#it's just crazy man

[kennyomegasweave]

Well I guess this is growing up?

I went to finish the last two episodes of a show from early 2023 that I remember not super enjoying, just to start episode 7 and realize that it’s actually really good? But there is a theme song and credits and while those were playing I was sitting on my couch thinking “I have NEVER seen any of this?” So I guess that’s what happens when you watch everything shitfaced at 4AM on a weekly basis.

And, okay, I knew I had a drinking problem. I was aware of it. I knew it was a huge elephant in the room that everyone just didn’t talk about. I knew it was killing me (I’ve had the results for years of what it was doing to my heart to show for it!). I've even been arrested due to things I’ve done while drunk. But I didn’t care because I first tired to kill myself at 12, then again at 18, and by my third attempt at 19, I figured staying drunk all the time couldn’t be an issue since I was clearly fucked up already. I actually convinced myself that being drunk was keeping me alive. Despite the fact that I tried to kill myself 6 more times since I turned 21. Including the last two attempts (September 2022 and April 2024) being while I was extremely drunk. And yet I still convinced myself that I would be dead without drinking. Which is some crack ass addict thought process, I know, because clearly drinking was, at the bare minimum, not helping me stay alive since 8 of my 9 suicide attempts came after I started drinking at 17.

I really was drunk for YEARS. I don’t remember most of the shit I watched, most of the shit I read, most of the shit I listened to, most of the games I went to, most of the concerts I saw, most of the shit I talked with people. I genuinely don’t remember years of my life if I really try to put it together. And that fucking sucks. It’s a really shitty feeling to realize you don’t remember YEARS of your life. It’s even more shitty to realize you didn’t even realize it got that bad.

So after saying all that, May of this year seemed to knock something loose in me. I went down to LA for a BM concert, one I was looking forward to for months, and I got so spectacularly drunk, I was an entire fucking circus the whole show. I ate shit down the stairs at the venue during the first opener–we’re talking a complete shitshow of a fall where my legs were up on the stairs, my face was smashed on the ground (no bruising at all on it though!), and my glasses broke into three pieces. I fell walking to the metro station after the show. I dropped my broken glasses in the crosswalk of Hollywood and Vine and didn’t bother to try to pick them up cause I knew I wouldn’t be able to get up if I bent down to find them. I fell in the metro station before going up the escalator. I fell on the sidewalk after getting out of the metro station. I started a fight with my best friend after I got us off at the wrong station and couldn’t read my phone’s maps due to no glasses and the 18 drinks at the concert (with the added 6 pack I pre-gamed before the show), refused to get in the uber she called after she realized we weren’t walking anywhere near our hotel, and, you guessed it, fell on the sidewalk again. After finally getting in the uber, I proceeded to cry out the window while saying nothing was real anyway (I was having a DPDR episode for a few days at that point, so obviously getting drunk in a place I wasn’t familiar with was def a smart choice). I then fell three times in the hotel room: once by the plush chair, once in the bathroom, and once between our beds. All while continuing to drink until passing out around 4AM. On the way home the next day, I had to pull over to sleep in a Bakersfield Wal-Mart parking lot for an hour and a half because my hangover was too bad to keep driving back home.

After that absolute shitshow of a concert trip, I realized being drunk was causing me to embarrass myself in both public and private. It was also actively making me enjoy shit less, and when you have as many diagnosed mental problems as I do, you don’t need help not enjoying shit. So with that realization and having finished my last drink in the hotel in the early AM on May 15th, I made it 100 days sober. Then I got shitfaced on what was supposed to be 101 days because I thought I killed one of my kittens by stepping on him. I went out and bought a shitton of booze around 8PM on August 24th and straight chugged until noon on August 25th. I wanted to punish myself and, highkey, wanted to get fucked up enough to off myself for my failure with the kitten. Obviously, I didn’t off myself and Johnny (the kitten) turned out fine since I didn’t step on him, the little shit just startled himself when I walked near him and got stuck under the door jam, where he started freaking out. But I am happy that happened because, just like the BM concert made me realize how much being drunk was making me embarrass myself, this made me realize that drinking really wasn’t doing anything for me. It didn’t make me happy, it didn’t make me hate myself more than I already did, it didn’t bring me courage to make a bad decision, it didn’t do shit except make me miss the Twenty One Pilots concert I had tickets for later that day (the second time I missed them, might I add, due to being drunk since I missed them in September 2022 due to my hella drunk 8th attempt being three days before their concert).

