#it’s super interesting and I think I like this field of work
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Hi! Super sorry if this is a way too specific request. But do you know any systems that don't just treat magic knight/gish type characters as half-spellcaster and half-martial? Specifically looking for something that allows a magic knight sort of character to excel at magic and/or weapons to the same degree a more standard caster or martial character would, even if this means sacrificing something in a third category.
Sorry again if this is too obscure, take as long as you need with it and if you can't find anything that's okay too. I hope you have a nice day/night!
THEME: Magic Knights
Hello friend, so I started by looking for games where the characters were all blessed with supernatural powers, because I think if you're all supernaturally gifted, you're more likely going to get that balance you're looking for. That being said, I think I've also included a little bit of variety both in the basic recommendations as well as some add-ons at the end, so I hope that there's enough variety for something to pique your interest!
MourningStar, by devindecibel. @devindecibel
Lucifer, the former Archangel of Light, has died.
& their ever gloriously radiant body became the star which warms us.
We are the devilkith, those descended from the exiles of the Brilliant Garden & Hallowed star systems of Creation; those cursed to exalt sin.
We defend the Mourningstar, a haven for misfits, guarding the last iota of the Cosmos not conquered by the ever grasping empire of God.
Mourningstar is a “satanic” “biblepunk” dark science fantasy game about resistance, rebellion, othering, theology, individuality, misfits, colonialism, divine politics, infernal magic, & exploring the stars as swashbuckling devils. You will tell the story of a crew of Advocates, attachés to the Court of Lucifer & special agents of the Seven Prodigious Broods, the noble Archdemonic houses of devilkith in the Mourningstar System. Advocates explore the universe of Creation in their Chariot starship, defend the oppressed, skirmish with Angels & intrigue, & fight for the spirit of fierce identity.
Mourningstar is mechanically inspired by heavily narrative games, so I expect the archetypes provided to give players a strong concept to start with. One archetype is the Bastion, which is a knight whose armor is powered by demon blood, allowing them access to blood magic and access the ghosts of past knights' wisdom.
That being said, in its current stat, this is a crunchy game. Set-up is rather complex, and the game is built for campaigns, so if you're going to play this one, you should prepared for a long haul.
Thematically, Mourningstar is pretty specific; it's biblepunk, it's science fantasy, and it's rebellion. Your characters will have big grievances and bigger losses, but at the end of the day, your band of freaks is going to pull of some pretty impressive adventures. Currently the designer is working on updating the game, so you might want to keep an eye on this one!
Freelancer, by mammothbronco.
Welcome Freelancer, Freelancer takes place in a world of your choosing. A world balanced between an age of light and an age of dusk. Betwixt a time of prosperous endless summer and an unforgiving winter, a forgetting of things, a time where swords and blood rule. The makers of powerful artifacts known as relics have vanished; their knowledge disappeared within the dusk. The wealthy hide behind their walls, lusting for such an artifact, but the price is more costly than blood.
Freelancer feels very old-school fantasy, where magic is rare and difficult to wield. One thing that is very common in these old-school style games is the containment of magic in objects, rather than in innate abilities.Spells are things contained in relics, making them rather available to everyone.
There is still a distinct magic class, but the corruption of magic and the fact that you can use a relic without being a spellcaster feels like it puts folks on a slightly more equal playing field. Freelancer also feels more grounded in the typical fantasy tropes, which I think lends itself to leaning into the knight tropes that you might be interested in.
Guillotine: Crown of Blood, by Tally Owl Press.
Dive into a Gothic world that's rife with subterfuge and spellcasting alike, in this PBTA (Powered by the Apocalypse) hack that combines the dynamic, character-driven mechanics of Amour Astir with a dark, sprawling Gothic setting where the Crown reigns supreme. The Crown is a monarchical force that uses its populace for cannon fodder, magical tithing—whatever it wants. You play as a revolutionary with an axe to grind: some reason to want the King's head on the proverbial platter. You have magic, bargains, weapons, and grit at your disposal. You might even have friends and allies, if you're especially lucky. Either way, you and your players will craft a revolutionary narrative where the magic and prowess of the many can overcome the greed of the few.
Magic takes front and centre here, but according to the character sheets, your intent and approach seem very important and thus I think you could use weaponry to the same level of skill, as long as you put some thought into it. PbtA games are more focused on what makes the story interesting, rather than granular details such as weapon modifiers or range bands.
The character options for this game are drenched in themes and arcs; I think that this is a kind of game where you'll be sacrificing something personal and heartbreaking in order to succeed.Because you're fighting against the Crown, I think that your characters are going to feel much less knight-like, unless you play the Shadow Cavalier or perhaps a Partisan. If you want pathos and grit, you want Guillotine: Crown of Blood.
In Extremis, by @keganexe.
In Extremis is a tabletop roleplaying game designed for 2-6 players, about fighting back the man using necromancy, that uses the LUMEN system by Spencer Campbell. Inspired by The Locked Tomb trilogy, players take on the role of exceptionally powerful witches who use their mastery of life, death, and the human condition to keep them and their own safe from other planetary invaders who want to steal their land.
As a Necromancer, you are one of a handful of hideously powerful death witches that protect the planet Hecate, the final holdout for The Coven, from the ever encroaching war of the Corvus Dominion.
In Extremis was the first game I thought of when I saw this request, mostly because I'm familiar with the source material that inspired this game. You are first and foremost a magic user, but your ability to use a weapon is so so so important. The game is also built on the Lumen system, which rewards character abilities that stack, as well as tactical play that focuses on teamwork.
If you want gritty, dark badassery and a lot of corpses, you probably want In Extremis.
Dawnfire Warriors, by matara
The worldlords, the Nowdead Gods, have fallen and the lands they once ruled with wrath and divinity have exploded into an age of unprecedented warfare. You, as a dawnwalker, are a nigh-immortal juggernaut of death clad in the gods' own armor: dawnplate. Stride into battle with your honor guard and your allies, to claim territory and seize the drops of Godhead Ichor dripping from the astral corpses of the Nowdead as they hover over the world, morbid reminders of what came before.
Now is a time of war and fire. Shod yourself in dawnplate and carve through armies to claim what is yours.
Dawnfire Warriors is a one-page, high-strategy tactical game. It requires a grid and something to use as minis, to track your moves. That being said, combat is abstracted out to losses; how exactly you defeat your enemies or what weapons you wield is completely up to the player; all that matters is how well you take out your enemies, as well as how quickly you take them out.
Every character has magical armour and dawnfire abilities, which is attached to the armour you wear.There are three different kinds of dawnwalkers; the Marshal, whose abilities centre around leadership, the Tidewall, whose abilities focus on overwhelming the enemy, and the War Wizard, who's excellent at transporting forces around the field.
If you want a game that's more about strategy than history or lore, maybe consider Dawnfire Warriors.
Our Spell is Steel, by Switchback Worlds.
Our Spell Is Steel (OSIS) is a tabletop RPG built with the Forged In The Dark system, utilising a d10 dice mechanic influenced from World of Darkness.
You play as an Imperial Mancer, a mage who serves an Empire built on magic. Your world is surrounded on all sides by the three ancient Powers: the godlike Dragons, Spirits and Fey, locked in an eternal struggle for supremacy over each other. The Mancers learned the mysteries of magic from these Powers, which is now their only means of defending humanity from the overpowering beyond.
Your group forms a team of Mancers called a Clave. Mancers are born to serve the Empire, ruled by callous and ambitious Trueblood bloodlines who would be more than happy to sacrifice Newbloods like you as fodder and bargaining chips against the Powers.
Caught in the bloody game between gods and mages, will your Clave be the one to fight back against your fate and topple the board, lighting the fires of a magical revolution? Or will you perish before your time, your soul bound into servitude to the Powers, or your own magic killing you as arcane bloom chokes your veins?
All of the characters in this game are magical, but how they use those powers varies; different disciplines give you different kinds of powers. Forged in the Dark and WoD games (inspirations for this one) both give you the ability to improve different parts of your character sheets in different directions. So you could likely make a Wizard who focuses more on building up skills that rely on weapons, or you could start as an Ironheart and then tack on some Wizard abilities as you grow.
Other Thoughts….
Brimstone and Lead Arena, by MummyLaundering is very tactical and embraces magic for all characters, but uses guns instead of traditional fantasy weapons.
Magic & Might, by The_Bellmont, treats your character's magic and might equally, but the game itself is rather simple, and doesn't have the complexity that you might be looking for.
Echoes of the Broken, by Scribbles & Dice Games, appears to be a point-buy system that centres around characters that are supernaturally powerful, and I've recommended it in the past!
Exalted 3rd Edition, by Onyx Path Publishing, has sorcery that is immensely powerful, but I don't know how much the game separates sorcery from martial abilities; all of your characters are incredibly powerful, but I don't know what magic looks like for the martial characters.
Heart: The City Beneath by Rowan, Rook & Decard, has some really fascinating player options, including the Vermissian Knight, whose armour is train-powered, and who possesses an aetheric field that both protects you and can fuel your abilities.
Finally, if you like what I do, you can leave me a tip on my Ko-Fi page. <3
#magic knights#fantasy#sorcery#tabletop games#indie ttrpgs#game recommendations#dnd#asks#indie ttrpg
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Maybe I will make a continuous post like I did with the songs stuck in my head at my old job, but for survival strategies at my new job.
#life stuff#work stuff#i almost cried today because I’m so overwhelmed#which would have made this the second time I cried at the office#i managed to not cry by having a very nice chat with a coworker#but OOOF#This JOB#it’s super interesting and I think I like this field of work#but having to jump right into an existing system and having to learn as I go because all the projects are already in motion…#it’s so tough
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"You're running on your own, and that makes you slow."
#bakuage sentai boonboomger#boonboomger#super sentai#charge team captain madrex#madrex#mad rex#modification captain cannonborg#cannonborg#umbrella.gifs#userdramas#tokuedit#please do not repost#umbrella.edits#umbrella.posts#their chemistry...#to be fair cannonborg's job was mainly in modification and overseeing modifications and how best to modify under the circumstances#madrex is a team captain keyword team but that's not to say that cannonborg's inability to work with others is a plus#while it may be at hq when he's on the field he should make modifications for the situation that being he's overseeing a team and#is responsible for them and should be standing by them to create a more efficient play but his ego keeps him from doing so bc he thinks he'#perfect as is and doesn't need to change himself in any way which is very interesting considering how quick he is to want to modify others#i don't think the hits at him toward his ego helped in any way either but made him even less likely to help his team personally and really#the hashiliens are so disorganized and selfish that it's no wonder they can't fight solo and win tbh
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One of the hardest things about writing superlantern is figuring out what’s the deal with clois in this universe…they’re literally soulmates….why is clark with hal and not lois….
