#I never realized how hellish no mods is until now

[skullzy20]

the grendel farm makes me experience pain I never thought possible

[mysticmikalla]

Time’s Tracing

I’m so, SO excited to share with you guys my full piece for @saeranzine !! Being part of this project was such an honor, I met so many great people and learned so many things. I’ll never forget how close we got, all the inside jokes, Fluff’s riddles, Paulina’s brothers, Saeyonic, Shrekran and, of course, SO much budget elixir! Honestly, thank you mods for organizing this amazing project and thank you to all the contributors who helped make it a big family! 

But anyway, without further ado, here’s the actual fic😅I hope you like it!

***

Saeran had always tried to pay attention to people’s eyes. It was an old saying he had heard once, that the eyes were the windows to the soul, and he always made sure to observe them when someone spoke. Those glassy surfaces could unravel intentions, contradicting lying lips and baring themselves true. They told stories better than words ever could.

But as he held your hand in his, tracing all the lines and details he’d come to know so well, he couldn’t help but think the saying to be untrue. Your eyes were closed now, but he could still read you through the palm of your hand as if it were his favorite book.  A thousand times he had done this, and a thousand different details and buried memories he’d discovered.

“We’ll find him.” You sat beside him as his fingers furiously typed, eyes glued to the screen as if afraid that even a blink might make him miss a crucial detail. “I can see how worried you are.”

He stopped typing, leaning back against his chair and closing his eyes, his mind barely being able to keep up with itself. The familiar black and green of the screen now had critical roles in not only his life, but yours and that of his own brother’s. He couldn’t recall the last time his twin occupied his mind with worried thoughts instead of venomous ones.

“It feels strange,” He admitted after a long moment of trying to string his thoughts together. “Not even a day ago I could barely even say his name, and now…” He looked down at his hands, remembering how much smaller they were last time they held Saeyoung’s, “Now he’s all I can think about.”

“We’ll find him.” You repeated, attempting to give him a warm smile even though his eyes were fixated on his hands.

“I couldn’t find him before.” He pointed out, a frown shadowing his features.

Reaching for his hands, you admired how much larger and slender they were compared to yours as you cupped them, “But you’re not alone now. You’ve got me, you’ve got us.”

His eyes darted from your joined hands to your eyes. He wondered if Ray had felt the same rising warmth and almost childlike wonder as you ran your thumb over his knuckle. He wondered if anyone had ever felt the way he was feeling right now, something too great for flower breeds or syllables to ever convey.

“You are not alone, Saeran.”

It had quite possibly been one of the most stressful nights of Saeran’s life up until then. Not the hellish nights he spent with his mother nor the painful hours the elixir spent destroying his body from the inside even came close to how he felt trying to protect you and locate his missing brother. But, he realized, it would have truly been a nightmare without you there, constantly by his side and reminding him time and time again of those five words.

He ran his hand along your wrist, softly as if not trying to wake you up. He stopped at the base of your thumb, where black ink contrasted against your pale skin in the shape of a small sun. His lips tugged upwards as he remembered how hard you squeezed his hand as the needle met your skin, your eyes screwed shut.

The pain erupting from the base of your thumb meant that it was now too late to back out. You had never really wanted a tattoo before, fear of regretting it later being greater than your desire to get one. But something about having a reminder of this day, the first trip you took together, made you doubt any sort of future regrets. The memory of how his eyes lit up when he saw the waves gently bathing the shore, his toes wiggling and burying themselves in the sand was something you wanted imprinted on your skin forever.

“It feels so permanent.” You commented, bringing your newly inked skin closer to your eyes so you could examine it. Saeran glanced at it as well, getting used to yet another new detail of you.

Permanent. It had been a word so foreign to him, he often wondered what it meant. It had been thrown around a lot in his life, but nothing had been, nothing had ever felt eternal. Nothing had actually felt like forever to him. He knew that the world was an ever-changing place, promises of forever meaning nothing since nobody could predict the future. The Sun would eventually swallow the Earth and the Universe would collapse in itself, so nothing was truly everlasting.  Not the company of his brother, not the Paradise he once believed to be eternal and not the tattoo that once poisoned his skin as a cruel reminder of his past mistakes. Hell, not even his own hair color stayed the same.

But looking at you lying next to him, specks of sand dotting your chocolate hair and eyes now amber with the rays of sunset, he began to understand.

“That’s why they call it a permanent tattoo.” He remarked with a grin on his lips.

You gave him a soft chuckle, nudging his side with your elbow, “I know that.”

You turned to lie on your side, facing him. Bringing up your hand to caress his arms, you wondered out loud whether he had felt the same about his own tattoo. The laser had gotten rid of most of the black swirls and lines on his skin, but you could still tell it had once been there. To him, the marks that were just a tone lighter than the rest of him were nothing but a bitter reminder of his mistakes, of the painful past he tried daily to forget.

But to you, it was a sign of progression, how far he had gotten and how much he was able to overcome.

“I don’t think I gave it much thought,” he admitted, brushing a few strands of hair from your eyes, then resting his hand on your cheek, “Nothing felt real back then… it was as if there was no consequence to what I did.”

Your fingers continued to trace the white lines, all the way up to his shoulder, mesmerized by how soft his skin felt under the pads of your thumb, despite everything he had been through.

