#it's almost 5 am and i can't sleep
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galawain more like galaweighing deez nuts on a scale. woedica more like woedicking around. abydon more like abydong. ondra more like ondragging deez nuts across your face. magran more like magrunning deez nuts across the floor. eothas more like eothrust. wael more like deez waelnuts. berath more like berather deez nuts than doze nuts. skaen more like skaenning deez nuts onto internet archive. hylea more like hyling deez nuts of all afflictions. rymrgand more like rymrgrinding th
#i'm fucking putting it in the tag and NONE OF YOU can stop me#accepting suggestions for wael's joke#pillars of eternity#peren schmeren#it's almost 5 am and i can't sleep#thank you ampleappleamble for abydong and rymrgrind
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me irl

#It's almost 5 am and I can't sleep#instead I'm punishing myself for not knowing how to paint and avoiding starting learning#idk painting just seems so draining mentally I don't have that much energy to work w colour#shape itself is draining enough sometimes but colour is. fun. but extremely time and energy consuming#also I'm thinking about random things and 3 songs are playing in my head at once#thinking about piercing my tongue on my b day 🫶🫶 and wondering how frye twins made it to 23 yo#smells.like.a.freakshow
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Howdy Mister Gorebek, question for you, if you could take up a style of dance what would it be?
Personal I love to dance the Tango with ya, think it'd be fun xx
❤️💛🔥💛❤️
" ... I know, it's a shame that you'll never meet another me for that! Too bad! "
#Jejox(?#Also hi it's almost 5 AM and I can't sleep---#and once again I have this paranoia that my english isn't english-ing rn#so if u see me fuck up#no you didn't----#Once Upon a Witchlight#OUAW#OUAW The Other#OUAW The Duke#OUAW Gorebek#Ask#peakijr#also if you know you know (??????
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i think the mental health movement in society has been a complete failure it hasn't so much as destigmatised as much as it's been commercialised and commodified. also just because of the way it works most of the mentally ill people themselves who do advocacy are from a more privileged background and have less severe mental illness. sure mild anxiety and depression you can talk about but look at the way people with schizophrenia are treated/talked about
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on my hands and knees begging for my body to let me sleep. please. please. just let me fucking sleep what do you WANT FROM ME.
#🔪.text#i woke up. at 2 a-fucking-m#and i am not confident that i ever fell back asleep.#i have been waking up at 4-5 am almost every day for the past week.#why.#and for reference i am going to sleep at around 10-10:30.#which is. yes. very early. believe me i'd be staying up later if i could#if i had the energy#AND IF I COULD DO SO WITHOUT SACRIFICING FUCKING SLEEP#but clearly i can't fucking do that!!!!#even 10 isn't fucking early enough with how my body's been!!!#literally the only thing i can think of is around the same time this started is the same time i started going off one of my meds#so MAYBE it's related??? i don't know.#or it could be i'm just getting too hot. because i have woken up really sweaty every time.#but this time i tried using a lighter blanket (aka a sheet) and it was fucking worse!!!#and i was even hotter!#so i don't know what the fuck i'm supposed to do!!#because there's nothing i can do about the temp of the house because my mom will not allow it to go below 73#and she's still turning the heat on at night#i guess i've never actually asked if we can drop the temp at night#but i just figure the answer will be no so.#maybe i'll just try to cover my vent at night#because it's just been way too warm for the heat to be on#ugh.#anyway lol.#i am. so tired.
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I HATE MY STUPID FUCKING DAY JOB I CANT TAKE ANY FILM JOB OPPORTUNITY BC I NEVER KNOW WHEN I HAVE DAYS OFF
#emma shut up#if it's a weekend it's almost guaranteed i can't though. FUCKING RETAIL#also it's a night shoot so even if i could do it it'd be like 'film 7pm-5 am get 2 hours of sleep and go back to work at like 10 am'
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the way i. always forget to switch through blogs and keep accidentally reblogging fandom art on this blog and not my main blog sigh. anyway new DI chapter in like t minus... idk 15 hours
#mag-blabbers#the way the art tags are on this blog's auto tags too!!! this can't keep happening!!#anyway why is the chapter in that many hours instead of now?? bc I need sleep!!#it's almost two am and I need to wake up in 5 hours whoopsies!!!
