#it's weird i'm curious like a child about it. maybe i have mental problems that come from american media sexualizing any nudity

[hanzajesthanza]

~a vampire at dawn~

excuse the quick sketch, for this post is less about the art and more about the idea behind it... i have this headcanon from when geralt's company was trekking with the beekeepers through the wilderness:

although they were initially very grateful to have three meals a day prepared for them, they quickly got sick of having honeyed porridge served for all three of them. "Everything was sticky from the honey, even the young women." milva began to get nauseous at mealtimes, and cahir, usually ravenous at mealtimes as befits a strapping young lad such as he, even turned down a few bowls.

regis, however, was quite happy with it.

because, as is mentioned later in the book, about saovine traditions: "The spirits of the dead (...) should be given honey and groats, all sprinkled with vodka…" i imagine some confusing night where he went into a villager's hut to drink blood, but, it was around saovine, so they were even expecting someone like him to arrive and to even be looking for such a thing. prepared for such a situation, they handed him some kasza with honey. he didn't really know what to do with it, but they instructed him on how to eat... it was surprisingly pretty good, so he started pulling this on all the other villages, like hey i;m "undead" (whatever that means) do you have any "porridge" with "honey." yeah also put a little vodka on it while you're at it.

so honeyed groats turned out to be the first human food he ate, and over time, became like a comfort food to him. now he has it without the vodka though

[witchthewriter]

hello friend! hope you're having a good day today. it's been a while since i've asked for a matchup or anything so i thought i'd send over a refresher along w my ask, hope it helps.

ASK . level 6 ship for Merlin please (any maybe purely a platonic match for Stranger Things since you already gave me a romantic one??? if I can do that, no worries if not)

BASIC FAQ . he/they. panromantic. 18 still. pisces sun, aquarius moon, taurus rising. if you really want to know me, my saturn is in cancer, my uranus in pisces and my pluto in sagittarius.

PERSONALITY . by now, i think you know i don't actually shut up as soon as you get me talking, and for that i am at least kind of sorry. at least i'm academically smart? a menace by all means tho. may come off as a bit weird or cagey to strangers. escapist. middle child syndrome. stubborn. kinda clumsy. rlly empathetic. diplomatic and persuasive, but i know i have a temper at times. i am completely goofy, need to joke around and enjoy things. very curious.

HOBBIES + LIKES . really into cryptidcore. baking and cooking. writing. music. languages. cultures. trivia. history. mythology. fire. art. collecting objects, value or no value. games. animals. shiny things.

EXTRA . good news is that my knee injury was not permanent. bad news is that the mental illness was. my love language is mostly quality time but i also enjoy acts of service and physical touch. i love reading myths and legends and actually memorized quite a few. i totally didn't mention but i have a dog and a bunny! (both very cute)

i hope that's an adequate amount, i'm p sure at least half of it is new information. do with all that what you will.

Want one? Here be the rules 🦋🌈 

𝐌𝐞𝐫𝐥𝐢𝐧

𝑫𝒆𝒔𝒄𝒓𝒊𝒑𝒕𝒊𝒐𝒏

𝑰 𝒔𝒉𝒊𝒑 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒘𝒊𝒕𝒉 𝑴𝒆𝒓𝒍𝒊𝒏 𝒉𝒊𝒎𝒔𝒆𝒍𝒇! He’s such a sweet guy. He cares for everyone, and has such passion for justice. He would always be on your side and never make you feel like you’re on your own. 

𝑯𝒆𝒂𝒅𝒄𝒂𝒏𝒐𝒏𝒔

・Is suspicious that you may be a druid or sorcerer as well. Because you just have that aura about you, where you seem so mysterious and otherwordly

・Merlin loves your style, and is a bit intimidated by it at first. But that mysterious aspect of your personality is what attracts him

・Gives you protection amulets, even though Gaius is against it. It’s too risky, he would say. But Merlin feels so deeply about you, that he wants you to be safe at all times

・Guinevere would definitely see Merlin’s love first. She would push Merlin to ask you out, to get to know you. Because she would definitely see the potentional. 

・Calls you ‘honey’ and ‘sweetheart’ for pet names

𝑻𝒉𝒆𝒎𝒆 𝑺𝒐𝒏𝒈

O Children by the Midnite String Quartet

𝑹𝒆𝒍𝒂𝒕𝒊𝒐𝒏𝒔𝒉𝒊𝒑 𝑻𝒓𝒐𝒑𝒆𝒔

・Opposites Attract

・Falls In Love Easily (Merlin) x Wary Of Love (You)

・Black Cat (You) x Golden Retriever (Merlin)

𝑷𝒍𝒐𝒕 𝑻𝒓𝒐𝒑𝒆

Secret Admirer

𝑻𝒉𝒆𝒊𝒓 𝒇𝒂𝒗𝒐𝒖𝒓𝒊𝒕𝒆 𝒕𝒉𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒂𝒃𝒐𝒖𝒕 𝒚𝒐𝒖

Loves how quirky/weird you are. You aren’t like anyone he had ever met before. He loves how your mind works, how you perceive things and what your opinions are. He wants to listen to you tlak for hours. 

𝒀𝒐𝒖𝒓 𝒃𝒆𝒔𝒕 𝒇𝒓𝒊𝒆𝒏𝒅

Gwaine and Percival! They would be like your brothers. Where Gwaine makes you laugh, Percival is a shoulder for you to cry on or tell your problems to. They’re both very loyal and you would be known as a trio. 

𝑾𝒉𝒊𝒄𝒉 𝒄𝒉𝒂𝒓𝒂𝒄𝒕𝒆𝒓 𝒚𝒐𝒖'𝒓𝒆 𝒎𝒐𝒔𝒕 𝒍𝒊𝒌𝒆

Guinevere, Lancelot and Morgana. I think you have the qualities of all three. Not one person is exactly like a character, so I think the mixture of all three can mirror your traits, or at least, some of them. 

𝒀𝒐𝒖𝒓 𝒑𝒆𝒕

𝐒𝐭𝐫𝐚𝐧𝐠𝐞𝐫 𝐓𝐡𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐬 (𝐏𝐥𝐚𝐭𝐨𝐧𝐢𝐜)

𝑫𝒆𝒔𝒄𝒓𝒊𝒑𝒕𝒊𝒐𝒏

𝑰 𝒑𝒍𝒂𝒕𝒐𝒏𝒊𝒄𝒂𝒍𝒍𝒚 𝒔𝒉𝒊𝒑 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒘𝒊𝒕𝒉 𝑹𝒐𝒃𝒊𝒏 𝑩𝒖𝒄𝒌𝒍𝒆𝒚! You guys are on the same wavelength, the same page. You would start talking and like a puzzle piece, realise that this is your person. You would get along because your minds are open, they’re unique and imaginative. You don’t have a small-town mind. Neither does she. 

𝑯𝒆𝒂𝒅𝒄𝒂𝒏𝒐𝒏𝒔

・Likes painting your nails. She doesn’t do a great job though, however you don’t really care

・You guys are allllwwwaayyysssss laughing!!! At Robin falling over, if you accidentally snort, if she farts or you knock something over. Like you’ve both been given laughing gas

・Secret sleepovers. Her parents don’t know she’s a lesbian and you guys are definitely not attracted to each other, but you’ll sneak into her bedroom or maybe even her parents let you sleep downstairs in the den, and she sneaks down to sleep near you

・Movie marathons! You guys spend hours watching movies together; popcorn, everything has to be dark, absolutely no light at all. 

・Steve loves hanging out with you two, but often feels like a third wheel. I think over time he would find his flow and purpose with you two

𝑻𝒉𝒆𝒎𝒆 𝑺𝒐𝒏𝒈

Chiquitita by ABBA

𝑹𝒆𝒍𝒂𝒕𝒊𝒐𝒏𝒔𝒉𝒊𝒑 𝑻𝒓𝒐𝒑𝒆𝒔

・Chaotic Dumbass Duo

・Similar Personalities

・”If Robin Jumped Off A Cliff, Would You Jump Off A Cliff?” x “Yes”

𝑷𝒍𝒐𝒕 𝑻𝒓𝒐𝒑𝒆

Just Because I’m Different Doesn’t Mean I’m Bad

𝑻𝒉𝒆𝒊𝒓 𝒇𝒂𝒗𝒐𝒖𝒓𝒊𝒕𝒆 𝒕𝒉𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒂𝒃𝒐𝒖𝒕 𝒚𝒐𝒖

Your open mind, the fact that you like being different and weird. She thought there was something wrong with her for so long, but there was nothing wrong. Tradition wasn’t for her. 

𝑾𝒉𝒊𝒄𝒉 𝒄𝒉𝒂𝒓𝒂𝒄𝒕𝒆𝒓 𝒚𝒐𝒖'𝒓𝒆 𝒎𝒐𝒔𝒕 𝒍𝒊𝒌𝒆

Robin mixed with Max and Jonathan Byers. You have a sensitivity and inner working that not many others have. It’s distinct, and you leave a mark on whoever you interact with. 

𝒀𝒐𝒖𝒓 𝒑𝒆𝒕

I think you would have such a great bond with a cat. You both like to be independent and don’t like people up in your face. So I think a kitty would work so well for you! 

𝐋𝐨𝐫𝐝 𝐨𝐟 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐑𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐬

𝑫𝒆𝒔𝒄𝒓𝒊𝒑𝒕𝒊𝒐𝒏

𝑰 𝒔𝒉𝒊𝒑 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒘𝒊𝒕𝒉 𝑭𝒂𝒓𝒂𝒎𝒊𝒓! I think he has the sensitivity to understand you and why you feel certain emotions. I don’t think you would be able to withstand someone who didn’t understand you. 

𝑯𝒆𝒂𝒅𝒄𝒂𝒏𝒐𝒏𝒔

・Will defend you against anyone who speaks ill of you. No matter their standing, if they are talking sh*t, he’s going to break their jaw

・Teaches you how to defend yourself, because even though he would lay down his life for you, he wouldn’t want you to be unprotected

・His pet names for you are ‘my darling,’ and ‘my world.’ 

・Likes to telling you about his day, and you love hearing him talk. It’s so soothing. 

・Loves slow dancing with you, your head on his chest and him humming lightly

𝑻𝒉𝒆𝒎𝒆 𝑺𝒐𝒏𝒈

The Less I Know The Better by the Midnite String Quartet

𝑹𝒆𝒍𝒂𝒕𝒊𝒐𝒏𝒔𝒉𝒊𝒑 𝑻𝒓𝒐𝒑𝒆𝒔

・Mutual Yearning

・You Confessed Your Love Thinking He Was Unconscious 

・They Probably Hate Me (You) x Deeply, Passionately In Love ... Is Terrible At Showing It (Faramir)

𝑷𝒍𝒐𝒕 𝑻𝒓𝒐𝒑𝒆

Fantasy Soulmates

𝑻𝒉𝒆𝒊𝒓 𝒇𝒂𝒗𝒐𝒖𝒓𝒊𝒕𝒆 𝒕𝒉𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒂𝒃𝒐𝒖𝒕 𝒚𝒐𝒖

How diplomatic and well spoken/well thought you are. You don’t say things without thinking first. You’re like the opposite of someone who stirs the pot. You have a good heart, and that’s what he loves the most. 

𝒀𝒐𝒖𝒓 𝒃𝒆𝒔𝒕 𝒇𝒓𝒊𝒆𝒏𝒅

Legolas and Gimli! God you three would be such a whirwind of sh*ttalking. Imagine having a beer with them, in a tavern, laughing and jesting about life and what you’ve endured together. 

