#it's just that y'know once you process all that trauma

[edwardshundredyearoldspunk]

what if I told you fifteen is actually suicidal? what if I told you his little speech about having felt everything and having experienced everything is the main source of his trauma? what it I told you he feels lost, aimless, thinks he has no purpose? what if I told you he's fucking bored with life? what it I told you he is almost definitely going to start engaging in impulsive thrill seeking behavior just to feel something? and what if I told you that, just like how rose was there to pull nine back from his anger, ruby is there to pull fifteen back from his apathy just by being so alive?

[happilychee]

how good I think fairy tail characters are at traveling pt. 1

♡ gray fullbuster -> he's calm and reliable; he'll check the route before the trip and always have a map on hand to make sure you're going the right way. overall a 9/10 experience. -1 point because he doesn't make time to stop and look at trinkets >:(

*this is if you're traveling just with him though. if you add basically anyone else, including natsu, cana, loke, or lucy, gray will become completely distracted and you might never get to your destination.

♡ erza scarlet -> she'll get you to your destination. you might obtain life-altering trauma, bury a body, and become a local eldtritch legend, but you will get to your destination. 8/10 if you don't mind coming out of the experience Changed.

♡ mirajane strauss -> this can go one of two ways. if you're with other people, mira goes into Big Sister Mode, and you will get to your destination with minimal shenanigans. she does factor in Trinket Time, so overall a 10/10 experience. if it's just mira, though, prepare to go on a spiritual rollercoaster. no plans, no tickets, no maps, just vibes. mira likes to explore new towns and cities without worrying about a schedule or keeping track of other people. she has disappeared for a week straight to just wander around fiore. it's about the journey, not the destination, y'know?

♡ lucy heartfilia -> this poor girl isn't directionally challenged but she is financially challenged. will accidentally spend your train money on a cute necklace in whatever town you're stopping in. she's a good travel companion, willing to socialize with the locals and find out the best sight-seeing and restaurant spots. allocates a bit too much time for Trinkets. you'll probably arrive at your destination with empty pockets but full hearts (and shopping bags.) a 7.5/10, could be higher or lower depending on how much you value your wallet.

♡ natsu dragneel -> just give up. if he doesn't scoop you up in his arms as happy flies the two of you in the completely wrong direction, natsu's probably wandering off without you. gets distracted by everything: food, shiny objects, bickering people. you're working double time to get to your destination in one piece AND not lose natsu in the process. a 4/10 that can be upgraded to a 6 or 7 if you buy him a fire-resistant leash backpack.

♡ sting eucliffe -> surprisingly, he's the one coordinating your trip. all cheery smiles and lighthearted jokes, he makes it look easy. you don't even know what train you're getting on or how long the ride is, you just trust sting. he's charming everyone: the train conductor, the old ladies at the market stalls, the young ticket seller at the station. all of that completely disappears once you get on the train and sting is reduced to a nauseous puddle of dragon slayer. 10/10 experience as long as he doesn't throw up on you <2

♡ gajeel levy and pantherlily -> where's gajeel? you don't know. he was supposed to be at the station half an hour ago, he won't answer his lacrima, he's gone off the map. don't worry, though, levy and pantherlily will keep you company. 2/10 for gajeel. the worst part is, he shows up at your destination before you! he didn't even take the train or fly with lily! he's just... there somehow.

[eeveebitches]

collared. || Roman Roy || smut

Pairing: Sub!Roman Roy x F!Dom!Reader Summary: You have a gift for Roman, and he seems to enjoy it.

Word count: 2.496

18+ only! More under the cut ^^~

Warning(s): SMUT, aka 18+ only! Sub Roman, degradation, collar and leash stuff, coming untouched/in pants, aftercare

Summary: You have a gift for Roman, and he seems to enjoy it.

A/n: wrote this in a haze and now its here so yippee. this is also on my AO3 btw :D

_______________________

"Romes, c'mon, just open it!"

You watch him fumble around with the sleek, black gift box, his nervous laughter filling your living room. "Fuck off, I will, I'm just making sure this isn't a fucking bomb you put to kill me or something. You freaky assassin bitch," he jokes tensely, brows furrowing. In the dim lighting you can see his eyes glimmer in anticipation. "So this is like, what, a pair of panties for me to wear around the office or some shit? Or like, a cock ring? Do you like my dick so much you wanna marry it?"

All you do is shoot him a sharp look, but it's enough for him to raise his hands in defeat and start pulling at the tiny ribbon. "I guess romance isn't dead," he mumbles to himself as he struggles to pull at the ribbon's tail. With a roll of your eyes you snatch the box away from him, quickly untying the ribbon for him and handing it back to him just as swiftly.

"You can't do anything, can you?" There's clear humor in your tone, and yet you instantly pick up on the way his chest stutters and his forehead creases. All he can manage to let out is a small 'shut up' before he removes the top of the box, revealing your gift. You revel in the way he starts shifting in his seat, eyes glued to the content of the box.

Roman lets out something akin to a nervous chuckle, high-pitched and curt, as he grabs and raises the gift for you to see. "A collar? Seriously? That's like, majorly fucked up. My therapist is gonna hate your guts, because you just put his ass behind three years at the very least with this."

You watch him as he inspects the maroon red collar and its golden detailing. His hands are shaking as he messes with the buckle, despite his clear attempts at trying to still himself. "I even added a name tag for you," you hum out as you let your back meet the couch's pillows. Roman, on the other hand, shoots up, collar still in hand as he lets out an incredulous laugh.

"A fucking dog collar! You're one wicked bitch, y'know, seeing I told you about the cage shit. Or is this because I told you? Oh, fuck you, I shouldn't have told you that. I wouldn't have if I knew you were gonna do psychological mind games while my guard is, y'know, down."

He starts pacing around in front of you, the tag of his collar jingling as he waves his hands around during his rambles. "And I thought you were trying to be sweet, propose to my dick, have a Las Vegas wedding with it. I had little baby dick names ready for the fuckin' family I thought you were gonna build, but no, you target my childhood trauma instead. Real fuckin' classy, holy shit," he rambles on.

With each word he says, heat travels further and further from his neck up into his face, until his cheeks are left to burn brightly. Even in the darkness of night and dimness of your lights, you can pick up on just how red he is in the face. Every laugh he lets out between sentences becomes shorter, bouncier. It's like you're watching him melt right in front of you.

"So?"

His head whips to look at you. "'So?' Fucking 'so?'"

You stand up and walk to stand only inches away from him, a light grin gracing your features. "So do you want me to put it on for you, or...?"

Roman blinks once. Then twice, and then another dozen times as he processes your words. "It's a yes or no question, Roman, c'mon. Even you should be able to answer that."

"I, uh... god, fuck you," he groans out, eyes squeezed shut before looking down to stare at the collar in his palms as he hides from your heated gaze. Weakly, he hands you it, not making eye contact as he explains. "You spent money on the stupid thing, I don't want you to be a whiny baby about wasted cash."

You let out an unconvinced 'sure' as you take the collar from him. With repressed glee you caress the intricate stitching in the leather. You'd be lying to yourself if you said you hadn't immediately thought about Roman the moment you laid your eyes on the thing, knowing how nice it'd look around his neck. "Alright, then kneel in front of me."

Roman's line of sight rises to meet your own. He doesn't say anything, and neither do you. It takes all but four seconds for him to awkwardly kneel down, his dress pants clearly restricting his movements to a degree. "Jesus, you actually kneeled down. Embarrassing," you tell him as you unbuckle the collar, reveling in the way he quietly heaves at your words.

All it takes is a one-two movement to unbuckle it. You dangle the now open collar in front of Roman, a sadistic fire lighting in the pit of your stomach. "D'you want your collar?"

Quietly, he gives you a small nod. Not enough. "I can't hear you, Roman. Do you want your collar or not?" you hiss. The noise he makes is something between a grunt and a moan, his puppy-like eyes glossed over as he stares at the collar. "Use your words, mutt."

"H-ahh, fuck, yes please."

That's what you wanted to hear, so you bend down and carefully wrap the collar around his neck, taking your time as you buckle it back up. You make sure to let your nails "accidentally" scratch his neck as you mess with the tightness of it, watching his expression from the corner of your eye. He doesn't seem to be turning purple, and you're able to wriggle your fingers between the toughness of leather and scratchiness of his stubbly neck.

You back away from him, taking in the sight in front of you. He's already panting, hands awkwardly resting on his thighs. You can see his fingers tremble with anticipation as he occasionally fumbles with the fabric of his slacks. And god, that collar. The red contrasts beautifully against both his pale skin and light blue blouse. You watch the name tag bounce around with each of Roman's quivers, golden and glimmering, borderline hypnotizing.

The veins on his neck are also clearly visible now, though it's more because of the restraint he seems to be practicing, rather than the tightness of the collar. He clearly wants to say something, anything, but he's biting his tongue for you. "You look so handsome with your collar on. Does it feel nice?" you ask, taking slow steps to stand only inches away from him.

He nods his head with a breathy 'yes' as he looks up at you. With a gentle hand you play with his hair, messing it up even more than it previously was. He's always disheveled when he visits your apartment, blouse already buttoned down and sleeves messily rolled up as he unceremoniously throws himself onto your couch.

You hum in response, fingers carefully tangling in his hair as you look down at him. "God, you're really pathetic. Kneeling down with a fucking collar on, how would people react to this? Fucking disgusting."

"I know," he groans out, squeezing his eyes shut in a weak attempt at calming himself. "Oh, you know?And yet you still act like a bitch in heat in front of me. Is the thought of everyone knowing how disgusting you are really that arousing?"

As he squirms and groans you grab the best part of your gift ever-so carefully from behind your couch's pillows, and before he can react you clasp the matching leash onto his collar. "Romes, is this alright?" you quickly ask, and with a quick nod from him you continue. You carefully pull at it, laughing as Roman loses his balance and grabs onto your legs for support. "Now you're a proper bitch! You're probably hard as a rock by now as well, aren't you, freak?"

He doesn't say anything to you, just lets his bottom lip stutter as he takes in raspy breaths, barely nodding his head in confirmation. "Go ahead and loosen your pants, mutt," you snarl at him. Yet again you can't help but laugh at him as he unbuttons- and zips his trousers with an extreme urgency.

"It's sad how needy you are, really. All I needed was a collar and leash, and you're letting me push you around as if you aren't a fucking Roy. I should really contact a gossip site about this or something, or your siblings even," you think aloud, and the way Roman lets out a pathetic whine at the words makes your head spin.

With a wicked grin you yet again yank at the collar. You pause for a moment, waiting for the confirmation that he's still okay, and when he lets out a broken hum of approval you happily tug at it once more.

Each tug at his collar sends a shot of ecstasy through Roman's body, a feeling he wouldn't be able to compare to anything else. No money, nor business validation, nor closed deal can copy what you're doing to him now- what you're giving him. "Are you already close, mutt? Don't tell me you're gonna finish in your underwear just because of a simple tug. You're not that much of a perverted freak, are you?" He lets out a whiny 'I am', and as you look down at his lap you grin at the sight. Pre-cum is steadily leaking through his navy blue boxers, his painfully erect cock twitching from underneath the damp layer of fabric. 

You let your face morph into one of pure disgust as you strengthen your grip on the leash, lightly tugging at it as you watch Roman fall apart. "You gonna cum in your pants, Roman? Like the disgusting pervert you are?"

It's clear that he's having a hard time getting his words out. The feather-weight friction of the fabric of his boxers rubbing against him with every tiny movement he makes clearly is too much for him. There's even a slight bit of drool on the side of his mouth, wetting his pretty pink lips and making them shimmer. "C'mon, Roman, tell me if you're going to cum and admit you're disgusting," you taunt. It seems to do the trick, as his eyes screw shut and his breath falters. His face is as flushed as can be, hair tousled and forehead glimmering with sweat. Just the way you like him. 

"Fuck, 'm gonna cum," he fumbles out, sharp breaths turning into light moans as you deliver a final, harsh tug to his leash.

He releases with a loud gasp, followed by a low, strung-out moan as he messes up his underwear. You watch him as he lightly convulses with pleasure, body hunched as he takes in each wave of sensations. As his breaths slow down, you bend down and unclasp his leash, holding his burning face in your hands as you tut.

"Such a filthy pup, making a mess. I'll clean you up, alright?" Roman simply hums in response, eyes still closed as he leans into your touch. "You did so well for me," you tell him, kissing his forehead as you unbuckle and remove his collar.

Carefully, you hold onto him and help him stand up. His knees wobble, and his pants sag down a little, but he's managing. He lets out a hoarse chuckle, finally making eye contact with you again. "Jesus fuck, woman."

You smile at the words. He's clearly alright, and that's what matters most. "I know, I know. So you liked the gift?" you ask as you lead him to your bathroom. He shuffles along awkwardly, clearly bothered by the sensation of still wearing his underwear. "Don't fuckin' ask me that, my god. And can you make sure to use the, uhh, the vanilla soap you always use? I'm sticky as shit with sweat."

"And other stuff," you quip, letting Roman sit on your toilet's closed cover as you start running a bath. "Oh please, like your panties aren't absolutely soaked because of me," he replies, adorning his usual, clownish grin. "Uh-huh, you're a total pussy slayer, Romes."

He puffs up his chest and smacks it with flat palms, letting out forced grunts in his ultra-dominant ways. "I'm a total fuckin' alpha. Seriously, how you let me parade around the office by myself is fuckin' beyond me. You should be more worried about all the women that flash their tits at me through the windows," he says, carefully watching the bath foam up as you pour the soap in. 

"Maybe I should then just get you a collar with my name on it, force you to wear it at work and stuff," you mumble, more to yourself than to him, but he softly groans at the thought. "Maybe you should," he mumbles back, nibbling at his bottom lip as he looks away from you. All you reply with is a light chuckle.

You hum at the smell of vanilla permeating in your quant bathroom. You use the same soap for every day showers, mostly because Roman has been gifting you it ever since he first caught a whiff of it. "Want me to help you undress?"

Roman shakes his head, pulling down his pants and undergarments and quickly making work of the buttons of his blouse. He clearly struggles, though, hands still trembling as he can't get the buttons through the slots. "C'mere, lemme do those," you tell him, and he doesn't hesitate to sit back down on the toilet lid and watch you, bent down to properly reach the buttons.

"Thanks, mommy," he jokes in a mocking, slightly more high-pitched tone. "Don't call me mommy as if you aren't totally into the idea of it," you retort, winning you a partial victory as he sputters before mumbling a weak 'shut up'.

You watch Roman carefully enter the bath as you remove your own clothes. You make sure to grab both his and your underwear and throw it in the laundry bin, before stepping in and sitting behind him, his back resting against your chest.

With a bit of similarly scented shampoo you carefully wash and massage his hair, humming a vague tune as you do so. He falls quiet, as he usually does in moments like these, simply letting his eyes flutter shut as you take care of him.

"Was everything alright tonight? Nothing too much?" He lazily hums, clearly in a state of tranquil as you pamper him. "It was perfect, you were really fucking hot, aaand I came my fucking brains out untouched. No complaints here." 

You laugh at that, and with a small kiss to his bare neck you let yourself get lost in him.

"You were really hot, too."

[wrinkly-fucking-qtip]

i am neutral towards galladads (more so...towards no), but every so often i tangle with my personal takes (or what i'd love to see) and i wanna share. strap in, it's long. pt. 1

Ian doesn't push the thought of kids. They had a conversation about it after s11x12, but it took some time, it wasn't immediate. Basically, I think Ian relished the idea of being an uncle for a while. After all, it's always Mickey before anything.

They took care of Franny, Freddie (+upcoming kiddo), and Liam when they were asked to as favors. It subconsciously became this mental practice for them. Some unspoken tension kept rising, cause they felt the other was thinking the same thing but went unmentioned. Partially cause Ian decided not to press, and doing so meant breaking that threshold.

I think Mickey brought it up one day probably, Ian felt somewhat defensive at first, but since he always reminds Mickey about the importance of "communication," it'd bite him in the ass, so he gave in and spoke his truth. They had another conversation about it that ended in an agreement to see a "shrink." They started going, it was a deconstruction of years of trauma, fears, repressed emotions, y'know the drill.

Considering that they were between 25-27 when the show ended, I think they engaged in "intense" therapy for like 5-7 years maybe. Trying to talk through the bulks of it, for the purpose of parenting in the near future.

Through that time, they first contacted Debbie, had thoroughly researched artificial insemination (pls mickey thinking he would have to bang Debbie makes me cry 💀), had a lengthy talk with her. I haven't reached shameless far enough to know Debbie's character, but I think she probably gives them informed advice, a lot of "you guys sure you wanna do this??" And I don't think it stems from a place of objection, more so worry. I like to think she eventually caves in and accepts to help them when they're ready. She loves Ian, Ian loves Franny and Debbie (fuck JW for making it seem like he doesn't in s11) and Mickey and Debbie are besties.