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I have to be up for work in 3 hours and I'm gonna be real I think ive hit the point where I might not be getting any sleep at all. for fucks sake.
#ive survived all nighters before ill scrape through the day itll just be Rough. at least i dont have much in my schedule#im not gonna take the dose this morning bc i think thats a really bad idea to do on zero hours sleep#and i can't risk two consecutive all nighters. like I have done that before but not while working full time 💀 its not worth it#drafting an email to my doctor to let her know im skipping day 2 + ask advice re. whether its worth resuming again on day 3#bc she did list 'trouble sleeping' as a common symptom that often passes but i need to know a) how long it usually takes to pass and-#b) if this is unusually bad + would she rec supplementing with a sleep aid or just switching tack entirely and trialling a non stimulant#by this stage of the night i dont think its actually acting anymore bc i took it at 7am and its now 3am. it shouldnt last that long#i think its more just triggered my preexisting insomnia. my ability to sleep is very very sensitive sometimes + hates routine changes#just so fucking frustrating bc ive spent the past 2 months nailing my sleep routine + ive had a couple weeks of being able to-#go to bed like 9:30-10 and it only takes an hour to get to sleep and i get usually a good 7 hours sometimes 8 only waking once halfway#and i dont feel like utter shit like yeah im tired but from work not so much lack of sleep.... and now thats all fucked lmao#whatever. maybe i should just take the next dose anyway#ill see. gonna try to sleep for another 2 hours but once it hits 5 im not doing this anymore ive been trying for six hours already man#i cant even remember when i last pulled a full all nighter. it might be longer than 6 months ago... i was doing so well :-(#im so mad i was so hopeful it would have SOME good effect like ik its not a miracle worker + these things take time but so many people-#seem to have an immediate positive response even if its probably a placebo. and i got fuck all except This.#i was searching on the reddit for sleep issues and other ppl only seem to report bad ones on higher doses or years in..#like damn. do i even have adhd then. ik thats a stupid thing to think bc obvs everyones body metabolises meds differently etc but still#it is ALMOST HALF 3 and i am FUCKING TIRED#UGH. alright bedtime round 189447383#.diaries#.vent
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<Chef Husband!!Sukuna with his pregnant wife headcanons>
Chef Husband Sukuna Series <3
Chef Husband Sukuna! Who became a guard dog ever since you two find out about your pregnancy. Don't get me wrong, Sukuna was very much protective of his dear wife ever since he got married but imagine just how worse it got after you became pregnant?
He was clingy with you to the point where you felt like a parasite living in his skin.
Want to take a simple walk outside? Sukuna is already applying sunscreen all over you while putting the sandals (ugly sandals he bought against your will that are apparently "good" for pregnant women) on your feet when you insisted him you can do it yourself.
"Sukuna I'm only 6 weeks.. I can do it on my own"
"Shut up woman, I know what I'm doing"
Chef Husband Sukuna! Who reserved an entire room just for you in his restaurant. Sukuna tried his best to stay home during your pregnancy but he can't just push the whole workload to his co-workers so he obviously had to visit from time to time.
But in the 5th month of your pregnancy Sukuna refused to be apart from you even more than 5 minutes, he wanted you close to his eyes, he rearranged one of the storage rooms to your likeness so you can rest comfortably while he figured out stuff in the restaurant.
Chef Husband Sukuna! Who's coworkers began to fear the hell out of you. You were always an angel in their eyes. Their mean and scary boss's pretty wife who always greeted them with a warm smile and tried out everything they made enthusiastically without complaining, but that person is long gone, thanks to the little demon growing inside your belly. Whenever a dish you requested didn't match your taste— your face instantly got dark. They swear they can almost see a rain cloud appearing above your head. And Sukuna wasn't any pleased to see his wife moody either, the daggers like stares he sent their way was enough to to shit themselves.
