#itchose akilah

[feminaferitas]

"I'm trying," she said, as if she believed it.

In her heart, Jackie knew she really was trying -- but her 100% wasn't the same as everyone else's 100%. Not even on the field, if what Coach Martinez had told her was any indication. This... none of this was easy, and none of it was what she wanted. Her strength was influence, but without the structure to uphold it, it didn't mean anything.

Shauna had told her she was good at making others feel better just by being there. But in the weeks since the crash, all Jackie seemed to do was make everyone upset with her. How could she try to stay positive for everyone else when she couldn't even do it for herself?

The girl looked over at Akilah. Admittedly she didn't know her all that well, having just moved up from JV under the circumstances. A reward for her competence -- she wondered if Akilah resented that twist of fate (and the twist of Allie's fucking leg). And yet, despite Tai's ruthlessness, everyone saw her as a much better leader out here.

"You know, you're really brave," Jackie said softly. It wasn't meant to be patronizing, and she hoped it didn't sound like it. "I mean... stepping in for a championship game should be hell on the nerves enough, but ending up in all of this? I know it wasn't what you probably ever imagined. I know I wasn't really your captain or anything but... we're lucky to have you on the team."

Still, Jackie couldn't help but want to find a hole to crawl in and wait for the inevitable. She wasn't a hunter like Natalie, didn't want to get dead meat and blood under her nails like Shauna. Carrying water was okay, but others did it faster and had stronger arms than her. And, god... she couldn't put a name to it but she was spiraling out here. Because no matter what she did, it wouldn't be good enough. And it wasn't fair of her to push her problems on Akilah, but it was nice to have someone who didn't look like she wanted to tear Jackie's head off just for breathing.

"What if I just... can't figure it out? Everyone has their thing already."

@feminaferitas said, "Maybe it makes me selfish. I don't think it makes me wrong."

It's been frustrating to watch Jackie these past few weeks,   noticing the way she seemed to turn her nose up at the tasks they've all been forced to complete in order to make it through another day here.   Akilah never wants to judge the way any of her teammates cope with their conditions,   because she knows firsthand just how horrifying their circumstances are and how easy it would be just to completely shut down,   but she also knows that without them all coming together,   without the help of everyone,   they'll eventually start turning against each other,   and that's the last thing she wants.   Maybe Jackie needs a push in the right direction  —    though Akilah isn't sure she's the right person to do it.   All she can try to do now is remind her what's important,   try to reason with her in a way that maybe no one else has.

❝  I don't think it makes you selfish,  ❞    she says quietly,   though she's sure the others wouldn't agree,  given the glares and the sighs that have been shot Jackie's way every time it feels like she's unwilling to help.   Akilah's not innocent from that,  either,  finding herself frustrated with Jackie despite the logic in her brain reminding her that she's just as scared as the rest of them,  too.   She takes a deep breath,   shaking her head as she thinks it over.   ❝  Hey,  I know it's hard,   trying to figure out what you're good at out here.   It's not easy for me,  either.  ❞    That's not entirely true;   her girl scout training has prepared her for this,   in some twisted way,   and she's doing everything she can to try to prove her own worth,   something in her gut telling her that's going to be important,  the way others may perceive it just as they watch Jackie.   But if it helps level with Jackie and make her feel better,  then she'll say it anyway.   

She can't shake the way it feels wrong,   being the one to say any of this.   She's younger than most of them,   and she's not used to being part of their team,   only brought to nationals last minute because of Allie's injury.   She's still trying to figure out her place here and when it's okay to speak up,   but she likes Jackie,   and she doesn't want to see anyone turn against her —  nor does she want to,  either,   so she's trying.   ❝   But you'll figure it out.   We just,   you know,   all have to do our part.  It's how we're going to survive.  ❞

[lingeringscars]

@itchose said "i've never kissed anyone before" / pairing: mari & akilah

discussions about things they miss are typically, implicitly, forbidden. akilah is different from the rest of them, though, and she talks about things from before they landed here with more ease. it's nice; getting to know her and what she's done is nice. it's more than nice. before this, she never would have known that she was a girl scout, she only had a vague recollection of her family members, and mostly, she wouldn't know what it was like to be around that smile. it could light up the whole damn universe.

