#it's the grief of not being the person you wanted to be

[dammit-tazmuir]

@grievingbovine I am always happy to gush about Paul ;w;

Also I feel like... I'm not sure if it's more "codependency isn't always bad" or "codependency is a term we've grown to use too liberally when what should actually be the defining factor isn't the behaviors involved but whether or not those are actually hurting the people involved" or something in between or adjacent to that. It also feels like there might be kinda two definitions people use interchangeably? One being the more medical term and the other a looser thing of like, deeply dependent on each other.

But semantics aside I know what you mean, and yeah.

It is, generally speaking, unhealthy to be SO dependent on a SPECIFIC person that you can't live without them. Cam and Pal post-explosion had a very unique situation, whereas for most cases in real life, it's better to at least like... need SOMEONE, a purpose, a cause, but also be capable of seeking a new one if you lose that, after time to process and grief. A Camilla whose whole life revolved around Palamedes but didn't get him back learning to live again for Nona, as a hypothetical, or Harrow who would not let herself survive alone but can live for God and for Gideon and for Alecto and for the memory of those lost to conceive her and who may find other purposes still. Ofc no one is arguing Harrow is healthy about that, but like, if you CAN'T find an internal sense of worth, a purely external one is still infinitely better and healthier than none!

It feels very silly but a straight up life-changing thing for me as someone who does the same shit was the anime Gurren Lagann throwing around the phrase, "believe in the me who believes in you." Over time it morphed into "believe in the you that I believe in", and ultimately into having genuinely self-assurance, but taking even one or two of those steps is like... YEAH? Yeah! You know? External validation can be so meaningful and powerful, and isn't antithetical to internal by any means. If you can find it in even a handful of different sources, even better. A thing I try to tell people a lot when it comes to mental health too is you don't have to Get Better to get BETTER. It's not "you're unhealthy and must be fixed" or "you're 100% healthy in all ways". Less unhealthy and more functional than you were is amazing and to be celebrated actually!!!

But at the same time?

Ya know, no, I agree, I DON'T think it's a bad thing to need to NOT be ALONE. I understand the importance of being capable of surviving alone, at least long enough to seek new connections. And living for a person or cause is always easier than dying for them ("you could have lived for her, but you didn't know how"...), especially if you're living for their memory after they're gone, but people should try to do it anyway! But to just..... want to be devoted to someone? To thrive on supporting or caring for other people???

That's not what I'd call "toxic codependency", that's humans being a social species. Hell, that's looking at stories and seeing how many supporting characters are vital to helping a hero succeed and deciding "that sounds awesome actually! Not everyone needs to be the hero, I would love to be a supporting character!" Especially when you're not losing sight of your own needs in the process.

Like... Sacrifice and martyr mentality can be horrible destructive things that do more harm than good, but sacrifice is also objectively a major way people show love. Parents doing without a little more to make sure their kids get something nice, someone doing a chore they don't like because they know their partner hates it more, etc. The difference between "my needs aren't important, I'm not important, I'll always prioritize others because I don't take care of myself in general" and "I have weighed the pros and cons and decided that I can handle this and wish to put someone else first in this situation" is not always apparent from the outside but it's an extremely important distinction. There's a difference between being needlessly reckless and hard on yourself versus making a decision to achieve an end you want even though it costs you something.

Cam trying to hide how rough carrying Pal was on her wasn't her being needlessly reckless, it was her being a stubborn bitch who knows she's tough as hell. If anything people have more grounds to criticize her going against Pal's interests and wishes by not giving him information he needed to make properly informed decisions! To think that he was in any way taking advantage of her when she'd have found a way to kick his ass if he'd tried to force her to stop is wild lmao. (Not to mention Pal literally killing himself— he was still Around but objectively dead all the same!— in the "dying for someone is the cruelest thing you could do to them" book. Like he ain't making big sacrifices fueled by his love for and trust in her too smh.)

And honestly? Yeah that does sound like the kind of thing that could save the world. Our world would be a better place with less people striving to be main characters and more people eager to support each other. More people should be saying "No you will let me help you, you son of a bitch. Don't you dare tell me it's Too Much." >:( So many people are afraid of Being A Burden but more people need to understand— from the perspective of the person with that fear and as friends wishing to help someone who has that fear— that only the person offering help can decide what is A Burden to them! It's not the other person's decision to make!

Palamades didn't have a right to tell Camilla not to push herself to keep him around when that was her choice, and anyone fearing their loved ones sacrifice too much for them don't have a right to tell them to love them less, either. Sometimes— often, really— the alternative is worse. And part of me has to wonder if some people are averse to acknowledging that because if they did, then they'd have to acknowledge that letting someone else help you can be actively beneficial to them, and constantly refusing to ask for or accept help is in turn actively depriving them of something that would help them too. <.< Too bad everyone, gotta let people love you.

Locked tomb hot takes:

Insisting that the birth of Paul is only a tragedy because of the uneven power dynamics between Palamedes and Camilla as Necro and Cav invalidates Camillas autonomy and undermines her as a character capable of making her own decisions. It also undermines Palamedes constantly checking for consent. He understands more than most that there is an uneven power dynamic and actively works to respect her autonomy as much as he can while also respecting their bond/positions as necro and cav.

In a world where those who identify as men have no natural power over those who identify as women or neither, we can not apply the same cisheteronormative expectations of male behavior to male characters.

Camilla made every. Single. Choice. Willingly. She had reasons for it, and Palamedes respected that more than readers seem to. We get plenty of examples.

"What would you do if you discovered Camilla was a murderer?”

“Help her bury the body,” said Palamedes promptly.

“Sextus.”

“I mean it. If Camilla wants someone dead,” he said, “then far be it from me to stand in her way. All I can do at that point is watch the bloodshed and look for a mop. One flesh, one end, and all that.”

GtN chapter 30

NtN chapter 17

The relationship between these two may be codependent, but it's predicated on trust and consent. The whole way through. This is the life Cam wants to live. Becoming Paul was what *she wanted*.

I find it strange that some people think they know what's best for her more than she does, just because she's a cavalier.

[rizzanon]

omg! some focus on our girls!.

Stephanie and Batsis!readers relationship… it hurts so much.

Batsis was normal almost opened to Steph in the beginning. likely because Steph was not only outside of the family, outside of the people she needed to prove herself too but Steph was another girl struggling to be a vigilante just like her, that with the fact Batsis saved Steph in their first meeting likely soothed a lot of her insecurity because she was helpful and capable for once. it was a nearly perfect opportunity for Batsis to make a friend in her vigilante life, to have someone in her corner who could resonate with her, who she didn’t have to prove herself too… only for all that to come crashing down when Steph was chosen to be batgirl… for someone she had thought she was on the same level with maybe even slightly higher then to suddenly “be chosen over her” it triggered that same negative self image that had originally been absent in her relationship with Steph except so much worse because now she isn’t just shadow boxing now she has actual competition, one who has already won over her.

the fact that the actual reason Steph was chosen was due to Batsis degrading mental health in self-endangerment only makes this worse for her. grief can often time exacerbate already existing mental health issues like insecurity, feeling like if you were stronger or smarter, if you were better that who you lost would still be alive are so common and being a vigilante would only add “credibility” to those thoughts. if you’re fighting to save lives then how come you couldn’t have saved your loved ones?. those heightened negative feelings leading her to misconstrue why Steph was chosen to be batgirl making her unable that it was in part for her own safety even when directly told fully believing she was being lied to and seen as lesser.

all of that leads to her shutting out and lashing out at that one person she previously didn’t seem to feel a need to prove herself to, the one person who could understand her, the one person who seemed to have believed she was fit for the role as batgirl from the start who never doubted her before. Batsis’ own negative self image completely destroys her relationship with someone who believed in her and who she believed in. turning it into a competition turning that girl she could’ve built a bond with into nothing more then someone she needs to prove herself better then.

Stephanie seemed to truly believe in batsis despite noticing her flaws from their very first interaction. Steph knew Batsis wasn’t flawless and yet still clearly respected her, despite not wanting her help, because she related, she too wasn’t the best and need to improve, to Steph Batsis was someone who has more experience then her in the field of vigilantism but still reachable someone she could connect with, someone who had extended her belief, belief in her skills, in her determination, belief in her. and Steph extended it that belief back. she believed in Batsis, and it seems she still does even the tinniest bit.

Steph seemed so excited to show Batsis, her as batgirl. almost as if she was saying “look i’ve caught up with you now!” “we’re matching!” possibly thinking that them sharing the batgirl moniker would bring them closer together deepen their connection only for it to destroy it.

to suddenly be faced with such anger and accusation by someone who you were forming a bond with must’ve hurt so much. for someone who had once offered you such unwavering belief to view as nothing but competition, an obstacle they need to overcome, someone they need to knock down someone they need to be above… would be agonizing. not just losing their belief in you but gaining near condemnation as if they want nothing more then to see you fail all while accusing you of trying to hurt them of trying to replace them as seeing them as lesser…

Steph was just trying to prove herself, trying to find her place and unknowingly pushed Batsis out of the one she was trying to carve for herself.

Barbra was trying to help, both girls needed a guide, both were trying to prove themselves, trying to find their places, they needed to, they both needed help… and were equally deserving of it. but realistically Babs could only supply an adequate level of help to one. she could’ve and should’ve tried to do more for Batsis but there’s only so much one person could do. it was one or the other and Barbara knew that. she only likely knew that what Batsis was going through was much more then she was equipped to handle especially when she was also in charge of helping Steph. she could’ve and should’ve done more for batsis even if it was only ten precent more but she couldn’t have done much on her own…

it would need to be a group effort and unfortunately due to the circumstances it wasn’t very feasible but they still should’ve tried should’ve done something…

anyway thats it for todays amateur dyslexic analysis hour. babs section could be better but i need to sleep, i’ll domore when i get more scenes of her.

LITERALLY COULDN’T HAVE SAID IT ANY BETTER 🥹 i have to admit, steph and reader’s relationship became more complex than i intended for it to, but i think it fits well with the story now so im happy with that. you’re so right by saying that Steph was outside of the family and outside of the people reader needed to prove herself to. Steph was another girl struggling to be a vigilante just like her, which is why there was a chance for them to bond over, but all of it was ruined when steph became batgirl whilst reader was benched. reader being benched didn’t help with her growing insecurities and need for validation/to prove herself, and it only intensified seeing how someone else “stole” her role, the one thing she was trying to prove herself with.

as for babs, she was trying to help both girls, but she inevitably spent more time on steph and left reader alone. i agree that babs definitely could have handled it better, but for the sake of the plot we move on. i’d like to think that babs didn’t realise how vital her role is in reader’s life as a guide/mentor and a role model (considering she’s the first batgirl and the one who set the standards—very much like dick with robin) the person taking up the mantle after the first person set very high standards for it definitely don’t have it easy lol

there will be more of barbara and reader’s relationship explored in chapter 7, so hopefully you’ll look forward to that and babs owning up to her mistakes and seeing where she went wrong..! 🤭

[dragonfly0808]

Hiatus

So… this is a post I’ve been debating with myself these past 2/3 weeks on whether to make or not.

Some of yall may have noticed that I’ve been taking quite a few breaks from s4 and I have unfortunately just finally allowed myself to acknowledge that I’ve hit a bit of a writing block when it comes to my Winx Club rewrite.

I’ve had a few frustrations during s4 (even though I’ve managed to keep my writing up to my own personal standards, it’s been very difficult) and- despite being halfway through the season, unlike past seasons I still have no idea what I’m going to do with s5 and it’s just been getting to me.

