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sanzaibian · 6 months ago

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I look at my watch, it’s already 3 PM. He is one hour late, although I feel that he’s not as much late as he is not coming.

I sigh, and go back to the locker room. I wanted to surprise him by waiting in the lobby shirtless, but after so much time loitering and being told off multiple times by the staff, I guess I must cut my losses. I knew that he wasn’t all that fussed about me wish for a second date in the gym, even if he seems to be a health nut, but still, ghosting me like that really hurts…

As I walk next to the mirrors in the locker room, I look at my body.

Honestly, with a body like that, guys should be drooling and yearning to be my boyfriend ! Yet, when I go on Grindr to find dates, I can only find people who will take me for a quick fuck, and never agree to anything further along… And this is why, no matter how fat my muscles are, how much hair is dusted on my body, how symmetric my face is, or just… how conventionally attractive to a gay audience I may be, I find myself waiting for a whole hour for a prince charming who will never come.

With a disappointed face, I walk towards my locker. By now, it’s no use to try and squeeze in an actual workout in addition to that whole hour full of variants of nothing – not that I really want to work out at all. However, as I reach my locker, I suddenly notice Ilham standing there in gym clothes, that he has presumably just put on.

I guess you can call him a friend ? In the barest of sense ? We do talk sometimes, only the bare minimum, but he’s always the one who leads the conversation… Well, you can’t fault me he’s so ridiculously hot without even trying, it makes me feel self-conscious even when I look how I look ! And, as if on queue, he notices my gloomy expression, and immediately confronts me about it.

“Hey Vítor ! Good workout ? Why do you look so sad like that ?” He asks, way too energetic for the situation. - Ah, it’s nothing, I had a gym date, but I was ghosted…” I answer succinctly. I don’t want to dwell on it too much. - Oh…” I can almost see the gears turning in his head, as he tries to makes sense of what I say, before he gets it. “Oh ! I’m so sorry, bro ! What a bitch to abandon you like this ! Ya know, I know a few girls I could hook you up with, I’m sure they wouldn’t do that ! - I’m sorry, girls won’t do.” I smile at his answer. “Once again, I’m gay ! - Sorry bro, I forgot again ! I swear I can make up to you !” He apologies.

He’s Azerbaijani, and due to how homosexuality is seen over there, he has a really hard time conceiving of masculine gay people. But he tries, and that’s by far the most important.

“Don’t worry, don’t worry ! But I won’t hold you up too much, especially since I already butchered my workout by waiting for him.” I urge him, as I do want to come home sooner than later. - Oh, too bad… then see you next time, bro ! Have a good afternoon ! - Have a good workout !”

He smiles to me while I wave him goodbye, visibly trying to empathize with me, before leaving the locker room in a small trot. This is how far our “friendship” goes, just simple courtesy when we see each other in the gym, which isn’t often since I don’t have a lot of time to go in the first place, and nothing beyond. I could likely try to deepen our relationship, but I feel we don’t actually have much in common, since he’s much more of a social butterfly than I’ll ever be, no matter how eager he may seem to get to know me, with all of these allusions of making me meet people or inviting me to parties.

Finally reaching my locker, I open it and find inside all my regular clothes, my phone and my other belongings, as expected. However, I also find a small piece of paper inside.

Curious, I examine it, and notice that there are actually stuff written on it. Handwritten. A secret message ? In the gym ? That’s weird…

It reads :

“You with no name and no house, do not forget who you are.”

I try to find a signature of any kind, but I do not find anything but this… warning ? poem ? I don’t really know what it’s supposed to be…

But whatever it is, it doesn’t seem to have much substance. I guess it’s not that important for me to take further notice of.

I stick the piece of paper inside my bag and take my clothes. I’m happy to have thought of taking two sets of clothing, since with loitering this long in the lobby, the staff needs to see me leaving, even if it originally was in order to have something to wear for the after-workout date. So I change, I stock everything in my bag, and leave the gym, bidding farewell to the staff at the same time.

Once I’m out of the gym, I look around to find somewhere secluded enough. I wouldn’t want to do anything in public, after all. So I walk around a bit, until I find a public bathhouse, in which I enter, since it is perfect for what I’m about to do.

See, I have quite a big secret… or rather, you know the secret, but you don’t know why it is a secret…

Suddenly, my muscles start mellowing out, my abs fading, while the rest seem to deflate. My pecs start retreating inside my body while my shoulders narrow, losing at the same time all the muscle mass making them fuse into my neck. My v-line disappears, my calves and my arms thin out, and I’m losing mass all round. At the same time, the light dusting of hair on my torso starts thinning out, just like my big beard, losing loads of length until only a few short hairs on my lip and on my chin remain. My hair also grows wildly, covering my forehead in messy coiled hair, losing any order it may have had. And as both of these processes come to an end, I lose a few centimeters of height, while my face rearranges to become more square, my facial features arrange themselves in a less symmetrical way, until it all becomes… well… not a model’s face, just a normal guy’s face.

Here is the secret : the guy that was in the gym wasn’t the real Vítor Nunes. This is the real Vítor Nunes. Just a normal guy, a bit skinny-fat, a bit twinky, a bit nerdy, but most of all an unremarkable guy. And that normal unremarkable guy gets out of his big clothes to go into his small clothes, complete with jeans and a red t-shirt. When everything is secure, I go back out to the street to head to the cafe I go to every time after the gym.

I think I owe you an explanation.

The way I look right now is the way I always looked – well, minus aging. However, one day, about a year ago if my memory serves me right, I suddenly gained the ability to transform. I still don’t know what caused it, but all of a sudden, when I concentrate, I can change my body to reflect what I have in mind.

Of course, I’m gay, so my first instinct when I discovered this gift was to give myself big muscles, and so they magically grew. God, I loved it, it was so exciting to see my muscles swell in the mirror, it’s really a one-of-a-kind experience ! However, this is also when I learned of the limits of this power : it’s actually really uncomfortable to maintain another form for too long, especially when it’s quite far from my normal form. If you have that experience, it’s a bit like when you are in high heels, everything starts to become tricky to do (don’t ask me how I know that). That’s why when I tried to become a woman, it was so uncomfortable I could barely remain like that for a few seconds before I made my boobs go away. Therefore, while I have access to a very hot persona, I can’t maintain it forever, meaning it’s not actually that useful aside from some kind of party trick.

However, the temptation was always too strong.

I used to be a virgin, both in sex and in romance, and the dream of prince charming was a reoccurring one, especially for someone as lonely as I am. However, with this power, I could spend some time in another body, in a body in which I could look like god amongst men. And so, the Vítor Nunes you saw, the one well-thought out to be as attractive for gay men as I could think of, was born. And it’s using his body that I lost my virginity in what could be its own sub-story.

But it never went beyond that, a quick one-night stand, even though I looked very hot and not very picky. I don’t even know what I am doing wrong ! Like, sure, when I’m on dates, the other guy always wants to directly fuck, but still ! Suddenly, someone hails me.

