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icanseethefuture333 · 1 year ago

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Glamour Witch 🕯

A guide to confidence, beauty, & self love 🪞🩰🦢🍒💌

How I made glamour magick efficient for me and why working with the goddess Aphrodite shifted my self concept + help me connect to the divine feminine 🕊

First let's do a back story on my relationship with my matron 🌸:

My spiritual awakening happened when I was 17 years old after experiencing the loss of a loved one and coping with past trauma. I went into my adolescence with fear, agony, and poor self esteem. I was very much so a tomboy as a teenager (to this day I still have masculine qualities that I am now proud of and balanced it with my feminine side) but I was so out of touch with what being a "girl" was. I felt really self conscious about not being "woman" enough and had a complicated view on my gender (since I realized I was nonbinary at 14). I became interested in the occult since I grew up in a spiritual household (crystals, manifestation, etc) but never really got to engage with things like tarot or witchcraft because it was considered taboo. I had a reading done one day and I was told that Aphrodite wanted to work with me as my deity. My teenage self was confused by this because I thought - "The goddess of beauty and love wanted to work with me? Well that can't be right." I was expecting something more dark or cool like Hades or Hermes or whatever because that was just my personal style since I dressed very alternatively. I was nervous, but also intrigued. As I begun to pray to her and started doing spellwork - I felt safe, I felt loved, it was like a mother watching over me. I started learning how to do makeup for my ethnic features and became more educated about fashion and what it means to really be a true feminist. I learned to say fuck the binary system and made my own definition of not what just being a "woman" is but also what being "feminine" meant to me, period. You can be whatever you want to be and be beautiful regardless of what your appearance is like. Some days I want to wear snapbacks and sneakers, other times I wanna wear high heels with a flattering dress. I do what makes me feel comfortable and that's nobody's business but mine. Society made us believe that being sensitive, caring, or intuitive - the traits of the divine feminine (which we have in us all) as bad when it's not. There's strength in being soft and delicate. Be gentle towards yourself, my loves.

Embrace your shadow self to manifest your dream life ✨️:

You know what people will never tell you or admit to you on social media? Is that you can be self conscious and still be confident at the same time. Confidence is just being comfortable with yourself and knowing despite what you've been through or are feeling in the moment, it should not hold you back from achieving your fullest potential. Like Megan Thee Stallion said "Bad bitches have bad days too" And it's true! I have my good days and then I have my bad days, but even when I'm doubting or losing my faith, I always get back up by keep going. Why? It's because if I stop then I'm not living. I'm not being grateful for the life I still have while there are people out there battling severe illnesses and don't have much time left. Nobody wants to be candid and only want to portray themselves as perfect, when nobody is. It's a damaging narrative to think you have to be popping on social media and always staying positive. I don't know why being vulnerable is such a stigma these days. Everyone is scared of being hurt, sure, but there is so much power in knowing what you makes you happy and being able to voice what your wants/needs are. You get to live for yourself and not what others want you to be. Not to mention the importance of having the power and ability to set the boundaries your inner child probably never got to have?! I'm so tired of people spreading the belief of that you shouldn't talk about mental health, trauma, or personal fears because it makes you seem "weak" or "easy prey". That is the same tactics abusers use to make their victims stay hushed and makes them not able to stand up for themselves. That way of thinking is victim blaming! If you as a person, feel brave enough to discuss what the fuck is going on in your mind that does not make you a weakling, that makes you strong as hell. They are the weak ones for taking advantage of people who were already suffering. It's time to forgive yourself for your past mistakes and acknowledge what happened, but do not let it control you. You don't have to let go or get over it, it's okay if it's still a wound for you but you can choose to make it better by creating a better future by working with your higher self. Think about who you want to be, how you want to appear, what career you aspire to have, etc. Either write it down, visualize, or make a vision board. Release the old version of you and thank them for helping you survive.

I have been reading the book Mirror Work by Louise Hay and it entails about how the negative things people said or the difficult experiences we had dealt with in our lifetime gets stored in our subconscious mind. When we make jokes that are self depreciating or engage in self degrading behavior, it harms us even more, preventing us from maturing or loving ourselves. Doing shadow work is uncomfortable for everyone but it is a must to process the patterns in your life and learn as to why you become the person you are today. Being aware of your triggers and what makes you tick. Can make you more emotionally intelligent and be able to have a healthier conversation as well as creating lasting positive connections.

Books I recommend for subconscious reprogramming, shadow work, & healing from trauma:

Mirror Work by Louise Hay

"The Courage to" book series by Ichiro Kishimi & Fumitake Koga

Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud & Dr. John Townsend

The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle

The Self Confidence Workbook by Barbara Markway & Celia Ampel

Psychology of The Unconscious by Dr. Carl Jung

It Didn't Start With You by Mark Wolynn

You can also find shadow work prompts on pinterest.

Don't just say it, do it! 11 ways to actually practice self care:

Making a goal and actually putting the effort in can be tough for some individuals, especially for those diagnosed with depression. That's why it's important to be patient with yourself and understand that healing is a journey, not a race! A youtuber I have been enjoying and watching lately is the critically acclaimed, thewizardliz: An Iranian woman who gives advice on confidence, discipline, and more! A video that I watched of hers recently was called and bluntly titled: "How to stop being lazy & pathetic". In most of liz's videos she is someone who is tough but is also tender. She explains that when we are procrastinating it's because we are thinking of just the end goal, which scares us and makes us overthink about what to do or how to do it. When really, we can just take small, simple steps at a time to reach towards what we wish to accomplish, so that way it will feel less intimidating. If you have a essay that's due for example, try to write a few sentences each day, or think about how good it would feel if you were to get a good grade on your paper. Think of it this way - Would you rather slack and be upset you failed? Or would you rather prevent that from happening so you can be proud of what you achieved? Figure out what motivates you as a person and write it down so you can always be reminded of the confident being you wish to become.

Journaling: This is such a crucial hobby that I believe everyone should have. Writing down your thoughts or feelings helps not only increases your intelligence and brain health, but it also helps navigate your feelings better when you are facing a problem. You are able to reflect inward and discover the different parts of your psyche that you never knew you had.

Art: Divine feminine energy embodies the source of creation and life. The same way people with wombs give birth to children, an artist's project can be their beautiful baby. Find what type of art form brings you peace and allows you to express yourself (poetry, songwriting, dancing, painting, woodcarving, etc).

Exercise: I know this is something that some people struggle with (me included 💀) and when people hear that it's like "Ugh, I don't wanna work out! It's too hard!" but just hear me out okay? We have to exercise so our internal organs can stay healthy. When we don't take care of ourselves by not at least taking 15 minutes out of our day by walking, exercising, or cardio, when there is 24 hours in a day... That is a major neglect to yourself. Just remember that it is a privilege that you still have the ability to move, jump, lift, run, squat, and even more. When there are people who suffer from chronic pain and disabilities that are still making sure to take care of their physical health because they have no other choice. When you think about how you're too "lazy" and you can't do it because of your "laziness", think of those people! Cherish the health that you have before it's too late. You can start by stretching, going for walks, or watching workout videos for beginners on YouTube.

Build a schedule: Having a routine is so important because it helps reduce stress and organizes the task that we have to do throughout our day. Make a sleep schedule for yourself as well. Going to bed late until 3 am in the morning or waking up too early is unsafe and makes you less alert when you are out in the world. So please be careful! Try to at least get 6 hours of sleep a day. Drinking tea, taking a warm bath, or using essential oils can help you fall asleep if you don't like using melatonin.

Cleanliness & Hygiene: It's unfortunate that I have to say this but some people were not taught by their parents on how to be clean. Or how cishet men feel that being hygienic is "gay". That's absurd! Everyone should have a clean house, clean body, and a good hygiene routine. There is no excuse for that. Even when I was depressed I still would get up to brush my teeth or wash my hair because I knew that if I were to ever go too long without taking care of my hygiene I'd have to deal with damaging my teeth, hair, or skin. Everything has a cause and effect when you neglect doing self care and that could also be apart of the reason why you feel so down about your looks is due to that lack of poor hygiene. It doesn't have to be anything extravagant and you don’t need to do a 10 step skincare routine all the time. You can buy beauty products for cheap at off price retail stores and can get combs, toothbrushes, etc, at the dollar store. All you gotta do is wash your face and shower daily (scrub in between your ass cheeks, please and thank you 💀), brush your teeth at least 3 or more times a day, moisturize with lotions, use a sunscreen (cus nobody got time for skin cancer), apply deodorant, and that's literally it. You can use toners, serums, and skin treatments if you feel like it but that’s not neccessary unless you have specific concerns (acne, wrinkles, etc).

Personal finance 💵: As a Capricorn ♑️, there is nothing more important to me than having my own money. Knowing how to budget and being responsible with your funds is so crucial. You can manifest prosperity and be wealthy, but if you don't know what to do with a million dollars, how could you ever receive it? It is so attractive when someone is wise with their money. I took elective classes in high school for commercial art, marketing, and personal finance so that way I could learn to how to be independent as an adult and not have to "hustle" or live the struggle life. Always take care of your household bills (utilities, repairs, gas for the car, etc.) first and then leave a certain amount for yourself for when you want to have fun, go shopping, etc. Learn about how to make an investment, as well as stocks, because that is another way that you can make a lot of money (and no I don't mean Crypto or NFTs 😭)

Education is key 📚: READ HEAUXS REEEEAD 👓 Make those sapiosexuals quiver with your big sexy brain 🧠. I just feel like in general we need to be knowledgeable about our history and *Jaden Smith voice* the political state of the world right now. Being dismissive and ignorant is a major turn off. You have to be able to know how to communicate in certain settings or talk about certain subjects, or else you're gonna just look and sound dumb. I don't care if you like to read about insects or flowers, just find a topic that interests you.

Boundaries: A simple way to start implementing self care into your daily routine is by being able to say "Yes." Or "No." I know for women it is hard to assert themselves and say no especially when there is a grimy ass man tryna flirt with you (ayoooo shawty 🤓), but for your own protection you gotta do it. When people know you are not stern and you are not able to defend yourself, they take advantage of that. It makes you an easy target. Let's say for a example, you have a overbearing parent that constantly drains and takes from your energy. This parent doesn't respect you and makes you feel bad about yourself because you let them. When they ask you for something, you can just say; "Thank you but I will not be doing that. It would be an inconvenience for me right now because I have to focus on ___" or "I would prefer not to do that because I have to do ___ this week and it's very important". Even if it's not anything actually important, still say no. Another example is if you have a friend that's toxic and is not elevating you in any type of way (mentally, emotionally, or finacially). Then tell them that and cut them off. You are not obligated to stay around anyone who brings you down. Here is a list of ways to set boundaries professionally. Also learn to stop over apologizing here is what you can do instead. Margot Robbie learned to say "Thank you" instead of saying "sorry" because of Barbie.

Meditation 🧘🏽‍♀️: A useful skill in embracing your thoughts, whether they are positive or negative, to help in finding your inner zen. Meditation was something that was tricky for me at first. Most people say to "empty your mind and be still" when meditating and for someone with ADHD, I was like... "Umm, this is boring 💀???" but overtime I tried it a few times again and have grown to appreciate it! I learned that meditation was actually quite helpful for me, especially when I felt burdened with too many tasks, or was dealing racing thoughts. It just really helped me calm down, especially when I was feeling overwhelmed (for people who experience sensory overloads I highly recommend!). I no longer feel ashamed or fearful of when a intrusive thought crosses my mind. I just simply let that thought pass through and go on about my day. The average young adult has over 6,000 thoughts a day, so why would I give something so meaningless power? I am in control of myself and what I react to. For this, it will allow you to do the same.

Spend time with a loved one: I'm sure we all have someone who we consider our comfort person or a special pet that makes us feel calm. Humans are animals, sometimes we need that social interaction to stay sane during troubling times. Make a phone call, text, or plan to meet up with a friend or family member this week. Maybe even step out of your comfort zone and ask an acquaintance out for lunch.

Be brave: Remember what I said about stepping out of your comfort zone? That's right. It's time to stop living a life of regrets and live a life of excitement. I want you to think about something you've been really wanting to do lately but haven't pursued it yet because of fear, doubt, or limiting beliefs. Take a deep breath and release it to the universe, your spirit guides, or any deity that you worship. Maybe there is a person you have a crush that you have been wanting to ask out lately or have been wanting to dye your hair a new color but were afraid of how it would turn out. Whatever it is, just have courage to go after what you want for once. For being brave is just about taking a leap of faith, even when you are scared.

How to awaken your inner goddess ✨️:

Loving yourself shouldn't be a chore, it should be a ritual baby 😌! Now for my beginner witches or practioners in closed practices. I know it can be intimidating to start doing deity work. That's why you have to take things slow and go at your own pace. I always recommend starting with doing a cleansing (burning incense, spraying florida water, etc) or a protection spell before doing any other kind of magick. Even though yes, I do worship Aphrodite, it is not neccessary for people to only go to her for a "glow up". There are sooooo many deities who are also gods or goddesses of love, beauty, etc. Naturally, a deity will show you signs that they wish to work with you, so makw sure to be on the look out for that!

Also if you are a woman of color like mwuahhh 😘 then here are a list of deities that also represent love, confidence, beauty, fertility, & creativity in African, Asian, Indigenous, & Pacific Islander religions:

Oshun (closed practice / Yoruba)

Yenaya (closed practice / Yoruba)

Hathor

Bastet

Isis

Astarte

Rati (Hinduism)

Lakshimi (Hinduism)

弁才天 / Benzaiten (Japanese Buddhism)

자청비 / Jacheongbi

仰阿莎 / Yang Asha

Li��u Hạnh

Mayari

Laka

Xochiquetzal

Estsanatlehi

Other deities are:

Apollo, Cupid, Eros, Priapus, Min, Brigid, & Dionyus

There is also ascended masters, saints, archangels, ancestors, & spirit guides that you can connect with. I recommend building a relationship with your ancestors first.

How to talk your deity:

Create an altar for them or a sacred space.

Cleanse the area to avoid interacting with trickster spirits.

Place offerings on the table (make sure to look up what offerings they like!).

Light a candle or burn incense for them.

Write them a letter or pray. You can ask them for help with your specific needs or just talk to them about your day or how you are currently feeling.

BE CONSISTENT! Deities are not one of your little friends, they are gods/goddesses. Show them respect by praying, including them in spellwork, and giving them offerings frequently (they are understanding if you cannot give them food or drinks all the time though if you cannot afford it).

The final boss, The Enchantress 🔮❄️:

"SHADOW MONEY WIZARD GANGGG! We love casting spells 😈"

Alright, alright. I know you guys were reading all this thinking "Bitch where tf is the tutorial??? 😭" BUT WHAT I HAD TO SAY WAS IMPORTANT SO YOU CAN HAVE LONG TERM RESULTS 💀! Here is the moment you've all been waiting forrr 🤭!

101 on Glamour Magick:

The days of the week are connected to the planets.

Friday is a good day for casting love and beauty spells since it's ruler is Venus. While on Monday you can cast spells for healing & enhancing psychic powers, since it's ruler is the Moon. Thursday's ruler is Jupiter so you can cast spells for money and prosperity.

Buy a mirror that is for your special use only (If someone ends up accidently using it it's okay nothing bad will happen to them). Spray it with a window cleaner and wipe it down counter clockwise, say what your intention is for the mirror as you clean it. You can buy any kind of mirror you like (compact mirror, hand held mirror, desktop mirror, etc).

You can use your mirror for scrying or seeing into the future (divination).

When doing your mirror work, look into your eyes, and affirm to yourself. It can be anything you wish to say. Just let it flow naturally. It might feel uncomfortable at first but as you continue to practice it you will feel more confident about it.

Include your deity while affirming. (When I do this, I show appreciation to Aphrodite, and thank her for blessing me with such beauty and grace. Even when in the moment I don't have the results I wish to see, I know it is going to happen because I have faith in her.)