"Professional chefs you say, can't even bake a fucking pie right"
"sorry chef-"
"get the hell out, I will make it myself"
With that Sukuna began his display of talent. Guiding the knife through fruits skillfully, each slice falling effortlessly under his touch and then he crafted the perfect buttery dough fit for a pie, all by his hands.
"Now this is what you call a pie sweetheart"
You swear once you finished eating it, you fell in love with him all over again.
Chef Husband Sukuna! Who spoiled you rotten throughout your entire pregnancy. He made every one of your cravings without a single miss. It can be 2 am, both of you sleeping peacefully in each other's arm and a single nudge to his shirt and a "please" was all he needed to leave the bed and get in the kitchen asap, all the while you sat on the kitchen counter, pampering him with endless kisses as appreciation.
Chef Husband Sukuna! Who became the sworn enemy of rain. He knows what kind of danger slippery grounds bring and he wasn't going to risk it at all. If it rains that means walking outside is entirely prohibited.
You remember one time standing outside in the driveway with an umbrella in hand, waiting for Sukuna to come home from the restaurant. You swear you saw his face dropped to Zero when he saw you in the cold rain outside.
"Hey Sukuna! Wait what the— put me down!"
"Stubborn woman, What did I tell you about being outside when it rains?"
"Alright I'm sorry but put me down! the neighbors are staring at us"
"can't do sweetheart"
Chef Husband Sukuna! wasn't a skilled man with his words. Pregnancy isn't all sunshine and rainbows, he knew you needed reassurance and comfort about all this.
So he had his own way of showing it.
Whenever you feel bad for eating too much he made sure to sit in front you and eat your pregnancy cravings with you together, just so you will feel less guilty about eating it alone.
He made sure to kiss the stretch marks spreading across your body every single night.
He attended every single class dedicated to "new parents" with you, no matter how many uninviting glances he received with his not so familiar appearance.
He tired his best to be the supportive husband you needed, and he nailed it.
Chef Husband Sukuna! always complained about the framed photos of you two hanging in the walls of his restaurant. "Odd numbers are bad luck" he reminded you everytime but you would laugh it off promising him to take one more decent pic soon. No matter how much he asked it never happened.
But little did Sukuna knew, the balance he wanted wouldn't come from another couple's photo of you two, it came from the tiniest new addition to your little family.
Your baby boy wrapped in a soft white blanket, cradled in Sukuna's tattooed arms with Sukuna leaning close to you, his forehead resting against yours as both of you gazed at your son with soft smiles.
Too much love to fit into just one picture, but enough to make the wall feel completed.
#jjk x you#ryomen sukuna#sukuna x you#ryomen sukuna x reader#jjk drabbles#jjk x reader#sukuna#sukuna x#jjk fluff#jjk
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i really have to motivate myself to finish the thelxie event fast or it's just going to end with no freminet on my alt account
#⇢₊˚⊹ 🩷∥ruby∥yo,ide yo !!#it's not that i hated the event per se#i'm just really not in a genshin mood these days#i reached a milestone irl,but that doesn't mean i can afford to relax and play a game for hours on end#which is how i prefer to play this game. i want to sit somewhere comfy and comb through the world with the interactive map#for combat players that might sound like the biggest slog of all time#but i think it's a nice,chill way to play. the world was created to be enjoyed after all#unfortunately i'm very susceptible to falling into “waiting mode”#so anything that registers in my brain as “time-consuming” gets put on the metaphorical top shelf (out of reach)#and then i can't bring myself to do anything that doesn't feel like i could be done with in 5 minutes#even though i almost always end up doing the “5-minute tasks” for hours. like scrolling through tumblr or youtube shorts and shit#there's also other reasons but i don't like talking about those much#suffice it to say that i'm in a weird place in my life rn where i can *technically* relax but i still feel like i can't#i've also been sleeping so much. to the point where it feels like my waking hours are being sacrificed for too much sleep#i really am getting older huh. it doesn't feel that long ago when i was a kid and had the exact opposite problem#tbh my current problem saddens me way more. i don't want to sleep any more than absolutely necessary#because then it feels like i'm sleeping my life away. it's almost surprising how shitty that actually feels#i feel like taking a fucking nap right now even. it feels crazy that this would bring me to tears but it does#it feels like my life didn't get any less pathetic. just pathetic in a different way
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woohoo!!! 🎉🎉🎉
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☆ THREE ISN'T A CROWD — SATORU & SUGURU
summary: your best friends, geto and gojo, rail you in a hotel bed. that's it. that's the fic.
