#it's his April Fools joke!! please laugh

[martyrbat]

[ID: a low-res panel of Batman talking to two cops. He tells them, “I'm well enough,” despite almost drowning just seconds prior. END ID]

me when i lie

[pucksandpower]

April Fools?

Lando Norris x Hamilton!Reader

Summary: maybe telling your father the big news on April Fools’ Day was not the best idea

Lewis is lounging in his driver’s room, reviewing data from the last practice session, when there’s a tentative knock at the door.

“Come in,” he calls out, not looking up from his computer screen.

The door creaks open slowly and Lewis glances over to see you and your boyfriend shuffling awkwardly into the room, neither of you making eye contact with him.

“What’s this then?” Lewis says with an amused chuckle at your strange behavior. “You two look like you’re about to face a firing squad.”

You and Lando exchange a nervous glance but remain silent, shifting your weight uneasily.

Lewis sets down his laptop and leans back in his chair. “Well, out with it. Whatever it is, I’m sure it can’t be that bad.”

You open your mouth but no words come out. You look pleadingly at Lando who seems equally incapable of speech, his lips moving soundlessly.

“I haven’t got all day here,” Lewis raises an eyebrow. “One of you needs to start talking.”

You take a steadying breath and then the words come tumbling out in a rush.

“I’m pregnant!”

There’s a beat of silence as Lewis processes what you’ve said. Then he lets out a loud laugh, slapping his knee in amusement.

“Nice one! You two really had me going for a minute there. Very funny prank!”

Lando finally finds his voice, though it comes out as more of a terrified squeak. “She’s … she’s not joking. Y/N is pregnant. With my … with my baby.”

Lewis just keeps laughing so hard that tears threaten to spill down his cheeks. “Oh come off it, you can drop the act now. I’m not falling for silly April Fools’ pranks!”

“Is … is it April Fools’ Day?” You ask hesitantly, a crease forming between your brows. “I didn’t even realize what day it was ...”

Lewis’ laughter slowly trails off as the serious expressions on your and Lando’s faces register. His eyes narrow as he looks between the two of you.

“You’re … you’re actually pregnant?” He asks slowly, needing confirmation one last time. “With Lando’s …”

Lando gulps audibly and gives the smallest of nods. “Y-yes sir.”

A rushing sound fills Lewis’ ears as the reality slams into him. His little girl, his baby, is having a baby of her own. With a driver no less — one of his competitors!

The room starts spinning dangerously.

“You …” Lewis growls, rounding on Lando with a look that could incinerate him on the spot. “You got my daughter pregnant?”

“I … I …” Lando squeaks, taking an unconscious step back.

“Start running,” Lewis rumbles in a tone of deadly calm. “You’ve got three seconds.”

Lando’s eyes widen in terror and he immediately turns to bolt out the door.

“One …” Lewis counts, rising to his feet with jerky movements.

“I’m too young to die!” Lando wails, throwing the door open and fleeing at a sprint down the hallway.

“Two …” Lewis continues menacingly, stalking after him with murder in his eyes.

“Dad, wait!” You cry out in a panic, but it’s too late.

“Three!” Lewis roars, now fully giving chase after a petrified Lando.

He tears down the corridor and out into the paddock area, drawing confused stares from crew members and team personnel.

“I’m too young to be a grandpa!” Lewis bellows at the top of his lungs, rapidly closing the gap on the fleeing Lando.

You hurry after them, catching up just as Lando races past a very confused group of mechanics, Lewis in hot pursuit.

“Don’t let him hurt me!” Lando screams as he dodges around equipment boxes.

The commotion has drawn the attention of the entire paddock by now. Cameras are out and clicking furiously as the most famous driver on the grid chases his terrified competitor in circles.

Finally, Lando trips over a stray tire and goes sprawling to the ground. Lewis is on him in an instant, grabbing him by the shirt front and hauling him up until they are nose to nose.

“Please … please don’t kill me,” Lando whimpers pathetically.

Lewis glares at the younger man for a long moment before his expression softens just a fraction. “I’ll let you live. On one condition.”

Lando nods frantically in agreement before Lewis has even named the condition.

“The baby gets my name. You two are naming it after me. No arguments.”

For a brief second, relief flashes across Lando’s face. Then his eyes go wide again in fear. “Ah well … you see … the thing is ...”

“Spit it out!” Lewis growls.

“Y/N … she wants to name the baby Nico. After Nico Rosberg.”

A muscle twitches dangerously in Lewis’ jaw and he drops Lando back to the ground in a heap.

“Oh, for fu-”

“I’m sorry! I’m so sorry!” Lando’s desperate shrieks once again fill the air, echoing across the paddock. “Lewis, please, have mercy!”

[suntoru]

*BITES YOUR ARM MAJESTICALLY*

summary: exactly what it sounds like (pranking the genshin boys)

feat. scaramouche, al haitham, diluc, itto, kaeya, xiao, venti

a/n: happs late april fools this one was written at like 3 am

warnings: reader being an anklebiter, crackfic (completely utter nonsense), innuendos (not rated for minors), fluff

➵ “…what the fuck?”

─ ✰ SCARAMOUCHE gives you the ultimate look of disgust as soon as he feels something nom his shoulder gently. immediately he pulls back, his face wrinkling in utter confusion. what just bit him? his expression relaxes for a split second when he sees it’s just you, but goes back to repulsion. did you even brush your teeth this morning? do you know where his clothes have been? you start laughing at him because you got his reaction all on camera, but he’ll have the last laugh when he takes the story out of context. oh well, now all the fatui thinks you have an oral kink 💀💀

─ ✰ AL HAITHAM pushes his reading glasses down, slightly lowering his book to see what shenanigans you’re up to now. his eyes raise, seeing you’re now attached to his lower leg, but aside from that, he has no reaction. he saw the camera that is, until he finally turns to you and says, “interesting. according to this book i’m reading, there is more bacteria and fungi living on your shoulder than walking barefoot through the forest.” while you gag and run to wash your mouth, he smirks and continues reading his cheesy romance novel.

➵ genuinely concerned

─ ✰ DILUC, unlike the first two, is genuinely concerned for you. are you feeling alright? did you hit your head somewhere? are you drunk? you do know where his jacket has been… right? is somebody forcing you to do this? he has so many questions, but all your response is in incomprehensible nonsense muffled against his sleeve that he can’t understand. “y/n, darling? are you all right? can you breathe in there? would you like me to call my nurse?”

─ ✰ ITTO is also extremely concerned but for the opposite reason as diluc. in his mind, there is only one reason why you are biting him, and the only one that makes sense. obviously, somehow you have turned into a zombie and are currently trying to infect him. oh, but you’ll have to try harder to defeat the one and oni arataki itto! he heroically grabs a pot from the kitchen and smacks it against your face, smirking proudly. he just saved himself and the rest of teyvat from a possible zombie invasion!

➵ makes a dirty joke out of it

─ ✰ KAEYA is barely even fazed by your antics. you’ve pranked him before, and he knows you’re trying to get a reaction out of him, but he simply won’t just give it to you :( he thinks it’s fun to tease you, and what better punishment than to fluster you himself? he makes it as embarrassing as possible so you just drop it.“oh, y/n, that’s quite a revealing spot for a hickey, shall i give you a matching one?” please smack him in the face because he’s only half joking 😞

─ ✰ CHILDE is far worse than kaeya on this matter, at least he has some common decency. unfortunately for you, childe does not. if you, for some reason, decide to do this around your friends, he can and will fucking moan 💀 if you’re alone, it’s more toned down, but still teasing enough to make you want to really sink your teeth down on him. “babe, this is kind of kinky… if you wanted to initiate something, you could’ve just told me~”

➵ bites you back

─ ✰ XIAO’S first reaction is a mix of ‘wtf’ and flusteredness. to be fair, he’s always flustered with you, but he’s also confused. what do you mean by this? ah, this must be another one of those silly human customs to express love, equivalent to hugging or kissing. he thinks he’s seen a man do this to woman once, and deems it a normal thing to do. so if you ever decide to do this, be warned that you’ll be met back with an equally majestic chomp of your own.

─ ✰ ITTO’S second instinct to that of the first one is that you’re trying to start a friendly competition with him. he assumes that this is a game, and the rules are probably like the punching bag game at the arcade. the harder you hit, the more points you get! while yes, he doesn’t mind losing to you, he’s not purposefully going to lose to you either. where’s the fun in that? while you give him a baby nom, he full on inhales your left shoulder <3

➵ runs away, trips over a rock and farts cutely

─ ✰ VENTI

do i need to elaborate or

©hawkssimpsblog 2023. do not copy, repost, or translate any of my works on any platform.

[redclercs]

DELICATE✰ CHARLES LECLERC.

ii. do you really wanna know where i was april 29th?

