#it's about connection and loneliness and clinging to hope and letting go

[layalu]

Don't mind me i'm. Just gonna lay on the floor for a few hours and process this. (<- has just finished outer wilds)

[a-d-nox]

pac: mid-year reflection - what have you accomplished and what should you be working on for the rest of the year?

i'm trying something new, a pick a card. take what resonates leave what doesn't - nothing is 100% for you because these aren't personalized so please no angry comments or dms about what i am saying not being a good fit for you or that you "don't claim" just keep scrolling if that is the case. be kind, self reflect, and have fun.

last pac/pap: what exists before you that you can't see?

masterlist of pap/pac posts

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pile one

accomplished: you have fought past a hard time within your family. you broke free from the expectations and control you felt from them - good for you paving your own path!! you are now ready for the next level. continue to recharge and heal mentally as you prepare yourself for what is next. have faith you did the right thing - there is no going back now. continue to seek out inspiration for actions - and acting accordingly to your inspiration. you are steadily working towards achieving something just for yourself. just remember to remain flexible and have some patience for yourself.

still working on: you still have to work on your authority and stability - its not so improved that you can just move on. it's a process. practice being calm despite the chaos - manage your anxiety/stress. trust that you are mature enough to handle yourself and your situation. it's all about confidence, so get in touch with yours. don't be afraid to kick things up a notch. you have to practice stepping outside your comfort zone if you want to see some serious growth. at the same time, it wouldn't hurt you to take a break and take a step back from time to time (don't push yourself - you'll find yourself burnt out). you also have to work on not feeling so stuck - the past is in the past, nothing is guaranteed, fitting in is overrated, you aren't competing with anyone - that is all in your mind, and (this one you might not be ready for) your loneliness is likely self imposed (put yourself out there). take back your power in that regard! take some small steps towards what you truly want and you will feel a whole lot better before 2025.

pile two

accomplished: you have finally stopped putting so much pressure on yourself. it's such a relief! i know you are a perfectionist but it gets exhausting, no? but now you can see it's just not productive to continually compare yourself to others and now you are free. keep happily say "no" while focusing on what truly brings you joy. i feel like it's also a good thing you have lower your bar for yourself. high hopes are good but not to the detriment of your mental health and self-image. delays are okay - it's okay if you're vision is not true to reality; its probably healthier this way so keep reminding yourself that. just keep working and you will get what you need and where you need to be.

still working on: keep working on connecting with your intuition. start reconnecting with your gut - stop relying on others and allowing them to influence you. also it is imperative that you let go of whatever it is that you are clinging to. change only comes when you accept endings. surrendering what is leaving or has left allows for peace and gratitude for what still remains - so stop clinging, surrender, and create space in your life for new things. embrace some spontaneity in your life - something is about to happen and you just need to say "yes" (which sounds crazy when you read the accomplished section but you will know your say "yes" opportunity when you work past your disconnect with your gut). maybe it's travel, maybe a person, etc. say yes, take a chance. ride a wave.

pile three

accomplished: i am very proud of you. i feel like you're saving for something and are being proactive with your finances instead of spending unnecessarily. that or you are feeling a bit more stabilized and secure in a situation that was bothering you earlier in the year. you just have to keep trusting that you have what you need. give some credit to yourself for your hard work. i also feel like you learned something extremely important that really had a profound influence/impact on you these last 6 months. maybe you met someone who is helping you to be wiser about how you live life and appreciate life too. you could also be moving past something that really disappointed you or hurt your feelings. you aren't too hurt by the past to not try again - you have hope once more. your emotions are no longer stagnant or restricted as they once were. keep up the good work!

still working on: you haven't been working on something that you have been planning to - it's time you stop pushing it off and get to work. stop being so frustrated and impatient with yourself due to the lack of progress you are making. be real with yourself and stop procrastinating then you will have no reason to be frustrated. otherwise, it might be time you adjust your expectations. start doing what you love again. hard work, no matter daunting it may be, will pay off when it's something you believe in. hell even if its small bits of progress, it's better than nothing. some progress will improve your spirits. life will get in your way to test how badly you really want something oftentimes. there is something to gain in breaks and stillness - start waiting around when you finally realize what it is.

[anyca786]

Family

Dad!Klaus Mikealson x Mom/Stepmother!reader x boyfriend!Elijah Mikealson + (Hope Mikealson & Selene Mikealson)

Summary: After finding out, Hayley was pregnant with Klaus's child, the witches found another werewolf named (y/n) who was pregnant with his child as well. Fast forward, Elijah Mikealson falls in love with y/n and eventually starts dating his brother's baby mama. Selene Mikealson, was born nine months after Hope Mikealson. One day when Hope gets a nightmare, she finds comfort in (y/n)'s arms.

A low whimper echoed through the grand foyer of the Mikaelson mansion. (Y/n) was curled up on the plush couch with a book in her hand, instantly perked up. The sound was unmistakably Hope's, laced with fear and a hint of loneliness. Hayley, was away on a werewolf pack errand, leaving Elijah and her to manage the two little Mikaelsons for the night.

(Y/n) rose, her heart clenching at the thought of a scared Hope. Padding down the hallway, she found Hope standing by her bedroom door, tears glistening in her bright beautiful eyes. "Hey, what's wrong, Hope?" she asked gently, kneeling before the little girl.

Hope sniffled, clutching a stuffed toy to her chest. "I had a bad dream," she mumbled, burying her face in the bear's fur.

(Y/n)'s heart ached for the little one. She ushered Hope towards her own room, a haven of soft pink and stuffed animals. "Come on, let's get you back to bed. Maybe some cuddles will chase the bad dream away."

Sniffling softly, Hope followed (y/n), her small hand slipping into the (y/n)'s larger one. The warmth of Hope's hand filled her with a strange sense of protectiveness. Even though she wasn't Hope's biological mother, the little girl held a special place in her heart. Maybe it was the shared Mikaelson blood that flowed through both their veins, a strange connection forged by circumstance.

In her room, Selene, Hope's half-sister, was fast asleep, a tangle of blonde curls nestled amidst the plush blankets. She carefully tucked Hope in beside Selene, the two girls forming a picture of peaceful innocence.

"There you go," she murmured, tucking the covers around them. "See? No more bad dreams here."

Hope looked up at her, a flicker of hope replacing the fear in her eyes. "Will you stay with us?" she asked, her voice barely a whisper.

(Y/n) smiled, her heart overflowing with affection. "Of course, I will. We'll chase away any bad dreams that dare to come near."

Settling onto the edge of the bed, the she began humming a soft lullaby, a melody she'd picked up from listening to Elijah sing to Selene and Hope.

Hope snuggled closer, her eyelids drooping. Soon, her breaths became even and deep, the fear replaced by the gentle rhythm of the lullaby.

Just as (y/n) was about to rise, a soft creak at the doorway made her turn. There stood Klaus, his face etched with concern that quickly melted into something softer when he saw the sight before him. Hope and Selene were nestled together, Hope clinging to (y/n) with a peaceful expression on her face.

A strange warmth bloomed in Klaus's chest, a feeling he hadn't experienced in a long time. Seeing Hope find comfort in (y/n), someone who wasn't him or Hayley, was oddly reassuring. Maybe it was the way the she held Hope, a sense of genuine care radiating from her. Or maybe it was the sight of his two daughters, so different yet connected, slumbering peacefully together.

A soft smile tugged at the corners of his lips. He hadn't realized how much he craved a family, a sense of normalcy amidst the chaos of their lives. (Y/n), with her gentle touch and unwavering affection, seemed to bring a sense of balance he hadn't known he needed.

A low chuckle escaped his lips, catching (y/n)'s attention. She looked up, her cheeks flushing a light pink. "Hope had a nightmare," she explained softly.

Klaus nodded, his gaze lingering on the sleeping girls. "She seems to have found a good cure."

(Y/n)'s lips curved into a smile. "She always does when she has cuddles."

Their eyes met, and for a moment, the air crackled with unspoken emotions. Elijah, who had just entered the room, witnessed the exchange, a silent understanding passing between them. He watched as (y/n) tucks a stray strand of hair behind Hope's ear, a small gesture that spoke volumes of her care.

A bittersweet pang shot through Elijah's heart. He had always longed for a family, for children of his own. But his curse, a cruel twist of fate, had denied him that dream. But seeing the love of his life with Hope and Selene, a warmth bloomed in his chest nonetheless. He loved (y/n), and seeing her love for the children filled a void he hadn't even realized existed.

"You're good with them," Elijah finally said, his voice gruff but gentle.

(Y/n) looked at him, a flicker of surprise in her eyes. "They're good kids," she replied softly. "Hope just needed a little comfort."

[mel-the-simp]

Drunken fun

Billy Hargrove x chubby! Reader

Where you and billy are at a party, and he gets tired of you wanting to keep things a secret. With drinking comes courage

4,550 words

!!!!CW!!!! Underage alcohol use, grinding, oral (F! Receiving), sex (p in v), slight fatphobia (billy handles it), fluff, SMUT

The party was in full swing, people dancing and drinking, grinding and singing. You were one of those people. You stood in the middle of the living room, classic red solo cup in hand with a mixture of sweet juice and pungent alcohol.

You were wearing a tight knitted halter top and a long flowery skirt, the thin fabric swaying with your chubby hips. You danced as KISS played on one of the boomboxes somewhere in the living room, singing along before taking a sip of the cocktail in your cup.

You felt eyes on you, not knowing if it was from disgust from the confidence you exuded or lust. You bit your cherry red bottom lip softly as you looked around, trying to catch the one, or several culprits. As you scoped out the room, you saw glacier blue eyes staring you down, making you shiver.

Billy Hargrove, the known back breaking man slut of the school. Or, well, he was until recently. No one knew why, but he suddenly stopped his sexual escapades about 2 months ago. Everyone thought he was just taking a break, but you knew why.

Those nights you would sneak out of your house, sometimes catching your brother Dustin doing the same, and only let him off the hook so he wouldn’t say anything to mom. Those nights consisted of you getting into Billy’s Chevrolet Camaro, driving to secret spots in Hawkins and just, enjoying each others company. No sex, no hot make out sessions, just, talking, basking in each others presence.

Not to say sex wasn’t involved, there were definitely nights where you both would be hot and sweaty, clutching each other in lustful desperation. The feeling not only filling your sexual desires, but filling the void of loneliness. The need for human connection and touch.

You and Billy have been doing this for two months, and even longer now that you thought about it. You were both in need of a genuine connection one way or another, and despite the obvious differences between you two, it just worked. The differences drew you together, and made it… pleasant. It warmed your heart just to think of him, and you could tell that he felt a similar way, in his own Billy way.

However, due to his status, you wanted to keep it out of public eye. Billy wasn’t one to care, but you knew the relentlessness of the people here, and knew he would constantly be thrown crude comments of “so the fat girl?”, and you didn’t want the relentlessness of the cock thirsty girls at school either. So, you two kept quiet about your rendezvous.

You looked away from his sharp gaze, cheeks turning cherry as you felt his eyes linger on you. You tipped your cup and chugged the rest of your drink, hoping it’ll turn your buzz into a full on intoxication. You caught his glance once more from the corner of your eye before sauntering over to the kitchen to refill your cup.

You were shoulder to shoulder with someone who was obviously shitfaced from the way he was swaying and clinging to the counter for support. You rolled your eyes, trying to not draw attention to yourself. You scooped the punch into your cup, grabbing the Bacardi and putting in an extra shot or so.

You heard shuffling next to you and saw the guy looking at you with a flirty smirk. “Yknow, usually i don’t notice you, but you’re really pretty right now~” his words slurred horrifically, and eyes bloodshot. You looked away, uncomfortably sipping at your drink. He went to go touch your shoulder, before someone grabbed his hand.

A rough, slightly drunken voice came from behind you. “Hey, you’ve been drinking a lot man, why don’t you go puke, maybe it’ll make you feel better.” You looked behind you, big doe eyes looking up at Billy’s steel gaze. He flashed you his classic smirk, making butterflies swirl in your stomach. You looked away, watching as the man stumbled out of the kitchen to most likely either piss or puke somewhere.

Billy grabbed you by the waist, big hand gripping at the fat of your side. Your face grew hot at the contact, making you try and squirm away from him. “Billy… not here, people-“ he brought you closer, making you gasp as you felt his half hard-on press into your ass. “I dont fuckin care, you’re the one who insists on being a secret. ‘M so sick of it baby”

He leaned down and pressed his nose to the exposed bit of your neck, inhaling deeply. You bit your bottom lip, looking around anxiously to see if anyone was looking. You half expected a couple girls to be frothing at the mouth in anger, but somehow… no one was even paying attention.

You felt yourself relax into his touch, leaning into his chest with a soft smile. “Ok… yea, this is good” you swayed with him to the rhythm of the music, letting your hands snake down and hold his that were on your hips. He kissed up your neck, groaning softly at the feeling of your plush ass pressing against his now almost full hard-on.

He nipped at your earlobe, squishing the fat of your hips now. “Baby, i fuckin’ need you” his voice was gravely, slightly slurred from the intoxication. With the fuzz in your mind from your own drinking, you ground your ass against him as Duran Duran played on the boombox now.

You felt your stomach swirl with excitement as he did the same, the close sway of your bodies making his mind go blank, the only thing he could possibly think of now was ruining that pretty little cunt of yours. You chugged the rest of your drink, feeling yourself slip into full intoxication, giving you the courage to turn around and face him.

