#it's like the weirdest gender dysphoria because like

[sheogorad]

is passing a win for my safety and security? yes. is passing also a fat L for how people view and treat me in the world when it comes to making friendships with women/femmes? yes! like literally i'm one of the gworls. LET ME HANG OUT LET ME IN!!!

[mymp3]

wave ^_^)/ !!!! i hate to be predictable, but for the ask game - poor ryoji mochizuki ? :]c

VITY! waves back o/

Anyways here's Ryoji Mochizuki world’s most perfect boy ^_^

favorite thing about them

Where do I start. Nyx being the primordial being, God in the persona universe. All life comes from her. She’s the beginning and the end, she is death itself. Having death be put inside a small boy and his kindness and love making death want to be human itself. Wanting to repay that kindness and love, feeling guilt at the way it treated the small boy, ruining his life.

The fact that Ryoji is Death, is Thanatos, is Pharos, is Nyx. They’re all the same being. The concept and execution of that, who had no feelings either way before, being treated so kindly to the point where it takes forms this bond with P3 Hero. Protecting him from the first arcana shadow as Thanatos on the first full moon of the game. The culmination of these forms is of course Mochizuki Ryoji. Who’s become soft and sweet. He copies P3 Hero’s appearance and gender and is everything that he never knew he wanted to be.

He loves the world so much, loves humanity so much. He’s so endlessly kind and having that kindness be a direct reflection of P3 Hero makes it that much sweeter. The fact he created this form because of his desire to have it and desire to separate himself from Nyx is the sweetest thing in the world. Especially when they’re all still the same being. Ryoji just has a hard time putting that in perspective again, he doesn’t want to be that, (Evident by his dumb Ryoji phase) doesn’t want to go back to that. It’s so sweet. He’s the cutest in the world.

least favorite thing about them

I honestly don’t think I have one.

favorite line

“I know you better than anyone after all… That’s why I came back to you as Ryoji Mochizuki.” (I know this is kind of cheating. sry.)

brOTP

Him and Junpei are so good it’s unreal. Just bros being bros. They hang out, are the most frat of guys and its hilarious. But when Junpei is going through a rough time Ryoji always knows exactly what to say. I find it so sweet.

OTP

Ryomina

They are literal soulmates. They are one another. Mirror images. Love birds. Codependent cats. Made for each other in the most literal of senses. Ryoji made his form from Minato so they could spend time together. Minato taught Death kindness.

Sometimes I feel so like I’m making them up they’re so perfect.

NOTP

This is a bit odd to type out but pretty much anyone who isn’t P3 Hero with Ryoji? I see Ryoji as only being made for one person in particular, so the others just don’t appeal to me in the same way.

random headcanon

Can I cheat and put more than one. I’m gonna. These are all Ryoji post P3 unless stated otherwise.

- Ryoji going a step further and taking Minato’s hair and eye color. Draining a blue Minato used to have til his are bright and shining. The same way he absorbed his kindness.

- He is crazy codependent. Like crazy codependent. If he was able to touch Minato for a split second in November they would never be able to let go of one another. That’s why Minato had to avoid him in FES.

-He's really warm! Got that from Minato too so he's left with all the cold. Ryoji's fun to hug though :)

- Him and Minato watch over the world together in the great seal! Ryoji shares the knowledge while Minato catches up on rest and helps explain new concepts to him when he wakes up. He’s his doorman ^_^ (ha)

- He would really enjoy working retail if he ever got the shot. He loves people in general. Getting to meet them, talk to them, the whole shebang.

- He’s embarrassed of being Pharos. Like people get of old baby photos.

- Ryoji is metaphorically trans baby. Wanting to copy Minato and preferring being called Ryoji, a boy. It makes talking about Gods a bit difficult. Dysphoria and all. Poor thing experiences it in the weirdest of ways. But as Minato and Ryoji continue to be the seal, it’ll get easier.

- He likes sunrises and cheesy rom coms and fairy tales. Classic knight and princess stories. Kind of has the most normal taste ever, but a romantic at heart.

- Speaking of normal, I think “Dumb Ryoji” is a representation on what Minato would have been like if Death was never sealed inside of him. Perfect friends with all of the right people, charming, a bit of a playboy, and best friends with Junpei.

unpopular opinion

I personally don’t imagine Ryoji with a sexuality. His human form was made as a mirror to Minato, and so interacting with him throws him off course. He acts different around him, it confuses him. I don’t see anything Dumb Ryoji does as being a real representation of who Ryoji is.

song i associate with them

My Ryoji playlist is just the most cheesy songs you’ve ever heard in your life.

Anyways I guess my pick is “Rhythm Of Love" by the Plain White T's. (yeah ik. please go easy on me he's so owl city 2010's pop to me.)

favorite picture of them

i like how pouty he gets when he's upset ^_^

[sawyerquinnbrown]

My neighbor upstairs runs an Airbnb out of his apartment, which has led to many interesting and exciting situations for me. Well, I say ‘exciting’, mostly I mean ‘inconvenient’ and sometimes ‘hilarious.’

Last month I discovered that, while I on the ground floor have a one-bedroom with a tiny office, my upstairs neighbor has 4 bedrooms on two floors that he rents by himself for about a billion US dollars, so it makes perfect sense that he would run an Airbnb, to recoup some of his costs. I imagine it takes a strength of character when you live in an Airbnb, because personally, I don’t want people in my house. That’s why I moved to my own place at 36; I’d had enough. My only roommates now are two very attractive and high-quality felines, who will be introduced in more detail in a later blog post.

Anyway, the Airbnb. The first thing I noticed once this started was that I was constantly jumping whenever someone was coming through the front gate and tromping up the stairs, which was frequent. This is due to my anticipation of my many online purchases. (I purchase many things online because 1) it’s fun to receive things in the mail and 2) I don’t like to leave my house—there’s weather out there, and also bugs.) So: many comings and goings and creakings of the gate.

