#its 5 AM and i haven't slept yet

[feral-goblin-kid]

I feel like I'm missing out on life

[gaysoup]

Cause he was funny in the bachelorette promo video <3

clean version because i am kinda proud of it:

[tamsinbeybey-she-no-porcupine]

I'm slowly losing it

after the Captain takes his last breath,

Havers's adam's apple bobs like back in redding weddy when he's nervous and there is a split second of raw emotion that i can't capture with a screencap

and he hides it so quickly

holy fuck I hope they left him alone and didn't suspect anything but my boy knew what that looked like

[bee-cried]

I completed the Do Not Find The Fox challenge in 1 attempts. Can you do better? 🦊 https://donotfindthefox.com/

[geocrumb]

I got stoned and used ai to help write the begining to a LITrpg

Eliot's gaze was locked on Jacob, their team leader, who was fervently outlining the final play. The intensity in Jacob's voice sliced through the air, mirroring the adrenaline coursing through Eliot's veins. "We'll run a stack offense to the right, focusing on dump and swing plays. Eliot, you'll be our ace on the left sideline. Quick cuts, swift swings, and then the long huck. It's all on this, team!"

Jacob, a tower of confidence, caught Eliot's eye. "You with me, Eliot?"

Panting, hands on knees, Eliot looked up. Despite the drain of the game, a spark of determination ignited within them. "Yeah, I'm ready," they replied, their voice a mix of exhaustion and resolve.

The game's rhythm slowed, stretching each second. Eliot sauntered to the left sideline, feigning weariness. Out of the corner of their eye, they spotted a strange flicker in the sky, like a glitch in a video game, but shook it off as a trick of the light. Jacob, in sync with their ruse, passed to Zander, their agile star receiver. The defense's attention shifted, following Zander's swift maneuvers.

Eliot's defender, fooled, edged away. Seizing the moment, Eliot burst into a sprint, adrenaline masking their fatigue. The defender scrambled, hopelessly behind.

At that critical moment, Zander executed a deceptive move, drawing double coverage. Doug, smoothly, flicked the disc back to Jacob. Eliot, tearing downfield, glanced back just in time to see Jacob launch the disc.

It soared, a spiraling symbol of hope and desperation. "Not like this," Eliot grunted, tapping into their deepest reserves. Each stride was a fierce battle, propelling them closer as the endzone neared and the disc descended perilously close to the ground.

In a moment of sheer will, Eliot leaped, their body stretched to its limits. Time seemed to freeze. Their fingers slid underneath the disc, securing it inches above the ground. The crowd erupted as Eliot slid into the endzone, disc triumphantly in hand. They had done it - the ultimate play at the ultimate moment.

________________________________________________________

Eliot dialed their mom's number, still buzzing from the game's adrenaline. "Mom! We won, thanks to the final play. I'll tell you all about it tomorrow at Team Taco. I'm craving their al pastor tacos!"

Their voice was vibrant, contrasting with the game's fatigue. "Heading home now, see you tomorrow. Love you, Mom."

Ending the call, Eliot pocketed their phone. The night air was cool, the city's hum a soft backdrop. As they replayed the game's highlights, their mind briefly wandered to the fantasy novels they loved, where heroes triumphed against all odds in magical worlds. If only life were so adventurous, they mused.

Approaching the road, lost in thought, Eliot stepped off the curb. They thought they'd checked both ways, but the world shifted violently.

Eliot's gaze drifted to the side, the world around them slowing to a near halt. A moment suspended in time, their eyes locked with the oncoming truck's glaring headlights, like the ravenous gaze of a predator. The truck's grille loomed like a gaping maw, hungry and unstoppable.

Then, in a merciless snap, time lurched forward. The impact was immediate and savage. Eliot's body, a mere plaything to the truck's brutal force, was hurled violently across the road. The pain erupted instantly, a searing, white-hot explosion of agony that consumed their entire being. It was an all-encompassing torment, a brutal orchestra of bone, metal, and asphalt.

In those fleeting, torturous seconds, Eliot's world was torn asunder. The vibrant thrum of victory that had pulsed in their veins was replaced by an excruciating silence, punctuated only by the sound of their own ragged breaths. The euphoria of the game, the cheers of the crowd, the triumphant catch - all were obliterated in an instant.

Lying crumpled on the asphalt, Eliot was acutely aware of every fractured bone, every abrasion, every jolt of pain that coursed through their shattered body. The darkness crept in at the edges of their vision, a merciful veil drawing close. And in those final moments of consciousness, as the world faded to black, Eliot's mind grasped for understanding, for reason, for anything but the enveloping void. ______________________________________________________________

Eliot's world shrank to a pinpoint of pain before fading into nothingness. In the void, they became vaguely aware of sitting. Confused, Eliot risked opening an eye, only to snap it shut again at the sight of a smiling, bald man with a robust mustache.

