#it's been explicitly Not set up to have that since lucifer fell.

[quietwingsinthesky]

castiel & uriel as michael & lucifer parallels drives me insane btw

[luna-the-moth]

The Celestial War Aftermath (SFW)

Alright, here’s another theory/word vomit about the Celestial War Aftermath, and the role Simeon held in it. These are just my personal theories and thoughts, so please don’t take them as fact, unless explicitly stated. (Also, I’m jumping all over the place, and these are some thoughts/theories.) This has a few spoilers from the newer lessons, so please be aware of this!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Well for starters, I don't think any angels born/created after the event really know the details of it, lest thoughts of rebellion start to flutter in their minds. If any of the newer angels found out about why the brothers were cast out, they'd surely start asking questions.

And with the fact that even the strongest angels had rebelled once, what's to say the younger, newer generations wouldn't once they found out the truth? I don't think all of the angels are brainwashed, but tinkered to fit a new vision, after the brothers left.

Like, they're created with a set of traits, ensuring they fit their positions, with minimal chance of betraying thoughts. They're not exactly brainwashed, but they are incredibly sheltered, seeing no other perspective other than the ones instilled in them.

As we’ve seen, Luke doesn’t know much about the War, nor the reason why the brothers fell. He’s given a vague, fuzzy version of events that borders on being a lie. I doubt Luke would ever find out the truth, unless someone outside the CR told him about it.

However, he’s changed since the beginning. At first, he saw demons as cruel, cunning, manipulative beasts. As time went on, his core beliefs started shifting, and he’s started to see another perspective. We've seen him befriend Barbatos in time, and has started to tolerate the brothers.

If Luke, one of the most pro-CR angels could start to see a different perspective, perhaps the other angels would as well, if they were exposed to it. Which also makes me wonder.

What is Simeon's goal in this? Clearly, he's friendly with the brothers, and doesn't portray the 'typical' angelic prejudices his fellow angel did. Who's to say that Simeon perhaps doesn't keep Luke from exploring more about the Devildom, because he wants him to form his own opinions?

I'm sure that if Simeon was firm enough, Luke never would've gotten close to Barbatos, or have learned to tolerate the other demons. And why did the CR trust him enough to send him down? They must have trusted his fortitude and virtues, thinking he was strong enough to endure temptation, and that he was trusted enough not to betray them.

I believe that now, the CR has a rigorous type of training, for newer angels. They're fed CR propaganda, and CR beliefs. They don't know anything other than what they've been told. By the time they set out of the CR, their morals and beliefs are hardened, and their minds will be difficult to sway.

But anyhow.

After the CW, I believe that they kept a close eye on any angels that didn't choose a side, or demoted them. (cough Simeon-) Those who turned out to be 'disloyal', went through intense brainwashing, or simply disappeared. The CR ruler didn't want to risk another rebellion, especially after the carnage left after the war. The ruler's cautious, not taking a chance on any seeds of resistance.

That ties to why I think Simeon got demoted. Frankly, I don't think he chose a side. I think he foresaw the horrors of the war, and saw that in the end, like all wars, there would be no clear victor.

Let's assume that a little under half of all the angels joined the brothers, a little under half for the CR, with the small minority of those who didn't choose a side. Perhaps some of them couldn't bear the thought of fighting against their own, or didn't want to take a risk by choosing the losing side.

After the war, those angels either fell, got demoted, or are being kept in a prison, of sorts. In an attempt to squash out any chance of another rebellion, they became much more strict. Angels weren't allowed to visit the human realm as they pleased, only able to watch from the clouds. Even then, they had a limited view of the humans.

Plus, that makes me very curious on why Simeon and Luke in particular were chosen for the exchange program. I can see why Luke was chosen, as he was adamantly pro-CR, and despised demons. All the traits an angel should have.

But Simeon, is the truly interesting subject in this case. He was demoted from Seraphim, that we know as fact, as shown in one of the recent lessons. But for what? Did he not choose a side? That's the only possibility I can see for now, as there is a high chance he would've been cast out with the brothers, had he fought for Lilith.

Which brings up a multitude of questions, but there's one in particular that's quite interesting to me.

What was Simeon's bond with Lilith like?

Yes, yes, angels don't traditionally marry/fall in love and all. But we can see that they can fall in love, in a romantic sense. Does that automatically mean Simeon had romantic feelings to Lilith? No.

However, I'm wondering if he was close to her, or cared for her. It's obvious that Simeon was close to Lucifer, to the extent of being able to call him a nickname, Luci. Unfortunately, it's not mentioned how close Simeon is to Lilith, or his role in the war.

I don't think he had romantic ties to her, but platonic? Absolutely in the realm of possibility. If Simeon had really cared for LIlith, then he would've fought for her in the war. Or would he? We all know about the ring incident, where Simeon came in at the last second, to save MC.

However, he didn't comfort them in their time of distress, nor did he tell them of his plan. Causing them to worry and almost kill someone, whether it be themselves, or Lucifer. Putting both Lucifer and MC in emotional distress. Perhaps he did care for Lilith, but didn't choose a side?

Maybe he had a plan, to save her or at least spare her in the end, but it went wrong? There's a chance Raphael or Michael found out, and ruined his plan. But since he never carried it out, he only got demoted.

Or, perhaps the CR decided to use him as a valuable asset, and kept him, due to his prophetic abilities.

Simeon truly is a fascinating character, and I hope we can find out more about him and the CR eventually, with the new lessons.

[aspenflower17]

Finding You (Part Ten of ??)

Aha! Finally it is done!

Hey everyone! It’s been one Monday of a week, but I finally had today (Saturday) off so I finally got to work on this update. I also thought I’d give you guys an update on my scheduling. One of the supervisor’s at work is done with her semester at college, so I’m probably not going to have a set schedule for awhile. That means the only day I know I will have off is Sunday. I usually work on writing on my day off, so updates are probably going to vary wildly from week to week. If I don’t get one out the rest of the week, you should see an update from me on Sunday (though it might be at a late hour, like this week).

Anywho, I hope you’re all doing alright and that you’re staying safe. I know I have some readers who recently had Finals Week (or whatever the equivalent of that is for you). I want to congratulate you on finishing your semester (because it is a big accomplishment), and that I hope you got high marks on your respective tests/projects/ect.

So, as always, if you’re new here, here is the link to Part One. You can also find the links to all the parts on my Master List if you’ve missed any of the other updates :)

This update was brought to you by the support of the following: @simpingforsatan @naimena @hachimochi @wrathandgreed @magi-minminxiii @rensphilia @a-dream-at-night @chloelikesobeyme @getbehindme-satan @theuglypugling (Seriously, thanks so much for the support you guys! I love each and every one of you!) If you’d like to be on the tags list for any future updates, please just drop a comment below or send me a message!

Satan/Mc

Word Count: 4,144

Trigger warnings: There might be some language in this one, Satan gets PISSED

“Will you just sit down Satan? You’re making me nervous,” Asmo complained, watching his brother with concern.

“Yeah. You’re totally breaking my concentration here,” Levi chimed in, not looking up from his game.

“Well, you can take your complaints to Lucifer,” Satan stated, starting what had to be his 200th pass on the same stretch of the ballroom, “I don’t know why we had to be here so early.”

“We got here ten minutes ago,” Belphie sighed, leaning on Beel, “You’re just nervous.”

“And what if I am?” Satan asked, his anxiety adding bite to the question.

“We’re all nervous,” Beel gently reminded Satan, “We’ve all missed our favorite human.”

“Not human anymore,” Mammon muttered, glaring at some undefined point in front of him, leg shaking anxiously. He had been uncharacteristically quiet ever since the night of the art show, gone most of the day, and retreating to his room when he was home.

An awkward hush fell across the group at his words, everyone’s thoughts turning inward. Satan sighed and sat down, the feathers on his boa trying their hardest to enter his mouth. The lacing on his shirt threatened to strangle him along with the collar, and his tail kept flexing around his leg. He was a bundle of nerves, and he couldn’t seem to relax. He had wanted to wear a simple suit or tuxedo, but the invitation from Diavolo had explicitly said demon forms were to be used.

A strangled but disgusted gasp escaped Asmo’s mouth, “What the hell is he doing here?!”

“Another jilted lover Asmo?” Belphie asked, rolling his eyes.

“No! It’s Michael!” Everyone’s head whipped up at that, even Levi.

“OMG! WFT?” Levi exclaimed, eyes large and worried.

“Bro, why is he here?” Mammon nearly growled, glaring at the man in question.

“I don’t know, but I want him to leave!” Asmo’s voice was getting more shrill as time went on.

“Is tha’ Lord Diavolo with ‘im?” Mammon asked, still glaring, though he wasn’t growling anymore.

“OMG, you’re right. They're laughing together too!” Levi narrated.

Beel had joined Mammon in glaring at Michael, as his twin smiled smugly, “Oh, you guys didn’t know?” Everyone looked over at that and you could tell Belphie was relishing in the shock, “Mc came with some angels. I hear Luke’s here too.”

“How can you possibly be happy about this?”

“What are you all gawking at? You all look like you’ve-” Lucifer cut off, finally seeing what his brothers were looking at. If he hadn’t already been in his demon form, Satan was fairly sure he would’ve burst into it immediately, though he didn’t look as surprised as Satan would expect him to.

“Oh.” 

The absolute contempt and disgust that dripped from that single word had all the brothers sharing looks, most very concerned. Belphie caught Satan’s eye, shooting him a sly, wicked grin. Satan wanted to share in Belphie’s enjoyment, but his mind was taking this new roadblock into account, trying to figure out how this was going to factor into his plan.

Satan didn’t really have an opinion on Michael. He had never really met the angel, his only knowledge of him coming from his shared memories with Lucifer, the little he’d heard from his brothers, and what he’d gleaned from Luke and Simeon’s conversations, not that he really cared. He simply wasn’t someone who mattered. That is, until now.

“Did you know Lucifer?” Asmo asked.

“Diavolo had told me Mc had come with two angels, though he didn’t mention names. I just assumed it was Simeon and Luke,” Lucifer was still watching Diavolo and Michael talking, though he had taken on a frigid demeanor, arms crossed and eyes narrowed. You didn’t have to be the Avatar of Wrath to sense the boiling anger underneath the frosty exterior.

Barbatos walked over to Diavolo and whispered something. The Demon Prince nodded and stood up, the congregation quieting, “Hello and welcome, each and every one of you! I’m so glad you could make it!” he voice boomed out into the 

Levi scoffed, “As if we had a choice.”

“Shaddup. Ya wanted to come jus’as much as the rest of us,” Mammon hissed.

“As most of you know, this ball is in honor of Jane Doe,”

“Wait.. Who’s that?” Beel asked, confused.

“That’s her pseudonym,” Belphie explained softly, Beel nodding his understanding.

