#it's kind a blur at some points but i think i'm kinda accepting that that's just how time goes you know?

[sizzlingstarlightsky]

Hi again! 

Now that we’ve kicked things off, I’d love to know more about what makes your heart flutter when it comes to Eris and Azriel! 😍 How do you like them to be portrayed? Are you a fan of softer Azriel or more morally grey Eris? Do you prefer them confident, vulnerable, or somewhere in between?

And what kind of relationship dynamic really does it for you—slow burn, enemies to lovers, established relationship, rivals? I’m so curious to hear about your favorite headcanons and moments you can't get enough of!

Also, are there any Azris fics you adore or keep coming back to? Whether it’s the angst, fluff, or perfectly written tension, I’d love to hear all about what makes them your OTP goals.

Can’t wait to dive into what you love most about these two!

-🎅

Dear Santa ✨️🎅🌲

There's these two males, right?

🖤One dark and mysterious. Takes out his rage and morally greyness (phone wanted to autocorrect to gayness 🤭) on those he tortures. Don't even get me started on how he unleashes that with this second male.... that's a whole different point I'll ramble about later.

Think Dexter for how he morally balances the primal urge to kill. He developed a code. Sometimes he breaks and that code gets blurred, but he finds a way to course correct.

He comes across intimidating and scary but he's just a baby. He craves love and true acceptance above all else. To feel seen.

He's confident in his looks. I don't think he's super super insecure about his scars, I think it's more so an internal battle, so he avoids any and all opportunities to communicate about himself. I also don't see him with a fear of fire. Maybe at some point, but baby healed in that aspect, having to be in battle and by fireplaces. It's kinda like he wields black flames anyway, so... 😶‍🌫️

He's in love with this other male but has never been able to admit that to himself. Yes, there's shit that happened with Mor 👀, but maybe he's envious. Envy for what he sees of Eris' masked life and is conflicted. He may be a spymaster, but he missed all the obvious signs. It hits deep insecurities within him.

❤️‍🔥SPEAKING OF THIS OTHER MALE 🫠

I want to get tangled in his hair.

He is flames incarnate. Very quick to ignite anyone that harms those he loves. Determined to not be remembered like his father. Gets too into the political game, but is fucking good at it. It is his game.

But he deeply cares for the people, the land, and the life of Autumn. He's just a little boy playing in piles of leaves that had to grow up way too fast.

He knows he's beautiful and uses that in his games. I saw someone post a bit ago (I can't remember who and I can't find it im sorry😭) that as a kid, Eris wanted Az to like him. He looked up to him as younger kids do. But then- 👀, and maybe a couple fumbles here and there. Now they fight as longing foreplay.

It's suspicious, it's odd, it's stalkery. Eris mentions Az whenever he can. Az sulks around the shadows of Autumn trying to find valid reasons not to like Eris. Eris knows he's there.

He likes playing with his food.

They're the ultimate slow burn enemies to lovers. Then they try to keep it a secret, but someone always finds out those kinds of things. Probably Lucien tbh. Major little brother energy with that little shit.

I'm not anti anyone but some IC criticism is good for the soul.

Santa, I'm afraid I've lost the plot,

Hopefully you get the vibes 😅🌲🍪🥛

sss

[capslock3284]

Lizard Thoughts on Goodbye Volcano High

Beware of unmarked spoilers!!!

Goodbye Volcano High is a furry visual novel with rhythm game elements released last year in 2023, nearly to the day. The game has a modern era dinosaurs setting, with the player as a nonbinary pterodactyl named Fang, who is hoping to make it big in the indie rock scene after graduating from their senior year.

However, the tail end of chapter 1 reveals that the same asteroid in the real world that ended the Cretaceous was spotted, with the rest of the story about Fang and friends making the most of what time they have left.

Overall, I liked the story of GVH! The emotional struggles both Fang and their friend group go through feels very close to some things I've gone through this time, including issues regarding transitioning and being socially accepted. For example, multiple times in the story Fang gets deadnamed and misgendered by their parents, which is - at best - waved away as 'trying' (though they get better by the finale). While it kinda stings that there's no option to censor it, I'm also a bit grateful that there isn't because it's a real struggle a lot of trans people have to go through today and it's not right to brush that kind of thing off.

Meanwhile, the overarching plot about the asteroid feels very allegorical to Gen Z anxiety over the future - or rather, feelings of the lack thereof. While it's not literal armageddon in our world, the portrayal of it mirrors sentiment I've seen over modern climate and economical issues.

===

As a game, though... I've got mixed feelings. It's incredibly linear, and while it's presented as a standard 'your choices matter' type game all it does is unlock extra scenes with characters you side with more. Additionally, this same system encourages multiple playthroughs to see all optional scenes, flashback comics, and to 100% the photo gallery. However! You only get one save file, and there is no option to go back to a specific point in the story - you keep going or you start from the beginning.

This doesn't mention the several errors I've noticed in animation, with characters having an extremely limited set of premade poses for them to alternate through, Seth MacFarlane style - not to mention the continuity errors (the most notable one I spotted was partway through chapter 5, where the same guitar changed its model from acoustic, to electric, and back several times.) There were also several times where audio or entire scenes cut out about a half-second early - while this didn't cut out entire words, the sudden cut to the next line without any pause was jarring.

Despite all of these problems, Goodbye Volcano High works very well with its strong points, that being dialogue choices and the rhythm game portions. Even though I mentioned the game is very linear, it feels like it's by design - you're not completely controlling Fang, you're nudging them in specific directions according to how they're thinking, which is represented by different effects around dialogue boxes. Angry thoughts are burning, despair is broken in half, and intrusive thoughts are blurred out by static the moment you hover over them (incidentally, this stops you from picking it with an extra thought from Fang telling themselves to not say that.)

The soundtrack is pretty good. Don't have much to say about it, though I like how it's used diegetically with about 2/3rds of the tracks being written/performed by Fang in the story.

==============================

Overall, I'd recommend Goodbye Volcano High. However, skip it if you're a completionist due to the high number of playthroughs needed to 100% it on steam, or if you just don't like visual novels. Get it on sale, borrow it through Steam library share, or just watch a six hour no commentary playthrough if you're on the fence.

Steam store page here!

[system-of-a-feather]

Hi! What is a substitute memory (if you don’t mind my asking)?

asdfalkaklj I actually haven't called upon my brain to define this in a bit so it might not be the "cleanest" definition, but what I'm assuming the bingo was referencing was substitute beliefs (broad term) and specifically when those beliefs are presented with "substitute memories"

Substitute beliefs are concepts / aspects / understandings of self and events that aren't exactly what is actually true / real / accurate but reflect it in a way that it is often easier to handle, accept, and bear for the person with the trauma.

Thats a mouthful, but a simple example would be say... someone's trauma was nearly drowning - they might then have an alter / develop a substitute belief that "I am a mermaid" or have the idea that being underwater like that was wanted because they are "spiritually a water creature" or that the drowning nearly happened BECAUSE they were confused and thought they were a mermaid rather than due to malice / neglect. In both cases the context of that memory might be reframed with a sort of substitute buffer to cover over the hard aspects of a shitty situation to make it more palatable

Those are more "extreme" examples because I can't really think of a more mundane example - but its a common defense mechanism people with DID and other people who were traumatized at a young age kind of do to sort of buffer the blow of being aware of the shit that's happened without necessarily having to deal with the entire reality of it.

I just got vague vibes from back there that it's fine to share, but the Riku subsystem was trained to be our sisters attack dog to a pretty extreme point of her manipulating dissociative barriers she knew of and as a result XIV has always really taken a lycantropic form, particularly when put in aggro mode and while he is aware he is not "actually a werewolf" it actively leaks into his day to day life and it is a really quick "blur" over topics that if dug more into could cause things to be uprooted that we aren't quite ready to.

Similarly, there are substitute memories that can happen where the memory of an event itself might be too hard to "digest" and as a result some people get similar but "slightly off" memories of things that didn't happen. I've seen this mostly talked about in terms of introjects and them developing memories related to trauma the body did experience but instead in the frame work of their source rather than the actual real lived body. Rather than remembering and processing feelings of neglect with your actual parents in reference, the part may still have the feelings that stem from a real trauma and experience the body had, but instead process it in the terms of "people who don't really exist" which makes it easier to operate and handle in an environment where it might be difficult to do that with the real people (often living there still and what not)

In substitute [anything] its really the brain just kinda blurring the details and shuffling around the lines to make it look like something easier and nicer to look at than the reality. It's usually similar to what ACTUALLY happened but often with a few details that are weird / wrong / obviously not real (ie, characters don't exist, werewolfs dont exist, mermaids don't exist, etc.)

It's been a while since I've seen it brought up so it might be a bit off of an explanation but hope that makes sense?

It's easier to process "I'm a werewolf" than process the implications of having been through mental abuse and directly trained as an attack dog for another's benefit.

It's easier to believe that the time you nearly drowned is because you were a "delusional kid and forgot you couldn't breathe underwater" than it is to address possible neglect or malice intent of someone who is supposed to be close to you.

It's easier to (not necessarily for the fictive themselves, but often for the rest of the system) see the struggle of their system member Sasuke processing the trauma of Itachi's betrayl than it is to see and process the betrayal of trust that the sibling you live with and have to see daily.

Substitute beliefs and memories are also often on a sliding scale of how seriously and literally the affected parts / people experience them and how real they actually feel, so theres a lot of variety.

-Riku

[keefwho]

September 08 - 2024 Sunday

10:58pm

5.5/10

The first chunk of today was a blur, as usual I took a long time cooking breakfast and I wasn't sure how to start my day. Part of me wanted to spend a lot of time in Cities Skylines but I didn't get around to that. I couldn't even watch my shows because the internet was bad. I kinda messed around and did nothing until JD was free to hang out. We played Planetary Annihilation for a good while. We started off against 2 "bronze" AIs which absolutely swamped us. It was pathetic. Then we fought each other but using only bot factories and I totally smoked him. He got a little frustrated though so I felt a little bad. Although I also feel good because of how he was always the winner when we were kids, especially when it came to RTS games. We hopped on VRchat for a little after that so he could show me this world he found. I didn't think it was very good tbh, especially with the world size but he thought it was cozy. At this point I was feeling the need to talk a little deeper so I asked him how he was. We talked about whats been stressing each other out a bit and that helped. I think he got a lot of benefit out of that, more than me today. Right now and the past couple days I've been feeling strong, like I've been staying true to myself well, making plans, and sticking to decisions. My big focus has been on making sure I'm being myself. I think thats the only requirement I need to have friends or be loved. Also if I keep sacrificing who I am too much for others, I will not be able to take it anymore. I'm forced to respect myself lest I snap.

