#its 1am so im scheduling this for a normal time

[notanotherblorbo]

The problem with having friends is that I want to hang out all the time and do things for 1 million years but I am also. Tired. And having a job. And having a family that has a bunch of shit going on all the times.

[haemosexuality]

the timeline goes

00-18 years old: i have always been VERY babies by my parents. i wouldnt call them helicopter parents per se, like they always let me do the things i asked (tho i never drunk or partied or stayed out late and dont know how that wouldve gone), but they always... just really protected me, i guess? spoiled me even. theres an embarrassing amount of household chores i just dont know how to do because they never asked me to and im not the type of person that intuitively knows i should be doing something, for example.

they would sometimes look through me phone till i was about 14 or so, my mom had an app that would lock me out of my phone after a certain time until i was 16. they always talked to doctors for me, bought stuff for me, went with me everywhere. aside from the phone stuff, i never had a problem with any of this. i was a very anxious child and an even more anxious and scared teenager, so having my parents helping me with everything was not just great but something i genuinely needed otherwise i would be having meltdowns every day (i mean. for some time there i was literally having full blown meltdowns like twice a week even with their help, so). i was also always just kind of... childish, both in interests and, when i got in the older part of my teens, mentality.

like i said i dont know how to Do a lot of things. adult things like chores and idk scheduling a doctors visit or finding a job. its hard for me to know things intuitively, its stressing and difficult to learn. idk how much of that was that i never had the ability to learn and how much is the autism that means i need my hand held a little more than its normal.

anyways, i never noticed how much my parents babied me, like at all, until it was pointed out to me by the neuropsychologist assessing me for autism earlier this year. and i was like, "...huh. yeah. youre rights. my parents do everything for me."

it was a lightbulb moment but i was freshly 19 and out of school, terrified of having to Become and Adult, and didnt have any problem with it. yes please continue doing everything for me, the world is so scary, the amount of things i have to learn is overwhelming, im scared of growing up, please let everything stay like it is.

march-june: things stay like this. i keep hating myself for how incompetent i am, but make no move to change that. i take the tiniest steps towards getting a job but thats scary so i keep putting it off. lifes goes on, very slowly.

july: i spent a week at my cousins house. she lives in a big city (i live in a small one in the middle of nowhere), 3 hours away from my house. ive done that before but this time she's 23, im 19, and she lives mostly alone. its the happiest i feel in a very long time. my mom isnt hovering over me, demanding i tell her everywhere i go. i can just go out. alone. in a big, dangerous city. i can stay out late and she cant do anything about it bc shes 3 hours away. i can drink and she wont know. i just feel free

i dont actually do that much bc in my core im not really someone who enjoys partying. i stayed out until like 1am and drank half a bottle of beer (it tasted like shit), but it was the first time i did that ever and while my parents Were blowing up my phone asking why i hadnt told them i was home yet, what were they gonna do about it?

in the next day me and my cousin's older sister (27) stayed up until 5am just, talking. shes a lot like me in a lot of ways, and we both cried a lot bc of that. she told me how much better her life got when she loved out of our small city and went to live on the big city. how many more opportunities there are, how many people there are, how many gay people there are and people like us and jobs that i can never find living in the middle of nowhere and just so much understanding. so many possibilities.

july: i come back home. to my small room and my parents. to the same shitty job options ive been imagining my whole life. i feel like the older sister poisoned me, i cant stop thinking about moving out of my house, of this city. i never realized how unbearable the pressure was until i was free of it for a while. i cant lock my door because my parents will wonder whats going on, and ill have to make up a reason. i cant go anywhere without telling them how or where. i have to live in a house with their rules, of how ill eat and how much noise ill make and when ill clean. i am a person! i want to do my own things! what if i actually like parties and ive just never tried them? i want to get drunk! i want to live in my own time! i want to listen to music at 3am and i want to schedule my own fucking doctors appointments and i want to have my own money and i want to be able to masturbate without being scared someones gonna know! i want to wear clothes without being scared of them thinking its slutty! i want to eat fast food without a lecture! i want to be responsible for taking my own medicine! i want to fuck up and have to fix it myself! i want to never fucking smell coffee again, because i hate the smell. i want to learn how to clean a fucking bathroom! i want to be able to cry, LOUD, and scream when im angry!! i feel like im trapped in a box and ill never be able to grow while im here!!!

but im so used to the status quo and that would need just, so much change. and also money. first thing i would need if i want to move out is fucking money and like, im still so scared of getting a job. and they cant help much rn. so im stuck in the box and slowly feeling like im going insane. im incredibly thankful for that trip and how it allowed me to change but also i kind of wish it had happened when i could actually afford to move out. oh well.

[ducknotinarow]

// feel I should address the curret state of the blog and why i just havent had anything the past few days.

for the second point uwu a bitch be tried cause waking up at 1am aint fucking easy XD so I sleep in till 2am at best but dont give me much time for anything like before. annnnnd its be a draining week plus some bullshit I wont go into u-u so I just been a tad to tried. I dont really have a staple plan on when i'll write like a schudeal or anything cause admittedly I saw me not writing every day did let me do other stuff too which was nice. I don't plan to go back to posting every day but I still wanna post often soo for now! imma see about when I feel like writing and do it then.

Not set certain days up per say cause mt work schedule a tad screwy this time of year and don't normally get normal again tile march at best. soo for now i'll be figuring it out mostly and update if I feel something solid sticks? My idea is every other day maybe. Or at best four days a week? XD this is why I hadn't said nothing really cause I dunno i was just gonna go with the flow and see what I do? I may make a post on days replies are set at least? I still like using a que personally after all if that seems like a good way to go?

but I think i'll still post fun things between and be a tad more interactive with my muses just let them comment on things going on uwu I done it here and there and I dunno it just fun for small junk ya know? okay im done rambling XDD

[blackvail22]

she was in my dream last night.

i havent dreamt about her in a really long time... i havent really thought about her either

it was quite odd. in real life, shes an asshole. she has the loudest voice in the room, saying something self-deprecating 90% of the time, and the other 10% is full of her talking shit about someone. in my dream, though... something makes me miss her.

she showed up at my doorstep with a bag full of stuff. it was full of all the art i made her, all of the letters i wrote her. i finally have got it back... i was always afraid that she threw them out or ruined them in a fit of rage. even though i dont really like many of my paintings, the ones i gave her, i was the most proud of them. i also made her a collage, and i even created a book-safe for her. i would spend hours at night writing letters for her, pouring out my heart and soul. when i saw all the sutff, i started crying. in the dream, i never once looked at her. the only thing i remember looking at is her long, frizzy, curly brown hair. thats all i really remember of the dream besides walking on the side of a highway and knowing how to drive (but not knowing how to park?).

anyway i love this song

on another side note, im wishhh i healed from my surgery already. im so fucking tired of my throat hurting, it hurting when i yawn (and feel weird afterwards bcos of my stitches), not being able to eat properly, not being able to talk, my ears hurting!!!!!

im so tired of complaining about this!!! i want everything yo be normal and to never need another surgery for this again but ooo ill be surprised in 9 DAYS when he tells me all about the disease i had (AND DIDNT FUCKING JNOW ABOUT)!

im exhausted. im tired. i dont want to spend another minute more than i need to in my moms room. im tired of how my dad is talking to me (makes me sick) and honestly, im losing my goddamn mind.

i dont really want to go to work anymore. my new coworker makes me dread my job now. and theres something about my recovery that makes me feel like i wont be able to go back to work when i told her i could (happens every surgery ive had, even my knee scope) and shes obviously gonna schedule me that week BUT HOW AM I GONNA CALL OFF IF SHE SCHEDULES ME 7-8 HOUR DAYS 4 DAYS IN A ROW? HOW IS SHE GONNA FIND SOMEONE TO COVER THAT????? AND IM DREADING THE PHONE CALL ILL HAVE TO MAKE ESP IF I CANT FUCKING TALK STILL (i can its just very tense and i choke on every word lmao) BECAUSE HOW AM I GONNA BE LIKE (strained) "hey! its *cough* [my name]. i *cough*--exuse me--am una- unable to come in .... for another f-*cough* few days. i cant talk.... and my doc...tor told me to rest...for a few days...." LIKE HELL THE FUCK NO

i feel like i constantly have acid in my throat. the smell of certain foods makes me sick, the smell of my moms cigarette smoke gives me a headache and nausea that doesnt go away (its 1am, my mom went to sleep at 9 and smoked before then. i still feel like i just inhaled the smoke) i have sharp pains in my side constantly, as well as the right side of my chest. I DONT FEEL GOOD AT ALL. all of my problems could be because i havent really been eating but its because i really cant? i drink water... yeah, i drink water when i remember to. (my body is probably in shock because i usually eat a lot and now im not/barely eating now LOL idek if that can happen but yeah.)

imma stop ranting now. i just wish this next week could fly by and i had a wfh job

[frostedpolkabb]

Alrighty...I guess Im doing a thing XD

so uh Ive been addicted to Welcome Home since the beginning of the year...and Im normally the type of fan that just wanders around and give my silent support....but seeing all the Welcome Home AUs Ive got inspired to make my own...

....I havent made any art for it yet but Ive got lots of notes so Im just going to dump it all here so Ive got it written down some where lol...keep reading on if you like or just keep drifting doesn't matter much to me...tho I hope you enjoy my info dumping :D

OK so to start I dont have a proper name for this AU yet..the working title is Creepy Media AU for the moment but Im always open to suggestions! Now onto the actual info :P

So the main thing thats different right off the bat is that instead of aimed at kids and being educational, this Welcome Home is aimed mostly for adults, young adults and maybe older teenagers but certainly not for kids [tho this doesn't stop parents from letting their kids watch it -_-]

The show leans into some heavy themes though horror seems to be its main theme with the goal of unsettling the viewers with reminders of advice given as kids. It started airing in 1949 and has had two hiatuses since then, one around 1957 lasting a year and the second one being 1970 lasting only a week.

Since their first hiatus in 1957 their broadcasting company has been changed but no information on the company is available anywhere, not even the location of the broadcast could be found. The show had also went from being a mainly English broadcasted show to a multilingual one, being shown in whatever language was used most in the country the show was played in.

The Welcome Home! show was known for its lovable and eccentric cast of characters but also for its odd scheduling and bumpers. It played throughout the day and late into the night with the only skips being the 1-2 hour long bumpers. Depending on the time the viewer watched the show you'd get a different variant of the show. For example...

2 - 5am = horrifying visuals, sounds and a generally haunted feeling, odd creatures were mostly noted along with a few...noteworthy changes to the seemingly friendly neighborhood. [has caused many deaths tho these were wrote off as natural causes]

5 - 7am = the first of three bumpers. the mildest of them, its a bit weird and surreal as if you took way too many psychedelics at one time. Viewers might think they hear something in their home but don't pay much attention. [anyone whose seen this bumper can't remember what they saw]

7am - 9pm = the usual tv show that most people have seen, with episodes ranging from light-hearted adventures to horror/slasher plot lines. Nothing out of the ordinary here besides the odd detail or two being oddly colored or misplaced. [nothing noteworthy here besides the characters sometimes going a bit off script]

9 - 10pm = second bumper. a bit more intense than the first but again not the worst. Massive drug feel to everything as if you are on the way to having a very bad trip. Everything begins to bleed together and become oddly colored while seeing the characters head inside their homes. Wally's house become the focus with a sudden wide shot of the neighborhood. [has traumatized kids and caused many to faint once the bumper is done, an odd eye mark showing up on the nap of the neck barely noticeable]

10pm - 1am = the once happy and inviting neighborhood becomes very much unwelcoming, becoming an odd liminal space of sorts with distorted voices drifting in and out repeatedly. The camera is fixed on Home with things moving at the edges but that's all [has driven people to insanity and paranoia]

1 - 2am = the last bumper...very intense and the feeling of being watched comes to the forefront and quickly becomes overwhelming the mark given on the second bumper burns intensely. [while somewhere faint chanting can be heard]

A big coincident that acured during its run in the 60s seemed to plague the show. A cult had revealed themselves to the masses though the name has been seemingly lost to time. At the same time quite a few people [between 12 and 33] began to go missing with no traces as to what happened or where they may have gone. The only key thing tying them all together was that Welcome Home! was on in their residence. The case had gone cold after a few years but many speculate that the show and the cult has something to do with it.

wow that was quite a lot now that Ive written it out XD and thats only like the lore stuff Ive got sorted out atm havent even gotten to the characters and such lol...maybe when I get home from work I'll get all that stuff written down and posted? idk XD we shall see I guess

[theygotlost]

TWENTY. YEARS. OF RATCHET AND CLANK. LOOKS AT YOU WITH BLOODSHOT EYES. i really wish i had the foresight to draw something for the anniversary but it just didnt happen. i think i still will draw something but it will just be late and thats ok. anyway I would like to share MY experience with the series ❤

my first ever rac game was tools of destruction. my dad brought it home one day and i had no idea what it was, I dont think HE knew what it was, I have no idea why he bought it. we never had a ps2, only a ps3, so nobody in my family had ever played the og trilogy. I didnt even know there were earlier games in the series for several more years. idk exactly how old I was, maybe 8 or 9, so this was a few years after tod's release (2009-10??). I watched my dad play it, and I thought it was the most awesome shit ever. I rarely actually played it myself cause I was bad at video games but I had such a huge crush on ratchet i wanted him to be my catboy bf so bad (some things never change 😑....) but my little brother became OBSESSED with it and played it over and over and over. he was only like 6 so he couldnt even read and didnt know the actual title of the game so he just called it "THE ROBOT GAME". i remember being so fucking confused and pissed off by the ending LOL. we had quest for booty pretty shortly after that and played that a million times too. i dont even think i registered that it was a separate game from tod and tbh i still think of it as tod dlc.

next was the acit demo, which again we played a million times, until finally our parents got us the full game (again a few years after release so probably around 2011-12). I distinctly remember my brother and i thought qwarks line in the opening cutscene "space. its big. so big in fact, that if you lost your car keys in it, they would be almost impossible to find" was the funniest shit ever and we quoted it constantly.

(and when I say "we played", i mostly mean i watched my le epic gamer brother play while I pissed him off with my backseat driving the entire time. sometimes this ended in physical violence.)

then we got all4one, and i remember my brother and I begging our dad and a family friend to play it with us so we would have a full party. our friend was like "idk guys, this is kinda wacky and quirky 🤨". I always insisted on playing as ratchet cause he was my specialest little boy and my brother mained nefarious. he LOVED nefarious he would run around screaming ANNIHILATE HIM!!!!!!!!!!

our parents got my brother into the nexus for christmas 2013, but at that point i had kind of lost interest and didnt care so i didnt play it (or just watch him play it like i did most of the time). for the next several years I really didnt give the series much thought. I might have played some of tod or acit again, i dont remember, but it was just something I used to like as kid.

and then well. spring 2020. I think a lot of people returned to things from their childhood after the pandemic started because all that fear and uncertainty makes you want to return to a seemingly simpler and safer time, especially if you were living away from your family and had to suddenly move back in with them like i did. so during quarantine I replayed all the rac games we had just for kicks, and it reignited my passion for these games and reminded me just how special they were to me. i became so intensely obsessed with them (especially acit). MY HORRIBLE SON DEX WAS BORN. (dexo is 2 years old now awwwwwwwwww) and ciro lent me his copy of the og trilogy ps3 port and I played the original games for the first ever time. and as luck would have it, rift apart was announced at e3 during that same period. kind of insane to think about. there was no way I was gonna get a ps5 so I just watch other peoples playthroughs 1 million times. i still wanna play it so bad 😭

ratchet and clank isnt even a game series its like a brother to me. its everything. its so important. learn your herstory. for some reason I was under the impression for a long time that rac was a super mainstream series that everyone has played. that a playstation and a copy of acit was made free for all americans by the president. but unfortunately the fandom is so so small with barely any active members on tumblr. there was a HUGE surge in content last year cause of rift apart, but 90% of people quickly forgot about it and moved on. i am eternally grateful to my rac mutuals and followers that continue to post and talk about it. o7

[caruliaa]

okay wow suddenly its 1am this does not bode well for me when i get back to my normal time zone i thought i wld always go to bed early here and i was wrong wsjsnzkzk… but!! i will at least try to get to bed now!!! so!!!! i just want to say that i love you soososooo much and !! that omggg vcing today was sososoo fun i was so glad we got to watch the cs and stuff like!!! it was a great episode and ever greater company and!!! talking w u mowing w you all of it is just!!! always so lovelyyy!!! and YOU are so lovely of a person my ladybird you truly are!!! like ur just sososooo wonderful and youre also such a wonderful wonderful friend who always makes me feel soooo understood and youa re so thouhghtful and stuff and!! i just want you to know that i am here for you always always always and always want to make u feel as loved and cared for as you are which is!!! sooooo much because i really really care ab u and rlly love youuu smmmmm !!!!! mwah! (hugs u if u wld wanna:333!!!! 💕❤️❤️💕💕💕💕❤️❤️🫶🏻🫶🏻🫶🏻❤️❤️💕🐈🫶🏻❤️❤️💕🐈🐈❤️💕💕❤️❤️🫶🏻🫶🏻🫶🏻)

