#it’s so bonkers how in love they are I’m SICK

[starpunchsteria]

I’m straight up an m/f fujoshi for Gildent like there is something wrong with me

[absolutebl]

This Week in BL - Some Surprises

Organized, in each category, with ones I'm enjoying most at the top.

NOV 2024 Week 1

Ongoing Series - Thai

Fourever You (Thai Thurs YT) ep 5 of 16 - I love this show, but I absolutely hate the main couple's communication style. Or complete lack of communication style. I really hope the other couples are not gonna be this bad and it’s just because this one is leaning into the worst of BL archetypes. But I’m not confident. Poor Ter dating Hill put a big old target on his back. Earth being a dramatic stressed gay queen was peak comedy tho. Apparently the good kisses are only on WeTV (I am annoyed) so props to the giffers who keep me supplied. You're doing the BL gods work.

I suddenly realized, after the bullying sequence, that one of the reasons I’m liking this so much is it reminds me of early Japanese yaoi. There’s something about the dynamics of the characters and the way they're reacting to situations that’s not very Thai BL feeling. And if I think of this is more JBL, I forgive it. Or maybe that’s just why I’m liking it so much despite its flaws? Difficult to understand my own feels about this show.

Jack & Joker (Thai Mon IQIYI) ep 8 of 12 - I don’t like this new evil-bonkers rich kid character and whatever is going on with Jack and Rose and that whole story. It’s boring. And then my brain short circuited. No further thoughts... just War in a wife beater. 

Love Sick 2024 (Thai Sun iQIYI) ep 7 of 15 - Phun's bitch face really is epically wonderful. I kinda enjoy everybody ribbing the two of them because they have no idea what’s actually going on. I'm chronicling my experience with 2024 as compared to 2014 here.

Kidnap (Fri YT) ep 9 of 12 - Omg cutest boyfriends EVER. I don’t even mind how cheesy their bf era is. Does this lull jive with the rest of the story? Nope. But ya know that’s GMMTV’s thing these days, flailing during the final act.

Perfect 10 Liners (Thai Sun YouTube?) ep 1 of 24 - Pretty standard Thai BL university fair. I am hoping it’s better than ForceBook’s previous offering. Yet another sniff test. Is this the trope of the year? Meanwhile, they also deployed the crash into me trope in episode one. Who do they think they are? Taiwan?

New is directing this uni BL with a massive cast + massive run time. It's an endurance test ya'll - we will be watching this until APRIL of 2025! Su su na.

Every You Every Me (Thai Mon Gaga) ep 4 of 10 - I really like that they had the bandwidth to give us a little side couple with this installment. Fun crumbs. Meanwhile, the thing with the shirt in front of the mirror was extremely sexy. This installment was very sad though. And, of course, I’m not happy about it. To top it all off, next week is musical themed, so you know I’m disgruntled about it. 

Ongoing Series - Not Thai

See Your Love (Taiwan Weds Gaga) ep 3 of 13 - Aw spoiled neglected rich boy wants to be cared for and spoiled honestly. I do love them. Also tiny idiot syndrome is spreading. 

Teenager Judge (Vietnam Sat YT) ep 6 of ? - The side couple (teacher student, hyung romance but he’s using em) interesting. Not sure how I feel about them. The subs are so bad it’s largely incomprehensible but I’m still enjoying it for no defensible reason. 

My Damn Business (Korea Sat YT) eps 5 of 7 - I love that our uke can be such a little shit. I love it when a tsundere has some serious snark and attitude to back his petulance up. Also liquid courage. At least we got to the root of the tsundere. Also neck kisses and cuddles! 

Eccentric Romance (Korea Weds Viki) eps 7-8 of 12 - Oooo, cute kiss. Drunken but adorable. I do like it when they use older Korean actors in KBL, they actually know how to kiss. Has the kiss saved this show? Possibly. I’m shallow. 

Love is Like a Poison AKA Doku Koi: Doku mo Sugireba Koi to Naru (Japan Tues Netflix?) 7 of 10 eps - Our con man is such a good little homemaker. And it’s sexy yukata time! Love this trope. 

Love in the Air: Koi no Yokan (Japan Sat Gaga) ep 1 of 10 - Same plot as the Thai original, only from Japan. Very similar so far. I hope Rei is a bit more smart and Arashi is a bit less of a sleaze. I still get too much secondhand embarrassment and my mame alert is blaring.  I'm wary.

Blue Canvas of Youthful Days (China Sun iQIYI) eps 1-2 - Triggers for child abuse, alcoholism. Two artists, one an abused rich kid and the other a tough scrappy poor kid, in the same art prep school. I of course adore the side couple of the much younger kid and the older teacher. Oh, I do like it. But it's CBL, I'm very scared as to where it might go.

Bad to Bed (Taiwan Sat YouTube) ep 1 of 10 - Influencer Wan Xiong suffers from insomnia, it’s a physical and mental battle. As he tried to find a solution, he encounters five boys along the way. I'm putting this on the list because it's airing and I just found out about it but I didn't have time to watch it yet. I hear it's v weird.

It's airing but...

The Hidden Moon (Sat WeTV) 10 eps - Supernatural romance (my ghost boyfriend trope) by Violet Rain (I Feel You Linger). A man is hired to write an article about an old mansion. He sees the ghosts of people who died at the mansion, falls in love with one of them. Was substantially recast. I loved IFYLITA except the ending so I think I'll let this one run it's course you can tell me if it's work tracking down... if they managed to land it. I have my doubts.

Bad Guy My Boss (Thai Sun Gaga) 10 eps - I DNF'd at ep 7, I couldn't make it. I am weak. Life is hard enough right now, this show is making it harder. It’s not what I want from my entertainment.

Let Free the Curse of Taekwondo (Korea Thurs Gaga) eps 4 of 8 - I put this one on pause. It's too heavy for me right now. I'll wait to know if the ending is hard fought happy (and then watch) or not (and won't finish). Sorry all, rough times this side of the screen.

Random I watched it

Vending Machine Sabi Koi AKA Can I Buy Your Love From A Vending Machine AKA Sono Koi, Jihanki de Kaemasu ka? (Japan 2023) - This show is utterly adorable, impossibly awkward, and kinda old fashioned. About a cute nerdy little office worker (he's out!) who has a big'ol crush on the tall hulking vending machine guy. They fall in love. And that’s it. And it’s charming. There’s some first name eroticism, because Japan, and there's emphasis on communication, which is so not Japan, but turns this into an organically loving and talkative relationship. There’s a bit of an age gap, and our office cutie may or may not have a muscles fetish (the hot bod not the shellfish) because (if I’ve told you once I’ve told you 1 million times) Japan always goes kinky. And you know what, I loved it. 9/10

Next Week Looks Like This:

Upcoming BLs for 2024 are listed here. This list is not kept updated, so please leave a comment if you know something new or RP with additions.

November BL:

11/4 Our Youth AKA Miseinen: Mijukuna Oretachi wa Bukiyo ni Shinkochu (Japan Mon Gaga?) 11 eps - Minase was an exemplary high school student who hates Hirukawa, head bully and top delinquent. But then Minase uncovers Hirukawa’s secret and the two get intimate.

11/15 Caged Again (Thai Fri WeTV) 10 eps - Penguin escapes zoo by turning into a human. Gets trapped again and a panther falls in love with him.

11/17 Your Sky (Thai iQIYI) 12 eps - Due to an unforeseen situation, a naive freshman and the campus’s popular senior agree to pretend to be a couple - but their fake deal begins to generate real feelings.

THIS WEEK’S BEST MOMENTS

Honor the crumbs indeed. This pair is so much crumbs it's practically dust. (Love Sick 2014)

God he is so stupidly in love.

(lask week)

The tag BLigade: @doorajar @solitaryandwandering @my-rose-tinted-glasses @babymbbatinygirl @babymbbatinygirl @isisanna-blog @mmastertheone @pickletrip @aliceisathome @urikawa-miyuki @tokillamonger @sunflower-positiiivity @rocketturtle4 @blglplus @anythinggoesintheshire @everlightly @renafire @mestizashinrin @bl-bam-beyond @small-dark-and-delicious @saezurumurmurs

Sigh, Tumblr in its infinite wisdom doesn't like too many at-ings.