I was peaking at mods and stuff for PA when DS let me know she was free. We watched some youtube, took a practice drivers test, and then she bought Hades so she could stream it. We moved to my server for that. It was a lot of fun, it was more pleasant to watch than I thought it would be. I knew I'd have fun either way but I really got into it. Unfortunately someone annoying joined for awhile but he did leave eventually. He was backseating and doing that thing where he talks to his pets out loud WAY too much without anyone having any context for what he's doing. DS and I would be trying to listen to the dialogue but he'd be yapping to his dog. In bed we did classic puzzles. I felt like I shared a good sentiment to DS tonight which is not caring or giving into people that might think something about you. Its really toxic behavior I've learned and I hope that sometimes I can help quell that kind of thing because I don't like to see her or anyone else I care about losing themselves to others. I think I'm right with this new emphasis on being myself and I want to spread that to others. True connection happens between 2 entities that identify each other as separate beings. And we can only do that when we act like our own being knowing we will be accepted for it. Either entity bending to the will of the other creates an unbalanced dynamic which often results in harm.

I think a lot like a sleep schedule is the foundation of all scheduling, being yourself is the foundation of many things as well. It's a core requirement to pursue anything higher effectively.

Lately being myself includes accepting how I feel and loving strongly. It also includes making the tough decision to enforce more boundaries and take care of myself in an attempt to be more effective at contributing to my environment in the ways I choose to. Thats whay I want, to be a well functioning individual that helps improve areas I personally think need it. I also want to help my loved ones and let them know that I love them very deeply. It's something I was a little ashamed to admit because my behavior has often been pointed out to be problematic or undesirable. Over time I've taken to believe that my form of "love" is unwelcome so I cannot experience it anymore. I'm not allowed. But I am. Maybe I have made mistakes in the past but they do not bar me from experiencing a basic human need and trying to do it right. I love. I love a lot. I refuse to hide it.

[aya-luri]

Finally! It had to be said and it was said. I'm glad that someone has dedicated themselves to doing an in-depth analysis of what is really canon or fanon in the Submas verse. Above all, I thought it was quite important that it was made clear that they have no known relatives, that there is no evidence of a real friendship with Elesa, or the issue of autism, a point that has come to be accepted as something obvious and indisputable in these two characters. I mean, why can't they just be two weird guys who are just passionate about their jobs? It seems that neurodivergence can only be accepted as the only explanation when there is some type of behavior that does not seem to fit the usual standards, instead of considering that there may be several causes for a way of being, or thinking that "non-neurodivergent" people also can present diverse, uncommon or oddly behaviors. This would not have much importance and would become another harmless HC if it were not for the fact that the character of Emmet is generally portrayed by the fandom with behaviors that differ enormously from his kind, encouraging and helpful canonical personality, frequently showing him as someone rude, childish, with a heavy case of lack of empathy or even (in the worst case) with psychopathic signs, promoting the bad reputation with which the autistic colective is wrongly associated. HCs are usually fun, but they can develop into kinda "troubling" when they become widespread, blurring the line of what is true and what is not, and making certain characters first known to the fandom through them and not by how they really are. We must also take into account the growing tendency to add HCs with the conviction that, in this way, more complexity and development is given to characters which –perhaps– don’t need it at all. In short, sometimes you have to take them with a grain of salt. Just a note. Although I have my doubts about how true the submas representation can be in the manga (since the comic series has its own interpretation and characterization of the characters, and with which I don’t usually agree), Ingo also smiles canonically in the anime chapters (while Emmet usually does the opposite. Maybe in difficult situations they reverse their facial expressions? Or is Emmet the pessimistic of the two? Who knows). Many people overlook this canonically version of him, very great in my opinion, and where we can learn more little-explored facets from the Subway Bosses.

Regards!

Submas canon vs fanon

The entire time I have been in the Submas fandom I have seen a lot of confusion about what is canonical and what is a wide-spread fanon. Both in the sense of people thinking things were canon when they were not, and (more rarely) people thinking things were fanon when they were not. So I thought it might be useful to put together a little guide.

Of course, there is nothing wrong with using fanon. I use most of these headcannons in my own fics because I like them and canon is dumb anyway. (Note: pokemon is a huge sprawling mass and tends to contradict itself, and there have been changes across the various games/manga/anime)

All quotations are taken from bulbapidia.

Nimbasa Trio - FANON

Elesa has no connection to Ingo and Emmet besides living in the same place. There is one interaction between them in Pokemon Masters, and while they are on friendly terms they don't appear to be particularly close. Similarly, the idea that Ingo likes bad puns/Emmet does not stemmed from their fanon friendship with her.

Uncle Drayden - FANON

The only confirmed family Ingo and Emmet have are each other.

Cilan is a huge fan - CANON

Cilan is a fanboy of both of them in the anime.

Ingo is the older twin - CANON

In the original Japanese Emmet calls Ingo "nii-san" which means older brother.

"Do you have any siblings? I have an older brother, Ingo."

- Emmet, pokemon masters

Emmet's joltik hoard - FANON

Emmet's galvantula knows the move cross poison. This is an "egg move" which can only be learnt through pokemon breeding. Since it would take several tries to get this move it probably would have left Emmet with a lot of Joltik. In theory. We don't see Emmet with joltiks in canon.

Ingo's kitty smile - CANON

He smiles like that in the manga. (Admittedly, it's not as exaggerated as the full on :3 people sometimes draw him with.) He also briefly smiles in PLA, but less cat-like.

Ingo's perpetual frown is unintentional - CANON

"<player>! Someone just told me something that troubled me deeply! They said that compared to Emmet, I'm too stiff! But that's just a misunderstanding! I know I smile when I'm having fun! I'd even say that I'm quite proud of how expressive I am when I speak! What? You say you've never seen me smile? I-is that so..."

- Ingo, Pokemon Masters

They are both autistic - FANON

They are related to the twin heros - FANON

They share similar themes and motifs to the twin heros/Zekrom/Reshiram but that's it. They have no canon relationship.

Both of them are heavily coded as autistic. However, it's never been directly stated in the games that they are autistic and (to my knowledge) nobody at Game Freak/Nintendo has confirmed anything.

Ingo has a receding hairline - (debatably) CANON

He is drawn with one in the art book. Does the art book count as canon? Until something in the main games says otherwise, probably. (Though there is some argument to be had that it might be an unflattering haircut instead.)

Ingo arrived in Hisui via wormhole - FANON

"For my part, I simply found myself one day here in Hisui, a region whose name I'd never heard... All I could remember was my own name. I was still standing there in bafflement when the Pearl Clan came to my aid."

- Ingo, PLA. (However, the art book depicts the pearl clan finding him facedown on the ground, so take his standing claim with a grain of salt)

We still don't know how he got there. Similarly, it is quite common to show Ingo arriving during a blizzard/freezing to death and generally in poor health/injured/unconsciousness. But the way he recounts it sounds much more peaceful.

It'a also common to have Sneasler be the one to find him. The art book (of dubious canon) shows a human pearl clan member finding him, and Ingo's quote seems to confirm that. It's possible Sneasler was involved but she isn't mentioned.

Ingo got amnesia from hitting his head - FANON

We don't know how he got amnesia.

Ingo remembers Emmet as "the man in white" - FANON

"I'm starting to recall a man who looked... like me. We'd battle and discuss Pokémon, I think... The words "I like winning more than anything else" flashed through my mind just now..."

- Ingo, PLA, about Emmet

He makes no mention of remembering Emmet wearing white or smiling.

Ingo calls her "Lady Sneasler" - FANON

Ingo only calls her Sneasler, no Lady. In fact, nobody calls her or any of the ride pokemon Lord or Lady because...

The ride pokemon are noble pokemon - FANON

There are 10 blessed pokemon descended from the heros of old, and these pokemon are revered by the clans and have wardens. The blessed pokemon are divided into two groups, the rides and the nobles.

The ride pokemon are not called noble pokemon, and they do not get titles. Mai talks about "the great Wyrdeer" but does not call him lord or noble.

"This suggests that even Pokémon that are not nobles can become frenzied..."

- Kamado, PLA, about the ride pokemon Ursaluna seemingly becoming frenzied

Ingo lives in Sneasler's cave - FANON

We don't know where he lives.

Ingo became a Warden because Sneasler liked him - FANON

"I showed a natural affinity for taming Pokémon, which is why I eventually became a warden. But still I wonder what my true purpose is here..."

- Ingo, PLA

There is no further information about his wardenship. There is no information on what his relationship with Sneasler was prior to him becoming her warden.

Ingo likes having photos because of the amnesia - CANON

"Ah, photographs. I appreciate having physical keepsakes—less ephemeral than memories. Would you do me the honor of posing for a photo with me, <player>?"

- Ingo, PLA, at the Photography Studio

Ingo has been in Hisui for XX years - CANON

The art book uses the placeholder XX for the amount of time Ingo has been in Hisui. Some have taken the double digits to mean 10+, however the first digit could easily be a 0. So, we still don't know. Net 0 information.

Emmet must be taking Ingo vanishing badly - FANON

We have not heard from Emmet.

***

That's all for now! I'm sure I've missed or forgotten something, feel free to add stuff in the reblogs! I might edit the list later to add more if needed.