— the one where you and him end up in the same room at the same time.

warnings: kind reminder that the pictures are just used for entertainment and don’t describe what the main character is supposed to look like also, there are some f1 inaccuracies but this is fiction so please ignore them thank you❤️ 2k words.

masterlist ✢ next

Liked by scuderiaferrari, vicpresley, tchalamet and others.

View comments

softyn it’s so good to see you having fun!!

myaid4nfeels so you’re already on the hunt huh

poppyseeds mother!! suddenly I love fast cars vroom vroom

greenleafss @/priscibby you were right she def has another man

frenziekenzie okay cool but I need you to talk about Aidan I’m a child of divorce.

Baku, Azerbaijan, April 29th.

HERE, here is where you end up when you let your agent say yes to every commercial offer you get no matter how random it is. And one day late, to top things off. Many people are angry at you, and you’re getting an earful as soon as the cameras shut down, but for now all you can do is laugh at terrible jokes, like the lady that you are, pretend to sip the frankly horrendous energy drink your manager keeps handing you, and appear very sorry about your previous absence.

You’re not even supposed to be here, you had no idea signing the stupid contract with Red Elix forced you to come to every sponsor event that they had. Having become the most recent sponsor for Ferrari’s F1 team, the men in charge couldn’t wait to show you off, their most important ambassador. Or their shiniest toy, it's all semantics.

"Come on, the shootout is about to start!" the old man whose name you have already forgotten holds your hand, leading you away from the refreshments table where you're looking something drinkable, preferably with alcohol, although it wouldn't help your jetlag.

You spent the eighteen hours of your flight on a F1 binge, because you weren't about to make a fool of yourself by showing up to a Grand Prix having zero idea of whatever was going on other than the cars going really, really fast. Some things are still mildly confusing, like the point distribution and why on Earth there is a sprint race and then a 'real' race the next day. But you're proud of your ability to retain information, you're an actress after all, there are a hundred scripts loaded into your brain.

"We root for the red cars, sweetheart," the man is still holding your hand and it's starting to feel gross, it's papery and sweaty at the same time. It's like he's talking to a child, ennunciating slowly and clearly, and then pointing at the screen where they take turns to focus on drivers sixteen and fifty-five.

Unsurprisingly, you'd figured as much, you're in the Ferrari Suite, everything is fucking red. A wave of annoyance runs through you, but you're used to men being patronizing, so you just smile and take the chance to slip your hand out of his grip, covering your face coyly. "I'll keep an eye on them!"

He turns around after laughing at your 'cuteness' or stupidity, really. Men love laughing at women, especially those whom they deem to be dumb.

"Could you please, please, get me some water? Not Elix, not anything else, water." you whisper to your manager just as he's made himself comfortable to watch the Sprint Shootout. He sends a resented look your way but still gets up from his chair to get you a closed bottle of water. Walter is being forced to be here as much as you are, at least he doesn’t have a contract that keeps him tied to Elix for every race.

The man from before is talking to you again and you try your best not to shut down and tune him out. He's explaining the rules of the Shootout but you couldn't care less about anything that leaves his mouth, also the cars are already coming out of their respective garage and there's so much noise it doesn't even matter how much he adjusts the volume of his voice.

Charles and Carlos, you have learned their names after an hour of having their enlarged picture stare at you from the main wall of the Suite. Charles ended up in first place and he's starting P1 later and tomorrow. Nice. Carlos is struggling a little, apparently, but seeing how fast these silly cars go and how tight the curves are, you can't blame him.

As soon as the Shootout is over, there is chaos again. You are dragged here, there and back, forced to smile for pictures with strangers who have the audacity to squeeze your waist and whisper in your ear, well, that's definitely worse than having to drink the Red Elix.

There is another rush as both drivers come back for a debrief and to get some rest before the Sprint, they're a blur surrounded by people in red uniforms blabbering instructions, and the shouts of 'good job!' and 'i love you!' that have followed them from the paddock.

"Mr. Schafer…” a boney boy with glasses leans down to talk to the guy that has branded you as his for the evening.

Schafer gives him a dirty look, annoyed by the interruption of his incredibly boring story about how he is a self-made multimillionaire. "What?" he barks.

"They- they said not now," the boy whispers shyly, no, not shyly, scared. "They said the drivers need to focus, but maybe later after the Sprint..."

A can of Elix flies in the air and you look in poorly disguised repugnance at the way it puddles close to your Air Force sneakers. The boy has taken a step back, now visibly shaking and your disgust is redirected to the man that just yelled at him and is throwing a temper tantrum.

"Not right now?!" he continues, face turning purple. "What if I had said 'not right now' when they asked me to give them MY money, huh?!"

"T-they said—"

"I don't care what they said! It's your job to get the pictures of them with the Elix! You're useless!"

Other people are staring at you, including most of the Ferrari Hospitality Team, and it makes you feel embarassed that they have most likely pegged you as similar to Schafer from how inseparable you are.

"Why don't we calm down a bit?" you soothe, forcing yourself to run your hand down his arm and back up. "You know how these pilots are, divas at best."

You don't know either of the guys who have disappeared inside the Suite, and by the looks the Hospitality Team gives you once again, you're certain you are completely mistaken. But you don't care, because the media boy is giving you a grateful look, and although he's still visibly fuming, the money guy has stopped yelling.

"You're right sweetheart," Schafer says patting your hand and taking it back to his arm. "Later, then." he warns the media boy, who takes that as his sign to run away.

────────────

Ferrari is full of hope and celebrations when the Sprint ends, you're once again paraded around but at least it's way more fun this time. You get to be near the podium and witness first-hand whatever rituals they play out. The fun is short-lived though, when you are warned by your manager that Mr. Schafer wants to take you out to dinner tonight, you don't have or want to know more, you know what he wants to achieve.

You walk back to the Suite with your manager, trying your best to avoid Mr. Schafer, who is frantically looking for you. He's missing his arm-candy badly.

Your jetlag has worsened, and you have a terrible headache, plus however much Elix you've drank despite taking the smallest sips possible, is making you nauseous.

You need five minutes to yourself. It's all you ask for. You haven't even been able to get a break in the fucking bathroom. Your manager is constantly yelling, already getting his own frustration out on you for whatever shit the Elix team gave him after you missed the first day of the Grand Prix.

In the midst of the chaos, you slip away. Eager to find a place to breathe and enjoy your own company. Or dissociate, again, semantics.

You find yourself in front of two doors with the numbers sixteen and fifty-five identifying whom they each belong to. They are empty, and you know it because both drivers are still in their debriefing/celebration/whatever else they could be doing that once again, won't allow them to pose for the Elix post-race photos.

You are at a crossroads, you are well aware this are private rooms for a reason, but you also know there isn't anywhere more deserted than these rooms.

Sixteen or fifty-five? Who is least likely to freak out if by any miscalculation on your part they found you here? Well, one of them ended the day on a happier note than the other, so...

You open the door marked with the number sixteen and sigh in relief. Five minutes and that's it. Then you can go back and play dumb to Schafer and beg for you manager to finally take you to the hotel.

There is a miscalculation on your part, and five minutes later, just as you're about to get up and leave (after stealing one bottle of water and a granola bar from Charles' stash) the door opens again, revealing the disheveled driver, holding a small plaque with a number two in one hand and a Pirelli cap in the other. He is far more handsome up close, there isn't a screen or photograph that does him justice, and you've seen plenty of both during the day.

"You are not supposed to be here," is the first thing he says, frowning.

"I know," you feign nonchalance as best you can, although you are embarrassed. "I was leaving."

Charles still wears that confused expression on his face, and it makes you glad it hasn't changed to anger. "What were you doing here?"

"Stealing your refreshments," which is not a lie, as you're still holding both things in one hand, not without struggle.

He's not freaking out, which comes across as strange. How many times has he come to his private room to find a random girl waiting for him?

"Should have taken the Elix," he mutters, throwing the Pirelli cap in the empty part of the couch you had been occupying minutes before. "That thing is disgusting."

You can't help but chortle a laugh. "Glad you think so,"

Awkward silence finally falls in the room, and you know that's the signal for you to exit. You're still invading his privacy and while you're glad he really didn't seem to mind, you don't know how much longer he will be so patient.

"Don't tell anyone you were here, okay?" he calls after you, "Someone might get fired."

You nod but he doesn't see you, already minding his own business in his little private bubble. You're jealous to leave him in a space all to himself.

────────────

It takes an hour to get both drivers and you in the same room for the pictures Elix is dying to get. This is far from ridiculous, but you have a contract and so does Ferrari, so you don't have much of a choice.

"Are you feeling better?" Charles asks, and you think he's talking to his team mate until he clears his throat right in front of you. He's holding the Red Elix, just like the one in his private room.

