#it's a very good feelings reading older struggles that are very alien to me these days and thinking “holy shit we've come very far”

[adolin]

Do you have any recommendations for feminist theory books?

genuinely I'm not as well versed on it as I'd like to be! I mostly read, like "contemporary mainstream" books rather than academic lit — currently I am reading delusions of gender by Cordelia Fine which is very good but it's taking me literal months because I need to stop in between chapters and yell a bit. as one does.

anyway. speaking of more academic-ys stuff: this is a cool reading list I'm working my way through. my all-time favourite work of feminist theory I've read was sister outsider by audre lorde, which should also be on that list iirc, or at least some essays from it.

also copypasting the OP note from that reading list because I think this is a very important context note that people often forget when it comes to academic & historical feminist writing lmao. especially on this website

I urge you to be highly critical of all of these authors. Take notes. Write a rebuttal and reason why you are opposed to or concerned about the aspects of some theories. Compare one author to another. Write down key notes that you find profound or impactful on how you think about something, and reason why. Analyze key points and think about how they can be expanded on and applied to current events. Write down a list of further questions to research later.

[thanergetic-hyperlinks]

Tamsyn Muir's writing beyond The Locked Tomb

Y'all, turns out there's lots of imagery and themes in TLT that Muir was already playing with in her earlier fiction. A lot of it is easily available online, in which case I'll link to it. (The short stories that aren't can also be easily read if googled, to be quite honest—that's how I read The Deepwater Bride and Why the Mermaids Left Boralus). • The House That Made the Sixteen Loops of Time (2011)

5K. Short sort-of-cozy romance (?) with (you guessed it) a time travel loop. Explores a very queer potential relationship. CamPal enjoyers might find a similar sweetness.

• The Magician's Apprentice (2012, Lightspeed Magazine)

5K. This is the one that stopped me dead on my tracks. It features an older, male mentor figure called John (a “very ordinary man” with “dark eyes”) who introduces the young, female main character to magic that has a terrible cost—and to literature such as Lolita. This excellent post by @familyabolisher does an incredible job of analyzing the very deliberate intertextual links between TLT and Lolita.

• The Woman in the Hill (2015, Lightspeed Magazine, originally for Dreams From the Witch House anthology of Lovecraftian horror by women)

4K. Possibly my favorite! It's a straightforward Lovecraftian horror, centered on the image of the woman (is it human though?) trapped in an unnatural pool inside a cursed cave. Chain imagery too. It does something different from Alecto, mind, but you can see links, ways of playing with facets of a strong central image. It's fun to consider how reliable the two narrators are. Here's an analysis and afterthought from Reactor Mag.

• Chew (2013) 4K. Zombie abuse and cannibalistic revenge story ft. an uncanny woman revenant, told from the eyes of a traumatized German boy. I was strongly reminded of Harrow's conversations with the Body. Tamsyn gave an interview on the themes and her intentions. Interesting to read in light of Alecto, I think, although I don't think she's going the same route in TLT: “the idea of post-war rebuilding connecting to rebuilding the body of the zombie; a Frankenstein who once rebuilt doesn’t act as planned or desired. […] I love cannibalism […] it’s innately spiritual […] any afterlife she goes to, he’s going too.”

• Apothecia (2014, published on Tumblr and tapas.io)

Short webcomic where an alien monster tries to corrupt the ruthless human girl who holds it captive. Musings on responsibility and murder, mention of child abuse. The alien's speech patterns remind me of a Resurrection Beast. You get wonderful dialogue like “Murder is a profession. Job. Employment, you tiny leg dog. There you are, walking along. Walk walk walk. Now you are a walker. Good job. Special child. Murder is like this.” Art by Shelby Cragg.

• The Deepwater Bride (2015, Fantasy & Science Fiction Magazine)

The opening line is: “In the time of our crawling Night Lord's ascendancy, foretold by exodus of starlight into his sucking astral wounds, I turned sixteen and received Barbie's Dream Car.” Need I say more? Extremely fun. A novelette where a young queer girl from a clairvoyant family struggles with an apocalyptic event while being annoyed by another very plucky girl. Lots of descriptions with nerdy marine zoology terms. Close in tone to Gideon. In the background, someone dies EXACTLY like that one death at the end of Gideon, which makes me wonder what happened to make Tamsyn interested in this particular image. I also liked that Tamsyn is aware of Nightwish. No link, but you'll get a PDF immediately if you Google.

• Union (2015, Clarkesworld Magazine)

5.5K. Very weird, extremely Kiwi story about a town that gets sent lab-grown wives by the government, but they're not made the usual way so they're Weird and people have feelings about it. Fascinating and eerie description of non-human (in some people's eyes, sub-human) women (?) who cannot be observed to have recognizable feelings or thoughts, yet have some sort of inner life. Quite touching, very uncanny.

• Princess Floralinda and the Forty-Flight Tower (2020)

Short novel (~200 pages). Very funny. I was reminded of Coronabeth because the whole plot is “princess finds herself branching out into decidedly non-princess-like activities”, but other than that—this is a fairytale for adults about people who make eachother worse. No particular links to TLT but a very fun read with some gut punches. Extremely Tamsyn through and through, what with the dubious morality and all.

• Why the Mermaids Left Boralus (2021, in Folk & Fairy Tales of Azeroth by Blizzard Entertainment)

Set in the World of Warcraft universe. Haven't read this one yet, will report back lmao. As with The Deepwater Bride, no link but I easily found a PDF of the entire compilation. It's illustrated!

• Undercover (2022, from Into Shadow, Amazon Original Collection)

Haven't read it either. Will edit once I do.

[not-poignant]

Hello, I was wondering if you have any tips for how to start getting into writing?? I’ve always wanted to write the stories in my head down but I struggle with writing and am not very good in general haha. When I read your books I get so filled with inspiration but feel like it’s too late for me to start ( even though logically I know I’m still quite young, but being in my final year of university feels like I’m running on quicksand ).

When reading Falling Falling Stars for the first time, it was like being shown a new type of love, being shown that has changed me as a person, which is why I’m reaching out.

Thank you for your time and for sharing your wonderful stories.

Hi anon!

People can learn how to write - especially for themselves - at any age. In fact sometimes it's easier to start when you're a bit older, when you've read and experienced a lot more stories and have an idea of the kind of things you enjoy reading.

It's important mostly to just be patient and gentle with yourself. You don't have to sit down and write a contained story, free yourself from the idea that you have to write a chronological/sequential complete story when you get started.

Start with the things you want to see most. Say there's a show where you just want two characters to hook up. Write a page of that. Not even the reason why, just...start with what you're imagining.

At first it might not be exactly what you're hoping for. There will be lines you like, and dialogue you think 'oh yeah this is kind of what I wanted' etc. that's okay. Think of it like...when people start out in art, it's not what they imagined yet, but that doesn't mean it's bad! It's a 'sketch.' It's good to do lots of writing sketches too.

If you find you enjoy writing things that you've always imagined and wish you could read, practice other things too! You can look around your environment and write 'how would I describe where I'm sitting if I loved this place more than anywhere else in the world' and then write 'how would I describe where I'm sitting to an alien' or 'how would I describe how this place smells, or looks, or sounds (practice listening for the sounds outside too, it can be meditative!), or feels to the touch.'

You can do those 'sketches' anywhere - in cafes, in restaurants, on public transport, on your notes app at a friend's place, at a family dinner after everyone's eaten and you're just chilling.

And then often without thinking about it, you will use those skills to breathe more life into the things you want to see most in your writing. Instead of just a one page hook up, you might write four pages where you describe the bedroom, how things feel, what the 'mood' is etc.

All you need is an urge to see certain things in the world and wanting to write them down. Put down random lines of dialogue. If you imagine two characters arguing, or hugging, or making up, write down somewhere quickly: 'These two characters hugging' to inspire you later. Maybe something specific about it makes you happy. 'They're hugging but this one is grabbing the other one's jumper/sweater really tightly.'

Writing for me is a sequence of moments, and while I write chronologically / sequentially now, I didn't used to! I gave myself permission to write scenes because I found it freeing, because if nothing else, then I have a scene of something I always wanted to see in the world. Maybe I do nothing more than just read and enjoy it sometimes, well, that's what I wanted - to write something I wanted to see in the world!

Anyone can do that, anon, and age is seriously no barrier to that. Writing creatively is one of those things that, like wine, tends to age/get better with time, whether you're practicing it or not. Learning more about the world, other people, ourselves, and the things in it, reading more, watching more film and TV, that actually enriches our imaginative landscape, and that's what fuels writing (even if you don't have an 'imagination' in the classic sense).

Writing creatively isn't about writing 'books' - anyone can sit down and write a moment, and you can too. And if you don't like looking at a blank page, just put down a sentence. Even a sentence from another story that inspires you.

My favourite writing advice to defeat a blank page because it always makes me laugh is:

Write the worst sentence you possibly can. Like, go out of your way and make it bad and silly.

'What a dumb brown rug.'

There, you no longer have a blank page! And you can definitely write a better sentence than that!

'He hated that rug, the colour reminded him of mud, and it didn't suit the room at all.'

'He rubbed his shoes on the brown rug, locking his hands together, twisting his fingers and hoping no one noticed him.'

But you know, 'what a dumb brown rug' is fun too. :D

And ultimately, you just have to try and have some fun with it <333

[serotoninisheldinkiwis]

spoilers for transformers earthspark (up to ep5) after the cut!!!

so I started watching earthspark and i have EMOTIONS abt it but mainly i'm looking much too far into the interactions between Bumblebee and Optimus and humming in thought

okay so! i'm gonna start off with the characters- Robbie and Mo are very good siblings- even with their faults, which just makes them look like even more accurate siblings- and I like them both a lot! Dot and Alex- we haven't seen them as much, but both of them are really fun! Alex's interactions with Bumblebee are absolutely hilarious as much as they're fandomish, and Dot doing her best to hold her family together- as weird as it's getting- is (impressively) working! All around strong human cast, at least for me! (Schloder is a tentative maybe. don't know enough about him yet but he's kinda a clown)

Twitch and Thrash!!!!! i!!! love them!!!! twitch is lowkey more my favorite (her personality and colors and vibes beseech me) but thrash is also a decently respectable transformer! they're both trying their best and making mistakes and working to fix them. it very much reads as two young people not knowing anything about the world and working it all out, and in general i love that! it has led to a teensy bit of annoyance (HELLO WHEN BOTH YOUR MOM AND YOUR WAR VETERAN MENTOR SAY MAYBE SWINDLE ISNT TRUSTWORTHY MAYBE THAT MEANS SOME TRUST?) but i also know that them experiencing that broken trust leads to the greater understanding of the Difference between the decepticon (only one as far as i know) that's redeemed vs the many others that haven't been

bumblebee!! i'm very much intrigued in this version- he seems older, which his design kinda helps to convey! the more almond-shaped eyes, the all around boxier shape- even with the more rounded shapes that he does have- he just reads as more of a young adult than a teen in this version, which i'm up for!!

but then with bumblebee there's also (what i'm guessing) is a s t r a i n e d relationship with optimus- which is (afaik) the first time we've seen bumblebee and optimus with a strained/not close relationship

i mean. bumblebee's very first episode he was in consisted of:

called out of hiding after who knows how long

being assigned to teach two literal newsparks how to be Cybertronian

him having to adjust to civilian life in the timespan of a day

him having to adjust to being a *celebrity*

him having to adjust to living *with people*

him having to save the life of a kid he was trusted with

and ALL of that was without a support system! bumblebee tried reaching out to Optimus, multiple times! the first time he tried to get help from Megatron- admittedly, he just never got a shot to use that advice, so that gets a pass- but the second time when Elita was on the call? she gave him vague advice, and then hung up on him when he started venting about it. like he hadn't been thrown into a completely alien (to him) situation and was, understandably, struggling. (i also think it's weird that megatron and elita didn't tell optimus that bumblebee called? like you'd think they let him know about the scout HE put on a mission struggling a bit with it

and then episode 5!! bumblebee called optimus! 28 times! 2 8 t i m e s!!! with information that could endanger the kids! and optimus waved it away with 'i was in orientation' LIKE BRO? if your highly capable Scout that's fought in a W a r is calling you that many times, i feel like you quietly step away from orientation and call back to find out what's going on???? why would you just ignore that??? what optimus has essentially done is throw bee into the deep end and toss a booklet of how to build a diy life preserver and i personally am VERY INTERESTED to see where the show takes it. bc i absolutely feel like their relationship is NOT where it normally is in transformers media (which is interesting! a fun change of pace)

either way, you also have the fact that bumblebee says that the Maltos is the first time he's felt part of a team in a long time. how long has he been in hiding? if not too long... how long has he not felt to be part of Optimus' team? how long has it been?