He was smirking down at you, licking his top teeth like some predator about to eat its prey. You wrapped your arms around his neck, pressing your plush body to his completely. He leaned down and kissed you deeply, making you moan softly. All care about image, or peoples opinions was thrown out the window as you melted into the kiss, hands playing in his hair.

He reached down and cupped your ass, kneading at it like his life depended on it. It was then you decided you both needed to ditch this party. Like, now. You pulled away, giggling as he tried chasing your kiss swollen lips with his own. You put your index finger against his lips, smirking as you got on your tiptoes to whisper in his ear. “Baby, lets get out of here”

You felt his grip tighten as he looked down at you with want. He didn’t say a word and nodded, grabbing his keys from his pocket and had his arm wrapped around your waist as you both made your way to the front door. Jason Carver came in front of billy right as the two of you made it out of the door with a confused look on his face. “Big Bill, where are you going? Partys just getting started man” his speech was only slightly slurred, he obviously wasn’t very drunk.

Billy just rolled his eyes and leaned over, reaching into your bra and pulling out your pack of cigarettes he knew all too well that resided there. He grabbed one and offered one to you, which you accepted and grabbed his lighter from his front pocket, lighting his then yours. Billy looked back over at Jason and blew some into his face, looking unamused. “Going to go have fun, whats it look like”

Jason looked you up and down, scrunching up his nose a bit and chuckling. “Didn’t think you’d stoop this low Billy, must be desperate after not getting laid for months now huh?” Your heart tensed a bit at that, the aching feeling of embarrassment and self hate started to creep up on you. You slightly shifted away from billy, face hot as you looked down.

Billys eyebrows furrowed as he watched your actions before looking back at Jason, taking a deep puff of his cigarette as he pulled you back to be flush to his side. “Baby, why don’t you go to the car, I’ll be right there” you looked up, nodding as you saw the vein on his neck protruding slightly. He was pissed. You softly took his hand off your hip and kissed it before walking to his car. He smacked your ass as you walked away, making you yelp.

You sat in the passenger seat and puffed off your cigarette as you watched Billy get up close to Jason, saying something as they were almost pressed together. You saw Jason stiffen, and say something back. Billy paused, before pushing Jason off the porch, stepping off the steps himself and squatted next to Jason. You felt your heart beat rapidly at Billys actions, face heating up and panties getting wet. You knew he was the protective type, seeing him give men and women alike dirty looks when they even looked at you.

But that was different, now, he was actively showing someone you were his. His. Your heart skipped a beat at the thought. He was showing you were his, and nothing in that moment could make you wipe the shit eating grin on your face. Billy stood up from his squat and said one more thing before starting to walk to the car. He made eye contact with you, seeing your grin he grinned back, getting into the drivers seat.

His hand automatically found your thigh after he started his car. He put his car in reverse, before pulling out of the driveway. He looked over at you as you finished your cigarette and threw it out the window. You looked over at him and smiled, reaching down and putting your hand over his. His hands were bigger than yours, both in width and size, which was rare because of your chubby fingers. He groped at your thigh, making you blush as you looked over at him.

He bit his lip as he went back to looking at the road, excitement evident in his features. Billy may be drunk, but honestly he drove better drunk. “Billy” you said softly, just above a whisper. He looked over at you from the corner of his eye for a second before looking back at the road, nodding his head in acknowledgement. “… I think I really, really like you Billy”

He paused for a second. It was never really spoken on what you too were, but you both knew it was more than a random fling, more than a normal friendship. There was feelings, deep rooted feelings. He squeezed your thigh, nodding as he gave a small smile. “Yea, makes two of us then huh?”

You smiled and nodded, finally deciding. Tomorrow, when you two were sober, you were going to tell him you loved him. With Billy, you knew those three little words were hard, and not a common hearing for him in general. But you did, and you knew from what you saw just minutes ago so did he. “Oh, one more thing billy” he hummed, tilting his head at you as if to say go ahead.

You lifted his hand off of your thigh and lifted your hips. He now was at a stop sign, looking over at you in confusion. You pulled your panties off, biting your lip as you rode your skirt all the way up, now setting his hand on the inside of your thigh. He looked at you in slight surprise for a second. You were never the one to initiate, especially this boldly. “I am, so fucking horny baby~ seeing you get all mean and angry really got me going baby”

He slid his hand to your warmth, large grin plastered on his face as he felt how soaked you were. “Well Id fuckin say, damn baby” he spoke with a chuckle, cock twitching in the tight confines of his blue jeans. His fingers slowly worked on your clit as he sped to his destination. Soft moans left your mouth as you spread your legs slightly for him to be able to finger you comfortably. You tossed your head to the side, face on fire, maybe from the intoxication or the feeling of stimulation, but non of that mattered. All that mattered is you were both pulling up to one of your classic spots.

It was a lot behind an abandoned pharmacy at the edge of town, one of your usual spots where you would commit your sins together. He suddenly pulled his fingers away from your wet cunt, making you whine. He just smirked, and got out of the car. You watched in confusion as he walked around the front and opened your door. He reached down and grabbed the little bar under the chair, and pushed your seat all the way back. He then grabbed the little lever on the side and let the chair tilt back till it couldn’t.

It clicked in your head what was happening when he got on his knees on the car floor, face stuffed into your plush tummy. He closed the door as he just took in your warmth, groaning at the smell of your perfume. Your breath was quick when he looked up at you, eyes lidded and glossed over with lust. You gently played with his hair, biting your now smeared cherry lip in anticipation.

He slowly kissed down your tummy, making you lay all the way down. He got to your plush pussy, nipping at the flesh. You gasped and whined with every nibble and suck. It wasn’t long till he slowly teased your clit, just barely grazing the little bundle of nerves with his tongue. You whine, gripping his hair a little harder and tried to get him closer to your heat.

He grabbed your wrist and snatched your hand away from his hair, looking up and glaring at you with those beautiful blue eyes. You whimper, pouting in frustration. “Baby please, wanna feel good, please Billy~” you begged, looking down at him with teary eyes. You were desperate, so needy for him it was insane. He moaned lowly and dove down, sucking your clit straight into his mouth. You moaned loudly, arching your back slightly.

He sucked on your clit roughly, before pulling away and flattening his tongue onto you. He knew how you liked it, remembering the first time he ate you out. It was your first time in general of a man doing that, and your legs were shaking as tears fell from your crystal coated eyes. He wasn’t usually one to put the woman’s needs first, but seeing how feral you were become over his tongue that first time, he’s needed that feeling ever since.

He groaned out in satisfaction at the taste of you, eyes closing as he got to work. He held your thighs up, arms wrapping around them to keep your legs in place. He swirled his tongue around your clit, humming as he sucked it back into his mouth and shook his head tide to side slightly. You moaned loudly, breath getting short as electricity ran up your spine.

He moved one of his arm to go underneath him, teasing your entrance with a thick calloused finger. His hands were rough, but soft at the same time. They were perfect for hand holding, soft touches, but the best for fingering. Once he slowly inserted those two fingers into you, it was over. He curled his fingers to hit that gummy spot, all the while he was eating you like a starved man. The feeling of his cold ring at your entrance as he was knuckle deep into you had you shiver, head thrown back as you felt your stomach tighten.

Bully chuckled against your clit causing a vibration, making you gasp out and squeal, grabbing onto the hand that was wrapped around your thigh to ground yourself. “Billy-“ your whisper breathless. He knew you were close, he could feel it. He quickened his pace, fingers and tongue trying to get you to your peak. You whined out loudly, squirming slightly as the knot got tighter and tighter. “G-Gonna cum billy, please-“ you moan as your toes curl, right at the brink. He smirked and sucked on your clit again, shaking his head side to side just how you liked it.

Your vision went black as your eyes rolled to the back of your head, knot coming undone as you came all over his face. Your mouth was hung in a silent scream, legs shaking at the side of his head. He fingered you through your orgasm, licking a flat stripe up your clit. Once overstimulation started to kick in, you pushed his head, gasping for air. He pulled away, slowly taking his fingers out of your cunt, eyeing you as he licked them clean.

He stood up, hunched over as he unzipped his pants. He leaned over you as he positioned himself on the seat. He softly sat on his knees on the seat, putting your thighs over his. Your glistening pussy was centimeters away from his aching red cock. He leaned down and kissed you deeply, hungrily licking at your bottom lip. You timidly opened your mouth and his tongue slid in, swirling around yours passionately. He reached onto the floor of the backseat, not breaking the kiss as he grabbed the clean towel he always kept in here.

When getting fucked dumb, you tend to make quite the mess. How remembers when you first squirted. He was fucking you dumb behind the school, had you pressed against the rough brick as he ruined you from behind. He vividly remembers the surprise he felt when he saw you moaned louder than usual, squirting all over his cock. Sure his jeans were soaked and so were yours, but that had been one of the hottest things he had ever seen you do.

So now, he always kept a towel in the back of his car, always ready for your beautiful mess. He lifted the both of your legs one after another to set the towel down on the seat,looking you in the eyes as he did so, as if saying ‘you’re going to be ruined’

After setting everything up, he went back to leaning back, looking at your soft. Chubby pussy as he ran his cock head along your slit. He flicked his eyes back up at you, smirking and licking his teeth as he slowly pushed in. He watched your face scrunch up and morph into pleasure, shivering himself as he felt your damp walls clamp onto him. He slowly rocked his hips, assessing how sensitive you were. From your reactions, he could tell you were going to be a mumbling mess in no time.

He chuckled lowly at this, leaning in and kissing you deeply. Usually with hookups, before you, he would never show any kind of affection. He even went as far as quickly jacking off on someone’s stomach and just leaving as he buttoned up his pants to stay away from any idea of affection. But with you? He loved you, genuinely. It was strange. He went from getting any pussy he wanted, to going as far as begging to eat you out some nights. You had him wrapped around your finger as much as you were wrapped around his.

He lifted up your thigh and started pounding into you, making you squeal against his lips, grabbing at his empty hand. You laced your fingers with his, pulling away from the kiss and moaning out his name. God that fucking moan had him already getting close. And he wasn’t one to cum quick. He leaned down and sucked at your neck as he ground into you, slight curve of his cock hitting that spot in your walls that made you shake. You grabbed at his hair with your extra hand, moaning right into his ear. God he felt so fucking good.

His cock molded perfectly with your cunt, almost as if you were made for each other. You felt the knot in your stomach start to get tighter, and whined out his name, catching his attention. He sat back up, pressing his sweaty forehead with yours. He looked intensely into your eyes as you gasped out, not being able to form words. He took the hand you were holding and brought it down to your clit, rubbing in fast and rough circles. He watched intently as you now grabbed his bicep, eyes begging for permission.

He leaned back, getting the full view as he spoke breathlessly “Go ahead Princess, cum for me~”. Your eyes rolled into the back of your head as you came harshly, legs shaking as you squirted all over his cock and thighs. You shrieked out a moan when you caught your breath as he kept pounding into you. Your walls gripped onto him in such a lovely way when you were overstimulated. He bit his lip, huffing and grunting as he got close, staring down at where the two of you connected. His eyes shot back up to yours, glowing with such a sensual aura you almost came again. “Lemme cum inside baby, cmon it’ll feel- agh fuck,- feel so good princess”

You looked up at him with a love drunk look and nodded rapidly, orgasm building again but quicker. “G-gonna cum with you, please Daddy make me cum ag- fuck!- again!” His eyes rolled back for a second at those word. He fucked into you roughly, rubbing your clit quickly with his free hand as he came, moaning out your name as he filled you. You squealed loudly as you came again, curling up on yourself as you squirted all over his cock again.

He rocked his hips into you for a little while longer, riding out both of your orgasms before coming to a complete stop. He was huffing, matching his breath as he looked down at you. Your face was a beautiful flushed color, hair messy and sticking to your forehead, eyes glossed over with tears from overstimulation. “You’re so goddamn beautiful” he whispered, not realizing he had said it out loud. You locked eyes with him bashfully, before giving a lopsided smile and leaning up, kissing his deeply.

He kissed back just as sweetly, smiling slightly into the kiss. He may not have meant to say it, but every bit of it was true. When he pulled away, you reached up and cupped his face, now completely fucked sober. You could tell he was sober just from how he was looking at you. “I love you Billy Hargrove” he looked at you in shock, ears turning even more red. He licked his lips, suddenly noticing his mouth was dry.