it doesn't stop her from thinking about walking through the high school hallways, trying to place akilah. "i thought you were dating...that guy." she doesn't really remember his name, and she only saw them together like, once, and the thought of it now makes her insides twist. if they've never kissed, though, how serious was it? was it real? did mari just make it up when trying so hard to think of who akilah was and what she was doing before they got on that plane ride together? does she have a chance? it's silly to think. she thinks it often. "do you, uh, you know, like...want to?" she should clarify. she is absolutely clarify in general. she doesn't.

meme: a hundred kissing prompts / status: selectively accepting

[lingeringscars]

@itchose

she feels lonely at night, like, all the time now. it doesn't feel right given everything, but after that night in the woods...she doesn't like the distance. lottie is starting to make her feel safe, as safe as she can feel, but no one makes her feel safer than akilah. the space next to her that akilah has occupied since that first night in the wilderness...it belongs to her.

when her eyes land on van, though, it makes her feel sick. empty. left to wonder what would have happened if she turned away? she holds herself, wrapping her arms around her as she awkwardly asks "how is..." she glances towards van and back away again. "is van going to be okay?" she asks softly. she figured out van was still alive, but what if it isn't enough? god, they're trapped. akilah made her feel brave, and she could use some of that right now.

[lingeringscars]

top 5 yj characters outside of the main 6 <3

answering this one first because it was so obviously bait

mari

akilah

travis

laura lee

jackie

ask me my top 5 anything // always accepting

[lingeringscars]

top 5 yj pairings or top 5 canon characters 👀

top 5 yj pairings is becoming ships because @itchose is evil and made me choose dynamics so see here for that.

shauna/tai. they have an intimacy that will never be recreated by anyone ever. they understand each other better than anyone. betrayals by the other feel personal even if they aren't totally. they love each other, they hate each other, they can't live without each other. they're in love and they are not. they're everything.

mari/akilah. they've been gfs from the start. they went from not really knowing each other to clinging to each other. akilah becoming the most important person to mari, the one she can be the most vulnerable around, the one that she trusts the most. mari letting akilah cheat at choosing cards (and akilah deciding against it) because she's her person.

tai/van. they fascinate me sooo much. a casual hookup turned serious that could never be maintained once they leave the wilderness. the conflict in their views and the way tai shoots her down and van learns to speak up. the love that is this common thread between them even when that happens.

lottie/laura lee. laura lee as the only person to actually talk to lottie and make her feel heard and validated. no one in her life has ever done that, and in the wilderness she's probably overheard people talking about how weird she is acting and how she lost it and she's gone crazy, which isn't great when looking at her dad! but laura lee supported her and trusted her and had this long-lasting forever kind of impact on her.

shauna/nat. who am i if i don't force them to be included. they are real to me. they meet in person for the first time and it reeks of jealousy and love gone bad. i am entirely convinced they had an affair idc. they talk shit about each other. they love each other. shauna is jealous of nat, shauna loves nat, nat loves shauna. they cry over each other. shauna nurses nat back to warmth. nat begs and begs for people to help shauna. the hunter & the butcher. they are everything. i love reminding people that when nat picked the queen card we see shauna's reaction <3 it's not just because of what comes next <3 she's second because she's second to travis in this essay i---- they are real to me <3

bonus: shaunajackie. they compel me. they live in my mind. they're in love with each other. they're part of each other. the only reason they were bumped from this list is because they would never act on any of it. also honorable mentions go to: gen/melissa, jackie/nat, & lottie/nat. i also feel like i need to put travis/nat here because they are so deeply connected and influence each other in everything.

i immediately thought this was top 5 yj canon chars and then realized it could be 5 canon in general so you're getting both dohgs

yj:

mari

nat

tai

van

shauna

bonus: akilah, travis

canon in general:

christian ozera (vampire academy). tiffany told me to read this series and thought i'd attach to other people and then i came away with him and have been with him for 9 years now. he's my number 1 forever, really. snarky, lonely, caring, pushy, loyal love of mine.

bellamy blake (the 100). another long timer. been writing him since the season 2 finale in 2015. i've been with him through the trenches. he is a part of me at this point

layla keating (all american). i added her during or at the end of season 2 or maybe at the end of s1 it's hard to remember now and it was mostly for olivia/layla w/ cj reasons but the more we got of her, the quicker she became an actual and instant fave. her depression arc(s) is one of my favorites of all time, and it's handled really well imo. she's so complex and layered and fascinating, and i will defend and love her forever

spencer hastings (pretty little liars). at this point she is also a part of me. i don't even know if i can list the reasons why she's in my top 5, especially when all the pll girls are so important to me, but this show and char are a piece of me.

