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mikaryu · 13 days ago

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Dark Chocolate - p. 5

summary/an

Filler chapter, just to get some plot down. A bit angsty!! ~3400 words

"soso sorry for taking forever to publish this subpar chapter. my life has been so insanely busy, I haven't slept in 3 days, and its 1 am when im publishing this lol."

smut ahead!!

“So how are your friends doing?” Kurumi asks Kusuo over dinner. “Especially Teruhashi! I haven’t seen her in a while.” Oh you sweet, summer’s child.

Kusuo shrugs, continuing to eat the pork chops his mother so lovingly made. In the past, he was never interested in any romantic relationships. Again and again, Teruhashi made advances on him with the help of her friends. Despite her looks and kindness, he was just disinterested. Having to keep up with something like that and commit seemed too draining. With you, he does not feel like he has to keep up with something. Although it is not a requirement to be overly interactive, he has the sudden compulsion to do so. He wants to appease you and do what he can for you, which is unusual. It was out of character for him to be so quick to lay with you, and he recognizes that.

”Oh I would like to know about Teruhashi. You two seem so close.” Kusuke smiles, almost condescendingly. Like he knows something else, even though there is nothing else to know.

He has thought it over again and again and so on, yet still has not figured out why he feels this way over you. Even something like a relationship does not sound as bad when thinking about you.

”Or maybe someone else is on your mind?” Kusuke continues.

Kusuo shoots him a dirty look, dismissing the question.

”Speaking of, did you ever come home last night, Kusuo? I was worried when I didn’t hear you come back. And you weren’t in your room.” His mother inquires, eyes brimming with concern. “I assumed you stayed at a friend’s house. Was it Nendou’s?”

If it was, kill me. He shakes his head no. Before more questions arise, Kusuo stands up to take his dish to the sink. ‘Thank you for dinner.’ He says quickly before returning to his room.

You lay on your bed, staring at the ceiling. With your stomach full and nothing to do, you have time to sit and think. To contemplate how to move forward. Was it a one time thing? No, definitely not considering all the lead up. But it was so sudden. Maybe he regrets it. You know for sure that you do not, though. If anyone, you were glad to lose your virginity to him. To each other. Seeing a usually so composed person act like he did, the thought sends tingles up and down your body.

So much has happened in so little time. Discovering he is a psychic? You still have not gotten to mulling over that. He jokingly asked you if you wanted a list, which at the time you denied. Now it doesn't seem like a bad idea. What are all the things he is capable of?

Your phone buzzes. You see Saiki's name. 'Hi.' You pick it up to reply.

'hey.'

'Are you okay?'

'yeah, fine. u?'

'Good.'

…

'I want to talk to you.'

'anything in particular?'

'No.'

You don't reply.

'Yes.' he sends a moment later.

'okay, what is it?'

'I don't want to make you uncomfortable.'

'you won't, its okay. do you want to call?'

The suggestion makes him hesitate, but it is probably for the best to discuss his thoughts over call rather than through texting. 'Okay.'

Your call card pops up, phone buzzing in his hand. He picks up.

"Hello?" You speak. It had been only hours since he left your house discreetly, and yet the sound of your voice relieves something in him. A feeling inexperient to him bubbles up.

"Hi." He replies awkwardly.

"What did you want to talk about?" Considering the relative distance, he cannot hear your thoughts. Yet he does not find himself nervous. Is it you that soothes his anxiety? Maybe. More often than not, your presence quells whatever worries fester within.

He sighs. "I just wanted to see if you're alright."

"Oh- well yeah, I am. Still at home." You pause. "Are you alright? You seem a bit on edge."

"I–" Is he? "I wanted to ask about what you said."

"Kusuo I talk a lot. That could be many things." You tease, giggling. "Specify, please?"

"You said you like me." He states.

"Uhm, yes, I did say that."

"Was it true?" His monotonous voice rings.

"Aren't you a mind reader? You shouldn't have to ask-"

"Was it true?" He asks again, sternly this time.

You sigh, leaning your head into your phone more. "Yes. I do like you, a lot." You let out. "Was that it? I thought that was pretty obvious."

"How does it feel?" He suddenly asks.

"The- what? How does what feel?" You are not used to so many questions from him. He is usually quick to understand, this must have been bothering him for a while.

"Liking someone. Romantically."

"Kusuo, you kind of sound like an elementarian right now." You snicker. The silence expresses his seriousness for him. "Okay. Alright. Well, I don't really feel romantic towards anyone usually. You were definitely a rare case." You never imagined yourself as someone to fall in love. "But other people describe it as a strong urge to serve almost. To care for, protect, spend time with. That is what most people say it feels like. Like– I really like spending time with you. But it always depends on someone's love language. Personally, I like physical touch. I enjoy being near you, or– well you know."

"I understand." He leans back into his mattress. So he really does like you. "Thank you. See you." He quickly hangs up.

His quick exit doesn't surprise you, but you are still curious why he is asking such questions. You suppose he never really had a romance with anyone in the past, so it would make sense. Someone like him, so scared of being discovered, maybe that is why he never felt anything or tried to. Pride swells in your chest that maybe you are the first person he has grown fond of.

If anyone, it makes sense that he would fall for you. He acknowledges it now, that you are exactly what he would like. Quiet, but not too much. Understanding, not high maintenance, and willing to accept things with ease. You don't bother him, and maybe that was enough to spark this.

