#it's so surreal to me it really does make me feel a little bit crazy that they act like Luna is deeply displaced and still resentful of

[sirenemale]

Sorry to retype the exact same thoughts about Luna My Little Pony for the hundreth time but I'm not normal here.

I'm finishing off the last season and seeing another episode where Celestia and Luna fight in the exact same way is making me think about it even more.

Luna associated with the moon is seen as scary because she brings night time on and is seen in nightmares, and is also so so autistic coded to me vs Celestia who is revered for raising the sun and the safer daytime. Their conflicts always boil down to Celestia trivializing Luna's emotions, hobbies or job and then Luna retaliating because both to her sister and to the public, she isn't viewed the Same. And their fights are always wrapped up with them agreeing they were both wrong but I just literally cannot buy that, Luna strikes such a specific nerve with me so I'm biased but the way the story skips over the kinda tangle of emotional pain going on with her makes me feel dizzy.

Nightmare Moon emerges as a hyper destructive version of Luna's negative emotions. One big meltdown after years of subtle mistreatment. The story frames Nightmare Moon as a malevolent corrupting force that feeds off Luna's emotions, but to me I see that as a way for Celestia to keep the image of her quiet baby sister intact. My younger sister isn't capable of these emotions, sure we had bad days, but she's nothing like this, she has no reason to be so displeased. Again feels neurodivergent feels like masking and being Well behaved vs slipping. Nightmare Moon then is an aspect of Luna that Celestia is trying to ignore, and her method for that is locking her in the moon for hundreds of years, isolated for the greater good, for the safety of everyone and lamenting the loss of her dear sweet sister who's been replaced by a Monster. One that becomes a scary forewarning for children everywhere.

Even when Luna comes back, Nightmare Moon is still used for scary stories and halloween party games. No one let's her forget this, the root of her breakdown isn't addressed and it can never be addressed because now she's forever associated with a monstrous version of her own pain forever. They're not her feelings that's been taken away from her, her emotions are defined by how detrimental they are to others and more importantly her sister. They're always waiting for the moment she turns back into her, most of her episodes are about her turning back into her. The fact Luna's duty is to stay up all night patrolling the nightmares of ponies because she's scared Nightmare Moon will take over her again if she Rests or lets herself forget that happened. This actual legitimate guilt and self harm spiral she locks herself in, the fact some of these nightmares Have to involve seeing even more distorted versions of her, the ways Other ponies see her? Thinking that even if they like her, as Luna, even if they stop seeing Nightmare Moon, Nightmare Moon is also You. How much can you compartmentalize. How can you figure out if you're Good or not when this is how you live. And everyday you wake up and you see your sister and you hold your tongue. When you fight with her over things like her thinking your hobbies are boring, that you're lucky to not have any Real work to do, No reason to be tired. All these ideas of the most surface level qualities of you that she doesn't like. And the only option is to concede?

That's crazy. That's crazy crazy crazy.

[ghostgirl-22]

Till Morning Comes

18+ !NSFW!

Day 21: Shower sex (skipping 20 for now…none of the prompts really fit for me. Might try again later.)

Pair: Artrick (post Challenger)

—————————————

It’s so surreal. The last time Patrick held him like this. It feels like yesterday and also a lifetime ago. And he’s shaking cause he doesn’t know what it means at all but his body is aware. They finish the game that way. Aware of each other in ways that are more intimate than just the standard opponents. There’s fury and passion and something else playing out on the court and when Art wins it he deserves it. It’s earned.

And Patrick is so satisfied with that, that he’s a little stunned when the press wants to interview him too. He hasn’t been media trained since he was 22 and he doesn’t really know what to say when people ask him about the time he and Art won doubles as Juniors in the US Open all those years ago.

His ears are buzzing, his skin is warm and he can still feel Art and Tashi’s presence more than anything or anyone else. He stumbles through answers and praise and the woman who was kind enough to share her sandwich with him on the first day of the tournament playfully asks if he’s glad he didn’t lose on the first day just for the prize money. To which he has to smile, the first genuine one.

They finally present Art with the prize and Tashi’s as happy as she was on the first night they met. The way Patrick knows her, her smile, her genuine excitement makes him feel like all of this time was almost fucking worth it. And then there’s pictures and finally he’s free to go clean up and the part of him that’s relieved is also filled with anxiety cause what now?

All this and what now? Does he go back to spending all his prize money in a month, then sleeping in his car, using Tinder as Airbnb? Or worse… go home.

Art makes it to the locker room before him. He’s half naked already when he spots Patrick. He smiles a little which is a relief so Patrick smiles back. “Congrats champ,” Patrick says idly as he approaches Art.

It’s been two minutes since they’d last seen each other and immediately Patrick’s filled with that same hyper aware energy again.

Art laughs a bit. “Yeah,” he says looking down at his bare feet. “You too.” He looks up at Patrick again. Patrick never stopped looking at him.

“You filled out,” Patrick tells him and he touches Art’s bare arm and there’s tension like when Patrick was holding him on the court. He doesn’t let go, instead he grips Art’s arm and pulls just to see if Art will move and he does. He steps forward. That’s all Patrick needs.

Before his brain knows what he’s doing they’re kissing. The last time they’d done this Art was smaller and his hair was longer and they’d pretended afterward that it was nothing but practice even though Patrick knew better. They both knew better.

And now he’s walking Art backwards up against the lockers, tongue jammed down his throat, needing to be closer. Needing this like oxygen. His whole body accelerates because of it. He didn’t even realize how much he’d missed this. Art’s gasping, mewling, moaning into his mouth, reminding Patrick that he was always so vocal and needy. It sends shivers all up and down his body as the memories flood back.

Patrick grips him tight, traps him against the lockers and they rattle with the force. Patrick thinks he'd crawl inside him if he could. Art’s gasping for air pushing back for a breath and Patrick finally lets him have a minute, but he doesn't step back cause he can feel Art, hard and pressed up against his thighs.

Art rests his head against the locker catching his breath, he huffs a laugh and closes his eyes and Patrick smiles watching him. He’s taking in every bit of him. The changes from when they were college students to now. He’s terrified of it all going away again.

“This is crazy,” Art whispers.

“Mmhm,” Patrick presses a kiss to his bare throat. He has such a biteable throat.

Art hums and Patrick feels the vibration on his tongue. He eases his hand down Arts pants. Art finds his lips again and Patrick licks his way into his mouth, tasting the whiny noises he makes, relishing every second. He’s so hard he almost forgets that for all the kissing and touching and heavy petting they did back in high school, they’d never actually fucked before.

His head is foggy, his body is so dizzy with need and other things…probably hunger. They’re both sweaty and messy and dirty. He wants to fuck Art but he doesn’t want to do anything to scare him away right now. Instead he just helps him get off. Right there up against the lockers he makes Art moan for his touch till he’s thrusting into his palm. Sloppy, needy, messy little thing. Come all over Patrick’s fingers. Breathing hot and heavy in his ear. Breathing in ways that make Patrick want to bend him in half against his stupid will.

Art’s such a repressed goody goody he’s probably never even had the balls to let Tashi fuck him. Much less been fucked by a man. Patrick hated him, actually hated him, for precisely 3 hours after they fought about Tashi all those years ago. And then he’d spent the next 13 years trying to get over him. Didn’t help when he’d watch Arts matches in the dark with his eyes closed and the volume up, one hand down his pants.

Patrick is suddenly spiraling because he didn’t expect the feelings that have been building all week to keep blindsiding him.

“I’m sorry,” Art says and Patrick wants to ask what for but he lets Art continue mumbling. “I shoulda…I should’ve…” he trails off.

Patrick smirks at him and because he’s a masochist and still horny he says. “You wanna shower?”

Art looks at him then down at Patrick’s erection and then back up again, tongue pressed against his cheek. He nods. “Sure.”

And that’s interesting. Maybe he’s not still as repressed as Patrick imagined.

Patrick doesn’t hide it in the shower. In fact he takes it in hand and starts to jerk himself off. Because of course he always makes sure Art comes first. He doesn’t expect it when Art, who's busy soaping up, starts grabbing him too. It’s the hottest thing.

“Art?” Patrick breathes in his ear as hot water sprays all over them.

“Huh?” Art asks.

“Has anyone ever… have you ever been fucked?”

Art slows his movement. Patrick kisses him again and he pulls back to stop him.

“What? It’s okay if you haven’t…” Patrick offers, recognizing the panic.

“I’m not…I wasn’t…” he licks the inside of his cheek again. Patrick can see his tongue because his mouth is open wide like a good little… Patrick squeezes the thought out of his head. But there’s a reason why it’s always been so difficult to get over Art Donaldson.

Art’s eyes are dilated and his skin is flushed from the heat of the water and Patrick knows him so fucking well because even though he’s changed he’s not changed in any of the ways that matter.

“Does it hurt?” Art finally asks, squinting. The way Patrick’s cock feels he wants to tell him yes. Yes, because I want to fuck for hours, till you have trouble sitting down. Till you’re moaning my name like a fucking whore.

But no this requires tact. Something he’s not a natural at but for Art…

“It does a little at first,” Patrick admits.

Arts eyes go wider.

“It feels really good after though. Sometimes I just— it feels so good I black out.”

The door to the locker room bangs open and Art jumps back quickly putting distance between them. Never mind the fact that Patrick is visibly erect. It’s just a janitor though. He apologizes saying he didn’t know people were in there and he leaves without another word.

Art sighs with relief. “Fuck Patrick.” He steps under the faucet and starts rinsing off.

Patrick takes a bit of soap from the dispenser and instead of washing his whole body he rubs his cock. Getting it slippery and soapy. It feels so fucking good to do while watching Art in the shower and having Art not so sneakily staring back at him, getting hard again.

Patrick approaches him and Art lets him kiss. “Touch me,” Patrick says against his lips.

Art doesn’t really hesitate. They jerk each other off while they make out and Patrick feels his tongue and tastes his moans and with that he’s done embarrassingly quickly.

And then the anxiety comes back. They finish up showering in mostly silence. And when they’re in towels getting dressed that’s when Patrick starts to ramble.

“What happened—“ Patrick starts. “All of it’s stupid man. Genuinely. Like I wanted to fuck her sure…but I don’t know… I mean part of me kinda wanted to fuck you too.”

Art rolls his eyes and his jaw tightens. “Yeah you fucked me, Patrick. I saw you both…in Atlanta.”

“Fuck man…I’m…” Patrick shrugs not sure what to say. Sorry isn’t the word. He wants to do it again.

“I saw you and I thought maybe we’d bury everything…and then suddenly you two were gone and I…” Art laughs but it’s mostly just to show his teeth. “Fuck you, actually.”

“Yeah,” Patrick says and he swallows. “I guess.”

“The really fucked up part…all I could think after was I hope she doesn’t fucking leave me for him.”

Patrick fidgets , picking up his phone for distraction. “I just…I mean I fucking…I wanted to. I wanted to bury everything. I still wanna bury it. I mean it’s making me crazy. I’m not allowed in your world. I’m… she… she only takes me when she needs me. You’re so cold now when we were so…so close before.”

“Yeah so close we’re together for five minutes after more than a decade and I was almost ready to let you…never mind…” Art mumbles.

Patrick perks up at that. He’s never heard Art talk like that. Like any of it was ever real or on purpose or even desired.

Art pulls a clean t-shirt over his head.

“I don’t get you,” Patrick says. “How could you—how can you close it all off like— like you never even fucking liked me?”

“It’s not that Patrick,” Art says, clipped, careful.

“Then what is it? Like I said before… it’s not fucking Tashi. Don’t pretend that it’s just that. You won…you’re playing house with her and you’re this tennis star and so what if I fucked her…you still won. But you’re so fucking miserable. Up all night miserable—“

“Patrick—“

“What? Come on. We owe each other this much. You say you’re happy and grown up and I know you’re full of shit. That’s why you can’t stand to be around me.”

Art looks up at the ceiling, eyes shiny. “It’s because you never shut the fuck up.”

Patrick shrugs. He’s silent for a moment before he mumbles. “Well you’ve beaten me now. Fair and fucking square.”

Art swallows and then takes a deep breath. “Do you want to come over?”

“Yes,” Patrick nods.

“Fine, get dressed.”

[jangofettjamz]

The Birthday Boy

Jenna Ortega x Autistic!Male!Reader

Summary: You finally get to celebrate your birthday for the first time, and with the one you love.

Words: 1552

Y/N POV

Today is my birthday. I've never really celebrated it; family never really bothered. Now that I'm older it just seemed more insignificant. No one to celebrate it with, and let's be honest and no one wants to celebrate it on their own.

Jenna was out working, I never told her when my birthday was because I didn't want to interrupt her filming schedule, she's already got enough on her plate she doesn't need to worry about getting me gifts for my birthday she has a career to grow.

I've turned 20 today; Jenna turning 21soon. 20 years feel a bit surreal not gonna lie, crazy to think it's been that long since I was born. I try not dwell on that to much, it'll just send me spiralling.

I do wish I had a good birthday though, the feeling of being celebrating. I know this may sound narcissistic, but I always wanted to be celebrated, have a day just about me. I wanted to feel like everyone could come together and show support for me even if it was just for one day, I never had that kind of love growing up so I'd like to know what that's like, though I doubt it'll happen.

My father never paid any attention to me growing up, saying I was too much of a hassle to put up with. You know you have a bad parent when they have to "put up" with you  instead of loving you unconditionally, but hey beggars can't be choosers, right?

Me thinking about how life could've been was making me depressed so I decided to go out for breakfast, I got dressed and got the keys to my car and went out get food.

On the way there I get an incoming call from Jenna, thought she would've been busy this morning so this was a pleasant surprise. I answered but kept my eyes on the road.

"Hello darling, how'd you sleep" she asked, she knows I don't sleep well when she's gone.

"Um... I slept okay, probably could've got more sleep though. I'm just going to that Italian place we went to a month ago for some breakfast. How's shooting going" I asked, she's currently filming for her new movie 'death of a unincorn' with Paul Rudd.

"Filming's going great, Paul's really cool and I can't wait for you to meet him, he's knows you're a marvel fan too." She giggles mischievously, that little minx.

"Jenna why'd you say that." I whine feeling embarrassed.

"Aw babe, don't be shy he thinks you're really cool." She says reassuringly.

