#it's sooooooo good. i just love it when people are deeply

[whatthefuckisasweep]

i just love characters who are unapologetically loverboys (gender neutral)

give me the yearning. give me the "i just want them to be happy, it's fine". give me the writing love letters and reading them in private before throwing them away. give me the "if they look at me today, that's enough for me". give me the daydreams about holding hands and touching shoulders and making them laugh. give me the "don't TOUCH them" and "I wouldn't let ANYTHING happen to YOU". give me the "i just want to be by your side and love you even if you don't feel the same, doesn't need to work out that way". give me the silent smiles of admiration when they aren't looking. give me laughing too hard at their joke and blushing because it's too much. give me the kicking your feet, gluing hearts to your sketchbook. give me being the butt of their joke but loving it because it's still attention. give me being breathless because their laugh. give me refusing to throw away a gift or item from them, because even though it's trash it's important. and most importantly give me all of this without the expectation of anything in return. give me. GIVE ME NOW.

[cutielando]

celebrations are in order | max verstappen

social media au

synopsis: in which you make the most of his third wdc

my masterlist

liked by maxverstappen1, francisca.cgomes and 3,291,483 others

yourusername feels so good being back at the paddock tagged: maxverstappen1

view all 857,313 comments

maxverstappen1 out of all the pictures you took of me...

yourusername i love these

maxverstappen1 of course you do

redbullracing Glad to have you back, Y/N!

francisca.cgomes MY WIFE BACK IN THE PADDOCK ❤️❤️

yourusername i missed you sooooooo much !!! ❤️❤️

lilymhe GIRL LUNCH !!!!!!

user1 THE PEOPLE'S WAG IS BACK IN THE PADDOCK

user2 all is well when Y/N is in the garage😩😩

alex_albon max will finally be in a good mood

maxverstappen1 i can read these, you know

yourusername that's why i'm here. we're all tired of moody max😔

maxverstappen1 I CAN READ THESE

user3 our good luck charm has arrived ❤️❤️

user4 like he needs a good luck charm to dominate the entire grid🥲

landonorris what took you so long?

yourusername some people have a life, you know?

landonorris not when you're involved in f1 they don't

yourusername you're lucky i like you, otherwise you would have received a rant 😠

maxverstappen1 i've received one. trust me mate, you don't want to be on the receiving end

yourbff still sad you didn't take me with you 😔

yourusername you are literally on the other side of the globe⁉️

yourbff i don't see your point

yourusername maxverstappen1 help me out here

maxverstappen1 i'm not getting between you two again

user5 Y/N, do you think Max will win the championship after this race?

yourusername i am keeping my fingers crossed, he has had an incredible season and i think he's going to do everything in his power to end it on a high🫶🏻

user4 so well said

user6 Y/N being there for his Championship title win >>>>

user7 i want a relationship like theirs:(((((

user8 if they ever break up, i'm going to stop believing in love😭

charles_leclerc it's nice to have you back, y/n. haven't seen you in a while

yourusername it feels so good to be back. life has been kicking my ass but I'M BACK BITCHES

carlossainz55 FORZA FERRARI

yourusername wow, too much dude...

charles_leclerc ...

maxverstappen1 ...

carlossainz55 ...sorry...

victoriaverstappen i've missed you so much!!!! so glad to have you back, the boys are excited to see auntie Y/N!!❤️❤️❤️

yourusername i can't wait to see my favorite little munchkins ❤️❤️❤️

maxverstappen1 what about me?

yourusername i’m sorry, babe. you can’t compete with lio and luka for this one

victoriaverstappen you could never compete with them

maxverstappen1 wow, betrayed by my own blood..

liked by yourusername, victoriaverstappen and 5,391,584 others

maxverstappen1 I cannot thank everyone enough. Being on this journey, achieving what we have achieved together this season has been incredible. A massive thank you to the team and for everything they do for us, a shoutout to my family for always supporting me and a special thanks to my Y/N. I couldn't have done any of this without you, I love you.❤️ tagged: redbullracing and yourusername

view all 958,251 comments

yourusername watching you race and do what you love is my favorite thing. i'm proud of you beyond words and i can't wait to see what you do in the future. i love you so much❤️🫶🏻

maxverstappen1 thank you for being you🩵

redbullracing You are one of a kind, Max. Seeing you go down in history books right before our eyes is the biggest privilege. Let's finish the season on a high together and look forward to next year!💙 liked by maxverstappen1 and yourusername

landonorris well done, mate. the y/n effect was obvious

maxverstappen1 thanks mate

yourusername you're just jealous i didn't cheer you on as loudly

landonorris i'm deeply hurt, actually

maxverstappen1 dude, get your own cheerleader and stop trying to steal mine

yourusername boys, don’t worry, you know i support everyone almost equally

landonorris almost?

yourusername i’ll always be a redbull girlie at heart

schecoperez let's go!!! liked by maxverstappen1

user1 he did it for Y/N i'm sobbing😭😭😭

user2 UNSTOPPABLE MAX STRIKES ONCE AGAIN🫶🏻🫶🏻🫶🏻👏👏👏👏🩵

user3 the tribute to Y/N had me in tears >>>>>>>>>>>

user4 they are such a power couple😩😩😩💙

user5 the season was boring, max is taking all the fun out of the sport by winning all the damn time💀

yourusername he deserves every single win that he gets, he's good. if you believe the sport is boring, don't watch it. stop hating on drivers just because they are successful, you have no idea what it's like to be in their shoes

user2 PERIOD👏👏👏

user1 QUEEN ATE AND LEFT NO CRUMBS👸🫶🏻

user3 YOU TELL THEM Y/N

victoriaverstappen we're so proud of you, Max. you're truly one of a kind🩵

maxverstappen1 i love you guys❤️

yourusername you guys are making me cry😭😭

maxverstappen1 baby, you literally just stopped crying a minute ago

yourusername I CAN’T HELP IT OKAY⁉️⁉️

alex_albon max once again making all of us look bad

maxverstappen1 i’m sorry man

yourusername you don’t need his help for that

alex_albon ouch

user9 BABABAHAHQHQHQHQ Y/N WAS SUCH A SAVAGE FOR THIS HAHAHAHA

georgerussell63 party tonight?

