#it's a very good thing that years of neurodivergence already taught me the skill of saying 'when authority figures say

[churchsideblog]

being disabled is confusing. what am i supposed to do with all this deeply-ingrained training to work hard and serve others when if i move too much or think too hard i'll collapse. how am i supposed to mourn with those who mourn when if i have too strong of an emotion it will make me so dizzy and nauseous i have to go lie down.

[chocobothis]

Javi Reyes Headcanons

(Cause those ship infographs gave me Brain Rot.)

He’s such a foodie who is all down for the Experience of things. It leads him to microbreweries, hipster places, pop-ups, etc. He tends to drag Nico with him but the circle widens as he makes more friends in Albany. Once him and Piers get along (and Javi drops The Grudge) he’s a frequent accompanier. But, things really shine when him and Leon get actually Serious.

Speaking of Leon: They absolutely got married before they were really dating. It was more of an arrangement of convenience starting out. They already knew the clicked well as friends, Javi never saw himself getting married for romantic love, and Leon needed an Emergency Contact that wasn’t the US Government. So, the idea comes up and they agree on it because there’s legal perks worth having. Then it turns out they’re actually really compatible on nearly every level. Javi still wouldn’t call what he feels for Leon “romantic love” (he identifies as aromantic) but it’s certainly something he’s only felt once before.

Javier Reyes Valencia had a huge Twilight phase. He was so into the books, saw the movies, has some merch, etc. Because he’s a sucker for romances; its as much his own personality as growing up with a household that loved telenovelas. He’s just the right age to have been ahead of the craze and well...it stuck. 

He has several tattoos including an outline of the Andes where he grew up. All of this tattoos tend toward a delicate style that would be considered “feminine” because he loves the aesthetic. They’re gorgeous and he loves them. He has a flower tattoo for Nico and she has a crow for him.

He hates living alone. As the middle of five children, until the Outbreak, there were always people around. When TerraSave moved him to Caliban Cove, post-outbreak, he lived with his guardian/surrogate older brother and two dogs. After training in the BSAA it was Nico until she moved in with Claire. Then it became Jake Fox. Things are too quiet and he gets too lost in his mind that way.

His handwriting is immaculate. It’s unfair.

Had he not experienced zombies he would have gone on to become a paramedic. His father was a doctor, his mother a nurse practitioner, one older sister was studying to be a forensic anthropologist and the other a medical doctor as well. The twins were still young enough to consider “Indiana Jones but Better” as valid career wants.

While he was close to fluent in English before moving to Caliban Cove, Maine, he still clearly had a Colombian accent. It’s lessened over the years but it does come out strong at times. He also has a weird mixture of Southern Accent mixed in because he practiced English the most with Nico. In return, her Spanish very clearly has a Colombian accent to it. They also argue back and forth in the two languages.

He had a crush on Chris Redfield when they met. Yes he gets blushy when you tease him about it.

The medical staff, and everyone really, at the BSAA loves him because he doesn’t fight them. If he’s injured then he seeks attention. He also attends his therapy sessions if at all possible; guess who has Healthy Coping Skills? Him.

He isn’t neurotypical but honestly didn’t know it until at least his senior year of high school. His mom and dad realized something was off and supported him. They taught him how to handle overstimulation, emotional swings, etc. Because they loved their son as he was. It meant he had a 120 count box of coping skills so he handles his traumas a little better because he’s got such a strong foundation to work from. Naturally, he picked Nico Bright, the most neurodivergent person in their program in high school, as his ride or die. 

When he picked his Vice he decided that it would be putting his dick in crazy, intentionally. He sees red flags, knows they are red flags, and is like, “They’re gonna be good for a night or maybe a weekend.” because he’s not looking for Serious. It still has resulted in him had the wildest stories to tell because why the fuck are you picking this people intentionally, Javi? 

When him and Leon get more serious he actually encourages him to take a sabbatical from his work (”If the DSO wants to fight you then sic Hunnigan, Rebecca, and Nico on them. No one argues with those three and wins in any way that matters.”) which was hard for him at first. Then Leon settled into it more and mostly retired to be a house husband who consults or occasionally freelances. Javi loves coming home from work to see Leon, Cat, and whoever is possibly over. He doesn’t mind being the one primarily working because Leon’s done more than enough for the world. Let him have this break without more traumas. Seeing his husband smile is enough.

Leon takes his last name because Reyes is Important to Javi. It’s one of the only things he has left of his family. Leon also was happy to be someone else beside Leon Scott Kennedy.

Javi’s hobbies include video games, specifically handheld ones, because they’re one of the most engaging ways to tell stories. He loves reading too and gets really immersed whatever caught his eye. Genrewise, he’ll play a little of everything but doesn’t care for zombie or military things because that’s his everyday life.

His greatest fault is that he can hold a grudge like no other. Everyone he loves he protects like no other, so hurting them leaves someone perpetually on his shit list.

He’s a Capricorn Sun, Scorpio Moon, and Scorpio Rising.

In any supernatural sort of AU, he’d be connected to Mohana/Madre de Agua for his powers. Water, healing, having a supernatural beauty; it just fits him.

In a Pokemon AU, two of his signature pokemon would be a shiny milotic and a sylveon.

He shaves his chest because he grows very little body hair and is self-conscious about it.

That long, curly hair and skin though? Oh there’s so much effort put into carrying for it because he’s a little bit of peacock and enjoys looking good. Loves dressing up his friends/lovers too. 

[lady-wildflower]

(as usual for my additions, would have been tags, got too long because I have Feelings)

In my experience, the GaTE (Gifted and Talented Education) class at my primary school did the opposite of what school should do. I did not learn in that class, I wasn't encouraged to grow. I was encouraged to stagnate. At best, that class gave us fun projects that diverted us from actual education. Education we needed, but where we were getting good marks so the teachers assumed we didn't need it. Now, as an adult, it bewilders me that they thought those resources should have been given to those presumed excellent and not the ones struggling. The very existence of that class is strange to me. It wasn't even good for us.

It takes the skills and attributes school is supposed to instill and taught us essentially the opposite. I never learned how to study, I was effectively taught that I didn't need to study. It taught me that my value as a student was in my ability to already know things, not to be good at learning.

That is a horrendous mix with neurodivergency. I'm a weird mix of autism and whatever else is in here, as well as having had very little resources as a kid, and parents who were even more restrictive on top of that. So the whole reason my teachers thought I belonged in the GaTE class was because I hyperfocused on it because I had nothing else. I was born two months prematurely; my parents were told I'd have learning difficulties. The GaTE class and that entire realm of "giftedness" masked that. Already knowing things without having to do the work, and then being put in an education paradigm that values already knowing things and not having to do the work above all else, made it look like I was some kind of exceptional student.

I wasn't. I'll toot my own horn here a little, I'm clever. I'm good at problem solving, I grew up on the Myst games. But make no mistake, that does not make a good student. That doesn't make you good at studying. I can work things out, I'm good at making educated guesses. In year 10 I was put in the Extension class of my junior high, and that's how I got an Excellence on my year 10 science test while bullshitting how condensation works and getting it right because I could work it out. Despite having spent most of that year playing the digital version of Cards Against Humanity at the back of the class on my laptop with my friends.

I didn't study to get that answer. I worked it out, but I never learned how to learn it. But schools have literally no way other than telepathy to know that. All they know is I got the question right. All my parents knew was that I was getting things right. All I knew was that I got things right.

I went through adolescence, slowly figuring out I was asexual and that hey you know how you've always wanted to be a girl, turns out that's an option actually! But I never learnt how to learn. The focus of my hyperfixations changed - I never gained anything much outside of school, but I had books. I had The Belgariad and Deltora Quest, fantasy worlds with maps, so I did that. And I coasted on that and my problem-solving. Sure, I broke down into tears when my teacher berated me for not making a diorama because I didn't have a shoebox to make it with, but I got the test answers and nobody really noticed that I didn't know how to study.

