#it's legit the only thing I've been listening to in the car

[sillimancer]

got caught up on my stinky homework and burned a new cd for my car, yayy

[torialefay]

imma finish some SPICEY TIME listening to yandere stalker ASMr bCOZ I LOV THE IFEA OF SOMEOBE BEING LOWKEY OBSESSRD OVER THIS PUSSAY HAGAGA

gotta get me that hawk tuah energy it's been so long!

who in skz would have that possessive energy and would be borderline obsessed/low key stalker like 'I need to be inside of your pussy and heart' all the time kinda ENERGY???

And LOIKE HOW WOUKD THEY SHOW IT?? *kisses*

OKAY WHAT EVEN IS THAT?!?! pls drop the link bc i am so intrigued.

but for your question, my top 3 possessive/obsessive/stalker skz boyfriends are chris, lee know, and i.n. (also changbin in a way but like in a diff way).

chris: he's legit so lowkey about it you probably won't even know. i've talked ab it before, but he's the type to analyze everything you say & plant little seeds in your head. he's possessive to the point that he's trying to manipulate you into also being obsessed with him. like he will absolutely (veryyyyyy subtly and veryyyyy slowly) try to make you feel like he's the only person you need in your life & that you should depend on him for literally anything you could need. that's not to say he doesn't want you to be independent- he does! but he loves to watch it crumble away for him. pls don't shoot the messenger.

lee know: this man is outright possessive and wants you to know that. he's just blunt about it. like yeah, he wants you all to himself. and what's so wrong with that? you're not gonna do that? kind of vibe. he prob wants to know where you are all the time and it wouldn't surprise me if he demanded you turn your phone location on for him or idk puts a damn tracker on your car or some shit. like he literally has to know or he will go fucking crazy. one thing he WON'T do to you is lis about it. you know he's possessive... but you also know he's got you right where he wabts you :((((

innie: baby bread no more. there's just smth ab i.n. these days that is almost like... cocky in a way? not completely, but he's grown now & he knows that & he knows the power he has now. i feel like he's so the type to want to control you & know where you are, it's not even funny. he's in the middle of chris & lee know on how he expresses it. like he probably won't outright say it, but he's wayyyyy more obvious than chris & wayyyyy less obvious than lee know. i think he'd be pretty vocal though ab things like "i don't really want you to go there" or "why is so-and-so there?". like you know he has a lot of opinions ab what he wants from you, but he tries not to be too mean ab it. he's gonna get upset if you don't follow along with it though 😭😂 and probs will show up wherever you are to check in on you if you dob't respond & he's mad 🙃

*bonus*: baby changbin. he's more posessive in like a protective way. he loves and trusts YOU, just not everyone else 😂 so he's probably gonna have your location & shit so that he can come to you when you need it.

[descendant-of-truth]

Okay I know this is technically an act, but. I do feel like there's something to be said about how Dark Rockman's idea of friendship is to be so completely subservient to what Netto wants that he neglects to inform him of things that would be helpful to the situation

And yeah, the goal is to get himself arrested, so naturally he causes as much property damage as physically possible under the guise of helping Netto, but like... he doesn't need to do that. He doesn't need to act friendly for his "oh no I've suddenly got a major defect" shtick to work.

You could argue that he wanted it to be as convincing as possible to cause Netto maximum emotional damage, and I'm inclined to say that's part of it, but... he says that his and Rockman's views on friendship are opposites. implying that he does have opinions on the matter, and that his earlier behaviors were based on it.

So, I think it's possible that when he was playing innocent by acting like a friend to Netto, he wasn't. necessarily trying to come across as super eerie??

I mean, think about his plan for a minute. this whole thing banks on him playing the role of Friend well enough for Netto to buy into the idea of a mercy kill - because surely he'd listen more if it really felt like the request was coming from Rockman himself, right? If he acted completely crazy, would Netto even consider that this is something he truly wants?

This guy legit thinks that the only suspicious part of his behavior has been the Literal Crimes he's committed, and that "how could I go against what Netto-kun wants to do" is a normal thing for Rockman to say. Y'know, the guy who's constantly scolding Netto for being irresponsible? That Rockman?? He missed the mark so badly it's almost funny

But it makes sense when you consider that he's probably working under the perspective that Rockman's a "good navi" first and foremost. Netnavis are meant to be helpful programs by design, and a program made to serve doesn't usually ask questions or disobey orders. They just take the most efficient route to complete a task, and even though he deliberately took it too far, everything he did was ultimately for the sake of that efficiency.

Netto wants to get to school faster? Make all the lights green, who cares about the other cars. He needs money for food? Well, there's a bank right there, those have money in them. As illegal and dangerous as his tactics were, you can see how it's something a navi might think to do.

The real Rockman is very good at being a navi, of course. He's polite, patient, always has helpful information to give at the drop of a hat. but Dark Rockman makes you realize just how much more unsettling he would be if he leaned into it too much, and stopped treating himself and Netto like equals.

To summarize - a good navi is different from a good friend, and I love how Dark Rockman exposes the delicate balance that Rockman has to keep up in being both

[serpentmessmer]

tag game!!

tagged by my darling @pregnancykink

Do you make your bed? i'll at least straighten it out, in large part because my cat loves sleeping on the bed and she prefers when it's made

What's your favorite number? multiples of 5 always make my brain go brrrr but also for some reason i really like the number 37

What is your job? i hang out with animals

If you could go back to school, would you? like college yeah maybe if i could afford it without it being a financial stressor sort of thing lmfao

Can you parallel park? yuuuup, i don't have to do it very often but i can absolutely do it

A job you had that would surprise people? i legit worked at a mine, doing gold mining stuff (preparing/photoing core samples, printing sample bags, weeding the core warehouse)

Do you think aliens are real? oh absolutely. with the size of the universe being what it is, there is no doubt in my mind that there are living beings elsewhere

Can you drive a manual car? yeeeeee, i've got a little '81 toyota sr5

What's your guilty pleasure? as prev said, i do not feel guilty about pleasure

Tattoos? i've got 10 i love getting tattooed

Favorite color? greens, but specifically very yellow-grey leaning greens, i like the swampy dusty colors

Favorite type of music? see, the thing is i kinda listen to everything/i don't really delineate by genre??? and my favorite changes by season because i'm really out here going based on the vibes. recently it's been a lot of the pop-punk i listened to in high school tho so like mid-late '00s pop punk but i listen to a lot of metal and ambient and pop and hip hop, it's more "does it fuck?"

Do you like puzzles? i do, and like p much all of them i love games that are really puzzle based especially

Any phobias? yea for sure but i'm not going to list them here though where somebody can use them against me lol (spike im just keeping ur answer bc same)

Favorite childhood sport? i am deeply uncoordinated and unathletic and well i ended up playing golf in high school and that's about it. i was less a sports kid and more a going outside and being a gross menace kid

Do you talk to yourself? oh absolutely, on the regular

What movies do you adore? the way my brain screams ANNIHILATION every time this movie comes up lmfao, but some others are mandy, dinner in america, the mummy, the second lotr specifically, and jesus christ superstar which i do rewatch at least once every year. i like movies they're fun

Coffee or tea? generally more tea but that's because most roasts of coffee give me hellish stomach cramps and not a lot of places have white coffee which is the only one that consistently doesn't fuck my guts up something fierce

First thing you wanted to be when you grew up? a vet, but i am not mentally/emotionally strong enough for that and i am not nearly good enough at math to do all the sciences required lmfao ive just always really loved animals

for tagging i'll hit @rmilkies @wetusb @kennyyomega @ashes-acedia and @saltbind

[bellarkeandclintashaandsuch]

Laws of Attraction - Ep. 1

My reaction to the opening scene: Oh, look at him go. Using a little drawing to show that her eyesight isn't very good, so maybe her testimony isn't reliable, and even... her glasses... don't help her...? Oh, I see. He's a bad man.

I remembered from the trailer Tin talking about his sister (niece?), so I knew she was going to die. But even so, watching, I was like, she's only a child. And they already lost their parents (or one of them lost parents? It was hard to follow the relationships with the subtitles). They wouldn't be so cruel, right? Wrong.