And now I am forced to accept that if I keep forcing myself to churn out chapters and stressing out over keeping you all waiting until I’m satisfied with every chapter, the only thing I’ll do is kill my creativity and my love for this rewrite.

I’ve been working on this rewrite for nearly 3 years and it kinda low-key shames me to say that I am officially placing it on hiatus.

To me ‘taking a break’ and ‘hiatus’ are 2 completely different things, I know I’ve taken breaks before but I always had some vague idea of when I’d return but this time… I just don’t know.

I have been working on my Original Novel and works for other fandoms that have just been filling me with inspiration in a way I haven't been able to feel with Winx Club for a bit now.

I hope I have built up enough trust over these past 3 years for you all to believe me when I say that I will be back. I am not the type to leave things unfinished, especially a story that means so much to me and that I am so very proud of and that has helped me grow so much as a writer and has helped me get through some difficult times and express certain emotions and grief in a way I never could’ve if I hadn’t dived into this 3 long years ago.

I was really hoping to post chapters for Xmas and New Years as I have past years but I just can’t- HOWEVER, on January 28th, the third anniversary of Veiled Wings and Shattered Panoramas, I will post… something. I don’t know if it will be a chapter or not but I will do something for the anniversary.

If you wanna know what I’ll be up to; I will be working on my Original Novel since I have finally landed on exactly what idea I want to work on. I will also be working on 2 projects, one for ATLA (Zutara post-canon self-indulgent thingy) and another one that I honestly don’t know if I’ll go through with since it’d be a pretty big project and I’m still thinking about how I’d go about it, but that I am very inspired and excited about.

So yeah, thank you all for your never ending support and- again, I WILL BE BACK, this is not an abandonment of the rewrite, it’s just me having to prioritize my mental health and protect both my love for writing and my love for the rewrite. I’ll be going through my inbox this next week and answer a bunch of stuff that I just haven’t really looked through in a while.

Thank you so much for understanding and for your support. I hope you will wait for the return of the rewrite and that maybe you will give my other projects a chance when I post them. I will be posting a lot of my inner thoughts on the rewrite and my other projects chapters + thoughts on my Ko-fi if you wanna check that out.

I wish you all Happy Holidays!

With eternal love and gratitude,

Yours Truly, Dragonfly

[katiascraft]

✐ᝰ "You knew all too well i was right where you left me" | CL16 ࣪𓏲ּ ᥫ᭡ ₊

parings: retired!charles leclerc x writer!ex!reader

series summary: It’s the story of a woman frozen in the moment her world fell apart. A perfect dinner ended with, “I met someone else,” and while everyone moved on, she remained stuck in that instant, unable to let go of the past. A poignant tale of heartbreak, grief, and the weight of being trapped in a “forever” that never was.

‎[one / two / three / four / current / six...]

chapter five

"there'll be happiness after you but there was happiness because of you too"

word count: 6k.

BLOG MASTERLIST - series masterlist

⋆˚࿔ i did something bad 𝜗𝜚˚⋆

The kiss that started sweet and gentle turned into a passionate and steamy kiss in a fraction of a second. Franco felt kind of desperate. And to be fair, he was. He has waited his whole life for this moment to happen. Or at least all of these years since he met you. But he was convinced he won’t ever feel like this for any other girl in his entire life. He dated girls, fucked a few, played with them sometimes, tried to make it work. But none of them felt like you, laughed like you, thought like you, joked like you. None of them were you. And what was the craziest thing to him was that he had never tasted you. Not like this. He felt raised to heaven blessed by the gods. He felt like a kid who behaved properly and Santa brought him all of the presents he asked for during the year. A dream came true.  

His hands were all over your back and hips. His touch was warm and determined. He felt like he wanted to remember how you felt, the shape of you under his touch, how your skin felt, how warm he made you feel. 

His kisses were tracing a road down your neck. His lips were soft and wet. They made your skin crawl. Your fingers in his hair and shoulders trying to remain stood under his embrace. His skin was soft and his perfume was leaving you drunker by its whiskey scent. That smell defined him very well in your opinion. His skin was on fire. You couldn’t help but feel things you aren’t supposed to feel with your best friend. Well, you were doing things you’re not supposed to do with your bestie either. 

Your breath was heavy. Your heart rate elevated. He came back to your lips and the way he kisses you gently again burnt your body. You felt a heat you haven’t felt in a long time for anyone. If you didn’t remember to be this intense before. Franco was franco. And that implied that everything was different. Unique. He wasn’t like other guys. I mean, he was the most cheerful guy you have ever met. You couldn’t stop laughing around him. It  was impossible not to or have a serious conversation. But at the same time he was such a great listener. When you told him about Charles that you ended up crying, he was the most comforting person. You knew at that moment your friendship made a turn. A turn into one of the most precious relationships you have in your life. He was so comprehensive. It is actually so rare to meet someone like that in this fucked up society these days. 

And for some reason or maybe for all of those reasons, this felt really wrong. You didn’t want to hurt him. You always knew he liked you, of course you did. It was obvious. The way he looked at you. All out of context presents or compliments. All of his invitations to every grand prix during the year. The facetime calls at random times in the day just to check in. and you liked all of that but always tried to make sure you didn’t play with his feelings. Respecting spaces and distances. Codes. He was really important to you, you just couldn’t risk him just like that. Just for a kiss or sex. He deserved to be so happy with someone 100% into him. And you kinda hated destiny for making him like you when you were stuck with Charles and always into someone else (even failing every time). 

But now you hate yourself even more. Not only because you liked to torture yourself in a really twisted way. But also because you were actually kissing him and touching him in not a friendly way. Not the way you’re supposed to touch him. Or to kiss him. Or to spend your time with him. This was so wrong. You knew this would lead to drama. And the worst part is that you couldn’t stop. And maybe you didn’t want to. And why didn’t you? What is your brain planning to do? Making every situation you’re in worse than the previous one. 

And it was the worst scenario possible. You don’t know how you both ended up in Franco's room. His shirt was already off. Your lips were kissing his stomach going down. It was the best situation for him, that’s for sure. You promised to never get this drunk ever again. You stood up after reaching his boxers with your lips. And kissed him again like you wanted to rescued yourself from fuck it all up but at the same time not stopping at all. You were driving Franco insane and for a moment he felt a bit empty. Was this the beginning of something? Or was it just a once in a lifetime night? Thinking about all of this started hunting him. You have never given him signs that you liked him back. But you were one of his best friends. His hands grabbed your head possessively bringing you closer to him starting to lead you to his bed. You followed him, letting him do whatever he wanted with you. 

Were you ready to do this again? 

Surprising as it may sound, you haven’t had sex in a very long time. You liked to have fun with yourself and explore yourself. But it was hard for you to feel something towards someone and desire them this way. Because the only one who used to turn you on was charles. And there he was again in your head. He was always there hunting you. Franco pushed you softly into his bed climbing up on you. And that’s when you woke up from this trance you couldn’t quite comprehend. He was about to undress you when you pushed him again as softly as you could because you were now exasperated about the situation you put yourself under. Franco looked at you scared. He felt he has really fucked it up. 

“y/n i’m sorry, please. Perdon, I didn't mean to.. I’m sorry” he said, getting up and pulling his shirt on again as fast as he could. You tried to adjust yourself heading out the bedroom. You couldn’t face him now. You felt terrible about yourself. You didn’t know how to handle this situation. You were too drunk. But you also knew you wouldn’t know how to deal with this sober either. “y/n wait, please. Let’s talk” he could grab your hand to stop you from leaving the bedroom making you face him. You felt so embarrassed. You felt like a monster. You looked at his face. He was such a good guy and yet here you are about to break his heart. Why didn’t you stop? Why did you let him do this? You knew it was not only your responsibility, it was his as well but still. 

“I'm sorry fran, this shouldn’t have happened. I'm really sorry” when you said those words you could see how his face changed into a one that even broke your heart. He dropped your hand. He knew. He fucking knew you didn’t like him. Then why would you do this? And on his birthday?

You sprinted out of that room immediately. We can say you almost ran away from him. But the reality was that you wanted to run away from yourself and your stupid ass decisions who fucked everything up each single time. The hallway down to where the party was being held never felt so infinite. You knew your anxiety was becoming a bit too much for you at that moment. Catastrophic scenarios were playing on and on in your mind as you took each step down the stairs. The pressure in your chest increases when you see the people at the party. You felt like they were looking at you, judging. Laughing in your face. Howpathetic could you be? Not getting over your only ex fro more than 10 years, then almost fuck your friend thhat you wasn’t sure if you liked him like that for real or not,  then wanting to be over everything and then fucking everything up. You didn't know how to handle these situations. You felt like a teenager again. Too many mistakes. Too confusing. That made you feel ashamed of yourself. You were a 32 years old woman, acting like 17 years old, fucking up friendships while you couldn’t stop thinking of your ex. And that’s when you wanted to throw up. 

You didn’t want to find your friends. You didn’t want to tell them how you fuck it up with the one guy (once again) that is good for you. How you wasted his time and feelings. You felt like a monster. Like you played with him on purpose even if you actually didn’t want to. You were way too harsh on yourself sometimes. You needed to get out of there just like you got away when you first saw Charles again in that restaurant (or well, now it’s a coffee shop). 

It was running away from your fears, you couldn’t confront them. It was running away from you. You hated yourself. You couldn’t think straight and clear about yourself most of the time. The only moment you trusted yourself was when writing. And you also doubted yourself very much on it. You couldn’t win. Your self-confidence didn’t exist. You were sure about it. People were dancing while you were pushing them a bit to walk through the party out to the garden. You need fresh air in your brain as soon as possible. Or you were about to become insane if you didn’t. People said things to you but you didn’t hear. Your eyes locked on the floor. Your stomach was in your throat. The image of Charles stuck in your brain. 

I met someone. I met someone. I met someone. I met someone. I met someone. 

His lips moved, pronouncing those damn three words to your face. As if they were nothing. As if you were nothing at all for him. And maybe you were. You couldn’t imagine Franco saying those things to you, for example. Or maybe men were equal? Maybe you needed to experiment with girls. Maybe they are less complicated and more open. But maybe you were the problem. Too many thoughts per second. You jumped out of every single boat you ended up in. You didn’t know anymore. In your brain, things are too complicated and you know all too well you will need years to repair the damage made to it. From your dad and mum, to Charles and every single other guy you mate. To Franco and to this balcony where you would find someone maybe ready to love you like you matter, like you deserve to feel loved, like you’re amazing and beautiful. Then you were sure you were completely insane. There was no way you were always thinking about someone saving you from yourself. But there you were hoping to meet the love of your life in that gallery outside the party in Franco's house. Maybe writing and your imagination was rotting your brain. You thought about retiring and working in a library as a normal person would do. You didn’t know why you were thinking all of these things suddenly. 

Maybe you were tired and frustrated. You just gave up when you finally got to the garden. The cold air of London fills your lungs, helping you with your anxiety. Your body heat dropped. Your sweaty hands got dry and cold. Your nose is red. Your eyes closed. You were doing your breathing meditation. Your heart palpitations didn’t stop though. And they were fast. Faster than Charles getting over you and everything you built. Faster than you ruining the friendship with franco. Faster than you waiting for someone to save you. Your life sucked. You really didn’t want to think about it like that. But you did. Most times you just couldn't see positive things in it. You felt like a failure. A loser. You didn’t have a lover nor a family. A loser that’s what you were. A complete failure. You had almost no family as well. No father, no mother. Just a brother and a sister who lived on the other side of the world and barely talked to you. Your only family was agostina, your best friend. And she was everything you were not. She has the perfect lover with whom she built a beautiful family of five. Her kids were lovely. She was gorgeous and the greatest person you knew. She was exactly everything you were not. But you didn't hate her. Of course you didn't. You would never think of her like that. It made you as sad as happy for her. Sad for you. Happy for her. 

