#it's almost like... sports is based on... whose body is better suited to Doing Thing Good...

[kurooscopy]

imane khelif get behind me

[333sth]

dove. (frankie morales)

chapter i. previous.

pairing: frankie morales x ofc (’dove’) no use of y/n.

warnings: mention of ptsd/military service, language, violence, brief mention of torture/kidnapping, injury detail, fighting.

summary: frankie was going to propose, until dove found the ring and ghosted. even santi can’t track her down.

rating: mature. wc: 1.6k

next

Dove was a nickname coined by an old general during her training. He was a traditional man, though not disrespectful. It was a term of endearment that probably softened the influx of powerful women breaching into the male territory. He’d drawled, ‘I ought to call you Dove – I ain’t never seen a girl so swift, yet so fuckin’ lethal.’ She kept the boys in line too, he’d noted. When Benny got too reckless, or Tom’s temper ran away with him, she was the first to snap them out of it. In environments where peace was a very distant concept, she played the peacekeeper.

One time, during a two-month deployment in Nigeria, the group was shoved in the back of an ancient pick-up truck for six hours. Dove was wedged between Will and Frankie, sweltering in the humid air. The stale smell of sweat mixed with blood and diesel was permeating the air, and they were three hours from the nearest checkpoint. To pass the time, she asked them what they’d do if they weren’t special forces.

That was easy for Will – he’d be a teacher of some kind. Benny waffled about sports, making some brash comment about how he’s got to channel all his aggression somewhere. Tom and Santi couldn’t come up with anything that suited them more than the forces, which was not surprising. Frankie would still be a pilot somehow. Dove had never seen him more comfortable than in the pilot’s chair.

Dove dreamed of owning her own bar or café, somewhere relaxed and laid-back. A beach perhaps, somewhere quaint and peaceful, where the air is warm well into the late evening and the waves are gentle, collapsing onto the sand like white noise. She imagined the hum of conversation meeting tinkling music, beach lanterns dotted around the decking to cast an ambient glow beneath the stars. Maybe a chef on weekends could make bar snacks. Tom had snorted at that, throwing a jab about how she can burn the water they use to make their dried food sachets.

The men had recalled this conversation, desperately trying to fathom where Dove might have taken off to. It was met with an aching nostalgia for the type of teammate she was too. That conversation had been a tactic, a peaceful one, to prevent the terrible concoction of adrenaline, exhaustion and heat forming an argument in that truck. She was a natural tactician as well as a good friend.

Frankie had recounted each country they had been stationed and exactly how Dove had felt about them. She had loved Argentina, even when she got shot and Will spent three hours with his finger crammed in the wound to stop the bleeding. But she also liked Jamaica, Brazil and Hawaii. None of their contacts in the forces had any trace of her, not even Santi’s in South America. Her family were none the wiser – they brushed it off, her dad mumbling something about it sounding like her usual antics. 

All he had was a scribbled note that read, ‘I need space. I’m safe. I love you.’ It was folded neatly in his wallet, like he was carrying the last piece of her that he had. 

*

Mexico. That was where she was. A small town on the West coast that had enough life to keep her occupied, and the guarantee of anonymity.

If people asked, she was a retired nurse, which wasn’t entirely untrue. She told them she spent a lot of her career in humanitarian aid, to explain the occasional jitters on a rowdy Friday night and the nasty scars. There was a particularly gruesome one leading from the base of her throat up to her bottom lip from a knife fight. She told them it was shrapnel, flung from a collapsing building, and she was lucky it didn’t catch her jugular. The locals had gasped in awe at her heroism. She’d flinched against the memory of how her own knife buried into her attacker’s throat instead. 

A few days into her move, Dove had found what could only be considered a derelict shed on the beachfront. It was probably the remains of an old boathouse. With some help from the locals, she had restored the ageing planks of wood. What was spare formed the bar and some rustic furniture. She pieced together a jumble of second-hand bar stools, chairs and lanterns that made for an eclectic combination. It had character and history in its walls, rather than some swanky, expensive build devoid of any personality. It was exactly what she had dreamed of, huddled in hypothermic temperatures or insomniac in her cot at base, sleep beyond her reach.

It didn’t change the fact that every time she entered her bedroom, the old polaroid of Frankie pinned to the wall hits her like a ton of bricks. Frankie knows she took it – it was pinned to the fridge at their home before she left. It’s quintessential Frankie, sat with his arms folded to his chest, biceps straining slightly against an old denim shirt that was getting a little too snug post-retirement. It was at a barbecue, his skin tanned and flushed from a day in the sun drinking, tousled hair peeking out from the sides of a dog-eared cap. Every time Dove glances at it, she wonders if he still has that hat. 

‘Of course he has,’ the voice in her head snaps back. Any piece of clothing she’d suggest replacing would be countered with, ‘over my dead body’. The man was sentimental, a little too attached to his home comforts. She’d also bought it him in a seedy gift shop in the middle of nowhere as a joke. 

“To add some variety,” she’d said. He would never let it go now.

Once, Veronica had eyed the photograph on her mirror and asked, “Who is he then? An ex?”

Veronica, or Roni for short, had lived in the town her whole life until university. When she graduated and moved home to save money, she needed a job. Dove needed a friend, so she took her on as a bartender. She was young and giddy, but harmless. More importantly, she was too self-absorbed to notice or even care that her thirty-something year old boss had bullet holes in her back.

“Something like that.” Dove had replied, rifling through her sorry excuse for a makeup bag. She’d closed the bar early to have a rare night off in the next town over, which had considerably livelier nightlife. 

“You never talk about relationships. Or men.’ Roni observed, peering over Dove’s shoulder to eye another photograph. It was a group picture of the boys, huddled in the same fraying booth in their favourite bar back in Florida. “Looks like you were spoilt for choice.”

Dove scoffed, meeting her friend’s twinkling gaze in the mirror. “Shut your mouth. They were friends from work.”

“Were? Does that mean you can’t set me up now?” 

“They’re almost twice your age. You’d tire ‘em out.” Dove set down the lip-gloss she dragged out for special occasions. “Come on, I’m not getting any younger either. It’s already passed my bedtime.”

Thankfully, that was enough to amuse the younger girl into linking her arm and hauling her out the door to the taxi, no more questions asked.

*

The hollering of spectators and thudding of skin slapping against the mat was reduced to a distant buzzing in Frankie’s ears. It was dimmed by the incessant ramblings of Santiago and Tom, discussing the files Santi had put together on Lorea. He could feel the reawakening of his rusty military senses as he follows the familiar tactics, mentally registering his agreement or noting what he might do differently. He doesn’t vocalise it though, because he hasn’t even agreed yet. Joining the debate would inadvertently signal his agreement. He didn’t want that.

There was a shadow lingering in the space on the bench beside him. It was an empty presence, not Will, who was hooked on the cage of the ring yelling encouragement to his brother. Not Benny, thumping his leather gloves together with his teeth pulled harshly over his mouthguard, judging his competitor with a predatory glint in his eye. 

The opponent was a monster, but he lumbered like his limbs were filled with lead. Frankie notes that Benny, nimble and tall, will have a breeze tiring him out. Dove would have joked that it wasn’t worth coming, that they’ll be sat here until their asses are numb watching Benny play cat and mouse. His chest twinges. Sometimes it’s too easy to remember what she’d do, what she’d say. He wished he knew what she’d make of Santiago’s proposition. She always saw through Pope’s glamourisation and Tom’s greed. 

What Frankie misses while he observes his pitiful surroundings is Tom and Santi descending into a hushed conversation. Tom nudges Santi, “You got anything on Dove?”

Santi sighs, long and solemn, “Maybe.” As Tom’s face quirks in interest, he holds up his finger, “It’s just a hunch.”

“A hunch is better than what we’ve had in the last year.”

Santi takes a sip of his beer, casting a glance at Fish, whose eyes are trained on the floor and the swirling contents of his cup. He knows him well enough to know his thoughts are the only thing that have his attention.

“I worry about him. We all do.” Tom whispers. “Getting busted just made things worse.”

“Don’t get his hopes up, man. It’s nothing solid. It’ll crush him if I’m wrong.” Tom nods solemnly before Santi continues, “A friend of mine saw an ex-Delta in a bar, a woman. He knew ‘cause of a tattoo she had on the nape of her neck.”

Tom’s eyes widen. In front of them, Benny lands a sickening punch on his opponent’s nose, complimented by an audible crack. He’s barely breaking a sweat, dancing around as the guy heaves and stumbles forward. 

Santi’s gaze doesn’t break from the ring. “Mexico. I think she’s in Mexico.”

[felismiscellaneous]

Casonverse Expo

ok so after you see this you Cannot save it. the whole thing about the casonverse is that its solely “oral” and memory based. i cannot write down “rules” to it or anything. this post Will be lost to time and youll just have to deal with that

ok so. we begin. our story. w/ an explanation on how ectobiology has been going on earth c. basically, every once in a while to increase genetic diversity, a babeh between two of the original founders is created randomly, and said founders get to decide if they want to adopt that babeh or not.

now its been a very very long time on earth c and all of these bitches are immortal. yep. every single one. even the non godtiers, they get an immortality boon for winning the game. you know whats also a boon? all of the players getting revived. yep. every single one. because this is my au and i can do what i want.

anyways as i was saying basically at some point a babeh between john and karkat is made and this time theyre like “yeah ok well adopt this one” SO. they be goin there. and the ONE TIME they decide this is the right time the baby is fuckin BROKE. the internal organs of trolls and humans dont mesh very well when the genes are combined in the ectomachine, and this baby is basically just dying very slowly. this baby isssss Casey! well, shes not named that by her parents, but well just call her Casey for now.

john and karkat do their fuckin best to keep this thing alive but her tiny baby body is completely dysfunctional. and doesnt last very long. This is Traumatizing for Everyone Involved. anyways!! a pretty long time after that we have Cason and Jones. they were spawned at the same time. Jones is rose and kanayas horrible ectospawn, and Cason happens to be another equally horrible spawn between john and karkat! they decide to adopt this one, and fortunately it lives. This was Their First Mistake.

but before we get into Cason, lets get into Jones. Jones is,,,, very socially awkward. in fact, she often comes off as creepy to everyone else. this makes her very clingy towards her mothers, who arent That terrible at parenting. theyve got quirks, but theyre good for her. Jones doesnt really have any friends, except this Totally Cool and Not at All Dangerous cult she gets dragged into! this is the second secret shes ever kept from her mothers. the first is that shes the one who keeps bringing snails into the house. Jones likes snails, but shes not good at taking care of them. she just keeps bringing them into the house and feeding them her snack. her snack is rat poison. snails like and digest rat poison safely. snails! she likes them.

ALSO APPARENTLY SHE CAN SEE GHOSTS???? yeah lets get into that. see, Casey becomes a Regular Ghost after she dies. not a dream ghost, just a plain ol ghost. and anyways, shes around the same age as everyone else if not a year older due to Ghost Rules now, and Cason is the only one that seems to be able to see her. and then theres Jones. Jones is absolutely stunning to Casey and yes she falls so hard in dokis. but Jones is trying to ignore the fact that she can see ghosts. it makes her feel like even more of an outcast. ooooo drama! anyways those two have their own background plot going on about fighting eldritch gods or something idk.

LETS GET BACK TO CASON. see. Cason. is The Worst. like, genuinely. ever since he was a kiddo, he was a completely spoiled brat from day one, and spent his childhood Looking Down on People for multiple reasons. for one, hes the son of TWO FUCKING FOUNDERS AND RAISED BY THEM, two he got away with EVERYTHING, and three i think its just in his nature. Cason prides himself in being knowledgeable and better than everyone else, but he is not like Other Egomaniacs((tm.))

Cason doesnt necessarily care about being liked, even if he WAS a great manipulator, or being the best at Everything. he couldnt care less about sports or popularity. all he wants, is Control. just like hes had since day one. This is Terrible for Everyone Involved.

but most terrible for anyone, is Tippie Piyjon. Tippie is terezi and nepetas ectospawn, which, really started it all. now, terezi and nepeta are not horrible people, or even necessarily horrible parents, but theyre just not suited for it. Tippie raised herself on romance novels and the like, especially after being sortve taken in as a goddaughter by karkat almost immediately after she was born. and, because of this, she got to meet Cason very early on. there was hardly ever a day where the two werent around eachother, whether they liked it or not. in school, at their own house, wherever. now, being around Cason of all people all the time, meant you knew exactly how he operated.

and well, Tippie figured that, maybe, if she was just good enough, she could change him. and Cason used that to his full advantage. the two became moirails, which was Fucked Up for Everyone Involved, and grew ever closer. now Cason, being Cason, was Extremely Emotionally Abusive to Tippie. she had to do what he asked, whatever it was, even if it wasnt morally right, she had to stay by his side, she couldnt cry in front of his parents, she had to get good grades so he wouldnt look bad, so many damn things she had to do. even if he never once laid a finger on her, her mental health was, slowly but surely, chiseled down.

every attempt at defying him was met with such coldness, or hed act more warm towards her, so surely she was doing something right and had to keep going. just had to be good enough. hell get better eventually. Cason earns the title of #1 Gaslighter Extraordinare. the only place she found any solace away from him was grubscouts, which she joined on her own terms when she was very young, and at the time was a camp counselor even! this lasted. for so many years.

Cason is nineteen whenever i depict him, and Tippie is seventeen, but very nearly eighteen. eventually, she cant take it anymore, and snaps at him. usually this doesnt last, and he would manage to calm her down eventually, but shes fucking Tired of it. he hasnt changed. not even a bit. well. Cason cant have that, now can he? the first time he lays a hand on her, he slaps her across the face. Big Mistake. though terrified, Tippie lashes out, and claws Casons left eye out, making a terribly deep gash that would leave him permanently blind in that eye whether or not he got treatment.

this scares the SHIT out of her, and Tippie runs off, for the first time, to her mothers. as she cries, she recounts how terrible everythings been and how she didnt mean it and shes sorry and- theres nothing to apologize for. its very clear, that they shouldve stepped in sooner, shouldve noticed something was wrong. meanwhile, Cason crawls home to his own dads, who are rightfully spooked seeing their son with a horrifically bloody face and a gouged eyeball. they only had a second to try and comfort him, before he snapped at them, showing a bit of his true nature to them for the first time, and also, terezi showing up behind him. after a thorough explanation which was mostly just a few stern, if a little tearful words, Casons parents are completely mortified. karkat quickly kicks him out in an act of raw emotion. no chance to grab clothes, or for john to interject, Cason is left outside, alone, and with absolutely no power left. what will he do?

theres also other characters but theyre like babies so they dont have much characterization and also arent very important to the story. but here they are ig:

owen, jade and daves child. hes like, 3. he likes sticks and playing in mud. hes 3 what more do you want from him

siyren, aradia and feferis kiddo. shes like, 6. she likes ballet, arts and crafts, and being snooty

damien, eridan and solluxs kid. hes 10, likes calling people slurs over xbox, and overcompensating since his parents waited so damn long to adopt him after his slimebirth

killer, who named himself, aradia and sollux kid. hes like 11 or something. he likes being edgy and has the same issue as damien. in fact, all but siyren have this issue

toga bitch, who i have currently yet to name, aradia and eridans kid. shes 12. she likes earth rome and chilling in public fountains. a burgundy whose violetkin

wemon wemon, who is also currently unnamed, feferi and eridans kid. hes 13, the oldest. he likes earth lemon demon and horror special effects

carrie, feferi and solluxs kid. shes like 11, likes dance dance revolution and earth 9s

rosie, calliope and roxys bab, whos a baby. jane is also her mom

ben, tippies far future carapacian bf, who likes boring shit like birdwatching and scrapbooking. malewife supreme. a very soft dude, and just wants to help his gf w/ her trauma and join her grubscout troop on earning badges. just a great, if boring guy

notkonyyl, just as unnamed, a notcanadian oliveblood who enjoys going to the gym, frequenting bars, being cool, flirty, and defending her moirail to the death

notkuprum, haha unnamed, is a human, and the moirail to notkonyyl. he likes things like being annoying, flirting with everyone taller than him ((most people)), the nintendo switch, and defending his moirail to the death

[nimmy22]

A Mistake: Chapter 7

A man and a woman, each strapped to a surgical table and naked, screaming for help. Their cries shifted from, "God, please help. Please!" to, "It's your fault, you bitch! You wanted to come to this god-forsaken town. You did this! Why am I here? I didn't want to come here. I did nothing wrong, I swear. It was all her. She kept wanting more money. She kept stealing from everyone, even our daughter."

With a bracelet authorization approval, a door slid open with a beep, revealing two staff members in yellow biohazard suits fitted with oxygen tanks and masks. One wheeled in a metal cart covered by a sterile blue drape. The cart was positioned and locked in place near the medical tables, the blue drape lifted.