[wandapinkay]

HIIIII it's friendly anon back again!! ヾ(ゝω・)ノ

the pleasure is all mine, i assure you! :D i was a bit apprehensive to drop in your inbox at first - since i'm not well-versed in self-shipping culture and ask culture on this site is tragically dead - but i got a cool new parasocial friendship out of it and i discovered a new and exciting way to consume media and enjoy characters, so i'm glad that i did!! \^o^/ it took me a long time to realize it, but i truly think self-shipping was the last piece of the puzzle that i was missing in my previous hyperfixations. so what if that man is fictional, what do you mean he can't be mine??

in other news, i've already gotten four of my friends to watch steins;gate and i also recently convinced my sister and her husband to give it a try! i have rewatched the entire show three times alone this month, i am fully insane 🙏

WAITTTT THOSE CATBOY EDITS ARE SO CUTE ACTUALLY 🥺🥺i'm so impressed with how authentic they look, how did you capture the steins;gate style so well?? the second one on particular looks so real, suddenly i'm convinced daru was a catboy the whole time and i just never noticed lol

MAD respect for that 200-unit daru pic collection btw, i've been deep-diving in the darkest corners of the internet for fanart of okabe and i have found some amazing comics featuring daru that made me think of you ( ¯ ³¯)♡! on that note, i've also seen some very sweet drawings of daru with baby suzuha which, out of curiosity, made me wonder what your thoughts on them are together as father and daughter! i adore them honestly, but i'm curious to know if you feel differently about them since you self-ship with daru! i've seen a couple selfshippers in another fandom i frequent who have drawn fankids with their f/o's before and that got me wondering since suzuha is a unique case :)

ASDFJAKSFKSF YES THAT WAS THE NAME OF THE VN idk why i called it that, i think someone else called it that in a reddit post-

nevertheless, my point stands. i cannot even begin to express my disappointment that we didn't get to see daru OR okabe in a maid outfit. heck, we didn't even get to see daru in his penguin suit (though the fact that he was really popular in it made me cackle)! i mean it when i say that if the devs hadn't been cowards and gave us frilly daru and okabe, i would not have looked even twice at the girls. the men yearn for the frills!!! \o/

wahhhh you really are so nice, i appreciate you a bunch :) :) and wow, i thought for sure you'd been part of the community for longer than a year, you seem so comfortable here! was it easy for you to get settled in the community? you've been so nice, but i'm a bit scared to dip my toes in the self-shipping tag if you have any advice👉👈 (thank you again for being so kind and accommodating!! ^^;)

I DID, I SAID THE LINE!! WHERE IS MY PRIZE

your message has been delivered and summarily ignored except for the kiss which he accepted with dignity :3

to sign off, i am blowing both you and daru a pair of friendly kisses! i wish you both a very good night AND OH MAN I ALMOST FORGOT IT'S VALENTINE'S DAY IN TWO DAYS??? in that case, i wish you both a good night AND a wonderful valentine's day if you have any plans!!

thank you again for reading!! i will most assuredly be back if i am still welcome! (ᴗ͈ ˬᴗ͈)ꕤ.ﾟ

OMG HI ONCE AGAIN!! SO SORRY IF I TOOK SO LONG TO ANSWER YOUR ASK, I WAS BUSYY 😭 Still so happy for the fact you're enjoying your new hobbie, I think everyone should try selfshipping at least once in their lives.. and woAHH amazing steins;gate propaganda you've done there! Wish I could do that to most of my friends but some have already seen it ages ago and some aren't just interested so I just kinda gave up HFH ALSO HOOOLY and I thought finishing the series in like,, 2 months was mental but you got me there I'm honest /lh I SERIOUSLY DON'T KNOW HOW I DID IT?? I just kinda went with it by using a small brush with no pressure and blurring out everything a little bit so it matched the og pic's quality I suppose?? I'm happy you think they seem legit, I did my job well then ; u ; <3 OMG THAT'S SO SWEET OF YOU THOUGHH 🥺🥺 now you got me curious on which ones you're referring to waa.. ALSO UMM.. ABOUT SUZUHA- I had a few concepts for how my relationship with Daru would work in-universe.. so I made a couple of them: one is the "good" ending I guess, while another is just "angst™"

.. yeah, can you tell I felt awful while coming up with the second one? GDGSFGFSD IT'S FINE THOUGH, I'M OK NOW But this is besides the point; I actually really love Suzuha's character and I prefer her over the other girls.. and my favorite dynamic is hers with Daru and Yuki (ironically).. seeing Daru being a dad melts my heart because sometimes I wish I had a father figure as sweet as he is aaa I prefer to see myself with Daru than project myself onto Yuki though, because I'd treat him differently than he does sometimes if I gotta be honest Still, hope you like the silly ideas- WAIT,, UH?? DARU HAS A PENGUIN SUIT?? I NEED TO SEE IT SO BADD 😭😭 Also fr, why can't they just satisfy the boy's fans for once,, I feel like they're leaving us out on purpose at this point- /j

Btw, for the selfship community part, I didn't really do much! I just started to post my artwork in the tag and started following and interacting with some peeps, although rarely because I'm still akward about it, but the people in it are so nice!! In my opinion, it's worth a shot!

Also thank you so much!! I hope you had a great Valentine's day with Okabe as well, sending you kisses as well! I posted a fanart that is kinda vday themed but nothing selfshippy unfortunately, but me and Daru would have probably chilled at home, exchanging eachother chocolates and stuff like that! Idk, I'm not a very "outside" person but if we had in plan to go somewhere like the May Queen to get something together, I wouldn't have minded either!

Of course you're welcome to come back, it's always a pleasure! Since I don't get asks often, it brightens up my day to see something in my inbox once in a while, so thank you still for feeling comfy enough to come back! Have a great day/night! 💕💕

[gerogerigaogaigar]

Oasis - (What's The Story) Morning Glory

This is one of the most infuriating albums of all time. It has some of the catchiest and most enjoyable songs of the britpop scene, or it would if the mastering wasn't compressed and brickwalled until the whole album is an unlistenable mess. I'm amazed by how bad Some Might Say sounds, there is this echo effect that is so far in the back of the mix that it sounds like an audio glitch and the song is so fucking loud and every instrument is just flat and indistinguishable. You might as well just listen to static. Where nothing on their debut is catchy enough to be hurt by the production and the heavier style even benefits from it sometimes, this album is only hurt by the garbage mastering to the point where I don't consider this to be a listenable album at all. This is a theoretically great album that is ruined by idiots. Oasis were idiots in the studio and Owen Morris was an idiot at the mixing board.

The Replacements - Let It Be

Despite the cheeky title Let It Be is actually one of the most sincere albums of all time. It captures the feeling of teenage alienation better than any other. The jangly guitars strike a perfect balance between alternative and post punk and the vocals sound like Paul Westerberg is about to burst into tears. Songs like Unsatisfied that could easily be comically maudlin are rendered soul shatteringly sincere. Simple lyrics like "how do you say 'i love you' to an answering machine?" are transformed into complex emotional statements.

Jay-Z - The Black Album

This was Jay-Z's victory lap album. He had announced his intention to retire from music (he obviously didn't do that) so this album coming after the unparalleled masterpiece that is The Blueprint really just come as showing off. He's one of the best rappers ever and he knows it. With a different producer on each track and nonstop self aggrandizing he is indulging in all of a rapper's worst tendencies and pulling it off flawlessly which is almost annoying. And I think that's the point, you are supposed to listen to this album and be kinda mad that he can pull off being so smug with so much style.

Aretha Franklin - Amazing Grace

Listening to gospel is a lot like watching The Exorcist for me. I can appreciate the craft but I cannot feel the emotion it wants me to because being a Christian who believes wholeheartedly in Christ is so fundamental to the work. I do appreciate the energy between Franklin and the audience, her lengthy melismatic interpretations are met with rabid enthusiasm from the crowd who can constantly be heard cheering and shouting along. The energy is infectious even if constantly being told that I have to accept Jesus puts me a little on edge. The first two tracks in particular delight me for how much she sings the old spiritual Mary Don't You Weep with all the flair of a modern soul artists and then turns around and covers Carole King's song You've Got A friend as if it was an old spiritual. She retains a lot of this kind of energy throughout and it's a little infectious even as the album hit the hour and a half mark.

PJ Harvey - Rid Of Me

Rid Of Me sees PJ Harvey at her most extreme. She is intense but also constantly swerving. Time signatures will get weird and then calm back into common time, segments will get chaotic only to then immediately go into a lull. You never really feel secure. The title track is emblematic of that insecurity going back and forth between 'please don't leave me', 'im gonna fuck then kill you', and 'why are you leaving me?' vibes at breakneck pace. Harvey blurs the line between sexual aggression and just aggression really artfully and the production by legendary engineer Steve Albini really makes the wild dynamics changes and rough quality really stand out. Almost certainly PJ Harvey's best album and I don't say that lightly.

[01tsubomi]

rating things i did in 2021: 

-changed my pronouns: i’d give this like an 8/10 because it makes me happy but i almost never get called he/him (at least to my face). it also opened the door for a lot of gender thoughts that have been stressful when i try too hard to put a label on them. either way this year my perspective on gender’s changed a lot and that was the catalyst for sure

-broke up with my girlfriend: like a 7/10. went really well and props to me for getting the courage and not clinging onto a relationship i wasn’t crazy about but also having a gf is kind of objectively better than not having a gf and well “got a new gf” is not an item on this list

-got the covid19 vaccine: definite 10/10. maybe a 9.5/10 bc it took me out for like 2 days during finals season

-got a journalism (term used liberally) internship: for enjoyment factor maybe an 8/10 bc i did like having a quick and concrete task to do every few days in late summer and i definitely know a lot more about Top 100 Gifts To Get Your Boyfriend This Christmas but also idk if anyone will ever take that job as serious experience. overall 6/10

-started wearing lolita fashion for real: 9/10 for the joy of it and maybe like a 4/10 for the money of it  

-saw the mountain goats: 10/10

-didn’t see my favorite high school teacher at the mountain goats concert even though he was there: 0/10 

-officially started my thesis: this just means another 2 semesters of slaving over my novel which is ofc joyous but also makes me wanna cry and scream and throw up a lot so i’m gonna give this one a conflicted and emotional 7/10 

-read the odyssey: 10/10  

-took a comics class and decided i maybe wanna be a comic artist: 9/10. joyous but loses a point for the sheer terror of it all

-went to my college town’s gay club for the first time: surprisingly not the best club i went to this semester but also one of my roommates started playing clash of clans in the middle of the drag show so i think it was a good night overall 8/10 

-watched ~5 seasons of friends: i don’t know why i did this but i know i’m gonna keep doing it. 6/10 

-officially became “the older cousin who’s into anime and you can infodump about my hero academia at me” and had a lot of fun talking to my goofy little cousins: 10/10 made the holiday season a lot more fun

-follow along when my roommate gets really into taylor swift as a joke but then get really into it unironically and learn her new music and relearn all her old music and start a shitty cover band called “the gromit” as a house and scream the songs at each other as a regular occurrence and it’s really fun and good and nice: 10/10 

[lunarbuck]

11:59 pm, December 31

moodboard is just for vibes, not what reader looks like

Pairing: bestfriend!bucky x f!reader (any race), College AU

WC: 1.7k

Summary: You've been in love with your best friend Bucky Barnes since fourth grade, but to him, you're just his best friend. It's New Year's Eve, maybe tonight will be different.

Notes: I'm kinda obsessed with this... Also! This is for @buckyjmsbarnes writing challenge :) The prompt I used is “how do you get over someone who never was yours”

Tags: angst with a happy ending, friends to lovers, light swearing

my masterlist / please let me know if you'd like to be added to my anything-Bucky taglist!

You sit out on the wooden swing in your backyard and stare up at the sky. It’s a cloudless night, the moon is full, and there are more stars than usual. Normally, the stars are a comfort to you, but tonight all they do is remind you of Bucky.