The second thing I noticed occurred one day when I heard some rattling outside my door. That’s odd, I thought, I’m not expecting any guests. Actually, my thought process was more like Aaaaaa, someone’s trying to break into my apartment! (My upstairs neighbor had been robbed a couple months prior, so this was a totally rational and normal and not-overreactive thing to panic about.) I am Extremely Brave™ (No.), so I went to the door and opened it to discover a hapless traveler with a large rolling suitcase attempting to open the lockbox I hung outside my door. Much relieved, I informed the traveler that the lockbox he was looking for was upstairs.

(Sidenote about the lockbox: I hung it up shortly after moving in because of the time I locked myself out. I was trying this cool thing called “Carrying stuff in my pockets like a dude” due to extreme gender dysphoria, and I left my keys inside my apartment. My landlord was kind enough to charge me $25 to unlock my door, and I ordered the lockbox as soon as I got inside. $25! ::snarling noises::)

The third point of excitement occurred late one night when a knock came at my door around 11:30pm. At the door stood an older butch woman who had run into the same problem as I had: she’d locked her keys inside the apartment, in this case the Airbnb. Unable to get in contact with my neighbor, she was trapped outside. I volunteered to text him and in exchange she offered me a beer. I feel guilty about not offering to let her kip on my air mattress, but, as previously stated, I don’t like to have people in my house.

Finally we come to the real issue of neighboring an Airbnb: too-generous guests. This sounds counterintuitive, so let me explain. As I mentioned, I like to receive packages in the mail so I can open presents I ordered for myself. However, due to Chicago being weird (in my experience as a former Bostonian), my ground floor apartment being a “1” and the upstairs apartment being a “2” is apparently unusual. Typically, I’ve been told, “1” is upstairs. So despite the very clear and large numeral “2” on my neighbor’s mailbox, everyone likes to deliver my stuff up the stairs. The too-nice Airbnb-ers see these packages and say to themselves, Aha! A package for my host! and without checking the name on the package, helpfully carry them inside and lock the door. I am left bereft, knowing my package has arrived but unable to access, for instance, a box of lightbulbs (listen, I know. Adults get excited about the weirdest things).

If you liked this post, please check out my Wordpress blog or buy me a Ko-fi!

[frilledshark-enthusiast]

dusting off the metal family hyperfixation with some hc’s

Dee hc’s

.freckles everywhere .loves dressing feminine .hella touch and attention starved .used to hate all animals but has a love for rats that started from the one on the lab .gets sick super easily like extremely easily .autistic .bad motor skills .Non-binary transfem she/they they/them .oral fixation. Subconsciously chews on everything .doesn’t know how to take care of there hair type .all animals hate her except for the animals that hate everybody else .super flexible .no muscle mass whatsoever .scared of dogs .dissociates constantly .gifted kid burn out but still gets good grades so no one notices .eating disorder because there constantly scared that someone poisoned there food or that there are bugs in it .echolalia to the moon and back, really clashes with heavy meowing as a stim .hates sweet stuff but loves ice .banshee screams into pillows when there really upset (one time forgot the pillow and Vicky came up with a baseball bat because she thought they were being murdered) .will cry if the spaces between there fingers are not cold .gets cold suuuuper easily .also overheats easily .has textured skin (think Anitra out of drag Rupals drag season 15) .sleeps in the weirdest places and positions .separates food to eat it .was born early, got sick a lot as a kid almost didn’t make it to 5 .lactose intolerant but actually takes it serious and doesn’t eat anything with lactose .lot of gender dysphoria .cries a lot but only people they trust know or see it, glam knows something is wrong when Dee stops crying aurond them .very shy and scared as a child .loves science (not a hc) .chronically Ill .scared of thunder storms .sick kid that’s in the hospital all the time .heavy realized that he could pick Dee up and now does it all the time, dee hates it and heavy has been hit many a time .wears minimal to no concealer because they hate the way it feels on there face .there url would be rariDee fight me .does just as much if not more trouble as heavy but doesn’t get caught .HATES being called differently abled .some sort of childhood stuffie that they can’t sleep without and hide from everyone .low iron .dissociates when overstimulated .has problems with self injuries when stimming .claustrophobic .has a habit of lying to get the reaction they want out of people .still sleeps with stuffed animals .uses forearm crutches/wheelchair .partially deaf HOH  .has Gastroparesis

[twig-tea]

BL/QL Ask game : The Ugly, the Bad and the Worst

Thank you for the game, @clara-maybe-ontheroad! And thanks for tagging me @clara-maybe-ontheroad and @lurkingshan! I started out by saying to myself that I'm going to do my best to ignore my urges and just answer the first thing that comes to me rather than treating this like a quiz. And then I went into a fugue and worked on this for >5 hours. WHOOPS.

Original version here for anyone else who wants to play!

Also quick warning, this is asking about the worsts, so TW for mentions of horrific plot points below.

Worst soundtrack / weirdest song choice in a BL

Ohhhhh man, ok so the first thought that came to mind was Never Let Me Go, which mostly had fantastic background music, and that's maybe why when it didn't hit it stood out so badly (sorry to my man Pond, not all BL actors should be singers! And having his OST play over their kiss in Part 7 4/4 was just mean). For the record I love this show (actually maybe it should go in one of the below categories because so many tumblr folks dislike it) but this was rough.

Most cringe-inducing line (cute)

These don't tend to stick with me...there are so many, and I am allergic to sincerity so everything earnest is various levels of cringe to me. So with that in mind, basically everything Gavreel ever said in Gameboys counts.

Most cringe-inducing line (actually bad)

Anytime someone said "Once I start I won't be able to stop" or some variation.

Most stupid decision made by a character

Jun Ho deciding to die rather than bite Min Hyun in Kissable Lips. Min Hyun was offering. it would have made Jun Ho human. He could have had his friends around to make sure he didn't go too far and kill him. Instead he decides to fade away in his arms like a dick. WHY.