I GET THT SMMM omg im gonna have such a hard time w keeping my sleep schedule reasonable now break has started omg i CANNOT have a repeat of going ot bed at 6 am regularly like last year FGNGFJNGF nd ough omg ur soso sweet mx ;; ough i hope you know i had soso much fun vcing too like getting to talk with you and hear ur voice nd watch cs with you nd meow together nd chat with u it rly was such such a wonderful fun time i think like just to spend time with you just like it rly rly always is my beloved !!! like ur just such such an incredible person to know and be freinds with and hang out with nd chat with nd hear ur thoughts on stuff nd share things with you you rly rly are mx like !! just whenever we spend time together it make my life sm brighgter and happier mx it rly does nd like *you* makem y life sm brighter and happier just by being in it and being my friend belvoed :'> anbd oooh i hope you know that i can b s rly rly good friend to you who is thoughtfull and understnading you mx i rly lry am bc welol i rly rly want to and bc u deserve it so much u rly rly do and i hope you know you *do* make me feel so so loved and cared for belvoed u rly rly do :'> !! nd i hope i do the same for you mx nd tht you know tht im always always always here for you too and love you so so much bc i rly rly do soso v much !! ;; !! *hugs you back soso v much if you wish beloved * !!!!!!!!!! 💞💞💞💞💞💞💕💕💕💕

[meltwonu]

can I just tell yall the bs that happened on my little hiatus skdjfhsjk

like first of all, im sorry I didn't update the masterlists sooner 😭, it all ties in once I tell y’all the way I was disrespected like, 

literally I got in trouble with my boss for something I didn’t even do which was the first thing and like/???? normally when we get new clients we typically ask them a lot more questions bc obv we’re feeling them out and sometimes they don’t know what they want and I was handed a project from a new client who was kind of really impatient and ended up kinda giving the “yea yea w/e just let me know when its done” type shit so I finished the project BC IT NEEDED TO BE FINISHED IN A DAY and left it with my manager bc I was ‘off’ the next day so she would have to pass the project back to the client, it was a really quick one so I didn’t think much of it. well when I spoke to my manager the next time I saw her, she was like, yea that client asked for notes on their project and why certain things were left out and kept in(bc we asked for a basic idea of what they wanted, etc, they were really flexible in the consultation so??? admittedly I didn’t think it’d be an issue???) and I was like??? she never asked for notes?? OR FEEDBACK?? just threw it at us and wanted it finished, to my knowledge??? and my manager kinda seemed like she didn’t believe me for a second but also was kinda lookin at me like ‘idt Hina would lie about this’ but I still got chewed out and that was annoying as shit cuz I never get in trouble at work 😭😭😭

AND THEN THE WORST OF IT, my friend commissioned me kind of around the time I was finishing up MMS2 and I told her, “hey I'm rly busy I dont mind taking on this small project for you but you need to give me all the info up front bc I'm busy and once I get the chance to work on it, I know our schedules won’t match up(she does not work) so I need to be able to work on it without having to consult you every 4 seconds(she also goes to bed at 6pm and wakes up at like 1am to stay up all night)” and she wanted me to design some birthday cup sleeves for an idol group, no I will not say who and also I used an alias lol, and I've done cup sleeves before and they're quick so I was anticipating being able to finish in just a hour or two, so I was like, ya its technically a commission but I won't ask to be paid, just think of it as a friend favour since it’s quick. um, anyway, never work for free regardless of who it is. and if you work for free or write fic for free or make content for free, don’t ever let anyone make you feel bad about it if it’s not perfect. because my friend was like, ‘omg yea I understand ur super busy with work rn and it doesn’t have to be perfect I really appreciate you doing this for me!’ so I was like ok, let me put it to the side until after I finish my work(which was me just wrapping up MMS2 but shhh) and that two week break after, I finally had the time so I sat down and did them to the mockups she made and like I had anticipated, it only had taken about a hour and a half and i’d even made alt versions if she didn’t like the ones I'd done, just in case she didn’t like the layouts. and I sent them to her and I was like, I finished up, here's all the files, etc etc, it used the same fonts and colour palettes she asked for, same placement she asked for, etc. and she was like, “um I need you to change everything about these.” so to tldr the next FEW DAYS THAT FOLLOWED she literally had me changing everything about the cup sleeves, down to the text and placement and etc etc and I just kept thinking like??? a few days ago she said they didn’t have to be perfect, she just wanted them to be in the same style as her mockups because I was already working on them for free WHILE I WAS WORKING ON /WORK/ and now she was treating me like she was one of my work clients except I wasn’t getting /paid/ for this. 

so eventually it got to the point where I was just like, ‘hey, I get you want these to look good for your cup sleeve event but I feel like you really blindsided me by saying that you just wanted simple cup sleeves and didn’t care about it(because she knew I had the programs to make them and she doesn't) and even gave me mockups to follow, which I did, and when you realized I could make them better than your mockups, now you want completely different, more complicated ones and this project that I quoted would take me a few hours AT MOST is now taking multiple days bc when I finally talk to you on what needs to be changed, you literally leave to go to sleep without saying anything to me and you want it done by tomorrow now when you know I work 9-5 and don’t have time to be waiting on you′ 

and she got SO. UPSET. and didn't even apologize for completely taking advantage of me and my generosity and I was like, “yknow I dont mind doing small projects for you when you’re transparent with me bc I AT LEAST know what I'm getting into but this was really unfair and next time I'm going to have to ask to be paid by the hour because this is now literally how my clients are? and they pay me for my time.” and she was like ‘oh haha I probably won't ask again bc I just wanted to make cup sleeves this one time’ even tho I know she only said that bc she does NOT want to pay me for any work 😕 oh also not to mention she didn't want me to put my watermark on anything and didn’t want to give me credit for any of it and wanted me to put her username on it like she was the one who made it 😃 

she spent the next few days after that completely kissing my ass lol trying to be overly nice to me so I would forget but now when friends ask to commission me, I literally have a form and that’s really disappointing to me tbh. ☠️

[misfitjohnnys]

unintentional; i just can’t stay by your side

You’ve worked hard for everything you’ve gotten and Mark Lee is a soft twist in your busy life, but you know hiding part of yourself eventually always bites anyone in the ass.

Word count: 19k - part 4/5

Reader x Mark Lee

(M)

masterlist // warnings

Mark hadn’t texted you back yet even once you woke up, sending you into a slight worry. The night shift had been hell and you were trying hard not to worry about Mark on his flight; you already had so much on your plate after your time spent away with him.

a/n: this chapter contains smut

You quickly logged onto Tumblr and tried to get some kind of update, blinking a bit when you saw nothing from searching his name and moved to Twitter. You were still met with nothing. The signs were both good and bad. No bad news, but that didn’t necessarily mean it was all good. You decided to text him again, but hoped you weren’t being too much. You’d already sent a few texts and you were scared to text the other members in fear that something bad had happened; you couldn’t handle if that was the truth.

Everything okay? Missing you :(

You sighed, tossing your phone to the side and staring at your ceiling, alone in your empty bed. It was the first time Mark had been away from your country since you met and you hated that you were feeling this way, but you couldn’t help it. You got up and tried to busy yourself by cleaning and taking your things from the spare room to set your decorations back up. You thought it would make you feel better to do so and to see things that reminded you of him, so you reorganized your memorabilia with no avail, trying to wait patiently for a response.

Mark was probably busy, you decided. Baekhyun had blown up his phone and he was back at home so maybe he was catching up, but you thought a text message wasn’t too much to get. Mark was normally good at responding, wonderful even. So, it was only a bit odd that you’d gotten nothing since his just landed! text that you’d gotten at 7pm the previous night. It had been about a day and a half since you dropped him off and the flight was almost 16 hours, so something didn’t feel right. It should’ve been nearing 1am at that point. You’d have to get used to the time difference, unfortunately.

You decided on cleaning your whole apartment to distract yourself and take a day off, calling the housecleaner off yet again. You needed to keep your mind busy until Mark would text you back. It took about an hour after you started your cleaning, but you finally got a response, gasping when you saw the name on your phone. You had to calm down for just a moment before opening it, smiling and trying to relax. It had been way too long for a response, but you were going to give him space.

Hey

You swallowed. He hadn’t ever texted you a greeting like that before, he always used emojis and overused exclamation points, so just the simple word bothered you. You tried to shake it off, texting him eagerly as always.

hey!! how is everything?

You hoped you’d get a better response, but you were left disappointed.

its okay i guess, i’m pretty busy.

You gulped, not liking the tension, but after all it was over text message, so you shouldn’t be as worried as you were. but something didn’t feel right. You tried to find the right words to respond but were cut short by the ellipsis followed by another text.

Can we like, talk?

Of course, you could talk to him. You shockingly weren’t busy, and you always made time for Mark.

yeah of course! you wanna call me? 💞

You tried to ease whatever was going on with your own sweetness, hoping it would be returned.

Not really.. I’m kind of in the middle of something, but I have to talk to you.

Oh no, there it was. Something was happening. You wanted to play the joke card to ease the tension because he always wanted to call you, he rarely didn’t call you for at least a minute when you asked, but you had to understand that he was back home and things would be different when he was there. It was much more dangerous. You watched the dots appear on your screen again, pausing your own thoughts for response.

Are you like, an nctzen?

Mark felt stupid for asking like that, but they were the only words he could come up with. You thought it was cute and you didn’t think anything of that message, which eased your concern a bit.

well yeah, dummy 😂 why wouldn’t I be?

More dots showed up, quicker this time.

No. That’s not what I mean.

You swallowed again.

Mark was sitting at home awake much too early with Taeyong sleeping, not really wanting to talk to him about the situation either. Taeyong didn’t seem like anything was wrong and that bothered Mark to no end. He sighed, typing a response again and he only saw the read receipt from you.

Like. Okay. Were you a fan of us, before all this happened? Like from the beginning. When you met me.

Your heart was beating fast, staring blankly at the message. Fuck, you should’ve told him by now. You had the time, you had the ability to tell him the whole time, you don’t know why you hadn’t. Of course, you knew that it was more of a possibility of him tossing you away that scared you into not telling him in the first place. You had every opportunity to come clean and you hadn’t. You feared his judgement and it swayed your truth. You sat in guilt on it for so long, hoping it would turn out to be fine and be something you laughed about later on, but it didn’t seem like that was how the conversation was going to go. At all. You were nervous, you wanted to deflect, buy some time. Maybe he was just asking to clear his own head and you were thinking too hard into it.

mark baby what’s this about?

You felt stupid for asking like that at the seriousness of the conversation, sighing and deciding on sending another message.

can you call me later? i can tell something is up, we can talk about it later if youre busy okay? focus on your work, i love you.

You had forgotten about the time again, just assuming that he was busy with other things. He did have extremely tight schedules after all.

I’ll call you later.

Okay, I’ll be here to answer, alright?

And like that, you got no further response, no I love you too, just a read receipt and a bad feeling in your gut. You sighed, checking on the time difference. Mark had to have been home in his dorm, lying awake either much too late or up too early and you knew how things got to him in the hours between night and morning. Maybe he needed to sleep whatever off, you would give him the space. You decided to try and busy yourself with cleaning again, but you found yourself obsessively checking on Tumblr, Twitter, and anywhere else you could think to find any information on what Mark had been up to. You knew it was wrong, but you thought your worries would be eased. What if he found your accounts? Maybe that was what this was about, but you didn’t think so. Mark wasn’t very big on social media in general, so you doubted he’d find you easily.

The feeling in your gut didn’t subside for a few hours, aimlessly wandering around your apartment and trying to straighten up even more, but everything was reminding you of the last week and the fact that Mark had just been there days ago and now he was back home questioning you over text message and nothing felt like it was making any sense. You didn’t know what exactly you did wrong, but there were so many ways he could have found out, you weren’t exactly sneaky, you just didn’t tell him the whole truth.

You sighed heavily, deciding to text your friends to figure out what was up. Irene was still pretty angry with you for ditching your responsibilities to follow a concert tour and you’d hardly seen her aside from in passing without questioning you, so you didn’t know what she’d think if you messaged her about Mark. She was off of the option list. Yeri seemed like a valid person to give decent feedback, so you shot her a message.

Yeri sweetie I’m freaking out I don’t know what to do

She was always quick to reply.

Oh god what’s happening are you okay

Not really, I think I fucked up with Mark and I don’t know what to do

Holy shit wait, are you still talking to him????

dude AM i?? We kinda made things official and he came to visit me a week ago shit im sorry I haven’t updated you

no fucking way dude I still have Lucas in my DMs… man what have we gotten ourselves into???

lucas??? in your DMs???

YES OMG but okay that doesn’t matter what’s happening with Marky Mark???

You’d return to the Lucas conversation at a later date, that didn’t matter right now. You wanted guidance and you knew Yeri wasn’t the best at advice, but she was great at listening and offering a helping hand as much as she could give you, so it was helpful.

okay so he texted me some cryptic stuff and I’m just really nervous that i messed something up

Alright stop freaking out lmao, I’m sure everything’s fine and you’re just being dramatic!! What did he say?

You sighed and screenshot the last bit of your conversation and sent it, hopefully trying to get a better answer. It felt wrong to share your conversations with him, but you felt it was the best way to help you and get a clearer answer. Yeri knew you had put up the charade in the first place and wasn’t too fond of the idea, but she’d never tell you that. She’d act oblivious as much as she could to stay on your side.

What could that be about?? Did someone get to him and try to make you look bad??

Yeri i literally have no idea, I’m freaking out trying to figure it out! It’s like 2am there and I don’t want to bother him again to talk

Okay sweetie well just let it ride out, see what he has to say and call him in the morning! Don’t freak out too much yet, I’m sure it’s fine!! i love you!!!

You sighed again, hoping that Yeri was right, she usually was, but Irene usually had a more practical answer. Irene wasn’t someone you could ask about this though, she’d be angry with you for trying to focus on someone instead of your work and you hadn’t even updated her on exactly what was going on, so she was out of the loop to begin with and telling another person didn’t seem like it was in the best interest of you or Mark. You frowned, hoping that you’d calm down a little more before going to sleep because it had gotten dark before you realized how fast time had flown by. Maybe you’d send him one last text, just to ease your own mind.

Hey, I know it’s late, but I’m worried I did something to upset you and that’s the last thing I want, can we talk as soon as possible?

Yeah, I’ll call you in the morning.

Goodnight.

Sleep well, okay?

He’d never been so short with you before, just hoping that it wasn’t an issue you created because you didn’t think you did anything for him to find out. Maybe someone else was speculating and it wasn’t on you at all. You tried to convince yourself that maybe someone had him paranoid instead of it being something you did. You were trying to be optimistic and hoped it would all just blow over. It would break your heart to have ruined it yourself because things were going so well, and it was so long since you’d been so happy before. You sat in your freshly made bed, hoping to relax a bit. A few hours passed, still trying to find things to ease your mind before it was getting late. Still no call from Mark and no other texts from him either. You checked the time, hoping it was getting to be around morning time for him. Maybe you’d get lucky and he needed to be up early.

Your hopes were answered when you received a text around 4pm.

Is now a good time?

Your heart was racing faster than you’d ever felt it, your stomach in knots.

-

Mark had the chance to talk to Taeyong, who had more of a difficult time talking to him than he thought possible, Taeyong’s nerves were shot and he spent his hardest time trying to defend you.

“So you knew about this, like, the whole time?”

“Well, no..” Taeyong sighed, scratching behind his ear nervously. “I only found out after we went bowling and Baekhyun-hyung had me come in the room with him and-“

“So you helped him go through the suitcase?”

“No, not at all, I-um- actually told him not to, but you know he’s very persistent and-“

“Taeyong, come on, please.” Mark nearly looked on the verge of tears. “You know I hate being lied to, I hate it so much, so why didn’t you tell me?” He pleaded with his leader, hoping to get a better answer than the upsetting one he was getting.

“I-“ Taeyong sighed. “I saw how happy you were, and I know that we all get a bit uncomfortable when we try to talk to someone and they’re a fan, and I-“ He tried to gather his words, earning a disappointing look from Mark. “I didn’t want you to make that mistake.” Taeyong was honest, he was pure at heart and only wished for the best in people. The last thing he wanted was for Mark to give up his chance of pursuing you because of the stigma around dating a fan, so he stayed quiet and it was biting him in the ass.