“It’s ugly, isn’t it?” He murmured, gaze falling from your eyes to the sandy ground you two were lying upon.

Frowning, you gave his arm a slight squeeze, “Nothing about you is ugly, Sae.”

The scar was barely visible now, but his eyes still darted straight over to it whenever he stood in front of a mirror. The phantom feeling of your hands caressing it from the sudden memory made him squeeze your palm tighter.

He wasn’t the only one with a scar.

There was a small patch of skin along the palm of your hand which contrasted with the rest. He couldn’t recall what the fight had been about, but the harsh words exchanged and spilt tears were imprinted on his mind.

“You know what, just forget it,” You huffed, turning away from him to make your way towards the door, “Just forget it.”

He grabbed your wrist, a frantic attempt to keep you from getting further away, “I can’t just forget it, MC. Tell me what you meant by that. Tell me what you meant by ‘taking a break’.”

“I meant exactly what it sounds like.” You spat, forcefully removing your wrist from his touch. It had been the first time you two had ever shared such barbed words, and your rejection stung him more than he could have imagined.

Desperation overcame him, his vision blurring as he watched you pick up a small bag and head towards the door. You couldn’t leave him, not you. Not when everyone is his life had already done so. The contracting of his chest was painfully familiar, although he hadn’t felt it ever since meeting you. Was he cursed to live with a heavy heart whenever you weren’t around?

It was all so sudden. One moment he wordlessly watched you walk away, and the next you were crouching down beside him, the shards of glass he had apparently broken seconds before looking uncannily like how his heart felt.

“I-I’m sorry, I didn’t mean-”

“It’s okay,” despite the anger you previously felt towards your boyfriend, you managed to smile, “It was an accident, it’s fine. I’ll clean this up, okay?”

He remembered the oozing of red from your hand as if it had happened just yesterday. Saeran blamed himself harshly for the deep cut in your hand, the scar that remained across your skin even years later screamed at him that it was his fault. Your soothing words helped him realize that it was an accident, that it could have happened with anyone, but he couldn’t get over the fact that it was him who lost control and knocked over the vase in a fit of rage. Had you been with anyone else, this would never have happened, and it was a mystery to Saeran how you had agreed to spend the rest of your life with someone who couldn’t even keep his temper under control.

Although, by your wedding day, Saeran hardly had any traces of his malicious past left in him. He played with the ring on your finger, turning it until the words engraved on it faced him, Hey, there.

He was beyond nervous as he stared at his reflection, fiddling with his tie while trying to get it straight. Despite the reassuring words from his friends, the cramped knot in his stomach made him doubt he’d ever eat again. Were you going to notice how sweaty his hands were? What if he said the wrong thing? He wondered, was there even a right thing to say?

But upon taking in the sight of you at the end of the aisle, his feet subconsciously taking him towards the girl in the dazzling white gown, Saeran forgot all his worries and even his own damn name. For the first time, the many eyes of the spectators didn’t matter to him.

The walk to you felt eternal but all the same, he forgot himself and when he came to, he was already standing in front of you. You gazed at him up and down, taking in how breathtakingly beautiful he was. You couldn’t tell how long it had been until one of you broke the silence, and unsure of what to say, Saeran breathed, “Hey, there’.

A smile stretched on your lips, “Hey, there.”

While he cursed himself for weeks after saying such ridiculous and meaningless first words as your husband, you thought it was endearing.

“Don’t worry,” You assured him, “First words don’t really matter. Last words, though...I wonder what mine will be.”

“I don’t ever want to think about that.” He shuttered off the thought, thinking of how long you two had and how many words were still  left to be shared.

Had you known back then?

Saeran wondered if your words back then were some sort of omen, a dark prediction of the painfully near future.

Had you known that you were sick when you spoke those words?

He had forgotten to pay attention to your last words, always hoping that there would be more to leave your lips. But as your heartbeat staled and your pulse weakened, his hoping came to an agonizing end, the doctors had said as much. The skin of your hand he adored so much was now impaled with tubes, and when he squeezed your hand, you didn’t squeeze back.

“Hey, there.” He mumbled, hopelessly hoping that your eyes would flutter open, at least just once more so he could say goodbye. Just once more so his heart could be at ease, even for just a few moments before it was completely torn apart. But when the last sigh escaped your lips, your hand going limp in his and the beeping of the machine stilling, the memories you two shared would now only be remembered by him, the feeling of mutual love now solely felt by him.

He had never believed in souls, but now it felt as if half of his was ripped away, and Saeran had never felt pain greater than this.

[maki-and-sushi]

NDR3 Boys meeting their crush irl after they die in the game.

Anonymous said: If it's not too much could I request NDRV3 guys reacting to meeting their crush alive? Like the killing game was like (SPOILERS) DR2 in virtual reality, and their s/o died in it. Basically a non-despair au sort of thing.

So this was a really interesting prompt! Actually, DR2 is my favorite game (over all, I still feel like NDR3 had the best setting, and ryoma and kokichi will forever hold a place in my heart, but I really like the dynamic of the characters, and I love their interactions. I just really love DR2 okay) IF YOU DIDN'T KNOW ALREADY: This basically is just one big spoiler for the twist ending of DR2. (and also the ending of ngr3)

Warnings: Language, Angst >:)

EDIT: for ryoma, I put that kirigiri killed him... and unless kirigiri can suddenly time travel, that didn't happen... lol! I ment to put kirumi, but I guess I was thinking about another prompt. Thank you for pointing it out!