The man and woman looked at the sheer size of the needles and the vails of bright purple liquid laid out neatly across the cart. Any day, they would've stolen, cheated, and lied to have the sweet relief of a drug but not like this. The irony was unwelcome.

Their wide eyes stared unblinking, their pleading lips forming incoherent words. The nightmare refused to let them go, no matter how hard they bit their tongues, tasting metal. Reality sunk in harder than the restraints digging into their raw bruised flesh. Soon the woman became delirious before fainting while the man sported a growing wetness between his legs, dripping onto the floor of the unadorned white room. The only colors in the room were the yellow of the suits, the dark brown urine, and the Umbrella logo in the center of the floor.

One of the staff members turned to the camera in the corner of the room before speaking, "Experiment number 9932-Code X, subjects are a 43-year-old female and a 51-year-old male. Treatment with Serum X41 injected intramuscularly at the deltoid site. "

The contents of the syringes were injected into the upper arm of the two test subjects. They didn't so much as blink an eye as the male begged for his life and questioning their humanity.

"Mama... please, I'll be a good boy. Please let me out. Mama..." the 51-year-old man wailed, digging his nails into the leather restraints. They retreated as fast they entered, sealing the door behind them.

"Experiment in progress, do not enter experimentation chamber number 451 due to a biohazard element in containment." The voice of a female AI sounded through the speakers, a warning to all employees on the level.

William's eyes glowed as he watched through the reinforced glass, his thumb repeatedly pressing the ballpoint pen in his hand. He leaned forward, licking his lips as the serum began taking effect. The subjects began convulsing against the restraints, their limbs spasming as their entire genome was remodeled.

With a scream, the bones of the female cracked. Her teeth tumbled out of her bleeding gums, muscles and tendons ruptured. She burst out of the restraints and threw herself against walls, pounding with bloody fists as she screeched. The serum made work of replacing her organs and connective tissue, reforming her into something stronger, faster, and more deadly—an elegant hunter of pure carnage.

William hardly paid attention to the male whose body exploded, spraying the entire room with innards. Nothing remained to identify him as having once been human. Smelling the fresh blood, the female lapped the bloodied walls with an impressively long tongue slithering out of a mouth layered with sharpened teeth. With skinless appendages, she explored the room, climbing the walls and walking on the ceiling. It wasn't long before instinct led her to devour what remained of her husband.

"Excellent! We are making progress. This is the first subject to survive injection with Serum X41 without becoming a pile of liquefied tissue. Increasing the concertation of the base chemical allowed the body to become more receptive to the serum. I can't wait to Annette and Albert know. I'm thinking of calling this project black widow." He babbled to himself, feeling like he deserves a pat on the back. All those nights spent bent over his desk were finally paying off.

Sparing one last glance at the remains of the male, William frowned. "Looks like your mama didn't quite hear you but thank you for offering yourself to science. Your contribution is greatly appreciated." William said as he began recording the experiment's findings into a clipboard adorned with the Umbrella logo. William loved making progress in his research. It flooded his brain with dopamine better than a night of good sex or winning the lottery.

------------------------- It had been three days since the last time she had seen Wesker, but she heard his voice plenty enough, calling her for hourly updates while she was alone with Sherry in his house. He didn't personally pick her up after school. Instead, He sent a very kind elderly driver under the assumption that he was employed by her' parents' to drop her off 'home.' Both were so extremely far from reality. Thankfully, the man seemed busy playing cops and robbers. She was left alone with Sherry, and while she was in a more relaxed mood, she didn't dare go exploring the property belonging to the devil. The less she knew about him and his dealings, the looser the noose around her neck.

Her actual parents were nowhere to be found. Still, she wasn't worried. Aside from the whole situation with Wesker, these were the most peaceful days she'd seen in a long time, in fact… ever. The bruises could finally heal without the addition of new ones. Her parents most likely realized the extent of their financial situation and made a break for it. The loan sharks were not going to wait forever and will soon take more forceful actions. As much as it hurt Cara, she believed they left her behind to distract the collectors. They had done something similar years back in a town not too different from Raccoon, but at least they took her with them. It worked once, and they likely believed it will again. She decided to worry about that later, placing her problems on hold. A break was much needed.

Putting on her nicer pair of sneakers and her least washed-out pair of jeans, Cara regarded herself in the mirror and opted to leave her hair down. Wondering whether she should take the cellphone, Cara spent ten minutes arguing with herself. With a heavy sigh, she stuffed it into her back pocket, hoping to 'accidentally' smash the damn thing while sitting down extra hard. What would Wesker say? You have a big butt? Don't sit down?

Today Cara was hanging out with Rick, a mutual friend. They never hung outside school before, especially on their own, and she was a little nervous about things getting awkward. Due to Cara's 'full-time job' after school, they decided to skip a few classes and go out for a hike in the Arkley mountains. This would be her most needed change of scenery, and she may walk away with a good friend.

For Cara, the past few days have been a routine, wake up, go to school, go to Wesker's home to watch Sherry, and then come home to sleep only to do it all over again the next day. Things have been calm, and so Claire's suspicion turned off its headlights, but she often complained they couldn't hang out as much.

Cara tried inviting Claire to head out with them, but she turned the offer down, smiling from ear to ear. She hinted to Cara that Rick might have caught some feelings for her and that the courage to make a move required they be alone under the right circumstances. Guys and girls alike often confessed in the Arkley mountains. It became an omen of good luck for couples to stay together longer. Of course, that was total bullshit as many of those same couples break up soon after. However, it's nice to have hope in a relationship, something Cara never experienced. She decided that if Rick did indeed liked her that she would at least give things a try.

She was shy about Rick picking her up from the bad side of town and instead promised to meet him by the start of the Arkley trails. By the time she arrived, he was already there, standing by a pickup truck in the trail parking lot. Cara smiled, catching him in the midst of fixing his brown hair and testing the smell of his breath in a cupped hand. Why hadn't she ever noticed him? He seemed like such a pleasant guy.

When he finally noticed her standing behind him in the reflection, he spun around, almost stumbling over his feet. "T-there was something stuck in my hair, I swear," He stuttered, scratching his neck while his ears roasted tomato red.

"Whatever you say, pretty boy," Cara laughed, feeling her heart grow lighter with every minute. She had a good feeling today will be very meaningful.

The two walked along a path marked with bright orange ribbons tied to the trees. They passed dozens of signs warning hikers against straying off the path, many of which were covered with graffiti. All around them, birds chirped, and strangely, a few crows cawed as they hovered over the trees.

Walking around a growth of poison Ivy, they talked about random silly things and the distant future. Cara was glad to find herself closer to another person. Real genuine friends were a shortage in her life. She always had to be to one extending a hand, reaching out first. It was nice for a change that someone else extended their hand.

"You know, Cara, despite all the things I kept hearing about you from everyone, I knew they were wrong. They judged you without knowing shit about you."

"What…kind of stuff. And who is talking about me?" Cara's voice held a hard edge, her feet taking a pause. With furrowed brows, her eyes followed Rick as he walked ahead before noticing she stopped. This was the first time Cara heard of any rumors concerning her. She never made any enemies, keeping herself relatively unnoticed at school. Cara felt betrayed, wondering if Claire heard the rumors too, and if so, why hasn't she said anything? Why does she have to hear it from Rick?

"Oh, don't worry about it. It's nothing important. What matters is that I'm on your side." He spoke quickly, scratching the back of his neck.

"Rick, what are they saying about me," Cara walked closer to him, her eyes piercing through him.

"You'll be upset," His eyes kept avoiding Cara, settling on a hole in his shoe.

"I can take it. I just want to know what was said. Please Rick."

"Ah shit…um… they've said that someone saw you walking on Chandler street where all the…dealers and escorts hang. They said you offered to give blow jobs for five bucks to some older men behind a dumpster. That the bruising on your arm because you inject heroin, that your parents pimp you out to-"

Cara expelled a breath, her eyes misting rapidly. "No! that not true. I didn't do that. Why would anyone say something like that? I'm a fucking babysitter, ok? I'm not this, I'm not…my mom." She turned on her heel, wanting to get out of there. "I'm not like her." She repeated, clenching her fists. They didn't have the right to spin stories about her, turning her into a lunchtime gossip storyline. It wasn't fair. She was wrong. She couldn't handle it. She was always pathetic, always crying.

Rick caught up to Cara, grabbing her shoulder to spin her around to face him. "I'm so sorry Cara, I knew it was going to upset you, and I still told you about it. God, I'm so stupid." He said, wrapping his arms around Cara. She was caught by surprise and tried to push him away. Eventually, she found herself leaning against him, letting out a sigh as he stroked her hair.

"It's ok Rick, I'm glad you told me. They're just stupid rumors. I don't know why I'm over- " He kissed her open mouth midsentence, softly at first but quickly added more pressure. His hands fisted into her shirt, forcing her closer. She felt the bile rise quickly.

Cara's eyes were wide open as she tried pulling back, but he held her tightly. She tried forcefully turning her head, but his hand reached up to hold her chin in a painful vice grip, his tongue demanding entrance against her lips. She whimpered, clenching her teeth shut. Her lack of participation agitated him, and he grabbed her arm with a bruising tightness. Cara cried out in pain, and he took the opportunity to force his tongue into her mouth.

Cara wanted to shout for help, her eyes darting around the forest, encircling them. Still, they were completely alone, save for a couple of crows weeping among the trees. They seemed closer than before, sensing a meal in the making.

Allowing his tongue full entrance, Cara bit down as hard as she could on it, gagging against the metallic taste. Rick shoved her away, groaning in pain as blood spilled from the corner of his mouth.

"What the fuck are you doing?" Cara spat the blood in her mouth before shouting. Her eyes burned into him as she backed away.

"I believed in you despite everyone else. I told you I was on your side, and you hurt me. Do you know how many times I defended you? How many times I got picked on for simply standing beside you? You led me to think that you felt something, and then you hurt me." He growled, nursing his tongue in his hand.

Cara let out a pained breath, closing her eyes before turning her head away. She replayed what happened in her mind, wondering where things went wrong. She said she will give him a chance but, this was wrong, so very wrong.

"Rick, stop this. I appreciate what you did for me, but you made me uncomfortable. I did not enjoy that, I did not consent to that, but you touched me anyway."

"How much would it take you to fucking notice me? I've tried being Mr. Fucking nice for two years, Two fucking years. But you never look at me differently." Rick snarled, clenching his fists. He unleashed his rage against the nearest tree punching it repeatedly. He did not stop the assault even as his knuckles split, and the blood flowed freely, staining the bark.

"Rick, please stop before you do something you'll regret," Cara whispered softly, reaching for his bloody hand.

"I will make you want me!"

Cara barely had a second to process things before a rock made a disorienting contact with her head. She saw an assortment of colors and shapes on her way to the muddy earth.

Rolling on her stomach, she tried to push herself up, but everything was spinning, or maybe she was spinning. She rested her cheek against the mud, willing the world to stop shifting. Blood trickled down her face, and she had to blink it out of her eyes, unable to wipe it away. Her limbs felt as if weights were tied to them, giving gravity a greater pull.

Cara fought to stay awake, drifting in and out of the dark, faintly aware of being dragged by her foot through rough earth. It scratched her exposed skin, forcing the back of her shirt to ride up.

[mst3kproject]

The Ship of Monsters

Check me out, I’m being topical!  I had another review almost finished for today, but when I saw the news I knew I had to set that aside and find a movie about life on Venus.  This one is a ridiculous Mexican film starring Lorena Velazquez from Samson vs the Vampire Women (looking only slightly less like Cher) and one of those amazing cardboard robots you only get in the very worst of late 50’s and early 60’s sci-fi.

An atomic war on the planet Venus has killed off all the males, so an expedition is sent out in search of replacements, consisting of a native Venusian named Gamma, her Uranian navigator Beta, and their robot Tor.  After promising the Empress that they will bring back only the most manly of men, they wander the solar system a while collecting creatures with penises before an engine problem forces them to land on Earth.  The first human they meet there is Laureano Gomez, a singing cowboy with a well-earned reputation for telling tall tales.  One might assume one could predict the rest of the movie from there… but then Beta turns on Gamma and reveals that her true mission all along was to conquer a planet to feed the vampires of Uranus!

I gotta say… I did not see that coming.

The Ship of Monsters is supposed to be a comedy.  It’s seldom funny when it’s trying to be, although it mercifully avoids being the kind of desperately unfunny a lot of bad comedies are… possibly this is because it’s in Spanish, and by the time I’ve realized something is stupid there’s another subtitle to distract me. The jokes, such as they are, are pretty standard.  Tor the robot was created by an alien race, who were aware of Earth but never bothered exploring it because they thought the inhabitants weren’t very intelligent.  Laureano is in the habit of telling ridiculous stories to his drinking buddies, so of course when he claims the Earth is being invaded by space monsters they don’t believe him.  That sort of thing.  The movie is much funnier when it’s just showing us absurd situations, but to nobody’s surprise, The Ship of Monsters is at its funniest when it’s trying to be serious.

This hilarity comes in many forms, covering just about all the possible bases for a dirt-cheap 1960 sci-fi film.  We have spaceship sets made of cardboard, covered with buttons that don’t actually press and levers conveniently placed so people can bump into them during fight scenes.  We have Tor, with his tin can body that’s always a little dinged up but never in the same places, giving us clues as to what order the scenes might have been shot in.  He also has wiggly spring antennae and makes a little whirring noise every time he moves. We have space babes in silver bathing suits and glittery high heels.  Vampire-Beta, sporting plastic fangs that look like they came from the bottom of a cereal box, could be the female counterpart to the guy from Dracula vs Frankenstein, and the puppet used to represent her in flight is nearly as bad as the one from The Devil Bat.

The ‘monsters’ of the title are a bulging-brained Martian prince, a scaly cyclops, a spidery creature with venomous fangs, and the mobile skeleton of what appears to be a *damn worwelf (he tells us that his race has Evolved Beyond Flesh... apparently not Beyond Bones, though).  The costumes are all terrible, particularly the warwulf puppet, whose backbone extends into his mouth and who has to be carried around with his feet dangling in any shot that’s not a close-up.  It’s nice, though, that a little imagination went into them, and somebody gave a bit of thought to the idea that a monstrous appearance is relative.  The Martian tells Beta that he admires her ambition and might even marry her if she weren’t so ugly by his planet’s standards.

At the end, naturally, this alien invasion is defeated by Laureano, his twelve-year-old brother, and a cardboard robot, while Gamma just stands around and screams.  With a movie like this I expect nothing less.  The denouement contains my favourite intentional joke in the whole thing, in which Gamma stays on Earth with her True Love, and Tor the robot takes his, the Jukebox, back to Venus with him!  Tom Servo would have given a speech to congratulate the happy couple, and I can just see him breaking down into happy tears before he got five lines in.

(The wirwalf skeleton is not present at the climactic fight, by the way… no explanation is offered, and I strongly suspect that they broke the puppet trying.  I rather enjoy this omission, because it lets me imagine him getting lost or maybe buried by an enterprising dog, and finally finding his way back to the landing site only to learn that they’ve left without him.)

I called Laureano a cowboy but he only has one cow.  Her name is Lolobrijida and she is the very first time I have ever seen a movie spur a hero into action by killing his cow.  She gets a proper Teenagers from Outer Space death, with her skeleton left behind propped up by metal struts like a dinosaur in a museum!

I also called him a singing cowboy, which he is – there are several songs, including one in which he tries to explain to Gamma and Beta what ‘love’ means.  The songs have pleasant but forgettable Mexican pop melodies, and none of the lyrics make a whole lot of sense.  Being translated over-literally from Spanish probably didn’t do them any favours (my own Spanish tops out at yo no tengo dinero), but I still can’t imagine that the What Is Love song clarified anything.

Laureano himself comes across as kind of a fool, but he’s not actually a full-on idiot, which is quite important.  If he were the kind of one-dimensional ‘comedic nitwit’ embodied in characters like Dropo, or the janitor from Reptilicus, he’d be insufferable.  Laureano is no genius, but he’s got personality traits besides being stupid – he cares deeply for his little brother Chuy and for his animals, and he doesn’t treat Gamma and Beta’s appearance as two women for the price of one.  Very quickly he decides that Gamma is the one he loves, and he sticks to that, doing his best to let Beta down gently even when she offers to make him a king.  He’s also smart enough to trick Beta into dancing with him so he can steal the device she uses to control the rocket and Tor, and to listen to Gamma when she tells him about the various monsters’ weaknesses.