#ily clois <3#i’m writing this bc i’m considering giving lois mayson drake as her gf in this superlantern one shot i’m writing#as a throwaway line but still#bc like as much as I like superlantern I think I write them as one of those couples#who kinda just come out of left field. like both in-universe and meta speaking#like clois is Meant To Be ykwim.#romantic or platonic Lois is always going to be an extremely important person in Clark’s life. maybe The Most important person.#so in superlantern fics I always think abt her and her dating history with clark#and if they didn’t work out why? and if clark and hal work out why is their relationship different from clark and lois’v#oooh wait hold on I’m thinking#one of the main tensions in Clois relatiomship (at least in Lois & Clark: The New Adventures of Superman)#is that Clark is kinda flighty. it’s not his fault bc being Superman is a really time consuming job that he needs to be able to go whenever#but maybe in this universe Lois and Clark date but they realize that that issue is smth they cant get past#<- esp w Lois’ issues w her military dad putting work above her as a child#so like they can be best friends and they’re fucking great as best friends#but that can be my reason for why they both choose not to date#bc this clark doesn’t figure out how to have a more stable Superman-Clark balance and he thinks that lois deserves better#whereas with hal#hal is even MORE busy than clark always getting called off to space and shit#so i think they would both be extremely understanding whenever one of them#needs to leave#as for Lois/Mayson (do they have a ship name? this show is from the early 90s surely someone must’ve thought of one)#they’re character foils. need I say more.#ok but no fr like they’re character foils in the sense that they were written to be polar opposite love interests for Clark#Lois loves Superman and likes Clark#(in a super reductionist oversimplified manner of speaking)#(really Lois is infatuated with Superman and has a slowburn with Clark)#whereas Mayson is immediately taken with Clark but disapproves of Superman’s modus operandi#simu's two cents#lois & clark: the new adventures of superman
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SO BASICALLY,
The general concept is that Hyacinthus, the (secret) sixth prince of Laconia is sent to Olympia to help out after the catastrophic earthquake that's completely paralysed the town. He gets there, he's given his land and he finds this cool statue of his Very Handsome Man on his land and would you look at that, the Very Handsome Statue is talking to him and introduced himself as Apollo, how nice-!
In short, it's something of a domestic mystery - much like in Fields of Mistria itself, the earthquake has awakened old magic in Olympia once more due to interfering with the seals far below the earth. Hyacinthus, motivated to help Apollo get his lost memories back and for the good of the town, traverses down the mines so he can break the seals and, in the process, maybe un-statue the really hot guy that's sharing this farmland with him.
Below the cut I'll put the list of the characters I assigned to the townspeople if you're interested <33
Farmer → Hyacinthus
Sent by the Adventurer’s Guild to help repair Olympia. Is the only one that can hear the voice of the Radiant from the statue on his farm. Sixth prince of Laconia, still in contact with his family, wanted to help his people after the disaster.
Caldarus → Apollo
A God of old Olympia, used to be widely worshipped but is now sealed away deep under the earth. Has lost most of his memories along with much of his power but has recently reawakened due to a disaster which disrupted his seals. Can only communicate to Hyacinthus through the statue on his farm.
Balor → Hermes
A prolific merchant who excels at delivering quality goods in unorthodox places. Took a special interest in Olympia after the disaster and remained the town’s sole contact to the outside world in the wake of their bridge collapsing. Always smiling and extremely mysterious - he has suspiciously low prices despite the danger of his work.
Nora → Demeter
Head of Olympia’s Chamber of Commerce and co-owner of the General Store in town. Works closely with both Hermes and Hektor to keep the town running smoothly as well as coordinate the restoration of Olympia after the disaster.
Holt → Triptolemus
Co-owner of the General Store and Demeter’s life partner. Extremely reliable but a bit lost without Demeter’s instructions, he’s extremely skilled at cultivating crops and is responsible for stocking the general store with seasonal seeds and saplings. Strictly vegetarian.
Celine → Persephone
Demeter’s daughter and an avid lover of flowers. Constantly busy with the beautification of Olympia when she’s not researching the rare and mythical flora of Olympia’s past. She handles stocking the general store with seasonal flower seeds and furniture. Is in a secret relationship with Hades, one of the merchants from out of town.
Dell → Pelops
Demeter’s ward and a greatly troubled child. Rambunctious with a very vivid imagination, he has big dreams of returning to the capital and taking his rightful place as a Duke. Due to the remote nature of Olympia, it is the perfect place for him to be hidden away from his father’s madness and, luckily, no one in Olympia takes his tales seriously. Demeter worries about him endlessly.
Eiland → Cassandra
The younger child of the Baron and Baroness of Olympia, she is greatly concerned with the history and architecture of Olympia. Extremely perceptive and always on the lookout for more hints about Olympia’s buried past. Founded the History Society so she could more effectively research her current obsession, the scattered steles of a long dead god.
Adeline → Hektor
The elder child of the Baron and Baroness of Olympia, after the disaster struck he dedicated himself to restoring Olympia at all costs. He truly believes in the people and potential of this town and though he has never been particularly superstitious, he has found himself more inclined to pray and pay attention to natural omens since starting this project. He personally dedicates himself to working alongside Hyacinthus for the sake of restoring Olympia to its former glory.
Elsie → Paris
Older relative of the Baron and a Count, he agreed to look after Hektor and Cassandra in Olympia while their parents were away. Seems to prefer Olympia’s quieter countryside but always has a story or two to tell about his exploits in the Capital. Seems especially fond of a particular man and woman he left behind in favour of coming to live with the Baron and his family.
Juniper → Penthesilea
A foreign woman who has not entirely settled into Olympia. Runs the bathhouse and gym and spends a lot of time on the Eastern Road. Is especially interested in the seals and inscriptions scattered around Olympia but staunchly refuses to join the History Society. Apparently, she is not very fond of Orpheus.
Valen → Orpheus
The extremely skilled but extremely reserved town doctor. He has a clinic in the town centre and mostly keeps to himself, though he is especially fond of flowers and trees. Doesn’t speak much and instead prefers to write his thoughts down or communicate with sign language. Wears a wedding ring but notably, lives alone.
Olric → Zephyrus
The older of the blacksmithing duo, a gentle man with a big heart. Part of the History Society and very enthusiastic about life, he was part of a skilled band of adventurers called the ‘Anemoi’ before eventually retiring and moving to Olympia. Spends a lot of his time on high hills and summits and can speak the language of flowers. Is good friends with Persephone.
March → Dionysus
The younger of the blacksmithing duo and undoubtedly the more skilled craftsman of the two, has been working extremely hard to help put the town to rights after the disaster and is a bit on edge because of it. Super welcoming and friendly but also somewhat unsettling due to his intensity, doesn’t actually care much about smithing and would much rather spend his days making wine casks and custom drinking cups.
Hemlock → Asclepius
Co-owner of the Sleeping Eclipse Inn and the town doctor before Orpheus moved in. He’s an anchor of the town and the inn is Olympia’s beating heart. Extremely well-read and a skilled luthier he helps wherever he can. Due to some difficulties with his health after the disaster, his family has been forcing him to take it easy. Cries every time he hears Orpheus sing.
Josephine → Epione
Co-owner of the Sleeping Eclipse Inn and the town veterinarian. She’s a powerful woman, the second tallest person in Olympia and very intimidating on first glance because of it. Despite this, she is extremely gentle-natured and always has a smile for those who enter her doors, works closely with Aristaeus to ensure the town’s internal supply of animal produce isn’t threatened, especially after the massive losses taken after the disaster. Was a ranger before she met Asclepius and still has her horse, Miel.
Reina → Iaso
Eldest child of Asclepius and Epione, was educated in the Capital but came home in a huff due to a major blowout with her boss at the hospital she worked at. Currently studying the healing power of food and cooking and works as the Sleeping Eclipse’s chef while she does her research. Is extremely concerned about her father’s health but refuses to let it show.
Luc → Machaon
Middle child of Asclepius and Epione, he is determined to become a surgeon and surpass his father’s legend. Very smart young lad and one of the few people in town who completely believes Pelops’ stories, he loves small animals like insects and birds and often tries to nurse any small injured creature he can find back to health. Is fascinated by Pelops’ shoulder prosthetic and hopes to one day be able to make such a difference for someone else.
Maple → Hygeia
Youngest child of Asclepius and Epione, is a twin but her sister died shortly after being born. Despite never knowing her sister, Hygeia struggles with a deep sense of loneliness and grief that has only recently started to ease with the help of the townspeople. Adores Orpheus and often spends the day shadowing him in the hopes of hearing him sing or play his lute. She is the only one Orpheus talks to about his dead wife.
Ryis → Thamyris
A carpenter who studied music in the Capital, came to Olympia shortly before the disaster at his friend’s request and was trapped after the bridge collapsed. Has a bit of a poor attitude due to once having big dreams of becoming a famous bard but is now too attached to Olympia to leave, no matter how much he grumbles about its backwater nature. Is convinced there’s something singing in the mines but is completely useless with a sword.
Landen → Hippolytus
Owner of the Red-tailed Stag House of Carpentry (or the Stag House for short) and a very good friend of Thamyris. He gave up on urban life a long time ago and is dedicated to living in oneness and harmony with nature. Strictly vegetarian and kind of a stickler for his views being respected, he’s been on edge since the disaster since there’s been a massive change in the lands of Olympia. Most of the townspeople don’t take him seriously, but Penthesilea seems to think of him as a kindred spirit. He doesn’t work on the 6th or 16th of every month.
Errol → Eros
Museum Curator, ex-adventurer and all around incredibly offputting guy, despite his open nature and pretty face, Eros seems to know everything about everything yet is unwilling to share that information with the rest of the town. His only delight seems to be the History Society and he is extremely pleased that Hyacinthus has decided to collect old artefacts and explore the mines. Apart from Cassandra, Eros is the only one that acknowledges the statue on Hyacinthus’ farm and occasionally passes by just to stare at it.
Hayden → Aristaeus
Owner of Sweetwind Farm and the only other farmer in Olympia, Aristaeus has deep roots in this town and his family has lived and farmed here for generations. Skilled with animals and is extremely handy with preserving food, pressing olives into oil and keeping bees, he has almost single-handedly kept the town fed during the worst of the shortages brought on by the disaster despite the losses to his animals. Has a deep aversion to dogs and wishing stars. Seems to know a few things about Olympia’s history that no one else does but isn’t exactly eager to talk about it.
Terithia → Medea
A beautiful woman who lives alone on the beach. Has lived a long and eventful life and refers to Olympia as her ‘jail-cell’, her ‘gilded cage’ and her ‘death-house’ based on her mood. Much like Eros, she seems to know many things but is not inclined to let anyone else know, but unlike Eros, she very openly spins exciting tales of her youth when she was a court sorceress and princess. Though she doesn’t do much magic these days, she still has the knowledge and is always willing to decode some arcane knowledge for a price.
Obviously there are a lot of liberties taken for the sake of the AU but that's the broad strokes of it. Thanks for asking about it @gotstabbedbyapen !!
