#it's always super intense.... and then it's gone lol which is sooo weird

[yutadori]

it's always so jarring to have a really intense crush that ends so abruptly... like . one day you find yourself thinking about them for the eightieth time that day and then you suddenly no longer feel anything towards them

[fibing-and-vibing]

Fibromyalgia skin care, body edition:

So, my skin is really bad lol. I’ve had a rash on my legs for over ten years, and every doctor and dermatologist I’ve ever gone to was super gaslighty about it. It was originally caused when I got several mosquito bites at once; the next day I woke up with hives that looked like I’d been bitten all over my body. From then on, they would flare up any time I experienced physical or mental stress. Which was often, bc I was in uni at the time lol. And then about five years later I got attacked by a swarm of wasps and was covered with stings, and the rash never went away again. So obviously this screams autoimmune issue, but doctors told me I probably had bedbegs (made no sense bc I slept with a partner who was unaffected, and had moved three times, but I cleaned every piece of fabric I owned anyways and it didn’t help,) that it would probably just go away bc my labs were normal (sure, that’s why it lasted for a decade,) and my fav, that I must just be scratching myself bc I have anxiety (lol.)

Anyways, I’d sort of given up on figuring out what was going on, and I’d never seen a pic that looked quite like my rash, until I got my fibro diagnosis. The doctor told me that my kind of rash was not uncommon, and when I googled it I saw pics that looked exactly like me. It was so validating.

But double ANYWAYS, over the years I developed a lot of skincare strategies to help with the situation since doctors wouldn’t. I see a ton of incorrect info/bad advice online about skincare, and specifically rash care. So idk how to get the word out about any of this lol, but if you’re reading this, and you have a weird rash caused by fibromyalgia, this is what worked for me after years of trial and error!

I’m organizing my routine into stages depending on how bad your rash is flaring up at the time, but when you’re ready to move onto the products and tools of a new phase, keep doing everything you were already doing as maintenance.

When the rash is really bad:

Bioderma atoderm cleansing oil ($$): this is a very gentle cleanser that’s PH balanced, very non-irritating if you have sensitive skin, even if it’s flaring up. Won’t cause additional flare ups.

Scrubby bath puff ($): everything online will tell you not to exfoliate if you have a rash, but that’s terrible advice!! Exfoliation is the only way to remove dead, damaged skin cells and encourage circulation and new skin cell growth!! You just need to be careful and use common sense. Put the cleansing oil on a little puff and use that, your hands aren’t good enough alone. You don’t need to press hard, just go in gentle little circles from your ankles up, wrists in, always towards your heart.

Bioderma atoderm intensive baume ($$): this is the body cream that goes with the oil cleanser, make sure it’s the intensive baume and not just the regular cream. Fixing and maintaining your moisture barrier is key! Use this twice a day: morning and night, or make one of those after you get out of the shower if you showered that day.

Polysporin gel ($): or neosporin or whatever antibiotic gel is available in your area, gel is my personal preference, I feel like it absorbs better. Use this on any open sores so they don’t get infected and heal faster.

When the rash starts healing a bit:

Frank Body original coffee scrub ($): once you have fewer open sores, using this to exfoliate once or twice a week will speed up the healing process sooo much. If it hurts to use, you’re not ready for it yet. It should feel soothing. Don’t overdo it though even if it feels good, twice a week max.

Shaving ($): obviously you don’t need to shave if you don’t want to, but shaving your legs, dermablading your arms, etc is another great way to exfoliate a layer of dead skin cells. It also allows products like the intensive baume to penetrate more easily and deeper into your skin since there’s not a layer of hair in the way. Once every week or two is plenty, shave around open sores and don’t do it if it hurts. You can use the cleansing oil to shave with in the shower.

Retinol ($-$$$): I like the one from the inkey because it’s $ and effective. Mix this in with the baume once a week and it will significantly improve your skin texture. Pointless to do this though if your rash is still active bc you’ll just get more spots, but once you’re on a healing trend it’ll help the process a lot.

Body massager ($-$$): I have a plastic one from Sephora. This is the one thing on this list that might be mostly in my head, but it feels really nice so that counts for something in itself. It’s supposed to help with circulation and lymph drainage, and if you use it after your other products it helps them absorb into your skin. Relaxing to do before bed.

When you’re mostly healed/trying to maintain, and also lessen the appearance of scars:

Dry brush ($): omg I love dry brushing so much. If your skin is mostly healed, this will drastically reduce the appearance of scars. Don’t press hard! Do the same as with the cleansing oil: sweep up from your ankles, in from your wrists, always towards your heart, with a lil swirl at your joints and lymph nodes. Start with once a week, gradually go to twice, eventually you can do it once a day but not until you’ve worked your way up to it. If you do it too intensely or too often it can backfire; I’ve had it aggravate certain areas, including scar tissue. But if you’re gentle with yourself it feels great and really encourages circulation, lymph draining, and new skin cell growth. Best done on totally dry skin before you get in the shower. Game changer.

Faded Topicals brightening and clearing mist ($$): this is a great chemical exfoliant. Topicals is a great Black-owned brand that uses really good ingredients. I find that any product designed for melanated skin is the absolute best for dealing with any kind of hyperpigmentation, including scars. Use this once a week, after the shower, and let it dry before putting on the baume; it helps over time. Only downside is that the packaging kinda sucks and starts leaking eventually, so hopefully they fix that bc it works really well.

Obviously if you have a chronic illness like fibromyalgia, the causes of your skin issues are internal, so make sure you’re also getting the right nutrients and keeping up with your stretching/exercise routine as best you can. There’s only a limited amount you can do with external interventions, so don’t get frustrated, and don’t feel like you’re doing anything wrong! You’re not wrong and you’re not crazy, you know your body. Remember that having a routine at all is good for your brain, which is good for your stress levels, which is also progress. You’re doing a good job by controlling the parts that you can control; that’s all you can do, and it’s more than enough :)

[evenstevensranked]

#27: Season 2, Episode 1 - “Starstruck”

Ruby desperately wants to win a radio contest to sit in on boyband BBMak’s recording session. Meanwhile, Louis finds an incredibly lucky penny and milks it for all it’s worth.

