#it's just that i have to travel tomorrow and i have a doctors appointment Friday i have to go to in person

[thehardkandy]

Travelling back home tomorrow hoping for a smooth groove

[thefrontofmymind]

Proof Positive 3

a/n: wtf??? i'm updating something 2 days in a row?? this is so unlike me

series masterlist

The morning after, you got out of bed around the time you always did and you got ready for work. With a gentle whisper to a half-awake Ross that you were leaving, you were out the door. 

You tried not to think about it, you hid it in a cupboard in your mind but that didn’t mean it was banging on the locked door. It must’ve been expectant mothers day on the tube because you counted no less than five pregnant women sitting in your carriage. Well, six, actually.

You kept laser focus on your work all day, even through the nausea and exhaustion. It wasn’t until you looked at your schedule did you realise that the tour that you’d been painstakingly organising every little detail of would begin in a mere two weeks. Ross would be leaving in two weeks. Twelve days to be exact. It gave you a jolt; you needed to act, and quickly. You booked an appointment with your GP for the day after tomorrow. You googled what to do, what to say to her, what she’ll say to you. You wanted as much control as you could get.

She would probably ask for either a blood test or a urine sample and she would test you herself. And then she would explain all the options you had. You knew it was early days, it was still an embryo, it didn’t even have a heart, it’d barely grown a brain. It had no thoughts and no pain receptors, it made you feel a little better. It wasn’t a baby yet.

You got a text from Ross at around 4 PM, ‘had to go back to mine to get some clothes, youre free to come over?’. You typed out a quick reply, ‘sounds good. see you soon xx’.

You placed your phone onto your desk and finished writing an email to some venue manager who had questions about the band’s rider. Another ping erupted from your phone, you took a quick glance at the new message from Ross; ‘how are you feeling?’, you didn’t know how you felt, so you didn’t answer.

︵‿︵‿︵‿︵︵‿︵‿︵‿︵︵‿︵‿︵‿︵

As you entered Ross’ flat, using the key he gave you a year ago when he moved in, you heard…talking. More than one person. In the living room was Ross, along with Adam and Carly. Like a switch that flipped, you were bright and happy–you couldn’t let them know what was happening.

A chorus of surprised greetings, questions on why you’ve shown up at Ross’ flat.

“She just can’t resist my cooking…” Ross joked. You didn’t fail to notice the inflection he had, you just prayed that Carly and Adam missed it.

There was some chatter between the boys–something technical with a song they were in the process of recording–and between you and Carly. You were telling her all about the tour, you could pretty much whip up any detail for the next ten months from the top of your head. And she had many questions about where her fiance was going, and when. You got to thinking…There was very well the possibility that things regarding the tour would have to change. In about eight months or so yours and Ross’ lives could change drastically. 

Ross slowly made his way to the kitchen, prepping ingredients for a stir fry. The couple got the hint, making a polite exit and telling you both to enjoy yourselves–whatever that meant.

You silently watched Ross cooking, sipping on the glass of squash you made yourself. He kept stealing glances at you, you pretended to be oblivious.

It felt like your bubble burst. The bliss you felt, this honeymoon stage, it was all over. Everything had been so natural before–the kisses, the casual touches, the pillowtalk–but now it was all just so forced. 

You picked at the food on your plate, you didn’t want to tell him the smell of it made you nauseous. You told him about your day at work, how the final plans for the tour were going.

“So we’re just not talking about it?” He asked after yet another story from you about a rude venue manager or a misunderstanding with your travel agent over the band and crew’s visas.

“I made a doctor’s appointment for Friday…she’ll tell me if it’s…real,” you answered.

“You wanna go alone?”

“You wanna come with me?” It was a genuine question.

“I told you I’m here for you,” he said. “However you want me, I’ll be there.”

You were looking right into his eyes, and he was looking in yours. At the unwavering eye contact you were comforted, you knew there was a shred of falsehood in his words.

“It’s at three in the afternoon…” You told him. “You could meet me there?”

“I’ll pick you up from the office.”

︵‿︵‿︵‿︵︵‿︵‿︵‿︵︵‿︵‿︵‿︵

The waiting room smelled like bleach. Like the linoleum floors had been scrubbed recently. The loudest sound was emitting from the small TV anchored to the wall in front of you and Ross–some daytime soap opera with characters you couldn’t understand the relations of, no matter how hard you tried.

Sitting across from you was a young guy, probably around 25 or so, cradling a little girl who was drifting in and out of sleep. She was tiny, a toddler still with the chunky limbs of a baby, and a mess atop her head of golden ringlets that probably hadn’t been brushed that day.

As the doctor called your name, you immediately jumped up. You didn’t see the large form next to you rise with you.

“Do you want me…” Ross trailed off from his seat, gesturing towards the corridor you were about to walk down.

“Please.”

Once you and Ross sat down in her office and got comfortable, she began to speak in a light and friendly tone. “So what brings you in?”

“Well…” you started. “I…my period was late so I took one of those early detection tests and it was positive.”

“A pregnancy test?”

You nodded.

“Okay.” She began to type out some notes on her computer. “Is your cycle regular?”

“To a tee, I’ve never been even a day late before.”

“So how many days?”

“Four.”

“And how long has it been since your last period?”

You thought for a second. “About a month?”

“Right.” She finished typing and turned back towards you. “I’ll get you to do a test here if that’s alright. I’m guessing this is the…father?”

“Yes, right, this is Ross,” you said. They exchanged a polite greeting.

The doctor handed you a small plastic jar. “Bathroom is just down to the left, you can’t miss it.”

About 10 minutes later the results were ready. Instinctively you grabbed Ross’ hand as your doctor looked at the much more clinical looking test. 

“Two lines…which means it’s positive,” she said. Your brain began to tick into overtime, it was like time slowed almost to a stop.

In that moment, knowing it was real, you felt a sense of comfort. You didn’t know how, but somehow you got the sense that you could do it, and it would all be alright, you could make it work. A warmth spread through your abdomen–though that was just your mind. You became aware of the hand you were holding in a vice-like grip. Ross was with you, you wouldn’t be alone, you could very well have a family with the man next to you. You could be there for each other through all this, you were a team.

“Oh my god…” was all you could say, a soft smile spreading across your face. You looked at Ross, mirroring your smile.

“I should talk to you about options,” your doctor said after a minute of letting you bask in the happiness.

“I want to keep it,” you said instantly.

You smiled at Ross again, he raised his eyebrows–silently asking “really?”–you nodded.

“Well then,” she laughed. “I’ll give you the name of a good OB, he’s the one who delivered my two girls…” She was messily writing on a notepad. “And this is a good brand of prenatal vitamins.” She opened a drawer of her desk and retrieved a pamphlet. “And here’s just some guidelines for the early stages, what not to eat, symptoms you might have, all that.”

“Thanks,” you said after she handed you the bundle of information.

“I’d suggest booking within the next week, you might just be far enough along for a proper ultrasound.”

You didn’t say another word until you were out of the building and walking to the closest tube station, to the line that would take you right to Ross’. “A baby…”

“I know,” he chuckled.

“Are you okay with this all? Sorry…I didn’t know what my answer would be in there…”

“Listen to me.” He stopped walking, taking your hand in both of his and fiddling with your fingers. “There is no one else I would rather do this with.”

“Out of everyone in the entire world?” You laughed.

“No one else.”

“Not even Waugh?”

“Don’t tell him that I pick you…” He said in a hushed tone, to which you couldn’t help burst out laughing.

You couldn’t describe the joy you were feeling. The bubble of bliss was back for you both.

That night you slept easy, in the arms of the father of your baby, the three of you together–at least for now.

[disdaidal]

I can't remember the last time I've cried this hard, but I guess it was time.

So my new school is pretty much now pressuring me to find a place to train at, which is not stressful at all, because the workplace I went for an interview last week hasn't returned my calls or my email, despite the principal initially seemed genuinely interested in my application.

Thing is, I wouldn't be this stressed out at all but my new teacher made it pretty clear today that next week is gotta be the deadline for that contract - otherwise my studies really aren't going anywhere.

I also missed my doctor's appointment yesterday because I missed the train. I had to wait for that appointment for 3 fucking months, and because it's related to my financial situation (I'm really trying not to get more student debt, especially with the way how I've been and how I barely managed to keep my shit together during pandemic). Luckily I was able to talk on the phone with her and the social worker, but my new appointment was rescheduled at the end of the month. I also talked to my nurse on the phone a little after that; a nurse who I haven't seen in the last six months because all our appointments have been cancelled at the last minute. So I got a new one in September.

My sleeping schedule has been pretty much fucked up all July-August, and for the last two days that I've been going to the city and attending these classes, I've slept like 6 hours in total these two days. Both days I've come home feeling extremely drained (besides those 6 hrs in total, I napped all evening yesterday). And last night I slept something like 2 hours before school and when I finally got back by train a couple of hours ago, I tried to sleep on the train but I felt so nauseated that I thought I was gonna hurl. Needless to say, my car ride back home was all but fun.

When I finally got home and laid down in my bed for a while, I started crying. Like I know it's probably because I've literally slept like 2hrs last night and it wasn't even a deep sleep, so, think I've just had it. My body and brain couldn't take it anymore.

But when I was on the train, I was going to call the school's office (the one I went to that interview for), but naturally their calling hours had already ended at 2pm. I also thought about sending another email but like I said, I felt extremely tired and anxious; making more phone calls and sending more emails when I'm feeling this way really isn't the way I want to go again. Especially since I already tried both on Monday when they were supposed to inform me last Friday, and I haven't got any response since. Which is not very nice to be honest (my new teacher did comment it's kind of unprofessional of them, and I gotta agree a little bit there).

But seriously, the only thing that's even made my last two school days tolerable, were the other students in my class. I kind of took up smoking again (bad habit I know) because of all this stress and shit that's been going on with me lately, so at least it was an easy way to get to know some of our other students, and got to spend some time with them, so at least I didn't have deal with my worries all alone. Our Moroccoan student (whom I've talked a lot with; I got along with him already on our entrance examination on May) tried to encourage me today when we were smoking, and even said I could try and apply to the same place he works at - which is working with immigrants mostly. Since I did choose international studies as one of my optional subjects, that could also work, because sooner or late I'm gonna have to work/train at a place like that anyway.

But obviously my first and foremost goal right now is try to find a place near where I live because obviously traveling isn't cheap, and I might indeed have a couple of places around here in mind that I could ask for training opportunities.

In any case, if I don't get an answer by tomorrow (we'll have another long school day so I probably won't have any time to be making extra phone calls anywhere), I think I'm just gonna ditch this thing and start calling other places on Monday.

If this is how it's gonna be and I'm on a strict deadline here, I don't suppose there's any other choice. I'm not willing to give up just yet - though I admittedly thought of that for a moment, too. Since I've become somewhat depressed lately again, clearly, and that must have something to do with my bpd. Which is fucking *nice* because right now I'm supposed to be active and efficient so I can actually get shit done and get my studies properly started - and yet right now, I'm feeling all but that.

So I guess I'll go to another class tomorrow - we have a special day anyway as we're visiting a local museum at the end of the day, so. Maybe I can try to forgive myself for being the way I am and give this whole thing a rest until weekend. And if the teacher asks about it tomorrow as she might, I'm just gonna say I'm going try again on Monday.

Cause I really don't see any other choice right now. But again, I'm really not lying about this. I'm not feeling my best right now, and this kind of pressure and stress is not doing me any favors.

[rowyn-writes]

Mending A Broken Heart (Part Two)

Warnings: Smut, breeding kink, praise kink, unprotected sex, oral sex, (f/m receiving) fluff, angst, self loathing, reader has PCOS

Pairings: Jared x Reader

Word count: 3.3k

THREE YEARS LATER

There was a loud sound that woke you from a dead sleep. You groaned as you looked over at your fiancé, Jared.

"It's your turn." He mumbled.

"It's always my turn." Your growled as you threw the blankets off you. You sleepily traveled through the house to where the source of the noise was coming from.

Your threw open the door to see your older sister, Danneel, her husband Jensen, and their three year old daughter, Justice. "What?"

"Don't 'what' me Y/N, it's Friday." Danneel sassed.

"And?"

"And, you know Friday's are wedding planning days!"

"Yeah, my Friday's used to be fun."

"They're still fun, Y/N. C'mon, live a little." Jensen said mischievously. "Humor her." He mumbled under his breath. "Danneel looks forward to seeing you all week. When Jared told us he was going to propose, she was so excited to plan your wedding. She started a scrapbook. A scrapbook, Y/N. Just let her talk overlays and flowers and food with you. Let her pamper you."

You let out a sigh as you watched Danneel set up the kitchen table with magazines and venue pictures. "She does look happy."

"She is happy. Just let her do this for you." Jensen smiled as Danneel excitedly flipped through the scrapbook.

"She better be glad I love her." You grumbled.

Jensen cracked a smile. "Don't worry. If you have to deal with this, so does Jared. He's the one who proposed, so I'm going to drag his ass down here."

"You're a saint." You whispered. "This is why you're my favorite brother in law."

"I'm your only brother in law." Jensen called as he walked up the stairs to the bedroom you shared with Jared.

You slid next to your sister, whose eyes swam with excitement. "Okay, so, I was thinking, for food we could do vegetarian options as well as meat. That way, there's something for everyone."

"Sounds good to me." You nod.

A sleepy Jared turned the corner, rubbing his eyes tiredly. It had been a long week of constantly filming and both of the men needed to rest up. "Morning darlin'." He mumbled as he kissed your cheek.

For the next three hours, you, Jared and Danneel talked about the wedding. You were excited, of course, but this was getting to be a lot of stress. At this point, you just wanted to elope and be done with it. But you knew that would break Danneel's heart, especially since she spent so much time on the wedding.

"Okay," Danneel said, closing the book. "I have the pastor booked, as well as the venue. I'm going to call around and find some good places that can cater to us. And I have an appointment for you and Jared to go cake tasting at Austin Kind Cakes tomorrow at 9. Don't be late. We've also got to go dress shopping on Monday. So, round up your bridesmaids and tell them. I would stay longer but I have a doctors appointment at two. I'll see you Monday." Your sister hugged you and Jared goodbye before leaving with Jensen and Justice.

You sighed as you fell back on the couch, Jared not far behind. He spread himself across the couch, his head in your lap. You smiled softly as you ran your fingers through his long hair.

"Are you tired, baby?" You asked.

"Very."

"You wanna put on a MCU movie and cuddle?" You suggested.

"Please." Jared smiled.

"Okay, get up so I can put the DVD in." You pushed a reluctant Jared off your lap, which resulted in him landing on the floor. "I told you to get up!"

Jared grumbled as he pulled himself off the floor. "Oh, you're fine you big baby." You roll your eyes. You skimmed your finger across the DVD's until it landed on Captain America; The First Avenger. It was your favorite movie because. . . Well, Sebastian Stan and Chris Evans. Duh. You popped the disk in, and while it was showing the ads before the movie, you went to start some popcorn.

You began to grab things down from the cupboards, stealing candy from Jared's secret stash. Despite his well built physique, he had a huge sweet tooth. You came back into the living room with beer, popcorn, and all the movie essentials.

"How did you find my candy?" Jared frowned.

"You're not that great at hiding things, babe."

"Not true. I hid my feelings for you for two years." He pointed out.

"Okay, you got me." You rolled your eyes, sitting down beside him. Jared stretched his arm out, wrapping it around you, pulling you closer. You rested your head on his chest, smiling contently. Things had been tense as of late. And most of that was to be blamed on filming.

You knew that Jared had been struggling with his metal health for a while, and you made a point to let him know how much he meant to you. In all honesty, things hadn't been all that easy for you either. Danneel had just announced that she was pregnant again. It was very early on in the pregnancy, but it was still hard on you. You had told your family about your condition, and they were all very supportive. You were happy for Danneel and Jensen, but you were still upset about not being able to start a family of your own.

"I love you." You whispered to Jared.

"I love you too, darlin'. What's wrong?" He questioned, averting his eyes from the T.V screen.

"Nothing. I just love you." Jared grinned as he kissed your lips

"Well, I love you more."

"Not possible." You shook your head. "No one can love anyone as much as I love you."

"Hmm, I can think of one exception." He argued, trailing kisses down your neck. You closed your eyes, your breath quickening as his lips traveled to your collarbone. "Because I love you more than you could ever imagine."

"Then show me." You challenged.

"Haven't I already? I mean, I did propose to you."

"You know what I mean, tease." You grumbled. Jared chuckled, his brown hair falling into his eyes. He pulled your hoodie over your head, tossing it aside. He gave you a devilish look when he realized you we're wearing a bra.

Jared took your boob in his mouth while massaging the other with his hand. You sucked in a sharp breath when he gently twisted your nipple in between his thumb and forefinger. You could feel your heart beating out of your chest and slick pooling in your panties. No matter how many times you had sex with Jared, it always gave you butterflies.

He moved his mouth down your body, leaving love bites along your stomach. Jared smirked as his fingers dug into your sides, causing you to shriek.

"Jared!" You chastised. "I swear if you tickle me again I'm pushing you off me and I'll use my vibrator."

"Okay, I'm sorry darlin'." He chuckled as he kissed your lips. Pleasant shivers went down your spine when Jared trailed his fingers down your body. He then tugged your joggers and panties down your legs and threw them aside, just like he did with your hoodie. He kissed the insides of your thighs, so, so close to where you wanted him to be but not close enough.

"Jare. . ." You mumbled, fingers digging into the pillow beside you.

"What's that, baby girl?" He grinned. "Use your words. What do you want?"

"I want you to eat me out!" You said, exasperated. Jared said nothing as he pulled you forward, closer to his face. He attached his lips to your little bundle of nerves, causing you to moan. He began to kitten lick your clit, making you grasp onto his hair. It reminded you of the first time you slept with him.

Jared slowly slipped a digit into your warmth, pumping it in and out of you. It definitely didn't satisfy you the way you knew his cock would, but it brought you pleasure nonetheless.  "Mmm, Jared. . . F-fuck!" He reached up with his other hand and began playing with your nipples, making you contract around his finger.

"Eager, are we?"

"I hate you." You groaned.

