#it's giving perry the platypus taking off his hat

[ultimatebottom69]

For real though it was hilarious. Like he was such a nuce guy I actually went "Maybe it's not Malbonte but it would be fucking funny if it was." And then Fencunt stabbed us and yeah wow

wait, so his name is bont as in.....malbonte?? fr?? that's the best he could come up with- 😭🖐️

[mammalsofaction]

8

8. Perryshmirtz kissing... In secrecy

From our Prompt list here.

Forbidden Fruit

Rating: M

Relationship: Heinz Doofenshmirtz/Perry the Platypus

Add tags: established relationship, forbidden relationship, non graphic violence, canon typical violence, Perry's being monitored, Perry speaks,

A/N: I finished the draft for this months ago before a bunch of shit went down and I had a bad time. I've cleaned it up the best I can now that I have a bit of time to spare, so I hope the wait was worth it Nonnie.

"One last thing before you go, Agent P." Francis calls out, and there was something in his voice, Perry thinks. That makes his heart skip a beat. He has to ensure his face was perfectly neutral as he turns back to the screen of his lair to listen.

"We've had the RnD investigate into the odd cut-offs of your mission recordings, and Carl has made the executive conclusion they've been tampered with." The Major says carefully, his dark brown eyes almost subtly calculating. He clears his throat. "You wouldn't--ah--know anything about that, would you?"

Perry ensures to provide a thoughtful pause before firmly shaking his head. The Major hums.

"Well, get to the bottom of that, Agent P."

Perry gives Francis a characterically sharp salute, and jumps into the parked hoverjet on its designated landing. He watches the screen go black as the Major dismissively ends transmission, but it takes the whole flight over to DEI to calm his heart rate back down.

---

Their wrestling this time around had taken them into the open air balcony of the lab, and Perry knows Heinz had figured he's been off-key all morning. 

Heinz doesn't give him any less quarter nevertheless, and Perry's so out of it he'd almost given him an opening--or three.

He ducks sharply--just in time for the Phillips' screwdriver Heinz had been aiming for his head lodges into the wall behind him, and Perry takes that second of momentum to sweep the scientist's clumsy feet from under him, forcing them both into a barrel roll across the laboratory floor. Heinz grunts as Perry slams his head into the polished tiles, teeth barred.

"Where are you?" Heinz asked aloud, as if he couldn't help himself. Perry can feel his heartbeat, thumping a million miles per hour from beneath his palm pressed into Heinz's chest.

Perry's heart rockets into his throat, and he shakes his head, as subtly as he could. Equally impulsively, Heinz's eyes darts to the space above his head-on his hat-but it was only for a second. Brief enough to overlook. Heinz twists his lower body,  and Perry's vaulted a couple of feet away from the force of the kick into his abdomen.

"Target identified."

Shit.

Sure enough, when Perry turns to see, the nozzle of the Voiceless-Inator had begun to glow an ominous red, prepped and locked onto the podium where Roger would be presenting his early manifesto for the next Trimester Mayoral Election. Heinz had begun to cackle, an early celebration for what he's probably thought of as an easy win, but it isn't the first time Perry's had to make do with luck in the nick of time.

Perry rifles through his hat, fingers trailing over the seamless pockets stitched between the silk layers from within its crown. He rolls onto his feet, trusting his instincts to land him on what he needs from his trusty box of tools, and as the countdown nears its end, Perry tugs out a three piece compact mirror, poised right ahead of it's unnatural chemical beam.

"NO! WAIT! REDIRECTING THE CHARGE IS GOING TO MAKE IT-!"

BOOM!

Perry can feel his ears ringing from the volume of the ensuing explosion, and he feels himself thrown off by the force of compressed energy, saved by the familiar grip of an arm, hanging him over the balcony walls.

Perry coughs, spitting up black phlegm as Heinz grunts and yells and swears, pulling his weight up and over into the safety of the sooted foyer. The neighbours don't look twice anymore, and the residents beneath had smartly cleared away from any potential debris within the last few minutes.

Life in Danville will soon continue apace. For now, there is an unnatural silence as two men lay on their backs, heavily panting black smoke and the burnt smell of gasoline.

In the very distance, there is a joyous cry to mark the end of another successful manifesto with everyone's voices perfectly present. Only just marking the presence of a droning speech up until that very moment. There is more grunting, the heavy sound of steel elbows on hard tiles, before Perry finds himself looking up into a pair of concerned baby blue eyes, a narrow face and much beloved crooked aquiline nose.

Heinz looks him up and down, and Perry sees the relief that courses through him as he'd apparently found whatever he was looking for.

"There you are." He says, in a single breath, and Perry briefly closes his eyes as Heinz leans down, knocking their foreheads together so they could share breaths, heated and soot-stained. "Curse you, Perry the Platypus."

Heinz trails the tip of his nose down the line of his cheek, and Perry swallows so loudly that Heinz freezes, acknowledging the tension still present in his shoulders. Perry presses his hand into Heinz's chest, poised above his own. Allegedly to push him away, but he finds his hands clasped again right over where his heart should be, beating the rhythm of his favourite tune.

"It's gone." Heinz whispers, right into his ear. It tickles the hairs right above the back of his nape, and Perry shivers. "The explosion blew it off of the balcony, we're alone. It's alright."

His hat, gone, yes. He notices it now, the stark emptiness where the warmth of his fedora should be, and with it, OWCA's equivalent of a body cam.

This moment was their own. Finally, their own.

Perry inhales sharply, lips brushing against the smooth skin of Heinz's jaw. He shakes his head firmly, trembling.

"No?" Heinz asked.

"Almost-," Perry says softly, voice raspy from the soot and disuse. He cuts himself off, tries again. "He's...onto us. Heinz."

"Francis?" Heinz demanded, his own voice thick with incredulity. Further emphasizes as he leans higher, putting real space between them to express the sheer disbelief on his face, but when Perry whines from the cold of the sudden distance, he leans back down quickly, planting a quick kiss on Perry's chin that disorients him as efficiently as a punch.

"It's Carl." Perry corrects, and the confusion clears out in an instant. The agent clears his throat, preparing himself for a different sort of argument. "Heinz." Perry chides, as well as he could in state as dazed and lovesick as he was. The other man began to trail sweet little pecks over the length of his jaw, down the bowl of his collar, and back up the bridge of his nose. "Heinz. Listen. I-I think we have to-,"

Stop, Perry wants to say. Stop, stop, stop, but he captures Perry's lips in his own, his mouth wet, deep and hungry-and the noise that falls out of him is better akin to more, more, more.

"Heinz," Perry says, an ineffectual scolding between every intake of breath. As he pulls Perry's tongue into his own mouth, sucking, Perry feels his hips jolt involuntarily, one leg crossed behind the other man's back. "God, Heinz,"

"Gott, but you're feeling clingy." He answers, his voice making it sound like a compliment . Perry feels his hands, dexterous and desperate, pulling down the zipper right there on the balcony floor, in front of every neighbour and God himself, at three forty fucking five in the evening. He palms the straining tent peeking out the front of his trousers, and Perry chokes on his own breath. He knocks the back of his temple into the floor, gasping.

It was bold, mortifyingly so, particularly in the daring light of the evident scandal. A forbidden fruit Perry should have never let himself sample all those months ago, and now he had no way of turning back.

"I've got you, mausebär." Heins assures, leaving black smudges on his shirt, all the way down. Perry stuffs his fist in his mouth,  body burning hot with anticipation. "Hold on to me. Good boy."

Perry turns his gaze to the sky, relishes the brush of his air against his hair-bare and damning--and reminds himself that Eve had never regretted her mouthful, not even once.

[erizumon]

When Heinz is Happy

The park wasn't one of your favorite places to be, too many people, too much noise, kids running around here and there (you don't dislike them, but they distracted you a lot from your own thoughts)

But there were days where everything was better, demons don't torment you, the sensations of a phantom pain that never went away in your prosthetics weren't bothersome today.

So, it would be expected that you would take this perfect day to create some plan, maybe you could even take advantage of the presence of your nemesis to invite him to lunch, that makes the day better.

But you don't want to do that.

You're at peace.

Like you've never been before.

You're not even surprised when you feel someone sitting with you on the park bench, you didn't need to look out of the corner of your eye to know that your silent companion was none other than Perry the Platypus, who seemed curious at how calm you seemed to be this morning.

“Sometimes I wonder if Francis will stop being suspicious of me when I’m doing nothing”

Perry shrugs, but gives you a light smile, you were already used to this anyway.

“Did I ever tell you about the first time I brought Vanessa to this park?” you ask, as you stare straight ahead, an answer wasn’t needed, it was never needed between the two of you “I was five, we weren’t that close to here at the time and Charlene had insisted that it was time for my pumpkin to meet other kids” as she told the story, she pulled out of the pockets of her white coat some candy, passing Perry the ones with mint and sweet tea flavor.

You could hear Perry hum in appreciation, glad to remember that these were especially her favorites.

“I was against it, but Charlene insisted I was too overprotective,” you pause and laugh. “And yes, I was.”

You see Perry raise an eyebrow, you snort at him.

“Okay, okay, yeah, yeah, I still am, shut your eyes.”

You see him snort to hold back a silent laugh.

“Whatever,” you resume. “The thing was, Charlene couldn’t do it, so she asked me to bring her instead. I didn’t work, I stayed home, so I didn’t really have any excuses, and it’s not like I refused to take care of my baby, I just--… You know, I didn’t feel comfortable exposing her to the outside.”

You watch the kids play, the ghost of a memory taking on a life of its own, and you could perfectly see the first-time dad holding his daughter tightly. You smile, too afraid to take the first step.

Too hurt to allow his daughter to carry those same wounds.

“And then, she just took over the place, ran and joined the first group she saw and that's when I knew, Perry the Platypus, that my Vanessa was going to be okay”

That she always would be…

You feel a hand on your shoulder, which makes you turn around and you can see the sweet smile that she doesn't usually give you very often, but you treasure with all your heart, you smile back.

And she decides to accompany you in her silence to see the landscape.

But something changed, because Perry takes off his hat and without understanding how at first, he manages to put the hat away somewhere, if it weren't because you know beforehand that Perry the Platypus didn't move from his place, you wouldn't have been able to recognize him.

The hand that was previously holding your shoulder is now free of the watch that he always carried with him, today, he wouldn't be Perry the Platypus.

He would be Perry, just Perry.

They look into each other's eyes and Perry extends one of his hands, palm open, a simple invitation, but with a lot of weight behind it.

You accept.

They get up from the bench and walk through the park, holding hands, as if it were something natural that they've been doing all their lives and maybe, that could be true in other lives. You don't know, but you don't need to investigate too much. Then you talk, about everything that comes to mind.

You breathe, today is a good day.

And nothing will change that.

[iprefertheterminsane]

Take me Home (Where I Belong)

I'm almost finished with my domestic perryshmirtz 5+1, which I'm gonna upload to ao3 soon so here's a tease in the form of the first chapter!

Rating: G

Relationship: Perry the Platypus/Heinz Doofenshmirtz

Tags: Human Perry the Platypus, pre-slash, domesticity, Perry's moved in before they even stopped calling themselves enemies, it's normal to want to kiss the homies sometimes, right?, long suffering Charlene, Perry's got 4 kids actually and that fourth one is Vanessa, haha Perry the Platypus you are dating my father.

Even after having his plans foiled for the day, Heinz doesn’t let him drive home.

“Look at yourself, Perry the Platypus, you’re barely standing on your own two feet.” The scientist points out. He’s right, of course, not that Perry will let him the satisfaction of agreeing with him. It seems to mean less than little; Heinz had already buckled him back into the passenger seat of his truck with the tenacity of a father, and Perry is just barely conscious enough to comply- a bit dumbly, but the taller man does not seem to mind-without much of a fuss. He’s still talking, naturally. Perry has gotten so used to the chatter the droning had begun to take on an ambient sort of feeling, like brown noise. “-practically an accident waiting to happen. Honestly, you’d think Francis would want to try keeping his best agent alive-that agency is gonna do you in better than I would, one day.”

Perry considers giving up a token protest-he had gotten here with the hoverjet on auto-pilot; the routes between the lair and Doofenshmirtz Evil Inc. has long been keyed in as his defaults-but decides otherwise. He really was quite exhausted, surely it would be no bother to let Heinz drive him back to Evil Inc. where he’s parked. Why waste fuel when a cheaper of transport was on offer? The Major has particularly been going on and on lately about turning the office more green and saving energy, no doubt one of their latest efforts to cut costs-so he was doing the agency a favor, really. He trusted that Heinz was a reliable enough driver when they’re neither forced to undergo the serial killing obstacle course that was the Drusselsteinian Driving Test Route.

