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succubusphan · 1 year ago

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Two Man Team - Chapter 5

Summary: This is the story of two struggling friends who after many trials and tribulations find their way back to each other and build the life they've always dreamed of.

Or how Phil changed his life by talking to random strangers on the internet.

Rating: E

Tags/warnings: Friends to lovers, Friends with benefits, mental health issues (mainly anxiety), Slow burn, Dan is a psych student. Canon divergence (the timeline is altered and some things never happened), Slutty Phil, Angst with a happy ending. The fic spans many years.

Author's Note: Written for the OSPBB 2023 @oldschoolpbb. Thank you @effingmeteors for being my life saviour and beta as usual and to my artist Lin @anironsidh.

Edits and the art will be added at some point, we are busy bees.

POSTING EVERY DAY UNTIL IT'S COMPLETED.

Total Word Count: 75k ish

Read on Ao3

CHAPTER 5: La Vie en Rose

The next few months were a haze. Their channels started to grow by the thousands and they had become YouTube partners, meaning that they could actually make money from doing videos! On the other hand, Phil’s family was supportive of his creativity but not of his lack of a stable income. He was desperate to make his YouTube career work, he knew that he could do it, that they could do it, but he needed a little help.

After much whining and begging their parents for support, both Dan and Phil decided to give YouTube a shot and actually make it a priority in their lives by having filming schedules, collaborating with other youtubers on the regular and going to conventions. Things were getting pretty wild.

Phil suggested that they move in together to have a better filming space but Dan was hesitant to move away from campus. It hurt Phil’s feelings a bit, especially when he could feel Dan pulling away from him at times, but on the other hand, he understood. Dan was very set in becoming a therapist and helping kids just like him, giving them a safe space to talk like the one he wished he’d had back in high school.

While their “careers” were taking off, both of their mental health started to… decay, for lack of a better word. Dan was shutting himself in, trying to cram while also filming his videos in the confines of his dorm, not socialising with anyone other than Phil. Phil, on the other hand, was experiencing an insane amount of feelings and pains and aches at all times; he often felt like he was going to be sick or pass out or like he was actually losing his mind.

After a particularly bad week and hours of ranting to Dan, he sent Phil a link to a questionnaire he learned to use in one of his classes. It went into some hard topics such as the urge to not be alive anymore and, to be honest, that crossed Phil’s mind fairly often. The end result was clear: 98% depression.

Phil frowned. He had never considered himself depressed, but Dan stopped him right there. He said it was actually anxiety, like really bad anxiety. Having a lot of context to Phil’s replies helped him to reach a more accurate diagnosis, not that Dan was qualified yet, but it was a start.

He recommended therapy and a brand of natural sedatives you could buy without a prescription, but Phil snapped and yelled at Dan like he had never yelled at him before.

He was not crazy, he didn’t need therapy, right?

He mulled over the thought, but he was not crazy, he didn’t need therapy at all so he was not going to waste money he could be saving on something he didn’t need. The sedatives… those were a different matter. At first, he had rejected that idea as well, but when visiting his own parents became too much for him, he relented - they were crushed flowers after all.

Phil approached the pills as a sort of experiment, he just wanted to try them out and see if they helped at all, as Dan had suggested. After reading the leaflet several times over and making sure that he wasn’t taking too many, he took the first dose. It was weird, they took the edge of anxiety and put him to sleep, at least at first, his body too exhausted after being so tense for months at a time, but they weren’t a magical solution, by night, the nasty feeling in the pit of his stomach would come back to haunt him.

Eventually, he started to get used to them and instead of putting him to sleep, they helped him cope a bit better by taking the edge off his anxiety.

Apparently, what he’d been experiencing on the regular were not panic attacks, according to Dan, because he didn’t believe he was dying during them, but anxiety attacks. The sedatives held them back for the most part. Although Phil had to admit that he took more than the dosage on occasion, feeling emboldened by the fact that the O.D. amount was like 4 full boxes and he couldn’t even afford that many anyway, not with his YouTube earnings.

Dan was happy with the progress he was making, even if it was not a lot and Mark said that he looked less dead since he started taking them, and he would know, since they had moved in together after Dan’s rejection.

Dan was in therapy and into some weird forms of meditation that had nothing to do with science, like reiki, but he was still having trouble with his mental health himself so Phil really tried and failed to not burden him with his issues but at least he repaid the favour quite often. Sometimes Dan would call him in the middle of the night to talk and Phil always stayed up with him, trying to unravel whatever was eating away at Dan’s mind, talking about everything and nothing at all and Phil kind of loved it.

It was a difficult dynamic all around. After that week in December, Dan had never offered Phil sex, even when he’d stayed over and slept on the same bed, but he still behaved overly territorial about him in public. Dan seemed to be jealous of Mark as well, although Phil didn’t understand if it was because of their friendship or the benefits that came with it.

The sexual part of his friendship with Mark had settled a bit anyway. Mark and Phil still had sporadic sex if they both felt too desperate, but the excitement was out of the equation, it was more out of familiarity and as a way to comfort each other. Ever since Phil’s interest had shifted to Dan, Mark and Phil’s friendship had blossomed into something more stable and almost brotherly. The emotional connection was still there, but there was nothing else muddying it.

As roommates, they woke up together, cooked together, cleaned their flat and Mark even helped him film sometimes - just behind the camera.

---

June 2011

Phil went out of his way to throw a little birthday party for Dan since he had mentioned wanting to finally celebrate the occasion this year because he now had good friends to keep him company, but the party almost didn’t happen.

As it turned out, Dan was feeling quite overwhelmed with his newfound fame. The fans had started recognising him out and about, taking pictures of him without his consent and the shippers that constantly teased him about being gay. Dan still hadn’t come out as gay or bisexual to his fans, so this was quite rude and Phil could tell that it was really taking its toll on him. But with everything going on, Phil hadn’t expected Dan to plan a trip to Whockingham with a new friend he’d made at uni. A friend that he had admitted having a crush on.

To be perfectly honest, Phil was jealous, and admittedly frustrated because he didn’t know much about this person or their intentions, and Dan was very tight-lipped about them. All Phil knew was their name: Sam. He didn’t even know if it was a Sam or a Samantha. His stomach turned when he heard about Dan’s plans but he didn’t want to ruin them so he didn’t mention it. Still, Dan noticed that something was wrong and pushed until Phil fessed up about the party. He tried to wave Dan off and let him do his own thing, but his eyes were quickly filling with tears just thinking how easy it was for Dan to dismiss his efforts and still want to leave.

Dan thankfully put his foot down and said that he could take Sam home to meet his parents the following week; he had just forgotten Phil had mentioned something about them celebrating together.

He’d forgotten… Phil shook his head and put on a brave smile. It was fine, Dan had decided to stay after Phil mentioned it and that had to mean something, right?

Phil let out a sigh of relief at the thought and Mark was happy enough to help him set out the place, even offering to stay at a friend’s and give them privacy, but Phil didn’t want to consider the possibility that Dan would want to have sex with him again, it was probably a lost cause at this point - even if he sometimes did things that confused Phil.

Sam hadn't arrived with Dan for his party and Dan hadn't even mentioned them once, which confused Phil even though he hadn't mentioned inviting Sam either. It just came as a shock to see Dan walk in alone, making Phil realise that he had been half expecting Dan to bring Sam along, and he didn't quite know what to do with that information. In the end, the party consisted of just them three, video games, an endless supply of Malibu and movies.

At one point the doorbell rang while they were watching the conjuring and Phil managed to pour an entire bowl of popcorn onto the floor. Still laughing, Dan stumbled to the door and opened it before letting out a high pitched scream as Sarah and Anja pulled him into a hug, not that Dan knew who they were before they pulled Dan’s ears 20 times in honour of his birthday.

“Happy birthday, Dan!” Yelled Anja.

“Yeahhh, happy birthday little man!” Sarah said and patted Dan’s back a bit too hard before dragging him back to the sofa. “I’m Sarah, Phil’s old roomie, by the way. Sorry about that, we got a bit carried away,” she said and plopped down next to Dan. This is Anja, I’m sure Phil mentioned her.”

Dan nodded. “I was wondering if we would ever meet. Every time we see your group you guys never come! I was starting to think you were avoiding me,” he laughed.

“Nah,” said Sarah, waving him off. “You know how it is with new relationships, we were spending most of our time at home.” She wiggled her eyebrows.

Dan blinked repeatedly. “I didn’t know you guys were together.”

“Phil didn’t tell you? Cheeky bugger!” She said, popping some popcorn into her mouth. She looked at Anja. “Uh, it’s only been, how long?”

“Five months next Tuesday!” Anja said. “We met over the phone a few years ago and I was with someone else at the time, but when I came to visit Phil in January of this year I was free and I asked her out even though I didn’t know if she was a lesbian or not. Luckily she said yes.”

“Wow,” Dan said, grabbing his drink from the coffee table and giving Phil a side-eye. “You make a cute couple! I didn’t even know Sarah was gay.”

“I’m bi actually,” said Sarah. “I didn’t know until I met Anja either. I gave her a shot and it’s honestly been the best relationship I’ve had so far. The more you know, right?”

“Do you guys want to come to a gay party tonight?” Anja said. “We’ve only stopped for a bit because we’re heading there.”

“Uuhh,” Dan said. “No, I don’t think I can do that, but you guys enjoy it.”

Sarah gave him a knowing look. “I understand,” she said. “So what are we watching?”

“The conjuring!” Mark said. “Phil likes to torture us.”

Anja groaned. “Oh, Sarah will keep us here until it ends.”

Sarah nodded. “Just this one! It’s halfway through as well so it won’t be that long.”

Mark shook his head with a small smile and handed them drinks.

Anja grabbed the crisps and rested her head on Sarah’s shoulder.

When the movie was over, the girls started to say their goodbyes and Dan was well past the point of being tipsy, so he asked everyone for a kiss on the lips and as good friends that they were, they all obliged. Phil was overthinking things once again, making it in his mind as if Dan had taken way more time kissing him than the others, but he shut that inner monologue down and poured himself another drink instead.

Mark walked the girls out and once they were alone Dan turned to Phil. “You didn’t tell me they were together,” Dan said with a frown.

“Who?” Phil asked absentmindedly, his mind a bit clouded by alcohol.

“Sarah and Anja. I didn’t even know they had met.”

Mark walked in and raised his eyebrows at Phil but said nothing, grabbing his drink from the table and taking a sip instead.

“I didn’t know you wanted to be kept up to date with my other friends’ lives. Sorry,” Phil said, taken aback. That had come out a bit rude and he didn’t even know why. He was a bit upset about Dan’s sudden mood change and questioning.

“I don’t know, you used to tell me everything and I feel like you don’t anymore,” Dan retorted with an icy tone.

“Why are you trying to start a fight? I made this party for you, I introduced you to my friends, I always try to make you feel included, and no, I don’t keep things from you. When you talk to me I talk to you, you have just been talking to other people more.” There, he’d said it. The thing he shouldn’t have said. He was being a bad friend, he was being needy and he hated himself for it. He shouldn’t have drunk at all, now he couldn’t take his sedatives and his anxiety was just trying to crawl out of him.

Dan frowned and lowered his head. “Shit, I’m sorry. I ruin everything.”

Phil rubbed at his forehead, letting out a deep sigh and shook his head. “It’s fine. I’m sorry too. Things happen, people get busy. You’re not a bad friend because you are doing other things now.”

“But you feel neglected,” Dan said, finally meeting his eyes.

Phil shook his head again. “My feelings are not your responsibility. We both know I can get upset about the craziest of things. I will handle it.”

“I want to be there for you, like you are always there for me.”

“You are,” Phil tried.

“Here,” Mark said, giving a drink each. “I will leave you guys to talk this out,” he smiled reassuringly.

“That’s not n-” Phil started but Dan cut him off.

“Thank you, Mark!” Dan said with a tentative smile and extended his hand towards Phil.

Phil accepted the offer and let himself be guided to the balcony, grabbing one of the garden chairs and sitting outside.

“Actually, give me a sec,” Dan said and ran back inside to turn all of the lights and the TV off before returning and sitting at Phil’s side. “There. The stars are so beautiful, I like to sit outside and stargaze when I’m struggling.”

“I remember. You must spend a lot of time outside at night,” Phil joked.

“I do. Every time I call you in the middle of the night I’m out, just looking up and trying to figure things out.”

“You’re going to get stabbed one day, this is Manchester, not Whockingham,” Phil commented, taking another sip of his Malibu. “What have you been struggling with lately? You seem so far away sometimes.”

“Myself, my identity, what I want from life. I don’t know. Do I want to continue doing skits on YouTube? Do I want to become a therapist? I don’t think those two are compatible, who would take me seriously? And most importantly, what I’m always struggling with: the meaning of my life. Why do things matter? I don’t think anything matters at all.”

Neither of them mentioned Sam or what they were supposed to be 'figuring out', but Phil couldn't have cared less at that moment. He placed his hand on Dan’s and squeezed lightly. “I think you matter a lot, Dan.”

“I don’t, I’m a nobody.” Dan looked away into the night.

“You matter a lot, to me. You’re my best friend,” Phil clarified. “You have been my friend for… six years now. You’re twenty and more mature than I am at twenty-four. You have it all more figured out than I do, you just don’t know it.”

“Do you think so?” Dan asked, finally looking into Phil’s eyes.

“I do,” Phil said. “I am so proud of you and who you have become.”

Dan frowned. “What if it’s all just an illusion and I’m pretending to be this way? What if it’s all a mask?”

“I don’t think you could pretend with me. I know you, Dan. I know literally all of your secrets.”

Dan paused for a moment, as if considering that statement and nodded. “Actually, you do. Nobody else knows me better than you. Thank you.”

“Any time.”

Phil’s alarm went off. It was midnight and Dan was officially twenty. “Happy birthday,” he said, raising his glass for a toast.

“Thank you,” Dan smiled and raised his glass as well, knocking it to Phil’s a bit too hard.

“Go get the cake from the fridge.”

“But it’s my birthday and I’m comfy,” Dan whined, in that squeaky voice that Phil loved.

“Stop complaining, I’ll get the candle so you can get your wish.”

They both groaned like eighty year olds as they got up and went to get the cake and candle. It was a bit silly to be the only one singing for Dan but they were no strangers to silliness and the bright smile Dan gave him made it all worth it a million times over. Fuck, Phil would kill to see that smile every day.

Dan blew the candle and turned towards Phil, taking a step forward and getting into his space. He looked down at Phil’s lips for only a second, making him breathless, making him want to do something stupid.

Phil cleared his throat. “What did you wish for?”

Dan shook his head and ran his nose on Phil’s, looking into his eyes, searching for something, Phil didn’t know what, but after only a second, Dan smiled and kissed him deeply. They kissed and kissed and talked and laughed until they fell asleep on Phil’s bed still fully clothed.

---

Things were sort of back to normal after that. They were friendly, and often flirty, but nothing more.

All of Phil’s friends knew of Dan even if Phil didn’t want to go into detail; they had all gotten the impression that if they were not dating, at least, Dan was a good friend and therefore welcomed him accordingly. In fact, Ian invited them up north to meet his baby and it was one of the best trips they had ever taken together. Dan felt completely at ease with Ian and his wife and he was obsessed with their little girl. Phil snapped a pic of her taking a nap on Dan’s lap, one of his favourite memories of the trip, and later shared it with the internet.

Ian was still a good friend. Even if their life choices had been very different and he had gone and gotten a whole wife and kid, he was still very much a part of Phil’s life and invited him over as often as he could, not minding that Phil hardly ever said yes. He didn’t judge Phil for his sexuality, his Youtube career or his lack of achievements; he was just happy that Phil was happy. He even helped Dan and him set up a liveshow in his living room and allowed them to show the cute baby, which made everyone lose their minds.

It was a fun trip. Phil felt at ease watching Dan chatting and connecting with his friends, slotting perfectly into his group and even exchanging memes with Richard and when the guys suggested a repeat as soon as they all could in Manchester, he didn’t hesitate to say yes.

For a moment Phil allowed himself to think that their issues were resolved and they could move forward whether they got together or not. They could still be friends and have a clear separation between their friendship and the unresolved sexual tension/flirting, but he was proved wrong shortly after.

Dan routinely asked him for help to get into Sam’s pants and Phil didn’t want to be a bad friend, so he advised him as best as he could while also calling out the clear red flags Sam displayed, like when Sam constantly flirted with Dan even though they had a girlfriend.

In fact, Dan didn’t even know if Sam was out or not, or if they were even bi, maybe they just wanted someone to do their uni work for them and Dan was quite good with his papers. As it turned out, Sam was a non-binary person, which had taken Dan long enough to figure out and this was perhaps, their most intriguing quality, what caught Dan’s eye. In his own words, the androgyny of this person allowed Dan to be attracted to them and he didn’t know what that meant.

A few weeks after their trip, Phil almost got green with envy seeing pics of Dan and Sam spending lots of time with Dan’s family. He even took them to his nana’s house, and Phil had not been to hers. It seemed that Dan felt more comfortable sharing Sam with his family, taking pictures of his mum with them and showing them around, unlike Phil who barely got to see Dan’s room 90% of the time. Phil wondered if they had shared a bed but he drew the line at asking. That would’ve been too low, even for him.

In October they filmed the third instalment in what was now a series, Pinof, and the fans went crazy about it. It was exciting but nerve wracking because Phil had no idea if the format would work a third time without people getting bored of it, but luckily, it did. By December Phil was burned out, he was constantly exhausted but he couldn’t sleep at all even with the sedatives, so Dan offered to send him Reiki from his dorm.

Phil had a very vague understanding of what it was, but he trusted Dan enough to let him do his thing. If Dan said it would help him, he figured there was no hurt in trying. So after a particularly exhausting filming day, Phil went to bed as instructed and tried to sleep but it was useless, until-

He started to feel tingles all over his body and shut his eyes, feeling himself relax, all worries leaving him, at least for the time being, and before he knew it, he was asleep.

The following day was insane for many reasons. First, he asked Dan if he’d started the thing at 9 pm which was when he felt the tingles and Dan confirmed that yes, that was the time.

“You are possessed and I’m scared of you,” Dan said over Skype.

Phil laughed. “What do you mean?”

“You know how my dorm is full of pigeon nests and they are always hanging out on our windows?”

“Yeah?”

“I’ve been here for over a year and I’ve never seen anything like it. When I started sending you reiki, the pigeons went wild and one of them crashed into my fucking window like it was trying to kill me!”

“Oh my god! What does that mean?” Phil asked, still laughing. That was so creepy but it made him weirdly proud. If anyone was to be a demon child, it made sense that it was him.

“I don’t know, but animals dying while trying to kill me for sending you good vibes is mental. I think you need to call the Vatican, mate.”

“Yeah… but can you do it again in a few weeks? It was good.”

Dan laughed. “Maybe, if you’re good.” He winked.

----

December 1st 2011

Phil looked out the window and let out a tired sigh. The storm raging outside reminded him of his own mood.

“Life is hard sometimes,” he said, looking into Dan’s eyes through the screen.

“I know, but things can always be worse,” Dan said with a cheeky smile. He always did that, find comfort in sarcasm.

“True, but I still feel upset sometimes. Yesterday I watched my favourite movie again and I cried so hard I couldn’t breathe. But I guess that’s normal, I can never watch it without crying.”

“Oh, what movie is that?” Dan asked, suddenly sitting up straight.

Phil blinked, realising that he had never mentioned it to Dan which was odd since they had watched so many films together. “What dreams may come, with Robin Williams.”

“Why does it make you cry?”

“It’s very sad, most of his family dies and he’s just lonely, but it has a good ending,” he said, trying not to spoil the main plot point.

Dan hummed. “Would you recommend it to me?”

Phil considered it and shook his head. The way one of the characters died... better not send Dan that kind of thing. “No, I don’t think it would be good for you. It’s too sad.”

“My favourite movie is sad too.” Dan shrugged. “Do you know Edith Piaf?”

“Uh, the singer?”

“Yeah, ‘La Vie En Rose’ is a movie about her life, and she had an awful life. She was a very strong woman.”

Phil swayed side to side, considering if he was curious enough about Dan’s tastes to watch another sad movie so soon. “Should I watch it?”

“Absolutely, it’s a beautiful movie.”

Phil flinched as thunder hit way too close for comfort and decided to call it a night. “I’ll watch it tonight then. Better go to bed before something explodes here.”

“Yeah. Let me know what you thought.”

“Alright, good night!”

“Night, Philly!” Dan said before disconnecting the call.

It took some time for Phil to get snacks and find a semi-decent website to watch the movie for free, but he eventually did and settled down under the covers before pressing play.

The movie started sad, truly sad, more than Dan had let on, but things eventually started to pick up for Edith. She pulled herself out of poverty and a horrible living situation with her talent alone and found a modicum of success in time, which was amazing, but she struggled to find love for the longest time.

Phil couldn’t help but relate to her and empathise with her and feel the sheer glee she felt when she met the man that had inspired her most popular song and the name of the movie. She was so happy and in love.

It reminded him of how he felt when he met Dan and how happy Dan made him, but that proved to be a double-edged sword when Edith’s love died in a plane accident, shattering her heart and leaving her hopeless and loveless for the rest of his life.

Phil’s eyes welled up with tears; he could relate to that as well. It reminded him of the uncertainty surrounding his situation with Dan, the hopelessness he felt as Dan slipped through his fingers.

Phil cried, he cried for Edith, who only knew love once and lost it and he cried for himself because he got to know real love only for it to be thwarted, confusing, intense and maybe even unattainable. He covered himself up in bed and sobbed until his entire body hurt, hoping to fall asleep soon, but just as he shut his eyes, his phone vibrated. It was a message from Dan.

“How was the movie?”

“Fuck you.”

“I told you it was sad, lol. I watched your movie anyway. I like the concept. It’s like us. I don’t believe in soulmates, but I know I could find you in any world.”

“I hate you.”

Phil knew that Dan didn’t mean it in the way he needed him to and that only made it worse. He wondered if he was destined to die sad and alone like Edith because he too was losing his soulmate.

---

December 25th 2011

Just after 3 am Phil’s phone rang and it was Dan, of course. “Hey.”

“Hey,” Dan said, sounding a bit sad. “How are you doing?”