maxverstappen1 you know it

yourusername brave yourselves

christianhorner always a pleasure watching you work your magic, Max 👏

maxverstappen1 thank you, christian. your support means very much to me

yourusername awww, you’re like father and son🥹🥹

christianhorner we might as well just adopt him

gerihalliwellhorner 2 kids isn’t enough for you?

christianhorner no

liked by maxverstappen1, landonorris and 3,194,853 others

yourusername words cannot begin to describe the pride i feel when i look at this man. Max, the things you have achieved have completely made me fall in love with you all over again. your dedication, your talent and your craft are a delight to experience and i can't be more grateful to be the one you share life with. i'm looking forward to seeing what the future has in store for you, and know that i'll be with you every single step of the way. i love you, my world champion❤️ tagged: maxverstappen1

view all 763,192 comments

maxverstappen1 forever grateful that you exist in my life❤️i don’t know what i did to deserve you

yourusername you’re gonna make me cry again😭❤️

maxverstappen1 please don’t

yourusername too late

francisca.cgomes i have never seen you cry so much, it made me cry with you 😭😭😭❤️

yourusername i love you ❤️❤️😭😭

pierregasly what..?

maxverstappen1 don’t even ask

yourusername YOU WOULDN’T UNDERSTAND 😭

francisca.cgomes DON’T JUDGE US 😭😭😭😭

yoursister the entire family is sending Max the biggest congratulations !!! we can’t wait to see both of you to celebrate properly ❤️❤️

yourusername ❤️❤️❤️we miss you guys

maxverstappen1 thank you very much !!! looking forward to celebrating with the in-laws ❤️

landonorris when did you become the simp in the relationship?

yourusername don’t you have better things to do?

landonorris not really

maxverstappen1 you should get a hobby

landonorris annoying your girlfriend is my favorite hobby🤭🤭

oscarpiastri do i have to come to the party? 🫣

yourusername yes

maxverstappen1 only if you want to, we’re getting shitfaced either way

oscarpiastri so i can not come? 🥹

yourusername you’re coming, end of story.

user1 Y/N dragging Oscar to Max’s party is the most Y/N thing ever 😂😂

user2 poor Oscar must be regretting his life choices right about now 💀

oscarpiastri i am (please send help)

user1 BABAHQHQH OSCAH😭😭

user3 you can tell how much she loves him 😭❤️❤️

user4 i’m 100% positive Max couldn’t have achieved all of this without Y/N

user5 why? she didn’t do anything to help him at all

user4 it’s not all about performance on the track, a lot of factors go into it. she’s been supporting him for a very long time and that means a lot for someone with a lifestyle like his

user3 exactly, every driver needs someone to help them disconnect from the chaos that follows them all year round during the season

alex_albon you’re such a simp

georgerussell63 simp

charles_leclerc simp

landonorris simp

oacarpiastri simp

maxfewtrell simp

yourusername MAX????

maxverstappen1 …

yourbff your boyfriend is a beast

yourusername i know 🤭 that he is, in more ways than one

maxverstappen1 you know it 😏😋

yourbff HORNY ASSES

lilymhe can’t wait to get drunk and celebrate tonight!!

yourusername you and me both girl 😅

maxverstappen1 me three

liked by yourusername, victoriaverstappen and 3,201,835 others

maxverstappen1 safe to say i remember nothing from last night tagged: yourusername and 9 others

view all 854,281 comments

yourusername it might be for the best

maxverstappen1 was i that bad?

yourusername no... 🤐

landonorris damn right you don't

maxverstappen1 what is that supposed to mean?

landonorris you downed a whole bottle of tequila in less than half an hour. by yourself.

yourusername while taking sips from my drink as well

maxverstappen1 i was thirsty, ok?

oscarpiastri i am never drinking with you again😩

maxverstappen1 what did i do?

yourusername you wanted to undress him in front of the whole club and have him play limbo with you naked

oscarpiastri you didn't have to give the details...

maxverstappen1 i would've loved to see it either way

yourusername MAX!! LEAVE OSCAR ALONE

maxverstappen1 fine...😔

oscarpiastri thank you Y/N😅

georgerussell63 my liver hates you right now

maxverstappen1 don't blame me, it's not like i poured alcohol down your throat

yourusername you did

maxverstappen1 oh..

user1 these comments are just confirming what a party animal Max is and i'm here for it 🤣🤣

user2 y/n sounds so done hahahah😭😭

alex_albon i have no words left

maxverstappen1 i'm sorry for whatever i have done to you

alex_albon we vowed never to speak of it

yourusername this discussion is over

redbullracing sigh... giving us a run for our money, aren't you? 😆

maxverstappen1 i like keeping you guys entertained

redbullracing very kind of you. don't do it again 😐

user3 did y/n not drink?

yourusername i did, but i was relatively sober so i could keep an eye on everyone haha

yourusername i love you <3 even when you're drunk and unhinged

maxverstappen1 i love you too, thank you for taking care of me ❤️

user4 y/n taking care of max >>>>>>>>

user5 i love them. 😭😭😭❤️

charles_leclerc great singing on your part

yourusername i thought we agreed we weren't gonna mention the singing...

maxverstappen1 I SANG????????????

charles_leclerc oh yes, very loudly so

maxverstappen1 yourusername never let me drink again

yourusername i couldn't stop you if i wanted to

maxverstappen1 damn.. wild night, hehe

comments and re-blogs help us grow!

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[gardenschedule]

just came across your excellent post of quotes about the lennon-mccartney rivalry! there's sooooooo much to unpack there, but i was especially struck by your tags and hoping you could say more:

paul thrived with someone to compete against but it hurt john a lot and seemed to wear him down#i personally believe it's the number 1 cause of the breakdown of their relationship and the breakup itself#because it lead to john stacking his deck with allies like yoko and klein and looking for his own niches to succeed in without paul there

