#it's not the first time this has happened i'm very visibly trans and also very small

[entangledwitch]

ugh some stupid teenager yelled something homo/transphobic and sexually threatening at me on my walk home last night and now i'm practicing with my knife again

[anghraine]

Disney-era Lucasfilm has given me essentially one film I adored (Rogue One, which also has my favorite SW ship and two of my favorite SW characters in Cassian and Jyn). It's also produced two more films that I very much liked (though only one of those still remains high in my estimation tbh), and a bunch of SW material that is not really the SW that plays in my mind, but at least fun and interesting to think about with the very glaring exception of TROS. I never had any investment in Legends, either, so for me the Disney era is not some huge loss.

I say all of this to emphasize that I'm not a kneejerk Disney SW hater. Nevertheless, I'm actually very disappointed with DLF's tendency to emphasize how ground-breaking and diverse and ~challenging some new SW media thing is without doing much to support the people involved or appearing to foresee that a fanbase prone to bigotry, nostalgia, and throwing screaming temper tantrums for decades on end is not going to react well. This is in no way an excuse for those fans, but DLF does not seem to ever predict how SW fans will respond despite their well-documented history of responding really badly to anything that remotely challenges them.

I love SW and I love my personal friends in SW fandom, but there have always been a significant number of vocally hateful and reactionary SW fans who manage to shape the discourse around basically everything in it. This is completely predictable. The fact that DLF seems completely unprepared for this reaction every time they give central roles behind and in front of the camera to women and/or POC, and also appears to do very little to support the actual RL marginalized people they hire when not just cravenly giving in to the worst elements of the SW fanbase (*cough*TROS*cough*) is incredibly frustrating.

Yeah, this is about DLF's poor handling of eminently predictable fan tantrums over The Acolyte which has just culminated in cancelling it after a bare eight episodes, but it's happened so many times at this point. The Acolyte was far from perfect but after how visibly unprepared DLF were for the raging bigotry directed at Kelly Marie Tran, John Boyega, and Daisy Ridley, or how weird people were about Solo, or the misogynoir surrounding the response to Reva in Obi-Wan Kenobi, or or or—they absolutely could and should have known that something like The Acolyte was going to need a lot of higher-level support to have any chance of success. At the very least there's no excuse for being surprised at this point.

And it feels a bit like it, and the actual people involved in it, were never really given a fair shot and the real higher investment is going to be in, like, Baby Yoda 4: Now With More Ewoks.

My friends and I just finished our first run of Jedi: Survivor, which we really, really liked, but there is definitely a tragic white boy protagonist propped up by POC and/or women (many now dead!) aspect to the whole thing that feels essential to its popularity. And it is frustrating and disappointing and all the more so because it's so eminently foreseeable at this point.

[ingravinoveritas]

hey, if you watched comic relief, did you think david looked unbearably tired? he sounded near tears at times and idt it was just bcs of the charity videos

Hi there! I'm not in the UK, so I wasn't able to see Comic Relief while it aired, or any clips until now.

I didn't notice the tiredness at first, but it definitely seemed to become more visible later in the show, as did the sounding near tears. This moment (which I got from a fan on Twitter who compiled all of David's bits) in particular really got me, as it's so apparent here...

As to what could've been causing this, I think there are several things that could have been happening, possibly even all at once. Up until I got into Good Omens/David/Michael, I wasn't at all familiar with Comic Relief, but having watched the show for a few years now, there are some really striking things I've noticed about how it's structured and what it involves.

On the one hand, you have lots of famous actors and comedians and musicians putting on a show and telling jokes...and then on the other, you have emotional videos of people in dire situations, both in the UK and abroad. And because Comic Relief is live, it's much harder to build in transitions between these two things, so you end up dramatically shifting from lighthearted to serious and back, and it leaves you with a bit of whiplash as a result.

So if those abrupt tonal shifts are difficult for us an audience, they must be even more challenging for the host(s), including David. I think the live aspect of the show makes it very similar to theater and how David might have reacted in differing moments during Macbeth, because we're seeing emotional reactions in real time, without the benefit of editing. Tonight was also the last occasion of Comic Relief that Lenny Henry was hosting after nearly 40 years at the helm, so I feel like that probably made David emotional as well, given how much he has worked with and admires him.

As for the tiredness, it seems there were at least a few interviews that David did prior to the broadcast, so he was probably running around all day trying to get everything done. Then you add to that the chaos of multiple hosts on stage and everyone trying to find their marks (which seems to have been something David was stressing out about a bit in one of the interviews today), plus the charity videos, and it's no wonder that he looked so drained.

(Another thing I also wonder is if David's demeanor had anything to do with sharing the stage with Davina McCall, who was allegedly outed as a TERF last year. Given the attacks from the anti-trans loons that David and Georgia have endured over the last several months, I can imagine that he might not be comfortable co-hosting with someone who espouses such views. And for the record, there was something about Davina that inexplicably annoyed/seemed off to me long before any of the TERF stuff came to light. It seems like my instincts have been confirmed in that regard...)

So yes, those are pretty much all of the things that came to mind regarding David's demeanor at Comic Relief. He's probably been running himself ragged lately with new projects since Macbeth ended (the Genius Game hosting gig, for one, and an appearance on the SmartTV game show, plus multiple upcoming Comic Con appearances), so hopefully he can find some time to relax and breathe in between all of this, because he more than deserves a break.

I hope this helps to answer your question. Thanks for writing in! x

[soupy-cosmos]