Bucky, your best friend since fourth grade.

Bucky, the boy who every girl he’s ever met, falls in love with.

Bucky, the boy you’ve been in love with since the day you met him. He’s never seen you like that, though. To him, you’re just his best friend, the person he can go to with all his girl problems. And for a long time, you didn’t mind. You were just happy to be there for him. You’d take him in whatever way he was willing to be there.

But as the years went by, you realized he’d never feel the same way about you. So you accepted your fate and decided that you were perfectly fine being ‘just friends’ with Bucky Barnes. And that’s how it’s been, through high school and now in college, you’ve been his friend through it all.

Now, it’s your final year of college, and you’re sitting in your backyard on New Year’s Eve alone. It’s cold, the snow has seeped into your boots and soaked your socks, but you don’t care. All you can think about is the party you’d run away from 45 minutes ago. You and Bucky had gone together, hung out, and then he just disappeared. Eventually, you found him settled on the couch with some girl you went to high school with in his lap. Her fingers twisted in his hair, and he looked up at her with those bright blue eyes.

You snapped. You couldn’t stand it. Right as you saw him wink at that girl, you turned around and walked away. You walked straight out of the house and back to your parent’s place. It was a 20-minute walk, but the cold winter air helped calm you down. Instead of heading inside, you made your way into the backyard and sat down on the old wooden swing. Your dad had hung it up when you were five, and once Bucky moved next door, it quickly became your favorite hangout spot.

This was where Bucky had hugged you while you cried about Cara Smith telling you that your bow looked stupid. It’s where Bucky had told you about his crush on Samantha Truen in 6th grade, and it’s also where he’d told you his plans to break up with her three weeks later. Freshman year of high school, you cried to Bucky when Eli Henry bailed on you for Homecoming. Bucky told you of countless girlfriends and their inevitable breakups right here on this swing.

So tonight, the night you’ve finally reached your breaking point, you stare up at the stars and wonder why they’ve done this to you. Why did they make that kind, beautiful, blue-eyed boy move in next door all those years ago? Why did they make you fall in love with him? And why did they make him fall in love with everyone else?

The stars blur as tears well in your eyes. How many times have you sat right here in this swing and cried over Bucky Barnes? Far too many times to count. Countless shooting stars, hundreds of wishes made on 11:11, hoping and praying for Bucky to just love you back.

Maybe that’s why tonight, seeing him with that girl who probably never even knew you existed in high school, you cracked. Bucky will never see you the way you see him. You’ll always just be his friend. Nothing more.

But how are you just supposed to forget about your feelings for him? You’ve tried before, but he comes back with that fucking smile, and you’re sucked right back in.

How do you get over someone who never was yours?

How do you mourn a relationship that never even began?

When you look back up at the sky, you feel the constellations mocking you. They are perpetually placed in the heavens with their mates, beautifully paired for the world to see.

Footsteps crunch in the snow, but you don’t turn to look at them; you already know who it is. As he gets closer, you smell his cologne filling the air around you, and it takes everything in you not to glance over at him.

“What’re you doin’ out here,” he asks, rubbing his gloved hands together. His breath fogs in the air as he stands over you, just outside your field of vision.

“Thinking,” you say, voice thick with your tears. Bucky crouches down in front of you and places his hands on your face. His brow is furrowed; you’re easy to read, so he knows you’re upset. You doubt, though, that he knows that he’s the reason why.

“Whatcha thinkin’ about,” he coos, rubbing his thumbs along your cheeks to wipe away your tears. You hate how sweet he’s being. It’s hard to tell your heart that he’s only doing it to be nice. Not because he loves you. A few responses run through your head, you could tell him you’re thinking about him, but you don’t think you’re strong enough to tell him everything right now. Not tonight. Not here.

Your heart has never been too good at listening to your brain, though. “You.” His eyes go wide, and you can practically see him running through everything he’s said and done recently that would have upset you.

“I’m sorry that I’ve upset you; what can I do to make it better?” You scoff. He can’t do anything. Unless he can make you stop loving him, but you’re not even sure if you want him to do that. You don’t want to know life without Bucky in it.

“You can’t.” Bucky stands then sits beside you on the wooden swing. He digs his boots into the snow, causing the seat to sway. The branch you’re hanging from creaks.

“What did I do, doll?” He asks quietly. Snow continues to fall, and the world seems to go still with his question. How do you explain this to him? “Is this about Mara? Look, I know you don’t like her, but nothing happened–”

“You’re an idiot,” you say through a sarcastic laugh. Bucky looks at you, clearly confused, and waits for you to explain. “You think this is all about Mara. God, I’ve known you since fourth grade, and you think this is about some girl?” You stand, causing Bucky to swing back.

“How am I supposed to know if you won’t tell me what’s up?” You pace for a moment in the snow, then turn to face the boy you’ve been in love with for years and years.

“I love you, Bucky. I have loved you since the day I saw you, and you have never loved me back. And you know what? That’s fine.” You pause to take a breath and see him open his mouth, and you shake your head. “I can’t make you love me. I can’t change the way you feel. I realize that, and it’s fine. I’ll be fine. It was hard to see you tonight with Mara because we were supposed to hang out.” Ever since you knew what kissing was, you’d wanted Bucky to be your New Year’s kiss. But every year, he had a different girl in mind.

Now, it’s Bucky’s turn to stand. He closes the space between the two of you and puts his hands on your shoulders, and you shiver under his gaze.

“You have no idea what you’re talking about,” he whispers, breath warming your face. You stare back at him and shake your head. “You have no idea.”

“What do you mean?” Any confidence you’d mustered together earlier has dissipated; you feel small all of a sudden.

“You’re standing here telling me that you apparently know how I feel. You don’t. You couldn’t.” How did this get so turned around on you? Bucky has told you every thought in that pretty little head of his since the day he moved in. What could he possibly be keeping from you?

“Bucky,” you say quietly, a plea for him to explain. You’re not sure how much more you can take. He glances at his watch, then takes a step closer. His chin rests against the top of your head, and you try not to take gulping breaths of him.

“Make a wish,” he whispers against your head. You shake your head; it’s not time for wishes.

“It’s past 11:11,” you say, feeling the warmth from his chest against your face.

“Make a wish,” he repeats. So you do, you wish for what you always do, for Bucky to feel the same.

Your neighbors are having a New Year’s party, and you hear them start the countdown to the new year. You stare up at Bucky and wish on those stupid stars in the sky.

And then, he kisses you. Right as your neighbor’s muffled cheer of ‘happy new year’ rings through the air, he presses his soft lips to yours in the kiss you’d been waiting for for years.

It’s all-encompassing, and it warms you all the way down to your toes. He wraps his arms around you and holds you close, enveloping you in his being. It’s everything you’d thought it would be and more. His nose bumps your cheek, and his tongue seeks out the seam of your lips, and when you let him in, he groans lightly into your mouth.

He ends the kiss far too soon for your taste, but it’s worth it to see the way he looks at you.

“I have loved you since day one,” he says against your lips. “I just didn’t know how to tell you. I didn’t want to lose you; I don’t know how to live life without you. I’m an idiot, and I didn’t know you felt the same way.” He lets his words settle, and a tear falls down your cheek. He swipes it away and kisses you again. It’s sweet and apologetic and loving.

“I love you, Bucky,” you say against his lips. A grin tugs at his cheeks, and he dips you back, supporting your weight in his arms.

“I love you more.”

Maybe all this time, you should’ve been making wishes at 11:59.

Tagged: @peaches1958

[lollytea]

If Willow ever opened up to Hunter about the way she was bullied and things she went through what do you imagine Hunter responding or his reaction after listening to a more detailed version of why people ever called her “Half a Witch” ?

If you really want to know how I personally imagine it going, I wrote this exact scene in My fic Sunshine of Willow explaining her past and Hunter's extremely conflicted thoughts on the matter. However this was pre Hollow Mind!Hunter who is quite different from the Hunter we see in the season 2 finale. This is what a week hanging out with Willow and Gus does to a mf. However, I think there's still some insecurities in him that linger which wouldnt change all that much over time. But if you've already read it, you dont care to read it, or you don't wanna tear through 30k words to get your answer, I'll try to give some thoughts on it here.

It's honestly kinda hard to say for certain how he would react as there's a lot of factors to take into consideration.

Hunter seems pretty resigned to the inherent prejudice of the Boiling Isles and how witches who suck at magic are often treated as less. He's internalized it, as he honestly considers himself to be half-a-witch and, while he desperately tries to prove that he has some worth, it will never be enough for him. And its like. He thinks he deserves to be treated that way, he thinks he deserves to be called that, he has accepted that this is just how their world works.

But that just begs the question of if he would accept the status quo so easily if he heard how it has negatively impacted someone else. And not just anyone but a friend that he cares about a lot. Would hearing Willow's similar experiences just make him shrug and be like "yeah it sucks but being half a witch is just the kind of thing we have to deal with." Or would this open his eyes to the reality that hey, maybe Willow didn't deserve to be treated that way, and for that matter, maybe he didn't either.

Hunter has a huge sense of compassion but he has trouble understanding that it is something he is worthy of receiving because his self-worth is so tattered. But seeing his own pain reflected in Willow might be the thing that forces him to look at things from a new perspective. Hunter is a lot more introspective than he's given credit for, but a good chunk of it has been refrained by his mindset of denial and blind obedience while in the Emperor’s Coven. But I feel like now that he's free from all of that, he's finally allowing himself to think in ways he couldn't before. His emotional maturity is beginning to come to the surface.

It's also something that spurs him into exercising that compassion of his. I think he would definitely make honest attempts to comfort his friends after the events of Labyrinth Runners. That doesn't mean he's perfect at it. But he does absorb the lessons he learns and can can echo them to those who taught them to him in the first place. It reminds them that he was listening and that they made a positive impact on him. And sometimes when you're feeling useless, it's a nice thing to be reminded of.

Maybe he would take a deep breath and begin to list everything that he believes makes Willow Park the fullest witch he's ever known. It's supposed to be factual statements but his own overwhelming admiration and personal opinions eventually blurs the lines. He botches his words again and again until he gets it all out. And when he's finally done, Willow staring out him with eyes blown wide, he simply says "You've been misjudged. So...do you still think you're pathetic?"

Willow couldn't lie to him so all she can do is shake her head.

I feel like, at the point the two of them are at, they can have an open reflective conversation about the whole half-a-witch thing and what it means to them. I'm not writing that whole conversation out but I feel like it would deeply therapeutic for both of them.

[wattpadscapcons]

Confusion (Pregame Korekiyo x Reader)

tw: Social anxiety, questioning of romantic relationships, implications of domestic abuse, generally kinda fluffy?