My peers certainly noticed I was weird, I was either eternally ignored or picked on in ways I wasn't equipped to realise thanks to The Autism(TM) aside from the friend group of Fellow Weird People. One of those weird people clocked the autism pretty quick. But like, I was the kind of weird teachers like. The kind of weird teachers think means "good student." After all, I hadn't been diagnosed with anything, and the more I continued to get good marks, the more it was masked and even my own parents insisted that I couldn't possibly have learning difficulties like they'd been told I might, I was doing well in school! So I got put into the top maths class because I did better in it than when I was in the second highest that for some reason was doing quickfire maths that sucked, I got chucked into that Extension class, with several of my weird nerd friends.

Not complaining about the fellow weird people to be clear, they're excellent and I'm still friends with most of them. Though, I am bad at maintaining friendships. fun fact. learning difficulties plus restrictive parents who have a disdain for anything childish means I never learnt how to make friends. I sort of just got adopted into all of my friend groups.

And then I went to senior high. And I myself did not know where I was lacking, I did not know myself and wouldn't realise until later how badly I had been failed. I had fully invested my self-worth into being a good student and being a writer. So it didn't go so hot when the hyperfixation fundamentally stopped being enough.

Suddenly it was all about universities. Careers. Everyone was wanting to know how my classes fit into my five year plan. The mere concept of a five year plan made, and still makes, no sense to me. I have never been capable of that, I have never been furnished with the skills to work properly toward any such plan. I was told "take the classes you find fun because that's where you'll do well."

FUN FACT. BASING THAT ON HYPERFIXATION ON SPACESHIPS WHEN STUFF IS GETTING UNIVERSITY-ORIENTED ISN'T A GREAT IDEA.

I crashed and burned under the pressure. And at the time, I didn't know why! Supposedly, I was fucking great at school! So why couldn't I handle it? This was my Thing! I barely passed my last year of high school, I was scraping by in the credits system our country uses after dropping two of five classes just to cope.

But I did great in the class I started with no prior knowledge in that year, an insane prospect for most: NCEA Level 3 Design. Know why I did well? Because I had desperately jumped into something a hyperfixation could fuel. That was the only juice I had in the tank. I finished off my external project (basically the design exam) WEEKS before the deadline because it was all I could focus on and it was based on a writing project I was doing, I could do well in school and play with my spaceships. That class jumped me, when I was pressured into continuing education as a financial necessity (complicated stuff around remaining a legal dependent), into Media Design School to study VFX where I just struggled to cope with everything despite ostensibly doing well in Compositing in second year. My lecturers were confused by why I left, because I was one of the best students in Compositing... because it was being fueled by hyperfixation. I could use these skills for my personal fun. I couldn't cope with having to do it under pressure for education - I could do it, but the pressure was destroying me.

I dropped out after two years of a three year degree fucking shattered.

It has taken me years to unravel that, to find peace in that no, my brain is a bit broken in some fundamentally disadvantageous ways that nobody noticed because this exact paradigm in education masked it all in such a way that set me up for failure.

But despite being able to find that no, this wasn't my fault, I'm just a bit broken and that's okay... that fucks you up. I've found peace in it. My life hasn't, because it can't. I'm spending my twenties as a shattered, chronically anxious to the point of disability, unemployable writer with virtually nothing else to my being. I am good at nothing aside from writing. I never learned to learn, and the only skills I developed were creative, and that doesn't pay the bills. Many people on here often feel like they've specced their character wrong after the tutorial level of school, imagine how badly I've specced mine when it is to the point I struggle to be an adult in the first place.

The benefit system in this country is better than most but still dehumanising and soul-crushing, so I've got that to look forward to for probably most of my life, and if I had been diagnosed for autism as a child, it wouldn't be quite as hostile to me. I wouldn't be looking down so many barrels of this disgusting, evil, hostile new government's policy. So now I have to fork out a fortune to try to go private for diagnosis, because the public system won't so much as touch an adult unless you need an in-home carer.

I'd have had that diagnosis as a child, I suspect, had my struggles not been masked by shit like that GaTE class masking them, and my mere presence in them not being used as reasons why I supposedly didn't have the learning difficulties I most definitely have.

Their kind of attitude in education and what it leads to destroyed me to the point I am not a functional adult. That ain't a privilege. I have so much anger toward the ways that whole concept failed me, but if I ever express it? If I ever complain about it? I'll be accused of being ungrateful.

Ungrateful, for having been given none of the support I needed and only given more and more obfuscation on top of the troubles I was having. Ungrateful for having been "gifted."

What was the fucking gift? I wasn't "gifted." I was autistic and the idea that being autistic but not obviously dysfunctional means you're gifted fucked me up potentially for life. My adult life is a train wreck on arrival, and if this had not been how schools decided who was gifted, someone might have noticed before I was crushed. I might have noticed. That train wreck might have been cushioned.

ohhhhh I get it now. the "gifted kid" discourse exists because people see it fundamentally as a sign of Privilege and not as a largely meaningless category that puffs up weird children before setting them up for the same unremarkable lives as everyone else; thus they interpret people going "the educational system gave me false expectations before ultimately abandoning me to the same heartless world as everyone else" as "why am I, The Main Character, not getting everything I ever wanted."

[0verthinking1t]

It's all in the subtext: the conversation adults are actually having with young ADHD children

It's taken a loooong time for me to figure out how to put this into words right. I have always, always been mad about how childcare professionals and parents handle teaching ADHD kids coping skills. When you are 6, and a very nice teacher takes you aside for some calm down time, and coaches you on how to not be mad when other kids upset you or how to be a good listener to others, or how to compromise and do what someone else wants to instead, it never pops into your head for a second to question why, if your brain is the one that's sick, YOU have to be taught to understand and forgive everyone else for not being able to control it. It took me 28 years of life to figure out that the "skills" and "coping strategies" I was given to work with were all centered completely on not acting neurodivergent in front of others; on not letting my disability inconvenience everyone else. I want to share this hypothetical conversation from an ADHD 6 year old's perspective— my perspective, in hindsight. This is the subtext many adults and I were speaking in, that I never knew existed until years later after my own search for answers. It's the very deep, old root of a problem with many branches, from self-esteem issues, to communication breakdowns, to rejection sensitivity, and more. We are conditioned to expect bad things to happen when other people see our feelings. We are conditioned to believe we are being too clingy, too selfish, too rude, when we say what we feel. I can't tell a friend that I'm not having fun playing this game with him, because I feel guilty for not liking what he likes. I can't tell my boss that a broken shelf is stopping me from doing my job well, because I feel like I'm bothering her and complaining instead of finding a solution on my own. All of it starts from subtext like this.

Adult: Yelling and having a tantrum because someone else wants to share the crayons is not ok.

Me: but... Why

A: Because it's mean. The other kids are allowed to use them too. Think about their feelings first.

M: but I had a really urgent idea for a picture to draw, and I need them

A: That's ok, but you still have to share. Your drawing is not more important than that other kid's.

M: but.... It is tho? The picture is filling my head and won't go away. And last week you said I was bad because I wouldn't listen to you in class when I let something else fill up my head, so I have to get rid of it.

A: it's still not ok to scream tho. You need to use your words and tell the other kid that.

M: I did. He looked at me funny and said things filling up your head isn't real and I was making it up. He wouldn't listen to me, so I had to talk louder. Besides, I wasn't crying because I don't want to share with him. I was crying because I don't remember where I put the crayons when I can't see them, unless I put them down in the same place right next to me every time. I was crying because he kept taking them without asking and not putting them back in the specific spot I was keeping them. It made drawing my picture really hard to do, and I was really upset about that.