Special mention to NuengDiao going back to his hotel where his murderous uncle is waiting with no plan other than to walk in wearing a suit and a cocky expression in Never Let Me Go.

[@bengiyo and @wen-kexing-apologist are correct about Teh giving up his spot to Oh Aew in I Told Sunset About You as the actual correct answer, btw]

Worst plot line

Every penultimate episode crises resulting in the leads splitting up so that they can reunite in the finale that are not earned and significantly detract from my enjoyment of a series [this list is not comprehensive]: 2Gether, Minato's Laundromat S2, Enchanté, Love Class, Plus & Minus.

The most problematic show you've watched

I've seen literally all of them so this feels like an unfair question lol there are layers of problematic; like, is it even worth considering all of the problems with A Round Trip to Love, or The Shortest Distance is Round, or What the Duck s2? I wrote out summaries for these and then decided no thanks. If anyone wants to know they can DM me.

In terms of series that are problematic but not often considered problematic, I'm calling out Love Area the series. It hits two of my pet peeves: shitty treatment of a poor character by an oblivious rich love interest that directly affects their sources of income, and an ableist subplot. I think it also has an unearned separation in the penultimate episode but honestly I remember thinking they should stay split up so maybe it was earned.

A show people love but you find bad

Vice Versa. Sorry to all who love that show. I wanted to like it; the colouring and cinematography are beautiful and the alternate universe was neat worldbuilding. But the plot makes me so, so angry.

Ditto Cutie Pie the series. I just can't enjoy it.

A show people find bad but you will defend

Honestly there are several, but the one that is most disliked that I will ride hardest for is probably Secret Crush On You (which I argued ended with one of the most healthy relationships in a BL here LMAO). I get why people find this show hard to watch, the cringe is real. But the gender expression! The found family! The "he's a weirdo and that's why I love him" dynamic! The mutual lusting! The body dysphoria! The fact that both start by playing into BL tropes and it's only by throwing those out that they can actually have a meaningful relationship! The way both characters have real growth! And like yes Toh is a fanboy stalker but that is problematized in the show! It gave us the growth from fanboy to faen that Be Mine Superstar didn't. I have a lot of emotions about this show.

ALSO because I cannot stop, I will forever to my dying breath defend Color Rush. I don't care what you say about dead fish kisses I can't hear you over the incredibly powerful metaphor about the queer experience!

A show that is just objectively bad but you enjoyed it

Bahahhaha. Um. So many, my friends. OH I'm going to take this chance to shout out the lesser-known webseries Discipline Z: Vampire (Korean, YouTube, 2020). It's ostensibly a sequel to Discipline, but the only thing they share is a single character so you don't need to watch it to understand what's happening in Discipline Z (they are entirely different shows in every way; Discipline is more youth slice of life with a queer story as part of the ensemble). Listen, I'm talking about this show in this category for a reason; it's about a vampire who falls for a street dancer, whose motley crew of hacker friends help rescue the vampire from an evil corporation that wants to experiment on him to understand his immortality. It is BAD.

But. BUT! I love it. Everyone is so pretty. There is a cute hacker girlie. There is scifi nonsense to explain immortality. There is a good kiss. There are characters willing to sacrifice to do the right thing. I am a simple woman. [Fair warning to my happy ending only pals: this ending is ambiguous at best; there was supposed to be a follow-up epilogue for the couple, but it never got filmed.]

Bonus, En of Love was absolutely trash and it has a very special place in my heart. It's not good (like, at all), but it's great.

A bad show that you kept watching because you were intrigued/fascinated

Let's go with Physical Therapy the series. At some point I just kept watching like a car wreck to see how bad it could get. Also shout-out to Dinosaur Love, which was...similarly bewildering.

A bad show that you kept watching because you were horny

@lurkingshan already stole my first answer for this, but oh man I stay a Why R U apologist for the Fighter/Tutor chemistry. I actually think somewhere in there is a really interesting show, if the pandemic hadn't made it impossible for them to film the ending that they wanted to, but based on the Korean version and the parts that we were told had to be cut, maybe it would have actually made it worse. But just to get on my soapbox for half a sec, Tutor was in debt, working himself to exhaustion, and Fighter (after he got over himself) protected him at his one job, joined him to help him meet his sales targets at another, hired him for a third, paid off his debt collector to take the pressure off, and then took him on vacation to help him relax--twice. I have issues with depictions of poverty in BL but at least my man secured the bag while also pursuing love or whatever. Also he whispers "get inside me" while they're making out, sorry, Tutor will forever be a fave of mine.

Since that's taken, I'm going to use this as an excuse to shout out the hotness of My Day the Series. It was predominantly not great but the heat moments....

A bad show that you kept watching because of that one character

I'm giving this to Noey Watplu from I Will Knock You. I was obsessed with him. I want his confidence so badly. I love how he's essentially a dork in cosplay but gets away with it because of his rizz. Truly iconic. This man decided he was being seduced and said "bet". I really enjoyed this show because of him and him alone.

A bad show that you would still recommend

I'm going to put Ghost Host Ghost House here. It's "bad" in the sense that it had low production values (like, really bad, so bad the time of day changes at random because they lost the light while filming). But the romance was cute, the story around the romance was interesting, the worldbuilding around the merit credits was fascinating, the side mystery was so heartbreaking, the various characters actually had a lot of difficult emotions to portray, and overall I think this show is underrated.

I also already have and will again recommend YYY as a fun and fascinating watch to anyone who asks about it, @waitmyturtles is correct on that call.

The character that ruined a show the most

There are several annoying sides in BL, but I'm giving this to the side hets in My Oxygen. A fujoshi who records people without their consent for online clout is bad. A doctor using his role as a doctor to get closer to his patient is really bad. Pretending to be interested in his friend because the girl he likes is a fujoshi is worse; then using her brother as his friend's stand-in when his friend won't put up with it anymore is the WORST.