“Well, now I might have made another mistake because I’ve been lied to for the last, what? Few months?” Mark scoffed. “Does anyone else know? I mean come on, we’re all in a group chat with half of 127, you know how awkward that is that I literally introduced them to someone who possibly fucking idolizes them? That’s so weird dude!” Mark didn’t like the idea of putting Yuta, Jaehyun, Johnny, or anyone else in danger and it would be all his fault if something happened, the boys were weird and texted dumb things and private conversations, so it wasn’t a good look to have you knowing them all like that. Granted, they were adults and could have spoken up and denied being added, but Mark knew they all believed the best in people, which is why he made the chat in the first place.

Taeyong gulped again, trying to get Mark to calm down before he spoke again. “Nobody else knows.”

“Nobody?” Mark didn’t seem so sure.

“No, Baekhyun hasn’t told anyone either.” Taeyong was biting his nails, looking anywhere but in Mark’s eyes. He was almost sure that Baekhyun hadn’t told anyone because he seemed so adamant that the word shouldn’t get out, but Taeyong wasn’t entirely positive.

“You sure?” Mark asked, pleading for Taeyong to answer him honestly. Taeyong had a history of making sure everyone was always happy, so Mark had to make sure he wasn’t avoiding the truth just to please the boy.

“I’m positive, okay?” Taeyong nodded. He wasn’t, but it would put Mark at ease, but he was positive that even if Baekhyun had slipped up that he wouldn’t put them into even more danger by adding to the situation. EXO was known for being level-headed and under the radar, so he didn’t fear that you’d be exposed, not even a little bit. He thought a moment, blinking at Mark. Taeyong was going to make his statement. Maybe he wasn’t right in how he felt, but it felt like he was. “I don’t care, I think the two of you are good together and you make each other happy, so you shouldn’t care either!” Taeyong sighed softly. “Have you two talked?”

“Not yet, I’m, um, supposed to call later. I was supposed to call days ago, but I-I don’t know if I can.” He’d texted you, but he’d avoided calling you for days and you tried to be fine with him not talking to you even when he seemed like he had so much to say and clearly the conversation was important but the time never felt right and Mark was obviously avoiding the problem.

“Please talk, you guys have something special okay, I know it.” Taeyong offered a smile, trying to make sure Mark didn’t regret his decision just because of one small hiccup. Mark sighed again, his face in his hands. “You should be upfront and figure the whole thing out.”

“Okay, I’ll call, fine.” Mark grumbled, pressing his thumb and forefinger to his temples. “I seriously don’t know what to do, man.” He scoffed. Taeyong sighed softly, nodding his head.

“I mean, stand in that position, what if you decided not to talk at all just because you found out about the three of them were fans? I can’t exactly blame them in this situation. I can understand why they hid it from you, you probably would’ve backed away before it even started.” Taeyong tried his best to comfort Mark, but he could tell he was failing. He was disappointed in himself for failing to talk to Mark before Baekhyun got to him in the first place, he blamed himself more than anyone. It was a tough situation to be in in general, he understood both perspectives and just wanted everyone to be happy. Taeyong didn’t know what to do.

“But you could’ve warned me.”

“I don’t know that it would’ve helped..” Taeyong was probably more nervous than you, settling back down with biting his nails and he wasn’t even sure who he could talk to about his own nerves, not wanting to hurt Mark any further until you two settled what was going on. He hoped everything would be okay, Taeyong liked you. He thought you were wonderful, and he was so happy to meet you and see how radiant and excited Mark had been since becoming a trainee, he just hoped it would all be fine. He wanted Mark to be happy, he wanted you to be happy. He liked the friendship he’d made with you and checking to see how you were doing, always followed with happy text messages and even he wanted to message you before it blew up, but it didn’t feel right.

Taeyong wanted it to all be okay.

-

“Hey.” The voice on the other end of the speaker was almost terrifying. You had gasped when Mark finally called. It had been a while since you talked. Mark had done a good job ignoring you for way too long and you felt like you could pass out.

Your heart was pounding painfully in your chest. It was nearing 4pm your time because he’d clearly let it go on to the next day even after he and Taeyong’s conversation, but he had finally decided to call when he woke up, thoughts rushing around both your heads, but the biggest fear was whether or not Mark was alright. You had been so worried about you and where you stood with him, but once you heard his voice that was long forgotten, you just wanted him to be alright. That’s what mattered more than anything.

“Mark?” You questioned, voice coming out much shakier than you wanted it to.

“Hey,” He sighed through the speaker. You didn’t know if you were ready for the conversation even if you had so much time to prepare for what you’d hear, but you knew it was necessary to keep whatever was happening between the two of you at a decent standing. “I’ve got, um, a question.” He sounded confused and choked up.

“Okay, yeah, you can ask me anything.” You assured him, hoping to put him at ease. “Is this about what you texted me about?”

“Yeah,” Mark cleared his throat. “It is, um. So, like. Be real with me.” He sighed again. “Were you a fan of us before all this? Be honest with me, please. I-I-I asked the other day and you didn’t answer.”

You had half a mind to deflect again even after some serious thought, but you weren’t sure it was the right answer. “I-“ You sighed. “I knew about you.”

“That didn’t um, exactly answer my question.” His laugh sounded condescending and you felt like you could vomit. “How much did you know?” You sighed again.

“A good amount, I guess..” You trailed off, voice quieter.

The speaker was silent for a moment. “Please don’t lie to me, I really don’t like being lied to.” He was making it more and more obvious that you had really messed up, which was your biggest fear. You had messed up and there was going to be no way to avoid the conversation and go back to normal because you neglected to tell him in the first place. You avoided it on purpose and kept making excuses, but you were screwed. You messed up. It wasn’t someone projecting on him, he had been told the truth and you didn’t know how, but it didn’t matter. He knew and all you could do was confirm and come clean.

“Mark,” You sighed again, knowing it was finally time to fess up. You weren’t sure how to word it, but you finally had to tell him the truth even though it was too late. You had a feeling. “I was actually in the city for the SuperM concert with my friends and-“ You paused to calm yourself down. “I’ve been a fan of you for a while, yeah.”

“Me?” His voice was softer, obviously trying to get you to continue.

“Well-Like, all of you? I guess.” You said briefly, biting your lip. “I’ve kind of.. been a fan for a while.”

“And you didn’t think this was that big of a deal?” He asked with a scoff.

You paused for a moment, silence breaking waves in your head. You should have told him, and you had been purposefully avoiding it. You feared telling him and it felt like good reasoning until that moment. “I was scared, Mark.”

“Scared of what?” He asked, tone much more aggressive than you were used to. You felt sick to your stomach, lying on your bed and trying to finish the conversation without freaking out fully.

“Scared of you not wanting me anymore, I guess. Scared that you might not give me a chance.” You hoped that was the right answer. It was the truth and hopefully he would understand. Maybe it would all blow over.

“I wish you would’ve just said something because now it absolutely, like, feels like you’ve been hiding shit from me.” Mark had never raised his voice, he still was level-headed, but you knew he was correct in his feelings and he had every right to react that way. “I seriously hate being lied to more than anything in the damn world and you’ve been doing it to me for months, I just like people to just be, like, upfront with me, dude!” It was weird to hear him speaking like that especially since it was all so new to begin with, wishing you had never put him in the position to be angry with you.

Internally, Mark knew that he more than likely wouldn’t have given you a chance, but he didn’t want to think about it. He wanted to pretend that he wouldn’t have done that, but it wasn’t the truth and he knew it. He was pulled from his thoughts again when you spoke. “I-Mark, I-I’m really sorry, you’re right, I should’ve said something.”

“Yeah, you think?” He scoffed again. “This is like, exactly what happens to people in this industry.” His voice started to crack a bit and knowing you were the reason for his upset was more than heartbreaking. “We have such a hard time dating people because they get lied to, okay? I trusted you, I poured my heart out to you and every single time I thought you were just interested in me, it was all things you probably already knew, huh?” The bite in the last sentence was soul-crushing, your throat felt tight.

You didn’t know how to respond. You pulled yourself together, trying to ignore the blinding headache you were getting from having hurt him so badly. It was never your intention, but he was right. He was. “Yes.”

“You knew all that stuff. You knew our songs; you knew the members and here I was just thinking you had learned it all for me.” He spat, hurt in his tone. “I thought I was special, someone you wanted to get to know and it was stuff you already knew! You knew everything, didn’t you? Didn’t you?” He repeated more aggressively, but you didn’t want him to think you wouldn’t have done those things in the first place. If you had been in the position to get to know him from scratch, you would have learned those things about him, but knowing him was the reason you had connected and invited him to the party in the first place. He was special, but it wasn’t an authentic relationship and it killed you that you’d done something so stupid.

“You.. Are special, Mark.” You sighed, trying to ignore the tears begging to fall because he was right. “You didn’t deserve to be lied to, but Mark, I really like you. Not even just because you’re famous or my idol or anything, I really, really like you okay? I’m interested in continuing to get to know you and every moment I spent with you is a miracle and I just hope you feel the same way.” You were both quiet for a moment.

“I mean,” He huffed into the phone. You didn’t expect him to go off. “I thought I did, but how can I trust you? I had to find out from Baekhyun that you’d been lying to me! Not only me, but to Lucas, Taemin, everyone!” The words stung. “We let you in the chats, let you into our personal lives, and then we find out we probably fucked up big time? That’s low, it’s really fucked up looking at it. It puts us in danger, okay?” You gulped. He was right. He had every right to be mad because it was almost like you were invading his personal life by hiding part of yours. “I’m supposed to make the decision on if I want to take it anywhere with someone knowing who I am. I’m supposed to be the one to decide, not you!” It felt wrong. You felt wrong. You shared so much with Mark and he shared enough with you to get him into huge trouble, but you had ignored it for your own selfishness and continued to drag it on. “Do you see where I’m coming from?”

“Mark, I swear I’d never put you in danger.” And you wouldn’t. You’d never do anything to hurt him or anyone else but that didn’t matter in the conversation. You had avoided dating for the same reason, people searching for your money or to get what they wanted when you first got your name up, but you never expected to be in the opposite position. You didn’t need Mark for the money, but the validation of having someone more famous than you was probably an internal validation that you seeked. Maybe it was why you’d done it in the first place; having someone you looked up to interested in you felt good and it made you selfish.

The mention of Baekhyun didn’t raise any flags in your head at the time, it didn’t even cross your mind that it was why he’d been so dodgy with you and weird in the first place. You’d only met him twice in comparison to the others and both times he was sweet but guarded. The lines didn’t connect at the mention.

“So, you haven’t talked about this to anyone? Not on the internet or anything?” He scoffed, finding it hard to believe if your answer was no. You hadn’t told anyone and the people you did tell had met with them and weren’t in any position to speak out about it. Seulgi didn’t care and Yeri was talking to Lucas, so they weren’t a threat because they’d end up exposed too. However, Yeri was an open book and you were positive Lucas knew about her liking him anyway.

“No, I swear. I’ve only talked to the friends you met and they’re not stupid either, we’d never do that to you.” You answered honestly. “I haven’t told anyone, at all. Not even my assistant! They only know I’m talking to someone, what’s between us is private.” Mark knew who Irene was to you and the fact that you hadn’t told her didn’t seem close to believable in his state of mind.

“I just don’t know if I can trust that.” He had every right to feel that way, but you wanted to let him know that you cared, and you would never cross that line. You had to remind yourself that you’d never get Mark in trouble and that seemed to be what he was most worried about.

“I-“ You swallowed, sighing and trying to let him calm down. “Mark, I promise I’d never do that. I wouldn’t tell anybody because I know what would happen if the word got out, I-” he cut you off.

“I just-I don’t know what to do now.” If you were in fact being honest, Mark had to consider how he was feeling now that he knew the truth. It was all up to him to figure out what to further do.

“I-I know.” You did know, you did know the danger he could be in, but again, you’d never hurt him. You hadn’t said anything. You’d been truthful and didn’t even know how you wound up in that position, but you were definitely not going to ask. You weren’t lying about anything you’d confessed to at all, you only wanted the best for Mark, but you being with him was just too exciting to give up and you knew from the early in the beginning that you didn’t care who he was, you liked him for who he showed himself to be, you liked his authentic self. Maybe you should reiterate your feelings and the silence was killing you. “Mark, I promise I could care less about how famous or anything you are. I like you. I like you more than anyone I’ve ever dated or talked to, and yeah it’s exciting that you’re someone I used to idolize, but it’s all changed now. I know you deeper than that. You’re amazing and I love that you gave me a chance and I hope you can give me the opportunity to make it up to you and everyone else.” The line was quiet again for longer than you expected. You wish you knew if he was smiling, if he was feeling better, if all you were saying meant anything. “Mark?”

“I’m processing, okay?” He huffed over the phone again. “I just don’t know how I feel, okay?”

“I understand.” You did, you knew the tight spot you’d put him into, but you were going to own up to it.

“I’ll talk to you later.” You could hear the irritation in his voice. “Let me think.”

“I-“ You swallowed, wondering if you should even say it, but you wanted to remind him how you felt. “I love you.”

“Yeah.” The line went blank, he’d hung up. You hadn’t experienced a heartbreak like that; it was unsettling and crushing. You felt tears well up in your eyes and wondered how you went from being so wonderful to being such an issue in his life. That was the last thing you wanted, but deep down you knew that time would come. You just hoped you got lucky enough for him to be blind to it, but not everyone else was. The subject of Baekhyun finding out was starting to stand out in your head finally, furrowing your brows and you knew you should leave Mark alone, but you wanted to know exactly what he meant. You didn’t want to further bother him at all, but after a few minutes, it was eating you up and you knew you had to ask. You thought up a text to Mark, but quickly erased it. You decided to text Taeyong.

Yong?

You didn’t get an answer quickly, so you’d send another.

can i ask you something?

You got to thinking about everything Mark said and suddenly Baekhyun seemed to be an important part in the whole thing. Maybe that was why Baekhyun was so distant. Maybe he knew the whole time. The possibility was driving you crazy, but you had to remain calm and work it out the right way. It was your only hope of redemption and Taeyong was the most calm and friendly person you’d spoken to from the experience. You two had become decently close. Taemin and Ten didn’t seem comfortable enough with you yet and Lucas was unfortunately hopeless when it came to any issue at all, he was the biggest avoider in conflict and Mark had mentioned that he was timid when a situation arose, you noted, so you would definitely not bother him. You’d just have to wait it out for now.

No response from Taeyong. Maybe you’d messed that up too.

Days upon days had passed and you still hadn’t gotten a response or any kind of message from anybody. The weeks had passed and you tried your hardest to busy yourself with floor plans for weeks and working with contractors to get your other places set up, but even when busying yourself, your world was falling down. It was disheartening, but you couldn’t help but rethinking about the danger and terrible position you’d put them all in, so you were best to leave it alone until anyone felt ready to talk. You were constantly reminded online that 127 were off to Spain soon, then New York, so you knew everyone was more than busy, but you hoped that maybe you’d get a response before then.

You spent days in your head and after a long-going meeting about final calls, it was getting late, so you decided to head to the main restaurant location and hopefully get your mind off things. It wasn’t the most helpful, but you could only dream, assisting with food prep and listening carefully, catching up with the workers you hadn’t seen in a few days because you were so preoccupied with your own personal issues. You felt like you were letting them all down, but they assured you about how fine it all was. You’d done your job and adequately prepared them all for the journey, so you felt almost useless in the time being. For once you finally had everyone ready to deal without you being on location. It felt wrong. You still had a few store openings to work on, but your mind couldn’t focus in on that at the moment. You had been working at the cutting board for hours thinking, but were pulled from your thoughts in the mindless work.

“Everything okay? I got a call saying someone was here with their head in the cutting board again being awfully quiet.” You heard a familiar voice behind you, one that always made you feel a bit better. You turned around to see Irene with a bright smile, hands placed on her hips. You sighed of relief, smiling at her and dropping your knife on the table to walk over and hug her after tugging your gloves off to hug her. “What’s wrong sweet pea?” She offered, gently patting your back. “You’ve been out of it since your trip.” She was giggling and you felt yourself let go, tears rolling down your face as you tucked your head into her shoulder. She had been annoyed with you before, but she didn’t seem to be upset at all.

“It’s been a hard few weeks, ‘Rene.”

“I could tell, I could.” She consoled you, trying to bring you back down to earth before diving deeper into the real problem. “Just talk to me if you want to, okay? But I know when you willingly cut vegetables in here at night that you’ve got something going on.” You nodded, drying your face on her shirt. You stayed in her embrace for a while before pulling away.

