#itll be over before the clocks change

[pretty-kitten-paw]

.

[phagodyke]

that uncomfortable but necessary conversation post is sticking in my head now like points were made.... maybe I should say something. 🤕

[rafeandonlyrafe]

christmas stocking

words: 1.3k

warnings: established relationship, reader has really good relationship with parents, implied bad family situation for rafe, christmas celebrations

taglist: @drewstarkeyslut @thelomlisrafecameron @f4ll-for-you @dilvcv @winterrrnight @drudyslut @drewsbaby @jjmaybankswifes-blog @rafescokenostril @jjsmarijuana @jjmaybankisbae @seeingstarks @angelofcigs @cece45450 @babygorewhore @vanessa-rafesgirl @michelleisheres-blog

“hey momma.” you say with a smile as you answer the phone, clicking it to speaker so you continue to work. 

“hi baby girl!” your moms voice rings out through the speaker. “did you figure out what time you're leaving?”

“looks like tomorrow at 10 am, then we should be to yours by dinner.” you hum, glancing at the clock while continuing to pack up. “oh, change of plans by the way. rafe is coming with me.” 

“oh yay!” your mom squeals. she only met rafe once when she came to visit you in the outer banks at your new house, but it was so early on in your relationship that she didn't really get to know him well, and things are a lot more serious now. “i can't wait to have my babies home for christmas.”

“does that mean andrew will be able to make it?” you ask, inquiring about your brother.

“they'll be here, but leaving the day after christmas for his wife's family.” 

“okay, that sounds good. itll be nice to have the four of us back together, plus rafe and diana.” you hum. ever since your brother went away for college when he turned 18, and you left two short years after to move to the outer banks, it was hard to get the whole family together, even for the holidays. you spent the last two christmases in the outer banks, one spent alone in your new house, the other with the camerons.

you were shocked by how different their christmas was than what you were used to. it was cold and devoid of any traditions besides what was seemingly forced on the kids of the family. you ultimately had a good time with rafe, but you missed the familiarity and fun that you had with your family. 

rafe was originally going to stay in the outer banks, not wanting to intrude on your family, but you finally convinced him last night that everyone would be happy to have him.

“okay so tell me about what i can get for rafe.” your mom says, and you just know she's bent over the counter with a notepad and pen in hand, not wanting rafe to be left out of opening presents.

--

“ready to go rafey?” you ask, looking at the back of the car, trunk filled with your suitcases, while the back seat has already wrapped presents, both for your family and ones for rafe, as well as his for you.

“i am. last chance to say if you forgot something.”

“nope.” you shake your head, “ive gone over my checklist three different times.”

“alright, off to your parents then.” rafe says, leaning over and pressing a kiss to your lips before taking off down the road.

--

“can we stop? i gotta pee.” you say, looking at the sign for an upcoming rest stop.

“again?” rafe sighs, but there's a small smile gracing his features as he turns the indicator on, pulling off to the road stop.

you hop out of the car, but rafe follows right behind you, not letting you go in by yourself, always extra cautious when you're out in public, especially away from the outer banks. 

“gonna get us snacks.” rafe says, keeping his eye on you as you head into the bathroom, only turning to the vending machines when you disappear behind the tile wall. 

--

“hey baby.” rafe says softly, stroking over your thigh to wake you up. “we're almost there.”

you stretch with a yawn, rubbing at your tired eyes. you blink them open, realizing the roads are now familiar, about to pull off the highway at your home town exit.

“thanks for driving, rafey.” you say, leaning over the center console to give him a kiss on the cheek. you clean up the car a bit while he finishes the drive, gathering up the wrappers of the chips and snacks and shoving them into a bag to throw away later.

“im so excited.” you say as rafe turns down your road, and your parents house comes into view.

“i can’t wait to get to know them.” rafe says, pulling into the driveway. you can’t help the squeal you let out in excitement as you rush out as soon as the car is in park, briefly turning your head to make sure rafe is following you as you step onto the porch, not bothering to know before flinging open the door, knowing that your parents are no doubt waiting right inside for you.

“mom! dad!” you shout, jumping into their arms as they swallow you into a comforting hug. you press a kiss to both of their cheeks before turning to rafe.

“i brought these for you.” rafe sticks forward his hand, in it a bouquet of flowers, presenting them to your mother.

“oh, rafe, darling you shouldn’t have.” your mom coos, pulling rafe into a hug before rushing into the kitchen to place the flowers into a vase. rafe gives your dad a firm handshake before offering to help carry in your bags.

you smile and look out the door as they chat casually, happy that rafe seems to be fitting in instantly.

--

“its just so different.” rafe says softly, stroking his hand absentmindedly over your back as you’re curled up next to him on the couch.

“what do you mean?” you hum, pressing your lips against his shoulder, even though you can guess what he’s talking about.

“your family is just so… easy going. and you all get along so well.” rafe says, looking around the living room at your parents sharing a couch, and your brother and his wife sitting in matching armchairs, all chatting happily amongst themselves.

“im lucky to have such an amazing family.” you say, looking to rafe. “and that you’re a part of it.” “i dont want to intrude though, baby. so if you have any traditions you want to be just amongst your-” “shh.” you cut rafe off, a smile on your face. “we all want you here. my mom was so excited when i told her you were coming. you love me right?” you ask, which rafe of course nods. “and we are planning to be together forever right? so of course my family is going to want you around, to include you in our traditions.” “sorry, dears, i couldn't help but overhear.” your mom says with a slightly blush to her cheeks. “forgive me for eavesdropping, but i actually have a gift for you rafe.”

rafe begins to say that he doesn’t need any gifts, but your mom cuts him off with a quick stern look, one he’s seen in you many times.

your mom returns to the room with a small wrapped box in her hands.

“thank you.” rafe says sincerely, setting the box on his lap. you smile, already knowing what is inside, seeing it before when andrew first brought diana to christmas celebrations.

rafe opens the box carefully, attempting not to rip the paper and make a mess, aware of the eyes on him.

“a christmas stocking.” rafe says with a smile as he pulls it out. you wait for him to notice, and you can tell from his body language the second his eyes read over his own name, hand stitched by your mother, signifying rafes place in the family. he tenses for a second before melting completely, body slumping against yours.

you wrap your arms around rafe, knowing this is an emotional moment for him, his moment where he realizes how loved and accepted he is.

“we are so happy you’re a part of our family, rafe.” your mom says, accepting his hug when he stands to embrace her and thank her for the gift, looking to the mantelpiece with all of the family stockings hanging, where his will soon join.

your dad strikes up a conversation with andrew, and you know its to take some of the pressure and attention off rafe as he ducks his head into your neck, pressing soft kisses to the skin there.

“i told you you wouldn’t be intruding.” you whisper, running your fingers through his hair.

“yeah, yeah.” rafe says sarcastically. “you’re right.” you give him a look, before he concedes with a nod. “as always.”

[lazarusrisingx]

Alright so this’ll be my first official one shot for this account yippee!! Im starting off with something fluffy cause ya boi hasn’t written fan fics in quite a while (yes i was a fan fic writer before but i wanted to start over cause i abandoned that account tee hee)

summary: A fluffy one shot where sylus teaches you to ride his motorcycle and you..kinda fail at it

also for one shots i think im gonna use MC instead of Y/n as the name? if yall want me to change it for the next one just lmk.

this story also diverges from the actual lore of LADS, its mentioned theyve already had some past ‘romantic’ moments tee hee.

triggers: mentions of scrapes and blood, no serious injuries, motorcycle incident without helmet, uhhhh there isnt really anything triggering so yeah! just pure fluff and scared sylus

might be a bit ooc sylus but im tryna stay true him, also excuse my bad spelling im gonna autocorrect everything but im writing on my phone so don’t judge.

okay lets get it peoples!!

————————————————————

It was a relatively nice day in the N109 zone. Crime seemed to hold itself for the crisp cool weather that decided to roll in over night. The sky was less murky grey than usual and a few patches of blue peeked through fluffy white clouds. The sun was near setting as MC and a certain silver haired man sat in his office.

“..you want to what?” Sylus asked, not looking away from a manila folder in his hands.

“I want you to show me to ride your motorcycle.” MC repeated.

The tick of the grandfather clock was the only sound that could be heard for a few moments. MC felt for a moment she might want to take back her recquest, but Sylus silently set down the folder he held and leaned back in his chair with a sigh.

He rubbed his eyes, and folded his arms, studying the girl without expression.

“If you do-“

“Your telling me the great wanderer huntress doesnt know how to ride a simple motorcycle?” Sylus interrupted. the edge of his lip quirked up in a slight smirk.

MC narrowed her eyes at him.

“Its not in the training for us to be taught to ride or drive.”

Sylus tilted his head, before speaking again.

“You mean you dont even know how to drive?” It sounded as if he was holding back a laugh.

“Will you teach me to ride or not! I can hire an instructor if you wont.” MC said, purposefully dodging the question of her driving skills.

She had thought about asking Sylus before, but lately the two of them hadnt had a single afternoon to do anything besides… questionably legal missions. It was so nice out that she thought itd be a shame to spend it in this dark and dreary office.

Sylus stood up without a word, dragging his coat off his chair and picking up the manila folder. He punched a code into one of his many safes and placed it inside for safe keeping, and went for the door.

“Are you coming? Or should i roll out a red carpet for you sweetie?”

MC stood up quickly, a smile sliding across her face as she followed him out of the room.

The two walked down the hall of his house quietly. She felt excited, and slightly nervous. Sylus didnt seem like the most compassionate teacher she couldve found. however spending money on an instructor was something she never intended to do in the first place.

Sylus glanced down at her as the two stopped by his room.

“you cant wear shorts, and I cant wear dress pants nor this shirt. Go get changed.” Sylus said as he opened the door.

MC gave him a questioning look as he opened the door for her, leaning against the wall waiting for her to enter.

“I dont have clothes here.” MC stated.

Sylus shook his head, his hand twitched and an invisible force pushed MC forward.

“I had the twins pick something up for you in case you needed to stay here for a while, itll be the third drawer from the bottom sweetie.”

the surprise on MC’s face mustve been obvious, because a quiet chuckle left Sylus.

“Dont look so surprised kitten, we work together enough that if you end up injured under my watch I’m not going to send you home to recover alone.”

“How do you even know my size in pants?” MC asked as she lifted out a pair of jeans. surprisingly they looked as if they would fit quite nicely.

Sylus leaned over her, his chest brushing over MC’s back. He was much warmer than she thought he might be, and the contact sent a slight spark of electric through her. He opened the top drawer of the dresser and produced a pair of black pants and a nice fitted black shirt for himself. MC glanced up to find Sylus peering down at her with a curious expression. Was that a smile she saw? If only for a split second. Sylus lingered against her for a few moments, pretending to look for soemthing else before taking a step back.

“I told them to look in the kids section.” He said.

MC turned to scold him, and found him unbuttoning his dress shirt, his silver hair dangled in front of his eyes as he looked down, the shirt parting just enough to expose a strong muscular chest, before MC promptly turned around her face turning bright red.

“Ill find a bathroom.” She said quietly.

“Straight ahead sweetie.”

She made a bee-line towards it, not looking back to see how Sylus’s eyes followed her, or the smirk on his face as he pulled his shirt off.

MC shut the door behind her, heart pounding in her ears. It was an odd reaction since she had seen him shirtless before. although it was different because this was unexpected.

She wiped the image from her mind and quickly got changed. Sadly, the pants fit her perfectly. MC was truly curious as to how Sylus or the twins figured out her size but it wasnt something she was ready to look into.

MC walked out from the bathroom, Sylus was dressed in all black his shirt was tight enough to show the outline of his abs, and make his arms look incredibly huge.

Sylus was finishing a message to someone on his phone. He glanced up at MC once before he finished the message.

“letting the twins know we will be out for a bit. I expect youd like to go to dinner after we are finished?” Sylus asked.

“mmm sure, I saw a hot po-“

“im picking where we eat. I dont feel like going to linkon tonight.” Sylus interrupted

He stood up and opened the door for the two, motioning for MC to walk out before him. She obliged, and the two walked in silence to his garage. Sitting in a parking spot was his usual black and red bike. The paint shiny from being newly washed, not a speck of rust nor dust decorated the expensive equipment.

“do you atleast know the basics of controls?” Sylus asked.

“theres the clutch, throttle and break. i know that much.” MC responded.

Sylus nodded, he pulled the kickstand up on the bike and began to slowly walk it towards the exit.

“Mine has some.. enhancements, so youll have to go easy on the gas. turning is fairly self explanatory. but as i said before take it very gentle. I dont want a scratch on this bike.”

MC nodded and followed behind him. She was getting nervous now, but she knew Sylus had a decent driveway that she would be able to drive around, that way she could avoid any extra cars or pedestrians. the few times she had driven a car, she had done fairly well, although went a little slower than the speed limit… by ten miles.

If anything, her only worry was annoying sylus with how careful she was!

The two walked out of the small garage and into the cool outside. wind rustled the small trees and birds chirped quietly around them.

“Get on here.”

Sylus held out his hand as he kept the bike steady. MC carefully got into the drivers seat and set her feet on the rests.

“put a foot on the ground so the bike can tilt when i let go.” Sylus said

“like this?”

MC put one foot on the ground, and Sylus let its weight rest on her. It was heavier than expected but nothing she couldnt handle. He took a step back and folded his arms.

“Turn the keys in the ignition, let it roll forward a bit so you know how itll feel.”

MC fumbled with the key for a moment and the engine roared to life. She smiled proudly, and looked to Sylus who was to focused on watching her slowly roll forward.

“Turn the gas a bit, and ride to the edge there, you dont need-“

MC thought she had pressed the gas lightly. she really did. Instead, the bike shot forward across the driveway, pointed not towards the grass, but the exit to the driveway. A scream escaped her as she pulled her foot onto the rests.

The wind ripples through her hair as she sped towards the entrance to the street, the handles wobbled in her hands, and within a second she was flung from the bike.

Metal screeched awfully on concrete as the bike was sent skidding towards her. Her body tumbled over the driveway, the rip of jeans and the feel of gravel driving into her arms didnt feel like much as she watched the bikes path heading straight for her.

MC threw up her hands, curling up expecting to be hit by the skidding motorcycle, but the impact never came.

The sound of heavy footsteps and muffled yelling made her open her eyes. Her vision was blurred, and her ears rang slightly. In front of her was a barrier of black and red smoke, instead of hitting her, the bike had been stopped not a second to soon.

“MC! For fucks sake!” Sylus yelled.

MC began to shake a bit, not from the pain in her arms and legs, nor the throbbing headache from hitting her head. She scrambled to her hands and knees. Sylus was running towards her, an unfamiliar expression on his face. His crimson eyes glowed brightly from using his evol.

“Sylus i-i didnt think itd be so sensitive!”

the barrier dissipated and MCs heart lept into her throat. the bikes previously shiny paint was nearly fully scraped clean, the seat had a few tears in it, the handles previously rubber grip was now worn down to the metal on one side. there was a bend in the rim of one of the wheels.

Tears filled MCs eyes as a mix of anxiety and fear pierced her heart. His bike was ruined! the one thing he had told her not to do was crash this, and less than a minute on it she had!

MC’s hands brushed over the ruined paint job, she barely noticed the blood dripping from her arm or down her hands, nor the pain of dirt being gritted into her badly scraped knees.

“What are you doing, what are you doing?” Sylus asked.

he had dropped to his knees beside her, grabbing a firm hold of both arms, that same unrecognizable expression written all over his face. his grip was firm, but MC didnt look away from the bike.

“Your bike! Sylus is swear i didnt mean to do that! I was gentle l-like you said I didnt think-“

“the bike? the fuck are you on about sweetie look at you!”

His voice was harsh and demanding. his eyes were still glowing crimson as MC finally looked at him. She was trembling badly. finally she noticed the blood now coating his hand and her arm. her lip was also split down the middle, and a cut on her cheek.

“I-ill pay for the bike Sy-“

“the bike? you think i give a fuck about the bike i have ten more just like it.”

He dragged the two of them to their feet.

“but you said-“

“your hurt.” Sylus said plainly.

His eyes scanned her wounds as if he was looking for something.

“Its nothing-“

“we are going back in.” Sylus stated.

in one swift motion he lifted MC off her feet, carrying her like a princess. MC was speechless as he stepped over the bike, walking quickly to get the two of them back into the house.

“You dont care about the bike?” MC asked.

Sylus glanced down at her.

“Why the fuck would i care about a damn object right now.”

MC paused for a moment, she stared up at his face, now noticing a thin layer of sweat over his forehead, his eyes darting back and forth and he looked… pale. was he scared? panicked?

the last thing MC expected from him was concern over a few scrapes and bruises. Well, maybe they werent scrapes. with each step her adrenaline wore off, and throbbing pain came over her entire body.

Sylus brought the two of them to his room, slamming the door open. The twins stood there together, talking back and forth.

“Boss- wait is she-“

“get out.” Sylus said gruffly.

“Boss are you alright? you look-“

“I told you both to get!” Sylus yelled.

The twins looked at the both of them for a moment, before scurrying out of the room.

“They could patch me up sylus you dont have to do this.” MC said quietly. he ignored her as he gingerly set her on the plush comforter.

“sylus the blood, i cant ruin more of your things.”

“why do you think i care about ‘things’ MC. sit down and wait for me. if you can get into your shorts put those on or im taking your jeans off myself.” Sylus said.

MC watched him enter the bathroom and rummage around. She didnt know what to think. of course her first thought was that he would be more concerned for his bike, he had seen her get hurt by wanderers before and hadnt seemed so… upset by it.

She found her shorts on the floor and slowly peeled the ripped jeans off herself and tugged on her shorts. her leg was definatley sore and bruises already began to blossom over her thigh. the concrete had rubbed away quite a bit of skin, blood dripped down her leg and onto the floor now.

without a word sylus came back in, his eyes had finally stopped glowing, and in his arms he held rolls of bandages antiseptics, tape, and cobain.

“i can do this myself Sylus.” MC said

“no.” Was all Sylus had to offer.

a wave of black and red smoke pushed MC back onto his bed. it wasnt as rough as usual, almost like a cushion pressing her into place.

Sylus knelt down in front of her. eyes narrowing as they scanned over her leg.

“shouldve been more careful.” Sylus mumbled.

“i know im sorry.” MC replied

“no, not you. I shouldve been more careful. that bike has enhancements on it, its to much for a beginner i didnt think about it.” He said.

MC grew quiet for a moment.

“well i wont die.” MC said, trying to lighten the mood.

Sylus didnt seem impressed. he hesitated his hands hovering over her leg before he grabbed a damp cloth and began wiping blood from her leg. His hands were calloused from boxing and fighting, but he was much gentler than MC expected.

“you wont die, but you still got hurt.” Sylus said after a moment.

he folded the cloth over itself and cleaned the edges of her wound. He gently brushed one of her scrapes, causing MC to grimace.

“sorry.” he mumbled quietly.

his free hand left the bed where it was planted, and gingerly took hold of hers.

“squeeze when it hurts, you wont harm me sweetie.” He said. His crimson eyes flicked to hers making a bolt of electric shoot through MC’s heart. she hesitated, before giving his hand a gentle squeeze.

sylus’ shoulders relaxed a bit after this. he picked up a new cloth, and doused it in antiseptic.

“it has lidocaine in it, but it might sting a bit.” Sylus said

Thankfully, he didnt try to clean the wound in sections. he paused for a moment and pressed the cloth firmly to her scrapes. MC grunted and squeezed his hand. When she looked back at him he was gently rubbing his thumb against the uninjured portion of her leg, looking at her with that oddly concerned expression.