Most awful character that you hated

I mean, Lhong in TharnType takes it for not only arranging the gang rape of Tar, but being forgiven for it in the series. Neung in Tonhon Chonlatee comes a close second for attempting to rape Chonlatee and then claiming the moral high ground against his homophobic "friend". Tony in History 5: Love in the Future doesn't get enough hate for trying to murder someone just because he was his love rival. Namning in La Cuisine had her love rival bullied, beaten and who knows what she was going to do with that gun. Also shoutout to @wen-kexing-apologist's answer of Korn, in KinnPorsche, he was so insidiously evil, it was so well done.

Most awful character that you loved

I'm going with "awful" as not necessarily (just) morally bad but that people didn't like: Jaime from Win Jaime's Heart. Objectively he's a fuckboi of the worst calibre. He agrees to go on a webshow in which he dates Heart so that he can seduce the creator of the show Winston. And Jaime is so charming that I don't care about his bi wrongs (partially, to be fair, because the premise is ridiculous so it's hard to take too seriously).

Special mention (because it's not a series) to Wine in Red Wine in the Dark Night. I love a murder twink (speaking of, things are looking really good for me to stay in love with Ai Di from Kiseki if it keeps on this track).

If we're interpreting "awful" as characters that other people don't like, it'll probably go to Toh from Secret Crush on You or Gus in Diary of Tootsies. They're flawed, they're femme, they're fantastic.

A character that wasn't awful but that you just don't like

Can in Love By Chance and the sequels. Tinn is an asshole and knows it; Can is an asshole but is also self-righteous, but in all honesty his biggest flaw for me is that he's not competent and I have little patience for that.

A hero that should have been a villain

Tempted to give this to Ko from Love Poison for essentially trying to love spell date rape his love interest--this is only not that bad because magic isn't real so of course it doesn't do anything.

Possibly Athit (Boun's character) from Even Sun? I put a question mark there because this was so convoluted and hard to follow I'm not even 100% sure I remember it right, but from what I remember, this was not a romantic story at all.

Taking a totally different approach to the question, Joke from Hidden Agenda should have been a secret villain (in the sense that he should have been scheming and sociopathic but hiding it, ineffectually, from Zo) in order to make the series make sense, but apparently I can't have nice things.

And finally, special mention to Phu in The Promise for being the villain for so many of us already.

A morally bad character you're into

Zhu Zi Shu, canon war criminal and child murderer from Word of Honor. He thought he was doing bad things for good reasons (protecting the people he loves), realized he was just doing bad things and the people he loves were all dead anyway, and crafted a convoluted plot to get out of the secret society rules that he created to prevent anyone from leaving. And then he wanders aimless until he meets Wen Ke Xing and becomes as loyal to this equally morally dubious man as he was to his secret society. I love him (and them) so much.

Same type of deal, different scale of crime: Akk from The Eclipse. I have a soft spot for this trope.

A morally bad character you're not into and you wish people would stop being into

Xue Yang from The Untamed. Also a mass murderer, but doing it just for the vibes/to avenge his finger, so he gets zero love from me. People woobify him just because he's sassy it's...rough.

The show that disappointed you the most

From hype to execution? So Much in Love / Ni Yam Ruk. I slogged through such awful subs TWICE (because they claimed they redid them, but they are still terrible) to try to give this show a chance, because the premise sounded right up my alley. I still think there's a show in there that I would have liked, but it is literally unwatchable.

Most disappointed from what the show seemed like it was doing at the start to what it delivered in full is a tie between The Shipper and Step By Step.

The Worst Show of Them All Because of Your Own Reasons

That's My Candy. I've only ever dropped/not finished I think 3 or so shows? And this was the most painful and the one I am least likely to ever finish. The pairing was overplayed, the comedy was heavy handed, and the plot was absolutely cringe inducing. It was literally torture trying to watch this.

If you made it this far, thank you for reading!

Tagging @visualtaehyun @nothingsbetterthancoffee @lurkingteapot @snidgetwrites @formayhem @slayerkitty @respectthepetty @ginnymoonbeam no pressure as always! And if you play and I didn't tag you but you're reading this, tag me anyway! I love reading everyone's answers.

[genderisafuck]

Experiencing gender dysphoria because AI created a picture of a boy and it looked kinda like me. Cant say thats the weirdest source of dysphoria but ehhh me no likey

[neims-skeleton-obsession]

I’ve been thinking about trans skug and I haven’t seen??? much on it so have some thoughts

and contributions from the non skug friend that made me feel things about graves

Cw talking about dysphoria and somewhat death under the cut

Y’know how you can somewhat tell the agab by a skeleton. like. pelvis. Size??? think??? And how he has the Bone Room?? Someone left him their pelvis in their will. For euphoria purposes. Suitable pelvis. Courtesy of lil grave bitch /pos

Please just imagine that will reading it would be so good

Ttthe stammer he had when he was a kid (which I choose to believe continued into his early twenties n just got better with time) was made worse on Bad dysphoria days.

Like speaking just sucked even mOre

Very much think the voice dysphoria was extreme

So when he Skeleton’d and realised he couldn’t do any damage to his vocal chords (ie voice training) if he didn’t have any he was absolutely delighted. Probably did some stuff bEfore he died but lack of vocal chords made it easier

Worded that horribly hopefully it makes sense

Mans probably did the getting gender envy from the weirdest shit (I’m not projecting shut up /sarc lh) so when the skeletoning happened he was Very confused as to why he didn’t entirely hate it

It may be the 1600s but ghastly kicks his ass over not binding safely

Like “no, skul, you can’t just use bandages you’ll hurt yourself”

And then proceeds to make them both binders. Early not amazing binders but dammit skul these are safer then what you were using I don’t want you to get hurt

T4T ghasdug gives me life ok. it’s great.

Also ghastly makes him clothes that specifically aren’t horrific and dysphoria inducing

Also I like to think nef let the mans keep his makeshift binder during Torture And Murder. Like “I may despise you but dammit I respect you” kinda thing. because why not.

