#it's probably because I have dyscalculia or maybe because

[homunculus-argument]

I know it would probably be a logistical nightmare to also make this accessible to the actual people represented, but I think it would be cool to have a game where the whole point is that every character has different limitations, that make it impossible or at least incredibly difficult to get past the whole game without switching them every once in a while, and the way you switch is by going to another character and asking their help with something.

Like you start out the game with one character and go "oh huh, the colour sceme of this game is really cool, really interesting use of such a limited palette", play through the puzzles for a while, and then encounter something where you're supposed to arrange some slightly differently coloured puzzle pieces to the right order by shade or something, and it's goddamn impossible. No matter how many methods you try, it's just not clicking, no matter how logical your solutions seem, no matter how clearly they can't be arranged in any other way that'd make more sense.

And maybe you go online to ask people "hey I'm stuck in the colour puzzle, what the hell am I supposed to do to get past this?" and someone tells you to go find one of the other playable characters and ask for their help. Which sounds patronising and stupid but you're stuck so you might as well give it a try. You go to one of the other characters, choosing the dialogue option to go "hey I need a hand with something, I can't do this on my own", and when they go "sure, let's go", your controls now switch to the other character.

And the colour scheme switches immediately. The aesthetic limited palette has changed to a far wider range, there's details in the environment that you hadn't noticed, like the muted faint flowers on the ground are actually bright red, the greyish shirt that your first character was wearing is actually striped with orange and green. The first POV character is colourblind, this whole time you haven't been able to perceive the difference between green and red. Solving the colour arranging puzzle with the other character is a breeze.

And this is the repeating theme of the game - every character has their own limitations, and while none of the puzzles are easy, you learn to think "maybe I should ask someone to help me with this" whenever you've been stuck for an unreasonable amount of time. You need to grab a buddy along for the quests, or you'll need to go back to get one eventually, and the way the game is structured somehow ensures that you can't just tactically dodge the limitation puzzles beforehand. Deaf character's POV doesn't have the audio clues that different pieces of the same puzzle make a different clicking sound, the puzzle with garbled numbers on it stops being garbled when you're not playing the character with dyscalculia.

You slowly get to know the whole cast, and occasionally help them out with things, too. You know which character could probably help with something you're stuck with, but while they'd be glad to come help, they're unfortunately stuck doing some task that could take you 20 minutes but is going to take them all afternoon, and you can offer help. Sometimes the helping-a-buddy-out minigames don't come with any direct transactional reward, you can just help a friend with something just because you can.

And the game's whole goal isn't to just illustrate how different people have different strengths, and sometimes things that are easy for you are hard for someone else, and vice versa, but to condition the player to think "maybe I should just ask someone to help, instead of wasting time struggling on my own."

[becausegoodheroesdeservekidneys]

So I decided back in September that it is Time. The time has come. I am going to try and get a formal diagnosis for my blatant and provable ADHD, because I am very interested in Doing Laundry

And in my defence it has only taken until this week (late January) to kick things off, which I am very aware should probably be part of the diagnostic criteria

Anyway

I have a plan! For the best chance of being taken seriously. If the university can do their in-house screening of me, I can go to my GP and make the following two points:

I am here because my boss felt I said "But everyone does that" one too many times while discussing the ND students, and she wants me to chase this in case it means she can support me better (I of course am charmingly bemused about it because I personally would never try and get diagnosed, no no, only those attention-seeking fakers do that)

An official educational institution i.e. my employer has in fact initially assessed me and deemed me Medically Distractible. I even have an ALN plan, look. So uhhhhh, maybe my boss is right? (I of course remain charmingly bemused about it because I obviously don't really believe it, no no, I could never be the expert on my own experience, but a Third Party is invested, so...)

Anyway yesterday the uni got in touch, and had me do the initial screening.

Now, they're doing it as part of a wider screening process of learning needs, so they also check you for dyslexia, dyscalculia, dyspraxia, and autism, as well as ADHD. Plus how good your reading/writing/maths is. Plus they make you do these really fun tests - one was like a classic American spelling bee, one was a spelling test where they read out increasingly lengthy fake words and you had to spell them (we started with "blit", and by the end she was saying things like "unintarcation" and "iffrig-oggonery" and "self-regulating free market" trololol I JEST), and the other was that she'd read out a string of numbers and I had to type them backwards to test my working memory

Good fun, actually. Anyway, my results were mostly completely fine:

Study skills are good! I mean, we're going orange at the end, look, time management is bad - but that's the ADHD, so expected.

No problems with the tests! I mean I'm slightly grumpy about the social and communication score going blue, because I'm pretty sure it's because I explained how I was bullied in school, which I feel is more about them than me. But eh.

Dyspraxia was a little less solid- that's the time blindness, I think. Also attention and concentration, that's expected. Maths, lol - that's not medical, I'm just bad at maths.

The autism testing. Again, mostly fine, but some overlap with ADHD symptoms, so blue instead of green. Makes sense.

And then

Fucking rinsed.

[tim-official]

when people find out they were taught colonial apologia & whitewashed, woefully incomplete versions of history by (e.g.) the US public education system they are usually (rightfully) angry they were denied the full picture, and do not go on saying "i'm just innately so bad at history!"

barring learning disabilities like dyscalculia that would have prevented you from getting very far, i think you should feel similarly angry if you are bad at math. you should think: fuck, i was denied the opportunity to be good at math! because, seriously, you probably were - math education in the US, at least, is not in a good state. you could have gotten it - they could have accommodated you - you may not have grown up with a lifelong love of math but you could have known enough to use it or at least understand why it's interesting, and where it is important, and not to flinch at equations whenever you see them. and they fucked that up for you by getting the volleyball coach a rubber-stamped teaching certificate so he could throw a bunch of shitty worksheets into a crowded algebra 1 class and call it a day! at very least, like the history example above, this opens the door to being able to maybe learn something about it someday, on your own terms

[not-poignant]

For T/F: for some reason I assume that you’ve probably had some experience (either of yourself or maybe people around you) of falling into the “gifted” category, and I feel like there’s probably some strong opinions on that maybe?

