#it's been way too long. bluh

[witchpassing]

The technician’s workstation washes the windowless room in sleep-deprived blue. On one monitor, an editing program grinds through the encoding process; on the other, a gaming stream, the volume turned down low. A bright cartoon figure undulates in the corner of the screen, jellyfish-like. 

In the center of the basement is a plastic sheet. A camcorder here, two-thirds of a lighting setup there, a set of tools laid out on tarp. Pliers, drill, nailgun. Hammer, sledgehammer, bat. A clothing rack is pushed against the wall, mass-produced bodies hung in vacuum sacs, pale toes grazing the concrete. Somewhere in the dark, a server tower blinks and hums. 

“Did good today,” the technician says. The back of her beat-up swivel chair creaks as she puts her weight on it. “The begging. I mean. People like that stuff. Could, y’know. Get you something? For playing nice?” 

Something moves between the body rack and the servers, a silhouette folded into a dog crate, contours of a body traced through the bars in barcode-pattern light. A trailing mess of cables twists between the slats of the crate and into the back of a human-enough neck, shifting, dragging as the head rises. Two glass eyes catch the square highlight of the technician’s workstation. 

The android opens its mouth. No sound comes out.

“Oh. Right.” The tech digs an universal remote from among the cans on her desk, a wedge of cheap grey plastic with the buttons taped over, and angles it into the cage. The doll’s vocal speaker flicks on with a muted little vbt. 

“Don’t understand,” it says.  

“Y’know,” the encoding process throws an error. The woman hisses to herself, fuck, and the doll presses itself into the back wall of its cage, as if the fetal curve of its spine can possibly get smaller, more placatory. Clicks. Keystrokes. The jellyfish pulses, swishing physics-simulated tendrils of ribbon and hair, diaphanous about a fuckable bell. 

“A reward,” the technician says, once she’s coaxed the process back into line.

“Oh.” The android is silent for a moment. “Could I have. A pillow? Please. Or, or. A blanket.”  

“But you’re not cold. That body doesn’t even, like. Have temperature sensors.”

“Sorry. S-sorry. It’s fine, I don’t want anything, I’m sorry–”

“Fuckin’, sure, whatever. I’ll find you some bedding.” The technician shunts her chair back, yawns, rubs at salt-crusted eyes. Her glasses settle crooked. “Be a really good girl for the next shoot, and I’ll… I don’t know. I’ll get you a stuffie or something.” 

“You mean it?”

The technician glances over, finds the android staring back at her, lawn-deer eyes big and wide. 

“Sure. I mean it.” 

[yzafre]

thoughts on tmnt 2003

I finally finished watching 2003 for the first time! I've been compiling thoughts as I go along, so here they all are, for the "I like hearing what new people think of my favorite things" crowd (and also just to give myself a place to put them).

Spoiler alert: it's mostly positive, and forgiving of the less-than-positive. This gets long, so I put it below a read more:

Okay, so I saw everyone talking about how different Rise was from 2012, and how it jarred people, and some people couldn’t stomach it, but I never saw anyone mentioning 2003’s place in this discussion?  Because I didn’t realize just how much 2012 pulled from 2003, and I feel like the expectations that set about what it means to do a new iteration of the franchise definitely had a place in how people received something different

On that note, I kind of want to do a “who wore it better” post about all the arcs 2012 adapted... (although 2003 probably also pulled its ideas from somewhere else – I've heard the comics, maybe?  I barely know anything about those, so have no idea how closely they’re connected.).

The City at War arc (good series of episodes, btw) really clarified a point of difference for me in how I understand 2003 and 2012 Raphael.  And by that I mean I think 12!Raph would agree with 03!Leo?  Not on the honor/it’s our fault point, but on the “the gangs are out there hurting people, and we should do something about it”. I’d need to re-watch some episodes to check my work here (I think the episode where they meet Murakami sticks out most in my head?) but 12!Raph seemed to have – at least verbally – an investment in the idea of stopping bad guys simply because they were hurting people.

Okay so obviously Same As It Never Was is agonizing, BUT.  Leo in Usagi’s world was SOOOOO funny to me.  omg.  Everyone just being all “ninja deceit”!  “Dishonorable ninja”!!  With Leo’s whole... deal.  Like from the beginning of the show I was like “isn’t bushido a samurai thing?” when Leo brought it up, so to see it being highlighted here is.  Mwah.  Even Usagi being “bluh bluh you’re turning me into a ninja with all this sneaking around >:(".  SO funny.  I was dying.

I’ve talked several times on how 2012 invested in inter-connected, long-form plots rather than being purely episodic, so it’s interesting to see 2003 move that way as the seasons go on!  I don’t think it ever quite reaches the level of ‘12, but you can definitely see how the writers were inspired by the plot work going on here, and went “okay, can we do that but more?”  The differences between how the two shows do it is interesting, too, but that would be a whole other conversation.

Similarly, I can see how part of Rise’s inspirations might’ve been some of the weirder world-building stuff going on in ‘03.  Everything about the underground city/ the Y’Lyntians, the idea of the Utrom/Kraang being here since long ago, all the more mystic stuff that ‘12 only sometimes dabbled in.  ((I also think part of the way Rise was written was to be in dialogue with the themes of ‘03 and ‘12, but that’s also a different conversation.))

I was aware of Grudge Match before watching the show, but given what I knew about it I honestly expected Mikey to be much more obnoxious about it?  Like yes he wouldn’t shut up about it in the multi-part immediately after the Nexus arc, but after that it seemed like he only mentioned it, what, once every couple episodes? Grudge Match implies he was louder about it off screen – which would be in character – but given how good the show usually is at “show don’t tell” for setting up characterization it stood out to me.

Okay this is petty but.  I am getting very tired of the constant movie quotes.  Stop that.

Okay so on the topic of “show don’t tell” characterization – Leo's ptsd arc was good.  Like this was a thing I knew about before starting the show but everyone was right it was goooood. Like obviously within the limitations of a kids show, but a wonderful amount of nuance for that audience. It tracks so well start to finish, even from season 1 where Leo was shown to have this.  Really strong but devastatingly rigid sense of identity?  Like what it means to be a warrior, and who he has to be because of that.  Like the thing with his identity being tied to the swords, and then the reason why he was tempted by Shredder’s initial (lying) offer. It all tracks to like.  Okay when he fails.  When he can’t live up to it.  Of course it shattered his mental state and threatened his sense of identity.  Of course it did.  And then just several arcs of different plots but with this other character story woven through them.  Just in how he was approaching it.  This is the shit I was wanting from ‘12 the whole time.

And Usagiiii.  Usagi.  I love him so much, and this was such great use of him. Building up a solid, believable foundation for a very enjoyable relationship between him and Leo, then bringing it back at this critical juncture in Leo’s character.  FUCK their conversations in Samura Tourist were so good.  Amazing.  Fantastic.

Actually just all the work that’s done with the turtle’s allies is great.  The homeless/junkyard people.  The super-heroes.  Leatherhead.  Usagi.  The Daimyo.  Just... all of it?  I love it?  It makes the world feel more alive and the turtles grounded in it as like.  Real people.  Who make connections and upkeep them and.  Yeah I love it.

I reached Tale of Master Yoshi and noooooo it’s.  It’s the 2012.  It’s the 2012 backstory.  The inspiration for 2012’s whole thing… its right here… ((Although is it just me or,,, does Yoshi (our hero) look a lot more western compared to Mashimi (our villain)?  There’s something about that.... hm. Hmmmmm.))

Hello season 5! A!Ni!Me! Bullshit!!!  Very accelerated anime bullshit.  Obliviously this is a huge inspiration for Rise, though I appreciate that that show took more time for the powers to build up.  Also the ninja tribunal are assholes and very questionable teachers.  Would it kill you to actually explain anything ever.

Huhhh okay so I am picking up a LOT of Rise vibes not just from the mystic powers/glowy lines, but from Splinter’s deal with the ninja tribunal, and how they wouldn’t hesitate to sacrifice the boys, and how the brothers need to stick together.  VERY reminiscent of Rise!Splinter’s deal with the Hamato.

Noooo not Oroku Saki getting possessed by a demon.  Hello Rise backstory.  I see.  It really all comes back to 2003 doesn’t it?  Rise was definitely made by people who looked at S5 and went “okay, can we do that but more?”

Have I talked about how much I love that from the beginning the show was just like “oh yeah also actual superheroes exist in this world, it’s just an accepted thing”?  Because I do.  Love it a lot.  Having most of them be really old/kinda retired/people are forgetting about them was a good idea though because otherwise.  Their spotty presence at cataclysmic events would be much more noticeable.

Dragon fight is cool.  That is all.

The fact that at this point Stockman is just straight up like “Let me die.  Please let me die” is.  Well it sure is something!

I’d heard the last two seasons weren’t as good and… yeah.  Like it’s not bad, it’s just… less good.  I miss the world and characters of the previous season.  Though hey did the Rise gear designs steal some inspo from this season?

HOWEVER.  The episode introducing the dark turtles.  Where Leo’s like “if you’re really my clone, you should value honor and the code of bushido!” and his counterpart just... stares solemnly for an extended time before being like “lmao yeah nope” and sucker punching him was hilarious, and got a sharp laugh out of me.  Favorite moment in this season.  I actually liked this episode overall, too.

So.  Hm.  Mikey has always been very un-serious – a jokester, (verbally) a bit of a coward at times, easily distracted.  But as this season goes on it really feels like they’re amping it up/exaggerating those traits, to the point of stripping away anything else at times. Similarly, his brother’s willingness to indulgence/reactions to his silliness seems to fluctuate wildly, but on a downward trend - they always razzed him, but in this season... well they paired his increased goof-offs with increased put downs/jokes about it. This, while a bit annoying to me as a characterization choice, does track on a more meta-textual level.  By this point it’s 2006-2007.  2007 is the year Big Bang Theory aired, which I find to be, uh…. Tonally representative of the cultural attitude in the US between 2008 annnnd… 2013-ish?  There was this extra-concentrated feeling of, like… snideness and sarcasm that I remember around that time period.  It’s also very prominent in TMNT 2012 – especially in Season 1 (when binging that show I was hit by high school memories so viscerally that I said, out loud, “oh, GOD, we really were all Like That, weren’t we?” only a few episodes in).  Similarly to my post about the increasing frequency of the “Gibbs slap”, I find it interesting to see the way the changing attitudes are reflected in the same show as time passes.

LET STOCKMAN REST jeZUS

Overall, I see three kinds of episodes in season 6: mediocre, good, and what I call “good but out of order”.  What I mean by that last bit, is like… okay, the Graduation episode was good in theory, but felt very strange coming after Season 4/5, you get me?  Things where the concept is solid, but seems to be placed in the wrong position in their arcs, which I think is a knock-off effect from the lightened tone of the season.

Oh.  I just got to the second episode of S7 and.  I don’t…. hm.  So, I could deal with the simplified designs in Fast Forward, because they got some cool new gear stuff added in as well, but this is.  Uh.  Worse. But even beyond that – the dynamics also feel sort of off.  If Casey has been going to this gym for a while, why is April only now doing something about it….?  I don’t feel like she would have let this go just because the guys weren’t there. Also I'm putting it down here now that I think the whole digital world thing is kinda dumb

I do think 2012 looked at a lot of the ideas for S7 and went “interesting idea, we can do it way better”, which I commend them for.  Admittedly, these can also be stock tropes: April getting possessed also reminds me of Ghost Busters/Zuul, and mind control is a pretty standard trope, but… well, you know.  2012 took so much else from 2003, you can’t help but wonder if they pulled inspiration here, too.

Oh they are wayyyy over-using the Shredder/Foot Clan sting/motif this season and it is getting,,, annoying,,,

I kept waiting to see what they were doing with it, but they did not handle Donnie’s guilt arc with anywhere near the finesse they did Leo’s.  It wasn’t… horrible, I guess.  It’s just notably lacking in comparison. They didn't even have Leo really sit down with him to talk about his own experience like???

I did appreciate them bringing back all those side characters in the finale.  I’ve already mentioned I love the plethora of allies and friends they gave the turtles in this iteration, so obviously that was going to please me, though they could have gotten a little bit better showing in the final fight.