(this is a huge reach but I ponder nonetheless) After thinking of Debbie, I think maybe Ian thinks of Mandy. I fully believe (like many other people) that Ian kept in touch with Mandy from time to time ever since she left, and at some point encouraged her and Mickey to reconnect. It's a slow process, but he knows both of them needed it and yearned for it deep down.

He breaks the news to her that they're gonna be parents at some point, sort of fills her in on the process and the years of therapy, gets Mickey to tell her anecdotes too or whatever. The thing is, at some point in the conversation, he yaps about how he has always wanted two, a boy and a girl (because Ian is a dork like that). That Debbie is only gonna do this once for now because...well that was the agreement, ofc, and he just doesn't wanna overwhelm Mick with two kids of their own even though that's what they practically baby sit.

Jokingly (at first), Mandy offers herself as a surrogate in case they aim for another kid. Ian sheepishly declines, that he couldn't ask her after everything she's been through, but Mandy reassures him that shit is different now. Times have changed, and that even though it's a big deal, she'd comply. Ian says he'll think about it, talk with Mick in case shit does happen as to not spook him. It was a pleasant talk.

He talks to Mickey and at first he doesn't know how to handle the thought of two kids, one of them from Mandy, and he almost feels like all this time in therapy could crumble down at the thought of Mandy being a surrogate. They have a long ass talk.

At the end Mickey affirms that he is open to the responsibility of two kids. The whole thing goes like Ian telling him he doesn't have to do this, that he's fine with just one and that he doesn't have to comply just because Ian would love two kids, and Mickey being like "all these years and you still don't get it through your thick skull that you ain't making me do anything I don't want to" (affectionately ofc). He reassures Ian that if he's making these decisions with him it's because he wants to, and he admits he owes a lot of it to that "shrink" they go to he's come to appreciate. It was a lovely conversation tbh and many fears and goals were shared between them.

[buckevantommy]

I'd love to hear your thoughts on a coaches AU and a vampire AU 👀

"Look, kid—"

Buck has to pull up short as Tommy stops and rounds on him, bringing them almost nose to nose. Buck stumbles back a few steps in the rocky soil.

"I'm not looking for a life coach, alright? Especially not one who's still in his twenties."

Rude. He's closer to thirty, anyway. And he's been around the block more than once. "I-I'm just saying. Y-you don't kill just anyone, right?"

Tommy bristles, his shoulders pulling back. "No."

"Right! There's plenty of people in the world who deserve a-a lot worse than they ever get."

"I don't disagree."

"Great! 'Cos I, uh. I-I can help you develop a uh— a code of ethics to determine your next target."

"You mean, my next meal?"

"Yeah! Totally! Somatic techniques can help you deal with your trauma, a-and neuro-linguistic programming can help adjust your behaviour by a-aligning your thought processes with long-term goals so that— u-uh, um." Now it's Buck's turn to pull up short.

Tommy blinks at him, expecting. "So that.. what?"

Buck's cheeks heat. Tommy can probably hear the way his heartbeat stutters and kicks up a notch. It's kinda embarrassing. "Uh, s-so that you don't. Y-y'know.."

Tommy is looking at him pretty intently. Was he looking at him so intently before?

Buck swallows.

"I don't, actually." Tommy takes a step closer. "Know."

Suddenly, Tommy looms in his space. And look: Buck is a tall, fit guy. And Tommy is about the same height, but he has a broadness to his frame that Buck just can't match and bigger muscles plus an imposing presence that Buck isn't entirely sure is a vampire thing or just a Tommy thing.

Buck doesn't even know if the glamour thing is fact or fiction - there's a lot he doesn't know about vampires - but something about Tommy compels him to finish his thought.

"Get noticed. Found out. Killed." The words tumble out of him. No stammer, and almost no natural stopping point. He almost says: get a stake through the heart or an axe to the neck or thrown into a fire— but he snaps his mouth shut.

"Okay, Evan."

Buck blinks. The air feels different. His body feels slow. Or maybe the world has slowed. He feels a little unmoored. "O-okay?"

"Maybe you can help me."

"I-I can?" He wants to.

"I mean, I guess we'll see."

"We will?"

Tommy's smile forms slow and devastating. His eyes are dark. Or maybe that's the night falling around them.

Buck feels warm all over in the cool evening air. Tommy has closed a little more distance between them. Or.. was that Buck? There's something.. something preternatural going on here and for that, Buck should be scared. But he got himself into this - chased down a vampire after watching Tommy's teeth rip the neck out of the guy who attacked Buck. He probably should've thought this through better, especially considering his job, but he's here now and he's.. not scared.

Tommy's voice seems to take more chill out of the air as he says, "You're hired."

Buck gets the uncanny feeling that he could warm his frozen bones in Tommy's orbit, if he let him. That he'd burn himself to ash just to get closer to him. If Tommy asked him to, he'd give everything he had, everything he was for him.

But at the same time Buck knows without proof or reason that Tommy wouldn't let any harm come to him. Tommy would protect him. He just met this guy - a real life vampire - and yet something about him has Buck feeling like he's found a port in the storm. A safe harbor. He hasn't felt this safe in someone's company in a long, long time. How could he possibly say no to that?

doing this thing

[not-poignant]

I'm rereading utb and while i def understand and agree with ef being held accountable for things, at the same time, it seems like everyone is constantly acting as if he's supposed to know how to have a healthy relationship and to cope with his emotions, much less his trauma, without anyone actually explaining or modeling this

Like, everyone constantly brings up the fact that he tried to kill Kadek even once they've acknowledged why and gary is starting a relationship with him while also essentially his prison warden and with how little ef has experienced in the world, especially as a psychologist, gary still not doing anything to help him get better coping skills makes it feel like he's setting him up to fail

Like, temsen is technically correct that ef domestically abused gary but he has literally never seen a non abusive partnership and is literally a prisoner in his current one

Idk, I really love this fic so, so much and thank you for writing it and i don't even need a response or anything, I just get defensive of ef when I'm reading sometimes bc he's trying so, so hard basically all the time and it seems like people acknowledge it sometimes in the moment but then don't give him the tools to make it any easier

Answering this one publicly because I know you're not the only one who feels this way or has felt this way!

Okay firstly, some of this conflict I'm evoking in the reader is intentional. I want people to feel defensive of Efnisien. I want people to think 'hey, hang on a minute.' There's a lot of reasons I want that, including the fact that in reality, most people don't recover from being abusive even after they've been in horrifically abusive situations in a vacuum (i.e. the whole world doesn't suddenly stop and become soft as cotton wool just because you've been abused! If you go and interview a whole bunch of people in jail right now, a lot of those folks (especially those who have done repeated serious crimes) will have experienced horrendous and incredibly unfair amounts of abuse, y'know? It's complicated. Yes, they have a right to heal and a right to support. Some of them probably did some pretty awful crimes as well. *coughs*serial killers*coughs*)

Obviously Efnisien is nowhere near that level, but the dissonance remains. He's certainly tried to murder more than one person. But we root for the person whose perspective we're reading. Still, people do not heal in a comfortable vacuum. In fact, most people are asked to be accountable for bad behaviour usually while suffering terribly. Because most people - unless they're certain kinds of extremely rare people - do bad behaviour because they don't know better and/or they're suffering intensely and it can momentarily feel good or satisfying to make other people hurt too.

That's an extremely hard process for the folks who are in that situation. Anyone who has had to recognise they're being a bully, or being abusive, usually goes through a period of time where they can't just immediately change, and what's expected of them seems impossible.

Now to everything else:

This world is a dystopia. There are things happening which aren't going to feel good when you're reading - systemic issues, issues around unfairness - because it's a dystopia. If those things weren't happening, and people just felt blithely comfortable with the entire world, well, that's not actually what I'm going for. There are times it should feel extremely disturbing to read.

So there are times I want readers to feel like things are unfair. There are times I want them to feel very strongly in one person's defense and only later realise the other person was hurt too. There are times I want them to feel like everyone is being unfair to a character. And times when I want folks to feel like the situation just sucks all round. Like, my intention in amongst the hurt/comfort isn't for things to feel easy or nice all the time, I am absolutely challenging the reader by introducing things that feel uncomfortable.

So when folks like yourself tell me this stuff it's like - yeah! It's a dystopia! And - yeah! Unfair things are definitely happening. This is especially true in the beginning when no one really has a concept of how bad things have been for Efnisien, or that he's an alpha. It remains true because no one is perfect. But it happens less often, that's what makes it feel more jarring as the story goes on. If you're rereading it's going to feel worse in the beginning, that's on purpose. The story is doing its job.

it seems like everyone is constantly acting as if he's supposed to know how to have a healthy relationship and to cope with his emotions

I don't really know what scenes you're specifically referring to here (like, just the first few chapters? The whole story? Temsen's single lecture?), but this is absolutely not the case. I'm going to look at the whole story:

The majority of the time that Efnisien is rude and disrespectful, especially once Efnisien and Gary are living together, Gary mostly ignores him, brushes it off, doesn't react or responds like it's normal dialogue lol. He's not constantly correcting his behaviour and he's not constantly like 'hey rephrase that to be polite' or 'I have feelings too' (maybe he should say the latter sometimes).

Gary is more aware than anyone that he shouldn't be Efnisien's guardian and that he's not a companion. He says this, out loud, to several people, several times. So we know that he knows that the situation isn't great / fair re: Efnisien's care (and frankly his own. Of the two of them, Gary's the one who keeps coming close to potentially dying from the other person's actions).

especially as a psychologist, gary still not doing anything to help him get better coping skills makes it feel like he's setting him up to fail

Gary is not Efnisien's psychologist. And psychologists are not doing their jobs on absolutely everyone, 24/7! This one is so important to remember (both in real life and sometimes in fiction). He's categorically not Efnisien's psychologist and it would be even more toxic if he attempted to be this if they were living together!

Gary being a psychologist is his job in the same way being an artist is a job, it's not specifically relevant to their relationship, except that Gary sometimes has better understanding of the root/s of some behaviours.

Ask any psychologist how they live at home and most of them do not want anything to do with their psychology jobs in their personal life, because they're mentally fatigued/tired from talking to people all day. They are not perfect people, they don't have perfect control over their emotions, they aren't teaching everyone the coping mechanisms they need to survive (this takes a lot of labour! It's exhausting! People can't do that 24 hours a day and stay sane. It gets toxic fast.)

The majority of the time Efnisien has extreme emotional responses, Gary just tends to absorb them, acknowledge them, or actively care for him. It's easy to miss these moments because I'm usually not making you feel conflicted about it.

The times Efnisien has extreme emotional responses and then chooses to repeatedly hurt Gary, there are often extreme emotional responses that follow because you know, that's what Efnisien was aiming for! He was trying to severely hurt someone!

Let's move onto Temsen and Efnisien, because this might be more of what you're thinking of, since Gary almost never holds Efnisien accountable tbh. Temsen is a doctor, and a peak alpha who is a leading educator in academic omega rights and theory. He is the first to deeply understand how young alphas left to get away with their smaller abusive behaviours are the kind of alphas who grow up into rapists, murderers and torturers like Christian in Underline the Blue.

(I just want to add, Christian's own abuse and PTSD is real, I don't think any of us are rushing to hold his hand and pat his head, because we sympathise with Nate more than Christian. But Christian has real pain, and real suffering too. He's a great example of how 'you're still accountable for your behaviour though' at its most extreme).

So, Temsen sees Efnisien's behaviour and he lectures and shuts him down like he would any young alpha who is on a really dangerous path. Even within that, he acknowledges himself - out loud - that it's a complicated situation and the time he comes down on Efnisien the hardest, he says the timing is poor. The majority of the time, he shows Efnisien compassion and care, and listens to his opinions, even when they disagree. He is the first to validate his gender both repeatedly in words, and in hormone and medical support. He's the first to change his approach to Efnisien's medical care when Efnisien calls out his lack of respecting his right to privacy, and he's the first to correct Gary about it when Gary expects Temsen to keep giving him information. He offers pragmatic, compassionate advice about many sensitive subjects in Efnisien's life, his health, his secondary gender, his nesting behaviours. And I would say this is how Temsen actually models better behaviour.

Temsen doesn't expect Efnisien to have all of these skills, but Efnisien has to be told what he's doing wrong and how that's not acceptable behaviour and how he's hurting people, to start learning those skills! Otherwise why would anyone bother? Vindictively hurting other people in moments of rage can feel satisfying for folks who aren't being held accountable.

You say no one is modelling better behaviour to Efnisien so I'm just going to pose some questions that are rhetorical:

How many alphas at HIllview are mounting or torturing Efnisien every day? Does Efnisien have choices in what he eats? Is Efnisien's opinion listened to more and more, especially in matters of his health? Do they care about his pain and offer him painkillers when he's suffering? Are the characters in the story trying to enrich his experiences and help him to become a more mature person by helping him overcome his fears of things like going outside? Are the characters deliberately trying to expand his support network by helping him see new people and lean on them for help, instead of keeping him in a box and forbidding him from seeing anyone? While also taking into account the safety of others?

Are the characters largely gender affirming once they learn more about Efnisien?

Are the characters actively teaching Efnisien social sciences to help him understand more about the world and human rights, which includes his own rights?

Do the characters acknowledge that Hillview isn't an ideal place for Efnisien, just a good place for now?

Do the characters want Efnisien to have a future where he's happier?

Do the characters allow Efnisien to have his emotional responses as long as they're not also abusive responses? For example, is Efnisien allowed to cry, nest, seek comfort, or even be angry, provided he's not being domestically violent? (The answer is yes).

Do the characters to the best of their ability explain things clearly and maintain their own boundaries around Efnisien to remind him that he can also maintain his own boundaries?

Are Efnisien's wishes largely respected where possible? (The answer here is also yes - such as refusing internal exams with Temsen, or having control over what he does most days and how he spends his time etc.)

Can Efnisien see lots of examples of people talking civilly to each other and often with great care, and not being abusive to each other? Can he see alternative forms of conflict resolution, management and repair?

Is Efnisien offered opportunities to repair rifts that he's created himself, after being cruel to someone?

This is just a start, but these people through these behaviours are already role-modelling a ton of better behaviours than anything Efnisien has been exposed to in the past. And we can see that Gary himself role models a lot of these things to Efnisien directly, including apologising frequently and quickly when he realises he's made mistakes. This is how Efnisien learned to apologise! And he literally has thoughts like 'Gary does this / so I guess I should do it too.' That's literally role modelling a behaviour :D

Gary's actually a pretty good role model, and the only reason Efnisien's behaviour starts to improve at Hillview as well as his quality of life is because Gary and Temsen are role modelling these behaviours.

Like, temsen is technically correct that ef domestically abused gary but he has literally never seen a non abusive partnership and is literally a prisoner in his current one

Efnisien isn't literally a prisoner in his current relationship!

I feel like when folks identify really strongly with a character, it's very easy to miss the times when Gary and Temsen for example brainstorm ways for Efnisien not to live with Gary. Aside from at the very beginning, these characters have actually talked about - in the story, in dialogue - options for Efnisien to not live with Gary.

Like they literally talk about making Efnisien a new room in the headquarters and possibly even building him his own building down the track so he doesn't have to be with Gary! As they trust Efnisien more, they offer many options to him. As the story goes on, they are absolutely not forcing Efnisien to stay with Gary, and nor is Gary. Efnisien himself communicates clearly that he would rather live with Gary than be on his own. This is something that gets checked in on, and more than one option is given to him.

Missing this is understandable, it's a long story, but it also means it's not true that Efnisien is a prisoner in that he's being forced to live with Gary. That's only true in the beginning when they literally think he's just a murderer/attempted murderer who's going to kill everyone at Hillview. As the story progresses, it shifts to 'well he's not a murderer, what are his other options?'

Can Efnisien live a free life wherever he wants? No. That's where the 'dystopian universe' tag comes in. He's not safe to, but Hillview staff wouldn't be concerned with educating him and teaching him independence if they didn't want him to live as independently as possible one day. It's not like Gary has to try to get Efnisien comfortable with going outside and experiencing the outside world, and it's not like he has to encourage Efnisien to meet omegas and betas etc. to hear different opinions, y'know?

But yeah the role modelling is happening: Efnisien's showing more and more tools in coping all the time! He's been growing them since the beginning of the fic. He's learned to communicate better. He's learned how to articulate what he wants and doesn't want more clearly. He's learned how to care more for others even if he often misses that he has the power to really hurt them. He's learned more (not less) confidence. He's having less (not more) trauma responses. He's learned how to trust in the people around him more, so he's starting to talk more about his experiences of gender. He's learned that what he went through was wrong, and is sharing more about the abuse he suffered.

These things would not be happening in a story where people weren't giving him the tools to cope with his life or weren't showing him ways to communicate differently.

The reason Efnisien talks more clearly and articulately now in the story, the reason he laughs more, cries more (which is more open/honest imho and healthier than repressing it), talks more, talks about his past more, expresses his opinion more is because Hillview has been equipping him with more tools to live a richer life pretty much as soon as they realised he's not going to just murder people at the drop of a hat.