#ginger rambles#greek mythology#Like I said I'm already writing for it LMFAO#I was immediately fascinated by the fact that the Saturday Merchants mention how odd the ecology and horticulture of Mistria is#It's attributed to the magic but I think it's really interesting to play around with#Hyacinthus is absolutely working hard but the daily back and forth between him and the Apollo statue is all I need in my life actually#Also the Demeter-Triptolemus-Perse family is just for me hehe#SUPER SAD I COULDN'T FIT HELENUS IN HERE#But Paris as Elsie fit WAYYY too well#Hades is Louis btw - or the tailor who was banished from the Capital/Laconia#Darcy - the travelling barista is Psyche#Merri - the furniture builder is Hephaestus and Vera the hairdresser is Aphrodite#The Dragon Priestess is Artemis#Sooo excited to post writing/talk more about it I think it's a great change of pace from my usual hyapollo writings#Apollo#hyacinthus#hyapollo#fields of mistria au
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heterogenia linguistico is so interesting...
#before i knew it i caught up X_X#being about language tho it feels like its especially important to get the translations accurate akndjccjdnd#if i could find physical copies id get them immediately esp since its like at 4 volumes still#but its also reminding me how little i remember of my linguistics degree AKAMNDNDNDNCMF#and our field methods unit....#which was super interesting but really impresses upon u the difficulty of learning (observing?) a language from the bottom up#also my socially anxious ass was not fond of the idea of field research erhsbscbd#which i understood to be necessary in pursuing a masters? so i didnt want to LOL#im looking at it now and that may not be true.... or it depends on the actual degree#in any case anything linguistics related will involve talking to people lmao so even tho based on my knowledge#it would make sense to pursue further linguistics...... i dont think i would actually be good at it career wise in any form#ok hang on ive just taken a look at an applied linguistics degree. there IS a capstone project#which would involve field work but maybe not to the extent i was imagining#in any case im not actually confident i remember enough from my undergrad 😭😭😭😭😭#holy shit i finished it like. 6 years ago......
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It makes me upset to see people calling AI stupid or just straight up saying "fuck AI" (even though it's in an art context) because it's like... I know and understand that the hate is directed at how it's being used currently and that people maybe just don't care like I do about this but it's upsetting because that's WORK. Not in a monetary sense at all but what everyone knows as AI didn't just sprout from the ground one day, it's decades of dedication and learning and development and collaboration to make a tool with the intention of making life better regardless of any one individual's intentions and it just makes me sad that there's so much panic around it, both from the whole "being replaced" thing that comes from waaay way back and also the very real concerns regarding generative AI. Like I can't just go up to someone and say "hey, isn't this cool?!" and expect them to understand I'm talking about AI as a tool and a product of passion and collaboration over time rather than a quick easy fix for when you want to see yourself as an anime character without having to learn to respect art first. I don't knowww it just makes me so so sad that something so beautiful is viewed in such a negative and strange light because the entire world refuses to slow down for a single second
#diary#it's also the fact that most people don't have any particular interest in cs#like nothing beyond ''we're in the future :o'' and it's not something you can force because that's how you get people being adverse#to anything ever#I feel like anything to do with technology is so sensationalized that people see it as ''something difficult'' and leave it at that#it has a lot to do with math in particular being regarded as a Superior show of intelligence even today and it has always been#sooo incredibly fucked up to me.#cause the amount of people at school that would treat me like an alien just cause I liked math / anything puzzle-y is INSANE#for example I have no fucking clue how most things work. like in general. so I really admire people who are good or invested in those thing#but I hate to think that any field or development is comparable to Magic or super estranged from myself or anything like that#because SOMEONE DID THAT. everything you know was worked for#and stopping to think about someone's work only to end up talking about it like it's magical or impossible#feels like a massive disrespect towards them. it's not impossible. someone worked hard to make it possible.#but I understand that stopping to consider these things is not something everyone can afford to do or even want to do#I'm a very slow person in general to the point I want to spend as long as possible looking at every part of anything I find interesting#but I just can't do that because there's other things I need to do. and it's the same for everyone else#tldr WHY ARE WE GOING SO FUCKING FAST !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#sorry about my ramble. you are my mutual and you love me <- indoctrination btw
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no but I truly think the reason vettonso works so well is bc both seb and nando are fandom bicycles... they've both fucked everyone else but they'll always come back to eachother afterwards etc etc
LITERALLY SOOOOO TRUE GRACE!!!! EXACTLY!!!
Like before getting into f1 rpf, I was never really a multishipper, but with Seb and Fernando particularly, I just want to see them with literally everyone 😭 And it's just interesting because as you said they're fandom bicycles, you could make literally either of them the focal point of a shipping chart and it would work out better than the typical circle imo
"They've both fucked everyone else but they'll always come back to eachother" exactly this 🥺🥺 I guess my vettonso narrative is they've spent so long dancing around each other, being in the same circles, but never really connecting with each other, but then realize the one for them has been the one who's always been there, in the background, if that makes sense? Realizing the one for you has been there the entire time, you were just too blind and bitter to realize AAAAGHHHH
#stable anchors and all that#like not really being close with the other but subconsciously appreciating the familarity and finding comfort in it#like no matter how much the grid changes i know youll always be there alongside me(NOT ANYNORE SOB SOB SOB)#but yeah i think theyre very much mirrors of each other. theres just too many similarities for me to ignore#and i think its interesting:#theyve both been in the sport long enough to watch their ship dynamics flip#i.e. Fernando's general characterization in Webbonso vs Strollonso#+ Seb's in Martian vs Sebchal#but meanwhile vettonso have just always perpetually been there and have a super long narrative#and i like it cause they always seem very equal to me compared to other ships(not that i dont absolutely love that but yeah)#theyre on very level playing field so it works out so well!!#catie.asks.
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#this is gonna sound so obnoxious but please stick with me here#it’s been interesting to see my bootstrap believing parents come to terms with the difference between my brother and I#I am so incredibly fortunate/privileged it’s kind of insane#my fiancé is an accountant with a generous family and I’m a lawyer#I think our life is like. the bare minimum of what every human should have just by virtue of being alive#we have decent housing and can afford groceries and modest vacations and have health insurance etc#my family is lower to true middle class depending on the year#and my brother is a broke single grad student in a creative field#but I’m the oldest so my parents will be like ‘well idk why his apartment is so expensive that seems like a poor choice’#and then I tell them what our rent is (and we got a deal because the previous tenants trashed the place)#and they’re like 👀👀👀 pardon#like yeah that’s the housing crisis. idk what to tell you. housing is too expensive#I can’t quite articulate the phenomenon but it’s like me being the prototype of ‘successful’#and then living a modest life fairly similar to my parents when they were my age and decidedly not lawyers is actually clicking for them#like maybe things are actually super broken. and poverty/financial stress has nothing to do with work ethic and everything to do with luck
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I know it's useful to consume perspectives that make me feel defensive and self-conscious but I wish it was easier to tell when that feeling is coming from unexplored reactionary tendencies or whatever and when it's because I have a fair criticism that I just don't know how to articulate yet.
#I have such a knee-jerk reaction to criticisms of science as a concept or an industry idk#and most scientists imo aren't super interested in talking about the role of science in colonialism or flaws in the pharma industry#but I also feel like non-scientists don't Get It enough to know where to point the blame necessarily#spent a half hour the other day typing and retyping a response to someone on askamanager before just deleting it and walking away#because they said that in an ideally structured society R&D wouldn't be too expensive#and it's just. it takes SO much work and time and money to develop one single drug#and sure some of that cost is bloat from pharma and insurance companies#and from the vendors of scientific reagents overcharging because they know they can#but some corners can't be be cut#idk I think patent law for scientific/therapeutic tools needs massive reform and some things should legally have to be open-source#but science is going to cost money. there's a crisis in academia right now because the NIH won't raise the minimum postdoc salary#and that's not good for anyone#idk scientists should learn the sociology/history of our field (beyond responsible conduct of research classes mentioning nazi experiments)#and we need to learn to talk to non-scientists without being condescending#personal
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okay so i’ve been spoiled for death note only for the fact that it apparently sucks once L dies but like. L isn’t even dead yet and it kinda is sucking already :/
#like ever since light gave up the death note and lost his memories….#it’s just. not nearly as high quality. like the detective work is super basic and surface level#and fhe mind games… straight up don’t exist anymore. there’s no more mind games#i think it’s pretty interesting and frankly quite funny how the tone of the show became a lot more lighthearted#as a sort of mirror of light’s mental state— when he had the death note his ego was so obviously overinflated#and as he was in a super dramatic edgy mindset; the story and setting (even the character design) were very dark and dramatic and edgy#but once he lost all memories and consequently all of his dramaticism#the show itself lost all of its dramaticism#and i think that’s a super interesting concept and it could be easily overlooked#however. i do think that the show is now Boring.#like come on. where are the mind games. where are the crazy out of left field hypotheses#where is all of the reverse-reverse-reverse psychology#bleh i hope this arc ends quickly bc i’m so bored
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Why I Love Hanamusa
I get this question very frequently but have never given a really in depth, definitive answer. All just kinda implied through my comics and spread out asks. So here's this I guess! Long post ahead:
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First, as a Pokémon fan in her mid 20s, I love seeing a ship where the characters are both in their mid/late 20s. Already, they’re much more relatable to me and my current experiences. Most Pokémon ships are between preteens, which can be cute but ultimately don’t interest me as much as they used to when I was a kid myself. Not enough to get super invested in and draw a lot of fanart for anyways haha.
I’ll also start by saying that canon doesn’t always influence whether or not I’ll ship something. I’m much more drawn to potential. Could the characters work together? Do their personalities work together in a nice way? I feel like this so much of fanon is anyways. Especially with queer relationships because they’re rarely depicted in the first place. A lot of the context for these ships is usually up to the fans to piece together or make up in general. And that’s the fun part to me!
Jessie and Delia have only met in the anime a handful of times. Any interaction they’ve had has either been pleasant, or just a typical Team Rocket interaction, with Delia dismissing them/not seeing them as a threat. Already a great jumping off point for me since, truly, they don’t have any actual beef or true, ill feelings towards each other. It’s not TOO out of the realm of possibility for them to potentially fall for each other. “But Jessie chased Delia’s son around trying to steal his Pokémon!” That’s where that dismissive and aloof attitude that Delia has comes into play. I’ll go more into Delia’s whole deal a bit later but I do think this aspect of her personality is a large reason why this ship can work. It’s not that she doesn’t care that Jessie has a bad past, but she can tell that, on the inside, Jessie’s a good person. And, in a scenario where Jessie is trying to become a better person, is forgiving enough to give her a shot. I feel like this is such a solid foundation for a ship. A character who has done wrong but is trying to be better and another character who is willing to help them be better. A classic dynamic!
It’s not just one-sided though; where Jessie is the only one benefitting and learning from the relationship. I believe Delia could get a lot out of being with someone like Jessie. To understand why, I think it’s important to know these characters’ respective backstories.
Jessie is an orphan/foster child who grew up in poverty. Her mother Miyamoto (from The Birth of Mewtwo) was a Team Rocket operative herself, who went on a mission to find Mew. In order to do this, she had to leave Jessie when she was just a toddler. Unfortunately, Miyamoto went MIA on her mission leaving Jessie to more or less fend for herself. Jessie went through life with zero stability, evident by her MANY different careers and constant moving around. It’s implied in the show that she went from foster home to foster home, and later in life tried being an idol, weather girl, florist, wine connoisseur, actress, most notably a nurse and finally a Team Rocket field agent. And even while in Team Rocket, she, James and Meowth were always doing odd jobs to get by. We see that Jessie used to be a sweet kid, and even adult, but the world and her circumstances repeatedly did her dirty, leading her to become the character we know today. Hot tempered, mean, selfish, etc. But despite this, her soft side does still shine through for the people and Pokémon she cares about. She is incredibly loyal.