𝑾𝒉𝒊𝒄𝒉 𝒄𝒉𝒂𝒓𝒂𝒄𝒕𝒆𝒓 𝒚𝒐𝒖'𝒓𝒆 𝒎𝒐𝒔𝒕 𝒍𝒊𝒌𝒆

A mixture of Aragorn, Merry and Samwise. I think you have this grungey darkness, I actually thought you would have Scorpio in your Big 3. You have this mysteriousness about you, like there’s something that you know about the world and everyone will find out with time. 

𝒀𝒐𝒖𝒓 𝒑𝒆𝒕

You made friends with a crow. He kept coming back to you, and you would give him food and water. You were gentle with him and would talk to him. He grew very fond of you. And somehow ... became somewhat domesticated. Although you would never take away his freedom

𝐓𝐡𝐞 𝐌𝐚𝐳𝐞 𝐑𝐮𝐧𝐧𝐞𝐫

𝑫𝒆𝒔𝒄𝒓𝒊𝒑𝒕𝒊𝒐𝒏

𝑰 𝒔𝒉𝒊𝒑 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒘𝒊𝒕𝒉 𝑵𝒆𝒘𝒕! As an introverted person, I see Newt as the perfect Hufflepuff. He’s loyal, and caring, loves plants and would be a perfect match for you. Yin to your Yang. He would bring a lot of light and happiness to your life. 

𝑯𝒆𝒂𝒅𝒄𝒂𝒏𝒐𝒏𝒔

・Boops your nose when you’re particularly upset. At first you were like “Newt wtf” but now you like them. It’s almost like a kiss on the cheek, or some intimate moment that shows he cares

・I kinda feel like one of the other characters would have a crush on you and the boys would tease them for it, but you handle it with gentleness. Newt is a tiny bit jealous, but knows that you’re a very likeable person

・Always make sure that Newt’s leg is okay. Some days it plays up, and it hurts really bad. It means a lot to him when you help him out, and get things to help with the pain

・You guys have a lot of inside jokes. But one thing that’s so true to your relationship is this ... look  ... you give each other. It’s a knowing look that says ‘be safe, I love you.’ 

・Newt would love to be domesticated. He would make the perfect House Husband. LITERALLY. I reckon he’d be pretty good at baking too

𝑻𝒉𝒆𝒎𝒆 𝑺𝒐𝒏𝒈

Hope For The Future by Joseph Trapanese

𝑹𝒆𝒍𝒂𝒕𝒊𝒐𝒏𝒔𝒉𝒊𝒑 𝑻𝒓𝒐𝒑𝒆𝒔

・Sun x Moon

・Forever In Their Honeymoon Stage

・Shy ‘n’ Awkward (You) x LOOK HOW CUTE MY PARTNER IS (Newt)

𝑷𝒍𝒐𝒕 𝑻𝒓𝒐𝒑𝒆

Love During The End Of The World

𝑻𝒉𝒆𝒊𝒓 𝒇𝒂𝒗𝒐𝒖𝒓𝒊𝒕𝒆 𝒕𝒉𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒂𝒃𝒐𝒖𝒕 𝒚𝒐𝒖

Your honesty. You’re truthful and that’s not actually as common as you’d think. People can be awful, and lie until they’re blue in the face if that meant their reputation was upheld. But I think you would rather the truth over any falsehood. 

𝒀𝒐𝒖𝒓 𝒃𝒆𝒔𝒕 𝒇𝒓𝒊𝒆𝒏𝒅

Minho. You two would have so many little arguments, that aren’t really arguments. Just pretend fights, and a lot of banter. There’s never a dull moment with you two. 

𝑾𝒉𝒊𝒄𝒉 𝒄𝒉𝒂𝒓𝒂𝒄𝒕𝒆𝒓 𝒚𝒐𝒖'𝒓𝒆 𝒎𝒐𝒔𝒕 𝒍𝒊𝒌𝒆

A mix of Minho, Teresa and Newt. Sassy, fierce and caring. You have a big heart but don’t show it to just anyone. You’re kind but can stand up for what you believe in. 

𝒀𝒐𝒖𝒓 𝒑𝒆𝒕

There would most definitely be stray animals in the world during this time. Some have survived and have no owners. I can see you two adopting as many as you can, taking in strays and making sure they have enough food and water. But one particularly stole your heart, with her light brown fur and big nose. 

[helioleti]

I've been rewatching ATLA several times lately and this time I especially ended up wondering a lot about Iroh and Ozai's past and characters in general. I just can't help but think it weird that Ozai is the ultimate trashbag of a humanbeing while Iroh ended up preaching harmony and peace. It just doesn't make any sense. These guys are brothers. They were brought up by the same parents, in the same fascist imperialistic nation, they were taught the same values growing up. You're trying to tell me the difference is that Iroh was destined to be the person he eventually came to be, but Ozai was just born evil? No, I don't think so.

I have two hot takes that I'm gonna elaborate:

1. Iroh had a guidance Ozai lacked

2. Ozai was the less favored son

(Disclaimer: I haven't read the comics yet so I don't know how deep they've already gone into this subject at some point. I'm trying to interpret and analyze the stuff that I got from the animated series only. If anything I say contradicts what has already been confirmed in the comics, feel free to correct me.)

Hear me out. Iroh wasn't born a saint. Everyone is aware of this, especially Iroh himself. He laid siege to Ba Sing Se for 2 years, costing the Fire Nation and Earth Kingdom thousands of lives. Everyone knew that if the Fire Nation took over the capital, it meant almost ultimate victory for the Fire Nation. He even went as far as making a offhand sadistic jokes about burning the city to the ground in that letter to Zuko and Azula.

Iroh acknowledges it himself; He was a different man.

So what changed?

Yes, his son died. It broke and shattered him from the inside, making him drop all efforts to continue fighting in the war. To continue what had been his lifelong ambition, what he believed to be his destiny. He had a literal vision about taking over Ba Sing Se when he was a child, and that had been what he'd been pursuing ever since. But the death of his son managed to crumble all of that into nothingness. How is that possible?

Don't get me wrong. I think it's completely valid. I just don't understand how Lu Ten and Iroh could've had such a loving and caring relationship in the first place, when that's clearly something unusual among the royal family. Ozai burned and banished Zuko without a second thought, not to mention all the other shit he did to him growing up. Ozai didn't give two shits about Azula either, he only ever intended to use her as his weapon. Doesn't seem too surprising, if you ask me. Azulon didn't hesitate to demand that Ozai kill his own son if he wanted the throne. That's the man that raised Ozai, so it's just logical that Ozai learned that behavior and those values from his own father.

Even 9 year old Azula thinks it laughable that Iroh would fall apart at the death of his son. She is a child and this is how she thinks. The reason Zuko doesn't think like this is because he's had the guidance of his mother, unlike Azula. This is the kind of mentality these kids grow up with. They grew up with war and so did Iroh and Ozai.

So why was Iroh's relationship with Lu Ten so different? Where did Iroh experience the kind of compassion and love he passed on to his own son, that Ozai definitely didn't? People act on how they've come to learn, so where did Iroh learn to care about his son to a point that it made him give up on his lifelong ambition?

Let's review a very crucial information we have on Iroh and Ozai as siblings: They have a huge age gap.

Frankly, I'm guessing about 10-20 years. Looks more like 20 to me, but that could also be Iroh's greater amount of endured pain and war making him look older than he actually is. But no one can deny that an age gap is definitely there. Which can also indicate they had different upbringings, despite having grown up in the same family as brothers.

What does this mean? Well, that's just me theorizing now, but I can definitely imagine that Iroh had someone, a family member maybe, there for him who wasn't around or didn't care to be when Ozai grew up. There must've been someone there who gave Iroh emotional security and guidance throughout his upbringing. Who? That's up to imagination. A friend of the family? A friendly uncle? His own mother ((or father))? (The last two things worked out for Zuko in the end, didn't they?) Otherwise I can't really explain myself why Iroh had enough values to love the way he loved Lu Ten, while Ozai clearly didn't give two fucks about his children at any point in his life.

Iroh was the firstborn son, the one who had a vision very early in his life that his destiny was to take over Ba Sing Se. Probably the one who got to have a family member care about him enough to show him how to love.

(I like to point this out a lot because I find it very interesting, and very significant. Please A:TLA give us more info on Iroh's past!!)

Which brings me to my second take: Ozai was the less favored son.

Iroh was clearly a son to be proud of. He was a master firebender, the "Dragon of the West", if you will. He apparently had a vision as a boy that he'd conquer the most "impenetrable city" in the world. He probably lived up to his parent's expectations for his whole life, especially having no sibling to be compared to for a significant part of his life. He broke through the outter wall of Ba Sing Se during his siege. Yada yada yada, you get my point. He's the best son they could've wished for.

And Ozai? As far as I know, he barely even has any military achievements. Taking over Ba Sing Se was Azula's doing. While Iroh laid siege to the capital, he was at home chilling in the palace. He's the younger brother to an established hero and was never meant to be firelord. Now, I haven't read the comics for more info on Ozai's biography, but this man barely had a chance to live up to his parent's standards with Iroh as an older brother. If my theory is correct, Ozai also didn't have any person to provide him emotional guidance throughout his life. (*cough* like Azula)

The logical outcome is: infinite jealousy.

And when Ozai suggests to Azulon that he revoke Iroh's birthright to become firelord, this is Azulon's answer:

Azulon doesn't even hesitate to call Ozai out on his bullshit. He doesn't hesitate to take offense at the suggestion of betraying Iroh, and he even seems to care about Iroh's suffering. Not to mention that Azulon is overall annoyed with Ozai's request for an audience and sends the rest of Ozai's family away as soon as he can, to get whatever it is Ozai wants over with.

I could also mention the fact that Ozai tried to impress Azulon with his daughter's skills (Azula, even named after him) and the overall strained relationship these two seem to exhibit. It's obviously very different from Azulon's relationship with Iroh, if the way he talks about said man is anything to show for.

What if Azulon treated Ozai the same way Ozai treated Zuko? (Probably without the physical abuse, but you get my point.) What if this is where Ozai learned to treat a "useless" kid like shit, maybe also in a way to cope with how he was treated himself?

Getting deeper into the fact that Ozai is rather a loser compared to Iroh, without any big military achievements and without value for anything beyond that, this also explains a lot about Ozai's constant need to establish his dominance.

First; Becoming Firelord through radical manners (you know, killing his own son or killing his own father)

Second; Publicly burning and banishing his own son whom he considers a weakling, who dared to speak up in his war room. Doing this to have everyone know that he doesn't associate himself with weakness and that he will not ever tolerate any form of disrespect.

Third; The whole Phoenix King act. No one can tell me this isn't a madman's doing. This is literally to show off that he is the most powerful person in the world.

Ozai is so obsessed with proving himself and his superiority to everyone, including himself and probably Iroh too. This makes most sense if we consider that he probably lived in his brother's shadow for his whole life, ignored by probably every guiding figure he's ever had in his life, maybe even considered a laughingstock by his own father.

Perhaps this is also the reason Ozai didn't have any problem with Iroh accompanying Zuko in banishment. His brother, the hero in whose shadow he grew up, and his son, the failure he'd wanted out of the way for a long time already. It would erase Iroh's image that made him superior to him, once and for all. For himself and the world. I believe that branding him a traitor was the biggest satisfaction Ozai had ever experienced in his life.