daisy johnson (agents of shield). while i think mari is making her way into All Time Favorite Chars territory, i need to go with another that I always come back to (and the one on this list that I Do Not Write). daisy's story is just so important to me. she finds a home, a place, a family, and a people. she finds a purpose. she finds love. despite everything she goes through and went through, she has so much heart. she fights for what she believes in, she hates herself despite being the best person ever, she shines like the sun and kicks ass like no other. she's a hacker with a heart of gold. she's everything to me.

ask me my top 5 anything // always accepting

[lingeringscars]

her touch feels nice, light, like home. it's never lost on her that there was a time when akilah was just a girl on jv, but now she can't imagine her life without her. can't imagine being here without her. so she won't. akilah is part of the fabric of her life now, and she won't apologize or feel guilty for finding this here. she wanted to get out, wanted to help tai, and she wanted to do that with akilah by her side. "a win for girl scouts." she teases, gently, instinctively moving closer. "we're lucky to have you. i'm lucky to have you." it's not a rare show of vulnerability, at least not where akilah is concerned, but it is bolder than she typically is.

she nods, tearing up at the reminder. she doesn't shove it down or brush it off with a joke like she would if it were anyone else. "i couldn't look away. van...she's so full of life. it didn't feel right." everyone else had turned away, and she wasn't in a place to judge them for it, but she couldn't look away. they deserved to be remembered for the bright person they were, and mari was going to watch every second to say goodbye. "they have to be okay." mari didn't always understand the references that van makes, but they make her smile. she makes akilah happy, too. that does matter to her. "we definitely make a good team. i don't really want to be without you like. ever." she admits. "do you think i could stay over here with you tonight?"

she knows what mari’s trying to do,  she’s gotten used to it over the last few months,  but even though it falls flat,  she rubs her hand over her arm gently to silently tell her that it’s okay.   ❝  yeah,  um  .  .  .  definitely not, ❞   she mutters, thinking back to that time,  how she’d been so excited to learn yet was so adamant that she’d never need to use the skill.  she shakes it off, shifting uncomfortably— but not because of mari.  she leans into the touch,  trying to relax.  it’s easier when she’s focused on mari.  

her thumb brushes over mari’s arm as she shakes her head.  ❝  mari,  if you hadn’t noticed when you did,  we might—  ❞    she cuts herself off,  not wanting to be too dark, too directly.   ❝  —  we might not be here.   all of us,  ❞   she reminds,  glancing back to van for a brief moment before she turns back to mari.   she offers a small smile,  because while it’s hard to feel too proud of the job she did without any real clarity that it’s going to be okay,  she appreciates mari’s words anyway.   ❝  maybe that just means we make a good team,  ❞   she says quietly.   

[lingeringscars]

it's not like she has a great track record with guys. she's been dumped a number of times, this last one still stinging because of who she was dumped for. she doesn't think she was that bad, but the more time she spends out here, the more doubt tends to creep in. except when she's around akilah. she has a way of making her feel like she can do anything, be anything, and she wants to see the world the way she does sometimes. she doesn't, has too much fear and anger and grief inside of her, but it feels nice being around her. it feels like maybe everything was leading her here.

she tries gauging what akilah means. is the outburst because she's embarrassed not to have been dating someone or because she would never date a guy. mari has never dated a girl before, but she has kissed some. she's never thought much of it, but now she's overanalyzing everything. it has never been a big deal to her, and she would never question anything she's seen, but now it's like how is she supposed to know? akilah is the most important relationship she has, has maybe ever had, and she's supposed to just guess? go for it? well...why not? "oh. that's...okay yeah, great." great? she's never been this awkward before. she doesn't always know what to say or do, but that doesn't stop her. now she's aware of every part of her body, and any part of her that thought she was smooth before this has vanished. she tries to think of how to flirt. she's left staring at akilah's lips back.

is this about her or about kissing someone in general? before, mari would have had no problems kissing her just so she got the experience. the problem now: she doesn't want it to just be for the experience. this is more than that to her. this is the one thing she's clinging to out here, the one thing that makes sense, and the one thing she wants as much as living. "someone you trust? just...to try it out?" she probes, trying to think of it as a math problem. what is the probability of success? "see how it feels?" it feels like it would break her heart if that was all it was. she's never felt that way before. finally, she gets fed up with the awkwardness. "do you want me to kiss you?"