Delia, unbeknownst to a lot of fans, also had a rough past (see Pocket Monsters: The Animation). Like Jessie, she had a lot of dreams and aspirations like wanting to be a model and even a trainer. But when she was 10, her mother didn’t let her, telling her that she had to stay home and learn to run the family restaurant (she’s an only child). Delia’s father left her and her mother to be a trainer, and never returned. When she was 18, she married Ash’s father and became pregnant shortly after. But right after Ash was born, he also set off to be a Pokémon trainer. And soon after that, her mother passed away, leaving Delia with just the restaurant and baby Ash. This gives so much context to Delia’s attitude in the show. We see that Delia is pained whenever Ash leaves on a journey, but she never shows that pain to anyone. ESPECIALLY Ash. She’s very quick to shoo him off when he shows any sign of wanting to go on another journey and even when he returns home, she acts more excited to see Pikachu than him almost every time. Without all this backstory, it’s easy to just read this as a funny gag, BUT with context, I think it really shows how quickly Delia shuts down and detaches in order to not confront her own feelings. She’s afraid of losing people and getting hurt again.
All that said, I think Jessie and Delia provide each other with EXACTLY what the other needs.
Aside from becoming rich and famous, Jessie’s biggest aspiration is to get married. In my opinion, this is more so an underlying want for love and stability. There is no one more stable in the show than Delia. Delia’s lived in Pallet her whole life, she’s worked at the same restaurant since she was young and she is always there when Ash comes back home. She has all the love, patience and stability Jessie needs and craves. While forgiving, Delia’s not stupid and can keep Jessie in check. Delia’s also just an angel, which I feel, would make Jessie want to be better. And on top of all this, on more of a surface level, Delia’s a chef and excellent cook. She shows love through cooking and Jessie, who grew up poor, regularly starving and eating snow, happily receives that love. Jessie’s able to live a happy and healthy life with someone like Delia.
Delia, as stated, is very stable. Likely pretty monotonous and solitary, especially living in such a small town like Pallet. This isn’t a bad thing but it’s a little sad when you consider that Delia also had dreams of traveling, being a model and a trainer. She had to give up so many dreams in order to fulfill her duties as a restaurant owner and mother. And even now, when Ash is off on his journey, she feels the need to always be home and be that stable pillar, leaving behind any ambitions she had, thinking it’s too late for her (she’s only 29 btw). But then along comes Jessie, dangerous, passionate, an absolute firecracker. Someone who’s whole life has been about chasing dreams and either, never giving up on them or finding a new dream to chase. Upon learning about Delia’s past aspirations, I could see Jessie pushing her towards them, letting her know that life’s too short and she has nothing to lose from trying. On top of this, Jessie’s also loyal. She, James and Meowth are depicted as doing anything for anyone who gives them food or shows them kindness. Delia does both so there’s no way Jessie would leave her. This fulfills an essential need for Delia, who is afraid of the people in her life leaving her.
There’s so much potential for mutual growth and learning between these two and I adore that. They compliment each other, they help each other and they bring out the best qualities in one another.
I’m not really sure how to end this and I could truly talk about them even more but I don’t want this to be tooooo long haha. OH I could end it with maybe the most funny aspect of this ship that I've brushed over and also what drew me to it in the first place. Jessie. As Ash’s stepmom. THE END.
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JJK Characters Realizing They Start Falling for You [Pt.1]
Yuji Itadori:
He always saw you as a bro but suddenly, your jokes and your laugh started being cute instead of the usual funny
He wants you to always see him at his best and he now starts paying double attention to everything he does in front of you
Blushes intensely and avoids direct eye contact, dying of both embarrassment and desire to stare in your eyes forever
Starts being super attentive to small things, like always making sure you are comfortable
Touched your hand “on accident” but immediately admits he kinda likes it
Smiles widely at you letting him keep your hand and brushes your knuckles with his thumb gently
Feels like the luckiest guy in the world (and texts Fushiguro about it almost immediately)
Megumi Fushiguro:
Starts missing you when you are not around
Everything seems…less annoying to him, even the stupid jokes that Yuji makes
Catches himself contemplating whether he should just hit you with a casual “hi” text (and tries to find reasoning for that)
Wants to share every movie and song with you
At one point, just starts randomly carrying your stuff, walking you home and etc
During one of such walks, asks if you might be interested in going on a date?
Smiles confidently and a bit shyly upon hearing you say yes
Gojo Satoru:
If you think he was clingy before, think again
He will just be... everywhere you go, popping out of thin air with his signature grin.
He will never admit it but he simply misses you dearly and wants to be by your side.
Also, trust issues: he is scared that once out of your field of view, he'll be... forgotten.
Saves the last sweet for you and puts his jacket on your shoulder when walking you home in the evening
Accidentally tilts his head to breathe in your scent and looks away, smiling
His whole world just concentrates in you, all of a sudden, but he doesn't mind at all
Nanami Kento:
He didn't plan any romance while working as a sorcerer but lately, he's been paying more attention to your presence. In fact, he starts looking forward to you being near him and it causes his mild annoyance.
He hates to admit the fact that you have become something much more meaningful and important than a colleague.
Starts smiling more around you and overall feels more relaxed. His small smile goes amazingly well with his sharp features.
His love language is acts of service so he starts bringing you sweets and pastry, takes some of your tasks and fills in paperwork for you.
Offers you a ride home one day and on the way, suddenly suggests to have dinner together.
"It's just a meal"
At one point during this dinner, just takes your hand and doesn't let go ever since.
Sukuna:
His jokes and wits become less cruel and more... gentle? If he knows what this word even means
He has always been in search of something his whole life, killing people and curses and gaining more and more power. With you around, he just wants peace.
Starts accidentally seeking touch with you: like touching your hand, playing with your hair, wrapping his arm around your waist.
Also, starts making these jokes that you two are together. Their amount intensifies when other men approach you.
One day, just states that you and him are spending the evening together. Doesn't tell you the details though and feels a tingle of unknown excitement.
"Of course it's a date, silly. I want you to be mine and I won't take no for answer"
#jujutsu kaisen#jjk#jjk fanfic#gojo satoru#jujutsu gojo#jjk gojo#jujutsu nanami#nanami kento#nanami headcanons#jujutsu yuji#jjk yuji#jjk megumi#megumi x reader#jujutsu kaisen megumi#sukuna#ryomen x reader#ryomen sukuna#gojo satoru x reader#gojo x reader#jjk fluff#jjk x reader#jujutsu fluff#gojo fluff#fluff headcanons
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Absolutely loving the littlest wayne au 😍😍😍😍. Your most recent post made me think. Damien is relieved that mouse doesn't decided to join the bats, but I'd love to know how the other react when mouse reject the robin title.
Keep up the great work seriously you're super talented✨️.
Thank you so much for saying that! I appreciate it!
Bruce and Damian are relieved. He's getting older, and Gotham still needs protectors right now, but the city is getting better. Slowly and steadily, he hasn't needed to patrol every single night anymore. Gothamites are learning to defend themselves. Rogues are dwindling. Not only are you not particularly needed to defend the city, Bruce wants you to enjoy your life without the burden of that responsibility weighing down your shoulders. Maybe, one day, he'll be able to retire and do the same.
Bruce was going to stop recruiting Robins after Tim, truth be told, but Damian was raised with the League of Assassins and needed a more pacifistic outlet for all that rage that blossomed under Ra's Al Ghul, so he almost had no choice but to pass the mantle down again. Your disinterest doesn't offend him, it brings him peace.
Tim, briefly, considers it a waste of potential. You have the ability to control darkness and shadows. The bats operate exclusively in the night. Are you joking? Why wouldn't you want to protect the city with that? A couple weeks later, though, he comes around when he gets home from a days-long mission and wishes he had the time to just lie in bed and decompress for the foreseeable future. He thinks about his lack of free time, and about how he's always thinking about casework, and updating his suit, and picking up his next round of antibiotics because Damian's grandfather took his fucking spleen, and realizes he really doesn't want you doing all of that. It's bad enough you're keeping the secret of your family's double lives as they run around in spandex beating up criminals. You don't need to live a complicated double life of your own, and he doesn't want you to.
Dick is confused. He loves being Nightwing! He defends the citizens of Gotham and Blüdhaven when they can't defend themselves. Saving lives gives him a great sense of fulfillment. (It's the Parentification making him think he's only lovable if he's useful, actually, but 🤫) Dick will try to convince you to give the vigilantism a shot, just in a small supporting role for a bank heist or something, but if you put your foot down and insist you aren't interested in crime fighting, he kinda becomes a fish out of water. You don't want your big bro to be your superhero mentor? You're just his baby sibling and that's it? What are you guys supposed to find in common, now? How does he remain lovable to you if you aren't partners in the field?
He'll come around, but you gotta give him some time. Having a civilian sibling is going to do him a surprising amount of good.
Jason was rooting on you not becoming a Robin. He was prepared to do anything and everything to talk you out of it, including kidnapping you and taking you to his apartment in Crime Alley if need be so your other family members can't influence your decision. He doesn't want you to collect scars like trading cards. He doesn't want you learning how to apply a field tourniquet to avoid bleeding out from a gunshot wound. He doesn't want you getting a deeper glimpse of Gotham's rotted underbelly than you absolutely have to. He doesn't want you to die saving a city that takes and takes and takes and very rarely gives back. You are worth more than what you can do for others, and he was gearing up to talk that lesson into you until he was blue in the face.
So I'd like you to picture him just sagging in his seat, thanking a god he doesn't believe in that you're already unwilling to join their seemingly neverending crusade. Then he's gonna sit back up and ask if you wanna go play video games or something.
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Incubus fyodor 1
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Dom!priest!reader x sub!incubus!fyodor
Warning: pegging, CNC, against a wall, in a church lol, also taking virginity??
Sometimes I use strap, most of the time dick or whatever. Then anyone can feel included? Idk?
This was requested by 🍮 anon, like a loooong time ago. Gonna repost it now :> (was too lazy to do so but now that you are back-)
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Fyodor was just wandering around, looking for his next victim. It was boring to keep staying at one place, he always craved something grandiose and better. One day he ended up at a church after going around town, he detested those places due to his nature. But then he saw you through the windows, a diligent priest working for god. Proud, hard working and kind. What a sight, you must have never known the pleasures of the flesh. Oh how he pitied you, guess he will just ‘enlighten’ you then~
The incubus was wandering inside the building, looking everywhere for you. Until he found you in the chancel, the sacred place. Perfect, let's see how sacred it will be after he defies god’s little helper. Protecting one’s innocence? How laughable.