cw: afab!reader, finger fucking, unprotected sex, double penetration so mdni !!
an: I wrote this whilst drinking a big fat cup of tea, and eating a packet of stale biscuits. so no angsty romance today, just two besties appreciating you in their own special way. it is 5:40 am so I did not proof read this so ignore mistakes pls <;33
gojo and geto were mischievous on their own accords – but when together it was worse. so when you were sandwiched between them in your hotel room, since of course there was only one bed, you weren’t even surprised.
“this is not fair,” gojo mumbles, his lips curling into a mock pout as he exhales a huff of air.
“oh don’t be a baby,” geto scolds, with a chuckle . gojo and geto bickered over who got to sleep where and after a lengthy game of rock paper scissors – it was gojo who had to face the wall. “you’ll get your turn soon.” you could feel geto’s breath on your neck as he was placed firmly behind you, his hands stuffed in your pants as his fingers caress your wet slit.
“don’t be mean sugu,” you chastise, your hand trailing up gojo's back to his shoulder to turn him over, facing you, “there’s enough of me to go around.” gojo is needy, pressing a feverish kiss to your lips, wanting to taste all of you.
gojo didn’t think his plan would work, when he proposed it to geto he was swift in his agreement — the only thing left was you. their pretty little best friend. who they've both wanted a piece of, for years.
now that he’s got you, he couldn’t contain himself – if he wasn’t careful he knew he’d be cumming in his boxers too soon. he latches onto your neck sucking and biting his hands grabbing onto your tits, tweaking and pinching at your nipples.
“you’re hogging her,” gojo complains, as his fingers slip down to your cunt. geto adds another finger spreading your lips wider as gojo’s forces his fingers into you. they were both rubbing your pussy. your wetness making it easier for gojo to piston in and out of you and for geto to stroke and flick against your clit with his thumb.
“g-guys fuck, you’re both too much,” you whimper, your hips thrusting towards gojo, slotting onto his fingers further. geto’s slides his tongue from your collar bone to your jaw before his hand grips onto it, his lips remain at your ears as he whispers, “you gonna cum for us baby?”
“yeah c’mon make a mess for us,” gojo adds, continuing his pattern of rubs and pushes in your pussy, its almost as if he’s committed the rhythm to memory. he was effortless in working with geto, both aiding each other to help you reach your climax. geto pinches your clint, hard, and you spray both of their hands with your cum – squirting all over them.
gojo’s eyes widen at the sight, “shit, i didn’t know you could do that” he exclaims, taking his fingers out of you, examining them as they glisten with your juices, “suguru, did she know that she could do that?”
geto ignores him, rolling his eyes at his friends over excitement, “wanna be wowed even further, taste her, i bet she’s sweet.” before gojo could comply you take his fingers in your mouth, practically choking on them as you suck off all your juices.
“you taste good don’t you?” geto muses, pressing a kiss to your neck, you nod dumbly as you lock eyes with gojo still nibbling on his fingers.
“hey suguru, can we try something with her,” gojo proposes, and geto nods, prompting him to continue, “i wanna stuff her. i want both of us to stuff her.
“we can make that happen, can't we?” geto smirks, rubbing on your ass giving it a light smack, “come sit on my dick, i’ll take of you.”
“what about me?” gojo whines, groaning as you're pulled away from him and on top of geto.
“you’ll get yours in due time, satoru,” geto scolds, taking out his dick giving it some light pumps before rubbing it across your slit. you force yourself down on him, your hands clawing at his chest as you push it down. you were already gushing at the feeling of geto inside of you, filling you whole. so the idea of having them both in you had you excited, grinding down onto geto’s dick as hard as he was thrusting into you.