I'm very intrigued to see if there's actually more to the death of Ton Khaw. I mean, it seems straightforward (and brutal). But why won't the dad let his son talk to Chan? Chan's already doing dubious things to help his son, so what can be worse than killing a child that he doesn't want his son talking about?

That car did not slow down and was directly behind her. So it's not like he wouldn't have seen her. But why deliberately kill a kid? Unless he's like a serial killer. But not a very good one if he wants to keep killing. He didn't do a hit-and-run, which I was surprised about. I just don't know!

Also, the audacity of Chan to keep flirting with Tin outside his home. And then saying he'd like to pay him back for saving him by showing him his business card. Of, course he would think you're there to offer to be his lawyer! "Oh, no, I actually want to give you hush money. 😇"

And then he kept flirting with him when Tin went to confront Chan after his dirty tricks with the deposits to Tin's account.

I don't actually think that Chan will do anything to drunk, unconscious Tin, but it would be interesting to see how Tin would have to grapple with his growing attraction to someone who could do something terrible like that to him. But I don't think it will, which is for the best, because there's already a lot to overcome here with Chan helping Tin's niece's (sister's?) murderer.

Last Thoughts/Questions:

What is Tanthai's dad hiding?

What's going on with Methee? His face was making a lot of expressions that confused me.

I do hope Chan continues to aggressively flirt with Tin

I wonder what happened to make Chan so jaded

What's Chan's relationship and/or past with his business partner?

If the "situation" isn't like what Chan thinks, why doesn't Tanthai tell him what it's really like?

Love a man who loves a bubble bath

Loved Chan going, you're even hotter when you're angry. I'd say, can't read a room to save his life, but I guess it's on purpose as part of his smarmy charm

Chan's smile after the first time he meets Tin, and Tin leaves abruptly, was legit terrifying. I was like, Tin, you will regret not giving that man your number but not for the reason you think

On that note, poor Tin looked happy when Chan showed up. The cute guy he didn't get the number of showed up when he's just been through so much pain. It must've felt like finally something maybe good was going to happen again. And then it was just a slap in the face.

Do all Thai police wear their uniforms so tight? The man giving Tin no answers was rivaling M in Manner of Death. Maybe all police do this, and I've just not noticed.

What was this whole thing? Chan's just dramatically looking out the window listening to the news on TV instead of watching:l

[what-gs-watching]

"One fabulous kiss and we're good. I have a plan."

So far this week I've cleaned out all of the cabinets in my kitchen and our master bathroom, did some sadness shopping, attempted to clean out my car, and packed up my stupid fucking laptop. So. I guess it's time to get back to Good Omens (even though I've been playing Supernatural in the background just to have something...we'll get into that entire situation eventually).

Right, episode 3. Wherein we get more adorable interactions, a yellow Bentley, an absolutely clueless angel, more meddling, and laudanum. I love this one, if only for laudanum!Crowley. And the look on Crowley's face during the awning of a new age...but we're getting ahead of ourselves.

At the shop, Aziraphale is listening to the Buddy Holly record when he gets a knock at the door, opening it to a person appearing to be a police officer, but dressed completely in white. The 'police officer' tells him that because they are a police officer, they can monitor him without raising suspicion and Az is already on the uptake it appears, so when they ask if they can come in because it's loud outside and they can't hear anything, he lets them in. 

The entire scene with this 'police officer' is hilarious, Az offers a cup of tea and says that a human police officer would definitely accept it. Crowley shows up with a box of his plants that he's pulled from the Bentley asking why Aziraphale can't go by train, "you LOVE trains" he says, and then he just exclaims "who's THIS now" but he quickly figures it out as well. The two of them are so sweet about it, even if they're highly amused. Crowley sits on the arm of Aziraphale's chair (again, swoon, it's so natural) and the laugh he emits is so sweet, and they both just make little moon faces at the angel that's shown up before excusing themselves to another room. 

Aziraphale thinks this angel is going to figure out quickly that the lie he told about their extremely powerful miracle is untrue, and Crowley says they just need to get Nina and Maggie to have "one fabulous kiss" and they're done. 

The angel bursts in to interrupt them of course and Crowley asks if they're interested in humans being in love, especially Nina and Maggie over the road. The whole point of this interaction is that Crowley says that you can only tell if they're in love by waiting a few days because humans are weird and that's how it works (ya know, to buy them some time), and then he announces "don't hesitate to ask me if you have any other questions about love" and y'all. Aziraphale's reaction. Like, baby girl, you are thirsty. You legit looked him up and down and stuck out your lip and you did not look away. I see you.

Anyway, Aziraphale takes the Bentley and he heads off to Edinburgh to investigate his Clue, leaving poor Crowley behind. 

We're then flashed-back to an entry in Az's diary from 1827, wherein he and Crowley were in Edinburgh doing this and that. Crowley took Az to a statue he's found of Gabriel in a graveyard. They stumble upon a young girl trying to steal a fresh body from a grave, and Crowley puts on a hilarious Scottish accent, and offers to help her in her endeavor. Aziraphale is shocked by this of course, and he wants to stop her so he trails behind them whining about how wicked her actions are. 

They find out that she's doing it because she's living on the street with another woman, but Az still isn't moved. He says that people have opportunities to prove how good they are by resisting the temptation to do wicked things, and poor people have even more opportunities to do so. Crowley of course knows this is ridiculous, but black-and-white Aziraphale just says it's "ineffable". 

Back in the present, Az is bonding with the Bentley, talking to it about how they've come to an understanding. He's very proud of himself until Crowley comes blaring through the speakers to tell him he can feel when he drives the Bentley under the speed limit. He tells him to speed up, so he tries, but Az says it seems the car doesn't want to, and he grabs himself a little treat from the dash. Crowley is incensed, asking "was that a travel sweet?" This man knows what's going on, he can feel Az has done something to the car. And he has of course, the Bentley is now a beautiful shade of yellow (it's his favorite color because of, possibly, a certain demon's eyes?) but Crowley isn't having it. He says it must be changed back and Az whines "but it's pretty" so Crowley resorts to threatening to sell some books if he doesn't, these two know how to push each other's buttons clearly. 

Meanwhile in 1827, Aziraphale and Crowley follow the grave robber Elsbeth to her destination and clueless little Az is determined to ruin her mission. They're introduced to MISTER (he's a surgeon, not a doctor) Dalrymple and when they're let inside Az does a little miracle to ruin the corpse and he's so proud of himself. Elsbeth runs off because she can't get paid but Az wants to stop both supply and demand so Crowley stops time to convince the surgeon to let them stay and talk about his work. (The surgeon has started calling the angel and the demon 'doctor' which I love, so many Who easter eggs.)

However, it doesn't go to Aziraphale's plan - he learns that Dalrymple is just trying to save lives, he needs corpses to do so, he needs them to teach and to learn. He shows them a tumor he pulled from a 7 year old boy and Az is devastated to learn the boy died, he clutches the specimen to his chest, and things are shades of grey baby boy, not the perfect black and white you cling to. So he changes his mind and decides Elsbeth's actions are holy after all, and offers to help. Because now it's somehow good. 

Coming back to present-day Edinburgh, Az rolls up to the pub with the haunted jukebox and he's wearing a cute little getup, he's so pleased with himself. Boy is cosplaying at being a reporter and he thinks it's a fun little jaunt. He learns from the owner that Gabriel definitely had been there about a year ago, and that he was with someone else. He's giddy. I really feel the need to point out that Aziraphale is still under the impression that he's investigating a cute little mystery and there isn't really anything on the line at all. Which is honestly insanity. 

In the 1800's Crowley and Az go back and gather up Elsbeth's friend Wee Morag and off they go back to the graveyard, but things go wrong. A grave gun gets tripped and Wee Morag is shot, and they try to get the girl to safety in a nearby tomb, but she dies. And Elsbeth decides to just sell her body to get the money she desperately needs, that's what she'd want. 

