#it’s why i dont really befriend many people on tumblr anymore

[s4-mask]

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[rosehvney]

               ♡ . *    have  you  seen  AMORA  ‘AMI’  IZUMI  around  campus   ?   i  hear  they’re  a  FOURTH  YEAR,  SPRING  witch  with  a  specialty  in  ASTROLOGY.  i  almost  never  see  them  without  their  HUMMINGBIRD.  if  they  ever  want  to  be  a  MATCHMAKER  someday  they  should  ease  up  on  being  FICKLE  &  LOFTY.  at  least  you  can  say  they’re  COQUETTISH  &  INTREPID,  too. 

               hey,  hey  !!!   i’m  diana,  aka  ur  resident  girl  group  stan ASJSJSJ  i’m  twenty,  use  she/her  pronouns,  and  reside  in  the  est  timezone   !!    this  is  super  late  but  here  i  am,  finally  introducing   ...   loona   !!!   jk,  under  the  cut  u  can  read  abt  my  lil  spring  witch  amora.  i  was  kind  of  winging  it  the  whole  time  so  i  apologize  if  it  seems  all  over  the  place  but  pls ...  i’m  a libra  i’m  a  little  dumb  it’s  my  nature.  forgive  me   !!   i  can't  wait  to  plot  AKSKSK  let  me  kno  if  u  prefer  discord,  if  not  tumblr  im's  work  fine !!!

♡ . *    𝒔𝒕𝒂𝒕𝒊𝒔𝒕𝒊𝒄𝒔    !

full  name :  amora izumi

nickname(s)  :  ami

zodiac  :  gemini  sun,  libra  moon   (  click  )

sexuality  :  bisexual

alignment  :  chaotic  good

pinterest  :  click

♡ . *    𝒃𝒂𝒄𝒌𝒈𝒓𝒐𝒖𝒏𝒅    !

amora’s  mother  was  a  spring  witch  and  her  father  was  a  summer  witch.  to  their  delight,  ami  was  born  a  spring  witch  just  like  her  mother.  however,  ami  would  later  realize  this  was  not  as  good  as  it  seemed

her  mother  was  a  midwife  and  she  wanted  nothing  more  than  for  amora  to  follow  in  her  footsteps.  unfortunately,  amora  never  had  any  interest  in midwifery

during  amora’s  teen  years,  her  parents  started  arguing  frequently  about  the  direction  they  wanted  amora  to  go  in.  her  mother  was  set  on  midwifery,  but  her  father  understood  the  importance  of  choosing  your  own  future.  aside  from  arguing  about  amora,  her  parents  stopped  seeing  eye  to  eye  on  many  other  things  as  well,  and  eventually  they  split  up

amora  did  not  handle  her  parents  split  well.  mostly,  she  blamed  herself.  she  feels  like  if  she  had  just  pursued  midwifery  like  her  mother  had  wanted,  none  of  this  would  have  happened

after  the  split,  she  had  to  live  with  her  disapproving  mother.  her  father  not  only  moved  out,  but  he  moved  to  a  different  city  to  be  around  some  of  his  family.  this  kind  of  broke  her  heart  a  lil.  she  saw  it  more  as  her  father  trying  to  stay  far  away  from  her

so,  amora  continued  living  with  her  mom  who  continued  to  disapprove  of  her  choices.  for  a  while,  she  wasn’t  sure  what  she  wanted  to  do.  however,  after  her  parents  divorce,  she  became  especially  interested  in  matchmaking

she  figured  since  she  drove  her  parents  apart,  she  could  redeem  herself  by  bringing  others  together.  she  quickly  became  obsessed  with  the  idea  of  love

amora  more  recently  found  out  her  father  remarried  and  started  a  new  family.  she  doesn’t  really  speak  to  him  much  anymore,  so  the  idea  that  he  is  present  in  the  lives  of  his  new  family  hurts  her  a  lot.  but  in  the  end,  she  still  blames  herself  for  driving  her  father  away

so,  amora  has  a  father  she  barely  sees  and  a  mother  who  continues  to  try  to  micro-manage  her  life  and  make  a  carbon  copy  of  herself  out  of  her  daughter

♡ . *    𝒑𝒆𝒓𝒔𝒐𝒏𝒂𝒍𝒊𝒕𝒚    !

amora  is  extremely  extroverted.  she  is  a  social  butterfly  and  will  try  to  befriend  anyone  with  a  pulse

she  is  a  little  bit  of  a  people  pleaser.  after  her  dad,  she’s  really  scared  of  being  abandoned,  which  is  why  she  lowkey  seeks  approval  from  others  :(

she  can  sometimes  appear  to  be  a  little  bit  full  of  herself.  she  tries  2  play  off  her  insecurities  by  having  an  ‘i’m  the  best’  attitude  akdjksdjh 

like  i  said,  she  loves  love   !!!   she  gets  crushes  easily,  but  also  loses  attention  fast  because  they  mostly  tend  to  be  superficial  crushes.  typical  air  sign  behavior

kinda  bouncing  off  the  last  one,  she  loves  2  flirt   !!!   she  loves  flirting  with  her  friends,  the  barista  at  the  cafe,  the  girl  sitting  alone  in  the  library,  literally  anyone  and  everyone.  this  has  gotten  her  into  some  trouble  in  the  past  (   when  she  accidentally  flirted  with  one  of  her  professors  during  office  hours   )

a  loyal  friend   !!!!   values  her  friends  more  than  anything  else  in  the  world.  even  though  she  likely  has  a  large  circle  of  friends,  she  wouldn’t  necessarily  consider  them  all  to  be  her  close  friends.  she  would  still  do  anything  for  them,  though

she  is  an  extremely  curious  and  restless  spirit   !!!   she  is  dying  to  see  the  world  and  uncover  all  of  its  secrets.  always  up  for  an  adventure  no  matter  the  risks

loves  to  party  and  have  fun   !!

♡ . *    𝒘𝒂𝒏𝒕𝒆𝒅  𝒄𝒐𝒏𝒏𝒆𝒄𝒕𝒊𝒐𝒏𝒔    !

partner  in  crime  -  someone  who  always  goes   along  with  her  antics.  someone  who  she  bounces  off  of  and  they  do  dumb  /  fun  shit  together   !!!

ex-fling/gf/bf -  there  could  b  more  than  one  of  these   !!!    they  could  have  ended  on  bad  terms  or  good  terms,  still  have  lingering  feels  or  tension  or  maybe  they  remained  friends  !!!   we  can  plot  this  however  

unrequited  crush -  maybe  she  has  a  crush  on  ur  muse,  whether  it’s  a  deep  crush  or  a  more  surface  level  crush.  OR  ur  muse  could  have  a  crush  on  her  and  maybe  she’s  oblivious  to  it   !!!

requited  crush  -  speaks  for  itself,  but  our  muses  have  crushes  on  each  other   !!!  maybe  it  isn’t  super  serious,  or  maybe  it  is

will they,  won’t  they  -  there’s  feelings  between  them,  but  maybe  the  timing  has  always  been  off.  they  want  to  explore  whatever  they  have,  but  maybe  they’re  scared

current fling/friends  w  benefits -  someone  she  is  currently  seeing.  could  be  no  strings  attached,  or  there  could  b  some  feelings  there.  maybe  they  don’t  want  to  make  it  anything  serious,  or  maybe  they’re  ready  to  take  it  to  the  next  level.  maybe  one  person  is  ready  to  go  further,  and  the  other  isn’t.

enemies  w  benefits  -  imagine  the  tension   !!!   they  started  out  hating  each  other  but  ended  up  hooking  up.  maybe  it  was  a  one  time  thing,  or  maybe  they  can’t  stop  going  back  to  each  other.  maybe  they  keep  it  a  secret  and  don’t  want  anyone  else  to  know.  this  could  develop  in  soooo  many  ways  pls  this  is  so  sexy  !!!!

party  buddies  -  they  always  go  to  parties  together.  maybe  they  don’t  see  each  other  outside  of  parties,  maybe  they  met  at  a  party  and  became  close  friends  afterwards

roommates  -  self  explanatory,  but  they  live  together   !!!   maybe  they  get  along  really  well,  or  maybe  they  have  some  issues

ex-friends  -  someone  she  used  to  consider  a  best/close  friend,  but  they  had  a  falling  out  for  whatever  reason  n  maybe  they  strongly  dislike  each  other  now.  maybe  they  want  to  re-kindle  their  friendship  but  don’t  know  how

sibling-like friendship  -  someone  she  sees  like  a  sibling.  they’re  there  for  each  other  and  look  out  for  one  another,  always  have  each  other’s  backs

dynamic  duo  -  ride  or  dies.  platonic  soulmates   !!  this  person  is  prob  one  of  the  closest  people  to  her  and  knows  her  very  well   !    they  could  b  a  power  duo,  always  looking  out  for  each  other

take  care  -  someone  who  looks  after  her  when  she  drinks  to  much   !!!   someone  who  keeps  her  out  of  trouble  when  she’s  drunk  and  feeling  a  little  reckless.  she  trusts  them  and  might  feel  like  she  owes  them

confidant  -  someone  who  confides  in  her  or  someone  she  confides  in,  or  they  confide  in  each  other.  they  don’t  necessarily  have  to  be  the  closest  friends  ever,  but  they  get  along,  trust  each  other,  and  maybe  they  talk  more  in  private

rivals  -  they  don’t  like  each  other  for  whatever  reason,  which  we  can  plot. maybe  it’s  jealousy  or  their  personalities  just  clash,  but  for  whatever  reason  they  do  not  get  along.  maybe  they  bring  out  a  bad  side  to  her  that  most  people  dont  see

frenemies  -  they’re  friends,  but  maybe  they’re  always  trying  to  one  up  each  other.  they  might  gossip  behind  each  other’s  backs

bad  influence  -  someone  who  is  a  bad  influence  on  her.  she  isn’t  a  goody-goody  but  she  definitely  holds  herself  back  from  doing  anything  too  crazy.  i’d  love  for  someone  to  be  a  bad  influence  on  her  and  get  her  to  do  or  try  things  she  normally  wouldn’t

this  is  all  for  now,  but  i  should  probably  make  a  plots  page  eventually   !!!

[balizardsnakething]

TW DRAMA AND ME ACTING ON MY EMOTIONS CAUSE OF THIS POST 

Granted I did post this after sending her an apology and I’m glad I now have official confirmation that she has seen said apology. The very fact that I have sent an apology means that I had got over the situation and just didn’t care about it anymore. I also tagged @toomanyfamdom because we thought it was ✨funny✨ and have gotten over the situation (unlike some). 

It should also be noted that I haven’t had any contact with Maddy since everything that happened and at least had the decency to send an apology and move on. Also, for the record, I had nothing to do with that list of toxicity. That list was put together and shown to me by my friends. I then continued to FORWARD THE SAME MESSAGE to Maddy because I disagreed with the list. 

Let’s see, shall we? Up first on the list of hell that I had nothing to do with (and disagree with) there is... “inconsiderate of time zones and peoples family life.” This eventually turned out to be accurate, not just for me but for many others. Madison would organise events like DnD games at UNGODLY hours in the morning (because she is in American time zones) and when us British people were unable to turn up she would kick them from the game and then proceed to shame their character for an hour. Granted her uncle did pass (im very sorry for your loss), but that had nothing to do with anything. Many of us (including myself) helped Maddy and were there for her, and I have plenty of messages to prove it. 

ANOTHER thing to do with time is when I was added to one of the greatest Instagram group chats in the world! However, my sleep was abruptly ruined when Maddy group-called the chat at 4am because she wanted to play Minecraft with a friend. Please direct call next time... thanks. 

Whilst on the subject of time family life, one of the most memorable things this girl did was shame me and attack me on one of the discord servers we were both on. What made this even worse was that I had an audition for a London West End theatre school which had the power to change my LIFE. And Maddy knew this and also knew that it was worrying me and that I was extremely stressed about it. You may say ‘oh, it's just a coincidence’. If you believe that please explain why said post tagged everyone and was posted 5 mins before my audition. Maddy knew this would stress me out, I spoke about the audition and my ability to read into things many times before and she knew this would get to me! A lot of the things Maddy did were petty shit, but then again, that’s who she is. 

Next up is... “shows blatant favouritism.” Well, it’s no surprise Maddy has so many friends! But which ones does she actually care about? My friends and I witness this first hand on many occasions, one of which being another DnD game where she was the dungeon master. Maddy made the turn order by (and I quote’, “the order is in who I love the most.” This caused some of us to feel a little uncomfortable, but we continued until Maddy put each character on a path to different destinations and explained which each path was. By the time it got to me, my dyspraxia/dyslexia couldn't hold the information, and I asked Maddy to explain them all again. Maddy agreed and but then ended with, “You just used up you go, Charley.” I was so confused! Apparently, explanations waste a turn??? But this was fine by me until Maddy explained the destinations to another player, but this time, she let them choose where they wanted to go instead of keeping them on the bench, awaiting their turn. Maddy would also allow people to have longer goes/round claiming that there was more to their story. My turn would be around 2mins where someone else would be 5. Again, petty shit which still happens to make people upset. 

Note: It was not just me who felt this way! Many others slid into my dms because they felt upset with how Maddy treated others but not themselves. 

Up next is, “making your best friend feel like shit for making a joke”. Another reminder, this list wasn’t written by me, it was written by my friend who was watching from the outside. And this is very true. I would often make jokes with people about Donald Trump and America because their laws and president (not anymore) were stupid. This always seemed to annoy Maddy and hurt her feelings. I would often make a throwaway comment but end up feeling bad about it because Maddy would leave the call. I always felt like I was walking on thin ice with her because if I said something even remotely controversial, she would not speak to me and leave the call. This really hurt me because I cared about my friends a heck of a lot and never wanted to ruin any relationships with them. I would send countless messages to Maddy, apologising and crying to her, telling her not to be mad at me. THAT 👏🏻 IS 👏🏻 A 👏🏻 TOXIC 👏🏻 RELATIONSHIP 👏🏻 One joke shouldn’t be the be-all and end-all of a friendship,, but that is what It always felt like! Also, Maddy never specified it was a trigger until recently, and even after she did say it was a trigger, I held back so she could feel comfortable. 