He leaned down, forehead pressing against yours. “I…” he closed his eyes for a second, contemplating. He knew he loved you, deep down he knew you were the only one he’s ever felt like this with. He opened his eyes again and looked you straight in the eye. “I love you too, ___”

``````````````

He was now setting the car in reverse, pulling out of the deserted pharmacy. His hand was on your thigh, rubbing small circles on the soft flesh. You were now wearing one of his hoodies and a pair of shorts you kept in the trunk, looking down at the hand that was on your thigh. You reached down and laced your fingers together for what felt like the millionth time and smiled contently to yourself.

“What’s got you smilin’ like that princess?” You looked over at billy and saw he was taking quick glances at you from the corner of his eye ever now and then. You just shrugged, squeezing his hand softly as you looked at the road. “Just excited for my milkshake~” you joked, making him chuckle and shake his head. “Good thing we’re here then” he said as he pulled into the Burger King drive through. You smiled as he ordered your vanilla shake and his coke slushee. When he grabbed your drink, he took a small sip before handing it to you, smirking as he reached over to grab his. You rolled your eyes and laughed softly.

As he drove you home, you saw the look in his eyes. He didn’t wanna let go of you just yet. He rounded the corner, turning into the driveway slowly before coming to a stop and putting his car in park. He paused, sipping at his drink before setting it down in his cup holder. He looked over at you, just to see you already getting out of the car. He furrowed his brow, rolling his eyes as anger bubbled in his chest. Yea, sure, leave without a kiss. He was about to crank it into reverse when suddenly his door opened, and you bent down to look inside, smiling at him.

“Cmon, stay with me tonight baby” he stared at you surprised for a second before smiling, grabbing his drink and practically ripping the keys from the ignition as he got out. He closed the car door behind him, leaning down and catching your lips in a sweet, sugary kiss. He held your hand as you walked up your stairs, opening the front door. He closed the door after stepping in, looking up and locking eyes with a curly haired kid in the kitchen mid-step with a Twinkie in his mouth.

He watched as you went over and grabbed the box from his hands, putting it. On a shelf you could barely reach as you bickered at the kid. Dustin was too distracted gawking at the fact Billy Hargrove was in his house. He slowly looked over at you “____, why is Max’s older brother in our house”

Like he suddenly reminded you Billy was there, you rolled your eyes and closed the cabinet. You grabbed Billy’s slushee and put it in the freezer with your shake. You walked back over and grabbed Billy’s hand and started walking down the hall to your room “Tell mom i have my boyfriend over and I’ll hide your retainer again Dusty!” You yelled as you made your way into your room. He chuckled as he took his boots off as you closed the door. You threw the hoodie off and was only left in the shorts. Billy notified and looked you up and down, whistling. You giggled and rolled your eyes, lying down in the bed. He took his pants and shirt off as well, crawling into the bed in just boxers.

You quickly wrapped around him, snuggling your face into his neck. He wrapped an arm around your torso and held you close. This was what love felt like. Your chubby body pressed against his, your perfume and the smell of sex wafting to him. It was, relieving, comforting. He closed his eyes as you both just talked about anything that came to mind. Billy slept good that night, holding you close.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hope y’all liked it! If you want more Billy stuff, please request it! Im so obsessed with this man rn

[rosedere]

The Liyue Lotus and the Merchant from Snezhnaya (Pantalone x Fem Reader)

MDNI +18

Cw: kidnapping, Stalking, non con elements, Graphic violence (later chapters), Yandere content *will update as the series goes

Cross posted on AO3

Part 1,Part 2,Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Chapter 6: Blizzard/Found (you are here), Part 7, Part 8, Part 9, Part 10~

Synopsis: Unfortunately, The Regerator develops a fixation with you while you are working undercover for Yelan. And there’s no one who can get in his way of his prized Lotus.

This is our divide

Need to go our separate ways, I'm too scared if you stay

We'll hold another grudge, who am I to judge?

If I will wake up one day and miss you too much

Yeah, we play with high stakes, it's a risk I need to take

- 

Pantalone 

A blizzard was due anytime in Snezhnaya.

But that was the least of his concerns; he had already finished pretending to care enough about the slaying to the harbinger known as “La Signora” or Rosalynne-Kruzchka Lohefalter. 

Pantalone was taking his leave from the snowscape anyway now that the day of mourning was over. He just wanted to get back to his Lotus patiently waiting in his abode for his return.

You were always on his mind nowadays. More than before.

Adding to the collection of items he could obtain to win your love as he walked the streets and shops of the cold capital. He could only imagine your eyes lighting up as you read his letter and saw the items he so lovingly picked out for his Lotus

He knew he was incredibly close to finally unlocking your icy heart; he just had to keep being more persistent.

As he touched the custom-made silver and indigo veil in the boutique he could only imagine you under it while you walked side by side with him down the falling snow in the bustling city.

The thought crossed his mind when you had both retired for the night together he wanted badly to broach the topic with you. He had after all finally convinced you to Stay with him for the night.

But you only lay curled on the left side of the bed beside him.

Your face smushed into his chest as you peacefully breathed in rhythm beside him.

Finally relaxed, revealing your true beauty to him.

But every time he tried to wake you from your slumber you only nestled yourself further against him, pressing your naked self harder against him.

After the fifth time of trying to wake you he only signed frustrated at the dilemma.

He knew It'd be unfair to bring you without your say in the matter.

But the loneliness of being without his new bloom beside him was disheartening especially since he finally had what he had desired since he set eyes on you all those weeks ago.

Having to make the difficult decision once the mist began to rise and your head still tucked underneath his trimmed chest he slid you onto the silky pillows surrounding you. Dressing himself to be decent he went on with dressing himself for the long voyage ahead of him.

Once again hoping you'd surprise him by joining him as he cleaned himself in the spacious bathroom he was disappointed when he was ready only to be greeted by you now clinging to the dark satin pillow.

Pantalone only sat beside you watching you stir occasionally in your sleep. 

A few messy strains of hair fell across your face acting as a curtain over your face; he raised his glove only pushing the few hairs away from your face.

His gloved hand now stroking your cheek hoping to rouse you from your sleep.

Soft was what he remembered as he touched your now exposed cheek.

“Sir we must get going; the departure time was set several minutes ago” 

Pantalone only sighed.

Turning his attention back to you still nestled on the pillow he lowered himself, grazing his lips to your forehead before letting his smooth lips connect to your warm flesh.

“I'll see you as soon as I finish business my lotus” 

“Very soon”

- 

“My lord? I thought you weren't—”

The two fatuu's walked forward carrying his luggage onto the tall cruiseliner in front of them leaving Pantalone behind now stopped a few footsteps away from the fatui officer standing in front of the dock; shivering from the whipping wind and snow surrounding everyone present.

“I have finished my business here for now” Pantalone dismissed; his hand reaching for his jacket to pull tighter to his body being afflicted to the harsh below-zero winds.

“Ah but my lord the storm is over the waters a voyage would be difficult to Liyue harbor,” the officer said through chattering teeth.

“Normally I would heed a warning but I have something important to tend to back in Liyue” he clasped his gloved hands together; his eyes in a closed smile as he chuckled to himself, “Thankfully this should be my last trip back there” 

“Oh? To Snezhnaya?”

“Dear archons no” he waved his hand expressively, “I mean to Liyue; I'm officially moving back to the main northland bank” 

He was about to continue walking up towards the boarding plank eager to get out of the way of the now aggressive winds blowing his white coat up and down.

“Ah! Um lord Pantalone!”

Pausing he turned back towards the fatui officer standing against the harbor posts that lined the docks.

“Is it true my lord that you got engaged?”  

Pantalone's heart fluttered at the mention.

“If you are referring to my request to meet with the Tsaritsa and the rooster then you are correct”

“So then you do have someone?” 

Pantalone only nodded; the only sound surrounding them was the billowing winds blowing against his turned back.

“Is it Nyla?” the soldier asked, Pantalone stiffened. 

“She has been mentioning you a lot recently”

“There is nothing between me and her anymore”  

The timbre of his voice felt colder than the snow flying past the two.

“Now if you're done gossiping I have to leave”

Pantalone with an annoyed scoff adjusted the warm coat once more over his torso before flipping the hood underneath his heavy jacket the dark fur surrounding his face.

Walking along the slippery dock into the heavy white flurries surrounding the baffled officer.

“My lord there you are”

Pantalone only passed a glance before entering the open cabin doors and boarding the luxury liner.

walking amongst the low-hanging lights to the back of the ship; his quarters.

It was made to be a replica of his office and home in Snezhnaya just as his Liyue estate had been made; the same purple and blue motif; gems fixed to either side of his smaller queen-sized bed directly in front of him across from the room under the wide window. His smaller Sneznhayan oak wood desk and chair sat against the dark jewel-toned lights all spaced evenly from each wall plane. Shedding his coats on the coat racks beside the entrance he was only left in his plain underclothes consisting of a long dark navy blue turtleneck and wool slacks.

Immediately approaching his desk he reached for his journal leather bound and still lingering with a cold feeling as he opened the cover to the last page he had written in. He had written a few words in the blank space of the journal. Initially telling himself he'd have some inkling of what to write when he arrived in Snezhnaya, but then it just became even more difficult when he was settled in the palace.

But now he was alone.

“Lián, I promise to be the best husband and—”

He only scrunched his face at the sentence written several weeks ago.

Crossing the sentence out he began on the next page.

“I promise to be able to fulfill my vow to you as your husband”

“And to stand by your side during the roughest of times”

Huffing he dropped the pen letting it roll towards the edge of the desk.

Pantalone supposed he could sleep on it, it seemed from the now rocking boat that they were going to be docked for the rest of the night.

Delaying him further to see the warm environment that was Liyue a few more days longer.

-

…

You had sworn the ledge to the secret entrance was in the bathroom.

But after your bath, you tried to slide the stone in the exact sequence you did the previous evening.

All that happened was the rugged edge of the tub to break off into your hands. Assuming you misremembered you pulled the outermost border of rock lining the tub.

All that happened was the rock staying firm in place.

“Lián? What are you doing”

Stopping your action of feeling the rocky surface you only stayed in place; your naked back facing Galina.

“here; let's get you a towel” she sighed going towards the bamboo rack in the upmost corner of the cavernous wall.

“I'm going to have to inform Fedor about the bathtub—” she sighed “If our lord comes home and sees the chip in his tub he'll be so upset” She scurried towards you wrapping you with the towel before she stood you up in front of the mirror leaning against a golden basinet across from the large tub.

She began to pull out a small bag; inside were different combs and accessories including what looked to be expensive hair care products.

“Why the fancy hair today?” You asked glancing back at the bag set on top of a rock near the tub's edge.

Galina only began to dry your hair between her hands with the towels beside her.

“I can't reveal much” She leaned down combing and adding something with a sweet milky honey aroma onto your hair.

“But you definitely can not go to sleep today” Galina brushed through the back of your hair.

“I'm going to take you to the sitting room today so you can keep yourself busy instead of rotting in our lord's bed” 

“The sitting room?” You asked

Galina nodded before she began digging in the bag separating your hair with a steel comb before she slid different clips into your still damp hair.

“It's… been under renovations since our lord wants to expand the estate even more than it already is” She paused grabbing a gold-speckled hairpin with purple amethyst hanging off the tip of the pin.

“But today it should be appropriate for you to roam, feed some koi fish, and have some pastries”.

Continuing to pull your hair up into an intricate bun winding the hair up in what you felt was a twist or braid into your thickened hair. It certainly felt new since you'd only worn your hair down or tied it back with ribbons if you felt it was necessary, or even just cut it during the warm season.

Especially now. 

You were thinking once you returned to your accommodations you could maybe see about shortening your hair. 

“Galina”

A hum of acknowledgment was heard from your left side where she was grabbing more hair ribbons it seemed.

“When will I be able to return home?” 

You didn't hear another sound from her, assuming she was just still busying herself with the task from before.

Only she didn't answer you; only beginning to tie the back of your hair up before sticking the hairpin in the back of your hair, with her sharper nail she cut the few ties holding the pieces of hair causing your hair to fall as it normally did.

Glancing in the mirror you saw what the final product looked like; your hair was now in loose waves while the back of your hair was tied into two intricate buns being skewered by the hairpins securing them to the top of your head.

“Do you like them, Lián?” Galina asked, grabbing the small mirror from beside her.

“Of course, I look so different”

“In a good way of course,” you corrected yourself as you turned to the side slightly.

Seemingly satisfied Galina rose from her spot going out to the wardrobe outside of the room.

You only kept staring at your reflection. 

It looked off.

Your reflection.

Leaning closer you were focusing on your face.

A small red blemish formed on your cheek.

Narrowing your eyes you picked at the small little bump forming. 

Red and enormous on your left cheek.

However when you looked down at your chin.

A small patch of those hideous bumps was there.

You gasped. Only realize when you heard Galina abruptly come back into the room.

“Lián?” 

Now you were joined in the reflected mirror with Galina looking curiously at your reflection.

“You see them too right?” You pointed to your cheek first.

“I don't know where it came from, '' you shakily exclaimed.

“Hmm, it seems like it's a pimple my lady” Galina then grabbed your hand placing it away from your face.

“It can't be? At my age It's probably a mole or something bad” your eyes still staring at the offensive bump on your face.

Galina only laughed before she patted your robed shoulder.

“My lady you know pimples can occur at any age; I remember when I had a breakout when I had my twins” she shrugged “I wouldn't think too much about it; If you are worried though I can begin a skincare routine for you to keep them away permanently” 

You only stayed eyeing yourself in the mirror.