[ID: A two page comic of Louie Duck from DuckTales 2017, it is primarily black and white, using screen tones, but particular panels are in color. The comic is an AU in which Louie is FTM trans and transitions sometime after the events of season two. For simplicity's sake Louie will have he/him pronouns throughout the ID. The first panel shows Louie pre-transition, maintaining most of his usual design but having much longer hair, he's holding a strand of it between two fingers and frowning at it with a raised eyebrow. A thought bubble beside him says "Ok. Maybe I need a haircut." The second panel shows a side view of Louie grabbing his hair in one hand and holding up a pair of scissors in the other. His hair obscures his face. "Snip snip" is written under the panel in capital letters. The third panel has Louie facing forward, frowning up at his yet-to-be-seen reflection. His hair is a bit over shoulder length and messy. The next panel shows the mirror Louie is looking at, but instead of Louie being seen in the mirror, instead Della is visible looking back at him. She is wearing her usual outfit and sports the hair length she has throughout the majority of the show, a similar length to Louie's. The panel is colored in with the mirror having a brown frame and a soft blue tint to the reflection, a squiggly shine spans across the mirror. The fifth panel is a close up of Louie's hair and the scissors as he cuts it shorter. The word "Snip" is written in all caps across the bottom, several 'I's in the middle to draw the word out. The sixth panel has Louie again looking into the colored mirror, while both Louie and the mirror are visible in this panel only the mirror is colored while Louie remains grayscale. Louie's back is to the viewer but Della's reflection is visible, looking frustrated, her hair is the length seen in her design prior to her disappearance, she otherwise remains unchanged. The second page starts with a close-up side view of Louie, only his frown visible as he tugs on his hair. A pair of open scissors form the next panel, surrounded on either side by the capitalized "Snip"s. In the next panel Louie's back is to the viewer again, but his mouth is visible to see him cringe. He reaches a hand up to the back of his head. "Aww man!" is written beside him. The fifth panel show's Louie's hand dropping the scissors. Beside it is written "Now I look like a-" The line abruptly stopping. Louie's wide shining eyes are shown in the next panel. The final panel shows Louie looking in the mirror one final time. This time he sees his own reflection, the mirror a light green tint and sparkling. He still has his hand behind his head and looks surprised. His hair cut, the reflection now shows his canon design. The top of Louie's head is visible in front of the mirror. Below it the earlier line is finished with "Boy..." Underlined and written in capital letters. End ID.]

Trans boy Louie that took a little longer to figure out the gender thing and also happens to look a whole lot like his mom

Also I'm very sorry about the image quality I made this canvas way too big and had to seriously downsize

Edit for those that may see this later on: @the-writer-nerd-ro wrote an amazing little sequel to this comic!!! you can read it on tumblr here or on ao3 here!

[kithj]

Hey sorry for more talking, but since the conversation was happening about gender stuff, reminded me about my own and thought, "hm Kit would probably appreciate hearing this". So, wanted to say that you've helped me further figure out my own gender shit, like categorically have helped me a lot there. When Blood Choke first dropped I was still IDing as soft butch (and not as a gender), but that plus more specifically Lea have helped me figure out I'm genuinely butch (gender). Lea, you locking them in a way, was a huge huge help for me, particularly the partial transition (? dunno better wording) she/her Lea has. Had been stressing a ton at the time about my hormone levels, T specifically, and even crying because I know I couldn't do injections which would help keep it low without an antiandrogen, but seeing the idea of what Lea did, yeah if I didn't make my own T I would absolutely do that it sounds great. So, like has helped me further refine my identity, get more comfortable with my hormone levels and body (at least in some ways; now I have the unfortunate opposite worries about not being masc enough 🙃), and has just been a big help and made me understand myself and my butchness a lot better. Sorry if this is unwanted and TMI and so on, but wanted to say in hopes that it would make you happy to hear, that you've helped, with your characters and lesbian gender posts on the Blood Choke blog, a butch work through its imposter syndrome and shit :)

this is lovely to hear 🥺💕reasons like this are exactly why i chose to keep Lea written that way (there are a lot of butches out there that do exactly what she did, and there are others that continuously take T just because they want to and like it) and also why i eventually gravitated towards a project like Blood Choke.

it took me a long time to kind of "settle" in my butch identity as well, and it wasn't until i started reading older lesbian literature, where butchness is actually openly discussed and celebrated, that i really had that moment of realization. i wish i could read more, especially about transfem butches, but a lot of that stuff is just not easy to access, being out of print, never been digitized, etc etc.

the most well-known piece is probably Xanthra Philippa's "Don't call me mister, 'Cause I'm a TS Butch" from gendertrash from hell, in 1995.

i do think for a lot of people there's that initial hurdle of thinking butch = aesthetic, rather than an actual identity, which leads people to thinking they can't be butch, that they're not "allowed" because they don't look a certain way (aka skinny and white and perfectly androgynous at all times). and with trans women and transfems specifically, there's also this expectation for you to be highly feminine and to conform to cishetero ideals when you transition, and that pressure confines you into a very small box that, imo, takes a lot of courage to finally step out of.

i hope that in the future there will be more of us writing and being loud and visible for other people to see and realize they can be butch too :-)

[marginalizedrants]

I wanna be excited for Dragon Age: The Veilguard but the character creator has me worried

The following rant will cover my concerns and problems with the following topics: top surgery scars, trans representation and body dysphoria. If you don't want to read this, you don't have to. I just needed to get this off my chest as this bothers me a lot. Also I'll try to structure the post because this is gonna be long!

First off: I'm not a dyehard DA fan of the first hour. I found the francise around the release of DAI and played it then, watched my then boyfriend play DA2 and heard a bit about DAO. I don't have a strong emotional connection to the franchise and I thus don't care how it may have changed to earlier entries but I understand the fans who do. I'd probably feel the same with other franchises I have loved for generations.

I'm a pretty casual gamer. I don't really care about combat mechanics and stuff either. I'm usually there to go on walks in pretty environments as a pretty character, to immerse myself in an interesting storyline and to abuse games as dating sims wherever they let me. I did like the first looks at the game that came out! I do like the art style that many criticize. The game looks good on an objective technical level and the art style appeals to me on a subjective one. I also do like the look of the new companions a lot and I'm so excited to meet Emmrich and Lucanis!

Then where's the problem? Well... I've taken a look at the character creator footage that has been revealed to get a feel for what my Rook could be and as I did, I felt like someone punched me in the gut. They made a separately standing specifically named toggleable option for "top surgery scars".

And I can already hear both sides. One saying "That damn queer propaganda is ruining my game!" and the other saying "Trans people need more visibility and acceptance!" while I, as a trans person who this was theoretically made for, who should theoretically be happy about this, feel seen and accepted, just stand here and feel ... utterly uncomfortable. And this isn't the first time this happened. It's not only Veilguard. Top surgery scars have become a very touchy subject for me. A trigger even, that makes anxiety and dysphoria bubble up in my chest. They have become a symbol instead of just being a trace of medical history. In recent years, I've seen top surgery scars pop up in artworks of artists I like more and more. They might have good intentions, I can not know that, but all I see, all I feel, is that they are used like an aesthetic, a trend, a style thats popular right now. But it's more than just a fashion choice, it's inherently backloaded with political statements and positions, no matter if the artist wants this or not.