“Your shoulder’s a little wet.” You laughed, wiping your eyes again with your sleeves.

“I’ve been used to that for years.” Irene teased, leaning against the counter and her voice was sincere. She cared about you more than you thought someone should. “Now tell me what’s actually going on.” And that’s when the dam broke.

-

“So that’s what you’ve been up to?” Irene was looking at the table in the empty restaurant and trying to process all the information she just got, eyes somewhere between disbelief and concern. You’d gone off on a tangent and confessed everything to her right there. In your heart you know you shouldn’t bring yet another person into the equation, but you had to go somewhere to get a decent opinion and Irene was the most level-headed person you knew. She was technically responsible for you after all, that’s what you paid her for, and she absolutely deserved a raise at that point. You’d make a mental note of that.

“Yeah.” You nodded, carding your fingers through your hair. “It’s pretty fucked up, isn’t it?” You scoffed, in disbelief that you’d gotten yourself into the situation at hand. You hated that you did that to anyone including yourself.

“I don’t think so.” Irene shook her head, sighing. “I understand why you did it, I really do, but I also see it from his perspective, maybe he just needs some space, you know?” Irene was always right, stirring her coffee and taking a sip. “Who knows, maybe it could all blow over if you really like each other, yeah?” She offered a sweet smile, hoping to get your hopes back up. You nodded in response. “If they’re coming here soon, why not go ahead and try to talk to him? You’ve got a conference in Jersey in a few weeks I could probably move up, and they’re pretty close, so maybe you could get a little leverage?” She shrugged, leaning back in the booth seat.

“Oh my god, shit. I completely forgot about that conference.” You sighed, groaning softly. “You think that’s a good idea? Just show up?”

“It’s the Macy’s Day Parade, it’s not like it’s some private event.” Irene snorted, shrugging. “Let me talk to the investors, I can try to see if they’ll move up to that weekend. I mean, come on, I can go with you.”

“You’d go with me?”

“You’re literally paying me to take care of you.” She snorted again, reminding you yet again that she was the greatest investment you’d made thus far. “Of course, I’ll go with you. Everyone here is fully capable of taking care of the place. You’re not stupid, you did a good job at hiring.” You rolled your eyes, smiling at her aggressive complimenting. “You’ve done your job which is why you find it hard to find something to do when you just show up here.” She snorted gain. “Which is also why your busy work consists of cutting vegetables when you’re upset.”

“I guess I should be less competent then, yeah?” You joked, seeing Irene roll her eyes playfully.

“That’s the opposite of what I’m saying, you workaholic.” She tapped the top of your hand playfully mimicking a smack. “Sometimes it’s good to let other people work for you, so you can go ahead and easily fuck around with people like Mark Lee.” She raised a brow, shaking her head. It was the first time she’d understood the depth of why you weren’t talking to her about what was happening. “Trust me, it’ll all be fine, promise.”

You were finally laughing; glad you had some outlet to let go of what you’ve been holding onto. You felt like you should have gone to her in the first place. Irene was honestly a lifesaver and you thanked her day in and day out for that amongst everything else she’s done for you. “So, I guess you’re going to see them with me?” You smiled awkwardly, knowing partially that it was a bad idea, but making a work trip wasn’t entirely a horrible excuse. Irene couldn’t care less about seeing the boys, she was in it for you to begin with and you were sure that’s how it would remain.

“I’m going for you and the Macy’s Day Parade, don’t get it twisted.” She teased, grinning wide. “I’m an emotional support assistant, not your love life therapist.”

“That’s fair.”

“At least you have a love life now, I’ve been waiting on you to get distracted since the first store opened. You deserved a little break and I don’t want one little hiccup to ruin that for you.” She was right and you knew it. “Now let’s go home and get some rest, alright?”

“But the vegetables!” You sighed, remembering that you’d started a job you wanted to finish. Irene groaned.

“Okay, fine. Let’s go finish the vegetables and you’re going home and drinking a glass of wine and going to sleep right after, okay?”

“Yes, mom.” You snorted, standing up and wiping the table clean before returning to the back, Irene gladly following to assist and make sure you weren’t there until ungodly hours of the night. It was already late, and she knew how you were, so she’d keep an eye on you to make sure you were in good standing and you appreciated it more than you could express. Everyone else had gone home after closing and you only had yourself to worry about.

“So, I got your conference moved up.” Irene offered after a few moments of silence. You hadn’t even seen her send an email. “You can thank me later.” She shrugged. “We’re flying out in two days, so be prepared.” You shook your head, smiling. You’d been prepared for the meeting for months now, filling every hole with explanation and you were more than ready to present, but seeing Mark again made it even more worthwhile.

“God, I love you.” You reminded Irene once again.

“Hm, I know.” She was confident, as she should be.

You got home and did exactly what she told you to do, got a glass of wine, showered, and got into your comfortable clothes to get a decent night’s rest. You were due at the restaurant in the morning to go over some new procedures, so your rest was important and thankfully, you slept like a baby.

You woke up to a missed call and a few texts, groaning at the full notification screen but decided to ignore it until you were coherent enough and had some water and coffee in your system for the day; it could wait. You forgot you had even been waiting on responses from anyone, you weren’t awake enough for that and you had work to tend to.

When you were finally at work, waiting for everyone to show up, you quickly read through your phone and glanced at the messages, one from Mark.

I’m ready to talk, call me when you can.

You also had a missed call and a text from Taeyong. It had been what? A few weeks or so since you texted him? You forgot you had even texted him, getting back into the swing of work had really distracted you from the passing days and you almost forgot what you sent him but were quickly reminded with a heavy beating heart and a deep breath as you looked the messages over.

Hey, I’m so sorry I’ve been so busy, is everything okay? I should have responded by now but I just got so distracted and didn’t know what to say 🥺 I know things went down with you and Mark and I hope you’re okay, I’m here if you need me, I promise. We just got finished up in Spain and we’re about to fly out so if I don’t answer then just hold on!!

Taeyong was always so sweet, making your heart pound heavily and hoping he wasn’t too stressed about the situation, he was always on edge with stress and from what you gathered he had the most overlapping schedules and you hated to add more to it. Taeyong didn’t want to go behind Mark’s back and talk to you about the situation until he had the time to say anything himself, so he went with his gut feeling for not responding immediately but when he was going through his messages after the awards show, he was hit with guilt for not talking back to you and he was sure you were freaking out across the world. He hoped his message would find you well.

You quickly typed up a text to Taeyong

Hey!! Don’t worry about it, I felt bad for dragging you into it anyway. Mark wants to talk to me, and I was just nervous, I didn’t know if you were near him or knew what was going on, but thank you for caring so much, I appreciate it and I hope your flight goes well!💛

Then it was time to text Mark back. It took a minute to draft up the perfect message, but you just said what felt right in the moment.

Hey, I’m really busy with work today, but you can call me when you’re ready and I’ll answer, okay? Take care of yourself and work, that’s what’s important

You thought your message was the right amount of distance, taking a deep breath after responding. You didn’t want to seem to eager and you definitely didn’t want to mention that you were going to see them, it could mess things up, but you also hadn’t factored in him wanting to talk as soon as he was heading back to the states.

Mark didn’t call you back. Taeyong didn’t text. You knew they still had to be on the plane and talking was rare when it came to flights, so you’d focus in on continued prepping for your meeting and getting everyone in the restaurant in check, including your newest manager. It pained you to think about what your job had gone through and your neglect had caused problems, so you were still nervous to take the trip, but you had to believe Irene when she told you that it was going to be fine.

You finished up your meeting and busied yourself with casual preparation as the day went on, getting nagged by Irene on the fact that you didn’t have to do this or that for every little task you put yourself on and you had perfectly capable workers to do it, but you honestly liked helping out and everyone there seemed to enjoy having you around. You loved creating a fun work environment and you kind of missed being a part of the kitchen staff. You sighed after a long day, sitting in your office to relax for a bit. Irene sauntered into the office after finishing up her own paperwork to smile at you.

“So,” She giggled, sitting on your desk. “You ready to go talk to your guy?” She teased.

“Maybe, yeah.” You nodded, grinning. You sighed again, shrugging. You hadn’t heard from anyone yet, but you were being patient. “Does he know you’re coming yet?”

“Nope, I guess I’ll tell him when we’re there.”

Irene snorted. “Of course, I figured you were going to say that.” And as soon as she spoke, you saw your phone vibrating on the desk. You gasped, looking over at Irene, who sent you a knowing look.

“Is that your guy?”

You swallowed, nodding. “Yeah, it is. Um, I-I’m nervous.” You sighed, picking it up and hesitating to answer. Irene quickly reached over to press the green button and grinned widely at you before mouthing a ‘good luck’ at you and then slipping out of the room, back behind her own office door.

You gulped. “H-hello?”

You heard a soft sigh on the phone, accompanied by some scattered voices in the background. “Hey!” Mark exclaimed. “We-we um, just touched down, we’re going through customs now.” He explained, his voice seemed a bit paced over the speaker, you hoped he was okay.

“How was the flight?” You asked quickly, trying to shift the subject to his importance. You hadn’t heard his voice since the big talk, but you’d try not to focus on how nice it was to hear him again.

“It was fine, yeah.” He spoke softer, voice calming down. “How are you?” He asked.

“I’m-I’m okay.” You answered honestly, but you couldn’t help the blush on your face or the heavy beating of your heart. “It’s been a long-ish day.”

“Yeah, same here.” He cleared his throat. He was quiet for a moment, so you assumed he was thinking on what to say. “So, um, I just wanted to apologize.” You were silent, shocked that he was the one apologizing. “I didn’t mean to get so angry with you.” He was speaking quieter, continuing to ramble on because you couldn’t quite find the words to say back. “I was just upset and didn’t know what to do.” You had to admit that you hated doing that kind of thing over the phone, texting was easier and in person was more personal, but if it was the way Mark wanted to have the conversation, you were fine with it.

“No, no trust me, you had every right to feel that way, I know how you-“ He cut you off.

“But listen, that’s not why I called.” Mark sighed again. “I wanted to see if you, um, had the possible time to meet up maybe, so I could get some clarity on how I feel or something. I’ve just been really stressed and, yeah.” He was quieter and you couldn’t stop the smile that spread along your face. “Sorry I haven’t messaged you..”

The last part didn’t really flow through your mind. You almost stopped listening after he said he wanted to meet with you. “Like, in New York?”

“Yeah, yeah, um, I know it’s last minute, but maybe we can meet somewhere before I fly out again, you know?” You sighed again, remembering that he still had other responsibilities, but he was still wanting to meet up. “I just think it could help, you know, whatever this is.” He sounded nervous, but confident in what he needed at the same time. It was a tone you weren’t used to. He knew exactly what he wanted for the first time since you met and that felt good. At least he was sure about it. You understood you hadn’t been together long, but you still cared about him and how he felt about it all, you just wanted him to be happy.

“We may be able to arrange something.” You hinted, smiling. “You’re there for two days?”

“Well, yeah. We sleep tonight and we’re here the next two nights, so I’ll be here.”

It was fortunate that you could easily get tickets had you not bought them beforehand. Maybe the relationship would be able to work out if the two of you stayed looping each other in, it wouldn’t be so hard.

“I’ll let you know, okay?” You sighed happily into the phone.

“Okay, cool, cool.” He laughed softly over the speaker. “I’ll, um, hopefully see you, just let me know.”

“I will, promise.” It was the most basic conversation the two of you had, as if it didn’t involve you flying across the country to see him yet again. You were shocked at how calm he seemed, hopefully he was feeling better about the situation. You sighed of relief.

“Cool, yeah.” Mark cleared his throat again. “I-um, I’ll talk to you later.”

“Okay.” You nodded, sighing and not yet wanting to hang up. It was nice to hear his voice again. You were whipped and you knew it. “Well, um,” You grinned. “Bye, bye.” His giggle over the phone was cute.

“Bye.”

It wasn’t long before you got a text from Taeyong.

It sounds like you guys are going to work it out? 😃

You grinned at the message.

Yeah, I think so 🤞

-

“So, ready to go?” You heard a voice through your apartment, gasping loudly and not at all awake enough to function and hear someone in your house. It was late in the night and you had just woken up from a nap, you booked a 2am flight so you could easily make it for the morning, but you had a feeling you wouldn’t sleep at all on the plane because it was nearly midnight and you had taken a really good nap.

“Jesus, I really should take your house key away.” You groaned from your bedroom, popping your head out to see Irene at the front door, fully dressed and ready to go.

“And stop me from scaring you? I haven’t hardly seen you in weeks, so you have to deal with me for the next few days.” She laughed, walking into your kitchen to grab a glass of water. “God, your house is so clean, who are you?” She laughed, knowing that you’d definitely been keeping it straight for Mark and to busy your head. She knew you all too well.

“Okay, I didn’t sign up to be roasted, let me live.” You snorted, zipping up your suitcase and turning it to the wheels to get ready to leave. You pulled on your oversized coat and stepped into your boots, trying to prepare for the cold weather as you walked your bags down the stairs.

“Oh, okay someone’s looking nice.” She teased further, taking a sip from the glass. “It’s good to see you pulling yourself together, I ought to thank Mark myself.” You rolled your eyes at her, putting your bags at the door before putting your sunglasses on top of your head. “Ready?” You might’ve been dressed up to easily be ready for tomorrow and early check in at the hotel, so you didn’t have to worry about what you’d see Mark in. You needed to be dressed your very best for the situation.

“Ready!” You nodded, smiling at your friend.

You hadn’t talked to Mark much because he was clearly avoiding the full conversation you needed to settle and while you were anxious about it, you didn’t mind avoiding the conflict. You’d talked more to Taeyong, mostly about scheduling and he seemed rather excited to see you, much to your own surprise.. You definitely avoided the groupchats. You were trying your best to distance yourself, give Mark some space to decide what was going to happen between you two. You were an adult; you could handle that.

The flight was shorter than you thought it would be, spending most of your time emailing and scripting for the conference while Irene slept. She had taken an Ambien and absolutely hated plane rides, which shocked you because she was more often than not willing to go somewhere with you. When you finally landed, your adrenaline was high, and you were more than excited to walk around the city and explore. You’d never really spent much time in New York before and Jersey was only a short ride for the conference on Saturday. You were more excited to visit there than you thought you would be, and you hadn’t exactly told Mark you were officially coming yet, you’d leave the surprise up to him. You were there for business with the hope of excitement, so you were sure you couldn’t be too let down.

Thursday night was the official performance and thankfully you landed early enough to make it for the parade, excitedly checking Twitter eagerly to find out what parade float 127 was on. Thankfully your hotel was near the parade route, so you quickly headed out to see where everyone had been lining up. You easily found a good spot near the end of the parade, excitedly waiting to see the boys you’d been waiting to see. You still hadn’t met anyone in the 127 groupchat aside from Taeyong and Mark, so it was even more exciting to meet the other people you’d talked to in person.

You excitedly watched the parade because weirdly enough, you had always wanted to see it. You sighed happily, grinning wide with Irene at your side. She watched intently, noticing how excited you were, and even though you could tell she didn’t understand the hype, her being there with you meant the world. The whole parade was amazing, bright exciting colors all around and you felt like you were in heaven, bright skies felt like the whole world had meaning again and maybe it was just because you were tired, but things felt right. You sighed happily, glancing around the corner to finally see the gigantic Lego float and you gasped loudly.

“Irene! It’s them!” She whipped her head around, enjoying seeing you so happy so she was going to give into your excitements.

“And which one is Mark?” She snorted, grinning when you started jumping around excitedly, screams filling the people around you.

“The little one with the black hair!” You beamed, waving and hoping they saw you. You giggled excitedly, whipping out your phone to snap a picture of them to send to the 127 chat.

You guys look amazing!! congrats! I got a good view of the float and you all look so happy 🥰

You sent the message quickly, stuffing your phone back into your pocket before Irene spoke to you, checking out the float herself in the time being. You didn’t expect the next words to fall out of her mouth. “The tall one with the black hair is actually kind of hot.” She snorted, nodding with pursed lips. “Not bad.” Your eyes widened with slight shock, but you couldn’t exactly blame her for the comment.