In some ways they're showing more trust than our society would because like, attempted murder could land him in jail for a while in our society, y'know?

The reason they haven't paired him with an actual psychologist is that they don't have any peak alpha psychologists and Efnisien can use alpha persuasion on anyone else, and would certainly get angry enough in therapy to use it. We only need to look at how Efnisien responded to Dr Gary in Falling Falling Stars sometimes in therapy sessions to see that yes, this is a guy who - if he had the tool of alpha persuasion - would absolutely use it to get a therapist to shut the fuck up when he felt like it, lol.

But yeah, as always, if folks are feeling really uncomfortable when reading something I've written, it's often intentional. You're right, Efnisien's situation is unfair. A few of the specifics you've brought up aren't true, and have missed things in the story, but it's still not a fair experience, it's not always a pleasant experience, and it's...pretty dystopian!

When we get really deep into our emotional connection to a character, it can still help to remember that the situation often isn't exactly the same as it feels. But this story also has the tags: darkfic / disturbing themes / dystopian universe for a reason! The visceral discomfort is a feature, not a bug.

[husky-twst-and-obeyme]

Hello! I hope your reqs are open, if not feel free to ignore- also lil' spoiler warning for Obey Me lesson 16

But could you do hc's for the Dorm Leaders where Obey Me! Mc casually brings up that Belphegor straight up killed them that one time

Like Mc just brings it up like it's nothing

Does not blink twice when they say "well it wasn't that scary, I died once already so, y'know, near death experiences don't really effect me at this point, ya feel?"

This is not a x Reader but if you intercept that way , you can

Also note, Y/n does explain the context but ends it basically with "so yeah i pretty much died "

Riddle

he really had a god damn heart attack

he barely was able to speak , he was just so stunned

the idea of death is scary itself, so hearing someone die and then survive is..unsettling

now he clearly knows your fine-..physically- but he wonders how your mental health is. even with your confidence shielding it

later on the day, you'll notice how Riddle is more caring towards you

such as being a little lenient when you break rules(He still punishes you just not as bad as others) , offering to share a tart with you , having study time , etc

you literally just turned him into a worried mother

he wants to make sure you're comfortable at all times

Leona

"yeah yeah cool..............wait-"

he didn't fully process what you said until he pieced it together

after that, he just looks at you , like "how tf-"

you tell him that you're fine but he knows that's BS

after that he seems. a little nicer?

that might be pushing the term but you can tell he's at least not as mean as he usually is to you

sometimes, he seems to trying to comfort you in his own way

like sneaking you a water, checking up on you but in a tone where it's not obvious, or even using you as a pillow (He would purposely purr because purring can actually be therapeutic )

You would point it out but know he would stop if you did, so you kept quiet and just appreciated how he cared

Azul

"d-..darling- sweetie. Light to this school. are you..ok??"

he was very concerned, even if it already passed, surely something like this would take a terrible toll on your mental health.

he understands mental trauma but not to this extend

now he talks to you when he can, he's still busy but he tries to make time

he's often asking questions on your comfort "Do you feel ok? " " how are you physically ?" he knows people can try to cover how they feel so he hopes constant questions could help open them up

He's even more generous on offers , but these ones are more personal , like having study time with you

he doesn't even notice he's treating you like this but either way you still appreicate it

Kalim

" you died??" "yes. But i lived! "

he jokes with you about it but he knows it's serious

but he sees you seem fine and joke about it , he probably sees it was a form of "cope" for you and goes along with it

now obviously you notice he spoils you a little more

he's even basically attached to your hip , usually jamil actually intervenes with this behavior but given what Kalim has told him, he let's it slide but knows when to pry him off

when you invites you to the dorm , it's a bit more peaceful

it was filled with calming flowers, some comfort foods you liked , and he threw blankets on you

Jamil brings you your favorite foods , even if Kalim didn't ask him, he would of . He can only imagine how you actually feel from that incident, so he wants you to be comfortable

Kalim nibbles a bit on your food because he loves Jamil's cooking

Jamil scolds him but you didn't mind, you loved to share with Kalim but understood Jamil's frusation

You did feel much more relaxed

Vil

utter shock doe not begin the describe what he felt at that moment

he doesn't even speak for 10 minutes, which did worry you a little

He eventually does break the ice and spoke his mind

he has a serious discussion with you , you reassured him you're fine but that doesn't make him stop

He tells you that you may seem fine but in reality, it's possibly just a coping mechanism or a trauma response

before you say anything else, he hugs you , not tightly , but firm enough to feel the warmth in his presence

it felt nice.

He then offers you a spa day (omg typical vil prompt but it's be real, spa day with vil would be AWESOME )

You usually don't do spa days but today..that really seemed really nice

Idia

how he responds ..a little unusual

"So yeah I died. but it wasn't that bad"

"...."

"...Idia?"

"So died but were "Techically " revived by a demon of time but not really because you're a version of yourself of a different timeline so one timeline DOES lose you but another gains you, Right? "

you were stunned "pretty much??"

"Damn , that sucks " and he just continues on his game "you want some snacks? we can talk about it more if it helps you"

Idia seems nonchalant about it but he shows signs of caring. Maybe because of his own trauma with death?

either way, you're kinda glad he's not too dramatic with it (not there's nothing wrong with it anyway) you just prefer if someone is calm about it

so you do talk about what bothered you about that situation and he just listens. He only talks if he feels the need to

he knows how hard it can be , so he's just letting you have a place to talk about it

Malleus

he..was stunned

he's dealt with death many times but someone "Surviving " is new to him

Death is a very serious matter because once someone dies, they never return. which can be a traumatic experience for sure

so after that, he visits more often , especially after asking Lilia about death

you notice how he attempts to comfort you, by giving you random things

well they do have a pattern, it's stuff that you have mentioned having interest in. Like when you mentioned trying out the new cafeteria pudding but didn't have the chance to, he now has it for you

even for things you mentioned A LONG TIME AGO

it's really endearing how much he remembers and it really warms your heart

even if you know why he's doing it, you don't stop him because you actually love this gesture and how could you say no to him?

I hope you enjoyed!

[arvadthecursed]

new mtg OC... I said I wasn't gonna make any more Magic OCs bc I'm frustrated with the game/story direction but uh. Here's a girl who invaded my brain without asking, really rude of her.

No name yet BUT her design is basically Proto-Chiara, if you remember her original design from like 6 years ago lol. She is from outside Cloudspire City in Kylem, from a poorer city we haven't seen bc Kylem isn't all that fleshed out yet. Y'know.

Anyway, this gal has the power to subtly charm and coerce others. Her eyes glow faintly when she does this -- her only tell. Years of being a Robin Hood-style thief taught her when to use her magic and when to simply use her bodacious bosom and natural charisma to influence other people.

She ended up on New Capenna shortly after the Invasion because of [trauma pending]. Because of her magic, she fell in with the Obscura. I'm assuming Raffine is still alive. Anyway.

One day our purple gal is called up to the Cloud Spire and is shocked to find an angel there. This angel, Valencia, was once one of Capenna's most powerful. And she has a bone to pick with Raffine and Ziatora specifically. Ziatora has retreated somewhat from public life, and Valencia cannot find her herself.

Valencia has turned Raffine into glass and imprisoned her, taking over the Obscura in the process. The angel has been keeping a close eye on our heroine and wants her help in defeating the remaining bosses and reclaiming New Capenna. Well, want isn't the right word. Valencia demands it, binding our gal to the plane so she can't escape.

Our gal works tirelessly, doing Valencia's bidding. She charms, she works her way through each family, she reports back to Valencia. And eventually, Valencia tells her: I want you to find me a way to Ziatora. Do this, and you are free.

So our gal does. She meets a Riveteers boxer/underground fighter guy and falls for him, and does her best to protect him from her mission. Eventually there's some angst where she tries to charm him into forgetting her because he just finds out her mission is basically to paint a giant target on Ziatora's back for Valencia to imprison her.

Anyway that's all I have for now. Yes unfortunately I am developing an entire storyline for these OCs like a big idiot after I spent a lot of time saying I was never gonna put that much effort into any MTG OC ever again. I am booboo the fool.

Her color ID is Abzan so she shares 2 colors with the Obscura/Valencia and 2 colors with the Riveteers/her hot older boyfriend. The charming magic is basically taking green's "natural" thing and twisting it with a touch of manipulation from white/black. Because those folks totally WANT to be manipulated by a hot purple girl with big tits, right? Also just. Esper didn't feel right for her. I know it would make a bit more sense but I wanna go for the almost Narci-esque bard angle with our dear heroine. She also just had Selesnya's strong sense of loyalty and obligation to others and does want to help, hence how Valencia pulled her in, with promises to save and restore New Capenna.

Picrew

[krsive-writes]

Pleasure to Meet You

Title: Pleasure to Meet You

Author: krsive

Rating: M-

Tags/Warnings: mention of past sexual assault, soulmates

It was supposed to be just another day at work for Rick DX-318. A busy day, sure—after all, it was the Thursday before Valentine's Day—but Dex had been working at Mate Mart for years now and he knew the ropes. Just get through this weekend, and on the other side he and the other machine operators would go on their annual pub crawl and blow off this steam. Just get through. Just ignore the clammer of voices in the crowded room that itched at the back of his poor autistic brain. Just do one job at a time.

The unimpressive Morty seated across from him looked nervous. Dex was too tired to smile and put him at ease. His new work polo was rough against his skin all day, and it had him in a mood.

"Put your hand in the machine," he instructed. He picked up his clipboard and clicked his pen, holding it at the ready.

''Just... in? Like...?"

"Just put it in there, flat on the table." Two clicks. "Ok, Morty...” Here he checked the paperwork.    “G-116, what brings you in today?”

Morty's brow knit in confusion. "Same thing as everyone else? I-I wanna find my Soul mate."

"Yeah...you're gonna have to dig a little deeper if you want the process to work. The machine can't analyze your emotional resonance unless you're actually feeling something. I already know why you're here, but why are you here?"

''O-Oh. Well, um..." Morty squirmed in his seat. The machine began to hum. "I’m. I'm lonely. Like, r-really lonely."

"You're single?"

''Yes."

"Do you have a Rick?"

"K-kind of?"

"There's no 'kind of' box on my sheet, kid. Yes or no."

"Yes, then? I-I... I ran away from him but I think he's p-probably still on the Citadel."

Dex scrawled a note. "Why did you run away?"

"He..." Morty looked sick to his stomach. ''Do I really have to say? C-Can I just think about it and the machine will know?"

"Sorry, kid. This is the process." It wasn't like Dex was thrilled to hear the boy's trauma dump, either, but it was a living. Just barely.

''H-He tried to...y'know...” Morty's eyes were welling with tears.

"Look." Dex put down the clipboard and leaned forward. Morty mirrored his posture naturally. “You're not the only one here with a past. I did 25 years in Earth prison. I'm extremely personally acquainted with the concept of rape, if you catch my drift. It's ok. You can say it."

Morty broke down all at once. The machine chimed cheerfully.

"My grandpa tried to rape me," he managed to say. "I keep thinking he’ll show up to find me any time now. I'm scared all the t-t-time."

Dex made another note. Staring at the clipboard was so much easier than looking at Morty. "Did you get yourself emancipated yet? We have a legal service on standby for customers who match outside of their original pairs."

"He'd have t-t-to sign, right? I can't..." Morty sniffled. ''I can't do that.”

"Alright. Whatever you say goes. But how about I give you the brochure anyway?"

“Yeah, ok. Sure."

Morty darted a look up at him, a shy, guileless glance. Rick quickly turned his attention to his own hands, to the blown out, faded old tattoos on his knuckles. He didn't like getting too chummy with the customers. He busied himself flipping to page 2.

"If you could pick, who would be your soulmate?” he read.

"Geez. I don't r-really even know. I used to think maybe the Jessica from my dimension, O-o-or...there was this really funny Morty at my old job. I liked him but I was too scared to ask him out."

"What do you like about them?”

"I guess they're both really cute. Like s-soft and pretty. And gentle. Like, they both wanted me to feel good about my self, I could tell. I want someone sweet like that to want to be with me, too." Morty was welling up again. "I just want someone like that to love me.”

The machine, pleased with the display, chugged through its calculations faster. It was almost finished.

"What do you like about yourself?" Dex prompted.

"Oh man..." Morty shrugged one shoulder, his lips turned down in a hard frown. "I d-dunno... nothing, I guess."

''Dig deep." Dex was rooting for the kid. What a pathetic case. The charitable man in him wanted this one to be a success story.

''I guess..." Morty took a deep, shuddering breath. "I'm good to people even when I'm hurting. I-I still want to help people    so they can be happy. Even though people are mean to me a lot, it didn't make me be mean back. So I like that."

Ding! The machine pinged, startling Morty. A printout slid onto the tray.

"Congrats, kid. You actually have an other half out there! It's—“

Dex read the page. Rick Sanchez, DX-318. He blanched. Read it again. Rick Sanchez, DX-318. Again. Again. Nothing changed. He lost track of the world, dropped the paper.

"No way," he said, blankly.

"DX-318?”

"Who—“ Dex looked around at the row of tables where his coworkers were all busy.

"Isn't that you? A-Are you fucking with me?''

"Which one of you fucks did this?" Dex demanded, shooting out of his chair, voice booming.

"Is this for real?" Morty asked, but Dex barely heard him.

"You do this, C-487? You fucking—“ he stepped menacingly towards the worker at the next station over.

"Do what?" the other Rick asked, clearly confused.

The manager was on his way over, but Dex shouldered past. "I’m taking my 15," he said, and didn't stop to be told no.

"Wait!" called Morty somewhere behind him.

Rick pushed through the break room and out onto the walled back patio where a Rick lingered by the ashtray.

"Out! Get out!” Dex thundered.

“What—“

"OUT!"

The other Rick didn't stay to argue, but when he headed inside Morty passed him. Now the boy was between Dex and the door, and he was walled in on all sides, trapped like an animal. He was ready to chew his own leg off to escape, but he couldn’t bring himself to step towards his soulmate.

"Wh-What's happening Rick?" Morty asked, breathless and pinkened from exertion.

"I don't know!" Trapped, Dex paced back and forth, pulling at his hair. "Someone must have fucked with my machine, it must be some kind of prank, I—“

"What if it's not, though?"

Dex's brain was melting down. He thought about his shabby, half-hoarded studio apartment. He thought of the k-tax pipe in the bag in his locker, the days and nights spent in the numb embrace of drugs. He thought about the day that he killed his daughter, how crazed he still was when the cops came to take him, high off his ass and running amok. He couldn't do this. He couldn't have a soulmate. He couldn't care for a Morty. He didn't even want to care for himself .

"Trust me, kid, you're better off if it's a prank. You don't want me for your other half."

''What..." Morty stepped forward, making Rick shrink back. "What if, though?"

"’What if' is bullshit. ‘What if’ is wishful thinking."

"I bet you're lonely, too, though, right?"

"That's not the point. You don't want me, Morty. I'm just like your piece of shit grandpa, ok? I'm just... I'm not a good person."

"I deserve love," Morty said, jaw set, fists batted tightly. "I deserve love! I deserve for someone to try for me!”

''I—“

"So try! Just try, Rick!"

He pressed his lips together hard, breathing through his nose. Nothing made any sense now. In a world where he could feel love again, he didn't know his place. But Morty's pain was breaking his heart, and the boy wanted to crawl into the cracks of it with probing roots like a weed growing in concrete. Could someone really want him again? He was so afraid. He took a deep breath.

"Call me Dex," he said, offering his hand.

It was a start, at least.

[deke-rivers-1957]

Danny's Journey to a Better Life

It's my first day of therapy and I ain't got a clue on how to handle myself. I can't even give a proper greeting. I just walk in the door moping.

"What happened Danny?"

"Ain't you heard? I was in love with a beautiful girl named Ronnie but she got killed."

"Is that what brought you to therapy today?"

"Ain't that enough?"

"So let's break this down into a simple question. Danny why did you decide to come to therapy today?"

"Cos I been havin' a lotta nightmares lately."

"And what do you wish to accomplish today?"

"I wanna find out why them nightmares keep comin' back at me."

I spend the next half hour info-dumping. I dunno if I'm even doing this right but I just need to get it outta my system.

"Based on what you've told me, I have reason to believe that you have a lot of unprocessed trauma. That doesn't make you crazy, but it can have long term health effects if it continues to go unaddressed."

"Then once these things are processed, they'll go away? No more nightmares?"

"I can't guarantee that your nightmares will go away. I would hope that with therapy, you can learn how to better understand your feelings and move on."

"Will it stop me from being tired so much?"

"I suggest that you first rule out physical conditions that can cause sleeping issues."

"It feels like I'm gonna see something, Doc. Like there's something in the dark watching me."