True!

~

This one is true in a complicated way.

As a child, no one thought I was gifted until I got into school. I was hyperlexic, reading at a level far beyond my age-range (I read Charles Darwin's On the Origin of Species at the age of 8/9, sitting on the library floor with the dictionary next to me so I could flick to different words and understand what they meant).

I was tested for giftedness/IQ but failed every test pretty spectacularly (we didn't know how many learning developmental disorders I had at the time, but it was a lot, and these tests in the 80s didn't favour any child with dyscalculia or severe dyspraxia, or ADHD / Autism for that matter). So everyone kind of officially knew I was pretty stupid, and the librarian was like 'what the fuck' while I quietly went through as many nonfiction books as I could because I found the fiction section mostly very boring.

Recently (like literally a month ago) when I was diagnosed with L2 Autism, I was also diagnosed with 2E, which is Twice Exceptional - or 'gifted but developmentally disabled.' It's a nice way of saying 'oh you're exceptionally smart (at certain things) and you're exceptionally special needs.' This also explains why I tested the way I did as a child, and kind of recontextualised a lot of things in my life, but I had to wait until I was 43 to learn that about myself, and until then I've always viewed myself as someone who was very stupid, but very good at pretending I wasn't simply because I could memorise things / facts I'd read in nonfiction, and I've been reading it since childhood. It's probably going to take a long time to think of myself as intelligent at anything other than words and reading.

So no, I wasn't raised as a 'gifted' child. I was raised as a semi-stupid child who read too many books. My sister tested as gifted and went into academic programs (and that definitely created some issues for her!) and I didn't, and started spectacularly failing maths in high school, which tracks for my level of dyscalculia.

It wasn't until university that I realised I could be clever at things, but again, I still credited that to 'I read well because I've been doing it a long time, and anyone - except for someone with dyslexia - could do this, this easily, and someone with dyslexia could still do this with the right supports.'

So I do have experience of falling into the 'gifted' category, but only for the last four weeks. It's also come with the diagnosis of L2 Autism, so mostly I'm just reminded at how fucking incompetent I am at generally being alive and functioning in a society.

~

From the true/false meme!

[lawlietscaramels]

Headcanons ╾ Matt

Because Matt.

they get more fun after the first few

　★━━─・‥…━━━☆

he seems like the kind of guy who grew up with lots of sisters

I'm bouncing forth between "all older than him" and "all younger than him" so let's just say some older some younger

somewhere between three and five

I don't think he would be an orphan actually (I have some headcanons for Wammy's House that I'll expand on some other time), he probably ran away or was kicked out maybe

I feel like his family would be really poor maybe he ran away to take on barely legal contracts and send them money

Matt's favourite Mario character is Rosalina, closely followed by Luigi

he has stuck a nicotine patch on his forehead before - yk like Amy did in Brooklyn 99

he tried to eat Mello's chocolate once when he had the munchies

oooeuggnhheuehh that was a mistake

he has never elaborated ↑

His favourite mythical creature is the wood nymph but if he himself could become a mythical creature he'd be a leprechaun

star wars is a fantasy star wars is a sci fi NO, YOU IMBECILES, STAR WARS IS A SPACE OPERA!! the only thing that can get him riled up is this debate

even though he actually hates Star Wars

Matt has a blonde wig and he doesn't know where he got it

watched Breaking Bad and cried

watched My Little Pony and cried

watched John Wick IV because he got lost when tracking down a target. accidentally shot the screen halfway through

Terrified of any and all old black and white photos of a young girl because he's convinced they're all vengeful ghosts. He would like to meet a ghost actually but NOT a young Victorian girl dying of tuberculosis thank you very much good night

Matt will drive through the city at night because it relaxes him. plays 80s or 00s grunge rock and takes pictures when he's stopped at traffic lights.

can play the cello

His weird-stare-without-blinking rivals L's

I headcanon him as Belgian

when he was little he wanted to be a park ranger. his favourite animal is deer.

his favourite word is "undiagnosed" and I think that says a lot about why he likes Mello (that said he likes the word because of how it sounds)

　★━━─・‥…━━━☆

I feel like he has dyscalculia

HE LOVES LEGO. like so much. he has played all the Lego games like Lego Batman and stuff. steals sorry borrows Near's Lego. he actually will return it.

Matt is actually a really sweet big brother figure to a lot of the younger kids.

he'd play games with them n stuff

He was in Japan when Haunted Mansion came out but figured it would be fun to watch it. He bought soy sauce popcorn (he was trying to buy caramel popcorn) and did not understand half of the movie but it was fun

oh yeah I don't think he knows that much Japanese. he speaks Dutch + English fluently though

does that thing where he glues a coin to the ground and watches as people try to pick it up. has laughed at this for hours. sits in a nearby garden and has a picnic

rolls his ankles a lot

gets sick relatively easily but will just continue on with life cause he doesn't get very badly sick. minor cold.

accidentally got himself abandoned on a desert island once. luckily he saw a helicopter while cloud watching. it found him easily because his hair looked like it was on fire

oh yeah speaking of his goddamn HAIR

it's brown, but bleaches red when he's in the sun. I also draw it with little green bits. because all the colour hcs are cool. and I'm indecisive.

he's really good at card games

has been on several popular TV game shows. always loses.

Matt!!

