#it’s tired of being in an anxious state and hurting and feeling nauseous and throwing up and i am constantly dying

[ratsoh-writes]

Wait they have heats? Then what are they all like during heat? :o

Here’s the link explaining heats

Sans: he’s not too different during his heat. He likes to joke and call it hibernation because that’s how sans treats it. He does his best to be unconscious as long as possible. He usually saves vacation time from work to take the first two days off. His rarely sat longer than three days

Papyrus: he HATES his heat because it makes him anxious and jittery. Papyrus will work himself to exhaustion during in an attempt to ignore his arousal and anxiety. And there’s not really anything anyone can do to help since he refuses to find a heat partner if he doesn’t have a SO

Star: he becomes oddly calm during his heat. The exhaustion saps all his manic energy leaving him in a nice state of normal. It’s terrifying

Honey: the cramps from his heat make him nauseous so it’s hard for him to keep food down the first two days. If he had a partner though, heats would be a breeze for honey. He doesn’t suffer any personality changes. Just terrible cramps

Red: so he’s super horny, anxious, and sore? Sounds like Tuesday to him. Unless one was his partner and able to smell the stronger magic on red, nobody notices when he’s in heat

Edge: he gets more physically affectionate during his heat. Not only in a flirtatious way with his SO. Edge will also hug red, be nicer to his interns at work, give doomfanger many extra cuddles… he’s still super grouchy though, just cuddly and grouchy

Mal: he’s a seething ball of rage during his heat and should be avoided at all costs unless you plan on being his heat partner.

Cash: he’s… hungry. He has the opposite problem that honey has. Now everything looks appetizing to him. Even sweets. If cash is voluntarily making cookies, he’s in heat.

Oak: heats are not a fun time for him. Oak gets really stressed out so any time he’s awake, the stress makes his memory even worse than usual. So bad he can’t really do much, not even bake. He might forget the oven is on.

Willow: same as oak, his heats are a bad time for him. They make his back ache like a mf, and he has his brother to worry about as well since their heats cycle together. Willow usually takes the week off and spends it worrying about how his managers are handling the bakery

Charm: being a monster infected with the lust serum means that charm is always in a state of low heat. So he actually doesn’t have a heat cycle. He just has to deal with being horny all the time

Sugar: same situation as charm basically

Lord: he becomes softer and less snappy during his heat. Lord will even be sweet to his friends instead of his usual sass. He’s still not down to cuddle though

Mutt: he gets pretty temperamental during his heat and will be looking to pick a fight. Not as bad as mal, but close. Lord forces mutt to quarantine whenever their heats start up because mutt will end up getting injured somehow

Wine: he’s very flirtatious during his heat. It’s funny because wine is normally so prim and proper, but here he is making all the old ladies blush in delight when they visit the antique shop. Rip SO.

Coffee: during his heat he has zero f*cks to give. It’s like all his shyness is thrown out the window. He doesn’t stutter one bit when talking to new people. And like wine, he becomes a smooth mf

Pop: literally nothing changes during his heat except for him being a little tired. Pop is blessed with very easy heats

Rhythm: he gets more emotional and it’s pretty easy to get him crying during this time. His bones are also super sensitive so unless you’re his partner, rhythm won’t want anyone touching him

Pluto: heats make him lazy, so unless it’s canoodling with his partner, Pluto won’t want to do much except lay around and read.

Jupiter: same as Pluto basically. His heats are the one time he isn’t super excited to go out and work.

G: he absolutely hates that constantly aroused feeling and almost always finds a partner for his heats. If he doesn’t though, G turns from funny-rude to genuinely rude during his heat.

Green: he very oddly calm during his heat. He likes to pretend that he’s not hurting and raging horny at the moment lol

Peaches: he gets more social and playful during his heat. Peaches is normally so mild that it surprises people to see him so quick to banter.

Rancher: because of all the hard labor he does, he sometimes misses his heats since he’s too busy to notice the arousal and soreness. Rancher once panicked thinking he missed a season before peaches reassured him that he definitely had it at the same time as him

Snipe: he becomes a nest goblin during his heat and will hide away for the four days in a pile of blankets and pillows he drags into his room. Snipe uses his heat weeks to get caught up on any backlogged paperwork he has

Bruiser: the wanderlust hits hard when he’s in heat. Bruiser only comes home to sleep for about four hours a night. Where he is the rest of the time no one knows

Ace: he’s VERY emotional during his heat and can’t even keep up his usual neutral masks. Out of necessity ace has to take the week off and will spend it sulking unless he has a SO to spend it with

Slim: like papyrus, slim takes the work till you drop route to stave off the anxiety. He usually spends his heats with boss doing any and all fixing jobs the mafia properties might need. Slim prefers sore bones over constant arousal

Butch: he gets super playful and cuddly during his heat. He’s basically a big pest to every one around him lol. This also comes with being extra flirtatious. Because of this, but rarely ends up alone for his heat

Boss: his personality really doesn’t change much during heat, but the raging libido does make him a little more distracted. He usually keeps himself busy and focused by working slim to death. Helping his brother with his anxiety makes boss feel better

Rust: like red, he’s great at hiding his heat and has no problems still going to work on those days. The kids are a great distraction. He’s mopey and listless when he gets home though

Noir: he’s super cuddly as well but less grouchy than edge. Noir will straight up cuddle with rust during heat to try and cheer his brother up. This is a great time for a SO to get him to say something mushy and embarrassing lol

Lilac: without that manic energy Star has, instead of becoming normal, lilac is dead to the world. He’s in pain, exhausted, and too horny to want to look at anyone that’s not a heat partner. He spends it in solitude mostly

Basil: like honey, heats make him super nauseous. But basil refuses to not eat so he spends his heats occasionally checking in on lilac and focusing on not throwing up :(

[xxgoblin-dumplingxx]

The Matchmaker: Thirteen

The fire crackled in the hearth and Bucky stretched lazily, half awake. You had really picked a nice couch. Plush and soft. Good for napping. Or, the activities that he’d just been doing on the sofa with you.

He looked down and smiled a little, adjusting the blanket gently to cover your bottom where it had bunched up and was leaving you exposed. He didn’t want you getting chilled.

His belly was comfortably full of pasta, he’d had a few glasses of wine, and he had the love of his life asleep on his chest. It was a nice night. A quiet celebration to mark the last of your doctorate work getting done.  He knew you were worn out when you’d walked through the door.

It had radiated off of you. You looked exhausted and stressed. He always hated that. He looked up from the pasta sauce he was stirring and held out his arms, “Hey, Princess,” he said smiling, “Why don’t I run you a hot bath before dinner, huh?” You make a soft miserable sound. You’re cold and wet and it feels like the sides of your stomach are stuck together. You’d been too anxious to eat more than a couple bites of the chocolate chip pancakes Bucky had tried to get you to eat that morning. And what you had eaten you’d thrown up just from the nerves.

“I just wanna go to sleep,” you murmur, “I don’t even think I can eat.”  You walk into his arms and thud your head gently against his chest. 

He frowns and strokes your back tenderly, “What’s wrong, Sweetheart?”

You shake your head and sigh, “Nothing,” you murmur, “I’m just tired.” 

“At least go put on some dry clothes,” he says softly, “Get comfortable. Let yourself relax a little. Let your body realize you’re not running on adrenaline anymore.”

You nod and take a deep breath, “Okay,” you whisper.

“Good girl,” he praises gently, nudging you towards the stairs, “One step at a time.” He watches you go and shakes his head. He’s a little glad you turned down working for SHEILD. Some types of stress you could handle really well. A frenetic work pace. Lots of things at once, fine. All fine. But prolonged stress, being stressed out for days on end while you unsnarled tangles and had no apparent end to the worrying? Nope. You were built for sprints, not Marathons. SHEILD was constant stress. Constant pressure. He didn’t doubt that you could adjust but he’d prefer you not have to. The effects on your body aside, he wondered what it would do to your heart. 