[mrssabinecallas]

just a pinch.. |H.C|

Pairing: Miguel O’hara / f!ADHD!reader

in which the fearless leader of the spider society has a soft spot for his right hand (wo)man and her silly little habits :,) <3

CW! lowercase intended, headcanon formatting, fluffy fluffy fluff, very VERY broken spanglish (i don’t speak spanish as good as i used to so some phrases will be from google translate </3), some swearing, ADHD reader

NOT PROOFREAD >:D CHAOS

credit to my friend kelley for making that for me :D ^^ let’s pray she doesn’t see this and doesn’t find my tumblr account she would be ashamed of me

miguel has always been nicer to you than everyone else, he doesn’t really know why but he just gravitates towards your energy

your bubbly personality is a very stark contrast to his brooding aura

opposites attract i guess 🤷🏼‍♀️

but when you started to just hang around in his presence more, he picked up on some of the strange things you did…

for one, you literally could not sit still

he thought about webbing you to a chair just to ease his own anxiety by the constant movement

he also noticed you can’t be comfortable in any normal position

you always have to be doing something strange

usually that entails sitting upside down in chairs or with your feet propped up on the wall

constantly fiddling or picking at something

whether it be the necklace around your neck or a loose thread on your suit, something was always being messed with

miguel found all of these.. quirks, for lack of a better word, endearing

it was strange to him

he had been in love before, but he felt he wasn’t capable of love anymore

so when he started falling for you of all people, he was in denial

he just chose to ignore it, but you were like a leach that wouldn’t leave him alone

clingy af fr

one morning he came to get you from your apartment because you weren’t answering calls on your watch

one knock, no answer

second knock, still no answer

he grew increasingly worried about you and just walked right into your quarters

the door was unlocked

*que fight or flight miggy whos prepared to tear apart the house to find you*

only to find you in your bathroom with your headphones on

BLARING music

and taking some sort of medicine

you didn’t even hear miguel come in, so imagine your horror to him just hugging you from behind

“miguel? the fuck?? you scared the shit outta me…”

“¿que estas haciendo mi amor? estaba muy preocupado por ti..” (what are you doing, my love? i was worried sick about you…)

“i’m taking my adderall?”

“what does that do??”

“my adhd meds? keep me from going bonkers,” you couldn’t help but giggle at his face

“you have adhd???” he was completely clueless

“just a pinch” lol

this explained basically all of your strange habits that he came to love

since then, he always made sure to remind you to take your adderall

he could always tell which days you forgot, you become a lot more hyperactive than usual

sorry guys i had no idea how to end this but i haven’t seen any fics with an ADHD reader so i thought i’d contribute 🫶

ADHD PEEPS REPRESENT

love you all, if you enjoyed please show some love, and STAY FUCKING HYDRATED OR ELSE

RAAHHH

[pixiemage]

"Still Stuck Seaside" - a Hermitcraft Parody of "Mr. Brightside"

Welcome to the insanity that has been my brain for the last two weeks. I didn't think I'd actually record this, but then I was encouraged by some lovely friends, so HERE! Have an absolutely bonkers song parody about Grian's Season 10 fishing addiction. You're welcome.

[Lyrics below]

GRIAN: I'm sitting down at the docks I say I’m doing just fine Gotta gotta keep going If I want it all I told ‘em all I could fish That I’d get Mending like this I just wanted to fish I just wanted to fish

They say I’m in too deep I should come up for air Am I proving a point Or too stubborn to care? I’ve been sat here for days But got nothing to show ‘Cause no matter the bait

All I’m catching is cod now Leather, string, and rods now One more try I need that book, it’s killing me I’m losing my mind

Stuck by the sea Lost in sunk cost fallacy Casting out another line Hoping I can turn the tides Guess that’s not my destiny Slowly losing sanity Reeling in another try While I’m still stuck seaside

I'm sitting down at the dock I swear I’m doing just fine Gotta gotta pretend That I’m okay at all I’m overflowing with fish How did I end up like this

GEM: He just wanted to fish ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

GRIAN: God, I’m SO sick of fish! I’ve been stuck here for days And I’m skipping on sleep While I fill up the chests With the items I keep And while Hermits like Doc Use their villager trades I'm still stuck on the docks

And I’m reeling in cod now Salmon, bowls, and rods now One more try I need that book, it's killing me! I'm losing my mind

Stuck by the sea Lost in sunk cost fallacy Casting out another line Hoping I can turn the tides But that’s not my destiny Slowly losing sanity Reeling in just one more time But I'm still stuck seaside

No mending No mending No mending! No mending!

[girlfriendsofthegalaxy]

tuesday again 10/22/2024

rare tuesdaypost with no fallow sections. i CANNOT find the exact image i am looking for (mouse-drawn person sitting on bar stool with ankles crossed and blushing with eyelashes) but i feel like i found a lot of things this week that charmed me immensely. rare many such cases of many interests intersecting.

listening

almost exactly a year ago i wrote about jolynn j chin's SHIFTED, a piano jazz piece where the time signatures change on every bar, which came with an explainer video that is, spiritually, a physics video.

she's done it again with OFF TIME and a full album of equally bonkers concepts. i have a brain that is fairly good at manipulating 2D things (yarn, fabric) into 3D things but i do Not have this kind of math brain. wild shit.

-

reading

thank you philip for overseeing the photography of this trio of DELILAH DIRK graphic novels from Tony Cliff. i saw these on the library shelf and went "holy shit i read one of these as a webcomic in high school".

very well-paced indiana jones and james bond adjacent pulp adventures, with a soupcon of steampunk conveyances for taste. delilah started life in 2007 when strong snappy female characters were far less common. this is particularly...not quite grating, but very notable in the first two books (published in 2013 and 2016 respectively). they are intended to be middle-grade (disney villain falling deaths, no tits or ass, etc), but they punch far above their intended age range. a particularly interesting reckoning with the long-suffering native guide trope. not a series overly concerned with historical accuracy, although it's certainly more grounded in real history than you might expect of a middle-grade pulp adventure graphic novel. more colonial political concerns than i remembered or expected.

the art is really killer in all three books. tony cliff really knows the effect of a good page turn spread.

he also has a very charming way of illustrating continuing action across a huge panel. all four shots are from The Pillars of Hercules (2018) bc it happened to be the last one i read and the one with by far the most ambitious art.

-

watching

tubi has acquired the streaming rights to most of the batman animated movies. i keep getting served ads on instagram for an upcoming animated film about batman and the yakuza, where the premise is that a portal from real-life japan has opened up over gotham and the yakuza are pouring through like a demonic horde. this seems to be a sequel to batman ninja (2018, dir. Junpei Mizusaki)

Batman, along with his allies and adversaries, finds himself transported from modern Gotham City to feudal Japan.

batman ninja includes the lines:

I’m going to rule this country and turn it into a kingdom of monkeys and rewrite the history of the world!

and

What am I going to do with you, Batman? You’ve destroyed a perfectly good giant robot castle!

i would describe this as more of a feature-length animation showcase than anything else. the haters on letterboxed didn't even give it an average of 3 but that's bc they hate fun. this is some real weeb shit. this is not a grimdark or particularly thoughful batman entry. this is an entry to clap your hands in glee at the giant gundam vs monkey army fight. they have once again done my favorite comics boy jason todd dirty but what the fuck else is new.

so much fun even on just the like tree field guide level of identifying the six or seven animation styles. plus everyone's feudal japan looks are sick as shit.

was it Good? no. was i delighted at nearly every moment? fuck yeah.

-

playing

EXCEPTIONALLY charming embroidery-based game jam game, Cross Stitched by Panzerr here for free on itch.io. made in godot. god bless.

(image from the developer) you've got your little baba yaga house gundam in the center constantly firing projectiles, and you have to keep these fucking birds back. you can WASD around the edges of the tapestry, and your health is in the top (i really love how it gets "ruined" dark chunks taken out of it as you lose health, like a piece of embroidery decaying) and the bottom black bar of motifs fills up as you make progress towards adding another level and another piece to your powerup level tapestry.

(following images from me) you do have to think about your placement and plan it out a bit, and you can't embroider over something you've already stitched. would not recommend surrounding your initial base damage motif with other motifs bc then you've sort of fucked yourself over. a really simple concept (a good bite size for a game jam) elevated by a very fun visual style and great music. really delighted me! i am so jaded by my time in the video game marketing mines that i forgot they can be fun actually!

-

making

unphotographable: too many bugs in my house! tried to replace the weatherstripping on my front door and discovering that both the front door and the storm door were installed incorrectly and should probably be replaced.

in better news, the newest pathetic little waif in the office bathroom has been freshly neutered and will be going to a nice cushy indoor home next week-ish. whenever he is fully recovered. the most polite cat i have ever had in this carrier: did not piss, shit, or throw up.

KO'd by six cc's of various goops. poor man.

[lipglossanon]

Hey You, Would You Help Me To Carry The Stone?