She goes back and delivers the body, and gets less money than she'd expect, and she's angry. So she sees some laudanum on the counter and she nicks it, and then goes off to buy some wine to toast her friend. Crowley and Az show up back at the tomb to join her, and things start to go off the rails. 

They both see the laudanum of course, and as she's explaining that she's going to drink the wine and then the laudanum so she can join her friend in the afterlife, Crowley grabs it and downs it. She's horrified, says he's going to die and Crowley exclaims "constitution of an ox" (oh really? An ox? Didn't we just see Aziraphale devour an ox......)

I can't decide what my favorite part of laudanum!Crowley is. He starts rambling about no more dying, "No dying! no more dying! it's just....wrong!" He sings the Scottish national anthem(?). He makes goat noises (all the Job references), he unexpectedly shrinks. I love him yelling "I'm small aren't I?" and the faces and the growling and the dance he does to return himself to a normal size, but just kidding, not a normal size, he bursts through the ceiling of the tomb. 

He tells Elsbeth "you've sinned very bigly!" (and I'm totally going to use that) he says "Trying to kill yourself...I mean....it's NOT ON!" He asks the angel how much money he's got - 90 guineas. He tells Elsbeth she can atone by taking the money, buying a farm, and being good, properly good ("gi'er the money, angel!") And so, she promises she will and runs off. 

Afterward Crowley yells "Laudanum, oooh wee! Last time I do that!" and he stumbles around and he's afraid he's lost Aziraphale who snakes an arm around his waist and tells him he did a really good thing. Which he denies, of course. He was off his head on laudanum, not responsible for his actions. But Aziraphale is worried that hell must have noticed, and Crowley says if they had he'd already be....and then he's sucked down, and away. In his diary, Az says he doesn't see Crowley for a long time after that. 

(And if we think about the timeline, we know that in the 1860's Crowley appears again, and he's now asking for holy water. What happened to that poor baby?)

Meanwhile, Aziraphale calls the bookshop after he finds himself staring at Gabriel's Edinburgh statue to catch Crowley up, who answers the phone by saying "Fell's bookshop - we probably don't have what you want, and we wouldn't sell it to you if we did" because he's very good at protecting his angel's interests. More swooning. Az is excited because Gabriel was with someone, but they're not really listening to each other as usual and Crowley hangs up because he sees an opportunity to enact his Nina/Maggie plan. 

Which doesn't work, of course. He gets the rain going, he gets them under the awning, and they are having a heart to heart. Crowley's smile watching the two of them is so pure, he's convinced this is all it's going to take but shit does not work like that, he and Aziraphale are so dense, and instead of vavooming, the awning breaks and the girls get drenched. 

And then Shax shows up. Crowley goes outside to find out what she wants and she insists that Beelzebub knows that Aziraphale is hiding Gabriel in the bookshop. He insists that he isn't, and we learn that Shax can't cross the bookshop's threshold and Crowley tries to keep his cool, but Shax says that hell is going to declare war - not on him, mind, but on Aziraphale. 

Ya boy is once again in panic mode, he flys at Gabriel and starts threatening him over harm coming to Aziraphale but then he deflates just as quickly, saying "It doesn't matter. It's too late for that now, isn't it? It's always too late."

Y'all. Crowley knows they're living in an extremely dangerous situation and Aziraphale is just off dressing up and having fun and enjoying himself. I understand wanting to protect Az however possible, I do, but he's just making it worse. They're both just making it worse...

[hoeforhao]

Rant under the cut, do not open if you are triggered easily

No why do people fuckin think that just because we behave good with them, they've the goddamn right to speak on our actions or how we are doing things! LIKE JUST BECAUSE YOU HELPED ME WHILE I WAS IN THE ICU, AS A TOKEN OF THE COURTESY MY MOM HAS TAUGHT ME, I BEHAVE WELL WITH YOU, when you're of no fucking meaning to me. You are my dad's wife and stay at your fuckin place woman. You've been living in the villages since the very beginning and so you might be fuckin accustomed with the nasty shenanigans of public transport! MY MOM HAS ALWAYS TREATED ME WITH UTMOST CARE AND I'VE ONLY TRAVELLED IN MY OWN CAR TILL NOW, so yeah I might be new to all these dirty men, but THAT FUCKIN DOESN'T MEAN YOU GET TO SAY WHATEVER THE FUCK YOU WANT ON MY WAY OF ACTIONS, OR INTERFERE YOUR UGLY NOSE INTO THE THINGS I SHARE WITH MY DAD OR MY GRANDPARENTS. They're blood related to me, but you effin aren't. So stay in your own goddamn place woman!!!!!

This is why you should treat people likely ad they deserve to be treated. I was already crying internally after being sort of molested in the public transport, there times in a row this week, and she had to fuckin top it off with her witchy words. I'm legit listening to hug and controlling myself from crying!

[fangirling-throughlife]

I don't know if I've ever mentioned anything about this, but here it goes.

2 years and almost 2 months ago, a dear friend from my high school days passed away at 29. He was the pianist in my first ever legit piano trio in the conservatory. He was in uni while the other two of us were still in high school. We were the weirdest ever group. He was older, so he had a car and went to concerts, and he could play a great Beethoven and then a mainstream pop song. I was getting out there after my grandmother passed away and my mum (who's not a musician) encouraged me to listen to pop music kids my age enjoyed, and even arranged for me to go to meet the boyband I got into. I had modern interests like Eurovision with very specific people, one of them being the pianist in our group. The violinist had a very strict teacher, and strict parents, so she was less into mainstream and focused on classical music, but she inevitably got carried away by the two of us. Pair that with a teacher who just enjoyed that we were creative and proactive, and had very good chemistry, and we had a blast for a good year.

In 2018, our pianist called us to play at his aunt's wedding. One of the songs we played was Taylor Swift, because he was a massive fan. By that time, I liked Taylor, I knew all of her most famous songs, and I'd just spent months singing "Look what you made me do" (I had my reasons that aren't relevant here). He picked me up at home, and we spent the full ride talking about how talented she is, and what our favourite songs of hers were.

The only thing I can remember playing at the funeral is "august". And the only reason I remember it, is because someone in his family (cannot remember who) said that he loved Taylor so much (as if I didn't know that before) and that he adored that song, and that it would fit in a service. I also remember because I've been unable to listen to it for 2 years, because I start crying as my mind takes me back there.

Since then, all of the major release dates have been bittersweet for me. I think that, with the re-recordings, I figured he was just missing the new versions, and a couple of songs that matched the vibe. I really struggled the week Midnights was released, though, and I still think how fucking unfair it is that there's a whole album he'll never hear. But for some reason, 1989 hurt just as much. I'm not sure if it was because I was very obsessed with Wildest Dreams when we had that fangirling moment, but the moment it started playing, I lost it. And since I was already losing it, when the From the Vault songs started, there was no going back anymore.

As corny as it sounds, this is one of the cases where I really really hope there's a heaven where they can see and hear us, because it destroys my soul to think that the guy who made a "Love Story" arrangement to play because he knew the song so well that he found every single mistake in any online version, is missing all of this.

[mortuaest]

Large rant, sorry. Please ignore if any of the trigger warnings are going to be an issue. I need to get it off of my chest because if I rant on FB I get hit with a character limit and I should make a personal Tumblr which I think I have but dont remember shit about.

Ive been having severe, and I mean severe as fuck mental and emotional breakdowns because of the fact that its literally been almost a year (Its going to be a year October 29th) since I've had to put down Ice Cube, my ESA of 14.5 years. He had cancer in his cheek and it was placed right to where it would effect his quality of life severely negatively if we tried to surgically take it out, and he would possibly die on the table if we did it because of his age, and he was declining (He wasn't eating, he was drinking, he really wasnt eating as much as I wanted him to, he was spitting back up the pills I was giving him, he was suffering) and my mental and emotional health has been severely suffering each and every day that passes without him.

I have another cat, I got him in April, thinking I was alright. Which I was I guess. Im being reminded via FB memories and just my own fucked up brain wanting me to join him to where I'm legit giving myself until December 31st, 2023 to have someone. Anyone give me a fucking sigh to keep on living. Im going to be going through a program my friend suggested to make a will, making her I forgot the words she used but shes going to make sure that my will is listened to and Albert Whisker, the cat I have now is taken care of.