“are you seeing this?” geto asks gojo, gesturing to the way your head was thrown back and your lips were clenched in your teeth, “the way our pretty friend here is all strung out on my dick?”
gojo’s eyes were focused on the way you bounced repeatedly on his best friends dick, furiously pumping his as the sight. the way your grabbed your tits and played with your nipples, moaning to the beat of geto’s thrusts, he knew he needed to be inside of you.
he gets out of the bed, coming to kneel behind you, peppering kisses along your spine. “i think theres room for me, isn’t there?” he jests, slightly pushing you forward, eyeing the way geto’s dick slides in and out of you.
you take a shark inhale at the feeling of gojo entering you, “you’re good,” geto reassures, “you can take us.” and you moan as you get used to the feeling of the both of them, their dicks rubbing together as they drive into you, instantly finding a rhythm.
“you feel so fuckin’ good, w-way too good,” gojo moans, holds you from behind, his chest presses against your back, his hands cupping your boobs as his head rests on your shoulders.
“‘m close,” geto mutters, smirking at the sight of you, the feeling of you. “you gonna let us cum inside of you? really keep you filled up.” you moan out in agreement, your head felt so foggy with the feeling of them both charging into you. geto gives gojo a knowing smile, and as if on cue, they both load into you showering you with their cum. you finish at the same as them with a high pitched moan, releasing onto them, feeling stuffed with all their cum, and yours, resting inside of you.
“now that,” gojo pulls out of you, pressing an appreciative kiss on the corner of your lips before collapsing on the bed with a blissful smile, “was fucking magical.”
“yeah i guess it was good,” geto chuckles, still inside of you, kissing you on your forehead, his hand slinging over your ass, as you slump on top of him, “how are you feeling?”
“you two are exhausting,” you joke with a smile, “but i can see why i kept you around as my friends.” although this was something that you yourself didn’t plan, you weren’t gonna deny that being freshly fucked and laid up with your two best friends wasn’t all that bad.
AN: I think you can see my heavy bias for geto come thru in this fic but oh well DIVIDERS BY @/CAFEKITSUNE I wrote this more for time than anyone else tbf BUT TELL ME WHAT U THINK since I am iffy on my smut skills
#stampedwithanE★#jjk x reader#jjk smut#jujutsu kaisen smut#gojo x reader#gojo smut#geto x reader#geto smut#gojo satoru x reader#geto suguru x reader#gojo x you#geto x you
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I'm feeling the ‘this author is sleep deprived’ tag right about now
#its almost 5 am#and I'm fucking exhausted#but I can't sleep#so instead I'm writing about said sleeping problem here on Tumblr#I'm also thinking about my fics#a lot#and I want to write#but idk where to start#Daily thoughts with nea (3am edition)#although it's not 3 am#but hey!!!#new tag!!!
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currently out but i can't stop thinking 'bout satoru :( (am i cooked)
⋆౨ৎ˚ notes > satoru x you. fluff! you're both literally made for each other it's disgustingly sweet ⋋_⋌ just two sleepy lovebirds. tell me if i missed anything!! ^^ ౨ৎ warning : you may have butterflies in your belly while reading this!! 𓂃 ࣪˖ ִֶָ𐀔
satoru is so, so sleepy. when he woke up, his first instinct was to look at the digital clock on the nightstand. 5:27.
with a sigh, he let himself fall back on the bed, back first. like hell, he was gonna start his day so early in the morning.
when he looked to his side, there you were. lookin' divine under the morning light, sleeping peacefully. your lips were slightly parted, soft, slow breaths filling his ears. he couldn't stop the lazy smile that pulled at the corner of his lips.
even unconscious, you made him happy. how was he supposed to let you go ? he didn't want to. never in a million years.
satoru buried his nose in your hair, inhaling your comforting scent. you were so soft it almost made him cry. you were his angel, his treasure. sure, he was the strongest but if you asked him to kneel for you and worship the literal floor you walked on, he'd do it without second thought.
he was already at your feet, anyway. everything you did made him fall harder. you smiled ? he'd take pictures. you laughed ? wait, let him record. you just breathed ? he'd blush, giggle and kick his feet like a schoolgirl with a stupid crush. honestly all you have to do is exist and he's flustered.