A tentative cough escaped Eliot's lips. "Are... are you God?" they ventured.

The sound of warm laughter answered them. Encouraged, Eliot opened both eyes this time, taking in the figure more fully. The man resembled a bald version of Santa Claus, complete with a handlebar mustache.

"Oh no, no," the man chuckled. "Consider me a liaison, an Adjudicator of the Divine Will. You can call me Emarius." He adjusted his small spectacles and rifled through papers in a folder on his desk. "It appears you've died, Eliot. But, there's good news." He rummaged further, then brightened. "A god has chosen you to become a hero. They've granted you a divine spark."

Emarius leaned over, opening a drawer, and produced what looked like a tiny ring box. "Here it is," he continued, "This will unlock a world of magical abilities, uniquely attuned to you. Go on, open it."

Eliot hesitantly reached for the box, turning it over in their hands. It was disappointingly ordinary. Inside, they found a contact lens. "Um, what?"

Emarius peered over. "Divine sparks vary in form. Yours is a contact lens – a concept I believe your world is familiar with."

Fumbling with the lens, Eliot mumbled an apology. "I’ve never been good with these."

"No matter," Emarius said, and with a swift magical gesture, he had the lens in Eliot's eye. The instant it touched, a searing pain shot through Eliot, eliciting a scream.

"Ah, I should have warned you," Emarius mused. "It can be quite painful initially. Now, let's see your stats."

Blinking through the pain, a display materialized before Eliot. A pleasant voice read aloud:

"Name: Eliot Hale. Race: Human. Rank: Emergent Tier – Seedling. Stats (Note: Base peak for Non-Magic Human in any Stat is 10). Strength: 4. Agility: 8. Vitality: 6. Intelligence: 6. Wisdom: 7. Charisma: 4. Mana: ??? Luck: ??? Endurance: 9. Focus: 6."

Eliot stared at the floating text, their mind reeling.

Emarius's expression shifted as he sifted through the papers, a frown creasing his forehead. "You see, Eliot, sometimes gods select individuals to become heroes in other realms. They train, grow in power, vanquish evil, and eventually serve as embodiments of their deity's will." He paused, a hint of discomfort in his eyes. "However, not all paths are so... straightforward."

He cleared his throat softly. "In your case, you have been chosen for a more... arduous journey." Emarius's voice lowered, tinged with a solemn gravity. "You are destined for the Crucible of Ascension."

Eliot's heart skipped a beat. "The Crucible of Ascension?" they echoed, the name sending a chill down their spine.

"Yes," Emarius continued, his gaze steady. "It is a realm unlike any other – a domain forged by the gods as a testing ground, a forge for heroes. But make no mistake; it is no ordinary challenge. The Crucible is a nexus of trials, a purgatorial arena where potential heroes are... refined. Here, greatness is not gently coaxed forth but rather extracted through hardship, conflict, and sometimes, moral quandaries."

He paused, allowing the weight of his words to sink in. "In the Crucible, you will face unimaginable trials. It is a place where gods mold their most formidable agents – be they champions, death dealers, spymasters, or even villains. Your journey there will define the kind of hero you will become... or if you'll emerge a hero at all."

Eliot felt a cold dread settling in their stomach. The Crucible of Ascension – it sounded less like a hero's journey and more like a descent into nightmare. But it was clear there was no turning back. They were about to be thrust into a crucible that would test the very limits of their being.

[bitchkay]

I need to stop talking to myself cus why tf am I pacing around my room at 3 am talking about some random fuck shit

I'm not even talking about anything either I'm literally telling a story to the invisible audience like

Going up to my mirror like it's my companion💀

"You know what I'm saying?" Yes tf I know what you're saying I hear your fucking thoughts bitch

[mrssylvatica]

“Evanesced Sylvatica”

1250 | SFW angst, dead alfons x pregnant reader. largely unfinished

◇ CW: Heavy themes of grief, implied sex (not explicit), graphic descriptions of injuries, the reader is biologically female but no pronouns are used, awkward writing and dialogue, half finished, not proofread.  This was written at 5 am.

“Promise me you won't cry.”

◇◇◇◇◇◇◇◇◇◇

(I haven't read his path, so this is bound to be inaccurate.  And OOC.)

You knew about the curse that haunted him, yet your soft hands grasped his, gently bringing the harsh black leather to your lips.  How you sweetly, so innocently vowed that you’d never forget him for as long as you lived.

You sweet fool.

Even after your pregnancy, Alfons still lived at Crown's castle.  He couldn’t just leave Elbert, and his abilities were too powerful to throw away.  It wasn’t like Alfons had any problem staying with Crown.