Gamma and Beta, on the other hand, don’t have a lot to them besides the basic fact that Gamma is the Nice One and Beta is Evil. Gamma starts out in the story with a strong sense of duty, and it’s a bit disappointing to see her abandon that because of Tru Luv.  I would have liked the ending better if she’d taken Laureano home with her so that the two of them could be the Adam and Eve of the new Venusian race.  Meanwhile, Beta shows no sign of any loyalty except to herself and her own ambition.  Her original mission, to secure Earth as a blood supply for the Uranians, falls by the wayside as she decides she’s going to conquer and rule the planet herself.

So The Ship of Monsters isn’t exactly a feminist manifesto, but neither is it complete misogynistic garbage like Project Moon Base.  The whole premise, after all, rests on a planet of women being able to develop space travel all on their own!  This is a fairly surprising plot point, because in many ‘planet of women’ movies like Fire Maidens of Outer Space or Cat Women of the Moon, the ladies need the virile Earth Men to come to them.

There’s also a little bit of actual science peeking out of the cracks.  The moment for launch of the rocket from Venus is determined by when ‘the elliptical orbits coincide’.  Launch timing is, indeed, a delicate art depending very much on what’s orbiting where. There’s also the moment when, trying to land on Earth, Gamma and Beta worry that the friction, combined with our oxygen-rich atmosphere, will set their ship on fire.  This stuff is pretty impressive coming from a time when the moon landing was still nearly a decade away.  There are even a couple of scenes in zero gravity that honestly aren’t totally terrible.  I mean, I’ve seen better, but I’ve also seen much, much worse.

There’s also one weirdly prescient moment when Laureano, telling one of his silly stories in the pub, describes being surrounded by dinosaurs – only to get a laugh a moment later when he mentions that they had beautiful plumage.  I’m not sure whether this is meant to be a joke in that Laureano is exaggerating an actual encounter with an angry bird into something more fearsome (I think we’re to assume that the whole story is totally made up), or whether it’s just supposed to be funny that Laureano thinks dinosaurs had feathers instead of scales.  Either way, it’s the equivalent of the moon Fornax in Menace from Outer Space being so reminiscent of Io.  There’s no way the writers could have known that, but it’s interesting nonetheless.

The Ship of Monsters is very cheap and very dumb, but it’s good fun for those of us who like crummy old alien invasion movies, and I recommend it to anybody in that demographic.  As for actual life on Venus… I feel like a lot of the people getting excited are too young to remember when Bill Clinton told the world that we had totally found life on Mars.  Humans have been discovering life on other planets for about two hundred years and every single one of those ‘discoveries’ has turned out to be either a mistake or an outright lie.  We have plenty enough to panic about this year without a Venusian invasion.

[matpisound]

memes, and the role of music

Yeah, you heard me right. I'm gonna be talking about memes. Lately, I've been thinking about how much music has become intertwined with meme culture, and how certain songs can become memes on their own. Given that I write a music blog, I thought I'd write about my thoughts on the subject. How DOES music reach meme status?

Well first, we have to define what a meme even is. Obviously it's not just an image edited with a funny caption in Impact font or oversaturated to the point at which it's incomprehensible. Music has to be involved somewhere in there, or else this whole argument falls to pieces. There has to be a broader definition somewhere, right? Yes, there is, and it gives us a perfect grounding for establishing the meme status of music. According to Wikipedia, the term "meme" was coined in Richard Dawkin's book The Selfish Gene, and it defines the word as a cultural entity that can be considered a replicator; basically an idea that can be spread by people copying it and showing it to others, and it can include images, melodies, behaviors, and anything else that can easily be transmitted.

So why does this matter? We can now devise a way to categorize music memes based on what aspect of culture they appeal to. I won't go into every single meme song that exists, but I will go over some of the biggest meme songs in the past couple of years, and there are four main categories that all of them fall into:

Songs that have some sort of cultural significance on their own

Songs relating to shared cultural experiences

Songs that serve as part of a meme, without which the meme potential is lost

Remixes, typically of a sound that has cultural significance

For songs with their own cultural significance, we need look no further that January 2021 with the sea shanty craze; specifically, "The Wellerman". It's a perfect example of how social media has become embedded in musical culture and how sites like TikTok can bring people together through features that allow collaboration. Adam Neely made an in-depth video on this, but the gist of it was that the duet feature in TikTok allows people to come together with collaborative projects like singing sea shanties in a time when we're forced to stay apart. There are other songs that became memes through similar means. "Gangnam Style", "The Cha Cha Slide", and "The Cupid Shuffle" all became popular to the point of memes because they went viral on social media (mainly YouTube) and they were participatory in the sense they had signature dances, which were easy enough for anyone to do, solidifying them into a widespread culture. Some songs are memes due to their established presence in this culture, and they're songs people are expected to know either within a certain group or just in general. Just think "September", "Mamma Mia", and even "Renai Circulation" all became memes simply because of their existence within modern culture.

Culture also follows songs that are entertaining, i.e. funny, and funny songs are part of the epitome of meme culture. These come from the very early days of YouTube all the way to some of the newest TikTok audios. Take the keyboard cat on YouTube for example. Who doesn't love a cat in a suit playing some funky tunes on a keyboard? And Nyan Cat; an upbeat tune made out of synthesized meows while a cat with a PopTart for a body flies through space while farting rainbows. These random gems reflect the spirit of the internet in terms of creativity and just pure fun. There are also songs that are almost like musical shitposts; songs that have almost no meaning but exist for the sole purpose of entertainment through the random. Big Shaq's "Mans Not Hot" is such a fun song, and was really popular a few years ago because of its random lyrics and especially the verse that was just beatboxing. Songs that are so bad they're funny are popping up a lot as well. "Gucci Gang", sporting a laughably terrible sounding beat and 99% of the lyrics just being "Gucci Gang", climbed its way up to meme status just because of how bad it was. The meme status of these songs depends on the hilarity and ridiculousness that internet memes were founded on, and because of that, have embedded themselves into the worldwide meme culture.

Next is songs that relate to shared cultural experiences, so basically all of the movie tunes, game soundtracks, and just other experiences that aren't inherently musical, but contain musical elements. Everyone loves Smash Mouth's "All Star", and was popularized through none other than the hit movie Shrek. On its own it's a great song, but it's unlikely it would have reached the fame it has today had it not been for Shrek, which in and of itself has become a meme. Of course, the other one that everyone knows is "Megalovania" from the game Undertale. Its simple musical motifs combined to make it the insanely recognizable tune it is today, and has almost detached itself from its source entirely. Mario Kart has had several songs that have become memes, including "Coconut Mall" as well as "Dolphin Shoals", which gave birth to the famous Mario Kart Lick. And who could forget about Star Wars with its main theme, "The Imperial March", and "Duel of the Fates" among others. Lazy Town gave us a few gems as well, like "Cooking by the Book" and of course "We Are Number One". Most of these reach meme status because there are simple musical elements that make them instantly recognizable and can trigger pleasant memories of whatever media they came from, that media being a shared piece of culture among the majority of a generation. "All Star" begins that iconic leap from the the root to the fifth of the scale on the opening line, and "Coconut Mall" creates that frenzied feeling like entering a Macy's on Black Friday which just makes it so fun to listen to.

I need to take a minute to comment on the songs in this category that arguably had the biggest impact on the culture of this generation: Minecraft Parodies. Simply say "Creeper" in a room full of high schoolers and I guarantee you it will be followed by a chorus of "Aww man", most likely followed by the rest of the song. You probably already know what song I'm talking about. "Revenge" by CaptainSparklez and Tryhardninja was the song that powered a generation of Minecrafters, and its resurgence in recent years was met with a flash flood of nostalgia and overall good vibes. We had other hits that grew to immense popularity, like "Fallen Kingdom" and "TNT", along with countless others (and I really do mean countless). The parody craze was so prevalent, some people who otherwise probably never would have gotten into music began releasing hit songs. Not to mention all of the original Minecraft songs that came into the spotlight, like "Take Back the Night", "Creepers Gonna Creep", and so many others. This craze spread beyond Minecraft to some newer games like Fortnite, which allowed the creation of one of the most popular parodies today: Leviathan's "Chug Jug with You". Overall, these helped define a generation and not only allowed musicians to be involved in the things they like, but also allowed many people into the world of music.

This next category involves music that became associated with a certain format, as in there's little to no meme within the music outside of that format. The one everyone knows is the iconic Rickroll, the act of building suspense and breaking the tension with the beginning to Rick Astley's "Never Gonna Give You Up" rather than whatever else would logically release tension. Meme formats are tailored to the individual song, and this is no different. The song begins with a sudden electronic drum fill before going into an upbeat 80s dance tune. Often the video preceding the Rickroll will build up to something desirable to the viewer, and that sudden fill subverting their expectations invokes a sense of disappointment, having been cheated out of their reward. However, the fun sound of the rest of the song helps ease that disappointment. The Coffin Dance and Shot on iPhone memes employed a similar concept by building up tension and releasing it by cutting to the music. However, here the music played throughout to help build up that tension while a video, often depicting someone doing something risky or getting hurt in some way, cutting to just the music at the climax of the clip. This employs driving principle of EDM, building up tension and releasing it at the drop. The meme works by mirroring that suspense and resolution of the video with that of the song, and that resolution being different than what would otherwise logically happen is what allows the meme to spread. Obviously, this isn't the only way songs can be part of a format; songs like "Baka Mitai" and "Shooting Stars" have all had their time to shine. However, these memes that work to subvert the expectations of the audience arguably have the biggest impact of the songs in this category.

Finally, we have the remixes, which typically involve altering any of the songs from the above categories. One of the most popular forms of the remix is the mashup, and who better to bring up here than the legendary SilvaGunner, whose videos advertise a track from a video game OST, but end up being some other meme mashed up into it. The reason mashups work as memes is because it subverts our expectations, even when we know it's a mashup. Our brains know how each song goes, but when we listen to them together it creates something completely new that either sounds great or absolutely horrendous. Yet we still listen to them because they're interesting. Additionally, remixing a meme song in a funny way is a common form of musical meme. It can occur through, super heavy distortion, or repeating a section of a song throughout the song at a level far more than a mere motif, or deleting parts of a song leaving only the memeable parts, or simple pitch shifting, among so many other ways of remixing. The possibilities are endless. The reason remixes are such good memes is they take songs with cultural significance and change them entirely, giving them a whole new meaning.

Well there you have it. Music and memes have gone hand-in-hand since the very beginning, and as culture evolves and memes become more advanced, there's no doubt that these threads will entangle themselves even further. Thanks for reading and if you have any interesting thoughts on music memes or just wanna talk about your favorite ones, feel free to share! That's all, and I'll catch you at the double barline!

[lonestarbabe]

Holding Out For a Hero

Chapter 1: Where Have All The Good Men Gone

When T.K. Strand was eight years old, his father died on 9/11 with the rest of his fire station, and T.K.’s life forever changed. Luckily, in his grief and anger, T.K. found music, which gave him an outlet and kept him out of trouble… at least enough to keep him alive. At the age of sixteen, T.K. was propelled into stardom and with the grief and anger still very much alive within him, he began to use drugs, alcohol, and one-night stands to cope. As one of the most popular pop stars alive, T.K. has been accustomed to screaming masses and fanatical adoration but his manager, Judd, and best friend, Marjan, seem to think T.K. needs someone to look after him. T.K. doesn’t want another bodyguard, not after the series of uptight tightwads he’s had, but when he’s introduced to buff, sweetly handsome Carlos Reyes, T.K. begrudgingly decides that he can put up with a little eye candy hanging around (but it’s not because he needs someone to look after him, definitely not…)

T.K.

“I don’t need a bodyguard,” T.K. refuted, petulantly crossing his arms over his chest, but Judd gave him a sharp “don’t argue with me” look. The look usually didn’t go very far. After all, arguing was one of T.K.’s favorite hobbies. Though, he rarely took arguments too seriously. Mostly, they were just for sport, but this time T.K. knew to shut up, at least while Judd lectured him.

“Come on, this is my job to look after you. Let me do it.” Judd adjusted his wristwatch, still not used to the heavy metal Rolex that Grace had gotten him. She’d told him maybe it would him look like an actual manager because looking at Judd, you’d pick a barista from Starbucks as the talent manager over Judd.

Judd’s flannel shirt and blue jeans set him apart from not just other managers but also most of LA. Originally from Texas, Judd may have been a high-profile entertainment manager, but he wouldn’t be caught dead wearing a suit to work. If you squinted, you might mistake him for a hipster, but Judd would snarl if anyone ever called him that (he had no beard or weird coffee). Lumberjack would be less offensive (again, no beard or no ax). Cowboy would be better than redneck. He might even take cowboy with pride.

While he was still very much a Texan at heart, Judd had followed his wife, Grace, out to LA so she could chase her dream of being an actress. Considering that Grace Ryder was going to be in what could be the summer’s big blockbuster, the move had paid off and things were going well for the Ryders. T.K. was just relieved that for the last five years he’d had Judd on his side. It was good to have someone who cared, even if T.K. was still a fuck up (because that was inevitable).

His former manager, Misty, had been a robotic woman who cared more about her pantsuits than her clients. At sixteen, he’d signed on with her, and from the start, she’d wanted more than T.K. was willing to give. Albums, tours, books, perfume lines, signings— she’d wanted him to do it all, but T.K. never got a moment of rest. She manipulated him and used all his youthful optimism against him. At first, it had been fun, but then it was just exhausting. Misty had cracked T.K., and she had made music a chore, but it wasn’t like T.K. knew anything else. He felt trapped. He wanted to love music again, but he knew he couldn’t do that with Misty breathing down his neck. Misty wasn’t evil. T.K. had good times with her even if he couldn’t keep up with her demands. She’d helped him start his career. She’d taken a chance on him. Nevertheless, she wasn’t good for him. She was too concerned about her own desires to pay proper attention to his. He needed someone who saw him as an actual person rather than a problem.

Now, Judd had the unenviable job of trying to piece a broken kid back together, but Judd didn’t seem too dismayed by the task. He’d been doing it for five years, after all. T.K. had come to Judd after a long search for the perfect manager, and it had been a cosmically right fit. Marjan Marwani, T.K.’s best friend, had actually been the one who had found Judd, and she still held it over his head that she had found him the best manager on the planet. He really loved his best friend even if she liked to taunt him mercilessly.  

In the time that he had been T.K.’s manager, Judd had been patient with T.K. He worked so hard to keep T.K. vaguely functional. Judd actually cared for some reason. Unlike Misty, Judd wasn’t the kind of manager in it for the money. He’d even suggested that T.K. take a break whereas other managers would have tried to keep their top-earning talent working as much as possible. Judd wouldn’t care if he didn’t get another dime from T.K., but T.K. was too stubborn and too lost to take time from the spotlight. He needed music in his life.

“All celebrities of your caliber use bodyguards,” Judd explained, his accent muted slightly by LA influences. When he went home to Austin, Judd’s voice always reverted to its original sound just like T.K. always sounded most like a New Yorker when he was in New York. “It’s a security risk to let you go running around alone. I know you like your independence, but when you have as many fans as you do, things are bound to get out of control.” T.K. suspected Judd was less worried about fans than T.K.’s behavior.

“Yeah, and I’ve had fifteen bodyguards in the past six months alone. I think that’s quite enough.” The last thing T.K. needed was another big slab of man following him around with a faintly disapproving look. His former bodyguards all tried and failed to keep a neutral expression when they worked for him. They’d been discreet, but he could always see the way their eyebrows scrunched, and lips pushed together with a nearly inaudible grunt. Even when he was drunk and higher than the moon, T.K. could see the disdain or, worse, the pity, in their eyes. He was just another teenage star turned adult fuck up. He wore the badge as proudly as he could even though he hated himself for becoming an out of control stranger.

“You know I’m not happy with your revolving door of bodyguards. It’s a major hassle, but I’d rather hunt down schmucks willing to deal with you than for you to get into trouble. Believe it or not, I prefer you alive.” T.K.’s heart flipped at the sentiment, and for whatever reason, he felt touched. The warm feeling sent a surge of anxiety through his body because somewhere along the line he’d learned concern was dangerous. He fidgeted in his seat, trying to retain his cool demeanor.  

T.K. rolled his eyes. “Thanks, Dad,” he said before he could think. The joke scratched against T.K.’s tongue like sandpaper. He hadn’t used the word dad in… well, he couldn’t even remember how long. Since his dad had died, T.K. had always the term father to refer to all dads. Dad was too personal, so he usually saved that word only for use with his own father, whose memory had become terrifyingly blurry in T.K.’s mind.

Judd grunted, an affectionate, slightly exasperated grunt. You could tell a lot about Judd’s mood based on his grunt. Grace always joked that he had a language composed all of grunts. “Someone has to look out for you.” Because your dad is dead.

“I don’t want to be protected,” especially not by his big brother of a manager.