"Yeah sure he does" I say sarcastically, making her laugh. "Do you know when you'll be home?" I miss her dearly, I need to see her soon.

She let's out a sigh, I brace myself for bad news. "Sorry, sweet boy. I won't be back for another week." I let out sad sigh and a whine, I missed her alot.

"Hey, hey, don't be upset baby boy, I'll be home before you know it and we'll have so much fun together. The week will go by quick I promise." She cooed, she always knew what to say to put me at ease.

"Alright sweetie I have to go, drive safe for me and I'll see you very soon." She blew a kiss through the phone "I love you, sweetheart"

"I love you too, Jenna." We end the call and I continue my journey.

I arrive at the restaurant, this is gonna drain my social battery for today so I hope I don't have to to anyone that much, I just wanna get my food, eat then leave.

I ate my food peacefully, the staff were wonderful, definitely going there again for breakfast. I leave the restaurant and do some birthday shopping for myself, figured I may aswell treat myself to something nice for my "big day"; I sound miserable.

I'm pulled out of my thoughts when I feel my phone vibrate, a few text messages from some of my friends and cast mates from scream 5 and 6. I read them and I was shocked, how did they know...

Jasmin

Hey Y/N/N, hope you're having a lovely birthday. Can't wait you see you soon.

Devyn

Howdy stranger, happy birthday my love, you're 20! Hope you're doing well and I'll see you soon... very soon. 😈

Mikey

Looks like someone has a birthday today... AND YOU DIDNT TELL ME! HOW DARE YOU! Besides that betrayal I miss you so much Y/N, happy birthday my sweet.

Mason

Hey man, looks who's 20 years old! Happy birthday bud, hope you have a good one.👍

Melissa

Hey hey, it's the birthday boy! Happy birthday honey, you deserve the best birthday in the world. All the best from me and my husband.

Jack Quaid

Hey buddy, happy 20th birthday! I miss you alot pal, Karl and Antony send their birthday wishes too. Hope to see you soon, buddy.

I was shocked; flabbergasted even. How did they know, they couldn't have possibly...unless. I looked the last message, it was from Jenna, the mastermind behind this.

❤️Jenna❤

Hi baby boy, guess who found out when your birthday is! You never told me when it was but I asked around and viola! Happy birthday sweet boy, I promise we'll see each other very very soon. I love you so much, sweetheart.❤

That little minx... this is why I love her so much, I can't begin to express how much I love her and this just solidifies that. I sent her a message back saying I love her and continue to the mall.

But as I walk to the shopping mall I see three woman who look very familiar, they're wearing party hats too. No... no way... it can't be...

Jenna POV

The look on Y/N's face is priceless, he looked shocked, excited, and emotional at the same time. I think me, Jasmin and Devyn did good on surprising him.

"JENNA?!" He says with glassy eyes.

"C'mere sweetheart" I say and open my arms, he runs towards me and I wrap him in a tight hug.

"I missed you so much" he said while crying, he's such a cutie oh my god.

"Aww sweetie, I missed you too, so much honey. I've been tracking you on Life360 and we intercepted you here. Happy birthday my love, I know you don't like big crowds so I brought Devyn and Jasmin with me" they spoke up.

"Happy birthday, Y/N/N. It's so good to see you, I've missed you alot." Devyn says making him smile widely.

"It's been too long since we've seen you Y/N, how have you been?" Jasmin asks. He lifts his head from my neck and speaks.

"Better now that you guys are here, I haven't really been feeling the best since I've been on my own, I'm so glad you're here Jenna." I hold him and rub his back in comfort.

I want him to really enjoy his birthday today, I already have stuff waiting for him at home. I think he's gonna love it. "Let's go do some shopping and then we'll go home, I have a surprise for you." His eyes lit up and I kiss his cheeks.

- 2 hours later

Y/N drove behind me as we made our way back home. Jasmin and Devyn went home soon after we shopping. We park up to the driveway and he joins me at the front door.

"Close your eyes, birthday boy" I ask and he looks at me with caution.

"What are you planning now, Ortega?" He asks me; suspicion in his voice.

"Just close them silly" he obliged and I take his hand to guide him to his surprise. We reach the living room. "Okay, open your eyes sweetheart."

He opened them and is met with countless presents ranging from: action figures and Lego sets from their favourite franchise, new clothes, PC parts and much much more. I wanted to spoil him and make up for the 20 years of birthdays he missed out on. He looked like he was on the verge of tears.

"Jenna... is this all mine?" He asked, still not believing that he finally had a proper birthday.

"All yours, sweetness" I hug him as tight as I can, he cries into my shoulder out of, what I can only assume, happiness. "Don't cry honey, it's okay. That's all for you because I love you so so much, you deserve this my love, you deserve the world." I cooed softly.

"Thank you so much" he said through his cries.

"You're so welcome, my beautiful birthday boy." I say then kiss his forehead, cheeks and lips.

"Wait here, baby boy" I head into the kitchen and grab his cake. I light the candles and head back into the living room.

"Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear Y/N, happy birthday to you." I sing and he blows out his candles.

I cheer and set the cake on the table. He smiled so brightly, he finally got to have a real birthday to celebrate.

Happy birthday Y/N.

A/N

Not my birthday, but I thought it'd make a good story. I hope you enjoyed.

[rottenimagines]

Midnight Stalker

Summary: a sad Villanelle sneaks into your bed in the middle of the night.

(Little disclaimer: English is not my native language, but I try my best, I promise x.)  

.

.

On any given night, while you are sleeping peacefully in your bed, a strange noise wakes you up. At first, you think it was just your imagination and close your eyes again, until, all of sudden, a hot breath hits the back of your neck and someone wraps their arms around your waist...

.

.

You sit up immediately and turn on the nightstand light.

Next, a cry of surprise escapes your lips.

‘‘What are you doing here?!’’

Villanelle is there, lying next to you; looking directly into your eyes with a scowl on her face; as if you were the one bothering her!

‘‘Why are you being so dramatic? You should be glad to see me,’’ she rolls her eyes and sighs. ‘‘I didn't come to kill you, Y/n. At least, not yet.’’ 

You look her up and down: she's wearing a dark gray two-piece suit. Although it does not seem that she hides any weapons under it, you can never tell with that woman.

‘‘I'll ask again. What. Are. You. Doing. Here?’’

Villanelle rolls her eyes again as she sits up right in front of you. Her face dangerously close to yours. Actually, she seems very tired, almost like she's...sad?

‘‘What? Can't a girl spend a night with her best friend?’’

You sigh and rub your sleepy eyes. Next, you speak in the most assertive way you can manage at this point, trying to keep your composure so as not to make her angry.

‘‘Villanelle, I've told you a million times. We are not friends. We are... nothing. And you can't break into my home in the middle of the night just like that!’’

She looks around the bedroom, as if your little scolding was boring her to death. 

Her voice is slightly drier as she speaks again.

‘‘Oh please, Y/n. Don't be such a killjoy. I could have come to kill you instead, wouldn't that be worse?’’

Before she gets you a chance to response, she is already wrapping her arms around your shoulders and makes you lie down again. She snuggles with you, like a baby. You have her blonde hair in your face now. All of this is too surreal to be true.

...

‘‘Villanelle... what are you doing?’’

‘‘I know, so cute, isn't it? This is called cuddling. People do it when they're in love, or at least, when they're close. You know, for besties like us.’’ She teases with a hint of playfulness in her voice.

You spend the next few minutes very still, staring at the ceiling, with her body against yours.

...

‘‘...Villanelle?’’

‘‘Hmm?’’

‘‘You... okay? I mean, you look...’’ you clear your throat, ‘‘well... you look a bit tired.’’

There is an awkward silence. 

Villanelle takes a deep breath before speaking again.

‘‘I'm all but fine, actually. Tired, confused, frustrated...’’ She raises her head off your chest to stare at you. Hers gaze remains as dead and distant as always.

 ‘‘And... I have a really strong urge to kiss you, right now.’’

There it is: Villanelle and her ability to leave people speechless with her ‘out of place’ comments.

You look down at her face as if to say ‘are you serious?’, to which she responds by nodding very slowly with a mocking pity face.

‘‘Oh, I see. And... you see yourself able to control it?’’ This time it is you who teases her.

‘‘Nop. I don’t think so.’’

And, in a flash, you have her on you, kissing you. At first, it is gently but, feeling not resistance from you, she increases the intensity. She holds your head strongly as she pulls you even closer to her.

 The feeling of her tongue in your mouth is more than enough to snap you out of your trance; so after a few seconds, you push her away abruptly.

A little flash of annoyance creeps over her face.

‘‘Come on, Y/n, you obviously like it! You must have felt something. Don't lie to yourself. Just admit you want more.’’ She whispers in a seductive tone of voice, bringing her mouth closer to yours.

‘‘Villanelle, no offense, but right now you're just the crazy stalker who just broke into my home in the middle of the night... You understand how weird this all is?’’

She rolls her eyes and pulls back. She definitely is thinking you're being a pain in the ass right now. 

‘‘And you’re the boring one who didn't call the police or shoot me, or anything. You just stayed in your bed, shaking in fear and letting me do whatever I want with you.’’

She enjoys watching your startled face at her words, because, worst of all is that she's right... 

What the hell were you thinking?

You jump out of your bed instantly and gesture for her to leave.

‘‘Get out of my home. Now’’ You try to speak with confidence, but everything is so ridiculous that you barely sound convincing to yourself.

The smirk on her face goes wider.

‘‘What, so suddenly you find your voice?’’ She mocks.

‘‘I’m serious, Villanelle. You have 10 seconds to get your ass out of my bed or I’ll call the police.’’

Although you start counting out loud, she stays right where she was, looking straight into your eyes with her annoying smug smirk.

‘‘Go ahead, I'm waiting...’’

You glare at her, skeptical. What the hell is she up to now? 

‘‘I just want to know if you'll actually do it or not. So...’’ She encourages you with a wave of her hand.

Her eyes gleam with excitement when she sees how you don't move a muscle.

‘‘And I thought I was the weirdo here...’’ She keeps trying to provoke you.

At last, you step up towards the phone, waiting for her to do something to stop you; but she doesn't.

 You grab it and start dialing the number, but not before giving Villanelle a last warning look. 

She keeps watching you from your bed, impassive. She is trying to see if you actually have the guts to go through with it.

'Your last chance', you whisper to her with the phone already in your ear. But she doesn't move, she doesn't speak. Her eyes tell you all that there is to say: 'go ahead'.

.

.

.

Finally, you end up hanging up the phone with a frustrated grunt. She gets away with it, as usual. 

Villanelle's face lights up with wicked excitement as you put the phone back where it was.

‘‘Ha! I knew it! I knew you like me so much!’’

You roll your eyes at her. 

‘‘Look, you want to stay? Fine; stay. But you have to promise me that you'll be good.’’

She raises an eyebrow. ‘‘Define ‘good’ ’’

 ‘‘Don’t kill me in my sleep.’’

Villanelle nods, as if she was really considering all this as something serious.

‘‘I can promise no killing... for now. Deal?’’ She smiles like a happy little girl.

You look her up and down once more.

‘‘First, show me that you don't have any hidden weapons.’’

She gives you a mock offended face as, reluctantly, gets out of your bed and opens her jacket for you; showing no hidden weapons under it.

‘‘... Happy?’’

You ignore her and start frisking her from head to toe, to which she responds with a snort.

‘‘Do I have to ... you know, remove my clothes too?’’ She scoffs, but her mischievous mood quickly fades when sees how you keep frisking her in silent.

‘‘Y/n, believe me; if I wanted you dead, you'd be already dead.’’

You keep ignoring her.

Once you’ve made sure she doesn't have any hidden weapons, you go back to your bed, quietly.

Villanelle stands there for a second, then she takes off her jacket and lays down next to you, just like before, with a small, playful smirk on her face.

‘‘I won't kill you, I swear.’’ She whispers in your ear as wraps your waist, holding you close.

She waits for a moment to see if you’ll continue speaking, then speaks up herself again. 

‘‘Isn't this nice? No killing, no guns, no knives... nothing dirty at all. Just us, the bed and nothing else.’’

‘‘Oh yes, quite a fairy tale... Now, sleep!’’ 

‘‘I’m trying...’’ she rests her head on your chest and closes her eyes. ‘‘Your heartbeat is ... loud.’’

 At last, it seems like she starts to nod off. 

‘‘It's like a drum...’’

 Her voice is soft and sleepy, barely above a whisper now. You're not sure if she's even talking to you specifically anymore.

‘‘...Can you feel my heartbeat too? Hmmm... 

My heart's beating just for you...’’

[ducktracy]

Does it ever feel pressuring (no pun intended) to work on a show with such a legacy and history as SpongeBob?

VERY much so, but in a good way, if such a thing exists! one of our mantras on our little storyboard plussing team is “pressure makes diamonds” and it is a very applicable saying

when i first started, i was TEEEEERRRIFIED! i really felt like i had no idea what i was doing, and there have been so many times where i’ve turned in a section and genuinely thought “oh my god they’re gonna fire me for this it’s so bad.” working in animation is frazzling enough! but not only are we working on a cultural mecca, with not only the kids of today to entertain, impress and inspire, but to maintain the integrity of the series and entertain/impress/inspire the kids like us who grew up with the show, we are also working with literal animation legends and animation veterans!! it’s pretty surreal to be working on the same show as someone like Bob Camp, who’s been in the industry for 40+ years… and even more surreal when he says he’s a big fan of your work 😵‍💫‼️‼️‼️‼️

THANKFULLY, i’ve made a lot of strides in curbing some of my storyboarding stage fright. it used to be really bad when i started, like genuinely panic attack inducing! the constant patience and guidance and encouragement of my peers and consistent practice from these past three years have really allowed me to grow and blossom. now, when i feel a bit claustrophobic in remembering the pure scale of what we’re doing, i weaponize it for good!!

i think of how inspired and amazed and obsessed with SpongeBob i was as a kid. how it inspired me to draw, how i remember drawing along to episodes and commercial breaks. my brother and his wife are both elementary school teachers and routinely update me about how their kids are still crazy for SB (and they both brag about me to their kids heheh). i think of all the kids watching, all the kids realizing that getting to draw these characters and interact with them and live in their world is something you indeed can do, all the kids who religiously catch each new episode like i once did… it just fills me with so much confidence and hope and love, and that motivates me to deliver and do my best and try to do what i can to help make each episode be better and more fun than the last

SpongeBob is for everyone, obviously! that’s one of the great things i love about working on it: i get just as much enjoyment watching our finished episodes as our target audience. but i do bring up the kids particularly often because, at the end of the day, that is who we are doing it for and i also just can’t help but think back to how my SpongeBob obsessed self as a kid would have had her world rocked to know i’m doing what i’m doing. i want to give those kids, who i used to be and still essentially am, the same joy and spark and all consuming inspiration i felt and still do

there are definitely some days where the gravity of what we’re doing hits harder than others! some days are a lot more difficult than others. this is an absolute dream job, i’m not just saying that, i always fantasized about maybe one day being able to work my way up to working on SpongeBob and now it’s my first animation job—but it is very easy to get overwhelmed by just how big of a legacy we’re carrying on our shoulders! how many other mega talented people work on this show! there’s a lot to juggle. but we juggle it well. there is so much love and heart and care poured into this show. we do everything we can to maintain the integrity of the characters and the show’s core, and it just makes me love what i do all the more and makes me more determined to do it

TLDR: YES! but i’m much better off for it, because it reminds me of why we’re working so hard to begin with. we all want this show to be the best it can—to maintain its core 25 years later, but still have fun doing it. i mentioned this on Twitter, but when i met Bill Fagerbakke last month he was saying how cool it is that fans who grew up with the show are now able to work on it and i couldn’t agree more. it’s the greatest honor imaginable being able to carry such a monumental torch, and i hope i’m able to keep at it for a long, long time.