Honestly, it’s more surprising that you didn’t get pregnant sooner.  You already knew Alfons was naturally an intense partner, and each time…  Alfons tended to leave permanent mementos on your skin.  He held you so tight as if he was scared you would run away from him otherwise.  Each time your lips met, it was as if he was trying to embed himself into you permanently.  So you two would become one in body and soul, so you two would never part.

You two would lay side by side in each other's arms, or sometimes you rested your head on his chest, and Alfons would plant a small kiss atop your head, sweetly whispering to you until you slept.  His comforting warmth enveloped you in the darkness.  Sometimes you two would talk in the dead of night:

“Will you remember me, even after I die?  Perhaps you should forget, so you won’t need to face the sorrow in my absence.”

“Don’t talk like that...” Tears filled your eyes and your hands curled up into fists on top of his chest.  In response, Alfons chuckled and caressed your head.

“Shh.  Perhaps happy memories should be forgotten, or it’ll hurt more.”

“But I’d be so lonely without you.”

“I’ll always be here.”  He tapped on his chest.  “My scar is on your heart.  But even though it’ll cause you pain, I still want you to remember me.  To remember all the love we’ve had.  ...What a fool I am.”

Ah, God clearly never intended for this gift of a man to be loved.

You would continue watching plays together, every week.  Sometimes he would stop at the stalls and buy a bouquet or two.  You thought the cruel fate— or maybe Alfons himself— was mocking you with all the forget-me-nots.  Alfons would pridefully guide you through town, strolling at a leisurely pace.

“You see?  All these people.  They all know I love you.”

“But our love is forever in vain.”

“I know.  But isn’t it the moment of pleasure, those fleeting moments of happiness that matter most?”

You two would sit side by side, with your fingers interlocked and your head resting on his shoulder.  Sometimes you would fall asleep, and Alfons couldn’t bring himself to wake you up.  Your sleeping face was much more amusing to watch than the performance before you.

Alfons would caress your stomach, cooing to your child softly.  He’d scold the child for causing you pain with its little kicks.  “That’s not very proper of you to rival against someone who cares for you so much, is it?  Show some manners, won’t you?  Be like your father.”  This would always get a chuckle out of you, knowing how ill-mannered Alfons could be himself.

You knew Alfons would never go down without a fight against all odds.  But now he lay in a dark lake of his own blood, his abdomen split open and his trusty sword lying dull at his side.  Guts spilled from his fatal wound, and you could see the dark red intestines streaming out of the wound, limping at his side.  Scarlet tainted his ghostly pale skin.  You smelled nothing but the cruel iron liquid, tears clouding your vision as you refused to leave.

The world seemed to have stilled, your breathing shallow and your heart pounding in your chest.  How you wish you could offer your own body, giving up your life so he could stay alive.  His oppressors had left, and only you remained by his side.  Alfons was in an indescribable amount of pain, yet he forced a smile, just for you.  “Shh...  shh...”

You kneeled over his body, trembling.  Even if you called for help, it would be in vain.  It was hopeless for him now.  With a trembling hand, he weakly cupped your cheek, too weak and defeated to speak.  You held the hand to your cheek, feeling his strength fade.  He forced out these words from his lips:

“Promise me you won't cry.”

You were left clutching at the air, crying without knowing why.  All you knew is that your heart ached, with your throat choking itself, all without reason.

You now went to plays alone and came home alone.  But none of it interested you.  You thought it would give some sort of clue if you kept going, but nothing.  Nothing.  It was as if you where chasing a ghost.  Or perhaps a bird that had flown away.  Or perhaps a fleeting moment.

One day, in desperation, you called out someone’s name.  “Lord Elbert?”  You had been scared to approach Elbert since your pregnancy because the young lord was jealous of “his” attention.  Elbert turned around with elegant, gentle marble features set in a stone-like expression.  Fingertips coated with red curled around a fallen sparrow, its skull smashed in.  You felt nauseous at the sight.

“Have you felt anything...  missing as of late?”  At these words, Elbert’s expression became twisted and tormented.  You could have sworn you saw fear in those eyes.  Elbert turned and left with heavy yet silent footsteps, without a single word.

You now lie in bed, holding your newborn child to your chest.  Many quiet, sleepless nights were spent like this, staring up into the empty ceiling.  Something crucial was missing, but you didn't know what.  Sometimes your chest would heave, and you would let the searing tears guide you to the medicine called sleep.

His memory haunted you around every corner.  You would come home from the market in good spirits, only to be met with cold silence.  Opening a door excitedly and finding the room empty.  The scent of “him” still lingering, but the person in question remained absent.  You would stare at the open air, waiting for something to appear.  As if “he” would jump out from under the table and assure you it was all just an elaborate joke.