Wow, guys! Season 2 opens with the BBMak/Lucky Penny/Louis gets a makeover and looks smokin’ hot and Ruby develops a crush on him and I'm like "girl, same" episode!!! Let’s do this.

Alright, so within the first minute of this episode we learn that Ruby is absolutely obsessed with BBMak (a boyband that actually existed and is now unfortunately so irrelevant that some younger viewers of today assume they're a fictional band) and she’s trying to win a contest to go to their recording session when they come to Sacramento. She’s been listening to the radio on her pink, cheetah print walkman for hours on end trying to make sure she’s the lucky caller. Ren is concerned that her intense devotion may not be healthy.. but, Ruby insists she’s not obsessed with them. Her bedroom and behavior says otherwise: 

At school the next day, Louis ends up finding a lucky penny which leads him to experience the best few days in a row ever. It kicks off with him narrowly escaping death and his big history test being canceled due to their teacher’s monkey having babies. The usual. If you binge watch the show, like I’ve done more times than I care to admit, the first few seconds of this scene are shocking because Louis' voice is obviously deeper and he looks obviously older. Yet according to Disney logic we're supposed to believe he's still in 7th grade, lol nah. Maybe at least the second half of 7th grade... We've gone over this before.

Louis seconds away from potentially dying over a penny.

Like I've mentioned, Disney is notoriously bad at airing episodes out of order. So here, we get an episode featuring Ren’s old friend Nelson. The only issue is that this aired 6 episodes before Thin Ice, which is Nelson’s formal introduction. The only explanation I can think of for this is that the Disney execs thought the BBMak thing would make a stronger season opener and switched up the airing order after they were already shot sequentially. I guess they assumed, or hoped, no one would notice or care that there's a new character we've never seen before just chilling with the gang like BFFs lol. According to Wiki at least, Season 2 was aired horrifically out of order when you compare the production code to the number it aired in the season. Like, WOW. For example, this episode was shot as Episode 13. I think that says it all.

No wonder Louis seems so jarringly older in this episode. He’s totally younger in the episodes that were supposed to air during the front half of S2.

Anyway, both Ren and Nelson are concerned about Ruby’s wellbeing now. She has practically turned into a fanatic zombie. They approach her and she says “I haven’t slept. I haven’t eaten. Do you really think I wanna chat?” completely zoned out of her mind. Yeah, I’d be worried too. We also see that she’s not doing her schoolwork either. Her entire binder is full of BBMak, including this rather disturbing pop-up: 

Continuing his string of good luck, Louis gets to eat Principal Wexler’s extravagant birthday lunch for whatever reason and ends up winning a free fashion makeover courtesy of "Fruity Fruit Cocktail." ....ok. Tawny starts to get freaked out and Twitty simply says "I'm starting not to like you" which is understandable, because Louis is quickly slipping into another arrogant phase due to all of the luck he's been having.

Ren and Nelson give Ruby an intervention to stop her ridiculous obsession with BBMak and wanting to marry one of them. Why is this something that never goes out of relevancy? This is still happening today. It’s perhaps more relevant than ever with the rise of internet fandoms and socials like Tumblr. Teens are literally spiraling into genuine insanity over bands like never before. As long as there are teen idols, there will be teen idol fanatics. Can’t really go wrong with a plot-line like this. Ren tells her "You deserve a real life person who's gonna be perfect for you" - Ruby agrees and decides to turn over a new leaf.

The new and improved made-over Louis comes waltzing in, and just like that Ruby replaces her BBMak obsession with a Louis obsession. She’s just blown away by his beauty. Same, tbh. Y’all already know that I HAD THE BIGGEST CRUSH AND THIS EPISODE KILLED ME!!!! Now that I think about it, this very well might've been the episode that solidified my everlasting fondness for Shia LaBeouf.

This isn’t even overdramatic. Ruby is so me. 

Even Ren and Nelson tell Louis that he looks stunning! Well, “stunning” was Louis’ word, not theirs. They just agreed with his conceitedness, lol. Suddenly a bird comes flying into the house and lands on Louis’ shoulder. Of course, it happens to be Pecky -- a missing bird with a $50 reward. OF COURSE!

The next day, Ruby happily tells Ren that she has officially moved on from BBMak. There’s a new guy in her life! Ren is so excited until Ruby reveals the new object of her affection to her: 

Um, is this my room circa 2001 or Ruby’s? I honestly can’t tell. Also I would so buy that big’ol poster of Shia on her closet door. That thing has made a few appearances throughout the series. It’s kind of iconic looking, don’t you think? Maybe that’s just me... 

Just thought I’d mention: Ren asks her “How did you get these pictures?!” and Ruby explains “I downloaded them from the internet. Louis has a very interesting website.” Do I even want to know? Aside from the implied potentially disturbing content, part of me wishes Disney had some sort of interactive fake louisstevens.com website or something like Nickelodeon did with amandaplease.com! 

Tawny insists that Louis' lucky streak is nothing but “admittedly weird coincidences,” until Louis calls in to win the huge BBMak contest and......... wins. I love how he acts so blasé about it. The DJ is so excited and Louis is all "Eh.. What can I say? This whole charmed life thing is getting kinda old." Also, the DJ in this scene, who appears two more times in the series, was one of the many actors recycled for That’s So Raven. He played a news reporter on that show. Similar field. Huh. 

Ren believes that Ruby is simply rebounding with Louis and decides to show her his nasty bedroom to make her realize she doesn't actually like him. Ren also tells Ruby that he’s rotten and selfish, which... Is kinda true sometimes, oops. But at the same time, that scene always makes me a little sad inside. Louis is a good guy at heart, Ren!!

Just then, Louis appears in the doorway asking "What are you doing in my room?" and we get this incredible exchange:

(credit)

Louis then proceeds to very unselfishly invite Ruby to the BBMak recording session which only reinforces her crush on him. 

Okay. We finally make it to this darn recording session! Thank god. Louis might as well’ve brought his entire extended family because he brought four freaking people along with him like it’s some free for all. You usually don’t push your luck when you’re gifted something like that... but, oh yeah. Lucky penny. I freaking love this bit where Ren whispers to Ruby “Woo! He’s gorgeous...” referring to Christian from BBMak, and Ruby says “I know.......” in reference to Louis! LOL. 