𝖎𝖋 𝖞𝖔𝖚 𝖑𝖎𝖐𝖊𝖉 𝖎𝖙 ˏˋ⋆˖⁺˖⁀➷ 𝖕𝖑𝖊𝖆𝖘𝖊 𝖗𝖊𝖇𝖑𝖔𝖌 + 𝖋𝖔𝖑𝖑𝖔𝖜

[ojbrush]

I dont have motivation to draw but you know what i do have? Ranting about OJ headcanons!

Hi gang i lobe OJ inanimate insanity and here are some in depth headcanons i have and imade sure to research alot about certain things but if i get asnything wrong that is on me and i aspologise OKAY!!!! GIGGLE OJ has Dyscalculia, BPD, and is autistic :3 Dyscalculia is a math learning disability that impairs an individual's ability to learn number-related concepts, perform accurate math calculations, reason and problem solve and preform OTHER!! basic math skills!!! >_< this is just a silly headcanon that may just be projection because i miighhtt have this myself!?!?! but not too sure maybe i just suck at math. WITH AUTISM . this guy does not get social cues, does NOT enjoy change. it makes him anxious, as shown a few times iirc. He gets obsessed with stuff and really never truly stops. Probably one reason why he works so much is because he gets so obsessed with working with stuff that he just doesnt stopo !!! He's also insanely impulsive. although he is a little mature he mainly doesnt think before he speaks, plus he gets very angry over the littlest of things which brings inn!!! BPD!!!! THIS GUY.. as shown in the show multiple times, he has terrible abandonment issues and tries so hard to make sure NOBODY leaves him again. the thought absolutely terrifies him. Despite getting so insanely angry over things (a recent example is when he and paintbrush fought in season 3 episode 4) and having awful and shaky relationships with others.. which causes people to leave him / abandon him. He also has impulsive and risky behaviours (which also ties into his autism traits) such as ALSO ruining okay relationships because of sometjing he thought of someone, thinking they are bad and will hurt him.

(Plus, even better, the hotel OJ canonically has had a casino OJ created!! which could also tie into the impulsive and risky behaviors with gambling!!) what ties with the fact he has intense anger, is also shown with the amount of times hes actually HAD a fight with someone in the show. let it be Bomb, Paintbrush, Paper. Sometimes it can get quite physical!!!

Which also brings us with Taco, since shes a whole thing with this guy. Despite him not being directly effected by her, She still tried to steal HIS prize!! He didnt like that. He got angry with that. he didnt truly show it, but we can tell he did. since everytime Taco is mentioned within his vicinity he gets pretty angry. This could tie with this symptom of bpd since he did, slightly like Taco before it all. Although thinking she was a little stupid, and useless. But this believing Taco is cruel, or doesnt care at all, has lasted over 12 years. So its more of a longtime thing. Which is also something with bpd, having a long time, long lasting hatred, angry, or just a strong emotion about something or someone. or nothing at all!!

Oh and by the way, this guy has a HORRIBLE time keeping good relationships, they usually end because of something he thought of someone. Such as Bombs "betrayal" in season 1, and he thought Bomb was horrible and hated him for a time. Or trying to dump Paper because of how he thought he was going to leave him. OJ has abandonment issues, and with this, gets angry at others for trying to leave him and abandon him, when they really aren't. Or he believes they are cruel and they do not give a shit about him or anyone's well being and tries to just. not associate with them, but he does eventually get them back. Well, sometimes atleast!!! also, to add onto Autistic traits HE GETS ANXIOUS AND UNEASY AROUND FIGHTS WITH OTHER PEOPLE / YELLING / LOUD NOISES !! as seen with the scene where EVERYONE is fighting in episode 1 season 3!!!

And although it could be because hes glass and easily broken, he gets scared when someone raised their voice at him, and looks as if they are going to attack him. But he also gets angry, and starts to fight back. maybe as a defense mechanism but whoo knows! (Note; this one may just be a headcanon, nothing in the show really suggests this but it is also pretty likely he WOULD do this!! he does have a history of snapping back at others and arguing with them if he feels threatened) also i would like to mention his constant state of worry about not being able to work. When he went to season 3 because he was invited, it is implied he rarely ever takes vacations / breaks from working. he says "I'm not too sure im on board with this vacay...--vacayggayu. AUGHj." (he doesnt even know how to say the word!) this could tie into obsessive behaviours?!?!? and if we think about it, it causes him excessive stress and worry. Anxiety about leaving the hotel to a different caretaker while hes on his break. Which he BARELY ever takes, mind you. Autism, and bpd symptoms in themself. He also has a lack of fear, but when something becomes too overwhelming he may overreact and have more fear than usual / expected of him. So yeah!!! little OJ thing, this is just because im insane about this guy. uhhh somethings may be inaccurate but hey, im just having fun and making reallyyy in-depth headcanons about a fictional juice, so. Happy days!

[nicki0kaye]

Some dumbass in the comment section of a youtube vid about how AI Art bros are jersk tried to make the argument that genetics determine talent and I kind of popped of. Turns out the comment thread I replied to is like 200+ comments deep and now no one is going to see my small novella about genetics v talent, so I've decided to share it here...IN TWO SEPARATE PARTS bc apparently it is too long and tumblr cant handle it alskdjflskjdf.

Hi, I'm the genetically gifted artist you're trying to cite for your argument. Both of my birth parents were artists in several fields and despite being adopted by a different family, I know that I've inherited most of their interests and am proficient at all of the things they excelled in; art, writing and performance to be specific. I now make a living as an artist.

You're also entirely wrong about how 'talent' works and how inheriting 'talent' works. What I inherited from my parents were their mental disorders. Adhd, Autism and chronic depression. Autism forced me to be far more observant of my peers if I wanted to have a social life. Adhd gifted me time blindness and the ability to hyperfocus on whatever tasks gave me dopamine, and Autism complimented that nicely with a shock to the nervous system when I was expected to change gears out of what I felt was safe into something I did not.

