#it's not just a label to slap on anything you don't like because you interpret a relationship a certain way

[secretmellowblog]

Jean Valjean's Canon Toxic Unhealthiness around Romantic Love

( alternate titles: “Does Jean Valjean is Gay?”, or “Does Jean Valjean is Asexual?” Or: “Why is it so difficult to slap an identity/sexuality label onto Jean Valjean?” Or “LGBTPTSD+”)

I was looking at the responses to this poll about whether people interpret Jean Valjean as gay/asexual/straight or something else….and it got me thinking again about Jean Valjean’s canonical intense, complex, awful, toxic, and overwrought emotions around identity/ romantic love. I want to talk about that for a bit because I think it often gets overlooked in fandom!

I've noticed that Les Mis fandom/analysis often tends to interpret Jean Valjean as being far more content, more "at peace with himself," and more "comfortable in his own skin" than he ever is within the novel. This is also a common change in adaptations. The musical's version of Jean Valjean is great-- but he also seems a lot more self-actualized, more like he's gotten himself completely "figured out" by the end of the story. Other, bad, Les Mis adaptations — the adaptations that generally portray Jean Valjean a worse more violent person — also usually make Jean Valjean more confident in himself, more confident in his own feelings/desires, more certain that he’s entitled to certain things, and more willing to demand or take what he wants.

But one major aspect of book Jean Valjean's personality is that he does not have a healthy relationship with anything about himself. He has a tortured broken relationship with his own identity. He repeatedly thinks about “Jean Valjean” as a person outside of himself, a person who he finds frightening, repulsive, savage, and horrible— like a wild animal he needs to sedate, or beat into submission. He is obsessed with self-denial and self-repression. He is fixated on the idea that he is subhuman, that he is not allowed to want things or to pursue having any kinds of relationships with other people-- and that the most heroic thing he can do is "grab himself by the collar” and violently force himself to stay away from the things he wants. He is desperate to be loved and fixated on being unworthy of love and on denying himself love. He is absolutely not at peace with his identity: to paraphrase Jean Valjean in one of the later chapters, he believes he can only gain inner peace by “eviscerating his own entrails.”

He is never truly content with who he is, what he wants, or what kind of love he wants— and he never learns to be. The novel ends with him cutting himself off from his only family, breaking ties with the only person who loves him, and essentially slowly killing himself out of self-loathing.

There are other characters in Les Mis who seem very content with who they are and what they want. Enjolras is self-assured in his identity, and doesn’t appear to feel like there is any kind of love that is missing from his life. Whether you interpret him as gay or ace or trans or w/e, book!Enjolras is written as someone who is extremely self-assured and has a loving support system that is enough to keep him happy. But I don’t think that’s true for Jean Valjean at all XD.

And that’s why it's hard to apply labels like “aromantic” or “ace” or gay/straight/etc to Jean Valjean, when talking about his canon characterization. Those labels imply the person has a basic level of comfort with acknowledging their own desires/lack of desire/identity. And Jean Valjean never achieves that level of comfort. What “label” do you give to someone whose relationship with their identity is “I do not belong in a family, I have no right to want things, I have no right to be happy, I am outside of life, and I will never be at peace until I eviscerate my own entrails?” Is there a “self-disembowelment" pride flag? XD I've seen a lot of interpretations that go "Jean Valjean never expresses any interest in romance, he's perfectly content just to have his relationship with his daughter" but I honestly don't think that's true. Jean Valjean tries to content himself with having only Cosette. But part of why everything explodes so catastrophically in the end of the novel is because he needs more than just a paternal relationship. He doesn’t try to have a “normal” father-daughter relationship with Cosette, he tries to force his relationship with Cosette to be literally everything and everyone to him, for her to be his entire world: and it doesn’t work.

There’s a passage in the novel that talks about how all the love Valjean is capable of ends up being suppressed/sublimated into his relationship with Cosette. The love of a brother, of a friend, of a father, of a husband, the love of everything he is capable of, gets repressed so that he can throw every part of himself into being a father. There are Bad les mis adaptations that incorrectly misinterpret that passage to mean that Jean Valjean is incestuous/grooming Cosette. But in context, that’s not what the passage means at all.

The passage specifies very explicitly that Jean Valjean “did not love Cosette otherwise than as a father,” that “no marriage was possible between them,” that his feelings for her are absolutely paternal. But the passage does show how Jean Valjean is doing a very different unhealthy thing: he’s relying on Cosette to fill every single emotional void in his life.

He’s relying on parenthood to fill the grief/emptiness left behind by all the other kinds of love that he has wanted, but never been given.

To quote a bit of that passage:

Jean Valjean did not love Cosette otherwise than as a father (…) Let the reader recall the situation of heart which we have already indicated. No marriage was possible between them; not even that of souls; and yet, it is certain that their destinies were wedded. With the exception of Cosette, that is to say, with the exception of a childhood, Jean Valjean had never, in the whole of his long life, known anything of that which may be loved. The passions and loves which succeed each other had not produced in him those successive green growths, tender green or dark green, which can be seen in foliage which passes through the winter and in men who pass fifty. In short, and we have insisted on it more than once, all this interior fusion, all this whole, of which the sum total was a lofty virtue, ended in rendering Jean Valjean a father to Cosette. A strange father, forged from the grandfather, the son, the brother, and the husband, that existed in Jean Valjean; a father in whom there was included even a mother; a father who loved Cosette and adored her, and who held that child as his light, his home, his family, his country, his paradise.

Jean Valjean reminds me of a Failmode I’ve seen in a lot of different real-life parents? There are parents who cope with their own hard lives by telling themselves that parenthood is their sole reason for being alive, and who obsess over their child’s success as their only source of purpose, meaning, love, happiness, community, and validation. But it’s a bad idea to rely on one child to provide the emotional support that should be shared by friends, parents, siblings, every possible loved one, etc etc—- One child can’t actually heal you from your trauma, be a replacement for your broken relationships, pull you out of your grief, save you from your adult loneliness, etc etc etc etc.

When I see the common interpretation that Jean Valjean is perfectly content just to be the father of Cosette, I think of this line:

Thus when he saw that the end had absolutely come, that she was escaping from him, that she was slipping from his hands, that she was gliding from him, like a cloud, like water, when he had before his eyes this crushing proof: “another is the goal of her heart, another is the wish of her life; there is a dearest one, I am no longer anything but her father, I no longer exist”; when he could no longer doubt, when he said to himself: “She is going away from me!” the grief which he felt surpassed the bounds of possibility. To have done all that he had done for the purpose of ending like this! And the very idea of being nothing!

On one hand, the terrible Les mis adaptations that portray Valjean as Incest Creep are incorrect and wrong. On the other hand, though, Jean Valjean IS unhealthy about Cosette— just in a different and actually sympathetic way.

He has made fatherhood his only purpose, to replace every other purpose he could have in life. So he can’t be “just Cosette’s father.” He can’t imagine her becoming an adult and leaving the nest, like children do. What does he have if he’s not taking care of her? What is his purpose in life if she doesn’t need him to be her parent? He's not just being her father, he's relying on her to be his entire reason to exist. He hasn't been allowing himself to have things outside of her.

And speaking of things outside of Cosette: segue time. This post was supposed to be about Jean Valjean and romance, so let's switch gears and talk about his canon 'romantic experiences' more:

We’re told that in his youth he “never had a sweetheart” because he “never had time to be in love.” There is no indication that Jean Valjean never wanted to be in love. The opposite is implied. Hugo frames it as a tragedy that Jean Valjean’s does not experience young love; it’s the horror of poverty taking yet another thing from him.

Within prison, Valjean is “gloomy” and “chaste;” when he traumadumps to Montparnasse about it, he talks about women looking on galley slaves with horror and disgust. Romance, at least “normal” heterosexual romance, is no longer something that is permitted for him. Jean Valjean knows very little about romance/love/sex and it repeatedly messes up his life. He spends 19 years in the all-male environment of prison, then about a decade in the almost-all-female environment of the convent. He has very little experience with how men and women are supposed to interact. The oppression Fantine faces as a sex worker, and Cosette's relationship with Marius, are both two big 'blind spots' that he struggles with.

At one point romantic love is described as “The only misery Jean Valjean had not yet experienced, and the only one that is sweet.”

In his massive confession to Marius, he agonizes over how he is not allowed to be part of a family, and is incapable of being part of a home. He compares himself to someone sick and diseased, that poisons good and normal people with his presence, and cannot be allowed to make himself part of their families.

So Jean Valjean doesn’t frame Romance as “a thing he doesn’t want:” it’s a thing “he is not allowed to want,” it is one of the many things he is banned from wanting. It's impossible to tell what kind of things he would want, if he were allowed to want them.

One of the most interesting things to me, however, is his general attitude towards Marius/Cosette.

Obviously his first reaction to Marius snooping around is fear and resentment— he doesn’t know to interact with romance, having never experienced it, and immediately begins catastrophizing. He views Marius as a privileged booby ruining his life for something as frivolous as a love affair: it reads to me as partially envy, envy of the fact that Marius lives the kind of safe comfortable life that allows him to experience young love.

Jean Valjean added: “What does he want? A love affair! A love affair! And I? What! I have been first, the most wretched of men, and then the most unhappy, and I have traversed sixty years of life on my knees, I have suffered everything that man can suffer, I have grown old without having been young, I have lived without a family, without relatives, without friends, without life, without children, I have left my blood on every stone, on every bramble, on every mile-post, along every wall, I have been gentle, though others have been hard to me, and kind, although others have been malicious, I have become an honest man once more, in spite of everything, I have repented of the evil that I have done and have forgiven the evil that has been done to me, and at the moment when I receive my recompense, at the moment when it is all over, at the moment when I am just touching the goal, at the moment when I have what I desire, it is well, it is good, I have paid, I have earned it, all this is to take flight, all this will vanish, and I shall lose Cosette, and I shall lose my life, my joy, my soul, because it has pleased a great booby to come and lounge at the Luxembourg.”

But, even though Jean Valjean views romance as something he isn’t allowed or have or to want, views it as a threat and catastrophizes over how it will ruin his life……he seems to also put heterosexual romance on a pedestal.

The way Jean Valjean idealizes marriage is one of his weirdest character notes for me.

He views marriage as Cosette’s “happy ending.” It’s her “happily ever after” point where she won’t need him anymore, where she won’t need anyone outside of her husband. A Man And a Woman Are Meant to Get Married, It's Fate, and It Means They Will Live Happily Together Forever. Marius is “the goal of her heart, the wish of her life; her dearest one.” Nothing outside of that matters anymore.

He treats her marriage as if romantic love is inherently always more important than any kind of platonic relationships, and always takes priority over them. He later dismisses the unconventional family structure he has with Cosette, saying that despite his love for her he was only a "passerby" and was not actually her real father, because they were not biologically related.

There's a moment where Jean Valjean is described as someone whose ideal is to be angel on the inside and a bourgeois on the outside. Jean Valjean's worship of bourgeois social norms, norms he can never truly be a part of, is one of his character flaws. He has a similar "guard dog" energy as Eponine does when she defends Rue Plumet from her parents.....Eponine and Jean Valjean both become the guard dogs of a kind of romantic relationship they believe they are banned from having. Jean Valjean believes that getting Happily Straight Married in a Middle-Class Home with a Picket Fence(tm) is the ideal path for life....but believes himself broken/incapable of ever following that path. And so he instead throws his entire life into securing that future for Marius and Cosette.