Ren is so disgusted and once again Ruby is me.

Shia has been gorgeous in my eyes for nearly my entire life!!!!!!!!! Apparently I'm weird because I've seen so many memes about him that say things like "He was that ugly, weird kid on Even Stevens and then he magically became good looking" I'm just sitting here like??? Y'all are about 14 years late to the party.

Louis and Twitty get distracted by a table with free cheese on it, which honestly is the best part of any and every function or gathering. Not even gonna lie. While hanging around the cheese table, Twitty decides to seize the opportunity and give BBMak an Alan Twitty Project demo tape of “Sacramento Girl.” (YESSSSS!) They lie and say they’ll check it out — but immediately stuff it under a block of cheese. As a musician, I can confirm that this is too real. It’s impossible to get successful/established artists to take you seriously. I met Fall Out Boy at a local radio junket once and slipped Pete Wentz a demo. I never heard anything, sooo... It stings to know that he most likely hid it under some cheese the second I left. 

BBMak are looking for a ‘Sacramento sound’ (whatever that is) and encourage Louis to play some tambourine on their track! They tell him “If this works out, you could come on tour with us!” If only it was that easy to land a national gig in real life. Ruby mentions in passing that she needs to tell Louis how she feels, and TAWNY IS NOT HAVIN’ IT! Omg. She kinda gets jealous of Ruby’s crush and they start a small argument over him. Ren cannot believe what she's witnessing and I love it. Also, Christy looks fantastic here? Whoever did her hair and makeup: Good job!! wow!

Unfortunately, Ruby’s attraction to him is short-lived and comes to a screeching halt the second Louis loses his penny during his tambo solo, jumping around like a lunatic with no rhythm. (Again, HOW does he become a drummer later on? It’s a mystery.) It’s very subtle, but you can tell once Ruby starts finding Louis "odd and annoying," that Tawny is secretly happy about it and still obviously likes him unconditionally even though he's literally insane. Same, Tawny.

So, yeah. Louis loses his penny and his luck runs out. BBMak basically kick him out of the studio. I love how Louis asks them “What about the record and the touring?! What about BBMak-Stevens?!” as if the conversation ever went that far. It’s great. I might’ve spoke too soon about Shia being gorgeous because the faces he makes when he realizes the penny is missing from his pocket are the furthest thing from the adjective: 

It is hysterical, however. And that outweighs everything else here, so.

This episode ends on an AMAZING note: A super cringy music video for “Sacramento Girl”! What more could you ask for?!?! We get some Twitty-Stevens Connection action here and it’s something to behold. 😂  Be on the lookout for Shia doing his classic “shirt-over-the-head” thing he does, HAHA. You can tell some of the vocals were done by middle-aged men (probably Jim Wise) which makes it even more hilarious. My favorite lyric has got to be the Grammy award worthy: “Before I met the girl I had it made... Now she scores higher than the whole arcade. YEAH!” And of course, the episodes’ immortal last words "TAKE THAT, BBMAK!!!!" will go down in history.  

That’s it! I honestly don’t even know why I’m ranking this one “lower.” It’s probably one of my personal favorites but.. Idk man. There are simply other episodes that I like more, lol. This is a totally solid episode though! Super memorable, pretty strong humor (including music-related humor... which you know I love!), and two awesome plot-lines that blend really well! But, even with all of that.. something felt slightly flat about it when re-watching. It could possibly just be from me watching these episodes waaay too much, tbh. It also probably has something to do with it being a “special” episode with guest stars and whatnot. Episodes like that tend to feel like totally separate things to me. 

At this point, we’ve officially reached the REALLY REALLY GOOD part of the list, though. So I don’t feel too bad about placing it here. There are no “bad” episodes from here on out. Well, there are no bad episodes of Even Stevens in general really. But.. you guys know what I mean.

I’m probably gonna regret and rethink this entire list once I finish it anyway so, lol. 

Thanks for reading! 

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[diaryofanormalkid]

So many ppl at work have crushes on me and I’m picking up on it all... 😩🙄

Coworker 1 (let’s just call it beef tings?)

My coworker who I originally had beef with... I’m pretty sure he is attracted to me. Bc he acts so different around me now. Like before, we NEVER talked (but it was his fault).

I was always super civil and casual, would be respectful and try to say hi, but he’d always swerve me off or like pretend he didn’t hear me or ignore me.

I was convinced for the longest time he was deaf/hard of hearing. So then I started becoming louder and waving at him, but even then sometimes it was a lost cause.

But we very sloooowly started becoming more comfortable around each other and forming ways to say hi to each other swiftly but without it being awkward.

And I was honestly over trying to build any form or relationship with him at all, I gave him so many chances, over and over, and just decided one day I’m gonna leave it alone.

He had to know, I was civil/willing to be nice. So it wasn’t like I was the one who had the problem, I always tried to make convo etc. He was the standoff-ish one in this case.

But now... it’s sooo opposite. And it’s all because we started playing this tagging game at work. I already briefly told y’all about it before, but essentially it’s like tag.

And every time it’s him and I there at work, he tries to make any excuse to come close to me or touch me. I’m telling you, this game has become the root of alll our convos lately.

Like it’s been going on for months, this one game of cheese touch. And the times he’s it, it’s like he intentionally tries to tag me and no one else. He acts so different than how he did before.

So when he’s in my personal space, I get so alert and cautious bc IK it’s the most likely the game he’s playing. But it’s the times when he doesn’t have it and still lingers near me 🤔

Like what is he on? How come he does that? I’ll always ask him, “why are you acting so weird? You’re too close.” In a joking manner even though I 100% mean the words I say.

He’s really tripping though, bc before, he wouldn’t be caught DEAD doing any of this to me. And now he’s even maintaining eye contact for LONG periods of time... it’s so crazy.

Okay so confession. I’ve made plenty of other posts about this coworker before, however many of them just say different titles bc I’ve gone through the MOTIONS with this kid.