Lmao the guy I thought was gonna be rat king!!!!  He’s there lurking and watching in the distance???

Good show!  But yeah I’d agree with people who say that the heart of the show is really in the first 5 seasons.  After that the characters and stories feel a bit… flattened? The more I pushed through the last two seasons, the more I was missing the first 5, which I really, really enjoyed. Ranking on my personal tastes of the series I’ve watched so far, meeting each show where it's at, it goes Rise > 2003 > 2012.  Rise and 2003 are really close, with Rise just beating it on account of “it was my first show” and also “I REALLY like anime bullshit”, although there’s potential for that to shift or fluctuate as it marinates in my brain. That being said, 2012 is the one that makes the creative part of my brain go crunch-crunch, so take that as you will. Continuing to go backwards puts me at the 1987 series, so I suppose that’s next.  I have plans to watch the new TotTMNT with family during the holiday season, so unfortunately I’m up for an (agonizing) wait on that one.

[queenofbaws]

Hey Queenie! I see that you're being very smart and foresighted regarding your time for the rest of the year (kudos for that - I always just end up in blind panic, trying to get all my advent/Christmas stuff done in time... more or less😅... it's not a system, but unfortunately a tradition at this point ;)

Anyway, for the six sentence weekend wrap-up, may I suggest some LauraMax, combined with no. 14 from the 3 words prompt list "Three more hours." ? Hope that the end of the year will be kind to you! <3

A ray of sun crept through the curtains and landed on his face, slowly but surely waking him from his deep (deep, deep, deep, deep, deep) sleep, and as Max yawned and stretched and his hazy dreams began to fade, his first thought was a clear and resounding: Maybe Travis had been right all along...the Harbinger Motel was pretty nice!

His second thought came through twice as clearly: Hey, actually, fuck Travis! And that was what woke him for real, causing him to snort a sleepy laugh before burying his face in the crook of Laura's neck, squeezing her close.

Her breathing was still a little too even, a little too deep, her skin still sleep-warmed, but she murmured a bit at his movement, each syllable muzzier than the last.

"C'mon, up and at 'em." He gave her middle another squeeze before turning the covers down, and bluh, talk about a mistake. The night's chaos hadn't exactly afforded them an opportunity to find real pajamas, so the second the sheets were off, there was no choice but to reckon with everything they'd escaped - grit, grime, and all. Max frowned, suddenly considerably more awake than he wanted to be.

Beside him, Laura mumbled again, numbly raising one of her arms to bat at the sheets until she could pull them back up to her chin. Like a little kid only pretending to sleep, she tucked her hands beneath her cheek, her breath evening back out, and...and there weren't words for the way his heart ached at the sight of her.

Two months. Two months they'd been robbed of this, of everything - of sheets, of mattresses, of waking up to the sun on their faces and their arms around each other, hands and feet all pins and needles after a night spent under someone else's body weight. Two months that they'd never get back or be able to explain away, two whole months of being held prisoner because of someone else's shitty mistakes.

He laid back down. The plan had been to split the moment the sun was up, to get out of North Kill as fast as they humanly could, but...but last night had been long. It'd been long for him, and he could only remember snippets; he couldn't begin to image how long it'd been for her.

"Okay," he said, resuming the honored position of big spoon as a second ray of sun slid through the curtains to join the first, wrapping his arms around Laura to hold her close to his chest. "Three more minutes."

"No," she muttered, the fuzziness at the edge of her voice suggesting she was definitely still more asleep than awake, "nononono...three more hours."

Max pressed a kiss to the spot just behind her ear, then closed his eyes, already feeling himself lulled by her presence alone. "Mk, three more hours," he agreed, smiling into her hair.

"At least."

"At least. Yeah."

[driftward]

Log entries 141-407

Log Entries 141-200

Summary rollup. Madam Commander is fine. Training continues. Scout had some wise words. I guess.

Log Entries 201-250

Summary rollup. Madam Commander is fine. Future planning logged.

Log Entries 251-300

Summary rollup. Madam Commander is fine. I am not fine.

Log Entries 301-350

Summary rollup. Madam Commander is not fine. Why do I keep summarizing she is fine she is not fine her aether is still flat why did I mention I was not fine I am FINE my aether is just weird and fat and I still can’t risk doing anything

Log Entries 351-372

Summary rollup.

Bluh. I have been feeling bluh.

The Madam Commander’s friends have begun to be rather insistent on the details of her … courting.

Not sure how I feel about this. The fiasco with the Chirurgeon was not that long ago.

But there is something interesting happening here, and dammit, I want in on it.

Log Entry 373-388

Forget the summary SHE DID IT THEY DID IT THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY EXISTENCE

Log Entries 389-400

Okay summary rollup Right. Yes. The Madam Commander is, actually, fine. Despite her condition. Her friends will take care of her. The Madam Archon is practically bonded to her. She’ll be fine.

Okay now it can be about me.

I am going to place a deeply dissatisfied noise here.

Hnfh.

What can I do, though?

~*~

Apple slowly blinked her way back to full consciousness.

She was in the infirmary.

She rubbed her eyes, yawning, her thoughts slow and syrupy. And then she heard a voice next to her.

“I think you stole my bed,” said a clear, calm voice with almost a musical lilt to it.

Startled, Apple shot up, and looked over to see Zoissette’s warm, comforting smile.

“Oh, no. Oh, nonononono,” Apple heard herself saying. That was meant to be with the inside thoughts, but she remembered everything.

“Whoa hey calm down it’s okay we’re all friends here! We got you!” said a deeper, more boisterous voice, and Apple turned to see Ryss waving her hands.

“Oh no is everyone okay I’m so sorry I did such terrible things I was just trying to help and it got out of hand! I jus-”

Apple slowly petered down as Ryss went ‘shh shh shh shh shh’, and Zoissette reached over to hold her hand while she patted it. She looked down at her hand, then over at Zoissette, and felt her face beginning to burn.

“I think we might need to add another axiom to the laboratory board,” said Zoissette. “About learning from the mistakes of others before making our own mistakes.”

Someone snorted, and Apple looked over to see Mathye looking at a medical chart. Y’shtola stood next to him, her gray gaze seeming to pierce straight through Apple’s very self.

It was almost too much, and she pulled her hand back to cover her face while waving the other one in front of her. Despite her embarrassment, though, she felt welcoming hands patting her on the back, welcoming arms hugging her, welcoming people welcoming her back.

“…thank you for getting me,” said Apple.

“Of course,” said Zoissette, exchanging a knowing glance with Ryssthota. “We never leave one of our own, no matter how dire.”

Mathye fussed, and began to kick everyone out so he could do his job, but as they went, Apple ran Zoissette’s words over and over in her head.

~*~

“Well, that sounded like quite the misadventure,” said Ement conversationally over tea. He was still in temporary quarters at Gage Acquisitions. Nice place. Nicer than his place in Ishgard, anyroad.

He wondered, briefly, if he could lever a sliver of his sister’s reputation to secure someplace half as nice.

No point to thinking about it, though. He never would. She was free as could be from the family, and didn’t need the burden of taking care of any one of them.

Zoissette just shrugged as she poured herself another cup. “Just another day at the star’s premier Echo enhanced adventurer service.”

“Gage pay you to say that?” He asked, and she just shrugged again. “Speaking of, seems like you must be getting along better now. Out and about, fighting gods again.”

“Hardly a god, just a mismanaged summon.”

“Right, remind me what a primal is again?”

Zoissette frowned over her cup at him. “I thought you hated it when I talked about classifications and definitions?”

“Unless it serves my purpose, which in this case, is to needle my dearly beloved bigger sister who keeps getting herself into even bigger trouble.”

Zoissette smiled at that. “I think it was my friend who got into the bigger trouble this time. I was just one of the ones who helped get her out of it.”

Ement smiled in response, and said softly, “She’s back.”

“Hmn?”

“Eh, forget about it,” he said. He took a sip of his tea.

Well, thinking of being a burden. Now was as good a time as any to talk about it.

“I’ll be going back to Ishgard soon.”

“Thank you for staying as long as you have,” said Zoissette. “I appreciate it. I truly do.”

Ement nodded. “I’ll be taking a job when I get there.”

Zoissette’s eyebrows went up, and she leaned forward, interested.

“His high lordiness the great Count Durendaire is, apparently, expanding his airship fleet, and needs pilots,” he said. “And your friend Francel has vouched for him, so it’s on the up and up as far as I’m concerned. Advancements to my breathing box means it’s something I should be able to manage well enough. Maybe even better than you people who have the immense drawback of not being used to breathing manually.”

Zoissette, to her credit, winced at his bad joke, but not at his rebreather. She was one of the few who had gotten used to it being a part of him, who did not look at him with pity or disdain for having it.

Even mother could not manage that, as icy cold as her demeanor could be.

“I’m thinking about going into scouting and exploration,” he continued. “The boys at Skysteel are excited. They’re set to rig me with a more robust aetherotransformer, like the ones the machinists use. I’m going to ask them for a firearm, too. Maybe I can be half the hero you are one day.”

Zoissette smiled up at him. “Funny. Living up to your example is what I have been trying to do all these years.”

Ement scoffed. “Living down to it, you mean, I am several ilms shorter than you. And please, the only reason I’m only aiming for half is because that’s all that’s left of me. Look! An overgrown flying alien lizard bit me! Right here!”

He gestured emphatically, and Zoissette laughed. He grinned at her.

“You. Are. Terrible,” she said, and Ement laughed as well. “Good, though,” she said. “Fair winds for you. Let me know if I can help.”

He waved her off. “Nah, I’ll be fine,” he said. “Just like you’re fine. Don’t need me around anymore, I can tell, not if you’re out and about punching danger again. Speaking of, you going to get back to it? Start heroing again?”

She looked down at that. He’d touched a nerve, and hadn’t even meant to. Damn it, he was supposed to be helping.

“I do not know, actually,” she said, her voice quiet. But then she brightened before he could say something. “But maybe do not worry about me. I will be happy knowing my big brother is out reaching for the skies. And I have my friends here. I will be fine.”

And other lies she tells herself, Ement thought automatically.

But her smile was genuine. And she was relaxed, which was a novelty.

Maybe this time, she was right.

Or at least, right enough for big brothers to not meddle further.

He nodded, and waved his cup of tea in the air at her. “To new adventure, and new opportunities, then! Whatever they wind up looking like.”

“Hear hear,” she said, lifting her own tea cup, and clinking it against his. They both took a sip.

“…why hear hear, anyroad?” she asked, frowning, and he could not help but hold a hand up to squeeze his nose. Her mind was about to chase down one of its little endless kobold holes.

Well, if nothing else, she was ever his sister.

~*~

Thancred was studying the grass outside of Gage headquarters when the narrow face of an Elezen tilted into his view, her eyes quizzically looking up at him.

“I do not think you will find Aeryn there,” she said, cheerfully, and he smiled at her.

“Ah, everyone’s favourite mad scientist,” he said, breezily. “I’m not actually looking after her for once. I was hoping to catch one of your compatriots whilst they go hither and tither.”

Zoissette frowned lightly at him, and he kept his gaze on her as she straightened back up, rubbing at the small of her back as she looked around.

“Want me to check the directory?”

He waved a hand at her. “Don’t bother, I already asked Dark about it. And this is my problem, not yours. I swear, we should just rent the upper floor and declare that the new Scion HQ, we’d be much better positioned for keeping an eye on you maniacs. First you have your little journey, and then Apple was apparently making voidsent egi, and now…”

He trailed off. He didn’t actually want to talk about that just now. She tilted her head at him again, raising an eyebrow.

“Ah, don’t worry about it,” he said, realizing he was actually looking forward to a bit of a respite. Zoissette could be good company, and he had time. “Tell me, how are you handling yourself? Gunblade’s come in handy, I hear?”

Zoissette nodded. “It has become an essential part of my toolkit. Oh! Here, actually. I have been meaning to thank you for the cartridges, and we have made some cartridges of our own in the workshop. Collaboration between the whole science team. Apple made some interesting discoveries a while back about interference patterns, and Ryss has new spell works she wanted to try out. I have some here.”