I had many avenues before me because of this; theatre was what my adopted parents assumed I would pursue. But then chronic depression came in with the steel chair at the end of highschool and no, no I did not do theatre, that shit takes too much energy for too long of a period of time.

So. Art.

Why am I so genetically good at art? Well, and this is again Probably The Autism, I'm very good at recognizing and retaining visual patterns, I'm super interested in body language and costuming and micro-expressions--all things I need to pay attention to if I wanted to be liked by allistic classmates--and drawing quite literally regulates my nervous system, so I'm gonna do it often just to cope.

I don't have a fucking 'artists' gene. I have a brain that is predisposed to certain pattern recognition and through access to resources (GLASSES, I AM BLIND AS SHIT AND WITHOUT GLASSES NONE OF THIS WOULD BE POSSIBLE) was able to find and cultivate hobbies that either worked with or helped regulate the myriad of bullshit I won through the genetic lottery.

I'm a good artist bc I put in the work. I put in the work bc my brain is wired to really like certain work. It didn't have to be art. If i were less depressed, it could have been theatre--either writing, performing or directing. If I was less autistic, it might have been something with more abstract thinking and less focused on decrypting human expression and repurposing it in ways that I Personally Like. If I was less ADHD, it could have been more academic studies, like Marine Biology since I really wanted to do that when I was little. If I didn't have exercised induced asthma, it could have been competitive swimming, bc my swim teacher really thought I had a gift for it. If I didn't have dyscalculia, it could have been something that involves number crunching and long distances, bc I don't understand that shit for beans, completely locking me out of a large chunk of possible careers.

And maybe without all of that, I wouldn't have had the perfect cocktail to give enough of a shit to be good at anything. Maybe I would have just been an office clerk, making a decent wage and filling my cubicle with anime figurines.

[candycryptids]

■ -  Bedroom/house/living quarters headcanon

✿ - Sex headcanon

∇ -. old age/aging headcanon

♒ - cooking/food headcanon

Tangy, all Tangy, give me Tangy Lore

■ - Tangy makes her long-term stay wherever the Scions have settled- the Waking Sands, the Rising Stones, unfortunately missed out on most of The Falling Snow.. while she’s still a much smaller Miqo’te staying in the Waking Sands she insists she doesn’t need much space to sleep, and just has a bunk with a leather bag hanging off one of the posts. Granted, that bunk is piled with blankets and pillows, and she doesn’t even sleep under them; it’s all just lumpy padding for curling up on top of and snoring. (After meeting with Chuu and finding out 1) there was a way to avoid getting arrested after the Banquet fiasco and 2) she could totally be stronger. Totally. And subsequently getting… let’s call it Off-Brand-Fantasia’d, she needs a bit more space.. she stops snoring most of the time, though. Having more snout apparently makes it easier to not snore!) She doesn’t ever keep an apartment of her own, but she does sometimes trek from Revenant’s Toll to Vesper Bay to check in on the old haunt, since Urianger seems keen to Never Leave. lmao.

This gets real long so here’s a cut for the sake of the dashboards lol (good lort there’s images down there…)

✿ - She’s Asexual! In that she doesn’t feel sexual attraction towards people, but she does enjoy the act? It’s a good way to relieve stress and it’s fun exercise and it’s a nice way to bond with others.

She does, however, struggle with the ‘Oops’ part of Chuu’s ‘Fantasia’ which was giving her a body with a dick :T There’s a learning curve. (Among other curves. Wink? Sorry dndndndnfke) Also, not necessarily sex, but she probably kisses her friends. Because she cares about them! Cheek kisses, lip kisses, forehead and top of head kisses… hand kisses… Kisses :)

Yda and Tangy pose is [Glomp Tackle] with fresh expressions but the rest are all custom done ;w; oh also shader is Neneko’s Love… I think.. 🫢 it’s all the same one 🤦 I just forgot to write it down

∇- I genuinely think Tangy gets a handle on Accounting by hanging out with Tataru so much over the years. It keeps Tataru’s mind off worrying about everybody as much while they’re away on business, and Tangy gets to wrinkle her brain (this takes. Such a long time though. She’s still not reliable for it, either, but she’s passable :3) .. for a proper aging headcanon tho I think as she gets older she becomes an anchor point for the Scions like Tataru is. Sets up shop and trains young adventurers in combat and cooking and camping. Her whiskers twitch when thunderstorms are brewing. She still sometimes needs nudging from her own students on things, but it’s usually in things relating to Reading. I feel like she has pretty bad dyslexia and maybe even dyscalculia that she’s just learned to deal with.

♒- LOVES food. Loves to eat. Loves to help with cooking. Measuring ingredients for recipes is actually pretty easy since it’s not demanded exactness, it’s just “half of this cup, level this cup, just enough to cover the bottom of this pan,” like, not exact. You feel cooking with your heart. And kneading bread is an excellent and fun work out to her. Can not bake.. Kinda wishes she could. She’s just not precise enough, and she gets the order in which things have to be done mixed up, so she ends up with some pretty…. Not exactly inedible but…. 🫢 It’s not appetizing looking.. and it doesn’t taste great… She’s not a picky eater, but she hesitates to eat snails. It just makes her a little sad, cos they’re cute to her. And then she eats them anyways =w=; the chef worked hard to make this delicious meal and she’s gonna eat it! (And not eating the snails would waste their life so. Honor their sacrifice and eat them.) Her favorite food is whatever she can eat with her hands/whatever’s in front of her at the time, and any of F’lahminn’s cooking. Even if it’s burnt.

[shout out to Elio for their Dango Props they’re so cute]

Oh shit I forgot to link the [Ask Meme]

[icedmetaltea]

.

