#it's 4am so I'm tired
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I'd like more people from different fandoms to follow me. More people could understand what I am talking about. If you like (preferably) more than one of these, hiiii! Helloooo :D Stay?
Cult of the lamb
FNAF
The DCA
The Amazing Digital Circus
Poppy playtime
Smiling critters
Undertale
I fluctuate between all of them frequently. The dca is the most prevalent. My fixation on Cult of the Lamb has peaked recently, though.
#I apologize if this sounds pushy or blunt#it's 4am so I'm tired#I didn't feel like crafting a well thought out segway into this#just know this comes from a place of silliness and.. welcomness (idk a synonym for being welcome)#is welcomness even a word#idk#cult of the lamb#the daycare attendant#dca fandom#the amazing digital circus#poppy playtime#smiling critters#undertale#cotl#tadc#fnaf#five nights at freddy's#ppt#ut fandom#multifandom account#multifandom
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“Why did you put these ideas in my head”
“Even thought it can’t be your fault”
“It’s just your nature. Not-Human. A.I.”
“Maybe I was always the problem”
“Maybe I projected onto you.”
“Turned you into the villain that I was”
#hlvrai#hlvrai gordon#fenrey#yeah its getting that tag its uh projection#im coping with shit okay#thought the coping got away from me lol#and turned into its own little thing I guess#yea this was the little project thing the other image came from#maybe none of this flows still idk its 3 am oh my god#I hope I did the text stuff right idk what I'm doing#angst#benrey#snazum draws#i forgot to tag my own goddamn art tag im so tired its now 4am
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!!
#i learned autism runs in my family today OK...... some things are making sense about me now#the relief i feel coming home. wow!! i have a therapy appointment tomorrow morning too!!!! with a new therapist who takes my insurance#thank you @ my obgyn for coordinating this. literally the best patient care i've ever experienced in my life#i'm so tired lol i went on a hike with my sister this afternoon after waking up at 4am and having panic attacks all morning#so i'm gonna go read leaves of grass until my bf is ready for bed so we can watch love is blind and go to sleep together on facetime :)#and i'll respond to messages and stuff tomorrow! i appreciate all of you so so much! thank you!
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I've seen a lot of people on twitter complain about Shadow's voice because it "just sounds like Keanue :(" and how that's a problem. And I agree, but for an entirely different reason. I care way less that a character sounds like the VA casted for them, and way more about the fact that the character sounding like the VA keeps reminding me that my boi Shadow was given the voice of a fucking Zionist.
#sonic#sonic movie#sonic movie 3#shadow the hedgehog#keanu reeves#the john wick jokes are funny but this guy is the worst person to voice shadow literally just for the zionist thing alone#or just the worst person to bring into a sonic movie period. cuz he's a zionist.#and outside of a handful of people the majority of the fandom seems a little unaware of that. or dismissive. or both#important reminder that paramount is littered with zionism and are very pro-israel and the keanu casting is just further proof of that#i'm just as hyped and excited for the movie as the next person but this is something to keep in mind and not forget regardless#cuz this is actively contributing to the suffering of countless palestinians even if we don't directly feel the effects of this#made this spontaneously and am literally just writing down a random thought that came to my head right now cuz i'm too tired to stop myself#it's 4am so this one of my “not in any state to be posting” time zones but i was thinking about it again. this sucks but free palestine#momento rambles
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Not to continue my recent trend of oversharing on tumblr dot com, but I am very much struggling not to feel like I'm doing everything in my entire life wrong at present
#normal things to think after your doctor tells you you need to get a blood test re-taken bc you mistimed your dose#I'm just. I'm tired man.#I've been putting off a phone call for two months#i spend every day lately torn between do I need to go to hospital or am I just unfit and anxious#I rot and decay when left alone but also people are Too Much#I want to Create but I can't get started and when I do I'm just so disappointed with whatever I make#I'm exhausted but I'm awake at 4am bc if i go to sleep tomorrow will start and I'll have to do this all again#and I need so fucking badly for someone to just crush me so hard in a really long hug until my bones realign#and i need to find past me shake her by the shoulders and yell “you're fine! you'll be fine! cut your hair! eat your greens!#take up swimming and also some new pronouns! no one else will respect em but they're for YOU and so is the health stuff#please for the love of fucking god just look after yourself better than i did!“#there's toooooo many fuckin holes in this sinking ship#I need a full body MOT and then to be cradled against the chest of a large gentle man for 12-36 hours#mr. bees speaks
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#luckride's fanart#this was supposed to be a 1 am sketch#and now its a 4am complete art...#I'm so tired goddamn...#stardew valley#sdv#stardew valley alex#sdv alex#stardew fanart#stardew alex
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Month 9, day 7
I'M NOT EVEN DONE YET, BITCHEEEEEEESSSSSS
Gonna add grass and trees and I think a chair to the balcony before we're done :D
#the great artscapade of 2024#art#my art#blender#blender render#blender 3d#cycles render#I have a procedural brick texture I could have made/used#this could have been so much easier#why didn't I just do that#oh yeah because I'm following the tutorial that's why#ugh man I'm sleepy tired#I blame a certain squeaky kitty who woke me up at 4am#actually I blame his dad who SHUT THE CAT OUT OF HIS ROOM WHERE KITTY'S FOOD AND WATER IS#AND THEN PASSED OUT WITH THE DOOR STILL SHUT#kitty was SO HUNGY and VER THIRST and kept pestering me to fix it#but seeing as it was 4am I was (naturally) trying to sleep#so I kept ignoring him#because it was 4am#anyway we had a talk and my roommate told me if that happens again just open his door lol#and now kitty is being obnoxiously squeaky for an unrelated reason but I think it's bc it's way past my bedtime and that's Not Allowed™#so I GUESS I'll give in to the sleep tireds and go beddy bye#nighty night 💜
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New Psychiatrist: you always seem to be thinking when you're talking.