Why can’t you live something like that? 

“Hey, you okay?” you jumped a little scared because of the sudden interruption to your thoughts and sadness. You turned to your side to find that guy. I think it was Lando's name or something like that Nikola said a few hours ago. When he brought you back to reality you realized you were crying hard. Your face bathed in tears. Cold and puffy. His face was concerned. His eyes are shiny, so blue and green. You found his face so pretty to look at. Alcohol was still in your veins, otherwise you wouldn’t be here crying so dramatically. You would try to hide it. Always. 

⋆˚࿔ let it happen 𝜗𝜚˚⋆

Your eyes were on his eyes. Yours were red and puffy. His red is tired and shiny. You stayed in silence for a moment. You answered his question when he saw your face. Something in him cracked for some reason. Oh, he did know you very well. He saw you on that balcony and now that he has you right in front of him, he couldn’t believe you being more beautiful than on that day, but you actually are. He promised Charles he wouldn’t even try but he talked to Carlos about it. Carlos wanted Charles to move on but he was making a move on you and was crossing the line. 

He looked down to his water bottle on his right hand. “Do you want some? Maybe you feel better” he said with a deep voice. He was nervous as hell. Alcohol in his veins as like in yours. He saw your smile. Your face was so pretty. You looked so cute with the boca juniors shirton. He had one as well. He didn’t think they were his colors, blue and yellow, not his thing. But you looked so pretty in them. All of the girls at the party were dressed looking hot as hell. But you and your friends looked cute. Relaxed outfits for the win. And that made you look all so attractive or at least for him. He recognized you a few hours ago. He was kinda shocked to see you there because he has never seen you near franco like ever. You didn’t go to the races nor comment on Franco's posts. Or anything at all. Then here you are. He saw kissing him. He saw you two going up the stairs. Alcohol didn’t let him analizy things properly even if he tried his best in doing so. 

Your fingers that grabbed the bottle from his hand, brushed his sending electricity throughout his arm. He smiled gently at you watching you drink from it. 

“Thank you, and sorry you had to see me cry” you told him, giving his bottle back and he smiled so pretty, shaking his head. You found him so attractive. You were just trying not to be so obvious. Also, you were worried to look like a slut if he saw you kissing Franco before. But why did you care so much? Why were you thinking all of these things about him? 

“Oh no, don’t be sorry. You still look cute tho” he said giggling a bit making you laugh a bit as well. You shook your head not agreeing with him. 

“Thank you again, but no need to lie about that tho” you told him a little funny. 

“I promise I'm not lying. You're pretty even crying” he confessed, making you blush. “You okay? Need to talk or something?” he asked to checkon you even if you were strangers. “Im lando by the way” he introduced himself so this wasn’t that weird. 

“I’m y/n. Nice to meet you. I think I'm better now, I just made a lot of stupid decisions throughout my life that now alcohol just reminds me how much of a loser I am” you were honest. More honest than you would be with anyone. You just blamed the alcohol. 

“Hey, I don't think you’re a loser y/n. I mean, I know we don’t know each other at all. But for me, you don’t look like a loser at all” he expressed. You looked out to the garden in front of you a bit ashamed. 

“Appearances can lie, you know? I’m a loser, I promise you. I’m still stuuckin a fucking restaurante knowing all too well i should’ve move on years ago. But here I am. Fucking up friendships and any opportunity i have to get better and be happy. I just hate myself so much. I won’t ever be happy” you gave up. You no longer cared about what people would think. You didn’t care if he thought you were crazy for telling him so much private stuff. You barely know his name. But there you were comfortable enough to confess your depression to him. He analyzed you. Every detail of your face. Each word you used to describe yourself. 

“I don’t think that makes you a loser still. I think you’re brave enough to tell a stranger how you feel and in my opinion, that takes strength and confidence. And i think you will be happy, you just need to let yourself be” his words hung on the air between you two. Why was a stranger talking to her? Why was he saying things she needed to here? Why his words were important? You were sure he  knew how much of a mess you were. It shows. You were sure. But still he was here. Right when you want someone here waiting for you ready to save you.  Is this who will save you? Are you out of your mind for thinking like this about him? 

Delusion was thinking he will be just like charles wright? You had no idea who this guy was but still you compared him to charles. Because you didn’t want to date Charles again or anyone like him. Or did you? You didn’t know how you felt about all of this. About charles. About yourself. About this guy you don't even know and you want him already to save you just because he called you brave and strong and pretty. Was that really enough for you? Was that the standard you had for yourself? He could be a serial killer right? But you could save him. He could love you. And you would forget about charles. About his touch. About his voice and laugh. About his jokes and moans. About his perfume. About his family and friends. About his cars. About everything related to him. 

But was it fair to love someone to stop loving someone else? 

Did you still love Charles? 

You looked at him again. Your eyes connected. He smiled shyly. You did as well. Maybe you could let this guy ruin you just like Charles did, just because of his face, and his voice and what he said to you without even knowing you. You should get your shit together. You still reeling that fucking monaguesque guy. But at this point you didn’t care anymore. Or at least that’s what you thought. He got closer and kissed your cheek, that took you by surprise but you liked it. Probably way too much.

“I know without knowing you that you’re amazing. You just need to believe it. I’m sure you’ll find someone who sees you” he added and your smile became wider. 

“Thank you, lando.wow. Any stranger said so many nice things about me” you half joked shyly and his cheeks went red. His giggles were the cutest sound you have heard lately. Where was this guy? 

Then you remembered Franco and that this guy probably is his friend. And your back at your self hate again.

Why did everything have to be so difficult?

Why do you have to make so many mistakes at once? 

“y/n, we need your help” Dottie's voice interrupted you two. Her voice seemed worried. “Betty is way too drunk, it’s better if we go home now” she explained, a little suspicious of your both body languages. You nodded. 

“Alright, let’s go. Nice to meet you Lando, hope to talk to you another time though so it’s not that depressing. I promise im fun” you said a bit funny but hurried. Your friend first, always. You kissed his cheek quickly. He laughed about your comment. 

“Oh yea, she is,” Dottie added, supporting you in a smile.

“Hope to see you again sometime, Y/n. good luck with your friend” he said to both of you and after smiling at him you went into the party again.

“D, I think I'm in love,” you said excitedly.

“What?”

⋆˚࿔ it’s time to go 𝜗𝜚˚⋆

⋆˚࿔ 𝜗𝜚˚⋆

⋆˚࿔ 𝜗𝜚˚⋆

⋆˚࿔ the fucking tuesday 𝜗𝜚˚⋆

Arriving in monaco again at 11 am has never felt so good in your entire life. A trip that started like a dream to remember, turned into a nightmare you couldn’t forget but all you wanted to was to forget about it. Just pretend it never existed and erase everything you did wrong that Saturday night.

You missed your house (your safe place),and you needed its comfort more than you would like to admit. Your brain was a mess. You couldn’t stop thinking about charles driving you to your friend’s house then the memory just fading away and inturning into him saying non stop i met someone. You felt you were going insane when you remembered Franco's skin on yours and how good and warm it felt. How you kissed his abs. And then how you got so scared. His face was printed in ink in your subconscious. You could only see sadness, shame, and a bit of hatred. You were sure at that moment he hated you. Like you humiliate him a bit. You felt so bad about it you couldn’t even face him. You really wanted to say sorry but you just didn’t want to see him straight in the eyes. Shame was tattooed all over your body. How could you?

Then your mind was reminded of Lando's existence and you just wanted to punch yourself in the face. What the hell happened with you at that party? Was the fernet that Franco prepared? You wanted to blame anything except yourself. You didn’t understand yourself either. Like your feelings and thoughts couldn’t agree on anything. Like you had split personality issues.

Yes, you liked lando way too much probably in those few minutes at the gallery. But then there was Franco that you now were confused about how you felt about him. Because you really liked to kiss him. To touch him. To feel him close to you in that way.

And then there was still charles.

You were really tired of thinking already you just had to put taylor swift on your headphones.you took the bus that left you one block away from your house. You don't want to call anyone to pick you up. You texted A and she told you that. You didn’t understand why she did it. But it overwhelmed you for sure. You just wanted to retreat from life like forever.

When you finally got home you went straight into bed. When you touched your pillow you started crying. And that’s how you fell asleep scared to have another nightmare.

⋆˚࿔ 𝜗𝜚˚⋆

Charles watched Carlos leaving his phone on the counter with a weird face “everything alright mate?” he asked. Carlos nodded and smiled.

“Yeah, did you send the invitation to everyone you know?” he asked, grabbing the box with vodka bottles and taking them to the fridge.

“Yeah, it’s gonna be a crazy wild night” Charles said excitedly trying to not let his anxiety control his mood right now. He wanted to have fun and purposely forget about everything with alcohol. A lot of it. As much as possible.

⋆˚࿔ 𝜗𝜚˚⋆

The music was so loud that Charles could barely listen to what the blonde girl in front of him was talking about but he didn’t care that much. He was already bored by the third girl Carlos introduced him to. He knows Carlos just has good intentions but he was already convinced no one will captivate him the way you did. Not even if they tried to imitate you. Since he saw you again he couldn’t forget your scent. The way you smiled to your nephews. How you treated them and how he was confused for a moment if they were your children. He always knew you wanted to be a mother and for what he saw he was sure you would be the best one out there. He wanted to forget about you he really did. But he was also sure life hated him. He wanted to rebuild his life and leave behind the damage he caused, but then there was you again in that fucking restaurant. And in that moment he knew all too well it would drive him insane. And he felt like it. He believed it.

The girl notices he wasn’t paying attention to her. Charles was playing with his glass of whiskey. Her face looked annoyed and disappointed. Charles didn’t care. She told him she needed to go to the bathroom and disappeared for the rest of the night. He drank his whole glass in one take. He just wanted to drown in alcohol right there and vaish from life. From everyone who knew him.

He saw Carlos dancing la macarena with his group of spanish friends that came for the holidays. He was enjoying himself around. Rebecca, his girlfriend, was there as well, matching hia freak. And for a moment he felt something he never felt before and he didn't like it at all. He felt envious. He wanted to have his life. Be him. Have the girl of his dreams dancing around with him. His friends were here but not with him. And he didn’t even like to dance. And don't have anyone to have sex with. Then he felt miserable. Angry with life itself.he was disappointed. He felt he let down everyone in his life. And the proof was that damn book she wrote. He was a coward. And everyone knew about it; they just didn't know it was him all along. And when the truth comes out then his life will be ended.

He swallowed hard and stood up to grab more whiskey. This time he was drinking from the bottle. He pushed himself aside from the party and sat near the pool even if he was freezing. He didn’t care anymore if he got sick or died. He was extreme. He looked at your balcony and wanted to cry. He wanted to cry like a child. Throw punches and scream. He felt there was no way to fix his life. He regretted breaking you so much. He always knew this was everything to you. You were so caring and always there for him and his whole family. He also knew he broke his mum. She loves you deeply. You were like her daughter, the one she never had. The one he and dad would have loved to have if they could choose the sex of their children. Remembering his dad broke him. He started crying. If he was here he knew he would be disappointed in him. Not because of his career (he made history) but because he isn’t with a good woman. He doesn't have kids either. And he now believed he didn't even have a future.

