#it's like. regular cooking shows are FINE i guess but food at its core is really about making people's dreams come true

[eemolu]

DUDE gastronauts was SO GOOD. that shit FUCKED. i laughed so hard SEVERAL times. cooking show of all time

[itsdetachable]

For the third week in a row I'm making jablecznik/szarlotka (Polish apple pie) and I think I got it this time! It took probing my parent's minds, using a recipe from the back of a szarlotka spice blend as a starting point, and some tweaks along the way.

Anyways, Time To Share! Measurements are in grams bc that's what I had. I'll 'translate' them but non-gram recipe mileage may vary.

Polish Szarlotka (apple pie)

DOUGH:

400 grams flour (3 1/3 cups-ish) (you can chill it if you want)

85-125 grams Powdered/Confectioners sugar (3/4 cups should be just fine)

250 grams VERY COLD butter (i don't know the conversion here it was about 3 and 1/3 regular sticks? ish?) CHOP INTO LITTLE BITTY SQUARES unless you're using a food processor or mixer in which case just slice it

3 egg yolks (just the yolks not the whites! save the whites to brush on top)

Pinch of salt

Like a half teaspoon of baking powder? Maybe a touch more? I eyeballe dit

APPLE FILLING:

1.5 kilograms of apples, pre coring (if your grocery has produce weights that'll be helpful) err on the side of MORE rather than LESS

What types of apples? We like slightly tart and firm apples in our szarlotka so we go with Granny Smith here in the USA. I think that's more 'traditional'. You can go with sweeter apples if you like but don't go too sweet. Also, I recommend firmer apples bc we're gonna be cooking them first.

100-150 grams sugar (3/4 to 1 cups ish?)

AT LEAST a tablespoon of Cinnamon. You can add more if you want.

If you have ground cardamom and cloves you can add some too. Whatever floats your boat. I'd probably do at least 1-2 tablespoons of cinnamon, 1/2 tablespoon each of cardamom and cloves (ground). Smell it. That might help.

Lemon uh crystals? NO. CITRIC ACID. Ok, take like a teaspoon, no more, and put it in the apples if you want delightfully delicately tart apple pie.

2 tablespoons of water

ALSO: keep some butter and flour to butter the baking dish and flour it. I use a 9x13 glass backing dish so make your best guess on what you want to use based on that

WHAT YOU'RE GONNA DO:

First the dough - you want your butter cold, your flour can be chilled too. You're gonna mix the flour, sugar, salt, and baking powder and give it a stir.

Then you're going to add the 3 egg yolks. No need to stir.

Then you're going to take the butter and add it in. Now the fun begins.

If you have a food processor : PULSE for like a minute until its coming together but not fully mixed. You don't want it creamy

If you have a standing mixer : similarly only mix it until its come together into a dough consistency

If you want to show the dough dominance and wreck your hands in the process : knead the hell outta it. Just squeeze it in your hands and roll everything around and push it into the bowl and keep doing it until it's a dough. It'll happen pretty fast once it does.

once your dough is doughy, put it in a plastic bag or plastic wrap, whatever you want, and toss it in the fridge. It's going to need a while - recipes say "30 minutes" but they suck and you should plan at least 1 hour if not 4.

When your dough is getting nice and hard in the fridge you're going to switch your attention to the filling!

FILLING TIME:

Apples - peeled, cored and quartered.

If you have a mandolin slicer this next part is gonna be easy. If you don't, i'm sorry. Do your best. Anyways, you want to slice the apples thin, like, 1/8 inch thin? No thicker than two quarters stacked on each other. Though, I think you can get away with thicker slices, or small chunks, because we're cooking them and that should soften them for the most part.

Next - mix your apples with all the apple filling things. The spices, the citric acid, the sugar, the water. Take a taste test - if its too sour add a bit of sugar. Too sweet, add more citric acid. Not enough cinnamon? Add it now. The flavor will deepen after baking but the taste here will definitely help gauge the taste when its done.

Now, take a pan large enough to hold all of the apple stuff and a lid for it. Put the apples in, put them on a medium heat, put the lid on. Stir every now and then, try them every now and then, and cook them for no longer than 20-30 minutes. You still want them to be firm when you bite into them, not mushy.

Great! While they're cooking set your oven to preheat to 400 F

BACK TO THE DOUGH:

As the apples near the correct texture you want, pull the dough out and portion it into a 2/3 piece and a 1/3 piece. Put the 1/3 back in the fridge, that's the top. Roll the 2/3 of the dough out on a floured board. You want to do this as quick as you are able to because the more it warms up, the stickier it gets.

Once it's rolled to the thickness you want (I go with 1/3 of an inch just about) transfer it to the baking dish, making sure it's wide enough to go up the sides to the top of the dish as well.

Poke the bottom with a fork and pop it in the over for 15 minutes until the edges are brown.

Great! Pull it out, let it sit for a second while the apples cool just the tiniest bit and you handle the rest of the dough.

TURN THE OVER DOWN TO 350 F!!

TOP OF THE SZARLOTKA:

Now, you have a couple ways of topping the pie. We tend to like a full cover, so we roll the dough out and pop it on top, pinching the edges down, then poke holes in the top.

HOWEVER you can also take the hunk of dough and using a grate, grate it on top of the pie, trying to get somewhat even coverage.

Anyways, once you decide on what you're doing, put the apples into the pie crust and then top it with the top you want. Slather that top with egg whites so it comes out flaky and golden!

Done? Good. Pop it back in the oven (that you should've turned down to 350F!) and set your timer for 30 mins. Check after the 20 min mark if you remember, but 30 mins should be just right. You want it to be nicely browned.

Take it out. Set it to cool. Wait like an hour if you can resist before cutting into it.

ENJOY

[avengerscompound]

Until the End of the World - 3

Until the End of the World: A Captain America Fanfic

Masterlist PREVIOUS //

Buy me a ☕ Character Pairing:  Bucky Barnes x Steve Rogers x F!Reader

Word Count:  1725

Rating:  E

Warnings: Talk of pregnancy

Synopsis: Four years after Steve and Bucky got to the bottom of the HYDRA conspiracy that had led to you and your son being hunted for the first three years of his life, you, Bucky, and Steve have carved out a nice life together.  Things are calm and you feel like a family unit.  When Geo starts calling Bucky and Steve ‘dad’, a decision is made to try and add to your family.

Things aren’t as calm as they seem.  When your pregnancy hits the papers, HYDRA rears its head once again, and Steve and Bucky need to track you down to protect the family they had created.

Chapter 3

You were thoroughly exhausted by the time you, Bucky, and Steve dragged the suitcases inside your apartment.  The trip to Florida had wiped you out with all the traveling and theme parks and eating out every night, but it had been worth it.  The three of you needed time away from the Avengers just to practice being a regular family.

There was no way you had imagined it would have worked as well as it did.  With Geo calling Steve and Bucky ‘dad’ and plans for adding more kids, things had gone from being four people sharing their lives, to four members of the same family.

It was exciting thinking about what was to come.  It had been a long time since you and Geo had stopped running and settled down in a life with Bucky and Steve and when you looked back on those days it often seemed like a bad dream that had happened to some completely different person.  Not that it hadn’t left some pretty permanent scars.  You were still constantly checking over your shoulder for danger.  You would completely panic if you were out with Geo and he went out of your line of vision, even for a second.  You had separation anxiety (something that Geo shared) and there were times when you’d just feel generally uneasy like you did when you thought it was time to run.

Generally, things were fine.  You didn’t have a go-bag packed.  Geo had a school and friends.  You had gone back to school and you were working.  You were in love and you felt safe and normal in what was maybe not the most normal of situations, but in a lot of ways was so much better.  Because if the choice was happy or normal, happy would always win.

The thought of expanding the family with Bucky and Steve was exciting.  You loved them and couldn’t pretend that the thought of a bigger family wasn’t something you daydreamed about.  Even back with your first marriage, the idea of a few kids was something you’d toyed with.  They were so good with Geo and they had so much love to give other people.  Plus they seemed to need the piece of normal that you and Geo could provide for them.  It kept them grounded in a reality that wasn’t just saving the world and risking their lives.

So as exhausted as you were when you flopped down on the couch in your apartment, you were also excited.  Excited about the future and all the good things it was going to bring.

“I know we all really want something home-cooked,” Steve said as he flopped down beside you.  “But I think we should order in.”

“No arguments from me!”  Bucky called as he grabbed the bags and headed to the laundry.

Steve pulled out his phone and began to search for something to eat while Geo sat down and began to play on his tablet when there was a knock at the door.

“Who is it, FRIDAY?”  Steve asked.

“Mister Stark and Ms. Potts are here with Morgan,” FRIDAY said.

Steve chuckled and shook his head.  “Let them in.”

The door clicked open and the Stark family came inside, two-and-a-half-year-old Morgan immediately peeling away from her parents and toddling over to Geo.  “Welcome home!”  Tony said as Steve got to his feet.  “I hope you enjoyed your vacation.  Because it was the last one you ever have.”

“Not even going to let us take a breath?”  Steve teased.  “Any of you want a drink?”

“Yes, pwease,” Morgan said, looking up from the pile of toys Geo was pulling out from his bag to show her.

“What nice manners,” Steve joked.  “Not like daddy at all, huh?  What would you like, honey?”