I absolutely despise Ozai with every fibre of my heart, but it amazes me how ATLA continues to leave so much room for interpretation and explanation for a character as despicable as him. Writing this, even had me feel sympathy for him at some point. Feel free to disagree with me or add anything, I'm eager to hear everyone's thoughts about Ozai and Iroh's backstories because I'm geniuinely very curious.

[ooops-i-arted]

(No spoilers here since I'm sure you haven't watched Ch14 att of this ask) But what did you think of S2E6 from a child development/Din's Dad skill's perspective?

One of the most interesting things to me is that we’re starting to get hints that Grogu is more developed than previously indicated, possibly more like a preschooler than a toddler.  It’s been mentioned that he’s been “trained” (although we don’t know what that entails yet*) and Gideon, interestingly, talks directly to Grogu like a person who is capable of understanding him.  The only other people who have really done this are Din (his caretaker) and Ahsoka (who is able to communicate with him via the Force).  Does Gideon know something we don’t about Grogu/his species/his development?  Or was he just desperate to monologue at someone and Grogu was his only available victim?

*Very curious what this “training” consists of.  It’s honestly borderline age-inappropriate to have formal lessons like you usually think of having at school at such a young age; children learn through play.  Meditation I can see, especially as a self-soothing or calm down tool that would be vital for children that can potentially kill you with their mind, but I wonder what else Grogu was taught at the Temple.  Maybe we’ll get more clarification when we find out exactly what he was trying to do at the seeing stone.

Anyway wasn’t that opening cockpit scene the cutest???  What a far cry from their first few scenes, where Din wouldn’t let the baby play with the orb or the buttons.  They’ve really gotten so close and comfortable with each other; no wonder Grogu doesn’t want to leave his daddy!  (Also Din has leveled up that Dad Voice; contrast “give me the ball” with “you stay right here, you stay, don’t move.”)  Also I loved Din narrating everything he was doing and thinking.  I model for my students like this all the time.  Din seems to have realized the importance of explaining things to the kid and even craves the connection and communication.  I really felt like while Din doesn’t want to give Grogu up at all, he would rather do what he believes is best for his child, rather than selfishly keep him, but he doesn’t want Grogu to feel abandoned or that Din doesn’t care about him.  So even though he’s not good at explaining that, he tries.  And Grogu in turn seems reluctant to do Jedi Stuff, knowing it will lead to Leaving Dad, but still does it anyway because Din wants him to, and kids want to please adults they care about.  Anything for that sweet, sweet positive reinforcement and praise (which Din gives).

Also maybe it’s just me, but something about the way Din said “I can’t train you” just gave me the vibe that maybe he’d thought about it?  Desperately Space Googled anything on the Holonet about How To Train Your Weird Green Magic Kid to see if maybe he could do it and find a way to keep him AND give Grogu the best education possible?  But ended up still resolving that he was gonna do what was truly best for the kid, even if it wasn’t what Din wanted for himself.  Cuz HE LOVES HIS SON SO MUCH.  Many Dad Points gained.

I also loved that Din does not know a single gotdamned thing about the Jedi, but STILL tries to help his son be The Best Jedi Ever by attempting to find a switch or something to help him do Whatever Jedi Stuff He Is Supposed To Be Doing, continuing his trend of being a proud coach from the sidelines for his boy.

Also this is 100% true to life, my students can confirm, one of them does this CONSTANTLY: Din:  okay I need you to do the thing Grogu: *does not do the thing, delays as long as possible* Din:  okay nevermind don’t do the thing it’s time to go on to the next thing Grogu: *immediately does what he was asked*

Which again is “defiance to regain control of the situation” behavior.  I mentioned that last time and I think it’s the same deal - Grogu feels out of control of what’s going on in his life, but it’s safe to act out with Din because he knows Din will not harm him.  So he does as opposed to shutting down.

But of course then he gets kidnapped, which has to be completely and utterly terrifying.  He’s been safe for a while now, with a caretaker who looks after him and makes all the bad and scary things go away.  The last thing he saw, he was safe with Dad.  But then he opens his eyes and there are bad scary droids all around who snatch him up and take him away from Dad!  Of course he is absolutely terrified!

We don’t see what happens between that and him in the cell.  But I’m guessing nothing good.  He’s back with things he associates with fear, violence, and death - stormtroopers and cold Imperial equipment - and he’s all alone.  Even if all that happens is getting dragged to his cell, that has to be overwhelmingly scary even for an adult, let alone a little one who isn’t emotionally mature enough to handle all that fear.

We also don’t know what started the violence we see at the end.  Grogu has not initiated violence onscreen so far; although it’s up to interpretation, even choking Cara was reactive imo (we see him looking scared before he does it, so I’ve always seen that scene as him misunderstanding and thinking Din was in danger).  Personally I’m inclined to think Gideon ordered the troopers to antagonize Grogu to see what he was capable of and to tire him out, but that’s pure speculation at this point.

Either way, this is the most violent we have seen Grogu so far.  Every other instance of Force use is purely practical, aimed to solve the problem at hand.  Mudhorn? Stop it from beating Dad.  Fireball? Push it away from my friends.  Greef’s injured?  Fix it up.  Even choking Cara is arguably just done to stop the “fight” Grogu perceives happening rather than make her suffer.  But these stormtroopers are being thrown, choked, tormented.  It’s not about keeping them away from him or protecting himself, it’s about hurting them.  So to slide over into Force commentary, imo that’s his first potential Dark Side slippage.  Because he’s acting out of fear and anger, not a desire to protect or solve a problem.

And as a general rule, kids don’t go instinctively for true violence.  They may hit and bite and stuff, but it’s a reactive thing to stop something they don’t like rather than truly wanting to hurt the other person.  So Grogu being that intentionally violent?  That’s bad, and not just from a Jedi perspective.  I worked with a very violent student a few years ago and that particular case was because of trauma/abuse in their past.  In Grogu’s case that’s possible, but I also think that for a long time he’s been normalizing violence.  I’m guessing he saw plenty even before Din got him, if he’s a Temple refugee (and has presumably received training about connecting to other Jedi) he possibly felt the death of thousands of other Jedi deeply through the Force, and ever since we’ve known him he has been exposed to LOTS of violence.  Even if Grogu is in his own mind/started out only trying to defend himself, he knows “the person I admire most in the entire galaxy would kill the fuck out of these guys, and then I would be safe, so maybe I should try that too.”  So not very good for Grogu’s psyche at all.  (Oh and on top of all of that, he presumably saw Gideon before, knows this man almost killed his daddy, and is now threatening him.  So a Scary Cherry on the Sundae of Fear.)

There’s a lot to chew on here and we’ll have to see where it goes - personally I hope Grogu can keep himself on the Light Side but I suspect he’s in grave danger right now, not just physically but emotionally and mentally as well.  And even if he gets out, the trauma would realistically have a lasting affect on him.  Din, hurry your butt up and get yourself more Dad Points!

[interestsofabookwormbitch]

Season 1 Episode 8

You know, I really shouldn't watch another episode right now. I have a 1500 word essay due tomorrow at midnight. But also like, that's feels so far away right now, and I just want to keep watching... so episode 8.

Ooh, Isobel narration.

Oh ew. Him.

Ok, but I actually really enjoyed her opening still.

Oh Max and Isobel's mom! Haven't seen her yet. She seems nice so far. Doesn't know about Isobel being in the hospital apparently.

Liz, as much as you don't want to talk about it, Kyle's gonna need an explanation.

Wait, why's she trying to get out now? I'm confused

Her angry letter is way more complex than any letter I've ever seen. Lmao. And you know, I've been trusting Kyle for so so long now, he's been great, but this little bit of information along with his look makes me nervous he'll mess up.

!?!? Alex what you doing? Ok, I get it, you're curious, but your dad is honestly probably the worst person to ask.

! Ok, did he deserve that hit? Yes. Does that make me worried about Alex? Also yes.

Ok, now onto talking with mom. She really didn't think that was weird? Cause I'd think that was strange. You know?

He in fact did not find it.

Kyle... can you maybe not. Oh shit he did! Ok fuck you! I was gonna mention Isobel seeming off, but not anymore. Kyle you can't just do that.

Michael and Maria. See now I'm worrying their gonna spin a relationship there. I would prefer just friends please. Thank you.

Ok, I like this though. Max and Michael I mean. They're talk. I mean, as curious as I am about the mark I'm more interested in seeing what this says about their characters. It's fairly obvious, but still. "You never want to talk about home" Michael feels out of place. He's never felt like this was home, we've seen this before too. He believes that where they come from is where he belongs in a way. Maybe it'd make him feel better. Not in such turmoil. "Roswell is home" is obviously Max's insistence that this is where they live, this is where they grew up and forger their lives. Anything before doesn't matter, this is all he knows so this is who they are. Before is just a reminder that it isn't quite so straightforward, so he doesn't talk about it.

There's so much they need to uncover about their history man, I don't think we're gonna get it all in season 1 either.

And now to find out about Issobel. This is gonna cause problems.

Oh, ok, not so much now that we know it was her doing. Fair enough. I take back my previous "fuck you" apologies to Kyle.

I don't know how I feel about this right now Alex. I am very worried for his mental well being right now.

Yeah, ok, so Isobel's powers aren't working, she's happy about it, Michael clearly is upset by it, and I'm very worried for what this will entail longterm.

Michael is getting mad at Liz, and I totally understand why, but also I can't really blame her. This is messy. I wouldn't call it revenge though. She did create it out of anger, but she wasn't even gonna keep it. That was Max. She wasn't gonna use it. That was Isobel.

Isobel is way too happy about this though. Something is definitely gonna go wrong.

Yeah, ok that went south very quickly. Isobel this is why we don't take drugs we don't know the side effects of.

They're gonna save her right? Like Isobel isn't gonna die here. That's too anticlimactic.

Ok, back to Alex and his very anxiety causing ways. Idk, maybe it's just from what Maria's mom said last time, but something feels off. I mean, yay to figuring things out, but also I don't feel like saying yay.

Ok, yeah, Liz is gonna have to create the antidote.

"He's not my child is he" fuck off. Like you actually care about your child when you would beat him and treated him like garbage.

"I want to destroy the thing you love and make you watch," sounds a little too villainous Alex, let's tone it down a little. Ok?

Aahgdj. And there's Michael. We love a good shocking reveal. Also terrorist activity really?

Liz what are you doing?

Ok, so she's trying. Thank God.

Oh this is really awkward. The clashing is fair, but they should get over it if they want to save Isobel. Ok Liz, assert yourself. I kinda love her, cause she's trying even after what happened

Wow, ok, he really wants to leave. Rebuilding the ship and everything. Like man, he really doesn't feel he belongs here. He's lost, looking for some place to feel like home. I should probably stop analyzing right now.

You know, good on you telling Liz what happened, but maybe wait until after you save Isobel. Don't want any unknown hiccups potentially making Liz mad. Do I think she's gonna leave and not help? No. Does Michael know she won't? No he doesn't. So he shouldn't be saying this me thinks.

Love the denial on her part though

Let's go! Liz and Michael team up! Yes!

Oh let's not let there mom see her right now. This is gonna be painful. Ok, their poor mom. She's trying. It is good that she doesn't see her like this though.

Kyle is in a very awkward position right now. And Noah is in a very shitty one.

Ouch!

I actually really like Kyle.

Ok, wow. Manes is fucking delusional on top of a homophobic asshole. Alex I say just go talk to Michael about this. Don't bother listening to your dad.