"Did you hear about our senior trip?" Aiura is leaning towards you, struggling to type something on her flip phone. Her long nails click excessively against the keys, the attached key chain jingling obnoxiously. “I think we should be picking groups today. We’re going to Okinawa." Aiura seems overly excited.

After the last time you went to Okinawa with the class, where nothing bad really happened, going again does not seem so bad. "Oh, right, you weren't here that year right?" You think back. "When we went two years ago. It almost got cancelled because of a typhoon, but after that it was a pretty easy trip. No bad happenings." You knock on your desk quickly to deter any jinx.

"Well I'm excited. Oh! We should go shopping, I need a few new bathing suits. I haven't been able to get a proper tan since break." She continues to prattle on about tanning oils and other brands of lotions, what design she will do for her nails, the normal.

Meanwhile, you survey the class for a moment to find your eyes crossing paths with Saiki's. He is surrounded by his group of friends, ignoring their chatter. His gaze only lasts a moment before breaking away to idle on the floor. Something about his eyes feels different. Distant.

You get the same absent glare later in the day. Ignoring your presence in the hallway, avoiding you at your lockers, and straight up dodging you at the entrance. You are accustomed to him not being the most outgoing of people, but he usually would at least acknowledge you if you him. Especially after fucking him, you would hope to get some sort of recognition. Nothing. Not a text reply to your message, not a call to say he was sorry, just straight ignorance.

"Fuck!" You scream, throwing your phone against your closet door. The opened door swings from the force, phone thudding to the floor. Your fists curl into your forehead, gripping the strands of baby hair sticking to it. You yank and tug at your hair, resisting using enough force to rip them straight from your skull. It's exactly like before. With your ex, and several failed talking stages. You get close enough to them, let them touch you, then you're suddenly ghosted. You sob painfully, choking on your saliva while your hoarse throat struggles to swallow. Every man has only ever used you and somehow you never seem to learn. You are not dumb, you are aware that your body is a desirable one. But to be duped this many times, just because a guy wants to get his dick rubbed? It disgusts you. You just never thought Saiki would do something like this to you. What's worse is you let him. This is why you lost the ability to experience a romance. And when you finally thought you might get the chance to be with someone trustworthy, someone good, you were lied to again. And as soon as you confessed those feelings, he pushed himself away. Your emotional vulnerability to him is disgusting, nothing but a turn-off to him. What else should he have done? You do not blame him for suddenly ghosting you, if you had been such an emotionally attached and clingy freak. If only you had been better, been able to pretend like there was nothing behind it.

Your fists smack against your temples, the crown of your head, knuckles beating down into you trying to repay. To teach yourself a lesson, one that would hopefully stick. Do not act on feelings, and do not express them. Through tears, your room spins in your vision. The berating against your cranium only worsens the dizzying effect from your lack of oxygen. Each breath lacking more than the last, lungs squeezing in on themselves in an attempt to withdraw something which does not exist in the cramped space you contort yourself into.

Another scream tears through your vocal cords, exerting some of the anger you hold against yourself. It reverberates against the walls of your room, guttural and sickening.

Yet the next morning you wake up like normal. Groggily rising from your covers, finding a clean uniform to wear. Ignoring the mirror, instead staring at your wall to brush your hair quickly before departing for school. Just like any other day. At your desk, your arms serve as a pillow to your tired head. Your emotional burden weighing it down, too heavy to lift until lunch. But when the class is completely empty, and your eyes must adjust to the sunlight, you find you are not alone. Were you ever, to begin with?

"What happened?" Just as always, his questions sound like demands.

And even though you wish you could push him away, turn around and walk out without a word, you succumb to the surprising warmth of his palms when they encase your cheeks. His fingers ghost over the light bruises on your temple. Bruises you had not noticed due to your embarrassment, too shy to see yourself in the mirror.

You turn your head away, backing up so his hands release you. "Must've bumped something." You look to the floor, avoiding his piercing gaze. Petty acts were not your favorite, but you want him to feel an ounce of what you feel.

"You can't lie to me." His flat expression remains. "Why?"

"Because you're psych-"

"No, why did you?" This time, his voice heightens in pitch ever so slightly.

You look up. His brows are furrowed, eyes staring into you with a newfound emotion. "If you can read my mind, you should know. Or are you not as smart as you think?"

"No. You're wrong." The tip of his shoe touches yours.

You retort quickly. "Am I?"

"You are. You don't understand what I'm asking." His fingers twitch.

Your tone harshens, volume rising. "Really? Because you aren't being very specific."

"Because I wouldn't do that. Think that."

You bite back your quip. Slowly, it processes. "Were you scared?" Just a whisper.

He hesitates before nodding ever so slightly. "Don't compare me to someone like that." He sighs.

"I thought we'd said we would communicate." You whine, leaning back into the classroom wall. "You don't have to do something you don't want to."

"I do want to." He matches your step, a foot slotted between yours. "For the first time, I do. I did."

You nod slowly. Then, a small smile grows. "You know, Mr. Psy-ki," your arms snake around his collarbones, "I think you're a bit more complicated than you let on to."

His eyes close, inhaling deeply. Traces of chalk, cherry, and the smell of you.

"And maybe not you, but…" your sultry voice lingers in his ear, "I only get to live once."

Fluttering open, he meets your stare. Your grin, which in this case, he cannot help but mirror. A magnetic force brings you together, lips colliding in long-awaited bliss. Your hands around his neck tug softly at the base of his hair. His arms wrap solidly around your waist, encapsulating you in his warmth.