“Juice, pwease,” she said.

“I’ll have tea if that’s okay,” Pepper added.

Tony followed Steve into the kitchen while Pepper came and sat down next to you.  “Sorry about the intrusion.  Tony’s been tearing his hair out the past two days and Morgan’s been asking when Geo gets home.”

“It’s fine,” you said, waving her off.  “It’s nice to feel needed.”

“So how was it?  Should we be buying Mickey ears for Morgan and heading south?”  Pepper asked.

“Yeah, really good,” you said, a contented smile spreading over your face.

“Oh, that sounds way more significant than getting your photo with Belle,” Pepper said, looking you over.  “What happened?”

“Geo, how about you go play with those in your room.  You can show her the lightsabers you built,” you said.

“Yeah,” Geo said, jumping up.  “Come on Morgan.”

The toddler was on her feet immediately chasing after the boys she idolized as he dragged his bag of treasures into his room.

“Go on, spill it,” Pepper said when they were safely out of earshot.

“Well,” you said quietly.  “For starters, Geo started calling them both ‘dad’.”

Pepper’s eyes went wide and her mouth dropped open.  “Wow, that is big.  How are they taking that?”

You went to say more but Bucky came in and looked around perplexed.  “Where is everyone?”  He asked.

“Steve and Tony are in the kitchen and Geo is showing Morgan his Disney haul in his room,” you explained.

Bucky came down and sat beside you, snaking his arm around your waist and pulling you a little closer.  “So what’s that face for?”  He asked, gesturing to Pepper.

Pepper started laughing.   “She just told me that Geo started calling you and Steve ‘dad’.”

“Oh, yeah,” Bucky grinned.  “Pretty great, huh?”

“How do you feel about that?”  Pepper asked.

“Good,” Bucky said with a nod.  “Really good.  It was a little dramatic at first because it just slipped out and he thought he was going to get in trouble or something.  But I talked him down, and now it’s just what he calls us, and I love it.”

“How about, Steve?”  Pepper asked.

“He loves it too,” you answered.  “I get the feeling no one brought it up before because no one wanted to pressure each other into calling them that.  But it’s not Steve and Bucky haven’t been his dad for years now.”

“Of course,” Pepper nodded.  “He probably barely even remembers a time they weren’t there.”

“Exactly,” you said.  “And I can’t pretend that I don’t wish he had known his biological dad.  But that’s not the world he was born into.  But thanks to these guys -” you nudged Bucky.  “He’s safe and he has two dads who love him very much.”

“Yeah, he does,” Bucky agreed, giving you a soft squeeze around the waist.

“You said ‘for starters’,” Pepper said, looking back at you.  “What else?”

You looked at Bucky.  “Is it okay if I tell her?”

He raised an eyebrow at you.  “I dunno, I guess.  Is it really something you tell?”

“Not everyone,” you agreed.  “But you can tell some people.  Can’t just keep stuff bottled up.”

“What?”  Pepper said, sitting forward in her chair.  “What’s going on?  You can’t just not tell me now.”

“We’re going to start trying to have a baby,” you said.

If Pepper had looked surprised before, she looked nothing but completely dumbfounded now.  Her eyes were wide and her mouth slowly opened and then closed again.  “Wow.  Wow… that’s huge,” she said.  “Oh my god!  Tony is going to be so excited when he finds out.  Expect to be flooded with gifts and unwanted advice when it actually happens.  He is the expert in parenting now.”

You and Bucky laughed.  “Well, it hasn’t happened yet.  I’ve got an IUD in, so I’m going to need to make an appointment to get that out for starters.”

“That’s amazing,” she said.  “I’m so happy for you all.  It sounds like this trip was exactly what you needed.”  She paused for a moment and fidgeted in her seat. “Can I ask a question that might seem a little … invasive?”

You shrugged.  “Sure.  If you can't, who can?”

She laughed and shook her head.  “Well, I do appreciate that,” she said.  “Do you know how you’re going to do it?  I mean… biologically speaking?”

You looked at Bucky and furrowed your brow.  The truth was, none of you had spoken about that.   It was in the list of ‘fine details to work out later’.  You didn’t care how it happened.  You were going to be the baby’s biological mother no matter what, and even if the three of you decided to go a completely different route and adopt, they’d already proven that they didn’t need biology at all to love a child.  You hoped they didn’t get territorial now that you were trying for one together.

“I mean we haven’t…” you started.

“We definitely still need to iron some things out,” Bucky added.  “But I know I don’t really mind.  I figure we just see what happens.”

“You don’t care if you’re not the biological dad?”  You asked.

Bucky smiled and shook his head.  “It’ll be mine no matter what.”

You smiled as you looked into the cool gray of his eyes.  Bucky tended to wear his pain constantly.  Even when he was otherwise happy you could see that pain reflected in his eyes.  Right now though, there was none.  His eyes glimmered with the hope of things to come and what looked like real, deep down to his core, happiness.  “I love you,” you whispered and brought your lips to his.  He smiled against your lips as he returned the kiss deeply, his hand going to your cheek and cradling it.

There was the course sound of someone clearing their throat and you looked up to see Tony and Steve in the doorway that led to the kitchen.  “Are you two just going to invite us around here and make out in front of my wife?”  Tony teased.

“I don’t actually remember inviting you around,” you shot back.

Tony laughed loudly and clapped Steve on the shoulder.  “Well, I know when I’m not wanted.”

“No, stay,” you said.  “We’re going to order food.  Let Morgan play with Geo for a bit longer.”

Tony chuckled and took a seat next to Pepper.  “Only if the two of you promise to keep your tongues to yourselves.”

You shrugged.  “I absolutely cannot promise that,” you said, causing Tony to break down into peals of laughter yet again.

// NEXT

[darks-ink]

Play Your Part 5

Chapter 5: Not Only Will I Soar Again

I am Very Boldly posting this chapter with linebreaks and readmores and praying it doesn’t turn out like the last one. And if it does, well... Tumblr let me edit back the readmore today so it won’t be messed up forever, anyway.

[first] [previous] [next] [AO3] [FFnet]

Danny’s eyes watered as he reached out. One hand, shaky with emotion, made contact with the picture. Ultimate proof that it was… that this was real.

“Is-- Is that--”

“A ghost core?” Tucker grinned wider. “That’s exactly what it is, yeah.”

“But then…” Danny frowned, one hand still on the core on the photo, the other reaching for his chest. “Why isn’t it… working, then? If I have the core, why don’t I have the powers?”

“Well, we can’t know for sure, of course, but…” Jazz placed one finger on the photograph as well, tapping the core. “This isn’t an active ghost core. We have pictures of Danny’s, and of a few regular ghosts, and this one looks even less active than Danny’s when he’s in human form.”

“Oh.” One hand still rested on his chest, as if he could feel the core’s hum now that he knew it existed. “How? Why?”

“We already figured that you lost your powers because you purged your ectoplasmic contamination, right?” Jazz shrugged, gently pulling the photograph out of his hand. “In doing so you must’ve run your core out of ectoplasm, forcing it into some sort of hibernation. I think, if we can carefully feed it ectoplasm again, that it might activate again.”

“And that’ll get me my powers again?” Danny brightened up slightly, hope unfurling in his chest. It sounded… it all sounded very possible. Would it just be that easy?

“Well, probably. Like I said, we can’t know until we try.” Jazz sighed, placing the photo on the table Danny was sitting on. “At least I know a good way to get you ectoplasm in a somewhat safe manner.”

“Oh lord, Jazz, you want him to eat--” Tucker made a disgusted face, pretending to vomit. It wasn’t very encouraging, to be honest.

“Oh grow up.” She shoved the boy, turning to Sam, who looked far more steady. “Sam, can you go fetch some of the leftovers in the fridge? You know how to recognize the right ones, yeah?”

“If they try to bite me they’re good.” Sam nodded, turning around like she hadn’t just said that food might actively attack her, hello? What the hell was going on here?

Danny cleared his throat, drawing Jazz’ attention back to him. “What’s, uh. What this ‘safe manner’ of ectoplasm consumption?”

“Well, it’s.” She blushed, twirling a strand of hair as she tried to find the right words. “Uh, you know how in this universe, our parents are ghost hunters?”

“Uh huh,” he said, slowly.

“And ghosts are made out of ectoplasm. Which means that for their inventions, they do a lot of experiments with said ectoplasm, including ways to use this to make food faster?”

“Oh.” He still didn’t understand where she was going with this.

Jazz opened her mouth to explain further, but a strange hissing sounded by the stairs, and Danny twisted to look at that instead. Sam was coming down, her arms full of various plastic containers, some of which were duct-taped shut.

“Got the leftovers you asked for. Is the malevolence directly related to how heavily contaminated they are?”

“I think so.” Jazz shrugged, releasing her hair. “Not sure. Mom and Dad never really looked into it much.”

“Wait, wait, wait.” Danny waved his hands around, drawing the attention of everyone else back to him. He ignored the jostling of the plastic bins for the moment. “You want me to eat… contaminated food? Living food?”

“Well, it’s not living, technically.” Jazz wiggled her hand a little, making a so-so motion. “They’re kind of… reanimated, I guess? We’re starting off slow, with the stuff that just glows. Anything that moves we’ll re-cook first.”