She transferred some cartridges into a small bag, and held it out to him. He took it, and looked them over with a practiced eye, before nodding and tucking them away.

“Those look like offensive load outs. Anything I should know?”

“Make sure your breach is reinforced. The blowback on them will be punchier than what you are used to, I imagine - we call those ‘dragon breath’ cartridges. They simulate their namesake. And if you can find an actual dragon to charge them, you will find they live up to the name quite nicely.”

“Very nice,” he said appreciatively. “The wonders you people get up to never seem to cease.”

“Well,” she said, “I have had a lot of time on my hands.”

She fidgeted, and suddenly looked uncomfortable, if he was reading her right. He clapped a hand on her shoulder.

“I understand, friend,” he said, quietly. “It takes some getting used to, doesn’t it? But you do get used to it.”

Zoissette looked away. “… I do not wish to complain. I am luckier than many. I know you have faced similar issues with your aether, and there was a time when your vision bothered you greatly. I can still see, even if I see … oddly, sometimes. And I have some access, it is just… flatter.”

She smiled at him, a crooked and watery sort of look. He sighed.

“I’ll have none of that, now,” he said. “We’ve all got our burdens to carry. Some are heavier than others, but we also have our different talents and abilities, all in different measure. What’s important is what you do with it. And I’ll never begrudge you your trials. If you’ll not hold my shortcomings against me, I won’t hold yours against you, no matter how they compare.”

She looked up and out, at the sky, as she often did. He waited until she looked back to him.

“That is surprisingly good advice,” she said, quietly. Then she smiled, a better smile, a stronger smile. “Ever consider listening to it?”

��Hells, no,” he said, with a laugh. “But enough about that. How about we take these new cartridges of yours, and you show me what you’re really made of these days?”

The smile deepened, and her eyes turned sharp, and he grinned.

“That’s the right stuff,” he said. “Alright then-”

~*~

“Show me what you can do!” C’oretta cried out.

Zoissette nodded from where she was bouncing from foot to foot, more relaxed, calmer than C’oretta had seen her. She was finally figuring it out maybe but C’oretta couldn’t be sure unless she pressed her and well she thought now was finally the time to press her and so that was what she was going to do.

Zoissette spun, and with a flick of her wrists, her chakrams were out. C’oretta was quick to meet them with throws of her own. They both started out slowly at first, but they were past warmup, and all she had to do was wait for the moment to pounce, and she could almost see what Zoissette was going to do before Zoissette knew it.

Though every once in a while she did surprise her, moving oddly in some way C’oretta weirdly couldn’t catch but that didn’t mean anything C’oretta only had to be a little bit faster than Zoissette and in fact C’oretta was actually a lot faster.

The chakrams flew back and forth, faster and faster, C’oretta thrilling in the adventure of movement, of the joy and power of her body, in pushing herself and her student and then suddenly there it was.

Zoissette was, at last, answering.

They were moving, each pushing against one another, movement answering movement. C’oretta could still predict Zoissette’s movements, but now the predictions were narrowing, Zoissette more frequently leaving her only one opening, but as C’oretta flowed into the openings, she forced the same back on Zoissette. It was answer and response, poetry in movement, the edge of a dancing duet duel.

They were in synch. Movements flowed like water, as they moved around one another, a true dance, equal parts improvisation and skill, and Zoissette seemed to be at last one with herself.

In synch, they moved, until at last, they came to a stop opposite one another, catching their chakrams at the same time and bouncing into mirrored ready stances, one chakram up to guard the face, the other at the side, ready, legs lightly crossed ready to spin out into an eternal tango once more.

C’oretta jumped and cheered, and Zoissette staggered, and collapsed onto the lawn.

But she was laughing, too.

~*~

Y’shtola held Zoissette’s hand for a moment longer than was strictly necessary for her to give her the new cartridges she had prepared.

It was not like her to be so sentimental. But, perhaps, she was outgrowing her old master in ways that mattered and were important to her.

She was ever her own woman, after all.

“Well,” she said. “Your aether is no better, but no worse. I see no reason that we must needs continue to check up on you. Thus, as I know you shall be heading out again, I have brought you these. A mix of offensive thaumaturgy and restorative conjury, as you may need,” she said. “And also, I brought you this.”

She held up a single shell that seemed to be nearly a single crystal, shimmering in the patter on its surface, pearl white with blue flakes, with delicate engravings scratched carefully into its surface.

Zoissette frowned at it. “…that looks a bit like auracite.”

“Indeed, for that is what it is,” said Y’shtola. “Urianger helped me with Moenbryda’s notes on the matter. Thancred described the technique inscribed, that he once made use of himself. Apple helped with forming the crystal, and I myself imbued it with the energies necessary.”

As Zoissette carefully took it to examine it, she continued. “This shell, once ignited, should allow its user to escape any harm whatsoever for a short period of time. But make no mistake, it is only to be used in the direst of emergencies. The ability works by altering the flow of aether, thus separating the user from reality itself for a short while. To power such a puissant ability requires more than mere aether - and thus you see, the use of artifacted auracite ’tis no mistake. It shall pull from the life force of the user themself, leveraging your very self as an amplifier. And thus while it offers a great boon, it also presents a grave risk.”

“I am with you,” said Zoissette, reading the extremely fine inscription Y’shtola had inscribed onto the cap of the cartridge.

“Always,” said Y’shtola. She closed Zoissette’s hands carefully around the shell. “You have a penchant for misadventure,” she said, quietly. “My heart could not bear it if I did not provide you with as many tools as possible to ensure you come home.”

Zoissette was quiet a moment.

“Just as she did,” she said. Then, “thank you.”

“I am certain we shall yet find your familiar,” said Y’shtola encouragingly.

“It is not that. It is not… just that,” said Zoissette. “I know she is here, with me. At least part of her. I just find myself wondering how much of her I left out there.

“…much like I seem to have left part of myself out there.”

Zoissette had not talked much about her time in the rift, and other than a few questions they needed answered to help treat her, nobody had pressed overly hard. Now, Y’shtola found a chair near the bed, and sat down in it.

“You seem ever much yourself, though your aether is much diminished,” said Y’shtola.

Zoissette nodded, distantly. “I wonder if that is what happened to her. I wonder if enough of her got lost in one of those - I am not even sure what to call them. They were like stars, they were like memories. They were places, I know that for sure. And I think, I think maybe parts of me got left in each one. And parts of her too. Enough of me to put myself back together, but…”

“Not enough of her,” finished Y’shtola.

“Just enough for me to feel her presence, but not enough for her to actually manifest,” said Zoissette, grumpily. She shifted her weight on the infirmary cot, scooting to lean against the wall, and pulled her legs close, hugging them close to her.

“Perhaps an answer will present itself,” said Y’shtola. “Tell me more of these worlds.”

Zoissette was slow, halting at first, but she finally opened up. She told Y’shtola of the things she saw in the rift. The crystals that Y’shtola could recall seeing there from her own voyage through were apparently their own places, of a sort. Zoissette tended only to stay a short while in each one, before being thrust back out into the rift, drifting until she floated into another crystal, and rarely were two of them alike.

Each crystal was part of a story. Memories of places she was familiar with, though she had never been. Glimpses into possibilities that had never happened as far as she knew. She had met the people of her life, and found them different than she knew them.

And while in the rift, she was aware of Lavender’s presence, just like she was now, as though held in her heart, resting and waiting. In the worlds of the crystals, however, Lavender made her appearance, apparently looking nothing so much as like a childhood friend of hers.

Y’shtola made note of that. Perhaps Lavender had become tied to Zoissette’s memories in such a way they could not be separated. That made a kind of sense, in a realm where memory of possibilities apparently ruled.

Certainly, Lavender no longer lived in the Scholar crystal Zoissette carried with her.

It was like she had visited other lifestreams. Many and more where the myriad mysteries of the world, but some of what she described was familiar to Y’shtola, and she had found herself opening up in kind. Sharing what it was like, to have to hold tightly onto oneself against inextricable currents.

They both had to fight to maintain their very selves in those other places. And both held memories, their own and that of others. The difference was that for Y’shtola, it had been a fight against nonexistence, while for Zoissette, it had become a fight for identity, often losing herself in the memory of other places, only recovering once back out in the rift.

Many bells passed. And the end of their stories found them together on the bed, huddled against each other. Y’shtola felt oddly emotionally drained, and Zoissette looked to be no better, but there was comfort in each other. Even the armature, usually unceasing in its restless motion, had come to lay still nearby.

Y’shtola squeezed Zoissette’s hand.

“We will see her restored,” she said. Now she understood more. Lavender was no mere familiar, but a fierce companion in Zoissette’s long journey. And she had helped make her, had she not? Was she not the responsibility of both of them?

Zoissette squeezed back.

And you as well, if we can help it, thought Y’shtola to herself.

~*~

It had been another day at the laboratory, and Klynt had been bored near to tears the entire time.

She didn’t really need to be there, not anymore. The lab always had to have two, now, and while she was certain Zoissette could bypass that restriction easily enough, she’d shown no signs of doing so. The opposite, in fact. She always sought out someone when she visited, and often grabbed Klynt as well.

Which was why Klynt had been there, while Zoissette and Riven did something or another with the wards. Nerd shit. Not Klynt’s problem.

Fortunately now it was dinner, and she was sitting down with a big steaming bowl of the best stew out of Idyllshire, a goblin recipe of some sort that the rest of the Free Company wouldn’t touch. The chef was still willing to make it for her, though.

Zoissette sat down across from her with a pot pie of some sort. The woman had no taste.

“So hey, I’ve been thinking,” began Klynt.

“A dangerous way to pass the time. You saw where it landed me.”

“I have been THINKING,” Klynt began again. “About what we talked about the other day at the lab. About whether I should stay or I should go do my own thing.”

Zoissette used a knife and fork to peel back the upper crust on her pie, exposing the meat and vegetable filling within. “Made a decision, then?”

Klynt shook her head. “No. Not yet. But I thought you should know - I am thinking about it.”

Zoissette nodded. “Well, no rush, I suppose. I am just glad you are thinking about it, and not. How to say. Falling into the trap of the default decision.”

“I am doing something, though,” said Klynt. “Reinhardt’s offered me an opening. As a dragoon squire. I’m going to take it.”

She watched Zoissette carefully, as she slowly put her utensils down and looked over the table at Klynt.

And then, her face lit up, splitting into a broad smile that Klynt had only seen rarely.

Joy. Genuine, naked, unalloyed happiness.

“That’s great news!” she said, starting to wind up into one of her long meandering bits, but she stopped herself. “…that is great news, right? Is that what you want?”

“Dunno,” said Klynt, and then she grinned back. “But I’m willing to give it a go.”

Zoissette lit up again, and Klynt just sat back and exulted in her friend’s energy. It wasn’t often she saw Zoissette this happy. It was weird, a bit, that she was this happy on her behalf.

But as she went on, explaining Klynt the nuances of Ishgardian military decorum, and what it was dragoons did, what to expect, and other details Klynt could not possibly be arsed to pay attention to, she just let it wash over and through her. She couldn’t always keep up with Zoissette, and certainly wasn’t trying to do so now, but it was oddly charming how happy she was.

For her.

For Klynt.

As she ate her soup, she considered. Maybe Zoissette was right. Maybe she should be making harder decisions more often.

If she was going to have this kind of support backing her up, what did she have to lose?

~*~

Meya poked Zoissette gently on the forehead a few times, watching as her eyes snapped open and she sat bolt upright.

“You should go to bed, silly,” said Meya. Glancing to the side, she saw a plate of banana slices waiting. She picked it up as Zoissette quickly looked around, gaining her bearings.

There was a small wind crystal in the middle of the plate. Presumably to keep the banana fresh. And a note written in elegant penmanship.

“Meya?” asked Zoissette, as Meya read the note curiously.

“Don’t forget to eat - T” was all the note said, and Meya smiled. They were all looking after their scientist in their own way, and Meya suspected she knew who had left the plate there. Good thing, too. Meya had brought her something to drink, but had thought it too late for a meal. But a snack was probably a good idea, especially considering Ryss said she’d left her to her own devices bells ago.