"No you don't. But if you do, I can go ahead and stop now?"

"Jared, I swear to god!" You growled. The man between your legs said nothing as he added another digit, making you whimper in anticipation.

"It's okay, darlin', you'll have me soon enough." Jared assured you. You nodded, your breathing becoming erratic.

"Oh, god, I'm so close!" You whined.  You regretted the words as soon as they left your mouth, as Jared pulled his fingers out, leaving you feeling empty. "You're the worst tease ever."

"I know," He cooed as he pulled his shirt over his head and tossed it aside. You climbed off the couch and sat on your knees in front of Jared, pulling down his jeans. "Now, babygirl, what do you think you're doing?" He questioned.

"What does it look like I'm doing?" You replied, looking up at Jared with a cheeky grin. You took his cock in your hands, giving it a few gentle strokes, running your finger across the tip. You ran you tongue along the underside of his dick, just how you knew Jared liked it.

"Oh, fuck, sweetheart." He murmured. "Just like that."

With that encouragement, you took him in your mouth, hollowing out your cheeks so he could fit. You lazily sucked his length, effectively making Jared moan. It was like music to your ears whenever he moaned like that. You felt Jared's hand on the back of your head pushing you closer to him, making you gag around his cock.

He held your head with both of his hands as he rocked his hips back and forth, each time he hit the back of your throat. You felt drool drip down your chin and onto your breasts. You could taste the precum on Jared's cock. You knew he was close. His thrusts into your mouth became more erratic and messier as he released his load into your mouth. "Take it all. Do not spit it out. Be a good girl for me and swallow." He demanded as he pulled his dick out. You nodded, letting the warm substance slide down your throat with difficulty. "You're such a good girl for me. Swallowing all my cum. Do you know what that does to me?"

You didn't need an answer, as you could clearly see what it does to Jared, since he was already becoming hard again. "This load is going in that tight little pussy of yours." He picked you up by the arm with a firm yet gentle hand and bent you over the arm of the couch. "Are you ready?" He asked, still making sure you were comfortable. No matter how many times you two had sex, he always wanted to make sure you still wanted to go through with it.

You had discussed the relationship you had before Jared, and about all the things your ex put you through. One of the worst things Will did to you was use you for sex. He rarely asked for consent, which gave you more trust issues than you could handle. You had spoke to Jared about that when you first got together, and he promised that he would always, always, ask if you were okay before doing anything. That just made you fall in love with him more.

"Please, Jare. . ." You whined. "Fuck me."

"You don't have to tell me twice, sweetheart." He slowly bottomed out, letting out a moan. He began to fuck you, slow at first, but it soon transitioned into rough thrusts. Your gripped onto the pillow tightly, using it to muffle your moans. Jared grabbed you by the hair, pulling your head up. "Don't muffle it babygirl, I wanna hear you scream."

"Oh God, Jared!" You whined as his hips slammed into yours.

"Fuck baby, ugh, you're so fucking tight. I'm gonna cum." He moaned. "I'm gonna cum in that sweet pussy, fill you up to the brim. God, I can't wait to see your stomach swell as you carry our child. You'll look so fucking good."

You felt a familiar knot tighten in your belly, your walls clenching around Jared's cock. "Fuck, fuck fuck fuck fuck." You screamed as you came, Jared following shortly behind you. He stayed buried in you for a few more moments before pulling out.

Jared disappeared for a few seconds before coming back with a warm washcloth so he could clean you up. He gently wiped down your body before picking you up bridal style and carrying you into the bedroom. He climbed in bed beside you and gathered you in his arms, kissing your temple.

"Are you okay, darlin'?" He asked, brushing hair out of your face. You smiled as you nodded. "You did so good for me. I love you so much."

You nuzzled your face into his chest, enjoying the warmth from his body. "I love you more."

"Oh no," He chuckled. "We are not starting this again. Because I'll win."

"Whatever you say, Jare." You rolled your eyes. He grinned at you, his brown hair falling into his eyes.

"Okay, well, I'm going to make us some lunch. I'll be right back." He gave you a quick peck on the lips before pulling on a pair of sweatpants and making his way to the kitchen. You grabbed one of Jared's flannel, wrapping it around you and breathing in the scent.

Your phone started buzzing on the end table beside the bed. In the middle of the commotion this morning, you never took your phone off the charger. A picture of you and your sister popped up on the screen, the name "Danni," with a little heart beside it flashed across the photo. "Hello?"

"Y/N!" Danneel squealed happily from the other side of the phone. "Okay, so, Jensen and I just got back from my OB appointment and you'll never guess what!"

"What? Did you find out the sex?"

"Well, yes, but there's something else too! I'm having twins!" You felt your heart sink to your stomach.

"Oh, Danni, that's amazing! I'm so happy for you!"

"Thank you, Y/N/N! Oh, I'm so excited! We're having a boy and a girl. I'm going shopping later to pick out stuff for the nursey, do you want to come with me?" Danneel asked, happiness seeping from her voice.

You took a steady breath, blinking back tears. "Ya know, I would love to, Danni, but I'm not feeling too good today. Maybe some other time?"

"Yeah, of course." Danneel sounded disappointed, but tried to hide it. "I hope you feel better. I'll let you go then. Bye, I love you."

"Love you too."

As soon as the call ended, you covered you mouth to suppress a sob. You were happy that your sister was happy. She was finally getting the family she always wanted, she's in a great marriage with a sweet man that treats her right, and she is having twins. It's everything that you've wanted. You were trying so hard to get pregnant, but time after time, nothing. You were taking fertility treatments left and right and trying IVF. But anything you tried failed. You hated how jealous you were of your older sister.

Jared came back up twenty minutes later with two plates of food to find you curled up on the bed crying into your pillow. He hastily set the food down on the dresser and made his way over to you, wrapping his arms around you and pulling your back into his chest. "Shh, shh," He cooed, tucking your hair behind your ear. "It's okay, baby. Do you want to tell me what's wrong? Hm?"

"D-Danneel is p-pregnant." You sniffed, tears streaming down you face. "And she's having t-twins." Jared let out a sigh as he listened to you cry. "What am I doing wrong, Jare? W-we've tried everything and I still can't have a baby!"

"We're not doing anything wrong, darlin'. These things just happen and it's nobody's fault. There are still other options, honey. We could hire a surrogate or we could adopt?"

"It's not the same. I want to feel my baby kick inside of me, I wanna feel the morning sickness and the back pain and every damn thing that comes with being pregnant."

"I know, sweetie." He mumbled.

"Jare. . ."

"Yeah?"

"I think. . . Before we start thinking about surrogacy or adoption that I need to go to therapy. I haven't been in a long time and I just need to talk to someone and I need them to tell me I'm not crazy. I just need someone to talk to that doesn't know me and that's not biased."

"Okay, of course." Jared nodded. "I'm proud of you, baby. It took me a really long time that I admitted that I needed help. It takes a strong person to say when they need help."

---

FIVE WEEKS LATER

"Everyone at the office back home is catching this stupid bug." You growled, wiping your mouth with the back of your hand. Danneel, who had been with you when you fell ill, took a cold washcloth and dabbed it across your forehead. You two were currently in Canada visiting Jared and Jensen while they were working on set.

"What have you ate today?" She asked. "I don't need you becoming dehydrated."

"A bagel with cream cheese and Doritos."

"Cream cheese and Doritos?" Danneel said, scrunching her face up at the combination.

"Hey, don't knock it till you try it."

"I'm not knocking it, Y/N." Danneel dismissed. "It's what I've been craving for months. I was craving all sorts of weird stuff before I found out I was pregnant."

"Yeah, well, there's no way I'm pregnant." You said glumly.

"Pickles and mustard. Is that something else you've eaten?"

"Yes. . . Why?" You questioned.

"Another one of my pregnancy cravings. Are you late?" She asked.

"I'm always late, Danni. I have PCOS, dummy." You scoffed.

"I think you should take a test, just to be sure." You decided to humor Danneel and went to the drug store and bought three different pregnancy tests.

Positive. Positive. Positive.

You stared wide-eyed at the tests, not believing what you were seeing. "Oh. My. God." Danneel squealed as she crushed you in a hug. "You're pregnant! Oh, Jared's going to be so happy! You have to go tell him! Like, right now!"

"But they're filming." You protested.

"They're taking a break right now. Jensen just texted me. Go! Now!" Danneel pushed. You took a quick picture of the pregnancy tests before you, Danneel, and J.J went to visit the boys while they were on set.

You couldn't hold your excitement, as your knee was bouncing up and down. The three of you showed your badges at the front gate before making it onto set.

"Y/N." Jared smiled, looking up from his script. "What are you doing here?"

"I wanted to wait until later to tell you this but it just couldn't wait."

"What is it?" He questioned, his eyebrows furrowing.

"I haven't been feeling well lately and I've been craving these really weird foods and I'm more tired than usual and-" You rambled until Jared held up his hand.

"Wait, Y/N, are you saying. . .?"

"I'm pregnant." You whispered. "I took three different tests today and they were all positive. I wanted to tell you when you got home, but I didn't know what-"

"You're pregnant!" Jared shouted, catching the attention of the crew and cast members. You flushed red as Jared picked you up and spun you around. "I'm so excited." He smiled, cupping your face in his hands and giving you a gentle kiss.

You could hear Jensen laughing with happiness, and some of the crew clapping. "I'm getting a niece or nephew." He said excitedly. "I can't wait to corrupt them."

"Jensen!"

.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

Taglist:

@desimarie12 @stefanmikaleson1864 @brandyleewhatever​ 

[reputationdamiano]

I just saw that Ethan has hand tendinitis, could you write an imagine were the reader is a physiotherapy student and she is the one that realises Ethan is in pain but is hiding it? I can totally see him pretending everything is fine and not wanting to go see a doctor. Thankkks

hi, here’s your requested imagine! it turned out longer (and more cheesy) than i planned but enjoy!

pairing: ethan torchio x reader

word count: 886

warnings: i guess none, maybe that food and alcohol are mentioned in this fic

a/n: i just want to say that it was not proofread and may contain some grammatical errors as i’m not a native speaker of english

sometimes you wished your life was different. as a physiotherapy student you had to study a lot and worry about passing your exams. you envied the life your friends had. they were in a rock band called måneskin. their everyday activities: writing songs, giving interviews, performing seemed much more interesting to you. it must have given them so much satisfaction.

it was summer, your semester at uni came to an end so you finally had time to relax. you spent most of it either travelling around the country or hanging out with måneskin when they weren’t on tour.

that friday you were at a party in victoria’s house. there were not many people, only the band’s closest friends. after chatting with a group of cheerful people, you grabbed a drink and sat at a couch next to ethan. he wasn’t a party animal or anything like that, but he acted much more reserved than usual.

„everything okay?” you asked. „you seem quite distant”

„yes, i just need some time to think about our upcoming show” he replied.

„ethan, you are an amazing musician, you don’t have to worry about that” you reassured him.

„you are always so kind to me, y/n” he smiled. „but there are some things i can do to make my performance better”

ethan reached for some chips from the near table. you noticed that his right wrist is a bit swollen. a random person would not acknowledge this, but as a future physiotherapist you were really sensitive to any anomalies of human body.

„can i see your wrist?” you enquired, out of nowhere.

„there’s no need to” he said, kind of frightened.

„so you admit it’s not completely healthy?” you caught him out.

„nothing serious, it doesn’t even hurt”

„firstly, i’ve know you for years, ethan, i can see when you’re lying. and don’t forget what i happen to study”

„okay” he sighed.

„but please don’t make me go to the doctor. i have to play at our show on thursday”

„i won’t promise you anything. health comes first. hence, if your injury is serious, you won’t be able to perform” you explained.

he showed you his wrist reluctantly. you saw it was swollen and sore.

„how strong is the pain?”

ethan knew there was no point in hiding the truth so he said:

„it hurts pretty much all the time, so i guess it’s severe”

„this injury can be a serious one” you implied.

„you should’ve told me earlier” you said and a bitter thought crossed your mind:

„you don’t trust me, do you ethan?” you said it out loud.

„of course i do, y/n! you got it wrong… i keep going for the band. we are so successful now. we must embrace our good times because they might end someday”

his words were a shock to you. you never really thought what famous people could be going through. popularity was uncertain and trends changed a lot.

„i get your point, but true fans will stand by your side no matter what” you reminded him.

„you’re right” ethan agreed with you.

„tomorrow we are going to the doctor and no buts” you said and he just nodded.

he asked if you could take him home so you drove there on your moped with ethan holding an arm around your waist.

he promised that he would rest until you meet again the next day.

at 1 pm on saturday you went to the doctor with ethan. he was so nervous while sitting in the waiting room. as it turned out, the drummer had tendinitis. it was caused by excessive practice and the medic adviced ethan to put some ointment on his wrist twice a day, rest for at least a week and attend an another appointment after this time.

the patient was dissatisfied but he didn’t withstand.

the other members of måneskin understood how serious the situation was and they called off the concert.

you spent a lot of time at ethan’s place taking care of him. everyday you applied ointments on his wrist and massaged it gently. this situation got you up close and personal with ethan.

after a week and a half he fully recovered.

„i want to thank you for everything: noticing something was wrong with my wrist, taking care of me when i was injured. you will make a great physiotherapist. you were born for this” ethan told you the day he got the word about the condition of his tentons. „you are an amazing person, y/n. i’m grateful to have you in my life. you have always meant a lot to me. in fact, i’m hopelessly in love with you. i’ve never confessed my feelings before but i thought you deserve to know” he looked into your eyes, waiting for your answer.

„i love you too, i’ve always loved you, ethan” you said and he leaned for a kiss.

that day changed a lot of things in your life: not only your relationship status, but also your way of thinking. you were motivated to go back to uni in autumn. everything that has happened over the summer reminded you why you originally chose to study physiotherapy: you wanted to ease others’ suffering and take care of them. your boyfriend was immensely proud of you.

[ecl1pse]

little over a week before my trip to mu uncle’s my best friend told me she had been taking care of little girl for a few hours when her mom told her the little was feeling unwell. they went to the hospital & tested positive for covid. i told her to get pcr test asap but she said she went home & wanted to wait & see if she got any symptoms beforehand. i said it was fine but just stay put in her room & not make any food for her family bc that was how i got my family sick back in jan. well, the day that i was traveling out of the city, right as i was finishing getting ready she called me to say she was feeling an itchy throat & had a headache.she said she was setting up the appointment for her test for the next day & i told her to again stay put until her results came in 48 hrs after. this would be on friday but she said she was planning on going back to help out w that little girl on monday bc she & her mom were feeling better. i got so pissed i told her i had to hang up & finish packing. i was already done packing but i was so mad i had write my part on message bc i knew if i continued the call o was going to scream at her & cause a fight. so i did that & she replied that the test wouldn’t matter bc she was going back anyways & the mom was fine bc she didn’t care abt covid, hadn’t even gotten vaccinated. i didnt reply bc i was abt to board & i was growing livid + i had shit i had to be busy with instead of this. i think having those messages sitting in my inbox every time i went to reply to someone else bc i didn’t really enjoy my trip as much as i could have & it took me over two weeks to reply. but i knew i had to do it bc her birthday is tomorrow & i would feel horrible if i didn’t try to reach back again & idk… mend things before that. i just. i don’t know what else to say besides i’m surprised she’s letting herself be influenced by someone so irresponsible of her own children, so i messaged her that.

idk. i feel like i might be exaggerating things… but i mean, isn’t this kind of behavior why we can’t fucking get out of a pandemic??? i know it might be hypocritical of me considering i literally line up for two hours to cross the border like 3 times a week & spend at least 4 hrs in a store full of people. but at least i’m trying take precautions. i never take my mask off unless i’m drinking or waiting. no matter how hot i’m getting. i’m washing my hands every time i go back. i’ve been sleeping on a very tiny couch at home almost every night since i came home just in case, esp after i started getting a scratchy throat which was nothing bc im currently sharing a bed w my sister & i don’t want her to get sick.

again i dont know what to do & i don’t wanna end our friendship over this bc we’ve been friends for so long & really do care for her & i love her dearly. i want her to be well & healthy & happy so i was pushing her to at least make sure she had covid so she could take proper care of herself. the uncle i visited is a doctor w his own private practice in a low income area in monterrey & he told us so many sad stories while i was there that i wish i could have recorded him to show her later. cuz even tho we both are social recluses & our lives didn’t change much post this whole ordeal, it doesn’t mean that we should be treating it so lightly. or maybe i’m just being annoying & wanting to be right. i just don’t know

[gloryofluv]

Order Up! (Coffee Shop AU) Chapter 10

Oh, Alex, you always find commonality in kindred spirits! The broken tend to look for each other, don't they? (picture brought you by my awesome brain fucking around with filter on a stock photo)

Previous Chapter

Alex was standing outside on her break on the phone and nearly growling as she stood by her car. Of all the frustrating, stupid fucking things. She rolled her neck. This was truly ridiculous. Routine. That’s all she wanted. Applicable routine!

The call came off hold. “Miss, I just spoke to the doctor. She said unless you schedule an appointment, we can’t refill your medication.”

“What do you mean? I’ve been taking these for years?” Alex snapped and shifted her hips. “Why? This is the first time I’ve had to come in. She knows how I feel about doctor’s offices. We’ve always done tele appointments when it’s needed.”

“Miss, I’m sorry, but you haven’t had a physical in several years, and our policies are changing. We have to be sure everything is working together well. I’m sure you’ve received your email or letter,” the receptionist told her.

“Ok, but I’m out of it this weekend. I have severe ADHD. It’s in my file. Can’t she fill it for just the weekend? I have tons of things to do, and I doubt you make evening appointments,” Alex breathed and rolled her neck. This wasn’t what she liked. She definitely didn’t like someone poking at her and saying what was wrong with her.

“We have an appointment available at three tomorrow if that’s late enough,” the receptionist declared.

“Do you have a Friday morning available?” Alex questioned while tightening her jaw.

“No, we have a two o’clock on Friday,” She responded.

“Okay, do you have a morning appointment tomorrow?” she asked while running her fingers on her driver’s door. Alex was bouncing on her feet and swishing her hips. She despised this.