꧁ ஜீ✿•.¸¸.•*`*•.•꧁꧂•.•*`*•.¸¸.•✿ஜீ ꧂

Corrupt Cop!Leon S. Kennedy x fem!reader

This is part ii for Mr. Sinister ☽☪︎⋆ Remix

Warnings: 18+ so minors DNI, dark!leon, yandere!leon, threats of bodily harm, vomiting, obsessive!leon, stalker!leon, just Leon being absolutely bonkers insane 👌

Kinda looked over but not really proofread 😅

Title from Hey You by Pink Floyd (really fits Leon in this part)

꧁ ஜீ✿•.¸¸.•*`*•.•꧁꧂•.•*`*•.¸¸.•✿ஜீ ꧂

It feels like you’re swimming in molasses; your consciousness is fighting to the surface in fits and starts. The first thing you notice is a slight ringing in your ears followed by the realization that you passed out. You open your eyes and squint at the low light saturating the room.

Trying to move your body leads to nowhere. You’re sitting in a chair with your legs tied together at the ankles and thighs; you can feel the constriction of rope wrapped around your middle, pinning your upper arms in place. You look down at your wrists and see them tied together in front of you with what looks like cloth, almost like a handkerchief.

“Oh good! You’re awake.”

Your attention snaps to the cheery voice on the other side of the room; you didn’t see the door before when looking around, but to be fair you’re still slowly coming to grips with where you are and what has happened to you.

The officer walks into the room until his boots are inches away from your own flats. Crouching down to be at a more even level with you, his lips tick up into that charming grin that tricked you in the first place.

“Sweetheart, don’t look so down. You don’t know how lucky you are,” he chastises, nudging your chin up with the knuckles on his thumb and forefinger.

“If you hadn’t have run, why we wouldn’t be here right now,” his full mouth turns down with faux sympathy, “such a shame you got caught so easily though.”

“Please let me go. I won’t tell anyone—“

He laughs, “I know you’re not. And I’m not letting you go just yet. Want to make sure we’re clear about some things first.”

You bite the inside of your cheek in an effort to stave off the tears threatening to spill.

“Please, officer. I just want to go home.”

“Aww,” he coos, running a thumb underneath your eye to catch what tears fall. He sucks the thumb into his mouth and hums at the salty taste, eyes hungry and dark.

“Don’t cry, baby. I’m not gonna hurt you,” he leans forward and nuzzles your cheek before giving it a soft kiss. “Gonna take care of my sweet girl, give her all the love she deserves.”

At that admission more tears fall from your eyes. You can feel a panic attack hovering, ready to sweep over your senses. Your fingers feel numb and your chest’s tight.

“Baby,” his voice low and soothing, “I promise I won’t hurt you.”

“I just want to go home,” you tiredly whisper, voice clogged with tears.

“For now you are home,” he kisses your cheek again, tongue darting out to lick the tears dripping from your eyes.

Your vision goes woozy, bile rising in your throat so fast it makes your nose run. 

“‘m gonna be sick,” you swallow the saliva pooling in your mouth, “really, I-I’m—“

You gag and thankfully Leon pulls away from you with soft words of sympathy. He pulls a knife from the holster on his side and quickly slices through the rope binding your chest and arms then the one circling your thighs. 

“I’m going to pick you up and bring you to the toilet,” he slips the knife back to his side, and eases you from the chair. 

He picks you up bridal style and carries you out of the room; stepping into a short hallway, he takes you into the door directly across from you. 

He eases you down onto the floor next to the toilet, ankles and wrists still tied limiting your movement. Quickly, you flip the toilet lid up and retch into the bowl. 

“There, there,” he rubs your back, making you flinch and gag harder, “you’ll feel better once it’s all out.”

Tears splash into the dirty water, snot running freely down your face as you retch again, stomach acid coating the back of your throat leaving a sour and bitter tang on your tongue. 

He continues touching you, petting your hair or rubbing your back while you puke up what little dinner is in your stomach. After you dry heave a few times, your body slumps back in exhaustion. 

“I hate that my pretty girl isn’t feeling good,” he sighs into your hair, pressing a kiss on your head. 

You’re so wrung out that you can only feel despair at the situation, no tears left to shed. Leon leans past you to flush the contents down the toilet. 

“C’mon, let’s get you cleaned up,” he stands then bends down to scoop you up in his arms bridal style again. 

He takes a few steps to set you down on the sink countertop. You watch in numb dissonance as he wets a cloth under the tap. 

“Close your eyes for me, sweet girl,” his lips curl up in a facsimile of warmth.

Not really having a choice, your eyes shut bathing your thoughts in darkness. You feel as Leon gently wipes your eyelids with the warm damp cloth. He diligently cleans up your face, making sure to clean off any traces of snot and vomit. 

You keep your eyes closed, not wanting to see his crazed eyes anymore.. not wanting to deal with the reality of this situation. A few small tears drip from your closed eyelids making Leon tsk at you. 

“Look at me,” he murmurs, his low voice humming in your ears. 

Eyelashes fluttering open, you watch as that crooked smile slides over his face. 

“There she is,” he coos, “just one last thing, okay?”

You flinch at the sound of plastic cracking open and look down at his hands. He pulls out a new toothbrush from its package. Reaching around you, he runs it under the hot tap again. He pulls it back and after squeezing toothpaste across the damp bristles does he offer it to you. 

You stare at it, mind blissfully empty for a moment before Leon’s sigh jerks your attention back up to him. 

“Well I guess it would be awkward for you,” he pushes closer, titling your head up and holding your jaw, “open up for me, sweetheart.”

Keeping your mouth shut, you press your lips together more firmly. His eyes narrow down at you, a mean pinched expression coming into his face. 

“Don’t be a brat,” his thumb presses on the pressure point in your jaw making you open your mouth to stop the pain.

He slips the toothbrush past your parted lips, “See? Behave for me and everything will be just fine.”

As the minty flavor hits your tongue, humiliation bubbles up in your chest paired with white hot indignation; in this moment, you hate Leon with every atom of your body. You’ve never felt like this about anything or anyone, but you hope you convey how you feel with your eyes as you watch Leon focus on brushing your teeth. 

He lets go of your jaw to grab your chin and open your mouth wider. 

“Gotta make sure we don’t miss any spots. Don’t want my pretty girl getting cavities now, do we?” 

Before you can even think about it, you’re spitting in Leon’s face. You watch with slow dawning horror as toothpaste and spittle slide down the straight line of his nose. His pouty mouth thins, eyes darkening instantly. 

He sets the toothbrush on the counter and takes the cloth from earlier to quickly wipe down his face. 

“That wasn’t very nice,” his deep baritone makes you draw in on yourself, “apologize. Now.”

“S-s-sorry,” you finally stumble out, lips clumsy, “I-I’m sorry, please don’t hurt me.”

His demeanor softens, but his face stays unreadable, “If you keep up the attitude, I’ll be forced to fix it. Do you understand?”

Fear seizes you by the throat so you nod jerkily, tears pricking at your waterline again. 

“Good girl,” he pets your hair back, “I’m going to finish what I started, but if you act up again I’ll backhand that pretty mouth, okay?”

Hands shaking in your lap, you wilt under his intense gaze, “I understand,” whisper sounding loud in the small bathroom. 

“Good,” he picks up the toothbrush and rinses it off before reapplying toothpaste. 

He holds it in front of your lips and you open your mouth without any prompting. 

His lips tick up into a mean smile, “Good girl.”

You stare at the wall just past his shoulder and let him brush your teeth. He tilts your jaw as needed, the silence so loud you can hear your heartbeat pulsing in your ears. 

You start when you feel cool plastic touch your bottom lip. Your eyes jump to his face, his own darkened gaze watching you. 

“Need you to rinse, pretty girl,” he raises an eyebrow, “not going to have any repeats, right?”

You softly shake your head no, mouth too full of foamy toothpaste to answer. He angles the cup up, water trickling slowly into your mouth. You swirl it in your mouth and angle your head to the sink and spit it out. 

“Good girl,” he praises, hand stroking your side.

You stiffen as he picks you up again, quickly carrying you back into the bedroom where you woke up. This time he sets you down gently on the bed, bypassing the chair he had you tied in earlier. He kneels in front of you, similar to earlier, and checks the bindings on your wrists and ankles. 

“Why are you doing this?” hands twisting in your lap, you bring your gaze up from them to look in his face. 

He frowns at you, “Do you really not know?”

Anxiety spiking in your chest, you frown back at him, “No, I don’t. I just want to go home. Please.”

He sighs and shakes his head, “You know I can’t do that. You really don’t know why? Or recognize me?”

That draws you up short. Your lips part to ask, but you pause, trying to think past the horror of what’s happening to you, to think back on any time you may have run into this crazed man. 

He watches the emotions flit over your face with rapt attention. 

“I-I don’t rem—“

“Sure you do,” he gently massages your calves, “there’s that one time at the grocery store.”

⋆♱✮♱⋆

Unbeknownst to you, Leon’s been stalking you around town for a long time.