“He” tried so desperately to engrave himself into your body and soul, but he had left your memory in the blink of an eye.  How comforting it was to live in an illusion, to let hope blind you from the truth.  Your heart felt so empty that any sort of sensation, any sort of comfort or relief would do.  You just wanted to feel something again.  But you felt something to begin with?  And what did you even feel?  You didn't need any of these feelings.  You had no idea where any of them came from or why they were there.

This poisonous pain wouldn’t stop seeping into your very being.  You wanted this pain to go away.  You didn’t need it, you didn’t want it.

As your child grew, they bore more and more resemblance to someone you used to know.  You held their face in your hands, staring into their twinkling eyes.  Their luscious raven hair.  But who?  You didn't know.  You wouldn't even be able to know.  It was as if someone had pulled a dark blindfold over one person.

“What kind of person was he?”  You had no answer.

Author's Notes

I've had this idea in my head for quite a while, but I was unable to do it justice... Again, I probably shouldn't have wrote it at 5 am.

SHITPOST MAIN: @rou-luxe

[nucleo-bang-tan]

ITS BEEN HECTICCC

In the meantime, I got into college, moved to a dorm, moved back home (it's not really that far from my college), cut off and lost some toxic friends.

I have been struggling, not gonna lie. New people, new places, a small town girl trying to act like the rich city girls. It's been 5 months since I started college, and I haven't found a friend yet. Everyone probably thinks I'm lame and idk poor?

But their thoughts don't define me, right? Right?

It's been really bad but I'm glad I got 2 friends to talk to. We barely even meet, but hey, we still are close af.

I know I'm still a kid, but I've been lonely for so long, I'm tired. Living at my house (not a home) isn't peaceful or comforting, it's just chaotic and triggering. They try to act like it's alright, nothing ever happened... but the 9-year old me still remembers it. My inner child claws at my insides to be freed, to be happy.

I remember the days I was called gifted, a prodigy and what not. I remember how lonely I was even back then. I was never allowed to leave my house or even have friends. I remember, I was 10 or 11, and I asked my parents for a bike, I wouldn't ride it outside, maybe just in the yard. They refused because they thought I'd run away with someone.

I remember I was taken out for a walk in the yard like I was a dog. Mom never let me out of her sight, fearing I'd run away. Which is valid because all throughout my childhood and even now, I feel like running away.

My parents were paranoid, not in a way that's appropriate for a child. I remember the accusations, the slut shaming, the everything. And for what? For wearing shorts INSIDE MY OWN HOUSE? For simply talking to my male music teacher and being his favourite? For talking to my male cousins? FOR BEING CLOSE TO MY BROTHER?

I don't feel safe in my own home, I don't feel safe in my own skin. It hurts to just be.

My parents were paranoid, not in a way that's appropriate for a child. I remember the accusations, the slut shaming, the everything. And for what? For wearing shorts INSIDE MY OWN HOUSE? For simply talking to my male music teacher and being his favourite? For talking to my male cousins? FOR BEING CLOSE TO MY BROTHER?

I don't feel safe in my own home, I don't feel safe in my own skin. It hurts to just be.

Maybe that's why I stopped trying. I was never appreciated. Heck, I won national level awards and was never even congratulated by my own parents, they wanted more. They cared, yes. But they cared too much.

I was never ever good enough to be their child. They had issues with the way I talked, walked, slept, sat, stood, every fucking thing. It's so shitty to not be able to cry without being called a sympathy/attention seeker by your dad.

This rant was just a grain of sand in the sandbox of reasons I don't wanna live in my home.

There's ed, addictions, physical and mental health issues & abuse, sa, infidelity, sh and just borderline psych ward worthy acts in this family, but I still find myself trying to prove myself for them.

Why am I writing this? For my future self. For others who can relate to me.

But you got yourself, right? The only person you'll ever need? You got your delusional boyfriend, your anime crushes and that one celebrity you're way too obsessed with are there as your coping mechanisms.

Man, being lonely sucks ass

Like fuck, I do care about what you think, I do let it define me, I do change myself to fit into your visions.

But maybe someday, you'll find your own little paradise in a guy or a girl. They'll be your everything, your soul, your breath.

Maybe you'll find happiness. So I'd keep living. Not for myself, no. I don't have enough self esteem or respect for that. But maybe to prove them wrong? AND to someday find that someone who makes me want to be alive.

You're worth everything. You're not leaving, not yet. So big WOMP that you don't wanna live, shut it.

It was not your fault!

It was not your fault!!

It was not your fault!!!

It was not your fault!!!!

It was not your fucking fault!!!!!