“Yeah, that’s Johnny!” You giggled again, waving excitedly. Unfortunately, none of them looked in your direction, but you didn’t mind. You didn’t warn them beforehand so that they could look for you and you hoped you’d meet up with Mark and maybe the others later. Just seeing them made you feel better and the butterflies returned to your stomach at the thought that you were so close to the members you hadn’t seen before. You shook the thoughts away and tried to remember that some of them were your friends. You leaned into Irene’s ear to explain quickly to her. “Okay so Yuta is the one with long dark hair, Taeyong is the grey hair, Jaehyun is the-“

“I’m literally getting none of this.” Irene giggled, patting your back. You laughed in response, shaking your head and realized the explanation was hopeless. “Maybe we’ll meet with them later and it’ll all come to me.” She teased you further, shrugging and a buzz of excitement ran through you. Maybe you’d actually get to meet and see them all, your boyfriend’s friends and long-time idols, you could only hope. You wished more than anything you weren’t so excited to see them all in front of you because of who they were and that’s what got you into the mess with Mark, but you had to remind yourself that they were people and you didn’t know what of the situation they knew. Maybe it was best that they weren’t in the equation.

“Yeah, yeah I hope so.” You nodded, sighing happily as the float went further away from you.

You walked around after the parade ended, excited to see all the other sights and floats. It was a beautiful parade you had to admit, unable to stop the grin on your face. You loved the sight of New York, happy to possibly have a restaurant open near there that you could visit often. Even on your off moments, you liked thinking about new work opportunities because it would better help you plan your future. It felt like things were finally falling into place and you were excited about that. You hadn’t checked your phone in a while, so you pulled it out and gasped at the excited responses in the groupchat.

You’re here!! I didn’t think you’d come!! We should all go to dinner or something! Mark’s paying

Nevermind every man for himself Mark punched me

From Johnny. He always managed to make you laugh.

Oh gosh are we finally going to get to meet you?!

From Jaehyun

Glad you could make it ☺️

From Taeyong, who knew better than anybody that you’d probably show up. Taeyong could tell your potential and whimsical decision making from the second you became friends. Maybe it was for the better that you two were getting close.

And finally, from Yuta, a self-proclaimed self-enthusiast.

wow I really was living my best life huh? Look at my face😂😂 Hope you enjoyed the parade!

You definitely did enjoy the parade and were more than happy to see them as excited as you were. The boys seemed like children who were in a candy store on the float, so you knew they were having the times of their lives and loved being there. You hadn’t seen them so happy in a while and they all definitely didn’t look that excited in Spain except for when they were with Lizzo, so it was a good time for everyone. You loved seeing them so happy. You hadn’t received a text from Mark in the groupchat, but you missed a text in your personal ones, heart racing when you saw his name.

You came? Why didn’t you tell me! Did you want to meet up tonight?

You gulped, biting your lip and showing the text to Irene. “I want nothing to do with your love life.” She snorted, shaking her head and turning her attention to the street food she’d just gotten. It was a mess on a plate, but she seemed to thoroughly be enjoying it. “But go ahead, you’ve still got a whole day to screw around before we go to Jersey, nothing’s off limits.” She shrugged. “But I will be in the hotel sleeping in a few hours after the performance because I’m exhausted, so don’t get killed.” She teased further, smiling over at you with a mouth full of food.

“You think I should meet up with him?” You asked nervously, biting your lip and wondering how to respond to his text. He still had the performance that night, so you knew it would be late when you’d meet with him.

“I don’t see why not.” She shrugged, offering you a bite which you politely declined. You quickly typed up a text.

Well I actually ended up getting an investment meeting and I didn’t want to jinx anything, so yeah, I’m here if you wanna go for coffee tonight or something?

You didn’t want to seem too excited, but your brain was buzzing, too hopeful for meeting with the boy who had your heart wrapped around his finger. Mark quickly responded.

I’d like that, yeah!

We have the performance later and we’re about to start getting ready for it, so I’ll text you when I’m free?💚

You sighed happily, things were looking up. He seemed just as excited to meet up with you as well. It was a few weeks since you got into your argument and not long before that was the last time you’d seen him, so you feared slightly that things would still be awkward or messy, but you didn’t want to focus on that and thought that things might actually be okay. The fear still sat in the back of your mind, but you’d try your hardest to ignore it. Thankfully you were able to go drop by the hotel after walking around for a bit, maybe you did need just a little bit of a rest before the performance.

You got to the hotel and got settled in, changing your clothes to be a little warmer and layered and of course not at all to look nice for Mark. You checked yourself out in the mirror, grinning at the outfit you decided on. “How do I look?” You asked Irene, who was already chugging down a glass of wine from the minibar at the hotel.

“Looking good, yeah. Someone to impress?” She was teasing yet again, giggling and pouring herself another glass of wine.

“Shut up.” You laughed, grinning and pulling your coat on. “Are you coming to the performance with me?” you asked with a giggle.

“I’m pregaming for a reason aren’t I?” She cocked a brow, shrugging. You rolled your eyes. Irene didn’t drink much, but she had made sacrifices for you so you didn’t mind her drinking on the job.

“You’re always pregaming.” You snorted, slipping your feet into a nice pair of shoes. “Are you warm enough?”

“After this wine hits, I will be.” Irene grinned, walking over to grab her coat. She looked flawless as always and it made you sick, wearing a black turtleneck and khaki pants. She fixed her lipstick quickly in the mirror and pulled her coat on to easily go out. “Now let’s go get your boy back.” You groaned, cheeks heating up and grabbing your phone to make your way out of the door.

The concert stage was packed, as you expected, but shockingly to your surprise, when you got there, security walked the two of you to the front, not asking any further questions. It left you to assume that one of the boys had hooked the two of you up. You’d shown Irene to Mark and the others through various selfies, so you weren’t going to bite the hand that fed you just to get a better look at the boys on stage.

The performance went perfectly, grinning and watching them put on their best performance. You sighed happily, loving the feel in the air. The wind was chilly, but you were fully willing to endure it just for them. You caught all the boys from the 127 chat you were in glancing at you at least once and it made your heart race, but you were in perfect view and you were sure they were looking for you in the first place. That was even more exciting. The crowd dissipated after the small performance, leaving you and Irene to walk around aimlessly while you waited on Mark. Irene was getting a little grumpy, assuming the wine drunkeness had worn off and factoring in that you had flown through the night. “I’m ready to sleep my ass off.” She warned, groaning at the cold.

“You can go ahead to the hotel if you want.” You warned her, making sure she knew you could fend for yourself.

“And leave you here in the middle of New York?” Irene snorted. “You sign my paychecks so I’m definitely going to make sure you’re safe so that I get paid.” She was further teasing. She had a funny way of letting you know she cared about you. You walked around for about an hour and Irene happened upon a spiked hot chocolate from a street cart before you got a text from Mark

Where did you want to meet up? There’s a little coffee shop a couple blocks from our hotel that’s open late if you wanna go there?

the streets should be pretty clear by then because it’s dead cold out ya know🥴

You grinned ridiculously wide, quickly telling Irene what you’d been sent. “We’re gonna go meet at a coffee shop, you wanna walk me there?”

“Absolutely not, but I definitely will.” Irene laughed, tucking her phone and keys into her pocket along with her hands. “Let’s go.” You got the location from Mark, beginning to make your way there because you weren’t too far from it. You both ended up getting a taxi after two blocks at your expense to make up for Irene being in the cold for so long. You didn’t want to make her walk, but the ride wasn’t far, and you happily did it for her comfort after hearing her shiver and complain. You got to the location and you were surprised to see how empty it was, the two of you getting out and standing at the corner. You quickly pulled out a cigarette from your pocket and lit it up, earning a groan from Irene. She hated it, but she knew that wasn’t going to stop you.

You were shaking from nerves, but you were excited to see where the interaction was going to lead you. You and Irene were talking about some work developments when you heard a loud “Hellooooo” from behind you. You turned around, gasping when you saw Mark and Johnny both in masks and hats. You quickly took a drag of your half smoked cigarette and tossed it on the ground when you saw Mark eye it.

You had to admit you were a bit starstruck to see Johnny. He was huge, massive even and you glanced at Irene to see a cocked eyebrow on her face, clearly checking out the tall boy. You pulled yourself from your distraction, grinning at Mark who had his hands stuffed into his pockets.

“Hey.” Mark started, his eyes showing his smile above the mask. You got closer, the two of you embracing like your lives depended on it. You sighed softly, almost feeling tears well in your eyes as you held him tighter, never wanting to let go. His arms were around your waist, gently thumbing over your back through your coat. “it’s good to see you.” His voice was barely above a whisper, right by your ear. “You smell like cigarettes.” He giggled into your neck.

“Shut up, I’m sorry.” You laughed. “It’s good to see you too.” You spoke quietly, still in his embrace and you somehow pulled him tighter, eyes closing and it felt like an eternity. “Um, this is Irene.” You your head toward her and felt Mark lift his hand from your waist to give her a wave.

“You must be Mark.” She stated, shrugging her shoulders. “Heard a lot about you in the last two days.” Mark didn’t seem to mind or catch on that you’d told someone else about him, just thankful that you were with him.

“Um, so, I’m Johnny.” You heard loudly behind you, a laugh being pulled from both you and Mark as you let go of each other. Johnny was introducing himself to Irene, shaking her hand and the grin on her face looked unbelievably pleased. You shook your head, giggling at her before turning to Johnny yourself. He opened his arms wide to hug you, quickly running to his embrace. It was only a quick hug, him patting your back in a friendly manner before pulling away. “Nice to finally meet you!” He exclaimed; grin wide on his face under his mask as well. You turned back to Mark, who quickly grabbed your hand to tangle his fingers with yours.

“Johnny’s a hugger.” He warned with a small laugh. “He’s been practicing all day how to greet you.” Mark said with a hint of sarcasm and you saw Johnny’s face contort to glare at him.

“And Mark exaggerates everything.” Johnny came back confidently.

“So, we should go.” Irene shot her attention to Johnny, seeing him shrug with a nod at her statement before turning back to you. “Leave you two be, yeah?”

“I’m game.” Johnny agreed quickly with a shrug. You were a bit stunned to see Irene being so forward. “Did you need a ride to your hotel? I’ve got an Uber on the way and I’d hate for you to walk alone.” You were also stunned that Johnny was seeming to take to Irene that quickly from what you knew about him. You didn’t miss the flirtatious energy he had with the charm in his tone.

“We’ll see you two later.” Irene nodded, following behind Johnny. You had a weird feeling that the two of them would end up more than just going home even though Irene claimed to be so tired, but it wasn’t your business and they were adults, so you would leave it alone and let them do whatever they set out to do.

You heard Mark clear his throat. “So, uh.” You heard him laugh softly. “You wanna go inside or freeze to death?” He teased.

“I’d like to not freeze to death, please.” You both grinned, hand in hand as you both walked inside. You saw Mark look around, making sure that nobody in there was paying any attention to him. He had to make sure he was in extremely good standing when it came to being out in public in such a big city, especially this soon after a concert. He looked relieved, pulling you to a dimly lit corner of the shop. You both sat down with a sigh, seeing a much older waiter come to the table to greet the two of you. You both glanced over your menus and the silence was comforting. You both put in your orders before Mark slid his mask below his face after feeling comfortable enough. He looked so beautiful without makeup on like that, so relaxed, the soft shadow of his facial hair made your face warm.

“So, you finally got to meet Johnny.” He teased, seeing you roll your eyes and grinning wider at him. “How was that?”

“Yeah, it was great, we’re best friends now.” You joked, hearing Mark let out a hearty laugh. “I’ve heard ten words and he’s the greatest.” You both snorted.

“Good to know, good to know yeah.” He was giggling more, and you felt like your heart could burst. “So, um, how is everything?” he asked shyly, his hands placed gently in his lap.

“Well,” You shrugged. “Things are okay,” You cleared your throat again. “A lot is going on with work and I’m about to open a new store hopefully next year here if the meeting tomorrow goes well.”

“Ah, yeah, yeah, the meeting!” Mark nodded. “So, you came here for that?” He was asking with intent and it felt nice for him to be interested in you again like that again. It felt comfortable. “I was actually really shocked when you sent that picture, I couldn’t believe it and when I saw you in the audience I got really excited. I almost thought you were fucking with me and grabbed a picture off the internet or something.” He was blushing, a wide toothy grin on his face. “Johnny apparently told the security to let you and anyone you were with to the front, not my doing.” He snorted with a shrug.

“Ah, so Johnny is the master relationship specialist now isn’t he?” Mark couldn’t stifle his laugh when he took a sip of his coffee.

“Uh, yeah, I guess you could say that.” He snorted again, grinning. “He’s like the number one pusher when someone says they’re going to date so, it’s like, his thing.” He admitted with a shrug. “When I first told him about you his first reaction was like ‘An American? You have to do it, it’s the law if you’re my friend’ and got way too excited. He’s always trying to hook anyone up but never really finds someone for himself.” You thought back to him and Irene’s reaction to each other and stifled a snort.

“I mean, he’s taking my assistant home.”

“Yeah, I kinda caught that.” He was laughing again. It was nice to see him happy here, he always seemed excited when he was in the states anyway, so you were glad he enjoyed spending time with you too.

“Don’t worry, she’s the best.” You warned. “He’s in safe hands. She keeps me every day from making horrible life decisions.” Mark looked a bit confused at that but waived it off. “Some of them at least.”

“Well, that’s good yeah.” He cleared his throat, calling for the check. “So, you wanna get out of here?” His voice was slightly low, and you didn’t know what was up, but at that point you were willing to do anything for Mark. You’d only been there for a short time and only ordered coffee, so you were both fine with leaving so soon.

“Sure, let’s go.” You nodded, groaning a bit when Mark handed his credit card to the waiter to pay for the both of you. You learned quickly that it was just how he rolled, it didn’t matter if you could easily pay for yourself or not, he was definitely a sweetheart and liked treating you. The two of you strolled out back onto the sidewalk after he put his mask back on.

Mark was walking closely with you, not holding your hand or arm because he was still afraid of being caught in public and getting his reputation ruined. You’d both been so lucky to not get caught especially since the two of you were always in bigger cities where a disaster could easily strike. The small chatter of the light conversation had you feeling like things were definitely going to be okay and Mark seemed pleased, talking to you about the weather and how he thought he’d get sick soon if he kept having to change climates. You wished him the best and recommended vitamins that he just brushed off with a laugh. “Yeah, I’m hearing you I just know I’m not going to do it.” You both were giggling at that point and you both didn’t even know where you were going, just aimlessly walking along the street, coming on a dimly lit part of town. You both sighed, glancing at each other with soft grins. Nobody was in sight and he just looked so perfect. You stopped in your tracks which caused him to pause in place. “What’s up?” He asked, eyes full of wonder.

“Nothing.” You shrugged, sighing. You scooted closer, seeing Mark’s Adams apple bob in his throat. You reached up and gently pulled his mask down, biting your lip before leaning in and pressed your lips to his tenderly, your bottom lip slipping between his soft ones. For a moment, you forgot about your problems. A low noise left his throat and he eagerly kissed you back, his hands fumbling to come out of his pockets to reach one up and place it on the side of your face, pulling you in closer as his breath dusted your skin. His breathing was hitching, his other hand gently tangling in your hair and his lips got more aggressive, sweet noises being pulled from him. You were the first to break, eyes fluttering back open and glancing at him before he kissed you again, this time much more pressure and neediness before breaking off quickly.

“Your hotel or mine?” He spoke breathlessly.

“Find out where Johnny and Irene are.” You grinned, pecking him once more and he quickly whipped out his phone. You didn’t miss the bright blush on his face before he pulled his mask back up as he texted his friend. There was almost no time before Johnny responded back that he and Irene went ahead to a karaoke bar to meet up with Jungwoo and Jaehyun. You had no idea how or when everything had gotten so crazy, but all you heard out of that was that your hotel room was empty, and you wanted Mark as soon as possible. “My place is open, then.” You grabbed his arm and pulled up your directions, quickly calling for an Uber to bring you because somehow the two of you had ended up extremely far away in the cold and gotten caught up in the conversations.

When you both stepped into the Uber, Mark’s hands were on your thighs and you had to bite back the urge to have him right then and there because not only would it be uncomfortable, it was rude, and you liked your private time with Mark. You placed your hand on top of his and you saw the grin reach his eyes as he stared out of the window, sitting much too close to you in an empty back seat. The minute you pulled up at the hotel, Mark groaned and let out a quick, “Thank god.” You laughed in response, tugging him by the hand into the building and easily making your way into the elevator. The second you were inside with the doors closed, Mark couldn’t keep his hands off of you, harshly kissing your lips in the empty elevator with both hands on your face and your back pressed flush against the wall.