I cant keep on living, and the fact that this heartbreak is fucking me up so badly to the point where the large baggie of medications (ranging from insomnia medications to Very STRONG painkillers and such, as well as my daily medications the day of me going to attempt) is very tempting to take now. And I mean very tempting. Meaning I almost took it yesterday, after my first mental break and me physically hurting myself by slamming a brush ungodly hard into my head because I legit believe I deserve everything that has happened to me (The physical, emotional and mental abuse that I got for 20 some odd years from my mother, the severe car accident from last year, the rapes, everything. My friends being murdered or dying around me, loosing the only thing that even brought light to my life).

No one in my life cares. No one seems to care. Ive been severely struggling and each time IVe even bothered to reach out for help via friends. Since my father hates me for being trans and my sister doesnt give a fuck to even bother to help me. My mother was the cause of my two rapes/sexual assaults in my life and wants me dead because Im autistic. No one wants to help, or no one seems interested in even keeping me around.

Cosplay isnt helping. Video games aren't either. I havent felt any happiness since last year. I could deal with this if he was still alive. But at the same time Im lying to myself, I havent known what made me happy other than my past cat Ice Cube. I stayed for him since I love him. I had him since he was five weeks old. We bonded. Its not the case with Albert and I feel he loves me but we dont have the connection and never will.

Im never going to feel anything other than severe misery and depression. At least, that's what I 100% believe.

TLDR: Im severely struggling and dont know what to do anymore. I dont trust my new therapist even though she has stated more than once and my friend who also goes to her has stated more than once she wont send me to inpatient or CPAP and she tries to avoid hospitalization if we can. But because of multiple decades of PTSD, abuse, and being denied the proper treatment, help, support from friends and family that I should of gotten Im at the point where Im giving myself until December 31st to find a reason to stay alive and if I dont then Im letting my queue run out.

[orcelito]

Ok so. GREAT fun. I haven't listened to the new grandson album as much as I was meaning to (life has been in the way & iamx has had a chokehold on me recently), BUT I recognized them enough for those songs to still be fun. And!!!! He played plenty of older shit, and I had a Blast

My camera didn't wanna fuckin take good pictures lmfao but these r the best ones I got

I was trying to not spend too much of the concert filming (I've been guilty of that before), so I have only 2 videos. One for Dirty and one for Blood//Water (which was the closing song), bc those r both Great. I had SO much fun belting out We Did It tho, practically Yelling it. More fun there than trying to film lmao.

And then there was the song Heather. I didn't know if he'd play it bc it's such a raw song, but he did. Got down onto the floor (so i couldn't see him bc im short lol but that was ok), had us turn our phone flashlights on. & he just sang. A calmer moment. & see the thing is, I've legit cried to that song before. In the car before I knew I'd have to put Cassy down, this album was playing. And that song just... got to me. So hearing it again, experiencing that moment, I'm ngl I cried at the same damn part. Just some little tears, nothing too serious, but still. Got some Emotions from it man... I didn't take any pics during this part bc I was just living in the moment entirely. And I think that's just fine. Sometimes things are better left that way.

Other highlights include Oh No and Stigmata and Stick Up, all of which were Lots of fun to jump around too. EXCEPT I COULDNT JUMP TOO MUCH bc I had water cans in my pockets hfkshfkdhd which was worth it to not have my hands occupied but it did limit me. Yes i did splash myself a few times. I kept it relatively under control so it was fiiiine.

All in all, Lots of fun. I don't go to concerts very much, since I'm not typically the type that likes crowds, but once in a while for artists I care about... yeah ❤

[indigo-rants]

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

So my papa (grandpa) is doing alright, the hospital staff are hopeful. He's doing great, I sent him a voice-mail since I couldn't seem to reach him before, he apparently heard it today (good) and was happy to hear from me I guess...

My grandmother was the only person I was able to reach today. Tried calling her to reach papa but she wasn't with him. Convo started off fine with her explaining papa's condition, then devolved as she started asking me about how I've been, like if I'm working and/or still living with my mother (I can't live on my own due to my physical and mental health). I explain I don't work nor will I ever be able to (a fact we've all known since I was like 12) and she starts saying "oh things really have changed since we last talked" or something like that.

Apparently!! I'm not "allowed" to be incapable of working as an adult with scoliosis cause... well she didn't really give a reason except that I'd been "better in the past" which... last time we talked? I was in college. I'm a college drop out, that was my one and only year.

She then immediately segwayd into talking about my mom and how she's "caused the divide between all of us" (her, me, my dad/her son, and anyone else in the family she feels like counting). She talked about how my mom has "brainwashed me" into believing they're terrible people and how she's always been a liar and that she only ever wants money from them and how she still remembers the one, count it ONE, time mom asked her for money and how "she knows it was going to be used on her" (mom asked for her credit card/debit card info ONCE cause we needed help getting a hotel set up, she wouldn't have had to pay the hotel just wanted an active card number and name for the hotel room, mom was planning to pay in cash when we got there, also the hotel stay was due to me having surgery 3 days after we'd get there). It's been legit 10 years since the card info issue... TEN YEARS and this woman is throwing it at us like some gotcha.

She also started all the dissing my mom stuff with a "I don't have time for you guys, I have a husband in the hospital I need to take care of" and its like... okay, that's why I've been calling you? To see how he's doing... why bring up petty shit that 1. Doesn't matter and 2. Is just you listening to your shit ass son instead of the people who LIVED THEIR LIVES ALONE DOING ALL THAT. Like she believes her shitty son who shmooses everyone to get money, attention, free shit (houses, cars, jobs he doesn't deserve, got her to help him drop all the child support he owed/over owed).

Like Jesus christ she really does just want to see the worst in us instead of herself or her "precious son" (the man is in his forties).

Shes holding onto the fact mom asked money from her ONCE against us and swears last time we spoke I "called her every bad name in the book" (to note, last time we talked she bad mouthed my mother and I cried and broke down instantly due to the amount of hate for my MOTHER the parent who has cared for me SINCE BIRTH and the fact I was very unwell mentally, I barely would've managed to say "fuck you" or "shut up" much less any actual rude words directed at her person). She's so convinced that my disposition with her is due to my mom when mom is the only reason they've had ANY contact with me, from being able to send me letters, to the fact papa has the ability to "text me" anytime (he has mom's number not mine, but any and every text he sends she shows me).

Also after our little chat (which was maybe 10 minutes mind you) my mom called my birth father. According to her he believes she "coaches me into being disabled" like they apparently believe I'm only this disabled cause she taught me to be??? I was born with scoliosis, have had it my ENTIRE life, I also have a bone degenerative disease (osteoporosis kinda, but mom says she doesn't know if it's that one or a diff one), my bones are literally falling apart slowly. I reached a height of 5'6" and am now 5'3.5" which happened in the span of roughly 10 years (I reached 5'6 after my final back surgery in 2014 and was 5'5 for a while, like til roughly 2021 then I got to the 5'4.5" range til this year being 5'3.5") and yeah that's roughly 3 inches lost.... but it's still slightly concerning. The thing is, they don't know this (assumingly) cause we haven't seen each other since I was 13 or below (13 for father and... well lemme think...I think I was about 12? I can't be too sure, but I know I wasn't a teen)

Also just for the record my birth father in 2013/2014 when I was that age (born 2000) was upset with me for choosing to stay home and go to summer school (he lived across the US from us, we had to drive half way to meet up at this time) and he was so upset with me standing with my decision to spend my first summer away from them (him, step siblings, half sister, and step mom) that he pretended the stress my mom and I were causing him caused him to have a heart attack that put him in the ER (for months he'd talk on the phone with us as if he were weakened from it and was actually in pain). Before you ask, we found out in 2020 that he'd been lying from step mom (well technically ex step mom, they separated in like 2015/2016 so yeah) she was confused when mom mentioned the heart attack and told her "no he didn't have anything going on then" he told his ex wife and 14ish yr old child that WE had caused him to have a heart attack that caused him to be in the hospital's care for a while (currently my memory of that year is rather blank, which is "fun"). And then later on when we were in and out the hospital discussing another scoliosis surgery (the final one) we had called him every appointment, he discussed what was happening with the doctors DIRECTLY, but told his mother when asked "I don't know what she's talking about, I haven't been told about any surgeries".