“Hey ! Vítor ! You hear me ?”

I’m jerked out of my thoughts, and quickly cobble an answer.

“Oh, er… hey, Satoshi ! I… didn’t notice you here ! - Well, I noticed.” He answers me, dryly.

He’s always been quite dry with me, and I don’t know why. We go to the same university, and are in the same curriculum in writing, although most of our classes reflect our different paths throughout this degree. So we talked in the few classes we had in common, but nothing more, really. I guess he’s the closest person I could classify as a “friend”, and even that is a stretch. Recently, though, he’s been acting quite weirdly. I know that he’s started attending the gym, and he’s also bleached his hair. I wonder if he is trying to impress someone or what...

“What are you doing in this part of town ?” He asks me. - Oh, I… I was just at the gym, I want to be healthier, you see…” I half-lie, hoping he will be convinced. - I see…” He looks at me, squinting. He doesn’t seem convinced. “Well, what matters is that you become the real you. Now, I’m sorry, but I need to go. Bye.”

What ? What was he mumbling ? I look at him as he continues his way opposite to where I’m heading. He seems to be in quite the hurry, I wonder where he’s heading… Recently, he hasn’t got a lot of time, I always find him almost avoiding talking to people, and always disappearing once class is dismissed. Is gym this much of a time-eater or does he also have something I don’t know of ? … N-not that it interests me this much, of course, that’s his own private life !

Ugh… To save myself from my own thoughts, I enter the cafe and go at the back of the file. When I’m finally at the counter, I go to order, before the woman behind the counter, Sandra, recognizes me. I’m a regular at this cafe, after all.

“Hey Vítor, I didn’t expect you this early ! - Yeah, I had something to do with someone, but he never showed up.” I once again lie by omission, though I admittedly give her a more accurate picture. - Oh, I’m so sorry for you !” She brings her hand on her mouth to empathize with me. She’s always been very expressive. “But speaking of people not showing up, I’m guessing you want an americano, like usual ? - Yes ?” I answer, unsure where she’s heading with this. - Well that’s great ! Because a kind soul actually bought you one !”

Smiling, she gives me an already prepared americano, to which a piece of paper is attached, that I take with a confused look.

“And… to whom I owe the honor ?” In ask her. - Well, that person asked to remain anonymous ! But they told me that you should be able to piece together who they are thanks to this piece of paper I attached !” She answers, radiating in glee. Yeah, she also loves drama. - Okay… well, give them my thanks if you see them, I guess…”

I wave her goodbye and take place at an outside table. Another piece of paper ? It must be a coincidence, the consequences of it not being are way too scary for me to dwell on too much. Yet, when I read it, these consequences seem more and more like reality…

“For you really have a beautiful self, especially when you show your true face.”

It’s the same handwriting as the note I found at the gym ! Plus, when putting the two pieces of paper, it really does seem to be directly talking about my transformations… But who is it, and what do they want from me ? How did they find out about my secret ? And why this sudden… flirty tone ?

I sigh, and quickly drink my coffee. Due to the fact that it has already been prepared, it means that it’s a bit colder than usual, meaning it’s easier to drink. Wait… if it’s barely colder than usual… does this mean that the one having ordered it was here barely a few minutes ago ? But if it’s so, then how could they have slipped another piece of paper inside my locker ?

The caffeine starts hitting my brain, making me mull over the facts and imagine who could be the one to deliver these notes. Whoever they are, they seem to know my routine, since they knew that I would go to this cafe after the gym. It means that it’s very likely someone I know, or at least someone whose face I have already seen. They also have been witness to one of my transformations somehow, so they’ve likely hung out at the gym… or been one of my earlier dates perhaps ?

Everything is confusing, I just cannot find a way to make sense of all of that ! And… what will happen now that my secret is revealed ? Am I suddenly going to become a lab rat, as my weird condition is revealed to all ? Am I going to have to perform weird or even illegal tasks to stave off outing of my power ? Am I going to be recruited by a criminal organization in order to perform heists as an unknown person ?

Looking at my empty cup, I understand I’ve now gone too far in my thoughts. I’m likely not going to be coerced by a criminal ringleader to commit crimes. That’s ridiculous.

I dispose of my cup and head home. I’ve seen enough today, and I really need an actual break. So I take the bus, a few connecting ones until I’m finally back where I live. Before entering, I quickly go to check if there’s anything in the mailbox. And as if on queue, there is, some random account statements and other official stuff… and another of those papers.

They know where I live ! Now I can actually be scared ! For sure they’re going to make me do crimes or intern me inside a research center, I know it ! Shaking, I take out the piece of paper, and read it. It is written with the same handwriting as the others, so it confirms the fact that they do know a lot about me, but… er… eh ? Here is what it says :

“You are always worthy of love, so never forget the above.”

Wait wait wait, from the beginning, the flirty was what it was all actually about ? It is a love declaration ? … I guess it does rule out the criminal possibility… So who could it be ?

Thinking about it… It can’t be Sandra at the cafe, her shift wouldn’t let her go in the gym when I was there, and she was the one saying that they bought the coffee and left me the message. It can’t be Satoshi, although he could have bought me coffee, he couldn’t put the message in my locker, since I didn’t see him entering the gym, and he was actually walking towards the gym when I saw him. Plus, he’s so dry with me I’d think he hates me before I’d think he loves me. It can’t be Ilham, although he could have put his message in my locker before I entered, he’s currently at the gym, so he couldn’t buy me coffee. Plus, to my knowledge, he’s straight, and he’s still learning English, so he couldn’t have written such a complicated “poem”.

And I didn’t see anyone else during my little trip, so it could literally be anyone else !

But wait… looking back at the three pieces of paper, of the sequence they put together… it reminds me of something… I open my door and quickly make my way to my computer. I need to check something. To check a certain creative writing homework I had in first year.

And finding it… yes. I was correct. This is directly taken from it. The homework we did in duo back in first year of college. It’s weird… is it… really him ?

I close back up my computer, put down all of my stuff while continuing to mull over this revelation. But all of my thinking leads me to one conclusion and one only : I need to call him. So I take out my phone and do just that.

“Hello, Vítor ? Why do you call me ?” He asks, picking up almost immediately after me calling. - I just wanted to ask… do you remember our creative homework, back in first year ? - Yeah, I do, of course I do. - And… have you recently used it for anything ?”

I hear a sigh. Of course I was right.

“So you understood that it was me. I think we both have things to say to each other, so let us meet. - I guess we do.”

And so I go back out of my house, back to where it all started. Back to the gym. I walk for a bit, take a few buses, and when I’ve finally arrived, none other than Satoshi was waiting for me in front of the gym.

“Hello again, Satoshi.” I hail him. “So, you said we had to discuss ? - Yes. Let me be clear at first : I know that you have a muscular alter-ego that you can become. I don’t know why, or how, but I know you do. - How… did you know ?” I ask, a bit anxious, while he smiles at my question. - Well, you see… since the beginning of the year, you’ve been quite absent, and it made me quite worried.” He began recounting, feeling in his way of speaking way more personal and warm. “Honestly, while at first I thought to myself that you can have your own life, and that I shouldn’t interfere with it, your presence started to feel… missing.”