so when you stirred awake and opened your pretty eyes, satoru felt himself melting. he smiled subconsciously, caressing your cheek as he looked down at you. "morning, baby..." he mumbled. "mhm... what time is it...?" you asked, which caused him to look back at the clock. "5:30."
you frowned softly, snuggling into his side. "s'too early..." as he heard your sleepy voice, he chuckled softly. "s'too early, huh ?" he echoed. "yeah, you're right. c'mere. i wanna cuddle."
what could possibly be better than cuddling to fall back asleep ? yeah, that's what i thought.
ignoring everything that happened in jjk ( ˶ˆᗜˆ˵ )
⋆˚࿔ kimi 𝜗𝜚˚⋆
#jujutsu kaisen#jjk#jjk fluff#jjk x you#gojo satoru#satoru gojo#zaddy#zaddy af#gojo x reader#gojo x you#gojo x y/n#jjk satoru#jjk gojo#gojo fluff#satoru fluff#jjk fanfic#jjk x reader
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Thinking about needy bartender Jungwon who always gives you extra strong drinks, his eyes roving hungrily over your body as he mixes your cocktails with practiced ease
Needy bartender Jungwon who pulls you into the stockroom during his break, roughly pushing you against the shelves and capturing your lips in a searing kiss that tastes of whiskey
Needy bartender Jungwon who drops to his knees, hiking up your skirt and burying his face between your thighs, his talented tongue lapping at your folds like you're the most intoxicating drink he's ever tasted
Needy bartender Jungwon who fingerfucks you to a quick orgasm, muffling your cries with his other hand as the bar bustles just outside the thin door, the thrill of almost being caught making you clench around his digits
Needy bartender Jungwon who bends you over a stack of crates, yanking down your panties and plunging into you without warning, both of you groaning at the exquisite feeling of him stretching you wide
Needy bartender Jungwon who sets a punishing pace, his hips snapping against yours as he fucks you raw, the sound of skin slapping skin barely covered by the muffled music from the bar
Needy bartender Jungwon who reaches around to rub your clit furiously, determined to make you come again before he loses control, his breath hot on your neck as he whispers filthy words in your ears
Needy bartender Jungwon who feels you tightening around him and increases his tempo, driving into you with abandon as you both chase your release, the rickety crates creaking beneath you
Needy bartender Jungwon who pulls out at the last second, painting your ass and lower back with thick ropes of cum as he groans your name, his body shuddering with the intensity of his orgasm
Needy bartender Jungwon who helps you clean up quickly, a mischievous glint in his eye as he promises to mix you a special "off-menu" cocktail later, just for you
Needy bartender Jungwon who can't keep his hands off you for the rest of the night, constantly brushing against you as he serves drinks, his touch lingering longer each time
Needy bartender Jungwon who pulls you into the bathroom after last call, lifting you onto the sink and dropping to his knees once more, eager to taste you again
Needy bartender Jungwon who makes you ride his face, his strong hands gripping your thighs as you grind against his talented mouth, your fingers tangled in his hair
Needy bartender Jungwon who stands and enters you in one smooth thrust, filling you completely as you wrap your legs around his waist, urging him deeper
Needy bartender Jungwon who fucks you with long, deep strokes, hitting all the right spots as he whispers how tight and perfect you feel around him
Needy bartender Jungwon who increases his pace, pounding into you relentlessly as you both near your climax, the mirror behind you fogging up from your heated exertions
Needy bartender Jungwon who feels you clenching around him and lets go, spilling deep inside you with a guttural moan, his hips jerking erratically as he empties himself
Needy bartender Jungwon who helps you down on shaky legs, already planning how he's going to take you again on the pool table before you leave for the night
A.N: idk if you'd like this format (i wrote almost something like this for all the members (and a fluffy one for Riki) but m not that sure about them), also wrote this at 5 am (again! cause my sleep schedule is pretty fucked up m just gonna kms) so it's not proofread and i'd probably wake up and regret posting this (plz i've been super insecure about my writing these days i can't bring myself to post anything😭😭). Anyways let me guys know how you like this and if i should add some dirty talk in it for the other members or not.
