#it's all very disconcerting
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somehow someone else has my phone number on their nhs file which means I've been getting all their communications for TWO YEARS. apparently they have a therapy appointment on monday so I sure hope they've got that written down somewhere since I'm the one getting texts about it
#the weirdest thing is they're local to my area too so it started when i was away at uni and got a phone call from my local hospital#and i freaked out thinking someone in my family was there but it turned out they were trying to call this other person#so i explained at the time it was the wrong number#but clearly the message did not get passed on#because since then I've had various vaccine reminder texts and prescription collection reminders#i tried contacting the pharmacy and the gp practice to be like 'please tell this person when you see them they have the wrong number down'#but nobody is listening so every so often i get told about this stranger's medical information#and it's always referring to the same hospitals and services that i would use because they live nearby#it's all very disconcerting#talking
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Janeway in 'Nothing Human' vs Tuvok in 'Resolutions' There's something here I know there is I can almost wrap my teeth around it.
#I can't watch Nothing Human bc the puppet really disconcerts me#but I cannot believe Janeway really came into B'Elanna's room after all that and the FIRST thing she says...her OPENER is#'Wow it smells awful in here~!'#DUDE....................TIME AND PLACE#HEHEHHE#C'MON MAN#B'Elanna: Is [putting it behind us] an order? / Janeway [normal!]: Yes.#'And what emotion is that?' C'MON MAN!!!!!!#Janeway & Tuvok#Kathryn Janeway#Tuvok#I can see why she and Tuvok are friends#'I understand you're upset but fall in line'#You can be upset but not if effects your work#<- Something which would be fine on a regular ship but is very difficult on Voyager#I think Janeway's certain coldness or ruthlessness which can be aimed at either friend or foe is an interesting#aspect of her personality#Ex: She and B'Elanna COULD have feasibly had a more touching scene together to close out the episode but they don't#I don't know if I'm explaining myself well right now I'm a bit ill and more than a bit tired#Something about uhh maybe....people under their command vehemently and emotionally disagreeing with them/their decisions??#you can disagree with me but not if you don't follow me anyway#Voyager a ship full of contradictions#they have to all work together and they are all closer emotionally than any other starship due to their situation#but they are also still 'at work' and are expected to follow orders. It's like a 'casual' hierarchy but it's still a hierarchy#and you can't fall too far out of line bc you're someone dear to me#but you're also a valued cog in the machine#and even though you ARE valued you ARE still a cog in the machine#but you're also my dear friend. and all of these things are true at once.#all of that of course but also Janeway & Tuvok are displaying a very particular kind of shared leadership style in these moments#Janeway is obviously on the whole MUUUCH more charismatic and understanding than Tuvok but still - when push comes to shove...
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Just finished Reservoir Dogs, and I—
what— what… was that? [sigh] a chain of very intelligent decisions not influenced by emotion [c o U gh] deep, deep love at all oh god
I don’t even like crime moves and keep watching crime movies for the whump thinking the next one will be different— none of them ever are. They’re very well-done but awful at the same time, you know? I like grimdark but not this specific brand of realistic fiction grimdark. It’s not even cathartic (to me). No, it’s seven gigantic shots of depresso espresso injected into the bone marrow and idk how to feel about it, but one thing is for certain:
I am living for the White-Orange bromance… it was nice while it lasted djdjdjdnjdkdkdjdmsmmsls