In what manner was Jean Valjean to behave in relation to the happiness of Cosette and Marius? It was he who had willed that happiness, it was he who had brought it about; he had, himself, buried it in his entrails, and at that moment, when he reflected on it, he was able to enjoy the sort of satisfaction which an armorer would experience on recognizing his factory mark on a knife, on withdrawing it, all smoking, from his own breast. Cosette had Marius, Marius possessed Cosette. They had everything, even riches. And this was his doing.

TL: DR:

Jean Valjean's gender/sexuality label is “idk but he’s super fucked up about it.”

[emperor-kumquat]

Fandom, WTF

It's not just X; it could happen here too. My fucking god, a Transformers YouTuber almost did the unspeakable last night because of cyberbullying. Because people who claim they are being heroic are doing such terrible things. And they do it so damn fast.

(The YouTuber is more stable and safe at the moment)

You don't need to know the exact details, but the person made a post on X that was a little iffy. Not discriminatory to anyone, not an inappropriate picture or anything. The kind of thing that SHOULD have led to a discussion to change his opinion. And that's what the some other YouTubers and I did, we talked to him, and he regretted his words and changed his mind. Just like that. So fucking easy.

He wanted to write an apology and tell everyone he understood the issue now, but he was struggling to. His account was reported and suspended over and over. In the end, he did manage to write that apology on X and tell people he changed his opinion. That kind of thing can happen when we act patiently and try to guide people! But before then, other people were DMing him madly on Discord and X to say horrible shit, show gore, tell him to die. People were photoshopping a convicted criminal's face onto his profile pic. Friends severed ties without even talking to him. People doxxed him and someone left him a threatening phone call.

These people probably loved the excuse to do it. They would happily slap a label on someone then act dramatic about it. They pile on the hate because "that creator deserves it", they think.

How can you do any of the above and think you are a good person??

What on Earth happened to giving people the benefit of the doubt? Out of all the ways a statement could be interpreted, why do people choose the most negative instead of the most positive? When drama hits and your friend is involved, how can you leave without at least hearing the other side of the story? How can you forget that you may be harassing someone who has mental health or is neurodivergent?

It's like people love being mad. They want to put a bad label on someone, like some kind of "_ist", "_phobe", or a "p*do". They don't need much evidence before attacking. Here on Tumblr a while back, some people very eagerly wanted to harass me. They called me transphobic. The reality they didn't care to find out: I am trans, I make trans activist videos, I go on the front lines countering anti-trans protests in Canada while getting screamed at by conservatives for hours. Get real. If you are so quick to hate someone and label them, you were probably just eager to misinterpret anything they said to get a chance to be angry. You don't know them and you are not a sensible, fair person. They act like a pack of wolves if they can tell themselves it's justified. It is NOT justified. They should be ashamed. They are just bullies hiding behind a hero’s mask.

[tearwolfe]

Can you ramble about your headcanons? I like headcanons :3

these are mostly going to be ruikasa because i'll be honest. they're the ones i think about the most. if you couldn't tell...

tsukasa: -transkasa real.. -he's bisexual. makes it 2x funnier when i draw him saying he's not gay (it's true to me). -he's really strong, but he doesn't build muscle very visibly, so he looks slim/limber. not really a headcanon as of whenever the mr showtime live was, but he's stupidly flexible. -he has a mullet to Me. (i am projecting) -sharp canines... -his eyes are more red than orange. -he actually has a really good poker face. -adhd -he has a hard time falling asleep, but once he's out, he is OUT.

rui: -doesn't really confine himself with gender labels. or sexuality labels. but he'll call himself gay because it's funny. -you guys know but. chubby rui real. -i always slap that blue gradient on his hair so he's less ugly (thank you to my friend kade for drawing him like that first). -he can sleep pretty much anywhere if you let him. -paints his nails (i usually draw them black). -his hair is long enough to put in a short ponytail. -autistic -he gets along with saki very well. -he smiles when nervous.

ruikasa (together..): -rui likes to poke fun at tsukasa's quirks, but if he knows it's something he's genuinely self-conscious about, he won't say anything. -tsukasa will steal rui's clothes but then complain about his fashion choices. -they're both annoyingly clingy (tsukasa denies this). -tsukasa's the type of guy to go "hey rui we should practice kissing. for shows. in case we need to kiss for a role. not related to anything else." -tsukasa fell first, rui fell harder. -tsukasa starts to put a lot more effort into his lunches when he realizes that rui is always mooching off of him (true love).

ok here's some other, misc prsk headcanons. i don't think about the other characters As Much as these guys, but they still plague my brain.

gender/sexuality hc: -genderqueer ichika (haven't decided What so i'll leave it at that) -butch shiho -all of ln is lesbian -genderqueer or bigender haruka (i don't have a reason for this it just makes sense) -lesbian minori (pretty much canon) -all of vbs is gay -trans kohane -transmasc mafuyu -transfemme mizuki (this is pretty much canon, but some people prefer nb mizuki so i'll specify my interpretation) -bigender nene other headcanons: -shizuku is taller than tsukasa. i cannot stand the fact that she is canonically shorter than him i will not allow it. -chubby emu, honami, kohane. there might be more that i am forgetting. but that's my propaganda <3

[melonteee]

yes! screaming about the Found Family stuff in One Piece! the Strawhats are found family but absolutely not a found NUCLEAR family. they're not parents and siblings! they are a secret third thing!

and like I guess I get some people ascribing them parental/sibling roles because when I first got into One Piece and saw fans saying they were Found Family, I assumed Luffy maybe thought of Zoro/Sanji/Usopp/Franky/etc as brothers. and maybe people can interpret them that way if they want to but I can't see them that way anymore at all because Luffy ALREADY has Found Family that are his brothers in Ace and Sabo. and I feel like Luffy has a VERY different relationship with those two than he has with the Strawhat crew. I just can't see Luffy thinking of his crew as his brothers/siblings when he's already got two people that he chose to be brothers with but hasn't made any mention of the crew being his "brothers"

(I think he called Momonosuke "little brother" once in Wano but I don't remember and I feel like that's also different idk)

It's like when you ship something like zosan because you think well MAYBE there could be something, and while it's not likely to be canon or anything, you can still interpret it as something else, right? When you do that, you sometimes get hit with some guys going "THEY'RE BROTHERS" ..like.

Even IF you don't ship Zoro and Sanji in any romantic sense, isn't just labelling them 'brothers' a bit shallow? Doesn't their relationship and connection in each other feel so much MORE than just the 'brother' label? Connections and relationships between men can be so much deeper than just 'brothers', slapping that onto two characters like Zoro and Sanji feels like it truly does not encompass how grand their connection is. Sometimes they act like brothers, but they're also friends, crewmates, rivals, partners, the wings. They fight for each other, they'd die for each other, they look out for each other - one day they're at each other's throat and the next they're moving in complete unison on the battlefield.

Does 'brother' really sum them up? Is that really all they are? Must you restrict them with such a label where you REFUSE to see anything MORE with them? Putting them in a box with the term 'brothers' even though they're so much more than that?

And of course, the same can be said for any of the Strawhats. They're 'nakama' for a reason, and the fact there's no English equivalent word for that is an irony in itself. They're not quite crewmates, they're not quite family, they're something so much more than that. They're nakama! Slapping nuclear family labels on such a thing and between such connections just never sits right with me.

[sapphire-weapon]

I think the fact that so many people want to label Leon/Ashley as canonically "sibling- coded" is because they feel threatened in the way they view other of Leon's relationships, they can tell Leon and Ashley have chemistry and they try to convince themselves that they have a familial bond going on (like Ellie/Joel) so that they can justify not shipping them and making people who ship it feel bad/weird.

Because nowadays so many people can't just dislike something, they have to make up a reason why it's morally wrong and unacceptable so that way they can bully people that think differently and feel like their own personal opinions are objective and right while everyone else is wrong smh. This is mostly the case with younger fans (tho a lot of people older than me does this too lmao) so that's why I don't really find it frustrating bc it's most likely they have limited real life experience. Plus they might not be that good at interpreting canon from contextual clues yet.

In my case though I think a lot of these people are actually doing the opposite tbh because to me it just shows that they recognize that Ashley's relationship with Leon is real and they can't even concede that they're friends in the canon because they know it could lead to something else if followed through in the story, they admit there's potential there subconsciously with how hard they try to make it seem otherwise with nonsense claims. It's like when insecure guys feel uncomfortable but try to seem tough by buying big trucks and having guns on them all the time lmao.

So, I've talked about this before -- about how the "sibling coded" or "problematic age gap" discourse is just modern-day fandom's way of slutshaming and engaging in casual misogyny in a societally acceptable way.

I'm pretty confident in saying that anyone in my generation who slaps "siblings" on Leon and Ashley are probably people who have another ship and have had it for a while and don't want Ashley getting in the way of it, tbh LMAO

Like.... my generation has co-opted the current generation's vernacular, but make no mistake about the kind of bitches we are. We're ship war bitches. That's all we've ever been AND WE ARE NOT GOING TO CHANGE OUR WAYS NOW fjdskfh

But if we're talking about the current generation...

Media illiteracy is a big factor in this. It's no secret to anyone that the US education system took a massive shit starting in the late aughts/early 2010s, and things like critical reading skills aren't being taught in schools anymore.

I graduated high school in 2007. Two years later, I went back to visit an old English teacher to get a letter of recommendation, and he was lamenting to me that he'd just given up. It wasn't worth trying to explain the deeper themes of Beowulf to kids who didn't care, because the only thing that mattered was getting them to pass standardized tests.

So, now, without an overt, explicit declaration of love or something visually concrete like a kiss, kids literally do not have the skills to parse through a text and pick out themes and tropes and use of symbolism and imagery. They were never taught how to do it.

But there's a more culture-based thing happening here, I think. It's this fucking mess of a cocktail of internalized misogyny paired with learned helplessness, social anxiety, intense sheltering possibly exacerbated by the pandemic shutdowns, peer pressure, and internet purity culture.

I think it's pretty safe to say that fandom is predominantly made up of women and teenage girls. That was true in the 60s in Star Trek fandom, it was true in my generation, and it's still true today. And what I've seen happening today is that young women are absolutely terrified of their own sexual agency -- because the internet keeps telling them that, if you're under 18, it is wrong and bad and unacceptable for you to engage with anything even remotely sexual and how dare you express your sexuality -- and you'd better not do it not just because it's wrong and bad, but also because you are GUARANTEED TO BE PREYED UPON IF YOU DO. SEX IS DANGEROUS ALL OF THE TIME AND YOU'RE LITERALLY TOO YOUNG AND TOO STUPID TO UNDERSTAND ANYTHING SO DON'T TRY TO EVEN THINK ABOUT IT. Because if you're 17 and he's 18, he's a pedophile!!!!!!!!

I just.

So, we've now basically turned an entire generation of young women into the same type of young women who created the BL genre in Japan. These are women who were too afraid to explore their sexuality on their own, and it felt safer to do it with two male characters, because it was always more "okay" for men to be sexual. This is happening here in the West, now.