Yes, fucking call him out.

Save Isobel! We've got it, we're so close!

This is making me sad.

Ok, blackmail your father to leave. We like it we like it. We don't love it cause I'm still worried for Alex, but we definitely like getting rid of Manes.

She may not be dying, but she's leaving and it's still sad, but its better than dying.

I don't know what else to say tbh.

Liz is honestly such a good person, like literally so good. Though she is wrong on her and Max not meaning to be together. But I've accepted that the earliest they'll get together is the season finale.

Ugh, Manes is still here. Fucking Jenna. Don't talk to him. Lie to him the whole time.

Ok, they are setting up something here aren't they. See no. I refuse it.

His mom keeps saying he looks thin, but he really doesn't. And he definitely needs that cry.

Honestly, I am probably gonna watch another episode aren't I? Yep. I'll watch another one and rush to finish my essay last minute. You know how it is.

[ziracona]

Sorry if this has been asked before but, I'm really curious about how you would have written Max in the story if he were to be there? He's one of my personal favorite characters and finding redemption stories about him is kinda hard (You have no idea how happy I was when I read Claudette threw him a scarf to stay warm, like yes please; he's a feral child in a killer's body, but please stay warm)

I don’t think I have been, and no problem!

If Max had had a larger role in ILM, I am not 100% sure how I’d have written his perosnality, since I haven’t had to do it yet in-depth, but I know he’d be very angry and both defensive and aggressive towards everything, warry, skittish, hostile. Not bad necessarily, but humans will raise hackles and be ready to lash out and bite if they’ve all they’ve ever known is abuse the same way a mistreated cat or dog would, or like, most any living thing. I think he’s very lonely and unloved, and it’s hard for humans to survive without positive contact and affirmation and physical affection. I mean, if we’re left alone totally, we literally just die. But since his only experience with humans—and his parents/the people who should have loved him most no less—was nothing but danger and abuse and isolation and imprisonment, I think it’d be very hard for him to be approached. Not at all impossible, but man, it is really, really hard to convince someone who’s been through torrential rains of abuse that there’s something else to be given.

I do have ideas on how you could get through, but let me think about personality first. Well, aside from aggressive, defensive, skittish, warry, and hostile, like inborn traits to go along with learned, I think he is a very volatile person. He must be enduring and strong to survive what he did and live, and so determined and tenacious. —Oh! Hang on, big one before I forget. So, I am not a forefront authority in Disability as it relates to narrative, but I know quite a bit and was lucky enough to have a professor whose central areas were Disability, Horror, and Disability in Horror. I don’t know who exactly popularized the idea of Max as having basically a child’s mind in an adult’s killer body, though I think I’ve been told it was one person or story? Maybe it was just a big fandom take. But that’s one of the most prevailing and harmful disability stereotypes, especially for mental disabilities, and horror is a massive offender in general with both disabilities and disorders, and we need to do better & listen to the communities themselves more. I don’t mean this in a harsh way at all—I don’t even know if you meant ‘feral child in a killer’s body’ that way, or meant like, ‘this feral man in a killer’s body is my child TuT’—which is a totally different statement—and even with the former, I know people have had that idea of Max super popularized and are inundated with it, and most people I think just don’t know it’s a very harmful and prevalent stereotype period—I didn’t until I was in my 20s. But I think it’s important to bring attention to it when it’s brought up. Many of the bad things done to people with disabilities come from treating them as not fully actualized humans (I guess I should say ‘us’), and some of those ways are easy to spot, because they’re cruel, and some are harder, because they seem positive. The ‘child mind in an adult body’ is a huge one for disabilities that doesn’t seem awful at first glance, but actually is a huge problem. Unfortunately, human children also get treated by and large as not fully realized humans (as in autonomous & worthy of respect and self-determination—obvs there are some differences that are important, but a child is still an entire ass human & should be respected as such). The painting a physically and mentally disabled character as childlike or mentally trapped as a child is used to control and take autonomy and gravity from our opinions and lives. It’s also just like, not accurate. But the biggest thing is that it takes agency from individuals and paints them as less intelligent, less capable of wanting or pursing more ‘adult’ things [such as jobs or sex or protesting for their rights or having informed opinions on current events and doing something about it], and tries to paint that permanent, life-long dehumanization as a positive thing by making it cute or innofenssive at first glance. While still discounting disabled as kids, passing off autonomy and decisions to their caregivers, and ignoring our status as equal and actualized individuals. Stunted learning or growth or different ways of speaking, moving, and limitations understanding certain things don’t actually make disabled people like children. They’re just adults who sometimes have some very different ways of speaking or thinking or seeming or being. But it’s super important that we’re still adults and like, have the actualized self of adults, even if our speech patterns seem weird. There’s a huge and extremely important difference between an adult with social hangups around sensitive areas and social norms, and being a child. If you didn’t know any of that, don’t feel too bad, again like, people who aren’t disabled almost never talk about disability theory or issues, and I didn’t know this till I was in my 20s. But I feel really bad for Max and bad about how he is usually characterized, so it is important to bring this up.

Okay! That all said, I think personality wise, Max would be really fun to write. Because you have two levels—you have the taught things—fear, aggression, etc, and his inborn perosnality. There is very little canon about Max, but we know he never left home after freeing himself, he steals clothes from scarecrows or whatever he can find, and he’s probably in his early 20s or maybe to his mid 20s now. Since he never left home, I’d think he’s probably a little more cautious and anctious by nature, even with all that rage. I think he’d be sentimental if he ever was given something to love. He must have attachment to things pretty easily, and would I think have liked people a lot because of that, if life had been different. Would have been a shy but friendly and hopeful farm boy. Now, he’s kind of a broken mess, sadly. He’s had it super pounded in by family he is worthless and horrific and disgusting and a monster and an abomination, so I think he expects all humans to take one look and violently feel the same towards him. Taught humans are cruel, and he isn’t safe with them, and the only thing that will stop them and protect himself is unchecked aggression.

So, when it comes to like, getting close enough to him to redeem him, it’s rough, because again, he’d be very very aggressive. I mean, even after killing his parents, he mutilated the animals on the farm in rage, and continued to viciously hurt and then kill anything living he could find on the farm, so he’s got a lot of danger, and he really leaned into violence to protect himself. It’s what he knows now. I think he’s still lonely — like, so lonely he’s sick with it — but unlike Anna and Michael, he’s never known love, so I don’t think he’s even aware of that, and it’s on a pretty subconscious level. Plus, he has even less understanding of human communication and rules and gestures than the other feral killers, so it’d be really hard to get through to him. I think about the only plausible way is really, really, really fuckin slowly, through repeated gifts and kindnesses for no reason (like Claude with the scarf but every day for three years)—the same way you’d try to get through to a feral cat, since like other living things, humans also are wary and mistrustful when hurt, but can be socialized into new situations and do have a pretty set list of gifts and actions we appreciate. I mean, if I was feral, I would start to soften if repeatedly left chocolates and big warm coats and picture books to look at, pretty rocks. I have a crow heart.... >.> Or, the much more likely option, you’d have to catch him or find him captured and helpless, and then be kind instead of doing anything bad at all, and help him for a somewhat extended period of time, nurse him back to health or such, so he’d be forced to actually realize this person isn’t trying to hurt him—they’re trying to help.

I think Max would get less hostile slowly and cautiously because like, if you’ve ever been horribly abused you know you’re afraid to be hurt again. But also, if you’re alone, there’s a battle between wanting some kind of constact and love, and the fear of trying to trust someone only to be brutally torn up again and cast aside. It’s a painful place to be. But I think once he made it over that initial trust hurdle, and could bring himself to stop shuddering at a touch and to believe the person helping him was just trying to give him food, not poison or something to choke on, he’d be absolutely overcome, becuase if you’ve never been shown kindness and then are, overwhelmingly, it’s really hard to process. There’s a lot of psychology stuff about how we form our understandings and processing of each other and the world that I’m not gonna go into much bc convoluted, but it’d be like the opposite weirdly of a Just World break. The realization some things are less awful than your cemented life understanding structure. It would feel wrong and be hard to process (and rewireing a brain takes some time), but he’s been so alone for so long, I think the longing for people would get through, and he would cautiously start to trust and be just bowled over and kind of intimidated by the strength of like, the love and affection and gratitude and belonging he’d start to feel. I think he’d be afraid, becuase it’s not how life is meant to go, and jumpy, but he’d also just be lost to the happiness of actually having some kind of positive human connection, and become fiercely protective of whoever (or whichever people) was/were helping him. Got something he doesn’t want to lose now.

He’s young, so he’s going to still be figuring stuff out, and he had an awful upbringing, so lots of confusion and anger and un-learning too, but I’m really glad you liked that scene!! 😭 and that you like Max too, because he needs more love. I like him a lot too, that’s why he ends up with an undetermined fate instead of, like, dead in ILM. I’d like to give him a fully story role sometime, when there’s more space for it. He’s such a complex and unfortunate guy, he deserves a chance to grow more right and find people who are different and have a better future. TuT. It ain’t fair how his life was.

[shego1142]

Hi, um... so I saw your btd and infinity train post and just gotta say, super glad I'm not the only one that thought that! Now that season 3 is officially all out I'm really curious if you've seen it yet and what you thought.

Goes without saying but MAJOR infinity train season 3 spoilers below!

This is also discussing an 18+ horror-porn game which features a lot of gore and other potentially triggering subjects so dni if you are not 18 or older or if gore/murder/etc make you uncomfy!

I just watched the finale. I’m like... in shock?

I mean by no means was or is Simon my fave at all (he just looks a lot like my ultimate comfort character lol) but wow... just... wow

It is a lot different when like... comparing btd with infinity train too tho!

Like, I feel like the entire /point/ of btd is to let your morality go. Like, it’s a horror-porn game.

It’s meant to be like “what up u fucks, being murdered is sexy! Yes Strade daddy kick my fucking head in! Lawrence pls squeeze my actual literal beating heart you weird necrophile”

And meanwhile infinity train is like “we are all just a collection of our actions, we all deserve the chance to redeem ourselves but sometimes we may not be able to due to the trauma we’ve been put through and the finite amount of time we have”

And I personally believe that both of those facets of humanity are okay to explore in fiction. It’s healthy to explore them in fact.

That said like, yea Simon is an asshole but I still liked him. Still think he deserved to redeem himself.

Still think it’s unfair that the train even happened to him at all, because he probably would have been better off at 10 years old with people who could look at him and say “yo, kid, here’s a therapist” instead of him being led by someone who is just as much a scared kid as he is.

Him doing what he’s always been taught to do and suddenly being told it’s wrong... as someone who’s autistic I can tell you that that’s a world shattering circumstance.

Idk if Simon was autistic or not, tbh I was too freaked out by how much he looked like Lawrence to notice much else about him...

Idk personally I liked the finale even if I feel like it wasn’t fair. I like the story even if it ripped me up emotionally, even if it’s making me think about things I wish I weren’t thinking about (like whether or not I’m a good person and whether or not redemption is possible and whether or not somewhere somehow those who couldn’t redeem themselves in this life are able to redeem themselves elsewhere)

I feel hollow after watching the finale, but in a good way.

Yes I would adore beyond all belief to have like, a fic it fic or something that gives Simon a second chance... like idk, maybe he wakes up in the real world from a coma? ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

And maybe when she gets out (probably very soon) Grace finds him.

But maybe that’s just it. Maybe that’s the end, full stop, he died, he’s gone, he lived a shitty life from ages 10 to what? 16? 18?