“better?” he asked.

MC nodded her head letting out a breath. He lifted the cloth, now that the area was numb he was able to thoroughly clean the bits of dirt out. the process was repeated over the second patch of scrapes on her calf. Sylus slowly wrapped her leg in cobain and gauze, before sitting on the bed beside MC.

“are you alright sylus?” MC asked.

He had kept his usual snarky comments to himself the past few minutes and it was slightly worrying. Sylus turned his head to her and looked her up and down.

“you shouldve worn a helmet.” He said quietly

“well i wasnt intending to drive more than five feet.” MC replied.

a small smirk came across Sylus’ face.

“five feet? I thought youd have more confidence in yourself sweetie.” Sylus said.

MC laughed quietly and shook her head.

“my teacher didnt seem to have much confidence ‘ride to the grass’ i beileive you said.” MC replied.

Sylus quirked up an eyebrow.

“it seems i was right doesnt it?”

He gestured to her still injured arm, and held up a clean cloth.

“still got another spot to take care of sweetie.” He said.

MC groaned quietly, but turned so he would have a better angle for it. She looked away and waited for him to begin cleaning the wound. instead he leaned towards her, his hand slipping around to the back of her head and pulling her forward. MC nearly protested, but Sylus placed his hand on her back after resting her head to his chest.

She could hear his heart, beating extremely fast for someone so fit.

“just… a moment.” Sylus said quietly.

MC practically held her breath for a moment, before taking in air. his cologne smelled nice, a mix of fresh spices and expensive cigars. the muscles under her head her soft but firm. his arm resting around her body in a hug. Sylus was hugging her.

tentatively, MC put her good arm around him. it felt right, her anxiety and worry began to slowly melt away the longer they stayed like this. her eyes grew heavy, and she began to relax more and more against him. he was so solid, his chest rose and fell under her, slowing down after a moment or so.

“dont worry about the bike sweetie. really. im more concerned about the fact you were… injured.”

MC smiled slightly.

“The great leader of onychinus is concerned for me?” MC asked

a chuckle vibrated through Sylus’ chest. he almost sounded releived.

“more than youd know MC.” Sylus said quietly.

MC’s heart fluttered slightly. she closed her eyes as Sylus began to move again, his free hand found the back of her head, beginning to rub her hair gently as he pressed the cloth to the side of her arm. It wasnt long before the two had to seperate to allow sylus to wrap her arm.

“Why dont we order food tonight. I dont really feel like going out again.” MC said.

Sylus cleaned up the bloody cloths and nodded his head. he began to make his way towards the bedroom door.

“you pick the spot, ill pay.” Sylus said.

“absolutely not, i just trashed your bike-“

Sylus stood up and in a few strides crossed the room to stand in front of her, he leaned down and tilted her chin up to make MC look at him.

“how many times do i have to say that i dont care about the bike, just that you dont have a damn head injury?” He asked.

MC stared up at him for a moment, Sylus brought her face a little closer, speaking quietly now.

“I got you hurt today MC. The least i can do is pay for a damn meal.” He said.

MC couldnt help but look between his eyes and lips. was she insane to think about kissing him now? they were so close, and it wouldn’t be the first time one of them had made an attempt like that. Sylus scanned her face. did he just lean in more?

There was a knock at the door.

“Boss? we were just wondering if you needed us to get the bike out of the driveway.” One of the twins said.

Sylus looked dissapointed, and slightly annoyed. he released MC and turned away from her, going to the door and opening it.

“Ill come out and help you, one if you dispose of these. MC, you might want to change your shirt. Ill be in the living room when your done, sweetie.” Sylus said.

MC was left alone in his room. bright red blush creeped over her face as she slumped back on his bed. She was cursing herself slightly. Part of her was angry she even thought of kissing him, the other half was angry she didnt.

She flopped over onto her stomach groaning loudly before she sat up again.

Another uneventful night of eating in.

———————————————————

maybe ill make a smutty part 2 to this one? maybe not straight smut but some good steamy kisses and things like that idk.

uhhhhh yeah! i havent written in a little while so i dont know how good this is or isnt!

if yall have any ideas for other oneshots then just lmk. im currently working on the storyline for a yandere!sylus x reader fic so i might drop some teasers for that when i can.

in the meantime ill alternate between fluff and smut, i can do some sad stories to but they gotta have good endings cause i cant stand my mans to be sad like that.

also gonna work on some zayne material because i love my mans zayne just as much as sylus if not a bit more. i feel like he doesnt get enough love fr.

okay byyyyyee hopefully this was good.

please credit me if you share this story

[kentokrazy]

a/n: i blame tiktok and mitski

toji x platonic!teen!oc...? maybe?

heating packs and chocolate bars

warnings: grief, arrogance, toji things

toji isn't sure what a girl like her is doing here.

it's dark, dirty and smells like piss'n'shit. there's a familiar weight on his chest the longer he stares at the curled up mass. it's a warm lump that cradles inbetween his ribs and heart, giggles like a newborn memory that's faded around the edges, accompanied with messy black hair and teary eyes.

but it's not his problem. so he ignores the alleyway and heads for his original destination. with what little yen he budgeted he figured he can at least scrape together an instant meal everyday until his next bounty.

its a rainy day, one that makes him think about a salty, hearty broth that he used to sip when dark clouds like this locked him inside and under cozy blankets. but now he tugs a thin, scratchy jacket over his head and keeps his hands in his pockets.

head tipped when he enters the convenience store his feet drag him towards the shitty little discounted corner. his stomach rumbles and gurgles just at the sight of the crappy almost expired meals. at one time he might've chosen more carefully, inspected and decided what he wanted back before he knew real hunger, but today he grabs the cheapest option and heads for the register.

settled behind an older woman, a small huddle of girls he waits. his shoulders leans against the shelving next to him and his head focused on the ground.

his mind is gnawing. his fingers loosely grasping a bottle of water and wound around the cup. there's a pecking in the back of his brain that slowly molds into a static alarm clock. routine slowly cracking and hatching from the tucked away tomb of repetition that he was once accustomed too.

he finds himself staring at the candy bars, chocolate specifically. one that he had bought many times on days like these and ones that he had tried to forget about in these shitty little stores. his hand flexes in its pocket, muscle memory desperate to grab the sugary little bar, but he cements it in his pocket and turns his head away.

the older lady slowly hobbles away from the counter and the girls all shuffle together to replace her. toji doesn't move, allowing himself a moments leisure.

his eyes whether absentmindedly or or their own accord have focused on the heating pads on the other side of the register. its a cold day, one that marks the start of winter. it brings him a bitter thought and his lip curls.

winter, why was winter such a heavy thought?

oh... oh that's right... that's why.

the snow will fall, itll be cold, wet and christmas, fucking christmas. he'll spend it in some shitty motel, watching a stupid movie and downing himself in booze. then after it'll wash away and begin to fertilize the soil for spring. rebirth and all that bullshit.

someone had told him once, a few years ago... maybe four or so. that he'd become a different man, he'd change. he laughed in behind their back at that point, because toji fushiguro doesn't change.

why change for a world that doesn't change for him?

especially one that continuously reminded him of his failures, mistakes and naive illusions. he had learned early in life that his world-which differed from most- that he had to become greedy, selfish and arrogant. so he tromped through life that way, fought against curses, devils and moronic assholes. became something they couldn't tame and mold.

until he didn't.

because he had something that didn't want to change him, didn't want to manipulate or use him to be something they needed, just what he could be. accepted him and all his selfish, arrogant thoughts.

why is he back here again?

he stares into the mass on the floor, laying so still he could've been fooled into thinking that they had passed in his short separation. but his eyes aren't like any other bystanders. his were used for something like this, a couple of years ago. standing at a doorway and staring into a much smaller mass that laid like this, watching and waiting to catch a sudden breath or change in pulse. but there isn't one and so he steps into the bedroom... no alleyway. he steps into the alleyway and approaches, careful to lighten his footsteps and not to jostle the bag twisted in his grasp.

she smells like shit, but what else is she supposed to smell like? sleeping somewhere like this.

toji wonders for a few moments what a girl like this is doing here, again. discarded and left to take care of herself, kinda like him.

he's been here before, just not in this same damp place. the place he was before was warm, soft and neat. it was carefully crafted and tenderly protected. it's not brutal like this and toji thinks for a moment that he's glad it wasn't.

she's not alone this time. slimy and wiggling, the dark green curse is slithering towards her? greedily getting ready to feed off her misery. his kick is reflexive, sending the little shit back down the alley and against a wall, splattering into a disgusting mess on the brick.

what was it that they said that make him snicker? why does it feel so loud now?

he sets the bag against her back and tugs his hoodie back over his head. he leaves her in the alleyway, hands back in his pockets and a scowl on his face.

why does she always have to be right? he thinks to himself. he kicks a rock across the road and shakes his head, small smile on his lips as the warm feeling from his heart spreads towards the locked away tomb.

he can hear her laughter, somewhere deep in him. he can hear it like he hears an old song, and with it the melody is a baby laughing.

"you're going to change," she had told him. "once you're a father, you won't go back," she had said it so affectionately, with an undertone of teasing. she cradled her protruding gut with such tenderness, eyes humored and that beautiful skin filled with a golden hue. he remembered how the snow was falling that early december day, their christmas tree already up. he had rolled his eyes when she said it. but again, she had always been right.

[biggestsimponhere]

Taking care of you - Steve Murphy x Reader, Prompt - “Did you put this blanket here?” , I gave connie a wife so she’s not lonely since we’re stealing steve from her, now you may ask why didn’t just write her out and the answer is because i love her 😭 IDC IF ANYTHING IS OOC BECAUSE I JUST WANT TO HOLD HIM AND TELL HIM ITLL BE OKAY AND HES GONNA LET ME.

It was a typical group hangout, your friends, alcohol, some terrible movie you, steve and connie didn’t understand but would still laugh at. You were way too many drinks in because you all had a day off tomorrow. “Okay, we’re turning in for the night” Connie said standing and pulling Maeve up with her. “Really? You have to leave?” You said looking up at her with a pleading look. “Yes, i have a shift tomorrow, are you ready to go? or do you want one of the boys to take you home” She said picking up your hands. “I’ll stay, get home safe okay?” You said leaning up to hug her and Maeve. “We will, love you” and then she was gone.

Now with just you, javi and steve, which with javi practically passed out it was really only you and steve. “Do you want me to change this?” He said pointing to the movie you guys haven’t been watching. “I don’t know, whatever you want” You said leaning against him. “Are you tired?” He said smiling at you. “No, no, you can change it if you want” Your words slurred together. “Alright” He stood to change the movie and once he’d finally found one he turned it on and then turned back to you. Only to find you sleeping peacefully where he was just sat. He reached over to the loveseat and pulled the blanket off the back.

After laying it over you to make sure you didn’t get cold he sat there for a moment just looking at you. He bent down to make sure the blanket was properly tucked in and then he kissed your forehead and turned to walk back to his room. You woke up after hearing someone walk around in the kitchen. As you sat up a blanket pooled around your waist. Looking towards the kitchen you recognized steve standing there. He didn’t see you till he turned back around. “Oh i’m sorry, did i wake you?” He said walking towards you. “No you didn’t,” You lied not needing to add more to whatever is keeping him up. “What time is it?” You asked looking for the clock.

“It’s 3am, you should go back to sleep, or i can walk you to yours” He said sitting next to you. “Oh no, i’m fine here” You said giving him a tired smile. “Did you put this blanket on me?” You said moving closer to him. “Yeah, i didn’t want you to get cold” He said shyly. “Thank you” You said wrapping your arms around him. “It’s no problem” He said leaning into you. “Why are you up?” You said pulling away slightly. “I had a nightmare” He said quietly. “Why didn’t you wake me up?” You said pulling him back into you. “I didn’t want to wake you” He mumbled into your neck. “Steve, you can always wake me up” You said burying your face in his neck.

“Do you want to go back to sleep? You can sleep in my bed, i’ll take the couch” He said pulling away. “Don’t be ridiculous steve, i’m not gonna make you sleep on the couch in your own home” You said laying back into the couch. “You’re not sleeping on the couch” Steve said pulling you up. “Well you’re not either. We can just share the bed, We’ve had to before” You smiled remembering the time you had to stay in a single at the hotel. “Are you sure?” He said following you down the hall. “Positive” You said pulling him down onto the bed with you.

Once you were both laying in the bed, you were both settled in very uncomfortable positions trying not to touch. After five minutes of not being able to sleep you gave up. “Steve?” You said turning towards him. “Yeah?” He said as he turned towards you. “Will you hold me” You asked moving toward him. He didn’t say anything just pulled you into his arms. A much more comfortable position. “Goodnight” You whispered against his chest. You assumed he was already asleep because he didn’t answer, but he was awake. He waited till you fell asleep to say it back. “Goodnight, I love you” He whispered against your head before drifting off.

[lotitheism]

Is there a reason you chose the bugs you did or was it like a pick what was pleasing to the design

answering this before i clock into work but YES there is !!!! this is going to be pretty long since i have genuine thought out reasons so Bare With Me

there’s not specifics for species but for the specific bugs as a whole i rely a lot on symbolism for each individual character. you’ll find a lot of intentional symbolism in my art with insects and flowers and things just mostly because i find it fun.

moon’s choice for a ladybug came pretty easy to me just considering she already has red incorporated into her design with her marking and i thought it was neat. ladybugs very frequently symbolize protection and good luck. thought it was fitting.

pebbles i knew i wanted to be a pill bug. pill bugs are isopods and not insects which is why it’s called the arthropoda au and NOT the insecta au like originally planned. i wanted this and because him being able to curl up like that seemed fitting and also because hes just like me for real and so has the horrid hpd-bpd combo for days . anyways.

pill bugs are for new beginnings, hope, and change. the arthropoda au is set shortly after the end of the rivulet campaign and thus after pebbles collapses and though it WILL end happy i do want to say that pebbles has. Issues. and needs to get over himself to a degree . he’s gonna be a bit screwed up for a bit though. its fine itll be fine hooray for nsh

speaking of nsh… ouuu he was hard. i genuinely had trouble with him and in the end i had to go steadfast with beetle imagery. i briefly considered a deathwatch beetle due to its ties in folklore which you can read about here if you want ? but ultimately i ended up with a figeater beetle because Green. thematically i think if i’d gone with a deathwatch beetle at all it would’ve been given to sliver of straw. beetles in general however (unless they have other symbolic ties that disregard this) are typically for change and life’s essence, which i felt was fitting for nsh’s role in thw arthropoda au.

butterflies are a mixed bag due to their ties with both death and life as well as change and growth. there’s a lot of different meanings so i ended up cherry picking with seven red suns on this? but i went with the themes of hope, freedom and love. choosing a mourning cloak butterfly was actually a Process because initially it’d been a peacock butterfly. then i switched to a blue morpho because i find their intentional by design flight patterns incredibly interesting (and the underlining theme of difference and isolation that all the iterators seem to face) but mourning cloak was more fitting, considering how srs seems to be.

a dragonfly for unparalleled innocence seemed the most fitting. especially a butterfly dragonfly considering the previously mentioned mixed bag of butterfly meanings in relation to death (death of the relationships around her in her case) . part of the reason i chose dragonflies is because of the “devil’s darning needles” thing, which is derived from the superstition that dragonflies may sew up the eyes, ears or mouth of a sleeping child, usually one that has misbehaved. and i just …………… hough, you know? i also like the irony of the general symbolism of dragonflies being adaptability because of her respective role in the arthropoda au.

i know sos was lined up before grey wind but i want to do them first because there’s a bit more to say about sos.

anyways. moths are ALSO a mixed bag and similarly to butterflies they frequently have ties to life and death and change due to their life cycles. moths are usually associated with death more often than butterflies are (which was always odd to me, since butterflies are known to be attracted to dead organisms to drink the fluid from them) , but i didn’t touch on these with grey wind. instead i went for a less conventional theme from moths which is wisdom and self-knowledge. again a play into their role in this au.

FINALLY we get to sliver of straw and … ho boy.

first off cicadas represent resurrection, immortality, and spiritual realization. pretty sure there’s also spiritual ecstasy in there too. this is very much something tied to sos in this au. i’d argue that it ends up as a theme with a lot of fix-its involving sliver but considering the fact i’m not horrifically far into the world of rain world fix-its i couldnt tell you for absolute certain. i Will say that that is certainly a theme here though! more in a philosophical, metaphorical way than anything literal, but i think if you look at it the right way it’d be literal. there’s a reason its slugcat colony has lived and prospered the way it has.

you might have to bear with me because i don’t know how many people are into chinese mythology or enjoy religious symbolism in the same way i do but part of the cicada choice was influenced by the golden cicada. my mythos knowledge is a little rough because my hyperfixation has came and went and i’ve still been combing through fengshen yanyi instead of anything else for the past half year so pardon if my information given is rough and PLEASE correct me if im flat out wrong but.

if you know the journey to the west you’re most likely at least vaguely familiar with it. the golden cicada is considered an “antagonist” as it showed disrespect towards the buddha-fa. as such it ended up banished to the mortal world as punishment and had to suffer 10 incarnations in a row. one of these such incarnations was the monk tang sanzang, or tripitaka, who was the monk that travelled in the journey to the west. y’know, with sun wukong. jttw is arguably one of the most influential pieces of media i’d say considering its long standing effect on modern media even to this day and considering my adoration for religious symbolism and insects also i really Don’t think it’s a surprise that this ended up being my reason for the robot regarded as a messiah for Literally Dying in canon is a cicada.

if you got this far thank you for listening to my autism rant . i have literally 3 minutes until work but i appreciate that . heart. if asked to elaborate on anything here i WILL as long as it isnt arthropoda lore. if it is will simply grin and say something silly and be intentionally obtuse

[kadywicker]

also I had them mark down my name as james at panera today so that was nice

[simpsiren]

lee taeyong x reader

description. I liked Lee Taeyong. A lot. And with every book I gave him, whatever purposes, I hid a love letter in between its pages. After all this time, I still wonder if Taeyong has yet to read even one of them.

Tsundoku— buying books and not reading them; letting books pile up unread on shelves, floors, or nightstands.

genre. fluff, angst, love letters!au, friends to lovers!au, one-sided love! au, bartender!taeyong, university student!reader

word count. 12.4k~

warnings. none!

a/n. was randomly scrolling through printerest when i found this word and suddenly this idea popped up in my headd. i had to change the meaning of the word so tha itll fit the story line better but the overall meaning is the same sooo. anyways that’s all i got for you now please enjoyy!

Books. An interest both Taeyong and I shared since college. Though our interest laid in the same object, our uses for it were far from the same. For me, it’s for reading. Like how it should be used, its main purpose. Like any other bookworm, constantly having my head shoved in romance or fantasy novels. Taeyong on the other hand, he... he uses it as decoration. Something that to him, should be kept on shelves, unread for display purposes.

I got to find out quite quickly that it was a habit for him to collect books that had nice spines just so he could place them on his shelves. I’ve been to his home once. One entire wall was just shelves filled with books. It was aesthetically pleasing indeed, but it disappointed me that he didn’t even bother to read a single one. So we made an agreement that I’d read his books. If he were to buy a new one, he’d let me read it first before tucking it away to never be pulled out again. I guess that’s why my friendship with him worked so well.