The final thing is: “made you feel bad for your emotions.” Madison needs to learn that EVERYONE IS DIFFERENT and that people deal with things in different ways. Not everyone is smart, sensitive or skinny like she is. Whenever anyone hurt my friends, I would lash out and act upon my emotions because I didn’t know what else to do. This is something Maddy heavily criticised me for and something that eventually resulted in me listening to high-frequency sounds so I could get rid of my emotions and feel numb. My logic was that I didn’t want to hurt anyone ever again by jumping the gun and acting upon emotion. But thanks to others, I was pulled out of that loop, and I’ve learnt to use logic and reason as well as emotion. 

As for “breaking my heart”. Yes. Our friendship ending did hurt me, a lot. Just like everything with you, it is very one-sided. I was reaching out, listening and trying to help Maddy repair relationships with people whom she’d hurt. We both said equally bad things which made the ‘relationship’ toxic, and I would just like to point out that the name, ‘evil Maddy’ is cringe and I’m ashamed I was ever friends with you considering you used that in a callout post. /hj

---------------

Sarcasm aside, ima be real here because I am not afraid to tell my side of the story. So, @ thenameisnoone / Maddy. Here is a long-ass response to the post you made about me. xx

Look, I’m not going to call you out or use Politics_notmything to cancel you because I’m not like that. I’m an actual good person who really tried with Maddy and dis my best to change myself to make her feel comfortable. I left a group chat with all my friends for a week and blamed it on ‘family issues’ because I didn’t want to make her feel uncomfortable. I made an entire Birthday PowerPoint for her, which included some of my best and favourite bootlegs. I made a genuine effort, but Maddy didn't really do anything else but tell me to “calm down” or “not throw everything away and give in to anger or despair and calm down until you can think rationally and make a logical decision”. 

And I’m glad I actually saw this because this is a classic Maddy move. She argues with people, builds up a situation then removes/blocks them, so they cant see everything she’s saying about them (i have proof of this from a server im in.) It has happened before, and she manipulated people into believing her side of the story. 

“I am allowed to block people who lie to me about serious topics even though they have trust issues which makes them unable, to tell the truth, if it hurts them. I am allowed to talk to people who blow up on me before hearing my side of things where they would have realised what they thought is wrong even though I dont get back to people until 3am and decide to leave them on delivered/read for days at a time when I am happily talking in other servers. I am allowed to block people who accuse me of shit-talking them with my friends who I introduced them to (and I never do that) when I have only defended them and said friends genuinely were being nice to them even if they have proof. I am allowed to block people. Period.” - Maddy 

And I’m not saying Maddy isn't allowed to block people. It’s a free world. Im just defending myself :) 

Granted, Maddy did defend me and say that this situation shouldn’t change anyone opinions on me, and I can say the same. Just because I had a terrible experience with Maddy, doesn’t mean she is a bad person and I encourage anyone online who loves women’s’ history and WATT to befriend her. 

But being honest, she did also call me a bitch on a Tumblr callout post, so I had to come and write this all down for safekeeping and reblogging purposes. Im not a bitch, and that is why I’m not using my following to cancel her. But anyway,  we both had some shit experiences with each other so you can read this and make up your own mind even though I did back her up with the previous call-out post, sent her my support, apologised and didn’t block her when she was at a bad time in her life or when she needed help. If anyone has a problem with me posting this, please contact me via DM. 

Sorry, not sorry ‘bout what I said. I’m just tired of your petty shit.

[lunasaturnine]

Vienna and cultural trauma

WOW so cool to sign into tumblr and see 99+ notifications, and think “oh a post got some attention,” but it’s actually just general attention!

My astro blog is ready for some action! Or maybe ppl are just bored bc of the quarantine. Either way, it would be cool to write.

I want to write about VIENNA.

I just took a course about somatic healing of trauma and it gave me a good overview of how trauma recovery works. Chapter 1 of trauma recovery is gathering resources. Chapter 2 is dipping or oscillating back into the memory, whether it’s a clear memory or just something held hidden in your body, with your new resources, and allowing circles to complete. Chapter 3 is being bigger bigger brighter in the world !!! (It’s a nice course, it’s on somatopia.com, it costs $40 if you have that to throw around, it’s like 2 hours of videos of a nice man talking in a soothing voice in intelligent language about healing from trauma)

Now I’m thinking about cultural trauma and Vienna. I have long felt that helping to heal the Hitler wound of Vienna is one of my soul’s major dharmic thrusts. So I googled “healing cultural trauma” and most resources out there talk about the trauma of the victim culture. That kind of trauma is totally different, because it recommends amplifying the traditions and greatnesses of the culture, and when you’re a cultural perpetrator of violence, amplifying the greatness of your culture is a trigger because cultural superiority is what lead your culture to be violent. But there are still a lot of resources with a lot of valuable information. I’ve only skimmed a couple things so far and it seems like one thing people emphasize in cultural healing is human connectedness.

The internet is a little hard to navigate on this topic, but I found an NYT editorial called “I loved my grandmother but she was a Nazi.” The author’s sweet grandma was literally a Nazi but she was a nice person who didn’t hate Jews. When the author talked to her about it, she would deflect. “He said a lot of things, I didn’t listen to them all” and “I was caught up in my own life” etc. The author says, that’s bullshit, there’s something she’s avoiding, and I can’t understand what it is or why she’s doing it, and I’m hesitant to say this because it might seem like I’m trying to forgive Naziism but I’m really just trying to understand who I look at when I look at my grandmother. It’s the most direct address of the West’s Nazi wound that I’ve found in my two and a half minutes of searching on google and I think it’s on the nose.

In the readmore are my more concrete thoughts on potential resources for Western/German/Viennese healing, and thoughts about what working through phase 2 would look like for a perpetrator culture.

Resources

On this reddit post:

https://www.reddit.com/r/history/comments/5nfqwp/my_grandmother_grew_up_in_nazi_germany/

there are some resources. First of all, 1. there are people from diverse backgrounds respective to WWII, coming together and talking as equals in the same kind of “room.” The descendants of the persecuted and the persecutors are together and they are not enemies. The knowledge, and SOMATIC FEELING EXPERIENCE, of that, can be  a resource. I am typing over this brusquely and that’s Mercury magic for you and you should know that I just burst into sobs. That in just a couple of generations, the grandsons and daughters of enemies can be together and not hate each other and even love each other is an immense resource and can be leaned into at any point. There is a vast well of cultural relief available here. My tears are thankful, grateful tears, tears of relief. I am thinking of the parks in vienna that are holocaust memorial parks. I am thinking of that horrible statue out in front of the Albertina that is a memorial to cultural violence but at the same time, also represents the trapped soul of the Perpetrator culture, since we are all One. In the same way that a piece of music which opens with a terrifying chord represents both the terror experienced by the terrorized, and the menace of the terrorizer, AND THE FEELINGS IN THE terrorizer that caused them to generate this chord... off on a tangent, and I’m not sobbing anymore! That was crazy. I have a tendency to lock my feelings up, but being alone in this house and in this quarantine, I can open up locked wells of feeling like that.

That resource is IMMENSE, and it’s RIGHT in front of our faces all the time. I took a class on 20th century germany in undergrad, and the professor was a young guy with a Nazi grandfather, well I’m not sure if he was a Nazi but he was a German soldier, and he remarked on it. And I think at the time I thought “how lovely” but if you sit with that feeling, it’s deep as hell. And if you sit with it from the perspective of a penitent perpetrator, it’s REALLY FUCKING DEEP.

So that’s available. Im gonna post this real quick as a way of saving the draft but I have more ideas.

Okay. Continuing,

Resource 2 also from reddit post

The top respondent says his German POW uncle had a British GF. That’s similar to the first resource, but more immediate. I’m sure there are lots of stories like that. Intercultural experience that nullifies certain tensions

Resource 3 also from reddit post

The stories of people who did do the right thing... maybe. I dont know. I’ll get off this post soon but it’s interesting. Idk if this counts as a resource, it’s kind of a tangent, but the more I learn about karma and trans-life inheritance of it, the more it seems true that it really is better to die living in line with your beliefs than to live safely. Like the person in Pweuy’s post. That father died but his karma was pristine as far as this was concerned and perpetrator trauma did not cling to him.

ok jesus this is an interesting post... the girl skipping over the river of blood as it trickled out of the asylum... the hitler youth boy befriending a lamb and the nazis slaughtering it in front of him... the russian soldier who guarded the german girl because she reminded him of her daughter...

Okay. Before I go on, I want to clarify that I am not specifically talking about people who held Nazi beliefs in their core. There is a special type of perpetrator injury that is specific to that kind of thing, true villains and terrorists. I’m talking more about “ordinary Germans” who didn’t think very hard and got swept along, moderate supporters to moderate resisters. As a culture, they were moved by the tides into Naziism. They have culpability, but not the exact same kind of culpability as perpetrator people. The culture moved to perpetrate these crimes, and they were a part of that culture. That’s the specific kind of wound I’m interested in healing. There is a poster on that page whose grandma really loved Hitler...

Ok! I spent a lot of my energy in that page, now its 10PM and I still have veggies to prepare. I need energy for this next thing I was going to talk about.

Resource 4 - this one specific coffee shop

I’m putting *s in its name because I like this blog anonymous. P*****n is a coffee shop in Vienna that is the only happy place I went. There were places that were ok... and fine... maybe pleasant... but this place was American levels of happy. Waiters danced around and were actually relaxed and happy. P*****n’s theme is intergenerational communication. It hires grandmothers to work behind the counter, and make pies, and you’re supposed to buy a slice of their pie and talk to them a bit. And then the waiters are young, and they communicate with the Omas. And the Omas are maybe not old enough to have been Nazis but their parents were.

They also include a bit in all their menus about intergenerational dialogue and wondering what more they can do and how they can be more of a space for it.

I had MANY genuinely pleasant little experiences there... and I think that little space that some person with a vision made, is a blossoming flowerpot with lots of healing energy where true dialogue could happen. So that could be a resource too. The happiness of that place. In fact, these conversations could happen there.

But I wouldn’t want to break the space. The course I just took talked about titration, which is just accessing a TINY part of the traumatic memory, so you don’t get overwhelmed. This is a very icy fucked up conversation for a lot of people. My Viennese friend told me to talk more quietly about it than I was. Actually I did talk about it there with some people! The German girl was surprised that I thought Vienna had a wound. So was the Irish girl actually. For other people it’s really evident. My Viennese friend. D**n. Rf: “it’s ALL I feel when I am there.” ME. God that conversation was sooo gentle and sweet and light. The Irish girl was wondering if she should move to Vienna or stay in Barcelona, and the three of us talked about Vienna nd it was SOOOOO LOVELY, holy BALLS.

But even if we don’t hold conversations there exactly, that could be a really good place for conversation to start. I could reach out to the people who run the shop to ask them about it. And then maybe conversations could happen in other places (don’t want to spoil the sweetness of the shop).

Resource 5 - personal as I investigate maybe not really a resource - but yes maybe it is a resource: Grounded, comfortable people who are Viennese, and who understand the goals and also understand the sensitivities of Viennese people more than I do; 

Resource 6 - people who are experts at cultural healing in victim cultures

Resource 7 - fostering dialogue between those two parties, also me.

Again I’m really playing fast and loose with the idea of resources. Maybe. We’re starting to move into phase 2, also, because with this dialogue, I want to open up some scripts for how to TITRATE sensitively.

phase 2

For instance, notice that I didn’t say something like “Remembering Vienna’s amazing heritage of incredible music that has the power to redeem and heal equal to and more accessibly than religions.” I think it’s true that Viennese music is a major healing resource (BEETHOVENSCHUBERTMOZARSKLTBSLJRTHBLEWSKJNS:OFDFD), but since it is bound up in Viennese identity, that notion is complex. Also, it’s not only that Viennese identity is nasty because it’s nazi and therefore that gives Schubert etc a dark tint, but also, the grand things that Vienna has contributed to western culture are now a part of Vienna’s current wound of degradation, cheapification, and humiliation by TOURISM. although I will say that I think Resource 8 should be MY OWN deep internalization of the healing power of Viennese music. Posting again to save...

...not only does that music help me be healed, but it also helps me understand healing process in the specific language of the culture i’m interested in

okay.  Phase 2. 

A picture of what I think sorta needs to happen

I think Omas that say “It was just a lot of talk, we ignored it” and “I was busy in my life”... I think what needs to happen for a perp culture is for them to actually own their part in the villainy, to claim it and stand in it and feel the pain, and say “I’m SORRY, this was HORRIBLE, I AM SORRY.” THIS WILL ALLOW THEM TO BECOME NEW!!!!!!!

That’s a v different healing process from like native american healing etc.

I really think somatic approach is a better road in than cognitive because, god, imagine cognizing all of this HORRIBLE SIN bit by bit knowing your culture perpetrated it and not having anyone to blame it on. Jesus.

How might the process of getting there look?

This is vague especially now that I don’t have that burst of energy. Conversations...

Here’s a question. After resource gathering.

“Knowing that bells rang for Hitler in Vienna, how does it feel to be Viennese?” IN YOUR BODY?

Damn THAT’S GOOD! THAT’S THE FUNDAMENTAL QUESTION. How does it feel to be Viennese? The goal is for it to feel OK.

Um, speaking specifically about Wiener trauma and their welcoming of Hitler, a few years ago, I read this in some guidebook, Vienna’s government acknowledged that they welcomed Hitler and that they were wrong, and investigating that is important for my mission. It’s cool because 1. it’s a Big Ol Step and 2. it lays groundwork for all of this.

Step 3 is really beautiful to think about. In the course I took, it’s where the instructor got out of his soothing calm neutral demeanor and started speaking passionately and bursting with smiles.

In addition to being able to be more firmly grounded in their own individual and cultural identities...

Okay, so, I’m drawn to this because I’m drawn to it, punkt. That’s all. But also, and I think I’m really late on the uptake here, I think I was due in Vienna many years ago, I think that whatever work I do in Vienna is helpful for the echoes of Naziism in today’s world, such as Trumpism (which does not...exactly... have the same kinds of premises but uses a lot of the same kinds of mecahnisms) and actual brazen nationalism, white supremicism, and far right movements. Hitler is a LOUD and REVERBERANT figure in our history for this kind of energy, and if we can do healing surrounding him, re-discovering resilience in the moderates, helping them go through the emotional journey they need to go through, they will be a beautiful resonant horn call from the past, a solid core of NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! that will strengthen the culture of the entire FUCKING world.

Music will be a part of it.

I have always loved Vienna, and I can’t really analyze it. I love it like a girlfriend. I know she’s problematic. And she can be really really horrible.