Ask your ancestors what their beauty rituals and regimes were. Doing routines that your ancestors did will create a closer bond with them and also build confidence in your ethnic features.

Items that are represented as love: roses, cinnamon, honey, sugar, vanilla, coriander, basil, chamomile, carnations, tulips, lockets, keys, & hearts

Items that are represented as beauty: cowrie shells, orchids, peony, ribbons, veils, & bows

Items that help enhance intuition: seashells, conch shells, rosemary, lotuses, & feathers

Chinese guashas & jade rollers help reduce stress, tension, and puffiness in your facial muscles. It can also help sculpt your face.

African waistbeads were worn by women under their clothes to help slim their waist and also attract love. Depending on the crystals used, it would also help manifest abundance.

Some beauty crystals used for love, beauty, & intuition are: Rose quartz, jade, pink tourmaline, moonstone, amethyst, selenite, garnet, carnelian, and turquoise.

You can carve sigils or symbols onto your candle, an easy one to use is the venus symbol ♀️.

A list of meanings for the scents of the candle, wax, or deodorizer in your home. Here is the list for incense.

Candles are great to seal your spell jars or use on their own for magick.

A list of different burning sticks you can use (smudging, white sage, and Palo Santo is a closed practice)

The scent of your perfume can be used for seduction or attracting love/popularity.

Soap, shampoo, or conditioner can be used to cleanse your energy.

Ingredients in foods, cleaning, haircare, skincare, or beauty products can have magical properties that you can attract towards you or your home. (I.E: Lavendar for peace & tranquility, Lemon for warding off negative energy, & Vanilla for love)

"The hair theory" trend is a form of glamour magick. Doing your hair differently can create a new persona and change how people perceive you.

Depending on your hair color it can represent the elements.

Your hair texture can symbolize what power you possess: Coily hair grows upward and rises towards the sun. When using their awareness, they are highly observant and courageous. Coily hair has the fire element. Curly hair breaks hexes and spiritually protects the mind. Due to it's volume and resemblance to a cloud, it has the air element. People with wavy hair are intuitive, affectionate, and sensitive, their element is water. Straight hair is the most connected to the earth. People with this hair texture can be introverted, dependable, and grounded.

Your hair length signifies your current state of energy.

Short hair is connected to father sky.

Long hair is connected to mother earth.

It is best to cut your hair when you are in need of releasing stress, anguish, and turmoil.

You can set your intentions into the hair that you braid.

Black people can cornrow patterns or symbols onto their scalp for manifestation.

Locs symbolize freedom and wisdom from the ancestors.

Twists can be used for spiritual binding.

Read here for more on hair witchcraft & hair astrology.

Wearing headscarves, hijabs, bonnets, durags, or hats can protect you from the evil eye or if you're an empath, it can protect your energy from being drained in public spaces.

Do not make any physical changes during a Venus retrograde.

Plastic surgery can alter one's identity. It is like putting on a different mask. It can become an addiction to people who feel lost in life. While for others it can give them a new path to start on.

You can paint sigils or symbols for nail art.

The nail shape you have or get done at a salon can correspond to Onychomancy (https://www.tiktok.com/@taisoleil/video/7035737221068082479?_t=8etXLhtR3LH&_r=1)

You can also use yours or other's eyebrows for divination.

Straight eyebrows: someone who is level headed. Round eyebrows: someone who is compassionate with a kind heart. Arched eyebrows: someone who is independent. Thick eyebrows: someone who can be stubborn and goal oriented. Thin eyebrows: someone who is bold and daring. No eyebrows: someone who is a risk taker and can be careless. The unibrow: symbolizes good luck, fertility, & serendipity.

Your eyelashes are for good luck (which is why people make a wish on fallen lashes, they are similar to dandelions).

Different lash styles can be used as a "barricade".

Manga/spiked lashes: makes you appear pure & innocent, can get away with stuff more. Fluffy lashes: depending on the thickness, it can resemble a spider, therefore can cause someone to have a intensive aura. Cat/hybrid lashes: Increase in clairvoyance, see past the 3D, and have the senses of a feline. Natural lashes: The gaze will be comforting and welcoming to others, they can see into your soul.

Your eye color can mean what powers you have for spells. Colored contacts can create a different outcome.

Glasses can be used for insight and enlightenment. While sunglasses or shades, can make you more mysterious/hide your identity.

For those with periods, cycle syncing can help with increasing productivity.

Depending on your body shape, weight, & features it could symbolize your status in society.

In ancient Greece, people who were voluptuous with plump bellies were seen as healthy & rich. It was a sign of being well fed and treated like royalty.

In Africa & Southeast Asia, long necks signify having dignity & elegance.

Being tall could be seen as powerful, while being short could be seen as delicate. If you are average height, you could be seen as harmonious.

Physiognomy is the method of using the face & body for divination. In China, it is a popular method for readings.

Moles, birthmarks, & skin tags are believed to be the sign of being a Witch.

Vitiligo can mean spiritual purification & finding beauty in your imperfections.

It has been said that freckles are kisses from the angels. These people themselves can be described as earth angels or have a closer connection with archangels.

The form of your freckles can symbolize different things. If they form in a straight line, it could mean you are a focused person. If they are scattered, you like to go with the flow in life. If your freckles come and go during the seasons, you like to experience change or excitement often in your life.

Freckles & beauty marks overall show signs of a person having a unique character.

The clothing you wear can have a mystical effect.

Baggy/layered clothing: spiritually protective. Revealing clothing: free spirited & alluring. Patterned clothing: Makes you illusive or hard to decipher. Animal print clothing: embodies the energy of said animal (I.E: Tiger print would make you appear cunning & fierce). Colorful clothing: your spirit will seem more youthful & vivacious.

The shoes you wear can make you walk into new opportunities unexpectedly.

You can keep a piece of paper that has a spell in your shoes for good luck or attracting your desire.

Buying shoes and watches for your romantic partner is bad luck in hoodoo (Shoes can make someone walk out the door and leave forever. While watches can make someone look at the time they have left with you.)

Earrings can help you hear what others say about you or what gossip is going around. (I heard the most compliments the other day while wearing my gold hoops 💫)

A necklace that has a charm or crystal can be used as a tailsmans, amulet, or pendulum.

Wearing rings on which hand or finger could enhance your abilities.

The same way there is money bowls, you can also make love or beauty bowls, or even use your jewelry box.

You can use color magick when doing your makeup or choosing an outfit.

Primer, lotions/moisturizers, body butters, oils, and gels can be used for sigils.

Foundation is for stability and being secure with yourself.

Concealer "cloaks" or "veils" your weaknesses or insecurities.

Contour makes space and structure for your desire.

Eyeliner can be used as a tool. It wards off negative spirits & people with bad intentions.

In ancient Egypt, the use of Kohl represented rank and achievement.

Mascara can be used to give you a different perspective in things or make you more open minded.

Eyeshadow enhances your eyes & brings more depth or dimension. Makes your gaze hypnotic & enticing like a siren's.

Highlighter shines your best qualities.

Bronzer makes your presence more warm & friendly

Blush is for playfulness, youthfulness, flirtation, and vitality.

The lip product you use can speak your desires into fruition. It also make your words sound more beautiful. People will want to listen more because they will feel attracted to your voice.

Lip gloss: makes your intentions "stick" to you. Lipstick: Leaves a "mark" on your target (especially if it's someone you fancy 💋). Lip stain: makes your words have a permanent effect on people, they won't forget you. Flavored lip balms: makes your kisses addicting.

Powder enhances your spell & adds a touch of good luck.

Setting spray finishes the spell.

528 Hz is the frequency of love.

Listening to frequencies, music, & subliminals can attract your desires.

You can make a playlist for your deity or ancestors to channel messages from them.

Here are some celebrities who used mirror work or glamour magick to manifest:

Beyoncé's Renaissance album has themes of having a good self concept, knowing your worth, manifesting self love & abundance.

Marilyn Monroe used visualization & affirmations to manifest her beauty and fame: “I daydreamed chiefly about beauty. I dreamed of myself becoming so beautiful that people would turn to look at me when I passed.”

Michael Jackson would keep sticky notes and a diary full of affirmations in his room by his mirror: “I'm beautiful (4x). I'm gorgeous. [Bad..?] Is for me, who can be against me? I'm beautiful. I'm a new person now. Beautiful, knowing the secret, and determined with fire[?] to move mountains in all I do. Molding my own world. I'm beautiful. The old me is behind. I will much ahead anew. - MJ”

Alexa Demie stated in a interview with Vogue that she would say affirmations in the mirror daily in the morning and it helped her manifest clear skin: “I have beautiful, clear, acne-free, scar-free skin.”

Princess Nokia is a bruja and is well known for her constant change in appearance: “Casting spells with my cousins / I'm the head of this coven / I'm a shapeshifting bitch, you don't know who you loving.”

Thanks so much for reading, I wish you all the best of luck on your journey 🤍🤍🤍

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heavyhitterheaux · 5 months ago

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Ghost Part 5 (NSFW)

AN: It's been a while, but we're back 🤭🤭

Synopsis: Jack comforts you when he finds out that you're going through a difficult time and you got a lot more than you bargained for. Now you have to make a decision regarding the future between you and him

Pairing: Jack Harlow x Reader

Do not engage if underage

Please Do Not Repost My Content Anywhere

Walking into work on Monday morning, you were extremely nervous. It did take some convincing on Jack’s part, but you did in fact delete your Only Fans account by the end of that very same night. Now all you had to do was hope and pray no one saw it that was associated with your job.

Once you dropped Ace off at daycare, you made your way down the long hallway in order to get to your classroom and was in for a surprise once you did.

Sitting near your desk was Alicia Hamilton who was the principal of the school. The interactions that you had with her in the past were always pleasant and she always made it a point to ask about Ace and ask about how you were seeing as she was also a single mother and knew how hard it could be at times.

“Alicia, to what do I owe the pleasure?” You asked as you smiled at her, a smile that she in fact did not return. Instead it was a look of seriousness.

“Y/N, it was brought to my attention that you have an Only Fans account that involves explicit material.”

And there it was.

“What exactly does that have to do with my job? I do that outside of here and shouldn't get penalized for it.” You answered as you stood your ground.

“Trust me, Y/N I get it. However I have had numerous complaints and my phone has been ringing nonstop since this past weekend.”

“Alicia, you of all people know how hard it is to live on a teachers salary and be a single mom. I had to do something to make sure that Ace could eat. And I was in college when I did that.” You told her as you tried to plead your case.

“Y/N, I adore you and you are an amazing teacher, but my hands are tied. We could lose funding over this. If there was a way that I could fix this and make it all better, I would but as of right now I can't. I have to let you go. Ace can still come to daycare and get a discount. I just can't allow you to teach here anymore.”

“But…”

“I have a substitute coming for you all this week and you’ll be able to pack up your classroom after school lets out.”

“Just keep everything. I clearly don't have a use for it anymore.”

“Y/N…”

Without another word, you grabbed your purse and made your way back down the long hallway. You decided to let Ace stay the rest of the day while you had absolutely no idea what you were going to do.

As you settled into your car, the waterworks started and you didn't even stop them from rolling down your face. You knew deep down that this was eventually going to happen and you had no clue what to do in order to move forward. In no way, shape, or form did you blame Jack for posting your picture because there were only good intentions behind it. But now, it was probably going to be ten times harder for you to find another job.

Moving back home didn't sound like a bad idea at the moment, but you couldn't do that to Jack after all the progress he's made with Ace.

You simply sent Jack a text because you needed a few days for yourself and to think this through and you needed to have a clear head.

You- Hey, can you take Ace for a few days?

Jack- Yes, is everything okay?

You- It's fine, I just need some time to figure some things out

Jack- Are you sure that you're okay? Just let me know if you need anything from me.

You- I promise I'm fine, if you could pick him up today from daycare that would be perfect

Jack- Whatever you need

Jack told you that Ace was excited to spend a few days with him, but he was also concerned about you. He felt as if there was something that you were keeping from him and he made it his mission to facetime you after he put Ace to sleep.

Currently you were stuffing your face with some stuffed pasta shells that you had made earlier when your phone rang. You glanced to see that it was Jack and sighed. You didn't want to talk to anyone, but had to make sure that it didn't have anything to do with Ace.

“Hey.” You softly said as you propped your phone up so that you could continue eating and Jack could immediately tell that something was wrong.

“Y/N, something is wrong and don't lie to me and say that it's nothing.”

“It's nothing for you to worry about. I can deal with it.”

“I went to pick up Ace and when he took me to see you in your classroom, you were nowhere to be found.”

“I guess not because I don't work there anymore.”

Jack's eyes went wide.

“Fuck. It's because of me, isn't it?”

“I don't blame you for it happening if that's what you're thinking.”

“But it's my fault.”

“It was going to happen eventually. I figured that it would only be a matter of time. Where's my baby?” You responded while trying to shrug it off.

“Our baby is sleeping.”

You glanced at the time on the clock that was hanging on the wall in your kitchen and saw that it was a little past 8 at night. You were happy to see that Jack was keeping him on his normal schedule.

“Hmm.”

“His bedtime is 7:30 so the same thing goes when he comes over here. But we aren't done talking about your job so stop trying to change the subject.”

“There’s nothing left to say. It's just going to be ten times harder for me to find another job teaching.”

“Just take a break and relax for a while.”

“Jack, bills do not stop and I don't have the luxury of doing that.”

“You have me and I'm going to take care of it. Y/N, you aren't in this by yourself anymore.”

“No. I'm not a golddigger and we aren't even together so that doesn't sit right with me.”

“Don't you think I know that by now? Just let me help you. How does it look if I let the mother of my child struggle when she doesn't have to.”

All you did was shake your head and Jack looked at you confused.

“What's that face for? Just let me do this to help you.”

"Why, Jackman? Why now? Where was all of this compassion you had for me when I was pregnant with your child and scared shitless because I literally had NO ONE.” You asked him as you threw your fork down.

“Because we're moving towards a better future, that's why. I know that you have a right to be pissed at me for a million lifetimes all because I was too scared to step up and take care of my responsibilities. But I promise that will never happen again. My parents and Clay would kill me if it did.”

“You've made promises to me in the past and they proved to be empty.”

“This time it won't be.” Jack replied as you took a deep breath.

“Please don't make me regret this.”

You noticed that Jack wasn't looking directly at you and figured that he was doing something on his phone.

“Send me all your expenses for the month so I can add it to my bank account to come out automatically. And I also just put 5,000 in your account and I don't want to hear a word out of you. I'm doing this.”

“But…”

“Matter of fact since I know you'll be free for a little while, pack a bag with a few outfits and you can come over tonight or tomorrow. I think tonight would be better since you won't have to get up so early.”

“Wait, what? For what?”

“I have a few interviews and appearances to do so I'm bringing you and Ace with me. I already posted about having a son so it's not a secret. That way we can really spend time together like an actual family. I know Ace will be excited about that.”

Well, he didn't say anything that was wrong and you had absolutely nothing to lose.

“Fine, give me an hour.”

“Okay, let me get the guest room ready for you. And pick between lavender or vanilla.”

“Oh, you do this for all the girls that stay at your house? And what am I picking this for?”

“No, only for the special girls and you happen to be the first one. I also want you to be the last one if you’ll let me but we'll address that later. Now pick one.”

“I… lavender.”

“Okay your bath will be ready when you get here too.”

“Jackman!”

“See you soon, babe.”

It was around 10 at night when you finally reached his house and knocked on the door. Once he opened it, he was all smiles and took your bag from you and moved to the side so you could pass the threshold.

“I have everything set up for you, come on and follow me.”

Climbing the stairs of his house, you took in your surroundings because you literally hadn't been in it for more than five minutes. You saw multiple awards decorating the walls along with a few pictures of him and Ace, Clay, and his parents. Jack led you into what you assumed was his bedroom and he set your things in his closet.

“I have a little more room in here than the guest room closet does so I put your things in there and my bathroom is bigger so I have everything set up for you in there.”