Taeyong decided to work as a bartender after college while I, went to pursue my studies with university. Should say that I regretted that on-impulse decision of mine nowadays.

It’s Friday. I just got out of university, at one in the morning. What an ungodly hour, considering that my classes started at nine this morning. I agreed to meet Taeyong at his bar. Luckily for me, the distance between school and the bar wasn’t far. Taeyong took me as a factor into consideration while trying out jobs around the school’s area, just so he’d get to meet me more often. That, was one of the million reasons why I fell for him.

I dragged my feet across the side walk, the screeching of my boots scraping against the rough surface. As much as I tried to hold up my posture during my long trip there (it felt like I’ve been walking forever when really, it has only been ten minutes), my back slowly slouched with each step till I was fully slouching. The extremely poor and back paining kind. Can’t blame me. University is mentally draining, but physically as well, having to walk to different classes constantly that’s being situated on opposite ends of the facility. It’s a workout.

I looked up to take a breather, seeing the glowing sign above the bar. I gazed down, to the glass windows, noticing how there was a lot of people in there. Well, it’s a Friday night afterall. I placed my free hand onto the door’s handle, pushing it open and entering.

Classical music played in the background. People’s murmurs could be heard as they had their own conversations. The place was dimly lit with an orange hue; a calming atmosphere. I went right up to the bar, getting on an empty cushioned stool and adjusting my butt onto it. I looked around the area. Taeyong wasn’t to be seen. I only assumed that he was making drinks.

I took out my book from my tote bag, flipping to the page where I folded it’s edge to continue where I left off. I was already two third done with it. And I was determined to finish it by Monday just so that I could get a new book to read.

My head was faced down, eyes scanning each sentence as I blocked out the entire world, putting myself in my own little bubble as I imagined myself in the story’s plot, too immersed to give a single care for my surroundings.

Suddenly, a hand appeared beside me, tapping its knuckles against the wood to get my attention. I lifted my eyes up, seeing Taeyong standing in front of me. White button up shirt, three buttons unhooked, revealing the slightest bit of his collarbones in a way to tease you and having the urge to see them fully. Black dress pants with a belt that cinched on his waist, framing his lower body beautifully.

“Literally called you from two steps away and you didn’t hear any of it.” Taeyong leaned against the counter, elbows supporting him as his face got close to mine. “I was busy.” I said, lifting up my book slightly. “You done with that? I need to put a new book on the shelve soon. It bugs me that there’s an empty spot.” Taeyong shivered as he mentioned that, making me chuckle softly.

“By Monday, I promise.”

“Need anything to drink? You look worn out.” Taeyong eyed me up and down. I probably looked terrible since Taeyong scrunched up his nose and shook his head. “You know I don’t drink. I mean I can, but it’s still the school term. I can’t afford getting off track by anything.”

Taeyong breathed a short laugh in response. “Ah of course. Didn’t you say you wanted to dropout just yesterday?” Taeyong looked up for a moment before bringing his eyes back down on me with a teasing gaze. My mind went back to yesterday when I texted Taeyong a long ranting paragraph about how stressed I was this week. I frowned. “Should I?”

Taeyong bobbed his shoulder. “It’s up to you. But I sincerely think you should. I mean look at you.” He added a light scoff at the end, his hand going up and down in front of me. “I’m just worried.” He proceeded to shift his weight form one leg to the other, sliding his fingers into the pocket of his pants. I felt his sense of sincerity, invariably imbued. Another reason why I fell for him. He’s always caring, too caring for his own good, especially towards me.

“Will think about it.” I mumbled, taking note of my book’s page number since I was too lazy to fold it before closing and shoving it back into my tote bag. “Anyways, when are you getting off work?”

Taeyong turned around to grab something. I realised it was his wallet and phone as he shoved the wallet into his back pocket and kept his phone in his hand. “Right now.” He flashed his smile. The signature smile. One he has on ninety percent of the time, at least around me. It was unique. A smile that only suited him and not anyone else. He owned it . Like he should. Yet another reason why I fell for him.

I got off the stool as he went around the counter that had the space in between for staffs to pass through. “Want me to drive?” He asked as we made our way to the door. I shook my head. “You had a long day. Just go home.” I kindly rejected. I bowed my head as he opened the door for me. A gentleman; adding onto the long list.

“You had an even longer one. I don’t care. It’s late too. I can’t let you walk home alone.” I laughed weakly, waiting for him outside as he closed the door. As we make our way to Taeyong’s car, he whispered, “Sleep straight when you get home, okay?” He opened the car door for me. I nodded, “Yes father.” I dragged on.

The car ride home was silent. Completely silent. There wasn’t even music playing in the background. I had my eyes fixed on the view out of the window, too scared to look at Taeyong as I can’t bare to look at him long enough before I melt on sight.

My apartment came to view after the many trees and street lights we drove past. The car pulled to a halt and I turned to Taeyong, who was suddenly up close to me, one hand looming over my chest as he reached for the seatbelt. I possibly stopped breathing. His eyes looked into mine, expressionless. I couldn’t even blink I was that shocked. “Sorry. I thought you were sleeping.”

Taeyong pulled back to his seat. I exhaled sharply. I looked to the seatbelt. He didn’t unbuckle it. I huffed quietly and did it myself, sliding my tote bag onto my shoulder. “Remember. Sleep right away.” He advised a second time as I make my way out of the car, slamming the car door shut.

Before I turned around, he rolled down the window, leaning forward slightly. “And my book!” He shouted. I placed two fingers up my head and pointed it back at it as a way to say, “Yes sir.” Before swirling around and walking away, his car’s engine starting up and driving away. The noise was quick to get muffled and go away as he drove further out of the neighborhood.

The hours of studying I had to do at home went by quick. Before I even knew it, I didn’t sleep that night at all. Unfortunately, I didn’t listen to Taeyong. I had assignments to complete by Monday for God’s sake. I’ve come to terms with the fact that the number of times I’ve pulled all-nighters are now inhumane.

I checked the time on my clock. 5:05AM. I sighed, looking across my study table that’s pilled with worksheets and my opened laptop. I nodded my head as I made the mental decision of finally cleaning up as I rechecked to see if I’ve left any work undone before beginning to stack the papers and shoving them into my tote bag. The only thing left on the table was a stack of decorative papers, with beautiful outlines of red roses around the edges.

I slid one paper off the stack, placing it in front of me. I grabbed a random pen from my organiser, clicking it as I swirled it around, trying to figure out what to write.

Hey taeyong. This is my 127th love letter, confession letter, whatever you would call it. I’m not sure if you’ve read any of them. My last note was in ‘It Ends with Us’. I find that you aren’t giving any reaction or anything. I know you don’t read the books but do you even bother flipping through its pages for the letter to fall out? I’m still hoping you’d at least open this one. Please. I’ve been waiting for ages. For you. I like you, Lee Taeyong, for the 127th time.

I placed my pen back to where it belonged before holding the note in my hand, lifting it up to my face. I bit my bottom lip before opening my book, randomly opening a page and placing the note in, making sure it’s secured before putting that into my tote bag as well. Too lazy to even get into my bed, I fell asleep uncomfortably at the table.

It was now Sunday. I almost forgot the fact that I’m meeting Taeyong today to pass him the book, which to be honest, I didn’t finish. The book was boring. It was like those books that you force yourself through so you wouldn’t feel the regret of buying it. Though I used Taeyong’s money, I still felt bad for leaving it unread. I wasn’t like Taeyong at least.

While thumbing through my closet to find something to wear after showering, my eyes stopped at the sweater that Taeyong borrowed me not too long ago because I was dumb enough to meet him at two in the morning without a jacket. I was frozen stiff due to the cold.

Absentmindedly, I took it off its hanger and brought it close to my chest, dipping my head down as I deeply inhaled, Taeyong’s scent was still on there. I put it on and continued getting ready.

Just when I was done placing my valuables in my sling bag, the doorbell rang. Thinking it was the mailman, I rushed to the door with immense speed. I opened the door forcefully. But instead of the mailman, I was met with Taeyong standing in front of me. We locked eyes for a split second, which made my heart leap. I then eyed him up and down. He was wearing his usual all black outfit. Shirt, jeans, and boots. I liked how the plain and simple outfit was able to cup his body well, accentuate all his body features. It always made me swoon for him.

“What are you doing here?” I noticed how Taeyong kept eyeing his sweater that’s on me despite his attempts at trying to remain eye contact with me. “I thought of just letting you give me the book now and spend the day here. Can I?” No wonder he wore a regular outfit.

“So I dressed up for nothing?” I feigned my exasperation, folding my arms as I cocked an eyebrow, huffing ever so softly. Taeyong followed my poster one on one. “And wearing my sweater is called dressing up? How lovely.” It was now his turn to fire back, which made me frown. “Whatever.” I gave in, turning around to head back to my room.

I heard the door closing as Taeyong’s footsteps were quick to follow closely behind, maybe due to the large steps he took with his long legs. As I entered my room, Taeyong lets out a hum of satisfaction. “Your shelve’s looking good. More full than last time.” He complimented. I took a seat at the study table as he made his way to seat at the edge of my bed. “Mhm.” I softly answered.

With the remembrance of what he came here for, I grabbed my tote bag and fished out for the book. I then toss it onto the bed beside Taeyong, not speaking a word as I jerked my head to it. “Thanks. You read fast.” Taeyong held the book in his hand. Open it, open it. Oh God why can’t he just find the damn note I placed there?

“No I don’t. It’s just that the book was extremely boring for my liking.” I stated, matter-of-factly. Taeyong examined the book, quickly turning it over to read the synopsis. “Ew.” He mumbled.

“It was only good at first. The ending sucked.” I added on to my complains. “By the way...” Taeyong trailed on. I wonder what he wanted to ask. Was it something about the book? About the notes?

“I’ve been thinking I should read one of the books.” I folded my arms with arrogance, slouching into the chair as I tilted my head, the side of my lip lifted up slightly. “So after more than four years I was able to reel you in to read your first book?” I questioned, sounding smug.

Taeyong let out an annoyed ‘tsk’. “I find ‘If I never met you’ interesting, okay? Let me be.” Taeyong pouted and folded his arms, turning his head away from my direction. I stood up, walking to the bed and plopping myself down which made the two of us bounce up and down of a moment. “It’s cute how you’re a newbie to reading.” I made up an excuse when really what I found cute was how Taeyong acted. It made me blush a bright pink. It was probably extremely noticeable when Taeyong suddenly mentioned, “Did I make you so proud that you’re now blushing?” Taeyong teased, a giggle following after.

“Oh shut up.”

Lee Taeyong. This is the 128th letter. I still remember the first one I wrote. Feeling so hopeful and acting like a little girl that’s too shy to confess up front. I’m still like that. Yet to physically hint at you about my feelings. I can only express them like this, through notes that could all end up being meaningless if you’ve never looked at them. I’ll come by your house today. I’ll probably slide it in between books instead of pages. I long for your love, the kind that’s much more than that of a friend. I’ve been holding on for so long. Perhaps too long. But it’s okay, you’re Lee Taeyong. I won’t let the feelings I’ve bottled up for years go to waste. I’ll do something... soon. Yes, soon.

Later that day, I made my way to Taeyong’s house. I asked him to stay at home so that I could surprise him by coming over. But the reaction that I expected from him was way too predictable.

“You could’ve just told me to pick you up!” Taeyong whined. There he goes again being way too caring. Stop it. It’s hurting me.

“It’s not that troubling to travel, Yong. Calm the heck down! It’s really nothing.” I shouted back, reassurance being imbued into each word. He made way for me to enter. And as I did, I walked slowly, long strides to the living room where the large bookshelf was placed. The one that covered the entire wall. Well, almost, since he made space for the television. Other than that, it was just books surrounding it.

“Wait.” I turned around sharply. I realised that my sudden action made Taeyong stop in his tracks instantly. But he was close to me. Way too close for my own good. We stayed there for a moment, exchanging blank stares while I took the time to remember this moment; my heart stopping, his tall figure looming over me, his eyes looking into mine as if he’s trapping me in his gaze. Moments like these happen often. And I’d often take the time to remember them, shoving them into a mental folder called ‘Head over heels for TY’.

“Sit down. I’ll... get the cheesecake.” Taeyong was the first to back out, taking a step away from me and chuckling awkwardly. He quickly turned away after avoiding my eyes and rubbing the back of his neck. He looked nervous. But why? If I have seen it correctly, it looked like his cheeks were ever so slightly red as well. What even...

I shook my head vigorously, throwing those thoughts out of my mind. I sat down on the brown leather couch, leaning back and allowing my body to sink into it. Somehow, the thoughts crept back in. I thought about how what I observed just now could not have been real. It’s Lee Taeyong. Hundreds of girls are always hitting on him at the bar during his shift. He might even be seeing someone. Wait why am I even saying that to myself? I’d end up feeling jealous with no real reason. Great, you’re a dumb one indeed.

I felt Taeyong’s weight beside me. I looked up from the table, realising now that I was in a trance of my own thoughts, and to the cheesecake that he placed down. He leaned forward to cut a slice, placing it on a small plate as he placed the fork down beside it and handed it to me. “Here. Bought it especially for your brain recovery, and cravings. You’re period came, right?”

My eyes widened. My brows furrowed and got closer to each other as I backed my head away in surprise. “How’d you even know?” I asked shockingly. Taeyong lets out a chuckle, bringing his plate up and taking a bite. “I know you long enough to know that your period’s consistent and is usual around this time. But I was just taking my chances. I know you’d still eat the cheesecake either way.” Taeyong flashed a cheeky smile.

I knew he was extremely considerate towards me. He’d always advise me to take breaks, giving me a shoulder to lean on when I need rest, coming over to comfort me till sunrise whenever I texted him a ‘feel depressed lmao.’ He’s always on standby, ready to assist me when I need him, for whatever reason. Even if he wasn’t there, he was somehow able to choreograph his silent dance of support. But I never knew he was this meticulous to take note of my habits, my favourite food and even my period. He knew everything about me at the back of his hand. He really does make me feel some type of way. Perhaps a feeling far beyond love. An unknown feeling that only I could experience since it’s Taeyong. It’s always him. Always have been, and always will be.

I grabbed a big bite, scooping it in my mouth and moaning out dreamily, letting myself sink into the cheesecake and its flavours like a bath. “Fuck this is good. Where’d you get it?” I questioned with immense curiosity. I was genuinely curious. Because I’d love to get more.

Taeyong raised both his brows, his lips forming a thin line as he gave a slightly awkward or nervous cheeky smile. I couldn’t quite tell. “I made it.” He whispered. “No way!” I instantly take another bite, this time with Taeyong in mind. I mean, he already was from the moment he gave me the plate, but with now knowing that he was the one that made it? It suddenly tasted a thousand times better.

“Fucking bake more! Why haven’t I known that you can bake?!” I screamed with excitement. I finished the first slice, now on my way to tackle a second. Taeyong laughed hilariously at my reaction. “Is it that good? It’s my first time trying the recipe.”

“I know you cook like you’ve cooked for me many times but what the heck you should to do this more often. I’d eat it whole.” I squealed as I savoured the cheesecake’s flavours.

“If it’s for you then I’d gladly do it.”

Once again I felt the kindness and love through his voice and tone that’s ever so sweet and gentle. I’d imagine that this was how angels sounded like. Taeyong has always been able to put me at instant peace with just his words alone. Be it through the phone or in person. I always felt calm and protected.

It amazed me just what love could do to you. Everything they do now seemed perfect and beautiful, you blind yourself with their beauty and everything that’s good in them. In Taeyong’s case, I’ve never seen the bad side of him, shockingly enough. I’ve been friends with him for more than five years yet there wasn’t any argument between us that made a major impact on our relationship, if you don’t count those when I wouldn’t talk to him for only one day but we’d be able to act normal after.

We ended up spending the evening watching Netflix. We’ve been through two movies now. The cheesecake was now fully finished as well, down to its crumbs. “Want me to cook dinner?”

“I’m fine with anything.” I blinked my eyes once and a soft smile appeared on my lips. Taeyong hummed softly and nodded his head as he made his way to the kitchen, the sound of his slippers can be heard as he shuffled away.

I laid down on the couch, using my phone. A thought suddenly popped in my mind. I instantly peeked my head above the back rest, seeing Taeyong’s back in view as his body swayed slowly by the stove. His sleeves were rolled up to his elbows. He ran a hand through his hair. How can a man look this... amazing. I can’t think of any other ways to describe Taeyong at that moment. Boyfriend material? Stunning? Breathtaking? All of the above.

As much as I wanted to stare at his figure, I had another agenda I had to accomplish before getting back to it. I rose from the couch, slowly and quietly, taking the note out of my sling bag. I walked up to the overwhelmingly large bookshelf. I scanned it carefully, trying to figure out where to place it.

“What are you doing?” I turned instantly at Taeyong’s voice. He was a few steps away from me, two plates of pasta in his hands. He turned around to place them on the table.

I took this chance to quickly slide the note into the shelve. One edge of the note was sticking out. Shit. It wasn’t obvious but it’s still there. I didn’t have any time to adjust it when Taeyong faced his body back to me.

“Just looking. The fact that I’ve read all these books... I’m such a bookworm for reading this much.”

“That’s what I like about you.” I was eyeing the pasta when Taeyong blurted that out. It was quick and soft, I couldn’t make out the words. I could only infer. “What?” I asked purposely, just to see if he’ll answer.

“It’s nothing.” Taeyong shoved a spoonful of pasta into his mouth, adverting his gaze on anything else but me.

I thought about how weird he was acting. It’s the first time I’m noticing that Taeyong’s been acting... wary, cautious of his every move around me. Just as I thought about how he’s clueless and delusional about my feelings for him, it could have been the same for me.

Luckily (Thank the Gods kind of lucky), classes ended early today. And Taeyong told me to meet him at his dance studio. For what reason? I wasn’t actually sure. I headed there, passing by the many other practice rooms till I saw the number that Taeyong told me. I opened the door, seeing Taeyong and two other guys I’m unfamiliar with. All of them turned their heads to me in unison, Taeyong blinding me with a bright smile while the others looked to each other with confusion.

“You came!” Taeyong squealed, running up to me and hugging my tightly. He was extremely sweating. I would try to push him away, but he probably wouldn’t let go and let me suffocate. Thankfully, he didn’t and pulled away, grabbing my wrist and dragging me to the other two guys.

“Ten, Mark. This is my friend, _____. I wanted her to come so that we’ll have an audience to show our piece.” Taeyong explained to them freely as he pointed to Ten and Mark respectively, an arm swung around my shoulders. I bowed my head amicably with a smile while they did the same. “You never told me you have a girlfriend, Taeyong.” Ten teased, lightly punching Taeyong’s chest. I couldn’t help but blush a light pink. I swallowed and looked up to him, who had a nervous and shy face on, which I didn’t expect at all.

“We’re best friends, please.” Taeyong denied, no hesitation whatsoever. In my head I wanted to frown but I had to keep a smile on.

“Hey, Ten. Wanna get Starbucks?” Mark suddenly asked, looking at him with a wicked grin as if he’s hinting to Ten about something. Ten was quick to respond, nodding his head with affirmation. “Yeah. I’m thirsty. You should just stay here with her. Need js to get anything?” Ten trailed on while the two of them began to take their wallets out of their bags that were at the back of the practice room.

“You guys are really going all the way to Starbucks that’s a fifteen minute walk from here?” Taeyong asked, extremely shocked. I did walk past Starbucks on my way here, and it is indeed extremely far. What the heck were they trying to do by leaving so abruptly?