[monsterfucker-lisa-swallows]

i need your buffy autism essay PLEASE 🙏🙏🙏🙏

okay prefacing this by saying this isn't my exhaustive thought on the matter but i just got home from work and watched 3x01 and 3x02 for the millionth time but that gave me many thoughts

so imo reading buffy herself as autistic is probably the least interesting take to me, though arguments FOR SURE can be made for her and cordelia taking the common autism girlie route of getting super into hair and makeup to make masking easier (also cordelia is very blunt and no one in buffy talks like an nt)

so buffy as an autism metaphor functions very similar to the intended queer metaphor but works on additional layers. buffy is alienated by this big secret that she keeps, one that sets her apart from other people and gives her an additional burden. buffy's "gift" is both something that actively keeps her from functioning in normal life (leading to social impairments) and gives her additional skills and responsibilities. when buffy steps out of line or experiences adverse emotions due to her traumas, everyone steps up to tell her that she's gifted and should act her age and be responsible. she is not allowed to just be a kid, but will not gain the sort of skills required to be a functional adult. her school career suffers because she can't keep up with classes, even though she's very bright there is always some function of her slayerness that keeps her out of classes (this was, indeed, my school experience as well).

her parents cannot understand her. joyce tries, but her attempts to parent buffy as if she's a normal child with normal problems always backfires. hank summers doesn't do much of anything at all. as a child with a clueless mother and an absent father, i related extremely to the little glimpse we got of buffy's parents arguing about her before their divorce. "you just can't discipline her" is a thing i'm sure many autistic kids grow up hearing their unsupportive parent say many times before eventual abandonment. parental disappointment is common, and parental abandonment is unfortunately extremely normalized by nts because they sympathize with parents who want nothing to do with our "challenging behavior". my stepfather was very like ted and i know many in our community had to deal with abuse very young while having everyone around them disbelieve.

buffy constantly asserts how normal she is. it's this tenuous mask that she holds onto, wanting to be like other girls and fit in. she feels this enormous pressure to fit a mold that she's not terribly good at fitting into, yet when these abilities are stripped from her in "helpless", she can't help but feel useless. robbed of not just her identity, but that which makes her useless to the people around her. this mimics autistic burnout in a very real way.

buffy struggled significantly in her relationships, drawn to men who were older and often treated her poorly. this is also an unfortunate pattern we have to deal with as a community.

buffy's struggles with school extend til she becomes a college drop out just as i did. even when she tries to reenter that environment, she finds herself out of her depth. (the whole time speeding up fiasco has happened to me before.)

idk if this is more of an autism experience or an older sister experience but being given a lot of expectations very young and then having to watch your younger sibling being babied is very relatable. so frustrating.

and let's not even talk about her career. everyone talks about buffy's potential, but no one talks about how her slayer traits keep her from achieving that potential. social impairment, isolation, trauma, as well as not exactly being on a normal circadian rhythm. her calling leaves her with less time in the day to make money, and when you mix this all together you get a recipe from shitty minimum wage jobs, like the one i have. she's not valued for the skills she has (the council didn't pay her after all), so she's forced to subsist on crumbs. the bills pile up and her depression just gets worse as she feels buried underneath all these responsibilities that she can't keep up with. it often feels like no one is helping, and when people get frustrated with her for being overwhelmed they end up leaving in order to "help" her. (also retail time loop is real i've experienced it many times even at my current job.)

many characters in btvs read as neurodivergent to me. willow and xander are adhd. fred, tara, anya, and my beloved oz are definitely autistic. like i said i'll take arguments for why or why not people feel buffy and cordelia are autistic, because i feel that's way more up for interpretation. but i find it interesting how many unique neurodivergence metaphors can be found in this work. willow has definite rejection dysphoria and her magic addiction can be likened to an adderall addiction that started as self medicating for enhanced performance (very similar to buffy's feelings of being useless without her slayer powers). fred was trapped in a hell dimension and when she came out she drew on the walls and stayed in the house and seemed a little childlike for a while until she figured things out. tara grew up under adverse circumstances while being punished for her unique traits, then slowly grew into her own once she embraced that part of herself. anya has been alive for thousands of years yet never learned how to successfully socialize in fluent human. oz is very protective of his friends but finds it hard to verbalize how he feels. he often feels like what he has to protect people from is a manifestation of himself.

(i can also go into buffybot and april but we all know how robot metaphors work by now. also this analysis brought to you by my meta about how illyria is a depression metaphor.)

i could go on and on. and it's after midnight, which means i have to go on patrol. but i feel like i gave you a picture of why i've felt like i doubly relate to this character as a queer autistic. it's this sort of feeling like i never fit in and was burdened with expectations i never asked for and always felt scapegoated when anything would go wrong. my biggest frustration with the show was that everyone turns everything into buffy's fault all the time when many times it's the other characters who caused buffy to react that way ("if you leave the house don't even think about coming back", or the Riley Situation). sometimes there was equal blame to be had, but people really always made it buffy's fault for everything. it just always felt so personal.

anyway she and peter parker should date

[powergayser]

"home"

personal essay on ideas of home from a diaspora desi living in the U.S.

while reading “white spaces and brown traveling bodies: a project of re-working otherness” by roksana badruddoja, i began thinking of ideas of home, and what they mean to me. a portion of this paper, published in 2006, focuses on “home,” and what it means to various south asian women. the paper also discusses race and ethnicity within the context of the united states, and how these desi women are situated within it. i myself have done lots of thinking and writing on these subjects, but i have never fleshed out my ideas of “home.” 

there are many unique struggles and situations that come with growing up in a diaspora. my parents are from india. i was born in ohio. i have lived in ohio my entire life. i have gone to india many times with my mother to visit her family. my father’s family moved to america when he was eight years old, and they still live here. 

throughout my life, i have constantly been asked, “where are you from?”

people are curious. they see me, they see that i am not white, but i am also not black. in america, race is constructed on a black-white binary. those of us who exist outside of the binary have a difficult time situating ourselves within this country. others have a difficult time figuring out where to place us as well, hence the age old question, where are you from?

this question seems so innocent, but it is loaded with racism, otherness, and the idea that we do not belong here. 

when i am in a good mood, i will say that i was born in ohio, but my parents are from india. if i am not, then i simply say “ohio,” and hope that they will leave it. but sometimes, i am asked, “but where are you really from?”

what they want to know is my ethnicity, but they don’t have a way to ask that question. in these situations, i usually turn the question back around, or i flat-out say that this is ridiculous. 

perhaps this is why the idea of “home” has always confused me. from a young age, the white children and adults around me insisted that i could not be american like them, that i was something else, and i did not belong here. eventually, i stopped saying i was american. it is not a label i feel a connection to, and apparently i do not get to decide what i am, so i stopped using it to appease those around me. 

as a child, i mainly listened to bollywood, watched indian films, and hung out with my local indian community outside of school. i went to a predominantly white private school, and i did not connect very well with the children there. my mother also did not connect with any of the parents, so i rarely spent time with people at school outside of school. i did not participate in american culture very much, and did not consume american media outside of disney channel and cartoons. people made fun of me for this, or they acted as though i had committed some grave sin by not listening to taylor swift (i still wouldn’t listen to her if you paid me a million dollars). to this day, there are still many iconic pieces of american media that i have not consumed, and it still stings when people go “really? you haven’t seen that?” 

my local indian community didn’t help with this. the majority of the kids i spent time with primarily consumed american media, and had very little interest in film and music of india. 

i’m also neurodivergent, and i ended up being transgender and queer as well. as i got older, i began to drift from the indian community. i no longer keep up with any of the children i grew up with. i fear that i am too different now. most of them are pursuing careers as doctors and engineers, and i’m struggling to finish college and get my humanities degree. 

alienation was something i felt everywhere: at school, with my family, and in my indian community. i never had a solid group of friends, i never had “my people,” and i could not find my way in the world i inhabited. as an adult who moved out of his parents’ house, it has become easier, but not by much.

when i went to india in december, and informed my partner that i had arrived at my family’s house, she said “welcome home.” 

what is “home?” where is “home?” is it a tangible place that i can exist in? is it a person? or more of an abstract concept? 

in india, perhaps i do feel more at “home.” i am surrounded by a family that loves me, despite not quite understanding me and my ways (they still don’t know i’m not cisgendered anymore, and i am too afraid to tell them). i am surrounded by people who look like me. they aren’t disgusted with me for using my hands to eat. they do not question my love for indian film and music– if anything, they are delighted that i care. they do not ask me, “where are you from?” 

india feels good. but india is not home. there are so many things i love about india, but it is not home, it is a vacation. it is a trip i make with my mother, because my grandmother was bound to the house for the last 20 years of her life, and we used to go to see her. in india, i do not have a schedule, i do not have responsibilities, there is nothing for me to do there but relax, read books, and play games. 

i get bored after a while. i get restless. i become depressed and anxious. there are parts of myself that i cannot share with my family. i cannot go anywhere by myself in india. i do not know enough hindi, telugu, or marathi to get around. if i speak english, with my strange midwest-american accent, it will give me away. i do my best to keep my mouth shut when we are going around the markets and sari shops. 

these days, i see many desis online commenting on the way diaspora desis live. they claim that we are not one of them. we stumble over our words trying to speak our parents’ languages. we don’t always enjoy foods that are traditional in our cultures. we dress differently. we participate in the culture of where we grew up, rather than the culture of south asia. and so, desis from south asia like to say that we are “whitewashed,” that we have forgotten our roots, that this is a decision that we made. it’s not like there is pressure to follow the hegemonic culture and internalize it. it’s not like there are consequences when you don’t follow it. no, no one ever made fun of me for bringing indian food to school, or wearing bindis, or bangles, or my traditional clothing. 

it’s not like i, a diaspora desi living in america, have ever had any struggles at all regarding my identity as the child of immigrants and my place in american society. 

we did not ask to be born here. we did not ask to be born at all. 

america is not home, india is not home, and the shitty townhouse i moved into with my ex is not home, either. what is home? where is it? 

will i ever find it? 

[deanwanddamons]

Undercover - Chapter One

Summary: Homicide Detective Dean Winchester and Detective Y/F/N Y/L/N go undercover to solve a spate of murders. 

Universe: Detective AU

Pairing: None (yet) 

Chapter Word Count: 1.7K

Warnings: Dark subject matter. Angst.

A/N 1: As always thank you to my beta @winchest09, who helped me with the idea for this story. You are my cheerleader, my bestie and my constant support. I love you. A/N 2: As you may or may not know, I haven’t written anything in an absolute age. I have been struggling with writer's block and life has simply got in the way. But…I started this series a long time ago and a few chapters were just sitting in my docs. So I thought I would post the prologue in the hope that you guys enjoy it, want to read more and it may give me the inspiration to continue with it. I’m happy to say, most of you seemed to enjoy it so here is Chapter One. Please let me know what you think - comment and reblog if possible ❤️ Tag list is open if you wish to be added.

My Masterlist

Undercover Masterlist

3 weeks before Prologue 

Dean walked through the winding streets of Pasadena, Los Angeles, making his way towards the precinct where he would now be working. 

After spending a week in the hospital after ‘the incident’, he had been ordered by his Captain, Rufus Turner, to take some time off work to recuperate from his ordeal. Dean wasn’t happy with this command, and had been very resistant to agree. The police force was his life, and the idea of just sitting at home doing nothing was alien to him. But he knew that Rufus was not the kind of man you could argue with. 

Rufus had been his chief for several years, and Dean knew that he wouldn't back down once he had made up his mind. He had tried to reason with him, explaining the importance of his job as a police officer, but Rufus had already made up his mind.