Slash ships have always been a thing in the West, but not to the degree that they are today. In today's fandom, if you have an M/F ship at all, you are outnumbered by at least 3:1 -- because M/M just "feels" safer for a lot of the current generation.

So, I think young women look at the Remake portrayal of Ashley Graham, and they identify with her. A lot. They're probably around her age, and her personality is very relatable to the kind of girls who play video games. Ashley's clearly introverted, but she's a fast learner who just wants to help, and she's got a good heart and a weird, kind of awkward sense of humor.

And, not only do these girls identify with Ashley, they're probably thirsty as fuck for Leon.

But that's terrifying to them.

Because they have been taught to fear their own sexual agency. The idea that an attractive, traditionally masculine, older man would be romantically or sexually interested in them is immediately categorized in their brains as wrong and bad -- and they don't want to think of Leon in that way.

So... for them, it can't be romantic. It can't be sexual. But there's clearly something there, but Leon would never abuse or prey on anyone so... that bond must be a perfectly innocent familial affection. That's what it is. That's what it has to be, because anything else forces them to face the uncomfortable reality even young women like them go on dates and have sex -- and sometimes, it's with men like Leon.

So, they thirst over Leon at a safe distance through Luis, primarily. Or they self-indulge on reader fic, because that's so much easier to write off as "just a fantasy" and not a statement on who Leon actually is as a character.

And it's just kind of sad, man. It sucks to see this happen to an entire generation of young women.

That's why I don't really get mad when I see the "siblings" shit out in the wild. I just feel sad for those people -- because they can't just say "I don't like the ship." They're so insecure and neurotic that they have to think of a reason why the ship is literally impossible to ever happen so that they don't have to be worried about it.

One day, they'll finally suck a dick for themselves and learn that it's not that serious. It's really fuckin not. Dicks are stupid, and the boys that are attached to them are even dumber.

[princelylove]

I’m at your beck and call when it comes to asks. I swear you ask, you will receive. I am too happy to fill your inbox. It’s like Christmas every time I get your notification. I consistently read your work. I know it’s kinda bad, but it really fuels my delusions by reading your interpretation of Leone. He’s so depraved and needy I just wanna eat him… like literally??? It’s like my own version of cuteness aggression where I need to bite him as hard as possible… like just a nibble(I want a chunk). Like to feel his skin under my teeth and to taste him. My emotions are very big, negative and positive. I love him, so, so much. Too much. To the point I am in physical pain. And your specific version of him does so much for me. Keep up the amazing work, your highness ����💜

Uh huh. How come you aren't in my inbox without my command, then? Didn't I tell you last time to get on that?

... Actually, was that you? I need to start putting labels on my anons' collars. Be a good doggy and come without the call, sometimes.

I feel empathy for your obsession with him, but not because I share it. I'm just that way with someone else. Mischaracterization drives me wild, but also, good! You don't love them like I do because you don't understand them like I do. Am I just possessive? Maybe.

Leone will gladly let you chew on him. Partially because of the pain, mainly because of the attention. Well. It depends on the stage he's in.

If it's the early stage of your relationship, he'll slap your hand and scold you for getting so close.

"What the hell are you doing?" The swat is quick. Leone's always had quick reflexes, but his focus isn't on pulling away, it's always on restraining you.

You probably frightened him a little. He's always found quick moving crawlies to be scary. He's a horror movie junkie, he's seen it all, and that's the worst. Don't be a brat and sneak up on him for a bite, you're acting like Narancia.

Later on, once he's shown his very, very obsessed hand, he'd beg for it. Bite him, hit him, drag your nails across his bare skin, anything you want. You're doing this because you think he's pretty, right? Right? Because you think he's pretty? Please, God, say he's pretty.

He winces a bit the first time- every time, really- you let your teeth sink into his stomach. He offered his hand, and his arms, but they're better for daytime snacks. Leone sucks his teeth at the sensation, he grips whatever's available to control himself. Normally it's his blankets, but when your urge commands him to strip in an alleyway, he'll settle for digging his nails into his own palm. Red, crescent-shaped marks fill his skin- and he couldn't be happier.

"I'm so in love with you. Was it good?"

[gloriousmonsters]

what is the new book concept?? (if you don’t mind sharing — but if you do mind it’s ok not to reply)

also what is that font you used btw? is there a full alphabet somewhere and if so would you mind sharing the link? i like that it’s a very understated gothic-looking serif. or very calligraphic looking i guess

sure thing!! with the understanding it's a lot more half-baked than most of the ideas I've been talking about, so i'm going to briefly walk you through the few ideas that went into it before explaining (also briefly) what it is so far, lol. Also, the font is Fondamento - it was one of the fonts available in Photopea (free online photoshop-like) which I used to make the cover, but it looks like it's also on Google Fonts. If you want to know how I did the bronze metallic-ink-ish look for the text I can expound on that as well, btw, or you can just enjoy the font :)

So I've been having a resurgence of my Tempest emotions

(for those who are unfamiliar. i would summarize it, but it would take a long time. just. find a summary and read it with a MASSIVE grain of salt that's labeled 'prospero is an asshole and nobody understands Caliban but tumblr user gloriousmonsters and the poet Robert Browning')

and this time reading it was especially having fun with the parallels between Caliban and Miranda's characters and also thinking about how EXTREMELY weird and screwed up their relationship would have been growing up.

Despite interpretations/stories based on it sometimes having it otherwise, in canon neither of them seem to have ever seen or spoken to Ariel (at least in capacity as A Person You Can Talk to; Caliban is more aware of the spirits Prospero commands in abstract, at least). Aside from Prospero, who is notoriously not good at being present for what he's supposed to be looking after, they are the only human being the other one knows. It's serving twisted Eden vibes. It's serving tmg's 'the last man on earth'. it's serving 'not that Prospero would have encouraged it, but to an extent they must have seen each other as family, right? especially in Miranda's case, considering she grew up her entire life with him. the psuedoincest is off the charts'. Then shit goes bad (in whatever way you want to interpret) and now suddenly they're in a place of seeing each other daily, because Caliban does literally everything around the place, but having an uncrossable rift of mutual hurt and betrayal between them* that has little choice but to curdle and get worse because neither of them can do anything to change their situation. Depending on how lines are assigned, they never speak to each other in the play. And they have nobody else to talk to save for cursing out Prospero (Caliban) or trying to get in two words between Prospero's monologues (Miranda). And then the play events happen and they just part ways because Prospero has decided it, after probably expecting they'd be stuck in this forever. And then the next-to-only person you've ever known is on a different landmass and you're probably never going to see them again. it's So fucked.

Anyway I was revolving all of that with quiet awe in my head, and going 'man, I want to write a fucked up Caliban/Miranda book, but I don't have a non-play plot and I don't want to just write a prequel'

Then I encountered Caliban upon Setebos for the first time, and despite the fact i could still nitpick some things it slaps insanely. Only good Tempest fanfiction. It's a long poem consisting of Caliban theorizing about Setebos--a god his mother supposedly got her witch powers from, but that Caliban knows very little about. He theorizes that Setebos is either indifferent or malignant or both--impossible to predict, driven by whim. The only other divine force is 'the Quiet', an even more inhuman and incomprehensible force that doesn't do anything at all; cosmology is cruel, the world a sandbox under the eye of a god with as many arms as a cuttlefish, capricious and sadistic, whom we can only hope will someday grow decrepit and sleep, which is the closest to it being dead we can pray for--

It was about this point I realized Caliban/Browning was inventing the Lovecraft mythos 50ish years ahead of schedule, and got hit by the lightning bolt of 'PUT ELDRITCH BEINGS IN IT' and, five seconds later 'CALIBAN DESERVES TO BE A MAGICIAN' and five seconds after that 'miranda deserves to break out of being her father's Perfect child, let's set it in the future and kill Prospero off'

So Bitter Heart (taken from a line in the poem, 'Caliban/a bitter heart that bides its time') is conceptually a dual perspective novella/short novel focused on how about nine years after the conclusion of The Tempest, Miranda (unmarried, I'll handwave it; Ferdinand bores me so much sorry dude) finds her father dead and surrounded by rambling half-incomprehensible notes, remnants of a type of magic that's far different from his old ways, and a creeping sense of Wrongness that begins to slowly manifest in distortion, mutation and decay of elements of reality. People search for solutions while Miranda tries to find the source of the bizarre power in her father's notes and what hidden books she can unearth from his study, but she hasn't made it very far before a man comes to Milan at the behest of someone who's decided we should throw magic at the magic problem--a man she's heard rumors of as the hot new 'guy you keep in your court for a bit to show him off at parties because he's learned and also Moorish or something, he has this crazy backstory that's probably fake but is a lot of fun, also he does magic probably' in other cities, but never met.

A man who, when they meet face to face, turns out to be Caliban, who after about a year of 'finally peace and quiet' realized that living completely alone on an island was going to drive him insane and also he still really wanted revenge on Prospero (and had a lot of ambiguous ideas about what he wanted from Miranda) so he scraped together what Prospero had left behind and taught himself magic for the next few years until he could figure out a way off the island. He's extremely annoyed that after that, and after spending more years building himself up and finding his footing in the outside world, Prospero had the nerve to die RIGHT before he showed up, even if he wasn't promised a reward if he can stop people's arms from turning into fishes and shit he'd find out what did it so he can give it a piece of his mind. Miranda understandably never planned for this scenario and has a really hard time knowing what to feel about it, but she and Caliban form a tentative truce in order to try and figure out wtf Prospero was doing before he croaked.

There'll be intercut flashbacks to their past and the time they spent becoming incredibly codependent and eventually tipping into confused romantic attraction and sexual experimentation, which both of them have tried very hard to convince themselves was a bad idea for one reason or another, it clearly wasn't and will never be good for them, etc; and of course in present day they both immediately resume having bitter gothic sexual tension and trying to ignore the instinct that, now they've met each other again, they're the only two real people in a world of dreams and spirits.

Also they have to find the entrance to an eldritch realm and figure out what's coming through and how to stop it, and have a lot of insanely weird and pretentious thoughts/conversations about God and sin and abuse and vengeance/hatred and so on. So that's the mess Bitter Heart is at the moment :P

*ymmv may vary on how justified on either side depending on the situation, obviously

[thehighpriestexx420]

For Trans Awareness Week: My experience/timeline of my gender & sexuality

(from straight cis girl, bisexual cis girl, pansexual trans man, to pansexual nonbinary transmasculine)

In middle school, when I was 11/12. I realized I was bisexual during this time and still thought I was a cis girl. Who just happened to be ok with the thought of getting a sex change if their crush turned out to be gay 🤷‍♂️

I realized I was bisexual (I had romantic experiences with girls before) when I thought a girl's eyes were pretty & developed somewhat of a crush. I printed out the bisexual flag and accidentally left a copy. My mom found it & questioned me. I casually told her that I was bisexual and was confused by her resistance and doubt to the idea. What was wrong with liking girls? I didn't see anything wrong with it.

She laid out alot of the cliches. "How do you know you like girls, are you sure?" ("I know I like them just like how I know I like guys", I told her 🙄) "It was just that Tila Tequila show that made you think that." "You're too young to know that."

When I was 14, I realized I was a trans guy! I came to the conclusion that girls didn't "want to be guys". Wanting to be a "guy" in my eyes meant being recognized by society as one, my interpersonal dynamics regarding me as one, & physically wanting a typical amab body (flat chest, deep voice, penis, etc.) I was in my early 20s in this picture.