“Great. Martyn and Cornelia are here being all over each other and that doesn't help to keep our parents off my back about when I’m going to bring someone home.”

Dan laughed humourlessly. “You’ll find someone.”

“Yeah,” Phil said, wanting to argue but knowing that something was wrong with Dan. “Are you alright? You sound a bit off,” he said before Dan could deny it.

“Sam is considering breaking up with their girlfriend because they are having issues. The girlfriend cheated, and she’s honestly not a very good person, but at the same time Sam doesn’t really want to break up after two years together but they keep flirting with me, running their fingers through my hair and they even slept over at my dorm one day when we were cramming. I don’t know, I feel like I’m going crazy. Do you think Sam likes me?”

“Um - If I had to guess, yes. But the signals are not very clear with the whole girlfriend situation. Why does Sam keep flirting with you while they are in a relationship? I can’t find the logic in any of it.” Phil was proud of himself for biting his tongue instead of saying exactly what he thought about Sam.

Dan hummed. “I think their relationship is pretty dead but they are just trying to pretend like it isn’t.”

Phil frowned. “Do you think you should be holding out hope? I don’t want you to get hurt.”

“Probably not,” Dan admitted and let out a long sigh.

Phil bit his lip and took a moment to gather his thoughts. “I don’t know. I think that Sam may be interested in you but flirting while being in a relationship isn’t good. What if you got together and they did the same with someone else? Would you trust them to not do the same?”

“That is actually a good point,” Dan admitted. “I just don’t know if this is a thing. Are they interested in me? Are they just playing? At this point I don’t even know if we are actually good friends or I’ve imagined that all on my own.”

Phil swallowed thick and shut his eyes tightly, bracing himself for what could be the devastating truth. “Are you in love with them?”

“Jesus, Phil!” Dan said. “I don’t know if I’ve ever been in love with anyone, let alone with Sam.”

“So you were never in love with Emilio?” Phil pressed. It was wrong of him to bring Emilio up but he wanted to know.

“No, I don’t think so,” said Dan, sounding very small. “Maybe I just can’t love anyone. I don’t think anyone has loved me either so maybe that’s for the best.”

Phil bit his tongue a bit too hard to stop himself from telling Dan that he loved him. He actually hadn’t thought about it, what kind of feelings he had for his friend, that is. He hadn’t wanted to think about actual love, hoping that avoiding that train of thought would help him keep his emotions at bay, but Phil should have realised that he was awful at that. “Someone will love you. Someone who is good for you, not like Emilio…”

“Not like Sam either?” Dan asked. “That’s what you were thinking, right?”

Phil paused for a bit too long.

“You don’t like Sam for me, do you?” Dan pressed.

“Well… You know about my experience with cheating and Sam sounds like a cheater, if not a physical cheater, Sam is emotionally cheating with you. I don’t like that, but I’m not the person who has to like it, that’s you.”

Dan huffed. “You are not making this any easier,” he snapped.

“I don’t know what you want me to say. What should I say?” Phil mumbled, trying not to let Dan know that his comment hurt.

“Don’t be like that,” Dan pleaded.

“What?” Phil asked, his voice breaking.

“I’m sorry, it’s not your fault,” Dan said. “I just don’t know what to do.”

“Ok,” Phil whispered and cleared his throat. “I’m going to sleep now.”

“I’m sorry,” Dan said, sounding a bit more desperate to placate Phil.

“It’s fine, I’m just tired,” Phil tried. “Bye,” he whispered and hung up before Dan could reply. He turned off his phone and got to bed and covered himself up to his head, letting the tears flow freely. The entire situation was shit, he was exhausted, Dan only cared about Sam and talking about Sam and he was getting more distant with Phil when all Phil could do was love him.

Dan sent Phil a Merry Christmas text in the morning, but Phil didn’t reply.

#succubusphan fics #phanfic #phanfiction #dan and phil #phan #ospbb 2023

2 notes · View notes

carewyncromwell · 4 years ago

Note

Jacob/Duncan

XDD Considering that this request came into my Askbox five times in rapid succession, I’m going to guess that someone REALLY wants to hear more about these two!! LOL!! Don’t worry, I will always love talking about my precious ghost boi and my book-smart, people-dumb spaceman. <3

Jacob/Duncan

Ship Theme: I Don’t Know How to Love Him (cover) by Helen Reddy

Okay, so a lot of this is based just on back-story I’ve developed for my version of Jacob -- Jacob Cromwell -- and his Duncan, since I know there are plenty of people who don’t ship their Jacob with Duncan and there’s a lot the game leaves vague about these two and their past.

Much like Rowan and Carewyn, Duncan and Jacob were each other’s first real friend. Since Jacob’s father was a Muggle, Jacob didn’t learn that he was a wizard until after he received his Hogwarts letter, and so in grade school, he was largely (and kind of unfairly) seen as a delinquent troublemaker for the fights he’d get into with the people who tried to bully him and the magical outbursts that would sometimes ensue. Duncan, meanwhile, lost his mother at a very young age and subsequently had a huge falling-out with his father when he married another woman (who Duncan suspected his father had been romantically involved with while his mother was ill) mere months after his mother’s death. This made Duncan as a boy spend a lot of time with his mother’s parents, just to get away from his father and stepmother, and his maternal grandparents tutored him from their home since Duncan refused to be homeschooled by his new stepmother.

Duncan and Jacob first collided when the first years all had to take boats across the Lake with Hagrid to get to school, and Jacob and Duncan ended up in the same one. Jacob had been so enamored with the castle that he’d tripped over his own two feet and landed full on in Duncan’s lap. The two boys quickly dislodged, and Duncan rather bluntly asked if Jacob was Muggle-born. Jacob said no rather shortly, considering that the Muggle father he disliked so much had just walked out on his family, but within seconds any irritation in his expression was completely gone as he once again became entranced with the school they were approaching. Duncan kept shooting the weird boy looks the entire trip, thoroughly confused since even if the school was impressive, he probably wouldn’t look so love-struck by it himself. Duncan will likely never forget when the first years all entered the Great Hall and Jacob walked the entire way up the hall staring with an open-mouthed smile and starry eyes at all of the floating candles as if he were a kid at Christmas.

Because the two ended up in different houses (Slytherin and Ravenclaw), Duncan didn’t interact with Jacob again until they started having classes together. Jacob pretty quickly became the star pupil in just about every class, which both weirded Duncan out and irritated him considering that Jacob clearly hadn’t known anything about magic beforehand. Duncan probably would’ve nurtured cold resentment toward Jacob were it not for the Ravenclaw one day approaching Duncan in the library, randomly asking him seemingly out of nowhere about the location of the Slytherin commonroom. Duncan sputtered, perfectly bewildered, as Jacob -- in typical confident, airhead scholar fashion -- explained that he’d developed a theory that each of the four houses’ commonrooms were themed around a classical element, with Ravenclaw obviously being air, considering its eagle mascot and location high up in Ravenclaw Tower; Gryffindor being fire for its warm color scheme, Hufflepuff being earth for its association with Herbology and badgers, and therefore Slytherin being water. “Is your commonroom under the Lake?” Jacob pressed curiously. Duncan at first was very defensive about the question, declaring that his commonroom and its location were none of Jacob’s business and rather coolly adding that if Jacob even tried to sneak into the Slytherin commonroom, he’d probably get hexed by a couple dozen older students. Jacob contemplated this for a moment -- then, completely nonplussed, he said with a determined white smile, “...All right -- then I’ll just follow you! No sneaking necessary.” Jacob then proceeded to follow Duncan around for the rest of the day, much to Duncan’s utter exasperation -- but the incident, which did include Duncan actually holding the wall open long enough that Jacob could get a nice long look at his commonroom, made him realize two things about his classmate: 1, that Jacob Cromwell, however smart he was in class, was an absolute idiot; and 2, that he saw the world with a kind of depth and wonder that Duncan had never experienced before.

The two started sitting in class together, and through the years, Duncan found himself enjoying himself at school more and more, being around Jacob and his infectious fascination with everything. It made Duncan come out of his shell and become both snarkier and more prone to mischief -- and Jacob, ever enamored with excitement, was always thrilled to take part. Soon enough Jacob’s housemate Olivia joined their friend circle, and the three got into a lot of trouble and adventures while at school, especially once they started pursuing the Cursed Vaults.

It was circa fourth year that Duncan really started becoming aware of how deep his feelings for Jacob had gotten, but he was all too aware both of how ignorant Jacob was of them and of how intimidated he himself was, feeling them to begin with. Duncan’s grandparents -- the only family members he was still on good terms with -- were conservative enough that Duncan wasn’t sure how well they’d take him being interested in another guy, and Duncan and Jacob would get into petty arguments often enough that Duncan was afraid that their friendship wouldn’t last if they got serious and then broke up. Jacob, for his part, was completely unaware both of Duncan’s feelings for him and his own deepening feelings for Duncan, but subconsciously expressed them from time to time all the same.

One prominent example was when one of their yearmates, a Gryffindor named Sharon Edgecombe, tried to drug Duncan with a Love Potion so he’d ask her to a school dance. Fortunately Jacob figured out very quickly that Duncan’s drink had been compromised after catching a whiff of an unfamiliar smell and, after determining that Olivia, he, and Duncan each smelled different things, he pretty quickly deduced that it was a Love Potion. Without telling Olivia or Duncan, Jacob took some of the drugged drink with him and tried to dilute its ingredients to figure out who had sent the Potion, and he eventually found out that it would’ve made someone fall in love with Sharon Edgecombe. Furious, Jacob went up to the dance now in progress and confronted Sharon. Sharon rather unconvincingly denied having given Duncan the Love Potion, but once her date was out of ear-shot, she made the mistake of muttering under her breath that Jacob was just mad he hadn’t been smart enough to think of doing it first. Jacob in retaliation shoved Sharon so hard that she landed back-first into the punch bowl and brought the entire concession table down with her. Sharon’s date (a rather tough-looking Beater on the Hufflepuff Quidditch team) immediately whipped out his wand, preparing to attack Jacob, when who should come to his rescue but Duncan, who’d run over with Olivia at the sound of the commotion and hexed the Beater with a spell that made sardines spill out of his nose. Duncan and Jacob both ended up in detention and missed the rest of the event, but Olivia was able to pinch a bundle of blue-fire-enchanted streamers from the dance, which the three split and used to decorate their four-poster beds.

After the loss of Olivia, who had often played peace-keeper whenever Duncan and Jacob got into arguments, the two boys found themselves more at odds. What had been fun and exciting had suddenly become very dangerous, and they both knew it. Duncan was willing to push through because of his ambition to be a Cursebreaker, while Jacob found himself only pushing through out of a desire to make up for what had happened to Olivia and to keep R from hurting his mother and sister. A lot of what went down with R and Duncan’s death is still unclear in the game, but the last present Duncan gave Jacob before his death was a set of scarlet dress robes, handsomer and better in quality than anything Jacob had ever owned before. Not long after that, Jacob was expelled from Hogwarts and he found out second-hand that Duncan had died. The two events back-to-back shattered Jacob’s entire world -- now not only did he have no future and no chance of escaping R’s web, but he was now completely alone...and he only had himself to blame. It’s very likely that -- were it not for the memory of his younger sister, Carewyn -- Jacob would’ve ended his life that night. When Rakepick persuaded Jacob to help her with the Portrait Vault, with the thought that he could finally make things right, Jacob wore Duncan’s robes on his mission -- and since he’s been released from the Vault, he’s worn them ever since, with the thought that he wants to be wearing them when he destroys R once and for all.

Duncan and Jacob’s relationship, for me, has ripples of the Steve/Bucky relationship from the MCU if their romance wasn’t totally teased and then never followed through on >>. They each are sort of “out of their own time,” as Duncan died at age 17 and Jacob is still 18 after having been locked in a portrait for seven years. They each were condemned to a fate that was their own worst fear -- Duncan’s fear of being insignificant made him not cross over to the next life, since he would’ve died having accomplished nothing of value, while Jacob’s fear of being trapped and unable to move is brought to terrifying life by his traumatic experience in the Portrait Vault. They each cared so much for each other, but either out of pride or ignorance was unable to act on those feelings before it was too late. This makes it so that Duncan and Jacob, in a strange way, are also each the only one who can truly understand what the other has gone through and is currently going through. For all of Duncan’s resentment, thinking that Jacob didn’t care about his death, he knows somewhere deep inside of him that that resentment comes from his own insecurities about how little he thinks his life meant and how much time he and Jacob wasted. Duncan hates how much his memories of Jacob still hurt him, and it’s only really after meeting and befriending Carewyn that he’s slowly starting to come to grips with how much he’s projected onto Jacob in a vain attempt to absolve himself of his own guilt. And on Jacob’s side, the loss of Duncan has made Jacob more afraid than ever before of losing his mother and especially Carewyn.

But yeah, as if you couldn’t tell, I ship these two to the moon and back. They may not live happily-ever-after, but I’d like to imagine some time, way, way, WAY in the future, their reunion in the after-life would be a very happy event for both of them.

Ship Ask!

#ooc #duncan ashe #jacob cromwell #jacob #hphm #hogwarts mystery #opinion #analysis #ship ask #that art at the top was like...the first time I ever drew duncan and only the second time I'd ever drawn jacob #it's weird seeing how much my art's changed over the span of a few months!

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whatwillyoudodifferently · 4 years ago

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Look, Louts! Lilies! - Yuri For A Hope-Flung Present and Hopeful Future

Look, I’ll be frank. I typically try to keep to a more formal tone when I write for this blog. I’m not in a formal mood. It is June October 2020, and I, like the rest of you, have been under quarantine for a little over three almost seven months now due to the Covid-19 virus. Throw in a eensy, teensy bit of massive political movements and change in response to police violence and racism, and an increase of police violence and racism in response to those movements, and I think it’s fair to say it’s been a tumultuous couple of months. Except, strangely, it also hasn’t been, because so much of this time has been characterized by ennui and isolation. Stressful, yet soul-numbing. In short, it’s been a very weird place to be in.

So, we’ve all found our different ways to cope. My sister’s way has been getting really into succulents(?), and my way has been buying digital manga and video games. I’ve finished stuff I’ve put off for literal years and bought stuff I had heard was good but wasn’t that hyped to get into. And somehow, the one thing I’ve really gotten into has been yuri?

Now, yuri has a very long and rich history, as well as its own sets of conventions and nuances, so it is with a great, great, GREAT deal of respect that I say that I’m going to simplify it for this essay as “Japanese media with a particular focus on romance between women” for brevity’s sake. If you want to know more, there’s actually quite a lot that’s been written about it in English, but I’m aiming this essay at English-speakers who have had at least a little experience with yuri and more than just passing knowledge.

Because you see, I’ve found that yuri fans have a lot of things to say about yuri! And a lot of those things really bug me!! “Yuri is only fetish quasi-porn written by men,” “yuri is only bland wholesome fluff,” “yuri is only high school drama,” so on, so on. It made me mad, but it also made me realize something: a lot of people simply must not know how big this field of lilies truly is! How else can we get people saying “yuri is oversexualized” and “yuri is sexless” as gospel truth? Something’s not adding up here, guys!

So, all that is to say I’m doing something different for this blog: I’m writing up a recommendation list of yuri. A large chunk of it will be stuff I’ve read and can officially give my seal of approval to, while some of them are just titles I’ve heard of that I think will interest others. All of them have been specifically chosen to counter common untrue things I’ve heard about yuri as a whole. I hope you can find at least a few things on this list that you will enjoy and help you keep your head as the encroaching darkness lurches yet a few inches closer!

1. “Yuri is all schoolgirl stuff! Where’s the sci-fi, the period pieces, the action, the fantasy?”

Otherside Picnic

What It Is: A light novel series written by Iori Miyazawa (illustrated by shirakaba). Ongoing, four volumes at time of writing. The story is being adapted into a manga by Eita Mizuno, and an anime adaptation directed by Takuya Satou will be airing in January 2021.

What It’s About: It was on her third trip to the Otherside that Sorawo Kamikoshi almost died, and it was on that same trip she was saved by an angel. Toriko Nishina is a beautiful and confident young woman who also happens to have intimate knowledge of the Otherside, a dangerous yet captivating world that Sorawo can’t help but being drawn to. Toriko convinces Sorawo to join her on her expeditions to the Otherside, fighting off bizarre creatures that have somehow been ripped out of Japanese urban legends and finding strange artifacts in order to make a little extra cash-- all the while keeping an eye out for someone dear to Toriko’s heart.

What I Think: Otherside Picnic is heavily inspired by the novel Roadside Picnic by Arkady and Boris Strugatsky and features several creatures and scenarios from ghost stories, net lore, and-- there’s no other way to put this-- creepypasta. On paper this sounds deeply unoriginal, so it’s pretty surprising that OP has an incredibly strong identity. The idea of fusing horror with a yuri love story excited me enough the moment I heard about it, so when I finally got to read it for myself, I was delighted to find that the horror elements and the romance elements are both quite strong.

I will say that thanks to the author’s commitment to following his sources of inspiration to the letter sometimes causes him to undercut his own writing (good example: in one arc there’s an ominous train that keeps being mentioned, causing the reader to dread its arrival with each passing page, but seeing what’s on the train will inevitably fall flat in comparison to the reader’s imagination), but those moments are made up by the more original moments-- the things that are left unseen and unexplained.

The place where the story truly shines is the relationship between the two leads. Sorawo and Toriko are great characters, both incredibly charming and deeply flawed, and they achieve a great chemistry with each other right off the bat. Sorawo is a very interesting protagonist, one who turns out to have a deeply tragic past that has made her into a reclusive, somewhat selfish young woman. What’s great is that Toriko, vivacious and confident, everything Sorawo isn’t, accepts this part of her, in a way. Toriko flat out admits she’s not looking for a particularly virtuous person to accompany her, but an “accomplice.” A big part of the appeal of OP is seeing these two “accomplices” bounce off each other, and eventually come to care about each other, all playing against a background of some genuinely spine-crawling horror. Otherside Picnic is a truly underrated series, and I deeply hope that the anime adaption next year will finally get it all the eyes it deserves (menacing phrasing very much intended).

Where To Get It: The light novels are published by J-Novel Club and can be found via various digital platforms and bookstores. The manga will be published by Square Enix Books starting May 2021. The anime will start airing on January 4th, 2021.

Goodbye My Rose Garden

What It Is: A manga by Dr. Pepperco. Three volumes, complete. It inspired a stage play that ran for a while in Japan, but not much information is available about it in English.

What It’s About: Hanako has two goals: to meet Victor Franks, the mysterious author who pens the books she adores, and to become a writer herself. Despite having the mettle to travel to England on her own to pursue her dreams, she soons finds that it’s difficult for a young, unwed Japanese woman to dream in 20th century London. However, her luck seems to turn around when she meets Alice Douglas, a noblewoman who offers her a job as her maid-- as well as a surprisingly warm friendship. Alice even offers Hanako a way to meet her idol… but at the price of a horrifying request.

What I Think: In the afterword of Volume 1, Dr. Pepperco openly admits that Goodbye, My Rose Garden was the result of them trying to marry all of their favorite tropes (“Victorian maids! Loads of frills! An English family manor!” are some standout items), and this is apparent in the best way possible. GMRG is a lush period piece that will likely appeal to fans of movies like The Handmaiden and Portrait Of A Lady On Fire, with loving attention paid to details like clothes and settings.

The relationship between Alice and Hanako is quite charming, with Alice supporting Hanako as much as she can while still taking every available opportunity to tease her, while Hanako constantly surprises Alice each time she shows her moxie and strength. It’s an adorable, sweet dynamic, yet a dark, melancholy weight lurks in the background in the form of Alice’s request-- in short, it’s a relationship that feels tailor made for me. Still, I believe this “darkness” never threatens to overwhelm the story, only enhance it in such a way that the reader will soldier on, hoping for a happy ending for our two leads. With an engaging plot and gorgeous art, this is a great manga for both longtime yuri fans and newcomers looking for an introduction to the world of yuri.

Where To Get It: Seven Seas Entertainment has translated the first two volumes, with the final one coming to English soon all three volumes into English.

Seabed

What It Is: A visual novel by paleontology, a Japanese doujin circle.

What It’s About: Mizuno Sachiko is a designer who is haunted by visions of Takako, her vivacious childhood friend and former lover. Narasaki Hibiki is a psychiatrist who wants to help Sachiko make sense of these hallucinations. Takako is… confused, trying to figure out why she keeps losing her memory and why she and Sachiko drifted apart despite being so close. Seabed is a story that spans the pasts and presents of these three women as they attempt to find and understand the truth.

What I Think: At first glance, Seabed seems simple, but it’s a bit of a hard story to explain. In a way, there isn’t much to explain-- it’s a very slow, down-to-earth story that gets almost tedious at times. I think it would be a hard sell to someone who isn’t used to visual novels, but I could imagine it being challenging even for fans. All I’ll say is this: if you give Seabed a chance, it will draw you into a surreal, gentle, melancholy tale akin to slowly sinking beneath the water of a strange, yet not unfriendly sea. For its simplicity, it’s got quite a few surprises in its long, long runtime, and any attempt to explain further will just ruin an experience that’s meant to wash over the reader over time. The only thing I’ll say is the one thing I think everyone knows: the climax will make you cry.

Where To Get It: Seabed is published in English through Fruitbat Factory and is available on Steam, Itch.io, and Nintendo Switch.

SHWD

What It Is: A manga by Sono. Ongoing.

What It’s About: Sawada is one of the few women working for the Special Hazardous Waste Disposal, and the only one in her office. But that changes when the stunningly-strong yet staggeringly-sweet Koga is hired, and the two become close in no time. Sawada trains Koga and soon the two go on their first mission to dispose of the “hazardous waste” left after a recent war… the dangerous, organic anti-human weapons known as the Dynamis.

What I Think: SHWD opens with several close-ups of Sawada’s arm muscles as she works out. I have found that page alone is sometimes enough to convince someone to read SHWD, and if not, pictures of Sawada and-- especially-- Koga are often enough to do the job. In all seriousness, what I love about SHWD can be summarized by something Sono said in an interview about the manga:

‘The first motivating force was "I want to write a yuri manga featuring strong women." I was very drawn to strong female characters by watching "PERSON of INTEREST" and "Assassin's Creed Odyssey." However, I felt that I should differentiate myself by doing something other than a "strong woman" and "weak woman" dynamic. So, I thought about coupling women with different types of strength. This is why all of the SHWD main characters are "strong women."’