she feels embarrassed admitting this,  even though technically,  she knows there’s no real reason to be embarrassed at all.   before the plane crash,  she never felt like she was running out of time to have those experiences.  she never thought there was anything to be ashamed of for never actually having dated anyone— let alone kissed someone.   but now,  admitting it feels like accepting some kind of defeat,  because she used to believe that she had time to live her life,  experiment,  and figure out who she was,  but now it’s clear that this is likely all there is for them.  and even if it’s not,  so much time has been wasted here already— so where does that leave her?

her nose scrunches up and she quickly shakes her head.  ❝  what?  ❞  she asks,  letting out a scoff.  ❝  i wasn’t— no,  i definitely wasn’t dating some guy. ❞   there was a boy,  someone she thought was flirting with her,  someone she thought might actually want to ask her on a date— but it was fleeting,  and they never had the chance to make anything of it,  so she’s always left not knowing.  but the more time she’s been away from home,  the more she’s convinced herself that it was never going to go anywhere,  anyway.   she gulps at the question,  silently debating what mari is actually suggesting,  her eyes looking back to her slowly.   ❝  um—  ❞    she starts,  suddenly more nervous than she’s ever been,  goosebumps forming over her arms.  she can’t help it,  her eyes briefly darting to mari’s lips before they look back to her eyes.   ❝  i don’t want to never have the chance,  ❞   she answers,  because it’s a more vague way than saying:  yes, can you kiss me, please?  she hesitates for a moment before, because it doesn’t feel like her to avoid being honest — especially with mari.  ❝  yeah,  ❞   she finally says.   ❝  i want to.  with  .  .  .   someone i trust, ❞    she says,  trying to make it obvious,  even if the right words would be to say with someone i like,  and that’s her.  

[lingeringscars]

van is lucky, she finds herself thinking. she knows what it means to have akilah watching over her, looking out for her, sleeping beside her at night. there's no one better suited for this, she knows, and still the ache arises. the need to ask akilah to come back remains, but one look at van is all it takes to rein it in. van needs her more, right?

she's never been good at comforting, needing it more than she likes to admit (needing akilah). it's not that she expected to be met with an absolutely, but akilah's response does little to settle the fear. her presence, on the other hand, does. she's missed her, and she hasn't been able to sleep since that night. she could if she was beside akilah, though. she knows that. she puts her hand over akilah's on her arm, daring herself to look back at van. they look...dead. if not for the groans that sound at night, mari would think they failed. "you're right. she's survived too much to be taken out by wolves." the joke falls flat, though, shuddering at the reminder. "bet they never thought you'd be using it on human flesh when they taught you, huh?" subtle as always, mari. she knows akilah is trying to make her feel better. it works. "me?" she questions. "i wish i could have done more." she's good with a task; she wants to help, but how can she help in a fucked situation like this? "you did good." wanting to give that back. "even if she..." she shakes her head, not able to go there. "that was badass."

she hasn’t stopped watching van,   like she needs constant proof that she’s okay,   she’s still here.   she can’t help but wondering what her girl scout troop leader would say about the work she’d done —  or if she’ll ever even get the chance to speak to her again,   to tell her the lengths she had to go to save someone’s life.   that was never exactly part of the training,   and she never expected to actually have to put it to use,  either—  but as nervous and as scared as she was,   she’s relieved to know they got through it,  that van’s alive despite all the odds stacked against them.

when she hears mari’s voice,  she turns back to look at her,  hesitating to answer immediately.   she wants to be the positive one,  the one who is going to tell mari that everything’s going to be okay—  but she doesn’t want to lie,  and she doesn’t want to get anyone’s hopes up.  what happens if she allows herself to feel confident in what she’s done for van,  only for them to lose her later anyway?   there’s no way of knowing that the stitching is enough to save van, not with the infections they’re likely facing,  too.   she sighs,  shrugging her shoulders.   ❝  i hope so,  ❞   she says quietly,  sliding her hand away from van’s makeshift bed and over to rest on mari’s arm now.   ❝  kind of feel like if anyone’s indestructible out here— it’s van,  ❞   she says,  trying to form a smile,  hoping for something lighthearted despite the terror of the situation.  ❝  i just hope what i did for her was enough.  i was,  like,  twelve when i learned how to do that. ❞   she gulps,  eyes drifting to mari’s.   ❝  you did good,  ❞   she reminds,  focusing on that instead,  trying not to dwell on whether or not her impromptu stitching was enough.