Please. Please add onto this I don’t know if it’s already a thing I can’t find tons on it and. mmmmmmim experiencing thoughts and feelings again. I just think trans skug characters are neat.

[awholeassmess]

Weirdest thing to come out of me reading @beluvbug 's princess of gender dysphoria au is facing all these thoughts about body dysmorphia in relation to my own gender and not being enough, rather than just letting them collect cobwebs in my mental closet. beware this is a vent post, i am simply tagging the creator so anyone who wants to can go read that au, its wonderful its well written and its fun even if it emotionally punches you in the gut.

Im not transmasc or transfem, i was born in a female body and i enjoy femininity and the idea of being perceived masculinely makes me feel ill, theoretically that makes me cis right? I thought so for ages, but the body that i am in, is not feminine enough to me. I look at people with my body who identify as feminine and i call them beautiful, i call them gorgeous. I look at my body in the mirror and all i can see is too wide shoulders and a too flat chest, bones and limbs that are a little too sharp. I am too sharp, i am not soft enough to be loved like these people. I do not have to be soft to be feminine, femininity does not have to be soft, why does my sharpness feel different than theirs.

Alex mentioned in an ask response the idea of feeling like he hadn't 'grown up' like the rest of his peers. That their body had not caught up in the way that their peers had. I felt much the same way, damn i still feel this way and i dont know if that will ever change. Most days it feels like this body is not mine, i control it, i take care of it, but it wasn't supposed to be my body. I was supposed to be different, I just don't know how, all I know is that this one is wrong.

All this to say I felt so free calling myself a demigirl, going by both she and they. It did not make me less, it was not me deciding that i wasn't enough. I don't have all these beautiful words and metaphors that so many people have learned to wield because describing how we feel is hard. I am trying, i will say it felt like i had worn a too small shirt for years, wearing one that fit let me breathe. My chest is still tight, but i am no longer struggling the same way i once was.

[wonderbreadog]

[kindly asking exclusionists and anti mspec lesbians ppl to just scroll past this post, please! thank you so much /gen . hate will be deleted and/or blocked tbh i will not give you the time of day]

okay I started writing this really long personal post about my past and about coming to terms with being a butch bi lesbian and how difficult and confusing it was of a journey to even get to this point, especially because I've medically transitioned and am happy with how I present myself (I look like a cis man but am not one, the butch dysphoria was just a thing that I didn't realize I was experiencing) and with how I identify (genderfuck truly is the gender label ever literally none of this is real) but then I realized that I didn't like how it was worded at all so I'm making another one ...

this may not make sense and may have a bunch of typos but its late for me and this is raw and I'm happy and feeling good and want to share. I'm not even adding tags for reach cuz this is a personal post

but hey, damn, being a lesbian was this massive repressed part of my identity that has always been with me but tucked away deep into the depths of my brain where I could not reach it because I THOUGHT I was a bi man (then eventually a bi nonbinary person), but I can't ignore it anymore.

I am a lesbian. a bi lesbian.

I love women SO MUCH. I have always loved women. but I also love nonbinary people. genderqueer people. bigender/trigender/pangender people who have being a woman or being woman adjacent as part of their identities. I love genderfluid people. even MORE people that I can't fit here. and yes, I love men.

I am bi, but also very much a lesbian. and very, very much butch. 100% without a doubt I am butch and always have been.

deep inside of me I guess I always knew a large part of me still held on to being a woman - and it still does. I am not entirely separated from it, I am still very much one, but I am also everything in between and nothing at the same time; however, I am still very disconnected from being a man. I just like to present incredibly masculine and pass for one.

I can't explain it, but I played butterfly soup again with my partner recently and something happened, to put it bluntly. I found it in 2018 during my transition, and it woke something up in me (I just didn't realize it.) playing it again now, and reconnecting with the characters made me realize that man. yeah. yeah, I'm probably a lesbian and this game made me realize that. yeah.

it's difficult because I know not many people will understand my experience and probably won't ever. I'm trying to be okay with that. genuinely though, I just want to be left alone in my little corner of the internet waving my little lesbian flag and hugging myself and giving myself the much needed self love that I deprived myself of for so long.

I have had so much internalized lesbophobia and transphobia brewing inside of me these past 7 years that it's time I heal from it. embrace who I am, you know? I am one of the weirdest people on the planet and I should learn to be okay with that, cuz regardless I have several people who love me and that makes it all okay.

and, honestly, I understand myself more now and I don't need people to tell me that my personal experience was wrong. I have things I've gone through - deeply upsetting things - that I won't talk about. things that don't need to be said. I also won't be going into every intricacy of why the lesbian label fits me so well; unless we are very close, that shouldn't matter to you. I am just someone on the internet that you can ignore. THAT is too personal for this post, and I will not be disclosing those reasons publically (for now, anyway)

so ya, goodnight, I am horrified to post this and see what horrors await me when I wake

[thesleepiestselkie]

i truly believe the trans community has got to start openly and loudly supporting detrans folks. i wanna share my story with y'all, and it is long and possibly triggering? and i say at least one nsfw thing. but i feel like a lot of trans people only ever see detrans stories weaponized against them, and therefore there's a good chunk of the trans community that has (understandably) a lot of vitriol towards detrans people. so since it's pride month, i wanted to talk a minute about being a nonbinary detrans person.

when i first started learning about trans and nonbinary identities, i knew pretty much immediately that i was nonbinary. i was in high school by the time i found out that you could be a different gender than the one on your birth certificate, and i was over the fucking moon. problem was, i was a homeschooled navy brat pastor's kid 3 for 1 combo and so my literal Only exposure to any world outside of patriarchal gender & sexuality norms was.... you guessed it! tumblr.

tumblr around 2013-2015 was a pretty weird and vitriolic place to be nonbinary. half the site claimed you were faking, the other half was trying to lure you in by spouting the weirdest genders on god's green earth. (i love y'all go wild with ur genders that's just not my brand of existence.) so like.... i picked a side? i decided when i was around 15 that being nonbinary was kinda cringe and from that point on i identified as a trans guy.