Bucky listens with half an ear and nods to himself when he hears the shower start, adjusting the temperature of the stove and starting the water for pasta. He knew you’d sworn off carbs for right now, but he also knew that you were miserable. He figured breaking the diet that he didn’t even think was necessary wouldn’t hurt. Not for one day. Not if it meant that you went to sleep with a full belly and he didn’t find you awake at 3am possessed by some manic cleaning demon after an anxiety-induced nightmare vaulted you out of bed. Fully awake and already in a panic. He hated that too. How easily all the shit your older sister had said and done to you instilled that you were never going to be enough. How all the things stupid boys, who didn’t understand you, had perpetually made you question if it was a trap if anyone asked about things you were interested in. It was only now that he lived with you that he really noticed it. 

For a moment he’d thought you had a double life or something. But it wasn’t that. It was a massive, sprawling, fantasy epic you had spent the better part of 15 years writing and refining. There were multiple languages, cultures. All this detail and illustration... It had made his head spin when he’d found the stacks of journals and loose-leaf papers in binders. You’d very cautiously, shyly explained that it was how you’d put in to practice some of the theoretical things you read about when you were first wrestling with it. Without any real-world experience to really draw on. Or access. You’d just crafted one to test things out on. “Like Tolkein but like... Less racist and somehow more pretentious,” you’d told him. You looked like you were waiting for him to laugh at you. He couldn’t really do anything but stare. At least not for a moment. 

“Can I read it?” he asked. 

“No,” you answered hesitantly, hugging the binder you’re holding to your chest, like he might take it from you. Like someone probably had before. 

He hadn’t pressed. He’d simply nodded and very carefully added the journals and binders to the shelf next to your desk. Where you could get to them if you wanted them. 

Your quiet footfalls on the wood floors make him lookup. You’ve stolen one of his t-shirts and found a clean pair of pajama bottoms. Your hair is still dry, but your skin is pink. The water must have been hot. A lot hotter than Bucky liked it.You look better. Kinda. At least less frazzled. 

When your arms wrap around his waist and your cheek rests against his back he smiles, “Baby, I got a fire going before you got home,” he coaxed, “Why don’t you go cuddle up with a blanket... I’ll bring you some dinner and a glass of wine.”

“I still feel nauseous,” you tell him groggily.

He frowns, “At least try, Princess. You need to eat. You might even feel better if we get a little something in your stomach.”

He watches you go as you shuffle through the doorway and frowns. You really do need rest. He can practically see the anxiety and the depression it leaves behind gnawing at you. He knows this is a temporary state. A rudderlessness left behind after your life’s work this far getting handed over. But. He’d much rather drown you in pasta and cuddles until you fall asleep than just let you fall asleep face down on the bed like you are. 

It doesn’t take long to have a couple bowls and a couple glasses of wine put together on a tray. The TV is off but you have the record played on and playing softly. He smiles a little, you’re wrapped up in the fluffy throw off the couch hugging the stuffed dog he bought you as a joke when you asked for a puppy. “Here, Sweetheart,” he said handing you a bowl and a glass. When you take them your hands a trembling just a little and it reaffirms his assessment that you need food in your belly. 

You take them and take a deep breath. “Thank you,” you murmur. Bucky nods and sinks into the couch gently, “I made brownies too,” he said, proud of himself.

You smile up at him and take a sip of wine, “You’re getting pretty domestic,” you tease, “Don’t worry I won’t tell Sam.” Bucky grinned, “Well, I gotta get some skills. You know. Since you’re gonna be a Professor. And a Consultant for the UN... Once I retire I’m practically gonna be a trophy husband. I gotta keep you interested in me somehow.”

You laugh softly, “Well I appreciate the efforts. Even if you are gonna make me fat.” Bucky rolled his eyes, “Baby, you’re perfectly healthy. Fuck that magazine. You’re healthy. You work out more than I do. You can eat whatever you want.” You sigh, “I know. It’s still not nice to read while I’m trying to get groceries.”

Bucky nodded, “I know, Sugar.” He kisses you gently and smiles a little, “But let’s not worry about those assholes now, huh? Just relax and let me take care of you. You worked hard. You deserve a treat.” You nod and take another sip of wine, “Okay,” you sigh, “This actually looks really good... Food Network?”

“Facebook,” he said grinning. 

____________ 

He managed to coax you into most of the pasta and a brownie between two glasses of wine. You unwound slowly and Bucky felt better. He hated it when you had yourself worked up. 

It also hadn’t taken long for him to work you back up again in a completely different way. He applied considerable efforts into getting you sleepy and relaxed. He figured a slow, snuggly round of lovemaking would probably be just the thing. When he had you naked and squirming under his hands, he pinned you gently to the couch and lavished kisses down your body, nuzzling your stomach affectionately. There wasn’t much talking but there didn’t need to be. He knew what you liked. You knew that in the back of his mind, he was thinking about how pretty you’d look growing his baby. 

“I love you,” you’d panted, your legs wrapped around his waist to pull him closer. 

“Who doesn’t?” he teased, kissing you hungrily.

After he’d spent inside you and you were pleasantly tired instead of mind-numbingly exhausted, he’d held you. You’d snuggled into his arms and hid your face in his neck. 

It hadn’t taken long for you to fall asleep. The comfort of a full stomach, a gentle orgasm, and a warm body to cuddle paired with the sweetness of Bucky humming along with the record he’d put on had you fast asleep in a few minutes. 

Bucky felt like he was in heaven, drowsing there in a hazy, twilight state. It was a level of comfort he never thought was possible. He never knew it was possible to be this content. This blissed out. 

He adjusted the blanket over you gently and stroked your hair. This was home and he couldn’t wait to be a trophy husband. 

Tags: @lancsnerd​ @stevieang​ @golddaggers​ @blameitonthecauseway @qxeen-of-hearts​ @process-pending​ @xmarveled​ @beautybyfire, @etherealwaifgoddess, @mschellehitt, @mistressoftorture @thorfanficwriter, @ctinadiva, @innerpaperexpertcloud @amalthea9  @cdwmtjb8 @notyourtypicalrose

[rparchivechill]

trauma - 3

Sweet eventually woke up, but not in a pleasant way, she shot up from the laying down position and stood up. She was struggling to breathe normally, only staggered and sharp breaths came from her. She had just had a nightmare about Dejon, and after what had just happened earlier that day, this was not helping. The dream felt so real, so vivid.

"Mmmmh... Sweet, why are you up?" Dejon groaned, rubbing his eyes. He looked next him, seeing that Sweet had gotten up from the bed and was now standing at the foot of it, panicking. He scrambled to sit up, and the blankets made it harder for him to step off his bed. 

 "Sweet?! What's wrong? What happened?" He asked her, putting a hand on her shoulder from behind her.

She let out a small yell and pushed his hand away from her, terrified of him. She was already crying today but this was much worse, she looked terrified of HIM. 

It was one thing for her to flinch but this time she was actively backing away and into the wall.

He sucked in a breath, stepping back from her immediately. 

"I see..." He muttered, dolefully. Remembering the incident that happened at the intersection in the car, he tried his best to give her some space. He felt a tear roll down his face. And then another. And then yet another. He coughed, wiping them away. 

Crying was okay, yes, but... now was not the time. Sweet was in a much worse mental state than he was at the moment. He didn't know what to do. 

Should he leave?

Stay? 

Try and console her?

God, he didn't know. 

He hadn't dealt with this before. He tried to start off slow, at least what he hoped was slow. "What... What happened, Sweet? If you need a second I understand."

She put a hand over her mouth, looking extremely nauseous. It didn’t happen often, but she would throw up at times when extremely stressed. She ran past him and to the bathroom, immediately getting on her knees and throwing up her guts. It sounded worse than it was but definitely was painful. She vomited a few more times before sitting up and taking some deep breaths, just trying to get some air in and relax. She really needed to process what just happened and if it was all a dream.She slumped down on the bathroom floor and leaned against the wall, poor thing looked beyond anxious.

He instinctively side-stepped her, even though she was trying to swerve past him anyways. After he heard her start to vomit, he waited in his doorway for her to finish, silently trying to figure out what the best move would be. He was still little sluggish since being woken up suddenly, and he hunched over slightly as he leaned on the frame. He gingerly made his way to the bathroom, poking his head in the doorway and looking down at Sweet with a very concerned and worried expression written all over his face. 

She tiredly looked up at him and frowned, lifting her arms up to motion she wanted a hug. She had come to the realization that it really was just a nightmare and she wanted some comfort now. “I’m sorry.. I had a really bad d-dream..” She mumbled to him, still raising her arms for a hug.