“The earliest we have is ten o’clock.”

Alex breathed and rocked her head. “That works. Does she need me to fast so we can do blood work?”

“Yes, that would be best. She’ll want to do a full workup. We can schedule a pap at the time if you like.”

Alex grimaced and breathed. “Yes, fine. Whatever it takes not to have to come in for a while.”

“I understand completely, Miss. I don’t know anyone who likes clinical visits,” the receptionist giggled.

Alex smiled and rocked her head. “Okay, tomorrow at ten. Got it. Should I bring in my other medication?”

“Ah, yes, please. It will make the visit swifter.”

“Thank you so much. I apologize for my frustration,” Alex murmured.

“Of course, we shall see you tomorrow.”

Alex hung up and rolled her neck again. “I hate this. Ridiculous unneeded shit.”

“I never liked doctor visits myself.”

Alex pivoted and blushed. Diavolo was standing there smoking some sort of vaporizer. “Hello, Diavolo. How are you today?”

Daddy Diavolo was in a pinstripe suit and looking sharp. What? Dammit, Jordan and his wicked nicknames for people. Alex licked her lips and ran her thumb over her fingernails.

He puffed and smiled while the cloud left his lips. “I’m doing pretty well. Barbatos went to snag us drinks while we were in the area. Business prattle irritates me occasionally. I needed to see a friendly face.”

Alex relaxed against her car and smiled. “That’s great that you at least are getting a caffeine bump. I have a few more minutes on my break if you want to chat.”

He tilted his head and shifted on his frame. “Lucifer told me you were going to rent a room from him. I think that’s fabulous.”

The pillow talk between them must be oddly stiff. Oh, god. What the fuck was wrong with her today. Alex had to shake off the image and rubbed the side of her neck. “Yes, it makes sense. I’m going to buy Jordan’s family home for them. I’ll find someplace to rent after the sale. It’s all in the works. Thank you for the stellar recommendation for the agent.”

Diavolo took the device to his mouth as he smiled and the vapor poured from his nose. “You’re welcome, but it’s quite deserving. That’s quite intelligent and loyal. Oh, what did the ocean say to the beach?”

Alex’s smile grew. “What did it say?”

“Nothing,” Diavolo snorted and then smiled. “It just waved,” he chuckled and waved his free hand before sliding it in his pocket.

Alex giggled and shook her head. “That’s ridiculously good.”

Diavolo laughed and nodded. “I thought so too! How do you feel about traveling?”

Alex shrugged her shoulders. “I always wanted to, but I didn’t get the chance when my parents died.”

“I, unfortunately, can’t say the same,” Diavolo shook his head. “When my father died, I visited three different countries to meet the regional operators in a week. I didn’t go very many places when I was younger because he was always working or traveling for business. However, I understand his plight now. Sometimes I just want to be home.”

“I’m sorry about your father,” Alex nodded.

Diavolo smirked and stepped toward her. “I know how you feel about your medication. It’s funny how one little pill eases the worst symptoms, huh? Science. Who would have thought?” he laughed.

“Yeah,” Alex puffed and shook her head. “I’d be more of a mess without it. I think I do alright now, though my doctor keeps telling me I need to see a therapist.”

He gestured to her. “Do you suffer from insomnia as well? What about stimming?”

Alex laughed and nodded. “I often play with my apron at work. At home, I mess with my hair more. I have plenty of object blindness, so that kind of helps living with all my parents’ things.”

“Masking?” Diavolo questioned.

Alex rocked her head. “All the time. Jordan calls it my alter ego. He thinks it’s some sort of superpower that I perfected with his encouragement.”

“I have a selection of 8D music I’ll send you for focus,” Diavolo nodded. “If you have any recommendations, I’m open to seeing. I’m always trying to explore new avenues.”

“That’s the dopamine search,” Alex laughed and nodded.

Diavolo let out a stream of laughter and rocked his head. “Yes, it certainly is, isn’t it, Alex.”

Alex checked her phone and breathed. “I have to go back inside.”

Diavolo gasped and held up his finger. “Here, I’ve been meaning to give this to you.” He dug in his breast pocket and handed her a small pin of a red devil smirking. “I’ve noticed you wear them on your hat, and I quite like that. My contribution,” Diavolo nodded.

She beamed and pressed her fist to her chest as she held it. “Thank you, Diavolo.”

“I will be texting you later when we’ll schedule our little date for your dress if that’s alright. If you want, I can email you instead of for formality,” He said while tilting his head.

“Text is fine. I just hate talking on the phone,” Alex giggled.

“Me too,” Diavolo groaned and grinned.

Alex laughed and shrugged. “I suppose we all have our mountains to climb.”

“Indeed. Enjoy the rest of your day, Alex. You added a bit of pep in my step.”

“Same, thank you,” she beamed and bowed her head before walking toward the cafe.

Well, you learn something every day. Diavolo, CEO and superpower in the world had ADHD? Well, that explains the goofy persona. That actually made Alex feel ten times better. She passed Barbatos and waved. He nodded at her with a small smile, and she skipped behind the counter.

Jordan arched his eyebrow as she snatched up her apron. “What did Daddy want today?”

Alex glanced out at him, taking another puff before meeting Barbatos in the parking lot with a bouncy stride. “To chat,” she settled with as she washed her hand at the sink.

“Interesting,” Jordan hummed.

Alex pocketed the pin and nodded. “Completely.”

“And did Daddy give you something special?” Jordan teased with an arched eyebrow.

“Can you stop with this? It’s really screwing me up, J,” Alex puffed with red cheeks. “I swear it. I’m going to accidentally call him that, and then I’ll be fired for sure.”

“Or taken to dinner,” Jordan laughed and shook his head. “Okay, okay, I’ll stop, for now. When are you moving in with the crazy terrors of the seven plagues?”

“This weekend,” Alex expressed as she went to the pastry case and began organizing what was in there with tongs. “Hey, Jordan, I have a weird question.”

“Shoot, babe,” he said while changing out the coffee and brewing a fresh batch.

“Do you think it’s weird for me not to date?”

“Yes, hun, I do, but don’t listen to Asmo. He’s surface energy until you get to know him. Any progress with Mr. Black Coffee?” Jordan asked.

Alex exhaled and shook her head. “I recently found out he’s unavailable.”

“Oh, that is a pity,” Jordan scrunched his nose. “I was really rooting for that. He seemed so into you.”

She shrugged her shoulders and smiled over at him. “I wasn’t that invested in it.”

“How about Sugar-free Vanilla?” Jordan asked with an arched eyebrow.

“I shouldn’t engage in any sort of drinks that I’m going to be in proximity to anyway,” Alex voiced as she set out more scones in the case.

“I suppose,” Jordan laughed as he leaned on the counter. “Oh, looky here. Here comes trouble . Sin never looked so tasty. If that boy were ever into experimenting, I’d be there in a hot second for that meal.”

Alex glanced at the door to see Beelzebub climb out of his car and pull on his shirt while Belphegor and Mammon soon joined. They all threw on shirts, and Alex had to scowl at that. What the hell did they do that they were shirtless?

The trio walked into the cafe, sweat still beading on their faces. Alex moved to her register and beamed. “Hey, boys. What have you been up to?”

Beel grinned as he wiped his forehead with his arm. “Alex, we have something exciting to tell you.”

“Yeah, but let me!” Mammon puffed and rolled his neck. “Ya, see, it was my idea, so I get to tell ya how great I am!”

“Okay, I’m listening,” Alex nodded.

“We broke into your house and cleaned out your backyard,” Belphegor snorted.

Mammon growled and shoved him. “I wanted to tell her. Why ya gotta be such a dick?”

“Oops,” Belphie smirked.

“But we found something,” Beel added.

“Yeah, we did,” Mammon snapped. “I did. I found it.”

“And then you tried to pocket it for money,” Belphie rolled his eyes.

“I did not!” Mammon huffed.

“Okay, guys, calm down. What did you find as you did your weird B&E? I’m not going to even go into how many people would be asking for you to break in and do the same.” Alex laughed as she shifted on her feet.

Beel dug in his jeans and produced a necklace with wings in the shape of a heart and a topaz. It was delicate, small, and a little dirty. “Oh!” Alex gasped. “That was my grandma’s from when she was little. Where was it?”

“In a tin box in the shed. It looks like someone put it in there to do yard work,” Belphie shrugged.

Beel offered it to Alex, and she beamed. “Thanks, you guys. My mom used to garden and must have set it in there when she had to turn the soil.”

“So, uh, that’s like really important,” Mammon hummed as he fixed his glasses. “Which means we did ya good.”

“Yes,” Alex beamed and placed the necklace in her pants pocket.

“So, we’re gonna wait for you,” Mammon smirked as he crossed his arms over his chest in a lean.

She shrugged and leaned on the POS screen. “How about all of you get a refreshing drink, and I’ll be done in just over an hour.”

They all were nodding, and she imputed their orders. She enjoyed their little bickering back and forth before they sat down with food and drinks. Jordan approached and leaned on her shoulder. “Doesn’t hurt to have weird friends, does it?” He whispered.

“No, I’m starting to see that,” she beamed as she glanced at him.

“Babe, I’ll never leave you, but I just want you to be loved, okay? You deserve it. I did plenty of checking when I hung out with Leviathan. They’re good guys.”

“I see that,” she voiced. “Thank you for being my misfit brother, Jordan.”

“Of course, Alex. You’re my little sister. Always,” He chuckled and kissed her hat before walking back over to the espresso machines.

@rsmrymnt-tea@otome-scribbles

[berrynarrybanana]

take it out on me - honeybee extra

A/N: I don’t know if anyone has seen the video of those girls throwing water at Harry’s car but first of all fuck them and second that’s so not chill. I got a little upset but then I started thinking about going home with H and having him take it out on you. And then I started writing this piece which was supposed to be for BFHarry’s fic challenge and then it turned into husband and soon to be dad H with Beatrice and Harry! I am forewarning you that this is filthy and I hope you enjoy. 

Word Count: 3k+

Warnings: Cursing, Crying, Evil “fans”, pregnancy sex, mild choking king, dominant aspects, and cockwarming

Sometime in the fall of 2022

Friday, 6:00 PM, London

Being home in London felt good.

As a little girl, I always dreamed of living in the land of the Queen. I perfected my English accent by the time I was ten, whipping it out at parties and sometimes school plays. When I was 15, a freshman in high school, I auditioned for our school play that would take place in Kent, England. Our sister school would accept us in their homes for six months of the year while we rehearsed and learned together. I was crushed when I didn’t get the part and I was utterly terrified that I would never get the chance to see London or Brighton. But after meeting Harry, it was one of the first serious conversations we had. The third night of our relationship, we were cuddled up in his Malibu home, talking about forever. He mentioned going home to see his Mum after his first solo world tour and though I was upset that he would be so far, I was happy for him. 

“I’m gonna tell her about you, you know?” He kissed over my wet cheeks as I sniffled. “Gonna tell my Mum about the girl I met in L.A and how she’s gonna be my wife someday.” 

Three days. 

That’s how long we had known each other when he said that. 

And he wasn’t wrong about it. 

I stepped out of my London car with my purse and to go coffee mug in hand. The car was far too expensive for my taste, but Harry insisted on having me drive the safest car on the market. Wanda, my very first Audi SUV, was big enough to fit myself, Harry, and the car seat he had installed for our future son. I dropped a free hand to my stomach, softly caressing my baby bump with a smile on my face. Ellis was kicking up a storm as he normally did around this time. I was done with work and the sun was setting which meant that a talk with Daddy would only be moments away. 

“It’s alright little love,” I winced at a particularly hard kick. “Daddy's home, just give me a moment to get inside.” 

I let out a heavy sigh, walking up the few steps to our newest home. 

It still wasn’t quite ready yet, walls unpainted and furniture askew, but it was home. 

I was still working in Milan with Vogue for at least three more weeks and Harry was on his European leg of the tour. I was in town for my doctor’s appointment scheduled for Saturday, and Harry was free of any shows or interview obligations for the weekend. In three weeks, I would officially be home in London and on maternity leave. I would be working from home, skyping with Anna and talking with the board about the new London office, but it would be nice to enjoy some time with Ellis and Harry without any work obligations getting in the way. 

“Darling,” I called out, shutting the door behind me with a smile. “Are you home?” 

“Just in the kitchen, honeybee!” Harry called out. 

I dropped my purse on the table by the front door, dropping my keys inside so they wouldn’t get lost before tomorrow. Next, I slipped off my shoes and then peeled myself out of my jacket. It was by no means freezing in London, but the fall chill was starting to set in. I made my way towards our kitchen, my hands pressed into my bump as my nose picked out the scent of oregano and tomato. Harry’s back was towards me, his hands working on something on the countertop. He looked delectable, as always, his back covered by a black t-shirt and a pair of highwaisted trousers settled on his tiny little hips. With a happy hum, I moved around the kitchen island. 

“Hiya squid.” I pressed my lips over his shoulder, pressing my hands to his hips. 

“There’s my girl.” He peered over his shoulder, dropping the knife he had been using before reaching for a tea towel. “Gimme a kiss.” 

He turned around as I puckered my lips out, kissing him a few times before his hands took over resting on my bump. For a split second, we had a moment to ourselves. But it was over the moment Ellis started kicking around again, angry that he wasn’t greeted by his Daddy before me. 

“Ellis, little man, you’ve gotta stop that.” I frowned, glancing down at my belly. “Mummy and Daddy are trying to say hello.” 

“Is someone being a little bugger today?” Harry hummed, crouching down until he was at eye level with my belly. “That’s not very nice, Ellie, is it?” 

Our son calmed down seconds after hearing Harry’s voice. 

“I think he needs you to fall asleep.” I whispered, brushing my fingers through Harry’s hair as he looked up at me. “He’s been kicking around all day so I know he’s tired.”

“S’alright little one.” Harry kissed over my belly a few times before standing up. “Why don’t you get changed into something more comfortable and then settle in on the couch. Dinner is nearly done and I’ll be right there.” 

“Alright.” I smiled, humming happily when Harry pressed his lips to mine again. “I love you.” 

“Love you too, honey.”

Saturday, 10:00 AM; London 

Harry and I’s pregnancy wasn’t news to anyone. 

Working for Vogue and being Harry Styles’ wife meant that a lot of eyes were on me constantly. Anna suggested biting the bullet and doing a spread for the magazine would be our best option. A few months ago, we agreed. There was a maternity shoot done in our L.A home with me barefoot and pregnant and Harry doting on me as he always did. We did a quick interview on paper, a quick photo shoot, and a small video tour of our home before Anna called it quits. The world went crazy when it all came out, the official announcement on my Instagram promoting the video. Since then, it had been quiet. There wasn’t a lot of fuss over me and Harry was still getting his usual amount of fans at the airport and other places when he traveled, but other than that we were fine. 

Until today. 

“Mr. Styles,” The receptionist at our OBGYN’s office in London looked nervous. “There’s quite a large crowd of people outside of our building.”

“Bloody hell.” He grumbled under his breath, letting out a heavy sigh. “I’ll have it taken care of. I’m very sorry about that, love.” 

“S’alright.” She said quickly. “We’ve locked the doors so no one is permitted in and our other patience won’t be her until after lunch. It should be fine.” 

“Thank you.” She nodded before retreating from our exam room. “I need to let Jeff know. We need someone to have the car pulled around when we leave.” 

“You can go talk to them while we wait, Harry.” I said softly, reaching for his hand. “Or after, even, I don’t mind.”

“M’not really in the mood today.” He mumbled, reaching for his phone. “I want you in the car, untouched and safe more than anything.” 

I didn’t argue with him, nodding along as Ellis moved around in my belly. 

Harry spent most of the wait typing on his phone, no doubt talking with Jeff. I sat there anxiously, twiddling with my fingers while I waited for our doctor to come in. Another ultrasound would be happening today and we would be going over the final steps of my pregnancy and birth plan. When Dr. Hillcrest stepped inside, my heart rate increased. Harry put his phone away, reaching for my hand as she greeted us. 

“So, how have you been feeling Mummy?” She asked, sitting down on her stool with her clipboard in hand. “Any braxton hicks?”

“Once or twice.” I nodded. “First time I thought I was in labor, scared the hell out of me.”

“It is quite scary when you’re not used to it.” She chuckled. “As we’re nearing the end of your third trimester, there are some things we need to go over. We’re doing tests for Glaucoma, Anemia, Hep B, and a few other things. We’ll be going over the final steps of your birth plan today as well. Have you toured any of the hospital’s in Milan?” 

“Yes, I did a few last week.” I nodded. “I’ve decided on Mangiagalli.”

“Perfect.” She said. “I’ll get in contact with the head of the Maternity Ward today and I’ll make sure they have all of the information.” 

“We’re really hoping he’s not born in Milan.” Harry chuckled softly. “It would be a bit odd to have him there while Beatrice is trying to close out the office.” 

“Odd is a very nice way to say it.” I laughed. “But I’m glad we’re prepared.” 

“Babies wait for no one.” Dr. Hillcrest let out a soft chuckle. “I hope you don’t deliver there either, I would love to be there with you when you deliver.” 

It took another hour or two before we were finished in the office. 

I was told that in about four weeks, I would need to stop flying. 

That gave me plenty of time to get things finished up in Milan before making it home to London. Harry had plenty of questions for Dr. Hillcrest and I was thankful that he remembered all the ones I wanted to ask as well. When we were done with the testing and the ultrasound, Harry helped me slip back into my comfortable clothes before lacing his fingers with mine. The nervous smile he gave me meant there was still a crowd outside that we had to deal with. I squeezed his finger, reassuring him that no matter what happened, we would be fine.

“The car is up front.” He said softly. “We’re getting you in first and then me. No stopping, no talking, just get in the car.” 

“Alright.” I said softly. “We’ll be fine.” 

“I know.” He kissed me quickly before leading me outside. 

The cheering increased, loud screams and Harry’s name being chanted nearly shocked me. I hadn’t seen a crowd this big outside of a building before. I glanced over at Harry, my heart rate picking up a little as he talked to a man dressed in all black. Harry glanced back at me, pulling me closer to his side before ushering me to the car. He opened the passenger side door for me, shielding my body from the crowd as my hands started to shake. He reached for my seat belt, his eyes full of worry and anxiety. 