It’s a mindset I love a lot. Koga is remarkably strong in a physical sense, but her mental fortitude is fragile due to her past experiences with the Dynamis, and as such, it’s Sawada who uses her immense mental strength to support her. Indeed, every character in SHWD so far bears intense trauma born of the Dynamis in some way, and it’s hard to see how their pasts still hurt them in the present. But that just makes it satisfying to see these women come together to support one another. SHWD drew me in with a unique and often dark action-oriented story with horror elements, but it’s this idea of “strong women” who make up for each other’s weaknesses that really makes it dear to me.

Also, it can’t be stated enough that Sono is so so so so so (etc) good at drawing muscular women.

On a completely unrelated note, there’s a side story about Koga and Sawada playing sports together. This includes judo. I am saying this for no reason.

Where To Get It: The English translation of the manga is released in chapters by Lilyka Manga.

Sexiled: My Sexist Party Leader Kicked Me Out, So I Teamed Up With a Mythical Sorceress!

What It Is: A two volume light novel series by Ameko Kaeruda, illustrated by Kazutomo Miya. Possibly complete.

What It’s About: Tanya Artemiciov is an absurdly talented Mage. So why the hell was she kicked out of her adventuring party? Her leader and former friend sums it up in four words: “You’re a woman, Tanya.” In a fit of rage, Tanya channels her anger into a “venting” session that involves swearing her head of and casting a volley of Explosion spells into the wasteland… and accidentally releases a legendary sorceress! Luckily, Laplace is actually quite nice, and just as powerful as the legends say, so the two decide to team up so Tanya can have her revenge!

What I Think: So, this is a silly one, but after a couple of darker entries I think it’s a good palate cleanser. Sexiled is a loud, not-even-remotely subtle, unabashedly feminist take on the “power fantasy” light novel, especially the “revenge fantasy” subgenre-- and even if that sounds awesome on paper to you (ex. me), it will probably feel over-the-top at times to you (ex. me). But in a way, that’s actually kind of its charm.

I like that Kaeruda utterly refuses to let up on what she wants to tell you, especially because the story was inspired by a real case in Japan. One may be tempted to think “this story is ridiculous, no one would ever be this cartoonishly sexist!” and then you read a news article about how in a famous Japanese medical university was found rigging the test scores of women, and you realize, “oh, people are still this cartoonishly sexist.” So I’m fine with Kaeruda letting it all out in this story. At the same time, I think Sexiled is best when it’s focused not on Tanya’s revenge but on her kindness, and the way her compassion, her strength, and yes, her anger inspires the women and girls around her.

Sexiled is a fun and often very funny romp about assholes getting theirs, with some surprisingly deep and nuanced moments hiding in a very unsubtle story.

Where To Get It: The light novels are published by J-Novel Club and can be found via various digital platforms and bookstores.

BONUS: Other titles with sci-fi/fantasy/action elements that may interest you!

The Blank Of Describer: A one-shot manga by kkzt about a pair of two dream-builders. They’ve taken all kinds of commissions in the past, but one job they recieve throws them for a loop: a request for a shinigami that can predict and report death. And then comes the kicker: the customer asks the two of them to give it features that the both of them “adore the most…” (Published in English by Lilyka Manga)

A Lily Blooms In Another World: A light novel by Ameko Kaeruda (illustrated by Shio Sakura), author of Sexiled, about Miyako, a Japanese wage slave reincarnated into another world based on her favorite otome game. However, she’s not interested in her would-be love interest, but in Fuuka Hamilton-- the game’s villainess! After Miyako confesses her love, Fuuka decides to give her a challenge: if Miyako can make her say the words “I’m happy” in fourteen days, she’ll stay by her side! (Published in English through J-Novel Club, available on various platforms)

Superwomen In Love: An ongoing manga by sometime about the sentai villainess Honey Trap and her infatuation with the masked superheroine Rapid Rabbit. After being kicked out of her evil organization, Honey Trap decides to team up with her former nemesis to fight evil-- and hopefully, find romance! (To be published in English by Seven Seas Entertainment, coming in April 2021)

2. “Yuri is all stories about teenagers! Where’s the stuff about adults?”

Take a look at the previous section: there’s the stuff about adults! Otherside Picnic, Goodbye My Rose Garden, Seabed, SHWD, Sexiled, The Blank of Describer, A Lily Blooms In Another World, and Superwomen In Love are all stories with adult-aged protagonists! But if you’re searching for a more down-to-earth romance, I’m happy to report there’s quite a bit of options to look into!

Still Sick

What It Is: A manga by Akashi. Three volumes, complete.

What It’s About: Makoto Shimizu is an office lady with a secret: she’s a yuri fan who draws doujinshi. She’s able to keep her two lives separate, all until the day she comes face-to-face with her co-worker at a convention! To Makoto’s horror, Akane Maekawa is amused by her nerdy secret, but Akane may have some secrets of her own...

What I Think: This one was a roller coaster for me: I loved the premise of the manga, but wasn’t sure about the dynamic between the leads… that is, until near the end of the first volume, where something happened and everything changed. Without giving too much away, I implore people to give Still Sick a chance-- it has a much deeper story than one might initially guess, as well as an interesting character dynamic between the two leads with some surprising turns.

Where To Get It: The first two volumes of Still Sick are published in English by Tokyopop, with the final one coming soon All three volumes have been published in English by Tokyopop.

After Hours

What It Is: A manga by Yuhta Nishio. Three volumes, complete.

What It’s About: After being ditched by her friend at a club, Emi Ashiana is ready to write the whole night off. All that changes when she meets Kei, a DJ who seems to be everything Emi is not-- cool, confident… employed.... But Kei and Emi hit it off and Emi’s life changes as Kei draws her into the world of Japan’s club scene!

What I Think: It’s hard to explain exactly why I like this manga, but I reeeeally like this manga.

There’s just something about the sleek art, the amazing atmosphere of the scenes set in nightclubs, the chemistry between Emi and Kei, the focus on more mature topics.... it’s a manga that’s remarkably magnetic for how down-to-earth it is. It’s also just interesting to read stories about subcultures that don’t normally get a spotlight in comics. To sum it up, After Hours is just a lovely manga that’s severely underrated that’s perfect for someone who’s looking for a story that’s both fun and mature.

Where To Get It: All three volumes are published in English by Viz Media.

How Do We Relationship?

What It Is: A manga by Tamifull. Ongoing, five volumes at time of writing.

What It’s About: Miwa and Saeko’s first meeting is… interesting. But despite that, and despite their clashing personalities, the two of them become fast friends. Well… actually, perhaps more than friends. You see, pretty soon the two of them learn that the other is into women. With that in mind, Saeko suggests they try dating each other-- might as well, right? “Might as well” seems like a strange place to begin a relationship, but perhaps even something like that could end in true love?

What I Think: “Why do romances always end when they decide to start dating?!” That’s the question Tamifull poses in the afterword of Volume 1. And it’s a great question! What makes How Do We Relationship? an interesting manga is how oddly realistic it is, highlighting things like the compromises people make in relationships, people who get into relationships for pragmatic reasons rather than love, the whole “thing” about sex… as well as highlighting the additional issues queer people have to deal with. That may sound like a heavy story, but it’s actually quite light-hearted, as well as very, very funny at times. With a cute art style and surprisingly deep premise, HDWR is a great manga for older yuri fans who are craving a more mature story.

Where To Get It: The first volume has been published in English by Viz Media, with more on the way.

BONUS: Other titles with adult protagonists that may interest you!

Even Though We’re Adults: A manga by Takako Shimura about two women in their thirties. Ayano and Akari meet each other in a bar and almost immediately feel a sense of chemistry between them. There’s just one problem: Ayano is married to someone else. (To be published in English by Seven Seas Entertainment, coming in January 2021)

Doughnuts Under A Crescent Moon: A manga by Shio Usui. Uno Hinako wants nothing more than to be seen as a normal young woman, but she just can’t seem to make a “normal” romance work. But maybe Sato Asahi, a woman who works at the same company as her, can show her a new kind of normal? (To be published in English by Seven Seas Entertainment, coming in February 2021)

Our Teachers Are Dating: A manga by Pikachi Ohi. Hayama Asuka is a gym teacher, Terano Saki is a biology teacher. One day, they come into work both looking suspiciously happy… because they’ve started dating! (Published in English by Seven Seas Entertainment)

I Married My Best Friend To Shut My Parents Up: A one-volume manga by Kodama Naoko. Morimoto is sick and tired about constantly being badgered about finding a man to marry, so her kouhai from her high school days offers a solution: marry each other to make her parents back off! (Published in English by Seven Seas Entertainment)

Now Loading…!: A one-volume manga by Mikan Uji. Takagi has just snagged her dream job at a games publisher, but being put in charge of a mobile game that’s barely pulling in any attention isn’t exactly what she was hoping for. What’s worse, she’s drawn the attention of her strict higher-up Sakurazuki Kaori… who also happened to design her most favorite game of all time?! (Published in English through Seven Seas Entertainment)

3. “Yuri is all schoolgirl stuff! Where’s- wait, didn’t we already do this one?”

Yes we did. And you know what? I’m making a stand! There’s a lot of really, really good yuri stories set in high schools, and I think more people need to give them a chance! Here are some high school titles that I think are worth a second look for one reason or another!

Bloom Into You

What It Is: A manga by Nakatani Nio. Eight volumes, complete. A twelve episode anime aired in 2018, covering about the first half of the series. A three volume spinoff light novel series written by Hitoma Iruma was also published.

What It’s About: Yuu Koito has long dreamed of the day she’d find That One, Storybook Romance that would make her feel like she was walking on air, but the day that a boy confesses to her, her feet remain firmly planted on the ground. When she meets Touko Nanami, a girl who seems to have the same strange, distant relationship to romance as she does, Yuu feels like she has found a comrade. But what will happen when the next person to confess to Yuu… is Touko?

What I Think: What can I say about Bloom Into You that hasn’t already been said? There’s a reason it’s basically considered a staple of yuri despite being only five years old. The art is beautiful and delicate, the story has a deft mastery of comedy, drama, and romance, and the characters are deeply loveable. Really, the only reason this one is here is to tell you to get to reading this manga (or watching the anime) if you haven’t already. So get to it!

Where To Get It: The entire series-- as well as the spinoff light novel series Regarding Saeki Sayaka-- has been published in English by Seven Seas Entertainment. The anime is currently streaming on HiDive.

Yuri Is My Job

What It Is: A manga by Miman. Ongoing, seven volumes at time of writing.

What It’s About: Hime wants nothing more than to be adored by everyone and to someday bag a rich husband. Of course, being loved by all takes a lot of work, and she prides herself in keeping her perfect, adorable facade so well-maintained. But of course, the one time she slips up, she ends up injuring the manager of a local cafe! Hime finds herself strong-armed into working for this cafe under their star employee, a kind, graceful girl named Mitsuki. But things aren’t quite so simple-- you see, this cafe has a gimmick in which all the employees are constantly acting out yuri-inspired scenes for the customers, so in a way, the employees also have their own facades. And under her facade, Mitsuki… hates Hime’s guts!

What I Think: Yuri Is My Job is an odd duck, but in a good way. It’s advertised and initially framed as a comedy, but it becomes a surprisingly thoughtful drama about the personas people adopt and why they do so (though, luckily, the comedy never truly goes away). There’s an interesting web of relationships between the girls, and having those interactions take place in a setting where they must act out a completely different sort of drama adds an extra level of drama and intrigue. The cute, polished artwork is just the icing on the cake. YIMJ is a good manga for those who are already familiar with yuri tropes and those who are interested in a drama that doesn’t get too heavy.

Where To Get It: Six volumes have been published in English by Kodansha comics, with the seventh on the way.

Riddle Story of Devil

What It Is: A manga written by Yun Kouga and illustrated by Sunao Minakata. Five volumes, complete. A 12 episode anime aired in 2014.

What It’s About: At Myojo Private School, an elite all-girl’s academy, Class Black has a secret. Twelve of the thirteen girls are actually assassins who have been offered a dark deal-- one wish will be granted to whoever manages to kill Haru Ichinose, the thirteenth student. But there’s still hope for Haru in the form of Tokaku Azuma, one of the assassins who has decided to defect to Haru’s side-- and defend her from the other girls at any cost.

What I Think: I’m not sure… if I can say Riddle Story of Devil is “good.” It’s definitely something. Although its premise is vaguely similar to Revolutionary Girl Utena, its tone and atmosphere remind me a lot more of the Dangan Ronpa series. It’s schlocky and ridiculous and often over-the-top and at times exploitative. It’s pure junk food, basically… and I believe that’s where the charm comes from. It’s my guiltiest of guilty pleasures. It may not exactly be good, but more often than not, it’s fun. It’s hard not to be immediately interested in a yuri battle series, you have to admit.

And if it does have one undeniably good element, it’s Tokaku and Haru’s relationship. They contrast each other nicely, and while one might expect Haru to be boring and helpless, she’s actually quite proactive at times, and some of the most interesting, engaging parts of the series come from seeing how the two work together to fend off the latest assassin. It’s a short read and if anything, it’s worth it to see how each girl ends up. I recommend it for older viewers who are okay with violence and ludicrous battle scenarios.

Where To Get It: All five volumes are available through Seven Seas Entertainment. The anime can be watched through Funimation.*

*Please don’t watch the anime.**

** At the very least, please don’t watch the anime unless you’ve read the entire manga. Riddle Story Of Devil was one of those unfortunate cases where the anime adaption was produced before the manga reached its conclusion, and as such it has a very strange, rushed ending that includes none of what I enjoyed about the actual ending. Several scenes were also changed, and if I recall correctly, fanservice was added in several places where there was none previously. All in all, I’d really only recommend it for big fans of the series.

Side By Side Dreamers

What It Is: A light novel by Iori Miyazawa, illustrated by Akane Malbeni. One volume, complete.

What It’s About: Saya Hokage has been suffering from insomnia, but one day finds relief in the form of Hitsuji Konparu, a strange girl who can put people to sleep. As it turns out, Hitsuji is a person who has the special ability to move freely in their dreams, known as a “Sleepwalker.” The Sleepwalkers have been battling beings that possess people through their dreams, and it turns out they want Saya to join them in the fight.

What I Think: Side By Side Dreamers is short and… well, dreamy. I really enjoyed the premise and I think it’s a good novel for people who think Otherside Picnic may be a little too much for them. I also enjoyed each dream sequence-- I tend to find that the writing in light novels is a little dry, so the use of figurative language to describe these scenes was really refreshing and interesting. SBSD is a fun oneshot that I think is especially ideal for newcomers to yuri.

Where To Get It: Side-by-Side Dreamers is published by J-Novel Club and can be found via various digital platforms and bookstores.

Cocoon Entwined

What It Is: A manga by Yuriko Hara. Three volumes, ongoing.

What It’s About: Hoshimiya Girls' Academy is a strange, almost otherworldly paradise with a peculiar tradition. For all three years, each girl grows out her hair to absurd, breathtaking lengths, in order for it to eventually be cut and weaved into uniforms for future students. Perhaps it is these strange uniforms that seem to whisper about the past that makes the school seem frozen in another time… picturesque, yet stagnant. But one day, a shocking incident shatters the quiet peace of the academy, and the tumultuous feelings that have long been hidden in the hearts of these girls come rushing into the light.

What I Think: Cocoon Entwined is, in a word, eerie. It’s not marketed as a horror story, and I don’t think it’s intended to be one, but I’ve seen some that say they get horror vibes from it. I definitely understand that-- there’s a deep sense of unease that permeates the entire story in a way that’s a bit hard to articulate. The running thread of uniforms made from human hair definitely doesn’t hurt (it does-- I’ve seen many people understandably turned off by this element), but it’s more than that. It’s the sense that everything at Hoshimiya feels frozen and fragile. It’s the sense that everyone is burying their true feelings under countless layers. It’s the fact that in one scene, Saeki reaches out in a dark room full of uniforms and feels her arm touched by countless hands made of hair.

Cocoon Entwined is a strange manga, and I feel it’s not for everyone-- besides the way many are put off by the central premise, the way that the story jumps around in time can be a bit confusing to follow. But in my opinion, I love it for these elements: the uniforms and their marriage between beauty and grotesque, the sense of frozen time, the delicate artwork that feels like it might be shattered by the weight of your gaze, the strange, airless atmosphere, the girls and their clear exhaustion of having to be ideal women. It’s a strange little series that I think should be given a shot, particularly if you want something a little more out there, or a darker take on Class S tropes.

Where To Get It: Yen Press has currently published two volumes in English.

BONUS: Other high school titles that may interest you!

A Tropical Fish Yearns For Snow: A manga by Makoto Hagino. Konatsu Amano has just moved to a new town by the sea, and must deal with her new school’s mandatory club policy. Luckily, she meets Koyuki Honami, an older girl who runs the Aquarium Club. Recognizing her loneliness, Konatsu decides to join her club. (Published in English by Viz Media)

Flowers: A four-part series of visual novels published by Innocent Grey. Flowers focuses on Saint Angraecum Academy, a private high school that prides itself on overseeing the growth of proper young ladies. One notable thing about the academy is the Amitié program, a system that pairs students together in order to foster friendships between the girls. But friendship isn’t the only thing blooming… (Available in English from Steam, J-List, and JAST USA)

Adachi And Shimamura: A series of light novels written by Hitoma Iruma and illustrated by Non that has recently received a manga adaptation and an anime adaption. Adachi and Shimamura are two girls who encounter each other one day while cutting class. Little by little, the two girls become a part of each other’s lives, and feelings begin to form. (The light novels are published in English by Seven Seas Entertainment, the anime is licensed by Funimation)

And there we go! 24 different yuri titles. I didn’t even go into the series that I tried but personally didn’t like that still might interest other people. I primarily made this list to gush about yuri that I liked, but I also tried to include a fairly wide range of things so that, hopefully, any random person who read this whole list could find at least one new title that interests them. And I hope that includes you!

The yuri scene is quite large and wonderful if you know where to look, and it too often gets a bad rap. I hope that this list could give you a new perspective on what kinds of titles are available, and I hope it gives you something new to try. And remember: if you want something specific, try looking for it! There’s a good chance the story you’re craving is already out there, waiting to be discovered!

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corpsentry · 4 years ago

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january: an art retrospective

i did some stuff last month (but it’s a lot of stuff and there’s a photodump + some Serious Fucking Reflection, so it’s all below the cut)

so ok, let’s start with this. here are some heads. each head has a red arrow. that red arrow is what i call the red line of the devil. it’s the slope of the face from the side of the eye to the cheekbone and then down towards the chin. up until like 2 weeks ago, i couldn’t draw it. i couldn’t fucking draw it. i would edit over that part of the face over and over again until i was frustrated and tired and i had a raging homosexual headache and it still never looked right. notice that each head is different. notice that each head looks wrong.

at the start of 2021 i finally admitted to myself, as per the image above, that i was deeply, deeply unhappy with my art. what was the problem? i dunno. but i decided i was going to fix it and i was going to do so via another one scribble a day event wherein for every day of january i would find a photo of a human head, and i would draw it.

january 1st, 2021. i was embarrassed to tweet this even on my private account where like 5 friends and a rock would see it. in retrospect, you can also see all of my bad habits emerging like dicks from a hole in the ground. it’s disproportionate. the brows look flat. the eyes are slanting upwards. the entire drawing looks flat, like this isn’t a 3d person but a caricature of one.

january 2nd, 3rd, 4th:

on the 2nd i decided to start a separate thread for doodles and applied learning. here’s the first set of tests

the rest of the week is kind of uneventful so we’re going to skip those. fast forward to january 11th

this one is especially bad. i am acutely aware, suddenly, that i am not changing anything at all. i’m stressed and miserable about it because i’m still trying to see people as people and trying to draw people that look attractive and proportionate and hot. my friend, leny, reminds me that i need to think about faces in terms of planes. i have a moment. my other friend masha sends me some links to anatomy tutorials. i have another moment.

january 11th. applied sketch

january 13th is when i start the troubleshooting process. the link above drives me mad because i’m pretty happy with the face but then i realize that there’s something very fucking wrong with the shape of the head LOL and then i realize that i’ve never had any idea what the proportion of the face to the rest of the skull is so i grit my teeth and i open a new canvas and i

bald studies. it seemed like the right thing to do. can’t draw heads? ok draw some heads. look at some photographs. i traced each photo but tried to stick to straight lines so that i could replicate the shapes more easily. i broke each face down into shapes. i thought about airplanes

i got really excited. i started doing studies, then applied studies, then stylized studies.

sketches. i’m not sure what’s going on (as always) and it’s very rough, but they look different from the sketches i did on january 2nd. that’s a start

january 16th’s daily study. looks more like a person now. juuuuuust a bit

more applied studies

on the 18th i take a break and go stare at some lips because i don’t understand how the fuck they work. again, i focus on shapes, on volume, on the fact that these things exist in 3d. holy fuck lips exist in 3d. holy fuck we are real

january 19th. i’m working on it.

january 22nd. some sketches + a daily study. it has finally occurred to me that heads can tilt up and down and that things look different accordingly. yes i was not aware of this before. yes i have been drawing for over a decade.

january 23rd. by this point after doing my daily sketch i almost always go back and do an applied study which is basically to say i drew a lot of fucking links. this one looks kind of okay. i’m kind of proud

january 25th. links. trying to make sense of everything i’ve learned

26th, 27th, 28th. daily studies

january 1st. january 31st

The End Of The Photo Dump (dab)

ok NOW i get to talk about what i discovered while studying the shit out of human beings

FIRST OF ALL, there is something precious and magical about drawing shit without the explicit knowledge that you’re going to tweet that shit out to 45 people later. it takes the burden of perception off your shoulders and that does something to you, or at least that’s my theory. i told myself i wouldn’t post any of this stuff until the end of the month (if i wanted to post it at all) and kept everything off my public social media accounts and that meant i could draw ugly as hell without worrying about who would point and laugh, which i absolutely fucking did. a lot of these are fucking trainwrecks. most of these are fucking trainwrecks. why do they look like that?? why??? this doesn’t look like the work of someone who’s allegedly been drawing since they were in kindergarten, does it?????