“You definitely didn't have to do this.” You replied walking into the bathroom and you were in awe. The smell of lavender hit your nose upon entering and were surprised to see that multiple candles were lit. Jack came up behind you to throw in a lavender bath bomb as you were taking it all in. You couldn't even remember the last time someone did something like this for you.

“So that's why you asked me if I wanted lavender or vanilla?” You said and he simply nodded.

“Water is warm and I want you to take all the time you need. Your towel is here along with your robe….”

“What? My own robe?” You asked, cutting Jack off.

“Yes, I got it earlier today. I knew that something had happened and I picked up some things in order to help you hopefully feel better.”

“Well I appreciate you doing this for me. Can't remember the last time that someone was this nice to me.” You said and you caught Jack off guard as you went to hug him. After the initial shock, he hugged you back. This was as close as you two had been since Ace was conceived. Because the two of you were usually arguing.

“Of course, now come on before the water gets cold. I’ll crack the door so if you need me just call out.”

“Okay.”

You stayed in the bathroom for close to an hour before getting out and drying off. After blowing out the candles and brushing your teeth with the toothbrush that Jack had bought you along with giving a quick rinse to your face, you walked out to see him reading with the tv on a low volume. He heard your footsteps and looked up and smiled at you.

“Feel better?”

“I do, surprisingly.”

“I got the guest room ready for you and it's right next to Ace’s.” He told you as he put his book down and hopped up from the bed.

“Okay.”

“Oh wait, you need something to sleep in. Did you want to grab it out of your bag? If not, I can give you one of my shirts.”

“Your shirt is fine.”

Jack handed you one of his many Louisville Cardinals shirts and you held onto it and planned on changing into it once you reached the guest room.

“And make sure you don't steal this one.” Jack playfully told you as he remembered the many shirts that you stole from him during the very short time that you two were together.

“Hmm, no promises. I still have all the other ones and this will just be another one I add to my growing collection.” You answered as you thought about all the shirts that you had of his in your closet.

“Soon, I won't have any.”

“Stop being so dramatic.”

After Jack was back in his bedroom, it gave him time to think as he threw the comforter over himself and got comfortable.

He knew that this didn't fix the amount of pain that he put you through, but was thinking that it was a good enough start. He wanted to really prove to you that he was all in when it came to you and Ace. His end goal was having the three of you under the same roof and truly being a family. He knew it was a longshot, but he at least had to try. Progress was made when you gave him a hug catching him off guard and he felt that it was a huge step in the right direction. You had been doing everything by yourself for too long and it was time for that to change.

It was around 10 in the morning when all of you were on a plane headed to Boston. You and Ace were sitting next to each other and you were doing your best to entertain him while Jack was in front of the both of you when Urban came and sat next to him.

“Hmm so I see you two are talking?” Urban asked, gesturing towards you.

“Yeah, I'm just happy she's giving me a chance to get this right or at least try to.”

“Your ass finally grew up and it was about damn time.” Clay commented as he passed the both of them and went to pick up Ace.

“I'm also hoping that she'll be in a relationship with me again.” Jack quietly said in the hopes that you wouldn't hear and Urban just stared at him.

“You're my best friend and I have to be honest. I want you to be happy, but that sounds damn near impossible.”

“I know it sounds crazy, but I want us all under one roof. So much has happened and I have to make it right.”

“You can make it right by being a good father to Ace. Making it right doesn't necessarily mean that you two need to be together.”

“But I want to be, that's the thing. Truth be told, I see how amazing Ace is and I want more but I only want them with her.”

“You have done some serious soul searching because that sounds weird to hear you say.”

“Only thing is, I don't know if she'll go for it.”

“I mean, do you blame her? Look at how much shit you put her through.”

“But she hugged me last night. I called to check on her and I told her to come over because I knew she was upset. I bought her a whole bunch of things and ran a bath for her. I'm honestly surprised she said yes, but then again I wouldn't take no for an answer.”

“And yall didn't fuck? That was the perfect setup.”

“No! I need to take this slow and do it right.”

“Well…I… I just want you happy and if this will make you happy then okay.”

“What's the pushback for?” Jack questioned Urban as he saw him sigh.

“Look, this seems to be going a little too well and Y/N might pull something because of all the shit you've done to her.”

“Urb, she's not like that.”

“And how do you know? You were in a relationship with her for six months at most. You don't even know her if we're being honest.”

“I know enough to know that she wouldn’t do that, because she would have done it already with as much shit that has happened.”

“Well whatever happens, I'm here for you.”

“I appreciate that.”

It was the last day that you were all spending in Boston and you were currently helping Ace get ready because Jack surprised him and told him that he was taking him to a Celtics’ game. Knowing that Jayson Tatum was Ace’s favorite player, he got him a jersey in his size and he was wearing jean shorts with the New Balances that Jack designed. He also gifted you a pair that you planned on wearing with your olive green pants and white cropped hoodie.

When you were finished helping Ace tie his shoes, Jack walked in and smiled at the scene in front of him.

“Daddy, I’m ready!” Ace exclaimed as he ran over to Jack and he immediately picked him up.

“So that means we should get going. I have a feeling that you’re going to like where we’re sitting.” Jack had mentioned to you that you all would be sitting courtside and you didn’t tell him this, but you immediately got nervous. If you were sitting anywhere near him, you knew for a fact that cameras were going to be on the two of you which also meant that they would be on Ace.

Before Jack told Ace about his surprise, he consulted you first simply because this would be Jack’s first public appearance with him having Ace with him. He made sure that you were on board and assured you that he made a few calls to have an increase in security since the two of you would be with him.

Jack then looked over at you and smirked.

“Not you stealing my outfit.”

You looked at him confused before you looked down to see that the two of you were indeed matching. All you did was laugh to yourself and shake your head.

“I got dressed first so you in fact stole my outfit, not the other way around.” You replied back as you made your way over to the two of them.

“Hmm, I admit you do look good in it.” Jack replied and you tried to stop the smile from appearing on your face, but you failed miserably. It also didn’t help with the series of butterflies erupting in your stomach at this very moment.

“Daddy, can I get a hot dog?!” Ace asked as he looked at him hoping that he would say yes.

“Whatever you want, bubs.”

The three of you were currently outside of the arena and had just gotten out of the car when Jack could sense your nervousness and made a point to ask you if you were okay.

“Y/N?”

“Hmm?”

“What’s going on over there in that head of yours?” He asked as he whispered in your ear as the three of you were being led inside by security through the back entrance in the hopes of avoiding too many fans. Last thing that Jack would want to happen is them bombarding him when you and Ace were with him.

“Just nervous, I guess. I’m not used to being around big crowds of people.”

Jack was holding Ace as he quickly went to grab your hand and held onto it tightly as he squeezed it.

“It's going to be fine, you’re with me. Just let me know if you ever feel overwhelmed and need a minute.”

You nodded your head towards him and Jack gave you a small smile in return. Soon after, you three were led to your seats and Ace couldn’t contain his excitement.

“Ace? What do you think of this view, bubs? You like it?” Jack asked and Ace immediately nodded his head as he spotted Jayson who was coming out to warm up.

“Daddy! Look!” Ace replied as he pointed in Jayson’s direction.

“Do you want to meet him?” Jack had sent Jayson a text the night before telling him that he was going to be at the game and that he was bringing Ace and how he was his favorite player. Jayson responded and told him that he would definitely make it a point to say hi to Ace during the night.

Suddenly Ace’s eyes went wide and he proceeded to turn around and hide in Jack’s chest. He would get like this often when he was meeting new people, but once he warmed up to them he was fine. He finally peeked up at Jack and gave him a slow nod which led to Jack smiling at him.

Once Jayson spotted Jack, he jogged his way over to all three of you and immediately greeted you and Jack before turning his attention to Ace.

“This must be the famous Ace that I heard so much about.” Jayson said as he squatted down to his height.

“That's me! How did you know my name?” Ace asked while looking at him confused.

“I know your dad and he told me all about you. I also heard that this is your first game?”

“Yes! My daddy got your jersey for me. Oh I forgot to say thank you. Thank you daddy.” He answered as he looked down at his outfit.

“You're welcome bubs.”

“Ace, I'll make a deal with you. If we win, I'll give you the ball.”

“Really?” He asked as his eyes went wide.

“As long as you're good for mom and dad the entire game, you can have it.”

It was safe to say that the Celtics won and Jayson even signed the ball before handing it to Ace who couldn't contain his excitement.

By the time that you all got back to the hotel and put Ace to sleep, your back was on fire. Your plan was to take ibuprofen and lay down as soon as possible.

Jack noticed you wincing as you came to steal his charger since yours was on its last leg and would charge when it wanted to. He quickly grabbed your hand to question you about it.

“What's hurting? You're wincing.”

“My back, but I'll just take something and go to sleep. It doesn’t happen often, but when it does I can barely move for like two days.”

“Umm, I can help you if you want.” Jack replied and you looked at him confused.

“Help me how?”

“I can give you a massage to help get the kinks out. It’ll probably make it feel better.”

“Seriously? Is this your plan to try and seduce me?” You questioned him while laughing.

“No funny business I swear.” He said as he held his hands up in defense.

“Well, I guess it couldn’t hurt.”

“Just let me check on Ace and make sure he's asleep. You can stay in here and take off your clothes so you’ll be ready for me.”

“It sounds weird when you say it like that.” You replied as you plugged in your phone and waited for an indication to see that it was indeed charging.

“I did want to be a massage therapist at one point and I’ve been told that my hands work magic.”

“Hmm, I bet all the girls tell you that, don’t they?”

“Well now these hands are only reserved for you so you’ll have to tell me when I’m finished.” Jack winked at you before going to Ace’s room in the suite that was across the hall. You listened to instructions as you got somewhat undressed and wrapped yourself in a towel and simply sat on the bed and waited for Jack.

Once he returned, he locked the door behind him and told you to lay on your stomach with your chin resting on your arms. Jack undid your towel and moved it so that it was sitting right at your waist when you heard his voice.

“Um, Y/N, you have to take your bra off too.”

“Hmm, close your eyes and don't look.”

“Promise even though I've seen them plenty of times and even had them in my mouth.”

Rolling your eyes, you ignored his last comment as you slid the bra off your shoulders and placed it next to you on the bed. Next thing you knew you felt warm liquid on your back and Jack’s hands rubbing it in.

“What the? Where did you get the oil from?!”

“Shh, don’t worry about it. Just relax so I can make your back feel better.”

You weren’t sure how much time had passed, but your back definitely felt better and you were glad that you agreed to let Jack do this for you. As you were about to move a little to the side to get more comfortable, you felt Jack hands on the outside of your back and they got higher until they became dangerously close to your boobs before making their way back down. He had done it a few more times before you decided to adjust again as his fingers lightly brushed against your nipples.

As his hands started to move back down, you quickly caught one of them and moved it so that it was right on the outside of your breast. Meanwhile, Jack is starting to get nervous because he wasn’t quite sure what to make of your sudden movement, but him asking a simple question was all the confirmation he needed.

“Y/N, you want me to do the front of your body too?”

“Yes.”

As you flipped over, your breasts were on full display for him and you laid your head back down as he grabbed more oil to place it on the front of your arms and chest. He massaged the oil into your arms first before gliding it over your chest and moving his way down to your stomach. Once he reached the lower part of your body, he wanted to move the towel to the side, but asked for your permission first.

“Is it okay, if I move this?”

You nodded your head and that was all the confirmation he needed. Moving the towel away from the bed, you were fully naked in front of him and he started to massage your thighs as he was trying to do his best to focus, he noticed that his pants were getting tighter and tighter begging for some type of release.

He had made his way down your entire body and quickly grabbed your hand to help you sit up indicating that he was finished. Once you did, you noticed the bulge that was evident in his pants. No words were exchanged as you immediately undid them and heard a quiet hiss escape from his mouth as you pulled them down to have them pool at his feet. His dick sprung to life and without another word being spoken, you took him in your mouth.

“Oh shit.” Was all he could moan out as he focused on you pleasuring him.

He made a makeshift ponytail of your curly hair so that it could be out the way, but knew because all of this built up sexual tension that he had every time that he was around you that he probably wasn’t going to last long.

As you released him, a river of saliva made its way out of your mouth quickly landing on Jack’s dick as you slowly put your mouth back on him.

“Y/N… fuck!”

You held eye contact with him as you moved him in and out of your mouth as he held your head in place. Your jaw was getting somewhat tired because of how big he was, but knew that he was close once you felt him twitch in your mouth.

Catching him off guard, you released him from your mouth again and he looked at you confused before you began jerking him off and sucking his balls at the same time. That was your go to move to get him to cum when you two were together and by his reaction, it still was.

“Yes, babe. Keep going, keep fucking going. I’m almost there.”

Within thirty seconds he was coming undone in front of you and you made it a point to take him back in your mouth as he was coming down from his high as you milked him dry.

When his breathing returned to normal, you simply looked up at him to see him now peeling off his shirt and removing his pants and boxer briefs from his ankles.

“You missed me sucking your dick, huh? Because I could definitely tell.” You told him as you wiped his cum from the corner of your mouth and quickly sucked it, tasting the last of it.

“I missed so much more than that, but you’re right.” Jack said as he brought his hand up to stroke your face and then leaned down to kiss you.

As hard as it was to admit, that was a feeling that you had missed.

“I figured I would return the favor for you giving me a massage, but you missed one spot.” You said as you took him in your hands again.

“Where’s that?” Jack asked and his voice suddenly got deeper making you become even wetter. Jack knew exactly where you were talking about but he wanted to hear you say it.

“You didn’t massage my pussy and I’m going to need for you to do something about that before I do it myself.” You answered as your fingers went to massage your clit, but Jack caught your hand.

“No need to do it yourself, because I’m here. Spread those legs for me.”

Smirking, you laid back as you spread your legs and soon felt Jack in between them. You felt him kiss it before he gave you one long lick making you moan and he immediately stopped.

“Be quiet babe. Don’t want you waking up Ace.”

You nodded your head and he continued to pleasure you as he slipped two fingers into you and made a note how wet you were for him.

Your hands found their way into his curly hair as you spread your legs even wider so that he could have better access to you. Catching you off guard, Jack stopped leaving you confused as he laid down on the bed next to you but not before throwing your bra that you had placed there clear across the room.

“Get up here and sit on my face.” He told you as he tapped your leg and you swung it over so that you were positioned perfectly with the help of Jack.

He had a tight hold on your legs and you knew for a fact that trying to get away from him would be damn near impossible.

As his mouth began to run over your folds, you placed your hand over your mouth in order to help you keep quiet.

Jack wasn't making it easy for you as he began to give his undivided attention to your clit. He quickly noticed how you began squirming and squeezed your legs even tighter anticipating that you would try to move away from him.

“What did I use to tell you about running from me?” Jack asked as he came up for air and was waiting for a response from you.

“That you wouldn't let me cum.”

“Good. Now stay still.”

In order to give yourself some leverage, you rested your arms on the headboard as you felt that familiar feeling in your stomach become more pronounced.

“Oh shit.” You couldn't help but to moan out.

Hearing your soft moans and whimpers was music to Jack’s ears as he could tell you were close.

Squirting all over his face, he continued to lick your folds as you did your best to stay quiet in the hopes of not waking Ace up.

When he was finished, he placed multiple kisses along your thighs as you rested against the headboard. When you felt as if you could function again, you moved yourself away from his face and scooted down until you were hovering over him leaning down to give him several kisses as you went which he eagerly returned.

“Give me another one. I miss kissing you.” You heard him say as he guided you back down to meet his lips with yours.

In between kisses, you slowly smiled because you felt the same way.

Not knowing how long he had you there for, you slowly felt him lift his hips up to enter you and you met him halfway as a moan escaped both of you.

To make yourself more steady, your hands rested on his stomach while his hands went to your hips to help guide you.

“You're riding me so good, baby.”