Well that's just my armchair psychoanalysis of John haha, I think he had some seriously debilitating (and mostly unwarranted) insecurities in general and particularly in regards to Paul. Their rivalry was always present but as long as their relationship was in a good place, they were working closely together and John could consider himself top dog, it was a positive motivating force for both of them and they could share the glory. But then Paul became increasingly independent (musically, artistically and socially), started churning out A-sides at a pace John struggled to match, and competing with Paul stopped being fun and was more of a source of unhappiness and stress. Then something happened (in India or around that time) that caused him to feel worthless and humiliated, while Paul was just fine, recently engaged, etc. If you're John Lennon and you've developed an inferiority complex along with a fear of being left behind or surpassed, what do you do? You strengthen your position with people like Yoko (a stalker with artistic cred who was willing to spend every moment with him) and Klein (a John guy who flattered him and made it clear he saw John as the boss), so you've got security and support. You free yourself from the pressure to compete with Paul in music by finding different ways to stand out, like politics and art. Then you're in a position where you don't need Paul and you don't need to beat him. You try to get some power back by provoking him with Yoko related antics and threatening a divorce you don't necessarily plan to follow through on - all he has to do to get you back is submit to your demands, then you have your top dog status back and you know he loves you enough to give you that. After all, when Ringo quit he got wooed back with flowers. When George quit, he got enough leverage to make changes to how they worked. But instead, Paul retreats to Scotland, inadvertently announces the breakup, then sues you. So you publicly rage about it and are deeply hurt for the rest of your life, even thought he technically just gave you what you asked for. Few journalists or authors bother to question this and just accept that you were too good for the Beatles and were bored by them and that's why the group broke up. The end.

Anyway hope that all made sense <3

[ohbo-ohno]

simon putting both johnny and reader in the dog crate together just for funsies. he puts johnny in a cock cage and ties his leash to the bars to restrict his movement even further. you're both crammed in such a tight space together and johnny can't even fuck you!! neither of you can even move!!! he's just pressed against you with zero relief!!! he whines and tries to rut his extremely hard and uncomfortable cage against your back, which keeps you up all night. the only other sounds you can hear are the low, deeply disconcerting sounds of ghost laughing at both of your discomfort.

wrote about reader in johnny's crate here and both of them in the crate together here

i have several thoughts about reader being in johnny's cage and they haunt me at all hours of the day

i think on the one hand he would love it. he'd be so fucking insufferable, would lose his mind seeing you locked in the cage instead of him. but i also think he'd be a little pissy like? that's My Cage Why Is She In There

the image of simon locking you up in the cage as a punishment for you and johnny both (the cage is punishment for you, having nothing to fuck is punishment for johnny) and then watching as johnny just gets sooooooo needy. needs ghost Now, needs him constantly, needs so much extra affection and love :(

i put it in that second post i linked but im a big fan of ghost tying your leash to the bars of the cage because he wants you to be uncomfortable :/ the cage is johnny-sized, which means it's big for you and gives you plenty of room to move around. has to keep you on your belly somehow, tying the leash to the floor is good enough until he can get you your own little cage

also ohhhh my god being locked up with the horny puppy as punishment has me :( if johnny is in a cock cage then he's just fucking feral all night, humps and humps endlessly and keeps you both awake. if he's uncaged then he fucks you nearly once an hours, driven insane by your body so close to his, in his puppy space. can't help but fuck you endlessly :(

one time he fucks you and simon doesn't even wake up. another time you wake up to johnny already pounding you, open your eyes and see simon just hovering above the cage.

listen to simon laugh as you complain. you and johnny are both muzzled, so you can't talk like people but you can talk like puppies. lots of whining and whimpering and growling :( gives simon a kick to listen to you try and play mean with johnny when he wont listen to your whining, likes watching johnny fuck you back into your place

[mojavejourneys]

The Deityverse - A Final Fantasy VII x Soul Calibur AU - part 1

sooooooo since my good friend @theghostavocadoe posted their art of one of the remnants for this AU, it's high time I just talked about it because GAWD DAYUM I HAVE A LOT TO SAY. And yes this ended up as a crossover AU because I made all their designs in the Soul Calibur VI character creator so it ended up getting some Soul Calibur lore mixed in there, along with nods to other mythologies because I'm a fuckin nerd lmao

Anyways the basic premise of this AU is that Genesis, Sephiroth and Angeal all serve as the three patron gods of the city/nation of Alfitaria (if you picked up that this was a nod to FF: Crystal Chronicles you'd be RIGHT), and many of the other FFVII cast work for them. There is also the nation of Wutai, led by a pantheon of gods headed by Tseng who take care of the threat of malfested beings. And finally, the underworld is governed by Jenova (who is very morally grey in this AU but she can be hella manipulative when she wants to be)

Putting this under a cut cuz this is about to get LONG. And it's going to be in multiple parts. This part will talk about the Carpe Vinum Pantheon (notably the FFVII cast who are part of it), along with a bit of background.

Anyways, beginning with the Carpe Vinum Pantheon, the pantheon that rules over Alfitaria...

Genesis Rhapsodos, Patron God of the Arts and Passions, Wielder of the Divine Flame

Genesis governs the creative spirit of Alfitaria's citizens after he was adopted into the pantheon following a past he's not particularly proud of, but he does his utmost to ensure that he makes his worshippers happy. He inspires creativity and passion in all forms, not just the passion of love, but the passion of the craft too. He's a phoenix-adjacent deity with dominion over the elements of fire and lightning.

~

Sephiroth Lunatum, Patron God of War and Morale, Wielder of the Divine Hurricane

Sephiroth is the one who governs the city's morale, which was only found out after a decree from Myrrh (the all-powerful god of the world also known as He Who Surveys All) that led to him leaving the pantheon for a time and going mad, inciting the Vengeful Hurricane War (this AU's equivalent of the Nibelheim Incident). After seeking forgiveness and showing remorse, Sephiroth was instated as a patron god and serves to inspire the nation's warriors. He is a naga-adjacent being with dominion over the elements of wind and ice.

~

Angeal Hewley, Patron God of Homesteading and Constitution, Keeper of the Divine Deluge

Angeal is the one who serves the land, and he's the one who ensures the livelihoods of the farmers who provide food for the citizenry. He much prefers to be low-key and humble about his status as a divine being, and his temple is a refuge for those fleeing dangerous situations or those who just want sanctuary. He is a merfolk-adjacent being with dominion over the elements of water and earth.

~

Cloud Strife, Seraph of Bravery

Cloud is the seraph who sings the praises of the patron gods, but he also doesn't take any shit from the higher powers. He's not afraid to stand up for what's right, and he earned his title of the Seraph of Bravery after singlehandedly making the decisive move that helped bring the Vengeful Hurricane War to an end.

~

Zack Fair, Demigod of Loyalty

Zack is the one who represents loyalty, and he was mentored by Angeal. He's very rambunctious and exciteable, hence why some people think he's a puppy. But he cares deeply for his nation, his fellow divine entities and his friends.