"Are you okay now?" He asked, hesitating for a moment. He didn't want to panic her even more if he touched her again. He stood still, one hand still on the doorway of the bathroom.

She nodded, still teary eyed but didn’t look like she’d freak out if he touched her. Whatever she dreamt up must have been pretty bad for such a reaction. She still had her arms up for him, though it looked like it was tiring them out.

"Just checking..." He said, before scooping her up in her arms, keeping her close, and trying to make up for whatever twisted dream she had. "It's okay, now... You're safe..." He turned around, seeing his parents in the doorway, with his dad's eyelights small dots and his mom looking like she was ready to beat anyone who had hurt either of them. He just shook his head, silently pleading for them to move out of the way. They did, and that was probably because of how frantic he looked. He carried Sweet back to his room, and he could feel her grip starting to loosen from his neck. His mom had thankfully shut the door from behind them. He laid his girlfriend back on the bed, and sat down next to her.

Sweet sighed and sniffled, not wanting to cry again tonight. “I’m sorry, Dejon..” She said quietly while reaching to him to hold his hand. “The dream felt so real.. I wasn’t expecting your hand on my shoulder so I freaked out.. sorry..”

"Don't be sorry. It was rational. I don't blame you. Don't ever think that I did, okay?" He consoled her, moving himself closer to her and holding her outstretched hand. He gave it a gentle squeeze and ran circles over it with his thumb. Still sitting up, he asked "What... What happened in this dream, if you don't mind me asking?"

"I- I mean, only if you're okay with telling me," He quickly added, his hand retracting from her.

“I don’t mind..” She sat up slowly and took a minute, thinking of how to explain this to him. “It was you and I having a fun time like any other day until at night.. you took me to the alleyway behind the school for a ‘surprise��� gift..” She paused, feeling the tears already forming. 

“You pushed me against the wall like he did and started taking off all my clothes.. I wasn’t ready to do what you wanted so you started hitting me, then left me all alone in the alley and drove off..” She had started crying again and was trying to wipe away the fresh tears, but she still had more to say. “You came back later and decided that you wanted to continue with what you were going to do with me and then.. then..” 

She couldn’t finish the sentence but he could have probably understand what she was getting at.

As her story unfolded, Dejon folded into himself, pushing his knees up to his chin and tugging at parts of his shirt. At one point, he covered his mouth as his brain burst with millions questions questing his own morality.

When she finished, he didn't move bother closer to her, falling back into the doubtful pit of if he should touch her or not. He just kept fidgeting with his clothing, repeating over and over the same thing while he looked at her with grave yet pained eyes. 

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry."

She leaned against him was she cried, she felt like an absolute piece of shit for telling him. He was probably going through enough after having the beat a guy’s face in today. “Should I leave..? I don’t want to be a burden to you anymore..”

"No... Please, don't. I just... I don't want to hurt you any more than I already did today, from the looks of it." He said, taking his shirt and wiping the tears away even though they were still sure to come. "The way you had looked at me when you had first woken up... was what had shaken me up the most, up until this moment." He paused for a moment, taking a shaky breath. 

“That face and the face at school... they were so, so similar. Seeing you like that- I felt disgusting... And it scared me. All of it scared me more than I thought it did." It had been a while since he had felt this vulnerable, he felt more tears drip onto his shirt and pants.

Sweet hugged him tightly, “It’s not your fault.. I am just struggling with processing what happened..” She nuzzled him, trying to show that she still loved him a lot and cared for him. She kissed his cheek and forehead, offering him a bit of comfort now instead of the opposite. He looked like he really was under a lot of stress.

"But part of it is! I yelled, I screamed, and clearly it affected you a lot..." He sobbed, grateful for the comfort but still feeling extremely guilty. "I don't want you to be scared of me..." His eyes still hadn't retracted back to their normal size, and were still barely visible. They almost looked like they were shaking in his eyesockets.

“It will take time for me to heal but I promise this won’t be a permanent thing.. I can forgive you for what you did, it’s nowhere as severe as what.. he.. did.” She sniffled and moved a little so she was in his lap, she held his face with both of her hands and pressed her forehead against his. “I love you so much.. we can get through this..”

He mumbled in agreement, putting one of his hands over hers. "T-Thank you... I love you too. God, I should be comforting you... You're going through so much worse right now and I don't need to add to that."

“Shhhhh… I hate to be rude, but shut up.. your feelings are valid.” She said with a giggle, nuzzling him affectionately. “Should we go ask your mom about food soon? Or we could.. stay and cuddle?” She said the last part dramatically as a joke, she definitely wanted cuddles though.

"I think... I think I'd rather wait. Just a little longer." He replied, trying to laugh a little, too. He finally returned her hugs, and his face smashed against hers. He held onto her tightly as if he might fall if he let go.

Sweet started purring and blushed when she heard herself, it was still a little embarrassing but it was fine. She nuzzled her head into the spot between his chin and collar bone, her purring only growing louder the more comfortable she got. It was a really horrible day but maybe it might have a nice ending, they eat a good meal and fall asleep cuddling.

He snorted when she started getting flustered, but it's not like he looked any different. His hands crossed on her back, and he made she Sweet felt as safe and loved as possible with forehead kisses every once in a while. 

“I love you.. I hope we stay together forever..” She said, tears coming again but this time they were happy ones. “I’m so grateful to have a boyfriend like you..” She lifted her head up to look her lover in the eyes.i

"Right back at you," He laughed, winking at her with some fingerguns. He didn't care if some thought they were corny. Any time was appropriate for fingerguns (Okay, most times). "But I'm glad we met. So, so glad. I love you too; I really do."

“I can’t take this anymore.” She said with a huff before gently grabbing his chin and pulling him into a kiss. It was a very long and passionate one, she clearly had been wanting a kiss but felt like now was the best time.

"I-" He sputtered out, before he was kissed by Sweet, as the lingering blush suddenly came back in full swing and no intent of leaving. He leaned in closer to her, closing his eyes and enjoying the moment while it lasted.

Sweet eventually parted with the most lovesick grin he’d ever seen out of her. “Ehehehee.. you taste like marshmallows and happiness.” She said while giggling in a loving daze.

 "Marshmallows, huh? That's new." He retorted, smiling at her grin. Which was also making him extremely flustered, but he tried not dwelling on it. He felt a little of his face, and sure enough, it was warm. "You seem quite love-struck right now, Sweet." He mused, pressing his forehead to hers.

She giggled again, “Sorry, I just fully realized how great my feelings really are for you.” She said while pressing her forehead back against his. She also gently picked up his hand and held it.

[something--wicked]

vent

so todays my first day on wellbutrin

i was on prozac for 5 years and now weening off and starting wellbutrin bc i was having constant panic attacks related to my hypochondriasis. and i keep seeing a lot of ppl saying that wellbutrin side effects are nausea, dizziness and a lot of worse stuff thats making me more anxious

but i want this medication to work so bad because i just wanna go one night without getting nauseous and dizzy for no reason, which inevitably turns into a panic attack bc im convinced that im dying

vaping cbd oil helps out with the anxiety but im just so tired of feeling like shit and feeling like my eyes cant focus and feeling disoriented im just tired of it

i cant even eat my safe foods anymore cuz they have been making me nauseous and im too scared of throwing up or inducing a panic attack to try to eat and i just dont know whats wrong and it just sucks right now

on top of that im starting college in a month and i still dont have any idea how im gonna pay for it, i have my driver license test next week and if i pass i have no idea how im gonna pay for the insurance, i still need to get a job but with how much anxiety and general shitty feelings im having now i cant imagine trying to go into work every day and functioning all day

and if i let my mind wander for even a second my brain convinces me that whatever normal body function im feeling is a symptom of a deadly disease that will kill me within minutes. like ive never really burped my whole life i just couldnt do it, and like 2 months ago i suddenly gained the ability to burp and lately my brain has been trying to convince me i have stomach cancer. being on wellbutrin now i live in a constant state of fear that im about to have a seizure. if i go too long without eating and start feeling faint then im scared that im about to fall into a coma from low blood sugar even tho im not diabetic?? if i feel slightly hot which is always cuz i live in texas in a house without central air conditioning, i get convinced that i have an extremely high fever and im gonna drop dead from an infection. ive gotten headaches constantly my whole life and now that ive had one bc of switching meds im convinced im gonna have an aneurysm and die. if my arm hurts for just a second too long im convinced im having a heart attack. if i can hear my heart beating then im just sitting there waiting for it to explode or something cuz it has to be going too fast. i just cant function like this when im in a constant state of panic over every single thing and i dont even know why im feeling like this in the first place!! why am i dizzy and nauseous and spacey ?? i take my vitamins and i stay hydrated but i still feel like shit constantly and theres nothing i can do about it cuz nobody knows whats wrong!!