His shifts at work fluctuate, but he’s always clocking out in time to tail you. This past week, in particular, you haven’t really gone out much after getting home from class. Once to the grocery store, where he discreetly followed you inside.

However, this isn’t the incident he’s referring to; the first time he ever caught a glimpse of you was after a grueling sixteen hour shift. He was burnt out. Completely dead on his feet, he’s just standing in the canned food aisle blankly staring at rows of green beans. 

Laughter snaps him out of it. It feels like his soul slams back down in his body. Blinking rapidly, he turns his attention to the end of the aisle and sees... 

You.

God, he sees you. 

You’re the most beautiful thing he’s ever seen in his life. 

You’re not really paying attention to him, on the phone with someone as you laugh and smile at whatever they say, but it’s enough.

It’s. 

Enough. 

He feels lighter than he has in months, in years. Just seeing your face soothes that horrible nothingness that has started to blanket his life. Everyday the same gray monotony. And now?

You’re beautiful and sweet.. perfect, you’re perfect.

He watches you now, as you shuffle along pulling cans off the shelf to drop in your basket. He stands in the same spot, hoping you’ll look at him, notice him. 

Please. 

He knows he looks like death warmed over; he’s been in the shit all day today, helping this backwater town tread water a little while longer. But he has hope. 

The little thing with wings. 

His breath catches in his chest when you walk past him. You glance over at him as you’re passing and smile. At him. 

You smile at him. 

You keep walking, attention going back to your phone call and he watches you the entire time until you’re out of sight, leaving the aisle to finish your own shopping. 

From there, it’s simple to memorize your tag and get your information. It’s simple to figure out your schedule and follow you home (for you own safety of course). 

It’s simple to see that you need someone to take care of you; you’re far too trusting— too nice to people who don’t deserve it. Don’t deserve to even breathe the same air as you. But Leon’s got it. He’s got you even though you don’t know it yet, but one day, you will. 

He’s saving you from those plebeians. Like that annoying library aide who didn’t get the hint you weren’t interested, who suddenly resigned and moved away; kinda odd how he favored that left side pretty severely as he avoided you on his last day. 

Or the guy at the coffee shop who slipped you his number and later found himself severely beaten by an unknown assailant; funny how the cops never found any suspects for that case. The guy stopped showing up at the coffee shop and last you heard he moved back home to be with his parents. 

This last guy who invited you out to Lovers Lane is in for a fun surprise once Leon is comfortable in leaving you here alone for a long period of time. He has lots of plans for him that he’s excited to test out. 

There’s a hungry, dark part of Leon that he doesn’t let out very often; oh it helps with his job, being around the vilest scum of the earth always brings out that nasty part of his psyche, but it helps keep the trash in check. 

It’s always boiling under the surface, lurking and waiting, but now that he’s seen you—has you— it’s like a shark scenting blood. All of his senses amplify, wanting to protect you, keep you safe from the awful reality that is the everyday in this shithole town. 

He’s prepared to do everything and anything to keep you here, to himself, and show you that only he truly knows what’s best for you. 

That stupid boy you went out with doesn’t stand a chance once Leon gets his hands on him. He touched you, had the audacity to toss you to the side— Leon pushes that from his mind before he spirals.

The chase you gave him earlier in the night ignited his blood, brought him alive like nothing has in quite some time. He felt disappointment when you were so easily caught, but you at least tried to get away, tried to fight him off; that alone sent elation and arousal buzzing through his body to the point he was afraid you would slip from his grasp in his excitement.

The fear in your eyes made his heart race, although there’s no real reason to be scared of him. Leon will never hurt you in a way that matters. Correcting your behavior isn’t hurting you, it’s only teaching you how to treat yourself better. 

Leon feels like Lady Luck is finally shining a light on his life. You’re so perfect for him. He wants to sink his teeth in your body again and again— mark you where everyone can see you’re off limits. That you belong to him. 

Your quiet voice pulls his attention back to you—back to the present. 

“I think I saw you once,” your eyes are so earnest, so lovely, “I was on the phone with my mom. I remember seeing a cop at some point while shopping.”

He smiles at you all sugar sweet, “There we go. See? You do remember me.”

“B-but I know we’ve never even talked to each other. I don’t really even know you,” tears fill your eyes, making Leon ache to take you apart with his mouth but he refrains from doing so—even though it’s so hard not to. 

“Well, now you’ll have plenty of time,” he takes your bound wrists in hand and kisses your fingertips, “you’ll get to know me and see how much you belong here.” 

His chest feels full while he watches your eyes widen, anxiousness pinching your features as you fold in on yourself. Sorrow and fear enhances your beauty to the point Leon almost feels suffocated. 

Almost. 

He smiles tenderly at you, kissing your fingertips again, “Don’t worry, sweet girl. I’m here to take care of you.”

Your shoulders hitch as you sob quietly in front of him, face turned down but he can still see those glittering trails of saline caress your cheeks. That hungry want rises in him again, but he keeps it in check. 

He ticks your chin up with his knuckles and coos at your distress. 

“So pretty,” he murmurs, indulging himself again by lapping up your tears, “my sweet, pretty girl.”

Your eyes cut to his once he pulls back and it makes his cock throb and kick in his boxers. So hateful. He can see how much you want to rip into him, how you’d love to take him apart with your bare hands. He tamps down the urge to let you go, to really see what you would do to him. 

He smiles widely, gleefully, at you, but your eyes are still smoldering with hate and anguish. 

“There she is,” he purrs, voice smoky, “the perfect girl for me.”

He drags a thumb from the apple of your cheek down to your bottom lip. He sees the instant you think about lashing out, biting his thumb, but you reel it in. 

He’s dizzy at your restraint. The utter lack of action makes him want to push you further, see how far he can go, but he also reigns it in; he wants you to be on the same page. He needs you to see things his way—the right way, the only way. He’s so hard now that it hurts. 

Leon glances at his watch and frowns in distaste. 

“I hate to cut this short, but I’ve gotta go.”

He stands to his full height making you crane your head up to keep looking at him. Looking down at you, he wants you so much he’s sick with it. 

“Won’t be gone too long, sweetheart,” he slips his hands under your arms and places you back in the chair. 

“No, no, please,” you tremble, “I’ll be good, officer. Please don’t tie me up again, please.”

He watches you, sea dark eyes roving over your lovely features. 

“Promise to behave until I get back? I won’t be gone long,” he narrows his eyes at you, “and if you try anything. Anything. It’s going to be bad for you.”

You nod your head quickly, “Promise. Thank you.”

That makes him pause. He smiles at you again, brushing wisps of your hair away from your face. 

“You’re very welcome, sweetheart. Such a good girl I have. Let’s keep it that way, hmm?”

You nod again, eyes wide in your face. 

He caresses your cheek with the palm of his hand and then steps completely away. 

“Like I said, I’ll be back soon. Don’t try anything silly while I’m gone,” he laughs, a spark of excitement warming his chest, “or do. I guess I wouldn’t mind either way.”

He gives you one last lingering look as he closes the bedroom door. He locks the door lock along with the padlock he has bolted on the outside. Always better safe than sorry he thinks. 

He listens at the door for a moment and after not hearing anything except your soft crying, he steps away. Following the short hallway that opens out into the living space, he easily makes his way to the front door. 

Leon steps outside and takes his time securing the front door with a padlock on the outside as well. This place is isolated, but he’s not wanting to take any chances. Even if you did make it out of the bedroom, all of the windows have bars on them. There is no back door and the front door is made of heavy oak so there’s no way you’re kicking it down easily. 

He’s truly only worried that if you do make your way out his little hunting shack that you’re going to be set upon by a wild animal. He’s seen things like it before; careless hunters or drunk idiots coming into the precinct spouting off about the wild coyotes they stumbled across or a lone wolf, even the occasional badger or snack attack. 

You’re much too precious for him to lose in such an awful, and preventive, way. Leon tugs on the door harshly and is satisfied to see that it doesn’t budge. He pockets his keys and turns away. He whistles a jaunty little tune to himself as he takes the barely visible trail away from the shack. 

The tree trunks eventually narrow as he leaves the small clearing surrounding the place, pushing past brush and thorn bushes. Leon grins to himself as he makes his way out to the hidden area he parked his car. He’s so excited to get back to you, but first he has to make sure you’re not missed elsewhere. After all, you’re perfectly safe and content where you’re at now, he guarantees it. 

[bronx-bomber87]

Hello amazing fandom :) I have been itching for this ep since the moment D sent me the ep description for it. I'm glad they didn't spoil much of this ep at all. I have a lot of feelings for this one so might be so mini LOL Off we go.