here’s why: because that person took a huge motherfucking swing at everything they’d ever known about art and spent a month building something new in its place. the abstract explanation is that i grew up on shoujo and weird old anime and my understanding of anatomy was unironically kamichama karin and while i love kamichama karin, when kamichama karin is your rule even if you try to break it, you’re going to end up going nowhere. “you have to know the rules to break them”, yeah? well i didn’t know shit. the abstract explanation is i’ve been miserable about my art for a few years now because i saw other people doing things effortlessly which i couldn’t and instead of going back to the basics, i tried to do what they did (not plagiarism, mind you, i mean i literally tried to copy the red line of the devil i mentioned above because i couldn’t even make that happen) and then i fucking failed.

the simple explanation is this. i had to unlearn everything, and relearn it again (like some kind of new renaissance clown, what the fuck is this?)

take this for example. all my life i’ve drawn faces in the order: eyes, nose, mouth, face shape, head. this works for some people, im aware, but it was something central to how i had always drawn, so i decentralized it. i said fuck you to the old me and changed the order up. now i start with the nose, then the eyes, mouth, the chin line, and the sides of the face. now i force myself to think about the human head as a series of parts interacting with each other instead of a bunch of disparate features which i want to look pretty.

or let’s use this zelda from last year. something about this looked wrong last october, the way something about all of my drawings looked wrong, but i couldn’t pinpoint it for hell the way i couldn’t articulate Any of my feelings about the visual arts. now, looking back, here’s what i see. that nose is sticking out far too much given how she’s not really facing very far away from the camera. that ear at the back shouldn’t be there. her forehead is too big. she doesn’t have a forehead. what the fuck is up with the shape of her head?

so apparently reject modernity embrace tradition has its roots in alt-right terminology and i’m not very horny for the alt-right (you understand), but the spirit survives here. you know sometimes you have to admit that you have no idea what the fuck you’re doing and draw people for 31 days. i’ve spent my whole life drawing stylized people and while again there are artists who have no issue with this, i veered off the track of the Good and the Holy and couldn’t get back on. i had no point of reference because i’d never thought about what an actual human being looks like, so i had no way to fix what i knew in my gut looked wrong but wouldn’t come out better.

this was hard. this was like oikawa tooru swallowing his worthless pride and admitting that ushijima wakatoshi had gotten the best of him for the last time in his high school career, but in haikyuu!! by furudate haruichi oikawa tooru fucks off to argentina and then joins the argentinean national team, and you know what, i think i’ve made it to argentina (not the team just the country). as per the golden rule of dont fucking move until you’re at least two thirds of the way through the month, i only started trying to draw Shit shit on like the 22nd or something, but i was happy with that i created. i am happy with what i’ve done. i’ve posted like 2 things this month that involve people with what i now call ~applied Knowledge~~ and they’re, like, not perfect obviously (perfection is an unattainable ideal), but i’m fucking proud of them. i didn’t spend 5 hours hunched over my laptop adjusting the red line of the devil because it’s not a devil’s line anymore. because i finally sorta get how people work. because i sat down and i said ‘we are not going to fuck with this misery shit anymore’ and then i did that. it’s just a line now.

here are 2 collages tracking my painstakingly carved out progress from january 2nd to february 2nd because i’m a slut for collages

and here’s what i’ve done to my art! the same person drew these but also Not Really! you know! for the first time in a year i don’t immediately hate what i’ve drawn. you know what guys? art is fucking fun. zelda’s forehead doesn’t scare me anymore because i know how foreheads fucking work now, and i don’t know everything, and i’m going to keep troubleshooting stuff as i go (i want to draw a skeleton. like a. i want to draw a goddamn skeleton guys) but i’m honestly and genuinely proud of what i’ve done in the span of a month, and i’m also in disbelief. i started this month-long challenge out as a last ditch effort to make peace with my art because i’ve been tired for a long time and i was ready to kick the bucket on drawing people altogether. i didn’t think anything would happen. nothing’s happened for years. i’ve been miserable for years.

this was the caption for january 1st, 2021. i was super, super fucking embarrassed and it looks like super fucking shit, but you know what, i think i did in fact triumph over the bullshit. surprisingly enough, when you put in consistent effort into something, You Will See Results. didn’t see that coming, did you? i know i didn’t.

this isn’t a success story. it’s a happiness story. i never gave a shit damn about the institute of art or whatever, i was just mad at myself because what i saw in my head didn’t match up with what was on the canvas. and now it’s getting better. now i’m calibrating the compass. now drawing not just backgrounds but also people is exciting to me, and i can stick my links in your face and tell you ‘they hot’. i’m going to keep doing that. i’m going to keep going until i drop off the side of the earth and then spiral towards mars like some kind of fairy, and then i’m going to create something beautiful.

thanks for reading. here’s a pr department link for sticking around until the end

#my stuff

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glitterytidalwavedragon · 4 years ago

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Expanding into my other Fandoms (I’m gonna have to take a stance) Read the whole thing please.

One of my oldest and most beloved anime is Inuyasha. As of late I have been binged watching the hell out of it as I am getting my BFF into different anime shows. We are really close to entering the Yashahime part of the series, and she asked if I planned to write fanfiction involving the one character which made me even watch the show as a 10-year-old.

Sesshomaru

The first episode I ever watched involved this aloof, entitled dog fighting his brother over the sword in their father’s grave. Specifically, it was part 3 of that whole episode series were Kagome pulled out the sword. I at the time had 3 dogs of German Sheppard/wolf hybrid, they were MASSIVE dogs, fell in love with the big white fluff that was Sesshomaru’s demon form. I use to sneak staying up and watch the show faithfully to see the goodest boy as it was only on at 11pm EST on adult swim. Which meant it was bad and I was breaking the rules, I felt like a rebel.

Now I hesitated answering that question. She has no idea of what is in Yashahime, she is being careful not to spoil it so I told her I didn’t know. Recently, to find out what the feel is for Sesshomaru content, I looked into the tag on tumblr…

OH MY GOD.

Sesshomaru’s tag is FLOODED with hate. Like every four post, there is hate, distain, and attacking happening. As someone who watches Yashahime, I quickly knew why.

Sessrin.

Even now I sigh. And I sigh HARD. I am not for, nor am I against the Sessrin train. Same for the Sesskagu train. I think both sides need to look at things on a logical prospective. I plan to do just that. I know I will get hate from the either side and maybe some support as well. But if I am going to do anything in this fandom (as I like doing ships and reader inserts) it will come up.

So, like my Kaiba post, and my Sebastian Heel post, I will use my research skills as well as my COLLEGE DEGREE WHICH HAS BOTH ART AND MEDIEVAL HISTORY labelled on it to explain why this progression in the story is normal to anti-Sessrin fans and why this isn’t a crime by story standards nor should we look at it as a crime.

AS WELL

Explain to Sessrin fans why it is so weird for non-shippers to see it play out and why so much hate formed.

As I let out another sigh, we shall begin. Let’s start at an historical prospective. (Links at the bottom).

PLEASE READ THE WHOLE THING! I’LL BE ABLE TO TELL!

I will start with the information I can access right away.

While finding charts on the life-span of common folk in 1590’s Feudal Japan is rather difficult, Ancient.edu states that the average lifespan was about 50. To put this in perspective, the average lifespan of Europeans at the time was somewhere between 40-45 with the latter being rare. Since most of us reading are not from Japanese descent, I will through Europe in this first.

If we look at the same time frame of 1590, we are looking at most of Western Europe had now entered the age of Renaissance. According to sources from Learning Resources in association with the National Gallery of Art, marriage was not what TV drama’s from HBO or Hulu depicted. By today standards they would be a crime, as the average age for marriage of an adult female was age 14…

The reasoning behind the young marriage age had multiple factors. First being, females were considered an adult once they were menstruating. Birthing also proved to be fatal, and since the lifespan was at best 40 and 45 if they were lucky, there was really no room to wait. Also Europe at the time had became hugely focused on making sure blood lines were legitimate, meaning to ensure the girl was a virgin, the moment she was able to reproduced she was married off. Those they married were not young teenagers either. Most marriages, a man would be in their thirties, and had probably multiple wives as women died more than men when not counting the battle field.

To make matters worse for the Renaissance Lady, these marriages would leave many young males unable to marry and if their husband died in battle, well, unfortunately they were not seen as desirable. This was due to the idea of a ‘free woman’. Should the girl not have a father, brother or uncle to return to as they too died, a widow had her freedom. But that freedom came at a cost. She would be assumed to have slept around, and in many writings, such as the Canterbury Tales, where Geoffrey Chaucer writes about a Window on a pilgrimage to the Holy Land survived her five husbands and the men in her family. In short, she was made to be a slut and to be looked down upon as no man controlled her.

The point of talking about Europe is because that is something most of us Non-Asian or Japanese people consume and like to paint in large romantic brush strokes of knights and magic. Honestly, reading G.R.R.Martin Song of Ice and Fire, he uses this model as we see the Queen of Dragons, Danny start off at age thirteen shortly after she had her first menstruation.

Now let’s look at Feudal Japan.

As stated before, the lifespan was around 50 years. In some populations, this was even shorter. Nagaoka, Hirata, Yokota and Matsu’ura’s on demographic data at the Yuigahama-minami area in Kamakura, Japan and found both male and female remains that suggested life expectancy to have ended around age 24-25. This was largely due to living conditions and public health. In areas like these, it would make the most sense to marry and repopulate quickly as the expectancy of life was half the national average at the time.

To my frustration, I could not find a clear marriage age for Japanese women at the time of the edo period. HOWEVER, where there is a will there is a way. I took a look at famous Lords or Daimyo’s of the time. The average age of marriage of their wives was between 12-14. Much younger than I expected, but it made sense considering this is a time where war ran the show and marriage was strictly about political gain. One of these Daimyo’s was Masamune Date, who was also 13, but then as he got older took concubines who became considerably younger than him as he became older. The goal was to have as many children as possible for hires and for political marriages to gain power.

Now lets look at Inuyasha the MANGA

Lets get the manga timeline proper here. The whole adventure took place in 11 months, a month shy of Kagome’s 16th birthday. Doing a few estimations, Rin would have travelled with Sesshomaru about 8-9 of those months. But before we get into the relationship, lets look at something the ANIME made a huge mistake with in the beginning and tried to fix as the story went on.

For some reason I could only fine gifs for the Early appearances of Sesshomaru so bear with me.

Early appearances in the manga

^ He was so fickle and a trickster then...

Now early apperances in the anime.

Later appearance in the manga

Laster appearance in the anime

Notice the issue here?

Sesshomaru was CONSIDERABLY younger looking in the start of the manga. In the anime, he started off looking like an fully adult male. But as the anime went on, they tried to make Sesshomaru look younger with subtle changes to his jaw line, eye size, and his height. Yeah, his height had changed. They made him shorter.

While in the manga, we see this young-teen looking demon, slowly mature over 11 months to look like he is in his later teens and by series end, closer to being in his late teens or twenty. Yes, art changes over time, but the anime went a reverse route. I can only guess they spoke to the author of Inuyasha about her ships, as they did Drama CDs, and realized the mistake that was made in making him more mature than he was.

You can’t tell me he doesn’t look closer to his manga self in the final act, because he does.

Since we are on the topic of the anime, lets be clear. The anime timeline and manga timeline are very different. The story in the anime (in the English) suggests that OVER a year has past since Kagome started her journey. They try to fix this in the final act, but it was still so muddled as previous seasons are to be taken as cannon. This could have been due to an translation error in the early production when the anime no longer had anymore manga material to reference. But whatever the case, for English viewers the time the group spent together felt much longer.

So now we come to the heart of the issue.

Because of the mistakes of the anime, a lot of anti-sessrin see the relationship as father daughter. I’ll be honest, watching the anime and solely the anime as a teenager and as an adult (as the manga was on hold for a very long time due to author’s health. I was in college when it finished.), I too thought it was just a father-daughter relationship and Jaken the nanny who got punched all the time. In fact, the English took hard liberties with Kagura, as the English dubs often do with characters, and made it very clear her feelings for the demon lord and Sesshomaru very much recognized them (though he never responded). Even in her death scene, it felt as if he was saying good bye to a friend more than love interest. But who really knows, as there are things that point otherwise. When another demon mock’s Kagura’s death, Sesshomaru gets super pissy.

The manga did also play with this fact when it came out in English, idk if the wording or message is different in the Japanese. Translation errors happen a lot even in todays releases, look at Kuroshitsuji. So of course most anti-sessrin’s did not see this coming in Yashahime when Rin was named mother. In fact it felt like a betrayal as we were sure Sesshomaru had no romantic feelings.

Then there was the Kohaku/Rin mashup that was hinted left and right. The English anime, with its overly dramatic and blunt emotions made it appear one way. That in the end the two kids would probably be married. Then the anime as a whole made Sesshomaru older than intended. I can see why and understand how this became a problem.

On the other side of that coin.

If you followed the dub, seen ‘Swords of an Honorable Ruler’ and read the manga… Sesshomaru was not fatherly to Rin at all. In fact, Jaken picked up all of that leg work. Rin worried for Kohaku, but clearly loved Lord Sesshomaru. Sesshomaru cared about Kagura but he almost CRIED when he lost Rin.

We have to remember that Sesshomaru and Rin’s relationship must have been very hard for the demon. While we never see his mental process expect for a few rare times, we have to remember he hated humans. In the movie, he blamed a human for the early death of his father, Sesshomaru killed without mercy. It made sense that he wouldn’t be fatherly to Rin as her just being there should have caused countless inner conflicts. Hell, he even says his father’s weakness was humans, and look who picked up that trait.

Sesshomaru was designed to, someday, walk in his father’s footsteps. So sess/rin, not a surprise. Also when you see it in a historical perspective, Rin having kids around age 15-16, makes sense. In fact you could argue he waited too long for the time period.

We also need to look more at the manga when concerned with Yashahime. 8-9 months is all Rin travelled with him and he was like hold up, and left her at the village because he KNEW she needed to come to her own conclusion. That no matter what she picked he would live with and protect her. Unconditional love on his end. She cannon wise spent YEARS living with humans and MONTHS with Sesshomaru. Again, by manga standards of cannon.

Now I can already hear the screaming about age and what not. Some sources say Sesshomaru is over 900, by the rule of thumb, if we look at anime and movie releases, we have Sesshomaru being over 500 with no define age and Inuyasha around 270 years old being more pinpointed due to the movie. Just by going by ANIME CANNON. Kagome and Inuyasha, you have a 15 year old with a 270 year old man. If you say being pinned to the tree doesn’t count, then you have 220.

Also, here is something very interesting. In the episode where Inuyasha meets the unmother, he tells her, thinking it was his mom, she died when he was very small and we have flash backs later in the series of him being small running from demons. Demons clearly age much slower than humans, even half-demons. Inuyasha can be 270 but mentally and physically be 15, the same logic works for Sesshomaru, who in the manga is not much older than Inuyasha.

In the manga, there wasn’t any grooming, in the anime, there was a ton of mess-ups but no grooming.

Would this fly in todays world? HELL NO! NO, its gross, she’s a kid. Stop.

I know any fanfic I write will lean heavily on the side of father/daughter because that is what I grew up seeing on the screen. I can’t think of Rin as an adult because years of seeing her as a cheerful little girl. It’s like seeing G.O.T Arya about to have sex for the first time in season 8… I remember when she was a kid on the show. It was way to weird and I had to look away until it ended. But that’s my 2021 mentality.

But Inuyasha is not taking place in 2021. Feudal Japan is a whole other era with its own beliefs, morals and way of life. Those who understand this have nothing wrong with them. They just understand history.

Also, just to bang some nails in…

Anyone remember Bleach? Remember the MOST accepted couple was Ichigo and Rukia…. Rukia who was hundreds of years old and Ichigo who was 15… or Ichigo’s mom who was a teenager and his dad also hundreds of years old.

Most of this also boils down to Sesshomaru being a dude. As in reverse roles in animes its accepted and they don’t have the same historical context. Inuyasha is based off of historical context of Feudal Japan.

We need to stop spreading hate. We can’t accept some forms of literature because its European fantasy but bash other fantasy based literature for doing the same thing.

Sure, its weird for those who were use to seeing the father/daughter dynamic. Yes, there are extreme sessrin fans who post really questionable illegal content when they decide to leave Rin as an 8-year-old…

But this wasn’t ever meant to be perverted. The story was meant to make sense on a logical and historical base.

I hope everyone takes the time to read this. I love Inuyasha, I love Sesshomaru. I am just sick of seeing so many people fighting over what should be the revival of a beloved series. While yes, there is still room for sess/rin not being a thing, until it is stated otherwise, why hate each other? This fandom will only lose people by doing this. Calling people names or accusing them of illegal endorsement can hurt someone these days over social media.

Tumblr allows you to block tags. You don’t have to read anything or watch anything you don’t like. We gain nothing from attacking each other but can lose so much by doing so. Fanart, really good fan fiction, friends, ideas, sharing fond memories. Both sides have the right to feel as they feel, but no right in hurting each other.

A fandom is meant to bring people together. Not start a war…

Thank you.

https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/abs/10.1002/ajpa.20402

http://www.italianrenaissanceresources.com/units/unit-2/essays/husbands-and-wives/#:~:text=Marriage%20not%20only%20reflected%20order,to%20ensure%20the%20bride's%20virginity.

https://www.ancient.eu/Canterbury_Tales/

https://www.ancient.eu/article/1424/daily-life-in-medieval-japan/#:~:text=Just%20as%20Japanese%20people%20today,in%20Western%20Europe%2C%20for%20example.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Date_Masamune

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Megohime

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jeongyunhoed · 4 years ago

Photo

A year after the events of Past-Present-Future, Lee Mirae, Choi San, and Jeong Yunho receive a mysterious envelope containing photos and notes about the deaths of several individuals. The deeper they go into the case, they find that the entertainment industry hides a very dark secret.

Group: ATEEZ Pairing: Yunho/OC Genres: It’s a little bit of: adventure, romance, mystery, crime, fantasy, action. Things to note: It also features mentions of other idols/artists: Junhong (Zelo), Dean, Chanyeol, etc. Superpowers AU if it wasn’t obvious as well. Featuring Enhypen.

T/W: Themes of death, violence, demons, cults, blood, use of weapons and/or firearms, use of drugs (both recreational and medical), implied/referenced assault, implied/referenced suicide

A/N: The main conflict is a reimagining of an actual long-running theory. This is also a remaking of a previous fic I wrote before on Ao3 that will now be under the new super powers au. (if you know, you know). This work is pure fiction and does not bear a direct reflection of the idols in the story. Please let me know if you would like to be included in the tag list.

A/A/N: Introducing Enhypen. hehet! Also, this hasn’t been edited as much. Shoutout to people I’ve been talking to about this, or at least bits of this. haha. Enjoy.

Masterlist

Two

San and Hongjoong stood across the street from the large boutique, the word Montague on display above in gold set against a black background with a gold border. It looked similar to the displays on toy stores overseas, mannequins holding handbags that San knew probably cost millions. He made sure to dress appropriately in the hopes of passing off as a model, as Mirae figured they would likely only entertain those who worked in fashion. Hongjoong was conveniently dressed like a designer, but an armed one. “So, this is where we’re supposed to go, huh?” Hongjoong asked.

“Mhmm. We have to pretend like we work in fashion, people that work in that kind of place can be very snooty. We need to move like we can afford everything in there,” San explained, in the hopes of assuring himself.

“Well, let’s get to it, we need to be back by dinner, at least Mirae says so,” Hongjoong nodded.

They crossed the street, San gripping the handle of the door and pulling it open. The interior of the boutique was, as expected, just as fancy-looking as the outside. A black crystal chandelier hung over their heads with the mirrored tile ceilings. The racks of clothing and shelves to display shoes were in a matte black. The mannequins in the middle of the room looked like they were made out of silver and gold. “Wow,” San looked almost in awe of the place.

“Those suits probably cost an arm and a leg,” Hongjoong muttered as they looked around.

“Hello, how may I help you gentlemen?”

They turned around. Behind them was a man dressed all in black, his hair slicked back. “We’re looking for your manager, I’m Kim Hongjoong of Hong Atelier and I’d like to discuss a possible collaboration with your founder, or designer,” He blurted out.

“Oh, you’re looking for Madame Seo,” The man replied. San sensed that there was something off about the way he said her name. “Will you follow me, she’s in her office,” He walked off further down the boutique and up a staircase illuminated with small spotlights above their heads against matte black walls.

“Rather dark in here, isn’t it?” San quipped as they were led down a hall with leopard-print floors.

“Madame Seo prefers it that way. The daylight doesn’t do much for the fabrics, at least that’s what she says,” The man replied, having heard him. He stopped in front of a red door and opened it. “You can wait here while I inform Madame Seo. Make yourselves comfortable, she’ll be with you in a moment.”

Hongjoong and San stepped inside the leopard print themed room, looking even more puzzled at the change of motif in this part of the store. “Quick of you to say something to that guy,” San sat down on the couch, eyes still scanning the room in the hopes of finding anything out of the ordinary.

“It comes with what I used to do,” Hongjoong shrugged, moving around the room to look around. “I see Mirae’s been doing very well,” He muttered.

“She is, she has been for a while now,” San reached for the remote on the side table to turn the television on. “You miss her?”

“I don’t know, but it feels weird to be meeting again outside the padded walls of the sanitarium I came from,” Hongjoong felt the walls, the leopard-printed wallpaper under his fingertips.

The program on the television went black and the sound of the program going static filled the room. San stood up, dropping the remote control. The screen began to show surveillance images of the two of them, before it changed to what looked like an information screen. “They know who we are,” His expression dropped. Hongjoong froze in his place.

The screen went to black again, before more static came on. “I’m good with faces, you have been warned. Don’t snoop around where you’re not supposed to,” said the words that were appearing on the screen.

“Time to go,” San and Hongjoong raced for the door, the former already reaching into his coat for his harpoon gun. As they opened it, they saw the employee, pointing a gun at them.

“We ran your faces, we know who you are,” The man said, gesturing for them to move back into the room. “There’s no Hong Atelier, but there is that sanitarium, right?” He turned to Hongjoong. “As for you? Offshore accounts here and there, taking jobs for lowlife gangs and jealous wives, and you were involved in the Kang mob, both of you are,” He glanced at San. “So, tell us why you’re here.”