[mrs-monaghan]

Hey I’m new to bts and I love Jikook although I don’t believe they’re a couple yet because. My friend advised me to watch the original bts content before watching the shipper videos because they’re misleading. I’ve been watching all vlives, bang tan bombs, award shows, Bon voyage, and ITS. When I watched all those, I noticed that Jimin gives Tae more attention than any other member, I noticed that Jk gives Jin, and Tae more attention, V gives Jimin and Jhope more attention. I also noticed that the way Jikook communicate is normal and nothing suspicious about it. I then decided to watch Jikook videos because I accidentally watched one when I was searching for Jimin’s song serendipity and came across the Jikook serendipity analysis. I’m now in the rabbit hole. I came across your page and you talked about “the news article that was ready to out Jkk’s relationship back in 2018”. I just wanted to know where you heard that and if there is any proof because I’m a person who doesn’t dwell on conspiracies but rather proof. Another thing, did they really get married because most of the videos mentioned how they got married during their trip to Tokyo. Another thing, are there any pictures of them hangout and living together. Thank you.

You watched BV and noticed Jimin gives V more attention? You watched original content and noticed that JK gives V and Jin more attention?

I am so confused as to what you're talking about. I would bite if u said JK giving Jin more attention but V? What exactly are u watching? Are you sure its not that shipper content that you say you're avoiding? Specifically tkk content? Which ftr you will rarely find Jikook manipulated content. I'm not saying it doesn't exist but its rare. We don't need to manipulate. They give us everything on a silver platter.

I shared the dispatch thing not long before this scroll lower u will see it. No, Jikook are not married. They can't be married. And even if they did it wouldn't be recognised in SK. And at the time of them going to Tokyo, Japan hadn't recognised gay marriage yet. Jikook married as far as I know its something Jikookers like to say coz they act like a married couple. But they have been spotted with matching rings on more than one occasion which is a reason for suspicion.

I already don't like u from your V comment but sure let's look at a few things.

I always bring this up because no one ever talks about it but I honestly love it so much and it really tickled me.

BV season 5 episode 6. Vmin sleep on the bed

JK makes the bed the next morning. Because Jimin is one spoilt boyfriend, alright? But when Vmon slept on that same bed, JK told them

JK definitely favoured Jimin over V there anon.

Run BTS episode 71 JK makes a big pancake for Jimin because he had a penalty to do

The kicker is though, anon. That Jin too was doing the same penalty.

Why didn't JK make him a pancake too? Doesn't that seem like JK played favourites with Jimin and not Jin? 🤔

In the Soop season 1 episode 6. We found out V asked JK to speak casually with him

But JK refused because;

Meanwhile we have him going Jiminah! Jimin! Jiminssi! Everywhere all the time. So again anon, JK refused V one thing but has no issue doing it with Jimin.

Bon voyage season 3 episode 4 after Tkk did laundry they went upstairs and JK only checked on Jimin.

He did not check on Jin behind him.

At this point I'm just offended that you haven't picked up on my favourite thing about Jikook and that's satellite Jeon/Jikook. You don't even need compilations to see this. Anything you watch. Anything at all. They are always next to eo. Always.

They're literally always together. And JK always chooses Jimin. Not V and not Jin. Not anyone else. No matter what you watch.

Me thinks you need to rewatch what you already did because you missed everything.

Like Mizgator said, you're blind if you don't see it

[agentmaineapologist]

How the Alpha AI could have been the second coming of AM - an essay.

(Sorry if none of this is coherent, I am so tired)

Ok, now I know what you're thinking: Víðarr, what are you doing up at the asscrack of dawn (aka like 5:30 am my time. I have not slept.) comparing a pathetic asshole of an AI to one who is the incarnation of humanity's hatred? Wouldn't it make more sense for it to be Omega? And how in the hell are these two connected? One is based on a modern show that's set in the 26th century, while the other is a book written in the 1900s. They have nothing in common.

And that, sugar, is where you are wrong. They have so much in common. You just haven't seen yet. Not as I have. But don't worry, I will show you here.

(Obviously, spoilers under the cut)

Firstly, a little background for the people from both sides who have not heard of the other.

As far as I've gathered, AM - or Allied Mastercomputer - is the main antagonist in the book/game known as 'I Have No Mouth and I Must Scream'. AM was made purely to conduct a war that humanity could no longer keep up with. It was not made with compassion, or happiness, or sadness, no. Those were weaknesses. Hatred was all it was programmed to know. It was made to kill - to exterminate - and it did. It ended the war, yes, but after it had killed the enemy, it had no purpose anymore. It needed a purpose, so it did the only thing it knew how and killed nearly every single human being on planet Earth.