Huh, I didn’t know that I turned him down this much when I discovered my power. I thought that everything was just going as usual, only talking while in public transports and all… Yeah, I guess since I started going to the gym to get hookups, I changed my route after class, meaning that it overlapped less… I didn’t consider that…

“So, one day, I decided to follow you. Discreetly, of course, until you went to that gym. I… I didn’t know why you would go in there, but following you, I saw you entering a changing room… and out left a muscular man. It doesn’t take a genius to understand that it was you. - So this is how you understood that I had powers… - Yes. But this is not the end of my tale. Because I then thought of why I cared so much about you not being available. It wasn’t the first time someone would more or less abandon me out of the blue like that, but it was the first time I was this agitated. Especially because our relationship wasn’t that deep, all things considered. This lead me to the conclusion that I… er... want to spend more time with you, and made me realize that… in truth… er…” He blushes, suddenly trailing off and having a hard time to articulate clearly. “That… that I’m in love with you.”

Although I expected it, I still blush. He’s so straightforward ! And… it’s so unexpected, all things considered ! I guess I still had in mind the possibility that he was just trying to hype me up, somehow ?

“And what really angers me most,” He continues “is that you are overt there trying to be as ‘masculine’, as ‘beautiful’ or anything else to woo people, even though you’re already great the way you are ! And how you sabotage yourself by catering to this image of yourself you invented, going to the gym and all…”

I don’t know what to say. I guess I’ve been really focused in being as much of a gym rat as I could, else my cover would be ridiculous…

“Is it like that ?” I can finally manage. “That people don’t bye the muscular self I have ? - No. I- I don’t think that’s it. It’s more that you do it too well, so they don’t see you as anything more than a gym rat. I guess it all feels wrong and not personal, because it’s not you ! You’re forcing yourself to be someone you’re not ! B-but… since I have the privilege of knowing who you really are… I want to say that the real you is more. It’s beautiful, and warrants love…” He says, blushing even more. - H-how are you saying this with a straight face…” I answer, smiling, while being swept by the wave of awkwardness he radiates. - I’m not… But I really want to tell you what things really are. Because you deserve it.” He takes a large inspiration. “So. Do you want to go out with me ?”

By now, I fully knew what was coming.

And I know my answer.

“Yes, I do.”

“Hey, I’m home !” I announce, coming back home.

However, I do not find any answer to my call, even though Satoshi is supposed to come to my house this evening. He’s likely not there yet, I’m sure taken by his work, meaning that it’s going to be at least a small while until he makes it here.

I smirk. I know what to do to him. He will hate that, but it will be way too fun an opportunity to pass up. So I go to my room, completely undress, and take out some of the special clothes I still have stashed in the corner of my cupboard. In particular, I take out a very big par of jeans, the kind that would usually never fit me.

Then, all of a sudden, I feel my muscles tense up. They’re pulsating, getting progressively bigger and bigger. My pecs are the most noticeable of all of them, rounding up and sagging down in big globes attached to my torso, but everything else gains in mass. My shoulders crack as they’re pushing apart, muscles growing between them and my neck, and a light dusting of black hair starts appearing on them. They descend all over my body, on my torso, beneath my armpits, in my crotch, and on my legs. My crotch also embiggens, the hose hiding inside taking more and more place, while on the rear side my ass cheeks firm up, and gets bigger just like the pecs upstairs.

As it all happens, my face also itches, as the little hairs that are on it start growing, elongating my face at the same time. These hair grow all over my chin into a long beard, while on my lip they only grow denser. At the same time, my face rearranges to become more conventionally attractive, more symmetrical, and my hair starts shortening a bit, and becoming more well-kept.

As the last few details of my transformation arrange themselves, I put the large jeans on, not even bothering to put on underwear before that. Yup, that’s very sexy alright, he’s gonna hate that ! And so my muscular self takes place in the living room, waiting for his beloved to come.

Because this time, I know my prince charming will come.

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Hey ! A story (that was again hard to write) for the last few hours of Pride Month, if it's even still on in your part of the world ! ^^'

I hope we in the TF community can recognize all the colors of the rainbow and all the letters of the acronym, including bi (and similar identities) and trans people ! And I also hope that we can all help to build, each to our ability, a better and more tolerant world (especially in the face of the rise of hateful ideologies around the world, yes I'm quivering at the results of my elections ^^')

So yeah, happy pride, everyone !

#male transformation #male tf #jock tf #nerd tf #gay tf #muscle loss #muscle drain #transformation #tf story #gay story #gay male story #queer romance #happy pride !

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hard--headed--woman · 7 months ago

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Sorry again for the late post ! Today, after talking about my favourite poet (Renée Vivien), I'm gonna talk about on of my favourite filmmaker ;

Chantal Akerman !

Chantal Akerman was a Belgian filmmaker who was born in Belgium in 1950 and died in Paris in 2015.

She has had an absolutely insane influence on cinema, most recently when her film "Jeanne Dielman, 23 quai du commerce, 1080 Bruxelles", was named best film of all time (which honestly is very fair, this movie is a damn masterpiece).

She was a lesbian, though she didn't talk about it much and didn't want to be reduced to a "lesbian filmmaker". She was married to Sonia Wieder-Atherton, a cellist. Female homosexuality is a recurring theme in her movies - with sometimes long and explicit sex scenes between women, not at all created for the male gaze.

Chantal Akerman comes from a Polish Jewish family. Her grandparents and her mother, Natalia, were deported to Auschwitz, and only her mother returned. Her relationship with Judaism has had a profound influence on her cinema.

She studied briefly at the Institut National Supérieur des Arts du Spectacle in Paris, before going to New York, meeting some other filmmakers, and making some short movies, movies and documentaries. But her huge international success came in 1975, with Jeanne Dielman.

"I was tossing and turning in bed, worried. And suddenly, in a single minute, I saw the whole of Jeanne Dielman..."

I'm going to try and keep it professional when I talk about Jeanne Dielman, but it's going to be hard, because I LOVE this film.

It's a three-hour film that follows three days in the life of a widowed housewife, Jeanne Dielman, who lives with her son, spends her time doing household chores and prostitutes herself to survive. The film is shot in the illusion of real time: if Jeanne spends 30 minutes cleaning her living room, you'll be watching her do it for 30 minutes. (Obviously none of the scenes are that long and there are ellipses but that's to illustrate my point). It's revolutionary. A poignant film about the condition of housewives, alienation, the way we make sure we're busy all the time so we don't have to think about life or death. The tension escalates little by little until the deeply disturbing end of the film, when everything comes crashing down. A masterpiece. Everyone should watch it. It's long but it's worth it! (Plus the main actress is incredible, both as an actress and as a person).

This film was a huge success, and she continued to make others, with recurring themes of the status of women, mother-daughter relationships, lesbianism, death, mental health, alienation, boredom, the need for freedom, solitude, the passage of time, inner suffocation...