“Like the weenies,” Tucker added helpfully, taking one especially violent container from Sam. The duct-tape on it seemed to strain to hold it closed, and through the plastic Danny could see sausage-like shapes bouncing around. “These are definitely some of the worst in the fridge.”

“Yeah, and the fact that they’ve been in there for months hasn’t helped.” Sam shook her head, moving over to the table to put down the other stuff. “Anyway, don’t worry about it, Danny. Our Danny can eat this stuff just fine, and so can any ordinary ghost. We’re not giving it to you until we’re sure you’ve got enough ghost in you to do the same.”

“Oh. Um.” He looked at the boxes that now shifted over the table, driven by the force of their contents. “Thanks, I guess?”

“Don’t thank us until it works, man.” Tucker placed his one container on the table as well. When it immediately threatened to throw itself off again, he placed a heavy-looking invention on top of it. “Seriously, if we make you eat this stuff and it doesn’t work you’ll hate us.”

“Tucker, stop discouraging him,” Jazz scolded, picking up one of the containers that lacked duct-tape. “Danny, it’ll be fine. Mom and Dad and I have eaten this stuff on multiple occasions, and you’re supposed to have this stuff in your body. Do you really think I would be giving this to you if I thought it would be a problem?”

“No,” he said, “but this wouldn’t be the first time you’ve tried feeding me something weird as a big sister prank.”

Jazz made a face, then nodded. “Ah, I guess that that’s fair.” She opened one box, showing its contents to him. “How do you feel about starting with these mildly glowing carrots?”

Bad, he wanted to say.

“I guess they’re… okay?” he said instead, taking the bin from her. They did, indeed, look like regular carrots. Y’know, if carrots came in ecto-green and glowed. “Do I… have to?”

“You can try the Portal too, if you prefer that,” Sam suggested, leaning against the table. “Get it over with in one quick swoop.”

Danny made a face, then shoved one baby carrot into his mouth. The moment he bit down he pulled a face. It tasted like what he imaged raw ectoplasm might taste like; copper and rusted pennies and something like lemons? Except it still had a mild taste of carrot, and its texture was mostly carrot-like. Mostly, because it was just a little goopy on the inside.

He slapped his free hand over his mouth, trying to push away his desire to puke. Come on Danny, just bite through it!

Swallowing, he made another grimacing face at the others.

“Ah, come on, they’re not that bad.” Jazz clicked her tongue, shaking her head disapprovingly. “How is it that you guys in the halfa-universe are less used to eating ectoplasm infused food, huh? Am I the only one wondering about that?”

“No, I was too,” Sam admitted, looking far too amused for Danny’s liking. “And I bet our Danny is, too. He’ll definitely be enjoying the break where he doesn’t have to worry about his lunch coming to life.”

Danny sighed, placing the carrots down again. “Can I try something else? Maybe that’ll be better.”

Tucker snorted disbelievingly, but to his credit, did push one of the other boxes towards Danny. “Here, I think this one is just glowing toast.”

“Ugh, toast.” He pulled off the lid, revealing, indeed, several slices of ecto-green toast. “Well, can’t be worse than regular toast, right?”

He took a bite of one of the slices. Wow, hey, that’s actually worse than regular toast, who would’ve thought? Again that taste of copper and lemons and sour metal, although the inside wasn’t quite as soft as with the carrots. Just felt like untoasted bread instead of goop.

“Well?” Tucker asked, a grin on his face again. “Better or worse?”

“Better than the carrots,” Danny said as he swallowed the bite. “And honestly? Not much worse than regular toast.”

“You want jam or something with that?” Sam asked, turning one of the slices in her hand as she looked it over. “That might mask the taste a little.”

“Hm, maybe.” He took another bite, trying to chew it away quickly. “Egh, yeah, let’s give that a shot if you’ve got some.”

“I’ll go look,” Jazz said, ruffling his hair as she passed him by. “Sam, Tucker, stay out of trouble.”

“Trouble?” Tucker gasped dramatically. “We would never!”

Danny shot him an unimpressed look as he chewed away another bite of sour toast. “You two literally tried to zap me with a giant ghost portal while she was away.”

“Don’t get involved, Fenton.” Tucker swung a finger in his direction. “Eat your toast and shut up.”

“Yes sir.” He took another bite of the toast. Against all expectations, he was actually kind of getting used to the taste of ectoplasm-infused food. It felt kind of warm in his throat, like it was melting as he chewed it away.

He’d finished his first slice of toast when Jazz reappeared downstairs, carrying a few types of jam and some margarine. “Wasn’t sure what would go best with, uh, ectoplasm,” she said, blushing a little. “What do you want to try first?”

“Margarine, I guess?” He shrugged, picking up a new slice of toast to butter it. “I think I just had to get used to the toast, anyway. It’s not too bad anymore. Kind of nice, actually? Warm and melty.”

Jazz frowned, sharing a glance with Sam and Tucker. “Warm? Ectoplasm is cold and goopy, usually.”

“Oh.” Danny took a bite of his still-unbuttered toast, tasting it carefully. “No, it definitely tastes warm. Like, pleasant warm, like honey?”

“Maybe that’s what it tastes like for half-ghosts?” Tucker suggested, his brow creased in consideration. “They are made out of the stuff, so of course it wouldn’t feel cold to them.”

“Does that mean it’s working?” Danny asked as he started buttering the toast. The taste of lemon and metal hadn’t gone away entirely, and he wasn’t too hot on it still. “If I just keep eating enough toast, that’ll fix my core? It’s really just that easy?”

“I mean, you’ll probably have to move on to something stronger eventually.” Sam tapped on one of the taped boxes, ignoring the way it jerked in response. “Danny has a lot of ectoplasm in his body, usually. If you want to recover all of that in a short time, you’ll need to eat more ectoplasm and less actual food. There’s only so much food you can eat before you’re full, after all.”

“Right.” He took a bite of buttered toast. Not bad, actually. The butter definitely offset the sourness, even if wasn’t entirely functional against the taste of copper. “So when should I switch, if the higher amounts could be dangerous?”

“Finish off all the toast first, then we’ll see.” Jazz looked distastefully at the weenie-container, which seemed to be trying to throw off the heavy weight that pinned it down. “Honestly, we might try roasting the weenies. They’re definitely the highest in ectoplasm to food ratio, and they won’t fill much either way.”

Danny eyed the box suspiciously. Then, rather than speak up about the fact that these hot dogs might just be the most dangerous thing in the lab, he took another bite of toast.

“We, uh, should probably get them roasting sooner than later, then.” Tucker leaned down next to the box, his frown deepening. “I think that they’re trying to chew through the plastic.”

“Do you think the Thermos would work on them?” Sam asked, her tone light as if this was perfectly normal. “Or are they not ghostly enough?”

“That might just suck out all the ectoplasm and leave behind the weenies.” Jazz sighed, stepping away to dig through some equipment. “If they break out, just trap them in something metal. Or, like, trap them in a box with something else and let that distract them. I’ll look for something moderately safe to cook them with.”

“Sounds like a plan,” Tucker declared cheerfully, frown gone again. He picked up a larger plastic bin, opening it and peeking inside. “Ah, non-sentient ham. That should keep them occupied if they break out.”

Sam sighed and shook her head, but didn’t comment. Danny shoved another piece of toast inside his mouth. If she didn’t want to comment, neither did he.

But, really. How was this world so much crazier than his own world? Is this what their planet would be like if it was ruled by humans instead of half-ghosts? Crazy. Maybe they really were still out there somewhere, surviving unseen thanks to their sheer insanity.

“Well, so, most of the stuff I found I wouldn’t trust around food,” Jazz said plainly as she rejoined them. In one hand she held a metal pot, the inside stained a suspicious mix of green and black. The other, she held behind her back. “I wouldn’t worry about the ectoplasm on this, except that it seems to be burned to hell and back, and I don’t think the charcoal will be any good. And I don’t trust the bunsen burners with this, either.”

She placed the burned pan on a nearby table, then swung the object in her other hand around to her front, using her other hand to hold it up as well. It looked like a weapon, but not any Danny was familiar with. Sci-fi esque, silver with glowing green accents. Round and shiny, like a cylinder with another cylinder on top. This, at least, looked kind of like the water containers on a water gun. The vivid green really just kind of reinforced this appearance.

“I don’t think I’m familiar with that one.” Sam stepped closer, twisting her head to look at the weapon. “What is it? A flamethrower?”

“Yep,” she simply said, placing it in Sam’s arms. “Here you go, I’m pretty sure you’re the best shot of all of us.”

“Tuck’s pretty good too, and you’re not too shabby either.” But as she said this, Sam shifted the flamethrower in her arms, gripping it properly. She grinned like she was absolutely loving this. God, humans were scary. Danny was faintly sorry that he had ever felt lesser for thinking he was human if they were all like this.

Rather than get involved, he took another bite of toast and jumped off of the table. He could watch the proceedings from somewhere further away, he was sure.

Tucker lifted the machine off of the bin that contained the hot dogs, pinning the box down with his own strength instead. “I’ll count down and then dump them on the table. Got it?”

Sam, grin widening, nodded. “Got it.” She turned to gun onto Tucker, holding it steady with one finger already on the trigger. “On 3?”

“I was thinking on fire, actually.” Tucker nodded back, licked his lips, then started counting. “3. 2.”