"Who? Me?" you ask stupidly, and then you take a sip of the Gold Elix in your hand, it's so much worse than the Red.

"Yes, you."

"I'm okay, why?" you're suddenly defensive, this is the second time this guy sees you and he's acting all weird.

"Good," he says and also drinks from his Elix, failing to hide his distaste with a purse from his lips. "This thing is really gross," he whispers, and this time his teammate does join the conversation only by laughing.

Both must be exhausted and yet they're trying to put on a good show for the sponsors.

"I'm sorry about intruding in your room," you lower your voice, squeezing your drink.

Charles shrugs lightly, and drinks again, this time without grimacing. "Sometimes I need five minutes too."

You smile, and it's the first sincere smile you've shown all day.

"My mum likes your movies," he says casually, as someone yells that you need 'just one more picture, please!'

You dread the part where he says something along the lines of "Supercut is the best!" but instead, after he stops the automatic motion of taking the red can to his lips, he adds: "I like Loneliness, it's so depressing."

And you throw your head back to laugh.

─── team principal radio: ❝hello! thank you for reading, i hope you enjoyed! i would appreciate to know your thoughts too! ♡❞

[tellmeallaboutit]

knock knock (Raphael x F!Player)

Chapter 1, In Which You Install The Mod

FOREWORD: inspired by this post

SUMMARY: Careful which mods you install for BG3. Did you read the terms and conditions carefully?

TAGS: meta romance, psychological horror, smut, the character is the player, Raphael is after you, you wanted him, you invited him to our world, he accepted your invitation

RATING: explicit

AO3

***

You hesitated for a moment before downloading this “Devil Wears Nada” mod. It felt slightly inappropriate, absurd as it may sound. There was something disrespectful about making Raphael deliver his final monologue in the nude.

Well, you would have to live with offending a bunch of pixels because you do want these screenshots. You put the salt and vinegar Pringles out of the way and wiped your fingers on a napkin before committing this digital sin.

Clickity-click-click. You dragged-and-dropped the mod where you wanted it to be and launched Steam. Now to load the saved game where you made the deal with the devil and gave him the crown of Karsus… pretty much any saved game really. 

Raphael had been spared in each one of your playthroughs.

A sigh escaped you when the devil still appeared fully clothed in the game; had something gone wrong? You double-checked, only to realize that you'd forgotten to activate the mod - odd, since you clearly remembered doing so. Leaving the game, you dragged the mod back into place.

On your phone, in the Devil's Den discord chat, you informed everyone of Raphael's stubborn refusal to undress.

MAKE HIM! came the immediate reply, followed by STRIP THE OLD MAN, accompanied by raunchy gifs. Couldn't help but grin at that.

Back in the game, you loaded an earlier save file and sank into your chair to watch Raphael emerge from the flames, clothed once again. “You son of a…”, you muttered to yourself. It was getting late anyway; this would be your last attempt before calling it a day. Tomorrow is Tuesday and thus another work day. 

“It won’t be long before you come knocking at my door”, Raphael said, looking straight at you from the wide screen. This wall-breaking sequence was brilliantly executed—you had to admit it—very eerie.

Raphael let out a deep, hearty laugh, head thrown back, pearly teeth glistening in orange-red lighting. You didn’t see this animation before. They must have added it with the latest patch, so you moved in closer. 

Handsome as sin, this devil - if he asked for your soul, you’d hand it over on a silver platter.

Suddenly, he fell silent for several seconds, staring directly at you from across the digital divide. You reached for the mouse to check if there was a glitch in the cutscene when Raphael's voice sliced through the silence.

“You are quite eager to see me naked, aren’t you? Naughty little mouse,” Raphael taunted.

What the fuck?

WHAT THE FUCK!?

You recoiled in shock and slammed your laptop shut. A shriek must have escaped your lips, but you were too stunned to notice. It took a moment for your heart to settle and for you to remember what date it was today.

A quick glance over the watch on your wrist confirmed: it was the first of April. April first, two thousand and twenty-four. 

It was an April Fool's joke from the modders.

Oh, fuck. Having recovered from the initial shock, you cautiously opened your notebook, only to be greeted by the familiar "ta-ta" outro. Oh, fuck. This is some kind of really fucked-up prank. How did they get this voice line?

AI, probably. Not probably. Definitely. There was no way they could have involved Andrew Wincott.

You scanned the game screen for any other surprises, but found none. Picking up your phone, you opened Discord and began recording a long voice message - your fingers too clammy to type.

The replies came soon after.

Haha, this is so fucked up, did they really do this? Hm. I have to try it myself. RECORD IT, RECORD IT PLEASE!

You stared at the loading screen but couldn't bring yourself to replay it. Instead, you searched “Raphael naked mod April joke” and clicked on the first Reddit thread that popped up. You didn't even bother to open it; a quick glance at the preview comment – “crazy I almost had a heart attack” – was more than enough.

Enough for today.

You quickly brushed your teeth in the bathroom and changed into short pajamas before glancing at the laptop on the other side of the room, its camera eye peering at you from across the room. You closed the shutter.

“Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they aren't after you”, you read somewhere.

You tucked yourself into bed, phone in hand, blanket between your legs. Was it time for a quick stroll through selected Raphael / Tav bookmarks?

No. Well, maybe. The threesome with Haarlep, just a quick re-read to help you fall asleep quicker. You were creeped out, but not that creeped out. You’ve heard of such meta jokes before. Black & White did it, Metal Gear Solid did it, too. 

But still… they really should tag this sort of stuff.

Your nightly reading was progressing nicely; things were getting interesting - “the ridges of his devil cock stroking your sensitive walls” interesting. Your hand slid into your underwear, working your finger past your hair down to your clit. This scene was very well written, you could almost feel it, picture yourself spread open between Haarlep and Raphael. 

The smut got better and better right until your phone vibrated in your hand, and you dropped it on the blanket.

Unknown caller ID.

Don't answer it, came the panicked, irrational thought as it grabbed you in a chokehold. 

You stared at the screen - the call went on and on - and pushed it aside. Swiped to the right in one quick motion and heard an automated female voice:

"This call is from Europol. We would like to inform you that your identity card number has been misused. For further information please press 1."

You hung up immediately, recognizing this as one of those scam calls that had been making rounds recently. Your mum had received one too. 

Nothing to lose sleep over.

You put the phone down and turned your back to it, trying to calm down. Screw the fanfic, you were not in the mood anymore. Well, you were, but…

Another time. 

It took some time before you could relax, your gaze fixed on the blank wall in front of you, re-playing that cutscene all over again in your head, occasionally wandering to the large window looking out over the courtyard (what a pitch black night). 

Eventually, you did. 

As you drifted off to sleep, a voice whispered in your dream:

“You are quite eager to see me naked, aren’t you? Naughty little mouse”.

The silky soft voice was so lovely; it made you feel less alone. A small smile crossed your lips as you slept.

Yes, Raphael. Very eager indeed. 

Tomorrow. You’ll try again tomorrow.

NEXT: Chapter 2, In Which You Meet A Tall Dark Stranger

[just-my-latest-hyperfixation]

A long night

Written for the @steddiemicrofic challenge, April 2024 edition

Prompt: fool, 454 words

Rated: E

CW: rough sex, angry sex, some breeding kink sprinkled in for funsies

Tags: medieval AU; king!Steve; jester!Eddie; top Steve; bottom Eddie

Notes: Might or might not be set in the same universe as Sol Invictus - who knows

“Why so sulky, my liege? Is the princess not to your liking?”

Steve doesn’t answer, just grabs Eddie’s hips, nails digging into skin. The motion upsets their balance, legs tangling in the bunched-up garments around their ankles, and Eddie clings to the pillar in front of him lest they both topple.

“Pity,” he mutters. “She seems nice. Lovely singing voice.”

Steve growls and bites down on his shoulder, hips speeding up. For a while, the only sounds are the obscene slap-slap-slap of their bodies and the merry jingle of Eddie’s fool's cap.

There's another jab on Eddie’s tongue, but he bites it back. He knows better than to provoke Steve when he's like this.

Eddie takes pride in his ability to read even the smallest expressions on his king's face, the tiniest twitch of those lips, the slightest arch of those brows.

Not that he needs to. Steve isn't exactly subtle in his distaste. The scowl has been etched into his features since his advisors suggested the engagement. It magnified at the arrival of the princess and her entourage, only to crest during the welcome feast.

Eddie sang and danced and joked until his throat burned and his legs hurt, but to no avail. By the time he was dismissed so that the marriage contract could be negotiated, Steve looked ready to throttle someone.

It came as no surprise really, when the first thing he did upon entering his chambers was crowd Eddie against the pillar and shove his fingers down his pants. Eddie would've preferred it if they had made it to the bed, honestly - or if Steve would've let him take off the damn cap before claiming him.

