strangeanomelly

[strangeanomelly]

How cute is this Loungefly backpack? I've been seeing all kinds of Loungefly backpacks and I've always contemplated getting one of them (or 5!) but never found the one that resonated the most with me.. now I have.. There's two other book related ones available for pre-order as well.. I'm thinking maybe this time I should get one. What do you think?

For reference, I'm talking about the bookstore one. The two others are fantastic too, and must be included but I'm really focused on the bookstore one.

[strangeanomelly]

What's your opinion?

Below all these words you'll see a post that I happened to see while I was browsing Facebook, as one does when one gets a chance to. It happened to be in one of the many "mom groups" that I have joined and been a part of over the years. I decided to address it in a post because I welcome the discussion.

I realize that the topic of child support has always been somewhat of a controversial topic because there are so many factors to consider, not to mention determining the amount payable based on income and circumstances. Below you will find some of my own personal opinions. I'm sure I strayed from the topic at hand. I'm also sure there will be some who do not agree with my view, and I am willing to see things from other perspectives. I understand that these opinions of mine might contain my own judgements but they are broad examples, not attacking anyone personally (I hope). I am open to seeing/hearing other's opinions.

Here's mine:

YES - It's quite obvious that it's aimed at those who percieve that mothers don't use the child support to support the child. I know it's a petty jab from those who are similar in parenting as those examples portrayed through "JayDee Milo" videos on social media and I'm sure you know the ones I'm referring to - parents who thrive on attention over not seeing their children but when given all the opportunity in the world and choosing to slander the other parent instead of at the very least a presence in their child's life, much less providing for their needs.

NO - I will never see it as regarding those many situations involving parental alienation because those parents deserve awareness and support!!

YES - Parents are allowed to spend a little money on themselves. Self-care is important for EVERYONE, including parents. If the child is provided for, all needs are met, they are fed, clothed, bathed, and housed with toys and love and care and attention.. there's no reason that the parent who has provided all of those things use some funds for themselves. I personally know that I choose to do a couple things for myself every once in a while (some would argue that it's basic hygiene care and necessities) but sometimes it's also hobbies, like reading and gaming and writing and movies - it makes me feel human. Sometimes it's nice to remind myself that I'm more than just someone's mother and that I am deserving of a break like everyone else in the world. Parenting is hard work.

NO - I am not referring to those who put their needs first above their own children. I cannot speak for those who do, I don't believe I want to be in those shoes. I will never want to be in those shoes. I made a decision to be a parent and provide for my children when I chose to have them. I will not advocate for those who choose to consistently put their needs above the needs of the children they brought into this world.

YES - I can easily put myself in the shoes of the parent that chooses to use the child support for herself, for self care and self preservation and just to feel like a PERSON instead of just MOM, just as easily as being in the shoes of the parent that chooses to use it for strictly something child-related too. I can also put myself in the shoes of the parent that has no child support because the other parent chooses to provide whenever possible, and in the shoes of the parent that carries the duties of parenting alone, while the other parent chooses to forgo the responsibility of being involved with their child at all - including basic involvement like consistent visitation and time spent, let alone child support.

HONESTLY - As we can probably already tell, I believe that child support is more than just money you can get as the "primary parent". Although, if I had a card where the father of my children has access to see what the money is being spent on, I'd be absolutely okay with it. I have nothing to hide when it comes to my finances and how I choose to financially provide for my children. I am grateful to have the father of my children trust in my abilities as a parent enough to know that regardless of what the card transactions say, it goes towards the support of the children for groceries, activities, clothing, little treats for them, etc.

YES - I do believe that household bills count as part of the care of the children. You're not the only one that uses the TV, internet, phone, streaming services, and more. They do too. It's part of their lives, and their environment, which also makes it part of their raising. I absolutely would use the financial support to assist in paying bills, too. Like I said before, all my money goes towards my children anyway, no matter how it's recieved, it's all used with the same purpose.

AGAIN - Parenting is HARD WORK. Parents should be working together to support the children - and you do not have to be in a relationship to be able to do that. As the saying goes, it takes a village to raise a child. My village is full of people who help support my children in many different ways. My village is my family - by blood or by heart - most who are parents themselves. You have the power to choose your own village. I trust that regardless of the villages we have made/chosen for our lives, we're all working together to raise good human beings who may one day influence others or even change the world someday.