cue fighting with my parents for like 7 years about the whole existence of trans people, the idea that i was a trans people, this weird belief i had that i should have bodily autonomy, and this weird belief that they had that pretty much anything could be cured if you prayed hard enough (from anxiety to cancer to, surprise, transgenderism)

the only way i came out of that fight as myself was through transitioning. i very loudly expressed that i Would do what i wanted with my body, and they had no right to control me. when i started t shots, i was 19, and i loved it.

i was euphoric every time i got gendered correctly by a stranger, i celebrated the first time i shaved real beard hairs from my face, it was beautiful. genuinely. i was part of a community of other trans guys ("guys" here ranging from "100,000% binary ftm transsexual" to "transmasc nb who's just happy to be here") and we loved each other hard.

i think i started consciously having to push away real doubts about continuing to transition when i was pursuing top surgery. i really, truly, wasn't sure. but by that point, it felt almost expected of me from the one side, and absolutely forbidden on the other. and like, i don't know that i would have gone through with it if it was just our weird homoerotic groupthink, i was sick of my tits bc like. they're tits. they suck to live with regardless of how hot they are. i was sick and tired of choosing between binding (over ribs that had already been fractured at least once due to improper binding) or being misgendered. and i was exhausted of my parents telling me, at age 21, that i didn't have the right to do what i wanted with my body.

so i got top surgery. and, like, i was happy. but i think i knew i fucked up as soon as i woke up from the surgery. the surgeon didn't leave me with any areolas whatsoever, which i didn't think going in was even a possibility. and maybe this is trivial, but that sparked something in me that i was terrified to admit, and couldn't, until much later on: i felt dysphoria about not having my tits.

but like, i was committed to the bit, you know? i'd gotten used to being a guy, and it fit well enough, like a second-hand sweater. so i just kinda rode the wave as far as it would take me. i did my shots (with absolutely no regularity because through all 3 years i was on testosterone stabbing myself in the leg really never got less hard and scary) and if i was being real i would admit to myself that i was probably more transmasc than a trans *man*.

and then my brother died! of aforesaid cancer that my parents tried real hard to pray away. (to be clear, they also got him the best medical treatment they possibly could, they aren't full on religious nutjobs.) and, quite frankly, i hadn't realized before then how integral to my identity my brother was. (again, homeschooled military kid with exactly one similarly-aged person who was actually around for more than a couple years of my life.) it kinda broke the shell identity that i'd been hiding behind. i realized i had a responsibility to myself to be myself, and i just wasn't a fuckin trans guy.

so i stopped taking t, and i started opening myself up to dressing how i used to love dressing, before i got all truscummy. and i felt myself come back into my body a bit, for the first time in god only knows how long.

fast forward 3 (ish) long, godawful, miserable years of therapy and grief and more grief, and i'm a pretty well-adjusted nonbinary person. i have a wife and a 9-5 job and my creative drive has been returning in spades. but i'm still dysphoric about my tits. i miss them. i can't say whether i made a mistake in getting top surgery, because my mental health was so completely shot back then that it really might have saved my life in some way or other, but it feels like one now. they were pretty, and soft, and sensitive. i got my nipples pierced last year and literally could not feel it happening. i only have feeling in some parts of my chest. i look fine, and i've accepted that this is the body i chose to live in. but sometimes i wish i wasn't so afraid to talk about this feeling.

some of y'all talk a big game about supporting detrans folk, but i don't see it. in mainstream lgbtq+ culture, is it absolutely taboo to talk about detransitioning, and y'all know it is. and there is literally no one else speaking up for us. a lot of detrans people become anti-trans specifically due to the reception their detransition was given by the community. it is so transparently hostile towards us because we got it wrong. and if people can make mistakes, that might mean (*gasp*) you might make a mistake?? and then it's a Real risk and not a fake one that conservatives made up to scare the parents of trans kids. and we just can't have that.

shouldn't we be telling kids that in your life, you're going to do things you risk regretting, and it's okay, because everyone has regrets? it's not some trans-specific thing. i regret my college boyfriend and not taking better care of my first car. i also regret having top surgery. it's not a dirty word—i'm just some guy, and everyone fucks up, sometimes in life-ruining ways. mine wasn't life-ruining, just kinda hard to process. but man, it sure woulda been easier if literally the only welcoming community for detrans people wasn't coincidentally Extremely anti-trans 🙃

and like........ i'm also.... Still Trans? i detransitioned to the gender i was before i identified as ftm: nonbinary. i stopped my medical transition, i reverted back to they/them pronouns. i detransitioned, but the idea that only cis people detransition is overwhelmingly binarist if you think about it for more than 2 seconds. (idk if that's a word but i'm making it one. you literally know what i mean). i can participate in trans dialogue, but there are areas of my history that i just have to avoid because i'll start getting dirty looks.

so yeah. all that to say. please start including us. loudly. please make a safe space for people who made mistakes, because the only one that exists right now is built to radicalize us against the people for whom those choices weren't mistakes.

[stormy-talks]

The weirdest kind of dysphoria I've been experiencing is aging, and I feel like there's no one to talk to about that because all my followers and subscribers are quite young. A lot of people can't relate to the experience of being almost mid-30s and seeing signs of aging. I have a dad bod. My belly is bloated while the rest of me is skinny. My hairline is thinning. I have to take things more slowly because I get back pain and joint pain.

I no longer feel like a "pretty boy". No more dyed hair or painted nails. No more fem-leaning gender fuckery. All my makeup just sits on a shelf collecting dust. I feel... weirdly washed up even though I've barely lived. I've barely done anything on YouTube or with any sort of career and yet I feel irrelevant, outdated, and hardly relatable. I'm just some boring old dude trying to be something he's not.