“Shut up,” Steve snarls against the shell of his ear. “She sounds like a pig trying to sing and you know it.”

Eddie can't help it, he laughs.

“Shame on you. That's no way to talk about the mother of your future heir.”

“Oh?” Steve reaches down to take Eddie’s neglected cock in hand, and the laugh teeters off into a wanton moan. His other hand splays over Eddie’s belly, gentle where the rhythm of his hips is harsh and punishing. “Maybe I'll put one inside you instead. Maybe, if I fuck you long and hard and deep enough, it'll catch eventually, how about that? Would you like that?”

Eddie whimpers, trying to buck against the hand pumping his cock. Steve squeezes the base and he groans.

“I said would you like that, Eddie?”

“Yes,” he breathes. “Yes, my king, please.”

“Good,” Steve says, and then, suddenly he's gone. Eddie yelps and the bells jingle as he is roughly pushed forwards. “On the bed, on all fours. It's gonna be a long night."

[joesanrio]

Hiiii can I request a Jey uso X female reader where jey sees a post on social media saying reader is messing with Jimmy and it’s not true. But Jey still gets hot headed and stuff thank you ☺️

This!! I love this. I feel like I took this and ran with it- so please forgive me 🩷 a bit angsty :))

All over Twitter | J.U

Summary: Jey never liked how quickly he was bothered of something on social media, but he can’t help himself… especially when it comes to you.

Pairings: Joshua Fatu {Jey Uso} x fem!reader

Warnings: social media drama, delusions, arguing, cursing, stubborn!Jey, crying, bad angst (first time), rumors, mentions of cheating, not edited

Word Count: 1230

Ratings: Angst | 16+

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Jey scrolling through his social media was starting to become a daily thing, especially since the Bloodline storyline was starting to pick up. As much as he hated how people depicted him and his talents based on the 30-45 minutes they saw him a week, he never reacted. He kept any bad energy they sent towards him to himself, and pretended like he didn’t even see it. That was until he came across a tweet that had to do with you and his twin.

The tweet had about 92k views already, and 40k retweets. It was a video of you and Jonathan meeting up late at night, hugging before entering a random building. There was no context about what was happening except the obvious comments of;

Nah imagine thinking your girl safe from your own twin 💀💀

I CANT- poor Jey 🥲💔

No cause what abt my girl Trin?!?!

That Y/n? Do she not know how Trin can get down…😬

He couldn’t help himself but to keep scrolling through the comments, looking for some type of reassurance that it isn’t what he’s thinking. Jey always thought he knew where you were and what you were doing, maybe he was too blind by a false sense of trust. “Y/n!” He calls for you from the living room.

Your delicate footsteps making their way downstairs to the man sitting on the couch, you couldn’t help but smile at the gorgeous man in front of you. “Hi Baby.” Your lips plump and glossy as always, wearing Jey’s shirt with your little shorts. He looks away as he can feel himself getting flustered by your appearance, remembering the things he just saw not even a minute ago.

“You want to tell me anything.” His voice deep and stern before he lays back against the couch, your hips swaying a bit as you go to sit beside him.

Your freshly groomed eyebrows now in a confused furrow, “I like your haircut… I mean they could’ve faded the sides better but—” Jey’s head immediately snapping towards you.

Going silent as he rubs the side of his hair down before adjusting himself in the chair. “It’s cute!” I reassure as a small smile forms Jey’s lips before the smile drops quickly. “Appreciate it but that’s not what I’m looking for.” His eyes boring into yours, uncomfortably. Your hands starting to fidget together under his intense gaze, shaking your head ‘no’.

A loud sigh coming from his mouth as he picks up his phone, Twitter immediately popping up on the screen. “Look.” He hands you the phone before crossing his arms aggressively, your eyes falling onto the dim screen. Playing the small clip of you and Jon, not understanding the big deal until you scroll down to the comments.

A small scoff leaving your mouth as you go speechless by all the assumptions, “Those people are so miserable.” You hand the phone back before looking at Jey’s serious face.

“So, it’s the people now? Not the fact that you and my damn brother sneaking around at night?” He sits up almost giving himself whiplash. Feeling your heart drop at his demeanor, you couldn’t believe that the man you left everything and everyone for is accusing you of. “Joshua. You’re kidding…” Trying to understand what he’s getting at, this had to be some type of prank.

April Fools was a couple months ago though, and we did forget about it. “This is a joke. Ha-ha so funny babe.” A sarcastic laugh leaving you forcefully as you notice Jey’s gaze not changing.

Noticing the deep breaths, he’s taking is starting to concern you, “I’m not joking, are you screwing around with my brother? My twin at that.” He speaks calmly. Your eyes going wide at the audacity, “Joshua. Don’t be fucking delusional- if I was going to cheat do you really think that I would go to your twin brother?” Your voice high-pitched unintentionally.

His head shakes before wiping his hands on the edge of his knees. Jey loves you too much to believe this, he knows you wouldn’t, you couldn’t do that to him. Something subconsciously is saying otherwise, the fact that he no longer knows where you were and what you were doing is making him upset.

“Do you know how fucking embarrassing this is for me. To find out that you going behind my aback through social media.” He says out loud, hands rubbing down his face in a stressed manner. “I didn’t go behind your damn back! They’re clearly just making stuff up.” Your voice in a defensive tone,

Jey’s gaze on you turning into disappointment making your heart drop. His heavy footsteps leaving you in the living room as he goes upstairs assumingly to your bedroom.

The tension surrounding you, sitting in the now quiet room alone. Heart racing and head spinning, you felt like you were going to cry at any moment. The fact that he wasn’t listening to you just hurt worse, never did you think that complete strangers would have that much of an impact on you and Jey’s relationship.

The loud slam of a door snapping you out of your trance, “Joshua! What are you doing?” jumping from the couch and heading up the stairs quickly. His figure passing by with a suitcase, not bearing a glance towards you. “I’m going to stay the night with… well damn I don’t even know because I can’t go to my own brother!” Jey shouts before throwing the suitcase onto the bed.

He always tended to be overdramatic especially in disagreements, but never to the point where he was leaving. “You’re fucking crazy! Nobody did anything, it was clearly taken out of proportion. Stop acting like that!” You could feel the tingly feeling of anger starting to spread through your body. “Y/n, then what the hell were y’all doing? Because I didn’t even know about you going to see him? He didn’t tell me either!” He shrugs his shoulders as he waits for your response.

“I- nothing! We weren’t doing anything.” You stutter knowing that he can’t know the real reason you were meeting with Jon. Not liking the answer, he heard, he goes straight to the closet and starts ripping shirts off the hanger, “I’m so tired of being second place. So tired of looking like a fool! You say you weren’t cheating but you can’t even tell me what you were doing?” His hands flying as he shouts angrily. Going completely speechless as you watched him continue throwing things into the suitcase, chest heavy, before breaking completely.

Tears streaming down your face uncontrollably, this is ridiculous. Multiple solutions rambling through your head as you stood behind the fuming man. “I can’t tell you. But I promise I wouldn’t cheat on you.” The words practically forming together as you can barely speak while trying to control your breathing. Jey turns around to see you looking like a complete wreck, his eyes softening.

“Then imma go until you can tell me. Simple as that.” He says as he zips up his suitcase, your eyes looking in a panicked manner as he grabs his wallet. “Joshua! Don’t you think this is a bit dramatic?” You sniffle as he rolls his eyes at you.

“Hell yeah. But rather be dramatic than sitting and looking like a fucking clown.” He exits the room without even looking back.

[b1zmuth]

You, ''Me'', and the fucking cat! | Satan X Reader

SC \\ replacement (To like the slightest degree), jealousy, angry MC, crackhead energy, whatever was that fever dream called the obey me anime, fluff, CAT!!!

Plot: You turn into a cat, and basically get replaced in some odd fashion. 

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Today was an ordinary day.

It was the same as all the other ‘’ordinary to the point it's insufferable’’ days, filled with silence and the occasional joke thrown your way, darting glances towards you and those god-awful poorly hidden whispers- basically, everyone was tiptoeing around your general presence, attempting to not set off the ticking time bomb that was a mere step in the wrong direction from going off.

Now, to give credit where it's due, you DID bring this on yourself, considering your recently declared mass ignorance streak of everyone in the House of Lamentation.. And when you said everyone, you really meant EVERYONE- even Cebererus wasn't spared from your wrath and backhanded responses.

Even then, it still didn't justify anything that the brothers had done to you yesterday- leaving you a sopping wet mess due to their shitty April Fools “joke” that left you sulking in ''your bed'' for hours on end… or well leading up until now, where you sat on top of the table in Solomon’s dorm- where the owner of said room laughed at the current absurdity of the situation, despite the glares your eyes shot at him.