~

Kadaj, Yazoo and Loz, the Demigod Generals of Sephiroth

When Sephiroth was defeated during one of the battles of the Vengeful Hurricane War, his remains were sent down to a lake in the underworld. His willpower was that strong that several fragments formed and became his remnants.

Kadaj represents his unbridled rage and desire for bloodshed.

Yazoo represents his strategy and cunning, along with his wisdom.

Loz represents his raw strength, along with his repressed emotions.

Following Sephiroth's return to the pantheon, these three became demigods and now serve as his generals, and he sees them as his sons.

(The SCVI designs were made with some input from @theghostavocadoe, though they've revamped the designs into something better!)

~

Gideon Biggs, Seraphic Provisioner

Biggs is Angeal's seraph and helps keep the city stocked up on supplies, along with his fellow angels Jessie Rasberry and Wedge. He seems very rough and rugged on the outside, but he's got a heart of gold and cares deeply about those he's close to.

~

Scarlet, Goddess of Weaponry

Scarlet is the very-much-disliked goddess whose temple is situated on the city's outskirts. She is in charge of providing weapons for the armies and ensuring that shipments of weapons go where they're needed. She got her role after Sephiroth was exiled from the pantheon, and she rules her part with an iron fist. The angels under her command are treated horribly, with one of them serving as a footstool (whom she calls Ottoman). While everyone talks about getting rid of Scarlet, they can't because she is incredibly good at her job, and she does it well.

~

Aerith Gainsborough, Head Priestess of the Temple of the Divine Flame

Aerith was taken in at a young age by Genesis when her mother Ifalna (the previous head priestess) was killed at the temple steps by a malfested god who utterly despised Genesis (from the past he doesn't talk about). She eventually decided that she wanted to work as his head priestess, and now she leads the services at the temple, taking offerings and making sure her god gets his praises. She loves flowers. Despite her seemingly lithe appearance, she is a demigoddess and has a staff that she's not afraid to use. Watch out if she grabs the steel chair though.

[tomboyyyaoi]

im about to be sooooooo controversial and mean here and like. all love to both and all coz i truly dont think theres a bad ship in trigun but millywood shippers understand wolfwood more than vashwood shippers do

like girl hes a deeply sad tragic brooding hardass with a sillyboy streak who is so goopy and soft for this absolute ray of sunshine whos so observant and open that she saw right thru him like yea the manga lacks severely on millywoods but im smiting people who say it felt forced or out of character in the 98 anime like no maybe u just dont understand either of the characters and what makes them good together

vashwood is such a wonderful tender immaculately written romantic tragedy but ive ranted to death about how certain fans just see 2 hot guys and push them into tropes and completely miss what makes them so good. let wolfwood be soggy we need to end this false narritive that hes some sexy smooth dom daddy just bc hes got that typical Big Strongk Man facade when it comes to his feelings

wolfwood is an emotionally repressed soggy sappy lump who has this impenetrable facade that hes some tough brood and milly is girly and bubbly and ditzy but shes so clever and observant and warm and open we need to respect them more im tired of ppl ragging on them just for being a 98 anime exclusive limited original bc lets be real theyr the only pairing who actually managed to break past their own emotional walls and have sex in a canon setting

[inthedreamatorium1]

Episode 7 is?? Perfect??

My incoherent thoughts below.

Colin crying? CRYING? I was dreading that confrontation at the start of the episode but choosing to use the shot of Luke crying made it so much more devastating. Sure, you could have had him yelling and being loud and angry, which is justified. But to be quietly and tearfully DEVASTATED? With the tears running down his cheeks? Uff. Punch me harder in the gut, why don't you Luke.

I got a brief Penelope-Benedict interaction. I'm THRIVING.

I really enjoy Colin grappling with his beloved Pen being LW. I live for the angst.

Portia is a pleasant surprise. She's always wanted what's best for her daughters and has never apologized for that. But I also appreciate her being honest with Penelope about why she is the way she is, and that she's trying to be better. That's what I wanted with this season and I'm so happy Penelope is receptive to it.

(I also need a special one-off series with a young Violet and Portia SO badly. These two have a history that goes beyond being neighbors. I need to know more)

Violet falling victim to what her children endured when they met someone they were attracted to? Karma.

I do love John and I'm going to pretend that what's going to happen isn't actually going to happen. He's so sweet on Francesca.

The Genevieve and Penelope scene was so lovely. Gen dropping her accent with Pen because they each know the other so well. Gosh, I wish Gen could have been at their wedding.

The "WHAT GOOD AM I TO YOU?" leading into sex? UMMMM. HELLO? They're constantly horny for each other, we are so hashtag blessed. Also, there is nothing Colin loves more than sticking his fingers into Pen. I said what I said.

Kate-Anthony-Colin was a nice surprise but I should stop being surprised. Jess has done an amazing job linking the Bridgertons together this season.

THE WEDDING?! Their nods to each other, letting the other know that they're okay, that they want this was so beautiful. And to top it off, Eloise cried. My love.

Also? Prudence crying at their wedding? SOB

The Benedict and Eloise scene at the wedding? I'm so torn about who I think the next season main is going to be but I know whoever's season it is, the other will be very much apart of it. These two are so close, how could they not? Both of them are feeling lost this season. Unsure of their place in society, unsure of how to feel about love. I just want them to find peace and love.

Kate and Anthony are very sweet and they're clearly explaining why Jonathan and Simone won't be in s4 much but to travel to India while she's probs 6 months pregnant is... a bold choice.

The wedding dance to "You Belong To Me" was so perfect. I love that it turned into just them dancing because no one else mattered in that moment. They were just two people, who love each other deeply. And the soft way Colin ran his fingers down her cheek SWOON. If the Queen hadn't shown up when she did, he absolutely would have kissed her. He started to lean down!

PENELOPE WAS ABOUT TO STEP FORWARD. I think we can all agree that Colin would not have handled that well if she hadn't been interrupted.

Penelope and Eloise reuniting. Okay, I cried.

Bisexual Benedict RISE. I'm honestly sooooooo surprised they revisited it as I thought it was just a tease from season 1. I'm excited for him to meet his Sophie but I'm also excited for him to explore his sexuality before doing so.