He would sleep in just until Heinz gets them back home. Decision made, he lets himself rest his eyes.

00..00

“Up, up, up, Perry the Platypus you don’t really expect me to carry you up the stairs do you-,”

“-Ok, here we go, sit here-no, no, don’t lay down just yet you need to take your shoes off Perry the Heathenpuss-,”

“-I am not letting you sleep in the corset of a waistcoat Perry the Platypus, wow is this Kevlar? No wonder you can stand my Titanium punches-Ok uppies, I should probably help you take this tie off too, huh? They could strangle you in your sleep, y’know, nuff said, if nuff was-y’know, me-it’s so weird to see you so biddable, Perry the Platypus-,”

“-ok, last thing Perry the Platypus, yes I promise, just need to help you get under the covers, alright? Now, isn’t that better? Aw, look at how cute you look, Perry the Platypus, like a little angel-,”

“Good night, Perry the Platypus.”

00..00

Perry snorts awake in the penthouse guest room with the covers pulled up to his chin, blinking against the light of the setting sun from behind the half-shaded curtains facing east of Danville.

He isn’t sure what’s woken him, but finds himself unable to go back to sleep. This was probably a good thing-he’s never stayed behind in Doofenshmirtz Evil Inc. for so long without making his excuses before, and the clock shows that he’s nearly late for dinner back at the Flynn-Fletcher’s household. He’ll have no trouble flying home now, he feels perfectly well-rested.

Rising to his feet, he finds himself underdressed. His hat rests on the right-hand nightstand, right next to his sleeping head, and the rest of his clothes-vest, tie and shoes-draped carefully over the chair that looks like it’s been dragged over from the kitchen, positioned right next to the room’s entryway, deliberately left ajar. He shoves the hat back over his head and toes his shoes back on, but blinks deliberately at the rest of his attire. They are, of course, crucial parts of his armour, but what was to fear for stepping out without them? Heinz’s scheme was thwarted for the day, and lest the man was suddenly overcome with another plan while Perry was out, which he sincerely doubts, Heinz would not have reason to attack him out of the blue, and certainly not out of armour. He was obsessed with playing fair, and acting by the book. As far as they are both concerned, they were now both off the clock.

Perry decides to take the clothes and fold them over his arm, but he steps out without putting them on- the vest tends to cinch, which he tolerates, but not without reason-and goes to search for his host to make his goodbyes.

It’s easy enough to find him; Heinz is in the kitchen, naturally, making dinner for himself, with Norm at the dining table carefully slicing vegetables and making prep; something doughy, it seems. Perry wonders if it’s pie-Heinz makes wonderful doonkleberry pie. He rests his hips against the doorjamb, and chatters his teeth to make his presence known, a noise Heinz is well familiar with. It cuts off the man’s mindless chatter, and he beams. Perry can’t help his own answering smile.

"Ah, Perry the Platypus!” He crows. “Just in time for dinner! I don’t suppose you mind setting the table, just need to give me another couple of minutes-,” he cuts himself off as he sees Perry shaking his head, and Perry signs, regretfully, that he has to make himself scarce.

“YOU AREN’T STAYING FOR DINNER?” Norm asks, as despairingly as his cheerful-sounding robotic voice could make it sound. His mouth is down turned.

“Yes, it’s already so late, Perry the Platypus, surely your report could wait a couple of more hours.” Heinz adds, cajoling. “I worry you know, a man has to eat homemade meals every couple of days, else you tend to get sick to the stomach. I don’t know if you cook. I’ve made lemon pie for dessert.” Heinz sing-songs enticingly at the end, and Perry has to admit it’s persuasive. The man really does have a knack for baking.

But he’s already missed out on family dinner yesterday, due to making up for Agent G’s maternity leave, and the Flynn-Fletchers would worry if he missed out on another. He knows for a fact Linda’s made her award-winning meatloaf tonight, and hedgehog cake for supper. He’d hate on missing out on the treat for the world.

He’s halfway through realizing he’s said it out loud, ‘I have homemade meals at home,’ before he freezes, taking in Norm’s and Heinz’s curious blinks, and his hands pause abruptly, letting the sentence trail off awkwardly. He could see from the look on Heinz’s face that he was curious, mouth opening as if to pose a question, but seems to ultimately decide against it. They’ve both scrambled enough of the expected norms of their Villain-to-Spy nemesis-ship today, and crossing the line to figuring out Perry’s home life seems a midge too far, even for them.

Heinz hums, and changes the subject. “Are you really driving home fully dressed like that?”

Perry looks down at himself. ‘What’s wrong with what I’m wearing?’

“Nothing, which is my point. You could just leave them here, you know, they’re all dirty, Norm can run them through with the rest of the day’s laundry, and you can pick them up tomorrow. It’s weird to see you all dressed down, you know, but not bad weird, a good weird, makes me feel like a good host. That’s how you know you’re an adult sometimes, ugh, just listen to me talk about good hosting etiquette, Vanessa never has to worry about that sort of thing you know, even though she should. I hope Charlene’s teaching her.”

Perry’s wandered over to the coffee machine at this point, using context clues to figure out how it works and avoiding the large red button in a transparent case on the right-hand side of it’s case. He taps it, and churrs again.

“Oh, coffee! That’s a good idea, Perry the Platypus, some strong caffeine to help drive you through that traffic, I bought this travel mug for you!” Heinz hands him a short and stout chrome and teal travel mug with a silicone top and an anti-slip base. “I saw that color while scrolling through Etsy while I was looking at bento-boxes for this scheme I’m cooking up next week-oop, forget I said that Perry the Platypus, no spoilers! It reminded me of you! But the travel mugs aren’t related, it was just in the same shop, I love travel mugs, especially these newer novelty ones, you know there were never any novelty items back in Drusselstein, on account of the state largely frowning on any sort of color or patterns-,”

Perry churrs again, twisting the top of his cup back on and pointing out the door. Heinz visibly deflates.

“Oh, right, yes, leaving, of course, Perry the Platypus, let me just let this simmer and walk you to the door-and leave the clothes with Norm, Perry the Platypus, I’ve told you, you can come to fetch them tomorrow.”

Heinz helps hold the mug for him while he gets himself settled back in the hoverjet, and the clock on his dash informs him he should reach the house just in time to reach the Flynn Fletchers begin dinner if he rushed. Heinz leans forward to hand him the travel mug, leaving them close, just close enough that Perry feels the ridiculous urge to-maybe-leave a soft kiss on the other man’s cheek, the way Lawrence does when Linda was about to leave the house for the errand of the day.

Heinz doesn’t seem to notice, mumbling about setting the mug just right into the cupholder behind the handlebar, because it was hot, Perry the Platypus, we wouldn’t want a repeat of the driving test incident, do we? When Perry switches the jet on, Heinz waves. Perry, inexplicably, tips his hat back in return.

It isn’t until he’s 15 minutes away from the house that he realizes he really had left his vest and tie behind at Doofenshmirtz Evil Inc. He hopes Heinz doesn’t plan to do anything inadvisable with them.

For some reason, Perry doesn’t believe that he will.

[zhaliacain]

Huntikmas day 1- What flexi-fidgets I'd give to each of the team

told you this would be random, this is my second attempt at posting this because Tumblr went funny on my phone and I've had to rewrite, so lets see how this goes.

Lok:

Going with a Perry the platypus, for one because they have the hat in common. I feel like Lok would get a kick out of the whole Perry the platypus character as well as its uses as a fidget toy. I can see him taking it on missions (aka adventures) and then at home taking the hat off and feigning ignorance oh his platypuses secret identity.

Dante:

The Phoenix... a bit on the nose but it was that or a panther and it's the closest one to Solwing. I can see Dante having this on his desk at the council for when he's stressed and he absentmindedly plays fiddles with it proving the comfort he would have got from the real thing.

Sophie

Going with a dragon for Sophie because of the whole book dragon vibe. I feel like Sophie would love reading the Neverending Story and she says that 'the films okay compared to the book' but really it emotionally devastated her so she's got Falkor to sit with her whilst she reads.

Zhalia:

Enough said. Obviously Zhalia doesn't want this but once it goes in her bag, it never comes out again. It just floats around forgotten, but always present.

Den:

Of course Den's got one of these things. He thinks he's cool, he's not.

Harrison:

Harrison was difficult because he'd be like Zhalia and adamantly not want one, but he clearly needs one. Instead I've compromised between being edgy and still cute and he's got a spooky bat. The whole bat thing also goes well with the whole Vampire Antedeluvian thing because boy did he powerbond quick.

Cherit:

They could be twins. Maybe slightly angrier but arguably Cherit is the same size as a flexi fidget and I desperately want a flexi fidget of him (and all of the titans but especially Cherit). Cherit doesn't exactly have pockets and it's the same size as him but he can paint it white and leave it places he's supposed to be.

[chanceofwhat]

I have a cold and I’m miserable so I’m rewatching my favorite childhood show, Phineas and Fuckin’ Ferb.

I’m low key live-blogging to my bff so I might as well put some here. I started at season 2 because that’s what google says is the best season and I think it’s right.

- Doofenshmirtz has so much trauma and OWCA agents are therapists. He just sits there and eats wings with Perry and talks about how sad he is that he can’t come up with anything evil, then in the aglets episode Perry gives him the delete button to get rid of the embarrassing video, and when the evil plan doesn’t work he comes right back to Perry and says “I have an ouchie… in here” pointing to his HEART IM GONNA CRY DOOOOOOF

- Perry the Platypus makes that little sound intentionally. It doesn’t mean anything. It’s just a sound. Like when I hum at people. It has no translatable meaning, just tone.

- Candace is so stubborn. But she does love her brothers. She gets so mad about the aglets thing, but with Nessy Nosie, she looks at her brother’s puppy eyes and immediately agrees to throw away the evidence she wanted. Then she meets the ACTUAL MYTHICAL MONSTER and doesn’t even care, is just stubborn about it.

- “HAHAHA, IT WORKED! Your miracle growth elixir has turned you into GIANT NERDS!”

- I do enjoy the flawless girl thing. Beauty/cosmetic thing with a whole bunch of cosmetics to make insecure teenagers feel the need to buy a whole bunch of products to look “perfect” but it’s very hyperbolized so it’s clearly visible to be bad, and I’m sensing a moral about that as well. Heck yea. As I’m typing, we’re reaching the end of the episode and yea, “you both make money off of people’s natural insecurities!” Good moral.

- “Oh, that’s our sister… our -chuckles- Big sister.” (She drank the growth elixir)

- (she shrinks back while approaching her mom) “I’m back to normal!” “Normal being a… relative term.”

- why are Baljeets parents so… the way they are. I feel so bad for Baljeet. He’s got that Smart Kid Pressure ™ and can’t escape from it. Except in that one episode… but I haven’t gotten there yet.

- “oh my gosh, the square root of soon… is never.”

- “doofenshmirtz 🎶quality 🎵bratwurst”

- “Make this fish put me down!” “It’s a mammal, Candace!”

- “Your hot dog is no match… for my BRATWURST!” (No but the way Perry just keeps a hot dog in his hat that he summoned like a wizard summons a broom) (the way they’re swordfighting and Doof just takes a bite of Perry’s blade)

-Ferb is so autism

- “You know what they say: if you love something, set it free.” “We do that every day with Perry— oh, there you are, Perry!”

[pookha]

Speed dating, slow burning

A Phineas and Ferb fanfiction. Rated T.

Doctor Doofenshmirtz/Flo from Progressive, Crack taken Seriously

Heinz thinks it's just going to be another disastrous night of speed dating, but he meets Flo and they start a whirlwind romance that takes them to different cities and takes each of them out of their self-doubt and into a new love.

This came about because my wife mentioned once that it would be funny because he was always mistaken for a pharmacist and Flo had commercials where she was mistaken for a baker.

The bell rang and the lady sitting across from Dr Heinz Doofenshmirtz got up and moved to the next table. Heinz watched her depart and sighed. He knew neither of them would be marking the other as a match. A few seconds later, a dark-haired woman with a retro hairstyle tied back with a blue ribbon sat down across from him. Her white button up shirt had a nametag on it that read, ‘Flo’ and another button that read ‘I Love Insurance.’

“I’m Heinz,” he said and held out his hand. Flo smiled widely, showing very white straight teeth.

“Flo,” she said and took his hand. They shook briefly.