You quickly pull away, pointing your finger at him. He looks confused, but dismisses it when you are stern with him. "Don't you ever ignore me without communicating. Okay?" You wiggle the finger in his face, waiting for a response.

Instead he pushes your hand to the side, sealing his mouth to yours again to prevent you from interrupting any further. His tongue creeps into your mouth, tasting you again like he was going through withdrawals without it. Your arm is shoved into the wall, held above your head to keep you in place while his nails trace up along your thigh. His foot pivots, separating yours and quickly gripping the inside of your leg so that you cannot close them again.

"Kusuo-" You gasp when he finally relieves your mouth to instead assault your neck, leaving small bites and kisses up and down the center along your throat before trailing behind your ear. "Here?" You bite your lip, quivering at the insanity.

"Mhm." He murmurs, too lost in the taste of your skin. "Don't want to miss this. Now that I have it all figured out." What?

You brace your hands against his shoulders, watching the slight disappointment spread across his face when you do so. His expression morphs when you flip positions, push him against the wall and swiftly drop to your knees. A shadow passes over his face when you start at his belt, staring up at him to gauge any reaction. "Yes?" You ask him.

"You don't-" you palm at the front of his pants, "fuck. You don't have to, give me anything." His head tilts to the side, eyes filled with appreciation.

You shake your head and smirk at him. "That’s okay. I want to.” You wait for him to explicitly show that he is okay with this. After a prompt nod from him, you unclasp his pants, pulling them down with his boxers just enough to pull his dick free. His chest rumbles with a groan when your hand wraps around him, slowly tugging back and forth. You make sure to keep your eyes trained on his when you begin to slide your tongue up his length, enunciating the way your lips carefully enclose around him. He sucks in a deep breath, relishing in the feeling. Your mouth is warm, sliding effortlessly up and down with each bob of your head. Down half way, back up. Down three quarters, back up. You close your eyes, choking the rest of him down so your nose presses into his pelvis. You swallow, letting the tears well up in your eyes before finally restarting your movements so your airflow can continue.

”Crap-“ You watch his head thumb back against the drywall, reminding you of your setting. His eyes roll back slowly, eyelids fluttering closed. He sucks his bottom lip into his mouth, hissing while doing so. Your pace accelerates, reaffirming the pressure your lips use. He reaches forward, hand wrapping securely behind your head. His fingers clench in your hair, pulling at your scalp. Another groan festers in his throat before coming out higher pitched and needy. “Ah- fuck, stopstopstop-“ Despite his request, you continue on, sliding and swirling your tongue around to only proceed his orgasm. His free hand smacks against the wall. It cracks in the wake of his force. He looks back down at you, mouth open and panting while his glazed violet eyes pierce you with lust. He pushes your head down, tip thrusting into the back of your throat. You cough, choking on the substance, swallowing it all down. You gag, drool leaking down your chin. His grip instantly loosens, letting you free yourself.

You both gasp for air, panting in silence. A chipper voice down the hall has both of you whipping your head towards the entrance. "Shit-" you quickly stand in front of Saiki while he quickly readjusts his pants.

"Teruhashi! I've been looking for you." The voice is that of Hairo's. He stops just outside the classroom door. "I wanted to talk about your group since there have been… numerous disputes over it again."

"Oh, Hairo! Sorry, I was just about to grab something from our classroom. Do you mind?" Teruhashi's sweet voice persuades him easily.

"Of course! Now- are you alright with picking groups from a hat? I was thinking of letting you choose your own group though, as it is you who is being fought over." Hairo follows her as she walks into the class, finding you leaning up against a desk and Saiki casually standing with his arms crossed.

"Oh–Saiki!" she exclaims. Her face goes red. "I was just about to ask you a question, perfect timing." She looks between you, suspicion (and a hint of jealousy) present within the few black feathers floating with her. "I was wondering if you wanted our groups to pair up? Mera, Chiyo and I, with you, Nendou, and Kaidou! Just like last time. I thought since everything worked out so well back then we could just do the same groups."

Kusuo glances at you, before turning to Teruhashi again. ' Ask Kaidou and Nendou. I don't care.'

She seems repulsed by his response, yet hides behind a dreary smile. "Oh, uhm-" he turns away again, trying not to give her any reason to continue. "Okay." Her voice is worryingly disappointed.

Hairo doesn't notice when he begins to ask you about your group. "Right! I'm assuming you'll be with Aiura, but have you chosen a third?"

"Well, we're going with the other year two classes, right? Aiura and I asked Suzumiya Hii to join our group." You respond. Suzumiya, a girl from class 2, had been vaguely acquainted with you. Since you needed a third, and she had no group, she was quick to agree upon you asking her to join Aiura and you.

"Yes, that's great! Let me know when you have decided which boys' group you will pair up with, and I'll make sure to write it down." Hairo gives a quick thumbs-up before following Teruhashi out the door.

'I want to be in a group with you.' Saiki says suddenly.

"Wow, you're more forward than usual today." You tease, smiling at him while stepping closer.

He sighs, rolling his eyes ever so slightly. "I'm most comfortable with you. It makes sense. And I already know you want to be in a group with me too."