A: people don't just forget things when they don't look at them, that's wrong. you were actually just being picky about the crayons because you have a Picky Person Brain. Picky Person Brain kids always feel things wrong and get upset when they're not allowed to. You have to follow the special extra rules for Picky Brains, like simply letting people talk instead of you, and not being upset. I'm very mad you broke these rules.

M: I— I don't understand how to follow those rules??? Nobody told me there were extra rules just for me, that's not fair! You can't be mad at me for something you haven't explained yet!

A: I just did explain them, and they're special for you because everyone else already knows them and obeys them just fine. I don't think it's possible for you to to not know what all the other kids do; you're just being contrary on purpose!

M: no! .... Fine. What do you want me to do to make you happy again?

A: it's ok, Picky Brains can't help that they're hardwired differently than everyone else's. I just want you to pretend extra hard like you're not! It's easy!

M: sssooo it's my fault...... That I can't do things everyone else can....... And the right way to fix that...... Is to just. Make myself do them. And not fail, because that's also my fault. Just. Just let them take the crayons and hide them wherever they want and not say anything, because the worst thing I could ever possibly do to another person, is make someone else upset.

M: I give up on crayons forever then, since there's always a chance I could make someone upset by doing it wrong. And I'll stop saying what I actually need to say when I have feelings, because my feelings also make others upset. In fact, I think to be safe, I'm just going to say nice, fun things all the time for the rest of my life, so nobody can ever be mad at me again. I don't know fun ways to say "I'm hurt" or "I need something" or "I don't have the ability to do that" or "I don't like when you do that", so uuuhhhh..... That's fine! I'll just stay this far away from everyone every time something is wrong. They can't be upset with me if they can't see me be sad! Don't make people upset; yes, ok, I can do that. Problem solved!

A: ..... Yeah, exactly. Just don't be what you are. Picky Brain Rules are that you have to work extra hard to be super calm and emotionally mature about everything for the rest of your life; everyone else gets to feel and do however they want. Glad you get it now, kid— see, look how much I'm helping you fit in, and you can use the cool secret "just don't be mad" tip to be like everyone else whenever you want now!

Me: !!!— ....

A: good talk. We did something productive just now. I'm going to assume this conversation is over forever, and expect you to immediately change everything about yourself starting today. If you don't, I'm going to lose my patience and just send you straight to detention/time out/other punishment you won't understand.

[serene-victory-77]

Why The Crows Being Teenagers Is Actually Perfectly Realistic

There’s a TL;DR are the end because wow I like to rant.

I lightly discuss the general situations they’re all in to explore how they are frighteningly mature and competent, but it’s not particularly depressing or descriptive, it’s definitely lighter than the books

I thought about this post with a joke first: “People who think that Six of Crows is unrealistic because they’re so young clearly have not spent much time with traumatized honors students.”

It’s a bit of an exaggeration, but the point stands.

But I decided that, hm, actually, I could make a point about this. I totally agree with the aging up of the characters in the Shadow and Bone show, but when people straight up say that the books are wrong or unrealistic for having a young crew, I get annoyed, and here’s why (other than me reading the books for the first time when I was 13 and thinking ‘Huh okay, I see it’ and now being lowkey offended when people say they ignore it for being unrealistic):

On Inej

- At first I thought Inej’s wisdom and general demeanor was one of the most unrealistic things in the book

- When I thought about it longer, I was like “Actually, she’s 16, right? I’ve sent some of the most lyrical philosophy trying to help my friends while in high school. My friends have done the same. It’s valid.”

- Frankly, teenagers love hard-hitting philosophical truths. They love repeating what they’ve read or heard in movies and in books and from family stories. They love sharing little bits of wisdom they have come up with

- Inej’s ability to hear and understand philosophy and wisdom that she was surrounded by for 14 straight years and then sit on it and elaborate it for her friends to understand, or even just to piss them off in Kaz’s case? 

- Teenagers have that. They do it. So, Inej’s Wisdom passes, to me. It’s valid. 

As for her being calm

- You know how everyone jokes that Kaz seems calm on the outside but when you get to his POV he’s like “What the fuck” at the Van Eck house or just straight up “Huh, is this revenge for making tree jokes” at the Djel River thingy in the Ice Court?

- Inej is like that, too. And she gets angry, and she gets confused, or exhausted.

- AKA every quiet kid ever. Like, are you kidding? Have you ever been in a situation in which it’s literally chaos all around you, people are screaming and things are being destroyed (think middle school classroom with bitchy long term substitute and even worse students), and you’re just, calm? You pick up your things, you do what you need to do?

- That’s Inej. Like, what else is she gonna do? She’s smart enough to know that panicking won’t help anyone, and so she just rides it out. Internally she might be like “Why is this happening” but frankly, her being quiet and controlled in most situations is probably a coping mechanism and I respect that

- Pretty sure this is also based on the fact that the Suli have no land for their own and constantly have to keep moving. It might align with generational trauma, I’m sure someone could explain it better than me, but being able to keep your cool while constantly having to change and adapt to new situations, in, say, a country with hellfire politics and no land to call your own? Seems like a hereditary trait that could be useful in Ketterdam, although it’s sad.

On Inej’s abilities

- Simone Biles started training when she was 6 and went to the World Artistic Gymnastics Championships when she was 16, where she qualified in all the events. 

- There are videos of people walking over tightropes as young as three years old. We know Inej didn’t start that young, but not only was she naturally talented at it, but she spent a lot of time practicing. I think it’s valid. Plus, some of her family members do some pretty crazy things in her flashbacks, because that’s the whole point of what they do. 

- Youngest person to beat American Ninja Warrior was 16 year old Vance Walker

- Inej has a variety of of tools that help her wall climb, and while it’s true that she started young and got good really fast, she already had a history of physical work that would help her, and from what we can gleam from the book, a surprising amount of free time in which she was actively encouraged to learn everything she could. 

So that’s Inej! I think her skills are perfectly possible for someone with her history and situation. It’s true that she’s naturally skilled, but that’s not actually all that unusual. And her demeanor and wisdom do fit in with what a lot of teenagers are like and the circumstances she was brought up in

Onto Kaz!

- One thing I hear about is that Kaz is too smart for not having gone to school and also too young to know all that he does

- Do you all KNOW how many self-taught people there have been in this world? The word for people who are self-taught is autodidacts, and honestly a huge amount of famous people apply. Like many, many other people in history (there’s a whole list of them in Wikipedia), he had an vested interest in a field and he learned all he could. Sure, those fields were magic tricks and math, but still.

- Suddenly I have a lot of thoughts

- Okay, think, hyperfixations. That’s essentially what Kaz’s thing with magic tricks was, right? Have any of you ever spent time with an eight year old that clearly really, really loves dinosaurs? Those kids can spout names and facts and identify them by their skeletons and frankly know more than I ever will. Kaz’s was magic tricks. All kids are special.

- Kaz continued working on magic tricks and practicing them for years, so, I think that gets a pass. 

- As for the math! Look, a Fact Of Life is that some kids are just Like That, whether it be possibly from neurodivergence or other factors:

- Flo and Kay Lyman are twins with Autism who basically have the calendar of EVER memorized. Kaz memorizing card decks is sensible, and these ladies don’t need to look up anything to figure it out, so Kaz doing sums inside his head seems plausible. His “photographic memory’ isn’t impossible, although the term itself might be incorrect.

- Katherine Johnson who worked at NASA (yes, the lady from Hidden Figures), was so good at math that she was in high school by age 10 and went to college at age 15. It’s true that she had some teaching, but 1. There’s no evidence Kaz had absolutely no schooling, even if it was just at home with books and 2. Kaz was 9 when he came to Ketterdam, and after Jordie died, when he wasn’t surviving, he was learning. 