Mark wasn’t ever so needy, and you definitely didn’t mind. You detached and pulled him immediately to the hotel door, giggles pulling from his lips as you made your way inside, the two of you tossing your coats on the floor and went straight back to making out. His tongue easily found entrance to your mouth, moaning at the heat of the moment. It felt so good to kiss Mark, both letting out heavy breaths and as he pushed himself closer to you, you could feel his arousal pressed against your hip, the heat in your core throbbing. This was the least talkative you’d both been in the bedroom, but words didn’t seem necessary. You backed him over to the bed, laying him down and you loved how flushed he looked, like he was all yours as you sat in his lap, barely hovering his small frame. Mark groaned, hands finding your hips and you reached down to him, tossing his hat and mask off the bed.

“Damn, I could get used to this.” He giggled again with a dopey smile and his disheveled hair spoke volumes. You rolled your eyes, smiling before kissing him hard again, his hands reaching down to gently grope your ass, soft hands kneading over your bottoms and you couldn’t help but to giggle into his mouth. It was suddenly very warm in the room, much too warm for all the layers you both had on and you pulled away from him, panting and out of breath. Mark looked so beautiful and flushed that you could moan, sighing and pulling off the top layer of your shirt before working his off as well, leaving him in a white button up that was much too wrinkled. He looked so soft in white, you had to remind him of that later. You tossed your top away, the underlayer riding up and Mark slipped his hands up the fabric, groaning at the fact that you’d neglected to wear anything but shirts. His hand found your breast, kneading at the flesh as you gasped, grinding your hips down on his.

“Mark,” You sighed, eyes fluttering shut. “I missed you.”

“I missed you too.” He groaned as you leaned closer, slipping his other hand under your shirt and toying with a nipple, the two of you much too flustered to make any other commentary. He lifted his knee up to lean you back down, kissing harshly again and your hands worked their way down Mark’s shirt buttons, feeling his muscles tense under you along with his breaths. His hips moved up to get any kind of friction and you loved how much he wanted it. You didn’t question him, easily opening his shirt before going to his jeans, unbuttoning and unzipping them slowly to tease him, his breathing got heavier with every move.

You moved your hips back a bit, settling more on his lap before slipping your hand into his boxers. He gasped at the coldness of your fingers, but he didn’t complain. Your hands were still cold from outside, but it seemed more like an exciting difference. Your fingertips danced along his length, feeling him bite at your lip sending you out of this world. “Want you, now.” He panted against your lips and you weren’t one to deny him. You quickly slipped back between his legs to tug your pants off as you let his arms fall back to his sides, but Mark couldn’t wait.

His hands were on you again, quickly tugging at the fabric and pulling them off of your legs with a fire in him you hadn’t seen before. He tossed them on the floor before hovering over you again. He tugged your underwear to the side and pulled his length out of his jeans. You sighed heavily as he pumped at himself a few times, eyes hooded. You caught his eyes, the two of your faces a complete mess. “Fuck,” You panted, earning a breathy laugh from him before pushing him back down on the bed to take slight control again. You sat with your clothed folds along his length, rubbing yourself with closed eyes and you felt him grasping at the bed sheets, panting at the feeling. “Condom?” You questioned, hearing him gulp and try to fish one out of his shirt pocket.

You giggled a bit at his anticipation, but you weren’t going to comment and embarrass him further. His face was already so red and spent when he handed the packet to you, a smirk playing on your face as you tore the foil open with your teeth. His hands were searching your body, slipping underneath you to lift your hips up. His fingers snuck under the fabric of your underwear and played in your arousal and you swear you heard him moan. You were a bit distracted as you fumbled with the rubber, his fingers dancing along your clit before slipping two inside, quickly quirking them forward toward himself and you hushed a moan, panting heavily as you tried to slip the condom on him, a mess of hands and sweat making you both see fog. You rocked down onto his fingers, wrapping your own around his length and jerking him off slowly, a sigh of relief leaving his lips.

His arousal was so evident with the redness of his cock and you were nearly dying to have it inside you. He slipped his fingers out of you when he couldn’t take it anymore, moving them to his own lips and you gasped when you saw him slip them inside of his mouth. You were quiet, just ready to have Mark again. You lifted your hips and watched him suck his fingers clean, lining him up with your entrance and the crotch of your underwear pushed to the side. The two of you hadn’t been so hasty or fumbling before, but it seemed oddly fitting.

You sunk down on him quickly, pulling a throaty groan from the boy underneath you, his head tipped back in ecstasy. You let out a noise of satisfaction, happy to finally have him inside again, enjoying it for a minute before he got eager, his hips moving himself inside of you just barely. “C-can’t take it anymore, need to feel you.” He panted out, his lips swollen and pouty as you grinned, rocking yourself down on him. You barely registered his warm hands on your sides again until he pulled you down, your clit grinding against his pelvic bone and you saw stars, whining a bit as you pushed your hips down against him again, the friction driving him wild and he was whining.

You didn’t expect those noises from him, but you couldn’t say you didn’t like it. He was panting more and more, and you were chasing your high, loving the way Mark filled you, sweet noises filling the hotel room and the wet sounds of skin on skin made your head spin. Mark’s breathing was heavier than you ever heard it before, and he was gasping. “Gonna-gonna come.” You were a little surprised, usually his stamina was good, but this time something was different. You heard him gasp loudly one last time, his eyes screwing shut and you felt him shake lightly underneath you. You stilled your hips, giggling at how out of it he was, and you let him ride it out, gently moving your hips until he couldn’t take it anymore. “Sit-sit on my face, please.” He pleaded with droopy eyes and you weren’t going to deny him.

You were hesitant at first, crawling over and hovering over his face, He pulled the crotch of your underwear and ripped slightly, then with full force tore the fabric open then all the way up and tossed it off to the floor, smirking below you and you gasped.

“Did you just-“

“Yep.” He cut you off with a grin, pulling you down by your thighs and pressed his tongue against you.

“Oh fuck.” You whined, feeling your knees get weak as he lapped at you, moaning as he sucked softly at your clit. You were lost for a bit, trying to bring yourself back down to earth when you heard your phone ring, gasping again when he slipped his tongue inside before pausing. He pulled away for just a moment.

“Answer it.” He smirked again before pulling you back down.

“It’s Johnny!” You whined, grinding down back onto his tongue. He shrugged underneath you and you hesitated, deciding to let it go to voicemail and Mark had the audacity to laugh. You quickly picked up your phone with shaky hands just to barely read a text message from the aforementioned person.

Since neither of you two are answering, I just wanted you to know I’m taking your friend back to our hotel, she’s tired and a bit plastered so I’m gonna let her crash there. Have fun you two 😂

It felt like a taunting message, waving it off and tossing your phone back somewhere else on the bed. You didn’t exactly care what Irene was doing at the moment, but she seemed safe with Johnny, so you ignored it. You sighed of relief when Mark nudged his nose against your clit, looking down to see his extremely hooded eyes and you could have burst right there. You moaned loudly, reaching down to gently grab his hair and the noise he made vibrated through you, his tongue flat against your clit and it threw you over the edge, pressing yourself hard into his face and the grip on your thighs tightened, his fingertips almost aching as they pressed into your skin. He continued to lazily lick through your high, pulling away to place soft kisses on your thighs when he figured you’d had enough, bright red blush still evident on his face. You glanced back to see he had discarded the condom and there was spurts of come glistening on his stomach, you flushed again, realizing he’d come from eating you out. Mark was going to be the death of you. You crawled off of his face, collapsing on the bed next to him, both of you panting.

“That was-“ He started.

“Yeah.” You both ended up laughing, Mark tossing his arm over his face in embarrassment. “I don’t think I’ve ever come that hard.” He let out a heavy breath.

“Please, say less.” You snorted, cuddling up to his side and realizing exactly how disgusting and intense the situation was, but you felt so satisfied it didn’t matter. You took an idea, smirking before reaching down to touch his stomach, dancing and teasing your fingertips in his come.

“D-don’t.” He groaned when you looked down to see his half-hard cock slightly twitch. “Give-give me a minute.” He pleaded. So you did, but it wasn’t going to be over just yet, you both knew that.

-

“The breakfast here is nice.” Mark was smiling shyly, sitting in the corner cafe with you. The place was relatively empty and you liked that Mark had to find places to easily hide from photographers, it gave you a bit more space from people in general, but the quietness of Mark was also a bit weird. He was smiling, but much more shy than before, but you assumed it was because of the situation you were in and he was a bit uncomfortable during the day anyway in a normal situation.

“Yeah, I love breakfast food.” You shrugged, taking a bite of your own food, enjoying the silence. You both were a bit sad because you were going to part ways that day, which seemed like another reason that Mark was being distant. You weren’t used to seeing him for only a minute and it felt weird to have only went on a date and slept with each other, so you sighed, seeing Mark pick at his food and eat in small bites. You frowned. “So, you guys heading out later?”

Mark nodded, shrugging before looking up at you. “Yeah, we’re headed back home after this, so.” He had a sad smile, looking up to catch your eyes. “I’m-um, sorry we didn’t get to hang out more.” He added shyly.

“No, no it’s fine, I’m just glad I got to see you.” Mark was smiling with his mouth full and it made you feel better. He was fidgety in his chair, probably from nerves.

“Yeah, I really am glad I got to see you too.” He nodded, sighing softly before taking a drink from his glass. “And Johnny and your friend seem to still be having a good time, they got breakfast this morning.” He snorted, wiping his mouth. “Everyone seems pretty happy.” He sighed again.

“You seem nervous.” You pointed out finally, settling your hands in your own lap.

“Yeah, I don’t really feel like leaving yet, it’s always a bummer when we go home.” You frowned, remembered how much happier he was in North America but it was interesting to hear him admit he didn’t want to go home at all. You felt bad that he had to leave, and you wished he could stay. Mark needed to be back at his hotel in an hour or so, so it was nice that he was spending his last bit of time with you. He said himself that he would’ve just been sitting in his room all night long probably, so the fun you guys had was at least worth it. “I hate coming here for like two days.” He frowned. You sighed and reached over the table to gently squeeze his hand. His smile was soft, but it was worth it. You both finished up your food and sheepishly made your way outside to head your way to his hotel.

When you pulled up, the taxi stopped at the corner and Mark looked at you with the softest eyes you’d ever seen. He sighed and squeezed your knee gently before wrapping your arms around you, hugging you tightly and relaxing into your neck. You both pulled away after a heartfelt embrace, frowning at the fact that you had to separate once again. “Text me?” You asked softly and got a warm nod before he pulled back to lean in for a kiss, his soft lips making your face feel hot. It was a tender kiss, one that longed for something more ,but you knew it was time. “I’ll see you later.” You got a grin back.

“Yeah, I’ll, um, see you soon, okay?” He giggled softly, opening the door and sighing as he stepped out, waving back at you as he made his way back into his hotel in the clothes he was still wearing the day before. You didn’t mind seeing him like that though, it reminded you that the two of you had your time together.

You saw Irene saunter out of the hotel, a grin plastered on her face and sunglasses covering her eyes. You shook your head in disbelief, snorting when she stumbled into the car, a cup of hotel coffee in her hands.

“So, it looks like your night was nice.” You teased, raising a brow at her.

“God, you don’t even know.” Irene was laughing. “My makeup is so messed up and yet I woke up to a gorgeous man making me hotel coffee in boxers and a white t-shirt and I still didn’t get his number.” She groaned, smile still painted on. “I literally never do anything like that, and I know you’re my boss but you have no room to judge me.” She shrugged again.

“Well, I’m not going to judge you, but I also have to mention that I do have that guy’s number.” You saw her mouth agape.

“Holy shit give it to me.” She was serious and you almost had to laugh. “He meant to last night, but we got, um, distracted.” She cleared her throat.

“Johnny right?” You giggled as you joked, scrolling through your contacts as the taxi made its way back to your hotel. “Yeah, it’s right here.” You showed your phone to her, seeing her excitedly type it into her own phone. “You’re not gonna like, text him right now are you?” You snorted, taking your phone back after she added it to her phone.

“Oh of course not, I’m going to wait it out and see if he asks you for mine, then I’ll have it for when he decides to hit me up.” She was always very forward, shrugging. It was actually extremely funny, but you wouldn’t push her forward. “But I also got hardly any sleep last night, so I want to take a nap before we head to Jersey.” You had actually forgotten that you were supposed to head out that night, but you figured it definitely was a good idea to go there tonight before the morning conference.

“Shit, I’ve still got to make prints.” You groaned.

“We’ll stop by a print shop on the way.” She was always thinking ahead, you were thankful, but you could definitely tell she needed some sleep and it wouldn’t hurt for you to get a nap in. You and Mark had practically been up all night anyway because of jet lag and other things, but you’d shut your mouth on that one. Irene was yawning, so you figured it was best to keep quiet.

You both took an equally satisfying nap, only a few hours passing by. Thankfully when you got up you were both easily ready to go, showering quickly and making your way out and wait for your Uber. You both decided it was the best and easiest way to get to Newark and it wasn’t at all long of a drive. Your mood was slightly down, still thinking about Mark and quickly realizing the two of you hadn’t actually talked about any of your issues. It left a sore spot in your heart and the rest of the ride felt a little weird. You stopped to make prints on the way and didn’t miss the stupid grin across Irene’s face.

“What’s up with you?” You asked, trying to ignore the feelings in your own chest.

“Johnny’s really cool.” She shrugged, sighing happily as she scrolled through her own phone. “I ended up texting him and he said thank god I got his number and you know I don’t normally do that.” She snorted. “Maybe we can both have some fun. How was Mark, dare I ask?”

You sighed heavily, a slight smile playing on your lips. “He was great, we, uh, didn’t talk really, so I’m kind of bummed, but I think it’ll be fine.” Irene frowned a bit, sighing.

“I mean maybe he got over it?” She offered help, but it didn’t really seem accurate. “Maybe he realized it doesn’t matter and you guys are going to be fine.” She nodded, giving you a wide smile before turning her attention back to her phone. “Johnny says they’re about to head out.” Her giggle made your eyes almost roll. You hadn’t heard from Mark at all, which made you worried, but you weren’t going to pry.

“Okay get this, he’s got a weird really bad tattoo on his ass that says I heart Chicago.” Irene was snorting and you felt your chest get tighter, trying your best to smile at her and act like it was all fine. “He’s really weird and I know it’s quick but I kinda like him, he’s cool.”

“I get it, I get it.” You snorted, almost trying to change the subject. You whipped out your phone to see no new messages. You sighed again. “So,they’re-“ You cleared your throat. “Theyre about to board?” You asked, biting your lip and knowing you shouldn’t ask questions.

“Yeah, John said he’s got on-flight wifi so we’re gonna play some dumb game tonight.” Irene reminded you, just making you even a little more upset. If Mark had on-flight wifi then why couldn’t he text you on the plane too? Or even before? Your head was swimming in thoughts and wondering what was going on, so you decided to send him a single text.

Fly safe!

He wouldn’t know that you meant it condescendingly, but you were just looking for a response at all. The only thing you really got from them at all was group messages, unfortunately from everyone but Mark. Even Jaehyun, who was the least active member of the groupchat, was being active, You didn’t understand why Mark wasn’t talking, but you began to feel like you were overthinking. You felt like banging your head against a wall, waiting for your prints to hurry up. The car was waiting outside and as soon as the last one printed, you tried to rush a laughing Irene out to it, but she wanted to review and invoice everything, so she was lagging. You needed some fresh air, standing outside. You lit up a cigarette, trying to relax. You were mad at yourself because you’d been really trying to lay off smoking, but when you weren’t around Mark and your anxiety was high, you needed it. You read over the messages you missed a couple times, they were mostly talking about how crazy America always was, but all you wished is that Mark’s name would pop up on your phone.

You were halfway down the cigarette when your phone buzzed, glancing down to see a simple, effortless text from Mark.

Thanks! I’ll let you know when we land

You felt like crying, but you needed to be strong. You never did get that text, still only getting responses in the groupchat and you knew Mark had to be fine because the rest of them were acting normal, but it pained you since he wasn’t very forward with his feelings. Taeyong hadn’t even messaged you so maybe Mark was fine, and that hurt more than anything. Maybe he was fine and perfectly content without you and you just had to hope that it was just your mind making that up.

The meeting went perfectly, thankfully. The city was clean and the two of you had a wonderful time walking around and discussing the proper real estate investments. You’d wanted to open a new location on the east coast for a while, but never took the steps to get it done and now the keys were almost literally in your hand. There was tons of work to do, but you knew you could get it done. Irene would be on campus there for the first 6 months after the building details were worked out and things seemed to be going well.

Except the fact that in your heart, nothing felt right. At the point when you got home, you still hadn’t heard from Mark or anyone else, but a gut feeling made you not want to ask. You were worried and only had small talk about Johnny with Irene and you hated the amount of jealousy you were feeling from not getting your own interest to talk to you. You were normally tough, you were normally the one to ghost people due to distractions, but you’d just seen Mark a few days ago and he was in your bed all night, so why hadn’t he messaged you aside from that one message? He was normally blowing up your phone prior to the entire incident with him finding out. Why wasn’t he worried about talking to you anymore? He seemed to really be getting along with you in the hotel room.