“Eh it’s fine. Well we’ll leave you to it! Peace!” And just like that, Ten and Mark have left and it was now just me and Taeyong. The two of us turned to each other and chuckled at the same time. “Come on show me your dance!”

“It’s a duet that I’m doing with Ten. Can’t dance if he’s not here.” I looked up for a moment, thinking. “Dancer by day. Bartender by night. That’s Lee Taeyong.” I spread my hands out with jiggling my fingers as if showing a rainbow and mimicking stars. Taeyong laughed and shoved his hands into his pockets. “Broke university student by day, author by night. That’s _____.”

I looked at him weirdly, eyes narrowing at him as I furrowed my brows. “How am I an author?”

“Eh I just assume you’re one since you’re such a bookworm.” Taeyong fakely rolled his eyes but flashed a cheeky smile after. I smiled back and got closed to him, both hand resting on my hips as I rested my weight on one leg. “So what are we gonna do mister dancer?” I asked with the tone of a child, making me laugh after from how ridiculous I sounded.

Taeyong proceeded to take my tote bag off my shoulder, putting it off to the side with the other bags while he grabbed his phone and went to Spotify. “Let’s dance.” He suggested with confidence. He played a song. It’s one of my favourites. A song that didn’t make me think twice to bob my head to, which I instantly did. “I haven’t danced in years and you know that.”

Specifically, it was six years ago. I used to dance in highschool as extra curricular thing. But in college I started to dance less frequently, and my dance friends and I slowly grew distant. But I was okay with it. I mean, it’s life. The world still had to spin no matter the situation.

“Come on I know you have it in you. Just vibe.” Taeyong swayed his shoulders up and down slowly, grooving to the beat as his whole body began to work its magic, his dancing was at the level of professional ones. I never know why he didn’t want to pursue dance as a career and became a bartender instead.

I slowly moved my body in a weird way. Not dancing for years, your body is bound to be uncomfortable and you’d be looking weird as you move. Which was definitely me. Taeyong laughed at me, making me frown and stopped dancing. He huffed with a smile and held both my hands. Instantly, my legs and body moved in sync with his. It felt amazing dancing with Taeyong. It was fun and carefree. I could dance as stupidly as I want and even though Taeyong could pull off the best dance moves, he’d still choose to dance stupidly along with me. He was able to serve himself as a guidance as I found my groove and vibe that I didn’t have in me for a long time.

When the music stopped, Taeyong’s hands where on my waist, while I had mine on his arms. We turned to the mirror and giggled, throwing out heads back happily.

“You still got it.”

“Make sure to find the ones with pretty spines.”

Taeyong and I decided to head to bookstores today for our monthly book shopping. And while I was carefully reading the synopsis of books that had an interesting title, Taeyong was busy examining their cover pages and the aesthetics, mostly the spine.

“Have you started on the book you told me about?” I asked, flipping the book I just took out to its first chapter to get a feel of the writer’s writing style. “I have, actually.” My head shot to him instantly. He’s read the book. But I remembered putting the note in the back pages of the book. Has he reached there yet? “But I’m a slow reader. And busy. I’m only at the third chapter.”

As much as I was surprised about the fact that he’s speed in reading was extremely slower than what I would consider normal, I couldn’t blame him. He’s body with work most of the time and he has a life to live. Not to mention how it’s the first book he’s actually reading. This is a good example that the gap in terms of our reading abilities are definitely big.

“Liking it so far?” I asked. “Yeah.” Taeyong simply replied as he took a book off the display. “I’m getting this. And these as well.” He giggled like a happy child who’s buying a bunch of toys as birthday present from his parents. He lifted the books up slightly, fiddling around and trying to stack them properly while I closed the book that was in my hands. “I’m just buying this.”

“Seriously? Oh wait nevermind you’re a broke university student.” Taeyong taunted, rolling his eyes. My mouth opened slightly, faking my exasperated as I huffed loudly. “Okay mister bartender. You didn’t have to rub-”

“Oh my God. Taeyong?!”

In unison, the two of us turned around to the noise. A girl was running up to us. The moment she came, she didn’t hesitate to hug Taeyong around his torso. Taeyong chuckled, almost awkwardly and hugged her back.

I took a quick look at them. Their hug made a few things clear to me. One, she’s probably known him for a long time. But if she has, why didn’t Taeyong told me about her before? He shares all his secrets, I pretty much know him from A to Z. So why hasn’t he mention her before? Second, Taeyong was quick to reciprocate the hug, from his awkward form to a loving one. They looked like a couple that hasn’t seen each other in ages; a meaningful reunion.

I wasn’t exactly happy with where this was going. I didn’t like how in an instant, she could simply let herself be in such close proximity with him. I’ve never hugged Taeyong for that long at all. It made me feel a couple of things. Jealousy? Judgmental? Sudden hatred towards her? But why should I? It felt so invalid of me to feel these things.

“It’s been years, Taeyong.” She chuckled happily as they pulled apart. Finally. “Who’s she?” Her finger lifted up to me.

“A friend.” Taeyong answered. Of course, Why did I think I’d be any more than that? Just a friend. We’re just friends. Just.

While they were having a chat about who knows what, I wasn’t exactly paying attention since I simply assumed that it was to catch up with each other. I wondered off to another section of the store. After browsing through a few books, it was then I realised that they weren’t no longer in the store anymore when I got back. They left, Taeyong left. Without telling me. It was my fault for leaving the scene discreetly since I felt like my presence wasn’t needed in their bubble at the time, but why did Taeyong not come find me? Was I... simply forgotten?

I went straight home that day after cashing out the books. I didn’t know where Taeyong went after leaving that that girl, but I didn’t want to act like some busybody who asks something that isn’t her business. I got texts from Taeyong asking if I left yet. Was he planning on returning there after leaving for two hours? He actually expected me to wait. Unbelievable.

After that day, my meetups with him became less frequent. He occasionally replied to my texts. More like one sentence after four or so hours. He still updates his socials. And it was all about her. Photos, videos. They were hanging out together more often. For some reason, it felt like she was a replacement; my replacement. I somewhat distanced myself away from Taeyong thinking, “I assume you don’t need me anymore so I’ll stay out of your way.”

But one day, out of pure curiosity, I decided to follow them to a cafe. Taeyong did text me that he’d be heading there, but I left him on seen. Like I said, I’m slowly removing myself out of his picture.

I sat at the corner of the cafe, black jacket, black cap and large black sunglasses. I looked like a stalker in the eyes of strangers. I mean, I was.

I covered myself further by holding up a book to my face. As I continuously stared at them, I grew bored. Don’t get me wrong, I was feeling negative. I didn’t like how she’s teasingly touching Taeyong’s arm, how they laughed happily together and chatting as if they’re in their own little world. But I started to wonder why I even came here. I did want to see what they’re like. But I’m making myself feel more bad this way.

I decided to write a note. I was done with the book I’m currently holding. All I needed to do was give it to Taeyong. With the note. I took out a random piece of paper from my tote bag, fishing out for a pen as well and began to write.

It’s my 145th letter. Fuck how long am I going to do this? Might sound weird, but I’m currently looking at you. Watching you with her. Why does it feel like you’re happier with her? You’re smiling, laughing more. You’re more brighter. I mean you have always been bright. But you just... radiate differently; a new type of glow I never knew you had. I saw your socials, constantly posting about her. I’m jealous, very. I want to be like that with you. But it just feels wrong, perhaps not right. Like I shouldn’t be craving for you. For your touch, your whispers, giggles. Why do I feel like this? The more you spend time with her, the more I realise that my chances of getting you is slowly slipping away from my grasp. But why can’t I move? Why don’t I want to move? I’m not sure what’s stopping me. And that’s what I’m fearing the most.

I felt my cheeks getting wet. It took me awhile to realise that I was balling my eyes out, slowly and painfully. I took off my sunglasses for a moment to wipe off excess tears before putting them back on. I can’t belive I’m crying. I looked down to the note. A tear fell onto it, a spot crinkled as it left a visible mark of my feelings. Just as I was sniffing, constantly having to wipe my cheeks dry since my tears were getting uncontrollable, I looked out the window. And what stood on the opposite side shocked me.

I knocked on the glass, his head turning quickly. He looked around inside the cafe, not sure of where the signal came from. I knocked once again. He looked down on me and I took off my sunglasses, pulling down my hood.

“Nakamoto Yuta?” I mouthed to him, my lips moving widely so he could read them. His eyes blinked rapidly and he leaned in before widening them after realising who I was. We take a few of the same classes. I see him often in school. But we never really talked. He immediately rushed into the cafe, covering his face as if hiding his identity and running up to my table to take a seat.

“Why were you looking in like some stalker?” I asked, pulling my hood back over my head as I lowered myself, my eyes still fixated on Taeyong.

“You look more like one than I do.” Yuta commented. I notice how he was constantly turning around, specifically to Taeyong’s direction. “You haven’t answered my question.”

“I’m looking at them.” He pointed his finger out ever so slightly. And as I predicted, he was referring to Taeyong and the girl. “You know Taeyong?” I immediately asked, extremely curious as to why he was spying on them just like I was. “No, but I know Jiung.” So that’s her name. Pretty name for a pretty girl. Of course.

“And why are you doing that exactly?” Yuta let out a huff, leaning in with his elbows on the table, his shoulder rising up to his ears. “Because I want to see what they’re on about. I keep seeing her with that Taeyong guy. I like Jiung so I’m jealous.” I puckered my lips and nodded. My face showed as if I shrugged it off. But my mind began turning its gears. So he likes Jiung and he’s jealous of them together? He has the same reason of me coming here as well. What forces swirled around the world for us to come together like this? It’s weird how coincidentally the situation was.

“I actually came for the same reason as you. I like Taeyong, and I’m jealous of Jiung.” I frowned slightly, a sigh leaving my lips. I opened up to him quick about my situation since I felt a sense of similarity with him. He probably wouldn’t remember anyways. It’s not like we’ll be crossing paths in the future.

“Were you crying? Your eyes are hella puffy.” He asked suddenly. I breathed out a laugh awkwardly. I gulped and cleared my throat, thinking that I should shove all my feeling down so I wouldn’t look even more ridiculous in front of Yuta. “Yeah.” I quickly slid the note in between a random page.

“Funny how we met here. For the same reasons. It’s like fate.” I couldn’t agree more. “An idea just came to my mind.” Oh no.

Yuta has always been the class clown, saying out his ideas that were completely mind blowing and far fetched. His way of thinking is... unique, in a funny way. I got somewhat nervous after he said that sentence, you can never guess what he’s thinking about or get a clear grasp of the way he thinks.

“How about we try splitting them up?” I didn’t reply, his words slowly resonating in my mind. He can’t be serious, right? But why am I slowly being persuade by an unknown force?

I have yet to say a word, my eyes still on them as I was deep in thought, wondering about all the possible outcomes of me agreeing and disagreeing, weighing them carefully so that I could make the more beneficial decision.

“Come on. You’ll get to be with Taeyong more. And I’ll have Jiung. Win-win situation, right?”

I sighed, inhaling as my chest puffs up.

“Alright.”

Yuta: How’s it going?

Me: amazingg :D

“Who are you texting?” Taeyong asked, I placed my phone down to the side, screen faced down. “No one.”

This is the sixteenth outing with Taeyong after that day. I was able to spend time with Taeyong a lot more, just like before. And probably just like it should. I’ve seen Yuta posting more often on his Instagram stories, mostly of him and Jiung. Our plan of keeping them apart is working. Though Yuta told me that it was Jiung who’s constantly asking to meet up with Taeyong, he was able to force her to hang out with him instead, giving her no chance whatsoever. It was extremely helpful.

I know this whole situation sounds as if I’m being evil or whatever you call it. But why wouldn’t I accept a chance to be closer to Taeyong?

“Should we head to the carnival after this? Or desserts first? Oh I want to head to that new ice cream shop! Ten said it’s delicious but extremely crowded. I don’t mind waiting since I’ll have you to annoy.” Taeyong rambled on. I laughed happily, taking in this moment. I want to treasure such simple moments like these. I want it to be in a snow globe; something remembered forever.

“Do anything you please, Yong.” I chuckled, flashing an eye smile.

Just then, the bell above the restaurant’s door opened, signalling a new costumer coming in. Taeyong widened his eyes at the door. I tilted my head at his weird action, turning around to see just what made him react that way.

“Jiung?” “Yuta?” The two of us whispered at the same time.

Jiung’s eyes immediately went to Taeyong, her face lighting up at the sight of him as she tried to make her way over. But Yuta stopped her by the shoulders. I now understood what Yuta meant by saying, “She’s so attracted to him.”

While Jiung was struggling to eacape Yuta’s strong grasp, Taeyong was halfway off his seat. I immediately reached a hand to place on his arm. “Where you going?” I asked, faking a smile when in reality I was getting nervous.

“Wanting to say hi to Jiung.” Taeyong was about to alide himself off his seat so I grabbed his arm, trying to stop him in the most natural way possible. “I don’t think you should. She seems busy.” I tugged on his arm slightly, an attempt to get him to sit back down. “But it looks like she’s struggling. I- Wait here.” Taeyong noticed how I was trying so hard to stop him from leaving. He raised a brow and shook my hand off in an instant, his strength powering over my desires.

I followed behind him. Taeyong forcefully removed Yuta away from Jiung and Yuta’s eyes immediately glanced to mine. Both of us sending nervous signals to each other in that split second. “What the hell were you doing to her?” Taeyong growled lowly, his voice and tone suddenly growing dark as he held Jiing’s wrist, his body standing in front of hers as if he’s protecting her.

“I was just getting her out of the restaurant since it’s quite packed.” Yuta awkwardly replied with an excuse. “No you were purposely stopping me from going to Taeyong.” Jiung fought back. I stood there frozen, watching by the sidelines as nervousness started rising in me. Are they going to find out about my plan with Yuta?

“I think it’s just a misunderstanding. You two can go now.” I ripped Taeyong’s tight hold around Jiung’s wrist, dragging him back to stand beisde me. “I just want to chat with Taey-”

“I don’t think that’s necessary. Move along now.” I tried to shove Yuta and Jiung out the door. Taeyong’s hand suddenly gripped onto mine. I looked up instantly.

“Pause. You’re very acting weird. What’s going on?” Taeyong’s voice was raised higher than before. A few people were staring at us. “Nothing...” I whispered, looking down. I was now scared to the bone. I didn’t know what to reply, how to cover it up. It’s gonna have to slip out eventually. At least I was able to be with Taeyong more often.

“Yuta and I planned for you guys to never meet again.” That’s it. It’s all over. With that simple line of confession, the truth was now out. No where left to hide or run. Yuta smacked me on the arm, making me wince. “What the heck?!” He half-shouted in a whisper.

“Are you serious? And for what? Jealous or something?” Taeyong was mad. So mad. And I felt it. I was so scared. I was shivering with every word he said. I gulped, avoiding eye contact with him. I didn’t need to give a reply. My body has said it all. A moment of silence filled with tension circled around us. Suddenly, Taeyong stormed out.

I panicked, immediately going back to the table we were at to grab my belongings and rushed out, wanting to stop Taeyong. I looked around frantically. I spotted him walking down the street on the left. I ran as fast as I could, my hand reaching out for him as I shouted his name countless of times, but he doesn’t respond as if he was deaf.

“Taeyong, please!” I cried out. I finally had his wrist tightly around my fingers. He turned around sharply. He tried to walk away, but I tried harder to grip onto the hem of his sweater tighter. “What?”

I realised at that very moment that I didn’t know what to say. I wanted to stop him, but I never thought of what to do afterwards. I wanted to say “Don’t leave.” But it never left my lips.

I stood there silently, my thumb caressing against the cloth as I bit my lip hard. “Hello?” Taeyong asked, annoyed. That one simple word hit me, right on the heart. It was like an arrow, painfully accurate at where its being shot. Just as how one word from him could light up my day, and one word from him can make it come crashing down as well. His change in tone and mood was quick and intense. I couldn’t stop thinking about being terrified.

I eventually took in a deep breath, opening my tote bag and taking out the book that I have forgotten to give him that day while I was spying on him.

“Here. Have it, as a present.” I brushed a hand down the back of my head, my fingers combing through the ends as I turned around and walked away in the opposite direction after shoving the book to Taeyong’s chest, remembering the note was somewhere in there but I never bothered knowing exactly where.

My breathing started to become unstable. The further I walked away, the urge of falling down to the ground and collapsing became stronger. But I continued walking, telling myself to stay strong the whole way till I reach home. “You can cry on the floor all you want. Just quickly get home now.” I kept whispering to myself, begging my legs to speed up but my wobbly knees were not helping.

I cried that night. Very hard. The whole scene of kept replaying like a movie tape. All I could think about was how mad Taeyong looked. With his voice and eyes. It was a look I’ve never seen on him before. It was like a completely new side of him. The entire opposite of what he usually was. I now realised that he’s one of those “Their all butterflies and rainbows till they get pissed off.” That phrase cannot be any more true in regards to Taeyong.

Every day I tried to meet Taeyong. At the bar, his home, the bookstore. Anywhere he could be. He wasn’t replying to my texts, or calls. He probably blocked me. And on his socials as well. He wasn’t responding to me at all. I got worried sick. Is he never going to talk to me ever again?

Constantly, I mentally slammed my head against an imaginary wall, thinking about how I never thought of this outcome while weighing out the possible aftermath of the decision I made. How could I be so stupid, so reckless?

I eventually gave up trying to get in contact with him. He needed time and space away from me, completely. The hole this made in my heart was deep, like a dried up well with vines that has sharp long thorns growing in them. And every time I thought about Taeyong, I am constantly being pierced by those thorns of regret and agony, pricking deeper into my skin the more I fell deeper.

It was choking me; Taeyong’s absence. I couldn’t breathe at all. I was sinking, gasping for air each time I longed for him. I just wanted him back. I wanted things to get back to normal. I wanted to be us again.

Two months have passed. It was the worst two months of my life. Worst than the exam stress I had for last year’s final project. I had university to worry about on top of Taeyong. I was mentally going through hell. And again, the worst one yet. And it was now that I realised, I’d be much better off having him as a friend than anything less. But I was selfish enough to not treasure it that way, and it’s now finally gone. Completely out of my reach.

One night, I was up. Doing assignments. Nothing’s new. Nothing’s changed. Taeyong has yet to open up to me. I glanced at the clock on my phone, groaning as I let my head fall on the table. I closed my eyes. I was too stressed. The world’s spinning too fast. I needed it to stop for awhile. My brain can’t bear this much.

As if on cue, the door bell rang while I lifted my head off the table. My head slowly turned to my room door. The bell rang again. A few seconds later, it rang yet again. Whoever’s outside was frustrated or something, jamming their fingers on the bell while saying “I’ll keep annoying you till you open this damn door.”

I pushed my chair back and walked over to the door. I looked through the peek hole. Taeyong...? I opened the door. On instinct, I grabbed him by his waist while his body fell on me. His face tilted up to meet mine. His cheeks were flushed red. His eyes were half opened and looking around as if stars are swirling above his head. He’s drunk.

“Good night. I wanna go in.” Taeyong whispered. Yup, he’s drunk. His breath reeked or alcohol as he spoke. I stood there for a moment, needing to process the current situation. At three in the morning, Taeyong showed up here drunk. I can think about why later. But now I had to figure out a way to carry his heavy body into the living room.