You licked your paw in an unamused fashion, trying to ignore Solomon’s cackle session at your unfortunate situation.. he somehow still didn't get with the program- shutting his mouth already.

‘’Hehe, he- haha! This is just too- haaaa!- funny! Tell me the story again, please?’’ Solomon laughed like it was going to be his last, which further fueled your immense hatred for the slick bastard- your mind racing to figure out what would be the best torture method for his ass- ‘’So, before you start telling me how you got yourself into this… situMEOWation! how's life living on the short side? Y’know, as a CAT! Ha!’’

You were going to kill him one way or another that's for SURE.

‘’Meow meow meowww! Meow meow!’’ (I’ll gouge your fucking eyeballs out if you laugh one more time you shitty excuse of a cook!) you hissed at the god-awful cook who laughed even harder this time, having to compose himself before he fell off the couch- ‘’Oh, this is the funniest thing I've ever seen- it's even better when I know what you're saying! Haha!’’ ‘’meow meow!’’ (incompetent fuck!)

Solomon finally stops laughing and turns to you with an amused look on his face, his smirk being the telltale sign of his desire for the full story…

So, this whole problem started when you were in your room secretly planning a nice, luxurious retreat to Istanbul with Satan as a surprise date in your planner- Noticing Mammon who came in your room and started talking to you- ‘’Oi human! Needa’ wear something light to dinner, Lucifer says you will get your hands messy! And doncha’ keep me waiting!’’- you finished up your plans got redressed fairly quickly and started rushing down for dinner only to be met with a dark, like SERIOUSLY dark dining room and radio silence to top it off. ‘’The hell?’’ you said, turning your head in every direction in a confused manner, your eyes darting around- eventually getting used to the pitch-black darkness that consumed the room, which still didn't help much but you just shrugged it off, and shook your phone to turn on its flashlight to be met with a damn near petrifying sight- four gigantic ass spiders-looking THINGS on the roof of the dining room which also, damn near shaved off 15 years off of your lifespan, and it only got worse from there as the 4 ‘’shadows’ started jumping down from the roof… With guns???

Damn! All of that boy kissing really did come to bite you in the ass because there was no way in hell the big G was going to let you slide with YOUR record. Fuck!

‘’Well damn, this might be how I go out, to some fuckass spiders- yeah right, hell to the naw!’’ you thought before making a mad dash up the stairs, hearing the repeated thumps of feet trailing behind you, the sound of your own blood rushing past your ears, the delicious feeling of adrenaline coursing throughout your body made this whole chase a little bit fun..?

Well, it was fun up until you nearly got cornered by three more of the ‘’shadows’’, mindlessly ran into about two walls, and got some varying degrees of carpet burn from sliding across the rugged floor so many times- your screams echoing throughout the halls, NOW the situation had totally went from 0-100 real fast.

But never mind that! Where in the world were the brothers? You had JUST seen and talked to Mammon no less than five minutes ago, right? There is no way that all seven could have disappeared with a trace within a matter of mere minutes?

Well, you kept on running until you finally found a lit room… And then your legs gave out from underneath you- and you somehow slid across a. Soapy floor? What the hell?

‘’SQUUUUIIRRTING CONTESSSSSST!!!!’’ you heard multiple voices around you scream before you were blasted by multiple streams of.. ‘’Water’’, you think, and having buckets of that same ‘’water’’ being dumped all over your already sopping wet body- and then to make matters worse, the millisecond you got up you were pelted with numerous water balloons that sent you right back down for the count- with the same voices bursting out with cackles and giggles at your expense.

I mean, to give credit, your assailants finally got the memo that maybe you were dead due to drowning in some mysterious liquid, and a yellow blur pulled you up before you were pelted with MORE FUCKING WATER BALLOONS- oh yeah, you had to be fucking livid now, looking aligned to someones abandoned wet dog after all.

Oh, and livid you were! Enough to start flipping tables and chairs, turning the now revealed seven brothers into a humanized game of bowl, hanging three of them from a chandelier and giving two a swirly-whirly, leaving poor Lucifer and Satan staring at you in genuine fear and holding up their hands defensively whilst slowly walking backward- ‘’YOU!’’ You yelled, pointing a furious finger that switched between pointing at both demons before you spoke up again, your feet picking up pace and the distraught faces of both demons turning more scared with each step- ‘’I ALMOST DROWNED! MY PHONE? SHAMISLED! MY NOSTRILS? SHOT. MY HAIR THAT I SPENT AN HOUR DRYING AND FLUFFING OUT? DONE-ZOS! WHAT IN THE HELL COMPELS YOU TO DROWN SOMEONE IN WATER AFTER HELPING THEM UP?!’’ you screamed at the two before stopping dead in your tracks, just mere feet in front of them before you started having a stare-down contest with your two unwilling contestants before they nervously tried to plead the fifth with you, only to be met with a loud ‘’STAY!’’ and the loud thumps of their bodies hitting the floor.

‘’Uuuuuuuuurgh..’’ ‘’Nghuuuugh…!’’

‘’Meow meow meow meow, meow! Meooooooooow, meowww.’’ (And that's how I ended up ignoring all of those damn brothers, who almost drowns someone in.. whatever that ‘’water’’ was and then laughing when I got pelted with even MORE wate-’’ ‘’HAAAAAAAAHAAhhhheeeehe!! AHAaaa!’’ ‘’Heheeeee…. Oh uh.. continue, please..’’

So, after you eventually stormed up to your room after spamming ‘’Stay’’ on Lucifer and Satan, you tried to get somewhat dry and marched right on over to Levi’s Room, snatching up Crowe and marching right back on over to your own room before starting your devious plan; turn all of the brothers into cats of course! At least then they would be bearable to be around after the shadoozy they just put you through 15 minutes ago! What a fantastic plan! What could possibly go wrong?

‘’Crowe! I want you to turn something into a cat.’’ You said, hoping that Levi had autopay still enabled on Crowe.

‘’Hello, LEVIACHAN, what would you like to be turned into a cat?’’ Crowe responded, your giddy smile growing with the thought of the brothers getting their justified punishment, right up until you heard Satan calling your name out- ‘’Shit! Did Crowe hear that?’’

‘’Understood, autopay is enabled, beginning transaction soon.’’ You let out a loud groan, mentally cursing Satan for opening his mouth the second you decide to use something as sensitive as Crowe. Fuck!

‘’MC! Were sorry! Can we talk..please?’’ Satan yelled from somewhere downstairs, his voice getting louder- signaling his ascent up towards your room- ‘’Payment confirmed, LEVIACHAN, thank you for using Crowe’s Digital Transformation System. . . . . . A bright white flash quickly illuminates the room, both blinding you and ripping a poorly-hidden scream from your throat, before dissipating and alerting your unwanted guest. . . . As much as you loved Satan, you were SO going to kick his ass the second you got your body back, no! You were GOING to kick his ass as soon as he walked in! Wait, you could do it in the hallway too! Even better.

If only you could reach the door that was taunting you about your new, fuzzy, form.

Well, shit. Now not only were you stuck in this cat form, but your entire revenge plan also went straight out the window- I mean there wasn't jack your minuscule ass was going to be doing to a 6’1 demon who LOVED cats. You might as well just go ahead and call it quits, because this would be your unfortunate new life.

And just as you were sulking, deciding on what cat food you would have to set as your worst-case scenario- O-Great-Lord-O-Cats waltzes into your room, looking somewhat distressed as he frantically looked around for your (human) body, only for his greenish-yellow eyes falling on your adorable cat form- ‘’Oh! Where did you come from, little one? And how did you get inside?’’ Satan asked you, his large hands picking you up and holding you, one hand lifting up to pet your soft fur and eventually scratching behind your ear- but not before swiping a

‘’Never mind that, you must be hungry.. And angry at that..’’ He looked at you with a saddened face, seemingly to completely have forgotten about the very much HUMAN scream that came from your room, and that flashbang of a transformation that he had to have seen- my god, you really didn't think that Satan wanted you gone that much for him to overlook that gigantic red flag.

You wondered if someone were to wave a 50ft red flag in front of his face would he still just ignore it to care for a cat.. Probably so knowing him.

And to your shock, all the rest of the brothers were sitting at the dinner table eating, before they watched Satan walk into the room with yet another cat, before turning back to finish whatever they were doing at the table- I mean it was already confusing that Satan didn't say anything about the recent events, but for all seven brothers to not even spare a cough or a sniffle when your scream rang out and Satan came down with a CAT and not YOU.

‘’What for dinner.’’ Satan asked nonchalantly, setting you down on the dinner table, to which you stared at him with a confused look- ‘’Devildom Stir-fry with Toxic Chameleon’’ someone from behind you said, your furry face now scrunched up in contemplation- ‘’there is no way in hell they served a dish that only demons could eat, did I give them all brain damage? no.. no. did they forget me?’’ You thought to yourself, being so lost in thought that you didn't hear Satan excusing himself from the table to ‘’go get something’’, or really to notice the disappointed sighs of the brothers around you.