I still liked feminine fashion and makeup. I figured I was like Jeffree Star in that aspect. But at that time I couldn't wear clothes that weren't masculine because I'd get mistaken for being a girl. Society and those around me trying to box me into this limiting expression and characterization of myself felt alienating, isolating, & lonely.

My dysphoria mostly came from other's perceptions of me - rather than what I would've thought about myself if society didn't put a gender label on every fucking thing. I would've still longed for the body parts I wanted but I don't think the depression and discomfort would've been half as bad.

Consequently, my body made me uncomfortable. I had the parts that people told me I had because I was a woman. There was a direct association.

The term "pansexual" started becoming more well-known and I vibed with the interpretation of "you're attracted to people regardless of gender/your attraction to people doesn't feel different based on gender" so I slapped that label on to me.

This is me at 28, just last year! I started giving fuck all (similar to the expression of my middle finger) to others' perceptions of me. If I like holographic clothes and fishnets with rhinestones, and you don't like that, well then I'm sorry I have better fashion sense than you 🤷‍♂️💅

I took testosterone for about 5 years at this point so the contrast of masculine & feminine features were like a bow on top of the gift that is me 😎

At this point, instead of just wanting the bumps in my tshirts to be gone regardless of any asthetic consequences (nipples not looking good due to the particular surgeon, etc.), I'd actually want to switch between having a flat chest and having boobies whenever I wanted to. Boobies are fun on me & others, what can I say.

& here's one of my most recent selfies! A couple years ago I came to the conclusion that above all else, I just feel like a person. If I had a gender I'd be a guy so I do still somewhat vibe with the sentiment. But I'm so much more than that. The label that currently fits me best is "gender non-conforming/ non-binary transmasculine". Regardless of whatever label someone may use, I welcome their attraction to me & validate it. If you're a lesbian and you happen to like my features while acknowledging that I'm not a woman & treating me as such, then your feelings are valid & don't invalidate my own identity.

My journey hasn't been easy for several reasons - not just due to my sexuality and gender. My mother & step dad didn't believe me when I came out as trans. Before I came out, and wanted to do things like get a shorter haircut, my mom would say things like "I won't have a dyke for a daughter." And then proceed to say "you know I didn't mean it like that."

One of the more overt instances of transphobia was when her bf randomly shouted "you're a girl!" to me.

A more covert form was when my mom & grandma would "compromise" on my name change. My birth name started with a "K" so I changed it to a more masc version also starting with a "K". They weren't used to my new name and my mom expressed feelings of resentment because she was the one who named me. So the "compromise" was just calling me "K"....a feminine ass sounding name. I asked them to stop and even stopped responding to the name. I eventually changed my name to "Colton" just so they didn't have an excuse to call me K anymore.

There were other instances of abuse and mental health emergencies that I won't go into detail about. I was recently asked what my proudest accomplishment was and I told them that it was not only making it this far but also being able to support myself. I've experienced homelessness so that adds on to what I've overcome.

But now, I'm at a place I couldn't fathom. Things aren't perfect but I have the tools, the want, the belief, and the will to make things better every day. I believe my life story is meant to serve as an example of hope. I've been destroyed & broke down to my atoms so I was forced to rebuild myself stronger and more in alignment with my true self. I have this wisdom to offer and I welcome requests for spiritual guidance.

The High Priestexx Tarot + Reiki Services is a buisness I've founded. It's success & ability to change people's lives for the better is also something I'm profoundly proud of. When you follow my blog & reblog my pinned post, you get a free one question tarot reading & free reiki healing session!

One way of celebrating Trans Awareness Week is by celebrating yourself with this free service & by celebrating me & my journey by increasing my visibility!

So that was my specific experience with my gender & sexuality! I hope that can broaden your mind as to what individual experiences can look like & help you feel less alone. Sending everyone much peace, love, & support! ✌️💖

[avi17]

I'm really trying not to dwell on anti drama but I'm also just like. Holding in an explosive rant about this wild new idea that shipping within "found families" is incest and therefore immoral?? I feel like I said something about this before but like. God does that feel not only queerphobic but completely antithetical to everything about queer history

[mama-qwerty]

It may have been unintentional, but Sonic, Tails, and Knuckles all show signs of autism!

At the risk of seeming like a killjoy, I'm gonna have to say "eh."

I've seen these types of things before, and while it's fun to pull specific examples like these, I honestly don't know that any of the boys would truly be diagnosed with autism. Mostly because we don't know how much of their behavior was present since birth.

A lot of these 'signs' are better attributed to their upbringing and various traumas they've encountered in their lives. (I'm going by the movie versions, because those are the ones I'm most familiar with.)

Sonic, if anything, is ADHD. He's hyper and easily distracted and has trouble with impulsive behavior. His speed means he cannot sit still, leading to the 'stimming' behavior some see. The imitative behavior is simply because that's the way he learns. He's been alone for 10 years--the only way for him to learn new things is simply by imitating what he sees. I don't see anything that really stands out to me as autism, and I think I've gotten pretty good at noticing those little things since I have a daughter on the spectrum.

Tails . . . well, I could see Tails as autistic, specifically what was once referred to as Asperger's. He's incredibly smart, uses advanted vocabulary for his age, but has difficulty in social interactions. Yes, that could be attributed to his history of being an outcast, but it could also be because his brain is so academic, he has trouble interpretting social cues. And I could see him being hyperfocused to the point of ignoring everything else. He reminds me a lot of my own son, whom is thisclose to being on the spectrum, but isn't.

Knuckles, again, could simply be a product of how he grew up. He was left alone at a very young age, and entered into a hard, violent, dangerous quest most likely not long after. He's been alone, and dealing with who knows what as he grew up, meaning he won't be a big talker, or good with personal interactions. The aversion to touch also stems from that. After he left his village, where would he get any gentle, affectionate physical touch? He'd become accustomed to not wanting anyone to be near enough to touch him, as it would most likely lead to a fight.

But hey, these are all just my takes. I'm not saying they definitely are or are not or have this or that or the other thing. If someone wants to think the boys are all autistic, have at it.

I just don't like how autism is being thrown around as something to explain every single little thing a character does. "Oh, he's anti-social? Autism. He doesn't like to be touched? Autism. He occasionally bounces on the balls of his feet or does a little happy wiggle? Autism. He repeats things he hears sometimes? Autism."

It's a little bothersome autism is being thrown around online like some new fun label to slap onto someone. Like autism is nothing but a few little quirks that make the character "different" but otherwise is okay. There are real issues people with autism have to face, and slapping the label onto a character who isn't designed to be autistic simply because of a few isolated behaviors (that would be easily explained based on the character's childhood) feels . . . I dunno. Wrong.

This is absolutely nothing against you, Anon. You're hardly the first to ever state this opinion. If others want to have this headcanon, that's fine. Doesn't really hurt anyone, I suppose. I just don't share it.

Just my two cents.

[probably-haven]

Hello!! After seeing what you wrote about xiaoven fics I went to see what things you usually write and omg, your archon Venti headcanons????? I am absolutely in love. So if it isn't annoying, could you talk about xiaoven or Venti or Xiao or whatever ship or character you like? I don't care what you are going to say, I just want to know more about your thoughts ^^

I- is this... bestie, this is essentially a free ramble pass- kerujsgheskdfug. Trust me when I say that in no way is this, and in no way will it ever be annoying in the slightest- i literally- lets just say rambling off thoughts is kind of my specialty, especially when provided a topic to branch off of because otherwise I'm just- really indecisive about it so- iujskdh yeah- 100% definitely down to talk about Venti, Xiao, and/or Xiaoven XD. Also, yes- it may have been awhile since i last posted one(cuz again, indecisive about which direction to take part 5), but the Archon War Era Venti headcanons are still without a doubt my favorite posts I've made. It's just such an interesting topic with such endless potential that so few people actually think about or consider or even realize is there, so i always just get really psyched whenever i see someone interact with them lol.

.... this ended up being a bit of a mess: warning in advance

Anyway! onto the actual content!

- You see the thing about Xiaoven is that there's a lot of different ways that it could end up working out, and just personally my favorite way of portraying Xiaoven in my mind is as an unlabeled relationship because if anyone in genshin would give off that vibe its these two. And a number of other reasons.

- Firstly, I heavily headcanon Venti as being an aroace polyplatonic or perhaps heavily demiromantic. However, regardless of this I just don't think that Venti is really the kind of person to worry about how he should label his feelings, thinking it's silly to try to put them in one box or the other, especially with feelings and emotions being as fluid as they are in general. Plus it fits his whole God of Freedom vibe. I just- dont think he's the biggest fan of labels or social categorization in general.

- And secondly on the hand of Xiao... his defense mechanisms are very much ingrained in his personality. It's probably hard enough for him to not go into fight or flight(the answer is fight) at the slightest affection at first, at the slightest feeling of vulnerability. Even further down the line, with his fierce dedication to Liyue, I cant help but get the vibe that the moment he recognized that he was falling for Venti he would begin avoiding him, not only to avoid distraction from his duty, but to avoid corrupting him or losing him in general like he has with like basically every other person he gets close with(even believing that the cycle had repeated once more when he first heard of Morax's death)... now imagine Venti tryna slap a label on their relationship and tell me Xiao would have a positive reaction.

- The thing with Xiaoven.... honestly, i feel like theres more ways that it can go wrong than it can go right, but if they do manage to make their relationship work out, it's just simply beautiful in all terms of the word.

- Lets talk about killing. - During the Archon War, both were forced to kill a large number of people and gods alike- Venti out of a need to remain alive to protect Mondstadt, it's freedom, and the nameless bard's legacy by extent- and Xiao out of servitude to the god that was once his master

..... actually- break here- ive talked a lot about Venti on this blog but I havent actually spoken about Xiao all that much- so i should probably do that a bit first... do note though that my characterization of Xiao is pretty flexible actually- this is just- the possible characterization of him that i tend to favor as being the most- uh- "realistically complex"

-

Theres a line I saw this one time in a certain story: "He is a trained weapon. That's what he is, was, and always will be. You cannot change that so stop trying." And i just- think its a really interesting concept- that applies pretty well to Xiao now that i actually think about it. - the concept behind it is this: After spending more than a vast majority of his life killing or otherwise in battle, it's become a part of who he is, a normalcy that after centuries and centuries would be near impossible to get rid of or reverse, and even if it was possible, with his karmic debt constantly eating away at him its unlikely he has enough time left for that to happen. - it sounds like a cruel thing to say about him- but in context it's actually pretty layered and i think about it a lot. It's not as much a "he's a killer lol, that his whole personality" its more of a "The centuries of trauma he experienced have conditioned him into a constantly alert and battle ready mindset while also shaping his dehumanizing inferior-in-worth-but-superior-in-capability view of himself that would have likely been necessary to get through those time, and at this point he's been under that conditioning for long enough that it's essentially ingrained itself in his personality."