“I’m sorry, honey.” He cooed, pressing a quick kiss to my cheek. “S’gonna be alright. Just give me a minute, yeah?” 

“I love you.” I said, reluctant to let his hand go.

“I know, honey.” His lips pressed into mine. “You’ve gotta let go so I can get in, okay?” 

I nodded weakly, loosening my grip up. 

Harry shut the door and I tried to avoid looking out the window, but there was a crowd of girls moving in closer and closer. I was afraid that they would get to the door before I did, but I couldn’t lock Harry out. I gasped when the drivers side door opened, snapping my head around to see Harry. He locked the doors before flipping the car in drive. Seconds after we started moving, I heard thudding against the side of the car door. My anxiety was washed away by anger, water splashing against the side of the car as they continued to throw their bottles at us. 

“Fucking hell.” I snapped, my fingers balling up into fists. “That’s just ridiculous.” 

Harry didn’t say a word, peeling out of the lot and onto the streets of London. 

He was careful not to speed the entire way home, but I could tell that he wanted to. 

At some point, his hand landed on my thigh, squeezing firmly as his jaw clenched. I watched the profile of his face, worried more about how he was taking it than myself. These were his fans that had pissed him off. They had come to close for comfort and they had crossed a line when they started throwing things at us. When we made it home, he slammed the car into the park before getting out. Gently, he helped me out of the car, his hand landing right on my bump as my feet hit the ground. The small action sparked something in me, a pool of wetness beginning to form between my thighs. When we made it in the house, Harry started to move away from me. 

“Wait,” I said, holding his hand tightly. “Where are you going?” 

“Gonna go blow off some steam.” He said. “I’m fucking livid.” 

“I know.” I nodded. “Take it out on me.” 

“What?” He said, his wild eyes growing wider as he let out a bitter laugh.  “I’m not gonna do that, Beatrice.” 

“I want you to take it out on me, Harry.” I stepped forward, reaching for his other hand. “Fuck me.” 

“Beatrice, no.” He said. “What happens if I’m too rough? What happens if I lose-” 

“As if I would let you do anything to harm me seriously, Harry.” I scoffed. “You’ll be fine and I promise to tell you if it’s too much. But please, fuck me.” 

His chest was heaving as he looked down at me, his lips shiny from licking and biting over them nervously in the car. He let out a soft curse before lunging forward, his hands grabbing my face firmly. I whimpered in relief when he pressed his lips into mine, his tongue showing no mercy as it explored my mouth. It had been weeks since we made love and months since we’d had a proper fuck. Things were more tender for us in the bedroom, Harry’s fear of harming me or Ellis ever present at the front of his mind. When my bum collided with the couch, I knew I was going to get what I wanted from him. Harry pulled his lips from mine, tugging my shirt over my head quickly. 

My leggings were next to go, my hands pressed into his shoulders as I clumsily stepped out of them. I didn’t bother with a bra or panties, knowing that our only stop would be the doctor's office today. When Harry’s head disappeared past my bump, I whined. Seconds later, I felt his teeth scraping over my thigh before lightly biting down. I welcomed the sting, a rush of warmth flooding over me as my pussy began to throb before him. Harry pulled back when I started to move my hips closer to his face, wanting to feel his tongue caressing my clit. 

“Not now.” He growled out, standing up. “Upstairs, on the bed.” 

“What?” I squeaked out, sure that I would get my proper fucking right here. “What’s wrong with the floor?” 

“Now, Beatrice.” He gripped my chin with his thumb and forefinger, his voice stern. “On all fours.” 

When I turned around reluctantly, pouting at the missed opportunity for floor sex, I felt a sharp smack on my ass. I cried out, glancing back at Harry as I pressed my hand over my bum. Harry smirked at me, crossing his arms as I waddled away with narrowed eyes. I had asked for it and I was definitely going to get what I wanted. I climbed up the stairs slowly, waddling towards our bedroom. When I made it to our bed, I did as I was told. My hands and knees pressed into the plush mattress, our duvet soft on the skin of my knees. Maybe this was better than the floor. 

After a few moments, Harry was pushing into the room behind me. He wasted no time stripping himself down before kneeling on the bed behind me. I opened my mouth, prepared to make a smart comment about him being eager, but I was cut off before I could even speak. The head of his cock pushed into me first and then the rest followed. I gasped, dropping my head forward as his hips collided with mine. I clenched my eyes shut, welcoming the feeling of Harry’s length. 

“Always squeeze me so good.” Harry moaned out behind me and I could imagine he’d dropped his head back in bliss. “Hold tight for me, yeah? Tell me if it’s too much, Beatrice. Promise me you will.” 

“I promise,” I gasped out as he pulled away, his cock leaving my walls vacant and begging for more. It didn’t last long before was fucking into me again, harder this time as his fingers dug into the flesh of my hips. “Oh!” 

Harry’s soft grunts and the force of his thrusts had me sitting on cloud nine. I was enjoying the pounding I was getting, his hips slapping against mine as he gave me everything he had. I was a babbling mess below him, begging for more, harder, faster, please! Harry met my every need, angling his hips perfectly so that he was hitting every spot within me that I needed to be satisfied. It didn’t take long for me to cum around him, my walls fluttering without warning as my arms started to grow weak. Harry was quick to mold his chest to my back, pulling me up until my head was dropped back on his shoulder. He had no problem fucking me just as hard as I came around his cock. 

“V’got you honey,” He nipped at my ear. “I’ve got you. Gonna make you cum again for me, okay? Can you do one more for me?” 

I nodded, but that wasn’t enough.

“Say it.” He grunted, sliding the hand that was holding my  belly up to my throat. “Use your words.” 

“Please, Harry.” I whimpered as his fingers rested over my throat. “Make me cum again.” 

“Good girl.” His teeth raked over the skin of my shoulder before he bit down on me, a loud moan tearing from my throat. “There’s my girl, so fucking good for me all the time.” 

“Yes, yes.” I cried out as he delivered a few thrusts that were harder than the others. “M’gonna cum, M’gonna-” 

“Do it.” He said. “Cum on my cock honey. Give me a good one.” 

A flash of white took over my senses as I tightened around his cock. 

I wasn’t sure if I had moaned, my mouth dropped open as I reached out for Harry’s hand on my hips. My body jerked against his as he stilled inside of me, grunting loudly in my ear as his hips flexed forward. He pushed his cum inside of me, almost as if he was trying to put another baby in me. When I finally came back to my senses, Harry was slipping out of my walls and I was crying. 

“No, no.” I sniffled, reaching back for his hips. “Stay.” 

“Honey, I’m...I can’t.” 

A soft sob ripped out of my throat and seconds later, Harry was guiding my body to the bed. 

“What’s wrong, honey?” His hands were flying all over my body, pressing into my skin to make sure I was fine. He settled his palm on my belly, his eyes wide with fear. “What hurts?” 

“I just wanted you to stay in me.” I sniffled, reaching up to wipe under my eyes. “I’m so empty now.” 

“Oh, honey.” He collapsed on the bed next to me, kissing over my face. “It’s alright, it’s gonna be alright.” 

I curled myself into his chest, digging my fingers into his sides as he covered our naked bodies with the throw at the end of our bed. He pressed gentle kisses over my forehead, brushing his hand up and down my back in soothing circles to try and calm me down. Rationally, I knew it was pregnancy hormones, but I still felt empty without his cock in me. 

“Turn around fo’ me.” He whispered, patting my thigh. I did as he said, turning on my side as another sob pulled from my throat. “It’s alright, honey. Lift your leg up and put it on the pillow.” 

He guided one under my leg, brushing his hand softly over my thigh as he moved his front closer to my back. Seconds later, I felt the head of his cock at my entrance. 

“Hold on, sweet girl.” He whispered. “You ready?” 

I nodded my head, reaching back to hold onto his hip as he slipped inside of me, harder than he had been earlier when we started our little escapade. 

“So fucking tight, honey.” He whimpered into my ear. “S’that what you wanted?” 

“Yes.” I gasped out wetly, nodding my head. “S’full.” 

“Love you so much, Beatrice.” He whispered as I started to drift off. “Close your eyes for me honey, go to sleep. 

“Love you, too.”

[thevoiceiskillingme]

Time for people

Wow, it's been a few days. Time flies so fast. It's funny, right? Every day feels agonizingly long and dreadful, but then suddenly it's been almost 5 months. In about 7 months I'll be 25, whaaat! This is going to be a long post, so I'll put this on here to avoid spamming.

Anyway, I've been having some urgent sessions with my psychologist, which have helped. I also saw my doctor last Thursday, which I've been waiting for, for like 2 months. She couldn't do much though, which I guess I already knew. I have to wait until I've taken the MRI, which is tomorrow. I've waited over 2 months for that as well. Thankfully my doctor wants to see me again in a week, so it feels like she takes me seriously. She had me take an EKG as well, which showed that my heart is perfectly fine - and that was exactly what I needed. I've barely (if at all) had issues with panic since then. Which, oh my god, is such a relief. I still feel myself being unable to go anywhere without my pill box of benzos. But right now I don't mind. I've always thought of them as a comfort, you know? I don't take them just to take them (sometimes I do, but rarely), I rather have them as an emergency solution if my situation gets unbearable.

This weekend we've been extremely busy. We packed half our stuff (stress) and drove to my hometown (where we're moving), and got the keys to our new house. Which I'd been dreading a little, as I get anxious and stressed easily and imagined it involving a lot of talking and practical stuff. But it went rather quickly! We just had a look around to check that they'd cleaned well, and so on. The seller also gave us gifts, which was really nice. THEN the rest of the day was rather eventful.

My family brought a lot of our new furniture (which we'd stored at theirs) and oh my god, my family is so great and extremely helpful. While getting things into the house and organizing, our next-door neighbour came around the corner with her 15-month old son. We talked a little, and she was really nice. She did, however, ask about my occupation regarding work etc. I answered vaguely, but said that I wasn't working right now. I don't have a problem telling people I'm on disability, I just casually focus more on the fact that I have prolapse in my lower back, instead of the fact that I have a severe psychiatric diagnosis. We'll talk more in the future.

My dad and I drove and picked up the big furniture, and I was a little stressed about it, but it went really well. The rest of the day we just put together furniture and it took a long time. I took a few breaks here and there, but it didn't drain me like it did when we moved last time (mostly because of the fact that I was on antipsychotics at the time). The neighbour across from us from our terrace knocked and said hi, which was very nice! I have been a little anxious about it afterwards though, because I fear that I might have appeared rude and/or not welcoming, but my partner assured me I was fine. We went home at around 9.30 pm I think, after starting the whole ordeal at about 4 pm. However, right when we were about to leave the house, the neighbours across the street said hi. They're a couple our age, and I sorta know her from before; mutual friends. They were super nice, and I have a feeling we'll be good friends. They also have such a cute dog.

I took sleeping pills (not addictive at all), and one benzo before bed, and slept well. The next day we started early, but that day my brother (who was super helpful) had to work. We got so much done, so much more than I expected! We also went to stores and bought some more detail-oriented stuff, and practical stuff. Curtains, towels etc. Oh, and the coolest book-shelf ever. We also bought all the tecnhical stuff; fridge, washer, dryer, which will arrive on Monday (thanks for picking it up, mom!) While my partner and I sat outside and put up our outdoor furniture, our next-door neighbours came around. The little boy was so very fascinated with the screws and building, and slowly came closer and closer. It's nice that he feels safe around us. He did not want to go back home at all. It was so very cute.

We finished most of the living room, bathroom, bedroom (it's amazing), terrace, kitchen etc. My partner and I stayed a little longer and packed out and organized some of the stuff we brought from our current apartment, but we were exhausted and didn't do all of it. We went back to my parents' earlier that day, and just had a nice dinner and relaxing evening with talking and TV. We also bought a few nice things for them (and my brother) to thank them for all the help. I took the same cocktail, and slept well.

On Sunday we just chilled, looked at lamps and stuff online. We drove back to our apartment at around 2 pm. Did just about nothing productive the rest of the day. I only took the non-addictive sleeping pills before bed, but slept really well. I was also barely dizzy last night (and the weekend in general), which felt amazing. Maybe my psychologist is right, and it's caused because of stress? I really fucking hope so. The next few days we're just packing up, having some of my family picking up the big furniture from here, and then we're moving. Apart from a few appointments tomorrow and Thursday, I have a lot of time for packing.

I dreaded the thought of being awfully stressed and the whole shabang, but I feel eerily calm. I'm also so fucking excited to actually move in properly. Not everything is ready, but we have all we need to live there. It's just a few things we need to get in order, but there's no rush. The only thing I'm afraid of, is that the neighbours won't like me, but hey - I'll just do my best and be myself, and we'll take it from there. I'm definitely gonna be approachable, because that is actually the way I am. I love our neighbours, and I'm 100% sure this is a great thing.

I don't know if I've written about it here, but I go to treatment at a specialized place for people with severe diagnoses (schizophrenia, bipolar etc), and I will continue to go there. Which means travelling back and forth every two weeks (about 3 hours travel time both ways), but it's worth it.

I can't begin to describe how excited I am to begin this new chapter. We officially move in on Friday, and I hope the days fly by fast. I hope to make some good friends (which I really think will happen), and just... relax, I guess. I feel safe and calm there.

Anyway, this has been a super long post. If you've read everything - you deserve a golden star! I need to go pack a little now, but I'll be back soon enough.

[belovedrival]

Sorry this is all a blargh kind of post but this is how I feel right now:

My grandpa died last Thursday. To support my dad, I went to my parent’s house on Friday and stayed until today. I’m glad I went (my aunt and uncle were there too) but when I got home I felt completely overwhelmed.

Mister’s school had a baby shower for us on Friday, which was very loving and generous, but the nursery, which was very clean and organized, looks like a wreck again. And there’s more things that need washing. More things to do.

I’m tired of people telling me (whether in jest or being serious) that my house will never be clean again - oh, and I’ll never get enough sleep for at least a decade. It’s not helpful. Or funny. Seriously, either shut up or give constructive advice.

Every room - and I mean EVERY room in the house - needs organization/cleaning/something done. It makes me even more tired to think about it. I put away clean clothes a little while ago - that helped to feel like SOMETHING is being done.

There’s been a mix-up, on my end, over who’s parents will be here when after Wiggles is born. I thought my in-laws would be here a bit early, but nope - now it sounds like they’re waiting on my parents. Which is okay on the one hand, because my parents are a couple hours away, but on the other it’s not okay because my brother and sister-in-law are also expecting a baby very soon, and my mom told me this morning that she has plane tickets to go to their house on March 21st. So now I’m like...okay, I thought THAT part of organizing help for the first couple weeks was done, but it’s not. Add that to the list.

Grandpa’s funeral is next Saturday in Missouri, where there’s basically no Coronavirus restrictions unless the family calls for it, and my dad’s side of the family is not on the whole, people who call for it. And of course every second cousin within driving distance has been invited to come - to the funeral, the meal afterwards, and the grave side military ceremony. Mister’s been asked to be a pallbearer and this is my last living grandparent, so my inclination is to go because I know I would regret not going to my Grandpa’s funeral in a month, in a year, in ten years. People might feel differently but this is an event where it only happens once. There’s no way to do it later. I have zero input over the plans because they were all made by Friday afternoon and I didn’t find out about them until Friday evening. I’m not scared of getting Coronavirus but what I *am* scared of is Mister getting it, or testing positive, I go into labor, and then I’m forced to give birth without the one person allowed to be with me. We could mask, but I have to be realistic: there won’t be social distancing and we can’t keep our masks on while eating (obviously).

And I hate even thinking of all this, because I feel like I should be remembering Grandpa, and instead I’m feeling resentful that two of the last weekends before my due date have been completely devoid of doing anything substantial at home, and the list of things to do keeps getting longer, and people keep saying very sweet things like how good I look, while inside I feel like an ungrateful bitch because I’d prefer a cleaning crew or house elves to organize my house over their compliments, so I don’t keel over from stress.

One of my coworkers is off later this week. I can’t take time off to do stuff at home. I feel like this is my last realistic week to get anything done work-wise.

Did I mention I’m pretty sure I felt real contractions - not Braxton Hicks - over the last couple days?Nothing consistent but...let’s add to my stress, la la la la la...

Tomorrow is my pre-registration at the hospital, and I’ve got another appointment with my doctor, and another NST. I’ve got two NSTs a week scheduled for the duration, on Mondays and Thursdays. This coming Friday I have another ultrasound. Fingers crossed Wiggles is still head down.

And now Mister is on the phone because another student tested positive. At least this time he’s not as worried because 1) this student, unlike the last positive case, wasn’t crawling all over him (literally) yesterday and 2) he and the entire staff got their first shots yesterday. For what it’s worth.

Argh. I hate feeling tugged in two. But Wiggles, and us, come first. I’ll talk to the doctor tomorrow and explain the situation, and ask if/what’s the wise thing to do.

I want, desperately, to be there when Grandpa is laid to rest. Fuck Coronavirus, fuck how much everyone’s been divided over the response to it this past year. I’ve never been an absolutist about it - I do not think it’s reasonable to expect those with little to no risk to quarantine for months on end; nowhere in history were healthy people expected to behave as though they were sick. Neither do I think it’s right to just go on with things as though it’s 2019; I wish it was, but it’s not. If we pull the trigger and say we’re not going I can just hear what my sister will say. My brother and sister-in-law aren’t coming; they say they want to avoid a situation like they had with my nephew G, when they barely made it to the hospital before he was born. Driving eight hours one way isn’t something to put my SIL’s mind at ease. I get that. And, of course, there’s Coronavirus. My sister is half convinced that R simply doesn’t want to travel to Missouri (though my brother’s family plans on going to the beach later this summer, pandemic or no pandemic) - and she (my sister) might be right.

Thank God that my mother said before I left them today (with my father standing right there, nodding) that whatever we chose, they would support us. This still sucks.

Things will get done, somehow. Wiggles might decide to make his/her appearance this week and the whole conundrum is solved for us (though I’m going to hit 37 weeks this week and I’d rather cook for another week).