Taeyong wrapped his arms around my waist, sticking his body against mine. “You’re so warm.” I blinked rapidly. I looked down on him. I can’t believe it. He’s here. After two months of ignoring, he can simply show up here. Drunk, even. Worst of all, I still had the love to move along with this. The anger was still there. It’s just that his sudden presence made me forget about it a little while.

Out of the blue, like a marionette on strings, he jerkily push himself off me and staggered his way to the lviing room. I followed closely behind, not bothering to turn on the lights. I didn’t feel the need to. I sat down at the edge of the couch while he laid his body down. He giggled to himself and muttered things I couldn’t understand. I know what he’s like when drunk. Unstable, crazy, a lightweight. Will not remember a single thing the next morning.

“What are you doing here?” I asked, not even sure why. Why did I bother asking when he won’t remember any of this the next day? Well, he’s here now. And no matter what state he was in, I just wanted answers.

“To thank you. Me thank you. Mwah!” Taeyong puckered his lips in the end, eyes closed and shaking his head furiously. His fluffy hair moving along. I smacked my bottom lip and nodded. “For what exactly?”

“For getting rid of Jiung for me. She’s so annoying. I’d much rather be with you.” Taeyong mumbled, finger slowly pointing up to me. Unconsciously, I pointed back to myself too. “Me?” Taeyong pursed his lips into a thin line and nodded firmly. “Uhuh. Yes, right. Mhm.”

I kept silent for a moment. “That wasn’t really what I got from how you reacted two months ago.” Suddenly, Taeyong forcefully gripped onto my wrist, pulling me down. I let out a soft gasp, realising that my body was laying on top of his. We stared at each other for a long while, the close proximity making it so that I could feel his cold breath on my skin, sending shivers down my spine. I breathed heavily as I felt my face getting hot. Stop it. Why are you falling for him too quickly?

“Go home, Taeyong.” I whispered so softly in a calming and light tone. Taeyong whined in response. He was now pouting with his big boba eyes. He looked like a sad puppy. My heart instantly melted at the sight. I couldn’t resist. “I’m staying here.” He said in a high pitch voice, hugging me closer and putting me in an uncomfortable position for my body. Regardless, I stayed.

After two months he was finally here, and in my arms. This night might not mean anything to him but it made me feel relived. The fact that he remembered my house, my name, me. Whether it was just the alcohol driving him to do such things that are out of his control, I didn’t mind. All I needed was for him to be here. It felt good to be with him for that one night. Just one night was all I needed. It didn’t stop my anger for him about the fact that he ignored me, but I was okay with it. That night, I let it go. All I wanted was to feel such peace with Taeyong.

We ended up sleeping together on the small couch. I woke up with terrible body aches but either way, I sighed in relief when I woke up before Taeyong. I tried finding his phone, that was hidden under the crack of the cushions. I typed in his password. I memorise it like how he memorise mine. I went to his contacts and called the one person I knew.

“I have a favour to ask, Ten.” I said nervously as I watch him carry Taeyong into his car. He hummed, pulling his head out of the car and slamming the door. “Don’t tell him he went here.” Ten gave a half-shrug, nodding his head in response. “Sure. I’m not sure what’s going on between you two, but it seems like a lot. Should solve it soon.”

“Yeah... I hope so.”

16th October.

I’ve lost count on the number of love letters I’ve given you. I can’t give them to you anymore, since you don’t even want anything to do with me. I can’t blame you. I knew you’d be pissed. I was hesitant on doing it but I was so selfish, wanting you all to myself. But what can I do, Taeyong? I’ve wanted you for so long. Yet you’re so delusional of my feelings. How could you have not read any of of my letters? Perhaps you have and chose to ignore it. That’s more painful than you being upfront and rejecting me. As much as I allow you to hate on me, I’d still say this. Fuck you, Lee Taeyong.

23rd October.

I saw you at the bar. You look... happy. Without me. You act as if nothing happened. Like I never happened. I wonder if you’re just putting on an act, or are you actually okay without me by your side. Are you still mad? Did you forget about it but have gotten use to not being with me? I want to know Taeyong so please, respond. That’s all I ask from you. Fuck that. You don’t even have to talk. I just want you here with me. Whether the air around us will be filled with tension, I don’t care. What I’m going through, is not nice, Taeyong. It is punishment for my actions. But how long do I have to keep it up? How long to I have to suffer to take a breath? For you to pull me out of this mess with your forgiveness. I’m falling apart.

14th December.

Wow. It’s December already. I’m sitting at the park we go to every Christmas. We’d be freezing to death but still glued to the bench chatting about life since we just loved being out in the snow. And yet, you never got back to me. I found out from Jiung that you left the country but never said where. I miss you, Lee Taeyong. I’m tired. So tired, of constantly penning my feelings down on pieces of paper. Words I can never say to you out loud, are all in the letters in your books that you never bothered to open. I even hid one between the books of your huge ass shelf. Why haven’t you said anything about them? I know I should move on, because it really does seem like you never want to talk to me ever again. I’m losing hope, more faster than before as each day pass, wondering where the hell as you and how you’re doing. I keep telling myself “Let it be. Let him have his moment.” But I wonder if you ever think about how I’m bearing all of this as well. That without you, I might never be able to forgive myself.

I slide the notes under Taeyong’s apartment door. I knew he was out of the country. Some nights I’d sit by his door, the note in hand as I envision him in his house. I couldn’t think about what he’s doing. And I constantly ponder about it. Is he eating well? Sleeping well? Is he enjoying himself wherever he’s at? Months passed. And as time went on, I began to wonder if my letters were even worth writing. Why was I giving so much? Why am I going through such lengths, physically and emotionally, for Taeyong to be okay? Why am I bearing such emotions when it’s not even certain that I’ll be given the same in return.

I’m making a promise to myself. I’ll let go of Lee Taeyong. I’ll slowly, bit by bit, remove my feelings out of my heart. It’s not worth it, I kept telling myself. I’m meaninglessly suffering for someone who is isn’t appreciating it. So why should I go on? I loved you, Lee Taeyong. I changed my words. I loved you.

And that was the last love letter I wrote.

Along my journey to forgetting Taeyong, I suffered a lot. I was always drawn back to him. I was always willing to put my pen on paper and just write something to him. About anything. It was a bad habit that needed to stop. I had to let go years of feelings that were being pilled up in my heart. And it was something that’s extremely hard to let go. But other than my own factors, there were external, circumstantial ones as well. Whether it was coincidental or not, that was something I can never know the answer to.

I was on my laptop, casually scrolling through Pinterest to calm myself with the aesthetics of random things. Room decor, clothing ideas, handsome idols. Anything that can take my mind off my billions of overloaded projects for awhile.

I didn’t know how, but I ended up looking at quotes, Japanese ones to be exact. The deep meaning of words. Some were heartfelt while other were heartbreaking. I read them off casually till I paused at one.

‘Tsundoku— buying books and not reading them; letting books pile up unread on shelves, floors, or nightstands.’

I scoffed to myself, pinching my temples as I shook my head. It’s just like you, Lee Taeyong. “Fucking hell.” I mumbled, slamming the laptop shut. I’ve been able to not think about Taeyong for a long time now. Or at least I felt like it was a long time. I wasn’t going to let a word get me off course. I placed my laptop on the bed and went back to my study table, suddenly feeling motivated to continue as a way to distract myself from thinking about him.

Thinking that I wouldn’t be facing that state of dilemma again, I just so happen to see a quote the first thing I entered Pinterest.

‘If they were meant to reunite, they had to go separate ways.’

I was then reminded of Taeyong yet again. But I don’t think I was thinking about him as a person, but our relationship. Just our relationship. Having to part ways as a mean to reunite. That’s something I found hard to believe. Why am I having hope that it’ll happen when I highly doubt I’ll experience it? Why is my mind slowly pulling me back to the memories I have with Taeyong? I want him long gone. I want him holed up in the corner of my mind, out of sight, out of mind. But things are always popping up randomly around me, and it all reminded me of him. I feel like it’s his doing, funny enough. Constantly hinting about him with almost everything I come across.

“What the fuck?”

I looked at the Youtube home screen and what was recommended for me. One of the videos had Taeyong’s name. And his face was on the thumbnail. The title? Lee Taeyong | Freestyle dance | Paris In The Rain (Lauv) My finger moved on its own, bringing the cursor to the video and clicking on it.

As I expected, the video was taken in Paris. So that’s where he has been. He was in Paris this whole time without my notice. I was shocked to find that the video has tons of likes and view. I read through the comments. They were all swooning over Taeyong.

“Who wouldn’t?” I said to myself. I scrolled up and played the video. My eyes didn’t leave the screen for a second. I was frozen, not being able to move an inch as I watched, completely in awe. Firstly, Taeyong has his hair dyeda light ashy grey or blue. It suited him well, all too well. His dancing was immensely beautiful. Anyone would fall for him. Visuals, talent. He has it all. Dancer by day, bartender by night. He looked so free and alive in his dance. Serving the world with a hard punch with his deep emotions that were imbued perfectly into his movements.

I bit my lower lip. Fuck. I felt it. The goosebumps, the quivering of my lips. My eyes started to well up with tears. “No, this is not happening again.” The video was still playing, the music ringing in my ears but I couldn’t bear to look at the video. I was watching Taeyong, living the perfect life in Paris. What more could he needed? I clearly wasn’t in his equation. I’m completely gone, removed out of his life. No trace of my presence to be found.

The longer I think, the more I forced myself not to cry. Eventually, being weakling I am, I ended up falling deep into the harsh and intense whirl pool that is my feelings once again, a place I never visited in a long while. The feelings started dancing in my mind like butterflies flapping in unison to the soundtrack of my sadness. I could only assume that it’s what the world wants. It’s how it wants to spin, how it wants to work.

Eight months. I actually counted how long I’ve lost contact with Taeyong for. It didn’t bother me. I was trying to live a life. It’s getting better. It took a lot of baby steps. But I’m feeling a whole lot lighter now. It’s March.

I was walking back from University when my phone started vibrating in my hand since I’ve always left it on silent mode. I lifted it up. It was an unknown number. Instinctively, I chose to not pick up the call. But a few seconds later, the same number showed up on the screen. With a light groan, I picked up and brought the phone to my ear.

“Hello? Who is this?” I asked formally, waiting by the traffic light. I heard the person on the other hand breathe out a chuckle, almost like a disappointed kind. “Who the-”

“So you deleted my number?” That voice... No doubt. It was Lee fucking Taeyong. “Meet me. My home. You got ten minutes.” The call ended.

Rapidly blinking my eyes, I slowly brought down the phone. I read over the number again. It was Taeyong’s phone. Why didn’t I remember it? I used to know it. It’s one of the few things I used to be able to tell off the top of my head. “Ten minutes?” I looked at the time.

I don’t know what urged me, but I ran. I ran as fast as I could. The unknown force. It was unfamiliarly familiar. If that made sense. I was able to live a life without Taeyong. I was. I was capable of it. And that’s what I did. But at the very moment, I felt the need to see him. The spontaneous out of the blue kind of feel. It was all just pouring out of me.

I stood at his doorstep, hand on my chest and other as support for my body against the wall. Panting heavily, I tried to slowly calm myself down. I gulped, and rang the doorbell. No turning back.

The door flung open. And there stood Taeyong. He still had his ashy hair colour. His face never changed a single bit. Nor did his overall physique. He was still handsome, breathtaking. “Come in.”

I sucked my lips and sidled in timidly and warily. Nothing has changed in his house as well. The large bookshelf with the television in the centre. I started to remember the love letters. All of them are hidden in the pages of the books in that very shelf. It reminded me of my feelings for him.

I sat down on the leather couch as Taeyong disappeared into the kitchen. I kept my head faced forward, placing my tote bag down, leaning it against the couch on the floor. Taeyong came back moments later. Two plates with a slice of cheesecake. He handed on to me. “Try it.” He said.

I slowly took a bite. Chewing on it, I scrunched up my nose, placing the plate down on the table. “I hate it. Tastes too artificial.” I commented dryly. Taeyong chuckled and cleared his throat. “Knew you’d say that.” Taeyong shoved a bite into his mouth, eating it as he placed the plate beside mine. “Want to know why you’re here?”

I bobbed my shoulders. This atmosphere, the air between us. It wasn’t awkward at all. Though our words were dry and short, it felt normal. It wasn’t weird being next to him after not seeing him for eight months.

Taeyong stood up, taking small steps to the shelf. As if practiced, he pulled out one letter from a book, another, and another, and another. It was never ending. It took him at least ten minutes to slide out all the letters and placing them on the table. I silently watch, my anxiety turning up a notch with each letter.

He finally took what I hoped was the last letter and went back to sit next to me. A specific letter is held in his hand. He unfolded it, placing the paper on the table and turning it so that I could read.

It was my last love letter.

“So you knew.” I whispered, looking down, leaning forward as I laced my fingers together. I took in a deep breath, my eyes scanning down the note before turning my head to Taeyong. “Then why the fuck didn’t you do anything about it?”

Taeyong lifted the paper off the table, holding it in front of him. He reread it. Running a hand through hair, chest puffing up as he inhaled and exhaled sharply. “Because I wanted you to keep writing to me.”

“What...?” That was definitely not an answer I was expecting.

Taeyong licked his lips, smacking them before sniffling a rubbing his nose. He lets out a weak chuckle. “I liked them. From your handwriting, to your words. I felt it; your love, with each letter.” He whispered softly.

I simply couldn’t believe what I was hearing. This was the explanation and truth I’ve been wanting to hear for months. This is what kept me up at night, what led me to have my mental breakdowns, the constant ‘what if’s I formulated throughout. “You just like them? Taeyong if you’re rejecting fucking do it now-” I was about to scream, but Taeyong was quick to cut me off.

“In a way it felt like you were writing a book. One just for me. That’s why I never bothered to read any other books. I just needed yours. Your... simply overpowering pain in the heart love letters.” Taeyong smiled down at the letter, hovering his fingers over the words.

“And I don’t just like the love letters. I love the author. Paris made me realise that. It took me that long. And I’m sorry for how long you needed to wait.”

“What do you love about the author?”

I could tell Taeyong was taken aback by that question. And I knew he would react that way. He still knew me well, bouncing back and giving a confident answer.

“I don’t want to sound common by saying it’s her smile, laughter, brightness. But it truly is what I love about her. All the times we’ve spent were filled with nothing but pure bliss. Serenity, is what I feel when I’m with her. Longing, like I was meant to be by her side. I’ve known her long enough to know every single detail about her, ones that maybe she doesn’t even know herself. Like how drinks two straws when she’s sad, or having the habit of twiddling her thumbs when she’s excited. Little things like those, I find them adorable. No matter what she is, a nerd, weirdo, plain crackhead, it’s... the energy, her own energy. A light and force only she could illuminate.”

I couldn’t say anything. I frozen stiff by his words. He actually meant it. I could feel it through his voice. He stuttered here and there nervously, finding words to say. But he was able to structure them in the most beautiful way possible. I had no words to say.

Suddenly, Taeyong slowly brought his hand up to cup my cheek. That one touch alone made me feel a lot of things. It was like I was hit by a huge wave of feelings all bunched up together and crashing over me. But it wasn’t something I couldn’t handle. It was overwhelming, but I was calm. I was at peace. It felt good. Just this.

He slowly and carefully swiped his thumbs across my cheeks like I’m the most fragile thing in the world. His touch was lightweight and simply serene. “Another thing the author doesn’t know about herself is that she really doesn’t know when she’s crying and spilling out tears.”

I blinked my eyes, Taeyong smoothing his hands from my cheeks and to my shoulders, placing them there firmly as his eyes stared into mine. I can’t exactly explain what I felt. But it was like the stars aligned, as cliche as that sounds.

‘If they were meant to reunite, they had to go separate way.’ I resonated with this now. I understood what it meant. Our months of separation were all for this exact moment. Both of us suffered, one trying to find themselves again while the other needing the time to realise that what’s most valuable was right in front of him. We needed that gap, for us to reunite and actually be able to love each other properly and willingly. Which definitely would not be a trouble now.

[whimsicallyenchantedrose]

Fluffy Fridays—Chapter 163: Black Friday, pt. 1

Fluffy Fridays—Chapter 163: Black Friday, pt. 1

Pairing:  Captain Swan

Summary:   A series of unrelated, fluffy one shots featuring Killian Jones and  Emma Swan and the relationship that makes us all swoon. Will contain  both canon and AU stories. My contribution to Operation Rainbow Kisses  and Unicorn Stickers (aka, my attempt to drown out the season 4 finale  angst with ridiculous levels of fluff.)

Other Chapters: ( 1) (2)  ( 3) ( 4) ( 5) (6) ( 7) ( 8) ( 9) ( 10) ( 11) ( 12) (13) (14) (15) (16) (17) (18) (19) (20) (21) (22) (23) (24) (25) (26) (27) (28) (29) (30) (31) (32) (33) (34) (35) (36) (37) (38) (39) (40) (41) (42) (43) (44) (45) (46) (47) (48) (49) (50) (51) (52) (53) (54) (55) (56) (57) (58) (59) (60) (61) (62) (63) (64) (65) (66) (67) (68) (69) (70) (71) (72) (73) (74) (75) (76) (77) (78) (79) (80) (81) (82) (83) (84) (85) (86) (87) (88) (89) (90) (91) (92) (93) (94) (95) (96) (97) (98) (99) (100) (101) (102) (103) (104) (105) (106) (107) (108) (109) (110) (111) (112) (113) (114) (115) (116) (117) (118) (119) (120) (121) (122) (123) (124) (125) (126) (127) (128) (129) (130) (131) (132) (133) (134) (135) (136) (137) (138) (139) (140) (141) (142) (143) (144) (145) (146) (147) (148) (149) (150) (151) (152) (153) (154) (155) (156)  (157) (158) (159) (160) (161) (162) (164) (165) (166) (167) (168) (169) (170) (171) (172) (173) (174)

(ao3) (ff.net)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

One week before Thanksgiving

“Do you really think itll work?” she asked, leaning forward, eyes bright and delighted.

“It’s perfect!” he answered. “Trust me!  Our plan will work like a charm.  Just make sure you give him Miss French’s flier and make him see how much you want it.  I’ll do the same with her.  By Christmas, we’ll be celebrating our success.”

She grinned.  “Oh, I hope you’re right!  Can you imagine?  If we pull this off, everything will change forever!”

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

The morning after Thanksgiving

The alarm clock roared to life as a way, way too enthusiastic version of Jingle Bell Rock blared from the speakers of her clock radio. Emma groaned, reaching blindly over to slam the button on the top of the alarm and make the noise stop.

3 am.  It was entirely too early for any sane person to be awake.  Even the early birds were still peacefully snoozing in their nests.  It was only the crazy humans, intent on getting the best deals on the best Christmas gifts who would submit themselves to this kind of torture.

She hoped the payout was worth it.

Her bed was so warm, so comfortable, that for a split second, Emma considered just forgetting about the whole thing and going back to sleep, but then she thought about Henry.

It had been a difficult year for him, for both of them really.  They’d had a great life in New York.  Her bail bonds gig had paid well enough that they could afford a wonderful apartment. Henry had lots of friends at school.  She’d had a guy she loved, a guy she really thought was the one.  He’d seemed great with Henry, and Henry had really liked him.  

Walsh had proposed a week before Halloween, and Emma had really considered saying yes.  Granted, she didn’t feel the epic, sweeping, melt-into-a-pile-of-goo passion you see in movies, but she did love Walsh, and he could be a wonderful addition to the little family circle she and Henry had put together.