Top surgery scars have become a symbol of a movement that is very lound and polarizing right now, one that puts identity and gender expression above all else. I will probably write about my opinions on this topic in detail in another post or this would become to long. What I want to say is, that those scars are a symbol of a movement and wearing them, I would involuntarily mark myself as part of that movement, no matter if I agree with their points or not. I will be recognized by both sides, the ones that are for and those that are against it and both would associate me wrongly. Thats why top surgery is a very touchy subject for me at this time. Right now I haven't had any, even though I talked to a surgeon more than a year ago. I just feel paralyzed. I'm standing in front of a huge choice. Three in fact. Do I choose the method where I end up with a nicely shaped masculine chest but potentially huge very visible scars that are immediately recognizable as female to male mastektomy scars? Or do I choose the method where the cuts are held minimal and around the areola and risk loose skin and nipples that are positioned lower than normal? Or do I choose to not do any surgery at all, avoid all potential risks that come with any kind of medical intervention but have to live with wearing binders, choosing clothing after how visible they might be at the collar as well as never going to public pools or saunas and staying dressed at the beach.

I know I'm highly emotional torwards this topic right now and this is a me-problem. This is my trigger and it's my responsibility to deal with it and either avoid or learn to live with. I don't expect anyone to do anything for me here, I just want to put my voice and my feelings out here for people who might feel the same and like me, only rarely feel represented or hear similar opinions. And I want to put it out here for people who are not themselves trans but want to support. Not all trans people think and feel the same and some might be uncomfortable with all this visibility and inclusivity.

I don't want to be visible as a trans guy. Thats why this blog is anonymous. I usually don't share that I'm trans because I don't want to be trans! I just want to be a guy!

Okay so... after this very personal rant, let me get back to DAV because I still have a bone to pick with them!

The way they put the top surgery scar option in just feels so ingenuine and shallow, as if it's just a marketing stunt for them, using a highly discussed polarizing topic.

Why put them in their own toggleable option instead of putting them with all the other types of scars? Are they superior to scars gained in battle or in a horrible accident you gladly survived? Are trans people more important than survivors of horrofic injury? Why name them? Why put such a modern concept in a historic-style fantasy game? How would that even be conducted? Do you even know how complicated and risky such a surgery is and which complex medical equipment is needed? This option not only hurts the worldbuilding of DA due to its implications, it also looks so very strange, pulled into the forefront of the character creation while all other scars stay behind.

All I feel when seeing this is trying to jump onto a band wagon of a popular topic. This has nothing to do with wanting to make trans people feel better, feel more seen, make society more accepting of them. If they wanted to do that, they would treat those scars like all other scars like trans people should be treated like all other people and not as some ultra special precious thing to be paraded around. If they wanted to do that, they would not only add the most popular afflictions over and over again like top surgery scars or vitiligo but other way more common things like cleft lip scars or port-wine stains who I see in real life on a daily basis but have never seen represented in a game ever. Nor are they ever discussed!

Of course I can't know what intentions are truly behind DAVs decisions but to me at least it feels like they either only care about polarizing topics to push their game or they tried to be inclusive but only looked very shallowly into the topic.

Those companies are not my friend. Those companies don't speak for me.

If you read this far, thanks a lot, no matter if you agree or disagree. Feel free to share your thoughts as well!

[unbidden-yidden-deactivated20240]

how are the Hanukkah preps going for u ?? do u feel safe enough to share what it’s like in the diaspora ?? (im super curious to see what it’s like outside of israel !!)

Hi there! An early chag sameach! 😊

So I can only really speak for my area, but so far so good on the "being visibly Jewish in my area" thing. My situation is weird, in that I live in a rather blue (liberal) big city that happens to be in a deep red (very conservative) state. As a queer/trans person and reproductive rights advocate, it's been rough and feels like a powder keg waiting to explode. My queer/trans spouse and I may need to flee the state if things get worse for somewhere more liberal overall (and hopefully not violently antisemitic) but we'll see what happens.

As a person who dresses visibly Jewish though, it's been reasonably fine so far? I haven't wandered onto the liberal campus area since 7/10 and I imagine that would be a lot different of an experience. We have all gathered as a community several times since 7/10 in order to express our grief and prayers and advocate for the US to help Israel recover the hostages. On 10/10, I gathered with the local frum community to daven tehillim and so far that has been my favorite gathering/the one I felt most comfortable at. It was very focused on our grief for our brothers and sisters and siblings in Israel who were killed and captured, and davening for a swift and just resolution. I also attended a much larger community-wide event some days later that was a lot more nationalistic, but at least it was still focused on the human concern. There was another community event I went to at the shloshim mark, and it was a lot more organized (for obvious reasons) but vibed a lot more like it was geared towards the kind of liberal Jew that actively wants the American flag and the Israeli flag on the bimah (idk if that makes sense to you, but it's a very specific Vibe™️ of Jew here.) I could not go to the march in D.C. but people in my community were strongly encouraged to go if they were able.

There have been several talking groups, Peace-oriented Shabbatot, and pro-Palestinian protests happening as well. The first two seem to be going well, but I have no idea about the last one, as the rhetoric from that leadership has become very antisemitic so I have not engaged them at all. I have been able to avoid them in public. Most recently, there was a pro-Israel protest that was supposed to be focused on the captives, but enough people couldn't stay on message that I considered leaving and am still a little conflicted about if I should have. That was the first time I've seen counter-protesting, and it was just one guy yelling a lot of offensive and antisemitic things. There's another rally coming up that I suspect will result in some kind of confrontation or violence because it's right near campus and it's organized by the same people who couldn't stay on message. It's also in an area where there are a lot of cops and has historically been used to kettle protesters. I am more worried about the counter-protesters to be honest, but I also think that if it turns violent it would likely be started by them. I really hope I'm wrong and everything remains peaceful in its protest.

I have yet to find a local group that is analogous to Standing Together, which is unfortunate, because that's effectively my position. I am hopeful I will find the other people that are deeply invested in the safety and freedom of the people of Gaza as well as Israelis.

So in light of that backdrop, it's shocking normal. Chanukah is going forward as usual - if anything with even more vigor than normal. Large, public, annual events are still happening and so far seem well-attended and there has not been harassment. We will see if that continues. I am planning on eating latkes with many a creative topping and proudly displaying my menorah in the window. I plan on going to some of the large public events (Chabad does several of them, but so does the broader community) dressed as I normally do and I refuse to be intimidated. So far I have thankfully not been given a reason to be.

B'ezrat Hashem that continues, and that we all see a just and peaceful resolution to the war soon.

[valentijnsstuff]

I don't even post on tumblr that actively anymore, but I think it's good to keep up my week report, even if it's just for myself.

Monday some gay shit happens (see last week report)

Tuesday some more gay shit happens. I clean my house, see my dad and go to a queer meetup about polyamory. All the poly besties are there. I proceed to be a menace and annoy all of them for attention seperatly (they all think I am cute). During the actual talk group, I provide some queer youngsters with cuddles. I offer the person who is practically my neighbor and who keeps cuddling me really intimately a ride home and they invite me in for more cuddles. They cuddle me in ways that make even me flustered. I go home with increased feelings of falling for this person.

