#it's almost like its coming from a perspective that lacks that and he's somewhat of a hypothetical and very opposite exploration

[dennisboobs]

i wrote another rambly dennis analysis and deleted it <3 y'all don't need that

[existentialfailure]

Meet & Greet

Pairing: Hawks / Reader

Length: Oneshot, 1105 words. 

Description: Keigo spots reader at a distance, introduces himself and is just a general shit. Reader isn't sure if she is flattered or annoyed.

Warnings: None, Mild swearing.

Notes: Pre-Top 3. Keigo is the new hero on the block, and is making his waves.

He prides himself on his superior vision, especially on its handiness when he’s airborne and surveying the world below him. He isn’t a braggart by any means, but he could confidently say there wasn’t much of anything that could escape his notice when he was patrolling from above. Even as he weaved through the air- twisting about to avoid buildings, the occasional fellow bird, and sometimes the random wayward plastic bag- his sharp gold eyes never left the ground below. His state of awareness was extraordinary, honed like a raptor circling and prowling for prey. Though in his case, villains.

It was how he spotted you, and found himself so oddly transfixed he nearly introduced himself face first into the 14th floor of a downtown skyscraper’s window.

He had wasted no time, startling the employees as his crimson wings beat an angry staccato stop before dropping himself down in a quick and sudden stoop. His logical brain was somewhere buried in the back of his head, turned off as he landed in front of you in a flurry of heavy wings.

Gold eyes wide, pupils pin pricked, and a ridiculously sunny smile slapped across his wind whipped face.

You, for your part, looked so startled you could probably be compared to a mouse getting snatched up in the talons of an owl. The wind Hawks’ wings had kicked up in their wake had tousled your entire outfit into disarray, and had you blinking sand and whatever else from your now watering eyes. You were so bewildered by the sudden appearance of what appeared to be- a sidekick? a hero?- you weren’t sure what the hell you were supposed to say or do. What is the civilian protocol for this?

You opened your mouth, then closed it, opening it again: looking all the world like a guppy out of water as you struggled to respond to whatever the hell was going on. Some of the strangers around you, equally as startled, took the opportunity to give a wide berth between the two of you. Some civilians took the winged stranger’s focus on you as a good enough reason to mind their own and make a swift exit. Though some bystanders, clearly intrigued, did their best (not really) to not look like they were staring. You wondered if anyone would come to your aid if it turned out this guy turned out to be a villain.

Staring, your lack of response didn’t seem to bother the newcomer at all.

“Hello,” he chirped. Chirped. His wings still stayed somewhat extended horizontally at his back, curled and a little puffed. You straightened yourself, raising a single eyebrow.

“Saw you down here,” He continued, his tone joyful but smoothe- syrupy almost, “figured I’d drop in and say hello to some of the locals. It’s the thing to do y’know, meet the civilians of the area you’re patrolling. Get to know them.” He struts over- STRUTS!- reaching out a gloved hand as if to offer a handshake.

You blink, your staring finally making your eyes burn. You look down at the proffered hand, the thick gloves clearly a little worn but fairly new from your perspective. When you don’t respond, but continue to stare at his hand, he wiggles his fingers playfully. The leather looks soft.

“Hawks.” he offers, and you glance up questioningly before you realize what he meant. His hero name. Hawks. Makes sense you think, eyes trailing over to the crimson wings still unfurled at his back. They tremble, stretching out slightly as if showing off a bit at noticing your gaze. You don’t think too deeply into that idea. You place your smaller hand in his, offering your name in return and listening as he repeats it a few times as if trying to memorize it. “I’ve never heard of you, Hawks.” You continue, releasing his hand so that you can begin trying to reassemble yourself after his disastrously spectacular entrance. You hope all his encounters aren’t this damn windy. You’ll never be able to wear a dress around here again. “Yeah, well, I’m the new kid on the block.” Hawks pushes his hands into his pockets, leaning his weight back on one leg leisurely as he watches you. He taps the toe of his other foot on the ground thoughtfully, eyebrows furrowed. He tilts his head a bit, wild blonde hair falling in wild messy waves. You think you may spot some knots- probably from flying about without anything covering his head.

“I don’t even know if I made it to the rankings yet or not, not that it really matters or whatever. I’m just out here trying to do what I need to, which is to keep pretty lil’ things like you safe.” His eyes flash to you, pupils constricted- no, dilated?- behind his flashy yellow flight goggles. He winks, his smile lopsided as he waits for your reaction.

And boy do you give him one. Pausing as you had been fixing your hair, pulling out any wayward bits of whatever Hawks had kicked up. You stared at him, a tad incredulous as a blush crawled up your neck and into your cheeks. Even with those stupid huge goggles on, you could see the playful glimmer in his eyes. You stammered for a moment, thrown. Did he just hit on you? Sort of?

“Wah.. well. Bit brazen aren’t you, hero?” You raised your eyebrows, trying to pretend as if you couldn’t cook an egg on your forehead.

Hawks grinned, all teeth and bright eyes. His wings twitched, rising slightly at his back and expanding. You stepped back, realizing his intent almost immediately as the crimson appendages came down hard to push him upwards. His wings began a steady beat, and he looked down at you cheekily. You narrowed your brows, this time prepared and holding yourself together against the sudden increase of wind.

“Kinda have to be to be a hero, Pidge!” He called, still toothy and playful. You puffed out your cheeks, throwing an arm out and indicating around you. “Hey! What about meeting some civilians?”

Hawks belted out a laugh, shrugging before shooting off skyward, leaving you a little dazed down below. You watched his figure for as long as you could, the streak of crimson disappearing just as quickly as it had appeared, with an apprehensive (but excited?) feeling that this wouldn’t be your last encounter with the Pro. Gazing around, you eyed the other civilians before moving on, still adjusting your clothing. “Pidge…” You muttered, thinking. That wasn’t even close to your name. Pidge? Then-

“That shit called me a pigeon!”

[shewolf-sinclair]

Why wenvier works really well as a ship: the season ended with their relationship being uncertain. (read disclaimer at the end)

The entire first season of the show Wednesday and Xavier are constantly pushing and pulling, fighting and then getting along, and then fighting again and then getting along again. finally Wednesday put Xavier in jail and he was like you know what that’s it. I’m fed up of your toxic behavior, a perfectly reasonable thing to say, given the situation he was in.

However, he goes to save her with the arrow anyway, because deep down he still cares, and likely realizes it truly wasn’t personal and she was doing what she believed right/necessary to stop the evil. after all, she did come to him and try to break him out when she realized she was wrong. she tried to right her wrongs. Obviously, he had no obligation to forgive her, which is why he didn’t - right away anyways. He eventually came to understand her perspective, and decided it was worth an ounce of forgiveness. He thought it was at least not letting her die. She obviously cares as well, seeing as she took the arrow for him.

Finally we have their last scene together. He gives her a phone. he wants to in touch with a break and has hopes of rebuilding an ounce relationship. It’s likely that he hopes to be able to fully forgive her in this time. However, there are still likely be some tension between the two when they come back for the next semester.

This is what makes the prospect of them being in a relationship so interesting.

Wednesday and Tyler got along right away. They had their thing and it was fast, and ultimately ruined by Tyler being outed as the Hyde. And as much as I like wyler, it was somewhat rushed and in some ways it was too easy. This ship has potential, but only if Tyler’s character is taken in a very specific direction in season 2. (Wheras wenvier could work with almost any direction Xavier’s character may be taken in.)

Wednesday and Enid also got along immediately. Obviously, they did have their tension between the two of them. It took them a little while to understand each other, and they even have that huge fight in episode six and seven. Ultimately, I believe this relationship works better platonically seeing as everybody needs a best friend and if the two of them started to become romantically involved Wednesday wouldn’t have that best friend to fall back on. while Wednesday and Eugene are friends they’re certainly not besties. It’s much more paternal. Enid and Wednesday have a very special relationship where the dynamic would change and potentially be ruined if it was the time romantic. Wenclair honestly seems forced to me.

this brings us to our third option Wednesday and Xavier. This ship has potential to develop overtime without being forced or rushed. It would come as a result of character development for both Wednesday and Xavier. Something all characters need, a show without active character development has a flat storyline and it’s ultimately boring. Especially when the character lacking in development is the protagonist. It will be really interesting to see just how their relationship develops, from rocky and tense to something stable enough to cal a friendship and perhaps more. They both need to grow as people before either one can consider romance with anyone, and it’d be cool to see them happening to grow together. Now of course their relationship will still have its bad moments, progress isn’t ever linear, and in this situation linear progression is boring anyways. But that’s what I’m looking forward to; just watching it play out.

(P.S. as mentioned above and everywhere else on my blog I am also a huge wyler fan, so please don’t think I’m dissing that ship. This post isn’t about which ship I like overall, but simply which would be more interesting to watch unfold in the future. Where it stands I don’t like canon wenvier, because it’s missing the necessary development discussed in this post. Also, while I personally don’t ship wenclair I’m not dissing it either, it’s a valid ship it’s just not one I agree with.)

[myriadparacosm]

Enchanté - III. Every Myth To Crack Its Lips

Read on AO3 Chapter I Chapter II

One thing about werewolves, with the big W, is that they are underestimated and overestimated at the same time. Peter would have never thought that he will be somewhat comfortable about this subject at any point in his life. As a child, he learnt to be cautious and to stay away from werewolves as far as possible without looking back.

Now he knows better as he became friends with Remus back at Hogwarts. Peter hasn’t been popular at all but to his luck he got roomed with one joyful James Potter, who didn’t ask before pulling him into pranks, and one recluse Remus Lupin; they were supposed to have a fourth roommate, but the free bed disappeared after the first week with no explanation. They only figured out that their shy roommate is a werewolf during their second year, and it offered a lot of perspective to Peter. No one would assume that Remus is a werewolf and it’s understandable. He is kind, friendly and offers comfort rather than the supposed fear and blood-thirsty aura werewolves are supposedly known for.

Werewolves are dangerous during the full moon - so far nobody can face one and hope to be recognized as a friend or more, even as animagi they aren’t sure that they would be safe if they shifted in front of the werewolf. Outside from this time though, they are mostly not dangerous though Remus can quickly become cranky if he doesn’t get chocolate. Most laws about werewolves are unfair and is no help to them, only feeding their persecution and the lack of understanding that they are still human.

Since their days back at Hogwarts, nothing has changed but Peter wants to keep hope even if he can see that Remus has almost none, if any, about it. It’s not their dreams to become Aurors but it would be weird to not be with each other; especially when Remus had been thrown in it without any other option given by the Ministry. Peter is convinced that Hogwarts would have accepted him as a professor, McGonagall had been particularly upset at this news, if the Ministry had not interfered.

Thankfully, Remus has made a sort of peace with his lycanthropy even if it’s still painful to him. Peter has observed his various moods depending on the moon cycle and more, which is probably why he knows that Remus needs as much space right now as possible. What upsets him the most is the lack of control over his own self and as he explained to him and James, it’s as if he has a gnawing shadow fighting to get in control before kicking him out every full moon. His mind healer has advised him to not fight the wolf as much as he used to do, which he has refused for an eternity before giving it a try. It’s not easy and Peter can see that this option doesn’t fully please him, but he is also conscious that the wolf is also a prisoner, just like him, in the same body.

Whatever happened with Sirius Black definitely roughed him up. James is keeping his comments to himself, but he is obviously enjoying the idea that for once he isn’t the one getting into troubles - over one of their targets to protect or arrest - and for Remus ‘clean and studious’ Lupin to be the one fooling on the job. He doesn’t mean anything by it, but Remus has never liked to lose control over himself. Which is apparently exactly what happened with Sirius Black from the few words they got from him.

Remus hasn’t wanted to share anything about it, immediately closing himself off in his room when they got home, and his mood at the Ministry scared enough people to not come near him. They all decided to omit how Remus lost the trail of Sirius Black, which he thanked them for before James snorted at the reminder of what happened.

“I have checked, there is no discovery about any sort of werewolf stimulant or catnip version for wolves.”

Remus only deepens himself in his hiding spot at his desk. Lily gently smiles at the sight before rolling her eyes at James biting on his amused grin. She digested the news that her loyal and most competent friend, her words, got played by a ‘pretty boy’, though it has been a surprise to all of them but it’s not worth mentioning it. Lily and Remus share a strong companionship that mostly consists of teasing the rest of them and rarely each other.

Peter clears his throat. “So, either they knew about us and Remus, which is probably the worst option considering that no one outside of us knows, or— er, they got lucky.”

Lily glances at them. “Remus, are you certain that something pushed you to-”

“Snog.”

Remus glares at James from his hiding spot.

Lily sighs. “Perhaps you just wanted to kiss someone and… he was there.”

“I would never.”

Peter purses his lips at Remus’ answer and shares a pitiful look with Lily. It’s true that any other day Remus would stay professional and even less embracing their biggest suspect and a wanted man. From what he knows, he has never gotten a reaction like that though Remus would probably not be comfortable sharing about the wolf having any control over who he might snog or not.

“Do you think someone spiked your drink? Maybe some amortentia got in there. You looked a little loony.”

“Mary made the drinks right in front of us. No one else went near it,” Lily thoughtful says. “It’s still possible but would it get a reaction from the wolf?”

Peter’s eyes drift back to their current assignment board when Remus stays quiet. He cannot say that he fully understands the feeling but the thought of losing control of himself is uncomfortable. Sirius Black is not hard on the eye but still. It’s not enough to ignore their ongoing case, especially after being creeped out by the Black family.

“No,” Remus says and straightens up on his seat but keeps his eyes closed. “It was like a fever. I couldn’t tell where my left or right were, only this— this smell. It didn’t come from the drink. I would have noticed it.”

“Maybe some kind of perfume,” James supposes. “I saw how suddenly you were anywhere else than our table and it happened when everyone came down from the scene.”

“It has to be something specific,” he insists, leaving his chair in frustration as he storms to the corner of their office dedicated to tea. “It pulled me and the wolf wouldn’t leave me alone until I found him, alright? It cannot just be amortentia. There must be something else. For the wolf. Not me.”

They observe him angrily prepare tea before sharing a look between themselves. James knows to not joke about it again, even if it’s not meant in a mean way, as he goes through their documents.

“What about Pandora? Did she help Sirius sneak in the Chimera?”

“She doesn’t have access. She is a client and Valer- Sirius was seen coming in by the employee’s door.”

“Did you really see through the disillusion charm?” Lily asks when Remus comes back with the fuming teapot and the cups. “No one else noticed anything different from Valeria, even Mary was fooled.”

“Not right away but I could see him here and there. I don’t know if I stared too much or— the wolf’s eyes. He didn’t seem to really hide himself either.”

“It was risky of him,” James comments. “A disillusion charm can be cancelled easily and affected by a lot of things. The Chimera has tons of customers, lights, and magic flying around which means that Sirius must have felt really comfortable or insane to come in with just this as a cover. It could have dispelled many times with all the activity around or be weird enough to catch someone’s attention.”

“The Black family is apparently known to be mad,” Lily points out before sighing. “Alright well— we can figure out when we catch him if he knew about you Remus and what he did to lure you.”

He huffs and angrily sips his tea, not firing any complain about it. Peter eyes him worriedly. They don’t have much to go on, outside from Sirius cornering him with someone else and vanishing afterwards.

“Any idea on who was with him?”

Remus needs a second before he shakes his head. “I didn’t get a look at them and I never heard their voice before. They sounded close and both spoke French a bit which doesn’t mean much if he disappeared in France all these years...”

“If they spoke mainly in English— did they have an accent?”

“Not really,” he says. “Sounded British to me.”

“Sirius doesn’t appear to have any contact with anyone in Britain, Scotland or Welsh,” Peter reminds. “Not even his family. Whoever was with him probably comes from his time in France. Perhaps someone from here who went living there for a while if they sounded British.”

Lily nods and stands up. “We know he isn’t alone. It’s something. Now, what were they doing at the Chimera? Mary told me nothing is missing but she is still checking to be sure. Regulus is already reported missing but perhaps Sirius hoped to find him there? I can’t see why he would risk to go out like this. We also don’t know if he really has his brother or not, if he does why would he expose himself like that? It’s not like their parents would ever step there.”

“Well, there was Pandora.”

Peter glances at James. He only got a quick look at her before he disappeared through the Chimera. She hadn’t appeared guilty or suspicious back then, merely enjoying The Chimera. Though now she is apparently nowhere to be found as all the owls return to them with the envelopes untouched. He would have stayed with them if he didn’t go through the whole place to detect any traces of magic that could belong to Regulus or anyone who could relate them.

Everyone leaves a trail, be it small or big even without using magic. It’s Peter’s area of expertise and it’s incredibly satisfying to figure them out. From that, they can easily track someone but also figure out if there is any accomplice even if they are hidden through various means. Regulus’ room was clean of any of magic except for a dust of elf’s magic. To get rid of these trails is a very slow and excruciating process and frankly a bit endless to try in a room so often used by the same person. Houses often adopt their owner’s magic and it can’t be untied.

The Chimera doesn’t have this much intense cleaning which leaves many trails of magic mixed but regulars’ always have the upper hand so Peter has tried to find something there - anything that might fit with what he felt around the Black house. Regulus is supposed to have spent time at the same table, from Mary’s information, so there was a chance to find a speck of it. Magic isn’t completely similar but a family, especially one such as ancient Purebloods, can have similar figments. Since he hasn’t found Regulus’ magical trail he needs to go in blind and try to piece it together through his family’s.

Lily taps her wand against her elbow, arms crossed, before casting them all a look. “I went to check on Pandora’s place this morning with patrolling Aurors-”

“Did you sleep at least?” James asks.

“Yes but something kept bothering me. Anyhow, her place is oblivious used but there was no food or any sign that she lived there recently. As if she disappeared a while ago. There are still clothes and many things there so someone is going to check on it if she ever comes back there. We could try to track her down,” she says with a look at Peter, “but this shouldn’t be our priority, only if we have nothing else to do.”

“That’s suspicious but we have other leads,” Peter agrees. “Did she mention a trip last night? I don’t honestly see why she would harm Regulus and work with Sirius. But she didn’t reply to our official calls for information either.”

“Exactly. And how did Sirius know about The Chimera? Why go there if Regulus is already missing? Perhaps Sirius was looking for her. But by the state of her place, she didn’t come back a while ago so we can’t omit that she also a victim of kidnapping.”

James nods. “She did mention that she met Sirius in France during a trip with Regulus and their friends. Though she also implied that she wants Regulus’ child so-”

“She wouldn’t kidnap Regulus for that,” Remus argues with a slight scoff. “Pandora probably meant to joke.”

“But she also didn’t look that worried, did she?” He counters, balancing himself on his chair after grabbing his cup of tea. “She must know more than she told us, otherwise she would be more panicked about Regulus’ whereabouts. Maybe she didn’t kidnap Regulus, but she knows who has him or where he is. We don’t know him but going to the Chimera is incredibly risky considering his parents so maybe Regulus simply ran away.”

“And his parents accused his brother? Do you think Regulus would let them do that to him?”

James shrugs. “I’m only trying to put all our pieces together.”

“She was alone all night, right?” Peter remembers. “Maybe she was the one planning to see Sirius there, but we botched her plan. She immediately left when the whole place got overwhelmed with magic, right? She probably saw that Remus left too, heading in the back after Sirius and took the opportunity to leave.”

“Regulus and Sirius were in contact at some point despite what their parents said, that’s something,” Lily muses. “They might have been met at The Chimera before which would explain why Sirius risked showing up there. But this doesn’t quite make sense if he already has Regulus.”

“And there was another person, right?” James asks with a glance at Remus. “Pandora might not work with Sirius but someone else is. If she doesn’t reappear today, then maybe they took her too.”

“I doubt the Black family would care about her,” Remus comments. “But she could be leverage for Regulus to do as they say— Pandora is honestly full of surprise from what I recall but I can’t see where the abduction of Regulus would help her.”

Lily sighs with an exasperated look at their case board. “We need more information. We have too many-”

A knock interrupts them and Peter straightens up in fear that Crouch Sr., head of the Department of Magical Law Enforcement, storms in to ask for any progress. They have made the mistake to ask him about any whereabouts of his son, since he is apparently friend with Regulus, but it has not pleased him. Peter feels like he is better off as a rat rather than crossing his path again. His son has some criminal records that were better left hidden; probably for his father’s reputation and they have stayed in the dark up until they requested it.

Mary peeks into the room with a curious look before walking in with Marlene. “Hullo,” she greets and pecks Lily. “Didn’t want to interrupt any important business.”

“A break would actually be good,” James cheers. “Hey Marl’, how was your week off?”