Fyodor walked inside, wrapping his hands around you and holding you from behind. Hands running all over your torso, grinning in delight as he said, “come on, let's have a little fun~ I can fulfil all your fantasies...” before he could even react to it, you took hold of his hands, turning around and twisting them in the process. “aAHH-”he yelped, falling backwards and taking a few steps back, his body hitting the wall. Your hand pinning his wrists over his head, knee pressed against the wall in between his legs. He felt you apply pressure to his crotch.
The boy gritted his teeth, showing his fangs. "Are you a demon?" You asked nonchalantly, while he struggled against your strength. Fuck, why were you so strong? “Yea and? What, gonna exorcise me? Haha.” “An incubi probably, by the way you were touching me.” You came to that conclusion, not an ounce of emotion present in your voice.
Continuing on as if you didn't hear him, thinking for a second. “I suppose you wanted to feast on me?” He stared at you with a skeptical look, why did you seem so interested? Before he got the chance to ask you, you commented, “I'm sorry that you were born this way, having to rely on such sinful acts to survive.. what a pitiful being.” “What, oh no you are the pitiful thing here, I bet you don't know what pleasure is, all because of some prideful faith. Want me to teach you?” Fyodor said cheekily, grinning as he looked up at you, his knees bend slightly due to the position.
“Don't get me wrong, I don't detest your kind. God has taught us to accept anyone. In fact, i’d be willing to help you, so that you don't need to bother other innocent souls. It's the duty of a priest.” He didn't understand what you were hinting at, for him you were talking garbage. “You aren’t going to seal me or anything?” The demon was genuinely confused, you want to help him? Why? “No need to fear anything, I'm sure you have experience in this field after all.” Next thing he knew you turned him around, his back arching like a crescent moon. “What are you…” suddenly you pulled his pants down, exposing his plum butt. “Huh?! wha-" poor him, that incubus was super confused now, this can't be what he thinks it is right?
Seems like his worries came true, it was what he feared, he knew when he felt your tip press against him. “Hu-huh? Wait a second..! I-I thought you were...” “I've learned many ways to deal with succubus or incubus, don't worry I'm quite experienced too.” Then you entered him, yearning a surprised moan from the male. “Ahh..!” Fingers desperately gripping the wall, looking for anything he can clench onto, eyes looking back and trying to understand the situation. He was getting… topped? By a priest nonetheless??
Him? Up until now he has only ever been on top. What experience, this is his first! Fyodor felt another push from you, the strap slowly driving into him. “You are so tight... ah, what's your name?” “Why do you care, pull it out!” “I'm sorry, I can't do that.” “Why?!” “Because I have to subdue you first, to make you submit.” Your voice was serious as you said that, pushing more of your dick inside him. “UgHh! Slo-slow down...gentle, gentle! Ah, hu-hurts..” the boy whined now, crying softly as his dick twitched in excitement. “Oh? It is your first? Maybe you aren’t as dirty as I thought.” Still using the same emotionless voice as before, you kept unintentionally leave snarky remarks behind. All while your free hand collected the slick around his rim, covering the toy with it.
“So wet already, more than many others of your kind.” Were you mocking him? He wanted to insult you, if only the dick wasn't making his mind go blank. “Ahh...you, I won't-mhm! Fo-forgive you.” “I don't need your forgiveness, only gods.” You said, before starting to move and trust into him. Then you explained, “in order to excuse this sin I had to commit due to your existence, we will have to work hard to beg for forgiveness.” “AhHh! Ah-aHh.ah. Oh-uhh..uhm! Nghh..!” Each trust was paired with whimpers or a moan. Cute squeaking sounds escaped him, face and shoulders flushed red and figure covered in sweat now. His filthy fluids were running down those slim and shaky legs, eyes rolling into the back of his head. What was he doing, didn't he plan on fucking you at first? So how was he getting dicked down now. It was still too hard to comprehend. Yet it felt so good.. it was melting his brain, he has never felt anything this amazing before.
“Such inappropriate noises you are letting out, i guess you are enjoying yourself?” The hand which you used to collect his slick was now on his hips, holding him in place since he kept trying to wriggle his way out, trying to escape those blissful sensations. “Ah..wait..ah-Uhm! This is..no-no good..stop aHh!” He whispered, shortly after tears started rolling down his blushing face. You only picked up your pace, going faster and rutting into him roughly, sometimes you'd brush against his prostate which made him cry out even more. “Ah-aAhhH! OOHh! I'm c-close.. m’gonna cu-cum.” Fyodor breathed out, his entire being quivering in pleasure. This was heaven. Don’t get him wrong, he knew nothing of heaven but this is how he'd imagine paradise to be like. He was filled with pure ecstasy, it was damn addicting and he doesn't think he will ever get over it.
“You have to beg for forgiveness, and to excuse your pathetic self.” You whispered into his ear. Like a spell he couldn’t disobey, he immediately began pleading with.. whom? God? You? Ugh.. to think he had come this low. “AhhHhAA!! ohHh! For-forgive meHHnghh~..!!” His release came in torrents, coursing through his veins and making his legs go weak. He felt so helpless, so exposed and vulnerable with you. And it was the best feeling he has ever experienced, never in his life did he knew something like this was possible. Those noises were filled with desire and longing, loud and clear as he painted the wall white, “aAhHahhhH~!” A shudder ran down his spine, hole clenching down onto you.
The slick was all the way down to his knees now, and he was still lost in subspace. Guess the climax was pretty intense, rendering him to such a whiny mess. You weren't sure if he could understand you, but you tried it anyway. “So, may I inquire the name of you pitiful thing?” There were no answers, only breathy whines and pants. Eventually he gasped out his name meekly, mumbling, “fyo-fyodor…” After blinking a few times, you leaned down to his ear and uttered in a seductive, as well as sadistic voice. This was the first time he heard your tone change. “I'm going to keep you here, so that you wont cause troubles for others. You don’t mind being my pet fyodor, isn’t that right?” And you let go of him after finishing your sentence. Hands leaving his body. Ahh..another shiver travelled down to his core, how could he ever refuse such an enticing offer? Without your help, his legs finally betrayed his body as he crashed down onto the ground. Sitting there looking all ravaged while a sticky white puddle formed beneath him. Fyodor looked at you over his shoulder while panting heavily, tongue hanging out from his blushing face like a dumb little pet.
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Part two
#sub character#sub!character#dom reader#dom!reader#sub bsd#sub bungou stray dogs#sub fyodor#fyodor dostoyevsky x reader#fyodor bungou stray dogs#fyodor bsd#fyodor#fyodor x reader#bsd fyodor#fyodor dostoyevsky bsd#bungou stray dogs fyodor#fyodor dostoevsky#fyodor x you#fyodor smut#fyodor x y/n#fyodor dostoyevsky smut#🍮 anon#incubus fyodor
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More Than Words
2. Questions
Logan Howlett x OC!Reader
Series Summary: Having lived for over two hundred years and never having the privilege of human touch is the biggest burden imaginable... until someone comes along with the healing ability to withstand the touch of death.
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Chapter Warnings: still a lot for now but: mild language, canon typical violence, mention of murder, death, mutant experimentation, and a depressive episode briefly described. Logan is a warning, especially here
Chapter Summary: The bad dreams have ceased, but many questions lurk in their place, and the meaning behind those dreams is still one of them. In the middle of all the chaos, a few things will come to light.
Word Count: 8.4k
“Of everyone here, I didn’t expect you to be keeping a stash,” he sat down on the edge of your bed, facing your back as you were hunched over the desk, writing sloppily a few notes for tomorrow morning. “I asked Scott and Storm, they had nothin…”
You put your headset on this morning. You usually only used it to drown out everything else when you really needed to. Everyone has noticed except those who don’t know what it means. Those who do, remember the times in which you were at your lowest. Back then you were practically unable to function without the damn headphones over your ears. The last time you even remember wearing them was when you first started teaching here, all the noise and rapid energy being quieted by the music in your head.
After last night, and the confessions made to Logan, he seemed to be open to hearing more from you then… but he kept you at arm’s reach now, and you couldn’t say you didn’t understand why. He’s not just been thrust into the middle of an age-old fight between friends, but he also is struggling with his identity.
You did however learn something interesting after hearing chatter when you woke up. Logan and Scott aren't getting along. Why? Because Logan has been relentlessly flirting with Jean. You’d scoffed when you found out. Not because you don’t think Jean is worthy of such advances, but because he was basically shooting himself in the foot by even trying to take her from Scott.
Jean is a rare bird, and a special person. Charles argues the same thing about everyone who sets foot on the property, but with her, it’s especially true. She’s smarter than most people you know, having gone to a college outside of the education given by Charles and the others. She even attended school alongside you for a while, although it only took you a few semesters to realize you weren’t cut out for the medical field like she was. You have to be able to touch your patients, after all.
She had a lot to offer, and anyone could see that. Even excluding her powers, which were enough to level a city on their own. She was kind, nurturing, and very strategic. All of those things combined with the looks of a super model made her one of the most desirable people in the entire mansion, so even though you and Logan made a connection, you don’t find it hard to see why he’s taken with her.
It may bother you just a little, but you would never admit it to anyone who asked, not even Charles.
All of this is not why you put on your headset, but it could be a contributing factor.
You’ve just met Logan, or at least officially. It stands to reason that you shouldn’t have an inkling of feelings yet. You can’t imagine that would be how it goes. In any rational situation, you have to get to know him. That’s how relationships work.
You remember how it was with Charlie, how it took more than one night of talking late when everyone else was asleep. You got to know him, and got to see his kindness and compassionate heart. You’d seen who he truly was, and it warmed your heart and soul, despite not being able to touch him. You don’t know Logan yet, but you imagine he’s not as soft and kind, nor gentle or compassionate. He seems like sort of a lone wolf, and the type to push away everything except for what he’s got his eyes set on. You don’t even know if the connection you made was real, or if he was just looking for company…
He has nightmares, but you don’t know why. It’s only one relation, that’s all. Maybe he’d only asked you to stay because he was frightened of them, just like you are of yours.
You’d gone back to your room near the hours of sunrise, and fell back asleep before your alarm woke you, but you were still exhausted, and wondered if he was facing the same conundrum. It was only when you went to ask him about it that he became colder to you than the night before. He’d given a stiff answer and gone about his morning, which you were confused by, since he wasn’t a student, nor a teacher.
You passed him in the halls throughout the day, and nodded to him with a sweet smile. He doesn’t really return it, just kept walking. You think that maybe he just didn’t see you, or was on his way to do something else and couldn’t pay attention, but then at dinner he refuses to look at you, and you can’t for the life of you understand why.
You decide to block him out, to deal with the more pressing matters. The school, the mutant rebellion, and Rogue, the newest recruit.
She’s like you in a few ways, and you feel sorry for her. You hope that by passing on some stories that maybe she can find hope in her powers. They are a gift and a curse, but she holds them wonderfully well already.
You found her on the back balcony, overlooking the gardens. She’d been sitting alone for about an hour, but didn’t seem to be bothered, just enjoying the peace. You debated whether or not you should disrupt it, but the second she heard you behind her, she turned.