(also Luke Thompson kissing a man? Here for it)

I suspected that they'd follow the books and have Cressida find out about Penelope but I wasn't sure how exactly she would do that. It was really clever how they did it. As of now, I really do sympathize with what Cressida is going through and I think her doing what she can to take ownership of her live is great. How that's going to turn out for her in the last episode (and therefore how I'm going to feel about it) is another story.

[soullikethesea]

Making sense

I'm engaging in that same thing I did when I was a child, which is not thinking about/talking about what happened. Sometimes it pops up somewhere far, far away in the background. But it's all coated in silence and shame. I am the one who went to my parents, so it feels wrong to ask for sympathy.

After writing that last sentence, it all feels empty inside again. Nothing happened, right? I'm the one who's wrong. I think spending time together made me feel like they would be much better off without me. Like it's a puzzle and I don't fit. It must be some sort of failing that made me so out of place.

A bad moment was when we were talking about presenting and I said that it's fine for me now and it was when I was a child. As a child the school thought I was struggling emotionally, so they made me present in front of different classes (presumably to build self-esteem)? But I didn't understand and I thought it was no big deal to do that. (Newsflash: it didn't help me). But when I was a teenager I was scared of presenting, to the point where one time I fainted during a presentation.

And my stepmum was just staring at me when I said this and I felt sooo out of place, once again. It looked like she wished I didn't exist, so I couldn't influence her precious children. Maybe it reminded her of how lost I was as a teenager? How hurt? But in her mind, probably: how crazy and bad.

They are all a normal family and then there's my traumatized being that can't be normal. My dad was saying some really controversial things again, as he often does (and literally got cancelled for). And my stepmum said: "thankfully we all know that he doesn't mean literally saying that" and I had a tiny pause inside, where I realized again that with my concrete thinking I do tend to take what people say as what they mean. So maybe if I had that skill of somehow knowing what is meant and what isn't, I could have been saved.

My brother said that my dad is clearly conflict-attracted, while our uncle is conflict-avoidant. So I guess it must have been something in their past that lead to those different styles. It's true that my dad tends to escalate things.

And I am still scared of him. Maybe I am the only one who is scared of him. I just can't shake the fear. It is so deeply engrained. That feeling that I was melting down and no one in the whole world cared or would try to keep me safe. Well, my mum did, but she left me there. With the man that was so intense to her that she turned into a ball of tears and rage whenever she even saw him for one minute.

And I didn't know what to think or feel or believe. I loved him, of course. He was big and wild and strong. He wanted to play rough housing and soccer. He wanted me to be tough like a boy. And he had no clue what to do about my sensory sensitivities, sensory overwhelm, attachment dysregulation, and feelings of unsafety. So what did he do? He yelled at me and hit me and left me alone crying.

A tiny mistake could lead to a big outburst on his side. And then when I was scared I cried, and he would then scold me for crying. He would get sooooooo angry with me for being upset. And my stepmum was worse. She wouldn't talk to me directly, but would tell him what to do or what I did wrong.

I never have learned how to read her at all. She is so good at seeming friendly, but then actually feeling different inside. She scares me a lot as well.

So with everything, I turn into a shadow of myself.

And when we left all I wanted was to hurt myself and try to erase myself and apologize for existing. And then apologize for apologizing and for struggling. I guess there is no way to win.

[diesoonandsuffer]

I FINISHED TNG!

please clap.

i never actually did an update on my thoughts post since season 3, so i figured before i watched the movies i'll do a summary of my thoughts on the show.

first off it apparently took me over a year to finish it since i started in july of 2022, and it's now august of 2023. this isn't because i didn't like it or anything, i just kept doing other stuff and unlike with tos, i wasn't watching it WITH someone, so i wasn't on a schedule of any kind. however i did enjoy the show, i grew to like the characters quite a lot and i was invested in their stories. it was definitely a different vibe to tos, while tos is quite episodic, campy, and a bit dated, tng is less campy, a bit less episodic, and slightly less dated lol. it did kind of annoy me that we would start to get these longer arcing plots and then they would be abandoned or forgotten. for example at the beginning of the show it seemed like riker and troi were going to have a lot more "drama" in the show but nothing really happened with them, and then at the very end of the show they put her with worf and don't really explore that fully. i don't just mean romantic pairings but that's an example of what i mean. there was also just a general quality difference in episodes, maybe it was more noticeable here than in tos since tng was longer, but towards the end of the show in particular we got really good episodes followed by quite shit ones. by the time the show ended i didn't really feel like it was ready to end, if that makes sense. i feel like it was always toeing the line between being episodic and being a show with long plots. in general -- was fun. i had a good time. i've forgotten a lot from the beginning but oh well.

here i'll give my thoughts on the characters since that's what i used to do. in no particular order:

picard: i really don't have many strong opinions about him, some episodes he definitely was more entertaining than others. i think i would have liked to see him fail more often because generally he seems too capable at times. i do enjoy the rare moments where he loosens up. despite the longer screentime he had i weirdly feel like he has less depth than kirk? let me know if this is a crazy take but i don't feel like picard is a particularly complicated man, he doesn't seem like he has a lot of inner turmoil or conflict about things, meanwhile kirk is going through it at all times. not to constantly compare the two but. well, i just did

troi: the most beautiful woman in the world i'm such a whore when i look at her. when she got a real uniform i whooped and hollered and when she become a COMMANDER bitch?!?!?! i really do wish they did more with her character she had sooooooo much potential with being half-betazed and they never really give it the exploration it deserves, they use it when its convenient and forget when it isn't. i feel like if we had gotten one more season she could have really shined but they were like i know let's spend the last couple of episodes we have with her making her date worf i guess. also why did they give her mom so much trauma. that wasn't nice.

worf: i grew to like him more and more as the show went on, like whenever i would realize the episode i was watching was going to be a worf-focused episode i would get excited. he's one of those unintentionally funny characters which makes him entertaining, but i also find it interesting seeing the way he balances his klingon heritage with his role as a starfleet officer. i love how much he loves being a klingon, and how he always wants to teach other people about it and let them, in turn, learn more about him. he cares deeply and he tries hard even if he doesn't get it right. i know he's in ds9 so i'm happy to see more of him when i finally get to that

riker: we didn't get enough of him tbh. it felt like there would be multiple season gaps between his solo episodes. like for someone who is the first officer he didn't feel very relevant to the show, they stopped caring about his character after a while. he would have maybe a small arc in certain episodes but he was mostly there because he had to be? maybe the sporadic way i watched is effecting my memory on this. but i really like him, i think he's funny and i like his rogue tendencies.