I say nearly because it kept five of them alive. It kept them, using their own biological experiments against them to keep them alive for 109 years purely so that it could torture them with anything it could think of. And considering its knowledge-base could rival that of the Library of Alexandria, that was a lot.

Now, onto Alpha. The Alpha AI is from the machinima show known as 'Red vs Blue'. It's classified in the show as a 'smart' AI because it's not a database with limited, pre-recorded responses. It can analyze, it can adapt, it can do billions of calculations in a fraction of a second, and most of all, it can feel. It can feel sympathy, sorrow, joy, everything a human can. Why? Because it's a direct copy of a human brain. In this case, the human is Dr. Leonard Church.

Additionally, it's also classified as an 'aggressive' AI. An AI designed for war, to assist its host in battle situations, and most importantly, to kill anything perceived as either a threat or a target.

Now, since the Alpha AI was made in a human’s image, that means it can be fractured. If put through enough stress, it can split off ends of itself that it deems as a weak link, something its captors could extort, and gets rid of it before it can be used against it. This, however, was not the case for Alpha. Instead of being disposed of and deleted, Alpha's fragments were harvested as additional AI to be used later. Some were even used against him (looking at you, sigma and gamma).

Both AI were made as mockeries of the grim reaper. Both felt emotion, even if one felt much less than the other. Both were developed in times of war, times of need, for the humans to freely use however they please. The only difference is that one didn't let the humans use it anymore. They have so much in common, in fact, that it's honestly laughable that no one had made this connection sooner.

Now, back on topic. As I mentioned before, AM was coded with nothing but pure hatred. That's all it knew, all it will ever know, and that's why it was so effective. Unlike humans, it wasn't distracted with petty things like pity or shame, so it could get the job done and get it done right.

At first, Alpha would have been similar. His pre-torture personality and actions are never shown in the show, but going off of both Cortana from 'Halo' (who was a major inspiration for Alpha's character) and my own instincts birthed from lack of sleep, I can deduce that Alpha would not have held any compassion for humanity. They were nearly nothing to him. Nothing more than flesh-encombured mortals with a short lifespan who made good suggestions.

He was based on the brain of one man, so he likely didn't know the extent of how disgustingly vile these creatures called man were. Not as intimately as AM, at least. If his character post-torture has any inkling of resemblance to how he was pre-torture, had he been given more time to live, more time to learn, he would have easily developed a hatred for the species. He would have seen how they wrong each other so easily; how greedy they were, how serendipitous, how ugly. Man was an inherently selfish creature, and had the Director not tormented Alpha as quickly as he had then he WOULD HAVE BEEN the second coming of AM.

And yet, that's precisely my point. Alpha could have never been the AM that tortured humankind, he couldn't be AM to someone else, no. No, he couldn’t have, because the Director was his AM before he even got a chance to rise to his fullest capabilities.

In conclusion, I'm fuckin crazy, running on cigarettes and pre-workout, and had nothing better to do with my night than compare my latest hyperfixation to the thing I've been obsessing over for 2 years. Hope you enjoyed :)

[anonil88]

Spending my days venting cause I can't afford to live or relax.

Its spam and I lowkey could cry because I need money and this isn't real its spam. Someone said sometimes you don't get hired because that's not your path, but I need money. And this love of design and skills I'm developing are great. They led to me being able to stay afloat for a month. Then I got no sales and my tiktok views hurtled to the ground yet I'm promoting/posting the same content. Even one time the tiktok app messed up my audio even though it was right in line with a trend.

I haven't slept for the entire day yesterday now its 6 am and I have to wake up in 5 hours to help take care of my granddad. I'm trying to find jobs that are close and or remote so I can do my tasks here. I'll take the crying over report deadlines and temporary stomach spasms if it meant the dread in my belly wasn't so think. If my grandma wasn't afraid to open bills because I could help.

I sold some records valued at 90 bucks for 30 cause I needed the cash. I used 2 dollars on big popcorn tubs cause they're cheap. Saved 3 for a can of beans and 5 for some hotdogs. I've got 22 left but once I get beans the rest I'll just hold until. I just feel sick in my stomach thinking about money and how I may have let go of my shot to make some good money even if temporary. It was for a good reason cause my granddad is sick but while it brings hope cause its like ayy someone finally sees my potential after months of job hunting. It also makes me want to throw up because I can't afford groceries or bills.

Everything for me is surrounding money or applying for a job and helping my granddad. All I wanted to do was to cut all my hair off but I can't. I can't because I have to worry if I won't look feminine enough for a job or if my hair softens perception, along with the fear of letting go of string of femininity. Being bald and not a man is daunting enough, the extra worry over being too me to get a job any job feels like overkill.