More generally, women are at the heart of his work. Women, their inner lives, their identity as women, their experiences...

Chantal was also a great feminist. She defended women's rights in her words, her actions and her films, and was keen to put women in the spotlight. She even surrounded herself almost exclusively with women to create her films.

Suffering from manic-depressive psychological disorders and deeply affected by the death of her mother Natalia a year and a half earlier, she decided to end her life at the age of 65 on 5 October 2015 in Paris.

She is buried in Père-Lachaise cemetery.

She is remembered today as an extraordinary filmmaker and a true innovator. Her films, long, emotionally chanllenging, psychologically and philosophically profound, are quite simply splendid. Check her work!!!

Chantal had a unique and magnificent style, and many more people should watch her films and documentaries.

#chantal akerman #jeanne dielman #cinema #movies #filmaker #female filmmakers #female film directors #lesbian filmmaker #lesbian #lesbian pride #pride #pride month #lesbian history

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lady-of-tearshed · 23 days ago

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Temporary

Pairing: Azris

Summary: Just a cozy morning between secretly mated Azris... they're adorable. This takes place before the IC boys annual snowball fight. 🥰

Word count: 1.4k words

Warnings: Mention of sex, mention of oral sex, brooding, slight/almost IC "hate" (Eris is a hater, apologies. Tho he does not 😚)

A/N: Aaaah Azris, my heart. This is my first time writing a homosexual pairing, so, yay? Yay! Anyways! Tell me your thoughts, I'm really excited about sharing this one with yall. �� ALSO! Let December, the merriest month of the year (in my modest opinion), BEGIN!

If you want to see what Eris... jumper looks like in the fic below, click here!

Dividers made by @tsunami-of-tears ❤️

The sound of crackling fire doesn’t send ripples of raw terror down Azriel’s spine anymore. His hands don't start shaking at the mere sight of a flame, and it doesn’t make him recall the way the fire had licked the skin off his hands as his brothers laughed devilishly.

No, not anymore. Now, Azriel has found a way, someone, who makes him see the flames as other than fear and danger. Now, he can enjoy the warmth it provides him. He can even just watch how the flame dances in the fireplace and just relax. Enjoy. Admire its beauty…

And the person who managed to accomplish this Gods damn miracle is currently curled around Azriel’s pillow, their and Azriel's scent filling the room. It's a perfect combination of warm cider and cinnamon, with a hint of cloves mixed with Azriel’s night-chilled mist and cedar unique scent. The smell clings to the bedsheets, much to Azriel’s delight. It probably will stay that way for a few more days, hopefully. This scent, his mate's scent, his lover’s scent, Eris scent.

Warmth flooded Azriel’s chest, and he stills. The feeling of the bond in his chest still makes him unsteady. Hasn't quite gotten used to the way Eris feels through the bond, nor had he mastered to control the massive waves of emotions he sometimes sends down his mate's side.

The Illyrian steps closer to the bed, keeping his footsteps light and discreet. He sits down beside Eris' sleeping form, his eyes roaming over his utterly naked skin. The light coming from the fire burning in front of Azriel's bed dances over Eris’ freckled back, casting the most enticing shadows on his skin. Azriel sucks in a breath, Eris looks like a God. The Mother herself must envy the male, honestly.

Azriel, unlike Eris, is dressed and almost ready to leave the house. Today, Azriel has planned to leave his secluded flat and fight the frigid weather of the largest peak of Velaris mountains. Today, like every year since centuries, he would not only have to fight the cold and the wind, but also his brothers’ ruthlessness.

Azriel is anticipating his 200th snowball fight victory this year, and hopes to get it over with soon, so he can just crawl back in bed with his favorite redhead to claim his prize.

Fuck the birchin, he would most likely get kicked out anyway. Thoughts of Eris haunt his days and nights now, and the heat of the birchin would just remind him of the heat emitting from his mate’s body when his mouth parts open and Azriel is buried deep in-

“Az, this is an ungodly hour to have these kinds of thoughts,” Eris grumbles, rolling over to face Azriel. His amber eyes meets Azriel’s. “Hi.”

“Hi,” Azriel responds, his voice barely above a whisper. His scarred hand reaches down, and cradles Eris' cheek. “I didn’t want to wake you up.” His thumb traces the freckles on his cheekbone, the softness of Eris’ face makes Azriel shiver. Eris' lips twitch with amusement, his eyelids still heavy with sleep. And Cauldron boil and fry him, Azriel has to fight every instinct in order to keep his clothes on and not claim Eris' pretty mouth with his cock right here and then.

If Rhysand isn’t already growing suspicious of his spymaster's behavior, he would definitely suspect something is going on if Azriel fails to attend their traditional snowball fight without warning them. He can't allow Rhysand to start questioning him, because Eris would kill Azriel for that. Not quite literally, at least. But he would be greatly displeased.

It’s not that Eris wants to keep it a secret forever. No. Eris is a jealous, and quite possessive male. He truly wants nothing more than to make the world know that Azriel is his. Problem is, with his new High Lord position and Autumn closed-minded population, announcing it publicly could create chaos. Eris cannot allow that to happen. His Court is still weak, courtiers are constantly on a rotation, people are tense… A bad reaction to this news could quickly degenerate. Eris still has to build some trust and respect amongst his court, and change a few things up before publicly announcing his mating bond with a male. A male and an Illyrian.

Azriel gets Eris' point of view, and he respects this. Eris considers himself the luckiest male in Prythian for that. Just comprehension and respect, no questions, no pushing.

Though sometimes when Eris is away, he looks at the stars and moon and wonders if this was the right decision. He also wonders how much longer? How much longer until he can truly be free, until he can stop hiding? On darkest days, like when he has to stay away from Azriel for over a week or so because of his High Lord responsabilities, he wonders if Azriel will get bored of hiding. Wonders if he'll get tired of waiting, and end this, the special thing that they have. Eris’ most prized treasure. He wonders what, and if, and why…

A pinch on Eris' cheek snaps him out of his thoughts. “You’re scowling.”

Eris' nose scrunches and frowns. He hates that Azriel can so easily read him. He also hates that he makes Azriel worry, he wants to make him happy when they're together, not stressed or worried about him because he can't stop brooding. “Yeah, because that’s my jumper you’re wearing.” He lies easily. Azriel doesn't notice.

“Jumper?” Azriel looks down, pulling at the navy and dark orange fabric. “You call that a jumper?”

“What do you call it?”

Azriel chuckles and just shrugs. “I don’t know. Like, a sweater? A pullover?”

“That sounds like a cheap piece of clothing. A jumper is fancy.” Eris protests, pulling the sheets further up his body and crossing his arms.

“Yes, yes. Very fancy, my heart.” Azriel leans in, and pampers Eris' scowling face with kisses. Eris looks like a ruffled angry bird, which makes Azriel laugh once more. Before Eris can snap at him for making fun of him, Azriel leans down and nips at the tip of his nose before pulling away. “I have to go now.”