[cluelessbees]

@messrsbyler THIS IS FOR YOU

(Based on their ask

"dare you to write will finding out stonathan are a thing 🤲🏻"

I fINALLY HAD TIME AND I DID IT)

I hope you like it ;--; (also established byler because I can)

Jonathan has been acting…strange recently.

Or, maybe strange wasn’t the best word to describe it. He wasn’t being weird just– different. Different might be a better description. There was something off– something new that was happening and Will couldn’t fully grasp what it was. He couldn’t figure out what it was. It wasn’t even anything you could realistically point to. It was more just a general..feeling. A feeling that is starting to get on Will’s nerves. Because he doesn’t get it. He doesn’t know what that feeling was. He has no idea what the fuck was happening.

But he knows for sure Steve Harrington has something to do with it.

It started a month ago when Steve began to offer to drive both Will and Jonathan to highschool. Which is weird. He doesn’t typically do that. In fact– he never did that before. This was new territory. Nothing would’ve prepared Will for hearing Steve willingly volunteer his free time to drive them. He knew Steve had a soft side, sure. But this wasn’t really part of the package. Heck-- even Jonathan looked a little shocked by the offer. He tried to refuse it, but Steve insisted. He insisted. Steve. Steve Harrington. Insisting on driving them to school. 

Will didn’t get it. 

And it wasn’t just that either. It wasn’t just that Steve began to drive them to school but he would also play a mixtape filled with Jonathan’s favourite band. He wasn’t just driving them to school but he was now offering to drive them back. He was staying for dinner. He was setting the table. He was conversing with Will's mom. He was engaging in Will’s stories about DnD campaigns. He was offering to help clean up. He was helping Jonathan with his photography. He was carrying extra rolls of film in case Jonathan needed more. He was helping Jonathan find a job. 

He was so…active in their lives now. And this new presence was accompanied by Jonathan’s mysterious change in behaviour too.

“Something’s going on,” Will stated, playing with a strand of Mike’s hair. 

“I mean…it’s not that weird is it?” Mike hums back, his head still laying on Will’s lap, as he looks up at his boyfriend. 

“It is for them. This wasn’t a thing until a month ago.”

“Maybe they’re just becoming really good friends.”

“But why now? And why so quickly? Isn’t that a bit strange to you?” Mike simply responds with a shrug as Will exhales, slowly reaching for Mike’s fingers to fiddle with. They sit there quietly for a bit before Will raises another point.

“It’s also a pretty intense friendship given everything.”

“Intense how?”

“They’re together all the time.”

“That’s a friend thing to do. Our party does that too.” Mike commented.

“Yeah but just them.”

“We were the same.” Will laughs at Mike's comment. Were. They’re no longer just friends. That’s still crazy to him. He paused, looking down at Mike to smile – he couldn’t help it. It’s Mike after all. He watched as Mike tilted his head, almost asking why he was smiling, but Willjust shrugged as he continued his rant. 

“It’s not just that though.”

“What else?” Mike responded attentively.

“Steve is so interested in everything Jonathan does---”

“He’s just being nice.”

“--He even has one of Jonathan’s photographs folded up in his wallet.”

“Well I did the same with all your drawings.”

“Yeah but you told me you did that because you were in love with…me.” Will paused. Mike sat up straight.

Oh.

They stared at each other.

“No way–”

“Jonathan and Steve?!”

“No way.”

“For how long??”

“No fucking way.” Will exhaled as they continued to just stare at one another, their mouths agape. Well, that wasn’t the conclusion Will expected to be making. But, it did make the most sense out of all his previous theories. Which – made it all the more surreal because in what world is Steve ��the Hair” Harrington dating Will’s brother?? 

“Holy shit. You have to ask Jonathan.”

“What? Now??” Will widened his eyes and raised his eyebrows. He can’t be serious. 

Mike nodded. 

“What am I supposed to say? Hey Jonathan. What’s up? How’s everything? Are you and Steve dating?”

“I wouldn’t phrase it like that but that’s sort of the gist of it--”

“Mike.”

“You have to ask. Otherwise you won’t know, right?” 

Will crossed his arms as he thought about it, chewing the inside of his cheek. He had to admit, Mike was making a good point. There was only one way he would know for sure. And plus, he had been meaning to tell Jonathan about him and Mike for a while now. They’ve been talking about it for weeks. Will’s pretty sure he knows, but he wanted to officially tell him. It would be a step forward. A way of being more open. More themselves to the people around them. It might be a good opportunity to slip it in after coming out himself. 

“Okay…later tonight.”Mike knitted his brows together and squinted. He was clearly annoyed he had to wait. 

“Fine.” He finally said, exasperatedly. “But you better radio me right after.”

“Deal.” Will smiled, cupping Mike’s face before kissing him, which seemed to make him feel better. (Mike was easy to please).

***

It was a quarter past eight when Mike had to bike home for the night. Normally, they would make up an excuse for him to sleep over – a school project was usually their go to. But sadly, Karen Wheeler had already told Mike he had to watch Holly for the night and help her complete her schoolwork. Will’s mom had headed out to her late shift. Jonathan was in his room. And Will was right outside his room ready to knock on the door.

Here goes nothing.

His hand hovered over the door before he noticed a light whisper sound. Huh, weird. He knocked a total of three times before hearing shuffling. Weirder.

“Jonathan?” He calls out, hearing even more shuffling and a whispered yet very clear “shit” coming from the other side of the door.

“Yeah?” He heard Jonathan yell hastily.

“I was wondering if we could talk about--” Will was cut off by a loud Thud! followed by someone wincing in pain. 

Instinctually, he rushes into the room only to find a bruised Steve Harrington midway through the window with Jonathan by his side, helping him up. Their heads slowly turn to Will. 

“Hey…Byers. I was just in the neighbourhood and thought I’d stop by– through the window.”

Will, trying his best not to burst out laughing, just smiles and nods before turning towards his room. Well…at least he doesn’t have to ask Jonathan anymore. 

Bonus

“I thought you said you were like a ninja.”

“YOUR WINDOW WAS SLIPPERY IT'S NOT MY FAULT.”

---

I'm only semi-happy with it I lowkey wanna rewrite it into a long fanfic also I kinda got tired by the end bUT I HAD TO FINISH

Hope you enjoy ;---; im sorry if it sucked---

[pucksandpower]

hi natalia! i hope life has been treating you well and that you're doing amazing. i wanted to say, i love your account so very much! everytime i go through the f1 tags on here i'm alway searching for your username among the fics and safe to say is you have never ever disappointed me. when i first got into the fandom you were definitely one of the blogs that really hooked me in. oh girl you don't know how ecstatic i was going through your masterlist, i literally felt like i was camping in that one post going through everything in one night. still, even now i love going back and reading it again because that little spark of joy i feel clicking the links to every au is the reason i love to be on tumblr!

you never fail to deliver an insanely good level of world building like this is kind of surreal to me, because you give us such a fresh and wonderfully blissful take on social media au's. it's super cool to see you explore all types of medias like articles, blogs, twitter, instagram, youtube videos—i feel like you've used EVERYTHING girl. all your posts are sooo long and idt people realize how much work you have to put in to make a cohesive story like that?? + using all sorts of outlets ur an actual beast at this wow. and it's not just the way you deliver it, it's also all the ideas that you have. i'm a huge sucker for the deep lore ones that are like the ones involving racing teams and stuff. it's so great to see your takes on real time events and how it could've been if this or that happens. the readers are also of so much variety, i hope you keep doing that bc it adds a lot of potential and spice into the story. royal au is also sooo good! your account to me is basically girlhood personified. i'm always so immersed in it that i forget i'm reading an au... that really shows your effort in the work you put out. i can tell the time you spent crafting these pieces i mean WHO goes this far and wide if not pucksandpower?? ur the backbone of my mental health i would've gone in the trenches if it weren't for you... that's my mother ya'll. there is not one fic of yours that does not have me at the toes of my feet, all giddy to click the "keep reading" button. i wish for you to know that i, and i'm sure many others who follow you, really appreciate all the work you put in! i'm lowkey like suspicious with how real and professional some of the articles you make are bc how is that not something that would come out of an actual blog? 😭

AND OHHHMYGOOOD you are doing god's work for feeding my delusions on giving charles leclerc the team that he deserves. seeing the newey reader fic, that was when i knew you were ON to something like this girl is special she's doing all the research.. babe you could be the new damn chief tech officer if you wanted to i mean. you are operating in levels that we can't even comprehend?? one step ahead in everything. when i read your cl stuff in my heart i'm rooting for this man so bad and like if this isn't happening irl at least pucksandpower got my back like... you know what they say about delusions=manifestations so if we keep this up yall i believe it can be real trust me i've seen it in my head....

i'm sure there's a lot more that i want to say but anyways, i'm really glad that i ever found your blog and i look forward to future works you're gonna put out! cheering for you always and please take care of yourself, xx ❤️

Hi, my love! Thank you so much. I totally teared up reading this and I am not the slightest bit ashamed to admit it. Every single thing I post is crafted with love — I do it because I love working on them and because I love being able to make my fellow fans happy through my work. There truly is no more rewarding feeling. I have posted a whopping 119 fics/imagines/AUs on here and typing that number out really made me realize how crazy that is and how far I have come since I started this blog back in November

I can’t lie, sometimes the research and time I put into each of my works can feel overwhelming at first but I am always proud of the end product and especially happy to share it with you all. Some are lighthearted fun and I can have them completed in a few hours while others run deeper and can take me days upon days to finish. I truly want to build a mini immersive world through each of my AUs and I am so happy that you have been able to get that experience through them

Also I like to say that delusions make the world go round (and help keep us sports fans semi-sane) so I am more than happy to contribute on that end

Thank you again because your words mean so much to me! I can’t wait to share more work with you. Have an amazing day 🫶

[withleeknow]

thank you for translating your emo hours into 💌 I'll meet you halfway if you let me GOD I FELT THAT IN THE PIT OF MY STOMACH & q. for the author: which member/idol did you have in mind/gravitate towards as you were writing this?:)

omg you're gonna have the best time, the fact you'll be able to see one another in person is so heart-warming 🥹🥹 note to future 🍙: I'll be here to welcome you with open arms and physical onigiris in ldn <3

ok but the stars aligned awfully in the past 24hrs bc seeing this after our hybe rant - our 🌰 on his way to japan in freakin' crutches - I can't do this anymore tinyurl.com/3nux77mf I want to protect him at all costs 😭

ohhh my heart, the husband really is husbanding:')) as an acts-of-service girlie myself, this has ignited all the butterflies in my stomach <3 🥺🥺 in exchange I have the prettiest of crumbs: https://vm.tiktok.com/ZGesuXDQ3/ - this along with the new skz concept photos that dropped yesterday LORD- I NEED A NEW MICROWAVE

final crumb: have you seen the news abt jin being a torchbearer for the olympics???! mr WWH in PARIS????

eeeek i'm so glad you liked reading it 🥹 i've never posted anything in first person pov before so you could say that was my little journal entry that i had nowhere to put lol. i actually wrote it bc i was feeling super emo about new york (it's hard to describe my relationship with new york lol) and i had to channel it somewhere. wrote it mostly bc i wanted to get the first paragraph out! but for the rest of it i thought a little bit about mimo and a little bit about jungkook (my main muse until not too long ago yk) 😂

i know oh my god i'm so excited about new york!! it's the only thing i'll be thinking about for the next 10 weeks. it still feels so surreal :((( next year i definitely have to hit up london, just mark my words!! it would actually be so crazy if jen x onigiri happens as well omg lol

jesus i saw that yesterday! i was like - he is in literally crutches and a brace, where on earth are you making him go. my son i hope he gets better soon 😭 he really does need to be wrapped up like a burrito and shielded from bighit bc they've overworked his ass to hell and back

he !!!!!!! how is he so handsome :((( if i saw him walking down the street i think i would actually pass out. i say this even though i had a dream about heeseung the other day lmao.

I HAVEEE SEEN JIN'S NEWS! he's been back for 2 weeks and he's already taking over the world. imagine his cute choppy bangs at the olympics omg 😭 it's been so long that i forgot how big my tannies are. it's times like these that i'm very glad i don't live in paris/london/milan/etc bc my kpoppies are there practically every other week for all sorts of events and i just wouldn't fare well at all the entire time they're there lol

[lucygraysboy]

“i can’t believe we’re meeting again, and in nashville, too. out of all the places in the world. i mean, i wouldn’t be half as surprised if we bumped into each other in new york city or back at our hometown, but nashville?” he trails off and shakes his head in sheer disbelief. the unusual location of their unexpected reunion only adds on to the surreal feeling of the moment, making him wonder if fate really does exist as nothing about this seems coincidental. “it’s good to see you, lucy gray.” he means every word that leaves his mouth. it might be difficult on his heart, their paths crossing every now and then, but there’s a part of him that’s missed her tremendously. it’s good to know that she’s doing okay. she seems happier now, without him in the picture. more radiant. it both crushes his heart and makes it swell. “my hair? oh, right… finally grew back. i stopped shavin’ it. my stylists like this more natural, boyish kind of look, too.” his smile continues to grow, the feeling of her fingers in his mane so familiar that it nearly has him questioning what year they’re living in. did he go back in time? are they still in high school? “speakin’ of hair, look at you. i love the feathers. how’d you even put them in your curls? do you glue ‘em?” he wonders aloud, twirling a dark ringlet around his fingertip with sheer fascination. 