#Also it’s very comforting to know I’m not the only person with a very fucked-up use for “Stuck in the Middle With You.”#although mine may arguably be worse and more cringeworthy because it has to do with a worse even more unhinged movie#Even though Mr. Blonde absolutely made that officer into Vincent Van Gogh post-breakdown with that song playing#Ooooooffffffff#Reservoir Dogs#It’s interesting watching this type of movie because even in The Hit you could sympathize with the lady#(y’know… the lady who bit John Hurt’s hand in a very animalistic (iconic) way)#Yeah there’s no one like that here. I don’t like any of them as people and they all kinda deserved it tbh#But it’s still viscerally disappointing and disconcerting regardless which is a hallmark of a good film#If you can elicit sympathy-adjacent responses for unsympathetic characters#Although again White and Orange were cute and what they had is kind of endearing#Damn you Tarantino (affectionate)#Well done. I hate it.#White and Orange struck me more as a parent-adoptive child dynamic#in which Orange is a house sparrow who kicked the other babies out of the nest
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one thing about barton is that he (unfortunately) has the most dead-eyed stare half the time, even when he's describing something extremely traumatic that happened to him, so people may not know whether it's due to the fact that he just doesn't feel like he has ' life ' in him or if this is because he was really messed up by the trauma (it's both. it's both in most cases)
#OF MONSTERS AND MEN: musings.#yeahhh he uh. i feel like every time he talks about his bio father in particularly he gets this dead eyed look to him-#and it may be kind of disconcerting to see BUT part of it is due to the fact that he has kind of separated himself from the pain if that-#makes any sense?? like barton sometimes thinks about his past in such a way that it makes him feel like it happened to someone else-#bc he genuinely cannot still comprehend all of the trauma that wesley put him through sooo yeah. but he'll also get this look when-#talking about how it was like to transition from being in a VERY toxic household (aka with wesley) to being in what comparatively was a-#saints household (winslows household) bc both of the environments were so different that they were like light and day to him-#buttt whenever barton talks about his father he pretty much is ALWAYS speaking about wesley bc (and i know this is just... OMG but)#he taught him the ideology that he uses today that is such a big part of his life now so his brain tries to occasionally tell him that that#and other... thing's that wesley did that were very much NOT love were actually his way of showing love to him and it's. yeahhh it's#kind of devastating but anyhow JSJSJ how are y'all doing today? have you been drinking enough water and have you eaten yet?#tw: discussions of mental illness.#tw: trauma.
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does anyone else find heart palpitations just. extremely unpleasant? like i know theyre not ~bad or anything but i still Hate having them
#idk it just freaks me out having my heart thump so noticeably#been having p bad heart palpitations all night (idk if its a period thing or what. i assume it is?) and it suuuuucks#also my heartrate has been SO high lately#like my fitbit has been saying my avg resting is like?? 75???#when normally its abt 60#and usually theres a rly obvious drop off when im asleep vs awake#but now my heartrate is high even while sleeping???#bp is still low tho#n im definitely still potsy lol#its just. weird#i dont like it#i hate strange heart-related sensations#very disconcerting
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the fog..... THE FOOOGGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!!!!!!
#u cannot see zuera at all this is like. top moments of monday mornings in the winter. traveling w boira#and barely knowing where you are. its very disconcerting i love iiiittttttt <3333#z xarre
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Found a blog that calls the Karamatsu + Ichimatsu + Jyushimatsu trio the "problematic trio" and wow, let's see, nudism, shits on tables, and can sustain a boner for hours while submerged in icy water at the mere mention of girls? They're so right lmfao
#public menaced all of them#they all also have very disconcerting mascot personas?????#so chaotic?????? i love them?????????????#rambles#kaijuumatsu#Menaces*#ososan rambles
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p5 suou au microwaving in my head thinking about shiho's parents' change of heart eventually lead to katsuya and maya taking her in. hmm. oh i could be so unhinged about this. akechi has shit to Say about this and none of the Phantom Thieves are going to enjoy it because they always strive for the ideal outcome and. well. akechi does not. and i think too much peace so suddenly with her parents would just leave Shiho on edge after so long under their scrutiny anyway.