No parent wants to live in burn out land: no patience, no resilience, no happiness, just endless days of working, stressed out and overwhelmed with life. This is why I chose to give myself a little break and added in some self-care (which is sometimes just basic hygiene and maintenance) and it's made a world of a difference. It's amazing what small moments can do to improve the quality of your life. I'm a patient parent, a happy parent, a smiling parent, a fun parent.

I am wholeheartedly admitting that I need support when I'm feeling accepting that some days, I feel less than human, less than happy, and less than in general. It helps to be supported even when we're struggling. Lessens the "mom guilt/shame" for doing something for ourselves once in a while. should also include supporting the parent that parents the child.

Hating on the parent that raises your child only hurts the child.

In Conclusion: Put the child support on the card or don't. Monitor how it's spent, or don't. Focusing and fussing over how child support is used matters little when your kids needs are being met.

[strangeanomelly]

To write, or not to write?

I’ve spent the better part of my life being told that I should pursue writing because I have a talent for it.

Better part of my life? Who dictates what the better part is? How do I know which part of my life is considered the better part? Do I get to be the judge of that? Are we judged on it? Can we opt out of the judgement?

How about this: For many years, especially growing up, I’ve been told that I have a talent for writing and that I should pursue it as “a career or something”. I was always praised for my poems, my short stories, my essays, everything that surrounded creative writing. You’d think I would have been pleased to hear this, if only I didn’t find it so debilitating now.

I’m sure they meant well, and that they were attempting to encourage me to have a plan for my adulthood, but the only thing it did was make me hyper aware that if I didn’t pursue it, I was no longer going to be considered a successful person.

I know what you’re thinking: “how could one little encouraging comment possibly change whether or not you’re considered successful in their eyes?”

Well, anonymous reader, keep reading and I’ll tell you.

While I had some talent, I didn’t realize it was going to have an expiry date. I also didn’t know that once that little spark of talent for writing that I had dimmed, so would my quality of life and value to this person.

I was told that after high school, college would be easier because I could use the money to get into a program that I liked and was good at. The problem was that I chose a program that I enjoyed and found interesting and meaningful to me and my life. I didn’t choose to pursue a diploma in creative writing, so what I thought was financial aid was ripped from me. I got OSAP instead and went to college without them and without their help, and once I graduated, they were all too happy to celebrate my graduation. When I asked about the money, again I was met with “well you didn’t go into the program I wanted you to go in, so you don’t get it”. I didn’t realize that by choosing something I knew I’d be good at and that I loved that I would be treated that way for not choosing a program that I didn’t like anymore because I didn’t have that talent that they thought I did.

See, the truth is, I’m not that great of a writer. You can see it in my blog posts. Basically, this has always been a way for me to express myself, but it’s never been all that particularly useful in ways that could potentially get me published. It’s been a way for me to convey my thoughts in a manner that made the most sense to me. The problem was that people always saw me writing in notebooks, in journals, on the computer, etc., but what they didn’t see was what I was writing. Those poems, and stories and essays took much longer than they should have, and I was never proud of them because I never liked them and I thought I had to do better to gain approval from everyone, including myself.

I spent a lot of time by myself, and I occupied myself in ways that I thought were productive, but also gave me an outlet to explain how I felt about things. The only ability I managed to keep from all this writing is the ability to prolong posts and sentences, and the ability to make you believe that I’m saying a lot but also saying very little. You see all these words when they could be just as easily replaced with “my aunt said I had a talent for writing but denied me the money I needed for college because I didn’t take creative writing” and call it a day. But no, I’ve stretched it into almost 700 words, and you’ve been reading every single one of them, and I haven’t even really scratched the surface of the point I was originally going to make in the first place.

The point is this: I have had writers block for a very long time. Longer than I care to admit, or even remember. I haven’t been able to write anything decent in a long time. I think it’s because I was pushed into thinking that I had a real talent for it and that I’m still holding onto the need to impress others with this talent, and that if I can’t come up with something genius right away, then I’m not good enough to make it as a writer. Yet, I don’t even want to become a writer. Sure... it’s a pipe dream in the background of my mind that maybe in a different life that could have been my life, but I have long since enjoyed writing about my life and processing my feelings or just writing for the sake of writing and not worrying about whether or not my punctuation is correct, or if I’m writing too many of the same words or phrases, or if I have too many run off sentences. I have no interest in pursuing a career in writing. I have no interest in being judged by people who read my work, when I’m already being judged by others in my personal life about the choices that I made.

