#it's DEAN who can't label what he feels for cas

[shallowseeker]

So, the lantern and the bottle are standing strong despite the storm.

Cas visually occupies the empty chair and protects Dean, who is on the side with the new growth, the fireplace hearth, and the drinks.

But also... what lovely cinema...

Here for example, we see the image of Dean and the hearth again, smoke swirling and a kitchen on fire.

And later...

Cas is devastated by Raphael's words, but Dean decides to lend support and encourage him anyway; tells him to go and look for his father!

And Cas rightfully worries about leaving Dean without the support of his family, his brother.

Dean isn't good exactly, but suddenly, there's something so soft in his gaze.

He confides in Cas about the stresses that come with worrying over Sam's addiction and bad decisions. It's something Cas understands, what with Raphael pledging to start the Apocalypse and revealing that "he wants it all to be over/wants to die."

Cas has a spiraling brother (Raphael), and Dean has a spiraling brother (Sam).

But Dean looks so soft here as they commiserate!

Conjecture//// I think, even if he's not aware of it, Dean's enormously relieved that Cas made it through this whole Raphael thing alive.

A joke slips out again, like it's covering up more of Dean's strong emotions.

Note how the color palette and shadows darken here, like it's pointing to a shroud of mystery that Dean can't quite understand or navigate properly yet.

It darkens as Dean ponders why he was having so much fun.

And yes, on the one hand, it's about the objectively heavy weights of our familial obligations, and how our attachments take work (especially when you're smack-dab in the middle of a fantasy-urban horror genre show).

But it's also the mystery of Dean's feelings...

Dean's locating his happiness in the lack of familial obligations, but is he correct in his analysis of himself at this point?

One wonders...

Or maybe there's something else in the mix now, something as scary as it is effervescent? Something that makes even the burnt-out hearth feel lit, something that makes a squatter house feel like A Home.

///

CORRECTION: There are a few lit lanterns sprinkled around the house. THe motif stands, though. <3

DEAN: *is all watery-eyed and weird when cas dies the first time*

CAS: *returns and is very, very Cranky (TM) and yelling at everyone*

Instead of being happy, relieved, or appreciative of one another's fighting spirit outright, they fall into a pattern of fighting and banter. They're full of fear, fatalism, and their own discordant Hail-Mary-style ideas.

And they disagree with each other. Their fear, in general, manifests in being short with one another and hilariously calling each other's plans stupid.

They're very immature and ill-equipped to handle caring about each other, basically. It's kinda cute.

They could say "thank you," or "I'm glad you're okay." Instead? Cas flies out of the gate, bossily laying into them about needing to be more careful. Later, he arrives at the hospital and calls the plan of fighting Lucifer stupid.

When Dean responds that Cas's plan is even stupider, Cas tells Dean that he wasn't worth rebelling for at all because he's a failure and should shut the Hell up.

Glorious.

There's so much Weird tension getting in the way of what should be a renewed brother-in-arms-friendship. It should be simple, a hearty hug between friends, some thuds on the back—you know, a simple "we made it, brother!" style of camaraderie.

Instead, they're weird about it.

///

And while Dean is usuallyweird (he's a weird, word-vomitey guy at heart), he's being epically weird in 5x03.

I'd say he's being even weirder than Cas is at times, and not just about his nervousness surrounding personal space.

It's everything.

It's even played for laughs a little bit. Cas says a lot of weird shit to the cop, and then somehow gains the cop's trust anyway.

Right after this, the cop calls Dean out, but not Cas.

"Uh, no, Kolchak."

In the end, Cas winds up having the advantage in this bizarre exchange. In a surprise twist, the officer has responded better to Cas's frank honesty than to Dean's sarcasm and indirectness.

///

But anyway, it's no wonder Dean's being odd. Man's Hella stressed.

Per the conversation with Sam at the end of 5x01, Dean is barely hanging in there. "He's trying." But he's also feeling the weight of his own fatalism. "I'll fight, but we haven't got a snowball's chance in Hell of winning."

And I personally think he's still anxious post-Cas's first death.

That's a frightening thing to contend with, that one of your strongest, "seemingly invincible" Superman allies can die. It rocks the tenuous stability beneath your feet, so to speak.

Here's the strangest thing: Cas asks Dean to go on a mission with him. But even after Cas straight-up tells Dean no angel would dare harm him, Dean assumes that they're both going to die anyway.

...

I think this speaks to Dean's issues focusing. His anxiety must be through the roof, because he's usually so good at hanging on to details like that.

There's also his guilt surrounding Cas facing Raphael alone the first time. And it's coming out this way.

This time, he's automatically cast himself in the role of being there alongside Cas, dying alongside him.

It's not until later that his denial falls away and the truth catches up to him, that Cas means to die alone:

Cas repeats himself, that the archangel wouldn't dare harm Dean:

This is not a revelation.

Cas told him as such right off the bat. But like in the scene with Chuck, Dean's brain prefers to dive straight into denial.

It's interesting for a character like Dean. He's VERY used to losing people, but with Cas, there's a creeping denial and disappointment clouding the whole thing.

There's probably already a crush there... it's coming out in watery eyes and hilarious ADHD-word vomit (Thelma-Louise, fussing about personal space and then getting into his personal space, Bert-n-Ernie-are-gay, last night on earth) because Dean doesn't know what to do with it.

He doesn't know how to handle the confusing mix of feelings. He had a lot of them when Cas died the first time. Now, where can that energy even go?

The face journey he goes on as he realizes Cas is expecting to die... again.

It's a little sad, tbh.

///

And then later, when they face off against Raphael, facing him together as Raphael enters "their" kitchen, Dean's fears all come out as jokes and banter again.

It's his preferred defense mechanism against strong emotions. He's worried, but he can't show it.

///

Another thing.

I think it's neat that they're squatting in this cute, dilapidated house.

Raphael appears in a kitchen, recreating the circumstances of Cas's first death in Chuck's kitchen.

Some other cute details about the house they're chosen. Dean has his usual cooler, but here he's put it near the hearth of the home, one of his motifs. He acts as bait, drawing Raphael nearer while Cas moves to attack him.

But the specter of the hearth is still meaningful.

And while Dean distracts Raphael, they lure him deeper into the home, a space they're controlling together.

And still, they banter. Cause they're immature and adorable.

DEAN: "Don't look at me it was his idea."

Aside// The lantern and the beer bottles.

Here, we get another glimpse of their symbols. For Cas, it's this dark lantern on the table; it's been on the table "with him"on his side" since the very beginning of squatting in this house.

It symbolizes both Cas himself and this concept of Dean waiting for him. "Where have you been?"

The fact that this lantern is OUT is a callback to Cas's death, and a nod to his current fatalism.

///

Actually, the house they're squatting in IS pretty cute. The table they sit at together is cute. Here we have the two of them, mutually aching over their absent fathers... and reeling over the painful, complicated brokenness and betrayals with their respective brothers (Raphael, Sam).

The inside of this house is "dead and dusty," but there's new growth just peeking into the window. Greenness. Renewal.

This living room, where they're spending time together, also contains important Dean-Cas symbols: empty chairs, lanterns, and an unlit hearth.

While the two of them are trying desperately to fix their respective families, they're automatically carving out their own living space together, instinctually, almost without knowing or trying.

It's also funny that we see some of the strife that will color their relationship. It looks like Dean wound up doing a lot of waiting around, and he's irritated about it.

Note the prominently lit empty Cas-chair. While Cas runs off to do his suicidal Heaven errands, Dean waits up for him in a room with a hearth and a conspicuously placed lantern.

Cas appears in front of the stairs. Later, these stairs will be prominently lit by the only lit lantern in the entire house.

///

Here we go. Dean and Cas return to face off against Raphael in the house they've come to bond in—in a home they control. Now, the stairs are highlighted by a homey, welcoming light.

It's the only lantern on.

It leads upstairs to the bedroom, or it's a nod to "Heaven" if you prefer that reading.

But it seems to me that this light is conspicuous like, despite the storm and the power outage, these two are carrying a secret torch for each other, a nascent longing to cobble a life together.

Raphael's pyrotechnics are exploding all the lights except this one, after all. Perhaps the lighted stairs represent them as a Heaven-Earth unit, Heaven + home, the one who guards the door + and the one who lights the hearth:

///

And goodness, some of these images are lovely.

Raphael breaks the window, letting the storm into the little nook they'd carved for themselves.

The lantern and the beer bottle.

That's their table!

It's funny. It's almost like they instinctively gravitate to trying to fix/rebuild a home when they're together. They naturally want to fall into this weird... rhythm of life.