#p5 suou au#like. imagine living with the same two parents that threw you under the bus#just because they had a forced change of heart#you still vividly remember how they've hurt and wronged you#they've apologised and expressed remorse and Everything#so now everything is meant to be all hunky dory and whatever#[akechi voice] that is bullshit the best thing you guys can do for each other is Cut Those Fucking Ties!!!!!!!#idk i just think of the mementos quest where you help futaba's online friend#when her parents are basically sex trafficking her or whatever?#and idc how much a change of heart someone could have#sometimes it's best to just leave it at that and then Never Fucking Engage With Them Again#the obligation to is ultimately dissolved#and in Shiho's case? yeah. yeah i just think something like that happening and being the real result of her parents change of heart.#i have a lot of thoughts on this#mostly bc i think the dynamic between shiho and akechi could be very interesting.#something something ''do you actually want to bother wasting your time with family that already betrayed you''#''do you think haru here is cordial with me because she wants to be no it's because it's an occupational hazard now''#''could you all cut the hallmark movie shit. holy fuck.''#they already ruined their relationship with shiho and#if shiho isn't AWARE of the thieves doing this for her the change of heart would be disconcerting anyway and she'd STILL be on her toes#around them!!! tell me she wouldn't!!!#not to mention katsuya and maya would be out for their blood anyway#i do also think ryuji would have a thing or two to say about this#given his own shitty dad#dude would NOT want him back in his life just because he made amends or whatever#get that boku no academia endeavour shit outta hereeeeee
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"i read the wiki and i saw the pages/panels already, why do i need to read the comics?"
because a) some those comics fuck with awing dexterity and stamina b) there's a good chance shit is out of context or simply misrepresented (innocently, humorously, ignorantly or maliciously) and c) you know the beats/endings of tons of shit, but it doesn't impede your enjoyment of it, now does it? sure it's nice to go in spoiler free, but if the gimmick of spoiling material is all a piece of media has, then that piece of media is meritless. you knew who luke skywalker's father was before you saw the movie. is it still worth watching? you knew romeo and juliet died before you read the play. is it still worth reading? do you not want to go on a journey? do you not want to feel something? do you not want to commiserate about the human experience through art? a wiki will never be comprehensive enough to cover everything you would have read or seen yourself--it can't be, not without being the thing itself. even then, you still miss the things not on the page/screen, the things that are only implied, the things that go unstated, or else conspicuously omitted. don't talk to me about shit haunting the narrative if the only haunting you've ever been apart of was your passing despite your dogshit analysis skills haunting the conscience of your eng 101 adjunct professor in perpetual fear of losing their contract and being relocated from their car to under a bridge by demanding college students demonstrate basic reading comprehension, critical thinking, and coherent argumentative skills. boast about killing the author? my friend, you are cain advancing in the fields, skulking, stepping in abel's footprints, filled with murderous intent, with nothing but the chinese telephone-equivalent of a description of a weapon cutting into your soft palms.
#lmfao me#capeshit#thinking about that panel where blown-out-back damian is screaming at dick that he's crazy and he caused [all this]#that was used as an example of damian being a little shit#when it literally was all dick's fault bc he dipped a corpse in the green juice and that corpse tried to kill damian#do i know all the major beats of nightwing 1996? yes. spoiled to hell and back. did i get jerked around by emotions at multiple points#and cry like a bitch when dick tried to comfort aaron in the wreckage of the their apartment complex? i sure as fuck did! big ol' emotions.#the thing is you can read that scene on a wiki you can see it isolated on your screen but you will lack so. much.#the thing is comics are a visual medium. so much is said merely in the positioning the juxtaposition of panels.#like in venn diagram. what the FUCK was that. i don't know. but you sure as fuck won't find it on a wiki. but my eyes saw it!#ask ten people to describe a facial expression in a photo or explain why someone did something in a short story excerpt#and very quickly you will or should notice something disconcerting. you could be getting your information from any of those ten.#what did you see? what did you read? why. fucking argue about it like god intended.#yes indeed god gave humans free will to argue about their blorbos their specialist boys on the internet.#c o n s u m e t h e o r i g i n a l m e d i a n o t p r o d u c t s a n d a e s t h e t i c s
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god if I get to that rewrite I am going to make cadenza an uncanny horror girlie. Doesn't blink nearly enough. Sits eerily still sometimes. Just beautiful and very sweet but also just Unnerving. I want the scene of her father finding her to be really uncomfortable, not just because of the tragedy, but because of the WAY Cadenza acts. The way she talks. I want her to speak in a way children do not speak, but sound calm, turned away from Hayden, still picking the flowers, maybe some soot on her. Then he asks her a question, and she turns around, and she looks at him and there's tears running down her face, but her expression is mostly calm, her eyes wide open, looking into his, as she tells him how her mother and father are burning alive in the village. Clearly something is WRONG with her. And maybe Hayden chalks it up to the trauma at first, the way she responds to the tragedy, but even as she grows up, she's still got that weird stare, that odd way of speaking.