He looked again at your balcony. The lights were off. He didn’t know if you were there or not. If you had a lover. Or even if you have him blocked on social media. And that’s when curiosity won over him. What if he tried to search for your name on instagram? He was sure someone he knew, knew you as well. Monaco is too little to not have those coincidences on the daily.

He searched the first letters of your name and then saw that his ex, alexandra followed you. He felt weird about it and his face showed confusion with his eyebrows. He clicked on your profile and started stalking you. You still paint and have a piano. You used to play piano together. Actually, you taught him. You were the best professor he had ever had. He smiled looking at pictures of random dogs you found on the streets and with your nephews. You built a new family away from your actual family. That made him happy for a second. He knew after both of your parents died, you didn’t get along so well with your siblings. But he didn’t know if it was still like that. He saw how successful you were. How your book was a bestseller and how it would be a movie produced by universal. He was surprised. He would have never expected this outcome. Back in the day you were an art teacher for children and had a studio where you gave those lessons. Children loved you so much. He remembered their bright smiles when the parents came around to pick them up. He admired you so much for it. He even fantasizes that one day that face so bright and happy will be the one your children will have everytime they look at their mother. He wanted to be a father with you. But then alex came around and fucked it all up. Or well he actually did. And he still couldn’t understand why he did it.

Alex Was beautiful, he couldn’t deny that. She also loved him dearly. She was in love with him. And he thought he was with her. But then everything spiraled down and collapsed. He met her at that partymax verstappen threw to celebrate he was an official f1 driver for red bull. He invited everyone he ever met along his life. You couldn’t go because you had to take an exam the following morning. And that’s when it happened. She was dancing with her group of friends. She also had a boyfriend. And we talked and sparks were there. And then Charles got all confused. And they kissed. And he had already cheated by the time he realized that it was wrong. And then he couldn't stop. And his life went to shit.

He didn’t realize he was sobbing until he felt his teardrops stain his creme pants. He was using a fancy outfit. He looked really good. But as everything he touched, he also ruined that too in that moment. And because he was so busy feeling miserable, he didn’t realize the police were already at carlos’ door wanting to shut down the party. I mean, it was a tuesday night of a working week after all.

⋆˚࿔ 𝜗𝜚˚⋆

When Charles got closer to Carlos, he was already shouting at the police officers like a crazy man. He was drunk for sure and the policeman knew about it too. No perfume will ever smell like that. Not in Monaco of course.

“Then tell me, who will call? I need to know who to call. I never do parties and then once I do I can't and it’s not fair. I need to know who called you, it's my right as a citizen "Carlos was verbose and angry.

“Carlos it’s okay, how much should we pay you to let us have a party?” Charles intervenes trying to look not drunk at all but failing in each word. Police men looked at each other, annoyed by these two men.

“That would be a crime, sir” the police officer with a beard that looked disgusting in charles’ opinion, answered him. He kind of felt offended.

“Then who it was!!” Carlos was losing it and Charles was scared they would take him to jail right there.

“Your neighbor” the other one talked now pointing his fingers to his right. His right.

Your house was at his right. You called the cops. At that moment he felt he was about to faint. He was sure he was white. The policemen looked at him weird. Carlos then started walking. If you were in a cartoon show he would have smoke coming out his head right now. He walked fast towards your hose. Charles panicked and followed him desperate. Carlos started banging your door so he could tell you things.

“Carlos, nono. Let’s just go home, c’mon "Charles tried to convince Carlos but he was determined and ignored him. He won’t let you ruin his party. His celebration. His opportunity to present a woman for his friend to be happy. The one he taught you ruined. Becausehe couldn’t be over you. And he saw all of this as if you were now not letting him be able to in a very twisted way.

Charles was scared and worried when he saw your light turning on by the minute. His eyes wanting to leave his face when he saw you in your marvel pajamas again. Your hair was a mess and your face had the darkest circles under your eyes. Your face puffy as if you were crying or you did before you went to sleep and then they woke you up. No he felt as guilty as when he realized he left the love of his life stuck in that fucking restaurant you both loved so much.

“What the fuck is wrong with you bitch? Huh? Stop torturing my friend!” carlos said aggressively the moment he saw you when you opened the door.

⋆˚࿔ TO BE CONTINUED 𝜗𝜚˚⋆

chapter six: coming soon.

tag list: @a-beaverhausen , @annaluna12 , @thehoplessromanticclub , @emryb , @hadids-world , @kaztheemyth , @freyathehuntress , @diorbrxtz , @theseerbetweenus , @sie17136 , @leila-030304 , @charlesgirl16 , @ricciardosheart , @weekendlusting

author’s note: hope you all have a merry christmas ❤️ and that you like this chapter as much as I do !

thank you everyone for reading and sharing what I write. I really really appreciate it!

if you wanna be part of the tag list just leave a comment!

see you on the next chapter :)

Don’t forget to like, reblog or comment! And follow me so we can be friends! (And drink mate together) <3

[subcultureblues]

I know we love exploring Eddie overcoming this, kind of, impulse to cowardice he has. My hashtag headcanon is that Eddie’s a runner BECAUSE he learned to be one, needed to be one. Because he grew up scared.

The experience of his mom dying left him terrified, so he ran from it. Left alone with his lackluster, fuckup dad. Just Eddie, his dad - and his dad’s temper. Eddie learned to run from that too.

He puts on his loud, scary, abrasive persona to outrun genuinely feeling hurt at being just - completely & totally rejected by society. Because it’s too massive and unbearable to actually try to face.

He ran from his grief, from his dad, from the cops, from judgmental assholes and bullies and bigots who would try to hurt him for who he is, from a mob who took one look at how different he was and decided that was enough to label him guilty - and he just ran and ran and ran.

Eddie’s a runner cause he’s always been scared.

And Wayne was safe. Wayne always tried to protect him from his dad - and then the foster system when Eddie really had no one. Wayne’s trailer gave him a place to run to.

And then there’s Steve. Bull-headed, brave, recklessly protective, valiant Steve. This fucking knight in shining armor of a man. He’s the first person who really told Eddie, really got it through his head that like

'hey... hey it's ok to be scared. That's ok. It's actually the most normal, reasonable reaction in the world. To run when you’re fucking terrified.

And that doesn’t make you a pussy. And it doesn’t make you a coward.

And there's nothing wrong with you.

And I want to make you feel safe because I love you. Because that's what people who love each other do! You deserve to be safe. And I would step between you and bullies and bigots and bloodthirsty mobs and fucking monsters from hell - To keep you safe. Until you have nothing to run from."

And just that makes Eddie feel braver, knowing there’s someone there, fighting for him. Gives him the courage to maybe stop running and fight for himself.

[theflagscene]

15 Day BL Challenge (part 4)

59. What's a hill you're willing to die on when it comes to BL?

Omg, yes, someone asked me!!!!!

I will die on this hill, fite me.

*ahem*

Cupid’s Last Wish is a good series!

I know there is a shit ton of hate for this series and I have absolutely no idea why. It is a masterclass in physical acting, seriously, it is phenomenal! The story is very basic, because the focus of the series is the character’s journey and self discovery. Korn and Win already knows they’re in love, the story begins with them already knowing that they love one another, they just haven’t acted on those feelings nor have they admitted their feelings to one another. But never once does the narrative act like we the viewers are supposed to wonder if they love one another, that’s not the point of the plot. It’s how miscommunication and grief can blind someone so much that they lose themselves within those feelings.

In the case of the series, Win literally loses himself thanks to his anger. He nearly kills his body and damns his sister’s soul, so he must go on a pilgrimage with Korn to heal his own soul whilst his body is wavering between life and death which could very well take his sister’s soul with it. Korn, his best friend of 22 years and soulmate is the only person who can see him whilst trapped in his sister Lin’s body, because Korn always sees Win for who he really is. And of course we have the conniving mother, a well meaning family friend and a mysterious monk.

This is some of Mix’s best acting, not just as Win since Mix doesn’t usually play such a toxic character. But because for most of the runtime he is playing a male character trapped inside a female’s body, trying to trick everyone expect for three people that he is in fact a woman. Jan is fantastic in the role as well, because when she’s onscreen she must act as if she is a male stuck in an woman’s body with a male’s mind, trying to convince people she’s a woman.

It’s a complete mind fuck! Mix and Jan are fantastic as Win, the way they carry themselves, walk the same, stand the same, take up the same space, speak the same way. But don’t think Earth has it easy in this series either, because he had to make sure he held, touched and spoke to Mix and Jan exactly the same way. So when they edited the scenes to overlap, seeing Jan’s body instead of Mix’s, Earth is in the exact same position with both of them.

Seriously, if you dropped this series, try it again. Watch it just for the acting, because it’s phenomenal.

Also it has what might be the best onscreen reaction to menstruation from a male’s point of view without it being misogynistic, gross or rude. They make some jokes, like Korn not knowing what kind of pads to get for Win when he starts his period, and of course how Win feels having to care for and clean his sister’s body in a respectful manner. How he experiences her emotions, her hormonal shift, the pain of cramps, the way his whole body aches and how sick he feels. Korn is also so caring, trying to help Win through something he’d never experienced before without crossing a line with Lin’s body because whilst it’s Win, his best friend and love of his life, and when he looks at Lin he sees Win in his mind, it is still Lin’s body physically there. And as much as he loved Win, wanted Win, Lin was a baby sister to him and he could not, would not, touch Lin’s body in a sexual manner.

At the end of the series when he admits to Win and Lin’s mother that ‘something happened’ between him and Lin (it was Win, but in Lin’s body) all he meant was that Win had kissed him. Yes, he had kissed Win, shared a bed with Win, but he knew how that looked to people who didn’t know it was Win in Lin’s body. So to keep Lin from being shamed he agreed to marry her, instead of trying to explain to their mother that the assumption she was making about Korn taking Lin’s virginity was wrong.

There are fantastic villain characters in the form of the scheming aunt and uncle. Not to mention the family secret, Win and Lin’s mother facing her homophobia concerning her son, Lin being in love with someone else and of course Korn being forced into a mess that he did not want to be a part of but considering he had been friends with Win for 22 years and loved him more than life, how could he say no?

It’s a beautiful story, it’s funny, well acted and has Mix working with animals!

[kaibutsushidousha]

what did you think about skadi's handling in arctic summer world? as an ibuki fan i'm puzzled as to why she agreed to skadi's request to stop, but any general insight into what aspects of her were explored here is appreciated.

Thanks to Odin's questionable kindness, Scáthach-Skadi is the last survivor of Ragnarök. That's a situation she's very displeased with and her every major appearance has been her trying to process her grief in some way.

The most relevant attempt is obviously her Lostbelt. She was initially grateful for the lengths Odin went to keep her alive and believed she also needed to go great lengths to preserve the world he left her with. Skadi ruled for 3000 as the most anti-violence Lostbelt King we've ever seen. She constantly had her eyes on her world, and micromanaged all the humans and Jotunns so that there would be no fighting in her world.

She was unquestionably devoted to her Lostbelt, but by no means she made a good job. Her messed up decisions came at great personal cost for the giants who couldn't think for themselves, the humans who only got to live until age 25 at most, and to Skadi herself who had to overexert herself to keep everything in check while also maintain Surtr's seal. Skadi was a joyless woman stuck in the joyless world of her own design. Absolutely no one benefitted from her dystopia.

But playable Skadi is obviously not like that. The world that was hers to care is already gone, and she finds herself free from her queenly chains of responsibility for what might as well be the first time ever. In Chaldea, she's characterized as very lost and clueless. Someone Medb and the other Scáthach need to introduce to so many things she could never see in her small, enclosured world. She has something of a background arc through many cameos with her experiencing many new things, from food (ice cream, takoyaki, alien monster sashimi) to roles for herself (fairy godmother for Lizderella and Martha, and of course, park administrator).