The wound is deep. The horribleness, the life negating quality not only of the FUCKING WRETCHED SHOP CLERKS, but also of the WAY -- THINGS -- HAPPEN, of the overall weird ass SPIRIT in Vienna, is... God DAMN WHY do I like that city so much? It’s bizarre. It’s very pervasive. I don’t enjoy experiencing it, I don’t think it’s attractive, I don’t like it. I love Vienna THROUGH that wound. I REALLY LOVE Vienna. That’s one of the clearest things that I know in my heart. I love Vienna... and that’s the whole story. It’s one of the easiest things for me to say.

Lots of people love a city. We do it for reasons. I think our hearts are drawn where they are drawn because we are attracted to healing the specific karmas of places. The karma of my hometown is mainly racial, with native american underneath. The coffee shop that is equivalent to P*****n serves often as a place of racial conversation and healing. It is actually pretty amazing. And once there was a white supremacist with a gun there and he stood up on a table and let people see his gun. He didn’t yell or anything. But that vital thing happened there in that coffee shop.

Excuse me I also love coffee shops and Vienna is the land of coffee shops.

Okay. I love Vienna! I literally love Vienna, with my heart. I love Vienna.

One last thing. I’m saving then editing...

The postscript: A major resource, and it kinda sidesteps some things, is language. It will be much better if German is spoken in these conversations. When I went to Vienna last, I didn’t prepare my German because when I went to Vienna first, everyone spoke English and it was simply easier to speak English all the time, so I figured I wouldn’t try to give the illusion and disappoint. But lo... the native people really, really resent it if you don’t even try to speak German. They actually seem to experience it as an injury. It is wild, if you’re not expecting it.

ALL OVER VIENNA I saw the Graffiti stamp/brand, “Tourism is terrorism.” 

When I was in the airport and the cute customs dudes asked me the purpose of my visit, I said “TOURISM” and they laughed. That was fun. But it was a lie. I was a pilgrim. I... know I was a tourist, technically. But I felt such hatred for the tourists standing like apes in front of the Schubert statue in the Stadtpark. Their wretched selfie smiles plastered on top of the emptiness of their experience. My purpose in Vienna had nothing in common with theirs. And I claim that I didn’t do a lot of the tourist things - not many museums or concerts or whatever.

One of my more pleasant memories was going into a used book shop and asking about a book in the window, a German-language edition of the tao te ching from 1923 (a very strange time). I asked in English. The clerk was confused and asked if I spoke German, and I answered in German that I spoke some German, but was learning, and knew the TTC very well, and that it’s simply usually easier to speak in English. I might have used imperfect German, but I felt dignified and natural doing it.

Ok, not only the German language, but the quiet Viennese demeanor of Scorpiness. Scorpscorpscorpscorp. Quiet, observant, emotional, and responsive to gentle tenderness and consideration, and traumatized by brashness. 

Both the spoken language, and the language of the demeanor, I think are somatic approaches that sidestep cognitive...things and make the culture feel unconsciously accepted and open.

On my first trip I learned howwwwww AMERICAN I was, and then on my second trip I opened myself up to my inner Wiener and was quiet and scorpy, and I felt warmth emerge from the people and city in response. It felt really right, and it felt like i was honoring...her, and it felt um sort of romantic. ha 

[rniamnobodyimportant-blog]

I have no where else to say this

I'm brand new to tumblr, and I intend to stay a stranger to it. However, I have something to say and on all other platforms, people know me. I dont want anyone to know me for this story, and I know that nobody will see this anyways... I just want to put this information somewhere else.

It's near the end of 2017, I was about to turn 17 in two days. At this time, I lived in Washington and I'm going through my usual feed on my goto app. I see a post some stranger made, I comment, they comment, we start chatting. It's a girl. I thought we would talk this one day and we wouldn't talk again. She messages me again, to my surprise. I have a new friend :)

It's been about a few days after my birthday. I'm 17, shes 18. She lives in California, about an hour and a half from my mom. We sent each other a pic to know what we look like. I'm ugly, as usual. I see her for the first time and....... shes ugly too. I think shes ugly, but that's okay because I can befriend a girl without catching feelings!

She is really nice. She wants to hear about how I'm doing and we send each other memes. I'm into darker or shit post stuff and shes more wholesome and silly, it works out though. We both like Marvel movies. She has a job, in college, talented with a variety of instruments. I worked in an unpaid internship, in senior year of high school, talented in nothing special. We get to learn about each other more, I see more pictures of her when she wants to know how she looks, shes still ugly but those glasses are adorable and her hair is fun. When I waited for the bus after my internship, we got to call and her voice sounded cute and her music made me smile. Oh wait oh no what am I thinking!

We got into conversation once about relationships. She told me about her online relationships that fell apart when they stopped talking to her or disappeared and how she was never in a real one and how she was desperate. I opened up about my experiences with other girls, and my long distance relationship (my ex left me for some fuck boy) and how I couldn't trust long distance. And I talk about how I've stopped being confident after that and never got with anyone since...

I start asking myself, "do I like her?" I can't, shes not that pretty, and she lives states away, and I'll only get heart broken because no one would ever date me anymore. But everytime she talks about finding a guy she likes, I get a bit depressed. And everytime whichever guy she was into stands her up or ghosts her, I get mad about those terrible guys who led her on. But I can't tell her I have feelings because I don't know if I really do or if I'm just lonely and I figured that she wouldn't reciprocate those feelings and I didnt want to ruin our friendship, as she was basically my best friend by this time.

We know each other pretty well by the end of my high school year, and she congratulates me when I graduate. Always there when I had problems, makes me laugh, makes me smile, I dont feel lonely anymore. I wait for her next message, and shes always busy with school and work and homework and practice with her saxophone and concerts (shes in band) but she ALWAYS found time to tell me good morning, good night, and much more. Shes an important part of my life. I try very hard to convince myself that I don't like her, but I always think about her and smile right before I fall asleep.

I want to see her. The best way to do that is to go to California, of course. I figured that if I had feelings when seeing her in person, then I really was into her. I'm graduated, my college plan fell apart, and I wanted to get away from my dad. I also wanted to hang out with her because she always lost friends she made, and she was usually alone. I flipped a coin, it said to move to Cali. Unbelievably, I do so. I'm now in California!

I talk to her about meeting me, she says that she wants to, but shes always so busy and I'm broke. She doesnt seem to make much of an effort to try and see me anyways...

My birthday has already passed again, it's been a year, I'm 18, shes 19. But she makes a friend, one in her band class who doesnt have many friends either. Hes 17. They spend time together, and she talks about him often. They get along well and spend time together. THEN she asks me if it's weird to get feelings for someone younger than her (she already told me that she thought it was weird before, but I guess shes about to get feelings for someone younger). I dont know what to say, I'm flustered. The answer would be no, it's not weird, because I think that's true. But if I say that it's not weird, she'll obviously get feelings for him. I want to say it is weird, but then that would mean it was weird to date me. I cant tell her that it's okay because I find it very hard to ruin my own dismal chances. She wanted my HONEST opinion.

I didnt know who to talk to. She was my goto friend for everything. I could also say nothing, where she would ask someone else who would say it was okay. Or I could tell her the truth. My honest thoughts. Everything. I could tell her everything I've ever felt and why I wanted to see her and what dilemma she had just placed me in. I flipped a coin for that one... the coin said to tell her everything...

So I did. I told her my feelings for her. The whole story. But she didnt have the same feelings for me. She doesn't. This was a few days ago. I thought I would be fine, since I still considered myself undecided on her. I wasn't fine. My heart broke and the pieces are heavy, I feel empty and life feels pointless. She tried to make me go to sleep happy, but that was in vain.

She doesn't know it, but I cried. I cried myself to sleep since then. I thought i wasnt going to do it today, but she accidentally let slip about their first official date today.

What the fuck is wrong with me? Why am I crying over this beautiful, ugly girl? What do I do now? She once told me that in my current situation, I should convince the girl that I'm better than the other guy but I'm not better. She should be happy with him. Hes closer and they probably have more in common. I dont know what to do anymore. I don't want to feel these things, I never did. Crying was never part of the plan. I was never supposed to feel anything for her. Shes the only person i talk to.

[mysticorigamipaper-mcl]

honestly the worst part about kentin´s arc is how much hate he is getting, i get most ppl already dont like him but now is fucking ridiculous i literally cannot go to his tag on a normal episode without reading "how awful" he is but now is worst,i just want to see cute fanart! I hate the tumblr mcl fandom, the hispanic fandom will make fun of things and even say they dont like a character but it never overflows with negativity (ik im super annoying but i need to vent and have no friends)

*hugs* You have a friend in me anon. You’re not being annoying, and venting can help one feel a little better. I’m sorry to hear there’s more negativity towards Kentin and his fans. And I also realized a while back there was little positivity towards him in the tumblr fandom. I try to give all the boys some attention through posts and fan art on my blog to share with all fans, but I noticed Kentin receives the least. It’s actually hard to find good/cute content with him in it. Though Kentin may not be my favorite personally, I can see why others like him, and it’s a shame there isn’t more material available. Not to mention that anyone who seems to voice that they like him receive so much hate in return and are shamed for their personal interest in his character/route. It must be absolutely frustrating.

Yes, after the latest episode Kentin is getting more hate than usual. But I think part of it is more towards his attitude change in the recent events since we met Evan. And his behavior towards strangers and women in general. I mean, he and Evan were acting the same, if not worse than Dake when he was always harassing Candy. Treating a girl/woman or anyone the way they did to Candy and Rosa in this episode is something very relatable in the real world. It’s unacceptable, uncomfortable and upsetting behavior. That’s why people are more angry than usual. His attitude is something a lot of us face. There are guys that actually act like this, and it may be triggering many who have experienced such attitudes in real life.

Apart from that, this is how I see his situation. Evan was Kentin’s role model and surrogate big brother in military school. Not only did Evan defend Kentin from bullies, he apparently gave him confidence and molded Kentin, transforming him while he was there.

And Kentin seems to be very grateful for what Evan has done for him. When Kentin returns to Sweet Amoris, no one recognizes him. Thanks to this, his first plan of action is get back at Amber by stealing her first kiss (her not knowing he was the nerd she used to bully) and then telling her she’s a bad kisser, in an attempt to lower her ego/self esteem. He even smashed her new cell phone. He wasn’t about to let anyone bully him anymore. And he wanted that made clear through Amber. If your Candy was mean to him before military school, he is cold towards you. If you were nice, he’s nice towards you when he returns.

Once he’s back, he befriends Armin and Alexy and no one seems to bother or bully him. He becomes more relaxed and doesn’t try so hard to put on the tough guy act. He becomes a sweet guy again (as long as your Candy is nice to him), just slightly more mature as he’s not stalking Candy anymore like a lovesick puppy. I think with the absence of Evan and the other boys, Kentin wasn’t fired up and influenced to act the way he did in military school where you had to act tough, macho and not allow anyone walk all over you. But later, I think he started feeling out of place at Sweet Amoris, if not alone. Though he clicked right away with Armin and Alexy, Armin started becoming more of a friend towards Nathaniel. Alexy has a crush on Kentin but they don’t hang out a lot, if at all these days. And he doesn’t seem to be getting along with any of the other guys, or any of the girls in his class, apart from the few conversations we’ve seen him have with Lysander or while our Candy is present in his route. Then, for those on his route, even when he finally gets to date his long time crush and kiss her, his confidence in himself and his self esteem appears to continue to dwindle. First Candy wants to hide their relationship from everyone as soon they officially become a couple (Kentin more than likely thought she was embarrassed or ashamed to be seen with him as his girlfriend) and it hurt him deeply. Then at the party during spin the bottle, Kentin became upset when another guy tries to kiss Candy on a dare and claims Candy doesn’t realize how beautiful/wonderful she is and how could other guys NOT be interested in her. I think him witnessing that and becoming more aware of that reality seriously made him question if he was good enough for Candy, if he was manly enough, if he was the kind of guy she wanted to be with. Again, his level of confidence drops.

Once Evan returns, Kentin is suddenly brought back to his military school days, and that macho attitude kicks in like Pavlov’s dogs to a dinner bell. Kentin suddenly feels like he’s brimming with confidence with his old buddy back at his side, and admires/mimics Evan to a horrifying degree. Kentin becomes so overconfident that he shifts into an arrogant, rude person. Notice how he talks back to everyone and becomes disrespectful towards Candy and the other classmates, as well as the teachers. He thinks that this new confidence makes it so no one messes with him, that no one will try to walk all over him again.

Be that as it may, I think he’s distancing himself from everyone. Putting up a wall. Making sure no one approaches him. Not even his own girlfriend. Because he’s hiding so many insecurities and fears. He has no identity. No self worth. No friends. He doesn’t have much of a father figure since his dad is gone a lot, and therefore no male figure to look up to or learn from. Until Evan came along. Evan was everything Kentin thought a man should be. Strong, confident and assertive. And because Kentin became so grateful of Evan’s support, he failed to notice Evan’s flaws. Arrogant, harassing, even delinquent like. Kentin becomes blind to Evan’s and his own behavior and makes excuses or gets defensive when people call him out on it. He gets upset when people tell him Evan is a bad influence. But to Kentin, Evan was the only person who ever seemed to be there for him when no one else was. It’s why he tries so hard to defend Evan and his actions. And as a result, Kentin becomes the very type of person he hates without knowing it. And he doesn’t want to see it.

He’s scared…he’s alone…he’s frustrated…he’s completely lost. That’s a dangerous and self destructive combination. And until Kentin accepts who he really is, learns to truly be himself or figures out what he can become/wants to become on his own, without the influence of anyone but himself, he’ll continue to have this identity crisis. I just hope for his sake, that will come about on some serious self reflection in the next episode.

[pennylane4321]

17, 39

17 Talk about someone you want to be friends with

Im not sure if you meant someone id like to be friends with irl or on tumblr so i assume it’s about real life. There are not many people id like to befriend atm but i used to be a little too much into one of my classmates two years ago idk why tho it came out unexpectedly. Like all of a sudden i started to obsess a lot over this person i really needed to be friends with them but im so over them now so i dont care what they think about me anymore

39 Talk about things you wish you'd known earlier

Honestly i wish i had known earlier about all the Shitty Stuff my dad did to his family and my mom before i was born. I mean there are plenty of stories my mom was not able to tell me when i was younger bc i wouldn’t have understood but now im older i realize he’s always been such a nasty and mean fuk to everyone. As long as my mom knows he’s never had any friends bc of his bad temper and bitterness. No one can put up with his temper tbh not even his own family but oh whaaaale no one can choose their parents

Sorry i felt like venting lol thanks for the ask duuuude

[ts-indonesia]

Episode 1 - "Time to put on a bra and take some selfies." - Leigh

Episode 1 saw eighteen players, some fresh faces, and some veterans arrive on the Indonesia beaches, ready to play and ready to win. On a somewhat quiet Obor tribe, Leigh/Trent bonded over the age difference on the tribe (with a cunning plan reliant on using the word ‘lit’) and Anabel/Trent begun to form a bond that would survive the test of time.