You felt a pair of warm, slender hands pick you up and carry you to a nearby seat, setting you down on their lap and petting your fur softly, and as you looked up- you saw Asmo pouting above you.

‘’You know, I feel sooooo bad for making our sweet MC angry… dinners so boring without them.’’ Asmo sighed, picking aimlessly at his plate after he passed you to Belphie- ‘’Agreed, I didn't think they would take it so seriously’’ Belphie hummed before turning you into his personal pillow, smooshing his face inside of your soft fur.

‘’I believe Lucifer told you to at least warn MC that they would be getting wet, right Mammon?’’ Levi retorted at the now worried Mammon who just responded with ‘’Y’know, who tells a person to change clothes because they are going to be getting wet in the dining room, huh?!’’ he pointed his fork towards Levi who scoffed,’’ YOU, Mammon! Are you seriously that dim-witted to not warn someone about a water fight?’’ he glared right back at the elder sibling- searching his pockets for his DDD.

‘’Either way, MC doesn't want to speak with us, they even hid in their room when I came to find them.’’ Satan responded, his tone slowly going more upbeat as he saw you desperately trying to claw your way from underneath Belphie- who awoke with some ‘’gentle’’ persuasion from Satan.

Belphie’s chair quickly tumbles to the ground, with him flying to the floor with it -’’ Y’know, you DIDN’T have to shove me out of the chair! Evil bastard!’’- ‘’tough luck, I need to put this collar on Satan’s Angry Kitty, and you're in the way!’’ Satan shrugged at Belphie, picking you up and returning you back to his seat at the dinner table.

Hold on a minute, he said a-what-now?

‘’Woah woah woah! Slow down! Did you just say you need to put a collar on that CAT who’s name is Satan’s Angry Kitty? Belphie pulled himself up off the floor, looking at Satan with a questionable look on his face ‘’Thats such a cringy name lool’’ Levi giggled to himself as he watched you desperately try to run away from Satan’s hands- ‘’Even the cat thinks the name is weird LMAO’’

Who in their right fucking mind names a cat that? I have to stop picking the freaklicious men to crush on- because this is just plain ridiculous!

‘’What a kinky name for a cat, Satan!’’ Asmo said in a sing-song tone, his smirk never faltering.

‘’Of course, I named the cat that- they remind me of MC, and it would be weird to name a cat that randomly appeared in MC’s room after them, no?’’ Satan laughed, covering your claws with his thumbs- ‘’Oi! What makes you think that the cat belongs to YOU? If anything I say I should get to name the cat! I was MC’s first man after all!’’ Mammon leaped from his seat pointing the finger at Satan and quickly pointing his finger at everyone else at the table.

‘’You would KILL that poor furry feline with your incompetence! I think that I, Asmo, should take care of them! At least they wouldn't end up being sold off to those witches you are so fond of!’’ Asmo put a hand on his chest, smugly making a comment towards Mammon, only to be cut off by Belphie- ‘’Nuh-uh! No way in HELL should an animal be left in your care! You're too self-absorbed to even give a second thought about it! Leave it in the care of ME and BEEL.’’

‘’And you're so sure that you could take care of it huh?! Beel would eat the poor thing as a midnight snack and your napping gramps ass wouldn't even know until a week later!’’

‘’Loool you guys are so pathetic, clearly the otaku could take care of a simple cat- unlike the rest of you normies!’’

‘’Oh COME ON! Your an OTAKU for fucks sake! You’d be too busy busting it to your figurines and those games your always playing to even notice if the cat got eaten by Henry!’’

‘’Who are you calling pathetic?! I was the first one to discover the cat, so I get naming privileges! All the rest of you clingy fucks can suck it!’’

‘’You all are being childish, none of you are even competent enough to care for this feline- so just go ahead and give it to me!’’

‘’SHUT THE HELL UP LUCIFER!’’

. . . . . . . .

It took a lot more arguing, flipped tables and chairs, plates, forks, food, and YOURSELF, being flung around the room before you were finally able to get Satan to calm down and pay attention to you- ‘’HURRRRRAAAAAUG- oh! Satan’s Angry Kitty! You seem like you want my attention.. You want my attention don’t ya? Awwwwwh! You really are just too cute!’’ He cooed at you whilst holding you in his arms before retreating to his room and setting you down on his bed.

I mean, seeing him in his demon form was really interesting since he seemed to get even dreamier when he was being nice in said form- and it was even better that he was lying down on his back and holding you up in the air, still cooing at you about how cute you were- ‘’you know, MC was planning on taking me on a secret date to this place in the human world called ‘’Istanbul’’..’’ ‘’Meow meow meow!’’ ( Damn it! You just had to look through my notebook!’’)

‘’I mean, I was planning on asking them out on a library date, I was really worried if they weren't going to feel the same about me, but thanks to you sitting right next to that notebook I got to know that they do like me back! What a helpful kitty you are!’’ He booped your small button nose, to which you tried to reciprocate the action by booping him back, but failed.

Now, it was only a matter of time before Satan swiped that planner of yours- it DID have the title as ‘’Satan X Me (heart heart heart)’’ but even then you did it as a funny haha joke, and now its come back to bite you in the ass. Dammit.

Unfortunately, he sat you back down on the bed and got up to go retrieve a book from one of his shelves, coming back and fully laying down on his bed with you resting on his chest.

You curled up into a ball on top of him, placing yourself where you could read the book with him, peacefully enjoying the steady beat of his heart, and his soothing breathing- ‘’How much longer do you want to stay as my little angry kitty, hm, MC?’’

Wait what?

He laughed, ‘’Don't act coy with me MC, I've already known that you were transformed into a cat. So, let me ask you again; how much longer do you want to stay as Satan’s Angry Kitty?’’ he narrowed his eyes as he spoke, watching your bewildered expression. (really he was watching your ears)

GET ME OUTTA HERE!!!

And did Jesus come to save you he did, having all six of his brothers burst into the room- teasing you about being Satan’s Little Kitten- and a mix of ‘’APRIL FOOLS’’ having you make a hasty retreat for the door, a mad dash to the dorms where Solomon was- because staying in that house another SECOND would have had you dead on the spot.

‘’Meow meow meow meow, meow meow.’’ (so yeah, here we are. I would have done anything to be in my human form when he told me that! Do you know how hot it was to be called his kitty whilst he was in his demon form AND laying on his chest?! Do you, Solomon?!) You meowed at the sorcerer, who laughed again- ‘’and now your just being thirsty for him, classic you.’’ Solomon responded flashing his bright smile at you.

‘’Meow meow meow..’’ (coming from the fruitastic maestro sitting in front of me I take that as a compliment.)

‘’Would you like for me to turn you back now? You know, so you can continue salivating at the mouth over Satan?

‘’Meow!’’ (yes!)

Solomon giggled at your enthusiastic response before he turned you back into the human- ''It's a wonder that he hasn't shown up here to come and get you-'' and he was swiftly cut off with a suspicious knock at the door to which you answered it… and it was Satan, holding a beautiful bouquet of your favorite colored flower, a giddy smile on his face, and a small ginger cat perched on top of his shoulder- ‘’Heard you had an interest for me, Kitt-’’

‘’let me stop you right there buddy, we need to sit down and have a talk about this nickname situation!’’ You giggled at the somewhat taller male who laughed right with you as he lowered his shoulder so you could grab the cat that was on it.

‘’Where do you keep on finding all these cats?’’ ‘’I don't know, I'm just a cat attractor, you know this already, hun.’’

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A/N: This was just wow. somehow this beat my diavolo x reader fic with a 1500 word difference.. atp every fic I write gets LONGER.. smh

Ngl this one drained me, so OMNB(+SWD) headcannons r next, so if you enjoyed this fic please like and drop a suggestion for the headcannons! oh yeah, and thank you to everyone who enjoyed my DXR fic! i really, really, appreciate it!! :)

Bizmuth 24' | Biz's Workshop

[justhere4thevibez]

the biggest april fools' joke of them all is getting an idea for an april fools fic on april 3rd 😂 please enjoy this silly little story!

April Fools' (In Love)

“Hi.”

Eddie looked up. Blinked. Did a double take. Yet, somehow, this angel before him was still here.

“Hi, Cunningham,” he drawled, leaning against his locker to make himself look cool and effortless in the face of his childhood crush.

The traitorous locker door slammed shut, knocking him off balance and eliminating any coolness or effortlessness he may have attempted. But it made Chrissy laugh, and goddamn if that wasn’t worth a little ego bruise.

“Hi,” she said again, her cheeks pink like apples and looking ripe enough to bite. “Um, I have a weird question for you.”