Oh, I can’t even getting too much into the guilt I feel over not writing/updating my fics. It makes me depressed thinking that I won’t get any time for that for the foreseeable future. I understand having a child trumps personal things, but I can’t help but mourn a little for my former life. I am not my mother - someone who poured her life into being “mom” and seemingly had very little/no other personal interests until we were out of the house. I am so grateful for the opportunity to be a mother; but there’s more than that one side of me. Does that make sense?

(My mom is a wonderful mom, by the way. She also is an excellent amateur photographer who I think could sell her pictures if she wanted to.)

Gotta end this rant/blargh somehow. I hope you all have a more peaceful evening.

[cassolotl]

Just submitted my response to the Trans Inquiry 2 (England and Wales)

You can see the call for evidence from the W&EC here on Twitter, and submit your evidence here. It requires a Word, ODT or RTF file to be uploaded. You can write as much or as little as you like.

The deadline is tomorrow, Friday 27th November 2020.

My response is below the cut, because it’s over 3,000 words long...! But please, be aware that you can write 20 words if you need to. You can just say “I’m trans and the reforms still don’t allow me to have a gender recognition certificate. They don’t go far enough, because the process is unnecessarily medicalised and still doesn’t accommodate nonbinary people.”

~

ABOUT ME

I am 34 years old. I live in Powys, Wales. I am nonbinary - specifically, I feel like I have no gender at all. My pronouns are singular they (they/them/their/theirs/themself, plural verbs). I learned what nonbinary was when I was 24, and immediately came out and began my transition. I have been attending the NHS gender identity clinic (GIC) in London since April 2012, about 8.5 years. Throughout that time I have presented as openly nonbinary, and have had surgeries and hormone treatments from the NHS to aid in an androgynous presentation. I have all the records and paperwork that I would need to receive a gender recognition certificate (GRC), if one were available to nonbinary people. I am openly nonbinary with everyone I see and interact with on a regular basis (social workers, support workers, landlords, friends and family, etc).

~

SUMMARY

The Government’s proposed reforms are positive but only a fraction of the changes needed to ensure trans people have equal rights and sufficient trans-specific medical care.

In particular, three additional gender clinics in the NHS are horrifically insufficient, especially for children and adolescents facing the body-horror and permanence of the wrong puberty, resulting in preventable major surgeries. Requirements for obtaining a gender recognition certificate remain excessive, demoralising and unnecessary. The financial cost currently involved is much greater than the £140 fee, making a fee reduction seem like lip service.

The gender recognition process remains needlessly and discriminatorially medicalised, unacceptably has higher standards for gender recognition than the NHS has for medical transition, and allows for stalling and abuse by spouses because UK marriage laws are needlessly gendered. It also does not account for Gillick competence in the case of legal gender recognition for children.

There is a complete lack of provision for nonbinary people, which is unacceptable, especially now that the courts have found that nonbinary people are protected under the transition characteristic of the Equality Act 2010. This means that nonbinary people are unable to marry or parent children while being authentic in their genders, and are unable to receive a correct pension.

These barriers presented to trans people mean that still only a minority of trans people will access gender recognition certificates, which results in unnecessary and preventable problems for trans people, but also for the systems that have to accommodate them in accordance with the Equality Act 2010.

~

RESPONSES TO PROMPTS

The Government’s response to the GRA consultation:

Will the Government’s proposed changes meet its aim of making the process “kinder and more straight forward”?

Yes, but only marginally.

Three new GICs: Each month the NHS makes several months’ worth of referrals to GICs. Nowhere in the UK is it possible to access a GIC within the 18-week NHS-set timeline; the average wait is 18 months, which is horrific for transgender adults, and devastating and traumatic for transgender adolescents who are forced to go through the body-horror of the wrong puberty while waiting for two appointments to be prescribed puberty blockers. [1] It follows that in order to bring this waiting list down to lawful amount of time we need to increase the number of NHS GICs not by 40% but by 400%.

Fee reduction to “nominal amount”: I have still seen no reason to delay making this process a demedicalised case of submitting a form declaring a change of legal gender, much like changing one’s name by deed poll. We are not charged to update our details with HMRC, so we need not be charged for updating our details at a General Register Office.

Placing the procedure online: This is something that should have been done decades ago, but better late than never. It is also an attempt to repair the Titanic with superglue as it sinks. The system is difficult to access for all trans people, but not because of the method of application. The problem is that we are required to apply to the gender recognition panel at all.

Should a fee for obtaining a Gender Recognition Certificate be removed or retained? 

It should be removed. It is arbitrary, and other administrative changes of a similar nature and risk level do not have fees associated.

Are there other financial burdens on applicants that could be removed or retained?

The requirement to provide medical evidence for change of gender is unnecessary and costs money. For example, living in rural West Wales means that for the 8 years I’ve been attending the London GIC I have been paying for accommodation in London, because it is not physically possible to travel to London by public transport and back in one day when attending a GIC appointment. Each trip costs me at least £80 or so out of pocket, because I have to find accommodation close to the GIC for me and a PA (I am disabled and receive direct payments). I am entitled to have my travel costs refunded by the NHS but others are not, so attending GIC appointments will cost them money even if they don’t have to stay overnight.

At the moment the wait of in some cases several years for a first appointment followed by 1.5 years waiting for the second appointment means patients being referred today will be waiting 4-5 years for their first hormone prescription or surgery referral, so a significant number of people who would like a GRC have to pay for private treatment to get the proof they need within a reasonable timeframe.

Should the requirement for a diagnosis of gender dysphoria be removed?

Yes. Legal gender need not be a medical issue. As when changing one’s name, legal gender need only be a case of signing a document with witnesses. The two reasons I’ve heard cited against demedicalising the gender recognition process are (1) fraud prevention and (2) protection of vulnerable women in single-sex spaces.

(1) We already have laws against fraud, and it is very easy and cheap to legally change one’s name in the UK. When you consider how “identifying” something like a gender is when compared to other identity metrics such as photographs, dates of birth, names, etc. (i.e. not very), it seems absurd that gender is so difficult to change. Existing fraud laws would allow for prosecution as easily if changing one’s legal gender were a matter of a statutory declaration only.

(2) We already have laws against abuse of women, women’s spaces are already protected even taking into account the Equality Act 2010, and in general the women responsible for protecting those women-only spaces currently accommodate and welcome trans women and have done for a long time. [2] Birth certificates are not required for accessing women-only spaces such as shelters, toilets and changing rooms. Other ID that might be required in a less free version of our current society, such as driver’s licences or passports, do not require a gender recognition certificate to have the gender marker changed, so demedicalising the gender recognition process has no effect on provision of necessary gender-exclusive services.

Anyone wishing to use an alternative gender presentation for fraudulent or abusive purposes does not have a more difficult time in the crimes that they are attempting to commit thanks to the Gender Recognition Act. The fact that currently only 1 in 10 transgender people have a GRC suggests that the system can currently accommodate people whose genders don’t match their birth certificates or tax records, so presumably making it much easier for people to make all of their IDs match will make no difference to fraud and abuse incidence, and may make it easier by removing discrepancies.

I would also argue that the current “gender dysphoria diagnosis —> correct ID” situation is back-to-front. Wanting ID that reflects a gender that is different from the one you were assigned at birth is evidence of gender dysphoria, and so applying for a birth certificate that shows a different gender to the one you were assigned at birth should be considered evidence of gender dysphoria for a diagnosis. It doesn’t need to go through a doctor; wanting to change the ID should be enough on its own.

Should there be changes to the requirement for individuals to have lived in their acquired gender for at least two years?

Yes. Being transgender isn’t something that comes on suddenly later in life. It is a neurodevelopmental issue, considered by some medical professionals to begin in the womb. Having to wait two more years to have that gender recognised in law seems arbitrary and unnecessary.

Most transgender people have known that their gender was different to the one they were assigned at birth for years before they begin their transition. I would say that making it very difficult to change one’s legal gender is, among other factors, something that contributes to this unfortunate tendency.

I understand that living in a new gender role for two years is considered proof of commitment to that gender role by the state. Proof of this nature is not required for other administrative matters such as change of name or title. Let’s imagine the same situation for something that might be considered harder to change because it is by its nature decided by biology: date of birth. If one’s date of birth had been entered incorrectly on a birth certificate and the individual or their parents noticed some years later, the birth certificate could be corrected with, at most, medical records showing that the baby was born on a different day. Likewise, to change a gender marker on a birth certificate should require, at most, medical records showing that the individual’s gender was assigned incorrectly at birth. This would be a copy of a letter from a doctor diagnosing gender dysphoria, which requires only 6 months of a specific type of discomfort. The legal system therefore is four times more strict about changing legal gender than the NHS is about referring for permanent gender-affirming surgery or prescribing hormones that cause permanent physical change. This is unnecessarily stringent. It could be considered discriminatory under the Equality Act 2010: trans people are less able to change incorrect records relating to their gender, in accordance with GDPR, because of the additional barriers.

If the gender recognition process was easy and cheap, and for some reason a person changed their gender marker on a whim and then wanted to change it back, it would be very easy for them to do so - but as you learned in the first Trans Inquiry some years ago, countries such as Ireland, where it is easy and cheap to change your legal gender, have not seen this happen. In general, we know that when it is easy and cheap to change your one’s legal gender, people tend to do it once and then never again.

What is your view of the statutory declaration and should any changes have been made to it?

I have no problem with the statutory declaration aspect of the gender recognition process. It seems acceptable that a change intended to be permanent should require the signing of a binding legal document, and that people who do so for fraudulent or otherwise harmful reasons be subject to criminal proceedings.

I am opposed to a spouse’s consent being required for married/civil-partnered people, as it gives another person unnecessary and potentially harmful control over their spouse’s transition.

Does the spousal consent provision in the Act need reforming? If so, how? If it needs reforming or removal, is anything else needed to protect any rights of the spouse or civil partner?

I understand that when one person in a marriage is changing their gender that changes the legal status of the marriage from a different-gender marriage to a same-gender marriage, or vice versa, and I agree that a spouse must consent to that change as an equal participant.

In order to resolve this issue, I would suggest making marriage law gender-neutral. There is no reason to have a same-gender marriage be any different than a different-gender marriage in law. It need not be “men can marry women, men can marry men, women can marry men, women can marry women” - it can simply be that an adult can marry another adult. That way, if one of the spouses changes their gender, the marriage is unchanged.

This would also prepare marriage law for legal recognition of nonbinary genders.

Should the age limit at which people can apply for a Gender Recognition Certificate (GRC) be lowered?

I am not aware of any reason why it would not be appropriate. In the UK, the NHS has a policy of assuming that children are capable of understanding and consenting (or not consenting) to medical treatment. It should be assumed that a child can also consent (or not) to having the gender marker on their birth certificate changed.

What impact will these proposed changes have on those people applying for a Gender Recognition Certificate, and on trans people more generally?

Moving the process online will allow people to apply electronically, which would likely have a positive impact on the environment due to being less CO2-intensive. It may also make the process faster, which would be positive.

Making the process cheaper will allow poorer people to apply for a GRC, which is positive.

The NHS providing 3 more GICs will allow some patients to travel a shorter distance to access care, which is positive.

However, I don’t think these changes will have a significant impact on the most serious issues affecting transgender people. I consider these to be: excessive waiting times for transition-related treatments, difficulty of access to change of legal gender, the demoralising and humiliating nature of the gender recognition process, and the complete lack of legal recognition of nonbinary genders in UK law.

What else should the Government have included in its proposals, if anything?

Legal recognition of nonbinary genders (including availability of gender recognition certificates and X gender markers on state-issued ID), legal gender recognition by statutory declaration, 400% increase in the number of gender identity clinics in the UK, and no cost for GRC application.

Does the Scottish Government’s proposed Bill offer a more suitable alternative to reforming the Gender Recognition Act 2004?

Yes.

Living in the “new” gender role is required for only 6 months, in line with diagnosis of gender dysphoria. A diagnosis of gender dysphoria is not required, as living in the “new” gender role would suggest that the person has gender dysphoria to the extent that they wish to live in the “new” role and the official diagnosis would be superfluous. A statutory declaration is required, which seems acceptable. All of this seems positive to me.

Requiring applicants to wait for three months to consider their application seems unnecessarily patronising and patriarchal, but the proposed Scottish Bill is still much more fit for purpose than the current and proposed England-and-Wales model.

~

Wider issues concerning transgender equality and current legislation:

Why is the number of people applying for GRCs so low compared to the number of people identifying as transgender?

I am not sure. I imagine there are several complex and intersecting reasons.

I think cost is probably an issue. I think that the amount and type of evidence currently required by the gender recognition panel is not very easy to obtain, and the applicant is unable to sit before the panel in person with or without a legal representative, and so there is a high risk that applicants will not meet the panel’s obscure criteria or be able to persuade them or answer their concerns/questions in person. If the application fails the money is lost, and the (significant) effort involved in application is wasted. The latter is offputting for everyone who might consider applying, and the former is a bonus barrier for poorer people.

I would speculate that it might also be because because living as a different gender than the one you were assigned at birth and getting medical treatment are easier and more medically urgent than changing one’s birth certificate, especially when compared to the frequency with which one has to show one’s birth certificate (and therefore “out” oneself, if one does not already have a GRC).

I think there is a tendency for people to think, “well, how often do I have to show my birth certificate or my tax records to people I have direct contact with? And how often are they going to be indiscreet and transphobic about it? Hardly ever, right?” But by the time they find out that transphobic people do exist and do make an issue about it, or by the time they have to show their birth certificate to someone they’d rather not come out to, it is too late and they are not able to apply for a GRC and get their records updated in time. Not having a GRC is therefore always a problem in the past, which removes urgency.

By comparison, gender dysphoria is a chronic and acute daily psychological discomfort, which is much harder to ignore.

Are there challenges in the way the Gender Recognition Act 2004 and the Equality Act 2010 interact? For example, in terms of the different language and terminology used across both pieces of legislation.

I understand that the Equality Act 2010 has now been tested in court by a nonbinary person in an employment tribunal and found to protect nonbinary people under the characteristic of gender transition “beyond any doubt”. The Gender Recognition Act doesn’t accommodate or provide for nonbinary people, and is therefore in breach of the Equality Act 2010. [3]

Are the provisions in the Equality Act for the provision of single-sex and separate-sex spaces and facilities in some circumstances clear and useable for service providers and service users? If not, is reform or further guidance needed?

I think the guidance for the Equality Act should explicitly state that nonbinary people are protected under the characteristic of gender transition. I do not feel that I am knowledgeable enough to comment on any other issues.

Does the Equality Act adequately protect trans people? If not, what reforms, if any, are needed

Now that the Equality Act 2010 has been shown in court to protect nonbinary people under the protected characteristic of gender transition I have no complaints.

What issues do trans people have in accessing support services, including health and social care services, domestic violence and sexual violence services?

A lot of trans people just don’t report hate crimes to the police because the police often don’t do anything about it. [4]

Because trans people face extra barriers in matters such as housing, employment, and primary and secondary medical care, they need additional support from e.g. Social Services. This means they have the barrier of having to ask for more than other people do, and for that request to be considered by individuals in the system who may also be transphobic, before being granted.

There was a women’s shelter in a city I used to live in, which said on a sign at the door “no men allowed!”, but then on their website it said “women only”. I emailed to ask for clarification, because I am nonbinary and it was unclear whether I would be allowed on the premises. They said that if I identified as a woman I was welcome to enter. As I don’t identify as a woman I didn’t enter. I would presumably also be barred from entering a shelter for abused men. The difficulty for nonbinary people is that there are no provisions for us whatsoever, whether provided or funded by the government/local authorities or otherwise.

Are legal reforms needed to better support the rights of gender-fluid and non-binary people? If so, how?

Yes. We need to be explicitly written into laws and guidance relating to the following:

- Marriage

- Passports

- Driving licenses

- Adoption

- Sexual violence (as victims and as perpetrators, in matters such as disclosure of transgender identity and medical history, definition of rape, etc.)

- Birth certificates (as parents, e.g. language relating to mother/father, birth parent)

- Pensions

- Hate crime

- Provision of public services and facilities (public toilets, changing rooms)

- Any law that has gender-specific statements or provisions

… and probably more.

~

[1] https://www.pinknews.co.uk/2020/08/13/nhs-trans-patients-laurels-gender-identity-clinic-south-west-waiting-list-yeovil-pride/

[2] https://www.pinknews.co.uk/2018/08/03/domestic-violence-shelters-transgender-no-impact-on-services/

[3] https://www.jdsupra.com/legalnews/gender-is-a-spectrum-landmark-uk-ruling-61650/

[4] Not a reputable third-party source, but a well-described and typical anecdotal example. https://twitter.com/JayHulmePoet/status/1328995596670267392 “Once I reported a hate crime to the police. They dropped the case without telling me, and then when a hate crime advocate called them out on it they took no action AND blamed it on me being open about being trans. I've not reported a hate crime since. The irony of the police telling me not to tell people that I'm trans so I [don’t] get hate crimed (again, not how hate crime law works) is that there's precedent for trans people to be charged with sexual offences if they have sex with someone without disclosing that we're trans.”

[beyondconfessor]

Principle Decisions [4/24]

Rating: Explicit

Pairing: Lilith/Zelda Spellman

Summary: “Ask me nicely,” she whispered, her hand coming to brush across Zelda’s cheek. “Ask me to do unspeakable things to you.”

N.B.: Also posted on AO3. This is pure fantasy, please suspend your disbelief.

“Professor Spellman?” Prudence asked as she knocked on the doorframe to her work office. “I booked an appointment for eleven?”

Zelda nodded and gestured to the chair in front of her. Prudence stepped forward into the room, moving to sit in the seat before the desk, setting her bag down beside her. She waited until Zelda paled down her pen before she sat laced her hands together and leant forward in the chair, seeming to be agitated by something.

“What can I help with you, Prudence?”

“I was hoping you might have a TA position available.”

Zelda frowned. Despite her best attempts, the Department Head had been unwilling to provide her with the required funding. “Nothing paid,” she advised.