On the Cahaya tribe, Matt/Jess feared the casting of one another, and Julian arrived plucky and ready to avoid another prejury experience, determined to improve. Owen/Stoner quickly formed HOS 22: Bermuda, and set to work spreading their connections across the tribe, forming at trio with Julian.

After a decisive victory in the Scavenger Hunt, it was revealed the returnees would have to send two returnees to the other tribe as “infiltrators” casting a sole vote. In an attempt to force the result, Julian went “offline”, in an attempt seen-through by his fellow tribe mates, but one that was ultimately successful, with Owen & Julian sent over as infiltrators.

At Obor’s tribal council, Evan quickly emerged as an easy vote, for his minimal challenge contribution. Two key alliances formed, a newbie majority alliance of Trent/Chris O/Leigh/Anabel/Lorelei and a girls’ alliance of Lorelei/Anabel/Leigh, with Anabel armed with an idol to boot.

As expected, Evan was sent out unanimously, but not before Julian trashed on the Cahaya tribe during tribal council... in a tribal seen... by the Cahaya tribe. With Evan out, the torches still inspiring such hate, and the infiltrators returning... that drew round one to a close.

MATT

first confessional give me idol? 

also hi Jones

OWEN

okay so im walking onto the boat.... my hair is thinning, my skin is getting wrinkly, im ancient at this point. nonetheless im back for like the sixth time. or seventh, honestly who can keep track anymore. i see these like cute little new people. ANABEL's vid is AMAZING gay icon, lorelei legend likes pokemon mystery dungeon,  Leigh is near chicago, like... i literally love all these new players but then i realize NONE OF THEM WILL BE ON MY TRIBE SKADSFJH. instead? im stuck with crazy ppl. there's julian who i voted out premerge in the season I won, and Matt who was in my most recent season nnn but NOT the matt I worked with in that game. and of all people CHRIS STONER LMAO. to be fair, chris isn't that bad bc I know he'll work with me hopefully but also I know he's a good player and wouldn't hesitate to cut me out. thank god olivia and jess are here tbh. omg and just when I thought it couldn't get any worse.....a furry shows up. WHAT THE FUCKKKKKK lmao I remember foxx back from the old old days and he seems scary :(((( good news is julian said him and isaac haven't ever gotten along and that isaac has voted him out twice :') so that might be good. and i'm fairly sure stoner and jess would have my back rn i just need to talk more to them. but for real, as soon as there's a swap or something if I survive that long? bye bye returnees :) i dont see myself getting very attached to anyone at the start so ill just do my best to ride out this beginning and maybe have some fun

LEIGH

I'm looking forward to seeing how long our tribe chat is just "Hey *Tribe Member's Name*!" 

I think it could go on a while.

OWEN

chris: ditching u for the other stoner tho chris: tumblr needs an all stoner f2... 7:23 PM me: thats ok im ditching u for the gay girl from the first post me: but for now? u and me <3 7:23 PM chris: deal stoner and I rlly did speak this into existence....... it'll happen

LEIGH

So this tribe has literal children on it. 15, 16 years old. I might have to backstab ACTUAL CHILDREN!  How do I even fit in with them? Trent suggested we could buy fidget spinners.  I said maybe yoga pants and a crop top?  There are people here BORN AFTER 9/11!!!  What the fuck I didn't even know you could be born after 9/11 and be out of kindergarten. What year is it?

EVAN

Just met some other castaways, they seem pretty chill.

FOXX

What's up. So this fox has returned after an eternity of a hiatus with more grey in his muzzle and hopefully some self-awareness to go with it. I played some pretty solid games in the past but after taking a long time lurking and sort of forgetting Tumblr Survivor Crooks asked if I wanted to play despite not knowing I have played before. That's how old and irrelevant of a has-been I am. Back from the dead. I'm glad my star has faded and I can go in with a blank slate. My biggest concern is that I am not on my anxiety medication so my social interactions, especially on call, will be a lot more stilted and I'm terrified this will impair my judgment but we'll see. Right now I'm not trying to come off as a huge strategist. I made an intentionally crappy intro video, made fun of myself, and just tried to be funny without coming off too weird/desperate etc. Almost like I'm not taking this too seriously. However, already I'm noticing a patterns in how people on my tribe are. I have no fucking clue who these mammals are. People will have extensive conversations about people, twists, running jokes, etc and I'm totally lost. That hiatus really did fuck with my ability to ingratiate myself with this community. That will be a huuuuge advantage coming to dealing with the newbies since I can leverage that to not seem so threatening but right now I think I'm doing a fair job being friendly and making people laugh. I hope. God. So my thoughts on my tribemates thus far: Stoner: Vaguely know who this guy is. Aptly named. He's clearly blazed as hell but I can tell he's bright and likable. Says "oh shit" a lot and he seems like depsite his facade he's probably someone I can work with. Isaac: We talked about Overwatch a bit and he seems nice but he's not coming on my radar too strong. Jess: Definitely made a fairly strong impression on me since we're similar ages, Francophone, and we bonded over our mutual detest and hatred of furries and then I calmly sneak in the fact I am a furry an hour later and holy shit I was trying so hard to not bust into tears. She's funny and likable and seems like she's someone I could work with. Matt: Talked a bit about me coming back. Very little in group call. Michael: Talked a fair amount about D&D and made some fun Upside Down jokes. Seems like we have a lot in common but him being a different time zone could prove hard to keep up with. Being the outlier on Time Zones is playing on Hard Mode. Olivia: Love her! We bonded over animals and she seems like a total sweetheart and I definitely wanna share pics of my cat with her some more! Owen: We talked a bit about literature and it was fun. Definitely seems intelligent and he's someone I know a bit about from Olympics. In an ideal world I'd want to work with Stoner, Jess, Olivia, & Michael but everything in on fire. Also, no luck on the idol so fuck me I guess

JESS

So... first night has been interesting? I was going to do your typical "first impressions" confessional but... FOXXX or whatever the fury's name is.... is playing too hard too fast. Am I being a Paranoid Patty and reading this the WRONG WAY entirely? Possibly. HOWEVER... It's been less than 5 hours since we were thrown into this hell hole of a game (The hosts are lovely individuals but we all know this is about to get insane) and he's telling me if I want to make a move that he's my guy? Ummm.... WE HAVEN'T EVEN GOTTEN OUR FIRST IMMUNITY YET? I'M NOT THINKING MOVES RIGHT NOW? I BARELY CAN REMEMBER YOUR NAME!

MICHAEL

https://youtu.be/Swisjdq1R4s

OLIVIA

Have I befriended a furry???????? Is this real life????? Is he actually a furry or just really in deep on this joke? Why are there so many Dylans in orgs? Also fucking goddamnit I like EVERYONE HERE I just wanna be friends with all y’all damn. All of the newbies are so adorable and seem so excited and unknowing to the pain that’s gonna come :’) Annabelle especially like my wig flew with that intro! I wanna meet them all. Also wtf is with the torches I WANNA KNOW ALREADY! Anyways that’s all I’m excited for this season. Owen and I renewed the o alliance :-) and Jess seems cool as hell I really clicked with her and the furry. Michael seems sweet and I already know Julian from Mykonos, the absolute crackhead. Real sweetie tho hopefully we’re friends. I hope I’m not coming off as too insane I was so nervous on the phone call with the tribe :( it was so fun but I felt like every time I said something it fell flat I felt so awkward abhhhhhahshsjaj. Anyhoo yay! New season!

Should I write the rest of my confessionals in japanese? Neko. Boom

JESS

So coming into this game with a TS under my belt is different... I still have no expectations whatsoever BUT I do know how HARD people go for in these games and I'm planning to go just as hard. The first night was wild. Everyone on my tribe except for Matt and Julian were lively on the tribe call. Everyone seemed pretty cool and super... out there.. I think Isaac might be the one to watch on my tribe. He's been around the block and knows most people on my tribe (new and old). WHICH IS WHY.. I'm going to try my best and get super close to him. I need to make sure I'm not disposable to these "older players" and as asset to these "newer" players. I just know need to cool my jets on the whole socializing bit in the main chat (Yes I know it's literally day 1). I want to be as irrelevant as possible so no one thinks I'm a threat but no one really wants to get rid of me either. Gotta focus on those INDIVIDUAL RELATIONSHIPS. Hopefully these other players with more TS's under their belts become bigger shields than me because if not... yikes on yikes.

ROB

I like everyone so far. Evan is giving me a few red flags because he’s only giving me one word answers, so i might take that into consideration when voting.

FOXX

We had a very fun group call with the tribe last night. Definitely haven’t laughed that much in a while. Love my tribe thus far so I hope we can keep the good vibes going. Jess & Stoner are people I feel like have talked with me the most Nd Olivia, Owen, & Michael are also friendly so I think I have options. One thing I’ve noticed is how casual and sociable this tribe is. Nothing is more frustrating than a tribe full of overserious gamebots (*cough* Selwyn *cough*) but it’s a group of funny and chill people. It’s gonna be a great game!

OLIVIA

I love these hosts 🙂 HATE the idol system but honestly it doesn’t change much I’ve never gotten an idol before and probably never will so it won’t change my gameplay lmao

I like Isaac a lot too! Forgot to say. But I’m also a little wary of him because I know he’s very experienced

JULIAN

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PKDvx7VxRC8

ANABEL

well. yesterday i found an idol on my second guess. and made two new friends. so yesterday was great. today was bad. i outed myself. my mom heard me tell my eyebrow lady that i was gay. this is a sad confessional and i wish i wasn’t so loud. im real fucking sad. sorry. but at least i have an idol and some friends.

LEIGH

Time to put on a bra and take some selfies.

I'm glad I shaved today for that tattoo selfie.

OLIVIA

There’s an alliance I’m not in isn’t there

Why am I so FUCKING awkward

ANABEL

im so fucking good at survivor like... good lord. trent and i are like best friends already (see, i knew this would happen, i always meet a nice old usually straight man and we become friends, it's like the hallmark of my survivor experiences) and we came up w a plan where i am gonna try and seduce evan and rob and make them my lil minions so im gonna lie to them and tell them that im a cheerleader bc that's hot right?? so ya my womanly charms will be utilized to their fullest potential. go me.

MICHAEL

https://youtu.be/aAqEUHoyy78

LEIGH

Can we talk about how bullshit it is to have "Lipstick in your tribe's color" when we're yellow and they're RED?  Honest to god might as well have "Lemon in your tribe's color" to make it fair.

Alex coming in with bold capslock "MAKE SURE EVERYONE ON YOUR TEAM HAS SUBMITTED AT LEAST ONE THING" ... Just DM Evan directly my dude.

OLIVIA

Feeling much better about this game today than I was last night I think I was just spiraling 🥰 we’re doing really well on the challenge and I hope we win!! Two people messaged me saying I’m doing great on the challenge and idk how to respond. Just tryna make sure we don’t lose I will NOT be the first vote out. Newbies go hard on scavenger hunts but I go even harder 😈

LORELEI

Ok so! I'm super bummed that obor lost the challenge, I really thought we would win! Now we have to get rid of someone and it sucks but I feel like we all know who it has to be. It's not even personal, it's just the fairest thing and the best thing for our tribe. Also, alliances are forming! I like Anabel, Leigh and Trent so I'm with them but I'm gonna try to connect with everyone so I'm not on the outskirts. I hope that the boys haven't formed an all boys alliance bc if they have, then the girls could be in danger. That's it for now!

STONER

guess I’ll follow Alex crook’s rules... https://youtu.be/ndsfCdjtcQI

Not much, about to sleep! https://youtu.be/v12a2AbklVw

MICHAEL

https://youtu.be/4inKBNkg87M

JESS

It's 2:30am so WHY NOT post ANOTHER confessional? Am I right? Honestly, we won which I'm BEYOND THANKFUL for. I hate tribal and I can now at least say I wasn't first boot. THANK GAGA. I'm just really trying to solidify things with Michael right now. I think out of everyone on my current tribe I can honestly see myself making a run at this game with him (at least up until merge). I offered him the prospect of sharing idol clues (it's literally the only collateral I have at the moment) so hopefully this doesn't bite me in the fucking ass. Other than Michael I was kind of hoping to somehow get closer to both Julian and Matt (plot twist I know). Matt has hosted me before and it's no secret he is a founding father of the "I Hate Jess" Club. However, these two seem to be the odd men out right now. They aren't overly socializing with people so there's a high chance they'll be taken out if our current tribe loses. HOWEVER.. I see potential numbers in them. So I can't let that happen. As of right now both Foxx and Stoner seem to be the ones to watch out for. I just can't let them think or know... that I know that about them. Stoner gives me mega "I say the same things to everyone" vibes. He's clearly playing a strong social game so far. I just need to play dumb and ensure that he thinks he can control/trust me. Honestly, as soon as he doesn't see value in me I have no doubt he's gonna cut me. Foxx on the other hand, just seems like he's playing too hard. He's another guy who I strongly believe is going to drop me as soon as I have no value to him. I'm just going to have to have to lay low and be dumb. Owen scares me shitless. He's giving me PTSD from my last season because homeboy is playing a strong contender game. He's definitely a pick to win. He's another person who I'm going to have to try and pretend I'm under their spell. Am I playing too hard too fast? I'm not entirely sure. I'm just going to slow my role a bit and see what happens

MATT

What’s Up? WHAT’S UP?!?!?!?  how dare you ask me such a ludicrous question.  Alright so first real general confessional of the game here.  I wanna eventually try and record some video confessionals, but that’s if i have the time. but for today, we’re good with a text.   So starting off the game on the Cahaya Tribe, which consists of entirely returnees.  So right off the bat it makes nervous bc i’m really not around much in the community.  Yeah i’m in a few VL’s and i played once before, but i really don’t know anyone.  So being the odd one out for that reason was a real fear for a little bit. Looking at my tribe, there are a few names that stood out the most to me.  Owen stood out bc we both played Kuwait, and even tho we never met each other, we still have that little connection.  Chris motherfucking Stoner is here too!!  Chris is such a chill dude.  we played together once before and i voted him out pre swap.  But that game was so long ago, and i really don’t think he cares (i know i dont).  So i’m looking forward to reconnecting with him.  Jess is also here!! Jess and I had met previously because i hosted her in Celestial Komnata, and we had some rough misunderstandings there.  But months have passed and I know that I am well over it bc i frankly don’t care.  But i feel like she still probably cares which will not be good for me. Michael was the last person that stood out to me.  Not because I know him, or know of him.  But because he’s the only Non-North American in the cast, which means if i can stay up late and socialize with him, he might favor me over other When i looked at the other tribe, i think the only person i know is Anabel?  We played together once, i hosted her, so we have somewhat of a connection that if we swap together, i hope that works in my favor.   So on the first night of the game, i was very busy with Celestial All stars premiere, so i didn’t get to talk as much as i would’ve liked.  which resulted in me telling jones on call like 5 times that i’m gonna be first boot.  But the first night, i talked with everyone (to some degree) except Issac bc i forgot Issac was here.   The torch twist thing i have no idea what it’s going to be and it worries me.  My first thought is that it somehow would result in a third tribe bc there were six torches.  so someone would light a torch and be placed on that tribe. But it’s too early to figure out what they even mean and i’m sure as the game progresses.  

