#its a shame marvel fucked up everyone's idea of the norse gods

[randomnerd737]

mmmmmm Norse mythology

[movietweets]

Captain America

Film Ho! Away we go, off on another adventure into the world of Marvel madness where anything can happen and there don’t seem to be any rules to govern it. This time I have a bag of M&Ms and a Kitkat gobble down (or up) while Captain American saves the day from probably another baddy or wrongen like in the other films.

I have to say that this isn’t one that I’ve been looking forward to. The idea of a superhero named after their nation of origin seems pretty shameless and I can’t think of any other nations that would allow it. Captain England? Sounds racist. Captain France? They never win anything. Captain China? Communism doesn’t really allow for special treatment of individuals. Captain Germany? I mean... maybe between 1933-1945 but not exactly the most popular character these days. Captain America though works because Americans really do believe that they’re the best; they’re hopelessly patriotic and to the point of international embarrassment, seemingly lacking the self awareness to understand why everyone else doesn’t behave the same way in regards to their own countries as they do about theirs. So when Captain America was released it made perfect sense... of course they have a superhero called Captain America, of course they do. 

Nevertheless. This is the next one in the series so its the next one that I’m watching. I’ll keep as open a mind as I have for the others too, which is to say that I’ll be looking for every excuse to mock and discredit it.

Holy Mackerel! Is that a UFO? That’s obviously what we’re supposed to think from all that talk about weather balloons (alla Roswell)

I wonder if those guys volunteered to be the first ones down there, we didn’t see the discussion that went on before they were lowered down but I bet it wasn’t exactly anyone’s idea of a fun day out in the tundra.

I feel like they’re about to stumble upon a room filled with large slimy eggs and a bunch of corpses with massive holes in their chests.

Okay, flashback. Now we’re in norway during the second world war and some un-subtitled foreign language bits with Filtch from Harry Potter.

Oh no, its the Skulltopusses! They’re obviously not goodies are they, not with a logo like that.

Oh they’re Nazis...definitely baddies!

The priceless jewel of a norse god? 

be a shame if something happened to it... whoopsie! 

What? This kid! Face of a 40 year old, body like he’s 12. This must be CGI right? He’s like a fucking ventriloquist’s puppet!

There you go! You could be like Little Timmy!

It’s my fetish!

Oh shit, it’s the Stark Expo! List like in the Movies!

Is that Mr.Incredible? Didn’t realize they were Marvel

You’re going to hate the future of your country, they’re the worlds bullies now.

Oh yes, the ancients had use of this futuristic techno cube. That’s why they were so advanced! It has just been kept a secret from mainstream historians.

You mean its a metaphor for the Atom bomb?

A female drill Sargent in the 40s? Yep, just rewrite the past and pretend than nothing bad aver happened. Women have always been equal. See! She just knocked a man to the ground with her fists! You’ve had your token strong female now shut up and get back in the kitchen.

Better do some more talking about how great men are now, just in case that lost us any favor with our main demographic.

CHEATING - THE AMERICAN WAY

Even their female drill Sargent is dishing out sexist insults... I know it’s the 40s but we’ve already established that we’re not holding on to historically accurate social structures.

Alright then! You won me over. Let’s invest a ton of money and resources on the kid with a death wish.

Not another Incredible Hulk narrative! Didn’t you learn anything, that mess was a total flop.

Don’t worry kiddo, I’m an Alcoholic!

Oh, so that’s why she’s there... Seriously these films are horrendously transparent.

And nobody questions where all the uniformed military personnel who go into that antique shop every morning disappear to until 5pm?

He kind of looks like the lead singer of Franz Ferdinand crossed with a character from Golden Eye on N64 with big head mode turned on.

You’re not a scientist...

Quiet my dear, the men are working here. (classic Stark)

Oh! they cured him, now his head fits his body!

Shifty guy looking around the place, probably nothing to worry about.

He can run! Faster than a car!

 He can rump! Over a fence!

Doesn’t need shoes, the serum was 20% hobbit blood.

No way, he’s got a freaking thunderbird! Good thing Captain American can swim faster than a thunderbird. 

This guy has a near perfect Werner Herzog impression.

Double NAZIS!