He’s been called the manager’s kid on here, my lazy coworkers, but most embarrassingly, I even once called him: my cute coworker. Once upon a time though 🙄

That was when I was new and had no idea how weird this kid was gonna act the whole time I’ve been working here. So cut me some slack, cute/attractive does not mean bf material. AT ALL.

Hear me out though, he IS pretty easy on the eyes. But like, that’s about it. I’m not into him at all. He’s just starting to get me nervous bc it seems like he’s showing signs he likes me??

And I always doubt myself and say maybe I’m just overthinking it and reading in too much on all his body language and actions/energy. Or maybe he is with me?!?!

Because I’ve always been nice, and I’ve always been nice to him, but idk if he’s just now finally realizing that and is now on the receiving end because he finally talks to me?

Either way, I don’t know how I feel about it. My mom always suspected before that maybe he never spoke to me bc he was attracted to me, in which I would immediately respond “nah.”

But now it’s starting to feel like she was right... but i don’t want to think too much about it, it’s not that serious. But also, it bothers me bc I am attracted to him, just not further.

Now it’s like because we both actually hold eye contact, it’s intense bc I am attracted and I don’t people to pick up on that energy from me. The way he looked at me today...

There were actually plenty of looks today. And sometimes I can’t help myself from smiling/blushing. The only reason I can claim it’s a smile is because I’m black...

But otherwise, it’s hard for me to mask my attraction with this sudden reciprocation of him interacting with me. The thing that keeps me grounded is his personality tbh.

Because he’s lazy, inconsiderate, entitled, selfish, probably vain. So it’s a good balance for me, it keeps me focused on NOT letting looks get the better of me.

Speaking of though. He has recently been getting haircuts so much more frequently, and he put in earrings and I didn’t even know he had his ears pierced?!

One of the times I remember he was wearing HEAVY cologne (ngl it smelt good) and mind you, it’s a scent-free Hospital, so I really wanted to ask WHO are you trying to impress?

Bc it couldn’t be me! That day, I just remember how obnoxious he was. He kept walking by, SUPER close to me. As if he expected me to comment on his scent or something 😩💀

Since I knew what he was doing, I definitely was not going to do that. Also, another day, actually two times before he’s done this, he would just come in to work on his days off????!

And I’m like, “okay you seriously don’t have anything better to do but come into work? For what? For WHO?” Like when I asked why he’s here both times, he said “to get food.”

And I’m like????? To get food my ass! He could’ve gone ANYWHERE to get food if he didn’t have it at home and yet he stopped by the cafetaria to eat trashy food 🤔👀

So yeah that was hella sus to me. But idk, lately he’s just been looking hella fine and 😭 it makes me wanna vomit bc this is so uncharacteristic of me to be talking about him like this.

He doesn’t deserve all of my words tbh. It’s just I’m so into the glow up recently. Every time I see him now, he looks too good. Like yesterday for example.

First of all, when he came in the cafetaria he kinda sorta just popped in out of nowhere and he seriously scared me, specifically because I think he had the cheese touch yesterday.

So I jumped up and was like “you scared me!” With my eyes bulging, holding my chest. And then I asked him “why are you here?” And began to cross my fingers so I was immune from the cheese touch.

He began to mumble, as he always does, so I definitely didn’t catch any of what he said except for “my dad...” but eventually I was able to see for myself why he was here.

He came to fill the vending machines. So he came, but he was out of uniform. And that was probably the first time I’d seen him in clothes aside from uniform or sweats in... ever 🤔

So I was taken aback and digging it. Like I def was feeling the look, I was disgusted with myself bc he doesn’t deserve that attention from me, but on here I’ll be honest at least 🙄

Anyways so our interactions were very... idk. Like he seemed like he was TRYING to get some sort of reaction out of me coming in here like that. And I wasn’t having it.

So I didn’t give him one. LOL. But when he was almost done filling the vending machine, he asked my coworker first if she wanted anything and gave it to her.

Then he asked me if I wanted anything, and I said no! Looool. Like very intentionally said no. Even though I could’ve had whatever I wanted before he closed it.

Like I just don’t want him to get ANY ideas or give him any reason to believe I like him, so I just said no. He showed the tiniest hint of... what rejection?

Good. But in so many moments when I catch him saying my name, I like half wanna melt, half wanna cringe bc it’s so weird to hear from his mouth.

And especially like with our past, it’s too weird for me to hear him say my name without me thinking anything of it bc now I’m like “that must’ve been intentional 👀”

Like what is he doing? Idk I am just calculating everything, and all the signs put together tell me that he likes me 🤷🏿‍♀️ he can deny it/say otherwise, but it just feels true.

So obvs for a large part of me, that doesn’t sit right. I’ve been mistreated by him and his family so many times. I’ve also, had SOME nice things done by them...

But he doesn’t deserve that kind of attention from me, as well as he’s not a fit for me anyways and he should know better, I’m not a fit for him either.

However, a small part of me kinda melts at the fact that he might like me. And is also, hella confused bc I don’t know many redeeming qualities that I have to make him like me?

Well I do, but I wouldn’t think those would be things HE would find attractive/make him like me, which I why I find it hard to believe that my mom’s theory of him liking me might be true?

Anyways, when you have low self esteem for a long time and are just now finding self confidence, it’s a little bit tricky when you realize ppl actually DO like you.

But there, that’s the tea that’s been going on at work with HIM. There’s much more but for fear of making this post any longer, ima just wrap it up here 🙄 I’m annoying gosh.

Idk if that’s the case here, or if it’s just unbelievable coming from the past we had that he could ever like me in that way. Maybe find me attractive? But even that’s hard to believe.

[thefudge]

Hi :) I was wondering which are your book OTPs.

so you mean my literary otps?

get. ready.