“Wakey wakey, sleepyhead,” said Meya, offering the plate to Zoissette. “Here, you should eat - and have something to drink. And then you should go to bed. In a real bed.”

Zoissette looked sheepish as she took a few slices and ate them. “Sorry. I didn’t - uhm - did not meant to worry you. Who is the note from?”

“Oh, I don’t know,” said Meya cheerfully. Though she had her suspicions. She’d thank the woman on Zoissette’s behalf later, if Zoissette didn’t figure it out herself quickly. “What are you working so hard on, anyroad?”

“Have to get this submarine operational,” said Zoissette.

“You’ll make mistakes if you’re tired,” scolded Meya gently. “And you are always chasing after the rest of us to take care of yourselves. You should take your own advice. Here,” she said, handing over the chamomile tea she had brought.

Zoissette looked at it funny. “That’ll put me to sleep.”

“That’s the idea.”

Meya stood there, ready to be stubborn about it.

It wouldn’t be necessary. Zoissette ate another banana slice, then picked up the tea and drank it down rapidly before handing the cup back.

“…thank you,” said Zoissette. “Sorry again for being trouble.”

“No trouble at all, assuming you’ll be going to bed now?”

Zoissette looked over her work, and nodded.

“Help me button it up?” she asked, pulling herself out of the crawlspace she’d fallen asleep in.

Meya did what she could to help Zoissette up and out - as tall and heavy as Zoissette was, it was a bit difficult, but not too much. And she followed Zoissette’s instructions as Zoissette directed her around to sealing up the submarine.

“Why is this project so important to you, anyroad?” asked Meya, after they were done. Zoissette just rubbed her face, and looked a bit distant.

“Just… proving something to myself, I think,” said Zoissette. “Not sure yet.”

Meya nodded, but did not push.

“That stuff is hitting faster than I thought,” said Zoissette, slowly blinking and nodding her head a bit. “Help me to my room?”

“Of course,” said Meya brightly, taking Zoissette’s arm.

Less than a bell later, Zoissette was tucked in, and Meya whistled merrily to herself on her way back to her own quarters.

Taking care of her friends could be hard work, but it was rarely boring, and they were well worth the effort.

~*~

One of the many things Dark appreciated about Zoissette was how efficient the woman could be. C’oretta would often just walk into her office and dump herself in her chair and rattle on about Gods-knew-what for half a bell, Mathye was an endless font of complaints that she weathered for the good of the company, and frequently the others tended to be bad about getting to the point. Zoissette, however, knew how an organization was run. She would come in, make her report, get to the point, and get back to work.

She could be weird, to be sure, but what adventurer wasn’t?

So when Zoissette asked if they could take their usual one on one on a walk, Dark had raised an eyebrow, but not questioned it. It was an unusual request, but the woman had been through a lot of unusual things lately, and indulging her was literally the least Dark could do.

Outside, she found Gridania pleasant this time of year. That edge of summer coolness before the temperature really began to change, winds telling of the changing of the seasons, the smell of forest undergrowth and tall leafy trees. Good day for a walk. Dark strolled alongside a silent Zoissette, giving her companion space to feel comfortable talking about whatever it was she wanted to talk about.

They stopped at one of the stands to get some drinks, and Zoissette at last began to open up.

“Thank you for coming out here with me,” she said. “I guess I want to ask you for career advice? I think that is what this is?”

Dark just nodded, patient.

“I am thinking of leaving the company.”

“Hmn,” said Dark, taking a sip to cover her surprise and give herself a moment to gather her thoughts. “Where would you go?”

“Well, uhm, I am not sure,” said Zoissette. She ducked her head down a bit - unnecessarily, Dark was taller than her by a fair margin - to tilt her head and look carefully up at Dark’s face.

Dark didn’t even bother with putting up a poker face, and just regarded Zoissette coolly.

Whatever she saw, it apparently satisfied her, as she straightened back up.

“Can I be, uhm, a bit blunt?”

“If you like.”

Zoissette nodded her head and stopped, leaning up against a fence. Dark settled in nearby. “…back when you invited me to join up, I was trying to decide what to do with myself anyroad. More than a few people had shown an interest in me. You know, because I had the Echo.”

“And other talents aside.”

Zoissette waved that away. “Sure, but I think we both know it was primarily Hydaelyn’s blessing. And I did not know what to do. I could have stayed on as an assessor at the guild, but… I thought I could do more. I thought I should do more.

“But I was afraid, I think. And Gage Acquisitions seemed the safe answer at the time. Big company, good support network, still help out the star but from the safety of a desk doing legal business.”

“You’ve hardly limited yourself to just legal work at the company, Zoissette.”

“I know. I know! But, uhm, still. I think I have come to realize that that is the story of my life, a bit. Taking the safe option. And it is always what other people want for me. I mean, sure, sometimes I managed to find a way to do what I wanted, but…”

Zoissette trailed off. Dark looked up to admire the scenery. Sometimes you just had to let people spool themselves out, and this one wasn’t done yet.

“Maybe independent inspector. I am good at that sort of work, and I could make a living, see the world. Or… what I am really thinking about, I guess, is rebuilding my order. Here, I wanted to show you something.”

Zoissette dug into her bag, and held out a book to Dark. It looked to be terribly old, but intact, and well taken care of despite its age. She took it carefully, and leafed it open.

Older Ishgardian script, if she had to guess.

“That is one of the journals of Saint Thea, the matron of my order,” said Zoissette. “A holy artifact of sorts. It is from just before the second reformation period, between the … well, uhm, hang on, sorry. I am trying to stay focused. Right. Most of her writings were considered lost. But what I think actually happened was the Holy See was not interested in finding them. I think she was an early adventurer, judging from her writing. She traveled the whole star, it seems, at a time when such would have been thought nigh impossible.”

Zoissette seemed to make up her mind about something as she was going along. Or maybe she already had, and she was trying to build a case to Dark.

“I want to find the other journals. For that, I will be needing one of the submarines, I think. For traveling. And for the equipment I would want to take with me. And I want to rebuild my order. I can afford to buy out my contracts, and, uhm, though we are a bit of a minor order, we surprisingly can afford this.”

“And you want to quit the company to do this,” said Dark.

“It would not offer anything to the Free Company. And honestly, I do not want to do this for profit.”

Dark thumbed through the journal some more, and then closed it up, holding it out for Zoissette to take back.

“So what advice do you want from me, exactly? Sounds like you already know what you want to do.”

Zoissette took a deep breath in.

“Do you think I should?”

Dark crossed her arms, and looked at Zoissette, frowning lightly.

“You know you can come and go as you please,” she said. “We hardly try to control any of you. You’re adventurers. You’re all going to do what you want anyroad, we just make sure there’s insurance to cover your mishaps and leves enough to keep you all moneyed and occupied.”

Zoissette fidgeted a bit.

“And your submarine would need a crew, anyroad.”

“I know,” said Zoissette. “I was thinking mammets, but… but I guess that is where I actually really want your advice. I want to go. I will go, but I also … I also want the company with me, I guess.”

She rubbed the back of her neck and look sheepish.

“This isn’t the contradiction you seem to think it is,” said Dark, gently. “You’re not our legal counsel anymore. You’re not tied to that desk. Tell you what. Let’s keep you on the books as independent counsel. You won’t answer to Erick or me, but you keep the ties to the company.”

Zoissette looked around. “Will that work?”

Dark shrugged. “You’ve seen the contracts. You know you won’t be the only one. As for the submarine, let me propose a lending lease instead. You go do your exploring. We’ll need its carry capacity - and your talents, of course. Haul a few things for us, grab some salvage, and you can take it wherever you want. When you’re done, you can give it back if you like.”

Dark smiled. “And let me worry about finding the ‘profit’. You worry about going out there, finding your answers, and making the world a better place.”

“Really?”

Dark just nodded.

“I honestly thought you would try harder to talk me into staying.”

“Making sure I talk you into not doing this alone, and I’ve done that. The rest is details.”

Zoissette smiled, and nodded.

“I knew I was right to come to you about this. Thank you, Dark.”

Dark shrugged. “Hey, what are friends for?” she asked. “Speaking of, you’re still obligated to come to the holiday party. Not letting you out of that -that- easy.”

Zoissette stuck her tongue out at Dark, and Dark laughed.

“No but seriously.”

“I know, I know. I will be there.”

“Good.”

~*~

Zoissette leaned up against the fencing that was around the outside of Aurora Laboratories.

Her laboratory, even if Ryss was in charge for now. She’d have that fight, one day.

But that was not what she was thinking about.

She crossed her arms, and spent a long time just looking at the front door.

“You are not in there,” she said at last, seemingly to nothing more than the evening air. “I know you are not in there.”

She fidgeted, then tapped her own chest.

“You are in here. I know it. I can feel it. That link that has always bonded us to one another, and both of us to ‘Shtola, and even to the little anima doll.”

She shifted her weight.

“But in there… I saw what you did. We reviewed the lab records. I know what you did, and why, and that is why we are the way we are now, and, well, I guess I am trying to say… thank you. And I have not forgotten. I can not. I can feel you with me. And sometimes, well, I think I can hear you.

“That took some getting used to. It was like a voice in my head, like my own thoughts. But not like my own thoughts. Just a lot a bit off. But I want you to know, sometimes, I can hear you.”

She smiled.

“And it has been… reassuring. To know you are here. That you have been with me this whole time. It has helped. So thank you.”

Zoissette took a deep breath in, and let it out slow.

“I find people… difficult,” she said. “And I never really saw how much they cared. But somehow, knowing what you did, and knowing you are with me, makes it easier. Makes it easier to see how they care. Makes it easier to… to understand, I guess.”

Zoissette looked up at the sky.

“I am here, and I matter. And you being with me is a reminder of that, even if I cannot hear you all the time, even if I cannot see you.”

She pushed off the fence, and began to walk around the outside of the laboratory. “Do you remember when we first instantiated you, all those summers ago? When we both had to focus, to instill you with purpose and an independent sense of self? It was funny, at the time. Since Shtola and I were both working so hard on you, and were both tied to your creation. Ardashir thought for sure we would mess it up.”

She smiled at the memory. “But we both wanted the same thing. We all should have known, really. We wanted you to be free to choose your own destiny. Shtola could not imagine you any other way. And I… I guess I wanted you to have the choices I thought I never had.

“…but then you decided to stay with me. You could have left, to make your own way, form your own life adventure, but you stayed. And you have been my companion ever since.”

Zoissette stopped, and looked at the lab once more.

“And now it is up to me to make sure you are not left behind or forgotten. Shtola has been helping. So have the others. I do not know how much of me you can hear, but we have theories to try out. Tomorrow, I shall make for the Isle of Haam, to visit the Atherfont. Maybe whatever happened to my aether happened to you, too, and there is not enough for you to manifest. Well, Shtola has shown me enough thaumaturgy and conjure that we are going to try to pull the other from the land, and reignite you that way, and in a land so rich with aether, that perhaps we will succeed.

“And if that does not work, we shall simply try something else.”

Zoissette put her hands on her hips, and nodded firmly to herself.

“There is a puzzle here, and I will solve it,” she declared.

~*~

Log entry 407

The Madam Commander has a plan.

[pesterloglog]

John Egbert, Roxy Lalonde

Act 6, page 6989-6990

JOHN: poor rose.

JOHN: she was always too brave for her own good.

JOHN: this is exactly what happened last time.

ROXY: last time?

JOHN: um.

JOHN: it was years ago.

JOHN: when jack killed our parents.

JOHN: and we tried to fight him but we weren't strong enough to face him yet.

JOHN: so he killed her.

JOHN: but at least that time...

JOHN: i could bring her back to life.

ROXY: how

JOHN: uh...

JOHN: just, like...

JOHN: using a certain method.

JOHN: that is not an option anymore.

ROXY: ...

JOHN: that's the weird thing about this for me.

JOHN: i'm sitting here, looking at my dead friend.

JOHN: and it's really sad.