It's maybe a bit spooky for them, it maybe unnerves them, and they don't know what to do with that. They've both got so much baggage with their respective families that they mostly try to ignore it, and they get pissy and short with each other as a result of ignoring it and circling this...

...confusing thing.

[nym-wibbly]

You think endverse Cas was really human? I mean was he a reliable narrator in that script or doing this whole performance to hide himself in plain sight while being more than human less than angel?

Good question! I didn't come away from that ep believing he was fully human, personally - his ability to both instantly spot time-travel!Dean and effortlessly identify what must've happened to him speaks to that. His senses aren't fully human, maybe - at the very least, he retains a mind free from the confabulation and confusion that humans can't avoid when perceiving the world. He sees - and trusts - exactly what's actually there in front of him when the 'wrong' Dean walks in. No hesitation or bewilderment because his brain's telling him two different things - just a few pertinent followup questions to get the context of Dean's time travelling. He still has the uncomplicated, uncomfortable clarity and directness of angel!Cas.

It says a lot that this timeline's Cas describes being human as a step down. Endverse!Cas equates his relative lack of power with becoming human, but losing his angel powers isn't enough to leave him fully human, I don't think. Mortal, maybe, and functionally diminished as a warrior, but not human. It's like he's using it as a catchall word for his fall from grace, and as a derogatory label for his own limited capacity to make a difference in their fight. I don't think he thinks less of humanity than he did before, but he thinks a lot less of himself. Not because he's human, or humanlike, but because he's failed.

I'd suggest that Endverse!Cas's ability to function as an ally who Dean can tolerate (or even allow to live) means that he's less affected by the substance abuse than a human would be. I can't see that version of Dean tolerating any liability in his ranks, let alone in the leadership tier. Maybe Cas walks a thin line with it, always a misstep away from Dean having to take decisive action about him, but he seemed ultra-competent, and trusted, for a guy mixing uppers, downers, and probably sideways-ers, with apocalyptic stress levels and the loss of his very identity.

I do think hiding in plain sight could be a really big part of what we saw from Endverse!Cas. Hiding from himself as much as anything else. Hiding what? Despair, I think. We see hints of that same bitterness and acting-out in regular Cas later in S5, when he thinks that Dean's about to surrender to Michael; that his faith has been (once again) misplaced and the fight is lost. Cas needs something to believe in and fight for because that's how he's made. He takes failure very hard and very personally. There's something defensive about Endverse!Cas, prickly and difficult, even when he's smiling and appears body-comfortable. That easy geniality vibrates with an edge of, "Just try me", like a neon warning sign. I doubt anyone but Dean ever gets the opportunity to see past it.

The End is such a brilliant script, such a well-made episode that it feels like a complete 'verse, but there are so many unanswered questions about how the characters ended up where that story found them. It's a headcanon and fanfiction goldmine because it's so sparing, and I love it. (But I'd just about kill for a Camp Chitaqua or Sam-as-Lucifer spinoff serial to tell me much, much more about it.)

[vendettasfanfictioning]

I need more fics framing The Rupture as something necessary for destiel—it hurt like a fucking bitch, sure, and it was a low blow for Dean to hit Cas exactly where he knows Cas hurt most (in being the problem or a burden), but also. Looking at it from Dean's perspective, it really did feel like a move that old, early-seasons Cas would do; withheld information, acted on his own, took risks that could cost others.

And when it all piled up? From Jack's soulless behaviors directly killing Mary, to the deal with Belphegor in hell costing them Rowena. Again, hard agree that it was one of the most painful lines dropped in the show (especially so if you remember that this is post-Empty deal), but context guys, context.

Plus, I believe this separation wasn't only long-time coming but also a pretty important addition because what is destiel if not a pair of stubborn idiots who can't communicate. That's not to say an argument is necessary to talk (it can be, in certain situations, sure) but they've been on different pages since Cas came back in S13.

The center of their disagreement seemed to mostly lie in their belief in Jack. I can't remember a time they really sat down and smoothed things out so much as they avoided talking about what happened during the Widower arc altogether, and that's when the wound really began to fester. (It didn't help that they had to deal with so many problems all at once; the Brits, Asmodeus, Apocalypse World, Lucifer, then AU Michael...)

Here is what we know that Cas believed (from the canon narrative): Jack formed a bond with Cas, even before he was born he somehow showed Cas a possible future; paradise. It's the same power, perhaps a protection mechanism with nephilim seeing as God labeled them as Abominations, that turned Kelly as well. What we know Cas saw (from the deleted scene/script): Cas' paradise consisted of everyone he loved, his family, being safe. This included Sam, Kelly, and Dean on a beach, with more focus on Dean as he tells Cas, "thank you."

From what we could see that Cas did not, Dean had enough resentment against Jack that wasn't going to magically go away overnight. Jack hadn't formed the same bond with Dean that he did with Cas.

What happened before Jack was born: Heaven and Hell both sought out Jack for their respective goals, an innocent woman was going to die from the sheer magnitude of giving birth to a Nephilim, and Cas left by what Dean assumed was delusions and manipulations. What happened when Jack was born: Mary fell into a portal to a different universe—a rift that only opened due to the anomaly and power of Jack's existence—Kelly died, and Cas got stabbed right in front of him.

And this isn't to discredit Dean's love for Jack, when he did allow himself to love him or see him as family, but you can love someone and still resent them or feel bad about them. Moreso during extreme circumstances, however unfair or illogical it may be. Again, did they ever really talk? Maybe my memory is failing me but I'm pretty certain they didn't, or at least never in great detail, or came to an agreement about it.

Dean and Cas... just had so much dirty laundry and Rupture made sure they aired it all out. But I think we, as a society, would benefit greatly from not framing Dean as the big bad villain here or Cas as some poor innocent bean. Supernatural's theme was never about brotherhood or family, it's about how shit could have been so much easier if they just communicated.

[aliasl]

and i'm going to rope bobby into this because everybody loves bobby and he's such a good dad......... but he is EXACTLY all the things you criticize dean for. bobby is angry (you wouldn't describe him as nice), bobby yells, bobby throws insults around, bobby asks how other people are feeling and then proceeds to give the advice of "now, bottle that shit up," and when you finally break through his exterior to get him to talk about his own feelings, he might spout something "abusive" like "i'm exhausted from helping YOU". but does that make bobby abusive?? i'd say not.

because the thing is supernatural is a show about men who often HAVE TO suppress their feelings in order to get the job done/ save the world, and even the most "enlightened" of them (sam) exhibit toxic masculinity traits of reflexively disparaging each other, being quick to act violently, suppressing "feminine" emotions like genuine compassion, avoiding casual intimacy (like hugs, which are reserved for if someone is dying), having a conditioned anger response rather than show fear - and the whole show is a journey of why they are the way they are and how they change

nobody is perfect here, and nobody is completely unforgivable.

abuse is purposeful, like john winchester, who had a history of neglecting and mistreating his sons - was confronted about it - and never changed his ways. he was abusive on purpose, in an effort to turn his sons into what he wanted: obedient soldiers

just to zero back in on dean: if he exhibits abusive traits, it's not on purpose, and you know that because he wants his family to be happy - he's willing to die for that. but he IS trapped in abusive cycles, and it's not because "he's poison" or incapable of change. we saw him get worse (picture from season 1 to ~ season 9); he can get better.

you think sam/cas/jack would call dean abusive? no. they know him. they understand and have empathy for him. they love him and know he loves them. they've just been trapped in a maze specifically designed to push their buttons and there was never time to deal, and straight up dean's self esteem has a long history of being so bad that he feels too guilty to just focus on himself and resolve his issues. his definition of selflessness/bravery is to bury your feelings as much as possible and help other people. sorry he explodes sometimes. that doesn't make him an abuser.

whenever i see someone arguing that dean's abusive toward sam and/or cas and/or jack, their argument almost always boils down to "dean didn't think/feel/believe/say/do what someone else wanted him to" with a side of "dean was mean to my blorbo" and it's so frustrating.

[mlobsters]

supernatural s9e3 i'm no angel (w. brad buckner, eugenie ross-leming)

i hope padalecki had fun switching between robo-angel and sam. i never like when the brothers are lying/hiding/fighting but at least in the earlier seasons it felt... not completely contrived

true, that, cas. i'm not really terribly engaged with this fish out of water thing but i'm trying to keep an open mind

meg 🥲 they girlbossed too close to the sun with her goodbye episode and now i get all weepy thinking about her. yet with bobby? nothin

this rando baddie reminds me of a mix of demon!brady and leviathan!dick

s5e20 the devil you know - eric johnson as brady (who also has kind of boyd hollbrook as the corinthian vibes) / the sandman

anyway. stalling! evil pretty blond-lightbrownhairedboys.

is there any reason cas isn't going to the bunker (protecting the boys from the angels after him?) for food and shelter, at the very least. the actual reality of suddenly needing to take care of a human body is so much.

do people pray out loud like that at church? lol (i've never been to church. ever!) it was a nice moment there with cas and the out-loud-praying-person. i have a variety of feelings, being on the not-religious-not-spiritual-not-anything side of the fence. mainly how to not only be vocally supportive and not judgey about people talking about their faith, but also on the inside being not judgey and an asshole.