“We have other guest’s as well, who came with Jane. Michael, the archangel,” Diavolo gestured to Michael who raised his hand in greeting with a smile, “And Luke, Jane’s older brother. You may all remember him when he was here as one of our first exchange students,” A blonde male who had been sitting by Michael inclined his head.

“Oh my gosh, that’s Luke?!” Asmo said loudly enough some nearby demons looked over.

“I didn’t even recognize him,” Levi murmured.

“Did he say brother?” Mammon asked.

“Shhhh!” Lucifer hissed as Diavolo continued.

“Now for the person you’ve all been waiting for, Jane Doe,” all the brothers held their breath as Mc walked over to Diavolo, an absolute vision. All of the brothers were transfixed, their own personal feelings overcoming everything else. Lucifer, having already seen Mc at the palace was the first to recover, looked over to Satan to see how he was doing. He was encouraged by what he saw. Satan was subconsciously touching his pocket where he knew he letter was at. Though he seemed a bit nervous, the fierce resolve in his eyes made him smile proudly, before looking back to Diavolo.

“I hope you all treat our guests with the same respect and kindness they’ll give to you. With the introductions done, let the party commence!”

“So, what’s the plan Satan?” Asmo asked, bringing the fourth born out of his head.

“What do you mean?”

“Well, you need to talk with Mc right?” at the nod he continued, “Well, how about we help you?”

“We?” Belphie sighed, grabbing a lock of his hair.

“Yes we,” Asmo sighed, rolling his eyes.

Belphie sighed, but turned to look at Satan anyways, “Well, if I have to help, what do you need?”

“I just need to give her a letter,” Satan explained, about to tell everyone they didn’t need to bother, but he didn’t get the chance.

“Don’t you want to talk to her though?” Levi asked.

“Well, I need her to read this first. I didn’t make the best impression last time, and I don’t think I’ll be much better this time around,” Satan admitted, looking chagrined. He hadn’t told any of the brothers the entirety of what happened.

“Easy enough,” Mammon announced, getting up, “We just need to walk over and give it to her then.”

“Not so fast Mammon,” Lucifer said, motioning for him to sit, “She’s probably going to be flanked by those two angels all evening. I don’t know if they’d take well to one of us handing Lillith’s descendant a letter. Luke at least, is aware of Satan’s attachment to Mc, and last time I checked, he’s not a fan of ours. As for the other…” Lucifer trailed off, irritation twisting his features, “Who knows how that may go.”

“So we need to make sure to separate them all,” Levi mused.

“Do you have any ideas on how to do that? Like, anything from one of your anime’s?” Asmo asked.

“I mean, there’s the ‘trying to get the main character and love interest alone’, but it doesn’t always work, though it’s entertaining to watch.”

“Well, we want this to go well,” Asmo sighed, rolling his eyes.

“What about you then? Where’s your grand idea?” Levi scoffed.

“Actually, I do have an idea,” Asmo giggled.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“I really should’ve just done this myself,” Satan sighed, Asmo standing next to him.

“Oh, shush! This will turn out great, just wait.”

“When’s it supposed to work then? I mean, we’ve been standing here for an hour and we haven't caught a glimpse of Mc.”

“Patience, patience. Beel and Belphie… Well, Beel already has Luke distracted with food talk, and Lucifer’s doing a good job of keeping Michael… On his toes, I guess?”

“I do have to admit watching him run away from Michael is amusing,” Satan chuckled, his eyes darting to Lucifer from their perch on the balcony above the dancefloor. He was obviously fighting his pride, knowing he was running away from Michael, but unable to stay and deal with the angel who wouldn’t stop trying to find him, partially due to his pride as well. Looking back to Michael, Satan grinned, “Gotcha!”

“Wha… Oh! There she is! Told you!” Asmo nearly shouted.

“That was my ear.”

“Oop. Sorry.”

Satan watched Mc speak with Michael, noting all the small changes in her behavior. There was a level of refinement that hadn’t been there before, which made perfect sense seeing as how she had been raised in the Celestial Realm by Simeon. She was more graceful for one thing, and seemed more calm and at ease than he remembered her. She did seem more reserved and closed off than before, though that could just because she was talking with a superior. She was fairly open with me until I screwed it up, so hopefully she retained that part of herself, and hopefully I didn’t screw it up.

Asmo sighed, “Lucifer isn’t doing his job.”

“Did you really expect him to? He did say he didn’t want to be part of whatever you were planning.”

“Well, Michael chose to follow him. He was chosen. It’s fate.”

“Still doesn’t mean he’s going to actively participate.”

“Fine. Looks like I’m going to have to have Mammon and Levi do some work for us.”

“You really don’t have to do this. I can handle it.”

“Yeah, but that’s no fun. I also want to mess with Michael as much as possible.”

“Fine. What do we do next?”

“We have to get down onto the dance floor. I’m calling Mammon right now.”

They found the staircase closest to Mc and Michael and made their way down, Asmo on his DDD the whole time, “Yes… Do you see us? Oh, there you are. Do you see them? No, left… Left! Your other left! Mammon, how are you this stupid?... I’m not the one who can’t see-... No, you listen! I can’t stand that you-... How dare you! I- Ugh, fine… Yup, just distract him…” Asmo laughed, “No, though I would pay to see that. Maybe, walk past and see if he takes the bait?... Well, you’re just going to have to deal with it Levi… Look, the sooner we get this done, the sooner you can get back to your game… Wow, I thought you wanted Mc back, but I guess not. I’ll just have to make sure she doesn’t spend anytime with you… Then get your act together! Okay, Mammon, we’re close enough now. Alright, take it away.”

Satan watched as Mammon and Levi stepped out of the crowd, Mammon talking loudly enough to turn a lot of heads. Unfortunately, Michael was not one of these, though Mc seemed interested in what was going on. She seemed to ask Michael about it, but he just brushed it off, continuing to talk.

“Why does Mammon think he’s such hot stuff?” Asmo asked, rubbing his forehead.

“Don’t frown too much. You’ll get wrinkles,” Satan gently chided.

“You’re right,” Asmo sighed, “I just don’t know how to… Whoa. Look at that.”

Satan looked to find Diavolo talking with Mc and Michael. He also spied Lucifer keeping his distance, but frowning so intensely he was surprised Diavolo couldn't feel it. Michael said something and Diavolo laughed delightedly, motioning for Mc and Michael to join him.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“She’s alone now. I’ll cover you!” Asmo hissed, pushing Satan forward.

Mc was sitting on a bench, on the outskirts of the room. She was watching the crowd with interest, eyes bright and curious. Satan hesitated, before steeling himself and walking forward, letter in hand. He was almost close enough to her to call out, when some demon approached her. Satan turned on his heel, and concealed himself in the crowd. He watched the demon extend their hand, heart sinking as he realized what that meant. She smiled and nodded her head, taking their hand as she was escorted out onto the dancefloor.

“What happened? Where’d she go?” Asmo asked, joining his brother.

“Someone asked her to dance before I got there,” Satan muttered irritably.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Satan looked at the time on his DDD. There was only two hours left of the ball, and he still had the letter. The past hour had been spent trying to figure out how to get Luke to leave Mc’s side without much luck. Beel had apparently gone to raid the food table and then the palace kitchen, and Belphie had fallen asleep, so Luke had found his way back to his sister and hadn’t left her side since. Worse yet, it seemed his opinion on demons was unchanged, keeping most of those that came over to talk to the artist at bay with a single look.

“He needs to leave so we can get on with this.” Asmo huffed, upset his plan was failing.

“Well, he is a chihuahua,” Levi said distractedly, “I can’t… say for certain, but he’s probably… Trying to keep her out of trouble… Woot! Got it!”

“Levi, could you stop gaming for five seconds?” Asmo sighed.

“Well, I have bad ideas, so no. You’re lucky I decided to stick around at all,” Levi huffed, eyebrows furrowed, though from the game or Asmo, Satan didn’t know.

“Oh come on! Are you really that upset by my comment?” When Levi didn’t answer, Asmo rolled his eyes and scoffed.

“Do you have any ideas then Levi?” Satan asked

“Not really.”

“Yo, yo, yo! Luke! What’s happenin’ my man?”

Both Mc, Luke and all three brother’s  looked over at Mammon strolling toward the duo through the crowd.

“Is he seriously…?” Levi asked.

“I think so…” Satan answered, shocked.

“How’ve ya’ been?” Mammon asked, grinning at the blonde angel.

“Fine I suppose,” Luke answered, suspicion lacing his words.

“Nice, nice. So, this is your sister?” The emphasis on the word left no interpretation of what he thought of the title.

“Yup. Of course, you can understand an angel’s definition of sibling though, don’t you Mammon?” Luke shot back.

“Oh! You’re Mammon!” Mc said suddenly, turning her full attention to Mammon “I’ve heard a lot about you!”

Mammon turned bright red, “Oh, you’ve heard of the Great Mammon?”

“Of course!” Mc beamed at him.

Mammon started stuttering, “W-W-Well, o-of course ya’ have.”

Mc giggled a bit at that, smiling at the second born, “I was actually hoping you might have some time you could spare to answer some of my questions.”

Satan was sure Mammon was going to combust, but Mc wrapped her arm around his anyways, “We’ll be back Luke.”

The blonde angel seemed like he wanted to argue, but something was holding him back, “I’ll be waiting then.” Mc nodded at him, and then walked off with Mammon.

“Wh… What just happened?” Levi nearly squealed.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“I hear Mammon got to talk to Mc before you did.”

“Shut up Lucifer,” Satan muttered.

“Where are they?” Lucifer asked, and Satan pointed to a bench where Mc and Mammon were sitting. They seemed deep in a conversation.

“Interesting. I had to see it to believe it.”

“What’ve you been doing this whole time?”

“I’ve been… walking around…”

“Hiding from Michael.”

“That would imply I’m scared of him.”

“MmmmHmmm.”

“I do not fear Michael.”

“Good to hear, since he’s coming this way.”

Lucifer instantly started walking forward, stopping by some random succubus, “Hello, Jezebel. Would you like to dance?” Lucifer asked, barely waiting for a response before dragging her out onto the dance floor.

Satan was still chuckling, Lucifer’s discomfort making his misfortune seem better, when a male voice he remembered from memory but had never actually heard addressed him, “Are you Satan, Lucifer’s… son?”

Satan blinked a couple times, “Excuse me?”

“That is you right? Or do you prefer something different? Spawn of Lucifer?” Michael cocked his head a bit, seeming a little confused.

Some rational part of Satan’s brain was the only thing keeping him from jumping on the angel and ripping him to shreds. He couldn’t keep the growl from his voice as he responded, “I am Satan, THE Avatar of WRATH.”

“Oh, I seem to have hit a nerve. My apologies,” Michael said, actually bowing. Satan narrowed his eyes, tail flexing around his leg. Has he always been this stupid? Or is he mocking me?