“It's most likely from all that sleeping you're doing” Galina scolded, 

you groaned loudly, still concentrating on your chin with silent perplexment.

“I'll maybe add some makeup if that's okay with you my lady if the pimples are bothering you” once again patting you on the shoulder before she got up from her spot beside you.

“But I'll have to do that after we decide what to dress you in,” She said as she returned to resume digging through the long wardrobe once more.

Her words beyond that practically fell on deaf ears as you glanced back at the tub.

The entrance to roam the large estate that was Pantalone's home was now gone.

Another dead end and more hope lost.

-

The sitting area was just as unique in its own right.

It wasn't really inside the cave as the majority of the house was built into but instead, just an outside walkway practically hanging off the ledge of the Mt Aocang range below.

A misting waterfall flowed underneath where you were sitting; next to the small parquet woven table was the private doorway next to the small koi pond built into the one part of the wide room that wasn't on the ledge. 

Bamboo and ornate wooden gates divided the area you sat at from the entrance where Fedor was standing idly in front.

Galina somewhere off inside bringing the treats from earlier she promised.

Now this is when you'd slink off and find another way to roam freely around without either guard.

But a feeling told you not to.

It was strange as you'd never let a simple bad feeling stop you before.

It just felt completely unsafe to roam.

You decided to instead look down the side of the tall railing beside you.

The gentle current flowed down the edge in a freefall to wherever it was going.

It calmed your mind watching the few small fish and some leaves fall in a vertical drop.

The sound was also relaxing as you heard the water rushing.

Thankfully you were in a short layered summer dress that allowed you to be able to squat and look down to your heart's desire.

The silky lilac and white material stretched while you looked down towards the water.

Looking at a lone mossy rock you saw something shimmery hit said rock.

Dismissing it as just a lone reflection from the sun hitting the water you only kept looking down at the stream.

But every time you would focus on the horizon or another spot of the water the glint would shine.

Like it was a piece of metal…

Looking back behind you only Fedor was visible still standing along the wall looking towards the entrance of the sitting room most likely keeping a lookout for Galina to return.

You sat on top of the railing; thankfully it seemed the water wasn't deeper than your ankles. Shifting your weight you made a small splash into the rushing stream.

Treading the water to the rock you thought the object was settled against the rock would be visible as you stood over it but instead, the small currents distorted the water.

The small teardrop item was caught underneath the rock.

you dunked your hand to grab a hold of the metal item.

The shock of recognition when you realized what you were looking at.

Something that was supposed to be hidden under your accommodation's bedroom floor.

Grabbing the small stone the flowing cryo energy shooting straight up into your palm was the answer you needed.

The Liyue crest on the back of the vision plate was something you didn't realize you missed.

Channeling your cryo powers into your hands you let a small sheet of ice form over the fast-running stream halting it temporarily.

It was yours.

But the mystery of how it got here was pushed to the back of your mind now.

You needed to hide your vision.

The shawl you wore to hide your back was probably burnt in an incinerator somewhere leaving attaching it to the back of your dress out of the question.

Looking back into the water you only saw your befuddled expression looking back at you in the water's reflection.

your face looked more youthful with the help of the rigorous regime Galina did to your face before she applied small amounts of powder to the pimples you had suddenly accumulated.

At least you could say that your hair made up for the blemishes on your skin.

Swaying in the gentle breeze coming from inside the cavern back and forth.

your hair…

You touched your buns on the top of your head.

Of course…

The pins keeping your hair up could conceal your vision if you redid your hair right.

Quickly undoing the work Galina had done to the two puffy buns on your hair you grabbed your vision in one hand before tying the small gem to the back of your hair wrapping your hair around the sticks to create a Rolled bun behind the top of your hair.

After you secure your hair checking to feel if it has been completely concealed by your hair you look back into the reflection.

Now instead of the buns were replaced by a few stray hairs framing your face as the rolled-up bun now sat on top of your head the hairpins sticking out the small amethyst gems swaying back and forth in the wind along with your hair.

feeling a sense of reassurance you decided to observe the stream more closely.

The stream seemed to go further deeper underneath the home, seeming like there was a bigger source of water somewhere.

Glancing back up towards the balcony above you thankfully seemed no one had noticed your abrupt departure.

looking back towards the opening where the water was rushing.

Your vision must be a sign there was more to be explored here.

So what's the worst that could happen?

Stepping closer to the opening you sized up the entrance.

It seemed big enough to slip in for your size.

But the real mystery was if you'd get lost forever inside the mountains of Aocang or you'd end up deeper into the home. 

Sighing you knew your answer; looking down at your dress and hair you only hoped they wouldn't ruin your spontaneous swim.

Taking a deep breath you treaded the water breaking under the surface.

Surprised as you swam further down the modest current at the different rock formations below and around you as you twirled and occasionally spun to maneuver around the few rocks blocking the wide mouth.

Your lungs were burning as you began to feel the water pull you forward. The water's depth rose giving you a sign you were soon to hit either an air pocket or an underwater lake.

You passed a lone stalactite when suddenly the current picked up. 

Unable to paddle against it you were swiftly carried upwards. Closing your eyes you brace for the rough treatment of colliding and scrapping against the rough rocky texture of the walls around you as you ride the current.

Being spat out by the current finally, you opened your eyes and inhaled the air you missed hungrily.

you were underground. 

in a large lit-up cavern.

Lamps that seemed to also line the hallways of Pantalone's home were hung by the walls near the shore.

Those bars from the other secret room were there. Rusted from erosion it seemed they were no longer being used.

Swimming through the crystal blue water towards the rocky shoal you picked yourself up flopping out of the water practically.

It seemed wherever you were it was completely vacant.

Only one barred area next to the most eye-catching feature is a giant red door; most likely from the erosion just like the jail bars beside it.

Other than that it was exactly like a regular cavern in the liyue mountains you'd seen numerous times.

Not even bothering to dry yourself you approached the first broken barred area. 

Nothing but rocks and chains remained.

Walking to the door you reach to pull the dark metal rings to open said door.

your eyes only widen, the illuminated staircase was just like the familiar stairs you'd taken downstairs during your stay.

But to see one of your fellow shadows in front of you was nothing you ever thought you'd find down here.

His blue and white layered shirt was now tattered, and the mask around his lower face was still intact covering him.

The exposed flesh on his body was cut into ribbons of Open wounds, a few wounds were bleeding while the others were only barely healing on his legs and arms.

He mirrored your expression; the look of panic but familiarity his eyes expressed to you.

For a moment you both stared at each other.

“Lua?” You whispered.

“(Name)” he responded in his daze.

Shaking his head he quickly rushed down the rest of the stairs grabbing you by your wet arm.

Wordlessly you let him pull you down the stairs before closing the door; you both began to rush towards what you first assumed was nothing but a pile of large stones, the closer he ran you saw a small dilapidated passage identical to the one you saw under the bathroom.

"Im glad to have ran into you; those fatui bastards are insane" He panted

"I lost the others and one other operative; it's just you and me now" Lua grunted

Your feet soon grew tired as you ran further and further into the now ever-dark passage. Signaling to stop you both gradually came to a halt in the passage as you caught your breath.

“Did you get captured during your Act?” Lua huffed from beside you.

“It's not important; but we gotta get you to Yelan”

You couldn't see Lua's face but from the silence, you could tell he was pensive.

After another minute passed you only grasped his hand as you both continued your steady sprint out of the darkness of the passage.

Occasionally dodging a long few pebbles or so the relief as you saw the passage brightening up by natural light. 

Lua reached the threshold of the mouth of the cave first.

Seeing his face bleed into relief realizing he was saved.

a  sharp sound cut through the air from above you both

And

Lua only turned back to you about to utter something, but the words fell into mush as he spat a clot of blood from under his mask.

The red bloom forming on his neck..

his body only rolled almost taking you with him down the side of the mountain ledge.

A trail of scarlet blood was now staining the umber soil below the exposed rock and soil.

Feeling his once warm hands slip from your grasp as he fell.

You would have screamed as you landed roughly on your backside. Sitting straight up while you absorbed what had just happened.

mouth agaped as you felt yourself collapse in the kicked up dust.

“Liàn?” 

The crunch of rocks was heard coming from your left.

You didn't turn your head only staring shellshocked at the distant cliff ledge in front of you.

“Darling your all wet” 

You felt his frigid hands on your waist feeling him pull you towards him. You didn’t bother to look up knowing the guilty look on your face had all Pantalone needed to know

“I guess I can call off the search for you” his hands began to run through your still-damp strands of hair.

Being guided by your waist towards the rocky stairs leading up.

His other hand began to lace around your trembling ones as you walked beside him up the ledge.

Pantalone's grip was firm around your hand as he walked beside you up the rocky terrain his eyes never leaving your form as you both made it to the top of the cliff.

You didn't realize you'd never seen the true entrance of his estate.

Like a pillar bursting through the calm forest surrounding the small grassy forest that sat tall on top was the heavily guarded entrance inside two tall oriental gated doors.

The sense of awe was immediately replaced with panic when you saw the frustrated Galina yelling at Fedor next to the now wide-open gate.

“I have returned with my lotus unharmed ” Pantalone called out from behind you to Galina and Fedor, their attention now shifting to you both standing together.

“Lián!” Galina huffed as she marched up to you.

“You are in a lot of trouble! I only saw your shoes next to the table and thought the worst had happened” She then grabbed your half-damp smooth lilac dress in her hands.

“And you soiled the dress I picked for your reunion with our lord” Galina only began to try to dry the ends of your dress in a hurry.

“No need to worry Galina; we'll both be setting off once I’ve settled down and slept off the rough ride” he chuckled pulling you closer to him before he kissed the top of your head.

You only nodded as you let him practically snatch you away towards the door.

Trying your best not to look down the cliffside beside you both, you didn't want to confirm your last subordinate's untimely demise.

It was a horrible reminder of what is going to happen to you once Pantalone grows weary of you.

you were the last Subordinate left if what Lua said was true.

Silently you and Pantalone walked beside you leading you through the foyer of the home heavy with the previous thought in your head.

Your vision washed up in the same stream underground that seemed to be an extension of Pantalone's mansion.

And it was where you found Lua, the last confirmed shadow to have gone missing.

You glanced back at Pantalone's amethyst eyes; his smile would be infectious to you but it was clear now what he was thinking.

He was scheming something dark.

After a moment you both reached the familiar hallway to the staircase from the maze that was the bottom floor.

both of you stepping up onto the steps was all that was echoing, your foot being the first one to reach the threshold as you entered the familiar room; the intricate door shutting behind you reminded you that Pantalone was still here in the room.

Alone.

you nervously gulped before you turned to see him; passion in his eyes like the last night you spent together.

“My beautiful bloom are you in the mood to… indulge me?” He crept closer to you as he let his heavy wool fatui coat fall to the ground.

"you dont have to of course-" his hungry hands immediately finding your body; one now caressing the side of your face. You paused for a moment; he only reached for the back strip of fabric holding your damp dress onto your body.

Looking up to his expectant gaze you sighed through pouted lips.

“If you promise not to leave me sleeping by myself again” you reached for the back of your dress untying the ribbon of cloth in the back letting the lilac dress fall to the ground. 

"I want you to show me you mean what you say"

It was all Pantalone needed to hear and see in the moment; his Lotus

Note: oh man our trip to crazytown is coming soon— pantalone was NOT kidding about taking her back.

[wyllathepeach]

Ok, so my anxiety really did not allow me to get this out earlier lol. Anyway:

TS songs as Ducktales Characters, part III: Webby Vanderquack

(I would like to apologize beforehand for the poor redaction you're about to read, neither google translation nor my brain was having it)

If I had to explain Webby's character, I would sum it up with the concept of belonging. Having grown up isolated from the world, only with her granny, Webby needs connection with someone. She needs to belong or connect so much that she becomes obsessed with every detail of the life of the only person she knows, Uncle Scrooge, in the hopes she finds her place in the McDuck family. But, even when she starts to become family, she envies the triplets' relationship for she cannot be part of such intimate bond. She then clings to Lena, the only relationship she formed on her own.

Webby also gives the impression that her desire for an intimate relationship is the reason she supports Dewey despite not agreeing with keeping the investigation about Della hidden: it is something that unites them both in an exclusive way. It would also help her even more to be part of the family: if she gets to be just like Scrooge, then she MUST belong to his family. All for at the end being cruelly reminded that she'll never be family by blood, and, even if she was, family relationships are not unbreakable (speaking exclusively from her point of view at the end of Last Crash). This is why she needs to bring the family together at the end of season 1: she has done so much to form a relationship with the family, but if the family isn't together then she doesn't belong anywhere.

On a separate point, it is this sense of belonging that she has with the family that leads her to give so much importance to her friends and gives them her complete trust. It is friendship that allows her to have a family and therefore makes no difference between family ties and friendships. Hence her blind attachment to Lena.

Season 2, although Webby doesn't have an active role, is consistent with the former idea in Golden Armory: again she needs to prove herself as an equal to the new family member to feel validated. However, after Last Crash she is never again pushed away or questioned as family and her belonging is reinforced again and again, as seen in Found Lamp, where Uncle Scrooge trusts her with an essential part of the adventure, the same goes for Rumble for Ragnarok.