1. SO. since you started me down this path, there is a little known book by barbara pym called excellent women, about this spinster-in-the-making young woman (called mildred) in england’s 1950s who becomes friends with her downstairs neighbors and develops an innocent crush on the husband of the family. now, that’s not the otp. oh, no. see, the neighbors have this anthropologist friend that is this haughty impatient dude who sneers at everything and seems perennially vexed (he’s not really proud, he’s just super particular and doesn’t have patience for artifice and good manners). IN COMES our protagonist who just doesn’t really know what to do with him. they just sort of accidentally spend time together and they have this amazing dynamic that i’ve looked for in other otps but haven’t found since. basically it’s this fascinating ease they have with each other and this natural grouchiness they share; he doesn’t treat her as a “woman” per se, but as a human being, whom he questions and challenges. he doesn’t put her on a pedestal and he doesn’t really love her for any special quality, it’s so fucking charming and effortless. there is this JEWEL of a scene where he awkwardly invites her over for dinner, and mildred thinks he’s your average asshole bachelor trying to get a free meal out of her (basically, having her over to cook for him) so she rejects him. she eventually does come over and when she acts surprised she doesn’t need to cook for him, he’s SO outraged like “wtf cook for me??? no thank u??? that’s not why you’re here grl”. it is PERFECT. i may be super subjective, tho, but these two owned me and still do. oh also, the dude’s name is EVERARD. it truly is perfect. so yeah, mildred/everard 5ever. 

2. elizabeth/darcy is a given, but i will like to say that from austen’s plethora of delightful ships, my angst-sucker-punch will forever be fanny price/henry crawford from mansfield park. yeah yeah, fanny ends up with dreaded cousin edmund for…sigh, good reasons i guess. like, it’s probably just my weird hang-up and perhaps austen thought this ship was too much “reformed rake” for her taste but maaan, when this tiny ship sailed, it sailed (i’m also always a sucker for playa dude plays himself with feelings)

3. here i go with my obscure shit again, but this novel from amelie nothomb. it can be translated as “the sparrow’s diary”, and it’s such a weird otp, because this dude is hired to assassinate a whole family, from what i remember, and he goes through with it, but he discovers the diary of the teenage girl and keeps it for some reason. and he falls for her, post-death. it’s messed up and amazing. and i won’t spoil the ending, but whoa. yeah, so assassin/sparrow. my jam. 

4. eliza doolittle/henry higgins. grouchy marrieds seems to be a theme. i love how unsentimental this ship is, when you get down to it.

5. beatrice/benedick from much ado about nothing. def see a pattern here.

6. phaedra/hippolytus. yes, the original mother/stepson ship yall. euripides was my guy. also, here’s a delightful pic from one of the stage adaptations

6. eve/the literal devil in paradise lost. the original sinful otp. i remember milton writing about lucifer pining over eve and her coolness. the BEST. 

7. robin/cormoran strike from the cormoran strike series by jk rowling. THESE TWO, lord oh mighty, you know, i do have harry potter ships aplenty, but rowling never ever managed to kill me with feels UNTIL ROBIN AND CORMORAN. fuck me. they are the exact mixture of banter/tough-love i adore so much. and what should be obvious from this entire list is that i love it when the gents treat the ladies like fully formed, complex human beings.

8. amy/nick from gone girl. one day i will wrote a whole “post” on my theory that gillian flynn actually wrote the truest romance ever with these two. yes, also great commentary on the patriarchy and the capitalist twist on marriage etc. BUT deep down, this is a story of two people who come to really, finally see each other for the first time. and what they find is that, paradoxically, they match really fucking well. U HEARD IT HERE FIRST FOLKS. nick doesn’t just stay with her at the end because he’s “trapped”. it’s a larger metaphor for me. he’s trapped because no one will ever know his soul like amy, and vice versa. it’s only after you’ve shat on each other forever that you can come out of it remade. FIGHT ME. (my second secret theory about gone girl it’s that wuthering heights with reversed genders and a sordid, amazing HEA for cathy(nick)/heathcliff(amy).

9. iago/othello - i would argue iago’s deep loathing was desire, mixed with a desperate need to subjugate othello.

10. onegin/tatiana. yall. YALL. if you have never read “evgheni oneghin” by pushkin, remedy this mistake immediately. it’s a tragicomic lyrical novel about a young dandy who is doomed to ignore love when it is presented to him. but it’s also great, trope-wise. basically, he meets this young woman, tatiana, whom he finds pretty but simple and too romantic. she falls for him and tells him earnestly she wants to be together. this takes place circa early 19th century in russia. he rejects her. skip to 10 years later, she’s married to some important dude, he’s still embittered asshole, but he meets her again and falls for her. the roles are reversed, however.  BOOM. weep on that. 

11. lestat/louis/claudia for my anne rice fans. what a trash fam.

12. alice munro has a short story called “passion” which forever owns my soul. in it, this young, kind of naive girl goes on a drive with her boyfriend’s brother and well, it’s the best thing ever. the saddest, too. basically, those two. 

13. clara kalliam/ vincen coe. okay, yall, you may have no idea who these folks are but hooo boy, did they ruin me. so daniel abraham has this fantasy series called the dagger and the coin. basically, clara is part of the upper class society and is married to a baron. vincen is her husband’s servant. he is several years younger. their bond can never be. enter lots of angst and yearning and hot chemistry. what’s hilarious/painful about this ship is that clara is a lot like catelyn stark and vincen is a lot like jon snow, soooo if you ever thought that would be an interesting pairing, you’re welcome (i should say, they’re hardly the main focus/main ship of the series but they do play an important part and they’re my bbies)

14. there’s this book by yukio mishima called “spring snow”, it’s part of a bigger trilogy of his on love. but anyway, the two lovers in that book are sooo fucking intense i die every time. he wants to hate her, but ends up worshipping her. she’s engaged to a prince, ofc. it’s hopeless. the aaaangst. (in later novels, there’s a great queer subtext involving reincarnation and two male friends, but! those two crazy kids).i had to look up their names again, but they’re called kiyoaki & satoko.

15. dunya/svidrigailov - sooooo. these two are from crime and punishment, by dostoyevsky. basically, it’s a petyr/sansa ship that goes there. there’s a scene where she threatens him with a gun and it’s the hottest thing ever. he’s kiiind of obsessed with her but she’s also drawn to him. it’s weird and tragic and hopeless, in the end, but sooo good.