Idk... you asked about my thoughts and rn the main thing I’m thinking is just how much I really do hate how the fandom is this big jumbled mess of completely missing the point.

But anyway, yea no I lost my absolute shit when I saw him in season 2

Like I was /obsessed/ because of how freaking much he looked like Lawrence. Still am, bc wow the hair down look was wild too!

Especially with the “he went insane” scene... very Lawrence.

I guess that brings me back around to what I was saying about btd and infinity train being ultimately so different too.

With Lawrence I personally am like “yes my horrible son, you are a bad socially anxious murder boy and your entire purpose is to murder. Continue your murdering. Especially if it’s me or characters I relate to because I’m dealing with some shit and imagining you murdering me helps me deal with it, you funky little weird coping mechanism you.”

With Simon I’m like “You’re an ass. It’s not your fault though. I would be an ass too if I had been taught from age ten to do things the way you were taught to do them. Your actions are horrible and if you had had a fair shot at learning personal responsibility I would argue that you should be held responsible for them. But since you didn’t, since you spent your entire time on the train without growing, staying stagnant and forcing yourself to regress because it’s what you’d been taught was right, what you thought was right, all I can do is pity you. Your purpose was to learn to be a better person and you failed and I’m sorry.”

They’re ultimately very different characters for me despite how similar they are (obviously the way they look exactly alike but they’re also mentally unstable, started killing at a young age, have anger issues, etc)

I adore infinity train, and all its characters honestly. I really do hope there’s some form of closure for Simon but I’m not expecting it either.

Right now I just wish the fandom wasn’t trying to tear apart those who want closure for him. That’s so... outside of the point of the entire show.

Idk this goes a lot into my philosophy on life in general too I think, basically I don’t think there are people who are irredeemable. Not on shows, not in real life. I think there are just people who need help. I think that people deserve to be treated fairly and with respect regardless of what horrible actions they may have committed.

I guess I’m just really irritated rn at how some of the fandom seems to think that it was Simon’s “right and just punishment” that he died.

It wasn’t a punishment. It was just something that happened. People die. It happens. He didn’t die because he was a bad person. At least I don’t think so.

And it doesn’t make me, or any other fans, or Grace, or the apex kids bad people to mourn for him. For his lost opportunities. He was a traumatised child and he’s gone now.

And the ghom? Wasn’t it shown in season one that the ghoms are Amelia’s fault anyway?

Personally I think the entire point of the train is to work out your problems, full stop.

I think the only way someone is /meant/ to be able to die from the train is to die of old age.

The ghoms are accidental. They’re the product of someone else’s actions.

And sometimes we fall prey to that. And I think it’s okay to look at that and say “well that’s not fair.”

Because it isn’t.

I don’t know if Simon could have gotten better. Maybe he could have?

In the scene where he loses his sanity there for a moment he really did show signs of immense remorse and even confusion.

But honestly? Even if he wasn’t able to get better he didn’t deserve to die. And it disturbs me that a lot of peeps seem to think he did.

Anyway sorry this turned into a bit more of a rant than I meant for it to!!! >~<

Like I said I /just/ watched it!

But yea as far as Simon Laurent looking like Lawrence goes, I’m still a bit freaked out by that. The amount of times I’ve gone to write “Lawrence” instead of Simon in this post is way to high lol!

Personally I wanna know how gato feels about him honestly! Like she’s Lawrence’s creator and Simon really does seem like such a nod to her character!

Thanks for the ask, I got to vent a good bit! Idk if this is the convo you wanted from me tho lol :P

[atalana]

If Five was somehow given a way to assure his family's safety, do you think he'd have the potential to be a true villain? Like not necessarily evil but if he refuses to care about himself or others, would his lack of wanting anything reduce him to an antagonist? Or could he become a hero proper, or something else entirely? I'm curious about your thoughts on this!!

Hooo boy this is an interesting ask, thank you so much!

To first off answer your question, yes, absolutely, Five has the potential to be a villain. Under those specific circumstances, debatable, and there’s a few different factors that could go into it, so lets go into them properly

First off, how is he ensuring his family’s safety, and also does that affect the apocalypse? Because let’s take that one first, if his family survived into the apocalypse with him, Five would not be the Five we know. Honestly, as much as the apocalypse would suck, I think all of them would be better adjusted? It’s one thing to survive on your own, it’s a different thing altogether to survive as a team. They’d learn to work together, they’d get better at not following Hargreeves’ rules and life plan and all of that, it would be miserable sometimes, but they’d have each other, and a lot better mental everything.

If it means the apocalypse never happens, then Five travels into the future to meet his ~30 year old siblings. It would be weird, and he’d probably like to get back, but when he discovers he can’t it won’t be life shattering, because he’s still got his siblings, he’s just their younger brother now. Either way, Five has no reason to get involved with the Commission

But let’s say for the sake of argument that the apocalypse still happens, Five is still the Five in the show, it’s just that his siblings aren’t at risk and so we take that away as a factor.

Well, you’re right, he’s got a lot less of a drive to succeed now. But also, I think he still does want to stop the apocalypse? Because that’s what ruined his life, and Five’s not without morals, even if he frequently puts them aside, given the choice he’d still choose to save everyone, he definitely cares about people as a whole. Like, the closer it gets to the apocalypse in the show the more he starts using “everyone” instead of his family, he criticises the Handler for letting everyone die, he sides with Luther because “there are billions of lives at stake, we’re past trying to save just one”. Five, with no other factors changed, still wants to save the world.

So let’s talk about what would get him to leave everything behind.

Would he do it if his life was at risk? Interesting question. Because I don’t think Five necessarily cares about the world more than he cares about himself, it’s more, he stopped thinking about his own life as a factor ages ago. He’s been driven by this task for so long, he doesn’t know what he is without it. And as we’ve talked about, after everything he went through in the apocalypse, and with the Commission, he really sees himself a lot more as a tool to complete a task than a person with a life. He has absolutely no qualms about throwing himself at a problem to try and get it fixed. I think in a straight up “it’s you or the world” he’d probably choose to save the world? But that’s on pretty shaky ground.

For example, the Handler’s offer. He comes back to work for the Commission, if his family is safe and he gets to stop being thirteen again. In the show, both Five and the Handler went into that agreement knowing it was just a matter of who double crossed the other first. But if that was legit? Well, he still disapproves of the entire planet dying, but he’s killed a lot of people by himself, he’s very good at compartmentalising his feelings away in that respect. And he doesn’t like looking thirteen, he hates that people see him as a child, hates that the only clothes that fit him are the Umbrella Academy uniforms. It’s just that his own body dysmorphia ranks so low on his list of priorities compared to the literal apocalypse. Like, you can see it, he wants to take that offer so badly, it’s why the Handler keeps dangling it in front of his face with things like getting him new adult fitted outfits. The main problem is the Commission part. If that offer came from someone he trusted more than the Handler, I think he’d take it. He may not like what he was doing to the world in the process, but getting to look like himself and go live with his family far away from all of this, that’s a pretty tempting choice.

Is there a timeline where Five continues to work for the Commission? I think only if it was the only way to save his family, as in, they’d be actively in danger and continue to be if and only if he refused to work for the Commission. He may be good at Commission work, but he hates the place, hates what they stand for, sees them only as a means to an end. He’s only worked for them to use them, if he was going to continue working for them past the point they’re no longer useful to him, they would have to have something pretty strong to use against him, and after everything, I think his family’s lives are the only thing strong enough.

Now, villain, antagonist, those are interesting words to use here. Because here’s the thing - to many many people, Five is already a villain. Like, just on screen, people Five has knowingly and deliberately killed to further his own goals:

All of the mercenaries the Commission sent after him, who didn’t know what they were there for, just that they had to kill whoever the tracker led them to

At least one person in Dallas, 1963

37 people from the Hindenburg case, as a way to get the Handler off his back

At least one person fleeing the Commission

At least three Commission agents in the theatre

That’s nearly 50 people right there. And if you count all the accidental deaths Five caused with his actions but didn’t give a shit about, or all the people he assassinated when working for the Commission, the number is easily in the hundreds

To the families of all those people, Five is a villain, it just depends on what narrative you’re looking at. Really, despite being the most driven out of all of them to save the world, Five doesn’t have the moral high ground over anyone in this show. Maybe the Handler, but it’s pretty subjective.

Now antagonist, that’s even more interesting. Because in order to be an antagonist, you have to be working against the goals of the protagonists. Well, who are the protagonists in this hypothetical narrative? If you want to keep any aspects of this story the same, it only makes sense for them to be the other Academy kids, right?

So here’s a narrative for you. The Commission gets the upper hand on Five. They find another way to cause the apocalypse that doesn’t rely on Vanya (it’s possible, there’s one point in the comics where Hazel and Cha Cha literally manage to blow up the earth with a bunch of nuclear weapons Hargreeves had been stockpiling, long story, but they could blow up the moon for the same result as in the show). The Commission just wants this whole situation to be over, so they give him a choice - Five can go live somewhere else with his family and ignore the fact that the apocalypse will happen, or the entire Hargreeves family can die right now. But Five has to convince them to go.

Now, what do you do, when your little brother who you haven’t seen in seventeen years, shows up with a bunch of mercenaries and says the apocalypse is about to happen, and there’s nothing you can do to stop it, you just have to go with him and you can all live far away from it if you go right now. Well, you might say yes, if you think he’s being threatened into this, especially if he says your own life depends on it. But if you’ve been raised a superhero, well, you’re a lot more likely to fight back.

And if you see how well he can fight, how willing he is to kill completely indiscriminately, well, you’d probably have a hard time trusting anything he says.

Luther isn’t going to go, because Luther’s duty is to save the world. He’s going to try everything he can to do that, regardless of what Five says.

Diego isn’t going to go, because he cares about these people, he cares about making a difference in the world and doing good. He can’t do that if everyone’s dead.

There’s nothing on earth that could make Allison leave her daughter, and even if she could take Claire with her, I don’t think Allison “trying to be a better person and fix her life” Hargreeves would be too happy about raising her daughter knowing she let Claire’s father die, letting Claire know she’s a coward who took the easy way out

Klaus might go. But Ben would be very very against it.

Vanya will hear Five out, but won’t be able to believe it, and even if she does, she’s got a life here too, and she’s not gonna be super psyched to leave everything just to go with her siblings who’ve always excluded her, and some of whom currently actively hate her.

And let’s be real, Five isn’t going to try and convince them if Five can try and force them. In canon, the only person he talks to is Vanya, and when she doesn’t immediately try to help him, he abandons that plan entirely. He only goes back to his family when he’s out of leads with no idea what to do.

Some of them are going to assume Five is being threatened and try to help him, which Five doesn’t want, because that puts them in more danger. Some of them are going to assume Five’s completely lost it, and is now a danger to them, and are going to try and stop him, which Five doesn’t want, because that’s just letting them all die in the apocalypse.