You had been organizing things back where they go, following the mess of mutant children to try and keep the house in good shape, and now that you’d found yourself with her, you wanted to say a few things. You peeled your headset off and sat beside her, offering a smile first. Her energy felt stiff, like she’d been unwelcome where she was.
“You settled in yet?”
She shrugged, unsure of what to say. Even in a place full of people like her, she was an outsider. “I guess I’m getting there.”
It was silent for a moment, and you sensed her energy was low and draining. She must have been sad, or angry, or even flat our forlorn about her powers and the danger they hold.
“Y’know, when I first found out about my powers, it was the worst day of my life,” you started, but quickly followed up, knowing the words were not inspiring. “They are a blessing and a curse, but for most of my life they were a curse… until the Professor found me. Now, I’ve learned to use them to help people. You can, too.”
It should have helped, but her feelings on the power she held didn’t waver, she just wanted to know what she was in for, and you knew better than anyone what she would face.
“Did you ever… hurt anyone?” she asked sincerely, turning to face you but managing the distance. Both your touches were lethal and dangerous.
“Yeah,” you sighed, looking out to the gardens and hoping that the serene ambience would keep you in a good state of mind. “Most of them were the people closest to me. Always an accident, but still a deadly one.”
“I’m sorry,” she dropped her head, unsure of herself now, too. She didn’t know how to control it, or even subdue it. It may not even be possible.
“Don’t be sorry, it was a long time ago… I’m a lot more careful now.”
“They told me how old you were, how long you’ve been around…” she trailed, looking for a good way to ask such a terrible question. “How have you lived that long without being able to touch the people you love?”
You understood why she was asking. Of course, she was concerned about her future, but also her present. She’s a runaway, who’s left her entire family because of her ability. She must be feeling the lonesomeness that all mutants inevitably face at one point in their lives.
“I don’t know,” you shrugged, trying not to become emotional. You’ve loved many people in your lifetime, many people you’ve lost early, or at the right time, but you could never go with them. You can’t seem to die, but everyone else does when you need them the most. “I think that being here is really what saved me. Not only knowing there are others like me, but knowing I can have a family who doesn’t fear me, doesn’t judge me. Even knowing all the things I’ve done.”
“You didn’t do them on purpose, did you?”
“No,” you shook your head. “But I’m still responsible for them, for the people I’ve killed.”
You’ve killed people. How many, she doesn’t know, but she feels as though you’re the only person that can understand her. That can understand being afraid of herself and what she can do to others. She knows that you’ve probably gone decades and decades just trying to learn how to be more careful, and that she’ll have to learn, too.
“You said you’d hurt people you love… what happened?”
This was a very soft spot for you. Even after a century, it was still an open wound. Something that would never fully heal, because there was no way to achieve closure over it. What’s lost is gone, and your powers were the cause.
“I was engaged once,” you dropped your gaze to your lap, looking at your hands and the way they were so well fitted with the green gloves. You practically never took them off.
“Engaged?”
“Yeah, engaged. I’d somehow managed to find the single man in the entire universe that didn’t require me to touch him to achieve his affection…” You trailed, trying not to go into detail. Searching for a small distraction, you fiddled with the hem of your sweater, pulling loose threads to ignore the sad memories. “I touched him by accident.”
“And he died?” She widened her eyes, both upset for you and becoming more afraid of herself. She doesn’t want to fall in love, not if she’s going to hurt that person eventually.
“He did,” you wiped your hand over your eyes before any tears could even fall, and then let it rest back in your lap. “But you’re not gonna make the same mistake that I did, I promise. I’ll help you.”
“You will?” Her eagerness to accept the assistance was clear. “Thank you.”
“Of course… and don’t give up hope. There could be someone out there that can withstand your powers just as they are.”
Maybe it wasn’t a good idea to offer such things to her, but it seemed like the right thing to do.
Her brow furrowed, unsure if what you were saying was true. From your earlier words, you’ve been around a long time and it’s never happened for you. “Sounds impossible.”
“It’s not impossible,” you told her, standing up from beside her on the bench. “Nothing is impossible.”
You left her on that note, and went back inside.
-
On your way up to bed, you caught Logan in the hallway. You gave a tight lipped smile on the way to your door, expecting him to be cold like he was throughout the day… but he fell into stride next to you, walking to his own door.
“You guys got anything good to drink around here?” he asked, partially as a joke, but usually never going without a drink for more than a day was catching up to him.
“This is a school, Logan,” you turned to him with a laugh and a light smile. Maybe he’d struck out with Jean and was off her coattails now.
“Well I can see that, but I figured with a limited number of adults chasing after a million kids, someone’s gotta be drinking at the end of the day,” he leaned against his door frame, and you had completely turned to face him, neglecting your door knob which you had reached for originally.
You huffed a sigh, shaking your head at him. You may or may not have a bottle of Jack hidden where no one can find it. If anyone in this hell hole had a reason to drink it was you, but you never did it in front of the kids, or nearly anyone else. You reckon Charles or Ororo would march up to you if they found out, voicing their concern.
“Stay quiet, and don’t say a word about this to anyone…” You opened the door, letting him follow you in before closing it and locking the knob. “Under the bed, back right corner.”
You allowed him to go fishing for it himself, going to your desk in the corner to make sure you were caught up on everything and prepared for tomorrow’s history quiz before you settled in for the night. He’d already been ready for bed, seemingly just roaming the halls and looking for alcohol at this late hour.
“Of everyone here, I didn’t expect you to be keeping a stash,” he sat down on the edge of your bed, facing your back as you were hunched over the desk, writing sloppily a few notes for tomorrow morning. “I asked Scott and Storm, they had nothin…”
“I surprised you, huh?” you ask, not even throwing a look over your shoulder. You may have an interest in this man, but since you started teaching here you were always efficient, and that wasn’t going to stop now.
“Yeah, a little,” he chuckled, taking swigs straight from the bottle. It had been more than half full the last time you drank from it, so there was a decent amount. “You just seem like the innocent one.”
This made you drop what you were doing and spin your chair around. “Innocent?”
He smirked at your furrowed brows, but having known of your mutation, he was willing to guess everything and even bet on it. “I believe that’s what I said.”
You tilted your head at him, the look on your face making him grin even more.
“I don’t think I like that word,” you leaned back in your seat, crossing your arms over your chest and thinking of all the reasons why. “I’ve done and seen things that would be considered unfathomable to other people.”
“I don’t mean how dangerous you are, I mean how corrupted you are,” he kept on, another swig taken from the bottle. “And I think you’re innocent.”
“I still don’t like it,” you shook your head, laughing a little and reaching for the bottle, which he was all too happy to hand over, fingers brushing your gloved hands. “I prefer inexperienced.”
“Does it matter? It means the same thing,” he argued, watching you take a nice lengthy drink of the whiskey in your hand.
“It does matter, actually,” you were all too happy to correct him. “Innocence implies that my mind is pure of corruption, but really, I’ve just never been able to do the things I’ve thought about.”
He rolled his eyes, taking back the bottle and trying to keep up with you. He pointed to your head with a swirling finger. “Yeah right, I’m sure you’re just all kinds of perverted up there.”
You just giggled and looked at him for a moment. He was funny, he was handsome, and he was clearly interested in your favorite choice of alcohol. Just more things to connect on, you supposed. Maybe feelings weren’t so far down the road, after all.
You blinked out of it when you realized you’d been looking at his bare arms for too long, the beater he wore left little to the imagination as to how fit he was, and it was a nice view to take in, but not this late, and certainly not with a bottle of Jack.
“I should be getting to bed soon, big test tomorrow…” you trailed, standing up and going to the door. It was late, no one else should be awake, but you still wanted to make sure. “You can take the whiskey for the road, if you want.”
“I’ll get you another one,” he returned, knowing that by the end of the night, the bottle was likely to be empty. He’d not had Jack Daniel’s in a while, so he was grateful for the favor.
“No need,” you shook your head as he met you in the doorway, peering down and clearly shadowing you under his tall form. You had to take a breath and smile to break the tension you felt, as it was thick and heated. “I really should stop drinking here, anyway.”
“I’m happy to pick it up in your place,” he smirked, still standing right in front of you. If anyone had stepped out of their room, they’d see how close he was looming.
“I guess I’ll see you tomorrow?” You asked hopefully, knowing full well that he could respond with an empty promise, and still be cold to you as he was today.
“Yeah, I’ll see you.”
And he left without another word.
-
You awoke in the middle of the night to chaos in the hallway. You were surprised not to be plagued with nightmares for once, but the screams of your next door neighbor didn’t exactly settle you back into your pillows. You heard footsteps outside your door, and when you sat up, Ororo opened the door without knocking, the urgency of whatever situation that had happened started to set in.
“There’s been an accident,” she looked to you with an expression of fear and shock, leaving the doorway as soon as she could see you were scrambling to your feet.
You could feel the energy, it was all over the place. Kids were scared, and so were some of the adults, Ororo being one of them. You ran into the room, avoiding the touch of everyone you passed by, and stared at the scene playing out.
“What happened?” you rushed over to where Jean and Scott were hovering over Logan, his unconscious body thrown over the bed and seemingly in a state of paralysis.
“Rogue, she touched him,” Jean was working the best she could to try and keep him from death’s door, but even with her skilled hands, she looked afraid. “He’s fading quickly, she may have drained too much of his regeneration.”
You tried to think quickly on your feet. She drained his regenerative energy, but you could restore it. The manipulation of energy was clearly something you were all too familiar with, but you were afraid if his regeneration was too low that he might die from your mutation.
If he’s already going to die, you’re going to do the only thing you know how to try and save him.
“Jean, move,” you reach for him, and she practically dives out of the way of your bare hands.
“You’ll kill him!”
“Just trust me,” you said, your hands finding his shoulders. You heard gasps behind you when your skin met his, and they all started whispering, assuming that if he wasn’t dead before, he definitely was now.
You focused your energy on him, using what was inside of you and around you to build back up what had been inside of him. His mutation, his strength and endurance, and most of all, his healing capability.
“Alice, he’s dead,” Scott nearly scolded you, shaking his head. He wasn’t fond of the man, but that didn’t mean he wished him to die… and now he had, by your hand or Rogue he wasn’t sure. “What did you do?”
You ignored him, and all the ones whispering behind you. You could feel his life force, like a branch in the air around you, reaching out just the smallest bit, but not strong enough to hold growth yet. You were slowly building it, letting it stretch out until his own body could take it from there.
When he took a sharp inhale of breath and his chest started to rise and fall again, everyone nearly fell over out of shock. No one said a word yet, because they were too stunned to speak.
Logan was still in bad condition, but you trusted that his healing could help him out from here. You pulled him onto your lap, head resting against your body as you felt for a steady pulse, and saw the color returning to his hands and arms.
“I got you,” you whispered, holding him close. This was the first person that you’d ever been able to save with your touch, as before, it killed everyone who came across it.
“Alice?” Jean called from behind your shoulder, her mouth still agape and her eyes wide. “Alice!”
You looked to her, only slightly fearful that she may tell Charles about this, and then you’ll be in for an earful. He was the hand that guided you along the terrible pathways of your life, but he was also the one who reprimanded you when need be.