- Human calculator is a term that is applied to children a lot and there’s definitely plenty of videos showing how smart these kids are and them doing mental math easily, which he does in the books

- He had a LOT of pressure on him to figure out all he could, and if he wanted to move forward, he was going to have to learn a lot. He spent hours practicing magic tricks, for all we know he spent hours practicing math too. We know Jordie was a bit of a bookworm too, so Kaz from a young age probably already had a reason to learn. Personally, a lot of my love for books was inspired by my older sibling when I was younger

- Young people are adaptable. Kaz is incredibly adaptable. The term prodigy exists because of people like him through history. 

- As for him being rational, there’s no other way to survive. Some of the greatest soldiers in history have been very, very young, and very, very smart. It’s true tacticians are generally considered to be older, but that doesn’t mean there haven’t been very young ones. 

- A lot of the generals I found were like, 19 years old, but Kaz is 1. not a general and 2. in a place where young people take up the mantle really, really quickly, and frankly it’s been like that for a long time. I still think this passes. This isn’t relevant but William the Conqueror was apparently called “The Bastard”?

- Frankly, underground communities of thieves probably don’t go around publishing their escapades so to me it makes sense that I can’t just look up “famous young thieves” and get anything that makes sense, but I did try

- Y’all I tried to do research on youngest escape artists since I think Kaz qualifies and I found myself in what I think is a magicians forum? It’s from 2002-ish and I feel like I’ve just found a relic. I can’t definitely prove they’re all saying the truth, but some of the people there talk about 10-11 year olds at magic camps, so, it’s not impossible for this to be a skill Kaz learned really young, particularly when he made a habit of following around magicians

- I think he passes the realism check overall

For the other Crows:

- Nina being so proficiently multilingual makes sense to me, because she’s been in the Little Palace almost her entire life with all the best teachers they could afford at her disposal. Some people just click with languages. One such would be Timothy Doner, who spoke 23 languages at 16. 

- Nina is a child soldier. She of course can handle the battlefield, although I imagine there’s a degree of trauma that she has to deal with (although it’s true that most of her work was always meant to angle her towards being a spy).

- Jesper was taught to shoot from a young age by Aditi, who was likely incredibly proficient. Plus, there’s mentions of him and his father being on some sort of frontier at one point in the books, so, it’s likely that Jesper got his fair share of ‘being a child soldier” since he would’ve been 15 or younger. Plus, with being a Fabrikator, he gets a leg up

- Jesper’s smart y’all, he just also likes to have fun

- I am a little terrified by the fact that I looked up ‘youngest sharpshooter’ and found out about a 9 year old girl (Addysson “Addy” Soltau) who can indeed shoot guns, but uh, it does prove my point

- Matthias... I haven’t heard anyone really argue about Matthias. He’s the oldest at 18 and again, he’s essentially a religious child soldier. Of course he would be built af and know how to handle himself in a fight, and in a flashback about meeting Trassel, we’re told that he was actually distanced from the other boys and was the biggest and strongest/smartest of the group. Perhaps not compared to Kaz, but still

- We know how Wylan ended up how he is, so I don’t think i have to defend how he’s both a musical prodigy, good at math, and good at chemistry. Plenty of kids who can’t do one thing will immediately gravitate to a different field (think AP math students who can’t write essays, or those kids who could analyse a book and it’s metaphors in class but didn’t understand geometry).

- Granted he took it far but it’s kinda implied that  his father ignored him eventually and what else was Wylan going to do

- I don’t really know how he did chemistry while not being able to read the symbols and stuff, but that’s likely because I’ve never had to learn the way he did and also I really suck at Chemistry, but I refuse to believe that it invalidates his capabilities

Final Thoughts:

- They’re Traumatized Honors Students

- People might say that “it’s unrealistic that all the smart ones somehow ended up together” but again they’re traumatized honors students and those gravitate to each other

- Of course the smart ones ended up together, they’re the ones in those crazy situations precisely because they are prodigies. Nina wouldn’t have met Matthias if she wasn’t skilled and a spy, Kaz wouldn’t have known Inej if she hadn’t been skilled at silence (I can’t explain that one but uh ninjas did/do exist and it IS still a fantasy world). Kaz would have never been a leader of the Dregs in a position to find Jesper if he hadn’t been so determined to rise to the top, and Jesper wouldn’t have been in Ketterdam if his father hadn’t thought that Jesper was smart enough to get that chance.

- You know how those fringe revolutionary artists for new eras end up knowing all knowing each other and even hanging out? That’s them.

- I have decided there is a strong basis for Autistic Kaz, someone who is more studied than me should feel free to explore this.

- I read this book a few years ago, A Long Way Gone by Ishmael Beah. It’s about this guy’s experiences as a boy soldier and it’s a painful read so I’m not sure I recommend it as a casual read, but he talked about these young kids being able to actually make competent military strategies and handle warfare. It’s an extreme example of what I’m trying to explain when it comes to them being able to handle the brutality of their situation, but it’s true, essentially

- They are definitely serious, but if you think they’re not teenagers I just, disagree so much. They have moments of lighthearted banter, they make light of their situation, they try to support each other Nina covers it so well in her farewell at the end of Crooked Kingdom: The little rescues of laughing at each others jokes or eating together and just supporting each other, is not only a very human thing, but a very teenager thing. 

- Scary experiences that shape us happen all the time, and although for most it’s not the things that the Crows experience, picking each other up is a big part of why they do read as teenagers to me. I’ve seen kids be able to seriously converse about things like being questioned by the police, or being left to their own devices for days at a time, or the general impending doom they all feel, and it’s dark, but they’re also going to joke about silly puns 20 minutes later. 

- Teenagers aren’t exempt from terrifying maturity and competence

- Finally: Despite all I said, it’s a fantasy story and doesn’t have to be realistic

In the end, everyone can believe what they want to believe, but this is my case for my opinion.

TL;DR The Crows are all prodigies and a lot of their achievements and capabilities are based in reality and there are real people who actually achieved things like what they’ve done. Messed up prodigies gravitate to messed up prodigies, hence how they all end up together. When it comes to their mental state, most of them have been brought up their entire lives in situations that required for them to problem solve and keep their cool even when things are going to hell.

[olivish]

Some thoughts about Melanie Cavill and her beautiful mind. 

I agree with others that Mel is neurodivergent/ autistic. I think this helps explain her passion and focus, and also why, in S1, she was so adept at “putting on a mask” and pretending to be someone else. Basically, I think she had been masking in some way or another her entire life, so when the time came to create the “Hospitality Melanie” persona, it was already second nature. 

I think this also explains why it took Melanie so long to see Wilford for the monster he is, and why he was able to control/ manipulate her for most of her life, despite her superior intelligence.  On that note, here are some of my MC HCs (I hope it goes without saying, I don’t mean to imply that anything described below is necessarily an “autistic” trait. This is simply how I imagine Melanie the person, who also happens to have autism.)

1. Before meeting Wilford, Melanie struggled to find her place in the world. She dropped out of high school because she was bored with the lessons and couldn’t be bothered to complete assignments. She had no friends, and most adults wrote her off as a trouble-maker.

Her family was poor, so she “borrowed” things they needed for the farm (some of them rather LARGE things), which earned her a juvenile record for theft. 

2. Because of this, Melanie believed she’d never go to college. That was fine, she thought, she wouldn’t fit in there. She didn’t fit in anywhere. The only person who didn’t make her feel like a misfit was her father, John Cavill, who was a patient man who loved farming, and who taught his daughter everything he knew about the trade. 

It wasn’t long, however, before John ran out of knowledge to share. Melanie was 8 when her father took her to the local library. “So,” he said. “What do you want to know?” 