A timer goes off

"Is that session over? I ain't done talkin'. I ain't done."

"I know, Danny. We had a very productive first session. I have an assignment that I want you to do before you decide to schedule our next session."

"What's that?"

"I want you to go to the doctor and ask for them to test you for any physical conditions that can trigger sleep disorders."

"Alright, Doc, I'll take care of it."

"That's great to hear Danny. I'm glad that you're willing to cooperate."

"I'll see you soon, Doc."

I leave the room and go to the front desk to talk to the receptionist. I wanna find a way to pay for this first session without going broke.

"Excuse me, miss, how much does Doctor King charge for therapy?"

"I have a form that you can fill out."

"Great. I'll take care of it right now. Thanks."

I look at the form. There’s no way I can pay $25 at a time, so I put 12 dollars a month. I figure it’s better than nothin’.

"Thanks. Do I owe you anything from my first session here?"

"Doctor King always provides his first consultation for free. If you decide to return as a full time client, then you will be expected to pay."

"I'll get here as soon as I can. Bye, miss."

I go home to my Pa and tell him about my consultation.

"Pa, I went to see that Doc like you wanted."

"How'd it go Danny? Do you think you'll go back?"

"Yeah, I’ll do that Pa, but I just need to know how we’re gonna pay for therapy. I can’t work no more because of my nightmares and I can’t sleep. I’M TIRED, Pa!"

He goes over to hug me.

"I know you are son. The first session was free so don’t worry about it. We’ll manage."

"Pa, I- I hope to hell that sleep test comes back with somethin’, y'know? I'm afraid it ain’t gonna and I got no money and I’m a burden."

"I’ll give them a call now and see what’s available."

"Pa, I don’t know what to do. I feel like the world’s crushin’ down on my shoulders. I feel like I'm fallin’ apart."

"You’re still young Danny. Ain’t even 21 yet. I think you need to let me be the father and do my responsibilities."

"And what are your responsibilities, Pa? Just puttin’ dinner on the table and roof over our head? You think that's all you need to do as a father? 'Cause you ain't. I got no momma and since I was 8 I been fightin' like hell against this world to put food on our plate. I'm tired."

"I know. And I’m sorry I ain’t done a good enough job for you. I’m going to be better Danny."

"When you got no momma you got no one to hold you, no one to sing you to sleep, to kiss your forehead when you fall asleep. That's what Momma used to do, y'know, every night. And when I'd wake from nightmares, she'd be there tellin' me everything's gonna be alright. I don't have that, never did. So I learned how to be tough, y'know? You ain't supposed to cry, you gotta be strong."

"You didn’t need to do that Danny. Now you just let me be your Pa and help."

He sits me down on the couch and I start bawlin'.

"Shhh. It’s alright son."

"I'm not as tough as I make out, Pa. I ain't. I'm so tired."

"Go on and nap Danny."

I lay down on the couch. As I fall asleep, I feel my Pa's hand on my forehead. It felt like it was the most comforting touch I'd had in ages.

"Do you want me to call Nellie over?"

"It'd be nice to see her."

"Alright Danny."

"I love you, Pa."

As Pa talks with Nellie, I drift into a peaceful sleep. Before I know it, I hear Pa waking me up.

"Son? Nellie’s here."

I wake up, completely refreshed. Nellie’s there and she’s lookin’ pretty as a picture. She leans over and gives me a peck on the cheek.

"Are you ok Danny? Mr. Fisher called me over."

Yeah, I’m good, I just fell asleep is all.

Nellie sits next to me and I notice how good-lookin’ she is. I feel that old stirring I felt the first time I saw her. I feel it all over again. My heart beats a little faster every second she’s here. And when she leans in and gives me a peck on the cheek...

"How was your nap?"

"I’m good."

She lays her head on my shoulder and my arm goes around her, but I’m not sure if it’s appropriate. I look over at my Pa. He smiles, then nods. It confirms to me that it’s okay. I continue to lean into her. I even close my eyes and take a deep breath. She smells real nice.

"Mr. Fisher told me that you went to a consultation with a therapist today."

"Yeah, I went seein’ that Doc that he always goes to. Doc says I need to get some tests cause he thinks I got sleep problems. Ain't no doubt about that, I sure ain't sleeping good."

"I hope it’ll get better Danny."

I’m still feeling the after effects of that good nap I took. I’m real relaxed.

"I’ma get this test done as quick as I can, then I'm takin' you out, Nellie."

"Oh you don’t need to do that."

"I wanna. I already promised you dinner, I ain't going back on my word. Let's go to that King Creole joint. Sound okay?"

"Maybe you can get your job back there."

"You really think so?"

I’m already dreamin’ up all the good food I’m gonna get to eat if I get my job back. I look over at Nellie, who’s starin’ at me with a little grin on her face.

"He was already so understanding that you needed to quit after Ronnie died."

"Yeah, I guess you're right. I could go check to see if they'll take me back."

Pa finishes making dinner and we start sittin' down to eat.

"Here, sit at the table, Nellie. And, Pa, thanks. You went and made my favorites I love you for that, ain’t nobody made gumbo like you."

Time passes and you get your appointment for the doctor to test you for sleeping disorders

"Pa, I'm heading into the doctor's, can you come with me? I figured it'd be best since I haven't been sleeping so good lately. And I'm a little scared bout what they might tell me."

"I gotta work at the pharmacy today. I’ll pick you up during my lunch."

"Alright, Pa. I'm sure I'll be alright, just wanted you with me."

I head into the doctor's office feeling anxious. A nurse comes in to draw my blood

"Have you had a blood test before, Mr. Fisher?"

"No ma'am, I never had anythin' like that done before."

"Can you make a fist so I can try to find a vein?"

"There. Hope it helps."

She finds my vein and starts drawin' my blood. It's makin’ me real anxious; I start to sweat and feel nauseous. My stomach's startin’ to knot up.

"Would you prefer to use a butterfly needle?"

"Ma'am, I don't know what that is. I'd just like this over and done with as soon as possible, please."

"Very well then Mr. Fisher. Just look up and away."

"Okay..."

I look away and try to relax, but my stomach starts knotting up more. I close my eyes for a moment and start to panic. Is this normal? Am I the only one afraid of this stuff?

"Keep your arm relaxed and tense up the other parts of your body."

"How much longer till we’re done, ma’am?"

I grip my arm with my other hand and start to hyperventilate. I look down at the vial and realize it’s only half full. My heart starts beating real fast.

"Don't look at the vial, Mr. Fisher. You're doing a good job."

"It feels like I can't get enough air in. I'm scared..."

"When I switch the vials lean back in the chair."

I lean back, close my eyes and do my best to relax my arm. I feel the other needle enter my vein to take the second vial.

"How do you feel, Mr. Fisher?"

"Like I'm gonna throw up. My heart’s beatin’ out of my chest. Is this normal?"

"Anxiety during a blood test is common."

The nurse finishes taking my blood then starts bandaging me. I let out a heavy sigh and look out the window feeling a little light-headed.

"Have you eaten or drank anything before coming here, Mr. Fisher?"

"No ma’am."

"Would like some water and a small snack?"

"Yes, ma’am, that’d be real nice."

"Do you feel lightheaded or dizzy?"

I sip some water and nibble on a small snack.

"Yes ma’am I still feel a bit light-headed from the blood test."

My Pa arrives and looks at me with concerned eyes. The nurse explains what had happened and how I need to take it easy and eat iron-rich foods. My Pa nods his head and takes my arm, putting it around him.

"Alright Danny. Let's take it slow."

Holding onto my Pa's arm, we take it slow and make our way outside to the car. He opens the door for me and I sit down in the passenger seat. As we’re driving home, I can’t help but feel light-headed and nauseous and a bit embarrassed for havin' acted so scared earlier.

"Pa, I'm so sorry I acted like such a wimp when I got blood taken. I don't know what's wrong with me, I never used to be like this."

"You ain't gotta apologize son. You did a good job."

We arrive home and I slowly walk up the steps to the front door of our house. Pa helps me get inside and I sit down on the couch. I know I need to go get some rest, so I lay down on the couch slowly and close my eyes.

"Danny do you think you can handle being on your own until I finish my shift at the pharmacy?"

"I should be alright, Pa. Just a little tired that’s all."

"Alright son. Do you need anything to eat before I leave again?"

"I think I can wait til dinner, Pa."

I lie back on the couch and close my eyes. I need to get some much needed sleep.

"My son."

A couple days pass when I get a call from the doctor about my blood test results. I wake up feeling groggy and slowly pickup the phone.

"Yes, this is Danny. Who's this?"

"My name is Dr. Jones. I have the results of your blood test. Do you have any time today to come in?"

I sit up in bed. My heart starts racing.

"I can be there in an hour, if that's alright."

"That's perfectly fine, Mr. Fisher."

I hang up the phone feeling a bit anxious. What could it be? Did they find somethin’ that's gonna be bad for me?

"Pa, I'm goin' to the doctor's office."

"Alright son."

I arrive at Dr. Jones' office. He has a packet of my results.

"Have a seat."

I grab the packet and sit down, trying to focus on listenin’ to whatever the doctor has to tell me.

"I want you to read through the entire packet first. If you have any questions please ask."

"Okay, I will."

I start reading through the packet. After about a minute, I look up at the doctor. I almost don't wanna ask what I'm about to ask.

"Do you need me to explain anything?"

"Yeah... what does the word anemia mean?"

"Anemia is not having enough red blood cells or hemoglobin in the blood. This can be caused by different deficiencies."

I look back down at the packet and continue reading to myself, thinking about all the things Dr. Jones had mentioned. I finally look back up at the doctor, ready to ask another question.

"Is there anything else you had concerns about?"

"Yeah, one last thing. I see an "Abnormal, low" result under my vitamin D. Do you know what that means too?"

"It indicates a deficiency. Usually it's caused by a low exposure to sunlight although there are other factors that contribute to it."

"Is there anythin’ I can do to raise my vitamin D levels?"

"There's something that I would like to do first. Would you mind getting weighed today, Mr. Fisher? Your current weight would give me a better idea as to how we can treat your deficiencies."

"Okay, let's get weighed."

I step onto the scale and let the doctor measure my height and weight. I'm not sure which one weighs heavier - the numbers on the scale or my worries about what this all means.

"What's his weight, nurse?"

The nurse looks at the display.

"One hundred and forty-six pounds."

"Thank you, you can step down, Mr. Fisher."

"Sure thing, Doc."

I step off the scale and sit back down in the chair, lookin' at the doctor and wonderin' what he's gonna say next.

"Mr. Fisher what would you say is a healthy weight for someone like you based on your height, age and activity levels?"

"I have no idea, Doc."

"The average weight for a man of your height is 167 lbs. I believe that because you're underweight, you have these deficiencies."

"So my weight is why I'm not gettin' enough iron and vitamin D?"

"The types of foods you eat and your weight contribute to it."

"Do you know if my lack of sleep contributes to that too? Cause I ain't been sleepin’ too good lately."

"If anything your anemia contributes to your sleep deprivation. An iron deficiency can disturb your sleep patterns by causing insomnia."

"So it all kinda ties in together?"

"I do think your nightmares affect your sleep. However, I believe your slight malnourishment is the root cause."

It’s been a while since I've felt this drowsy during the day, just tired and not havin' the energy to do much of anything. It's kinda got me worried.

"Doc, tell me the truth. Is this somethin’ that's gonna keep me from bein' able to do my job? I can't exactly stay on my feet and sing and play guitar if I keep feelin’ this tired."

"If this continues to go untreated yes. You have multiple physical factors that contribute to your fatigue. I suggest keeping a food journal for one week so we can determine just how much and often you eat."

I look startled.

"You want me to keep a journal of what I eat, Doc?"

"Yes. It's important to know what your current diet is so that I can properly determine your weight gain plan."

I still don't quite understand.

"You mean by puttin' on weight, it'll help my body absorb the iron and vitamin D easier?"

"Yes because we get those nutrients through the foods we eat and through the sun. If you're underweight, it can make it difficult to absorb vitamin D since it needs fat."

I sigh with relief.

"Doc, you don’t know how happy you've made me to hear that. Thanks so much. Now the food journal, you want me to write everything I eat for a week? Even snacks?"

"That's right Mr. Fisher. You need to be eating a certain amount of calories every day to function. If you eat less than what you spend you're going to lose weight which in your case is dangerous."

"All right, Doc. I'll definitely do that. Can I go home now?"

I look at the time on my watch and realize that I'm starting to get hungry. And if the Doc wants me to gain some weight it sure wouldn't hurt. But most of all I wanna get outta here. I'm really hungry.

"Of course Mr. Fisher. Now be sure to write down what you eat as specifically as you can."

"Will do Doc!"

I start to put on my jacket and get up from the chair.

"Thanks for helpin’ me get stuff figured out today, you've made me feel a little better."

Dr. Jones writes notes down in his patient log.

"Should I schedule you for next week at this same time Mr. Fisher?"

"Yeah Doc. I think another week'll give me enough time to get a log of what I'm eatin’, but let's do same time next week."

The following week has arrived and it’s time for my appointment again with Doctor Jones. I start to feel anxious about the blood work, hoping that there’s nothing too serious goin' on inside my body. I can feel my heart start to pound and the butterflies in my stomach return. I tell myself, “It’s okay, you're not scared this time.” But it’s not quite workin’, my nerves still feel frayed. I try to get my breathing and heart rate a bit back to normal - deep, slow breaths. Finally the nurse calls me back.

"How has the food journal worked Mr. Fisher?"

I hand him a sheet with all the food entries from the past week.

"I think this oughta do it, Doc. It's got everything on it, everything I've eaten - even those midnight snacks."

I wait for the Doc to finish reading and do my best to control my breathing. I hear him turn a a page in my patient log, he’s doing a bunch of calculations and stuff but I’m not following what he’s doin'.

"Mr. Fisher can you try to describe how big "a bowl of gumbo" is?"

I think for a moment.

"Well Doc, it's hard to explain how big a bowl of gumbo is, I usually eat two bowls, one for lunch and one for dinner since it's pretty darn good. It's kinda like a stew with meat and okra in it, I'd say it's maybe four or five cups big."

Dr. Jones nods and writes down my response. I keep watchin' as he's workin'. The clock is tickin' away the minutes and I'm gettin' anxious to get outta here.

"So Doc, what's the answer?"

He shows me the paper with his math. I try understanding what the math says. My eyes are dartin’ back and forth from the paper to the Doc.

"I... I don't understand what that means Doc."

I look at the paper again and try to make it make sense but the numbers are all mixed up in my head. I look back at the Doc in confusion.

"That's your estimated daily average calorie intake. Unless there was a mistake in determining portion sizes that's how much you eat per day."

I feel stunned by the result. I thought I was eating enough, even too much... guess that wasn't the case.

"So... what does that mean Doc? Am I not eatin' enough?"

"How much activity do you get on average?"

I look at the Doc.

"My job requires a lot of physical activity - standin’ up, singin' and playin' guitar. Sometimes I'm on stage all night. I guess you'd say that's a good amount of activity Doc."

"I see. I understand now why you're so fatigued Mr. Fisher."

"So the fatigue is caused by not eatin' enough? I thought it was from sleepin’ so bad."

"It's a combination of issues Mr. Fisher. This most I can help you with is to gain weight properly."

I look down, a bit defeated. That means there's not much else he can do to help with the other reasons for why I feel so tired.

"Can you tell me how much I should be eatin' Doc?"

"Have you and your father been able to afford food?"

I look at him. The word "afford" triggers the thought that we've been struggling financially. I just nod my head and let out a deep sigh.

"It ain't easy Doc, it's been... hard."

I try to hold back my emotions.

"I see. Do you know how much your father can afford to spend on food?"

I think back to last night's dinner when all we ate was some fried bologna sandwiches and some leftover mashed potatoes that my sister Mimi reheated.

"Um... Doc I don't think I'm eatin' as much as I used to. And it's only because the money's tight. We can't always afford to eat a good meal. Sometimes that means goin' to sleep with the stomach grumblein'."

"If you continue to lose weight by working and eating as you do, it would be dangerous. The body needs a specific amount of calories to function properly. And you're just not getting enough."

"That... that's scary Doc."

I feel the fear rising inside me but I try to keep my composure.

"You mean I need to gain... uh... a lot of weight?"

"I think if you gained 15 lbs you would feel significantly better."

"Fifteen pounds? That's a lot Doc. I don't know how I'm gonna do that, food's pretty expensive."

"I recommend making high caloric foods that you can make in bulk. The gumbo you listed in your food journal is a good example."

I try processing what the doctor said and how I can possibly gain fifteen pounds.

"I'll do my best Doc. You gotta trust I'm gonna try."

"I know Mr. Fisher. I have a list of foods I recommend to people who need to gain weight."

I take the list from him and nod my head.

"Can I get going Doc? I'll definitely try my best to follow this list."

"Of course Mr. Fisher. I'll see you next week."