I'm supposed to go back to my apartment tomorrow... or at least start, it's a 9 hour drive. Considering I can't go 30 mins in a car without a panic attack, I'm guessing I'll have at least 5 a day, and considering even one is traumatizing enough??? I'm gonna fucking die I swear to god

There's still so much to do, so much to pack, so much to clean, dishes to wash, laundry to do... I've barely eaten today and I didn't even notice till now. My stomach hurts but I'm not hungry, couldn't dream of eating rn

I've had this awful choking, lump-in-throat feeling come throughout the day, got really bad this past hour, just been laying in bed trying to not swallow cause whenever I do that makes it worse. I keep coughing, trying to get it out, but nothing helps... I know it's gotta be anxiety but in the back of my brain I'm worried it's asthma, like I've had mild asthma this whole time and just didn't know it and I'm just lucky I haven't died yet

Sure feels like I'll suffocate. People liken it to breathing through a straw and yep I've sure felt that a lot. I also noticed it gets worse when I use perfume so that leads me to think it could be that more...

Nothing is helping today. I've tried staying distracted by playing games but no, ofc it's 70 degrees... is that normal in march?? I don't even know anymore. It's supposed to get to 80 on thursday. My only hope is that the conditioner my parents are lending me will work better than the shitty window fan in literally one room in my apartment.

I don't want to go back there. Realistically I know I have to, I still have a lot of stuff I'd need to throw out before I could move, and if I did move... where?? There's nowhere to go. I could move to an apartment in the state my parents are moving to but they're in the process of moving in and it could take like half a year or longer for them to fully move in, and even then I don't know if they plan to stay there or only go there in a specific season.

My sister isn't that far from the apartment, maybe 20 mins ish, but she works and I don't know her schedule, plus she has kids and will probably not be available most of the time if I have a bad panic attack or there's some kind of emergency

Everything is just so fucked right now. The economy is in shambles, women's rights are getting stripped away more and more every day, we're on the brink of like multiple wars and I'm just trying to get through my last semester and don't know if I can due to all this shit plus my dyscalculia

Even if I do... what then?? I don't have a plan for my future. I would never make it as a therapist. I would never make it as any of my other dream jobs through the years. The only thing I can think of is some computer science job but my eyes cross when trying to do that, I'm the opposite of logic-minded, I really just have no skills or passions or anything to set me apart

And my blood pressure keeps getting high for some reason. I know it's probably the anxiety but what the fuck am I supposed to do about that??? I tried therapy for half a year and it didn't help, might've made it worse bc she kept saying I should just give up and go on disability (which as we know would probably just lead to poverty) I can't get on meds because the ones I've tried make me suicidal (er) and I've tried healthy eating + exercising as much as I can considering I can't do anything more than walking and guess what??? I still have anxiety

I just want to live with my parents forever but even if I did, they're still going to die someday. Everyone I love is going to die and I'm going to be alone and/or abandoned again and again and again. It's be just like danny all over again.

Like genuinely what am I even alive for?? People always say it gets better and sure it does... for a while. Then I end up back at rock bottom. And I always will. Because I'm a failure

[bunn-iiii]

some killjoy hcs for my like... versions of them? or maybe AU of them? I'm not sure-

FABULOUS FOUR:

Jet Star: she/her, he/him, xae/xaer. Was born inside the city but he and his mom fled to the Zones when he was really little (like 3 or 4). She is definitely a boygirl, girlboy, girlfriendboyfriend, and that boyfriend who looks like a girlfriend that the Killers were talking about. Absolutely has both a mom voice and a dad voice xae can do. Eye patch is star shaped for aesthetic reasons. Only writes letters in glitter gel pens. Father figure goth girl (no you don't get any context). Tired a lot and probably has a sleep disorder but it's not confirmed since she lives out in the Zones. Usually seems stoic or angry to others but the 'joys that know xaer know that's just xaer resting bitch face, though xae can be quite mean at times if need be. Has the most medical experience but can't really help much outside of stitching wounds up, disinfecting, and bandaging. Often looks very disheveled for no particular reason. 19 years old.

Party Poison: they/them ... just a bit of a enbywhore, just a little bit. Hides their feelings a lot since they view themself as the leader, "makes up for it" by being overdramatic to annoy people. Sassy. Has nightmares a lot due to the trauma of making it into the Zones in their early teen years. If you ask them to turn down the music and don't give an actual reason as to why they should (like overstimulated or have a headache) then they'll just respond with "LINE?? SORRY I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER HOW SHINEY THIS MUSIC IS!". Found family sucker, made their own out of the Fab 4 (and also sort of the 109 radio crew). Unlabeled. Has definitely kissed a 'crow just to catch them off guard so they could dust them. Or kissed a crow for fun just because they could. Kobra Kid is their brother. Would be the unreliable narrator. They have dyscalculia, which doesn't come into play very often in the zones but is why Jet is the one who handles all money transactions. Supposedly a prophet? their night terrors turn out to be sort of prophetic. 18 years old.

Fun Ghoul: Uses all the pronouns, every neopronoun, every binary pronoun, doesn't really have a preference. Completely Zone kid, born and raised. Feral little guy. Has a bit of a sweet tooth (a nack for explosives). Running away from the consequences of xer actions. Burnt off their fingerprints on one of their experiments. Really smart but acts dumb because it's fun to trick people (they are a little dumb though). Cartoon character energy. Sniffs people??? Nearly goes cage mad every other week due to understimulation (which is why her finger prints are burnt off). Sharp teeth that they shaved to be that way after they got bored of blowing up things one week. Sometimes Jet will take them driving or racing to keep cake entertained. Possibly bisexual?? Bites people as a love language. Somewhat violent and is prone to throwing bombs to let off steam instead of yelling at people. Gets into fights every so often that Party has to break up. Probably has a fair amount of hearing loss due to being dumb and exploding things without ear protection. Around 17 years old (clouds exact age is unknown since xei never kept track and don't really have paperwork due to being born in the Zones).

