#it's honestly exhausting and i haven't ever been able to be more chill about it

[hoziersong]

i'm embarrassed to say i actually care about academic performance and it affects the way i do things

[kianbe]

𝒈𝒐𝒕 𝒎𝒆 𝒔𝒕𝒂𝒓𝒕𝒆𝒅.

𝒅𝒆𝒕𝒂𝒊𝒍𝒔, walking home from axis labels hq. 𝒕𝒍𝒅𝒓, kian reflects on trainee life with nicky.

he feels like a chick that's just been kicked out of its nest. his wings are weak and inexperienced at flight, but despite the challenges, he's forced to figure everything out during the free-fall. on the way down, he's had to face his fears, and though he's clumsy, he's finally soaring all on his own. lime entertainment has forced him to do some level of growing up, and he's honestly really thankful to them because of that.

back home, his parents sheltered him so much that, most of the time, he wondered if they would ever see him as an adult. his mom tells him that, no matter how old he grows, he'll always be the baby of the family, and while he understands where she comes from, he's never exactly felt trusted by them because of that. hopefully now that he's attempting to be more independent, they'll trust him to take care of himself more, especially since he's genuinely having a great time as a trainee. it isn't easy, but he's still enjoying every second of it.

so far, all of his classes have kept his attention. he's steeped into the world of a rising idol, and though it often leaves him exhausted and feeling rather lonely, there's something magical about being able to focus practically every hour of every day honing his beloved crafts, and art-forms. he feels grateful to receive such support from everyone around him, too.

however, at long last, it's saturday night, and he couldn't be more excited for a full day off tomorrow. he's spent every other sunday putting in extra hours of practice, but he's decided to rest this weekend. so, as he breaks free from the confines of the company, he's not only greeted by the chill of autumn air, but the familiar face of his best friend, ryu nicky. excited, he charges it him and captures him in a bear hug—arms wrapping around his waist in a vice grip.

"nicky!" kian singsongs, loosening his squeeze. "you haven't been standing out here for long, have you?" he'd feel bad if his senior was out here freezing while he was rushing out of axis labels hq. after all, it would be like nicky to show up early to wait for him. he's good like that. "i hope not... but either way, did we ever decide if we were gonna be lazy and order our late dinner in, or if we were gonna cook something instead? i want you to pick! i'm tired of thinking, and i'm really hungry..."

[thewolfisawake]

1. does your muse enjoy watching the stars?

They don't dislike it but they're not super jazzed about it either.

2. does your muse have any long-term, life plans?

Sadly, their own long-term plan has been plotting alongside their father and seeking opportunity for their revenge. Eriskyne has never considered their life outside of this.

3. how does your muse manage strong emotions?

In a sense, they are numb to strong emotions. They've bit down their rage, their sadness, the complexities of themselves to a point they feel...nothing. Not anything strongly. They can't recall feeling anything outside of annoyance, which is honestly more reflecting. It would take them by surprise to have anything strong enough to break their frozen heart. I think it'd overwhelm them and get swept with it.

4. how many blankets does your muse sleep with?

Depends on the season but usually 2-3. There is always one under them and one over them. The third would be put on top if they were still cold.

5. has you muse ever experienced sleep paralysis? 

No, they haven't.

6. what style of music does your muse like the most?

Lo-fi, actually. Or I guess it might not be surprising in some aspects. It's stuff that can play and not distract them. A lot of music is 'too loud' to them. And while they are old enough to know of some classical, they don't necessarily vibe with it? But yeah, Eriskyne is the type to have those beats to study/chill with going on. How they get it working in the Seelie? They regularly pop into the mortal realm for charging what they use. They do hide it from those in the Seelie.

7. what’s the furthest from home your muse has traveled?

Going to the Novian Empire is probably their furthest jaunt from home so far. Honestly can't really go far unless they've been asked to. But they were having fun observing the shenanigans that went on.

8. does your muse have any unusual fears? what are they? 

It isn't to a point of like a phobia but Eriskyne is uncomfortable around non-fae blood. Not that they can't function around it, they just would be likely to step away or not want to touch it unless absolutely necessary.

9. is your muse / would your muse be active on social media?

No and no. They are private to an immense degree. Only reason they have it is probably because they're using it to stalk someone else.