I don't remember much (and I don't have anywhere to rewatch the series at the moment) about her role in season 3 outside the plot twist that I so dislike (and that in my opinion ruins the message of found family and makes her entire development seem pointless), but I do remember that her fear of abandonment is consistent for Fight for Castle McDuck.

Anyway, all this to say that the Taylor Swift song that would be Webby's anthem, in my opinion, would be The Outside.

I've seen other people relate her to Seven or You're on your own, Kid, and although Seven agrees with the idea of longing childhood innocence once it's lost by the maturity that comes with experience (as seen in Harp of Mervana), the lyrics of The Outside expand the idea of loneliness and feeling like you don't belong anywhere, as well as learning to observe people to look for ways to connect. The song was written about going to school and meeting all these new people and realizing that you won't connect with them and will end up isolated, no matter how much you can offer to a friendship. Just as Webby would never be blood related to the Duck/McDuck family, even though she began to relate to them at the same time they reconnected and her fear of the family pushing her aside eventually.

"The Outside"

So how can I ever try to be better? Nobody ever lets me in. And I can still see you, this ain't the best view: on the outside, lookin' in. I've been a lot of lonely places; I've never been on the outside.

Thank you for reading. Next one should be Huey, but who knows what will come out of that (ゝω・)ﾉ

[karizard-ao3]

My reactions to Evangelion episode 25: Do you love me?

Just the title of this episode alone is making me feel emotional. What is going to happen to these babies?

I'm going to try to fit these last two episodes in before I finish cleaning up for my friends who are visiting this weekend. I want to be an emptionally destroyed zombie for the whole time they're here.

Jk. I'm hoping I can withstand this and at least fake that I'm still functional after. I might have to take a break between episodes to run to Target, but fingers crossed I will have this finished tonight and then be able to watch End of Evangelion on Sunday!

Enough about me. Let's begin!

Shinji is either having a mental breakdown or he's got some Angel in his head. This reminds me of the Dirac (?) Sea and what he was going through then.

Is he being interrogated?

Asuka is the blunt voice in his subconscious lol

I do find it interesting how similar Asuka and Shinji's motives for piloting the Evas are.

It's interesting because it seems Rei is connected to all the different versions of herself that exist in other people's perceptions. And, it seems like that is entirely what she has based her current sense of herself on.

Her similarities to Kaworu (is that right?) are really interesting. They both were really disconnected from themselves and the world. Very different from humans, who cling to life. Instead, they are eager to die.

"You existed for today, Rei." And Kaworu said he believes he was born just to meet Shinji and was happy to die having done that. How to put this? All the Angels thus far have seemed to be created for one purpose. They always appear, do one thing, and then are killed. There's an essence of the mayfly about them. The fights don't even last long in the show, and sometimes we even miss them. They've never really felt like a real enemy because of that. They're just so unrecognizable, if that makes sense.

Shinji is maybe remembering when he disappeared into the quantum plane?

The instrumentality begins. Oh no.

Misato was shot?

They're gonna glomp everyone altogether into an amorphous blob of heart?

I heard the author was depressed. I get it.

Misato is tired of being clean and pretty for everyone else, and her apartment before the kids moved in was a pig sty. It was like her one little concession to herself. She has to put on the mask outside but at home she could be dirty and ugly.

Hmmmm Misato. Using sex to hide from the pain and disappoint your dead father, huh? I am uneasy. I've been trying to ignore certain vibes I was getting and I'm still trying to. I dont want to talk about it.

Why would they talk about Asuka like that right in front of her?

This is really something. Can't quite articulate it right now, but you know when you're just walking along and suddenly you become hyper aware of the fact that you are you and other people are in their own heads being themselves and having thoughts and sensations just like you but you will never know what it is like in their heads or how it feels to be them? That's what this is like.

"You wished for a closed off world that was comfortable for you and only you." Damn.

In Conclusion

When they say Shinji wished for the end of his world, is that because he wanted to connect with other people and end his loneliness or is it just because he hates himself and wants to die? Or, something else?

My head is doing contortions trying to figure all this out. But I was warned it was confusing, so I don't have high expectations from myself.

Dear Shinji, please stay safe. I love you.

[eofoc]

day 15: music

I WAS WAITING FOR THIS DAY SO BADLY. GGRRGAUUUGH

each of my OCs has a playlist on youtube: Ange ✧ Yuze ✧ Juliet ✧ Roselyn ✧ Orifiel ✧ Mischa

since i think it would be way too long if i elaborated on all of them in one post (lol) i have decided to do ange and yuze :]

lyrics + ramblings about them under the cut!!! be prepared this is another embarassingly long post

YUZE

"With the salt that moves in the midsummer sea, will this face still be my own?"

boy why you so identity issue? anyways yeah since he has nothing to cling onto (his parents who were the only connection he had to his birth country are gone and he cant even remember their names) he kind of just. Yeah. boy. also i like the sea connection Yuze is just so seacoded to me

"I’m a monster who was born into this best, most beloved world An obedient puppet tossed out into an unpleasant era A spider who spins red thread, a hunter who was trapped as expected Give me a reason to live with indifference, doctor"

fits very well with him being a vampire (and everyone knowing about this fact) which certainly Does make him feel like a monster. "an obedient puppet" with how the adults around him used him esp. when he was at Eligioto's... i mean yeah.... im so sad my little guy

"A spider released outside, a batter who got a strike as expected It hurts so much to keep my expression composed; Give me some medicine, doctor"

just the "it hurts so much to keep my expression composed" im wahh WAHHH i hate him...yeah anyways the bottling everything up but in the apathetic and cold and composed calm way...........

"So, reciting a nonsense spell, chewing my fingernails, I was waiting I called out an incoherent name"

this one just makes me sad. "an incoherent name" hes calling out to all the people he already lost in his life. its not just one name. okay whatever honestly

"Without anyone holding any expectations for me, the raise of the curtain approaches The curtain has finally been raised on the theatre show of life, without a single audience member"

the way both him and Ange can relate to how people hold no expectations towards them? im a bit sickly i hope i die something is wrong with them. also the loneliness he feels again... not a single audience member...

"Painfully unpleasant, come and receive this punishment for loving me! I absolutely detest the “me” that you love Listen to this selfishness of mine!"

(slaps his head) this boy can fit so much self-hate in him. also he does feel like it would be very selfish to have any emotions for Ange... well and he also thinks that Ange absolutely hates that he has any feeling for him and Yuze is just a burden essentially (where did you get that from)

"I want to lose that “borrowed” expression of mine already It’s gradually reaching its limit, this world where you exist"

i want to lose that borrowed expression of mine already... his always calm and composed expression that hes forced to maintain..okay

"You'll only waste your tears on your palm Why did I even think of doing this?"

Ange "ill drink up all the tears you gave me" vs Yuze "youll only waste the tears on your palm" so basically Ange who loves Yuze no matter what happens and always clinging to him even if it hurts vs Yuze who thinks those feelings are a burden and a waste

"Ah, I wish you'd understand Forgetting you is no joke Ah, just stop, I don't want to bring back my past Don't look for me anymore"

forgetting you is no joke... dont look for me anymore... why are they LIKE THIS JUST TALK TO EACH OTHER however you can see yeah Yuze has a really hard time letting go of the past

"Lighting up the darkness, the stars are caressing my eyelids I hear some nostalgic voices, and I’m feeling really lonely From beyond the darkness, I hear someone calling me I’m collecting the left-behind stardust within my own palms"

wah... he knows the pain of losing someone he cares for WAY too well. so he wants to be left behind by everyone so they wont be hurt when hes gone. something is really wrong with him

"All alone, I remembered laughing with you For some reason, my emotions just kept on making noise"

childhood memories of when he still had friends and people close to him..okay.. "for some reason, my emotions kept on making noise" he is not used to feeling much at all becuase he represses so much idgaf

"If it was just a shallow nightmare, I could forgive everything Everything lightly and gently falls For some reason I’ve grown lonely"

hahaha when he was younger and his parents died and he was all alone he used to pray all the time it was just a nightmare and he would wake up soon. that did Not happen. haha. Okay

"Do the candles look forward to being used? Enjoy bidding adieu, adieu? Every word I have saved for you came out wrong afterwards So I spoke no more"

he also sees himself as only a tool to be used... also the way that he doesnt know his way with words and often comes off as too blunt or rude when he doesnt mean to #autism yesss king lets just give up on everything ever

"Must be great being you Power comes as second nature Must feel amazing to be longed for, longed for"

i dont have much to say here. i hope i die. why is he like this. power comes as second nature... he never felt like anything is in his control so he envies the siblings a lot... little does he know they dont have SHIT in control either. lol

ANGE

"I daringly wield that kitsch rubi on my own worn-out name I have become so terrifying down to my core that I could defeat nobility How do I look like now? Am I unsightly? Of course I am"

the "am i unsightly / of course i am" line makes me so ill. have i mentioned that his how hates him because he reminds her of his father and yes his looks do play into that. his green eyes especially "my worn out name" my poor little guy who thinks NOTHING about himself and hates the family he's been born into

"Neither sweet words nor a smile will work; if I start to run, I’ve become a beast"

this reminds me of his whole father situation (who ermm killed people) and how if Ange acts even a little out of the line or lets himself drop the harmless act he Will be ostracized by people and they will compare him to his father even more

“All I did was acknowledging my own whines Of course, I couldn’t even have a proper fight with you"

weeheehee he has never stood up to his mom abusing him.. heeh..haha... (collapses to the floor)

"What's wrong with loving you I'll tie you, not let anyone to touch you This must be fate, right?"

thanks god Yuze is a sore loser but the thought that he'd ever fall for someone else HAUNTS Ange. hes just mental like that. he 100% thinks they're soulmates and kills himself 5 times in his mind imagining him with anyone else

"I will drink up all the tears that you gave me You gave me a sweet lie that “it’s ok to be a coward”, have I been able to escape?"

THE WORST LINE EVER MADE. Ange thinks of himself as a huge coward in general so to have someone tell him that its okay to be afraid and its ok to protect yourself and its ok to run away sometimes... hes down Bad im afraid. "have i been able to escape" mostly relating to how he cannot let Yuze go

"Is this called 'I loved you'? Where I struggle to cling to you What's wrong with killing myself, me who you hate?"

can someone tell him suibaiting is not the key to making your boy best friend like you back "is this called i loved you" the past tense i am SO sick. the things they couldve had

"I’ve made it this far chasing your footsteps I’ll break free from this curse and spell"

see this is fun because it can be both about his family (always chasing after Juliet and her achievments, following her footsteps - the curse and spell are his family) or Yuze (hes been chasing after him for so long because he wants to reach him, the curse being their misunderstanding) weeewooo whhheeheehe

"What’s the purpose of this worthless, meaningless pride May seem unaware, but is aware of everything"

fits perfectly with how hes abandoned his pride and loves playing stupid/unaware around people to get to know more info...

"Whatever pains me, whatever saddens me, what was it that I wanted to say? I walked through a town that doesn't know you."

THIS IS SUCH AN ANGE SONG ITS NOT EVEN FUNNY... especially regarding his relationship towards Yuze.. the pain of missing someone and grieving what you couldve had.... the knowledge that the person you once loved has probably became an entirely different person that you dont know anymore.. dude whatever

"The wind blows, the sky's far away. Ah, with me having stopped somewhere, I'm scared to get to know you whom I don't know. I'm in love with a long-dead sunflower."

"im in love with a long-dead sunflower" AAJHJHBHB DUDE DUDE . DUDE. anyways yeah . once again wow Yuze has changed so much haha hasnt he (got severely traumatized) yes the long-dead sunflower is about him too i hope i die

"The shaky pleasantries and talks about nothing I've never asked for them I just wanted that gentle experience, so that I too could be kind It's all alright, all is well"

he hates high society but only really because of his father and the reputation he got.. hes jealous of Juliet whos very well liked by people and they do treat her with a gentleness that isnt extended to him

"Even today, it's another overwhelming day that makes me go crazy Even today, I'm once again laughing at my dreadful face After I have soaked myself in those sweet words, Will anyone come for me?"

"after i have soaked myself in those sweet words / will anyone come for me" referencing how much he focuses on pleasing people because he wants to appear a certain way in his eyes.. and he very secretly hopes to get some of that praise back...

""Mayday!" Even if you realize it's me, You don't need to hold me in your arms again Hey "Mayday!" If you realize it's me, Will you kindly laugh at me once more?"

im so SICKKK i sometimes forget that both ange and yuze were fucking. like. 10 when they last saw each other. like LMAOOO they have both changed so so much (for way worse) and have gone through so many things and have became basically. unrecognizable when it comes to their personalities...ok i really dgaf though . i think theyre both shocked at how much theyve changed. ange who remembers yuze as this shy but bright and kind kid whod always cheer him up suddenly meeting Whatever the fuck is this

"Wishing for what I lacked, I came face to face with a version of "me" that was nothing like myself And yet I kept going, Even through the dark night that made my head swim"

WISHING FOR WHAT I LACKED..god hes so. okay we GET IT!!! you HATE YOURSELF!! the inferiority complex goes crazy ..... he lies and tries to overcompensate so so much that he doesnt even recognize the person he is anymore

It’s trash, it’s rags The blood leaking from your heart held anger only from myself.

they both hate themselves so much. lol. lmao evem. they make me so sickly like just get normal...

‘What is it I lacked?’ After I asked God, the arrow of a fallen angel struck to silence me. I knew it from the start. I was putting on a show that I'd forgotten. I’m holding close the sword you gave me.