- the main idea is- it's a part of who he is, that needs to be accepted as who he is because its not something that he can just up and change. It's not all he is of course but his constant battle mode, as though always waiting to be ambushed or to be granted a new target to eradicate.

a couple character story quotes:

-"His past of service under the evil god had rid Xiao of his innocence and gentleness. All that remained within him was the means to kill and the weight of his sins. The only way he could be of service to mortals was in combat." -"Xiao does not feel any hatred. Having lived for over two thousand years, no single karmic debt constitutes anything more than a fleeting memory. No grudge can last a thousand years; nor is any debt so great that it cannot be paid off in this time. Xiao has spent many long years alone. But his battles have never been in vain." -"where did Xiao have to return to? He was merely leaving the battlefield." -"since Xiao wages a constant war against dark forces powerful enough to devour Liyue in its entirety, any bystanders who witness him in the heat of battle are likely to end up as collateral damage." -"The war he fights can never be won, and will never come to an end." -"Because ultimately, the one with whom Xiao wrestles is himself."

i feel like at some point this very nearly did consume his whole personality, almost turning him into nothing more than a being of slaughter under Morax's control, devoid of any "humanity" at all, consumed and corrupted by his karmic debt like his fellow yakshas before him. - until he experienced a moment of clarity- a song in the wind, the peaceful melody of a dihua flute. - and pulled back from the border of something he wouldnt have been able to return from, there a was a shift in his mind- a concept grown unfamiliar enough with time that it took him a great time to identify what it was; a curiosity. Something that there was no place for on the battlefield, something that by all means should have been completely useless to Xiao, and yet he held onto that curiosity, slowly regaining over time, a sense of who he was and who he could choose to be with each song that the wind chose to carry towards him every once in a blue moon.

and eventually that curiousity turned to longing. Longing "for a day to come when he will wear the mask and dance — not to conquer demons, but to the tune of that flute amid a sea of flowers"

...... uh- heh- if you couldn’t tell already i have a tendency to make my characterizations/analyses of characters more serious that i probably should. 

to summarize: Xiao is constantly toeing the line between his ingrained nature and his humanity- almost as though still trying to decide how much of that humanity he deserves to have, how much he is allowed to have, and how much is safe to have.

^looking back after writing this, i think the best way to explain it is that this is the view that i keep in mind/the lense that i tend to most enjoy looking through and refering back to while examining and/or analyzing his character, actions, story, lines, and overall personality.

idk- i kinda got off track but i just think its a really interesting interpretation to think about because it has some really interesting implications ig- it’s not the full extent of how i view him of course, but i kinda got ahead of myself and its long enough as is so ill just elaborate as i go- Lol i actually have in progress playlists for both him and venti and just- vibes- i could ramble about the playlists alone for hours explaining everything... It’s probably a problem- uh- ill keep going now lol.

anyways! stepping off the angst path for a brief break! Brought to you by their lines in the snow: both waiting for it to get thick enough, Venti for the purpose of a snowball fight and Xiao for the purpose of a tasty and nutritious breakfast.

but its actually something of note that Xiao doesnt actually need to eat so anything he does eat is usually out of obligation or enjoyment- so like.... snow.... like i dont blame him, but of all things- an adeptus who refuses to eat basically anything but almond tofu looks at the freezing-cold-floor-water that yeeted itself from above and decided at some point- damn- that seems more edible than basically ever single actually edible thing ever.... im gonna eat it- like- im glad if eating snow makes him happy but- at the same time...

He probably convinces Venti to eat snow too though and Venti wouldnt even resist I mean he’s wind and has probably consumed worse things in his time so- 2 anemo cryptids with glowing tattoos sitting in Dragonspine monching snow in the dead of night is an amusing thought to me.

- kay, now back to more serious-toned thoughts

One of the things about the ship that i really like is the different contradicting parallels between them:

A lot of how i view Xiao’s character is someone formed largely by the things he cant control and who was forced to accept that accepted that and learned to thrive in it as much as he can.  Venti on the other hand is surrounded by things he cant control and is ever adapting to control as much as he can while embracing whatever he cant as being part of the unpredictability of the world, seeing beauty in it. 

both of them have lost people and do what they do to honor their memory: Xiao continues to do what the Yakshas once did And Venti chooses to do what his friend couldn’t

Xiao’s power coming from himself  and Venti’s from others And both seem to appear to use their power for their own gain while truly helping others behind the scenes

both have killed a lot of people during the archon war Xiao views it as another necessary event out of his control and Venti would likely view it as a tragedy he chose to enact himself

and this is where we meet out balance

Xiao- contrary to how i think a lot of people view him as thinking of himself as a monster- seems canonically to have accepted this as part of his duty, as long as those he killed are not mortals. I dont think he enjoys it no- but someone has to do it and he’s just accepted that its a part of his duty Venti on the other hand-

See the beauty of the ship- as someone with an angst-centric mind- is this- these are two of the most traumatized mfers in the game 

Xiao is by far the one who needs the most help and who can serve to benefit most from the ship- but he is nowhere near self aware enough to recognize that there’s anything wrong or unhealthy about his mindset in the slightest-

whereas you have the contrast with Venti who sorted through most of his trauma with the nameless bard alone during the archon war and while the result appears more healthy- is still really not- but he’s not self aware of that either because i mean- who’s going to tell him? nobody even knows. 

however- venti is aware enough to notice flaws in Xiao’s mindset and “Venti” enough to want to help them through it-

Xiao- while not aware enough to recognize the flaws in Venti’s mindset, can recognize where it contrasts with his own, and is blunt enough to point it out- and then it’s out there to be mulled over- 

they’re so similar and yet so different and a feel just conversing between the two of them, being in each others precense, just being exposed to two mindsets that are so very different could do both of them a whole lot of good.

GEEE THAT BIT OF RAMBLING HAD LITTLE TO NO DIRECTION AT ALL- LET ME-- LET ME MAKE THIS START MAKING SENSE- WITH... DYNAMICS OR SOMETHING

I don’t think Xiao needs to sleep really- and i dont think that sleeping would do anything except make him uneasy at first- he’d probably just get nightmares after all he’s been through- but with Venti he would soon learn that it doesn’t have to be that way, lulled into the first peaceful sleep he’s had in... as long as he can remember.

anywho back to not making sense cuz im fickle and i think most questions about ships are best displayed through character interactions so like- a possible exchange thats cliche but cliches exist for a reason

Xiao: Why do you try so hard to help me, it isn’t easy. I know that much Venti, with the most adoring expression: Because you’re worth it, obviously Xiao: But surely there are others more deserving of- Venti: No Xiao, everyone is just as deserving as the next person, you included Xiao: Then why me above others? Venti: ehe, cuz ur my warrior of course [O//////O oh shit, hes right] Xiao: My contract is with Morax alone [gay panic but in broody yaksha]

it’s kinda difficult cuz neither of them really address their feelings.  I mean Venti does but he does it very indirectly and its rare that he ever does it with like- genuine directness- even spilling his backstory was in the form of a song- and told in the third person- so a lot of their interactions would often have some deeper meaning, especially with Venti being the bard he is. 

I come up with a lot of- errant thoughts about Xiaoven- but this is making me realize that a true analysis of their ship is rather difficult because it just encompasses so many dynamics so its hard to settle on just one and not go rambling about who knows what bouncing from one end of the ship to the other-  Because you truly can and thats the beauty of it

within one moment you can be having a heartfelt conversation about the archon war the impact of lost friends and times past, and the next moment Venti is trying to forcefeed Xiao an apple while Xiao screams about disrespecting the adepti and its just- so lovely

so while they have picnics with nothing but apples, dandelion wine, and almond tofu they can sit down and talk about the dreams Xiao once devoured, and the dandelion wine and apple cider that the first Ragnvindir invented from the plants that never could have grown in Old Mond. The foods that tasted of familiarity, or of the grilled ticker fish Pervases always used to eat, foods that tasted of friends and frankly family that had since passed, glaze lilies and cecilias and qingxin flowers scattered in the surroundings and woven into Xiao’s neat braids and Venti’s now messy ones, rebraided by the steady and inexperienced hands of one unused to gentle action. 

and then of course Venti steals Xiao’s tofu once the mood becomes too grim and replaces it with a bottle of wine that Xiao refers to as “vile poison,” a remark that fatally wounds Venti as he collapses on the floor, proclaiming how he can only be healed by a Yaksha’s kiss. Xiao ignores this of course and simply takes back his tofu with a slight smile on his face, but as Venti persists he soundlessly places a kiss on his own palm before intertwining their fingers and pulling him back up from where he was dramatically sprawled on the floor, grumbling about how such action was “unbecoming of an archon.” A sign of affection only Xiao would ever know about. But Venti is literally wind and I hc his senses work differently anyways so he definitely knows- plus Xiao’s face is red as the blood of his enemies and the way he is pointedly not looking at Venti at all really speaks volumes anyways. 

 -Venti playing epic battle music whenever Xiao goes into fights in what looks like a ridiculously extra performance to anyone else but is actually doing wonders to keep Xiao’s karma at bay

-Venti preaches the practice of “kissing wounds better” and Xiao is unfamiliar with this medical treatment but views it as unnecessary regardless because adepti have accelerated healing, doesn’t mean he’s going to stop him though. 

-Messages whispered on the wind

-Venti’s 1000 year sleep- an accident, not a fun time for the yaksha, and not a fun time for Venti once he woke up. Venti is actually more afraid of restful sleep than Xiao is, hence the sleeping in trees thing, but when Xiao is there, he can sleep restfully with faith that Xiao wont let another millennia slip through his fingertips. 

- Xiao tends to make excuses when doing things that aren’t necessary to his duty, like in his birthday voice line “Have this, it’s a butterfly i made from leaves... Okay. Take it. It’s an adepti amulet -- it staves off evil” because at the current point in his progress it helps him to feel like he’s allowed to do these things. Not wanting to put him off from progress, Venti never comments on his excuse but never fails to whisper a quick reminder of how proud he is of how far Xiao had come.

- Xiao’s karma saddens Venti greatly- not only because of how it effects Xiao but also because its a reminder that as much as Venti tries to honor the memory of those he’s killed, there will always be those who resent him for it, and when he took the option of living away from them, he truly can’t blame them. - And when he gets too wrapped up in thoughts, whether around this topic or similar ones or otherwise, eventually, he’ll hear the sound of a flute on the wind. It’s not divine by any means, but as his own wind connects him to the source, he gets the sentiment all the same. “What impact does one individual’s remaining wrath have on the present. You have done much to help the living in the present” the unspoken idea that Xiao has included himself in that statement, because now, with Venti’s help he’s beginning to learn just how to experience living for himself. 

- Venti’s form and Xiao’s mask are off limit topics though because if either mentions it the other will counter with the opposite and the mood will turn immediately bitter at the idea that both know that what they’re doing is destructive but neither are willing to change

- Venti who has different tells for negative feelings than most people because as much as he likes to pretend it is- this form isnt his, and Xiao who is able to identify those

- many fanfics and headcanons have Venti recognizing when Xiao is uncomfortable and getting him out of those situations. I see that and I love it but i raise you: - Venti taking Xiao to Mondstadt, careful that he doesn’t get to the point that he’s uncomfortable. And nothing goes wrong exactly, but Xiao notices the the way Venti’s cape is blowing in the wind, the way he’s holding his weight, barely on his feet so much as floating on the wind, connected with the ground only for the sake of appearance, all the while he looks just as happy go lucky as ever. And without a word, he grabs his hand and teleports them both out of Mondstadt.  - turns out it was just a slight thing that reminded him of the archon war (cuz i will die on the hill of him having more tragic backstory than just Decarabian), and he of course gives a sincere if not flustered thanks to Xiao, because he’s really not used to people noticing. 