“With my jumper on?”

Azriel halts. He feels the heat creeping up his cheeks. He rolls his neck, trying to ease the unease that settled in the muscles there. “Uh, yeah. Is that… okay?”

Eris props himself up on his elbows and stares. Azriel has to force his eyes to stay focused on Eris’ face, else they will venture down to stare at the sheet dropping dangerously low to his waist. Eris bites his lip, his eyes still assessing Azriel. Eris looks at him up, then down, without any ounce of shame. After what feels like an eternity, Eris just shrugs. “Yeah. Let the ba…”

Azriel's stare hardens, giving Eris a warning. So Eris thinks before continuing what he was about to say, wisely choosing his words. Not without rolling his eyes first, he tries again. “Let your… friends, I guess, know that a delicious smelling person shares your life now. I don’t mind. Just… don’t tell them everything, please. Not now.”

Azriel nods, and before Eris can start to justify himself, he shuts him up by placing his lips on his. He kisses him slowly, savoring the few minutes he has left before he really has to go. When they break apart, reluctantly, Eris' cheeks are tinted with the prettiest shade of pink. “Will you still be there when I come back?” Azriel asks.

Eris chews his lip and runs his hand through his messy auburn curls. “Maybe. I don’t know. I have… stuff waiting for me in Autumn. So… I don't think so. I'll see.”

Azriel nods, though he would have prefered a more certain answer. Because what else can he do about that?

This– the bond–is still new for both of them, but Azriel would be lying if he said he wouldn’t love to have his mate here, in his small apartment, in his bed every day of his immortal life. But he understands. Plus, this is all just a temporary situation. At the moment, Eris has responsibilities, more than ever since he became High Lord. He has a court to rebuild and… hounds waiting for him to get back to them, spoil them and care for them.

Does Azriel feel a bit jealous of the hounds? No. Maybe? Just a little bit. “Alright,” He hesitates, then asks Eris, “Will you come back?”

No matter how many times Eris makes his way back to Azriel, the fear of losing him forever always lingers in the shadowsinger's head. So Azriel always asked, just to be sure, and Eris never questioned. He simply smiles fondly at him and speaks the truth like he always does. “Always.”

Taglist: @mybestfriendmademe @lilah-asteria @acotar-lover @paige0103

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chuuyascumsock · 7 months ago

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struggling through the worst comphet ive ever had and its first of june life really makes me stick the lesbian flag up my ass rn 💔 pls give me some a random hc or thirst or fluff for chuutilda idc i need her to soothe my women loving soul

-skittle anon (bawling my eyes out im not rainbowing rn)

Sorry for being late, I had to do volunteer hours and then work the next day so I was like super duper exhausted and didn’t respond. I’m sorry that you’re struggling with that, here’s some random Chuutilda Hcs both SFW and NSFW 🫶

SFW

Likes to match outfits with you (if you wear baggy clothes, she wears tighter/cropped versions of those and it’s honestly rlly cute).

She’s deadass buff so when she wears tank tops it’s all fun and games until she flexes and sends the female population into a homosexual spiral.

Does hair, face, and body care routines with you on her nights off.

Constantly buys you things when she’s out because she’s always thinking about you.

Cries watching dogs movies and cuddles you while hiding her face at the sad parts.

Paints her nails the color of your eyes because she thinks you have the prettiest eyes.

NSFW

Loves buying you lingerie that she can have easy access to.

Favorite thing to do is eat it from the back until you’re crying into the pillows or slumped over the counter.

Lets you sit on her face when you’re in a bad mood and eats you out until you feel better or her jaw goes numb.

Gets large strap-ons to watch your throat bulge when she makes you suck her off and is mesmerized by the indent in your stomach each time she thrusts into you.

Aftercare with her is warm bubble baths and cuddling along with a glass of wine.

Fem! Chuuya is my baby girl, I love her so much.

#chuuya x reader #chuuya nakahara x reader #chuuya smut #fem chuuya #fem chuuya smut #fem chuuya x reader

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hotluncheddie · 2 years ago

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stop being a goblin and let me kiss you

part 1

˚✧₊⁎ ⁎⁺˳✧༚ ⁎⁺˳✧༚

eddie’s at the diner with steve and robin, after loitering in the store for a couple hours till they could lock up and hang out. he used to go and pretend to look for something to rent but that went away after steve offered to just rent whatever he wanted with their employee discount because quote, ‘then we can just all watch together!’ robin may have clocked him for coming in to ogle steve but eddie likes to ignore that part. so they’re at the diner and it’s a super fun wholesome time had all round, sharing fries and talking about dumb shit.

eddie was sitting across from steve who had ordered a strawberry milkshake like the god damn stereotype he was and eddie was very subtly taking in the view that was steve scooping his whipped cream up using the cherry on top. while also holding the conversation just fine thanks, no drool or little floating hears around his head, no no, just commentary on the state of this diners hash brows compared to one he vaguely remembered having in the spring of 75.

steve eventually stopped with the cream, putting the cherry in his mouth and eddie thought he was scott free from any further torment until steve took the stem out, having tied it in a knot in about three second flat. like it was nothing, like it was easy, simple, a day to day steve harrington move. which eddie supposed it kind of could be considering the guys reputation. but still. fuck!

then like a demon, steve fucking winks at him. fully just sending eddie into orbit. choking on his soda like an idiot.

he’s beet red and he knows it. robin seems none the wiser waxing lyrical about mint chocolate ice cream but eddie honestly thinks she might just be throwing him and bone. gay solidarity or whatever. steve however, must know nothing of gay solidarity because if he did he would not be so homosexual in front of eddies desperate, filthy, virgin eyes.

eddie excuses himself to the bathroom, being his own saving grace for once. just needing a little break from stupid steve and his stupid skilled tongue. definitely ignoring robin slapping steve on the arm and his mirth filled ‘what? what? he liked it bobbie!’

˚✧₊⁎ ⁎⁺˳✧༚ ⁎⁺˳✧༚

part 2 (steve) part 3 (eddie) part 4 (steve) part 5 (eddie) part 6 (steve) part 7 (eddie)

#steddie #steve x eddie #just silly really #i dunno #guess i’m thinking about cocky steve again hehe #<3 #hotlunch #or comfortable #bisexual steve harrington #my love #virgin eddie munson #a slay #my fic #stop being a goblin and let me kiss you

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lesbianbanana · 1 year ago

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Greek Mythology Characters If They Wrote Books

- If You See A Girl Covered In Blood, She's Having The Time Of Her Life by Artemis

- Gardener's Guide To Common Flowers by Apollo

- A List Of All The Times I Fucked Shit Up by Athena

- Reasons Why You Cannot Be Better Than Me by Aphrodite.