Time passes. The following week has arrived. I make sure to bring the food journal to the appointment. I hand it to Doctor Jones.

"Here's my food journal Doc, I tried to follow what you told me last time. There was some days the meals were a bit smaller than before, but I wrote it all down Doc, for real."

He goes over your food journal and does the calorie math again. After a few minutes Dr. Jones writes down a final number.

"This is your average daily calorie intake this week, Mr. Fisher."

I look at the paper and see that the number is 1610.

"Doc, is that a good thing? I just... I'm tryin' so hard to do what you say and eat better, but food is still such a big issue in our house. I don't wanna disappoint you Doc, I've been tryin' my best."

"Any increase in calorie intake is good in your case. It's important to do this gradually so your body can acclimate."

I feel relief spread through my body as I hear this.

"So you're sayin' that I'm doin' okay? That I can keep goin' and work my way up?"

"I suggest continuing what you did last week for a month. Just maintain a daily 1600 calorie average for a month and see how you feel."

"Oh. I thought we said that if I gained fifteen pounds that it would help. I remember Doc, we had that conversation."

I look at the doctor with the slightest bit of confusion.

"Yes but you need to eat more calories than you spend to gain weight. You're not at that point yet Mr. Fisher. To gain weight, you would likely need to eat at least 3000 calories a day."

Confused by his reasoning, I start to get frustrated and my emotions overflow.

"But Doc, that's the whole problem. I can't eat no more. The money is just too tight to get more food. I'm tryin' to get enough, how can I eat more when I can't get the food in the first place? I'm workin' and eatin' as much as I can and it just ain't happenin'."

Dr. Jones removes his glasses and rubs his eyes.

"I understand you're unable to cut down your activity because you need the work. I suggest talking to your employer about allowing you to have meals after shows as part of your compensation."

"You think... you think that'd work Doc, that my boss would give me food at the King Creole?"

Throughout my life I've never asked for something so big like this, but my mind is filled with hope. As the tears well up in my eyes and stream down my cheeks I start to feel embarrassed and ashamed that I have to do this.

"It's worth a shot. At the very least I suggest changing when you eat your meals. For example, I would eat your largest meal possible after you perform right before bed."

"If I can get free meals after the show that would be huge Doc. I'd do that, I'd eat as much as I can after the show before comin' home to sleep."

I feel relief starting to overcome the fear that's been in my life for so long. There's a glimmer of hope that things will get better. I stand up and wipe the tears from my face.

"Anything else I should bring to you next appointment Doc?"

"Just focus on eating 1600 calories a day for one month and continue with your food journal. If you can get free meals at your job, you might be able to save some money for when it's time to increase your calorie count to 2000 a day."

A smile spreads across my face.

I'm gonna do all this Doc, I swear... I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna eat right and I'll increase the calories when it's time. This is gonna change everything, I appreciate your help Doc, more than you know.

I extend my hand to shake his and he smiles back at me.

"I'll make sure to talk to my boss as soon as I can."

I leave the office and go to the club. I sit across the table from Mr. LeGrand and explain the situation to him. I tell him about how I'm try to gain weight and I mention wanting to eat better but how food is a big issue for us.

"Mr. LeGrand, is there anyway the club could give me some free food as compensation for performin' on stage? Right now Doc said to eat at least 1600 calories a day, but the goal is to get to 3000 calories to gain fifteen pounds. I know this is a big ask Mr. LeGrand, but just being able to eat a good meal after the show on the right days would be a big help."

Mr. LeGrand walks to grab a menu to see what he can afford to give me regularly.

"If we can work somethin' out then I can keep up with the calories and be in better shape. Doc says it'll help my fatigue too."

I stare at Mr. LeGrand in anticipation. He writes down a list of menu items that are cheap enough to consistently give away.

"Give this a list a look Danny. Are any of these items enough for what you want to do accomplish?"

I take the paper and go through the items one at a time.

"Ok, so... this stew and bread and gumbo and rice would work. If I combine this with food at home and stuff that Mimi cooks me I think I could make it work."

I smile at Mr. LeGrand, now feeling much more optimistic about things.

"I know Mimi tells me all the time about wanting to have you and your father over for dinner. She must be a very caring sister Danny."

"Yeah, we'd love to eat with you and Mimi Mr. LeGrand. It'd be real nice and we'd appreciate it so much if we can do that."

As I'm speakin' to him I feel myself start to cry as my heart overflows with gratitude.

"Thank you Mr. LeGrand, you're makin' a big difference by even offerin' this."

I try holding it in but I break down, my whole body shaking and the tears streaming down my face.

"It's... it's just that... I can't remember the last time someone was this nice to me without asking for somethin' in return or hold what they did over my head until I owed them. It's just a lot to get through right now Mr. LeGrand, and it's just a lot to have someone be generous to me for once."

My entire body feels like it's vibrating with emotion as I try to wipe away the tears.

"Have you eaten, Danny?"

I hear my stomach growl and look down at myself.

"I've only eaten one or two meals since yesterday, it's definitely catchin' up to me now."

I try to compose myself and fight my tears as tears roll down my cheeks and I can feel my heart beating faster.

"Tell you what Danny. Why don't you and your father come over for lunch? Mimi would love to see you both again."

I slowly nod my head as I try to collect myself.

"I'd be happy to eat with y'all Mr. LeGrand. Mimi and me had that plan for a meal a long time ago, there's jus..."

As I wipe my tears away I notice my hands shaking.

"It's just hard when you're poor Mr. LeGrand... I just don't know if I'm good enough to be in anyone's home, but... if it's alright I'd love to eat with y'all."

"You're off the clock Danny so just call me Charlie. Go and call Mr. Fisher. I'll go call Mimi to tell her the news."

I nod my head and quickly grab my jacket. My tears have stopped flowing and I feel hopeful for the first time in days. I can't let on to Mimi and Charlie how relieved I am or that I'm starving so I leave the room as quickly as I can. My heart feels the most relief it's had in a long time as I head to call my dad about lunch. As I walk down the road past the stores I realize I'm shaking and hungry but can't wait to see the look on my dad's face when I tell him he's invited for lunch.

"Danny! Daddy! It's so good to see you."

Mimi holds her arms out to hug me and it's been so long since I've been able to hug my sister that I almost cry again.

"How are you Mimi?"

"I'm doing well Danny. How are you boys doing without me?"

"I'm doin' ok Mimi. Things are rough for us, we've been runnin' all over the city workin' and stuff, but we're makin' it."

"Come in come in."

She grabs Pa's hand and leads him to sit down. I follow her to the dining room and try not to stare at it in awe, this is the first nice place I've been invited to have lunch at since I was a kid. Mimi, Charlie and Pa all sit down at the table and I quickly get a chair to join them as I feel my stomach growling.

"I've been so hungry Mimi, it's just been a while for me since I've had a proper meal."

Mimi passes around the plates as Charlie serves food for her and her husband, then me and my dad get our portions.

"My, oh my, this looks great Mimi. Thanks a million and to you Charlie."

I take the plate in front of me with a big smile, ready to start shoving food into my starving stomach, but I notice no food in front of Mimi. I try to stay quiet and let her eat first as she takes a place at her own seat.

"I made enough sandwiches for everyone."

I take a sandwich and quickly start to eat it as quick as I can.

"Wow Mimi, these are great, I could eat four or five of these." I take another sandwich and stuff it in my mouth while Mimi takes a small bite and watches my every move.

"This is way better than what I've been eatin' Mimi. I ain't even had a sandwich in so long I forgot how great these taste."

As I eat my fourth sandwich, the excitement and enjoyment of eating actual food as opposed to whatever leftover food items I could get my hands on has got me all worked up. My stomach, which is already full, seems to be asking for more. As I look around the table and see Mimi and Charile both eatin' their sandwiches and my dad diggin' in as much as I am I start to feel bad about how much I'm eatin'.

"Should I... should I save y'all some more sandwiches Mimi?"

"Don't worry Danny there's plenty of food. Eat as much as you can handle."

I notice Mimi and my Pa are both quiet and eatin' as much as me, I feel their eyes on me as Mr. LeGrand takes a sip of water. I continue to take in food in quickly and silently, afraid of doing something wrong. After several minutes I finally decide to speak in an attempt to lighten the mood.

"Mimi, this food is so good I can eat it all day. Is this one of your special recipes?"

Mimi giggles and looks at me, a lightness in her eyes and a smile on her face.

"Oh come on Danny. You've had my famous sandwiches plenty of times for school."

The mention of her making these for me brings back memories of school lunches.

Oh yeah Mimi, it seems like forever ago that I've had these. It musta been the best thing about goin' to class."

I think about my days at school when I was younger, how tough they were, and how much I wanted things to change for the future. I quickly swallow my current bite of food and take the moment in, feeling happy just from the food, and also from being able to catch up with Mimi.

"Mimi was always the chef of the house after their mama died about 4 years ago."

"Oh yeah, I always remember that dinner time was Mimi's responsibility after that."

I think about when I'd come home and Mimi was the only person in the house cooking after Pa had to work late.

I remember that too. Always cookin' by herself after school for both of us all the time. Oh man Mimi, I've been so tired and hungry these last few days, it's so good to actually eat something nice for once.

Mimi looks at me and smiles, knowing I'm enjoying myself.

"I'm glad you still enjoy my cooking, Danny. You're welcome to come back anytime."

The month passes and I see Dr. Jones for your next visit.

"How do you think you did at managing 1600 calories a day?"

I stare at the log and think about my diet this month.

"Well, overall I think I did pretty good. I definitely didn't achieve my goal of 1600 calories everyday, but I at least made that goal half of the time. And some of those days I made it to 1400 calories, which is a huge improvement."

I feel like I've made real progress in managing my hunger and the feelings aren't overwhelming like they used to be.

"Here are your results. Go ahead and read the final number Mr. Fisher."

I read through the numbers and let out a heavy sigh once I see that I did even better than expected. I feel so relieved to be doing so much better than I thought I was.

"1850, that's way more than I was thinkin' for myself this month! I mean 1400 was a miracle for me, I really didn't expect myself to do any better!"

"You had some good days where you had more calories per day than others. That boosted your average. How have you been able to eat more during these days?"

I think back to a few of the meals I ate and the foods I chose to make up the 1600 or more per day, and the realization of a big reason I did those things hits me.

"I just ate what I really wanted Dr. Jones. I didn't think of myself this month, I just thought about what I wanted to eat and how much I wanted it. Instead of sayin' nope I can't do that and eatin' something like an apple or a salad, I just kinda said to myself... just eat what you want Danny. You'll feel better for it."

"You mean you would purposely eat less than what you had? I didn't know your financial struggles were that bad."

I feel my heart break a little, knowing what I'm about to say might surprise Dr. Jones or make me look bad.

"Well... I would always eat what I had to and make it seem like I ate enough to Mimi and Pa. I just... figured, I could do without some food if I had to."

I look down, feeling a bit ashamed. I know I shouldn't be doing this and it's unhealthy, but I can't help myself. I always want to look out for Mimi and Pa and do my best to protect them from the harsh truth.

"How long have you been doing this?"

I feel my heart sink a little, wishing I didn't have to say it, but I look up at Dr. Jones as I tell him the truth.

"Since our mom passed... so a little over 4 years now."

I try to look up at him with a face that's not too full of shame and guilt and instead look like a strong man who's just doing his best for his family.

"Mr. Fisher I want you to spend this next month eating as much as you can with what you're given. I want to see how much you can eat without any limitations on yourself."

I feel nervous at this idea, but I listen and nod my head slightly.

"Yeah, I can do that. I... I think I can do that Dr. Jones."

I feel a little anxious about eating that much, but I also feel excited. It feels like he's giving me the permission I've needed for so long to fully satisfy my hunger.

"I understand that you have to share food with your Pa, but don't hesitate to eat until you're full."

I sit there thinking about eating all that I can and not hesitating to eat what I need to satisfy my hunger, and my thoughts make me hungry.

I'll eat until I'm full I promise. This next month I'm gonna do just that, eat until I'm full."

"That's all I want you to change. Let's see how that effects your calorie count for the month."

I think about all the things I want to eat and how much I'm going to eat them, letting myself feel the feeling of anticipation and excitement for a chance to eat food I enjoy and eat as much as I want.

"That's all I have to do, just eat 'till I'm full. I know I can do it Dr. Jones, I am going to do it this next month."

"I think if after this month we'll weigh you again. My hope is that you didn't lose weight."

"Yeah, that sounds good to me."

I feel excited as I think about eating all the food I want and not restricting myself to something that barely fills me up. I wonder how I'll react as I see myself gain weight over the next month, and also how Mimi and Pa will react.

"You've been doing a good job at lowering your calorie deficit Mr. Fisher. As long as you keep your activity levels the same and continue to gradually increase your calorie count, you should eventually start to gain weight."

"That sounds good to me Dr. Jones."

I rub my stomach absently as I think about eating as much as I want and knowing that I'm going to be gaining weight for once. I feel my stomach rumbling loud, it's so ready to get started.

"It's a new month, so I'm gonna do exactly what you said. I wanna eat as much as I can for the next month and not worry about it. Just eat whenever I feel like it and let myself enjoy the food."

I look up to Dr. Jones with excitement and determination.

"Excellent."

Time passes and we're at Nellie's place and she's in the kitchen cooking dinner for us. I'm sitting on the couch while she gets everything ready and can hear her moving around the kitchen. My stomach feels so hungry and the smell from the kitchen is making it even worse.

"Come on Nellie, dinner's got me about to eat this wall right here. I'm starving."

Nellie looks up at me from her spot in the kitchen and smiles while coming out to sit next to me on the couch.

"Chicken is almost ready Danny."

"Just a little longer I hope?"

I can feel my stomach rumble and hear the hunger pains coming back as I wait for Nellie to finish gettin' things set up. I look at Nellie and watch the way she moves, she seems so natural when she's cookin', she cooks the way somebody loves to cook. She turns back to the kitchen and I have to stop myself from jumping up and runnin' behind her to get the food.

"I have 5 more minutes unless you want raw chicken."

I can't hold back anymore, I get up and go to the kitchen and stand behind Nellie as I look over her shoulders.

"How 'bout just a little taste Nellie, please? How 'bout just one bite and I won't ask for any more 'til we sit down and eat it as a meal."

Nellie turns around and looks back at me and can't help but laugh. She knows I'm about to explode from hunger.

"You can try my mashed potatoes. Let me know if it needs anything."

I take the spoon from her hand and scoop a giant scoop of mashed potatoes to taste. I look back at her and can see her giggling at me as I'm about to shove the spoon in my mouth.

"I'm sorry Nellie, I'm so hungry. I'm just... I really wanna taste it."

Nellie is still giggling as I slowly take the first bite. It was everything I thought it would be and more, the hot, creamy and smooth potatoes melt in my mouth as my hungrily chews them. I slowly swallow and smile.

"Oh Nellie, you weren't kidding... this is amazing."

"I'm glad you like them Danny."

"I love 'em, this is just what I needed."

Nellie laughs and goes back to finish cooking dinner. She comes back out a few minutes later and serves us the chicken, a couple sides and biscuits with butter. She sits next to me, watching as I dig in to the meal and start eating.

"Oh Nellie, I knew you were the one."

The month passes without event. I'm in the middle of my next appointment with Dr. Jones, seeing him at the end of the month. I haven't gained too much weight but am feeling so much better, knowing that I'm eating the amount my body is asking for. I'm no longer restricting myself to barely enough and feel proud of eating when I'm hungry, and not feeling bad about it.

"Ok Dr. Jones, I'm here for the wrap up. You wanted me to come back at the end of the month, and here I am, you can weigh me and see how I'm doin' with eating."

I hand over my food journal to Dr. Jones and watch as he reads through it. I can't wait to see what he thinks of my progress.

"How did I do Dr. Jones, can I see the number?"

I watch as he shows me the number and feel tears start to flood my eyes with excitement.

"Oh my God, I did it, I did it Dr. Jones! I... I did it."

I'm overcome with emotion in that moment, the results hit me hard and I just wanna hug everyone in the room and feel the relief that I finally made some progress on this eating thing that's been a problem for so long.

"2000 calories average per day Dr. Jones, all month long."

I sit there taking in the number and smiling at all the progress I've made in the last month.

"Yes I was quite impressed that on certain days you hit the 2500 calorie average. How were you able to hit that number on those days?"

I look at Dr. Jones and try to remember what I ate on those days.

"Oh those days, I ate two huge meals. One when I finally woke up, and one before bed. I just went until I couldn't eat anymore, and then had a snack in between. You know, I used to feel scared and guilty about eating so much, but... it felt so different this month eating all that food, it was like I was happy that I was doin' it for myself. I wanted to eat and it felt good to eat... I just felt free."

"Do you think that having a lot more free meals allowed you to have more money to spend?"

My face lights up as I think about it.