Word Count: 1058

"I hate your sister."

Where did that come from? Korekiyo had been feeling easy for once not having his sister around to disturb the two of you. Of course, if she did end up catching you two together, he hates to think about what would happen. You treat him....so much better than anyone else does, even his sister, which he could never get the guts say out loud in front of her.

Now he's just plain nervous again. He hates it when you get angry. Thankfully you've developed a sense for the uneasiness that he constantly tried to hide.

=

"Kiyo, did I say something wrong?"

".....No..."

"Why are you shaking then? I'm not mad at you."

=

Korekiyo has the habit of jumping to conclusions that make him feel like he's always the root of his problems, even when he wasn't. You've grown used to that, and openly accept it to the point where you're constantly reassuring him.

=

His sister's seething anger is too much for him to bare most days, and until you inched your way into his life, he had no where to hide. Now he can just hide in the safety of your room when you were home, or your treehouse if you were gone. At least it's warmer, he has to admit, so much warmer than when his sister locked him out of the house as punishment. You of course, have full knowledge of all these facts, and actively seek out places where he "could" be to check for him.

He could swear up and down that you were an angel for even putting up with his pathetic behaviors. You let him cling to you all the time, metaphorically of course, he doesn't feel all that comfortable with touch out of a short hug on occasion. You had made it a habit to make positive comments about his appearance too, which he finds a tad bit embarrassing at times, but it's nice.

Your parents don't seem to mind him jointing you for dinner either, though they did give you some questioning looks when they saw his entire face. They were kinda confused about his gender because of that. You mother made a proposal for him to join you two on a shopping day. You can imagine the mix of embarrassment and awe he felt as he saw you every time you popped your head out of the dressing room to ask his opinion on something.

=

"I think...that looks very nice on you Y/N."

"Do you think it's the right color though? I'm not really sure myself."

=

Of course, he's grown a little used to that, he loves being around you and your family. They treat him with a level of respect he could only dream of getting at home. Sister was so....smothering for him. You, you were light and made him feel happier.

Though he is having an issue right at the moment. Are you two in some kind of relationship right now? Like are you two dating or is he just imagining things? He can't even tell, since those lines are blurred to him. He thought about asking you, but ended up backing out several times, he didn't want to embarrassing himself in front of you yet again. You've called him beautiful, held his hand, always gave his space when he needed it, but never got angry at him. You would just smile at him and rub his back until he could breathe again.

Is he overreacting again? He tries to listen to what you tell other people about him for some kind of hint to his suspicions. He's had no such luck yet, he did note that you said you 'loved him' to several of your friends, but that can mean so many things. He had no reason to get excited over that.

The curiosity is almost killing him when you start cuddling up to him even more. Why are you like this? His hand moves to play with your hair unconsciously as he thinks. You're so cute like this, he can't help but think that every time you try to and succeed to get closer to him. It makes it hard to look you in the eyes sometimes, he has to force himself to look most of the time. You wouldn't be mad if you would ask right? You've never got mad at him for asking questions he though he should already know the answer to before. Is this any different? Wait, you're talking to him, he should probably listen.

=

"You look a little lost in thought there. You ok Kiyo?"

"Just questioning myself as usual..."

"Anything in particular that you can't find an answer to?"

=

He hesitated for a second, should he really ask?

"Well....I had questions about the relationship we're currently in right now."

"What about it?"

"Are we dating or are we just close friends?"

"Oh, Kiyo...."

=

There floods in the shame and embarrassment. He shouldn't have asked, you're giving him that pitiful look....

=

"Of course we're dating dummy!"

"Huh?!"

=

Well you exclaimed that a little too loud for his liking. He isn't one to complain though, you know best after all. He finally did get an answer to the question that was bothering him all month long though. Now he has more questions though.

What were you expecting from him? Were you expecting anything other than what you two have already been doing together? Too many questions, his head feels like it's spinning a little right at the moment. He's brought back to reality by your giggling, it was a sweet sound to him, and calmed him down. But only for a second, for his mind continued to be mean to him.

=

"You're laughing at me aren't you?"

"Not at all. I'm just happy."

"Hm?"

"I'm happy you found the courage to ask about something sensitive again, you're getting so much better at that you know. I can be proud of my boyfriend, maybe I should parade you around town!"

"Ah! Please don't! I wouldn't be able to handle so many eyes on me at once."

"Kiyo it was a joke."

"Ah....of course it was...."

"It's ok, you'll get the hang of social stuff after a while, you don't need to master it now."

=

With that thought, he was left tired again.

[tragedy-for-sale]

Run, Little Soldier

When Rex was a shiny he was similar to Dogma, following every order. Well we have to travel to Geonosis for a shiny Rex.

Remember when I told ya'll to be prepared? Wellllll ;)

Someone folks wanted a little shiny Rex, so uh @loridrabbles and @tea-and-finalfantasy forced my hand.

◆◇◆◇◆◇◆◇◆◇

Follow orders and maybe you'll stay alive.

Rex knew that was bullshit. But he didn't believe that part of him, the part that knew the truth, the part that could feel. He didn't trust it. He knew how messy things get the second you let your heart weigh in. He wouldn't give in, he couldn't.

The blond haired shiny held on tightly to the handle of the gunship, he was shaking. Every part of him was shaking, if he let himself, he'd start crying, but he wouldn't let himself. He was a soldier. So the young man stuffed his feelings down and let the hatred of his position hide his fear. The fear that if he were to die today, no one would ever miss him.

He sought for glory. To make his name known. It wouldn't happen today, but as long as he survived this battle, he'd have a chance. As long as he survived. When the gunship open, hundreds of troopers and Jedi rained down on the desert arena.

Rex found himself lost in a blur. You couldn't call his name and expect him to hear you, you couldn't walk in front of him and expect him not to shoot you. You couldn't treat him as a person in this moment. Because in this moment he was not Rex, he was CT-7567. A soldier, a clone, a number.

And this number, was determined to stay alive. He shot his targets with a perfection, taking a swift aim at a droid. Upon shooting the droid's head clean off, he admitted he felt disappointed that there was no blood and for only a second, his blaster sauntered to aim at something that would bleed, he thought about how unsuspecting that warrior was, how trusting they were, how vulnerable they were. But as he zoned back in, his blaster pointed away from the Jedi, and to a bug instead.

He couldn't tell you what happened next, so lost in his own mind. He couldn't tell you how he ended up on a gunship, or how he ended up falling out and running with a woman. "The safety's still on" Rex commented as they ran in the hot sand.

The woman nodded as they ran, she allowed herself to relax and accept she was almost off this riddened planet. "I'm Padme," she spoke, "Padme Amidala"

As they ran, Rex turned to her. An introduction. She was introducing herself? Right now? "Lovely to meet you ma'am." Rex simply said, "We're about 17 clicks away from where we ought to be" he informed her.

Padme took some offense to his brushing off, "Well, aren't you going to introduce yourself?" She asked, trying to spark a conversation yet again, "You surely have one, don't you?" There was a kindness in her voice. Through staggering breaths there lay no traces of sarcasm or annoyance, just curiosity and kindness.

Rex let out a sigh as he stopped, offering her the last of his water, which she graciously took. He took off his helmet and wiped his face, looking to her, "Rex, ma'am, the name's Rex" he answered.

Padme stook out her hand and when Rex shook it in return, she smiled and what a smile it was. "It's a pleasure to meet you, Rex. Your name is wonderful, does it have a special meaning?" She asked him.

Rex put his helmet back on after she spoke, taken aback by her question, "Oh, well, I mean," he stopped to think, his brain still, "Everyone kinda associates my name with the meaning of king now that I think about it." He then looked to her, "Are you ready to continue?"

Padme nodded, clearly intrigued. But she knew they'd have their time to talk. So she agreed to get a move on before trouble came.

Sure, most times he talked to his brothers, but not for long. He spent his time getting ahead, staying late at target practice and reading all he can. He'd become a robot. His stoic ways earned him his name:

Rex, meaning King; to act unpleasantly superior.But he didn't act it, he simply was. Quiet enough to not seem domineering, but he exceled. He was so much better than his clone peers, so naturally it taunted his brothers. Someone completely identical to them, but was just simply more skilled.

He jumped when he heard a blaster go off. He turned to Padme to see her holding a recently fired blaster at a bug. Rex pulled out his in reaction and shot three coming towards them. "Get down!" He screamed as the geonosians came swooping down.

Padme fell to the warm sand as he ordered, she almost resented it, but he was doing his job, she ought to do hers. Rex was her shield, but she wasn't defenseless. So she fought. "Grab my hand." He told her, holding out his hand, Padme saw the jagged stones stuck in his palm, she would've said something but he'd taken off running once he felt her grip. "We're shootin' our way outta here!"

They ran, feet sinking as they headed down hill. They were in too open of a position to not stay focused on the battle. As they reached the top of another sand hill twenty bugs were attacking. Rex dropped his blaster, resorting to his fists. Padme picked up the fallen weapon, having his back.

Rex punched the heads of four bugs up, taking a satisfaction in the crack. He then kicked the chest of a bug, sending it back as he stood on it, then jump kicking two more, smashing hard to the bug underneath him. He was swift to his feet, just in time to catch his blaster from Padme, then shooting what he thought was the last droid. He then felt a numbing pain in his abdomen and Padme's blaster going off.

"Rex!" She screamed as she watched him stumble to the ground. He got shot, he was bleeding. Rex looked down at his wounded abdomen. He grabbed his com, "CT-7567, I'm with Padme Amidala from the arena. Geonosians attacked us and I've sustained a blaster wound to my abdomen, keep an eye for her, I have a feeling more of those bugs will be coming" He mumbled, taking off his helmet.

Padme's eyes went wide, "What did you mean by that?" She asked, keep an eye for her?! "Why didn't you ask for a pick-up?" She exclaimed. Rex shook his head, she'd mistaken his role.

"My job was to protect you, Ma'am, I failed, so you must continue without me" he spoke as he handed her his helmet and blaster, "Keep going, you're almost there"

Padme shook her head. "Why would I leave you?" She asked, refusing to take his helmet. When he went to sit up, she rushed to help him, "I'm not leaving you here to die"

Rex let out a bloody chuckle, "Ma'am, thank you, but if those bugs come back, I'll only slow you down." He spoke through short, pained breaths, "I'll be fine, I did what I was supposed to do, now you go do what you're supposed to do."

"NO!" She screamed. She'd felt so helpless lately. Anakin's mother died, Anakin spiraling and then Geonosis. She didn't know if Anakin was alright or if Obi-Wan was okay. She couldn't do anything! Couldn't save anyone! But she could save him, she grabbed his com. "This is Padme Amidala of Naboo, I'm with Clone trooper escort Rex, we need a pick-up! We're three clicks southwest! We need a pick-up immediately! He's going to die if you don't get here!"