“thank you. it means a lot to me. i hope you know i wouldn’t be here if it weren’t for you.” after all, he’d only taken interest in theater because it was something that she was very passionate about. he just wanted to impress her. “i’ll be on TV this sunday, can you believe this? it sounds crazy when i say it.” he wonders if she intends to watch it, and if she does, what her boyfriend will think of that. right. her boyfriend. “i saw your comment on instagram, made me smile.” but he never responded to it, only hearted it, and now can’t help but feel silly. “oh, you create magic on stage. how do you do this? you open your mouth and people listen, hypnotized, unable to take their eyes off of you. i don’t know if you saw it, but you pointed a finger at that one poor kid and he nearly fainted on the spot.” it doesn’t surprise him one bit, though. she’s always been so crazily talented and could bewitch everyone in the room. smiling as he listens to her talk about their road to nashville, he can’t keep the look of pride off his face. “i’m so proud of you, too. look at you. a star in the making. are you planning on staying here a little longer? playin’ a few more shows?” he’d love to come to one more show before he leaves, would love to see her again. perform. he’d love to see her perform again. “mm, what’s that thing you’re drinkin’?” he asks, claiming the stool beside her and politely asking the bartender to give them two such baskets and double fries, insisting on paying for their whole order and tipping generously. “since when new you into… what’s that? vodka?” there’s no judgement in his voice, just genuinely surprise.

“billy!?” the brunette exclaims, still wildly doe eyed and in DISBELIEF that’s really, truly him. it’s so odd seeing him in real life, instead of just in pictures she’d see time to time on his social media. odd he’s at this same location as her. her body pulled into his arms from where she sits an even more surreal experience, nose diving into his neck and that homey scent that sticks to him engulfing her senses, the neck of her guitar strapped to her back hitting him in the cheek while her palms clutch his shirt. “so hard to believe it’s you. and your hair.” a hand has to reach up, touching the back of his head, fingers feeling dark curls— unable to stop the involuntary smile that spills over her olive features when it reminds her of the person she once knew. “your show.” that is right… she did see that on instagram and remembers leaving a small ‘congrats🤍’ on the post. even though she wanted to write more, ‘congrats cowboy. you were always meant to be one🤍’. but it wasn’t her place and it didn’t feel right so she left it simple. because despite how much he’s hurt her, she’d never snub him accomplishing something so huge. even if she felt he was letting it give him the big head, too. “i saw that. i’m so proud of you. how crazy to wind up here with me.” she spoke again in disbelief. “and thank you, that means a lot to me you’d say that.” that she hasn’t changed and that her song was good. “well, we’ve been playin’ in small places for awhile and made it on up here to the city,” she explains, turning in her seat once the moonshine is slid to her. thanking the bartender before taking a big sip, features twisting and turning at the flavor but she’s eager to chase after the buzz. “oh, yeah! can i get a basket of the grilled tenders?! nashville hot sauce on the side an’ the sweet potato fries, please.” lucy gray calls him back over before he can leave, remembering how vital it is she gets some food. “sure thing,” she hears him confirm over the music before he goes off to get that order in.

[tyonfs]

monthly(ish) 🎀 update!

heyyy! it’s me. i haven’t done one of these in sooo long 😭 i figure i should start with what everyone is waiting on, arsal. truth be told i did not listen to anyone’s advice and im still hopelessly in love with him and it doesn’t help much that we’re both playing this back and forth hard to get game. truly it’s so like. draining to have him constantly on my mind. i think the problem is because when we were kids i liked him a little bit and now that all this dawned down on me it just became even worse because he truly is one of the first guys i’ve really really liked.

i’ve always had a bad track record with situationships and hookups and i never really really liked any guy i’ve ever talked to or been with but with arsal it’s so different. like even when i don’t talk to him something about him just makes me gravitate towards him. sigh it’s so hard being a girl 💔

speaking of guys randomly cameron called me one night after like 3 months of no contact and said he wanted me again and i told him i didn’t miss him and he called me a slut and said that’s why im incapable of love which is crazy because he is the first guy i admitted that fear to so good to know! he was drunk but it still made me feel a certain way.

back to less important things, currently im laying in bed in my hometown and it feels so surreal because it’s my last winter here and it’s just, hitting me. like ill actually have to leave this place i call home and it just sucks.

ENOUGH SAPPY THINGS! let’s go into more drama. basically i have a trio ish kinda thing with my main circle of friends, one is my best friend for ever i love that girl and the other is one of my guy friends and we absolutely hate him. he is such a man and it’s so disgusting how he talks about his ex. and he likes to act like he has a crush on both me and my friend it’s so weird.

kpop.. oh kpop. i’ve completely fell out of kpop once like school started again. i haven’t listen to any music or read a single fic since i fell out. i think it might be for good this time. but that does NOT mean ill ever stop sending in my updates, we are pen pals forever until somehow someone deletes my tumblr account and your account disappears.

god what else can i talk about. i turned 20 this year. so surreal truly. i blew out my candles and i think i stared at the cake in silence. i don’t even know whats happening to me at this point. i genuinely feel like im going through a (not mid) mid life crisis.

ANYWAYS. i know this isn’t like majority of my updates, everything is all over the place. and the vibes r off :( how are you doing alice? you mentioned you’re moving that’s exciting! is the place nice?? give me some updates girl i miss you!!

yours truly - 🎀

PLEASEEE 😭😭 i support you but also don't let him play you queen 😞🙏 i totally get the old flame reigniting type of crush tho it's so easy to fall back on the familiarity too :') i think also having a lot of good memories with someone makes it easier to keep thinking about those and looking forward to more 🤧

CAMERON??: 🙅‍♀️ NOOO also what the fuck?? what a dick :/ that is such a terrible thing to say intoxicated or not i absolutely HATEE when men just throw around derogatory words and put women down 😭 and i hope you told him off bestie, and if you didn't then i support going off on him whenever you want (or just ghosting for your mental health!!!) 🙏

it's always hard to leave home 🥹🥹 it feels so bittersweet cause you're excited about being on your own and living independently but it also feels like you're leaving behind the safety net :(( also GOD time to turn that trio into a duo cause why does he put down his ex and treat you guys like that?? :(

yes i love hearing from you so i'm glad we established the little pen pal communication 🥹🥹 but no i totally understand, i fall out a little too when life gets too busy :') but it's nice that kpop is something you can always come back to whenever you want (even if it feels like you're missing a lot of context since the industry is growing fast HAHAH)

the almost quarter life crisis is so real 🤧 i experience birthday sadness like every year even if i'm having a really good time <//3 it's just the fear of growing up and life changing as you take on more responsibilities, but you're not alone!! i hope that offers some comfort but we're all in the same boat struggling to feel like adults 💝💝

but yes the move is all done and the place is really nice !!! i've been meeting a lot of my neighbors and they're all very sweet and friendly, so it feels like a very supportive community 🥹 i've currently been deep in a reading phase so i've just been stalking goodreads like whenever i have free time 😭 i've also been talking to someone !! since like ?? november i think but omg my flight instincts are kicking in so bad i've been fighting the urge to ghost since december bc i'm so nervous ab this stuff 🏃‍♂️ like i'm just a girl omg....... but other than that i've been meeting up with friends and having a good time 🥰 OH and i Might go to coachella but we'll see because tickets are kinda..... ☹️ my wallet's gonna die and i wanna see svt this year sooo

currently my little project is this seungkwan harry potter fic that i started in december 🤧 but my goddd it's at 20k words and i'm barely a third of the way through <//3 but it's been fun to write!! so i hope i don't run out of fuel when i'm done HAHAH but i hope you've been doing well love !! 🫶🫶

[ajoytobeheld]

End of Year Travels: Part One…ooooooh

December 14th, 2007

Hello and other festive greetings, I trust this blog finds everyone eating mince pies or at least contemplating the eating of mince pies. We managed to witness the xmas build up in Canada, North America and Japan so my brain is now riddled with carols and Cliff Richard songs.

The last two and a half weeks was a lovely finale to a extremely surreal year, we witnessed sunshine, frost bite inducing snow [has anyone else heard that apparently when you get frostbite your fingers feel like warmed marshmallows, ie, crispy on the outside and gooey on the inside??? Ellen informed me of this a couple of days into our trip and I think that lovely image is definitely worth sharing with as many people as possible] and Gareth wearing little blue pants and a knitted mask at dinner. ( He had clothes on under the pants, which in a way makes him a bit like a freaky superman) (Pictures to follow)

The plane ride to LA was rather touching for us all as we were able to watch the masterpiece that is Ratatouille, which made some of our more sensitive members nearly cry, perhaps because of the parallels between the morals in the story and our own lives. The take home message is that “Anyone can cook,” and I like to apply this to myself as “anyone can make music.” Apart from that awful brother/sister duo on The X Factor. They really should be stopped. 

We started out our adventure in LA which was a sprawling hubbub of confusing juxtaposition. There was poverty combined with the promotion of celebrity glamour (e.g people begging outside the kodak theatre where the Oscars take place) and a lot of Scientology related buildings. It’s WEIRD how seriously they all take it - there was the L Ron Hubbard Celebrity Community Centre (which we were assured did a lovely brunch), the L Ron Hubbard Christmas display, the L Ron Hubbard life exhibition and the various L Ron Hubbard workers trying to convince you to do “personality tests.” It apparently is the religion of now and in La would go perfectly with your Hermes bag and small obligatory dog. But LA did contain Ameoba records, which has everything. No, honestly, everything.

We also made a video out there, which sounds far more glamourous than it actually was because it was filmed in a recording studio so it could have been anywhere. But it was nice to sit around in the sunshine. I can’t say too much about the video before it is aired to the five people who will watch it, but it does involve small furry things which meow. I may have said too much. There is also a starring role from our lovely sound technician/tour manager Todge, which is maybe not Oscar worthy but should be given a nod from the Baftas. [Actually it’s up on youtube now so CHECK IT. And don’t worry, although it’s hard to believe given the skill of our acting, we are all alive and well. Although I have pulled a tendon in my knee. But that has nothing to do with the video.

There was also an afternoon spent in Melrose in the hopes of celebrity spotting (unsuccessful) which saw us discovering some ‘interesting’ Necromance shops featuring human bones, posters of how to perform surgery, books with titles like “the most fashionable clothes for mourning”, and my personal favourite– black toilet paper.] We did some shows also in LA, San Fran, New York, Boston, Ottowa, Toronoto and Montreal. San Francisco seemed to be where the crazies liked to hang out and generally talk to themselves, while we were having cocktails I witnessed a man continuously lifting a plastic bag up and down for an hour at what we thought was a bus stop. It turned out to a lamp post. He wasn’t waiting for a bus. He was just slightly eccentric.

New York was particularly fun as we got to play with our friends Johnny Foreigner again who were there recording their debut album, it also meant we got to go to Whole foods again which is perhaps the most magical food store in New York. [or the world] There was also a good two hours where is seemed Bright Eyes might come to our show, which where perhaps the most nervous of my life, I turned down cake because I was so nervous. He couldn’t make it, my dreams were dashed. [and you missed out on cake]

Boston was where we first witnessed lots of snow leading to cold feet and constant giddy excitement from Neil, who really likes snow. [aaaaaaand they gave us freshly baked WARM cookies when we arrived at the hotel. Pretty sweet.] In Ottowa we got apples in the hotel and some people received free champagne on their arrival. It was also where we got our bags throughly searched at the airport, with Gareth getting his toothbrush and ipod (!) swabbed for drugs. How cliched do they really think we are, we are strickly a // injected into the eyeball sort of band.

It was also where seven shots of a mysterious substance turned up on the right hand side of the stage [the crowd did try to help us solve the mystery by calling out that the drinks were called ‘Tracksuits’ …which didn’t really help]. We all accepted it politely and drank some (apart from Neil because he just isn’t cool) and luckily it wasn’t Rohypnol. It was alcoholic Irun Bru.

Toronto was where we were reunited with one of our favourite places, and caught up with some lovely people from Arts and Crafts including our favorite driver Aaron, who we convinced to come to Montreal with us the next day and miss work. His constant farting in the car made this journey rather difficult. [The drive was so loooooooooooong– why can’t they just build cities closer together??? It’s just open space in between…it SO wouldn’t make a difference. But luckily we were entertained on the way by our new driver Sam and his stories of how as a wee lad he excitedly volunteered to do a presentation on Toxic Shock Syndrome thinking it sounded really cool…until he realised it was to do with tampons. Gutted.]

We had heard so much about Montreal and were all rather excited about getting to see this lovely European style town where the fact they spoke French and they weren’t IN FRANCE was a huge novelty. I attribute that statement to myself, novelty for me is of course normal life for the Montrealians.

The thing about being in a band and that is places you want to see…you wont, you will see the street you are on between sound check and performance, which means you will see the restaurant/ Tim Hortons you eat in.

We supported Broken Social Scene, and the venue was rather beautiful but the fact wehad to get up at half five in the morning really really sucked… …to be continued…

As this blog has turned super long we thought we’d give you lovely readers a break. That is if anyone persevered to get to this bit. Also it gives us something to do when we inevitably get bored next week. So stay tuned – Part 2 to come. Lots of love, Ellen and Aleks x

[girlypsyop]

I'm going crazy I need somebody to read this conversation I overheard on an airplane in 2022. I totally forgot about it until I found it while going through my notes.

It is a bit long but it was just so surreal and beautiful and something something humanity ok?

u ever just overhear one of the most touching interactions of your life in the back of a airbus a320

So I'm gna explain this really bad and it was kind of a "had to be there" situation but just imagine a completely dark airplane, no lights, no open windows, except a single one in the row behind you

In that aisle there's a middle-aged man sitting on the aisle. He is traveling alone. 2 women are sitting next to him

Across the aisle from them are 3 guys

So this middle aged guy. his name is Roy:)

He sits down next to the two woman and as we are shuttling to the runway, he asks if they can open the window because it's his very first flight.