geordi: we also didn't get enough of geordi. i love him but i feel like i barely know anything about him. but i love how genuinely kind and caring he is, and he's also in the scotty position of "the ship would fall apart without him" i feel like every episode picard would be like geordi fix this! help! also i wish he would have kissed the android.

data: hey it's the android. i love this dude. however i am getting a little overexposed to the dude and i know the movies are only going to continue that. idk why by s6-7 they were like "we're out of ideas for data. what if he liked killing and hurt his crewmates and was maybe evil" which is so lazy. like it would all somehow get resolved by the end and everyone would just move on like data wasn't a genocide machine two minutes ago. the finale reminded me of the way data used to be, where he would constantly ask people questions and say obvious things, and i realized i really missed that. he has dreams and shit now he's not really as compelling. he's been a human to me from day 1 so they didn't need to do all that. however brent spiner continues to be very funny.

beverly: um she certainly was there. don't get me wrong i like her but i feel like i never had any strong attachment to her. she didn't get many solo episodes and the last one i can remember (with the fucking. ghost?) was not good. yeah i can't really think of anything else to say. she's fine.

wesley: ok i know he like left the show after a certain point but i would be remiss to mention again that his arc did not end in a good way and he should get to take a NAP why does he have to keep being SO SPECIAL. also why does anyone ever hate this kid he was like 12 he literally was so non offensive to the show. but i did really like every time he came back after wil wheaton left i feel like wesley brings a new perspective to the show that is needed.

honorable mention ro laren: she's my icon right now so i feel like i have to mention her. i would have loved to see more of her in the show, i found her character really compelling and complex. i liked how she was always a bit of a bitch. i'm on the fence of how i feel about her arc ending, i feel like the episode with geordi and the one where she was turned into a kid both were made to help her feel more like the enterprise could be a home for her. they didn't give me much reason to believe otherwise? i don't care about her leaving, i liked that both her and wesley left starfleet even if the show didn't have the time or capacity to explore it, but i didn't fully believe her reasoning. but i loved every time she was there.

i have probably forgotten. many things. i was in the sun all day and maybe have heat exhaustion. but i'm starting generations in like 10 minutes and i realized i needed to make this post before i watched it. thank you for coming along on this year-long journey of me watching tng. we did it boys

[pinkmoondoll9shihtzu]

pinkmoonmutual i think i have come to u about my adoring fixations on older men before. I woke up from a dream where I was hanging out with this guy I really like and it was so wonderful and perfect and exactly what I want from him....a very nice dream to have, and it fits into what ive been working on recently which is human relationships and figuring out what I want and how to have it... its difficult for me because I love people SO MUCH often after a very short amount of time, this is especially true of older people because I crave sibling affection I didn't get growing up but it happens with people my own age too. and ah idk I'm never sure how to express it to people because love and intensity are things most people only want and expect from romantic attraction. and I'm not opposed to that but especially with older men this becomes difficult because the people I love are not interested in dating people 10 years younger than them and really it would be inappropriate (this guy was my professor! not gonna happen!) and i just end up feeling really creepy and weird and not knowing what to do with this huge adoration and affection inside me. so tricky I really wish you could just be /in love/ with someone and tell them and have them see it as a nice thing and not me trying to get sex or romantic commitment from them. i wish i was a little dog so i could just curl up at his feet and have it be simple. guuuuhhhhhhhh honestly i just wanted to tell you about my crush. I only knew this guy for like a month and a half so its a bit silly but hes so pretty and smart and cool and really inspired me to live and pushed me in the direction im currently going. its just tricky tricky im probably over complicating it but do you think there's more to love than the relationships that people in our world expect? I love people like theyre a god TT .. even talking about it here feels vapid compared to how it is for me. anyway nice dream thanks universe and i hope the pinkmoonworld is nice today <3

i understand u <3 it is a vary nice day in pinkmoonworld thanku for the wish~~~i know this dilemma tho sigh , my thoughts below..

i always felt like my admiration of people was extreme & consuming , i still do to a certain extent its a big part of the reason WHY i became a bit withdrawn like i struggle w how attached i get to others. i dont want to ask for anything in return but i feel shame when people find me creepy lol. And even then, that shame isnt rly the reason i've become untrusting with my heart, cold ppl r the least of my worries, i understand them.. moreso it's dangerous for me when i encounter someone who recognizes i am This Way & instead of being plainly disinterested or aloof they consciously decide to Use my affections in a sinister manner for their own advantage. that's what's mainly caused me to bcome distant even tho i want to love those ppl too.

so despite distance i still need some outlet for these loveful feelings so i guess i've spent the past 5-ish years working on ways to be overly compassionate in a safer manner.. And a big part of that is that i rly find the purest form of love to be platonic love, when theres not really any expectations or prize for being close to someone yet u still are, that kind of love speaks the deepest to me. and it's funny because really shortly after i surrendered my quest for romantic love, like completely surrendered , is when i met SLIMBO, and thru my efforts to be a really good friend to them we ended up falling sooooooo deeply sincerely in love like nothing i;ve ever known. if we had rushed into a relationship idk if it wld be the same , like having it slowly blossom over the course of a few years w no pressure, it's the foundation upon which we could be SO deeply sure we would always be together.

So the way u speak of loving ur crush, i'd say, just continue to act kindly towards him and everyone else u encounter, with no expectations of them.. people really need this like i think everyone needs to know what it feels like to experience a True Friend a selfless friend. it's rare! i rarely meet anyone who i feel doesn't want *something* from me that i cant give them. and i dont even want to hold that against them! im just saying, what U feel is rare so u should embrace it. allow yourself to exude love as much as u can and that frequency will return to u, just like how it did for me and slimbo...And other friends ive made along the way ^_^ Follow you heart.. maybe he's older but who knows what could happen. i've dated ppl 10 years older than me cus i have always acted like grandpa. sometimes ppl will just see u for ur soul.

and maybe ur dream is pointing u in a right direction, idk, i confessed my love to slimbo a few days after having a dream that we held hands. Ofc we had been friends for 2 years by this point so the time felt right, not every dreams mean u should confess, but i feel like having a sweet dream such as that can be a sort of telepathic experience sometimes.. show a connection between you and him on the astral plane. Take time to enjoy life n enjoy having a crush too cus it can be really fun to feel that crazy over someone :] thats my thoughts.....good luck with your heart, PMD9 out !