“I was wondering if we could speak. Privately,” Michael said, his smile showing he knew he’d said something wrong.

“Anything you want to say you can say here, Michael.”

“I do think it would be better for us to speak privately,” Satan could feel Michael’s irritation building a bit.

“Why? So you can try to hurt my brother’s again by killing another of their siblings?”

The shock on Michael’s face satiated Satan’s anger enough that he almost laughed at it. Michael quickly put on a blank look, but Satan could hear the sorrow in his voice, “Though it is always unfortunate when an angel dies, I do not regret any of my actions. When someone goes against what they know to be right, there will always be consequences.”

“Of course. Always the errand boy, blindly doing whatever it is you’re told to do.”

“How would you know? You weren’t even around to know her. I’m not sure what lies you’ve been fed-”

“I was there, you imbecile,” Satan seethed, “I saw how your actions helped push Lucifer towards rebellion, knowingly or not, and how you stabbed him in the back once he was finally there. I remember them, and I find your actions to be deplorable.”

“Now listen here, you demon-”

“Oh, I’m the demon here?! Shall I describe, in detail, how you-”

“Everythin’ cool here?” Mammon came up next to Satan, putting a calming hand on his shoulder.

Satan whipped his head to look at Mammon, confirming that, yes, Mammon had heard what Michael had said.

“Ah, Mammon. It’s been awhile.”

Mammon looked over at Michael, his disgust thinly veiled, “Yeah, sure.”

“I would like to talk with your… brother, but he doesn’t seem to want to.”

“Good fer him. Tah be honest with ya’, I don’ trust ya’ Michael. I didn’ up in the Celestial Realm, and I don’ now. If ya’ wanna’ talk with Satan, I suggest ya’ do it where we can all see ya’.”

Satan felt two hands on his shoulders, and looked back to see both Beel and Belphie standing behind him. Neither one of them looked very happy, but Beel’s look was a lot more intense than Belphie’s.

Michael sighed, especially after seeing the twins, “If you’re not going to allow me to explain, I can only tell you this: It is imperative she not remember her past. It will hurt both of you more than you could ever know. Now, I have things to do, if you’ll excuse me,” and with that, he left.

“I really don’ like that guy,” Mammon shook his head, “Oh, Satan, hol’ on a sec. Imma be right back,” and with that, he took off.

“You okay Satan?” Beel asked, still frowning after Michael.

“Yeah, things just got a bit intense there for a second. Thanks.”

“I don’t think your thanks is going to stop here. We’re going to leave you now. Have fun,” Belphie smirked before wandering off with Beel.

Satan shook his head at all the weirdness happening around him, before resuming his place along the wall. He didn’t know how things had escalated that quickly with Michael, especially considering the guy had never done anything to him personally. Yeah, he had all the memories of Lucifer being angry at him, and he had hurt his brother’s, but he had never had any personal problems with him. Well, a lot of Lucifer’s anger started because of Michael, and that’s what I was born from… The small voice in the back of his head started acting up, though he often tried to keep it quiet, You’re more like Lucifer then you want to admit.

He growled a bit at the voice, before starting to wander around. People watching always helped calm him down. It was one of the things he had done in his early life to help him learn how to interact with others, at Asmo’s suggestion. He always found something new to store away in his brain, and the problem solving helped calm his brain.

“There ya’ are! We’ve been lookin’ for ya’.”

We? Satan turned to Mammon to see Mc standing next to him. Satan froze, having not prepared himself to talk to her.

“She asked me ta dance, but cha know I’m more of a solo dancer myself, so I was wondering if you would for me?”

“I… Uhhh… Yes, if she would like,” Satan finally managed to get out, watching Mc for any negative reactions.

“I have no problems with it,” Mc answered cryptically, nothing in her tone or mannerisms betraying how she actually felt about the suggested change.

“Uh… Perfect, I guess. Have fun you two,” Mammon announced before walking off.

I could both hug him and punch him, Satan thought, though what came out of his mouth was, “Well, may I have this dance?” while extending his hand to her.

A smile graced her lips, “You certain may.”

He led her out onto the dance floor, still lightly holding her hand. He was still nervous, but not like he was the last time they’d met. He let his mask start to slip when he faced her, “I’m very glad you accepted my invitation to dance,” he slipped his hand to its proper place for the waltz as the music started.

“It’s my pleasure,” She smiled, though not as warmly as he would’ve hoped. They started dancing effortlessly, Satan extremely happy they were still in sync. If only the conversation flowed as easily. Satan spent the first full minute of the dance just trying to figure out what to say to her, also trying not to think about how beautiful she looked.

Finally, he figured out something neutral to say, “Have you been enjoying the Devildom?”

“Yes, I have, thank you for asking.”

“What’s been your favorite part?”

Mc took a minute to think, “I would have to say… Sightseeing. There’s a lot here I could have never imagined existing in the Celestial Realm.”

“Ah. Have you visited the Royal Library yet?”

“I have actually. I’ve been researching for my next art project.”

“You’re working on a new art project?”

“Yes. I feel rather inspired here.”

“I look forward to seeing it. Are you planning on showing it in the Devildom?”

“Quite possibly.”

“Good. We need new art down here,” Satan said before the conversation lapsed back into silence. It was towards the end of the song that Satan decided to bring up the elephant in the room, “I’ve ummm… Been hoping I would see you again.”

“As have I.”

“You have?” he asked, extremely surprised.

“Yes. I’ve been trying to figure out why you acted the way you did.”

Oh.

“I apologize for that. I… Well, I actually wrote you a letter to explain it. I know my behavior was… off to say the least. I’ve been going through a lot lately, and I apologize that it negatively affected my behavior towards you.”

“You wrote me a letter?”

“Yes. I find I can express myself far better and with far more accuracy by writing than by talking.”

“Ah. Do… Do you have that letter with you?” Her voice was small when she asked.

“I do. I was planning to give it to you tonight anyways.”

“You were?”

“Oh, I said that out loud didn’t I?” Mc giggled at that and Satan felt better, the mask slipping even more, “I’ve been trying to find a good time to give it to you all night actually.”

“Really?” Her smile was curious and a bit teasing.

“Er, yeah. I hope you’re okay with that.”

“I think that’s alright,” Mc smiled, finally seeming at ease around him.

The song ended then, and Satan reached into his back pocket to produce the letter, “Here it is.”

“I’ll make sure to read it,” Mc promised, reaching for the letter. Their fingers brushed when she went to grab it, and they both blushed at the contact, “Well, I’m going to go find Luke. Thank you for the dance.”

“No, thank you,” Satan said sincerely, smiling softly.

She smiled back, and with that she was gone.

“Heh. You owe me don’ cha’,” Mammon’s voice came from behind him, sounding pretty smug.

“I’d say you’ve made up for not telling me she was in town.”

“I’ll take it.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hey you guys, a couple more things:

First off, I have passed the 100 follower mark, and I was wondering if you guys wanted me to do anything for it.

Second: I was wondering how you guys ran across this fic. If you wanna comment down below and just let me know. I’m really wondering how my work’s being spread, so if you could do that, I’d appreciate it!

~As always, likes, comments and reblogs are always appreciated (I always read everything you guys write in the comments and reblogs)

Part Eleven

[ka-za-ri]

Descent Pt. 8

Buckle in! We’re getting kinky!  Also, this is one hella long chapter, lol.

°˖✧◝(⁰▿⁰)◜✧˖°  Thanks for all your encouragement. I may hate everything I write, but y’all seem to enjoy it! Please enjoy this giant bin full of sin. I’m so, so, sorry for uh... ... well I’m sorry. That’s all I can say. (シ_ _)シ

Comments and reblogs always appreciated.

Chapter Index and Obey Me! Masterlist: here Ao3 Mirror: Here Part [1] Part [2] Part [3] Part 4: [4] Part [5] Part [6] Part [7] Part [8] Part [9] Part [10] 

Pairing: Simeon x Lucifer x Reader, Lucifer x Simeon (if you squint really hard) Genre: Really dirty smut Wordcount: 8,900 ish   Tags: References to self-harm, body worship, multiple orgasms, sex toys, so many sex toys. Threesome F/M/M,  Voyeurism, Overstimulation, Light sex magic, Chastity device,   Summary: After a busy holiday season, Lucifer wants to celebrate a successful book launch with you and Simeon.

Dive

To no one’s surprise, Simeon’s new title made it to all the bestsellers’ lists. The timing of his novel with holiday season meant that book couldn’t stay on shelves. Everyone clamored to get a copy for themselves as well as a loved one who was a fan of his work. The stress associated with a book launch was vastly different from the process of writing. There was no rest for Simeon as he went immediately on a book tour to help with promotions once the title was released to the masses. It meant that most of your winter was spent following him across the country, helping set up displays and assisting with interviews while he was surrounded by fans.

You were exhausted, you wanted to sleep in your own bed for a change and you swore if you heard one more marriage proposal to Simeon from a fan, you were going to lose the last bits of your sanity. Spending weeks on the road were hellish and you were more than glad that the tour was over just in time for the year to turn over. Even if you weren’t able to spend the holidays at home, you at least got the new year to yourself. During the whole tour, neither you nor Simeon really had a chance to be close. Your professional lives took priority and keeping it cordial was paramount in maintaining his spotless image.

When you finally had time to yourself at home, you finally let your mind wander and tried to sort out your feelings for him. You couldn’t deny you still had an intense crush on the man. With all you went through to get his book written, you started to doubt your feelings. You couldn’t tell if you liked him for who he was or if it was out of obligation you were attached to him. All the intimate moments and all the times he called you his Little Lamb made your heart flutter, sure. It was hard to tell when everything you did with him was under the pretense of work. Did he say those things to get a reaction or did he actually mean them?

Ever since the book was published, Simeon barely interacted with you outside of what was necessary with work. Even if he did want to say something to you about your relationship with him, he was too swamped with his on obligations that there was no way to discuss anything with you in private. Despite working so closely with him, the two of you drifted apart further and further. By the time the new year rolled over and you both finally had some time to unwind, Simeon felt like a stranger to you.

You found yourself spending hours staring at the ceiling mulling over too many thoughts all at once. You could feel the last vestiges of your sanity slipping away as you tried to decipher everything. Simeon was so good at never voicing what he truly wanted, it was impossible to read his thoughts. With how distant he had become with work, it was even harder to predict what he would do next. With the massive success of his new book, the publishing house was already discussing the possibility of a whole series of smutty novels under his name. Just the thought of being used again for his book made you weary. It had been an arduous journey to just get one final product, you didn’t want to think about having to do it again anytime soon. Luckily, Simeon requested some additional time to go over the new contracts before signing them.