It made you sick to think about, how easily you two slept together after a big conversation and part of you felt a little used, slightly heartbroken and unresolved because it was so obvious that everything was falling apart, and you stayed hopeful when you shouldn’t have. You had a whole new store opening up and you should’ve been focused on work, but all you could think about was the fact that you were only getting one or two pathetic messages from him a day until they became days apart, only rarely getting a half-assed response from the group chats when he didn’t respond to you.

You missed Mark.

You felt sick. Things got harder, they did, and after about a month of suffering, you stopped responding all together, just hoping Mark would pick back up in talking to you on his own when the time got right, but you felt a bit hopeless and you were right. Mark was no longer making an effort and it had been about three weeks of smoking heavily and not talking to him at all. Your chest hurt when you saw him on your social media timelines. Your love for them felt so different and you almost felt sick each time you saw his smile. You heard about their new song coming out and you realized just how long it had been since you’d seen him. Time passed by so quickly and it was two days shy of two months and you tried not to cry, but you missed how things were and part of you knew this would happen, you just didn’t expect to take it so hard especially for so long.

You’d flown out east on location multiple times because due to how the meeting went, investors were pushing for opening sooner and you’d been successful at every single opening yet with immaculate concentration and precision. You felt nice to have the distraction of worrying about work, but each time you stepped into the crisp New York air, you were pelted with remembrance of your night with Mark and wondered what went wrong after you left him. Things looked perfect from the outside when you were there, but you wished you could’ve changed how it went. Maybe you did something wrong along the way that you weren’t picking up because Mark had been all over you and he was the one who pushed sleeping together, so you were left dumbfounded and trying to remember that the new location was important and you needed to ignore your feelings about the hurt in your heart from the last place you saw the person you called your boyfriend. You didn’t know where you stood anymore.

You hated that you got so wrapped up in the idea of Mark that you ended up ruining it all by fearing you’d ruin it. You were aching for him to call you, talk to you, anything because he still would be so close to you all year with promotions. Hell, you’d seen the SM Entertainment schedule for the whole year of 2020, and he’d be there in the states constantly especially with a new Neo City tour that stopped immediately in Los Angeles in June. Before you knew it, February had come up and you wished you could stop thinking about the fact that Mark would be in your state with SuperM in only a few days. You tried your hardest not to be hopeful, but you couldn’t help yourself.

You’d been staring at the StubHub app for 30 minutes now and SuperM tickets were going lower and lower by the day and they looked so pleasing, to maybe see him again and talk, maybe catch up, meet up, anything. You went over it a few times in your head and after a long day of work and a glass or so of wine, you made the horrible decision of buying tickets.

You swallowed after you pressed pay, leaning back in your bed and thinking about what you’d done, but it felt like the right choice. They were going to be there within the next two days and you had to chance it. Maybe you’d get your answer. You bought two tickets because the closest spot available only had two seats, so you sucked it up and decided to go for it. You didn’t even think about who could possibly accompany you until you gasped at realization. You opened your phone again to quickly call Irene, who was supposed to be at home by now.

She answered after the first ring.

“Hello sweetheart!” You hadn’t seen Irene much over the last couple weeks, the two of you busy with store arrangements and whatnot. She’d been interviewing for the new hires in Jersey as soon as the new year started, the two of you rarely crossing paths between flights, and she’d gotten back last week, so hearing her voice felt nice.

“Irene!” You had to take a breath.

“What’s the situation?” She snorted and you could hear her flipping through her keys in the background. “I’m just getting home so it better be good.” She was teasing, but you had to calm down before speaking to her properly.

“I just bought tickets to the SuperM San Diego show and I wanted to know if you wanted to come with me.” You spoke much faster than anticipated but you heard a small pause over the speaker. “They’re performing there, and I want to see Mark but I think it was a bad choice because I’m freaking out. Help me, please.”

“I think I can do it.” She was giggling and you knew it was a good sign. “What day is it?”

“The 30th of January.” You groaned, realizing that it was only two days away and you’d have to travel there from Los Angeles, which wasn’t ideal, but it wasn’t an extremely far ride either. You heard silence again before a sigh.

“You’re literally insane.” She snorted. “Yeah, I’m in.”

“God you’re a lifesaver.” You laughed, almost on the verge of tears. You wanted to see Mark, you had to. It felt like the only appropriate way to do it and your mind was still really fuzzy from missing him, but at least you had someone to indulge with you. She knew the two of you hadn’t spoken and the tension was touchy when you saw each other and tried to avoid bringing up the subject of your love life due to the unfortunate circumstances. Irene didn’t pry, she never did.

“Is Johnny going to be there?” She giggled softly and you tried your hardest not to roll your eyes.

Of course, Irene was lucky and had kept contact with him and you were at home for weeks moping about the one you were sure you had lost. You sighed. “No, he’s not in that group, ‘Rene.” You snorted a little, shaking your head. “But he’ll be here in June if you guys are still a thing.”

“Ugh, the things I do for you.” She sighed heavily, but you could tell it wasn’t serious. “Yeah, I’ll come, we leave Friday morning?”

“What about Thursday evening?” You bit your lip, hoping that maybe you’d get a chance to see them when they landed, maybe you’d get the gumption to text Mark and handle everything and you’d both be fine again. Realistically you knew that that was a low probability, but you had to try. Maybe Ten and Taemin could help you out again. They were the main ones who got you into that mess in the first place, maybe their presence would help. You were freaking out in your head and you didn’t even register that you were still on the phone until you heard your name getting yelled at you. “Uh, s-sorry I got distracted, what were you saying?”

“I said it’s fine but you’re booking the hotel.” She was laughing again. “You gonna actually hang out with Mark, not just sleep together? Are you gonna talk?” You groaned in response, not really wanting to tell her what you were up to, but you wanted to fill her in at least a little. You fibbed a tiny bit.

“We haven’t talked in a week, I thought I’d surprise him.” You bit your lip and hoped Irene was nice enough to understand.

“Perfect, it seems to be a habit of pulling up on him, yeah?”

“I guess so.” You sighed again. Maybe you should text him, maybe he was more relaxed since he was soon to be in the states and was going to go to his hometown soon. Maybe he’d be in a better spot to respond to you. You tried to reason in your head that the possible reason that you two didn’t talk much was specifically because he was out of the country again. You were trying to remain hopeful.

“Okay, well you seem distracted, so I’ll call you later?” You knew she was right; you couldn’t even hold a conversation.

“Okay, love you.” You sighed again, biting your lip and wondering what had brought you to the point in your life where you were showing up randomly to see a guy. You never thought you’d be in that position to like anyone so much before.

“Love you too! I’m gonna go home and pack. Get some rest tonight!” You definitely needed the rest. It had been a few weeks since you really got a decent night’s sleep, so you hoped her blessing meant something. You sighed and hung up, shaking your head to try and pull yourself back together. You opened your phone back up, scrolling through social media to steady your mind, which happened to end up the opposite when you found an update that very clearly stated that the members were in LAX that morning, literally miles away from your home and you blinked in shock. They were there already? You tried to steady your breathing. It was a sign, you needed to speak to Mark soon. You had no idea where he was or what he was doing at the moment, but being so close to you had to mean something.

[flockofdoves]

talking to family and theyre like ‘yeah my sleep schedule has been so bad recently ive been going to bed at 1am’ when like. on a normal day i go to bed at 2am and now im practically nocturnal and going to bed around 6am each day 😬

even if im not doing anything i really want to fix this its not even like im making good use of the night hours im awake. not sure the best way to go about fixing it though i hate all noghters i did them so much when i was in school and it always fucked up chronic pain stuff worse than usual and theres the risk that just trying to get myself tired at a normal time wont even fix it so ill just fuck up sleep worse

[thisnerdsadventures]

April checkin and semester update!

Hi everyone its the middle of April, and boy am I toasted from the two and a half weeks post-spring break

Here’s what happened!

my friends and I went to hackDartmouth, where we made a web app that helps you plan trips. I would say it’s still pretty under development, though this time around, the alpha does indeed work on its own! For those who are interested - here’s the git repo, we used a react on top of ruby on rails. we would not recommend this choice for future projects. we also pulled an all nighter! and ate many snacks

the weather finally turned up to around 50s or 60s, so CPW was pleasantly nice for once. Here’s some pics of CPW 

The first picture is from Activities Midway, where we showed prefrosh a bit about our club (Quidditch), and we made butterbeer for the occasion. The second picture is from fondue in McCormick, where we spend an hour or two cutting fruit two days prior in preparation. The third picture is from hot pot at EC, and I got to meet up with a friend from high school and hang out w her a bit. The fourth picture is from a Quidditch event where we actually ran through some drills and played a scrimmage with some prefrosh. And lastly, the picture on the right is of this floppy balloon thing they had in front of Maseeh for the weekend,

like this, but then someone pulled a hack and took it to the top of the lobby 7 dome. so that was a thing

i think this years cpw was a lot of fun, or at least I got to go to a lot of events this year and it felt more fun with like actual friends who were prefrosh this year. anyways, a rundown of the Wednesday (pre-CPW) - Saturday craziness (at least my schedule):

Wednesday

butterbeer prep @5pm

lab meeting @6 - 7:30pm

psetting at pi phi @8-9:30pm

dorm IM basketball!!! but we lost crie @10pm

panic clean and laundry (the entire dorm was up doing this at 1am with me i swear to god)

Thursday

archery @11am! Yes im in archery now. the dude said i was a natural soOoOooOO your girl can shoot straight into a circle and look like a PRO

recitation at 12pm

dorm tours at 3 - 5pm, which was super fun! even though my whole tour was just parents asking questions about how rooms are distributed to freshmen. it was unexpectedly tiring though, I literally finished and nearly collapsed in my room afterwards

met the prefrosh I was hosting for the weekend! I walked her to Simmons and she met up with some random people that I think she got to hang out with for the weekend

psetted for like two hours until my friend got in from Logan, and she brought me Porto’s! And then I hung out with her til nearly midnight

Friday

Camped out in the lobby til noon, and talked to some prefrosh and parents. Gave a surprise tour

Class at 1pm

Ran Quidditch practice at 3pm til 5pm ish

met up with a friend from BU at 6pm for dinner! Took her around cpw events until 10pm [including smores, fondue, root beer floats, and then just chatting in the GLR]

went with my friend and her prefrosh and her prefrosh’s friends to frat parties til midnight

watched jane the virgin with her til 1am

Saturday

woke up late, and ran over to the student center and Z to set up Quidditch for activities midway at 12:30, stayed til 2:30pm

dunked my friend in the dunk tank at maseeh after being cruelly mocked for a while

helped run our signature event at 7pm, and hunted down random prefrosh with glow sticks to try to get them into the building, stayed til 10:30pm

was sad because all the other volunteers left me alone outside, so texted a friend and we watched the perfect date in the kitchen until 1am [6/10, imo]

anyways, the takeaway from this is to thank your local CPW chairs and club exec committees for running the 700+ events because this ^^ was highkey exhausting but super fun anyways

super excited for the next couple days because we have a basketball game tomorrow, our exec quarter zips are coming in tomorrow, and i’m seeing les mis on friday! its also my first musical, so im super psyched :D

semester update!!!

6.858 its actually a pretty chill class, the labs are ok for me, and the readings are on the tougher side for me, but still really interesting content! and i managed to pay attention for the full 80 minutes today and understand >90% of the lecture, so i’m feeling pretty good about myself today

6.033 - ehhhh ok i have a lot of opinions but i feel like a lot of people are in this class, so im not about to go off on this platform lol but i really do like the papers we read (we read MapReduce from Google and CDNs from Akamai, to point out two papers I liked) and i like discussing them in class. never thought i’d actually enjoy discussions (i get horrible anxiety speaking in section), but its actually not too bad somehow.

electronic music comp I - i guess its interesting, we made feedback compositions and convolution projects, which I’ll upload to soundcloud once the semester ends, so I can show yall

interactive music systems: yall i really cannot express how cool this class is every single day, like im still in shock i get to take a class with one of the creators of guitar hero (i tell everyone i know this, and theyre all like whaaaaaa). the other day we coded a guitar hero like game! It’s pretty much just a lot of coding, but also thinking about things you wouldn’t normally think about, like how to build a note scheduler, or how graphics actually work

[unicornninjabitch]

You: no one asked for another one of these

Me: yeah i know sorry i just have a lot of emotions and shit lately

(Haha thats a lie all i feel lately is annoyed and pain)

Anyway yes I’m going to complain more about life cause i have some emotions i need to get out and shit. Okay I’m very much a night owl, I have been my whole life, I work better t night and just love the night sky and shit. However 8th grade I was really, super, hella depressed cause of family stuff and school and being totally alone and you know the depression (thanks genes!), so I’d be absolutely TERRIFIED to be left alone with my thoughts. I’d stay up all night on youtube or some cringey website or on tumblr just so I didn’t have to lay in bed and think. Also very closeted, very depressed baby Alex had no idea wtf a healthy coping mechanism was, so I cut and it was bad like an every night thing cause after I did I was suddenly really tired and could almost sleep instantly once it hit like 2-3 am. Anyway I fucked my sleeping schedule up at a very young age, so that habit never left and the earliest I go to bed anymore is 12-12:30, whatever im used to it, not good for me but whatever. Then summer started and I didn’t sleep till like 1am-2am so I chalked it up to “it’s summer whatever”, but then it was 2 am-3am and I thought that was a one time thing, but nope. Now (as in the past week/week and a half ish) I’m lucky to get 2-3 hours of sleep and even then I’m up at like 9 am. As you can imagine this has lead to a good amount of problems, but first one additional thing. Now it’s just me and my mom at our house, but because of hour cuts and paying for school and catching up on bills and other shit we don’t really have a ton of money which means we don’t have a ton of food which means what we have we have to make last. With that being said back track to me getting 2-3 hours of sleep, now my body’s tired and I’m exhausted I just wont go to fucking sleep, but I’m hungry as hell. We didn’t have cereal and milk for awhile, so that left me with pasta like I said I’m exhausted so pasta involves cooking, but I couldn’t do it. I knew I’d be too tired half way through the water boiling to finish let alone eat anything. Also cause we don’t have a ton of money I’d get 2 free meals a day in school so I wouldn’t go a whole day (or week) without eating real food (i mean it was gross government food but it got the job done), but in summer I didn’t get that so I just havent eaten really all summer like i could probably count on my hands how many actual meals ive eaten all summer. So the not eating mixed with the not sleepings fucking awful as you can imagine.I had a headache so bad I had to close my curtains put on sunglasses cover my head with a blanket and put my ice on my head in an attempt to help ease the pain, but WAIT THERES MORE. Every bone in my body constantly feels like it needs to crack and im just constantly really achey (idk if that has to do anything but it hurts like hell) Ive tried stretching and resting but it doesnt help, BUT THERES EVEN MORE!! The not eating!! I can feel my stomach being totally empty besides some water and that shit fucking hurts (idk how baby Alex did that shit) AND A FINAL THING your boy was born with god awful child bearing parts and guess what came up?! That’s right devil week so i feel like someones just stabbing me with a pitchfork while also trying to eject food thats not there. Therefore the past few nights Ive basically been clutching my stomach and head, the heating pad isnt helping, and pain killers arent helping much.

At this point youre probably like “dude just some nyquil” which yeah youre right i should but we didnt have extra money this week to buy any and we dont have any so thats why i didnt do that. Also like I said before I /am/ tired, im really fucking tired and i dont really have thoughts its more like fast and loud static and like energy i have to get out or i get uncomfortable, so the past few nights (last night was really bad) Im up clutching and rocking and snapping and tapping my feet just trying to get rid of that energy. It comes a little bit in the day i was talking to a friend and typing so fucking fast while also thinking about some oc idea and then BAM no energy at fucking all like i had to lay down. This also leads into ive been trying to read out loud to myself so i can try to get my voice lower cause my voice bothers the hell out of me, but i cant focus for longer than like 5 minutes cause of loud static and extra energy and being tired and my eyes being tired so its really frustrating.