#enhypen#enhypen smut#enhypen jungwon#enhypen jungwon x reader#enhypen jungwon smut#enhypen jungwon imagines#jungwon smut#jungwon x reader#jungwon enhypen#jungwon imagines#jungwon hard thoughts#jungwon hard hours#enhypen hard thoughts
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On a Wing and a Prayer
Part 5 - You Should Always Check Your Sources
CW: Angst, language, mentions of torture
Previous parts - masterlist - next
When you enter the room with John, Kate stands up looking over at you. She picks her laptop up like she’s packing to leave.
“Stay.” You say. You don’t want to be alone in a room with John. She looks at John waiting for his nod of approval before sitting back down. He walks over to a drawer pulling a file out. He hands it to you. You open it, the first pages are just generic report stuff. You flick through it until you come across some pictures.
Pictures, well CCTV screenshots of you. In London, you have no idea where they were taken or when but it looks like you. The same hair, even the same coat you wear. You’re meeting up with someone for coffee from the looks of it. You don’t recognise the other person though.
“What's this?” You ask confused. The next page shows the transcript of a call between you and someone else.
“A phone call between you and a man called; Andrei Nolan. He’s Makarovs right hand man.” John says you look up at him frowning.
“I’m assuming he’s the man in the photos too?” You ask flicking back to them. You look up at John who nods. You don’t even recognise the guy, he could have been someone you just hooked up with or bumped into. You try to think back but the date on the CCTV screenshot is marked out.
You hand the folder back to John.
“I don’t even recognise the guy.” You say. You cross your arms, you don’t expect him to believe you.
“We caught him in Russia about a week ago. He was more than happy to talk about your meetings.” John says.
“Meetings?” You question raising an eyebrow. You don’t like this, this is feeling all too familiar to the last few days. You’re one step away from having a rag pressed on your face again.
“We assumed you were selling secrets to him.” Jon says. You scoff, looking over at Kate who tips her head slightly watching you both.
“What changed your mind?”
“Our mole in Konni gave us intel that exonerated you.” Kate says.
“That’s why it took so long, we had to assume the worst until we could prove any different.” He sighs, you look at him. “We had to do our job. If we didn’t we could have been accused of harboring a traitor, giving you special exemptions.”
You laugh, you can't believe what he's saying. You can feel tears welling back up in your eyes. You turn away. You won’t let him see you cry. You hear him take a step towards you, you freeze. He sighs almost like he’s trying to find the right words to say.
“I really am sorry. I never thought it would come to this but our hands were tied we-”
“You had a choice.” You snap, turning back to look at him. “You always have a choice. You told me that once.”
“I-”
“No! You had a choice and you chose this. You could have let me rot in a cell for a few days. Or suspended me, hell I would have taken a flight back to the UK as a traitor. Instead you-” The words catch in your throat tears escape your eyes. You step back away from him, swallowing hard.
“I want a transfer.” You say finally trying to keep your voice level. You wait for his response, your eyes digging into him. He straightens up, now he looks like he’s about to cry. Good, you hope they feel horrible for what they did.
“Why don’t you think about it for a few days. You don’t have anywhere to be, you can take some time to rest.” Kate says. You look over at her.
“Rest?” You scoff, looking back at John. “I can’t sleep without being back in that room over and over again. I can’t wash my hands or take a shower without having flashbacks. Everytime I see you I panic, thinking something new will happen, more ‘evidence’ against me and I’ll be back in that room again.”
John doesn’t say anything, his eyes are relaxed, his lips pressed together. You hope the guilt is eating him alive. You can see the dark circles under his eyes, the way he clenches his fists when you talk to him.
“I want a transfer.” You say again holding your ground. He doesn’t move, he doesn’t say anything, just nods his head slightly. You let out a shaky breath. You nod back at him and turn to leave, you thought it would feel like a weight has been lifted but instead you feel worse.
You’re turning your back on the people you love, the people you spent the last 2 years with. The people you thought you would spend the rest of your life with. It hurts. Maybe more then the torture at least the physical part. The betrayal, the emotional toll of having the people you love hurt you so much.
“Johnny knows by the way.” You say as you open the door and you leave without looking back.