“So, you’re an evil scientist?” she asked with legitimate curiosity.

“ Ex- evil scientist: I’m just a scientist now.” He laughed.

“Oh, what made you change?” she asked.

“It’s a very long story that involves my nemesis, now my best friend, but we don’t have time for a long backstory now.” He waved his hand and some chorus dancers that had been lurking in the shadows of the bar moved back from the table to their hiding spaces. Flo didn’t notice them approaching or Heinz dismissing them.

“Most people think I’m a pharmacist,” he said and she smiled.

“Mara told me about you on the last break.” She pointed at a woman sitting at a table across from a handsome man.

“Huh, maybe she’ll hit it off with him; we didn’t vibe at all.” Heinz laughed again.

“Yeah, she’s a bit snarky and it’s not for everyone.”

“So, you sell insurance.”

“Yeah. Most people mistake me for a baker, especially when I have my apron on.” She grinned.

“Well, the button is a giveaway…also, Mara told me what she did and that you were with her.”

“What brings you to Danville?” he asked after a very short pause.

“We’re here for an insurance conference and then we’re going to film a commercial. I started off as a cashier at our virtual store and now I’m a spokesperson who goes from place to place and gives talks. I’m also in the television commercials.”

“It sounds lonely,” Heinz said before he thought.

“Sorry, I overstepped,” he said.

“Nah, it is,” she replied and thought for a second.

“It’s hard to make a connection when you’re always on the move. I think that’s why Mara and I came out tonight.” She sighed.

“How about you?” she asked.

“Well, I’m divorced and have a teenage daughter…I guess technically she’s an adult now, but she’s staying at home until she goes back to college this fall. I invent things and now I’m trying to invent time travel because my future self told me I will.”

He looked up at her, expecting to see doubt, but she looked interested.

“You don’t think that’s crazy?” he asked.

She shook her head.

“In just the three days we’ve been in the Tri-State Area, I’ve seen a giant robot attacking a cruise ship get stopped by a platypus wearing a hat and a mustachioed alien in a U.F.O talking to a couple of young men, so it seems like weird is just normal here.”

She put her hand over his on the table.

“You seem weird, but a good weird.”

“That platypus used to be my nemesis. Now we work together when we can. I helped him take down that robot. You think I’m bragging too much”

She shook her head and pointed at his watch.

“The platypus…”

“Perry the platypus,” he interrupted and she smiled again.

“The platypus had the same watch on when he tipped his hat to me after destroying the robot.”

The bell dinged. Her hand was still on his and it was warm. She squeezed it before she got up and moved to the next table. Heinz watched her make a mark on her card. He marked the ‘match’ square and then another woman sat down across from him. He turned his attention to her, but it didn’t go well. Neither did any of the other speed dates. He only had one ‘match’ marked on his card, but he doubted that Flo had matched with him.

The round ended and it was over. He turned in his card to the director. She consulted another card, smiled and said, “You’ve got a match this time, Heinz.” It was the first time he’d marked a match and had it reciprocated. The director pointed at Flo, who saw and waved at Heinz. Heinz’s heart beat a bit faster. He wiped his sweaty hands on his lab coat before he went to Flo.

“Heinz!” she said and hugged him. He returned it awkwardly, patting her back as he hugged her. She released him.

“So…” he paused.

“Let’s go out for dinner,” she said, taking his hand. “What’s good around here?”

“Have you ever had Drusselsteinian food?” he asked and she shook her head.

“Good, let’s not get any, I grew up eating it and it’s mostly awful.”

“Oh, you’re from Drusselstein?”

He nodded and noticed she was still holding his hand.

“There’s a nice Italian place around the corner that we won’t need reservations for. I eat there sometimes and it’s good.”

“Okay, I’m just going to let Mara know where I am.” She squeezed his hand and Heinz’s heart flip-flopped again. She went and talked to Mara for a moment. Mara eyed Heinz suspiciously, and he remembered his speed date with her. Flo laughed at something Mara said and Heinz discovered he already liked Flo’s laugh; it was warm and genuine. She left Mara and came back to Heinz. She took his hand again and he was happy that his hand wasn’t sweating like it usually did when he was on a date.

“Let’s go,” she said.

It was a warm summer evening, so neither of them needed a jacket. He led her out of the hotel bar and around the corner to a small restaurant with a sign over it that read ‘Gio’s authentic Italian cuisine.’ It was dark inside with the tables lit by candles in red jars. The whole place had a run-down 70’s vibe, but it smelled amazing.

“I know it’s not much to look at, but the food is good and the service is fine.”

The hostess at the front saw Heinz and said, “Table for two, Heinz?” She looked down at their still intertwined hands.

“Yes, please.” The hostess led them to a dark booth in the corner. Heinz chuckled.

“What’s so funny?” Flo asked, sitting across from him.

“This is the table where they like to put couples on dates. I’ve never sat here before.” He pointed at a two-top by the front window.

“I usually sit there. Sometimes Vanessa, my daughter, comes with me and we still sit at the small table by the window.”

The waitress sat down menus and water in front of them and they ordered. While they were waiting for their appetizers they made small talk about family. Heinz told her about his brother Roger, the mayor. He mentioned he’d always been jealous of Roger and how he had tried to keep taking over the Tri-State area, but had finally moved on with therapy. He thought he’d said too much, but Flo nodded.

“Therapy helps,” she said and told him about her sister and family and how no matter what she did, it never seemed to be enough, even after becoming semi-famous on television. Their food came and the conversation turned to food and drink, then back to each other as the meal progressed. Flo was a good listener and Heinz never felt like he went too far with his past, but he carefully didn’t mention much of his childhood in Drusselstein. The chorus dancers walked by outside, but he caught the leader’s eye in the window and waved them off subtly: no backstory song and dance today, don’t want to scare Flo off. They left with the leader making a ‘pay me’ motion with her hand and Heinz nodded.

“So, what’s up with the dancers?” Flo asked. Of course she’d noticed.

“They’re on retainer to provide back-up singing and dancing during my backstory song, but we don’t need that today.” He chuckled nervously and Flo put her hand on his again.

“It’s okay, I like you, you’re interesting. Do you sing a lot for backstory?”

“I used to, but it’s a lot less common now. I don’t know how or when my life became a musical.” He sighed and she squeezed his hand.

“Television life is weird and meta, too, so I get it. Sometimes I wonder how my life became what it is.” He squeezed her hand and she didn’t pull back.

The waitress brought Tiramisu for dessert and placed it between them.

“We didn’t order this,” Heinz said.

“It’s on the house, Heinz, you’re a good customer and a good tipper.” She grinned and he knew she was enjoying being a bit of a wingman.

“Thank you,” he said. The waitress put down two forks. Flo laughed when she saw.

“Do you mind sharing it?” she asked and he shook his head. She grabbed a fork and took a bite.

“It’s delicious.” She picked up another piece and offered it to Heinz on her fork. He leaned forward and took the bite off the fork.

“It is good,” he said. “My daughter likes it, but I usually get spumoni if I want dessert. At least somewhat because spumoni is fun to say. Spumoni! Spumoni!”

Flo laughed again, which jiggled the fork and she got a blob of whipped cream on her nose. Heinz held up a napkin for her and she took it and wiped it off.

They finished the tiramisu, one taking a bite then the other. They talked about some of the places they’d been in common and they both said how much they liked Seattle.

“It’s not just the coffee,” Flo joked and Heinz laughed.

“It’s also not rainy all the time, just mostly in the fall, winter and spring.”

“So 75% of the time,” Flo said and this time Heinz laughed.

“Where are you off to next?” he asked.

“San Francisco, then L.A. We’re going to film a commercial on location and then finish up on a soundstage.”

They finished their meal and the waitress let them talk for a long time before offering coffee, which they both declined.

“I’ve got to get up early for an interview before the conference tomorrow, then we’re going to the airport.”

“I can’t have coffee this late,” Heinz said.

They both reached for the check, but Heinz got it first.

“Split?” Flo offered.

“Nah, I’ve got it.” He pulled out a black Amex and paid.

“That’s invite only,” Flo said, nodding at the card.

“What? This?” Heinz said, baffled.

“Yeah, it’s like for the super-rich. Are you a billionaire?”

Heinz snorted, laughed, then snorted again.

“No, not a billionaire. I get some money from my inventions and some from the alimony from my ex.”

The waitress returned and he held the card out so Flo could see it. She took it curiously, then handed it back.

“Sorry, that makes it seem like I’m a gold-digger.”

“Nah, I didn’t get that, you just seemed curious.”

They left and as they reached the door, she took his hand again.

“If I were here another night, I’d say let’s go out tomorrow, but the best I can do is give you my number.”

He put her number in his phone and she did the same with his. He sent her a test text and it went through and she returned with a smiley face emoji.

“I’ve got to go to bed now, Heinz, but I had a good time.” She leaned forward and pecked his cheek. He reciprocated and thought he saw a small blush on her neck near the collar of her shirt.

“I had a good time, too. I hope to hear from you.” She squeezed his hand one last time and went around the corner back to her hotel.

Heinz touched his cheek where she’d kissed him and then slowly walked back to his building. He made sure to Venmo the dancers and gave them a large tip. When he got home, Vanessa popped her head out of her room.

“Hey, Dad, how’d it go tonight?” she asked in a slightly defeated voice. She knew how his dates usually went.

“Great!” he said. “I met a really nice woman named Flo and we exchanged numbers.”

His phone dinged and he looked at it.

I really did have a good time tonight. The best in a while. I’ll text you from SF 😘

He texted back quickly.

Looking forward to it.

He debated for a moment before adding an animated gif of the moon rising over the Golden Gate bridge.

He looked up from his phone and Vanessa had come completely out of her room.

“That was her texting me from her hotel. She said she had a good time, too and will text from San Francisco in the next few days.”

“Nice, dad. Glad you had a good time. I’ll be in here if you need me.” She started to pull her head back.

“Love you, sweetie,” Heinz said and she stuck her head back out.

“Love you, too, dad.”

Heinz went to bed and sat with his phone on his chest for a long time, just looking at the kissy-face emoji. He wanted to text Flo again, but decided it would seem too desperate.

Two days later he was working on a Time Dilator-inator with Norm when his phone buzzed. He sighed, expecting it was Major Monogram or Carl with some problem at OWCA, but it was a text from Flo.

Ugh, shooting delayed for two days. Now I have a whole day in SF, but no one to share it with. Wish you were here for a 2nd date.

Heinz texted back immediately.

I can be there in 30 if you want.

His heart thumped and Norm shouted, “Abnormal sinus rhythm detected!”

“Shut up Norm!” Heinz yelled back, watching the “…” of Flo typing.

“Just doing my job,” Norm said. Even with his robotic voice, Heinz could tell he was pouting.

“Sorry, Norm, it’s just Flo texting me.” She was still typing.

“It’s okay, sir, I’ll just stop telling you when your heart rate is abnormal.” Norm clunked away, tossing down a monkey-wrench petulantly. Heinz was watching Norm retreat and missed when Flo had texted back.

Are you in SF? Not in Danville? How can you be here so fast? Would love it if it were true.

Heinz took a photo of an inator in the corner and sent it with a message.

I invented a Teleport-inator a long time ago and it still works just fine. Give me your address and I can be there in 30

His phone rang. The caller ID said it was Flo.

“Heinz,” he said, answering.

“It’s Flo. You’re not joking?”

“Nope, I just need to clean up and I can be there as quick as quick can be.”

“I’m staying at the Omni International, room 1214. Look forward to seeing you.”

“I’ll be there soon. Want me to bring anything?”

“Nah, we’ll make a day of it.”

“Okay, bye.”

“Bye.”

She hung up and he double-checked the Teleport-inator. It was still in good shape and it powered on when he plugged it in. He went and cleaned up and changed into jeans and a blue OWCA polo shirt that just had their non-acronym stitched over the pocket. He texted Vanessa that he was going to San Francisco and she texted back that she wanted some Ghirardelli chocolates. He laughed.

A few minutes later he stood in front of the inator. He triple-checked the coordinates, and pushed the button. There was a flash, he was disoriented for a moment and then he found himself in San Francisco. A passerby stopped and stared until Heinz walked away, then the man walked off at a quick pace, rubbing his eyes.

Heinz walked a block to the Omni International and went up to room 1214. He paused before knocking and checked his breath. He sighed, squared his shoulders and knocked. Flo’s voice came from inside.

“Just a moment!”