#cadenza mcd#mcd#jeremiahs mcd notes#now listen here#i do not care for sarah j maas' books all that much#i have read many of them bc there is stuff in there that is legitimately well done and somewhat interesting#but she usually manages to ruin that cool element as she's introducing a new promising thing to follow#it's a whole thing#the books kind of keep you hostage#but one thing i did sort of really love was armen#the way she is so fucking disconcerting#but she is treated as an equal and a friend to these people#i like dynamics like that#just a weird weird girl and her loving friend group#and i think i'd like to take it sort of that route with Cadenza#except with Armen they are very very afraid of her bc she could do them harm#i think the fear around cadenza is mostly just not knowing what's up with her. like what her deal is.#bc it is clear she isn't normal#but it isn't clear just by those signs WHAT makes her abnormal precisely#she just isnt#and they do not know what she sees or what she does#but she is sweet to them and she is their friend
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my latest thing to accept healthwise is that my memory is dogshit and that my recollections are imperfect to the point of being fully made-up and that i can't actually even remember if i've ever Had a good memory or not because i don't know if my memories of having a good memory are real. this sounds like the result of years of dedicated gaslighting but i swear to god my brain actually is this dogshit, no external forces have Done This To Me. it DOES make it really easy to gaslight MYSELF, though.
#autoimmune tag#thank fucking god i overshare so much here actually.#this blog in many ways serves a journal's purpose#in that i keep going back to things that happened months or years ago that i made posts about on the day-of#and i either don't remember them at all or i remember them Very Wrong.#which is. disconcerting.#wouldn't be a big deal if i couldn't trust past me but i at LEAST know i don't make stuff up for notes#like i often word things as humorously or inoffensively as possible. but i don't wholesale fabricate stuff
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impossible to watch murder she wrote without running into a mash cast member. mike farrell i am trying to relax and play sudoku and watch my show. what are you doing here
#seriously they are all there. wayne rogers and larry linville and david ogden stiers and now bj hunnicutt himself.#very disconcerting to see an actor i know in a show i dont know them from#like being a kid and seeing a teacher at the grocery store#rambles
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When your favourite Tumblr follows you back
#I got a disconcerting number of followers from the no fly list posts the past two days#a couple Ive developed an embarrassingly parasocial relationship with. not naming names 😌#hullo new buds! i'm very flattered!#cant help feeling like Ive misrepresented myself as someone who knows anything about anything though#fyi I put all my late night mental breakdowns under a cut and tagged 'please ignore' which can be taken at face value#its been rough going dudes#also feel free to drop me an ask or message or reply if you need a tw or a tag#i will probably be able to accommodate you <3#tumblr culture#tumblr memes#followers and mutuals#knee of huss
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was thinking about this again and... i mean it’s not really the prompt but it did remind me of the ghostspeak-from-afar thing
anyway have this thing that was sitting in my notes for ages
.
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“Once the doorway has been opened, it cannot be so easily closed again.”
Clockwork’s warning rings in his ears, over and over again, even as he helps the rest of his fright pack their things into the Spectre Speeder.
It is a risk. Perhaps not one he should be taking, as King-to-be, but...
There is an ache, a hollow place where another of their little ghostly family used to be. Something had ripped one of their own from them, and ghosts are not beings who let go easily. Team Phantom will not give up hope of finding their lost member any easier.
So they gather what they cannot leave behind, unsure when they will be back (if they will ever be able to return) and sequester it all away in the Speeder, along with everything they’d need to build a portal or three to the Ghost Zone, their weapons, and enough ectoplasm to keep a city running for thirty years; they say their goodbyes without fanfare and promise to call if they can get the Fenton Fones working where they’re going.