—--------------
“You need to calm down Johnny.” Simon says as Johnny’s trying to get out of bed.
“He’s right Soap, you’re no good to anyone like this, you've just had major surgery.” Kyle says trying to help Simon get control of the situation.
“Fuck you.” Johnny snaps, pulling his arm out of Simon's grip and swinging his legs out the bed.
“What’s going on?” John asks as he enters the room taking in the scene.
“You tortured her. For 4 days you made her suffer, what were you thinking?” Johnny asks John in almost disbelief. “The snakes really? Low even for you.”
“Does it matter?” John asks, coming into the room sighing.
“What the fuck is wrong with you two?” Johnny asks scoffing and looking between Simon and John.
“Of course it fuckin’ matters. She’s our girl cap. Or did you forget that?” There's spite in Johnny’s voice as he digs his eyes into John.
“Get back into bed.” John says walking up to the bed.
“Fuck no. I want to see her.” Kyle pushes Johnny back, keeping him in the bed.
“You know she’ll just drag you back here.” Kyle says. Johnny grunts, giving up pushing against him, he’s too weak anyway. He sighs, shaking his head.
“You really thought it was her?” He asks.
“The intel we had was solid.” John says. Kyle scoffs this time, Johnny looks up at him raising an eyebrow.
“Does it justify 4 days of torture though?” Kyle says, there’s spite in his voice too. John sighs, he can regret it all he wants but it happened and that's on him and Simon.
“Regardless, we had to act on it.” Simon says coming round to the end of the bed.
“We should have done it differently.” John says.
“You think?” Johnny snaps looking over at him. Johnny shakes his head again. He swings his legs back into the bed, Kyle lets out a breath of release.
“I can’t believe it. You fucking broke her. The person we’re supposed to love. 4 days, 4 fucking days.” Johnny pinches the bridge of his nose. There’s silence in the room, tension thick in the air.
“What are we going to do?” Johnny asks no one in particular.
“Nothing.” John says, everyones eyes turn to him. “She’s asked for a transfer.”
—--------------
You walk into Johnny’s room around midnight. You couldn’t sleep again. You’re sick of sleeping. The pills don’t help, they just make you feel trapped in your dreams. You try to silently enter and pull a chair up to his bed but he stirs awake.
“Hey lass,” he says, turning in the bed to face you. He looks sad, his face puffy. He’s been crying.
“I didn’t mean to wake you.” You whisper.
“Come up.” He says shuffling in the bed and pulling the covers out the way.
“I shouldn’t-”
“You should.” He says cutting you off. You smile and reach town to take your boots off. He moves to get more comfortable as you climb into bed next to him. He immediately wraps his arms around you pulling the thin hospital blankets over you.
You lay there for a few seconds, breathing him in. He smells of hospital, but there’s a hint of Johnny there, the lingering smell of gunpowder and whatever musky cologne he uses. It makes you smile as you rest your head on his shoulder.
“Trouble sleeping?” He asks, kissing the top of your head. You hum.
“Me too.”
You’re comfortable laying up against him. Suddenly you feel bad for leaving, you don’t know how you’re going to tell Kyle and Johnny. You need to go though, it's better for everyone. You can’t work with them again, not after what they did.
Johnny and Kyle will understand. You’re sure they will.
“I’m sorry you got shot.” You say, it feels like something you have to say.
“Shh, you saved my life love. I wouldn't be here if it wasn’t for you.” He says kissing your head again. His hands are running over you like it’s the first time he’s touching you. You know that’s a lie, you have to convince yourself they can save themselves. They would be lost without each other, they wouldn’t be lost without you.
You’re going to miss him. You close your eyes, breathing him in relaxing your arm over his stomach while he strokes you.
You’ll see them again, keep in contact with Kyle and Johnny at least. You just can’t work with them anymore.
“I love you Johnny.” You say, it hurts. For the first time ever it hurts to say it.
“I know love. I love you too.” You smile letting him hug you tighter. You try to stay away but your eyes are heavy, the sounds of the machines lulling you to sleep.
You’ll tell them tomorrow you promise yourself.
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