“1,” the both of them counted in sync, muscles bunching as they got ready.

“Fire!” Tucker shouted, peeling the container open and spilling the contents onto the table, then stepping back in the same swift motion.

The hot dogs seemed thrown off by the sudden movement, sitting dazedly on the metal tabletop a long moment. They were ecto-green, glowing, and they seemed to have… eyes and pointed teeth? Yikes.

On the shout Sam had pulled the trigger, and bright flames spilled from the gun. Despite his expectations, they weren’t pure green; pink was scattered throughout the flames, and the inner column was white-hot.

The reanimated meat screeched when the flames reached them, but they were quickly silenced under the steady fire.

An unmeasurably long moment later, Sam cut off the flames. Jazz stepped forward to inspect the results, expression carefully blank. Then she smiled, expression lighting up. “Looks good to me! I think we can finally put the Frankenweenies to use.”

“Frankenweenies?” Danny repeated incredulously, swallowing his last bite of toast. “Really?”

Jazz hummed. When she turned back to him, she was holding one of the hot dogs pinched between her fingers. The flames hadn’t lessened its glow, but they had turned it into a darker green. The eyes and mouth seemed to have somehow disappeared entirely. “What do you think? Does it look appealing?”

“No,” Danny said honestly, taking it from her. “But neither did the toast.”

He took a bite, chewing it experimentally. The skin was like… not like a hot dog, but more like a regular sausage? Somewhat tough, a little chewy, but not in a bad way. The inside was soft and warm and gooey, and actually kinda sweet. Like it was filled with honey.

“That’s… pretty good, actually,” he said when he swallowed it. “I mean, I don’t think it beats actual food, especially since the green is a real deterrent, but…”

“What, the glow is fine with you?” Sam scoffed, but the smile on her face didn’t leave. “Priorities, Danny.”

“Eh, the glow isn’t too out of place where I’m from.” Danny shrugged, taking another bite of the hot dog and swallowing it. “With all the half-ghosts and stuff. My parents, especially Mom, they use telekinesis pretty often, so stuff often glows in and around the house.”

“That’s fair,” Sam decided, nodding approvingly. Her fingers drummed on the barrel of the flamethrower. “Hey Jazz, do you want this thing back or can I keep it?”

“If you get in trouble for having it I’m not taking responsibility.” Jazz crossed her arms, twisting to look at Sam. “My parents will just blame its disappearance on a ghost anyway.”

“Nice.” Sam flipped a switch on the side, and the glowing elements dulled down. A safety switch, then. “I’ll find a spot for it, don’t worry.”

“I’m not,” Jazz said, just as Danny hiccuped. Loudly.

“Sorry,” he apologized, hiccuping again. Something in his chest rattled strangely. “I think something didn’t go down right.”

He clenched his eyes closed, dropping the half-eaten sausage back on the table. His other hand came up to claw at his chest. Something felt wrong, it hurt, it hurt--

Another hiccup, following with a thrum in his chest. He opened his eyes again, staring wide-eyed at his friends, his sister, hoping for some sort of help or advice or--

“Look!” Jazz exclaimed, enthusiastically. “See, I told you it would be fine!”

“Fine?!” Danny bit back, his voice peaking up high as a hiccup burst through the last half of the word.

“Well, yeah, obviously.” Jazz gestured at him like it was an explanation. “See, and your eyes brightened even further. Must be your core.”

Tucker frowned, looking a little concerned. “Are you alright, dude? Besides the hiccuping, obviously.”

Danny groaned back, his fingers digging into his chest even more. His core? Was that what this was? Why did it-- “Why does it hurt?”

“It’s not… supposed to.” Jazz darted closer, suddenly, kneeling a little to look at his face. She pried his hand off of his chest, placing her own there instead. “Maybe it’s because it was out of energy for so long? Like when you boot up a machine after it’s been off for really long, and it sounds like it’s struggling to get functional again?”

“Or like when your muscles hurt way more if you haven’t been active in a while?” Sam suggested, tone not as jubilant anymore. “That could be it, yeah. Should we hold off and give it time to work through it, or should we try feeding it more energy?”

“I don’t know,” Jazz said, slowly. “Danny, do you think you could eat?”

“Dunno.” He huffed, feeling faintly breathless. It felt like something was burrowing in his chest, trying to shove all his organs aside to make room for itself. “Maybe.”

“Alright, that’s a no in Danny-speak.” Jazz took him by the arm, gently tugging him towards a table. “Sit down, tell us if it gets worse.”

He nodded, letting her shove him onto the table. He tried clawing at his chest again, but Jazz swatted his hand away and he gave up.

It was hard for him to tell how much time passed. For most of it, he had his eyes closed, focusing exclusively on the feeling in his chest. As the pain receded, he started to feel his core more clearly. It was pulsing, thrilling and humming in his chest. Like a heart, but also… not? It was clearly trying to drag in energy, awake but not… not satisfied, he didn’t think.

Once it felt as stable as it would get, he opened his eyes again, looking at his best friends as his sister. “It, uh. I think it’s done. But I don’t think that it has all the power it needs, still.”

Jazz nodded, a thoughtful expression on her face. “Didn’t think so. But we got it enough energy to wake up, so if it’s functional we can try feeding ectoplasm straight to your ghost form.” She started, looking at him somewhat guiltily. “If you’re okay with that, of course.”

“I mean… sure? Assuming that I can shift right now.” He shrugged, then settled one hand on the back of his neck to rub it.

“Do your parents have some of that Ecto-Dejecto still?” Sam asked, turning towards Jazz. “Danny uses it sometimes when he’s really really out of energy, but I think he stockpiles it all in his walls.”

“Oh yeah, that’s a good idea.” Jazz perked up, gesturing at one of the nearby drawers. “I think they have some in there?”

Sam hummed, moving to search it. “Worst come to worst, we can try having Danny search through his own walls. If, uh, he can maintain that kind of intangibility, that is.”

He made a face, not that she could see. “Yeah, let’s not risk that.”

“Oh, wait, here it is already.” Sam straightened up, a tube of unnaturally bright ectoplasm in her hand. “We just need a needle, and for Danny to shift into his ghost form.”

“At least we won’t have to fight with his sleeve this time,” Tucker joked, nudging Danny. “Did you know how much of a hassle that is, to roll up the sleeves of those jumpsuits? Absolutely awful.”

“I’ll… keep that in mind?” He tried mentally poking his core. How were you supposed to shift to your ghost form, anyway? He thought he was doing it right, but he had no way of knowing whether he was doing it wrong, or if his core just didn’t have enough energy. “When should I shift?”

“Now’s fine,” Sam said, reappearing with a worryingly large syringe. It was filled with the same fake ectoplasm as the vial before. The ‘Ecto-Dejecto’, presumably. “We’re ready if you are.”

“Oh, joy,” he muttered, stirring his core more forcibly. He tried to encourage it, tried to picture himself as the photos he’d seen of Phantom. Tried to goad it with the lure of more energy.

Then, suddenly, it was like lightning crackled through him. Pure energy burst forth, sparking through his flesh and his skin but not hurting him. It formed a ring, bright and luminescent, and Danny felt like he could cry.

As with everyone else, with every shift he’d ever witnessed, the ring split into two. Twin halos of pure light danced over his body, inverting the colors everywhere they passed, until he was left in his black shirt and with white hair hanging down in his eyes.

“Arm,” Sam immediately commanded, like she hadn’t just witnessed something incredible and life-changing. When he didn’t respond, Jazz grabbed it and pulled it towards Sam for him.

He was so occupied with, well, everything, that he didn’t even notice the needle until its contents were being pushed into his body. It wasn’t even cold, not really. Just… weird? Very energetic. His core thrilled, immediately pulling in the energy provided.

“Holy shit,” he whispered, feeling the pulse of power throughout his entire body. His core hummed so loud that he wondered if everyone else could hear it, too, like the purr of a cat. “That’s… holy shit.”

“Sounds like it worked,” Tucker commented dryly, not even bothering to hide his smile. “Feeling good, ghost boy?”

“Yeah,” he answered, breathlessly. “Yeah, wow. It’s like… Like this weight in my chest is gone, suddenly. Like I’ve been dragging around my core this whole time, like a ball and chain, and finally I’m free.”

“How poetic.” Sam grinned, nudging him playfully. “Want to take your powers for a spin?”

“In the lab?” he asked, already pushing off of the table. “Are you sure?”

“We train Danny’s powers here all the time,” Tucker said dismissively, flapping a hand. “And it’ll be safer here than outside.”

“Fair enough.” He bounced a little on the ground, feeling lighter than usual. He wondered how floating worked. Didn’t it come naturally to--

“Oh.” He flipped in the air, maneuvering like he’s been doing it his whole life. “Wow, that’s really fun. Now I get why everyone’s always flying everywhere.”

“I guess I should’ve seen that coming.” Jazz grinned at him. “Danny’s favorite power is flight, too.”

“I can’t blame him!” Danny exclaimed, flying a lap at moderate speed through the lab. “It’s so much fun!”

“Alright, well, let’s run through a few more powers. Hopefully establishing that your powers work will trigger the switch back.”

“Yeah,” Danny hummed, feeling his core pulse with happiness at the thought of showing his parents his powers, before a spike of dread stabbed through it. “Unless your Danny has something he needs to achieve, too.”