LEIGH

Woooo so what's happened.  Well, we lost the challenge and it wasn't even close. I haven't looked at the spreadsheet to see the final scores but I feel like Me, Trent, and Anabell did the most work.  I talked to a few people last night and put Evan's name out there cuz I know most people are too scared to say a name first and I feel comfortable enough about my position to be the one to say a name that most people should agree with. A mutual alliance formed between me, Chris, Trent, Anabell, and Lorelei.  Within it, an all girls 3 alliance formed which I'm super happy to be part of.  I'm sure Trent will be paranoid about that sooner or later so hopefully Chris and I can make him feel confident.  Trent is sharing idol guesses with me so I'm hoping that means I'm like the closest person to him right now.  I like the number of options I have so far. 

I feel like Facebook might be falling out of style so maybe these youngin's don't even have it or aren't familiar with Facebook ORGs.  The only other people here who know my history as far as I know are Foxx and Chris, and I hope neither of them bring it up. If I can stay UTR that'd be nice.  Also, I think I need to stop capitalizing letters/using punctuation if I wanna fit in with these kids.  Did I already confessionalize that? Not sure.

Apparently Lorelei missed the HII thing day one haha oh well. I'm compiling guesses from me, Chris, and Trent. Hopefully I'll get them from the girls too. I'm not showing the girls' guesses to Chris though. I don't think he'll be mad at me for it. We gotta play close to the vest sometimes yo

TRENT

So far I think the game is going alright. My tribe is incredibly quiet for some reason but I guess that isn't too bad. I made a connection with Anabel and Leigh pretty early on. Decided to suggestion and alliance and both we in so I added Chris and Lorelei so we had a majority. This is the alliance I wanted from the beginning. I wanted the older people to stick together and then add in one young one. I think it's a pretty solid idea. Ive been messaging both kenny and dylan as well. I don't want an alliance with them, but I would like for them to like me and want me to stay in. I also think im getting along pretty well with the two infiltrators right now. Julian was spilling all kinds of info about his tribe to me this morning and then me and owen connected really well. Hopefully this will help me in the future if there is a split soon.

OLIVIA

Jess was hinting that her, foxx, stoner, and I should get together and I said we’d make a nifty cool group. A NIFTY COOL GROUP WHAT THE FUCK IS A NIFTY COOL OLIVIA

ISAAC

This twist can become SO detrimental. And I’m so MAD Owen went over there first because that bitch is unbelievably charismatic. Hopefully it paints a bigger target on him but like it’s whatever. I like my tribe. We seem chill and I seem to vibe the most with Olivia and Jessica Messica. Foxx is cool. Julian is....Julian ig. Matt has yet to talk to me so that’s a wig ig. Michael seems nice but ngl I get kinda bored when I try to talk to him? He seems very gamebot-y which could be frightening but idk he’s not my biggest problem atm. I’m terrified of Owen - he’s unbelievably charismatic and has the ability to twist people around his finger so like I’m gonna keep my eye on him and I’m not gonna let him out of my sight. With that being said I do wanna see him live for at least a little while for meat-shield purposes. Anyways I hope I do well this game but 👀 I have a sinking feeling.

KENNY

So yeah.. it seemed like a pretty laxxed day and Evan was the vote. How true is that? Idk but I have to trust strangers. But just heard he through my name out like 20 minutes ago, with less than 3 hours to go. So I just hope everyone’s being honest 😭

OWEN

what’s up? Everything :’) I couldn’t help as much in the scav hunt as I liked because I was living my life. But thankfully we won anyways bc my tribe kicked ass! I still contributed some and I made sure to keep talking to people. I still love olivia, and matt has been fun to talk to. Don’t rlly know why but foxx seems hard to get to know. And not big into michael rn either. I think I will stick with Julian and chris, hopefully can pull in jess and olivia to do something if we lose. Chris mentioned that both him and jess DO like foxx so we will see.... The main thing is that this twist worked out perfectly for me!!!! I couldn’t call when we were decided and I REALLY wanted to go. Thankfully I was able to take advantage of the majority vote thing and pretend like I wasn’t online hehe and by some miracle I got picked to go. MEANT TO BEEE and let me say I was right, I do love this tribe so much more than my own for some reason. Trent is great, Annabel and I are talking like I wanted, the Chicago girl and the Pokémon mystery dungeon girl. It’s so good over here, but the biggest surprise has been chris o. I really like him and could see myself working well with him if we swap. The only thing is that Julian said he was sketchy sometimes..... hehe so down the road I might have to tell chris o that Julian is after him :~) but I don’t need to snake too hard yet, for right now I’m a crocodile lookin like a log. Vote should be easy on Evan from what I’ve heard but if it changes? I’ll be living for the drama!

LORELEI

It looks like Evan is the consensus. I feel really bad though because it's not his fault. He tried to plead his case with me by saying that he wasn't the only one that was inactive, but that doesn't change the fact that he contributed the least. I know it's the fair thing to do but I feel bad about it. Voting out people is so not fun, I really hope we win the next challenge so I won't have to do this again.

EVAN

I’m pretty sure I’m fucked. I’ve been trying to get people to vote Kenny but idk fuck

KENNY

“I know I’M voting Evan = I might be voting Evan but I know others are voting you”. Or am I being paranoid

JULIAN

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GaH8l2R-Xt0

MATT

i feel like i did pretty good on the scavenger hunt.  i managed to scoop up a bunch of items that were left over and some that were high points.  so i do feel good about my performance and think i pulled my weight.  Speaking of pulling weight...Julian is...there.  I think he only submitted one item which was the Vine.  I mean i get you have work and are busy, but like...most of us were the same?  even issac who was celebrating his birthday did more.   after challenge results we got on call in the tribe chat (olivia, chris, michael, myself). and we were talking about the infiltrator twist and the challenge results.  We agreed to have myself and Olivia go, but we needed 5 for a majority.  Julian shows up and says he “might wanna go tbh”.  and then disappears.  We’re on call laughing bc we wanna submit this and not randomize it, so someone who isn’t here gets forced to go.  BUT JULIAN won’t talk in tribechat even tho we’re all like, “hey we’ll take turns and you can go next time.”. but no.  Julian is only talking in olivia’s pm’s and she’s telling us whatever he’s saying. eventually the hour is up, and julian got randomized to go.  that fucker strong armed us into randomizing and he still went god damnit.   I think that call was good for my game because we were just chatting for like 1.5 hours about the game stuff and people.  After michael/chris left the call it was just Olivia and myself on call and we stayed on for another hour and a half(????? ish??? probably less i can’t remember).  But that was a nice call and i think helped start to solidify a bond.  Olivia is someone i can see myself working with in this game.  Same goes for Michael and Chris.  I feel like that call group was pretty natural and we got along really well.  I’m too nervous to initiate any kind of alliance talk, but i know it’s gonna have to happen eventually.  i’m sure alliances already exist on the tribe and i’m obviously not in them.  I think for starters, i need to work on conversations a bit more, because they are somewhat weak right now.  My goal for the future is to work on olivia, michael, chris and owen.  Those are the people i feel most good about.  Foxx is cool but idk it seems hard to gel with them.  Julian is cracked and i hope he’s our first boot.  and the four of us on call forgot issac was on the tribe so that’s not good for him. i think i’m in a decent position for now, but i’m not gonna count my chickens before they hatch (i think that’s the saying idfk)

[eyes-like-honey]

This day. This day you looked so beautiful. You looked like an angel. An angel that I never wanted to leave. I probably don't deserve you. I'm an evil person. Everyone likes to remind me of that. I've done the most fucked up shit. But I've only done it out of love. The love I wish I could get back but never do. Everyday it seems like your feelings towards me seem to fade more and more. And everyday it gets harder, more and more. I miss passionatly staring into your eyes. I miss the tight hugs I give you, that turned into slow dancing rocking back and forth in our dark living room. The ones the filled me with love I want to have forever. I hope you go back and read the pages of messages I sent you. When you use to look at me a different way. The things I told you, the things I wanted you to know; of why you should be with me. I know words don't mean much to you;and actions do. And I could do a million things for you. But I can't. It's not fair. He has a car. He can get you flowers. He can get all this shit to make love potions to make you fall in love with him again. But I can't. All I can do is write. I use to write all this stuff for myself. To the only person i trusted. But then I began to trust you. And now here I am writing away. I hope you read this. Because I will delete it after today. And I hope you do look at this tumblr everyday. Because i will post things. Things that are hard for me to write. And i probably will delete. I want you so bad. I know I'm crazy. And I know it's cheezy as fuck. But I'm crazy about you. For real. Your the most beautiful and perfect creature I've ever seen. Your laugh fills me up with so much emotions I can't explain. When you stare back I have to look away. Because Its like staring into the eyes of an angel. It's hard to have and hug everything you've ever wanted. And then the next day not being able to hold it. It feels like a cruel game. I fuck up so much shit and i really don't want to fuck this up. But my emotions take over. The only problem I have right now. Is that I can't be with you. Joseph is a gaint barrier I can't break down because I don't want to lose either of you. My phone is full of your pictures and videos. And i look at them everyday. Every fucking day. They're frozen moments of times that make me so happy. When your smiling. When your happy to be with me. And I like to think they're moments of happiness caused by only me. Moments of frozen times where we're both filled with pure happiness. Even this tumblr. I made it because it'll be on the internet forever. Even if it gets deleted. You can go on the dark web and see it. I want the memories of you and I to be forever. And if your not here anymore. Or if Im not here anymore. We can look back at this and remember what could of been. Even if it takes 30 years. And we don't even talk I want you to see this. See what could have been. What a relationship with someone crazy over you could of been. How crazy happy your life could be. The way I act. I acted for you. I never want to hurt you. Even if it feels like you've hurt me. I say shit that I shouldn't. But like I said. I tell you everything. Because that's what you want. That's why I'm writing this. Everything is falling apart. And it's because of joseph. He's here. Always. He's here Always watching. Always when I'm at work. Your alone with him. He tells you things about me. He tells you things to blur your vision of the future and to think of the now. I miss the old days. When we went to Dunkin donuts and get our iced coffees. Where I didn't have to say anything about our future. Where you could imagine and know how us together could be like forever. And how Joseph's and your future looked. I miss the days where we awkwardly went to stores and the mall together and people thought we were together. When you said I can say you were my girlfriend, even when we werent as close as we were today. Before I told you how many feelings I have about you. But now we havnt been hanging out alone. I dont even remember the last time we were alone. The last time I remember was when you ran away and I had to tell joseph to stay away. We were alone at the mall. But I'm pretty sure he was following us. And looking for us. We weren t really alone. But when we were there at the mall together. Even when he was iin the same mall. You were happy. We were happy. We held hands, and hugged. You posted snaps of us. And you didn't care what he saw. I miss you. I miss you so fucking much. And I want it to be like old times when we could spend time alone. I want you to remember the memories because that's all I have, because I'm not sure if I'll be able to have a future with you. And everyday it seems like it's fading more and more. That your forgetting everything we've been through before joseph tried to stop everything we had. Because he's always here. When we were alone. It was real. Real happiness. And now that we don't have real happiness. I'm losing you slowly. I don't want you to have a baby with him because he almost lost you and now he's just going to lock you down with a baby. I don't want you to see him after 9 months holding your baby awkwardly. And not being the person he tells you he'll be. If it took 3 years to finally see what he was doing to you and almost lose you. I don't think your future with him will be okay. I know you guys will have so many problems. And if your already wondering how he's going to look when he holds your baby. I feel like it's already a big red flag. I wish I could show you our future together. How perfect it could be. I wish I could do things for you. The actions and not words you want but like I said it's not fair. I can't even get a ride to the dmv. I can't go get you flowers. I can't go see you on your breaks everyday. Because I WOULD. That way you can never be alone. Guys won't come to you. And I can befriend your friends And we can all go do stuff And go out. And it wouldn't be a burden like it would be for joseph. I want to spend every second with you.i want to go to olive garden and pick up food for you without you askijng so you can eat an amazing dinner when you get home from work. I want to surpirse you with things, and do things for you at home. Like massage your back or feet. I want to take you on crazy adventures. Around tucson and road trips across the country. I want to see the world with you.Joseph can do that stuff RIGHT NOW and before and he doesnt. He can make you happy. But not pure happiness. I know I can do that. I can do that for you but if your still not choosing, joseph will shut everythijng I do with you down. Because he thinks I'm not allowed too. Seriously everything he's doing right now. Is stuff i told him to do 3 years ago. And stuff I told him right now in the middle of this shit storm to help him look good even when I'm trying to get you too. To help.him out. Now it feels like it's biting me in the ass. But it's only the basics I told him. And he's only doing the basics. I'm not basic. I will be extra. Your the girl that needs the extra. The one that need more than just a guy that loves you. You need someone to make your life the most amazing ever. Don't you want to live life happy everyday? Don't you want to brag to your friends and hair stylist/when you go to the nail salon about your bf? Don't you want girls telling you how lucky of a gf you are? How they wish they found a guy like me? I know I can do that. And I never lie to you. You are precious as fuck and I don't want to lose you ever. Because I can see our future together. Our future nights out. our future adventures. Our future wedding. Our baby. Our future house. Our future as old people. Before you I was literally nothing. No had no purpose in life. Art was just a distraction. I was waiting for my mona Lisa, the masterpiece and art I want to stare at my whole life. And you see me. Staring at you. Even when I'm not at you or your mad at me. I look at you in awe. Your not mine. But you see me amazed by you. Your personality. Your jokes. Your smile. Your stare. You tiny ears. Your laugh. I see your goals in life. I see where you want your future to be. I see everything about you. When i stare at you. And when you stare back. I see not only you. But my reflection in your big beautiful brown honey eyes. I see how all of you and how all of me can be together. And I'm forced to look away because my heart beats too fast. I start to not breathe. Because knowing I can't have it. Terrifys me. My body is trying to kill itself when we look into each other's eyes. Because it just wants to go to a place where me and you are a thing. To go to a heaven to stare at you forever. I want you to believe were soul mates. But I can't when we can't even be alone anymore.like we use to. When we had fun pretending we were bf and gf. Tonight I'll be trying to fall asleep and you'll be in the room with joseph with the door closed. Most likely going to have sex. Even though last time you had sex with joseph on acid. He said some horrible stuff about you and how you looked like to him and how it traumatized him. But when hes horny it doesn't matter who you or what you look like to him. He'll still try. And while in there. I'll be going crazy inside. I've been trying so hard to not let my emotions go crazy. But you mean everything to me. Your are the only thing I care about in this world. And when your not by my side . I go crazy. When your locked in your room with him with the door closed. It seems like you choose him and not me. Someone who destroyed what you could of had. And is picking up the pieces and your letting him super glue it all together. Rather than the guy that would NEVER let it get to that point. And when we were alone. I know you know I can make you happy forever. And its the happiness you want forever. Please for the love of god though. Don't go into his room when your on acid.ornhave sex with him. I care about you. And I hope you care about me enough to respect me. I can't tell you what to do.or how to feel. But if you know it hurts me please dont do it. I would never intentionally want to hurt you emotionally. If i knew you didn't want me to do something I would never ever do it. And even when your high. I want you to remember me. And maybe think about us. And not only him. Just because can be there and not me. Remember you said you'd rather be with me than him at the mall. Remember if he wasn't here you would choose me and not him. You even told him that to his face. I am fucking crazy. But it's a good type of crazy I swear. It's only for you. I will give you a baby today. I know I can handle everything. Unlike him. I'm mature and I've had so much more responsibility in my life than him. I pretty much raised joseph and every baby animals or toddler myself. The foster kids. 4 kids and i was more of a parent than my own mother. I quit my job for them.when my mom babysat a relatives toddler. I was always there to take care of them too. I know can be a father. And I'm crazy enough about you to be your babies father. I want to prove to you how serious I am about you. I swear to god . Choose me. I'll give you eveything youve ever wanted and more. And you won't regret it. If you choose me. I can finally show you. In just need a chance. The chance joseph got and failed.