And they wonder why I haven't talked with or visited either of them in 10 years....

[foxgloveinspace]

pasted from my notes app:

okay i am compiling all my thoughts in a note as i watch lmao

1. love the dog. he’s adorable

2. journey!!!! separate ways- what a good fuckin song

3. now eurythmics?! this movie has a killer soundtrack. i did a jazz routine to sweet dreams once upon a time. it was so fun lol

4. the weird white robot-y ladies are giving me hardcore like, austin powers vibes lmao

5. hahahaaaaa mr orange guy… i like his helmet

6. oooooh there’s multiple orange guys. they both have cool masks/helmets. something about being unable to see the face and yet totally understand the emotion fuuuuuucks me up

7. omg this is going to get long i’m so sorry i’m like a quarter through the movie 😅

8. very good fight scene choreo, that always makes or breaks a show for me. poor choreo is painful to watch, but this is good! i like

9. umm. I’m guessing dad is the bad guy. he’s kinda shady lmao (oooooooh it’s a dad clone. love clones. they always throw wrenches in plans)

10. lmaoooooo dad so disappointed sam only has a dog and no gf 😭

11. haha is that a daft punk cameo? not my cup of tea in terms of music but that’s pretty neat

12. OH MY GOD MICHAEL SHEEN I LOVE HIM. he plays the most insane characters- and also the sweetest (aziraphale in good omens 🥺)

13. okay ngl i keep hearing “rinzler” and thinking of the rizzler and i can’t stop laughing about it 😂

14. LMAO HE JUST BONKED THE DUDE. i love percussive maintenance, that’s how i fix my car

15. oooooh i love a good “i was a good guy before i was evil and i remember” moment. Good shit

that was really good! i honestly didn’t remember any of it from whenever i watched it but that was dope. i can definitely see how you’re so invested in the story! now i’m pumped for your fic whenever it comes out 😂🥰

Answering all of your notes.... under a readmore so this isn't too too long, haha

1). Yes!!! Marv is so cute!!

2). I love that song so much.

3). yes!! the sound track is really good, but you won't find those two songs on it haha.

4).I've never seen that movie, so I'll take your word for it, haha. They are really interesting and I am intrigued by them lore wise, sad we don't get more about them in the movie (idk if theres more in the tv show? I haven't watch it yet cause it got canceled and ended on a clif hanger, but I should).

5/6. yes!! orange guys!! I love all of their designs, except for Jarvis (Clu's assistant), I know they where going for like.... hes weird and kinda cringe, but they could have done his design way better.

7. No worries!!

8. yes! the fights are good, and I think even tho Sam is like, a newbie to it, it still feels realistic? like the guy base jumps, I feel like him knowing how to fight is reasonable.

9. yeah that whole scene is so?? trippy haha. (I now, of course, only watch Rinzler doing his thing in the background when I watch this scene haha)

10. YESSSS ugh, I feel like he's more so disapointed that Sam isn't giving him much to go off of?? to Sam this is still the guy that abanonded him, but to Kevin this is his kid that he hasn't seen in so freaking long (time works differently on the grid, not to get super into it, but one year our time is 50 years grid time. So Kevin has been on the Grid for over 1k years.)

11. DAFT PUNK DOES THE WHOLE SOUNDTRACK hahaha. Sorry, they are my og masked band and I still love them so much <3 (Legit I've only been listening to sleep token and daft punk for the majority this month). So all the music in the movie? was them, and that's why they where in it! really cool to me haha.

12.YES!!! he's such a good actor, shape shiftier I swear. His design is so cool, and I like Zeus as a villain. He's so interesting and I want to know morrrre. But we'll never get it oof.

13. LMAO

14.Yes, Kevin bonking that guy is so freaking funny. I feel bad for the program, but like. i love that scene. It's such a callback to the first movie, when Kevin was a cocky little shit, and I love it so much.

15. Tron in that scene breaks my heart.

I'm so glad you enjoyed it!!!! Like, I just.... legitimately can't express how excited I am that you liked it??

and yes... my fic..... I was working on it when I got your ask.... Rinzler and Sam are interacting... and I am... LIVING. HAHA. So little has happened it feels like, and yet... 18k... whooooo boy. I wouldn't be surprised if this ends up being my longest fic ever oof.

[tinylittlecubby]

I just had the WEIRDEST fucking dream about jj like?????????????????

Okay it was tied into another dream cause thats how dreams work but that part isn't important (I will say that someone was wearing 2 bags of frozen vegetables like they were dresses and yes there were still vegetables in the bags and yes they did get in trouble) but anyway!!! It changes to some brawl in the parking lot of someone's business and everyone needs to get the fuck out (but it was like a bunch of children and some adults I do not know why I was there or any other of the adults. I think the kids were trying to do some legit property damage so the adults were trying to stop them?) So jj (in a tesla for some reason I feel like THAT was unrealistic) drives me and him away from the scene but bro this nigga was SPEEDING!!!! Like got the attention of the police speeding. Like two other cars did aggressive u turns to avoid him speeding!! I literally started hyperventilating cause I HATE when people speed (specifically men, women scare me less when they speed in a car so my reaction is realistic) I tell jj to pull into a busy mall parking lot so we blend in with the rest of the cars and that somehow works. We are now just sitting in the car and I start talking about our relationship (didnt know we were involved but we roll) and I said "I'm scared you're going to hurt me" (yo I FELT SO for real vulnerable saying that in the dream it felt so real im never dating irl I woke up pissed off) and HE GOT POUTY AND UPSET 😡 he said "oh because we are getting more serious you are getting worried about these things" (first of all bitch! I have clinical paranoia issues and anxiety okay I've done been worried about this and 2 I can feel however I want to feel at any point in time and 3 you LITCHERALLY just out ran the police okay I do NOT find that hot its only hot when I do it,its irresponsible when other people do it. Unfortunately I did not say any of this in the dream.) What I said in response was essentially that "im not worried about you hurting me with your hands or words -even though fucking high key his reaction fucking pissed me off which is a type of hurt but I digress- which only leaves one type of you hurting me left and that is physically losing you. Like you dying" and then we started talking about it and he tried to break the tension by making a comment that I wont write here because I feel like its a comment that I shouldn't even be dreaming about (its enough im dreaming about the nigga but im not trying to read his life like that either) and during this i saw my older sister in the parking lot with her friends????? And then she saw me????? And then she came over and was like "haha ******* is with a guy romantically!" And honestly to that I say based,she was valid in that reaction cause outside of this dream thats never going to happen intentionally!! I will make sure of that!! But yeah thats pretty much where the dream ends but it was weird as fuck and whats sticking out to me is how pouty he got when I was vulnerable I felt like saying "fuck you!! I'm out" I was absolutely anticipating him being like "omg honey what have I done for you to think that oh no nono" but instead I had to pivot. I know in real life I would've gotten out the car and been like "yknow what bye boi im walking home have fun speeding in your iPad car" but I felt feelings for him???? Fucking gross. Not gross cause of who he is,he is an extremely attractive man in real life and I would most likely,like 98% break most of my rules for him in real life BUT it was just so antithetical to his public persona his reaction (but then again I dont know the man so it could've been actually spot on) honestly the first red flag that it was evil jj was the speeding away from the police,don't think he would do that irl. Anyway anyway anyway this is what you get when you stay up all night listening to the podcast amongstotherthingsthatilegallycannotdisclose

[dzpenumbra]

1/7/23

I had a lot of positive things I was carrying into today. I had momentum. I had motivation. I had confidence. Even despite being woken up like 4 times by my upstairs neighbors. I got up, I stopped myself from "helping" some local person realize that their crusade against the entire Goodwill chain was really because they were upset that the branch manager was rude to them when they denied their donations a week after new years, at the busiest and most stressful time of year. I didn't comment, I walked away. I was better for it.