Wednesday morning I do nothing 👍 in the afternoon my volunteer comes over for the first time. He's a funny, but concerningly normie gay guy. I feel like I'm babysitting him more than he is me (Boooooo). Neighbor cutie text me if I can hang out again and I have to say no (sad). Thank god my homecare besties ask if I want to go for an impulsive evening walk on the beach, so I ditch volunteer. We walk untill we are super hungry and order roti rolls for dinner.

Thursday. I go to teach comic workshop at a highschool. Couldn't sleep out of nervousness bc its the first time in a year doing the one thing that traumatized me to begin with (teaching teenagers while visibly trans). All in all it actually goes pretty okay, one of my comic friends is there and good work is done. I make a bombass dinner and text neighbor cutie if they want some food and they actually say yes. We circle the subject of our flirts a couple of times, and tease eachother a whole lot in the process. Meaningful conversations about kink and friendships also happen. Eventually I have the gut to say that their teasing make me want to kiss them on the mouth, their reply is that I should ask for a kiss then (the teasing is neverending with this guy) We do end up kissing, its very sweet. I get a bit insecure and fidgety about asking too much, but they reassure me all is good.

Friday, day two of teaching workshops at the highschool. The older students have noticed me and are starting to make comments within earshot, which puts me on edge. Two seperate times I turn around and tell the guys (it's always dudes) that they should just say it to my face. Both times are met with them defensively reacting to my confrontation, but not owning up to their shit (maybe for the better). Teaching classes actually goes well, eventho I am tired as hell. The kids are behaved enough and make great work. I even get to talk to one class that I would prefer to be called 'mister' and the kids really try their bestest. I accidently skip therapy bc I am double booked with work and forgot to cancel the session (or just didn't want to idk). My hookup date for the evening cancels, but I'm not even mad. Probably for the better to have a night of nothing. Post funny pictures of myself in a maid dress on insta, all the homies go wild.

Wake up saturday morning with the idea I can take it easy. Eat breakfast, do make up, make a foxy little video of dancing to my favorite song. Oops now its actually already time to go. Bring lunch to my comic bestie, who has a booth at a small local furry con. I get to spend the day in my maid outfit and feel cute and help out my bestie (yay). I drink bubble tea with way too much sugar and feel really wired from all the sounds and sights. I run into my younger cousin who I dont speak to often (he is a gay furry lol). Also so many transmascs, its a good time. I text my poly bestie to see if she is into a spontaneous cuddle session, she declines politely. I go to a birthday party of friends I haven't seen in a long time. I proceed to bother everyone there for attention.

Sunday, I dont even feel that bad emotionally, but I had insomnia the night before, so my body refuses and I just spend the whole day in bed. I watch anime, cook way too much mapo tofu, but can't be arsed to do anything else.

Monday starts really slow, but I manage to 10 pushups (new record!). I go the the office to work, but my head is heavy and I cant focus at all. I want to blame the airflow in the building, but I'm also just running low on energy bc I didn't eat enough. End up calling some people to say hi and check in on instead. Do some shopping, do some tufting. My friend who I was supposed to hang with in the evening cancels. Go home and eat more mapo tofu. I make the mistake of opening Grindr and get chatted up by some supringly nice people. One them is a bottom who really wants me to top him (haha funny), and the other a clingy autistic transfemme who is lonely and just wants to hang out. I have an impromptu hangout session with her at 11 in the evening. We drink tea and watch dungeon Meshi. Feel very wired afterwards and dont fall asleep untill 4.

[the-ace-with-spades]

Some like a monkey pilot lore/behind-the-scenes no one asked for because there's a lot and I love this fic with my whole heart...

It's first title was a supersonic man (Don't Stop Me Now by Queen obviously) but I've used this song as Ice's ringtone for Mav in slow down (in a future chapter 6) and it just seemed to suit Mav better

Second title option was (I am) the man in the making, from Number One by Chaz Jankel - Number one is a hard time in the making / Number two is the one plane I'm not taking and I am (I am) / The man in the making / I'll stake (I'll stake) / My claim (my claim) / I'll make (I'll make) / My name (my name) / My love (my love) / My game, my vocation. In the end, I thought it might sound too literal and cliche.

The story was originally supposed to be about Rooster transitioning but without the running away from Jake bit - so sort of like a small AU of this fic - where Jake would still be very dense about stuff and a lot of the breakdowns and emotions would still be in place, but Rooster stayed in Lemoore with Jake and they got married while he was in transition. Jake still had a hard time adjusting even if he personally thought he was adjusting very well - at some point when Jake was on deployment, Bradley's state got bad enough that he still landed in the hospital and Mav and Ice were called and he moved in with them. It's part of life for many trans people (family and loved ones thinking they're supportive while not really and getting better at it only when drastic stuff happen) and it is something that hit me a bit too hard and emotionally, it'd be difficult to write so the story was changed.

First Jake POV deleted scene from earlier chapters (1 or 2?) was him and Coyote talking about the topgun winner with some squad buddies and Jake hearing 'Bradshaw' and going a bit crazy only to get all depressed when he hears it was a dude (in 2016, about a year before the recall), missing finding out about Bradley by a minimal chance

Another deleted scene that was never finished because I emotionally couldn't write it was the bar scene but in Jake's POV, when he meets Bradley for the first time. He and Coyote actually leave the Hard Deck when Bradley starts playing the piano and have a talk about how Jake feels about all this new info. While I get finding out your loved one is trans can be a lot, I personally never would have cared even a bit so it was just emotionally draining to try to express Jake's thought process

There is also a deleted scene of Ice talking to Slider and Sarah (who are married in this fic) about Bradley's hospitalization and the start of his transition (from Ice's POV) -- it concentrates on how bad Bradley's mental health is at that moment and how visible it is to them, as well as the guilt Mav and Ice have for not intervening early. And a scene when they get the call from the hospital (from Mav's POV). Both are not finished and stuck as mostly dialogue.

So far there are also two more deleted scenes: Mav and Ice being at Bradley's first T-shot appointment while he's being taught how to do the injections and a scene where Bradley is at Ice's doc appointment when he finds out about cancer

Chapters 9-15 are post-canon and a bit Jake's POV heavier. He's going to be such a dumbass in them.

