#itchose akilah 01

[feminaferitas]

"I'm trying," she said, as if she believed it.

In her heart, Jackie knew she really was trying -- but her 100% wasn't the same as everyone else's 100%. Not even on the field, if what Coach Martinez had told her was any indication. This... none of this was easy, and none of it was what she wanted. Her strength was influence, but without the structure to uphold it, it didn't mean anything.

Shauna had told her she was good at making others feel better just by being there. But in the weeks since the crash, all Jackie seemed to do was make everyone upset with her. How could she try to stay positive for everyone else when she couldn't even do it for herself?

The girl looked over at Akilah. Admittedly she didn't know her all that well, having just moved up from JV under the circumstances. A reward for her competence -- she wondered if Akilah resented that twist of fate (and the twist of Allie's fucking leg). And yet, despite Tai's ruthlessness, everyone saw her as a much better leader out here.

"You know, you're really brave," Jackie said softly. It wasn't meant to be patronizing, and she hoped it didn't sound like it. "I mean... stepping in for a championship game should be hell on the nerves enough, but ending up in all of this? I know it wasn't what you probably ever imagined. I know I wasn't really your captain or anything but... we're lucky to have you on the team."

Still, Jackie couldn't help but want to find a hole to crawl in and wait for the inevitable. She wasn't a hunter like Natalie, didn't want to get dead meat and blood under her nails like Shauna. Carrying water was okay, but others did it faster and had stronger arms than her. And, god... she couldn't put a name to it but she was spiraling out here. Because no matter what she did, it wouldn't be good enough. And it wasn't fair of her to push her problems on Akilah, but it was nice to have someone who didn't look like she wanted to tear Jackie's head off just for breathing.

"What if I just... can't figure it out? Everyone has their thing already."

@feminaferitas said, "Maybe it makes me selfish. I don't think it makes me wrong."

It's been frustrating to watch Jackie these past few weeks,   noticing the way she seemed to turn her nose up at the tasks they've all been forced to complete in order to make it through another day here.   Akilah never wants to judge the way any of her teammates cope with their conditions,   because she knows firsthand just how horrifying their circumstances are and how easy it would be just to completely shut down,   but she also knows that without them all coming together,   without the help of everyone,   they'll eventually start turning against each other,   and that's the last thing she wants.   Maybe Jackie needs a push in the right direction  —    though Akilah isn't sure she's the right person to do it.   All she can try to do now is remind her what's important,   try to reason with her in a way that maybe no one else has.

❝  I don't think it makes you selfish,  ❞    she says quietly,   though she's sure the others wouldn't agree,  given the glares and the sighs that have been shot Jackie's way every time it feels like she's unwilling to help.   Akilah's not innocent from that,  either,  finding herself frustrated with Jackie despite the logic in her brain reminding her that she's just as scared as the rest of them,  too.   She takes a deep breath,   shaking her head as she thinks it over.   ❝  Hey,  I know it's hard,   trying to figure out what you're good at out here.   It's not easy for me,  either.  ❞    That's not entirely true;   her girl scout training has prepared her for this,   in some twisted way,   and she's doing everything she can to try to prove her own worth,   something in her gut telling her that's going to be important,  the way others may perceive it just as they watch Jackie.   But if it helps level with Jackie and make her feel better,  then she'll say it anyway.   

She can't shake the way it feels wrong,   being the one to say any of this.   She's younger than most of them,   and she's not used to being part of their team,   only brought to nationals last minute because of Allie's injury.   She's still trying to figure out her place here and when it's okay to speak up,   but she likes Jackie,   and she doesn't want to see anyone turn against her —  nor does she want to,  either,   so she's trying.   ❝   But you'll figure it out.   We just,   you know,   all have to do our part.  It's how we're going to survive.  ❞