I did my yoga. Brutal. I felt weak. I was weak. I fell over. I shook. I felt faint. But I made it through it. And I reminded myself that I've done 30 day challenges like this every year since the pandemic started, and every year I complete them. This will be no exception. Day 5, done.

I showered. I listened to an album that I haven't had good associations with since college. That two broken, damaged, unfair relationships ruined for me. And I vowed to reclaim that album. Its beauty should not belong to pain alone. It deserves to be appreciated, not feared. And I made it through the whole thing.

I got my TV. I paid 50 bucks for some woman to drive the thing 8 minutes to my door and have me take it out of her fucking car because she "dislocated her shoulder". The frustration of this didn't really hit until the walk back to the apartment. I was fucking awake anyway. I was up and moving anyway. I was just so fucking frustrated with myself. All because of this stupid trauma and anxiety shit swarming around me because I have a fucking wolf at the door every goddamn day. And I'm baiting the fucker to my door. And I answer the fucking door like almost every goddamn day. Like an idiot. I'll clarify in a second.

I sorted boxes. Finally. I took my momentum from getting my TV and transmuted it into sorting my recycling, breaking down boxes and organizing. The plan being, when the TV was done, I could break down that box too. Then I can load all the boxes into the cart and bring them up to the recycling and get it over with. Keep the ball rolling, always keep the ball rolling. Thats my strat, it's literally the only way I get shit done. What happened, you ask? Oh, I'll get there, don't worry. Don't wanna glaze over this bittersweet gem.

I got two simultaneous texts when I was in the shower. Surprising, because I never get texts. I mean that. I never get texts. So I heard the sound and I legit assumed it was part of the music. One was my mom, asking if I needed any support today. The other was my sister in law. My sister in law was letting me know that she and my brother and nephew (who I haven't even met yet, he's getting pretty close to a year old now) were nearby and wanted to see if it was cool if they dropped by. My place is an absolute warzone. It makes me wonder if they've ever really... even seen what any of my houses look like. I honestly don't think they have. I mean, the entire perimeter of my main room is packed cardboard boxes full of my possessions. I have barely any furniture. I look like I moved in yesterday. It's been over a month. It's humiliating. And it's really not kid-safe. And the worst part, it's 100% a mental health thing. And I really shouldn't have to explain myself. But if I don't it is kinda unfair to other people to blindside them with this when they show up.

I let my sister in law know that my place was a mess and... well... my confidence was high so I said if they wanted to they could feel welcome to drop by. I'd swallow that pill for the chance to finally meet my nephew. Here's the part that I didn't really process, that I'm just processing now. They were in town meeting a potential babysitter. You know, looking for child care. While I'm 20 minutes away, unemployed, have trouble leaving my house and I haven't even met my nephew yet. And I have several months experience babysitting my "former godchild" at the exact same age. And I'm just... not considered. Again, I would wager because of mental health. Or just... not getting to know me. No clue. Fucking odd that I'm not even considered for dogsitting, I just lost my fucking dog 6 months ago and it doesn't even pop into their heads that maybe I might miss it a bit? That maybe 10 years of experience raising the same breed of dog alone might be enough to qualify me? And maybe I could use some cash? Because I'm technically unemployed and I have no income? Like... I'm not kidding... it's really fucking weird that the babysitting thing... I used to get my goddaughter to nap and keep myself entertained, our compromise, was to put on Twilight Zone, the original series. She'd conk right out and I'd have something cool to watch. And now, this shit just feels like I'm straight up in an episode of it. I mean that genuinely, it's a big part of why I can't even smoke weed right now. Because I start to feel like I'm actually in some kind of fantasy series or something, that this is fiction, that some trickster god is fucking with me, or aliens or interdimensional beings or something. Because how could this be fucking real life?!

Glad I missed that (sarcasm), because besides overcoming the yoga obstacle... that was the best thing that happened today. I started setting up the TV and I was concerned about putting it on my glass-top coffee table. I called my mom to get her opinion. It started okay. Then I started setting up the TV. The setup stuff was kinda in broken english, which is always... it kinda feels like a bad sign? Like maybe corners were cut? You know? And a little anxiety about that whole "maybe this is was a bad investment, maybe i picked the wrong TV" came up. But I squelched it pretty quick. Then it came time to get my TV connected to the wireless router. And guess who hasn't entered his wireless password in... oh god... over 2 years? Because my PC and Xbox were hardwired and my phone/laptop just autosaved. Guess. It was me. I forgot my wifi password. But hey, check it out, Xfinity is super convenient, right? I remembered that their app lets you just pull up the app on your phone and hit a button and you can get right into your router, don't even have to do any of that admin browser entry shit. So I pop open the app and log in. 2-factor hits me, of course. Then I'm in and my fucking account says "INACTIVE". Yep. And the address is my old address. Yep.

So I try to get my mom to get into her account, in case... for some mysterious reason... it was set up in her name. She forgot her password. She tried to get me to give her my login and my password, for some reason. After like 10 minutes, I made it pretty fucking clear that I really do not feel comfortable reading out my login and my password out loud with paper-thin walls in my apartment building. It just started off with that goddamn tone where it was like... she was just doing whatever the fuck she wanted and she "knew best". Like what the fuck do you even need my password for? I'm literally logged in right now. You need YOUR password. Can you tell I'm angry? Well stuffing that down and repressing it for 3 fucking hours of pulling teeth will do that. Every time I asked for something, every time I asked a question, just fucking goddamn stonewalled. Like, I shit you not, I asked 4 consecutive questions and she flat-out acted as though the Men in fucking Black came in and neurolyzed her. Like I never even spoke words. I had to check to make sure I wasn't muted. But she was straight up fucking ignoring me and dodging. And I'd bring attention to it. "Hey, I've asked you a like 3 questions now and you haven't answered, can I get that information please?" and just... deflection. Dodging.

So why the fuck did I stick around this? Why was my hand glued to the goddamn lit stove? Because I do not have access to my own internet account. If anything goes wrong with it, I'm fucked. I don't have the password, it's not in my name, if I call support I strongly doubt they'd give me access without confirmation from the account holder. Because she owns that part of my life. And this has been done "for my convenience" for almost 2 decades. I got my rent out from her control. I got a few other things out too. But my internet is apparently in her name. And my insurance. And my car insurance. And my car itself. Which is why my car has been sitting idle in a dealership lot not being repaired, they haven't even ordered the parts. And they haven't even spoken to me. Because her name is on the fucking car. I'm 30 goddamn 6. I didn't choose this. I've literally known no other way. This is how things have always been. I mean that. I had no idea this wasn't normal until really recently. And I really feel like I'm in some kind of Britney Spears conservatorship or something, I don't know. It scares me, because I endured some really fucking abusive shit tonight. Like having the 3 hour dragging feet, power struggle, making shit difficult bullshit being blamed on me because I have memory problems. That I literally can't do anything about. That hurt me more than anyone else. I actually have to leave notes around the house for myself to remember to get basic things done. It's not an easy life when you live fucking alone. Shit falls through the cracks every goddamn day, every hour, it feels like.

I had to hang up again. I was very clear dozens of times that what was happening was not okay, and that it's a repeat of the same fucking problem over and over, and I was just told over and over that I brought it on myself. That it was warranted because she was simply "defending herself". And she wasn't even trying to control herself. Not even attempting. She was just... right. And I was wrong, and "aggressive" (not stressed, not frustrated, not having his problem be taken over by a geriatric woman who was not welcomed and asked several times to stop, "aggressive"), because that justifies her anticipatory "defense".

I get stressed with a problem. The "supporting" person misreads my stress as aggression towards them. The "supporting" person does not verify this assumption, but acts on it by "defending" aka retaliating. I get my ass beat by my "support" for being legitimately stressed out about a real problem I'm having. Totally healthy.