This fic might or might not have a sequel about reintroducing Bradley back into the Seresin family. Some readers hopefully realized that Jake's mom wasn't Bradley's fan when he was still female-presenting and certainly isn't after he transitioned. There's a whole lot of drama in that sequel involved, especially about her -- Jake's the youngest sibling (a miracle baby born a few years after his last sister) and has always been babied a bit by his mom and never experienced how bad she could be the same way his sibling had and he'll have to face it along with her awful behavior toward Bradley.

[uncanny-tranny]

Congrats on the 2 years in hormones my dude! Fuck yeah!

Question: What has your personal timeline for changes in T been like?

I'm 2 months away from starting it myself, so I like hearing what/when other people experienced changes. (I know it's different for every person)

It's times like these where I wish I'd have been much more attentive and documented changes much closer. For anybody about to go on hormones: take pictures, write about all the changes you notice and when. It's actually something I regret not having done, even if it would have been really hard.

I'm going to break down the changes into sections in the order of when I noticed them start, since I personally think that's easier! I'll try to remember all the changes I can, but I might miss some.

MENTAL HEALTH:

Within the first month or so, I was already starting to feel shifts in my mental health. It would be a while before those changes settled, but it felt like I went from being exposed to a construction zone for twenty hours a day to being in a silent room.

As the months went on, I've started being able to actually feel normal, and while I still have other mental health issues beside dysphoria, I'm not clouded by the dysphoria. I'm able to feel a much fuller range of emotions - before, I pretty much exclusively felt sad, bitter, depressed, numb, morose, and like I was always in danger. Now, I'm able to feel happiness, contentment, even sadness and anger. The difference is that now, I'm not trapped in the sadness and anger. I'm so much less a danger to myself. The stereotype that testosterone turns you into a rage monster is false in most cases, and it severely underestimates and misrepresents how feelings are changed on testosterone.

SEXUALITY:

I noticed around a few months in that my body was developing much differently, and of course, that bottom growth was starting. I was nervous that it would be as painful as some others have described, but I have never once felt pain because of this. The closest I would say is that it was uncomfortable when I noticed it, such as if fabric brushed against my body too closely. It's also a stereotype that bottom growth is "gross," and this is also uncharitable to say about other peoples' bodies. It's simply the changes that some people experience as they transition, and for me, it affirms my maleness.

I also started to finally realize and accept I'm aroace because I'm on testosterone. A lot of my denial came from this idea that my dysphoria and transness were things I must atone for and that I was worthless as a person because my manhood was through a trans lense. Now, I don't give a fuck, and I am a bit bitter that I even thought that my transness was a sin I must atone for with things I didn't need or want.

VOICE:

A lot of my vocal changes happened pretty suddenly. Within the first month, I think I started noticing vocal cracks. It was painful sometimes, and honestly, it could be embarrassing when I was around other people or when I was at work. That dissipated once my voice settled, and I'm confident that I will unlikely see more drops in my voice.

This is what my pitch has done throughout my documenting of it:

On a somewhat related note, everybody has what is called the "Adam's apple." It is a feature of the human neck, and while some people have prominent ones, others don't - regardless of sex, regardless of gender. As my vocal chords had thickened, my larynx became more prominent, and my Adam's apple was also more visible than it was before. It feels very weird if I accidentally whack it with my hand (something that's happened far too many times).

Vasculature:

My veins started being more prominent than before - especially in the hands. My arms are only slightly noticeable with regards to veins. Of course, I notice it most strongly when my blood is flowing, like at work, or at the gym. My veins are something technicians have complimented me about when I am doing lab work, though, and whether that is directly because of testosterone is something I'm not sure of. Regardless, changes in my veins have been very much a blessing for me.

Musculature:

I found that around the year mark, I was gaining much more muscle than before. I noticed it mostly in my arms due to the fact that I do a lot of lifting at my job. It's a lot easier for me to gain muscle, but I do still have to train them. Since I have been going to the gym much more frequently, I've been noticing that my calves and thighs have been gaining a lot in terms of muscle. It's kind of weird to feel how hard my muscles have gotten at times.

BODY/FACIAL HAIR:

I've always had a bit of body hair, so it only became more prominent on testosterone. I've noticed that I've just recently been growing more stomach and chest hair, though.

With regards to my facial hair, it is mostly collected in the middle of my chin, and I find I have to shave it either weekly or biweekly because I personally don't want it there. My mustache is still very fine in colour in many places, though there are dark spots of hair forming.

Body Fat Redistribution:

I've noticed that my body fat has only recently moved a bit. It's gathered toward my stomach and only slightly moved away from my hips, so now, my hip bones and structure are more visible. However, I don't think I will see my body shape change drastically as I am already built like the other men in my family. We all have thicker thighs and hips and broad shoulders, and these are quite literally all things I had pre-medical transition.

Throughout my transition, my testosterone levels have been steady after the first six months. It sits at roughly 600NG/dL nowadays, though I am well overdue for labs again. I am well within the healthy range for a male my age and weight, and I have never felt more at peace with this.

Your journey will be uniquely and unequivocally yours, and it is painted with the colours of not only you but your familial history. That's a beautiful thing, and I hope you are blessed with all the changes you could ever want.

[caffeineandsociety]

Trans men are in an interesting place with the dynamics of sexism, and I hate how much infighting it causes for trying to create a singular hard and fast rule about whether Society sees becoming a man as an "upgrade" more than it sees being trans as a "downgrade" because there IS no singular rule about it.

Gender conformity is a big part of it. If you're Just Some Guy(TM), if you style yourself very masc and pass well, then of course in most external aspects - with people you pass with - you're going to start getting treated, well, like a man, with...most of the benefits that typically entails. The external ones, at least. In fact, sometimes even if someone finds out you're trans, that first impression will be enough to keep them taking you more seriously, or at least, once they find out, they may treat you less seriously than a cis man but more seriously than a cis woman.

But if you're GNC? Like me? That...has NOT been my experience. Far from it, in fact. I often find people take me much less seriously than they did when I was presenting as a cis woman. They'll compliment my technicolor hair or my nails, but unless they're also visibly queer, they'll look to someone else for an opinion on what might be wrong with their computer, or car, or whatever else - even if they KNOW I've been in tech and mechanics all my life - and I often spend MORE time waiting to be seen in the ER or urgent care, not less.

Speaking of wait times in the ER, here's something interesting: I have more luck getting people to take my disabilities seriously if I have someone presumed to be a cis woman to advocate for me, than if I have someone presumed to be a cis man doing the same job, unless that man is my actual biological father. Why? Well, my working hypothesis is that people see me with a man roughly my own age and just write us both off as a couple of melodramatic attention-seeking faggots; when they see me with a woman they start going-

-to figure out what her deal is and why she'd be hanging out with me and settle on thinking of her as a Mama Bear-type? It's something I'd have to do much more study on to be sure about!