"Yeah I think so actually, it really helped. We could actually afford to eat more this month, and it let my family eat better too. We ate more this month than any other month in the last year. And I liked eatin' food without worryin' about what was gonna happen after. I'm not eatin' a whole bunch and then gettin' nothing for the rest of the month. Not this month Dr. Jones, I finally feel like I can eat. It's such a relief."

"Now how have your energy levels been?"

I let out a huge sigh of relief.

"I feel great Dr. Jones! I feel like I can run a marathon, I'm not tired all the time, no more napping in the afternoons. I feel like I have so much energy, I can't explain it. Dr. Jones, it's wonderful. I just feel so alert and ready to take on the world."

The concept of not starving my body for once feels amazing. I'm so used to going without or only eating barely enough, to think that my body isn't starving and that I'm actually giving it the calories it needs to function the way it was meant too... it feels like magic. I feel so happy listening to Dr. Jones explain it.

"So... my body isn't starving anymore? It gets everything it needs, so now it's able to feel good and have energy?"

"Not quite yet but you've been doing a better job at planning when to eat that you haven't felt as fatigued."

I think about it and it makes perfect sense. Before I was always just eating whatever I could whenever I could just to satisfy the hunger. This way, I get better control over my food intake and give my body the schedule it's used to, making it feel more normal.

"Yeah, that's true. This month I was eating breakfast when I should and lunch and dinner at certain times. It didn't feel like I was just grabbing food from when I got hungry and when I had enough, I was eatin' when I was supposed to eat."

"Now to make sure you haven't lost anymore weight it's time to step on the scale, Mr. Fisher."

I feel a rush of anxiety as I prepare to step on the scale. I feel better than I have in a long time but I have no idea if I'm gaining weight or losing weight. I just hope that I'm not still losing weight.

"When you first started this diet plan, you were at 147 lbs. Now because you're still not eating at least 2500 calories you're still going to have a deficit. That means you're still at risk of losing weight. As long as you don't lose more than 5 lbs you'll be ok."

I hold my breath and wait for the results, the dread setting in and all the anxiety starting to build up as I prepare for the results I'm hoping to not see. I feel so anxious and so ready for the answer at the same time. The moment feels like it lasts forever, but finally the number appears on the screen. I look up and see Dr. Jones looking down at the screen and he has a smile on his face.

"145 lbs. You only lost 2 lbs since we started."

"I lost 2 lbs? That's it?"

I feel an overwhelming wave of relief wash over me as I smile the biggest smile I've ever had. It's like all the weight was lifted from my shoulders and for the first time in a long time, I feel like I can breathe again.

"Yes that means the diet plan is working. We're minimizing your calorie deficit to slow down your weight loss."

I keep grinning and nod my head, so relieved with the results Dr. Jones is telling me.

"I'm so happy to hear that, really. What can I do to ensure I don't lose any more weight? Is there anything I can do to help make sure I don't get any weaker or anything like that?"

"Keep going with the diet plan. Also try to keep the calories you burn low."

I nod my head and start to get out of my chair.

"So keep eating all the calories I need to feel full and not hold back and also, just... stay as inactive as I can? That sounds easy enough. I can do that."

I get out of my chair and reach out to shake Dr. Jones's hand.

"Thank you, Dr. Jones. This has been the most helpful month of my life. I really can't thank you enough for what you've done, I feel like I've learned so much and gotten so much better."

"You already have a very physical job performing so you can afford to take it easy outside of work."

I nod along and smile as Dr. Jones continues talking.

"Yeah, that makes sense. Well alright, I'll keep up with the diet and I'll be sure to not exert myself too much outside of work, I'll take it easy."

I turn to leave the room to finish the session and head home and call Nellie, excited to make dinner together and to tell her I got through the month with no problem with my eating and that I'm happy with what Dr. Jones said about my progress.

"I'm so proud of you Danny."

"Thanks, Nellie. I really think I'm gettin' to be where I wanna be."

Another month passes and here I am, sitting back in the chair with Dr. Jones, getting ready for our appointment. I've been sticking with the diet and I'm feeling great. Not only is the weight loss slowing down, but I'm not worried about food anymore. I'm able to eat when I'm hungry and I can feel my body thanking me for giving it the fuel it needs. I can even feel my body fill out with muscle mass as a result of working at the club, I'm in a great place and I'm eager for Dr. Jones to weigh me and see this month's results.

"Have you been able to afford a regular diet plan Mr. Fisher?"

I look up at Dr. Jones and nod, I'm pretty proud of myself and he should be proud of me.

"Yeah, we've been doin' better and eatin' so much more as a family. I got no problem affording food this month, we're all doin' great now. It's like I got a whole new lease on life, we're not stressin' over food and eatin' and we got plans to save some of our money for when we don't have as much work to do in the future."

I smile at Dr. Jones and wait for the results.

"It's good to hear that your financial struggles aren't interfering with your diet plan."

He looks at the scale and writes the number down.

"The last time you were weighed, you were 145 lbs. You're now back to 147. That's a 2 lb gain."

I try to hold my excitement back but I can't stop the smile on my face from growing bigger and bigger.

"I did it, Dr. Jones. I gained back some of the weight I lost and it didn't even come back as fat, I got stronger and my muscles are bigger!"

I can't stop smiling as I feel the relief wash over me, the months of dieting and stress are finally paying off and I finally feel like I've made some serious progress. The numbers don't lie and my body is feeling the change!

"That's right. Despite weighing the same as you did when we first started, you're much healthier now. You should be expected to gain the 13 pounds to get to 160 in about 6 months at the pace you're going."

Another huge smile forms on my face and I look up at Dr. Jones, feeling like this is the greatest news of all time. I finally did it, I'm finally out of the hole and eating healthy and regularly like I should be.

"Now when you first started this diet plan you had anemia and a vitamin D deficiency. I would like you to get a blood test for our next visit."

I nod and smile as I take in the news, so happy that my body is healthy and that I'm out of the hole I spent my teenage years in. I'm so excited to get this done and to get my blood tested next time.

"Will do, Dr. Jones. I just have to make sure I don't do too much physical activity this week, right? Because that might give us a bad reading on the calorie burn?"

"That's right. Once you gain the weight you need we can edit your plan. For now just continue what you did last month."

I nod and sit back in my chair, feeling so relieved to hear just that.

"Sounds good Dr. Jones. I'll keep up with my diet plan and make sure not to do anything too strenuous. I can do that, no problem."

I stand up and reach out to shake Dr. Jones's hand again.

"Thank you for all your help for me this month, you have no idea how good this has been for me. And the news of the weight gain is the cherry on top, this has been a great month for me and next month I'm gonna hit my goals for sure."

I notice myself getting better sleep as the month goes by, getting restful sleep and being satisfied when I wake up each morning.

"Wow... I can't believe how much different I feel. My nightmares are going away and I'm sleeping so much better. I think I'm even feeling better during the day, I just feel so much more confident and comfortable in my own body. Dr. Jones is right, just eating normal meals and not denying myself when I was hungry made such a difference. I can't believe I fought eating for so long, it's so much easier this way."

I go to get my blood test and take a seat.

"Alright nurse, I'm ready when you are."

I look up at her nervously, but excited to see if I'm healthier or not.

"Make a fist, Mr. Fisher."

I do as she says and make a fist, nervous as I look down at my fists and then back at her, awaiting her next instruction.

Do you want me to use a butterfly needle?

I nod my head and then look back at her.

"Yeah, I'm ready."

I feel the needle jab my arm gently and then I feel some pressure and some pain. I try my best to stay brave and let them finish drawing out my blood, feeling the needle still in my arm. I take a deep breath, trying to stay calm.

"I understand you were diagnosed with anemia Mr. Fisher. If you start to feel faint don't hesitate to tell me."

I feel dizzy and light headed but I fight through it and try not to look at the needle. I'm so glad she warned me, it's a little worse than I imagined but I take deep breaths and try to ignore it and keep my mind as free from it as I can.

"Yeah... I'm a little light headed here, but I'm alright."

"I can have the back of the chair lowered. Would that help?"

I start to feel my vision go a little blurred and the dizziness grows and I start to feel woozy.

"Yeah, I think that'd help actually."

I'm feeling very dizzy and light headed and I feel like I might pass out from the light headedness and the needle. I try my hardest to keep calm as I wait for the chair to go down, hoping that will help me.

"Yeah, I think that's better."

I look up at the nurse and try to smile at her, still feeling a bit unsteady but no longer on the verge of passing out.

"I only need to take one more vial of blood. Can you handle this?"

"Yeah... I should be okay."

The nurse switches out the final vial.

"Only a couple more minutes, Mr. Fisher."

As I feel the needle slowly withdraw and hear the last vial getting filled with the blood, I feel a rush of relief and joy over being almost finished. I try my best not to move and to keep my breathing steady as I wait for the very end.

"Ok, Mr. Fisher. How do you feel?

I try to open my eyes but the dizziness has me a little off balance and blurry vision. I take some more deep breaths, still feeling a bit light headed and dizzy but more stable. I look up at the nurse, trying to smile at her but it's a little fuzzy like I'm having trouble seeing.

"A little light headed and... I mean, I don't feel good but... a little better."

She hands me a cup of water and some cookies.

"How long do you think it would be before your Pa picks you up?"

I take the water and drink a little of it and try to eat one of the cookies as well, it's just enough to settle me back down as I look up at her.

"Um, he should be here soon, he's only about a half mile from here."

I swallow the cookie and take some more deep breaths, still feeling a little light headed but now looking up at her and smiling a little more, feeling good about making it through the blood test.

"Well you know what to do once you get home. Just take it easy until he gets here."

I feel a little stronger and not nearly as light headed as before, more so a bit tired, I look up at her, smiling and a little grateful to have a good nurse on hand.

"Alright, son. I'm here."

"Thanks, Pa."

I wake up on the couch later that night, feeling a little out of it but otherwise okay. The weight of the day catches up to me and I feel myself drifting off to sleep again. I'm glad I went through all of the dieting and exercise and the blood test and everything and that it's over and I can now just do my best to maintain. I slowly doze off as I lay back down in the living room of my home, happy to be out of the hole I was stuck in for so long.

"Danny. It's time to go to the doctor's."

I get outta bed and go to the office.

"Now then, Mr. Fisher I'd like to start today's appointment going over your results."

I look up at him nervously, feeling excited but also a little anxious to see where I stand now.

"Yeah, let's get right into it, I've been waitin' all month to hear this."

"These are your previous results that saw you get diagnosed with anemia and deficient in vitamin D. And these are your current results. Let me know if you have any questions, Mr. Fisher."

I take in the results slowly, looking at everything and taking a few deep breaths to collect my thoughts.

"Is... the anemia gone?"

"You're still not at a normal range yet, but both will improve to that level once you gained enough weight."

I sigh, feeling relieved and a little frustrated at the same time.

"Okay... well, how about my weight Dr. Jones? Do we know how much weight I've gained?"

He writes down my weight after I step on the scale.

"Excellent work, Mr. Fisher. You weigh 149 lbs."

I feel the air catch in my chest for a second, stunned at the number. I had hoped that I'd gained more than I actually had, but there's still so much to celebrate.

"Now I was thinking that since you're consistently hitting your calorie count, you would only need to come back in 6 months."

My smile grows as I hear the news.

"6 months? That's... that's awesome! So I don't need to come back next month?"

"That's right, Mr. Fisher."

My smile grows and I put my hands out to my sides, feeling the anticipation of a life finally free of my eating disorder.

"Dr. Jones, I can't wait for that. These 6 months will be over in no time and I'll be living the rest of my life with a healthy body and no food struggles, I know it."

As I work on gaining weight, I run into some of the challenges I've had to work with in the past. I find myself trying to force down my meals which causes me to feel nauseous at times and I sometimes struggle to get enough calories in a day. Despite my best efforts, I find myself feeling discouraged and worried that I'm not gaining enough weight or hitting my calorie goals. As these 6 months pass by, I'm happy to be progressing but still frustrated and worried about whether or not I'm going in the right direction.

"Are you ok Danny?"

I look up at him, noticing him watching over me. I nod my head but it's obvious I'm a bit frustrated.

"Yeah, yeah I'm fine Pa. Just feeling a little down, maybe I'm not eatin' enough or something."

I feel a little embarrassed as I look down at my half finished plate of gumbo.

"I mean... Yeah, I could eat some more but I'm just not sure if I want to, you know? It's a lot of food."

I try to stay positive but it's obvious I'm feeling down and discouraged. It's hard to keep optimistic and I'm worried that my eating has been slowing more than I initially thought.

"Gumbo keeps fine son. It ain’t gonna be wasted if you can’t finish it all."

It's hard for me to listen to him and I feel frustrated for not wanting to eat more. I know I need to gain more weight but this food just isn't agreeing with me and I feel like something is wrong.

"Yeah... alright, I'll try..."

I look slightly disappointed but ultimately get up from the table and take a walk outside to get some fresh air. I try to take some deep breaths outside, feeling a little more relaxed but still not hungry. I take a few more breaths and try to focus on my breathing, trying to relax and let out the pent-up frustration I feel.

"It's not easy, you know. Every day its a struggle to eat the meals and finish them. And I'm always feeling like I'm not hitting the calorie goal and I'm not gaining enough weight and just having this fight with the food all the time. It just really wears me down."

I feel tired and frustrated but try to put on a smile for my Pa.

"I'm okay, Pa. Just... having a hard time eating everything, you know? And I just wanna make sure I'm hitting the calorie goal and getting it in but I just... I'm not hungry. I'm just not hungry like I thought I would be and it's driving me nuts."

I put my head in my hands and feel frustrated and exhausted.

"Come here, son. Let's hug."

I hug him back, feeling so defeated and exhausted. I feel like no matter what I do I'm failing at it and it's so disheartening.

"I just... I don't know what I'm doing wrong."

"You’re thinking about being hungry instead of feeling hungry. It’s a similar feeling to wanting to fall asleep instead of feeling tired."

I feel the tension come out of my body as what he just said suddenly clicks with me.

"Oh. That makes sense. So just go by my body and when I feel full, then stop? I don't need to force myself to finish the plate?"

"I know it’s important for you to eat a certain amount of calories a day and it’s good that you keep track. Just don’t let your eating habits revolve around a specific number."

I nod my head.

"Yeah, you're right. I'm sorry I made such a big deal out of this. I'll just try to listen to my body and just eat until I feel full or satisfied. And if I don't finish a plate that's fine too. It's okay if I have a bit of leftovers. I'm just gonna stop obsessing over hitting the calories and try to relax and eat like I used to."

I feel a bit better, knowing I'm on the right track now and realizing my mindset about eating was just a little off. I have to trust my body.

"You always ate good when we have dinner with Mimi. Just keep yourself relaxed when you need to eat."

"That's good advice Pa, thanks. I've gotta remember that and keep on track."

I sit back down and notice my half eaten gumbo. I stare at it for a moment and think back to what my Pa said before.

"That's right, if I'm full then the gumbo will be fine tomorrow and I can always eat it then."

I reach out and pick up my spoon, but I pause for a moment and look at him.

"It's still okay if I don't finish this, right?"

"That’s right son. No point in force feeding yourself. You’d end up vomiting and losing your appetite."

I nod my head and finally let go of the need to finish everything and begin eating. I take a few bites of gumbo, enjoying the taste and knowing that my stomach is feeling a little better than before. I don't force myself to finish everything, knowing that it'll keep til tomorrow. This feels much better and much more relaxing.

"This is good, Pa, not forcing everything. I really need to just listen to myself."

I put my spoon down and take a drink of water.

"Well if you’re done I’ll put the pot away and maybe in a few minutes you can finish your bowl."

I nod my head, contented with just having a small amount. I notice the pot being put away and realize that I just need to stick to this pattern and know that I don't have to finish everything.

"Yes, that sounds good. I'm good for now and I'm happy. This is the best I've felt in months."

I continue to feel relief wash over me as I realize I'm feeling so much better with food and my relationship with it.

"Pa, I'm going to my last appointment."

"Good luck, Danny."

I walk into Dr. Jones' office and sit down in the chair, feeling a little nervous and anxious but also excited to find out. I look over to him and give him a little smile.

"Hey, Dr. Jones, how are you today? I'm here for my appointment and just wanted to see if I met the goal we set in place for me. I should be about a hundred and sixty pounds, right?"

I look at him with a sense of anticipation, hoping that I met the goal and can start focusing on maintaining and not gaining. I cross my fingers and wait for his response.

"Alright, Mr. Fisher. We're ready to check you weight."

I step onto the scale and look at the numbers, not sure what to expect. It's been three months since my diet started and I know I've been doing really well eating as consistently as possible. I hope that's reflected in the number on the scale. I take a deep breath and look at the number, feeling like so much of this journey has been leading up to this point. I see the number 161 pop up on the scale and I feel so relieved. I feel my eyes well up as I see the number come up. I did it, I met the goal.

"Wow... I did it. I'm actually at 161 pounds and that's where I needed to be."