Also: feel free to call me on my bullshit! - mod katie

Shuichi Saihara

When you first died, he was devastated. the only thing that kept him going was the fact that people needed him, they needed him to carry on. the only way that they could get out of this alive was him. He needed to do it. He needed to do it for you. your death would not be meaningless.

the stress was too much, sometimes. but he carried on. it was all he could do.

In the end, they stopped it. They stopped it all. No more killing game. Danganronpa would end in it's 53rd season. he would gladly accept punishment if it meant that this would all end. if it meant there would be no more people who died. sacrifice one for the majority, right?

He remembers that feeling of relief, when it all faded to black.

But then woke up.

He was confused, to say the least. He woke up in this.. Pod, of sorts. he remembers thinking it was like something out of a sci-fi movie. His wasn't the only pod, either. He watched as one by one, as the pods all around him started to open, revealing people he never though he'd see again.

there was himiko, and there was Kaito! Kii-bo, maki, Everyone! everyone besides Tsumugi was there!

And as that thought struck him, he searched frantically for the one person he had yet to see. Spinning around, he saw your confused face as you looked around. confusion that quickly turned to joy as you spotted him. Dodging teary reunions and embracing forms of the people who were reunited at last, he ran to you and embraced you.

holy crap, he feared it was a dream. he feared that if he squeezed to hard, or if he looked away for even a second, that you would disappear and he would wake up, cold and alone, back in that hellish game.

he felt your shaking form as you cried, sobbing for joy, sobbing from relief. you held him in a bone-crushing grip, as if you and him shared the same fear.

suddenly, more and more people joined in on the hug, some crying, some not. they joined until everyone was huddled together in a big, comforting embrace. Sure, there would be hell to pay for people who had killed, just as there would be trauma for those who died. they had gone through so much, it had unmistakably changed each and every one of them.

but right now, they were all here, and they were all alive. they would make it through this. together.

 Kaito Mamota

Kaito didn't want you to worry about his condition. he didn't know what suddenly brought it on, but he was stronger than whatever this was. he would beat it.

at least that's what he told himself.

he remembers when you saw him cough up blood for the first time. how shocked and afraid for him you were.

he remembers your face, when kokichi picked him up in the exisal. how horrified you were.

he remembers you crying throughout the class trial while he hid in the red exisal.

he remembers it all. up until the last moment, the thought of you being freed, being able to leave this place, even at the cost of his own life..... it kept him going. He was going to be a hero! and you.... you would be safe.

Darkness. he remembers the darkness. the floating lights that danced like stars behind his eyelids, through his mind. he felt weightless. he thought this must be what space was like, vast ... cold.... Suffocating. For the first time he could remember, he hated this space.

Then, he heard a voice. your voice. You, sobbing.... It didn't feel right.

Next, he felt the sharp pains in his head, taletell throbbing of a migraine as suddenly the entire world rushed into his skull. All of a sudden, as if he had been struck by lighting.... He was awake.

with a gasp of breath, drawing air into aching lungs.. he briefly felt the phantom pain of his rasping cough.

but that didn't matter. because you were there, above him, staring at him like you had just been granted your one true wish. With a pained cry, you enveloped him in a bone-crushing hug, burrowing your face into his shirt. sobbing, shaking, you refused to let him go.

he... he was alive.

He drew you impossibly closer into his arms, letting a few tears of his own escape. he was here, you were here, and with a start, he realized that everyone was here.

he didn't know how it happened. he didn't really care to, either. he had been given a second chance and he was not going to look a gift horse in the mouth.

 Korekiyo Shinguji

You and Korekiyo had admired each other from afar for so long. the subtle compliments, the cautious glances. you both knew what kind of situation you were in. you also found that your heart didn't particularly give a fuck what kind of situation you were in. you found him lovely.

His vast knowledge of seemingly everything astounded and entranced you. his love for humanity was admirable to you, and his comforting words (often directed only to you, you would never find out) made you feel safe. safe in his arms, safe from the horrible situation you were in.

maybe that was why you liked him. as the ultimate Psychologist, you often found yourself pondering this killing game. On darker days, you would ponder motives for killings, chances of survival. It was a relief when you found yourself on the lighter topic of love. You mused that in a terrible situation such as this, that it might be his ability to provide comfort, or his willingness to forgive small mistakes, such as emotional out lashes, that drew you to him.

 Whatever the reason, your heart refused to acknowledge just how ridiculous this crush was. You also refused to make a move, believing yourself foolish.

one of your biggest regrets was not saying anything before you died.

When you awoke, you didn't quite know what to do with yourself. you observed some of the tearful reunions of the the classmates around you (participating in a few of them yourself), reflecting on your death. you had unfinished business.

With steely determination like that of a hunting cat, you gathered your with and went to korekiyo.

You had been given a second chance, you weren't about to throw it away.

...

nope you couldn't do it.

you stopped just short of reaching korekiyo, intent to turn around and do it another time, but before you could run away you felt yourself being stopped by two lanky arms hugging you from behind.