“Everything.” 

From that moment on, John watched his daughter surpass him in every subject, every field of study. It was hard, not because he was prideful, but because it felt like he was losing her. But not completely. At least, not yet. 

Because for years after that, Melanie would seek her father out, and she’d talk at length about the topics that interested her, and he listened, enjoying her company, even after he ceased to understand a single word that came out of her mouth. 

I mean that literally. 

“Certains nématodes posent problème en agriculture parce qu'ils parasites des plantes ou des animaux d'élevage, mais la plupart stimulent la croissance en améliorant le cycle des nutriments.” “Mellie.” “Oui, papa?”  “You’re speaking French again.”  “Oh. Sorry.” 

3. Melanie’s mother was a different story. Shanon Cavill, nee Shanon O’Connell, was stern, intelligent and, due to an undiagnosed mood disorder, emotionally unstable. She’d lose her temper at the drop of a hat, and although she loved her daughter, she didn’t understand her. Shanon didn’t understand why someone so brilliant was throwing her life away. Dropping out of school, getting arrested, fooling around with boys, and girls, who didn’t care about her, and who only got her into trouble. 

Shanon said many words in the heat of many moments that she could never take back. Foolish. Reckless. Lazy. Quitter. 

The day Joseph Wilford showed up at the farm looking for Melanie, Shanon peered at him through the porch screen door. “Did she steal something from you?” she asked. “Because whatever it is, we can’t pay you back, so you’d best just leave before I let the dogs out.” 

Looking back, Wilford deeply regrets not heeding the lady Cavill’s advice. 

4. Melanie saw Wilford as her missing piece. Melanie always knew she was “bad with people”. To her, human beings were confounding black boxes.  INPUT > [???] > UNEXPECTED RESULT, USUALLY BAD. 

But Wilford. Joseph Wilford was a social magician! She watched in awe. Everyone adored him. He’d tell a joke and everyone laughed. Anything they needed for their work - funding, IP rights, permits, materials, labor - he procured through sheer force of charisma. 

He was just like her, except he had that one missing piece. 

It was the apparent gap in their interpersonal skills that led Melanie to conclude that she could never be a leader like him. That’s why she allowed Wilford to take credit for her work, why she believed him when he said it was better for all involved if she remained a ‘silent partner.’ 

That’s also why she never tried to run Snowpiercer as herself. Despite having all the skills, Melanie couldn’t imagine anyone would follow her leadership. 

(I think she was wrong about that...) 

5. It was Wilford who sent Melanie to college, and it was Wilford who coached her on how to “mask.” As a sociopath, nearly all of Wilford’s social interactions are theatre. They have to be. So when he met Melanie, he immediately saw what her problem was - the silly girl wasn’t acting! 

So he sat her down one day and gave her a gift. “A chess game?” she said. 

“Not a game. This box contains the secret to the universe.” 

She smiled, but he was serious. As Wilford set up the pieces he explained, “This is the whole world. Every type of person you’ll ever meet is here. Pawns, knights, bishops. They all have their rules, their own little scripts. The trick is, figure them out, while revealing nothing about yourself.” 

She didn’t understand, but in time, she would. Wilford taught her how to survive, but not as herself. He taught her to hide, to blend in, and to trust nobody but him. 

And it worked, to a certain extent. Melanie earned degrees from MIT and Yale, graduating with the highest honors, lauded as a prodigy. A recruiter from NASA asked if she’d be interested in applying for the astronaut program. Elon Musk asked the same thing, but he offered more money. 

Melanie could have worked anywhere. Done anything. But she went back to Wilford, partly out of loyalty, and partly because she believed he was the only person in the world who truly knew her, and saw her, and valued her for who she was. 

They weren’t lovers, but Melanie considered him just as close. For many years, he was her one partner and closest friend. 

6. When Melanie got pregnant with Alex, she was afraid she’d be a bad mother. She worried that she wouldn’t have that mysterious ‘maternal instinct’ that seemed to come naturally to other women. She thought maybe she was “broken” in a very particular way and shouldn’t be a parent. 

Those worries disappeared once Alex was born. More than that, Melanie’s deep connection with Alex made her consider that maybe she’d underestimated herself. In motherhood, Melanie found courage. She built stronger friendships with Ben & Jinju, and she began to interact with Wilford on a more equal footing. 

She started speaking up about things she never dared interfere with before. She didn’t like the company’s environmental practices. Their anti-union stances. Their parental leave policies were atrocious. Wilford was beside himself. He didn’t recognize her. He couldn’t wrap his mind around what happened. 

At a loss, Wilford blamed his catch-all word for human behavior that fell outside his bounds of understanding. 

“Sentimentality.” 

7. When Melanie lost Alex, she lost faith in herself. It wasn’t just the grief, or the guilt, though those were enormous. Melanie understood now: Alex was her missing piece. Alex was the one thing that made Melanie feel like she could do anything.

It cannot be overstated what a colossal blunder it was for Wilford to return Melanie’s superpower to her. He thought he was being clever in saving Alex, but from the moment Melanie blew up Big Alice’s connector and Alex gave her that grudging look of respect, all bets were off. 

Melanie remembered who she was. The awakening started with Layton, but it ended with Alex. 

Final thoughts: Melanie’s particular neurology has been a hot-button issue in the past, so I’m a little nervous posting this. Please reach out to me with any comments or concerns. Everything here is written with an open heart in good faith, and while I’m allergic to argument, I am addicted to discussion. <3

[wisteria-lodge]

lion primary + slightly burnt lion secondary (badger secondary model) (bird secondary model)

i hope you’re having an amazing day!! here’s my SHC dilemma:

i know my primary is lion, and it feels a little exploded, at that, but at least i know what’s up. but im still extremely confused about my secondary. i tried looking through other submissions, but i didn’t really find anything i vibed with 100%, but then again i have adhd and im really struggling going through all that text, it just kinda blurs together at some point

so, my secondary. taking the test, i always get burnt, often with a vague hint towards bird. at first i immediately adopted that and decided i was a burnt bird, but the more i go the less that feels right to me and i think it might be some sort of model.

Yeah. “doesn’t feel right.” Definitely see the Lion in your sorting.

working by elimination, im pretty certain im not a snake secondary. that ish doesn’t even sound real to me, i know there are people like this because i know a couple, but it’s just so weird to me that some people are just able to improvise so effectively, and seemingly change themselves like that, and they?? enjoy it?? it does sound dope, like i admire it, but wtf. 

Lion secondaries can get very *does not compute* when trying to get their head around Snake secondaries. I’m considering Lion for you. 

i do act differently in different situations or with different people, but i don’t think i have “personas” as much as degrees of awkwardness 

I see the burnt secondary. You’re definitely talking yourself down here. But the way you talk about “degrees of awkwardness” does make me think about the way Lion secondaries “change faces” by modulating intensity. 

depending on how much my anxiety is acting up, and the more anxious i am, the more i act like a doormat and revert to the proper manners i was taught, but like… that’s not me, and it’s not done on purpose, i don’t enjoy it. 

Looks like somebody’s got an unhealthy Badger secondary model.

it feels gross not to be able to act like myself, whatever the hell that is.

And you didn’t vibe with the Lion descriptions? This is the first time I’m reading though this and… very interested to get to the part where you talk about why you think you’re not a Lion. 

im also convinced im not a bagder - my mother is, and there are a lot of those in my community, so i was raised thinking that was the best way to be, an ideal to work towards, but it’s just not comfortable for me, i don’t wanna do it.