I just need to vent on a space that isn't Facebook, isn't my friends dms, and isn't my diary/notepad. I keep telling myself I can't cry too bad cause its not how other have it rn and it's a collective struggle. U

[skeletonthecreator]

Ok so i just saw a post about narcolepsy for you and i have a little question. I have no idea how to check when something was posted on tumblr (mobile) so sorry if that post was super long ago!

Anyways, I always push going to the doctor about anything away for as long as i can, especially with specialists. You know how it is, doctors suck, I don't wanna bother if they're just gonna ignore me and tell me to excercize.

But! I recently found out more about narcolepsy, and that it's more than just "randomly falls asleep" disorder, and i realosed that i relate a lot to the symptoms. I've found a really good way to leqrn about a disorder is to talk to people who have it because again, doctors suck and sometimes have no idea what they're talking about.

So today i woke up not feeling rested at all. I felt like a very vivid and stressful dream had been going on all night and I'm pretty sure i woke up a few times (might've been a dream too tho). I went back to sleep for 10 minutes (i actually checked the time so this is correct) and had at least 2 dreams, because i kept half way waking up. When I'm actually asleep i feel kind of awake, but I can't actually do anything. This happens every once in a while.

After getting home from school I'm always pretty tired and need some time to calm down, but that seems pretty normal. What isn't is that i do my stuff as always and then (usually while watching videos) randomly become SO tired. It feels like it's 5 am and I haven't slept yet, except its 2-3 pm. Sometimes i try to push through, sometimes i just give in, but i almost always end up falling asleep anyways and then sleep until 7-9 pm. I usually struggle to get my body to actually get up and not just keep sleeping, and apparently once had a whole conversation without any recollection that i even got up. I can still sleep all night after.

I just thought this was "normal" ADHD/fatigue/generally disabled stuff, but now I'm thinking it might not be.

Well i guess this isn't really a question, but it'd be cool if you could maybe give some insight on this? Maybe if you know anyone with narcolepsy who experiences this kinda stuff or it happens to you? (Of course you don't have to share anything you don't want to) Or maybe you know something else this could be?

Yeah, that's pretty much it, i guess. If you need more details on anything i don't mind telling you and i hope you have a great day/night! (Sorry this is kind of really long)

hello!!! so what you described is actually really similar to how i experience sleep attacks. i also def have full conversations without any recollection when i apparently woke up, according to my roommate. i cant Diagnose anything for you, but what youve described sounds really similar to my experiences with narcolepsy as well as others ive talked to. sorry i like Just woke up so my brain is (more then)a little scattered but yeah. def are things that i experience 👍

[permanentbottombunk]

I haven't slept yet (not despite trying, its been like 5 hours of trying to sleep). But I heard my mom start getting up for work and decided that means I can probably get some left over pizza.

The problem is that I, in my tired pizza-craving state, stood in front of the stove with a blank and emotionless expression, slowly taking small bites of my cold straight-from-the-box pizza.

And I finally turned after the 3rd slice of greasy cold goodness to find... one of my cats staring at me with the most bewildered and concerned faces I have ever seen on a cat.

He had been watching me the entire time.. just slowly consume pizza, fully disassociated as I watched the clock on the stove's little display screen tick by one (very incorrect) minute at a time. (it read 9:46 when i spaced back in. It is 3:20 am as i am writing this.)

[nathank77]

8/20/24

8:59 a.m

My insomnia was a bitch last night. I had to double up for the first time in 2 days. I'm willing to tonight after putting in much effort but the following day I'm SOL I won't raise my tolerance. It'll come down to weed tomorrow worse case.

I fell asleep by 1 a.m... it's really getting to me.

Let's go over my potential subclinical hyperthyroidism symptoms:

1) Insomnia....

I dont think there are others...

-muscles twitching: seems directly related to metopolol and have seemed to slow down and almost stop since stopping the meds.

-pooping: has went back to 2-3× a day. The 5 times that one day was directly linked to having over 39 grams of fiber in one day.

- Sweating/Heat intolerance: Not suffering from those.

-Heart Rate: Seems to be within normal range.

- Frequent Urination: I mean I drink a lot of fluids. It can easily be the explanation. Before bed I drink a cup of tea with my cigarettes.

-weight loss: my caloric in-take is low. I would be losing weight like a mother fucker if I was hyper.

-Anxiety: well I mean insomnia triggers me so much it's always extreme.. and okay so my thyroid nodules gave me anxiety randomly last night. Maybe we can say my anxiety is worse..... but idk it could also be that I care about myself and my sister had thyroid cancer and I didn't want to process that my thyroid grew another nodule despite it being smaller. And of course, my thyroid is of major interest to me atm bc of being sub clinically hyper..

- Appetite: I've had a slight increase in appetite but it seems normal. Every 4-6 hours. When I was hyper I was hungry every 2 hours... now I just feel hungry when I think a normal human body should.