There's also how it intersects with race - I have ethnically ambiguous facial features that read as much less white on a man than on a woman, and my skin tone is very sun sensitive, going from ghostly pale in the winter (which often gets me read as half white-half East Asian) to fairly dark tan in the summer if I go out a lot (which often gets me read as Mexican). You know the whole dual stereotype of trans men as pathetic baby transtrender babygirls looking for attention vs. evil roid raging groomers? Yeah, for SOME reason, I get looked at as the former more often in the winter and the latter more often in the summer.

Body type also plays into this. It's undeniable that men have a much larger window of body types than women that we can have before we're considered ugly, but...my weight fluctuates such that I go between midsized and Certifiably Fat depending on a lot of disability-related factors, almost like the myths about how weight works for most people. I get treated better as a man while my weight is at its healthy lowest than I did as a woman, but at its highest? ...people don't like GNC men when they're not skinny white guys. I speak from experience. Before I transitioned, I was treated as a Fat Woman no matter what - bullied, condescended to, every health problem blamed on my weight, the whole works. After, my lowest healthy weight often won't be considered fat at all, but if shit happens and I put on my Sickness Weight, I'm not a Fat Man in the way a lot of sitcom leads are allowed to be, I'm not even a Fat Man in the sense of that one fedora guy we unfairly ascribed predatory behavior to, I am seen as a Fat Man in a horrible transmisogynistic caricature kind of way. And we wonder why GNC transmascs have such a high rate of eating disorders, or blame it on ~female conditioning~?

What I'm saying is, once again, intersectionality! It's a whole industrial size barrel of worms! And we need more formal studies of gender dynamics that take transness and presentation into account! And stop trying to make singular hard and fast rules about How Trans Men Are Seen!

[peaches2217]

TW: Dysphoria, TMI (ergo NSFW)

My bottom dysphoria's gotten better since starting T, yet somehow it's also gotten stronger? I'm now hyper-aware of everything below the equator, and that's great, because it means things are changing! By my GF's assessment, the first month has produced visible growth, or at the very least it looks more swollen. And my God, I feel it- I shift the slightest bit in my seat and my body's like "Oh! We're jerking off!" NO! WE'RE HELPING 60-YEAR-OLD ETHEL RESERVE A PAVILION FOR HER FAMILY REUNION! CALM YOUR TITS!

Even so, that growth is happening very slowly, and being so aware of it makes it that much harder to just... let it happen. In my subreddit for early T takers, I'll see posts like "I gained a whole inch in length in the first month and it just keeps on getting bigger! I didn't even care but that's still kinda cool~" meanwhile every time I use the bathroom or take a shower I'm yelling "GROW ALREADY DAMMIT! GIVE ME THE BODY I'VE ALWAYS WANTED!" as if that'll actually speed things along. 😅

My body feels so right and so much better... except for that. Every little evidence of growth is so exciting, but seeing how slow that aspect of my progress is compared to others in the same timeline, it's also frustrating. It makes me worry that I'll have a full beard and a solid baritone long before I have anything resembling a T-dick. (On that note, my first dark chin hairs are growing in!!) Maybe I'm ungrateful for feeling anxious about that thought. But given what a huge source of dysphoria it's been for me for so long, even long before realizing what dysphoria was...

Maybe I really am just a pervert. I feel like no genuine trans or enby person is this hung up on their own genitals. I know that's a lie, given there's a whole sect that gatekeeps the trans identity based solely on whether you have full-body dysphoria or not, but I still worry I'm wrong for wanting this — especially because I worry that this level of dysphoria aligns me with truscum, and truscum are fucking gross, and that makes me feel gross too.

[lucky-dyse]

The Nice And Valid Criticisms of Dyson Bradley (bitch)

General warning for Good Omens Season 2 spoilers

Please heed this warning before reading further, thank you.

I just binged the entirety of Good Omens 2 (which I will refer to as GO2 for simplicity from now on) and I had a few thoughts about it.

First of all I want to preface this by saying I loved it. I'm not writing a long hate speech bc I enjoyed every moment of it, there are just some thinky thoughts I need to throw into the void. For example, the writing was superb. Gabriel's "Jim" character was my absolute favourite. I'm a sucker for 'scarecrow' type characters and he was my silly little guy. I wanted to pinch his cheeks. I loved how Aziraphale and Crowley inadvertently adopted him for a solid minute.

The diversity of the show in its entirety was refreshing to see (as a personal complaint, though, I wish we could've seen at least one trans man). Especially the disabled angel. There were only two slight rough spots about the disabled representation that I felt.

1. I did not like how the disabled character kept being forgotten and meant so little to the season that if you removed them nothing would change.

2. I did not like that, despite all of the representation of queer people, people of colour, we only got one visibly disabled character. It felt sort of tokenized, like "hey look at me there's a wheelchair user! Okay onto more of the other minorities that we care more about."

I liked to see the reality that is the fact that queer people can have toxic relationships or be toxic in a relationship. It's not all sunshine and rainbows. Nina having a genuinely difficult relationship with Lindsay was good for the fact that it was very real and kicked all the lesbian fetishism a bit by saying "these are people in a relationship, not sex appeal." Which was fucking amazing. So tired of seeing lesbian relationships be perfect all the time. I also absolutely loved the fact that they didn't end up together and did the mature thing. They communicated and decided it wasn't a good idea to date right after Nina got dumped.

Gabriel was a joy to watch and I loved the mystery of what happened to him. Somehow, despite how sudden it was, the relationship formed between Beelzebub and Gabriel didn't feel sudden or forced. It was actually really sweet and I was happy they got to be together. I didn't like how Gabriel's memories came back in a fly, I wish Beelzebub had taken the time to slowly remind him of who he was and ultimately make him a more optimistic and better person from the transition of Jim's experiences to Gabriel's. Though I understand it was a subplot and limited to 6 episodes of already hectic storylines. You can only do so much, especially with the strikes.

Shax was a pretty flat character, which is fine. She made a good antagonist, I just wish there was more of a sense of danger like in the first season. It felt a lot calmer and more love focused, I'd love to see aro representation here too.

Which brings me to my final criticism.

Aziraphale.

Now I have no degree in literature, I am literally [REDACTED] years old and fresh outta highschool. This is mainly just my opinion. As the rest of it has been.

But it was my interpretation that the entirety of GO season one was to represent Aziraphale finally accepting the fact that he is not on the Angels' side nor the Demons' side, but on Crowley's side. I had thought it was quite clear that he and Crowley officially made their own little corner of nice living outside of the binary.