Yeah, this would that  unhealthy Badger secondary model you were talking about. ^

i don’t even think i *can* do it. i mean, “showing up and doing the work” is pretty hard with adhd, and not even the most efficient way of getting stuff done (at least for me), and thinking of the group and what i can do in that group is annoying. also i get that asking for help is important sometimes but it still feels like that’s just admitting i can’t figure out how to do it myself, which, yikes (don’t come at me i know it’s unhealthy)

Hey, breathe. It’s okay. Nobody is going to make you be a Badger secondary. Clearly you’ve spent enough time struggling under the weight of a model that doesn’t suit you, and now you’re pushing back against everything Badger extra hard. 

id rather find a group im a good fit for instead of molding myself to please others. 

See, that’s an exaggerated, caricatured way of conceptualizing how a Badger secondary works… but I’m not surprised that you think about it that way.

whatever i do, it needs to come from me.

… you’ve got a very loud Lion secondary. 

anyway im somewhere between lion and bird, and at first i thought i was a bird because i do in fact fricking love learning everything i can, i wouldn’t naturally call it “collecting”, i’m just doing whatever’s interesting in the moment

You mean you learn by improvising? :) Like a Lion? :) 

but sure, why not - i like collecting languages, knowledge about different cultures, books, music, space, countries, medicine, anything and everything, and i sometimes spend hours researching random stuff that im never actually gonna use “just in case im stranded in the wilderness and need to make soap” you feel? but it’s not actually because i think it might be useful (though i do get random bouts of anxiety over not knowing how to do certain stuff “in case” even though the probability id need them is infinitesimal).

Loving knowledge does not make you a Bird secondary. I’m hearing you talk about about a thing you do for fun, and - this is key - a thing you use as  a mechanism to cope with anxiety. ADHD can sometimes make you feel very scattered, going too fast, and your Bird is giving you [the illusion of] control. And I’m not going to knock that. The illusion of control is important. 

i just like knowing things and being able to use those things to do stuff. i wanna be “that guy” you can come to with the most obscure problem and they’d have some way of dealing with it. doesn’t that sound pretty bird?

Okay. Here’s the deal. You like Bird secondaries. You think they’re cool, and badass. Maybe you’d like to be one. But I’m still not at all convinced you are. I haven’t heard you use it to solve problems. 

but i can’t actually do that stuff. i think i used to, when i was a teenager? but depression and undiagnosed adhd kinda kicked my ass, among a few other things, and now i don’t really have the brain power for it and i feel like im not actually able to learn things as well, or to even think straight.

Wow. That is some burnt secondary talk. I can’t do things. 

(I promise you, people with ADHD have absurd brain power, and can learn things crazy well, although not in the same way as neurotypicals. You are right about not thinking straight, which I am interpreting as “in a straight line.” ADHD people think in webs and corkscrews and I love it.) 

 or if i did, i can’t learn as *many* things as i need to feel accomplished? which idk what you think but it kinda just sounds like burnt bird to me. 

Feeling like the secondary you have isn’t good enough can be a Burnt thing... but feeling like you need to manifest a specific secondary *more* (which is what this feels like) is usually a sign of a model. 

but here’s the thing. all of those sound real nice. and cool. and a good way of doing things, maybe even the “right” way, even though i know that’s subjective. but lion just feels more comfy, and idk if that’s because im a burnt bird modeling lion or if it’s smth else.

… you mean… like being… a Lion?

cause the “collecting skills and knowledge to solve problems” thing sounds cool, but it’s actually more just the first part that i vibe with? the part where i get to learn stuff! but when actually solving problems, i don’t usually think too long, i just vibe. i see where my instinct is taking me and i apply reason *after* that, or like, as a secondary, support thing. im not a dumbass either, im good at puzzles and logic problems, i can totally think things through and use my skills! but that’s not really how i approach problem-solving. i just jump into the situation and see what part of it is closest and start there, or what’s convenient, or what just feels right or nicer or whatever.

This is a perfect description of a Lion secondary with a supportive Bird model. Like a LOT of neurodivergent people (hi!) you built yourself some scaffolding using the Bird toolbox.

and on one hand it could be that im not confident in my skillset enough to do things the bird way, but on the other hand, thinking back to my childhood and teenage years, when i had better executive skills and i wasn’t as completely scatterbrained as i am I now (i was, but not as bad in some ways), i still did this? like, all of my major life decisions where made on the spot based on instinct and nothing else

I’m definitely seeing the Lion primary come though as well. 

whenever i have a problem of the interpersonal sort i just face it and talk to the person and don’t bother hiding or sugarcoating things even if it means hurting that person because i don’t want to lie or come off as something i’m not, when i need to work on a project i don’t bother planning, i just jump in and a strategy forms in an organic way as i go, you know what i mean? isn’t that what this “charging” business means?

Yes.

anyway i have no idea which one is a model and which one is actually mine. i love learning things but i don’t care about actually using them. i mean i like it, of course, but it’s whatever. planning is tedious and it kinda gives me validation because im meant to be “smart” and i guess planning is what smart people do, but it’s annoying and nothing ever goes exactly to plan anyway so you just have to pause and plan again or whatever, and that’s just so boring and frustrating??

I get that you like Bird secondaries, and I get that the picture of “smart person” in your head looks like a Bird secondary but just like… come on…

why not just do the damn thing?? and then what you have to do will be obvious anyway?? and sure, if you planned ahead, maybe you’d already know what you need to do and you’d have prepared it and you’d do it better, but who’s got the time for that?? i can’t use my brain like that! i need to live the thing before it actually feels real enough for me to think about solving it.

I have never read anything more Lion secondary in my entire goddamn life.

i hope this actually made sense and i gave enough relevant information, my head kinda feels jumbled right now. i mean it makes sense to me but i don’t know how this reads from an outside perspective. maybe i should have planned this like an essay or whatever lmao

thanks a lot for answering these & running this blog!!! it’s dope and you give really good insights and you’re just a super cool person!

<3 <3 <3 

[simptasia]

neurodivergence in abc’s lost

i’m gonna be listing off and talking about the canon neurodivergent characters in lost. i won’t be adding characters that i personally headcanon as neurodivergent in some way, what i’m writing here is elaboration upon what has been given to me by the show. please note that none of these people’s conditions or disorders were named in the show, so such diagnoses being named here are me taking that extra step based upon their symptoms

first of all i wanna point out that based on what i’ve seen the show, that the island’s healing powers applies to conditions inflicted upon the mind, not ones inherent to the mind. thats why daniel’s brain damage heals, but people like hurley and locke will always continue to have depression

hugo “hurley” reyes

schizophrenia and depression

our most prominently featured mentally ill character. it might seem bold to label him with schizophrenia when it’s never said that that’s what he has. but during his time on lost, he displays many of the symptoms: paranoia, pathological self loathing, delusions and hallucinations. now, it’s a fictionalized depiction of schizophrenia and that’s probably not even what the writers had in mind but it’s none the less a really, really good and respectful portrayal of it

it would take too long to list off all the times when hurley displays paranoia (heck, it’s easy not to notice how much its a part of his character) and self loathing. delusions? the situations regarding the numbers and his bad luck (canon never ever Proves what hurley believes to be true regarding that stuff)

they did an episode dedicated to hurley having hallucinations. a man named dave who drives him to self destructive behaviour, self hatred and attempted suicide. fun fact: when people with schizophrenia in real life have hallucinations, they tend towards just auditory. hurley gets visual as well as per Rule Of Drama. this is not a bad thing, just a narrative tool