he feels like he just puts on a show ... also the "what is it i lacked" portion makes me a bit sick its so angecore. hes angry and feels like a lot of stuff happenign to him is unfair and like hes Right!!!!!

Why is that so? Clinging to my heart is a loneliness not unlike the silence of a winter night

angeyuze and the theme of winter...teehee..........also hes so lonely can someone save him Please

Surely, you were watching the stars alone in all your ignorance, still paying no heed to me, my eyes bloodshot.

also crazy angeyuze core. ange feeling like despite all yuze still doesnt make an effort to understand how he feels or to get closer...ouch. its a bit funny because like girl. YOU are the one constantly hiding behind a smiling mask and being like nooo hehe im fine :p

[animebw]

I think watching Michiko and Hatchin is really helping me solidify my ambivalence toward the Shinichiro Watanabe style. Like, this is a damn well-made show, always looks fantastic, clear vision behind it, saying everything it needs to, communicating its ideas perfectly... and it just doesn’t click with me that much outside of a few particularly strong moments. It’s exactly the same kind of feeling that Cowboy Bebop and Samurai Champloo left me with to varying degrees. And I think it’s worth digging into that a bit and unpacking why Bebop Ennui, as I’m going to call it from hereon, is something I don’t jive with.

See, what defines Bebop Ennui across Bebop, Champloo and now this show is that they’re all stories about loss, longing and absence. Characters are defined by the holes left in them by time and tragedy, from the various lost loves of the Bebop crew to the long-gone regrets of Champloo’s team. And most importantly, these are losses that can never be recovered, no matter how hard the characters might struggle. Spike loses Julia mere minutes after finding her again. Faye can only ever connect with her past life through the videos she left behind. Fuu and Mugen can only see their loved ones again once they join them in the land of the dead. If these characters are ever able to find peace, it’s by forging new bonds with the new people who’ve come into their lives, not by clinging to old ghosts as a security blanket. And it’s never guaranteed they’ll be able to move on before their helpless yearning finally drives them down a path there’s no recovering from.

This is the driving animus behind pretty much all of Michiko and Hatchin’s adult characters. Michiko is chasing Hiroshi, a love she hasn’t seen for over a decade, in hopes of reclaiming a nostalgic perfect life that may not have even existed. Satoshi as well could only feel like himself with Hiroshi, and his desire to find his old friend whatever the cost is what eventually leads to his doom. Atsuko, meanwhile, is hung up on Michiko herself, almost losing everything in pursuit of their fractured friendship despite trying to convince herself there’s nothing left between them. They’re all chasing specters of the past that can never come back, and only those with the strength to let go and move on are able to come out alive. But as Hatchin throws in Satoshi’s face, what makes that so hard is that most people can’t handle being alone. They’d rather chase the specter of something they once had because the second they let it go is the second they admit how empty their lives have become. So they keep racing forward, against the current, borne ceaselessly into the past. Jay Gatsby would be proud.

This sense of chasing what’s gone in vain is at the heart of Bebop Ennui. Adults broken by what they can never have again, reaching for it to escape their current misery until they either find the strength to run away or let it carry them into the abyss. It’s not hard to see why these stories speak to people, or why they’re so beloved. But for whatever reason, that kind of angst just isn’t something I connect with. Maybe it’s the Aspergers in me, maybe living in an online generation has removed the sense that I’m ever truly alone, but I find little that speaks to me in this conception of adult loneliness. I’ve never really had problems with relationships fading away over time; I stick with the people I want part of my life, I let go those who don’t click with me, and I accept when something I once shared with someone is finally over. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve had plenty of struggles over my long journey into adulthood, but accepting change and letting go has never been one of them. So as well-made as these shows are, they just don’t reflect my own experience with the world in a way I can easily relate to.

I guess my point is, it’s not Michiko and Hatchin’s fault I’m only enjoying it a moderate amount. I just don’t gravitate towards stories like this, no matter how well executed they are. I can still appreciate the craft, it’s just never going to be something that really sticks with me once it’s over.

[blucfeathcrs]

— BASICS

Name: Lydia Mae Calder Age / D.O.B.: 31, March 5th, 1993 Gender, Pronouns & Sexuality: Cis-Female, she/her, heterosexual Hometown: Houston, TX Affiliation: Syndicate Job position: Journalist for VOGUE magazine, guest columnist New York Times (for information sourcing), Hacker (alias Blue Bird), Member of the Syndicate Education: Northwestern Medill Journalism Relationship status: Single. Children: None. Positive traits: Cunning, Loyal, Determined, Assertive, Playful Negative traits: Impatient, Impulsive, Controlling, Sneaky, Deceitful

— BIOGRAPHY

abuse tw

Youngest child out of three. Two older brothers. Military father. There isn't much Lydia remembers of her older brother's death or her father or the fallout. All she remembers is the dark times after that, the loneliness and neglect; the way she never seemed to feel quite good enough for her mother. The way her brother became the one thing to cling to.

Lydia grew up facing the darkness, yet somehow managing to be far more sheltered from things than her brother ever had been. Bright as she was, she grew up dreaming of college. Hoping to one day make it out of what she remembers to have been hell.

During college she began looking for jobs she could manage to do on the side. Being someone who needed as much time to cover her studies, though, she ended up sharing her desperation with a friend one night. That friend suggested she look for jobs outside the norm. What started out as a simple way to pay the bills eventually became her path of living as comfortably as one could.

Lydia was able to graduate Northwestern Medill Journalism school without any debt, thanks to her brother and the pay she received from her own odd jobs.

She is ever so grateful for the support she's received from her brother, truly thinking of him as her hero. In return she's never let him know about the hacking she took up back then. Truthfully she doesn't want him to know. As she is equally unaware of his own dark side, the idea of him finding out would destroy her.

After graduation she took on work with various news papers, having recently worked in the tv news department. Occasionally she's dabbled in fashion. A passion was born.

When the opportunity presented itself to work as a guest columnist for the New York Times she took the opportunity immediately. Not only did it provide an excellent source for information regarding her other job, it also brought her right on the path of New York.

Recently she's landed a job with Vogue magazine and taken the opportunity to move to New York. Once again she's in the same city as her brother.

New York became a fast home but also left far too many question. One bored evening led down a path of research, too curious over the things she was reading and noticing. Lydia hacked someone from the Syndicate. What could have been trouble instead landed her a job with said Syndicate. She was good at what she was doing. Blue Bird had made a name for herself.

— WANTED CONNECTIONS / PLOTS

The one who kept the secret Ex-Boyfriend. Lydia cared for him a lot but when he found out about her job, the hacking taking place under his own roof in order to finance things he drew the line and walked. Seemingly nothing was leaked as she remained free from the law but the loss still hit her hard Wherever you will go Her best friend. The one person who stuck with her, and her with them. Met in college and eventually found out about things. There is nothing Lydia wouldn't do for them. New York, New York Friend/Neighbor. Someone that Lydia met after moving to New York. Someone who potentially became someone for her to hangout with and show her the city.

[yesjojobirdflyhigh]

i cling to hope like an animal.

when i wake up, i open my blinds to see how the sun is rising. i listen to my favourite songs and do my makeup in the mirror. i think about people i used to know and the versions of myself they knew. i think about how we were girls together and i will always care for them. i plan the day and daydream out the train window. i sit on a bench in the park and greet people with a good morning. i get lost in the books i read and smile at everyone i see. i smell the freshly cut grass and sweet pastries. i flick through the notebook where i sometimes sketch landscapes to capture the scenes i want to remember every detail of. i see children that remind me of a younger version of myself. i try to find heart shapes everywhere. i want to share my dreams with someone who wants to listen. i want to stop and smell the roses. i want to be sentimental and unashamed of it. i think about community and public libraries. i think about how our hands contain our humanness and how holding hands connects us. i sit by bodies of water when i don’t want to talk to anyone. i like to scribble lines of bad poetry and i try to be kind to myself. i wonder if the road ever ends. i look up at the trees and wonder if there are any that are the same age as me and have been growing with me. i think about how much history they have witnessed, the endless stories engraved into their bodies. i touch the flowers and hug my friends. i listen to birdsong and stare at art. i want to dive into the water even if it’s cold. i get into moods where i feel so much love for everyone in my life.

i try to listen to my body and work with it rather than against it. i listen to podcasts about poetry and joy and healing. i think that sharing an orange is the peak of love. i dream about all the places i can go and all the people i could be and of you. i feel grateful for bright colours and for being able to try again. i wonder if i can ever leave. i remind myself to pay attention, to listen, to stop being so sure i know anything. i think about how small flowers look like constellations. i cry about the same things. i email my friend who lives across the world every few months and wonder what it’s like to be someone else. i keep everything that people give me, especially handwritten letters and their love in my heart. i think about childhood summers and the last sunset. i think about how we can miss so much but we will never get any of it back. i bake with my friend and things feel easier. i want to be one of those old couples who hobble along the streets of foreign cities holding hands and chatting away, or sitting by the river under the shade of trees reading. i love road trips with the windows down and the soft sounds of music flowing. i think about warm light and sitting in silence by the lake. i think about basking in the comforting smells of laundry and campfire and cooking. i think about handprints in caves and the tenderness of kissing a bruise. i think about how old my grandma’s house is. i hope our kitchen tables are always full of food, people, and laughter. i find myself returning to the view from my attic bedroom window: the clouds, the hills and trees in the horizon, the occasional train passing, and all the people in their little houses living their little lives. i mostly spend my days alone. i watch comforting films and journal every so often. i write about what tugs at my heart and what i dare to wish for. memory feels like sunlight on water. i wish i can be everything like my parents and nothing like them. i want to live inside a melody. i want to be soft without turning into a beaten pulp. i light candles in the evening after showering and settle down to read. i look forward to moments in the morning when the light streaks into every crack and crevice, and the world feels quiet and bearable. i pray no one lets the loneliness consume them. i listen to the rain pat gently on the roof at night when i can’t sleep and stare at the moon in all its glory. i think about how anger unravels us and regret eats away at us and how we need tragedy. i keep my window open to hear all the soft sounds of the earth.

i cling to hope like an animal.

- Tiya

[girlpowercmu]

Why Is It So Hard to Walk Away from Someone Who Doesn’t Love Us?

Walking away from someone we once loved with all our heart, but who no longer loves us, is one of the most painful and difficult experiences in life. Love is a complex emotion, and the decision to leave can bring a whirlwind of pain, guilt, and confusion. Why is it so hard to step away from someone who doesn’t love us? Let’s dive deeper into these feelings.

Deep Emotional Attachment When we fall in love and form an emotional bond with someone, we don’t just love them; we become connected to the memories, hopes, and dreams we shared together. Walking away feels like leaving a part of our life behind. Love isn’t just about feeling good in the present—it’s also about holding onto the hope that things might improve in the future or that they might change their mind.

Facing the Painful Truth Accepting that someone no longer loves us is facing a painful reality. Many people avoid this truth, hoping that something will change. But as time passes, the truth remains, and accepting that we cannot change someone’s feelings can make us feel helpless and hurt.

Fear of Starting Over Starting life anew after the end of a relationship isn’t easy. The uncertainty of the future often fills us with fear, as walking away from someone we once loved means letting go of everything familiar. We are forced to face loneliness, emptiness, and the daunting task of rebuilding our lives from scratch, which can make us feel disheartened and insecure.

Clinging to Good Memories Even if the person we love doesn’t love us, the beautiful memories of our time together remain ingrained in our hearts. Letting go of those memories and accepting that they are over can be incredibly tough. We tend to hold onto the good times and hope they will return, making it difficult to move on.

Reluctance to Admit Failure The end of a relationship can make us feel like we’ve failed. We might blame ourselves for not being able to maintain the relationship. Walking away feels like admitting that failure. However, in reality, the end of a relationship doesn’t mean we’ve failed—it might simply be a matter of two people not being compatible.

Unrealistic Hope Even when we know the other person doesn’t love us, we often harbor a small hope that they might change their mind or come back to us. This hope keeps us stuck in an unhappy relationship, preventing us from leaving. Letting go of that hope means accepting that the future we envisioned will never happen.

Rediscovering Ourselves Walking away from someone we loved isn’t just about leaving a relationship; it’s about rediscovering ourselves. We need to learn to love and understand ourselves again, which can be challenging. When we’ve given too much love and importance to someone else, we may forget our own worth and need to reconnect with who we are.

The Decision to Walk Away Leaving someone who doesn’t love us is difficult because we’re battling hope, fear, and emotional attachment. However, walking away is the key to rediscovering ourselves and opening the door to finding true love in the future—a love that comes with respect, understanding, and allows us to grow and be genuinely happy.

Though the decision to leave is not easy, once we overcome the pain, we’ll discover inner strength and be able to start a new, better chapter of our lives.

[whocaresaboutdecent]

Rated T | Pining | Angst

Crowley can't stop thinking about Aziraphale's hands.

Crowley wonders why he so often struggled to resist the urge to take Aziraphale’s hands in his own.

Was it because everything in Crowley longed for the kindness these hands had offered to beings who had just fallen from God’s grace by giving away a flaming sword, and upon understanding that this kindness wondrously extended to him it became hard to deny himself what felt like a steady hand reaching out to pull him from his loneliness?