Which now brings me to 114 days sober tonight. In total, there’s been 352 days of the year so far and I’ve spent a total of 214 days sober. I’ve been drinking for 17 years. I have NEVER not drank for that many days out of a year since I started. This shit is WILD to me.

I can’t say if I’m never gonna drink again, I can’t say “I will never get fucked up again” because I don’t know the future, but I can say that I feel better without drinking. I’m not breaking bones and getting bruises from falling. I’m not in extremely risky and unsafe situations, often while alone. I’m not puking every other day for five straight hours. I’m not getting arrested. I’m not having breakdowns on my instagram stories. I’m not sitting at my kitchen counter crying for four straight hours because I was drinking for five hours when the tears started and was only able to get them to stop after drinking for four more hours.

This year, I’ve had fewer bipolar depression episodes, fewer bipolar hypomania episodes, fewer bipolar mania episodes, and fewer DPDR episodes. I haven’t stayed awake for 50+ hours at all since May. Shockingly, cutting out a fucking drug has improved my mental health. Who knew? Not me, clearly. I still have hella problems, but they’re way more manageable now.

I’m able to sit down and watch a TV show and remember what the fuck happened. I’m able to go to a concert and remember everything happening. I’m able to cry at things again without needing to be shitfaced. I can fucking feel again. I still struggle with a lot of my feelings due to some of my mental conditions, but I AM feeling shit again. It's not all good shit, but the fact that I'm feeling anything at all is fucking wild to me. I never expected I could ever feel like this.

Shit could be a lot better, but shit could be A LOT worse. And as someone who’s lived through a lot of the worse, I’m so good with right now.

[clowns0up-felix]

Sighs and twirls hair …. Jayvik……………. This isn’t fun I am rotting !!!!!

I don’t know man I don’t know I man okay I don’t k now I

I HAVE to stop I am giving myself 1 more arcane post after this and then I have to get back to loz somehow

[corvid-khaos]

fionna and cake but simon drops increasingly wild anecdotes about his life

[renewashere]

it's just like licking your finger to feel the direction of the wind!

(stanley and stanford reaction:)

[starii-void]

going to chb must be crazy like imagine sharing a camp with

-one of the strongest demigods ever who's saved the world like at least 3 times, fought multiple gods & titans and WON (and is a tartarus survivor)

-the literal main architect of OLYMPUS who's also saved the world multiple times (also tartarus survivor)

-THE lord of the wild who's also close friends with the first two (and has helped save the world multiple times)

-an emo kid from the 1930s who again helped save the world and is also a tartarus survivor (TWICE)

-a son of apollo who survived tartarus with nothing but cargo shorts and sheer will (pun intended)

-the main designer and builder for the argo II, also the first hephaestus kid to have fire powers since hundreds of years ago (did i mention killed gaea? no? yeah he did that too)

-a girl who somehow charmspeak-ed gaea into falling back asleep (also side note daughter of super famous actor because why not)

-pretty much everybody is a two-time war veteran

-THE GOD APOLLO who just sometimes comes down to visit in the form of a teenage boy

-did i mention dionysus, god of wine madness and theatre

-also chiron, trainer of pretty much every greek hero ever

[chloesimaginationthings]

FNAF movie Mike fights Moon at the Pizzaplex..

[mildh4nn]

THE KING OF PIRATES

Interested in the full resolution and no glaze? Wanna tip me? Check me Patreonn

Added this as a print to buy if anyone would like to grab one as well

[linktoo-doodles]

i'll strangle you or i'll kiss you on the mouth

[a-scary-lack-of-common-sense]

I think I made some of you guys a little sad with my last post, so you can have some happy aftermath twins before part 2, as a treat ❤️

[ludvigrim]

[kenchann]

hear me out 🍰

[lemonynuggets]

Is it just me

[jerseygirljasontodd]

this is so funny like im cracking tf up... the cocky son of color thinking that he can call his mother by her first name, and getting eyebrow raised into submission? many such cases

[winterswake]

Prince Regent Aemond The Wise 💅💅

[anna-scribbles]

adrien tell ur mom to leave me alone !

[ersatz-colubridae-888]

all evenings close like this