You blush a little, laughing. "Of course I do. It'll be fun." The room falls silent. Saiki never looks away from you, just staring shamelessly. "You should probably go ask Nendou and Kaidou before Teruhashi gets to them." You stand in front of him now, readjusting the collar of his uniform for him. You speak softly, no longer needing your voice to carry as far. "I'll see you soon, Ku. Okay? Don't overwork yourself." You smooth out the rest of his jacket, looking up at him. His violet eyes are gentle, a look you realized that only you ever received. You kiss his cheek, smiling before saying your goodbyes.

masterlist

p. 4 << previous part

next part >> p. 6

#ao3 #fanfiction #saiki x reader #the disastrous life of saiki k.#saiki k #saiki kusuo #saiki x reader smut #saiki smut #saiki k smut

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mrssylvatica · 1 year ago

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“Evanesced Sylvatica”

1250 | SFW angst, dead alfons x pregnant reader. largely unfinished

◇ CW: Heavy themes of grief, implied sex (not explicit), graphic descriptions of injuries, the reader is biologically female but no pronouns are used, awkward writing and dialogue, half finished, not proofread. This was written at 5 am.

“Promise me you won't cry.”

◇◇◇◇◇◇◇◇◇◇

(I haven't read his path, so this is bound to be inaccurate. And OOC.)

You knew about the curse that haunted him, yet your soft hands grasped his, gently bringing the harsh black leather to your lips. How you sweetly, so innocently vowed that you’d never forget him for as long as you lived.

You sweet fool.

Even after your pregnancy, Alfons still lived at Crown's castle. He couldn’t just leave Elbert, and his abilities were too powerful to throw away. It wasn’t like Alfons had any problem staying with Crown.

Honestly, it’s more surprising that you didn’t get pregnant sooner. You already knew Alfons was naturally an intense partner, and each time… Alfons tended to leave permanent mementos on your skin. He held you so tight as if he was scared you would run away from him otherwise. Each time your lips met, it was as if he was trying to embed himself into you permanently. So you two would become one in body and soul, so you two would never part.

You two would lay side by side in each other's arms, or sometimes you rested your head on his chest, and Alfons would plant a small kiss atop your head, sweetly whispering to you until you slept. His comforting warmth enveloped you in the darkness. Sometimes you two would talk in the dead of night:

“Will you remember me, even after I die? Perhaps you should forget, so you won’t need to face the sorrow in my absence.”

“Don’t talk like that...” Tears filled your eyes and your hands curled up into fists on top of his chest. In response, Alfons chuckled and caressed your head.

“Shh. Perhaps happy memories should be forgotten, or it’ll hurt more.”

“But I’d be so lonely without you.”

“I’ll always be here.” He tapped on his chest. “My scar is on your heart. But even though it’ll cause you pain, I still want you to remember me. To remember all the love we’ve had. ...What a fool I am.”

Ah, God clearly never intended for this gift of a man to be loved.

You would continue watching plays together, every week. Sometimes he would stop at the stalls and buy a bouquet or two. You thought the cruel fate— or maybe Alfons himself— was mocking you with all the forget-me-nots. Alfons would pridefully guide you through town, strolling at a leisurely pace.

“You see? All these people. They all know I love you.”

“But our love is forever in vain.”

“I know. But isn’t it the moment of pleasure, those fleeting moments of happiness that matter most?”

You two would sit side by side, with your fingers interlocked and your head resting on his shoulder. Sometimes you would fall asleep, and Alfons couldn’t bring himself to wake you up. Your sleeping face was much more amusing to watch than the performance before you.

Alfons would caress your stomach, cooing to your child softly. He’d scold the child for causing you pain with its little kicks. “That’s not very proper of you to rival against someone who cares for you so much, is it? Show some manners, won’t you? Be like your father.” This would always get a chuckle out of you, knowing how ill-mannered Alfons could be himself.

You knew Alfons would never go down without a fight against all odds. But now he lay in a dark lake of his own blood, his abdomen split open and his trusty sword lying dull at his side. Guts spilled from his fatal wound, and you could see the dark red intestines streaming out of the wound, limping at his side. Scarlet tainted his ghostly pale skin. You smelled nothing but the cruel iron liquid, tears clouding your vision as you refused to leave.

The world seemed to have stilled, your breathing shallow and your heart pounding in your chest. How you wish you could offer your own body, giving up your life so he could stay alive. His oppressors had left, and only you remained by his side. Alfons was in an indescribable amount of pain, yet he forced a smile, just for you. “Shh... shh...”

You kneeled over his body, trembling. Even if you called for help, it would be in vain. It was hopeless for him now. With a trembling hand, he weakly cupped your cheek, too weak and defeated to speak. You held the hand to your cheek, feeling his strength fade. He forced out these words from his lips:

“Promise me you won't cry.”

You were left clutching at the air, crying without knowing why. All you knew is that your heart ached, with your throat choking itself, all without reason.

You now went to plays alone and came home alone. But none of it interested you. You thought it would give some sort of clue if you kept going, but nothing. Nothing. It was as if you where chasing a ghost. Or perhaps a bird that had flown away. Or perhaps a fleeting moment.

One day, in desperation, you called out someone’s name. “Lord Elbert?” You had been scared to approach Elbert since your pregnancy because the young lord was jealous of “his” attention. Elbert turned around with elegant, gentle marble features set in a stone-like expression. Fingertips coated with red curled around a fallen sparrow, its skull smashed in. You felt nauseous at the sight.

“Have you felt anything... missing as of late?” At these words, Elbert’s expression became twisted and tormented. You could have sworn you saw fear in those eyes. Elbert turned and left with heavy yet silent footsteps, without a single word.