It would be a disaster, and would go a lot better if these kids could communicate with each other, but they’re so bad at that. I don’t know how the whole thing would play out, if Five would be swayed by their attempts to stand strong against the apocalypse, or if he knows there’s no hope and is just trying to save them against their will, but either way, it would be very fun to watch

[kingofthewilderwest]

Don't worry, I take over my sleep time to read and write fanfictions. I wouldn't have time otherwise! I have an entire Word page with only links to fanfictions I still have to read! And it's all right to not read fanfictions if you don't want to. It's just an hobby among others. Anyway, you wrote fanfictions?? Now I'm curious, could I have a link, if you don't mind? Have a good night too and sorry for my grammar mistakes, english isn't my first language (btw, thank you for the likes

From this. Sorry I’m slow replying!! thanks for your wonderful messages! :)

No worries about grammar! Your English is great, and even if it weren’t, that’s no bother to me either. :) The fact that you’re communicating in a language that isn’t your first… just means you have extra skills and are even more awesome! :) 

I love how dedicated you are to looking at others’ fanfictions, even creating a Word document page to make sure you remember them. That’s beautiful and cool. And I’m getting curious about what you’ve written, too! 

Thanks so much for asking about my fics - this touches me! Sure, I’m happy to share! I tend to post all fics on tumblr and FFN, with FFN being my primary hub. On tumblr I use the tag #my fanfiction and tag all stories by their title. My FFN profile is kingofthewilderwest.

I’m so so so so so SO touched when anyone reads or interacts with my fics (though since I write casually, I ask no constructive criticism

THE VIGILANTE’S WAR

HTTYD. YEAR: 2014. LENGTH: 57,110 WORDS. A mysterious, antagonistic dragon rider dubbed “the Vigilante” crosses paths with Hiccup, and her increasingly violent actions appear to be leading to war against Berk. 

He tightened his hands, loosened them again. Breathed in, breathed out. He could feel himself stooped in the dirt, his shoulders hunched over his head, his knees buried in the ground and tucked underneath his torso. His neck was bent low close to the earth, providing him a good view of his hands and the ground and nothing else.

Well, and the blood.

That can’t possibly be all mine.

- PROLOGUE: FROM OUT OF THE HAZE

HTTYD 2′s original drafts had Valka as the main antagonist. I found this so interesting that I decided to rewrite HTTYD 2 - with a few of my own spins - on this concept. One of my most well-known fics, “The Vigilante’s War” is where I’ve gotten the most thorough reviews and most emotional reactions.

THE VIGILANTE’S LEGACY 

HTTYD. YEARS: 2014-2016. LENGTH: 20,546 WORDS. There’s been four years of war between three factions. Drago’s army. The Vigilante and her dragons. Berk and their allies. But now, Chief Hiccup believes there’s a way to end the conflict. Sequel to “The Vigilante’s War.”

Hiccup spoke up. Cleared his voice. Tapped his pointer finger apprehensively on the cell’s iron door. “You said we were making a mistake.” Might as well speak straight to the point of his visit. “Something about ‘you and every one of your warriors are making a mistake’ or – or something like that.”

For a moment Hiccup wondered if Valka actually would reply. The calculating gaze she gave him from the corner of her prison certainly did not seem a positive sign. However, then, with a steady, lilting cadence to her voice, she succinctly affirmed, “I did.” Just those two words. Nothing more.

- VIII. THE MISTAKES OF WAR

It’s unfinished; I haven’t updated because I ran out of steam and didn’t receive enough reader feedback encouraging me to continue. Though I did have a very vivid final chapter in mind… that I still love… which I never got to…?

MEMOIRS

HTTYD. YEARS: 2015-2016. LENGTH: 44,289 WORDS. My ongoing collection of drabbles for HTTYD. Angst, pain, comfort, humor, crossovers, crack, it’s all there. Favorites include “Family Portrait,” “Stubble,” “Buffcup the Brawny,” and “Remember When.”

He held her hand softly, one wrinkled hand laid gently on top of another. It was just her and him now in the house all alone – for their children had left on a voyage with the grandkids, and would not be back for a week yet, if even two. It evoked the quietness of the old days, back before they were old, back during the times when they were newlyweds and younger even than their grandchildren were today. Oh, but the smell of her hair was just as refreshing now as when it was blonde.

- REMEMBER WHEN

DINNER AT DRAGON’S EDGE 

HTTYD. YEAR: 2015. LENGTH: 5,452 WORDS. The gang’s settling in at Dragon’s Edge. To make sure everything operates smoothly, Hiccup suggests a chore rotation system. That means everyone has to do their fair share of the cooking… but it doesn’t mean everyone is a fair cook.

“Oh my gods, is this dinner or what the rats threw away?” Snotlout exclaimed, terrified at the Unidentified Edible Object before him.

Tuffnut picked it up with one experimental hand and held it out before him at a safe distance. People would have held poisonous snakes or bloodied torture devices more cheerily. Squinting his eyes and peering carefully at the peculiar specimen pinched between his fingers, rubbing under his chin with his other, free hand, Tuffnut remarked, “Looks something like what Barf and Belch poop out after they get sick and…”

- 1. ASSIGNING JOBS

This humorous fic I think is where I do best capturing HTTYD character personalities and interactions.

[SUPER]HERO THE HARD WAY 

HTTYD. YEARS: 2014-2017. LENGTH: 86,566 WORDS. In a modern world where Berk is full of superheroes battling the League of Outcasts, power-less Hiccup Horrendous Haddock the Third struggles to receive appreciation for who he is. Through his crime-fighting journey, Hiccup learns that, while he might not have powers, he can become a Hero the Hard Way.

“I wasn’t born with anything. Don’t have anything. I’m the son of Chief Stoick “Skullcrusher” and I don’t have anything. Not even a superpower to turn objects purple. Which frankly would be completely pointless but at least it would have been something.“

He realized he was babbling and promptly shut his mouth. He looked over at Fishlegs, who appeared to be wordlessly processing the information. The teenager appeared baffled moreso than anything else, which at least meant he was not outright rejecting him.

“So you’re going to train to be a superhero… and you don’t have any powers? I got that right?”

“You got that right.”

“Wow.” Fishlegs said.

Hiccup waited for more.

“That’s actually really cool.”

- CHAPTER THREE: SIDEKICKED

This started as me intending to write one crack chapter. It turned into me envisioning a ROB / DOB modern AU where all characters were superheroes. The final product became a retelling of HTTYD 1′s basic concept: Hiccup gaining his peers’ approval despite being different. Somehow, despite me 70% adlibbing by the seat of my pants (should I be admitting this?), I had great fun. And it brought in the most reviews, follows, and favorites of any of my posted stories! Thanks for the reads and support, everyone!!!

RESET OR RESUME 

UT. YEAR: 2016-2017. LENGTH: 85,841 WORDS. Gaster’s research unlocks the secret of time travel. After the Royal Scientist’s untimely end, one of Gaster’s colleagues - Sans - finds himself with the power to Reset. Confronted with unpleasant timelines and dangerous choices, Sans must decide how to navigate through time… if it’s worth resetting for a better future, continuing with hope for the present, or simply giving up.

No longer timid and silent, the human happily babbled all sorts of nonsense to Sans, everything from how to bake snow pies to how weird Sans’ skull looked to how beautiful the ribbon in their hair was to their opinions of Papyrus’ ‘battle body’ to how their mom didn’t like the color black to their personal opinion of ferrets to a long narrative of their encounter with a snail-loving old lady they met on the other side of the Ruins door. Everything could be the topic of a conversation. There was no filter and even less sense of restraint for this child.

“How are you a SKELETON?” their happy little high-pitched voice squeaked. They flew gallantly over a twig that rested, flat, on the surface of the snow. Powder flew everywhere as they landed heavily into the snowbank. “That means – that means you should be DEAD, you know!”

“who says i’m not dead?” Sans trolled with a wink.

With a shrieking giggle, they exclaimed, “Don’t be silly! Only ghosts are dead!”

“i could be a skeleton ghost.”

“No you – no you can’t.” The human seemed to be quite confident about their knowledge in paranormal metaphysics. “You can be a skeleton. You can be a ghost. But nobody – NOBODY – can be a skeleton ghost.”

“is that so?”

“YES so! You CAN’T be both. That would be wrong.” Maybe the human mentally categorized skeletons and ghosts as separate Halloween creatures, ensuring they were mutually exclusive concepts. It was always challenging to comprehend a child’s train of logic. “Except…” and now the child paused, leaning down and tugging at the sleeve of their sweater. Something thoughtful – at least as much as one so young could be thoughtful – passed over their eyes. They cocked their head to the side and stared at Sans. In the same sort of innocence with which they had talked about ferrets, the human inquired, “…can ghosts also be dust?”

- 5. KNOCKS [[File 5.2 IH-20150701-3-3]]

I have particular fondness for this fic. I spent more energy and care with this than any other I’ve posted. Drenched it through with UT lore. Edited and revised thoroughly. Had two beta readers examine my ASL for accurate representation. I wrote extensive outlines that were several page long color-coded charts, had all this meticulous structuring going on…

The problem was, this was an impossibly ambitious project. Life got in the way, too. The 85,841 words here aren’t close to the end of Part 1. The final two Parts were going to explain the weirdness within Part 1 (the story doesn’t begin in chronological order - it gets pieced together like a puzzle). What I planned to write would have included a complex characterization arc for Sans, every human child that’s visited the underground, and multiple resets containing main character deaths… until the story would end with Sans confronting Frisk in the Genocide Route.

Hopefully, despite the incompleteness, this is enjoyable from its comedy to its angst! I would at least encourage people to read the first few chapters! Or “Socks” - an entire chapter devoted to Sans and Gaster pulling sock pranks on each other.

SOMEHOW THEY’RE STILL OFFICERS

FMAB. YEAR: 2018-2019. LENGTH: 6,036 WORDS. Ahhhhhh yes. Team Mustang. The hand-selected, elite group of military officers who effectively spend their time… doing nonsense. 

Everyone was scrambling at once. Mustang rushed forward to greet their guest, perfect composure only broken by the fast pace at which he moved. In fact the colonel’s posture was almost a proud enough display to make his lack of shirt go unnoticed. But Falman chucked his cards away at the same time he tried to salute; Breda was ducking from Falman’s sudden card shower; Fuery was launching pants and underwear in Havoc’s face; and Lieutenant Hawkeye, obviously abashed to be in this room at all, was covering her eyes with her hand in what was either her life’s longest sigh, or a pathetic attempt to hide her face and identity.

- WE WERE JUST PLAYING CARDS

My collection of FMA drabbles, particularly stories of Team Mustang shenanigans. Prompts / requests welcome for more adventures!

I have a few other drabbles posted, too. I also have unfinished chapters of Voltron fanfictions on my computer that I could share, too? Maybe I should? I’m currently working on several Royai fanfictions, other FMA drabbles, and a longer Deponia fanfiction.

Thank you again for being so nice and connecting with me over fanfiction and fandom and FMA and more. You’re a really wonderful and cool person and you made my day.