[nakanaai]

Oh man, where do I begin?

A year ago, I officially began my presence in the Fire Emblem Fates RP community — and here I am, still here, a year later! Only those who have been around for longer than I have remember my old URL KIRAQI — but upon further deepening of Kiragi’s character, was changed to the one I have present day. It’s only been my second experience with a community on Tumblr, my first being in the Osomatsu-san fandom — and I had ditched one of my blogs in said community in favor of Kiragi.

I guess I should start with what I’m thankful for in this introduction. Honestly, there’s a LOT to be thankful for — this community’s kindness, it’s welcome, and the zeal it had ever since I joined to improve many different aspects of myself in the creative aspect. This includes my graphics, writing, musical ability — it’s endless. I joined this community with absolutely no idea how it’d work out — honestly, I thought it would be a lot like the Osomatsu-san community, where the majority of people DREW ANSWERS to asks. I was surprised to find out that the majority of the fandom used their creative writing skills for the most part. I was young — er, younger — when I made the blog, so I had no knowledge of what I was doing, other than the fact that I was here to have fun — I think that’s the most important part to when I joined. As began to roleplay more and more, new glasses were placed upon my face, and I started seeing — well, EVERYTHING differently. 

Before this gets too long, I’d like to just say thank you — to YOU. Because it’s likely that if you’re seeing this from my blog, you’re following me — you’re one of those THOUSAND followers that I have accumulated over the past year. Roleplaying is not my priority, as writing in a whole is just a hobby for me, and I always do things in the order and balance that I want — perhaps that’s selfish of me, but this community has allowed me to realize MANY things. Everyone I met was so unique and amazing, and even though I’ve only managed to fully befriend only a fraction of my followers, I cannot wait to see what’s in store for me in the future!

And — oh yes. You didn’t forget, right? Because I didn’t — I told you that I’d make a CELEBRATORY VIDEO. Now, let’s begin this long-ass bias list. | art credit !

NOTE: THIS IS KINDA LONG SO IF YOU HAVE A WRITTEN PORTION OR WANNA FIND UR URL JUST “CTRL + F + (UR URL)” smooch k thnx

@archerofmitrenzi​ / chase / big bro moist || HOOOO okay where do i begin here — I think I should just start of by saying thank you. because of all the people that i have met through this system, through this community, you’re the one that has helped me out the most emotionally — pulled me through and gave me a good slap in the spine when i needed it — and i definitely acknowledge that about you. i won’t go off rambling about how amazing i think you are, you already know that i think that, but i’d just like to remind you of it — because you’re not someone that i constantly have to validate. you’re strong like that, and i really admire that about you — you’re someone that just needs to be reminded that you’re unconditionally loved, and that is how i want to treat you. i’ll be honest, i was a little intimidated when i first met you — i had no idea what interest you had in me, or why you added me on skype. but i guess i’m just super thankful about that?? befriending you was a risk that i was willing to take — and i’m EXTREMELY glad i did. i really feel a brotherly, platonic love from you — and i’m so glad we share that. i don’t care how often or not we talk, because i’m not afraid to starting conversation with you — you’re really someone that i know wont judge me or anything.

i think that’s what i learned from you, big bro. i learned to be fearless.

@nenshori​ / yummy-chi but she’s yume to everyone else bc shes mINE?? || UMM ITS PROBABLY MORE APPROPRIATE FOR ME TO MENTION U IN A BIAS LIST FOR CHRYS BUt I dont care ur my girlfirend and i LOVE YOU?? i know you havent been around the community very much, but i respect to why you would or would not want to be here — out of fear as i know. i’ve already fallen the FUCK in love with seiji, and i absolutely love how you characterized him already — just by the conversations we have, i absolutely adore seiji. we have not even roleplayed too much, but i really fucking like your writing — it’s just so GOOD, and i really really really want to write just as good as you. your art is amazing as well, and i really think that you deserve so much more....as ur girlfriend, its my duty do this after all. so i’m going to try and make things so so so much better for you and so so so much more comfortable for you — that maybe you’ll come here and i can!!!! advocate my girlfriend!!!!!!!! bc i love you so much!!!!!!!

@pulveriizer​ / momiji || aight, i know we don’t talk too much anymore, but you really deserve to be on this list. you’ve been influential to me even now, even with our situation and how we’ve grown — we didn’t talk too much about our muses in canon, but i definitely had fun talking about the extremely fucked up despair au with you. i just didn’t need to hold back when it came to you, and i could tell you didn’t hold back with me either — and, ultimately, i think that’s what ended “us”. but i’m glad that “us” just became “you and me” — we’re both very different individuals with similar interests. and i find it extremely admirable that you still try to make conversation — I’M the lame one, and i know that. i guess i’m still just a little regretful, still just a little bit angry — but i know that  that has to change eventually. i can’t honestly comprehend it all, but i’m glad that your message is delivered in the morning and that you bid me a good day, even if nothing else is catered.

@vvintery​ / @raimented​ / nasuga / cosmo || OH COSMO... MY WHITE SINGLE CHRISTIAN DAD... honestly i was a bit intimidated by you at the beginning but??? when u messaged me about me portrayal of kiragi i was just “WHOA!!!!!” because i had never had such a lengthy and well-written review of my portrayal, ever. you honestly give me an unconditional care even though we fight all the time — that’s rlly what i like abt our relationship, just the fact that we can fight and we can totally make up from that if we needed to. you and gwen filled a void in me that i felt for a while when it came to the community, and i can’t express my gratitude. it’s just really nice having a friend like you. not to mention, i love felix and hatsuyuki SO MUCH — i’m so so SO happy we got to share memories with both accounts, and i really hope that we can continue to share said memories in the future.

@hanabari​ / @cursecut​ / gwen || OH GWENNY MY LOV.... HONESTLY YOU ALREADY KNOW WHAT I HAVE TO SAY ABOUT YOU (((AKA UR AMAZING))) AND THAT ME AND NASUGA WOULD FIGHT TO THE DEATH WHEN IT COMES TO OUTMATCHING EACH OTHER’S THOUGHTS OF HOW AMAZING YOU ARE.... you’ve honestly gone through SO much as one of my closer friends and i just?? want you to be happy, whether that be while you talk to me and nasu or you play the FUUCKFING JIMMY NEUTRON GAME... yes but anywho, you made so many memories for me??? and i love the connection u, me and nasu had shared .... i jus.... its indescribable. i hope that things look up for you because i know you deserve that, regardless of what you think for yourself or what you think you deserve — I THINK YOU DESERVE THE WORRRRLDDD

@bewitchinqs​ / bee || AAAAA BEEE.... my be... big sissy bee. you’re the big sister figure  — all the lovely people i’ve met, and i’ve grown to look at you as an inspiration as a person, graphic designer, writer — everything to be honest. you’re not just someone that is easy to talk to, you’re someone that is adored and loved in so so SO many ways, by SO MANY PEOPLE, and if i’m being honest, my love for you mayhaps only be a fragment of the whopping amount you receive and DESERVE. however, this doesn’t derive from the fact these are still the feelings i have about you — you’re really just ... whoa!! thats all i can really describe it as. because everything you do i “whoa!!”, and everything in whatever situation is “whoa!!” too. you’re a power figure to me — tbh you could run this whole community bc its in the palm of your hands. you’re just that great with people, and you’ve swayed my heart is well. thank you for being there for me —— thanks for the being the older sister i never had.

@maidfaire​ / @ofbraveskies​ / layla || LAYLAAAA... honestly??? if i could name someone dedicated to this community, it would be you. you’re the face i see all the time, and everyone loves you — rightfully so! your portrayal of felicia is much more wonderful and lovely than you take it to be. you’re extremely chill and you care very deeply about everyone in the community — i think that’s amazing to be honest. you’re sort of like that hometown sweetheart when it comes to the fire emblem community — everyone can approach you and you’re just so prominent here that it’s difficult to imagine this place without you. plus, i could never forget how you helped me, even though we aren’t on EXTREMELY CLOSE terms — another individual’s aid always sticks in my mind, and you’re someone that i can go to without being afraid. i think it’s because i know you’re not someone who judges others — i really like that about you!

@epeedelordre​ / @shir0uji​ / allison || OH YES ALLISON....ALLIBONBON.....can i just say that i love you?? so much??? being one of the people that’s made me feel wanted and made me feel EXCITED to actually log on and be on kiragi, that’s really really important when it comes to my motivation and my muse. i’ve never told you, or at least, i don’t think i have, but you did play a huge part in how much fun i had in the community — you made my presence feel like i was SOMETHING here, something other than a kiragi. even though your english isn’t good, i still found it really really nice to roleplay and to send you memes — i didn’t care about the quality of your writing, and i still do not. i personally think it’s amazing, because it’s something i can remember and work with. your shiro and your muses shine bright in my memories, and without you, i don’t think i would love this place as much as i do now. thank you for giving me happiness — i hope i had done the same with you.

@spalvingus​ / @fiiercespear​ / @bloomiingblade​ / jenn || aahhh jen ... can i just say that you portray such LOVELY ladies? i really find that your devotion to each and every one of your lady muses, even hinata, is extremely admirable. i can’t even begin to pick up myself and write someone like CAMILLA or HANA or even OBORO ... i look to you when it comes to inspiration to writing powerful female characters. i love how no-nonsense you write each and every one of your muses-- lydia is included in this. i was a bit intimidated by you when you first joined as takumi, but when i learned you were interested in my kiragi headcanons, i was glad to see things later blossomed from there. it’s very special to me when someone cares about what i have to say — i’m also very grateful that you go out of your way liking my ooc even though it’s completely unnecessary. i’m not sure if you know this, but just that being true gives me more motivation to be here, and i don’t think i’d still be as “active” as i am without your support.

@mysticalxwarriors​ / capri || lemme just say capri ... i couldn’t have loved spending the end of my summer with anyone else. honestly, i don’t know what got over me when i just started being on twitter more and more — but i’m honestly really glad about that? knowing that there was someone i could talk to about percy and kiragi — and we had so much fun, too. i never forget sending a line of never gonna give you up at midnight when you clearly told me not too. it’s just fun to rebel like that — and hey, it was also extremely fun to just know that there was somebody on twitter that i could talk to. and plus, i really love your percy for all he is — and your other muses, too! you’re just so passionate that it’s admirable — i think that’s great tbh. i hope that you’re having fun every day and that life is never boring for you.

@ofcoronellas / @northfaire​ / nero / n || where do i start with nero tbh ... honestly, you’re just a huge inspiration to me? you’re a great person and friend, and you’re so passionate about absolutely everything you do. i saw this when i first met you, and i still see it today onwards. you’re an amazing artist, and an equally amazing writer that i look up to! i really have to hand it to you when it came to just loving kiragi and loving percy and loving pretty much all of your muses, because you deliver justice to all of them that i don’t think anyone else could possibly do. i’m so glad that i got to meet you, considering you’ve just been this huge impact to how i play kiragi and figure out his character— some of his qualities were just thanks to you! you’re such a good person — kind as well. i don’t know how to put it in further words. i do hope that you continue doing what you love, because you’re really good at whatever you choose to do.