It was both a relief and a curse to have time to think over the offer. On one hand, the two of you would have continuous work. On the other hand, you would be once again used for his gain while his feelings remained ambiguous for you. You had enough of him toying with you and you truly wished for an opportunity to get him to open up to you somehow.

You were in yet another round of beating yourself up over falling for someone who was so enigmatic when your phone rang. Checking the number, it wasn’t one that you recognized. Though it was your normal policy to ignore unknown numbers, something compelled you to answer the call this time around.

“Hello?”

“Good afternoon. It’s lovely to hear your voice again after so long.”

“L-Lucifer?” You squeaked, sitting straight up as if he was right in front of you. “How did you get this number?”

“Oh, I have my ways.” He said nonchalantly after a brief chuckle. “Congratulations on the successful book launch and follow up tour, by the way.”

“Ah… Thank you.” You didn’t know why you were so flustered. He wasn’t actually physically there, but the closeness of his voice reminded you of how amazing it was the last time the two of you were in the same room together. “But you should really be giving the thanks to Simeon, he did all the hard work.”

“He did. But you did have a heavy hand in… helping him, did you not?”

Your whole body warmed in embarrassment. Of all people to know the dark secret behind Simeon’s book, it had to be one of the most powerful people in the country. Inwardly, you prayed he wouldn’t hold that information as blackmail against the two of you. “I… I helped a little...”

“So humble.” Lucifer chuckled again, rather amused at the exchange you were having with him. “I’ve been keeping track of the book sales and I have to say, I’m rather impressed. Thanks to him, and by proxy you, stocks in my company have risen quite dramatically. If you have some time, I’d like to thank you personally with a small private party.”

“I… Eh? What?” You were left speechless by the offer.

“Simeon is my friend, I know he’s probably overworked from writing a book and then going on a tour. If I remember correctly, neither of you got to spend the holidays at home. Why not make it up now when you have time?”

Lucifer was awfully persuasive, his tone was made of velvet and you felt yourself relaxing from just listening to his voice. “I… I can free up my schedule.”

“Excellent. Now, I have a few ideas on what we can do for Simeon.” You couldn’t see it, but you could feel the excitement Lucifer had in his voice as you fell into what felt like a trap with him. “I think you know as well as I do that he doesn’t ever voice what he wants. I’m thinking this would be a good time to get him to open up, don’t you?”

You felt a heat rising up your neck and pooling at your cheeks. He didn’t say it explicitly, but you had an idea about where the conversation was going. Still, it was rude to assume anything. “What do you have in mind?”

“I do hope your evening is free, I’ve got quite a bit to discuss.”

“The night is all yours.”

~~

Simeon didn’t know how he was convinced to go to this celebration Lucifer set up. The fact that his friend went to you first made it feel like there were ulterior motives to this little get together. Even if he’d only met you once before, Lucifer had already figured out how much sway you had over Simeon and that was the most frightening thing to realize. He knew the demon had a slew of tricks up his sleeve; despite the innocent grounds of the celebration, Simeon felt an anxiety he hadn’t before. Whenever Lucifer was involved, things were always more than they seemed.

The long ride up to his friend’s penthouse perched atop his high rise corporate building gave him too much time to ponder what was going to happen. His mind ran away with too many dark scenarios, by the time he was halfway through the floors, Simeon was visibly shaking. What if it was a trap? What if you were coerced to invite him? Would you even be there? What was the point of the celebration? He had already gone through all the ceremonies and parties he needed, why did he need to go to this one in particular?

“Lucifer invited us to a party to celebrate your new book, can we go?” Ah, there it was. The only reason why he agreed to arrive at all. Your voice had been so sweet and excited when you broke the news to him. You had no idea what kind of person Lucifer was and he was helpless to protect you from the demon’s schemes. The least he could do was accompany you whenever you were in his presence.

The last few floors to the top and Simeon was having doubts about going. He nearly stopped the elevator’s ascent before he remembered the favor he owed Lucifer. Being in debt to the demon was never something he wanted. It was only out of obligation that he was attending. Once it was all over, he would figure out a way to patch things up with you that didn’t involve Lucifer. The distance that developed between you had become unbearable and he needed to do something about it before he chased you away forever.

“Oh, I’m so glad you’ve finally decided to grace us with your presence.” Lucifer’s called from the other side of the room. “Took you long enough, I was starting to think that the elevator had broken down.”

Simeon looked around at the luxurious abode, taking in the beautiful sunset that shone through the floor to ceiling windows. A small table was already set with food, bottles of champagne sat chilling in ice. A single paltry mylar balloon set at the middle of the table had “Congratulations!” printed across it, the only thing that really even denoted that the gathering was any sort of celebration. He never was good at decorating…

He took a tentative step towards where the festivities were to take place. It was rather impressive just how much Lucifer amassed during his time in the human realm. More importantly, he took the time to take in his surroundings and look for you. Any sign that you were safe was all he needed to be put at ease.

He found you lounging on a sofa, looking out to the city, admiring the landscape from such a height. Seeing you dressed in a lovely cocktail dress made him feel rather out of place with his usual over-sized sweater and jeans. He had thought it was a casual affair, not anything that he would need to dress for. “I guess I didn’t get the memo about the dress code.” he joked to get your attention.

He didn’t want to think about how your skin glowed in the warm light of the sunset. Avert his eyes as he might, it was hard not to admire how the fabric clung to you in the most flattering way. It was hard to look away. His daze only broke when Lucifer just happened to pop open a bottle of champagne.

The attention didn’t go unnoticed. The plan you had concocted with Lucifer was going just swimmingly. It had been a trial to keep all the delicious details away from him, but seeing his bewildered expression was worth it. You got up from your seat and took a flute of the bubbly Lucifer was offering to bring over to Simeon. “Well, you’re the guest of honor, so you’re free to wear whatever you want.”

Simeon laughed softly, trying not to let his gaze linger on your collarbone. Your fingers brushed against his own when he took the flute from your hand. Just from that little contact, he was acutely aware of Lucifer watching your every action. Something was afoot, and he couldn’t discern if you were in on the plan as well. For what it was worth, you looked absolutely enchanting in that dress. He would have to at least thank Lucifer later for letting such a beautiful sight grace his eyes. Perhaps, the party wouldn’t be all too bad after all. “Just the three of us?”

“Well, my assistant would have been here too, but a sister company needed to borrow her for a business trip.” Lucifer shrugged. “She was so looking forward to seeing her favorite author in person too.”

Simeon raised a brow, taking a sip of the champagne. He could tell where the conversation was going. The copy of his book on a side table confirmed his suspicions. “Ah, let me guess. You want to give her a signed copy of the book when she gets back?”

“How’d you guess?”

“Not the first time I’ve had this talk.”

Lucifer laughed softly. “Well, you do owe me a favor.”

“That I do. Are you cashing it in now?”

“Not right now. Just relax and enjoy yourself, I called you here to celebrate your success, not make you do any more work.” He raised his glass for a toast and Simeon obliged.

The conversation subtly changed to other mundane topics. With the help of the alcohol, Simeon was able to relax and be less paranoid about his friend’s intentions. Still trying to be as respectable as he could be, he sat next to you while the three of you chatted. The small bites at the table slowly dwindled as you all partook in nibbling on them at intervals. You barely noticed the sun disappearing past the horizon until the lights came on.

At that point, Simeon was finally lax enough to speak freely. He had gone off on a tangent about the difficulties in cooking a proper fillet of fish. The rant lasted much longer than anticipated, and though you were invested in what he was saying, there were other plans that needed to be put into motion. His lips were too loose and you needed to shut him up somehow.

“Hey, Simeon?”

“Hm? What is i-- Mmph!” He never finished his sentence as you had pulled him into a torrid kiss. The libations and the lax company had made it so easy to fantasize about him, the plan Lucifer concocted with you only fueled your desires. As soon as you had him where you wanted, you straddled him on the sofa, deepening the kiss. He tasted like champagne and spices. The cologne he had on seemed stronger than usual, or perhaps that was also because of the alcohol? Regardless, he was delicious and better than anything else you had that evening.

“Wait. You can’t. You’re drunk… Lucifer is...” Simeon stuttered and you placed a finger on his kiss swollen lips.

“I’m not drunk. Lucifer knows exactly what’s going on.” You reassured. “Let us treat you right. You’ve worked so hard lately. Relax...”

He bit at his lower lip, staring into your eyes in hopes of finding some fault in your confidence only to see that there was none. You had days to prepare yourself for this moment. There was no going back and you were absolutely living. He looked so sweet and unassuming with that bewildered look of his. It was almost a shame to hide his beautiful eyes when Lucifer came up from behind the sofa and draped the blindfold over his face. “Relax...” he said softly into the angel’s ear, slipping a little bit of magic into his voice. “It’s been a long time since you’ve had release, I know… Let us take care of you.”

He could feel the magic seep into him, unwinding his tense muscles and his mind drifted into an odd state of hyperawareness as his senses were taken away from him. A part of him wanted to fight against the magic, resist the pull of calmness that crept through his veins. Whatever powers he had to contest against the charm working its way through his limbs were quickly dashed away as you went back into him for another kiss. You took your time, savoring the softness of his lips and the heat of his breath as he succumbed to the two of you.

You glanced up at Lucifer after breaking the kiss and he raised an amused brow. It had been much easier to get Simeon to comply than he had anticipated. He would have thought the angel would have used at least some of his celestial powers to combat the little spell he wove into his words. His hand gently pat Simeon’s hair like a beloved pet while your fingers played at the hem of his sweater.

Simeon tensed up again when he felt his shirt being lifted and pulled it back down, shying away from your touches. “Please, let me see all of you.” you asked with a pout that he fortunately couldn’t see.

“I… I don’t...” he protested.

“It’s okay…” Lucifer’s low, silky voice cut through his doubts and forced his mind back into that blank calm it was in before. “Relax. It will be all right.”

Simeon let out a stuttering breath, slowly removing his hands away from his sweater to let take it off him. He shivered as cooler air hit his heated skin. He turned away from you again, acutely aware of all the stares he was getting from you. His whole body tingled in anticipation of what might happen next. Not being able to see your expression or where Lucifer was prowling was putting him on edge, but the spell over his mind had him oddly calm at the same time.

Ultimately, you just wanted Simeon to voice what he really wanted. You wanted to hear what he really thought about you. You were tired of guessing and when Lucifer offered to set something up to get him to talk, it was impossible for you to turn such a chance down. If you couldn’t get him to say anything after today, well, there were plans in place for that as well. Getting his sweater off was a good start, but you wanted to see him beg as he had done before.

“Hands and knees.” You commanded, guiding him off the couch and onto the plush carpet of the floor onto his knees. Lucifer, ever being the gracious host pushed the table with the last of the food and drinks to the side to give you more room to work with. Out of the corner of his eye, he caught your reaction to the self-inflicted scars that marred Simeon’s back and shoulders.