And then they leave, disappearing through the portal in the Fentons’ basement.
Clockwork said that Jason had been forcibly returned to whence he came. That is their only clue, except for the stories he used to tell - about a dark city, and a man dressed as a bat, and rooftops guarded by gargoyles.
They will start with that.
.
Jason is angry, and mourning, and half-convinced his memories of the time in between dying and living are little more than strange fantasies.
The other half of him already knows there is no way back, even if the memories are real.
(His fright is gone and it hurts- )
He tells no one of the memories. He speaks nothing of ghosts, and infinite realms, and a half-dead boy and his friends and the things they did together. Instead he settles back into a life he had left behind, a skin that feels too big for him and yet far too small, a world that is familiar in the worst of ways.
He goes along with the woman who dragged his soul back into his walking corpse until she turns him loose on Gotham, and he rages and kills and taunts the Bat with all his failures because he has nothing else.
He wrestles with the corrupted energy of the Lazarus Pit and does things he regrets. He stands on a precipice, balanced precariously between what he thinks he can live (hah) with and what he knows he cannot. He decapitates drug lords. He avoids the new Robin. He kills those who harm the innocent. He doesn’t interfere when he sees the bats in trouble. He claims Crime Alley as his turf (his haunt, wails something inside of him) and becomes a crime lord. He can’t help himself from leaving clues for the bats, that the boy they buried might not be truly gone.
He fights the Bat, once. It is violent and bloody and when it’s over Jason is left seething with rage that both is and is not his own.
So the next time they cross paths, he fights the Bat again.
And again.
And-
(There is a sound like a bell, like ice shifting, like whale song, like static and the caw of crows and a million other little things; the silent ringing of the space between stars, cold and heat and light and colour. It is a roar and a whisper and a siren’s call, a voice so familiar to him that it soothes the jagged, broken pieces inside of him.
It rings across Gotham, not heard so much as felt down to your very bones; once, twice. He is still, no breath in his lungs, and though Batman is mere yards away with hands on a batarang and a grapple, Jason pays him no attention: his sight is riveted on the horizon, searching for a figure he knows like his own soul.
The third time, Jason answers in kind: a trilling that is too loud to have come from his physical throat. It sounds like glass splintering and the silence after an explosion and the click-click-click of picking a lock, like the clang of metal against metal and the strange sound that lingers in the air afterward, like wings beating and the lyrical call of a lone bird, like a fire burning dry grass.
It contains all the things that have gone unsaid for the past two and a half years he has been alone. Pain and loneliness and anger at things he cannot change. And relief. So much relief that his limbs are weak with it.
They’re here. They’re here they’re here they’re here
They came for him.)
#in my notes this is called Dimensional Frightmate so make of that what you will#anyway the bats have no idea what's going on#or why after fighting batman that first time red hood became Very Insistent on knock-down drag-out fights with him#like Actively seeking him out for fights where his whole strategy seems to be Feral Energy#or why he suddenly Froze at the (admittedly mysterious and very disconcerting) sound that all of gotham apparently heard#HOLY SHIT HOWD HE MAKE THAT SOUND#and ope there he goes#better Follow Him#oh hey a group of people in a... the fuck is that#a spaceship?#oh he knows them#oh he's hugging them#oh this is a Reunion huh#OH?!#HE'S REMOVING HIS HELMET?#... hey wait a second#*one of the group calls rh Jason*#HEY WAIT A SECOND#bruce is sobbing crying thats his baby boy#and jason is having too good a time reuniting with his fraid to care about Literally Anything Else#like hey isn't that you dad#listen ive seen him plenty i haven't seen you guys in TWO YEARS#HE CAN WAIT#anyway ya'll let me know if you wanna see more of the story fragments in my notes#i have. so many#it's becoming a Problem.#graphite writes#(for once)
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I wish I had a good metaphor for how my life feels sometimes, because I wish I could say it felt like I was a citizen of Pleasantville but it's so much more surreal and complicated than that