Turns out you didn't need to confess. Korekiyo beat you to it. he was intent on never letting you go. You found that you didn't seem to mind.

 Rantaro Amami

You had the biggest crush on him. it wasn't hard to fall for him, really. kind... sweet.... calm and collected... he was your hero in this dire time.

it made you mad when he died. why would anyone kill him? he hadn't done anything to anybody! you had often found yourself seeking comfort from him, talking about anything and everything to keep your mind off of this depressing reality. you remember him talking about his sisters, with such affection in his eyes. you had jokingly suggested that he might be the 'ultimate brother' with how he talked about them. he had rolled his eyes at you, and shoved you in a playful manner. you remembered that day fondly, joking in the library

the very library he had been found dead in.

you couldn't help but let a few tears out. tears for this boy, who had been so hopeful for the future, for his ultimate talent. This man who has assured you that everything would be fine.

you wouldn't forgive whoever did this. You couldn't forgive them.

...

After that trial, you couldn't really bring yourself to have much hope for the future. You wouldn't be burdened with the weight of living much longer, however.... Because of someone's selfish reason, you had to die. you hoped your killer got what was coming to them.

...

Waking up after was almost like a dream. You found yourself having a hard time believing that all of that... all the pain and emotion you felt... wasn't real.

You were grateful, though. because if you had awaken, that meant...

Rantaro

Rantaro was there, helping people out of the pods they had awoken in. helping, he was always helping 

Noticing you, however, he stopped trying to help a (rather confused) kirigiri, and after a quick goodbye, was at your side.

with gentle hands he helped you out of your pod, making sure you were steady on your feet before drawing you into a hug.

In that moment, you felt like you could take anything the world threw at you.

 Gonta Gokuhara

Gonta thought you were the nicest person he had ever met. You had been there to comfort him during class trials, you had shared his passion for bugs, and let him talk about bugs for hours on end, and better yet, you actually listened!

it didn't hurt that gonta thought you were the prettiest person he had ever seen.

when you were found dead, it broke his heart. you and him had been sweethearts for a week before this horrible game had ripped you away. Gonta had never cried so hard.

he was never the same after that. His words felt hollow, and there wasn't a day he didn't think of you. And when it came down to it, he all too willingly accepted his death.

When gonta woke up and saw you above him, he thought he was in heaven. when you smiled down at him and kissed his cheek, he decided that you must be his guardian angel.

You had started to cry when he said that, tears of joy falling down your face. you started laughing and kissing his face all over again. You kept telling him that he was safe, that you were all safe at last.

Gonta suddenly got serious, however. he vowed to you that he would never let anything happen to you, ever again. You stopped sniffling for a moment and told him with a fierce expression that you were going to protect him too!

And with that, you and gonta started crying all over again.

 Ryoma Hoshi

 Ryoma had treasured you. you always seemed to be positive, pulling him out of his funk whenever he got too far gone. you made him hope for the future, you made him wish he could be a better man.

he knew how he felt about you, and he knew how you felt about him. but regardless, he wasn't going to make a move. Someone like him, be with someone like you? Even if you both weren't trapped in a crazy killing game, He knew that you would eventually get tired of him, or even worse, you would see him for what he really was.

it hurt, really. To see you try so hard to try to confess, and him playing dumb at every turn. How he wanted to just accept your feelings, to tell you he felt the same....

no.

no, being with him was a weakness In this environment. and you would never be able to stand a criminal like him anyway.

so, he made peace with being your oblivious close friend. but oh, how he longed for more.

...

He had accepted death rather easily. he was ashamed actually, with how easy he gave up. he knew you would be disappointed.

...

'-oma'

'ryoma'

Ryoma awoke to someone saying his name. he was confused, because the last thing he remembered was kirumi about to kill him.... had she...not been successful?

Ryoma opened his eyes.

Huh... no he was probably dead. that was the only possible explination for seeing kaede above him... kaede, who had been killed in the last trial. kaede, who had made a grave mistake.

Which surprised him, because he thought for sure he was going to hell. unless kaede was in hell with him...?

While he was having this dilemma, kaede looked at him, waiting for some kind of response.

'sorry.. did you say something?' ryoma asked, hesitant.

"I just said that if you needed help getting out of your pod, I'd help you."

...pod?

noticing his confused look, kaede gave him a quick rundown of what happened

".... and apparently, it was all just a simulation. that's what shuichi told me."

shuichi, huh? maybe he should go get the full version from him. After nodding to kaede signaling that he did need help, he got to the floor and looked around. sure enough, everyone around him was hugging and crying and having a big reunion.

before he could stop himself, his eyes locked on you.

you were smiling and hugging angie, and were none the wiser about his eyes on you. he figured that was for the best, after all, if he pushed you away enough then you would eventually stop coming back. maybe then you would move on and you wouldn't waste time on a criminal like him. he turned and walked away, too lost in his own depression to notice you running to him.

With a sudden lurch, he found himself buried in somebody's arms, his face in their neck. He was tense and uncomfortable, until he heard your sobbing voice say his name.

"ryoma"

Suddenly, he was boneless and hugging you back just as hard. he tried soothing you by petting your hair, trying to calm you down, to quiet your sobs.