“Oh… Oh, Simeon...” You breathed when you saw the long scars across his body. Some of the marks were clearly newer than others; but all of them seemed recent enough for you to gather when he had made them. Your fingers slowly traced each one of them, planting soft kisses on the freshly healed skin. Some of the marks still had the trace edges of a scab that only recently fell off and you spent a few extra moments to caress the tender skin in those spots. You lost count of just how many kisses you had showered onto his back and shoulders, each one of them reverent and apologetic in nature. “Why did you do this to yourself?”

“I… I deserve punishment for what I did to you.” He replied. Oddly enough, he was glad for the blindfold across his eyes. It meant he didn’t have to look at your tear filled eyes and worried expression while he explained himself. Having Lucifer witness the exchange only made him feel all the more vulnerable and he curled up on himself, hunching over to hide his face. “I don’t deserve your forgiveness.”

Your fingers idly outlined the myriad of marks across his back. It was hard to say anything in those moments. He was visibly shaken by what happened the one time he let the darkness in him consume him. He was able to at least beat into something more manageable with the self-imposed punishment he put himself through. Simeon let out an earth shattering sigh before straightening back up. He needed to accept that even if you said you forgave him, you were more than welcome to never want to be with him again.

After all, you had a taste of what it felt like to be with someone like Lucifer who didn’t have the same limitations as he did. Nothing was stopping you from going to the other man in the room for your needs. If there was something he deserved, it would be your scorn and your hatred towards him. Yet, to his surprise, you showed him none of that. All you did was gently rub your back while he stewed in his misery.

“Are you done with wallowing yet?” Lucifer spoke up, his tone clearly denoting just how bored he was with Simeon’s dramatic self-deprecating moment. “Neither of us have left you yet, so what makes you think we’re going to anytime soon?”

“I… I’ve sinned too much.”

Lucifer scoffed. “You’ve sinned too much? Shall we make you repent then?”

“...Yes”

It was all the permission the two of you needed. Lucifer drew Simeon’s hands together in front of him, palms together in the position of prayer. A thin black ribbon wound between his fingers and his hands to keep them bound in the position. You rubbed comforting circles on his back while Lucifer worked magic with the ribbon until Simeon’s forearms were completely wrapped. You had to admire the handiwork, it was an intricate web of knots and loops that was absolutely mesmerizing to look at. “Good boy.” you praised once Lucifer tied the last knot to secure everything in place.

Simeon’s mind went blank at your words, the feelings welling up within him weren’t unfamiliar, but with his hands bound, he couldn’t act up on them. He wanted to kiss you, hold you, make you his without Lucifer’s presence and influence on you. The time he spent with you outside of work was precious and treasured, he didn’t want anyone interfering with the purity of his feelings for you. The way you touched him set his nerves on fire, the barely healed scars tingled in response to your fingers brushing past them.

“You’ve worked so hard, let’s make sure you get an appropriate reward.” You murmured, kissing the shell of his ear and trailing your lips down to his neck. He twitched any time your lips skimmed over a sensitive spot. You took notice of his reactions and made sure to spend a little extra time sucking at his skin, coaxing out soft, breathy moans. You pulled him toward you, resting his back against your chest, giving Lucifer full access to take off the rest of his clothes.

Exposed to the two of you, he felt like a lamb caught between two wolves. He couldn’t see where Lucifer was, but he could feel the other man’s presence circling around him. Your warm body against his back at least gave him some semblance of calm and he focused on that while anticipating the next thing that would happen. “You deserve to feel so good… Right?” you purred, reaching between his legs and giving his half hard cock an experimental stroke.

You were rewarded with a guttural grunt, his hips flexed and jerked up to meet your touch. His arms strained against their bindings, his fingers trembled against the ribbon, itching to return everything you were doing tenfold. You shushed him, noticing how tense he was and kissed his temple to relax him again. “Don’t worry. We’ll take good care of you.” You reassured.

Lucifer loved every bit of the scene that was unfolding on his floor. While Simeon was drowning in the security you gave him, he quietly pulled out a few choice items and placed them within reach for you. You looked up at him with a knowing smile and nodded in encouragement. “We’re going to need you to last all night long...” Lucifer’s said, his voice seemed to echo in Simeon’s head, close and everywhere all at once.

He bit his lip, turning his head about as if to look around. He felt something cool join your hand at his cock. The ring easily slipped down his half hard length and rested at the base of his cock. You continued to languidly stroke him to full mast, marveling at just how quickly he got hard once he was at your mercy. “Good job.” You planted kisses on his temple before maneuvering him onto his elbows and knees.

With his ass in the air like that, you couldn’t help but give it a resounding slap. The sharp sound echoed throughout the room and Simeon yelped at the sudden pain. The sting made his eyes water, but the soft caresses that came after made up for it. He let out a stuttering breath, concentrating on how the carpet underneath him felt and not on your hands spreading his ass cheeks apart, revealing the tightly puckered hole of his anus. “Lucifer, if you’ll do the honors...”

“With pleasure.”

He knew what was coming, but not being able to see anything made it all the more intense for him. The coldness of the lube mingling with Lucifer’s long, slender fingers made his mind reel. Your hands firmly keeping his spread for the other man to finger and prepare him made a mixture of embarrassment and arousal spread through him. The wet sounds of his asshole being slowly stretched mingled with the breathy moans coming from his lips. You watched, rather entranced at how skillfully Lucifer slid his fingers in and out of Simeon. It seemed like he knew every sweet spot within, curling his fingers just so to get the best reaction out of the trembling man beneath you. “Amazing...”

“Isn’t he?” Lucifer concurred, adding a third finger into Simeon and chuckling darkly at the strangled gasp that came out of the angel. “He’s beautiful, isn’t he?”

“Mm, like an angel.”

He shouldn’t have found your analogy so amusing, but it was so charming how you called him an angel while doing such sinful things. And in the presence of a demon of all things. The irony of it all only made the scenario he created with you all the more entertaining to him. He gave Simeon a few more long, unhurried thrusts with his fingers before deeming his hole prepared enough. Hearing Simeon whimper when he was no longer filled sent a thrill through his body. He was sure his friend had struggled so hard to not fall from the grace of the Celestial realm. But, with how debauched Simeon became from just a little teasing; he was sure human temptations had blackened the once pure soul of his friend.

He could tell with just how Simeon looked at you how enamored he was with you. He could literally feel the tendrils of desire seeping out of him and the heated gazes he left on all of your assets whenever you weren’t looking. He might still be an angel in the eyes of the gods above, but it was a matter of time before he fell. All he needed was a little push over the edge.

Even if he had been properly prepared and the lube Lucifer used had been liberal enough to drip down his thighs, it didn’t prepare him for the stretch and girth of the toy being inserted into him. The swell of its widest part made Simeon see stars as he was pushed to his limits before accepting the whole plug into him. His breathing came out in labored pants, drool dribbled down the corner of his mouth as he struggled to ground himself.

“Good boy.” You praised, placing chaste kisses on his lips and positioning his body just the way you wanted it. Laid out on his back, Lucifer raised his hands above his head and secured it against a sturdy pole. Seeing Simeon splayed out and exposed on the ground was a captivating sight, to say the least. He had no idea just how much fun you were about to have with him.

“Want to hear an angel sing?” Lucifer asked, helping you up from the ground and settling you into his lap on the sofa.

“I think that would be lovely.”

Simeon heard a soft lick coming from where your voice came from. Before he could comprehend what was going on, he let out the most beautiful wail of pleasure as his whole body was taken over with stimulation. The sizable plug in him started to vibrate, the intensity of the sensations short circuited his brain. There was nothing to keep him from blocking out the onslaught of pleasure thrust upon him. He thrashed against his bindings, trying to get away from what you and Lucifer had orchestrated. It was an excruciating experience to be overcome with so much pleasure all at once. He wanted to cum, wanted it to all be over; but he knew it was just the beginning. His cock throbbed against the ring at the base, aching for release or stimulation but getting none.

“It’s a lovely sound, isn’t it?” Lucifer asked, kissing your jawline and your neck. His hands cupped your breasts, massaging them and making you arch your back against him. He could feel your body get warmer as you watched Simeon squirm on the floor. The sight was undoubtedly arousing, even for him. There really wasn’t anything more titullating than having such a powerful creature at their mercy.

“Beautiful.” You agreed, turning your head to capture Lucifer’s lips in a ferverent kiss. You ground against his lap while his hands explored and played with your body. The two of you made sure to be vocal enough for Simeon to hear. The wet sounds of your kisses and your lewd moans mixed with his desperate cries to create a beautiful, perverse symphony.

Lucifer’s hand slid under the skirt of your dress, his thighs shifted so that your legs naturally spread for him. His fingers deftly found your panties and pushed them aside to plunge into your hot core. For a moment both you and Simeon screamed in tandem. Lucifer rest his head at the crook of your neck as his fingers worked their magic on you. You could understand now why Simeon sounded so needy earlier. There was a confidence in the way he worked your folds and how he shoved his fingers into you that made you want more.

“Oh fuck.” you moaned, rolling your hips to meet his his fingers. You reached back to play with his hair, your vision became blurry from just how much he was able to elicit out of you with just his fingers. “I want your cock so bad.” You moaned, pressing your ass against his bulge.

“In due time, Little Lamb...” he reassured, pushing his fingers into you until he was knuckle deep. The motion of which made you gasp and cry for him. “The night is still young. You have to be patient.”

“Y-yes...” You breathed. You had nearly forgotten that in the end, the focus was supposed to be Simeon’s pleasure and not your own. You sighed, feeling a bit guilty that you had been so quick to neglect the man on the floor.

Lucifer had a way of directing the evening, commanding everything to fit right into his plans. He had you writing and aroused beyond all belief in his lap. Simeon was on the ground, screaming in desperation for relief. Everything was going just the way he had planned it, even the parts that he didn’t disclose to you. It was so gratifying to see how easily you had played into his hand. He reluctantly pulled his fingers out of your tight heat and coaxed you out of his lap. “We have a lot to do still.”

“Ah… right.” You said, reminded of everything else you had planned.

The vibrations in Simeon’s ass subsided a bit, giving him a brief moment to catch his breath. That didn’t last long though as Lucifer walked over to slide his fingers coated in your slick down his mouth. Instinctively, Simeon sucked and lapped, greedily tasting you. The sounds you made earlier only served to make him painfully hard and the need for release was growing unbearable. He groaned against the digits, hoping the pleading tone in his noises would allow him some mercy.

“You always sound so pretty when you beg.” You purred, crawling next Simeon and licking his nipple. He choked against the fingers in his mouth, gagging as he tried to accommodate the new sensation of your tongue on his oversensitive skin. “You look like you’re just about to lose it...” Your hand traveled down his abs to grab his cock, giving it a few hard strokes which made him gag once again on Lucifer’s fingers.