[butchviking]

can i say something. smthn mentally ill :) thanks. i dont know how to do a readmore on mobile sry :3

i spend a lot of time going back and forth on chest dysphoria and what uhh. Options. i would like to take or not take abt that. and in the end i always decide well this is my body and it is what it is and mental illness is tough but it happens and i know how to deal w it and i will always have ups and downs but my body is my body and i shouldnt hurt it just for existing. weirdest thing abt it is i spend so much time hating it but it never says a bad word about me, it's not perfect but it's mine, etc. and then as SOON as i go to a concert its like. no literally my life would be so much easier and im so so tired i just dont want to wear bras i dont want to wear binders i want to move and breathe freely i don't want things to move i don't want to worry about whats exposed u cant wear smthn loose enough to not constrict at all while still keeping things in place which by definition requires constriction. i wanna just BE. nd sometimes i think i am just wasting years that i could b spending feeling. free. choosing to NOT do that because ???. because why? can't remember. but i d. i don. i ddont wanna kill time like it doesnt matter. do u understand. i dont wanna kill time like it doesnt matter!! waited long enough to be this way!!! [s]he cant change for love [s]he explains how long [s]hes waited for [s]he wanted more. or whatever. u know. ps im also scared/resentful of going the gender clinic again cause they were fucking evil to me last time and theyre kinda evil in general and ohhhh i dont want 2 be involved with u people i do NOT want 2 be associated with. anything. but by god. i want 2 feel free. whys everything so stupid and weird whys everything such a big deal. i love 2 b dramatic about shit that does not even matter to most ppl i love to have a 7-year crisis just for the hell of it <3 someone just fucking knock me out and give me surgery dont even bother waiting for me to give the ok just do it im tired im tired im tired i feel like im always fighting but i dont even know what im fighting or why. sorry <3 i have 2 get this shit out sometimes <3 there are poisons in my brain i think. and i would never punish anyone to live like this it is your choice alone i would never punish anyone to live like this it is your choice alone i would never punish anyone to live like this it is your choice alone. whatever. 🫠

[rubalotl]

An annoying thing happened, I'm gonna talk about it.

That person I talked to on Sunday called me today to ask some additional questions. And for the record, out of all the mental-health-related professionals I've talked to, she has come across as the most non-understanding person. But she didn't say anything atrocious, the weirdest thing she said was to insinuate that I choose to let my anxiety control me when I stay up late at night because of anxiety... ??ok??? But whatever, I just thought maybe she didn't mean it like that.

Well anyway, she called again today and it's so clear she knows nothing about trans stuff other than the bare minimum. Like, if we're talking about gender dysphoria you obviously want to be the other binary gender, right. Which... no. So I tried to clumsily explain non-binary to her, which I'm awful at because I hate talking loud about this topic (this is like the 3rd person I've talked to about it) and so I have no damn practice in explaining it in words. And once again I'm put into this god-awful awkward situation of explaining this to a disinterested cis-person that will probably for sure think I'm insane after we hang up.

And she responds with stuff like "well, I've always considered myself more masculine too, are you sure this requires some kind of intervention?" and "Why not just be that (nonbinary) then?" ...as if it's SUPER EASY to feel valid in a world that does not acknowledge the existence of non-binary genders. As if I can just tell anyone that "I'm non-binary" and they'll be like "Oh ok :)" AS IF I CAN JUST DO THAT. Yeah, just be nonbinary fivehead.

Or as if it's not a problem at all to talk about medical issues relating to this kind of body because medical professionals are just as ignorant, because I sure can't right now (and I do have... problems). I already refuse to do pap tests, which is a common procedure in Sweden. But I cancel the appointments immediately and throw away the summon notice right away so I don't have to think about it because it gives me such intense anxiety.

And finding a social role has been... impossible, so far. Being put in traditionally feminine tasks tears on my psyche constantly and I'm too weak to be very useful for manual labor, compared to those stronger than me, my contribution is nothing.

Yeah so.. never mind all these practical issues I have in everyday life because of this ig, because uh... *checks notes* this 50+ year old lady that knows nothing about trans issues feel a bit masculine sometimes.

[sleeping-satan]

So in high school I was into centrism as a trans person in an extremely Christian town. This included "I can be friends with people who disagree with me!"

My best friend became an atypical evangelical if I'm going to try and put a decent fitting label. We genuinely cared about each other and liked talking to each other. He tried to convince me to stop being trans, and I didn't want to be trans at the start of our friendship, but didn't see much other option since my gender dysphoria was self injury and daily suicidal thoughts bad. I was a transmedicalist at the time to name the obvious.

He couldn't manage to convince me as the most memorable "argument" was "what are the advantages to being transgender?" Like I was making a buisness decision.

Eventually I get feelings for him, which I was surprised about because I thought I was only attracted to women. I tell him because it's fucking obvious when I'm attracted to someone and even if I knew there was no chance in hell he felt the same, at least I said it. This freaks him out a bit too much, and with me starting testosterone, he decided to break off the friendship. It wasn't directly after stating my feelings mind you, it was a while, too long for me to connect the two.

He then started to be transphobic to me at school and the school of course didn't do anything. Like, he built a reputation to all other trans people as the one to stay away from at that point.

If you're thinking "damn op was a fucking idiot" then yes I was and probably still am.

I'm incredibly hurt but by this point I'm socially transitioned and what I felt about this was still better than my dysphoria and hell I experienced only a few years ago. So while there are some bumps I make it through senior year with college acceptance.

-Three Years Pass-

I'm at my little sister's high school graduation. I think "hey the transphobe might be here because he has a little sister in the same grade as mine" and what do you know, he was there.

I'm talking to my family and my moms like "hey, your old asshole friend is staring at you" so I go up to him to say hi.

Listen, I know that anyone reading this is probably screaming in frustration. But I genuinely missed him. His personality is something you don't come by often and we're able to talk for hours or just sit in silence.

We talked a bit and I learned that he missed me too. He apologized, which is something he rarely does because he likes to look as heartless as he can. I made sure we had the right phone numbers and that he was no longer blocked and we start talking again.