- Venti trying to vent sneakily through fictional stories and Xiao is just like “Didn’t that basically happen to you” and Venti is just like “<_< shit”

- Venti once said affectionally that he wished he had met Xiao sooner and Xiao immediately and seriously shot it down by saying “If you had, I would have been forced to kill you” and both of them now stay up at night wondering who would have won that fight, not sure which result would have hurt more. (because honestly I have no idea who would win in that fight and that terrifies me- I like to think it would have been one of those legends that end with “and the fight persists to this day” or something along those lines)

- “How long have you been together?” “Adepti have no need for-” “1000+ years T^T how dare you deny our love” “O///O our...? ...useless”

- its disney- let me explain- i have this- i have this headcanon inspired by watching too many animatics- - so venti has a human form that isnt his- which he would have had to get used to moving in- and he’s a bard- - uh- anyway- as a third degree black belt in mixed martial arts, i can speak as an authority on this(not really an authority since i havent gone since quarantine but lets pretend). We have a thing referred to as the big three(most things do), and those things are martial arts, gymnastics, and dance. The idea is that they reflect really well off of each other and the best in any one category are good in all three. Timing, balance, form, discipline, technique, hand-eye coordination, grace, ease of motion, they all play a part- anyway-

- Venti taking Xiao’s prowess in martial arts and acrobatics and teaching him how to dance, and as someone who’s extremely skilled in the first two, the third comes easy to him, almost naturally. And it’s delicate and beautiful and lovely and it isn’t hurting anyone. And Venti points all these things out and more and despite how much Xiao insists that he feels ridiculous he truly does enjoy it and it goes a long way towards helping him form more healthy views of himself and his worth.  - Verr Goldett walked in on him once and made a joke about performing at the inn. unfortunately Venti was there and agreed on Xiao’s behalf before he could protest and- and it wasn’t as bad as Xiao thought it would be... he still wouldn’t do it again though without reason, but with good enough reasoning he could probably be convinced. 

- anyways point is he likes dancing to Venti’s songs and i just think that’s really cute - just picture the idea that all the animatics you see actually have the potential to be canon- ugh

- venti tries holding something out of Xiao’s reach since he’s taller and Xiao just fucking teleports 

- both need their space but when they dont, all they have to do is speak the other’s name and they’ll be there.

- and because i just had to.... love languages

- lets start with Xiao- i don’t think he’d view acts of service or quailty time as a love language tbh, and he blunt but really bad with words so affirmation is out, leaving gift giving and physical touch. However, he seems to view most material things as meaningless so- - Xiao who’s love language is in his fleeting touches, something he’s only recently grown comfortable with because of Venti, and now is giving back, which he knows he doesn’t have to do, but that he want’s to, though he’ll still continue to make excuses for each one. “you were shivering” “The inn is high up, you could have fallen..... I said what I said, you’d question an adeptus?”

- and as easy as it is to say words of affirmation for Venti- he does that for everyone- i want to say his is actually acts of service - its the acts of service that let him see just how much Xiao has progressed afterall, from teaching him to dance, to playing another song on the flute, to supplying him with the almond tofu he seems to enjoy so much. Every little thing he does helps Xiao to grow and he couldn’t be happier about that. 

-

- of course most of my headcanons for the ship do take place latter into the relationship because- y’know the less serious unhealthy vibes allow for greater range of thought, but i do still love to think about the serious implications so i kinda hopped back and forth. So sorry about how messy it is btw, i kinda- got carried away- it kinda got some kind of structure near the end tho so- maybe it’s okay. anyway- back to... lol something, we’ll see where thought forests lead. 

[abyssmalice]

(got work soon but my god my brain wants to give tol tonia more relationships aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

its so hard though!! not just bc she's a secondary muse but also bc personality and lore-wise she's a god damn hermit who never leaves her dingy abyss house like aaaaaaaaaaaaah what do i have to do to get her to socialize sdygcdyugcysuguyd

i also wonder sometimes if because she's........ kinda weird to interact with, in general? like she's v complicated when you get down to it, but on the surface, she seems like a very, very nice but ordinary person. and i know for a rpc, "nice and ordinary" can seem extremely boring to write.

and then her age - canonically, we have no indicator of her age, just that she's younger than childe and for childe we have zero canon ages. you can sorta infer that she might be very young, considering childe always groups her with anthon and teucer when mentioning his little sibs. but we also don't hecking know!!!!!!!!!! so technically, she could be anything from a teen to an adult that's literally just one year younger than childe or something. and i write Both interpretations, essentially.

though i know the mainstream interpretation is a young girl, which kinda makes me wonder sometimes if like........... that's why people like smol tonia, outside of her having an explosive personality that's more interesting in a general sense. because she fits into the more comfy idea of what the fandom thinks. and like, nothing wrong with that!!!!! but flower just likes her whack insane AUs so [slapping the canon divergent label ten thousand times] Yeah.)

[sapphire-weapon]

as someone who has not played the og re4 and only ever saw aeon shippers ostracising leon x ashley shippers and belittling ashley as a character, i was very surprised to discover leon and ashley's interactions in the remake. i'm confused as to how someone could misinterpret them as not flirty (at the VERY LEAST). i knew ashley flirted with leon, so that bit wasn't too shocking, but seeing leon actively flirt with her?? i mean, especially "can you make it down? i can catch you" said with a flirty smile?? it was all very unexpected, so i have to say that your analyses are slowly turning me into a leon x ashley shipper (although i have to say i'm quite chill about re ships, i like cleon and a few others but god i could not care less about anything happening in canon, i've given up, we all know how capcom is)

Multishipping in RE is the best way to be -- especially as a Leon fan. Capcom treats him like the fandom bicycle and gives him romantic and/or sexual chemistry with at least one new person with every installment he's in. I can throw him at just about anyone and be happy with it. I mean, hell, I actually have half of a post-RE2make Cleon fic written up and open in my browser right now. Being tied down to just one ship for him in particular seems insane to me, and it requires a level of obsessiveness and narrow-mindedness that I don't think I've ever had.

So, when I write my Leon/Ashley meta, know that I'm not doing it from a shipper's perspective. I'm just looking at what the text actually says, which literary devices are being used, which tropes are being leaned on, how the cinematography is being utilized, which way the acting direction went, etc etc etc -- and, for RE4make in particular, what seems to be shaking out more often than not is a romantic arc between Leon and Ashley.

I don't start with the ship and mold my interpretation of the text around it. I start with the text and just continue to find the ship contained within it. I have absolutely no illusions about what this canon actually is/has been for the past almost 30 years. Aeon fans have had that obnoxious smugness to them for so long because their ship has been canon for 25 fucking years.

But it's not anymore.

For the first time in those 25 years, the canon is doing something different with Leon's character and relationships. And while a good chunk of the fandom isn't ready to accept that as a reality and see it for what it is, that doesn't change what the text actually says.

People have a kneejerk reaction to reject Leon/Ashley as a viable ship because they've seen it as impossible/ridiculous/distasteful due to their personal dislike of Ashley's character for so damn long -- OR they reject it because they're weird puritans who actually believe that every romantic relationship should be between two people who are only within a year or two of each other's ages -- OR they reject it because only care about yaoi. Those people see Ashley's overhauled character and story in the remake, and they know there's a significance there to it (especially the way her relationship with Leon is portrayed/plays out), so their brain immediately shuts it down and slaps the "siblings" label on it instead.

Oh, no. Leon and Ashley aren't flirting. It's just... playful banter!! That's completely platonic!! Between siblings!! I definitely have siblings and can confirm that this is a thing siblings do and it's not weird at all!!

But no amount of mental gymnastics will change what RE4make's story actually is. And it's a romance between Leon and Ashley.

So. Glad to have you aboard, anon.

[eds-zebra-warrior]

2021 Ehlers Danlos Society Awareness Month (Day 12 Prompt: Nurses and Doctors)

I have already covered much of this topic in previous posts so it's no secret that I have very little trust in the medical field. Of well over 200 doctors I have interacted with through both specialists, medical clinics, urgent care and hospitals there is only one that I have total trust in. Yes on and only one doctor who I trust with my life. I used to have more trust in doctors and used to have the mindset that I trust them until they give me a reason not to trust them because most kids are raised to believe that doctors and nurses are the good guys/girls I had my first experience that I remember with a medical professional at the age of five and they just kept adding up.

Layer after layer of abuse and neglect, four times being dead on their time and three times being so sick my blood pressure registered as clinically dead even though my heart continued to beat and all but one of these times I was not treated by medical personnel, once being revived by my mom in a hospital full of doctors and nurses ignoring my alarms. I have been released multiple times even up to the point of needing ICU level care with psychosomatic disorder labels slapped on me they didn't want to put the work into saving me. My uncle has died at the hands of the medical system from this disease and my mom defied the odds with only a 5% chance of survival rate and more time than I care to think about in a coma and in ICU as a result of a doctor who didn't know what he was doing and botched her surgery then both abused and neglected her for 9 hours after his mistake while trying to hide it so he wouldn’t get caught.

I don’t only have experience as a patient in the medical field but also as a nurse myself. I can't tell you how many times I heard students say they weren't going to do certain procedures because they were gross or uncomfortable like changing a colonoscopy bag acting as if the patient is gross because they have a medical condition that results in something that they believe is unpleasant or undesirable. How do they think the patient with the colostomy bag feels without their nurse making them feel gross, ugly or undesirable. I worked as an STNA where I was raped by my boss. I worked as an LPN at a long term care facility for children with severe to profound developmental delays and complex physical health conditions.

The state recommends no more than four patients be assigned to one nurse and no more than two patients to one nurse in a critical care setting. These patients were total care and at the most I was assigned 17 patients. 17 when there was only one of me and to give you an idea of what total care entities, All 17 were in diapers and needed changing every two hours, with one being on a toileting program meaning every morning she had to be put onto the toilet and strapped onto it with a harness since she had little control of her body and prone to falling off. We were to leave her on the toilet for 15 minutes or until she went to the bathroom and were not allowed to leave her room until she was done. The bathroom connected to two rooms and there were usually three kids in each room with the bathroom being between both of them so shared by six kids. We were not allowed to leave her alone on the toilet but could leave the bathroom itself if we left the door open so we could hear her so we could go into one of the rooms attached to it and change another kids diaper or change bedding but other than that we could not go any further until she was done. She was diapered the rest of the day unless you had more time to work with her later in the day so only did her toileting routine a minimum of once for morning shift and once for night shift. All children needed their bedding changed daily, they all needed a bath every day, clothes changed, hair done, teeth brushed, and some of the older guys we would shave their face if their family wanted us to. 15 of the 17 were tube fed or on TPN so I had to hook up their feeds. The other two, one ate solid food and the other was on a puree diet. They did not eat in their rooms and had to be taken to a group room with a table where we had to allow them a minimum of a half hour to eat. If they refused food we had to try to offer it for at least a half hour. One of the two needed feeding and the other was much more high functioning than the others on the unit so could feed himself, you just had to remind him to eat if he got distracted. All of them had medications, some up to six times a day. None could walk so they all needed picked up and put into their chairs and into their beds, one could craw and if we let her crawl we put knee pads on her knees so she didn't hurt her knees, one could walk using a gait trainer which is basically like a baby walker but bigger, where the strap goes between their legs so they don't have to hold their weight but can push with their feet to slide the walker. 14 of then needed turned every two hours to prevent pressure ulcers, one had a colostomy bag, one had a tracheostomy. They all needed rectal temps daily, They all had to go to the rec room and get some time on the matts daily, 14 of them had physical therapy which we were responsible for except once a week when a therapist worked with them

Therapy for 10 of them dealt with button training where a button as connected to a toy, TV, radio etc. and they had to press the button with their hand or head to get the TV to change or toy to light up or play music and what not. They did their therapy until either they pressed the button on their own ten times or a half hour had passed, whichever came first. One would get in her walker and needed us to guide her to take at least one lap around the unit in her walker, the other did the toileting program and we worked with her on using a modified form and spoon to eat herself, 6 of them did sucker therapy which essentially we would hold a sucker for them to lick in hopes to improve their swallowing skills and build up their saliva so hopefully one day they could get off the feeding tube or be less reliant on it, able to eat some puree or possibly one day solid foods. One we worked with his fine motor skills to have him pick things up but he was easy when it came to this because we could do it throughout the day so if I was changing him I could ask him to hold the clean diaper for me or a wipe or two and while I gave him a bath I could have him hold his tooth brush or comb or his deodorant so that I could combine with a lot of other routines but it helped him with both being able to grasp things and to learn to release his grasp at appropriate times.