Rex let out a groan of pain. Oh, why did she care about him? He's suppose to die, death wasn't something new to him, he'd imagined it so much it felt more like a memory. "Ma'am, please, they're not going to come, I know they won't. Please, just go" he begged, clutching his wound, feeling the blood rising in his throat.

Padme turned to him, she was crying. "I already told you, I'm not leaving you" she huffed, ripping stray fabric from her attire to put pressure on his wound. "And my name is Padme, we should be on a first name basis." She added as she pressed tightly on Rex's bleeding abdomen, causing a grunt of pain to escape Rex's mouth.

"So.. Y-you want us to wait? P-pretend like someone's coming?" He muttered as his breathing picked up.

Padme nodded, "Yes, because someone is going to come. Now focus on your breathing" she ordered him

Rex shook his head as he fell into the sand, too weak to hold himself up any longer. Padme gasped in surprise as his head hit the sand. "I- think you should go" he mumbled in a pained whispere as he closed his eyes, his breath getting slower and shorter.

"Wh- no, no. No!" She screamed as tears poured down her face, hurrying to hold Rex, "You're not dying!" She screamed to the dying soldier. "Stop it!" She cried as she laid him down gently to hold more pressure.

Rex shook his head, barely opening his eyes, "T- thank you for caring about me, P- Padme" he took one last breath before falling unconscious. Padme let out a wail. No! He wasn't dying! She kept holding pressure as she bawled. He wasn't dead. Not yet. She checked his pulse, it was getting weaker, she needed to get his blood flowing. Next thing she knew, she was pounding her palms on his chest for what seemed like an eternity.

Padme continued this for several minutes before falling back, laying next to his dying body in the sand, she turned to him, watching him draw slow, dying breaths. Her tears continued to flood her eyes as she came to the realization she was going to have to leave him here, she couldn't carry his body. It would be lost to time in the sand, but then she heard something,

The sound of a ship

[itoshit]

So. If I sort out all the info you gave me, the Yamaguchi-gumi's leader is called Suguru Geto. Then we have the second biggest Yakuza family, the Sumiyoshi-Kai. Their leader is unknown to almost everyone, but the only noticeable feature is a scar he has on the right corner of his mouth. The Inagawa-Kai was led by Yami, but Sanzu took care of him, and they accepted to stay neutral in this mess.

Yes, exactly. And Geto is a sly and mean man. But it seems like the Sumiyoshi-Kai leader and his executives are not better.

Hm? What d'you mean by that?

I was usually well-informed concerning these things, but when it came to the Sumiyoshi-Kai family, too many mysteries surrounded them. They were purposely hiding important elements such as their identity.

It seems as if he had difficulties controlling his second in command. The man likes to deal with the missions on his own.

So why are they working together then?

I don't know, I just heard that he accepted to stay with the Sumiyoshi-Kai because he had to avenge himself against the Yamaguchi-gumi.

Or Suguru Geto.

Silence settled between her and I, both trying to comprehend everything. Many things were still blurred, and some were missing too. I could feel it. What Natalie told me wasn't completely logical, but we would have to go with what we had for now.

You told me that because you thought that offering an alliance to the Sumiyoshi-Kai would be a good idea, Natalie?

I do think so. But I also know that their leader loves to take the matter in his own hands, so you'll have to be prepared to get a negative response.

Hm. Before finishing this one, did the Yamaguchi-gumi ask you to be an escort again?

By the way Natalie looked away, I guessed the answer. I didn't like her, I hated her. But I despised this Suguru Geto more than her. Why didn't you tell us?

Because..., it would have meant to say goodbye to all the information you needed, Sano. And I couldn't do that.

What prevented you from leaving Japan, hm?

Vee.

It's Venus for you, actually.

Could I see her at some point? I need to talk with her and-

Don't ask me. I'm not the one who decides for her, I'll ask Vee. But if she refuses, I'm not gonna try to change her mind.

I spent the rest of the morning doing research with the Haitani by my side.

As the afternoon was around the corner, I decided to leave. My head was about to burst with all the new names and information. Driving to Vee's place, I smirked a bit. She would be happy with what I planned, I was sure of it.

Parking in front of her house, I jogged to the porch, knocking before opening the door. I didn't think Vee would actually mind me entering like that. Even if she was naked, it wasn't as if I'd never seen her body before.

Vee baby?

Hearing a laugh from the other side of her house, I frowned. One was hers, I recognised it. But the second one..., a man ?? What the fuck?

Walking quickly down the corridor, I leant on the door frame, a tight smile on my face.

Vee.

Startling her, I noticed how she turned to me, wiping a tear away from her cheek, while the man looked at me, an eyebrow raised.

Blood boiling in my veins, I breathed deeply, taking several steps to her. Wrapping my arm around Vee's waist and moving my other hand to her jaw, I slammed my lips against hers.

Forcing her mouth to open, I shoved my tongue inside. My hand found her ass. Her hands quickly went to my chest, trying to push me away, but she wasn't really convincing. Her nails were caressing my shoulders, and smirking into the kiss, I opened my eyes throwing a glance at the fucker.

Looking away, he scratched his neck. He was embarrassed, good.

Detaching myself from Vee but keeping her close to my body, I smiled smugly at him.

Sorry, I haven't seen my girlfriend since yesterday. And you are...?

-Mikey

Hehehe does jealous Mikey mean jealous sex??

Mikey was waiting for an answer from Paul, who looked ready to let the ground swallow him whole. And I couldn’t offer much help, still dazed from the kiss Mikey gave me. Possessive prick, I knew he felt me trying to pull away.

I’m Paul, Venus’ new neighbor, he said as he stood, reaching a hand out to Mikey to shake. Rude as ever, my boyfriend only looked at it, but made no moves to return the gesture. I discreetly pinched him to get him to just shake the man’s damn hand but he didn’t budge.

I’m her boyfriend.

I could feel Paul’s gaze on me, like he was trying to find the truth of the statement in my eyes. Baby, don’t look at me! This is your interrogation, not mine. Um, I asked her to give my kitten a checkup before I took her home. He pointed downward at Lex who was trying to waddle her way up to Mikey and I, meowing as if to announce she was still here. Her name is Lex. Venus gave her the name.

She did? Mikey repeated and I nearly kicked Paul out of the house right there. He was obviously trying to get me into some kind of trouble, but I wanted nothing to do with the kind of trouble Mikey’d bring. Nope. Your girlfriend was not involved.

S’not like that, I mumbled, scooping Lex up and handing her to Paul. She squirmed in his arms, mewling at me with her pretty blue eyes. She truly was an adorable cat. Giving him all the results I gathered from her checkups today, I handed Paul a small white paper bag. Her results are in there. She’s healthy, and looks to stay that way. I packed some soluble and non soluble vitamins to assist her growth and some toothpaste for her breath. I also have little packets of formula so you can give her milk if you’d like. And don’t forget you have to come back to the vet for the paperwork.

Thank you, Venus. I’ll see you around.

No problem, I said, following him to the door. I didn’t have the heart to tell him I’d be moving in with the fuming man beside me by the end of the month, and I was kinda surprised Mikey didn’t jump at the opportunity either. I just wanted him out of my house. Now. Mikey was already mad— I could feel it. It was safer to get the guy out now before the guns started blazing.

Clearly Paul didn’t understand the urgency. He turned around right before he could read the door, one hand digging in his pockets. I almost forgot to pay you.

Don’t worry abo- Paul’s hand was already leaving his pockets as I started to speak, but Mikey cut me off. Pay her.

Paul’s hand froze. I-

She was off today. She didn’t have to do shit for your cat, especially not for free. So pay her.

Tensions were rising and I wanted no parts. How about you pay for everything at the vet when you stop by? Deal? Deal. I didn’t wait for an answer, quickly ushering him out of the door with hasty goodbyes and clicking the lock in place when he was fully out.

Crisis averted, but Mikey was still mad. Problem was, I was mad too. And embarrassed. I ignored Mikey as he called for me, cleaning up the area everyone was just in. I continued ignoring him as I returned things to their rightful drawers, bags and cabinets. It was calming in a sense, and I was a bit ready to explain everything to him by the time I had put up my last kit.

Manji-

The words got caught in my throat. He was right in front of my face when I turned around, most likely at my heels from I first started to move.

[pkg4mumtown]

Welcome to Hawkins PD (Ch. 2)

Chapter Title: Welcome to Hawkins PD

Chapter 2 of 9?

Read Chapter 1 HERE

AN: Don’t ask me why I’m torturing myself by doing 1st person cover art, now. I have roughly 9 chapters outlined so far and it probably won’t go more than that. Hope you enjoy.

Warnings: Smoking, cursing, Hopper trying to be funny

Summary: You get to know your Chief a bit more as you make your way into Hawkins.

Taglist: @kingphillipblake​

If you'd like to be in my taglist (for this fic or everything) or removed, lmk. I'm not tagging anyone I had on my "all writing" list last year because I don't know if they still feel the same!

The start of the drive was uncomfortably tense. My nervousness was more obvious as I took my sunglasses off, allowing the Chief to see my eyes darting around the cab. I eventually let my gaze focus on the passing trees and forestry, getting lost in the green blur.

“Not too chatty, huh? We’ll get along just fine,” Hopper smirked as he basically asked and answered himself. He glanced at me for any kind of reaction, instead seeing me zoned out, “You okay, kid?”

I hadn’t been intentionally ignoring him but was snapped out of my stupor by the word “kid” hanging in the air.

“Kid?” he asked again.

“I’m not a kid,” I snapped and crossed my arms. I mumbled under my breath, hoping he wouldn’t yell at me as the words left my mouth, “I’m twenty-seven years old for Christ’s sake.”

Hopper simply raised his eyebrows and scoffed, “Sure got the hearing of one.” He tapped his steering wheel rhythmically and pursed his lips, “Twenty-seven, huh?”

“Mhmm, why?”

“Just older than what usually passes through the academy is all,” he shrugged.

“Yea, well, I tried to be a good little secretary and then a telephone operator just like mom and dad said but…” I trailed off.

“But what?”

“I fucking hated it, sir,” I sighed, suddenly remembering my manners. “When I told them I wanted to join a police department, they figured I meant as a secretary or a dispatcher. Imagine their horror when I packed up and told them their little girl was off to be a cop.”

“Old fashioned folks,” Hopper nodded.

“Still not an excuse, sir,” I grumbled.