However, this seems completely erased in GO2. It's not clear until the last episode, but Aziraphale still wants to be on the Angels' side after everything. It's like GO1 never happened. It felt like a soft reset of his personality in its entirety. Same with Crowley and the whole "nice" thing. I had thought that he was accepting his niceness enough to tolerate being called it every once in a while.

But neither of them changed. In fact they got worse. They didn't communicate with eachother about their relationship (which, I understand), and then the show ended on a cliffhanger after Aziraphale seemingly completely reverts back to when he first met Crowley. Maybe I'm not understanding something, but it just didn't feel right. I'm not Neil Gaiman at all but it wasn't in Aziraphale's character in my opinion.

That all being said, if you haven't watched it and for some reason you read this anyway knowing there would be spoilers, please go watch it if you have access to it and if you enjoyed the first season. The characters are still so very well written and they feel like real people with real experiences which you don't see often in queer media. It's good representation of real people. I can't wait to see what happens next ♡

[futchgunk]

mx. feelings

long post. personal account of transmisogyny.

sitting and reflecting on a really hard (happy) cry and thinking about the threads that culminated this experience.

one of the birthday presents i got for myself was a made-to-order vinyl record of my favorite song "rabbits" from this diy egg punk band called Nurse Joy (xxnursejoyxx). This band was extremely influential for my coming out because i first saw them live when i was invited to a show by my best friend. (who is also goth and trans) These shows were so much fun!! Pre-eponymous nursejoy sets were so high energy and really lively. The mosh pits were energetic and not violent and it was so much fun!! like this was when i really truly felt like i could be. i had been starving for trans visibility in my personal life and i found a community that is so much more welcoming than entry level white collar jobs or craft brewing bartending. i dykegress

My bestfriend (🐝) asked me to see the nursejoy set, i loved their ep "Flop Era" so much I drew fan art of one of their songs. (a really big deal, at the time i was so insecure about my skills as an artist yet so eager to create something, so having an outlet that supersedes my anxiety however temporarily is so nice to have!!) For about a whole year, I was hanging out in the DIY scene just because this band had some fun songs to dance to in the name of trans (nurse) joy!!

This band ended living right next to the place that I had moved last spring. Imagine my surprise when my neighbors were my favorite band!!! I was literally making my tea in the summer and walking over to drink it on their porch. They supported me through when I got framed at work. I was feeling like I had a group of friends.

Last summer, the singer for nursejoy finally graduated college and we had a celebration and they said that they were really gonna push their show house "PF" as a diy label, and everyone that was at the let out after their celebration show was gonna be there. I was so excited for this celebration, I baked a cake for the lead singer. We all got grouped into mini 3 person projects and asked to come up with a show-and-tell by 8/8 (::::)). I like to think of myself as an amateur poet, I was super eager to even said i made something remotely musical, so I did. my group was the only group to present something (we did so by crashing a gig) and I was really happy with the work I produced: a sex-positive risk aware boundary setting rap song. A mouthful, but thats on brand ;;) .

Fast forward to October and the attention to the Palestinian Genocide. Long-Story short: I upset some pro-israel friend of the band who knew was friends with the drummer of nursejoy (also jewish) and the drummer reached out to me to mediate the tension between us. (I had already DM'd and messaged this person and was waiting on a response for weeks, 3 weeks before these messages, 5 after). As a black transwoman, if someone calls cries of prejudice, it needs to be addressed and immediately resolved. So it was just incredibly frustrating, disheartening, and ostracizing to have someone call me anti-Semitic and then have nothing happen. for like weeks. and like this really cut me up bc you should be able to do difficult things like talk to people about the things they said if they made you uncomfortable. You should be able to know that they will hear you and listen.

It felt so terrible to just suddenly be demonized and branded with prejudice and not being able to do nothing about it all. When i was hanging out with 🐝 i cried about how uncomfortable and lonely and helpless i felt with this whole situation. (Being vulnerable and crying has been a struggle with me my whole life, I'm really thankful that estrogen has me able to cry, and I'm glad i can talk to people about stuff that isn't so flowery all the thyme. Some big feelings I cried about was the frustration of not knowing what's going on, to seeing the same the very people who gave shelter and harbor to me avoid my gaze like normies do. I go to the transpunk shows because im so sick of these eyes, the stares, it is the same look on everyones face and they are looking at me like an enemy, AND TO SEE THAT LOOK ON MY FRIENDS FACES. It's so hard to forget that feeling.

I was seriously contemplating not showing up to anymore shows and gigs. I had to remind myself that I show up to shows to have fun, and there are other friends that show up to these shows make these gigs so much more fun. I can think of at least three girls that like to push hard off the top of my head. ::::)

Funny Enough, i had just bought the order of the vinyl in september, before all this shit went down. and i cried to 🐝 about how this album now has a warped and twisted meaning. Now all this attachment i had is feeling like a needle ceiling because I don't like this band anymore. 🐝 and I talk about the universe is clay to sculpt reality from with just our wills and I put a wish that I wish that my best friend could play bass on my record instead of the resident bassist because that would mean so much more to me. We had joked that Bee should be in nursejoy bc having a transgirl bassist is just so perfectly splendid. I wished this thought into the aether, knowing it was just a wish.

Allegations against the current bassist of the sexual assault variety, had nursejoy without a bassist around the same time that they needed to record these vinyls. They asked 🐝 to fill in for their shows and I was so cut up I only saw 1 out of the 2 performances. I was still really cut up that i only showed up to the new years eve gig. (btw i saw the person who started it all but they were 2 drunk to have a real convo).

Fast forward to my time loop. My first time seeing nursejoy with the new lineup. I got to hear my favorite nursejoy song live and experience the annoyance of cops shutting down the gig!! the gig shut down early and we had made our way to my place. I had asked for 🐝's help with listening to my record earlier, bc I was so paralyzed with fear that I couldn't listen to it by myself.

We did listen to it. I have a voice clip of my best friend giving me a shout out and a goth blessing, and proceeding to give me another goth blessing by playing this song that I get to hear whenever I want to. I got so overwhelmed by happiness that I couldn't think and cried happy sobs.

This has been an extremely emotional roller coaster of an experience, and if i wasn't able to talk to other transwomen i would have shrunken inward and become incredibly bitter.

Thank you Bee.

Thank you Snow.

Thank you River.

Thank you Fawn.

Thank you Lily.

Thank you Morrigan.