WOMAN You're missing the point. It's not possible because I have my faith. CASTIEL But when I tell you the truth- WOMAN Your truth, not mine. Your lack of faith doesn't cancel what I believe. That's not how it works. You know... I think you might feel better if you tried it my way. Someone is listening.

SAM Angels can't possess a human without permission, right? DEAN Yep.

on a scale of 1-10 how guilty do you feel, dean

https 🔒 yay! still no tld and slashes are \\ instead of // so close...

cas did look pretty pathetic huddled up in the alley in the pouring rain, but bringing him home is a bold move

SAM Look at these chemicals. Do you even read the label? DEAN No. I read "pie". The rest is just "blah, blah, blah".

you tell him, dean!

human cas finding all sorts of reasons to be shirtless with ladies today

APRIL Well, all patched up, but, God, your delts are in knots. You got to relax.

*squints* girl. are you possessed. making out with the rando man you picked up in the alley

strongly considering just skipping past this torture scene. sigh.

this awkward pillow talk may be as bad. this is all so random

okay, yes possessed :p

well jackles sold me on dean genuinely caring, good job

DEAN You had sex with April? SAM Yeah, that would be where the hedonism comes in. DEAN Shh.

--

DEAN So... did you have protection? CASTIEL I had my angel blade. DEAN Oh – oh, he had the Angel blade.

cute cute

speaking of which, where's kevin? i can't remember

so dean's gotta kick cas out, to keep sam alive. rolling my eyes again at the contrivances

sad meow meow face #17

[dyed-red]

Happy Wincest Wednesday! Everybody's getting the same ask from me this week. What's the last Wincest fic you read that you really enjoyed? Link it (and tag the author if they're on Tumblr)

This is such a lovely ask to send :) I'm answering well and truly late so the timing from when you sent this to me vs others will be off, but that's not always a bad thing.

I'm also going to cheat and rec a few here.

First gonna rec Darling by @applecrumbledore because it came across my dash last night and I reread it (okay just re-skimmed because it was almost midnight, but it's so good I still had to reread at least some of it).

I'm gonna say this rec doesn't count for a Wincest Wednesday ask because it's technically not wincest, is even tagged "not wincest", but despite that I'd honestly label it among my favorite wincest fics. Wincest pervades and informs this story in a similar way to how it pervades and informs canon, which is part of why I can't get enough. It pushes past the plausible deniability of canon when Dean is on his knees calling Sam's name while getting railed (one of the hottest scenes in a Supernatural fic that I've read for the way that Ron writes Dean's headspace with the mingle of pleasure and shame and embarrassment and desire and then the roiling horror and release of this truth slipping past his lips - loudly), but even there it feels true to canon and believable in how everything Dean does -- all that which matters anyway -- comes back to Sam.

(And if may, though Ron may not have intended this, I wonder to what extent that is some unreliable narration on behalf of Dean, some retroactive reworking of his own memories and story and world to make his life more and more about Sam, about this bond between them, to make even the times and the things that weren't always about Sam now about him in hindsight, as their enmeshed codependency tightens vicelike around them more as the years roll over them. Here in purgatory he must cling even harder to that story and vision that he's crafted for himself, something to hold on to. That something is always Sam.)

Sam is ever-present even in his absence, and when he becomes present, the glimpses we get of his jealousy and entitlement and fury are all so in character and heated, giving a charged intensity to an otherwise aching undercurrent. Even Cas is standout here. So many times he's characterized as already Knowing, but here he reminds me of his earlier canon characterization, the version of Cas we know as a bitter soldier, and it fits so well in the context of who and what Dean becomes in purgatory, and Cas's own headspace during that time.

But okay, that's my "not actually wincest" Wincest Wednesday rec.

I'm also gonna rec three works from Val_Creative, as they're the most recent works I've bookmarked. Val has works about the early seasons, typically writing short pieces, and I'm especially drawn to their episode-related works. These snippets all seem to help to unpeel the onion that is SamandDean, and each of these has a different tone to it:

Satisfaction (set during 1x06 Skin, because I can never get enough Skin fic)

Gonna Make You (set during 4x14 Sex and Violence, a piece that informed how I was thinking of Sam and Dean's history when I wrote Architecture of Choice)

Do Anything For You (coda to 3x07 Fresh Blood, inducing some thoughts about the injuries Sam would have after the events of that episode, and acting as an early work in the vein of Dean washing Sam, a longstanding favorite trope)

[hefelllaughing]

Love and War

Previously • Next

||• TWO •||

⊱Past⊰

Hugo Herb Shop, Kyoto, Japan

》 Hugo Homare 's Point of View 《

A week, it has been a month since Adan, Ame, Arana and Dale, stayed in our home. Kida-jiisan, a father figure to me even for a short time, passed away a week since Amie, Dale, Arana and Adan stayed here for the night. Even I can't have any power against Fate and he told me that even for the short time they took me in as their daughter, he was happy and that he loved me.

“Any advice, Homare-chan?” An older woman who was frequent in our small tea shop asked me.

“I suggest don't put too much salt your cooking, from what you're saying, your husband has Kidney Strain. ” I say.

“How'd you know?” She asked me as she sips her Ollong Tea. There are a few customers who ask things and I usually answer... with pay of course.

“From the very list of things your husband feels... The Fatigue, Changes in Urination, Swelling in the hands and ankles, Side Pain, Loss of appetite Nausea and Vomiting, Shortness of Breath, Rashes, Muscle Cramps.” I ranted. “But I suggest getting checked by a doctor but still it will be nice to lessen your salt intake.”

“Of course, of course.” The woman nodded.

“Since our bodies are no longer that strong compared to our youths, we should take proper care of it.” I wisely said. “Oh and lessen the sake as well.”

“I will do anything for that idiot to stay healthy! Thanks Homare-chan.” The woman payed me about 800 yen, not too shabby seeing for small talk.

“Homare-neesan, Ayume-baasan needs you.”

| • ❤ • |

⊱Present⊰

Somewhere in the America, Men of Letters' Bunker

» Third Person's Point of View «

Two brothers were pacing as their friend wasn't answering. The taller brother with brown long hair was looking at the blank piece of paper that they got from the mail.

“Come on, kid, pick up.” The shorter but older brother was the one pacing and worriedly calling their friend.

[This is Delayne Giselle, leave a message after thr beep. But if this is your nth time calling and I don't pick up, I'm out Whispering] His call went to voicemail.

“Dean, why don't we... Ugh...” The taller brother shake his head at the bad idea that he just got.

“Do what, Sammy?” The older brother, Dean, frustratedly asked his younger brother, Sam. “That perhaps the only lead we got is not answering her phone?”

“Since... Cas has his Grace now, why don't he you know, pop up at her place?” Sam asked.

“Or...” Dean trailed. “We call Cas has his grace now, why don't he pop US at her place?” Dean suggested.

“Are you suggesting we pop up in Japan?” Sam looked at his brother who looked like it was the greatest idea he got in a while, a very long while.

“I'm calling it!” Dean immediately called their angel friend, Castiel.

[Hello Dean.] From the otherend of the call, Castiel was in a Slip n' Drink when he received Dean's call.

“Look, Cas, we need a favor man.” Dean said. “Remember Giselle? The kid surgeon? Well she's not answering and we're worried... ”

“Uhm, Dean... I think I know why she's not answering.” Sam said as he just searched a news article in Japan. “I mean, my Japanese is a little wonky but... the only call that Giselle can answer is from a sèance.” He said, turning his laptop around where the article showed a memorial for the young doctor.

[What? Miss Delaney is dead?] Cas asked.

“Change of plans buddy, can you pop us up in Japan and make sure she's actually...dead.” The thrill that Dean felt was washed away. The article showed blurred body and he was pretty sure on the label is that it read Giselle's name and dead on it.

[Are you sure, Dean? You and Sam can handle...] Castiel trailed as he knew how the brothers valued their small but distant family and friends that they meet.

“Pronto, buddy. ” Dean stood up and got up, opening his wallet and fished out a picture of the three, it was when 18 years old Giselle helped them with a case during her and her grandparents' vacation in New York, years prior.