[el-tur-el]

Thorns (They Always Seem to Catch)

Pairing: Booyahg Piddle/F!Tav (I am not joking. Dear god, I wish I was.)

Warnings: None. Does pining over a goblin warrant a warning?

Word Count: 648. Read it on AO3.

A/N: HAPPY APRIL FOOLS. PLEASE LAUGH, I WROTE THIS WHILE LISTENING TO MITSKI.

It had started out innocuously enough. Though, she supposes, most things do.

He had been the only one in the camp - cult, really, if she’s being honest with herself - that hadn’t immediately been interested in what the sun-kissed, bloated carrion of her corpse would look like; no captivation with the thought of the birds picking the scraps off her ribs, no desire to feed her to the worgs. He had been cordial, kind even. Happy to indulge her in conversation about culture, about literature. He’d shown her the manuscript he’d gotten his hands on - though it took a little convincing to get him to do so - and had eagerly pointed out the bits that intrigued him the most, though she had to stop to explain some of the particularly complex words to him.

He was nice. And friendly faces had been far and few between over the last tenday; her companions, yes, and the tieflings at the Grove were amicable for the most part (save for Rolan, who seemed to have a very particular bone to pick with her). But she felt startlingly alone in all of this, even with her traveling party at her side. Small and insignificant, faced with the looming threat of her own mortality. Would today be the day her jaw splintered to make way for tentacles? Would her blood boil? Her organs eat themselves from the inside out?

So yes, she enjoyed the conversation, and yes, she was friendly to him. As far as she was concerned, there was no reason not to be.

Astarion and Shadowheart had loudly declared her to be a fool; too trust, too focused on matters that were, frankly, frivolous. She was losing sight of the goal - they needed to find Halsin, rid themselves of the tadpoles, and move on with their lives. Gale had mostly been intrigued by how seemingly well-read he had been, rambling as they walked, though nobody was really listening.

What she had not anticipated from all of this was for simple joyfrom a kind connection to blossom into some kind of… fondness. Admiration, perhaps? Infatuation?

He had disappeared when the fighting started out in the courtyard, and the pang of concern she felt left her feeling confused; what did the safety of an Absolutist matter to her? Conversation aside, he was still part of the enemy, and she’d do well to remember that.

But when it was all over, and they stood triumphant, boots sticky with goblin blood, all she felt was the sick shock of regret. These were people, cult or not, with lives of their own. Families. Her mind haunted by the children in the Shattered Sanctum, how they had ran when the fighting started to get Halsin free. Krolla running the chicken chasing out in the courtyard.

And, of course, him.

She’s restless that night when they make camp, all fitful fervor, eyes so heavy and yet painfully plastered open. She gazes up at the stars, her stomach in knots. Had he made it out safe? Where would he go now, with nowhere to call home? Why had he been so kind to her?

She thinks the tadpole must finally be getting to her, because her chest aches, and she knows that that isn’t the correct response to all of this.

She considers the balance of nature versus nurture; could he have bloomed into something softer, had things been different? Taken away from the bloodshed, from the illithid influence, from the looming presence of the Absolute?

Or was he just a goblin, and she was making a mad dash towards the far side of crazy?

She rolls over in her bedroll with a sigh, willing her eyes to shut. Things to think about in the morning - at least if it is the tadpole finally taking hold, Lae’zel will make her death painless and swift.

She dreams, weightless, of possibility.

[loudhousewriting]

Need. (Male luan) Lane x reader headcannons… I’m deprived of my favourite boy… can the reader be a fairly quiet person who likes art and genuinely laughs at his jokes.. please. I am on my knees 😔😔

Aren't we all :(

You and Lane could not be more different, which is why it's so weird that you are dating

You're quiet, antisocial, and kind of a loner, while Lane loves being around people and making them laugh

While he wants you to go out with him, he understands that you would rather not

Well, at first he didn't and couldn't wrap his head around wanting to be alone

He met you when you went to one of his shows. He was bombing pretty hard, but you were laughing at all his stupid jokes, which inturned caused him to direct his attention towards you. He quickly gained his confidence back when people staring laughing again

He uses you as his guinea pig and tells you his new jokes and his newer acts to see if they were good or if they should be thrown out of the routine

He wants to include you in April Fools, but if you were to cry because he goes to far [Which he tends to do] he'll quickly stop and wouldn't do it again

^When the family realizes this, they'll invite you over on April Fools, which causes Lane to quickly take down all his pranks

He would never make a joke at your expense and he would get upset if someone did make such a joke

He adores you and even though you have very different personalities, he's so glad he found you

[anneimaginesundertale]

(✒️give them a shock pen! Jess with G, I could see Jess getting him with this just because his pen snatching habit. X'D)

You might have been planning this for a while. You might have found the perfect April Fools joke months ago and put it in place the moment the package arrived, just to see how long it took. And you might have, just might have, been impressed at how long it had taken G to actually steal that particular pen from your desk.

In a perfectly plotted move by the universe, it took him until April 1st. It was a Saturday, and the two of you only went into the office to finish up the last of the paperwork on your last case.

"I just need you to sign these," you said to G, handing him a folder.

"You got it, angel." He winked at you and very deliberately reached for a pen on your desk.

"Oh no," you said, pushing his hand away. "Those are my nice ones. You know which cup is yours."

He snickered. "Fiiiiine." He reached for the cup you'd set aside just for him and he picked up The Pen. You had to try not to grin.

"Sign quick and we can go get Grillby's for lunch," you said. That would definitely hurry him up.

G clicked the pen and jumped, dropping it back on the desk. "Yowch! What was that?"

"What was what?" you asked.

"It shocked me."

"That's weird. Static shock, maybe?"

"Musta been." He frowned and picked up the pen again. Click. "Gah!" He dropped it again and looked at you with narrowed sockets. "What'd you do, angel?"

"Nothing!" you said, trying to look innocent.

"Suuuuure. Then you won't mind clickin' the pen for me." He smirked, picked it up, and held it out to you.

You hesitated for a moment. Then you took it and put it back into your personal pen cup with a grin. "April Fools!" you crowed.

G laughed and threw his arms around you. "You got me good," he said, in a tone that told you to watch out for loose lids on your ketchup bottle at lunch. "Now, can I have a real pen, please? I still gotta sign this stuff."

[stillthewc]

YEAR OF THE FANGAN - APRIL EDITION

ꕥ DANGANRONPA: DECEPTION EXAMINATION ꕥ

Ah, Instaronpas. Despite Instagram not being very conducive to hosting fangans imo (unless I'm doing things wrong, navigating to older posts is generally a pain / it's very easy to spoil plot points by doing so), the slideshow formatting makes for a very unique type of experience, and the fandom-centric stories I've read on there (aka Total Ronpa Island and Penguinronpa, two fangans I look back on in high reverence despite never fully reading) invoke a special kind of nostalgia to me. So, upon seeing a ton of people on my feed talk about Deception Examination, I was bound to read it eventually. And, despite my admittingly-rocky reception to the prologue, what I discovered when I kept reading was a really fun story.

To start off, we have the cast. While I admit I wasn't the most receptive to them at first (I'm so sorry for judging you, Naga and Frankie), almost every cast member grew on me. While this mostly comes from their respective quirks being presented in super likable ways, I also think the deeper delves into the lives of the characters / perspectives really helps. Both the second and third killer are given insight into their home lives / how that affected their desire to go through with the murder, the Dream Theatre sections (Chester's in particular) give an internal dive of their desires and insecurities, and Edric Pluto's positing about survivalism and morality make him easily the best-written character in the story to me.

I also have to say this is the funniest fangan I've come across thus far. Vanity getting plastered before the Chapter 2 trial, Chester's Big Reveal™️ over his talent, and especially the non-canon April Fools post are some of the hardest I've laughed at a fangan's jokes before, and that's not even mentioning small, one-off jokes the characters make due to their bantering.

But all of that pales in comparison to my favorite part of the story: the cast interactions. Seriously, the prologue does a major disservice by solely focusing on Faith because damn, does this group of characters mesh with one another amazingly. Small, petty rivalries like Naga's and Arthur's, grounded and earnest relationships like Chester's and Milo's, and even small one-off interactions leap off the pages, as do large group events.

In fact, I'd say this one of the sole fangans I prefer the daily life to deadly life over: while the trials and investigations are certainly fun, losing cast members also loses their unique way of interacting with others, making it feel like there's a hole in the story now that they're gone. Because of this, every death has some sort of impact to me which, while definitely a positive, always makes me sad whenever deadly life inevitably has to show up.