Danny’s eyes watered as he reached out. One hand, shaky with emotion, wrapped around his mother’s wrist. “Wait.”

“Yes, sweetie?” She crouched down in front of him, smiling softly. “What’s wrong?”

“I… I can’t.”

“Can’t what, kiddo?” His dad frowned as he, too, crouched by Danny.

“I…” He groaned, burying his face in his hands. “You’re all so nice.”

“Of course they are,” Jazz said, voice carefully blank. “They’re our parents. When have they ever not been nice?”

“That’s complicated,” he muttered back through his fingers. They’d never meant to be mean towards him, of course, but… but they’d uttered plenty of insults and threats towards Phantom. And that was… it was just hard to ignore, especially when faced with such complete and utter acceptance.

A silence fell, and Danny got the feeling that his parents and sister were sharing confused glances.

“What do you mean, son?” his dad finally asked, uncertainly. “We’ve always tried…”

I know.” He dragged his hands off of his face to shoot them a look that hopefully expressed how lost he felt. “You’ve been nothing but nice, I know. But you’re not-- I am not--” He groaned again, now in frustration at himself and his trouble to put his feelings into words.

Jazz narrowed her eyes at him. “Are you Danny?”

“Is he what?” his mom asked, at the same time that he shook his head. While she snapped her jaw shut, he corrected himself by nodding, then made a so-so motion with his hand.

“I’m Danny Fenton,” he finally said, giving up on his attempt at miming out an answer. “But I’m not… your Danny.”

“Oh,” both of his parents chimed, perfectly synced.

“Yeah.” He dragged a hand through his eyes, wiping away the half-formed tears. “I’m… yeah. It’s, um. Complicated, I guess.”

“How?” His mom reached for him, twisting his head like she could suddenly see differences that didn’t exist before. “Why? What happened to our Danny?”

“I… I don’t know. I really really don’t know,” he admitted, much as it pained him. “I don’t know what’s going on, I don’t understand it. Usually if I get brought to a different timeline I’m told why, what I’m supposed to do. Not…” he gestured vaguely. “Not this.”

“And our son?” his mom repeated. “What about him?”

“I’m sure he’s fine.” Danny dragged his hand through his hair, mussing the black locks up beyond their normal mess. “Sam and Tucker and Jazz will take care of him. They’re good at that kinda stuff. They’ll catch on quickly, I bet.”

“That’s good.” His mom – this version of her – patted him on the arm. Her expression was hard to read, though. “Now, what was this about your parents, sweetie?”

“I, um.” He blushed, licked his lips. “It’s. Complicated. Like I said. They don’t… they don’t mean it, they’re nice, but it’s…”

He hummed, looking at his hands in his lap. “You know how you’re all half-ghosts, and so am I?”

“Yes?” His mom frowned a little, shooting a short glance towards Jack. “Is that not… Is that a problem, back home?”

“Well, I wouldn’t know, because I never told them.” He blew out a breath, the confession making him feel lighter. Not much, but, well. A little. “It’s… You know how you’re human hunters, here? Well, my parents, they hunt ghosts.”

“Oh,” his dad said on his other side, voice low and quiet.

“Yeah.” Danny sighed, thumbs twirling. “They, um. They’ve seen me in my ghost form, but they didn’t know it was me. I’m the only half-ghost in town, so I… fight the other ghosts? To protect the town. But they don’t see it like that. They just see an aggressive ghost causing trouble.”

“They hurt you,” Jazz stated, her voice clearly forced into neutrality to cover up her emotions. “Right? They’ve hurt you, but they didn’t know it was you because you never told them. And they don’t think of the similarities, because they don’t think half-ghosts can exist.”

He barked out a humorless laugh. “Yeah, you nailed it. They’ve, uh. Made something of a habit out of threatening and insulting ‘Phantom’ around me and Jazz. They work on their inventions in the lab and in the kitchen, and they keep going off near me, and one day--” He snapped his mouth shut, shaking off the thought.

“And you’re afraid that one day it’ll go wrong.” Light flashed as Maddie shifted back to her human form without moving. Her hand, laying on Danny’s, became marginally warmer. “You’re afraid of your parents, because they don’t know that their prey and their son are the same person.”

Danny nodded, listlessly.

“Can I offer some advice?” Jazz asked, her hand on his knee. She continued before he got a chance to answer. “Tell them.”

“What?” he frowned at her.

“Tell them,” Jazz repeated, looking from him to their parents. “You’re afraid because they don’t know that you’re half-ghost. So tell them.”

“But they-- They hate ghosts.” He gestured with his free hand, leaving the one with Maddie’s hand on it. “They hate ghosts with such fervor that they’ve dedicated their life to getting rid of every single one of them!”

“Danny.” His dad caught his free hand, gently placing it down and pinning it with his own warm hand. At some point he, too, had shifted back to human form. “Danny, I don’t know how different your version of me is, but I can tell you one thing with absolute certainty. The most important thing in my life, always and ever, is my family. And that includes my son, human or ghost or half-ghost.”

“Oh,” he said, soundlessly. “But--”

“What about your sister?” his mother asked, suddenly, cocking her head at him. “You said that she would help, and Sam and Tucker. Does she know?”

“Uh…” Danny twitched at the non-sequitur. “Yeah? I mean, I didn’t tell her, but she figured it out on her own.”

“And she hasn’t recommended that you tell your parents?” this Jazz asked, brow quirked. “She didn’t comment on the secret-keeping, on the damage it could do?”

“I, well…” he sighed, letting his head hang. “She did, actually. But she’s… big on letting me tell people at my own pace. And she’s heard the vitriol my parents spit, so…”

“So she should’ve encouraged you to tell them,” Jazz insisted, more forcefully. “Danny, you need your family. You can’t hide this. Do you really think that they haven’t noticed that something changed, that their relationship somehow got damaged and they don’t even know what happened?”

“I… oh.” He looked at his hands, both covered by his parents’ hands. “I hadn’t… thought about that.”

Maddie sighed. “And I guess I didn’t think about how we might’ve done something similar to our Danny, insisting that he had to be half-ghost as well.”

“Well, how about this, then,” Danny said, trying to summon his bravery a little. He could, at least, help this other version of himself, right? That’s what heroes did, and he was a hero. “You tell him that you love him, that you accept him, half-ghost or not, and I’ll tell my parents.”

“Sounds like a plan to me!” his dad boomed, his characteristic grin finally reappearing. His free hand clapped on Danny’s back. “Now we just need to figure out how to get you back!”

Danny opened his mouth to reply, but halted as a pulse of energy ripped through the atmosphere. He couldn’t tell where it came from, just felt the pure power hum--

White light blinded him, energy ripping at his body, he didn’t know what was happening, and--

Then, blissfully, he passed out.

[redeyedryu]

Cross Dimensional Problems

Chapter 3 - Uh... | [Ao3]  | 1 | « | x | » |

Have some more of whatever this is, I guess. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Summary: Mmm, popato chisps~!

Popato chisps, as it turns out to your complete and utter disappointment, do not taste all that different from regular potato chips. The weird fizzy, pop-rock like sensation and the way they kind of just… disappear when you swallow is pretty neat, though. A monster food thing, no doubt. Still, talk about a letdown. Doesn't mean you're gonna stop eating them though, as you proceed to stuff yet another into your mouth. They even crunch like a regular potato chip.

“YOU EXPECT ME TO BELIEVE THIS? THAT THIS… THIS HUMAN IS FROM SOME PLANE OF EXISTENCE WHERE THE GREAT AND TERRIBLE ME IS NOTHING MORE THAN FICTION? SOMETHING CREATED BY SUCH A WEAK AND FEEBLE RACE?!”

You talk around the chisp you just shoved into your mouth and bring a hand to your chest, a mockery of being flattered. “Aw, love you too, boss,” you say in an overly sweet voice and as the very tall, very loud, very edgy skeleton proceeds to sputter and cough and choke at your words, you simply shove another two chisps into your mouth. He’s shouting, boots stomping against the linoleum of the kitchen floor, but you’re already toning him out.

Sans and the Underswap Papyrus had shuffled you up the basement stairs and into the kitchen, talking amongst themselves about needing to call a house meeting. As it just so happened, your additional company had already been present, apparently preparing some meal or another. It didn't smell like burnt rubber or vinegar so you’re hoping this is one of those takes where the Papyruses and Swap Sans aren't absolutely terrible when it comes to cooking, that they've had enough time to improve and learn that no, glitter is not a key ingredient.

Underfell Papyrus, Swapfell Sans, and regular ol’ Papyrus had been the lucky ones to welcome the newest party crasher (that's you, by the way) to the house. Papyrus had given a rather enthusiastic welcome, complete with bone-crushing (heh) hug. The Fell variants, being not so touchy feely, had merely scowled at you and turned up their skulls in that pretentious manner they’re often presented as being.

Goodness, it was all just so surreal.

You had to tell yourself not to stare because that's rude. Play it off, act as cool as the coolest cucumber. And so you had walked over to the nearby table sat in the middle of the large kitchen and plopped into a seat. Breezily, yet politely because you're no mannerless heathen, you had asked for a bag of popato chisps and Papyrus had all but gasped, affronted that you would choose to eat something so unhealthy—and so soon before dinner! But Sans had shot him some kind of look and the skeleton had ultimately acquiesced. He hadn't done so happily, of course, as he had none too quietly muttered this and that about poor eating habits as he fished a bag from the pantry.