[elizabethrobertajones]

i love jack a lot but i don't get everyone's excitement about dean eventually adopting him. like why would you want to force him into another parental role with a kid with unstable powers JUST when he's escaping his role with sam? i'm not accusing you or anything i'm just really really frustrated at fandom's mentality

Yeah, there’s some good posts around discussing the various metaphorical and direct representations of the bad family dynamics going on here. I think it’s possible to enjoy and dislike the same thing from different angles. I LOVE Jack choosing Cas as his father and setting his personal compass by Cas. It’s perfect. But for Cas’s sake I’m genuinely skeeved out by it because of the way Jack(’s powers) latched onto him from the womb and that it is basically what I figured all along - that Jack himself is an innocent sweetie pie because he has a soul and he is therefore gifted free will and a blank slate to be what he wants and is at the very least not inherently evil… 

But his powers still did something because of his increased awareness and powers in the womb that I don’t like, which is… convincing… Cas to be his guardian. Cas being forced into the dynamic is one of the metaphorical parallels to the brothers’ issues which I’ve enjoyed the meta about, because of course Cas can still love Jack and all and have meant it because I don’t think he wasn’t acting from the heart in 12x23 because have you met Cas, that was a classic example of his heart on display. And I’m actually hoping they do have a sweet dynamic when Cas gets back. But I still don’t like HOW it happened, in the exact same way I really dig sweet moments between Sam and Dean which don’t have the complicated baggage, but I can still be uncomfortable about romanticising other parts of their relationship, and critical of how Dean was forced to parent Sam… 

So yeah. Anyway, I think the thing with Dean and Jack is that it’s the goal - Sam already likes Jack and wants to give him a chance. Cas has his connection to him already and it’s unlikely he’ll hate Jack on his return :P Dean is not wrong to be upset and critical based on the information he has like @k-vichan‘s post I just recently reblogged was explaining (Sam hasn’t even told him on camera that Jack said that Cas is his father which means until we get past the point of disbelief that he hasn’t said it off-camera that’s still something we might find out later from Dean’s POV to affect how he feels about him. Although I’m usually careful not to get over-attached to what hasn’t been said on camera in case the writers start assuming it’s obvious they shared it and leave an emotional gap… But this is such a big thing it might HAVE to be said on screen or else be a gap.)

Like… Obviously the emotional hook for “coming to like Jack” is something that falls on Dean to have while the others are already seeming to be clear on it. He’s the obstacle - the thing standing between Jack and a happy families thing (so it might be a long haul or Dean is just starting to warm up when things go bad either with Cas’s return or something that happens with Jack for what will be a frankly bizarre season if they don’t tease him ~going dark~ to test him at some point). It’s like a will they won’t they on Dean liking Jack :P 

And I think that in this case it’s not forcing anything on Dean when he comes to NATURALLY adopt random youngins and other hapless friends (like Garth, tbh :P) but that he has to want to do it and it is something he does instinctively because he’s a nurturer and has a caring soul. Maybe because of the Sam stuff but it’s not weird when he does it to, like, Krissy or something. It’s one of his softer traits but in this case it has mytharc relevance, since Jack is, WE can tell, really sweet, but Dean is in no position to see him for what he is, which may compromise them looking after him, and even if Jack is sweet and squishy right now, he has cosmic powers and intentionally or not he’s going to be dangerous on a huge level even if it’s just for drawing attention. I think Dean coming to like him will play a big part in reconciling this whole situation just because he’s the one who instinctively doesn’t like Jack already. And that’s something where he’s messed up with grief and hasn’t seen anything to convince him Jack isn’t a problem, so it’s set up to be a bigger struggle for him.

And that probably also plays into Dean as the emotional centre of the show - that Sam is usually dealing with the plot stuff head on, while Dean is the filter we struggle with it through. I think Dean not trusting Jack is another way of drawing out uncertainty and tension about Jack in the narrative. Is Sam wrong to trust him? Is there still something hinky between Jack and Cas? Will Jack turn bad? Even if it’s seeming quite clear that Jack is not as bad as Dean thinks by far, and Sam’s made the right call here, to go with his confidence in leadership and standing up for himself arc, playing the reconciliation to Jack’s presence in their lives through Dean is giving us (or, well, the surface level read of the show, which I pay as much attention to as I can out of curiosity as a writer about stringing appearances and cheap drama out of more complex stories and I watch the episodes from the POV of “what is the show trying to tell us” before “what can I read into this”) a more drawn out exploration of who and what Jack is and the conclusion on what his character can be. 

And I think that means Dean will be challenging Jack too, and always probably be more on the side of checking if he really is what he seems or second-guessing his actions etc. It will give Jack something to grow and fight against, especially since people HATE letting Dean down and Dean is the moral centre of the show when it comes to love, humanity, what is the right thing to do, the free will choice, just generally a beacon of these themes. If Jack has to win Dean’s approval, it’s going to be a complex and satisfying story and a good way of proving we can definitively trust him. Not because Sam makes bad choices or because Jack doesn’t already seem like a good guy, but just because Dean has Standards which are so high you can define and navigate the story by them. Like Cas rebelling in 4x22. Or on the flip side, 6x20.

This is all kinda wishy washy stuff for later in the season that what we already have, though, and I don’t know how thoroughly others have thought it through or if I am missing some really obvious lines of thought here myself, but I don’t think the instinctive reaction that people are wishing Dean adopts Jack is all just forcing a new child on him, or that people think Dean shouldn’t come to that choice himself, and approve of Jack for real reasons. One of the short posts out there about it that I like is a line of spec that Dean will start to like Jack after he does a Benny - does something to save or help Cas that Dean can’t deny Jack is good any more after seeing. That’s not just wishing another child to look after on Dean, that’s a complicated series of Dean recognising Jack’s potential to be good and understanding him better or now having a motivation to reach out to him. 

And I do personally find it kind of creepy to be super gung ho about Jack as any of their children - Cas for the reasons I already said although I like it for Jack and would be open to Cas being cool with it :P But Sam and Dean as well because I think there’s a lot of point scoring going on with who gets to parent Jack like it’s a token or trophy for them, unlocking a whole bunch of parent headcanons and also, and I know it’s weird to say about a 1 day old baby, infantilising Jack. I think he’s already starting to get an idea of the more complex stuff and a lot of his literal born yesterday mannerisms will disappear as he gets older, since he has an adult intellect to deal with the world, so I’m very curious about his character growth. 

I think it’s just a fandom thing to be eager for the main characters you care about to have fun relationships and the idea of just giving them a kid can be appealing to some people, but it kinda weirds me out. I saw a gifset of the father reveal to Sam captioned with “Sam realises he’s an uncle” and I like that a lot more because it emphasises his brother relationship to Cas, and puts Jack in that context to him. I think since Jack said Cas is his father, “parenting” just means “we are responsible for guiding this young soul” not “I will be his father” and Sam and Dean are basically his uncles, not surrogate fathers, and I’m pretty much just gonna treat it that way, personally, since it’s less skeevy to me. That’s a YMMV thing, though, so I’m not saying you can’t enjoy the dad TFW stuff, I just don’t wanna :P 

(The Claire stuff was different since they didn’t have a whole bunch of responsibility over her and the episodes she was in never made it weird, and it was a side storyline… With this it’s all such high tension it sort of feels to me like I need to draw much stronger lines, especially since with all the fatherhood parallels some/all of TFW are going to be examined through being John at some point or another… There is a LOT more going on with Jack that makes it complicated and fraught :P)

So… uh… tl;dr… I have no idea if I’m even answering your original thought any more :P Idk about the wider fandom of crack posts and cracky art, but I think the meta folks I follow are not being too weird about it or will at least entertain all the posts being critical or introspective about these dynamics and I think some crack posts are just made in the spirit of fun, though it doesn’t help NOT give the impression everyone’s gaga for dad TFW and not being very considerate of the deep dark meta stuff and character angst going on… :P 

[randomnessunicorn-imagine]

Hello again! I once got shipped with Norway for Hetalia and I greatly liked it so I was wondering if I may have a dating scenarios if you wouldn't mind? To recap: I'm a tall brown haired female with blue eyes. I'm a very shy and quiet person with some intellect. Even when I open up I'm quiet. But secretly I'm sarcastic with a dark sense of humor. Also I have low self esteem. I love reading and I'm often seen doing that. (And thank you and I'm sorry if I'm being annoying with all the request!)

{ Hello~Sorry if you waited so long, I hope you will like it-! }

@seven116​ x Lukas Bondevik  ( APH Norway )

💙 FIRST MEETING:

It was a serene morning of November, the winter was just around the corner and so many things were going to happen. This year still deserved new surprises that none could even imagine!You were directed to the library, one of your favourite place, since you loved reading so much and you were sad for all those people who were unable to appreciate a magnificent activity like reading. They had only their life to live while a true reader lived million and million lives, all different and fantastic. “A reader lives a thousand lives before he dies. The man who never reads lives only one.” said George Martin and it was the truth. You have lost the count about all the lives you have already lived. It was never enough!The library was a calm and silent place where persons could enjoy the true meaning of the existence. You were exploring, with your vigilant and curious eyes, all the volumes that were exposed on the shelves. You ended up in an area you have never visited and it was very strange, maybe they had only incremented the choice of the books. There were different volumes about Nordic Myths and History, they seemed very interesting, and some of them were illustrated with fascinating and artistic pictures you found so amazing that you were already flipping without realizing. You did not even notice the thin and silent figure next to you since you were so absorbed in your thoughts. This person was so pale and thoughtful; he seemed a young man, he had two pair of glacial eyes, and he wore a weird navy hat on his blonde head. He did not seem a talkative person and he was limited to observe the books with an apathetic expression. You could not say if he was truly interested and bored, or if was able to move because he seemed immobile and static like he was a statue. A frozen statue.You realized you were staring at him a little too much and it was not so polite, so you looked at the same books he was observing. Maybe you should have read one of them so you raised your hand, reaching one of those volumes. In that moment, the time stood still because it seemed the mysterious man has already grabbed your book so you retired your hand. You just wanted to cheek so you did not care, keeping on looking around. You have not found the perfect book today but that desire of curiosity remained in your mind, and it was because of that cold and enigmatic young man.

💚 SECOND MEETING:

Another month was passed and you have never seen that mysterious person in the library as if it was a sort of apparition, a ghost. He was so pale, almost transparent, maybe…Ah, it could not be truth, it was illogical and he was just a normal guy who did not frequent that library very often like you. Anyway, he left you with a bad taste in your mouth you could not explain. It was like… Discontent with an aftertaste of curiosity. You truly desired to know that person, it seemed he came from a romance, he was just one of those sinister character’s books you could never understand or predict. You wanted to read his mind.Christmas was coming and you were doing your shopping in a mall, this place was full of euphoric people. You had to buy some presents for your friends but you were so unsure so you were looking through the storefronts without caring so much until a group of people caught your attention. They were five and they seem so different from each other. There was one who screamed and laughed a little too much, a cold man with glasses who had a scary look on his face next to another euphoric man, a cold teenager and then… Your eyes went wide open when you noticed that he was there. The mysterious person of the library was there but he did not notice you since his stare seemed contemplating another dimension and galaxy. Nevertheless, chasing after people was not so polite so you decided to return to your business, searching for some gifts for your friends. You entered in the supermarket where there were some Christmas sales. While you were looking for decorations and stuff you met them again, and you found the mysterious man that was observing some fairy and troll’s statues with the same indifferent face of every time. Maybe he was not a happy person even if it was almost Christmas and it was a shame someone could be displeased during this period. You got closer pretending to be interested to those statues and you, after taking all your courage, spoke to him, «Oh, you truly like those things, uhm…? ». Actually, you would have never talked with a person so openly but your curiosity won this battle, this time.His only answer was a nod, a simple nod. He was truly a person of few words and you felt embarrassed. It was still an answer, so mute and cold but an answer! You smiled feeling like an idiot and you wanted to disappear, but you had to say something to him. «Those fairies are really beautiful, they seem like the ones I saw in those books…», you took one of those statutes. Being concentrated to something else, and not to his icy eyes, could help you to gain some calm because the temperature was becoming colder. He was like the winter, glacial and impenetrable.When the situation was becoming difficult, luckily one of his friends came to save you from this embarrassment. Another blonde guy (actually, they were all blonde) appeared and, for the first time, you have noticed a hostile glare in his eyes. The new man was a very tall and noisy person, he posed his hand to Norway’s shoulder speaking, «Oh, Loki, who’s this pretty girl? One of your friend? I’m surprised, I didn’t believe a snowman like you could have a friend.», then he started laughing and you presented yourself telling your name and that you were not exactly his friend, you met Norway only one time in the library, and you found him here for a coincidence. «Anyway, my name is not Loki. It’s Lukas! », it was the first time he spoke and his voice was so soft and cold just like a snowflake. He seemed so angry with the other guy for reasons unknown for you. «My name is Mathias, it’s your pleasure. », the other man said and then he turned to Lukas, asking, «Why don’t you invite your special friend at the Christmas Dinner? If she’s free, I think Tino would be happy. More people, more fun~», Mathias declared starting to laugh and you blushed a little for the way he said “special friend” like you and Lukas were dating but this was the second time you saw him.Then, you met all his family and all of them seemed glad Norway found a friend and they were surprised about it. You were right thinking he was so cold and mysterious, he appeared so solitaire and smart and now you were more curious than before and you had no other choice to accept their invitation to join them at Christmas. You could pass to say hello and your parents would have not been so angry if you would have presented a little late to the Christmas Party.