[I'm on my way...Ugh is it a right time for pie?] Castiel already paid for the things he pick up.

“Just... take it and get over here.” Dean said. “Thanks buddy.” With that he hung up, knowing that Castiel was about to say something.

“Let's pack up then.” Sam closed his laptop.

“She better not be dead.” Dean shook his head as he too, began packing.

“I mean, like us, she's some legacy right?” Sam asked, referring to them being descendants of a Men of Letter member. They managed to find a rather old scroll that dated back in the 1800s in Japan. About a case between the Judah Initiatives, Men of Letters and the Keepers of the Whispers, a huge alliance.

“Well it's that or her Gramps taught her to throw scapels when she's 5 years old and her Grandma teaching her how to hunt succubi at their age of 70s-ish.” Dean sarcastically said.

“Dean, I was 4 when you taught me how to pick a lock.” Sam gave him a look. “Well, other than the auto-magicked checklist of members that the scroll has is just something else.” Sam said.

“Sam, Dean, you guys ready?” Castiel had to drive to the bunker due to it being protected from anything really. With a serious nod, Castiel handed Dean the pie and touched the two brothers' shoulders.

| • ❤ • |

In front of Toshiki Residence, Tokyo, Japan

“Huh, I was joking about the mansion-ish house.” Dean gave a small whistle at the modernized Japanese mansion. There were a few people wandering about and they didn't noticed the trio so they didn't startled anyone.

“The funeral was yesterday. Everyone are preparing to put some of their things in a storage room.” Castiel translated a few words that the housekeepers were saying.

“Uhm, hey!” Dean called out to a man who was visibly disrespected but the foreigners' yell.

“Can I help you?” The man asked.

“We are friends of Miss Delaney.” Castiel said in Japanese, making the two brothers look at him in disbelief.

“From America, we heard that she passed and uhm we are here to convey our condolences.” Sam said in broken Japanese but the man understood and he earned an eyeroll from his brother.

“I am Castiel, this is Sam and Dean Winchester.” Castiel introduced himself and his companions. Two of them bowed in respect, the other reluctantly bowed with a small thug of his sleeves.

“I am Nura Yamito, I am a guard. Please, come inside while I fetch Toshiki-sama.” He showed the three inside, adviced them to wear indoor slipper and remove their shoes.

“Dean, it's a sign of respect, okay?” Sam told his brother. The living room has tatami mats and floor chairs where there instead of the usual couches and sofas. “They cremated her then?” There was a small shrine on a display cabinet with two urns and pictures on them.

“That's not Miss Delaney.” Castiel's eyes furrowed when they looked at the pictures. One was a woman who looked similar to Giselle but older and has black hair. The other picture was a picture of a baby, new born to be precise.

“Dean-san, Sam-san, Castiel-sama.” Two old figures walked in the living room and motioned them to seat. Despite pushing through their 80s, they looked like they never aged from the 3 years they haven't seen each other.

“Hello.” Dean awkwardly waved at the old couple. The two motioned them to seat down and gave a maid who was trailing behind them to place down the food and tea and coffee.

“We are happy to see you three again, not the reason that we are meeting because of our granddaughter's funeral but a joy to see you three again.” Toshiki Hiroko, silvered and wrinkly now due to old age, gave them a small smile. Thankfully for Dean, the couple knew how to speak English. As well as Korean, Greek, Latin, Spanish, French, Italian and many more languages. It was from them Giselle learned how to speak multiple languages.

“We offer you our condolences.” Dean said, immediately taking the cup of coffee and taking out the pie that Castiel bought and placing it down on the coffee table.

“Giselle would've loved to see you or know you are here.” Yuro said.

“Uhm, we know that it hasn't been long since her death but can we ask what happened?” Sam asked, curiously watching Castiel who has yet to sit down. He was still staring at the baby picture.

“Ah, Castiel-sama, did Juno's picture intrigued you?” Hiroko also noticed the man's attention on the picture.

“Juno? Like the Roman Goddess?” Sam asked, elbowing his brother who was stuffing his face with pie.

“Uhm, yeah, the Goddess of Marriage and Jupiter's wife?” Dean continued.

“Ah, I see why Giselle liked the three of you.” Yuro smiled. “You are Anthropologist, yes?” Yuro didn't know about the case, nor about the three knowing of the supernatural. “She spoke highly of your the lores that you share.”

“Uhm, yes.” Dean just agreed. It was common knowledge in the Toshiki Residence that Giselle wanted to be one but chose to become a doctor instead.

“This is Miss Delaney's twin then?” Castiel asked.

“Yes, despite being born first, Juno was stillborn. Giselle on the otherhand was a healthy baby, silent but healthy.” Yuro nodded. Tears begin to fill both of the couples' eyes.

“Our daughter, you see, she was rebellious... Her actions lead to consequences but she got the blessings of her life.” Hiroko was crying now. “Then not aftet a few days after giving birth, she died due to hemorrhaging.”

“We are so sorry to hear that.” Sam sadly said but then he cleared his throat. “We are sorry for your losses, Yuro-san, Hiroko-san but it it's alright with the two of you, we would like to hear of what happened.”

“You see, like most of the people we meet... we care deeply for them, we value them despite being away from them.” Dean said, metaphorically and physically true.

“Of course, it was just a few days ago. Giselle has this patient that is at the countryside, she checks up on her twice a month and the day of the tragedy was her one of her checkups with her.” Yuro explained, his voice raspy and strained.

“Oh, it was horrible, she was checking up on patient when her car swiveled on a stormy night and crashed it on a lake, thankfully she managed to escape... Her burnt body was found near the lake you see.” Hiroko explained.

“Burnt? Why was her body burnt?” Sam asked, curious.

“She was struck by lightning, she was wet due to the rain or perhaps she swam to the lake's shore but like meat that escaped the pan, fell into the fire.” Hiroko was wailing now. The three gave the couple a chance to mourn, albeit mourn again but one can't simply just move on with a snap of a finger.

“Dean, Sam, I don't think Miss Delaney is dead.” Castiel said. “I don't know how but I think they brought in the wrong body.” Castiel said, making Sam and Dean to look around to see if anyone was in ears' length.

“Then where is she?” Dean asked. Castiel then went completely still, not blinking or not even moving.

“Cas?” Sam worriedly looked at his friend. With three calls, the angel snapped back to reality.

“Angel Radio.” Castiel said. “I managed to hear. A few things.” He said.

“Well, what is it?” Dean impatiently asked.

“I don't think the call will pull through if she's in the past.” Castiel said.

“What?” The two brothers knew that journeying in the past wasn't impossible but the fact that not knowing how and why she got there was shocking.

“One of the angels saw her, well, not sure if it was her but an angel's storm was the one that caused the car crash. ” Castiel said. “She's famous too, you know, human miracles you know.”

“We know buddy.” Dean said, knowing how Castiel was awestruck by Giselle when they first met.

“Did you heard why and how?” Sam asked.

“No, angel's storm happens when some angels can't control their you know graces in their human hosts. Euria, Nadine and a few angels can control the weather. Some in seasons.” Castiel rambled.

“And the reason why?” Dean asked.

“Nothing either. No angel can pop to and from the past, not when the fall drained us.” Castiel said as a matter of fact.

“So she's stuck in the past?” Dean asked. “Then that's where the letter came from then? Samuel Colt managed to FedEx phoenix ashes to the future.” Dean concluded.

“But it's blank.” Sam pulled out the letter and to see the blank paper only to see it now no longer blank.

“It's a painting.” Dean had to stretch his neck to see the painting that was in Sam's hands.

“No way, is that the Shinsengumi?” Sam asked, shocked that the painting was a group of men wearing the same haori with the same kanji on it and there in the middle was a familiar face.

“The what?” Dean asked.

“Then she's in Edo Period then.” Sam concluded and walked back to the couple. “Yuro-san, Hiroko-san, do you recognize the girl in the middle?” He showed them the picture.

“Huh, I didn't know that any of our ancestors were affiliated with the Shinsengumi.” Yuro snickered.

“Our ancestors came from the South you know, we were far from the battle that was happening in Kyoto, and the few who were near didn't exactly like the Wolves of Mibu.” Hiroko explained, internally laughing at Dean's face. She liked the three, how they seemed so familiar despite not being actually close to them, it was Giselle who were in contact with the three.

“Werewolves?” Dean mouthed to Castiel and Sam, on which the latter shook his head in disbelief.

“Shinsengumi or the Wolves of Mibu.” Sam pointed out. “Perhaps a cousin many times removed?” He asked again.

“Oh no.” Yuro shook his head. “Most of our ancestors were men, to be clear my daughter and granddaughters are the only females in the last 7 generations.” He was looking intently on the painting.