You told him through your tears how glad you were that he was alive, that you were here with him. you then did something that baffled him.

You apologized.

You apologized for not being there to protect him, not being there to save him. When he heard this, he started to cry with you. He apologized for giving up, for succumbing to his darkness.

he took your face in his hands and pressed his forehead to yours.

He had died, once. seeing you now, knowing how it must have hurt you... no. he wasn't going to let you go another day. he wasn't going to give you up. He was going to be incredibly selfish.

Looking deep into your eyes, he said the words he thought he would never get to say again.

"I love you"

and with that, you kissed him.

 Kokichi Ouma

You would never forgive yourself. out of all people, at all times, you chose Kokichi Ouma, in the middle of a Killing Game, to have a crush.

You could practically kick yourself at how obvious you were. you giggled whenever he caused mischief, you gave googoo eyes whenever he was in the room. Whenever you two would banter back and forth, you always felt heat chasing up your neck and onto your cheeks. And from that smirk, that little smirk, he always gave you ...the little fucker knew. he just liked to see you flustered.

you hated how easily you could be manipulated by him... while you wouldn't bow to his every whim, all he had to do was start to flirt or get in your personal bubble for you to cave to his demands.

It was often your crush that got you into trouble with the others. you were often the first to defend kokichi, trying to give reason to some of his more nonsensical actions. trying to make him less like the bad guy. it wasn't your fault that you saw a softer side of him sometimes, and it wasn't your fault that you wanted the others to stop persecuting him for every little thing...

You knew you were biased. you knew.

...Gonta had been too far. you know what the others thought of him now but... It had been gonta's decision.... you knew kokichi probably manipulated him but.... but the raw, unadulterated pain and emotion in his eyes when he explained to gonta....

You were confused. and a little hurt. but god, your feelings didn't waver.

if anything you just wanted to help heal this broken boy.

And after the trial... You knew he was lying. He wasn't the mastermind. and that wasn't your bias. This was obvious, out of all his lies, this was the most obvious one of them all....

so why did they fucking believe him?!?

you, true to your intentions, still tried to find holes in his logic. still tried to clear his name. You didn't notice the looks maki was giving you.

...

When you woke up, it was as if the entire fucking sun was shining in your eyes, with a migraine the size of Russia to match.

with a groan and a dozen or so curses, you sat up and stepped out of the-

holy fuck were you in a pod or some shit?!?

you jumped out of the pod thing, trying to separate yourself from the machinery that was foreign to you... and immediately cursed, louder this time, as vertigo and your migraine came back to bite you in the ass. you swayed, about to fall, when all of a sudden, arms were around you, holding you to someone.

"don't you ever fucking do that again, you dipshit. Don't ever put your life on the line for me ever again, you got it?! Don't.....Don't you .... fucking..." and with that, Kokichi started to cry.

You were shocked why kokichi, big bad, supreme leader kokichi was crying.

 When you asked him as much, he looked at you like you were an idiot.

"because I care about you, you stupid idiot!" he said, trying to dry his tears.

Gathering you close and holding you tight, he whispered to you

"please don't leave me again.."

You couldn't tear yourself away, even if you tried.

Kii-Bo

You were always the one to defend him, when the others were being robophobic. when they treated him like nothing more than a hunk of metal.

you and him would talk for hours and hours, you explaining what it would be like to do certain things as a human..him, sharing his experiences as a robot. you called it a 'culture exchange'

the more the two of you shared, the more k1-bo felt like he needed to protect you, like he needed to comfort you, to keep you safe.

when the final trial came around, you were so tired. tired of the death, the destruction, everything. He wanted to shield you from this torment, to put a smile on your face.

He wasn't really aware of what he was doing in the last part of the trial. all he remembers is the voice in his head...louder, louder, until..

s i l e n c e

...

When he .... Awoke? was that the right word? Well, when he finished rebooting, he realized he was plugged into a machine. the next thing he realized was that you were in front of him, making sure he was all right.

When he reported that he was perfectly fine, you weakly smiled and paused.

'Do.... Do you remember anything, kiibo?" you asked, trying to keep your voice light. When he responded with what he last remembered, you looked like you were about to cry.

"are, are you alright? Do I need to go get some bandages?" kiibo asked, trying to see if he could fix what was wrong. You let out a choked sob and hugged kiibo tight.

"don't you scare me, don't you do that to me again, kiibo... I was so worried.."

when he asked what he had done to make you so worried, you weakly told him that it didn't matter, that you would tell him later.

And it was the very concept of later, that implied you would be around for a while, that made him absolutely hum in delight.

When you felt the vibrations, you giggled through your tears and kissed him on the cheek.

You would be all right, you both would be.

[nonopiimagines]

Fandom: Fallout: New Vegas: New California Pairing: Ben Kurtz x f!Star Player/f!Courier Warnings: n/a Word Count: 2360 Author Notes: This mod makes replaying New Vegas almost a completely new experience.

part v.