“You must be that full of yourself to also refer to yourself in third person,” San said through gritted teeth.

“Oh I’m not alone, I’m never alone,” There was a coldness in the employee’s voice. “At least both of you have each other when you die, Madame Seo isn’t fond of people lying.”

“Lying? That’s rich coming from someone who only has this as a front,” Hongjoong spoke this time.

The employee chuckled. “Oh, believing in that drivel those conspiracy theorists cooked up, are we?”

“She hasn’t denied those and we’re here to find that out.”

San could feel the frustration coming over him. Hongjoong, however, remained calm. “If you’re going to keep that gun pointed at us, you may as well pull the trigger, we know too much now,” He said.

“Good idea,” and just before the employee pulled the trigger, he fell to the floor, blood seeping out from his mouth and from his stomach. The blade that came out from Hongjoong’s sleeve was now dripping with blood.

“There’s going to be more of them, probably,” San peeked outside, the two of them stepping over the body. The other doors along the hall remained closed.

They looked back at the room they were coming from one more time, seeing if there was anything else they missed, until they saw something glinting on the floor. A puddle appeared to be forming from the employee Hongjoong stabbed. It was a puddle of black liquid. “What the- Is this grease?” Hongjoong bent down to look at the puddle closely. “Where’s the test tubes? Did you bring some?”

“Oh yeah, I have one here,” San took out one test tube from his coat pocket and bent down to scoop some of the liquid. “I have a feeling we won’t be let out,” He looked up at the empty hall.

They rushed down the hall and sprinted down the stairs, suddenly hearing screeches and cocked guns coming from behind them. San and Hongjoong skidded to a halt when a few more employees appeared at the landing of the staircase and into the main boutique. All of them were holding weapons. San quickly brandished his harpoon, eyes suddenly glowing as he kicked and punched several out of the way while Hongjoong sliced through the employees behind them with the blades in his sleeves. “This would be easier with my rapier,” He muttered, snapping the necks of some but his eyes widened when he saw how red their eyes were. It was as if they were glowing.

Splatters of black liquid hit their faces and staining their clothes as they fought their way through the boutique. Hongjoong pushed the mannequins over in an attempt to block the rest from attacking them while San did the same with the clothes racks in the middle of the store. From under the racks and the mannequins was a compartment that they saw had small packets of what looked like light gold powder. San snatched a few while Hongjoong hopped over to the front desk, grabbing whatever files he could get his hands on. “So much for taking the direct approach,” He fired his harpoon through a few, the blades as his eyes glowed, stunning each one of them.

The two of them returned to the fray, fighting their way through the store and disarming the employees who were still standing, using their weapons against them. Hongjoong nearly dodged one and as one was about to open fire at them, the next thing he realized was that they were both outside the store, the two of them on the sidewalk, with the doors slamming shut. “...What just happened?” San spoke, stunned at how they ended up on the sidewalk, getting back up on their feet. He looked down, feeling a kind of nausea sink in.

“I-I don’t know,” Hongjoong was just as stunned as he got up, sliding the blades back in place in his sleeves. He looked down at his hands, noticing some unusual glow, that soon spread up to his arms and all over his body. San stared at him, seeing the unusual static glow. “...What’s happening to me?”

“I don’t know either, but maybe this was what Junhong hyung meant when he said you may or may not have powers, let’s go!” The two of them ran across the street and into the car.

Yunho approached the front desk of Kang Tower. It had been a year since he last set foot in the building, noticing how much had changed in a span of 12 months. From the minimalist Japanese-themed interiors last year, the changes he figured Yeosang made now made everything about the place in the art deco style, the walls and marble floors having geometric shapes for patterns, crystal chandeliers above their heads. The interior seemed to be a stark contrast to how it looked outside.

He stopped in front of the information board, figuring out what floor Yeosang was probably on. He could always teleport if he couldn’t find him where he first stopped. As soon as Yunho figured out the likely place, he rushed into a shadowy hall where he disappeared, reappearing in a dark hallway that he quickly realized was Yeosang’s penthouse. Just like the design of the interior of the whole building, Yeosang’s penthouse was decorated in the same art deco manner.

“Kang Yeosang?” Yunho called out as he walked further down the hall, the chandelier above illuminating the entire area. He looked around, creeping into the very bare yet equally opulent-looking kitchen. He was not there.

Yunho went into a shadowy part of the hall again, reappearing in what looked like an empty conference room. From the looks of how everything seemed to be set up, he figured that a meeting was going to be taking place. The doors opened and in came the mutant himself, his hair now dyed black and was slightly shorter than his previous blonde hairstyle. Yeosang stopped in his tracks upon seeing Yunho and turned to the group of businessmen behind him. “Gentlemen, if you don’t mind waiting a while, I will have a word with this man over there,” He gestured to the taller.

The group of businessmen nodded, dispersing into the hall, likely going to the waiting area. Yeosang closed the door behind him and Yunho sat down on one of the chairs. “It’s been a while, Yeosang, we need to talk,” He said.

“By all means, I assume you didn’t just come here because you wanted to hang out anyways,” Yeosang sat down on the nearest chair. “Having trouble, Yunho?”

“Well, not really, I’m personally not in trouble, but there are other people that would be once you tell me what I’m going to ask,” Yunho said.

“Then ask.”

“Madame Seo. Do you know her?” Yunho noticed Yeosang’s expression stiffen at the question. He said nothing. “Kang Yeosang, I need you to tell me what you know about her, how you know her, all of that.”

Yeosang broke into a small smile. “Jeong Yunho, are you really going to tell me all about that conspiracy theory going all over the internet? That’s old news.”

“Nothing’s confirmed, nothing’s denied either, I might as well find the truth out for myself,” Yunho was quick to match up to him. “I mean, Mirae-”

“Ah, Mirae,” Yeosang cut him off. “She knows, huh?”

“Would you rather she be the one asking you this?” Yunho raised a brow, making Yeosang’s smug expression fall. “I can see the way you look at her, the way you speak to her, you know. It doesn’t take a genius to figure that out.”

“Oh, that tactic, huh?” Yeosang chuckled. “Yunho, you’re a new immortal, you haven’t lived as long as I have...yet, to know that this kind of interrogation has already been done to me before. It gets old, if you pardon the pun.”

“Then tell me what you know about Madame Seo,” Yunho pressed on. “Or how you know her if you do know her.”

“She’s a hostess,” Yeosang replied. “That’s all she is.”

“Oh yeah? So she doesn’t own a clothing brand called Montague?”

“It’s possible the Seo that owns Montague is a different one, you know,” Yeosang pointed out. “But seeing as I can tell you plan on using your Mirae on me again in asking, Madame Seo is a hostess, that just so happens to own a clothing brand.”

“A high-end clothing brand,” Yunho corrected him. “You must pay her a lot for her to put up that expensive a brand, that coincidentally hardly anyone knows about.”

“Oh I’m not her only client, and that was years ago, I haven’t been paying for the services of her girls in a while,” Yeosang scoffed.

“Are any of those girls actresses? Aspiring actresses? Singers?” Yunho asked.

“You think I was personally asking for their services on me?” Yeosang couldn’t believe what he was hearing. “To answer your question, no I wasn’t, I could tell the difference between a regular worker there and someone who was forced to do all those things.”

Yunho nodded. “Just when we thought you were coming around, we find out about this. What else do you know about her?”

Yeosang stared at him. “She was a hostess to me, that’s that. However, she does have a hold on many powerful people in this country.”

“What is she holding over their heads?”

Yeosang smiled. “Time’s up, I’m afraid, I have a meeting with those businessmen and they would not appreciate being kept waiting.”

Yunho got up, feeling frustrated. “Alright, fine. But I wonder what hold she has on you,” He eyed the shorter male before leaving. As soon as he stepped out, the crowd of businessmen flocked inside the room. He didn’t want to leave just yet, he knew there were still some things he could find out even without Yeosang telling him. It wouldn’t make sense if Madame Seo knew he was a mutant and was using it against him. Yunho figured that Yeosang didn’t really care if anyone else outside their circle knew as no one would believe them anyway.

He approached the dark part of the hall and in a second, reappeared in another room in the building. Yeosang’s office. Yunho felt a tinge of relief upon noticing the nameplate on the desk. For an elaborately decorated building, Yeosang’s office was a little less opulent-looking but remained in the art deco style. Yunho figured if there was anything he could find, Yeosang’s

office would be the most likely place. There were plaques on the walls, showing the successes of the Kang Organization, some of them the deals that were made.

Yunho froze when he heard footsteps heading in the direction of the office. From the silhouette that was shown from the frosted window, it was an office clerk, Yeosang’s executive secretary. He hid on the side of the desk by the window when the secretary opened the door. The footsteps got louder, the clinking of her heels echoing throughout the office.

“Yes, Mr. Kang, I will be there with your proposal,” She said to someone, opening the drawers on the side nearest to Yunho, making him shift even more to keep himself hidden. “Yes? Oh, the Montague file? It’s just here, Mr. Kang.” He perked up when he heard the name of the brand. Yunho listened carefully. “Montague, Montague, and the Kang Entertainment deal, yes it’s all here, Mr. Kang,” The secretary spoke again, and a shuffling of paper later and the door closed again.

Yunho got up to his feet, his lips pursed in frustration. He quietly looked into the drawers of Yeosang’s desk until he came across a photo of Mirae, taken at Sky Sushi by possibly one of the event’s photographers. It reminded him of his previous assertion, and at this point he didn’t even care to get jealous. Yunho looked through the rest of his drawers, finding neatly stacked and filed papers. “Where are the Montague and Kang Entertainment files,” He muttered as he looked through the stacks for any indication of at least one of the two before searching the bigger drawers at the bottom and the wooden file cabinet in another part of the room.

In a sea of black leather folders, Yunho stopped at one of them that had a label “MTG” in gold. He quietly took it out from under the stack and opened it. It was a document detailing his financial stake in Montague. He looked at the date it was all signed. It was in the same year that the actress whose husband left her for Madame Seo was killed. Yunho closed the folder and looked through the files again for any mention of Kang Entertainment.

Yunho searched another one of the bigger drawers, looking through the labels of the files when he stopped upon seeing a black leather folder labeled “Kang Entertainment.” Before he could open the file, he heard footsteps from the same secretary again. Yunho closed the drawers, one of them closing with a slight thud, that made the secretary walk faster. Taking the files, he went into the dark corner and vanished.

Mirae pulled over across the street from Kang Entertainment. She made sure to look a little more presentable, knowing that she was going to do. She wasn’t even sure what she would find in that place, possibly full of celebrities and the people that practically work for them. This was just like Hyuk’s workplace, only she didn’t know anyone, and she wasn’t sure if there were mutants among them either. She ran across the street, past a group of fans that were staring at the doors, possibly to wait for any idols to come out.

“I’m here and I’m going in,” She said to the communicator to Junhong.

“Good luck. I put you in their appointment system, they should have your alias written down,” Junhong said before they hung up.

Figuring out the other entrance, she stepped inside and approached the front desk. “Hello, I’d like to speak to the CEO? I’m Cha Jihyun of Entrepreneur Magazine and I was supposed to interview him today,” She said the rehearsed coverup she had.

The concierge nodded, looking through a monitor. “Ah yes, Cha Jihyun. The executive offices are through the hall on the left, you can make your way there,” They gestured to the corner.

“Thank you,” Mirae exhaled in relief as she walked off, eyeing every detail of the place she was in. There were framed photos of their artists and posters of movies and dramas of the actors they had.

The farther she went into the company, she passed by a training room where three boys seemed to be dancing, music blasting from their speakers, possibly for their comeback. One boy was wearing a bright red, the other one was wearing orange, and the boy in glasses was wearing a vivid purple. In the corner of the practice room, Mirae saw more movie posters that included the names and faces of the victims. “Hello,” Someone said behind her, making her turn around.

“Oh hello,” Mirae bowed. Four boys dressed in green, pink, a faded blue, and yellow were standing in front of her, all of them holding bubble tea and ice cream.

“Are you looking for someone?” The boy in yellow and wearing round glasses said. “Are we getting interviewed today?”

“Oh no, no, I was just passing by. You must be a new group,” Mirae sensed something unusual about them.

“Yes we are, we just debuted last year,” The boy in the faded blue hoodie with matching jogging pants replied.

“Ah, I see,” Mirae nodded, unable to shake off the unusual feeling she was getting from all of them, especially the boy wearing pink and the blonde boy wearing green. “Well, good luck in your career, I should be going now,” She stepped back, bowing to greet them one more time before turning around to walk down the hall that led to the CEO’s office.

“Please interview us next time!�� She heard them say from a distance. Mirae could sense the lingering stares from the four boys the more she walked towards the door.

As she finally stopped in front of the door that had the CEO’s name on it with a woman who was his secretary, seated behind her desk nearby. “Cha Jihyun of Entrepreneur Magazine?” She said.

“That’s me,” Mirae raised her hand.

“Please go inside the office, he is currently in a meeting and he’ll be with you shortly,” The woman gestured to the door. Mirae bowed in thanks before entering.

Once she was inside, she took in her surroundings. The CEO’s office was very spacious, very modern-looking, with three tall shelves of figurines and plaques of the agency’s achievements and sales. Mirae sat down at the very end of the couch, closest to the desk. Everything she would want to know would likely be in that computer, she figured, eyeing the laptop and the monitor on the desk.

The door opened again, and to her surprise, in came the four boys. “Our CEO said to keep you company,” The boy in yellow spoke as he sat down next to her, while the boy in pink leaned against the desk in front of her. “We’re very close to him, we’re like his sons,” He mused.

“Oh, I would’ve thought you were all back to practicing or something,” Mirae eyed them. “With what you’re all wearing.”

“Oh this?” The boy in pink giggled, while the boys in blue and green exchanged knowing looks, a smirk creeping up on the face of the boy wearing green. “We were recording a video for our fans!”

“Oh, we’ve been very silly, we should introduce ourselves, right?” The boy in yellow glanced at his colleagues, who nodded. “I’m Jungwon.”

“Sunoo,” said the boy in pink.

“Jay,” said the boy in green.

“And I’m Sunghoon,” said the boy in blue.

“For a rookie group, you all certainly don’t act like it,” Mirae glanced at each of them, acknowledging their introductions. The boys only chuckled in response.

“You have a very pretty neck,” Jay suddenly said.

“...Thanks,” Mirae stared at him for a moment. “I guess.”

“I mean it,” Jay sat down on her other side. “A very pretty neck.”

“Shouldn’t you be flirting with girls your own age? Or younger?” Mirae sensed that Jungwon, Sunghoon, and Sunoo were also looking at her the same way Jay was at that moment. They were looking at her rather … hungrily.

“Age is but a number, and a state of mind,” Jungwon muttered, also staring at her neck.

“We can’t date anyway, at least for a few years,” Sunghoon chimed in.

“If I didn’t know any better, I’d say you’re all acting like vampires,” Mirae watched them closely.

“It’s also our concept,” Sunoo giggled, Sunghoon smirking from where he stood.

“Ah,” Mirae remained calm, figuring them out. “It’s funny you should mention my neck because, people from this agency were murdered, with marks on their wrists and necks…” She studied their faces for any change in reaction. If she wasn’t hearing things, she would’ve sworn she heard Jungwon hiss.

“Their blood must’ve tasted good,” Sunghoon shuddered.

“In that case, you wouldn’t want mine,” Mirae stood up, understanding completely what she was into.

That made Jay and Jungwon stand up, the four boys walking up to her. “We won’t know if we don’t try,” Sunghoon reached for her hand and turned it over to look at her wrist. “All that running through your veins, I haven’t had my meal yet.”

“You probably should,” Mirae snatched her hand back, her eyes widening when their faces had twisted and changed completely.

Their eyes turned red and fangs grew out from their teeth. “We will,” Sunoo giggled again.

13 notes · View notes

tasteslikemolecules · 4 years ago

Note

5, 26, 60, and 62!!

5. How old were you when you originally watched Supernatural? Did you stop every and come back and when? How did that shape the way you interact with the media?

I tried watching some of the first season when I was a teenager trying to get over Buffy ending. I remember Mary burning, an attic and Sam and Dean quipping (weirdly I can still see the exact scene in my head and it doesn’t actually exist in the show). I hated it. For the next decade all I knew about SPN was that it had an insane fandom. My brother claims we watched a few more episodes (“The good looking Gilmore Girls guy and another dude driving across the US, right? We definitely watched this.”) but I have no recollection of this.

I was 28 when I started watching the show in earnest. My friend got obsessed with it and made me watch it. I really didn't want to, but I also hated being left behind. I promised her I'd make it through the first season before I'd judge. I liked it enough to continue. I liked Sam and the family drama and how dark it was. By season two I really liked the show. By season three I was obsessed. I watched all twelve seasons in the span of a few months. I'd been warned that the show would get bad after season 5 so I kept waiting for it to go bad and... it didn't? I felt the quality dip a little in season 7 (I've since come to love that season) and pick up after that, and I didn't think season 12 was as strong as the rest, but I liked parts well enough.

I started writing fan fiction pretty straight away but I wasn't really involved in fandom. That definitely shaped how I watched the show. I only talked about the show with the real life friends who got me into it. I quickly realized I, at least, partially, liked other things about the show than they did. They didn't really get my obsession with Sam&Ruby or with Sam&Lucifer... or with Sam in general. I started dipping my toe into some fandom spaces when I became really obsessed with Sastiel and didn't want to feel so alone about it, and wanted to look at pretty fan art. Sometimes I'm sad I got into the show so late and missed out on the waiting and the excitement and the speculations, but in other ways I'm glad I got to watch it all on my own and form my own opinions. I also think, watching 12 seasons in one go really blurred the story lines, and let me focus more on the character development than the ebb and flow of villains and monsters. It's more like watching one giant movie where you're holding onto the one main narrative, which was Sam and Dean's relationship.

26. How do you think Cas’s relationships with the Winchesters developed offscreen? I feel like we get to see how Cas and Dean behave around each other plenty in the show and I think there was just more of the same off-screen. With Sam and Cas, I also picture their relationship developing like it did on the show, but there are a lot more blank spots. I think they spend more time on their own than Cas and Dean do, both when they work because they do more research, and when they're off cases. They get along better and have more shared interests and just seem more comfortable around each other. Their canon relationship is like one big slow burn from a really rocky start to best friends co-parenting their adopted son. There's so much stuff that's happened off-screen, and that's without my more fannish head canons coming into play (like how much time they spend together at night in the bunker when Sam can't sleep).

60. Favourite part of season 15? The Barn scene, without a doubt. I'm not sure what I think about it in any meta sense yet, I just found it incredibly gripping and emotional and well acted. And almost a little, well not traumatizing, but really upsetting. The show shied away from the many things they implied and skirted around, and I felt this scene didn't shy away from anything. Apart from that, I liked the God-connecting shoulder wound and Sam's glimpses into the other worlds. That was definitely the most interesting plot line they started in that season – and dropped in the laziest most unsatisfying way. A season a la Atomic Monsters would have been great. (Definite highlight there, Sam's: “But what I’m saying is that I don’t feel free. What we’ve done, what we’ve lost, right now, that is what I’m feeling, and, and sometimes it’s, it’s like I can’t even breathe.“) Sam's texts to Castiel also took up a ridiculous amount of space in my brain.

62. Is there anything you would change about Cas’s confession scene in Despair? How do you wish it would have gone after that?

I didn't think the whole deal with the empty made a lot of sense in the first place, so he'd have to have had a different reason to confess. I don't like the idea of Castiel being forced to speak about his love and I don't think just saying it out loud brings actual happiness. If that's supposed to be a metaphor for 'coming out', that's stupid, because obviously Dean doesn't care about Cas' sexuality one way or another. Telling someone you love them and knowing nothing can come of that love – I just don't see how that would bring greater happiness than seeing, I don't know, your adopted son child become a good person with your help. Or a lot of other more fulfilling things than unrequited romantic love.

That aside, the scene was just a bad scene, irregardless of content. It was badly shot. The acting was atrocious on both sides and it looked like they were cardboard cut outs. As for the dialogue: I don't mind the idea of Castiel confessing his love on principle, but the way he did it, I just felt embarrassed for him. The implication that he was capable of caring about Sam and Jack only because of Dean was insulting. He learnt to care about Sam while he learned to care about Dean, we saw that while it happened. And loving Jack was a disruptive factor for his and Dean's relationship, it was a liberating step away from him, so Cas' words just ring untrue. Delusional at best.

It'd been more interesting if the Empty hadn't taken Castiel. I would have liked to see the fall out of the confession, although I think most likely Dean would have just acted like nothing's happened. It's not that I wanted a grand Destiel finale, quite the opposite. I like the general idea of the dynamic of Castiel confessing and Dean not reciprocating, but the way it was done was so heavy-handed and out of character. It was a bad end for Castiel's character arc. It was weird and bad attempt at trying to make everyone happy, not trying to get a good solution from a story telling POV.

#sorry these took a while to answer...#my asks #season 15 #personal #supernatural

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kate2kat · 4 years ago

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5 fics

I was tagged by @earlgreytea68 (waves from way over here)

Rules: It’s time to love yourselves! Choose your 5(ish) favorite works you created in the past year (fics, art, edits, etc.) and link them below to reflect on the amazing things you brought into the world in 2020. Tag as many writers/artists/etc. as you want (fan or original) so we can spread the love and link each other to awesome works!

When I first read this, I thought, oh well, I haven’t written 5 things this year, because I have been very consumed with 2 long fics, but then I checked, and it turns out I have posted 7 things this year.

1. I think my favourite -- for just how fizzy it made me feel, and because it was this gorgeous chain reaction sparked by a comment by @amysnotdeadyet on a tumblr post and resulting in the gift of some lovely art -- is Red in which Eames gives Arthur a fabulous Alexander McQueen suit to wear to their wedding.

He had known from the moment he saw the name on the box, that it would be spectacular. But he hadn’t known exactly how.

He has some astonishing suits from Alexander McQueen, but this one is beyond his imagining.

Suitp*rn (TM) is my absolute favourite thing to write for Arthur and Eames, and I think clothes can tell a lot about a person, not just the one wearing them, and a lot about a relationship.