She opened the door a few seconds later. She looked different; she was wearing jeans and a Kelly Green shirt with a braided silver bead necklace. She wasn’t wearing her trademark red lipstick and her hair was covered with a blue kerchief. She must have noticed Heinz noticing.

“This is me without makeup,” she said. “Disappointed?”

“No, you’re lovely.”

“Aw, thanks. She pulled him into her room and hugged him.

“Seriously, you teleported here?” she asked as she broke the hug. She sat at the little chair in front of the desk.

“Sure, it’s pretty simple. Easier than time travel, anyway.” She laughed and he looked around the room. The hotel was nice, but not a luxury 5-star hotel.

“What would you like to do?” he asked and he sat on the bed.

She raised her eyebrow at him and he quickly stammered, “No-no, I wasn’t suggesting…hanky-panky. It was just a good place to sit.”

“Nah, just teasing you. I didn’t think you were implying that.” She tossed a pamphlet at him.

“How about Ghirardelli Square. It looks touristy and I don’t get to do touristy stuff much.”

“Oooh, perfect! Vanessa wanted me to pick up some Ghirardelli chocolate for her. I think she’s been here with a school group.”

“Cool, I’m ready now if you are, unless you’re tired from your flight.”

This time, he laughed and she laughed with him. He stood and so did she. She leaned past him to pick up her purse off the bed and he could smell her perfume. It reminded him of vanilla and summer peaches.

They took a cab down to Ghirardelli square and got out to walk. Even though it was summer, a stiff, cool breeze came in from the bay. They walked around looking at the shops and watched a mime for a moment until Heinz told Flo about the time he’d made a Mime-Inator and trapped all the mimes in the Tri-state area in invisible boxes.

“But, fortunately Perry the Platypus foiled me before I could trap everyone in invisible boxes. Man, I was a different person then.”

She took his hand, squeezed it and pulled him away from the mime.

“What made you change?” she asked.

Heinz paused in thought for a long time.

“I realized that I wasn’t doing anything useful or leaving a legacy that meant anything. I originally wanted my daughter, Vanessa, to follow in my footsteps and be evil, but I saw that she has a little bit of that evil and I could picture her becoming a megalomaniacal villain like I was trying to be and it just hit me that it was a waste. I started working with the group that always foiled me and after my penthouse was destroyed I lived with a very nice family that helped me change, too.”

“Is the group named OWCA?” she asked.

He blinked and she pointed at his shirt.

“Oh, yeah, but I didn’t tell you that, because it’s a secret organization.”

“So secret that they put their acronym on a shirt?”

Heinz smiled widely.

“They don’t have an acronym, they’re the Organization Without a Cool Acronym.”

Flo laughed so hard she had to pause and lean her head on Heinz. His chest burned where she leaned on him.

“No acronym,” she wheezed. “Oxymoron.”

She finally stopped laughing, but kept her head leaning on his side slightly as they walked the square hand in hand. They made small talk and he learned that she’d been in an improv troupe in college that had a big comedy star in it and she heard how he’d been raised by ocelots at one point.

“Ooo, let’s do that.” She pointed at an indoor miniature golf course.

“Okay,” Heinz agreed and they went in. It was fairly empty and they picked up their putters and balls. Heinz hit a hole in one on the first hole and Flo kissed him on the cheek in congratulations.

“Too much?” she asked.

“Nah,” Heinz said.

They played their round, stopping at the ‘turn’ for a corndog and a soda, then finished their round. Flo beat him by three strokes and she asked him if he let her.

“No way,” he said.

“I just thought maybe because you hit the hole in one on the first hole,” she said.

“I was just lucky, like when I sat down across from you.” Heinz smiled a genuine smile and he liked how he was smiling more now already.

They walked through all the shops and in one particularly touristy one, he crushed a penny in a machine that stamped the Golden Gate on it. He gave it to Flo and she put it in a pocket. She bought a glass paperweight that was slightly cloudy and said it contained ‘100% authentic San Francisco fog.’ She gave it to Heinz and he rubbed it on his shirt before he put it back in the bag. After a while, they went into a bar that was styled as an English pub.

They went to the bar and Flo ordered a Guinness and Heinz had a soda.

“Do you not drink?” she asked as they sat down at an open table.

“Very little,” he said. “I just don’t like it; it’s not some moral thing.”

“You don’t mind if I do?” she asked.

He shook his head.

“So, since I already know about OWCA and Perry the Platypus, can you tell me more about it?”

“Not anything more than they stop people who need stopping; I can’t give you any details. Sorry.” He wiped his brow.

“Is it warm in here?” he asked.

“Hmm, maybe a little.” Her foot bumped his leg under the table.

“Nope that made it hotter,” he said and she laughed, but pulled back her foot.

“Sorry,” she said and laughed again. Heinz noticed she was laughing a lot around him and he tried to remember if that was a good sign or not. He decided her smile definitely was.

“No need to be sorry. I just think it’s been a long time since I’ve been on a date with a beautiful woman and it wasn’t a disaster.”

“Oh?”

He told her about the time he’d invented boots that helped him square dance to impress a date and how it went wrong. She laughed at all the right spots. She told him about the time she went out with a movie star and figured out he was just trying to distract the paparazzi from his real date, who he met at the bar in the VIP section and left Flo on her own.

“Wow! Want me to hit that guy with my ugly-inator?” Heinz asked, half-seriously. Flo looked at his face carefully, trying to figure out if he meant it or not.

“No, please don’t. It seems like something you would have left behind.”

Heinz sighed.

“It is, but sometimes you still want to give people their just desserts.”

“I get that. I really do, but karma will catch up to him,” Flo said.

“Speaking of dessert, do you want to get dinner? It’s a bit early, but that corndog wasn’t really much.”

“Sure, I’ll go to the bar and see if they do table service.” She got up, went to talk to the bartender and came back a moment later with menus. She handed one to Heinz.

“Looks like it’s traditional British fare.”

“Oh, sorry,” Heinz said, and she laughed again.

“I like shepherd’s pie and they have a few American things, too.”

After they’d ordered their food (shepherd’s pie for Flo and a plain cheeseburger for Heinz) they talked easily until it arrived. Flo ate hers with gusto, taking the mash off each bite first, then eating the meat and veggies under it next. Heinz picked at his burger and fries.

“Not good?” Flo asked.

“Just nervous still, I think.” He sighed.

“I always think I’m going to do or say something to wreck it. I guess it’s a type of impostor syndrome where I don’t think I deserve good things like a nice date with a beautiful woman who laughs at my jokes and thinks I’m okay.”

She put her hand over his again.

“If it helps, think of it as karma for trying to change. I feel it, too. It’s hard for me to get along with the sort of men I meet where it seems like they always just want a quick bang and then they know I’ll be moving on. I want more, but being on the move is hard. You having a teleporter makes it easier. Also, you don’t seem like you just want to get in my pants.”

“I mean, I do want that, maybe, but not until we get to know each other more. I’m just not wired to sleep together on the first or second date,” Heinz said. He turned his hand upright in hers and squeezed it.

“See that’s nice. It’s a nice change.” She returned the squeeze and they finished their meal. The talk was lighter now, avoiding hard topics. Heinz actually finished all his fries and most of his burger. There was hardly a drip of gravy left in Flo’s bowl.

Heinz started to pay, but Flo insisted on getting the tab this time.

“I have money, too.”

He half-bowed to her.

“Thank you.”

As they walked out back into the square, the red sun over the bay was still fairly high. Heinz’s watch beeped and he looked at it, then excused himself for a moment. He walked a short distance away, but Flo could still hear him.

“Yes, I’m in San Francisco. No, I’m on a date. Yes, a date. I’ll be back later tonight.”

He paused and listened

“I used one of my old inators to teleport here.”

He listened again and laughed.

“I’ll tell her. See you later, Carl.”

He walked back to Flo.

“Work?” she asked.

“Yeah, they need me to look at something that may have been made by an evil scientist and see what it was part of.” He glanced at his watch again.

“Do you need to leave right away?”

He shook his head.

“Let’s get your daughter her chocolate then, in case you have to leave suddenly.” She took his hand and guided him to the chocolate shop.

“They don’t manufacture it here any more, do they?” she asked.

He shook his head.

“No, it’s all made somewhere else now, but they still have their premier storefront here.”

They shopped the store together and took a few samples from the salesperson. Heinz bought two packages of sea salt dark chocolate caramels and one of solid milk chocolates. Flo bought mint filled dark chocolates.

They went to sit on a bench in the shade and he gave Flo the extra bag of sea salt chocolate.

“For me?” she asked and he nodded.

“Thank you.”

They shared some chocolate on the bench and she leaned her head on his shoulder. His watch made a noise again, but he didn’t look at it.

“Work again?”

“No, it was my health monitor.” He laughed, then shifted so she could see the face of the watch.

Abnormal sinus rhythm detected, sir. Yes, I know, shut up.

She laughed, then lifted her head off his shoulder and he turned to look at her. She lifted her head slightly and their lips met. Her hand slid behind his head when he tried to pull back and he relaxed into the kiss. Her lips were salty from the chocolate, and so warm. The kiss lasted for only a few seconds. His watch made a noise again and he started to laugh.

“You make my heart thump,” he said. She took his hand and put it over her breast and he could feel her heart beating fast, too.

“Ditto,” she said.

“I had a good time today,” she said standing. She helped Heinz up.

“Me too.” He leaned in for a kiss this time and she returned it. It was a kiss that promised more in the future.

“I do have to go. I’ll text you tomorrow?”

She smiled.

“Text me tonight and tomorrow.”

“I will. Stand back a few feet.”

She stepped back and he touched his watch. Not even a second later he disappeared with a small pop of displaced air and a smell of ozone.

Her phone dinged.

Safe at home

She texted back.

Glad to hear it. I’ll think of you later while I’m eating this chocolate.

She took a cab back to her hotel and later sat in her bath with a book and the chocolates. She did think of Heinz while she was eating them and wished he was there.

At the same time, Heinz was at OWCA headquarters looking at a robot’s head that Perry had torn off.

“Yep, it’s Rodney’s work all right. I’ll make you a targeted EMP device that should only take out his electronics since he uses his own bespoke components.”

He worked on it for several hours and then took a break. He texted Flo.

Late night. Sorry if you’re already asleep. Texting like I promised. Hope to see you sometime soon. XOXO

She didn’t respond and when Heinz looked at the time, he realized it was 2am on the west coast. He sighed and went back to work. Carl brought him a coffee.

They texted and facetimed a few times over the next two weeks. Flo was always busy, on the move from city to city, sometimes filming, sometimes presenting at a conference. Heinz helped foil Rodney’s plans and then went to Paris to help rebuild a bit of a superconducting supercomputer there that had been damaged by an alien attack. When he was done, Heinz took a photo of the Eiffel Tower.

Next time I’m here, I want to take you to the top of the tower. The view of Paris is incredible.

She texted him photos of the Space Needle and the Gateway Arch and said she wanted him there.

Finally, almost a month later they met up again in Chicago. They took in a Cubs game at Wrigley and then went to the museum of Science and Industry. He took her on the coal mine tour there. That night, the goodbye kiss outside her hotel room lingered. Heinz could tell she was considering inviting him in.

“Tell you what,” he said. “Tell you what, tell you what, next time you have some free time, I’ll teleport you to Danville and you can see my place and meet my daughter.”

She blinked, then laughed.

“I like that. I think I might be falling in love with you, Heinz. It’s a weird, teenagery feeling that I thought I’d left behind. It’s fluttery and strange and I like it very much.”

She leaned forward and kissed him deeply. He pushed her up against the door of her hotel room and her hand moved lower on his back.

“I like it, too,” he said when he pulled away finally after an age.

She squeezed his hands as she went into her room. He let the door close before he teleported away.

Just a few days later, she texted him and he teleported her to his penthouse. He was ready with the paper bag when she popped in, but she didn’t barf like most people did when they teleported for the first time.

She immediatey noticed the large, man-shaped robot hovering over Heinz.

“Glad to meet you!” it bellowed.

“Glad to meet you, Norm,” she said.

Norm stumped off, humming to himself.

Heinz showed her around his workroom, pointing out various inators that were old or new, broken or working. On his desk, in a place of honor, she saw a photo of Heinz in his lab coat with his arm around a teal platypus with a hat. She didn’t know how she knew, but she could tell the platypus was smiling. She noticed a photo of her outside Wrigley field next to Perry’s photo.

A young woman dressed in black came out of a room, did a double-take when she saw Flo and introduced herself.

“I’m Vanessa,” she said.

“Flo.” She released Vanessa’s hand.