Flashback

"Look, I know how you feel," the older man had said, his tone firm. "But you need to take some time off. You've been working non-stop for months. You need to recharge your batteries, spend some time with your family, and just relax."

Dean knew that his Captain was right. He had been putting in long hours, working weekends and holidays, and neglecting his personal life. He had missed important family events, and he could feel the strain on his relationships.

"I understand, sir," he said, trying to keep his voice calm. "But what am I supposed to do? I can't just sit at home and do nothing."

Rufus smiled. "I'm not asking you to do that. There are plenty of things you can do. You can take a vacation, travel, catch up on some reading, or do something you've always wanted to do but never had time for. The point is to take a break, clear your head, and come back refreshed."

The officer nodded, silently acknowledging the wisdom in the words he had just heard. He knew he needed a break, and he also knew that his Captain had his best interests at heart. He would take some time off, reconnect with his family, and come back ready to serve and protect.

"Thank you, sir," he said, standing up. "I appreciate your concern, and I'll take your advice."

Rufus nodded, pleased. "Good. Now, go enjoy yourself. That's an order."

When he eventually returned to work, the idea of being given a new identity and to move away from Lawrence, Kansas had been posed to him. He had been furious, but had eventually agreed when he realised if he didn’t, his life could be in danger. 

It was going to be strange. A new day, a new station and a new name. 

He pulled the badge from his pocket, the one that was mailed to him by his new superior Captain Bobby Singer. 

Detective Jon Elliot. 

Dean huffed a laugh. He recognised the mixture of names that had been chosen. Jon Bon Jovi and Joe Elliott. He was impressed. Even though he didn’t think he looked anything like a ‘Jon’, the name was something he was going to have to get used to. His life, and many others, were at stake.

Opening the heavy doors of the police station, he walked over to the desk officer. 

“Detective Elliot to see Captain Singer,” he announced. The deputy nodded and picked up the phone. Dean turned around, noticing a few chairs to his left and sat down. 

He looked around the reception area. It was full of people, coming and going, and was much bigger than the station he had worked in back in Lawrence. It consisted of a large communal area with around twenty desks and three offices. One that belonged to him and his partner Benny, one that had belonged to Captain Turner and one that had been used as a store room. There had been very little crime in the area he had originally worked in. 

That was until Michael had come to town. 

He shook the memory from his head, determined to not let himself be distracted today. 

“Detective Elliott?” A burly, thick set, bearded man in his late 50’s was walking towards him, his hand outstretched. 

“Captain Singer.” Dean stood and shook the man's hand. 

“Please. Call me Bobby. There’s no formality here,” he said “Come with me if you will,” he continued, gesturing to a corridor on his left. 

Dean nodded, and side by side the men walked quietly towards an open door. 

Entering the spacious office, Bobby closed the door behind him as Dean took a seat by the large, oak desk. Taking a moment to look around the room, the Detective took a deep breath as he tried to get himself accustomed to the new surroundings. Photo frames filled with smiling faces adorned the wooden space in front of him. He could only assume that it was the family of the older man who he would be reporting into. 

"Dean, I was sorry to hear about Benny," the Captain started, taking his place in his plush office chair opposite him before he steepled his fingers. "Terrible situation."

“Thank you,” Dean acquiesced, taking in the grim expression on Bobby’s grizzled features. He appreciated the concern, but was hoping that he wouldn’t be expected to go into too much detail. He wasn’t sure he felt quite ready enough to discuss what happened in depth with a stranger, even if he did mean well. 

“Losing one of our own is always a deep blow,” the elder man continued, “And for it to be your partner while you were on a case must make it even harder to bear. I have lost a few colleagues…” Bobby’s words trailed off as he realised Dean was fidgeting in his seat, loosening his tie with his right hand, the fingers of his left hand drumming against the wooden arm of the chair. 

“Anyway, I digress,” he went on, mentally kicking himself for making the new Detective feel uncomfortable, “I’m sure you’ll fit right in here. I trust your new accommodation is to your liking?” 

Dean was happy that the subject had been changed. As Bobby had been speaking, he could feel his heart rate begin to raise, his palms getting sweaty. He wondered briefly if the Captain had noticed, and that was why he had stopped talking. If that was the case, Dean knew he needed to get himself in check. He could not perform his duties correctly if he couldn’t bring himself to talk about Benny. Even though no one else in the precinct knew his real identity except his superiors, it was enough that Bobby asking him questions had made him react this way for him to realise he may need to take the force up on the offer of a therapist. 

“Yes, yes thank you Sir. It’s very nice,” Dean lied. The small apartment he had been supplied was in a rough part of town, above a liquor store, but he was grateful for the relative safety the tiny rooms afforded him. 

“Okay so,” his new Captain went on, “I’ll introduce you to the team, using your assumed name of course. They’re a good bunch. A few mavericks that need to be reigned in now and again, but besides that, they behave themselves most of the time.” 

Raising from his seat, Bobby buttoned his jacket as he walked past Dean towards the door. He opened it and gestured for the younger man to exit the stuffy office. 

He was led through a corridor into a bustling investigation room. Numerous staff were typing away on keyboards, the clack of their fingers creating a cacophony of different rhythms. Desk phones were ringing loudly, most of them being ignored. A large white board containing photographs of suspects in the particular case they were currently investigating stood at the front of the room, words written in different colours of magic marker, some circled, some underlined filling in the gaps between images. 

Dean followed his superior as he moved between the desks, the occupants standing up as the Captain passed, nodding at him briefly before taking their seats again and getting on with whatever work they had been doing. Some of them glanced at Dean as he walked closely behind, others ignored his presence. 

It was clear that Bobby ran a tight ship and was well respected by his subordinates. The fact that they stood up when he approached their work station was a surprise to Dean, as this was not something anyone did for Rufus back in Lawrence, but he made a mental note to remember this in future. 

The duo had reached the desk of an attractive blonde police woman. Her face was open and pleasant, a bright smile on her lips. She rose to her feet, as Bobby introduced her. 

“Detective Donna Hanscum, this is Detective Jon Elliott.” 

“Pleased to meet ya,” she said, holding her hand out. Dean shook it, warming to her friendly demeanour straight away. 

“I’ll leave you in Donna’s capable hands,” the Captain told him, “come by my office before you leave for the evening.” 

As Bobby turned away, Donna pulled a chair out and patted it. “Take a seat.” 

“Coffee?” she offered, her eyes moving towards a vending machine in the corner of the room. “It’s not gourmet, but it does the job.” 

Dean was relieved. He was desperate for some caffeine. “Please. Black, no sugar.” 

“You betcha.” 

As Donna prepared the beverage, Dean took in more of his surroundings. The staff were a mixture of uniformed and plain clothes officers, male and female, young and old. Some were busy on their desktops, others were leaning back in their seats, cellphones to their ears. Food was being consumed at work stations, papers were being shuffled, names were being yelled. 

It was so different to what Dean was used to, but he liked it. It distracted the tumultuous thoughts that haunted him, even in his waking hours. 

Donna, returning to her desk, brought him out of his reverie. He took the plastic cup gratefully and gingerly sipped the tepid liquid. She was right. It was far from gourmet, muddy tasting and luke warm, but it provided the caffeine hit he really needed right now. 

“Nasty right?” Donna chuckled, obviously noticing Dean’s disdainful expression. 

“It’s fine,” he smirked, placing the cup down.

“So, Jon,” Donna said, turning her body towards him, “What brings you here?”

Chapter Two

Tags - @salt-n-burn-em-all / @littlelonewolfgirl/ @krazykelly/ @deans-spinster-witch / @lastcallatrockysbar / @ssimelttilgniht / @123passwort / @winchester-girl67 / @winchestergirl2 / @americasass81 / @jessjad / @akshi8278 / @dean-winchester-is-a-warrior / @waywardbaby / @deanwinchesterswitch / @440mxs-wife / @globetrotter28 / @sexyvixen7 / @hobby27 / @djs8891 / @kickingitwithkirk/ @wirdbeimaufhebengebunden / @kyjey / @lindalouh / @solariklees/ @trektraveler

[schizosupport]

Hi Glitch, thanks for everything you do with your blog! My partner and I are parenting a wonderful 1 year old kiddo whose bio mom is living in an assisted living center and has persistently experienced hallucinations and delusions that make her life difficult. She's bounced between diagnoses, making treatment difficult, and because there is no family history of these symptoms we're not sure if it's heritable or not. As a result, it's super important to us to 1) explain the story of where she's living is in the kindest and most loving way possible, and 2) be super on top of things so we can be ready in case the baby does experience symptoms later in life.

I have been trying to read as many first-person memoirs and stories as I can from people, and particularly loved The Center Cannot Hold by Elyn Saks. That's where I learned about the term "prodromal schizophrenia" and the phase of people's lives where they may first begin to experience magical thinking, mood disturbance, or paranoid thoughts before their first "classic" symptoms of psychosis or hallucination arise. May I ask if you experienced prodromal symptoms yourself, or if you have any thoughts on how to best tell the difference between them and the kind of depression, mood swings, and anxiety that can just come with the territory of being a teenager/young adult? I'm trying to figure out what to look for that could be a sign that in addition to depression symptoms, a teen might experience a break from reality soon.

I figure the obvious best bet is "have a great relationship with your kid so that you notice and be there if things get hard in early adulthood", and "prepare him explicitly for things he should look out for and ask him to tell me if he starts having thoughts like being watched, his food being poisoned, or having ideas/images that don't feel like they belong to him appear in his mind." Or do you think that if you had been told as a child that you might have your mind play tricks on you and you should tell someone if XYZ happens that would have made you feel like you were doomed to scary experiences or like there was something broken about you? I don't know the best way to explain to a child that he may or may not experience something far later in life, and how much and what kind of information is helpful as opposed to something that would turn into a source of fear and self-doubt.

Thanks so much for any thoughts you may have!

Hi there anon!! Thank you for reaching out, I think it's awesome that you are doing your best to educate yourself/yourselves about the schizo spec experience as a result of this situation!

Firstly, I'm wondering what y'alls relationship is to the mother? If at all possible, I recommend getting to know the mother. It will first off give you a firsthand secondhand understanding of the type of psychosis she’s dealing with, and hopefully over time, things that have helped her feel better. Second off, hopefully it will demystify psychosis to you guys on some level, so it isn't this scary foreign object that your child might be harbouring. And lastly, it makes it easier to communicate with the kid as he gets older about who his mother is, why she wasn't in a place to raise him herself etc.

If for whatever reasons getting to know the mother is not an option, finding another way to get in touch with adults who deal with psychosis can be good. Psychosis can be very hard to understand for people who never experienced anything like it, but by reading accounts from people who have (as you are doing), and ideally through meeting and getting to know people who struggle with these things, it starts to feel less alien. Or so I believe. The common human response to psychotic people is often dehumanization. Because it's too painful to internalize that this is a real person like everyone else having emotions and experiences that are as real to them as any emotion or experience is to anyone else. So talking to adults who go through life with the veil to the nightmare realm being a bit too thin for comfort, is important, so you don't feel like psychosis = lost child. (Not instigating that you do, just stressing the importance).

So the thing about psychosis and so on is that yeah, so there's some genetic component in here, but as you also allude to, psychosis is many different things. That said, looking at diagnoses, getting a diagnosis of schizophrenia, autism, adhd and schizotypal is more likely if you have a parent with either of those diagnoses. So a schizophrenic parent increases the risk of autism too etc. At lower instances this is true of every psychiatric disorder.

This is all to say, diagnoses are a simplified way to look at a complex reality. But people who go on to develop psychosis, and not uncommonly their direct descendants, often have what could be described as non-specific neurodivergency that can go in different directions. As a result, most schizophrenic people, for instance, relate strongly to autistic and adhd experiences (and some have earlier diagnoses of such).

Kids with this type of non-specific neurodivergency are prone to experiencing bullying etc, which can be a bad feedback loop for developing psychotic tendencies (bc kids with psychotic tendencies get bullied more + bullying causes an increase in psychotic symptoms).

So what I'm getting at is that there's a good chance the kid might face some difficulties in life, and trying to build him a safe base at home and a place to express his emotions and experiences (even if they're weird or concerning!) without judgment, is very important.