You thanked him when he begrudgingly handed the snack bag to you and had proceeded to munch away while Sans and the Swap Papyrus set about explaining just why exactly a human had trudged up from their basement—and in such lazy attire, no less!

So that leads us back to the present. Underfell Papyrus appears to be taking the news the worst so far, you think. You're not sure, though, he's a hard one to read. Too tsun, too soon.

“SO, HUMAN,” another voice speaks up just as you toss the last popato chisp into your mouth. Judging by the deep, rough rumble not unlike Underfell Sans’s, loud though it may be, you guess it's the only other Sans in the kitchen that is addressing you. When you direct your attention to the source, you are proud to say your deductive skills aren't complete crap.

The Swapfell Sans variant has taken to standing at the table across from you, arms folded over his chest. His sockets are squinted and he's taking advantage of the fact you are sitting down, giving him the height advantage to sneer down at you. Pretentious prick.

Stop being so hot.

“Yes, skeleton,” you reply. His face scrunches up like he smelled something bad and you just smile. 

“WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO SAY ON THIS MATTER?” You're not sure how to interpret his tone, nor that question. It sounds like an accusation? Almost as if you're being scolded.

“Uh… Not exactly sure what you mean by that, but uhm… hmm.” You fuss with the popato chisps bag, neatly folding it in on itself--in half, a quarter, an eighth, a sixteenth. “Whether or not you believe me, it's the truth. Where I'm from y’all’re nothing more than fiction and fantasy.” You’re not avoiding meeting their eyes, you're just very interested in this folded up popato chisps bag. It's just so cool. Yup.

The skeleton clicks his tongue and you think you hear the sound of boots tapping out an impatient rhythm.

“PROVE IT,” he says.

That succeeds in drawing your attention.

“Uh…?”

“UNLESS, OF COURSE, YOU ARE LYING?” Ah, there's that smug, condescending leer again. You squint at him.

“I'm not lying.”

He waves a hand at you, a signal to, “GO ON, THEN. PROVE IT.”

Your face creases in a rather extreme pout, a breathy exhale forced through your nose. Fine, be that way you pretentious, sexy piece of shit.

You cross your arms and lean back in your chair.

“Well. That’s… there is… there are so many different takes on the AUs that there’s no guarantee anything I say will necessarily add up.” You cast a glance towards Sans, noting he and the rest of the ensemble have paused in whatever bickering they had been involved with with Underfell Papyrus, to listen to you speak. You take that as your cue. “I guess I'll start with the source material. Though bear in mind it's been at least a year or so since I've last played…”

You close your eyes and take a slow, deep breath. You exhale just as slowly, attention once more returned to the folded up popato chisps bag as your fingers itch for something to keep busy with.

Whelp. Here goes.

“Undertale is a pixel RPG style game. Its premise being that you don't have to fight. It's a game where your choices matter, and you can choose whether to fight and kill monsters or show them nothing but mercy.” From your peripheral, you don't miss the way Swapfell Sans’s face tightens, nor the way Sans’s posture seems to tense. “You play as a kid whose name you set in the beginning but eventually learn to be named Frisk, who is their own person separate from you, the player. They essentially act as your vessel.

“They fell into the Unground and start in the Ruins, in a bed of golden flowers. You proceed a room over and are introduced to Flowey. In Swapped universes it's often a toss-up between it still being Flowey, a Temmie, or even Monster Kid. Just depends on who’s writing the story.

“So anyway, you proceed through the Ruins. You meet Toriel, who bakes you a butterscotch cinnamon pie in most routes. When you try to leave she tells you about Asgore and how he’ll kill you if you go through the doors leading to the rest of the Underground. He's done so to all those that preceded you, afterall. So you fight Toriel and then trek towards Snowdin from there.” You pointedly don't look at Sans when you say, “You meet Sans just before a bridge and the whole thing is built up to unsettle you. You cross a stick in the middle of the path that winds up cracking behind you, you hear footsteps in the snow but no one’s there, and when you get to the bridge he’s all,” and here you do a poor imitation of Sans’s deep voice, “ ‘H u m a n. Don't you know how to greet a new pal? Turn around and shake my hand.’ It's a cutscene so your character does that and then a rather long, drawn out whoopie cushion fart sound clip plays.” You hear a couple chuckles off to the side. “Things happen, you hide behind a conveniently shaped lamp, you meet Papyrus, you go through Snowdin. You fight Papyrus, get locked in a shed, then proceed through Waterfall and are dogged by Undyne the entire time… you fight her then you go on to Hotland and all its conveyor belts, steam vents, and lasers. Talk to Alphys and fight Mettaton on his ridiculous show… several times. Then it's what… onto the CORE? The soundtrack there’s really neat. So you make your way through the CORE and you wind up fighting Mettaton Ex and the fight's broadcast throughout the entire Underground? So you beat him and then you're in New Home and you wind up getting the tragic backstory for the King and Queen’s kids. Then you fight Asgore… and after that you fight Flowey. And once that's done you've beaten the game. The ending varies depending on what route you're on and the choices you made.” You decide not to say it also depends on which monsters are still left alive.

You’re bending and twisting the piece of garbage in your hands, a bit nervous for whatever reason to meet anyone’s eyes. Honestly, what are you afraid of?

The room is utterly silent--so quiet, in fact, that you would undoubtedly be able to hear the proverbial pin drop. You take a hesitant peek up at your company and your cheeks heat up and there’s a tingling sensation that crawls down your back as you catch the voided stare of the skeletons around you.

You don't know why but you feel compelled to rush out that, “I only ever managed to do neutral pacifist and true pacifist runs…” before quickly averting your gaze back to the mutilated snack bag. Heck. Why aren't they saying anything? They're the ones who asked! And it's not like you did anything! You didn't bring yourself here, didn't put yourself into this impossible scenario!

Someone say something already!

There's a loud clap and you're ashamed to admit that you very nearly jump out of your seat at the abrupt noise.

“WELL!” Papyrus speaks up, drawing your attention. “I BELIEVE THE HUMAN! THEIR STORY CERTAINLY DOES ADD UP WITH WHAT TRANSPIRED HERE, WITH OUR HUMAN FRIEND. DOESN’T IT, BROTHER?”

Oh bless your beautiful, sweet bones, Papyrus!

All eyes turn to Sans and oh boy. He's doing that blank eye socket thing and he’s sweating.

“y-yeah,” he eventually manages as he brings a bony palm to scrape across the top of his skull. “yeah, paps is right, it checks out.”

Your shoulders slump as tension leaves you. Man, you're going to wind up with all kinds of knots at this rate. The errant thought of whether or not skeletons would be good at giving massages crosses your mind but you stuff it down. Now’s not the time. Maybe later. …maybe.

“WELL. BE THAT AS IT MAY,” Swapfell Sans begins, “THAT DOES NOT EXPLAIN HER APPEARANCE HERE, NOR WHAT SHALL BE DONE WITH HER.”

A cold chill rushes down your spine and your stomach flips. They're not going to throw you out, are they?

Op. There's that tension again.

You shift your gaze to Papyrus, eyes pleading.

“WELL OF COURSE SHE WILL STAY HERE, WITH US!”

Oh sweet baby Jesus, Papyrus you are a saint. That's it, he is absolutely your new favorite.

Underfell Papyrus, on the other hand… he sputters. “I SHOULD THINK NOT!” he protests, gloved hands slamming onto the table. You don't jolt at that, you don't. “WE DON'T EVEN KNOW THIS HUMAN AND YOU WOULD SUGGEST WE KEEP IT HERE? WHERE WE ARE MOST VULNERABLE? PREPOSTEROUS!”

Your brows furrow.

“What?” It's not like you're going to try and dust them in their sleep or anything, what the heck, man.

“OH YOU HEARD ME, HUMAN. I AM WELL AWARE OF YOUR KIND, HOW CONNIVING YOU CAN BE.”

You mouth a silent, “what?” Because… what?

“Uh… I mean. Not that I'm… not uh… flattered? That you’re apparently so intimidated by me but… I wouldn't… I uh… I'm not an asshole.”

Oh dang. Are his cheeks turning red?

�� 

Holy shit???

They are!

“I AM NOT INTIMIDATED BY SOMEONE AS WEAK AND PATHETIC AS YOU!” he denies, booted foot slamming against the linoleum as he stands straight, arms crossing over his chest. “I AM MERELY BEING CAUTIONS, WHICH IS MORE THAN I CAN SAY FOR THESE GULLIBLE, IDIOTIC CREAMPUFFS!” 

There’s a chuckle, low and deep and sexy. Your eyes flit to Swapfell Sans. There’s an amused air about him, his sharp-toothed grin more relaxed than before.

“I AM NOT AGAINST THE HUMAN STAYING HERE. OF COURSE WE WOULD NEED THE REST OF THE HOUSE TO WEIGH IN ON THE DECISION, BUT SHE IS CLEARLY NO THREAT. SHOULD SHE TRY ANYTHING, SHE WOULD BE EASY ENOUGH TO DISPATCH.”

“Uh… thanks? …I think??” You're a bit on the fence with that reasoning. Also isn't that kind of a threat?