Marlene’s hair has been shortened but her wolf-cut is still as perfectly tossed and timeless as ever, freshly bleached. She greets them with a joking regal before her smile grows slyer with her focus on Remus, who quickly catches on but he looks away too late.

“Apparently I missed tons of fun,” she breezily comments as Mary purses her lips to hold back a giggle. “Wanna tell me more about it, Rem’?”

Remus has the kindness to not push them, but he doesn’t hesitate to walk out of the room with a pinched expression and his teacup. Marlene is genuinely surprised and gapes at his exit before taking in their looks.

“He still… He hasn’t digested it,” Lily explains with a soft look.

“What? Is he going to get in troubles?” She asks confused.

James shakes his head. “No, though we didn’t mention it officially. He just likes to be, er, in control. Yesterday wasn’t as enjoyable for him as we thought.”

“Oh. Crap. I better go talk to him then, I only meant to tease.” Marlene quickly walks out with a worried look.

Mary glances at them. “Is he really taking it that badly?”

Lily softly drags her to her desk. “You know him, he overthinks. What is more surprising is that it wasn’t James.”

Mary chuckles. “True.”

“Is everything alright at The Chimera?” Peter curiously asks.

She settles against Lily’s desk. “Yes, well we found out what completely busted The Chimera yesterday. A concentration of magic, harmless but enough to disrupt all the spells we had placed. It’s deliberate. Marlene came back early to help me with checking over things and we also went to check on Valeria. She stayed at home yesterday, completely sick and still is a bit today, though it’s only a harsh cold.”

“Sirius Black didn’t use a Polyjuice potion so hopefully he didn’t cause it,” Lily says. “Remus could see through it and the disillusion charm shimmered off when he— confronted him.” She shots a nasty glare at James’ snort.

“Alright but doesn’t a disillusion charm ask for an accurate idea of what you want to show?” She says with a small frown. “This means Sirius would need to have seen Valeria up close for the charm to be good enough and I talked with him without realizing it wasn’t Valeria. It was a great spell.”

“It’s a bit far stretched but he could have an access to Regulus’ memory, if he did kidnap him,” Peter mentions. “Or anyone else who has seen Valeria might have cast it on him.”

“Like Pandora.”

Mary glances thoughtfully at Lily before bringing up their tangled hands to kiss it. “Well after this we should take a break, you deserve it.”

She sweetly smiles. “Right?”

“Oh, by the way,” she recalls and straightens up with a look at James. “Did you bring Remus’ and your glass back to the bar at some point?”

“Uhm… No.”

She frowns. “Well, I think they were stolen.”

“Really?”

“Yes. You two always take the same drink and depending on the drinks we have specific glasses. It gives us a style, you know? What’s funny is that one of your usual and Remus’ kind of glass vanished yesterday. If it had been just one, I would assume someone broke it and weren’t polite enough to tell us but this is a funny coincidence, isn’t it?”

James nods at her words before his eyes widen and he straightens in his seat. “I left Pandora at the table to look for Remus and our glasses were still there. She might have taken them.”

“What for?”

“They aren’t many things you can do with saliva,” Lily mutters with a squint. “If there is any that isn’t mixed with the drink.”

“She mentioned to us that she works with potion,” he points out before groaning. “Oh Merlin, you don’t think that she would try to make Polyjuice of us?”

Peter widens his eyes at him. “Didn’t Remus say that Sirius and his partner touched his hair— Oh great, he is going to be in a worse mood once he hears this.”

Lily hastily goes through her desk. “We need to warn the Ministry about it. Polyjuice is serious business and if they walk in here looking like either of you then who knows what it would be for! I’m going to report it and you both will need to go through the Polyjuice tests until we catch him.”

James groans out and crosses his arms. Peter glances at him pitifully. These check-outs are annoying but have been so far efficient. Once the Ministry is notified, every time you come in to work you need to meet up with someone ready to quiz you about embarrassing and awful details; things that no one would know about but they have been asked to share to the Ministry with a code, just in case someone has an access to their secrets. If someone is crazy enough to try to come in the Ministry by using Polyjuice, when it has been notified, they have always been caught on the spot.

“Do you really think they would do that?”

“Who knows but like you said, the glasses went missing plus Remus did mention that they took a bit of his hair. That’s too many coincidences and I think we can consider Pandora as Sirius’ accomplice now. It could be someone else who took the glasses but with Pandora disappearing? It’s highly suspicious.”

“We still don’t know who the third person is. But I agree that it’s starting to be a lot for Pandora especially if we can’t find her anywhere at this point,” Peter agrees and leaves his chair to go pick up the letter from the board that he found in Regulus’ room.

“Thoughts?” James asks.

“Do you think the Blacks would have let Pandora in their house?” He wonders with a frown. “You said something about her being a Rosier, didn’t you? They’re Purebloods.”

“She is a what?” Mary gasps. “Rosier as in Evan Rosier?”

“Yeah. She told us that they’re twins but their father only wanted one heir.”

Peter frowns. “But it’s a secret which I doubt the Blacks know about so they wouldn’t let her in, would they?”

James snorts. “I doubt they would like her even if it’s proved. Pandora doesn’t exactly fit in the Pureblood’s tradition and even less the old Blacks, so no they probably wouldn’t like her in their house. Why?”

There is something odd outside from how clean Regulus’ room was, even with the trashing, which he hasn’t paid more attention up until now. It’s only a vague feeling, nothing concrete, and they already have many loose ends that sound more appealing than his dubious idea. Marlene storms in the room, startling them both, and flattens herself against the door she just slammed close.

“Merlin, what is wrong with you?”

“Dorcas Meadowes is right outside,” she hisses out with red cheeks.

Mary bursts out laughing before everyone else follow and Lily shakes her head fondly. “Right. She is apparently one of Regulus’ friend and the only one who replied to us when we contacted them for information about Regulus.”

“She is hot.”

“You can snog her in the interrogation room,” James jokes like the forever wingman he is.

“Can I?!”

“No snogging in there,” Lily argues with a suspicious look at him. “If she is innocent then maybe you can ask her out after this.”

“Are you kidding? I can’t talk to her!”

“That’s true,” Mary wisely reminds. “Remember at Hogwarts? You two just argued all the time like some kind of weird foreplay because you’re a disaster and kept putting your foot in your mouth around her.”

“Oh, like you were any better!”

A knock makes Marlene jumps away from the door and Remus walks in with a curious glance, a half-eaten chocolate frog in hand which is definitely the best kind of apology to him.

“Who is going to talk to Miss Meadowes?”

“I will do it,” Peter offers.

“Pete’, didn’t you have a theory before we were interrupted?” Lily curiously asks.

“I’m not sure, I still need to think about it. Give me some time.”

Remus is in a better mood and glances at him with an approval in his eyes. Peter thinks it’s better that he takes it easy today which is why he offered to do the interrogation.

“Let me join too. She was fun and a menace on the Quidditch’s field,” James says.

“Marl’, did she see you?”

She blinks, clearly anxious with how she twirls a strand of hair around a finger. “I don’t think so… I need to check my hair first before talking to her. She looks amazing.”

Remus snorts at her and returns to his desk. Peter and James leave their office, Marlene trailing behind them with the excuse of going to the bathroom even though it’s an obvious lie. Hopefully, Lily breaks the news of the perhaps-Polyjuice to Remus and he will have the time to digest it. He has always been stricter with himself than anyone else has ever been.

Thankfully, they don’t cross anyone’s path who might question the presence of a civilian back here - though Mary has a pass by being Lily’s girlfriend who is definitely the Auror you don’t want to get on bad terms with. Marlene likes to tell she is their third part of the couple and grates people’s nerves by asking if they are homophobic; most people ignore her now to avoid these awkward moments again.

Dorcas Meadowes is busy knitting in one of the waiting seats. Her fingers are fast and precise which leaves Peter reeling because it looks so easy to her when he can’t even see which hand she has moved. She was already knitting back in Hogwarts, often wearing her own creations which Marlene more than often complained and complimented at once.

“Miss Meadowes, sorry for the wait,” James greets as Marlene slips past behind Peter to look at her. “Thanks for answering the call.”

“Hi, let me just finish this row and I’m all yours,” she replies without disturbing her focus.

“Oh. Yes, of course.”

It takes her mere seconds before she looks up and tidies whatever she is creating, Peter truly can’t tell but the mix of colour is soft, in her bag. He doesn’t remember her much if he is honest, unlike James he has never played Quidditch and only paid attention to it to make him happy, but she hasn’t changed much from the picture found in Regulus’ room.

Her hair appears longer and all her braids are meticulously paired with a few jewelleries. Outside from her coat, everything else she wears appears to have been knitted, and her rings softly chimes together. She is taller than he thought but her eyes are gentler than you would expect from a former Slytherin who used to slam people off their brooms.

She frowns curiously and Peter side-steps to glance at Marlene who stares right back at her.

“McKinnon.”

“Hello.”

Her croaked answer makes James’ lip twitch in a smile. Peter opts to politely look away.

“Were you arrested? I doubt you passed the Auror school, no offense.”

“No offense?” She scoffs back and Meadowes only smiles innocently. “I’m doing great, thank you for asking. I don’t need some silly badge to prove that point.”

“Hey.”

Marlene ignores James. “Still knitting uh? Didn’t grow up from school.”

Peter tries to direct their attention toward the door of the interrogation room but James is enjoying the show as Meadowes straightens up with a scowl.

“At least I know what to do with my hands and that other haircuts exist.”

“Alright!” James interrupts despite the blasphemous gasp Marlene blurts out. “Marl’, you know where the toilets are, right? Miss Meadowes if you don’t mind, we can start now.”

Peter eagerly nods and opens the door for her when Meadowes glances at them with a last check on Marlene. She follows them inside and Peter is about to close the door when he sees Marlene signing at him.

“Ask her if she is single,” she whispers.

She can’t eavesdrop on the room but she will certainly try. Meadowes seems pretty happy with herself because of the small but clear smile despite the setting. Peter briefly studies at her before sitting down.

“Bit weird for a school reunion,” she comments with her eyebrows amusedly raised. “I’m sorry I couldn’t come by before, I have tons of work that I couldn’t cancel until now. That’s why I didn’t reply to your letter before.”

“It’s alright,” he reassures. “You’re actually the only one who replied to our calls.”

“Mh.” She settles in her chair with her bag on the table. “It’s about Regulus, isn’t it?”

Peter nods. Meadowes doesn’t seem surprised or distressed but her expression turns serious.

“We’re looking for him. Which lead us to this picture,” James explains as he brandishes the photo Peter found in Regulus’ room. “We wanted to know if you have any information about him or his brother, if you were still in contact with him before he vanished.”

Peter glances at him with a frown before leaning a bit to whisper. This picture is still on the board in their office which means— “did you duplicate it for the case or for you?”

James shushes him, squinting, and smiles at Meadowes who looks at the picture.

“We were still in contact up until a week ago or so. Regulus might look unfriendly, but he actually likes company as long as you let him be in his little bubble.”

“Do you have any idea of where he might be?” Peter asks. “Or anything about his brother or his abduction?”

She frowns and purses her lips. “If I think Sirius abducted Regulus? I only meet the oldest Black once, so I don’t exactly know him. Though if he is anything like Reg’ then sure he could have kidnapped him, but I don’t see why.”

“Money is often good enough,” he points out.

Meadowes shrugs. “Sure, yeah.”

“You don’t sound convinced.”

“Look.” She slips her hands together on the table. “I really doubt Sirius would actually harm Reg’, especially over money. He never got along with their parents from what I know but he is also not puny enough to use his brother to get back at them.”

James nods. “When did you meet Sirius?”

“Er, last year?” She frowns with a glance at the picture before placing it down on the table. “February something, we went to France. Regulus’ parents sent him there for family tradition or something like that and we all jumped on the moment to go with him.”

“His parents were alright with that?”

She snorts. “No, absolutely not. They didn’t know. We rented a small place all of us outside of Regulus and we helped him ditch his guards most days. That’s how we met Sirius by chance in Paris.”

“Did Regulus know that he might be there?” Peter asks.

“No, or at least he didn’t tell me,” she replies. “At first it was really awkward— frankly, they fought and Reg’ tripped Sirius at some point and they didn’t talk that much. Bit weird to find your brother who was sent to an awful school, ran away from it and was assumed dead.”

James looks at her, obviously trying to find something else. Peter doesn’t think she is lying and the story makes sense with what they have gathered.

“Did they stay in contact after that?”

“No. Regulus didn’t want to risk it or didn’t want to. It’s really messy and with their parents… Well, you must have met them.”

“Charming, yes,” James deadpans and she chuckles.

“Yes, that’s them. From my own point of view, Sirius seemed like a nice guy but very different from Reg’. I think they care for each other but are too— stupid or stubborn to properly act on it.”

Peter glances at the picture. “You don’t believe that Sirius would abduct Regulus?”

“Mh, no.”

“Then where is Regulus now?”

Meadowes isn’t taken by surprise, but she doesn’t talk right away. “I don’t know. I’m ready to help you as much as I can but I honestly have no idea. Last time we talked it was the usual, nothing weird. I learnt about him missing from the newspaper.”

“We believe you.” James smiles. “So, everyone in the picture are still friends with Regulus?”

She nods. “Yup. Though Emmeline wasn’t here but she counts too, even if her career takes all her time.”

“Emmeline Vance?!”

Peter glances at him, surprised. Meadowes proudly grins. “The— Quidditch player?” He clumsily recalls since the only time he learns about the sport is through James’ excited blabbers.

“Yes! And don’t say it with that tone, she is brilliant! One of the best,” he exclaims. “She has been unstoppable since she started— do you think you can get me an autograph?”

“Probably.”

“But… I don’t recall that she played in the Slytherin team.”

“That’s because she never did,” James says and looks even more excited. “This is why she is so famous, she came out from nowhere and trashed everyone. People say she is a whole team just in one body and they are not wrong.”

Meadowes laughs. “She is brilliant. If she had played back at Hogwarts, I’m sure we would have won all the cups.”

“I could keep her in check.”

She rolls her eyes. “You weren’t bad Potter but compared to Emi? You’re nothing. I wish Reg’ went to Hogwarts too because I have never seen a better seeker than him.”

“He likes Quidditch?”

Peter clears his throat, fully aware that he needs to cut him before he gets too far. “So, everyone on the picture plus Emmeline Vance were still in contact with Regulus?”

“Yes. Evan and Emmeline are the only ones his parents somewhat accepted though. Purebloods you know.”

He nods. “About Evan. Is it true that Pandora is his twin?”

Her eyes widen in surprise, taking them in with a dubious squint before exhaling through her nose with a slight smile. “Sounds like you spoke to Pandora. Thought only I answered to the Ministry?”

“We met her by chance at The Chimera actually.”

“Oh. And she told you that she is Evan’s twin?” At James’ nod, she slightly shakes her head and tilts it. “Yup, that’s her alright. If she told you then— yes, that’s the truth. Didn’t think she would flaunt it left and right yet.”

“Are they any proof of that?”

She frowns at Peter. “Why?”

“Er, we need to check the facts. And it’s a bit of a surprise to hear that,” he says as he tries to put his thoughts together. “It’s simply that it’s a big deal for a Pureblood family to suddenly have another child, especially if they were hidden on purpose. We need to investigate everything.”

James shares a glance with him, a proud smile on his face. “Exactly.”

Meadowes looks at them. “Well, Evan did need some proof. He adores Pandora but at first, he was very reluctant to believe her. You have seen her, so picture her coming up to you saying ‘hi, I’m quite certain that you and I have an incredible bond. Actually, you look like my perfect twin’,” she tells with a joyful impression. “This went down horribly for Evan and he did all tests during the spring break of their fourth year. I don’t have them though.”

“So, their father knows?”

“No, no. Evan kept it to himself and us,” she hastily says before glancing them at with steel eyes. “Wait, you didn’t contact the old Rosier about it, did you?”

“No, no,” James promises. “We just wanted to check it and we assumed that it’s something kept hidden. Evan your friend, Rosier, didn’t answer us when we tried to contact him for Regulus so we couldn’t ask him directly.”

Peter still hasn’t concluded to a precise read about her. Underestimating anyone is often a flaw, he tries to get enough information before really drawing a picture of their character. He wants to believe in Meadowes’ words - she is witty and funny but not in a mean way, without needing to take people down with her. She is confident enough to make her words sound like the truth with enough blanks to not feel rehearsed.

“I barely can’t follow all Evan’s life, so I feel for whichever poor unlucky owl has to track him down.”

“Is he travelling for business?”

“Family yes,” she answers. “Though he is trying to put more thoughts into it and do his own side business.”

“He wasn’t in Britain over the last few weeks?”

“Nope.”

James glances at the picture for a second. “What about Barty Crouch Jr.? He is the only one we couldn’t find at all.”

Meadowes’ face ticks completely with a strong rictus but she holds it back before chuckling. She needs a moment before she can articulate a comprehensive word.

“Barty?”

“Yes?”

“You will find him up Evan’s arse.”

Peter freezes and cautiously looks at her amused, yet nonchalant look, before checking on James who is amusedly confused.

“You mean..?”

“I mean it literally and figuratively,” she answers and pushes a strand of hair away. “It’s gotten worse after Hogwarts, or better depends on how you look at it. Anyway, if Evan didn’t get your letter, then Barty probably didn’t either. If he even looked at it. He would rather get a creepy letter of some madman than an official letter of the Ministry, this would make him laugh at least.”

He warily checks on Crouch Jr’s face on the picture. It’s true that he had quite the reputation during Hogwarts as a wild dog that might jump on you out of nowhere. Nothing bad happened, at least officially, but Peter still feels slightly relieved that he never responded to them. If at least Rosier comes with him, which Meadowes sounds certain of, then they might be able to talk to him without many troubles. Though as a Pureblood, Rosier will probably be far shiftier but they are looking for their friend which must mean something.

“Well, you are at least giving us more insight. We were getting desperate,” James says.

She smiles almost softly at them and reaches out to take the picture in hand to look at it. “I’m really not sure whether I can help you out or not. I have been really busy with my work especially with the ball coming up, but I saw the news… I tried to contact him when Pandora didn’t answer me. But his family doesn’t like me, so my actions are limited.”

“Does Pandora usually not answer?”

“Er, well, she likes to speak face to face rather than letters. She often takes it as an invitation, which we never mind, but no, so far nothing. If she went to The Chimera alone, it’s probably because she knew I was busy with work like the everyone.”

“What do you do?” Peter asks curiously. “You host events like a ball?”

“The Noble Ball?” James inquires. “That’s the only ball that I can think of at this time.”

Meadowes nods. “I’m an architect, adept renovator too. I’m working on a old wizard crypt to restore it but I had to work on the ball’s new location for this year. There aren’t many people as good as me, or at least care enough to study the original characteristics of the edifice to work as closely with it. Magic sometimes don’t mix well with old buildings, especially when they were left abandoned for a long time.”

Peter has no idea if she fits the job, but she does sound confident in her knowledge. He doesn’t know much about this field of magic and craft, but he is aware that the Noble Ball is a very big event hosted by Purebloods in the name of ‘history’ and ‘magic’.

“Wouldn’t Rosier be at the Noble Ball?”

“He will be, yes. It’s hosted in only two days but I managed to do my part, that’s the only reason I’m here now,” she explains. “Otherwise, they wouldn’t have let me go until I finished.”

James appears to understand what she means, glancing at Peter. “They try to bring up old vestiges that we lost when most wizards went into hiding because of the witch hunt. This year it’s an old sacred building that was used to concentrate various magical energies— I think. It was only discovered a while ago. My dad was fascinated by the news.”

Peter sometimes forgets that James is a Pureblood, quite famous, since his family seem to barely remember it too. He must have been invited to the event. Some Pureblood witches during Hogwarts tried to get his attention only because of his family. Though at that time he only swooned over Lily until she offered him a chance to realise they are better off as friends.

“That’s right. The building went unnoticed, adopting our strategy of hiding from back then, and it’s only a few years ago that it was found again. As many magic it might have contained, at some point it runs out of it without care,” Meadowes says with an inspired look, probably picturing everything that she did. “I managed to renovate it to something stable but it’s only recently that they decided to transform it into a monument and hold this ball, which asked for more works. Aesthetically and to be sure it’s up to host it. The building could have not reacted well to our current magic.”

“I didn’t realise that it would imply so many parameters,” Peter admits with a thoughtful frown. “And now you have finished it?”

“Decorated and everything for the ball, though they might ask for my service again after that. The ball will have a lot of wizards and witches, even if we won’t be able to bring our wands inside. It might affect some things we better check earlier rather than later… They have invited me to it despite my status as a thank you, but I only want to be sure that they won’t cause anything to my work.”