The thing is i go to a psychiatrist for my meds and what she told me (idk if this is true everywhere or just how she is) that i had like textbook bipolar but becaue at the time i was ike 14/15 they didnt want to diagnose it cause i was still young. Bipolar runs in my family, just like depression and anxiety, so i wasnt super suprised by that and as i got older i got less scared (theres nothing scary about people with bipolar btw i just didnt know what to expect or think cause of how i saw it in like movies and stuff) i thought maybe i wasnt and i just had highs and lows like everyone else, but looking back i can see that the highs and lows were really extreme and like i said before i was super suicidal last year and just kinda gave up and earlier this summer it took a lot of energy to do anything, but this isnt like doing reckless things kinda high like it normally is and it fucking suck ass guys. On top of that my ever so supporting lately mother was like “look up manic episodes” so i told her i know what it is but she just pushed to look it up so i did and of course i made a joke about increased sexual activity (which my virgin is not) and looked like yes i know. (side note dw too much im going to the doctors tomorrow and im gonna see what i can do about my meds and stuff).

So yeah sorry for another shitty life update (not including tons of dysphoria, isolation, and more self hate but whatevs)

[bestillmybeefyheart]

Well the last 2 days have been wierd. Yesterday had the headache whciH Im sure was sun related. Then felt like Iw as getting a cold last night and zonked out and woke up at 1am. Very light fever, moist likely the sun I got. I hydrate and use sunscreen but the sunscreen is expired by 2 years so Im getting more today. Today I woke up 5ish and was still light feverish and sweaty, for some reason thermostat went to 76 (it learns and makes a schedule based on my actions and Ive been up that early cold and turned it up so it decided that is what I wanted) so that probably didnt help me sweating either when Im covered head to toe in sheets and blankets. Currently no more fever. But I am going to get more sunscreen today and am putting off my ride till its 6-7 min to get the sun behind the trees for my ride and its cooling a tad to be safe. It's also the first day today where I alternate on and off my old BP med, so my HR willmost likely be wierd as I finish this last 2 weeks taper. Im excited about being off them, means my HR can be normal when I exercise, but not so much w the effects while I do so. its going to feel like its racing at times Im sure. And then my exercise will push it too. But considering I have to really push hard on it to even hit 110-120BPM, and Im used to 140-180... it will be good. I'll burn more calories and get more blood where I need it finally. So today to be safe, staying in the cool house, working remotely, going to get fresh sunscreen and ride late. And about to shower and use my calamine soap on my red parts. I'll probably relax maybe nap, just to make sure. Then have to work more 6 or so hours Wed-Fri and do a weekend day to make up for it. I could use a day on the weekend in the office anyway so I can go from computer to computer w no one there to do my rescue scans to make sure there's nothing wierd on their machines and check to make sure things are up to date. Sunday is Father's Day so it will have to be Sat. Goal today is to stay cool and finish getting back to normal and rthen go ride. Oh and I started Supernatch S10 and Im not super digging it so far. 9 was good. 10, not liking where its going so far. I need a new comedy to watch that is as good as TBBT and such but that Ive never seen.

[deadcatelog]

chaha,, this is why i ended up crying on the sidewalk at 12am outside of a public event i’d brought a ticket for because i wanted.......  i thought we both wanted to go........ she told me she was in the city then suddenly she says she realized she was actually in longisland and about 2hrs away from the city........ even when.

i thought were going to do something fun together again for once, since it’d been so long...... i sai d i wanted to go see it and she said she wanted to come and i told her where i was.. she has a car and i took the train which is a lot slower and; she never responded? we used to talk for hours.. then about an hour, or a little more than an hour away? maybe 2? from when the event was soupposed to start she told me she was hanging out in a lounge with some of her other friends. drinking and partying? i was nt mad she was enjoying herself but i was peevedshe didn’t even tell me she was back in the city.... even if that was the case that she ever wasn t omg... it wasso close to when the even was soupposed to start. there’s no cell service in the subway and my phone was abt to die. i texted her asking, i don’t remember? omething about the event.i think i told her i was an hr away from it and since we were both in different places and w diff. transportation situations... she took so long to respond... my phone was about to die.. im so fucking easy to fool lmao, i was curled up in the corner of a room after i finally walked in the event charging my phone for 2 hrs (the event was 3 hrs) waiting for anything... she always lets her phone die when shes out late at night. my phone was on 1% so i thought maybe hers was too so i stopped thinking about it and just sat at the bar and listened to the music. i think my last text to her was “are you coming?” i woke up in the middle of the day the next day and there was just still no response.. i should have expected this. she’s been so cold lately. she probably just realized what a fucking mess and a burden i was and that she didn’t have to do that once she saw how normal people acted towards each other. she probably didn’t want to deal with the stress......she was being nice about it and i was being an idiot. last time we hung out i pointed out that there was this function in manhattan while we were in queens after getting something to eat, we spent all day in queens until she led me into a dunking donut and sat down and we sat there for hours. she said she had to charge her phone. she had a portable charger. right before this she kept telling me how tired she was and how she wanted to go home and i protested but then i was like... ok thats fine ur tired lets go to ur car and i’ll see u off but she told me she’d parked really really far away.i didn’t mind, she was the last person whose company i enjoyed. i was so scared of the idea  that she wanted nothing to do with me. we stayed in that fucking donut shop for hours. i was tired too so i got a double expresso so we could hang out like we’d sai we’d do.... like i’d traveled 2hrs for to do.... she didn’t even talk to me almost the entire time, she was jst staring at her phone. maybe complaining about how i wouldn’t take a hint. i don’t even know who those ppl r she never told me anything about them besides the fact that some of them were older than her and they went out drinking together often. she sounded like she really liked them. i didnt care that she had other friends whose company she enjoyed so much... it made me happy to see how well she was doing after hs. god im such a fool. i’m so fucking stupid im literally fucking retarded. she;d been acting weird and distant for months. i thought that was just what is was like watching your hs friends grow up when u two were in completel different situations but there were so many times where i’d toss all my plans to prepare to travel/hang out w her just to show up and suddenly she didn’t have the time bc she had something she had to do that ...just so happened to be starting like 10 minutes after i’d traveled all the way across manhattan to see her... im a fucking idiot. she probably decided she didn’t like me anymore a long time ago after nothaving to deal w me every day and was probably trying tolet me go easy by letting me chose not to make the same dumb decisions over and over but i was so desprate to hold onto her bc no one else talks to me. an y sane person wouldn’t have stood up for that... and some times i did say to her that what it wasn’t cool to call me over and say we should hang out only to tell me she’d have to bail for an interview or something she was scheduled for like a week b4 we met up or something. she never responded to those texts. i was so scared she would decide she was mad at me and done dealing with me so i never mentioned them again even though it fucking hurt. i felt like a toy being tugged around when she got bored but immediately threw away when something else, something more important than leisure of course, came up. i dont know how to make friends. looking back on it, were we even really best friends like i thought? we were only friends for a year, maybe that wasn’t enough? i enjoyed her comapny... and S’s comapny, and sometimes A’s company so much... especilly when we were all thogether even if it was just in class. maybe im just being inconsiderate and i cant see why so im jumping to conclusions bcfrom my point of view i’m?? everything hurts again. im always the fucking dummy, the crazy psycho weirdo that even the nicest ppl could see needed to be put down before it hurt anyone or them. even someone as blind as me can see it in their fucking eyes. they get wide, they back up a bit or hunch their shoulders and stop talking and my fucking dumbass just walks forward and keeps running my dumb mouth bc all i think of it is ‘oh! what happened? they wont be able to hear me from that far away i’ll walk closer and keep taling’ ad now im just  afucking angry loser screaming like a fucking toddler on the floor about how unfair the world is when the truth is nobody deserves to fucking have to deal with me. mr g was right to fucking hate my entitled guts. ms garia was right to fucking hate my guts too while putting on a huge fake grinthat i just saw as proof that what i thought she was probably thinking of me was just my outlandish brain trying to make me feel like the entire world was fucking against me when in reality that wasn;t the case when in reality that was the case because they have a fucking reason to be. even though i wasbeginning to ate my uncle for basically cornering me all the time and listing off all the ways he thought i was stupid and disgusting and a pain to have around wasn’t he fucking right? it i it cant just i cant just run around being offended by everyone in the world and giving them the silent treatment-- even if i thought i was giving them space,how could they fucking know?? 

there probably isnt a person on this planet that would feel sympathy for my fucks. ed up situation because they suddenly have to deal with treating this entitled stupid bitch super delicately  least she hurt them. i don’t even know what i do to hurt them, but i do it anyways. im 100% sure that its just by being me. my mother always fucking screamed at me since i was little how much of a curse i was on her. i can’t imagine my brother came out of nowhere with what he was thinking when he stomped upstairs and choke slammed me against my fucking bed and screamed in my face while he shook me and stepped on my laptop after i took my food back. he called me ungrateful. he yelled it to me straight in my ear as if to force it into my head. i don’t even remember being ungrateful?? he talked about brining home food he let me eatallthe time like white astle but i thought i’d always expressed my gratitute but maybe i didn’t?? i don’t remember. i always felt like id din. 

there’s a fucking REASON why EVERYONE i meet thinks im a fucking liar and more than worthy of their distain and being put in my place whether it meant i’d get my feelings or my fucking face hurt. everyone wants me to apologize to my brother. and my mother. everyone thinks im being an unreasonable cunt. EVERYONE in my family has shown distain or disapointment in me. it doesnteven fucking matter that i was ableto get into one of the best schools in the country. now i just get even more people outright avoiding me or confronting me bout how much of a fucking disgrace they think i am. my fucking exsistance is always a major fucking burden on everyone around me. it just keeps happening again and againandn again and i keep trying to change but the cycle never stops. it doesnt matter how good of a persn i run into, after having to deal w me for a few weeks they’ll start pushing me out of the way if im walking too slow or step on my toes or avoid me and talk about me behind my back. i can imagine it.... i’ve always told myself i was wrong and oerthinking myself but it always turns out to be true and its always worse than i imagned they’re always way more pissed off at me for my bullshit and that hurts more than any ~over anxious thinking~ i could tell myself. they dont deserve to have to deal with a fucking demon like me but im fucking human too and it hurts so fuking bad. i an see how much they hate me or are pissed to have to put up with me. my uncle told me a few weeks ago that he wish i knew how much he wanted to fucking hurt me when he came back to his apartment and saw the mess i made... i swear to god i was letting the fucking meat defrost... it was 1am bu i was up the entire time; i was making burgers. there were two and the first one was fucking raw and frozen on the inside despite deforsting it in the microwave. he asked me over and over again when school was starting again. i wanted to cry at how obvious it was he wanted me fucking out. i thought i just had bad luck witht my mom but that made me realize it wasn’t fucking bad luck it was all my own fault. probably from the very beginning. i couldn’t help that i didn’t want towash the dishes then and did eveything i ould to get out of it with her. i couldn’t help that even though i did wash the dishes and cleaned up after myself that i let everything aroun d me get so bad before i did something about it. back then i just didnt want to do it and i thought it was unfair that i was always the one to clean the dishes all the time while tony only had to tae out th e trash once a week or so. every time she told me to get off my ass and wash the dishes it was so fucking full it made me mad that i was cleaning up after everyone else. and every time i pointed that out of course both of them were aginst me. she and he told me in their own ways they bot h thought it was only fair. 

that fucking bitch. she wasn’t even anywhere close to fucking proud when i got into columbia. her voice was flat the entire time, i tried to get her excited so hard. i knew she cared about money, i told her how much money a school like this could help me make and it was basically fucking radio scilence. and i wasn’t even anywhere comfortable, i was at this place in brooklyn (fucking brooklyn, fuck brooklyn) for this other girl i’d just become friends with (that’s a lie, i dont become friends w ppl idk how she just picked me up like a dog off the dtreet. she told me she liked to do that with people once)and this new teacher that got so pissed at me when i wandered off like i wasn’t fucking 30 days off from being 18 years instead of 8 years old... my heart was singing. i’d finally gotten into my dream school and she didn’t care, and then she didn’t care either. they were both probably so fucking annoyed it hurt ind ifferent ways i didnt want to talk about it anymore. i wanted to hug everyone around me, for the first time in so long i felt like my world lit up in a billion colors and i could finally be happy iforever but it was like... no one felt the same way. i get a bigger reaction from strangers who can briefly relate to me off of some superficial shit all the time than i did. i’d lost that feeling after that. it went from winning the lottery to just another academic achievement that nobody but me and a few other poor souls that probably had to feel obligated to say something nice even gave a shit about. those types, i cant even imagine im an entire person to them. i’m just some symbol of like... society as a whole not being... fucking i dont know,? even this sounds fucking arragont and hell coming out my my mouth nowthat i type it out... lmao mr. g just gave me this fucking look after the announcement took place for the rest of the year. i wanted him to acknowledge that he was wrong about me so bad, haha, that he was wrong to hate me but of course why would being the first student in the history of our shitty fucking school to even get in shitting distance of an ivy league mean anything to him? he probably figured i got in bc i was black, and poor and using that + lies to trick the adoffiers to let me in. ms garcia too. she would hardly speak to me after that. her eyes seemed to burn whenever i met them. i... never thought that they were wrong, i couldn’t shake the enthusiasim i’d lost inside of me after the other day. i( can’t imagine they thought i was anything less than absolutely coddled and spoiled athome while my entire family stroked my ego and did my every bidding since it would probably explain why i acted the way i did in class and schooli guess. fuck i cant even remember more than half the shit i did in hs.)but wasn’t going to just so happen to speak about how great if feels to know that i was probably going to be set for life, for a great fanatastic life, when they were alwyas just barely keeping their mouths shut from calling me a a fucking retarded entitled cunt every time i opened my mouth and it pissed them off.

god no wonder they hated me. im losing my train of thought. i hate myself. i hate myself so much. i don’t even know wit when im hurting other ppl andyeti was always this self righteous bastard who claimed i only cared about others bc i did community service (that no one ever saw since i didn’t do it in school.... so it would be easy to just think that im just a lyingbitch trying to get attention and shit i dont deserve.... like w this admission offer lol)

everyone whose nice to me eventually learns it was a fucking mistake.i seethe way people look at me so clearly now, but still its neveruntil its too late i still dont fucking know what i do to piss everyone around me off all the time. everyone i figured was pretty smart around me always tended to avoid me or get angry at me for no reaosn i could explain. lmao. andr saw it too, she couldn’t stand being around me after a certainpoint. i dont have friends. ive never had friends like everyone else had friends. just fucking sympathizers (”why do you even speak to her?” just someone looking out for someone they loved when i did some dumb shit to them) i wish i had a knife so i could slit my throat right here. maybe then someone will read it and understand that i dont mean it but onestly would they?? am i getting anything less than i fucking deserve?? it doesnt matter if i don’t like it, i’m always brining fucking painful unnecessary bullshit into people’s lifes and make even the kindest people want to fucking rip my guts out for it. there’s a noose tied up to my closet right now but i please just please don’t want to suffer anymore.i dont want toknow what its like to be homeless, but idid this to myself. i’ve always fucking did this to myself. all my shit is password protected. i want to see myself as a martyr so bad but a martyr wouldn’t try and force someone to read this shit and try and make them feel bad for shit they barely had anything to do with that im just trying to drag them into bc i want to feel good about myself, and they only was i an accomplish that is by making other people feel bad?? hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.

a few weeks ag  i told myself i wouldn’t do it in my dorm because i didn’t want to make other people comfortable. i dont want anyone to come and see my body next to the fucking pigsty i always seem to create wherever i go. i dont want them to have to see my half naked body, but i didnt have any clean clothes. clothes... i jsut spent over 100 on some fucking jeans and a denim jaket bc i wanted it even though i can’t really afford it. me bac k on my bullshit again, of course.oh my god oh mygod. fucking hell god dammit. but isnt this nothing less than i desevre anyway? for making so many poor innocent people have to endure my fucking insane ly uncomfortable awkwardness and the natural hellfire that surrounds me and i was born with and burns everyone around me except for me. is it really so objectively terrible when they burn me back?? they don’t know that i dont have any idea what im doing. they dont know what goes on in my head. i learned to destroy my own feelingsand shut down my human reactions while i was livnngin that hell hole........the second hellhole i came from,theone here on earthnot the one ispwaned in lol.

i really dont even want to hink about the anger the peoplewhove trulygotten to know me will go through if i did die like this. everyone around them will be superifcially mourning and they wouldnt be able to say anything bad, haha~ about me because of the social pressure or w.e, they’dprobably feel terrible themselves because i know even thoughthey hate me and hurt me or want to hurt me or lie to me to hurt me or laugh ifthey make me flinch they’d probablyfeel bad about how glad they feel and should feel for having thishorriblehellcritter whipe herselfoff the face of the earth. and everyone elsewill think im pathetic, of course. so many people already know howpathetici am. theyll ust roll their eyes in annoyance and grumble how i did everything to deserve the shit i went through, and that it was pathetic how i canttake half the shiti dish out.then they;ll go on with their lives nd i’ll be dead and forgotten and the world can cheer silently that im finally gone.