strangeanomelly

[strangeanomelly]

Protecting my peace..

Since my last post, a lot of things have happened. I thought I was going to create this blog to escape into an internet paradise where I was free to express myself without fear of judgement, and where I could empty myself until I had nothing else to scream into the void about.

However, lately... everything has been the opposite.

After a little over a week since he left, I have to say that I feel just as relieved as I did the day I woke up alone.

I don't feel like I owe anyone an explanation - I don't know if I would even try to explain it to anyone in town. No one around me would actually ask me why I would tell him to go. I have been telling him to leave me for years. My reasons have always been valid. I don't feel bad, I don't feel like my whole world is ending. I feel like I can breathe again.

I know I've said this many many times, but I never want to feel the way I had felt for so long again.

I don't know what the future holds, but I want to keep this peace for as long as humanly possible and live life with my babies as long as I can.

That's it for tonight.

[strangeanomelly]

gentle reminder 💌💕

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[strangeanomelly]

I've been ruminating about starting over.

Over the past little while, I've noticed myself slip into the comfort of the big black cloud, and while it has been not helpful, nor comfortable, I have been stewing in the shadows of it. I let it completely take over my life and I know it's probably the worst thing I could have done, I blanketed it with the excuse of winter blues, and isolation "to recharge".

I went out yesterday to run errands and I didn't like the feeling of being away from my comfort zone, from my home. I hated it. I felt lost, numb and shook with anxiety. I took the 3 steps down at the mall and nearly collapsed as my legs felt like they were giving out. I know that I haven't been exercising for the past couple months and I can feel myself having less muscle than I've ever had and it's enough to make me realize that I really do need to go out more or at least move more but that's besides the current point I'm attempting to make. I know that if I had fallen, it probably would have been added to the list of traumas I've experienced (or let myself experience) and it would have been 5 steps back on my road to recovery. I'm already several steps behind, adding more would set me back much further than I anticipated.

There were some highlights though: I managed to snag a book that I've been staring at for months, and for less than $20 (about $15), which is also a bargain for a newly popular book. I went to the food court, got myself some a regular "the works" poutine from New York Fries, and sat down to read alone. My body felt frozen to the chair I was sitting in, but I managed to be in the public for a decent amount of time.

(For those wondering, the book is "Lessons in Chemistry" by Bonnie Garmus.)

So far, a recommended read. I haven't went further than the first couple of chapters, so I can't really formulate a decent opinion, but I will say that it has brought back my thirst for getting into a good book, and that's a definitely positive thing to add to an otherwise anxiety-filled, mentally exhausting day. A silver lining, if you will.

I am not currently cold, yet I have chills running up and down my body while I write this. If anyone has a reasonable explanation for it, I'd love to hear it. I guess for now I'll have to deal with it and push forward because these words need to be released.

So why have I decided to start a new blog-ish journal thing?

Well..

A few weeks ago, I spoke to a friend of mine after a particularly nasty spout of splitting, that writing in a journal would probably be more productive than spilling my guts out to another person. Especially if those thoughts are fleeting and sometimes irrational. I couldn't fathom the possibility of actually writing in a journal at the time, and when I did, I thought that it might be easier to pretend that my entries were towards another person, like a "dear, so and so". I figured that it might be easier to communicate my thoughts this way. The only difference would be that it would be aimed at them, but not necessarily for them. This way, I'd be able to communicate as effectively as I can, without the chance of changing the nature of the relationship I have with said person, or making it too personal towards them. I wanted to avoid just constantly spilling my problems to this person or cause me to lose yet another friendship I've come to enjoy having in my life. I want to be able to live my life honestly and open-minded, but I also don't want to exhaust people with my mental illness.

So, I finally pushed myself to start a blog. Or a journal. Or... something. I don't know what this is going to be yet, but I do know that I'll push myself to be honest at least, and strive for consistency.

I'm hoping that it will aid in my recovery. Or at the very least, improve my moods enough to be able to feel a slight bit of normalcy.

Or, aid in the processing of my emotions and thoughts and be a burden to the anonymous side of the internet, other than the people in my life that I would like to keep. Even the most loyal of people get tired of the BS.

So this it it. A hope that I can resonate with the random people of the internet, while also dumping out the random thoughts in my brain to hopefully make room for more positive thoughts, uplifting thoughts, or at least more productive thoughts that as a result, make me a better friend, or better person as a whole.

Wish me luck!