Using him saying that was your motivation, you began to go faster as his arms had now wrapped around your waist fully and sat up to suck on your breasts making a loud moan escape from you.

As he continued to kiss all over your chest, without warning, he flipped the two of you over so that he was now hovering above you and placed your legs back as far as they would go as he entered you again, bottoming out and began to move in and out of you slowly.

“Oh fuck, Jack go faster.” You breathed out and no words were spoken as he listened to what you wanted for him to do.

Within two minutes your orgasm hit you like a ton of bricks and Jack slowly moved out of you as he came all over your chest and stomach.

The only thing that could be heard was both of your erratic breathing as you were trying to steady it. Once Jack had done so, he went into the bathroom before he made his way back over to you, gliding the warm cloth all along your body. When he was finished, he laid down next to you and immediately turned your body towards him once more so he could kiss you.

When the two of you finally broke apart, Jack still had his arm wrapped around you as you cuddled into his chest.

Waiting until Jack fell asleep and you helped move the process along by playing in his hair which you always did when you two were together, you gathered your clothes and made your way back to your room and took a quick shower before laying down and pulling the comforter over your body.

You were wide awake and your mind was racing thinking about what had just happened between you and Jack.

Regret didn't come across your mind at all, but now you didn't know where the two of you stood. Jack had been hinting on wanting to be in a relationship with you again, but at this moment in time you just weren't sure. He has definitely stepped up and been the father that Ace deserves but could he be the person that you needed when it came to a relationship?

Grabbing your phone, you opened the group chat and sent a text to Nadia, Blaire, and Liv.

You- I just did a thing….

Liv- Explain the thing!

Nadia- Wait, why are we all up? Where's Blaire?

Blaire- Present!

You- I just had sex with Jack

Liv- Oh

Blaire- 😀😀😀😀😀😀

Nadia- Okay, what's the problem? You got dicked down!

You- I think that I'm leaning towards giving him a second chance

#jack harlow #jack harlow fic #jack harlow concepts #jack harlow x reader #jack harlow x black reader #jack harlow fanfic #jack harlow fluff #jack harlow imagine #jack harlow fanfiction #jack harlow smut #jack harlow imagines #jack harlow angst #jack harlow series #jack harlow concept

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boytearscore · 3 months ago

Text

reason. — johnnie guilbert.

summary: completely unable to show your own feelings to the world after growing up being mocked by your sensitiveness and tears, you face the coldness of your best friend’s roommate (johnnie) without letting it get to you, until one day watching a movie with both, he smiled at you for the first time.

warnings: mention of anxiety, depression, past traumas, psychal abuse, daddy issues, emotional blockage, angst, comedy, strong female lead, a bit of fluffly? we’ll see. (jake as your best friend.)

author's note: i got this idea last night while listening to ''nervous'' by the neighbourhood, strongly recommend you to vibe with it when reading. don't know if it will become a series, though. i'm just testing waters for now.

it was a saturday night, you and your best friend jake were hanging out all day together but he wasn’t feeling like saying goodbye yet. so to change things up a little, he invites you to watch a movie at his house.

“before you say no…” he immediately knew why you rolled your eyes and made his best puppy face. “i got your favorite chocolate at home, a whole box. you can even pick your weird thriller movies, plus it’s way cooler to watch it using our movie room. not tryna brag though.” he laughs and purse his lips. “pretty please…?”

you sigh, giving in. jake was the only person who you would do anything for. he’s been with you through tough times just as much as you’ve been with him and that created a bond between you two that no one could break.

as you both get in the car, you start driving and a few things go through your head while jake was picking a song.

the reason why you didn’t like to hangout at his house was his roommate, johnnie. you both never got along, everything began since the first day you’ve met. you couldn’t help but notice how caring, happy, sweet and all smiles he was around everyone, but you. there’s no explanation, the moment he laid eyes on you, he did nothing but be mean and cold.

but you weren’t some sensitive girl who cries when a boy says mean things, you grew up with that your whole life. no father to rely on, mean brothers and a non confrontational mother. people used to call you ''crybaby'' and that infuriated you, they spitted mean words at your face, saying you were weak and too soft, even using psychal abuse to make you cry on purpose, so much so that you’ve just hardened with time.

you made a promise to yourself, to be a mirror. to give people what they give you and nothing else.

and that’s exactly what you did with him as well, it seemed to be working, so you didn't really care.

johnnie was in the kitchen next to the living room, grabbing a soda when you and jake arrived. he looks over at the door as you come in, rolling his eyes at the sight of you.

“so fucking nice to see you too.” you give him the same eye roll and proceeded to enter the house, throwing yourself on the couch and letting a sigh out.

johnnie scoffs as you sit down. “how long are you staying for?” he asks, sitting on the couch in front of you and grabbing his phone.

“want me to leave soon?” you ask him, sarcastically smiling.

“i do want you to leave soon.” he finally looks up from his phone, giving you an annoyed look and you shrug.

“then i’m staying for a looooong time.”

johnnie just ignores your teasing tone and sips his doctor pepper. “what exactly are you doing here, anyway?”

you didn’t feel like engaging his little back and forth thing so you just ignored his question and then turned to jake that was just laughing, used to the bickering. he didn’t mind it. it was actually entertaining to him, although he was pretty sure you both would ended up fucking at some point.

“if you sleep while we’re watching the movie i’ll draw a penis on your face.” you threatened jake with your best scary face.

he laughs even harder when you threaten him and johnnie suddenly lets out a snort, but quickly composes himself when you notice.

that surprised you, he never really was a part of conversations when you were around, only to make sarcastic comments or be mean, but this was different, however you brushed it off, it’s not like you care anyways.

“you wouldn’t dare.” jake says, raising an eyebrow at you, a smug smile still on his face.

“watch me.” you whisper to him with squinty eyes, an evil smile creeping on your lips, he just sticks his tongue out at you, jokingly rolling his eyes.

“fine, i won’t sleep. happy?”

“we shall see, my friend.” you get up and walk towards jake grabbing his hand, the perks of having a rich best friend is that he has an entire movie room in his own house, and of course a whole box of your favorite chocolates.

as you two start heading to the room, you can’t help but turn your head back a little, looking at johnnie.

“you coming?”

johnnie looks up from his phone, watching you walk off with jake, and is surprised when you turn to ask him if he’s coming. he stands up and puts his phone in his pocket.

“i guess so.” he mumbles, walking behind you both. he doesn’t say anything else as you three head to the movie room.

you were the first one to enter the room, immediately sitting at the huge comfortable couch, jake was right behind you picking snacks and a soda. he throws the box of chocolates in your lap, giving you a wink and sitting next to you with a diet coke and chips in hands while johnnie got himself comfortable next to jake. you grab your phone connecting to the projector and picking the movie. it was a psychological thriller mixed with comedy, very weird and gory to say at least.

johnnie rolls his eyes as you pick the movie. “course you would pick something like that.” he mutters under his breath. jake laughs and playfully shoves him.

“c’mon, johnnie! give it a chance. thriller movies are fun.”

“you can just leave, though.” you finally reply to johnnie still eyeing the projector screen reflecting on the wall. he roll his eyes and just stays quiet while jake is still laughing. “i’ve heard there’s gross scenes, i’m so excited!” you shake jake’s arm while the movie starts, laying your head on his shoulder and eating a piece of the chocolate bar.

johnnie groans quietly, watching the screen while trying not to look the proximity between you and his roommate. he didn’t even know why it bothered him so much.

20 minutes of movie has passed and things already gotten weird and gross, you stared at the screen mesmerised while jake frowned with a disgusted face.

“how can you even enjoy this?” johnnie asks quietly to you, watching as a character behaves weirdly in the scene.

“aw, is that too much for you?” you stare at johnnie, doing the voice adults usually use to talk to children. “do you want me to switch to a cartoon?”

johnnie’s face turns red from embarrassment, but he hides it by rolling his eyes and leaning back into the couch, looking back at the movie.

“i can handle it just fine. i’m just saying i don’t understand how you like that crap.” he mutters, a hint of a blush still on his cheeks.

“since you wanna know so bad…” you start sipping jake’s diet coke, he gives you a dirty stare and you just laugh, proceeding to talk. “it’s not about the gore stuff, it’s about the deep meaning of it, why is the character doing that? i love to contemplate and understand their reasoning, it makes me feel connected to my human side. that’s all.”

johnnie is a bit taken back by your explanation, he honestly expected some stupid answer, not a thoughtful one. he stays quiet for a moment, thinking about what you just said.

“so… you like these kinds of movies for philosophical reasons?” he says, trying to understand.

“precisely.” you murmur, looking at the screen again.

“reasons...” he whispers to himself lost in thoughts but the scene unfolding in front of you three made his eyes pop, the character insists to engage an “action” with a girl who’s on her period.

“aaaand that's bad timing for all the things i just said, there’s no explanation for that.” you point at the screen, laughing. “this one is just a weirdo, i guess.”

“agreed.” johnnie lets out a quiet laugh.

johnnie’s laughter was something you’ve never heard before, and that made you smile a little but as soon as you realized it, you turn to jake biting your smile away, he looked utterly disgusted and was dramatically holding back a gag as the scene continues.

“ew, that’s disgusting.” he says, looking a little sick.

“didn’t you accidentally drink your own pee before?” you ask jake, laughing out loud.

“hey!!” jake shoves you lightly, a look of embarrassment on his face. “we promised not to talk about that again.”

johnnie lets out another low laugh, enjoying the interaction between you and his roommate.

“my bad, man.” you say acting like you regretted it. “still a sensitive topic, huh?”

“you’re an ass.” the red head boy rolls his eyes but he’s still laughing as johnnie is watching the two of you, his eyes going back and forth between you and jake, his lips curved in a small smile and you noticed right away, it wasn’t a mean one like always, it was genuine.

“hey…” you smile at him, not resisting his sudden cuteness. “for someone mean as hell you kind of know how to smile nicely.”

he looks a bit startled, not expecting you to notice his smile and actually say something about it. johnnie can feel his face heat up a bit.

“i’m not always mean, you know.” he tries to defend himself, his voice lacking the usual coldness.

this time, both of you and jake stare at him with a “really?” face.

“not always around other people, maybe…” you say, shrugging. “to me, yes.”

johnnie’s face turns from a light shade of pink to completely red. he stutters, trying to think of a good comeback but fails, just sitting in an embarrassed silence.

the room turns quiet, just the voices of characters in the background. no one dares to speak. probably because johnnie never smiled around you before, or because you complimented him for the first time, or… because you almost told him how you feel. usually jake is the one who has to listen to you vent, not that johnnie’s behaviour actually wounded you, but because you just didn’t understand his reasons, so you finally ask him.

“why do you hate me so much?” your eyes are glued to his, not giving a fuck about the movie you were so excited to watch for ages.

johnnie suddenly feels the weight of your question hit him. he fidgets a little, feeling a mix of guilt and defensiveness rising within him. he glances at jake, hoping for him to get him out of the situation somehow, but jake just shrugs and motions for him to answer.

he takes a deep breath, his eyes locked with yours. “i… don’t really hate you.” he mutters, barely above a whisper.

you frowned confused. “then why do you act like you do?” this question wasn’t planned though, your heart spoke for you.

he looks away from you, avoiding eye contact, struggling to find the right words and feeling vulnerable under your gaze.

“i… i don’t know. it’s just... easier, i guess. i don’t know how else to act around you.” he finally manages to get out, his voice shaking a bit.

“maybe start by not being a dick.” your tone is sarcastic but you had a smile on your lips, hoping both jake and johnnie couldn’t tell you were trying to light up the mood with your usual ironic humour to not make them uncomfortable.

jake lets out a laugh, feeling a bit more at ease with the sarcasm. johnnie, however, looks visibly frustrated. he clenches his fists, struggling to keep his cool.

“easier said than done.” he mutters under his breath, his tone cold again.

the smile on your face dropped, something inside you wanted to know his reasons badly, to dig more and more until the truth finally would show itself.

“what’s that supposed to mean?”

johnnie notices the smile dropping from your face and feels a pang of guilt. he runs a hand through his hair nervously, avoiding eye contact with you again.

“you wouldn’t get it. it’s just… it’s easier for me to be mean to you than anything else, okay? i don’t know why, but it is.” he says in a low, frustrated voice. “does that satisfy your curiosity?”

“sure.” you whisper, giving up on understanding his heart. maybe that’s why you were so obsessed with trying to figure out misunderstood movie characters, they reminded you of people in real life. they reminded you of… johnnie. you wanted to be able to find out why he’s like that with you, but he built walls around him when it comes to your presence. no matter how hard you try, he never will let you in.

you sigh, letting your head fall on jake’s shoulder again and paying attention to the movie in silence, he watches you put your head on jake’s shoulder, feeling a mix of disappointment and frustration. he wanted to say more, to explain himself further, but he couldn't find the words.

jake wraps an arm around you, sensing the tension in the room, and squeezes your shoulders gently. he glances at johnnie, trying to give him a subtle ‘fix-this’ look, but johnnie just looks away.

the rest of the movie continues in tense silence. johnnie remains quiet, lost in his own thoughts, while jake tries to lighten the mood with occasional jokes or comments about the movie.

you, on the other hand, was fighting a war inside your head. it’s either caring about the conversation that just happened or move on completely, you were divided between those two things, but then the past rushes through your head, when you used to care and show everyone how much you were hurt. in order to change, a lot of tears were shred.

and that’s why you are the way you are now, if people don’t wanna talk, you do not force them to, why tell them how you feel if they don't care and probably will use it against you at some point? plus it’s not like you had hoped things would change between you two.

the credits start to roll, signalling the end of the movie. jake looks between you and johnnie, noticing the lingering tension in the room.

“well, that was definitely something.” he says, trying to lighten the mood again and johnnie just nods silently, his gaze fixed on the now-empty screen.

“he killed everyone in order to get the life he wanted.” you start talking. “he also drank his friend’s bath water and went down on his sister while she was on her period.” you bite your lip and smile at jake. “i’ll be thinking about that for a while…”

jake burst into laughter, remembering the scenes you mentioned. “yeah, that was pretty messed up. but the whole drinking the dirty bath water scene made me lose my shit!” he laughs again, wiping a tear from his eye.

johnnie tries to not show a reaction, but he visibly cringes and lets out a soft “ugh” at the memory.

“bro, the slurping sounds got to me.” your laugh was so loud and genuine that jake couldn’t help but laugh with you as he nods, clutching his stomach from laughing.

“dude inhaled it like a chocolate milkshake."

johnnie can't help but crack a small smile, enjoying the friendly banter between you and jake, but he still keeps his comments to himself.

suddenly the room is quiet again and before things possibly get uncomfortable, you get up.

“alright, that’s my queue.” you give jake a small hug and take the box of chocolate in hands. “i’m taking these with me thank you very much.” jake hugs you back, still chuckling at your laughs. johnnie watches silently as you get up and head for the hall, a mix of disappointment and relief showing on his face.

“leaving already? you can crash here, you know.” jake says, sensing your intention to leave.

“nah, i’m good.” usually you’d actually do that, but sleeping in the same house as johnnie wasn’t the best move right now. “text me later, yeah?” you smile at jake and leaves without looking at johnnie.

he stayed silent as you left, watching you go without another word. he felt a mix of emotions, frustration, guilt, and a hint of sadness that he couldn't quite explain. jake glanced at him, sensing his inner conflict.

as you drive home, a million thoughts go through your head. mostly about him. and the worst part is that you didn’t even know why, but that was sort of okay, no one was there to watch you being vulnerable, so the questions naturally got to you.

why do you care so much about it?

why does your heart kind of sink everytime he doesn’t just tell you how he feels?

you don’t care about people who don’t care about you, why is that different when it comes to johnnie?

when finally home, you find yourself rewatching the memories from earlier, the way his voice softened, or the brief smile he let you see. it’s as if you caught a glimpse of the real him, and you can't stop wondering what lies beneath the icy exterior.

just when you think things would finally settle down in your head, your phone lights up, jake was calling.