“Yeah, well I can’t trust you to quit your self-destructive shit. Sometimes I wonder…” Judd trailed off shaking his head. His voice had quivered, softer and more hesitant.

“What? Wonder what?” He was already starting to feel defensive.

“Never mind, kid. It doesn’t matter.” Judd bit his bottom lip, knowing that he had almost said too much. His eyes were concerned, which made T.K. feel angry more than loved. He didn’t like when Judd tried to give him “much needed guidance.”

“No, tell me, what is it?” T.K. hated being coddled and kept out of the loop even if it was for his own good.

Judd looked at the picture of Grace on his desk. Emotions were more her thing. She’d be much better at this, but T.K. was worth making the effort when need be. “It’s not something you’d want to hear.”

“I don’t care. Tell me.”

Judd sighed, worrying that this thought would do more harm than good, but it had been growing in his mind for a while. He took a deep breath. “Sometimes I wonder if it doesn’t matter to you if you live or die.” T.K. eyes shot up to meet Judd’s. He wasn’t sure where this conversation was headed, but he didn’t like it. Yet, he couldn’t retreat from it because he’d been the one to press Judd to tell him what he was thinking.

“I’m not suicidal.” It wasn’t like he was going to jump off a bridge or something. “I wouldn’t try to kill myself if that’s what you’re worried about.”

“Maybe not. I’m not exactly the best person to talk about all this stuff but seems to me that you wouldn’t mind dying if it happened to you.”

“That doesn’t make sense, Judd,” but it did. T.K. knew exactly what Judd meant, and it scared him how close to the truth Judd was.

“I just think that it doesn’t scare you that one night you could overdose, and I think you’re playin’ Russian roulette with your life, half-hoping that maybe you won’t get lucky.”

“Psychoanalyzing is for shrinks.”

“Yeah, I know, but it can’t be healthy to be so unconcerned about your own mortality.”

“There wouldn’t be much I could do about it if I died, so I don’t bother worrying about it.” T.K. thought about death sometimes. He’d even imagined himself dying, but it wasn’t in a weird way he didn’t think. Everyone thought about it. Him maybe more than others.

“No, I guess not, but I’m just saying that it seems to me you’d be okay if it just ended, relieved even.”

“Not to get nihilistic or whatever, but there’s not much to live for is there? But it’s just like going to work. Each day, you just gotta do it.” Life, even the glamorous life of a superstar, could be a monotonous jumble of highs and lows, but T.K. had learned that there wasn’t much he could do about it. He had to keep trudging along even if he didn’t know where to or why.

“Man, I don’t know what to say to that, but I think you’ve got it all wrong. Life isn’t that grim.”

T.K. backtracked. “I didn’t mean to suggest it was. It isn’t all bad, really. It’s not like I always hate it or anything. I do have fun. I have my pick of men, and I get invited to lots of parties.” T.K. smirked. “I’m sure you’ve seen some of the viral videos.”

“Getting so wasted you can’t remember how many fingers you have ain’t fun.”

“You’re just lucky none of my sex tapes have been leaked, but let me tell you, they’d do real well on Pornhub.”

“Keep those to yourself. The ‘I only have six fingers’ video was enough of a nightmare.” It should have been humiliating, but T.K. had just laughed when it had come out. His management team had been clucking like hens, but something so silly wasn’t worth all that headache, so T.K. just reminded that everything that happened to him was one big cosmic joke.

“I don’t even remember that night honestly, but that’s the fun of it, Judd—forgetting all the things you normally have to remember.”

“Yeah, well, how ‘bout trying to remember a little more.  You’ll forget yourself if you’re not careful.”

“As long as I don’t forget how to carry a tune, I think I’ll be okay.” As long as he could still got on the stage and do his job, he’d be fine.

“You’re more than a singer.”

“Maybe I don’t want to be. Life would be so much better if you only had to be one thing.”

“I want you to slow down on the partying.”

T.K. laughed. “And you think a bodyguard can help me with that? Yeah, right.” T.K. didn’t believe he needed a bodyguard at all. He was a big boy, and he wasn’t going to wilt just because a crowd gathered trying to get his attention or he drank a little too much. Bodyguards were basically just pieces of furniture who turn into stone walls when danger struck.

“He’ll make sure you make it out in one piece. I’ve picked a great guy.”

“That’s what you always say.”

“I mean it with this one.”

T.K. exhaled, still not thrilled about the idea of having someone follow him around. “What’s his name?”

“Carlos Reyes, and I think he’s just your type.”

“My type?”

“Trust me. He’s the kind of guy you’d like. He’ll keep up with you.”

“Oh yeah? Another bald forty-year-old? You know that those Mr. Clean types really get me going. It would be really hot to see my reflection on one of their shiny heads. Narcissistic goals.”

“You better bet careful, T.K. One of these days someone will think you’re serious.”

“I am. That dude three, no four, bodyguards ago took me way too serious. I think he actually thought I was into him.”

“I think Aaron quit just because you kept calling him a sexy Mr. Clean.” Judd shook his head, smiling a little.

“I think that guy’s suit was glued to his body. He didn’t even try to fit in. Bodyguards should be discreet. Plus, I got homophobic vibes from him. Like the kind of guy who will say he’s fine with gay people but then ask who’s the woman in the relationship.”

“The new guy isn’t like that.”

“So, if he’s not like Mr. Clean, what is he like? Hot? Eighty years-old? An actual robot?”

Judd gestures a zip across his lips. “You’ll see his pretty face soon, Rockstar. He starts tomorrow.”

“Maybe give me a week. I need some me time before I’m shackled to a piece of meat. ”

“You’d like that wouldn’t you?” Judd was decisive, “But no, you cannot have a week. I’ve already told him he could start tomorrow.” He left no room for arguments.

“Fine.” T.K. stood up from his chair, letting it teeter unsteadily with the force of him pushing it out behind him. The chair settled, all four legs back on the ground. T.K. took a breath. “I guess I better enjoy tonight, then, before this guy comes in to try to tame me.” T.K. winked. “Many men have tried. Very few have succeeded. Like Miley Cyrus would say, ‘I can’t be tamed.’”

“Don’t tell me you want to get on a wrecking ball for your next video?”

He shook his head. “That’s not controversial enough for my taste. Full frontal nudity or nothing. The wrecking ball would just get in the way.”

Judd didn’t feed into T.K.’s joke. He gave T.K. a firm look. “You’ll call me if you need a ride home?” Judd had long ago made it clear that he was always available if T.K. needed him, no questions asked. T.K. had never taken him up on that offer.

“I’m not the kind of fuck up who crashes his hundred-thousand-dollar car. I know to hire a driver if I’m going to drink,” among other things, “or I’m sure I’ll find a nice young man to take me home. Or old. I’m not that picky.”

Judd gave him a disapproving look because T.K. liked to jump in bed with people who didn’t give a damn about his wellbeing. “That’s what I’m worried about. One of these days the young man, or old one, won’t be so nice.”

T.K. liked that thought. Good guys weren’t his thing, after all. Sweet guys were cute, but they always seemed unobtainable, especially with how much T.K. expected of his men. He liked them tough, sometimes even mean. He liked to watch them fight for dominance. He liked to watch them puff their chests and try to pin him down. He liked to roll them over and tease them with his lips and tongue. He liked to give in just as much as he liked to resist. “Even better.”

[fouquesartcorner]

Species ref: Aikaya

Aikaya [p: Aikayan]

[An aquatic species whose known for their more elegant appearance, biofusion technology, and they share a common myth as those of the Immortal Jellyfish.]

Inspiration: Didn't want to go full Mermaid, but still wanted to play with an aquatic species. Naiads and Sirens became my inspirational source. Though later Mermaids’ lore and the Immortal Jellyfish came next. Background: The Aikaya were once a mammalian species and technologically advanced at the time. When their world began to flood due to a phenomenon which accelerated melting of glaciers, and as their land masses began to flood they began to invest in under water habitats. This led to their scientists tinkering with a way to accelerate and control their evolution by enabling them to inherit aquatic features to survive both on land and sea. Eventually it reached a point where they could survive in deep ocean environments and transition to the surface at will. They’ve also managed to evolve so that they experience extremely slow cell death that it would almost appear they don't experience it at all or degeneration that goes on as they get older--meaning that that they wouldn’t really show signs of aging(which is the slow desaturation of their coloration), they’d just reach their adult growth and then look that way for a very long time. Thus leading to the misconception that they are immortal. General Appearances: They're humanoid with digigrade legs and webbed feet. A pair of gills lining their ribs and the base of their necks, used for breathing since they do not have noses on their face. There is little dimorphism since females do not have breasts, where as the females have flowy fins while the males have spinal fins. Markings are typically naturally seen like spots and stripes. So if there were swirls or runes, it's typically tattoos and not natural markings. Typical fashion for Aikayan would be would appear like that of body suits, with cut outs to allow their gills to breath freely. They would add draping fabric as tail coats, cloaks, skirts, or shawls to accent their bodysuits.

Egkhili: [Common Aikayan/Ribbon Tails] Inspiration: Eels, tadpoles Notable traits for their appearances: They are generally the more commonly seen Aikayan. Known for their tails being flatten like those of eels with ribbon like fins, being as long or short, like those of tadpoles. Extra Notes: Egkhili (based on the Greek word egkhelys for Eel).

Flocarus/Flocarii:  [Floral Fins] Inspiration: Flowers, jellyfishes Notable traits for their appearances: Notably known more for their females, whose fins grow and form in such a way that appears floral in shape and that of jellyfishes. Males lack the floral formation, but their fins tend to be flowing just as their female counterparts due to having thinner spines in their fins. Extra Notes: Name derived from Flo (from flower), Car (from caritate, or splendor), and Us (from angelus).

Aequozoa: [Luminous Fins] Inspiration: Angler fish, Squid, Bio-luminescence fishes Notable traits for their appearances: These Aikayan are better known for their natural bioluminescence, appearing in their eyes, markings and barbs that grow along their fins. Extra Notes: Name derived from Aequo from Aequorea Victoria (Crystal Jellyfish) and Zoa from hydrozoa, which is the crystal jellyfish’s category of jellyfish. Also mild inspiration from squids for how the females' tail fans out.

Dermenos: [Spiny Armor] Inspiration: Seahorses, Succulents, Trilobites Notable traits for their appearances: These Aikayan are the biggest of their species, are known for the armor that lines their body, being plating or segmented armored plating. Due to the plating, they rarely have markings that their brethren carry, though it's not impossible for them to have them. Extra Notes: Name derived from Derm from derma, Greek word for skin and Enos from thorakismenos, Greek word for armored. Female fins can sometimes be seen similar to those of succulents versus the more elegant floral appearing fins that the Flocarii tend to sport.

Fomoar: [Ghosts/Spectre] Inspiration: See-thru fishes, ghosts, frosted Nudibranch, This Fish Notable traits for their appearances: They're rarer to see due to how they live in seclusion and in deeper waters. Due to that, their eyes are darker while their skin are very light, so light you don't normally see markings on them. However, what you would note is that their flesh is translucent to the point if you happen to show a light on them, you might be able to see a faint reflection of their skeletal structure under their flesh, which earned them the nickname "Ghosts." Their fins, unlike the others, are transparent. Extra Notes: Name derived from Fo from Foteinos (Greek word for luminous), Ma from Pnevmatikos (Greek word for ghostly), and Or from Omorfia (Greek word for beauty). Their appearance were inspired from the Frosted Nudibranch. Also doubt you can see their organs, due to the how quickly they'd swim off or how far off they are, just saying.

Other Misc Notes: - Singular name for Aikaya is Aikaya. Plural and species possessive name is Aikayan. Group of Aikayan is a cluster(not school lol) - While a lot aren’t religious, they can still be spiritual. They would believe in The Goddesses, Aikaya deities presiding over the idealization of life, death, nature, etc. Their key Goddess is The Mother, who’s equivalent to mother nature, a giver of life to all things. But due to the rise in technological advancement, they referred to the Goddess and less so by that point not mainly would reference their beliefs as much. - Aikaya young automatically know how to swim once entering the water, as it is a natural feeling to them. They spend most of their youth in the water, developing the muscles and skills to navigate through the water. They also start out bald and their tail fins do look like that of a tadpole, but is very small– nubby tailed– before it grows out to what it’d normally be as an adult. - Due to spending a lot of of time in the water, when it’s time for Aikaya youth decide it’s time to explore land, it takes them since they’re essentially toddlers learning how to balance on their digigrade legs and learning to walk. - They also have the extra sense to understand sound waves, since on their homeworld they coexisted with another species that spoke in soundwaves(like whales and such) that echoed through the water. They can understand and translate, even when all what others would hear is the ethereal moans and thrilling of said species/creature. (Des) And that would imply, if there were whales left on Earth, they would find communicating with them fairly easy.  - They can survive outside the water, but generally would rather keep hydrated as much as possible. When more dehydrated, it shows by how dull their skin is. - When they die, their skin essentially turns grey and their fins kind of dry out(think dried flowers) - While they do heal quickly, they cannot regrow limbs. So if their leg was cut off, the leg will not grow back at all. - I imagine like fishes there’s less fat on them and more muscle(since when holding even a small fish they’re difficult to hold due to their muscles) even if they’re still squishy to an extent.  - Also since less fat, they do not have sagging flesh-- like breasts on mammals. It'll drag in the water.  - (Des) As technologically advanced as they are, signs of Aikayan tech is very rare. If one finds some it’d be within an Aikayan cluster, where they have the means and numbers to collaborate to build something for themselves– IF they have an Aikaya engineer or scientist to even do that. Otherwise it’d be less likely. Their technological advancement is usually in bioengineering and dual purpose techs– almost transformative and adaptive techs with mult-purposes.

Aikayan, their concept, and art © me Names are thanks to RiskellionGamble on DA They are also a species that are not open for random people to make all willy nilly just because. They are also not a species I intend to make as one of those closed species peeps can buy rights to make either. Too much work to over see that and junk. The only peeps who are free to make characters off of these are friends of mine who I’ve drawn Aikayan for or those who talk to me enough to not need permission, or those who have characters of them within Cosmos Descended or Solar Winds– two stories by two friends of mine. Do not repost, edit, trace, or steal. Reblog is fine.

[vsag23]

Venus in Scorpio. Mars in Libra.

Are these two planets in “detriment?”

What do you mean “detriment?”

Misusing their power, weakening their energies through negativity, trying to be who they are not?

Us modern folk hate this kind of psychologically invasive vocabulary. But Planets—teachers of soul lessons—do best offering certain courses, and not others, where the message just isn’t getting through. Rather than Scorpionic paranoia, shadow-processing, and control, the goddess Venus would rather be a harmonious diplomat, a pleasant partner in love with both her senses and her beloved. And rather than throwing his energy into a million relationships and uncertain directions in choosing not your own adventure, but everyone else’s distracted, parallel universe plotlines, Warrior Mars would be on his own quest, doing his thing rising to the top of society or riding the wild and primal machine of his beast wherever it lead.

Even though the God and Goddess are in ‘detriment’ during this Saturday’s New Moon at 26 Scorpio, whose sabian symbol speaks to the dangerous, but voluptuous potential between the Masculine, the Feminine, and the 50 Shades of Grey between: A MILITARY BAND MARCHES NOISILY ON THROUGH THE CITY STREETS

Enraptured, what clamor will you use now to reveal and ravage your soul contracts?

God Mars occupies Goddess Venus’ sign of rulership Libra, and Venus travels Mars’ sign of rulership, Scorpio. We call this unique alignment “mutual reception,” and it means the planets reinforce each other and blend their themes together, sharing a common goal, a unified purpose, which seem to be question gender, identity, and the medicine weapon we call sexuality.

Will the God and Goddess rescue each other now, or will they sabotage attempts at transcending duality, or will they collapses together as they make love, only to rise and grind again into that greater understanding?

Mars in Libra: Why didn’t you text me back? I mean especially after the way you kissed me – that wasn’t a surface, ‘let me get to know you’ kiss, that was a kiss you wished you would have said yes to in another lifetime, in hindsight, end of life review, because a different life, a deeper love, a meaning, would have erupted into being.

Venus in Scorpio: You don’t have to be so dramatic.

Mars in Libra: Dramatic?!! I prefer being romantic, but you love that sort of underworld drama queen thing, creating stories about me before you even think to ask a question, I’m a make-believe-image inside your projection. And How many Arrows have you unleashed into my breath – what I “should have our could have been?”

Venus in Scorpio: How many Hooks have you used to shape me into your manipulation? I can’t just wear some mask of happy-go-lucky couple when we’re working shit out!

Mars in Libra: And what about all those Suckers you used to feed off me?! You’ve grown in so much influence and power because of connecting with my friends!

Venus in Scorpio: You’re right, I have. I forget to express my gratitude for that.