6x05 The Vow

Oh my lord starting out hot with a romantic dinner and a kiss. Also want to talk about they both light up when they see each other. Like they're still in that honeymoon phase somewhat. They’re both so happy to see each other I wanna die. haha Lucy of course has to question the gift. Saying gift giving is not his love language. Damn they cute. Tim saying he is trying to change things up. I’m squeeing and we’re like less than a minute in everyone.

Damnit he’s so romantic with what the gift is. It’s her radio from last week. Oh my word. Lucy is in awe of this man standing before her. Oh my goodness we get a second kiss I’m squeeing so hard. *screams into a pillow* A thank you kiss no less. Loving how he has his hand wrapped around her arm. Pulling her in close for both misses. You know I should've known this ep was going to hurt with getting two kisses within the span of 3 minutes and a cute ass moment to boot.

Like in a video game where they let you stumble upon a bunch of ammo right before a massive fight scene. You know shit is about to go down with them supplying you like that. How I felt with getting cuteness and two kisses right away. I am so excited Tamara has appeared. Wouldn’t be the return of her if she didn’t cock block them. Tim shaking his head too. Classic. Lucy telling her it’s ok. Also LOVING that they have a pre-planned date night. Be still my heart.

Tim gets his cryptic ass phone call and immediately takes off. Lucy looks crushed for a couple reasons. First that he can’t stay. She was clearly looking forward to a night with her man all day. Second the fact he's so short with her. Breaking my heart 'Just wait.' Her Tim radar is going OFFFF Lucy looks SHOOK with his hasty departure. Her heart just walked out the door and it shows.

Oh my word I knew It would be from his military past. The blind spot for the most part we have with his character. I was hoping it would be. The Tim fan girl in me is psyched af. I was thinking who is this Ray and why is Tim so spooked? Then we find out this dude killed their friends and there’s a promise.... Uhhhh the promise is to kill him? Uh Timothy, my love you are a cop….

Oh Lucy is anxious af without him. Ugh she knows something is wrong immediately. Knows this man too damn well. Side tangent about to start. I know some people complained how long it took for them to get together blah blah. BUT I wasn’t. These moments right here are exactly why.

The fact that the very second he took that call she knew deep in her gut something was wrong with him. That is not a connection you get with someone overnight. That is years worth of working together, leaning on each other, learning about one another and seeing each other through a lot of things together. That connection and instinct on someone is built over time.

The beautiful recipe they have now wasn’t ready till we got close to it in s4 and even then they still had some tweaking to do before we reached S5. That being said I love her missing him. My guess is other than 6x01 they’ve scarcely spent a night apart. Also her Tim radar is going bonkers right now. She looks so sick to her stomach when she hangs up.

Tim seeing Lucy’s call going off and not being able to answer. It's clearly killing him. We see him take a beat and a deep breath. Clearly doesn’t want to be here rather be there with her. Last thing he wanted was his date night interrupted. Also she is his ‘go to’ for pretty much everything. You know its actively tearing him up to not answer her.

Oh my he was called the 'Reaper'? Holy hell why is that so attractive? Everything with Tim usually is. But hot damn that being his nickname in the service? I am fanning myself. Idk if that's wrong but I am haha But it does give us insight to who he was in the service tbh. You don't get called 'The Reaper.' without good reason.... Why Greer thinks Tim is going soft on him.

I do love Tim reinforcing the law also very attractive oh my goodness. You tell ‘em love. I don’t love this guy guilting Tim into keeping this pact. He’s SOOOOO loyal he’s gonna keep to it. Even at his own detriment. The man shoulders SO MUCH he already doesn't need to. Ugh Tim saying they’ve built lives. Yes you have. With Lucy. The love of your life you walked away from tonight to be here right now. After this chat I knew this ep was going to hurt so good. I could feel it.

The jokes in the car are cute was hoping he’d ask Tim about Lucy. Sadly we didn't' get this. This whole situation makes me nervous af. God Tim looks extra fine in this episode street clothes on him are a wonder. A delicious one.

My god this list of crimes this guy has done sweet lord. Stole money. Called in an air strike on his own men when they came for him holy shit …Wasn't enough to bury in a shoe box.....fuck they both lied to get Ray’s wife and kid death benefits and if they bring him in it’s a problem.

Crap this is so bad Tim... Saying they’ll get fired from their current jobs and be dishonorably discharged from the service. I’m nervous…this isn’t a good situation. Also not surprised in the least he broke the rules to take care of someone. That empathy of his ran deep before it got buried by his Isabel trauma later on.

First off let me say Eric KILLED ME in this scene. I was tearing up at how tore up he is about all of this. Tim wanting to take the fall.... Damnit Timothy you have a life too. Don't fall on your sword my god imma cry. Tim’s integrity is one of his sexiest traits IMO. I too have a deep sense of integrity drives everyone I work with insane. He’s in tears saying he would arrest him. Oh my word. I'm crying again. Eric killing me softly holy hell. I'm so mad at Greer for putting that on him. I had a bad feeling about Greer the minute he guilted Tim into this side OP.

How dare you put that on my Tim. He already has so much on his soul. A chunk of it not even his fault. The man is a deeper empath than he gets credit for. He absorbs the feelings and pain of those around him and shoulders things he doesn't need to. I'm learning in therapy I do the same thing. My therapist told me one thing to be empathetic. It's another to feel responsible for other's feelings or the outcome of actions I've taken and how it affects others. I feel like Tim is the same way. He's such an empath he's taken that responsibility to the extreme and is carrying things he doesn't need to be.

I wanna hug him oh my god. His sigh when Greer left. My heart. I'm sure part of the reason he's hiding this from Lucy is the shame he feels. This man (Ray) stole half a million from the government then bombed his own people on his watch. Tim breaks the rules to make sure his widow and child are taken care of and its bites him in this ass. There is a reason he was/is so damn rigid as a cop. 'Rules matter boot.' His PTSD in a line. Anytime he has let his guard down and skirted the rules people have been injured (Mitch) or in this case killed. Ugh. My poor boy. The hitch in his breath like he couldn't breath that entire convo. I'm hurting so much for him in this episode.

Poor Lucy kept it together at work but lost it when he finally gets home. That look of hope when he walks through the door then instant anger. ‘Telling me you’re alive is not optional.’ Ugh she’s not wrong....I can only imagine what her anxiety was doing to her until he walked through that door. It's shown in her lines above. Her imagining him bleeding out somewhere.

She is not wrong it wasn't ok he didn't even tell her he was alive. I get why he didn't but he should've. Lucy straight confronting him. Asking him what the actual hell is going on with him? No one knows you better than her. You can't hide what you're going through. Tim of course wants to protect her from being fired and refuses to tell her what he's torn up about. Only alluding to it's serious enough if she knows she will be jeopardizing her standing at work.

Her saying 'Then what are you doing here?' God damn Lucy... telling it like it is. Holy hell. Poor Tim is so taken aback by her response. He breaks my heart when he says 'I came to see you.' Lucy has become his safe place. His comfort zone. So by default he came here to seek that comfort. She is home now and he came home. But she can’t comfort you when she doesn’t know what to comfort you for. This scene hurts to watch. Because he is DYING for her compassion, her warmth and just her. He is denied access because she is setting a boundary with this as she should. Tim needs to share the load with her. To tell her the truth. She is willing to risk her standing for him.

My god if she actually knew she would be kicking herself for how much he needs her right now. But she doesn't know so she sends him away. The tears in both their eyes His 'Understood'. Man is about to cry in front of her. I’m dying. Someone revive me. I’m dead and not in a good way. I’m crying. Eric and Melissa out here crushing it though. Gah Tim would rather blow them up and protect her than not ugh Timmmmmmm I get both sides of this. Tim thinks since this is pre-Lucy and could get her in trouble he needs to bear this alone. When she is begging him to let her share the load of this. Sending him away is her setting a boundary. That he needs to think not just of her but of them. To tackle things together. To stop protecting her.

They’re both hurting in this scene. But the issue at hand still is them only thinking in terms of 'Me' not us. Even though when one of them does this it’s to protect the other. That’s fine and dandy but when it come to them as a whole it’s a problem. Shit hits the fan they eject away thinking that’s the best course of action. It’s been an issue for some time this lack of communication. This is just bringing it to a head. They don’t think how can we tackle this together? They think how can I protect my person from this? Or protect their feelings by lying.

Also think that radio being in this scene was there for a reason. That radio is the representation of Lucy not telling Tim exactly how not ok she was in 6x04. She was so willing to pretend she was ok. And instead of leaning on him. Voicing that so they could tackle it together. She ran into the line of fire recklessly instead to prove herself worthy again. Almost killing herself in the process. Because she was in her head instead of communicating to Tim. These two gonna be death of me...