“But it looks so much like our Giselle.” Hiroko smiled. “Where did you get this anyway?” She asked.

“Uhm, it was something Giselle found.” sent. Sam wanted to say. “We only received it not too long ago.”

“Unless doppelgangers or shapeshifters exists, I doubt there would be someone who will look like Giselle, now or then.” Yuro said, giving the painting back. The three inwardly winced at his statement.

“Another thing that we need to ask, is that, was Giselle acting weird before the accident?” Dean asked.

“Weird no, exhausted yes. Our granddaughter works hard in the hospital you know?” Hiroko said. “But she did received a small necklace from an unknown person, she even wears it.” She continued. Her statement caught the trio's interest.

“She wore it? Like without any hesitation?” Dean asked. He knew Giselle and that she was cautious and careful to let a little jewelry pass.

“Yes she did. We thought of a possible suitor or a lover but she didn't confirmed anything.” Yuro said.

“What did it look like?” Dean asked. He had a feeling he knew what necklace they were talking about.

“With my eyesight, don't hold it against me but it looked old, like some eagle or was it a deer head?” Hiroko said.

“Like a wide V?” Dean asked.

“Yes. Did you know of it?” Yuro asked. Everyone in the room looked at Dean in curiosity.

“She spoke of a clue in finding her father. She showed me a picture of a brass necklace that looked like a very wide V, before we all parted ways years ago.” Dean said.

“So she found her father then?” Yuro didn't know who Giselle's father was but he sure as hell hate the bloke to death.

“Maybe or maybe not.” Sam said. Gears turning in his head and an idea popped up. “Do you guys have it or is it in her things?”

“I'll go have someone get it.” Hiroko called for a maid and asked her to take out Giselle's jewelry box. “What's with the questions?” She was curious on why the three are adamant in asking such questions.

“We feel like there's something wrong with Giselle's death.” Sam stated. “It could be tied to the painting or her necklace or her father.”

“Don't care about that bastard is what I say.” Yuro was fuming.

“We understand but your granddaughter left us somethings, some questionable things but we really need to know.” Dean said. Then a maid handed a wooden box to Hiroko and left.

“It's this one yes?” Yuro asked, pulling out a deep V brass necklace which made Castiel's eyes to widen which didn't go unnoticed by the two brothers.

“Can Cas take a good look of it?” Dean asked.

“He's the expert in jewelry and artifacts.” Sam explained. The couple began to tell them stories of Giselle, small and normal stories that somehow made them a little reluctant of their theory of her being a legacy.

“Here you go.” Castiel gave the necklace a few minutes later.

“It's night, and I assume you three don't have any place to stay at?” Yuro asked.

“Stay, for the night, please.” Hiroko nodded and ordered a maid to prepare three guest rooms and asked the same maid to tell the chef to cook something American this time.

“Ugh, thanks.” Dean agreed.

“Why don't you three freshen up while dinner is being readied?” With that the three were ushered to their rooms by Yamito.

[queenhellwitch]

the angry one

Sam is emotionally intelligent and can't hide his feelings from his own eyeballs, but I actually think he's more repressed than Dean. He encourages Dean to open up, but Dean won’t share with his little brother, because it’s his job to be strong. However - Dean does share, with other people. And he punches heads in, shoots the crap out of stuff, he drinks beer, he gets laid. He cries and gets angry and violent, and he takes it out on people. He’s very emotionally expressive.

Sam, on the other hand, keeps it all in. Half a laugh, half a cursory smile, the endless “I’m fine!”s… The only time he really opens up and starts to talk about what he actually experienced, is to Rowena. He doesn’t even get to have a go at Chuck, in the same way Dean does. Even when he shoots Chuck, it literally bites back. Sam lives a life of self-flagellation and penance, and when he dares to allow himself any action, reaction or even pleasures, his decisions always come with a ton of guilt. Even when he’s right.

Jared does an amazing job of showing us his true emotions with just his eyeballs, but nailing the very obvious repression. It’s amazing, really.

Yet - guess who gets accused of being angry, self-righteous, hubristic and selfish, by the fandom, by so many people in the show, and even labelled “not exactly Mr Anger Management” by his own father figure? That boy was actually too good at managing his anger. But he’ll never be viewed that way, because he’s already been put in that pigeonhole with his family. He always was the “deep little son of a bitch”. Bobby says John would rather “push Sam away than reach out to him.” Kids who are hard to understand end up being difficult. As if being a teenager isn't a ragey experience in itself. John's fear? Was it because of the evil in his veins? Or just because he was stubborn? Because he yelled at his dad? He stood his ground against the abuse, he ran away, he went to college despite being disowned for it?

In Mystery Spot, Sam is without Dean for six months and he goes psychotically revenge-driven. He cuts himself off from all other humans, and he stews in his own anger. Yet when he’s faced with the Trickster, it’s clear that despite his obvious emotions, this is a man fully in control when he needs to be. I think we forget this, when the same thing happens again at the end of Season 7. A Sam without Dean is not a stable person. Add all the hell trauma he’s suffered and the loss of Bobby – the father figure who never saw him outside that pigeonhole of ‘the angry one’ – Sam is completely alone, and not by choice.

Again, he could easily be angry. He has every right to be raving mad and on a destructive revenge trip, like he did in season 4. When Dean and Cas disappear to purgatory, he chooses to not be angry. He chooses not to be hubristic this time; because where did that get him before? Actual hell, actually. Against all that we know about Sam, and his love for his brother, he controls himself, he chooses to step away, from a dismal fucking world that only seems to bite him, and his loved ones, on the ass - no matter what he does. So he removes himself. He just drives (and then later becomes unhinged because that's my headcanon lmao).

And it turns out that was wrong too. He never gets across to Dean or to anyone else what his thought processes were, though, and nobody ever really knows the real Sam, the one who leaks through when the emotions are dialled down, when they can finally both just rest. It breaks my heart.

[roublardise]

J'ai publié 12 604 fois en 2022

366 billets créés (3%)

12 238 billets reblogués (97%)

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J'ai étiqueté 10 168 billets en 2022

Seulement 19% de mes billets ne comportaient pas de tag

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Longest Tag: 140 characters

#reputation by taylor swift obvsly / chromatica by lady gaga / en cas de tempête ce jardin sera fermé by coeur de pirate / mozart l'opéra roc

Mes billets vedette en 2022 :

n°5

Dean Winchester - Killing Boys

“Since he died..” Dean starts hesitantly, “I’ve been having nightmares, as you heard. But also these.. these kinds of flashes and memories coming back. Stuff I had no idea about but stuff which fucked me up, you know?” The words are still getting stuck in his throat and he has to force them out to keep going. “It’s not just some daddy issues about growing up hunting and seeking revenge, and learning how to build a gun before you know how to count. There’s.. more. And Sam can’t get it. And it’s okay, I’m not gonna tell him - who knows if he’ll even believe me. But there’s a distance between us now. I want a distance to be there. Because I can’t keep up, I can’t breathe if he’s too close to me.” “So you’re hunting… him ?” “Yeh.” “To breathe?” “To be free.”

extract from my fic You therefore must be perfect, as your heavenly Father is perfect

95 notes - publié le 24 janvier 2022

n°4

click for quality!

true form Anna/Ruby anyone? for @spnprideweek - day 4 - wlw/joy

TO THE GARDENS OF LOVE

she tells me: our deadbeat fathers - gods or lucifers when they thread their so-called destiny made us creatures of greed and feathers - not worth mortality

she learned poetry from trees and beating hearts a fruit from a soil which would nurture nothing in Heaven alas, she sighs, a few allegories never killed anyone let alone an angel

it's a tragedy alike those of the Greeks we only move and forget, never forgive and repeat one can not be alive in the infinite

I tell her: devoted hustlers - gods or reapers crushed me into black ashes one could only hold through a stolen skin, a slough that would never stick

those roots that you crave, they threw me away with their trash from a soul to empty bones to cut on a rack seeds for an Eden of apathy labeled some demon witch something - never someone

it's a romance, don't your Greeks have these? we may live and forget, I won't pack any regret I've only been alive with you to cherish

I plead: can't you see? we're creatures of lust and fire! free from faithless submission!

what could Thanatos give that we can't create in the space between the stars and the salt of the seas flowing into your grace I found humanity and we got enough love to spend eternity

95 notes - publié le 26 juin 2022

n°3

do you guys know about dean and castiel like they're for real best friends and they're in love-

114 notes - publié le 2 décembre 2022

n°2

why would anyone think cas is the only man dean is attracted to have you watched the show.