“I’m going out tonight with friends. I’ll be back late.” Vanessa hugged Heinz and left.

“She seems nice,” Flo said.

“But not too nice,” Heinz added, then sighed.

“What’s wrong?” Flo asked, putting her arm through his.

“She’s in love with someone, but it’s complicated because he’s a lot younger.”

“Ah,” Flo said, not knowing what to say.

“The age gap won’t seem weird in a few years and she’s being mature about it, but I can tell it’s hard for her.”

“Sorry.”

He waved it off.

“My problem…and Vanessa’s. We’ll get through it.”

He showed her the rest of his penthouse. Norm made them a homemade tapas meal with lots of choices of small dishes.

“Now, you’ll get the only part of Drusselsteinian food that’s any good: the Doonkelberry pie!” Heinz took a cloche from over a pie. A bat flew out of the rafters and tried to grab it, but Norm was too fast with a net.

“It smells amazing, and it’s still warm.” Flo took the slice proffered by Heinz.

“Norm makes a good pie, almost as good as Lindana’s.” Heinz laughed and served himself a slice. He closed the cloche as another bat made a dive at it. Norm caught it with the net, too.

“Are the bats normal?” Flo asked and Heinz smiled.

“They love the berries. I don’t know where they hide-”

“Wait. Did you mean Lindana, the pop star?” Flo interrupted him.

He told her about his date with Lindana and how she lived as a house-wife in the Tri-State area now. He told her that her stepson was the one that Vanessa had a thing for.

“Never thought you’d be one to date a pop star,” she said around a bite of pie.

“Yeah, it was a disaster. I was a bad person then.” They finished the pie and went into the living room to watch a movie, but missed almost all of it making out like teenagers. Norm came in at one point and then left immediately when he saw them on the couch. The movie ended and neither of them got up. Heinz’s watch dinged and they both jumped.

“Work?” she asked.

“No, bedtime.” He answered.

“Want to come with me?” he asked as he stood.

“I’ve wanted that for a while now,” she said and took his hand as she stood.

They walked off slowly to his bedroom and didn’t come out until late the next morning.

Two months later, Heinz made good his promise and took her to the top of the Eiffel Tower. A month later to the top of the CN tower in Toronto and then deep into Carlsbad Caverns.

One year to the day after their first date they sat in the same Italian restaurant and when the tiramisu came out there was a velvet box on it. Flo didn’t even open it before she said yes.

[kkatastrophic]

Okay omg omg omg I get so excited seeing people reblog and rant away, alg mate. Love reading people's rants especially if it's something they're extra passionate about! So we alg there! :D

it's laughable really, (oh! My dog just vomited on the floor erm... -> just cleaned it we alg, hes fine he ate his food too quick.) anyways, they all fell for that cool guy act, when in his lore it's canon he was a silly nerdy dude who got bullied. Like little bro hid from the bullies, (the fandom in general) then got bullied for the Sonia shtick. Like... danganronpa *sits down at business chair and looks at the ceo seriously* if a character goes to LENGTHS not to get bullied, don't give them an extremely hateable quality and make it their ONLY personality trait in the trials. PLEASE GUYS, you did just fine with Chihiro making him have other qualities!!! (despite the gender discourse which is another story let's be real here...

Like... can. We stop hating on neurodovergent characters for their social skills please fandom? I don't have too much to say about this part, as I'm not neurodivergent myself, and I don't want to say the wrong thing without meaning too yk? But... stop hating on Kazuichi for that! (<- same with my bb Taka, leave em be please "Oh he yells all the time🤓" You're literally in a kg, it's a natural response to be heightened by that mate.)

Just because somebody has bad social skills doesn't make them dumb. Take me for example, I stress about what to say, my brain moves faster than my mouth and I don't have time to think before I speak. Misconceptions happen and I apologise. This fact doesn't make me mentally dumb does it? Nope. Not at all. I feel like the fandom isn't even aware of neyrodivergent characters unless it's completely spoken and spelled put to them, "this character is neurodivergent" has to be stated for SOME PARTICULAR (*not all*) fans to understand. Sometimes, that's perfectly fine, because again it comes down to social skills and if you don't know much about the topic of course you're not going to assume. But the issue is its most of the fandom.

Like I can understand a character like Teruteru or Leon not getting their full potential in development, they died in chapter one. But that doesn't give the creators a right to butcher their Ftes😭😭😭 like let me spend time with Kaz and not bother worrying about Sonia for once in my life☠️ Danganronpa fr be lacking with that one. I agree with all of your points, and your user.

Kazuichi Souda is infact such a gf🥰🥰🥰

Idk bro the Kazuichi nerd thing you mentioned about taking off the glasses reminds me of that meme with Perry the Platypus taking off his hat. Like, idk if yall know the one, I'll find it later. But... "if this character doesn't have glasses how do we know they're a nerd?!🤓" guys... it's in their talent, hidden in their dialogue, for some characters it isn't even hidden bro, it isn't hard guys please😭😭😭

The main reason I feel his arc is unfinished js because of the end of trial 6. Like... all the survivors have somebody close to them that they lost that they're getting back, but.... Kazuichi has nobody?! Like... what😭

We have:

akane -> doing it for nekomaru

Fuyuhiko -> for Peko

Sonia -> for Gundham

Hajime -> for Chiaki and Nagito (even tho chiaki is an ai)

I feel like I missed somebody bro tf- anyways,

Like who is kazuichi imagining here...? The monobeasts🤨

Also, bro did not even get close to a monobeast, I know cowardice is part of his kinda sad character arc or wtv, but after Usami Monomi defeated them wouldn't he want to get close to the dead monobeast which is no longer guarding the island? To see what its made of? Like he'd be super curious. Like even Hiro was curious taking apart monokuma! This could've helped the cast immensely and gave the fandom something else to enjoy without actively searching out facts.

Mfs forget thy even though Kazuichi is a simp he has redeeming qualities.

Like, he's a goddam engineer, he's gotta be REALLY good at math, to get into a course like that at such a young age is worthy of an ultimate title. Like we gonna ignore that in my country there is a 60 paged method in uni to work out complex equations, and that's JUST to get into the course!

Can we stop dumbing down my bb, he's amazing and there's more to him than being a simp.

[zosonils]

maybe the building has a park/courtyard right out back so if they looked up they'd see Perry flying in. Candace sees him once in a while but has the same thing with the hat that Doof does so she doesn't ever recognize him. scene where Perry in his hat is in the elevator with Candace and Vanessa and V is like "that's perry the platypus my dad's arch nemesis" and Candace is like "that's funny we have a pet platypus named perry" but doesn't connect the dots bc. Hat. Perry is sweating

HAJSKNKNFKJBNKJGNF

[starpaw0007]

Too much stuff in Perry’s lil hat

Setting the scene: Doofenshmirtz, Perry, and Candace are all hiding under a table that is covered with a long white tablecloth. Candace has just found out Perry’s secret and he needs to give her the pamphlet. Gag where he sits for a solid minute rifling through his hat pulling out random gadgets and items, an impossible amount of junk for such a tiny hat, further confusing Candace.            

                                            👒        #[    ]”>      👒 

Perry reaches into his hat for the pamphlet. His brows scrunch in confusion; he can't find it. He takes off his hat and sets it in his lap, digging through the contents. A grappling gun, a laser pointer, a nondescript ray gun, and a pad of paper with a drawing of his boss and other various notes with sketches.

Candace observes the spectacle in stunned silence.

Doofenshmirtz casually steals Perry's notepad, flipping through it nosily. 

“So, how do you know Perry the Platypus?” He asks Candace while skimming the pages. His tone is conversational, and curious. 

Candace’s attention lingers on Perry a few seconds more. The platypus pulls out a crossbow, letting out a huff of annoyance through his nostrils. 

She turns her attention to Dr. D. 

“He's my pet.” 

This entire situation was confusing, and it felt weird to call Perry her pet when he was like... this. She always thought he was a mindless animal, but apparently that wasn’t the case? She still wasn’t fully convinced her brothers didn’t have anything to do with this.

Doofenshmirtz snaps to attention at this, abandoning the notepad in his hands. 

“Wait a second, wait a second. Your pet?” 

He turns to Perry. 

“So in your free time, you're this girl’s pet? Like, you're all cuddly and sweet and you've got a little jangly collar with a little bell on it?”

Perry shrugs uncomfortably, refusing to elaborate. It was embarrassing for his nemesis to know such a private part of his life. It was also dangerous. This entire situation was wrong. Candace being within such close proximity to an evil scientist, albeit a relatively incompetent one, made his fur stand on end. 

He pulls out a wrench, dropping it with a clang. 

Growing frustrated, the monotreme holds his fedora close to his face and peers into it. He can't see the pamphlet. He flips the hat upside down, shaking out the remaining contents. 

A hairdryer, a pack of gum, a fake mustache, a compact mirror. 

No pamphlet.

“What are you looking for?” Candace asks.

Perry makes a few vague gestures with his hands, but it seems that Candace doesn't understand. Communicating is difficult. 

He looks around at the mess of stuff for his notepad, which somehow found its way back into Doof’s hands. 

Perry snatches it, ignoring the scientist’s objections.

He writes something, and hands it to Candace who takes it hesitantly. 

                             OWCA pamphlet, it’s regulation.

[agoldengalaxy]

Being a Mindless Animal Must Get Tiring

read on Ao3

words: 1118

“Must get pretty tiring having to pretend to be mindless every day.”

Perry gives her a wry smile. He doesn’t even need to sign anything. She knows he’s thinking, You have no idea.

--

“What do you think it means when your sister can talk to bees?”

“…I have no idea how to answer that question, Stace.”

“Yeah, I didn’t think so,” she giggles, switching the phone to her other ear. “I guess we both have weird siblings.

Candace chuckles. “At least Ginger doesn’t drive you crazy.”

“She does. You just don’t see it. Maybe we should start an older sisters’ club.”

“That’d be nice.”

Stacy opens her mouth to respond, but the doorbell cuts her off. “Ah, sorry Candace, I gotta go. Good luck with busting today.”

“Thanks, Stace! See ya!”

The line clicks and Stacy sticks her phone in her pocket, heading to the front door. She knows better than to just open it without thinking, especially since she’s alone in the house today. She peers through the peephole, at first assuming one of Ginger’s friends must have ding-dong ditched her. Upon closer inspection, and looking a little further down, she realizes that isn’t the case.

Frowning, she unlocks the door and opens it, kneeling down. “Perry, you okay?”

The platypus, standing on his back legs, has his shoulders slumped, looking…really tired. It’s still strange, seeing Perry like this, but Stacy thinks she’s finally getting used to it. He’s just another member of the Flynn-Fletcher family…he just can’t talk and his biggest secret has been entrusted to her, of all people. He shrugs. Stacy nods, taking his hand.

“Why don’t you come in? No one’s home today.” She leads him into the house, shutting the door with her hip. If she thinks about it, Perry is basically just a tiny adult. Being a secret agent must have its drawbacks, too. So she situates him on the couch and goes to the fridge, taking out two boxes of juice and a plate of fruit her mother left behind.

When she sits down, she’s given a look she can only interpret as gratefulness. He takes the juice box in one hand and lifts the other, signing something.

“Oh, okay, give me a second, I’m a little rusty.” She’d been learning basic sign language, mostly to try and impress her mother, but also because it’s the one way she can communicate with Perry. He must have been taught it at the agency years ago. She turns her body to face him completely, nodding for him to go again.

Thank you. It’s been a rough week.

Stacy nods, popping a grape into her mouth. “Must get pretty tiring having to pretend to be mindless every day.”

Perry gives her a wry smile, bringing the juice box straw to his bill. He doesn’t even need to sign anything. She knows he’s thinking, You have no idea.

“Well, have you ever thought about telling them anyway?” He looks up in surprise, so she elaborates. “I mean, that guy with the monobrow and big mustache, he’s your boss, right? But if you told the boys and Candace about your secret, I bet they’d keep it like I do. Your boss doesn’t have to know.”

He shakes his head wistfully.

“Yeah, I guess that is a little too risky,” she agrees. “Have you ever thought about retirement? What’s even the policy for retiring as a secret agent?”

There’s a flicker of some expression on his face, but she doesn’t know what it is. He signs slowly so she can put it together. I can’t until my nemesis retires. And I love my job. I don’t think I’m ready to leave it yet.