11 of them worked on eye gaze to relay their needs so instead of just grabbing clothes and putting them on them we had to pick out at least two shirts, two pairs of pants, two pairs of socks etc. and ask them which one they wanted to work on eye gaze for them to tell us which they wanted. The highest functioning one was learning to use a power chair at the time so we had to follow him with a kill switch and joystick so we could make sure he didn’t run into anything or if we needed to turn the chair so he didn't hit the wall etc. he was also working on menu training where we could give him a picture menu for him to choose what he wanted for his next meal starting with two options for a main dish, like chicken nuggets or mac and cheese, two options for a side dish like cheese slices or apple sauce, two options for a second side like green beans or corn and two options for a dessert such as chips which were more like cheese puffs in different flavors or a cup of ice cream and eventually add more and more options Two of them were labeled as combative which I never had an issue with even once as I also majored in interpreting and learned very quickly that one was combative because he was the only one who could talk but some had trouble understanding him so he got frustrated kind of like a child in their terrible twos who is frustrated because people may not understand their speech, the other was deaf blind and no one worked with her on any kind of sign language or gesturing. As you can see, this is way way too much for one person to take care of.

Now to make things worse, I felt as if I was the only nurse who had any ethics. I felt horrible for these kids because they basically just sat them in front of a tv all day. They had an accessible playground outside which I had never once seen used because they hired so few staff that you didn't have extra time. We had four nurses on our unit which had, if I remember right 23 kids in our unit which doesn't sound too bad but we rotated days off with one weekend off a year so only three people were there at any given time. When someone took a week off we had two of us. Some went to day programs so during the week we usually had around six to 8 residents. On holidays such as the day I had 17 kids I was the only one and there. Two of them took Easter off and one already had that day already off and the boss let this happen. 6 of the kids, their parents took out day passes and took them home for Easter thankfully because I don't know what I would have done with another six kids.

This being said they didn't hire enough people so if someone from another unit called off they would take someone from another unit. The unit I worked on had the most severe children. There were other units that had the ones with moderate disabilities so could do things like brush their teeth, sit up, feed them self and just needed care like bathing, transferring them into their chairs, making sure they didn't get in trouble or fight with other kids, change their diapers or help them change their own or help them toilet themselves or care for catheters so they were a lot easier. There was another unit where most of the kids only had mild delays and basically just needed the staff to work with them on daily living skills like cooking and making sure they shut off the stove, go for walks with them to make sure they didn't get lost or walk up to strangers etc. they had another unit that was all babies two and under so though some of them had pretty advanced delays its a lot easier to pick up or change a 2 year old's diaper than it is a 19 year old's diet. Staff was an issue.

Now for lazy staff. I felt like the only one who actually worked and took a lot of the kids under my wing even if they weren't mine. When the “nurses just play cards thing” came out on tv I couldn't help but laugh because we had one nurse in charge of the most critical patient on the ward. He had no brain and only a brain stem. With a brain stem only your most basic body functions are controlled like breathing, heart rate, kidney function to produce urine and heating and cooling. You can't make pictures of images seen by your eyes so it’s pure darkness, you can't make meaning of sounds you hear so pure silence, cannot register a sense of touch or feeling, no voluntary movements etc. This being said he was hooked to monitors that were linked to a pager to alert his nurse to know if he stopped breathing or his heart stopped and you would need to rush in and do a sternum rub or sometimes CPR on him. This would happen anywhere from a few times a week to on and off all day. He literally would die over and over and over again so we had to be quick to revive him each time.

His nurse was notorious for taking off her pager and laying it in his bed, on his night stand, at one of the computer kiosks for logging, in the rec room etc. and then just going off and playing cards with another staff member. His door had a light and alarm too but it was really quiet which was a big reason the nurse had a pager. If they were busy changing another kid or something, they could yell for someone else because yelling was even louder than the door chime but she did this so much, I got to be like a new mother with a newborn baby where I could hear the ding of his light from a mile away because I knew if I didn't revive him she sure as heck wouldn't we had a room with three boys in it, an 8 year old, a 10 year old and an 11 year old. They were non verbal and there were two nurses who would run into that room and drop their pants and moon each other.

Most of the staff would skip bathing kids for sometimes days on end and just mark it on their charts that they had been bathed. This was especially so for the kids whose families lived out of state or kids who were property of the state and had little to no visitors. These kids were neglected to the fullest. Left in dirty diapers, had physical therapy skipped, were not rolled as much as they should be including one that got MRSA. If one of their family members showed up unexpectedly it would be like all hands on deck, they would call all of the nurses to their room while the receptionist lied to the parents saying they were in therapy or still in the bath or something and have two nurses yanking their clothes off throwing them in the tub to try to scrub them down one getting their clothes and changing their bedding changed, room cleaned, aids in there with mops mopping the floor and cleaning up the other kids in the room, changing their diapers, washing their faces and doing their hair, opening curtains, organizing stuff that's laying all over the place all in about ten minutes flat to try to make it look like their kid was taken care of the whole time. It was called “all men on deck” when this happened, they would even call people from other units for this so it's like we magically went from no staff to a ton of staff for ten minutes only.

The same thing happened when they got a call from the health inspectors. All blankets got pulled out of the closet because they weren't allowed in the closet with sterile items, no one was allowed to take off but they took half the staff and assigned them to cleaning, moving meds to the appropriate storage area, removing cleaning chemicals from the same area as the fluids and cartons of ensure and tube feed. They had so many violations it wasn't funny but knew exactly what needed fixed or removed before the health department and medical board visits. They had extra stuff they shoved in staff members' trunks of their car, in offices and all kinds of hiding spots then would just move it all back after they passed and it was over. I don't know why they never came unannounced. The nurse who used to leave her pager laying around didn't like me at all and would go into my kids rooms after I walked out and drop the bed rails on my kids beds to try to get me fired.

During my training they put me with a resident who was very sick. She had what they thought was the flu. She had a trach so couldn't control her cough which came right out of her tracheostomy, really bad diarrhea, a fever most of the first week I was there, the whole nine yards of being sick. Well after training I got sick but they had a one month probationary period in which you were not allowed to miss any days in that time and they said if you were sick you had to be checked out by one of the NP’s who would take your temperature and assess you to determine if you are healthy enough to work or not and only if they determined you were too sick were you allowed to take off during your probationary period. Well I got worse and worse and ended up developing pneumonia. So like her was hacking up a lung. I woke up with a temp of 103 and by the time I got to work my temp was 103.8.

I saw the NP and showed her the paperwork from urgent care where I had been diagnosed with pneumonia and stated my concern about spreading it to my kids who were all immunocompromised and high risk. The NP said I would be fine and told me to just wear a mask. I put on a mask and went to work. They gave me a ton of kids that day too, I want to say I had 12 that day so I was running around like a chicken with my head cut off, getting dizzy spells and I could feel my fever exploding. I could feel sweat running down my back and chest and kept having to wipe the sweat off from my face. I literally felt like I was going to fall over and die running around, lifting teenagers, and rushing around to try to keep up which was nearly impossible because of short staff anyhow. Well I started overheating and coughing so badly that I had to take off to a bathroom in the hall and started throwing up and was struggling to breathe from all of the mucus and feeling like my airway and sore throat was swollen up and totally full of mucus. My boss came in while I was throwing up and said “why aren't you out there doing your job. Of course I’m there in the stall hanging over the toilet with all the sound effects of my vomiting, coughing and wheezing and told her I was sorry but I have pneumonia and got too hot. She said “well you need to come out here and do your job and throw up on your own time” Yes she told me to throw up on my own time. I said what because I was throwing up and thought I misunderstood her and she said “I need you to throw up on your own time” like you can control something like that and as if they hadn’t trained me on a patient who was sick and very contagious earlier that month. She told me if I didn't get out there then she would be writing me up and if you get a writeup during your probation time you will lose your job; then she left.

About two minutes later I got to a point where I thought I may be able to make a run for the supply closet which was right across from the bathroom, ran over there and grabbed some of their mini garbage bags that go into the little feminine care product trash cans and spent the rest of the day, working and running around the corner into the patients bathrooms to throw up in the bags and throwing them into the hazmat containers. I felt terrible with my patients having to listen to me throwing up right beside them but the boss wouldn't let me go to the bathroom or go home saying I wasn't too sick to take off even throwing up about 15 more times throughout the day and so dizzy I had no idea how I didn't pass out in front of any of my kids. When I went home that day, I took my temperature and it was 105.2. And that was with taking fever reducing medication while at work. After lying down a while it went down to 104.8 and I had the next two days off thankfully but by the next morning I was in the hospital passing out over and over again, having trouble breathing and under rapid cooling protocol having cool IV fluids pumped into me, wet towels put on me, ice packs layered around me benign told by the staff that any job that makes you work when you're that sick isn't worth keeping and how they would have just walked out.

I still hadn't been there long, almost three months, when I went to the linen closet with the towels, wash cloths, chux etc. and it was totally empty except for one wash cloth so I went to the manager filling in for mine who was on maternity lead and told her the linen closet needed restocked. They never told me what to do in this situation so I didn't know if we had a number to call down to laundry for them to bring it up, had to send an aid down to bring up a cart of clean linen to restock the closet or it was our responsibility to go down and get a cart full of clean linen and stock the closet. There was no list of phone numbers by the phone or anything because I checked before I asked the manager and when I asked she was in the rec room full of children with intellectual and physical disabilities. I told her the closet needed restocked and asked if there's a number I need to call for more, if I go get it or how that works telling her no one had told me how this works when I started. She looked at me like I was a total idiot and said “I see we have another retard in here as if we don't already have enough!” right in front of those kids. Enough was enough at that point and at the end of the day I said I wasn’t coming back.