Wanna hug Lucy. She is desperate for any kind of help. So she reaches out to Nolan. John per usual is completely useless for her in a crisis. Man is as useful as using a fork to eat soup. These are the moments I miss Jackson for Lucy so much. He would’ve had a much better an answer. Then just ‘you're shit out of luck.’ That’s not enough damnit.

Nolan basically saying. "What are you gonna do?' with a shrug. If I could clock you John I would. I don't normally watch the preview for the next ep till I'm done assembling my thoughts. But with this one I couldn't wait. This is why Lucy goes to Angela next week about Tim instead. She needed a real grown up to help her with Tim.

We rejoin Lucy looking at her phone. Trying so damn hard not to reach out. To be the trusting girlfriend for her man. I know we're in a bad spot but Lucy calling Tim 'her man' gah yes please more of that. I am grateful for Tamara. She needs her right now since Nolan is useless af. Lucy is trying so very hard not to spiral out atm. She confronted him and it didn't go well. Lucy is feeling at a loss right now and rightfully so. I adore Tamara for making her laugh in this moment so very much.

The lesson's Tamara has learned is too damn cute. I loved it so much. Lucy needed this moment of levity and her pseudo daughter crushed it. We pan back to Tim also starting at his phone wanting to call. Ugh Tim what are you gonna do babe? You can’t kill him. Can’t turn him in. I feel sick lol Also once again amazing song to close it out. I watch the ep with my gaming headphones on. One because I love hearing Eric’s voice straight in my ears not gonna lie. Don’t judge me ha Also catch onto music more so with them on.

But back to the matter at hand…Now do I think they’re gonna break up cause he’s gonna protect her? I don’t. Their angst since they got together has always been productive. Is it gonna hurt like a son of a bitch before we get there? Yes.

My hope is this drives them to depend on one another more and not just straight protect each other at the detriment of the one they're ironically trying to protect. Better communication which has been an issue for some time. To learn to face these challenges not only head on but hand in hand while they do so. These are the types of things they need to learn before their relationship gets any more serious than it is tbh. So while this hurts like a lot it'll be good for them in the long run.

This season has EXCEEDED my expectations ten fold. If you aren't happy with this season idk what will make you happy tbh. I said the same thing about S5 as well. I cannot wait for next week. Which I am hoping is full of worried/feral Lucy and their reunion and growth from it. Phew feel free to comment any theories or thoughts on my first take thoughts I love them so. Also thank you everyone supporting these mini reviews you're amazing and makes the effort always worth it.

Side notes -non Chenford

Ok Aaron seeing his therapist at the bar excited for him I knew low key there would be something there.

Bailey and John seem so cold I know they’re on duty but even grey held his wife’s hand at the hospital…

Of course Smitty takes his break at a therapist office

Lucy’s joke about Celina omg LOL I'm impressed with such a solid joke when she was low key worried the love of her life was dying in a ditch somewhere...

Also clearly his therapist is a lying liar who lies but how can she not be? She's his therapist and WORK one at that. Be interesting to see how this unfolds.

[arpmemething2]

Batman the Animated Series sentence starters

Send one for my muse’s reaction.  Feel free to change pronouns as needed.

"All right, scum bucket, it's you, me, and thirty stories. You're gonna tell me exactly what I want to know."

"That's one way to remove a splinter."

"I have this natural immunity against poisons, toxins, the pain and suffering of others. Go figure."

"I failed you. I wish there were another way for me to say it. I cannot. I can only beg your forgiveness, and pray you hear me somehow, someplace... someplace where a warm hand waits for mine."

"Last time we met, you tried to throw me off a building."

"If you think I've been bad news before..."

"Old and infirm as you are, I'd trade a thousand of my frozen years for your worst day."

"What kind of a saboteur uses a six-thousand dollar Metronex to set a time bomb?"

"I never counted on being happy."

"A strong mind can fuel a frail body."

"I need a new car."

"There's no way you could have escaped from that explosion! How did you get out?"

"I'm gettin' too old for this."

"I suppose what they say is true: society is to blame. High society."

"Succumb to the fear!"

"Gee, it's amazing the things you find in people's glove compartments."

"Children and guns do not mix. Ever."

"I'm having a BAD DAY! I'm sick of people trying to shoot me, run me over or blow me up!"

"They're not stupid, and it's your party."

"Aren't they just the cutest family you've ever seen?"

"It's midnight darling, time to unmask."

"It's gonna be one of those nights."

"When you look too long into the abyss, the abyss looks back through you."

"If you're so smart, why aren't you rich?"

"You've got to admit there's something between us."

"There's always time to heal."

"I didn't realize you'd taken up listening to rock and roll."

"Choosing a weekend date?"

"I don't believe in fate."

"An entire city screaming in fear. I wonder if we'll be able to hear it."

"Some thought I'd gone mad. Others thought I always had been. And so they put me where they thought I belonged."

"Ask me no questions and I'll tell you no tales."

"This city would fall apart without you!"

"I love that trick but I can never make it work."

"Taking up video games, are we?"

"I hate it when he does that."

"You are strong... but not strong enough!"

"They don't make straight jackets like they used to. I should know."

"He's not samurai. He's NINJA. They're spies and assassins. Their only code is to get the job done."

"A pixel is worth a thousand words."

"I am vengeance! I am the night!!"

"And who says opera has to be boring?"

"He always knew how to make an exit."

"Hey! Do I hit your kids? Oh, actually I do..."

"Now boys, didn't your mommies teach you that's not the way to get a lady's attention?"

"Not the robot theory again."

"Freeze, maggots! You're all under arrest!"

"You said you'd never let me go home!"

"What was she before she went bonkers?"

"This used to be a beautiful street. Good people lived here once."

"'Tis better to have loved and lost, and made a small profit, than never to have loved at all!"

"Chance is everything. Whether you're born or not, whether you live or die, whether you're good or bad. It's all arbitrary."

"But you've forgotten the first rule of comedy: if you have to explain the joke... THEN IT ISN'T FUNNY!"

"I told you not to speak!"

"Coming through! Hot stuff!"

"The snow is beautiful, don't you think? Clean, uncompromising..."

"When the going gets tough, the tough go shopping."

"What a pleasant surprise. Though I should warn you - breaking and entering is against the law."

"This could cause a stampede to pork."

"You really know how to put the fun in funeral."

"You ought to put your toys away."

"Would not, could not... would not, could not... oh, could not join the dance."

"Home. I never thought that could sound so good."

"Then I'll see you in your nightmares!"

"As the Bard said, "the fault lies not in our stars, but in ourselves.""

"You know what I'd have given for a death scene like this. Too bad I won't get to read the notices."

"He's a little protective of all this. I think he likes bats better than people."

"All your power and money has bought you an empire of misery."

"Don't try this at home kids!"

"I feel ill."

"Well, that was fun! Now, who's for Chinese?"

"You're about to fall out of orbit."

"Why can't he ever stay dead?"

"They can bury me in the ground, as deep as they like. But I'll grow back. We always grow back. Don't we, baby?"

"All men have something to hide. The brighter the picture, the darker the negative."

"You thought I was just another bubble-headed blond bimbo! Well, the joke's on you, 'cause I'm not even a real blonde."

"When the wage slaves start acting like they own the place, it's time to pull the plug."

"I've been known to be foolish, but ain't nobody calls me a liar and goes to bed happy."

"Since you don't like my side-splitters, how 'bout a skull-splitter?"

"This is kidnapping, mister! Last time I checked, it was highly illegal!"

[ask-the-critters-survival-au]

So anybody feeling rather nosy today?

Well I finished Kickin’s entire diary a few weeks ago, and since Hoppy never really got the chance to read the entire thing, I thought I’d share it here!

Please note, on the following dates

November 4, 1997

March 10, 1998

September 4, 1998

Kickin does write down some s*icidal thoughts, that may be triggering to some people. I’d advise you to skip past those if they are triggering for you. I’ll mark them with bold text so you know.

Diary is under the cut! Have fun snooping!

August 26, 1995

I found this notebook by one of the kids’ beds. He didn’t use it at all so I figured it was alright to take it! Not that he is here to stop me anyways. I decided to start writing stuff in here! Just whatever I’m thinking, whenever I feel like it, I guess. Whenever I feel like it. God, that is a WEIRD sentence to say. Or write. But it’s true! It’s my life now! Whenever I feel like it! No more stupid employees here! Haha, get wrecked! Losers. Oh, Hoppy’s calling me. I’m gonna go! I’ll write in you again later! I promise! Wait, why am I promising a notebook that I’ll do something?

October 2, 1995

Okay so I kinda forgot about this thing. Oops! Anyways, I’m getting bored. The soccer ball is starting to deflate and we can’t find the pump. This SUCKS dude. Like, I get the prototype is busy doing whatever, but if he’s all powerful like he says can’t he give us some entertainment around here? Like sheesh! There’s nothing to do. I’m so bored.