“No wands?”

James glances at him. “It’s meant to put everyone on the same level, plus you shouldn’t need to use your magic there. I actually think we might have to go to this event as security, but we have been busy with the Black’ case—” he trails off with a frown and glances at Meadowes. “Do you think Regulus’ parents will still attend to the Noble Ball despite their son missing?”

She isn’t impressed, eyebrows raised and eyes empty of humour. “They are definitely coming. It would be a sign of weakness if they don’t. To them— I disagree but what else Purebloods do if it’s not showing off?”

Somehow, it doesn’t surprise him. Purebloods are a weird bunch, but the Blacks might be even more peculiar which Peter has no idea how to deal with.

“So, you have been working on that and a crypt,” he resumes. “And your last contact with Regulus was a week ago or so? A normal one?”

“Yes. Reggie and I were talking about the upcoming ball, plus some gossips about Emmeline. She will come to the ball too so we were wondering how many fans will try to break in.”

James snorts. He seems to trust her and Peter doesn’t find a reason to argue. Though, it would still fit with his theory, which is more convincing minute by minute. Meadowes doesn’t appear to panic about what’s happening to her friend, but she is still anxious and confident. It could be simple: that she believes Regulus can figure a way out from whatever is happening but still worrying about him.

“Alright,” he concedes and retrieves the picture before James can. “Thank you for coming here and talk to us. We are looking for as many information as possible to figure out where Regulus is before it’s too late.”

She smiles, albeit it’s a bit small. “Thank you. Honestly… I feared who might be on the case. But I know you are alright lads. Despite all the pranks during Hogwarts.”

“You can’t blame us,” James cheekily says. “Slytherin is just so easy to trick.”

“Oh, I suddenly remember why I loved playing against Gryffindor— I sent you flying into one of the towers. Good times.” Peter laughs and James doesn’t take offense, joining her joke, as she stands up to slip back on her jacket.

“We will keep you updated if we have any development,” James promises as they lead her out of the room.

“Thank you. And I promise I will talk to Evan and Barty, they will be at the Noble Ball so I will take care of them if they are being difficult with any of you,” she adds. “Though I can promise that if they knew something about Regulus then they would have either brought him back or are trying to do so.”

“Maybe we will see them there too,” James comments. “We might have to attend for security.”

Peter smiles at Meadowes. “Thank you for taking the time to come here.”

“Of course.” She smiles and adjusts her knitted scarf around her neck, eyes curiously wandering around. “I’m curious though— who else became Aurors from our year? Can’t say I expected you two to work here. And that the Ministry would be standing.”

“You can thank Remus for that.”

Meadowes blinks surprised at Peter before chuckling incredulously. “Lupin? How did you drag him there?”

“And Lily too.”

“Well.” She shakes her head. “I hope she doesn’t get too many white hairs because of you three. I wouldn’t stand a day before begging St. Mungo’s to hold me in some kind of room.”

“Don’t worry, she is having fun. Even if she doesn’t admit it.”

They would have probably been good friends with her back then if their houses weren’t so much fighting. Peter can’t deny that they mostly targeted Slytherin, though Ravenclaw and Hufflepuff got their share of pranks too, but more than often they had the most obnoxious and nastiest people that needed to be pushed down from their pedestals. Meadowes was a fury during Quidditch but outside from that she was alright.

She follows them toward the exit, chatting about the recent gossips of Quidditch players with James, but they slow down when they notice the small group in front of their shared office. They have the space to walk past them but they can hear Lily arguing with the Auror and a woman steps up to join the argument. Only one glance is needed to catch on the manic and powerful stance of this witch who only strengthens the fire in Lily’s voice.

“No,” Meadowes weakly blurts out, freezing in her steps, “Merlin and Morgana— bloody not her.”

Peter checks on her, surprised by how pale her dark skin turned, before looking ahead again to be sure that he didn’t imagine this sudden burst of terror. The witch is tall despite of how her shoulders are hunched like a weapon ready to burst. Her hair are deep black, curls taking space with no shame, and her face is so ivory that every features feel like they are aggressive and fighting to get out of there.

“Is that Bellatrix Lestrange?” James whispers in shock.

“This the worst,” she hisses under her breath.

The Lestranges were well-known, but Bellatrix is twice as renowned by being a Black but also rumoured to be the Dark Lord’s apprentice except that they haven’t managed to find concrete proofs yet. Peter doesn’t need them though - a simply look at her clears up any doubts he might have had. Bellatrix is dangerous and by Meadowes’ frightened stance, she knows it.

“Is everything alright?” James speaks up, cutting short the ruckus, as he steps up before freezing. “Snivellus?!”

Severus Snape’s nostrils flare and eyes them with disgust. “Potter. Pettigrew.”

Lily doesn’t seem happy that he is here. He hasn’t changed much with his hair still longer than his chin and looking greasy. It’s not a real surprise that he is beside Lestrange’s side though what for is still unclear. Another woman is at their side with wavy ivory long hair. She looks like like Bellatrix albeit with more manners and with less danger - though it’s probably only an appearance. Peter needs another second before recognizing her as Narcissa Black.

“What are you bloody doing here?” Meadowes spits out.

Snivellus appears surprised of her presence but quickly cover it. Bellatrix steps up, sending the Auror to the back. Peter checks on Meadowes as he sides with James, she is clutching her bag’s handle with a stern face.

Lily steps away from the closed door of their office, to let Remus open it and watch the scene. Snivellus’ face shifts into a sharper disgust at that but Lily shots him a raging glare before shifting it on their colleague. “Auror Lafay suddenly thought that they were in control of our investigations.”

“This is not what I said,” Lafay hisses.

Bellatrix scrutinizes them all with wide, violent eyes. Peter’s training almost leaves him but he stands his grounds - she sees something in him that makes her smile in an unsettling way but he tries his best to ignore the chill running down his spine.

“What do you want?” Remus asks.

“You know what we want,” Lestrange spits.

“Bella— we are here for Regulus,” the softest-looking woman says. “We are family.”

“Miss Malfoy, it doesn’t matter as I just said,” Lily politely replies. “Because of the case and your connection, you can’t be involved except if you have any informations to share with us. Not the other way around.”

“Are you saying that you won’t give us what you know about Regulus?” Bellatrix hisses.

She takes another step and comes too close than needed. Lily squares her shoulders just as Remus slightly puts himself between them and James’ hand fly to his wand. Lafay glances unsure at all of them, clearly starting to realise his mistake.

“It isn’t our choice. It’s the protocol and Ministry’s rules, we do not make them. Even if you were Regulus’ direct parents, we wouldn’t give out any informations. Lafay should have known that when he thought bringing you here was a good idea.”

“Do you even have a lead?” Snivellus asks. His eyes almost soften on Lily but it doesn’t shake off his whole aura.

“Severus,” Lily articulates with a warning look that surprises him, which shouldn’t be one as she buried their relationship back in the middle of Hogwarts. “You are not a part of the Black family, are you? You have no business here.”

“Lil-”

“We are also looking for Regulus,” Malfoy says. “Walburga and Orion told us that you would share what you have so far.”

“We can’t do that,” Remus replies. “No matter who you are. It would interfere with our work.”

Lestrange’ eyes zero on him but he doesn’t show any reaction. Malfoy grabs her before she can make another move. James quickly clears his throat to step in.

“You have to understand that we are doing our best and if we had any clear insights then we would have informed his parents right away.”

Snivellus squints at him and Peter feels like they are back at Hogwarts. “So you have no lead.”

“We do,” Lily cuts in with an impatient sigh. “But it’s protocol that we can’t share it to the public-”

“Public?!” Lestrange hisses. “Who are you to decide that?”

“I understand that you’re scared for Regulus but we can’t do that. It’s not up to us.”

“You filthy liar-”

Lafay hastily walks between them with a sorry look. “Come on, I know you must have something concrete already— they only want to help.”

Peter would have resigned right away if Lily threw this lethal glare at him. Mary and Marlene crept up at the door to see what’s going.

“Do you want a reminder of our rules and why some of them are necessary?” She sweetly cautions him. “Perhaps I should call Alastor Moody to remind them to you.”

“No, no that would be fine,” he quickly says in panic, stepping back under Lestrange’s disbelieving eyes.

Malfoy clears her throat and offers a polite smile. “Then do you have anything about Sirius’ whereabouts?”

Peter doesn’t know if he should be surprised that they walked in here and expecting them to make all their wishes come true. The more he observes them, the less weird it becomes. They stare down at them like they are mere tools, ready to snap to their words. Snivellus has adopted it though he oozes more of sly manipulation rather than a full confidence of being better than all of them compared to the two Black sisters.

“It’s one of our cases too,” Lily replies. “They might be linked so we are looking into both of them, but we are making sure to be thorough and completely objective whether he is involved or not.”

“He is,” Lestrange spits. “Cursed Sirius and his little spineless lunacy.”

Malfoy cooly looks at her before glancing to each of them with an eyebrow continuously rising. “And I suppose you stick to your— rules?”

She smiles back with a sharp edge that could compete with Remus’ when the moon is full. “I’m truly sorry but we wouldn’t to cause problems to our case and risk Regulus’ life.”

Lily’s words appear to seal the deal as Snivellus finally glances away from her. Lafay is still trying to make himself small and would probably take any chance to flee from the scene. Marlene and Mary stay behind Lily and Remus, glancing at James and Peter - who only remembers now that Meadowes is still right behind him. She is on high alert by the look of it as her eyes stay sharp on the three of them.

“Listen, it’s very thoughtful of you to come all the way here to try to— help,” James articulates with a wary glance at Snivellus. “But we promise we will contact you once we have progress. For now, we should get back to work. Lafay do you help to lead them outside?”

“No, no.”

“I told you,” Lestrange snaps at his sister who doesn’t even flinch at her sudden turn. “They are useless.”

“Bella,” she admonishes. “Enough.” as I do Cissa, Sirius has always been the runt of our family without a proper fight in his bones. If he had any sense into him, he would have not known that he was better off dead-”

Lily frowns at her but the two sisters are in their own world. Snivellus appears to know to not step in and Peter swiftly turns away from his eyes. He can picture what he would like to say, and he doesn’t need any of it.

“Erm, if you don’t m-”

“I need no one to track down this filthy blood traitor,” she spits but contrary to her previous fury, she is now animated with some psychotic glee.

“Bella!” Malfoy exclaims, losing a bit of her composure which she tries to cover but her eyes betray her by glancing at them.

“Do not worry sweetie, I will correct his mistake. This coward always grovelled when I faced him.”

“Are you implying that you will go after Sirius Black?”

Peter glances at Remus and Meadowes abruptly steps at his side as if ready to jump in a potential fight. Lestrange doesn’t appear fazed by his words, but she does slowly turns with eyes probing at him with no shame. To everyone’s disbelief, she smiles but it’s anything but one.

“You. You smell— funny.”

Remus holds his ground, but Peter can see the shift in his shoulders. He is himself on his guards and he can see how James takes a grip of his wand from his back pocket just as Lily’s face morphs to her serious blank expression that she uses for any fight.

“Bella,” her sister cuts with her delicate visage shifting through a quick and painful looking flashes of emotions; her eyes stay strong to look at all of them though. “We shall go now. We’re slowing them down.”

She tugs on Lestrange’s arm before turning to Lafay who straightens up, spluttering, and directs them to the exit. Peter and Meadowes steps away to clear their path. Thankfully, they all follow Malfoy’s lead though Lestrange shoots them a last look, pausing on Remus.

Peter tries to not flinch or show any other reaction when Snivellus’ head dives to whisper to him. “Still a stooge?”

It doesn’t even last a breath but it’s enough for him to feel like rushing away as a rat to disappear for a while. He never thought they would ever cross paths but somehow it makes sense to considering that Snivellus obviously plunged headfirst to the dark arts and their promised leader— a path that Peter had considered at the end of Hogwarts.

“Peter?”

“What?” He blinks furiously, trying to shake off the vivid memory of meeting with Snivellus and hear all his promises: power and control.

James frowns at him worriedly, Remus is by his side with a glare shifting from their retreating figures to him with an anxious purse of his lips. Lily is less kind with a thunderous expression, but she drops it once they must disappear to look join their concern. Peter swallows and shakes his head.

“Did he say anything to you?”

“Nothing.”

“Pete’…”

“Just the usual insult, only took me by surprise.”

Lily is sorry and the slight melancholy is quick but noticeable. Peter doesn’t hold it against her, none of them are, and Mary quickly slips in to grab her hand. Snivellus was an important friend to her who, she always insisted, became a completely different person once they started attending Hogwarts.

“That was… something,” Marlene says. “Did she smell you like some kind of pervert?”

Remus’ face hardens and glances at her before dropping to the floor. “She probably tried to scare me.”

“Purebloods are bloody freaks,” she replies with a snort before looking at James. “And don’t think you’re out of this category yet, who knows what you will ask as a thank you if you save Reg-”

“Hey!”

“Regulus?” Meadowes interrupts with a frown and surprises most of them. “What did I miss?”

James glances at Peter for some help, as Remus steps back in their office by himself, but Lily is faster with her roll of eyes.

“He was smitten by a portrait when we went to talk to his parents. Don’t worry though, we know how to deal with his usual show.”

“I-”

“He talked about it for hours and I’m surprised he didn’t speak about it in his sleep.” Peter glances at Meadowes who looks deeply amused.

“For little Reggie, uh?”

“I think that’s sweet,” Mary encourages as James turns redder, clears his throat and slips back in their office.

Lily laughs and smiles at Meadowes. “Anyway, sorry about— this. We usually like to keep this kind of chaos when we invite a witness over. Thank you for coming.”

She appears to recall of who were just here because her smile isn’t fully up. “It’s my pleasure. Really. Anything to help Reggie… Though I’m not sure on how much I managed to help.”

“You did,” Peter confirms. “We aren’t asking for the world really. But you certainly helped clear us a path toward a solution.”

Her surprise is quickly replaced by a small grin when she nods. “That’s great. I should go, I still need to check on that ball to prepare backups to not have any more crazy Purebloods breathing down my neck.”

“Ball? What ball?” Marlene asks, taking in a second before realising that she spoke directly to her.

The blush that overcomes her face appears to please Meadow as she nonchalantly crosses her arms. “The Noble Ball.”

“Wha- you are dating one of these stuck-up Purebloods?!”

“Well, you can say that it is a date, yes.”

Lily takes in the wide eyes of Marlene before quickly smiling to Meadowes with a sign. “Let me walk you out, we don’t want to bother you anymore.”

“Thank you,” she says with a smile and look at the rest of them. “And it was a nice reunion. Goodbye.”

Marlene glares at her with her cheeks still flushed but she doesn’t speak. Peter watches her, exchanging an amused glance with Mary, as Lily walks with Meadowes toward the exit.

“She has a date,” Marlene hisses under her breath. “Bloody— slag.”

“Marl’ come on.”

“And she said it on purpose! Did you see that? She is mocking me! What is even that stupid ball uh?”

“I really don’t think she meant it like that-”

Mary clears her throat. “Did she help?” She quietly asks.

Peter purses his lips and glances at the office’s door before opening it for them. “Well, she said that Regulus was like usual before the kidnapping,” he explains and closes the door after himself. “And that she has big doubts that his brother would do it. They aren’t close but she doesn’t believe that Sirius would use him.”

“And that’s— good?”

“It’s something.”

“It probably means that something else is going on,” James says from his desk and Remus mirrors him but appears deep in his thoughts. “If she is telling the truth but we can’t be sure of that.”

Marlene’s arms are crossed and her frown deepens as she scans the room. “She isn’t really the type to… lie. I mean not for something serious at least, right?”

Mary softly smiles at her. “She has always been rather fair even back at Hogwarts.”

Peter sees that the picture of Regulus and his friends are still on their case board, which means the one he took is probably a duplicate James made - they have done it before to use it depending on the situation plus who they met with and hopefully James only did it with that idea in mind. He returns it.

James grins at him and folds it. “Just now, it was really weird, wasn’t it? Snivellus? Did he know that we were the one on Regulus’ case?”

“He was following the Blacks,” Remus dryly comments. “I doubt he has a say.”

“Alright but that confirms that the Blacks are on the side of that lunatic high on dark magic?” Marlene asks. “Snivellus obviously is into that but what does it mean about the rest of them?”

“Do you think Regulus is like them?” Mary anxiously whispers.

“I would assume he got kidnapped by people like them to be honest,” James says. “Who knows what really is happening in their family.”

“Their house is full of dark magic,” Remus recalls. “I’m sure we all felt it.”

Lily is probably fishing for more information since she hasn’t returned yet. The exit isn’t that far. Peter returns to his desk because his mind keeps running around - what if it’s all orchestrated? There have a wide array of options here but there are elements that keep surfacing without quite making sense. He could picture all of it and perhaps Snivellus is right— Peter hasn’t changed from his Hogwarts’ days. This could all be some kind of dream that he might have found something before any of his brilliant friends did.

“I recalled something,” Mary says, glancing between James and Peter who quickly tries to smile encouragingly. “When I explained the glasses missing to Remus, he mentioned that someone else was there, right? They must have used the back door which means they are familiar with The Chimera— but I got notified whenever someone use it. Sirius slipped in with everyone for the shift, his accomplice probably did too. But why did they come?”

“Well, you just said that Remus’ glass and mine went missing so it’s probably to use something of us, isn’t it?”

“But the person who joined Sirius, it wasn’t Pandora, was it?”

“No.”

“Right so let’s say Pandora took your glasses, weird, but we aren’t sure she works with them either. Maybe she wants to copy one of you to look for Regulus.”

Remus sighs. “It would make sense. That would be an idea of her.”

“Alright. Well, I didn’t think it would be relevant because nothing was stolen but something went missing in one of our changing rooms.”

Peter frowns. “Really?”

“Money?” James asks.

“No. A bag.”

“What bag?”

“That’s the thing,” Marlene replies, sitting on Peter’s desk. “No one knows what that is. No one. But we knew it was there.”

“Did you check it?”

“Of course, we did. It was nothing special, clothes, personal items. Which didn’t seem cursed or be hiding anything else,” Mary explains. “But we still had no clue whose it was. So, we thought that someone forgot it - you know Sal is at the other side of the world to catch a break? We figured he forgot his bag, that’s his style.”

“So, you left it.”

Marlene nods. “Yes, it’s been like at least a month? It fits with Sal forgetting a bag or whatever. But then I remembered that someone was waiting for Pelkie: Barty Crouch Junior.”

James leans in his seat with a frown. “He was in the back? By himself?”

“It’s not that weird,” Mary mentions. “I mean, he is a regular like the rest of Regulus’ friends so it’s not a stranger in our eyes. He chats and flirts with a lot of people. Pelkie probably wanted to shag him that’s why he was brought in the back, it’s not unusual. Plus, we have spells to protect our stuff and I would felt it if one charm was broken.”

“He is the one who left a bag?” Peter asks. “You wouldn’t have felt that. It’s not changing any spell.”

“That’s what we think,” Marlene confirms as Mary nods. “I needed to pick something up and that’s how I found him sitting there. He seemed normal so I never thought about it until now.”

“Did you ask Pelkie about it?”

“They didn’t shag in the end. I remember because I asked Pelkie the next day how was it but they said that Barty’s boyfriend showed up out of nowhere, so they flew before getting sucking into their fight.”

“You think it was Barty who was with Sirius?”

“Well, the bag is nowhere to be seen now.”

“That’s what they were looking for,” Peter realises.

James frowns. “So, Barty is helping Sirius? But you checked the bag, didn’t you? You would have known if it was magical items or potions. They are bound to be noticeable at some point.”

Lily walks in their office and glances at all of them before frowning on Mary who smiles at her. “Hey, what did I tell you about not playing Aurors?”

“We’re helping!”

“You would be stuck without us,” Marlene scoffs, crossing her arms.

“We might all get in trouble for that.”

“Who cares?” James says. “Didn’t you see what happened Lil’? They are hunting Sirius down and I’m really worried about what will happen if one of them gets his hands on him. Even his parents asked us to kill him. This wanted poster isn’t because they worry about Regulus, is it? They want to get rid of Sirius even though we don’t know why he would even kidnap his brother.”

She shakes her head with a deep sigh. “I’m perfectly aware of that. And it’s exactly why I think we need to be more careful than we ever were. If we are dealing with dark wizards— then we have to be cautious because we don’t know who we can trust! Am I the only one realising that the supposed better wizards are all into the dark arts?”

“Love-”

“We can’t attack them directly if it comes to that point. Look at Lestrange— she sounds bloody insane but somehow, it’s Sirius Black who is the problem in their family? He ran away and if it’s because he isn’t like them then we must help. I wouldn’t be surprised if their parents actually have Regulus hostage somewhere-”

“I don’t think they do.”