“are you home yet?”

“yeah, what’s up?” you pick up right away, trying to hide your anxiety, but jake could sense something off just by the way you spoke.

“everything okay? you sound a bit off."

“i’m okay.” you fake a laugh, jake was your best friend after all, he knows exactly everything about you, including when you try to hide your pain and feelings. in fact, he was the first person to notice them and not judge you for that. “don’t worry about it.”

jake is still not convinced by your fake laugh.

“bullshit. i know something’s wrong. don’t try to hide it from me."

“it’s just…” you sigh, what’s the point of hiding it, anyways? you don’t need to be strong in front of him, jake would never hurt you like everyone else did in the past. “i care more than i’d like to…” you finally confess, hoping he would get what you mean without making you explain any further.

jake is quiet for a moment, understanding what you’re talking about instantly. he’s not surprised, jake could feel the tension between you and his roommate today. and how you seemed affected by it.

“it’s about johnnie, isn’t it?” he lets out a soft sigh on the other end of the phone.

“don’t say his name…” you tell him in a whisper, cringing with the possibility of johnnie finding out you’ve been talking about him. “i feel like there’s something underneath it.” you explain, laying on your bed and staring at the ceiling. “you know i don’t care about people being mean to me, got over it a long time ago. i just give it right back, not giving a shit. and i tried that to him for years, but the way he looks at me…” you close your eyes, taking a deep breath. “i can’t figure that look on his face, jake. and it’s driving me insane.”

“yeah, i get it, but here's the thing… i know for a fact that he doesn't hate you." jake pauses for a moment, trying to figure out the best words to say. "he’s just… confused when it comes to his own emotions, you know? he’s got this whole mean act going on because he doesn’t know how to deal with feelings.”

“i would get it…” you begin to say, collecting your thoughts not to show the quavering voice . “if he acted like that with everyone, sure, that’s understanble, but it’s only with me. what the fuck did i do to him?” you almost yell the last part in frustration.

jake listens to your words, feeling your frustration through the phone. "i don't know, man. he’s never really explained his reasons to me either.” he ponders for a moment, wondering if he should tell you. “hey, can i ask you something?"

you got confused for a second, thinking he was about to make a joke or change subjects.

“sure.”

"have you ever considered that maybe... just maybe... johnnie is a dick to you because he likes you?" jake waits for your reaction with a small grin on his face, knowing your tendency to never consider the obvious.

and react you did, frowning and squinting your eyes so hard that for a second your head started to hurt.

“what kind of nonsense are you onto about, dude?” you blurt it out, finally laughing. jake laughs at your reaction, finding your disbelief amusing.

"i mean, think about it for a second. it fits all your theories, doesn’t it? why else would he be so mean only to you? maybe he’s trying to hide his feelings by being cold."

“too much weed inside your rotten brain, jake. that’s what it is.” you said still laughing and continued to tease him a little “i’m gonna put you in rehab or something.”

jake chuckles, still enjoying your denial.

"hey, you’re the one who can’t stop talking about how johnnie looks at you. i’m just planting the seed of thought, man. you never know." he pauses for a moment before continuing. “and just for the record, i’m not smoking anything at the moment. thanks for the concern, though."

“well, your seeds are just rocks and they’ll never grow anything but disappointment.” you tell him catching your breath from laughing so much. “but i do feel better now.” jake probably could tell you were smiling because he went quiet for a second, and that made you smile even more. “thanks for being my best friend, yeah? you’re my anchor.”

jake grins, happy that he was able to make you feel better.

"that's what best friends are for and just so you know, you’re my anchor and my sister." he chuckles before continuing. “but i won't stop planting those 'rock seeds' of mine. maybe one day they'll turn into an exotic flower or something."

“yeah, a toxic one.” you hear his laugh and roll your eyes. “i’ll go to bed now, talk to you later, okay?”

"sure, get some rest. and think about what i said." jake teases you before continuing. “sleep tight, darling."

you roll your eyes after hearing the ridiculous pet name, remembering when it started. one time you told him he gives father vibes to you, so he just calls you that because in his words “messing with your daddy issues is fun”.

after you hang up the phone, the room falls silent once more, and your mind begins to wander to the conversation you just had with jake.

now the stupid rock seed of thought he planted in your mind refused to disappear. the sentence “maybe he’s trying to hide his feelings by being cold” playing in an infinite loop inside your head.

as much as you tried, the thoughts kept nagging at you, refusing to be ignored. you sigh, realizing that sleep would elude you until you figured this out.

an hour ticked by and you tossed and turned in your bed, no matter how hard you tried, you couldn't stop thinking about johnnie's behaviour and the possibility of him somehow “liking” you.

memories of the way he looked at you, the way he softened, only to revert back to his aloof self seconds later, it was so confusing.

eventually, the morning sun began to peek through your window, signalling the start of a new day. you felt exhausted and frustrated, with no answers and no sleep.

as you drag yourself out of bed, you feel the exhaustion weighing down on you. the lack of sleep and the endless loop of thoughts about johnnie had left you feeling drained.

you head to the bathroom and splash your face with cold water, trying to jolt yourself awake. but even as you look at your reflection in the mirror, the thought of johnnie's hidden feelings still lurks in the back of your mind.

“well, now i’m fucked.”

you whisper to yourself, feeling defeated.

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peppermintquartz · 5 months ago

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from a post by @parrishjeanna

I shouldn't have left Evan on the curb. Tommy kicks himself mentally when he gets home, and slumps into his armchair. But it stung when Evan told Eddie that they were going to look for "hot chicks". Stung in a way that Tommy didn't expect it to. It's not as if he expected Evan to declare out loud and proud that he's into dudes now, it's just that Evan panicked so fast in the presence of his best friend, and Tommy doesn't want to make him feel bad about any of this. He doesn't want to be shoved back in the closet either. It's taken him a lot of work to be comfortable with being gay, and Evan hasn't gone through all that yet.

He sighs again. Evan had looked so adorable, too, all flustered and blushing, too nervous to eat much but still engaged in their conversation. Tommy almost wishes he had taken that one step further, got a farewell kiss, but he would have caved to those big puppy eyes and he would have taken Evan to the movies and then there will be a more painful heartbreak for him in the future because he hadn't been firm this time. He knows this for a fact; it's not his first rodeo.

Nonetheless, there is a sense of wistful regret. He really wants to have kissed Evan a second time.

Evan's sitting there in the sun, glancing left and right, and Tommy's heart leaps into his mouth at how charming - yes, that's the word - the scene is. He takes a deep breath and sticks his hands in his pockets and walks closer.

He sees the exact moment Evan notices him, the way the younger man's smile widens.

"Hey," Evan says, and he's still as adorable as he was the first time Tommy saw him, when Howie led him and Eddie to the helicopter and they made hasty introductions.

"Hey," Tommy replies, and cringes inwardly at how forced-casual his tone is. It's the talk, he guesses, the one the guys give when they want to let Tommy down easy, to let him know that they were mistaken about feeling like that about him.

"Thanks for agreeing to meet me," Evan continues

"Of course."

Motioning to the coffee he ordered for Tommy, Evan smiles and says, (rambles, really) "I didn't know how you take it, so I, uh, just took a guess."

Tommy tries it. He debates for a second if he should lie, but puts that thought away. Better to be honest. "Mm. So, not like that."

"Seems like there's a lot we don't know about each other," Evan chuckles and Tommy's heart skips again. God, Evan is so good-looking, especially when his smile lights up his whole face like that, and Tommy braces himself for the letdown.

He meets Evan's eyes. "Practically everything."

"Well," says Evan, and Tommy steels his heart, and Evan continues, "I would like to change that."

What? Tommy suddenly is unable to breathe. He listens to Evan's apology, reassures him that there's nothing to apologize for (this part he has done three times in the past four years, and he means it - he doesn't want to force people out of the closet if they didn't want to be out), explains his reasoning.

Evan smiles wryly. "Still. The way I-I reacted was... not my proudest moment."

This part's new. Tommy nodded. "Noted."

"So you said before, um, th-that you don't think I'm ready."

Oh. Here it is. Tommy keeps his hands under the table, his fingers linked tightly. He's gonna say that he thinks I'm right. That he really isn't ready.

"And the truth is, I don't know what I'm ready for," Evan says, and it is unfair how sincere he looks in that moment, because all Tommy wants is to lean over and kiss the uncertainty out of him, and he can't do that. Not if Evan wants to just be friends. Oblivious to Tommy's internal struggle, Evan continues, "...but I am ready for something. And I think that something... could be with you."

Tommy's fingers clench together. His heart forgets how to beat. He forgets how to breathe. He takes a moment. He can't hide his smile.

"You already know that I'm interested," he manages to say, hoping it comes across clearly enough that it's not merely interest but also desire, yet afraid to be too blatant about what he really wants out of this.

Evan grins and breaks through all of Tommy's defenses. "Come with me to my sister's wedding."

"What?!" Tommy doesn't even know his voice can go that high-pitched, but the sheer enormity of what Evan is offering, just days after that date...

"I want you," Evan repeats, "to be my date for my sister's wedding."

"Evan." It's an Are you sure? and it's not just about the date, it's not just about being his date for his sister's wedding, it's about everyone knowing, and Evan has to understand, he must understand what a huge step it is...

Evan doesn't even hesitate. Tommy's still processing the invitation and finally hears Evan say, "...already know half the people there, and she wants to meet you."

His sister knows about me. He's told her about me. Tommy's never been thrown into the deep end like this. He can't remember being anyone's date to a wedding, let alone a family member's wedding, where his colleagues will also be present. Everyone in Evan's life that matters to him will know.

"Are you... absolutely sure about this?" Tommy asks, needing to confirm this.

Evan's smile is brighter than the sun. "Yes, I'm sure. There's gonna be free food, and I need someone to dance with."

How can anyone say no to that? As Tommy accepts the date, he feels a lot lighter and freer than he has done for a long, long time. This feels right, he thinks, gently squeezing Evan's hand tucked between his own. Let this be right for us both.

#bucktommy #evan buckley #tommy kinard

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comicgeekery · 5 months ago

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Sherlock and Shoscombe

So, after the deep dive I did with Sherlock & Co and the issues with the Case of Identity storyline, I thought it was only fair that I talk about their take on The Adventure at Shoscombe Old Place.

*Ahem*.....This was a lot of fun! I just looked up a summary of the original story because I didn't remember it well, and no wonder! It was the very last Sherlock Holmes story Doyle published, later collected into The Casebook, and thus...one of the boring ones. I'm sorry. I really don't like The Casebook stories. It's also the last batch of stories that the Doyle estate was clutching onto before Sherlock went fully into the public domain, which makes the story feel doubly tedious to me.

But! These episodes were a blast! Practically a survey of all the best parts of Sherlock & Co! There's fun banter! Heaps of character background! A really clever update to the original set-up! BRILLIANT acting and foley work! A cheeky cameo! And a truly exciting, satisfying end! I think this is the most direct information we've gotten about John's past since, well ever, but certainly since we learned about his memories of his dad. Now we know that he grew up in a very class-divided town that once felt so much bigger. And he was deeply in love once, with a woman he lost partially because of classism. (Which is such a great mirror for Beatrice and her husband's situation!) He also lost his friends because they had privileges he didn't. (Did John join the military partly as a way to get away from his roots? Out of a desperate need to be praised as a hero?)

No wonder John has so much resentment for the wealthy when it's so deeply personal. I think it's going to be comically awkward and VERY interesting when he finds out that Sherlock is mega super rich. Holmes is often theorized to be the son of a lord in canon. I figure he's at least from a wealthy family that was able to pay for him to go to tons of fancy schools. And then personal tutors. And a full-time staff that always took care of cleaning and stocking up the groceries. (For all his observation skills, I do think Sherlock grew up never considering who made his household run.) I think part of why Sherlock has been so touchy about John's anger at rich people is because Sherlock is SUPER nervous it would ruin their friendship. I am also so pumped to see what the podcast does with Mycroft! I wonder if his autism might be more limiting than Sherlock's. Like he's got the genius skills, he's got the deceptively powerful government job, but he can't handle going out into the world. Going to Baker Street would be an ordeal. Might have a full meltdown if he's not at home, work, or whatever the Diogenes Club is updated to. But.....It's hard to tell how much Sherlock & Co wants us to suspend our disbelief about some things. John and Sherlock have very clearly committed a LOT of crimes on their publicly available podcast. Maybe that will never be addressed or MAYBE Sherlock, Mycroft, or other Holmes allies have been bribing and intervening to keep them from getting arrested. Imagine the drama! "You hate the rich, but you owe all your success to MY money and power, 'Dr.' John Watson!" *Blinks rapidly*

Where was I? Oh yeah, Shoscombe. That. God. Damn. Chase. Scene! So bold for a podcast to have a climax with a car chase at the center. The foley work was top-notch for the driving and the terrain and then the crash and sinking in the lake. Whoever plays John Watson, you did an incredible job! The reckless car chase where, OF COURSE, he still narrates everything, the diving for Robert (and the clever layer of the recorder fritzing), and that CPR! It was all so engaging and believable! I love when John does doctor stuff generally, but this was my favorite example since the gunshot wound at the wedding with The Solitary Cyclist. Not sure I buy Robert's at-home crematorium as being 100% good, but I can believe John thinks so. Might help that John's a bit more desensitized to cutting into corpses than most folks. Finally, I'm sure folks are quite excited that a certain James made a cameo. (Maybe he's interested in why Sherlock and John keep getting away with all their crimes.) I knew he was going to show up at some point, and making Moriarty a listener shout-out is delightful. I just hope it's a while longer before he's ON the show. It always frustrates me when Moriarty winds up becoming basically Lex Luthor. Then again, we've already had similar cameos for Irene Adler and Baskerville Hall (and probably some I've missed) without them showing up yet. We'll see how it goes!

Good job, Sherlock & Co! I'm excited to see what you do next!

#sherlock holmes #john watson #sherlock & co

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st-eve-barnes · 1 year ago

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How are we all feeling the day after??

I wanted to make a post and maybe nobody cares but there's just a few things I want to get off my chest after yesterday.

First of all I LOVED the sense of community on here, how we all anticipated this new content as if it was Christmas coming early, how we freaked out over every new photo and clip together, feeling anxious and overly excited, this is what fangirling is all about for me. A HUGE thank you to everyone who shared videos, took the time to make gifs and edits. I'm not going to name blogs or tag people in this post but you all know who you are. This fandom is blessed with all of you❤️

Next up: Ewan❤️❤️ I had some concerns beforehand knowing he's so introverted but I feel so proud of how he handled this whole thing, so happy to see him happy and see how warm the fans accepted him and made him feel loved. Brazil, you did an amazing job! You could tell it really helped him feel comfortable as well, and while he was clearly very nervous I could see the joy and how proud he was whenever he gave a great answer. Prepared or not, that doesn't matter, it was wonderful to hear him talk so thoughtfully about Aemond. I also loved how open and sweet he seemed, hugging everyone, engaging with fans and even taking selfies afterwards. I had NOT expected that part and it makes me so hopeful for the future.

But...you know I was getting to the bad stuff, right?

I also got severe flashbacks from previous fandoms yesterday and I did not like it one bit.

The more content there is the more people have opinions. They don't like what he's wearing or how he/his hair looks, they analyze his every move in the panels, question his answers or worse question his entire personality and sexuality.

Even if some comments feel harmless it's all a lot of negative energy that gets put out there. And it opens doors we should not open.

Can we as a fandom please stay out of Ewan's love life/sexuality? It has nothing, absolutely nothing to do with us or why we all adore him so much. It changes nothing about who he is, it does not affect your own life at all. Literally not at all.

You don't like his outfit? Cool, that's fair, it was a bold choice, I understand it's not everyone's cup of tea. But is it really necessary to point that out and make several posts about it?

I know this is the internet generation's right to state their opinion on everything, and maybe this is my age showing, but sometimes there is truth in "If you can't say anything nice don't say anything at all."