“You can drop the ‘sir’ act, Y/L/N. You’re not a recruit anymore. ‘Chief’ or ‘Hopper’ work just fine at our station.”

“Sorry, s—Chief,” I murmured.

“It’s fine,” he brushed it off with a wave of his hand. “So, they didn’t come to your graduation?”

“Nope,” I punctuated by popping the “p”.

“Christ, I’m sorry…”

“My best friend came, at least. She got me these,” I smiled, pointing to the glasses that hung from my uniform.

Hopper chuckled at the sight of the glasses mimicking his own, “Yea, that’s a necessary part of the uniform. Next is the hat,” he tilted the brim down and winked.

I let out a not-so-feminine snort as both of our laughter filled the truck. I was worried I’d been too rude before, so I was grateful for the break in tension. I covered my mouth as I laughed, feeling Hopper’s stare as his chest vibrated.

“What?” I asked as I caught him staring instead of paying attention to the empty road.

“Nothin', just the first time I’ve seen you laugh. You’ve been so serious up until now,” he looked away quickly. “It looks good on you, y’know?” he added, his voice barely a murmur.

I felt my face heat up at his words and if his ears were any indication, he was embarrassed as well. I didn’t have to be a detective to see that. I cleared my throat and murmured my thanks before growing silent again.

“So, um, they help you get set up with a place in town already?” Hopper changed the subject.

“Uh, no, I’m gonna stay at a motel for a couple days while I get that and transportation sorted.”

“What!? No, no, no, no,” he replied quickly. “Trust me, you don’t want any part of those motels,” Hopper gave me a terrified glance, like he’d definitely seen some shit there. “I’ve got a trailer I moved out of that you can rent from me.”

“Chief, really, it’s okay. I can—”

“Y/L/N,” he cut me off with a pointed glare. “You can stay there as long as you want or until you find somewhere better. I’m not gonna charge you an arm and a leg for rent,” he reassured me.

“Thanks, I really appreciate that,” I gave him a small smile.

“Hey, I’m not as big a jerk as everyone says I am, alright?” Hopper grumbled.

“Who says that?”

“You’ll see,” he shook his head and sighed. “We can swing by the utilities office when we get there and get everything turned on for ya.”

The rest of the drive managed to fly by as we chatted, nothing too personal and mostly more about me than him. He drove me to the trailer after getting everything sorted out with the utilities and setting me up to make payments. The long driveway to the trailer crunched under his tires but the bumpy ride was worth the view in the secluded area.

“This is it,” he grunted as he put the Blazer in park.

“This view is great, why’d you move?” I asked as I took in the surroundings and spotted the lake behind the trailer.

“Eh, it’s just too small,” he motioned towards his torso with his hand.

I rose an eyebrow at him, letting my gaze land on his torso, flick over to the trailer, and back over to his face, “You’re not that big.”

“You know,” he started with a mischievous grin as he opened the driver’s side door, “a less secure man would have taken offense to that.”

“Chief!” was all I could manage to berate him with as he turned away from me and broke out in to laughter.

We jumped out of the truck at the same time and this time I didn’t protest when he offered to help me with my bags. His keys jingled softly as he stomped up the stairs and unlocked the door to the trailer. Hopper and his obscenely thick fingers fought with the keyring for a moment before finally freeing the key and handing it over to me.

“Here,” he murmured and held the metal between two fingers, effectively dwarfing the key, “and there’s a spare key under the first step,” he nodded outside.

Hopper took a couple spins around the living room and sniffled loudly, “Little musty, sorry. Um, I left quite a few things here, so it might just need some picking up and dusting. I kinda moved in a hurry.”

“It’s not a problem, it’ll give me something to do, Chief,” I reassured him.

We fell into an awkward silence, causing Hopper to step semi-discreetly to the door. He fished his pockets for his business card as he spoke, “Well, uh, if you need anything…”

I graciously accepted the card from him, “Actually, Chief, d'ya happen to have a map on you? So, I can figure my way around this place by Monday?”

“Shit, what am I thinking?” Hopper murmured to himself, realizing he’d just dropped me off seemingly in the middle of nowhere without a sense of direction. His brows knitted together in thought, making his thinking face look angry, “I can show you around right now if you want? Maybe grab lunch while we’re at it as a…congrats?” His lips pushed up and his eyes squinted as he waited for my answer.

“You don’t have to do that, really. I’m sure you have better things to do on a Saturday,” I tried to refuse. “I can manage with just a map.”

“My daughter is at her friend’s house, so I would either sit at the station bored off my ass or drink myself to sleep at home,” Hopper pursed his lips and feigned thinking with his hands on his hips, “Or I can give you a welcome tour.”

I laughed at this ridiculous man and his antics and finally relented, “Fine, but let me change at least.”

Hopper agreed and showed me the rest of the trailer. It was hard not to imagine this hulking man living in this tight trailer as he effortlessly stalked through the rooms. I could almost see his body engulfing the small couch or his broad shoulders bumping walls when he’d get drunk. The tour ended in the bedroom with a bare mattress and the floor littered with the odd empty pack of cigarettes. I tossed my duffel on the bed and started sifting through the civilian clothes I had packed. I heard Hopper open the closet and make a low noise of surprise.

“Hey, I left clothes here,” he held up a red flannel shirt from the closet, which contained a couple pairs of pants and a few random shirts. “A change wouldn’t hurt, nothing happens on the weekends,” Hopper brought the shirt to his nose and grimaced, but shrugged and piled it in one arm anyway. “If this shit gets in your way, feel free to throw it in a bag and chuck it in my office.”

I had pulled out jeans, a shirt, and a sweater and laid them on the bed. By the time Hopper turned back around with his findings, I had halfway unbuttoned my uniform shirt without thinking twice.

“Woah, woah, woah!” Hopper held up his free hand to his eyes right away. “At least let me leave first, Y/L/N! For Pete's sake…” Hopper felt his way out of the room, nearly tripping when his foot caught on the threshold.

As we got back in the Blazer, Hopper chucked his uniform in the back seat. He fetched a pack of Camels from his pocket and held them up in question.

“Mind?”

“Not if I can bum one off you, Chief,” I smirked, grabbing my bun and releasing my hair from its confines. I slipped my hair tie around my wrist and shook my hair out, not really caring how it looked, only that my scalp could breathe.

The corner of Hopper’s mouth turned up before he was shaking the box and pulling out a cigarette. He let it rest between his lips, then turned the box toward me so I could grab one for myself.

“First things first,” he mumbled around the cigarette while lighting it. I leaned my head forward as he brought the lighter towards me. After, I leaned back in my seat, hearing the snap of the lighter closing before I saw his hand extending towards me. “Jim,” his lips closed loosely to avoid dropping the cigarette as he waited with an open palm.

I shook his offered hand, fighting the urge explore the ridges of his palm, “Y/N.”

We took off in the direction of town, silently filling the Blazer with smoke. I tried my best to memorize my surroundings as Hopper pointed out different stores and buildings. He rambled about the owners of certain places, far more than just a Chief might know.

“You grow up here?” I wondered aloud.

“Yea,” he let out a silent laugh, releasing smoke from his lungs as he did. “Moved back about six years ago or so. Good catch.”

We pulled into the diner parking lot, just as my cigarette reached its end, “Damn, I’m sad that’s gone,” I spoke mainly to myself.

“Yea, Bridge got mad at me for trying to bring one when I visited ILEA a month back. How long were you deprived?” Hopper joked while getting out of the car.

“Mm, four months and change,” I answered slowly as if I was unsure.

“Ouch,” he grimaced and stepped ahead of me to open the diner door like it was the most natural thing in the world.

I pushed down my tendency to blush but failed, instead using my hair to block my cheeks from Hopper's eyes. What can I say? I had a thing for old fashioned manners.

He nodded a silent greeting to a waitress and made a beeline for an empty booth, because I guess when you’re the Chief you can just do that. After receiving an odd look from the waitress as we ordered drinks and more stares from women in the diner, I shifted in my seat uncomfortably. The waitress came back around to take our food orders and drop off our drinks, my drink earning me a mocking eyebrow from Hopper.

“Milkshake? Really?” he choked out a laugh around his cup of coffee.

“Excuse me, I’m still allowed the rest of the day to celebrate, Chief,” I replied with an air of pride and a smidgen of sass as I wrapped my lips around the straw.

“You’re right, you’re right,” he chuckled and shook his head, staring down at his coffee and then glancing out the window in a quick canvas.

“Thank you, though,” I started, causing him to meet my eyes. “Thank you for celebrating with me when my own family wouldn’t.”

Hopper swirled his coffee before speaking, “Guess you could say…we’re your family, now.” He raised the mug up and toward me, so I did the same with my glass. He tapped our glasses together in a toast and let a satisfied smile spread over his lips, “Welcome to Hawkins PD.”

I nodded enthusiastically and brought the straw back to my mouth, “Yea, I'll drink to that.”

I sipped on the shake, casually glancing around the dining area and seeing quickly averted eyes. I chewed my straw and furrowed my brows in thought. I’d been silently pondering for so long that I hadn’t realized Hopper was watching the wheels turn in my head.

“What’s up?”

“Mm,” I made a noise indicating I’d heard him as I swallowed. “Why am I being stared at by every woman here?”

“Well,” he cleared his throat, “Small town, new face…women gossip, is the first reason.”

“And the second?”

Hopper took a deep breath through his nose, “Remember when I said that everyone thinks I’m a jerk?”

I simply nodded in understanding.

“Well, ‘everyone’ meant…women.”

We sat in silence for a few seconds while his words washed over me. My eyebrows flew up as I realized what he meant while my hand moved to hide my laughter.

“No!” I gasped in amused shock behind my hand as I deciphered his words.

“Yeah,” he rubbed his brow and grimaced at my shocked face.

I leaned forward on my elbows, smiling widely. His playfully forlorn face told me he knew I’d figured it out and was waiting for the impending grief I was going to lay on him. “Chief…you’re a slut?” I couldn’t hold back the giggle that escaped my lips.

“Correction, I used to be a slut, alright?” he rolled his eyes. “I stopped when I adopted my daughter.”

“Mhmm,” I raised an eyebrow at him as if I didn’t believe him.

“I’m serious!”

After eating, fighting over paying for lunch (a fight he won), and taking me to the grocery store (yet another fight he won), we pulled up to the trailer. Hopper helped me take the bags inside and lingered in the living room.

“If I have any questions,” I showed him the map I stole from his Blazer, “I’ll call you.”

“I’ll keep an ear out,” he smirked and opened the trailer door.

I held the door open as he walked out, stopping when I spoke up, “Wish me luck buying my own car tomorrow.”