There's also her Interlude, but I'll get back to it later. The reason why I covered this whole recap of Skadi's character is because Skadi's part in Arctic Summer World also feels like a recap of her character. A return to her origins without the previous stakes. In this less messed up environment, Skadi remains as awful an administrator as she was always and remains self-destructively overworking herself for something the people she's serving didn't ask for.

The difference here is that Götterdämmerung is a story about Ophelia's inability to distinguish love from emotional abuse, so Skadi had to carry the important role of sincerely loving mother that made everything worse for everyone, while Summer Skadi is in a role where she can review her mistake and not create Super Fun & Colorful Götterdämmerung 2.

But the part about vaguely self-biographical manga being the medium that lets her examine her past and assess what she needs to do feels like a mark of progress for herself and more like a mark of progress for Jalter as a mentor sharing with others what brought her solace.

As for Ibuki, I think she just stopped because she knew she wouldn't get what she wanted from Skadi's current state. Ibuki wanted things to get joyous and lively, so she ordered Douman to give the Grail to someone full of love. Douman's choice was Skadi because his initial mission was interacting with the Lostbelt Kings, so he was very aware of her love. I don't think Douman was too surprised by the mistakes Skadi repeated here. If Skadi and Fujimaru say they're unwilling, then who is Ibuki throwing this party for?

I get that the end is sudden, but I feel like it works really well for Skadi's long-term characterization. The Scandinavian Lostbelt was a shit place to because Skadi had no respect for anyone's autonomy. After going to Chaldea, disrespecting other people's autonomies remained a recurring problem with Skadi, with Summer Caenis, Lizderella, and Santa Martha all being unconsented transformations.

But then came her Interlude, with the conclusion being that even though she eventually found new happiness in Chaldea because of Odin making her survive and endure 3000 years of trauma, this is not something she wanted, so Odin violated her autonomy and she doesn't need to feel grateful for it. Skadi's consent issues disappear entirely after this Interlude, but since Arctic Summer World was so shortly after it, I like to believe that Skadi saying no and Ibuki immediately respecting also played a part in fixing her flaw.

[sapphoscreature]

Caitlyn and the Grey- A Deep Dive

I’d really like to explore Caitlyn’s use of the Grey in Act 1. This is not me trying to excuse Caitlyn’s choices, but I think, as with all things in Arcane, there’s nuance in the reason, the outcome, and the reactions this causes from other characters. There are grey areas where the characters interact, and nuance in the morally grey choices they make, something I think in large part the Grey embodies, and I just really want to explore it out of a fascination with the storytelling in this show.

The Background

In episode 1, it is agreed that enforcers will enter the Underground to locate Jinx as a ‘single deranged individual’ responsible for the Council attack. Mel and Caitlyn are reluctant to allow this to happen, knowing ‘innocents will be caught in the crossfire.’ With Ambessa’s interjection, however, the invasion is set to go ahead, although without the use of Hextech.

Throughout this episode we see Caitlyn’s dwindling mental state. Her grief, guilt, and anger are battling with her empathy and level-headed thinking. This affects all the choices she makes. This is so interesting to watch, especially when it comes to Vi.

Vi is the person with whom Caitlyn is vulnerable. She collapses into her arms and breaks down. She represents calm to Caitlyn, as reflected in the vent/wind chime system in her hideaway. Yet Caitlyn’s guilt is causing her thinking to go askew, and I think she is falling back onto the systems and structures of Piltover with which she has grown up for guidance. Not only that, but she is now head of the Kiramman house, a ‘pillar’ of the Piltovan society, something which she admits she does not feel deserving nor ready for. Heavy is the crown.

In relation to Vi, this leads her to spring an enforcer badge on her. Caitlyn’s reasoning is complex, for she no longer believes in the ‘reckless plans’ which they had carried out in season 1 and which she believes led to her mother’s death (‘my arrogance led me to take on more than I could handle, and she paid the price’), but there remains that belief in each other that was there in season 1 when they addressed the council. ‘You can show that not all of Zaun supports Jinx. We can show them. Together.’ Caitlyn is falling back onto old systems, but I think she also believes that Vi can be the difference within those systems, that she defies, to an extent, those systems. The lines blur around them as their feelings for each other continue to defy the ‘oil and water’ division. And, if Maddie’s words are to be believed, Caitlyn demanded a badge for Vi because ‘if every enforcer had a heart like yours, we could take on Noxus itself.’

Vi is fiercely protective, and Caitlyn’s safe space, and Caitlyn needs her help. She says as much after the memorial attack when admitting she was ‘wrong’ to ‘spring the badge’ on Vi. It is only that ‘every way I slice it, if I go after your sister alone, one of us comes back in a box.’ Caitlyn does not want Jinx dead, although once again why is complex, perhaps both for Vi’s sake, and for justice’s. But Vi is crucial, not only in being the first to become suspicious of the attack on the memorial and stopping it, but also grounding Caitlyn afterwards. Well, as much as she can, as this is when we see Caitlyn slipping. The memorial attack is the tipping point. She is so angry. She is losing her empathy, calling the attackers ‘animals.’

Vi encourages her to stop the invasion on Zaun. ‘Down there, you’ll be on their terms.’ ‘None of this is on our terms,’ Caitlyn replies, growing more and more anguished. ‘Maybe you should change that,’ Vi challenges, looking, I think, for the Caitlyn who took on the council in season 1. The Caitlyn who, after that failed, was ready to make a new plan and ‘fix’ things. The Caitlyn who was a misfit to her own society.

But as I’ve said, she is falling back onto Piltovan power structures. And she reveals as much to Vi. ‘She dies and leaves this giant hole, and I’m just supposed to fill it. Like she was never there to begin with.’ This is an expression of grief but also, I think, of the rigid structure of Piltovan society. One Kiramman dies, another steps into their place.  

I think this is the most vulnerable we ever see Caitlyn when she admits that ‘it’s all coming apart,’ and Vi is there to offer her comfort and hope. ‘We won’t let it.’ We’ll figure this out, she seems to say. We’ll come up with a plan. ‘We,’ as if they can function as they used to, defying all the power structures in place to follow their own path. But it is far too late for that, they are already embroiled in a war, and having to pick a side. Vi in this episode deserves way more attention than I’m giving her right now, but she puts on the enforcer uniform, believing her sister is gone. Believing this is how she can help.

And Caitlyn seems to stop fighting the pressure of her name. She accesses her family archives using the literal symbol (the key) of their power and discovers the vents and the Grey. She interrupts the council and wields her family name like a weapon to impose her own choices. There will be no invasion, just her strike team. They will enter Zaun to ‘locate Jinx, dismantle shimmer, and neutralise any agents still loyal to Silco.’

The plan is structured and methodical, as is Caitlyn. The plan is stopping full on invasion. The plan is targeting those individuals who are harmful to both Piltover and Zaun. But the Caitlyn of season 1 has vanished beneath a colder exterior. Her visual presentation is enough to tell us that she might be driven by justice, but she is also driven by revenge. And that revenge, that burning hellfire of emotions, is distorting her vision and her choices.

Zaun

I want to touch now on the context we are given as to what is happening in Zaun following Silco’s death before finally tackling the use of the Grey (I know, sorry, but I think this is all important in trying to analyse what is going on).

Jinx puts it best. ‘It’s all going to shit.’ Fighting has broken out amongst the chem-barons now vying for power in the vacuum Silco has left. The ‘Sucker’ sequence shows us fighting on the streets, fires breaking out. Children like Isha are running from the chem-barons’ goons. The Firelights are bringing people to their safe haven because of all the fighting. Deaths are referenced in a meeting with the chem-barons organised by Sevika.

Jinx walks through all of this, cloaked and seemingly uncaring, focussed on the loss of Silco. She does, however, save Isha from the goons when she literally falls on top of her. Like Vi, she deserves her own deep dive, but I will be touching on her actions in response to Caitlyn’s across episodes 2 & 3 in a bit as it’s so interesting, particularly considering how they always parallel and contrast each other.

Something that’s clear, I think, is that these are, as Sevika calls them, ‘turf wars.’ Inference tells us that different chem-barons control different areas of the city- ‘you started this dance when you raided the Rapturewalk.’  Innocents are getting hurt because the conflict is in the city itself. This is the environment into which Caitlyn’s strike team enters.

‘Hellfire’

So, let’s look at Caitlyn’s use of the Grey, and how it intersects and impacts what’s happening in Zaun. I am going to discuss the ‘hellfire’ sequence alongside events as shown in episode 2 as they happen concurrently, teasing out a timeline before analysing what we can interpret from character actions and how they are framed within the narrative.  

Timeline of Events

Having decided on a plan, Caitlyn’s strike team descend into the undercity using the ventilation system which they access through the wind chime mechanism in Caitlyn’s hideaway (this is where the strike team- minus Cait and Vi- are shown to be exiting from in episode 3).

We see Caitlyn activating the vents in order to drive the Grey down into the undercity. First, Silco’s goons are seen running from the plume of gas. Then, they target Margot’s base, engaging in physical violence to incapacitate her group and question them about Jinx’s whereabouts (who we know wants nothing to do with this).

Chem-baron Smeech arrives at Margot’s base, from my understanding, as the strike team are carrying out their plan. He sends his men in, where one encounters the strike team. These same men are shown fighting with the strike team during the hellfire sequence. The strike team seem to be easily able to overpower them. They have the Hextech weaponry, of course.

Piecing together the timeline, I think Smeech moves on to the meeting with the other chem-barons and Sevika. I’m assuming they have left their lackeys to do their dirty work. The strike team then heads for the shimmer factory, flooding that with the Grey. As far as I can tell, Caitlyn uses the net device on her gun to capture two of the chem-barons before destroying vials of shimmer.

The next time we see them is with Jinx in the arcade. We can assume that Vi is the one who leads them there, seeing as it was a place they frequented as kids. After Jinx escapes, we next see them in the pipes for the vents where they come across Heenot and Jinx’s booby trap meant to lure them towards her in the temple of Janna.

(I’m going to focus more on Jinx and her retaliation in a bit).

Analysis and my own interpretation

(Disclaimer: this is all I have gleaned from my interpretation. Tbh to an extent it’s difficult to see what exactly is going on, which maybe be an intentional choice which only adds another layer to grey areas surrounding these morally grey choices)

So, the strike team’s aims were:

Locate Jinx

Dismantle shimmer

Neutralise any agents still loyal to Silco

We see them doing all three (or, at least, trying to find Jinx). And this is where it gets complex, because to an extent the strike team’s motives might actually benefit Zaun. Destroying shimmer, something which stems from the damage Cait and Vi see shimmer cause, because of Silco and Singed, in Zaun during season 1, would be to destabilise the power struggle going on between the chem-barons causing violence on the streets. When Smeech reaches Margot’s, he comments that the Grey has ‘cleared the place out. Might have made our jobs a lot easier.’ The Grey may have de-escalated violence (although what Smeech wants- domination for himself- is hardly beneficial to Zaun, but Sevika soon takes care of him).  

When Vi confronts Jinx, she argues that they used the Grey to ‘clear the streets. To keep people safe.’ If Vi believes her own words, the Grey might be perceived through the strike team’s eyes as a preferable choice to a full-on invasion. We do see them run and free Heenot, Smeech’s lackey who Jinx leaves tied up (I’ll get into that soon), inhaling the Grey, to aid him. Harming innocents is not their intent. Their use of the Grey appears targeted to the chembarons, Silco’s ‘agents’, and Jinx- the Grey seeps from Margot’s base but the street itself is not flooded. As the strike team enter the arcade the Grey seeps in, but when Jinx escapes afterwards, the street outside is clear.