JOHN: but at the same time...

JOHN: all of this has already happened before.

JOHN: the death and tragedy and stuff.

JOHN: getting painted into the corner of yet another unwinnable situation.

JOHN: it keeps happening.

JOHN: and i don't know how to stop it!

ROXY: yeah

ROXY: me neither

JOHN: but we can't give up, right?

JOHN: i mean, we've all been in worse situations and gotten out of those, right?

ROXY: er

ROXY: have we rly

JOHN: well...

JOHN: hm.

JOHN: no, i guess we haven't.

JOHN: i guess this like, may be quite literally the worst thing that's ever happened??

JOHN: i mean, not to put too fine a point on ranking shitty things.

JOHN: but this is about as unbelievably shitty as it gets.

JOHN: i keep thinking about what i could have done to...

JOHN: or what i STILL could do if only i...

JOHN: if somehow i could learn to control this...

JOHN: or like, even better understand this...

JOHN: this stupid, zappy, retconny...

JOHN: WHATEVER IT IS.

JOHN: bluh.

ROXY: john yo

ROXY: chill

JOHN: chill?

ROXY: yes

ROXY: maybe we should try to like

ROXY: not worry about shit so much anymore

JOHN: why not?

JOHN: there are so many problems!

ROXY: i know

ROXY: i know all about the problems

ROXY: and we are both way brave and all

ROXY: im sure between us we proved that hella many times already

ROXY: but man

ROXY: i never wanted anything more than to meet my mom

ROXY: to meet rose i mean

ROXY: and to just

ROXY: be with her and talk

ROXY: and try to understand this bond i felt like we always had without ever knowin each other

ROXY: i kept getting so close

ROXY: dreamin about her...

ROXY: wakin up too soon...

ROXY: and finally

ROXY: the last time i woke up

ROXY: was just in time to see her die

ROXY: its like

ROXY: the witch was holding out just long enough for the dream to feel like a real possibility

ROXY: before taking it away

ROXY: then u take that ultrasad thing

ROXY: and pile on all the other brutal manure raining down on this epic shit charade

ROXY: and ive got to say john

ROXY: this is starting to feel an awful lot like the end

JOHN: the end?

ROXY: yeah

ROXY: whatever the end of the road feels like

ROXY: has gotta feel like this

ROXY: maybe we should just

ROXY: admit to ourselves this is probably what its like when you find yourself in a timeline where everything went wrong

ROXY: and you know it means youre doomed

ROXY: and the only thing left to do is face the fact you have to ride it out into nothingness

ROXY: stop worryin so much

ROXY: and try to let it go

JOHN: you mean, like.

JOHN: ...

JOHN: what do you mean?

ROXY: i mean

ROXY: accept that we lost

ROXY: admit that the people we wanted to be with

ROXY: the life we always wanted

ROXY: it was never gonna happen

ROXY: except maybe in the afterlife

ROXY: our friends are there

ROXY: callies there

ROXY: my mom is there

ROXY: why shouldnt we be there too

ROXY: why not just

ROXY: let the doomed timeline work its gloomy majyyks

ROXY: and slip away into nothing with the rest of this mess

JOHN: ...

[thedeliverygod]

quick rant & I know I've talked about this with co-workers/and kinda friends too but idk if I've mentioned it on here

but it's fucking unfair that I can't afford to live because I'm a single person

like in all honesty I would love to be in a long term committed relationship but also I was deeply hurt by my past one and am cautious to date again. and I'm not just gonna throw myself at random people to try and make something stick out of desperation because that has never been the way I am

people I know who are in relationships struggle too but they aren't *drowning*. they still generally manage to go on an occasional trip or go to a concert, things I can't do unless my family pays for it for me (like god bless my sister for paying out the ass for condos the past few years at the beach and both her and my mom for paying for dinners/etc or else I wouldn't be able to go)

and the other single people I know who aren't struggling still live at home. since my stepmom passed (she was a great person but also living with her not great for my mental health) I probably could handle living with my dad but he also acts annoyed like it any time I mention it as a back up plan and and is like "IT NEEDS TO BE TEMPORARY" and its like dad I don't want to fucking live at home at 31 but this economy is literally killing me from the inside out.

I'm getting a headache thinking about it honestly. and like I know roommates are a thing but friends are either too far away or in a long term relationship so yeah. and I'm not putting my life and Salem's life in the hands of someone I don't trust. If anything ever happened to him I would never get over it.

also generally 'fresh/healthy' food is sold in portions that are not able to be eaten by one person without going bad before its finished so

tldr: I hate how the USA and its economy and just everything is catered to people in relationships and bluh

[daphnebowen]

more season four episode one things

okay guys because I’m obsessed I’m rewatching season four this time actually recording things because last time I just did what I could remember. That was also from a while ago (when i originally wrote it) some stuff might be the same but do I care? No. I was gonna jump right to episode three but then I thought “am I really gonna miss ‘maybe this time’ and ‘puppy love’ for this? No.” So yeah. Here we go! FYI, most of these just might be quotes because I’m basically brain dead right now.

THE RINA CUEEEEEE and ginas proud little smile

I absolutely love Ryan’s sparkly suit

Monique, Corbin, kaycee, and Lucas sound soooo good!!! Lucas especially he is really belting

“they have been silent in the group chat” 💀 gets me every time

ms Darbus sounds the exact. same.

EW. EW. MACK IS - UGH 😑

Richard is screaming. I mean, I get it, I would too if my girlfriend was kissing someone else, but chill dude

“no boys?” Girl. Gina’s super smart. She can handle a boyfriend and worry about her future. I hate her so much.

mike 💀 RICKY PAY ATTENTION - I hope those clothes were clean~

AWWW HE HAS GINA IN A PHOTO ON HIS DESK <3

”be safe” is crazy 💀

”don’t… try not to mess that up.”

”that would have been thoughtful” he’s not slacking in the boyfriend department at all

”just kept us for us” is sooooo freakingggg sweeeeeetttt “as long as we’re an us” AHHH FIND ME A MAN LIKE RICHARD BOWEN

gina: shushing Ricky. Ricky: proceeds to make more noise on his way out of the window 🤦🏼‍♀️ what is wrong with him

kourtney and Carlos are slaying

”we need to sign him up and get him educated” girl same

Ashlyn is so lost lmao

miss Jenn gets their attention so flawlessly my teachers could never

I wanna see Richard bowen’s senior prank… 😃

theyre so disappointed about doing hsm again lmao “high school musicale?!”

the east high leopards mascot is actually so disturbing

”mentally I’m not here” lmao sameeee!

”the whole gang” mins Troy Gabriella and Sharpay as per the first five minutes of the show right?

coach literally spit while saying “America’s favorite couple”

woke. I can’t.

bart Johnson is so hyped

”if it’s Mack somebody stop me before I flirt with him” “Carlos!” “Yeah, Carlos!” Ricky is so jealous omg

”Mr bluh?”

miss Jenn looks like she’s about to pass out when Monique and Lucas walk in 😭

JESSICA IS CRAZY

poor Ricky I just want him to be happy

“if Alcatraz and 7-11 had a baby” Quinn 💀

they’re dead. The farm is heaven. Why did he say that so bluntly???? The way Gina’s face fell was so sad too

”I bet he sheds a lot” PLEASE

can I just say I think Ricky is way better looking and just way better than Mack??? Like this boy has nothing to worry about.

Kourtney turned British there for a moment lmao

gina cannot improvise holy crap

“opposites do attract” THE LOVE IN HIS EYES I CANT

HOMECOMING I CANT THEY ACTUALLY LOOK THE SAME

the fact that they made Ricky’s hair darker for the Valentine’s Day part is actually crazy

“wow” part 1

Raisenets are nasty

i wanna see kourtneys instagram like I bet it’s so cute

why the freak does Dani want to know about Ricky like hop off he’s in a very serious relationship

”WISH WE WERE CUDDLING” omg WHAT (tho tbh… that would be sooo cute. I want a spin-off of just rina. No one else. Just rina one shots irl)

[roxyteal]

Little do any of us know, that Viktor's actions are only the beginning... (Long long long long long)

"Alright. Now to detail my bewilderment (and internally, fear)."

"I'm going to miss that sign. Almost as much as the garbage can. Sigh..."

"Bluh, what now, Billy?"

"Hey. C'mon now. Bold of him to assume I worked alone. Nah. It was a guy who likes to work in my basement bunker. Cool guy. Very smart with the programming shit.

(By the way. The timeframe here isn't canon. It would've been later in the year. Just roll with it, lmao.)"

"Anyway, I don't think Billy'll get it, so I'll take the L for my friend."

"Uh." "uh..."

"Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh meow?"

"Fun fact. Festivale 2020 was on the 24th of February. The last day of Winter. Meaning that right after, the snow was finally fucking gone. Rejoice."

"If you could move in here someday, I would not complain a single bit. We would love to have you here. You are always welcome here. (Am I overselling it? Probably...)"

"You too. You're also always welcome here."

"OLIVIA???"

"Ohhhh shit."

"Do I look like I give a fuck?"

"Now we're talking."

"Shut up. I look fabulous."

"Oh shit, Leap Day. Uhhhhhh nothing special happened, sorry."

"HEEEY ITS MEEE IM BACK"

"finally caught this fucker"

"HELL YEAH!!! PRO DIVER GET!!!"

"uh. i guess??? maybe its from tryin to catch that spider crab or somethin"

"LUCKY FOR YOU I HAVE A KEY THAT CAN OPEN ANYTHING"

"AWWW YEAH WERE ROLLIN IN IT DUDE"

"i mean it aint bad ngl"

"noted, omg except ill pass on the veg also sorry corn bread asker, it was a loach-only contest"

"whAT THE FUCK WHY??????"

"ok i guess??????"

We end on a. A strange note. More wackiness to come!!!

[imgonnabehonest]

personal log 06 04 2024

let's start from the bottom and try to claw our way out, shall we?

first there's my dad. he's got stage 4 brain cancer and the doctors gave him 8-15 months to live about 17 months ago so. um and it shows. two and a half weeks about he was on the toilet and couldn't stand up, so my mom went in to try to help. apparently, this went on for about an hour before i came home to shower. my mom was taking a break when i got there so i didn't even notice anything was wrong for like. a half hour bc that's just how long he takes. my mom called my neighbor over to help. now, with the cancer and all, my dad's been on steroids for a year and a half. along with making you angry and irritable, steroids also make your skin very thin (literally). so with my mom trying to pull him up for the last hour, his arms had completely torn open and the bathroom was covered with blood. after about ten (probably?) minutes of the two of them not being able to get him up, and my neighbor's urging, my mom called an ambulance. bluh bluh drama, the next morning hospital says he's unresponsive, never going to wake up, and would be gone in 1-3 days

two hours later my mom texts us that he's up and hungry so she was feeding him soup.

anyway, he's home, in hospice now so my mom's getting a little extra help taking care of him. but it really seems like he's too much for her already. she said she wants to "do this for him" because it's only for a couple of weeks. i suppose she's sure he wants to stay.

she's also talking about researching more studies and treatments for him to try and "when he gets better" which is. frightening.

she's going for surgery in two weeks to have tumors removed from her bladder. i took off work to drive her because when she had cancer 15 years ago, i was too young to drive and my dad. couldn't? take her? for some reason. i don't know if he even had an excuse. but she ended up lying to them and telling them she had a ride when she was driving herself home.

took my cat to the vet, turned out to be nothing major but he needed to have his anal glands expressed. that could've been worse, at least

job frustrating. good people quitting and bad people. not actually being bad people but certainly not trying

ugh that's enough bye

[hospitalterrorizer]

diary223

4/25-26/2024

thursday - friday

going in for closing tomorrow.

and i am staying up too late now. i should sleep soon, but today i went out, it was nice and fun, i almost read something in front of people but did not, maybe i should have but i was nervous about the people there, but the reading was nice, better than the ones we usually get to see. it's interesting what people who aren't in school for writing get up to.

i would have read that random thing i spat out a few days ago, the 'assemblage' which i still need to throw more into. i didn't really do any creative work today, i just relaxed outside of work, which wasn't so bad, terribly dull and a waste of time and life, but not exhausting especially. tomorrow might be, cuz i am closinnng.