I think I’m going to continue to write when I want, how much I want and where I want to, and choose the audience I want it in myself. If I want to spend time typing up useless bullshit to random people on the internet about how I disappointed my family by not doing something that they wanted me to do instead of what I chose to do, I’d be a little more like a cliché than anything, and everyone’s read books about being the family disappointment. So, I’ll stick with blog posts, where anonymous people can comment about my disappointments if they happen to stumble onto my page, and continue making this blog more like my personal journal of anything I want it to be and go from there.

I’m not going to focus on why I didn’t make it as a writer, and instead focus on what other things I can do to make myself happy, and not worry about their happiness or even focus my life on pleasing others. I spent way, way, way too long worried about other people’s happiness over my own and my children’s, and I am choosing to no longer do that. I think my kids and I deserve a little better than that.

Whatever happens, happens. This time, I’ll be the judge of my own life.

[strangeanomelly]

This is true. Do what you want, when you want to do it. It doesn't matter what other people think, or do or say because at the end of the day, they don't live your life. These strangers don't matter and neither do their opinions. Do the things you want. Make the choices you want to make. Just live the life you have.

bitch this is all you’re gonna get. this life, this face, this body. you better not ‘maybe in another universe’ your way out of everything. sit your ass down and face this. go make tea and have a picnic and read a goddamn book. kiss your loved ones, send that damn text, and hug your siblings. this is all you’re gonna get.

[strangeanomelly]

Letting go of 2024..

It's been a minute, I know. Every post on this blog has always been about how it's been a while since I posted something - and I'm always telling myself how I'm not going to be like that again, and I do it anyway. Looks like this one's not going to be any different. We didn't expect anything less now, did we?

2024... It's been a long year. I know it's been a long year because it has felt long. It's been draining, too. My energy, my focus, my time, etc. I spent the better part of the year feeling like I was trapped in my own home, feeling empty, feeling like I was better off not being a part of this world; overall, not feeling the way I should be feeling. The other half of the year I was focused more on getting out of the rut that I was in for longer than I needed to be or even wanted to be. It got me thinking..

I don't want to feel ungrateful for the time I have spent being alive this year - I am grateful to be alive. There's a lot of things that I'm thankful to have, to be, to see, to live..

What I'm most thankful for is the ability to be able to keep going. Every morning that I wake up, I have the ability to shape the day I'm going to have, and live it exactly the way I want to. I admit that I haven't exactly been making the right choices in my life, and therefore, I have to live with the consequences of those choices. I have made resolutions for the new year, but I've also already thought of all the ways I can easily break those resolutions.

So my resolution that I'm hoping that I keep the most is this: I am letting go of 2024. I'm letting go of the feelings, the burdens, the broken boundaries and I am forgiving myself, my past and choosing to move forward.

I'm letting go off all the feelings that stopped me from living. I'm letting go of the feeling of being a burden to the world because I couldn't accomplish what I wanted to accomplish this world because getting up every morning was enough and I need to be okay about it. I'm letting go of all the times I had my boundaries broken, but I'm also choosing to forgive myself for all the times that I let my boundaries be broken and be disrespected and taken advantage of. I am letting go of my past.. my past actions, my past mistakes, my past decisions, all of the past that I can. I did what I could with the knowledge and the energy and the time that I thought I had, and I'm okay with it. I am letting go and making peace with the past year because I am choosing to move forward and grow.

I choose to move forward with my growth the most because I deserve to let myself flourish in a more positive environment. I deserve to work through my BS so that I can move forward in life. I've made a lot of promises to myself that I know that I haven't followed through with but I also know that even if I haven't followed through with it, there was still effort brought to the table, so it's still a step forward in my continued development and growth.

So here's to 2025. May it bring happiness, prosperity, and continued growth.

Maybe I'll blog more. Maybe I won't. Maybe I'll blog about as much as I did last year. Maybe I won't. Who knows. I'm looking forward to what this year brings - let's do it.

[strangeanomelly]

Protecting my peace..