122 notes - publié le 5 mars 2022

Mon billet n°1 en 2022

you don't understand the roadhouse episode is about dean starting to flirt with jo but it's not really succeeding not bc of being turned down but BC he's not feeling it, he can't keep faking. literally starts and can't go through. he's tired. and yeh it could be simple legit "he's not feeling it bc he's grieving" BUT THEN you have Ash.

it's an episode about dean not wanting, turning down, a woman. all while actually flirting with a man. his dad is dead and his posture is falling down. he's going for it he digs the haircut. they drink from the same bottle.

it's about dean rejecting jo and his comphet and embracing openly/in front of sam his homosexuality in this essay i will-

184 notes - publié le 14 janvier 2022

Obtenez votre année 2022 en revue sur Tumblr →

[charcubed]

Hello, "gay Castiel" anon here 👋

Thanks for taking the time to respond ❤️ I appreciate your thoughts.

I just want to respond and give my own thoughts now that I've read your response. Sorry that's it's so long, and feel free to ignore. I just want to get this out to somebody lol. I won't address EVERYTHING, just the highlights:

Your response did help me understand the gay!Cas interpretation more, esp since you are right about there being so many instances in canon of him being specifically gay coded.

However, and I hope this doesn't sound demeaning in any way, but I think the reason I don't prefer the label "gay" for Cas is cuz it feels too limiting.

Gay (as I understand it) is a person who identifies as male who is sexually/romantically interested in other men. So...

1) I don't necessarily accept that Cas identifies strictly as "male." I agree that he's comfortable in his male body, as you stated, and I know that the story of Dean&Cas wouldn't have played out the way it did if he hadn't taken a male vessel. But all that aside, I think Cas' attitude towards gender is probably very fluid compared to our society's typical binary. Compared to humans, his species and gender is Other™.

I personally prefer this idea cuz I relate to it more. I have a female body that I'm perfectly happy with, and I don't mind ppl seeing me that way; I don't have dysphoria. But at the same time, I don't have a strong feeling of "I AM a woman" if that makes sense. If I woke up as a man tomorrow, I'd be fine with that. I see Cas in a similar way: He likes his body and is attached to it, but he doesn't necessarily feel that it being male is essential to who he is or his identity.

I feel that while Cas is in a male body and is happy with it, his gender identity most likely exists outside of the human binary construct. Automatically, this makes him more umbrella "queer" to me rather than gay.

2) And also, as I said in my earlier ask, I think Cas' sexuality is just: in love with Dean. There are moments in the show that COULD be interpreted as feeling arousal or attraction to women, imo. But I don't see any moments that would suggest he's attracted to men other than Dean.

So to me, this suggests he is demi (for Dean, specifically) rather than blanket gay.

I understand the gay coding (like "sensible shoes," for instance) are about being gay specifically. But I also think those tropes have traditionally been applied to human male characters. Since Cas is not human (does not have our human standards for gender), not a typical "male" (nonbinary, imo), and not seemingly attracted to men in general (just Dean), those moments just reinforce that Cas is queer – "gay" is just too narrow a definition to encompass all that he is (imo!)

Anyway. Those are my thoughts. This is all my personal interpretation, and I am NOT saying ppl have to agree with this!! But I have decided (with your help, thanks) that people can't tell me I'm wrong either 😊 based on what canon supports, it's totally fine to NOT label Cas as "gay."

Thanks again for your thoughts. I love your meta and shit ✌️

(Anon is referencing this post with their previous ask and my long answer)

Hi gay Castiel anon!! Thank you for returning to meeee :') Really happy to know my answer made its way to you!

And thank you for sharing your thoughts!!! I honestly don't disagree with any of this. I do think all your points are fairly valid so I just want to reiterate that. And as I said in my post I certainly think "queer" can be and is applicable to Cas both for the reasons I had laid out and for the fact that there is very much room to see complexities in his queerness because he's an angel–as you've laid out here.

As a non-binary person myself I also totally get the vibe of what you're discussing. I want to add a side note that in the "real life," as it were, there are plenty of non-binary people who do align with the label of "gay" even without identifying as a man or a woman. It's not inherently limited by binary gender. (I say this as a reminder more for the benefit of anyone who may read this public post rather than to you, because I'm sure you know.) But does that mean Cas would align with it as a word/label? Not necessarily, obviously, in the reasons and ways you've described.

Glad you feel more certain in not being "wrong" and I'm really happy my post helped you come to that certainty 💕

Thanks again for sharing!

[shallowseeker]

Anon because this is a touchy subject but I'm the one who hates Mary. Thanks for fielding my ask with such patience. I'm honestly very hopeful I can come around to liking her more.

I was wondering if you could write more about Lucifer? I really liked the Lucifer-war meta you wrote. He's a pariah in the fandom, but you seem to like him and Nick?

You're welcome, I think.

About Lucifer, uh, well. I'll be honest with you. I'm not super keyed into Lucifer, so I can't promise that I have any thoughts to share? But I'll keep it in mind as I watch through again. Here's what I like about Lucifer and what I'm less interested in. If any of this syncs up with your interests, feel free to stick around!

///

First, I meant when I said it's okay not to connect with a character. For example, it's taken me a long time to come around to Charlie Bradbury, and she's a fan favorite! Sometimes, there's no real reason you don't jive with a character. (There's nothing wrong with Charlie. I just happen to find her kind of annoying! And that's okay. That I like Arthur Ketch more than OG Charlie doesn't mean I'm a horrible person, right?)

I find that many of the characters featured in season 8 are kinda boring to me. Many of them I think were meant to be templated and figment-like in terms of their complexity relative to an integrated life. But some of them, like Metatron, I really love! He turns out to be so much more than the "ho-hum wiseman" that he appears to be, and then he basically repeats Cas's mistakes with regard to "punishing" his home and "trying to be God."

Yet, the fandom as a whole absolutely loathes Metatron. But I'm not going to go into their inboxes and harass them to see things my way.

///

So, Lucifer...

Many Lucifer fans seem to be fans of the early-seasons Lucifer, but I'll be upfront with you and say I prefer the whiny, petulant guy that was peeled back in later seasons--the one who revealed to Anael that all he really wanted was to fit in. Yeah, he's "less edgy, less cool," but I find him way more interesting!

I think there's an echo of Sam and John here re:fitting in. Because while Sam is "rebellious" towards John, he is, according to Henry Winchester, quite like John in terms of his base personality. After Jess died and Sam focused on revenge, Sam seemed strangely glad to have something in common with John, to understand him.

Lucifer too seemed excited and more sympathetic to his dad after Jack arrived. I way prefer that to the idea of a "villainous" guy in a white suit spitting spooky lines about destiny. That Lucifer...feels like Chuck.

I guess my thesis is that Chuck's portrayal of Lucifer is pretty close to Chuck's true self: a kind of cool-headed, all-knowing sadism. But perhaps the real Lucifer is eaten up by pain and volatile emotion.

"He's stealing my best lines," Lucifer laments when he reads the Bible in season 13. There's probably some truth to that. Perhaps, Chuck takes all his worst parts and stamps them onto Lucifer, and he takes Lucifer's best parts and stamps them onto himself?

///

And John...

I'll also be honest and say I find the fandom's tendency to paint Lucifer and John with all the bad in the entire universe to be sort of...frustrating? It verges on cartoonish. Engaging with their complexity automatically gets a fan painted with the dreaded "abuse apologist" label. I feel like disengaging from Lucifer and John almost...pressures you into trying to explain away TFW's own wrongdoing to hastily differentiate them from Lucifer and John.

Furthermore, I feel like John is raked over the coals for his inability to let go of his hatred of Azazel, but the fandom won't even entertain anything less than the abject destruction of John and Lucifer. In a sense, we can lurch into being quite John-coded when it comes to John and Lucifer!

It's almost like it's a badge of honor to blame them for all the evils in the universe, even the evil that Sam and Dean do on their own. Gabriel had a gorgeous speech on this very issue in season 13's Exodus! (Gabriel at once excused Chuck too much and blamed Lucifer too much, but he had a great observation!) At what point do you stop blaming your father and take responsibility for yourself? Where do we draw the line? How do we heal?

///

I'm also pretty fascinated by Chuck's tendency to victim-blame Lucifer's descent as "inevitable," while taking no responsibility for his own actions. That Chuck pointed to Lucifer's "jaundiced eye towards humans" as proof of his corruption is...hmm. It's bad.

It's like viewing Demon Dean, MoC Dean, or Amara-thralled Dean as "the real Dean." Just because you have urges or thoughts does not mean that you'd act on them in your right mind! That's the whole point of being an animal with free will!