right now i feel hungry and my stomach is growling, and i saw a warning for a rare side effect of wellbutrin that manifests by spaceyness, and extreme hunger. guess what im scared of now. yep. thats my life.

i just wanna go to a doctors office and have them perform every single possible test on me. put me thru an mri, do every blood test imaginable, give me every kind of scan or exam there is, just do everything so i can know whats going on in there and tell me that im fine and there is nothing physically wrong with me and that im not suffering from stomach cancer, diabetes, heart failure, epilepsy, brain cancer, and lung cancer all at once . because my brain legit convinces me that i am and its so exhausting. im tired of it

I just wanna feel normal and not live like this anymore

[jiangsspace]

Pins and Needles | 04

>> Taehyung gets hurt and Na-Eun is furious at you.

Pairing: Kim Taehyung x fem!reader

Word count: 2,6K

Genre: angst, fluff, actor!taehyung

Warning! Not gender inclusive. This fiction does not include gender neutral terms nor gender neutral concepts. The entertainment business has a long way to go, in providing equality, although progress has been made. This is only fictional and should not be taken very seriously.

Plot: Taehyung gets his first role in a big movie production. He is excited but he knows he’s on it, because his girlfriend, Na-Eun, negotiated with the producers of the movie. What happens when a seasoned costumier with a dark past and an actor with severe seizures meet in the brutal world of entertainment?

Note! All resemblance to real life people is unintentional and all characters, for the exception of Taehyung of course, are the fruit of my imagination.

Two months into the production and Taehyung had managed to crack open your wall and shed some light in you. He would try and steal glances from you from time to time, when you stood in the shadows, ready to help if someone needed to fix their costume. They rarely did, so most of the day you lingered in your room sewing for your own pleasure.

Taehyung was in the middle of a battle scene and the director was monitoring his performance with keen hawk eyes. Taehyung’s physique definitely suited these kinds of movies. He had a lean build and was fairly muscular. Something the entertainment industry liked to call a Robin Hood-build.

The scene was cut and immediately stylists rushed over to him and started pampering him, asking him if he needed anything and patted his skin dry from sweat. You were looking from afar thinking Taehyung hadn’t noticed you, but he had taken the habit of always inspecting his surroundings to see if you were there. When you weren’t there he felt a little uneasy, and when you were he thought his performance was better.

One of the stylists, ever so obviously placed their hand on his arm when patting his forehead with a cold cloth. She was laughing and trying to spark a conversation, which went in vain since Taehyung was stealing glances at you.

Suddenly uninterested by the flirting scene in front of you you turned on your heels and walked back to your room to finish the medieval dress-project you had began the other night when you didn’t feel like going home to your demons.

Not even fifteen minutes passed that Taehyung was knocking on your door. You opened it slowly, no need to encourage his visits when he had a girlfriend. Someone would still get ideas and it would be the end of your career. Maybe his too.

“Hey, you left.” Taehyung’s statement stayed in the air as an awkward filler. “What are you making?” He quickly tried to change the subject by focusing on the dress on the mannequin.

You followed his gaze and registered where it landed. You laughed awkwardly and went between Taehyung and the floor-length dress, as if to protect it from view.

“It’s not done yet. No one was supposed to see it.” You felt bad for him. He was only trying to be nice and you shot him down. “I don’t feel confident enough yet to show my work like this.”

He noticed how your voice had grown quieter as you spoke and you were being shy around him. He had already noticed that when he placed his hand on your arm after laughing together. You had winced and asked him not to touch using the excuse that you were sensitive.

“I say we make a deal.” Taehyung offered his hand and spoke in a more relaxed tone to calm you. “I don’t get to see your unfinished work until they are done, but could you come watch me shoot? It calms me for some reason.”

Your head snapped up in confusion. Your eyes were curious yet suspicious. Taehyung figured you weren’t the kind to take things like that as a compliment.

“What do you mean it calms you when I’m around?” Your voice was small and Taehyung could almost see how you wrapped yourself in yourself and closed off from the world. As if to protect.

“I like to know you’re watching me when I shoot.” Taehyung flashed a friendly smile. He always seemed to have a smile on his face, except when Na-Eun was at the studio. It wouldn’t have surprised you if she was one of the producers of this movie or her father’s company was.

“But like, not in a creepy way,” he laughed throwing his head back. He was showing so much genuine emotion that you little by little loosened your grip on the prejudice you had of him. “You calm me, that’s all.”

You nodded shyly. “If you want I can show you the sketches I made for this dress.” You walked over to a drawer in the side room and pulled out a piece of paper. The drawing was in black and white but you had wrote the colors down. Taehyung had followed you in and leaned over your shoulder to look at it.

“I love it!” he ran his fingers along the lines and stared at the picture for a while without saying anything. He took one step closer to stick his face closer.

You felt his front pressing against your behind and it made you sick to the stomach. Not because it was Taehyung but because the contact was too sudden and explicit. It felt so raw and threw you off guard. In fear and disgust you let the paper fall and turned around like a whip.

Taehyung was surprised and knelt down to pick the picture up and give it back to you, but seeing Taehyung on his knees in front of you made you lose it. You had to get out and take a breather. Taehyung on his knees changed into another man on his knees pleading to get a taste of you and caressing your thighs. He kept repeating how his wife didn’t need to know and that you were so beautiful he couldn’t help himself.

Crying was for the weak and you didn’t want to show Taehyung how weak you were, in fact. But the emotions were so strong the tears came down on their own and stained your cheeks. Your breath was hitched in your throat and breathing became very laborious.

Taehyung got up like an arrow and made the mistake of trying to hug you. He hadn’t realized he was partly the reason you were so distressed. When his arms wrapped around you, your hands flew up to his chest to create some distance between you.

“Get off me!” Your tears were preventing you from seeing clearly and making you more anxious than you already were. You pushed him away, but he didn’t move. To an outsider it must’ve looked like Taehyung was comforting you, but it felt more like an attack. Taehyung’s arms around you made you think of someone else. It made you want to cry out in anger.

You pushed again harder, and Taehyung gave in and stumbled away from the force your fists elicited. At that, you dropped to the floor trying to gather yourself.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t-” Taehyung couldn’t finish his sentence. He dropped to the floor with you with sad eyes. Pity was the first feeling he must’ve felt.

The next morning Taehyung knocked on the door again. Shooting hadn’t started yet and he wanted to offer you a coffee. But no one answered the door even when he knocked for the third time. His eyebrows scrunched in disappointment as the coffee in his hand became colder and colder.

He had to be on set in five minutes and he decided to leave the coffee by the door for you to see. He got a pen and wrote your name on it.

He was tired and out of breath by the second take. No one seemed to notice his heavy breathing and sloppily moving limbs. Action was shouted time after time and Taehyung thought his body would soon collapse. His partner was also unaware of his state and kept striking ruthlessly like during rehearsals.

Taehyung was now completely aware if he was one beat late he would get the punch of his life. The thought seemed funny enough to consider, but Taehyung was too tired to really know what was smart and what wasn’t.

If it wasn’t the will of someone higher than humans Na-Eun walked to the studio and locked eyes with Taehyung, as his supporting actor punched him straight in the face. Taehyung’s lip explosed and the blow was strong enough to leave him unconscious.

A scream of agony could be heard from the main studio as you sat in your room watching intently at the coffee cup which had your name written on it. Taehyung’s handwriting was neat and clear, easily readable. Just like him.

Quick steps were heard from the corridor and you knew they belonged to Na-Eun. No stylist wore high heels during the day at work.