(steering slightly into headcanon for a bit here but i personally ignore the dharma made Hurley Bird they revealed in the epilogue and just take hurley hearing that bird say his name as an auditory hallucination. for two reasons: one, hurley hearing/seeing things that don’t exist is already consistent with his mental state. and two, that bird literally, genuinely did not fucking say hurley)

extra notes

to be clear, in case there's confusion, hurley really does have magical powers. he can talk to dead people. that isn’t a delusion or hallucination. you can understand how confusing and distressing this must be for hurley

he's had a compulsive eating disorder since he was ten due to the pain of his father abandoning him. his struggle with this is well documented

at several points during the show he’s shown to have trouble spelling. he especially confuses his “y(s)” and “ies”. it’s not clear if this is due to poor education or a learning issue. or both, really. it’s safe to assume with him being poor, mexican and mentally ill, that school wasn’t easy for hurley

hurley has unjustifiably lived at mental health institutions on at least two occasions (the first time was against his will, second was volunteer)

john locke

depression

locke suffers from severe self esteem issues, and i know most lost characters do, but i mean to the point of irrational and destructive behaviour. he has an obsession with being deemed special in order to justify his existence. he also suffers jarring mood swings. (he can switch from calm and jovial to angry and defensive at the drop of a hat). when he was wheelchair bound, this threw him into a depression. when he failed to convince anybody to come back to the island, he attempted suicide. he would have gone thru with it too. he will go to extremes to make sure things stay the way he wants them to (killing an innocent woman so they can stay on the island, tying up and drugging boone so he won’t tell anybody about the hatch), and will fall into despair if he fails

also note that the things im saying about locke are not a comment on people with depression. i don’t think all depressed people kill and drug people. those were statements on locke’s character that i believe are a part of his mental state. my point is: he’s emotionally unstable and he tried to kill himself. and i think his extreme need for validation (from people and the universe in general) is especially concerning

to me, this all says to me that locke has clinical depression

locke isn’t as easy as the other people on this list to classify as Canon Neurodivergent but at least to me, i think it’s very obvious. like i feel bad being so vague but like, basically, watch any locke episode

daniel faraday

acquired brain damage, severe memory degradation as well as other neurodivergent behaviours (i’ll go into it)

he’s played by jeremy davies. enough said

okay, jokes aside. at some point in the past daniel and his assistant theresa were involved in some vaguely referred to time based experiments. while she was catatonicized, the accident left daniel severely brain damaged (also daniel spent years doing radioactive experiments without head protection, which would not have helped and indeed that is foreshadowing of this whole debacle)

apparently this left him in a state where he can no longer take care of himself, having been assigned a carer. his most outstanding symptom is that his ability to process short AND long term memory has been impaired

short term: he’s shown to have issues retaining memories from day to day. he wasn’t sure if he had met charles widmore already (he hadn’t). charles lays some exposition on him and when daniel asks why he’s telling him this, charles says, with sureness, that “because by tomorrow you won’t remember this”. counting on that to be an absolute fact seems silly to me but that does seem to the case. again, Rule Of Drama is in play here

long term: he can no longer access memories he formed many years ago, famously the memories he formed with desmond in 1996. all in all, this condition is highly plot convenient. can’t argue with results, really

no, i can keep going, i got more, this is daniel fucking faraday we’re talking about: his ability to remember 3 playing cards has been impaired (note that this is a skill most 4 year olds master), he forgot the secret code the science team were all taught and when he introduces himself to jack there is a long pause, in hindsight implying that daniel forgot his own name

like real life memory conditions, theres varying level to how much he does and doesn’t remember. he’s thankfully not in a 50 first dates situation and doesn’t forget everything day to day. clearly he remembers people if they’re around enough, like during his time on the boat. charlotte, miles, frank, naomi...

upon landing on the island, his memory slowly gets better (considering his condition beforehand, the fact that nobody comments on this is staggering)

when dan is fully healed? i could not say, i could theorize, but such things are nebulous. but still, the times we see dan without his brain damage, he still behaves like a neurodivergent person. just not like he was when he was brain damaged. he stims near constantly, has a tendency to repeat names and words (echolalia) and it’s shown that dan compulsively counts in his head. he counted up to 864 beats, if i remember correctly, which is about 10 minutes of counting in his head. by no stretch of the imagination is that neurotypical behaviour

(im not trying to sound defensive. and i don’t think anybody, anywhere, is arguing that daniel faraday is a neurotypical. unfathomable)

going into headcanon territory again, his ND traits, when not brain damaged, say to me that he’s autistic and/or has OCD and possibly anxiety. thats all theorizing on my part tho. but the fact of the matter is, damage or no, he’s neurodivergent

notes

his apparent need for tactile sensory input is legendary in the lost fandom. in layman’s terms: him pet pet. not just people but objects too. humans, overall, tend to touch things to process input better. many ND people do it more, and it seems daniel is a case of that (i am not making a solid statement on jeremy davies’ neuro state. that’s his business)

he shows an inability to properly process grief

he also shows shocking indifference to his own safety, resulting in reckless behaviour. how much of this is a result of his mental state or his upbringing is up for debate. i think it’s a combo of both

without his brain damage, he appears to have an eidetic memory

danielle rousseau

trauma induced mental illness

pretty self explanatory. the loss of her expedition, husband and daughter, as well as 16 years of loneliness (on THIS island) has resulted in emotional instability for danielle. she’s prone to paranoia, trust issues, irrational behaviour

she’s just not well. she’s right most of the time but she’s not well

libby smith

indeterminate mental state 

libby was institutionalized (the same place hurley was sent to) and placed on medication (which seemed like sedatives to me, based on her expressions). in the show it’s not what clear what put her there, but having just done some research, i’ve discovered that Word Of God says that libby became mentally unstable after the death of her husband dave smith. so this is probably another case of trauma induced mental illness. she must have had a pretty extreme episode to cause her to be sent to a place like that. something to think about

but alas, it’s libby, so not much info. moving on

benjamin linus

anti social behaviour disorder (is my best guess)

oof. depictions of mental illness with characters who are immoral are depictions of mental illness nonetheless. i feel almost silly saying this but: ben is not... okay

ben displays issues (at best) with empathy, compassion and morality. how much he cares about other people is highly debatable but one thing that's certain is that he does genuinely love his daughter. everybody else is ????

but the loving alex thing rules out him being a sociopath or having narcissistic personality disorder. and it is genuine because when he loses it with grief, it’s not a performance, because the only audience is us...

he’s a compulsive liar, lying even when it doesn’t benefit him. lying just because. ben is highly unpredictable, which isn’t inherently a neurodivergent thing, but when a person goes from a calm discussion to strangling somebody, all roads point to Uh Oh (i don’t know the technical terms for Uh Oh). many of his outward emotions are performed (the difference between his fake smiles and few real smiles is noticeable). he’s manipulative, he treats people like objects for his benefit/plans, he’s self absorbed, he has zero issues with murder unless it’s a child. he does have some moral standards. but overall, uh, [just gestures at ben]

also ben is repeatedly offended when other people don’t trust him, which is HILARIOUS, but also shows a cognitive dissonance on his part

hmm i need more here, im gonna break out the big guns

that’s some basic info there and doesn’t that line up with ben?

the article goes on to say that people with this can put on superficial charm. that is, behave friendly and “normal” when they have to. which ben is shown to be able to do

and this

“Serious problems with interpersonal relationships are often seen in those with the disorder. Attachments and emotional bonds are weak, and interpersonal relationships often revolve around the manipulation, exploitation, and abuse of others.”