16. pretextat/nina - another amelie nothomb novel, this one called “hygiene de l’assassin”. so, you have this author dude who is scum of the earth. erudite and refined but absolute piece of fucking shit. enter girl who read all his work and wants to interview him. she thinks she’s uncovered the fact that he murdered someone in his past. pretextat falls in love with her in the course of one conversation. at one point i remember there’s a scene where she spits on him. it’s the fucking best. 

i think i’ve got many more, but just to give you a taste of my diverse literary menagerie lol. (jane/rochester should probs be there too but i decided to go with lesser known, more personal choices).

[londonspirit]

One Last Time...

... for this year, that is! (Hopefully they sort their Brexit shit out soon, otherwise I have no clue when I can be back!) 

Anyhow, this trip was wonderful, mad and all around fantastic! (the usual then! *grins*) 

Flew over with my friend S., and naturally we had a one hour delay to start our vacation (we do have a bad travel karma, me thinks, not the first time). And sadly that was the reason I (again) didn’t managed to meet up with my L, cause she only had about an hour between engagements, and that was exactly the hour our flight was late. (Here’s hope we’ll manage another meet-up soon’ish before she goes back to the States, it’s been too long and I really miss her!) 

Upon arrival it was raining! Boo! But after dropping off our luggage and finding us dinner, we didn’t want to go to bed (afternoon flight there, evening arrival) so we decided to have a quick wander around. It had stopped raining which was perfect for a nightly walk.  Wow, even wet London is beautiful, and even more so at night. Streets were mostly empty (not empty enough to be scary tho) and we took much longer than expected.  Stumbled across filming by the side of the river - there were a few people in safety vests and we were already wondering when one approached us. He told us they were filming in a side alley, and not to worry, we could just walk past but shouldn’t stop. Of course we walked very slowly but we didn’t see much or anyone we knew. It was pretty dark, and all we say was a huge projection into the air. *shrugs* Still curious as to what was filmed there (we went there on the last day but no signs at all).  We were in bed way past midnight... (my usual London bed time!) 

Monday was HAMILTON DAY! But in the evening - we had the whole morning and early afternoon to explore some more!  So we went to Greenwich - by BOAT!! That was soo cool. I’ve taken one of the boats two years ago with Sis but only for a few stops, this time we went all the way. And even thought it’s not cheap (Oyster card does make it a bit cheaper tho), it’s totally worth it - the view from the water is amazing! And since the weather was still not very tourist friendly, we had the entire back to ourselves.  I can def recommend it - you see so much from that side. Plus, it’s quick, we were in Greenwich within 15 minutes!  Found coffee and walked up that hill to the observatory! The view was foggy but still amazing. And since the coffee didn’t want to go back to the city with us, we wandered inside to find a loo.  Did you know that you can go inside and check out a few of the rooms without having to pay? Cause I did NOT! And boy, is it cool inside. Loads to see, and touch, and just perfect for a grey and misty day. We spent 3 hours or so in there, bought souvenirs, checked out the old telescope inside, climbed small stairs, looked at all the time measure methods humanity had invented over the centuries, and had a great time!  After that we returned to the hostel to get ready for the evening. 

The smile on my face when I saw the Victoria Palace Theatre again was HUGE! I fucking LOVE this place soo much!!! Especially when it’s all lit in the dark!  Getting inside was just as smooth as ever! (And this time we even saw the dog, didn’t meet it tho as we arrived and were inside like 2 minutes later, despite a pretty long queue!)  Inside we walked around, looked at the Pretty all around and then we went to our seats. 

DUDE!!! I had booked a box back in January, but I had no idea that we would’ve had one all to ourselves. It’s just for TWO seats (not four as I expected), and it’s the coolest thing ever!  We got us drinks to pass the time (you can only take so many pics of that beautiful stage!), and once again the staff showed why they deserved all the praise! I got us two bottles of cider but since bottles aren’t allowed inside, two of the ushers made sure to fill it all into plastic cups! And when it all didn’t fit into two cups, they held the doors for me to bring it to the box and when I returned for the rest, they were already waiting for me! Those people are the real heroes! And everything with a smile and the loveliest attitude!!! 

And when it finally was time, I might have made noises. Being this close (with nobody in front of you, or behind you for that matter), being able to lean forward and chairdance, is the best thing ever!!! 

I was a bit sad that we didn’t get Obi or Jason, but Gabriel and Waylon did so well, it didn’t last long.  And boy, Mondays are an amazing day to go and see it! Every single soul on that stage was on FIRE!!! (Not sure whether that’s because they have the Sunday to recharge, or because some will have their last performances in the next weeks, but it was WORTH going  on a Monday!) 

I had booked that because I wanted to see Ash, as people kept raving about him (and I had seen Jam twice now). He did NOT disappoint.  His performance differs so much from Jam’s; not in a bad way, no. But he’s so into it, so ... THERE?! More intense?! Can’t really describe it. He’s fantastic. And being this close, seeing all those expressions, the cheek, the sass, the sadness, made this time so much better than the last two times.  Ash is incredible and sooo worth seeing! (although I missed the height difference between Jam and Rachelle, Ash is her height.) 

I was very happy that we got Giles, cause I’ve fallen fast and hard for his Burr!!! He’s put such a different twist on him, and once you got used to him, he IS Burr. What I love is that you can see all those little physical actions, he’s doing a lot with his body, and also with his face. Small things you miss when you’re further away. A raised eyebrow, a bitten lip, a suppressed grin. GOD, I will miss him soo much!!! There are times when I wanted to hug him and then there were times when I wanted to slap him. He’s such a great actor, and I will fight anyone who says differently!!!!! 

As for the rest of the cast, they were brilliant as usual; even though I really had the feeling everyone was giving even more than the 500% they already do!! SO DAMN AMAZING!!!  There was a big cheer for “Alexander Hamilton” in the beginning (as it should be), but weirdly NOTHING at the “Immigrants” line!!! O_O That shocked me a bit! I’ve been three times now, and I’ve had a different reactions every damn time! So weird!  Yorktown got an in between applause which I never seen/heard! Was very nice.  The King got all the laughs, naturally.  What else?  Oh, so Tarinn and Cleve are basically themselves in costumes on stage: they kept goofing around and grinning like idiots at themselves, which was adorable.  And I now know why people are shipping Laurens and Ham - the gazing loving at each other was INSANE!! *lol*  Rachel is madly talented but that you already know. That woman’s voice, her acting - GEEZ!! HOW?? So soo good!!!  Christine... god, that voice! Melted chocolate, poured over warm coals, making one feel all warm and fuzzy (and very sinful)  inside. GUH!!  Also: the ensemble blew me away, the perfection they put on that stage (night after night) is MAD!! I found myself watching them more and more, wondering how the human body is capable of the things they do and make it look easy as breathing!! WOW!!! 