10. does your muse get sick often? what’s their go-to remedies?

Fae don't get sick. However Eriskyne sometimes has to wrestle with the drawbacks for exhaustion. As such they usually turn to Seelie flora that works similar to stimulants that both let them ignore sleep and food. Otherwise, their sofa with the lights off is an alternative.

11. is your muse quick thinking? are they able to focus when stressed?

Yes and no? Like how they process things, I feel, they think for a long time. Information is brought in and they are either picking apart its use or trying to see if there's something more. But technically yes or they probably would have been caught a long time ago. And yes, they can focus under stress.

12. what is your muse’s most helpful coping skill, healthy or unhealthy?

Working. As much as there is the desire for unionization, Eriskyne doesn't know what to do with themselves when there is nothing truly to do. It makes them have to consider...what's there outside of this whole scheme they got going on. They do not like having to consider that.

13. what is the strangest / least comfortable place your muse has slept?

The floor. Didn't make it to the bed or even sofa and boy, did they not like when they woke up.

14. where does your muse’s strength lie? physical strength? mental? emotional?

Eriskyne's strength is within mental fortitude. Despite all their hang ups, they can ultimately get through anything. In that aspect, they're just too stubborn to be held back. Yes, even their not knowing and their relationships...they could work through any of them if they gave themselves a fair shot.

15. if your muse had the option, would they prefer to go to space or explore the ocean?

The utter geek in them would say both because of the possibility with both. But likely the ocean wins out because it's closer and still more mysterious than the expanse of the skies.

16. how skilled is your muse in the kitchen? what is the most complicated dish they know how to make?

Eriskyne is probably one of the few 'gentry' that can cook. The bar is in hell for that but they do come out at least on par with some of the cooks within the palace (as that's where they learned). As for their most complicated dish...huntsman pie. They haven't mastered it but they can do it. Mainly because of a combination of how long it takes to make them and because Eriskyne personally doesn't really like them.

[smosh-fessions]

as an ace spec person, you need to chill lmao. im only peripherally familiar with this Damien situation but that last anon wasn’t aphobic at all. you’re being very parasocial and because you feel like your identity is similar to Damien’s, anyone contradicting that feels like an attack on your own identity to you. but you and Damien are not the same person and it’s doubtful that your identities are the same in the way you think they are. but honestly we cannot fully know someone’s identity who we only know through their online content. something they explain briefly on a live while talking to a chat will never fully capture what they mean in the same way them explaining it in private to close friends can. you need to disconnect because you are being extremely aggressive to people who are just trying to express gentle disagreement. i don’t think you should be the one to lead this blog and i’m going to block you because im tired of your aggression popping up in the smosh tag. i hope someone makes a new smosh confessions blog and i encourage anyone who wants to that’s reading this to bite the bullet and do it because honestly you’re just an exhausting person to be around even just judging from your online persona. and im saying this as a fellow ace spec ND person (im auDHD). you just sound extremely young. once you get to your late 20s you’ll realize it’s really not that serious.

I did not say they were currently being aphobic. I said that it would absolutely be aphobic to try and counter the talk about aromanticism as so many other people have because that is largely what everyone is picking at, and that if you have to preface something with "i'm not (xyz)phobic, but..." what you're about to say is probably going to be bigoted.

you can also absolutely explain your identity to a livestream the same way you would to friends. what does that even mean? i don't describe my orientation differently to different groups of people when i've been asked to explain it. we know his identity as he explained it and people need to stop trying to nitpick what he said and reassign the meaning by trying to brush it off as "no, I think he meant in the confident about your sexuality way" when he explicitly said it was not like that.

i'm also 31, thanks. there is no 'gentle disagreement' when you are talking over someone's own explanation of their orientation. how many times do i need to explain this? you do not get to decide what someone meant and trying to do so is fucking bigoted. getting to my late twenties literally showed me more that it's not okay to decide someone meant the opposite of what they said because you don't like it, which is what everyone picking apart his sexuality in my inbox is doing. you being mad i'm defending those with conflicting labels and telling people to stop trying to dismantle them is truly bizarre.

if you aren't familiar with this situation, how about you familiarize yourself with the weeks of aphobic bullshit i've been sent instead of popping in this far in to throw in your two cents on something you don't have full context for? the way you've put this makes it sound like you showed up on one ask and decided you knew the full story.

my patience is absolutely zero for the people who keep on with denying the aspec aspects of damien's orientation or anyone else's.