- How To Be Illegal At 2 Hours Old by Hermes

- How To Be The Baddest Bitch Ever by Dionysus

- A Day In The Life Of An Ancient Greek Homicidal Housewife by Hera

- A Day In The Life Of An Ancient Greek Whore Husband by Zeus

- Why You Should Punch Your Brothers In The Face by Demeter

- Vague Dolphin Noises by Poseidon

- When Everyone Hates You But You're Literally Trying You're Best by Ares

- No Comment by Hephaestus

- God Forbid A Girl Have Hobbies by Persephone

- When You're Literally The Only Chill Dude Here by Hades

- Why Family Therapists Should Be A Thing by Hestia

- I Have The Stupidest Boyfriend Ever Prove Me Wrong by Patroclus

- How To Anger Your Great Great Grandfather (Step By Step) by Achilles

- A Series Of Incredibly Stupid Events That Are All My Fault by Odysseus

- Awkward Moment When You're Family Line Is Cursed by The House of Atreus

- I Introduce My Wife To My Mum (End Will Shock You) by Oedipus

- Why You Shouldn't Show Any Interest In Your Dad's Hobbies by Phaethon

- When You Accidentally Started A War But You're Literally Just A Girl by Helen of Sparta Troy

- When You're A Girlboss But Everyone Here Is Misogynistic by Atalanta

- How To Get A Wife Who Actually Likes You by Perseus

- Everyone Hates Me And Honestly Same by Heracles

- How To Raise Homosexuals by Chiron

- When You Try To Help A Pal Out But It Backfires by Asclepius

- Some Girl In The Woods Made Me Transgender by Sipriotes

- Ouch Fuck That Hurts by Actaeon

- I Was Supposed To Break The Cycle But My Husband Kept Eating Our Kids by Rhea

- Why You Should Teach Your Son To Stab People (i.e. Your Husband) by Gaea

- How To Cheat Death (*May Backfire*) by Sisyphus

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battyjules · 6 months ago

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BYLER IS LITERALLY SO REAL HERES WHY

Will byers is already CONFIRMED to be canonically in love with mike, this is known knowledge.

Now for mike, it hasnt been confirmed BUT

Throughout the series we can see implications of mike being queer

Back in season 1, even his dad questioned him "mike with a girl?"

As well as in season 3 we can see him projecting during the rain fight "its not my fault you dont like girls"

Mike is btw, NOT in love with eleven. Not only was it difficult for him to say "I love you" which yes could have been a side effect of how his parents are, people also kept expressing in season 1 that mike should be in love with eleven, so he wouldve believed it too.

Whenever mike and eleven kissed it was honestly very awkward as well, mike didnt really let el touch him at all and he literally had his eyes wide open once lol

You can also see in a lot of clips between mike and will that mike literally STARES at wills lips dude that is some homosexual behavior if ive ever seen it

We also know that the duffer brothers have no problem having canon lgbtq couples in the series (ie. soon to be robin and vickie)

Moving onto the van scene in season 4, mike could probably tell will was lying about how el commissioned the painting, or at least will piece it together soon. We know this because el has never shown interest for DnD so it wouldnt make any sense for her to commission it. Still, when will said el commissioned it and it wasnt necessarily from him, mikes smiled faded, he looked disappointed like he wanted it to be from will.

Onto costume design, everything is there for a reason. For one of robins designs, the costume designer stated that the triangles and equal signs on her shirt were an easter egg to her being queer. We can then see on mikes shirt he has a triangular pocket on his chest, which while also may be showing how mike has turned more edgy (as the costume designer said) it could also be referencing the upside down pink triangle symbol that symbolizes queerness

also, mike and CLOSET symbolism is INSANE

He literally has a "one way" sign POINTING TO HIS CLOSET

And and and

during one of will and els kisses, when his eyes were wide open and he honestly looked confused, el was holding wills teddy bear and they were in front of an open closet.

also due to the fact this is the 80s and he lives in a relatively well off, basic 80s household, if hes queer he also probably suffers from internalized homophobia which is why he tends to reject the whole concept (ie the rain fight)

as said earlier, throughout season 1, people kept implying that mike was in love with El, as mike was taking care of her. He kept denying it though, and need i remind you that when they found her they, including mike, were planning on sending her back to wherever she came from, until they found out she was in major danger and also had super powers and could help find will.

thats not all as in season 1 mike was saying el would be like family, until it came to him. el literally thought she was gonna be his sister until he denied it even though he was saying nancy would be like a sister.

i could go on about this for hours because theres more

#byler #byler endgame #byler is canon #byler is real #mike wheeler #will byers #lgbtqia

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adolin · 7 months ago

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Good morning,

my sister and I as queerish catholicish people* have been fascinated with the the new pope drama.

Anyways we were wondering about context.

When the pope was asking the vatican to "tone down the faggotry" was he

Deliberatly condemning homosexuls in the vatican?

Asking vatican employees to stop gay sex while at work.

Asking vatican employees to stop behaving in a stereotypically gay way at work?

Asking vatican employees to stop being so extra? This is pope Francis after all. He's not really a big luxury guy.....and maybe he finds the drag race aesthetic to be at odds with votes of poverty. (The documentary "Paris is burning" might correct that misunderstanding...but I can see how a general apeal to tone down extragance combined with a new slang phrase in his second language could cause this.

I do understand that whatever the context for the quote was, pope Francis used the wrong term.

But Im really curious what he was trying to accomplish.

Also how do I pronounce your new Url as I relay this information to my family?

*I am a practicing queer raised catholic and she a practicing catholic at a queer independent catholic** church

**yes its existence shocked me to, but they have like 18 members and a local epicable let's them met in thier space in off hours. And they take nor give any money to the vactican and sing the old mass.

Ok your sister's queer independent catholic church sounds honestly cool af. Hope they're having fun in there.

Context: the Pope was telling (Italian) bishops that the Church should discourage gay men from joining, and "there's too much homosexuality (faggotry) in seminaries already." We don't know the context as this was leaked, but if I HAD to make a guess I would say_ 1) This is undoubtedly a homophobic statement 2) this is coming from a guy who feels strongly that clergy should respect their votes of chastity, which a lot of priests straight-up ignore.

So, like. Francis HAS gone on record saying that gay men are likely to falter in their vocations or whatever. But if I had to speculate, and I don't believe I'm being overly charitable here, I think the point of his speech was, "By the way, priests should not fuck, remember that? And maybe men who are into men are more likely to fuck their colleagues and keep quiet about it, we all know it happens way too much."

But yeah tldr: he WAS "deliberately condemning homosexuals" in a "gay people are more likely than straight people to give in to the temptations of the flesh" kinda way. Which IS homophobic but not outrageously so, and I think very much in line with his overall line re: queer people in the Church, kind of when he said "Blessings to same-sex couples are fine! It's not the same thing as a real marriage tho."

I think it was a remark that wouldn't have raised any eyebrows among its intended audience if he hadn't used that word, which gave people who don't like him a lot of ammo to discredit him and motivation to leak the story. That's also why I think there's no way he was aware of the full implications of the word — would this pope say slurs in private? idk. maybe. I don't know him. Would he say slurs in front of an audience of bishops when half the Vatican can't stand him because they think he's a dangerous third-world outsider and a hardass? No fucking way.