So it's been a year and it's the one of the weirdest friendship dynamics you'll ever fucking see. By my standards he's still homophobic and transphobic. Due to the previous friendship break off I went full leftist because I learned that cis people will be transphobic no matter what you do. By his standards I'm still a heretic and keep getting worse.

We try to get each other's nerves but if either of us truly crosses the line then it's addressed and never happens again. I'm patient with him on more sensitive topics because I know at the end of the day, even though he likes to pretend he's evil, he cares about others. For him it's that he sees me as family and family is incredibly important to him.

I wouldn't recommend trying this to anyone else. There's a good reason why this rarely exists as I explained above. I'm glad to have it though.

[zandra-lang-cave]

Welcome to Wednesday/Thursdays of random thoughts.

Also, know as my tired overnight brain gets to weird places.

Today's thoughts are. things that give me and other people gender/body euphoria.

It's relatively easy to know when something doesn't feel right in your body or the way we express ourselves, aka dysphoria. But sometimes people get gender/body euphoria, basically the opposite of dysphoria, it's hard to explain but for me there are certain things I wear, say or do to express myself that just feels right.

To give some context and avoid misunderstanding, Im not trans but I use they/she pronouns, I don't consider my self any were ouside of the gender binary (though peole might disagree where my placement should be) i just like being called they every once in a while, mostly online. I'm a lady and use she/her IRL all the time for 2 reasons.

1 I haven't even bother to tell people i like to use they/them, just thhinking in having to explaining it gives me a migraine, it's easier to just use she/her and it doesn't bother me most of the time. And 2 my native language is Spanish and is one of the hardest languages to use any sort of neutral pronouns, most words are gendered so there are not many chances in my life for people to call me any sort of neutral term, again it doesn't bother me most of the time.

With that explain there are certain things I do/wear/say that gives me gender/body euphoria, most are just sutil stuff but they fill me with such joy that no one but me can understand completely.

My family nicknames are "pumpking" and "chele," and they both give me euphoria.

Pumpkin is an inside family joke base on the fact I don't like anything Pumpkin flavor, mostly my sisters and nices/nephews use this, and I love it when they call me that instead of my name or any other gender word like aunt or sister. Can I explain why? Not really. I just think it fills me with more joy than it's probably normal.

"Chele" Is a word we use in my home country to call white skin people since they are relatively rare. This one is use mostly by my parents and I can actually explain why it gives me euphoria, it's one of the few terms in my native language that is gender neutral and it feels great when they use it, it feels gender validating without being cultural exclusive. That is something I can feel rarely since I am basically still in the closet gender identity wise.

I preferred "Masculine" clothes/colors/activities to the point one of my sisters asked me if I wanted to be a boy. The answer is a very hard NO. I like being a lady, and the idea of being a man just doesn't feel right to me.

But I tend to like more "masculine" clothes like pants, shorts and long t-shirts, the few "feminine" clothes I wear are either "masculine" colors or neutral colors (that my sisters insist are still masculine). One vivid memory I have is of my sister asking why I want a blue pencil case instead of the pink one, I say I just like blue better but she say it was a boy color so she bought the pink one. I didn't Really care about the color, I just didn't wanted to look at an eye-bleeding shiny pink all day, I would have like it if it was a soft pink instead of a neon one.

I love boxing as an exercise (Don't care for it has a sport), and everyone thinks it is way too masculine, but for me, it makes me feel like a powerful queen. Don't know why, but it just feels validating. Even if everyone else thinks it is just for boys, I rarely feel more women than when I'm exercise boxing.

And last and definitely the weirdest one, I like wearing masks.

My coworkers always ask why i wear them even after they stop being required. I just said it is because I don't want to have to smile to people, half true, but in reality, it just gives me gender euphoria I can't understand. I have even considered wearing them at home, but I do not want to hear all my family's questions. If I do so, that's gonna stay in my head. But if im grocery shopping or at the mall, i will 100% wear a mask.

The best way i can explain it its, I just feel like myself when I wear a mask. It's not like I dislike how i look without them, but something just clicks in my mind, and I just go "this it's right."

That concluded my thoughts on things that give me gender/body euphoria. I don't usually think this hard about my gender identity, i tend to just say "im a woman but i use she/her pronouns", despite the fact I'm aware the answer is more complex than that.

I feel most people focus on the things that make them feel dysphoria rather than what can make them more in tune with the way they feel. especially people like me who don't really have a word that describes what we are. We just feel what we feel and try our best to explain it to everyone else.

I wanna know what other things people find that give them euphoria.

Reblog or comment something that makes you feel like you that you can't explain.

[worldblight]

"[x] is ruining the lgbt community/making us look bad" I mean ima be dead honest. I don't hear conservative politicians bitching and moaning particularly about ftmtf/mtftm people. Or the therian kid who's a dragon/wolf/cat/deer hybrid. Or the kid in ur class with a mogai gender. Or the dude online with emoji/nounself pronouns. Or the dreamgender kids on Twitter and Tiktok. Or the trans people that don't discard their birthnames. Or trans people that decide against medically transitioning. Or the trans people that don't experience body dysphoria.

Like they're not picking apart the "weak spots in the community" and deciding everybody else is chill. Do you think conservatives will look for the weirdest trans people and give the thumbs-up to you because you're "not like other trannies"? Do you think you'll be excused for being more uniform when they come for your brothers and sisters?

They're coming for all of us you dense motherfucker. I'd sooner destransition than allow my siblings to have their rights removed, no matter what gripes I have with them.

I'd fight to protect a lesbian's right to marry even if she was a terf. I'd defend a drag queen's right to crossdress even if she was an actual pedophile. I'd defend Chris Chan's gender identity in a courtroom. I'd defend someone's right to use the men's bathroom even if they didn't actually identify as a male. I'd tear through hell to defend someone's right to abortion, even if they thought something about my identity made me a disgrace to the human race

Fighting for our freedom means including the things and people you distaste, and until you figure that out then you're a fucking idiot

There should be no exceptions to freedom and equality