“I don’t need a paid position,” Prudence said, though Zelda could see her deflate over the response. “There’s an opportunity next year to go to Greece, expenses paid with Professor Blackwood, but you need to have some TA experience before you can obtain the position.”

Zelda nodded, familiar with the program. “I can give you a recommendation and place in a good word with Professor Blackwood if that’s what you after from this?”

“It is,” Prudence advise. There was a keen look about her and Zelda softened.

“Well, I could use the extra hands. It would be after hours, on top of your own workload, and I’d still expect you to be pulling the same marks you are now. If I don’t think you can handle it, I’ll cease your involvement immediately.”

Prudence nodded. “I can handle it,” she assured.

“In that case,” Zelda reached into the depth of her desk, pulling out a familiar sheet she had, back when Language had funding from the university, “here, fill this in and you can come back to me tomorrow.”

Prudence brightened, reaching out. “Thank you, Professor. It’s most appreciated.”

Zelda nodded, handing the slip of paper over and watched as Prudence took her bag and left, looking pleased with herself. The position Prudence required for the following year would be fully funded if she continued to keep her marks high. Zelda wasn’t sure why she wanted the position. Although Prudence showed an aptitude for language, the study its self was based around anthropological––Faustus’ domain.

Perhaps it was just for the thrill of going to Greece and having her expenses paid. If that was the case, Zelda could hardly fault Prudence. She, herself, had gone across most of the continents to complete her doctorate, whilst simultaneously engaging in the cultures far more than a PhD required.

If she was honest with herself, she missed travelling, seeing new people, slipping into bed with a new paramour or two. Once Sabrina was in college, she might consider travelling again. Wander through the middle east and return to the northern Africa countries, or perhaps try somewhere she hadn’t gone.

“Zelda,” a knock sounded at her door. Zelda capped her pen and looked up. Prudence had been a planned interruption, but Faustus was another thing entirely. Perhaps he’d sensed her thoughts.

“Yes?” she asked, smiling tightly as he stepped into the room.

“Shirley has gone on unexpected leave for a few weeks. I understand a family member is in palliative care and she’s been advised to spend time with them before their passing.” He paused there as if to allow her a chance to speak some sympathetic nonsense, but the truth was it was for Shirley, so she didn’t care what the woman was feeling. Zelda tilted her head, waiting for him to continue speaking.

In the lack of a response, Faustus coughed, clearing his throat awkwardly.“I need you to cover her classes.”

Zelda’s eyes narrowed. “Their religious studies,” she advised.

“You double-majored in language and religion,” Faustus pointed out. “Wasn’t your most recent article on the original Hebrew texts in the context of its time?”

That was an oversimplification of what her last article had been about, it’d been about a specific passage, first and foremost, and had been about the evolution of language––but she didn’t articulate that, instead of drawing back in her seat to stare at Faustus. She was proficient in religious studies, but it wasn’t an area she enjoyed teaching in just as Shirley preferred religion and didn’t enjoy languages despite completing her associates on one of the romantic languages.

“Is there no one else?” she asked. “I already have a full schedule with my office hours.”

“I’ve checked your roster, and you have room on Monday and Friday. You don’t need to change your office hours.”

No, but she used those days for marking, as well as other administrative work. Perhaps it was beneficial that Prudence had reached out.

“How long is it for?” she asked.

“Six weeks at most.”

Six weeks, Zelda bit her tongue to stop from snapping back. “I’ll need funding for a TA until she returns then.”

Faustus’ mouth parted before he nodded. “I can find some funding.”

There, Zelda relaxed. Well, that would at least be helpful towards Prudence. If the girl was working, she might be able to ease her external shifts to help with the overflow and marking. “Thank you, Faustus. Send over what you have from Shirley, and I’ll compose a lesson plan for next week.”

“I…need you to start this Friday.”

Zelda felt her a tension return to her as she stared down at the grain in her desk, biting back any sharp comment.

She’d booked an appointment on Sunday for her Doctor’s appointment––mostly because she was overdue––but in part, if she was honest, she was intrigued as to what Lilith had to offer.

Since the Saturday, she’d been more relaxed than ever, and now she could feel that frustration returning, like an itch under her skin she couldn’t quite scratch. She wanted to scream or yell or just do something, but she couldn’t.

So she smiled at Faustus, and agreed to take on a class that she needed to prep for with only four days notice, and tried to remind herself that all of this would eventually lead to further career progression.

Besides, if she managed to take over the class and show them what a proper education looked like, she might find as well that Shirley was suddenly out of a job, leaving her and other competent academics to teach the up and coming minds of Greendale University.

“Thank you, Zelda,” Faustus said with a nod, before leaving. He left her office door wide open, and once Zelda was sure his footsteps had receded down the hall, she rose to her feet and closed the door behind him before returning to her seat.

Her nails drummed on the desk, as she rolled her shoulders and neck, trying not to remember how the sting of the crop had felt against her skin. She didn’t want to book another appointment, especially not one so soon, and especially not after running into that woman in the grocery store.

No, she needed to wait.

She reached into her drawer and picked out her cigarettes. Standing up, she walked over to the office window and inched it open. Lighting the cigarette, she stood by the window sill and blew out gusts of smoke outside watching it curl away into the air.

Six weeks wasn’t that long. A month and two weeks. She could handle the pressure of looking after that many classes, despite the headache it would inevitably cause.

And yet Friday came faster than she expected. Prudence eagerly took to the position of TA (and was all the more pleased when Zelda mentioned she managed to find some funding to help) providing Zelda with some time actually to work on the lesson plan. It meant she spent long nights in the office and had to miss out on attending Sabrina’s first cheerleading stint for football or basketball or whatever game she was cheerleading for, but that was a small sacrifice.

She promised her niece that she would attend the charity event in a fortnight, finding time in the workday to make it over to the school.

Besides, she could still attend her pep rally (whenever that was), and there would be other high school games of school sport she could attend and watch her niece cheerlead for. What was one game?

The lesson was a second-year subject, and the information Faustus had managed to send over was difficult to understand. Although there was a general framework of what they were studying, Zelda had no idea as to the messages Shirley was trying to convey or discuss with the class.

So when it came time for Zelda to attend, there was an anxious knot in her stomach. She’d prepped the best she could, but it would be up to the class to let her know where they were up to.

“Good Morning,” she said as she walked into the classroom. On the whiteboard, she wrote her name as Professor Spellman, before setting her lesson plan on the stand and looked over the class. There were far more students than Zelda expected, many of them she’d never seen before.

Shirley’s class was more popular than she realised.

“I’ll be taking over Professor Jackson’s role while she’s on leave. Can anyone tell me as to where you last left off?”

A few students explained to where they were, and Zelda felt her chest ease and knot differently. The students listened, they were aware of where they were up to, but furthermore, they were invested in the coursework.

She left the class satisfied that she’d managed to express what Shirley intended, bringing across her own influence, but also left with a sour taste in her mouth.

Should she think on it any further, she might find herself scratching at the idea until she made herself raw with deep-seated feelings she’d long left ago in her childhood.

It couldn’t be that Shirley Jackson was a better teacher than herself? It had to be that the nature of the course that religion drew in more subjects than language did (especially at Greendale University, which, although known for having its merits was not known to be the best or worst by any means).

Zelda felt her frustration grow. A solemn ache growing in her chest––could it be that she was the reason her third-year classes were skeletal at the best of times?

Perhaps she had done the wrong thing? Pushed when she should have nurtured––not that she could see Shirley being nurturing by any means, but…she must be doing something right if her classes were as full as they were.

Zelda seethed quietly, feeling the jealousy gnaw at her as she returned to her office and collected her work for the evening. Sabrina had already informed her that Harvey would be dropping her off home, so there was no need to wait for her niece to arrive. Her office hours were finished. The only reason she’d want to stay was to build a quiet time for herself, away from the bustling of Hilda in the kitchen or Ambrose rumbling through whatever music he wanted whilst he remained up in the attic.

Pausing as she set her work into her bag, she realised that home was not something she wanted either. Her body ached and itched, as nervous energy pulling under her skin.

But she didn’t want to call Lilith.

No, that wasn’t true. She desperately wanted to call and see if Lilith had availability, she just wished she didn’t want it. The last thing she desired was coming off…needy.

But…it was a service like any other, and should Zelda had found relief from a spa, she would not feel so conflicted about calling to book in a new appointment.

Zelda had spent the last few evenings trying to avoid thinking about the woman, and yet every masturbation ended up inevitably daydreaming about the woman’s riding crop on her back, her hand splayed over her chest, the idea of running into her and having the woman shover her against the next available surface and––

Someone walked past her office door, shoes clicking on the polished floor.

She cleared her throat, a blush rising over her chest and face as if her thoughts were too loud and that someone could overhear them––entirely ridiculous, and yet she stuffed the thoughts away.

Sex. She just needed sex. Casual sex, no strings attached. She flicked through the contacts in her head, trying to think of someone, but all of her ex-paramours she trusted for casual sex were now monogamous or out of state (and in some instances, out of the country).

It’d been two years. Surely she could get a handle of herself and push her needs away, focus on her article or at the very least, get a head-on lesson planning. There was more than one vibrator home should she really need to scratch an itch.

Zelda packed her bags, planning to return home to her office to work on her article. She had every intention of going home, completing tasks that needed to get done, and then having a sit-down meal with her family.

It was a good plan.

She definitely wasn’t thinking about Lilith.

She walked to her car, bag in hand, certain that if she just managed to get into the car, she’d be able to drive out of the parking lot, onto the main road and make her way back home. But evidently not, because as soon as she was in her car, her phone was out in hand and she was dialling a number that she had no right in knowing so well.

“Good Afternoon,” Lilith said. Too late, Zelda realised she’d dialled from her personal phone, and now the woman likely had her number.

If she hung-up, Lilith could just call back and even if she didn’t answer, her voicemail clearly dictated who she was. “Good evening,” Zelda responded before the woman could clip a follow-up response.

“Zelda,” the woman purred. “I thought it was you.”

“And why would you think that?”

“You’ve been on my mind,” she responded. “How can I be of service?”

Zelda drew in a breath. “I––“ she began and then because she’d begun she had to finish, “was looking to enquire into your services. Again.”

“Mm. And which services are you after?”

Not this again, Zelda thought as she rolled her eyes up to the ceiling of the car. “The same services.”

“You’ll have to refresh my memory,” Lilith teased, and Zelda’s grip on her phone tightened.

Drawing in a breath, she found her eyes flicking around the car, to the rearview and side mirrors before she said. “Dominatrix services.”

“I’m going to need you to be more specific. Many things fall under that particular umbrella.”

“Honestly,” Zelda clipped, seriously considering clicking off the device before the woman’s warm laugh poured through the speaker. “If you insist on needlessly teasing me––“

“You’re in luck. I have a spot free in about two hours if that suits?”

Zelda paused. It seemed too good to be true. And yet…the ache filled her. She wanted it more than she wanted anything else at that moment.

“It does,” she agreed.

“I look forward to seeing you. Have a think about how long you want the session to run. I have a few ideas of what we can do.” And then the phone clicked off, and Zelda was left with the words swimming around her head.

A few ideas. What on earth could that mean?

Zelda closed her eyes and sunk in the seat, biting her lip. Her gynaecologist appointment wasn’t until tomorrow and results would likely not occur for another week. Yet, the idea of even just experiencing the impact of that crop again brought a shiver down her spine.

She went home, showered and changed into a new set of lingerie before fixing her make-up again. And then she was making a passing excuse about forgetting something in the office before she was leaving again, advising Hilda to set her dinner aside.

She was fifteen minutes early, sitting in her car, her hands gripping the steering wheel as she tried to understand just how she got to this stage.

She was outside of a dominatrix’s business address, dressed in lingerie and a new dress, with more effort into how she looked than when she went into the actual office. Was this her life now? Finding herself driving out into the middle of nowhere to get spanked?

Apparently so, because as she fixed her lipstick in the rearview mirror, there was a telltale sign of a blush rushing across her cheeks.

She grabbed her handbag and exited the car, locking it behind her as she walked up to the apartment and rang the doorbell.

And then there was silence as she counted her heartbeat for five seconds before she heard the sound of Lilith’s heels on the hardwood floor of the hallway.

A shadow moved behind the door and then it opened, revealing the grinning dominatrix. Her hair was out again, though it looked recently tussled like she’d ran her fingers through it before opening the door.

Zelda drew in a breath, feeling herself battle between shrinking away and pushing forward to assert her own dominance.

And then Lilith was leaning against the doorframe, eyebrow cocked as she waited for Zelda to break the growing silence between them––just as she had at the grocers. Damn her.

“Evening,” Zelda clipped.

“Evening,” Lilith teased in return, unmoving as her eyes raked over her body, a slow, noticeable breath pulling into her lungs as if she couldn’t wait to devour her.

Zelda felt as if the air warmed around them. “Well?”

“Hmm?” Lilith said, eyes flicking back up to Zelda’s.

“Are you going to let me in or should I recall some password?”

“Ohh, I like the idea of a secret password. What do you think it is?”

Annoyance flared in her as she crossed her arms, having half a mind to turn on her heel and leave, but before she could even threaten that option, Lilith laughed, pushing off the door frame and stepped out of the way to allow her entrance.

Zelda gave an icy glare, ensuring the woman saw how unimpressed she was as she stepped inside and removed her coat. It warm inside, and already she felt overdressed.

Lilith stepped closer, and Zelda held her ground, refusing to give in to the urge to step away. And then she felt the woman reach behind her and shut the door. “You look well,” Lilith commented. “Less…frightened.”

Zelda felt a flare of anger grow inside of her. “I beg your pardon. I was not frightened.”

“At the grocers you were. I could have said boo, and you would have run away screaming…or maybe just melt in a puddle on the floor,” she added, her eyes intensely focusing on Zelda’s mouth as she spoke. “Difficult to say.”

Zelda felt a strangled breath jump in her throat before she looked away, resisting the urge to cough awkwardly.

“Have anything for me?” Lilith enquired, as she stepped forward again. This time, Zelda did take a step back, knowing exactly what she was asking.

“I––have an appointment tomorrow,” she admitted.

Lilith’s grin widened. “You won’t regret it, and personally I can say that I’m looking forward to it,” and then she was stepping back and suddenly Zelda was following her upstairs, into the bedroom.

The bedroom door was shut behind her, the ottoman bench was opened, the phone was switched off, bag and coat went inside, and then Lilith was staring at her as the lid was flicked down.

“Do you know what you want?”

Zelda felt her heart pound in her chest. She didn’t know exactly what she wanted. She wanted last time, but she wanted it to be different. She wanted to forget about the world and yet feel alive. “I trust you,” she said instead.

Lilith nodded, seeming to hold back from teasing her. “I have an idea.”

“Do you now?” Zelda asked, curious as to what the woman could possibly be thinking.

“I’ve been thinking about you,” Lilith said as she walked over to her dresser and opened it up. “I think I know exactly what you want.”

Anyone else, and Zelda would have rolled her eyes, but as she watched the woman draw out two lengths of rope and a blindfold, she found herself only further intrigued. This time, Lilith didn’t set it on the bed; instead, she dropped the items in the centre of the room, before nudging them with her heel, so they rested where she wanted it.

Zelda stared at the items, looking to the wardrobe and finding herself both relieved and disappointed to note there was nothing from there on the floor.

“Take off your dress,” Lilith said.

Zelda obeyed, unzipping underneath her arm and then rolling it down her waist to the floor where she stepped out of it. Lilith looked her over, taking note of the stockings, to where her eyes held where the hemline of the silk was.

“That one is to come off too,” she said, pointing to the slip.

Zelda felt something quiver, low in her belly as she reached down and lifted the slip off. When she dropped that to the ground as well, she watched as Lilith’s face broke out in a wide smile, seeming to admire her choice in lingerie.

“This one involves more patience,” Lilith advised. “Put your clothes away, heels too, and then we’ll begin.”

Zelda bit her inner cheek, hating how the woman made her feel like a child as she picked her clothes up off the floor and set them nicely in the ottoman, her heels placed inside of her handbag before she came to stand before Lilith.

“Do you remember your safe word from last time?”

“I do.”

“What is it?”

“Music box,” Zelda said, feeling ridiculous as she said it. But as Lilith mentioned last time, the point of the word was to be jarring, so that both of them knew that it needed to end.

“I’m going to tie you up, and then we’ll see where you’re at when you’re tied up, and if you’re still comfortable, I’m going to blindfold you.”

“And then what?” Zelda asked.

“And then we’ll see how badly you want it.”

Want what, Zelda wanted to ask, but she nodded to show she understood. Lilith grinned and then pointed to the floor, her expression sharpened, as with condescension in her voice, she ordered, “On your knees." Zelda felt the command slip over her as she pressed onto her knees, feeling the hardwood floor press against her legs.

She watched then as Lilith drew a short wooden stool over and set it down before her, before she sat upon it and crossed her legs, looking far more elegant than she had any right to.

“If you ever want to learn to do this, I can run a workshop,” Lilith said as held a hand out. Zelda placed the back of hand into her palm and watched as the length of red rope was tossed over one wrist. “When I lived in New York, I used to run a workshop with a few others like me.” She held her hand out again, and Zelda provided it. “I’ve been doing rope since I was…oh, a young girl, I suppose.”

“Am I not meant to speak?” Zelda asked, confused as to what game they were playing.

“You can speak,” Lilith nodded. “We’re just setting up, first,” she grinned just as she made a knot. “You’ll know when we’ve begun playing.”

Lilith wove a pattern over her arms, like a spiderweb slipping up her arms, and Zelda listened as she spoke about the different knots she was tied, as well as the different safety precautions she placing in so that at any stage if Zelda wanted to slip out, she could.

It was fascinating in its own right, and Zelda enjoyed watching the complicated knots made and adjusted as if Lilith had been doing them her whole life––which, in a sense, she had. At least for thirty years, she’d been tying up herself and others, just because she liked the look of the knots she could make.

“Are we doing this because of the last session?” Zelda asked, watching as Lilith began drawing the rope over her waist. What she was trying to ask in as few words as possible was, are we not doing impact play because of what occurred.