#between being forced to come out to some family members this weekend (and not getting the response i expected AT ALL)#and some work related experiences i just had tonight#i was thinking about this. because my internal reality and expectations of how the world works based on how i grew up#are apparently way disconnected from what the Real reality is for like 99% of people in our modern world#and it's very disconcerting and honestly scary even though people usually behave in a LESS scary way than what i expect#cant believe i am still out here having the exact same revelations as when i was 14 going to public school for the first time... o well#self#''wow it's so scary that you treat me nice'' well thats a normal thought to have
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*puts a photo of me in between two random photos i took of the sky today, not because they go together whatsoever but simply so any poor soul that happens to scroll across this post won’t be jumpscared by one giant image of me taking up their entire dash* :)
also yes those are the Everything Stays shoes that i wear far too often and i thought about Moon and flustered my damn self when i was putting them on today and if you want to know why i thought of him specifically… well, you’re just gonna have to read Ch. 4 of ES when i post it on Thursday and you’ll find out 😊
#Seven.txt#my face#i love how i use the my face tag as my catch-all selfie tag and then. you can hardly even see my face in the pics#anyways. *wears my daycare fit to my root canal appointment bc i am a fucking clown for letting my tooth get this bad* 🙃#also it’s just very comfortable and i like it. but yeah! 4th dentist appt. out of 7 is done and dusted!!!#yes it’s 7 now instead of 6 because of course it is. of course it is.#it’s fine tho. i think today was the worst of it and it was overall a very fine time! i once again had no need for the sickening amounts#of anxiety that kicked my ass for the last two days prior to the appointment. as soon as i got settled in the chair that weird haze#of Calm washed over me and everything went well! but does my anxiety care about that? does it learn? no! never!#so i’m sure i’ll be sick with fear again the next three times as well but oh well. what can i do but suffer thru it#anyways if u wanna know what burning trees smell like and hear a disconcerting sizzling noise coming from ur mouth just get a root canal#it’s fun it’s a really great sensory experience (/i am Lying it is Not a fun sensory experience. take care of ur teeth and avoid the pain)#it’s lighthearted though it’s really not That bad. like i could tolerate it totally fine but it’s also not. fun. it’s just. Unplesant#anyways on another note i think i’m developing a crush on my dentist’s assistant lmao#like not Really but like also that’s not a complete joke. like. do u ever meet someone and just feel like you’d be friends#like it’s not something you’ll ever act on but you can’t ignore the feeling regardless?#it’s wild bc they look So fucking similar to someone i used to have a brief weird thing going with#like they both have such distinct eyes/facial features that i’ve never really seen on a lot of other people#and they compliment my hair and i compliment their tattoos and they tell me about the latest movies they’ve watched while i’m laying there#in the dentist chair for 50 minutes waiting for the dentist to finish with an unexpected drop-in patient#and they open the blinds to see what the deal is with the screaming old people outside the windows and they crack jokes and ramble about#their travel plans and they struggle to mix the temporary filling paste into the right consistency and they apologize for their handwriting#on the appointment cards they give me and i tell them it’s good handwriting and i mean it and Oh No i’m romanticizing my dentist visits.#aren’t i. lmao ANYWAYS i’m that dumbass that falls for every single person that is ever nice to me at all ever it’s fine i’m normal#the dentist delay was nbd btw i’m one of those freaks that actually enjoys waiting and also it was a bit of an emergency#for this mennonite mom and her son with an abscessed tooth so like who could be mad abt that#i’m never making another afternoon appt. again tho cause holy shit they get busy. i was in the waiting room for 30mins alone#1hr appt. turned into a 2.5hr appt. :) but it’s fine i just read fanfic on my phone to pass the time. and you’d think it was a dca fic#based on my clothes but no it was BG3 Astarion x Reader Hurt/Comfort bc i’ve latched onto a new blorbo this week and can’t get enough#so i’m obsessed with this traumatized vampire elf now but that’s a story for a different post’s tags
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