2. I posted two longish instalments in my Good Omens series: Now we both together I think has some lovely moments during the time when Crowley and Aziraphale have to try to imagine what their lives can be like now that they are out of their old jobs, and also have to rethink (Crowley especially) their understanding of their places in the grand scheme of things.

And of course, the taking off of many layers of clothes features too (it’s a pretty bulletproof thing of mine):

Crowley pushes Aziraphale — gently, firmly, relentlessly — back into the mound of them and leans down over him and kisses him intently. And then he straightens up and undoes Aziraphale’s many buttons: his waistcoat and his shirt and his old-fashioned trouser flies. “So many buttons,” he grumbles, but Aziraphale just smiles, he knows Crowley likes the fact that the many buttons draw this part out and out and out, filling them both with delicious shivery anticipation.

3. Inception’s many challenges are a great way to write things you might not of thought of yourself, and for Eames Stupid Cupid I was lucky enough to get a prompt from @oceaxe-ifdawn, giver of the very best prompts, that really make me think. This one was no exception: “distemper” -- an illness and an old-fashioned kind of paint. I imagined Eames (in particular) growing sick of dreamshare and wanting A new life, which I pictured in the sort of sleepy French village that I have dreamed of living in. I am not nearly good enough at investing to afford such a thing, but Arthur is.

“What are we doing, Eames?” says Arthur as he drives back down the track, concentrating on the ruts.

“Thinking of buying a farm?”

Arthur laughs. “Well, we are retired.”

“You’d consider it? It’s not just the sort of holiday dream you allow yourself after a bit too much wine?”

“Not bad wine, either,” says Arthur.

Eames looks over at him and Arthur takes his eyes off the track long enough to meet his smile.

4. I wrote a little thing on New Year’s day, partly because few years ago I spent Christmas day writing a really good Christmas for Bob, who hadn’t until then had many really good Christmases. Rainy day isn’t a seasonal fic at all, just a bit of quiet reflection on how things change and get better.

Much later, after they’ve been and done the shopping and they’re on the sofa watching football, Bob lying with his head in Dave’s lap, not really watching, he was never that interested in football, really, he says: “When I woke up early this morning, the rain was hitting the window and it reminded me of the first time I stayed here. I was so bloody scared, when you asked me to stay, did you know how scared I was?”

Dave says, his hands on Bob, in his hair, on his shoulder, keeping his eyes on the screen like Bob is: “I think I guessed a bit.”

“I’m glad you made me stay, imagine if you hadn’t?”

“We’d still have worked it out, I think.”

“Yeah, probably. But I’m glad I took the second chance then.” He turns his face up to look at Dave, and Dave’s looking down at him. “We know each other so well now, I know what you like, and you know me. I love that. I love it.”

5. Which brings me to the fic that has consumed me for the last six months to the exclusion of everything else. I have never posted a WIP and god, the stress! I don’t think I’ll do it again in a hurry.

Nocturnal Creatures sprung out of the mood that Bastille’s album Doom Days gave me, listening to it in the car driving home form the office (when we still went to offices) late at night. It’s got nothing to do with the story that the album is telling, but the idea of Eames as a vampire who hates being one, meeting Arthur, who is in dreamshare, and daring to hope he could escape his dark existence took hold and wouldn’t let go. So when the Big Bang came around I proposed it. But I hadn’t actually outlined much of it at the time, and it grew a mind of its own and the posting date came and the story was (I thought) not finished but maybe nearly done? Haha, I’m still writing it. I promise it really is nearly finished, anyone who is still interested (but I have said that several times before, I admit). Anyway, here’s a bit from the last chapter I’ve written, which is not posted yet, but will be soon. I’ll put it under a cut.

Arthur sits up, placing a hand on Eames’ chest, keeping him on his back. A frown flits across his face, as if he is debating something with himself. Eames relaxes his hands at his sides, palms up, quiescent, and Arthur smiles, bending down and kissing him. “I’m in your hands,” Eames says.

Arthur nods, and positions Eames’ arms above his head, spanning both wrists with one strong hand as he leans in again, biting softly at Eames’ mouth, and then harder, pushing in as his other hand moves down, pressing at his throat just hard enough to make Eames swallow, feeling the resistance. And then Arthur’s hand has moved on, down his chest, brushing across his nipples, tweaking one, and when Eames arches into the touch, pinching the other harder. He chases Arthur’s mouth when he ends the kiss, sitting up.

He leans over to the nightstand and Eames lifts his head, trying to see if he is retrieving the lubricant, but in Arthur’s hand is his dark red tie, the tie he gave to Eames.

“May I?” he asks.

So there we have it, for anyone who is still reading. A year of writing in a very weird time. The pandemic doesn’t feature at all.

I will tag @amysnotdeadyet, and @oceaxe-ifdawn (I don’t know if you have written anything this year but you have made some fabulous videos), and @my-citrus-pocket

#writing #my fic #writing meme

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claryaastark · 4 years ago

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Endlessly

04162020

March 25, 1920

Dear You,

I am writing this letter just to let you know that I still miss you so much, my love. Being far from home is not easy, I made a lot of adjustments here in our dormitory. We do a lot of scheduled daily tasks, also the housemistress is very strict. I cannot eat my mom's special calderata, I don't really like the foods here, the amount is small and it tastes way too different from my mom's cooking. I miss the smell of my father's brewed coffee as I woke-up every morning. I miss the sound of the water from the Estero and the cool breeze of the wind from my window. I miss Binondo, and most importanly, you.

It's 8:30 in the evening, the housemistress will do the head count and evening checking at 9. Writing this letter for a short span of time is not easy, especially now that I am expressing how much I long for you. I still remember the first time that we met. I was riding the Kalesa with ate Maria, on the Calle Escolta. And I saw you lifting a sack of flour on the famous Pan De Sal bakery. You held my hand and help me get down from the Kalesa to get the orders from your shop. And that moment of time, I fell inlove with you. I remember the times when I used to sneak from our house's window during dark and we are going to ride the boat and roam along the Estero de Binondo. You are holding my hand, and we are both hoping not to get caught. As we look at the stars above, and the moon shines through us. We used to do a morning walk on the Calle Real Palacio and enjoy the scent of the fresh Kalachuchi. You also love to pick a pink gumamela, and put it beside my ears while telling me how lovely I am and how much you want to be with me.

I can't also forget the time that you held the guitar and sing for me in the Plaza Moraga during the town's feast. I was so happy that time and I feel like I was the luckiest woman in the world. You held my hand, and asked for the permission of my parents. And we danced. We danced under the stars while you speak to me, telling me how beautiful I am that night, telling me how much you appreciate me. After that, you ask me to marry you and I said yes. We were just so happy.

But the world is uncertain and things always change. Two months before our wedding day, a letter came to me. I was accepted by my dream university here in Baguio City. This is something that I've been waiting for a very long time, this is my dream. But chasing this dream for myself also means losing you. And I don't want that to happen. I tried not to chase this dream for myself and just be happy with you. But you pushed me, you pushed me to do this for myself. You made me choose this dream instead of you. It's hard, but you promised that you will wait for me. Even if it takes forever.

But promises are meant to be broken. I know that you won't read this letter and there is no chance of seeing you again. But I want you to know, that I still mourn for you. That I will never have the chance to move on and get over from that night. That night when a letter came to me telling that you died from an accident. It still feels like a dream to me. All our hopes, all of the things that we planned together were just gone, in a snap. I can't do anything, I can't force things to happen. It hurts, I still cry every night my love. I miss you so much. And writing this letter is just my way to live in a dream. A dream that you and I are still together. Maybe another place, maybe another time. Till then, let's say goodbye I see you in another life. You will always be my love, my life and my everything. I know that will meet again, someday. Someday.

Forever Your Love

Today is March 25, 1970. It was so weird that I saw this letter out of nowhere while cleaning my dorm. And upon reading this, I didn't notice that I was already crying. I can feel the pain of the woman who wrote this. I don't know who this person is, nor the ending of their story but I hope that she found her happiness.

I pick the letter and put it on the box of my stuff. I insert my newly purchased CD on the Sylvania console stereo. This is a gift from my father before I left Cebu to study here in Baguio city. He knows so well that I love music so much and it was some sort of magic that makes me feel comforted. I played Let It Be, the last song that was released by my favorite band, The Beatles. Two weeks had passed since Paul McCartney stated that he is leaving the band. It was heart breaking especially for me, who is a big fan of this band. Sadly, I prepare for my morning class while listening to their last song.

Long day was over. Everything is just typical. Acads, people, routine. Though it was still tiring. I am a Fine Arts student in University of The Philippines here in Baguio City. Living an independent life is not easy. I miss my family so much, I miss my mom's cooking, my dad's silly joke as we spend our time under the mango tree during siesta. I miss my friends in Cebu, the sea, the farm. I miss everything about my home. The sun is setting and I am walking along the busy street of the Session Road while wearing my earphones. I decided to eat my dinner alone on Inihaws, my favorite restaurant here. While eating my dinner, I noticed a boy who keeps staring at me. I tilted my body to block his view, it feels awkward and creepy. As I continue to eat my food, I can see on my peripheral vision that he is still staring at me. I heaved a sigh and look directly to his eyes, I waved my hand and patted the seat beside me. Asking him to come and sit.

“What are you staring at?" I asked arrogantly.

He pouted his lips, pointing my plates and artworks. Ah, so he's looking at my artworks.

“What about them?" I asked him.

“They're nice and classic, I love them. Fine arts?" He talks so manly and attractive, uhh?

“Yup. There is just something that I saw this morning which inspired me for my plate today"

I explained as we both looked on the sketch of a woman riding a Kalesa, and a man who is holding her hand, they are both alive and smiling. They are the people on the letter that I read this morning.

The conversation went smoothly. I found out that he is an Architecture student on Saint Louis University, we are both into arts. I got no stuff to do this evening, so I decided to go with him as he asked me to have an evening walk along the Session Road. We talk about our interest, arts, music, things that we are fond of. We got a lot of things in common. He talks a lot, and I like how quick-witted he is as he tells a lot of jokes. We didn't notice the hour, it was already 10 in the evening. I do not as well, but I don't feel scared on this man that I just met few hours ago. I feel comfortable and we have this sort of connection like we knew each other on the past. We spent the night telling each other's story. We went to his small art room, and he painted me. He ask me to hold a plastic flower as I smile while he is painting me. It seems like I met a stranger, and this whole night is like a fairy-tale.

It was already 3 in the morning, we are sitting on the grass while we look on the city lights below. It was so beautiful. As well as the man beside me, he is lovely. I didn't ask for his name but it feels like I already know him so well. He tilted his head on my direction and caught me staring at him, he smiled and out of nowhere, his face turns sad.

“I'm married" he said.

I was shocked. I was hurt, and there is something that stings on my chest.

“I know you since we were freshmen, I first saw you sketching on the Inihaws. You are alone and you seem so committed with your passion. I find it so adorable, the way you move your hand, the way you put your hair on the side of your ears. The way you frown your forehead as you make some mistakes. I fell in love with you, the first time I saw you. Since then, I always follow you. I see you walking on the street while wearing your earphones. I always see you eating alone on the Inihaws. I always see you smiling on the street vendors, you are adorable as you say your good morning to them. And when I finally decided to introduce and show myself to you. My mom from Sagada called me. Asking me to come home. That day, I went home to Sagada. I saw my ex-girlfriend, and she has a child — our child. We were a stubborn, inlove teenagers during high school. We broke up just like a typical puppy love story. But I didn't know, that I got her pregnant. My son is already two years old when she showed up. She can't raise our child alone, so she decided to tell it to me and my family. Two months after, we get married."

My heart is aching as I listened to his story, I feel bad for him, I feel bad for us. I didn't speak a word. I just let myself stare on the city lights below. I can't process my thoughts right now. Feels like the fairytale is finally over. Surprisingly, he held my hand.

“I love my son, he is the reason why I am working hard to become an Architect. I love her mother, but not the way that I love you from a far. I fell in love with you and you deserve to know it. I was so happy loving you from afar, and thank you for that. Maybe another place, maybe another time. Till then, let's say goodbye I see you in another life, Stella"

He called my name, and he left.

Those were the last thing that he said that night. And I never saw him again. Maybe, maybe someday we will have the chance to love each other not just from afar. We will be together, someday.

March 25, 2020. This is it, this is the day that me and friends are finally seeing each other! After one year of not meeting everyone because of College, we're finally going out today. We chose the art exhibit as a venue for our date today. I'm excited! I kissed my mom as I went downstairs for breakfast, she teased me that our plan for today will be cancelled because of my excitement. I love my mom so much but sometimes, I hate her for ruining my moments hmp. I eat my favorite egg roll and decided to ignore her.

The time is 2:30 in the afternoon. I am already prepared for today's meeting. I drove the car and play my classic OPM playlist. I love music so much, and I can't live without it. Kamikazee's Tagpuan is currently playing, I bang my head and sang along with the melody of the song. It's 4 in the afternoon when I arrived at the venue. It is odd because I see no familiar face here. I opened my phone to ask where they are, and found out that the exhibit plan was cancelled during the last minute. And they decided to just eat on the restaurant nearby our place. I don't know what to feel, I feel bad for not checking my phone before leaving the house. I feel bad for being excited, mom is right. I don't know but I kinda felt lazy to go on the restaurant near our place because I traveled to get here for 2 hours. My excitement just all went down. I get in the car and think. Upon fighting with my thoughts I decided to just stay here and continue the exhibit plan, alone. It is a new experience though.

I went inside and everything feels amazing. I’m not an artsy kind of person, I don’t have any talents in art but one thing is sure — I really do appreciate art. I love to spend my time on looking at the green grass outside, the blue sky above and the beauty of nature. I do love aesthetic things because it reminds me that despite of being cruel, beautiful things on this world still exist. The ambience is nice, the people are few but I can see that they are enjoying the paintings inside the hall. I walk and took a photograph of the artworks. After that, I posted it on my instagram story and send it to our group chat to tell them that I can’t make it on our dinner anymore. And I decided to just stay here and stick to the original plan.

I roam around the hall and appreciate the beauty of art. While walking, a painting caught my attention. It was a woman with curly hair, and she was smiling from ear to ear. She was wearing a floral dress and holding a piece of rose. The woman seems so happy and I can feel the genuine emotion of the one who painted it. Is her boyfriend the one who painted her? It was romantic. Suddenly, I feel something weird and unexplainable on my chest, I can really feel something on this painting. Something that is connected with me.

“It was nice and classic, isn’t it lovely?”

I was shocked when someone has spoken out of nowhere, I tilted my head on the direction of the voice, it was a man. He was wearing a black shirt, and he is holding a camera. He is smiling sincerely while looking at the painting, weird but it seems like the voice came from the painting itself.

“Uhh yes. This painting feels so real and sincere. I can feel the emotion of both the painter and the subject” I said while looking directly at the painting. And I was smiling.

Our conversation went smoothly, and it seems like I found an instant date. He talks a lot and I found out that we were on the same University. He is an Engineering student, and he loves to play the guitar. I felt fascinated because I was attracted with men who are inclined to music. We roam around the hall and we were just so happy. Finally, long day is over and we bid our good byes. But before that, he asked for my phone number.

Oh shoot. I forgot to ask his name. But nevermind, I still have a lot of chance to meet him again. I smiled as my phone beeps and I got a text message from an unknown number.

“Take care, I had a good time. See you around” -Mr. Engineer

That’s the text message. I went home with a big smile on my face, the date with my friends have been cancelled. But I found a new experience today. Something more happy, and amazing. I lay in bed and look at the ceiling of my room along with its fake galaxy. I smiled as I remember the man that I met few hours ago. While giggling, I replied on his text message.

“Good night, Mr. Engineer! Had a good time too” -Ms. Psychologist.

To sum it up, we talk on the phone everyday. He always made my day, he always make me smile. He jokes a lot and he had a lot on his mind. He is quick-witted and very manly. After a few weeks of talking, I admit that I already had a crush on him. Along with that, we decided to spend our time together. And as time passed by, I am knowing him more and more.

We had the same interest in almost everything. We watched the same movies together. We listen to our favorite songs. We eat our favorite foods. Though we never share any of our favorite foods, especially him who can fight with anyone who touches his food, even me. We travelled places to taste various delicacies. We went to church regularly to pray. He became a part of my everyday. He loves picking a flower and putting it on the side of my ears. He loves playing the guitar for me.

It was really nice, to found someone who appreciates every little thing on you. Someone who can lend his ears and shoulder to listen. Someone who can cheer you up whenever you are feeling down. He loves kissing me, but loves hugging me more. I felt home and safe on his arms. It was weird but there is something that is telling me, that we really had the connection and we knew each other a very long time ago. All that he made me feel was something new. It was my first time, to fall inlove with someone. I had no doubts and regrets.

But the world is always uncertain, there are lots of things that we are unsure, so is us. We are just happy, and then in just a snap we parted our ways, and we fell apart. Maybe another place, maybe another time. Till then let’s say good bye, I see you in another life. I know that he is a blessing from God, and whatever it takes. We will meet again, someday.

Parang isang panaginip, Ang muling mapagbigyan, tayo ay muling magkasama.

Panatag na ang kalooban ko, At ika’y kapiling ko na Kay tagal kitang hinintay

I smiled as this classic song by Spongecola played on my car’s stereo. Today is 25th of March, 2025. And I am finally seeing him again. I smiled, a nervous smile mixed with excitement.

It was weird because last night, as I was fixing my stuff in our Ancestral house in Bagac, Bataan, I saw an old box . It was a collection of CDs, some of the albums are from The Beatles. And I saw a very old letter, the pen was already disappearing and it was already stained. The letter was from March 25, 1920. It was very old ; a hundred and five years ago. Along with the letter, I also saw an artwork. A sketch of a woman riding a Kalesa, and a man who is holding her hand, they are both alive and smiling on this artwork. I asked mom about this stuff, and she said that it belongs to my great grandmother, Stella. It was her stuff during her college days on Baguio City.

Anyway, after the very long wait. I am finally seeing him again.

The hall is full of people. I am wearing a red polka dots dress, I know that black is his favorite color but I want to show him something new. It seems like I was lost in the crowd and I can’t see him anywhere. But as I was walking through the sea of people, someone held my hand and whispered.

“You look so beautiful, baby. You never changed” I got teary-eyed as I heard his voice. Oh God, I miss him so much. I miss this man. The man that I lost and the same man that I found again. The long wait is over, we finally have the chance to be with each other. I hugged him tight, the only man that I ever loved, love and I will love wherever and whenever.

“Baby, I’m no angel, I’m just me. But I will love you endlessly” those were the words that I whispered through his ear.

“We parted our ways together, we fell apart but fate will always make a way for us. Time will always tell. In another place, in another time, we will always be together, our love is endless”

Words that I said, while directly looking into his eyes.

It’s 25th of March, year 2030. And today is our wedding day.

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bombshellbois · 4 years ago

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Sticking Points

Rating: T

Summary: The summer of 1986 doesn’t look much different to Billy than the summer of 1985 did, when it started. Few more scars, few more burned bridges, but not much else has changed. He’s still working at the pool, and still giving swimming lessons to bratty kids. Today the bratty kid is Holly Wheeler.

It’s funny the things that stick in life. Billy has found himself thinking that a lot lately. His days are eerily similar to last summer, right down to the weight of the lifeguard whistle against his chest. Sure, there was the brush with actual fucking monsters (not really a brush so much as a head-on collision) but… he didn’t have any better ideas once summer came around again, really. It’s been long enough that he can drown out the memory of that voice that screamed inside his head that the sun would kill him. He still needs a job, still misses the beaches of California, and the best Hawkins can offer is this goddamn pool so…

It’s not like he has any more bad memories of this place than he does of anywhere else.

Sitting on the corner of the pool beside him, dangling her legs into the shallows, is Holly Wheeler. She’s got goggles on her head that look too big for her, with worn blue rubber around the lenses. The neon fish on her swimsuit with the tail the trails on and on reminds Billy vaguely of album art. He’d compliment her taste if he thought she did it on purpose.

Talk about things that stick. Billy’s not sure if Karen has regrets one year later, or if she’s still hanging onto some kind of guilt, but she was insistent that Billy had to give Holly swimming lessons. The size of the tip she gave him and the fact that she gave it to him up front suggests guilt.

“I already know how to swim,” Holly tells him matter-of-factly. She’s staring at him with the same huge dark eyes that her brother and sister both have. She’s blond as fuck, though. Where the hell did that come from? Karen must have used so much peroxide when she was knocked up that it soaked into the womb or something.

“I know.”

“I was here every day last summer,” Holly persists. “Swimming.”

“I know,” Billy repeats. “I was the lifeguard last summer.”

She squints at him, like she’s trying to remember if that’s true, probably stretching the limits of her 6-year-old memory span.

“So you already know I’m a good swimmer,” she says. Billy does know. She knows most of what he’s supposed to teach kids her age, but that’s her problem for having a mom who runs too wet for the pretty ones.

“I’m gonna make you a better swimmer,” he says. “Your form is shit.”

“You can’t say that!” she gasps. “Steve said I’m really good!”

Billy expected her to say he can’t say ‘shit’ because kids believe in rules like that. She doesn’t, probably because she has to hear worse than that from her brother. The Steve thing… Billy isn’t expecting it, but it isn’t a surprise, either. Hawkins’ Golden Boy is gunning for mother of the year. And hey, in this town where his competition is mostly the Karens and the Susans, he just might get it.

“Steve is a nice person.” That’s not Billy’s favorite thing to admit. Makes him feel guilty too easily. “But he’s also a liar.”

And Billy would know.

***

Steve has been to the hospital room a handful of times. Billy suspects he’s been to the parking lot way more often because Neil and Susan sure as hell aren’t bringing Max by as often as she’s here. He just sits there and makes chit-chat every time. He’s good at that, at talking and saying nothing at all. Billy can’t decide if it’s because that’s what silver spooners learn or if Steve is just actually a dumbass.

“You know I don’t actually care, right?” Billy finally says, cutting off Steve’s intense re-telling of his debate with Keith about whether or not Teen Wolf belongs in the horror section.

“You could tell me what you do care about and then I can talk about that,” Steve offers, not missing a beat. Billy rolls his eyes and falls back into the silence he’s lived in for most of Steve’s visits.