At least that’s what she thought.

Emma had made up her mind to accept the proposal when it all went south.  Turns out Walsh wasn’t at all who he said he was.  He’d been playing a long con on her, doing his level best to steal her money and assets right from under her nose, and she felt like a fool for buying into it his b.s.  She was smarter than this!  She ran the honey trap on bail jumpers; she knew the playbook.  How did she fall for it?

She’d just so badly wanted that perfect, white-picket-fence life for herself, and especially for her ten-year-old son, that’s how.

After everything had so epically crashed and burned with Walsh, Emma had just wanted to get away.  She’d wanted--needed--a new start, and so when her brother David had mentioned the opening for a deputy in the tiny town of Storybrooke, Maine, where he lived with his wife Mary Margaret, Emma had jumped at the opportunity.

Within a week, she’d uprooted her whole life--and her son’s whole life--and moved to Storybrooke.  For the moment, she and Henry were crashing with David and Mary Margaret in their tiny loft apartment until Emma could find them their own place.

The move had been the most difficult on Henry.  All he’d ever known was back in New York--friends, school, entire lifestyle.  Small town Storybrooke was like a totally different world than the booming metropolis he was used to.  Her normally happy, vivacious kid had been quiet, almost withdrawn since they’d arrived in Storybrooke.

Emma knew kids were resilient, that Henry would bounce back, but she felt so damn guilty for causing him stress.

And so, naturally when Henry had come home a week ago, excitement bumped up to a level ten, talking a mile a minute and waving a flier in her face, Emma had taken notice.  Turns out the school librarian Belle French--who was also the owner and proprietor of “A Tale as Old as Time”, Storybrooke’s best (and only) bookstore--was holding a special Black Friday sale on a very special storybook, entitled Once Upon a Time.  She had one copy, and one copy only, and the rare book would normally sell for an exorbitant price--somewhere between an arm and a leg.  On Black Friday, however, she was offering the book for dirt cheap, but there was a catch.  The price was only good during the special, Black Friday early bird sale.  Doors opened at 4 am.   First person to touch the book had the opportunity to purchase it.

Henry had always loved stories, and he’d been particularly fascinated with fairy tales.  Naturally, a book chalk full of them would be right up Henry’s alley.  Faced with the prospect of getting Henry the perfect gift, the gift that would finally bring him some joy after the difficult last few weeks, it was a no brainer.

Waking up a few hours before the crack of dawn was a small price to pay for her kid’s happiness.

Emma pushed aside the covers and got up, throwing on the first pair of clean clothes she could find, twisting her hair into a messy bun, and then downing the strong coffee her sister-in-law had set to brew for her.  By the end of her second cup, she was feeling almost human, and she was ready to brave the hordes of Black Friday shoppers to attain her prize.

It was a quick, five minute walk to the center of town where “A Tale as Old as Time” was located, and Emma made it just as the cheerful brunette proprietor was unlocking the doors and letting her first customers in.  Emma knew just where her target was.  She’d scoped out the bookstore over the weekend, getting the lay of the land and mapping out her plan of attack.  She knew just where to go, and within sixty seconds of the store opening, she’d reached her target.  It was right there, in sight.

Emma reached for the book, her hand made contact--just as another hand did as well.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Killian Jones had lived a difficult life.  He’d seen more heartache and tragedy in his thirty-five years of existence than most people did in a lifetime.  Aye, it had been an incredibly difficult life, but it did have one bright, shining spot.

His daughter Alice.

His one-night-stand with Alice’s mom, Eloise, had been a mistake of epic proportions, but Killian would never regret it, because it gave him the greatest blessing of his life, his precious little starfish.

Nine months after their dalliance, Eloise had suddenly showed up on his doorstep, placed their newborn daughter in his arms, and then walked out of their lives forever.  For himself, Killian couldn’t have cared less.  He felt nothing but revulsion for the woman who’d gotten him blind drunk and then taken advantage of him that night nine months ago.  In the bright morning light, he’d been disgusted with her, with himself, and with the entire sordid affair.  He’d have been more than happy if he never saw her noisome face again.

No, he didn’t care if she walked away from him, but his heart had broken at the fact that his tiny, perfect daughter had been abandoned by her mother.  Killian knew from first hand the agony of being abandoned by a parent, and it tore him up inside that his beloved daughter had to deal with it as well.

Though having a child was the farthest thing from his mind at the time, there’d never been any doubt what he would do.  Alice was his daughter, his precious child, and he would do right by her no matter what.

Ten years later, he thanked his lucky stars every single day that he’d made the choice to raise her.  Alice was the most important person in the world to him, and there was nothing he wouldn’t do for her.

So naturally, when she came home from school all excited about the book Miss French was selling, Killian knew exactly how he would be spending his very early Black Friday morning.

He’d arrived at “Tale as Old as Time” just as Miss French opened the doors.  He rushed to the back of the store, his prize in sight.

He grabbed the book just as a gorgeous blonde made contact.  

“Um excuse me,” she said with a frown.  “This book is mine.”

It appeared this shopping expedition was going to be more difficult--although possibly more intriguing--the blonde truly was breathtaking--than he’d expected.

Killian grinned.  He’d never backed down from a challenge, and he didn’t intend to begin now.

 Notes:

--Happy Thanksgiving weekend to everyone who celebrates it!  I hope you’ve had a great holiday with your family and friends.

--So, I didn’t manage to complete my holiday-themed story this week (I had to write in between getting ready for Thanksgiving and spending time with my family), but I definitely got a start on it.  Emma and Killian have made contact (quite literally).  How exactly are they going to resolve the fact that they both want “Once Upon a Time” for their kid?  Stay tuned for the exciting, fluffy conclusion to this story next Friday!

                                                                      NEXT CHAPTER-->

[theyscreamjade]

Betrayal NEEDS another part you can’t just leave me hanging like that my guy 🧎‍♀️🧎‍♀️

Betrayal

Pt. 2

I DID NOT THINK ITLL TAKE OFF THE WAY IT DID! I HEARD YOUR CRIES MY DEAR ANGELS! I hope you guys like it!

———————————————————————————————————————

You kicked your shoes off, stepping up to the upper level in Shoto’s home. He noticed your dark aura and immediately became concerned, it wasn’t like you to be this quiet. You walked into the beautiful home and made your way towards the his couch. “Is everything alright?” Shoto asked as he followed you to his living room, you softly sat on the couch and covered your face. Your heart stung in pain from the constant memory of his infidelity reminding you over and over again.

You felt a soft dip along with a warm hand touching your back. “Y/N?” Shoto said softly, unsure to why you’re crying or what broke your spirit to the point you’re crying like this. “I-I’m sorry, I don’t mean to weigh this one you. I just didn’t know who to talk to...” you said softly, your voice cracking a bit. “It’s stupid to confide to a ex.” You added, hurting Shoto’s feelings a bit.

Years ago, in your first year of UA High, you and Shoto dated. It wasn’t the best, he was so focused on destroying what his father created in him and on the other hand, he was blinded by his rage. He hardly acknowledged the things you did but it wasn’t as if he never noticed it. You two only dating until that summer, breaking up when you felt as if you weren’t being appreciated enough. Little did you know, you were. From the little things you did to make him smile a bit to you making his favorite meals and snacks almost everyday. Even though it wasn’t very long ago, the icy hero still loved you even after this long.

“I don’t mind it. It shouldn’t be awkward as long as we don’t make it.” He said, grabbing your hand. You smiled softly before letting a soft sigh. You explained your story, confiding every little detail. From his beginning to being distant to you to where you discovered his cheating. Shoto was silently angered by his friends cheating, how dare he cheat on someone as great as you while on the other hand, this wasn’t like you.

“So, he’s the reason you stopped being a hero?” He questioned randomly while you let out a soft sigh. “Yes, He was terrified of me being out there and the possibility of me getting hurt or something.” You stated before taking a sip of your chamomile tea to soothe your aching throat. It was a rather dumb idea to agree to Deku’s suggestions all because a large scar a villain left on your side.

You sat the mug down and stood up, looking at the clock over the entrance to the room. “It’s pretty late, Thank you for talking to me. I’ll head ou-“ “You changed, you know.” Shoto said suddenly, making you pause a bit. “Excuse me?” You questioned as he stood up.

“You’re not who you were before, Y/N.” He stated bluntly, standing up as he walked towards you. “The person I knew would never let someone make their decisions for them, the person I knew always smiled and did whatever they could to make others happy, more than their boyfriend. He’s changed you and now he’s broke you.” He told you while you stood in place perfectly.

“Shoto...I-I..” He grabbed your hand and looked into your eyes. “Maybe you two breaking up was a breakthrough you needed to become the best like before..” he simplified, making your heart race. How close he was just made your head spin in complete circles. He leaned close to you before you slapped your hands over his chest and pushed him away, shaking your head. “I-No. I don’t want to be hurt again...You and I never worked because you didn’t appreciate me. You didn’t know me..you were so focused on dealing with your father’s shit..” you said, stepping back. “But I did..” Shoto replied, looking at you.

“I made chamomile tea because it’s your favorite, I kept all those notes from you that you wrote for me during class, the..the containers you made my meals in.” He said, blushing at the last part. “Even the Hello Kitty one?” You asked, trying hold a laugh in. “Of course...When we broke up, I was heartbroken but..I wanted to do what would make you happy. Your happiness is mine..so when you started dating Midoriya, I didn’t want to affect my wishes against yours. I just wanted you to be happy..” he said softly while you stared at him quietly.

“If you want to make me happy...” you began after a few minutes from his confession. “Give me time and let me heal..” you finished, earning a soft smile from Shoto. He grabbed your hand and kissed the back of it softly. “Anything for you.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Todoroki, That was amazing out there!” Izuku complimented after they rounded out the next villain. “You and that sidekick of yours were fantastic.” He added, looking at his friend.

“Oh, they’re not my sidekick. We’re more like partners..” he corrected, smiling softly as he looked back at a figure with a mask over their eyes. He signaled them over as your head spun back around. You waved to the officers and walked over, taking the mask off as Izuku’s face dropped.

It’s been months since he’s seen you, three to be exact. You were glowing, a smile was plastered on your face when you reached Shoto and kissed his lips softly. “It’s been a minute, hasn’t it Deku?” You questioned as Izuku looked at you astonished. “Y-Y/N?!” He questioned before you laughed softly.

“In the flesh, I hope you’re doing good.” You said as he stepped closer to you, making Shoto place his arm between you two. “Nah babe, I’ve got it.” You said, moving his arm and looked up at Izuku. “Whatever excuse you’ve got in your brain, save it. Whatever comment you’ve gotta make about what I do, save it. Lastly, if you’re mad about me moving on from you while you’re still broken from the shit you caused, save it. You made it this way and I’m glad you did. I’m back doing what I love, and you’re now allowed to fuck any bitch you want.” You told him with a smile on your face.

“Baby, I want you. Those girls, they’re not y-“

“And I surely wasn’t that girl who you were fucking now was I?” You asked as he stopped his words. He couldn’t justify what he did even if he tried. “Izuku, maybe they’ll be a day I’ll forgive you for breaking me but for now, I can’t see it happening. You hurt me in ways that I never thought you could. But..you shouldn’t move on and find your new happiness. Find the girl that’ll make it worth everything to you, it wasn’t me not being enough for you. I was just too much for you and you couldn’t handle what I am.” You said before taping his nose.

“Thank you for cheating though, thanks to you, I would’ve never discovered myself again.” You finished, grabbing Shoto’s hand and leading him away to start on your next mission.

[foryouthegays]

Visiting Dream [Dream SMP] stream summary and timestamps

Summary:

Techno starts the stream in his house. The plot is supposed to starts at 3:40. He leaves the house and meets with Phil, and immediately gets distracted with the paintings of Tommy in Phils house. Phil starts glitching and leaves the game, so Techno moves to his backup plan, which is a map of Phils face, but that also glitches and is deleted. He stalls and eventually, at 9:17, Phil returns. They start their lore conversation at 10:13. Techno tells Phil that he’s going to visit Dream. Phil asks if that’s a good idea, and Techno admits that it really isn’t. He knows that everyone whose visited Dream has had something horrible happen, but he also knows that he owes Dream a favor. Techno refuses to let Phil come with him, but he does give Phil his will.

Before he leaves, Phil and Techno ring the channel member bell, and Dream joins the server.

Techno leaves at 17:35.

He goes through the Nether and reaches the prison at 22:20. The warden joins the call at 22:30.

Sam denies him entry to visit Dream, but Techno came prepared. He brought his field trip form, signed.

Sam agrees to let him in, and Techno reads the form, aloud. He signs it “Techno Blade.”

26:10 He answers the prison questions.

30:10. He’s in the prison. They go through the security stuff for so long oh my gosh like im impressed with the prison but ughhhhhh

34:50 he signs this book ‘Technoblade’ instead of ‘Techno Blade’. Interesting. Probably just him bein him but whatever

38:50. Techno walks to Dream. Dream yells that it’s a trap, that Quackity was lying. He says that Quackity and Sam are working together. Techno quickly brushes past that, and tells Dream to explain everything that’s been going on. He says it doesn’t matter, and that he’s already trapped. Techno turns around and asks Sam how long he has to stay, and is told that he is the main threat to Dream escaping, and that he could stay for a long while. Techno tells Sam to send the bridge back, and he refuses. He brings the lava back down, and Techno is trapped with Dream. He tells Dream to write down everything that’s happened, and everything he knows about the prison.

They talk, and Dream tells him that he used to have a clock. I’m gonna be honest i dont really know much about the prison stuff but i saw a ton about him loosing a clock so i thought id mention it.

Techno ends the stream.

Timestamps:

Ya know im gonna be honest i like these shorter streams. Less overwhelming.

Techno recording a vid? Yes? Pog? Please?

3:40 philza minecraft? Him? Hello? My beloved?

4:20 philza minecraft has left us :( he is now canonically dead cant believe it this is so funny

8:07 du du duuu

9:15 sTEVE- oh hi mr minecraft

10:45 ‘also itll be views’

12:00 ‘how many people accidentally punch dogs irl, phil’ alkdhf

14:45 awwW techno knows his pets favorite foods alsldkhf!

I stg techno is incapable of being serious when phils around

18:37 ‘hello brothers’ @ a zombie pigman my Beloved

Does. Does techno not know the difference between piglins and zombie pigmans. Like im not surprised but *techno*

22:00 awww darn techno has to die. Like i knew he would but :(

I literally cant get over how little techno cares about serious lore its so funny

23:27 ‘….bro ur door broke’ ALDKDHF

The field trip form im crying

“Sam. Technoblade will be playing Dream a visit. This is business related. Let it happen.

It’s also a tax write off :)

- Quackity”

25:10 Oh im gonna cry technos reading voice is so nice even when its fast

31:20 techno appreciating redstone my beloved.

34:29 techno reading my beloved

40:35 ‘a nice long stay with dream’ ‘so like five minutes?’ ALDKDHF

41:39 ‘thiS IS NOT DOING MUCH TO CHANGE MY POLITICAL OPINIONS’ aldkdhf

I stg if ANYONE makes a ‘and they were roommates’ joke i Will kill you

also i am honestly really impressed w the prison. This is the first time ive seen it ’live’ and like. Wow gg thats so cool

[witchcraft-in-wonderland]

Silent Nightmares (Pt.2)

-------------------------

The thing Emile did the most often and felt the guiltiest about in the camp, was sleeping. Patton had told him dozens of times that it didnt matter and he'd been on his own since the apocalypse started so if he needed to spend most of his time resting it was ok, but it didnt feel right.

Even when he knew there were people in the camp who did nothing but talk to the others, it still didnt feel right that he couldnt do anything to help.

But he'd stopped bringing this up fairly quickly, mostly out of fear that they'd kick him out for bringing up how useless he was so often.

"Eeeemmmmm, its wake up tiiiiimmmmeeee," Emile shuddered as he felt a gentle nudge on his side and rolled over in bed, blinking a few times before realizing it had been Remus who woke him up.

"You have practice today, sound fun?" Remus said as Emile wriggled his way out of bed.

"Yeah, by the way what was all that noise last night? I thought I heard someone screaming?" Emile said, raising an eyebrow at Remus as he went to change.

"Oh that was just one of the other campers, some of us get a little jumpy yeah?" Remus said.

"Oh- that makes sense-" Emile said, thinking for a few moments.

"Oh and keep that binder off for today, you've been wearing it for much to long and doing stuff like this with it on is going to hurt," Remus said, Emile's face went scarlet.

"You knew?" He said quietly.

"I have to tell Roman at least five times a day to take breaks from his," Remus said with a shrug.

"Ok- fine- I'll take it off," Emile sighed, waiting for Remus to leave the room so he could change.

Emile had never been to the training grounds before, he wasnt entirely sure what to expect, but what he did find certainly wouldnt have matched.

"Theres two training rooms, one with simulation-based activities so you can practice without getting hurt or risking trauma exposure, and another one with real obstacles, and real weapons," Remus said as he came to stand next to Emile.

"What kind of obstacles?" Emile asked.

"Sometimes we try and keep zombies that we think we can save, our scientists have been working on a cure for a while, but it doesnt always have the expected results, and normally I'm against 'putting things out of their misery', but the things a failed cure can do to these corpses. . . A second death is the merciful option," Remus continued.

"Wait. . . You said there were some you had to kick out, does that mean they're just in the labs?" Emile asked.

"Yeah, our head scientists are Logan and King, me and Roman's older brother, they've been working on a cure, but they refuse to test it on old members of the camp," Remus said, still sounding mildly dismayed.

"Were you close with a lot of them?" Emile said quietly.

"One was basically a brother to me, or more accurately brother-in-law, Roman and King are still distraught about it," Remus responded.

"Oh dear. . ." Emile whispered, running his fingers through Remus' hair.

"But let's not dwell on it now- you've got training to do," Remus said, shaking his head.

"We'll start you off with terrain obstacles, I've seen the look on your face when you hear gunshots," Remus said, Emile shuffled his feet slightly.

"Hey theres no reason to be ashamed of it, weve got at least two other campers who can barely even hear about guns without breaking down, you're not a failure for disliking them," Remus said.

"Let's just- get to the training-" Emile replied hastily.

"Alright, gloves on first, I know you like to maneuver with your hands and I'd rather you not give yourself frostbite or a bloody palm," Remus said, gesturing to a table. Emile walked over and slipped on a pair of gloves, they were warm and soft, he debated keeping them when the training session ended.

"Alright, first up, gravel and ice," Remus said, gesturing to a nearby surface, Emile could see sharp grays speaking out from the white snow.

"Now we'll be using fans to mimic heavy winds, so dont get to confident, just because a surface is relatively flat doesnt mean it's easy to conquer," Remus said, pulling out a remote.

"Alright, whenever you're ready," Remus said as the fan began to start up.

Emile took a few breaths, even from so far back he could feel a push from the fan, so, he dropped to the ground, and scrambled forward, latching on to the larger gray rocks to keep from being pushed away.

"Alright now back to me!" Remus called, louder now that Emile was on the other end of the terrain. The trip back was a lot easier, since the wind was pushing him in the right direction.

They carried on with wind-based obstacles for a while, until Remus decided it was time to move a step up.

"How good are you with climbing?" Remus asked, Emile's eyes scanned the various makeshift hills and climbing walls.

"Not sure, I've never really done it before, but I like the idea of it," Emile replied.

"Dont worry, I'll catch you if something happens, I promise," Remus said, Emile shivered slightly.