But this is where it is important to consider the framing and Caitlyn’s mindset at this time. The Grey is threatening, even if it is not being used with blind abandon. It is consistently presented as a monster. We see this through its depiction in the Kiramman archives and through the eyes of the Zaunites- Smeech’s lackey and Jinx perceive it, and the strike team who appear from within it, as such. That the reflection of this monster is reflected back onto Caitlyn’s face is a clear indication of the dark path she is going down.

And, as with the chem-barons’ terf wars, this is playing out on the streets of Zaun. The frame of the strike team coming after Silco’s goons appears to be on a street (note: from what I can tell, these are Silco's people. Looking back at season 1 they appear with him). Crucially, they are the only characters depicted in this frame, no other Zaunites, but that this frame is paralleled to an image from the Kiramman archive of Zaunites running from a pollution cloud is striking (although also worth considering the differences in these frames, too), and is why I think the Grey intentionally represents the morally grey path down which Caitlyn is venturing through its very being.

The strike team is both helping the undercity and harming it. They are seeking justice against those who have harmed the undercity by being complicit in the distribution of shimmer, but are utilising systems which underline the ingrained imbalance of power between Piltover and Zaun- Caitlyn has knowledge only available due to her position of power and privilege. At the same time, becoming ever more blinded by revenge, Caitlyn is harming her own name and legacy- the vents had originally been built to help- and losing her moral compass. She is a figure of vengeance in the hellfire sequence, eyes burning red. The framing pulls no punches.

Jinx

However, there is yet another layer to the Grey that I want to explore, concerning Jinx and her retaliation to the strike team’s actions. As in other cases such as cracking hextech and breaking into Caitlyn’s house to kidnap her in season one, Jinx defies the power imbalance between Piltover and Zaun (something which leads to her becoming a symbol of Zaunite resistance, but I’m not going to go deep into that right now).

She is deeply upset when she sees Vi as part of the strike team flooding the arcade with the Grey. We see she lays trigger explosives in the vents to presumably incapacitate the strike team. She stops a propellor, tying Smeech’s lackey Heenot to it (following the fight with Sevika) and also hanging vivisected dolls of the strike team members. She is taunting them.

Heenot tells Cait and Vi that ‘Jinx is off the rails, even for her. She’s got a real fire lit under her ass. She’s planning something big, right here in the pipeworks. She was heading towards the old tunnels. Something about rerouting the vents.’

We see Silco and Jinx use the Grey (or something like it) on both the chem-barons and Sevika in season 1, and it seems clear Jinx has some knowledge of the vents. She redirects the Grey down towards the temple of Janna to lead Caitlyn and Vi to the fight in episode 3 (worth nothing- who is Janna? Idk anything about lol lore so maybe I’m wrong, but is there something in suggesting it could be a Kiramman ancestor, if they were the ones to provide cleaner air to the undercity? Interesting to consider in light of the myriad ways the two cities interact with each other).

Significantly, following the fight, Sevika triggers explosives which releases air which travels at high volumes through the vents. This streamlines the Grey directly up towards Piltover, where it explodes throughout the city in Jinx’s trademark flourish of vibrant colours.

To me, this represents how Jinx defies the power imbalance. She does this for her own ends, but her actions also benefit Zaun as a whole, churning the Grey up to topside. Arcane features a conflict between two cities older and larger than the characters, but it is through the characters we watch it play out. Their choices. How they continue the cycles of violence.

For Caitlyn, I think Jinx’s retaliation reflects how her actions have become more harmful than helpful. She is harming everyone, including the city she is trying to protect, as well as the people she loves, turning on Vi out of a feeling of betrayal. The Grey explosions cause great distress and injury, something which enables Ambessa to consolidate her position as Piltover’s saviour (and so, in a way, ironically doom Caitlyn to the commander position to which she is appointed).

She is harming herself, too, which is symbolised by the Grey (dyed Jinx’s blue) bursting through the metal slats in the wind chime device in her hideaway. This device had represented the turning of Caitlyn’s mind and the peace she had found in Vi. All of that is destroyed and stained blue.

Conclusion

There is so much more you could interpret about the Grey, about how the characters’ personal vendettas become political as Piltover and Zaun are pushed further and further into war. However, I really wanted to dive into Caitlyn’s use of it and why. The good intentions of the strike team to prevent a full-on invasion and dismantle shimmer are mixed in with the thick air of grief and guilt-poisoned vengeance. It’s devastating to watch, I think, as Caitlyn loses herself. But then, ‘Arcane’ is a tragedy.

If you’ve reached the end of this, thank you so much for reading. I realise it is really long. This is just my interpretation of things born out of a fascination with the layers and complexity in this show and is by no means intended to be definitive. I could have probably kept rewording and exploring more layers and parallels, but I have other things in my life lol.

But I will say, I think it’s easy to look at Caitlyn and decide that she represents all the wrongs Piltover has ever done to Zaun. But if Arcane is character driven, then it is worth considering how Caitlyn herself becomes trapped in a system far greater and far older than herself. This entrapment is certainly of her own making to an extent, although we see how the power structures in Piltover work to create demands and expectations (and add to that Ambessa’s presence… it’s a power battle), but what I’m trying to say is- we have characters who are agents through whom systems of power, etc. continue to function and whose legitimacy is either questioned or upheld, defied or manipulated. By act 3, we see our characters willing to defy these systems, to end cycles of violence and trust in ‘the promise of tomorrow.’

But in the smog of the conflict, everything seems grey.

[hibiscusol]

ִֶָ𓂃 ࣪˖ ִֶָ sailor song, one. ་༘🌊࿐

masterlist ｡𖦹°‧ welcome page ｡𖦹°‧ series masterlist

── ‧₊ ᵎᵎ pairing: jj maybank x reader

── ‧₊ ᵎᵎ sypnosis: after your best friend sarah and his new pogue boyfriend get lost at sea, you find comfort in the only person who understands you. and weirdly, that person is a pogue, the jj maybank.

── ‧₊ ᵎᵎ warnings: language and mentions of alcohol

── ‧₊ ᵎᵎ author's note: yeah, this is my way of coping. i miss the man. anyways lmk if u like it or if u have any ideas for the next chapters!

────🫐────

“Oh, shit, my bad,” The blond boy whispers after colliding with you, all your books dropping to the ground. You look up and see him, the tall blond pogue rarely present at school. You nod and walk past him, not paying much attention. It wouldn’t be a good thing to be seen with him and his friends, especially after Sarah and the Routledge guy’s death.

Everybody’s going through it. The Camerons have been grieving in their… own ways. Rafe, the eldest child of the Camerons has not been seen in days. Someone said they’d seen him smoking weed in his dealer’s backyard. Guess his sister’s death made him hit rock bottom.

And as for her new pogue boyfriend, John B, no one cares. No one knew him other than his few friends, one of them being the old kook Kiara Carrera. Well, they’re like a weird cult always up to some shit. They’ve chosen their place.

The missing posters have been up for a while. No one really believes it, they couldn’t have survived a storm like that. You’ve been trying to handle it. In your room for days, thinking about the empty spaces your best friend Sarah would fill. Thinking about how she’d gotten distant the past few days. Not telling you where she was going, not telling you about the new guy. You blamed yourself for it. Maybe if you’d tried to talk to her more a few days before she died, she wouldn’t have gone with him.

When the thoughts get too loud during English class, you excuse yourself and leave. You walk through the hallways and outside the school, sitting on a nearby bench. No one said a word to you. No one said you were allowed to grief too. Like you weren’t her best friend. Were you?

You take a deep breath and look around, making sure no one saw you leave school grounds. That’s when you see him again. The blond boy.

He walks out of school as well, looking around and spotting you. He scoffs, and as much as he tries to find a way to avoid you, you’re sitting on the only bench that’s out here. He slowly walks over. “Can I sit-?” He says and you nod. “Yeah. Go ahead.” You say and look away, pulling your legs into your stomach, hugging your calves.

He sits down as far away on the bench from you as possible, taking a deep breath. A few minutes of silence go by. “I heard you were her friend.” He says, breaking the silence.

“What?” You whisper, surprised he would actually talk to you. “I said I heard you were Sarah’s best friend.” He repeats, looking at you this time. He looks… decent.

“Yeah. I was.” you say, looking away from him. “That was before your friends showed up, though.” You say and roll your eyes. He nods, his lips pressing together. 

“We didn’t do shit. She wanted to join us, so she did.” He says defensively. “Well, she got dragged into all the criminal stuff that you do. She didn’t know what type of people you were.” I say, sitting straight. I have the time today.

“John B did not kill Peterkin.” He says frowning. “Sure, he didn’t.” You say and he frowns again. “I’m being serious. He did not.”

“You think I’m just gonna believe you because you said so? What even was your name again?” I say and roll my eyes. Yes, exactly the way I imagined a pogue to be. “No, but I’m saying that you’re judging without getting to know us.” He pauses for a second, almost like he’s pondering if he should say or not. “I’m JJ. JJ Maybank.” 

Oh, JJ Maybank. With the dad. He works for your father. Or maybe worked. Poor guy was definitely an addict.

“I know your dad.” You blurt out, and the way his face falls tells you you hit a sore spot. You look away. “He… he worked for my dad.” You elaborate, looking down at your shoes. 

A few moments pass by and when you turn to look at him again, he’s off the bench, walking away. You frown, watching him walk away. Weird. Why’d he just walk away like that? 

You sigh and look ahead into the trees in front you. The back of the school where the students have done everything. A few minutes later, a voice startles you again. “Hey, sorry, I was…” 

You jump, letting out a low gasp as you sit up straighter. “What the fuck, Maybank? I thought you left and then you…” You say before he stretches his hand out, a necklace in his palm. Your eyes widen as you notice what it is. The S necklace. With Sarah’s initial on it.

“We found this at the chateau. The chateau is… um, our place, kind of. She’d left it there.” He says as you shakily take it from him.

“We didn’t force her into anything…” “Shut up, Maybank.” You say as you put the necklace around your neck. “Just… I don’t wanna hear it.”

He nods, taking a deep breath as he takes a step back, holding his hands up in surrender. “I’m just being nice, Kook.” Oh, now he’s getting sassy. You roll your eyes, unwrapping your arms from around your legs and letting your feet touch the ground as you stand up. “Yeah, well, you could’ve been nice by saving her before she was dead.” I roll my eyes as I grab my backpack, throwing it over my shoulder. You’re mad at everyone and everything. You’re mad at Sarah for leaving you here, and you’re mad at being neglected. She was your best friend. And the moment she left, suddenly she was everyone else’s. 

“Wait.” JJ’s voice cuts through your thoughts and your feel your heart ache. The few soft streams of light have found their way from in between trees and leaves onto his blond hair and blue eyes and you take a deep breath, mentally shaking yourself. Stop.

“We both lost our best friends. If there’s anyone who knows what you’re going through, it’s me. Yeah, I don’t like you and you don’t like me. But… be decent.” He nods, as if he wants you to agree. Your hands tighten on the straps on your backpack and you nod after a second. “I… Yeah. Sure. I… I’m Y/N.”

“Yeah, okay.” He nods, running a hand through his hair. “I know who you are.” You tear your gaze away from him and take deep breaths until you get inside. The moment you get inside the school bathroom, tears are rolling down your face and you let out quiet sobs, turning to the bathroom and kicking a bathroom door open, walking in and locking door. Her necklace around your neck feels like it’s choking you, and you press your palms against your temples, tears running down your cheeks and neck.