Since my last post, a lot of things have happened. I thought I was going to create this blog to escape into an internet paradise where I was free to express myself without fear of judgement, and where I could empty myself until I had nothing else to scream into the void about.

However, lately... everything has been the opposite.

After a little over a week since he left, I have to say that I feel just as relieved as I did the day I woke up alone.

I don't feel like I owe anyone an explanation - I don't know if I would even try to explain it to anyone in town. No one around me would actually ask me why I would tell him to go. I have been telling him to leave me for years. My reasons have always been valid. I don't feel bad, I don't feel like my whole world is ending. I feel like I can breathe again.

I know I've said this many many times, but I never want to feel the way I had felt for so long again.

I don't know what the future holds, but I want to keep this peace for as long as humanly possible and live life with my babies as long as I can.

That's it for tonight.

[strangeanomelly]

gentle reminder 💌💕

instagram

[strangeanomelly]

I've been ruminating about starting over.

Over the past little while, I've noticed myself slip into the comfort of the big black cloud, and while it has been not helpful, nor comfortable, I have been stewing in the shadows of it. I let it completely take over my life and I know it's probably the worst thing I could have done, I blanketed it with the excuse of winter blues, and isolation "to recharge".

I went out yesterday to run errands and I didn't like the feeling of being away from my comfort zone, from my home. I hated it. I felt lost, numb and shook with anxiety. I took the 3 steps down at the mall and nearly collapsed as my legs felt like they were giving out. I know that I haven't been exercising for the past couple months and I can feel myself having less muscle than I've ever had and it's enough to make me realize that I really do need to go out more or at least move more but that's besides the current point I'm attempting to make. I know that if I had fallen, it probably would have been added to the list of traumas I've experienced (or let myself experience) and it would have been 5 steps back on my road to recovery. I'm already several steps behind, adding more would set me back much further than I anticipated.

There were some highlights though: I managed to snag a book that I've been staring at for months, and for less than $20 (about $15), which is also a bargain for a newly popular book. I went to the food court, got myself some a regular "the works" poutine from New York Fries, and sat down to read alone. My body felt frozen to the chair I was sitting in, but I managed to be in the public for a decent amount of time.

(For those wondering, the book is "Lessons in Chemistry" by Bonnie Garmus.)

So far, a recommended read. I haven't went further than the first couple of chapters, so I can't really formulate a decent opinion, but I will say that it has brought back my thirst for getting into a good book, and that's a definitely positive thing to add to an otherwise anxiety-filled, mentally exhausting day. A silver lining, if you will.

I am not currently cold, yet I have chills running up and down my body while I write this. If anyone has a reasonable explanation for it, I'd love to hear it. I guess for now I'll have to deal with it and push forward because these words need to be released.

So why have I decided to start a new blog-ish journal thing?

Well..

A few weeks ago, I spoke to a friend of mine after a particularly nasty spout of splitting, that writing in a journal would probably be more productive than spilling my guts out to another person. Especially if those thoughts are fleeting and sometimes irrational. I couldn't fathom the possibility of actually writing in a journal at the time, and when I did, I thought that it might be easier to pretend that my entries were towards another person, like a "dear, so and so". I figured that it might be easier to communicate my thoughts this way. The only difference would be that it would be aimed at them, but not necessarily for them. This way, I'd be able to communicate as effectively as I can, without the chance of changing the nature of the relationship I have with said person, or making it too personal towards them. I wanted to avoid just constantly spilling my problems to this person or cause me to lose yet another friendship I've come to enjoy having in my life. I want to be able to live my life honestly and open-minded, but I also don't want to exhaust people with my mental illness.

So, I finally pushed myself to start a blog. Or a journal. Or... something. I don't know what this is going to be yet, but I do know that I'll push myself to be honest at least, and strive for consistency.

I'm hoping that it will aid in my recovery. Or at the very least, improve my moods enough to be able to feel a slight bit of normalcy.

Or, aid in the processing of my emotions and thoughts and be a burden to the anonymous side of the internet, other than the people in my life that I would like to keep. Even the most loyal of people get tired of the BS.

So this it it. A hope that I can resonate with the random people of the internet, while also dumping out the random thoughts in my brain to hopefully make room for more positive thoughts, uplifting thoughts, or at least more productive thoughts that as a result, make me a better friend, or better person as a whole.

Wish me luck!