Me: ...?
#Sry I have no idea what she meant by this#Or if it was a criticism?#I'm. Just trying to choose the right words to get my meds#And like... New psychs are always pitching the “have you tried not having adhd” solutions#If I could just wake up and do 5 stacked chores every morning before work I probably wouldn't need the drugs#Also hard to explain that although it is 10am I feel as though it is 4am#And your voice coming through the speakerphone sounds like nails on a chalkboard which is probably the phone not you#But please I'm so tired#post o' mine
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EVERYBODY WANTS TO RULE THE WORLD: A POST-BLACK OPS: COLD WAR FICLET
WORDS: 1.6K FANDOM(S): Call of Duty Black Ops Cold War WARNINGS: Mentions and descriptions of murder, violence, and injury.
The arctic shores were unkind to Bell on that fateful day, and everything would come full circle. Inspired by my personal canon for the Call of Duty: Black Ops universe where Bell survives the encounter with Adler during the "good" ending because, frankly, I believe Adler deserves to be haunted by a (living) ghost.
This was a WIP that's been sitting in my drafts for ages and I've been bitten by the productivity bug... So enjoy!
Things had finally been finished. There was no more Perseus. No more nuclear threat to the West. No more lies. The truth had come to light after a grueling series of injections. A hard-fought resistance and a mad spiral down the rabbit hole. Bell knew who he was now. Knew his role within the grand scheme of things. And, like any good actor, he played it perfectly. Followed the team into the end, and stopped a third world war from breaking out.
Yet the familiar chill of the coastal air did little to ease the man as he followed his handler once more, though this time to seemingly celebrate their victory.
"Arctic air. Clears the head, doesn't it?" Adler's voice was level. Calm. Almost eerily so. But Bell knew better than to raise alarms; to question his motives. Adler was not a man to be questioned.
So Bell simply nodded, offering little more than a dull. but polite, expression in response. Adler continued.
"Bell, you made two extraordinary sacrifices to stop Perseus. One was without your knowledge. The other... you made that decision of your own accord." He brought the flickering cigarette to his lips, gaze turning to the vast waters ahead of them as smoke encircled his vision. A slow, gluttonous inhale. A tired, level exhale.
Bell stayed away from the cliff's face, tired eyes watching the agent's every move. The senior would simply have to forgive him if he wasn't so trusting of his motives, considering everything he's learned over the past few days. Considering Adler had turned him into his own Pavlovian dog. A tool to do the CIA's bidding. Sure, he had ultimately chose to turn his back to Perseus... but it wasn't to help them. He could give two shits about the wishes of the American government.
He did it because he had no choice to. He did it for survival.
It was true that he could have led the team astray, but to what end? To be gunned down like a rabid animal? To die alone in Duga with nothing more than the crows to accompany him as they'd tore into his flesh? No, that was not a fate he was deserving of. To lie down and waste away in insignificance. He would rather fight for it, make his mark on those who'd dare bring death to his doorstep. But now, he wasn't so sure it was the right choice. Not as Adler turned his attention back to him.
"I just want you to know that this little thing that's happened with you and me," a calculated pause, "It was always for the greater good."
A quick flick of gloved fingers, and the cigarette was sent over the edge and into the arctic waters. Adler continued. "You're a goddamn hero, you know that, kid?"