@maskedheir​ / @acerbicsamurai​ / shira || AHHH SHIRA ... can i just say? i really really love you. i love your devotion to your passions, and i love how you know what’s best for you, etc. i think that’s a really admirable and important part of a person. honestly, like i said, i was intimidated by you when we first met — i thought you didn’t like me, or you didn’t like my kiragi. i was this nooby roleplayer that had no idea what she was doing. i was extremely happy whenever you sent memes to me when i was just a baby, because that gave me interaction with a hisame — and i was craving some interaction with him in my early years. you delivered quite well! speaking of which, i could probably never portray your muses tbh — i just can’t do a grumpy old man, but you do saizo and hisame very well!! plus all your other muses, since you’re so versatile... again, that’s an admirable thing about you. i see how happy you are on saizo and i support what you’re doing and the break you’re on at the moment, but i had to give a shout out to you because you’ve impacted my portrayal of kiragi. you let me have fun, even when i was being a total kid. thanks for that, shira.

@unladylikc​ / @honorbourne​ / livi || i’d just like to start off with how gosh darn lovely your support is to me. honestly, it’s not often that i can find kiragi in a good situation (and unique) situation when it comes to ocs — double whammy for the uniqueness. but vivian’s relationship with kiragi is one that sticks out to me as something he has with an original character — it makes me feel like i’m writing him more diverse, like he deserved to be written as. i’d just like to say how much i enjoy kiragi and vivian’s friendship and apprenticeship at that — i’m sure my kiragi would say the same, considering how vivian’s guidance as a teacher is different than most he had learned from. and that’s really huge for me — having a relationship with a muse that doesn’t include the traditional studying and/or hunting scenario. it’s a breath of fresh air that i entirely appreciate. not only this, but i do love what we have going on with say’ri and kiragi as well — kiragi’s youth also bringing a fresh breath of air to say’ri. what i mean to say is, i think it’s important for both mun and muse to get a new experience and a new opportunity for new relationships for their muse — you do just that for me, and splendidly as well.

@bornxsteward​ / @sonofanohrian / cocoa || cocoa ... i know we’ve had some pRETTY ROUGH BUMPS IN THE ROAD... but oh my gosh. let me just say, you’ve grown SO MUCH since i first talked to you. as a writer, artist, and a person — that’s so so SO important to somebody that’s helped you through hard times, as well as someone who has gone through other victims of your situations and have been mistreated in the end. your changes and your kindness has improved tremendously, and i’m extremely glad with your progress. honestly, i’m really really happy for you! you’re doing such a good job being a dwyer, and you being happy and having fun is something that absolutely everybody deserves. i don’t know why others are blocking you or what you’re doing “wrong”, but i’ll simply say that not everyone has such a broad line of vision for a second chance. i’m so glad that i didn’t give up on you, because you’ve GROWN, and it SHOWS. i noticed that when we started talking again— and i hope that your writing hobby continues on, because i’ll say, you’re a great writer! please continue being extremely amazing.

@crimson-virtue​ / @ascendancisms​ / moon || i know you’re not on tumblr much anymore, but not without good reason. still, i really enjoyed your presence while you were here, moon — i didn’t find it weird you wanted to be friends, and i was ecstatic when you made saga. you honestly made me feel like there was still worth in friendship in the community — worth in getting close to someone, worth in getting to know people. i’m pretty sure you were the one to start conversation when we first met in the beginning, but i did love to talk to you — i didn’t care that you made a crapton blogs and a crap ton of muses, too. i was just happy that there was someone that wanted to talk to ME about that sort of stuff. despite all the people in the community, i was the one you talked to about that — and even though there were probably other people, too — you stuck around, even when you left. you scared me that first time, y’know?? i was worried about you suddenly leaving like that. but when someone filled me in, i was glad to know you were just doing what you felt was right for you. i think that’s what makes you an incredible individual. 

@retakinglory​ / @chiisaichiizu​ / isa || isa... lemme just say, you’re effin GREAT. like. i can’t put it to words tbh. i really love your portrayal of both foleo and shino — like?? i’m so for them?? idk if you know this, but i just don’t like forrest in general — but your portrayal of him, and how serious he is in post-birthright, and how much you develop him is really really REALLY good — so much that i can even tolerate him and LIKE him when it comes to you. plus, you’re so mature and i really want to be at your level when i’m older. i know i’m just a kid, and you’re way out of my range to perhaps think like, but it wouldn’t hurt to be inspired, right? plus, i really liked how we can just back and forth randomly throw our muses at each other. it makes me feel versatile and flexible with my portrayal. that’s a huge thing when it comes to me as a writer, and i’m sure you know that well! thank you for providing me with that experience. you rock.

@duskheir​ / @tactiumsordine​ / genesis || GENESIS... you’re SO FUN TBH, i do love talking to you when i get the chance. i know you’re not really on siegbert anymore so i have no idea what blog to tag you in, but since my kiragi has had the most interaction with your siegbert, i decided that would be the most appropriate. but GENESIS OMG... it was just fun to talk to you and joke around? i love to mess around with older people, though, that may kick me in the butt since i might have appeared as annoying — but regardless, it made me feel reassured as well knowing that you were someone i could talk to. i wasn’t afraid or felt burdening to make edits for you at all, because you took them in strides and you took me as a person wholly two. that’s important to me, as a person. plus, like isa, it was fun just to throw our muses back and forth and have a totally uncalled for roleplay. that’s SUPER fun when it comes to me and my muse, so thank you so much for that!

@fellheaven​ / @rebellefaire​ / kris || KRIS... I JUST!!! I LOVE YOUR MUSES!!!!! and your aesthetic too like?? holy MOLY.... when it comes to things looking good and looking pleasing to the eye, you’re the first person i think of. honestly. you have such a good eye for that sort of thing!! your eye for beauty can be exchanged back and forth between soft and sweet to hardcore and edgy, and that can be difficult for many people, but you seem to nail that on the spot. that’s what i look up to you for. not only that, you’re just a good person in general and you deserve much more love, appreciation, and free-time. and i lovE your kaze too? like?? he’s so soft help my soul?? AND I LOVE HAJIME, HIS COMPLETE OPPOSITE... ill be real i dont usually like dickhole characters like hajime but when i roleplay with him or see you writing for him it?? makes me feel more determined? especially with kiragi. kiragi feels extremely determined to get close to him, and i share the same feelings.i want to see hajime melt into a soft puddle....maybe one day.

@royal-botanist​ / @aim--and--reload​ / nessa || NESSA YOURE LIKE... the popular girl, hmu xoxoo baby doll. JHKJDFGSH IM JOKING, bbut omg, youre just so GOOD?? you’re popular for a very good reason!! you’re inclusive, nice, and you play a very popular muse well! you’re nowhere near intimidating, so you’re sort of like that approachable power figure in the community i suppose? bUT YEAH... other than me rambling about how popular you are, as i said, it isn’t without a good reason. you’re just an approachable, friendly character that everyone can really relate to, including me. and you advocate love for others, which is extremely important when it comes to people i like — it’s something you do without really thinking, and i appreciate you so much for that. your leo is PHENOMENAL, and i laugh everytime you log into nina! YOU JUST HAVE SUCH A REFRESHING SENSE OF HUMOR AND PRESENCE... and everybody is sure to acknowledge that! you’re just that great. i hope that you continue to stick around and take care of everybody. i know that they’ll take care of you in return.

@myfrillspaythebills​ / @theothervonkarmagirl​ || HAHA OKAY... honestly?? i’ve had so much fun roleplaying with you for the small time that we have been roleplaying!! i think you play your muses well so far, even if i don’t know the ace attorney fandom very well as well as your ocs. i can tell that you’ve fleshed them out in certain areas already and you carry on your roleplays with a steady pace that allows it to really feel like a drawn-out roleplay in favor of something that’s really rushed. which is what i love — it made me want to constantly throw replies back and forth!! and i hardly ever feel that with some roleplays, so having that experience again is a real blessing.

@icetribemaiden​ / @nohriansunshine​ / eli || oh eli ... i have nO IDEA WHERE YOU ARE RIGHT NOW, but can i just say that you’re??? a wonderful friend?? and i really enjoy your portrayals. you work so hard to roleplay and write a spectrum of muses, and you aren’t afraid to either. because you roleplayed so many fire emblem muses, you were able to find what you wanted to write and what was most comfortable with you. which is really special to me, to be honest? i’m too scared to make a blog sometimes because i’m afraid i’ll lose the muse too quickly — and then i’ll die midway through, because i don’t want to archive the blog nor do i want to shut it down, because that would mean losing all my memories. i’m glad you don’t have that same fear, and i could honestly learn a thing or two from you — you’re just really good at that.

@gentlexbloom​ / luna || ahhh luna! i absolutely love you and your portrayal of sakura! i’m sure you already know how great of an author and writer you are — you have so many people that look up to you and love your writing. i’m one of them — it’s just so easy to beat back and forth with the way you write, which can be difficult with some people. your writing isn’t too broad, but it’s not intimidating — it’s approachable, but great. that’s something really unique you behold, which is probably why you have so many followers, too! you’re also extremely sweet and extremely supportive — your likes to my ooc posts don’t get unnoticed. actually, it’s you caring to like those posts that make me feel like i matter as a mun — that goes a long way, and if i could, i would respond to every like you give to every one of my dumb oocs posts just to tell you that i’m really happy that you care to have read whatever i post. that’s very special to me as a mun. i do hope you know that.

@melodiant​ / mari || MARI... can i just say? i really liked our friendship for how long that it lasted. i have no idea what’s going on in your life, but you’re probably extremely busy and you’re probably extremely caught up in something that restricts you from being here and talking to me. but i totally respect that and YOU for that matter — you’re such a good writer, and for a second gen, too! it makes me feel like that there’s hope for me and my muse, and it also made me feel super thankful to have someone who liked peragi too and was willing to talk to me about the ship when nobody else did. i also think you’re a splendid artist, and i use that one picture of sophie, kiragi, and percy in their orientation shirts as my lockscreen cover for my laptop. i just get reminded of you when i see it — it also makes me look back on what had happened, and it makes me regret not talking to you more. but i hope that you’re happy, wherever you are, whatever you’re doing — you’re amazing.

@eirenarchs​ / kentaro || kENTAROOOO... i know we don’t talk too much anymore, but i just want to say how much i enjoy your benny for how much you’ve been writing so far. i’m honestly hoping that one day you’ll return to us and you’ll write your amazing benny again, but for now, i can only hope that you’ll be able to at least read this and see what i have to say. honestly?? i’m so happy i’ve been friends with you for as long as we have — i know you’re extremely busy with your school life now, but i hope that things will be able to lighten up sooner or later, and that you and i will be able to talk again.

@clumsiiily / mina || AH YES HI REMEMBER ME??? THE CRAZY GIRL WHO CRIED OVER HER THEME?? — well yes i kept my promise, so here’s my formal special shout out to you. we don’t talk ooc sans that time you helped me, but honestly, such small acts of kindness give me hope for the world. you might not think it was a huge thing, y’know, telling me i just needed to disable a small little thing — but those little things can go a long way. because of you, i was saved from more hours of headache and scanning the internet for answers that were right under my nose. not only that, you play a wonderful sumia from what i have seen from you — absolutely great! it makes me wanna hop back on henry to try and rp —— but all in all, my real point in this is to say that your actions are not wasted. you really ARE kind from what i have experienced — i’m very glad you have a presence on the dash.

Others who have provided me with an enhanced Tumblr experience, whose presence has only improved my position in the community as well as opinion on their muses. Your writing is absolutely phenomenal and I wish to become better friends in the future!

@bliissfulist | @wanclerlust | @armsthriift | @achiingblood | @wildcardkinshi | @fatalimusae | @fxdingtofoam | @zimmercalla / @emblianess | @cxrsedsilence | @nilmen0s / all your other heckngin blogs | @diablisms | @haloiisms | @shrinity | @martyrgrit | @slashing-prices | @aiiron | @sunstrand | @haruspicem | @talentedseamstress | @notchedmind | @kenshiin | @maltrust | @vallablooded | @fraenr | @heiwanoryu | @darkestdiviner | @bonyarii / @tuosemper | @noblestson | @haikudreamer | @haikumaiden | @divincr | @nesufuratu | + everyone on my blogroll !! | YOU YOU WONDERFUL LITTLE PIECE OF HECK

[gryffon]

gonna post that thing i wrote about my abusive ex, this isnt a callout but its just like, all the shit ive been wanting to say and havent felt like i could. gonna namedrop people, gonna not give a fuck, i cant cw for everything but there are rape mentions, physical assault mentions and like. general feelings that happen the wake of emotional abuse.

i dont check often but my ex has deleted the blog she was currently using, (@windowpainter or somethng. she was @hamgubber before, previously @miniaturehorse if anybody remembers from when we were totgether and would post on each others blogs nonstop lol) she has a history of lurking around and worming her way into befriending popular people in online subcommunities i am part of or adjacent to. i have not spoken to her since i realized she was abusive and started to try to pull out of our codependent dynamic. she panicked when i realized actions speak louder than words and her long winded apologies, excuses, and textbookish tripe about DBT and getting better or whatever meant nothing in the face of months of repeated lying, breaking of promises, degradation, disrespect to me as a person, disregard of my physical disabilities, insults, patronization, manipulation, multiple instances of cheating, antagonization, neglect, extortion and overall emotional abuse. when she caught wind that i was going to leave her she wrote me a series of emails totaling over 30,000 words, all varying from "i love you please dont leave me we can work this out. breaking up with me is weak." to "you are not a victim. you are not a victim. here is a categorized list of the ways in which you are abusive while i downplay my own behaviors and patronize you. here's an ultimatum and you are not allowed to respond with more than one sentence." to which i disregarded and wrote up a long, thoughtful reply and chose to never send, ending contact with her for good. this was like, 2013 or 2014.

she never called me out, and i never called her out despite giving very serious consideration to it. i was listening to the advice of my therapist at the time, who told me that she thrives on drama and spends her life constantly creating it, and to give her that kind of attention was exactly what she wanted and would only engage her more in my life and be more degrading to my mental health. the best course of action was to give her nothing, and not give her any more power or influence over me, any footholds or any more of my time, consideration, energy or thought. if anybody reading this has endured emotional abuse from somebody you love, you know it is extremely difficult to totally ignore somebody like this, especially when that person has isolated you from the majority of your support system and friends and you have shaped your entire identity around your relationship with your abuser. but i have followed my therapists advice. i have been working on moving on.