💛 DATE:

After some days, you found Lukas in the library and you were so surprised to see him there. You could not think he was there for you but he approached you. His posture was still rigid and steady. Then, he started spoke with a softer voice than the harsher one he used with Mathias last time and he lost that hostile glare. He returned calm and polite like his usual.«I am mortified for the unappropriated behaviour Mathias got, he’s just a problematic child. », he meant he got some mental problems but it was clear Lukas did not like so much Mathias. «Oh, don’t worry… He was kinda funny, I didn’t feel uncomfortable. », he seemed shocked by your answer and you noticed one of his eyebrows rising for the confusion. He just nodded and maybe it was your time to start a conversation because he was not going to speak again. Then, you asked him some information about those fairies and if he found them interesting or if he believed in them. You said the first thing crossed your mind but it seemed it was an argument he found interesting and he spoke more than his usual, and he was so informed about it so you asked him if he could give you some advices about some books you could read and he suggested you some Nordic’s authors. After some while, you understood that it was not the perfect place to speak, even if you were the one who spoke the most, so you asked to Lukas if he wanted to take a coffee with you to continue the conversation. This person was too elusive and maybe you would not have another occasion to spend some time with him. Like always, he nodded and you felt the luckiest person of the world. It was just a nod but it was something and he appeared to be a sincere guy, he would have said “no” if he did not want to stay with you so you were acting good. You did not know if you should have considered it like a true date since you were not sure about his feelings and it was a miracle if he saw you like a friend and it seemed he did not like having people around and he was too much introvert. Anyway, this almost date went better than you supposed and the two of you talked about so many arguments. Actually, you were the one who communicated the most and he nodded every time, but you found his way to nod so cute so you did not complain.After that day, you met Lukas more often in the library and the two of you keep each other company reading together, it was so funny and relaxing. Sometimes, you lost yourself studying his fascinating and placid form while he read, and you kept having the same sensation in your heart. The same sensation when a person found itself in front of the mystery of the world.

💜 CONFESSION:

This winter brought to you so many new things and surprises and you kept dating Lukas. It seemed he appreciated your company and even his family was surprised seeing him less solitaire and he went outside a little more but the places you and he visited were the calmest and quietest because he did not like noisy and crowed environments so most of your dates took place in the library or in the park. One time, he brought you to skating, you remained enchanted by his talent, and he moved with the same grace and agility of a flying bird. The other guy, the one Norway disliked so much, that Danish man, called you as “Luka’s girlfriend” despite the Norwegian kept defining you like a friend and nothing more but he was not an affectionate guy and he cared a lot to know well a person before he could define someone in an intimate way. Mathias said you have worked a sort of miracle because Lukas was more alive than before and he always appeared like a piece of ice. Despite his coldness, you felt so comfortable with Lukas because he was very polite and respectful. He always treated you with kindness and care in his glacial ways, and it was perfect for your shyness because you were sure he was not going to be rude or weird. Then, he did not speak too much and he was the perfect listener even if he did not give you advises because he thought you had already the solution of your problem but you have not found it yet. Then, you could not live without his nods and you were sure he always paid attention to your discourses and he never lied. He talked not so much, but he always told the truth, and, because of his calm and low voice, even the cruellest truth appeared so harmless and placid if it was pronounced by his mouth.These were all the reasons why you truly loved him but you have never confessed it for not ruining the actual relationship. One day, it was snowing and the atmosphere was so magical and spectacular, you and he was watching this natural show and the snow posed on your nose. It was cold and beautiful just like him, but you preferred to stay in silence. After some while, you felt something. Lukas was holding your hand, this gesture was so sweet and unexpected. Nothing has been told but you already knew. Sometimes, those little gestures told so much more than a thousand mere words.

[thetraumadiaries]

My experience with MDMA & PTSD

So let me tell you about the first time I made a major breakthrough with my PTSD.

It's the first time I felt like I was capable of healing. What I'm about to say may be controversial, and perhaps not all of you will respect my decision, nor do the same thing I did. In fact, I am not trying to encourage you to do what I did, but I just want to come out and be honest about how I felt.

Anyway.

For years, I've been the kind of girl that's very "against" drugs. Well, I didn't have a problem with people that chose to do it, but I could see their suffering and reliance and I did not want to become weakened by a substance, or reliant on it. I am an incredibly resilient person. Heck, I don't even take painkillers when I need them. But for a while, the idea of drugs scared me because of their dangers. Also, the social stigma made me really adamant on staying away from them.

Of course, when I turned 20 I did try marijuana for the first time. Tbh, I didn't even really enjoy it. It made me ridiculous, silly and paranoid. It enhanced the overthinking parts of my brain. A few years later, I decided to try it again... this time I had sex while being high. It was actually a great experience. It was fun. But meh, it wasn't really something I cared for tbh. At the time, that was the "hardest" drug I'd ever do. I'm glad I tried it, but I vowed not to do anything else.

You see, my mother has paranoid schizophrenia. We aren't sure what triggered it in her... perhaps it was having me after 3 miscarriages before. I wasn't meant to be born.

Maybe it was the way my uncle treated her as a child, and how horrible people were to her. Maybe it was her own traumatic experiences time after time.

Either way, I grew up with a crazy mom.

It was hard. I won't explain the details of that today, but of course, you can understand my hesitation and fear of drugs after growing up with a mother like that. No, my mom never did any drugs. But knowing that schizophrenia COULD be hereditary and that drugs CAN trigger it, means it is a very real risk for me.

After university and postgrad, I had a friend who tried to talk to me about drug therapy. I was very open about what I was going through on Instagram & Facebook. But I kept explaining to him that I have a very good reason not try any substances. He was telling me how MDMA research had found breakthroughs with PTSD. This is when I had just started suspecting that I had a severe case of PTSD, but wasn't yet diagnosed. Honestly, when he was talking to me, I didn't even know what MDMA was. I didn't know what ecstacy really did to people. Or meth. Or cocaine. Or heroine. I just knew that they could ruin people's lives - and that the risk to me is the greatest. So I brushed him off, educated him on my schizophrenic parent, and was adamantly against was he was saying.

But I have to say, I think that knowledge haunted me subconsciously.

Half a year later, I made some new friends when I was on my way to go clubbing with my girls. I really like to dance, and these new friends - two guys - they noticed that. They told me that I should come raving with them, and that I'd really enjoy it. I honestly knew nothing about raves, but being a metalhead for so long, I've also been exposed to harder styles of EDM and was interested in it. I decided to go with them. They offered me M but I declined, of course. I didn't explain my reasons right away, but they respected me for it & it was a great time.

I wanted to go again to another event. I was also interested in the guy that invited me. But he told me something that was strange. He said he doesn't feel comfortable around sober people when he raves. I thought that was some weird af guilt-tripping bullshit tbh. So I explained my reason and TBH, I always have a good time sober. I'm just as happy and fun and crazy as everyone else! But sure, whatever...maybe I didn't "tap into" whatever they did.

So we all went to another event. It was good. But I started growing more and more curious. My PTSD was actually getting worse. A few months before these raves, I got raped.. and I hadn't healed properly. I even lost my job because I wasn't able to focus on both a criminal investigation, how I felt and doing my daily tasks. I didn't even look for a new job in this time. I was so lost, going through so much. I think I really just wanted someone to talk to who wouldn't blame me or question the logic of what happened. But heck, I couldn't afford therapy. I didn't even have the energy to make the phone call to get help. But I really needed help. So I kept talking to this guy. He was nice to me and would talk to me, having "real" conversations with me (not like the BS small talk that most Toronto fuckboys engage in). Looking back, I think I liked him because I felt like I could heal through him. This was a mistake, of course. But it's okay, we live and we learn.

Now comes the good part. The first breakthrough.

Dreams Festival was around the corner, and since I'd been exposed to all my friends on M at every rave, I was really thinking about it a lot. I had done some research and read that M with assisted psychotherapy really did do wonders for PTSD. Of course, I didn't have a psychotherapist... but I was curious. What if I did just a little bit? Just a tiny amount.

The guy I was seeing - he would make his own pills. So he could tell me exactly how much is in each of them, and customize it for me. I told him I wanted to try it... but I didn't want to do it both days of the festival. Just one. I read and saw my friends go through a lot of the side effects and a lot of the highs, and they educated me a lot on it. So I think I was okay.

Day 1 was great, but Day 2 is when I popped for the first time.

I only took 0.10, but man... it was enough. Believe me. When I started rolling, it was like...

I didn't even know I was capable of feeling that way. It was as though a HUGE weight that I'd been carrying for my whole life was literally lifted off my shoulders. The sun was setting and it felt so good on my skin. They kept telling me to put my sunglasses on, but I didn't want to. I wanted to look at the sunset, and feel the warmth on my face. I didn't have a fear in the world.

And that was profound.

I didn't feel any fear. For the first time in my life.

I wasn't scared or worried about ANYTHING. I had no stress. I wasn't thinking about anything bad that had happened.

So I started crying. I was fucking balling my eyes out. I didn't know it was possible to feel this way. I didn't even know that hope existed. I didn't know what recovery felt like. But feeling that... made it all possible. I realized that it was actually possible for me to feel that way sober. The "real me" came out. I realized that there was a kind of "fear cloud" haunting me, and that I just need to separate myself from it to feel good and heal.

It was magical. This realization was the biggest epiphany I've ever had in my life.

I was okay. I was REALLY okay... and I would continue to be if I can remember how to do that again.

I just have to remember....

Since that amazing night, I got A LOT better. It was like 6 sessions of therapy, I swear. Don't get me wrong- the "fear cloud" definitely came back LOL. & I'm still damaged af. But tbh, I learned a lot and I can tap into that experience to help myself move forward.

The best part is, I had no come down and I didn't even crave the feeling of being high like that again. Just that one experience was enough for me to know that I'll be okay, but that it's going to take a lot of pro-activeness for me to get there.

And so I've been working hard at psychoanalyzing myself, and keeping my mental health in check.

When I break down, it gets REALLY bad. But I can tap into that and talk myself out of the overwhelming negative memories and bad thoughts that stop me from sleeping. It doesn't go away completely, but it really does help a lot. I'm not a lost cause anymore. I'm not bad anymore.

I'm not the way I was last summer.

And well, there you have it.

That's just one baby step in a life long journey of healing from PTSD.