Steve groans.

“Billy. Come on, talk to me. I’m not still mad about last year, you know. We can just… start over.”

There are no free passes in life. Billy knows that for a fact. Which means Steve is just saying the right thing you’re supposed to say when someone is in the hospital. He’s a fucking liar, is what he is.

***

“Steve is not a liar,” Holly huffs. “He was a swimmer. He knows when people are good.”

“Steve’s sport was basketball.” Billy grabs the pink boogie board from the side of the pool and drops it into the water. “He just happens to have a pool in his backyard.”

“He was a swimmer when he was dating my sister.” Holly wrinkles her nose at the board and kicks it, making it float off further into the pool. “I’ve seen other swimming lessons. You want me to hold onto that and kick, but I already know how to kick.”

Billy… sort of believes that because Steve was never all that great at basketball, but he did have a jock reputation before Billy came to town. And he’s already kind of wondered sometimes why the guy always brings his pack of kids to the public pool instead of just using his back yard. But then Holly decides to be a massive pain in the ass and he decides he still doesn’t care about any mystery involving Steve Harrington.

He has to handle the Wheeler brat instead.

“Look.” Billy drops his elbow to his knee so his hunched posture puts him on eye-level with Holly. “I know you know how to kick. But we have to go through the lessons, got it?” She’s pursing her lips like she’s about to start bitching again, so Billy just brings out the big guns. “And if I tick off all the little boxes of shit you know how to do, you get a whistle at the end of the week.”

That gets her attention. Bribing always works with kids, but he’s pretty sure Holly knows it’s a bribe. She understands checking off boxes that might be pointless in exchange for a reward. Billy would bet anything her limp-dick dad uses that technique all the time.

“I want the whistle,” she says, pulling her goggles down over her eyes. They slide down her nose, the band way too big on her head to form anything closed to a seal.

“Those are too big for you,” Billy says, holding out his hand. “I’ll hold ‘em. Go get the board.”

Holly pulls them off and hands them to him. “I want them back,” she warns. “Steve gave them to me for my swimming class. He won a trophy once with them and said they’ll bring me good luck.”

Billy doesn’t believe in luck, and personally thinks there would have been more use in Steve just getting Holly a pair of goggles that fit right. But people like stories and sentiments like that. And Steve likes giving people shit.

***

There’s hairspray on the table beside Billy’s bed. Not the right kind, mainly because it’s the expensive shit, where the can is muted chrome, and the logo is in thick, flowy letters. Max sure as hell didn’t buy it. There’s not a long list of people visiting him in the hospital, but there’s only one who would think doing his hair would make him feel better.

Someone (meaning Max) must have shared with Steve that Billy’s latest ‘milestone’ (because every single fucking thing counts as a milestone if your injuries fuck you up enough) is being allowed to shower on his own. He’s happy about that, don’t get him wrong. The nurses around here are not the stuff of wet dreams, and being sponged by a 60-something who talks about her collapsed uterus was pretty much hell. But seriously, he didn’t need that shared with Harrington. That guy is being weird enough about this already.

Billy hates that he kind of wants to. Wants to wash his hair, which feels grimy and flat from being slept on so much. Wants to pick it with a comb while it’s damp, give it some lift, rub it dry with a t-shirt so it won’t frizz… and yeah, maybe spray it in place a little. And he really fucking hates that the town pretty boy, with his head of brunette fluff and nothing else, understands that so well.

He dumps the can in the trash and makes sure Steve can see it in there.

***

Holly retrieves the board and kicks her way back over with it. Billy mentally checks off that box in his head. Yeah, he’ll probably make her do it some more just so she’s quiet for longer. He’s gonna milk the promise of that graduation whistle for as long as he can. But the kid can clearly already kick.

“Don’t scuff them,” she reminds him when he must run a thumb over the rim of the goggles in the wrong way or something. Billy sighs internally. Clearly Harrington’s next generation of kids are already forming their attachments to him. Which means Billy is going to have to see him shuttling kids to and from the pool well after his current bunch gets their licenses.

“I’m not scuffing Steve’s shitty goggles, kid,” he snaps.

“They’re my goggles now,” she says, the imperious tone grating in the same way her brother’s does. And her sister’s. Fucking Wheelers, man. “And you should be nicer to Steve.”

“Steve isn’t even here. Why does it matter?” Billy sets the goggles on the side of the pool so the kid can stop glowering at him.

“Because he said I should be nice to you,” she says, tossing the boogie board up onto the poolside where it turns the stones darker with a splatter of water.

God Billy wants a fucking cigarette. “Can’t imagine why he did that. We’re not friends.”

***

“We’re not buddies, Harrington.” There’s venom in Billy’s voice, but Steve just looks tired. And kind of frustrated, like he knows he opened his mouth too wide and can’t take it back now.

“I didn’t say we were. Or that we were going to be.”

He didn’t. But ‘I can help with your PT if you want’ isn’t exactly something to say to the guy you had a fistfight with a few months ago. It’s a nice offer and it’s coming after too many goddamn nice things, and Billy… Billy is over it. Harrington just keeps showing up and talking and trying to act like he and Billy are just gonna be nice to each other. Like that’s a thing that happens in real life.

“I don’t want your fucking help.”

“I know.” And Steve sounds like he does know. Maybe he knows exactly how much Billy hates every second he insists on sitting in that plastic chair, hates every chipper word out of his mouth. And still keeps coming like a sadist. Or a masochist. Or both in one fucking punching bag of a package.

“So fuck off! Stop showing up to visit me, stop leaving shit around my room life a fucking creeper! Get on with your shitty life, maybe go collect some more kids to need you!” Billy is sure some of that wounds. If Steve’s fall from grace in his senior year was a Greek tragedy, his languishing in a humiliating job while everyone else went off to college was some depressing Dickens shit. The kind where everyone knows, and everyone judges and tuts about it. But other than a little tightening in the jaw, Steve doesn’t react.

Billy’s stomach does. Turns sour and roils and wants to take it all back as badly as Steve wanted to take back his offer to help. But the words are out and it’s full steam ahead, and he’s slapping his palm repeatedly against the button to call the nurse before Steve can do something stupid like apologize, like he’s the one who did something wrong.

Steve doesn’t visit again. He can’t. Billy tells the nurses he doesn’t want him in there, and never asks if he tries to come back.

***

“You know, if you’re not nice to people, then no one will by nice to you,” Holly tells him, breaking Billy out of his reverie. The wisdom of a 6-year-old. “But if you’re nice, like to Steve, then maybe you can be friends.”

“Wow, is that how friends work?” Billy rolls his eyes, but it’s probably lost on Holly since he has sunglasses on. “Consider me fuckin’ schooled.”

Holly grasps at the lip of the pool a few times , trying to pull herself out. It doesn’t work, so she just waves a hand at Billy’s arm until he obliges and holds it out to her. She grabs it and pull herself out of the water, planting her butt back on the corner of the pool.

“Thank you,” she says. “Now you say ‘you’re welcome’ to me.”

“Trying to improve my manners, kid?”

“Yes. Good manners make it easier to make friends.”

Billy sighs and hands her back her goggles. His brain hurts, and his chest feels a little tight from too much thinking. Too many memories that are still fresh enough to sting. A cursory glance at the row of moms confirms that no, Karen didn’t stick around. Definitely a guilt thing.

“Tell you what. Why don’t we skip the rest of the baby lessons today and I buy your silence with a popsicle from the staff freezer?”

Holly, like all smart kids, knows when she’s got a good offer on the table. She nods immediately, fitting Steve’s goggles back on her head. “Deal.”

Billy stands up and heads for the staff office, with small, wet footsteps slapping the ground behind him. Holly might be okay. She’s a quick kid, and not quite as annoying as her siblings. Yet. She might even be right about a few things too.

And with any luck, as long as there’s a decent stash of flavors to barter with in the freezer, she might even be useful in figuring out how Steve likes people to be nice to him.

#my writing #harringrove #harringrove fanfic #billy/steve #pre-relationship #I'm sure I'm not the only one who wondered what it looked like to see Billy Hargrove giving swimming lessons to a child #I feel like Billy wouldn't necessarily be nice to kids #but he'd have their respect by not being fake nice #that makes sense in my head so let's go with that #I am very tired

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thegeminisage · 5 years ago

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hey liz i've been thinking a lot about story structure lately and i wanted your take on how you decide what structure your stories will have? i know there's that "you have to do what your story needs and tells you to do" thing but these bitches dont ever tell me anything they just multiply so. thoughts? - bma

(as an aside, i don't know whether involving medium would change many things but it may be worth considering. mainly i think medium is just a matter of arrangement and that the story would be for most intents and purposes the same no matter how you choose to tell it. i guess you could argue that structure is arrangement in itself and intrinsically tied to medium but i sort of feel like it is secondary arrangement, if at all? like if you consider time as an element to outline -- the time IN the story (how things happen to your characters) is not necessarily the time you’re telling the story IN (how you are telling your reader that things are happening) aka internal chronology doesnt equal your work’s pacing? or should it??? does this make sense? i dont think so. i am sorry.) - bma :|

NOOO dont be sorry ur making total sense

i think there’s 3 thots to unpack here (medium, structure, & chronology) & i’m gonna start with medium bc it’s easier. im also putting it behind a cut bc it’s gonna get just stupidly long and rambly. i’m sorry in advance if it’s not helpful to you, i have a lot to say for someone who has never taken even one single class on writing and as a result doesn’t know jack shit (there’s a tl;dr at the end dont worry)

about MEDIUM:

so like ok i’m just some goof-off with a HS degree who writes fanfiction but In My Very Super Qualified Personal Opinion, i don’t think that most of the time medium is intrinsically tied to STRUCTURE of the main storytelling arc...i think the art of storytelling itself is distinct from the medium you choose to tell the story IN. this post puts it better than i ever could but basically for me, i feel like the story itself is sort of the raw, malleable concept, and the medium you choose to tell it in is how you convey the information??

like in a book, you can say “she forgot her keys” and in a film you have to show her smacking her forehead, heading back into the house, and swiping her keeps off the counter. you can’t TELL in film, you have to show. similarly i regret every day i cannot perfectly describe a facial expression with words when i see it so clearly in my head. for audio-only podcasts that are dialogue heavy out of necessity you have different limitations than you would for, say, animated music videos with no dialogue at all. games allow for more interactivity and exploration while sacrificing accessibility, tv shows allow for more length while sacrificing, uh, a big hollywood budget...medium affects the kind of story you can reasonably tell which is why some stories are better suited to one medium than another. i think trying things in other mediums is a good way to stretch your storytelling muscles but with enough skill nearly any story could be told in any medium. i think when trying to decide on a medium you just gotta weigh the pros & cons and what you feel comfortable with/what you think would be most effective/what would evoke the strongest reaction

re: structure:

firstly “do what the story tells u to do” is a little silly like...the story isn’t sentient. come on. that’s like “i can only write when the writing gods inspire me” there are no writing gods! inspire yourself! it’s all in our weird messed up brains! ok anyway.

this is, again, just how i do things, and i am 700% self-taught so take it with a grain of salt, but when i sit down and start blocking out a story from scratch i don’t...actually consider the big structure at all! sorry if that’s not helpful to you. i like to make a list of everything i want to happen, and then put it together in a few different orders to see what looks best. and when i’m finished, whatever i have just like...IS the structure i go with, with perhaps minor tinkering to make it flow more smoothly. (i think this might be in the same spirit as “do what the story tells you” with less bullshit and more Agency Of The Writer.)

for long and more complex projects, i actually usually have several lists - one list of stuff that is, for example, the Action Plot (the kingdom has been cursed, i’m tracking down my serial killer sister to bring her to justice, i’m running from djinn who wanna kill my dad, i’m trying to bring my dead not-boyfriend back to life). then i have another list for Character A & Character B’s romance or whatever. and maybe a even another one for solo character development (magicphobic prince learns to love magic, former werewolf hunter figures out his family is a cult, half-demon learns to embrace his own nature). and as many lists as we need for however many Main Characters and or Plots/Sideplots

how i order the lists: individually first. don’t mix them together to start with. when deciding the order of an individual list i like to, for example in a romance arc, use escalating intimacy. “A and B have dinner together” is naturally gonna go way sooner than “A and B kiss” or “A and B talk about A’s angsty backstory” because that’s more satisfying. draw it out, good/important stuff last, dangle that carrot so we have a reason to keep reading! for singular character development, it’s basically a straightforward point A to point B...if i want my guy to start hating magic with everything he is and end up being very comfortable with it, i have to put “reluctantly uses magic to save his own life” WAYYY before “casually using magic to light torches and reheat his cold stew.”

the tricky part for me is when i’m done with these lists and then i need to mix them together To Pace My Whole Story. (this is usually why i wind up with a rainbow colored spreadsheet.) i don’t like to put too many things too close together because then the pace feels uneven. even if my Action Plot is only a thinly veiled excuse for romance and character development, i still don’t want to focus on a romance for 30,000 words and then go “and oh yeah in case you forgot Serial Killing Sister is still coming for your asses.” the more sideplots and major character arcs you’re juggling the harder it is to get an even distribution, which is my main concern always

and like, generally, whatever i have when i’m finished...is my structure. (sorry.)

i don’t know much about the classic 3-act or anything like that, but i usually can divide them up into 3-5 big arcs based on story turning points. sometimes i take a scene out of one arc and put it in another because it fits better and i like for my shit to be organized, but usually by the time i’m finished with all that, that’s what the final story is mostly gonna look like. (there have been a few exceptions when i realized i needed extra scenes/changes while i was MID-DRAFT and let me tell you that murders me EVERY time. it happened on the merlin fic i’m currently posting and that was like my own personal hell.)

this is also where thots about chronology come in:

i think time CAN be an element of this if you WANT it to be, but it doesn’t HAVE to be. if you want it to be, i would consider it just another “list” like character development or the romance arc.

i usually plot without considering Time very much...to me, it’s all down to the events you want to show, and however much time it takes is the byproduct. if you want to show something from a character’s chilhood but then tell the bulk of it when they’re adults, that’s one thing. if you want to show a scene from their childhood, teenhood, young adulthood, etc, that’s a different kind of pacing?? i usually do it this way so i can regard time like wordcount: it takes as long as it takes. 3 days or 3 years, a 1.5k drabble or a 100k epic...overall, my LARGEST CONCERN is that even distribution. in the same way that i don’t want one chapter to be 30,000 words when the rest are 10,000 words, i personally am not a fan of huge timeskips offscreen

(because this where i think someone’s own internal chronology DOES matter...this is just a personal preference, as a reader i have a hard time really comprehending, say, a year timeskip or a 10yr timeskip when all i did was turn one page. like, a year is such a long time. i can’t even begin to describe how different i am now to how i was a year ago. it’s the same for character development. time IS development and as a writer i’m not really comfortable having that take place offscreen - for main characters, at least. it’s just too jarring. a little prologue with something happening 10 or 20 years ago is usually fine, but for the most part, i’m not a fan. ...i can do one chapter per year a lot easier than i can do two chapters in childhood and the other 8 in adulthood. of course you can play with this a LOT with nonlinear storytelling, which is a whole other very cool thing, and someone skilled in their work can keep me sucked in no matter what, but imo if you don’t want to risk throwing your reader out of your work it’s better to keep things steady)

HOWEVER sometimes time IS an element u wanna consider outside of just making sure your shit is evenly distributed...if your heart is moved to tell a story in a specific timeframe, over a year, or from solstice to solstice (this was almost the timeline for my merlin fic and then i changed it), for the first six months of a friendship, or even a huge journey in the span of a single day (toby fox had a lot of success with this one lol).

i think it can help to choose a start and end point for your chronology the same way you do for character development (prince goes from hating magic to being ok with it, story takes place from ages 8 to 25, or from new year’s eve 2038 to 2039, whatever) - that way you can keep your distribution even, if that’s a thing you want to do...even if you have a lot of skips you can still note what happens offscreen to make it work better in your head? like, if you just make it another List, another column on your spreadsheet, when you’re in the early stages of organizing you can be conscious of it and make sure it’s playing into the story the way you want it to

anyway these r my thots im SOOOO SORRY this is so long lmao. brain machine broke today which is why i had to ramble more to explain myself. the tl;dr in case ur brain is melting out of ur ears & u didn’t sign up for an essay:

imo medium is totally distinct from storytelling tho ofc some stories are better suited to some mediums

structure? i don’t know her. i plot w/o regard to structure and then if it looks funny i mush it into a more structurally sound shape

my main concern when structuring anything, including time, is an even distribution of Events and a steady rate of escalation

structure to me is just what i have when i’m finished plotting. i’m sorry one day i’m gonna take a writing class

internal chronology matters to me personally because i have a little bit of time blindness but maybe not to everyone, i know many very successful stories where they disregarded that entirely to no ill effect

writer’s block isn’t real! everyone just needs more rainbow spreadsheets

thank u for asking I HOPE i didn’t make you regret it too badly lmao and that at least a little of it was helpful!!

#personal #liz loves writing #liz answers asks #brit marling anon #i couldn't figure out how to answer u without walking u thru my entire process #so that's what i did and that's why it's so long. very sorry.#im gonna set this up to reblog itself at the time u sent ur ask so that ur sure to see it!!#edit: there was SUPPOSED to be a cut on this but tumblr put it in the ASK?? i can't seem to fix it. rip

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softhaos · 6 years ago

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MODERN FAIRYTALE – MINGYU

pairing – kim mingyu x reader genre – fluff warning – none word count – 1,191 words

drabbles loosely based on fairytales & the one where he helps you with everything aka rumpelstiltskin but without the deals and screaming instead

part of the modern fairytale series

There is more to Mingyu that meets the eye. He always comes in to save the day, be it intentionally or not. He knows how to fix any given problem and demands nothing in return. He gives and gives but never takes.

It’s a guessing game when it comes to Mingyu. He is a mystery: not easy to crack open but dying to be solved.

Whenever you were struggling – be it an art project that was due in less than 24 hours or a simple question to statistics – he would always be there at the right time to help you out. You didn’t even have to ask him; the despairing look on your face seemed to be enough for him to know that you were in trouble. And if he wasn’t coincidentally near your presence, he was simply one call away from you.

As time goes by, your appreciation and gratitude slowly turned into an ever-growing soft spot towards him. After all, only Mingyu would get on his bike and cycle through the entire city at one in the morning to help you with your problems. Only Mingyu would sometimes bring his own food because he knows that you sometimes forget to feed yourself. Only Mingyu would frantically text you a mix of keyboard smashes and emojis while he asks you for the tenth time if he needs to come over.

The fact that you two were soon glued to each other was bound to happen sooner or later. Over the span of the few months knowing him, your fondness towards him has grown to the height of mountains. That fondness may have developed into something more than just platonic feelings and you are painfully aware of that.

It doesn’t help that he moved next door not too long ago and is now literally just a window away from you. It doesn’t help that your bedroom window faces his bedroom window. And it certainly doesn’t help that Mingyu knows that too and sticks a new note on his window every day for you to read.

Mingyu gives and gives and never takes, or so he thinks. Whether he knows it or not, he’s taken your heart.

At a certain point, you can no longer bear it. You keep telling yourself to take back the feelings he's stolen from you. But every time you want to do it, it backfires. It always does.

Blame Mingyu. He gives and gives and never takes. That’s exactly what bothers you. He does this thing where he seemingly opens up and has no secrets about himself. But the more you think about, the more you realize that you barely know him.

When it comes to Mingyu, he tells tales about his achievements and leaves out the tragedies. His strategy seems to work because everyone who talks to and about him doesn’t bother to dig deeper about more serious topics.

You admit he also had you wrapped around his finger. Now, you’re dying to figure him out.

(Maybe that’s a little bit exaggerated. You’re just trying to get by without him. Unraveling him is the decision of your subconscious.)

The signs are subtle at first.

You try to complete your tasks without his help and whenever you do need assistance, you ask Wonwoo. It doesn't take long for Mingyu to figure out that you're purposefully avoiding him. When he finally catches you red-handed with Wonwoo, he’s confused, to say the least. There are times where he’s asked if he did anything wrong. Of course, he has never done anything that hurt you, but you figure you should stop relying on him so much.

Nobody can deny that Mingyu is very oblivious. But if he tries hard enough and depending on his drive to solve it, he can pick up the pieces extremely fast. Aside from that, he’s not one to confront someone and lets time solve all problems.

Naturally, you’re taken aback when he pulls you into his abode even though you just stopped by to give him leftover cupcakes for the fifth time this week.

“You’re acting weird. What’s up?” he asks with an unnaturally strained tone.

Confused by the entire scene, you start slowly, “Uh, I made too many cupcakes and–”

“No, what’s up?”

This time, you’re the one who has irritation written on the face. When you don’t speak another word, Mingyu paces around frantically.

“I must have done something wrong for you to act like this. I mean, you and Wonwoo? Nothing against him, but you asked him about calculus even though he’s worse than you in that field? And then you come by and give me food for no apparent reason? You could be keeping yourself alive with just sugar for the past week and I don’t know what to do because you’re avoiding me!”

“Why should I be avoiding you? I literally came by five times this week to drop this off!” you snort and point at the box of sweets on the table.

“You tell me! You’re refusing my help! Hell, you don’t even look at the notes I stick on my window for weeks now!”

You don’t know how you ended up in screaming at each other like a bickering couple. All you know is that neither of you was rational anymore and neither nobody wanted to swallow their pride and give in first.

“Newsflash Mingyu: I am not a baby! I don’t need your help every hour of the day and I certainly don’t need you dictating me! I’m just trying to repay you for everything you’ve done. Is it really that wrong?”

“Obviously I have a problem with it because I barely have an excuse to spend time with you anymore!”

“Don’t go ahead and think you’re the only one suffering. If I had let you pamper me to no end with no strings attached I would’ve been so much in love with you I wouldn’t be able to get out of it anymore!”

The room becomes exceptionally silent as soon as the words leave your lips. You’re just as speechless as Mingyu, both of you trying to process everything.

He’s the first to recover from the information dump and threads lightly with a soft and fragile voice. “You really meant that?”