“Not for the reasons you think,” Lilith said. “You were relaxed when I tied you up. Most people get somewhat panicked at being unable to move, but you seemed entirely at ease.” Her fingers were brushing over her stomach as she spoke, slipping and weaving the rope as one end of it dangle into her lap. “I thought I might indulge the rope bunny in you.”

And then Lilith’s eyes were returning to the rope, her fingers dragging along her skin, the back of her knuckles sliding over her ribs. Zelda drew in a breath, trying to focus on the feeling of the rope against her skin.

“Turn around.”

Zelda moved onto her knees until her back was to Lilith, and felt as the woman drew her hair over her shoulder, before resuming the pattern. Zelda tried to resist the shiver that shot down her spin as Lilith’s hands drew over her, moulding the rope into place.

“So you’ve indulged in ropes from the beginning,” Zelda said in an effort to find a semblance of control. “But what about everything else?”

“You’ll have to be specific,” Lilith said. She paused, and Zelda could feel her hands, just below the band of her bra, she could easily undo it if she wanted to and there was nothing Zelda could to do stop her.

The thought struck through like a rush.

“When did you decide to be a dominatrix?”

Lilith hummed. “It’s not as interesting as you think,” she said, her fingers resuming to shift and adjust, slipping the rope through loops, twisting it around its self. “Girl met boy, boy wanted to try things with girl, girl was much better at it than boy, boy became sulky, so girl left. Tale as old as time its self,” she finished.

Zelda scoffed. “Sounds like most men.”

“Oh yes,” Lilith said and then suddenly Zelda felt a breath brush over her shoulder, a nail drawing over the skin. “Don’t worry, if you take an interest in domination, I’ll be very excited to play with you. I’m very good on my knees.”

Zelda closed her eyes, feeling a heat press through her. She was starting to get an idea as to what Lilith was getting at before.

“There,” Lilith said, and suddenly Zelda felt a kiss press to the back of her shoulder as the woman’s hands dropped away. “Now lie on your back.”

Zelda shifted as much as she could, and then felt Lilith’s hand on her, helping her to ease down on the ground. The woman rose, taking her stool with her and then sat it down by Zelda’s feet as unravelled the second piece of rope. “You’re not done?” Zelda asked.

“I told you, this is about patience. Don’t worry. There will be plenty of time to play with whatever toy you want.”

Zelda looked away, wondering what that meant, and then watched as the woman lifted her foot and began tying it.

In the state of undress, tied up, watching the woman lift one leg to drag it into her lap and focus her attention on it entirely had Zelda’s thoughts reeling in fantasies. The woman was quick with her fingers this time, binding her ankles together.

Except she didn’t stop there.

The rope began slipping up her leg, binding like a fishnet up her right leg, slipping over calves and thighs in loops, and then Zelda had to look away as she felt the woman slip the rope over the highest part of her thigh, a wicked smile on her face.

“There are certain knots you can tie,” Lilith said, while tying a knot on her inner thigh, “That can induce arousal as the occupant squirms in their bindings.”

“I’m aware,” Zelda said, her voice heavy with desire she didn’t mean to carry. “Is that what you’re doing?”

“I can, if you want,” Lilith said, “I can do it so you’ll have no relief from it, too.”

Zelda bit her lip, imaging herself bound and squirming, feeling the rope between her legs rub, but provide nothing but a tease. “And how much would you need to change for either of those?”

“To make you squirm I’d need to adjust it, but I could get you off as it is.”

Zelda laughed. “I’m sure you could with how quick your hands work.”

“Oh, no. You misunderstand, I could make you come without my hands ever touching your vagina.”

Zelda's eyebrows shot up high in disbelief. Lilith may think herself talented, but it took more than well-placed rope to get her climbing to ecstasy.

Lilith’s eyes seemed to catch her, a smirk growing on her face. “That looks like a challenge.”

“You can certainly try, but it won’t work.”

“Is that so?” Lilith asked, and then she was gently placing Zelda’s legs down to the ground. Zelda looked down, noticing that only one leg had the rope go all the way up, whereas the other was only bound at the ankle.

The rope that went around her high thigh was knotted in a way that if she were to twist, possibly she could rub herself against it, but that wasn’t something she planned on doing. She looked up, quirking her eyebrow at the woman as if to ask, is this your worst?

But Lilith only smiled down at her. “If you’d like, I can take a photo. I have a polaroid camera.”

“Absolutely not,” Zelda stated. Like hell, she would allow a picture of herself to be taken.

“I wouldn’t have your face in frame, just the ropes.”

“No,” Zelda said, before adding shortly, “Thank you.”

Lilith seemed to take no offence to it, clearly too pleased by her work as she drew her eyes over Zelda’s body.  “All the things I could do to you,” she said, drawing her eyes from head to feet. “And you’d just be begging for me not to stop.”

It was a threat, and yet Zelda felt it tremble through her, a longing pulling at the idea of being at the complete mercy of the woman. She hadn’t done anything, hadn’t so much as kissed her, and yet Zelda yearned to feel her fingers press against her body.

“You won’t though,” Zelda said. “I haven’t provided you with the test results.”

Lilith grinned. “There are a lot of things I could do to you that doesn’t involve taking your underwear off,” she pointed out. “All you have to do is ask.”

What things, she wanted to ask, but bit back the words.

“What are you planning on doing?” she inquired, hoping she didn’t sound as aroused as she was.

Lilith’s eyes drew over her before she crouched down beside her, picking up the blindfold. “First, what I’m going to do is blindfold you.”

Zelda watched, waiting as she thought about the idea of being bound and blind, relying only on her other senses. The anticipation of not knowing…

“And then…we’ll see.”

Lilith placed the blindfold over her eyes, and then settled her back on the ground, combing her fingers once again through her hair. “Remember your safe word?”

“I do.”

“Good girl,” Lilith said, and then there was the sound of her heels walking away. Zelda listened as a drawer was open, and then the creak of wood as the wardrobe was opened as well. There was a noise of something cutting through the air (like a riding crop or a whip, perhaps) and then there was silence. “You’re mine, now Zelda. Be mindful to ask politely for anything you want.”

Zelda swallowed, knowing that she meant that she had to answer correctly, or else be disciplined.

Complete, utter silence followed those words, and Zelda became all the more aware of how excited she was. Genuinely excited, as well as aroused, waiting for the woman to come out and discipline her with the riding crop, or a cane or paddle.

Or her bare hand.

Zelda pressed her thighs together, feeling the rope rub on her bare leg, pressing just below her sex. A part of her wanted to adjust, see if she could move the rope a little higher, but she didn’t. The last thing she needed was Lilith seeing her rutting off to a piece of looped rope.

She paused, feeling something draw against her skin on her leg. It was soft as it slowly slid over her bare leg and down. And then it disappeared.

Zelda hadn’t even heard the woman approach. Likely, she’d taken off her heels to allow her to slip closer and draw over her skin quietly.

Nothing followed, and then suddenly, she felt a shift, and then a weight settle on her hips. Zelda drew in a deep breath, uncertain if the woman had placed something on her, or if she was now straddling her.

Until she felt the woman’s hands draw up her sides, slipping up her ribs. Zelda arched against the rope, her hands splaying out in their bindings as a part of her tried to lean forward to wherever the dominatrix was.

“Relax,” Lilith said. “I won’t do anything like that to you.”

Oh, Zelda realised. Of course, because she hasn’t been tested yet.

“Unless you ask me to.”

Zelda almost moaned, catching in time to clench her jaw shut because there was no way she was going to let this woman know how much of an effect she had on her.

And yet, she felt the spider light touches of a hand drawing up neck, thumb and fingers slipping around the throat and Zelda wondered what it would be like to feel the woman’s hand around her throat, squeezing as she…

She realised too late that her hips had rolled and she’d very intentionally (without realising) pressed firmer against the woman’s straddling body. There was no way that Lilith misinterpreted that, no way she didn’t suspect what it meant.

“Ask me nicely,” she whispered, her hand coming to brush across Zelda’s cheek. “Ask me to do unspeakable things to you.”

Zelda swallowed, she could feel the words there, drawing tight in her chest, building up in her throat. Please, my queen. But she couldn’t say the words. How could she beg for such a thing?

Lilith’s finger swept across her cheek, and Zelda could almost taste here. How close was she to her, was she just hovering above her face. Inches from her own? Was she smirking, watching with interest, or also holding back from kissing her?

She could smell her perfume. Zelda’s mouth parted, watching to tilt her head up and kiss her or hope that she would be kissed in return.

Zelda felt the woman shift on her, leaning forward and although she could feel one hand on her face, and was so very aware of how warm it was, her attention drew to the other as it settled to cup just under her breast in a way that Zelda wondered how easily she could slip under the material and press her fingers to where Zelda could feel her nipples hardening, aching to be touched.

She wanted to whimper as she felt the fingers press against the underwire of her lingerie as if daring her to ask, the thumb edging at it, the hand on her cheek was tilting her head up, and Zelda wasn’t even sure she cared for what part of Lilith her lips touch, so as long as she felt her there.

But the woman’s command sat between them, daring her to respond and ask.

But she wouldn’t beg. She wouldn’t become some animal rutting against the woman, hoping to find relief.

“Ah, I see,” Lilith said with a warm chuckle.

And then, all at once, she was gone. She felt the woman stand up, off from her, and Zelda wished she could push the blindfold off and look at her.

She almost pleaded for Lilith's return, but her tongue held firm, swallowing the words back.

A silence loomed, and despite how her ears pricked, she could not hear Lilith move. The woman was quiet as if she walked from shadow to shadow. For all Zelda knew, she could be standing beside her, watching her move her shoulder, stretching her hands and adjusting her feet, feeling for any movement in the ropes.

There wasn’t any. The ropes held firm.

“My queen?”

“Yes?” the woman asked, and she was closer than Zelda expected. Close enough that she knew she just needed to ask.

She swallowed, “What unspeakable things would you do?”

And then Zelda felt fingers wrap around the rope on her chest, seeming to grab hold of a particular loop that sat below her breasts, in the middle of her chest, as another hand drew behind her head, fisting into her hair.

She was pulled up into a sitting position and before Zelda could do so much as gasp as she felt nails scrape against her scalp, electrifying her nerves. “Do want a taste?”

“Yes.”

She felt the woman’s mouth descend upon hers.

It was an earnest kiss, and then Lilith was straddling her lap again, and Zelda was moaning into her mouth, pressing against her as a tongue swiped over her lips, before teeth bit and tugged, and a mouth sucked, and fingers tugged at her hair until she couldn’t tell between the pain and pleasure.

She wanted to grab at the woman, but her hands were bound and pressed between them, and it was all she could do not to wriggle forward and see if she could brush the rope between Lilith’s thighs (though if happened accidentally…it was hardly her fault).

“Naughty,” Lilith said, and then her mouth was pouring down her jaw, to her neck and across her shoulder. Zelda was trying to remember how long they’d agreed to because right now all she wanted was to feel Lilith rub against her thighs as she continued to kiss her like the world was running out of time.

A hand grabbed at her breast, and then it slid underneath the cup of her bra, the other hand still fisting her hair, tugging her head back, so Zelda’s neck was elongated as Lilith's mouth continued to bite and suck at her shoulder.

It was going to leave a mark, but she didn’t care as a keened whine broke from as she felt her nerves electrify.

Lilith’s hand slid over her nipple, tweaking it, then grasping and pinching it between the length of her fingers.

If she kept doing that, Zelda was going to…to…

She groaned, feeling the rope on her thigh press against her underwear.

“I told you I could get you off without touching your cunt,” Lilith growled into her ear, and Zelda moaned at the words. “But you were so naughty that I don’t think I will.”

“No––“

“No, what?” Lilith enquired.

“Don’t stop.”

“Say, please.”

Zelda shut her jaw, groaning as the hand in her hair tugged again. Even blindfolded, she opened her eyes, wishing she could gaze upon her. She was met with darkness, but even in that, she could feel Lilith's eyes penetrating through, commanding her to just say it.

“Please,” she hissed.

“Good girl,” and the hand on breast squeezed, and Zelda felt the rope pressing against her underwear, rubbing against it as Lilith seemed to rock on her lap.

There was something unholy about the pressure Lilith had with her teeth and tongue on her shoulder like she knew just how to apply it just right as she tugged at her hair at the right moment and pinched at the nipple just right.

Zelda arched into the touch, feeling the pressure build low in her belly, growing with each rocked movement until her hips jerked, rocking over a knot on her thigh and Zelda felt the climax hit her with a sudden, strangled gasp.

It shuddered through her, and she felt the woman’s laugh rumble against her chest as she carried her through it for what felt like too short of a time before the rope became too sensitive and she was jerking her hips away.

The hand in her hair relaxed, and Lilith’s lips trailed against her neck, pressing lightly against the skin as the hand on Zelda’s breast dropped away.

Zelda drew in one breath, and then another, feeling the aftershocks tremble through her before she was placed down on the ground once more. She felt Lilith’s hands rest on either side of her face, before pushing up the blindfold as she flickered her eyes between Zelda’s, studying her.

Zelda pushed up and kissed her, lips pressing to feel the soft intake of breath against her mouth as Lilith tilted her head and sunk against her. Before she could even stop to think about how warm the woman’s lips were on hers, Lilith was pulling away, and Zelda was left to look at her flushed face, feeling thumbs draw against her cheeks bones.

“How do you feel?” Lilith asked.

Zelda nodded, swallowing before she found herself biting back a sharp comment. “Good,” she agreed. “I won’t doubt you again.”

“You  and I both know that’s a lie.”

The effects of the orgasm still ran through her and Zelda feel herself the endorphins flooding through her bloodstream. A part of her hungered to do it again, see if Lilith could get her off twice more.

But the woman climbed off and began untying her, and it was all she could to take a breath and breathe, focusing on the way the woman’s fingers unravelled the knots faster than she expected.

The moment she was unbound, the ropes were pulled away, and a strange shyness seemed to overtake Lilith as she spooled the rope, undoing the knots that remained, her eyes look away. Perhaps she felt she’d crossed a boundary, Zelda wondered.

“Are you okay?” she asked.

Lilith looked up, and her face softened, “It’s been a while since I’ve tied anyone up like that,” she admitted, though there was more to it. “If you wanted a shower, you could take one,” she said. “I’ll clean up in here and make tea.”

Zelda nodded, feeling the uncomfortable wetness slide between her thighs at the mention of it. Tea would be good, she decided.

She went to the ottoman, picking up her belongings and taking them to the bathroom, where she set them down again on the counter. The towel was different this time, a black towel.

Zelda shut the bathroom door and slid off her clothes, looking into the mirror. There were lines on her back where the rope had pressed as she laid down, but otherwise, the only mark was a growing bruise on her shoulder––easily able to be hidden with the shirts and dresses she wore.

She slid into the shower, finding the temperature warm (and with a surprisingly strong water pressure that beat down her back, soothing knots she didn’t realise she had.)

Taking the showerhead in hand, she washed over her body, cleaning the mess between her thighs. There, the water pressure was prominent in a way she didn’t expect, and Zelda nearly allowed herself to sink in that, finding her arousal growing at the idea of getting off while the woman was in the next room over. But she pushed it away, setting the showerhead back in place and stayed under the spray of water until she had her desire under control.

The woman was a dominatrix first, a sex worker. It was completely understandable that she wanted to feel the woman’s hand relieve the pressure building between her thighs. It was understandable that she was being seduced, but Zelda reminded herself that it was all pretend. A service between two consenting adults.

And if she was going to delve further into that service, actually allow the woman to penetrate her (as she so crassly spoke, likely to get a reaction out of her) then she needed to see it as a service. She was a client, yes, but that did not mean that Lilith was going to take an emotional interest in her suddenly.

She switched off the water, coming out to clean dry herself off before she dressed again (placing the underwear in her handbag, given their ruined state).

She walked downstairs and watched as Lilith finished setting out the items, placing them onto the kitchen table.

There was a tightness to the woman that settled in Zelda’s stomach uncomfortably as she took her seat. When Lilith had finished setting everything aside, the woman sat across from her, a cup of water in hand.

And then a silence sat between them.

Zelda wanted to apologise. She wasn’t sure what the apology was for, perhaps for kissing her, or for not doing the right thing, or whatever it was. But she didn’t say the words; instead, she took a sip of tea and averted her eyes to where the kitchen light flooded over the patio, bringing partial light to the garden.

Something had shifted between them.

“Did you enjoy yourself?” Lilith asked, a smile on her lips.

“I did,” Zelda said. “Did you?”

“Always,” Lilith said, but the way she said the word implied otherwise.

“I…” Zelda swallowed thickly, looking away. “I think we should stick to what we did in the first session…if this is to continue.”

Lilith nodded. “You’re the client,” she advised. “Whatever service you want, I’m happy to provide.” The expression remained, and Zelda couldn’t tell if she was relieved, or disappointed or just neutral towards it.

Zelda blinked, adverting her gaze. She was a client, just a client. Lilith was sure to have a dozen more just like her.

Taking a sip of tea, she asked. “How much for the session?”

____________

[lovemesomesurveys]

How long has it been since you kissed someone? It’s been 8 years.

Do you have reason to cry right now? Not at this moment.

Your best friend has sex with your ex, what happens? My mom would never do that.

What did you do last night? It was a typical night for me. I’ve shared my nightly routine many times in surveys. I didn’t get any sleep, though. :/ I had a Zoom doctor appointment at 8AM and I knew I’d probably just stay up until then, which I did, but I wasn’t able to go to sleep right after either. It’s now almost 1030. I’ll end up crashing at some point and then be super groggy. Sigh.

Did you have a good night? ^^^

When was the last time you had eggnog? It’s been years.

Last time you laughed your head off? It’s been a good while since I’ve laughed that hard.

Do you know the full name of the last person who texted you? Yes.

Has there been a day this week you just wanted to say “fuck it”? Yeah.

What’s something you really want right now? I would like to get some sleep.

When is the last time someone of the opposite sex gave you a hug? It’s been awhile.

Anything upset you today? My doctor appointment well, so that was nice. I was nervous about talking to her about something, but it ended up not being a big deal. The no sleep thing sucks, though. Anything you are looking forward to? My brother is brining me a Starbucks later when he gets off work and then we’re going to watch the new episode of Wandavision.