[lunar-years]

Re: teds non attendance at beard's wedding

Not for nothing but beard and Jane both strike me as the type to tell people to show up wearing nice clothes, hustle them on to the bus, and have Kenneth sneak them in to Stonehenge for an unsanctioned sunrise wedding that probably isn't even legally recognized

Though personally I am still declaring that wedding a fever dream idc what Brendan says. If you wanted me to think it was real you should have done better CGI. I'll forgive the stadium CGI because it's hard with a fast moving foreground and background but not that wedding no sir. My disbelief is a gift, Mr. Hunt, accept it

THE CGI IS SOOOOOOO BAD. Like talking about deeply unimportant shit I hated this season, that one tops the list. That scene could truly not have looked any worse if they had actively tried, lmao. Everything about it looked a high school play production.

I absolutely agree on the logistics behind the beard/jane wedding though. That was definitely a spur of the moment "yay! we're getting married!" announcement in the dressing room and one of the players was like "congrats man, when's the wedding date?" and beard was like well, kenneth will be taking us to stonehenge next wednesday morning at 5:00 am be here sharpish if you want to come" and when he tells Ted all of this over the phone Ted is like "well, you know I love you Willis, but I am absolutely not coming to that. you have fun though bestie. <3 "

(I am Beard/Jane Hater at my core, btw, and this is not me condoning that wedding, which I LOATHED to see. But since there's no stopping it I have decided that either 1] It was just an elaborate public kink thing and the marriage is neither legal nor binding. 2] they're simply deepening the train-wreck of it all and unfortunately things sometimes do get worse before they get better. Beard will be divorcing in all of my fics and escaping this abusive relationship...all in good time.)

[gilmores-glorious-blog]

catching fire liveblog no one asked for!!

- “you are a strangely dislikable person” hey did you guys know i love haymitch because i love haymitch

- fucking insane that president snow is just. in her house. like imagine you come home one day and donald trump is standing in your living room.

- anything with rue gets me choked up instantly….. that whole scene in district 11? whoof.

- the “one day i’m gonna volunteer just like you did” is rough.

- i did not remember that snow was a grandfather… who on earth did he have kids with??

- the dynamic between katniss, peeta, haymitch, and effie is soooo. rotates them in my brain.

- i know it’s the point but this quarter quell concept is so deeply fucked up

- i want an au where haymitch fights in these games instead of peeta

- haymitch reaching for effie’s hand <3

- finnick was fourteen when he won his games,,,,, that’s wild (the trauma potential for his character,,, going insane)

- finnick is so. RAGHHHHH. he’s so hot.

- johanna lesbian-coded character of all time <3 to me <33

- mags is so sweet 😭

- i forgot about the painting of rue that i’m assuming peeta did??

- katniss making the dummy of seneca is. ugh. it’s so good.

- caesar has no morals but at least he serves cunt

- the mockingjay dress is so cool

- finnick and annie are so sweet i can’t wait for them to get married and for nothing bad to happen to them ever 🙃

- johanna was so real for telling everyone to go fuck themselves

- cinna sacrificing himself to make 👏 a 👏goddamn 👏 statement 👏

- “if it weren’t for the baby” truly is peeta’s most iconic moment

- also i love haymitch’s little toast to peeta at that bit

- all the tributes holding hands 🥲

- haymitch and effie are the dysfunctional parents of all time

- the peacekeepers killing cinna in front of katniss as she watches unable to do anything is so upsetting

- starting the arena in water is an insane fucking advantage for some people (finnick) and probably a disadvantage for a lot of other people

- i know it’s a whole revolution thing but i like to think of haymitch giving finnick his bracelet like ‘protect my dumbass kids please’

- wouldn’t it be funny if peeta was dying and finnick just made out with him (like katniss thinks is happening in the books??)

- i love katniss but,, my girl stared at the fog for so goddamn long before doing anything about it !! why’d you wait to TOUCH IT AND GET POISONED to see if it was dangerous?? it’s a fucking hunger games arena of course mysterious fog is gonna be bad!

- god finnick’s reaction when mags dies,,,,

- but also damn that fog kills you QUICK… maybe it’s just because mags is old but that canon went off like,, immediately

- the female morphling sacrificing herself for peeta 🥲 i know she was probably in on the whole revolution thing but still

- that post about all the district twelve victors holding someone in their arms as they died is sooooooo. yeah.

- the whole “tick tock” scene and realizing the arena is a clock is so cool

- i love their friendship and so i have to love finnick and katniss bonding over experiencing The Psychological Horrors

- johanna just casually trauma dumping okay girlie

- finnick looks so hot in this last scene on the airship,, i know i’m predictable but GOD 😩

- i love the little reminders we get sometimes that haymitch is strong and did in fact win the hunger games against 47 other people.

- this movie is so confusing ngl,, i can never keep track of who’s good/who’s in on the rebellion, etc.

- still a great movie though <3

[dinosaurwithablog]

Do you know what I think the most dangerous thing on this planet is?.... apathy. The people who know how wrong things are, who know how wrong things have become and they just sit there making the problem worse through inaction. How do you do nothing when you see an abomination before you? How do you close your eyes and your heart and just sit there pretending it's all good? A better question is why would you do that? WTF? Who are more guilty? Those who act poorly because they are ignorant or scared or just plain stupid or those who know the depths of the wrongs being committed and just sit there allowing it to go on? I think it's the latter. People have to start making a positive impact on this world. It's easy. It's in your heart. You just have to look for it. Start off by doing something that seems simple. Feed the homeless. Buy school supplies for kids. Help build houses. Whatever. You'll find that simple acts of kindness are far from simple. They make a major difference. And they make you feel sooooooo good inside. And they help the world be a better, healthier place in which to live. Then, move on to standing up for people. For their rights. For their choices. Even if you don't agree or understand them, they deserve to be seen and heard. They deserve to be who they are meant to be. You will find that many of these people are wonderful individuals who will enrich your life. Help as many people as you can. Sometimes, something as simple as a smile can make the difference in another's life. Just to feel like someone cares and to be seen is a great gift. I could go on. I'm sure that you've noticed that I do that. I, truly, mean what I say and feel it deeply in my heart so I get carried away. There's sooooooo much that needs to be fixed. It gets to me. I have fought for everything for most of my life. Hell, I'm still fighting. Yet still, I know for a fact that it would've been easier if the people I've encountered in my life had all worked together. For me and for them. So that's what I do now. I help. Everyone that I can. As much as I can. It feels great and it makes a difference. Please join me in this endeavor. If you talk to others, you will find out what they need and most times, you can help. Sometimes, just your taking time to listen helps more than you know. As I always say... be the change you want to see in the world. I must add as long as it's positive and inclusive and it moves our species in the right direction. The love you possess in your heart is what it's gonna take to fix our broken world. It's very, very powerful and it's right there waiting to be used. Somehow, after living through hell and surviving it, I still see the beauty in people. Go for it. We're worth it. Help others and you will help yourself. Win win