"Well done. How have you felt ever since you started this weight gain journey?"

I look at him for a moment and think about the question before giving him an answer.

"I feel, I feel so much better. I have more energy and I feel happier overall. It's strange, I used to never be hungry. My stomach felt full all the time and I felt like I was gonna have to force food down just to hit my calorie count every day. Now, though, I'm just hungry naturally. I feel like my body is finally sending me the right signals and I'm eating when I'm hungry but not over eating. It's... amazing honestly."

"You first came here because you said your therapist wanted to rule out physical issues causing your sleeping problems. Have your nightmares improved at all?"

My expression changes as I get a little sad.

"Actually... yeah, they have. I used to have really intense, frightening nightmares. It was one of the things that really affected my sleep. Now I don't really have them as much, just normal dreams and ones that I can wake up from easily, but I don't remember the last time I had the really intense nightmares. I just... sleep easier at night and feel more at peace. I'm not sure if it's just knowing I'm making progress with my diet or if it was something else, but I'm happy they're gone."

"In that case, we're going to move onto the final stage of your diet plan."

I look up at him with a mixture of excitement and a little bit of nervousness too.

"Oh, okay. What comes next after reaching the goal? I'm a little scared about what's happening next. I don't have to keep on dieting do I? I was really looking forward to not having to worry about eating all the time."

I laugh and give him a smile, wondering what the last stage would require of me.

"This final stage is finding the right amount of calories you would need to maintain your current weight since your activity level is consistent."

I nod my head and take in what he's saying.

"Alright, let's get to it then. How will we figure out what that new calorie range is going to be? I'll do my best to stick to it, just tell me what we need to do to make it happen."

I lean forward in my chair and smile over to him, feeling confident and eager to follow through with the final steps now that the goal has been reached.

"There's a certain formula I can use that calculates how much you burn. When you perform at the King Creole what exactly do you do for how long each day?"

I think back to the times when I've been dancing and singing at the King Creole. I know that I definitely feel like I'm moving a lot and that it's pretty active, but I don't want to over estimate it so...

"I'd say it's probably more of a low impact dancing that I do for at least 3-4 hours. A lot of the songs that I've found work best for me are more of a slow groove than anything else."

"In that case you would burn at least 1000 calories alone just by performing."

My eyes go a little wide as I hear the number and I look over to Dr. Jones to confirm.

"Is that right? I'm burning at least 1000 calories a day just by performing at the King Creole every night?"

"Unfortunately we don't have any means of recording exactly what you burn so that number is merely an estimate. I believe to give you a good range we can start off with a 2500 calorie minimum."

I nod my head and feel a little worried, wondering if this is going to be difficult to maintain.

"I can do that, for sure. I don't want to keep on gaining weight but I definitely don't want to start losing any either. Can we weigh me every week or every month to make sure I'm sticking with things? I can weigh myself at home too so I don't have to keep coming back to see you unless it's necessary."

"I would weigh yourself every month. At this point you won't have to keep coming back. Just schedule an appointment when you think it's needed."

I nod my head and smile.

"That's fair. I'll make sure to keep things steady, monitor my eating and stay on top of my weight."

I stretch and feel my arms, feeling the new muscle definition and enjoying the way it feels to be this size now.

Thank you, Dr. Jones, I really appreciate everything you've done for me. I can't tell you how much better I feel now and I'm looking forward to this next stage."

It's my 20th birthday party and life couldn't be any better. I'm on stage at the King Creole and singing one of my favorite songs to perform at this point. It's a song that I've always wanted to sing and it's just a fun and upbeat track to get the crowd going and keep them engaged. My hair is much longer than before the diet and it flows with every movement I make on stage. I'm enjoying a drink to celebrate the day and I look out at my friends who have come out to the nightclub to celebrate with me. I'm smiling and having the time of my life and feeling incredibly happy about everything.

"Happy birthday Danny."

I look over to Nellie and smile, feeling so happy to see her and grateful that she's come out tonight.

"Thank you, Nellie. I can't believe I'm already at this age. I feel like I was just turning 18 a few days ago! I've been looking forward to this night and thank you so much for coming out to celebrate with me."

I look over to her and see the way she's dressed tonight, her hair done really nice and a beautiful smile on her face.

"You look amazing tonight, Nellie."

She wraps her arms around me.

"It's not everyday you turn 20 years old."

I return the hug and make it long, feeling how good it is to put my arms around her.

"I can't believe it, it doesn't feel like I'm this old, but I'm grateful that I have so many people around me to celebrate with today. I'm so glad you could come and see my show tonight."

"I wouldn't miss it for the world, Danny."

"Thank you so much... you know how much it means to me that you're here. I don't think the night could be any better if I tried."

I lean in closer and look at her.

"Hey, can I ask you somethin'?"

"Of course."

I look around to make sure there's no one else around that could hear us.

"I've... been wantin' to ask you something for a while now. I just... I get so nervous every time 'cause I don't want to ruin what we have and I'm scared you'll say no."

I take a deep breath and look at her.

"I've been wantin' to ask you if maybe you'd wanna... go out sometime? I think your hair is just gorgeous by the way."

I look down at her hair and smile at her as it flows down past her shoulders.

"Yo Danny, getta drink homie!"

I laugh and take the mug, feeling a little nervous but also a little drunk. I look at her and smile, seeing how beautiful she is and trying to muster up the courage to ask her. I gulp down some of the beer and decide that now's as good a time as any to give it a shot.

"Hey Nellie."

I look back at her and feel the courage start to rush through my veins. I can do this, I want to do this.

"Hey. I've been meaning to ask you this for a while now and it's kinda why I've been so nervous around you."

Without thinking too much, I just come right out and say it to her.

"I've always had a thing for you and I've wanted to ask you out for a long time now. There were so many times I wanted to just tell you how I felt but I was afraid you wouldn't feel the same way. Well tonight... I'm just too drunk and feeling too happy not to just tell you that you're amazing and that I really like you."

She follows me over and sits with me on the couch in the dressing room.

"Hey, Nellie."

I look at her and feel the nervous energy come back as I anticipate her answer. I cross my fingers under my thigh and wait for her to say something one way or the other. She looks at me and I smile, feeling like I might have finally found the courage to tell her how I feel like I should have so much sooner.

"Yes Danny?"

I'm completely lost in the moment as I watch her get closer and feel my heart start pounding out of my chest. This is it, I'm about to find out if she likes me back or not.

"So, it took me a while to work up the courage, but I just have to ask. Do you like me? I mean, the way I like you?"

I look at her and wait, biting my lip and feeling every movement and breath from both of us. She's so close and I can smell her perfume. It feels like every nerve in my body is firing at once.

"Oh Danny."

My eyes widen when she kisses me suddenly, the taste and smell of her sending me into a tizzy of sensation and emotion. I pull her in closer and kiss her back with all the passion in my body, my hands roaming up her back and pulling her in closer and closer. I move slowly and sensually with her, letting my feelings take over and my lips exploring hers and finding something new to love and appreciate each time they meet. I can't believe this is happening and even if this is the apex of the kiss, I want this feeling to never end.

"Nell, honey."

I'm on top of her on the couch, moving my body so it's pressed up against hers. The music blasting from the speakers outside fills the room as we kiss and the feeling that I'm dreaming washes over me. I run my fingers through her hair and move my lips to her neck, kissing her softly as my heart beats faster and faster. I pull away for a moment and look at her, seeing her eyes close and feeling like I want this moment to last forever.

"Nellie, I..."

"Yes, Danny?"

I look her in the eyes and try to find the courage to say what I've been feeling for so long but that I haven't had the strength to tell her.

"I... I love you."

I feel the passion in this moment take over as we continue to kiss. I pull her closer and feel the heat radiating out of our bodies as I move my tongue inside her mouth and our lips explore each others for all that this kiss can offer. My heart is pounding and I move one hand to her hair and the other to grab the bottom of her back. The music pounds outside the dressing room and we're lost in each other. My hands roam over her body and pull her in even closer. I hold onto her tighter and move my leg over her and feel both of us getting lost in sensation.

"Oh Danny."

I groan into her mouth and pull her close again as I wrap myself around her. Our bodies are so close to the point where I feel like we're one. I run my hands down her body and move my hand up her leg. We're so close to what we both want and the tension is becoming unbearable.

"Nellie..."

I whisper softly, feeling like I should be saying more but I'm unable to get the words out. My voice is raspy, my body trembling as I want to tell her how much I love her and how badly I want this to keep going.

"I think we're ready."

I take in a deep breath and move back away from her momentarily but keep myself on top of her. I look at her and feel like we've reached the ultimate point in the relationship we've been building together. I'm feeling the music from the stage outside and can hear the crowd outside, but the only noise that matters to me is the beating of my heart as I watch her and wait for what she's going to say next.

"Nellie... I think we're ready too."

I move my hands to her hair and let my lips explore her body, moving closer as I hear the music outside. Our breath slows as we both realize what we're about to do and the moment in front of us. I take in a deep breath and look into her eyes, trying to take in every feature of her face as we move closer together. I run my hands down her throat and body, the feeling of her skin sending shivers down from my head all the way out to my toes.

"Nellie..."

The music is loud and our bodies are pressed up against each other as we move closer and closer together. My mind is lost in sensation and the music and the atmosphere all around and I can feel her body against mine as we continue to move closer and closer to what we both want. My hands explore every part of her body and I try to memorize every detail. I kiss her harder and harder, trying to get as close as we can as time slows down and we're caught in each other's arms. I can no longer hold back and she can't either.

"Oh Danny! Danny!"

I grip her close and feel the climax approach quickly. I move my body against hers, feeling like we're the only people in the world.

"Nellie..."

I whisper and can feel her body against mine. Time slows down and I feel everything happening in the moment as my body reaches its climax. Nellie. I whisper softly once more and move myself against her, trying to hold back as much as I can but it's impossible. Everything outside the dressing room disappears and I feel like I can't breathe.

"Nellie..."

I whisper again, losing myself in sensation.

"Yes Danny! Yes!"

Everything is happening at once and I'm lost in it, my body moving on its own. I hold her close and let it happen, every inch of my body feeling a release and satisfaction like I've never experienced before. Everything is lost in passion and climax as I hold her close.

"Nellie!!"

I say loudly and continue to move against her, holding her close and losing myself in the moment completely.

"Danny!"

I feel like I'm losing control of my body as every sense I have is being overwhelmed with pleasure. Everything inside me is telling me to hold onto Nellie and never let go. I kiss her face and hold her tighter as the feeling of a release runs through me, feeling like the most incredible thing I've ever experienced.

"Nellie!!"

I yell out loudly and feel her move against me as well, feeling a pleasure equal to what I'm giving her, knowing that it's a shared moment of passion and release.

"DANNY!"

The moment continues to build as we hold onto each other and our senses go numb and we feel the release of the climax wash over us as the music outside drowns everything else out. It feels like the perfect moment of passion and joy and the ultimate release of everything that's been building between us. Nellie screams out in pleasure and I scream as well, letting all of the passion and joy and energy out and onto her, and feeling her do the same right back to me. It's the biggest and best release of everything I've ever felt.

"Oh Danny."

I lay on top of her and rest my head on her chest, feeling like we've just reached a new level of intimacy. I look up at her and see her looking down at me, the light of the stage outside falling on us and giving us a warm glow. I'm smiling and feel myself getting emotional, seeing how beautiful she is and feeling our connection. Things that have felt so out of reach for me are now more than possible with her. I sniffle and try to hold back tears of joy and look up at her.

"Are you alright, Danny?"

I smile and look at her again, seeing the glow of the light come over her and the beauty in her face. The tears fall down my cheeks and I wipe them away, still wanting to be in the moment. The music outside blasts us and we're lost in this feeling together.

"Yeah, Nellie."

I whisper and look at her again.

"I'm better than alright. I'm better than wonderful, Nellie."

I close my eyes and smile at her as she rubs my head and holds me tightly. Even as the moment begins to die down and the excitement wanes, I feel completely content and satisfied. I look at Nellie and smile.

"Nellie... I have something I want to tell you..."

I hold my breath for a moment, trying to find the words in the moment.

"Nellie... everything that... everything I've ever felt for you..."

I close my eyes and feel like the next words I say are the most important of my entire life, and I say them quietly but with everything in my body. I feel that my world just stopped and nothing else matters except her and the feelings I have for her. She looks at me and smiles.

"Nellie... are you... do you feel the same way? I mean, do you love me too?"

I ask, feeling like my heart and soul are in her hands. I look down at her and wait, feeling nervous yet so excited for her answer.

"Of course I do, Danny."

I smile at her and move closer again, wanting to be even closer to her than before. I rest my head on her chest and feel happy that I've found my true love. I feel like I got everything I ever wanted out of this night.

"I love you, Nellie. I really do. And I want to be with you every second of the day. No matter where go or what I do, I want you to be there."

"Danny if I didn't know any better, I'd think you were proposing."

The mention of marriage scares me a bit but I also realize that I do want her in my life forever.

"Well... that idea has crossed my mind. Nellie... will you marry me?"

I look at her with a smile, feeling like I'm asking the most important question of my life right now.

"Of course, Danny. I just hope you can remember asking in the morning."

I laugh and lay my head on her chest again, closing my eyes again. I rest my head on her as I try to absorb every second of this moment.

"Nellie... I'd never forget this night..."

I'm so full of happiness and love that it only takes a few seconds for me to fall asleep. I cuddle up close to Nellie and feel her rubbing my head still, feeling like every moment that passes is taking us closer to our future together. I drift off into a dream of Nellie and me in our home, her by my side for the rest of our lives, taking in all of the love I feel for her and her loving me back.

"Sleep well, Danny."

I lay on my back in bed on our wedding night and feel Nellie laying next to me, looking up at the ceiling and smiling. She turns to my side and faces me, propping her head up with a pillow. I smile back and feel happy and content, staring down at her face as she stares back at me.

"Nellie... are you happy?"

"Yes. We're married now. And I'm so glad that you've been feeling better."

I feel like I'm about to tear up just thinking about how beautiful tonight has been. I look at Nellie and try to hold back my tears but it's almost impossible.

"Nellie, you... you're amazing. Everything about this day... it's been perfect."

I reach over to her and pull her close, wrapping my arms around her and kissing her softly on the cheek. I smile at her and pull her in close, kissing her on the lips softly and slowly. The feeling of her warm body close to mine and her kisses lighting up my soul is the best feeling in the world.

"How do you want to spend our honeymoon?"

I close my eyes and think for a moment, wanting to make the most of every second with Nellie.

"I don't know, Nellie. I just want to be with you everywhere we go. But... I've always wanted to take you to Key West."

I smile and look at her, seeing the beauty in her smile and eyes as she looks back at me. I pull her in close and kiss her cheek again.

"We could get a great spot on the beach, spend time on the sand, swim in the water... what do you think?"

"That sounds great. My cousin Toby's the sheriff there."

I smile again and feel butterflies in my stomach.

"That's right, you have family down there. Well, maybe we could pay Toby a visit and you could show me more of the town. We could drive around all weekend, maybe rent a boat and go fishing."

I lean in to kiss her but stop, wanting to make sure this moment is right.

"Nellie, this is probably a bit premature, I know, but... do you think we'll be ready for kids pretty soon?"

I look at her and feel a bit nervous about whether or not she feels the same way.

"Well. Now that we're alone, I think it's about time I tell you."

I look at her and raise an eyebrow, wondering what she's going to tell me. I smile but also feel my heart speed up.

"Yes, Nellie... what's on your mind?"

I lean in to brush her hair away from her face and wait, wanting the moment to be perfect for whatever she's about to tell me.

"Do you remember the night of your 20th birthday party at the King Creole?"

I nod quickly and think back to that night, feeling like something is about to come up that I've never noticed before. I smile at her and keep my face close to hers, waiting for her to tell me what she's been waiting to say.

"I remember it... why am I getting nervous now?"

I laugh nervously as I feel the butterflies in my stomach take off.

"Nellie, tell me, what is it?"

"I wanted to wait until after we were married, but I'm going to have a baby."

My face lights up with joy and I look at her.

"You're pregnant?! Nellie? Is that what you were avoiding telling me this whole time?"

I feel like a thousand pounds have been lifted off my shoulders, knowing that everything I ever wanted is coming to me in an amazing surge of emotion. I feel like I could pick her up out of the bed and carry her like a princess right now.

"That's right, Danny."

I lean in to kiss her but quickly stop, the thought of the child growing inside of her sending another wave of joy through me. I smile and feel my mind racing with possibilities.

"Nellie... this is everything I ever wanted in the world. Nellie, we're going to have a little boy or girl running around the house in no time! It'll be hard work, but a baby is the ultimate reward. I promise to be the best father you could ever imagine."

I reach over and take her hand and smile at her, wanting her to know that we're in this together.

"Nellie... you're going to be a great mother. I've never been more certain of anything than right now."