I don't want this to be a call out post because it's not and I'm the last person to call people out, I've made comments in previous fandoms as well that I'm not proud of, I think we all have esp in the heat of the moment. And maybe I'm too sensitive because I've seen it happen in other fandoms, how quickly the negativity and gossip can take over and ruin a good thing.

I don't want this to happen to this fandom cause despite some petty drama it's been such a fun, amazing space for me over this past year and I'd like that to continue.

I guess this a general soft request to all of us to be a little kinder next time we get new content, maybe don't be so critical and just enjoy what we're getting?

(Because lord knows chances are he's going back into his cave for months now lol)

Anyway, I don't want to end on a negative, yesterday was amazing and I'm still shaking. I feel so proud to support Ewan, he's really something special, I feel that even more after yesterday. And despite the negative I'm also proud to be part of this fandom and this little community on here and I'd love to freak out with all of you a lot more often in the future ;)

#ewan mitchell #ewan nation

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emerald-truth · 1 year ago

Text

Yesterday I watched Data's Day and it made me cry and I need to talk about it.

First of all I love that it was lowkey a slice of life episode? Like Data is just describing his normal day and some crazy stuff happens as usual on the Enterprise but it's also just like. The crew hanging out. I especially love his conversation with Worf about what wedding present to buy because it's just so normal? Everyday? And just seeing his casual friendships with everyone? And they all love each other? I love the whole tng crew so much.

Anyway, what made me really emotional was how much I related to Data as an autistic person and I know people talk about this all the time but I'M GONNA TALK ABOUT IT AGAIN FOR MYSELF.

Right in the beginning of the episode he talks about how he used to have trouble maintaining friendships but now that he's become better at predicting other people's emotions he's become able to form friendships. And just. The whole ordeal of having to take years and years to LEARN TO MAKE FRIENDS when it seems to come so naturally to everyone else, when it seems like something that should just be easy. Yeah. But then also the absolute joy when you succeed! When you think ah yes I've finally learned to understand others enough, to do the correct analyses, to make the correct predictions, I can finally make friends! And Data is so pleased with himself just like I have been the past couple years. And the thing is! He makes mistakes still in predicting emotions! But his friends forgive him and help him understand! And it's just so??? Oh my god the happiness that comes with being accepted despite your flaws, despite who you are and what you can't change about yourself. With being reminded that you still deserve friendship and a special place in people's lives even when you make mistakes. Because even though he upsets Keiko by trying to change her mind about the wedding she forgives him and still lets him act as "the father of the bride" because she still loves him! Everyone does! Because he's so sincere! Oh my god I love Data so much-

But the thing that made me cry was one little moment when they suddenly redirect their course towards the neutral zone and Data says it's a good thing his duties can't be interrupted by emotions such as the uneasiness he might feel about such a change to the course. While clearly exhibiting signs of being nervous like tapping his fingers and glancing behind himself at the drivers. And this is something about my experience of autism that I hardly ever see in fiction. Not only do I have trouble understanding the feelings of others, I have trouble identifying MY OWN FEELINGS. I have low body awareness so instead of feeling emotions in my body I have to engage with them intellectually which means I often can't tell that I'm experiencing an emotion even when people around me can. I saw another post a month or so ago talking about how Data probably has similar troubles because his emotions don't manifest physically the way they do for humans. And just. I've spent so long feeling like and being accused of being an unemotional person because I don't feel my emotions the way other people do, so to see this implication that Data DOES have emotions even when he himself doesn't always notice them is so lovely. Just because he or I don't always feel emotions physically, and must understand them intellectually, doesn't mean we are uncaring. It just means so much to see a character who thinks of himself as emotionless be portrayed as so gentle, kind, and loved.

And then the end of the episode- Data says he believes humanity is not an inherent quality but a way of thinking and something he can achieve. And that's so reassuring. Even if I'm not human now, maybe someday I will be. And even if I'm not human, even if I'm never human, I can still be good, I can still feel, I can still make friends, I can still be like Data.

#data soong #star trek #star trek tng

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fixaidea · 9 months ago

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Excerpt from a fic I'll probably never write:

(From the DMBJ end this takes place in a sort of mixed 'verse that's mostly book, but Zhang Rishan is still around, because it's fun to bother him.)

(The premise would be that an ancient artifact in the Smithonian starts acting up. By the combined efforts of Dr Strange and the leading historians of the museum they work out that this thing is likely a piece of a set of four, and might be stopped from taking out the museum and half of Wasington with it if reunited with the other pieces. Problem is, no one has any idea where to find these pieces beyond 'somewhere in China' which, let's be real, is kind of a broad scope.)

****

This was the kind of situation where someone knowing a guy who knew a guy would have helped a lot, but since he cut ties with the SHIELD a lot of these connections went up in smoke and, regrettably, Steve Rogers did not know a guy.

He did not, but, as it turned out, Doctor Strange did. Not only did he know a guy, he knew an entire clan of once-powerful mystics who doubled as professional graverobbers and had connections all over the Chinese antiques mafia.

Phone calls were made, plans were discussed, and by the time Steve, a handful of ex-Avengers and some new faces he managed to round up landed in Beijing the Zhang clan was waiting for them with people and equipment ready to go, and the probable location of the three missing pieces all worked out.

Used as he was to taking the lead, Steve was both appreciative of and, honestly, quite nervous about having been swept up in the flow like this, but since the matter was extremely time-sensitive he was ready to swallow his pride and follow along.

As it turned out, not everyone on his team felt the same way.

About two hours into packing and organising people into teams (three teams for the three tombs with three graverobbers for team leaders) Steve was approached by Doctor Strange's main contact, a man called Zhang Rishan.

Director Zhang did not look happy.

'Tell me Captain, your friend, Mr Stark - would you say his behaviour today is typical?'

Steve stifled a groan, opting for a deep sigh instead.

'No, I'm afraid usually he's much worse.'

Director Zhang nodded.

'That settles it then. He's going with the Iron Triangle.'

Steve followed his gaze all the way to the other end of the hangar, to a white minivan and the three people around it. If Steve had to sum up his first impression he would have described them as a middle-aged substitute teacher, a slightly older guy who was as round as he was loud and some twenty-something prettyboy who never quite grew out of his emo phase. He sighed and tuned back to Director Zhang.

'I take it you don't like this 'Iron Triangle' very much?'

Director Zhang opened his arms in an elegant shrug.

'Let me put it this way: there is some lingering tension due to conflicting loyalties and... certain past events, but I have no personal problem with any one of them. I'm certainly not trying to punish them by foisting your friend on them. No, out of all three team leaders Wu Xie is best qualified to deal with him.'

'How so?'

'Because I don't want to work with him and judging by his performance today he'd just waste Xie Yuchen's time and energy by trying to engage him in a power struggle the whole way. Wu Xie has the air of a harmless nobody even if he's anything but, so he's unlikely to provoke your friend's ego by merely existing. Besides, his greatest strength is how well he gets along with even the most difficult people. Give him enough time and he will befriend a stone statue.'

Steve sniggered and shook his head.

'Oh good! I just hope this friendly energy keeps up when Stark tries to steamroll over him.'

'That will not be a problem' said Director Zhang 'Wu Xie himself may not be naturally confrontational and might let him get his way, but the Iron Triangle is three people for a reason.'

He turned towards the trio in the far end of the hangar, nodding at the boy in black.

'I haven't worked with Zhang Qiling since the sixties, but unless he'd become a fundamentally different person since, I can tell you exactly how any disagreement will go. Mr Stark will have his opinion, Wu Xie will try to reason will him, Zhang Qiling will listen to them for about one and a half minutes and then take whatever action HE thinks is best.'

This time Steve didn't hold back a snigger. Stark was going to have and interesting week.

#mcu #the avengers #captain america #steve rogers #dmbj #zhang rishan #wu xie #crossover #tony stark #in spirit #iron triangle #also in spirit

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general--winter · 2 years ago

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I would like to request headcanons about Sasuke and reader just getting together and kinda being shy and how they are like super in love but also don’t know yet how to express it any it often gets always and stuff if you know what I mean? Sorry if that’s confusing I’d just really like to see headcanons about Sasuke in the beginning of a relationship thank u very much <3

author's note: My first ask! Thank you so much this made me VERY excited! I hope I handled Sosuke Bosuke Sasuke alright, I don't really have much experience writing for him. I also hope that this was what you were asking for, I may have went too far thinking of a little concept lmao. I hope you enjoy!

rating: teen

fandom: naruto

pairing: shy!uchiha sasuke x shy!gn!reader

warnings: canon-typical violence

word count: 1428

summary: After the war, you meet Sasuke as an innkeeper. How do you guys manage to become close?

I personally imagine Sasuke as a guy who really bottles up his feelings, so instead of acting as shy as he is I think he’d come across as careless or not interested. This is probably a defensive mechanism that he’s developed to make sure people with the potential to become close to him stay away. We all know he has a hard time dealing with his feelings towards people he loves, whether they’re platonic or romantic. He just loves too hard for his heart to handle.

So when he meets you, he knows he’s in trouble. Originally, you had run into him on one of his reconnaissance missions shortly after the end of the Fourth Shinobi World War. After the war, you retired from service as a shinobi and settled in a small village in the Land of Fire, looking to restart your life far away from the troubles of your past. The tavern and inn that you run is extremely successful, since it runs through a main road between great villages. You’re known as the keep, and in town, many are shocked that you’re able to do the work you do with such a nervous demeanor around people. It was work you enjoyed, though, damn being nervous around everyone that came in when you had to work the desk for your employees!

On an unassuming night, Sasuke ended up there, unable to travel any farther due to the darkness. He was focused on getting into a room, sealing it, and resting fitfully until sunrise until he laid his eyes on you tending his ryo and getting the key to the room upstairs. Something about the way you scuttled around like a mouse behind the desk made his heart skip a beat. Personally, your brain was already fried because a very attractive, mysterious, and polite stranger had ended up at your inn and you had to check him in. You handed him his keys and you didn’t see him again for a while, only catching his keys in the drop-off basket the next morning.

Over time, he ended up staying at your inn multiple times. (He swears it was by accident every time, but you suspect he did it on purpose. Like he would ever admit it.) Occasionally, you would gather up the courage to engage him in small talk, but his answers would be dishearteningly blunt and he would never reciprocate. Through those answers though, you were able to learn a bit. He was a shinobi from Konohagakure. His name was Sasuke, and he was around your age. You knew it was wistful thinking, as he was obviously not interested, but sometimes on shift you would fantasize about confessing your blooming crush to him. (Not like you would be able to, you would become too flustered at the thought of actually doing it before you got a word out of your mouth.)

One night, however, while you were sleeping in your small apartment within the tavern, you heard a loud crash. You immediately woke up bearing the kunai you kept underneath your pillow. Slithering out of bed in your pajamas, you slipped on a pair of sandals and stalked through the halls of the inn, trying to locate where this sound came from.

Faint sounds of fighting echoed from the end of the hall. Sasuke’s room is that way, you thought, clenching tighter onto your kunai. You wondered if perhaps this had to do with one of his missions, but you didn’t care — intruders on your beloved property, the one you tended to day in and day out, had to be taken care of. Something strange and tingly also stirred within you at the thought of coming to Sasuke’s aid.

As you approached the door, you immediately sensed an incredibly strong seal on its lock. Fuinjutsu was not your specialty, but you got to work undoing it anyways. It was not the most complicated seal you had encountered, but from its power you could tell that Sasuke was an… incredibly powerful shinobi. Butterflies erupted in your stomach at the thought. No! I can think about that later, right now an intruder is in here, you thought to yourself as you finally got the seal undone.

At that moment, though, a body came flying through the wooden door, splintering it and launching you against the wall of the hallway. They recovered quickly, their kunai piercing in towards you. You redirected it, disarming them and shoving them back into the room.

“What are you doing here?” Sasuke asked you as you stumbled into the room with the assailant. He sounded pissed off but… was that a hint of fear in his voice?

“This is my property. I have to defend it, at any cost,” you told him. Any shred of shyness was gone the second you realized someone was actually intruding on your inn. At these words, Sasuke turned to face the assailant you’d pushed into the room, who was glaring at you and preparing to strike. You had your kunai in a defensive position, but before they had the chance to leap, Sasuke’s back appeared in front of you and picked them up by the collar of their shirt. He whispered something in their ear. Before you could realize what was going on, the attacker had gasped and fled straight through the shattered window.

“Are you okay?” you asked Sasuke, walking up to him. “Did they hurt you?”

“Yes, I'm okay. Are you?” he replied, his guard lowering slightly. You felt your face heat up. That was definitely the first time he asked you a question outside of if there was a room available. The fact that I know that is pathetic. I doubt he cares, he’s so apathetic.

“Probably just uh… bruised from that bump I took. No big deal, so don’t worry about me!” You brought a hand to the back of your head to itch, desperate for anything to do with your limbs to work out all of the nervous energy of being so close to the man you fantasize about but will probably never have.

For Sasuke himself, the situation was equally nerve wracking. Before this mission, Naruto and Sakura had managed to torture the information out of him that there was a person he may have the slightest interest in romantically. At first, Sasuke had suppressed thoughts of you. He was a shinobi, running S-rank missions all around the known world. He could not afford to say anything to you, nor did he think his heart could handle it. You would just give him one more weak spot, another point for the enemy to target. His former teammates, however, absolutely pummeled him one night about how he "should shoot his shot" and "you never know what might happen". Sasuke was dead set on ignoring them until the next time he visited the inn, when you continued to ask him questions about himself. Something about the way you glanced away and tapped your feet as you spoke, the way you rambled on and on struck his heart in a way he knew he wouldn't be able to ever escape. His resolve was not there, but Sasuke knew he had to say something.

He knew if he didn’t suck it up and say something to you now, those two would figure out and pull him by the ear to this village just to tell you how he felt, which would be even more embarrassing for him. The desire to prove his idiot friends wrong pulled the question right out of him when he looked into your soft eyes, illuminated by the moonlight coming in through the window.

“I’ll be coming through this town again in two weeks. Would you like to go to dinner after I check in?”

.-.-.-.-.-.

“I thought I had made you pass out at the time.”

“I remember that night. You caught me before I fell to the ground! There were stars on the ceiling for a second or two, for sure.”

“You probably had a mild concussion.”

“Or did you ever stop to consider I was so infatuated with you that your actions caused me to short-circuit?”

“You certainly are the type to do that. It’s amusing.”

“And you say that as if you wouldn’t do the same thing if you had been in my position.”

“No, I wouldn’t.”

“Yeah, on second thought you would have just stood there and scowled at me if I asked…”

“And then I would have accepted. It… would have been a huge mistake not to.”

#naruto #naruto fanfiction #uchiha sasuke #sasuke x reader #naruto x reader #request #headcanon #naruto headcanons #gender neutral reader #oh sosuke bosuke #my little edgelord

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motions1ckness · 1 year ago

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hi 🙂 can you do roman roy x asexual fem reader where reader has a crush on roman (shaky hands blushy cheeks when he is close) and gardener in logan's house, so one day roman is walking in garden and hears her talking on the phone with her friend about how she doesnt want to have sex with anyone, and will never have children etc. And realizes she is just like him. Aaaand He starts talking to her...

ofc and i hope you enjoy!

content: ace!reader, f!reader, pining, fluff, mention of sex

Your mornings started with a 20-minute commute to manage Logan Roy’s garden. What the fuck does he know about flowers? To your surprise, a lot. Marica hired you as a gift for Logan. She told you his mother used to bring discounted bouquets home when he was a kid, so no pressure.

Today went on like the others, showing up at nine, and doing your job, except for the part where his kids stopped by. Fuck.

His youngest, Roman always caught your eye. Usually, you would be there for a few hours and be gone by noon, but now Roman was here. You tried prolonging your stay, now glad you began wearing summer dresses to combat the warmth.