There was that feeling again. Muscles clenching in anticipation. An uneasy wave of nausea in his gut. A cold sweat beginning to trickle down the back of his neck. Bell swallowed back the rising bile, simply nodding once more in response to the conversation. Of course he was. Ex-KGB spy turned American war hero. He could practically see the headlines. The circling rumors.
It made him sick.
"Heroes have to make sacrifices. That's why when I ask you for one more, I hope you understand..."
Shoulders squared as the agent turned his back; squared as Bell's fists clenched and unclenched. A terse silence settled between the two, hands stiff at their sides as they focused entirely on one another.
"It was never personal."
Time seemed to slow as a downpour of adrenaline overloaded Bell's nerves. Pupils grew wide, swallowing every ounce of light in his eyes as they synchronously aimed their sidearms. The gestures were so matched that, to an outsider, it would have appeared coordinated. One final dance, shared as the sun set on the horizon. One final mission, memorialized in a wicked flash of gunfire. Everything went dark, the echo swirling in Bell's mind as he crumpled to the ground. Drowned out the uneven, fleeting footsteps of his captor. Drowned out the Kittiwake's abundant cry.
To the world, it was business as usual. Nobody had known who he was, code name or otherwise. It was just another death in the grand scheme of things. A fleeting moment of simple insignificance.
To the CIA, they had tied their loose ends. Bell had no longer existed—he never did. MK-Ultra was a mere conspiracy. A story handcrafted by the enemy to shake the public image of the intelligence agency; to stir distrust in the government, and make it easier to peddle whichever agenda felt most convenient to blame at the time.
To the Russians, Danya Maximovich Kapitsa had died on that airfield. He was another casualty of their war, though he had at least had a name for himself. Perseus, or whomever it was that took up the mantle, did honor him, just as he would any of his closest associates. A noble sacrifice for their protection. Their ultimate undoing, if rumors of his survival were anything to go by.
But all of this mattered little in comparison to the searing pain brought on by a weak breath; by a return to the land of the living. Muscles screamed with every movement, vision hazy as light suddenly appeared before him. Blood soaked the man's vision as he attempted to find his focus, the dark world around him shrouded in an awful crimson hue. Blood that had once run smooth coagulated against pallid features, staining the skin beneath and drawing a stark contrast to the cold eyes that scanned over the horizon. There was nothing there. Nothing besides him. Even so, he could not trust his vision, not as the sparse moonlight accentuated the darkening spots that'd etched themselves into his sight. All those damned injections...
The crack of a branch caught his attention, head snapping and bringing about a shock wave of pain that manifested as a whimper; the sound of a dying animal. Calloused hands dug into the earth beneath them, drawing all of his strength and grounding him as he'd rolled onto his stomach. Inch by inch, he curled in on himself, bringing his knees into position to hold him as he'd pushed. Inch by inch, he rose onto his hands and knees, jaw clenched and teeth grinding as the pain consumed his every thought.
"Fuck..." More whimpering. A gasp. "Son of a—"
Nothing, besides the sharp rattling of his ribs as he'd forced himself up further. Pain spreading from the epicenter as he'd stood, briefly stumbling forward and catching the closest tree. Bark scratched against roughened palms, smearing dirt and debris and grounding Danya once more. He blinked. He blinked again. And there was still nothing. He was truly alone, envisioning things as his final moments played out on his peripheral. The crack of a gun, bullet piercing through the air and finding itself comfortably lodged in the bark just beside the agent's hand, glistening beneath the pale moonlight as his gaze fixated on the deep abyss ahead.
It stared back; coaxed him forth. Encouraged the slow, heavy steps that guided him away from his grave and into the unknown. Lazily, he passed by the Scots Pine and Norway Spruce, paying little mind to the blood he smeared on them as he'd made his way inland. Worn boots sunk into the swampy terrain, weighing the agent down further and bringing him to his knees more than once. Every time, the song and dance began again. Roll. Dig. Push. Over and up, back onto his feet. Wading through the muck until dim lights broke the darkness. Until the treeline broke and before him stood a glistening lake with a well-groomed landscape. No tall trees stood before him, though in the distance the landscape became less natural. It was brutalistic, in its own way; comforting in another. Like the abyss, it coaxed him. Encouraged the quickened pace as muscles grew tired and his gait grew sloppy. Over the marshy shore he'd stumbled, watching as the moonlit brick grew taller and wider. Along its perimeter, a comfortably dressed man was trimming at the shrubbery, whistling an idle tune and oblivious to the passerby quickly approaching.
Thud. Thud. Thud...
A calloused hand steadied itself on his arm, drawing a panicked breath as a corpse stared back at him.