To answer your question, yes, I think you'd say that I had a prodromal phase. But in my case it's a bit odd to say, since it happened when I was very young. In kindergarten and early school years, I experienced what would generally be referred to as such. And by middle school I was paranoid and delusional to a classic psychotic degree. In a lot of ways I was lucky that school was very easy to me, and I figured out ways to deal with these symptoms and get through life for the most part until this started falling apart in uni when I was in my early twenties, where I eventually was put in a position where I had to face professional assistance .. This may come across as unusual based on the literature, but I talk to many many psychotic people, and the vast majority of those that I talk to, had paranoid ideation, extreme magical thinking, hallucinations and dissociation as commonplace in childhood. Often it takes years before it gets acknowledged as such, but nevertheless.

So for me, while my dad might qualify for diagnosis beyond adhd (which he has), my (late) aunt was the “big bad schizo” in my family history. My dad told me some frankly quite terrifying stories when I was a child about his schizophrenic sister, about how she behaved, how she was treated (in the 60s and 70s), her beliefs, her suicide attempts and her suicide. As a child I felt a kinship to this aunt who died many years before I was born, but it was equally clear to me that my dad was traumatized by the way he lost his sister, and I was terrified of becoming “like her”. So like. That was not a helpful approach, I can say that much.

That said I enjoyed kinda having her as a weird icon of ‘the other weirdo in the family’ on some level I didn't yet know how to explain. So I think that talking to your kid about his mum is good and important, including her struggles, but I think it's important to do so in an age appropriate manner. I don't think you need to spell out to him that he should look out for these signs in himself, it will come naturally, if he knows his mother was “like that”. If he starts to experience things, he now has words and context to begin to understand what's happening to him. That's the key to building “insight” on a lot of levels. And if you manage to present it as something that isn't a literal death sentence, he may be more willing and feel more safe to talk to you about it too.

On that note, I think that regardless of his mum's condition, it's important to introduce him to the concept of psychosis and associated experiences as a spectrum, so he doesn't assume that there's only one way to be “like that” with one common result. So like, don't specifically tell him to look out for things like whether he is feeling paranoid, bc I don't think that's helpful. But letting him know that his mother struggles with/has struggled with such thoughts and experiences, and it's a type of disorder that has a name/names, and can manifest in many different ways, could be a helpful middle ground.

As for how to tell other teenage difficulties from the prodromal stages of schizophrenia, honestly it's neigh impossible. I would argue that the presence of ipseity disturbance points towards schizophrenia, but I wouldn't recommend asking a bunch of questions related to the experience of self, bc that's triggering as hell if he IS dealing with that .. So I think my best advice is to deal with symptoms as they arise, and don't look for a specific inevitable pattern. There's no real way to know the future, and if you expect Y symptom once you've seen X symptom, you can accidentally push him in that direction. So I think that responding to any given symptom as a standalone experience, rather than as a sign of a specific disorder, is the best approach. The worst thing that can happen is you guys starting to interpret his whole person according to the expectations of a disorder (even if he does get diagnosed with said disorder!). He's always an individual first.

An important note is that it's not like we have any treatment that definitely halts a prodromal phase anyways. People talk a lot about early intervention, but from my perspective it's pretty controversial.

Sure, if you can afford it, it might be great if he has a therapist that he trust during his teenage years, to talk things through with etc. But other than that there's not much to do. I'm not really a proponent of early intervention antipsychotics, and I think the best is to not assume the steps ahead, but just help him wherever he's at. Plenty of people go through what could accurately be described as a prodromal phase without ever developing further, too. Sometimes things just are, and your kid is a bit of a weirdo, and that's fine! :p

On the note of memoirs and so on, I don't know if you read it, but I really liked the book “a road back from schizophrenia” by Arnhild Lauveng, I think it may be a relevant read too. The English translation is lackluster, but it still gets the points across I feel.

At the end of the day there’s no real way to predict if your child will experience these struggles, but hey, that's true for any child! He has a whole life of experiences ahead of him, some good, some bad. And the best you can do is be by his side, and try to give him a safe space where he feels that he can be himself and talk about his experiences, good or bad. And this also includes respecting when he sets boundaries and doesn't want you involved, which can be hard if psychosis is involved. But the best way to keep being a safe person long term is to respect his boundaries, even if they are arbitrary or doesn't seem to make sense based on your understanding of the world.

Just the fact that you are sending this message to this account, I take as a wonderful sign of your investment in this kid and his future. I hope you will love him lots, and he you (and your partner). I hope you have a happy beautiful family ❤️ with or without psychosis.

[13eyond13]

can you talk more about your thoughts on study for obedience? I genuinely love your book opinions and I eat it up everytime you post literary opinions <3

Aw, that's very nice of you to say!

I will try my best to convey a little of what it was about Study for Obedience that irked me so much.

Essentially, this is a first-person POV story told to us by a young(ish?) woman who agrees to move in with her older brother after he gets divorced. This is in order to help take care of him and take care of his house.

So first off, I just found the voice of the narrator in this book and the prose she uses to tell her story incredibly off-putting, irritating, and an unpleasant drudge to read. This character was simply no fun at all to keep company with, not even in a "quirky unreliable narrator" or a "you love to hate them" sort of way. I kept some notes about it on my phone as I was reading along, and this is what I said about it at the time:

"REALLY don't like the prose... constant breathless run-ons, bafflingly old-fashioned expressions and fussy language that also at times becomes embarrassingly edgy and modern and melodramatic. The narrator waffles between what seem like attempts to be elegant and grand and profound and impressive and then saying something stupidly blunt and shocking and eye-rollingly silly. She is quite simply a hugely depressing drag to hang out with. I am so annoyed by characters like this that continuously say they don't like themselves or the way they are living, are completely self-aware about it, and yet also seemingly doing nothing to change it, and never demonstrating a good reason for why we should still want to hang out with them to listen to their story and care about what they get up to. And the way she's constantly keeping all of these little details about the setting and the other characters and specifics of her life and past and the various actions that take place so vague and indefinite strikes me more as poor writing than anything very stylistically necessary or a narratively clever choice on the author's behalf."

Here are some specific examples of the kind of irritatingly old-fashioned and melodramatic wording that this narrator would inexplicably use constantly (I say "inexplicably" because the story is supposed to be set in modern times, and I don't think there was ever any real explanation given for why the character might have a penchant for wording things in such a weird archaic way... like she never says she really loves reading old books and imagining herself as a heroine in them, or anything like that):

-calling the amenities around her brother's house "the modern conveniences"

-calling the country she moves to "the land of our forebearers"

-saying "they had committed the most grievous sins against one another" about her brother and his wife getting a divorce

-saying "the forest that was his by deed of law" about the property her brother owns

-calling herself "weak of lung" instead of asthmatic

-calling the language the people speak in the country she moves to "the common speech" (she for SOME REASON is never specific about ANYTHING that might help flesh out and contextualize big parts of the story like the setting a bit more for the reader, like she never actually names the country she's living in or the language she's struggling to learn, which just simply becomes a bit infuriating instead of intriguing after a while... maybe Sarah Bernstein thought it added to the spooky atmosphere or emphasized the character's alienation or odd mental state or something, but I kept getting the feeling that keeping it all really vague and generic was kinda more so the author didn't have to commit to actually doing research on another country and being accurate about it).

THEN, mixed in with all those cringey faux old-timey turns of phrase, the narrator also drops these statements from time-to-time that are perhaps meant to seem profound and thought-provoking, but just missed the mark completely for me and seemed more like they'd be at home on r/im14andthisisdeep instead, like:

"It's not the meek who inherit the earth. The meek get kicked in the teeth."

There are many attempts at things like creepy imagery and metaphors and whatnot that are mostly just gross descriptions of animals being eaten or in various states of death and decay that also strongly reminded me of a 14 year old edgelord's idea of incredibly deep and haunting imagery and literary symbolism.

This is apparently meant to be a story about the psychological horror of whatever weird sort of creepy domestic arrangement she has with her brother in their shared home, and exploring how this character is a "study for obedience" that uses her subservience and submissiveness to be oddly powerful. But almost immediately upon moving into this house with her brother he just up and leaves again on a business trip, and then like 75% of the story is just the narrator wandering aimlessly around the house and town by herself and musing about things instead? SO WHY INTRODUCE THIS BROTHER CHARACTER AND THIS DYNAMIC AND THEN DO ABSOLUTELY NOTHING TO DEVELOP IT OR EXPLORE IT THE ENTIRE TIME EXCEPT EXTREMELY HAM-FISTEDLY WHEN YOU RUSH HIM BACK IN AT THE VERY END OF THE BOOK. Truly sometimes it felt like the writer completely forgot what she initially set out to write about, got distracted by wanting to write descriptions of solo walks through the forest in the snow instead, and then suddenly was like "oh yeah, I guess maybe she should actually be living with somebody else so she actually has to demonstrate some obedience again at some point."

The entire time I was reading it I just kept thinking: "This feels like it's trying to sound like an older classic book like Rebecca by Daphne Du Maurier, or The Turn of the Screw by Henry James, or We Have Always Lived in the Castle by Shirley Jackson, but unfortunately it's just doing all of that stuff much worse." It made a lot of sense to me when I found out later on that Sarah Bernstein had been going through a Shirley Jackson phase at the time of writing it... There is also an attempt at some point of including antisemitism as a theme in this book that is also very Shirley Jackson-esque, but I just felt it was very lazily shoehorned in and so poorly utilized in this book in comparison to something like We Have Always Lived in the Castle.

One of the other main things I think this book failed at in comparison to those other classic ones mentioned above is that you kinda want these sort of narrators to be taking you into a world that's exciting or interesting or a bit enviable or absorbing to go into as a reader, like Manderley in Rebecca... a mysterious gothic mansion or something to help you understand why they might be drawn to going there even despite their misgivings and anxieties? Which this story certainly did not do, not with this cast of paper-thin supporting characters and bare bones setting to explore. Especially because the narrator was so intent on keeping everything so vague!

ANYWAY, I DO think this book actually got a little bit better near the ending and started to feel like it had a bit more of a cohesive and interesting and perhaps more layered story underlying everything else that had come before it, which is why I ended up giving it a 1.5 star rating instead of something even lower than that (for me I give 1 star if I "hated" the book and 2 stars if I "disliked" it... so the slightly more interesting stuff going on during the ending meant that this one was bumped up from the "hated it" into the "really disliked it" category for me, hahaha).

[sometimesrosy]

Hello!!!

I remember you once saying that you like fantasy books. Do you have any recommendations? Books like Lord of the rings or the Liveship Traders by Robin Hobb?

Thanks in advance!

Aww man, you took my favorite answer!

Robin Hobb is my favorite, especially Liveship Traders. Actually-- have you read the other books in the universe? Because the Assassin books are my fav also. The first trilogy.

I have not read a whole lot of fantasy lately, finding it a bit too stressful for my anxiety and autoimmune disease (reducing stress is actually part of my health care,) so I'm reading historical romance, which IMO shares elements with fantasy but the 'magic' is love.

I did read Fourth Wing and its sequel and enjoyed that although it was a little YA for me and the second one was too long and should probably be either shortened or split into two books. But still fun and a nice mash-up of current YA romantasy trends and Pern by Anne McCaffery. Oh, I suppose technically it's NA, not YA. A magical college, not a boarding school.

Oh heck! Have you read Pern by Anne McCaffrey? It was a majorly formative work for me and technically it's science fiction but it has low/no technology because once the colony landed on the planet they were cut off from the rest of humanity by the dangerous natural disaster of Threads that also made them lose their tech. So it's an alien planet with psionic dragons, but feels like some kind of weird medieval fantasy. Be aware it was first written in like 1968 or something so it's coming from a world where racism and misogyny and classism and homophobia were deeply imbedded in society so there are some archaic cultural concepts but she was definitely TRYING to be accepting and non-racist, especially for the time. The characters are multi-ethnic and they address homosexuality (not real well but it exists) while feminism and classism are still struggling to be defined in the books. Also maybe a little weird dub-con? Like I said. Some archaic concepts. But I can read through them because it's very nostalgic for me.

I think Six of Crows by Leigh Bardugo has a bit of a Liveship Traders feel, but crooks instead of pirates. Same same right? The tortured characters and found family is there.