Now I guarantee that at least 2 of my neighbors heard my side of the argument. Oh fuck, I almost forgot the best part! Oh so my dad decides to barge into her room and just start talking to her when she was on the phone, and I asked her to relay a message to him and guess what? He fucking responded. Because I was on goddamn speakerphone the whole time. Yep. So next time, I'm super tempted to put her on speakerphone so that my neighbors can witness the entire reality show. Not just think I'm a complete asshole. Like I just fucking moved in and already it's like... fuck. AAAGHGHHHH.

My depression was at an all time high before this. It's been escalating super rapidly. I've been very open about this. And this is the second brutal beating in 3 days. I had one day of recovery. ONE GODDAMN DAY. And now. I feel like I've been up for a week straight. I've gotten one good night's rest in 2 fucking weeks. I feel like Christian Bale in The Machinist. I mean that. The skin on my face feels... tight and clammy. My cheeks feel sunken. My posture is like bullets are flying over my head at all times. I have bags under my eyes. I am constantly tense and in pain at all times.

So I reached out at 11PM, I called. Stupid, but I wanted to communicate clearly. I left a message. "Congratulations, you broke me. I need a list of all of my accounts that are in your name by 4PM tomorrow." I can't be the monk anymore. I'm too weak. I'm not going to lash out. I'm not going to explode. But I'm not hiding the fucking truth anymore. My will was broken today. Over a fucking wifi password. OVER A FUCKING WIFI PASSWORD. AND THE PASSWORD WAS FUCKING PASSWORD, OKAY?!?! AAGGGHHH. I am fucking human just like all of you, I have feelings too, very very strong ones. And this is the extent of how much I'm willing to express this one. Suffering and anger swirling together because my ability to live my life is being blockaded by a control freak who constantly shames me for not "being independent". I'm broken. And having a moment of weakness. But even in that moment, I have the clarity to know exactly what I need to fucking do. I need to be free. I. Need. To. Be. Free.

No more punishment because I didn't phrase things the way they wanted. No more looming threats. No more dangling friendship, bonding, affection, and social support... and making me pay prices like this and come out with less than I started. No more weaponizing my own mental health struggles against me. The only reason I dealt with this today was because that account is not in my name, I cannot legally access it and I don't even know where to start with getting legal counsel. I even tried to get the account changed to my phone number so I can change the billing info myself and access the router, talked to some dude in fucking India to get it set up and they didn't do it. I've already had my power, heat and cable shut off from missed bill payments and shit at my old place because of this "help" and "support" I'm getting. Just because I've never done this before and I have executive functioning struggles doesn't mean this is a guaranteed failure if I take these responsibilities on. It's scary as fuck to take on so much shit I've never done when I'm like... on the edge and super overwhelmed already, but I have to. Because paying this price?! Paying this price, I'm gonna be dead before I hit 50.

I'm not even leaving the house! The primate graphic novel idea was a great inspiration, but also a really great therapeutic tool, and I had a vision come to me yesterday of primate Me cowering inside the door and a bunch of gigantic beasts gnashing their teeth outside. Guess what? They ain't outside. They're in my phone. They're in my eardrums. They're crawling into my mind. Almost every single day. I can lock my doors, I can barricade the windows. And they still get in. Because I welcome them in. Because I, from the bottom of my soul, with every ounce of optimism I have, try to keep faith that people are redeemable. That they can change. And I give so fucking much of myself, my entire life, to support that effort. And I just get shit on for it.

So, fuck it. I gave it 3 years of trying. GG. Call me when you find God.

I found myself having a very dark thought earlier, and I want to be completely honest about it so I can not just shrug it off. So I can process it and move forward with it in mind. My cat is going to be 17 in about 2 months. She has osteoarthritis, hypothyroidism and kidney disease. She's a scrappy motherfucker, she always has been, but I'm afraid she may not have much time left. My dog is already dead, she died in July. I have no friends. You know what they say, "you can tell who your real friends are when the chips are down"? Yeah. Sad, but true. I have no family. Not really. My father was never a father. My brother flipped out on me because I asked him if he wanted to make music with me, and if he wanted a free art lesson while my landlords came over to inspect my house, to get my mind off shit, to distract me. My other brother hasn't had a real conversation with me since early high school, and communicates with me extremely rarely through his extroverted wife. That's all I got folks. So... my cat is really all I have left. Because I have to really strongly consider that my mom cannot actually stop herself from crippling me.

So what happens when my cat dies? All I will have is my art, my writing and my music. And without financial support from my parents, I'm pretty damn sure that's going down the drain too. No way I'm paying these bills on that kind of salary. So... yeah. That might be curtains. I mean. What kind of life is it really if I can't be myself? If I can't fulfill my purpose? How is that living? In this life, yes, I suffer greatly. Regularly. Likely shaving years off of my life. But at least I get to pursue my passions. When I'm not just perpetually recovering from the last brutal emotional beating. With the world the way it is now, with no connections in any field, not even any contacts... I don't see it happening. I see myself working somewhere, anywhere that I can. Just to get money. Just to keep food in the cupboards that are already bare. Just to keep a roof over my head. I will not be living. I will be surviving. And I honestly don't really know if that's a life I want to live, to be honest. I can't live a fulfilling life, I cannot fulfill my life's purpose, if I am merely surviving. The gifts that I have can not function when I am in survival mode. Ask Rimworld, they added it as an an actual game mechanic. Inspiration comes when good mood is sustained. Mental break comes when bad mood is sustained. Two sides of the same coin. I will be reduced to a miserable laborer, grinding the days away until I find the sweet release of death. And that's not a life, that's not living. So, I'm keeping that in mind.

This is insanely dark. I want to apologize, I feel compelled to. But I'm tired of apologizing for my own pain. I just need to get my pain out a bit, because I currently don't have any other coping mechanisms besides distraction and yoga, and I'm sore. Weed will make this worse, I've thought it over a dozen times and I really believe that right now. Drinking is not available, but I'm starting to strongly consider it. Prescriptions are not a thing for at least a month. Cigarettes have been dangling in my peripheral view for days now, I can hear their siren's song every day. "We can solve all your problems, my dear." For a price.

So, this is where my stress has to go.

I don't know what to do. I don't even know if I can sleep. It's 3:30 again, I'm exhausted, but I'm fucking terrified. And just... wounded.

But hey. At least I broke down some of those pesky cardboard boxes, huh? I'm sure cleaning my house will make shit right as fucking rain.

I've tried so hard to be a beam of pure light for as many others around me as I can be. And that light is a barely flickering ember right now. Even Jedi have their limits.

[sleepyxdarling]

Yandere bois part one!

Let's meet my boys! I will probably write about them so it's best to get introductions out of them way yeah?

You can ask them questions..or request stuff for them if you even care lol

Yoshi, 19

Is a college student studying psychology

He manipulates his darling by crushing their self-esteem and makes them question everything

"no one is actually your real friend except me..they all hate you..I'm the only one who you can trust"

He likes to keep his darling fragile and weak

Is very blunt and cold

"you look weird today..all the guys are looking at you funny"

Will try to control his darling

"if you don't wear what I pick out for you then you are going to look ever grosser than normal"

"I'm the only one that can walk you home..do you want to get stabbed?"

"don't accept food from no one else.. I'll cook for you. They are calling you fat by giving it to you"

Is always making darling question her choices

"are you sure that was the right thing to do?"

"hmm..that wasn't very smart of you"

"do you want to be laughed at?"

If his plan works then he is very cocky and a tease while often degrading them

"whose a good little freak? You are!"

Very possessive

Adores talking down to his darling

"you are just a cute little whore huh? You're basically begging me to touch you..well what if I say no?"

Sadistic af!

Now if his plan doesn't work..

"you're still not listening to me?! You're just a little whore huh?!"

Will kidnap his darling and give them intense torture

"I am the only one you should listen to!"

"God I can't believe I'm in love with you! Such a filthy girl/boy"

Is far more violent and rough with his methods of affection

Suke, 18

Is a blind boy

His senses are on point though

He can smell that you ate a waffle for breakfast three hours ago

He can feel exactly what your clothes are made of

He can taste.. everything!

He is super quiet and polite

"hey [name]...do you want to go to the coffee shop?"