doesn't matter though, soon this really will be all over.

i do need to get the cds i was wanting to get off discogs too, and then a birthday gift for my gf... i have something in mind.

beyond alll thissss, idk. tomorrow i might try to record. need to sleep soon to get to that at a reasonable time since i need to leave at 1 pm. and then fix my sleep again.

bluh.

thinking more about doing a reading of my own writing is exciting, it's nice that there's a place to do it and that i've got friends involved in that. one person who i really enjoy seeing/hanging out with/talking to.

i also read more agua viva, it is very specific, it reaches at such an internal point of me, and i think the act of living broadly, it is hard to transmit what it does, it can hardly transmit itself, it is a stumbling thing, the speaker says often, i want inconsistency, the inconclusive, the ability to not answer, the ability to dissolve, the cavernous, the flow of becoming. i too want this, to be near this flow. and to be near it, a source of pain, as much as the wanting is the pain too.

it is hard to write about but the more time i spend with it, perhaps the easier it will become, all books, the clots of writing and thought themselves, not authors, but the words, both in sound and play and in meaning or meaninglessness, these represent other ways of thinking and seeing i think, i believe that really, each one you open into something else, to contend with, another place to be, and in drinking in that, the delicacy and the voluptuousness of each, you do not leave it behind upon finishing but it is a new fold in a fabric along your interior, more studded grows the life we lead, textured and sparkling, attention goes to stranger places.

this is part of, i think, what the book reaches at. this painter character makes efforts to escape painting, nothing in plot especially, it is simply spoken, to enter into words, shirking off the act of painting. into, i am not sure, speaking, words, not an explicit poetry but one which is implied not by form but by gesture maybe.

anyhow, i do need to be sleeping, but one maybe embarrassing thing i was thinking about today, recently a favorite yt channel of mine uploaded an 11 hour playthru of illbleed, it was one of the first things he did on his channel, and something about the game but also his presence makes me very happy, it's somewhere a part of me that makes me feel consistent with myself, those images, that voice. another one, watching the infinite review and hearing owen/mechagamezilla. weird and pathetic becuz most yt stuff is so so so disposable and that's almost the point of what these people i like do, discard for the sake of it. there is just something there, they have i guess been parts of my life for like, a long time, mechagamezilla especially. i like that he now does videos about stuff that is not games, i always want gamers(tm) to get out of that, just broadly, it feels like part of why videogames seem stuck in lots of ways, as an art or whatever you want to call it. it's almost by design though, they so often take so much time, as hobbies. especially with the development of effectively infinite games, seasonal multiplayer, gambling simulation, infinitely randomizable games, a lot of roguelikes. it is weird.

anyway, i need to sleep actually, so

byebye!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[rygoespop]

Thomas and Friends: Tales from Sodor (Story 53): SCruffey Strikes Back

Title Card: SCruffey Strikes Back

Scene opens with another meeting at Diesel 10's Mountain

Diesel 10: Alright Diesel and Barry, since George, Bulgy, and The Lorries have been punished, so it's time we get another one to help us!

Arry: Oooooh

Bert: Like who boss?

Diesel 10: Diesel, bring him in here

Diesel shunted SCruffey

SCruffey: So, you brought me all the way out here, to help you?

Diesel 10: That's right! We heard that lead the trucks!

SCruffey: Ooooh yeah! I'm happy to help you, as long as I get Oliver

Diesel 10: Fair enough!

Scene transitions to Knapford, it was a busy day

Narrator: Diesel 10 wasn't ready to give him, as the Steam Engines work hard

Oliver: *puffing in with Ice Cream Vans* Hello everyone!

Thomas: Oh, hello Oliver!

Oliver: I have brought the Ice Cream for the Knapford Ice Cream Shop! Now Mr. Evans will be proud of me!

Mr. Evans: Indeed I am Oliver! Thank you for bringing the Ice Cream!

Oliver: Your welcome sir!

Toad: I agree with Mr. Oliver!

Mr. Evans: Ah, excellent!

Thomas: Let's hope Diesel 10 isn't causing trouble right now!

Transitions to Henry arriving at Knapford Yards to collect his trucks

Henry: Alright, I gotta wait for the brake van! Philip should arrive right now

Unknown to Henry, Diesel arrived and he shunted SCruffey behind the cars

Henry: Oh, Philip?! Am I ready to go?

Diesel: *poorly intimating Philip* Uuhh uuhh yes! All set to go Henry!

Henry: Great! Then off to the docks I go! *he blew his whistle and puffs off*

Philip: *arriving with the Brake Van, but sees Henry already gone* Huh?! Henry wait!

But it was too late for Philip, Henry was already gone

Henry: Gotta hurry!

Scene transitions to Henry puffing through the coast line

SCruffey: Now when Henry gets to the bend, we'll push him into the siding and into the sea!

Henry: I sure am making for lost time!

SCruffey: Now!

The Trucks: On on on! *they push Henry to the siding*

Henry: Whoaaaaa! *he crashes into the buffers and splashes into the sea* Bluh bluh bluh!

Scene transitions to BoCo arriving with Rocky to fish Henry out of the water

Narrator: Soon, Diesel 10's problems have begun, with a truck helping him out

BoCo: Don't worry Henry, it happens to the best of us *he takes Henry to the Steamworks*

Henry: How can this happen? Why didn't the Brake Van stop?

BoCo: I guess there was no Brake Van

Henry: What?!

BoCo: I assume Philip was late

As soon as BoCo left with Henry, Diesel 10 arrived to collect SCruffey

Diesel 10: I'm impressed SCruffey!

SCruffey: Oh thank you Diesel 10 *chuckled* Get ready Oliver, I'm coming for you

Scene transitions to Edward, shunting Coal Cars under the Hopper

Edward: I gotta hurry and get this load ready for me to take to Brendam Docks

Arry shunted a line of cars and SCruffey and biff Edward under the hopper

Edward: *getting covered in Coal* Oh no! *coughing*

Scene transitions to Emily pulling cars of Flour, SCruffey was part of the train

SCruffey: Now! *he and the other trucks push*

Emily: Ooooh noo!! Stop stop! *sees a line of car full of Milk Churns* Uh oh! *she crashes into the Milk Churns as Milk splashed on her*

SCruffey: Heh heh heh!

Scene transitions to Diesel 10's Mountain

Diesel 10: So far, only three are out of action, only a couple more to go! Who shall we go after next?

SCruffey: I still wanna go after Oliver, I wanna get back at him for breaking me apart

Diesel 10: He'll wait!

Diesel: How about that Goody Two Buffers, BoCo?

Diesel 10: Hmmmmm, rather not! How about we try the Puffball?

Arry and Bert: Oh yeah! Let's do it!

Scene transitions to Thomas at Knapford Yards, as he buffered up to his Goods Train, which consists of a Truck full of Coal, a Cattle Car, a Salt Van, 2 Trucks full of Milk Churns, a Mail Van, 2 Box Cars, and a Tar Tanker

Thomas: So Mr. Evans, where is this going to?

Mr. Evans: Why to Brendam Docks of course!

Thomas: Oh, thank you sir! *he sets to puff away*

Mr. Evans: Not yet Thomas! You need a brake van!

Thomas: Oops! Thank you for reminding me sir!

Mr. Evans: I'll ask Stafford about shunting a Brake Van to you *he left*

Diesel 10 arrives and shunts SCruffey behind Thomas's train

Thomas: Oh, is it added Stafford?

Diesel 10: *poorly doing a Stafford Intimidation* Uuuhhhhh, y-yeah! Everything is set, Thomas!

Thomas: Great! *he blew his whistle and puffs off*

Diesel 10 cackles as he oiled away

Stafford: *arrives with the Brake Van, but Thomas was gone* Hey! Come back here Thomas!

It was too late as Thomas left, and Stafford knew his battery couldn't go fast

Thomas: Brendam Docks here I come!

Scene transitions to Thomas puffing through the Countryside, unknown that SCruffey was part of his train

SCruffey: On my Signal boys, we push Thomas down the hill

Thomas puffs up Gordon's Hill up as it was a long train

SCruffey: Alright boys, now!

The Trucks: On on on on! *they push Thomas down the hill*

Thomas: Cinders and Ashes!!!! *he puffs down fast*

SCruffey: Heh heh heh!

Thomas: Guard help! *Thomas was shock to see he has No Brake Van* Oh no!

Oliver was puffing down the line with Toad, until he sees Thomas racing down fast

Oliver: Thomas?! *he puffs after him*

Thomas: Heeeelp!

Oliver: *blew his whistle* Thomas! Slow down!

Thomas: I can't!

Oliver puffs backwards and much to his shock

SCruffey: Hello Ollie!

Oliver: SCruffey!

SCruffey: Once I'm done with him, your next!

Toad: I don't think so!

Toad's Guard emerges out with a Shunting Pole and he reaches the pole to uncouple SCruffey from Thomas's train

Toad: Come on Guard, you can do it!

Todd's Guard reaches until, the Pole grabbed onto the coupling

Toad: You did it!

Thomas: Well done Toad! Hurry!

Toad's Guard quickly uncoupled SCruffey from Thomas's Train

SCruffey: No!

Thomas: Points! *he screeched to a stop*

The Signalman changed the points, diverting SCruffey to a Field

SCruffey: Uh oh! *he crashes into a field and onto the Muddy field* Ugh! Get me out!

Oliver: Serves you right!

Thomas: You'll make a fine Scarecrow

SCruffey: Scarecrow? Noooooooo!!!

Diesel 10: *seeing what happened* Grrrrr!! They may have won, but it's far from over!

Scene transitions to the Engines, busy again at Knapford

Narrator: After SCruffey was a Scarecrow, the engines continued without worrying about Diesel 10

Scene transitions to Diesel 10's Mountain

Diesel 10: Well that's just great! First George and Bulgy, then the Lorries, and now SCruffey! Those Steamies will pay! *he clamps Pinchy*

Diesel: I say Diesel 10, allow me to get them next time

Diesel 10: Very well Diesel, get them, my Second in Command

The 2 Diesels chuckled as the camera pans to Diesel 10's face on the side of the mountain as the Scene cuts to black

To be continued

Story End

[pretty-volatile]

Monday, April 17, 2023 6:49 am

I'm currently I'm feeling pretty bluh. I've noticed that it's been hard to get to sleep mentally, whereas before being so physically exhausted would help me pass out right away. Um obviously I go through times where I'm a little/a lot more focused on a specific mental health facet (?) of myself and well...

First check in is that I've become a lot more acquainted with my autistic self. I think I've noticed fewer meltdowns/shutdowns/burnouts/overstimulation/overwhelm than before. I still 'mask' a lot, but I'm trying to be more myself and therefore being able to better regulate and recognize the things that send me into those moments. So yay. Can't be open with everyone, but those I have been open with are very kind and accommodating.

For ADHD, my partner and I have brought the return of my perpetual lists! All over the place indeed. But so helpful! So necessary! Otherwise shit wouldn't get done. Overall struggles with ADHD haven't been too too much to handle.

For my bipolar, it seems when I try to accommodate my ism I also tend to help keep my mood swings to a minimum. But I still fluctuate, I would just say not as bad as the big dramatic ups and downs that would cycle one after the other. I seem to be getting some more stability in between. Still go through my psychotic phases though, but that's mostly workable. My partner is there for me too especially during those times.

For my eating disorder, um, that's still complicated. I try not to weigh myself and try to wait a long time in between weigh-ins. For a while we were only eating a meal a day only cause I didn't have enough money for more food. This month is a little better so we get to eat more frequently. It's still hard not to listen to what my eating disorder makes me feel when my coworkers constantly talk about their eating/weight issues and just sound like a lot of disordered eating and/or unhealthy body image/relationship with their body. But I just try to take it day by day.

For my (C)PTSD um well of course that's something I'm always going to be battling with. I try to logic my way through my memories and trauma, and when I do feel the pain of the past, it washes over me completely and I get stuck. It's hard to process all by myself, and I feel bad for even the things that I have shared with my partner since I know they have their own trauma to carry.