Fort Daggerpoint. You would have easily dismissed the rumors about it being haunted, full of demons, or the epitome of all evil if your worldview hadn’t been so suddenly shattered just a few weeks prior. Talking about what existed outside of the vault felt like a dream, some fantasy made up by you and the other kids. You all knew you were born out there, but as you grew up, that might’ve all been a dream as well. Something unreal, unreachable. You were sure you were going to live and die in that metal tomb. It was almost unbelievable that you fell asleep in that dream and woke up in a burning hell hole, the bodies of your siblings scattered around you. And you had to crawl out of it into another hellish landscape that you never expected to have to fully realize and operate within.

So even though it would’ve have been easier to dismiss everyone’s claims about Fort Daggerpoint--including Ben’s-- you didn’t. It only took one earth shattering moment to teach you that everything was real at some point and though the words may have been twisted over time, their meanings still lay within.

---

It hurt like hell. You were afraid it was going to end just as it started: with your busted leg. It was just barely returning to normal and now you were paying the price without a full recovery. But you couldn’t let it end here. Your ears were ringing, your sweaty hair stuck to your face, tears pricked at your eyes, but your head felt clear in its objective: get the fuck out. Run. You have to tell someone.

Everyone was back in the Fort. You had to make it there. There were at least twenty super mutants standing between you and them. You didn’t even have your armor. You grabbed whatever weapon you could find and you just ran, ignoring the furious cries of your captors calling behind you.

It was the dam that made you the most nervous. You had to weave your way between the super mutants and dodge whatever weapons they were swinging or firing and you had to do it all with your hurt leg. You kept telling yourself that they needed you. If you didn't come back, they would fade into the dunes of The Pass and you could not allow that to happen, they deserved better. You deserved better.

So you were quiet. You gritted your teeth, held your breath, and hobbled along. It was easier than you had imagined, using the vehicles as cover, crawling underneath them when you felt too vulnerable.

You were clawing through the door of the fort, urging your legs to carry you farther and farther, just a little bit longer, up the vehicle ramp. You didn't realize how good it could feel to see the familiar faces of your friends and the relief of knowing that you had done so well. Coming back for them. They had been waiting for you.

It was easy to collapse into Jamie's arms, unable to speak as the stress finally caught up to you in the form of uncontrolled tears streaming down your face. They all looked at you, in your vault-issued underwear, your pistol still gripped tightly in your hand. You saw faces of confusion and concern but Jameson's face betrayed the horror he felt inside. He had sent you to your death but you survived. Maybe he thought he was seeing a ghost or the living dead, his guess wouldn't be that far off.

Ben followed your gaze and saw the same look you did before Jameson quickly regained his composure. It looked almost as though Ben was going to demand answers then and there, but after a moment of hesitation, he knelt beside you. In a moment of tenderness you didn't expect, especially in front of others, he pushed your sweat-soaked hair off your forehead and bore into you with his steely eyes. “y/n, what happened?”

You could not explain the rush of feelings overcame you when you heard his voice. It brought feelings of safety but also encouragement. This was not over. You still had to evacuate the Fort. You had to lead them to safety. So you took a deep breath and wiped away your tears with the back of your hand. “I was captured by super mutants but I managed to escape. We've got to get out of here though, they're looking for me and there's only one way I could've gone.” You spared a moment to glance at the ramp you were stumbling up just minutes before. “I need a stimpak--”

“Way ahead of ya.” Eric was bent over his backpack, rooting around for a moment before finding what he was looking for and tossing it to Ben. A super stimpak.

Before you could oppose, Ben ripped open the packaging and stabbed it into your naked leg, the audible release of the medicine signaling it was too late to protest. You stared at him as he discarded the used needle and tubing, his face more relaxed than it was a few moments ago.

“I grabbed this from an empty house in Union City,” Kira said quietly as she deposited a pre-war dress into your lap. “It's not much, but I want it back!” You gave her a brief smile, appreciating the way she always tried to lighten the mood, intentionally or not.

Already feeling the effects of the super stimpak, you sat up, shooing away Ben and Jamie. The dress fit you well enough, though you knew it would do a whole lot of nothing against bullets and grenades. But it was better than running around in your underwear. Grabbing your pistol, you turned to everyone and nodded. “I'm ready. We better get moving.”

---

“Are you going to tell me what really happened?”

You were sharing a bed again, up in the loft of Dr. Marius’ house. Kira's snores could be heard from a cot on the ground level. Jamie and Eric went into town for a drink. It was just the two of you.

Sleep had consumed you for a few days after you arrived back at Union City. You had dreams of returning to Fort Daggerpoint, wandering the large, cavernous rooms but this time it was empty. No super mutants, no ghouls, none of your companions. It was just you, walking in complete silence, following your footsteps until you reached the door to Father’s chambers. You would never enter, you weren’t ready to face what was behind that door.

As you dreamed, your leg had healed itself fully. You weren’t sure it it was just a combination of the stimpaks and rest or if the parasite inside you was restoring your leg to near perfect condition. When you awoke that morning, you were able to walk back into town without any pain or hobbling. Everyone told you it was a miraculous recovery, but you hesitated to call it a miracle.

You slowly rolled over to face Ben. He lay on his back, chest exposed, with one arm behind his head resting on the pillow. You saw the faint outline of his scar peak over his shoulder and you wondered if he even remembered when it happened. His memories seemed incomplete at times and though he wasn’t afraid to admit it, you knew what it felt like to have a part of you that was foreign. Something you knew nothing about, but was there to remind you every day that your brain was imperfect and you were part of something beyond yourself, whether you wanted to be or not.