I look at her and see her beautiful face smiling at me, the glow in her eyes and the joy on her face telling me that I'm with the right person to start a family. It's perfect. It couldn't be better.

"I'm so glad that you're alright with this."

I look at her and laugh softly.

"Nellie, I'm more than alright with this. This is everything. I'm so happy to share it with you. I love you."

Our honeymoon continues and we spend time walking on the beach, in the sun, holding hands, taking in the beauty around us. We drive around the island, stopping along the way to get a bite to eat and see some of the sights. The baby grows inside Nellie and her belly starts to show slightly, but she feels fine and her spirits and mine couldn't be higher. We stay in Key West for the weekend, then head back to New Orleans. It's been a perfect vacation and I'm ready to start a family with Nellie.

[halfmoth-halfman]

WHAY THE FUCK?! WHAT THE FUCK?!

i kid you not my boyfriend RAN when he saw my shocked face reading this chapter whilst i was cooking dinner as well lils

HE RAN.

IVE GOT SO MUCH TO SAY???? during the whole fight with Graves and Kira vs Canary all i was thinking about in my head was the song ‘beat his ass bro! beat his ass!’ GOWAN CANARYYYYY!! shank that man and that bitch up!!! 🥳🥳

PRICE???? man’s is redeeming himself omds

i’d be like SMITTEN. SMITTEN. if i was canary

and her ptsd is so beautifully portrayed!!! as another girl who has ptsd it’s so accurate and so comforting to see a proper representation of PTSD. at the height of my symptoms I was like Canary; paranoid, anxious, and had such a short fuse and i thought everyone hated me for it. but to see it portrayed so accurately and how everyone accommodates canary and her needs makes me tear up icl 🥹 every single time. with happy tears of course. so i have to thank you for the portrayal, from the bottom of my heart thank you mother mothie it’s so lovely to see.

BUT PLEASE TELL ME CANARY IS OKAY LIKE??? GIRL HAS NOT GOT A GOOD TRACK RECORDS WITH CARS

and the poor house ☹️☹️ it probably had feelings like poor house; devastated from a fictional house

absolutely wonderful again mother!! hope this wasn’t too ramble like! hope your weekend was good 🩷

– 🪼

aalsdkjas he said he wasn't invested and now look at him LOL

canary really deserves to just go ham on graves and kira tbh, like if he was capable i'm sure price would string graves up like a piñata and let canary go wild (and maybe take a few swings himself)

i know i've said it a million times but price loves her like so much, like if she wanted him to he'd probably step down from running the 141 for her. and even if she never loves him back again, he would do anything for her to make sure she feels safe and comfortable for the rest of her life, which i think canary is realizing 👀

a lot of canary's reactions and feelings are based on my own experiences and similar experiences i've seen, and the anger esp was something that really resonated with me. and like she knows she's being mean, and she doesn't want to be, but she doesn't have a way to really work through those emotions and that trauma yet. and i think the 141 knows that she's going through something and it'll help once graves and makarov are gone, so they're a little more lenient and willing to be there for her despite her jabs at them. plus, y'know, the guilt.

but it's also a little self-indulgent way for me to see a character getting the comfort and patience i wish i would've gotten when i was going through something similar. i'm so glad canary and what she's going through and how she's slowly healing feels real enough to resonate with people. it's something i always worry about because i know reactions and processing aren't the same for everyone, but it's comforting (ig??) to know that people find her realistic.

it's a happy ending so i feel like i have to say she's okay, but i guess we'll just have to wait and see......tho i wouldn't blame her if she decided to stay away from cars for a while

the house def hurt to write, but we don't know the full damage yet right??? it could still be salvageable!!!!

this wasn't too much of a ramble at all, i always love answering your asks!!!! i hope you have an amazing day and that you enjoy the final chapter!!!! 💜

[aletterinthenameofsanity]

Thirteen & Eleven & Loneliness (Eleven/Amy/Rory writing progress pt. 27)

I'm writing what should be a minor interlude very late in the series where Thirteen and Eleven's timelines intersect for a brief moment and let me tell you, I was not on any level expecting for Eleven to be the one with more emotional baggage considering the fact that he actually spends a lot of this series getting emotionally healthy while Thirteen is just dealing with... a lot but because I intersected their timelines at just the right spot somehow she is the emotionally healthy one in this scenario which just feels all kinds of weird, y'know?

But also writing this scene (and the rest of the series) made me realize why writing these two incarnations of the Doctor have captivated me so much: weirdly enough, considering the fact that they travel with multiple companions at once, they (in canon) feel like the loneliest Doctors to me, the ones who try to keep their companions at an emotional distance, the ones who internalize so much of their baggage and don't let anyone see. Like, writing from their POVs is just opening up all of the cans of worms in terms of self-isolation and trauma and the longing for affection without knowing how to ask for it and being alien and adrift but wanting a connection so badly but never figuring out how to let anyone in without tearing apart their hearts in the process-

And I think I just figured out why I was so interested in giving them someone(s) that they could spend forever with. That they could have that guarantee with (despite their bouts of self-doubt/wrestling with faith&trust throughout this series). Because the sad truth of both of their runs is that they didn't have forever. And they only became more alone as a result (of Eleven losing Amy and Rory, beginning to cut himself off before they died and then losing himself afterward, and Thirteen being too aware of the inevitability of tragedy, leading to her self-sabotaging before she could even begin). And that's the tragedy of every Doctor, I know (save maybe Nine), but it just aches so much more with these two in particular.

[mingos]

@ncfertari asked: hc + celestial dragons

[ send me hc + a word & I’ll write a headcanon based on it ]

(apologies, ziggy. i know you sent me three, but i knew the moment you sent this, it was going to be a huge thing and i was correct. so, separate post it is.)

　okay, so a while ago i talked about child psychology & how child brains process sudden life change and/or trauma in relation to how doflamingo's behavior (at least in the beginning, y'know... before the murder part) really wasn't that out of the ordinary considering what he was conditioned to believe & how he was conditioned to act up until that point.

this is kind of an extension of that... that is to say, this is essentially going to be "abandonment issues: the headcanon".

the celestial dragons were his peers; his community, his family, his homeland. when you're that young, your community and the people you surround yourself with is everything. you don't know anything else yet. yet, even before he returned to mary geoise and the celestials tried to kill himーhe had already been abandoned by them twice.

once was when they were initially kicked out/ordered to leave for good, and the second was overhearing his father's phone call with them where they refused to take the family back even though they were being hunted & abused down on the surface.

once again, you're a childーyou didn't ask for this. you're not the one that wanted to leave, this was your father's mistake not yours. yet, your father is pleading for you to be allowed to come home, to be with your communityーto place where you'll be warm, and protected, and safeーand they're telling you... no, we don't want you.

-

the fact that doflamingo was so confident that he could return to mary geoise so long as he could 'prove himself' by punishing his father is proof enough that he didn't believe this at first. like... of course notーwhat do you mean i can't go home? what do you mean i'm not welcome anymore? that's my home. i have family there.

not just 'family' in the community sense, like... literal blood family; mjosgard donquixote is most likely a cousin or uncle of his (it's hard to tell because st. charlos is supposed to be 25 that he looks like that, but we know he was already an adult ten years ago when he met otohime).

and then, he shows up. and then, they try to kill him. his own family was trying to kill himーthough, whether or not that's ironic considering he killed his own father is besides the point.

and then, when his family probably made it clear that they weren't going to help him, he most likely sought out other people in his community that he knew and felt safe around. school teachers or tutors. schoolmates. friends. and they would have all either iced him out, treated him as lesser, or joined in with the people trying to kill him. so, in summation: all of the people he had known or trusted up until that point in his life had either 'betrayed' him (in his own mind, anyway), or were now trying to kill him.

-

i was talking to a non-op rpc friend about him and was kind of summarizing his backstory in a jokey way where i called his grudge against the celestial dragons petty & spiteful, and it's.... spitefulーbut it's not petty. not at all.

it's the result of deep-seeded abandonment issues and the trauma & embarrassment of having your entire community (the only community you've known up until that point in your life) violently other you & turn against you. try to kill you. treat you lesser. put a bounty on your head.

as an adult, he no longer cares about being a celestial dragon and if they took him back tomorrow he would probably refuseーbut he's never going to forgive them for that. ever.

[ru5t]

knowing your partner can potentially make writing together a lot easier !

– BASICS.

♡ NAME: Hannah

♡ PRONOUNS: she/her

♡  AGE: 25+

♡  TIME ZONE: CST (GMT -5)

–THREE FACTS.

♡ I moderate a(n overw.atch) twitch channel/community! It's good fun and very dear to me but also sooooo so frustrating, sometimes.

♡ When I was little I was convinced I was going to grow up to become a veterinarian. I do not think the level of schooling or the uhhhhh amount of strong stomach it takes is actually for me.

♡ I strongly suspect I have an anxiety disorder and ADHD(? or a similar symptom set) but have no official diagnoses. At any rate, executive dysfunction you bitch.

–EXPERIENCE.

♡   HOW LONG (MONTHS / YEARS?): I have been on tumblr since 2011 but I've been storytelling/rping basically since like. ... You know how most kids act out their imaginative play? I did a looooooooottttt of "explaining" (/narrating, whatever you want to call it) and very little physical playing-things-out. Yes, I know what that is a common early indicator of. I'm unpacking that one shhhhh.

♡   PLATFORMS YOU’VE USED: uhhhh paper (as in i'd pass a notebook back and forth with school friends), IMVU, dA, various dms, twitter, forums, tumblr, a chatroom i forgot the name of we'd use for tumblr 'events', discord, wire

♡   BEST EXPERIENCE: Actually just the experience of rp in general. I have learned a lot through writing and the people who gave me grace in the process of it.

–MUSE PREFERENCES.

♡   MASCULINE OR FEMININE: I don't think I have a preference, per se? But I do seem to gravitate toward guy canons, whereas my OC roster tends to be waaaay more fluid and diverse, but I don't think there's any particular reason for this? Just the pattern of characters who appeal to me tend to be dudes in popular media, I guess? I did almost write Liz from Hellb.oy and Nomi from Sens.e8, in addition to the other canon ladies I have on the multi+Kiri's blog.

♡  FLUFF, ANGST OR SMUT: I actually kind of like. what I will call exploring? You put two characters in a box. Sometimes you shake it, or put a blanket in there, but mostly you just.... see what happens. Also tho I'm the fluff queen ♥ Good angst/whump has to come from somewhere and go somewhere else, I don't like to force it or just throw it around without reason or consequence, if that makes sense? And I like smut in theory but I don't have a lot of practice and my comfort level is a verrry narrow ledge I'm working on building up better, because genuinely it seems fun and interesting.

♡   PLOTS OR MEMES: I enjoy a little bit of bg plotting but also sometimes just really want to completely wing it and feel out the chemistry before committing to anything. Once we have a ground floor I like to build (and spiral)!!! I struggle with doing a bunch of memes when there's no floor to stand on, it starts to get really challenging in an un-fun way, and I feel like it's repetitive and uninteresting to write and to read. If a dynamic never has footing it can never evolve, y'know? Gotta give me something, something has to stick at some point.

♡   LONG OR SHORT REPLIES: No preference! Even when I start out 'short' I find I often end up unspooling into longer stuff but it doesn't have to I'm just wordy. I don't care if I consistently get shorter stuff back, as long as it suits the like. Yes, and. of it all. As long as there's something to work forward from I'm chillin!

♡   BEST TIME TO WRITE: I don't have a conscious preference but I do seem to have more success in early morning hours. No idea what that's about.

♡ ARE YOU LIKE YOUR MUSE(S): Sometimes. A lot of them get teeny tiny bits and pieces of my views or opinions. I have never felt more Seen by a show than when Luke Pat.terson ghost-apparitioned into my life, even if his One Thing is not my One Thing, but we don't have to unpack that. Me 'n Henry have some childhood traumas in common (except he lives in a fairytale where he gets a thing I don't get) but I don't know that he's particularly like me. Maddy did super duper on a technicality start out as a form of self insert, but it's complicated because also super duper on a technicality so did her mom (who actually existed first! which is rare. Normally I build center-out but this time it was a generation back and Tech just sort of happened, which was crazy and fun), and they both really migrated away from that sooo quickly that it's weird to me to think that was ever even technically true. In the long run Maddy got more of 'me' than Mayhem ever did but it has always been in a hyperbolic and/or metaphorical way. She's definitely grown with me, which has been an Experience and a half. All of them, by virtue of being written by me, are subject to my sense of humor in the narrative parts of the writing, whether they would think it's funny or not.

[esta-elavaris]

1, 9, 21, and 38!

who is/are your comfort character(s)? James Norrington, Boromir, and Vasya from the Winternight Trilogy.

The first two because? They're just such Good and Honourable Men - I almost said in spite of their flaws, but honestly because of them? Because they face them and regret them and try to fix them as best they can? I don't think I'd ever have looked twice at either beyond "o he's cute" if they were just archetypal perfect warriors who win battles and go home.

And Vasya because I see a lot of myself in certain aspects of her - although she's far more badass. But, y'know, aspirational ig!

which do you prefer, hot coffee or cold coffee? Both but I tend to drink it hot just because it's easier to make a good hot coffee than a good iced one. Like sometimes I'll make a hot coffee, put it in a flask by my bed for morning if I need to be up and ready to go quickly, so I drink it cold then but it's not proper *iced* coffee. Also fuckin love an iced mocha frappucino when I'm able to snag one - but I hate ordering in coffee shops bc it's always so loud and I feel like I never hear what the server is asking me, it's a bad time for all involved.

something you’ve kept since childhood? God slight trauma dump ahead feel free to skip, nothing too sinister, there was this very old book called The Hugs and Kisses Contest that my father used to read to me when I was a kid. My relationship with him completely fell apart over the course of a couple of years, for reasons tied up into the homelessness mess, it's a very long and tedious story that nobody wants to hear or tell but it's difficult to sort of summarise, but the point is amongst all of that when we were sorting through 25 years worth of shit to either bin or keep before we had to be out of there for good, in my very last hour of being in the house I'd lived in since birth, having gone from being very very very close to not speaking at all beyond what was absolutely necessary, and we found the book at the back of a shelf and he asked me whether I wanted to throw it out or keep it and I just said "keep" and left the room. It was A Lot. Not to get all 2deep for that one, but it's the only thing I could think of 🙃 just a thing of "things will never be how they once were, it can't be fixed, but I'm grateful for what good there was while it was there."

Anyway I started CTW when all of that was in the process of going down, and finished it when the dust had finally settled afterwards, and I think it uhhh shows at times. In hindsight it definitely does, but none of it was intentional while writing. Funny how that works!

a soap bar that smells good? God, wouldn't it be funny if I was like "ah, yes, the soap my estranged relative once gave me--" and just killed the vibe even more?

Nah there's this artisanal one my nana gets me every year for as part of my Christmas from this Scottish-based company and it smells gorgeous - very subtle, like not super floral or citrus or anything, but really nice! It's called After the Rain.

Thank you!! 💜 (And sorry for the sudden intense answer!)

[multiplicity-positivity]

When I tried to come out to my therapist as a system, just just told me to: a) stop faking because we've never shown signs of it (we don't experience amnesia and, you know, talk to each other out of front, that makes it easy To pretend to be our host)

b) once she realized that we are a system, because something fucked up happened that forced us to come out to the host's mother, she told us to... stop being a system? Stop "entertaining alters" and "letting other people live 'my' life" (she wasn't even talking to our host at the time)

because, y'know, accepting that we're a system is good for us, and the one time out host tried to ignore it went to shit for everyone really fast, our therapist dropped us. (She was spewing her own trauma at us by the end, I think she formed too much of an emotional attachment.)

@st-ffyst-ff-s-stem

oh, jeez. thank you for sharing y’all’s experience with us. it sounds to us like y’all just have a bad therapist. unfortunately therapists are people too, and it’s all too common for people to have horrible experiences with therapy due to having a therapist who is uneducated in their particular disorder, doesn’t care about their patients, or centers their own trauma and experience instead of focusing on their patients.

please consider seeking help from a different therapist. not every therapist is going to automatically be a good fit with every patient. especially if she is not a specialist in dissociative disorders, trauma, and plurality, then she may not have the best approach (and it sounds like she clearly doesn’t) with y’all’s best interests in mind.

when “therapy shopping,” please be up front and honest about what you’re experiencing from your very first appointment. if the therapist cannot take you and your concerns seriously, then seeking help from someone else may be the best option.

to be completely honest, our therapist tried to exclusively deal with our host at first. it was only after we had a serious discussion about our system, the language that works best for us, and how important individual autonomy is for our system that he began to follow our lead in language and communication for our recovery process. for us, part of what makes our therapist so great is that he’s always been willing to listen to us and change his approach if something isn’t working. this is how therapy should work. we really hope that one day you’ll be able to have access to a therapist who understands you and your system and is willing to take your concerns seriously while centering your system and experience in your appointments and discussions.

best of luck to you with everything.

🐢 kip