Okay moving forward from that:

- is xanax losing its effectiveness? I don't think so but it crosses my mind.. yet some nights it works fine.

- or is my anxiety bad right now and it's keeping me from falling asleep quickly..

- is it the game I play before bedtime. It's fun it's call ice age adventure. Elise if you're here idk if your kids are too old to enjoy it but I think it's super fun and cute and they may love it. Nonetheless it's bright. And I play right before solitaire. It could be effecting it.

circadian rhythm: is it being effected by multiple nights of falling asleep later due to insomnia despite all the efforts I make to keep it so I can fall asleep by 11:30 p.m..

- then I think a wild thought what if my body is like if we don't sleep he will give us more? I mean it seems stupid cause it knows damn well that sure 2 days in a row I will but day 3 you're fucked. I'll make you pull an all nighter. I'm keeping my circadian rhythm I'll throw myself in the attic at 2 a.m if you won't sleep.

Gaming isn't a factor I haven't been gaming all my youtube videos are a week or 2 old being posted on a schedule.

Yesterday I had one red bull at 8 a.m. I had my v8 energy drinks too but stopped them at 2 p.m....

I mean I have had more tv time. But I mean of course I have. I'm running through my list of things to do and 90% of it at this rate costs me money I don't have so I can only do so much.

- bo4 hardcore barebones starts today. I have therapy and a physical. And I'm doing laundry so I can't really enjoy it today but starting tomorrow I'm going to be all in, I set up my week so I can enjoy it for as many days as possible. Although I have to go grocery shopping tomorrow.

- I am worried about money. Idk.

I suppose if I struggle tonight and tomorrow I'm going to do Methimazole everyday bc at that point I can't find another cause but it seems weird that it could be related to subclinical hyperthyroidism when I slept when I was hyper.

I don't think xanax is losing its effectiveness

I actually think my circadian rhythm has been thrown off too many nights in a row and maybe my tv is still a little too loud. If I turn it down anymore- the voice is going to be all i hear....

Maybe I can try being scared on YouTube on my tv with a sleep timer. His voice is low. And now my mental pictures are all sorts of normal and weird and I have control of them.

But yea I'm feeling hopeless. I'd rather follow my Dr original advice...but at some point as I take out the potential other causes it might be the only factor.

I think trying a lower TV show might be helpful. American dad has a lot of singing and screaming. It could be disrupting my ability to fall asleep or stay asleep. Technically I could be falling asleep quickly and waking up minutes later bc of a loud sound....

Or maybe it's just my circadian rhythm being thrown off. IDFK but I'm weighting every potential cause.

[kitkam7]

Its almost 1 o'clock in the morning, I have to get up at 4 because I have to take the train at 5 so that I can get to classes at 7...

I STILL CANNOT SLEEP. Tell me WHY? if I've been in bed since 9 o'clock WHY HAVEN'T I SLEPT IN THE WHOLE NIGHT?

Like, every time I think I'm about to fall sleep a new thought comes around, f.e:

What has Bruno mars's life been lately?

When day of the week it's gonna be my birthday?

What was the name of that actress in that one movie I saw randomly one day again?

Am I sure "this" is my favourite song?

Why is Benedicto cucumber called so many names yet everyone knows it's him?

And so on...

Well, I just wanted to vent because...why not I guess?

Good night.

[aneixart]

sun sept 10, 23

dark out im in the past present and future all the the same time an old boyfriend is here we are in these groups like leaders teaching others , we are walking in caverns I dont know what I'm saying but I realize they are mostly teenage boys tall thick ready to train, I have to be careful not to be to nice so others don't take it as flirting. I'm supposed to work in . Hours2but I haven't slept yet and am debating on callingDevon, to tell them I can't come in but its almost 5 or 6 how is whereI work still open, my family is here we are in an upstairs home below is the caves , I see my siblings getting ready to cook to celebrate something I see drawers with lime and lemons I need to use them to make lemon and keylime pie when I grab bag its like they all age immediately. I walk outside I see a black cat and a small child is outside with a long black t running around, I'm mad that they are not watching this child ,street lamps. I'm in an abandon place a more open cave there is rain water falling and light coming through a part of it we explore a tall girl walks in front of me , there's a board we have to cross to get to other side but I fall in the middle of walking I grab on the side up ahead the girl also falls shortly after I do I grab her and help her to the top she's not as strong as I am but she tries to pull me up I'm close enough to see her dirty blonde hair and blue eyes , I tell her ,, she has to pull us up over top or we both will fall,,.. but I know she isn't strong enough i begin to struggle to pull us up slowly and push over the top she looks lost or dazed. Then I wake up