I bawled my eyes out having to leave that job because those kids became like your kids and the care they got was god awful. They deserved a lot more than lying in a bed in front of a tiny tv all day. The other nurses didn't even meet their most basic needs leaving them in overflowing diapers, I can't tell you how many mornings I walked in after second shift left to find dirty diapers laying in the kids beds including one that my residents knee was laying in because they couldn't even throw away a dirty diaper. Basic needs like personal care, rolling them and the needs to sustain life and keep them safe weren't even met but kids have many more needs than just those most basic ones.

There was a playground that was never once used. They had no volunteers or staff to take them out of their rooms for a walk, to take them to the play room and actually play with them, hold crayons in their hands and help them color or finger-paint with non toxic or edible finger paints, do things with the teens that most teens take for granted like painting their nails, reading them books, bringing around therapy animals or even having an in house therapy animal. They just left them in their beds or laying on the floor on a mattress pretty much all day and all night which isn't a way for a child to live regardless of their cognitive function. That job took everything I had to give and gave me almost a try to save the world mindset because I wanted these kids to have the lives they deserved.

There was even one of the kids labeled as combative who was deaf/blind who I really connected with who I looked into adopting. The other staff couldn't stand her, literally ripping through her hair, yanking her neck back, forcefully ripping her hands off of them, basically tossing her into her chair. Some of these nurses were physically abusive with her because she was basically just really grabby and it made them mad. I realized the actual problem is that she was Deaf/Blind and they would literally just grab her and do whatever they wanted to. She was scared. She didn't know who was grabbing her or what they were doing so would grab for the hands and face to try to figure out who had a hold of her. Everyone used to ask me why she wasn't grabby with me yet no one took my advice. I told them they had to let her know who they were and what they were doing. Let her touch their face and hands to know who was there and touch is totally normal. It was just grabbing because she would be in a panic but she would be very gentle if you took things a little slower and gave her a chance. I would go into her room and instead of just yanking her up out of bed, I would tap her on the arm or sometimes just sit down on her bed and she would feel the movement and move her hands around to try to find it so I would put my hand by one of her hands so she grabbed my fingers then move her fingers toward my face so she could find my face and feel it. A lot of the staff thought it was gross because she put her fingers in her mouth but we knew her medical break down and a little spit wasn't going to kill anyone. That's what baby wipes are for but I would let her feel my face so she knew who I was and she would calm down once she realized it was me.

If I was going to put her in her wheelchair I would tactile sign the word chair then pull her chair up to her bed and guide her hand over to it and put it on the wheels so she could feel it. If I picked her up, I would put my arms under her like I was going to pick her up but not actually lift her for about three seconds so she got used to knowing if I slid my hand behind her back and under her legs that I was about to pick her up and put her in her chair which she had already felt. If she needed a bath most of the staff threw her clothes in the bathroom and got the water going and stuff. Then yank her up and carry her in the bathroom with her having no idea what was going on. I would first put her in her chair and take her in her chair into the bathroom because once I put her in her chair and signed a bath I could get her clothes and diaper and such and sit it on her lap so she could feel them and realize that she was about to change clothes or take a bath. I would then wheel her into the bathroom and the tub had a sprayer and it was a wet room so if you got the floor wet it had a drain and didn't hurt anything. I would take her clothes from her and set them on the counter and then turn on the water to the right temperature and bring the sprayer down. If I touched her hand she would usually grab my fingers and I would pull her arm out to the side and put her hand under the water so she could feel it with her hand and knew she was going to take a bath. I put the hose in the tub basin and signed the bath again. Put my hand behind her back and under her knees again giving her a second for it to register that I was going to pick her up again, lift her and put her in the tub which was basically like lounge chair, take her clothes off starting slowly with her socks instead of a large piece of clothing that was more shocking then after taking her socks off moved to the larger pieces of clothing. When I went to spray her to get her wet I again put her hand under the water and then moved the sprayer slowly up her arm so she knew she was going to get wet, bathed her and dressed her.

If I changed her I would sign the diaper and give her the diaper to hold before taking her pants off or anything so she knew she was going to get a diaper change. Once I took off her pants, before removing her diaper I would get one baby wipe and put it in her other hand so when I took the diaper off she knew when I took the wipe away from her that she was about to feel the cool whip. If I did her hair, I would give her a comb and brush to hold and would take whatever one I needed at the time out of her hand and to make things easier, I actually taught myself how to French braid on her hair because French braiding it kept it from getting tangled and matted so combing out her hair wouldn't be so traumatic for her, especially when another staff member had her but she was really a very easy and laid back kid just very much misunderstood which is why I requested her as my permanent. I actually took the two kids on the unit that no one wanted and they were both great kids and I just don't understand how a medical facility can operate with such ignorance. So though it was hard to leave I feel like I made the best decision. When I left I called Children's Services, Our county's Department of Developmental Disabilities, The Medical Board and the Health Department hoping that even though I had to leave, the lives of those children would improve.

I have had many negative experiences with other medical workers both as a patient and as a nurse. There are so many unethical, abusive and neglectful medical personnel so I no longer live by the mindset that all medical personnel is good unless they prove otherwise, realizing just how rare good doctors, nurses and other medical personnel are to come by and now believe that they are all bad and have zero trust in them unless they can prove otherwise. It's very difficult and takes a very long time for medical personnel to gain my trust. I’ve had this trust for too many in the past who let me down so now that trust has to be gained over a long period of time. As I mentioned before, I have one doctor I have trust in and his name is Dr. Joseph. It took him almost two years to gain that trust and this is a doctor I see every two weeks so I have seen him more in two years than I see most doctors in ten years if this puts into perspective how long it takes to trust a doctor. Trust isn't something a lot of EDS patients have in the medical field but many have experiences similar to mine so it’s easy to understand why.

[tartrazeen]

@auguris :)

yes :)

yes yes yes :)

Before I start with throwing on some papaprika, let just do a friendly little

Hey father-son shippers, lots of love to you folks, but this post under this point isn't for you so please don't venture on past this, okay? HankCon fans wanna vent rn

Okay - yay, I don't want anyone wandering into anything spicy when they don't have to.

So THIS FUCKING MEME RIGHT HERE:

Like - whaaaaaaat? Excuse me?!

I've seen this so many times and definitely pointed it out to one other person at least, but the context of this scene is,

"The only answer from you that I can trust is am empathetic and honest recognition of how devasting my son's death was to me, in that I actively try not to bring it up because it's so painful, so the only way you'd know my son's name - just his name! - is if you went out of your way to learn about him and care. I need you to confirm (because I'm already leaning towards you being the right Connor) that I'm seeing true emotion in your eyes as you tell me the meaning of my son's name instead of just rattling it out as a fact. Tell me you know why this is my final question."

... and this super popular meme is like,

"lol fuck that kid, i'm your new one now, you're totally healthy to raise me in a safe environment right? because having a new kid fixes everything and has insta-cured your depression!"

And that's such a common take!

Connor and Hank have an extremely unhealthy dynamic throughout the game. The context of that unhealthiness changes - first it's Hank's active racism against androids (the minority stand-in), then it's Connor's internalized racism against androids taking centre stage, then it's Hank's quasi-existential crisis and epiphany (which can go either way), and then it's just the sheer fact that Hank has been slowly killing himself (and haha it wasn't a joke when he says that on the bridge) and can only now begin the process to heal. And recovery isn't in a straight line! There are relapses!

Hank isn't just canonically suicidal - he's an alcoholic, which I stress because there's 'technically' (I guess) a case to be made in a fic that the suicidal thoughts and intentions were in-the-moment impulses spurred on by the depression and drinking. Take the drinking away, maybe he doesn't go to that dark place while he's sober. But breaking out of the effects of alcoholism is a physical change to your body that takes months of consistent, dedicated effort to escape, and includes all the wonders of withdrawal, pain, hygiene, smell, energy... And I'm just talking physical symptoms - slap on the mental symptoms and relapses and the fact that something led to that drinking and still needs to be dealt with: Cole's death.

So even if - even if - we get past the part where Hank is apparently taking his son to strip clubs, holding a gun to his son's face, threatening to throw his son into a dumpster and setting it on fire, or how you can go the entire game without bringing up Cole at all, and just try to believe that Hank sees a perfect match between his six-year-old child three years ago and this thirty-year-old looking adult now, and assume that this literal assassin who murdered his way into CyberLife for the revolution after changing his mind about assassinating the revolution leader and then volunteering for his own suicide mission is totally okay to be like, "Sure, I'll be your little child :3," instead of simply staying as adult friends and maintaining an adult mentor/mentee relationship (which is an actual option that father-son shippers never take)...

that's the environment they want this father-son relationship to happen in?!?!

WHAT

FOR REAL, WHAT

Why is there so much pressure to force Hank and Connor into this weird father-son interpretation when they ended the story as friends, as if for some reason the entire relationship is meaningless unless you slap a parent-child label on it?

Why are Hank and Connor not allowed to be a found family unless they're warped into being related somehow?

Why is THIS the dynamic?!?!

How is THAT the conclusion that got drawn?!

It's so messed up!!

AHHHHHHHHHHH

i fully believe 90% of the people shipping HankCon are just using it as an excuse to fetishize gay men

[poppyssupergirl]

Uhm, nah, money is quite the motivator for me.

Awesome! Thank you for the resources!

Mhh, no story writing is neutral, v true. And I totally see your point of view, but being able to "fuck Cat with an actual peins" is neither an upside nor the point of that story. Did you read chapter 1? That story is not about a trans person. You're picking out one characteristic and applying a label that doesn't apply here. If a trans person finds even a little comfort in that fic and headcanons her as trans, then by golly I hope they do.

But, to me, the writer, Kara is not trans in that story and I'll tell you why. When I do write a trans character, I'm going to do it right. I'm not going to slap a sticker on a chick with a dick and go "look! I made trans representation". I'm going to put that character into the trans community, talk about what transitioning means to them, talk about life for them, not just plunk them into a sex scene that they haven't talked about at all with their partner!

Chapter 1 talked about genetics and how Cat was down with this. But did it cover literally anything about being trans for Kara? No! Like, if Kara was trans in that story, what makes Kara feel comfortable and safe? What words set her off? What actions are unacceptable? Is she okay with penetration? Etc...

I don't want Kara, in this story, to be taken as trans representation because I will have done an absolutely trash job of it. I'm just some geneticist who was given the cash moolahs and wrote what I thought would be a cool background. I can't dictate how the reader will interpret this, but if I could, this is what I would like them to think: in this story, Kara isn't trans because she has no depth as a trans character and can change her genitalia at will (which I kinda think would be crazy toxic as trans representation since, as far as I know, people spend a ton of time and effort transitioning so they feel safe with their own bodies. They're most likely not going to jump around between genitalia for funsies.)

If someone reblogged this story under the header "trans representation" I would ask them to delete it. I will do better for trans people, this was a tiny commission that does not give trans people the depth and realism that they deserve. As science fiction, it's cool (to a geneticist at least), as anything else, it just isn't.

Hi! "Kara sometimes has a penis because alien biology" is good and fun, but have you considered "Kara has a penis simply because she's trans"? There are no aliens among us (as far as we know), but there are trans women who could use the representation.

1. I totes agree with you! The story I was commissioned to write was alien biologyness though, so another time! 

2. I love talking about genetics and alien biologyness allowed me to do so, which is awesome. 

(Also, this was for my writing that’s for the Supergirl fandom which can be found @poppyssupergirl btw!)