Kobra Kid: he/him, they/them, ve/ven/vens/venom. Silent violence type. Either non verbal half the time or just doesn't want to talk. Left blood in your Valentino white bag. Has memory problems which is why the Fab 4 often take a lot of photos so ve can remember. Just a little bit crazy, but more so protective. AUTISM. Special interest is snakes currently since he found a book on them. Got the vodka taken away from them after they tried to chug it on a dare from Ghoul. Mood swings, often rages out and joins Ghoul in blowing things up with bombs. Has a hard time crying though, it's really tough to get them to cry which they both love and hate. Cat energy. Owns a katakana cause why not and also ven is super cool so of course. Has Pathological Demand Avoidance (or what some people with it call Pervasive Drive for Autonomy which honestly I like better) and isn't aware of it, Party has found quite a few work arounds from trial and error from living with him as his primary caretaker for a while. 16 years old.

109 RADIO CREW:

Dr Death Defying: he/him, but has grown to not care as much what is used for him. Keeps insisting that he's fucked up from the war and that he's dangerous but really he's like a dad for everyone. Wears silly patterned socks a lot. PINK GUN! Has lived through a lot including multiple assassination attempts. Pan, but is extremely defensive??? Pro-respect women fr "It's okay to murder but it's not okay to disrespect women.". Raised Show Pony and Cherri Cola for the most part, being the two's biological uncle. Way too avid music listener, when he's not running the radio station he's finding new music (and sending Show out to get said music). Hasn't actually lived through a lot, he's died multiple times but he's friends with the Witch, her being an old friend he knew before she became the Witch, so he ends up getting revived. Iron deficiency, which eating the food that they can get out in Zones has not helped in any way, is the main reason he uses a wheelchair (along with joint pain and such). He has a couple different wheelchairs, including one that is all terrain which he can pop a wheelie on but he refuses to go out as much so it doesn't get much use. Taught the 109 radio crew and the Fab 4 sign language and holds classes for 'joys wanting to learn it. Around 36-38.

Show Pony: they/them primarily but uses a few neopronouns (which I've yet to decide on). Weirdly obsessed with water for some reason, any safe (or even not safe) body of water they've probably jumped in. Definitely has danced in the rain like a crazy person. Memory problems and often forgets things they've said more than things they've done. When they were younger they were a fairly shy kid, after a while they had a sort of personality change. Paints their nails a lot, sometimes paints others as well. Feminine in the way a gay guy is feminine but also they're enby. Pushes their heart shaped sunglasses down their nose so they can look over them like an annoyed librarian. Has probably been deficient in a lot of things before and sometimes just lays on the ground when they feel sick because it's the only thing that seems to help. "The power of friends and GUNS!". Likes to tease people, especially cis guys, because they find it funny when they get angry and frustrated. Does the exact same thing to 'crows because seeing a crow lose control and try to kill them while they do barely anything to dust them is entertaining. Also a bit of an enbywhore like Party. They got given their first pair of roller skates by Dr D when they were 10 and now barely take them off. When they aren't wearing their skates they sometimes trip over their own feet because they still have the motor memory of skating. 19 years old.

Cherri Cola: he/him, they/them. They pirated their gender from BL/ind, they call themself illegally male. Mixed emotions kinda of person, looks angry when they're not. Definitely get angry while also appreciative, tough love-ish. Also prone to just… crying for no reason? can also fake cry really well which he uses to confuse 'crows. Pathetic little dude, coughing blood and then asking if he looks good. Kind of a bitch but that's okay. Punched a wall once because he was "full of love". Eating ibuprofen like it's a snack (much to the dismay and concern of Show and Doc who often try to hide ibuprofen bottles so they won't take them as often). Gets mad and slams his fists against a table or punches a wall and doesn't think about how much it would hurt until after he's done it. 17 years old.

[bookishjules]

i learned this year that when i was a kid, my grandma got mad at my mom for not paying enough attention to me. for not praising me when i did things well. for distributing her care and concern unevenly among her children.

my older brother is autistic and dyslexic and has dyscalculia, too, which is basically dyslexia for math. he had to go to speech therapy and occupational therapy. he had an iep (individualized education plan) in school and required a lot of guidance outside of it as well. i juxtaposed almost every single precedent he set. i excelled developmentally and academically, and i only needed to be told something once before i did it the right way. i was not the concern.

even before i connected the dots, i would act in ways to draw out my mother's concern. she told me a story, when i was probably around 4 years old, of how when i was really young, i got sick and lost so much weight that she was genuinely scared for me. any time i was sick after hearing that, i consciously ate less than what i knew i could stomach, lying about my appetite just to draw her attention and concern. i wanted to hear that story again, i wanted her to remember i needed to be cared for too. my eating disorder developed when i was 18. my grandma was dead by then.

i remember going through a phase when i was 14 of leaving words misspelled, even though i always knew the right way to spell them. i wanted someone to notice, to tell me i could do better, to hold my hand even if i didn't need it. i wanted my mom to look at me and see that maybe i wasn't as capable as she always believed i was. even if that incapability was all just fabricated. maybe if i wasn't as capable, my accomplishments would look greater. nobody ever noticed. my grandma had barely been dead a year.

one night when my grandma was babysitting my siblings and i, and i was up late talking with my sister, she came and slept on the floor between the bunkbeds as a way to get us to shut up. she was annoyed and upset and needed us to know that she was still there and would be all night. that night, i wasn't the one holding everything together. that night, her presence served as a reminder of her concern, that she would go to any length to make sure that i was doing as i should, rather than just trusting me to be mature. it's a fond memory, when my siblings and i tell it these days, an oh abuela, what a character story. but i think i would have liked her to lay beside my bed more often.