“Oh, your nemesis. The pharm - I mean, the evil scientist.” He nods, and she smiles a little. “Well, I guess somebody’s gotta stop him from breaking into people’s houses with a weird bug machine.” That makes him smile, and she counts it as a win. It was completely by chance that she found out his secret, and she’s honored that he trusts her enough to keep it, and now, to confide in her. She reaches over, taking off his hat to rub the top of his head. He purrs. “Don’t worry. Things’ll all work out. At least, that’s what my mom says.”

Perry smiles, taking another sip of his juice box before putting it down to sign, Thank you, Stacy.

Placing the hat back on his head, she grins. “For what? The pep talk, or the juice?” He laughs at that - so that’s what a platypus laugh sounds like - and leans forward a bit. “Oh, do you want to go back home?”

He thinks for a moment, then nods. Outside, the sun is just setting; the boys must be worried by now.

“I’ll take you back,” she offers, and he smiles and thanks her again. It’s really no big deal to her, and she knows Perry would probably enjoy the company for as long as possible. She kneels down and he hops into her arms, removing his hat, and they head out the door.

She pets him quietly as she walks, teasing him gently about the way he purrs. He glares, but there isn’t anything to it. For a secret agent, he certainly is adorable. Pushing open the back fence door, she looks around the backyard.

“Hello? Phineas? Ferb? You out here?” Perry’s eyes are already crossed. She can feel his tiny heartbeat speed up. As tiring as it must be to be a mindless animal, it’s clear: this platypus loves his boys.

The kitchen door opens and they rush outside, relief clear on their faces. “Stacy, you found Perry!”

She smiles, carefully handing the platypus to Phineas, who holds him close. Ferb pets him. “Yeah, I did. He wandered all the way over to my house.”

“Perhaps he missed you,” Ferb muses, and Stacy catches Perry’s eye for a brief moment. He winks at her.

“Yeah. Maybe he did,” she says, smiling a little wider. “Well, I’ll leave you to catch up. Oh, and if you see your sister, tell her I say hi, ‘kay?”

The boys nod, still holding Perry close. “Okay! Thanks for taking care of Perry for us,” Phineas exclaims as they walk back toward the house.

“Any time. You need a pet sitter, let me know, Phineas!”

“We’ll keep it in mind! Bye now!”

Stacy waves until they close the door behind them, and she turns around, looking up at the setting sun. One day, Perry will be able to be himself. But until then, she’s happy to help him process his day-to-day life.

“Who would have thought,” she murmurs to herself as she takes one last look at the Flynn-Fletcher house, “you’d spend your afternoon talking to a platypus. It’s pretty cool, though.”

And with that, she heads back home before anyone can catch her talking to herself.

[a-small-batch-of-dragons]

Mr. Blue Sky

Prompt: if ur still taking prompts could you maybe write Patton having a bad depression day and the other sides helping him out! ps your writing is amazing

Thanks for the prompt, babe! I hope it’s what you wanted!

Read on Ao3

Warnings: depressive episode, nothing graphic

Pairings: LAMP, DLAMP, DLAMPR, I don’t care, all or none. Can be platonic or romantic you decide

Word Count: 2554

Depression:

de•pres•sion – a mood disorder marked especially by sadness, inactivity, difficulty in thinking and concentration, a significant increase or decrease in appetite and time spent sleeping, feelings of dejection, and hopelessness.

Patton feels grey today.

Sometimes he doesn’t even have to open his eyes to know it’s going to be a bad day.

 Patton’s gonna be honest. He doesn’t have bad days most of the time. No, really, he doesn’t. Not like this.

 Most days it’s just kind of…there, you know? It’s like looking up into a clear, blue sky, as blue as it could possibly be, and there’s just a little grey cloud near the horizon. Not bothering anyone, not making it shady anywhere, but it’s there. Unmistakably there. That’s not a bad day. It’s just a day.

 Today he wakes up and the whole sky is grey.

 His room responds to emotion. It fills with soft air, vibrant color, all the things that make Thomas feel—well, anything. So many, so many, so many. Not today.

 Today the room is grey.

 Shadows cast darkness onto almost every surface in his room, from the desk to the closet to the bare walls where every memory is blurred out into static. The whole room looks flat. Like someone stuck a black and white photo of what it’s supposed to look like into a projector and the projector is shaky, spinning out of time, artifacts appearing in the photo. He blinks. Tries to clear his vision. It doesn’t help.

 Patton blinks again and his eyelids feel like they’re glued shut. He can’t open them. Why should he? He doesn’t want to see this version of his room. Better to just lie here and wait for the rainclouds to go away. Are they rainclouds? They don’t feel like rain clouds. They just feel like clouds. How do we make clouds go away?

 Logan would know how clouds go away. But Logan is not here and every inch of his body feels like it weighs too much. Is he imagining it or is he sinking further into his bed?

 The blankets on top of him aren’t weighted, he knows that, but even their faint pressure is insurmountable. He can’t summon up the will to move them so he doesn’t. He just lies there. Still. Trying to see if he can open his eyes.

 He should get up. He has to get dressed. He has to make breakfast.

 But why? None of them need to eat. Logan’s probably made himself breakfast in the time it’s taken him to not get out of bed. Roman’s probably eaten already. Virgil doesn’t normally join them for breakfast. Janus has a sleep schedule he hasn’t figured out yet. And Remus…well, Remus likes his own type of food.

 Patton doesn’t need to go anywhere, what would be the point?

 He can’t fall back asleep. There’s too much static. It whines in his ears and makes him want to scrunch up, block it out, if only he could move. But he can’t. So he won’t.

 Will the others worry? Maybe. It’s not like he can do anything about it. He remembers—does he? Does he have enough energy to remember?—they told him if he ever needed help or support on bad days he should come get one of them. Or summon them. But summoning means moving.

 Doesn’t really matter. Moving won’t make the clouds go away. Might as well just…lie here, wait for them to go away.

 Patton lies there, in his bed, on his side, his room turning grey.

 He blinks. Oh. The light is different. Was the light different a moment ago? It was coming in low, wasn’t it? Why is it super bright now? It’s too bright. It’s too grey.

 But closing the curtains means moving.

 He blinks.

 The light is gone now. It’s back to being low in the sky. Did he imagine it being really bright?

 Doesn’t matter. The room is still grey.

 Something buzzes at the corner of his mind. Is that…is something making noise? It happens again.

 “Patton?”

 Oh. Is that Roman? Why is Roman here?

 “Patton, are you in here?”

 Speaking means moving.

 “…Patton, I’m coming in, okay?”

 The door creaks open and there is a quickly stifled gasp. The room is still grey.

 “Patton? Patton, where are—oh, oh, Padre…”

 Oh. Roman’s here now. Roman’s sash is so red.

 “Patton,” Roman murmurs as he crouches next to the bed, “Patton, can you hear me?”

 Patton manages a small sound in his throat. Oh. He can speak. A little. He tries again.

 “…mhmm.”

 Roman breathes a sigh of relief. His expression changes into something a little sad. “Bad day, huh?”

 “Mhmm.”

 “When was the last time you ate something,” Roman prompts gently, “drank something?”

 Patton furrows his brow. Isn’t it still morning? In response, Roman carefully moves his clock into his line of sight.

 Oh.

 His eyes must widen a little when he realizes it’s late in the afternoon. Roman sets the clock aside and glances at the door.

 “I’m going to take that as you haven’t eaten today,” he says quietly, “is that right?”

 Patton closes his eyes and makes a frustrated noise. What good is this? What good is he? If he can’t make the clouds go away—

 “Hey,” comes the soft voice and a warm hand on his cheek, “stay with me here.”

 Roman smiles at him and runs his fingers through his hair as he peers up at him. Roman is warm. Really warm. Does warm make the clouds go away?

 “Here’s what we’re gonna do, okay?” Roman tucks his other hand under Patton’s head, cradling it gently. “We’re going to have you sit up first, then we’re going to go get you something to eat. Is that alright?”

 …yeah.

 But…moving.

 “Shh,” Roman says as a little wrinkle appears between Patton’s brows again, “I won’t move until you’re ready for it.”

 Patton’s about to try and say he’s been unable to move all day, apparently, when Roman leans forward and rests their foreheads together, warm breaths puffing over his neck. Roman is warm. Roman is red.

 He closes his eyes and lets Roman’s warmth bring a little color back to his cheeks.

 “Okay,” he mumbles after a little, “okay.”

 “You want to try and sit up now?”

 “Yeah.”

 “Alright.” Roman adjusts his grip, getting one hand around Patton’s waist. “We’re going to go slow. If at any point you feel dizzy, or you can’t keep going, you have my full permission to fall on me and we’ll lie you back down.”

 For some reason, the image of him just full-on collapsing onto Roman makes a giggle bubble up in his throat. Roman chuckles too, his arms tightening.

 “Ready? Here we go…”

 Sitting up is slow. It’s fuzzy. But it works. Roman rubs his arm encouragingly as they get him seated on the edge of the bed.

 “Next step is standing up. You need a moment before we do that?”

 “Yeah.”

 “Okay. You take your time, I’m not going anywhere.”

 Roman is warm. Roman is so, so warm. Patton’s fingers idly toy with the cord on his shoulders.

 “…thanks.”

 “Oh, of course, Padre.” A warm hand runs over his cheek. “It’s no more than you’ve done for us.”

 “…us?”

 Roman gives him a smile. “You don’t think the others are going to let me have all the fun, do you?”

 As if on cue, there’s another set of footsteps approaching the door.

 “Hey, Princey, you get lost or something?”

 “In here,” Roman calls as Virgil rounds the corner. Virgil is purple. So, so, purple.

 “Heya, Pop-star,” Virgil says softly, crouching down next to Roman, “you havin’ an off day?”

 “…yeah.”

 “Okay. We’re gonna get you downstairs, okay? The others are waiting.”

 “What?”

 Virgil’s mouth tugs up into a smile. “Yeah, Pat. You didn’t show all day and we got worried.”

 Roman gives his arm a squeeze. “You about ready to stand?”

 Patton nods and holds his arms out for help.

 “Easy, easy—“

 “There you go, Padre, go slow.”

 “Great job. You wanna lean on us for a little?”

 “I got you, don’t worry.”

 Roman loops his arm gracefully through Patton’s, holding him like they’re walking down the path to his castle again as they move out of the too-grey room. Virgil hangs beside them, following down the stairs into the living room. As soon as they hit the bottom, Logan looks up from the kitchen and smiles.

 “Hello, Patton.” He gestures toward the seat next to him. “Please, come join us.”

 Roman deposits him carefully next to Logan, who immediately sets a small plate in front of him. Virgil gives him a wink before striking up a conversation with Roman that immediately fills the room. There’s no pressure for Patton to join, no pressure to do anything other than try and eat the easy food in front of him and lean against Logan’s side. Logan’s warm too. Is everyone warm? Logan is blue. Dark blue.

 “Here,” Logan murmurs as Janus sends a barb back at Virgil, “try and drink this for me?”

 It’s just water. It does little to clear the static in his throat, but it does make him feel a little more like a person. He goes to try and take another bite only for it to turn to ash in his mouth.

 Remus catches his grimace from his other side. “Had enough?”

 “Think so.”

 Reaching out in a blur of green, Remus scoops Patton’s food onto his own plate and scarfs it down, artfully dodging the balled-up receipt Roman tosses at him.

 “What are they talking about,” Patton mumbles to Logan as Remus immediately shouts something about lizards and coniferous trees.

 “I have absolutely no idea,” comes Logan’s bemused reply. “I believe it started off with a debate about what exactly separates reptiles from mammals but I’ve quite lost the thread of the conversation.”

 “It’s not my fault that you decided dragons are a subspecies of platypuses!”

 “Does that make every single dragon a relative of Perry the Platypus?”

 “Well, somehow we’ve gotten to Phineas and Ferb,” Logan murmurs as Virgil immediately starts clamoring for Janus to change his hat.

 And somehow the image of seeing Janus as a gold snake with a fedora makes the static clear enough for Patton to giggle.

 Of course, the instant he does that, the entire table just stops to stare at him. Virgil is so distracted Janus swipes his hat back and stands, sweeping around to Patton’s side.

 “Shall we keep going?”

 “What are we doing now?”

 “Let’s get you changed into something else,” Janus says softly as he helps Patton up, leaving the others to talk about…whatever they’re talking about now, “it’ll help you feel better.”

 “Okay.”

 “Would you like to talk about it?”

 Patton shakes his head as they get back to his room. “Just a grey day.”

 Janus nods and gently pushes him toward the bathroom. “Take a shower for me, honey, then we’ll get you into some new clothes.”