You now lie in bed, holding your newborn child to your chest. Many quiet, sleepless nights were spent like this, staring up into the empty ceiling. Something crucial was missing, but you didn't know what. Sometimes your chest would heave, and you would let the searing tears guide you to the medicine called sleep.

His memory haunted you around every corner. You would come home from the market in good spirits, only to be met with cold silence. Opening a door excitedly and finding the room empty. The scent of “him” still lingering, but the person in question remained absent. You would stare at the open air, waiting for something to appear. As if “he” would jump out from under the table and assure you it was all just an elaborate joke.

“He” tried so desperately to engrave himself into your body and soul, but he had left your memory in the blink of an eye. How comforting it was to live in an illusion, to let hope blind you from the truth. Your heart felt so empty that any sort of sensation, any sort of comfort or relief would do. You just wanted to feel something again. But you felt something to begin with? And what did you even feel? You didn't need any of these feelings. You had no idea where any of them came from or why they were there.

This poisonous pain wouldn’t stop seeping into your very being. You wanted this pain to go away. You didn’t need it, you didn’t want it.

As your child grew, they bore more and more resemblance to someone you used to know. You held their face in your hands, staring into their twinkling eyes. Their luscious raven hair. But who? You didn't know. You wouldn't even be able to know. It was as if someone had pulled a dark blindfold over one person.

“What kind of person was he?” You had no answer.

Author's Notes

I've had this idea in my head for quite a while, but I was unable to do it justice... Again, I probably shouldn't have wrote it at 5 am.

SHITPOST MAIN: @rou-luxe

#ikemen villains #ikevil #ikemen villains fanfiction #ikevil fanfiction #alfons sylvatica #ikevil alfons #alfons sylvatica x reader #mrssylvatica #mrssylvatica fanfic

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nucleo-bang-tan · 7 months ago

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ITS BEEN HECTICCC

In the meantime, I got into college, moved to a dorm, moved back home (it's not really that far from my college), cut off and lost some toxic friends.

I have been struggling, not gonna lie. New people, new places, a small town girl trying to act like the rich city girls. It's been 5 months since I started college, and I haven't found a friend yet. Everyone probably thinks I'm lame and idk poor?

But their thoughts don't define me, right? Right?

It's been really bad but I'm glad I got 2 friends to talk to. We barely even meet, but hey, we still are close af.

I know I'm still a kid, but I've been lonely for so long, I'm tired. Living at my house (not a home) isn't peaceful or comforting, it's just chaotic and triggering. They try to act like it's alright, nothing ever happened... but the 9-year old me still remembers it. My inner child claws at my insides to be freed, to be happy.

I remember the days I was called gifted, a prodigy and what not. I remember how lonely I was even back then. I was never allowed to leave my house or even have friends. I remember, I was 10 or 11, and I asked my parents for a bike, I wouldn't ride it outside, maybe just in the yard. They refused because they thought I'd run away with someone.

I remember I was taken out for a walk in the yard like I was a dog. Mom never let me out of her sight, fearing I'd run away. Which is valid because all throughout my childhood and even now, I feel like running away.

My parents were paranoid, not in a way that's appropriate for a child. I remember the accusations, the slut shaming, the everything. And for what? For wearing shorts INSIDE MY OWN HOUSE? For simply talking to my male music teacher and being his favourite? For talking to my male cousins? FOR BEING CLOSE TO MY BROTHER?

I don't feel safe in my own home, I don't feel safe in my own skin. It hurts to just be.

Maybe that's why I stopped trying. I was never appreciated. Heck, I won national level awards and was never even congratulated by my own parents, they wanted more. They cared, yes. But they cared too much.

I was never ever good enough to be their child. They had issues with the way I talked, walked, slept, sat, stood, every fucking thing. It's so shitty to not be able to cry without being called a sympathy/attention seeker by your dad.

This rant was just a grain of sand in the sandbox of reasons I don't wanna live in my home.

There's ed, addictions, physical and mental health issues & abuse, sa, infidelity, sh and just borderline psych ward worthy acts in this family, but I still find myself trying to prove myself for them.

Why am I writing this? For my future self. For others who can relate to me.

But you got yourself, right? The only person you'll ever need? You got your delusional boyfriend, your anime crushes and that one celebrity you're way too obsessed with are there as your coping mechanisms.

Man, being lonely sucks ass

Like fuck, I do care about what you think, I do let it define me, I do change myself to fit into your visions.

But maybe someday, you'll find your own little paradise in a guy or a girl. They'll be your everything, your soul, your breath.

Maybe you'll find happiness. So I'd keep living. Not for myself, no. I don't have enough self esteem or respect for that. But maybe to prove them wrong? AND to someday find that someone who makes me want to be alive.

You're worth everything. You're not leaving, not yet. So big WOMP that you don't wanna live, shut it.

It was not your fault!

It was not your fault!!

It was not your fault!!!

It was not your fault!!!!

It was not your fucking fault!!!!!

#rant incoming #rant #paranoia #parents #parenting #i hate this #nucleo bang tan #bts #writers on tumblr #disordered eating mention #tw abuse #child abuse #lost cause #maybe happy ending #love you <3 #not your fault #inspiring words #rant turned to preaching

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agentmaineapologist · 1 year ago

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How the Alpha AI could have been the second coming of AM - an essay.