any time my grandma cared for me when i was sick, she would open up a capsule of vitamin c and mix it with honey in this little bowl. even when we had chewable vitamin c's that my mom would give us, even after i learned how to swallow a pill on my own, she would still hand me the bowl of sour vitamin cut through with just the right amount of soothing sweetness. it was a lot like her, come to think of it. kindness with a bite. and i swear she believed that vitamin c could cure anything. i don't remember the last time i took any sort of vitamin. but i still i crave her concoction every time i get sick.

there are a lot of things i wish i could tell my grandma--my abuela. through the years, i've often thought of all the accomplishments i wish i could share with her. little things and big things both. now that i know how much she pushed for me to be treated like any other child my age, i can't help but wonder if those wins are the things i dream of sharing simply because she's the person who would best receive them. now that i know . . . i can't help but add a thank you to my list of things i would say to her. thank you for holding my hand. thank you for seeing me. thank you for not letting my small needs go unnoticed.

thank you for getting mad at my mom so many years before i understood there were things i deserved to be mad about.

[not-poignant]

awh i had been wondering to ask if it would ever come up in utr but the last excerpt was exactly that! we usually see alpha - omega comfort but i rarely have read omegas comforting each other….theres just something about it that seems to give Extra Comfort! at first i thought maybe a scene with nate but he seems less sociable than flitmouse, who i thought might have been too jaded. and ef wasnt in the omega category until recently. so im happy to see it happening after all! alois overcoming his own reservations/issues because his nurturing/protective side is stronger is very sweet also. btw is flitmouse much shorter than efnisien? i remembered you once mentioning ef being taller than faber and even caleb. i know this is a silly question but who is the shortest character in the universe? 😂 im short just looking for comrades. ok ok cant wait for the chapter! thank u! xx

Hi anon!

We have multiple chapters of omega + omega comfort coming, in different ways, but chapters 103 and 105 deliver actual like... physical comfort and snuggling. I actually never thought I'd be able to write this when I first started Underline the Black! Efnisien was in such a hostile place re: omegas, and Gary was so incredibly closed to the idea of letting anyone with that much hatred anywhere near the omegas at Hillview.

But things really have changed so much for Efnisien, and so now I'm getting to write stuff that I honestly said was probably not possible in the very beginning!

Flitmouse is quite a bit shorter than Efnisien!

I have no idea who the shortest character in the universe is though, because I don't really do specific/exact heights outside of like 'Gary is taller than Efnisien, omegas are shorter than alphas' etc. The dyscalculia and my issues around numbers make those sorts of specific details really elusive to me, and even if I make something up, I never remember them so I contradict them constantly. So instead we get 'alphas taller than omegas, Efnisien tall because ardolphogen, Flitmouse shorter than alphas' etc.

Lucien's pretty petite though! And you definitely have a lot of short comrades among the omegas! :D

[ghostradiodylan]

9 people to get to know better

Thanks for the tag, @cleucas I did half of this on my phone then got distracted and tumblr ate it so I had to switch to laptop for that sweet, sweet auto-save.

I also have the kind of ADHD/possible AuDHD where any time someone asks me what I like, I forget everything I've ever enjoyed soooo I will probably come up with better answers in a day and frantically edit hahaha help.

1. Three ships: Rylan all day every day right now. Ummm I'm actually not a big 'shipper so when one grabs me it REALLY grabs me! Starting to dip a toe into Steddie from Stranger Things (Steeeeve Harringtonnnn) even though it makes me sad because I don't think they're bringing sweet baby Eddie back, and, uh, three way animated tie between Bee and Deckard from Bee and Puppycat, Bubbline from Adventure Time, and Rose Quartz/Greg Universe from Steven Universe.

Honorable mention to my first doomed ship which was Clark and Lana from Smallville. Just never got on board with Lois.

(I almost put the Nina, the Pinta and the Santa Maria in here because I'm an asshole, but fuck Columbus!)

2. First ever ship: Maybe Sonic the Hedgehog and Amy Rose? He fast! She cannot catch up! Kawaii pathos! (Although I shipped him with Mina the Mongoose in the Archie comics as a kid RIP to those.) Or Meg Murry and Calvin O'Keefe from A Wrinkle in Time.

3. Last song: Bigger Than Love - Oh Wonder (asdlfkjalskdfj)

4. Last film: I watched some awful streaming romcom with my mom the other day and an equally awful Hallmark Christmas movie. Last film I actually enjoyed was probably His House. Scary and devastatingly beautiful!

5. Currently reading: Jane Austen's Emma on audiobook as I fall asleep and my own writing out loud to see if the dialogue is awkward in a bad way or in a good way.

6. Currently watching: Ghosts (UK - I’ve already seen the US one but I like this better so far). Research/I just like ghosts. About to start House of Usher and possibly Scott Pilgrim Takes Off.

7. Currently consuming: one thousand Coke Zeros but only because I'm out of Dr. Pepper Zero my beloved.

8. Currently craving: Dr. Pepper Zero my beloved.

Tagging some people I want to know! No pressure

(｡•̀ᴗ-)✧ (I also have not checked to see if y'all have done it already so sorry if it's a duplicate for you - tag me in a comment if you have I’m a nosy an interested bitch.)

@caesurah-tblr @cloudycaffeinatedcryptid @torchmlp @oh-cawsh @smthsmthclouds @insertlovelyperson @qusok @verloutte @pileontheyears @alinathefirst @andromaqves @electricdecades @sargeantsarmy you just popped up and reminded me I meant to tag you too. EVERYONE DO THE THING or don’t it’s whatever.

That's way more than 9. Whatever I have dyscalculia too. I mean, I'm a rebel.

[kanamori-kamper-moved]

Yuma for the character asks? :3 (and maybe Shun hehe)

did Yuma!!