 “Um—“

 He pauses on his way to Patton’s closet. “What is it, honey?”

 “Can I, um…” Now that he’s seen the others, the cold greyness of his room makes the numbness flood back. “Could you…hug me?”

 “Oh, of course, honey, come here…”

 Oh, Janus is warm. Janus is really warm. Really warm and really yellow.

 “You’re doing so well today,” Janus murmurs, stroking up and down Patton’s back, “we’re so proud of you.”

 They stand there for a little while, until Patton can pry himself out of the hug and toward the bathroom. The tiles are grey but the sink is cream. He peels himself out of the pajamas that are starting to feel a little gummy and tosses them in the hamper. The shower handle is cold but the water is warm. He doesn’t have the energy to wash. The water beats over his shoulders, warm, steady, reassuring. If he closes his eyes, the clouds have started to rain. Warm, summer rain that smells like sleep.

 A light knock on the door a few moments later and Patton turns the water off. He hears Janus open the door and leave something on the counter. He takes the towel from the rack and dries himself off, curling his fingers in the soft clothes left for him.

 Janus smiles when he opens the door, holding his hand out for Patton to take.

 “Come on,” he coaxes when Patton blearily makes a noise of protest, “the others are downstairs waiting.”

 “Wha’re we doing?”

 “Well,” Janus drawls as they make their way into the hall, “I’m sure it couldn’t be letting us spoil you with cuddles, now, couldn’t it?”

 Sure enough, Roman’s summoned a mattress big enough to cover the entire floor of the living room. Remus is already sprawled on top of Roman, but he looks up with a grin as Patton gets to the bottom of the stairs.

 “Remus, no—!”

 Roman just manages to grab his brother around the waist as Remus lunges for Patton.

“Let me go!”

 “You have to wait for him to get to the mattress first!”

 “Ugh,” Remus rolls his eyes, “fine.”

 Janus chuckles as Patton crawls to the center of the mattress and, after a brief nod, Roman lets Remus go. Sure enough, Remus almost bowls them back off the mattress.

 “Remus,” Roman huffs in exasperation, even though Patton can hear his smile.

 “What?” Remus shifts on top of him, his weight warm and green and perfect, his arms wrapped around Patton’s waist as he tucks a pillow under his head. “I got it.”

 He can hear Roman roll his eyes as red tucks itself against his side. “Yeah, you sure do.”

 Virgil snickers from somewhere above him and Patton cranes his neck back to see a flash of purple curling above his head. “You comfy, Pat? Breathing okay?”

 “…yeah.”

 “Good.” The purple looks over to Patton’s other side. “So’re you two just gonna sit there and pretend you don’t want in or what?”

 “We’re coming.”

 Sure enough, a moment later, Janus takes a seat with his back against the couch, Virgil’s head in his lap. He reaches down with a golden hand and runs his fingers through Patton’s hair. Dark blue lies down next to him and Logan reaches to gently remove his glasses, laying them on the side table.

 Everything is fuzzy static clears. Something dull and achy wells up in Patton’s chest, asleep all day, forming a lump in his throat that suddenly makes it hard to breathe. As if they can feel it, the twins share a look.

 Remus frees one of his arms and carefully takes Patton’s right hand, gently pressing it to the mattress next to his head. Roman takes his left, pressing a kiss to the back of it and clasping it to his own chest. Logan shifts as Janus’s hand cards through Patton’s hair. Virgil murmurs something that gets lost in the warm haze.

 Amidst the warmth, Patton’s eyes flutter closed.

 The sky is filled with clouds, splashed with dark blue, fading into purple, the lightest touches of gold at the very edges, shimmering in the fading light. The deep red at the horizon fades into pink, into yellow, into the slightest hint of green before spilling into an endless stretch of blue, blue, blue sky.

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[woulddieforperrytheplatypus]

What're some of your favorite moments between Doof and Perry during Phineas and Ferb?

You have absolutely no idea how fucking long I spent making this video fhdsjahkjaf I’m gonna gush under the cut about why I liked each one so y’all don’t have to deal with me if you don’t want to lol

These are in no particular order. They’re just numbered to line up with the reasoning. I added lil descriptions to each of them but you’ll probably have to either watch the video first or have a pretty good memory of the show to understand them lol

1. “Dr. Wexler, you’re a platypus?” (A Hard Day’s Knight)

Literally just the way he says, “Dr. Wexler, you’re a platypus?”

2. “Is every platypus named Perry?” and then Perry bites him (AT2D)

M O N C H (also Heinz calls him cute) (also also “We do not bite the elderly!”)

3. Perry tries to fly him and Heinz home from the desert but Heinz flips the turbo switch and they lose the jetpack (Road to Danville)

“Like you didn’t know about my switch-flipping compulsion!” They’re literally an old married couple omfg I can’t even (also moment of appreciation for the fact that they’re close enough that Heinz just assumes Perry knows about his switch-flipping compulsion) (another moment of appreciation because Perry probably does)

4. The end of the Perry/Doof subplot of Terrifying Tri-State Trilogy of Terror

First of all, the way Perry decides to run under his giant floating head when going around would take two extra seconds? Beautiful. And, of course, Perry’s fucking smirk because that’s just not his problem lmaooo

5. The pause in the FIGHT FIGHT IT’S A PLATYPUS FIGHT (Doofapus)

I love that they literally just stop mid-fight to have tea. I firmly believe there is no other pair of nemeses that would do that and this is just how Heinz and Perry work. Also, Perry’s smile? He feels so understood? It’s so pure?

6. Vanessa lets Perry in before he can break down the door with his rocket launcher and then Perry accidentally shoots it through the wall (My Sweet Ride)

“This is why I can never have anything nice -_-”

7. Heinz doesn’t trap Perry (Road to Danville)

He’s so confused fjdahfksdhfak he literally goes out of his way to get trapped at that point (even if he pretends he doesn’t) and Heinz flipped the script on him without telling him and his lil shrug is so cute and I just jsfhkjadhsk

8. There’s a Platypus Controlling Me (Brain Drain)

You had to know this one was gonna be there

9. “In your letters, you said your nemesis was a suave, semi-aquatic personification of unstoppable dynamic fury” (Oil on Candace)

The fact that Heinz sent his ex-professor a letter gushing about his nemesis is just *chef’s kiss*

10. Perry and Dennis are fighting in giant puppets in the street and Heinz recognizes Perry piloting the puppet because of his fighting style (The Return of the Rogue Rabbit)

I’m pretty sure this is the only time Heinz ever recognizes Perry without his hat on (correct me if I’m wrong tho) and the fact that it’s literally just because Perry punched the fuckin camera kills me every time

11. Heinz is worried they won’t make his play in time so Perry tells him to flip the turbo switch (Road to Danville)

Perry just trusts him so much??? Flipping the switch was what got them into that mess in the first place??? But Perry cares so much about Heinz making his LOVEMUFFIN play that he’s willing to give it another go??? I love it???

12. DANCE BABY DANCE BABY HANDS IN THE AIR (Candace Disconnected)

I feel like we don’t get to see Perry just kinda hanging out like that a lot. He’s always doing that steely glare, even when they’re having fun. I don’t think Perry really realizes how emotionless he can look sometimes (the beginning and end of Sidetracked are from Perry’s POV especially at the end, the way he acts with the boys shows too much character for a secret agent, so even though he seems to think it’s obvious that he’s all lovey dovey with them, he does much too good a job at hiding his emotions) but it’s nice to see him drop the facade every now and then

13. Heinz calls Monogram because Perry hasn’t shown up (Perry the Actorpus)

I know Perry’s not technically in this one but I love that Heinz a) calls OWCA when Perry doesn’t show up and b) looks so nervous as he calls OWCA because Perry hasn’t shown up

14. Perry brings Heinz a glass of water (Road to Danville)

Half this episode is just them being mad at each other because they blame the other one for sticking them in the desert with way home, and I love that even though Perry’s been fuming pretty much the entire time, the second Heinz actually starts yelling at him, he’s immediately hit with a wave of guilt (also I love that he somehow found a glass of water in the middle of the desert?)

15. “YOU PEED ON MY COUCH!” (AT2D)

Not gonna lie, I mostly picked this one for shits and giggles BUT that doesn’t mean I can’t overanalyze it because that’s what I do best. Perry’s whole role in the show is to tie together the two completely unrelated plots, and that’s only so entertaining because not only does neither side know the other, but neither side knows what version of Perry the other side knows. This is the first time Heinz has really connected mindless pet Perry with Agent P Perry, and I feel like that was the most interesting part of the movie was that Phineas, Ferb, Candace, and Heinz all saw a side of Perry they didn’t know. 

16. Heinz invites Perry out for lunch (The Quietest Day Ever)

Heinz doesn’t even know he got hit with the de-handsome-inator. He literally just thinks he lost, and his immediate reaction is to ask if Perry wants to hang out. I just love those lil insights into their relationship when they’re not fighting. Also, perry.exe has stopped working.

17. Honestly just all of Father’s Day

I hate knowing that chronologically, Father’s Day had to happen probably less than halfway through the summer and not towards the end like it does in the episode order. It’s such a sweet turning point in their relationship. Perry’s head all these horrible backstories about Mr. Doofenshmirtz and I can only assume he hates the guy, but he’s still so supportive of Heinz trying to win his approval -- and he’s supportive when that fails and Heinz needs someone to lean on.

18. Perry Lays An Egg

T H W A R T   M E   P E R R Y   T H E   P L A T Y P U S 

19. Heinz proving he knows how to shut the fuck up by refusing to shut the fuck up (Road to Danville)

Perry’s literally about to fight a bitch and I can’t blame him. I also like the lil look into Heinz’s thoughts with the “it’s not like I have to fill the space” line because it really explains a lot about him.

20. Perry waiting for the New Year’s ball to drop and for Heinz to finish his scheme (Happy New Year!)

Once again, a beautiful look at how their entire relationship is based on their routine and knowing what to expect. It wouldn’t be Heinz and Perry if there was not punching and kicking involved. (Also, Perry’s smug face while he waits) (Also also, Perry’s lil shrug)

21. Heinz invites Perry to hang out in his house in the suburbs (Put That Putter Away)

GIVE PERRY A DAY OFF (but for real I love that Heinz literally just asked if he wanted to hang out, AND that he assured Perry that he’d make sure he didn’t get in trouble with Monogram for it)

22. The end of Sidetracked

THEY? HOLD? HAND???

23. “The thing that’s kept me from succeeding all these years is YOU!” *turns finger around* (Road to Danville)

PERRY IS SO DONE WITH HIS SHlT I CAN’T FDJAFHDJLSFHDSAKJ

24. Roger tries to say hi to sleeping Perry (Just Our Luck)

How often does Perry have to fall asleep around Heinz for the guy to know he gets testy when someone wakes him up?

25. The brief New Year’s dance break (Happy New Year!)

THEIR DANCING IS SO FAST AND SO IN SYNC EITHER THEY REHEARSED THIS OR THEY JUST KNOW EACH OTHER SO WELL THAT IT JUST HAPPENS NATURALLY AND I WOULD DIE FOR THEM OKAY

26. Perry accidentally became famous for advertising tools and then shows up at DEI (Perry the Actorpus)

He’s so happy to see his nemesis again :,)

27. “You think I’m evil, right?” *finger guns* (Oil on Candace)

Perry is at least partially responsible for how horribly that day went, but that’s his job is to make sure evil scientists don’t impress other evil scientists. You don’t want, like, an evil scientist team up or whatever. But I’m decently sure there’s nothing in the job description that says Perry has to stick around and assure his nemesis that he’s good at being evil, so that’s all Perry’s doing.

28. Perry pulled an all nighter and shows up at DEI asleep and Heinz has to try not to wake him up (Just Our Luck)

The amount of respect it takes for Heinz to see his nemesis sleeping on the job and go out of his way not to wake him up (but to make sure he’s still included, of course; he’s not a disrespectful guy, even if he is evil) warms my heart

29. Perry shows Heinz a bunch of their pictures together (This Is Your Backstory)

a) I love that Perry carries those pictures in his wallet 

b) I love that those pictures exist at all

 c) I love that Heinz has enjoyed his nemesisship with Perry so much that it basically negates every tragic backstory

[perryshmirtz-shipper713]

Perryshmirtz Week

First Meeting

First Day

Perry the Platypus sighed heavily. Another villain?

He had done surveillance on this new villain that OWCA had assigned him earlier today and, to be honest, he didn’t think anything special of him.