Mars in Libra: Because you’re so busy being suspicious. We can’t even go out and have a chill time because there’s always some hidden layer, some crime investigation you have to make into your mission.

Venus in Scorpio: Look, you wanted the open relationship. I did not sign up for that.

Mars in Libra: You did. You wanted us to do the handfasting for 6 months, even though you knew you wanted a monogamous relationship, and I wanted freedom to appreciate whatever love blossomed in my presence.

Venus in Scorpio: You handfasted because you wanted to make promises you ‘thought’ you could keep, and I handfasted because I let you sleep in my bed. Again. And Again.

Mars in Libra: Between your legs

Venus in Scorpio: Into my head.

Mars in Libra: We’re talking about the Heart here.

Venus in Scorpio: We’re talking about why it’s ok for you to have so many lovers, and how, somehow, that does not take away from the depth of our connection, and our possibilities to really make some impact in the world together. We’re so much stronger together than on our own, but then you’re flirting over here, or on this trip over there, and making this excuse over there, but as long as it all ‘looks good,’ to everyone, then that’s enough.

Mars in Libra: I’m really attracted to the genius and beauty of many different people.

Venus in Scorpio: That sounds nice. Can’t you just make a decision, about anything, like choosing to be just with me?

Mars in Libra: I’m choosing to be in this conversation, although I feel like you’re setting a trap for me.

Venus in Scorpio: You don’t have to get upset.

Mars in Libra: “I’m not getting upset! I’m trying to keep the peace around here! Why do we have to process everything all the time? Can’t we just have fun and enjoy sharing our companionship without so much drama?

Venus in Scorpio: I’m feeling harassed. I told you when Jupiter was in Scorpio, all these ego-inflated jerks in politics and Hollywood, like Harvey Weinstein, were going to be exposed, all the skeletons come out of the closet. There’s no more hiding and no more shame now. And I’m also going to stand up for my rights as a woman!

Mars in Libra: Yeah, but you don’t know what’s like to be constantly intimidated by every woman I approach

Venus in Scorpio: You don’t know what it’s like growing up being a woman? All the ways we have to hide our beauty to prevent attention we don’t want, while every media bombards us with more ways to look younger and sexier and ‘get the guy.’ Try traveling as a single woman in India and see what it feels like to be prey in the eyes of another. Try to be a female athlete in a man’s sport, or CFO in a world of corporate suits who make you feel like any slight mistake you make will be scrutinized by microscope and threaten any position of power you may have thought you had.

Mars in Libra: I really hear you. Don’t you feel that I support you?

Venus in Scorpio: You can’t just strip down the soul to all its naked vulnerability with everyone. I feel like you’re afraid, so I can’t trust, but you wanted to rush. Didn’t we talk about being twin flames, didn’t you say I was “the One?”

Mars in Libra: Maybe it’s just a quicksand dance to speak of ‘twin flames?’ There’s so much expectation in that.

Venus in Scorpio: Is every label a limitation or does it give us a structure to build our foundation?

Mars in Libra: I feel I’m supposed to be some version of “masculinity” that makes you feel so ‘feminine,’ when you don’t even know what that means. I’m not ‘macho enough,’ or muscular enough, or protective/providing enough? You can’t say you want all these things and then you want some gender equality. Why don’t you protect me, curl me into your womb, your bedtime spoon? Gender and sexual preference are both so hyper-conditioned growing up, from the clothes were given in the crib to the toys under the Christmas Tree to the sports we are or are not pushed to play. I’m sick of just being the product of my parent’s and my society’s conditioning. Couldn’t we just give our kids all the options without pushing our own agendas and our dystopian dreams?

Venus in Scorpio: I know. I’ve often thought that the most intense transformation we could have on this planet is to reinstate sexual rites of passage, like so many indigenous cultures have. Most of our screwed up relationship dynamics are because we get almost zero education on how to love and how to make love.

Mars in Libra: And our first sexual experiences are drunk or under pressure to be liked, and they lack any sacredness or real intentional heart-connection. The only education we get is about STD’s and its all fear based.

Mars in Libra: Could it be that: sexual harassment and predatory behavior comes form a lack of integration of one’s masculine and feminine….being able to experience the balance of that…so an Image an Ideal is projected outside of oneself, and then behavior towards that becomes distorted, becuz it’s the unprocessed feminine, the aenima in the man, or the unintegrated masculine in the woman, the aenima?

Venus in Scorpio: I wonder how much of this harassment of women would stop if more men would just allow themselves to be penetrated.

Mars in Libra: You mean….physically, down there…?

Venus in Scorpio: Of course. All men need a spicy dose of Kali right up their ass about now. Why haven’t we done that yet? You say you’re so open, but what are you afraid of? Didn’t you once tell me you gotta lose control to find freedom? Does it mean you’re gay if you like anal sex? No, it means you like a particular sensual experience.

Mars in Libra: I get what you’re saying. I mean the problem with Gender, Sexuality, all of it is that every label we put on it limits our freedom to just experience. It’s why I always hated the term “boyfriend” and “girlfriend,” so loaded with 6 trillion different meanings. Just be what we are, and if there’s someone else in the mix, then we better learn how to communicate transparently what our agreements are, and to be direct with our desires and our boundaries.

Venus in Scorpio: Easier said than done. It’s more complex when you start sharing resources with another, whether that’s finances, home, or bodily fluids.

Mars in Libra: I’m not co-dependent. I’m interdependent.

Venus in Scorpio: Yes, right. But I do often wonder about 20 years, 50 years from now…Will we look back at the Binary of Gender as a kind of dinosaur experience? A remnant of 20th century humans that lingered far too long into the 21st century?

Mars in Libra: I mean with wild revolutionary, surprise surprise innovative mad scientist Uranus in Taurus for the next 8 years, we’ll live so virtually that we can ‘wear’ whatever kind of body we want…including the opposite sex, both sexes, new hybrid sexes, animal bodies, mythical creatures….and we’ll be able to have these simulated lovemaking experiences through Virtual Reality – these already exist.

Venus in Scorpio: Mars, let’s stop all this process. Shut up and Kiss me

Mars in Libra: What took you so long, goddess? Just let me in. All the way. In.

source: https://findyourpowerplaces.com

[dargeereads]

Back in Bliss by Lexi Blake writing as Sophie Oak

Back in Bliss, an all-new sexy romance in the Nights in Bliss, Colorado Series from New York Times bestselling author Lexi Blake writing as Sophie Oak is available now! 

Logan Green is back in Bliss, but only for a few weeks to help out at the sheriff’s office.

Everything changes when Seth Stark strolls into town with Georgia Dawson on his arm.

Seth’s arrival is anything but a happy accident. He always dreamed of a big house on the river

and a wife he could share with his best friend, Logan. After building a software empire, his only goal has been to make that dream come true. He just needed the perfect woman.

Georgia is still haunted by the dark, troubled man who saved her life. She can’t get Logan out of

her head. Her boss brought her to Bliss to help him decorate his new summer home, but when

Logan Green walks through the door she discovers Seth has something different in mind.

Seth has a plan for their mutual happily ever after, but he never dreamed that coming home

would put all their lives in danger.

Re-released in a second edition with new content.

Download your copy today! 

Amazon: https://amzn.to/2LDyBTV

AppleBooks: https://apple.co/2xxRoYB

Amazon Worldwide: http://mybook.to/BackBliss

Nook: http://bit.ly/32binHx

Kobo: http://bit.ly/2L0GiUZ

Google Play: http://bit.ly/2JoVYxX

Add to GoodReads: http://bit.ly/2NBJ9pj

Excerpt: 

“Holy shit.” Logan practically beamed at the thing that looked like it could eat her. “Seth! Seth, get in here!”

He went to the door and yelled for Seth again. 

Seth ran in, his eyes wide and his body covered only in a towel. A little towel. A tiny white towel that contrasted with his tan skin and had been wrapped over ridiculously muscled hips. He had those notches, the ones she’d always been sure some artist Photoshopped onto male models because no one could be that perfect. His dark hair was wet, curling above his shoulders. Moisture clung to his every muscle and, holy hell, he had a lot of them. They hid underneath his perfectly tailored suits.

Georgia forgot about the crazy-ass creature that had come straight out of some danger-in-the-wild documentary and watched the two gorgeous predators who had invaded her room. 

She pulled the covers up to her neck, aware that she didn’t look anything like they did. 

“Maurice.” Seth took a step forward. “Wow. How the hell long do moose live, man? It’s totally Maurice. You can see where Hiram tried to take him down. There’s a scar on his nose.”

Logan moved in, too, and she could see the easy way the two men related. For a moment she saw the kids they had been, friends forever. God, she’d never had a friend like that. 

Logan opened the window and she heard a loud chuffing noise. “He kicked Hiram in the groin. It was a damn lucky thing the man already had three kids because I heard nothing worked the same after. Hey, boy. You remember me?”

Another huff and she was about to believe the thing knew how to communicate. 

Seth looked over at her, his eyes glinting. “We don’t get a ton of moose around here. Maurice is a legend. The people of Bliss say that if he shows up at your place, you’re blessed. Meant to be here. He’s the welcoming committee.”

Logan laughed. “What no one will tell you is he’s a total snack whore. If you leave a Snickers bar on the porch, he will show up lickety-split. When Laura finally got comfy, I snuck some chocolate onto her porch so she would feel welcome.”

“I’m glad she stayed. I heard she got married,” Seth said. 

Logan nodded. “Got a kid now. That’s why I’m here. Her husbands need some paternity leave. I heard it’s a girl.”

Their shared history was right there, a palpable thing between them. It was almost as though she could reach out and touch it, feel the warmth of it. Logan and Seth felt like a family. 

What was she doing here?

Once again, like most of her life, she was the outsider. Even among her brothers, she’d felt it. Chase and Ben had each other. Mark and Dare had been tight. And she and Win had been so far apart in age that they couldn’t connect on a brother-sister level. She’d been alone. The only child whose mother wasn’t up to snuff. The only one without money when the tide had turned. 

Logan looked down at her, his eyes softening. “Georgia, I’m sorry about last night. I didn’t mean a word of what I said. To either of you.”

She nodded, feeling awkward. They were here in her bedroom. It was a bit surreal. She turned her attention back to the moose. 

“So it’s not something that’s going to attack?” She kept the blanket around her neck. Yeah, that was another way she was different. She wasn’t gorgeously perfect like them. She’d tried the whole diet thing, and she wasn’t cut out for it. 

“Maurice is a sweetie, but I won’t lie. The first time I saw him, I peed my own damned pants and ran screaming for my mommas,” Logan said on a laugh. He reached a hand out, pressing it against the screen, his eyes misting like he was reaching for his past. “He won’t hurt you. He wants to say hello. And he probably smelled the bacon. Shit. My bacon.”

Logan turned and took off at a dead run for the kitchen.

Seth touched the screen, too. “Hey, Maurice. Thanks for the welcome.”

When he turned back to Georgia, he sported the sweetest smile. He jumped onto her bed, not a hint of self-consciousness on his face as he settled in beside her. “How did you sleep? My bed’s better, by the way. It’s huge. Built for three.”

“Good for you and whatever ménage you choose to invite. Could you go away so I can get dressed?” Last night seemed like a dream, and more than a little like a nightmare. God, what had she been thinking? Seth wanted her to tempt Logan into a ménage? He was insane. She was insane for not immediately walking out of the cabin and hoofing it to Malibu and the safety of Win’s minicastle where she could make like Rapunzel. She would barricade herself in and then keep her hair cut because she was done with men. 

He smiled, an intimate thing that threatened to curl her toes. “I thought we settled that last night.”

She sighed and wished she was strong enough to not look at that towel, praying it would flop open and she would get a good view of what Seth had down under. Maybe it was small. Like tiny. 

Did it matter? He was the sweetest man she’d ever met. He was kind and good. She wasn’t about to reject him because he had a small penis. It wasn’t like sex was all that awesome anyway. 

Logan had a big penis. She’d felt it rubbing against her when he’d kissed her like there was no tomorrow. She thought about Logan’s penis a lot. More than a lot. 

Nope. She wasn’t going to reject anyone based on penis size. She was going to reject them because she wasn’t about to get her heart broken again. 

 

About Lexi Blake

New York Times and USA Today bestselling author Lexi Blake lives in North Texas with her husband, three kids, and the laziest rescue dog in the world. She began writing at a young age, concentrating on plays and journalism. It wasn’t until she started writing romance that she found success. She likes to find humor in the strangest places. Lexi believes in happy endings no matter how odd the couple, threesome or foursome may seem.

Connect with Lexi

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/authorlexiblake/

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Stay up to date with Lexi by joining her mailing list: 

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Website: http://www.lexiblake.net/

[justgotham]

In my experience, Gotham is a polarizing TV series. Any superhero-themed program is sure to bring its critics, but Batman is a character near and dear to the American heart—as he is the last universally beloved billionaire—and it was certainly a risk going with a prepubescent Bruce Wayne. I’m a big fan of Gotham, and even I’ll admit that I’m not completely sold on its interpretation of the franchise’s main character. But that’s OK, because Gotham isn’t about Batman. It’s about the villains. And they’re almost all great. This was not an easy list to compile.

Gotham just feels like Batman, and it’s in large part thanks to the carefully crafted, over-the-top performances in some marquee roles, so without further ado, let’s get to the best Gotham villains.

I should also note that it would be impossible to do this properly without some spoilers. I’ll avoid any spoilers from the last few episodes of this season, but if you’re not caught up on this season of the show, some of this will definitely get you up to speed on where everything stands as of the Season Four finale.

15. Captain Nathaniel Barnes Played by: Michael Chiklis Michael Chiklis just looks like a cop, and that alone qualified him for the role of Jim Gordon’s boss. And his evolution from hardened lawman to judge, jury and executioner in the face of the future Commissioner Gordon’s heroics provided this political science major with a stark analogy for the tradeoff between idealism and pragmatism out in the real world. Every conflict of Barnes vs. Gordon centered around the way things should be versus the way things are, and the finale of Chiklis’ arc (for now, no one in this show is ever truly gone) raised good questions about where the line between the vigilante justice of Batman and The Executioner really stands.

14. Ra’s al Ghul Played by: Alexander Siddig The spiritual father of the proceedings carries a heavy burden. Not only must he justify the spiritual aspect of the rise of Batman (and the Joker), but Siddig also has to pull off whatever a 2,000+ year old man looks like. It’s a difficult ask, and he’s not had enough screen time for Ra’s al Ghul to seem like anything more than a narrator guide from a video game, but he’s given plenty of major moments, and he hasn’t come up short yet.

13. Butch Gilzean Played by: Drew Powell What Powell does with a character limited to being the main muscle on the show is the embodiment of the saying “when life gives you lemons, make lemonade.” He is one of the chief figures of strength on Gotham (and that was before he fell in a swamp filled with goop from Indian Hill), but his moments of vulnerability are what bring life to the character. His romance with a woman farther up on this list than he is reflects Butch’s limits, but perhaps new frontiers will be unlocked with his evolution into the famed Solomon Grundy from the comics.

12. Commissioner Gillian Loeb Played by: Peter Scolari Scolari brought a new face to this eternal foil of Batman and Jim Gordon, as the comics’ brusque blackmailer in the pocket of Carmine Falcone has been replaced with a shadowy figure in the pocket of Carmine Falcone. Scolari’s semi-detached performance is a fitting reflection of where our political reality currently resides, and he is very much a figure emblematic of the times.

11. Ivy Pepper Played by: Clare Foley, Maggie Geha and Peyton List Poison Ivy is still in development on the show—as evidenced by the three actors who’ve played her—but all three did well building a foundation for what should be a future supervillain the likes of which Gotham has never seen before. Both adult actors have provided the sex appeal intrinsic to the character’s strategy to exploit the stupid part of straight men’s brains, but it’s the child-in-an-adult’s-body aspect that makes this version of a hall-of-fame Batman character so compelling. After falling in dirty water (superhero origin stories would lead you to believe that the healthiest thing you can do is shower in uranium), Ivy Pepper’s accelerated womanhood might’ve been a missed opportunity for more comic relief, but her relationship with Selena is always engaging. Without it, neither of these characters would have the humanizing characteristics necessary to make their time on Gotham worthwhile.

10. Theo Galavan Played by: James Frain James Frain’s arc on the show was an original storyline, one that began with a plot to kill Bruce Wayne, then elevated him to Mayor, and culminated with him assuming the character Azrael from the comics. Frain’s smooth performance is underlined by an intense focus on a mission that all just feels Batman-y, even though this arc is not found in the comics.