General opinion/How much I care about them:

I CARE HIM SO MUCH!!!! HES so silly… love him

A ship I love:

sharkbaitshipping, Aztecshipping, keyshipping, cattobingushipping, etc. i have far too many Yuma ships oml

A non-romantic relationship that I love:

Ehhh probably anything familial. Unsure

The NOTP:

Skyshipping/Yuma x Tori. No hard feeling because I know you’d like it. I’d probably like it more if Tori’s character writing wasn’t as flat as cardboard. There was so much that could’ve been explored beyond “childhood friend”, and it’s a shame. anything with him and Anna. Not into tsunderes.

Also him and Kaito. I’ve never been into it from the jump, if you (like not you just people in general) ship it, it’s whatever you like what you like, I’ll just ignore it because I can’t change you. I’m just not into Kaito constantly treating him like shit and all of that. Ew :(

My biggest headcanon about them:

Yuma had ADHD and Dyscalculia (hes bad with numbers!), he also has like. The worst wardrobe. He has like 5 different fortnite shirts and Trey is begging for them to just go clothes shopping

Yumas also a very active fortnite player, Shark hates it.

An idea for a fanfiction I would like to write/read about them:

probably stuff with him and trey, the astral/Yuma/shark/trey polycule, and a fanfic about Vetrix recruiting him. I’m more interested in the last one because oh GOD now that I think about it that’s kind of interesting?? Yuma pulled into the old man yaoi drama!!!

Something that makes me think of them:

Planet of the Bass by DJ Crazy Times, don’t ask questions

[justalilguyoops]

Hi! I love your fics and I truly adore your characterization of Felix! My question is, do you think canon!Felix is that much of an airhead? I mean we know that he's seen doing shit like showing his doodles to his cousin grinning like it was the most amusing thing in the world, and we've seen him just sit under a tree with his broken bike hoping(!) for a higher being to maybe save his ass(?) etc etc. But -and this question might seem really ignorant (I'm sorry!) but I'm not familiar with the west's educational system at all - aren't you supposed to be smart to be accepted to Oxford? Or at least have the grades to show up for it? I mean I know Felix's family is important and all and maybe Catton donations are a Thing, but I was under the impression that he wouldn't be completly academically helpless. Like farleigh for example. He seems be intellectually very capable albeit admittedly, he grew up in different circumstances so he probably had show that he deserved what was given to him (although he did get expelled from multiple schools for his deranged behavior lol) Anyways! Love airheaded Felix with all my heart! And I love you for your genius writing!!

OMG hello anon!!! thank you for the question I'm always so shook when I get questions like this because I'm like,,,, people care what I think?? omg.....so I am very honored

SO! I think canon Felix is NOT an airhead, or at least not as much of an airhead as LAWS Felix is. I think WIPIP Felix is probs WAY closer to actual Felix.

I def think he's probably the level of stupid your average college boy is HAHAHA which means he's not....stupid....just dumb.....AKA I think he's probably just immature, cocky, and has never had to try that hard to get anything he's ever wanted.

Oxford is DEFINITELY hard to get into and you need good grades. I'm American (so obvi UK folks def probs know more about this than me), but I view it how we view the Ivy League, which are like our most prestigious universities and super hard to get into. BUT. There is a caveat that gives you an advantage in getting into these schools: Legacy students. I'm pretty sure this isn't as much of a thing for Oxford (just telling from looking it up) and it's more of an American practice, but to put it simply is that if your parent attended said university, you get a bit of an advantage for admissions. Yeah. Isn't that gross???

SO I kind of think about it that way: Sir James probably attended Oxford and they probably made some hefty donations, giving Felix a bit more leeway than most admissions would get. I think Felix probably has gotten pretty good grades when he tries, but I also think he gets away with a LOT more than an average student. Some nepo baby privilege fr fr. We also learn he's running late for his tutorial and SKIPPED the week prior from the whole bike scene, so just using that as a reference kind of tells us he's not the ~best~ student. I def think he's probably pretty smart though, just privileged and lazy.

And then Farleigh, on the other hand, I think DOES have to try. Even though he's supported by the Cattons, I don't think he benefits from the same privilege as the Cattons.

But LAWS Felix.......he is such a himbo.........true Gen Z'er who has no attention span because of TikTok (I say this as a Gen Z'er).....I don't think he's stupid, just that he kinda gets by in Oxford. For his grades before Oxford, I think he probably got a lot of little grade "bumps" from teachers. BUT I also think that maybe he gets accommodations? Here in the USA, if you have dyslexia or dyscalculia or other learning disorders you get a bit more leeway with testing and whatnot. By leeway I mean additional time, rooms where you test alone, etc. For LAWS Felix I have the canon of Felix dealing with Dyslexia/Dyscalculia/ADHD. He's fr trying his best my poor boy

BUT OBVIOUSLY all of this is just my opinion and what I think!!! I'm also an American, so a lot of my info is based on my experience in the American education system. Thank you so much for the question <333

[moonprogress]

intro post because i realise i have no real presence on this site beside checking it every month maybe

my name is zac/tsukiya, zac is a lot more personal tho im gonna assume ur someone ik irl if u call me that (i dont. rllyyy care tho)

im 15, i am not very active on tumblr but i WILL reblog stuff i find funny and see and think “yeah thats so true”

ummmm im mixed black 🇨🇺🇯🇵 im american. i do art but im probably not gonna post it. Its in my pfp and banner tho (: i have dyscalculia (cant do math good💔💔💔💔💔) and im autistic

ALSO.. I am very interested in psychology especially neuropsychology, i also like social sciences and im learning abt politics and philosophy (this is not an invitation to try and debate me on politics). i do writing (playwriting, novel writing and character writing), and im still deciding if i wanna post some of that here..

if im incredibly bored or want to put my work somewhere but dont know where, and dont wanna put it on insta or anything i’ll post my stuff here (:

i think thats it bye