“TCH. SUIT YOURSELVES,” Underfell Papyrus sneers. “BUT DO NOT COME CRYING TO ME WHEN IT ATTEMPTS TO DUST YOU IN YOUR SLEEP.” And much like his brother had in the basement, the edgy skeleton makes an abrupt exit.

Funny how he had voiced your thought, though.

“Should… I be worried about him?” you ask the room.

You're a bit surprised when Underswap Papyrus speaks up, as he had been rather quiet since coming up from the basement. “nah, he’s just a worrywart.”

“I… if you say so…” You're not entirely convinced but, well. Your options are kind of limited.

You're about to ask something else when a rather shrill BEEEEEP cuts through the kitchen.

“AH. THAT WOULD BE DINNER.” Swapfell Sans announces. He turns away from the table and all of you grouped there, to attend to the oven.

And it's only after he says something that you finally register the rather pleasant scent wafting through the air. It entices your hunger, your mouth watering as your stomach grumbles quietly. Popato chisps aren't very filling, after all.

[blackbutler-readerinsertsandjunk]

Maybe ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) if you'd be so kind ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) a drabble with Agni not knowing what French kissing is ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) and reader having to """demonstrate""" ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) but if that's too spicy it's okay

Pshhhh, “too spicy”!! I even added a little extra spice XD

This is, I think, my first real time writing French kissing, (and I don’t believe I’ve ever actually French kissed anyone myself), so I’m proud of how it came out! Enjoy ur spicy Indian, u sinners~

“Wait, wait, wait!! You don’t know what a French kiss is??”

Agni’s face is beet red as you start giggling – not trying to make fun of him, of course. But the man is thirty years old, for goodness’ sake! The thought of someone making it past their early twenties without French kissing someone boggles your mind a bit. He’s… had lovers before, hasn’t he? It just kind of strikes you as funny for some reason.

“Ah… no… I’ve never even been to France…” The look on his face when he glances up at your own expression reveals, immediately, that he realizes he’s said something not quite right. A frustrated groan as he buries his face in his hands completes his visible embarrassment. “What??”

All you can do is laugh more, trying to cover your mouth so he doesn’t think you’re laughing at his expense. “O-Oh, dear! Agni, love! You don’t have to be in France to French kiss someone! It’s just a type of kiss that’s different from a normal one!”

“Kya aapako yakeen hai?” he mumbles, only leaning against you when you wrap your arms around him. “It sounds like something you have to experience in another country…”

You chuckle as your laughter dies down, nuzzling against his neck. Poor dear! Perhaps you shouldn’t have laughed for so long. It wasn’t that funny, and you certainly didn’t mean to make him feel insecure. “Rest assured, darling, it’s just a kind of kiss.” Fingers rub carefully at his collarbone in an attempt to soothe his bruised confidence. “Sorry, sweetheart. I wasn’t trying to hurt your feelings.”

He’s soft against your touch immediately, smiling understandingly. “Ah, don’t worry! I’m fine, mera pyaara. So, ah…” He moves his hands away from the cooking, turning down the stove before reaching to clasp your fingers. “What is a… French kiss… anyway? How is it different from a regular kiss?”

“Oh, well – ah. Hmm.” You purse your lips in thought, unsure of exactly how to phrase it. It’s never really been an issue of knowing how to do it, but how do you explain it? If you’re not actually doing it, it sounds awfully awkward. “It’s hard to explain. How about I show you instead?” At the nervous look on his face, you give his hand a reassuring squeeze. “It’s alright! We’ll stop if you feel uncomfortable with it or you don’t like it. Okay?”

That look on his face still reads as a little anxious; you can’t blame him, though. Doing something new for the first time can be pretty scary… especially when you’re not quite sure what that new thing is. “Ahhh… alright. If you’re sure it’s okay.”

“Awh, of course it’s okay.” You carefully turn him around to face you, your hand tugging from his grasp to let one finger affectionately twirl the beaded strands of his hair. “I’m your fiancée, remember? We’re allowed to kiss however we like, and there’s nobody else around right now.” Your other hand sets against his chest, fingers thrumming against the top of his sherwani. “Ready?”

“I…” The blush comes back, blooming light pink over his cheeks. Even as flustered as he seems right now, even without kissing, you know that he would absolutely tell you if he didn’t want to try it. Trust is one of the core values in your relationship. “I suppose I’m as ready as I’ll ever be. Are you ready…?”

Gosh, listen to him! He’s so sweet. “Mhm, I’m ready. Here I come!” you grin before pushing yourself up on your tiptoes. Although Agni’s height is one of the things you find physically attractive about him, sometimes it’s a pain kissing somebody as tall as he is! “Mm, okay, can you just–”

You didn’t even need to say anything, really. As soon as he notices you straining, he happily bends down a bit to make it easier for you, pressing the tip of his nose to yours. “We could have sat down if you would have preferred…”

“No, no! This is perfect! Now, it’s going to start out like a regular kiss.” You don’t wait for him to say anything, because his reply is to drape his arms over your shoulders in preparation. You do the same, and gingerly capture his lips with yours. “Mmm…” A smile forms against his lips as you lean to back him up against the counter. His mouth is always somehow soft and chapped at the same time, and the way he tastes puts a pleasant tingle in your lips.

The only reason you draw back slightly is to get a breath and let Agni know what’s going to happen next. “Alright… now I’m going to do the next part.” Your voice is little more than a wisp of wind, which probably doesn’t make sense since there’s nobody else around. But hey, you’re still a lady and you have to keep passionate things like this a secret – which means you can’t have anybody hearing you. “It might feel a little funny. Let me know if you want me to stop, okay?”

It seems like your lips have the same effect on him that his have on you, because he’s absolutely speechless now. His eyes have gone half-lidded like they usually do during kisses, and his mouth is still parted like a subtle invitation. All he can do is give you a dazed nod in response. You’re sure the kitchen could be on fire and he’d still be utterly focused on only you.

As soon as you get the go-ahead from him, you resume the kiss. A second after doing so, you allow your tongue to peek through your lips and give a gentle brush up against Agni’s. It startles him, apparently, because when you do, he lets out a tiny squeak and pulls back from you in surprise. Your shoulders shake with a few giggles before you give a nudge to his nose with yours. “Don’t be afraid, love,” you whisper. “Let me in. I’ll go slow.”

“Aah, vaah…muhje maaph kar do…” he mumbles, letting his forehead fall against yours. His bindi makes its shape in your skin, his face flushing a little darker. “I… guess I wasn’t expecting that. Ah, k… keep going…”

Another chuckle makes your form shake, and you continue the kiss from before. This time, when you lick his lips with the tip of your tongue, he opens up and grants you entrance. Knowing that this is a wholly new experience for him, (and anyway, it’s your first time doing this with him, so you’d like to enjoy it yourself), you try not to rush anything. Your arms slide up around his neck as you search for his tongue; letting out a brief jolt of laughter when you realize he’s actually hiding from you.

It’s only out of nervousness, though, as you discover when he hesitantly starts sweeping his tongue over yours. Once you start showing him what to do and he gets a little more relaxed about the whole situation, things heat up fairly quickly. He lets his hands fall, digging his fingers into the small of your back and your shoulder blades. Both of you are eager to deepen the kiss as soon as the tension melts away, experimenting with a variety of gestures both in your mouths and with your hands. It doesn’t take too long for the two of you to be practically begging for one another, unable to stay away from each other.

The only times you move away from each other are when you need to come up for air. As you gasp to get breaths in, your eyes are glued on each other’s. “(Y/N)… I love you…”

It’s not the first time he’s said it, but it makes you happy to know he’s enjoying this as much as you are. “I love you, too, Agni… isn’t this nice?”

“It is…” The way he’s gulping in air, one would think he’d just finished running a mile. There’s a smile on his face, though. Something you’ve never seen in him before flashes through his eyes like lightning, and his fingers start moving down. “(Y/N)… I’m going to ask something improper…”

Your lips turn up in a smirk. “Go on, then…”

He’s still breathing hard, although not enough that you’re worried about him. It just seems like a natural reaction for the poor dear when he’s not used to doing something so… intense. “W… Would you… I mean… we could… I could – turn this off, and… we could go… go to your bedroom… and… I-I, ah… we…”

You’re about to just interrupt him and agree to what he’s trying to suggest, because as it is, you’ve been looking forward to taking the next step with him. He already has your love, so it’s probably about time he gets to have the rest of you as well. Unfortunately, when the door to the kitchen opens and Sebastian berates you and Agni for “doing that where the food is prepared”,  the moment is effectively ruined.

It should be a miracle if you’ll be able to look each other in the eyes at the dinner table.

[aroundtheworldin18years]

HALLOWEEN FAMILY FESTIVAL CULTRA 2018

The scariest time of the year is upon us…Hallowe’en  It’s the time of year when ghosts, ghouls and witches awaken to wreak havoc and instil fear among the living.  Beware the Witching Hour, as this may well be the last hour you ever see.  As darkness falls, the dead come to life and flesh-eating zombies walk the earth hungry for human flesh.  Leave your homes at your peril…don’t say we didn’t warn you.  Happy Halloween from the Halloween Family Festival Cultra 2018.