He did well for a while, until he got to the highest part of the cliffs, and then he felt his foot slip.

And then he was falling, and everything felt distant, he shut his eyes, wishing yet again that he couldve had his wings in reality.

And then he woke up laying down, a few hours later from what he'd seen on the clock.

"Oh thank gods-" Emile blinked as he heard Remus' voice.

"Emmy I'm so sorry- I cant believe I so stupid! Oh gods I'm such a failure i cant believe i let this happen-" Emile reached a hand out and grasped Remus'.

"But I'm alive arent I? The cushions you set out still worked didnt they?" Emile replied.

"Emile you broke your leg," Remus said frantically.

"I- what?" Emile attempted to sit up, only to let out a loud squeak as the aforementioned leg began shooting pain through his body.

"Dont move- itll get worse if you move-" Remus said.

"How long do I have to stay here?" Emile whispered.

"We're going to have to amputate it, you'll stay here for a week or two before you can get back out," Remus said, burying his head in his hands.

"Remus. . ." Emile continued speaking in softer tones.

"This wasnt supposed to happen! It's a training simulation!" Remus droned on.

"Remus!" Emile's tone took a sudden sharp turn, startling Remus out of his hands.

"Mistakes happen. This is an apocalypse. Zombies arent the only things capable of losing limbs. I'll be fine! I promise!" Emile replied, holding Remus' face in his hands.

"You're not upset?" Remus replied.

"I mean sure I'll miss the leg, but no, I'm not upset with you," Emile said, smiling before laying back down, resting a hand in Remus' palm.

----------------------------------------------

Tag list:

@thefivecalls

@willowaudreykeyes

@pricklyfish777

@the-sad-strawberry

@itsnithbabey

@private-snippers

@0exterc0

@rich-flower-17

@theonetruebeepboop

@mycatshuman

@teamplutoforlife

@melodiread

@meowthefluffy

@frawkeye

@cemmy

@nerosdayinhell

@thecolorfulolive

@frog-candy-bee

[thathopelessromantic]

Reckless Good (6/?)

Fandom: Boku no Hero Academia/My Hero Academia Fic Rating: Explicit Chapter Rating: Teen+ Pairing: Todoroki Shouto/Midoriya Izuku Note: Thanks again for your amazing support so far! I really appreciate all of you and your comments have been making my weeks since posting <3 This fic will be going on a short hiatus...I'm not sure how long it will be but July has been shockingly busy this year and has only continued to get crazier so I need a little more time to write more of this fic 

Todoroki Shouto had accepted his fate as a public figure when he became a pro-hero, but there are some parts of his private life he would like to stay private. When he gets invited to be a speaker in a college lecture series, he goes to the meeting with one goal: to give the coordinator a piece of his mind and finally put an end to people hounding him for information about his family.

The last thing he expects is the curious, and quirkless, hero- and quirk-study professor, Midoriya Izuku, who has no interest in his family’s history, and, somehow, even more ties to the hero industry than Shouto. Intrigued by the professor, Shouto tentatively agrees to the lecture series, unknowingly intertwining their futures.

But the more Todoroki sees of Midoriya, the more questions he has. When a villain attack leaves them living together until the culprits are apprehended, maybe he’ll finally get some answers.

AO3: (x) Beginning/Chapter One: (x) Previous Chapter: (X) TDDKBB2021 Companion Art: (X)

It’s been three days since the debriefing, and Shouto hasn’t been able to think about much else besides the weirdness of everything that happened in the meeting. Even now, standing under the scalding spray of his shower, he’s going through the motions, but his mind is in the hallway outside the conference room with Ingenium.

“I’m sorry about lying to you regarding Architect,” Ingenium had said solemnly. They’ve grown and their costumes had both changed since then, but without his helmet on, head bent to discuss something quietly, Shouto was reminded of the in-class exercises they used to do in high school. Off to the side in a hallway, as if creating a strategy. Somehow adult-Ingenium had gotten even more serious than his high school counterpart. “I know it was wrong to mislead you, but I knew he meant no harm. I knew he could help with Kou.”

“How?” Shouto had asked, but even then he had a feeling he knew the answer.

“…I’ve worked with him before,” Ingenium admitted. “I know the law, but he…he just wants to help people. And he does good hero work.”

Ingenium couldn’t say afterwards if he thought Architect would still somehow help the case. He knew he would want to, but with more people involved, and more people who knew he had been there before, it would be harder. Shouto can’t articulate exactly why, but somehow knowing he might be what brings more scrutiny towards Architect makes him feel…guilty? It’s not his fault that he didn’t know, nor is it his fault Architect is technically doing something illegal, but he feels guilty anyways.

Shouto’s phone chimes just as he steps out of the shower. Even before he checks it, he knows it’s a new text from Midoriya. While Shouto has thought of little else but the weirdness that had transpired at the debriefing for the last three days, Midoriya has acted as if it never happened. He had been quiet the rest of the day afterwards, but the next day Midoriya had picked up their text chat where they had left off as if nothing had happened. The few times Shouto tried to broach the topic of Midoriya’s behavior at the debriefing, his contacts with heroes, the vigilante Architect, anything from the debriefing, all he got was an abrupt subject change or radio silence for a few hours. After a day and a half of the back and forth, Shouto gave up pushing the subject. For now.

Shouto slings a towel around his hips and grabs his phone off the counter. There’s a new picture attached to the message. Midoriya’s scarred hand holds a large navy book out in front of the camera. The sidewalk serving as a background and the blurred edges of the image suggests he was walking somewhere as he took the picture.

I found a copy of the book!! The text underneath reads.

Shouto can’t make out any title in the picture, but he knows what book it is anyways. There was only one they had really discussed in-depth that would warrant such an excited text. It was an early study of dual quirks. Apparently, according to Midoriya, some of the information and conclusions they came to is now outdated but it is still considered one of the best introductory texts for understanding how dual quirks come about with inheritance. He had been suggesting it to Shouto practically since they had started their text conversation.

Another text comes in before Shouto can come up with a reply.

I can keep this copy in my office, if you would like to come by for it sometime.

Shouto wouldn’t mind going by the professor’s office again. It wasn’t that far out of his way, and it would be a good excuse to see him and talk to him some more – either about quirks, or whatever the hell was going on at the debriefing in an environment he can’t escape so easily. But as he mentally goes through his schedule thinking of a time he might be able to get there, it would be at least another week, if not two.

Shouto grimaces, running a hand over his face.

between normal wrk nd this new case itll be a while…

Of course I understand you’re busy! Oh unless you wanted to read it sooner

Shouto glances at the time. He still has almost two and a half hours before his next shift starts. It would be enough time. Probably. Depending on how long it takes to get Midoriya to agree. He has an idea but he knows Midoriya isn’t going to like it.

are u in musutafu now?

Yes. Of course! I could drop it off at your agency!

i was thinking just my apartment

Shouto puts his phone down to find something to wear. He doesn’t usually wear normal clothes under his uniform, but he figures he has a little while before he needs to change into it. He expects to get a flurry of messages protesting his suggestion as he finds and pulls on a pair of sweatpants, but a full three minutes pass before his phone chimes with another message. It just reads: what, lacking even Midoriya’s usual proper grammar and capitalization.

Shouto snorts. He knew he wasn’t going to like it.

im at the hospital on guard today and ill be out of the office the next few days. it would be quicker

That does set off the flurry of texts he expected the first time, Midoriya insisting that wasn’t necessary and he didn’t need to read it that quickly and a few that just said no a few times. The texts are still coming in, the notification that he’s typing still lit up on the screen, when Shouto presses the phone icon next to his name and starts a call.

The phone starts to ring. And then continues to ring for so long, Shouto thinks he’s going to go to voicemail, when Midoriya suddenly answers. There’s a shuffle on the other line for a moment.

“Entro-er, Todoro…hello?” Midoriya says.

“Hello, Midoriya,” Shouto replies.

Shouto’s simple greeting seems to knock Midoriya out of his stupor, because he immediately jumps back into his protests, picking right back up where he left off in his texts. Shouto waits until he has to stop to take a breath.

“I figured you would really frown upon me texting you my address, so I thought I’d call. Do you have something to write with?”

Midoriya sputters for a moment before he sighs. “You…yeah, go ahead.”

Shouto blinks in surprise. He really expected more of a protest than that. Still, he rattles off the address before Midoriya comes to his senses and changes his mind. Midoriya has him repeat it once, just to be sure he copied everything down correctly.

“Okay. I guess I will see you in a few minutes,” Midoriya says, sounding resigned.

Shouto almost laughs at the tone. “You don’t actually have to bring it to me if it’s any trouble. I can get it from the office eventually.”

“No, I don’t mind and it’s not that far out of the way actually,” Midoriya admits. “I’m a little concerned by your complete disregard for privacy or self-preservation but otherwise, it’s no trouble.”

“‘A lack of self-preservation and privacy’ is pretty much in my job description.”

Midoriya sighs. There’s some quiet mumbling Shouto can’t make out through the phone before Midoriya seems to give up on arguing the point for the moment and says his goodbye.

Shouto plugs his phone in by the bed to charge until he has to leave. Monarch and Momo still haven’t let go of the last time his phone died while he was on duty and he’s sure even being away from the agency for the next few days won’t save him from their ire if it happens again.

Shouto is still toweling off his hair when there’s a knock on his door. He glances at the clock on his wall, but even without the visual confirmation, he knows it has only been a few minutes since his call with Midoriya had ended. It was unlikely he found his apartment that quickly. He throws the towel over the bar in the bathroom and grabs a t-shirt on his way out of his room.

He opens the front door, expecting to see one of his neighbors in the hall. Instead, it is Midoriya staring at him from the other side of the door. He looks almost the exact same as the first time they had met with his thin, crooked wire frame glasses and oversized leather satchel hanging at his side. Though he had replaced his ill-fitting cardigan with a Froppy sweatshirt and a jean jacket over a button-up. Midoriya’s eyes scan over him quickly, pausing briefly at his middle before jumping back to his face and then to the space next to his head.

“Hello,” Midoriya manages quietly.

Shouto tugs the bottom of his shirt the rest of the way down.

“Hello. I…wasn’t expecting you to find the place so quickly,” he replies simply.

“Um, yes, it was closer than I realized too,” Midoriya finally looks him in the eye again, only to look away a moment later to bow his head. “I’m sorry, I should have announced myself somehow.”

“It’s fine, Midoriya. I’m glad you didn’t have to go too far out of your way.”

They stand in an awkward silence for a moment before they both seem to remember themselves and try to speak again.

Midoriya fumbles with the leather bag at his side, searching for the book. “Right, I’m sure you need to finish getting ready for work-” he starts to say.

At the same time, Shouto steps back, opening his door further. “Would you like to come in?”

Midoriya stares at him in surprise for a moment before his gaze jumps to something behind Shouto, brow furrowing.

“Todoroki, do you live alone?”

“Um, yes?” Shouto glances over his shoulder but doesn’t see whatever it was that Midoriya must have seen.

He turns back around, but Midoriya is still staring hard at something in the distance.

“Midoriya, what did-"

A loud crash of breaking glass cuts off the rest of Shouto’s question. Midoriya reacts a second before him, grabbing Shouto’s arm and throwing them both down the hall, away from his door as flames erupt in the apartment behind him.

They tumble to the ground. Shouto lands hard on his back as they roll for a moment, the floor below him and Midoriya landing heavily on top of him knocking the air from his lungs. One of Midoriya’s hands cushioned his head in the fall, but he pulls it back quickly as if Shouto burned him.

Midoriya quickly lifts himself up, carefully checking Shouto over. “Are you alright?”

Shouto nods, not yet ready to try speaking again. The sound of a vicious fire cracks behind them and the smell of smoke is already starting to fill the hallway. Whatever was thrown has a fast-moving fire and Shouto can feel the heat even from a few feet away.

“Will your fire alarm alert the authorities?”

Shouto pushes himself to a sitting position . “Don’t have a fire alarm,” he chokes out. They really need to move. “They go off too easily.”

Midoriya stares at him for a moment like he’s lost his mind before realization dawns. “Right your quirk would probably make that a pain. Okay, I’ll call for help. But we need to get as many people out as we can before they get here.”

Shouto climbs to his feet, using the wall to hold himself up for the moment. Everything seems to feel okay, so he doesn’t think he’s injured, just winded. Midoriya looks worried but he still scrambles to his feet a moment later.

“I can get my upstairs neighbors out,” Shouto says.

“I’ll help everyone below evacuate,” Midoriya offers before Shouto has barely finished speaking. He takes off for the stairwell, glancing back at the last second. “Be careful, Todoroki.”

Shouto stares after him for a moment, incredulous. ‘I’m the pro in this situation,’ he wants to remind Midoriya. ‘And probably marginally more fire-resistant than you.’ “You too,” is all he manages instead as the stairwell door swings shut behind Midoriya. Faintly, Shouto remembers another time he watched a civilian run head-long into trouble, but he brushes off the otherwise long-forgotten memory. It was so long ago, he’s not sure what dredged up the old memory, but dwelling on it won’t help anyone right now.

Shouto forces himself away from the door and his desire to go after the apparently reckless, mysterious, crazy-overachieving civilian he just let run into danger and heads for his closest neighbor. There are only three apartments on each floor. The one next to him has been empty for months, and usually both of the Fukudas were at work during this time of day, but he pounds on the door just to be safe, calling for them both. Smoke is finally beginning to fill the hallway and he knows it will only be another minute or two before the fire itself begins to crawl its way out of the apartment too.

Shouto breaks through the door, calling for either of the Fukudas to answer as he darts through the handful of rooms laid out in a mirror of his own familiar apartment. Satisfied that it is empty, he goes back to the hall heading for the stairs. He can feel his right side rapidly growing colder as his quirk tries to regulate his body temperature. The overheated air burns his already sore chest as he runs.

Shouto is already shouting as he reaches the next floor, hoping to alert as many of his neighbors as he can. One door opens as he throws himself down the hall, an older woman looking at him suspiciously through the crack in her door. For once he’s thankful for his unique appearance because he sees recognition dawn on her a moment later, even without his hero suit.

“A fire started on the floor below, I’m trying to evacuate everyone on this floor and the next, if you have anyone home with you, get them!”

The woman nods in understanding, throwing her door open and running back into the apartment calling for someone. Shouto goes to the next closest apartment, banging on the door and calling for anyone who might be inside. The door to the apartment next door opens and a man looks out.

“What is all the racket about? They went to their parents for the week, no one is in there.”

“The apartment is empty right now?”

The man glares at him, but Shouto pushes on before he can start an argument with him. The first woman comes out of her apartment with her grandson and a small dog in tow. “Sir, there is a fire on the floor below. We’re evacuating everyone.”

The man still looks like he wants to argue, but a moment later the sound of sirens grows louder as help arrives on the scene and that seems to be enough to convince him to cooperate. The three tenants follow him up the stairs to the last floor. Two of the three doors are already open, the tenants looking out obviously wondering what all the noise is about. The woman and her grandson greet one of the two women, immediately filling them in on what’s going on. Shouto goes to the last door.

“She’s at work,” one of the women calls to him. “She lives alone. Except for a cat.”

Shouto nods his thanks for the information. “I’ll go in to get the cat. Do either of you have a window that faces the front of the building?”

The other woman raises her hand. “I do!”

“Please take everyone into your apartment, clear a space in front of the window if necessary and I’ll be there in just a moment.” Shouto instructs. He waits just a moment to make sure everyone is complying before he forces the last door open. The cat in question makes itself known immediately, rushing to the door crying for attention before it realizes he is not their owner. The cat turns tail and darts deeper into the apartment.

Cursing, Shouto uses ice to create a small blockade in the hall that leads to the bedroom and bathroom, limiting the cat’s escape routes as he darts after it, sliding across the hardwood floor leading into the hallway. He catches himself on the wall just as the cat skids to a halt before the ice, trying to turn quickly but the floor is more slippery than its accustomed to and Shouto manages to grab it as it struggles to find its footing. He gets a few heavy scratches across his arms for his trouble, and the cat does its best to escape his hold, but he manages to get it out of the apartment. He wishes he had his tool belt on him, where he might have something that could contain the cat better, and make it easier to transport, but even if the fire-resistant fabric had lasted this long, it wasn’t worth it to try and get back into his apartment for it.

He rejoins his neighbors in the other apartment. Along with the three from the first floor, there are the two women from this floor, one of whom clutches a still-sleeping baby to her chest. From the window he can see the ambulance and two fire engines that have already arrived. And based on the sounds in the distance, the police and at least one more ambulance would not be far behind. Someone offers to take the disgruntled cat from him as he throws open the window.

Smoke is billowing from a window on a lower floor, obscuring his line of sight for a moment as the winds shift. Shouto swears under his breath, he can feel his neighbors growing anxious behind him, but he knows he needs a clear shot of the ground for this to work. It takes a few minutes for the view to clear enough for him to see a good landing place. By then a few people from the lower floors have started to evacuate, and he can see the first responders meeting them as they come out. He can’t tell from here if Midoriya is with them yet, though he has a feeling the answer is no.

Pushing his concerns aside for the moment, Shouto takes a deep breath to focus. Even after all these years of playing catch up, he still has a much better control of his right side than his left, but the overheated air is already putting a strain on his right side as it keeps his body cool. He creates an ice ramp, or perhaps more accurately a slide, from the window to the ground besides one of the fire engines. It’s as far as he dares to go to keep the slide from being too steep without also becoming too thin. He reinforces the part connected to the building and as much of the underside as he can from where he is to keep the fire from melting it down.

He turns back to his gathered neighbors. The adults gathered look unsure at best, if not down right afraid, but the young boy looks excited.

“It’ll be cold going down, but you should be perfectly safe,” Shouto promises. “Who’s first?”

Shouto helps the first woman up to the window. Once she is down safe, the woman with her baby goes, climbing up by herself first before Shouto hands the infant off to her. The young boy volunteers next before his grandmother can stop him, scrambling up to the window and then asking Shouto to hand the dog up to him. The older woman goes next, clutching the terrified cat tightly to her chest as she disappears down the slide.

Shouto waits until the older man safely reaches the bottom after her before he prepares to go down himself. Taking one last look back before he drops, he sees the smoke begin to curl around the edges of the apartment door.

 The fire chief stops Shouto first once he’s down, thanking him for his help evacuating the civilians and asking about the conditions inside. Shouto gives as much information as he can about the fire and where it started. He ignores the concerned expression the chief gives him as he explains how it began. He knows it seems like an attack, and a targeted attack at that, but he doesn’t want to focus on it just yet. Eventually, the chief figures he’s gotten as much as from Shouto as he’s going to for the moment and sends him off towards the paramedics.

Shouto dodges them for the moment, finding the neighbors he helped down first to make sure everyone actually made it down unharmed. Everyone seems okay, the baby somehow still blissfully asleep and the young boy excitedly asks Shouto if he can go down his ice slide again some other time. One of the first responders found a carrying case for the cat until they could get ahold of its actual owner. He recognizes a few of the other neighbors gathered around from the lower floors. A few have shock blankets on and one person is perched in an ambulance with a paramedic attached to an oxygen machine, but there don’t seem to be any major injuries.

Midoriya is arguing with a paramedic, insisting someone else is in more pressing need of care when Shouto finally approaches one of the ambulances.

“What’s that saying about doctors being the worst patients?” Shouto asks.

Midoriya jumps, startled by his arrival, though he quick recovers from his shock to glare at Shouto.