You were still sat on your chair, needle and thread in hand. You had taken a break from the medieval dress as it made you nauseous to look at it. Socks were the perfect cure for nausea and stress. And right now you had the feeling Na-Eun was coming to you.

The noise grew louder and louder the closer the source approached your door. Before you knew it, a bull-like raging Na-Eun appeared in the doorway and stormed in to grab you by the hair, but you expected that kind of behavior so you spun around in your chair and escaped her barely. Luckily you had shorter hair, so she couldn’t grab your ponytail.

“You bitch!” She was raging and lava was pouring out of her ears. “Because of you Taehyung had another bout at home and now he’s too tired to shoot.” 

You stood wordless in front of her. Na-Eun hadn’t witnessed anything that happened yesterday.

“Taehyung just received a punch in the face, because of you.” Her words were dripping with poison and her eyes glared at you. Still, you were unable to say a word. She really was a terrifying person. “He’s so tired, because he stayed here with you last night. He’s my boyfriend, keep your hands off of him!” she snapped with such force that she stumbled backwards.

She was fuming with rage and your reaction wasn’t the one she had hoped to witness. You were cold and nonchalant but Na-Eun wanted to see you on the floor crawling at her feet, begging for forgiveness. It was the least she expected from you, from Taehyung, from everyone.

She tried to take a step forward to intimidate you, but you stood your ground with an expression of steel. Not one muscle moved on your face even though you screamed from the inside. Na-Eun stared at you, clearly calculating whether you were a fight worth fighting.

“Keep your hands off of him. He’s mine!” She took one more step forward but surrendered quickly when she noticed you still hadn’t moved. Na-Eun lifted her hand to slap you as a sign of warning, but her hand never touched you because someone’s hand was keeping her from hitting you.

Na-Eun gasped in surprise as she felt Taehyung’s long fingers wrapped around her slender white wrist.

“Don’t touch her, Na-Eun,” voice full of dominance he growled “or you’ll regret it.”

“Tae-?” she winced as his grip on her tightened. “Taehyung, you’re hurting me.” He let go approaching you carefully. Like a hunter trying to soothe a scared animal, he didn’t touch you. Simply whispered in a calm tone to bring you back to this moment. 

Na-Eun scoffed and crossed her arms across her chest, clearly annoyed. Taehyung paid no attention to her, she was air to him. You were the only thing that mattered. Taehyung didn’t know what had happened to you in the past, but he was determined never to see such pain on your face as yesterday.

He had stayed with you for what seemed like hours, to soothe you and talk to you about himself and his problems. He didn’t think you were actually listening, so letting his guard down he poured his soul into your hands and a little bit into your heart. Truth is, you had listened to every word and tasted the bitter taste of each and every one of them. Taehyung really was trapped in a lie of a relationship and a maze with no way out.

“Can you hear me?” he used your name for the first and it seemed to work since your eyes snapped up to his in confusion. As if you had just woken up. “I’m here with you now.”

“You two really are something,” Na-Eun laughed coldly “Your mind is crippled and she can’t speak.”

Taehyung turned to look at her with a passion she had never seen in him. Something he had never even experienced in his life. This feeling of rebellion and standing up to himself gave him the courage to stand in front of Na-Eun and stare at her in the eyes. She had dark brown eyes which were considered beautiful, but Taehyung knew what she was like in private.

“We’re done. This- this sick deal we have is over. I don’t care what rumors you decide to spread about me, I know I’m the better person here.” Taehyung received strength from every word he uttered and his posture now made him look enormous. Na-Eun didn’t quiver, but her lips were shaking. She was clearly intimidated by him and the sudden power he had wielded.

When Na-Eun had left the room you fell to your knees, supporting your body with your arms extended straight and your hair fell to your face. Taehyung knelt down to be at eye level with you but didn’t initiate contact. If you were going to touch him, the action had to begin by you.

“I don’t need to be saved.” You managed to mutter out. Embarrassed to know that Taehyung had witnessed you at your worst, unable to defend yourself and standing like a terrified deer that wanted nothing but to run away.

“Even the strongest need to be saved,” Taehyung laughed. “You aren’t alone in this world.” Taehyung hesitated to confess what he had wanted to say for so long. You hadn’t lifted your head the entire time you were left alone. “And I need you to save me.”

The winter passed and spring flowers were blooming when the production was just at its end. The almost two year long project had taken a toll on everyone, but the results turned out successful. Taehyung received an award for his performance and the movie was a box-office hit. Na-Eun and Taehyung still had to work together as she was one of the producers, but further major conflicts were avoided. Taehyung had you to ground him.

He spent every night with you, in your room watching you work. He no longer called you needle fairy, but used your real name. 

“Taehyung, you did well.” With a smile you offered a cup of coffee to the exhausted actor. The last scene had just been wrapped and the actor was dripping with sweat. Before coming to you, he had shooed away all the attention-seeking stylists who wished to be close to him. He only wanted you.

“Thank- thank you,” he had yet to steady his breathing as his chest was rising and falling at inconsistent intervals. “I feel drained.”

He took the paper cup from your hands and your fingers brushed together. It felt extremely cliché, but you thought someone had plugged a wire in your spine to send electric shocks across your entire body. The contact felt so new and pure. For the first time in ten years, touching someone else felt natural and good.

Taehyung never asked about your past which made you respect him even more. He didn’t necessarily need to know what had happened to you, in order to establish a true relationship with him. Over time you would be so comfortable around each other that touching wouldn’t be a problem. 

And if you were being honest, you had deprived yourself from human contact for so long in the fear of getting hurt again. No one could be trusted in the business and you practically breathed the costumes you created and took pride in the work you did. Taehyung didn’t want to hurt you or make you fear him. He needed you as much as you needed him.

“Do you want to come to my room and try this new jacket I made?” He whined like a tired child but followed you anyway, his needle fairy.

one | two | three | four

 this concludes the final installment of Pins and Needles. It’s been quite a ride, but I made it. Some of you might know that I’m not very talented when it comes to these long pieces, so I hope it made some sense and that the text was good. Thank you xxx

[sickficlover]

Sick Yuuri/Viktor request

The tumblr app ate an ask… again 😑… Anyway, @dontfeelsogood requested a fic with both Yuuri and Viktor sick and taking care of each other. I hope could do them justice, it was a lot of fun to write.

Warning: Descriptions of vomiting below the cut!

***

Yuuri woke up feeling absolutely horrible. His head throbbed, his stomach was in knots and despite the covers, that should have been heated up by his body over the night, he was shivering. He was definitely sick. But he had a competition in a week from now, so there was no way he could miss out on training.

The black haired skater groaned and tried to sit up, only to be met with a horrible spell of dizziness. He sat on the edge of his bed, holding his head and waited for the world to stop spinning. When he could see more or less straight, he took his glasses from the night table, put them on and got up carefully.

He got dressed and went down for a small breakfast, a bowl of rice with some egg, and tried to ignore the angry churning of his stomach. His mother told him, that Viktor had already left, so he took his jacket immediately after finishing, put on his shoes and went after his coach.

When he stepped outside, he couldn’t suppress a shiver going down his spine. Despite the sun shining it felt terribly cold to him. Well, he would get warmer when he started to jog.

Halfway to the ice rink, ‘though, Yuuri had to stop. His head was spinning and his stomach really hurting now from all the jostling. He took a deep breath to calm down and then continued at a slower pace. He desperately tried not to think about what skating would do to him in that state.

When he finally arrived at the rink, Viktor was already there, standing in the middle of the ice with a pensive expression on his face. He turned around when he heard the door and a smile crossed his face when he saw his boyfriend.

“Yuuri, finally! I already thought you wouldn’t grace me with your presence today!” he exclaimed cheerfully. Yuuri just managed a weak smile in response. That seemed to catch Viktor’s attention. He skated closer to his protégé and gave him a once over with narrowed eyes.

“Don’t bother putting on your skates. You’re going back home”, he then announced in a stern voice.

“Wha—but I have to practice for the competition next week!” Yuuri started to protest. “I’m still not good enough at the quads in the second half and – “

“You’re pale, tired looking, shivering and swaying on your feet”, Viktor listed, crossing his arms. “You’re clearly sick, so there’s no way I can let you skate today, not as your coach and definitely not as your boyfriend!”