To Peter’s relief, Lily doesn’t seem pissed at him but she is puzzled. They are all looking at him, curious and probably trying to figure out everything that she just said and what he might said. He swallows a knot in his throat.

“Pete’, what’s on your mind?” Remus asks.

His exhale finally lets his words come together. “I think this is a set-up.”

“For what?” She asks.

“Maybe I’m— I’m overthinking.”

“No, no, go on,” Lily insists with a small smile as she steps to her desk.

Peter gnaws on his bottom lip before he steps up to their case board to take the letter. “This. I found this in his room, right? The one perfectly clean of his magic and trashed, by his parents from what the house-elf muttered. But this was perfectly untouched and you would only need to open a drawer, not locked, to see it.”

“His parents would have found it.”

“Yes exactly. But it was the only letter that you could found, which is weird, because we know that they wouldn’t have approved of The Chimera so why was this letter around? Meadowes said that Regulus and she wrote, which means there must be other letters but better hidden or thrashed,” he flatters off, realising that everyone is staring at him. James nods with a small smile and Peter takes a proper breath. “I think it’s supposed to be a hint for us.”

“To go to The Chimera?” Mary wonders. “Why?”

“Er…”

Only Lily knows that James and he are animagi and Remus’ condition, which is an advantage for this kind of case but now he can’t really say that the Blacks never allowed them up in his room so Peter sneaked around. This also confuses his story because how come the letter was there at the right time when it had to be hidden from his parents?

“It’s the place Regulus and his friends have in common,” Remus mutters. “They must have felt safe and met up there. Without it we wouldn’t have known where to look for any of his friends, even when we got the picture.”

“The picture wasn’t as hidden,” Peter explains. “It’s the house-elf who brought it up, cursing over it about Regulus’ friends and their bad influence. This elf is the only one who would know all his secrets and I think that he hide them from his parents.”

“So he would have left it for us?”

Peter nods, meeting Lily’s frown with the hope that she understands that the elf must have known he was around as a rat. House-elves are often underestimated which is probably why their magic is more than often a mystery. But surely, he must have known and left it there for Peter to see them? Maybe he heard his scramble with that black cat outside when he tried to find a way in.

“What does it mean? The house-elf is the one who is behind all of it?” Marlene asks with a tilt of her head. “Does that mean it’s a fake lead or a real one?”

“I think Regulus ran away and that his house-elf knows where he is but can’t speak to his parents, or don’t want to. He must have known that we were going to come and prepared this for us. Even if I haven’t found them, he could have slipped in one of our pockets.”

“And Regulus framed his brother?”

“No, I think Lily is right,” he says. “They are trying to get rid of Sirius but think about what Meadowes said!”

“Er, they fought?” James recalls. “That she thinks they care about each other but don’t know how to?”

“Don’t you think Regulus would have asked Sirius, who already ran away before, for help? What business does Sirius have to come back here? He must have known how his family would react but the only reason he might be here, especially if they only reconnected last year, is his brother.”

“This would fit,” Lily admits with a frown. “It’s true that the letter and the picture are important. His parents would have taken them either to destroy it or— they would have gone after Regulus’ friends but they came here which means they have no clue on what’s going on.”

Peter nods. “Regulus covered his tracks by cleaning his magic, probably with his house-elf’s help. His magic must be at least somewhat compatible with his parents, which can be partly used to find his, but it’s not as effective as the original magic,” he explains. “His parents wouldn’t have done that.”

“But this doesn’t clear out the possibility that his parents kidnapped him,” Remus points out. “It could be so we can’t track him down because they are hiding him too… But it wouldn’t explain his brother coming here. They wouldn’t contact him. The letter and picture could have been anything else to lead us to the family rather than his friends.”

James nods. “Peter’s theory is the most plausible one when you take everything in consideration. But then— if the house-elf wanted us to find his friends… Doesn’t that mean they are hiding Regulus?”

“Everything that Meadowes said make sense, but she never gave too many details. I think she lied and told the truth here and there. It’s only a vague idea but considering Pandora, and now Barty, plus what she said— there is definitely too many coincidences.”

“The house-elf knows that Regulus ran away but he doesn’t tell his parents, instead he helps us to know where to look for him,” Lily resumes. “But if Regulus is with his friends, why would he need us to check after him? Why not leave us without any hints if he means to help Regulus? Telling his parents would have brought it home.”

Peter blinks and turns back to the case board. “I’m not sure…”

No one seems to have an idea which he supposes is not so bad or good. It’s still a fresh case, albeit urgent considering it’s still an abduction case, and they are considering different options with as much proofs as they have but it’s not enough. Peter is still pleased that his hypothesis isn’t as crazy as he thoughts.

“Well, I vote for Peter’s case,” Marlene declares. “It’s the most interesting one. Plus, I don’t want Regulus to be saved if he is a piece of work like that crazy woman.”

Mary laughs along with James and Lily chuckles with a shake of her head.

“We don’t vote and I already told you that you don’t work here!”

“I could but I’m not a prick.”

“Thanks.”

“It was easy for you James, you were already a pain in the arse back in school.”

He flips her off and she returns it.

“I agree though,” Remus says, looking at Peter. “What you said makes sense and could link everything together.”

“Meadowes was very spooked by Lestrange being here,” James says. “She must have known her, either from Regulus or Sirius. This totally fits with the idea that she is hiding Regulus with the rest of them.”

“You are brilliant Pete’, this actually clears up a lot of things,” Remus says with a smile that almost swipes off his tiredness. “The Chimera, the reason behind it and— erm, anyway. What do we do? Do we still try to find Regulus?”

Lily loudly breathes in. “I like this theory but what if he is running away from something specific like his family? And there is still people going after Sirius. If all of this is because they are trying to survive then— we have to help.”

“Of course.”

“Yes.”

“I think something might happen at the Noble Ball,” Peter admits. “They are all going to be there. Meadowes, Rosier with Crouch Jr, even Vance.”

“James, aren’t you invited to that?” Marlene asks.

“Hum, yeah. My parents too but they are still out of the country. And we might work as secu-”

“I’m going to be your date.”

“What?”

She jumps off Peter’s desk. “I want to see who is Meadowes’ date plus this whole case? Lil’ is right, it stinks. So better have more on your side than none.”

“Marl’, you won’t be able to bring your wand.”

“I have a mean hook. And if you get in my way, I will punch you too James.”

He raises his hands apologetically with a chuckle. “Fine, fine. I will be your wingman.”

Lily rolls her eyes at them two. “I really don’t think you realise what’s going on.”

“We do!”

Remus clears his throat with a frown. “Maybe… We should keep an eye on Meadowes.”

“Are you worried that she might disappear like Pandora?”

“She can’t miss out on the ball,” James points out. “She helped make the whole thing and she seemed to really care about it.”

“No. I mean it about her reaction with Lestrange. If they are running after Regulus and Sirius, who knows if they might not go after her,” Remus explains. “We didn’t say anything about her, but Lafay might have mentioned it if he saw the logs.”

“They might try to make her speak,” Lily realises. “Crap, I didn’t think of that— I will ask Frank and Alice to watch over her. You’re right. They gave me the creeps just by coming here.”

Peter glances at Remus, remembering that how Lestrange smelt him like some kind of beast. His friend avoids his eyes.

[bluelockednyx]

"sae picked up his attitude from somewhere-" lmao, i got to say i burst out laughing at that cause though his attitude is something, what kind of place did he as a child get that from...?

that aside, itoshi parents being emotionally distant seems to support the fact that sae and rin kinda filled up that role for each other? That's maybe why the first thing sae did after coming back from spain was rushing to meet and talk to rin (tho he did a shitty job of communication). I assumed that sae wanted to fully pursue his dream and in order to do that, he had to level with his brother to cut loose of any hesitation or guilt or whatever, and when that didn't go well (blame yourself, sae), he said to himself, 'lukewarm', sae was the one being lukewarm

btw, the current arc is almost at its peak, what is your thoughts or predictions so far? i think kaneshiro wanted isagi to go through a training arc and in the end, he can finally beat rin to fulfill his monologue in the shoe-lacing chapter

have a nice day!

Right?? He was such a rude little shit as a kid. And he couldn't have been more than like, eight, at the time.

Yeah, the Itoshi parents being emotionally distant feels that way to me, and thus far the manga's depictions support it. Neither of them even turned up for the huge Blue Lock vs U20 match, despite how both Rin and Sae were there. It's genuinely a little sad.

Rin and Sae were very emotionally dependent on each other, Rin moreso than Sae because he's younger and Sae took care of him. It's both sweet and heartbreaking that Sae's first move, after returning from Spain, is to go to the youth team's fields and find Rin. Sae actually parallels Reo somewhat in that specific scene, as he was trying so hard to live the scraps of his dream through Rin, which is so strongly opposed to the narrative themes that there was no other way for that particular conversation to go but down, from a writing perspective. (also, compelling angsty sibling drama lmao). At the heart of Sae's character is the tragedy of being so close yet so far to his OG dream, and I'm really excited for when he returns to the main story.

BM sweep, more because I don't see Ubers winning, as so far they are working fairly rigidly in accordance to Snuffy's strategies with a huge lack of thinking for yourself in there. How well can you perform, as an egoist, when you're mostly following someone else's orders? Though I would argue that given how, well, untrained Blue Lock generally is where defense is concerned, it feels more like Ubers is training the defenders to actually get used to defending, while letting Barou run wild.

Though who, exactly, gets that last goal is still up in the air, I would like it to be Isagi, but the payoff is sweeter if he beats both Kaiser and Rin in that final PXG match. I personally think it would be extremely fun if the last goal winds up going to someone no one expected: Hiori. But that's because I love chaos.

And yes. Final training arc for BM before Isagi faces off against Rin in the PXG match. We might get a cut of PXG facing off against Barcha, and Manshine against Ubers while their matches are going on during BM's week off, and I really want to see Nagi vs Barou.

[cheriipop]

I’m obsessed with fiction and outlandish things so much to the point where I try to apply it to everyday life, I think purely just because of the mental conditions I experience along with the insane circumstances I’ve been apart of, that my existence is somehow something of fiction. There is clearly something fundamentally wrong with how I am, often to my closest friends telling me that they don’t even view me fully as human because of just how strange everything about me is. I think I lack things that make up a human as I find it increasingly harder to relate to them, I know everything a human wants or needs, why logically they might do something but I’ll maybe never know why they do things out of intense emotions as its just something I’ve never experienced, I can understand from a third person view but I can never put myself in their perspective. This thought was actually inspired because I told my friend that I relate heavily to denji, and makima (I’m a very contradictory person I know) and they really don’t like denji, and I think it’s kind of a human thing not to or to at least not understand him. lol I’m basically leaking my core beliefs because of kin lists this is so stupid. I remember they said they heavily relate to makima which is just painfully wrong, they don’t have much media literacy. Ironically enough given my circumstances I feel like appealing to people and finding what they want is really easy and comes naturally. I’ve had people tell me that i’m really good at talking about emotions and problems with others and helping them despite not really knowing my own. Everything about me I don’t understand, I don’t know my own emotions and they always feel fuzzy, there’s a small amount of emotions that I feel strongly (fear, anxiety, nervousness, rage) I try to lean towards rage as its the only emotion that I can feel strongly that doesn’t make me feel incredibly uncomfortable. But I never know what my actual reasons for doing something are, my brain likes to tell me that everything I do and say is a lie even when i’m completely alone. While I can draw conclusions that sound clear, I never actually feel satisfied with the answer and can never truly resonate with it. Everything I do is an enigma to even myself. I handle my own issues and state of being by just gaslighting myself into believing whatever I want, sometimes I shape my core beliefs around them if it means protecting myself or others. My core beliefs feel temporary when I say that but they usually come back around, eventually I’ll stop caring about whatever it was and go back to a neutral state of mind while keeping in the back of my head whatever it was so I hopefully never make the mistake again. I think a reason why I love fiction so much is because I can view characters so out of the norm, almost delusional and find something to relate to. I like having those I can relate to for whatever reason. I only have one person in my life that I can actually somewhat relate to and it’s nice but our circumstance together also just lead me more into fictional thoughts. It’s nice reading characters I relate to and knowing the author probably harbors some of the same feelings, I got a crush on fujimoto he can fix me. I think one of the biggest things I wish I had was the feeling of importance or surprise I guess for others or events. My memory is really terrible so I often forget important moments in my life or with others, or they might tell me something that should logically be a huge deal to me or something basically life changing and I don’t feel anything from it. I only feel something if it fits the emotion of fear. Sometimes I wish I could witness someone die to see if I would feel something intense that will actually stick with me, I wouldn’t actually want someone to die but it’s a thought I sometimes exercise.

[highnoteblog]

In “If I Believe You”, The 1975’s Matt Healy Can Talk to God

by Ashlee Baritugo

Consider English pop rock band The 1975 safe from the “sophomore slump” in I like it when you sleep, for you are so beautiful yet so unaware of it (2016), the band’s second studio album released in 2016. Nestled right in the middle of the 75-minute album is the track “If I Believe You”, in which frontman Matt Healy ponders, questions, and puts on a one-sided confrontation with God and religion over a synth-pop, jazzy beat and, more uniquely, the chorus of a choir.

Healy introduces the six-minute track with the confession: there’s a God-shaped void he’s terrified of. Starting slowly with minimalistic instrumentals over Healy’s emotive vocals in the beginning of the song, the first few minutes of the track open as an invitation for listeners to join in on the raw introspection of faith and doubt that the rest of the song has them in for.

Eerily resemblant of jazzy gospel music, “If I Believe You” proves the power beyond lyrics, as the irony of its gospel-like sound as well as the consistent, powerful presence of a choir compliments Healy’s back-and-forth with God and his lack of belief throughout the track. The drum beats are slow and steady, restrained yet impactful as drummer George Daniel keeps it at a consistent yet crucial mood. The track’s guitar (Adam Hann) and bass (Ross MacDonald), while subtle, offer a foundational and grounding structure to the instrumentals that set the tone. 

“And if I believe You / Will that make it stop? / If I told You I need You / Is that what You want? / And I'm broken and bleeding / And begging for help / And I'm asking You Jesus, show Yourself,” Healy pleads in the chorus. It’s in the chorus that we begin to hear the gospel choir enter at just the right times, adding a rich and powerful emphasis behind its brave questions. The intensity of the choir even varies throughout the song, making for an almost transcendental – even spiritual – atmosphere behind the vulnerability of its lyrics and Healy’s raw vocals. Somehow, the consistent presence of the backing choir as Healy questions religion adds a fervent throughout the song.

Halfway into the song and it begins to feel as if listeners are simply just listening in on Healy’s one-sided conversation with God. “I mean if it was You who made my body / You probably shouldn’t have made me atheist,” Healy declares in a later verse. 

This poignant track isn’t quite new to the award-winning band’s small collection of songs about faith and religion, as the award-winning band had previously released songs surrounding the same topic, like “Antichrist” from their debut self-titled album. Healy, who was born and raised by popular British actors Denise Welch and Tim Healy, is known to be steadfast on his religious perspectives, openly identifying as atheist and unabashedly discussing religion in previous interviews. Written solely by Healy himself, “If I Believe You” is a testament not only to his long-time debate with faith, but also to a somewhat vulnerable desperation that comes with the absence of it. He’s desperate for answers, broken and bleeding, even angry, and the intensity of this desperation throughout the track is a presence undeniable. 

Smooth, soulful, and in perfect timing, saxophonist John Waugh enters with a beautiful instrumental after the last chorus that’s just as powerful as the lyrics themselves, transitioning the song into its outro. Almost as if in defeat, the track closes with the repetition of just one line: “If I'm lost, then how can I find myself?” Healy begs. The song, while spent in a back and forth with God, faith, and purpose, intense in some parts and soft in others, is over. After the daring and brazen questions we hear throughout the song, it’s in the repetition of this line that we feel the surrender. Healy still doesn’t have the answers, and the God-shaped hole he sings of in the intro is still there. This confrontation with God was one-sided, and six minutes later, is over.

[xxsycamore]

Hi! Can I please request Chevalier x MC #18 (nipple play) and quote #21? Thank you so much! 💖

Thank you so much for requesting me! I figured I could make this one a bit more romantic, so Chevalier is not as merciless in this one (Or is he?). I hope you like it, dear! 

- KINKTOBER DAY 18 - Seduction [ CHEVALIER/MC SMUT ] 

Rating: E

Word count: 1,686

Relationship: F/M; Chevalier Michel/MC (Emma)

Tags:    Nipple Play; Nipple Licking; Fondling; Size Difference; slight size kink; Slight primal kink; Teasing; Dirty Talk; Lingerie

Check my masterlist here! You can also find all my works on AO3 under user xsycamore.  In my profile you can find my Ko-fi if you would like to support me!

Written for my Visions of Temptation Kinktober 2021 challenge. [DAY 1] [DAY 2] [DAY 3] [DAY 4] [DAY 5] [DAY 6] [DAY 7] [DAY 8] [DAY 9] [DAY 10] [DAY 11] [DAY 12] [DAY 13] [DAY 14] [DAY 15] [DAY 16] [DAY 17]

DAY 18 - Nipple play + “Does it feel that good? You’re trembling, you know.”

Emma feels a cold shiver run down her back as she stares at the exquisitely packaged supply of new clothes.

When Rio said it is a good idea to freshen up her wardrobe with new nightgown additions, Emma thought nothing about it. Sure, it had something to do with the fact that from now on she would be sharing a room with Chevalier, after the latter claimed her as his lover. Emma wasn't sure what's so bad about her current choice of nightwear, but decided to go with it. She even let Rio choose for her.

Which was a major mistake, she now discovers.

Lifting off the first item in the package by its straps, Emma examines it with pure shock. What is this flimsy, tenuous thing?! It's true that nights tend to be hot this time of the year and sheer fabrics are to be preferred, but this…

Emma shakes her head and puts the thing to the side, moving on to the next.

It's even worse. The delicate lace runs up to chest area and engulfs it completely, putting everything underneath on display. No. Definitely no.

The next one is quite similar, this time coming in a provocative shade of red. Emma puts it down on the pile without even unfolding it to spare a glance.

She briskly empties out the contents of the package, confirming her worst fear. They're all like that.

Getting off the bed with a hand over her mouth, she stares down at the articles scattered across the large king-sized bed in Chevalier's room. Which is now their room. Speaking of him, Emma darts her gaze to the clock, checking how much time she has before he comes back. She just has to pay a short visit to her own chambers, to retrieve one of her…normal nightgowns, and shove these at the bottom of some drawer.

Tidying them up and going back to the very first one of the bunch, she decides to give it a chance after all and put it on. Maybe it would look somewhat proper once it's on her.

 Looking at the person in the mirror, Emma refuses to meet her own gaze. She's fond of her own naked forms enough, but looking at them, she looks from her lover's perspective. He would see just what she sees, in its full suggestiveness. Sleeping naked sounds better than this, even. At least her birthday suit is something Chevalier has already seen her in…

A knock on the door interrupts her worrisome thoughts. Placing a hand over her startled heart, she speaks up.

"Who is it?"

A familiar voice answers from the other side.

"It's me. Who else do you expect in this hour?"

It's Chevalier. It's nice to see that he remembered to knock altogether, but it doesn't make the situation any better.

"I'm changing. Can you please give me a minute?"

Without waiting for a reply, Emma strides to the wardrobe and puts on the first vest that comes before her eyes. She blows out most of the candles in the room just in time to hear Chevalier's raised voice.

"And wait in front of the door like a servant? I'm coming in. Just turn around, I won't be looking."

The door creaks open as he enters, at first taken aback by the lack of light in the room. The moon is almost full, allowing him to see just fine once his eyes get used to it. His gaze still lowers as a sign that he keeps his promise of not looking at Emma. Only, Emma is not amid changing at all. He stares at her standing in the middle of the room, huddled into a vest as if she is cold or something. She manages a smile, albeit an awkward one that only leaves room for more suspicion.

"Welcome back, Chevalier."

He walks to her, holding her gaze until he is close enough that she has to raise her chin in order to continue looking at him.

Chevalier remains silent as he uses the thumb of one hand to stroke across her cheek, in an almost soothing manner. It disappears quickly as the same hand comes lower, gripping the clothing draped around her shoulders and briskly pulling it off her.

His expression changes to subtle perplexing upon the revealed sight. Then it changes again, to one of satisfaction.

Emma still tries to hug her arms around her frame, but is stopped by Chevalier. She discovers the smirk on his face and pales up.