Chuck's pretty fucked up for that viewpoint. It's his own rationalization for sure.

///

The other thing I'm fascinated by is that tantalizing nugget that Amara "trusted Lucifer once." Did Lucifer try to get close to her in order to catch her off-guard? "Dear nephew, my how you've changed." I'll always be rotating that line my head.

And I'll continue to ponder why Amara was so willing to make up with Chuck but was not willing to even try with Lucifer. How sad! You'd think if she felt bound to Dean, she'd also feel closer to Lucifer for being connected to her in a similar way. Maybe? And then there's the pesky fact that Amara becomes Lucifer's torturer and is willing to make up with Chuck but throws Lucifer away like garbage... It's hmmm.

If we assume that the MoC corrupted Lucifer, I say there's a good argument for his disinhibition and actions making him feel like he was beyond the point of no return, and so he continued to descend. There's something here that shackled Lucifer's free will just as it shackled Dean's.

And yet his own family is not even willing to extend the slightest bit of kindness, and that is why Lucifer is like that when we see him in Vince. He spends most of his time pleading to Cas, because that turns out to be his most stable family member. Same with Gabriel. (Though they try to kill each other over and over.)

Honestly, I find it difficult to ignore Amara and AU Michael's torture of Lucifer, and how frightened Lucifer was of AU Michael. It's also hard to look away from just how much "having a mission" fills Lucifer with purpose and surface-level loyalty for those around him.

It's hmmmm. Lucifer is simultaneously the worst version of himself AND he's also scapegoated for things that he didn't do and that aren't his fault.

///

And lastly, I'm always going to be interested in Jack. That Lucifer wanted Jack to give his life meaning is not nothing. It speaks of a life that means nothing. Forgiving Chuck and then getting tossed by Chuck, not to mention having gray-rock stability with Cas as his roommate and then getting ripped away from Cas, was honestly...probably the worst thing that ever happened to Lucifer. It's the thing that made him give himself over wholly to nihilism.

After that, Lucifer became single-mindedly focused on having a kid to plug the whole of his existence. He obsessed over Jack to a point that he was rushing to cross worlds to get to him. And yet, that care never really grew into anything truly parental. He was so willing to slit Jack's throat! He was so jealous of Sam being important to Jack that he tried to make Jack kill Sam.

It's hmmmm.

///

And Nick.

Nick is a festering sore...and how Lucifer manipulated his personal life in order to Stockholm him was gut-wrenching. Nick lost his entire identity!

I'm sure that "Like" is a strong word, but I think his plight in season 14 is certainly something we're supposed to pay attention to in the context of the Dean-AU Michael possession.

///

Things I don't care about?

Well, I'm not so much about Lucifer, Rowena, and Sam directly, because I feel like his interactions with them are cartoonishly straightforward: with them, Lucifer is his worst self. There's not much to add.

Lucifer does show some glimmers of being Gabriel-like with respect to Sam, in that he "respects Sam," engages in "torture of the brothers," and tries to "train him to recognize illusions" and "come to certain conclusions via illusions."

It's also sort of interesting to me when the reflection of Lucifer ricochets onto TFW, reminding them of when they were their shadow selves. (Jimmy Novak possession, cannibalism, killing innocents, sacrifice, lying, etc.)

///

[deancasforcutie]

#okay first of all #the way you can so clearly see Jensen's tears when he's facing away from Cas as opposed to when he's looking at Cas #you could argue lighting but it's... so incredibly in character? #to try to hide his flaws (what he thinks are flaws! crying is NOT a flaw!) and his feelings #..maybe not just because he feels that he doesn't deserve it but because he can't hurt Cas any more? #AND THEN #the way Dean ... calls out to cas #just his name #with so much to say but he can's say it because he doesn't know how #and cas just #touches his shoulder #because cas knows #after all... they have a profound bond #dont they? #Goodbye Dean #he says #believing that his journey started with a Hello Dean #and closing up this chapter of their lives #because for him... #that's enough #to be and not to have #it's not about the physical intimacy #its not about the labels #its not even about the show being scared to act on it #it's about love #to admit his love for Dean #Cas had to confess not just to Dean but to himself #he had to love his being: one who loves #in order to love Dean #so this isn't just about Cas loving Dean or confessing to Dean... it's about accepting and loving himself (via @love-nakamura)

[scones-and-texting-and-murder]

Baby Day

Because I can't get this post by @skepticalfrog out of my head.

Truth be told, Cas loves a baby day.

Yes, Jack is the most powerful being in the universe (and no, there’s no point in trying to put a label on it) but despite all that, Jack has only been alive for a handful of years and life can still get pretty fucking overwhelming. Sometimes Jack can use words to articulate what they’re dealing with and Cas can listen and nod and do whatever he has in his limited power to help, but sometimes even that isn’t enough.

On those days, Cas will wake to the sound of soft crying and, while his own heart breaks a little, it’s quickly tempered by the fact that he can help, and that’s what has him leaping out of bed even as Dean is making sleepy, unintelligible sounds beside him.

“Baby day,” Cas calls over his shoulder and he’s out the bedroom door.

He finds Jack where he always does: sitting on the floor in the living room, curled into themself and wracked with sobs. Cas makes himself small, crouching down in front of them. “Hey, Jack,” he says, his voice gentle but still rough with sleep. “Need a baby day?”

At that, Jack lifts their tear-stained face just enough to nod, small arms reaching for Cas to gather them up. And Cas does, lifting them in his arms that today feel strong enough to support the world. Cas cuddles Jack close to his chest, feels them mold into his embrace, wet cheek pressed against his shoulder as they hide their face in his neck.

His broad palm covering much of Jack’s little back, Cas carries them to the couch. Cuddled up tight, Cas begins to sing, a soft Enochian lullaby that’s mostly nonsense but that soothes Jack from sobs to sniffles until they’re gently swaying in his arms. As the crying subsides, Jack’s heartbeat begins to slow and Cas feels his own heart swell wide, so overcome with love for this incredibly powerful entity who allows him to calm them with a touch. It’s stunning in the truest sense of the word.

By now Dean has gotten out of bed and Cas hears the sound of coffee being made and it isn’t long before Dean arrives bearing two mugs. Cas smiles his thanks at him and nods toward the coffee table, not yet willing to relinquish his hold on the baby. Dean sets down the mugs, then lays a gentle hand on the top of Jack’s head.

“Rough day, kiddo?” Jack just nods, face still buried in Cas’s neck. “Okay, we got you.”

Maybe one of the reasons Cas loves a baby day is because of what transpired the first time it happened. It hadn’t been long after the Empty had taken Cas, only to spit him out again as he heard Dean’s prayers as he nearly died in that barn. “You’re more trouble than you’re worth,” the Empty had said in disgust. “Go.”

As happy as they’d been to see each other again, Cas’s words--his I love you--still stood in the air between them like so much frozen fog. The words seemed visible, tangible, almost, and still they didn’t talk about it. A few weeks later they were in a motel room, conversation stilted and mostly related to the case when Jack appeared, clearly agitated. In the middle of trying to explain, Jack transformed into a baby before their very eyes. Cas and Dean exchanged panicked looks, but Cas, still feeling the power radiating off of Jack, knew it wasn’t some sort of curse. It was Dean who understood what was happening. He’d picked Jack up, instinctively holding them close, murmuring soft words until the crying stopped. He’d slowly licked his lips, meeting Cas’s gaze even as he spoke to Jack. “Words are hard sometimes, huh, buddy?”

That first time, Jack hadn’t relented until both Cas and Dean lay down with them on one of the two beds, hadn’t stopped whimpering until both curled around them and all three fell into a warm, comfortable sleep. Cas and Dean had woken in the morning to find Jack gone, their arms wrapped around each other and, well, that had been that.

Cas knows these days won’t last forever, knows that as Jack continues to age and grow they might need this less and less, so he’s committed to savoring it while he can. While loving and being loved by Dean has fulfilled him beyond his comprehension, to be needed by this baby is both moving and gratifying. Today, Dean settles on the couch with them, his arm slung around Cas’s shoulders, the other hand cupping the back of Jack’s head. It’s the holiest of trinities Cas could ever imagine, the three of them connected by touch, each of them gathering energy from the others, like a circuit completed.

[bottomdeanbigbang]

Coming Soon!