October 16, 1995

I’m thinking of growing my hair out. I mean, Crafty is doing it! And it’s getting annoying constantly cutting it. It grows back really fast. Maybe I’ll go for a mullet type look! Just maybe though.

October 29, 1995

DogDay’s missing. We don’t know where he went. We tried searching for him but CatNap told us not to. It’s always what CatNap says. Stupid. I’m going to keep looking anyways. I’m gonna find him.

October 30, 1995

Never mind.

January 1, 1996

Hey, new year! It kinda sucks though. We did absolutely nothing to celebrate. Also, big problem. Bobby found out about my secret crush. Oh I hope nobody ever reads this thing. Don’t tell anybody, but I think I like-like Hoppy. She’s just so cute and pretty and funny and spunky and cool and I love it when she talks about outer space it’s so interesting!!! She’s so fast too, like crazy fast! I think she’s too fast though. She beats me at literally EVERYTHING. That’s okay though! I’m gonna keep getting better until I can win! But yeah. Bobby found out. I’m terrified for my life.

January 23 1996

So we’re starting to run out of food. Catnap said to trust in the prototype and that he’s gonna save us and stuff. I call bull. We need food, not a savior! But he said the prototype has a plan, so I guess we’ll be fine. Still though, I’m getting tired of eating moldy salami.

February 6, 1996

Crafty’s starting to lose it. She started nagging me nonstop because she keeps running out of red marker. I’m gonna avoid her from now on. Her drawings are getting weird. Really weird. Like borderline creepy stuff. She’s going bonkers man, I’m telling you.

May 16, 1996

We ran out of food. Woke up this morning to Picky scoring through the rest of our god damn supply. I swear I am going to SCREAM DUDE!! So what if she’s always hungry?! She’s not the only one who needs food to survive! Unbelievable. What the hell are we going to do now?

May 17, 1996

So that was CatNap’s back up plan. Oh my god. I don’t want to even think about what I’ve done today. I recognized him. Who I ate. He was there when I first woke up. Taking notes in the corner of the room on his clipboard. I feel sick to my stomach. How long are we going to have to do this for?

June 2, 1996

Today feels special. I don’t know why. It just does. Also I’m sorry I haven’t been writing in you as much. I’m just scared of getting caught writing in this thing. What if someone reads it? What if CatNap reads it? Will he get mad at me for what I wrote a few months ago about the prototype? Maybe I should erase it. No I can’t do that, I wrote it in marker. I’m going to keep this thing hidden inside my zipper pocket for now, until I find a better spot.

July 22, 1996

There was a freaking execution today. I’m so disturbed right now. It was one of the tiny DogDays. I’m not really sure what he did, but CatNap made us all watch as he ripped the poor guy apart. He said that’s what happens if you are a heretic. That’s what happens if you speak out even the slightest against the prototype. Bubba told me that he thought one of the other minis had tattled to CatNap about what that tiny DogDay did. That’s insane. I can’t imagine any of my friends doing that to me. Would they do that to me? No, I’m being an idiot. They’d never do that. Regardless I can’t let him find this thing. I don’t want to end up like that mini.

August 8, 1996

It’s officially been a full year since the Hour of Joy. It’s weird to think about. How many full humans have I eaten by now? Maybe eight? Ten? Twelve? Twenty? I lose count. I don’t feel anything when I eat them anymore. It’s easier to imagine them without faces. I always cut off the head so I don’t have to see it. On the bright side, we finally found the pump for the soccer ball. Hoppy and I can finally start playing again. I don’t really think either of us want to though. At least not right now.

September 12, 1996

Hoppy and I had another fight today. I’m writing in this thing because Bobby made us separate. I don’t like being mad at her. I want to apologize but I’m scared to approach her right now. I miss DogDay. I don’t write about him much but I miss him. His name is kind of forbidden to even speak nowadays. Picky thinks he abandoned us. I don’t think he did. He’d never do that. But if he did I want him to come back. Everything’s falling apart without him.

January 12, 1997

I’m sorry it’s been awhile. I don’t really know what to write about today though so I’m gonna end it off here.

February 7, 1997

Sometimes I wonder if I should name this journal something. But I’m not very creative when it comes to names. Crafty is though. She’s been really different lately though. She’s gotten really cheerful for some reason. But say the wrong thing and suddenly you’re on the ground. I’m scared of her. I don’t know what’s going on with her but if she doesn’t get that fixed soon she’s going to get herself killed. Or kill someone else. Either of the two. Maybe even both.

April 25, 1997

Nothing to write about today. I’m just not going to. I don’t feel like it. My hand hurts. I think I’m gonna go back to sleep.

June 2, 1997

It’s the weird day again. The one that feels like it should be special. I don’t know what that feeling is. I asked Bubba about it. He knows a lot, I thought he’d probably know that too. He didn’t though. He said he got that feeling too, sometimes. But neither of us knew why.

June 19, 1997

We ran out of food. I didn’t even know that was possible. There were so many humans working in this factory, how did we run out of them? The entire Playcare was in panic today. CatNap calmed us all down. He said not to worry, because the prototype always has a plan. Okay. If the prototype always has a plan, what is it? Because I’m tired of this whole stupid mess! I want to know what it is! Why can’t I know what it is? This is so dumb! The prototype is so dumb! It makes me want to tear all my feathers out!!!!

September 19, 1997

IM SO HUNGRY SO HUNGRY SO HUNGRY SO HUNGRY I DONT KNOW WHAT TO EAT THERES NOTHING I HAVENT EATEN IN SO LONG I NEED FOOD I NEED FOOD. IM HAVING THESE SCARY THOUGHTS NOW I WANT THEM GONE! I DONT WANT TO HURT ANYONE BUT I NEED TO EAT I NEED TO EAT I NEED TO

September 19, 1997

I did it. I needed to eat. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. Picky told us how to find food. There’s plenty of it in the Playhouse. Like livestock, just waiting to be slaughtered. CatNap was so mad. But we have food now. And we all know he’s been eating them too. I feel like a monster. They were like us. But Bubba told me it was necessary. We were all going to die if we didn’t. I’m still sorry though.

November 4, 1997

Bubba got gassed. Badly. I’m so worried about him. We don’t even know why, we just walked in the room and there he was, laying on the ground with scratch marks all over him. How could CatNap have done such a thing? He’s sick. Just sick. I’ve been taking care of him now. I don’t want to leave his side. I’m worried that if I leave for a moment that something will happen to him. Hoppy’s been making me stay active. Sometimes she’s the only reason I keep going on. It’d be so easy just to end it all. She’s there for me though. I love her. God, I love her. I never want anything to happen to her. But I know something’s going to happen to her. That something’s going to happen to all of us eventually. When it happens to her though, it’s gonna happen to me next. I promise it will.

November 14, 1997

I found a boombox today. It’s really cool. I’ve been playing it for Bubba recently. He’s still asleep. I hope he wakes up soon. Did I ever mention in here that I like to dance? It’s really fun. It makes me forget about everything that happened. I lose myself in the movements. I don’t really even know how I know how to dance. I never learned it as a toy. I think I’m gonna go do it now though.

December 3, 1997

THAT JERK! THAT HORRIBLE STUPID DISGUSTING DUMB JERK! I HATE HER! I HATE HER I HATE HER I HATE HER! HOW DARE SHE DO THAT TO BUBBA?? WHEN HAS HE EVER BEEN ANYTHING BUT NICE TO HER???? BUT NOOOOO, I GUESS KINDNESS MEANS NOTHING IN THE EYES OF PICKY PIGGY! ALL SHE CARES ABOUT IS HERSELF AND HER APPETITE! I WOULDVE RIPPED OFF SOOO MUCH MORE THAN HER EAR IF I COULD! BUT THEN HOPPY AND BOBBY HAD TO COME IN AND RESTRAIN ME! STUPID! STUPID STUPID STUPID! IM GOING TO KILL HER WHEN I GET THE CHANCE! AND ITS GOING TO BE SLOW AND BRUTAL AND ITS GOING TO HURT!

January 1, 1998

Yay. New year. Yippee.

March 4, 1998

Something bad happened today. I knew it would happen eventually. I think we all did. Crafty finally lost it on the wrong person. She attacked CatNap and then he ripped off her hands as punishment. I could hear every. Single. Agonizing second of her screams. I thought I was used to screaming by now. I guess I was just telling myself that. I hope she survives. That was a lot of blood.