"It's not-"

"You needn't excuse yourself. I'm pleased with your choice. Though your boldness is surprising."

His hand returns to caress over her chin, this time sliding underneath it in order to make her look up. She should know by now to recognize the gesture as a signal for an upcoming kiss, yet still the soft gasp leaves her lips once Chevalier claims them.

The kiss is sweet and it's so easy for her to lose track of how they move to the bed. Emma finds herself situated atop of Chevalier's lap, thankfully facing away once their kiss ends. Feeling his chest pressed up against her tiny backside, Emma is glad that the spreading blush on her cheeks remains a secret. It's also too much to look him in the eye right now that she is close enough for the clothing on her to be seen for all it is.

Chevalier's hands come to rest upon her knees, thumbs nudging in the hem of the nightgown. He slowly slides his hands upward, taking the fabric along as more and more of her tights are exposed for him. Emma bites on her bottom lip, spreading her legs instinctively until they fall off the sides of Chevalier's own. He is only ready to make use of the newly discovered territory as he runs his fingernails over the paper-thin skin of her inner tights. Emma shivers whole, the touch almost tickling her as she fights not to let out any naughty noises so early on. It's hard to do so.

Trying to predict his moves proves to be futile, as instead of slipping into her panties, Chevalier continues running his hands upwards. He follows the curve of her waist on both sides, until he suddenly gropes her breasts.

"Ah-"

Any efforts not to moan go to waste as Chevalier breathes out a chuckle of satisfaction. His warm hands hold her breasts up for a second before gently releasing them. He can sense the way Emma takes in a large portion of breath and her ribcage expands underneath his hands, and it stirs something primal within him. She is so lovely like this, small and fragile in his arms, all his. And yet she still dares to seduce him using such cheap tricks as sexy lingerie, as if he doesn’t already want her enough. It's the bravery of it that turns him on the most.

Emma feels a jolt running thought her as Chevalier's fingers graze her nipples. He strokes his fingerpads across them, bringing them to full hardness in mere seconds. The sheer fabric of the clothing only emphasizes the feeling, resulting in a string of pleasure-fueled noises escaping from Emma. Chevalier never ceases his movements, now rolling her taut peaks between his index fingers and his thumbs, pulling on them repeatedly.

“Does it feel that good? You’re trembling, you know. Do you enjoy having your nipples played with so much?"

Emma grips whatever happens to be on the way of her hands, the bedsheets, Chevalier's thighs, as she mutters out her answer.

"Yes, I love it. I want more, please!"

"Turn around to face me and put your hands around my neck."

Emma's half-lidded eyes open again as she hurries to comply, looking forward to the next part of her lover's merciless act. Her damp core is soon to be staining the front of Chevalier's lap and she wishes he would do something about it, even if a part of her is enjoying the thrill of the tease.

After a quick discardment of his overcoat, Chevalier accepts her in his embrace with a fierce kiss. He pays up extra attention into claiming her mouth, as if wanting to devour her whole, leaving her lips agape in its wake as he licks a wet strap down her neck. He places kisses on her exposed cleavage, his teeth scraping on it as he reaches his hands to her breasts again.

In the brief minute of rest Emma's chest hasn't gotten any less sensitive, and Chevalier's tongue swapping across her perk nipples only proves that. This time her moans are louder, clearer, and Chevalier brings his arms to encircle her waist and keep her upright. He buries his face completely in her chest, breathing in her aroma as he suckles on her left breast. The fabric dampens with his saliva, highlighting the impact of his ministrations as Emma breathes out his name.

"Chevalier- Chevalier please, oh God, please lay me down and take me already!"

A soft rumble in his chest is enough to indicate he's heard her loud and clear, yet he takes his time toying with her chest as he pleases. He finishes off with a kiss on the apex of her breasts, something that makes Emma blush harder than anything prior.

Standing up and guiding her beneath him, Chevalier can finally admire Emma from above. Gesturing her to take off her nightgown, he removes the rest of his own clothing before joining her on the bed as well.

Still she is the most beautiful like this, bare from head to toe and laying underneath him. With wandering eyes he drinks on the sight of her, deciding if he should give even more attention to her breasts, or perhaps lick her pussy to completion once or twice before the main event of the night. Normally he is not the type to go as far as to lose his mind in the throes of passion, yet he still needs to make a reminder to tell her to doll herself up for him again some time.

Taglist: @arsnovacadenza @ale-teodora @kimi00twin @leonardoism @otomelady @privilegedpancake @g-kleran @thehappycat123 @pumpumnnnp  @thesirenwashere @theuwuisunreal @ravenarld @kyokirigiri-22 @kimmy-banana @btarinana @animeworldsposts @randomanimatedhusbandoseeker @galaxyprison @trishtori @sadshaxk @starshards26 @pro-cat-stination @acethephoenix256 @ikevamp-shrine-2 @judgemental-seal @nad-zeta @crystal13unny @keen19thcenturygoatsstudent @lordsister @ikemen-banshou @toxiicmoron @ikemenlover24 @themysticalbeing @canaria-blackwell @otome-scribbles  @chaotic-coyote Please let me know if you want to be tagged/untagged!

[xo-cuteplosion-xo]

hello its me atsushi can i please request chuuya, dazai and yosano separately with a gn s/o who like flinches whenever someone raises their hand im sorry if this is like too much but its a t hing i do bc trauma ig? im sorry am i doing this right- ALSO if you cant thats fine just make sure you take care of yourself bc you deserve the world 💜💜💜 -atsushi

Hope you don’t mind that I’ve put this into HC/drabble form! (I did try to write in one-shot form, but that was not going to work. So please excuse the lack of detail into the reason and things being slightly brushed off and undetailed)

Falls into comfort.

Words: 999

Enjoy!

Comfort for a reader who flinches whenever someone raises their hand| |Chuuya/Dazai/Yosano x Reader|

~Chuuya~ (319 words)

Chuuya had always been loud, his natural deflect for his height. He’d been with them, his s/o for a few years now. He’s always been careful with them. It was an instinct to handle the things he cared for delicately. It didn’t matter how strong they were, he just felt the need to be careful. It was out of character for his temper to control him around his s/o. He’d noticed tiny flinches when he reached over them, but he’d never thought much of it. People often retracted from him. He didn’t mind, but he’d never seen the fear so bad in a flinch before.

It had been a rough week, with so much going wrong Chuuya was past his limit.

He always kept the reins tightly held around you, but tonight he didn’t realize you were off-set, different, less approachable.

He’d summed it up to caution or your own stress.

He’d never thought it would be a trauma reaction.

It’s common for people who’ve gone through such things to go into a cautious state they don’t notice.

The tightness of your movements, the somewhat distant look.

He’d only reached out to you.

Yes, his expression was slightly aggressive, more than usual when he’s around you.

Yet he hadn’t expected you to flinch back so much.

He’d instantly retracted his hand and stared at you before his pride tried to wiggle around.

He wanted to shout but instead took the time to shove away his temper.

“Y/n, are you afraid of me?”

An honest question.

If you shake your head he stands there for a while until he makes the connection and balls his hands into fists.

“Who?”

A one-word question that asked many more questions.

There was always a reason, and he’d get that reason.

If you tell him it’s nothing he’ll let it go for the moment.

He’ll then offer you sweets and cuddles.

~Dazai~ (338 words)

Dazai would watch them from far off. There were few moments in time when his eyes were not on Y/n. They were his world, his only reason to keep going. Of course, there were certain things he’d love to do with them. Such as a double suicide. He, however, knew he wanted to see them live, and if that meant he had to go on so be it. Yet, he also hated seeing them in constant suffering, or at least, to him it appeared like that. Even if others didn’t notice the small jerks their body made he did. It drove him insane not understanding why. It was clearly trauma-related. That was the only conclusion his mind would come to. Today he sat with them at the table after a rough day.

You looked tired like you hadn’t slept well in a while.

“Something bothering you?”

Dazai was always pestering you with questions. Trying to get you to open up.

When you insist you’re alright he pecks your cheek and stands.

A little while later when he returns with a glass of water he sets it down and reaches.

The second your body moves away he drops his hand.

“You’re afraid.'' He knew it didn’t mean you were necessarily afraid of him.

Yet, it still hurt because you knew just how shitty a person he had been.

He says nothing after that. He’s waiting for you.

When you do reach for him he wraps his arms around you. He’s slow as to not startle you.

He runs his hands through your hair and snuggles his head into the crook of your neck.

On a reflex, he began telling you how much he loves you. He tells you, you're safe. He keeps you in his arms until you’re completely relaxed.

Even then he does not break away from you. His fingers trace along your back as he carries you to the bedroom for cuddles.

He’s not letting you go until he’s forced to work by Kunikida’s obnoxious calls.

~Yosano~ (342 words)

Yosano would observe her s/o for a while. When they flinch she’d make a mental note. When they reserve themselves to privacy, she notes it. She’s always been like this. She was worried from two perspectives, as a doctor, and as their s/o. She knew the signs of what she was seeing. She knew what it was that she was seeing. She knew how to deal with physical injuries, but dealing with mental injuries was a whole other league. Eventually, she decided to help and offer comfort.

She waited for you, a glass of champagne open.

She sipped on it as she read over her notes.

When you walked through the door she waved you over.

Sliding you a glass she started a light chatter.

She waited until you were relaxed to ask if you were doing alright.

She didn't exactly know where to start this conversation.

She’d ask if there was anything you wanted to tell her.

If you tell her there isn’t anything she may sigh and take a few more sips of her drink before tapping her pen on the counter.

“Dearest, I’ve noticed a few things lately. I just want to make sure that you’re doing alright.”

If you still don’t open up she’ll accept defeat and offer you a small kiss before she goes to shower and get ready for the night.

If one night she makes the small mistake of raising her hand towards you she’ll instantly back up and curse herself.

Her first instinct is to give you space.

If you hardly noticed your own reaction, because it’s almost normal to you now, she’s confused.

If you reach for her she’ll offer her body to be used for comfort.

Whether it’s clinging to her, hugging each other, or walking off to snuggle in each other's company, she’s ready to listen.

If you decide to explain she’s quick to hide her displeasure in what caused this.

If you don’t want to tell her she offers comfort with words, whispering how you’re safe with her.

[wordsinhaled]

You're so incredibly sweet with your answer re: caps.

Honestly I'll tell you what the feeling I get as a reader as I scroll through texts (And I suppose it is, to some degree a feedback for you, as god knows it's really hard to get people reblog text / fic posts on tumblr) when I see someone posting without capitals, my first thought is "It's a shitpost" and while it certainly works for very short funny texts, it's not precisely the atmosphere I would look for in a fiction I'd dedicate time into reading.

I think to myself "It wasn't important enough for them to go over after the fact and edit the capital letters, so it's probably not so good to begin with, as they didn't show care in it." and so I usually would automatically scroll over, without looking. (Now, /this/ is a me thing, but I assume I'm not alone).

As of readability, it does make it harder to read, at least to me. There's no visible "break points" that you can easily see by the height and size difference, and so everything just goes ahead and ahead and ahead, and in long texts, it can become somewhat daunting.

And the most me-issues is, that I would often focus more on wanting to edit the letters than on actually reading hahah, but frankly, this is a personal reading experience.

I just find it (and I honest to god say it out of a good place) a shame, that you might lose readers or reblogs for such a minor reason.

I skipped your post about 3 times, until someone I like reblogged it and I said "Okay if they reblogged it, I have to actually take the minute to try it" And it was good! It was fun! It was well written! So it's like, the opposite from what the lack of this "I care to edit" passes through.

I worry about giving such feedback, as it really is none of my business, and if it's how you enjoy writing, then frankly? You do it any way /you/ want. I just feel like being a writer on tumblr is hard enough, and it's not often someone would actually tell you what turns them off your work without it being "personal" and "nasty".

So again, I hope I did not dim your spirits, and I enjoyed your writings, despite my OCD jumping up and down hahaha

Have a lovely day dear!

This is definitely valid feedback and I'm glad to be having this conversation!

I feel like... I come at lowercase letters from the perspective of the sphere of say, poetry, where I don't think case affects meaning/validity/the gravity with which a work is perceived, as much. For example, I'm a big fan of ee cummings and I guess some MIGHT argue his work is less valid or less literary because of how he uses caps or lack thereof, but... I think it's harder to argue ee cummings is careless or that his work lacks substance, meaning, or emotional value due to stylistic/punctuation choices. He uses these choices very deliberately to evoke and add additional meaning. Granted I don't know that the lowercase adds meaning to my work but it is stylistic to some degree! I just think there is room, in so-called "Legitimate" writing, for intentionally deviating from the norms of things like capitalization and punctuation and things like that, which shouldn't necessarily delegitimize a piece of writing. Anne Carson just for example (because I just spent like a week reading her work for the mythology fic, haha) - an absolutely formidable scholar/classicist/translator, who does away with caps and punctuation all the time, and creates absolutely meaningful work that takes the classics (arguably super highbrow and bedrocks of the literary canon etc. etc.) into the modern era in really haunting and transformative ways that are still really relevant to our time.

I do think The Internet is definitely a different beast, though, and the norm of how text and writing are perceived online is different and online writing has evolved over time because of that into almost its own version of language, especially with meme culture, so that lowercase now = shitposting, which is a valid take for that context.

I will say on the topic of lowercase = lack of care, though, that—personally, even if I don't take the time at the end to go in and capitalize my letters, for me not doing so doesn't speak to lack of care about my writing at all. I care a lot (a lot!!!!! a really ridiculous amount, lmao) about words and when I write I try to communicate my care through diction and (hopefully!) atmosphere. I totally understand how that subconscious idea of lowercase = lack of care might make some people choose to discount my posts or my fics or scroll by them, which is their absolute choice and which I respect! I do sincerely hope that if people choose to read what I write, the love I put in comes across.

In terms of readability - I totally understand how not having the visual difference of caps vs. no caps makes things harder to read. As someone with a pretty horrendous glasses prescription sometimes when I'm looking at my screen, things like contrast and certain colors etc. make things harder to read, so I get that. I try not to make my paragraphs too long, to avoid walls of text, because that makes perfect sense as well. I think on the printed page, it's a little different, because you have the option of things like serifs, and line weight, and things like that to make things a little easier to make out.

Anyway, all this to say - my spirits aren't dimmed, especially because I think you explained this thoughtfully! I appreciate the feedback on what appeals/doesn't appeal to others about my writing! I'm really honored you chose to read my posts after all despite being turned off by the lowercase and I'm really glad that you enjoyed them. <3

Hope you have a great day!

[starswallowingsea]

It's book review time! This time for a book I actually finished like a month ago and completely forgot to do my review until now!

So I read the Lost Apothecary by Sarah Penner back in August. I got it through Book of the Month because nothing in July (when I signed up) particularly called out to me and this book has been on my TBR for a while so I took a chance on it.

Overall it was... kinda meh. It reads easy enough and I finished it in a week but I wish there had just been more to it.

My overall rating was 3.5/5 stars and I'll get into the details under the cut.

So this book is one of those split historical/modern perspectives books, similar to the Paris Orphan but not done quite as well in my opinion (and a lot of other people's opinions too). The concept is there, an apothecary that helped women kill their abusive spouses or men in their lives, which certainly existed (side note: if that is what interested you about this novel, I would highly recommend the first season of the podcast Criminalia, which was all about lady poisoners and each episode includes a cocktail recipe to go with the story. Anyway,) and are important to study, but the modern perspective was lacking.

I'm in the minority that didn't really mind Caroline, but I kind of interpreted her as being raised in like an Evangelical household where the decisions she says she made with regards to her husband (such as not going to grad school, taking a job she didn't want just for the stability, etc) made more sense? But then towards the end her husband shows up and it just makes everything very, very weird. He admits to drinking some of her essential oils on purpose to get her attention because he thought she was going to leave him for cheating on her (no fucking shit dude). If she wasn't already preparing the divorce papers when you cheated on her with one of your office workers, then she definitely would after you intentionally poisoned yourself and almost died.

The past segment of the book also felt somewhat weak. I understand that it had to take place before the invention of poison detection in forensic analysis during autopsies started getting better and more accurate, but other than that it didn't feel like Penner utilized the setting to its fullest extent. Also the twelve year old character thought her vagina was haunted by the ghost of her old master and nobody explained the concept of periods to her? Why. They kinda just brushed it off as "all girls and women bleed once every lunar cycle" but never explained that it was natural to her.

Finally, my biggest gripe with the book was the absolutely insane focus on pregnancy. It feels like all the characters except the child are obsessed with having children. The old lady who runs the apothecary laments how her lover had forced her to have a miscarriage (which at first I didn't mind as a motivation for her, but then), one of her customers comes in and wants to kill her husband's lover so he'll sleep with her and get her pregnant and she can have children, and the most egregious example of all, the modern character, as her husband was being taken to the hospital, thinks that one of the emergency responder's making a remark about keeping essential oils out of reach of children is an attack on her for not having children. Girly, it's just a statement of fact. You shouldn't keep essential oils within reach of children or they will eat it and die.

I think towards the end Penner was trying to go for some sort of magical realism or just in general actual magic in the setting but it was not very well executed. The only real sign of it was the 12yo girl character believed that magic could save the little hole in the wall apothecary and brewed some "potions" to keep them alive in dire situations and she chugged it before jumping from a bridge into the Thames, which certainly the impact into the cold water should have killed her almost instantly and we have not been led to believe she knows how to swim either. At the end we see that she survived and hinted in the one piece of writing about her that survived to the 21st century that she believed the potion protected her on that day. Yeah. If she wanted to add that little hint of magic, I wish it had more of an influence on the plot and more of a presence in the book or was just left out entirely.

Anyway, it's an easy read. If you need something quick to read and get out of a slump, it'll do that. It's not awful but it's certainly odd and could have done more with the connections between modern and historical instead of just some random tourist coming across one of the old bottles in the river on a vacation away from her cheating husband. It's not the worst book I've ever read but it's also not worth writing home about because it was so good. It's average. It's so unfortunate that it has such a beautiful cover and such a mid-tier story.

[apixrl]

IT'S YOU.

hanta sero x fem!reader

WARNING(S): slight angst. mostly arguing / tension but fluff towards the end.

word count: 5.3k

song: it's you // gavriel

note(s): if u stan him ur immediately just so hot and sexc and if not ur just really stinky sorry not sorry

italian translation - translator !!

The heavy pouring rain waged war against your once dry and stylish jacket. The piece of clothing now resorted to an added weight as you strode forth to reach your apartment complex. Luckily you were only a street away, your hurried walk turning into a legitimate jog when the storeyed building came into sight. It was Friday night, meaning the day you worked overtime for the sake of earning a little extra as well as filling in for a coworker. Most of the day the weather had been miserable, the sky maintaining a mundane and drilling grey cloudy sketch that slowly collected into rain. Luckily your morning walk to work hadn't been affected by the downfall but the weather had chosen to stick around for your walk home.

Your jacket glued itself to your frame as its capability to keep you dry fleetly decreased, the hoodie underneath beginning to dampen ever so faintly too. Your pants were already taken to the rain, answering its call by absorbing the water into the fabric and making them exceptionally uncomfortable to wear. The pair of shoes on your feet struggled to bind together as they countlessly stepped in puddle after puddle, wearing and tearing with every step you took.

Cars passed by, tires causing gushes of water to hit the pavement. The street lamps did nothing to show your presence as they sped by, your body growing damper from the droplets of water hitting you. You briefly scolded the inconsiderate drivers in your head, eyes glancing ahead to meet an approaching individual. They were most likely a neighbour but given the darkness surrounding you weren't entirely sure, ultimately deciding to keep your head down and not draw attention to yourself.

In truth, this wasn't the only reason.

During the last week and a half, your want to socialise was relatively low, finding a lot of your spare time spent at home and in your own company. The separation from society was healthy for your recently plagued mind, spending afternoons finding all kinds of homely leisure to pass the hours by. It felt much more wholesome and enjoyable to endeavour in a story from your bookshelf or writing poetry in your journal straight from the heart rather than sitting aimlessly on your phone. Simply scrolling through social media to bore the day away.

Why the sudden stray from society to your own little world? Well... sometimes having a popular Pro Hero as a boyfriend came with its cons. Especially when hardships came between. As of the Tuesday approaching, it would be your ten-month anniversary with your partner - Hanta. Or what he was better known as; Taping Hero: Cellophane.

Yours and his meet was rather mundane truth be told. What started as a journey to purchase a recently released volume of one of Hanta's favourite manga comics took a drastic turn and became something much more meaningful. He caught you grabbing the final copy available, smoothly swooping in to attempt to charm you into giving him the comic (the ravenette had been to about five stores before that during patrol - a rather lousy thing to do but he justified his actions with lack of spare time). However, he walked out with a date two nights later instead, finding himself be moved by your own charms and attraction that Hanta urged himself to ask and not miss the chance.