[pondererswandererswonders]

"So many of us don't want to be clocky & wouldn't be clocky if we'd just been able to go through the right puberty for the first time. That's why we're fighting for trans youth..."

Okay, first of all, what a load of bullshit, that.

Trans liberation is to fight for our rights, and trans liberation for trans youth is to help them not to be discriminated against for being trans, and to have access to care if they desire it or need it. Trans liberation isn't just about looking cis, okay? It's quite tiring how some people put passing as an end goal for trans liberation, or assumes we all universally feel the same way about passing and puberty.

Speaking of which -

As a trans individual who may be a legal adult, but still counts as a part of trans youth (at the time of this post), I quite like being visibly trans and I don't regret or hate the fact that I'm clockable, because it's not my fault that someone else decides to be transphobic to me because of that. I also don't feel like I went through the wrong puberty either. And you know what's surprising, my dear fellow trans people who assume not everyone wants to be clockable? Especially my fellow trans youth who believe that? There are, in fact, trans people who don't give a shit that they're visibly trans and may even like that.

From my own experience in transitioning, it's been only social (going by a different name, use these sets of pronouns please, changing how I dress and behave, etc) and I have zero plans to go further down the transition path by going on HRT, or with going through any surgical transitioning; and I don't feel dysphoric because of that. I don't feel body dysphoria to begin with. And I happen to, at the same time, like being visibly trans, as stated.

Yes, there are some of us who want to pass, but there are a lot who don't, can't even, despite potentially wishing they could; like how there are some who don't or can't pass, and have no desire to. Also some people tend to forget that money goes into transitioning? At least for us poor trans folk, that matters a shit ton.

But fine, okay. I'll try to give the benefit of the doubt. I guess I can try to see where some people are coming from with all this. Maybe some people will say, that I shouldn't be so "obvious" for my safety. I do live in a very transphobic State after all, and maybe I should be concerned with learning how to pass, or just closet myself. And while closeting myself has certainly protected me on occasions from specific people, where does it stop? At some point I'll feel as though I can't keep doing it any longer, and closeting myself doesn't always work because I can't pass as a convincing young woman to everyone, either. I don't pass a young guy from up close and not as my agab from afar. I can't pass. (minus the fact that I'm non-binary and there's nothing I can strive to pass as, in my experience) So I'm always going to be clocked.

And the thing is, sadly cis-passing trans people still get harassed, assaulted, and killed in these parts anyways. It doesn't matter if we look the most "agreeable" to a transphobe, if they want to harass us, hurt us, or kill us, they will.

This isn't to say, though, that cis-passing trans people, or trans people who desire heavily to pass, automatically feed into this belief that that's what all trans people want or "need" to do. It just sucks when I constantly hear people, both trans and cis, say that that should be my one desire. That it should be all of our desire. It kind of makes you feel like you're doing "being transgender" wrong, when you don't desire to pass.

But the thing is - for the people who tell other trans individuals to try to pass, or to try to desire to pass, for their safety - or for those who say, "If you can't pass, why be openly trans at all?" - I want to tell you something. We live in abominable times, we always have, but even though you should keep yourself safe, you should also let yourself fucking live. Allow yourself to live. Because, I won't lie and say that I'm not scared. Fuck, I have been scared everyday this year. But my trans journey has gotten as far as it has already, and I won't conform in a way that both sides want me to, when we're a community that doesn't conform from the moment we, as individuals, even question that we may not be cis.

So yes, cis artists or artists in general can draw visibly trans characters, it makes me happy.

to cis artists, yr allowed to draw trans characters to be clockable, in fact i encourage it. it's not politically incorrect or offensive to depict trans people as being obviously trans, especially if you're drawing cartoons. its not a stereotype a lot of us just look like that

[messengerhermes]

Hey, since it's trans visibility week here's a reminder: your body belongs to you.

As a trans person that's been out for twelve years, and who has been considering HRT seriously for the last two now, I've noticed a pattern that happens on terms of how people, even supportive people engage with me around my gender.

People get uncomfortable when I assert my right to change my body in ways they don't find appealing.

This happens particularly with family members and partners, but I've also had strangers on the street and coworkers occasionally make comments.

When I first stopped waxing and shaving, it was unease and disapproval of my body hair.

When I wore my hair very short it was complaints over how confusing it was, how pretty it was long. Now that the top part's long again, I get complaints that it's dyed, that I've shaved the sides.

Last year, when I told my partner at the time that I was starting to think about T, I got a lot of objections. They thought I was going to see if vocal training would do enough for me, did I really think I'd be able to grow facial hair, I was dreaming if I thought I'd build muscle, there were other things we could try about my bottom dysphoria.

They were relieved I don't want top surgery, because they would be sad if I got rid of my tits.

When I told a relative recently, she was largely supportive, but couldn't help sliding in "I hate facial hair."

Well I'm not building this body for you, Janet.

The underlying connection between all these comments is:

I don't want you to change your body in ways I find personally unappealing/unsexy/or somehow bad.

My body is not public property.

I'm not a billboard to sell you hamburgers, a projection screen for your porngraphic fantasies, or a vessel for the hopes and dreams you had for the future.

I'm a person. My flesh belongs to me. To shape as I so please.

I'm still waffling on a knife edge about testosterone, but I realize the fear that holds me back is this:

What if they're right and I get none of the changes I want but also become undesirable in ways that get me discarded?

It's a real fear. I cannot guarantee T will change my voice, grow me a gay little mustache, help me beef up, or solve my dysphoria when it comes to intimacy.

But what's my alternative?

I stay unchanged in a body that some days I don't recognize in the mirror, with a voice that sounds like I stole it from the lost and found until time inevitably changes this meatsuit in ways that also render me undesirable?

Some choice.

There's a lot to be discussed about gender essentialism and the ways white supremacist beauty standards can influence what we as trans people deem as "necessary" for our gender expression when it comes to medical transitions.

But if the discussion boils down to "if you seek medical transitions in any way you're giving into the binary and cissexism," then we're stripping bodily autonomy completely from the conversation.

And honestly, I resent the idea that I'm playing into the gender binary by wanting bodily changes that make me *more* ambiguous by our currently defined standards of gender, not less.

And I resent the ways those arguments only seem to come into play to push me *not* to pursue changes that could make me comfortable in my body, but "hey babe, gender is all a performance, go for it" never pops up when I express the desire to wear plunging chiffon gowns to expose a thick thatch of chest hair that's sprouted between my tits.

I have the right to shape this body of mine however I see fit, my body is not a rental, I don't need to preserve its resale value, I'm here for life.

Your body isn't a rental either, and you can't resell it. Make it up to be your dream home.