You gulp. “Y-yeah and I’d really appreciate it if we just forgot this. If you excuse me, this situation never escalated and I think it’s time for me to go home–”

You’re about to grab for the door handle, but before you manage to get out, a hand tightly grips your wrist and forces you to crash against his chest. Gentle, calloused fingers lift up your chin and at that moment, you swear you could see the stars in his eyes and melt.

“God, you have no idea how long I’ve hoped for you to say that.” His voice is barely a mutter but you pick up each and every word before he leans down and his lips meet yours.

In a way, you’re one step closer to figuring him out. A change has already happened.

Mingyu gives and gives and finally takes.

#mingyu fluff #svt fluff #seventeen fluff #mingyu fanfic #mingyu imagines #seventeen au #mingyu au #seventeen scenarios #svt au #seventeen fanfic #seventeen imagines #svt x reader #seventeen x reader #mingyu x reader #modern fairytale #in this episode of: dara should write a drabble but fails #i might have enjoyed this more and got taken away oops #at this point i gave up writing in past tense that writer!dara is dead #hi pls love the series only one (1) more to go and then this series is finally completed klsjd

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huilianwrites · 5 years ago

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Here’s a little rant about this whole COVID-19 situation. I read somewhere that historians from the future would love it if more people write about what’s going on on a day-to-day basis, especially in times like this (hi future historians! *waves*), and I do think it’s useful for me to let some of these thoughts out instead of just keeping them all to myself, so here’s a little rant.

The COVID-19, or the coronavirus disease of 2019, apparently, became really pronounced around the Chinese New Year of 2020. I’m Indonesian of a Chinese descent, but now I’m studying in a university in Canada. So, at the start, I was just, okay, whatever. It’s spreading in China, and there’s a few cases in Canada because people travel to their hometown in China during Chinese New Year and come back, no big deal. They can lock down the city, and keep people who do have it and have traveled back to wherever they live in quarantine and nothing big will happen. Oh boy was I wrong.

My friends started joking about the coronavirus at first. It’s really not a big deal for us in Canada, and we have much, much bigger concerns, like finishing our problem sets and our next midterm. So they started joking about it, and I didn’t think anything of it other than noticing how my brother can’t go back to university in Hong Kong because they are closing the universities there. Oh, and let’s not forget, my brother hasn’t been in school for a couple months because of the riots of Hong Kong, and now he can’t even go back. People were joking about how the Chinese government develops this virus to end the Hong Kong riots.

Then, as things started to get worse, racism happened. Yay. As I said, I’m of Chinese descent, so I look Chinese, Even if I don’t, I’m Asian, and people started to suspect EVERY SINGLE ASIAN PERSON to have the virus. At this point I haven’t even left Canada in months, because the flight time home, even for winter break, is horrendous, and if I had the virus it would be because someone gave it to me in Canada, which means the odds of you getting it is about the same as me getting it. It reaches a point where I’m scared of coughing in public, because people will then think I have the virus.

Not to mention that I’m still monitoring how things goes in Indonesia, since it is my country. Until months after the outbreak happened, there is no single case in Indonesia. And people started to think that it’s because Indonesia just doesn’t have the capabilities of testing for the virus. Like, are you kidding me? I’m all about criticizing how the Indonesian public health system is, but you don’t have a leg to stand on by saying how Indonesia is a possibly dangerous country to get infected with COVID-19 when you already have the cases of COVID-19 in your own country. Yes, I’m talking to you, Australia and Singapore. Shut up, and deal with the people in your own countries.

But then, of course, things don’t just stop there. More and more cases started to sprout up, and with it, of course, more and more misinformation. Theories about how the COVID-19 is about China developing this virus to take over the world. Like what? And things about deaths because of COVID-19, people spreading panic, and of course, because of smartphones and social media, people who have no idea how to filter information spreads this information even further. Unfortunately, many of my families are amongst them. There are so many misinformation about the virus, but people are not getting the most important information about all of it, which is to WASH YOUR HANDS! They talk about wearing masks, which, does not really help unless you’re already sick and trying not to infect people. Some people wear the N95 respirator, but they don’t do it properly, and leave gaps between their faces and the mask. Some people went further and wore googles and gloves on top of the respirator.

Then things start to get even worse. Italy started to lock down, along with many other countries. The primaries in the US became disrupted because a lot of people got the virus. Indonesia finally had its first case, and the numbers grow exponentially. People are starting to get really scared.

Students start to petition universities to shut down, because 500 students in one room is prime breeding ground for an infectious disease. WHO finally decided to call this a pandemic, which, I’m still bitter about because they only do it once European and American countries started to get lots of cases. But I guess for WHO the definition of a pandemic is the worldwide spread of a new disease. (And the WHO only considers the world to be Europe and America anyways, but that’s my own thoughts and another discussion.)

Finally universities started closing, including my own. All my classes went online in a VERY short time. I applaud all my professors who had to figure out how to went from face-to-face instructions to online classes in a span of about two days. And they managed to make the best of this situation too. Cheers to you, profs! (I’m aware that this has not been the case for a lot of students, and I’m sorry to hear that.)

Canada declared emergency, and all events are canceled, including a lot of performances. The National Ballet of Canada canceled their performance of Romeo and Juliet, which I’m kind of looking forward too. All of the dance crews in my university also postponed or canceled their performances, including my own. We had two big performances scheduled at the end of the semester, and both of them got canceled. My friends who are in performing arts programs got it the worst though. Their year-end performances, which they must have been working on for months, got canceled. I can’t even imagine how disappointed they are. Even I’m already disappointed, and I only dance as a side.

Then famous people started to test positive for COVID-19, including Canada’s prime minister’s wife. Actors and athletes started to test positive. Though, there’s weird and insensitive things that’s happening. First of all, since the COVID-19 mortality rate for people under the age of 60 is not high, a lot of young people thought this is not really a concern for them and continue their travels and parties anyways. Even if you don’t get infected, other people might come in contact with you and then THEY can get infected. And the parties? Come on, people are dying and getting sick. Once classes got canceled a lot of my friends spent the entire weekend partying. You do realize that classes do not end, right? They just got moved online?

Secondly, people started to hoard things. Toilet paper, for once. That one was weird. I don’t know why people want to hoard toilet paper. But then they start to also hoard food and soap and hand sanitizer. Apparently a guy bought 10,000 bottles of hand sanitizer. That is super weird and insensitive. Why would you even need 10,000 bottles of hand sanitizer?

But there’s good things happening too. There’s a video online that’s basically just a bunch of Italians, singing from their balconies because they can’t go outside. There’s also news about how people are donating things to the communities impacted by the COVID-19. And the little things, like people offering to do stuff like grocery shopping for the people most at risk. This COVID-19 also shows how deeply rooted capitalism is, and this made a lot of people to start to notice how capitalism is not an inherent part of human nature.

There’s this thread online about how the COVID-19 is like a trial run for climate change, which, I sort of agreed. Governments stopped for COVID-19. They change their behaviors and stuff. They could have done that for climate change too, but they don’t, because climate change does not really affect them as a person. I guess that’s too general, but COVID-19, a virus, can literally hit even the most powerful person on earth. It has hit famous actors and athletes. It has hit the prime minister of Canada. They see it happening and they know that it can hit them too. So they act. While for climate change, they see it happening but they don’t care because it doesn’t affect them. They are not the ones starving because of climate change. They are not the ones having to relocate again and again because of climate change.

Someone online (and don’t you see a pattern about how I’m taking information online?) wrote about how most young people are so nonchalant about this disease. And in part, I guess it’s because of how the risk for younger people are lower, but also because the younger people have been fighting against imminent end of the world for years now. We know that the world would die if we continue to act the same. This is just another part of it.

Anyways, I thought that even though universities are closing, residences would not. At least not my residence because my university has a lot of international students. But a couple of days in, my dining hall started to only offer take out meals, and I had a sudden realization that this is going to get worse. So I called my parents and asked them whether or not I should go home. I really do not want to be stranded on a country, thousands of miles across from my own country where I have no family. I called them, I booked the ticket (while arguing with my father because he doesn’t think I should), and then started packing. I booked the ticket on Tuesday for a flight home on Wednesday, so I literally only have hours to pack my entire room. I went to grocery stores to ask for cardboard boxes to put my stuff in, and ended up taking one from the dumpster because none of their cardboard boxes are big enough. I arranged for a storage company to come pick up my stuff, but because everything is very short notice, I couldn’t get them to come when I’m still there, so I had to ask my friend to hold it for me until the storage company can come pick up. And then, on the afternoon, there’s an email saying that residences will be closed on Saturday. Wasn’t it lucky that I had booked a flight home before hand?

Oh, and even throughout this, people are still dissing Indonesian government’s ability to handle the crisis. My friends, who are also Indonesian, talk against going home because they don’t trust the Indonesian health care system. Bitch, I also don’t trust the Canadian health care system, and there are more cases in Canada anyways. So they decided not to go home, but then residences started to close and then I had no idea whether they all decide to go home or not. But for the most part, they had families in Canada, and some of them had families in the US. So I guess they could go there. I’m still offended about them not trusting the Indonesian health care system though. What is it about people and not trusting Indonesia? They are Indonesian citizens. It’s people like them who made Indonesia stuck in this weird limbo of being a developing country. And don’t even mention people from Malaysia and Singapore, and how they look down on Indonesia. But that’s another rant that I will maybe write with better sources.

Anyways, so I packed my entire life in two suitcases, a duffle bag, a backpack, and three boxes in the span of several hours. Then emailed my profs because I have two (TWO!) midterms in the days that I will be traveling. Thankfully they are very accommodating. I started my 20+ hours of flight, plus and additional 10 hours on transit.

It’s super weird to be in a flight with people all panicking about the COVID-19. I saw people wiping every single surface down with wet wipes before the flight. They double on masks and wear goggles. Some even wore hazmat suits. As for me, I know that I shouldn’t touch my face, so what I do is I wore make-up. Normally I don’t wear make-up on a daily basis, but if I had eyeliner on, I’m not going to touch my eyes for fear of smudging that off. Same with lipstick. That worked for me, including in the hours of flight that I went through. I also wash my hands plenty, until my skin felt like they’re cracking off because of how dry they are.

In airports, there are officials who checked everyone’s temperature with the laser thermometer. And in one of the flights everyone had to wear a mask. That was such a weird experience. And then there are forms I had to fill when I land, specifying where I had been and where. All of this experience is so surreal.

And then I got home, and my dad started to tell me to go shower, yada yada. Then he put all my stuff out in the sun, and told me that I shouldn’t meet with my grandmother for a while. All of which I know. And then he started JOKING. HE STARTED JOKING. He jokes about how I shouldn’t be allowed to come into his room, and how after I touch something then other people shouldn’t touch it. Like, that’s the hill you wanted to die on? THAT? I’m super pissed. I am perfectly aware that I should self-quarantine for 14 days, but that’s not how you go about doing it, FATHER. That’s just plain rude.

It’s like he doesn’t even want me back home. Like how I should have just stayed in Canada. Fuck you, Father. Fuck you very much. If you don’t want me home, then you should have said before I fucking book the tickets. Now I’m just swearing, but fuck you very, very, very much, Father.

And that ends my rant about this whole COVID-19 situation for now. It’s 5 whole pages of unorganized ranting. Let’s see how much of this rant I would have in the next couple of days.

Peace out, Huilian

#covid-19 #lian writes #rant

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the-darklings · 6 years ago

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[thank you for the 4k!];

Wow. I always feel such a deep sense of shock whenever I have to make one of these posts. These last few months have been crazy to put it simply, and with fewer fics and my changing interests, I never expected so many of you to stick around and actually follow this blog. I’m so lucky to have so many of you with me, and I’m incredibly grateful for each and every one of you. Your support is always overwhelming and even though I’m terrible at keeping on top of everything, please know that I am immensely grateful for each and every like/comment/reblog/message on my fics.

So in order to celebrate this amazing milestone, and to bring the more active flow of fics on this blog, I’m officially bringing back the nightly drabbles. My DBH followers will be more familiar with these but essentially over the span of this month, I’m challenging myself to write 22 drabbles based on this prompt list.

So what can you expect:

semi-daily drabbles (usually around 1k give or take)

fandoms: DBH (rejoice~), RDR2, and Marvel (yes, to all of you who have been asking me/eagerly waiting for me to write for Marvel, it’s finally happening. I’m going to be using this celebration as a stepping stone/testing of waters so to speak)

ideally, I want to do/finish these throughout February but it might take me slightly longer

drabbles will not be split equally (5 for dbh, 5 for rdr etc) because I will write each drabble depending on what character that particular prompt reminds me of/inspires me. Some characters that are expected to make an appearance, however: Connor, Nines, Arthur Morgan, Bucky, Loki etc.

please feel free to leave any other suggestions for this celebration because I would be happy to hear your thoughts.

And finally, under the cut, I'm taking a chance to gush about some awesome friends I have made on this hellsite. So thank you, once again, to all of you for supporting me and reading my stories in ‘18/’19. You’re all incredible! <33

Firstly, to my friends:

@ilikecheesecakeforbreakfast oh man...where do I even start with you, Ali? My good soldier, I’ve never expected to meet someone as awesome and funny on this hellsite but here we are months later and I’m so grateful to have met you. Thank you for putting up with my mood swings, whining, and all the good and bad in between. Thank you for your art, thank you for staying up with me till 5am to talk about trashy ships, and crying over Arthur Morgan. Here’s to making this piggie our this year, pal! *jets down*

@drmsqnc Vina. My sweet, sweet angel. You’re one of my oldest friends on here and I appreciate you so much. I love the fact that sometimes we can go days (even weeks) without chatting but then we can crash into each other’s DMs and it’s never awkward. Your writing skills honestly blow my mind; your fics are so atmospheric and prose lyrical, I’m pretty sure you’re not human most days. Your blog?? Aesthetics goals and just ahhh, you’re amazing!

@deviantramblings Laurennnn. I’m so happy I got to know you better over these last few months. You’re an amazing person with so much talent it blows my mind. I’m glad to chat with you because you’re always so open-minded, and I respect you so much as a person who is passionate about so many things, and always SO supportive. You make me smile a lot, so thank you for being here for me <33

@malanoches Angel. You’re an amazing, brave, incredibly talented person. I told you before how much I appreciate your presence in my life and how much more aware you make me of certain issues now. I admire your passion, I admire your wild spirit that burns so bright I’m in awe of it. Your writing is a blessing to this hellsite so thank you for working so hard on it. I’m glad to call you friend. <33

@sunstrain Oh Bai. Hi. You’re the new addition to this list but I’m honestly so damn grateful I stumbled upon your fic that day. You’re so talented, so funny, and just overall a wonderful person. You’re a beautiful individual both inside and out, and I’m glad so glad to call you my friend. Your tags are always so funny, so thank you for making me laugh with them at the most inappropriate times.

@connorshero Sadie, oh my sweet Sadie. I know you think you’re mean but honestly?? You’re one of the nicest people I have ever interacted with on this hellsite. Your sweet messages always brighten my day and I love seeing you on my dash. Your writing? Honestly, you could be writing about rocks and I would still love and enjoy it. Never stop sharing your talent with us, please. Love ya bean!

@thedragonkween Oh, Angie...the true Queen of aesthetics and amazing writing. You’re so talented and such a kindhearted person, seeing you on my dash always makes me laugh. Also, I kin your tags more than I would care to admit because they are just that good. You’re amazing and it’s always nice to have another European gal around <33

@hades-ii Yue. I didn’t think so much talent could fit into one person tbh. Amazing writing, incredible and unique ideas AND brilliant and graphic design?? You blow my mind honestly. Your blog is so gorgeous it makes me cry, and you’re an overall incredible person. I can’t wait for the Grisha show so we both can cry over the Darkling together.

Secondly, to some of the most amazing followers who I always see sneaking into my notifications (or leaving me supportive messages, or mutuals who I don’t talk to as much). I’m so sorry if I forget to mention you, trust me, I’ll probably see your name later, and go ‘oh crap, forgot them’ but honestly?? I could tag you all even though that would take me a while:

@moonlace @dragonfruitdingus @supernatralysupernatural @teigra @rosesaregayy @but-who-saves-you @glitterlizardstuff @esylveon @seasalt-seaweed-goddess @coolmaybelateruniverse @coffeeandmusicinthemorning @sophiealivy68 @geronimo-11 @mynahx3 @negotiator-on-site @wrinkledparchment @blue--blushes @marvelousmorales @thirium-ink @dbh-connor-rk800 @shadows-echoes @deviancy-wasteland @maiden-of-gondor @the-kryomancer @lavenderstages @writinginstability @winterofherdiscontent @littlexmissxmischief @pandemoniumambassador @mywinterivy @dis-weird-girl-over-here @sadroomba @super-flamin-hot-cheetos @idacecyliajadwiga @tropfenlady @fusrobruh @honest-good @negative-blackbird @icecoldsoul1987 @hey-there-cowboy @delightfully-anonymous

#thank you times a MILLION honestly #you guys are incredible <33 #kat speaks #4k celebration

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pensurfing · 5 years ago

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Life Update(?) | What Is A “Job”?

**I can’t say I have a blog if I didn’t occasionally post things happening in my everyday life. Or even my thoughts for the matter.

Plus, I would like to think that’s what the nice 50~60 something of you here follows me for (and others from other platforms who read these posts when I share them.)**

I left the job that kept me afloat for two years for another job that only kept me for five days. So I currently don’t have income coming in and that makes me paranoid to the core.

I guess why I’m back on my blog needing to map out my thought process is so that way I can soon see where I was and where I need to go. Where I guess I need to back up is the two and a half year struggle getting hired by someone and then that will help me (and you, whoever decides to skim this). Additionally, it’ll also explain why emotionally I am not here for Inktober anymore. It was a cute thought last month when I had time.

Let’s talk about the household:

In the black community, it is unmistaken that unless you have a job that brings income to the house you stay in you are considered useless. As harsh as it is, it is prominent in an abundance of black households, especially in lower-income households. Click here to read a very mapped out explanation of ‘why this is as common as it is’ post by Brenton Mock. This is the statistics and history of why it’s a common thing and why kids (now young adults) who grew up in the same neighborhoods can sing the same song. Now mix this in with a generation of parents who guilted their children their entire lives with ‘I’m the reason you’re alive today and you should be on your knees thanking me’, it’s no wonder you have black teens with depression and this is just a small stem of where it originates.

(See here about feeling like your life is one big IOU by Arah Iloabugichukwu)

(See here about black teen and young adult suicide rates) And this link (at the time I posted it) is only H O U R S old.

I posted these links here because: If you’re a black young adult like me, or even a teen, articles like these made me feel less alone in the world. It broke down “why I can’t seem to catch a break AND why I can’t seem to talk to my mother about it.” If I was depressed, I better go depress dem dishes and think about how lucky I am to have a roof over my head. I wasn’t allowed to have other emotions besides gratefulness and contentment. Those were ‘white’ emotions my house couldn’t afford. I wasn’t dying or being abused (at the time) so I had nothing to complain about, doing so made me “ungrateful” and selfish and having a good point in any “argument” (really discussion) was “disrespectful”. It also made communication nonexistent. It’s easier to just bottle it up than express your feelings and have it gaslit as something off-topic. See here for toxic parental traits and how to help yourself set boundaries.

So now with all this provided to give a drop of retrospect to the home mentality of having a job, it’s a bit clearer as to why I’ve felt so useless and worthless the past couple of weeks. (A week and two days, but I swear it’s been two months with how time works now.) I’m not working at someone’s establishment and that has, therefore, made me the most worthless piece of filth. (God why am I still mean to me? Jesus.)

A bit over two years ago, I had to leave the retail job I held at the time because they told me and I quote: “You need to pick between your degree and job.” So I left. They even asked me in a somewhat “exit interview” was my two-week notice a joke? (Insert “I left them like it was funny” joke here.) Since getting hired by a company has been a long-held struggle I don’t like to admit to myself. Or even talk about it. So now I’m writing about it instead. I struggled to find another company that will allow me to put art as my second option. I’ve learned that it’s best to not let jobs know about your hobbies, interests, or dreams like they ask you in the interview. You can and will be let go because of them. And so far, letting my employers know I have dreams outside of selling their soaps and lotions, or just being the smiling face at the door or a hotel isn’t what I want to do for the rest of my life has cost me. I had dog walking with an app service that I stuck with for a couple years, but in recent months, seeing them changes their terms and agreements for walkers and cutting pay 40 - 60% isn’t something I can standby and agree to. I left for another job, and because they found this out, the found reasons to let me go. And they did.

So back to the present:

So I’ve been at home. What does it feel like to be let go?

In the beginning, shit. It felt like absolute shit. I questioned what I did wrong, what didn’t I see; I then saw flaws in both the job and people as well. I saw how I just drew the short straw in what happens when an employer hires too many. I was broken a bit because now I’m left wondering; where is money going to come from now? How can I eat? When will I be able to draw again if I don’t have a job to support at least paying for the program(s) I use? (F*%# Adobe Creative Cloud but that is an entirely different rant conversation.)

Then there came peace. (Short-lived because my mom wants me to see “family” but to be extremely blunt, I sure as hell don’t want to see them.)

The peace came a few days later. I cleaned a bit more. Cooked food and had the time and energy to; I was able to clean my living spaces that I allowed to get very junkie very quickly. Now it’s just a matter of if I’m left alone entirely for another week and produce new pieces for my portfolio, would I be able to get more art work? For years, always needing to have a job otherwise I couldn’t pursue art has cost me more than help. Yeah, I can buy supplies and such. But because I couldn’t study and only did the bare minimum just so I can pass and have a degree. Now, I have a couple weeks to get something of my act together and draw some pieces so I can look for more illustration work and put that first. (If allowed, like in a prior link provided, with my mom it’s either “my way or the highway”. Becoming homeless is slowly not scaring me anymore because this threat is used so much now I’m numb to it.)

So this is the emotional ride I’ve had for like ten days. It’s been stressful. But also in a weird way, freeing. Hopefully, I’ll be left alone and will see my grandmother another time. Pray that I get a job that won’t hate me for being a boring clean slate.

[[TRD: I let go of a job and had one let go of me. All happened within a week's span. I write out why I think I’m in such a depression funk by evaluating the environment I have always been engulfed in, and trying to talk myself into wanting to make choices for me and not others.]]

#personal #black mental health #jobless #pensurfing

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