From there, things were taken slow. His social status was shared pretty quickly, faster than Hanta felt comfortable with - liking the idea of you liking him for who he was over his fame and wealth. It didn't affect your perspective of the ravenette, since you had already fallen for him before such information could be told. It took a month before you officially became boyfriend and girlfriend, and life couldn't have been better for the pair of you. For the most part, your relationship was perfectly stable and as healthy as you could make it. But unfortunately, all good things must come with a cost.

See, one thing you were to learn with growing closer to Hanta was he kept his personal life extremely separate from his heroic persona. Such a statement was made very clear before you brought your relationship to the next level since the ravenette requested that if you were to become lovers that he would want it to remain private. So he could feel he had a somewhat normal life outside of his duties as a hero. Whilst becoming a Pro was his dream and the man loved his job, Hanta was also a sucker for peace and quiet too. Having that metaphorical and literal balance in his life granted him inner peace, and as his partner, you respected that.

At least at first, since you didn't think you would reach ten months together and still be hiding behind sunglasses whenever the pair of you wanted to see a movie.

You couldn't lie, it was endearingly sweet Hanta felt that way, partly anyway. The fact he cherished your love and relationship so close to his heart that it was only shared between you two. But your irrationality couldn't help but make you wonder how in a concerning way, Hanta's desire to keep you from his greatest achievement in life (becoming a top ten pro) almost felt like he was hiding you... like he didn't want you a part of it. And once that thought struck you as the ravenette rested peacefully beside you one night, it didn't shy away anytime soon. Given the fact you had spoken briefly about making yourselves public in the past with little to no issue, you didn't think you would cause harm by bringing it up again. But it seemed your choice of when to bring it up was poor, as it most certainly did not run smoothly between you.

Something about his day had irritated Hanta, and so you pinning such focus on the subject seemed to pass him over his limit. There were a few snaps here and there, which you didn't necessarily appreciate, and Hanta's lack of enthusiasm and care for your request made you all the more upset. So weighted emotions matched with the evident disagreement surely lead to Hanta storming out of your apartment with such a slam to the door you wouldn't have expressed shock if your neighbour's stepped out in the hall to see the chaos ensuing.

That was nine days ago, and so far neither of you had seen nor spoken to the other. You'd made attempts to contact him since then, attempts you knew before you tried would come out unsuccessful. But from observation, Hanta was surprisingly a complete mess when it came to emotions based on negativity. Whenever the ravenette grew angry or agitated he became a closed book, so hard for you to read that the only thing you learned that worked was to give him space. To let him get through his upset alone since he never seemed to allow for outer help and comfort to assist. Which you despised because you wanted to help him through his troubles. To be there as the big spoon or to be the shoulder to cry on. But stupid male pride got in the way, Hanta building a wall so high and thick between him, his emotions and you that truth be told you had no idea how to push through.

So you resorted to letting him get over it in his own time, knowing deep down he would come around eventually. It wasn't the first quarrel you'd had and hopefully not the worst, and you knew this was Hanta's way of dealing with it. Whilst you had been willing to wait it out, you placed that thought in your head thinking it to be only two or three days before Hanta made some sort of effort.

But it was nine. And that was beginning to concern you greatly.

You finally reached the stairs leading up to your apartment building, the relief flowing through your system so freeing and wonderous. All that was left was to type in the passcode by the main doors and you would be merrily under shelter, able to kick off your trainers and slip into some comfy sweats. Perhaps even make yourself a warm cup of cocoa and watch an episode of a show you needed to catch up on before the sweet release of sleep. Or so you thought it was going to go.

Twenty minutes later and your thumb grazed lightly over your phone's home screen, imaginatively stroking the black hair of a certain boy you loved dear as he smiled cross-eyed back at you. The photo was taken when Hanta took you ice skating in the countryside during the winter which previously passed. He discovered a secluded location hiding a spacious lake that had been glazed with thick, sturdy ice. After numerous times of losing your balance, Hanta deemed it amusing to take a photo with you as you sat on your backside in defeat. And whilst it did humiliate you, you adored Hanta's goofy looking face in the photo. Hence why it was your background.

You'd found yourself staring at the photo the night prior too, contemplating whether to try to call again or not. What if something was wrong? What if Hanta was injured and somewhere under repair at one of the numerous hospitals in the city? God... what if the doofus finally slung himself across the city as crazily as that Western hero he never shut up about and fell to his death? And your setback from social media was the reason you hadn't found out yet? See! This was a reason why you wanted to go public! At least in an emergency, somebody would know who to contact!

Your brows crinkled at that final thought, what began as concern moving back a step to annoyance and you settled on tossing your phone behind you on your bed in defeat. Proceeding to stand upright, you tugged the oversized hoodie (Hanta's hoodie not to mention) on your person and wandered through the rooms of your apartment to your kitchen. Where the bubbling of your kettle boiling water filtered your ears. The low hum calmed you as you leaned against the counter in thought, arms crossed over your chest and your eyes focused deeply beyond the wooden flooring.

Tap. Tap. Tap.

The noise went unheard at first, so occupied in your head you mistook the sound for the kettle boiling. But when the triple trill sounded again, it dawned on you that that was most certainly not how a kettle was supposed to sound. Snapping out of your focus, your head lifted to the kettle before it scanned the room around you. Nothing seemed different at all, and nothing inside your apartment had a reason to make such a sound.

Unless you had rats... then maybe that would make sense.

Please don't be rats.

Having no initial success, you blankly went back to your thoughtful state - the kettle finally boiling. Permitting you to fill the lavender painted mug that waited impatiently on the side, four heaped teaspoons of cocoa powder begging for hydration inside. Now actually having something to do you hoisted yourself off of the counter, stepping to the one opposite to do the task at hand. But then just as you were going to pour the heated water...

Tap, tap, tap, tap, tap!

This time it was more rushed and heightened, holding a lack of patience to a certain extent. It was there you finally trailed your eyes left, right and centre, your E/C irises landing on the french doors past your sofa which lead to your balcony. Doing as much as possible to downplay your panic by putting on a brave face, you manoeuvred from your perch in the kitchen and headed for the doors to glance outside. Thankfully the light on the balcony was switched on, giving you a glimpse of silhouettes to the arrangement of the outdoor area. At first, nothing seemed different at all. Just the usual setting your balcony always had. A few potted plants and a small sakura blossom which you'd been growing from the seed, as well as a glass table and four chairs. Not to mention the closed up umbrella and pole reaching for the stars above too. But looking over your observations, something went amiss. Since when did you have five chairs?

Squinting your eyes in a struggle to focus better, they were only set to widen as it hit you what you could see. There, perched on your balcony in a squatting position was a person... balancing perfectly on the thin pole as their head leaned forwards to occasionally peer inside the glass doors. It took a second or two for you to figure out what was going on. But the moment you recalled the fact you had a boyfriend with the ability to swing from rooftop to rooftop, your heart both plummeted to your feet and leapt to the heavens above simultaneously.

After realising what was happening, you moved to the lock of the glass doors and grabbed hold. That movement seemed to indicate shifting on the exterior because the person on the other side stood upright and casually stepped off the railing as though it were a stair. You swallowed thickly, clamping down on the inside of your cheek in worry that you could not see his face. Unfortunate for your nerves since at least then you could gain some form of presumption to what his expression read. So walking in blind, you unlocked the door and jiggled it open, the glass door sliding to the side easily. Quickly did the silent walls of your apartment be filled to the brim with the heavy downpour of rain and distant car horns in the distance. As well as the overhanging state of tension in the air as your eyes trailed up the slender frame of your visitor and meeting the ebony eyes you'd been missing for far too long now.

"What... what are you doing here?" You uttered out after a long twenty seconds passed. Upon opening the door no words were said, only the longing gaze of two conflicted lovers. Hanta stood before you with a discouraged expression, lips tightly pursed together with no catchphrase toothy grin to show. He was donning his hero costume, though his helmet appeared to be missing for reasons you didn't know why. But it didn't help Hanta one bit since his black locks were laced with the heavy downpour from above. You imagined his hero costume was drenched as well, damp spandex sounding all too discomforting in your head as you used it as a focus to ease the nerves you felt to the sudden visit.

"Hey," Hanta finally said after what felt like a millennium. What were his usual cheerful tones came out low and unsure, like the ravenette hadn't come prepared and was relying on other factors to push himself forward. With sunken brows and a clear of his throat, Hanta continued as he lifted his eyes to meet yours. "Can I come in?"

"Oh... right, sure," You stated blankly and stepped back for him to do so. At first, you wanted to ask him why he decided to come to your balcony of all things, but the look in his eyes had convinced you to wait for that chance. There was just something about those gorgeous orbs of ebony you couldn't say no to - conflict or not. Luckily your apartment flooring was hard, meaning any water from Hanta's shoes (or soles as his costume didn't use shoes) could be mopped up and dealt with later. Not that you were thinking about that at all. Your mind was too focused on processing what was going on.

"I was in the neighbourhood and you know that my tape is crap in rain so... I didn't know where else to crash," Hanta started once inside your apartment. He nervously laughed as though to ease inner feelings, hands meeting his hips in a lost attempt to make conversation. It was mainly due to the fact you hadn't properly greeted him, sort of dawdling between him and the sofa. You looked Hanta up and down and sighed, seeing how soaked he was.

"Here... slip this on," You lifted your hands over your head to tug the hoodie off, holding it out for Hanta to take. It was his anyway, and it would be a lie to say you weren't wearing it for his scent. Underneath the hoodie, you donned a simple black tank top you tended to wear during your morning jogs or times of exercise. The ravenette took it reluctantly, initiating you to head for your bedroom. "I'll go grab you some pants too. And a towel for your hair,"

"Oh... okay then," Hanta was genuinely astonished by the hospitality, watching you disappear down the hall. As you grabbed the aforementioned items, he began to remove the top half of his hero costume. It was true that Hanta loved his hero costume very much but when it came to the rain he wanted nothing more than to change the design completely. The spandex soaked up the rain and it took hours to drip out, not only dampening him but also multiplying its weight much more than double its usual. With his tape dispenser shoulder pads placed on the floor, Hanta stripped himself of his top half. Sighing when he discovered the rain had seeped through and dampened his skin. Luckily you entered the room shortly after, carrying some grey sweats of Hanta's and a freshly cleaned towel.

"So... is there any other reason you decided to scare the crap out of me on my balcony?" You questioned flatly, a hand on your hip as you held the towel out for Hanta, placing the sweats on the sofa cushion next to him. He mumbled a quick thanks, promptly starting to dry his upper half.

"Well yeah," The ravenette stopped momentarily to glance your way, ebony eyes finding you back at the countertop in the kitchen where you resumed the task of making cocoa. Hanta quickly expressed a sigh. "W-We gotta talk,"

"About?" You asked innocently, though you were fully aware of what was being implied. Chewing the inside of your cheek as you did your best not to make eye contact, Hanta furrowed his brows at you.

"I think you know,"

"Well, are we starting afresh or picking up where we left off? The moment you decided to storm out of here and slam the door shut?" You spoke in a passive-aggressive manner because truth be told, you didn't appreciate Hanta's way of handling your last discussion at all. So you were certainly planning on letting him know. Speaking of which, Hanta was now scrubbing his raven locks dry as his eyes closed in response. Almost like he expected you to react in such a manner. Though he refrained from biting back, knowing that would only make it worse. Not his aim for visiting.

"Starting afresh,"

"Okay then," Was all you said, stirring your spoon and tapping it quite obnoxiously on the side of the mug before dropping it into the kitchen sink. Then you moved to the fridge to grab yourself some squirty cream. The can practically empty, it reminded you how badly you needed to go grocery shopping the next day. As for a reply, from across the room, you could only see the essence of hesitance. Either from Hanta figuring where to go from that or ultimate regret for even coming. Your bets were on both.

"Look Y/N -," The ravenette began, relatively quick to dry the rest of himself off and to put on the remaining clothes. Just as he was prepared to skirt over to your side, his actions ceased upon seeing you setting yourself down on the armchair opposite. Hanta had a moment where he didn't move, unsure what to do before he resorted to sitting down on the sofa. Feeling it the only safe thing to do. "I don't want problems between us. It's the last thing I want, okay?"

"I um... okay," You said, fingertips tapping lightly against the ceramic mug filled to the brim with whipped cream and cocoa. Hanta met your gaze for a split second, hands proceeding to fiddle with the other much more prominently.

"But... I want you to know that I've been thinking about it and well... I guess if it'll make you happy, I'm willing to do it and go public," Hanta spoke through a sigh. Peculiar, because a week ago you would have probably broken into a bright smile and jumped straight into the ravenette's arms then and there. Yet, you remained in your seat and mouthed a small oh of... disappointment was it? Whilst you weren't certain what it was, it most definitely felt like that. Which was odd because the words Hanta had just uttered were the ones you had been waiting to hear for months now.

Funnily enough, it didn't take you long to figure out why. Because throughout the previous week and the lack of contact, that's exactly what had been the route of the problem. The way Hanta treated you during your last interaction and the lack of communication mixed with it. It wasn't the original issue anymore. Of course, you still wanted that. But you additionally craved a sense of closure for how you were treated.

"Hanta I...," Hanta's brows crinkled together in a frown, not shy to display his confusion to your hesitant tones.

"What? What is it? T-That's what you want right?" He replied.

"Yes, it's what I want. But that's not the issue anymore,"

"What do you mean? I'm not following...," His response made you scoff. Not exactly great for the situation at hand. You remained silent for a little bit longer, scratching the side of your head as you sat upright to elaborate.

"Hanta... you haven't texted or called me in over a week. You walked out of here after a fight and practically went radio silent!" Was your protest, watching as Hanta fell back against the sofa. Unbeknownst to you, there was another reason he did this. An inner conflict he had yet to unveil. A prolonged silence ensued as if Hanta was trying to find the correct words to say.

"Because I needed space Y/N... time to think!"

"Yeah well we both did... but even calling just to say that would have been reassuring," You weren't finished despite trailing off, Hanta seeming to notice by the way your lips were faintly parted. "I know you have a busy schedule but... but...," The thought entered your mind for a split moment, doing much more damage than intended.

"But what?"

"It doesn't matter. I-it's stupid," You tried to brush it off, suppressing the thought further down into your system so it wouldn't win you over. Hanta didn't seem to like that though, his head tilting your way with his eyes boring into your own. He could tell when something was bothering you, just from your body language.

"No. Tell me,"

"You're not losing interest in me, are you?" It sounded ridiculous the moment you uttered the words, and it sounded even more ridiculous as Hanta's hands met the bridge of his nose in a heavy sigh. Quickly causing you to further your point. "I-I just thought that you not wanting to go public and being 'busy' was a nice way of saying -,"

"Don't even finish that sentence,"

"Sorry," The silence lingering between you both drowned out your voice, to which you looked down at your hands with a sigh. The ravenette sat upright rather abruptly, shifting onto his feet and coursing a hand through his hair. There was a clashing frown on his face as he reflected on the words he just heard.

"I can't believe you would even think that... that I'm growing tired of you!" Hanta called out in disbelief, near offended by the accusation. His body twisted to face you, eyeing you down for some sort of explanation or justification to what you said.

"It's hard not to when you're giving off all these... these signs!" That was your best response. Though you were set to be cut off by another sharp sigh from Hanta. One of many expressed that rainy night. You watched as he walked on over to the glass doors he entered moments earlier, observing the rain slashing harshly against the clear surface. It had grown even heavier since his entry, the back of his mind relieved to be out of the dangerous weather and inside closed doors. He didn't ponder on it long though, returning to the situation at hand and leaving the indistinct 'pitter-patter' of the rain behind him.

"Y/N have you ever thought for a single moment why I've kept you secret for so long?"

"You said you liked your private life to be away from your hero one... a-and I get that!" You replied urgently. "I'm okay with all the publicity and the social media responses and -," As though he expected that answer, Hanta interrupted you with a near saddened laugh. It caused you to frown and glare his way, about to raise your voice if not for his own voice filling the apartment.

"You know my job isn't just walking around being a celebrity, right?" Hanta glanced back at you. "I'm a hero for crying out loud! I protect people from danger! People like you!" The ravenette pressed a closed fist against the glass pane of the door, forehead inches away from the surface since Hanta shifted most of his weight onto it. You tilted your head, frowning.

"I know that but -,"

"But do you?" Hanta's tone came off harsher than intended to emphasise his point. But he was quick to abandon it, clicking his tongue in defeat to a battle in his head when he realised he had to explain his case. He'd been reluctant to say anything about his activities in the last week since technically not even the press knew, but lying wasn't going to get Hanta and you anywhere. So he surrendered to the urge and spoke. "Listen, the reason I didn't message you this week is that I've been working non-stop over some drug trades going on. One's that have been going on for a while underground and ones that have gotten good people killed. I haven't had the time to focus on us even though our fight has been in my head all week and I've been shitting myself over talking about it because I don't want to lose you! I couldn't imagine life without you, Y/N and I feel like an ass for treating you how I did last time we spoke! But I haven't been able to tell you that because access to my phone has been slim, and I couldn't-,"

"Hanta?" You stood up gingerly, only speaking up due to the change of Hanta's aura. He had started curt and sharp but slowly tumbled into a more emotional demeanour. The more personal his small speech grew the more it started to affect him, probably the impact of his own thoughts taking their toll. There was even a voice crack at some point, one you'd never heard before. Hanta took a deep breath, bracing himself to speak again.

"It sounds like a lame excuse but it's the truth. I didn't want to say it. But I can't lie to you," He continued. "It's cases like this that have kept me from wanting to go public. B-Because if those people were to figure out who you are because of me...," There was a stifled shake of a breath, Hanta's voice quietening in fear just at the thought. "I wouldn't be able to forgive myself,"

You were speechless. So speechless you weren't even mad anymore. He was finally... finally being vulnerable with you and that seemed to be enough for you to erase all your grudges. Sure, work wasn't an excuse for everything. But in a circumstance like this one - with the job that Hanta lead, you could understand his reasons and in spite of your worry you knew the rules. No mobiles on operations. And finally, he was confiding to you about why he struggled with the thought of announcing your relationship. So in a very reluctant manoeuvre, you plucked up the courage to walk up behind him and wrap your arms around Hanta in a sorrowful hug. Hanta tensed up at first, breath running short, but he didn't push you away. A hopeful sign.

"I'm sorry for making it such a big deal when you had other things to think about," You said, pressing your lips to the back of his shoulder blade and giving the surface a peck. You remained there for a good few, adamant seconds before retracting. "And I'm sorry for never looking at it that way... or considering your feelings on the matter,"

"Y/n it's fine... just...," Hanta seized the opportunity to turn around to face you, running a hand through his ebony locks with one hand as his other slithered around you to return the hug. "I'm sorry I made you doubt me... I feel like shit about it and it wasn't my intention at all,"

"No! No! Don't apologise. It's okay, " You brought a hand to fiddle with the string of his hoodie. As much as it wasn't what you wanted, you had to see Hanta's perspective and understand his feelings too. This was a two-person relationship after all and had you known his feelings ran that deep, you wouldn't have pressed the matter as much as you had. "Look, we don't have to announce anything to anyone okay? If it makes you comfortable and happy then I'm willing to remain a mystery a little longer,"

That returned some colour to his face, almost like Hanta feared you would oppose him even still and the situation would grow for the worse. With a small sigh of relief, he finally allowed a smile to press to his lips. A smile you knew all too well and had missed for a while now.

"Thank you for understanding," Hanta exhaled, pausing as his eyes hovered onto you with an ounce of playful intent. "And I guess we could be a little bit less discreet when we go to the cinema together," You smiled faintly, finally satisfied with the decision you had come up with. Better yet, a compromise. The very thing you had wanted to start with... clearly your concluding thoughts had been premature.

"Thank you... it means a lot,"

"Yeah... I love you," Hanta spoke gently, pressing a kiss to your forehead.

"I love you too," You stood on your tiptoes to lightly peck his lips, Hanta humming softly in approval as he returned the gesture. After a few seconds, you pulled back though, feeling a smile on your face as you did. It was enjoyable to kiss his lips again, another thing you had missed greatly in your week-long deprivation of your boyfriend.

"So, how does some hot cocoa sound? I can imagine you were sat on the balcony for a pretty long time," You pulled away from the hug, but kept hold of Hanta's wrist as you tugged him along with you. Hanta shook a fist in grateful triumph, sighing out in bliss at the offer.