Lastly, it's just such a cool novelty to have a fangan with ARG elements? As much as I enjoy the main story, there's something so neat about additional plotlines and characters being introduced in the super-spoilery side blog that should only be read once you're all caught up and (apparently) the Discord server. There feels like there's a whole other story brewing outside the one we're aware of, something I stumbled upon in happenstance after just wanting to collect some fanart references. And, while I'll warn you some of the mystery of the main story's spoiled knowing the ARG info, it's super duper fun if you want to create an even-more developed story experience for yourself.

And that's all I have to say this time around! Please check this story out if you get the chance, and I'll see you in the next YOTF report!

FORMAT: "Instaronpa" (written, but told through images that look like stills from a game/web video fangan)

WHERE TO FIND IT: Instagram (SUPER BIG PRO-TIP: For the love of all things holy, please navigate posts using the Google Doc sheet detailing all the story posts if you want to avoid spoilers! Almost every death was discovered by me due to having to scroll down manually, so don't make the same mistake!)

FAVORITE CHAPTER: Chapter 3. The daily life follows main character Faith's attempts at being a leader, while the deadly life serves as one massive teardown of her efforts. Mix that with one death that's super flashy and another narratively poignant, really good characterization for a lot of characters, and some super-emotional writing across the board, and you're in for a wild ride.

FAVORITE CHARACTER: Surprisingly, Christopher Polo. While he's a shy, quiet fellow who feels more comfortable exploring than socializing, his keen observational skills and general helpfulness also make him one of the few reliable braincell havers in the cast.

OTHER STANDOUT CHARACTERS: Frankie Instein, who quickly went from "character I wasn't a fan of" to "a goofy breath of fresh air with some of the tightest character writing / compelling character motivations in the story", and Arthur The LXIXth, whose noble-heartedness mixed with his overconfidence and casanova wannabe personality made me want to keep reading the story, prologue be damned (Plus his name translates to Arthur the 69th, for crying out loud! What's not to love?)

[youngpettyqueen]

Top five Houlihawk moments?

—No GFA Anon

oh thats an interesting one. alright again, in no particular order-

5. the entirety of Comrades in Arms but specifically when they make up at the end- "Thank you, Hank." "Thank you, Darlene." excuse me while I go insane

4. Hepatitis, the scene between them in her tent. first of all just Hawkeye immediately losing it over seeing Margaret's ass, but then using what she says to him- all she wants is simple respect- and telling her to use that on Donald's mother. its such a sweet scene, I love when he calls her magnificent <3

3. Bug Out and im also gonna include CAVE here for the same reason of them being in camp together comforting each other through being behind the line. Hawkeye telling Margaret he'll protect her so sincerely lives rent free in my head at all times are you kidding. and Margaret is so sweet with him in CAVE, and he's sweet with her, just... theyre so protective I love them

2. Images, that moment when Hawkeye follows her into her tent and she breaks down crying over the dog that was killed and he just walks up and hugs her. its such a small moment, but it says so much that he just goes for the hug and she lets him

their flashback scene in Where There's a Will, There's a War. theyre so in love in that scene ok. the way she's making jokes and being so openly and happily SILLY and he's just laughing himself sick while she laughs her way through her own jokes, they just keep feeding into each other and enabling it. its genuinely one of my favourite scenes in the entire series, its just... perfect. theyre absolutely dating there I dont make the rules

Honourable mentions-

Peace on Us when Hawkeye stops dead in his tracks in his own rage and goes to comfort Margaret when she tells him Donald ran out on her, but he's also furious on her behalf

30 second GFA kiss literally cheered so loud when that happened. anon if you havent looked up that scene please do its exactly what they deserved

the background acting theyre doing in April Fool's in Potter's office where he's got his boot in her face gesturing at it with that 'are you proud of yourself?' look while she plays innocent as if she didnt stick oatmeal in his boots (I think theyre dating in that episode)

the entirety of Carry On, Hawkeye oh my goooooooood oh my god

[hyugaruma]

Hi! How are you? If you're still doing the match ups, can you please do one for me? I'm an Aries (April Fool baby), rather quiet until I get comfortable with people, then I say some dirty stuff to make people laugh. I enjoy reading and writing and true crime shows. I'm a little on the chunky side and am a little sensitive about it. I dislike loud noises and being in packed or small places.

Thank you!

Hii, I’m good thanks for asking. Thanks for the req :-))

I match you with… Shimura!

Shimura is someone who has an easy time getting people to open up and become comfortable with him due to his easygoing nature, so your initial quietness would hold no problem. He’d think your dirty jokes are hilarious, no matter how raunchy or cliche they might be. He’s someone who loves making jokes and poking fun; it’s like his love language. Even though he likes to go out and have rowdy, fun nights, he’s also content with staying in and hanging out with his significant other too. He’s the type to take up on his partner’s interests, so he’s all for watching some true crime with you (even if it gives him nightmares).

Alternate Matches: Todoroki Yosuke, Oochi Masaya

[parcequecestnotreprojeeeet]

Hello! It's Winter. The PLAYBOY discussion today inspired me to write this little fic.

PLAYBOY

Before opening his eyes, Emmanuel reached across the bed to cuddle his wife; unfortunately, he was disappointed when he realized she wasn’t there. He groaned and slowly opened his eyes, ready for the morning sun to blind him through the sheer curtains. Brigitte’s side felt cold, indicating she had left a while ago. Grabbing his iPhone off the nightstand, he was shocked when he saw the current time. He had never slept so late in his adult life. 

After using the bathroom, he went to the kitchen to pour himself a cup of coffee. It was there that he discovered a handwritten note in the most beautiful writing: 

I went to the market. I’ll be back before 10. 

♥️ B

Emmanuel smiled when he heard the front door creak open, anxiously rushing off to greet his wife, not caring if the neighbours caught a glimpse of him wearing just his boxers. After a quick peck on the lips, he grabbed the brown paper bag from her arms. 

“Did you have a good sleep? It looked like you needed the rest, so I didn’t want to wake you.” Brigitte confessed. “You were snoring loudly too."

“I don’t think I’ve slept that late since I was a child.” He answered with a chuckle, placing another kiss on her lips. 

Setting the brown bag on the kitchen counter, he gasped when he saw the contents inside. Quickly, he yanked the magazine out of the bag and threw it on the table. 

“Brigitte! Why did you buy Playboy magazine?” 

Turning to face him, she answered calmly. “Please don't be mad but ….” 

He refused to let her finish, rudely interrupting her instead. “Our son is old enough to buy his own Playboy magazine! Did anyone see you purchase this filth at the check-out counter?” 

Brigitte anxiously ran her hands through her blonde hair, upset that her husband had interrupted her. “If you let me speak, I will explain that the magazine is not for our son. The Playboy is for me.” 

“You? Why?” Emmanuel asked, confused as to why his wife was suddenly interested in naked women.  

“Promise me you won’t be upset.” She waited for him to nod before she continued. “I was asked to pose for Playboy and I’m seriously considering it.” 

He gasped in horror, dramatically holding his chest. “You can’t be serious! Everyone will see you naked! No! No! I forbid it. How could you even consider doing something like this without asking me first?” 

“I resent that! I don’t need to ask your permission for anything. I’m a grown woman, capable of making my own decisions. Besides, I’m going to be 70 years old in 2 weeks. I was hoping this would make me feel sexy.” 

Emmanuel took a deep breath, trying his best to remain relaxed, but already feeling a stabbing pain in his chest. “Don’t I make you feel sexy? Isn’t my love enough for you? I guess not if you feel the need to show your body off in some tacky magazine! Our children and grandchildren will see these scandalous pictures! Strangers! Men all around the world will be seeing you the way I do! No! Absolutely not, I don’t want anyone else to see what’s mine! End of discussion.” 

She folded her arms across her chest. “You don’t own me! I’m your wife - not your property!” 

“And as my wife, I will not allow this! How the hell could you even consider this?” Emmanuel began to pace back and forth, ready to unleash more anger. Just as he was about to make another valid point, he heard her laugh. “Oh! You think this is funny?” 

She covered her mouth with her hands and giggled. “April Fools, Chérie!” 

He stood for a moment, slowly comprehending what she just said. “This is a joke? You were just teasing me?”

“Of course, it was a joke! I would never pose for Playboy. I just wanted to have some fun with you.” Brigitte jokingly tossed the magazine at him, “here, you can keep it.” 

Emmanuel threw it on the table and pulled her into his embrace. He quickly glanced at the cover before turning his nose up at the half-naked woman with her legs spread open. “I’m only interested in looking at you.” 

She reached inside his boxers and teasingly squeezed him. "How about we go upstairs and I'll pretend to be your Playboy bunny."

Hellooo Winter! ❤️

Brigittaaaaaa 😂 She sure knows out to get her man worked up... in all senses of the word hahahahaha and Emmanuel falling for it, the innocent child 😂

First she teases him, then she gets him to bed... that’s our sassy Queen! 😈

Thank you so much, Winter! ❤️❤️❤️