Date anyone this summer? I’ll be single.

If someone was to ask you if you were okay right now, are you? In this exact moment I’m tired.

What’s one thing you actually remember about kindergarten? Doing arts and crafts.

The last person you held hands with go to your school? We went to the same college at the time.

What person of the opposite sex makes you laugh most? My younger brother.

Have you ever been caught sneaking out? I’ve never done that.

Did anything bad happen to you in August? We’re only in February. Hopefully nothing will...

Do you have any medication you have to take every day? Yes.

How late did you stay up last night and why? Like I said, I didn’t go to sleep.

This time last year, can you remember who you liked? I didn’t like anyone last year.

Do you plan on sleeping in tomorrow? Yesss.

What were you doing at 12 AM last night? Watching YouTube videos and doing surveys.

Was yesterday terrible? No.

If you have a girlfriend/boyfriend, how long have you been together? --

Did you wake up before 8 AM this morning? How many times do we have to go over this?

How many people have you had feelings for in 2013? I only had feelings for Joseph then.

Would you rather sleep for 3 days or stay awake for 3 days? Sleeeeep.

Who will you be sleeping with tonight? Myself, as always. You’re quite interested in my sleeping patterns and whatnot.

Last person to make you laugh? My mom.

When will your next kiss be? I have no idea.

Do you have anything that belongs to a partner or an ex partner? Nope.

What would you say if someone told you they were in love with your sister? They have me confused with someone else cause I don’t have a sister.

Who was the last person of the opposite sex to be in your bedroom? My brother. Do you like somebody? Nope. What size are the pants you’re wearing? These leggings are a size small. What’s this month’s picture of on your calendar? I don’t have a calendar for this year. Were you a fan of Michael Jackson before he died? I liked a few of his songs. Turkey or ham for Thanksgiving? We always do turkey for Thanksgiving and ham for Christmas. Do you celebrate Black Friday? It’s not a thing to celebrate, but yeah I participate in it online. I don’t go out to the stores and deal with the crazy crowds and wait around in line for hours. I do my shopping from the comfort of my home. What level are you on Farmville? I never got into that. What are you looking forward to in the next year? I’d like to be able to travel somewhere, but I don’t see that happening for a long time. :( What song are you listening to right now? I’m not listening to music, I’m listening to ASMR. What time do you usually get out of bed? Generally between like 3 and 5PM. Today was one of the rare days I was out of bed early in the morning because of my doctor appointment and then I ate something. Do you use a lot of emoticons? Not really. What are you really good at? I don’t think I’m good at anything. :/ Do you look good in hats? I don’t think I look good in anything, but I like wearing hats. Would you ever climb a mountain? No.  Are you good at Jeopardy? I’d be horrible on that show. Where were you born? Somewhere in California. What’s your lowest grade & in what class? I’m done with school. Have you ever been bitten by an animal? Nope. What time is it? 10:35AM. Is your backpack really heavy? -- Did you pass your driver’s test? I haven’t taken it. What was the last thing you Googled? I looked up a definition. Can you spot constellations in the night sky? No.  What’s your favorite number? 8. What are a couple things on your Christmas list? I’m not even thinking about that, yet.  When was the last time you got your hair cut? Last February. Do you watch anime/manga? Nope. Do you like jacket pockets with zippers on them? Sure. Colons or equal signs for your smiley face’s eyes? Colons.

[etraytin]

Quarantine, Day 186-187

September 13-14 It's been a couple of difficult days and I'm pretty tired, so who knows how long I will type tonight. It's funny, sometimes I start to journal and really get on a cathartic roll that makes me feel better, while other times I just pound out enough to let me feel I have done my job in chronicling my life for another day. And it's really hard to tell ahead of time which is going to be which.

Sunday was supposed to be the day when we finished the kiddo's room, but he got very little done even with my help. He melted down a couple of times throughout the day while I was trying to get him to do even a little work on his room, and then again at bedtime when he decided that he hated everything about the new bed and it was terrible. He wound up sleeping on the couch, which made my life more complicated because he did not want any noise or lights when he was sleeping on the couch. At least he did eventually go to sleep, I guess. I ended up snapping at him once when he didn't deserve it and had to apologize, and had to word my apology very carefully inside my head so it didn't come out sounding like "I'm sorry I'm at the end of my rope because you drove me crazy today" because that would be a pretty shitty apology. I think I said something about it being a long day and I was tired but I should not have snapped at him. We were okay then but I was frustrated at myself and the world in general. 

Husband has been having some health issues lately as well, old problems acting up in new ways, worrying both of us and making it hard for him to get peaceful rest. He's seen a couple of doctors but they haven't been particularly responsive so far. My biggest line item for tomorrow is going to be goosing the doctor's office for the referral he needs, just so he can stop worrying! We could all use a few less worries. 

Today we had the kiddo's annual checkup with the doctor, which we started prepping for on Friday. Last year's checkup was a DISASTER because I did not know there was going to be a blood test involved and the kiddo is not on board with needles any time for any reason. Today was better because he got over being upset on Friday and we spent the weekend building up the idea that it was going to be okay. Yesterday we spent some time finding funny Avatar: the Last Airbender meme compilations on YouTube so he would have something distracting to watch on my phone, and discussing how when it comes down to it, kitten claws are probably more painful than a flu shot, which he was also due for today. 

Anyway, the needles today went all right, he did a very good job considering his level of needle anxiety. Anxiety was sort of the theme of the day actually; talking with the doctor about how he's been feeling and what's been going on, and how sometimes it seems so hard just to keep the kiddo on an even keel. The doctor, who is an excellent doctor and takes a lot of time during the annual checkup especially, said that he's heard a whole lot of this going around, and the pandemic has been incredibly hard on kids this year. We talked about everything we're already doing and some new things to try, and we're going to go back in a month. The visit was exhausting, but good I think. We celebrated with a trip to McDonalds, the kiddo's favorite treat. 

Since by the time the appointment was over it was too late for class anyway, we headed straight down to the IKEA in Norfolk to do some room stuff shopping. Kiddo was in a much more rational mood about the new bed today when he wasn't so tired, and I sweetened the deal by helping him pick out some stuff for it. He got sheets for the bed, along with an incredibly fluffy faux-fur pillow that he adores and a string of little lights for the bedrail. We also talked about how we can make the ladder rungs more padded and less ouchy, as well as the possibility of doing what I always did with my loft bed and use other pieces of furniture (chair, dresser) as a step up ladder. Unfortunately, IKEA currently seems to be sold out of basically every kind of large dresser. We were hoping for a six-drawer MALM, but they were out of every color. Five drawer MALMs were gone too, as well as the similarly sized HEMES. They said they've been having a lot of problems with their supplier, and that they hoped to get some in at the end of next week. The tags we looked at on the floor said they were planning on being restocked September 13, which is yesterday, so I'm not super optimistic. Still, if we don't find something this week, I'll probably go back down there. 

Despite this frustration, we were able to successfully get the office chair we badly needed, as well as a large assortment of odds and ends including Lilleplutt III. Lilleplutt is the name of Ikea's small-medium stuffed cat, an ideal fake mama for lonely kittens. Lilleplutt I did yeoman's work with Latte, one of my singleton fosters last year, while Lilleplutt II went into service with a tiny fuzzy feral baby we picked up in the street a couple months ago. Lilleplutt III will likely end up in a similar occupation, though in the meantime she will keep the kiddo company as part of his stuffed toy coterie. The IKEA restaurant was closed, bummer, but I at least took home some lingonberry jam. 

After IKEA we ran across town and did the mystery shop that subsidized the gas for the trip to Norfolk. The kiddo is an old pro at mystery shopping now and is a little bit hilarious when he tries extra hard to be Friendly Local Child. He ended up getting most of our shared milkshake and was happy. There was surprisingly little traffic on the trip home, but after such a long day and a bunch of driving and shopping, I was very stressed out. Especially when Husband called and I realized that 24 cups of water had not been enough for the beans I was trying to slow simmer all day and they were ruined. Ugh, very disappointing! 

But he had Taco Bell for dinner and the kiddo and I were full from shopping, so it was generally not terrible. We put the kiddo's new mattress up on the bed (it arrived in the mail yesterday but needed 24 hours to recover from its travels) and made it up with the new sheets. I put his fan on the old dresser to put it high enough to reach the bed, and we discovered that with the low-slung purpose-bought mattress, not only was there more room to move around, but he can sit on the bed with a couple inches of clearance to the ceiling and has basically no risk of rolling over the bedframe and off the bed. He actually went to sleep in his bed tonight, hurrah! 

I guess this is one of the nights where talking things through was helpful. There's a lot going on and it makes sense to be stressed out, no matter what my brain tries to tell me about being lazy and not doing enough stuff. I'm going to try and take the advice I keep giving the kiddo and get some sleep. Tomorrow is another busy day and I think we'll all need it. 

[janeyseymour]

Escape- pt 8

pt 1. pt 2. pt 3. pt 4. pt 5. pt 6. pt 7. 

Jane Seymour has stayed with Henry long enough. Cue Catherine of Aragon and the rest of the girls to save her.

Jane finds herself in a situation that is going to affect the whole household.

A month later, Henry was still nowhere to be found. Everywhere he went, he was unrecognized. The case still hadn’t made it out of the state, so anywhere he traveled out of state was safe for him. At this point, Henry had lived out of several motels and hadn’t been caught or suspected in any way. One day though, he was watching the news and saw his face appear on the television.

“Mr. Henry Tudor is now on the loose after chasing his ex-fiancee from her hometown. Miss Jane Seymour is at an unannounced residence for protection. If you have any information on this-” Henry’s fist collided with the screen and shattered it. “Fucking bitch!” He shrieked in anger and pain.

“Thomas, determined to find Jane and save her, had begun searching for her on his own. After she so abruptly hung up on him, he had to make sure she was okay. It hadn’t crossed his mind that it seemed suspicious that he was asking her where she was, considering he was best friends with the man she was running from.

“Yeah, Henry really fucked this up big time. She’s finally going to be mine,” he laughed to himself spitefully.

Meanwhile, Jane and Catherine fell into a routine with the other women. Everyday, Jane would wake up at seven and make breakfast despite the other’s protests.

“Jane, you really don’t have to wake up to make us all breakfast before work.”

“I’m always up this early anyway,” she would insist. “And I like cooking. It’s really no trouble.” The other women knew it was Jane’s way of contributing since she couldn’t exactly get a job considering she was in hiding.

On this day, Jane was awake at seven, as per usual, but a sudden wave of nausea hit her. She swallowed it and made her way down to the kitchen. The pungent smell of the eggs she was cooking was becoming too much for her. Gagging, she ran to the bathroom, pounding on Cathy’s door in the process.

“Eggs on burner,” she choked out before running into the bathroom and barely making it to the toilet before emptying the contents in her stomach.

“Catherine?” Cathy knocked on the bedroom door that the two women shared.

“Hmm?” She sighed sleepily.

“Jane’s puking in the bathroom. Do you want to handle that or the eggs she was cooking?” Catherine bolted out of bed and ran to the bathroom faster than her cousin had ever seen her move.

“Jane?” She pushed the door open. “Are you okay?” She sat down next to the blonde and rubbed her back soothingly.

“Mhmm,” Jane moaned. “Just a little sick is all. Why don’t you start getting ready for work? I’ll be out by the time you need in.”

“That’s definitely not what I was worried about,” Catherine snorted. “Seriously, if you need someone to look after you, I can call out.”

“Whoever is in the bathroom, I need to get in there! Hurry up!” Anne’s shrill voice could be heard on the other side of the door.

“Not now Anne,” Catherine huffed.

“We’ll be out in a few minutes,” Jane called weakly.

“You two are in there together? Is it sexy ti-”

“Now is not the time Anne.”

“Are you two okay?” Kat’s voice was small and timid, but the amount of care that was conveyed was what mattered.

“She’s just a little sick is all.”

“I can go and get some crackers and ginger ale if you want them Jane?”

“That would be really nice Kat. Thank you honey.”

“Are you going to be okay if I go to work today?”

“I’m sure I’ll be just fine Lina. Go get ready for work.”

Catherine sighed, “If you’re sure.” As she passed Kat in the hallway, the two briefly conversed.

“Are you-”

“I’m off of work every Friday Cath. I’ll make sure she’s okay.”

“Thank you Kat. I appreciate it.”

“Anything for Jane.” The pink haired woman knocked on the bathroom door and poured a cup of mouthwash.

“Here. You might want this.” She handed the cup to the blonde who took it gratefully.

“If you have things you need to do Kat, I’ll be alright by myself. Henry never really took care of me when I was sick.”

“I have off work every Friday. I can make sure you’re taken care of. Well, if you want.”

“I don’t think I’d mind the company.” The two settled on the couch, and Jane quickly drifted back to sleep.

Hours later, Jane was still asleep.

“Hey I’m on my lunch break. Thought I’d stop by and see how Seymour’s doing.” Anna plopped herself on the couch next to the pink and blonde haired women.

“Dude, other than when her head’s in the toilet, she’s been dead asleep.”

Anna felt Jane’s forehead. “She’s not running a fever or anything. I wouldn’t be surprised if she’s pregnant. No fever, she’s been exhausted for a while now, add throwing up to the mix.” Kat looked at her in confusion. “Morning sickness?” Anna tried.

“Oh. Maybe.” Kat mulled over the possibility. Jane shot up quickly and bolted to the bathroom. Katherine followed behind quickly and held the blonde hair up to avoid getting vomit in her hair.

Sunday came around when something occurred to Jane. She was a week late.

“Catalina? I’m going to the store. Do you need anything?”

“I’ll just go with you,” the older woman yelled as she grabbed their coats. Helping Jane into her jacket, she questioned what her friend needed. Jane avoided the question and opened the door.

“Shit!” Jane cried. “What the hell?”

“Jane?” Catherine called from outside the bathroom stall at the grocery store. “Are you okay?”

“Just shut up!” the blonde screamed. “Just go! I’ll find my way home!” She stared at the three sticks in her hand, a plus sign on all of them. She pushed open the stall door and went straight past her friend. “I’m pregnant,” she huffed, already out of the bathroom. Catherine was shocked. She didn’t make a move.

“Get it together woman,” she sighed, shaking her head and chasing after Jane, who chose to ignore her. The two had reached their newly shared car when she finally spoke.

“Jane, what are you talking about? You’re pregnant?”

“Yes,” she shot daggers at her friend with her eyes. “Now let me in the car before I decide to walk home by myself.” Catherine quickly unlocked the car door.

The newly pregnant woman called the local doctor’s office and was able to make an appointment tomorrow for a blood test. She called her mother.

“Mom, I took three tests. I’m pregnant... Well I’m pretty sure three tests aren’t all going to come up as false positives! I know Mom, I’m keeping it... Yes, I was able to be squeezed in for an appointment tomorrow.... Okay, I love you too, bye.” She looked down at her hands when she hung up.

“So I’m pregnant.”

“It seems that way,” Catherine muttered, not quite sure what to say.

“Because as usual, I fucked up and-”

“No,” the hispanic tried to assure her. “You didn’t, but we do have to figure out what you’re going to do now.”

“Well I’m really not sure.”

“You said you’re keeping it right?” Jane nodded.

“Well we have that figured out, so it’s a step in the right direction.”

“I guess you’re right. But this makes everything so much harder now. I’ll have to tell Beale eventually too.”

“Just when things were starting to get easier,” Catherine mumbled to herself as she drove out of the parking lot.

“John!” Margaret yelled. “Janey called.”

“Oh yeah?” He made his way to his wife.

“She’s pregnant.” Betty’s eyes filled with tears of sorrow. She had always thought the day her daughter would come home announcing she was pregnant it would be a joyous occasion. That wasn’t the case. Her daughter was impregnated by a monster.

“Shit. It’s Henry’s?”

“Well, yeah. I mean, it can’t be Cath’s if that’s what you’re getting at.” Margaret cracked a smile.

“Hey, you-”

“John!” Margaret stopped him. “Speaking of those two: they never got together. I think after ten years, I won the bet. Pay up.” She simply placed her hand out.

“You always know how to lighten the mood, but just you wait,” he chuckled. “Just you wait.” John took his wife’s hand and kissed it.

The two friends were sitting in their bedroom when Jane broke down.

“Beale said we need to lay low and stay put. How the fuck am I supposed to do this? I’m putting so many people in danger by staying here. Am I doing the right thing? Should I just go back?”

“No way in hell am I letting you go back to that,” Catherine stated firmly.

“Jane, don’t lose your head. You’re staying with us. We’re all here for you.” Anne spoke up from the doorway where the other girls had been standing for quite some time now.

“Are you ready to be here for a baby too?”

“What?”

“I’m pregnant,” Jane said flatly.

“We’re going to love you through it. Dinner’s ready by the way.” Anna spoke up.

“How is this baby supposed to grow up without a father?” Jane began to panic. She hadn’t even thought of that until right then.

“Your baby doesn’t need Henry. It has you,” Cathy tried. “And us,” Kat spoke up.

“All your baby needs is us six. That’s more than enough love than Henry could ever give,” Cathy affirmed before turning on her heel and making her way back to the kitchen quickly. She returned with miraculously balancing six plates of dinner for the group.

All of the girls stayed with Jane and Catherine that night, knowing Jane was going to need all the support she could get that night. Jane fell asleep sandwiched in between Kat, who was becoming more and more like her surrogate daughter despite the fact that she was only a few years older than the pink haired woman, and Catherine, the woman she knew she should’ve ended up with.

[bambirex]

I'm signing off for today because I need to tend to some stuff. I'm really happy that everyone welcomed me back with open arms, it felt really nice to be back 😊

Also, I know I just opened the requests, but I have to warn you, I won't be around tomorrow. I finally have my appointment to the doctor I've been vouching for for weeks, and the clinic is in another city, so I basically have to travel half a day 🙄

Then I'll probably spend the night at my gf's place, so what I'm saying is that I will be slower with filling the requests, stuff that comes in tomorrow will be delayed to friday.

I'm not closing the inbox again, I'm just giving out a little warning so everyone can be prepared 😊

Thanks for understanding, and good Night! ❤️

Bambi