"Oh, I thought you'd never ask! Hot cocoa sounds amazing," He smiled, pausing temporarily before adding on. "But are cuddles on the table too?" You glanced back at him, half expecting the request. But there was no way you were going to say no. You shook your head in amusement before answering.

"I think we're both in desperate need of cuddles, so I think so. Yes,"

"Amen to that,"

[undertaker1827]

Undertaker, Will, Grell, and Sebastian with a cyborg s/o

Sure, enjoy!

❗️Warnings; mentions of death, fighting/sparring (but friendly)

EDIT; Claude has now been added too!!

Masterlist

-

Undertaker

You were an absolute enigma to Undertaker from the moment he met you

You weren’t human and you didn’t have a soul, per se, yet there was definitely something where a soul might have been

Which should have been impossible given that your body lacked flesh and blood; he found you truly fascinating

The reaper’s initial impression of you was somewhat clinical, its’ foundations in the how’s and why’s of your mechanics allowing for a personality, in a similar way to how he was interested in humans from a scientific perspective until he found one who made him want their company rather than their information

The more time he spent with you, the more Undertaker realised that it wasn’t just curiosity that made him keep inviting you back to the parlour or to walk around outside with you for hours

It was your personality, it was you

It was late one night as the mortician sat on a coffin directly opposite yours, a wide grin on his lips and a stained tea mug in hand, nothing but a couple of flickering candles lighting the dim space that he realised he was falling for you

This thought didn’t concern him at all, which he suspected it should have given his previous experiences, but he was enjoying himself too much to care

One minute you were laughing at something Undertaker had said, and the next his lips were on yours and he was taking whatever you were holding and putting it down on the coffin next to you so he could kiss you properly and you could kiss him back

William T. Spears

Will wasn’t half as surprised to find you were a cyborg than he was to find he was falling for you, cyborg, human or otherwise

He hardly recognised the feelings himself when they appeared, so foreign they were to him

You knew what the reaper was like with emotions, he would simply bottle them up and pretend they didn’t exist

Which left you trying your hardest not to spill the beans on your part, so as not to lose whatever small notion of friendship he had shown you

You had befriended the stoic reaper quite by accident

He had been getting on with his normal day at work, albeit in a bitter fashion given that he had been put out in the field as his subordinates were incapable of carrying out simple collections themselves

As such he was standing in the middle of a road muttering unintelligibly to himself about how frustrating it all was while waiting for a car to come along and collide with a distracted woman who would step out into the street without looking

Of course you didn’t know this would happen and cause the car to stop, all you could see was some man in a suit standing in the way of an oncoming, fast moving vehicle with no intention of moving

You moved quickly, mechanics allowing you to travel much faster than a human could have, and barrelled straight into his side, successfully knocking the man back out of the way and onto the pavement

The anger he had been radiating just moments prior melted away to surprise in an instant, and he confessed to you much later on that no one had ever bothered to try and save his life before, however unnecessary it was, apart from you on the day you met him

Grell Sutcliff

Grell honestly didn’t realise you were a cyborg at first glance

She was on duty late one night, a mere sliver of the moon having been out for hours already and the black sky undistinguishable from the darkness that had settled in the unlit outskirts of the city

She had a little time to waste before collecting the next poor, unfortunate soul who was set to appear at the wrong place and wrong time, so was standing on a rooftop with nothing but the inky city framing her from behind when she saw you

The thing that gave her pause, however, was that you looked straight back

A frown slowly spread across her brow as she determined that you were in fact looking at her, and of course with how dark it was, no human should have been able to see her from the distance at which you were standing

So, naturally, she went to investigate

As she got closer, she realised your eyes were actually glowing in the darkness

You just stayed out while she approached you, deciding what exactly you needed to say when she spoke first and interrupted your chain of thought

“You’re not human, are you? So what exactly are you then?”

“Cyborg,” you replied easily, quite satisfied that the being in front of you wasn’t human either When you noticed she was especially captivated by your eyes, you explained that the lenses had a night vision setting that automatically came on once light levels dropped below a certain point

Grell hummed in response, clearly very intrigued, and asked you to take a walk with her; introductions were in order, after all

It wasn’t as if she was overly busy anyway, and you were far more interesting than work

Sebastian Micaelis

Sebastian, like Undertaker, was much more interested in you from a clinical view than you yourself when he first met you

On a spiritual level, you looked unlike anything he had ever seen before

Human souls were quite obvious to look at once you had seen one, and though demons, reapers and angels didn’t exactly have souls, they had something that occupied the same space as a soul would have done, and each class of supernatural creature had something that made it distinctly different to the others

You, on the other hand, the thing occupying the place where a human soul would have been didn’t share a single similarity with any other creature’s, and it was fascinating

Sebastian quickly realised though that it took you far too little time to mean more to him than just a distraction from his long, boring life

You had a wicked sense of humour and could more than match the demon in a battle of wits, which you both knew was no easy task

You talked together often about nothing of any great importance, though he happened to mention offhandedly that he was somewhat adept at combat

Sebastian took in your growing smile with a calculated smirk of his own, eyes flashing with mirth when you playfully challenged him to a fight

He was left absolutely delighted when he found you could in fact keep up with him in a physical fight as well as you could a battle of words, in a way that a human would never be able to

It was the same for you; nice to finally have an opponent that was difficult to beat

Claude

Claude was another one who was more interested in how exactly you managed to have a personality without a discernible soul of any kind than you yourself when he first met you

He had never seen anything like you before in his very long life, both in the deepest circles of hell and his slightly more limited time on Earth under a variety of contracts

It was during an errand for one of these contracts - something entirely trivial and honestly not worth his time - that he saw you walking in the opposite direction

He abandoned his task almost instantaneously in favour of following you from a small distance, calculating how exactly he would go about getting more information from you, only the next corner he rounded, you were gone

He stopped walking and frowned just slightly; he could still sense whatever you had in place of a soul so you were definitely nearby, but where?

The demon was saved from his contemplation when you neatly dropped off of a high window ledge to land somewhat gracefully behind him, a questioning look on your face

“You were following me,” you said neutrally, “why?”

Claude almost smirked in spite of himself

“I happen to be very adept at doing so without anyone noticing me,” he hummed back rather than answering your question, “how did you?”

You took a moment to ponder this being before you, one who definitely didn’t strike you as human

“You came up on my radar.”

He did smirk then, because you said it like it was the most obvious thing in the world and now your lack of an ordinary soul make complete sense to him

“You’re a cyborg, aren’t you?”

You gave a small, if not slightly disbelieving smile and nodded; most people didn’t even realise, never mind remaining so calm if they found out

[masterhandss]

Who do you think katarina will end up with?

Anonymous asked: Who do you ship katarina the most with ?

I got these two questions consecutively, I'm assuming they are coming from the same person so I'll combine them to a single reply, if that's okay.

People who have been following me since the first season can probably tell that I really like Geordo x Katarina (GeoKata) the most out of all ships. At first it was mostly just because I have an unintentional biases towards characters with blonde hair, which is why favorites were GeoKata and MariaKata, but then when I slowly got into the series more, my biases permanently shifted to the G-boy.

I'm not really a fan of laying out why I like certain ships through test to be honest. I usually get super frustrated when zine mods ask contributors to explain why they like a character or ship for contributor spotlight graphics because I can never really say everything I feel correctly hgdsjsdgfj, which is a good thing someone had already asked me a similar question before so I'll just copy paste my response here if that's okay :DD

TLDR; I ship Katarina with Geordo (Maria, Sora and Cezar behind him), and I think Katarina will end up with Geordo :))

You didn't really ask why but I'll give it anyways :)) -> major light novel spoilers, by the way <-

I'm not really the most deep person, if a ship has the bare minimum of something that I like (a trope or a hair color combination) then I stan it hard. That's why I used to be so equally adoring to both Maria and Geordo, because hurrdurr blonde hair hurrdurr. But the more I read the books and got into the community, I eventually liked him more than Maria. I didn't understand how or why at first, since Geordo and Maria are undergoing a very similar character arc: both characters wants to become better people in order to become worthy of Katarina (Geordo emotionally, and Maria physically? magically? in terms of her position/social status? I can't think of a right word but you get it). Again, Maria and Geordo's struggles are similarly written but one of them is more compelling to me. I feel like Maria's problems are easier to solve (her inability to rely on people, her attention seeking and her desire to be more magically powerful) imo, since she's already a well-liked figure in the Ministry and she's already a high-level magic user. Geordo's though; the series doesn't put too much attention on it, but despite the fact that Katarina gave his life color, he still somewhat sees the world in a desaturated light even post-childhood according to the novels and his lack of empathy still prevents him from completely absorbing all the colors. He's still learning how to see and he is happy that Katarina is always there to help him learn how.

I just love the irony that Katarina sees Geordo as a Perfect Prince and feels that she is inferior and unworthy of him, but then Geordo also seems himself as flawed, inferior and unworthy of Katarina and sees her as someone perfect. Geordo constantly wants to be better for Katarina (and for the people around him), and in time, maybe he could become a motivation for Katarina to be better too (on Katarina's side though, because on Geordo's she doesn't have to because she's already perfect the way she is). Geordo, while being self-centered and aggressive in his pursuits, isn't always selfish and thinks about what Katarina wants too. He'd fight tooth and nail for her and will do whatever he can so that Katarina will love him in the same way, but that doesn't mean he wont respect her decision if she falls in love with someone else, he just wont lose without a fight that's all (and fight, he'll give that's for sure).

Geordo is crazy in love with her; wants to protect her happiness, keep her safe whenever he can, and is even willing to both fight to become king and throw away the life he currently knows if it means he can live a life where he and Katarina can be together wherever she is most content and happy. He wouldn't lock her up in the castle like a caged bird like what Keith and some fans of the series thinks, whenever he does have thoughts like that like in Volume 6, its his internal response to the lack time they can have together alone, rather than being indicative of how he wants to treat her (like in his desire in Book of Desires, he conjured up a literal honeymoon because a honeymoon is the only time where he can spend it with her alone without someone butting in! It's weird and exaggerated, but his desire is simply to just be able to spend a day with her and be able to pursue her romantically without the threat of people like Keith and Mary).

Katarina sees him for himself, and she extends her hand of friendship to him despite all her fears of her bad ends involving him. She knows he's a "sadistic prince" but doesn't always tie him to that title. Out of everyone, Katarina has just as bad, if not worse, initial impression of Geordo compared to almost everyone around him (Others sees him as a Perfect Prince while she sees him as a Sadistic Prince and Future Murderer), and yet she accepts him and wants to learn more about him. She supports him and wants him to find happiness in love with Maria, even if it means she'll get exiled to another country or to a far off farm! (i'll edit this with citations later)

I can't help but want that for him, someone who there for you through thick and thin, who supports him despite everything she knows about her future involving him. Katarina is everything he would ever want in a partner: someone who isn't disturbed by his past, can see through his fake smiles, constantly cares for him, sees him beyond his princely façade, is one of his first friends who has helped him create friendships with other as well that prevented him to wallow in isolation and hate of the version of himself that society created for him, is genuinely interested in him as a person, is endlessly fun to be around and unpredictable, and is overall beautiful inside and out.

Again, a lot of Maria and Geordo's struggles are very similar to each other, but I'm more interested in Geordo's side. I find it more compelling. Geordo's scenes always almost provides something new, we get to see him angry, flustered & embarrassed, scheming/conniving, possessive, grateful, sad & frustrated and so much more. Maria has that too (we get to see her sad and thankful), but this might be my own perspective of reading the novels, but Maria's scenes kinda feel the same to me. It almost always starts with Katarina helping her and her realizing time and time again how much she loves her and become more motivated to be a better version of herself. I mean its unfair to say that they are all the same but that might just be me. (Maria: wow I'm so grateful for everything Katarina has given me, I want to be with her forever (rinse and repeat for the next 5 books))

Yes I know it's beautiful to see Maria falling deeper and deeper in love with Maria, but I'd rather see moments of someone who is trying to advance on those feelings rather than someone who is still trying to understand what they feel. Declarations and descriptions of love are beautiful in literary works and it always gets my heart fluttering, but I can read fanfics if I want to see that be written in 8 or more ways. Give me some action, some internal conflict!

It also doesn't help that it makes me really really happy for Geordo that he's made a dent in Katarina's baka shield? Katarina's heart skipped and fluttered for a second when Geordo was patting her head, and it makes me want to root for him even more! (Yes, go break the bubble! You can do it!!)

It's not even the same doki-doki as when she gets charmed at how pretty Maria is, to me its different in a way that my small vocabulary can't explain.

And besides, it really is just a battle between the protagonist that almost ruined her life (Maria) and the love interest that almost ruined her life (Geordo). Keith is part of that equation too, but he was never a threat after they became close (narratively, its seriously just Maria vs Geordo vs Keith, ignoring the changes to that narrative by FL2). It's always about Geordo (and Maria), everything she's doing in the Fortune Lover 1 Arc is because of Geordo (and arguably, Maria & Keith too) and the consequences of where he decides her future to would lead to.

It has to be Geordo, in my opinion, to show her that things aren't the same as the game (and he already kinda has, just a dent though) (If not Geordo, it should be Maria). He, who she feared and yet cared for so much

(I know Fortune Lover 2 basically removes that importance of Geordo and Maria specifically to Katarina's narrative by making her an active problem in all routes, finally becoming loyal to the title "All Routes Lead to Doom", but its not like the story is digging into Katarina's brain that she's sword training for the purpose of fighting back against all the boys, its still just Geordo, so idk I still count that in my shipper brain)

It also also helps that Geordo is basically the poor bullied animal in the hamefura community's eyes, regardless of how far he is into the battle (like in the reddit discord lmao). Yeah he has the best chances which is why many people both in and out of the series find it so fun to drag him under because of his unfair advantage, which is fair, but just like how you feel when you see a small wounded animal, you can't help but want to help someone who has the whole world against him (there's literally a canon manga page with that joke lmao), which is how I eventually felt over time. He's so misunderstood and bullied by people despite the authors dedication to flesh him out more beyond being a possessive prince fiancé of Katarina because of the anime's adaption, so I'd rather give my biases to someone who needs (and deserves it) rather than other contenders who are already overflowing with love and support. Also who doesn't love a perfect guy who breaks when his beloved is harm/who opens up to the person he cares about most?

I know people will read this and find it unfair that Katarina is giving so much to Geordo, but he isn't really giving anything to her. One thing I'll agree that Maria has over Geordo is that Maria makes Katarina want to try and work hard. Seeing Maria improve her magic wants Katarina to do the same, and whether or not it's from motivation or fear of getting left out depends on the reader. So far we don't really have anything like that for Katarina with Geordo because most things involving Geordo intimidates her, compared to Maria who is surrounded by mysteries and adventure (though arguably it's Katarina and not her lmao, but Kat doesn't know that).

Katarina is already the most well-adjusted character in the story even as a child so the only thing to really explore from her is mostly just her relationships and skewed sense of reality. That's why I hope that Geordo will not only help her realize that she can be loved by her peers romantically despite her self-perceived position/role, but also be one of the persons to make her completely realize that she isn't living inside a game. I mean like I said a few paragraphs ago, he's already kinda doing it by constantly confessing his feelings to her, reminding her that he is a person with his own feelings and not a character programmed to fall for a heroine.

So yeah, I ship Katarina with Geordo for those reasons and believe they should end up together for those reasons.

If you ask me who I think would she end up with objectively, I'd still say Geordo. The author's focus jumps between Geordo and Maria so that really depends on who you're asking. It also doesn't help that Geordo is always in the marketing with Katarina in the books and games, which pretty much cements his Male Lead status to Katarina's Female Lead status lmao

Thank you for the ask lmao, I'll be updating this with more thoughts and possibly citations later :))

[anolyso]

Utena thoughts...about 2 weeks later

I've been putting it off for way too long and so most of my thoughts stopped being fresh. On top of watching way too many analysis vids post-watch, but still I do at least want to put my 2cents of Revolutionary Girl Utena out there for the world.

Utena is perhaps one of the most famous "magical girl"/shoujo action shows out there for not only it's transgressive themes of relationship abuse and low-key pretty much being the poster girl for like actual feminist perspective on/in anime...but also just doing it all in both a heavily allegorical and understated, yet super over-the-top stylish fashion

But that's it's reputation preceding itself, is Utena worth while all these years? The answer is Yes, but it also really shows it's age and budget in pacing and repetition, tho as an appreciator for "behind the scenes" compromises in art, it's more showcasing Ikuhara's talent in working around both taboo and long-form budget constraints with just well-thought out and iconic imagery that - while episodic and formulaic - is just very good at filling the 39 eps with feasts for the eyes.

Utena broadly is about tomboy Utena with memories long ago after her parents died being "saved" by a princely figure like a princess...except she's so enthralled by the nostalgia that instead she becomes a full on Prince herself and receives a dueling ring to fight in the Ohtori Acadamy secret duels for "engagement" to Rose Bride Himemiya Anthy.

Utena is divided between 4 arcs, only the first and last being Manga adapted from hearsay:

1: Student Council Saga

2: Black Rose Saga

3: Akio Ohtori Saga

4: Apocalypse

From back to forth I'd say that Akio + Apoc is more just escalation into the finale while Black Rose being anime original comes off as a glorified side-character study which while complementing the secondary cast, feels like one of those Anime movies that has to say "but if you don't watch this part, it's pretty much optional for the main plot" despite it also actually introducing the most important antagonist within it's margins.

More importantly, it's the Student Council (arc and the actual people) that lay the foundation but also a large part of the show's focus which ironically puts Utena in the background until like almost the finale and some in-between developments, so it's less "Utena (and Anthy Himemiya)'s story" until the very end, but more like a showcase of how fucked up the system at large is (pin in that).

By the Council themselves is:

Kyouichi Saionji: The biggest jobber, like actually introduced as the most despicable loser ep 1 and proceeds to be a complete arrogant joke for the rest of the show. Honestly in another shojo "love" story, they'd find some way to redeem him but semi-compellingly they turn him into like an Aqua-lad type pathetic brat with an inferiority complex to the actual Student head

Miki Kaoru: the naive "nice, non-threatening soft boy" that also just never actually listens to the girls around him. Probably adds more complexity to the whole patriarchal idea on analytic reflection since yeah, the whole "nice guy finishes last" plays up better when the kid comes off as that "ally" energy of wanting to save Himemiya from being the Rose Bride but also low-key won't actually not just do the duels and win her cuz he's that sorta wishy-washy hypocrite. Arguably the least hateable guy in the cast (minus mascot Chu-Chu)

Juri Arisugawa: TRAGIC LESBIAN TRIANGLE LOVE. Probably the biggest point to of both "not-explicitly homosexual" but also really freaking obvious since her entire story is her girlfriend stealing her "boy crush" when actually she was crushing on her and being pretty much frustrated throughout her story as pining most of it. It's quaint by today's standards but also like damn girl, get over her she was like the worst back stabbing bitch (literally if Black Rose counts)

Nanami Kiryuu: SPEAKING OF QUEEN BITCH, it's been a long time since I've watched a High School girl bully and honestly it's kinda refreshing. If Miki is "soft-boy uwu" Nanami is a brat that gets her come-uppance often, featured prominently as an anime only with the MOST filler/comedic episodes but also not low-key, being the most out-spoken actual brother complex ironically spins perhaps the biggest twist and ironic relationships of "I love my brother but not-like-that but also like-that" by the end. Mostly comedic relief but I find her inclusion to actually add a lot more to juxtapose...

Touga Kiryuu: Big Student Council Prez himself, the first arc antagonist and also a strong foil to Saionji and later a stepping stone for Akio. Touga is THE image of a Princely Playboy Heart-Throb that in any other Shoujo romance would have the main girl win him over from all those "other girls" despite him being apathetic if not outright manipulative of them. Good thing Utena is better than that and really puts a spotlight on just not-actually-ok his power hunger for "the power to bring the world revolution" that leads him to heavily objectify Anthy, arguably even more than Misogynist Trophy Girlfriend beater Saionji, since he doesn't even see her as more than a means to an end despite professing and looking the Prince part but lacking all the actual virtues.