Yuuri let out a defeated sigh and slumped down on one of the benches. He knew that there was no arguing with Viktor now, and to be honest he was relieved that he didn’t have to train. He probably would have passed out or thrown up on the ice. Or both. And he sure as hell didn’t want that.

He closed his eyes exhaustedly, only to startle and open them again when something cool was pressed against his forehead.

“You definitely have a fever,” Viktor stated and drew his hand back again and sat down next to him. “Anything else wrong?”

Yuuri shivered. “Head hurt’s. Stomach too…” he mumbled and leaned against his boyfriend, resting his head on the other’s shoulder. “ ‘n feel dizzy…”

“Do you think you’re going to be sick?” Viktor asked concerned. Yuuri shrugged. He really wasn’t sure, his stomach felt really weird.

“God, how did you even make it here, darling?” the silver haired man sighed and ran his hand through his boyfriend’s hair. Yuuri just shrugged again and moved closer to Viktor.

“I’ll call your father to have him come and pick us up with the car,” the Russian decided. Yuuri nodded. That sounded like a very good idea.

***

Maybe Yuuri had dozed off, because it felt like only a few seconds until Viktor nudged him gently and told him that his father had arrived.

He let himself be helped to the car by his boyfriend and leant back into the seat with a sigh. That was indeed much better than walking.

That feeling didn’t last ‘though. As soon as the car started, he started to feel incredibly nauseous. He bent forward in his seat, wrapped his arms around his stomach, closed his eyes and groaned.

“Yuuri, are you okay?” Viktor asked next to him and rested a hand on his back. The younger skater didn’t dare to move in order to answer and instead concentrated on not puking into his father’s car, while Viktor rubbed his back silently.

The ride back to Yuutopia was really short, but for Yuuri it felt like an eternity. When they finally pulled up in front of the house he was swallowing convulsively, his mouth producing far too much saliva.

Viktor helped him out of the car.

“Let’s get you to bed, love,” he said, brow creased in concern. But Yuuri just shook his head and covered his mouth with his hand. Viktor understood.

“Bathroom then,” he said and gently guided the raven upstairs.

As soon as Yuuri was kneeling in front of the toilet, he bent over the bowl, arms curled around his midsection and let out a week cough, spitting up some excess saliva. He panted for a few moments before he suddenly lurched forward with an unproductive heave, soon followed by another. He felt incredibly nauseous now, but he just couldn’t get anything up.

“Shh,” Viktor said soothingly next to him, rubbing his back again. “It’s going to be fine, love. You’ll feel better once you get it all up.”

Yuri leaned over further and gagged towards the water. Then suddenly his whole body shuddered and he finally brought up a stream of fluids and semi-digested breakfast.

“Oh, Yuuri,” Viktor sighed sympathetically. Yuuri wanted to reassure him that he was fine, but another wave of vomit cut him off. Several painful heaves later his stomach was finally emptyan he fell back against his boyfriend, panting softly.

He didn’t feel better at all, on the contrary. His stomach was now sore and cramping, his head throbbed from the exertion, his throat burned from the bile and he felt incredibly cold. He closed his eyes and felt tears escaping his lids.

Viktor shifted him until he was resting against the older man’s chest, a gentle thumb wiping down his cheek.

“Shh, hey, none of that,” Viktor said softly. “Come on, let’s get you to bed.” Yuuri complied wordlessly and let his boyfriend lead him to his bedroom where he was carefully undressed and put under the covers.

“I’ll be right back”, Viktor said and left the room. Yuuri closed his eyes and dozed off, only to be awoken by a hand stroking his hair.

“Hey,” Viktor whispered. “You can sleep in a minute, but I want to take your temperature first, okay?”

“ ‘mkay”, Yuuri croaked in response and let the thermometer be shoved under his tongue.

“That’s pretty high, darling”, Viktor said after looking at the display frowning. “Think you can handle some medicine?” The younger man nodded hesitantly, ‘though he didn’t quite trust his stomach yet.

But he let himself be helped to sit up and obediently took a pill and a glass of water from Viktor, swallowing the pill and drinking about half of the water. Then he fell back onto his pillow and closed his eyes. Almost immediately he drifted off into unconsciousness.

***

Viktor sat next to Yuuri’s bed and watched his boyfriend sleep. He was concerned by how fast the others condition had deteriorated. Lying in his bed now, the raven looked incredibly sick, face pale save for two angry red spots on his cheeks, hair matted to his sweaty forehead. It broke the Russian’s heart to see him in this state.

Despite the medicine Yuuri didn’t sleep peacefully, brow creasing and eyes darting around under the lids.

He had only slept for an hour and some when his eyes suddenly shot open and he rolled to his side gagging. Viktor acted as fast as he could, getting the bowl he had brought with him earlier under the sick skater’s chin just in time for all the water to spill back out of him.

Viktor winced and rubbed his boyfriends back, trying to ignore the sick feeling that started to spread in his own stomach. After a few moments Yuuri started dry heaving before falling back and looking at Viktor with glazed over eyes.

“Here, sweetheart, you should try to drink something”, Viktor said and took the glass of water from the night stand. “We don’t want you to get dehydrated.”

Yuuri just nodded and managed to take a few sips before drifting off again.

The following hours until evening were a constant cycle of Yuuri waking up, being sick into the bowl, drinking some water, occasionally taking some more medicine and going back to an unsettled sleep. Viktor did his best, cleaning out the bowl, getting more water, taking his boyfriend’s temperature and wiping his forehead with a cool cloth from time to time.

It was only when Yuuri’s mother came to ask if he wanted any dinner, that he noticed that he hadn’t eaten anything since breakfast. He felt a little sick himself, from watching Yuuri throw up so often or from hunger he couldn’t say, so he smiled and nodded. It couldn’t really hurt, could it? And in addition to that he probably needed energy for the night.

He decided to eat downstairs, in order not to upset Yuuri’s stomach again with the smell of food. It only took him twenty minutes to finish a bowl of rice and some vegetables, but he was really anxious when he went back up, in fear of Yuuri having woken up and finding himself all alone.

To his relief Yuuri was still sleeping when he entered the room. Good. Viktor resumed his place next to the bed, took up a book and tried to pass his time a little.

***

To call the night rough would have been an understatement. Yuuri’s temperature spiked at around half past eleven, he couldn’t keep anything down for more than a few moments and was close to delirious.

Viktor had his hands full with caring for him, checking his temperature every thirty minutes, patting his head to calm him down when he woke up all disoriented and tried to bring his temperature down.

At around three in the morning Yuuri’s temperature was down to a manageable level and he finally managed to fall into a more peaceful slumber. At this point, Viktor himself was beyond exhausted, he shivered, his circulation being down from fatigue.

He didn’t know when he fell asleep, but he woke up at around six in the morning, half lying on Yuuri’s bed, with his head on his crossed arms. His head felt heavy and for a moment he considered just going back to sleep as he was, when suddenly he felt his stomach do a flip.

He shot into a sitting position, which made his stomach lurch painfully. This was more than mere queasiness. He felt really sick and he was definitely going to throw up. He cupped his mouth in his hand and debated what to do.

The bowl Yuuri had thrown up into all night was still sitting next to the bed, but that would definitely wake his boyfriend up. Bathroom then.

Viktor stood up and made his way to the door, trying to ignore the black spots dancing around in front of his eyes. Outside the room he stopped for a moment, taking deep breaths in order to calm his stomach at least a little, only to gag into his hand involuntarily. He cursed under his breath and hurried to the bathroom as fast as he could, not wanting to soil his hosts’ hallway.

Once he was there, he didn’t even bother to turn the light on, just collapsed to his knees in front of the toilet, pushing the lid up and gripping the rim of the bowl with both hands. Almost immediately his whole body lurched and a stream of bile and the dinner he had eaten the night before spilled out of him.

The bile burned terribly, throwing him into a coughing fit over the toilet. He tried to keep it as quiet as possible but another violent heave cut into his efforts. He brought up several more mouths full of vomit before he got a short reprieve, staying panting over the bowl, when suddenly the light went on.

“Vitya?”

He shot around which sent a sharp pain through his stomach, making him gasp.

“Ah… Yuuri, what are you doing here? Did I wake you?” he asked, trying to mask the pain.