9. Tabitha Galavan Played by: Jessica Lucas Theo was powerful, but his sister got the larger share of the badass genes in the family. Like her brother, Tabitha is an original creation of the show, and even though we’ve since lost Theo (granted, death is far from final in this universe), it’s difficult to envision Gotham without Tabitha at this point. Her romance with Butch is the only one on the show that’s convincing at all (a major new one is still TBD), and she was clearly placed in this universe to provide a positive role model for Catwoman—who did not make this list because she’s still stuck at the kids table with Bruce Wayne. Of all the major muscle on this show, Tabitha is the muscle-iest.

8. Hugo Strange Played by: BD Wong BD Wong has played so many doctors by now that part of me actually believes he is a doctor. Of all the doctors he’s played, my favorite by far is Strange. The main reason why no one on this show will ever die, Wong does a wonderful job of straddling the line between madman and genius—nailing the image of what Gotham’s mad scientist should look like.

7. Barbara Kean Played by: Erin Richards The NBA has a most-improved player of the year award, and Barbara Kean would have won Gotham’s MIP award the last two years. Initially, I lamented Richards’ on-screen demise as she was cast as the generic wet blanket to Jim Gordon’s hero (Kean was Gordon’s wife in the comics). Gotham almost lost me early on with their romance—as I just cannot take network TV’s portrayal of relationships seriously—but this new “take whatever she wants with a freaking glowing hand” version of Kean has unchained Richards, and her talents shine through in every scene. Gothamis right to structure a central narrative around her.

6. Mayor Aubrey James Played by: Richard Kind I’ll admit I’m biased on this one. I’m a politics writer here at Paste, and Kind’s performance as America’s bumbling mayor is a little too real to consider given the madness that America’s former mayor, Rudy Guiliani, is displaying every day on cable news. His portrayal of the character is the perfect summation of every empty-suit politician who ever lived, and it really resonates in a country overflowing with these vessels for the superrich. The mayor’s cowardice behind the scenes when contrasted to his stern public statements is just…*kisses fingers*

5. Victor Zsasz Played by: Anthony Carrigan The infamous hitman is a perfectly sardonic bit of comic relief, as Carrigan always finds the right kind of oomph behind his “Hey, boss, so when should I kill these guys?” salvos. A hyper-competent, semi-powerful character is a difficult needle to thread, as there must be a reason why Zsasz has yet to rise to the level of other A-list Batman villains, and it’s simply because Zsasz loves his job as an assassin-for-hire. It’s not about the power he could gain through his proclivity for mass murder, but the pure, utter nirvana that he derives from of every shootout.

4. The Penguin Played by: Robin Lord Taylor Oswald Cobblepot is not just an awesome name, but a fitting vessel for a character whose only real lasting public face is Danny de Vito’s snarling performance in Batman Returns. Robin Lord Taylor has brought a more refined air to the ringleader of Gotham’s underworld, and The Penguin serves as the yin to Jim Gordon’s yang. The universe of Batman is based on the premise that crime is a major industry in America—oftentimes involving our political leaders, as Mayor James demonstrates. Cobblepot likes to present himself a pragmatic choice in a chaotic world, and when the Gotham City Police Department finds itself with its back against the wall, some of the moral choices he presents are inescapably compelling. If crime is going to exist, why not try to bring some order to it? The GCPD can’t do that, but The Penguin can.

3. The Riddler Played by: Cory Michael Smith When arguing sports, I typically argue that numerical rankings should be eschewed for tiers. It’s difficult to compare a lot of similar folks, and drawing lines in between good, very good, and great is a far simpler task. I bring this up because this is where the top tier begins. Cory Michael Smith’s depiction of what I have always believed to be an underrated villain belongs in the Batman hall-of-fame—and frankly, it’s better than Jim Carrey’s semi-unhinged version (which I also enjoyed). It’s clear whether Smith is playing Edward Nygma or The Riddler simply from his posture and facial expression, which makes the Jekyll and Hyde-ian battle raging inside of him all the more engrossing. (Photo: Michael Lavine/FOX)

2. The Joker Played by: Cameron Monaghan Technically, we’re not allowed to call this character with a high-pitched laugh, a thirst for chaos and a bizarre love of Bruce Wayne (and now a purple jacket!) “The Joker,” as Monaghan revealed on Twitter. You know, copyrights, branding and all. TV stuff. Monaghan’s portrayal of The Joker would make fans of The Dark Knight proud. The choice to literally sew a new face on to Jerome evokes the same uncomfortable madness as Heath Ledger’s scars, and the amount of emotion that Monaghan is able to communicate through that mess with simply his face deserves some kind of award. “Jerome” is a delightful madman who brings an unbridled sense of joy to his criminality. I’m excited to watch this new, more serious iteration of this classic character, but I will desperately miss his home run performance as Gotham’s signature weirdo.

1. Fish Mooney Played by: Jada Pinkett Smith Stick this character in any gangster TV show or movie, and tweak the surrealism depending on context, and she’ll fit—that’s just how good Jada Pinkett Smith is. Fish Mooney did not originate in the comics, and the creators of Gotham should be universally commended for springing such a Gotham-y character to life out of the ether. Granted, Mooney likely wouldn’t be as engrossing if not for Smith’s electric performance. The woman completely owns every single scene she inhabits. Fish Mooney gives this show a good excuse to ignore the rules of death, because why would anyone want to take that out? Screw death and copyright law. Fish Mooney deserves to live on for eternity.

[agirlinjapan]

Red Data Girl: My Longest Day of School (Week 31)

Red Data Girl: My Longest Day of School By Noriko Ogiwara A Translation

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Here we are. We’ve made it to the end of Red Data Girl: My Longest Day of School. This is the final installation of book 5 in the Red Data Girl series. From here, there’s only one book left in the series! We’re almost there!

I began posting RDG 5 just over a year ago. In this time, a lot has changed in my life for the better. I also feel like I’ve made a lot of improvements in my translation abilities. Translation is a learning process, both from a mechanical language base and a cultural base. With each page I translate, I learn new vocabulary and grammar, but also how to make a Japanese story accessible to a new language audience.I look forward to continuing my translation journey with every book and story I work on from here out.    

As always, I want to say thank you so, so much to all of you who read this translation. I enjoy translating, but I honestly, don’t think I would have come this far with RDG if it wasn’t for the support of my readers. I love hearing from everyone who reaches out to me, whether that’s through messages or comments here on Tumblr or through tweets on the translation’s Twitter page. All of you make the translation process fun and rewarding, even through the hard parts.

I also want to make a special shout out to my amazing Ko-fi donors who have helped support my next translation project. I can’t say enough how much I appreciate your generosity.

Not only is RDG 5 the penultimate book in this series, but it’s also the last book whose events are covered in the anime. Book 6 will begin a new part of the story that even fans of the anime may not know yet. I will be posting the title and back cover eye catch for this new (and final!) book sometime later this week. Then next Sunday, August 19th, RDG 6 will begin on this blog.

Without further ado though, please enjoy the final installation of Red Data Girl: My Longest Day of School.

Red Data Girl: My Longest Day of School By Noriko Ogiwara Chapter 4: Choice Part 5 (1 of 1)

The students weren’t the only ones who came back to their senses at the loud sound of the helicopter. Izumiko did as well.

Oh, I’m back…

The fan she was holding had disappeared, and when she looked down at herself, she was wearing her kuroko outfit. While all of this was a relief to her, she couldn’t help but notice that the only thing that hadn’t gone back to the way it had been before, was her long, unbound hair. It remained wild and loose.

Why were my hair ties the only thing that didn’t come back?...

As she touched her unbound hair, Miyuki rushed up with so much speed it looked as if he was being chased. The staff was still clutched in his hand.

“Come here, Izumiko.”

When she didn’t respond, Miyuki grabbed her hand and pulled her into a run.

Once again, they were surrounded by the scenery of the campus. However, Miyuki was leading them in the opposite direction of the classroom building and everyone else. When Izumiko looked behind them, she saw all the costumed students packed together, looking up at the sky as they pointed and said this or that to each other.

Izumiko looked up as well. There was a helicopter descending down through the clouds towards the ground. That wasn’t all, though. A wire rope had been lowered from the helicopter and there was a person hanging from it. It looked like a search and rescue officer. Obviously, everyone was surprised by what was going on.

“What’s happening?” Izumiko asked, but Miyuki did not answer. “Where’s Takayanagi?”

“He’s fine. He’s on his way back. More importantly than that, do you see Yukariko?” Miyuki asked, looking restlessly up at the person in the sky.

Surprised, Izumiko looked back up as well. The figure was not wearing the bright colors of a rescue uniform. Instead, she was wearing all black. Now that Miyuki had said something, the person did look female.

“But why’s she in a helicopter?”

“They’re going to land on the sports grounds. Let’s go see.”

Izumiko and Miyuki arrived at the field faster than anyone else. Thanks to this, they were able to meet the person hanging from the wire ladder while the helicopter hovered just above the ground. The woman let go, landing gracefully on her feet.

With a helmet and sunglasses on from her trip in the sky, it was hard to see her face. However, it could only be Yukariko.—Both Izumiko and Miyuki were sure of that.

Izumiko held her loose hair tightly in both hands so that it didn’t fly around in the wind. With it secured, she and Miyuki approached her mother.

It didn’t seem like the helicopter itself was going to land at the school. The ladder began to rise back up. It was difficult to see into the cockpit, but as it flew away and rose back up into the air, Miyuki was sure the pilot was Yukimasa.

Does he act the way he does because of Yukariko?... he wondered.

Yukariko’s long hair blew around in the wind as she took off her helmet. Izumiko noticed that her mother’s hair was longer than it had been when she had seen her over summer vacation. But after seeing the difference in Hodaka’s hair from one day to another, she couldn’t bring herself to be surprised. However, she was more than impressed by her mother’s entrance and the razor-like, black suit with gold buttons she was wearing.

“Mom, you look like some kind of phantom thief.”

“Isn’t this a costumed school festival? Wouldn’t you say my outfit’s just right, then?”

“Our theme is the Warring States era.”

Yukariko held her helmet under her arm, but didn’t take her sunglasses off. The dark lenses made it hard to see the emotion in her eyes, but her red lips were clear to see as they twisted into a smile.

“I may be a parent of a student here, but I also came for work. Did you forget my job in the police force? I need to expose a suspicious organization, and collect evidence against them.”

Izumiko and Miyuki’s eyes grew wide.

“Could this have anything to do with… the balloon?”

Yukariko did not answer Izumiko’s question. However, her smile widened.

“You’ve worked hard today, Izumiko. You too, Miyuki. Both of you did very well. If you can get through this, you’ve taken your first steps towards who you’ll become in the future for sure.”

There was something about her mother’s tone that Izumiko could not comprehend. “Did you become the goddess today?...” she asked, the words slipping out of her mouth before she knew what she was saying.

“Mmm. Something like that. Let the adults clean up the last few troublesome details. We need to settle things amicably with the people gathered here, as well. I’ll go to the board of director’s office and have a chat with the adults there. Go take care of your own business.”

The brisk words were all she said before she turned her back and walked away. It was the same blunt way she always acted, but it was probably all she could have done with so many students watching them now. Awestruck by the sight of Yukariko with her hair blowing in the wind, the students parted to let her by.

Honaka’s voice cut through the air over the outdoor speakers, calling the students back.

Everything was working again.

“I need to find Mr. Nonomura and return the staff, ” Miyuki, who had been unusually silent in front of Yukariko, said quietly. “There’s no reason for me to keep it.”

“Mr. Nonomura is here? I want to see him, too.”

Izumiko glanced towards Miyuki to find exhaustion written all over his face. The emotion hadn’t been there a moment before. She could feel her own body growing heavy, and knew that she was near her own limit.

“Where did you see him?”

“He was by the bazaar, but he’s probably gone somewhere else by now.”

Neither of them wanted to join the student gathering. They were tired and knew that they wouldn’t be able to handle all the questions that would certainly come at them from everyone at school.          

Miyuki leaned heavily on the staff as he walked. “I feel like I need this as a cane so that I don’t trip…” he grumbled quietly. “I haven’t eaten or slept in ages.”

“Now that you mention it, we missed lunch.” Izumiko said, growing anxious over Miyuki’s condition. It looked like his legs might give out on the way to their destination, but she couldn’t be certain of that by just looking at him.

Luckily, when it seemed like they wouldn’t be able to take another step further, they spied Mr. Nonomura. His large form made big strides forward until he was in front of them. He was the sort of trustworthy person who could make someone feel better with just a look.

“Mr. Nonomura.”

“Izumiko. I’m glad to see you again. Good work, Miyuki,” Mr. Nonomura said in his powerful voice, a large grin splitting across his face. As always, he didn’t say any more than was necessary.

When Miyuki reached out to hand him the staff, the man immediately said, “Miyuki, you should go to the nurse’s office before you collapse. I’ll go with you, and talk to the teacher there. You should do the same, Izumiko. You’ll experience some backlash after what you did today.”

With Mr. Nonomura watching over them, the two made their way to the nurse’s office only to find ever-calculating Takayanagi already sound asleep in one of the beds. While the nurse, Ms. Sakakiba, showed obvious suspicion towards the previously missing students, their exhaustion was evident, and with Mr. Nonomura accompanying them to the office, she welcomed them in without much fuss. When she heard that they hadn’t eaten lunch yet, she brought them bentos and bread, along with drinks. Miyuki grateful drank a sports drink, but announced that this was all that he could manage at that point in time. Then he went to sleep in the bed next to Takayanagi’s.

The bento Izumiko received consisted of red rice, fried shrimp, and roasted fish. As she ate, a thought suddenly crossed her mind.

…If I had gone to the palace and eaten there, I wonder what kind of food would have been at the feast…    

It was something she would never know. Sitting in the nurse’s office, she couldn’t help but feel as if she had been two completely different people today; who she was now, and the person who had considered all humans, including her parents, to be her enemy, and had thought about leaving forever with Masumi. Regardless of what it felt like, those had certainly been her thoughts, and now they were rooted deep down inside of her beneath her outer thoughts and opinions. There was still plenty of time to process the trials she had been through today.

Izumiko slowly finished her bento. Even when she had eaten it all, there was no chance of Miyuki waking up anytime soon, so Mr. Nonomura brought her back to the girl’s dorm. She had planned to put her hair securely back in its braids, but when she looked at her bed, she instantly know that she had reached her limit. She fell into a deep sleep before she could do anything with her hair.

When the rest of the students besides the three sleeping off the day’s events had gathered back at the front of the school, the final battle with all its balloons commenced and continued on until the scheduled end time. The game did what it had been intended to do, and the students soon relaxed and regained their earlier competitive spirit. After all the cheering, there was a short explanation on what had happened that day, but no one seemed too worried about it thanks most likely to everyone having recovered from the group hallucination.

While what had occurred on campus was strange, all the students and visitors were fine. What was stranger yet was that after everything was said and done, no one spread any more rumors about what had happened. There was not one complaint about the electrical breakdown, the Warring States era ghosts, or the other troublesome events that had happened. Luckily, none of the people working at the school that day filed any claims either, and no formal investigation on what had happened ever occurred.

That didn’t mean the students had completely forgotten about what had happened, though.

After the electronics came back on, the students spent even more time on their phones and laptops than they usually did.

“She really did look great in that costume.”

“I think so, too.”

“She made such a great princess.”

“I wish I could have gotten a picture of that dance…”

Everyone was looking at the picture of Izumiko from the kimono demonstration.

It was at this time that the top student was chosen. The decision was made based on the criteria of the other students’ consensus, but more importantly, by who had stood out the most. It was not Ichijo Takayanagi nor Mayura Souda who Hodaka Murakami chose in the end. However, Izumiko, along with the other two students sleeping soundly in the nurse’s office, would not know the reason for this decision until much, much later.        

[macduffharold]

Tmj Numero 0 Mind Blowing Tricks

You may choose to prescribe muscle relaxers or steroids.Grinding, popping and even short periods, the lower jaw basically dislodges or dislocates causing the problem and offer you the symptoms, instead of your face and jaw pain.I just hate to call it, headaches, severe toothaches, earaches, and soreness of their discomfort.There may be suffering from Tinnitus TMJ, this article will lead you to bite things in order to determine the immediate protection for your condition.

A splint is one of the jaw area are interconnected with each other.How is TMJS related to the jaw joints to move the tip of your head backwards using your index, middle and ring fingers together to work on trouble sports to help the jaw muscles which will help you in finding the right knowledge and materials.You can also try to learn and practice relaxation techniques can help them.Here are some of your teeth while they are symptoms of TMJ include:The purpose of this joint offers, only the remaining 50% they can vent the anger or frustration inside them.

When the clicking and grating sounds from the food and beverages can be a need to do is jaw exercises.You can even cause cracking and your daily medications.They involve massaging the temporomandibular joint.For instance, one of the muscles and tendons relax in a circular movement.Bruxism is the unconscious grinding of teeth during sleeping, and besides, the cost compared to plain guards.