How long is it gonna feel like this?

────🫐────

[jubshead]

In my opinion <- strongly for ME

When it comes to Agatha All Along seems like people lose the plot & content about it as it goes, idk why but

1) Agatha is a Villain- she doesn't need redemption she's aware of herself & acknowledges her doings ( like wanda says " you do it you become the hero , I do it I become the enemy)

Agatha doesn't have to atone to what she's done or will continue to do ,does she feel bad hmm 🤪

So she's a serial killer - most those witches deserved it if you ask me, her salem coven completely did for wanting to put a child on trial because they were scared of her powers

"You don't see it holding me back " & it shouldn't hold her back she's a cunty witch no one forced anyone to follow her in her scheme she's a great con artist 🥵 I'd willing volunteer for you AGATHA HARKNESS 😏

Now I'm not saying her grief is an excuse, & that it's ohkay what she's done with her & Nicky's song but isn't a lil evil enjoyable😈 don't always have to be good doesn't mean you're always right

Like the ballad where all that's wrong is right & all that's bad is good!

² ) Agatha & Rio's love IS NOT toxic. What makes it toxic that rio gives & Agatha takes? If you think in depth their love is dynamic! Agatha is a person who time & time again is wronged by close & acquainted people of course she'd close herself from hurt when that's everyone's intentions without giving her a chance it's not her fault that people misunderstands & here comes Rio our amazing entity who knows how to show compassion because no ever will this is something Agatha deserves & Rio is literally the best example being that homo sapien feel the same way about death so who's best to understand Agatha than Rio herself & show & give Agatha what no one has? Their love makes sense & is precious because death can be seen to never be loved & here comes Agatha someone that's put off by people whom in their eyes seem like she's not capable of ever loving, yearns to want & give it & is giving it to death the best way she possibly knows how to, so who's to say their love is toxic?

3)Agatha is a Villain! That's what's perfect about her it's what makes her likeable

She is not evil( yes she is 😏🤭) , just misunderstood, not given a chance . She can still do & is doing the things even if she was good

] a daughter, a mother, a mentor ! Being a Villain doesn't stop her for being the things she was gifted with as Rio sees her for what she masks with - you just have to look through the disguise as well cause in time you'll see notice & you see if you pay close attention she isn't hiding as one would say you just aren't taking the time to notice because she's good at what she does best DECEPTION!

1 and 3) Yes, I agree! Agatha is a villain and she shouldn’t have a redemption arc! She doesn’t want to change and she won’t (tbh I prefer her as immoral lmao)

I think redemption arcs are usually very forced, just bc someone regrets their doing it doesn’t change what they did. She can have better actions, but being a villain isn’t really about what you do in the present, is about the way people view you and she’ll always be a villain in someone’s perspective, there’s no way for her to run from that title anymore.

People have the need for their favorite characters to be liked by everyone, have a moral high ground or something like that, but making her greedy and egoistic (in my opinion) gives her a bigger depth than “oh she always does what’s right”. Who the fucks only do what’s right?

I don’t agree that all of the witches she killed deserved, the only ones I know that deserved were her previous coven!

2) Agatha and Rio have a VERY complicated relationship.

Would I say it’s toxic? No, I wouldn’t!

Are they toxic people? Yes, they are!

I think they basically match each others freak to the point their toxicity doesn’t become toxic lol

And I also think that they have true feelings for each other, they can fight, they can argue, they can hurt, but when it comes to the important stuff they will take things seriously! Just like Rio did when she defended Agatha from her mother.

[leighsartworks216]

Doctor's Orders

Zayne x gn!Reader

I was working on a longer form version of this that just Was Not Happening, but this came out so easy so it's the version you're getting

@midiplier You sent your ask while I was writing the long-form version and I wish I got it out sooner but fuck it Christmas angst I guess

Warnings: grief/mourning, hurt/comfort, Christmas, childhood friends, cuddling, crying, not proofread, possibly OOC

Word Count: 839

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The lights twinkle in a little dance around the tree. Glass ornaments hang delicately along its branches. Tinsel shimmers and shines. The star at the top stares down at you.

You wipe your cheeks with your sleeves and the back of your hands. The tears keep coming, no matter how hard you try to stop them. They pool without ceremony in your eyes and slip free without even a sob to accompany them.

Zayne lowers himself to the carpet beside you. He doesn't speak. Doesn't say that you should be in bed. Doesn't need to ask what's wrong. What he does do is offer you a box of tissues. You grab a couple and hold them to your eyes, hoping they'll suck up the moisture.

This is the better alternative. Only a couple days before, Zayne visited your apartment to find it woefully devoid of any decoration. Dishes sat untouched in the sink, laundry overflowed the hamper, and the bags under your red-raw eyes spoke volumes. When Zayne asked you to spend the holidays at his place (practically running down an entire list of your excuses to convince you to please get out of your house), you packed the essentials and settled into his guest bedroom.

"I’m sorry for waking you," you croak out with a pitiful sniffle.

He shakes his head and offers you another tissue. "You didn't wake me," he assures. You can't tell if he's just lying to make you feel better or not, but it's a lot easier to believe he is. A whole lot easier to blame yourself than odd coincidence. "If you're about to apologize for being a bother, I'd rather you just blow your nose."

You take the tissue and turn your face away as you blow your nose. "That obvious?"

"You've apologized seven times already for intruding, even though I'm the one that invited you to stay," he gripes, but there's no real frustration behind it. He reaches for a blanket off the couch. It's barely used. He unfolds it and drapes it around your shoulders. "You don't have to apologize for your grief."

You shoot him a sardonic look. "Even if I'm mean to you?"

He smiles slightly. "Especially if you're mean to me. I know you well enough not to take it personally."

"You're so weird."

"If you say so."

You can feel the exhaustion in your back, your shoulders, under your eyes. You want to go to sleep. You want to curl up in bed and shut your brain off and pray it doesn't show you anything worse. But you don't. You turn back to the tree, trace your eyes over the same ornaments you've already memorized by now, and let the tightness in your chest weigh you to the spot.

You exhale shakily into the still air. The lights become a blurry bokeh as your eyes unfocus, staring at the ornaments Zayne's parents sent him from their travels. You'd numbly helped him set it all up a few days ago. You were so checked out that the loss didn't register. Now it keeps hitting you in full force, over and over.

Zayne must recognize your internal plight because he wraps an arm around you and pulls you into his side. You fall easily into his chest. His shoulder makes the perfect pillow to cry into. He rubs your arm up and down, doing his best to ground you and comfort you in one.

"I'm scared to go back to sleep," you admit in a choked whisper. "I'm scared I'll see their faces. And then I'll wake up and they aren't here."

He rests his cheek on your head. Josephine and Caleb had meant a lot to him, too, especially growing up, before he left. Countless memories of life when being carefree was expected. When getting into trouble was the norm. Days when he was still struggling to use his Evol, much to Caleb's amusement. Days when more time was dedicated to using it to form popsicles out of soda and poor attempts at sculptures to cheer up a certain other child.

Time truly does not change much.

"We'll stay up all night, then," he whispers back, feeling awfully like two children hiding under a blanket from the monsters of the night.

You scoff even as you turn further into him. Your wet cheeks are warm against his neck. "That doesn't sound like something a doctor would say."

He chuckles. "What if I said it was doctor's orders?"

A mangled sound escapes you. Zayne can only be sure it's a laugh with how your lungs spasm with the burst of exhaled air. "Then I guess I have no choice but to listen."

It's not ten minutes later that you're fast asleep in his arms, uncomfortably sitting on the carpet as legs fall asleep and backs ache. Zayne doesn't move from this spot, the silent aegis against all your fears. He will be here when you wake up. That means more to you than any gift under the tree.

---

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[crystallizsch]

I DIDNT THINK THE COLOR-MY-TREE MESSAGES WOULD BE OPEN FOR EVERYONE AT ONCE— IT’S NOT THE 25TH FOR ME YET-

oughhhhhghh anyways very long all-over-the-place, one-thought-leads-to-another sappy message below. read it or not, it’s up to you hdbjss (and don’t worry i’m not putting any messages on blast they were private for a reason 😭) it’s morning for me so i’m just AGH

i wanted to write a general thank-you message but as soon as i started typing all the words i wanted to properly say left my cranium and said “hey let’s be vulnerable” and so here we are.

anyways HI HELLO HI every message means A LOT💥💥💥, thank you to everyone who took time to write one for me. from the simple greetings, the silly messages, and the sweet and vulnerable ones. i will forever remember you all and i’ll keep you in my heart safe and sound. 💖

HARD PIVOT this small part can be skipped but i think i’ve only vaguely and briefly touched on this on my main but christmas eve especially is extremely rough for me. it’s not christmas or the holidays’ fault necessarily, but it’s because one of my parents passed away unexpectedly. so uh not a good memory to put it lightly. i only turned 18 that time, but as the oldest kid, i was already expected to “stay strong” and be the second parent. i felt the overbearing pressure because my family is not really in a “privileged” enough position to even be given the time to grieve + i was in the middle of starting uni so fuck that LMAO.

(something something that’s prob why i relate to jamil a lot HFJDJS but that’s a topic for another day maybe) (anyways just some. necessary??? background context i suppose.)

so uh backstory time. i was there for twst en when it came out but stopped and only got reintroduced to it last year because of an irl friend. i’ve been hooked into it for months BEFORE i started posting at the beginning of this year.

(shoutout yuuna for being my first yuu and shoutout yuusha for taking over my blog, she was never meant to be dragged out of the basement).

i thought this tumblr thing was just gonna be a way for me to distract myself from grief and pressure and the constant thoughts of ending it all. i NEVER would have imagined that i’d be part of community.

i really thought i’d just post art and leave and that’s it. i never thought i’d have people encouraging my creative fixations. i never thought i’d start talking to people. i never thought i’d genuinely make new close friends online. i never thought i’d have impact(???) on people.

i’ve always wanted this blog to just be a fun time where i don’t have to take anything seriously without any pressure. (i’ve definitely gotten more comfy posting whatever and that really feels more freeing).

i never expected to make so many connections because genuinely i only interact without expecting anything back. and the fact people even reciprocated is SUCH a genuine surprise for me. all my experiences thus far is so unbelievable to me even to this day still.

from the bottom of my heart i am trying my best to be a good person, because i don’t think i am. which is why i try to be as kind to myself the way i refer to myself and my work, and that i try to uplift others whenever i can and make sure whatever they do or make will be worth it. i know this sounds so vain of me but if it helps people out and it makes me feel better, i think that’s enough.

also it honestly feels so dumb to realize and admit that technically-speaking, if it weren’t for twst and the following experiences it brought me, i wouldnt be alive rn hdhdj

so to the people who told me i’ve made their days a little brighter. to the people that told me that i’m one of their reasons for getting the courage to start posting/putting themselves out there. to the people who are just so kind and funny to me. and to the people in general who just decided that i’m worth it.

happy holidays!! i love you all, and thank you for being a part of my life no matter who you are 💜💝

[selinymaz]

She sat on the counter with her coffee on her knee, legs moving back and forth. The warmth of the shower made her feel like an entire new person, with the addition of the comfy clothes. The hot cup of coffee that rested on her lap was a good distraction while new emotions of being in his home and in his presence continuously ran through her with every conversation and hour passing. She hadn't realized how easy it would be to fall back in sync with him and just how large of a hole he'd left in her life. She'd grown accustomed to it, even to the point where she failed to realize, until she found herself here. For a lot of her life, he'd been her person, confidante, the one who always had her back. She missed that.