Frankly, you've never spoken to any of Logan’s kids. They'd sometimes call out to you, or Roman would comment on Logan, “only hiring hot people.”

Before heading out, you phoned your roommate, who teases you because you casually walk into a billionaire's home every day.

They picked up within two rings “Hey, what’s up are you almost off yet? Or does the old man want you to be human furniture?” They say with a sarcastic tone. You laugh but also don't put it past the family.

“I’m about to go, it's just, you know his son? Roman, the one I keep telling you about?” You were slightly pacing, turning to peer inside, but it’s not like you could look in if you want to. Logan made it impossible for anyone to peek in.

The call caused Logan to notice you chatting and not working. He sent Roman to check on you, which caused him to feel Logan was punishing him by sending him outside. With a soft exhale, mixed with a groan, Roman headed towards the terrace.

“Oh? Should I break out candles? Pre-order a new mattress?” The other line egged on. You rolled your eyes at the comment, completely forgetting you were at work. The terrace was rather big. It wrapped around half the suite. Making Roman’s entrance undetected.

“Yeah, sure. But for real, It’s not like a sex thing. You know I’m not into that,” you slightly clear your throat, embarrassed by the thought someone would hear you from inside. Unbeknownst to you, Roman was listening to the conversation. When he heard you talking about sex, he panicked and moved toward the wall so you couldn’t see him. He thought it would be worse if you found out someone heard you. “It’s already bad enough it’s my boss's son.” That caught Roman’s attention, apart from him fearing you were talking about Kendall, but he couldn’t stop listening. Like a book he couldn’t put down.

“I think that makes it more fun. You know, sneaking around. But without the sex. Anyway, what was he wearing? I need more details than just his name and what the press says. C’mon, tell me who is the Roman Roy.” You liked how engaged your friend was, fearing opening up about your crush would end in humiliation.

“I don’t know what he’s wearing, I can’t see through the glass. But uh, I don’t know ‘the real Roman Roy'. I don’t interact with any of them. They’re all scary as shit, but I think it's time to head out. It’s fucking scalding.” Followed by exchanging goodbyes and looking up when the next train was going out.

Roman knew that conversation was about him, which made him nervous talking to you. It wasn't the first time you piqued his interest, how your wardrobe changed according to the weather, and how meticulous you get about the garden's appearance. You fascinated him. He also felt relief hearing you didn't want to sleep with him. Intimacy was his grey area, and he loved not feeling pressure to do it.

Roman waited a few seconds before emerging and speaking up, “Uh, my dad um, just wanted to know what you were doing out here,” Oh my god. He undoubtedly heard you. You wanted to curl up and die or resign out of embarrassment. Maybe he JUST got here, let's hope.

You turned to face him, feeling your face flush, “Oh, just heading out, looking when the next train is going out,” You put on a smile, hoping it makes you seem coy. It didn’t. Even if he didn’t overhear you, your face was beet red and your hands were slightly shaking.

“Well, I was about to head out, maybe, I can give you a ride? Or get a drink somewhere?” You could've sworn your face turned scarlet. Holy Shit. You stood in awe for a second, unable to fathom the words he spat out. “Um, y/n? Are you having a heat stroke or something?” He shields his eyes, feeling the heat against his skin, “He is a piece of shit for making you work out here, wow.”

You finally grasped what he said, “Y-yeah it’s actual hell out here, but going out sounds fun yeah.” You tried your best to sound easygoing after facing the worst embarrassment you've ever endured.

“Cool, uh, my driver is downstairs already,” he said in a merciful tone, gesturing for you to exit first.

The car ride was mostly silent. A few questions got thrown out asking about your job to ease the drive. The bar was incredibly upscale, feeling out of place arriving in your work clothes. Roman did his best to make you feel comfortable, he paid for the tab, and reserved a quiet area; he was trying to impress you. He asked about your life while you tried your best to pry about his.

“C’mon, tell me about something not so surface,” you paw at him, the two of you facing each other. You scanned his face as he took a sip of his drink, patiently waiting for his response.

He set the drink down, slightly smiling to himself because of the comeback he came up with, “So you could know ‘the real Roman Roy?’"

#roman roy #roman roy fanfic #roman roy x reader #roman roy x you #succession #succession fanfic #roman roy drabble #roman roy fluff

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nekoannie-chan · 1 year ago

Text

You're not my type

You’re not my type

Title: You’re not my type.

Fandom: Marvel, Captain America.

Pairing: Steve Rogers X Agent of S.H.I.E.L.D.!Reader, ? X Agent of S.H.I.E.L.D.!Reader

Rating: Teen.

Word count: 805 words.

Warnings: Break up, engagement.

Summary: You discover that Steve is not your type.

A/N: This is my entry to @multifandom-flash, Annie-3002 & square 4:

"You’re not my type."

You can read it on Wattpad and Ao3 too.

@saiyanprincessswanie

My native language is Spanish so I wanna improve my writing skills in English if you notice any mistakes, please let me know and I will correct them.

I don’t give any kind of permission that my fics to be posted on other platforms or languages (I translate myself my work) or the use of my graphics (my dividers are included in this), I did them exclusively for my fics, please respect my work and don't steal it. There are some people here who make dividers that anyone can use, mine is not this type, please look for the other's people. The only exception is the ones I gifted 'cuz now belong to someone else. If you find any of my works on a different platform and are not one of my accounts, please let me know. Reblogs and comments are always welcome.

DISCLAIMER: I don't own Marvel's characters (unfortunately), except for the original characters and the story.

Add yourself to my taglist here.

My other media where I publish: Ao3, Wattpad, ffnet, TikTok, Instagram, Twitter.

If you like it, please vote, comment, and give me feedback to improve my skills and reblog.

Tags: @sinceimetyou @unnuevosoltransformalarealidad @navybrat817 @angrythingstarlight @shield-agent78 @charmed-asylum @pandaxnienke @real-fbi @smokeandnailz @white-wolf1940 @tenaciousperfectionunknown @xoxonotme @bluemusickid @leyannrae @harrysthiccthighsss @marvelatthisonee @caplanbuckybarness @sapphire-rogerss @lizzieolseniskinda @notyourtypicalrose @hallecarey1 @nana1000night @talia-rumlow @writingshae @alexxavicry @azulatodoryuga @daemonslittlebitch @chaoticcollectivenightmare @endlesstwanted @chemtrails-club @marigoldreamer @whiskeytangofoxtrot5555 @here4thefanfics @theestorm @patzammit @kmc1989

The dim light of dusk filtered through the half-open curtains, Steve Rogers stood at the window, his eyes lost in the horizon. The silence in the room was overwhelming, interrupted only by the creaking of the wood beneath his feet. The tension seemed to increase with every moment.

Beside him, you watched Steve with tired eyes, eyes that had cried too much in the last few days. The news that Steve planned to return to the past to live a life he had never had with Peggy had been a devastating blow. He had dared to tell you.

"I'm sorry, but I have to try" was what Steve said to you, he tried to hug you, but you refused, and you left the room, you didn't want to see him again. You wanted him to leave your house, you didn't plan to move out, he was the one who had to move all his belongings out.

Months passed since that day, months in which you desperately tried to fill the void Steve left behind, although you finally found comfort in someone else, only one person had come looking for you and he really seemed concerned about you. Until one day, without warning, Steve returned.

You were sitting on the couch, flipping through a book but not really reading it. The sound of the door opening made you look up, and there he was, standing in the doorway, you thought you had been very clear. Steve stood in front of you in Captain America's uniform, but something in his look had changed, something you couldn't immediately identify.

"I'm back," Steve said with a nervous smile. "I think I made it."

You held his gaze, he didn't seem to notice the new photos that replaced the ones you'd once taken with him and displayed in the living room.

"You did it," you murmured. Steve nodded, slowly moving closer.

"Yes, but that's not the only thing I want to tell you. I realized that I really want to be with you."

You stared at him, still amazed at how blind he could be.

"But we're not the same anymore, Steve. You made a decision, a decision that destroyed me at the time and left scars."

Steve sighed, lowering his gaze, he didn't look like he was going to give up that easily. "I know I hurt you, and I'm sorry. But I want to try again. I want to be with you, to move forward together."

You got up from the couch, moving away from him, but closer to the door. "It's not that simple, Steve. You can't go back and pretend nothing happened. You left everything behind, including me. You left me here, alone, wondering if you'd ever come back, I couldn't find comfort."

Steve followed you, trying to grab your hand. "I know, and I'm sorry. But I made that decision because I thought it was the right thing to do at the time. I didn't know what I was going to lose."

You broke free from his grip. "I'm sorry, but you're not my type."

"I didn't expect it to be easy, but I'm willing to try. We can get through this together."

You shook your head slowly.

"No, Steve. I don't want to live in the past anymore. I can't build my future with you after all this." You said. Steve looked at you sadly.

"So that's it then, we say goodbye here?".

"Yes, Steve. This is the best thing for both of us, I've already moved on with my life in case you hadn't noticed." You raised your hand to show him the engagement ring.

He nodded resignedly, stepping back a few paces, that's when he noticed the photos. "I'm sorry, I really am," Steve mumbled and walked out of your house, closing the door behind him.

You plopped down on the couch, when you said you wanted to erase him from your life, you meant it, you never wanted to see him again, however, you had to admit you felt some satisfaction when he found out about your engagement.

The sun was setting on the horizon when you heard the door open, your fiancé had just returned from his mission, and you smiled at the sight of him.

"Brock! " You exclaimed with excitement.

"I came back and stopped by to buy you some cupcakes, the ones you like the most. "

"It'll be dessert for dinner. "

Then you would take it upon yourself to tell her what had happened that day. Although it probably wouldn't be any problem, they had already talked about that if it ever happened, but what mattered most to you was that they would continue with the wedding preparations, where they evidently hadn't invited Steve, you even felt much better without him in your life.

#multifandom flash #multifandom flash bingo #round 3 #steve rogers x reader

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heavyhitterheaux · 1 year ago

Text

Everything But the Skirt (NSFW)

First Lady of Private Garden Fic

Synopsis: Jack doesn't like your choice of attire and an argument ensues. Eventually he gives in, but in the back of your mind you knew that you weren't getting off easy.

Pairing: Husband!Jack Harlow x Wife!Reader

First Lady of Private Garden Masterlist 1

First Lady of Private Garden Masterlist 2

Requested by: an amazing anon

Do not engage if you are underage

Please Do Not Repost My Content Anywhere

You were walking past Jack who was on the phone with Clay when he did a double take and his eyes suddenly went wide.

"Clay, let me call you back. Uh babe?"

"Yes?" You said in response as you went to stand in front of him before leaning down to kiss him.

"Are you… actually going to wear that outside this house? Because uh…?

"Wear what smush?"

"That skirt." He pointed to it and you looked down at it to try and understand what he meant by it but you didn't.

"What's wrong with it?" You asked before looking back up at him confused.

"Your ass is almost out, that's what's wrong with it."

"I wear things like this all the time so what's the difference?"

"The difference is that I'm usually with you and it's usually never that short. Oh, and you're usually here…. At home."

"It's not even that short. I like it and want to wear it."

"I like it too but I also don't want anyone to try and take advantage of you. You know how people are."

"Babe, you're making a big deal out of nothing. I have a big ass ring on my finger." You mumbled as you started to get upset.

"If it was nothing then I wouldn't have said anything and like they give a fuck if you have a ring or not. Go change it." Jack responded to you without missing a beat and all you did was roll your eyes.

"This goes with my outfit and I'm not changing it because I'm supposed to be leaving in ten minutes. I'm not going and looking for something completely different."

"Roll your eyes like that at me again and I guarantee you that they'll get stuck like that. I don't want you leaving this house in that."

"Then come with me."

"You know I have something to do already and besides even if I was going with you, you wouldn't be wearing that."

"Why are you being so difficult about this?"

"So now I'm being difficult because I want my wife’s ass covered when she leaves this house? Make it make sense. In the time that you've been down here arguing with me, it could have already been changed."

"I'm not changing anything. As long as I'm comfortable and I am okay with it, why should anything else matter?"

"Oh, so now my opinion doesn't matter?" Jack responded while getting defensive.

"I never said that, Jackman."

"In not so many words you did. You're getting upset because I want to look out for you. Did I get that right?"

"No, I'm getting upset because there is absolutely nothing wrong with it."

"If it's not that short, bend down in it."

With a huff that you let out, you simply got into a low squat position before coming back up.

"That's not what I asked you to do."

"It's the same exact thing!"

"No it's not. I said "bend down, not squat down." You then bent down and you felt the material from the skirt rise up a few centimeters and that was it.

"And I see your thong. Take it off."

"I'm not taking anything off and I'm leaving."

All Jack did was laugh to himself and shake his head.

"Hmm, okay then."

You had suddenly become nervous once you heard him laugh since he didn't put up any more of a fight.

"Wait, what?" You asked while looking at him.

Jack simply shrugged.

"You're grown, go ahead." Jack said as he started to scroll through his phone. That's when you knew that he was pissed.

"Why all of a sudden are you not saying anything about it?"

"You already made up your mind, didn't you?" He asked while looking up at you.

"Yes, but…"

"Then go. I'll see you when you get back. Don't want you to be late." Jack said as he stood up and leaned down to kiss you.

"Have fun."

The entire time that you were out you felt uneasy because of how you had left things with Jack. I mean you were grown and you could wear what you wanted, so you still didn't understand the big deal behind it. You had your friends with you and you knew for a fact that they would protect you if they needed to but all in all you were dreading going back home.

It was around three in the morning when you entered the house and it was silent meaning that Jack was probably already asleep. You turned on the light to walk up the steps to peek over and see that he was sitting in the living room just staring at you.

"What the? Why are you being weird?" You asked as you tried to start making your way up the steps but instead Jack called you over.

"Come here for a second."

"What babe, I'm tired." You said as you still had your foot on the step.

"Just come here."

You walked into the living room and threw your phone and keys on the opposite couch before walking over to Jack.

"Yes?" Was all you said before Jack gestured for you to sit on his lap.

"Did you have fun?"

"I did."

"Hmm."

"Smush, what is your deal? If you need to say something just say it."

Jack didn't respond to you but instead reached up your skirt to play with the waistband of your thong while not breaking eye contact with you. Now your heart was pounding.

"Babe…."

All he did was take your arm and place a small kiss on the inside of your wrist.

"Why is your heart beating so fast, princess?"

"I…."

"You nervous?"

"What? No."

"You sure about that?" Jack asked you again before placing kisses all along your neck to the skin that was exposed.

"Yes, I'm not nervous."

"I don't like when you lie to me."

All you then heard was the material from your thong rip as Jack pulled it.

"Babe!"

"What?"

"That was one of my favorite ones!"

"I'll buy you more." He responded by shrugging and throwing it to the side before holding up his fingers to your mouth. You immediately opened it and began sucking on them and when Jack was satisfied he took them out and quickly inserted them in you.

"You like disobeying me, don't you?" Jack asked you as he was moving his fingers in and out of you at a painfully slow pace.

"What? No. I just…"

"No, you do like disobeying me simply because you know what's going to come later when you least expect it."

"I didn't do anything wrong."

"And that's your problem. You never think that you do." Jack said while eyeing you and you couldn't help but to roll your eyes. You didn't think he noticed, but he stopped his movements abruptly and told you to stand back up.

"Take off everything but the skirt since you still want to be a fucking smart ass."

"I..what?"

"You've been asking a lot of questions tonight. Do I have you flustered mamas? Do what I said and do it now."

You got up from his lap and slowly took off your top before taking off your bra and throwing it to the side and starting to play with your pierced nipples.

"Did I tell you to do that?" Jack asked and you immediately halted your movements and looked at him confused.

"I asked you a question so be a good girl and answer it."

"No."

"I didn't think so."

You peered down to see the obvious tent in Jack’s shorts, but as you got closer he pushed your hand away.

"Don't you want me to take care of that for you?" You asked and he simply shook his head no.

"We'll get there eventually, but for now come back up here."