His body betrayed all of his internal protests. He should have tried to curb his desires more, but his body had other ideas. It moved in your favor, his hips jerked violently against your hand and his back arched to meet your lips on his nipple. The vibrations in his ass once again intensified and he was sinking into the depths of pleasure with no way out.

He cursed, screaming your name and Lucifer’s while you pampered his body with attention. Despite the ring restricting his intense oncoming climax, cum leaked freely from the tip, coating your hand in a slick, sticky mess. “Won’t you let go for me?” You asked sweetly before you grazed his nipple with your teeth, biting down gently and eliciting yet another delightfully garbled moan from him.

Lucifer withdrew his fingers once he felt Simeon had done a sufficient job of cleaning them. He almost felt pity at the man on the ground. The pleasure he was receiving seemed to be almost too much. But, Lucifer knew it would take much more to break Simeon down to his most basic needs. If he wanted to hear Simeon beg to fall, then he would need to do much more.

You were doing a wonderful job of keeping Simeon just on the edge of his climax. Your hands stilled anytime his hips bucked wildly. Your mouth focused solely on teasing his nipples until they were sore from being licked and nipped at. You were doing your part perfectly, which meant Lucifer needed to match your pace and up the ante a bit more.

His hand replaced yours at Simeon’s cock. He stroked the ring at the base of his shaft. “You want to release?”

Simeon nodded, choking back a sob and he twitched against his bindings. Lucifer smirked and started to slide the ring off. He watched as Simeon’s plush lips were stuck in perfect “O”, he barely dared to breathe until you bit on his nipple again and made him gasp loudly. It was just the perfect distraction to slide the ring off the last few inches of his aching cock. Simeon heaved deep breaths as he felt the pressure on his dick finally abate. Surely that meant he had come to the end of the torture he was being put through.

It was only the beginning of the fun for Lucifer. There was a rustling noise from the corner of the room as Lucifer reached for something. He couldn’t quite make out what it was, but he didn’t have to wonder for long as Lucifer pressed cold, wet ice against the heated flesh his thighs and trailed it up to his cock. The sounds that came from his lips almost didn’t sound human as he choked out a cry, squirming away from the cold.

Lucifer was insistent, running the cold ice up and down his heated shaft, the mixture of your hot mouth on his chest and the chill of the ice on his cock made his head swim. He struggled again against his bindings, but they held fast. His fingers and wrists began to feel numb from being held firmly together for so long; but it was nothing compared to the numbness he felt throughout his body. He couldn’t keep track of who was doing what anymore. His body merely a toy for the two of you to play with. It was filthy to be used so thoroughly, but a dark part of his heart absolutely relished in it.

The ice trailed up his hips, past his abdomen and circled one of his pert, sensitive nipples. The sudden cold made his head spin and your hot mouth switched places with ice. Lucifer lazily dragged the melting ice back and forth between his nipples, watching it melt against his hot skin. It brought him so much joy to pinch at those overstimulated buds of flesh whenever the ice left him just numb enough. The yelps of surprise that came from Simeon always melted into a quiet moan and a slight arch of his back.

You trailed kisses down, down to the apex of his thighs and he swore he saw the gates of heaven open when your tongue flitted out and lapped at the tip of his cock. He would have cum then and there if he didn’t know any better. Even if it was unsaid, he didn’t have permission to release unless you or Lucifer explicitly said so. He held back his moans, thinking about the cold ice on his chest instead of what your hot mouth was doing.

“Let go...” Lucifer purred into his ear.

It was all the permission Simeon needed. Your hand stroked him to completion as let out a long moan. His semen came out in long, hot ropes, coating your hand and his abdomen. Lucifer swept in for a hot, sloppy kiss, swallowing all the lewd sounds that came from Simeon while you languidly licked his cum from your hand and off his skin. His whole body trembled from the force of his orgasm; but it wasn’t over yet. The plug in his ass still stimulated him and kept his libido on high. Even if he wanted to catch his breath, he wouldn’t be able to with how Lucifer and you were pushing his limits.

He whined when Lucifer finally broke the kiss. He was needy in a way he had never been before. There was a desperate need for a different kind of release than the one he just had. He knew exactly what it was he wanted; but it wasn’t something he could have. He wanted what Lucifer could do to you, to sink his length into you until he was balls deep. He wanted to feel your inner walls around him and not your hands. He wanted your slick to cover his cock. He wanted to claim you. “Ah.. Please… I… I need...”

You shushed him with a quick peck on his lips. “I know, I know… you want to cum again.” You finished his sentence for him.

He stuttered. It was not what he needed, not in the way you had planned. “N-no. I… I need… Ahhn!~” His pleas were cut short as you tied a vibrator against his softening cock. A length of black ribbon kept the toy flush against his member and you cooed softly, admiring your own handiwork. With a soft click, the toy was turned on at the highest setting and Simeon was thrown right into another round of screaming and fighting against his bindings.

“Feel free to cum as many times as you want, my Angel. This night is about you.” You finally took the blindfold off of him to let him see his surroundings.

He blinked, trying to get his eyes to adjust to the sudden change in light. You were still dressed to the nines in that slinky dress of yours; however there was a distinctive debauched air about it. Your hair was in disarray, there were wrinkles in the fabric that weren’t there before. There was also the fact that your panties were just idly hanging off of your ankle that made the sight all the more debased than he could ever imagine.

Lucifer stood behind you, one hand under your skirt fondling your pussy while his other hand groped your breast. You hummed and rocked against his touches, your knees feeling weak at just how talented he was at getting you riled up. Seeing you squirm and shake, gasping for Lucifer was enough to pull another orgasm out of Simeon. His spent cock being forced into erection over and over again thanks in part to the toy strapped to him and also due in part to the lewd show you were giving him.

“Like what you see?” Lucifer asked, smirking at the exhausted man below him. Simeon’s bright eyes were glazed over in lust, the desire to take you for himself was clear as day. But, denying him the thing he wanted the most was too entertaining. Seeing the torment flit across the man’s face as he was made to watch you come undone was absolutely delicious. “Want to see more?”

He lifted your skirt up and revealed to Simeon how much of a sopping wet mess you were. Simeon’s gaze was affixed to the way Lucifer’s finger stroked your slit up and down with his thumb pressed up against your clit. His digits were absolutely soaked with your essence, sliding in and out of you with ease whenever he felt bored of playing with your labia. He whimpered, his hips twitching in response to your every gasp and moan.

“Can we please?” You pleaded, leaning into Lucifer and desperately kissing his jawline. “You know how much he likes to watch.”

“Oh, I do.” Lucifer chuckled, his free hand moved to undo the zipper of your dress. The fabric fell from your shoulders, pooling at your feet and Simeon’s vision was blessed with your nude form in front of him. It wasn’t the first time he had seen it, but it had been so long since the last time, it felt like a whole new experience all together.  

Lucifer undid his slacks just enough free his own aching penis. He rubbed the shaft between your legs, coating his length with your juices. Simeon watched, barely registering the vibrations on his own cock anymore. He licked his lips, wishing he was in his friend’s place. The needy gaze didn’t go unnoticed, Lucifer saw the desperation build behind Simeon’s gaze and he gave the angel a self-satisfied smirk as he lined himself to your hole and slid into you in one smooth motion.

Even if the initial intentions of the night were to get Simeon to cum until he couldn’t see straight, you would be lying if you didn’t crave a little action of your own. Lucifer’s dick sliding in out of you while Simeon watched was just the stimulation you needed. You couldn’t get enough of being watched hungrily by the man on the ground, unable to do anything except cum over and over again thanks to all the toys. It was the perfect amount of payback for all the times he played with you without giving you what you truly wanted.

“Oh fuck you feel so good.” You gasped, reeling in bliss as your inner walls hugged and squeezed Lucifer’s cock as if they were made for him.

The man behind you was taking quite a bit of enjoyment out of the scenario as well. His usual smooth talking had stopped as he focused on fucking you. He knew Simeon wouldn’t be able to tear his eyes away from how his dick disappeared into you over and over. Your vocal appreciation for everything he did to you wasn’t helping the envy building up in him. He wanted to be there, he could be there. All it took was a little push over the edge…

Lucifer was relentless in his pace, driving you to cum all over him quickly. He didn’t stop though, he was too fond of pushing the limits of everyone around him. He continued to fuck you until your knees gave out and you fell on all fours. His cock slipped out of you and Simeon could see the length glisten and drip with your juices. He licked his lips again and felt his water. He wanted to have a taste of you, even if it was on another man’s cock. The unique flavor of your essence still lingered at the back of his throat from when Lucifer had made him lick his fingers and he lusted for another sampling.

Lucifer sheathed himself into you once more and you saw stars from the new angle. The moan that came from your lips was all the encouragement Simeon’s hormones needed before he once again climaxed. His cries mingled with yours, filling the room with the lewd sounds of sex. Lucifer eventually joined in, his breathy sighs turned to aggressive grunts as he claimed your cunt in lieu of Simeon. “Gonna cum for me again, Little Lamb?” he asked, slapping your ass hard enough to leave a hand print on it.

You squealed, the pain shot across your body briefly before the fullness of his cock inside of you took all of it away. “Yes, yes sir… very soon, sir.”

“Good girl...” Lucifer growled, pulling your hair and using it as leverage to go deeper into you.

You lost count of how many times you screamed his name as he toed the line between pain and pleasure. He was rough but the rawness of his actions made your body sing praises. You watched as Simeon came again, his eyelids fluttering in exhaustion. His whole being completely spent and used. Yet, none of it was over until Lucifer said so.

“One last time. Cum for me, now.” Lucifer demanded.

You didn’t know how he had you trained so quickly. Your whole body spasmed as you came crumbling around him. “Fuck… Simeon...” You whined, calling for the man you truly wanted to fuck you. Your inner walls clamped around the cock in you, milking it as if it was the one in front of you. If you imagined it enough, you could see yourself riding him until the two of you were absolutely delirious.

Even if it had all been planned beforehand, Lucifer still couldn’t help but feel a bit of a sting when you called out the other man’s name. Your walls tightening around him was enough to send him over the edge with you and he released his load in you. His pace became an erratic stutter as he fucked you until his cock was too sensitive to take any more. He had been saving himself for this moment for quite a few days, the load he let go of was large enough to have his seed dripping out of you even before he pulled out.

Hearing his name come from your lips as you reached your climax with another man sent Simeon spiraling into the most powerful orgasm he had that night. He yelled your name, calling for you, begging for you as the last of his energy went into his release. He wheezed, barely able to keep consciousness as the last vestiges of his stamina went to blocking out the still vibrating toys on and in his body.

Gathering what strength your weary body had, you at least had the decency to undo the ties on his cock, letting the vibrator fall away from the sticky mess his multiple ejaculations had caused. It was a sight, his cum spilled all over his thighs, his stomach and on the rug underneath him. As filthy as it all was, it was still a rather erotic sight. While you removed the plug from his ass, Lucifer worked on finally undoing the bindings on his arms.