I'm again going to point out that the smosh negative tag exists for a reason and i am not the only person who uses it. i am just the person with an entire blog of these asks. lilac and wazu are two people who get negative asks and confessions about smosh all of the time, but because that isn't their main focus of their blog, it comes across as much different. Both of them have gotten shit for having opinions on what they receive as well and I think a lot of you just want to be able to share your opinion and not ever get one in return or have someone try and discuss what you've said. The asks regarding all of this haven't even been put in any smosh tag in weeks. I'm also asking you all to learn the difference between outright aggression and someone speaking plainly, flatly, and without sugarcoating. you disagreeing with me doesn't make me aggressive, either, but a lot of the things i get sent that don't get posted sure are damn aggressive.

the blog before this lasted a week because people were so aggressive, cruel, and controlling to them. sorry i refuse to let the people in my inbox walk all over me.

[strangeanomelly]

I've been ruminating about starting over.

Over the past little while, I've noticed myself slip into the comfort of the big black cloud, and while it has been not helpful, nor comfortable, I have been stewing in the shadows of it. I let it completely take over my life and I know it's probably the worst thing I could have done, I blanketed it with the excuse of winter blues, and isolation "to recharge".

I went out yesterday to run errands and I didn't like the feeling of being away from my comfort zone, from my home. I hated it. I felt lost, numb and shook with anxiety. I took the 3 steps down at the mall and nearly collapsed as my legs felt like they were giving out. I know that I haven't been exercising for the past couple months and I can feel myself having less muscle than I've ever had and it's enough to make me realize that I really do need to go out more or at least move more but that's besides the current point I'm attempting to make. I know that if I had fallen, it probably would have been added to the list of traumas I've experienced (or let myself experience) and it would have been 5 steps back on my road to recovery. I'm already several steps behind, adding more would set me back much further than I anticipated.

There were some highlights though: I managed to snag a book that I've been staring at for months, and for less than $20 (about $15), which is also a bargain for a newly popular book. I went to the food court, got myself some a regular "the works" poutine from New York Fries, and sat down to read alone. My body felt frozen to the chair I was sitting in, but I managed to be in the public for a decent amount of time.

(For those wondering, the book is "Lessons in Chemistry" by Bonnie Garmus.)

So far, a recommended read. I haven't went further than the first couple of chapters, so I can't really formulate a decent opinion, but I will say that it has brought back my thirst for getting into a good book, and that's a definitely positive thing to add to an otherwise anxiety-filled, mentally exhausting day. A silver lining, if you will.

I am not currently cold, yet I have chills running up and down my body while I write this. If anyone has a reasonable explanation for it, I'd love to hear it. I guess for now I'll have to deal with it and push forward because these words need to be released.

So why have I decided to start a new blog-ish journal thing?

Well..

A few weeks ago, I spoke to a friend of mine after a particularly nasty spout of splitting, that writing in a journal would probably be more productive than spilling my guts out to another person. Especially if those thoughts are fleeting and sometimes irrational. I couldn't fathom the possibility of actually writing in a journal at the time, and when I did, I thought that it might be easier to pretend that my entries were towards another person, like a "dear, so and so". I figured that it might be easier to communicate my thoughts this way. The only difference would be that it would be aimed at them, but not necessarily for them. This way, I'd be able to communicate as effectively as I can, without the chance of changing the nature of the relationship I have with said person, or making it too personal towards them. I wanted to avoid just constantly spilling my problems to this person or cause me to lose yet another friendship I've come to enjoy having in my life. I want to be able to live my life honestly and open-minded, but I also don't want to exhaust people with my mental illness.

So, I finally pushed myself to start a blog. Or a journal. Or... something. I don't know what this is going to be yet, but I do know that I'll push myself to be honest at least, and strive for consistency.

I'm hoping that it will aid in my recovery. Or at the very least, improve my moods enough to be able to feel a slight bit of normalcy.

Or, aid in the processing of my emotions and thoughts and be a burden to the anonymous side of the internet, other than the people in my life that I would like to keep. Even the most loyal of people get tired of the BS.