Was it because Crowley had grown tired of the need to feign a purpose – settling an agreement, exchanging objects – behind every skin-on-skin contact he initiated, longing to experience what it would feel like to simply touch for the sake of establishing a connection, of not feeling alone?

Was it because Aziraphale's nervous hand movements communicated a deep-seated anxiety not detectable in the polite smile on his face or in his carefully chosen words, and Crowley desired to chase it off, foolishly hoping that it would dissolve simply by holding Aziraphale’s hands firmly in his own?

Crowley wonders if he had merely imagined Aziraphale’s hands communicating We belong to each other.

Hadn’t it been evident in the firm grip with which Aziraphale seized Crowley’s hand when he asked him to dance, refusing to accept no for an answer, determined to get what he wanted, even with a remarkable number of demons lurking right outside his bookshop?

Hadn’t it been evident in how his fingers softly brushed against Crowley’s, almost intertwining, as they performed that ridiculous dance meant to make Maggie and Nina fall in love, but instead only served to intrigue Crowley even more?

Hadn’t it been evident in Aziraphale reaching for his upper arm the moment an angel and a demon took each other’s hands, accompanied by the admitted realisation that they had found something that mattered more than choosing sides, causing Crowley’s breath to hitch in his chest, his whole attention narrowing down to the reassuring promise Aziraphale’s hand provided?

Crowley wonders what Aziraphale’s hands communicated during their kiss.

Did the absence of Aziraphale’s touch, an absence Crowley felt painfully in every fibre of his being, signify surprise or even shock during the first desperate moments after their lips touched, almost crashed?

Did his trembling hands tentatively touching Crowley’s shoulder, finally caressing his back, pulling him closer, serve as a hesitant confession, sparking a feeling of hope in Crowley’s chest?

Did the hasty withdrawal of his hands signal a desire to take back this admission he had only reluctantly shared to begin with, prompting Crowley to finally let go even though it dangerously felt like Aziraphale slipping from his grasp?

Crowley wonders if he’ll ever know how Aziraphale’s hands would communicate I want you.

Would his hand firmly be buried in the hair on the back of Crowley’s head, insistently pulling him closer until their lips finally meet?

Would his hands eagerly trace every inch of Crowley’s skin, craving to explore the new sensations this experience offered, addicted to drawing sounds of pleasure from Crowley’s lips?

Would his hand grip the sheet so tightly that his knuckles turned white, while Crowley touched his body with the sole purpose of pleasing him, of worshipping him, as he had longed to do for millennia?

Crowley watches until Aziraphale vanishes through the elevator doors, his hands stubbornly clenched into fists at his sides.

Crowley gets into the car and starts the engine, his hands gripping the steering wheel tightly, as if trying to cling to something he knew had already slipped away.

Aziraphale’s hands have never felt so far out of reach.

[hiddcnhorizcns]

oscar felt the weight of jane’s gaze as he walked away, a mix of emotions stirring within him. he knew that look all too well—the silent plea, the unspoken words that hung heavily between them. when she followed him outside, her voice cut through the night air, laden with frustration and something more complex, something deeper. as she asked if he was just going to leave, he paused, considering her question. he was no stranger to the cold, calculated decisions that came with his line of work. he had made his peace with the darkness long ago, or so he thought. but jane had a way of making him question everything, of making him feel something other than the numbness that had become his constant companion. he turned to face her, catching the glimmer of desperation in her eyes. it wasn’t just loneliness that drove her to him—it was the yearning for something real, something tangible in a life filled with hollow luxuries and a husband who treated her like a forgotten ornament. her world was a gilded cage, and oscar was the one who had somehow slipped through the bars. when she asked if he really wanted to do it, he hesitated. killing wasn’t something you ever truly got used to, no matter how many times you pulled the trigger. each life taken left a scar, another piece of his soul chipped away, and he knew he was running out of pieces. but this job wasn’t just about him anymore; it involved jane, and that complicated everything. as she reached for his hand, her touch was both tender and tentative, as if she feared he might pull away. he didn’t. instead, he let her hand rest in his, feeling the warmth of her skin against his cold fingers. her next words were filled with resignation, an acknowledgment of her husband’s unyielding resolve, and yet, there was a flicker of hope in her voice—a hope that oscar could change everything if he chose to.

her plea to leave, to 'escape' with her, hung in the air like a fragile thread, and for a moment, oscar imagined what it would be like to take her hand and actually run away from all of it. but he knew better. the world they lived in was unforgiving, and there were no easy escapes. her hand on his cheek felt like both a comfort and a curse, a reminder of the life he could never have but also of the humanity he was so desperately trying to cling to. when she suggested they leave together for the night, a bitter taste filled his mouth, and for a brief moment, he couldn’t suppress the flare of jealousy that burned in his chest. he hadn’t asked for this, for her to become a part of his world, yet here she was, standing before him, offering something that felt dangerously close to a real connection. but then, the reality of who she was—who they both were—crept back in, and he couldn’t stop the edge in his voice as he spoke.

"don’t you have a role to keep up back inside?" the question slipped out, laced with a bitterness he hadn’t intended to show. he regretted it almost immediately but couldn’t take it back. it was a cheap shot, and he knew it—reminding her of the life she was bound to, the husband she was tethered to, the image she had to maintain. but that was the crux of it, wasn’t it? she was the perfect wife in the perfect life, while he was the shadow lurking in the corners, the one who didn’t belong. it was easier to push her away with a jab than to admit the truth. oscar sighed, running a hand through his hair, frustration warring with guilt inside him. he hadn’t meant to hurt her, but the truth was, this situation was impossible. as much as he wanted to pretend otherwise, they both had their roles to play—she as the trophy wife in a gilded cage, and he as the man who lived in the shadows. "i’m sorry," he said, the apology rough and reluctant. he took a deep breath, forcing himself to maintain his composure. "jane," he began, his voice steady but tinged with an underlying tension, "i think it’s best if i just go home before i say anything else." he offered her a small, apologetic smile, trying to soften the blow of his words. oscar knew he couldn’t afford to linger, not when his emotions were so dangerously close to the surface. he had a job to do, a mission that required his full attention, and getting caught up in this—whatever this was—would only cloud his judgment. "i’ve got a mission to plan anyway," he added, as if that would explain everything, as if his work could justify the distance he was putting between them. it was a weak excuse, and he knew it, but it was the truth. his life was one of constant danger, and allowing jane any closer would only endanger her further.

Jane stared at him with a raised brow. Her eyes remained on his back as he walked away, and the blonde could not help but feel a little annoyed. Shooting one last glare towards her husband, who was busy chatting up some banker and his wife, before following the taller man outside. "You're just going to leave?" She said as she opened the front door. Jane knew she needed to step away the second feelings surfaced, but she did not. Loneliness had a way of making people desperate, and Jane was probably the loneliest woman in town.

Sure, she had all she wanted, but a girl wanted some honest company once in a while. Having a husband who barely gave her the time of day only added to her isolation. Oscar was the light in her cold, dark cell. "You don't want to do it, do you?" She inquired.

Killing someone was not an easy job. No matter how often you did it, it did not feel better. Each time, you were damning your soul to hell. You're a lost cause, a criminal deserving of punishment. Jane looked over her shoulder at the door. Curtains covered the glass, and her husband was way in the back. She reached out to grab the man's hand. It was a slow, deliberate move. "I wish I could say I could make him change his mind but...he's set on this." The blonde stared at him through her lashes.

"Come with me. Let's get out of here." Her hand rested on his cheek now, a faint attempt to make the man stay. Was she desperate enough for him to stay? For him to hold her tonight?

[atlas-of-a-human-soul]

Draw your swords, pt. 6

Summary: Losing someone can make you realize what was already there and the Darkling is about to find that out the hard way.

Warnings: angst, violence, swearing, bit of fluff

Part one // Part two // Part three // Part four // Part five  

=================================

Five days have passed and the Darkling had never stopped looking for his wife. His men never saw him rest, sleep was simply never on his agenda. He barely ate at all, merely giving time for the rest of them to gather their strength.

He was restless, constantly questioning how this could have happened. No matter how he looked at it, the Darkling felt guilt consuming him. Without his rage, he worried the guilt would have paralyzed him. Had he not went on a pointless hunt for something that’s likely a tale, she would have been right by his side, antagonizing him.

It’s been hundreds of years since he felt this way, as if his heartstrings are being pulled by someone other than himself. In this search for Y/N, he realized she is consuming. After all, she might have been right – a part of him may actually care for her. He cursed that part of himself over and over again as result.

They’ve tracked her toward Fjerdan borders. Every now and then, they would find bodies on the road, their throat cut or stabbed right through the heart. Sometimes, he found them alive still. He never refrained from calling on his shadows, trying to draw useful information to close in on their whereabouts.

Y/N never saw him use his shadows before. He couldn’t help but wonder if she’d disapprove of the means he’s using to find her. After all, she called him a demon on their wedding night. She would never accept him as he is, he had no doubt about that.

Did she want to be found by him?

The first body they found, the Darkling smiled. He didn’t question it was her hands who have taken the man’s life. There was no concrete proof, but he was certain of it. Every body found felt like her own version of breadcrumbs.

Closing his eyes, he exhaled heavily. If she managed to set herself free so many times to leave what was now five dead men behind, he couldn’t help but worry for her safety. What was the price of each crumb she left?

It wasn’t just the exposure to snow he worried about – and he did worry as she got cold too quickly and he was the one to warm her up before. Who’d warm her up now?

The darkness of the forest gave him cause to worry too – she may have tried to hide it, but he knew she was afraid of the dark. He realized it when her breathing turned shallow and fast their first night together just as she extinguished the candlelight. The next night, he left his candle to burn long into the night.

Something stirred inside him, a beast has awakened. Despite the war his heart and mind waged, he wondered if he’s his own worst enemy. Maybe it was time to let someone in. For too long, he had been alone in the shadows of his past lives.

Why is he repeating the same mistakes?

How can he be afraid when he married a woman who never blinks in the face of danger?

His heart was ice and stone until she came and now the ice has started to melt. All he’s done is hurt and destroy, but he wanted out of the loneliness that clings to him.

She was right, as hard as it is to admit it. He’s a demon, a devil that walks the earth and he cares. Because of her he hopes he might love again and he can’t let anyone take that from him – hope is the only thing stronger than fear. And when a devil falls in love and discovers hope, it’s the most hauntingly beautiful sight. They should fear him as he will go to the depths of hell to protect her.

While his eyes may have been closed, his heart jumped as a bright flash forced him to open them again.

He was never given a chance to be soft. His hands had to be bloody, to have people fear him. Only when they feared him, they wouldn’t hurt him. Now was the time to show them just why they fear him.

“Where?” He growled out, looking to Ivan and Fedyor who were looking at the sky.

“East”, Fedyor replied hastily, ready to follow Kirigan who set off in said direction without a second thought. He didn’t order anyone to follow, but they did.

Ivan and Fedyor walked two steps behind their general, alert as the flash had awakened them from a deep slumber. They weren’t the only ones shaken, unsure what they’re walking into but none showed fear as their general lead them straight to the source. Their loyalty, their belief in general Kirigan runs deep.

Except for David. He was afraid. He didn’t want to be in that forest and he didn’t want to be in danger, but he trusted Kirigan. Besides, Y/N was nice and Genya seemed to like her. So he came along too.

Kirigan walked in strides, the snow didn’t slow him down. His hands formed fists, his face twisted in anger, but his heart pounded in his chest as he had no inkling what he might find. All he knew was that he had to get there, fast.

As if made of darkness itself, the Darkling emerged on what looked like a battlefield. The trees surrounded a small clearing covered in snow that melted under the spilled blood – still warm as it poured from the dead surrounding her.

She’s on her knees, two Fjerdans chaining her up as if she’s a wild animal.

“You think you’re scary, huh?” She spat at the Fjerdan’s feet – a crimson liquid, Darkling realized. She’s bleeding.  

“That’s adorable”, she chuckled maniacally as she held her fierce gaze on the Fjerdan stood before her. They pulled her left hand behind her back and her right hand in front as they tightened the chains that were secured over rope that laid just beneath.

Darkling’s blood boiled. It is fear that brings rage, that hot burning anger that seeks to harm. Once again, he was afraid, not of her but for her.

Four more Fjerdans came from behind the trees, all covered in blood. “Fucking bitch”, one of them kicked her in the ribs and he couldn’t take anymore. He could kill them easily for what they’ve done – he’s killed every one of them he ran into in the past five days without even blinking, regardless if they were involved in her disappearance or not.

“Mister, I’ve seen scary and you don’t have his handsome smile.”

Licking his lips, the Darkling nearly smiles at her remark. There’s no possible way she means anyone else but him. Looking at his Grisha, he found them nearly all in position. They would attack in a minute, swiftly and deadly.

Yet in a moment of carelessness, he missed the Fjerdans realization they’re being watched. Too quickly, more of them appeared. The pitiful human managed to land a few consecutive blows to Darkling’s face before drawing a dagger.

Angry, dark eyes showed the Fjerdan that the Darkling’s brain is in a different mode, that he has switched gears from empathy he had for his wife to cold emotional indifference. Never once has he directed this mode in Y/N’s direction, yet it emerged when he sensed a threat to her life, letting out a part of him that was full on protective.

Grunting, the Darkling’s eyes narrowed at the human who dared to sink the blade into his heart. Despite his immortality, he could still hurt. The pain of a stab wound felt just as it would if here as fragile as the human before him.