reminds me of his situation with juliet. and locke. and his “friendships” in general

i snipped the wikipedia article for this because unlike the rest i felt,,, underequipped to talk about this sort of thing

ben being mentally unwell is clear enough in canon and i think this disorder is what lines up best with it. please note that ben is capable of change and growth (like people in real life who have such issues) and like the show i’m not gonna paint him 100% evil or irredeemable. i’m just saying what’s true

notes

ben says at one point that he doesn’t dream anymore. it’s highly probably that this is a lie, but if it isn’t, well that's not good. it’d mean his brain isn’t entering into REM sleep properly, which can lead to emotional problems

ben doesn’t blink as much as most people do, something michael emerson did on purpose. this can apply to some neurodivergent people

it’s shown that he was quite nonverbal as a kid. in the flashbacks in “man behind the curtain” little ben barely speaks

honourable mentions

pretty much all the survivors suffer from PTSD due the trauma of the crash

a great deal of the characters suffer from PTSD from trauma in general due to their awful lifes. like, abusive parents, war, loss of loved ones, etc

and i must note that ben, daniel and locke suffering from parental abuse, ranging from emotional to physical, is something to factor into their cases

claire, similar to danielle, also suffered trauma induced mental illness due to the loss of her baby and feeling like she was abandoned

sayid is depicted as dead inside during season 6 due to The Sickness, so thats like a magical form of depression. and one could argue that he already had regular depression beforehand

boone joked about shannon having bulimia. (whether or not it’s true, boone is an asshole) if it’s true, shannon has an eating disorder, which is considered a form of mental illness. espech one so self image based

self harm

self harm is not an inherent part of mental illness but such concepts are often linked so i felt i should mention some of these, it’ll be quick

hurley’s aforementioned eating disorder

charlie takes heroin as a form of self harm (that isn’t a theory on my part, it’s clear as day that charlie started taking it because his sense of self worth was so low that the drugs felt like the only option)

locke, hurley, (both as mentioned above), jack, desmond, michael and richard have all attempted/nearly commited suicide

so what can we conclude from this? well that's up to you, really. that i love lost a fuck ton? that the actors and writing in lost is amazing? that all the neurodivergent based depth got saved for the boys? yeah

but i wanna conclude with this: a part of what makes lost really special to me is that these people i’ve talked out here? they’ve suffered, and oh boy it was tasty suffering, but all of them, yes even libby, were more than suffering

these people have nuance. one way or another, these people (to varying degrees) were happy at times. silly. funny. angry. opinionated. they loved. they were loved. they lived and breathed as human beings. that means a lot to me

lost is a story of broken people given a second chance. take that as you will

thank you for your time

[lowell-moonguard]

Call for RP Contacts

Heya there! I’m trying to reach out to folks to hopefully find some more RP contacts for my characters. My work hours make it really hard for me to really do it in-game given that most people are in bed by the time I walk in the door and due to the amount of bigotry I’ve faced in the past for my queer characters, its made me somewhat afraid to try again. 

I am not available during the daylight hours (MG Time), I work 2nd shift at my job and am home at the earliest of 2am monday-friday. Often times I can be home even later (4:30am mon-thurs and 6am fri). Aside from raiding on Saturday I am generally free on the weeknds. All characters are on Moon Guard.

What I am Not comfortable with

Overly flirty characters: This is mostly because I’ve had bad experiences in the past with people who tend to lean really hard on very sexual and/or flirty characters. I don’t mind the occasional thing, but if its very constant I don’t think we’re going to be a good match. 

Romance RP: I’m not currently looking for romance rp. If we click and it looks like something that might come up between us, it can be a conversation that happens then.

ERP/Erotic Roleplay: I am an adult, but these are not the adult themes I want to explore.

Erasure of my characters canonical disabilities: If your healer character has the power to “fix” their disabilities, then this not something that I’m willing to entertain. Magic doesn’t mean that disability is gone, but that the definition of disability is different and has a completely different context within the various societies of Azeroth. And even ones that are disabilities in all contexts isn’t something to just be waved away with magic as that carries some very problematic ideas towards what its like to be disabled.

Themes I’d like to explore

This is not an exhaustive list! I’m open to others and discussions!

Rebuilding of Trust: Slowly rebuilding one’s trust in others, a concept, or something else! Trust is an easy thing to shatter and very difficult to fix. Especially if it was the fault of someone who isn’t even still alive.

Finding your place in a world that’s moved on without you: Time might have stopped for you, but the world did not. Coming out into the world decades behind at best is jarring and finding your place is difficult when everything’s changed

Neurodivergence and disability within a world with magical accommodations

Grief and magically altered memory: How does one mourn when the person isn’t allowed to be remembered? How does one cope when someone else decided to tweak details of one’s memories for their own gain? How does one cope with magically induced amnesia, built up from a mistake when they desperately want to remember?

Please note that while I am separating them by faction, its mostly to sort them as blizzard does.

Alliance Characters

Lowell Wyther

In-Game Name: Lowell

Worgen Harvest Witch

Age: 25

Gender: Nonbinary

Pronouns: they/them

Faction: Night Elf

Bio: What is effectively a feral child being drug kicking and screaming back into the lucid world Lowell has struggled to adjust to life as an actual person with responsibilities. They deal with the curse about as well as one can expect, but are alienated from their peers. A fact that’s only gotten worse since the burning of Teldrassil which nearly took their life. Having no loyalty to the Gilnean royalty, and what little faith they had in the Alliance Leadership shattered. Lowell has found that hoping that someone swoops in to save them is the quickest way to die, and is of the opinion that that there is no one who is coming to save you.

Muirín Battledirge

In-Game Name: Battledirge

Dark Iron Dwarf Shaman

Age: 235

Gender: Genderfluid

Pronouns: any/all

Faction: Neutral

Bio: Growing up and surviving Azeroth makes anyone jaded and cynical. Muirín is no exception. However she instead of wallowing in her misery and self-pity she takes it upon herself find the joy in life. The sweet before the bitter takes hold. To laugh, and sing, and find company with her comrades before the next apocalypse. Once the dust settles and the fires are put out, she takes up her violin and starts taking down the names of the dead, adding them to her music in the hope that they are remembered. 

Falmarin Tempestwake

In-Game Name: Falmarin

Night Elf Demon Hunter

Age: Adult

Gender: Bigender (woman/agender)

Pronouns: she/they

Faction: Neutral, Night Elf leaning

Bio: Falmarin’s origins are similar to many Kaldorei that followed Illidan’s path. The Legion came, they lost everything, and they made their choice. She, however, didn’t really expect to make it past their victory. Now a few years after the Legion’s defeat she’s found herself with little purpose, and little reason to live. Naturally she became a pirate with her close friend from the Illidari. 

Horde Characters

Vansia Dessuphis

In-Game Name: Vansia

Nightborne Monk

Age: 5,000

Gender: ???

Pronouns: he/they

Faction: Neutral

Bio: Spending his life under the “safety” of the bubble Vansia scraped but only just barely. Working as a courier and inscriptionist he raced through Suramar before and during the rebellion, using these skills to aid the Dusklily. Today he is a student at Tian Monastery, learning the healing arts and learning to heal from his own trauma.

Erynion Desrosiers

In-Game Name: Erynion

Nightborne Grove-Tender

Age: 485

Gender: ???

Pronouns: he/they

Faction: Neutral, Horde Citizen

Bio: Unlike his peers, Ery struggled to learn magic as taught. It wasn’t that he was incapable of magic, it was that the approach was wrong. As a result he’s leagues behind where he should be for an elf his age. What he lacks in teaching he makes up for in enthusiasm, as once he found his love of flora nothing could keep him from it, even caring for the plant life of Suramar by hand without magic until someone pulled him aside to teach him just enough to be useful.

Vothaeu LaChance

In-Game Name: Vothaeu

Nightborne Caretaker

Age: 26

Gender: Questioning 

Pronouns: She/her

Faction: Neutral, Horde Citizen

Bio: After the rebellion, Vothaeu used her withered wrangling skills to take care of them after they were no longer useful to the Shal’dorei. Specializing in their care as well as their retrieval she spends her shifts either taking care of the ones that have already been rescued, or diving deep into the ruins of Suramar to find others who the city had failed. Excited about the world she longs to find adventure beyond Suramar but her heart can’t bare to be away from home long.