Simeon heaved a sigh of relief once he was freed. The first thing he did was attempt to pull you into a kiss, but he was so weak, he could only find the strength to tuck a stray strand of hair behind your ear. You got the hint and kissed the tip of his nose, smiling softly at him. You reached for the towels Lucifer had already set aside for clean up and gently cleaned off the worst of the mess from his body and on the rug. “Ahh… looks like you might need to steam clean that spot...”

“Or I can just get a new rug. I’ve been meaning to redecorate.” Lucifer shrugged, massaging Simeon’s hands and wrists, lovingly tracing the deep marks left behind from the ribbon. They wouldn’t last very long, but he did appreciate the crisscross pattern on his friend’s skin.

Simeon sighed in content, his whole body tingling in the aftermath of cumming so many times only to be followed by so care and attention. “I’m guessing that you two planned this beforehand and it wasn’t about celebrating the book release at all.”

“Oh, are you saying we didn’t applaud your deeds enough? Should we go another round?” You teased.

Simeon let out a tired groan and quickly backtracked. “Okay, no. No. This was plenty. The best party I’ve ever had. Promise.”

Lucifer chuckled, his hands still working circulation back into the tips of Simeon’s fingers. He watched the two of you banter and couldn’t help but feel a bond similar to the one he had with assistant forming between you and Simeon. All his friend needed was just a little more encouragement to take that last step to accept all the temptation in front of him. “Well, If you really want to talk about your work some  more, then I’m sure my assistant wouldn’t mind a signed copy of your book… if you have the time to grace us with your autograph.”

“I… I think I can manage that.”

Being pampered so thoroughly was a change of pace for him. Simeon felt like he was drifting off in a warm pool of water. His consciousness drifted away as you and Lucifer cleaned him off and made sure he was comfortable. “Oh… One more present before you fall asleep.” You shook him out of the doze he was in to make sure he was completely conscious for the last gift you had prepared for him.

I really was a shame that Simeon had so many issues with expressing his desires.

He looked at you with confusion, looking around for what else you might have planned. You kissed him deeply, putting every bit of emotion you could into it to keep him distracted. While he languidly returned the kiss, he heard a soft clink and felt something cold surround his flaccid penis. A hefty metal cage enclosed his member and he blinked in shock, pushing you away and frantically looked back and forth between the two of you. “What… what is the meaning of this?”

“Well...” you drawled, snapping the locking mechanism shut and waving the key to the chastity belt in front of his face. “You’re adamant about not fucking me, so I didn’t think you’d need to use your dick any more. Right, Lucifer?”

Lucifer grinned devilishly, he pat your head like the obediant pet you were and nodded in agreement. “We could have avoided this if you just told us what you wanted out of tonight… But you were just too busy screaming, we couldn’t figure anything out.”

“It’s cute, right?” You asked, looking up him expectantly. “Do you like it? It was my idea.”

It was your idea. The fact shocked Simeon to his very core, to say the least.

“I.. I’m not sure if cute is the word you’re looking for.” Lucifer teased. His tender caresses moved away from Simeon’s arm to gently comb through his sex tousled hair. “But, I will admit that it is rather charming.”

You giggled, running your finger across the metallic finish of the cage, watching his cock twitch at the slight contact. “Nope. It’s cute. He’s my cute and precious angel.”

Mine.

Simeon’s arms wrapped around you possessively and held you close to him. Even if he was exhausted, he wouldn’t let Lucifer sway you with any more silly schemes. If he was to be caged for the rest of his life, he could accept his fate as long as he was yours. He sighed, surprisingly content with his life at the moment and he clung to you as he felt himself drifting off to sleep again. You held the key to many aspects of him at this point. At any time, you could choose to free him or entangle him in another intricate game to have him screaming your name.

None of that mattered. He was yours and he was beginning to believe he was willing to give you every part of him just to receive your approval. As long as your eyes were on him. As long as he held your attention. He was ready to give you whatever you asked for.

Except for maybe his divinity. He still foolishly clung to the delusion that he was a pure angel so long as he didn’t defile you.

You had taken him apart, dragging every bit of his heart into the darkness he had resisted for so long. The last traces of his holy resistance fought against the temptation. At this point, he knew was likely in too deep to really care if he did fall. As long as the fall meant he landed in your arms.

[phynali]

I just wanted to say that I really appreciate how positive you've been about the SPN finale. You're probably the ONLY person I follow who has not been making fun of it. I confess I became super disenchanted with the show a long time ago, and definitely fell into the "mocking the ending" hole because of all the frustrations I'd had with it over the years. THAT BEING SAID I'm really glad that there are fans like you who really liked the ending. Thanks for helping me remember why I loved the show

<3333333

The finale had a lot of emotions. and I think I get why people are upset about some of the things. 

It’s hard to watch Dean die so unceremoniously, impaled on rebar (which - I don’t know why people are making tetanus and rusty nail jokes. rebar is what they build bridges and building foundations on, that shit isn’t moving and will and does impale people). But I think an extreme emotional response to that, with frustration and anger, is totally warranted. Except to me, that’s the whole point? It’s frustrating and upsetting to be human. It’s frustrating and tragic that people die in such inglorious and messy ways. That our mortality is so present. And Dean wanted to be human, to exist outside of god’s story, to write his own narrative. And he got that, messy as is it. He got the ending he always knew he would (and wanted), dying while saving others (children, specifically). And got the ending he always wanted for Sam, with his brother having a long life and a family.

Maybe it helps that before watching the last 5 episodes, I most recently watched 1x12 Faith, where Dean is heading toward his first death and gets saved by someone else dying. And what’s always struck me about that episode is how inglorious his death would have been there as well. He was saving children and got electrocuted on a routine hunt. If it weren’t for magic, Dean would be dead at 26 in a parallel way to how he actually finally died at 41.

And I can get people being disappointed we didn’t see Cas. Tbh I am too, because I do like his character, even if his solo storylines don’t tend to excite me. 

But I’m pretty sure that without covid, Dean’s pyre would have been surrounded by all the surviving hunters and friends they’ve made along the way (alt universe hunters, Garth’s family, Jodi and Donna and the girls, etc), whereas in heaven he would have been greeted by not just Bobby but the rest of the friends and family he’d lost along the way (parents, Ellen and Jo, others), including Cas. And then he’d have driven off on his own only after that welcome. And the message would have been that each of them were supported, in both death (for Dean) and life (for Sam) by others until they could return to one another.

Alas, we never got that, which made it all feel even more tragic because Sam seemed so goddamn alone and I was gutted by that. 

But I also really liked Cas’s ending too?

Because Cas was explicitly stated to be in heaven, to be rebuilding it to be better alongside his son. And that parallels the Season 5 Swan Song finale ending but in a more uplifting way? Because in Swan Song, heaven was in disarray and he left earth to go try and help fix that shit, facing an uphill battle to do so. And in Season 15 Carry On, heaven was in disarray and he was plucked from the Empty by his son to help fix that, facing an easy path forward because he’s doing it with family. 

Also -- this completes his story. Cas is restoring the order he’s always wanted/needed to restore, pretty much since the start of his narrative (from season 4, when he first has doubts and rebelled, to season 6-7 when he wages war and tries to become god, to trying to fix it again and getting played by Metatron to staying out of it to being brought back into it all, to taking on Lucifer to beyond). If you zoom out, his full arc involves destroying/dismantling all that is wrong about heaven and the angels, then ultimately helping rebuild it right, now with Jack (God) finally at his side. 

Cas did it -- the thing he set out to do in Season 5: he found (a loving) God.

(As an aside I’ve seen a lot of memes about how Cas went to superhell but the Impala went to heaven, and I get the joke but I think a lot of people who don’t watch the show now think Cas really stayed in the Empty when he was legit in heaven even before Dean was, probably from the second Jack disappeared in ep 19.)

But all that being said, my strong impression is that a lot of people expressly and vehemently hated the finale specifically due to destiel not having any screentime and not being interpretable as endgame. 

And I know how upsetting it is to get your hopes dashed, but I really wish people could allow themselves to watch the finale outside of that bitterness. Because the show writers and cast and the narrative itself really has not, in the past 6-7 years, so much as hinted it’s ever going to happen. I’ve looked for it, I’ve analyzed it, and I’ve read the shipper analyses out of curiosity. And as a writer and avid fan and person who analyzes media a lot, it wasn’t heading there except that people really really really wanted to convince themselves the story was going to do that.  

I think people built themselves up for something that wasn’t going to happen by feeding off each other and buying into the new-fangled idea that it has to be ‘canon’ to be valid. This made them disengage from or distort what was being said in the text and caused them to ignore or dismiss what was being said by the people creating it. And now they’re mad and “betrayed” because what they read was not actualized, but I fundamentally believe they betrayed each other by creating false expectations and hopes where none were ever promised nor written in.

Not that there’s any issue at all with shipping it! I always give full support to all shipping. Just that it makes me sad that so much of the ire I’m seeing directed toward the finale and show now is about that, about bitterness of false expectations, rather than it being about engaging with the actual storytelling.

All feelings toward the finale are valid (though hate and mean messages being sent to the cast and crew really isn’t), and I get being sad and bitter. But yeah, I really really loved it, and reflecting on it as a writer has just made me love it more and more each time I dig deeper into some aspect of it. Whether you loved it or hated it, it was thought out and considered and carefully plotted and beautifully acted.

[dizexplainstheuniverse]

The daddy, the issue and what’s so great about walking into the fire.

The daddy

When I was 10 years old, my father broke my heart.

As I watched him marry his third wife, I burst into tears as he declared his love for her in front of our entire family and friends. It was as if my heart fell from my chest into my stomach and Lucifer’s hand reached down my throat, wrenched it out and threw it down onto the floor in front of me – “You won’t be needing that”, he said.

“You may now kiss the bride”, I stared across the room at them, broken and confused, as my heart lay limply pulsating at my feet.

I remember my older sister laughing at me and asking me why I was crying. I couldn’t tell her it was because the man I loved so deeply, the man I so desperately craved the love and affection of, the man who abandoned me when I was 6 years old, the man who – as it turned out – didn’t hug me until I was 16 years old and to this day I can still count on one hand how many times I’ve felt his awkward embrace, the man who was so far from the definition of a father you’d assume we weren’t related had just married a stranger.

I told her I was crying with happiness.

The issue

The joys of being self-aware and invested in the business of self-development often means that I can spot the reg flags in a potential relationship pretty early on. I can smell the avoidants and dismissive from a mile off and yet their alluring scent draws me in closer to the fire. I gaze longingly into it, knowing if I get any closer I will definitely get burnt – I’ve got a million burns to prove it. It never gets any less painful, and yet, like a moth to a flame, I flutter on into the blaze.