It was over way too soon, and I even cried in the end. I have no idea where that came from but Rachelle really made me tear up during the last song. Never had that before. (And she’s the only one I’m still not fully convinced with; she’s good but this is NOT the perfect role for her)  So yeah, I did my final applause in tears!!! 

We stuck around towards the very end, and for the very first time, they let down the safety curtain!!! O_O (They did in the interval as well for a moment). 

And then it was stage door time. It’s all well organized and sorted, and we queued up and waited. It wasn’t cold so that wasn’t too bad. Didn’t take long for the first to come out. I didn’t want anything signed, only asked for pics which seemed fine with them all. Although they were all well prepared with sharpies! Kelly is TINY, and so very sweet, and sadly the only one of the girls who came out :-(  Waylon was a bit shy, but also very nice. Gabriel was dressed for artic temps which made me giggle.  Tarinn and Cleve are... well, Tarinn and Cleve! They’re always goofing around, being super sweet to everyone and really taking their time. Cleve enjoyed being the birthday boy, and wishing him a great one, got me a tight hug! Tarinn smells really good, by the way! *hehe*  At some point the security made an announcement. I think he said they were all gone, or nobody wouldn’t come out anymore; we could stay but at our own risk, or something like that. We were at the end of the queue and didn’t catch everything.  Since we didn’t have anywhere to go, we stayed. Which was the right thing to do!  First Giles came out, and that’s when I got a bit nervous! He’s so good, and I never managed to get a pic with him. He took his time, chatted to everyone and was all around the sweetest. Once he came to us, I told him how incredible he was and how much I loved the Muse Of Fire documentary he did ages ago. I think he blushed a bit ;-p When I asked for a pic, he pulled me real close and thanked ME afterwards!! O_O  Hach, he’s amazing!!  And then Ash came out as well (lots had left already so we were only a few people). And the silly man did NOT have a pen!  The ladies behind us asked if we had one. When I pulled out my assortment of sharpies (three: black, silver and bronze!) I ALWAYS have on me, they laughed so hard.  Hey, you can never be prepared enough - as that night taught us!!! Once again, we only asked for pics, and praised him, told him how fab he was, and that we booked a Monday just for him,, which made him laugh. “Heard of me, did ya?” he said, cheeky bugger. But yeah, we did. So we got another really tight pic - that cast is so touchy feely, I swear! I love them all to pieces!!! SO SWEET!  He chatted a bit before moving along.  We waited a bit longer but that was it so we reluctantly left towards ‘home’. (Once again, it was LATE!) 

The next morning we got up early to have one last walk around, and London was gracious and got out the sun and basically summer weather!  We didn’t want to leave but sadly we had to.  So long, my beautiful! See you next year - in February, for sure. After that... well, that depends on how you get your shit sorted!  Once more, a fantastic time was had, with the best company I could’ve wished for! Thank you, S, I know why I love traveling with you - here’s to our next time!!! 

[thestoryoftheleoandthelibra]

Let’s start from the beginning baby..

Starting with CORE and 6/7 Core Social

Getting into CORE:

                                                            Day 1

By this time I already had a crush on you lol. It was very innocent. We were asked who our CORE crush was and to avoid making it weird I said Holly. She was the safe option instead of letting everyone know I had a crush on our Director. When asked that question I looked around the room at the group and out of all the guys in there, no one could even come close to you. So damn handsome with such an attractive smile.

Getting to know you was a whole other thing. As a director you were my favorite. You were approachable, helpful, encouraging, and inspiring. Even though I thought you were cute I was in a relationship so my feelings toward you were strictly director to student. I feel like that’s a good thing because I truly got to know you as a director instead of seeing you as a crush or a potential love interest. It helped me grow to love you as a person/ friend. You always made me smile and feel safe even when I was flaming choreo or just waiting for practice to start.

At one point I told DJ you were my CORE crush and to no one’s surprise haha he said “Don’t tell that I told you but you are Ramils CORE crush!”! After smiling like crazy I said “WELL THE FEELING IS MUTUAL!!” I was sooo excited but also worried because now it was real lol you thought I was attractive too so after that I tried to just act like he didn’t tell me so that I wouldn’t make it weird haha

For a while it felt like you were avoiding me and that made me so sad but I figured you had your own stuff and maybe I was just use to seeing you and having you around. Yes it did suck but I understood.

                         :Fast forward a wee bit to 6/7 Core Social:

By now my crush on you is still innocent but I can’t help but feel like my heart races when I see you. Highlights being: you pouring me multiple shots but one specific one holds a place in my heart, you taking care of me after the incident and us talking on the balcony, and then us snapchatting after you had gone home.

                                           Highlight 1: The Shot

Now you already know which one I’m talking about lol

Let me explain what went through my head step by step.

Step 1: you locked eyes with me and I couldn’t stop smiling.

Step 2: I realized you are going to get me super drunk because how can I tell you no??

Step 3: Inevitably you asked me to take a knee and take the shot. And I said yes.

Step 4: the shot was poured and a bit of the alcohol spilled down my lip.