Hopper stopped in his tracks and turned around, “What were you gonna do? Walk to the dealership?”

“Uh, bus?”

“No,” he shook his head, turned, and kept walking, “I’ll pick you up at ten tomorrow.”

“Chief!” I protested, but he kept walking to his Blazer.

“They’re less likely to haggle you if the Chief of Police is there, alright!?” he shouted back, not giving me another chance to speak as he got in the truck.

Chapter 3

Hopper stuck his arm out of the window, offering a passive wave of his hand and a smile as he turned the truck around. I leaned against the doorframe and waved back, wondering how in the hell I was supposed to survive a career next to Jim Hopper.

[dirhwangdaseul-archived]

Man am I glad that at least some people gets it. I'm kinda baffled that some people seem to think that the whole issue here is the fact that they're both men & that TJ keeps refering to his mom - which is clearly something they both used as an excuse? Not only because the issue have been mentionned every episode, but especially when ep5 litteraly begins with TJ shocked/pissed at Gook for just following his dumb order to walk home. It needs to be resolved. Anyway, nice handle you got there on FB.

Lol the handle was just an example for my students to teach them to make Facebook pages, I forget everytime I check that page that I gave it that name.

Also thank you, Im sure other people see it, I've seen some posts a little bit more conscious about what the master/servant relationship means for their actual freedom.

And yeah episode 5 is heavy on that differentiation, it exemplifies what kind of freedom Gook has known under Tae Joo, it's honestly so blurred and it must be so close to the surface, the tension that is lurking whenever one of them wants to push the line.

And in episode 6, I feel like Gook's cruelty hides no lies, because for a week he got to feel free, without having to put someone's needs or feelings first, he could be himself, @brydeswhale pointed out that even in his free time he's watched by Tae Joo, he's sculpting and Tae Joo is there, watching, insidiously, how many other times has he done it? And even if Gook accepts it, does he think that Gook does not want a moment for himself, and that, that has its own sinister tone, because when is he alone, when is he on his own forreal, not even on Gook's date, a private matter, could Tae Joo contain himself from being there.

I mean it's a bit sick that Tae Joo doesn't realize how chained Gook feels but sadly I get it, he was raised with the privilege of forgetting that there's other people with dreams, ideas and feelings different to his own, and Gook may have played his role so well that Tae Joo could forget Gook's not an extension of himself. And the sad part is that Tae Joo expects Gook to accept that they're stuck with each forever, since he said LIFELONG, but that also shows how oblivious he is towards the position that Gook fulfills, so he misses the resentment, and anger, and the little fight that Gook still has against what seems destined. Damn this show is dramatic...

And as for the mom, I actually feel it's ambiguous, it does seem like an excuse for Tae Joo to call Gook closer in knowing Gook would detect it as a sensitive topic and try to help in any form. However, I do feel it encapsulates in verbal form the loneliness of Tae Joo, he clearly feels isolated by whatever situation that prevents them from socializing with other people, since it seems to have been jsut the two of them for a while now.

And just... Pfft I could ramble about them forever, it's so raw what Where your eyes linger is creating and I truly love it so much, but fuck if it doesn't hurt to see them so puppetered by some unnamed force and just resenting each other for it and not being able to get out. Sorry for this, whew.

I do think I abuse this image a lot but I believe I'll look back a lot on Where your eyes linger for its raw power.

[caasiturner]

Love Is a Four Letter Word.

I must start this off by apologizing. This will most likely be one of the most rambling things I will ever compose. I have been pondering the meaning of this word “Love”, what it means to actually define it, and/or live it out or truly believe it.

Today’s society would say love is a feeling or a physical act. It’s being happy with a person, sex, having intimacy, etc. Others would say it’s not real, it’s simply an influx of chemicals to our brain.

Well. Here’s a fun quote.

“Love is a misunderstanding between two fools”

-Oscar Wilde

Wow. Way to be really hopeful there bud.

Well I want to know what this thing really is, I want to know what emotion causes these countless songs, these beautiful films and shows, and has started many a war.

(Please Pause and play the song 'I Want To Know What Love Is’ by Foreigner now. Done now? Ok good). 

The opposite of fear....is love.

To love is to be brave. It means being willing to put your heart and your emotions out on the line. It means you’re willing to be broken, to face danger, to face heart ache and all sorts of negative emotions.

The opposite of fear....is love. 

If you truly love something you don’t fear it. I don’t fear potatoes. I wouldn’t say I love them, but I don’t fear them. They taste good and can be made into many different dishes and are awesome with ketchup. Sorry. The Irish is talking.

I do fear relationships though. I fear the inevitable end. The thought of the girl I have been with on top of someone else, throwing away all our memories and chalking them up as a blur from her past, that scares me. I fear the moment when that girl realizes she no longer wants me and that I actually make her extremely unhappy.

I have had three girls tell me they love me. Nearly every time it was an accident. The first, I’m pretty sure I said it first and over text. High school Isaac was not know for his smoothness. The second time was in a college dorm room as I was hanging out with this girl. I later found out she had a boyfriend so that made things a bit awkward. Also btw, she chose him over me. In her words, I was safe option and she wanted to be free of commitment. The last time was in my car last year Halloween. My girlfriend at the time and I had just gotten back to her place and I said something corny and sweet and it slipped right out of her mouth. It took me a moment because I didn’t realize how serious she wanted things, but I quickly said it back as I realized my feelings were the same.

You never forget the last time a person says “I love you” to you. My high school sweetheart said it right before she walked out of my college apartment and out of my life. The second girl says it on a regular basis but it is as a friend way. My last girlfriend said it as I walked her to her car before we broke up via face time two days later. When I close my eyes, I can still picture the scene. What each girl was wearing, what the weather was, the hope I had in my heart that everything would work out. The tremendous love I had for them.

The opposite of fear....is love. 

To be honest. I don’t know if I’ve ever truly loved another girl. According to this quote, the opposite of fear is love and I have always feared. If you love you don’t fear. You don’t fear the future, you don’t fear their past no matter how awful it may have been, and you certainly don’t fear the present moment with them.  You don’t fear baring your soul to them, you don’t fear communicating to them your hurts and faults no matter how they respond, you don’t fear your relationship failing because you hope in all things. Love is not fearing despite the circumstance.

Maybe I’m the problem. I fear loving and allowing myself to be loved.

I used to joke around with my girlfriends and be like “You don’t love me”. I meant it as a joke, but maybe I was really trying to cover up an insecurity.

Love is sacrifice.

I hear that one all the time. Especially from old people. LoVe iS SaCrFiCe. haha. Sorry. It’s just so over said. But I suppose it’s true.

Love is laying down your desires. If I had my way I’d sleep till 10:30am every day and be up till 2am the next morning. Every girl I’ve ever dated is a morning person and loves breakfast. I was not good at sacrificing my sleeping for them. Sacrifice means travelling. I would drive every weekend to Stevens Point to see my girl. I even did it in the middle of a freaking blizzard, where I couldn’t see a thing and I could only go 15 mph. And we were fighting at the time! I had no reason to sacrifice my safety, except I wanted her in my life. Not patting myself on the back, but at least I did that right.

Love is sacrifice.

It takes alot of time. It takes money that I would rather spend on tattoos or I don’t know. Dune Buggies. Onion Rings. Skateboards.

Love takes a lot of courage.You have to sacrifice and be willing to open up and communicate. You have to be willing to put your soul on the line and let another rip it to shreds should they wish.

You will have to sacrifice your pride and lose a few fights. You may have to compromise on some issues. You may have to stop being stingy. I’m so awful at all three of those things. I love to win. I don’t like being wrong. I don’t like being broke.

Love is sacrifice.

Love is scary, man. I once jumped off a fifteen foot cliff into water and white water rafted just because I thought I loved a girl. That was sacrifice. Sacrifice of my comfort and being willing to put myself out there because it made her happy.

(Note: Both sides should be doing this. Not just the man should be compromising and sacrificing. Sorry you crazy feminists).

Love is meeting another right where they are, accepting them, and helping them move to a higher plane.

It’s not a feeling or an action. Those just make up Love. It’s kinda like a car. Love is the car. The feelings and actions and intimacy and whatever are the tires, the gas, the oil, etc. Love is a struggle. It;s not easy changing oil in the dead of winter. But love keeps going when the feelings are gone and there seems no reason to stay (this excludes abusive relationships). It’s work to put on new tires, but I would rather do that than try and buy a new car. Sure, it’s easy to quit on a relationship, but the loans I took out (aka the emotions and mental investment) are worth the bit of pain I may have to go through. I think most relationships quit because the accessories are gone. You’ve grown discontent, you've tried to change the other, etc. when really you just need to get back to the basics.

sacrificing sucks in the moment. But the future investment is so worth it. Think of sacrificing for your s/o like sacrificing for a doctorate degree. In the moment it blows. You’re steep in debt, you study all the time, you have no social life. But in the end...You make a ton of money and have an awesome job. The short sacrifice equals a long reward.

Love is meeting another right where they are, accepting them, and helping them move to a higher plane. 

Helping. Not forcing. Not molding. Not making. Helping. As in working with them. Holding their hand as they take steps forward. Meeting them with all their hurts, all their baggage, all their pain...and accepting them. Not fixing them. Just being there and saying “I accept you for where you are” and having your actions follow that.

Accepting. Accepting the fact they may have made countless mistakes before they met you. Accepting that They may have made questionable decisions, ended up in too many wrong beds, snorted up too many substances. But accepting that as their past. loving them for where they are and then helping them move forward.

I try to make the movement happen in an instant. I am not good at waiting, being patient, slowly building trust and then helping them take steps forward. I'm not good at Accepting when they make mistakes and then restarting the process again.

Obviously, I am no expert in any of the advice I have written as I am still single, but then again “coaches don’t play.”

I already regret typing that. 

The Bible says the attributes of Love is, “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.” (1 Cor. 13) 

That’s deep. Even if you’re not religious, you gotta admit that’s deep. I’m certainty not those things. In fact, 90% of the time in my relationships I am the complete opposite of those things.

But I don’t want to be that way. I want to love. I don’t want that word to be sour in my mouth, or something I am ashamed to say. I don’t want to fear the implications of saying that word, and be afraid of the rejection. I want to sacrifice and dote on another. I want to learn from my mistakes of trying to fix people and force them into my "model" girl.

Point is, if someone is worth something to you, there will be pain. Life sucks, so thus loving sucks to. But If I can have even half of the happiness in the good relationships I have seen...I’ll be happy.

Love may be a four letter word, but I want to say it.

I want to say it endless times to someone that will say it endlessly back no matter how awful life gets around us.

Till then dear one,

Much Love.