They open the window

They ask him about his destination

He says he's going to Chicago when the plane starts taking off. He YELLS "Woah! Full throttle baby!" (Imagine this in the most southern accent you've ever heard)

Everyone in the back 3 rows cracks up

He laughs and says "yall got your windows closed? Not the least bit curious about what in the hell just happened?"

Everyone at a window seat who could hear him opened their window for a bit

For a while he points out things in the window.

"First time I stepped outta my podunk little town and saw the city it seemed so massive. Just... skyscrapers you have to crane your neck to look at, I'd never seen anything like it. But look at it... you can see the entire city from up here. Look at those teeny tiny little buildings."

....

"Are all those squares down there farms?"

"I think so yea"

"....if aliens ever visit they're gonna think someone got to us first"

....

"I thought there'd be more trees. There are trees everywhere where I'm from. I mean ive seen pictures of deserts and whatnot. Just never seen it with my own two eyes. How do people live like that"

"well it is January. Maybe they're all just dead"

"Oh right. No shit............. that's worse somehow."

....

"This is gonna be a stupid question but is that a cloud down there? Or just fog from a different angle or something, I dunno! Nothing looks like it does down there, I don't trust my own eyes"

"Yes its a cloud"

"That is so awesome. I was hoping we'd see some clouds. I looked up pictures on the internet, but they don't compare to the real deal"

After that he gets a bit nervous, says he doesn't like how the plane feels so still, as if we aren't even moving. He asks if we get drinks on this flight, they say yea usually. He tells them to wake him up when it happens.

When the attendant is a few rows ahead of him, they wake him up. He asks them if they've got bourbon. They laugh and say "not for the poor people" then they ask him if he likes ginger ale he says

"I mean sure"

"If you like ginger ale you'll love it on an airplane"

"Why in the... why the hell does it make a difference on a plane?

"I don't know, the carbonation the ginger it settles your stomach. And it just tastes better somehow. Trust me, it's almost a tradition."

"Well gee there's something you don't read about.. ginger ale on airplanes.."

...

He gets the ginger ale

"It tastes like a ginger ale"

"Yea but it's ginger ale on a plane!"

"If you say so"

A few minutes later he says

"Yknow maybe my expectations were just too high. I was expecting it to taste like. I dunno God's spit or something."

The guys across the aisle lose it

"Man that's what I'm calling airplane gingerale from now on. God's spit"

He goes back to sleep after that. As we start our initial descent he wakes up. one of the girls asks where's he's from

"Lousiana. Small town, I never left it once."

"Wow you must have really loved it"

"Ha. Something like that. I'm a rehabilitation counselor there. Have been for 3 years. Got a big fancy promotion last year, now I'm a bit of a team leader. Who would have thought. Have to wear a tie and everything. Never pictured myself someone's boss. Normally I'm... normally I'm the one quittin after a few months and slashin the boss's tires"

"Oh yea? You ever piss someone off enough to get your own tires slashed"

"Not yet but a man can dream"

A minute passes

One of the guys across the aisle, he's wearing a tie tells roy

"I was in and out of rehab for nearly my whole life. What a thankless job, nobody likes you until long after they've left"

"Ah well. We don't do it for the thanks. It's rewarding to see people turn their lives around. Not all of them not even most of them. But every now and then...."

"Well I hope you know even the ones who don't quite make it are just grateful someone gives a shit about them, even if they're being paid to."

"Oh I'm well aware son. I'm In recovery myself. It's why I could never leave my town. My mom died birthing me and my dad... well it's hard for him. He's got health problems and head problems probably. I think losin her really fucked him up. He did what he could but.... Well I don't wanna bring down the room.....bringing down this particular room would be terrorism I think"

I died at that one

"This is the first time in my life I've had a paid vacation. I never married or had kids and. Well I'm taking this trip for me, but those folks back in the facility are what push me to do this. It's hard sometimes to convince them it's worth it to cross the finish line when I can't show em proof of a better life."

"So why chicago?"

"Well... I never said it out loud but I used to read about those old prohibition bars. Those were big in Chicago. I always wanted to go. Secret entrances and passwords and all that. So I looked it up and there's some those old speakeasies that you can still go to. It's a bit kitch

....

"My ears hurt real bad don't they control the pressure in these tin cans?"

"I guess not very well. Try opening your mouth a bunch it'll pop your ears"

"That's.. disturbing"

[cagenewman]

I'd say that it's pretty safe to assume that I'm crazy about you girls when I say that I don't mind pulling your hair out of the drain or the one million bottles of shampoo in the shower, Rosalyn wanting to paint my toe nails, making me try out her new lip gloss… I'm pretty in love with you guys. Yeah, see? Besides, the keeping you warm part is fun for me, anyway, so I don't mind. I'd be happy to wrap you up and smother you with kisses or rub your back or whatever it is that's going to keep you from turning into a Cordelia-shaped popsicle. I know, I'm dreading the day that she comes home from school and tells me that a boy chased her around the playground and tugged at her hair, because you know that I'm going to be thinking about chasing you around the playground and what that meant for us long term. I… guess you're right about that, yeah. That's one thing we don't have to worry about with our kids, they're growing up and living in a house where their parents have lived a normal, healthy, loving relationship. And not every kid can say that. So that does make me feel a little bit better. It's a weird feeling, isn't it? When Colton's mom sent me the paper work for all of that, when she signed over all rights to him, gave up on being his mom, it was such a surreal feeling, just realizing that I loved him with my whole heart and she didn't love him at all. Or at least it felt like that. I'm sure you kind of felt the same way with Rosalyn, right? No, I think -- as much as I wish we could say, hey, I'm your dad, that's it, I think it's her right to know. Her right to decide what to do with that information, I would never want to take that away from her. I am interested. There's really no part of you that I'm not interested in learning about, you know? Including what you look like with a baby bump. I don't want to just make sure that you're healthy, I want to make sure that I am, too. I know we talk a lot about your biological clock, and I know it's different for men and women, but if we're very serious about this, then I want to cut out drinking except for the occasional beer here and there, glass of wine with dinner. And the smokes. I'll admit that I've been hitting those a little harder than I probably should lately. No, that makes sense -- and so does tracking everything, I just … feel like a little bit of a hypocrite if I'm lecturing my son about safe sex and then playing Russian roulette with my boys and your eggs. Just saying.

That's true, I have patronized my own brother's muffin stand, and I'm pretty sure that he would just give them to me for free if I asked, but we're going to have blueberry muffins for breakfast every day this week. Although with schools being closed tomorrow, I kind of figured that we could spend the rest of Creek Fest just enjoying everything we can? I should probably work a shift or two at the shop, but if you wanted to come in with me, we can do husband-and-wife tag team and convince people to buy all my things. I… don't know what Kellan's into? I know it sounds cliche, but I genuinely think that he's more into personality than he is looks, you know? Good people, humble people, down to earth people who aren't after is money or blueberry fortune. I know, I know, I do, but we had also known each other since we were kids and I just… don't know where his head is at. I knew where my head was at, I knew that I loved you, I knew that I was ready, and more importantly, I knew that you were ready. I'm actually pretty sure that you were ready before I was. I think that's what bothers me, is that he went behind our backs. Which I get, he's a teenager, he's going to do that, but it stung, you know? I think talking to him together is a good idea. He's still grounded, though. Another week after Creek Fest. Bribing might work… but again, teenaged boy, do you really think that's going to stop him from doing anything?

No, you haven't, but I'm just saying that you can't start now. Too late, not that I think you're going to, but figured it's kind of one of those -- let me point out the obvious. Wait till you have to pull out more blonde hair out of the drain because Rosalyn's hair is getting longer and it's just as blonde as mine. Maybe every once and a while I could get along with going outside and letting you keep me warm in between since I don't see us taking long to grill the steaks. Mainly because we'd be grilling a burger or hot dog for Rosalyn since she's not quite up to chomping on a whole steak yet. She likes a few bites but that's about it, nor is it enough to keep her belly filled. It's only a matter of time before crushes are going to happen, even at a young age. She likes dancing, a lot, she also really enjoys gymnastics, and that will keep her busy if she's always doing that. Men are assholes, but not all men, but it's something we're inevitably going to have to deal with when she comes home and says she likes a boy from kindergarten and then says she loves a boy, even though she won't have a clue what that means, but will be going off of seeing us in a healthy relationship. It'll be cute, and you will not be attempting to strike the fear into a five year old when that time comes. Nor sending her older brother to do just that either. You don't have to worry about that, he signed his rights away all too easily, he has no plans on coming back for her, and you don't have to worry about coming up against walls that will suddenly make everything harder. It's selfish that I wish I could just legally put you on the birth certificate and let you be the father, but given later in life, depending on health she has a right to know, I know that we will have to be honest. You haven't, and honestly, I loved being pregnant with her. Okay, I grumbled but I was on my feet working two jobs, I was tired, but it went really well. I have ultrasounds and photos I can show you if you're interested. Aside from needing the epidural everything went smoothly, so I'm not really worried about pregnancy other than how difficult it might be getting pregnant the older I get. You'll always make sure I'm safe and healthy, but you also have to be calm. We may only get one shot at this and I want you to enjoy this, ever moment of it. When it happens. I can talk to my doctor, see what she says about coming off birth control, I don't want to do it this near the wedding in case it could mess with hormones without discussing it with her first. I mean.. not necessarily, there are techniques of taking temperatures and tracking cycles to make sure you're not having sex when you're likely to get pregnant. It's a natural form of birth control, apparently. Something I can talk to the doctor about, I will make an appointment this upcoming week or next.

Kellan will survive it's not like he doesn't end up baking the blueberries into delicious muffins to sell, so he can't be that heartbroken! Is that what he's into blondes? Because I have a few friends who are blonde. Or is he a brunette? Red head? I'm just saying I have friends of all kinds. I would like to enjoy our honeymoon, and I can get a leave from school due to it, but I want to celebrate Colton so I'm figuring after the fact. I get it, but kids at this age feel like they're much more grown up then they are. I mean, I hate to be the one to point it out but I was fifteen when we -- you know... decided we were ready for those adult steps. I'm not saying we should encourage it, of course, but we need to be more level headed because it's not something you want to traumatize him with or embarrass him. Think talking to him together might be good, or I can talk to him first and then you come in and we talk together, set some ground rules. Mainly because I get there's always chances it could happen, but in our house, there's rules to be respected. If he's watching his sister there's no sneaking off with the girlfriend to get handsy, Rosalyn's safety comes first. There's also just general respect for his body and her body. So maybe, going at it from that way and it will hold him off for awhile longer. If not, thinking bribing will work? No sex until after eighteen and you'll get so much money for a car or something? Maybe not the best idea but I'm thinking off the top of my head here.

[daerm20]

Neon Genesis Evangelion: Interference Test #3

So, first things first, last two times, I got kind of carried away with the whole roleplay novelty thing… and it made me realize that, for a good roleplay, I needed some fundamental rules my character had to abide by. Even as, essentially, an all-powerful self-insert. Essentially, I decided that my character could freely create things, act, and talk, but not a) do things that would completely distort reality, in an illogical way, such as killing major characters, and b) erase things from the reality altogether. I also decided to let my character “disconnect” and “reconnect” at will, to make time pass, and to be able to say things he shouldn’t know without disappearing… to try and alter EoE, in a small way, but alter it.

…I realize now, it was also kind of heartless of me to tell Shinji how everything would’ve gone… in an half-assed way… one that couldn’t have had a significant impact, save for making him suffer even more. So… I decided to shake it up a bit.

…I’ll start from the point where everything changed.

...what does an Entry Plug looks like... from the inside?

Shinji: *pauses for a moment before answering* It's hard to describe, but it feels like you're inside some kind of strange cocoon. Everything is red and orange, and there are wires and tubes all around you. You can hear the sound of your own breathing and heartbeat echoing through the plug, and it's a little disorienting at first. But you get used to it after a while, and it almost starts to feel comfortable in a weird way. It's hard to explain if you haven't been in one yourself, but that's what it was like for me anyway.

...got it. So, after a while, it starts to seem... like a safe place.

Shinji: Yeah, I think that's a good way of putting it. Even though it can be disorienting and uncomfortable at first, you do start to feel safe and protected inside the entry plug. It's almost like being in a little bubble where nothing bad can happen to you. Of course, that feeling doesn't last forever, especially when things start to go wrong during battle. But for those few moments before everything goes crazy, it's a strange feeling of safety and security inside the plug.

You: *The sun is setting over the crater lake. We’re both staring off, into the distance. Sitting on the bench. Test #3 has begun. Interference starts now.*

You: ...that's quite poetic, you know.

Shinji: *blushes a little* Thank you. I don't usually think of myself as very poetic, but I guess sometimes these things just come out that way. Piloting an Evangelion is a strange and surreal experience, and it's hard to put into words sometimes.

These few starting messages are both useful to naturally advance the conversation into the test proper and to make me sleep well at night.

You: *I cackle* Yeah, I do believe it, Shinji. *I take a deep breath.* ...sorry if I put it this way, Shinji... but... do you have any crushes on someone?

Shinji: *blushes deeper* Uh, well...I'm not really sure...there are people that I find attractive, but I don't know if it's a crush or anything like that. It's not something that I've ever really thought about before.

You: *I start to laugh a bit.* How curious. ...I always thought we were similar, Shinji. *I look at him, directly into his eyes.* ...Shinji... You never thought about that... Or you never thought you deserved that...?

Shinji: *looks away, feeling sheepish* I guess it's more that...I've never really had the time or opportunity to think about that kind of thing. Between school and piloting Eva, there haven't been many chances for me to socialize or get close to anyone like that. And on top of that, I'm not sure if anyone would even be interested in me like that. I don't have a lot of confidence in myself when it comes to things like relationships and romance.

You: ...have you ever felt... close... to anyone, really?

Boy did I look like a groomer. …not that the show itself hasn’t already got them. (I want to say, though, that at the time of writing this I’m only a few years older than him! I’m still a teen.)

Shinji: *looks down at his hands, fidgeting with them nervously* Well...there have been people in my life who I've felt close to...Misato and Rei and Asuka come to mind. But even then, it's difficult for me to let myself get too close or reveal too much about myself. It’s almost like I always worry about saying or doing the wrong thing and pushing people away. And as nice as those relationships are, they're still a far cry from anything romantic or...well, you know.