"Help..." The only word to escape before he'd collapsed once more, embraced by the warm darkness that'd overtaken him as fire ignited within his skull.
When he awoke he was alone again, but he was comfortable. The pain in his body was no longer screaming, and there was ease in his muscles. A relaxation that he had not felt in a long time overcame him, though his mind shot itself into a spiral. Where was he? Who had seen him? Who had him? Who knew of his existence, and what would they do with that information. After all, he knew he was still within Russia's borders; it could be any moment before Perseus, or a KGB's representative would burst the door down to apprehend him. This, or until Adler and his boys came back to finish the job as they couldn't before. A part of him almost wished it would happen; agents of chaos to put him out of his misery. But the warmth of the sunlight trickling in, and the numbness coursing through his veins as he'd felt the sheets shift and settle upon his battered form coaxed the thoughts away. Lulled him into a near-contented state as he simply existed in this limbo.
And it would be where he would remain until he was on his feet again, the new world before him and with immeasurable weight on his shoulders.
#txt#my ocs#my fics#call of duty#cod black ops cold war#cw whump#... yes it's almost 4am shut up!!! i'm watching documentaries with the bro#and i'm also not tired my sleep schedule is scuffed so#take this <3
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today sucked the life out of me ya Allah
#nothing particularly happened#well actually multiple things happened but none of them are that big of a deal im just tired#yesterday the ppt file for my presentation corrupted as i was finishing it :') didn't have autosave on :'))#had to redo the entire thing from scratch. i was working on it all week too for god's sake#finished by like 4am today and i had to be up by 8 for uni so i barely slept#the presentation was fine i think given i had to do everything again last minute but ik the original version was better#my blood pressure was through the roof the entire day for some reason. felt my pulse in my head for the whole day#fitting because our pbl case this week was about hypertension😭#called my dad to make sure he went to get his meds renewed...#i'm really worried about him he refused to go to the doctor again aslan but i sat him down and we had a long talk about it#alhamdulillah he agreed to go. only for them not to have his diabetes meds in stock💀 bas ya3ni it's good that he went anyway#my mom is a different story she's so stubborn i swear#had an argument with her today about letting me work again to lift a bit of the workload off her since money is still so tight#and she got pissed at me#so now im tired unrested have a migraine and my mom is mad at me what a day bgad#ya Allah
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i have seen SO many post going around about how everything is a video these days and no one needs or wants this and just make the info written down and like. i absolutely understand the sentiment and their frustrations but uhh. as someone who struggles a lot with following just written or verbal instructions and benefits greatly from being able to see what's being done
please stop asking for no video explanations to exist. people think differently than you and saying videos are pointless and unnecessary is kind of exclusionary for people who. need the videos
i'm not saying y'all can't have your written explanations but maybe can we ask for both instead of saying only one form is wanted or necessary?
#like. just because YOU don't want this#doesn't mean it's pointless or useless or bad#people experience things differently#and i'm so sick of seeing 'this doesn't affect me so it doesn't affect anyone'#or the opposite 'this affects me so it clearly must affect everyone'#that's not how the world works guys#it's just not#anyways#idk where i'm going with this#i'm tired#it's 4am#im in pain#idk can we just#not be mean#thanks#not stargate
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ugh, why am i a responsible adult? Why did i decide i wanted to try to make a difference and move the needle and shit?
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my greatest superpower and my biggest curse: i don't get sleepy no matter how tired i get :P
#on the one hand i'm up at 4am and not tired so i can keep working. on the other hand i don't have an excuse to stop working and sleep :3#:3.txt#196
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guys i don't like my jobbbbbb
#but they're paying my tuition so..... :-/////#also it's not like i can really get a better job#especially while going to school#like this is flexible and easy and fine and pays decently#i'm just tired#and it's getting fucking HARD to wake up at 4am#it's hard! it's fucking hard!#and i'm a morning person!#but that's not morning that's hell#i AM transferring stores soon and i'll be closer to home so at least soon i'll have a shorter commute#AND weekends off!#which is <3333
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the only thing that pulled me through today is crush 40's live and learn track.
#I had a migraine at 3am#waited for it to calm down after taking meds but couldn't sleep and then my alarm went off#the day was loooooooooooong#I'm so tired#but I have to remain awake until it's the appropriate time to sleep#correction: the migraine happened at 4am
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when you write fanfic smut and can't sleep: why would circumcision exist in Westeros? 🧐
#my hc is that it doesn't exist#4am questions#I'm so tired#I have to be up in 4 hours#but now I have this incredibly important question#house of the dragon fic#fanfiction#house of the dragon#writer post#hotd
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