But he’s not human at all.

Connecting his hands, the Darkling lifts his head as he summons the darkness that spills from every corner of the forest. “Foolish”, he sneers, “Attacking me in the dark?” The Darkling smirked, walking past the petrified Fjerdan, allowing his shadows to administer a thousand cuts for his transgression.

As he walked toward the middle of the circle, his shadows followed, aiding his Grisha in taking the rest of the Fjerdans so quickly that Y/N gasped.

Looking around in shock, she found Kirigan kneeling beside her.

“You have a knife”, she coughed into her shoulder, “A knife in your chest.”

“I promised”, he gasped for breath as he pulled the knife from his chest. “That I would protect you and I intend to keep the damn promise.”

On the brink of tears, her lips quivered before she laughed. “I thought you’d let them kill me.” Better to laugh than cry, she thought.

Frowning, he shook his head. “That would be too easy”, he waved David over who stood at the tree line, wide eyed. “If anyone’s going to kill you, it should be me.”

Even with tears blurring her vision, she giggled at his stupid remark. She had tried so hard to free herself.

It wasn’t the first time she had been captured by enemies, she knew what to do. But there were so many of them. Each time she freed herself, they would descend upon her. She managed to run, twice, each time they dragged her back kicking and screaming.

Despite his words, Y/N didn’t believe Kirigan would come for her. She had to be her own hero and she tried. In the end, she used everything at her disposal – everything.

Feeling the chains drop, Y/N glances at David, “Thank you.” The ropes were cut as well, but she didn’t move. Truth be told, she wasn’t sure if she could stand on her own and asking for help would wound her. Rubbing her bruised wrists, she reluctantly looked at Kirigan.

“Here”, Kirigan offered his hands. Truth be told, he wanted to carry her, but he knew her pride wouldn’t allow it.

Hissing, she forced herself up despite Kirigan’s offer. “I am perfectly capable of walking on my own.”

He’d have asked her again because she trembled when the wind blew. Her hair was matted with blood, her face red and not from blushing. He could see the damage they’ve done more clearly now as she bent to take a deep breath as if the simple act of breathing hurt her.

Staring at her, he nodded despite his better judgment. Her breathing was ragged, dragging her feet as she walked. She felt his eyes on her, it unnerved her. All she could do is hope her legs don’t give out, but it felt as if they would betray her any moment now.

“Go and make camp ahead”, he ordered his Grisha to speed up as he realized her stubbornness would kill her. Stepping before her, he wrapped an arm around her waist. There would be no asking her for permission this time, he’ll not allow her to deny his help. Hoisting her up in his arm, he held his breath as she cried out in pain.

“I’m sorry”, he whispered, “I didn’t mean to hurt you.”

How could he not bring any healers? How could he have been so stupid?

Groaning, she sent him a stern glare yet found no anger in his. His eyes are like the ocean - they have the potential to destroy, yet when the waves reach the shore, they dissipate, leaving soft designs in the sand as a gentle reminder of its presence.

Leaning into his embrace, Y/N let out a gentle sigh of resignation. She’s been caught in the riptide and for once, she doesn’t want to fight it.

“I really thought I’d die”, she admits reluctantly.

Feeling him stiffen as he held her in his arms, Y/N frowned. Perhaps she shouldn’t have said that, or anything at all. This isn’t what they do, they don’t bare their hearts open.

“And when I faced death”, she continued regardless. Tilting her head to look up at him, she let out a shuddered exhale. A shy smile adorned her lips as their eyes shared a gaze so tender, an outsider would believe them to be in love.

“I thought how silly it is that I don’t know your first name.”

Snorting, Kirigan raised his eyebrows, “Really?”

“Yes”, she breathes out.

Looking at her now, the Darkling couldn’t believe this is his wife. The woman who infuriates him so often seemed so small, so fragile in his arms. Her gaze held remains of the horrors she was cast into and yet he never saw her as earnest before.

“I married you and I don’t even know your name.”

Licking his lips, he stops. Truth be told, no one actually knows his name. His name was long forgotten, a piece of his soul he had left behind in the fold. He promised himself he’d never utter it while he lives. He had promised he would never be that man again.

Unfortunately for him, he seems to be breaking his promises lately.

He promised her he’d protect her and he failed, just as he promised himself he’d never care for her and yet he does.

“Aleksander”, he mutters, still unsure if it’s the right decision. He placed one of his greatest secrets in the hands of a woman who’d see his world burn. He gave her power she never should possess and yet he’s not afraid. No one could make him fear anything after the ordeal he was put through since she decided to tear down his defenses.  

Smiling softly, she closed her eyes. Resting her head on his shoulder she felt satisfied. It may be small, but finding out his name felt like a victory. She was born to play this game, it was her destiny. He is her destiny.

Waking up, she found herself wrapped in several blankets inside a tent. Grunting, she struggled to sit up on her own. It seemed to be dark still, but she had a blue light lantern lit inside. She may not know who left it there, but Y/N was thankful. Despite her fear of dark, she found it odd she did not fear Aleksander’s darkness at all.

When his shadows nearly encased her in the clearing, she didn’t fret or worry. She smiled.

As contradictory as it may seem, she wished he was with her now. Her entire body ached and still, she was more bothered by the empty spot beside her. Shaking her head, she bites her lower lip. Would it be so bad if she showed a sliver of vulnerability for a single night? Would making a small concession such as this truly take away her power?

Before she has a chance to change her mind, she’s already outside of her tent. The cold chilled her to the bone, biting every inch of exposed skin. Teeth chattering, she looked to the tent next to hers as it was the only one so close – seemingly intentional.

Trying to open it in the cold seemed impossible as her fingers shook violently. Feeling faint, she wondered why she couldn’t just stay in her own tent for the night. Surely it would have been a better idea than to admit she’s scared to be alone.

A warm liquid trickled down her lip and she nearly laughed at her own idiocy. The darkness and cold and her own injuries have all been fairly good reasons for her to just sleep and try to recover and she still tried to find her husband who showed so much disdain for her in the past.

Just as she was about to give up, a familiar head of hair peaked through.

Shivering, she wipes the liquid from under her nose with the back of her hand. Looking at it, she realizes it’s blood. There’s a slightly dazed look in her eyes, the blood loss suffered over the past days leaving its mark.

Looking up at Kirigan, her lips tremble and she sways slightly as her legs threaten to give out. “I didn’t know who else to go to”, she mumbles meekly before collapsing into Kirigan’s arms.

No…Aleksander’s arms.

Pulling her inside, he wrapped her in his arms as she shivered. Covering her with blankets didn’t seem to help either, but he had confidence it would soon enough.

She closed her eyes, clinging to him and selfishly, he smiled. It brought back memories of the night she climbed atop of him to warm up, he assumed. She didn’t know he was awake then, but she did now. She trusted him enough to seek warmth and as her shivers stopped slowly. That’s when the Darkling realized he would never deny her anything she asked of him.

“Fuck”, he whispers under his breath and her eyes open.

He looked at her in a haunted way, a shadow of a bruise marred his jaw and she reached up to touch it, her chest aching when he nuzzled into her palm. They have never been quite as tender with one another, never so intimate. It felt surprisingly nice.

“Are you hurt anywhere else?” She asked, feeling so emotionally raw. Physical pain and lingering fear of impending death must have weakened her for a short while. Surely, she can allow herself a few moments of humanity?

He caught her wrist and pulled her hand down to press flat over his heart. “Here.”

Drawing a shuddered breath, her eyebrows knitted in worry. That’s where the knife was, she remembered with guilt. He could have died for her. Hating him requires too much energy; one she had little to spare. For the night, he can just be her husband and she will just be his wife. What harm can it do?

“Why did you come for me? Didn’t you say you wouldn’t fight for me?” Her confidence wavered as he sighed, brushing his fingers along her cheek. Not only did he come for her, but he murdered men for her.

Blinking slow, half in a daze as a low-grade fever began to grip her too, she had no more strength to deny how beautiful he is or how disarming his charm is. He may never love her, but she could…she could love him. If she ever fell for him, she knew she’d never be able to unlove him. She wouldn’t want to and that…that felt oddly comforting. For once, she was too tired to listen to her mind that preferred to set the world on fire rather than care for him.

As her eyes closed and her face relaxed, he stayed awake. He didn’t understand it, but he embraced the warm feeling spreading in his chest as she fell asleep.

“I’d burn this world for you.”

=============================

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PART 7

[theomnicode]

I've thought the same thing about Genos having the key to Saitama's house being allegory about having the key to his heart and that's a really nice catch with the way Genos holds the key the same way Sai holds the core in his hands.

But what is also wholesome is that there are now two keys to his house. That Saitama integrated Genos into his heart and this sentiment is echoed when Saitama says "our apartment" in 169.

"I trust you enough to share my heart with you. You live in my heart." Literally.

!!! Oh my gosh!!! You're right!!! And Genos was thinking about the same thing, like he almost had a second sense that something was wrong, like him and Saitama/his mental state were already really intimately linked……

Uhuh.

But what is worrying is that Genos LOSES the key momentarily in the OVA and has to fight bad guys to get it back and makes amends for losing the key. A definite hint that it's not going to be just roses and rainbows.

Saitama's cape is not just an implication of hope, but of just how thinly veiled his sense of hope is. Because we have to remember, he's depressed and Genos saved him from his loneliness. Without hope in his heroism, he'd fall into despair because it was the only thing that kept him going. Genos keeps renewing that sense of hope every single time it is frayed.

And the time he could not, he still remained as beacon of hope.

The light that illuminates the path forward.

It is poignant to mention that Genos and Saitama do not have this kind of connection in WC.

So...you could read it that there is no beacon of hope in wc. Because the heart hasn't been turned on. Nobody switched on the lights.

Saitama remains apathetic and can't properly empathize.

There is no light, only darkness ahead.

Quoting the Lich King who was also an ex-paladin, "I see only darkness...before me..."

--

When you think about it...who is actually the most powerful person in OPM?

The person who nobody can beat and who could solo the entire verse and the universe if that's what it took...or the person who was willingly entrusted with the ignition key, driving force and steering wheel to the most powerful entity's emotional state?

We best hope Genos never abuses this priviledge and power.

Knowing ONE, not gonna happen lol. He loves drama.

Because Saitama is all too willing to stand behind Genos and let him steer him around, you know it's gonna happen.

Pray Genos won't ever do the equivalent of shutting down the engine, pulling out the key and tossing it on a lake to be discarded or incinerating it, never to be found or reforged again unless by some sort of miracle.

Ah nevermind.

Homewrecker. Gunshot Genos. The bullet that incinerates the heart, infidelity. Because he's going to behave like an unruly kid.

Hey, at least he's not gonna be himself, because he doesn't remember...not that it's any better if Genos' amnesia gets worse. To the point where he doesn't remember how or who to love anymore.

But it would still be a point where Saitama's loyalty to him would break if he was to betray their intimate emotional bond.

--

And yea, Saitama spends suspicious amount of time naked specifically around Genos lol.

The first time they met, half naked in only his pyjama bottoms after only 5 days of knowing Genos on multiple occasions, naked in the bathouse, naked in the bath while Genos brings him clothes, naked and parading around with only body paint, naked and being stared at while on the massage chair and very much naked and clinging to his last beacon of hope in life.

Idk it's almost like Saitama has no hope of keeping his clothes on him when he holds Genos' heart close to his.

And yea, he already undressed once completely naked in the audiobook, just so Genos could totally admire his physique.

Saitama ain't gonna deny Genos anything lol. Bro would totally go gay just for Genos, doesn't matter if he said no homo before lol. But he'd prolly end up liking it anyway and have a minor (or major) existential crisis.

Just read your Saitama cape post and wanted to tell you it was great and spot on!! Also wanted to add that when Saitama first saw the hole in his cape, his first thought was for Genos to fix it and sticking to the cape is Saitama's hope metaphor... only Genos would've been able to fix it. No Genos, no cape, no hope. I'm sick and rambling so I hope this made sense?

!!! Oh my gosh!!! You're right!!! And Genos was thinking about the same thing, like he almost had a second sense that something was wrong, like him and Saitama/his mental state were already really intimately linked......

hhhhHHHHHHH. GOSH. GOSH!!!!!! it was right THERE!!!! @gofancyninjaworld says all the time that everything in OPM is a joke until it's not, and like...uuuAAAGGHGAKSDFJ ;ALSDF

And the only reason Saitama's cape got a hole in it in the first place was because he wasn't being careful with it, insisting on putting it *back* on while on a speeding rail car where it was fluttering around and getting in everyone's face. The only reason he'd want to wear is was for its symbolic and sentimental value. And even after it had been punched straight through the middle, he kept wearing the scraps until they were forcibly removed from him.....

It's not the first time we've seen the suit recognized as something deeply important to Saitama, directly beside Genos--who also recognized that and offered to give him something as a replacement for it.

((full OVA here: https://www.bilibili.tv/en/video/2012973698 . It's.....a little hard not to read his relationship with Genos growing the same way his relationship with his suit did ////))

We've seen Genos tending to the suit when he brought it back from the laundry too.... Even though it's Saitama's, he takes care of it just as much as he does the man it belongs to--and given how much it means to Saitama and how upset he gets when it's messed up, I feel like it says a LOT that he'd be willing to let someone else clean it, let alone do material repairs on it....and on top of that, think of that someone immediately upon realizing he needed help.

((I feel like it's related and that I should mention it--when Genos gets the key to the apartment, he holds it the same way that Saitama holds his core. That the giraffe has a suspiciously similar color theme to Saitama in his suit doesn't seem like a coincidence. When Saitama keeps to himself so much, giving Genos a key to his home is essentially saying, "Here, I'm letting you into my life, I trust you with this." It's not carrying someone else's physical heart in your hand, but...i mean that's pretty fuckin' close // ))

[saitama....sure is naked around Genos a lot, huh ;;; ]