The paramedic throws his hands up. “Entropy, please try and talk some sense into him. This is the fourth time he’s refused care.” The paramedic turns back to Midoriya and waves a warning finger at him. “I’m running out of other patients to look at.” He warns before storming off.

“Are you alright? What happened?” Shouto asks once they’re alone. Midoriya mostly looks okay, his glasses are missing and he’s a little sooty and disheveled, but Shouto figures everyone probably looks about the same in that regard.

“Nothing,” Midoriya starts to say as someone nearby loudly clears their throat over him. Midoriya scowls. “I think I might have landed on my hand funny earlier, but it’s fine, probably just sore.”

Shouto frowns. “You should at least have someone look at it, just in case.”

Midoriya opens his mouth to argue but a ringing phone cuts him off. He fumbles with his phone for a moment, struggling to pull it out of a pocket with his opposite hand. He winces as he finally pulls it out.

“Shit.”

“What?”

“It’s a video call.” Midoriya doesn’t elaborate anymore. He shifts around before he answers, holding the phone up at an angle that keeps his arm and the ambulance mostly out of the camera. He pastes on a bright smile. “Hi, Eri.”

“Oh Izuku, are you okay? I heard you were involved in a fire. Are you injured? What happened?” Dr. Aizawa asks in a rush, her worried face fills the screen. Red eyes move quickly, obviously taking note of Midoriya’s disheveled apperance.

“I’m fine. Everyone’s fine. We’re not sure exactly how it started yet,” he lies. “But no one was hurt.”

“Where are you? I’ll go-”

“No,” Midoriya cuts her off. “I’m fine and I’ll come by the hospital later so you can check me over yourself if you’re really that worried, but I’m fine. And I want to make sure someone is keeping an eye out for Kou.”

“You think this has to do with her?” Dr. Aizawa asks, surprised.

“I’m not sure yet, I would just feel better if I knew there was extra security around her.”

Dr. Aizawa nods. “Okay, Izuku. I’ll make sure someone has an eye on her at all times. I’ll call you later to check up on you.” She says. “And I’ll know if you don’t let the paramedics check on you so don’t even try it this time.” The call ends before Midoriya can refute her last statement.

“I’m supposed to be taking the next shift on the hospital,” Shouto realizes. “I still had another two hours before my shift began when you arrived, but I should let someone know.”

Midoriya offers Shouto his phone. Before Shouto can step away, the paramedic returns with his arms crossed.

“Ready to cooperate?”

Midoriya looks miserably over his shoulder at Shouto but lets the paramedic force him into a seat.

Shouto calls Momo on her private number.

“This is Creati.” Momo answers stiffly after a single ring.

“Momo, it’s Shouto. My phone is…I don’t have my phone right now. There was just a fire-”

“At your apartment building. I know I just got the alert. Are you okay? You were still home, weren’t you?”

“Yes. I’m fine. No one was injured, but they’re still putting out the fire and I’m pretty sure my apartment is gone. It started there.”

Momo takes a long time to reply. “Your quirk?” She finally asks, but she sounds like she already knows the answer.

“No. I think…It seems crazy, but…” Shouto hesitates. He lives on the third floor, but crazier things have probably happened to him. “I think someone threw something through my window to start it.”

Momo curses under her breath. “I was afraid of that. You haven’t heard from anyone else, yet, have you? There was another attack, across town. Not a fire, but a building came down. A few civilians were hurt, and…”

Shouto tries not to lose his patience with Momo as she hesitates.

Finally she sighs. “The latest report from the police just came over the radio. Mr. Smith was one of the only heroes in the area. He was severely injured while helping trapped civilians. Paramedics rushed him to the hospital a few minutes ago. No one’s sure of his status yet.”

“Fuck.” Midoriya was right. “This is about Kou. The girl from before you have to-”

“I know your schedule, Shouto.” Momo interrupts. “As soon as I got the alert I let them know you might have been targeted. Someone has already been assigned to your guard shift and they’ve added extra security to the hospital.”

Shouto feels himself relax for the first time since the fire began. If there’s one thing he can count on, it’s Momo to be on top of things. “Thank you.”

Momo replies with a quiet hum of acknowledgement. “Is there anything else I can do for you right now? Do you need anyone else at the scene?”

“No, everything seems pretty well in hand for now. But if you could let my mother and sister know, that would help. They’ll see it on the news eventually, but even if my phone survived the fire it will probably be a while before I can get it to contact them myself.”

“Of course, I’ll make sure they know you’re alright. Can I contact you on this number again?”

Shouto glances back at Midoriya. He’s, miraculously, still sitting in the ambulance doors letting the paramedic wrap his hand, but he also managed to call over one of the firefighters to discuss something about the attack. “Yeah, you can use this number again.”

“Let me know when you learn something more.”

“I will.”

“I’m really glad you’re okay, Shouto.” Momo says just before she ends the call.

Me too, Shouto thinks, looking around at all the people gathered in front of the apartment. He and Midoriya had managed to get everyone out, but if Shouto had been alone he might not have been quick enough. Hell, if he hadn’t been answering the door at just the right time, he might not have been able to save anyone at all. He would probably be right beside Mr. Smith in the hospital. I just wish it could be said for everyone.

Shouto returns to the ambulance, passing the cell back to Midoriya. Midoriya takes one look at his face and knows.

“You heard about Mr. Smith too?”

Shouto nods. “Creati already sent word to the hospital for extra security and for someone to cover my shift watching Kou.”

Midoriya cracks a small smile. Other than the one he wore to briefly pacify Dr. Aizawa, it’s the first smile Shouto thinks he’s seen from him all day. And bizarrely, it puts him at ease for a moment, lifting some of the weight of the attack.

“Remind me to send her a huge thank you gift when we finally get out of here,” Midoriya says, and even though Momo is just doing her job in her own efficient, overachiever way, he knows Midoriya is serious.

Midoriya moves over, offering the extra space for Shouto to sit down. Another paramedic almost immediately descends on them, finally checking Shouto over for shock, smoke inhalation, over-extended quirk usage, and other injuries. Other than the handful of cat scratches that they clean and bandage, he comes out with a clean bill of health. Midoriya is comparing their injuries, complaining that his “bruised wrist” didn’t need more bandaging than Shouto’s cuts, but while his tone is light, his eyes keep focusing on something in the distance, his attention obviously not on their conversation. Shouto can practically hear the wheels turning in his head as he thinks.

The fire chief eventually joins them as the fire dies down and more of the firefighters exit the building for the last time. “Thank you again, Entropy, for your help evacuating tenants before we arrived. And…Midoriya, was it?”

“Dr. Midoriya,” Shouto corrects when Midoriya simply nods. Midoriya elbows him in the side, but Shouto ignores the jab.

“Dr. Midoriya, thank you for your help as well. That was very brave of you. A number of the tenants I’ve spoken with were extremely grateful for your assistance.”

Midoriya shrugs a shoulder, as if he had truly done nothing of note. “I’m just glad I was in the right place to help, at the right time.”

“Do we know anything else about the fire yet? Or the building?” Shouto asks.

“The fire is mostly out, we just have a few more people inside checking for any hidden fires or areas that weren’t extinguished completely the first time. As for the building…it will take a little while longer to properly assess all the damage but the third floor where it started, and the second and fourth floors, took the most damage. At the very least it will be a day or two before it’s safe for the tenants to move between the floors to get their things.” The chief explains.

Shouto expected about as much, honestly he was prepared to hear worse, but it doesn’t make it easier. “Thank you for letting us know.”

The chief nods. “Of course.”

Shouto turns back to Midoriya as the chief walks away. “Can I borrow your phone one more time?”

Midoriya politely, but unnecessarily, turns away as Shouto crafts a text to Momo.

the tenants will b displaced for at least a few days. can we do smthing abt accommodations for them?

It only takes Momo a few seconds to reply.

Of course. Send me the number of people and their contact information and I’ll take care of everything.

A second text comes in almost immediately.

Will you need something too? You could always stay with me and Kyouka. Or I’m sure your mother would be happy to have you for a few days.

Shouto stares at the message for a moment. “Shit.” He hadn’t been thinking about himself. Obviously he couldn’t stay in his apartment. But he wouldn’t want to be housed anywhere near his neighbors, in case whoever attacked tried again. But that would put his friends, or family, in the same line of risk.

“What’s wrong?” Midoriya finally turns back, looking over Shouto’s shoulder. “Was there another attack?”

Shouto shakes his head. “No, sorry to worry you. Momo just reminded me I’ll need a place to stay for a while. I don’t want to risk a hotel or some public housing, if they try to attack again…”

Midoriya doesn’t need him to finish his thought before he nods in understanding. “And you don’t want to stay with your friends or family for the same reason. There’s too much of a risk they will try to target you again.”

Shouto groans, running a hand over his face. Maybe Midoriya was onto something with all his concerns about ‘privacy and self-preservation.’

“Stay with me.”

Shouto’s head shoots up. He thinks he had to have misheard, but the serious expression on Midoriya’s face suggests otherwise.

“What?”

“You can stay with me. No, you should stay with me.”

Shouto feels like he was just transported to a parallel universe. He was actually fairly confident his role as the only one to suggest ridiculous things in this newly-started relationship was already established.

“I-No. I couldn’t ask that of you.”

“You’re not asking, I’m insisting.”

Shouto ignores him. “I can stay in the dorms at the agency.”

Midoriya rolls his eyes. “That’s an extremely short term solution, at best. And a huge risk. If these villains have kept close enough tabs on you to find your personal apartment and attack it, it would be child’s play to figure out you were staying in your office, with a publicly available address, and target it too.”

“You would still be at risk,” Shouto says, baffled as to how Midoriya somehow managed to miss that very important fact. “The same way Momo and Kyouka or my family would be, I can’t put you in that position.”

“Todoroki,” Midoriya says, deadly serious. “You are not a very social hero. It is common knowledge who you are close enough with to consider a friend. And your family has been in the spotlight for years. Staying with any of them is an obvious and dangerous choice. I’m a nobody. No one knows me, no one knows you know me. Also my house is…private, secluded. Even if someone does eventually figure out you’re there, it will take much longer than any of the other places. Enough time that we can come up with another plan.”

Midoriya reaches over and takes the cell out of his hands. “Now, unless you have a more convincing argument, I will text…” he looks at the phone for a long moment as he trails off. Shouto has no idea how he can casually insist on Shouto staying with him and in the same breath be visibly uncomfortable texting a different hero. “I will text…Creati and tell her you have a place to stay. You should go collect everyone else’s information for her.”

Shouto stares at Midoriya in disbelief while he pointedly ignores him and struggles to craft a text to Momo. He only finally moves when Midoriya all but shoves him off the ambulance step, claiming to be unable to type while he was being watched.

“I…can’t make sense of you,” Shouto finally admits. Midoriya has baffled him basically since the moment they met and he’s beginning to think he might never fully understand him.

Midoriya looks up from his phone with a curious expression, as if surprised by Shouto’s admission, before it transforms into a smile Shouto has never seen before, but that he wants to pull from him again and again.

“I like to think that’s just a part of my charm.”

[mollydollyjournals]

Everything feels so quiet again. I hate this about being nocturnal. At least during the day more people are around and online and I might have a little interaction. I wonder if I'll ever get my body clock to function on a 24hr schedule. Even as a child and teenager I've always had sleeping problems though. My body clock has always fought against regular timing. I definitely find it easiest when I'm actually excited to get up for something in particular, but that's not all there is to it. Besides that feels like a tall ask right now.

I've been crying a lot recently. I dont usually cry that much at all but the past month maybe, in increasing frequency, and the majority of the past few days, I'm always on the verge of or in tears. I'm on so much prozac I can sometimes feel it pushing me to just smile through it and do something, but I think my mind wins over it when it sees that my 5 minutes of positivity didnt bring luck like everyone says it will. I'm tempted to lower my dose just so I can at least be consistently sad. Part of me hopes I'd get bad enough to SH and do more noticeable stuff so someone will realise how I feel, but part of me knows that's not how itll work and I'll just do those things and feel even worse because I'm still by myself. Most of me feels guilty because that's the dramatic stereotype and nobody likes an attention seeker, but most of me also knows it's not socially acceptable to directly ask for help and support. The times I've said a thing about how bad I feel, very obviously in need of support, i havent got it. So if i did something more, i still wouldnt get it, but I'd just be bothering people even more by letting them see. But then maybe I'd actually get the balls to just end it properly and get it over with. But I also know I'm not someone who'd do something so final without exhausting all options first, which means I'd also say that more directly, and then the same issue applies.

I'm so sick of feeling like this. I feel like such a waste of space and it's the same problem where I need x to do y but I need y to get z and I need z to get x. Whenever I try to force myself to break that cycle alone, I burn out. I feel worse for the fact that I'm doing it alone. I feel like theres no point in achieving any of it if I'm still alone. I did so much growing up by myself and doing way too much and all it got me was a bit more time alive so I could watch everyone else actually live and realise how cut off i was. Last time i had a major breakdown i came out of it over time but i felt worse afterwards than before because of the fact that I'd had to deal with it alone. I felt resentful of all the people who saw me say outright on my social media 'I feel really terrible and I need support/dont think I can deal with this alone/etc' and either said nothing or just briefly acknowledged it then continued on. I didnt really get over it, I just stopped in the same way a baby learns to stop crying eventually if nobody comes. So i came out of the breakdown with the resentful and anxious feeling that i cant really rely on anyone and am truly alone.

Now I'm so much more sensitive. Of course I'm more sensitive. I'm scared this is more permanent mental shit that I wont be able to get rid of. I cant stay like this forever. I never used to be this bad. But I had some outlets at least, and some hope that it might be different at some point. Now it feels like I'm just so worn out and I need to rest and be protected but the longer I go without it the more I need and the more impossible it gets and then I feel like theres no point in trying because theres no way to fix the cycle. Not without some anime-level miracle.

All I can do is drink and hope I get distracted by something else for a while. Hope I get chatty and confident enough to send the first messages and make the first posts, hope the audience happens to be responsive. Hope I come up with some kind of idea that'll keep me busy and entertained.

There was a day a few months ago where I drank a lot over the course of a day, and I started getting really bad palpitations where my heart was stopping for a few seconds at a time and restarting painfully. It especially stopped whenever I lay down and kept still, ie when I was trying to sleep. I thought I was probably going to die in the night so I wrote out a little note on my phone just in case. But I was kind of happy about it. For whatever reason, a few friends had been online and we'd all talked a lot, and I'd had things to do, and we talked about what we were doing throughout that day, and we all screwed around and shitposted, and it was just nice. It didnt feel so much like quarantine as just long distance friends and I felt like if that was gonna be my last day then so be it.

Of course, I didnt die. It turned out my meds needed adjusting so I did that and the palpitations lessened. I kind of wish I did just die. I guess it's morose. But it would have taken the guesswork and worrying out of all this. I'm just so tired. Its not that I dont want to get better and enjoy life. I just dont know if I can. I dont know if theres too much damage been done. I was already a difficult case before the pandemic but it's really fucked me over a lot and brought up a lot of old and new insecurities and I dont know if I'm really able to make the transition to something normal and okay.

My heart palpitations are bad again right now. Today it's because of restricting food. Theres some kind of weak heart trait in my family so I've always had the occasional palpitation, but they get bad sometimes. It's not painful right now, just weak. If I breathe too deeply it loses rhythm. I keep beginning to hyperventilate from anxiety and my heart gets irregular and weird. Of course as I say that I get some pain.

I dont feel like I can eat more though. I did have a meal for dinner. Low calorie, but a meal. So my calories for today weren't super low. One thing that's always consistent about my thing with food etc is the control element. That when everything is bad, I need something to go my way, and this is all I can do. I dont know.

Maybe I'll feel better tomorrow. Probably not. But I really want to. I really need to. It only takes small things, small distractions to keep me going. If I can just survive long enough to keep at some things to change my situation, maybe I can get out of this. But if I crack, I drink and binge and do other things that make me feel worse. I dont know. I'm trying to drag myself along but I guess it doesn't look like I'm doing anything at all.

[machine-gun-casie]

The New Years Fic Writers and Readers Ask Game

i wasnt tagged but i really wanted to do this so here it is!

What was your biggest writing/reading achievement this year?

im glad that im still writing in the first place tbh. ive read more fanfic this year than i have in my entire life for obvious reasons. but im glad i finally wrote an angst piece for the first time in my life. also almond poppy see muffins is my literal child (as well as @enchantedamusedslightlyconfused ‘s, we co-parent)

What did you learn about yourself as a writer/reader this year?

i learned that my reader inserts are more of me inserts and that isnt necessarily a bad thing considering i mostly write for myself, i had just never thought of that. also slightly nsfw but i learned that reading smut makes me sleepy?? so i started reading smut before bed lol

Did you dive into something familiar or try something new this year?

familiar: yeah fluff is like a go to for me in whatever fandom. new: DEFINITELY i started writing for kells in 2020 (can you believe) and i also started writing for spencer reid :) many nice new things

Share a comment (if a writer) or story (if a reader) that lifted your spirits this year?

i love every comment people leave me (i also read all the tags) and i compile all the ones that i like to look back on with the tag #beautiful people on my blog, but ive also been told by a couple different people that they re-read my stuff which is insanely mind boggling so yeah

as for stories theres two mgk ones i go back to whenever im going thru a rough time: fit by my side by @angrylizardjacket and vegas run by @harringtonstudios

as for criminal minds, ive got my bookmarks on ao3 for my favs on there but my ultimate favorite writers are @reidscanehand and @write-orflight who are only on tumblr as far as i know so i felt like i need to include them :) anything these two writers post i will read no questions asked 

What are you grateful for?

in general? being alive and healthy. but a lot of good things happened to me this year (as well as some really really shitty stuff but oh well). the best thing that happened to me this year no doubt was meeting @enchantedamusedslightlyconfused i love you with my whole heart jordan 

im also grateful for kells, he helped me in a way no artist ever has. if u had asked me a year ago if i even liked rap i would have laughed in ur face i kid you not. he changed me along with so many things this year and i truly feel like im the best version of myself that has ever existed

im also eternally grateful for content creators, musicians and youtubers and designers, but specifically fandom content creators. if ur reading this and u r one, know that i am so grateful for you.

and my nephew. he cute as fuck.

Have your style (writer) or tastes (reader) changed this year?

im not entirely sure? i feel like with every piece i write i get better. in the sense that its a bit more realistic than when i first started writing. i know my fluff pieces are insanely fluffy and out of reach and very fan girly i truly understand, but it used to be so much worse. so overall i feel like my writing has gotten more realistic, which im proud of.

as a reader, i hoped i could see the appeal of angst this year but i dont think i ever will.

What’s the first thing you want to read or write this year?

i dont think i wanna have writing/reading goals this upcoming year. 2020 was the worst year of my life, but just cuz the clock struck midnight on the 31st doesnt mean that the shit show is over. so i hope that if i do continue writing this year, i do it when im ready. 

Anything new you want to try in 2021?

writing wise (again if i even do keep writing this year), maybe work on some ocs. ive never done that before. itll probably still be incredibly self indulgent but something new. and possibly write a few more soulmate!au’s because those bring me such joy

Do you have any fic resolutions?

i hope i never feel pressured to write anything this year.

im tagging @enchantedamusedslightlyconfused @angrylizardjacket @harringtonstudios @storiesforallfandoms @uhuhuh and if u werent tagged and u want to do this i genuinely mean it when i say consider urself tagged by me and tag me in ur post!!