[kenshivshow]

I was tagged by @noracursd and @coldbam 💜

last song: okay, right before this I was in the middle of CRJ’s newest album (haven’t listened enough to formulate opinions on individual songs yet, but I’m excited to get back to it!) but then I got emo about a scene in my own fanfiction so I had to listen to “right where you left me” as one does

currently reading: i just finished reading american mermaid which I actually really liked! there was a ton more going on than I thought when I picked it up at the library on a whim! looking for recommendations for something new if anyone has any!

oh also, I just received my copies of the season 1-3 succ scripts, so I’m excited to dive into those more deeply than the snippets posted on here and twitter....season 4 isn’t out until september, so I have that one on pre-order

currently watching: current seasons of the righteous gemstones (incredible), and just like that (you know what, it’s...fine), what we do in the shadows (loving this season), riverdale (masterpiece), nancy drew (more people need to watch this, it’s sooooooo good and has a top-tier we’re-in-love-but-can’t-be-together ship) 

I’m going to see oppenheimer!!!!!!! tomorrow and I am PUMPED!!!!!

consider yourself tagged if you see this, btw!

[ruminate88]

My type? 🥴🥴🥴 1/09/25 (destructive patterns)

Uggggh whyyyyyy ?? Every guy I chased in the past were soooo incredibly handsome to me that I wanted to cry my eyes out !!! 😭 every past guy I chased looked the same too hahaha

it wasn’t my “type” it’s a destructive pattern. Also I was labeled with a learning disability in school and made to feel stupid!!! So go figure every guy I chased was in college at the time and appeared extremely intelligent 🧐 hah

but I learned very quickly just because you’re “book smart” doesn’t mean you know how to treat people…. Or even love them correctly. Real beauty is in the heart of a person. What is on the inside matters more than the outside. If my exes were projecting their insecurities onto me then I feel bad for them but I can’t fix it ❤️‍🩹🌹

They know what words to say to drive me up a wall though. Both my exes said all the right things in sex talk to make me wanna jump out of my window. It’s death by love. It’s sooooo toxic and euphoric. Like a drug!!! I was completely sober yet I was sooooooo high when they talk dirty to me and I begged them to never stop but then suddenly they HATE YOUR GUTS and push you away.

I hated and loved them both deeply. I saw myself marrying both of them at the same time 🤣🤣 I hated how cold they are to me but loved the feels they gave me. The rush and intensity especially when they’re love bombing you omg it’s the best and most traumatic thing to ever happen to me. It’s CRAZY intense like a roller coaster but you wanna throw up same time. Your stomach is shaking cuz you know it’s wrong but yet feels amaaaaaaaazing 🤪😫 ahhhh I would do it again and again and again but yet that’s destructive, so I have to remind myself how harmful it is and stay away!!!

I STILL think my exes have the most amazing smiles I’ve ever seen but I believe underneath those smiles is sooooo much….. I believe they’ve been through so much growing up and I can’t help it or make it better for them. I have to trust that they can only abuse me and walk away but ugggh it’s SO UNFAIR. 😝❤️‍🩹 I admit when I was attracted to them that it’s VERY superficial and it’s giving emotionally unavailable and I’m not a good person with them. I don’t treat them good either. They make me a dirty and emo girl….

[kurai-hono-blog]

venting ahead

I feel so deeply unloved that i literally just want to bash my head against a wall just don't stop till my brain is mush JUST so I dont have to feel like this anymore. My parents- the people I have to live with becoz I work close to home are nothing but neglectful pieces of shits. Cannot be bothered abt my health until it gets worse enough to require hospital care and then ONLY care about the bill and my recovery UNTIL they have to pay the bill. Aftercare or preventive care can go fuck themselves. Any thing and I mean ANYTHING I ask for is asking for too much from people who are soo busy dealing with their own adult problems (they don't have that much going on, but they never solve any of their own problems just complain about it till it piles up and LOOKS like a lot of problems).

I have always been independent because I wanted to be nothing like them. But even the most independent people need loving, need someone to fight for them. I can never have that with them or anyone else in my life for that matter.

I am loosing interest in everything i loved and cant muster energy for anything new. I hate how the person I am always becomes reduced to a scared crying kid just trying to survive whenever I come back home. It's why I left for college. It's why I applied for job in a different state. Rotten luck that they had another office in my city otherwise I would have moved out already.

I crave love sooooooo badly right now- the kind that only someone living close to you can provide. I neeeed someone to take care of me when I get sick/injured no matter if I can do it on my own. I need someone to cook for/with me because they want to make me happy, not because cooking is a chore that just has to get done. I want someone to be happy for my success and cheer me on instead of casting doubt if I so much as stumble in life. I need someone to listen to my issues and actually change their behavior instead of just apologising and making the same mistake again and again.

I know life is more about just your parents and there are more good people out there. But I don't think I have much strength in me to get to them If I am walking around a hole this big where my hearth should be. And I will most likely have soooooo many behaviour issues by then that it won't even matter becoz I wont even be able to hold onto any meaningful relationships just like I couldn't in college or school before that.

I don't know when I will quit living but I think it will most likely be voluntary death and If it happens while my parents are still alive- I bet they will still grieve while not having a clue about what caused it.

I hate that I live in a culture where dating is frowned upon, so I can't even search for this love outside. Funnily enough I might not even wanna look for it even if I could. Cause the disaster that was my childhood has taught me that your partners will only ever hurt you. So I don't even feel love towards anyone until they show me love again and again. Like I am some sort of feral animal. And all the people I have met so far don't have that kind of patience, they just wanna get laid.