HAHA, I hope that’s his actual outfit for the rest of the film. Propaganda man! They’re not subtle are they.

Haha, he’s like Link from Ocarina of Time when you only have the kids equipment; that tiny sword and deku shield.

I love how they’re pretending pageantry this is over the top. America is actually like this.. I’ve been! Also why did they spend all this time, money and science to beef up an amateur actor? There are loads of beefy actors right? Especially in the 40′s when people ate meat for breakfast!

Yup that’s all you are, a dancing monkey on a unicycle.

You should have been able to juggle American flags too.

Literally every film, somebody jumps out of a plane.

Why did he take that wooden shield with him? Isn’t it a bit of a give away that he’s an enemy? literally sticks out like a sore thumb. 10/10 for balls -1000 for common sense.

It’s WW2 but there’s laser guns because real war isn’t exciting enough for the kids of today.

BOOM! Yes, I was starting to get cold turkey since our last explosion.

Oof! Right in the face. That’s it guys, game over.

OH SHIT, That German dude, Agent smith with the Herzog impression just pulled of his whole entire face.

How does he smell?

Terrible.

All the thunderbirds! German engineering at its finest there.

EXPLOSION! 

Obviously they’re not dead though. Can you imagine if they were just dead. The rest of the film is about Sargent Sex Appeal and Colonel Wrinkles... I mean I’d watch that.

In a way I’m a bit disappointed.

Such a fucking do-gooder.

What? Why are there so many airships over London? Was that ever a thing? I’m pretty sure it was a thing in Germany but in London too?

Cor blimey Guvnor!

Knew she was a love interest. You don’t pop up halfway through the film in a red dress like that and not snog the main character.

Ooo! Look who it is Margery Tyrell! Looking all kinds of 1940s sexy. She’s too sexy though, sexy like a female antagonist! I DON’T TRUST HER! She’ll make a Joffrey of him given half the chance!

U mad? apparently not worried about recoil at least.

That uniform is so dumb. It literally defeats the object of a uniform since everyone else is wearing something different. It made sense when he was dancing on stage since he was supposed to stand out and all the dancing girls matched him. There’s a reason why army uniforms are green too. They used to be red and blue and the solders were really easy to see and shoot from a distance. Is Captain American a bullet proof? No he isn’t because he needs his vibranium shield to protect him, that’s why they made him have one of those.

They had Ironman in the 40s too! Is there literally any time in history where there wasn’t some kind of Ironman. Increasingly Tony Stark is looking like a plagiarist wannabe.

Old redface looks like he’s made of playdough doesn’t he.

DOUBLE NAZI

Kill self. That’s a hard no from me. How is he expected to deal with the inevitable effects of PTSD after this is over?

Bike race!

GOGO GADGET WASHING LINE

GOGO GADGET FLAME THROWER EXHAUST

GOGO GADGET CANONS!

This guy is incredible at frisbee. Where did he go to college? I wonder what their ultimate team is called?

Fucking hipsters!

I’m still not sure how they went from the future cube to those blue vaporizing guns... I’m starting to doubt the credibility of the science in this film. Irritating because so far in the MCU its all been pretty reliable fact based drama, 99.9% verifiable peer reviewed science.

NO! he’s going to blow up the sea!?

Why would a kamikaze bomb plane bother with an ejection seat though?

They never do...

Oooh ‘ek!

So they’re not even going to have a little PG kiss with Sargent Sex Appeal? He really is the pansiest superhero yet. Even hulk managed to get a kiss.

Ohhhhh! So that’s what we were looking at in the opening scene!

Didn’t that cube melt through metal earlier? How is that robot thing able to grab it now? 

I hope he’s shrunk again...

Awwh, that would’ve been funny.

WHAT!? He’s broken out of the matrix!

 Also she didn’t age a day?

Nicky the patch! Sort him out will you!

Well you blew it. You’re going to have to settle for her granddaughter.

The real agenda here. 

Okay let’s see the after credits thingy...

Oh its just an advert for the next film is it? That must have been exciting at the time but lets face it, we all knew it was coming.

THE END

That’s it for this one guys. I have to say I didn’t hate it. I think they’re getting better as they go but still some hilariously bad moments sprinkled throughout.