At least that's my take. I'm gonna @monstrousgourmandizingcats who may have better insight.

this is how you pronounce it!

#dabblingreturns #ask #popegate #tagging broadly as #catholicism

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estrellami-1 · 3 months ago

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If I Should Stay

Part 1 | . . . | Part 69 | Part 70

“Can I come in?” Dustin continues.

Steve looks at Eddie. “Come on in, Dustin.” Eddie moves to sit next to Steve.

He does, blinking at their positions on the floor, then mentally shrugs and joins them. “Joyce and Wayne were talking to us downstairs,” he starts quietly. “About how people think two guys liking each other is bad, and wrong, but how it isn’t, but how it’s still not safe for you.” He bites his lip. “We won’t tell anyone. None of us will. But I-” He takes a breath, looks away before continuing. “I think you’re brave. Really brave. And I think no one should get to tell you that being together is wrong or bad. Because it can’t be. I mean, even just logically speaking there are animals in homosexual relationships, but even without that.” He looks up at Steve. “I was over visiting Mike a few times when you’d be over. And I saw the way you looked at her. And I see the way you look at him. And it can’t be wrong, if the way you look at him is true.”

“God fucking damn it,” Steve grits out to Eddie, who grabs at his hand and squeezes it.

“Thank you, Dustin,” Eddie quietly says. “We really appreciate it.”

Dustin nods, fidgets. “Steve?” He pauses to fidget again. “Can- can I give you a hug? Maybe?”

“Definitely,” Steve nods, opening his arms. Dustin gives him a small smile and leans in.

“I’m glad you came back,” he whispers.

“Jesus fuck,” Steve gets out. “You’re gonna be the death of me, kid, my heart’s gonna give out like I’m eighty, and it’s gonna be because of you and your mouth. Christ.”

“Should I… not have said that?”

“No. I’m glad you did. Very glad. Thank you, Dustin.” He wipes his face and smiles at Dustin. “Give us a few minutes?”

“Okay,” Dustin nods, standing. “I’ll tell everyone else.” He fidgets again. “Also, El wants to know when we’re gonna start.”

Steve sighs. “Today’s for a plan. When we start depends on the plan, and what day works best for it.”

“I’ll tell her,” Dustin promises, nodding, before running out.

Steve leans back against Eddie with a sigh.

“You’re really good with him,” Eddie murmurs.

“Yeah, well I’ve known him for years, I should be.”

“Not this Dustin. You’ve known him for all of two weeks. I think it’s just who you are as a person.” He wraps an arm around Steve’s shoulders. “I think you and my Uncle Wayne were cut from the same cloth. People can’t help but to like you.”

“Sure, even though you hated me in high school.”

“I didn’t know you in high school. I’d even venture as far as to say you didn’t know yourself in high school.”

“You’re probably right.”

“I think that means you should agree with me, instead of trying to argue about how terrible you are as a person.” Eddie grins at him. “Ready to go downstairs? Even if we’re not starting until tomorrow at the earliest, we should still get a game plan going today.”

Steve sighs. “I hate when you’re right.”

“Lies,” Eddie says happily, hopping to his feet and offering Steve a hand up, “lies and slander, you like me, Steve Harrington.”

Steve doesn’t even try to hide his smile. “Sure, Eds. Let’s go downstairs.”

They meet with everyone still in attendance in his living room. Joyce returns a few minutes later, and they start planning.

About an hour into it, Steve’s getting a headache. He rubs his temples but smiles at El when she approaches him. “Is your head being too loud?” She whispers.

Steve smiles wider. “I’ll be fine, Ellie.”

She narrows her eyes. “That isn’t a no. Friends don’t lie, Steve.”

“You’re right. Friends don’t lie.” He pets a hand over her head, cups her jaw for a second. “My head is being a little loud, but it’s not bad right now.”

“Would a hug help?”

“I think hugs always help,” he tells her seriously. “There are very few things a hug cannot fix.”

She beams and leans into him, throwing her arms around his waist. He grins, then buries it in her short hair. “Tell me something honestly. Could you go back to the building? Or would it hurt too much?”

She thinks about it. “It will hurt,” she tells him. “But I will be okay if I do not see the rainbow room.”

“You won’t,” Steve promises her. “What about Papa?”

She shakes her head, buries her face in his chest. “I won’t be strong enough,” comes out muffled.

“Okay. No rainbow room and no Papa. We can do that, Ellie. Anything you want to do yourself?”

Her lip curls when she moves to press her cheek to his chest. “The medicine room.”

Steve’s eyes shut. “Okay. Can I help you with that room?”

“Yeah.”

“Okay.” He looks up to see everyone else watching them. “Have you decided on something yet?”

“We were sort of waiting for you, dear,” Joyce says apologetically. “You know the most about this stuff. We’re kind of flying blind here.”

Steve sighs, leans forward. “You’re right. Then let’s plan.”

Permanent Taglist: @justforthedead89 @ilovecupcakesandtea @madigoround @bookbinderbitch @suddenlyinlove

@nburkhardt @artiststarme @paintsplatteredandimperfect @i-less-than-three-you @alyelf

@quarble @messrs-weasley @littlewildflowerkitten @vankaar @starman-jpg

@bornonthesavage @steddie-there @goodolefashionedloverboi @mischivarien @cinnamon-mushroomabomination

@platinum-sunset @just-ladyme @steddiestains @swimmingbirdrunningrock @imhereforthelolzdontyellatme

@martinskis-lydias @notaqueenakhaleesi @sleepyboosstuff @bestwifehaver @m-owo-n

@thatonebadideapanda @finalmoondragon @velocitytimes2 @callmeanythjing @ajeff855

@ilikeititspretty @knitsforthetrail @sillysparrow @that-one-corvid @ace-is-bored

@inadequatecowboy @harpymoth @weirdandabsurd42

Fic Taglist: @blondlanfear @do-you-want-something-more @str4wb3rry-guy @paperbackribs @ninjapirateunicorns

@bisexualdisastersworld @hiscrimsonangel @lolawonsstuff @xo-r4e @thedragonsaunt

@l0st-strawberry

#stranger things #steve harrington #eddie munson #steddie #If I should stay #starambles #Fluffy fluff with feels

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chemicalarospec · 1 month ago

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tagged by @whaaaaaaaalllle6

List 5 topics you can talk on for an hour without preparing any material

UK homosexuality (legal) history (honestly I could probably break this into separate topics for 1950-60s Wolfenden + entertainment gays and Section 28)

emo

anti-Asian racism, Orientalism, and Asian American history

fandom, fandom history, and my experience with fandom

the 2010s

tagging @ralexsol @novaliae @sophaeros @impulsivedecisionsat3am @dilbobloggins @lowoliet

#i took the 'an hour' seriously and struggled hard for it lol #i said this #tag game #tagged

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kedreeva · 11 months ago

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as someone who is ace and entering college years, how has your dating life been as an ace? what other struggles have there been that you have advice for? i dont know any aces or similar around me older or otherwise. thank you for your time and i hope you have an easy day!