Comes from a poor family so he works at a cafe to get more money

His confession is very sweet

"[name]..you make my world of darkness full of light..please be mine"

If they say yes..cool! If not...

"why...why are you being cruel..is it cause I can't see?"

Full on rips the bandage around his eyes off and grabs his darling by their shoulders while he's crying

"you...you are all I care about! Please!"

If they say no again..

"I see..then I can not let you leave.."

His method of kidnapping would be to strangle them then bring them home

His parents work two maybe three jobs so they are gone a lot

Will keep his darling in his room

"I love you..I love you so much"

Is constantly touching his Darling and smelling them

Will go to their house and bring back their clothes and other things to make them feel at home

When he's out at work he puts headphones on his darling and forces them to listen to a recording of his voice

He will also gag them and blindfold them along with typing them to his bed

When he has enough money saved up he will take his darling and move into a nice one bedroom house

Will get a better job and be able to take care of them better

Shun,18

Baby boy!

Hyper and all around happy

Is a master at baking

Can legit make anything taste good

Is always happy to his darling and just clingy

"[naaaammmmeee]! I missed you! I super missed you!"

"I've been gone for 2minutes"

his darling will be his taste tester

"[name]! I made bonbons! Eat them for me!"

Is fawned over by other people but he isn't for it

"haha thanks for calling me cute..buuut..I'm totally in love with [name]!"

Legit does not care about being private about his feelings..if his darling rejected him..

Will legit break down crying

"no..nonono...please no..you have to be my prince/princess!"

He will pull his darling into a hug and stab a needle into their back

He came very prepared

When they wake up they will be in an expensive penthouse

They are tied to a chair and shun is cooking for them

Will be super happy to have his darling there that he will ignore all questions they have

If they refuse to eat his food or act out in violence then he will not be happy

"why are you being so mean...I love you so much and you are being totally rude.."

He will be a lot more forceful but he will always say it's all for love

If they try to escape he will track them down and drag them back

He is delusional so he thinks his darling is just being rude cause they need to adjust to this life

Ryo,22

He is a famous reporter

He usually gets interviews with celebrities

He is so fed up with celebrities and their stuck up ways

He is even more fed up with the fans

Will often get request from weird fans

"no..I can not get you jumin's hair..fucking weirdo"

His darling surprised him for sure

He didn't expect to fall in love

He will be more of a distant lover

Likes to take pictures of his darling both in secret and when they know it

"hey..I need to test out this new camera lens so be my model"

He is a Total lazy boy

Would rather lounge around instead of working

His confession will be more of a casual one

"[name]...date me."

If they say no..

"all those cute celebrities get the one they want but I can't..? You are selfish"

Is the most insane out of the others

Will kidnap his darling by hitting them on the head and dragging them into his car

They wake up in a room with pictures of them all over the walls

Ryo is all over them

Touching them

Kissing them

"my sweet star.."

He Will take pictures of them while they are crying

If they behave he will give them more freedom

As punishments he will break their fingers or their legs

The quickest one to want sex

Will take photos while they do it

"you look so good.."

When he goes to work his darling will be tied up and an automatic camera will be placed infront of them

A huge pervert and likes to take panty shots of his darling

[getitinbusan]

Jungkook 

Your phone kept buzzing, the incessant noise trying to come between you and your sleep was infuriating.

5 Missed calls, unknown number, there was only one way to get it to stop.

"What on earth could be so important?" You questioned without knowing who was on the other end.

 "Good morning babe, are you ready for me?" The cocky voice asked.

 "How the fuck did you get my personal number Jungkook?"

He laughed, "Namjoon gave it to me, I told him about our last encounter and he was pretty impressed that we shared the same taste in women"

It was your turn to laugh,  "So hookers?"

You could hear him sigh.

"Listen, I thought we really had something together the other day. I'd like to take you out on a real date"

You felt your heart flutter, he was pretty much the perfect man. You could see a future with him and it scared you.

"Sorry Kookie, I don't need a boyfriend," and you hung up.  

Y/N: Fuck you Joon, never give anyone my number.  

Joon: You know who he is right? Kids got a ton of money and is going to break onto the scene any minute. I thought maybe it would be a new path for you, how much more of this shit can you take? We've been doing this a long time, I can feel you leaving your body when we fuck,  you aren't happy Y/N. 

Y/N: Jesus, is it that bad Joon? 

Joon: You're still the best fuck in town, but yeah. He really likes you, maybe give it a shot. You'd be set for life and we could still have sex behind his back.  

Y/N: I really don't know why, but I love you Joon. 

Days went by and Jungkook never called back,  it was probably for the best.

Jin tried to book you but you told the agency you were done with him and to send someone else.

Maybe it was time for a new career, or maybe it was time to settle into a mediocre relationship,  you'd saved a little money, you could always just skip town.

As you sat contemplating your next move you got a text from the agency.  

A: Trimage #746 @8:30. First time customer, virgin male. Will send a car to pick up.

Y/N: Is this legit? It's not Taehyung trying to get me back with a false order? How many rich horny guys are there in that building? 

A: Checked out. Taehyung stopped calling a few weeks ago. Gave up after we told him you didn't want to see him anymore.  

Y/N: Has he ordered someone else? 

A: No, paid his account off and that was it.  

Your heart felt split open again when you thought about your last night with him. He was gentle and kind, he didn't even care if you had sex with him.

BUT… you told yourself,  he left you there alone after, he ran away, he made you feel things he wasn't ready to commit to. Shaking it off, you went and showered for your next appointment.  

The car dropped you off in the underground and you made your way up in the elevator. A few knocks to the door and you were left in surprise when Jungkook opened it to greet you. 

"I know your playing hard to get but I also know you still think of me inside you.

When Joon was fucking you, you wanted it to be me."

You're head was dizzy, feeling blindsided you weren't sure which way to steer this.  He felt dominating, it had shown through a bit last time but wasn't he a virgin? 

Stepping toward him you'd figure his game.

"So, you like to play innocent and naïve, pretend you have no experience in bed and then wow em with your skills huh Jungkook with the golden cock?"

He laughed at your quick summation of his agenda.

"Doesn't everyone have an angle, a game, a strange addiction?" he said tucking your hair behind your ear.

"So if this is just a fantasy game Jungkook, what's the real story? What are you escaping from? I've heard you've got everything, what do you need me for?" 

He stopped,  he was trying to figure out what you wanted to hear.

"Honestly Y/N, I just really enjoyed fucking you and I thought maybe we could do it because we like each other and not because I'm paying you."

You smiled at his admission, finally cutting through the bullshit.  

You both lunged forward toward each other and began pulling clothes off as you made your way up the hall. By the time you got to the bedroom you were both completely bare,  pushing you back on the bed he laid on top of you.

"I haven't been able to stop thinking about you, you've fucking wrecked me for anyone else. I just need to get off and then I'll fucking eat you till your pussy's raw."

He was fucking growling with desire when he pushed his cock straight into you. He was rough,  fucking you so hard his whole bed shook.

Freezing, he pulled out, "suck my cock, I want to fuck your face."

Doing as you were told, you took him in your mouth, you rocked your body back and forth gaining speed until he was hitting the back of your throat.

"Fuck Y/N, I'm going to fucking cum, can I cum on you?"

As you moaned in agreeance he shot his load all over your face. He handed you his t shirt to wipe yourself off when his phone rang. 

Answering all you heard was "shit, thanks" turning to you mortified, he began throwing your clothes at you "you've gotta go, like now, my girlfriends on her way up."

 You didn't move, you were 100% done with this.

Slowly reaching for your clothes you really couldn't believe this is what your life had become.

"Hurry up, get the fuck out, she'll kill me" he was in a frenzie trying to pull together the disheveled bed.

Taking your time and glaring at him as you zipped yourself up you heard her keys as she entered the apartment.  He ran out closing the bedroom door behind him sealing you inside.

You could hear him cooing at her in the other room, what a fucking asshole. 

Owing him nothing, you walked out and handed her his shirt full of cum, "Sorry about the sheets" you let yourself out and headed for the elevator.  

It was decision time, your finger hovered over the elevator panel, were you going up or down?