You continue to study him, your eyes dragging over his angular features, cascading down his chest and out to his toned arms. He was becoming an extremely adept spear thrower for someone who was kicked off the vaultball team. It was becoming harder and harder to bring to mind Vault 18, trying to imagine yourself and Ben sitting a table in the diner in the atrium or remembering the faces of your siblings when they were playing card games or recalling the way you felt when you showed Dr. Rossman a terminal you hacked. That wasn’t your reality anymore. The dry San Bernardino dunes, the uncanny red ferns in Black Bear Forest, the war between the raiders, the Enclave, the super mutants, and the NCR--those were your reality now. This was your reality. Sharing your bed with this man who you trusted without a doubt, who believed in you when you didn’t, who was ready to follow you into the sunset without a word. You both had seen and lived though unspeakable horrors but to share a moment like this--vulnerable, exposed, uncertain--was comforting and human. It was something to keep you going.

Ben deserved the truth.

“The super mutants wanted me. That’s why we went to Fort Daggerpoint. The NCR knowingly hand-delivered me to them.”

“Jameson?”

You nodded.

He just closed his eyes, his breathing was slow and steady, but the clenched fist behind his head betrayed his anger.

“Why?”

This was your only uncertainty. Ben had expressed to you his feelings about super mutants or demons, as he called them. Repressing his memories for so long only made the pain of remembering his childhood escape from the super mutants that much more potent. They killed his friends and family, they took away his home, his freedom. He was lucky to escape with his life. You were afraid to tell him that you were a super mutant. This parasite made you one of them and it was something you couldn’t deny anymore.

You could feel it in your throat first. The burn of the tears as they welled up out of your eyes and silently slid down your face. It was difficult to go back there. You were already there every time you went to sleep, aimlessly wandering. But you didn’t want to remember how it felt when you woke up inside the glass chamber, how cold the metal was under feet as you were beckoned into the vat of FEV, the lidless stares of the super mutants as they watched you, so proud of what you were about to become. You wanted to throw up, to crumple to the ground and wail until you awoke from this nightmare. But you had to keep going. To tell dumb jokes with Kira again, to discuss alcoholic beverages of the Wasteland with Eric again, to shop for guns with Jamie again, to be near Ben again, to hear his voice, to be close to him, to share everything with him.

What scared you even more than remembering the Fissure of Sorrow, was upsetting Ben, losing his trust, becoming strangers.

“I…” You sniffled, your nose accommodating the wetness of your eyes.

Ben’s hand that wasn’t behind his head slid underneath the blankets until it found your hand, enclosing it within an iron grip. “Don’t cry.” It wasn’t an order. He never demanded anything from you. It was a reassurance. You didn’t need to cry because everything was okay. Everything will always be okay.

Relief rushed over you, forcing a small laugh out of your mouth. Even just small gestures like holding your hand eased your worries. You didn’t feel like everything was closing in on you. It grounded you to the present, the unyielding now. It gave you the strength and confidence to continue.

“The super mutants in Fort Daggerpoint, they’re in a cult. The Father wanted me because I have a parasite inside me. If I come into contact with FEV, I will become the perfect super mutant, capable of becoming the progenitor of new generation of super mutants. I escaped before their plans were fully realized.” You felt years pass, the words slowly coming out of your mouth, your whispers permeating the air. But you felt lighter.

The silence stretched on for a while, your hand clutching Ben’s as hard as he was clutching yours. “They will have to go through us if they want you.”

---

Continuing to support the NCR felt like the worst decision you had ever made. They tried to sell you out to prevent the super mutant uprising in the valley, but here you were and nobody could leave Union City without running into a patrol of super mutants and bellringers. They couldn’t ignore it anymore but above everyone else living in this valley, they were the only ones who could possibly stop the threat.

So you nodded in silence as General Silverman blabbered on about killing the raider king, wondering if he was really any better than that slave-loving bastard. Wondering if he would make the same mistake twice.

---

You all snuck in together with the help of Wilco Wilson. But you were the one who slipped into the mines, found Juan Maxon-Elsdragon, and let your plasma pistol do the talking. You didn’t let him say anything, you didn’t let anyone around him say anything. It was get in, get out. No heroic speeches about comeuppance, about getting what he deserved for all the people he tortured. As the life left his eyes, as you cradled a bullet wound on your arm from one of his bodyguards, you wondered briefly if it would really end here. His daughter would have something to say about her father’s death. But your thoughts stopped there. The NCR could deal with the fallout of their actions.

As you jumped back into Wilco’s wagon, you sat next to Jamie. You stared in front of you, letting her look at your wound, asking Eric for a bandage or a stimpak, Kira waving her hand in front of your face, asking how it went. You just nodded, a fake smile trying to work its way onto your face. “It went fine.”

Your eyes flashed over to Ben who stared openly at you, a mixture of concern and frustration flashing through his eyes.