In fact, to Perry, this Heinz Doofenshmirtz seemed a bit different from the other villains he was assigned to fight and arrest. This one didn’t seem dangerous at all. He kind of even seemed a bit goofy.

Regardless, it was his duty to keep surveillance. It shouldn’t take long till some evil action is done and Perry would come in to put a stop to it. It was just a matter of waiting.

Which is what he had been doing outside this “Doofenshmirtz Evil Inc.” building for last past four hours. Just waiting. He looked at his watch. No news from OWCA and it was getting late. He would need to be getting home soon. Which would only mean he would have to come back tomorrow.

He let out an even heavier sigh. He didn’t want to come back here tomorrow. He wanted to get this done and over with just like with his other assignments. Maybe than he might get a free day tomorrow instead. Though deep down, Perry knew that was a long shot. Still, he didn’t want his work piling up on him.

He looked up the tall building. According to some intel, this Doofenshmirtz should be on the very first floor. He took out his grappling hook. Time to make his way up there.

................

It might have taken him a while but Perry the platypus has now reached the balcony of the first floor. He stayed hidden hanging by his grappling hook. He couldn’t just attack with no reason so maybe he could listen to some evil planning and than take action.

He suddenly heard footsteps approaching. And than a heavy sigh.

“Why can’t I get this inator right?” a voice cried out which Perry assumed was Heinz Doofenshmirtz’s. Perry hadn’t heard him spoken before and just noticed a bit of an accent or something. It was definitely a one of a kind voice.

“I finally get a nemesis assigned to me. Finally attention! But now it’s so much pressure,” Heinz continued to complain.

Perry wondered how Heinz knew he was assigned a nemesis. Guess he wasn’t as well hidden behind that mailbox earlier as he had thought.

“I can’t mess this up,” Heinz cried out. “I just can’t.” Heinz leaned on the balcony. “I just want to make a good first impression.”

Perry noticed something. Most of the bad guys he had to deal with always sounded either grumpy, mean, hateful, and especially selfish which made it easier for Perry to want to beat up. This one was different. He sounded relatable. Who hasn’t felt the nervousness of wanting to make a good first impression? Of wanting to always make a good impression and always wanting to be the best.

Perry than wondered what he was possibly thinking. Was he feeling sympathy for this villain? He couldn’t do that. He had a job and it had to be done. He decided he needed to do it now before he started getting more of these weird feelings.

He let go of the grappling hook and caught onto the balcony. However it wasn’t just the balcony he grabbed onto.

Apparently in the rush of the moment to arrest the villain and not fall off the tall building, his hand just happened to grab onto Heinz’s hand that was also on the edge of the balcony.

There was definitely an awkward moment of silence. Heinz looked surprised by this unexpected appearance. Perry was equally surprised. Mostly that this embarrassing moment that was done by him.

“Oh, um, hello?” Heinz started to say.

Perry quickly let go of Heinz’s hand nearly slipping off but he quickly maneuvered his way onto the balcony. Of course, now he wasn’t sure what to do.

He just made this first encounter awkward. He felt it would be just rude to hit him just like that even though he heard him clearly trying to plot something evil. This why they say to wait for orders from OWCA.

Perry was frozen in place contemplating what to do next until Heinz broke the silence again.

“Are you... Are you that one I spotted by the mailbox earlier today? Close to where I was taking my photograph for the villain profile?”

Perry looked up at Heinz. Would it be so bad to answer that? It was quite obvious now that he was Heinz’s nemesis after all.

Perry nodded.

“I knew it!” Heinz said cheerfully. “That must mean you are my nemesis, right?”

Perry nodded again.

“Wow, so your my nemesis? Wait, isn’t your organization suppose to send me notification of your details like your name and what exactly are you?”

Perry wanted to answer that OWCA did send emails about that but that was for more permanent agent versus villain assignments. Perry has always been known to complete his assignments quickly. A long assignment was a rarity to him.

“Oh, guessing couldn’t wait to see what kind of villain I am, huh? Well, regardless of me just standing here underneath the night sky contemplating my life choices, I am very evil. You just caught me off guard. Especially with that whole unexpected hand holding.”

Perry started to feel the embarrassment coming again.

“What were you trying to do anyway? Grab my hand and throw me off the building? That’s pretty dark of you.”

Perry shook his head immediately. He couldn’t imagine doing that to anyone, not even a villain.

“No? Than what...” Suddenly Heinz seemed to have figured it out. It was just an accident. An embarrassing one.

Perry looked away. He could feel his face burning with embarrassment. Thank goodness his fur hide the redness on his cheek.

But it seemed Heinz could still notice Perry’s embarrassment. “Oh I’m guessing this isn’t how you picture today going?” He rubbed his arm and looked away from Perry. “First days, am I right?”

Perry looked at Heinz and was quite surprised. Was Heinz trying to comfort him? But why? He was just about to fight him and send him to jail. And if not today, he would have to eventually someday. After all, Heinz was his enemy now.

Heinz smiled a little. “Hey. Why not forgot this whole first day and just start over tomorrow? By than your organization should have given me something about you and I probably would have a better idea for an evil inator. One that will really impress everyone. Even you!” He said cheerfully.

For a moment, Perry thought Heinz’s hopeful expression was cute, like when his boys would get an idea for building something exciting.

Perry smiled. He really appreciated that Heinz was being understanding of this situation. And quite surprised since none of his enemies would do that for him but than again why would they?

Perry nodded in agreement with Heinz’s idea. He got up to the edge of the balcony and was about to jump off ready to activate his parachute when Heinz shouted for him to stop.

“Hey, no need to do that. I have an elevator you know?”

Perry looked back. Was he offering him a safer way back down? Another first and unusual thing done by an enemy.

Perry looked down the building. His way was quicker but maybe it would be nice to just have a quieter way down than trying hard to fight against the wind current and try and land safely.

Perry got off the balcony. He hesitated a bit but decided to tip his hat as a way to thank Heinz for the offer.

Heinz seemed to understand and smiled. “You’re welcome, new nemesis. Hey, I was actually going to watch a movie to sort of give me inspiration for an inator. I have some popcorn made already. Want to take a break and just watch with me? No good versus evil today. We will save that for tomorrow.”

Tomorrow? Perry realized he would have to come back tomorrow. He didn’t like the sound of working again tomorrow. So maybe, just this once, he could relax this night?

Perry stood there thinking if that would be a good idea at all. Overall, Heinz was a registered villain now and his specific assignment. This could be a bad idea or even a trap.

He looked up at Heinz. Heinz was just smiling. Not evilly. Not even sinisterly. It was more of a welcoming and hopeful smile. Hopeful that Perry would say yes and keep him company. Is wanting company all what Heinz wanted? At least, for right now?

Without even realizing it, Perry nodded yes.

“Excellent!” Heinz said cheerfully. “Hop on the couch, new nemesis, and I’ll hit play right away.”

New nemesis. Perry thought about that word as he was making his way to the couch. Does this mean Heinz is going to be a sort of permanent nemesis for him now?

The comfy couch was great on Perry’s back that he felt actually relaxed. He didn’t want to think of any of that right now. He finally has a chance of a break and he was going to take it and enjoy it.

Later he would report back to OWCA that he hadn’t arrested Heinz Doofenshmirtz. Than maybe an email would be sent. Guess for now Heinz would be his new nemesis. Till tomorrow at least.

As Heinz hit play and hopped on the couch cheerful as ever, Perry smirked. This guy was indeed quite childish so he shouldn’t be too much of a treat.

“Oops almost hit the self destruct button on the remote,” Heinz said as he moved the remote away from him.

Than again...

Perry felt the comfortable couch on his back again and just surged his shoulders.

That is something he would have to deal with tomorrow. For now, he didn’t mind this Heinz Doofenshmirtz.

Not a bad first day for the two of them, he thought as his attention drifted to the movie.

[397bartonstreet]

I know you can’t control yourself any longer

A world in which Jake was still wearing his bachelor party ‘fit when he got home. Set in 7x08

The world doesn't talk enough about friend breakups. How much it hurts when someone you cared about for a long time stomps all over your heart and throws away years of friendship. But Jake understands, he guesses, it must suck to have someone throw all your friends in prison. Perhaps it was always meant to be this way. A cop and a criminal were never meant to work. He can’t deny that he’ll miss the Tom to his Jerry, the Doofenshmirtz to his Perry the Platypus. But cops always be copping, and he couldn’t help but cop a feel of the situation. Title of his sex tape. 

He hikes the duffle bag higher on his shoulders and lazily fumbles with his keys to his apartment. Apparently, the curses of Doug and Trudy Judy had enough power to ensure that Jake did have an awful flight. They didn’t even have his favorite plane pretzel brand. His eyes feel heavier than usual thanks to the zero sleep he got, and the disappointment of possibly losing Doug Judy’s trust forever. 

After unlocking the door, he pushes it open with his foot, the door letting out a strained creak. The duffle bag drops to the floor with a thunk as he kicks the door closed. Right now, he just wants to lay in his bed and sleep. No, take a shower and then sleep. No, brush his teeth, then take a shower, the-

“Oh. My. God.” Jake whips his head to the source of the noise to see his wife on the couch. She must have been waiting for him to return, a blanket is hanging off her shoulders and the TV is playing reruns of Jeopardy. But he frowns at the look on her face; mouth dropped open and her eyes full of mirth. He’s missing something for sure. “What are you wearing?”

Oh. One look down at himself confirms he’s still wearing the bachelor party outfit. The one that screams Miami and possibly not appropriate for him to wear in the first place. Amy raises her eyebrows in expectation and he can tell it’s taking everything in her not to completely lose her shit. 

“Oh. It’s, uh, Doug Judy made me wear it for his party,” he says, pulling at the hem. 

“In Miami?”

“Yes.”

“Of course.” She releases a choked laugh and covers her mouth with both her hands. Her voice is cracked and an octave higher since it’s laced in laughter. “You look like my Tio Jorge.”

“What? No! Not Tio Twink!”

“Stop calling him Tio Twink,” she says, finally letting out the cackle she’s been keeping in. Head thrown back and hands clutching her belly (in which he remembers that their child is in there). “Wait, wait don’t move. I gotta-”

She scrambles her hands on the couch and blanket until she pulls out her phone, fumbling to open the camera feature between giggles. Despite this being a very embarrassing moment, especially after the day he just had, he would do anything to continue seeing that delighted smile, her flushed cheeks, and hear those giggles. So when she points the phone in his direction, he just smiles and holds his hands out to display the outfit.

“I’m totally sending these to my brothers later,” she says. He’ll even endure teasing from her brothers too if it makes her happy.

“Oh wait! I just remembered!” he says and runs over to his duffle bag. He takes out the rumpled hat he shoved in there at the airport and smooths it out. 

“Oh no, there’s a hat!” He places it on his head and she takes pictures of him in rapid fire. 

“Yup, there’s a hat.” He strikes several poses, all ridiculous and way too big to be effective. 

“Ay, que guapo,” she teases. 

“I bet this is making you super horny right now, isn’t it babe.” She tosses her phone on the couch cushion next to her, stands up from her place on the couch, and walks over to where he stands. She places her hands on his chest and he feels like such a teenager for the way her touch almost takes his breath away. She unbuttons the top two buttons and opens it up so the skin of his chest is on display. 

“There, now it’s making me super horny,” she says in a low voice and with suggesting eyes, but it disappears almost as quickly as it came. “You look like the Cuban husband my mom always wanted for me.”

“Yeah, yeah, I get it, your mom hates me,” he says, but there’s no real hurt in his words. Amy smacks his chest and leans up to give him a slow kiss. 

“C’mon Andy Garcia, it’s ud o’clock.”

“You see, I knew I looked like Andy Garcia.”

“I was being generous.”

How can he spare even the slightest thought about Doug Judy when he’s got Amy Santiago pulling him by the belt loops towards their bedroom?

[asktheartpone]

Perry the Platypus politely stands in line at the portrait shop. When it's his turn, he takes off his fedora and pulls out a small pouch of bits. He opens the bag and pours out 10 bits, shrugs, and offers a confused smile. He has no idea what a bit's monetary value is, but he's hopeful it's enough because he'd love a portrait.

The alicorn seems a little confused at the creature before her, but gives an assuring smile that he’s provided a decent amount of payment and she’ll get to their request right away. As time goes on (and after some tracking), Heartistry manages to locate the platypus (thanks to the help of Fluttershy) and gently hands them their painting.

Heartistry: Here you go, fella! Hope you like your portrait! I just noticed the hat looks kinda messed up, but I hope you like it all the same! By the way, love the fedora.