Oh I googled a bit and found Fonda Lee's The GreenBone Saga is good to read. I started it but didn't finish so it's on my list. I think I tried to read it when my anxiety was high and my focus was low so it needs a redo.

Also yes I could Brandon Sanderson also being a good rec for this. I particularly liked Mistborn.

And oh. The Broken Earth trilogy by NK Jemison. It's epic and intriguing and unique.

For an older one more in line with LOTR, have you read The Belgariad, by David Eddings? I haven't read it in a while so am not sure how it holds up and it's been labeled as YA because the main character goes from a little boy to a teenager, and it's probably less graphic than a lot of adult books now but I really loved it as a teen. It's probably a lot softer and less dark than a lot of stuff now. Like as if Eddings read LOTR and said, ok but let's make it less WW1-ish and put a kid in there and a sorceress and a rapscallion wizard and a whole bunch of quirky characters for a mission. It's also as if GRR Martin read the Belgariad and said, "What is this shit? I'm going to take it and add in misery and rape and horror and doom because who likes fluffy families and motherly sorceresses? Make her hot and evil and have her give birth on page to a shadow and now you're talking."

[yssjj]

american psycho: he's just like me fr

In No Longer Human by Osamu Dazai, there’s a passage where the main character, Yozo, who is ostensibly Dazai (it is a semi-autobiographical book), struggles to figure out exactly what the hell his Sister wants from him in a fairly obvious situation:

“One autumn evening as I was lying in bed reading a book, the older of my cousins–I always called her Sister–suddenly darted into my room quick as a bird, and collapsed over my bed. She whispered through her tears, “Yozo, you’ll help me, I know. I know you will. Let’s run away from this terrible house together. Oh, help me, please.” She continued in this hysterical vein for a while only to burst into tears again. This was not the first time that a woman had put on such a scene before me, and Sister’s excessively emotional words did not surprise me much. I felt instead a certain boredom at their banality and emptiness. I slipped out of bed, went to my desk and picked up a persimmon. I peeled it and offered my Sister a section. She ate it, still sobbing, and said, “Have you any interesting books? Lend me something.” I chose Soseki’s I am a Cat from my bookshelf and handed it to her. “Thanks for the persimmon,” Sister said as she left the room, an embarrassed smile on her face…”

At this moment, Dazai/Yozo provides an accidentally hilarious moment through his lack of empathy. Even though Yozo faces similar despair, he is unable to connect sadness to the sadness of others. After several trials of this sort of situation where a girl comes to him crying for support (which despite his wishes is a recurring theme in his life), he has figured out a simple, effective solution—distract them with sweets, books, anything at hand, even a suicide pact.

Of course, this isn’t the correct “answer” to these situations. He could have just… talked to her! But this is impossible for Yozo because claims to be completely disconnected from her. And he’s too terrified to try to reach out. He imagines that all other people have a monster behind their mask, ready to attack him at will.

The entire book is like this, a person who doesn’t know how to interact with other people because he is actually terrified of everyone around him, which is all rooted in his feeling of spiritual isolation. The title is a direct statement of the narrator’s feeling towards the world around him—as someone who is just faking being human, what point did he have in existing when he has to live in fear of everyone around him, who is ostensibly better at this being “human” thing than him?

American Psycho was this to me, an attempt by another alien (Patrick Bateman) to decipher exactly what the hell is happening in 80’s yuppie corporate NYC. Or as he aptly puts it:

EVELYN  Well, you hate that job anyway. Why don't you just quit? You don't have to work. BATEMAN  Because I...want...to...fit...in. I think he wants to fit in!

Patrick Bateman has decided, unlike Yozo, that he will fit in. He—at least, consciously—believes that he is stronger than everyone around him. Christian Bale does an awesome job monologuing with the emphasis on monotone, dry, and powerful from his ability to seemingly separate himself from the riff-raff around him. This might be why a lot of men (from what I have heard, no citation given in this article) take from this movie that this is the way of a “sigma” male, one who is different from the rest of the pack.

(This is where I would submit my sigma male test score but I couldn’t find the screenshot.)

fear and anxiety

Because of all the (wrong) takes on American Psycho being anti-feminist because of its violence against women, or the idolization of Patrick Bateman because he can cull his competition, you would think Patrick is good at killing people. This is not true in the movie. Patrick Bateman is actually very, very bad at killing people. When he kills Paul Allen, he becomes a total wreck, running through his apartment to come up with some sort of alibi, slamming open closets and desperately packing together a cute little travel set. Not that I would know how to commit a murder, but you would think for someone who considers himself to be in control Patrick would have a better idea on how to proceed with this kind of thing. His answers to Detective Donald Kimball’s questions range from guilty to insane. When Detective Kimball asks him if he knew Paul Allen was missing, Patrick jumps to asking him if the “homicide squad” is deployed on the case.

He even panics out of a murder when Luis Carruthers hits on him because it’s so unexpected, ending with Patrick desperately looking for any reason to just leave (“I’ve gotta… I’ve gotta… return some videotapes.”—as a bonus, he uses this SEVERAL times in the movie to leave uncomfortable situations). He then washes his gloved hands in the bathroom in an attempt to try to return to a “normal” interaction. It’s not pride and power pushing him forward. It’s anxiety!

Like Yozo, Patrick is also afraid. When he lies to Jean that he got a reservation for two at Dorsia (his trigger word apparently), he decides that the only course of action is to kill Jean before they make it to the restaurant. To directly discuss the traditional idea of toxic masculinity (as referenced by the men who want to be Patrick), theory would say that Patrick kills to gain power over women or to flex his masculinity. But his pride isn’t on the line when he tells Jean that he got a reservation to Dorsia. And he’s not trying to be powerful and masculine when he decides that killing Jean is the only solution. His decision is a panicked answer to stay disconnected from Jean at any cost.

Just as Yozo accepts a suicide pact from a woman because he doesn’t know how else to comfort her while avoiding connection to her, Patrick decides with how smoothly he handled Paul Owen’s murder that staging another murder is a get-out-of-jail-free card from the impending doom of having to admit that he actually can’t get a reservation for Dorsia.

And his Dorsia fear manifests in reality as a personal hell when the maître d’ hysterically laughs at him, screeching, when he first calls for a reservation that night at 8:30 for a date with Courtney. The second time he calls he gets a normal response, with the maître d’ telling him that the restaurant is completely booked for the night. But Patrick’s fear response is already baked in from the first interaction he created with his own anxiety.

societal normalcy and self-acceptance

There’s something deeply relatable to the need to try to figure out what is “normal.” Especially, the further you might naturally be from “societal normal,” the harder it is to try to figure out how to get there. At this point, the proverb “be true to yourself” might seem to come into play. But our urge to be normal is because we want to connect to others. We want to not be alone, even if that’s at the cost of suppressing our true selves.

Patrick manages to fit in at the boy’s club at work by performing all of the gestures of the others, at lunch, at Christmas parties. But his true self is completely isolated from his coworkers. He’s someone who is unrecognized as his own person to the point that people mistake his identity for others in the group. His fiance knows nothing about him and doesn’t care to, even when Patrick is trying to tell her that he has homicidal urges. The only reason she’s even getting married to him is because they have the same friends and breaking up “wouldn’t work.” Even Carruthers only hits on him because of the clothing he wears.

But even when you fit in, you want people to understand you. So Patrick tries to connect with people over and over again. But when he does try,  it’s unreciprocated. The only time he can talk about his interest in pop music is with prostitutes he hires for sex—almost as if the sex is just an excuse (which might be why his violence is also focused on them). His jokes constantly fall flat with his peers. His joke about Ed Gein sticking women’s heads on sticks could be inappropriate (and is given the rest of the context of Patrick’s personality), but it’s a very vulnerable moment for Patrick. He is purposefully revealing part of who he is and receives worse than a bad reaction—no reaction. When your friends rebuke you, it’s a decision to reach out and connect out of care. No reaction is the choice to pull away.

And when he finally does meet someone who is genuinely interested in him as who he is and is willing to reach out to him, he is unable to complete the connection. Jean is the only woman in the movie who isn’t willing to mask to just “fit in.” When Patrick takes her out and talks to her in his condo, we can immediately get a sense of who she is because she’s telling the truth. But Patrick takes this vulnerability and tries to push it away from him—thus the attempt to kill her with a nail gun—and fails as his own vulnerability (he’s cheating on his fiancee) is revealed via inopportune phone call (from said fiancee).

Silence. Jean is obviously embarrassed and upset. JEAN  Was that...Evelyn? Silence. JEAN  Are you still seeing her? Silence. JEAN  I'm sorry, I have no right to ask that. Silence. JEAN  Do you want me to go? A long pause. BATEMAN  Yes. I don’t think I can...control myself. JEAN  I know I should go. I know I have a tendency to get  involved with unavailable men, and...I mean, do you  want me to go? Another long pause. BATEMAN  If you stay, I think something bad will happen. I  think I might hurt you.  (Almost hopefully)  You don't want to get hurt, do you? JEAN  No. No, I guess not. I don't want to get bruised.  You're right, I should go.

And at the end of the movie, Jean is the only one who is able to find Patrick’s “true nature” because she is worried about him after he calls her. Patrick doesn’t reveal who he is to her. She’s the one who searches his desk and finds the drawings he has made of his compulsions, of his real or imagined crimes against humanity.

violence

After violence, Patrick responds with desperation and panic. We even see this in Paul Allen’s murder, the one murder Patrick seemed to really enjoy, where Patrick scrambles to come up with something so that he avoids getting caught. Patrick claims to have killed Christie only because “she almost got away.” In the final chase scene, the consequences come for him at an amazing tempo; police cars surround him after the sound of the first shot dissipates into the air, he escapes but is surrounded again and forced into a shoot-off, then is chased down by helicopters.

But that’s ridiculous—it’s totally fantastical. Because these scenes are in Patrick’s view of reality, it suggests that he wants to get caught. Patrick wants to be held accountable because it’s the only way he could imagine others understanding the immense amount of pain he’s in.

Part of our connection to people who really like us for who we are is that they can help us understand when we feel off. We want our pain to be vindicated as something that’s not okay. In times of desperation, we want to be able to reach out to others and hear sympathy, or reassurance that we are right to feel that something is wrong and that we should go get it checked out.

Patrick describes his need to hurt other people as a consequence of being in pain in the first place at the end of the movie. It’s a call for help for someone to notice and get him arrested so he can get fixed. But Patrick is completely alienated. Beyond Jean, nobody else cares about him to bother being concerned. When he tells a woman that he’s into “murders and executions,” she mishears it as “mergers and acquisitions” due to the level of attention she’s giving that conversation. When he leaves a long, rambling confession of all of his murders to his lawyer, his lawyer first mistakes him for someone else, and then laughs it off as a silly joke. Even as Patrick tries to double down and tell him that he was telling the truth, his lawyer takes the reality of the situation (that Patrick is at least delusional, since Paul Allen is alive and kicking) and decides to tell Patrick off for taking the joke “too far.”

In Patrick’s last monologue after his conversation with his lawyer, he “surpasses” having anything in common with the least sympathizable people.

BATEMAN (V.O.) There are no more barriers to cross. All I have in common with  the uncontrollable and the insane, the vicious and the evil,  all the mayhem I have caused and my utter indifference toward  it, I have now surpassed... INT. BATEMAN'S OFFICE - DAY Jean is alone in Bateman's office, looking through his diary.  We see the pages that she is looking at. They are filled with  doodles of mutilated women and their names...Jean looks lost  and frightened, and begins to cry. BATEMAN (V.O.) My pain is constant and sharp and I do not hope for a better  world for anyone. I fact I want my pain to be inflicted on  others. I want no escape. INT. HARRY'S BAR - EARLY EVENING  As the film ends the camera moves CLOSE on Bateman. He is  leaning back in his leather armchair, drinking a double Scotch,  his eyes blank. BATEMAN (V.O.) But even after admitting this, there is no catharsis. I gain no  deeper knowledge about myself, no new knowledge can be extracted  from my telling. There has been no reason for me to tell you any  of this. This confession has meant nothing...