Step 5: you stopped pouring the shot and wiped away the bit that spilled and you touched my lip in the process then making drunk Bella go innnssaannneeee inwardly. Lmao My heart exploded and started beating so fast! I knew I had to keep it together until you left but it was so difficult!!! I ran to DJ and told him what happened and that my heart was beating out of my chest! That was the moment I knew I was in trouble.. for you to have this effect on me was no good haha

           Highlight 2: The only good thing to come of excessive Barcardi

After the Aaron incident. I was so scared. I didn’t want to talk to DJ and definitely couldn’t talk to Holly. The only person I truly wanted to talk to was you. I ran around looking for you and i was distraught, so much so that when I found you it felt like I could finally breathe again. I needed you to come with me right away. From there we went to the balcony and I told you everything. I felt like I wanted to cry but you lifted up my chin and said “hey look up Bella. Don’t look down.” And that was when my heart started to move toward yours. You didn’t just say that it would be okay, you made sure that I was fine and you cared to make sure I held my head up because it wasn’t my fault. That meant so much to me. I held so much guilt and regret in that moment and for you to take care of me like that meant so much.  

From there we really talked about everything. From us being each other’s CORE crushes, to dance, to family, and everything else. We connected.

Im still sorry I got you in trouble with Kelly in that moment. I didn’t mean to. The last thing I wanted was for you to be scolded because I was having a breakdown.

                                         Highlight 3: Toaster Strudel

After that we messaged through snapchat for most of the night. This was the night I got my toaster strudel nickname from you haha and you Facetimed DJ and I watched from behind because I was shy haha.

Bonus!

                                                 The 6 AM night!!

When I got your number after day 2 of the intensive and we started texting I knew this was bad news bears hahaha

Then on top of that the time went from midnight…to 2 AM… to 4 AM.. TO 6AM!!! I was exhausted… But I wanted to continue talking. I’d fall asleep for a bit and then wake up and text you again. It was clear to me that my feelings were developing for you no matter how hard I tried to reason with myself that maybe I was wrong.. maybe you just liked me as a friend and I was looking into this way to much.. from here we took off unexpectedly.. all at once.. full steam ahead..

[seleniumd]

random health stuff, just me typing it all out bc it seems to help. hopefully a few months from now this will all be a thing of the past. 

ok so i’ve been doing lots of research in hopes of figuring out what is wrong me. i’m not trying to self diagnose, but at least get an idea as i wait for a doctors appointment. plus, research is the only thing that seems to keep me from freaking out when i experience these things. i’ve been dealing with 2 main issues for at least 3 years now. 1) extreme fatigue after eating & 2) random heart palpitations.

as far as the fatigue after eating, it makes sense for it to be sugar related? I mean, i deal with it EVERYDAY. its the reason i dont eat out/at school etc etc. I only eat real meals at home because I know I’ll feel horrible afterward but I can at least drag myself to my bed and lay down. It’s much more than the typical ‘yum that was a good meal i want a nap’ no this is more like ‘hi leave me on the couch to die see yall later’ lol. it’s sooo bad and It’s always after eating, typically after my first meal. I wake up fine, go have breakfast and bam, i feel like crap.

so for breakfast, i just have a banana. i tend to be fine after that (explains my obsession with bananas. i can eat it and not feel like im dying) but if i were to have a sandwich later for lunch? #dead

it makes me feel like the only way ill get better is if i completely change my eating habits? i dont eat super unhealthy or anything, but at this point it seems like i wont be ok until i just eat fruits and veggies all the time. i’ve considered it being a sugar issue, like diabetes/hypoglycemia and such.

anyway, one solution ive thought of is exercise. i live a very sedentary lifestyle and thats horrible!! i’m extremely skinny but that doesnt mean i’m healthy, i need to get some cardio into my life.

and that brings me to my next issue. the heart palpitations. i’m afraid to work out and purposefully raise my heart rate because what if the palpitations begin? i can go from resting to my heart jumping up to the 140′s, so what would happen if i were working out and then it started? 

with the most recent incident i had come home from a long day at school. once again, i usually dont eat much when im out bc it leads to me feeling so fatigue and dead. all i ate at school was some candy and a bag of lays. when i got home i went to go share some dinner and someone in the house yelled something out which seemed to frighten me horribly bc my palpitations started instantly. instantly! and ive dealt with it for years now, i stopped going to the hospital for it. i usually just shake it off and walk around to try to ignore it. but this time it was bad. it just felt so weird. ngl, i did shed a few tears but its such a scary thing to go through. it sucked bc i had always just dealt with it but this time it was just so intense. i did go to the hospital bc it wasnt getting better and i was getting really anxious about it, which doesnt help my heart thats already beating through the roof. when i got there my blood pressure was super high, heart rate super high as well and my ekg did come back abnormal. my potassium level was really low. this genius hospital gave me potassium to raise it back up, but never took blood again to check to see if it had actually gone back up. it was so low you’d think they would keep an eye on it and make sure i dont die but ok. idek what caused me to have such low potassium. maybe because i hadn’t really eaten much that day? the abnormal ekg and low potassium are pretty significant, but no one ever looked into it seems and thats annoying. i’m over the hospital trips, im looking forward to finally seeing a doctor in an office who will really look into everything and help.

there’s been times after simple garden work or bike riding and i just feel crappy. ill take a shower afterword and experience a few heart skips etc etc. it’s scary and it makes me not want to do anything, but at the same time i feel like that makes it worse. the less i move is the more out of shape my heart gets.

as far as whats causing it, idk. i’ve had 2 echo’s done which come back good. thank god. my most recent EKG was abnormal though, but finally, after months, i have an appointment with a cardiologist coming up. this also makes me not want to exercise until then. i feel like i should play it safe and wait.

i’ve considered it being the vagus nerve and anxiety (which doesnt make much sense. yes i am an anxious person, but i never experience the palpitations when im actually nervous. it tends to happen when im completely chill and OK).

the doctor said it could be a wiring of the heart thing, so i should be seeing the electrophysiologist. 

so yeah. this post is probably long af but it doesn’t matter. i’ve been dealing with this stuff for years and its so frustrating. its not something i really sit down and vent about, so just typing it all up really distracts me from the situation and makes me feel ok. its getting even more frustrating bc im 18, in college and i have to turn down so many opportunities because im afraid of going out and having to deal with this. i cannot live my life until this stuff is resolved and im so excited to just figure it out. i just need to hear that im going to be just fine. if i could hear that, it’d be like starting over. i’d start getting active and not have to be scared and all that.

based on the good echos and the fact that i havent died yet i feel like it shouldnt be anything major. i just wanna get to the bottom of it.