But what has my attention again is my BPD. Since discovering I struggle with this and learning what I do that hurts people or hurts myself, I've truly made an effort to work on all those things. The black & white thinking, the splitting, the running away, the self-harming, the self-isolating, etc. I've learned that my BPD episodes really correlate with my CPTSD & autism and since I've been working on the others, I've been better at managing my more harmful BPD behaviors/thinking. I still struggle with the idea of self harm, while I haven't cut myself in years now, it's still something I look back on, craving like an addiction, not quite being able to let it go but knowing it's no good for me. This has extended to my other self harm tendencies, not just cutting. I still crave stronger drugs than weed sometimes to escape reality/myself. It's a big feeling to sit with, accept, and let go. I fear I could give in, but I'm lucky to not have access. I would day for the most part I'm sex-repulsed due to all the sexual trauma that I've finally had a chance to sit with and process. Unfortunately that has affected my sexualness with my partner, but it's also brought on a whole new level of intimacy and romance, while also still occasionally doing it *wink*. I still self isolate a lot. Mostly out of a fear of being left, rejected, forgotten, judged, or having any sort of strong attachment to someone that could have the potential to end in heartbreak. My partner is my one true person, my best friend, my soulmate, my love. Everything I could need and more. It just sucks not having friends sometimes, that aren't work buddies. But even friends stop talking to me eventually so... I certainly still deal with my black & white thinking, also thanks to the ism. I try to stop and rethink or opposite action, etc. But it can be hard and my partner often has to call me out on it. Even though my partner is my most stable, comfortable, safe, protective, reassuring love that I have ever had, I unfortunately still deal with projecting my trauma onto them. Of course it doesn't help that if it's something that's happened between us two before, even if not intentional. Trauma response just be like that sometimes *shrug*. My emotions haven't quite been up-down like before, but more of the empty, stress, depression, fatigue, fog, etc. That certainly hasn't been helped by COVID. But the inability to recognize or name my other emotions and having a specific set of emotions that I always pick from to TRY to remotely describe how I feel could also be due to alexithymia. I still have outbursts. I still get petty and cranky and irritable. I still get major secondhand stress from others. But the way I handle those things are a lot better. Even my partner would agree that my BPD has been more manageable, smaller things that we can confront head on rather than the big explosive shit that used to happen. Idk just thinking about whether I still deal with it/how much I deal with my BPD traits. Wondering if I had it to begin but realizing the reason why I don't have to deal with it as much is because I really have put in effort to put more love into myself and my life and my partner, to heal the trauma a little that caused all this. It'll take me my whole life, but it seems to be getting better in some ways.

Anyway I've been up way longer than i should be and now I'm going to go self loathe like i normally do. Ttyl~

[honeybeewhereartthee]

IMAGINE accidentally finding yourself in rinne village when his still living there as the next monarch and not run away from home yet.

MC: am I in another world? I don't remember being run over by the infamous truck-kun through.

Then they have this ' Oracle ' about a person from the outside world appearing in their village when their place is very hard to find unless your local there. And lucky you, you have the ability to get lost in the most stupid way like you have Zoro's blood run through you(only the being lost part is being inherited). So your the only outside visitor after a long, long, long time.

[ the outlander is the destined fated person of a fallen warrior monarch. Their descendants would be the key to get the glory of the ancestors --bluh bluh]

MC, daze after a long day of not eating and drinking after being lost in the forest or mountain biome don't process the words of the local who suddenly start worshipping and kissing your ass (metaphor one):...oh. who's that outlander... Is it a*ther and l*mine?

Cute red haired teen: it's you of course! Your going to marry big brother. 😁

MC: haha.

Cute red haired teen: haha haha

MC: hahaha haha.

Cute dumb red haired teen: hahaha. What are laughing at, sister in law?

MC:...

MC: people here are all weird.

You decided to run off that place that very same night, you did eat your full so you could survive out in the wild back to the city.

Through along the way of escaping, you meet another red haired in that village near the borders.

Seggsy red haired: what's good outside this walls?

MC: ...

MC: depend what you seek. But if you don't take risk to see the unknown you'll be stuck with regrets.

Also MC: man, quoting that deep of message makes me want to say Pog out loud but the drama in this scene can't be destroyed.

Seggsy red haired: is that so? Then you don't want to stay here ? You can live a very luxurious life being the spouse of the monarch.

MC: I don't even meet the guy, and you all weird with your tradition and all. Get a life. Goodbye seggsy stranger. You can pass the look of an idol btw if you go out this place.

And you runaway, somehow find yourself back to the city. Forget about the whole thing after a few years but then meet same cute red haired teen who yelled out of the open.

"BROTHER, ITS YOUR SPOUSE"

Btw, your in a concert since your friend dragged you in this place. It supposed to be a concert of idols but your stuck on your room for years since your quarantine (and your introvert which made it, more amazing ) so you don't know much what happen outside. Much less idols in idol industry.

Your lucky that your in the backstage (your Zoro's blood of being lost have triggered again) so only stuff and some folks in outfit (idols) heard and saw the scene.

Yellow wild child(aira): SPOUSE? HIIRO, LIKE YOUR OLDER BROTHER SPOUSE? *GASP, RINNE AMAGI HAVE A SPOUSE?! 👁️ 👄 👁️ 📸

others are just to shock to speak or careless about it (HiMERU)

MC: you most be mistaken.

MC: nope it's totally that teen from years ago. Damn. I almost forget about it.

Fleeing is the key, but even if you escape today who says you can escape forever? That being said you saw familiar faces when your out eating some sweets in the nearest cafe when your so hungry from long walk (being lost again for hours) when you open the door you dont notice someone looking at you till you felt your sense of space beings intrude by a arms being out around your shoulder.

Seggsy tall red haired: why I don't know I'll see my-- *teezzzzz

MC, who's holding a mini taser: keep your distance.

You heard laughing in some corner as your about to walk out of the cafe but your feet is been grab by the collapse no sense of space guy.

Seggsy tall red haired: ahaha... I like you.

MC: horrible choices || thanks I love myself too.

That same Day, you gain a leech on your life who bothers you more than fans of the team bothers you as his an idol--reason? He said his spouse like idols so he use that reason to run away from that other worldly village he lives in. Turn out his the older brother that other red haired called older bro and your so called spouse by oracle bluh bluh. And his name is Rinne Amagi.

Context: reader is known as MC. This is a crack fiction.

Hiiro Amagi speaking

Rinne Amagi speaking

The thoughts of the unknown

Oracle of the old time

PART 2

[2oul2ilver]

Ok, not to sound like a fandom old man about this (proceeds to sound like an old man) but I feel like over the years, as the game series grew, the RSE series just got... Really underappreciated as time went on, as younger generations came in on newer games and the like.

And I'm coming from a pov of someone who tends to stay on the outskirts and never got directly involved in the fandom, and the only memes I ever really became even remotely familiar with were things like 'u liek mudkip' and. Well. My least favorite, "Sinnoh Remake When", which has heavily affected how I understand the fandom, and why I bring this up now.

Full disclaimer, DPPt is a good game run, very fun, I enjoyed it and it introduced some of my favorites. And I fully understand how it's a darling for so many who started pokemon with one of those games. But if you didn't get to live the first 3 generations I don't think you understand just how revolutionary the RSE line, specifically Ruby and Sapphire, was at the time.

Because I started with the first games. Yellow, and Red. Gold, Silver and Crystal. But Ruby and Sapphire have always been my nostalgia games because despite not being my first pokemon game, they were a game of Firsts in a whole new eye-opening way.

Ruby and Sapphire was the first game in full technicolor, and the first game to have music that sounded like it was made with Actual Instruments. It introduced weather effects from your surroundings, and pokemon abilities and natures first made their debuts here. Double battles were introduced, revolutionizing pokemon battles in a fresh and exciting way, but so too were ways to play the game that Didn't revolve around battles. Pokemon contests and beauty stats, with ribbons and portraits to commemorate them, secret bases to decorate and personalize and make all your own.

These secret bases, along with tvs, also introduced fresh excitement when interacting with friends - you could trade records with each other so your exploits were televised in their games, and you could battle them anytime in their secret bases so long as you could find them (I spent many hours grinding pokemon to lv100 in a matter of days thanks to many op friend records saved to my file).

Diving underwater was also introduced at this time, and with it some of the most gorgeous scenery and music to date for underwater levels in this series (yes I'm biased but it really was incredibly serene for the graphics)

The rivals were the first to truly be friendly to the player. which - maybe is not entirely preferred for some; but after having Gary/Blue and Silver, rivals who ranged from aggressively competitive to downright hostile, was another fresh twist for the gameplay, to have Brendan/May to support you and help you along the way, or to have Wally test himself in battle with you, not to prove a point or beat you down, but to grow as a person himself and to cheer you on as you did the same.... it encouraged a sense of camraderie not seen before these games.

And then the plotline and villains? Mindblowing. This was the first time you fought an evil team that WASN'T Team Rocket, AND there were two of them that played a part no matter what game you picked? AND they actually had depth and nuance to their motives?? Say what you will about the character writing itself, but 'evil team that steals pokemon just to be evil bluh bluh' to 'evil team that commits atrocities and will not stop, but in a misguided effort to make the world a better place for pokemon'? That is a MONUMENTAL leap, and suddenly made them engaging! You weren't just thrashing faceless baddies for being thieves, you were trying to stop a group of misguided people from making a severe mistake!

And oh, what a mistake it was! A mistake so grand even the evil team leaders themselves stared in horror at the destruction they inadvertantly created. Awakening a legendary, and making it not only directly story relevant but threateningly so, because of their actions this legendary would rampage until it destroyed the world's ecosystem! There were stakes and motivation to stop that legendary, and no matter where you went the far reach of that legendary followed you, torrential downpours or blazing sun beating down on the routes furthest on the map possible from the pokemon.

I'm sure that honestly I'm forgetting some of the many new features brought in with these games, but Ruby and Sapphire really laid down the groundwork for future games in a way I don't feel like I've really seen since. Yes, the games reinvent the contests and side games, or new battle layouts, they create new weather effects and make the villains and story better and more engaging than ever. Some games introduce new graphics, sometimes they introduce an entirely new mechanic, such as poké ami or stat boosting. But no singular game has achieved nearly so much as Ruby and Sapphire did, nor has its impact carried forward to shape future generations in the same way.

I have played and loved many games in the main series, since the beginning of this franchise to now. But none of them have managed to reinvent the series in such a new and exciting way that Ruby and Sapphire did in a way that lasted. And I feel like that's something that deserves more recognition.

*note - Emerald got the short end of the stick in credit here because I played it far less than the first two, and because a lot of these defining features preceded its release, but if any Emerald fans want to add on and sing its praises feel free!

**Also this is not meant to be a hate post towards other generations nor is it meant to invite hate. This is meant primarily to paint a picture of what the experience was like for me as someone who lived through these games, to those who didn't start pokemon until later in the series. If you to see Your special game celebrated, feel free to write a post and send it my way! I'd love to read about what made that game so special and wonderful To You!

[rune-chaser]

I haven’t drawn in like 3 days

I should try and draw my girls when I finish up my schoolwork

[davids-cartoon-corkboard]

I have said a Lot about the “Raph is a system” theory over the past several months, so this is something of a compilation post. It’s got some new stuff, it’s got some old stuff. (You’re reading Part 1) (Part 2 is here) (Part 3 is here)

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Firstly, “system” is the term for someone with Dissociative Identity Disorder, or DID. (The term can also apply to some folks with OSDD.) Someone might develop DID after experiencing long-term trauma at an early age- roughly five or six years old. To paraphrase the DSM-V:

1. We’ve seen three (possibly four) distinct personality states who speak, act, and perceive others differently.

2. The personality states, or “alters”, don’t necessarily share memory, and Donnie insinuated in “The Clothes Don’t Make the Turtle” that Raph has a bad memory in general.

3. Problems arise when alters don’t get along or aren’t on the same page. That none of them seem to be quite aware they’re a system doesn’t help either; it’s hard to work on communication and cooperation when you don’t know they need to be worked on!