He knows that losing his connection with even the most insane people will mean his internal pain will find no catharsis. Nobody can reach him and soothe his pain. So he inflicts his pain on others, even though it doesn’t help his pain, because it’s better than not doing anything. All he has left are the drawings that Jean has discovered, his last call for help.

Pain will always exist. But connection makes us understand that our pain is human, even our pain seems to come out of us in terrifying ways. In this way, Mary Harron has created a feminist movie by simply letting guys have emotions. The consequence of allowing men to have feelings is that they want to find other people who truly understand them. Patrick and his coworkers simply “fit in” but they don’t belong to each other, to anything at all beyond a sheer facade, a mask that can be put on and peeled off at the end of each day.

Then maybe we can rework toxic masculinity from being a way to have power in social situations to wanting to just “fit in” as a way to get some sort of connection to others, even if the people you hang out with don’t really understand you. But the consequence of this is that these shallow connections don’t fulfill us, and when we undergo pain, it becomes easier to take it out on these people that you don’t even like anyway, or people who aren’t even in your ingroup. When men see Patrick Bateman as a sigma male, is it that they see someone in control? Or is it that they see someone who shows a way to cope with the pain they feel, even if the method is violent and doesn’t even work, but at least it seems cathartic on the movie screen?

[hollowwhisperings]

VLD Retrospective: My POV as a Queer Biracial Asian Aspie

I don't generally enjoy listing my demographics in public spaces but for a Voltron Retrospective, I find it Quite Necessary to better convey how much VLD meant to me personally. This is one fan reconciling with a work I enjoyed for years, remain saddened for, and felt betrayed by. lf I'm good for anything, it's my being a Living Statistical Outlier.

VLD gave me explicit representation within its main cast: it gave me Shiro, who I clocked as chronically ill well before it was confirmed (Like Knows Like) & struggled with mental illness too (I'm not a war vet but Shiro's implicit Medical Trauma was Also There). Shiro is also, very obviously, an Asian &, as later revealed, a Queer Asian. There are few Queer Asians in western media who are Actual Characters: Shiro was (& remains) fun to have on board. It was, primarily, his struggles with his physical & mental health that most resonated with me.

Pidge is someone a lot of fans identified with, being a quirky genderbender maligned for her relative youth: I'm an autistic female who is gender "meh" so Pidge was "Representation" but she wasn't New nor Almost Unprecedented like Shiro or, as I'll elaborate further on, Keith. Every AFAB, every youth has felt undermined by their assumed gender & their youth: this is Not New. Pidge is fun but she wasn't Groundbreaking, not to me.

Keith and, to a lesser degree (as in assocoation with him), the "Half-Galra" Misfits were who I most identified with. Even before Keith was having Existential Crises over being Half-Galra, Keith read as someone biracial: his name, "Keith Kogane", makes him a white-passing Asian . I think current consensus is that Keith's Dad was "Mixed Asian*" but Keith's "orphan" (& secret alien) status prevented him from engaging with his heritage.

I am Not Galran (so far as I know) but I am a white-passing Asian & someone of "Two Worlds" (half white, half east asian). Star Trek's Spock established how most subsequent works of the sci-fi genre depicts half-human aliens: all the vibes of being Biracial, existential crises about Passing & feeling Disconnected ("rejected") by either/both halves of one's identity. Keith checks those boxes and Lotor's Halfsie Squad are similarly Coded (to lesser degrees).

Aliens, half-human ones especially, are very easily read as Neurodivergent as in "has ADHD &/or ASD": Keith continued this tradition & it further isolated him from his peers, especially because (like many of us on The Spectrum) he grew up "Undiagnosed". Keith knew he was Different but no one had the correct Context for his "Difference": this lead him to feeling Wrong, Rejected and Alien. This is an experience Familiar to anyone belatedly recognised as having ASD and also to Literally Any Queer Person.

To summarize the above: Shiro meant A Lot to me because he struggled with his health in silence (& was Asian); Keith meant a lot because his Human Demographics & Coding match almost entirely with my own. Shiro became "more" Important to me through his being Keith's Most Important Person (KH fans: you see where this is going): I was already Attached to Shiro, Keith made me invested in him.

KH fans knew from my invoking of "Taihetsu no Hito" [JP for "Most Important Person"] that, through being Invested in Keith & thus Shiro, I quickly Recognised that Keith? Desperately in love with Shiro. I did not, however, consider Shiro likely to Act on any Reciprocating of such feelings (which he did show signs of developing, as early on as that Stranded From Everyone Else and "when I die, you be Black Paladin" episode) due to the implied age gap between them. I knew Shiro was Younger Than Assumed (very early 20's at oldest, I figured from Contextual Clues), that Lance & Hunk were about 17 & that Keith was Older than Lance (so, 18). The age gap between Shiro & Keith was never that much of an issue: it was their difference in Rank & the ages they were at their First Meeting that were the "real" obstscles, to my mind. Season 6 or 7 did a Flashback that made Keith 14 when he first met Shiro: that very much explains why Shiro was reluctant to acknowledge attraction to Keith & unlikely to act on it. Keith did, however, read as Crushing On Shiro pretty much from their first encounter (Keith stealing Shiro's car was a very obvious effort to gain Shiro's attention & respect: something Keith was unlikely to recognise as Crush Evidence but Shiro definitely did).

And then Shiro lost 3 years to Time Dilation while Keith gained 2: their Reunion post-Space Whale was very telling. For the first time, Sheith actually seemed genuinely plausible to me. Keith had had a Glow Up that allowed Shiro to stop thinking of Keith as the kid he'd been when they first met & actually admit that his excuses to not act on any attraction had stopped holding weight. I remain completely convinced that "Kuron" had fallen, equally & just as desperately, in love with Keith over the series and that the Aggression Kuron exhibited toward Keith was as much caused by That (Gay Pining he refused to act on, even as Keith ran around in his Infamous Blades Uniform) as it was by Haggar (& Kuron's growing suspicions on his "true" nature).

Then there was the "You're my brother... I love you!" scene. Initially, given The Current Events of the time, I was irritated by the Abrupt Brother-Zoning from the Very Obviously Pining Keith to Shiro.

Then I noticed the order of these sentences: first, "you're my brother" (neither Shiro nor Keith have any siblings: in asia, there's MLM equivalent to "they were Roommates" in "they're sword/sworn brothers") and THEN, more desperately and while at the cusp of death... "I love you".

VERY ON BRAND, KEITH. It's also the "I love you" that gets through Kuron's programming enough for Keith to save them both. From my observations of VLD, the sole remaining obstacles to Sheith sailing were "will Shiro retain Kuron's memories and, if so, will he accept Kuron as being another Him" and "will the writers be able to get the execs to sign off on TWO queer paladins being queer with EACH OTHER"?

and then... the love confession was never addressed & Shiro stopped interacting with any of the Paladins beyond a professional setting.

By then, a lot of the show was looking Off and I actually looked at the online Voltron fandom to see if other people were Connecting Dots: some Meddling had happened, Shiro was being OOC as all heck, Allura and Keith seemed pretty miserable, Romelle was Sus as Heck, why was Allurance happening, where the heck is Lotor (etc)....

I was, like everyone else, greatly upset by Allura's needlessly being Killed Off and by Shiro's Stock Photo husband. I was also Not Impressed by the alleged "happiness" found by any of the Paladins: Shiro retiring his greatest dream, of flying and exploring the galaxy when he had just found out he Wasn't Going To Die from his Chronic Illness? Jim Kirk, another charismatic spaceship captain who loved to explore the universe, had a similar "retirement" ending for its Heroic Captain.

The first Star Trek film, set post-series, conveyed exactly how Shiro's "happy" ending played out for a character Shiro was almost certainly inspred by: Captain James "Jim" Tiberius Kirk.

Captain Kirk's "happy ending" was introduced in TMP as being: a promotion/retirement, marriage, & settling on Earth. Sound familiar, Shiro? TMP then shows how that "happy ending" plays out for someone like Jim (or Shiro): barely a handful of years later, Jim is miserable in his "retirement" (he was Promoted to a desk job); his Very Sudden marriage to a Previously Unknown Character is crumbling (& is even implied as being arranged by Starfleet's Brass to keep their Poster Boy on earth!); he clearly misses his Team (his Found Family) & at his first "valid" opportunity to get his Team together to fly into space again? That's exactly what Jim does.

Star Trek: TMP also, incidentally, features Jim living out some kind of Space Divorce Drama with his Right-Hand Man, the Half-Human Alien Spock. The two had apparently spent all those years apart and Spocks's "logical response" to [everything post-TOS] was... becoming a Vulcan Monk in order to Purge All His Emotions. (Krolia, please tell me that the Galra do not have an Equivalent to Vulcan's kolinahr & that, if it DOES, you Forbade Keith From Doing It).

Jim & Kirk saved each other, often very impossibly, in every other episode of TOS. They were also so widely shipped by fans that the "founding" of modern fandom cukture is often attributed to those first K/S shippers.

The easy Parallels between Spock/Kirk to Keith/Shiro were something that seemed to increase as VLD continued, likely as its creative team started recognising how naturally Keith & Shiro played out that epic space romance. The relationship between the Black Paladins was consistently emphasized within the series (until it abruptly Wasn't) and their bond was considered the strongest shared by any two paladins. A Sheith required very little effort from VLD's creative team and, given the Time Dilation plot point, that effort WAS made: Keith shows up Older & Blade-ier, Shiro Visibly Reacts and seems perfectly set up to Reevaluate his relationship with Keith, both of them visibly Adult and already established as "Equals".

Reading the research done by Team Purple Lion helped me understand the many degrees of unpleasantness caused by the Forced Removal of Lotor from VLD's endgame: the series' overall plot, key themes and multiple character arcs were contingent to the ugly consequences of Voltron's [murdering] him, the emotional effects Lotor had on Allura, the ways Lotor was integral to the show's themes of Redemption & Recovery & Love (of all forms). Just about every main character (and the imexplicable presence of several other characters) had their Arc underminded by Lotor's staying [murdered]: Lotor (obvs), Allura (VLD's Actual Main Character), Lance (who suddenly became Every Creepy "Nice" Guy), Pidge, Axca, Romelle, Merla, Yzor & her girlfriend, Honnerva...

I was invested in the plot, characters and themes of VLD: its ending wasn't just upsetting, it was contradictory to its own story. Though I am not invested in any VLD ships other than Sheith (for the way the characters are individually Important to me, the ways Shiro is important to Keith, the ways their relationship parallels K/S down to the syllables), the series had set certain ships up through its Themes and within its plot: Allura/Lotor, a reclamation of Allura's agency & a thematic resolution to the major conflicts of the series; Shiro/Keith, a love story the series spent 7 seasons telling; the tentative beginnings of Lance/Pidge, a Chekhov's Gun that would round their individual character development through better understanding each other; Hunk & Recognition of his Ingenuity, Bravery, Compassion (which would, incidentally, feature Hunk/Shay and Hunk's central role in the intergalactic Recovery proces). All of these ships serve a Purpose within VLD's plot, aid individual character development, reinforce the series' overarching themes, and have a solid basis within the text of VLD (as well as outside of it, in interviews and statements from the creative team).

I was able to "recover" from the betrayal of how VLD ended, largely through the detective work of fans like Team Purple Lion and reading many "fix-fic" wherein Allura Lives and Shiro is not OOC as all heck. VLD was one of many series, at the time, whose Betrayal of its themes & characters made Waves all over Fandom. It was, however, one of the Betrayals that hurt me more "personally". It was also a fantastic example of Creatives having horrid working conditions, Corporate Interests actively Hurting their consumers, of Fans being forced to Play Detective due to the modern Media Landscape: the culture of creatives being under strict NDAs, of their being without Unions, of how abruptly Projects can be undermined by the Whims of singular entities (creating additional work on an already overworked labour force, often in ways that betray their own work).

So, uh, surprise: this was a Retrospective inspired by the current Writers Strike & growing awareness (that we have known & ignored for years) of how unethical the working standards of animators are. There are Actual Americans and Actual Artists who can speak on these issues more specifically, as well as the best ways to help the affected: this was a more individual Take, from One Fan, and the ways that media has affected That Fan emotionally (though, being an Aspie, i'm pretty distanced from articulating any Specifics beyond "upset" because "this is narratively inconsistent"). The purpose of writing this was personal catharsis, a means of discovering how I feel about VLD all these years later, and perhaps as an act of microcosm within a greater fandom macrosm RE: engagement with media & correctly identifying how the faults of its business structure sabotage excellent works of fiction from staying "excellent" or becoming "magnificent".