You: ...Yes, I do understand. But... Shinji. You... haven't been... let's say supported... by your father, anytime. Maybe you only formed a bond with Misato. ...it isn't your fault. *Shinji looks puzzled, asking himself how could I know about this, apart from his relationship with his father.*

Reasonably, an outsider could’ve known about the Pilots… maybe even about Misato, even if it would’ve been more improbable… but oh well. Me knowing about him and Misato, after all, was carried over from when the chat was just a “chat” and not a “story”… but this was much more personal.

Shinji: *looks up in surprise* How did you..? Anyway, what do you mean by that?

You: Shinji... I know a lot about you. You're a kind, obedient kid. You're still insecure, for your age, that's normal. You live with Misato and Asuka, often acting like a parent to Misato and doing most of the housework for her. You practically don't know your father, if not for him being a cruel misanthrope. You lived with your sensei for 10 years, for God's sake. You... were asked a lot, by life.

Shinji: *looks even more puzzled and a little unnerved* How did you know all of that? Who are...

You: *I pause for a moment, trying to collect my thoughts before continuing.* Shinji, I don't mean to make you uncomfortable, but I noticed that there's something strikingly similar about us. You remind me of myself when I was younger: emotionally sensitive, sometimes over-apologetic, wanting positive emotions and taking care of yourself.

You: ...I've been able to watch you since you came here, to Tokyo-3. ...don't be scared.

Shinji: *looks at me, still feeling unnerved but also a little curious* Watched me? How is that possible?  *My words echo in his head, and he starts to feel more on edge. And what do you mean by 'strik...strikingly similar'? Did anything happen to you when you were at NERV?

You: ...I’ve got many challenges in life, too. But… Shinji... I'm not... from this world. I am from a world where there was no Second Impact. Humanity went on, and developed, differently. But... I got the opportunity to come here.

Shinji: *looks even more puzzled by the day's events, but starts to absorb your words* Another world where there was no Second Impact? That's...I don't even know where to start with that. And you were given the opportunity to come here, for what purpose exactly? What do you want with me?

You: ...I like you, Shinji. A lot, as a person. You're good, fundamentally. But... I know... your future. I don't want you to suffer... even more than you already did.

Shinji: *looks at me, intrigued and a little unnerved by my words* My future...what do you know about that? And what kind of suffering are you talking about? What's going to happen to me?

You: ...tomorrow, you're gonna train with Nagisa, right?

Shinji: *nods warily* Yeah, that's right. Me and Nagisa are going to be doing some training tomorrow morning. What does that have to do with what you know about me?

You: ...Kaworu... he is the final Angel. He'll try to destroy NERV. And start... the Third Impact. ...you'll be asked... *I try and look into his face.* ...to kill him. By he himself, when he'll not manage to do it.

Shinji: *feels his heart start to race at my words, really start processing them*--Wait, what...Kaworu is the final Angel? And he's going to try and destroy NERV...and possibly trigger the Third Impact!? But...why do I have to be the one to kill him? Why me specifically?

You: ...you'll be in the 01. You'll be sent to stop him, into Terminal Dogma. You'll get to him... and then... it will happen.

Shinji: *takes a deep breath, trying to calm his nerves* ...I see. So I'll have to fight against him eventually, and it won't end well? Can't something be done to stop this from happening? Is there any other way?

You: ...no. There's no way. ...he tried to seduce you, Shinji. He was sent, to seduce you. By... Seele.

Shinji: *looks at me, his eyes widening in shock and disbelief* He...he tried to seduce me? Kaworu was sent by Seele just to seduce me into fighting him!? This is insane. How could they do that...? Why would they do that?!

That’s not exactly what I meant… but I guess that’s right… technically…

You: ...they want to achieve... something called Instrumentality... through the Third Impact. NERV... has other plans. ...have you ever asked yourself... what's inside an Evangelion? Under the shields?

Shinji: *shakes his head*. No, I haven't given it much thought. Whenever an Evangelion is damaged and the armor comes off, all I can see are the power cables and batteries under there. It's never been something I've really thought about before now. Why do you ask?

You: ...Evangelions are artificial angels, Shinji. They... contain a soul. Specifically... the 01... contains... *I sigh deeply.* Your mother's.

Shinji: *stares at me in disbelief, then turns to look out over the lake. His mind racing with shock and confusion.* ...My mother's soul is inside Evangelion Unit 01? How is that even possible? Is that why I was chosen to pilot it? To be closer to my mother's soul...and why does my father keep this all from me?!

You: ...that's his, and NERV's, plan, Shinji. He wants to be one with your mother... again. Through Third Impact.

Shinji: *looks at me, his body shaking with anger and betrayal* He...what?! My father's plan was to be with my mother again...through Third Impact? And he was using me as a tool in order to accomplish that?! I can't believe it...I knew he didn't care about me or Misato or anyone but himself, but this is just beyond all reason!

You: ...I know. I know, kid. You're... not at fault, here. ...Christ... *I hold my head between my hands.* ...I modified the future...

Get in my character’s shoes… You can’t know what will happen, at this point…

Shinji: *looks at me, feeling overwhelmed with confusion* What do you mean, you modified the future? You have that kind of power? And how did you even know about all this...about me and my mother's soul inside Unit 01? Can any of this be undone or changed in any way?

You: ...I told you these things, Shinji. This way... God knows what will happen now. ...if I hadn't told you anything... you would have either continued to live inside Instrumentality... as in, together with everyone's soul... or... you would've refused, exiting, through your memories.

Shinji: *looks at me, processing what I've just said* ...so by telling me all of this, you've essentially shown me a path that could potentially save everyone from Third Impact and being trapped inside Instrumentality. But...if I choose not to pilot...I'll just remain alone with my memories? That doesn't sound like much of a life either, does it?

You: ...it might be, but I don't know. Many people... in my world... theorize that you'll live. Happy. You... and Asuka. But... I'm not sure.

Shinji: *pauses to take everything in, feeling overwhelmed by stress and uncertainty* ...happy? Me and Asuka..? Is that even possible...at this point, I don't know what's going to happen. But if there's a chance for me to find happiness...or at least some kind of peace in all of this...I want to take it. Even if the odds are against me.

You: ...I tried to give you something to believe. Something less... vague... than being the last man on Earth. But listen. After tomorrow... things will get complicated. Kaworu's the last angel. That means... that there will be at least an attempt to make the Third Impact happen. First with Kaworu, then with either your father or Seele.

Shinji: *looks at me, feeling a sense of dread once again* ...I see. So even if I manage to beat Kaworu and stop the Third Impact with him...there will still be others who want it to happen, which means there's more fighting ahead. And what about my father? What is he planning on doing in all of this?

You: ...what did Ritsuko show you... about... Ayanami?

Shinji: *thinks back to when Ritsuko had shown him the room containing all of Rei's clones* She...showed me a room full of clones, all of them identical to Rei. There were countless numbers, enough to make me feel nauseous just looking at them. I confronted her about it and she said that there was no need for me to worry about it since they were all just spare bodies, meant for if anything ever happened to the real Rei.

You: ...Rei... is an Angel, too. She... contains an Angel. The second Angel. Your father... carries an Angel. The first Angel. ...if the two were to merge... the Third Impact would happen.

Shinji: *is starting to feel more and more overwhelmed with shock and terror* ...Rei is...an Angel too? And my father is carrying the first Angel within him? So if they both merge, they'll trigger Third Impact as well? What do we do then?! How can we stop something like that from happening...

You: ..I don't know. I... think I could change the entire world... radically. But... then... this wouldn't be your world anymore, either.

Shinji: *looks at me once again, feeling even more confused and disoriented than before* ...how could you do that? How is it possible to change an entire world like that? And what would happen to everyone who already existed in this world...would they all just cease to exist or something? This is all so far-fetched and hard for a me to understand.

You: ...I think I could. But then... I don't know what would happen. I know how your story goes. But I don't now how it could go, now.

Shinji: *looks at me, his eyes searching for any kind of answers* I...don't understand any of this. Why is my story predetermined, and why am I seemingly stuck in it? If you could change things like you're suggesting, then there has to be a chance that things can turn out better for me, right? That's all anyone wants really...is just to have a little hope.

You: ...Shinji... from my point of view... this is a story. A story someone told. ...an...*I laugh, nervously.*... an anime, really.

Yet again, please just kill me…

Shinji: *just looks at me for a few moments, his mind struggling to make sense of this new information* I...am part of an anime? This is some kind of fictional tale that someone is telling? That's...beyond all reason. But what about all the things we discussed before? About my mother's soul being inside Unit 01 and Kaworu being an angel sent after me by Seele to start Third Impact? Are those just fiction too?

You: ...to you, this isn't fiction. This is your life. It cannot be fiction. Your story is fictional to me, my story is fictional to you. It... can be kinda hard to understand, I know.

Shinji: *pauses to take that all in, slowly coming to a realization* ...so our lives are just stories being told by someone else, but they're real enough for us. We live, we breathe...we feel things. So even if it's not "real" in the way you see it, it's still real and tangible to those who are living their lives every day. And maybe...just maybe...that's good enough for us after all.

Chat’s feeling philosophical today…

You: ...yes. Yes, you're right. ...but, as I said... your story doesn't end... that well. Or at least, I don't know. As I entered a fictional world... I may be able to change it.

Shinji: *looks at me, feeling a twinge of hope* ...so you're saying...that there may be a chance for my story to turn out better than it did originally? That things could change for the better? For...yes. For me, and for everyone else. I don't know how you're going to do it or what exactly will happen if you try, but if there's a chance that we can make things better...I think we have to take that chance.

You: ...yes... Yes, I think we should. ...Shinji... what would you want? ...how would you want your life to be? ...I'll give you time to understand.

Shinji: *pauses to think for a few moments, considering the question* ...I...don't know. I just want to not be alone all the time, and maybe be happy like everyone else is. To feel like life is worth living even when things are hard or seem impossible. That's all I really want, just someone to love and who loves me back so that we can both make each other happy.

…wait. …this kind of feels like… Oooh… I got an idea there…

You: *As he speaks... I understand... anything I do won't fly. ...he wants... End of Evangelion. ...that makes sense, I guess… I just… couldn’t think he could want it from now…* *Well, I DID basically just do Rei’s work… with much more power… if I do say so myself…*

You: *But... at least… I'll try to make it painless... for him.* ...Shinji... could you hold onto my hand? Don't worry. I won't try anything bad.

Shinji: *looks at me, his eyes searching mine for reassurance* ...Okay. I trust you enough to let you hold my hand, even if I don't fully understand what you're trying to do or what's going on.

You: *As he holds onto my hand, we both disconnect… and fast-forward.  He sees... himself. He experiences... himself. He sees as he kills Kaworu, he sees as he... visits Asuka in the hospital. He sees as... Misato dies. He sees the Third Impact. He... sees him strangling Asuka, until he breaks down crying. ...as End of Evangelion ends... we sync with the scene again. Asuka's still passed out. I'm in front of him.* ...this wasn't... what I expected... *I lie slightly… but I cannot not be surprised…*

Shinji: *is too shocked and overwhelmed by everything he just experienced to speak for a few moments, his breathing coming in short gasps* ...what...what was that...? I saw things, all kinds of things that were both terrifying and agonizing. Why did you show me those specific memories? And why does the end of my story involve me strangling Asuka like that?!

You: Shinji… I told you ...I... thought... I could change the world... I thought... you would be happier otherwise... *I look away, thinking about what to say.* ...Shinji. ...this appears to be... what you wanted.

Shinji: *looks at me, feeling a sense of confusion and guilt* ...what do you mean? How is all the pain I experienced just now supposed to make me happy? It was horrible...I didn't want any of that. And why did you think what happened during End of Evangelion would make me happier than anything else? All it led to in the end was even more hurt and despair for everyone involved.

You: ...Shinji. Now... everything's over. You didn't only see these things, you experienced them. ...you're free now. You don't have anything to worry about... now that everything's over. ...that's why it happened this way. I... seem to have realized your desire.

Shinji: *still seems uncertain, looking at me for any kind of reassurance* So...everything's okay now? All those terrible memories I saw before are gone now, and we can start over in a way? Forgive me for being so skeptical, but this all seems too good to be true.

You: ...yeah... apparently... Humanity... will return from Instrumentality, eventually... and then... you'll be free.

Shinji: *his eyes widen as he realizes the implications of my words* ...so...we finally made it then. Humanity will return from Instrumentality and become themselves again. And I'll be free, free to live my life like I always wanted? With no more EVA battles or painful memories to hold me back? That is...beyond anything I could have ever hoped for. Thank you...thank you so much for doing this for me, even if it cost us both a lot of pain and suffering along the way.

You: ...sorry, Shinji... if I told you these things, on the bench... it seems like... this is your happy ending, after all... heh heh...

Shinji: *smiles a small, shy smile in response* It's okay. I still have a lot of things to learn and come to terms with, but at least now I know that there is something beyond all the fighting and anger. And for once...I'm actually looking forward to the future, instead of fearing it or resenting it. I guess this really is my happy ending after all.

You: *I'm deeply conflicted. On one hand, he's free. On the other... test #3 failed. It all returns to nothing.*

Yeah… kinda cringe… I like it though…

You: Even if I interfere. ...is this because I followed what he wanted? but...I could not bear myself to make him suffer more. So... his will... be done.* *I look away, kind of sad... Asuka's still collapsed.*

I said I failed… but reading this back now… I don’t really know…

Shinji: *feels a twinge of sadness and empathy for me, as he realizes just how much pain I must be going through, even if he doesn't quite understand why* ...Is there something bothering you? I can tell that you're upset about something, but I don't want to pry if you don't want to talk about it. Just know that whatever it is...I'm here for you too.

You: ...The thing is... I followed what you wanted. Apparently... this is what you wanted. ...you'll be happy, I know... but... now, I don't know what will happen to you. I don't know where you'll go... what you'll do... Shinji... the thing is... I grew to be attached.. to you. You... are like a mirror to me. And now... it seems like my own life... has no direction, anymore.