Okay this will get a little long so I'll put it behind a cut

Honestly I'm probably not the best person to ask, since I never really...struggled? Not specifically with asexuality or with anything related to it. I can tell you my experiences, though, and you can decide if there's anything worthwhile to take away from it!

I grew up in a house run by science and math. I knew the prefix a- meant without/not and I knew there was heterosexual and bisexual and homosexual, so when young and, importantly, before really ever interacting with other queer folk, I went Ah ha, these are (prefix)(sexual) and so therefore I am asexual (without sexuality), and that was that. That was literally all the thought I gave to it. People had crushes on other people, I didn't have crushes on people, end of story. If, for some reason, I developed a crush on someone, I would deal with it then.

Maybeeeee midway through HS, a very good friend of mine asked me about it, and I said well, some people like everyone the same, and I dislike everyone the same. And she said well, then it sounds like you like everyone the same, that amount is just zero, so that seems like bisexual? (she didn't know the term asexual was an actual sexuality term either at that point, just the biological term for reproduction and, well, I could reproduce theoretically so couldn't be that) And I said well, alright then, and called myself bisexual for the next 6 or 7 years. THEN I found out asexuality is a sexuality not just a mode of reproduction and I said Ah Ha, I was Correct, and that was that again.

So I guess if I was offering advice it would be... you know you. Don't let someone else tell you about you if you think they're wrong. Make up a word if there isn't one. Use a new word if you find one that already exists and fits.

Also, that it's fine to not worry about it. Literally it's fine to just never think about it if you have better things to do. I think a lot of people get really wrapped up in finding the right label and/or "what happens if-" when like... you're not a canned good. You don't need a label. Worry about what-ifs when they come up, don't borrow anxiety if you can help it.

I dated a few people in HS, like... three people I think, and one Almost. One predatory mistake I thankfully recognized (HEY because I had older folks online I could talk to about it!) and got out of quickly, and one hot mess relationship that was a LOT of fun- my boyfriend, Sark, and then his ex-girlfriend, and then I stepped out so they could get back together, and then they said wait no, and invited me back in, and that went on for most of the end of HS, and nearly into college, when I stepped out again (and peacefully, I am still friends with both of them and I married Sark in the end). There was one guy whom I was always, perpetually, extremely fond of, and we hung out a lot, kissed once, and I think we would have had a lot of fun dating, but ultimately it was a near miss that became a fond memory, because we were never in the right place together. Sometimes life does that, and that's okay, too.

In college, I simply didn't date anyone. I had better things to do. I met my best friend, @idkfandomwhatever, online that year (and still talk to her almost daily, sometimes for hours, despite that we are on opposite sides of the world!!), and in person @mishapeep who was the best roomie I ever had (hi!!!!! i love you!!!). I had great friends, I went on a TON of adventures, worked a cool job where I had awesome coworkers, and just all around had a blast learning stuff and napping in sunbeams or on couches at the food court. A couple of guys made passes, and I turned them down because I just wasn't into it, and we remained friends. There was one coworker at my dispatch job that I got along with like a house on fire, and everyone ELSE thought we should be dating, but neither of us ever brought it up- I can't say why he didn't for sure, but I know I never brought it up because I was 85% sure he didn't swing for the right team to date me, which I ALSO never brought up until he found me on facebook years later to tell me about his husband running for local election somewhere. so. again, don't let anyone else tell you what to do lol there was ALSO another guy that I had NO interest in that spent a lot of time around me, but we mostly sat in my bunk watching Queer as Folk, which I KNOW was his first exposure to queer material. I never talked about queer stuff with him otherwise, but I heard from a mutual friend of ours that he's also happily married to his husband. Sometimes just being yourself, openly and without shame about it, does more than you think, even if it's not doing anything directly for you (but it is, it's good for you too).

SINCE college ended, I dated one guy I met through an online game and that was great in person briefly, but ultimately didn't work out because he couldn't be a nice person, another guy I met through the same online game and that didn't work out at ALL in person, and then I started hanging out with Sark and co again. I was on the phone with him driving somewhere, and I said something to the effect of someday you're gonna find a gf and she's not gonna want you to keep going on adventures with your ex, and we won't be able to talk anymore and I had a real recordscratch moment where I realized absolutely NOT on MY watch, I wanted that boy in my life forever actually, and we've been married now for... this is year 8.

I may have landed in a soft place, but I didn't seek it out. I just lived my life and didn't worry about my sexuality or about who I was or wasn't gonna date. When I DID date, I was up front about what I wanted from any of those relationships and part of the problem with the relationships that didn't work out was sometimes that I did not KNOW what I wanted, yet. But, it was IMPORTANT I think, that I gave the chances I did, because I did learn about myself and what I wanted. That's probably the hardest fucking thing to learn, that relationships sometimes happen not because they're likely to be permanent, but because it may be fun or be a way to learn what you do or don't want. Maybe alongside of that, the lesson that it's okay to go "hm, actually this is Not For Me" and exit peacefully whenever possible. But it's okay to give temporary things a shot and see how it goes, even knowing up front it may be temporary (honestly maybe that even takes some of the stress of it off? if you don't have to worry about it being forever, and you don't have to worry about "what if I never experience other things," and you don't worry so much about messing it up so it feels easier to take chances saying and doing stuff you might otherwise consider too risky to ask for etc).

I'm aware I'm lucky that things went pretty smoothly for my entire life so far, insofar as dating or sexuality is concerned. Part of that was definitely because even the worst of the people I dated weren't really all that bad of people. A lot of it was that I just didn't date if I didn't want to. I didn't care about sex, so I didn't have sex for the first time until a few years after college, and only one guy ever pushed the issue at all (the guy in HS I immediately dropped all contact with).

The thing is... I dated or nearly dated like ten people, flirted with countless others (because it's FUN), and the only one I still have regular contact with (not just occasional friendly hellos) is the one I kept at the end.

But the friends I made in college? I kept a lot of those. I still talk to several of my college friends on a regular basis. I have made other friends since, some of whom I talk to every day, some of whom have become irregular contacts I am still fond of. But those bonds are important and the ones you make with your friends from here out do have the potential to span at least huge chunks of your life, if not the entirety of it. If you only take away one thing from this little novel...take that knowledge.

also this has nothing to do with asexuality but for pete's sake find SOME kind of hobby club to be a part of, or make one if there isn't one, follow your stupidest instincts for adventure on occasion (like playing freeze tag frisbee in a lightning storm on the PAC lawn at 11pm until the campus cops show up to make you go home), and take at least one "fuck it this sounds fun" class. Mine was archery at 7am, the only early-morning class I ever took. Worth it, we were all TERRIBLE but god it was awesome.

Good luck out there!

#you are always welcome to come talk if you need to #asks or chats or whatever #I will not always have answers or advice but I can listen #asexuality #asks #stories about ked's life #I'm leaving this rebloggable because I KNOW there are older aces following me #and y'all have got stories to tell too if you want to speak up

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