All you could think in the back of your mind was how sore you were going to be later on in the day after you woke up.

Once you sat back in his lap, he wasted no time with placing your left nipple in his mouth and biting down lightly, making you gasp out in pleasure as he rolled the right one with his fingers before switching to give each one the same treatment.

Once he had detached himself from you, he started to place small kisses all over your chest with leaving bites every so often as the wetness between your thighs continued to increase.

"Babe, hurry up." You whispered as you threw your head back in pleasure as Jack had inserted his fingers in you once more.

All he did was laugh before saying anything to you.

"Be careful what you wish for." He softly whispered in your ear before kissing the shell of it and increased the pace of his fingers.

He tightly held onto your hip so that you would stay in place and not move as he slowly began massaging your clit.

"Baby, I'm about to…."

"Then do it." Was all Jack said before you came all over his fingers.

He didn't even give you a chance to recover before he stood up and told you to get on all fours on the couch.

Jack then got behind you before sliding down his shorts and boxer briefs before slowly stroking himself as the precum was leaking from the tip and you heard him hiss.

"Babe?"

"Good girls are patient, but you showed me earlier tonight that you’re not one. I already let you cum once."

You didn't say anything in response as Jack slowly entered you bottoming out and throwing his head back in pleasure. He gave you a few seconds to get yourself together before slowly moving in and out of you a few times.

Then without warning, he increased his pace as he held tightly onto both of your hips so it would decrease your chances of moving away from him.

"Shiiiit." You said as you could feel one of your hands slipping from holding you up because of the increase in pace.

"So you like getting attention from other men who aren't me, huh?" Jack asked you and you struggled to speak because of how much pleasure you were in.

When you didn't respond to it, he slid out of you before you felt a hard smack to your ass making you jump as he asked you again.

"I thought I asked you a question? You know it's rude to not answer your husband when he's speaking to you."

"No I don't."

"You sure about that? Because you still walked out the fucking house with that skirt on."

"But…"

"But what, princess?" Jack asked as he slid back into you.

"Oohh oh fuck."

"Last time I checked you were married because I'm the one who put that damn ring on your finger, isn't that right?"

"Yes!"

Without warning Jack flipped you over so that you were laying on your back and put his hand around your neck and lightly squeezed as he continued to thrust into you.

By this time, your eyes were rolling in the back of your head because of how much pleasure you were in and Jack wasn't showing you any type of mercy.

You could tell he was getting close because of his thrusts becoming sloppy and his grip on your neck was loosening.

You could feel yourself about to hit your peak before Jack slid out of you and placed your legs on his shoulders as his tongue started to work on your folds making you throw your head back in pleasure.

"Babeeee oh fuck." You gasped out and Jack noticed you slowly moving away from him as he was quick to pull you back and start to suck on your clit and wasn't letting up.

"Shiiit baby, I can't take it." You yelled out, but all Jack did was keep eye contact with you as he sucked harder making you scream out.

"JACKKKKK!"

You then let out a string of curse words as you squirted all over his face and the only thing he did was keep sucking on it as he then inserted three of his fingers.

"Babyyyyyy." You pleaded with him, but he wasn't letting up. Then you had a realization that this was what he was talking about earlier when he told you 'be careful what you wish for.'

"Nah, you acting like you available to every fucking man in Atlanta. Whose pussy is this?"

"Yours!"

"Is it? Because you seemed to have forgotten that tonight."

You couldn't even answer him as you once again squirted all over his fingers. He simply picked you up as he sat down on the couch and put his hands behind his head.

"You know what you're supposed to do so get to it. Make me cum. And no we not taking any breaks. You had all that mouth earlier so we're going to put it to good use."

You tried to give yourself a few seconds to recover, but Jack wasn't having it as he pushed his hips up into you making you let out a loud moan.

To give yourself leverage, you placed your hands on his shoulders as you got into a comfortable rhythm. As your head rested against your hand that was on his shoulder, you heard him softly moaning in your ear and that was enough for you to increase your pace.

His hands went back to your hips as he began to help guide you since he could tell that you were starting to get tired.

"Fuck, baby I'm almost there."

All it took was another minute before you felt him twitch inside of you before the warm sticky liquid was all over you.

"Get on your knees."

You lifted yourself off of Jack before doing what you were told as you settled in between his legs in front of him and you began to lick off the cum wherever it had landed before taking him in your mouth.

He made a makeshift ponytail of your hair in order to get it out of the way. As you used your right hand to help you where your mouth couldn't reach.

You went slowly at first and tried to give him enough time to recover, but you thought about how he showed you no mercy so he wasn't about to get any either.

As you increased your pace, the hold on your hair got tighter and without warning, Jack lightly pushed you away from him before standing up and stroking himself.

"You want me to cum all over that pretty little face?"

You eagerly nodded as you closed your eyes and within seconds felt it all over your face and chest.

Without him having to tell you to do it, you took your finger and began to run it all along your face before putting it in your mouth to suck it off. Once he was satisfied with how much you had gotten off, he laid down on the couch and picked you up off the floor to place you on top of him before reaching up to kiss you as you eagerly kissed him back as he began to play with the fabric of your skirt.

"I should have known this was going to happen when you actually let me leave." You muttered while he just looked at you.

"And I know someone tried to be a smart ass and talk to you even though you have a ring on your finger. Am I right?"

"Well yes, but…"

"I just want certain things to be for my eyes only. That's all."

"That's fair."

"Besides I distinctly remember getting yelled out when I wore gray sweatpants and you told me that I better not leave the house like that."

"Because your dick is fucking huge. That's why."

"And your ass isn't?" Jack asked as he was palming it and all you could do was laugh.

"Touché."

"I still don't like how short this is."

"I think I learned my lesson."

"Uh? Who said that I was done teaching it?" Jack asked you but before you could respond, he grabbed a hold of the side of the skirt where the small slit was and ripped it in half making you gasp.

"Now it won't be a problem anymore."

"You cannot… you cannot be fucking serious."

"You're already on thin ice so don't test me."

"I didn't cut up your sweatpants did I?"

"I changed before I left the house so you had no reason to."

"You owe me a new thong and skirt."

"I have to see it and approve it first before you buy it."

"Fine." You responded by shrugging.

But little did he know, you had the same exact skirt in three different colors and was going to wear another one tomorrow.

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#jack harlow #jack harlow fic #jack harlow fanfic #jack harlow x reader #jack harlow x black reader #jack harlow angst #jack harlow smut #jack harlow imagine #jack harlow concept #jack harlow fanfiction #first lady of pg

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kinetic-elaboration · 6 months ago

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June 7: Friday

Day. Whole-ass day.

I decided I couldn't deal with work stuff this late in the week so I ignored anything that hadn't been started and also, the last hour, my inbox. You can't send me emails 10 minutes before I walk out the door. That's illegal, actually.

Left early for a doctor's appointment I impulse-made yesterday when I swiveled very fast from 'it's fine' to 'what if I'm dying' to 'the truth is between these two things.' Ugh, I am so brave. The provider's moved to a new building that is not really conveniently located and also I get nervous about things I can't picture. So I was quasi-anxious. And there was someone behind me on the bus listening to a whole-ass tv show on his phone without earphones, so I couldn't really hear the stop announcements. I dearly desired for him to spontaneously combust. But it was fine otherwise. Nice new place I guess. I saw some geese.

While I was waiting around, I texted R and B. R controls the tenor of every conversation by ignoring that with which she does not want to engage. So we didn't talk about anything deep, just respective holidays and weekends. I am trying to get B to go out to a gay bar with me. He wants to go to one a bit farther away than the city whose queer life I'm used to (by used to I mean know a tiny little bit lololol) which is fine, I don't care, I need to be around fewer straight people. Butch girlfriend when.

The bus trip home was like a tour of a totally different land--one county over and it's like woah, what's all this. Had to haul myself all the way out in the other direction to the pharmacy, then spent a while smelling soaps. I'm a simple creature. So fucking tired when I got home that I fell asleep pretty fast. Like dead to the world asleep. Blackout nap. I'm awake now but at what cost.

Then tumblr logged me out for some reason. I have literally never logged out of tumblr on this computer lol, so I don't know what happened there. This used to be a major fear of mine because of my tumblr-and-email troubles a few years ago but I was able to log back in, so, thanks past me for fixing that.

#the year 2024 #2024: rl

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wild-wombytch · 2 months ago

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Ok, I'll pin this before shits go insane. The TL;DR is that I'll be temporarily uninstalling social medias so I have no idea whether I'll reply to about everything or when. All the following posts on this blog are queued. I'm probably not leaving radblr, just going on hiatus.

Putting the rest under the cut because I feel the best thing to do is being open-hearted and honest. I want to explain the reasoning nobody cares about behind it and I don't want to spam everyone's dash about this : (TW negativity, mental health, trauma dumping?, personal, pretty lengthy, blah)

I'm definitely overdramatic due to my own mental shits, but I'm getting SERIOUS anxiety from my reply to this post about poverty and middle class.

I don't regret it per se. I almost chose to ignore it because this is a painful topic and those who never experienced it wouldn't believe the amount of spits in the face you get from the middle-class as someone poor in the form of about daily microagressions and what trash you interiorize from it (you don't get much from billionaires because they don't even know we exist and they clearly don't frequent us, they fuck with us as a class but not on an individual level). As everything engaged with emotionally, it can quickly become a bomb. Yet, radblr has made (and still makes, we're all WIP after all) me someone less passive and more inclined to speak up. I'll never be grateful enough for that. So I chose to "woman-up" and make my voice heard. As insignificant as it seems. Because no one can talk for me better than myself.

Maybe it's absolutely nothing for a lot of people (and I guess it objectively IS nothing) but it is ENORMOUS for someone battling crippling anxiety (and I'm not choosing the word "crippling" lightly. My mental health literally gives me such tangible physical pains, gluing themselves to my already existing back issues/arthrodesis that I am physically disabled. I am heavily medicated. I am in a day hospital. I recently genuinely considered asking for a full-time internment in a mental hospital for maybe a month or two because I am becoming dangerous for myself and a burden). I used to be so passive, shy and anxious that I wouldn't voice my opinion at all in fear, that's how I got into the TRA movement so obediently. Exactly the example of Solanas about women completely conditioned out of their female power and inner worlds by their fathers, then becoming the emotional rags and handmaiden of every other men. I'm slowly unlearning that. Participating in something like that was part of the process. I don't know if I dose well. If I should dose and not be too "spicy" at all. Probably not. Radfems showed me the key to my shackles and I'm just starting to understand how it works. Yet, now I'm projecting all of my past experiences on this and fear I'm from one hand encouraged in a direction and going to get my neck broken for it from the other as a punishment. I shouldn't care, yet I still do at this point of my journey.

Again, I'm a mental mess. All is a bit blurry and unreasonable when we talk about anxiety/ptsd. I fear I'm going to get terfed out the terves and cancelled, do to speak. And it is oddly terrifying due to the mess I internalized and how highly and gratefully I look at radfems, with my tendency to idealize.

So when I was about 70% of my reply and I rechecked the whole thread to see it was Tepkunset out of all the Tumblr users I was "siding with"...fuck, did I stutter a nervous laugh. When I made this blog, I made a point to avoid interacting with hers, because I also used (and still do, to some degrees) highly look up to her. Like radfems, she is smart, brave and outspoken and I was all starry-eyed for her. She doesn't know of me and would probably block me on sight now (and probably will if that's not already done by seeing my reply), but she had genuinely been a model to me and got me in social justice and to think deeply about a lot of things, including myself as someone existing within bigger systems. I'm not making shits up when I say she changed the course of my life and I wouldn't be here in my journey if it wasn't for her. It was a process for me to actually embrace "heresy" and accept that I disagreed with her, my icon, about gender issues (which is a shame, because I think if cancel culture wasn't such a thing, she would genuinely be an amazing person to debate with). I've never been into celebs cult but that definitely was a close one. That's why I didn't interact with her blog, other than sometimes paying a visit and reblogging through other blogs as to not be blocked by her. Because I genuinely still respect her and want to hear about her thoughts even if I don't necessarily agree with them anymore, and want to see if she's okay and sometimes I rake my drawers to send money her way when life gets Bad™.

So that's some bullshit irony there that I feel torn in my "loyalties" among people I deeply admire yet disagree with and who themselves probably only intereacted with me anecdotally and know of me as much as they know of the flies in their kitchens. So essentially all that noise is in my head only yet what if I told you my back pains that almost miraculously vanished after seeing an osteopath yesterday just came back and now I can't lay on my back at all, no matter how many painkillers I take? Yes, I'm stressing out that bad over a Tumblr post no one cares about. If it was a telenovela it would be one of these scenes where a character is caught between a fight between their current crush and ex and has to pick a side and gets rightfully dumped by both.

So yeah, it also stirred a lot of things I haven't processed yet about my TRA days and even shittier moments of my life. I definitely wasn't ready for that.

I also genuinely internalized that I shine in society by not being very smart or useful or assertive like the women I admire so much. I'm not even sure about what I write, because I have no inner voice, my thoughts happen as I voice them, my brain is barren cotton, a perpetual state of dream. I don't know which of my memories are exact and which are dreams and past thoughts. I have amnesia of full discussions I had and consents I gave and I am completely stunned when people prove me I said something, because, in all good faith, I have not a shred of memory. Maybe a drop of a hazy memory you'd have in a dream. My past self and my current self both seem unreal, like other people. So I stick to ideas I have of my identity, shards of it, labels. I fiercely defend them because they are the only sense of self I perceive at all. Because I don't even feel human outside of thel. So I still have the same fear as during my TRA days that a breeze can make everything crumble. Most women here are very bright, it would take nothing to unmask the lack of ability I have to counter, to emotionally rein myself in, to construct a consistent data-based retort. That's why I was afraid of radfems in my TRA days already.

Anyway, that plus my irl social life being toxic currently makes me cope by going on social medias, which I know are awful for my mental health, yet I persist inflicting that on myself. There are several medical leaves at the day hospital so I'm ~aLoNe~ with my shits. Then you know the shit circle of life it is : not sleeping, not eating, being more anxious, sleeping less, being more anxious, eating less, reflecting too deeply on which way of sabotaging myself is the most reasonable...

So radical times call for radical measures. I'm deleting temporarily all of my apps instead of seeing notifications all the time and obsessively checking if everyone hates me yet or if nobody cares and pondering which is worse by looking at a wall for a whole day trying to not think about SH. That's stupid, and cowardly and pathetic and unfair towards people who reads me and puts thoughts in their replies and it's many other ugly things probably. But if I don't I'll implode. I just want to break the circle of feeling like shit and back pains that ruin my life so I can get back on my legs and maybe tackle one thing at a time. And I quite literally need to touch grass, even if I don't want to see anyone in my irl circles for now.

I don't know if any of this made sense. I'd probably also regret dumping all that tomorrow. Sedation is finally starting to work, so I guess that's why I m so talkative so I'll surf on it, post this, delete everything and pray I'll also forget about this until it randomly pops into my mind and gives me an existential crisis 20y from now. Should I even be given a right to vote and access to internet until I'm fixed? Are those rights part of the reconstruction process and of creating a sense of self?

Idk, I'm just tired. I wish you all well during this time. Radblr is wonderful despite occasional disagreements. I hope we can still be sisters after that and hope you won't think less of me. If you do, well, you're probably right, I also think less of myself every time I dare to exist and open the mouth. I am also the daughter of my father, after all, so I have plenty of reasons to think I deserve my own hatred and other people's.

I said I needed to be honest and open hearted so I've been. That's also why it's the over sharing website I guess? Here's a random gif to conclude this because I don't know what else to say and this is all fairly embarrassing:

#i wish I could post the first ever TRA DNI of history but that would just lure them #wild wombytch #tw personal #tw negative #tw mental health #tw mental breakdown #tw anxiety #tw negativity #tw long text #tw long post #tw sui ideation #Tañ ha Gerioù

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