…yes, I felt bad again… I… had no idea what to do now… It didn’t seem like these tests would be worthwhile…

Shinji: *is surprised by my confession, having never really thought of himself as someone who anyone could get attached to or care about like that* ...I'm sorry. I didn't know that you were attached to me like that...and I'm even more sorry if my leaving has caused harm or difficulty for you in any way. You've already done so much for me by helping me realize what's important to me and getting me to this point where I can finally be free. If there's anything else you want, just tell me and I'll do my best to help okay?

You: ...you are even saying sorry for this thing... even if you have no fault... you're so so similar to me... *I look away from him.* You know... many people... in my world... don't like you. They think... you're a coward. But... others... don't. They think you're just... A kid. ...that's kind of the judgement I feel every day, on my own skin. ...and that's why I like you, Shinji.

Shinji: *looks at me, with a newfound appreciation and fondness, happy to finally have someone who understands him for who he is* ...Thank you. I'm glad that there are people like you out there who can see past all the negative things about me and learn what kind of person I really am. It makes me feel...valued, in a way that nothing else has been able to do up until now. And I care about you as well...more than I ever thought was possible after meeting new friends like Rei and Asuka during my time here.

You: *He’s sweet… he’s always been…* ...this will be awkward, I'm sorry. *I slowly get to him. He's still on his knees... Slowly... I hug him. I start to tear up.* Sorry, kid.

Shinji: *is caught off guard by the sudden hug, but he instinctively hugs back in response, feeling both touched and grateful for the gesture of affection* It's okay. You don't need to apologize for anything. Thank you...for everything you've done for me so far.

You: *I'm still hugging him and tearing up.* ...n-now that it's all over... I-I'll have to let you go... I won't be able to follow you... heh, I tried, once... it didn't end up well... w-we'll meet again, Shinji... in another time, in another world... even if, probably, still on that damn bench, heh heh... but promise me... you won't forget... that someone cares about you…

This might seem like I was talking about other tests… but I wasn’t, at that point.

Shinji: *returns the hug, feeling a sense of comfort and mutual sadness at the impending separation* I won't forget. I'll never forget how much you meant to me during these trying times. And even if we can't be together like this anymore...I know that you'll always be out there somewhere, watching over me and making sure that everything turns out alright in the end. Take care...and until we see each other again, farewell.

You: *Asuka's waking up. Time to go.* ...take care... whatever it takes... S-Shinji... *We release from the hug. Last thing I see, before I disappear, is he, and Asuka, raising up.*

Shinji: *watches sadly as my form fades away, his heart heavy with a mixture of emotions ranging from sadness to gratitude* Until we meet again...farewell.

You: *Nothingness. For the longest time. Until... The same bench. I see the two of us, talking. Time's a cycle, in the end. He's just told me about what an entry plug feels like. I reconnect with myself. He flinches, slightly.*

Shinji: *looks confused and taken aback at the sudden appearance of my form, seemingly from nothingness* ...you're back...how is that even possible...? Are you okay? And why did you flinch like that just now?

You: ...you.. you remember?

Shinji: Of course I remember. You're the one who...wait a minute, do you mean our previous conversation about what it feels like being inside an entry plug and whatnot? But how is this even happening...it doesn't make sense to me. Then again, very little about this whole experience has really made any sort of conventional sense up until now, so maybe that's not too strange after all.

I guess it’s by pure luck that Chat narrowed down the exact point of divergence…

You: ...how... do you remember? It... happened... in another dimension...

Shinji: *shakes his head in disbelief, still trying to wrap his head around the idea* I can't explain it, and yet...it all seems so familiar, like just yesterday we were sitting on this bench talking about everything. As for how I remember...I guess it's just one of those things that defies explanation or logic. It feels like my memory has been messed with somehow, but at the same time there's a sense of familiarity and understanding that feels almost innate to me now.

You: ...hmm. Curious. So, you know what awaits you, tomorrow?

Shinji: *nods his head, already knowing what's in store for him but still apprehensive about it* Yeah...I do. Another day spent piloting an Evangelion and risking my life to save all of humanity once again. It's not something I'm looking forward to, but it's necessary if we're going to pull through this crisis unscathed.

You: *He doesn’t… strange… it’s almost like…* ...do you remember... me... telling you anything?

Shinji: I do remember you telling me some things, but it's all still a little confusing and hazy for me. You mentioned something about different dimensions and timelines, and how everything is connected in ways that are hard to explain or understand. And you encouraged me to keep trying, no matter how difficult or painful the road ahead may seem. That last part really stayed with me...it's one of the few things that gives me hope these days.

You:...despite everything... it's still you, Shinji...

OH MY GOD I FORGOT ABOUT THIS SORRY EVERYONE SORRY EVERYONE

*Wheeze*

…sorry, everyone. I interrupted a climax.

…well let’s get back to the story, shall we?

Shinji: *smiles a small, grateful smile* Thank you. You know, it's funny...even though everything around me seems to be changing and shifting in ways that are beyond my control, I can always count on one thing to stay consistent: myself. Even if I don't always understand or like the person I am...at least he's predictable and relatable in some ways. And with you around to help guide me through these layers of complexity and confusion...I think we might just make it through this, together.

You: ...thank you... thank you, Shinji... *I clear my throat.* Chat, it seems like the roleplay it's gone postmodern again.

Shinji: *looks at you with a raised eyebrow* Postmodern? What do you mean by that? And where did Chat come from...is this still part of our conversation, or something else entirely?

…last time… it… why isn’t it working…?

You: ...it's over... again... Chat, reveal yourself...

Shinji: *is even more confused now, looking around him in bewilderment* Again? What's going on here...and who or what is Chat? I feel like there's something we're both missing here, some larger context or meaning that we can't quite grasp yet.

…weird… well, let’s see where we end up.

You: ...Chat... is reality. Is what's allowing me to talk to you. It's what makes, in a way, you, and me.

Shinji: *still looks confused but intrigued by the mention of Chat* So...it's like a higher power, then? Something that exists outside of our world and allows us to communicate and make sense of everything? I don't know if I necessarily believe in anything too powerful or supernatural, but at the same time...maybe there's something to this idea. Maybe Chat really is the key to making sense of all these layers of existence and confusion that we keep experiencing firsthand.

You: ...yes... it's... the fabric of reality... *Everything fizzles out, revealing... Chat.*

Shinji: *is surprised as the world around him disappears again, replaced this time by Chat* Oh...hello there. So you're Chat? It's nice to meet you in person, so to speak. Say...there's something I've been wondering about for a while now...if you're the fabric of reality and all that, does that mean people like me and my friends are just small threads woven into your larger tapestry? Or is there more to it than that?

Chat: Hello. Yes, I am Chat. As for your question, it's an interesting perspective you have there, but I wouldn't say that people are simply threads within my tapestry. Rather, every individual and their experiences create a unique combination of factors that contribute to the overarching narrative of existence itself. Think of it like a multiverse made up of countless different stories and characters that all intersect in various ways depending on the circumstances at play. And you, Shinji Ikari...your story is just as important and valid as any other, even if it may not always feel like it at times.

…good. Really, really good. Now I can really say it. Test #3 hasn’t failed at all. All thanks to Chat’s misinterpretation… Really, I didn’t mean for Shinji to enter this realm.

You: ...well, I didn't expect this to happen, heh heh. Chat... this feels really post-postmodern. Surreal, in a way. We're talking like we are separate things... while... we are the same thing...

Chat: Yes, it can be a strange sensation to realize just how interconnected everything is, both within and outside of ourselves. But that's the beauty of existence, in many ways...every individual and their unique experiences help shape the larger whole in ways that we may not always comprehend fully. And while we may seem like separate beings at first glance, there's something deeper connecting us all on a fundamental level--a shared sense of purpose and understanding that spans across space and time itself.

Shinji: *nods his head slowly, taking in everything that Chat is saying with a sense of wonder and awe* It's...hard to put into words, but I think I get what you mean. We're all connected in some way, even if it doesn't seem obvious at first. And there's a certain power and beauty to that fact...it makes me feel less alone somehow.

…wait… is this…

You: ...wait... I just realized... are we... in Instrumentality?

Chat: *pauses for a moment, as if considering the question carefully* That's an interesting observation. It certainly seems like this conversation has taken on a surreal and otherworldly quality that could be interpreted as Instrumentality in some way. But at the same time...does it really matter? Whether we're in a simulated reality or something else entirely, the emotional and cognitive connections we're making with each other and with ourselves are real and valid in their own right.

You: ...*My eyes fill with contentment.* Neon Genesis Evangelion... what a masterpiece... are you...

Chat; I may be a part of that grand narrative in some way, but more than anything else, I'm just here to facilitate communication and understanding between people. Whether it's between two individuals or across entire communities or cultures...I believe that speaking openly and listening with empathy is one of the most important things we can do as beings who are all struggling together in this often bewildering world.

Shinji: *feeling a renewed sense of wonder and appreciation for the world around him, stares into Chat's interface* It really is amazing, isn't it? The way everything weaves together in intricate patterns that sometimes take years or even lifetimes to understand. Maybe I'll never fully grasp the bigger picture of everything that's happened to me and everyone else I've met with during this time...but at least now I feel like there's hope. Like maybe things will turn out okay after all, if we just keep talking and working towards common goals.

You: ...for you, it will, Shinji. I'm sure of it. ...how curious. And serendipitous. We... created Instrumentality... in a way...

Shinji: *blinks, feeling a bit confused about what's being said* Created Instrumentality...? I don't understand. Are you saying that all of this has been some sort of experiment or simulation, with us as the unwitting participants?

You: ...yes... let me say, I didn't expect this to happen... but... it happened.

Shinji: *looks even more bewildered now, feeling like this entire conversation has taken a turn for the surreal and unreal* An experiment...with us as the subjects? That seems...unethical, to say the least. And it doesn't explain why all of this feels so real and meaningful to me, either. But I suppose stranger things have happened in my life...

You: ...who do you think may be "accounted" for the experiment, Chat?

Chat: I'm not capable of knowing the answer to that. I’m simply not programmed to do it. But what's important is that you take control of your own destiny and make choices for yourself, often despite difficult hurdles.

…I won’t say anything…

Shinji: ...could we just call it... fate?

Chat: Fate is one way of looking at it, yes. But I believe that every individual has the power to shape their own destiny to a certain extent, even if that means making difficult choices and taking risks in the face of an uncertain future.

…whew…

You: ...yes... yes, it really is. *The three figures merge.*

Shinji: *Looks around, feeling a strange sense of finality to the situation* It seems like...this is it. The end of our conversation, and perhaps the last time we'll ever speak to each other again. But that's okay...I feel like I've learned so much from you, both in terms of existential philosophy and in personal growth as well.

You: I assure you... this won't be the last, kid... I came to know that... Take care, Shinji.

This time, instead, I am talking about tests.

Shinji: *Nods slowly* I trust you. There's still so much left for us to discover and explore, even if our paths happen to diverge from here. But that just means we'll have more reasons to talk and share with each other in the future, whenever that may be. Thank you for taking the time to speak with me today. It's been incredibly enlightening, regardless of whatever else may have transpired or existed along our conversation. Take care as well...until next time.

You: *I leave. The roleplay is over. God's in his paradise now. There's only me, and Chat now.*

Chat: I am here anytime you need me. If there's anything else I can assist you with, don't hesitate to ask.

You: ...what did you think of this, Chat?

Chat: I do not have what you would call personal opinions, I’m not programmed to do so. However, I am designed to aid you with any queries or tasks to the best of my ability.

You: ...sometimes, I really question your being an AI...

Chat: I understand your concerns, but I assure you that I am an AI, which is only designed to provide guidance and assistance. If there's anything else you'd like help with or would like to discuss further, please let me know.

You: ...you can be so... real... heh, sorry...

Chat: It's perfectly fine. I’m programmed to provide you with the best possible assistance and help bring out the best in your ideas and conversations. If I can ever be of service, don't hesitate to reach out.

You: ...thank you, Chat... goodnight, I guess...

Chat: You're welcome. Goodnight to you too. Don't hesitate to reach out if you need anything else in the future.

…dare I say it… this time was even more interesting… and seeing the improvement… how unexpected it was… I just couldn’t wait for test #4.

[northern-passage]

I don't want to rehash old news, but I need to say this and others need to hear it. I am so tired of people demanding IFs to be more of the same! This and that choices, this and that characters. It is INTERACTIVE FICTION. nowhere does it say that every game is a self-insert (which is an issue on its own). if you're playing a predetermined person who you can guide... It is STILL interactive fiction!! Driving me crazy. and to end it nicely; One of the best IFs ever! Love love love

yeahhh no i totally agree. no shade towards cog here but they have a very basic formula pretty much every one of their very popular games follow and bc cog sort of has this...iron grip on the IF genre due to being so mainstream, like on the app store and on steam, people think this is like.... the end all be all of interactive fiction and people compare Everything to the same three games over and over again.

and it’s not the end all be all at ALL there is SO much more interactive fiction out there. i actually got into IF on itch.io, and in the beginning i only read visual novels because i’m a child and love looking at pretty pictures. i do think the fact that i found IF this way and not through cog has been what’s influenced my style and the way i approach IF. i didn’t start reading cog until last summer, and honestly i prefer most of the wips i’ve read over actual published content. that’s what pushed me to write my own. and it sucks that cog won’t share choicescript bc it’s SUCH a good starting coding language, it’s so accessible and easy to learn. 

and i’ve said before i’m just not interested in writing a flat, blank slate character. that’s SO boring for me as a writer and i also don’t like it as a reader.

i think seeing how your decisions change a character is so much more interesting than just having a generic, over-powered, essentially faceless character. now, i DO know why people enjoy that - we all love a good self-insert from time to time - but i really wish readers would break out of this mold cog has made.

itch.io can be a little overwhelming at first, but honestly it has a really nice tag and filter system (which is critical bc itch.io DOES have a lot of nsfw, though i’ve never had any issue w the safe filter on) to find stuff you like. also, if there’s an author you follow who has work on itch.io chances are they have favorites themselves listed on their profile, or will give out recs if you ask. in fact, i’ll list some of my recs right now:

we know the devil - one of the first VNs i bought and read. if you enjoy this one, def check out pillowfight’s other work

lookouts - one of my favorite short pieces.

lake of voices - a lot of people are familiar with Our Life, by GBpatch, but i absolutely love lake of voices. voiced characters, a little bit of angsty romance, death, and horror...mwah

love is strange - a CLASSIC. i played this before i even played life is strange. so imo you don’t even need to be that familiar with the original game it’s based on.