4. This whole situation isn’t a normal part of a broadly accepted cultural or religious practice, or just Raph playing make-believe. (Though I wonder if he had “imaginary friends” when he was younger...)

5. It’s also not because Raph’s been smoking the devil’s lettuce or whatever. “Pizza Puffs” was one long weed joke and he was the only one “sober” (not poisoned) throughout! We don’t see this happen to other mutants, so it’s not a bizarre side effect of mutagen either.

(I’ve seen a few people joke that Mikey has “multiple personalities”, but that’s a tad yikesy and also just plain incorrect. His “doctor” personas are something he does deliberately, and youngest siblings are just Like That.)

So yeah, Raph is pretty heavily DID-coded. We’ve seen four alters so far:

“Host” Raph (HR): He’s our everyday Raph. A “host” is an alter who fronts most of the time and takes care of “business as usual” situations. They are often unaware of past traumatic events, such that they can appear “normal”. (Ex: the host of a child who lives with an abusive parent could be unaware of the abuse. Otherwise, they might cry or be uncooperative whenever the parent is near, further invoking their wrath. This unawareness allows them to be a “good child”, and stay under the parent’s radar sometimes.) Some systems have more than one host, but that the others have shown up so rarely in this story suggests HR is the only host (for now?).

Savage Raph (SR): Debuting in “Man vs. Sewer”, he’s a survival-oriented alter. HR probably could have defeated the Sando Brothers on his own under normal circumstances, but being in the middle of a breakdown doesn’t do much for your fighting skills. SR got pulled to the front to deal with them instead.

“Red” Raph (RR): “Red” is just a placeholder since we don’t actually know his name yet (or even if he has one, not all alters do), though I’ve also heard folks call him “Angel”. He’s got a “tough love” approach to problem-solving, which was probably a helpful thing in the past. LDM were no doubt rowdy children! We were (officially) introduced to him in “Pizza Puffs”.

Mind Raph (MR): MR could just be a manifestation of HR's thought process via Cartoon Goofery, but that possibility doesn’t give me anything to work with so I’m ignoring it. He’s pretty similar to HR, maybe a tad more upbeat. We (officially) met him in “Raph’s Ride-Along”.

When “Pizza Puffs” first aired, I was like “ah yes, this is the alter who has the cranky edgelord tendencies we’ve seen in previous iterations of Raph. He probably broods on rooftops in the rain when he’s in a bad mood.” Combining that with the whole “Red Angel” thing gives off some Batman vibes. And, of course, SR is similar to the Hulk. Those two heroes are pretty different, but they do have one major thing in common...

A sudden, violent loss. Given how prevalent rushing water is throughout “Man vs. Sewer”, I’m thinking a flood came through and separated Raph from his family. (You could probably argue that turbulent water symbolizes a turbulent subconscious? 🤷) Again, DID stems from long-term trauma, so Raph must have been gone for... a while. A couple of months, maybe more? It’s hard to say exactly; we have a little wiggle room when applying human developmental psychology to a human/turtle mutant. Since Splinter still needed to care for the other three, he wouldn’t have been able to devote much time to searching for Raph, and the New York City sewers go on for miles and miles. The longer Raph was alone, the more convinced he would have been that the others had drowned and he was the only survivor.

How old would he have been? I know the turtles are “different ages”, but they were all mutated at the same time so I’m pretty sure Splinter was just like “the littlest one is the youngest, the biggest one is the oldest, and the medium-sized ones are the middle children.” They’re all probably fourteenish by “Finale”. Back in “MvS”, Leo said, “You know how savage Raph gets when he’s alone”. He didn’t say anything like, “You know how savage Raph gets when he’s alone ever since such-and-such an incident happened”. This suggests that LDM straight-up don’t know something traumatic happened to Raph; they were too little to retain concrete memories of that time. In their minds, Raph has always been like this. Draxum isn’t known for his patience, so even though he wasn’t able to immerse the hatchlings in mutagen for long, they probably mature a bit faster than humans. And since humans usually can’t remember anything from before four years of age, three sounds about right for the turtles, though they would have been stronger and steadier on their feet than any human toddler. I doubt Raph would have survived otherwise.

I think he’s sort of... “stuck” back in that trauma. Catching food, building a fire, making a weapon, and getting camouflage aren’t the behaviors of someone who’s only been gone for a few minutes.

When SR called for help, I don’t think he was expecting anyone to answer.

But Raph did manage to hang onto something as he was swept away! It wasn’t much, but that little ragdoll gave him comfort while he was scared and alone.

(The rabbit design on Bruce’s pajamas is probably a coincidence, but...)

Raph seems the type to have sympathy for odd-looking toys. His knockoff Mrs. Cuddles plushie was the emotional crutch he needed back then.

And then he was separated from that as well. Lowkey associating Mrs. Cuddles with this traumatic event would explain why HR was so scared of her. That he doesn’t remember the trauma means he has no context for this fear, making it seem silly and baseless to him (and to the rest of his family), which is why he denied being scared at all in the first part of the “Mrs. Cuddles” episode. It would also explain why he collects teddy bears instead these days, they are a “safe” toy. (The moral of the story is to not make fun of triggers that seem silly.)

(I wonder what would happen if Mrs. Cuddles encountered Savage Raph? Perhaps he’d be quite sympathetic towards such a lonely little raggedy thing! Timestuck as he is, he probably wouldn’t question why a stuffed animal can talk... and it wouldn't be hard for her to persuade her “new bestest fwiend” to get rid of some “mean ol’ nasty sewew monstews” for her.)

That whole “sewer monsters” thing suggests Raph ran into... something while he was wandering alone. Y’all have heard those rumors about alligators living in the New York City sewers, right? Encountering Leatherhead could trigger a flashback.

It would be pretty easy to introduce Leatherhead into the narrative. One of the episodes the Rise crew had planned was titled “The Island of Dr. Noe”, and alligators have very impressive teeth. The Mirage comics had a story where Leatherhead and several cryptids were brought to an island to be hunted for sport.

Noe seems to have quite a few cronies/friends/rivals he could entertain this way. Since he’s got that obsession with Raph, Noe captures him as well, knocking him out with those darts so he can’t waste his energy trying to escape too soon. (Let’s just assume everyone’s powers are glitchy because they all hit another wave of puberty, meaning they can’t just curbstomp the lower-level villains lol.)

HR wakes up on the island and, of course, starts to panic because he’s lost and alone. While wandering, he runs into Leatherhead, which would trigger a flashback to getting attacked by that alligator all those years ago. But Leatherhead doesn’t want to fight! He’s just as scared and confused as HR is, and could really use a partner to help him survive this island.

HR and SR come into conflict because Leatherhead is/isn’t/is/isn’t/is/isn’t a threat. HR eventually wins out, reasoning that even if Leatherhead is that alligator, it wouldn’t be fair to judge him for what he did back when he was an animal.

But time and dissociation can make memories unclear. That our first look at Leatherhead was in Draxum’s “bluh bluh I’m gonna mutate all the humans” bit in “Bug Busters” means he’s a human-base mutant. He wasn’t the alligator back then, but the hunter tracking it. Leatherhead isn’t one of Noe’s targets, he is one of Noe’s guests! And he wants no one to interfere with his quarry, so he’ll play nice long enough for him and the snapper to take out the rest of the hunters and the freaks. Then the two of them will have the island all to themselves...

Years and years ago, Jack Marlin was a big game hunter prowling the New York City sewers in search of an alligator. He did manage to find and kill one, only to realize it had also been hunting! He had inadvertently saved the strangest little turtle creature.

Marlin had become too skilled at this point, the hunt held no challenge for him. This turtle sounded very young, and he was quite big and strong already. An adult could be tough and intelligent enough to entertain him. Marlin tried to get Raph to lead him back to “the others”. But Raph had been lost for some time, and as far as he knew, his family was dead. Hearing that put Marlin in quite the sour mood. A little mutant snapper is a better catch than none at all, so Marlin tried to haul Raph off. Raph fought back and bit off Marlin’s hand. He escaped, but lost his rabbit in the scuffle. Marlin retreated as well, taking some time to recover, scheme, and hunt other game. (And to pocket that rabbit. The blood loss had made him woozy, and he wanted to have some kind of proof he hadn’t just hallucinated the snapper.) Perhaps he turned that alligator’s hide into a vest, which provided the genetic material for his mutation when he eventually got bit by an oozesquito. Like his Mirage counterpart, Marlin didn’t take losing a limb as a sign he should retire, and instead got a tricked-out prosthetic. Who knows what he could do with it in such a mystic setting as Rise.

Raph eventually reunited with his family, but those distrustful, high-strung survivalist traits he had picked up weren’t helpful anymore. He once again had to be the good and patient big brother who didn’t bite when someone play-tackled him or shook him awake at three in the morning because they’d had a nightmare. Those two states gradually got partitioned off more and more, and now they know little, if anything, about each other.

So Leatherhead and HR are chasing away some mothmen or whatever, and things are going pretty well... until one of them knocks Leatherhead over and a familiar ragdoll rabbit falls out of his pocket. SR realizes that Leatherhead is Marlin and switches in to fight him off again. They’re evenly matched, or perhaps SR is even in danger of losing, when LDM arrive to provide support. Leatherhead is enough of a tactician to know that he should retreat. Donnie and Mikey pursue him while Leo stays behind, placing the rabbit in his stunned brother’s hands. “Remember when Pops made this for you? You were always really gentle with it, ‘cause he wasn’t good at sewing back then...”

(This thing really needs patching up, he’s got sewing stuff for whenever he needs to fix his bears/Blue isn’t a threat on his own/Wasn’t he just back at the lair?/Blue gave back the rabbit/Why does he feel like he got hit by a train?/Blue doesn’t want to fight?/ ...Leo?) And that’s enough for HR to switch back in. He’s probably missing memory from his whole time on the island, so while Leo does his best to tell him what happened, they don’t have enough puzzle pieces between them to truly figure out what's going on.

They defeat the bad guys, release the cryptids, save the day, etc. (Leatherhead managed to lose Donnie and Mikey in the woods. A battle for another day.) Once they return to the lair, HR gets help from Draxum to modify the memory spell from “E-Turtle Sunshine” so he can try to fill in the gaps. Surely he wouldn’t get rejected by his own subconscious... right?

Cue part three in the saga of Raph Punches Himself In The Face. SR isn’t happy that HR is essentially trying to poke at an improperly-healed wound, and attempts to chase him off. HR assumes that SR is just a psychic white blood cell like the Lou Jitsu constructs in Splinter’s mind, and retaliates.

But, of course, fighting is not the answer here. All that accomplishes is giving the body bruises. Eventually HR realizes “stay away” and “back off” are a little different than “get out”, and that SR is just scared. So HR tries another tactic. Over the following days and weeks, he tunes in to calmer memories and just sort of... talks. About what happened yesterday, about his teddy bear collection, about how he finally managed to get a good picture of that pizza pigeon. It takes a while to establish a connection, and even then, it’s spotty at best. Using the spell too much can cause headaches and nightmares. There are days when SR is nearby, and days when he’s not there at all. But he shows up when he can.

And then there’s awkward, stilted conversation and questions neither of them know how to answer and questions neither of them want to answer and more scrapes and bruises and strained silences and apologies, but they finally, finally reach a compromise. SR still doesn’t let HR near those memories, but he tells HR what happened as best he can. (The audience would see those memories, with SR as a voiceover.) Afterwards, HR still visits the mindscape that’s starting to become more solid. They talk some more, they watch light and shadow flow around them, they listen to half-forgotten lullabies on scratchy old cassette tapes. Eventually, HR doesn’t even need to use the memory spell, meditation is enough.

They’ll never get along all the time. But it’s a start.

(SR is going to be so clingy when it finally clicks for him when he finally lets himself believe that his family is alive.)

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This took eight million years lmao. Parts 2 and 3 will come out eventually, they’ll focus more on MR and RR. Let me know if I need to tag this stuff as anything.

The usual disclaimer applies, I am not a system or a mental health professional so if you’re one or both of those things then feel free to give me some of that good good constructive criticism.