The Student council matters more since they're characters and subsequent tragic flaws are the ACTUAL meat of the show and on second rumination actual shows more how fucked up the system/gender dynamic/power hierarchy is since - while it blatantly fucks over Juri who can't just outright say who she likes - also show almost it's own sub-text of Masculine failings: Saionji desperately clinging to being TOXIC MASCULINE™ and completely falling short underneath Touga; Miki's "nice boy" act belying him trying to replace his low-key nostalgia for his sister (also a bitch, but apparently was more like Nanami in the manga); and best yet Touga being the quintessential "Prince in all but actual behavior" by emulating a cutthroat and Machiavellian world view but coming up empty because well, he's just an illusion of a prince...but that leads in way more to the big finale piece where I'll reintroduce the actual story's main trio

Utena Tenjou: Tomboy Prince with brain empty except for lesbian thoughts. Honestly probably what every western "STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN" archetype wishes they were since while having very tomboyish personality in athletics, blunt speaking and also VERY oblivious to the actual plot for REAL DRAMATIC IRONY, but also never actually demeaning her being feminine partially due to her love of an childhood prince and how she maintains her relationship with both her friend Wakaba and later Anthy. Honestly mostly a plot device after S1 until she gets ACTUAL development by the very end and instead kinda bumbles her way into undoing the entire REVOLUTION OF THE WORLD. I kinda wish she felt either more cognizant or at least felt like she was developing/properly rebuking the rest of the cast's power obsessions but I guess that's for the movie.

Anthy Himemiya: Actual Trophy Wife with a dark secret (darker than ski- wait no that's terrible scratch that). Set-up very much as an immediate princess in distress while also being the most femme Yamato Nadeshiko, Anthy being the Rose Bride as a literal prize who acts and behaves as whom she's "engaged" with desires while otherwise being quiet, wry, mysterious and noticably submissive, by the end it actually plays up into THE BIG REVEALS of just how abused she's been into a hopeless acceptance...like y'know actual abuse victims.

Akio Ohtori: Grade A Antagonist, probably the most insidious I've seen a villain in a while, Akio is notable for, back in 1997, being perhaps the big go-to of actual deconstructing the facade of a whole shoujo genre's "hots for a teacher/sexy man putting the moves" and highlighting how actually exploitative and abusive a person like that really is. Being Himemiya's brother (somewhat justified in the manga by both being a weird Sailor Moon-esque reincarnation of gods/godesses of Dios), despite how much of his motives are runing the background and how the entire back story is  uh...brought up in like barely in the last arc with little lead up (some scenes feel like they'd be a full melodrama season and they just have like 1 scene in the final arc episodes) he manages to one-up Touga (in the plot as well) by instead of "just" objectifying girls, not-just-flat out saying Utena looks best as a princess, but y'know the fact that he is implicitly yet constantly exploiting and victim-blaming Anthy for her own suffering for "the power of Dios/Revolution of the world" turns it on its head

I've spent all this time on characters but in truth a lot of the meat of the show relies again on the Council Members fleshing out the issues of system leading to outright divorcing "being a Prince" (heroic altruistic virtues) and "being a man" (considering like all but maybe the comedic relief have some deliberately misogynistic behavior) and beyond just the plot (or rather character) synopsis, the talent goes far more in how it's framed, the symbolic/allegorical shots, the repetition adding a good episode formula flow to character showcases, probably the most "tasteful" allusion to uh...*ahem* sexual abuse that so many other edgier/prentious shows fumble. Both in how intimidating yet understated it's foreshadowing is until they hard-reveal it despite never explicitly naming it even tho it sends Nanami into hysterics

Really it's both a massive blessing and reason for it's cult beloved status for it's aesthetics but also it's burden, for being a full 39 episodic season by season character development study of everyone BUT the main trio except for snippets and the very end that makes it greatly appreciable as a legitimate work of art.

What I wanted more to say however (long overdue) is that a large part of following is, visibly at least, western feminist critiques and yes while it almost seems like Utena fits the "deconstructing patriarchy" story like a glove...it's weird how almost none of them actually can give a good historical account of actual Japanese female/gender/sexuality norms nor Anime contemporaries actually were. Like Tenchi Muyo and Berserk came out the same year (Cardcaptor Sakura the next) and despite how you can "feel" the influence in lots of modern shows like SHAFT's signature visual imagery cuts or many WESETERN shows having straight scene references to Utena....almost no one has a similar feel to Utena until like Princess Tutu comes out.

Really tho probably should've watched Utena and then Tutu because while it's undeniable that Utena is a major pillar of shoujo re-codification - what with everyone before Utena was saying they thought it'd be like a Rose of Versaille or Lady Knight rip-off...whose laughing now? - it's almost like there's a missing link between it and it's major western fanbase (probably with what few anime did get overseas, this one probably rose to the top), or how very noticeable there IS an influence on it's genre in Japan

Almost none of the big analyst fans actually know A) it's not "a deconstruction of Magical Girls" since despite Ikuhara working on Sailor Moon just before this, almost none of the tropes line up and instead more with Shoujo genre as a whole. or  one of the major inspirations was Takarazuka theater.

And this is not to dismiss how inspirational it is to it's western fandom, but while I am notably cynical towards placing things on pedestals, there's probably something about cultivating the whole pop-culture feminist reading commune with people making weird time-loop theories while kinda most of it is just filling in a mad-lib mostly thanks to Ikuhara just keeping things on the vague and letting the audience take away their own perspective.

Again, most of the show is completely sub-textual or visually/symbolically depicted and never stated nor properly defines it's weird key words (End of the World, Revolutionize the World, Power of Dios, Rose Bride, all things said constantly but never really said what they "mean". But that's also perhaps its charm, in it's allegory and very Death of the Author approach, it has definitely allowed it's fan theorizing and appreciation to flourish so there's something there for that.

Ultimately I'd say Utena the TV series is great more so for what it isn't...or rather I should say it's great for not just subverting Shoujo tropes and archetypes for the Japanese audience but also that despite dealing with some very serious and heavy subjects in obtuse and perhaps understated ways for the time, people have allowed it to be put on it's pedestal because they can easily fit it in themselves.

Honestly though, not that a more "straight forward" approach wouldn't detract from Utena but I will say that the movie, Adolescence of Utena, is very much the best encapsulation of what Utena strives to be (for another big blog post) and while the TV series has plenty of time and flexes it's directorial muscles with budget constraints and season pacing UNrestrained, the movie will trim a lot of the fat

[sk1fanfiction]

the many faces of tom riddle, part 2

 -you dislike frank dillane’s portrayal of tom riddle only because you don’t think he’s attractive-

FULL DISCLAIMER THAT THIS IS JUST MY OPINION OF A CHARACTER WHO DOESN’T HAVE THE STRONGEST CANON CHARACTERIZATION, AND THUS ALL THIS IS BASED ON MY CONCEPTUALIZATION (and this time, featuring a bit of armchair child psych from a student).

Wait, don’t clutch your pearls just yet. Compose yourself.

I am about to explain why it’s not actually that bad, and Dillane’s portrayal is vastly underappreciated.

I definitely agree that his portrayal comes off as ‘creepier’. It’s not helped by the stylistic decisions in the scene -- the smeary, green filter gives the scene a sinister quality. 

Even Slughorn looks suspect here, which is somewhat appropriate, given that he is complicit in this crime. 

Again, this scene is very much intended to be slightly off.

You’ll notice (and I’ll discuss this again when I talk about Coulson’s portrayal) that Dillane is almost always shot from at least slightly below, which makes the lower third of his face look bigger (and thus more menacing). The lighting also makes his eyes glow in a really unnatural way. There’s an echo-y effect to make his voice (and not Slughorn’s) sound unnerving.

People talk about how Coulson would have looked in this scene, and if he was filmed in the same way (monotone, smeary/shadowy filter, and always from below), he’d look a bit creepy, too.

But all of this, imo, is for a pretty good reason. Slughorn isn’t the POV character. Harry is. Harry is learning about how a young Lord Voldemort wheedled the secret of Horcruxes out of an unsuspecting teacher. Unlike in COS, he expects Riddle to be evil. And, so, Harry’s new perception of Tom Riddle literally colors how we perceive him.

Take this shot, for example: he does that head-tilt thing that Coulson does, and it’s actually... kind of... cute???

Imagine Dillane filmed from slightly above, like Coulson usually is, and it looks even more innocent. (I mean, come on, he does not look like he’s killed four people, does he?) It’s not hard to imagine teachers being taken in by this kind of act.

Even that little smirk he does when the camera (aka, Harry’s gaze) pans in, is for Harry’s benefit. No one else noticed that. 

However, I still fail to find this creepy, like, at all. Yes, it’s a fake smile, but he’s portraying a different side of Tom Riddle to Coulson. Whereas, in COS, he’s in his vindictive, murderous element, where he’s free to express himself, in this scene, Tom Riddle is doing what he does best -- manipulating and managing appearances. 

This entire scene is an act. And because Harry knows it’s an act, it should look a bit stilted. 

From the Hepzibah Smith scene in the books: Voldemort smiled mechanically and Hepzibah simpered.

So, Harry is pretty adept at parsing Tom’s fake expressions.

But just look at the expressiveness in his face: he goes from brooding, he blinks, and his entire face changes to this charming (fake) smile. 

At the risk of sounding elitist, I’m a bit tired of seeing the word ‘psychopath’, which is not an actual medical diagnosis recognised by any psychological or psychiatric institution, being tossed about, especially with reference to Tom Riddle (and from a neuroscience perspective, it’s doubly annoying). There’s no such thing as ‘insanity’ or ‘psychopathy’ or being ‘crazy.’

-although I use it too a shorthand in conversation to distinguish ‘canon’ Tom from his ‘softer’ OOC counterparts, I really shouldn’t-

Unfortunately, I’ve seen the ‘psychopath’ comment used time-and-time again as an excuse or a full explanation of ‘why Tom Riddle went evil’ (JKR in fact, has made a weird comment in an interview, basically saying that ‘psychopaths can’t be redeemed or learn adaptive coping skills’ or whatever), which really just goes to show the lack of understanding and compassion when personality disorders, especially, are concerned.

But what I like most about the opening of this scene, actually, is that first, listless expression. And this is where we get slightly into headcanon, but Tom Riddle is the opposite of a happy, mentally healthy teenager. By Dumbledore’s own admission, he has no real friends. He has no parental figures, no real attachments. Yes, he might derive some pride or enjoyment from being good at magic and top of his class and all that, but I really don’t think even Tom finds that truly fulfilling. There is nothing that makes him happy. 

In fact, although some might perceive it as ‘creepy’, I think that listless expression is an accurate window into Tom’s psyche. 

I know people aren’t big on Freud, but I think that he does make some interesting points (also, cut the guy some slack for being relatively open-minded for the Victorian Era, and inventing psychoanalysis and while yes he did say some sexist stuff, good luck finding a field of science that isn’t male-focused and makes crazy generalizations about women, especially back in the day) about the possible origins of thanatophobia, the fear of death.

According to Freud, thanatophobia is a disguise for a deeper source of concern -- he did not believe that people were capable of conceptualizing their own death to that extent. Instead, he believed that this phobia was caused by unresolved childhood conflicts that the sufferer cannot come to terms with or express emotion towards.

Now, I know Freud almost always attributes mental distress to childhood experiences, but I think in this case, it really has some merit.

According to attachment theory, the basis of how we form attachments in adulthood is dictated by learning it from experiences with caregivers in the first two years of life. We know Tom was born in an orphanage, and that he didn’t cry much as a baby, and subsequently, probably received very little attention. Compounded with possible genetic factors and his caregivers being afraid or wary of his magical abilities, he later struggled to form attachments because of this -- I would actually go so far as to say that by the time Dumbledore meets him, Tom Riddle is severely depressed. 

And that flat affect and anhedonia, I think, comes over very well in Dillane’s portrayal. There’s kind of this resignation -- a very deep sadness and loneliness to his character.

Of course, he doesn’t derive any comfort or fulfillment from human interaction, because (to borrow the description from the Wikipedia article on ‘Reactive attachment disorder’, which Tom meets all the criteria for) he has a “grossly disturbed internal working model of relationships.” In other words, he is unresponsive to all offers of attachment because of this unacknowledged trauma.

(You could arguably class Tom as having an avoidant attachment style, but I think in his case the trauma and its effect on him are severe enough to call it disordered.)

RAD isn’t particularly well-characterized (especially neurologically) and quite new in the literature, but here are some links if anyone is interested in doing a bit of digging: Link 1 | Link 2 | Paper 1 | Paper 2

And, instead of trying to resolve this conflict in a healthy way, or at least recognize that this is why he can’t be happy and try to learn how to cope from there, he (a) represses the desire for human attachment and (b) funnels that negative emotion into being the fault of Death, the Grim Reaper (again, to borrow Freudian terms). 

And we all know how that turned out...

(And now, this should go without saying, but psychoanalyzing fictional characters has nothing to do with assigning a morality to mental disorders. Mental illness is neither a cause nor an excuse for criminal behavior -- in the same way that the cycle of violence is a phenomenon, not an excuse. Tom Riddle did not become a genocidal murderer because, in common parlance, he was a ‘psychopath’ -- he was not necessarily ‘predisposed’ to evil and could just as easily chosen to not follow the path that he did -- instead, he willingly made poor choices. This is a descriptive analysis, not a justification -- a ‘how’, not a ‘why’)

Here’s a Carl Jung quote that articulates it better:

“I am not what happened to me, I am what I choose to become.”

Yes, he’s a bit stiff (and a lot more formal than in COS during his *conversation* with Harry). But, and here comes the controversial bit, this is appropriate for a portrayal of a schoolboy in the 1940s. The upright posture is accurate -- respectful, polite -- everything Tom Riddle would have been expected to be (and even Coulson, in that scene with Dumbledore in COS, is quite stiff). Even the way he looks at Slughorn and maintains eye contact is very *respectful.*

And, Dillane (I think he’s seventeen or eighteen here) actually looks like a believable sixteen-year-old. I’m sorry, I love Coulson’s portrayal as well, but he looks around nineteen in COS; so in HBP, he probably would have looked at least twenty-two or so. (Sorry, not sorry).

This may be influenced by my own interpretation of the character (because I imagine Tom always looks young for his age, and Dillane fits that archetype, but I don’t think that’s very popular), but I think young Tom Riddle is supposed to be *cute* and a bit stiff/shy/awkward (being charming and awkward is very much possible), if you consider the way Dippet and Slughorn treat him. 

To support this, he says very few words to Hepzibah Smith (in the book, that scene’s not in the movie), and is very... bashful and coy during the whole interaction? I think yes, he’s charismatic, but he’s not loud, suave, openly flirtatious or particularly verbose. Tom Riddle should have a quiet magnetism, and to me, that came across in Dillane’s portrayal.

"I'd be glad to see anything Miss Hepzibah shows me," said Voldemort quietly, and Hepzibah gave another girlish giggle.

...

"Are you all right, dear?"

"Oh yes," said Voldemort quietly. "Yes, I'm very well. ..."

Even the ‘ugly, greedy look’ described in the books, when Slughorn starts spilling his secrets, is there. This is how he’s supposed to look! Slughorn glimpses it, but doesn’t understand its significance. Harry does. 

“Slughorn looked deeply troubled now: He was gazing at Riddle as though he had never seen him plainly before, and Harry could tell that he was regretting entering into the conversation at all.”

Remember the context of this moment, as well: He’s just discovered how to create multiple Horcruxes. Excuse him for looking a bit creepy (if not now, then when?).

Here’s two direct quotes of Harry’s impression of Tom Riddle in that scene: 

“But Riddle's hunger was now apparent; his expression was greedy, he could no longer hide his longing.”

“Harry had glimpsed his face, which was full of that same wild happiness it had worn when he had first found out that he was a wizard, the sort of happiness that did not enhance his handsome features, but made them, somehow, less human. . . .”

Tom Riddle’s Horcruxes are a direct metaphor for his refusal to allow himself to heal from his trauma -- instead, he continues to inflict destruction on himself and others.

His desire to continue creating more Horcruxes sort of resounds with the fact that self-harm can also become a compulsion.

I’d also like to digress a bit to discuss the Gaunt Ring, while we’re at it. While we’ve talked about his attachment issues in general, this discussion is particularly pertinent to father figures. And while Tom’s attachment issues are extensive, I think there’s ample evidence that as a child, he craved acknowledgement and acceptance from a father figure -- the man who gave him the only thing Tom truly owned -- his name. He would have had a vaguely defined mother figure in Mrs. Cole, perhaps.

"You see that house upon the hillside, Potter? My father lived there. My mother, a witch who lived here in this village, fell in love with him. But he abandoned her when she told him what she was.... He didn’t like magic, my father ... He left her and returned to his Muggle parents before I was even born, Potter, and she died giving birth to me, leaving me to be raised in a Muggle orphanage ... but I vowed to find him ... I revenged myself upon him, that fool who gave me his name ... Tom Riddle. ..."

We know that by June of 1943 (COS flashback) Tom has already uncovered the truth of his parentage; he knows he is the Heir of Slytherin via the Gaunt line, and he describes himself to Dippet as ‘Half-blood, sir. Witch mother, Muggle father.’

In Part 1, I discussed the high probability that as a presumed ‘Mudblood’, Tom Riddle was treated rather poorly in Slytherin House. But by this scene in the fall of 1943, he is surrounded by a group of adoring hangers-on. Why?

In my opinion; the Gaunt Ring. We know that Tom stopped wearing it after school, so its sentimental value couldn’t have been that great. We know he likes to collect objects (which I believe stems from his attachment issues -- he seeks comfort in things instead of other people).

Signet rings (such as the one belonging to Tutankhamun seen above) were used to stamp legal documents and such, in order to certify someone’s identify -- like an e-certificate, if you will. Like Tutankhamun’s ring, the Gaunt Ring bears an identifying symbol -- Marvolo Gaunt tells us proudly that it bears the Peverell family crest.

By the Middle Ages, anyone of influence, including the nobility, wore a signet ring. Rings in antiquity were auspicious -- they signified power, legitimacy, and authority. And so, I believe that all the Sacred Twenty-Eight families would have worn these, too.

And so, bearing the Gaunt Ring would have established Tom Riddle, symbolically and in the eyes of the Sacred Twenty-Eight (his future supporters and followers), as the legitimate heir to the House of Gaunt. This is why, I believe, Tom coveted the ring as soon as he saw it -- not just because it was a family heirloom, and not just because he thought it was a pretty toy for his collection.

(He curses it so that no one else but him can wear the Gaunt Ring safely.)

This is why, to make the legitimization literal as well as symbolic, Tom murders his father and grandparents. It’s not just an act of vindictive, murderous rage due to his perception of being rejected by his father (although it is that, too). And so, Tom, abandoning his search for a father figure (and possibly also giving up on the possibility to allow himself to heal from his own personal trauma rather than continue to inflict it on others), ‘cleanses’ his bloodline, to make himself truly legitimate. It’s rather telling that instead of affirming his legitimacy as a Riddle, which would have put him in line for a nice inheritance, and hey -- money is money -- (thus accepting his half-blood status), he simply kills them all. He has done all the murdering he needs to become immortal (and he hasn’t had the discussion about multiple Horcruxes yet); but yet, he does it again. Frightening stuff. 

(Just look how the others look at Tom. All but the one to his left -- possibly Nott, Rosier, or Mulciber -- have their torsos turned towards him. Their attention is on him, while he knowingly regards the viewer/Harry. Tom seems a little uncomfortable with the attention.).

“And there were the half-dozen teenage boys sitting around Slughorn with Tom Riddle in the midst of them, Marvolo's gold-and-black ring gleaming on his finger.”

...

“Riddle smiled; the other boys laughed and cast him admiring looks.”

...

“Tom Riddle merely smiled as the others laughed again. Harry noticed that he was by no means the eldest of the group of boys, but that they all seemed to look to him as their leader.”

The ‘gang’ are true hangers-on; Tom doesn’t seem to pay them much attention. 

So, if not via careful flattery or charisma, the attraction must be status.

And perhaps yet more telling...

"I don't know that politics would suit me, sir," he said when the laughter had died away. "I don't have the right kind of background, for one thing." “A couple of the boys around him smirked at each other. Harry was sure they were enjoying a private joke, undoubtedly about what they knew, or suspected, regarding their gang leader's famous ancestor.”

That, in my opinion, is as good as we’re going to get as proof that Tom’s shiny new signet ring (and by extension, his new status) made a big impression on his fellow students.

So, when he returns to Hogwarts, he is ‘pureblood’. He is cleansed of his Muggle roots, and becomes the legitimate heir of the House of Gaunt, now well on his way to becoming Lord Voldemort...

Watch the scene again, with a critical eye, and imagine Slughorn’s perspective, instead of Harry’s. There’s nothing creepy about Tom Riddle... unless you know what he is...

Strip away all the effects of Harry’s gaze (and notice, here he’s still looking at Harry), and he’s quite the charmer, actually.

(I will concede that I don’t like the promotional images where they have him looking like he’s up to no good. And I do wish he blinked once in a while.)

My challenge to you: Rewatch the scene with an open mind, and let me know if you agree that Dillane’s portrayal comes off as depressive rather than ‘creepy.’ And if not, why do you dislike his portrayal?