“He’s alright,” you promised her, but she still didn’t come closer. Scott however, was completely baffled and had a million questions.
“How did you do that? You can’t touch anyone-”
“I can touch him,” you answered shortly, your arms still wrapped tight around his limp form. “Just him.”
Jean shook her head and snapped out of her train of thought. There was too much to be asked, but this was not the time for it. Logan still needed more treatment, despite the help you gave. You stood up to accommodate her, keeping your eyes on Logan and making sure he was still okay. You could feel his energy restacking, like building blocks in the air around you.
“Start talking,” Scott pressed, the urgent situation now overshadowed by a need for answers. Ororo joined Scott in front of you, her expression holding more than just shock at this point. She looked nearly excited, but you couldn’t say why.
“I know him,” you said, trying to start slowly, but knowing the two of them, it wouldn;t be good enough. “When Striker had us, he got Logan, too. He doesn’t remember it, but he saved my life… yours too, Scott.”
“That…” he trailed, shaking his head. He’d done the same thing that you’d done. He blocked it out of his memory. That didn’t mean that it didn’t happen. You just had a better reason to remember it. “That can’t be possible… he’s touched you before?”
“He practically dragged me out of that cell,” you told him, and he recalled the day of the mutant prison break. He remembers a man helping them, but never imagined it could have been Logan.
“How is it possible? I’ve seen you drop some of the most powerful mutants where they stand, no one survives being touched by you,” Ororo was the one to pitch in this time, her question not so much one of what, but how?
“His regenerative ability. The way Charles used to explain my powers to me, he said to think of my skin like a radioactive energy poison. When such a poison is absorbed into one’s body it can cause it to shut down. My powers work the same way, just a thousand times stronger and faster. The thing is,” you pointed behind you, where Logan was slowly gaining small bits of health. “His regen mutation never allows my energy to be absorbed… I can’t kill him.”
“Scott?” Jean called from the ground, trying and failing to lift Logan on her own. “Gonna need a little help here. I need him in the med bay.”
Scott shook off the conversation, focusing on the matter at hand.
When Jean and Scott got Logan through the crowd of kids, they all dispersed back to their rooms. The only two remaining were you and Ororo.
She stared at you for a moment, wondering if you were going to leave, but then watched as you shuffled around in Logan’s things, looking for what you leant to him. You were hoping by some miracle that there would be some left.
“Aha,” you let out, grabbing the bottle from inside the dresser drawer, unscrewing the cap and taking a swig. There wasn’t much, but there was enough to ease your mind at this late hour. “Want some?”
“You really think this is a good time to be drinking?” she scoffed, crossing her arms and watching you fall back onto the foot of his bed.
“I think it’s the perfect time to be drinking,” you held it out to her, wondering if she’d actually take it.
She tried to keep her adult habits outside of the school, but these were tumultuous times, and she supposed it wouldn’t hurt to allow it under the circumstances.
Out of the silence, she turned to you, right as you took your next slow gulp of the smooth liquor.
“So,” her pause and sigh were unneeded. You knew what she was about to be getting on about. “You can touch him…”
“Yep,” you looked at her, a thin lipped smile on your face. You really didn’t have much else to say, but she did.
“I know you never got over Charlie,” she spoke gently, not wanting to pinch a nerve, or bring up bitterness in a moment like this. The calm after the storm, no pun intended. “But maybe this is your chance…”
“A chance to what?”
“You know what I’m talking about,” she leaned into your eyeline, still careful to stray from any of your exposed skin.
“Yeah,” you muttered, “I know.” And then with the last swig in the bottle, you felt the warmth of the drink, and the tiniest bit of a buzz. “I don’t think Logan’s that kinda guy.”
“You don’t think he’d commit to a relationship?”
“I don’t think he’d commit to me,” you corrected, shrugging your shoulders. You wished you had more to drink after that revelation, but unfortunately, this empty bottle contained the only bit of alcohol on the entire property.
“He seems loyal, maybe you just need to know him better,” she encouraged, bumping her clothed shoulder with yours. Always a kind gesture, one of friendship and to show she held no fear of you like others did.
“He doesn’t even know himself,” you chuckled a little. It may have been a bit of a mean joke to make, because you can’t even imagine how hard it is for him, but still you laugh, because you know him better than he does. “I know who he was that day.”
“When he saved you?”
“Yeah, saved everyone,” you dropped your head, focusing on your hands and trying to keep your mind from falling down any bunny trails. “He was a hero. I think he still might be.”
“You should tell him that.”
“I did,” you chuckled, tossing the whiskey bottle back into the soft pillows of the bed to rid your hands of it. “He didn’t believe a word I was telling him…”
She sighed, knowing that with your stubbornness, and your fear of hurting people, you may opt to keep him at arms length, regardless of his ability to touch you. She knew about Charlie, and what you did to him. She knew you’d sworn off love since that day, over a hundred years ago… but she still had hope that this could turn into a part of your happiness.
“Don’t give up on him so fast, alright?” She asked, her eyes turning to that of a puppy dog, pulling at your heart and nearly making you comply.
“I won’t.”
-
Rogue went missing the next day, and while you’d been chomping at the bit to find her, you were unfortunately called to the office of the professor. You wondered if you were in for a stern talking to after the previous night’s events.
“Take a seat,” he began, staring out the open window at the setting sun, and the children on property who were playing in the grass before dark.
You did as you were told, not because you wanted to, but because you respected Charles enough to listen to whatever diatribe he was about to drone on.
“I’ve had quite a few people visit my office today on your account,” he turned his chair around, his face not one of disappointment like you thought it would be. He didn’t look upset at all, nor did he look like he was going to reprimand you for being careless with your abilities. “I must say, I was surprised to hear of what happened.”
“I know it was careless of me,” you defended, unknowing if it was even necessary, but wanting to cover your bases, anyways. “But I can explain.”
“There’s no need to put up an argument, my dear.”
“There’s not?”
He chuckled and shook his head, a small smile spreading over his cheeks. “Not at all. In fact, I’m actually quite happy for you.”
“Happy for me?” you asked another question, the reasoning for your visit becoming more unclear.
“I know how long you’ve suffered,” he sighed, his tone returning to something more serious. “I have felt your anger and bitterness towards your abilities. I’ve sensed your hatred of them for years.”
“That was before,” you tried to interject, to tell him how thankful you were for his training. “But you taught me they were not just a curse, but also a blessing.”
“And do you really think I believe you when you say it? Miss Beckett, I’ve known you more than half my life… I can read your mind without entering it by now.”
You knew that if anyone could understand you it was him. You could feel other’s energy, but when he entered someone’s mind he could feel that and so much more. He could feel emotions, think that person’s thoughts, and even see what they see.
“You knew all this time, then?”
“I did,” he nodded, but didn’t stop there. “I knew that no matter what I did, it wouldn’t change your burdens.”
You ducked your head, thinking back to the times you’d lied, telling everyone that things were better. Truthfully, as a person you felt less alone, less hated and less dangerous… but you never felt loved. You couldn’t. No one could, or wanted to touch you, knowing your mutation.
“Scott told me about Logan, how you’d all met once before,” he said, turning the conversation back around to that of a better note. “When you’d repressed the memories of what Agent Striker had done, you’d forgotten him… but you didn’t forget what he did for you, and you didn’t forget a special detail.”
“He touched me,” you filled in the blank, waiting for him to continue.
“Precisely.”
“I think…” you trailed, unsure of where this chat was going to lead. If Ororo had come to him, you were sure the thoughts exchanged the night before had come up, even if it was just meant to help you. “I think he may have feelings for… someone else.”
Charles nodded, he’d not purposely looked into Logan’s mind, but when Jean was stirring restlessly in the late evening, he took a peek inside hers, seeing the struggle to combat Logan and his advances.
“I understand,” he responded, but thought it was worth mentioning what he knew. “But his advances are pointless.”
“I still don’t want to get my hopes up,” you reasoned, a good point to be made considering his behavior towards you. “I’m getting too old for shit like this, you know?”
His understanding went without saying, he remembers your past, and knows of the only person you ever truly loved. It was a story for the ages with a tragic ending that would even make the bravest of men shed a tear.
“Of course.”
You waited for him to dismiss you, and when he nodded to you in finality, you stood up from your seat.
“Stay open minded, my dear, you don’t know where your path may lead.”
You hummed in acknowledgement, giving him a smile as you left the room.
“Thank you, Charles.”
First Ororo, and now Charles. Your biggest cheerleaders since they met you… you love them both, and want to listen to them, but you are older therefore wiser, and must protect yourself from things that aren’t good for you. Everyday you grow older but your face and body stay the same. Your mentality weakens when you realize you’ve still got so much life to live, and it burdens you more when you struggle to live it alone. Having someone by your side would be the answer to your every prayer, the reason you could keep going. But you know you can’t endure another heartbreak, you won’t survive it.
-
It’s been days, nearly a week. Your mind is frazzled, and you think that maybe it’s time for a break. A quiet time to let your mind rest and restore itself.
So much has happened, and you can’t put your finger on what was the most stressful part of it all. The quickness, the escalation, the chaos… or what it almost cost you.
Erik is temporarily defeated, but you know he’ll keep at it in the future. There were several mutants in his gathering that were unapprehended after the final battle. It will make for an interesting hunt that the X-men get to pursue.
One of which you wouldn't mind letting go about her business for a while. You knew Mystique when she went by Raven.
So much has changed since then, and you've changed with the time gone by.
There's still something on your mind after everything that's happened this week, and of course that something is Logan. His past, his present, and what he wants to do with his future.
He’s an X-man now, a part of the team and a member of the mutant family… but he searches for who he is, and you can sympathize with that, especially because of what he did for you. He didn’t just do it for you, but with the state you were in, he could have passed your cell, given up on you. Instead, he practically carried you out of that prison, never knowing how lethal your touch was. He saved you and gave you the greatest gift you’d received. Hope. A fresh start. The thought that life didn’t have to be such a burden.
The kids were settled in early this evening, after the late night that was pulled the day prior, they needed to catch up on their rest… but Logan was having a hard time sleeping. You were, too.
It was about eleven when he came knocking on the door, softly so nobody else would hear him. Ororo was behind the door next over from yours, her light on beneath the slit in that door, and he mentally kicked himself for even doing this at all, so late at night.
When you cracked open your own door, peeking through to see who it was, you were surprised at the man standing in the doorway.
“Logan? What are you doing up? It’s late…”
“Yeah, I know,” he whispered, just above the level you were speaking at, voice barely audible. “I wanted to talk to you.”
You were unsure of what there was to talk about, really. It had been radio silence since the mission, and you figured he wanted some space after something like that… it wasn’t unusual for an X-man, but you didn’t know him as well, so you didn’t know what you were supposed to expect.
“Can I come in?” he asked, and it was only now that you realized you’d been frozen in your spot, a furrowed brow worn on your face.
“Yeah, sorry.”
You closed the door behind him when he passed through, going back to your bed to sit down. He followed suit, and it was nearly a reverse image of the first night he arrived.