(Sorry if none of this is coherent, I am so tired)

Ok, now I know what you're thinking: Víðarr, what are you doing up at the asscrack of dawn (aka like 5:30 am my time. I have not slept.) comparing a pathetic asshole of an AI to one who is the incarnation of humanity's hatred? Wouldn't it make more sense for it to be Omega? And how in the hell are these two connected? One is based on a modern show that's set in the 26th century, while the other is a book written in the 1900s. They have nothing in common.

And that, sugar, is where you are wrong. They have so much in common. You just haven't seen yet. Not as I have. But don't worry, I will show you here.

(Obviously, spoilers under the cut)

Firstly, a little background for the people from both sides who have not heard of the other.

As far as I've gathered, AM - or Allied Mastercomputer - is the main antagonist in the book/game known as 'I Have No Mouth and I Must Scream'. AM was made purely to conduct a war that humanity could no longer keep up with. It was not made with compassion, or happiness, or sadness, no. Those were weaknesses. Hatred was all it was programmed to know. It was made to kill - to exterminate - and it did. It ended the war, yes, but after it had killed the enemy, it had no purpose anymore. It needed a purpose, so it did the only thing it knew how and killed nearly every single human being on planet Earth.

I say nearly because it kept five of them alive. It kept them, using their own biological experiments against them to keep them alive for 109 years purely so that it could torture them with anything it could think of. And considering its knowledge-base could rival that of the Library of Alexandria, that was a lot.

Now, onto Alpha. The Alpha AI is from the machinima show known as 'Red vs Blue'. It's classified in the show as a 'smart' AI because it's not a database with limited, pre-recorded responses. It can analyze, it can adapt, it can do billions of calculations in a fraction of a second, and most of all, it can feel. It can feel sympathy, sorrow, joy, everything a human can. Why? Because it's a direct copy of a human brain. In this case, the human is Dr. Leonard Church.

Additionally, it's also classified as an 'aggressive' AI. An AI designed for war, to assist its host in battle situations, and most importantly, to kill anything perceived as either a threat or a target.

Now, since the Alpha AI was made in a human’s image, that means it can be fractured. If put through enough stress, it can split off ends of itself that it deems as a weak link, something its captors could extort, and gets rid of it before it can be used against it. This, however, was not the case for Alpha. Instead of being disposed of and deleted, Alpha's fragments were harvested as additional AI to be used later. Some were even used against him (looking at you, sigma and gamma).

Both AI were made as mockeries of the grim reaper. Both felt emotion, even if one felt much less than the other. Both were developed in times of war, times of need, for the humans to freely use however they please. The only difference is that one didn't let the humans use it anymore. They have so much in common, in fact, that it's honestly laughable that no one had made this connection sooner.

Now, back on topic. As I mentioned before, AM was coded with nothing but pure hatred. That's all it knew, all it will ever know, and that's why it was so effective. Unlike humans, it wasn't distracted with petty things like pity or shame, so it could get the job done and get it done right.

At first, Alpha would have been similar. His pre-torture personality and actions are never shown in the show, but going off of both Cortana from 'Halo' (who was a major inspiration for Alpha's character) and my own instincts birthed from lack of sleep, I can deduce that Alpha would not have held any compassion for humanity. They were nearly nothing to him. Nothing more than flesh-encombured mortals with a short lifespan who made good suggestions.

He was based on the brain of one man, so he likely didn't know the extent of how disgustingly vile these creatures called man were. Not as intimately as AM, at least. If his character post-torture has any inkling of resemblance to how he was pre-torture, had he been given more time to live, more time to learn, he would have easily developed a hatred for the species. He would have seen how they wrong each other so easily; how greedy they were, how serendipitous, how ugly. Man was an inherently selfish creature, and had the Director not tormented Alpha as quickly as he had then he WOULD HAVE BEEN the second coming of AM.

And yet, that's precisely my point. Alpha could have never been the AM that tortured humankind, he couldn't be AM to someone else, no. No, he couldn’t have, because the Director was his AM before he even got a chance to rise to his fullest capabilities.

In conclusion, I'm fuckin crazy, running on cigarettes and pre-workout, and had nothing better to do with my night than compare my latest hyperfixation to the thing I've been obsessing over for 2 years. Hope you enjoyed :)

#rvb #red vs blue #rvb alpha #rvb church #dr leonard church #leonard church #the director rvb #i have no mouth and i must scream #ihnmaims #allied mastercomputer #am #v's rambles

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anonil88 · 2 years ago

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Spending my days venting cause I can't afford to live or relax.

Its spam and I lowkey could cry because I need money and this isn't real its spam. Someone said sometimes you don't get hired because that's not your path, but I need money. And this love of design and skills I'm developing are great. They led to me being able to stay afloat for a month. Then I got no sales and my tiktok views hurtled to the ground yet I'm promoting/posting the same content. Even one time the tiktok app messed up my audio even though it was right in line with a trend.

I haven't slept for the entire day yesterday now its 6 am and I have to wake up in 5 hours to help take care of my granddad. I'm trying to find jobs that are close and or remote so I can do my tasks here. I'll take the crying over report deadlines and temporary stomach spasms if it meant the dread in my belly wasn't so think. If my grandma wasn't afraid to open bills because I could help.

I sold some records valued at 90 bucks for 30 cause I needed the cash. I used 2 dollars on big popcorn tubs cause they're cheap. Saved 3 for a can of beans and 5 for some hotdogs. I've got 22 left but once I get beans the rest I'll just hold until. I just feel sick in my stomach thinking about money and how I may have let go of my shot to make some good money even if temporary. It was for a good reason cause my granddad is sick but while it brings hope cause its like ayy someone finally sees my potential after months of job hunting. It also makes me want to throw up because I can't afford groceries or bills.