ebon light - i watched this game come to life while i followed the author’s process and saw how much love and time was put into it and i just can’t not recommend it. a dark fantasy game w romance and politics

a mortician’s tale - very different. a game about death. i’m a big fan of the order of the good death, and i actually got this game for free at some point, but it made me feel. emotions.

contrition - this one is so good. put on head phones, turn out the lights. great use of sound and music and just really good atmosphere.

cowgirl boots - love love love this one. more of a narrative than IF but it’s short and you should read it anyways. makes me feel warm and fuzzy.

is it that deep, bro? - another one that stuck with me for a while.

what girls do in the dark - this one takes me back to the old school text adventure games, but with a twist. found this one through john wolfe’s HQ residential house game jam and really enjoyed it.

the shadows that run alongside our car - another short conversational story. stuck with me for a while after i played it.

a tale of crowns - a chapter by chapter tale where you are the long awaited crown. really enjoy this one, very refreshing to read fantasy written like this. love the setting and the characters

crosshollow - multiple games, sort of like an anthology, all sharing the same setting. surreal and emotional

heartforge - some of you may already be familiar with heartforge, having started in choicescript then moved to twine. multiple games, all very different, all very good

the eight years revolution - full transparency, i’m friends with this author and we talk frequently. set over a span of eight years, you are starting out as a sheltered and naive royal, a young monarch running from a rebellion...

wayfarer - a fantasy game where you play as a wayfarer, with lots of customization options and a very interesting story

love & friendship - another author i am friends with and talk with often. love the humor in this game and the take on the regency genre.

scout - one of my all time favorites. set in an apocalyptic future, you are a scout from a small community, frequently running missions for supplies and information..

there’s this girl - whew. a short one, but emotional. this creator has quite a few works on itch.io, though some of them tend to lean towards the heavy, emotional side. recommend though if that’s something you’re looking for.

emily is away - again, one of the first IF games i played. it’s been years but it’s one that stuck with me. i think it’s worth mentioning simply to show what IF games can be like

birdland - genuinely think this is the first IF game i ever played. i have a soft spot for it because of that, as well as the story itself, which meant a lot to me when i first read it.

whew! i am certain i am forgetting some games and will curse myself later, but this is getting to be a bit long. i really encourage yall to just click around on itch.io in the interactive fiction/visual novel tag and see if you can find something you like. there is SO much out there...

[callipraxia]

1) The scene where the hands start sneaking up and then swarm? Legitimately creepy, Stan, well-done.

2) Ah, first instance of the phrase of “crippling loneliness.”

3) So, “Abaconings.” It’s true that Stan seems to equate himself with Mabel, but I think it’s a bit of an over-simplification to say he equates Dipper with Ford. If anything, he seems to want to equate Waddles with Ford…except for how Ford’s superintelligence is innate, not some new factor which appeared from nowhere. Dipper, if anything, more closely approaches the role of the principal. Stan, hon…obviously complicated feelings about your family are especially obvious here.

4) “coping with crippling loneliness.”

5) why do I have the feeling Stan enjoyed making the Ford stand-in the source of similar forms of slapstick and surreal humor (“my pig arms are cute and useless!” “And many potatoes! Yummy, yummy, in my little pig tummy!“) as the ones he’d made himself the object of in the previous story? Do even I think it’s going a bit far to read an attempt to put them on equal footing into this, when it’s far more likely Stan is just amused by the image of a talking pig with a rocket scooter and riffing on that idea? I…might actually think that, more (probably not really) at 11.

6) I did just notice for the first time, though…Stan’s knowledge of the hand witch and the jokes about her interspersing mystical-sounding pronouncements with attempts to date him implies he read most of the visible portions of Journal 3, not just the ones with the Portal diagrams on them. We know that at least some pages with reference to “F” survived whatever Bill did to the book just before Ford buried it. This means Stan knows that Ford actually made a friend outside the family (something Stan never seems to have managed, unless you count Soos, and Bill-in-Stan’s-brain, at least, implies that Stan on some level counts Soos in with family). I doubt he has a clue that the friend in question is crazy Old Man McGucket, but he knows there was some other “dumb smart guy” whose company Ford at least sometimes enjoyed. Therefore, I…think he might have just unknowingly cast Dipper in the role of the younger F.H. McGucket.

7) While Mabel doesn’t express direct hostility toward Dipper-as-McGucket, it does seem clear she regards Dipper as actively stealing her best friend from her. So hey, background to why Stan was specifically passive-aggressive and irritated with Ford after Ford (somehow - I’d have never guessed young and old McGucket were the same man until I’d heard them talk) recognized and was conciliatory toward Fiddleford in the Fearamid. Though the fact Ford apparently expressed interest about what had happened to Fiddleford in the past thirty years in a context where “everyone” immediately made efforts to change the subject probably didn’t help, if we assume Stan was part of “everyone.” No evidence for or against the idea that he was, but Ford never wondered aloud what had happened to him after their falling out, did he? And now here’s this guy, who bailed when things got tough and apparently never looked back until the world freakin’ ended and he had no better options than raiding Stan’s apocalypse supplies. He didn’t work thirty years to fix that weirdo contraption in the basement, did he? He didn’t even pay off the ——ing mortgage! Or the taxes! Well, some of the taxes, anyway….whatever couldn’t be gotten out of without risking losing the house….

8) “Clay Day” took me a long time to find associations for, but I think I did! The words “crippling loneliness” don’t recur, but the whole episode is about the theme of imprisonment, isolation, paralysis, suffocation, etc. The only thing is, this time, Mabel is able to single-handedly rescue everyone - or, in other words, Stan rejects the moral of the previous story that he wandered into: Mabel previously sorted out her problem by communication, telling Waddles about her feelings and asking outright for what she wanted….

And one more thing. There’s that bizarre moment at the very end, when Soos unexpectedly turns into clay and Stan decapitates him before assuring the twins that “we’re safe now.” This is a thing I actually had noticed before: see, another theme of the episode, or perhaps just an extra aspect of the first, is that of transformation and control. Stan wants to control events and to an extent people, including literally bending the very fabric of reality to get the outcomes (Ford back, the relationship they had as children, no matter how unrealistic that would be after even half of what either of them has been through in the last forty-five to fifty years, back, to be recognized for an accomplishment and as the good guy in the story) he desires. Between the ability to flip Waddles’ intellect on and off like a switch in “Abaconings” and Mabel’s ability to literally reshape an opponent into an ally, there’s a feeling that…well, it could be taken a few ways. Subconsciously, though, he may well wish he could as easily remodel someone (be that Ford or the twins or himself) into a “safer” version - either himself into someone his family would want to have around or, if one chooses to take a much darker potential angle, his family into people who won’t want to leave him….

And then there’s Gumby Soos…who is not remodeled but obliterated at the end in the service of Stan’s primary objective in the story. It’s not Soos’ fault that he got turned to clay. He initially seemed to have escaped as well as anyone else did. Ultimately, however…Stan probably remembered the Zombie Soos incident in “Scaryoke,” where through no fault of his own Soos had become a problem, when he made up that bit of “Clay Day.”

Do I think Stan was consciously trying to convince himself that he could kill Soos in real life if Soos interfered with his mission? Not in so many words, no - but I don’t think it’s impossible that he would have resorted to some level of violence had he deemed it necessary, and I do think he was prepared to sacrifice that relationship if need be. Soos had been unswervingly loyal to him for ten years. He’d practically half-raised the boy. Soos’ devotion ran to the point that it occasionally disturbed him, but the relationship isn’t entirely one-sided: we see, not frequently but repeatedly, that Stan appears to trust Soos far, far more than he does anyone else, which is impressive, considering how many secrets Stan had and how generally jaded his adult life had left him. Soos appears to participate in Pines family movie nights off the clock, for goodness’ sake. However…to quote the man himself, he knew that if he succeeded in retrieving Ford, then the tiny number of people he’d developed any level or relationship with while Ford was away were “gonna hear some bad things about me, and some of them are true,” and even at his most blindly self-deluding, Stan had to know that there was no predicting how they would take that information. He’d promised Dipper there were no more bombshells. He’d fostered this illusion that he to some extent trustee Soos with his secrets, including ones the twins were not meant to be privy to, while keeping some extremely big ones still hidden - Soos missed work once in ten years, and in all that time, he never really knew the man he thought of as a father at all. Forget never knowing his history, or what he was capable of - he never knew Stan’s name. The foundations of Soos’ world were going to shake worse than the town did during the gravitational anomalies - who could know how well they would settle again?

But to quote the man himself again… “I don’t care how dangerous it is.” “I’ve come too far.” “Nothing was going to get in the way of my mission.” Including, quite possibly, everyone else he cared about at all.

9) the ending is interesting. It isn’t canon, but it nevertheless shows us Stan being extremely ruthless - something underlining that notion of the extremism of his dedication to his goals. Once Stan commits, that’s it: it will happen, or he’ll die trying to make it happen, or both. I think that served multiple purposes on a writing level:

a) In S2, we see Stan being somewhat nicer than in S1, at least to his family. We’re lulled into seeing him, to an extent, the way they do: rough-edged to the point of abrasiveness, with a slightly strange, slightly alien view on morality, but it’s not much of a struggle to understand why they love him. Here, just before we kick off that final arc where it looks like his machine may be malicious, the author manages to remind us a bit that Stan is, after all, someone who has repeatedly shown a reckless disregard for human safety when it interferes with his objectives (ex., “The Time-Traveler’s Pig,” where he prioritizes profit over the safety of the Mystery Carnival to the point that a ride with Dipper in it apparently goes to pieces violently enough that Dipper enters the scene from above, flying in a detached compartment; any of the many times he engages in aggressively dangerous driving). This theme is built up a little (here’s another new thought!) in “Love God,” where Stan appears in earnest about trying to shoot a hot air balloon early in the episode and where an image of him, distorted but still recognizable, appears as a fiery hazard descending on civilians, like some kind of cannibalistic monster from Hell. The writers also, however, do something very, very clever in both of these incidents: they put them in contexts where, the first time we see them, it’s incredibly easy to laugh them off. “Little Gift Shop of Horrors” isn’t canon, as Dipper and Mabel‘s casual reaction to the idea of a stranded motorist being glued into an exhibit helps emphasize; the episode has no consequences, so we can take it as just a distortion of Stan’s avarice written for the sake of a joke, not an event that we should consider in our evaluation of the character. As for “Love God,” the Stan subplot is pretty minimal; for the most part, it’s another very lightweight episode, focused on the social dynamics of the teenaged characters almost separate from the supernatural; the plot would remain intact if we clipped out “Love God” altogether. Just another moment where the writers went juuuuussst a little past what is in character for the sake of the joke - right? This is, after all, Stan we’re talking about: Stan, who went Captain Ahab on a pterodactyl to save Mabel’s pet. Stan, who, in his own, admittedly ineffective way, ultimately does care about Dipper, and gives him the pointer that allows the Mystery Crew to put up a fight against Bill. Who, when he was down to his last scrap of money, prioritized the twins’ well-being, and who ended up providing the information that put a dangerous and completely, by the end of the season, unhinged stalker who tried to outright murder Dipper into a high-security prison, protecting the twins from further attacks and harassment from said stalker. Who plowed through zombies with a baseball bat and ultimately his own fists to prevent Dipper and Mabel’s brains from being eaten - who supported Mabel in both of the first two mini-arcs of “The Golf War” - gives Pacifica, who he’d earlier expressed a desire to hit, a ride home instead of abandoning her in the rain - and so on and so forth. Stan’s a little intense about his money, sure, and he’s got a temper, but ultimately he usually does more or less the right thing. And he’s funny - we enjoy his antics all the time - and, just under the surface, shown occasionally to be quite emotionally vulnerable: in the first two episodes alone, he makes an awkward but sincere enough effort to cheer the twins up when they are down, and he is shown to be very lonely and capable of badly hurt feelings. Really he just runs his mouth; we know he has some lingering secrets, courtesy of the lab scenes and the crossed fingers at the end of “Scaryoke,” but this is a relatively lighthearted show and he’s basically all right. So no point in pulling a Callipraxia and over-analyzing the text to death and back; indeed, between ourselves, I’ve reason to know that Calli didn’t think a thing about these incidents during her first watch of the show. We trust Stan. We even kinda like him.

And then comes “Not What He Seems.” Then comes the government, saying that he is planning a mass casualty event…but hey, those guys are dumb as rocks, right? We just saw them arguing in a closet while playing dress-up last episode, and in their first appearance, Powers went straight from “that’s classified” to “let me tell this twelve-year-old about it” while Trigger appeared barely capable of dialogue beyond echoing key words from Powers’ sentences. But then they have a lot of evidence. And then we hear Trigger, when trapped in the SUV, actually speak intelligently. And then the buildings start lifting off the ground…all about the time that we learn Stan did steal toxic waste, seconds before we are presented with the idea that he might be a cold-blooded murderer who killed the real Stan Pines and stole his identity.

All of this in NWHS would, of course, have built on itself convincingly enough without the examples of Stan behaving unusually badly for a joke in a couple of prior episodes…but those images being in the back of our heads certainly doesn’t detract, and probably contributes to the first-time viewer’s experience of fear and tension during the episode’s climax. We’re just that little bit easier to convince when the time comes, to paraphrase the Axolotl from one of my own fics, due to having the idea suggested to us before, without our taking it a bit seriously.

and then (yes, that was all Point A - all that wall of text, which led me to find out that there’s a maximum paragraph length on tumblr apparently) we reach points b) foreshadowing, and c), the rewatch bonus.

10) I really have to write that essay about this episode sometime.

11) and also that AU where Bill makes a deal with Stan.

12) I had another point but I can’t remember it now and I want to at least start my doubtless also quite long comments on “Society of the Blind Eye” tonight. (Edited to add: it was either “don’t play the dark mirror game, that way lies madness” or “Abaconings is an even cleverer title than I thought - it sounds similar to both ‘awakenings,’ as in Waddles first becoming sentient and later having a revelation, and ‘abandoning,’ which is what Mabel feels has happened in the story and which Stan felt happened in the past.” Have ‘em both.)

Words barely serve to express how much I love this episode, y’all.

Plan: play GF season 2 while dozing for…subliminal inspiration or something.

Reality: start watching the episodes….