“I wanted to thank you,” he cleared his throat, trying to sound grateful. “For saving my life. Jean told me what you did.”
You smiled a little and scoffed, shaking your head and waving him off. “Don’t thank me… I actually endangered your life.”
“I’m still here, aren’t I? Whatever you did, it saved me.”
“I had no idea that it would, it could have gone either way,” you argued, not for the sake of being right, but because you didn’t want him to think you’d done something extraordinary or heroic. You were actually being quite selfish in your actions.
“You like to argue a lot, huh?” he teased, remembering the last one on one conversation you both had. You would admit, you didn’t like being wrong. You’d gotten it in your head that after being alive for so long, you ought to know more than everyone.
“Well, I am a lawyer,” you shrugged, a slight smirk on your face. You’d never practiced in a firm, or even got a law related job, but you liked to remind people of it here and there, it was always entertaining.
“I noticed that certificate on your wall the other night, noticed em’ all, actually…” he trailed, throwing a glance over his shoulder to check and make sure they were all still there. He’d come to the conclusion that you were intelligent the first time you met, your dialect being very formal for the age he thought you were… but above that, you carried yourself in a way that spoke to being knowledgeable.
“Oh, those?” you laughed, tilting your head and making a silly face in their direction. “Those are nothing, just reminders of all the times I’ve been bored.”
“Bored? You’re kidding me,” he mused, crossing his arms and chuckling.
“Maybe I also wanted to better myself a little,” you answered truthfully, rolling your eyes after getting it out. He didn’t seem like the scholarly type. Not a bad thing by any means, but you were sure his abilities far accelerated him in other occupations before he ended up here.
“Well whatever the reason, you’ve clearly done good,” he complimented, and you were certainly not complaining. Getting compliments from your friends, from your mutant family, it uplifted you… but getting a compliment from him? It felt different, more weighted. “And whatever you did to save me, that was good too.”
“I didn’t even know it would work,” you huffed, looking down at your hands. You hadn’t touched him since he came in, and you weren’t sure if it was because you were doing so purposely, or if you just hadn’t gotten the opportunity. “I honestly thought I might kill you faster…”
“Then why would you have tried it?” He couldn’t believe you. A smart girl like you, with the power you held? It seemed out of character to make a decision like that.
“Honestly?” you raised your brows, thinking of a sentence that didn’t sound weird, or selfish. “I was scared you were gonna die before I could know you.”
He tilted his head slightly in confusion. “You want to know me?”
“I do,” you nodded with a sheepish smile. Thank God for the darkness in the room, because you’re sure your face is turning red. “I mean, it’s not everyday that I meet someone I can shake hands with, so…”
He laughed a little, reaching out playfully for a handshake. You smiled wide, taking his hand and giving it a nice firm shake. You’ve shaken hands when wearing gloves, but it’s just not the same. You’ve touched others while wearing them, too. But the skin contact you’ve always been deprived of, it’s something that sends chills down your spine, no matter how simple the gesture is. Even just a handshake.
“I’d like you to know me too, but there’s just one problem with that,” he sighs, shaking his head in a bit of something akin to sadness. “I don’t know me.”
You can’t stand to see that look on his face. His hand was still wrapped around yours, now resting on his knee and near your lap. An idea springs to your mind, and though it’s a terrible one, you think about all the good it could produce in the long run.
“What if I could help you remember?” You suggested, grabbing his attention almost immediately. “You’ve said you don’t remember anything past fifteen years ago… that’s when you saved me from Striker.”
“You think you could help me?”
“I can try, I owe it to you.” Your reasoning made him turn the idea over in his head, but he wasn’t sure of how you planned to help him, exactly. “Something must have happened that day to make you forget… we can go back to the base, look for answers, see if anything triggers your memories?”
It was a bold move, but you had to take it. No matter what happened the other night, you still owe him your life, and this could be a way to even the playing field.
“You’d take me there?” he asked sincerely, a bit surprised that you would even offer, considering what he knew of your time in that prison. You shouldn’t want to return at all, but what’s worse is you want to do it for him.
“I would… If you want me to.”
He grinned, his look of bewilderment still laced in. “I would be grateful, if you could.”
“It’s settled then.”
He nodded to you, and you both gave a glance to the door. It was time to say goodnight, though you wanted him to stay and talk till sunrise. You had so many questions, about him, about his life since Striker, and even about his abilities… but it would have to wait till another time.
He got up, and you followed, getting to the door before you heard voices outside of it.
“It’s Ororo,” you sighed, turning to him and huffing. “I don’t know who she’s talking to…”
“I better not let her see me sneaking around this late,” he said, looking back at you with a comical expression. “I have a feeling that she’ll tattle on me.”
“You’re right, she would.” You stood with your ear to the door, hearing that the other voice in the hall was Jean. They were talking about you, and you figured it was not a good time to let the Wolverine go traipsing out of your room. “You know, you don’t have to go… if you don’t want to. You could just stay here tonight.”
His smirk held a bout of confidence before he spoke, “You sure I’m not crowding your space?”
“I’ve got plenty of room,” You nodded to the queen bed you’d stood up from. In all truthfulness, it was a big bed to sleep in alone, and you’d been forced to for over a decade. “You also just happen to be the only person who wouldn’t die if I accidentally kicked you in the middle of the night.”
He laughed, nodding his head. He didn’t want to leave in the first place, he just felt like maybe he’d been imposing. Tough luck on that, because if you had your way, he’d stay longer than just the night.
“With an argument like that, how can I say no?”
“I might not sleep for a while, though… so if you wanna turn in, be my guest,” you sat back on the bed, shoving your walkman with the headphones to your side so he could settle in next to you.
“Couldn’t really sleep already, that's why I came here in the first place.” He started eyeballing the walkman, scooting in closer to where you sat, legs crossed and back against your pillows and headboard. “You got music?”
“Oh, uh… yeah, just a little mixtape I’ve been listening to.”
You’d just rewound the tape earlier, and almost put it over your ears when you found you couldn’t sleep. Maybe it would have settled the noise in your brain… but Logan seemed to do a pretty good job of that, too.
“May I?” He gently reached for the set, and your heart stuttered in beat when you saw the sweet look in his eyes.
“Yeah, of course,” You handed it over with a smile, no hesitation, even though this new mixtape was built primarily on the feelings for him you’d been fighting. “It’s mostly just girl stuff…”
He put the headphones on and started listening, and you felt a bit awkward just watching him listen to the music, unsure if he would piece anything together or not.
The first song played was Fields of Gold by Sting… just a soft ballad that made you think of what life might be like if things were different.
By the second song, you pulled the plug of the headphones, letting the music play softly through the speaker instead so you could both hear it. It felt much better when you could listen to the music yourself. Music always calmed you down, made you feel more at ease.
You helped him fast forward through some of the songs he seemed bored during, but he stopped you on a few, nodding his head and smiling as the music filled his ears.
“You like this one?” You asked, watching him start tapping his fingers to the song I Was Made For Lovin’ You by Kiss.
“This is my kinda music, right here,” he laughed, letting loose a little, breaking down his tough exterior just slightly so you could see the softness lurking behind.
The noise from outside your door had long gone, but Logan didn’t seem eager to leave whatsoever… you did after all invite him to stay.
When the song Wicked Game came on, you opted to skip it, and he grabbed the tips of your fingers to pull your hand away and ask why. The intro kept playing, the somber guitar filling the air between you.
“It’s a sad song, kinda haunting,” you explained, but the real reason you were trying to skip it was because you’d rewound this one a bit too much when thinking about him, the lyrics seeming to match up to every time you looked at him the way you were now. “It’s not as fun as the others.”
“I’ll be the judge of that,” he said, taking the walkman and holding it so that you couldn’t skip the song yet.
World was on fire, and no one could save me but you
Strange what desire will make foolish people do
You looked up at him and he seemed to really be into the music, but his brow was furrowed, like he was thinking about it in real time.
I never dreamed that I’d meet somebody like you
You had to look away from him for a moment, your face turning red and your eyes falling to your lap.
And I never dreamed that I’d lose somebody like you
No, I don’t wanna fall in love
No, I don’t wanna fall in love… with you
You took a glance back up, seeing his face and the way it seemed to turn almost upset by the lyrics. You almost thought about reaching for the walkman, but his death grip on it looked too strong to break.
“The next one is pretty good,” you smiled, trying to lighten the mood. He broke out of his trance and nodded, handing the device back to you.
The smooth and laid back energy returned to the room, and you could feel the peace of it engulfing you as you absorbed the energy from the air. It fed you, made you stronger, happier.
You couldn’t even help yourself by the time it got to the end of the playlist, the last song making you quietly sing aloud in front of someone you barely know… which was strange considering you wouldn’t even sing in front of your dearest and closest friends.
The song just did that to you… it used to remind you of a love you once lost, but because of the lyrics, you were starting to associate the beautiful melody with another face. The one looking back at you with a small lip tug of a smile.
The song in question? More Than Words by Extreme.
You didn’t look at him when you sang it, because you were already falling too hard, too fast. You needed to slow down… but just thinking about the lyrics…
More than words, is all you have to do to make it real
Touching someone for the first time is more than words can express… sitting side by side with someone without fear of hurting them means more than words could possibly say.
When the song ended you stopped the tape, setting it to rewind and putting it over on your bedside table.
“Not bad… that last one, I’ve heard it a few times somewhere else. It’s pretty good.”
“Yeah, I like it better than the others,” you said jokingly, as if he couldn’t already tell by how easily the words came out of your mouth. “Saved the best for last, right?”
“I’d say so,” he wouldn’t look anywhere else but you, and you felt so powerless under his stare. You were folding in record time, and honestly at this point, you’d count it as a miracle if you made it out of this night without ruining it all.
“You tired yet?” you asked, changing the subject and pulling back your sheets.
“I’m getting there…”
His soft and pretty hazel eyes were starting to make you wish you’d not invited him. He was making this difficult. You wanted to know him, and not just physically. There would be time for that, but you had to wait and make sure he was the one. You weren’t willing to let yourself love him to the ends of the earth if you weren’t going to be able to keep him. It would just haunt you for the rest of your long and burdened life.
“Me too, but uh… I’m gonna try and finish my book,” you smiled, reaching for the novel on your bedside table. Fahrenheit 451. “So, just turn in whenever you’re tired.”
He debated asking you about the book, but ultimately decided that he’d bothered you enough for one night. It seemed like something he might research himself, if it was something you like. You obviously have good taste in music, maybe he ought to give reading the same books as you a try.
He’d never admit it, because it wasn’t like him to do such a thing, but he liked being around you. Liked touching you. The energy you gave off was pleasant, and every time your skin connected, he absorbed a little bit of it from you. Something that would kill anyone else, he got to experience first hand.
He smiled and lied down, giving a glance over his shoulder before he settled in. Your bed was warmer than his, more comfortable, too. “G’night, Alice.”
Your grin compared to his was like a young schoolgirl, completely and utterly lovestruck for the boy you met last week.
“Night, Logan.”
Tags: @ayamenimthiriel @levislegislation @reidsworld @melsunshine @clairealeehelsing
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