Ouch, that hurt. I knew it, why did I do it AGAIN?

I know exactly why I do it. I do it because I’m idealistic, romantic and my inner child desperately craves validation and approval from a particular type of person because of the deep wounds my abusive father left with me with. (It’s unfortunately an all too familiar storyline for many of us.)

I’m always looking for a do-over. Always chasing the kind of love only a father has for his daughter. The “I’d die for you” kind of love. Even when I think I’ve found it, it’s never quite enough. So I keep on searching, I keep on pining after the men who don’t seem to give me enough attention. I keep on craving their approval, needing so furiously to be desired, to be everything they’ve ever needed and more. I need it to feel powerful, I need it to feel safe, I need it to feel loved.

Even if I do succeed in capturing their attention, it still feels like something is missing. I become restless, there must be something wrong… and so the craving sets in once again.

I’ve spent much of my adult life trying to heal through practicing self-love, doing the work, nurturing to my inner child work, facing my shadows and releasing my embodied trauma. This shit takes time and whilst we’re healing, inevitably we sometimes end up repeating some of the same mistakes, more than twice. We try not to judge and punish ourselves, we show ourselves compassion, we forgive ourselves and we continue to grieve the loss of the love we didn’t get from our parents. It’s exhausting.

There’s an interesting moment in time in the healing process when our unhealthy habits and coping strategies no longer work for us – they seem entirely pointless. But equally, our new coping strategies are really fucking tough because they’re these new, weird, inconvenient tools that we don’t really know how to use yet and we aren’t quite seeing the pay-off from the expensive investment that we’ve made in ourselves. We’re stuck in limbo. We’re in an incredibly transformational period; so close, and yet so far. We see clearly the patterns of behaviour which are no longer serving is. We see very clearly the habits that are preventing us from growth. But, we just can’t seem to shake them.

For me, this is particularly true when interacting the ‘popular’ types. You know the ones, the shiny, extroverted, sun-shines-out-of-their-arse types. Someone I’d perceive to be more attractive than me and more successful. These aspects are quite specific to the areas in my own life where I believe I’m a failure – likely because these were the areas that I felt if only I was better or special in some way and then maybe, just maybe, my father would finally acknowledge me and show me he loved me. This all very much drives my perfectionism and my insanely critical inner voice.

So, these types really stab me in the ‘daddy’ shaped hole in my heart.

Thankfully, after a little chat with my inner child I can usually spot the signs that I’ve been triggered. If they aren’t responding well to my yearning, the rational thing to do would be to turn the ship around and save myself the aggro of falling for yet another avoidant dismissive and having my heart wrenched out of stomach after feeling rejected or abandoned. These types make it very difficult for me to remember my worth, to keep myself grounded, to remind myself I am enough, I am safe and I am lovable. However…

I just can’t help myself. It’s honestly an addiction.

And what’s so great about walking into the fire

This was a question that up until very recently, I had never considered. I’d always assumed the reason I did it was because I didn’t respect myself enough – I think probably to begin with that was true. I’ve often wondered if it’s because I don’t love myself enough, or maybe I do this because feeling unsafe is all I’ve ever known. But that’s not true, I have had very healthy, very loving and very successful relationships and I really do care for myself now. I stopped judging myself, I forgave myself, I learnt to love and accept myself. I let go of the layers of shame and guilt that smothered my ability to fully express myself. I even learnt how to have boundaries. And yet, those flames still really, reallyyyyy titillate me...

But whyyyy?

I decided to sit down and I write out a list of things that draw me towards the fire:

First of all, I live in an absolute idealistic and romantic fantasy (most of us do!). Thanks to innumerable trashy rom-coms, I have ridiculous expectations of what love is supposed to look like and the things people will do to win the affection of their beloved. Maybe this time it’ll all work out? The shy wallflower will finally be acknowledged by the tough jock when he realises how wonderful she is and they’ll live happily ever after?

Never.

Secondly, it’s exciting. There’s risk involved in potentially (inevitably) getting burnt. It’s much like any other risky addictive habit; gabbling, drugs, sex with your best friends ex when he explicitly told you not to. Maybe the rush of it will be worth it this time? It definitely won’t be. The low, the regret, the guilt and the self-loathing is ALWAYS horrendous. On the other hand, maybe you already feel pretty shitty so, what have you got to lose? Might as well, ey?

Nope.

And finally, I honestly find everyday life seriously mundane. I constantly crave intensity and losing myself. Routine is boring, change is exciting. The fire offers me the perfect distraction from the monotony of the day-to-day snooze fest. I used to believe I was trying to escape something, trying to run away from my problems by filling my time with a chaotic love life just so I had something to talk about other than the files that Susan lost when the auditors came to… GAH! To begin with, this was true. But I’ve done a fuck tonne of work on myself since then, I no longer find solace in my old coping strategies because they simply do not work. I gave them up, I started actually taking care of myself and tending to my needs and wounds instead. So what was it?

I then realised something very important. Wanting excitement, thrill, ecstatic joy, bliss, celebration, partying, romance, love, sex, creativity, playfulness and adventure is in no way a bad thing. It is in no way a sign of weakness or an indication that I’m trying to escape something. It tells me I am human, that I’m alive, that I’m a social being. It tells me I want more than this average life we get sold by the system, that I won’t settle for this bullshit, that I deserve more, I am worthy and – I am the fire.

I already embody all of the things I so desperately crave. I am everything that I need. I have everything that I desire. I’m drawn to the fire because it’s calling me to be seen. My attachments and wounds have left me feeling dismissed, unacknowledged, invalidated and deleted… But I AM the fire. We all are. Whether or not another human experiences you in this way is irrelevant. We do not need anyone else to approve our existence and worth. Even if it is never seen or shared with anyone, the fact still remains true that you are indeed already burning effervescently.

No permission.

No recognition.

No validation.

No attention.

No acknowledgement.

And you will still remain the brightest light in the universe.

Instagram: @dizexplainstheuniverse | Facebook: /dizexplainstheuniverse

[qqueenofhades]

Lucifer 3x04

Okay.... so. Thoughts!

The switch between moved season 2 episodes and actual season 3 episodes continues to be a little jarring, as last week definitely felt like a standalone with Maze before we return to the ongoing s3 story this week. This will presumably pass once we get deeper into the season and is mostly a strategical quirk, but yes.

Amenadiel continues to be the MVP (even if I was cringing with secondhand embarrassment over his early attempts to be Lucifer.... oh honey). He’s actually growing into the role he has swung for and missed before, that of the wise older brother, and showing a lot of self-awareness and patience and humility for the endless Garbage Lucifer is currently throwing at him. He has for once genuinely decided that being Lucifer isn’t something to envy and doesn’t have the “am I the favorite son or you?” rivalry that has gotten under his skin before. He’s still doing it in some part because he wants his powers back, yes, but also because he finally understands the depths of Lucifer’s mess in a way he didn’t before. Good job, Amenadiel. Someone give him a Cosmo and a gold star.

Speaking of Lucifer....

Honey.

Honey you’re not just fucking this up, you’re taking a blowtorch to it.

It’s no surprise the episode was called “What Would Lucifer Do” and it was all about Lucifer running at warp speed into the Wrong Conclusion Wall of People Never Change I am Still the Devil of Sex and Drugs and Deals. Which is why Amenadiel has to explicitly remind him that according to Lucifer’s old self, he wasn’t evil, he punished evil, while Lucifer has gone whole hog trying to embrace his supposed “badness” as a reaction against the wings being given back and the implication of restored angelic identity. He’s not even being the old Lucifer, he’s just being a total incoherent self-destructive mess.

I ship Deckerstar always and forever as ultimate endgame and think that the entire story of the show is about Lucifer and Chloe finding their way to each other (once again, not surprising that it was a threat to Chloe that shook Lucifer up and made him realise he was toot toot motherfuckers full speed ahead on the Terrible Decision Train) but I don’t particularly ship it at the moment, and I feel that’s intentional. Lucifer has been spiralling out of control since last season/post-Chloe miracle reveal, and has never gotten on track again since. The Candy/God Johnson/Mum business only accelerated it, and the wings have thrown it into overdrive. He’s a fucking mess, and not in the quirky romantic “it would be better if Chloe was nicer to him!!!” sort of way. As in, I can’t suggest that he’s the best option for her in any way right now, whether professionally or romantically. He is still convinced they were set up by Dad and of course he has to keep lashing back against everything Dad could possibly be or want. I can’t figure out why Chloe hasn’t cut him completely loose by now, except for the fact that she does still care about him, the one thing Lucifer seems to be determined to stamp out with everyone.

Therefore I honestly am all for Chloe and Marcus going somewhere and that being used to give Lucifer a serious gut-check, because he really, really needs it. Obviously, Marcus is used as the foil in their relationship; they are the main characters, it’s their story, and he’s the complication/stick in the gears that is used to stimulate conflict and change on both their parts. It’s been a few episodes now of Lucifer just barking up every incorrect tree he can possibly find, and I feel bad for him, because I love him and I love what a Garbage King (of Hell) he is, but I also want to hit him with a two-by-four until it breaks.

Which is exactly what he would expect -- i.e. punishment -- and that makes me very sad, because everything for him takes on such a sinister dimension and such a hidden or open intention for pain that he still can’t even believe that his own brother would actually sincerely want to help him. He’s, as noted, an Atomic Fucking Mess and in very real and very damaged and very long-lasting ways.

But Chloe has always been the one thing that gets through to Lucifer even at his worst and most delusional, and it’s not surprising that that is going to be the next stage of this story and the impetus that is going to make him question if it is worth continuing to melt down like this. Pierce saved her; Lucifer didn’t. And that is how he has always justified himself thus far, as at least he has always protected her when the chips are down. But he done blew it, he knew it right away, and then his method of fixing it was nearly to beat a bad guy to death. This is an absolutely vicious cycle and he’s gotta get out of it somehow, asap.

In short: The angst is Hurting me and Lucifer is an idiot surpassing even previous idiot levels and he’s got a long, long, long way to go to build himself back into even the person Chloe fell in love with in the first place, much less someone who could be a good partner for her in the ways she needs and deserves. Frankly, I have no idea how he’s even gonna start digging himself out, because his destructive spiral has been so comprehensive and so sustained. I just know that he has to, because he can’t hit much more rock bottom than where he is right now. Le sigh. He’s so conditioned by pain and negativity and darkness and it’s not even really funny anymore. There was always a darkly comic element to his earlier meltdowns, but there is a sense that he is genuinely close to losing control and doing something he can’t take back, and I’m pretty sure there’s a major shakeup of everything coming as a result.

In conclusion: Welp.

/gives Lucifer an air hug from afar

/swats him hard with a rolled-up newspaper

/puts him in time-out for several weeks