So this it it. A hope that I can resonate with the random people of the internet, while also dumping out the random thoughts in my brain to hopefully make room for more positive thoughts, uplifting thoughts, or at least more productive thoughts that as a result, make me a better friend, or better person as a whole.

Wish me luck!

[frogsandfries]

It only took me actually all freaking day

But I finally got merely most of this body of work organized across several documents.

Thousands. And. Thousands.

No. Literally. Thousands. Of (okay, admittedly horribly formatted) pages. Just for this one collection of work. Whhhyyyyyyyyyyyy

I somehow missed a chunk? Deleted it? I'm not really positive. So I do have to go back through and locate those items.

Anyway, so I get to have tomorrow off, and luckily my boss stopped in and reminded me that my schedule change came through or I would've missed work Sunday. They changed my schedule finally; it's fine. It'll honestly be nice to have Mondays and Tuesdays off. It can be hard to get shit done when I'm on the phones 9-5 M-F. Plus, there's this all-you-can-eat sushi place that I've been dying to give a second chance, and the best day to do that is Tuesday. Oddly enough, yes.

I get to chill out tomorrow, work Sunday, and then have my first Monday and Tuesday off. So......bleh. Could be worse. One time, in another job, long, long ago, on third shift, I had to work something like eight days in a row. That. Was awful. Awful, awful.

I'm absolutely dying of exhaustion. I actually want to go back through the chapters I haven't yet and get the tables of contents set up in each of the documents, just to be absolutely positive that I got everything saved. Blehhhh I should go back through the fics off AO3 and set up their tables of contentses, but.......it's honestly kind of a nightmare and I'd honestly rather save it for a) the really, really long fics, and b) later. Like, absolutely the last minute. Admittedly though, I do not know what I would do without the table of contents for Debt of Time. Probably split each of the books into their own, multiple documents so I don't have to spend ages and ages scrolling and scrolling and scrolling.

I wish I had something to do tomorrow, somewhere to go. I could go to the cafe up the hill. Or the other....is that one a cafe? Meh, I'll probably go to that one the next time I'm over at the post office. Now that I get Mondays and Tuesdays off, I could save the almost hour walk when I finally go over to take my sister's gift to ship, but....where's the fun in that? I could go over that way and check this place out that I think I've walked past several times. I want something more social, though, than just sitting at a cafe and prodding at fanfic.

Ugh, I guess I have enough paper presently to print some more textblocks, which I'll get to the first press and then neglect. Again, even if I bought one book cloth each paycheck, with the number of books that I have to cover at this point, it's going to take a long time to cover each of them, even if I don't do any kind of embroidery or embellishment (I keep thinking about a) 15/0 seed beads and b) that bead place in town). Even longer if the stack keeps growing. Oh, and don't forget that I haven't been able to squeeze more cover boards out of my budget, so there's a bit of a bottleneck there too.

What's the real hurry though? It's not like I have a bookshelf--still, yet.

But hey, I could and should be kinder to myself. I'm finally getting a vacuum, and also, I rather need my vices. Mine are not the most dangerous vices that were ever had by a socially isolated human. Also, I should finally be able to devote the necessary energy to trimming and punching the other half of my fic catalogue; that'll be......fun? Pleasant to fill up. I'm still struggling to think up an expandable enough spine. Maybe I should just not even worry about it and set up either a basic long-stitch or criss-cross spine. Well, actually, the long-stitch style spine might be a bit of a......poor match for what I have going on with the stab-type spine. An adapted criss-cross type spine could be good. If I break the initial volume into two parts and use two or three spines per volume, initially, that should give plenty of breathing room.

Honestly, now that I'm elbows deep into this random ramble, my mind keeps returning to a criss-cross binding as really the best option for a sturdy, expandable spine. Think about it: You could undo the spine, and either replace it, weave in another, or attach another spine and/or cover on the 'outside'. All you need is for the threads to pass through the signatures in some fashion.

Although, even a long-stitch isn't necessarily a bad idea. You'd have to set it up a little more like a travel journal, and even the only thing wrong with something like a travel journal is the poor way elastic ages. If it weren't for the matter of covering them, I think I'd be leaning more toward just weaving the booklets together by their spine stitching.