Title: Interesting Revelations

Author: redamber79

Artist: lamiasageart

Pairings: Dean/Cas, mentioned Charlie/Gilda, mentioned Sam/Eileen

Rated: Explicit

Length: 21456

Tags: minor injury, mention of past child abuse, anal sex, misunderstandings, mild drug use, idiots in love, mutual pining, first time, love confessions, college AU

Warnings: N/A

Summary:

"It's Dean's third year of college and he's having to adjust to a new roommate when his friend Ash transfers to MIT. The new guy, Castiel, is studying American History and Religious Studies, and Dean is certain the guy must be straight as an arrow. Too bad, 'cause he's kinda cute. But Dean grew up with more lectures about fire and brimstone than anyone wanted to hear thanks to his dad, so he doesn't mention to Castiel that he's bi. Not like it matters, Castiel is heartbroken over the death of Anna, his high school sweetheart. So Dean is determined to just be a good friend.

But...

What if Dean is mistaken, about so very many things?

It takes a fistfight with an interloper to clear the air between them, but then there's no stopping their feelings for each other."

Excerpt under the cut...

"Dean and Castiel mostly ignored each other the first month or so they were rooming together. Then, one day, Castiel came home muttering and tossed his Religious Studies text onto the coffee table before dropping onto the couch next to Dean. Dean glanced at the clock and frowned, continuing to type. He had an English paper due in a few days and needed to wrap it up.

""Don't you have class?"" he asked curiously, tilting his head at his roommate. Castiel was running his fingers through his already wild hair, and his eyes were stormy. From this close, Dean could see their colour clearly, a brilliant, breathtaking blue that rivalled the fall sky outside their apartment window. Get a grip, Winchester. No writing poetry about the straight guy's eyes!

""I dropped it. That… That assbutt Adler is the worst Prof I've ever had, and first year I had Roman for Business 101!"" Dean blinked. That had to be the first time he'd heard Castiel swear, and he wasn't sure what to make of it. Assbutt? He shook his head a little and focused on the topic at hand.

""Don't you need that one to minor? Adler can't be that bad…"" Dean let his comment trail off as Castiel raised an eyebrow at him and gave him a withering look. Dean squirmed a little under that stare.

""I'm reporting him to the Dean. Yes, he’s that bad. He's not teaching Religious Studies, he's proselytising from his pulpit, and that damn textbook is one he wrote! I am not wasting my time. I'm just pissed I can't get my money back from the bookstore for this piece of inarticulate, brain-washed drivel. He's the worst sort of Bible-is-fact, In God We Trust Republican dickwad that I hated back home! I moved here to escape that shit, not smear it around.""

""Says the guy named after an angel…"" Dean teased a little, earning him an eye roll. Castiel dug into his backpack and hauled out a small bag of gummies, the label unmistakably identifying them as pot, then he looked at Dean warily.

""You're not gonna rat me out, right?"" he asked, and Dean stared in disbelief as his nerdy, innocent, apparently not-so-religious roommate popped an edible into his mouth. ""You want one?""

Dean closed his mouth, blinked, and then shook his head. ""Not today, got auto in a couple hours, need to be clear-headed. And you know who I rented with before, he recommended you. You think anyone Ash hung out with and rented with for two years would have a problem with edibles?""

Castiel snorted a laugh, his nose crinkling up adorably, and Dean looked away. Not being a religious whack-job and partaking in a bit of recreational pot were all well and good. Still. Not everyone was cool with a bisexual roommate.

""Fair 'nough. Wish I could get some money back for this damn book, though I'd really rather burn it than put it back into circulation."""

[norahastuff]

I can't stop laughing at the thought of Jensen reading the "Cass pulls Dean close," and just panicking. Like what in the Brokeback Mountain

I mean I know you’re joking, but I highly doubt panic was his first reaction. I don’t know the man, so I can’t speak to what he’s thinking, but really? Dude’s been pulling Cas close for years, any opportunity he gets. Are you forgetting that Spn has already done their version of Brokeback (Brokebacknatural, I believe it was dubbed, by fans and cast alike) where Dean did pull Cas close and part of Jensen’s excessive touchy feeliness was cut out? 

How about the episode he himself directed where Dean chooses to stroke Cas’ thigh, cup his face and stare soulfully into his eyes. I highly doubt any of that was scripted, so I hope he didn’t panic when he directed himself to do that.

Look I know Jensen’s said some not great stuff in the past, I have my opinions/theories on that (that’s for a different post) but whenever he’s been asked about Dean and Cas’ relationship in a serious and (from his perspective) non confrontational way, he’s always said pretty much the same thing: 

Dean and Cas have a very important unique relationship, they count on each other and there’s a lot going on there but Dean has no idea about how important he is to Cas (and this next part I’m quoting about as accurately as I can remember) because Cas isn’t human, and any relationship they have would be a supernatural relationship not giving credence to humanistic feelings and emotions. 

Jackles may not have labelled it or called/considered it something different in his head, but he never had a problem playing up that relationship and how intensely Dean felt about Cas. 

Look the reason there is even a romantic element to the relationship between Dean and Cas is because of the choices Jensen and Misha made. I mean you can say it started because they had good chemistry, but it was because of how Misha chose to play Cas relating to Dean and how Jensen reacted to Cas and and how Cas perceived him. All of that added depth and more dimensions to their relationship pretty much from the beginning. That’s what the viewers saw, and that’s also what the writers saw and realised there was more to explore there. 

And once again, not to assume I know anything about what goes in Jackles head, but it seems to me once they decided to explicitly tackle the romantic feelings between Dean and Cas, he was was very enthusiastic about the whole thing. From what he’s said since then, it seems he truly realised how monumental that scene was, not to mention how proud he was of the whole thing. I mean the guy asked someone to film it for him so he could have the full uncut version, and seemed disappointed that in the final cut they removed a lot of his reaction and what he played into it. None of that strikes me as the actions of a man who would panic at the “Cas pulls Dean close” stage direction. 

I know you were most likely just making a joke and didn’t want/expect a wall of text about Jackles acting choices in response, but I’ve been watching the dude play Dean as someone who’s perpetually on the verge of crashing right into Cas whenever they’re in any kind of close proximity with each other for years now, and I’ll be damned if I don’t acknowledge that. 

TLDR: Jackles when he read “Cas pulls Dean close” 

[anti-jack-kline]

Hi friend! This is the anon from the dadstiel ask. Sorry to bother you but I saw your response and I feel like I should clarify my "Cas doesn't see Jack as his son" claim.

Because yeah. He verbally acknowledges that he's a father. I know that's canon. But to me it very very much reads like Cas was told "you're assuming responsibility for this kid. That means you're his dad now" and he just. Accepted that? But their actual relationship doesn't read as parental at all. Jack doesn't treat Cas like a parent, Cas doesn't treat Jack like a son. They use familial words, but as angels/half angels with zero experience or role models, do they actually understand what non-blood parental relationships ARE?

Tbh, Cas and Jack's dynamic reminds me more of a step-parent relationship where they didn't meet until Jack was a teenager and Jack's been in Cas's custody maybe 10% of the time. They might technically have a parental relationship on paper. They care about each other. And they COULD have developed a deep, meaningful, father/son relationship. But they didn't.

Like I personally have 2 step parents. I've known both of them since I was 5. One of them is a parent to me in everything but blood. We're /family/. We both cried when I left for college. They know I'm not straight.

The other I'm fond of! We get along! We send each other Christmas gifts! If I died, they would mourn me! They try to meddle in my love life! But they're not my parent and I'm not their kid. Legally maybe. But not in the ways that matter. I haven't come out to them. I don't feel a need to. I have a /family/ and they're not part of it.

So Jack and Cas verbally calling each other father and son? Means nothing to me. They needed to back that up with emotions running BOTH directions (Jack had to actually show he cared about Cas in a non-superficial way. Cas needed to show his interest in Jack wasn't just for Kelly's sake) and we needed to see them grow into a family unit. But they didn't.

Hence my firm conviction that Cas doesn't REALLY see Jack as his son, despite his words to the contrary. Blood obligations are one (very complicated) thing. But non-blood family relationships? Something else entirely. You can't just slap a familiar sticker on a relationship and call it a day. You either develop it or that label means fuck all

I freely admit I have absolutely no personal experiences when it comes to step-parents. But more than that - I am someone who always pays attention to the text first, and everything afterwards; and all I could see was that the writing was ridiculous and trying to shove a new “family member” into the group for cheap feels. I had no interest in analyzing Cas and Jack’s “relationship” (what relationship, really) any further. 

I still think that Cas leaving Dean and Sam on the floor like trash was supposed to show that nothing was more important to him now than his “child” and God knows he ignored Dean for most of the last three seasons, so... *shrug*

Also, the reason the relationship doesn’t read as paternal may well be that the actors are less than twenty years of age apart, but maybe people see it differently?

In conclusion, I actually kind of envy your interpretation - you’ve at least got some solace, while I’m standing in front of the broken pieces of one of my favourite fictional characters of all time.