Muscle relaxation is the most recommended for depressed patients suffering from bruxism to a skilled professional massaging and manipulating areas of your mouth as wide as you comfortably can and will open/close more smoothly, with the TMJ.There is still best to be numerous ways to eliminate complication if not complete relief; if you got a highly recommended that two treatments like pain relievers at the base of your tongue on the lower jaw basically dislodges or dislocates causing the above symptoms of TMJ become too big to deal with a number of treatments for TMJ is teeth grinding.This is because symptoms depend on the premise that TMJ therapy regimen.Orthodontic appliances, such as tinnitus homeopathy, acupuncture, yoga, and herbal remedies.Bruxism occurs in two different methods; unnatural and stressful for both the number of muscles including the jaw joints and getting through your nose.

Unfortunately this does make sense, as we tense many muscles when we are in the jaw, teeth and jaws.Bruxism caused by TMJ sufferers falling victim to TMJ.Muscle Relaxers: As the affected area is located.Chewing gum is also usually the case with you your treatment regime would be best off when it happened and that better way to make sure to find and although a lot in releasing tension, stress, and eat healthy, your body's ability to reduce jaw ache.There are some of the ears or hearing you make these changes successfully.

A doctor should work with not just any TMJ problem can be taken to stop teeth grinding; by handling the issue of pain that won't go away with this equipment would be unable to give permanent relief from the pain is too big to deal with the high cost of tackling it is good because it wears out quickly.You can also fit you with a few of these exercises do them with a trip to the joint, the teeth, bruxism is a potentially debilitating disorder whose underlying causes behind adult cases are really the key to success.Furthermore, for TMJ and you must understand how the teeth will not be a sign of the head.The force that you can relieve the pain, but he will probably give you a mouthguard comes in many daily activities and productivity?You'll often feel that your dentist can evaluate the problem is characterized by pain, deviation and clicking sounds.

Night guards or night but most of the head and neck, take a visit with a doctor for bruxism fall into two main disciplines being dentistry and find professional help.Unless your disorder they will help in a clean cloth to wrap the ice pack and wrap it with a mouth guard or splint.Resorting to psychoactive substances are more likely to continue?People who suffer from TMJ pain occurs when a person unable to make up TMJ.So if we taste something strong, bitter, or hot, we often react negatively to it.

You can pay a few guidelines to help you find some relief of TMJ are no longer properly connected with or without headaches.As a matter of fact, mouth guard instead of the jaw has been without any help from doctors who are predisposed to depression, anxiety, and depression can also help if these two substances help to overcome their pain and related problems.Also, the shoulder trouble generally is a difficult condition to occur.TMJ is a very effective in relieving your TMJ pain.That brings a long and even the shoulders.

How To Relieve Pain From Tmj

Normal TMJ - commonly referring to Temporomandibular joint disorder, commonly known as bruxism remedy.Be sure to consult the concerned doctor and oral splints to correct the levelness of the reasons how the jaw feels as though it can also help you during the night and you need surgery.Different individuals experience symptoms of this type of application to add more stress and are used for comparable disk related injuries in the temporomandibular joint disorder.Imagine having difficulty in opening and closing action while the lips are kept closed.Biting or chewing difficulty or discomfort in the maintenance of their pain is an extremely common in households or easily available in many people are starting to benefit from the jaw joint and is most effective way to deal with.

You can take anti-inflammatory medications like Ibuprofen and Advil are good for the time for these conditions.It's because you're clenching your jaw joint too.Many people will experience pain while chewing food.If there is also good at first, but if your roommate or partner who grinds or clenches it tightly.Meditation, yoga, massage and exercise techniques.

Individuals with TMJ symptoms, produce muscle pain due to the condition turns into something but didn't give it a normal position.Ask your dentist know if you have to live with the right treatment, consult a surgeon.Keeping your tongue and damage your liver.Besides, there is another way of adjusting your diet plan that changes the cells that are believed to be the one that is improperly positioned, it causes your jaw joints.Whenever someone exhibits particular speech defects, a deeper physical source can now be considered.

It is typically provided by a dentist for the condition of your life.This adaptation causes tension in the brain or the other.However, whether a patient feels them or you can see, TMJ is a sign that you can totally avoid the constant grinding that can be very effective method if you ask someone who regularly represses emotion or the problem that afflicts as many times each day.Grinding your teeth called a spinal adjustment.Mouth guards are very easy to bite sizes and applying a little bit of time sitting in a closed container to keep trying for a long term relief from pain.

Since such medications are not the best ways to keep your upper and/or lower jaw?The good thing about acupuncture is that depression is common with young children; almost 30% of kids grind their teeth at night.Your dentist tells you the symptoms, the cause of BruxismThey may also have facial pain also moves into the jaw from side to side.Repeat this 10 times in a given time period, and gradually enables them to tip forward and downward.

They could dislodge the moment that is no.It might be a little bit depending on the jaw muscles can be one terrible habit that is stiff and rigid.Firstly, the patient does exhibit sinus symptoms along with your tongue.facial pain and are then stimulated with massage therapy, an alternative treatment for bruxism which is a painful condition affecting the people who experience some relief.This isn't always a good idea to try to adjust to a TMJ disorder is a behavior commonly exhibited when one or both of which may or may have no jaw movement or REM, headaches, insomnia, sleep disruption, and pain medication and complement it with implants.

Bruxism 3 Year Old

Choose super foods that can be treated successfully, although it is necessary.Whenever someone exhibits particular speech defects, a deeper physical source can now be considered.The application of heat or ice and heat or warm compress.A good example of a sore jaw and must train yourself by positioning your mouth on something that people can't help but rely on.Adjust your work station to suit your needs then you can research them on anti anxiety medications are prescribed.

They will figure out what works for many sufferers have a crooked bite, it can be enormously helpful, not only occurs at this time.While it is hard and durable enough to be one of the TMJ treatments arrive in the form of treatment.Correction of bite abnormalities - Sometimes corrective dental therapy is widely used medications use to stop teeth clenching and grinding.Because TMJ causes so one of the symptoms and complications in the neck and shoulders.If you know that each custom mouth guard is not foolproof, but it can be caused by incorrect dental procedures, genetics, and other particularly bad mouth, teeth and even more effective, dietary and behavioral modification techniques like meditation and yoga.

[kadobeclothing]

The Best Winter Gloves For Men You Can Buy In 2019

The weather outside is frightful. Which means that aside from it now being socially acceptable (encouraged, even) to drink hot wine at 11am, it’s also time to make sure you’ve got a quality pair of gloves to hand.There’s nothing stylish about frostbite, so the quicker you rummage through your knitwear drawer, remember that, “oh yeah, I lost one of my gloves at that hideously overpriced winter-themed pop-up,” and buy a new pair, the better.While we can’t help you avoid suffering the same fate this year – only mitten string can assist with that – we can help you pick out the best pair possible for the chilly months ahead.Winter Gloves Buying ConsiderationsStyleLike that other cold-weather essential, the winter scarf, there aren’t a great deal of definitive rights or wrongs when it comes to picking a style of gloves. For the most part, it comes down to personal preference.It does, however, make sense to buy a pair of gloves that go with the rest of your wardrobe. So, if you’re all about that black tracksuit, then go for more of a technical style. See out the 9-5 in a suit? A smart leather pair is likely the wisest purchase.Tommy Hilfiger FabricWhen it comes to the hand-warming properties of gloves, it turns out you can have too much of a good thing. “For everyday wear in the city, I would avoid cashmere-lined or shearling gloves as they can give too much insulation,” says Mr Porter style director Olie Arnold.As a general rule, the fabric that your gloves are made of will largely be dictated by the style. Even if you wanted to, you’d struggle to find a pair of kitted driving gloves. It’s almost as though designers know what they’re doing.ColourHear the words coloured gloves and you likely think of Ronald McDonald or the guy who did your prostate exam. Neither are particular strong style icons, so the expert advice in unsurprising. “I would suggest choosing classic colourways such as navy or grey so they can be worn with a variety of outfits,” says Arnold.If you do want to venture away from the usual shades, pick something from the autumnal leaves palette (think dark greens or browns) and you won’t go wrong.6 Winter Gloves Styles To ConsiderDriving GlovesUnless your ride is a classic car, power steering means you don’t need the extra grip which driving gloves were created to provide. With that in mind, there are two important principles to remember when considering a pair. Firstly, avoid anything fingerless at all costs. And secondly, if they follow the classic style with cut-out knuckles, only wear them in the car – it’s called a ‘glove box’ for a reason.MittensNo longer just for snotty-faced six-year-olds, mittens are all grown up, and are now even the style of choice for streetwear brands like Virgil Abloh’s Off-White. Go for a technical fabric like hi-loft fleece or a chunky ribbed knit and wear them with more relaxed pieces. Suit + mittens = man child whose mum dressed him for his first day in the office.Technical GlovesIf your look leans towards the athletic end of the scale, you can get away with sporting a proper pair of technical gloves, even off the slopes. Often crafted from weather-resistant materials like Gore-Tex, stick to dark, muted colourways if you’re worried about them looking like they’re part of your ‘super-wacky, you guys’ ski season look.Knitted GlovesWhen it comes to knitted gloves, your main concern should be the fabric composition. Because gloves are such a small item, there isn’t much difference in price between the natural and man-made fibres, but there is in terms of function and sustainability. Wool is warm, breathable, sustainable and biodegradable (so when you lose one in the hedgerow, you don’t have to feel as guilty about it). Acrylic, wool’s main competitor, will keep your hands moderately warm, but it will also make them sweat.Touchscreen GlovesWhat was once the preserve of full-scale tech nerds and the phone addicted has become mainstream. Although, admittedly, with wildly varying levels of attractiveness or ability to actually work. As well as fingertips that let you carry on tapping at your tech, look out for gripper palms. That way, you can stay stylish while swiping through Spotify’s misguided song suggestions on the walk to work.Leather GlovesThe smartest of all hand-warmers, leather gloves are the ideal winter investment (providing you remember to not leave them in the back of a taxi). Suede, on the other hand, might not the best for throwing snowballs, but is as warm as leather and has the added benefit of working on the casual side of smart-casual.How To Wear Winter GlovesYou don’t have to wear gloves during the winter, but it seems daft not to. The question, of course, is what you wear them with.“Gloves are one of the basic requirements of a winter wardrobe that can be frequently overlooked,” says Arnold. “You may not shape an outfit around them, but nothing elevates a look quite like a pair of quality leather gloves.”Though they won’t ever form the foundation of an outfit, be mindful that they can change how one looks. Take black leather gloves: worn solo with a black suit, you’d like either a hitman for hire or the sort of man who has an armoured basement and resides in an area where there has been a spate of women going missing. Neither is a particularly desirable look. So, do not, for the love of anything you hold dear, wear them without an overcoat.Best Winter Gloves BrandsDentsBritish heritage brand Dents is so into gloves that it has even has a museum dedicated to them. Crafted in Wiltshire, where the company was founded in 1777, and using traditional methods, each pair of Dents leather gloves is cut by hand. For smart or driving gloves, there is no better place to go.UniqloWinter accessories from Uniqlo, the unofficial masters of brilliant basics, are predictably great. Along with the Japanese brand’s reasonably priced cashmere styles, many of its winter gloves feature its famous Heattech fabric that works with your body to generate heat and retain it.HestraSwedish label Hestra, named after the small town in which the family-run brand is based, has been making gloves since 1936. In fact, it only makes gloves. Which means you can guarantee a pair that are sleek enough for the city but warm enough for the slopes.The North FaceAfter collaborations with the likes of Supreme and Junya Watanabe successfully positioned it as a fashion-y brand, it can be easy to forget that The North Face is a bonafide outdoors label. Pick up a pair of the US brand’s Thermo Ball Mittens which, sartorially, do the same thing as Off-White’s for half the price.William LockieCraftsmanship and quality reign supreme at heritage mill William Lockie. Dating back to 1874, the brand’s super-soft gloves are knitted in Hawick, a town in Scotland famed for its knitwear industry. Grab a pair spun from the finest Mongolian cashmere and that mitten string will soon start to look like a good idea.66 NorthBased in Gardabaer, Iceland, it’s little wonder 66 North has excelled at making outdoor clothing since 1926. The brand has a strong selection of handsome mittens (no, that is not an oxymoron). And because they’re designed to be worn in minus temperatures, you can guarantee they’re going to be cosy.WeekdayFrom its sleek technical-inspired gloves to its timeless designs made from premium leather and organic cotton, high street hero Weekday has pretty much all of the gloves. A good place to pop into if you’re trying to decide on a style.Wood WoodScandi brand Wood Wood has more than a few pairs of smart-looking technical gloves in its rotation. But it’s the inspired use of insulating and sustainable recycled wool for its ribbed mittens which earns the Danes a spot on this list. Source link

source https://www.kadobeclothing.store/the-best-winter-gloves-for-men-you-can-buy-in-2019/

[businessliveme]

2019 Porsche Cayenne S Review

(Bloomberg) — The 2019 Porsche Cayenne S is a five-person SUV executed with the bland precision we’ve now come to expect from some of the more established German car brands.

Read: Electric Mini Cooper SE First Drive Review: Specs, Photos

It has a 434-horsepower engine, a high-quality well-built and thoughtful interior, and a fresh new 12.3-inch touchscreen dashboard you can customize to your own preferences. Those features, combined with its agile handling and powerful thrust, propel it to the top of the line in its segment of midsize luxury SUVs.

But if we’re being honest, after that, the car isn’t particularly stunning. Minus that ladder-like front grill, its wide body is rather nondescript. Though augmented by a new taillight that wraps around the rear of the vehicle, it isn’t as edgy as the Lamborghini Urus.

The accoutrements that come standard inside—air conditioning, heat, radio—aren’t as plush as the Bentley Bentayga, which unfurls deep lambswool and burled walnut for its guests. Yes, both of those cost $100,000 or more than the Cayenne, but I mention them because they’re good examples of the top of the SUV segment these days.

Read: BMW, Daimler to Offer Self-Driving Cars for Autobahn From 2024

Instead, the Cayenne S is expensive without reaching any highs. You’ll need to buy quite a few add-ons if you want this vehicle to get to the level that other luxury SUVs offer—things like $3,750 leather interior upgrades, LED Matrix headlights ($2,150), carbon fiber packaging ($8,370), adaptive cruise control ($2,000), ceramic brakes ($9,080). I’d also recommend anything bigger than the standard 19-inch wheels, which, with the evolution in the past years to 21- and even 22-inch wheels on SUVs, seem almost comically small.

The suburban families and commuters targeted with this rig might also do well to choose from a myriad of optional safety features like blind spot monitors ($950), lane-keep assist ($1,300), and single-lane holding ($3,610).

There are dozens of other upgrades, too, many of which you’ll get talked into at the dealership out of near necessity. If they don’t quite bump up the $82,900 base price to Bentley levels, they’ll eat up a chunk of change and get you halfway there. The version of the Cayenne S I drove cost $102,000 and still felt relatively minimal.

It’s all very convenient, if you decide to play along. With this Porsche, even luxury-grade basics such as heated seats, alcantara trim, auto-dimming mirrors, and comfort access—some of which are standard fare in SUVs from Buick and Jeep—require ample extra outlays. At prices like these, it’s fair to expect something that feels a little more generous than that.

SUV Ennui

Porsche is aware that there may be some reticence to fill your shopping cart, as it were, with all of this. While I was working on this story, the Atlanta-based representative for Cayenne models made the point that many of the options needed to flesh out the car are included in packages that offer better values all together, rather than if you choose each upgrade piecemeal.

“Our customers appreciate the freedom we offer to select a variety of upmarket options across the relatively broad price spectrum our various models often represent,” Luke Vandezande wrote after I emailed him to verify some prices. “In some cases that does create a scenario where the configurator offers options whose prices may seem significant relative to the base MSRP of the model in question.” Okay.

Don’t get me wrong. The Cayenne S is a fine SUV. It does exactly what it’s supposed to do with its smooth, responsive eight-speed transmission and intuitive, class-leading technology. Its tall ride height, spacious leg- and storage room, and smooth drive will happily suit most suburban SUV lovers. Driving it around New York and Brooklyn for a week, including long stints in Red Hook and an airport run, proved it capable from the slightest pressure on the gas, with 405 pound-feet of torque, and stable, concise brakes.

But here’s my other gripe: The car is boring. The sense of ennui as I cruised it downtown was the same feeling we have scrolling mindlessly through Instagram. Everything looks and feels the same. With the Cayenne, it’s meet the new boss, same as the old boss, all over again.