[violetgamesjournal-blog]

A somewhat serious Doom 2016 review

I'm not the biggest fan of the Doom franchise. I never played the second or third game, and all I've played of the original was the first couple levels of some port. Not even sure which. So I don't think it will come as a surprise that when Bethesda was doing their big reveal on the stage, I was MUCH more pumped about the next installment in the Fallout series than I was about the reboot who's last game was met with very mixed reviews. It wasn't until months later, after hearing the endless good things about this game that I finally decided to cave in and give the damn game a go. So, you might say, what the hell (yes, hell will be referenced plenty in this piece) did I think of it.

Well, if I'm to start with anything, it has to be the games brilliant intro. No story, no exposition, no bullshit. We awake on some sort of altar while the hopeless husks of what once used to be men approach us. Doom guy breaks free of the altar, gets up, picks up a gun that for some reason is just laying on the floor right there aaaaand game play. Shoot the ugly demon things in the face and move on. You will notice that to be happening a lit in this game. From there we move to the next room, killing more demons as new ones are being introduced, finding new guns, hidden items and the occasional story bit. And that's about it.

Well, okay, there is more to each individual piece of this, obviously. So game play. As I said, there really isn't much variety to it. The basic concept revolves around you entering a room or otherwise open area, jump around and kill a bunch of demons (to the games credit, the maps do offer a lot of verticality, making for some interesting shooting action) until the place is empty and move on to the next corridor. Rinse and repeat. You are encouraged to explore each bit of the map, as there is a lot of secrets to be found, many of each could be considered necessary as they do aid you. The game does try to spice things up by offering variety both with the guns available to you as well as the beasts you go against. The guns range from the well known shotgun to rocket launcher to even the loved BFG (fairly underwhelming in this games, in my opinion, although to its credit, it really is a Big Fucking Gun) and coupled with the various mods you can find as secrets for many of them they do play very differently, though I did find myself gravitating to about 3 weapons by the end of the game unless I was out of ammo. The demons have quiet some variety too. The husks I mentioned at the beginning become nothing more but cannon fodder by the end as faster, stronger and bigger uglies rear their heads for you to shoot off. Though I must say I felt there really wasn't enough in the way bosses. In fact, I'd say you don't really get a boss until the last quarter of the game, and even then its underwhelming.

One feature I was very skeptical about are the glory kills. When you deal enough damage to a foe, they get staggered for a few seconds, allowing you to get close and with a single button begin a gory, juicy animation depicting you destroying said demon in one of many ways and rewarding you with health, ammo and with the right unlockable, armor. Sounds sweet, yes, but it does break up the fast paced game play. I have come to realize, however, that said break up is not only beneficial, but I would argue even integral to the games flow. Everyone knows the Doom franchise is known for being fast paced, and the newest one is fast. VERY fast. Sometimes too fast even, you can get overwhelmed. The occasional breather you get from a glory kill is much appreciated. That being said, even though there is a huge amount of these animations, they still start feeling repetitive after a while, and considering how often you'll be seeing them, it's certainly something to have in mind.

I've mentioned secrets, and oh boy are there lots. Some are by no means essential, like data pads which give you some insight into the world you're in or the little doom guy figurines (of which I, regrettably, only found 2 throughout the entire game) but most I would argue you should arguably try to find. Said must have unlockables will allow you to get more out of your weapons or even give your character various passive abilities, one of which basically makes it easier for you to FIND said secrets! (pro tip: Go for that one). I wish I knew that earlier, because by the time I figured that out, I was over halfway through the game and I was starting to get really annoyed by the games difficulty.

Which brings me to my next point. What is it with games nowadays and difficulty levels that are all over the place? Is that, like, some weird trend? Am I getting old. Well, regardless of what it is, I don't like it. The games switches between being so easy I wanna yawn to having me play through the same room 34, 4 or even 7 times! And it's not like it's a gradual ramp up in difficulty, it keep alternating between the two! This might seem like im nitpicking but that coupled with my next point really ended up killing the game for me after a while. That second issue is the games length. Now, I don't know how long older games in the series are, but this one certainly overstays its welcome. By the last quarter of the game I kept thing “Oh okay, I did this, so this must be the end right? Nope! But now surely... Naah! What about now? No fuck you stop asking.” I just wanted the damn thing to END so I could move on to the next game without the lingering guilt and shame of an unfinished game, I have enough things to get depressed over, I would appreciate if games for the most part strayed from that.  The story kept dragging on even though it could have ended much earlier, and the “twist ending” was so obvious I could see it coming from the first time I heard another characters voice. Not that Doom Guy himself is very talkative.

Oh, story. Right. It's a thing. Well... It's okay. Without spoiling anything, a big company started mining energy from hell. One of the company's employees went mad and decided to open a permanent gateway to hell so that demons could overtake the world. You were found in hell earlier and were now awaken as you were described in some hellish runes as the only thing who could fight these things. Also, the head of the company is a genius-turned-3-meter-tall robot, so there's that. There is a lot of hidden lore you can find, and its definitely cool to dig into, but the main plot itself does sadly get fairly stale.

I'm torn. I enjoyed the game greatly and blowing demon brains up felt exhilarating!.. For about 3 or 4 hours. The rest felt like an absolute slog and, for all the praise I want to give the game, if you're impatient of have a decent backlog to get through, I would say you shouldn't be in too much of a hurry to play this game. For a few hours or a quick play here and there though? Yeah, It's pretty damn fantastic!