*"Korean-Japanese" seems to ne the current consensus but as Sourced outside the text of the series. It is not his "exact amounts of Asian" that Keith is "relevant" to me but his being both Mixed & disconnected from his asian Heritage.

[ffxivlucio]

More OOC thoughts lol

(Spoilers for S9 ahead)

Alright, so this will p much be me talking to myself for the sake of getting stuff down, but idk…so I did go ahead with the idea, gave Lúcio a Turalian name, made a pretty poor carrd, etc. People asked about my concept, and brought up that he would be a very good, if not perfect match for Solution Nine. And honestly, they are right. Make him a Tonwawtan that got trapped in the dome, and then grew up in Solution Nine, rising up to stardom through his music, and uniqueness to not wear a regulator. Use that platform to bring awareness to the world outside the dome, and possibly when/if the Arcadion stuff comes to light, be a proponent of getting rid of the souls.

It’s not only smarter, but far safer than the half-baked concepts I went with. I still am struggling to explain his tattoo and the history and workings behind it, not that there’s much of it. One of my greatest joys from roleplaying him in the Overwatch servers, was people recognizing him IC and freaking out over it. Idk why it made me feel so giddy and happy. Though I know I can’t fully bring all of his character through to FFXIV, I’m neglecting quite a big part of his character with the path that I chose, namely that he’s not as well known, and thus, has much less of an influence.

A few reasons I tossed it was the age didn’t line up which is an easy fix, just make him older; I don’t have and don’t remember where to get the glam, though I think it may be a dungeon? I didn’t mean for my main to be a rp character in the first place, he’s just a guy I make in every game I like; and I got too attached to my ideas as I always do. In trying to create less work for myself, because I wasn’t such if I could or wanted to play him off as someone so new to the outside world, I may have ended creating a looot more work for myself instead. I feel like I’ve just lost sight of the character entirely, under my own warped view of him. Not sure if I can recover that at all now. I can certainly try, by introducing him to the dome, but it would take a lot longer for such his fame to accumulate then.

I’ve also just lost a lot of confidence in myself. The reason I made him main Dancer is because despite my world in my head, I cannot play up a Bard as well, nor can I perform as well as he can. I wish I could, it would certainly be fun, but I don’t have the spoons for it, nor the skill. He’s far better than I am at things I wish I was. Gods know why I like him so much…

Maybe I could play two separate characters on one actual character lol, but that feels like it would be insane lmao. The more I think about the way provided for me, the more I kinda feel like I’m kicking myself for not doing it. I wanted him to be a lot more worldly experienced, than what that other idea provided, but…idk lol. I fear I already may be burning out. Not to forget his culture either; I feel like no matter what I do, I’ll be doing a poor job at representing it. It’s an odd feeling that I can’t really explain, maybe guilt for feeling guilty lol. I’m sure there’s more I’m missing but it’s alright. I’m talking just to talk at the void ig. I know I’ve been in a poor mental state, almost erratic in a way. I don’t want to alienate or tick off anyone in the rp community, but gods know that will happen regardless of what I do. Anyway, if you can’t tell, I’m rather tired, hence the word salad. I don’t expect anyone to read this, but if you do, thank you, I suppose.

Lemme link his carrd too, maybe stuff will make more sense.

[iwasjustgoingthere]

Books 2023

1. Lucy by the Sea by Elizabeth Strout

About an older woman who spends the lockdown by the East Coast with her husband and how she feels about the situation. It was interesting to see a different but probably not unusual version of the lockdown. 

2. A Beautifully Foolish Endeavor by Hank Green

Love it. April May and her gang deal with aliens and evil corporations trying to take over, plus the blind-blowing tech of (spoilers) being able to experience other people’s experiences. 

3. Before You Knew My Name by Jacqueline Bublitz

An 18yo girl is murdered in NYC and a mid-30s Australian woman finds her body, and then they’re connected until the murder is solved. It didn’t grip me but it picked up a bit towards the end and I got through it. 

4. The Anatomy of Ghosts by Andrew Taylor

A man is called to historical Jerusalem college to solve the matter of a young man’s insanity. It’s a sort of murder mystery, not bad but it was confusing to keep all the British last names apart and the ending was anticlimactic to me. 

5. Steinfrucht by Lee Lai

A graphic novel about two women, their fraught connection to each other, their families, and in particular the niece of one of them. The characters turn into sort of monsters when they feel happy and free. 

6. Waste Tide by Chen Qiufan

Originally in Chinese, it’s about a polluted community in the semi-near future and the strife between different actors, including the “waste people” i.e. migrant recycling workers, and the natives. One of the migrants, Mimi, becomes central to the struggle. This book has been a lot slower than I expected.

7. Les Ananas de Colère by Cathon

An adorable funny graphic novel about solving a murder mystery in a Hawaiian-themed town. 

8. Die Letzten Ihrer Art (Przewalski's horse) by Maja Lunde

So good! I cried at the end!

9. Tomorrow, and Tomorrow, and Tomorrow by Gabrielle Zevin

About some young people who make a very popular video game, following their lives over a few decades. I thought this would be more of a sci-fi adventure but it was very much about interpersonal relationships and personal development. I was engrossed nonetheless. I like Gabrielle Zevin.

10. Wedding Night by Sophie Kinsella 

Sophie Kinsella’s books are all so much fun. I liked this one too. It’s not even all that simplistic! 

11. Finding Audrey by Sophie Kinsella

Audrey is a teenager who is recovering from severe depression and anxiety at home while interaction with her family and a new guest. It was more serious than her usual books and still really good! She did a great job writing in a (slightly) different genre. 

12. Colorless Tsukuru Tazaki by Haruki Murakami

A man goes to find out why his group of friends cut him off after high school. Book was fine, my expectations were low, I read it because Sam was listening to it. 

13. Die Wand by Marlen Haushofer

A girl I matched with on Hinge was like “oh I really like Die Mauer” and I went wait I think I have that but the book I had was Die Wand. I told her that and she was like “oh that one was really good!” I didn’t hear from her again but I did read Die Wand, which was more readable than expected and on the shelf of books I didn’t think I’d ever get around to, so that’s cool. It’s also shifted me to more mindful of like, “what is there to be done?” rather than trying to escape reality all the time. 

14. A Love Story for Bewildered Girls by Emma Morgan

Three women: two roommates, one outgoing and determined and one depressed/anxious/shy, and one lesbian therapist, whose (love) lives all vaguely intersect. I liked it more than expected. 

15. Just Might Work by Katia Rose

Two people are roommates: Dane (nb) and Evangeline, they have to fake date to convince Dane’s aunt to let them keep their house and obviously fall for each other. Really nice book.

16. Into Thin Air by Jon Krakauer

Nonfiction about deaths on Everest in 1996. It was intense. My mom knew one of the guides, so that was interesting aspect too. 

17. Dyscalculia: A Love Story of Epic Micalculation by Camonghne Felix

Too much of a slam poem to be my thing. 

18. True Biz by Sara Nović

Yes!! A novel about deaf culture centering around a school for the deaf, the three main characters are the headmistress of the school, a boy who’s family takes pride in being deaf for several generations, and a girl with a faulty cochlear implant who is just learning ASL and deaf culture after finally starting at the deaf school. I learned a lot and thoroughly enjoyed it. 

19. The Love and Lies of Rukhsana Ali by Sabina Khan

Bengali high-school lesbian Rukhsana gets caught by her conservative parents and they take her to Bangladesh. Rukhsana navigates the expectations of everyone in her life and learns to embrace all that makes her who she is. I think it was a bit tell-not-show and idealistic at the end but a good book.  

20. Really Good, Actually by Monica Heisey

About a young woman who’s getting a divorce and how she deals with it. Nice to read in the sense of “well, I am doing a bit better than that!” :P

21. Party Crasher by Sophie Kinsella 

A woman loves her family and their house but then the family crumbles and the house is being sold and she has to secretly crash the house cooling party to retrieve something because she’s not dealing with it well. 

21.  Astrologie by Liv Stromquist

I don’t like astrology. My aunt gave me this. I read it anyway. 

22. Der Hausmann by Wlada Kolosowa

I couldn’t relate to any of the characters but I did like the book overall. 

23. Mostly Dead Things by Kristen Arnett

Not as funny as hoped, but interesting: a woman is a taxidermist, her dad killed himself, she used to be lovers with her brother’s wife before the latter ran away, and now she’s trying to cope as her mother turns to displaying the taxidermy in sexual scenes. 

24. Faster by Neal Bascomb 

Nonfiction - about car racing before WW2, and an American woman who funded a team where a Jewish driver beat the Nazi cars. 

25. Yellowface by R.F. Kuang

Ambiguity of authorship, race, and the publishing system. I did finish reading the last few chapters in one go because it spooked me. 

26. We Should all be Feminists by Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie 

Written version of a TED Talk. Good. 

27. The Guide by Peter Heller

This is a love language to fishing and not a thriller. Seriously. Worst book I’ve read (listened to) in a long time. 

28. Vera Wong’s Unsolicited Advice for Murderers by Jesse Q. Sutanto

Loved it, has a similar feeling as Anxious People. 

29. Laurus by Eugene Vodolazkin

One of my Russian guy’s favorite books so I read it too - he said “for me it perfectly captures the essence of Russian culture/history/life with all of its paradoxes. Like combination or severe cruelty and great mercy, like the struggle of logical mind and spiritual experience.” I didn’t really get the book while I was reading it (though it was interesting enough) but that makes sense

30. Weretog and the Whole Heartless Thing by Prophecion (Michael Krum)

My 2023 new year’s resolution was to read this book and I did 

[batsplat]

okay keeping up this policy but just as an addendum - there was a piece published yesterday that's relevant to this post that I wanted to share, plus one or two minor thoughts

so. after yesterday I definitively lost my patience and vowed to myself I'd do some proper stats on this error rate business in the off-season with all the relevant data we actually have at our disposal. like, I don't want to be annoying about this I promise you, but it just feels so obvious to me that a combination of 1) sprint races, 2) year-by-year increase in crash totals, and 3 poor memory of past seasons (or indeed not having watched older seasons) is completely fucking with people's perceptions of how frequently the current title contenders are fucking up. it's maybe beginning to bother me. just a touch. who can say

anyway, our friends at motomatters in the saturday subscriber notes did do a wee bit of stats! which we'll get to in just one second - but just wanted to quickly discuss some other related stuff. given that pecco was actually talking about the championship of mistakes yesterday... well, obviously it's interesting to get the thoughts from the guys affected about why that's the vibe of this current title fight. he offered an explanation relevant to reason (2) for the current narrative, specifically why race crashes are so common right now:

incidentally, this is obviously part of why pecco was so keen on that front tyre that was going to fix racing next year but won't because nobody could be bothered to actually test it. that's the one he was finding impossible to crash in testing, the one that he said sounded like how valentino described the infamously good bridgestone front. (incidentally incidentally, this is a super niche casey comparison - but casey in his troubled rookie season actually struggled primarily with the michelin front himself, with all five of his race crashes in 2006 coming from losing the front. he switches to bridgestone and voila, no more race crashes for one and a half seasons!! obviously there's other reasons too, but just as a quick friendly reminder that even aliens are beholden to the 'laws of physics'.) from how often bagnaia's prowess with the front tyre gets described, it does feel like it'd stand to reason that a mismatch between front and rear tyre would disproportionately affect his riding style (from here, late 2023, whole thing is very interesting):

the tyre performance mismatch isn't something that pecco is making up, it plays into why the racing right now is so shit (cf the tyre pressure situation). it's also not the first time some version of this theory has gotten air time, see this oxley piece from august. a few excerpts:

again, really impressive rear tyre, more than anyone expected. but because it's become so good, it's paradoxically just providing so much performance that it's making it easier to crash by essentially outperforming the front tyre. the piece also goes into a bit more detail into what that entails:

also this bit, in light of bastianini's crash today right after setting the fastest lap, sounds rather prescient:

anyway, look, I'd recommend reading the whole piece for more information. and you also have marc providing a related explanation by comparing the races now to those five years ago:

'pushing all the laps' would feel particularly pertinent for sprints, wouldn't it

but to get to the reason why I cracked and wrote this addendum is the saturday motomatters column. it's behind a paywall that you can access for four euros on patreon - and I'm not going to share the whole thing here; I'm very much a believer in paying journalists for their work and the subscription is good value for money. I will share just a couple of screenshots because emmett did discuss these same basic points in the wednesday edition of the paddock pass podcast, so I might as well just be transcribing that. but the point being made is that sprints are skewing perceptions, and when you actually look at the percentage of potential points these guys are scoring, it's bang on what you'd expect:

like the basic issue is. it's double the number of races!! what do you expect!! and yes it's half distance, but you're generally giving them softer tyres and making them go through what are typically the most error-filled parts of races. free your minds and ignore the little numbers: this is not a crazy error rate for title contenders. it just isn't

if you guys think this is bad, I would hate to see what you would've said about prime casey binning it while leading in two consecutive races in the midst of a close title fight, immediately after he'd already crashed in a race while in second place. not even the bridgestone front could save him there... at least these guys usually give it a rest between races

now look, I do want to run a few more stats on this - like more systematically comparing dnf rates across all starts by year, comparing like for like by championship position, looking at the overall increase in crash rate where numbers are available, maybe even categorising the dnf's (and non-dnf crashes) for the title contenders by culpability... and so on. but that's for the off-season. I don't actually want to be doing endless prop for these guys, it's just pushing back against an extremely tired narrative that at this point feels neither useful or accurate. it's all confirmation bias: people don't think the right riders have the best bikes, so they're inclined to be ungenerous about the performances of said riders. and, look, I agree that this current status quo of some of the best riders being locked out of riding competitive bikes is unusual in the modern version of the sport - ironically probably the closest we've gotten is stoner/rossi 2010-12 ducati, and there's a great deal more agency in that situation than this current lot has been afforded. there's still some historical revisionism going on about the state of competition in those halcyon days; the general complaint stands nevertheless. but. BUT!! regardless of the problems with single manufacturer dominance, 1) that doesn't mean that the riders actually on those bikes are all fraudulent, and more importantly 2) EVEN IF THEY ARE, this error rate thing would STILL be an unfair narrative!! maybe they suck and aren't getting enough out of this machinery - that still doesn't mean this endless talk about the pair of them being mentally fragile because of all the crashes is an accurate description of what's actually happening! which isn't to say that there isn't a psychological dimension to the errors in this title fight... but. look. I can feel in my bones that if I delve into sports psychology, I will go on a tangent this addendum cannot recover from

so just the sparknotes version: yes, obviously, crashes do have a psychological dimension, often they are a response to pressure of some kind or result from a lapse of concentration or whatever - but that does not mean all of this other stuff isn't true: that riders aren't currently walking a finer tightrope than in times past, that sprints aren't skewing perception. let's provide a very basic analogy here to get across what I mean. say you hand me a tennis ball and ask me to throw it into a basket that's standing three metres away 10 times in a row. now say you tell me to throw the ball into a basket that's standing six metres away 15 times in a row. obviously, I'm more likely to make mistakes in the second scenario, because the task is tougher and I have more chances to fuck it up. now say you point a gun at my head and tell me that if I miss more than twice, you will shoot me. depending on how my brain works, this added pressure may make me better at throwing the balls or worse: it might finally give me the focus I need or terrify me to the point of near-paralysis. but the thing is, it's going to have more of an impact on my performance in the second scenario where the task is harder - because the margin of error is smaller, so any performance-affecting variable like mentality will have an outsized effect. if my hand is slightly shaky as a result of the gun pointed to my head and the fact that I've already missed twice, it might make my aim just a little off-kilter: perhaps enough to miss the basket in scenario 2 but not scenario 1. but if the me from scenario 1 walked through a portal into a parallel universe to see the me from scenario 2 lying dead on the ground, it wouldn't be particularly fair for 1!me to assume 2!me was just a fraudulent choker. maybe I'm just not that accurate at throwing beyond a five metre radius at the best of times

in conclusion: yes, their brains obviously do affect their performance though a lot of discussion of sports psychology is also deeply unsophisticated and sometimes what people call 'mental weakness' is really just intrinsic factors that mean competitors are operating with a smaller margin of error and sometimes they indeed may be bottling it - but also this whole narrative is just making it way too easy for everyone to write off guys they were already inclined to write off anyway. this current formula of the sport has several characteristics that just make a higher quantity of errors more likely. can't think of a non-rude way to end this post so I'll just leave it there, do what you please

breaking a blog policy of non-engagement with active discourse unless explicitly asked about it,, below the cut,, I intend this to be a one-off thing, look away

seen some snarking about this article on the race dot com about where marc fits into the current title fight, and specifically this paragraph:

because ofc it's some kind of grievous sin to equate the current two title contenders with the two title contenders in 2015, one of whomst was well past his prime and the other who in many ways had a deeply untidy season. the argument might be that the current spec ducati has a bike advantage over marc, which. you'll never guess how the 2015 yamaha measured up against the 2015 honda. and yeah, it sure is embarrassing how the current title contenders chuck away bucket loads of points through sheer stupidity. after all, when racing in the wet in misano, it's unforgivable to pit at the wrong time and emerge with only one point - why not simply crash and emerge from that weekend with zero points instead? imagine finishing second behind marc in those conditions, when you could instead swap bikes far too late and finish a lowly fifth

it's worth putting that paragraph in context of what the piece was actually saying:

all of this is categorically true. it doesn't mean marc might not still win this year's championship if both jorge and pecco make enough mistakes, but quite obviously those two are closer to the 2015 title contenders than 2017. in the former, marc could not bank on a consistent pace advantage, in the latter he could; this feels like quite a straightforward point to be making. dovi's phillip island stinker did kill his championship momentum - and given the sheer consistency of performances jorge and pecco have put in when it comes to their pace, it would be very surprising to see an equivalent from those two. don't even get me started on whatever the fuck maverick vinales was doing that year after like,, the first five races, which lack of a dominant bike is quite frankly not enough to excuse. the rest of the article assesses marc's chances entirely fairly, essentially expanding on the argument that you just wouldn't expect that kind of consistent performance edge that he would need to overturn the points deficit. (I personally think marc is a little more likely to be a title threat than the author of the article does, though I also don't fundamentally disagree with anything specific being said; mainly I just feel vibes-wise that sprint races have made title fights insanely volatile.) he could still win - but in terms of how he compares to the opposition, there is no argument whatsoever to be made that this is not closer to 2015 than 2017. even if you believe this is only due to bike difference, in which case I think you are possibly giving 2017 dovi and vinales a little too much credit, the points raised in the article still stand up to scrutiny

it is perhaps inevitable that people will deify the greats of the past - even more so if they dislike the top riders of the present and feel that they are undeserving of their current success. it does, however, seem to come along with a skewed understanding of the actual greats in question, of where they were strong and where they faltered. valentino and lorenzo had two title fights, both of which were error-strewn affairs and hardly their best seasons. sprints have helped further distort perceptions of how error-prone these current riders really are, because at the end of the day neither martin nor pecco are on course for a radically different error rate than the title contenders in 2009. lorenzo lost his head in jerez when he was the pre-race favourite and ended up crashing trying to overcompensate for his surprisingly poor pace, valentino had an absolute howler at le mans that makes misano this year from martin look like a paragon of good decision-making and composure under pressure, jorge practically handed the championship to valentino with back-to-back dnf's at donington and brno, valentino incidentally also crashed at donington and got extremely lucky to have a bike that was still rideable to fifth, then proceeded to just chuck it for absolutely no reason at indy with a mistake that was so obviously stupid and needless he showed up to misano with a donkey helmet. valentino followed up misano with a poor fourth in estoril because he got lost with the set-up that weekend - and buddy, if you think the gp24 bike advantage is bad, let me tell you a story about how yamaha/ducati/honda were doing back in the day compared to the field. fourth might as well have been last. (I don't love single manufacturer domination either, but let's not pretend like the gaps between bikes aren't way, way, way smaller than they were in '09.) then jorge, with momentum and opportunity on his side, gets so spooked by valentino's pace in practise he bins it on the very first lap of phillip island, essentially ending the championship fight then and there. neither of them deliver a particularly dignified performance in sepang. during this title fight, there were three instances of crashing out of the lead and one from a very close second. jorge martin and pecco bagnaia eat your hearts out

and 2015? the season that was actually being referenced in the championship? valentino was only in that championship fight due to his relentless consistency, a handful of starring performances and an ability to not completely fuck it when a few rain drops started falling. his pace was flat-out not good enough to be a title contender - if anything, on raw pace he was more competitive for a big chunk of 2016 than he had been the year before. he was qualifying abysmally in an era where the gaps between bikes were considerably larger, reflecting a far poorer performance than equivalent grid positions would nowadays, and certainly would have nothing to counter the consistency in qualifying the two title contenders this year have demonstrated. jorge had to work hard to come as close to losing that championship as he did, going through a bizarre and borderline embarrassing set of helmet visor issues early on in the season that he should never have allowed to happen. he was peak metronome that year, able to dominate and win from the front but otherwise rife with limitations, repeatedly performing poorly when he was put ever so slightly off-balance. in many ways, he got very lucky to not be penalised more for his horrendous silverstone performance. he was also helped by the gap between the factory yamahas and hondas to the field being so large, because otherwise some of his inconsistency would have cost him a hell of a lot more. both of their seasons had laughably obvious flaws that just about managed to offset each other's enough to make a title decider possible - but if you ever so slightly change the formula, if the qualifying format had still been different or the bike disparities larger or smaller or any of that, it would have probably tipped it quite strongly one way or the other. a battle of the titans it was not

none of this is to say that valentino or jorge are shit riders, or that marc is a fraud for letting himself be so thoroughly beaten by them in 2015 on what was ultimately still a competitive bike. at a certain point, however, you are comparing the current athletes with versions of the past greats who quite frankly did not exist 90% of the time. if you are sufficiently motivated, you can come up with pretty decent slander for anyone. it is also presenting an idealised version of the sport in the past that, again, did not exist. while the gp24's advantage over the field is substantial, if we are talking in terms of raw lap times, it is substantially less so than the gap the top few factory teams had in the past. the aliens did not dominate from 2007 to 2015 to the extent that they did because they were just so brilliant - they were performing at a high level, yes, but also nobody else really stood a chance. as hard as it may be to accept, when you have riders who so consistently have a pace advantage as pecco and martin do, including over the fellow riders on the same machinery, it is possible they may simply be doing an actual good job. and the more pecco adds to his resume, the more difficult it will become to not consider him in the same tier of rider as at least some of the aliens. yes, I am talking about lorenzo here - a man who incidentally did not convincingly pass the 'only good with one manufacturer' test that's already being dangled in front of pecco. if we really want to go into the weeds, it's worth pointing out that pecco's luck has also not been particularly fantastic this year, from mechanical gremlins at the le mans sprint to being wiped out by binder at the jerez sprint to the qualifying position at aragon working against him and losing out quite severely in what are at worst 60:40 racing incidents twice this season - sometimes, you do get punished a lot for relatively minor missteps. so yeah, if you want to compare the current trio of title contenders with anyone, then 2015 feels as good a place as any. sometimes the greats of the past did suck, idk what to tell you. they would be a hell of a lot more boring if they hadn't

[brainspikemethod]

one of my biggest issues is that my severe alienation as a kid (i had no friends, the ones i did manage to make when i got a little older were shitty to me or not very close) led me deficient in social skills and ability to read people. my area was not safe for someone like me to be out and about in the first place. this has led to significant anxiety: i dont feel good to go out into the world and do things on my own. as a result, i lack a lot of worldly experience, so i fear people kind of view me as a massive loser.

my independence was not very well encouraged in my household either. my mother still does my 16 year old brother’s laundry for him.

this struggle to actualize myself becomes more grueling when i realize how developmentally far behind i am to a lot of people my age. so if anyone wants to invite me out for a beer or something, dont hesitiate lmfao