Maybe a softer, wrap-around style cover, to make up for any expansion? Maybe I'm too worried about expansion that I know will happen. I'm not just going to be like "well, section 'b' is full up; no more fics with titles that start with 'b'".

[dbontheat]

Why I Haven't Blogged in Months

Hi lovely people.

It’s September 13, a week and a day after I summited Mount Katahdin and completed my 2017 Appalachian Trail thru-hike. I did it!!! I’ve been humbled by the amount and sincerity of congratulations I’ve received from friends, family, friends of family, and complete strangers. It’s incredibly cool to know that my journey has been watched by many and opened some people up to the world of backpacking. Thank you for following.

You probably noticed that I didn’t post a real blog post in weeks (months?), and I still haven’t finished posting photos. You can read this post as a list of excuses for my laziness, but hopefully you’ll see it as a real glimpse into a long-distance hiker’s mind after months on the trail.

So why haven’t I blogged in ages?

Actually, I have. I’ve drafted so many blog posts—in my mind while hiking, on my phone, and on the Dartmouth campus computers when zeroing in Hanover, NH. I’ve started so many but haven’t finished them because of a little thing I call trail schizophrenia.

Another more experienced hiker with a medical/psych background has probably already named this feeling more accurately, but this is my completely non-scientific name and definition. Trail schizophrenia is when you’re having the best day ever on trail—you’re literally euphoric and don’t want to change a thing—and all of a sudden that flips on a dime and you’re having the worst day ever and can’t shake the gloom—or vice-versa. The flip can happen because of a shitty event, shitty weather, or literally nothing at all.

Here’s an example: While in New York, a fellow thru-hiker planned a huge trail magic event. His parents hosted probably two dozen hikers at their house, grilled out, had coolers full of beer, and provided a place to escape a day of rain. When I got back to the trail the next day, I was high on trail magic. But my heart sank when I realized I couldn’t find my water filter. If you’ve read my other blog posts, you know I already have a bad record with water filters. A hiking buddy said I could use his until I found or replaced mine, but my mood was entirely shot. I was hiking through one of the most beautiful state parks on the whole trail, but I wasn’t able to enjoy it. I beat myself up, deciding then and there I wouldn’t let myself go into New York City on a side-trip because I would have to instead spend money on a new filter. Every hiker got a text to check through their stuff in case they picked up an extra filter. No luck. Twice I stopped in the middle of the trail and emptied my entire pack and every drybag, looking for the filter. No luck. I was in the dumps and there was no dragging me back out. In one last-ditch effort, I texted another trail buddy to check the spot where our friend’s dad picked us up the day before. Maybe it had fallen out of my pack and would miraculously still be there. I continued to sulk through Harriman State Park a la Charlie Brown/George Michael Bluth until *ding,* my friend texted me back with the best news: he had found the filter. Immediately my day turned around, I could see the sunlight hitting the trees around me more vividly, and my sullen thoughts turned to daydreams about a trip to the city.

I tried explaining trail schizophrenia to a very nice gentleman that gave me a hitch one day, and his response was, "Yeah, that's how life is off the trail, too." I politely agreed but I should have spoken up because that's just not true. Off the trail, you have other things to distract you from feeling one way or the other and you have other people to talk to you about your feelings. On trail, you're alone with your thoughts most of the time.

When trail schizophrenia hits, the blog post you’re writing in your head immediately becomes irrelevant. What you want to say at mile 1,610 can easily make absolutely no sense at all at mile 1,611. Thus, a graveyard of irrelevant, never-to-be-published blog posts.

On top of that, believe it or not, hiking nearly every day for six months is exhausting. Typing a blog post with only your thumbs on a small iPhone at the end of the day is almost too difficult a task to even fathom. Even when you have access to a computer, like in Hanover, blogging is one of the last ways you want to spend your precious downtime. That’s coming from someone who genuinely enjoys writing for fun.

Photos won’t do my thru-hike justice. It won’t show you exactly what I saw from on top of that mountain, or how I felt when I rounded the bend and saw that can of soda chilling in the river, or how absolutely perfect the sun felt on my skin at that moment. Honestly, I doubt any blog post will, either, regardless of how carefully I choose my words. But I’m going to try to revive some of those half-written blog posts from the graveyard, put my post-trail reflections into words, and finish posting photos from my thru-hike so I have this site as a reminder of my time on the trail.