His boyfriend was standing in the door, wrapped in a blanket, his hair ruffled from sleeping. He still looked too pale, but his eyes were more focused than they had been the day before and currently directed at a certain silver haired Russian with a frown.

“You should go to bed, you’re still si—ugh!” Viktor tried to say, but was cut off by another gag that had him jerk over the toilet and bring up more of his stomach contents. Yuuri was by his side in a split second, rubbing his back as Viktor had done for him almost all night.

“Shit, Vitya! Did you catch it from me?” he inquired, sounding guilty. Viktor shook his head.

“Don’ think so,” he whispered. “Probably caught it wherever you got it…” He coughed up another mouth full of bile, his stomach now being mostly empty.

“Yuuri, y-you really should go back to bed,” he croaked, whole body shaking. “You’re still s-sick…”

The raven haired man just shook his head, rubbing his boyfriend’s back a little more firmly.

“I’m better,” he said sternly, even ‘though he was clearly extremely exhausted and probably still had a fever. “You took good care of me, now it’s my turn to look after you.”

Viktor shook his head. He felt like shit and all he wanted was sleep, but he still worried over his boyfriend.

“Go b-back to bed! You have a competition next week!” he demanded again, trying to sound like Yakov when his old coach put his foot down, but the dry heave that followed immediately afterwards kind of destroyed the effect. Yuuri shook his head again, but then seemed to pause and think before a smile spread over his pale features.

“I’ll go back to bed if you come with me, Vitya!” he announced. Viktor couldn’t help but chuckle weakly.

“I don’t think I’m i-in the m-mood for… k-katsudon right now,” he croaked. A light red hue spread painted Yuuri’s face that was definitely not from the fever.

“Th-that’s not what I meant!” he protested embarrassed. Viktor sighed and let his head drop to the cool toilet rim.

“I know, sweetheart”, he whispered. Then he reached up to flush the toilet and let himself be helped back to Yuuri’s room where the two of them climbed back into the bed, Yuuri being the big spoon for once. He gently massaged Viktor’s sore and cramping stomach while the older man gradually fell asleep.

Just before he drifted off, he managed a small “I love you, Yuuri”.

He was rewarded with a fond “I love you too, Vitya,” then he fell asleep.

[alittlecupoftea]

Holding you

You were pulling away from me. You were calculating your every move to ensure that you wouldn’t break. My heart was pounding with both nerves and fear. You looked fragile, like a bird, and I didn’t want to be the one to break you. I smiled, warm and friendly, and knowingly nodded. I had heard about your friend and what had happened.

           “I can come back later.” I quickly offered. I think you needed more space to both digest what had happened and grieve.

           It took you a few seconds before you shook your head and took my hand. “Come in.” Something in you had made you change your mind and I didn’t want you to regret that.

           Your hand was warm and I fell into you for a hug, trying to take away some of the pain. You were pushing me away in a flash. You shrunk under my arms, resisting me but I wrapped my arms tighter around you, not wanting to let you go. I was afraid of what would happen if I let you go. I didn’t know how you were coping. I know you had several questions and no answers. You were hurting with every passing second. I wished I could help you but I didn’t know what I could do. I knew that your pain was stronger than my words. I didn’t have anything else to give you.

           “Your brother called me earlier.” I softly said into your shoulder. I was on my toes to get my arms around you. “Are you okay?”

           You quickly pulled away and kissed me hard on the mouth. “I’m fine.” Yet I could see that you weren’t. Your eyes gave it away. The pain was there, fresh and raw. You were doing your best to ignore it and be fine but it wasn’t working, was it? I didn’t think that this was the best way to deal with your pain but I wanted to give you the time and space. That was all I thought I could do.

           We took a seat on the couch and sat in silence. I couldn’t bear looking at you like this but I intended to be here for you.

           “I’m going out tonight with the boys.” I didn’t turn to look at you but I wondered how you were in the mood to hang out with your friends right now.

           “Okay.” I whispered, more to myself than to him. I was choosing my words carefully. Maybe going out was exactly what you needed. I couldn't be the judge here.

           “Jessie should be here in a few minutes to pick me up.” You prompted. You wanted me out. You were closing yourself off from me. You were regretting inviting me in.

           I finally turned to look at you. I gave you a hesitant smile and immediately got up. “I’ll see you tomorrow.” My voice came out broken and I almost cried in front of you.

           You didn’t bother showing me out. I walked out the door by myself, feeling at unease. I didn’t know how to console you so I left you there to drown in your pain. What could I do to make you feel better? I took one last look at you to wave goodbye but you weren’t looking my way. I felt my heart plunging inside of me but I didn't know what else to do. I should've turned around and held you. I should've been there for you.

           I spent hours in my car in a random parking lot, thinking about you. I got a call from your brother while I was driving home. I pulled over to pick up. He was wondering where you were. I told him you were hanging out with Jessie but I didn't know where. I asked him what was wrong but he didn’t say anything specific. He was just wondering where you were.

           “Do you think he’s okay?” I was concerned about you just as much as he was. Thinking about seeing you earlier in pain brought me to tears.

           “He’ll be fine. Don’t worry.”

           “He didn’t look fine.” I countered.

           I wanted to come up with a remedy to fix you but your brother wasn’t helping. There was silence on his end and I hung up, frustrated. I called you, worried out of my mind, but you didn’t pick up. I was getting more worried by the second and felt like throwing up at this point. The nerves in my stomach were intense, broiling like lamb chops. I started driving towards Jessie’s house, speeding down residential streets. I figured you guys were drinking at his house and I was relieved to see Jessie’s blue Mazda in his parking lot. I was glad I was right.

           I rang the doorbell twice in a hurry. I was anxious waiting8 for Jessie to open the door. I needed to know right now that you were okay. Jessie, looking a little buzzed, opened the door. He seemed surprised to see me. He shouted back inside to you that I was here. I almost pushed past him to get to you but I stood there, waiting, incase you didn't want to come with me. But you came and I was stunned to see your eyes red. You stumbled into me and said my name in a slur. I felt nauseous looking at you in this state but wrapped my arms around you. I knew you were safer with me.

           “Come on, let’s get you home.” I said, my voice breaking again. I had my arm around you, holding you tight as though you would slip away.

           You shook your head but took my hand. In your drunken state, you wanted to get away from the alcohol and the disaster state of everyone's grief combined inside. I guided you down the porch and into my car. I told Jessie we were leaving before closing his door and getting into my car.

           “I’m not okay.” You said once I got in. I was relieved that you admitted it to me. You weren't fine. It was the first step, wasn't it?

           I gripped at the steering wheel and let out a huge sigh. I chose my words carefully because I didn’t want to get you upset. “It’s okay to feel this way. It's okay to grieve.” After what you had been through, I understood what you were feeling. I wanted you to know that it was okay.

           “Is it?” You yelled, slurring your words. "I feel like every fibre in my being is tearing apart." I was afraid that you would get aggressive what with all that alcohol in you but you instead started sobbing. “How does something like this happen?” You cried, wiping at your eyes. “I just don’t understand why. Why would someone do something like that?”

           I shook my head. I could feel your pain but I didn’t know how to console you. “I don’t know.” I wanted to hold you so I pulled you towards me. “It’ll get better. I don’t know how but it’ll be okay.”

           You were sobbing quietly, letting out all your tears with your head against my shoulder. With my arms around you, I smoothed our your hair and rubbed your shoulder. I was trying my best to be there for you both emotionally and physically. I hated seeing you like this. You smelled of alcohol and tears. As much as you felt terrible, you looked the part too. I didn’t let go of you for a while. I closed my eyes tight and wouldn't let you go. We stayed like that for a while, your sobs the only noise in the car.

           I drove you home eventually and brought you up to your porch. I didn’t want you stumbling and breaking any bones. I hugged you tight again and told you to get some sleep. I didn’t know what to say to make you feel better. I put my hands on the sides of your face and took a good look at you. Your cheeks were still wet and your eyes red. I wiped the tears away with my thumb and pressed my nose against yours.

           “It’s going to be okay.” I whispered. I kissed your cheek and smiled as I took in your features once more. Before you could say anything in reply, your brother opened the door.

           “How is he?” He looked at me. I could see the concern he had for you in his tired expression.