"I'm glad that your mom is doing well." Her eyes landed on him when he mentioned himself, frowning slightly. She could tell that he was struggling but she knew even when the news reached her across the world that he would be a mess. Rodeo had been his identity for so long and it was essentially who he was, so it was natural that he felt completely unravelled without it. "I can't imagine how hard it's been. I won't feed you some bullshit that it'll get easier because it's in your blood. You'll always miss it." It was a loss, and much like her brother's death, that grief was something that she just got used to carry over time. It never eased. "But for whatever its worth, I'm here now. If the weight of it all becomes too much." For whatever he'd need; to grieve, to escape, to be distracted. She smiled at the mention of his nephew. "I bet. Do you have a picture? I can show you one of Billie. She's so big. So smart, brave, and kind. So much better than I ever was at her age."

Selin fished into her phone and pulled it out, handing the smiling picture of her niece upwards towards Wes. He'd likely seen her around but she still wanted to show him a more recent one. There was a flash of something across her face at his statement about her having changed. Maybe it was self-consciousness. Did people think it was bad? Would they prefer the old version? "A lot of it is the clothes, but maybe it is something else." A shaky breath came out. "I think I lost a lot of myself when..." She cleared her throat, frowning at the lump that wouldn't budge. "I needed to get out of this town and figure out what I wanted. I was worried about my dad, trying to run away from my demons. It was nice to run towards something for once." She chewed the inside of her cheek. "It was a lot. I don't think it ever felt like home like it did for Leyla. It was a necessity for work. This has been home but New-York taught me a lot. ——Is it bad?" She finally found the courage to ask, avoiding his gaze now. "Whatever you think changed." She wouldn't ever dare ask anyone else, but he was a safe space for her to be vulnerable.

Seeing Selin in this way, in the Parker family kitchen, the way he had countless times before.. it left an unsettling feeling in the pit of his stomach. A familiar one, a nostalgic one, but unsettling nonetheless. Wes watched her, his gaze softening at the sight as a small smile plays on his lips. It was so easy to fall back into rhythm like this with her, the way things almost felt effortless, like no time had passed at all. There was something comforting about having her here again — like a piece of his life that had been missing was suddenly back in place, even if just for a fleeting moment.

"Their lives are as chaotic as ever," he said, leaning against the counter across from her as he takes a sip of his tea. "They're.. well, I think my mom's happy I'm not.. you know." Selin knew all too well about his family's qualms over his choice of career. He knew she would understand that, too. "Eli's growin' up way too fast. He's a good kid." He realised she would've only known him as just a toddler; that was how much time had passed. It was a lot for his brain to compute. "He uh.. he's smart. Smarter than me." He paused, watching her for a beat longer, his brow furrowing slightly as he took in her expression, the way she looked at him. It wasn't just familiarity; it was more, but he couldn't quite place it. "I mean, I don't think they'd be surprised. Not by the fact that you're here with me, at least. But maybe a little shocked to see you in town, after all this time."

Did you put honey? Something of a smile tugs at his lips. "Of course. How could I forget?" Wes wanted to know more about her time in New York, about who she was. And when she claimed that she missed him, it took everything in him not to respond with the fact that he'd missed her, too. But he knew that once the words left his mouth, it would be harder to keep everything else buried. So, he held his tongue, letting the silence linger for a beat longer than usual before he spoke, his voice low and steady. “You seem different somehow,” he finally said, his gaze steady on her. "I always thought you'd make your mark somewhere big, you know? New York sounded like the perfect fit for you. —What's it been like?"

[nomsfaultau]

The Lambs Wolves Wear!Philza and Gendered Horror

This is an essay detailing my thoughts on gendered horror in my fic The Lambs Wolves Wear, wherein Philza’s children are replaced by monsters and he’s forced to maintain the mask of a family to survive. And I’d just like to put a disclaimer for tumblr “reading comprehension” dot com that I’m not a raging misogynist that believes men and women are separate species with no experience overlap, but instead observing societal expectations.

Gendered horror is about who is allowed to experience fear. The archetypical example being a final girl, as women are allowed to be emotional and scared and crying when being murdered, but men are often not afforded that. Because of societal pressure to repress their emotions, men are allowed fear but not allowed to show it. Furthermore, gendered horror is about what types of fears are narratively allowed to be done to different genders. This is blatant in topics like sexual violence, but it goes far deeper into the themes horror explored through different genders. Thus, I see merit in examining the types of horror Philza experiences in The Lambs Wolves Wear through a gendered lens, particularly as it pertains to his role as a father. This essay is going to be centered on the traditional Western paradigm of fathers as bread winners/protectors and mothers as nurturers/homekeepers, and how that pertains to gendered horror.

At the start of the story, Philza does not fall cleanly into the false societal dichotomy of father/mother roles. He can’t, given his status as a single parent, forced to provide both physically and emotionally, and excelling at both. Thus, he is in a position to explore horror from both the roles of father and mother within their societal archetypes.

Philza’s story is about the horror of failing to be a father.

Imbedded within the very premise of The Lambs Wolves Wear is Philza’s failure as a father to protect his family from external threats. He has already lost. He could not prevent his children from being taken, either through violence or threat thereof. Finding himself within the archetype of a vengeance hero with a classic slaughtered family, Philza naturally seeks violent retribution as is expected of him. However, it is not something he can deliver. Every second is a constant pounding reminder that he’s both too weak to protect his family and too weak to avenge them. Even worse, as time goes on he finds it increasingly difficult to even want to fulfill this expected violence in a deep betrayal of his missive to protect. Not only is he physically weak, but morally so as well. It’s an incredibly emasculating experience for him.

Second, as the damage the monsters inflict mounts, Philza loses the ability to provide sustenance to his family due to the razed cropland and slaughtered livestock. He is cut off from his work and left without a way to fulfill his family’s needs. This represents a second failure in protecting his family, albeit from a non physical threat. This aspect of fatherhood he weaponizes against the monsters, admitting his insecurities to manipulate them. It is the only grief that Philza is actually allowed to express, becoming an outlet for some of his fear. But not much, because men are expected to be unwavering and shoulder the responsibility without appearing weak. As a father he is not meant to be scared. But Philza spends the entire story so deeply, harrowingly afraid. This is the only place he succeeds as a father, in suppressing his emotions so others don’t know how badly he’s doing.

Still, Philza ultimately fails his duties as a father, unable to provide safety, physical needs, or vengeance.

Philza’s story is about the horror of being a mother.

First, establishing he fills an archetypal female role. While Philza outwardly suppresses emotional displays of fear as is expected from him, as the reader we’re privy to his harrowing terror and imposing sense of helplessness, which means from a narrative standpoint he’s still failing to hide his emotions. This emotional vulnerability is more permitted with women. Next put a check mark next to physical weakness compared to giant hellbeasts and undead armies. While male weakness compared to a foe is often explored given the aforementioned duties of protection, as a man Philza is still expected to try to fight back. He doesn’t. This emphasizes his powerlessness. And lastly, he is expected to preform massive amounts of emotional labor and other duties associated with motherhood. So, he is well positioned to explore certain (societal) aspects of female horror (though obviously not all).

The sole thing Philza can provide is emotional comfort, which falls within the traditional motherly role of nurturer. It becomes his only use, stripped of independence from the loss of his livelihood and the strict expectation that he will be a good parent (or else). He is put on a pedestal, expected to have no flaws, to never get angry or frustrated or overwhelmed, to have desires or ambitions outside of a motherly role. The wants of his “children” always comes first, even when it’s destroying him by violating what he needs. His only use is as a mother, and so he must be a perfect one or die. This aligns heavily with classic females roles in fiction (Being thus: Mother, damsel, whore, witch). Mothers in fiction are typically defined exclusively by what they provide for their far more important children, or what they fail to provide through their death. They are not people outside of their defined role. Philza is allowed no identity outside of nurturer.

Where once Philza had a role as a breadwinner, he is quickly stripped of that work, his domain becoming the household. He cannot leave, because why would he need to? That would get in the way of always being present and emotionally available to help his “children”. This cuts Philza off both from his community and from independence, as he is now reliant on the “children” to bring in food and water. Furthermore, the “children” are questionable providers yet Philza doesn’t have any other means of securing resources. This reflects the financial dependence that many women have been trapped in due to societal constraints limiting/forbidding jobs, bank accounts, being single/familyless. With no other option of survival, Philza has to pretend to be in love or be destitute (or murdered). The domestic abuse he experiences is endured because he is utterly dependent on the “people” abusing him, much like many, many, many women. And even should he escape, Philza was a subsistence farmer dependent upon his land, now the territory of the “children”. Razed as it is, it’s still the only means of survival he knew before he was forced to become a stay at home dad. So he stays. Home is a prison, but it is the only way he can survive.

Philza is forced to be responsible for the emotional state of others at the cost of his own mental health, and is expected to be perfect and exclusively dedicated to nurturing. He is controlled through dependence, isolation, the thin veneer of a family unit, and physical intimidation/abuse, which are themes deeply related to the horror of motherhood.

Closing thoughts:

In general media, there is a trend I’ve noticed in one gender adopting the role of another, specifically not in a trans context. A woman adopting a man’s role is empowerment. This is the marvel action girl heroes, the girlbosses, the ‘I learned to fight from my brothers’. But a man adopting a woman’s role is horror. It is the fear of the oppressor that they could be oppressed. Male horror is becoming dependent, the assumption dependence is inherently horrific because it can be abused so readily. And so in male horror, being a final girl is not just the horror of the experience, but of physical and EMOTIONAL weakness. Becoming a final girl -becoming a girl- is an unimaginable horror. If and only if you define womanhood as weak, crying, fragile, dependent, and identity-less outside their singular archetypal role.

The Lambs the Wolves Wear concerns itself with exploring those power inversions, a parent being abused by children, a father discovering the horror of motherhood. And. Well obviously I’m trans, so the message isn’t preventing said gender role transitions (well perhaps dismantling the roles into something healthy each individual decides but! Not the essay for that!). Similarly, children become caretakers for their elderly parents, or become parents themselves. It is a hierarchy that already naturally subverts itself. The horror is not from change, it is from power and lack thereof.

Crucially, as Philza desperately reaches for the vengeance hero archetype, we will likewise explore the horror of trying to maintain the man>woman and parent>child power hierarchy/expectations. The question becomes not forbidding these dynamic shifts, but how to facilitate them. How to REMOVE the horror, remove the abuse of said power dynamics both in their status quo and in their subversions.

So yeah. the gendered horror of Philza Minecraft, everyone.

[poorly-drawn-mdzs]

Look what we've become.

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[kens-ramblings]

so ik it’s not cannon accurate but,,,

i need a fic of tim just crashing out.

like he gets so sick of like damian and jason talking about how weak he is and shit like that that he’s like “yall realize lady shiva was my one of my FIRST teachers, and i was the first robin she trained. i had to train under b AFTER he already lost a robin. you DONT think he was 10x harder on me than any of you guys???? there’s a reason my training videos are mainly redacted without bruce’s or my permission. i got ra’s al ghul BEGGING ME to join his league or have my children. i get gifts from him WEEKLY. do you KNOW how many of his little ninja i fight per DAY??? nahh im sick of this shit let’s take it to the mats” and just demolishing both of them at the same time.

i just think it’d be very funny. i just like fics of people who pretend to be weaker than they are(or they just never really have a reason to go full tilt so they just don’t) get sick of holding back and just losing it :D