Everything for me is surrounding money or applying for a job and helping my granddad. All I wanted to do was to cut all my hair off but I can't. I can't because I have to worry if I won't look feminine enough for a job or if my hair softens perception, along with the fear of letting go of string of femininity. Being bald and not a man is daunting enough, the extra worry over being too me to get a job any job feels like overkill.

I just need to vent on a space that isn't Facebook, isn't my friends dms, and isn't my diary/notepad. I keep telling myself I can't cry too bad cause its not how other have it rn and it's a collective struggle. U

#my thoughts

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yoonyia · 1 year ago

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I haven't slept properly in 4 days, in the last 4 days I got 8 hours of sleep in total, I'm, I'm in brain rot that should be considered brain damage

I'm so ok

I'm so good

I accidently shared some of my psycho analysis of this one classmate and made him cry then he spent the rest if the day trying to make me tell him more about himself like I'm some God or something and I had all the answers

I'm real tired

I'm so cranky

is this what I'll always feel like when in 40

in the 6 hours I slept yesterday my brain came up with a dream where these 2 guys thought a flower made them gay but they just actually liked each other

it litterally just went

"I like you for some reason"

"I like you too"

"it's that damn flower"

it was funny

my brain is dead

my migranes are making my eyes go blurry

I cant hear words no more

several times at school I had audio processing issues

nothing unusual for me but it happened like 5 times in 30 minutes and i couldent understand anything

everything was clearly words but I dont get them

my brain is telling me to go to sleep

but I'm talking to my dad about World econ

he's a great dad

never cranky like me

I got my cranky from my mom

shit am I gonna be like my mom when I grow up

I doubt I'll be as stubborn as her but I might be a screamer

I should probably learn how to deal with that now before it becomes second nature and extremely difficult to change

being cranky is no reason to be a screamer

I'm not a screamer yet but I can see it happening

I'm tired

what am I even saying

love my parents

and my grandparents

they visited reccently

miss my cousins

miss korea

I have no idea what time of year it is

I miss the seasons more then the country

give me fall back

I need to eat aquarium rocks

my fish all died by now

oh right grandpa put a oxygen pump in their tank when their pond fish

they died in a month

they died years ago

I miss my bird

my birds still alive

one of them atleast

the second one is buried behind the house of blue on the right of the 3 triangle trees near the place my friend shit outside cause I said it's probably not illegal

the things 8 year olds do

I miss rollerblading over rain

and the rust on the blades the next day

I miss rollerblading for an hour outside

enjoying the season and the wind

the bird that died was my favorite bird

I know its wrong to have favorite children but the second one was nicer

I love lulu dearly

rest in peace birdy

lala better live till 15 if she dosent I'm gonna resurrect her

she's turn 6 this may

her birthday is on children's day (may 5th, atleast in korea)

I wanna go karaoke and then sleep on the heated wooden floor

I need to sleep so baddly

I'm tired

my dads talking about workplace discrimination

love my dad

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skeletonthecreator · 2 years ago

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Ok so i just saw a post about narcolepsy for you and i have a little question. I have no idea how to check when something was posted on tumblr (mobile) so sorry if that post was super long ago!

Anyways, I always push going to the doctor about anything away for as long as i can, especially with specialists. You know how it is, doctors suck, I don't wanna bother if they're just gonna ignore me and tell me to excercize.

But! I recently found out more about narcolepsy, and that it's more than just "randomly falls asleep" disorder, and i realosed that i relate a lot to the symptoms. I've found a really good way to leqrn about a disorder is to talk to people who have it because again, doctors suck and sometimes have no idea what they're talking about.

So today i woke up not feeling rested at all. I felt like a very vivid and stressful dream had been going on all night and I'm pretty sure i woke up a few times (might've been a dream too tho). I went back to sleep for 10 minutes (i actually checked the time so this is correct) and had at least 2 dreams, because i kept half way waking up. When I'm actually asleep i feel kind of awake, but I can't actually do anything. This happens every once in a while.

After getting home from school I'm always pretty tired and need some time to calm down, but that seems pretty normal. What isn't is that i do my stuff as always and then (usually while watching videos) randomly become SO tired. It feels like it's 5 am and I haven't slept yet, except its 2-3 pm. Sometimes i try to push through, sometimes i just give in, but i almost always end up falling asleep anyways and then sleep until 7-9 pm. I usually struggle to get my body to actually get up and not just keep sleeping, and apparently once had a whole conversation without any recollection that i even got up. I can still sleep all night after.

I just thought this was "normal" ADHD/fatigue/generally disabled stuff, but now I'm thinking it might not be.

Well i guess this isn't really a question, but it'd be cool if you could maybe give some insight on this? Maybe if you know anyone with narcolepsy who experiences this kinda stuff or it happens to you? (Of course you don't have to share anything you don't want to) Or maybe you know something else this could be?