still, over the past few years ive had my mutuals contacted by her friends and told to stop talking to me. ive had people i follow put her and her friends on my dash, which up until recently would send me into a panic that lasted several hours. i have a lot of people in the lesbian/commie/leftist/trans/etc/whatever circles on tumblr who just like randomly have me blocked for no reason (since i dont give a fuck and im going for a spirit of total honesty here, ill name drop @butchcommunist, who she dated for a period of time iirc. a lot of my followeds and mutuals reblog from her. i made a point not to check either of their blogs after finding out but it was upsetting since i would see julia all over my dash. that connection still exists in my mind and its pretty upsetting.). ultimately, and rationally i know that these things do not matter that much. i have a vibrant, healthy and loving circle of friends outside of the internet/tumblr and some randos on the internet having me blocked doesn't really mean anything in the scheme of things. still, when this shit happened it felt terrifying and i was horrified, my emotions magnified by the effects of emotional abuse. despite my VERY intense urge for closure, i try to keep as far away from her as possible.

i gave this woman a year of my life that in my memory is defined by her. i was very madly in love and i spent countless hours at her beck and call, countless hours in calls and in text conversations with her, countless hours supporting her through breakdowns, countless hours talking through her fears and worries, countless hours defending her when she stirred up drama, countless hours defending her horrible behavior to my friends, countless hours rationalizing her abuse to myself and people who approached me with worry, countless hours loving her and wondering why it felt so horrifically painful to be with somebody who told you they wanted to spend the rest of their life with you. almost all the money i was making at the time was spent on her. i helped her move across the continent. i had her at my house for weeks. she fucking took out a loan from my mom. despite how big a role she played in my life, over the past 3 years since our falling out i have only checked her blog less times than i can count on my fingers, usually in moments of distress and in the spirit of self-destruction.

i know for a fact she has convinced her friends to check my blog for her god knows how many times, telling them about her fear of me as a 'dangerous person', that i’m going to call her out, her "fear" that im obsessing over her and am quietly plotting to ruin her life. she's scared for a good reason, but not because i'm an abusive bitter ex out on a smear campaign to slander her innocent name and ruin her life in the name of revenge. she's scared because she knows i have some undeniably serious receipts on her. i have receipts of her sending me a horrifying letter her ex had written her describing a graphic instance of a time my ex had raped her, and of her admitting outright to the rape. i have logs of her checking her rape victim's blog and telling me how exasperated she was her victim was still angry with her even after she apologized, and couldn't understand why her victim was stuck on her and wouldnt move on, going on to blame modern feminism and its tendency to portray abusers and rapists as incorrigible. i have receipts of her admitting to perpetrating emotional and physical abuse in her previous relationships, like an instance where she describes losing control of herself and beating her ex senselessly. i have talked with exes, who confirm stories she had told me where she would cut her arms in her presence, deep enough that her life was at risk, and then refuse to go to the hospital, leaving her girlfriend to either bandage and tend to her wounds or else my ex would bleed out and die. those are just the more horrific ones. i have many receipts that document her emotional abuse towards me as well, which im barely even getting into here. i know plenty of other people have experiences with her and accounts of interacting with her that undeniably portrays her as a serial abuser, rapist, and extortionist and exposes the falsehood of her charming and intelligent persona.

several times i have considered calling her out because she has proven herself beyond a doubt that she is a serial abuser who leaves a trail of burning bridges in her wake. i have no doubts that the evidence i have against her is completely solid, and her claims of my status as an abuser that she perpetuates to her friends are built on pillars of sand. i am not afraid of anything she could bring to the table anymore. i have spoken quite a bit with exes and ex friends (some of which sided with her during our breakup and who eventually ended up cutting off, and we reconnected with years after), and they all suggest the same shit. she is manipulative to her very core and will not stop hurting and using people until she dies.

these are big claims and again, this isn't a callout and the reason im not providing the logs is because im just trying to get out my thoughts in an honest way and im not trying to make a case about anything. this is cathartic. im so fucking tired of feeling like its a secret. i dont even know what blog shes using or whatever and while that scares me, i don't care anymore. people who are still semi-big names in the online communities i drift around in still have me blocked and a lot of times i wish i could message them and tell them "hey, you know she's wrong, and i have absolute proof." but my self worth is high enough that i dont need to go around convincing every single rando who doesn't like me that im a good person, not to mention the risk of indirect contact through those who's lives she is still present in.

for a long time the way i coped was by holding onto the idea that she would apologize to me, and i could finally have closure. she apologized to the ex i mentioned earlier, and because of that i hoped she would grow enough as a person to realize that there is literally no way any rational being could look at our relationship and say that, yeah, i was the one hurting her. apparently thats too much credit to give her, and i realize she only apologized to her ex because she wanted me to think she was changing, growing and a good person at heart who just had a rough past. after enough time, enough conversations with people who she was previously close to, i have accepted that she will never truly dedicate herself to getting better. she will always be using people, always be hurting people, always lying, always hypocritical, always disingenuous and always covering her ass by hiding under the language of victimhood, trauma, recovery, self-improvment, DBT, and therapy to convince her victims that her offences are missteps in her journey to improvement. 

this isn't a callout, this isn't meant to be circulated as a warning, this isn't meant to be any sort of vengeance or crusade. i dont even think shes fuckin on tumblr anymore lol. i don't care anymore. i dont care what people take this as. this is me writing an honest, open, reflective, cathartic processing of the scenario that impacted my teenage years so severely.  this isnt concise or well written and i dont need it to be. i've spent too many years wanting to talk about this, needing to process it more openly, but being riddled with horrific anxiety and fear, worrying about her and her social influence and her ability to impact my life. but its been a long time. ive worked hard at this. ive worked hard to get past this. ive worked hard to learn how to be with people who will treat me with kindness. i needed to write this and i needed to post this without editing every sentence a thousand times. this is largely unedited. i dont care if this makes me look pathetic or obsessed with her ive been letting these feelings stir for years and im just ready to breathe again.

if you want to talk about this post DM me or whatever. if you know her and think its all bullshit and you want logs, sure. i dont have anything to hide anymore. her name is viv and she is the worst person i have ever met and i feel sorry that i gave her so much of my love. thanks.

[ilonavic]

25 Q/A Personality Tag

A dear friend of mine asked me to do this tag myself after I wrote this a while ago for my lovely friends here on Tumblr, thanks to the post by @annarieta regarding this tag, it gave me a little courage to do it. (I actually think there are many scary questions, I don’t like the idea of revealing it to just about anybody.) RULES: Tag people you want to get to know better.

1. Are you introverted or extroverted? I’m very introverted. I can go weeks on my own, without needing company or social stimulation. 

2. Are you ruled by emotions or logic? I reason from a point of logic, but ultimately make decisions based of what I feel will make everyone the happiest. 

3. What is your happiest memory? Like many others have said already, which was a bit surprising to read, I don’t recall many outstanding happy memories. Like @annarieta said, it’s the small things mostly. But I remember happy car rides with my best friend where we sang (screamed) to music, and traveling to the Vatican City with my classmates. Even if the company wasn’t necessarily good all the time, that place really made me happy. It was so beautiful. 

4. What is your saddest memory? Nowadays, every winter, I go into a state of hibernation really. It’s very dark here during the winter, we have about 5 hours of sunlight everyday. It’s cold, it’s dark and murky. It makes me very depressed. But um. The day I lost my best friend is a terrible memory. We were friends for 8 years and I’ve missed her very much for 3 years since. 

5. In what kind of world would you rather live in? I’d love to live in an Elven world. I love the architecture, I love the purple/blue/mystic gloom of the places. The nature, rivers are very beautiful. Where people cherished art, music, writing, love, beauty etc, and no one cared a wit for politics, cruelty or had any desire to forbid people from being different or happy. 

6. What is your favorite video game? The Witcher, Skyrim and BioShock are my babies. 

7. What is your biggest fear for yourself? Being hated by people. 

8. What is your biggest wish for yourself? To be a happy little hermit =) In a beautiful place where I can write stories, paint and be surrounded by 20 dogs.

9. What fictional character do you relate to the most?  Queen Freya from The Huntsman (she’s my avatar for a reason guuuuuuys). Wait, let me explain, haha. She’s portrayed as a complex evil character. I don’t consider myself to be evil, nor do I consider myself to be purely good either. I can relate to her character process. Alike her, I was very trusting and happy when I was little, I was truly a little sunshine. But like with so many of us, life happens, and then life happens again, and I became... well, a different person really. Like her, I often feel misunderstood and isolated. But I also cherish loyalty above all, and shun love away from me (I also freaking love ice and snow). I think love is beautiful when I see it with other people, but I could never love like that myself, somewhere it’s hardwired in my brain in a twisted way that love is a weakness and can be used to manipulate and harm me. Heartache and emotional suffering is something I'm terrified of (you know, when you can physically feel pain in your chest), and I can’t handle it anymore. So I don’t feel romantic desire towards people anymore, I think I’ve... removed it?  

10. If you could become anything, without any education or demands, what would you choose as your profession? Author or an actress.

11. Do you have any siblings? Two brothers and one sister. I’m the second youngest. 

12. Have you ever wanted to injure someone? When I was bullied, I wanted to injure the people who hurt me all the time, but I never actually did it. 

13. Have you ever wanted to help someone, but didn’t? Yes, but I always try to do the best I can to help someone, even if I don’t know the person. It doesn’t matter, I’ll happily embarrass myself to help someone in need. 

14. What makes you angry? Bullies, homophobes, racists, sexists, rapists, murderers, especially animal abusers can fuck off right to hell. 

15. What makes you happy? My precious jewel, doggy.<3 Also, traveling and airplanes is a joy. Museums, exploring new places, yeah. Fun fun. 

16. Would you rather beat up a small child once - or get beaten up by an angry man every single day for the rest of your life? I don’t want to beat up anybody, so bring me the man. Maybe I’d get really psychologically twisted and Stockholm Syndrome would set in so I’d start to like it lol. 

17. What places would you visit today if you could? Ireland! Scotland! England! Just because @lithiumgrayangel showed me how beautiful Sevilla is, I wanna visit Sevilla one day. But of course, beautiful Italy (Rome is stunning), Venice again, Russia (possibly Moscow), FRANCE! Finland, Norway and Iceland are beautiful too. Also Warsaw, UK and US. And Budapest. And New Zeeland, Canada, Australia... Gosh I wanna go everywhere, I can’t pick one!

18. Do you want children? Why? If not, why not? To be honest, it will depend on what situation I am in. Did I, against all odds, found a person who wants children? Then yes, in a stable household and in happy relationship, I’d consider having one or two, no more. But... Right now, that future is looking very bleak. And if I end up with someone who don’t want children, then I won’t have children. Just get a dog instead, they’re less fussy.  

19. Did you have a happy childhood? It’s a bit complicated. When I was young, I did have a happy childhood, but my father was also abusive back then. He calmed down once I became a teenager, and then the bullying started, and when the bullying stopped, my dad became sick. And my mother has basically been hysterical and wacky my entire life so. But um, to be honest. I had friends, a roof over my head, food on the table. I got nothing to complain about. 

20. Have you ever done drugs? If you have, would you do it again? I’ve been offered, but I’ve never been interested and nor will I be. I know a couple of people who just smokes pipe and marijuana in front of me? I think it’s odd but. I try not to judge, and it’s not my business. 

21. Would you rather become a child again, possessing all the knowledge you have today, or become middle-aged, with 45 000 000 € on your bank account? I’d become a child again, start my life over, and be twice as intelligent. Could be like a scientist or something. 

22. If you could become any existing famous person in the world - who would you be and why? I admire Lana del Rey a lot, but I wouldn’t want to be any celebrity. Unless I can become someone really powerful and change the world. Like Donald Trump and resign as the president so someone more capable can take over. 

23. Are your parents married or divorced? They’re divorced, but sadly live together still. It’s a stupid decision, but I reckon my father wouldn’t last a day on his own, and my mother must be addicted to misery. 

24. Where do you see yourself in the future? An author, hopefully. Making a positive change, helping people, having meaningful friends in my life, living in a beautiful place surrounded by nature and animals. :) 

25. If you’d like, a question of your own here. Mine is directed to my fellow Witcher lovers; Who and Why?

For friendly purposes, Regis or Cirilla?  I like Ciri, and I can understand why people would choose her, she seems like she would be a lovely friend. But ultimately, I’d have so much to discuss with Regis. I feel like, without being self-absorbed or... delusional in any way, I have some things in common with him. We’re too loyal, we fight for people who don’t cherish our love or advice and we both like discussing philosophical topics with loooooooong sentences (as you’ve probably noticed by now). I’d feel so good in his company, he’s a lovely lovely man. 

For romantic purposes, Dettlaff or Avallac’h? My darling Avallac’h, I know there are so many people who misunderstands him, confuses his intelligence for arrogance. People call him horrible things. To be honest, I don’t have too much against Dettlaff though, I like him, and I love his complex nature. But of course, I’d never pick anyone over Avallac’h. He’s brilliant, and I would love to discover a million new worlds with him. (ps. marry me have my babies)

As your co-worker, Caranthir or Geralt? Caranthir would be a brilliant colleague, though Geralt is probably more lovable, Caranthir is intelligent. He’d help me with my tasks and I’d sit there gazing into his eyes and not hearing a word he’s saying. ♥‿♥ (true story, I often drift away when people talk to me)

As your boss, Eredin or Ge’els? I don’t know, he feels more attainable than Ge’els do. Ge’els is just da boss, he’d rule over me, I’d always feel incredible stupid and inferior around him. But Eredin is kinda wacky, but I love him, but he’s a silly goose so I’d just try to befriend him to eventually marry him so we could rule the galaxy together. 

As your best friend, Yennefer or Shani? Yennefer, my oh my, I’ve been in love with her since the first time I saw her. She’s INTELLIGENT AND INTELLIGENCE IS SEXY ASF. Shani, you cool too but. Meh, I think her character is a bit boring. There’s not much interesting about her that makes her stand out? She’s not really complex either? She’s just... idk... pretty and stuff. Redhead and stuff. (sorry @vaporeox dont kill me)

As your ally, Vernon Roche or Anna Henrietta? Nah nah, always Roche, I love that man immensely. I’d marry him too. I’d marry everyone. 

As your worst enemy, Triss or Dandelion? I don’t really like Triss that much. What she did to Yennefer has ruined her in my eyes.

Tagging: I’ve already tagged people for this tag, but I would like to tag some of my lovely followers who haven’t been tagged in this, tho I can’t possibly tag all of you, I’m sorry about that: @blackeasteagle @everydayzer0es @spooky-cowfish @dovahkiin-deathbat @shadanakara @i-am-the-sword-in-the-darkness @o-moonyue-o @heroesneverdiie @blohandrum @rosiesuzuya and anyone else who wants to do it - you can write you were tagged by me. ❤