           I gave him a tight smile. “He’ll be okay.” I repeated his words back to him.

           “Thanks for getting him home.”

           “Don’t mention it.” I looked at your brother for a minute and let go of your hand. “Let him get some sleep.”

           You took my hand and slurred. “Please don’t go.”

           I smiled at your brother and pulled my hand away. I couldn’t stay. It hurt too much to see you like this. “I can’t.” I whispered.

           “You can stay for a bit if you want.” Your brother welcomed me in. He both wanted me there for you and knew how much I loved you. I nodded and you took my hand again, making me smile.

           I tucked you into bed after your brother helped you into your pajamas. I sat there on the side of your bed until you fell asleep. I smoothed your hair out as though you were a little boy and kissed your forehead goodnight before closing your bedroom door behind me.

           Before leaving, I approached your brother and asked for water to place by your bedside. Your brother watched me as I kissed you on the forehead goodnight once more. I turned to him as I closed the door behind me and said, “He’s taking it hard.”

           He nodded. “I know. I don’t know how he’s going to get past this.”

           I let out a loud sigh. “As long as we’re here for him he’ll be fine.” I patted him on the shoulder and told him to call me if anything happened.

           It would be hard but you would be okay in the end. I was going to be there for you through thick and thin. Whenever you needed me, I would be there. I loved you that much. I wasn't going to let you go.

[kaylainbloom]

An IUD-- what to “expect”

So I am a 20 year old female who has never had children before and I wanted to get on birth control. I did a whole lot of research, went to various GYNs, and weighed my options. I get horrible cramps, like keep you in bed, sweating, light headed, blackout, throw up cramps. In 2016, for the first time ever, my cramps were getting better (but that might also be because I was pumping myself full of tylenol and aleve). I was sick and tired of taking medication that I knew we killing my liver and kidneys, I also wised up and realized a 20-year-old sexually active woman should be on birth control.

After my search for birth control, I realized that an IUD would be my best option. I know I’m forgetful so the pill was out, I also have problems with fibroadenomas and hormones, so anything with estrogen was out. My doctors and I came to the decision that an IUD was best for me. I just had to choose between Mirena, Paraguard or Skyla.

All IUDs are recommended for women who have had a child. as stated before I DO NOT.

Mirena is a small, flexible, T-shaped device that is implanted in the uterus. Mirena uses levonorgesterel– a progestin birth control hormone–and slowly releases a small amount into the uterus over time. Because it releases hormones directly into the uterus, it releases a lower level of hormones into the body than oral contraceptive pills. The IUD slows or stops the movement of the sperm and egg by changing cervical mucus, fallopian tubes and the uterine lining. It takes about 7 days for the hormonal IUD to start working, and it remains effective for 5 to 7 years. Mirena is known to lessen periods to the point that it could completely go away.

My other option was a Paraguard. Paragard is also a type of IUD but it is copper and does not have any hormones. It works because it cuts off sperms access to your eggs. Periods tend to worsen with a Paraguard IUD.

My last choice was Skyla. Like Mirena, Skyla releases progestin into the body. Unlike Mirena it is only good for 3 years. As with Mirena, you might experience some changes in your period, including having no period at all but unlike Mirena, some women experience increased menstrual bleeding and discomfort.

*all of the IUD come with side effects such as ovarian cysts, acne, or breast tenderness, or have abdominal or pelvic pain, allergic reaction and a depressed mood that I encourage you to look upon your own*

Because of my already pre-existing cramps, I decided to go with Mirena. As I stated before IUDs are recommended for women who have had a child, this is due to the fact that the device is implanted in the uterus. If you’ve never had a child before your cervix is pretty much completely shut, there are instances of doctors not being able to insert the IUD because they cannot get the cervix open which is an extremely painful process.

I searched the deeps corners of the internet at 2am the day before my procedure and found all these horror stories of terrible pain and cramping for months at a time (you can look these up on your own but I don’t recommend it). I almost backed out. I asked my friends about their experiences because I figured people only went on the internet to tell the horrible ones, and the anxious person I am I just had to know if the procedure and the recovery was as bad as everyone was saying. This is what they had to say:

“Lmao no lie it was shitty afterwards I was spotting like brown stuff for legit 2 months and was crampy, I lived on aleeve. But now? Bitch. Whos a period? I DONT know her. Cramps? Mood swings? Can’t relate. It’s not bad it hurts a little but it’ll be over really quickly” (mirena)

“The insertion was rough honestly, make sure you have a ride back cuz I thought I could walk back from the health center but I couldnt, it feels like intense period cramping. Then for a while afterwards your body goes through trying to reject it since its a foreign object in your body. So your first period after getting it is going to be terrible Im not gonna lie, i deadass thought I needed an ambulance lol and you're gonna spot on and off for a while until the IUD makes a home in your uterus. I wont lie its rough for the first few months until your body gets used to it so be prepared but honestly its the best thing I did. I got the paraguard so its hormone free. I was on birth control pills for so long and i really didnt react well to the hormones. When it comes to contraception I can 100% say the IUD is your best bet. 7-10 years baby free, you can get it taken out whenever you want. Although I will say, your partners may feel the strings that hang from the IUD from certain angels, but its a minor inconvenience compared to a baby LOL” (paraguard)

“so this is actually funny because I’ve unfortunately had nothing but problems since i’ve gotten the IUD. i first got it in December 2015 and i had the worst cramps of my life for a few weeks after and my period of super long lasting like 2-3 weeks. then i went for my 3 month check up and found out my body was rejecting the IUD so i got another put in and it just got worse. i started having ridiculously heavy periods and there were blood clots coming out. i thought i had uterine fibroids or cysts so i went to get an ultrasound and it turns out my body is rejecting the IUD again so i’m getting it removed monday because i’m just not eligible for it, unfortunately, i’m so upset about it because i really wanted it to work and i have friends that love it and have no complaints and it’s just so convenient cause you literally never worry about being pregnant”

“DONT WORRY! getting an IUD was literally the best decision i’ve made. Tthe forums will totally freak you out. and it’s definitely painful, but it just feels like a really bad period cramp that lasts like 30 seconds. i had cramps for at most two weeks after. and they weren’t constant just occasional. and i had like blood spotting for a little more than a month. of course it’s different for everyone! the forums scared me too but i personally feel it was worth it and i’ve had it for a little over 6 months now.”

Admittedly, even though there was some horror mixed in, this felt REAL. So I decided to go to my appointment. If you asked me now, id say it was a quick process, two sharp burst of pain then you’re done. Im on day 3 and I only had cramps for the first half an hour after but I took a tylenol-codiene leftover from a previous surgery before hand and Ive been taking aleve ever since. But when I got out of the procedure heres what I texted my boyfriend: That was the worst pain I’ve ever experienced in my life. So first they had to measure and dilate my cervix and apparently my cervix is small and short so when they opened it i like yelled cuz that shit hurt and that was the first pain and there was blood so she couldn’t see so it took longer then they went to put it in and before it was like cramping then it ended. But when they put this other thing idk what it was I think it was a way for them to slide the IUD in? That hurt so bad I screamed and tears came to my eyes. She said that should be the worst of it because putting in the IUD shouldn’t hurt more because everything was in place so if I could handle that I could handle the IUD. Then she put it in… I screamed and that shit felt like cramping mixed with a fucking knife and there was bleeding so they had to apply pressure and that shit hurt. So like once they were done it was like a dull constant pain. I laid there for a second and then i got dressed. After i got dressed i started shaking and sweating and i fell on the floor and they had to put me in the chair and took my blood pressure and it spiked. Apparently I went into shock. Im in the car rn the codeine finally kicked in but I’m still nauseous and shaky.”

I can’t remember pain, but I dealt with it, the whole procedure was less than 5 minutes and within a half an hour I was feeling better. My vagina was swollen that night but today its fine. I honestly think it was worth it. If the healing process goes well I’ll be ecstatic. Its only day 3 so I don’t want to get ahead of myself but everyone said that this would be the worst time, for me it feels fine. It might be because Im on pain killers but I didnt expect to be this good. I have little to no pain, some spotting but thats to be expected this first month. Im already happy with my decision and I will keep you updated (obviously much shorter lol) on how the healing process is going! Lemme know if y’all have any questions!