Fangs for dropping in

So the intro may be a little melodramatic but it is Halloween, and although the living dead don’t actually walk among us (although, Mummy in the mornings….yikes), Halloween is a time for fun, fancy dress, lotions, potions, vampire bats, black cats and witches hats.  For Halloween 2018 we received an invitation from the Ulster Folk and Transport Museum to attend the Halloween Family Festival Cultra, which is situated just outside Belfast.  An invite that we duly accepted.  Lily-Belle brought her school friend Mia, and Matilda was just happy because she could dress up.  Lily-Belle dressed as a Vampiress, Mia a witches black cat and Matilda became a witch for the day.

THE DEATH OF LORD KNOX

Our arrival at the Ulster Folk & Transport Museum came after a 2 hour car journey.  Fortunately we were extremely lucky (and surprised) to find a parking space right outside the main entrance.  Other visitors had to park in the lower car park and use a free shuttle bus to the entrance.  The Halloween Family Festival Cultra is a very popular event as the place was heaving.  Thankfully entry queue times were less than 5 minutes and we were soon transported back in time.  Upon entry we were handed a leaflet by a lady dressed in period costume.  The leaflet contained information about the death of Lord Knox, a suspicious wedding to Elizabeth, his estranged son Lancelot and an invite to attend Lord Knox’s funeral at 15:00 in the church.  As well as the funeral, Lord Knox’s killer would be revealed.  Murder…mystery…suspense!  Who would the killer be?

And Lord Knox’s killer is…..

THE CHAMPION OF CHAMP

Our Halloween trip back through time began with a visit to one of the old terraced houses, the aroma of home cooked food wafting out of the front door.  Boiled potatoes mashed with milk, melted butter, cheese and a pinch of salt and pepper to taste…traditional Irish champ!  Small portions were handed out to sample and what a tasty warm delight on such a cold Autumn day.  Inside another house was offerings of freshly baked apple pies.  Bang goes the diet!  Continuing our journey into the unknown, we tread carefully as we walk past cackling witches, monsters, skeletons and superheroes!  SUPERHEROES?  That’s the great thing about the Halloween Family Festival Cultra, it gives young children (and adults) the opportunity to dress up however they see fit.

Champ…the food of champions

Tasty to the core

AS MAD AS A BOX OF FROGS

In the Dispensary Scientific Sue was demonstrating all kinds of ‘magic’ scientific tricks.  This show was what the girls were most looking forward to at the Halloween Family Festival Cultra.  Lily-Belle and I have met Scientific Sue before.  On that occasion Lily-Belle had waist length hair and was plucked from the audience to help demonstrate static electricity.  For today Scientific Sue used Lily-Belle to demonstrate chemical reactions to change the colour of water.  There was also the use of dry ice to extinguish fire, and a demonstration on how to make slime (a firm favourite with the children) and other equally mesmerising experiments.  Scientific Sue is amazing to watch but, if you ask me, she’s as mad as a box of frogs (in a good way).  In all honesty we could watch Scientific Sue all day long, she is truly fascinating to watch.

What do you call a magic dog? A labracadabrador

Taking notions to make lotions and potions

IS THERE A DR IN THE HOUSE?

There certainly was.  Dr Martin was making his rounds at the Halloween Family Festival Cultra.  No doubt having to dress the neck wounds of those who had been bitten by vampires.  He was more than vocal in expressing his views on the death of Lord Knox.  The Dr was also very keen for all to attend Lord Knox’s funeral where he would be divulging who the killer was.  Dressed to impress in his pinstripe suit, black bowler hat and carrying a brown leather medical bag, Dr Martin disappeared down a narrow lane between Cluan Place and Ballycultra Tearooms.  Was Dr Martin the person who sealed Lord Knox’s fate?  Did Dr Martin and Jimmy O’Neill, the proprietor of the Hardware Shop, meet to work on an alibi?  Suspicious…and why was Dr Martin wearing black gloves?

WATCH OUR INTERVIEW WITH DR MIKE SIMMS

Vampires are a real pain in the neck!

Is there a Dr in the house? No, he’s in the hardware shop

SEEKING SANCTUARY AND SALVATION

Feeling fearful, we found sanctuary in the church at the Halloween Family Festival Cultra.  A beautiful building dating back to the early 1900’s, the building was void of all things demonic.  Although, we did see a Witch and a Vampiress deep in prayer!  Maybe a turning point in their undead lives?  Just across the village green the old Picture House was showing a horror film…not for the faint-hearted!  Just a few doors down was Ballycultra tearooms so we took the opportunity to drop in for a feed.  ‘Ghoul’ash for Daddy, Pork and L’eeeeek’ sausages for Mummy, a saucer of milk for the cat (Mia), a bag of Type X blood for the Vampire (Lily-Belle) and a cauldron of critters for the Witch (Matilda).

A cup of tea and a bowl of blood Type X

Lights, camera, popcorn

SENTENCED TO DEATH

Approaching the old Courthouse we saw a sinister figure lurking behind the wrought iron gates, a vampire, fangs sharpened and ready to ambush his next victim.  The Courthouse gave us an insight into the history of law, cops, crime and capers at Ballycultra.  In the chambers Lily-Belle and Mia pretended to be Judges and poor Matilda was sentenced to death!  A tad harsh considering her only crime was ‘being grumpy’!  I’d settle for her tidying her bedroom…far less paperwork!  On to the Wicker Man who was sculpting a magnificent huge throne from willow.  There was also the opportunity for the girls to wear wicker heads.  Plenty of giggles at the Halloween Family Festival Cultra!

Blood donors step this way

Wicker…but not Alan

TRADITIONAL GAMES 

Throughout the course of the Halloween Family Festival Cultra there were lots of different activities for the children to enjoy.  Not wanting to commercialise the Halloween event, the museum had traditional Halloween games such as apple bobbing, magic shows and craft activities.  The girls were less than happy to participate in the apple-bobbing as they didn’t want to get their hair wet!  Mantella had brought a fantastic assortment of animals including a very friendly boa constrictor, a Chilean rose hair tarantula, a scorpion with a definite sting in its tail and a giant gecko lizard.  The children loved handling this array of weird and wonderful creatures….all in the name of education.

READ ALL ABOUT OUR VISIT TO SEE DIPPY ON TOUR

Making friends with Mantella

THE CLOCK STRUCK THREE

After our encounter with the critters of Mantella we visited a number of the old properties.  Ulster Folk & Transport Museum is a charming place to spend the day and the attraction is steeped in history.  I thought the children would get bored but no, they were more than content nipping in and out of the buildings.  Bong…and the clock strikes three at the Halloween Family Festival Cultra, well…it struck three ten minutes ago.  We’re late for the funeral of Lord Knox!

The Bob Marley printer….a;ways jammin’

Fine dining with a musical interlude

A very dapper looking dude

AND THE KILLER IS…

As the saying goes ‘you’ll be late for your own funeral’, that may be so, but we were definitely late for Lord Knox’s!  This will come as no surprise to our regular readers as we are ALWAYS late!  In the pulpit the Minister listened intently as Dr Martin read out excerpts from the late Lord Knox’s diary.  Lady Knox, with a black veil covering her identity; paced erratically in front of Lord Knox’s coffin.  The mourners sat silently, every now and then letting out gasps of disbelief at what Dr Martin read from the little black diary.  Alas, the time had come to reveal Lord Knox’s killer.  Have you guessed who it is?  Watch our video as we reveal the name of Lord Alfred Charles Knox’s murderer…

Lord Knox’s killer was none other than Lady Elizabeth Knox, but not as you and I know her, Lady Knox was in fact…Isabel Sidegrave….a callous and cold hearted witch who haunts Ballycultra’s residents!  Hysteria ensued and the Minister urged mourners to return home instantly and barricade their doors.  Evil is truly among us!

What a magnificent drama to end our day at Halloween Family Festival Cultra 2018 – in a word, brilliant!

WOULD WE GO BACK

Of course.  Although the Halloween family Festival Cultra isn’t very scary, it is a great event for children and adults.  Lots of traditional games and activities for the children, and there’s also the historical aspect of the visit for the adults.  A very worthy attraction to visit.

With a very special thank you to:

Sinead Cunningham – Head of Marketing and PR at NMNI

National Museums Northern Ireland

Ulster Folk & Transport Museum

Thank you for making our visit fun, special and memorable!  We look forward to seeing you all again in the not so distant future.

LILY-BELLE (age 9) SAYS  I was glad that my friend Mia could come with us.  Seeing all of the animals from Mantella was my favourite part of the event.

MATILDA (age 3) SAYS I liked my wiggly witch hat, but Mummy dropped it and broke it.  The science lady was really funny and she made good slime.

Travel Itinerary and Costs

Date of visit:  31st October 2018

Disclaimer: we were working alongside NMNI for our visit to the UF&TM, entry was gratis and in return we have provided this write up of our experience.  All experiences and opinions are our own.

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Information, currency and prices are correct at the time of publishing. Views, opinions and experiences are that of The Callaghan Posse and are correct at the time of publication. Photos, unless credited below, taken by The Callaghan Posse for use and distribution by Around The World In 18 Years.

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HALLOWEEN AT ULSTER FOLK & TRANSPORT MUSEUM HALLOWEEN FAMILY FESTIVAL CULTRA 2018 The scariest time of the year is upon us...Hallowe'en  It's the time of year when ghosts, ghouls and witches awaken to wreak havoc and instil fear among the living.