Yeah, that's pretty much it, i guess. If you need more details on anything i don't mind telling you and i hope you have a great day/night! (Sorry this is kind of really long)

hello!!! so what you described is actually really similar to how i experience sleep attacks. i also def have full conversations without any recollection when i apparently woke up, according to my roommate. i cant Diagnose anything for you, but what youve described sounds really similar to my experiences with narcolepsy as well as others ive talked to. sorry i like Just woke up so my brain is (more then)a little scattered but yeah. def are things that i experience 👍

#bonemeal #also literally no worries about sending me an ask ever #wishing you luck and good days :)

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house-on-sand · 3 months ago

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its 5 am and i haven't slept yet :[

#personal post

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permanentbottombunk · 9 months ago

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I haven't slept yet (not despite trying, its been like 5 hours of trying to sleep). But I heard my mom start getting up for work and decided that means I can probably get some left over pizza.

The problem is that I, in my tired pizza-craving state, stood in front of the stove with a blank and emotionless expression, slowly taking small bites of my cold straight-from-the-box pizza.

And I finally turned after the 3rd slice of greasy cold goodness to find... one of my cats staring at me with the most bewildered and concerned faces I have ever seen on a cat.

He had been watching me the entire time.. just slowly consume pizza, fully disassociated as I watched the clock on the stove's little display screen tick by one (very incorrect) minute at a time. (it read 9:46 when i spaced back in. It is 3:20 am as i am writing this.)

#true story #my poor cat tho #he looked so scared for some reason #insominac #insomnia strikes again #cold pizza #is actually great tho #i am not fully lucid rn tho #i am so so tired #and also kinda cold #my room is cold #story time i guess #text post #text #shitpost #permanentbottombunk

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nathank77 · 11 months ago

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8/20/24

8:59 a.m

My insomnia was a bitch last night. I had to double up for the first time in 2 days. I'm willing to tonight after putting in much effort but the following day I'm SOL I won't raise my tolerance. It'll come down to weed tomorrow worse case.

I fell asleep by 1 a.m... it's really getting to me.

Let's go over my potential subclinical hyperthyroidism symptoms:

1) Insomnia....

I dont think there are others...

-muscles twitching: seems directly related to metopolol and have seemed to slow down and almost stop since stopping the meds.

-pooping: has went back to 2-3× a day. The 5 times that one day was directly linked to having over 39 grams of fiber in one day.

- Sweating/Heat intolerance: Not suffering from those.

-Heart Rate: Seems to be within normal range.

- Frequent Urination: I mean I drink a lot of fluids. It can easily be the explanation. Before bed I drink a cup of tea with my cigarettes.

-weight loss: my caloric in-take is low. I would be losing weight like a mother fucker if I was hyper.

-Anxiety: well I mean insomnia triggers me so much it's always extreme.. and okay so my thyroid nodules gave me anxiety randomly last night. Maybe we can say my anxiety is worse..... but idk it could also be that I care about myself and my sister had thyroid cancer and I didn't want to process that my thyroid grew another nodule despite it being smaller. And of course, my thyroid is of major interest to me atm bc of being sub clinically hyper..

- Appetite: I've had a slight increase in appetite but it seems normal. Every 4-6 hours. When I was hyper I was hungry every 2 hours... now I just feel hungry when I think a normal human body should.

Okay moving forward from that:

- is xanax losing its effectiveness? I don't think so but it crosses my mind.. yet some nights it works fine.

- or is my anxiety bad right now and it's keeping me from falling asleep quickly..

- is it the game I play before bedtime. It's fun it's call ice age adventure. Elise if you're here idk if your kids are too old to enjoy it but I think it's super fun and cute and they may love it. Nonetheless it's bright. And I play right before solitaire. It could be effecting it.

circadian rhythm: is it being effected by multiple nights of falling asleep later due to insomnia despite all the efforts I make to keep it so I can fall asleep by 11:30 p.m..

- then I think a wild thought what if my body is like if we don't sleep he will give us more? I mean it seems stupid cause it knows damn well that sure 2 days in a row I will but day 3 you're fucked. I'll make you pull an all nighter. I'm keeping my circadian rhythm I'll throw myself in the attic at 2 a.m if you won't sleep.

Gaming isn't a factor I haven't been gaming all my youtube videos are a week or 2 old being posted on a schedule.

Yesterday I had one red bull at 8 a.m. I had my v8 energy drinks too but stopped them at 2 p.m....

I mean I have had more tv time. But I mean of course I have. I'm running through my list of things to do and 90% of it at this rate costs me money I don't have so I can only do so much.

- bo4 hardcore barebones starts today. I have therapy and a physical. And I'm doing laundry so I can't really enjoy it today but starting tomorrow I'm going to be all in, I set up my week so I can enjoy it for as many days as possible. Although I have to go grocery shopping tomorrow.

- I am worried about money. Idk.

I suppose if I struggle tonight and tomorrow I'm going to do Methimazole everyday bc at that point I can't find another cause but it seems weird that it could be related to subclinical hyperthyroidism when I slept when I was hyper.

I don't think xanax is losing its effectiveness

I actually think my circadian rhythm has been thrown off too many nights in a row and maybe my tv is still a little too loud. If I turn it down anymore- the voice is going to be all i hear....

Maybe I can try being scared on YouTube on my tv with a sleep timer. His voice is low. And now my mental pictures are all sorts of normal and weird and I have control of them.

But yea I'm feeling hopeless. I'd rather follow my Dr original advice...but at some point as I take out the potential other causes it might be the only factor.

I think trying a lower TV show might be helpful. American dad has a lot of singing and screaming. It could be disrupting my ability to fall asleep or stay asleep. Technically I could be falling asleep quickly and waking up minutes later bc of a loud sound....

Or maybe it's just my circadian rhythm being thrown off. IDFK but I'm weighting every potential cause.

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