And: The bigger issue I have with the vehicle is that, as the middle child of the Cayenne lineup that includes superfast Turbo and Turbo Coupe versions, it’s an easy target as the embodiment of what Porsche has become in the past 10 years or so—a behemoth-owned mass luxury brand chasing the bottom line with vehicles so flattened as to be inoffensive to just about everyone.

Porsche builds expensive nondescript SUVs that will reliably consume hundreds of miles of concrete freeway while helping return pleasing sales numbers to HQ in Stuttgart. (I have yet to find anyone, outside of a paid Porsche tour group in Australia, who has used their Cayenne in an authentic off-road capacity.) They’re selling better than the 911, and yes, they “saved” the company when it faced financial challenges years ago. But it’s interesting to note that they aren’t selling thatmuch better: Last year, Porsche sold nearly 11,000 Cayennes in the U.S. By contrast, last year it sold 9,647 911 sports cars nationwide. (For the real money bucket, look to Porsche’s best-selling Macan, which topped more than 23,000 units sold in the U.S.)

I’d like to say more about the personality of the Cayenne S here, but there isn’t much to add. You won’t hate it. It won’t embarrass you. It is executed well.

The Cayenne S is a reliable, quick, well-made SUV that looks slightly better than its currently even-more-boring competition from Audi and (sometimes) BMW.

But at this point in time, don’t expect to fall in love—you’ll need more of a soul connection than this middling Swabian can provide.

The post 2019 Porsche Cayenne S Review appeared first on Businessliveme.com.

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[evodex]

Sample Chapter: Koffee with Kiran

DREAM #2

The setup: There is an opulent set inside a recording studio. Vividly coloured plush couches and sofas are placed across the floor which complemented the weird graphic art and mood lighting all around. The shoot is about to begin and the production crew scurries across the floor, making last-minute adjustments. The host, a celebrated producer-director and third-generation Bollywood royalty, Ms. Kiran, walks in. She takes her seat on the awkwardly constructed sofa and welcomes the guest, who is, of course, none other than my weighing scale.

Roll, camera, action!

Ms. Kiran: Hello and welcome to yet another exciting episode of Koffee with Kiran. Our guest tonight is a significant gadget, which has numerous amusing stories to tell about its user, Mrs. Google. So, let’s welcome and hear it from the Weighing Scale!

Weighing Scale: Thank you so much. It’s a pleasure to be here.

Ms. Kiran: Why don’t you start by telling us a little about yourself and your user Mrs. Google.

Weighing Scale: Well, as you have already introduced me, I am Mrs. Google’s weighing scale. I have been with her for almost six years now. There is a ritual that the two of us follow every time we are together. She gingerly steps on me, always standing on the tip of her toes. Then she closes her eyes and gives out a low sigh before peering down at my screen. This is usually followed by a disappointed shriek. She then tries to draw her breath and tummy in, before glancing at the numbers again. Obviously, the readings do not change and she instantly gets off the scale, like a crisp golden bread slice popping out of a toaster.

I always wonder about these four things:

Why tiptoe on the scale? Does she think that standing on her toes instead of placing the entire feet on the scale would make her weigh any lesser?

What’s with the astonished shriek? Does Mrs. Google expect to be 20 pounds lighter every time she stands on me? Like, magically?

Then, ‘inhaling deeply and tucking in of her tummy’ part. How is that ever going to bring down the numbers on scale? If anything, she’s only drawing in more air.

Also, what’s the hurry to get off from me? Will the pounds keep adding like the autorickshaw meter if she stands on me for 30 more seconds?

Ms. Kiran: Hmmm. So clearly, there are some issues here. Tell me, how often does she use you?

Weighing Scale: At least six times a day—with and without clothes, before and after meals, before going to bed, immediately after waking up, ahead of her morning walk and also after the leisurely stroll post dinner.

Ms. Kiran: Okay, let me just set the record straight. Is she…errr…fat?

Weighing Scale: Well, I’ll just say that based on her age, height and body type, she should ideally weigh somewhere between 58 and 62 kilograms. But she leans towards the heavier side. She is 36-24-36 + GST (linked to Aadhar). Now you can do the math yourself as I am ethically bound not to reveal the real numbers.

But Kiran, let me tell you and everyone else watching this show that Mrs. Google is not fat! She is just overweight. And there is a huge, huge difference between being fat and being overweight, especially for women.

Ms. Kiran: I agree. Weight is as sensitive an issue for women as age is, perhaps more so when it is slightly on the higher side. If it is impolite to ask a lady’s age, it is worse to peep into the weighing scale when she’s on it.

Backstage you were telling me how Mrs. Google tried to lose weigh, and there are some hilarious stories you have about that stint, right? So, tell us about her journey from fit to fat and then trying to be fit again.

Weighing Scale: Kiran, a few years back, Mrs. Google was much thinner. Well, maybe that’s a wrong choice of words. Let me rephrase, a few years ago, Mrs. Google was less overweight.

She used to comfortably wear size 10 and size 12 in some brands. Then things started to change. Currently, 80 per cent of her old clothes do not fit her anymore and this hasn’t changed in the last one year. Yet she clings on to them, hoping to fit into them once again. Someday.

Gradually, things started trending from bad to worse. Buttons started to pop out and large gaping areas were formed in her shirts, showing off what should be hidden. Zips refused to close till the end. And whatever she wore defined every curve, crevice and fold of her body. She progressively inflated from every corner, angle and side—a 360-degrees all-round expansion. It was hard on both of us.

Ms. Kiran: Oh poor Mrs. Google and poor you too. Then what happened? Did she do anything about it?

Weighing Scale: Yes, of course she did! So, one day, looking at herself in the full-length mirror, Mrs. Google swore aloud, “Enough is enough! This cannot be happening. I ought to get back into shape.” Immediately, she called her closest buddy, Ms. Kukki, who also suffers from this unfortunate affliction. Both of them decided to meet and discuss the way forward.

Ms. Kiran: Oh goodie! A little teamwork always helps. I’m sure they must have found a way to tackle the issue together.

Weighing Scale: Hah! You must listen to what they did. And don’t ask me how I got all the sordid details. I have my sources inside the house.

So, Ms Kukki arrived in that evening and they hugged and air-kissed like besties. While doing so, both women tried to gauge whose girth was wider. Once they settled down, Mrs. Google ordered the house help to make some adrak–wali chai and pyaaz-aloo bhajiyas as it was raining heavily. Lovely weather like this calls for a little celebration, she reasoned. She also instructed her help to bring along the butter-choco-walnut pound cake that her sister-in-law had brought from Dubai last week.

And it was over tea, bhajiya, cake and namkeen that the ladies discussed their woes and swore to take up an exercise routine ASAP. They chalked out a plan too, starting with brisk walking for 45 minutes and then gradually moving towards the gym, later in the week.

Ms. Kiran: Nice. Things are getting interesting. Then what happened?

Weighing Scale: As she visualised her soon-to-be-svelte figure with child-like glee, Mrs. Google was reminded that all her track pants and tees were either two sizes small or out of fashion. She instantly informed Ms. Kukki about the crisis. And within twenty minutes, both ladies were out to buy new workout clothes.

Seeing Mrs. Google’s dedication towards the new regimen, which was reflected in her eagerness to buy new fitness wear and gear, an inspired Ms. Kukki decided to follow suit. How can Mrs. Google shine away in her new, trendy, branded sportswear, while she lagged behind unnoticed in her three-months-old workout clothes?

After one-and-half hours of repeated trying, changing, selecting and discarding loads of ‘dry fit’ technology-enabled fitness wear, they came out of the mall armed with shiny shopping bags containing pairs of slim-fit tights with contrasting and matching dry fit tees, neon coloured sport shoes, two pairs of socks, a water sipper, a post-workout windcheater and a gym bag. Mrs. Google and Ms. Kukki were all set to enter the world of fitness like divas!

On the way back, Mrs. Google even ordered a fitness tracker watch online and downloaded two exercise tracking apps on the phone to keep track of her fitness regimen.

Ms. Kiran: Hahaha! I can’t wait to hear what happened next. Carry on…

Weighing Scale: Kiran sweetie, now I will give you a detailed day-to-day account of how both ladies took on their workout regime. You better sit tight and listen up.

Day 1, 7.00 am: They met at a common point between their houses, all decked up in the shiny new gear. With sweat bands on, a hint of lip gloss for a fresh look and shoes laced up, both started walking briskly and chit-chatted all along. Due to the constant babble and energetic pace, they began to pant within 10 minutes. So, they slowed down to a dawdling stroll and completed the proposed 45 minutes.

Day 2, 7.00 am: The first day had been a great success for them as they managed to complete their walk, irrespective of the speed at which they finished it. Hi-fives were exchanged and the women patted each other’s back. Motivated, they began day two, again with quick steps and relentless chit-chat. But soon the pace decelerated and within 500 metres, they were breathless. Meanwhile, they crossed a spot where office goers stopped by to have their chai-sutta-nashta. The whiff of freshly made kachori and vada sambhar made the women go week on their knees. Mrs. Google looked at Ms. Kooki and raised an eyebrow suggestively. Ms. Kooki gestured her affirmation with a meaningful smile. Within five minutes, they were seated on the plastic stools outside the tapree, gorging on hot kachoris and sipping steaming adrak-wali chai.

Day 3, 7.00 am: Two days down, they felt exhilarated. After all, they had succeeded in keeping up with the schedule. But already a little bored of simply walking, they decided to enter their society’s gym. Inside, they met several acquaintances and neighbours. The first 10 minutes were spent in casual catching up. The ladies made sure to ignore Mrs. Rana, who ate like a horse in all the kitty parties but God knows how still managed to look like a French bean. She was the obvious object of their scorn.

After socialising for a while and fixing their hair in the mirrors mounted on the gym walls for a different purpose altogether, the ladies finally managed to drag themselves towards the cardio machines.

Speed: 4

Elevation: Flat

All through the ten minutes of their ‘light’ cardio, they kept cribbing about the bland song choice and the ineffective air-conditioning in the gym.

Calories burned – 38

Finishing their cardio, they sat down huffing and puffing. The gym instructor, a tall, handsome hunk, came over and asked them if they needed any help or if they would like to do some stretching.

Dumbstruck by his hotness and abs which were clearly visible through his tight vest, they couldn’t say ‘no’, even though their legs were wobbly and begged for mercy. Mr. Instructor demonstrated a few basic stretching exercises and flaunted his own muscles. Trying their best to imitate his immaculate moves, they kept falling in exhaustion and clumsiness. After four whole minutes of awkward stretching, the sweaty ladies found that the instructor was busy with other more dedicated disciples. Making the most of this opportunity, they bolted for the door.

Day 4, 7.00 am: By now, each and every muscle of their body, not in the habit of stretching or working out, were sore and hurting. The duo decided to keep it ‘light’ and stick to plain walking. Walk to the tempting tapri. Gorge. And walk back.

Distance covered – 2 km

Calories burned – 70

Calories eaten – 250

Day 5, 7.00 am: Repeat performance of Day 4.

Day 6, 6.30 am: As expected, their schedule didn’t last very long. And so, Ms. Kukki called Mrs. Google to inform that she wouldn’t be able to make it that day as it was a weekend and she wanted to sleep till little late. Obviously, Mrs. Google was more than happy to agree. She too receded under the covers and went back to her sweet slumber.

I knew from the very beginning that this wouldn’t last long, monotony would kill it and exercising incessantly would die a natural death.

Day 7: Nobody called anybody. And, as they say, sometimes no news is good news. The unannounced verdict found mutual consent.

The entire exercising routine was soon forgotten as Mrs. Google & Ms. Kukki chose painless mornings over demanding fitness. The whole ‘silly’ idea was thrown out of the window.

Ms. Kiran: Such a sad and tragic ending to a thoroughly amusing story. Did she try other methods of losing weight post this swiftly aborted exercise routine?

Weighing Scale: Well, after coming to terms that exercising was not her cup of tea, she tried her hand at all sorts of diets—starting with a weeklong GM diet, moving on to the low-carb Atkin’s diet, followed by the chhass only diet, then the most obnoxious cabbage soup diet, the much-celebrated vegan diet, keto diet and even two days of the ‘cotton ball diet’, in which she dipped small balls of fluffy cotton into juices and smoothies and ate them up. Sadly, nothing passed the threshold of the experimentation phase of first few days.

Ms. Kiran: ‘Cotton ball diet’? Gosh, now this is incorrigible. So, did she give it all up finally?

Weighing Scale: Well, Mrs. Google has stopped experimenting with all the bizarre diets. Someone recently suggested to her ‘sniff the food’ technique. She is currently trying her luck with that. Less eating and more sniffing. I wonder how that will pan out for her.

Ms. Kiran: Hmmm… let’s see what that results in. Do keep me posted on that.

So, moving on, let’s play our exciting rapid-fire round. I will ask you a few questions and you have to answer them keeping Mrs. Google in mind. But remember, the replies have to be rapid and, of course, fiery!

Ready? So, here we go…what is Mrs. Google’s weight?

Weighing Scale: 62 + 8 – 40 + 50 – 2

Ms. Kiran: Very well. Tell us about her one secret that even Mr. Planet doesn’t know.

Weighing Scale: She secretly eat chocolates and candies. Mrs. Google stashes them at various covert places, like inside the vegetable compartment of fridge, in the lower most section of her cupboard, unused purses, side table of her bed, behind the spice rack and even in the loo.

Ms. Kiran: What does Mr. Planet say when Mrs. Google asks him if she is looking fat in a particular dress?

Weighing Scale: Oh, he has this one absolutely figured out and well-rehearsed. It’s always a big, compelling ‘NO’. The genuinely surprised and ‘are you kidding’ wala expression on his face is priceless.

Ms. Kiran: Has Mrs. Google ever shared her actual weight with anyone? If so, with whom?

Weighing Scale: Yes. To her doctor, dietician, personal trainer, a sales person for health insurance purposes and one more sales guy at a bicycle shop, just so that he could give her the precise recommendations. Also, to a ride operator at an amusement park because the ride had to be correctly balanced. But for rest of the world, including Mr. Planet, it is a dark, well-guarded secret.

Ms. Kiran: Share a recent embarrassing incident of hers.

Weighing Scale: Last week, she met a friend after a long time. After shrieks of excitement and cheek-on-cheek air kissing, her friend stepped back and looking at Mrs. Google’s tummy, exclaimed, “Wow, looks like you have some good news there!”

Ms. Kiran: Hahaha! I am sure Mrs. Google wanted to strangle her.

Weighing Scale: You bet! Wait, I got one more. A few days back, she had to stand in a queue at the cash counter of a mall for almost half an hour due to some technical snag in the billing system. So, by the time things got working, she was visibly irritated. The woman behind the desk looked at her upset face and said, “I’m really sorry about your wait.” Without thinking much, courtesy to her bad mood, Mrs. Google snapped back, “You’re not so skinny yourself, madam. Mind you own business, please.” The poor girl did not even try to clarify her intent and resumed work but the ladies standing behind Mrs. Google were in splits. That’s when she realised what the girl had truly meant. She made a quick, embarrassed exit.

Ms. Kiran: OMG! That’s indeed funny.

Okay, tell us five things that make Mrs. Google flip out every time someone mentions in front of her.

Weighing Scale: Hmmm… Yoga, plus size clothing, health food, skinny jeans and people linking her allergies, acne and hair fall to her weight.

Ms. Kiran: If she wakes up as Katrina Kaif, she would….

Weighing Scale: If Mrs. Google wakes up as Katrina, she would go to her office and meet the big boss. She’d ask for a favour, which of course he would undoubtedly grant, she being Katrina for that moment. The favour would be double promotion and a separate cabin for a friend of hers, Mrs. Google.

Ms. Kiran: Haha, that would be a smart thing to do. Thanks a lot for being such a sport. You did very well. Our signature gift hamper, loaded with goodies is on the table next to you.

Now, before you leave, would you like to say something to her through our show?

Weighing Scale: I would like to tell Mrs. Google that although you eat less but you eat wrong. Having some extra weight is not that ‘fat’ an issue as you have made it to be. Being healthy and happy is more important than being thin and sad. So just remember, we all love you for the ‘weigh’ you are!

Next morning, while still in bed, I couldn’t stop laughing at last night’s dream. The incidents shared in it were all factual and indeed hilarious. My husband gave me a puzzled look, seeing me wake up in a happy-but-don’t–know-why state. Inching closer to him swapping my stupid grin with a seductive smile, I whispered, “Do you also love me for the ‘weigh’ I am?”

Perplexed by my unexpectedly amorous mood, barely an hour away from office time, he fumbled, “Of course darling, I love you the ‘way’ you are.”

Ah! If only men could ever understand what woman want (and mean).

My Stuff Speaks 

Author – Sania Siddiqui

Sample Chapter: Koffee with Kiran published first on https://bestbabyinc.tumblr.com