March 6, 1998

What do I do. What do I do. What do I do. Hoppy’s leaving. She just told me she is. Hoppy, Bobby and Crafty are leaving Playcare in a week. They can’t leave. They can’t. CatNap’s going to kill them. He’s going to kill them brutally. And even if he doesn’t, who knows what’s outside of Playcare? Plenty of toys who would be willing to hurt them for food. Hoppy told me to come with them. I can’t go with them. I don’t want to die. But I don’t want them to die. They can’t leave. I don’t want them to leave. But I can’t change Hoppy’s mind. She’s leaving with or without me. How could she do that to me? Just leave me here, all alone with Picky? Bubba’s still asleep. She’s the only one I’ll have to talk to. I don’t want to talk to her. I’m scared. I need to stop them.

March 8, 1998

what have I done what have I done what have I done what have I done what have I done what have I done what have I done what have I done what have I done what have I done what have I done what have I done what have I done what have I done what have I done what have I done what have I done what have I done what have I done what have I done what have I done what have I done what have I done what have I done what have I done

March 9, 1998

I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m so so sorry. I messed up I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry please forgive me. I keep seeing her. She talks to me in my head now, telling me she won’t ever forgive me, no matter how much I grovel and beg. Sometimes I don’t even think it’s in my head. Am I going insane? You don’t deserve to stay sane. You’re right. I don’t. I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry.

March 10, 1998

The blood won’t come off. It stained my hands. Maybe I deserve that. You do deserve that. You’re right. You’re always right. I deserve it. I haven’t moved from my bed since it happened. I’m hungry but I don’t want to eat. I don’t deserve to eat. Bubba needs me though. At least if Picky tries eating him again there’s nobody to stop me from making her pay this time. I don’t know why I don’t just give up. I should. I made a promise that I would once Hoppy went. Maybe it’s Bubba. Or maybe I’m just making excuses. Maybe I’m just too scared. I’ve never felt so alone before. I deserve to feel alone.

March 24, 1998

I’ve been seeing her a lot lately in my dreams. Always the screaming and then the ear. And then she tells me it’s my fault. I know it’s my fault. But I still don’t understand. Am I selfish for not understanding? Yeah. Probably. But all I ever wanted to do was protect her. I don’t understand why this happened. I don’t understand. Picky’s been avoiding me. That’s fine. I don’t want to see her either.

April 12, 1998

You know what? No. I’m done. I don’t care if CatNap catches me going into the Playhouse. I need to see what’s inside. Maybe she’s inside, and that’s why we aren’t allowed in. I’m going to find her. I’m going to make things right with her. I refuse to believe she’s gone.

July 16, 1998

July. It’s already July. I took that long to recover? Seriously? That was three whole months. Well, I guess loosing an eye will do that to you. I’m still surprised that Picky took care of me while I was hurt. I tried to ask her why but she didn’t respond, so I guess that was that. That doesn’t matter though. He’s alive. He’s alive. DogDay’s alive! He’s been here this entire time, sitting right below our noses and we had no clue! If I can just figure out a way to get him out then he can save us all from this mess! I know he can! I just need to find a way.

July 20, 1998

Bubba woke up. He finally woke up! Oh my god, he finally woke up! It’s been how long, eight months? I’m so thankful. He’s really scared though. He must’ve been through hell. I know from experience the nightmares that stuff gives you aren’t pleasant. I can’t imagine going through that for a whole year. Poor guy.

July 21, 1998

Bubba’s been having trouble walking lately. His legs give out whenever he tries. I guess that makes sense. He hasn’t used his legs in a while. I wish I knew how to give him the proper treatment he needs. Actually, there’s an idea. I should check inside of the school. I’m sure there is something in there about comas.

July 22, 1998

OKAY SO THAT WAS A HORRIBLE IDEA. Not only did I find absolutely NOTHING, but I almost got my head bashed in with a freaking mace! That biology teacher has gone wack. Completely wack. Then again, she’s not the only one. I still hear Hoppy. She still visits me. I’ll be in the middle of something and then I’ll just see her. I think I’m starting to hallucinate. I know that’s really bad. But I enjoy seeing her. Even if all she does is cuss me out. It gives me hope. Hope that she’s not Never mind. I shouldn’t be thinking about that. Bury that nice and deep along with the other scary thoughts. She’s not dead. She’s not dead she’s not dead she’s not dead she’s not dead.

August 8, 1998

Third year anniversary. Or is it the fourth? I don’t feel like doing the math. Bubba can walk again now, but all he does is sit against a wall. It feels like my effort was wasted, if I’m honest. He doesn’t like eating. Or sleeping. He hates sleeping. I tried to give him some books to read that I stole from the councilors office, but he ignored them. Some days he refuses to sleep so badly to the point where I have to knock him out for him to get a little shut eye. I feel bad for him. He doesn’t deserve this. If I could take his place I would in a heartbeat. Maybe if it was me instead of him I wouldn’t have messed up so horribly.

September 4, 1998

It’s one of those days where the hallucinations are bad again. Sometimes I wonder if it even is a hallucination. Am I actually seeing her? She’s looking over my shoulder right now. Watching me write. She looks so real. And the stuff she says feels so real. I want her to be real. I want to hold her in my arms. She just told me if I ever try to do that she’s going to push me off the cloud I’m on. I think she knows I wouldn’t save myself.

September 18, 1998

Bubba’s been getting better. He’s started talking again. Only sometimes though. And he never says much. It’s a start though.

November 10, 1998

I think I just saw Picky chasing Hoppy away from the councilors office. I must’ve just been hallucinating again. She was carrying something though. It looked like a computer? I’ve never seen that before. Probably just another hallucination.

[rey-jake-therapist]

I’m not optimist, I’ll tell you that. I think the “he loves her and you’ll see it at the end” is Sauron just allowing Galadriel to walk away unarmed at the end of the fight. Because if the “Last Temptation” OST is anything to go by, Halbrand will appear and the fight goes on. Which is stupid, but it seems what the OST is hinting at. And nothing can top a freaking kiss. They already spoiled any emotional or romantic innuendo between Sauron and Galadriel because of ep7. And Saurondriel kiss isn’t happening, they won’t have Galadriel being kissed by two different characters in the same season. So, yeah, they gave “the kiss” and all the emotional baggage to Elrond instead of Sauron. And for nothing, really.

Alright, my inbox is at the edge of imploding. Lots of messages of Haladriels who are worried sick about what will happen in episode 8.

Guys (gender neutral), I GET IT. I totally get it. I wish I was secretly working for Amazon and had intel about episode 8 that I could share with you, to comfort you. But to paraphrase Nori, "I'm just a little fan in a grant, wide world" !

I won't tell you how you should feel. I won't tell you to calm down, to like the Elondriel kiss, or to be optimistic. Maybe because I'm probably older than most of you are and was let down by mainstream media more than once, I take things as they come now.

"We won't have a Saurondriel kiss now because of the kiss with Elrond".... Look, it was never going to happen, except in our heads. I said it several times on my blog so my stance on the matter shouldn't come up as a surprise lol And personally I never felt baited into believing that they were telling a Saurondriel romance, with dialogues and actions that said they were in love with each other. That's one of the reason why I thought the "Elrond was in fact Sauron in disguise" was bonkers in universe, but I ran with it anyway because it was very well thought and could have very well be true, if that was the story they were telling.

But when I started to receive asks of shippers hoping we were right I quickly felt very bad for giving hope, and kinda wished I had kept my thoughts for me. Speculating, analyze the episodes, share my thoughts with other fans is what I prefer in a fandom, so I didn't think it through ! And I'm sorry if even briefly, I gave you hope for something that would never happen. I really am.

All that the writers actors and showrunners baited was a "connection", a relationship that goes deep and will endure for thousands of years, leaving none of them unscarred. Galadriel and Sauron are different but not that different; they want the same thing but will never agree on the means ; they're attracted to each other like a moth to a flame and they will probably keep turning each other like crazies for a long, long time, but they're never going to find a commun ground ! That's the story TROP is trying to tell us, I think. "So near, and yet so far", that could literally be a Haladriel motto.

The problem I have now, with what they baited, is that we saw nothing of that so far. I expected to have some evidence of this "cosmic connection" that they keep telling us about during the course of season 2, but we got nothing. I guess they're keeping at all for episode 8, but I still have flashback of Reylo "they have this Force bond, they're like soulmates in the Force but they use it only to fight each other, to give objects and to die while healing the other" trauma and I have a bad feeling about this, if you get my drift... But as I said earlier, I will take whatever they give us. I grew quite used to mediocre media that doesn't have a clue of how the concepts they sell actually work in fiction, so I'm pretty much prepared to see it happen. Again.

Now, the images in the trailer don't scare me for episode 8. I admit it's a bit weird to see Sauron already in his Palpatine phase (cruel smile and scary eyes), but seeing Galadriel resist to him at the very beginning of their fight is absolutely no shocking. Of course she will do that, it was pretty much granted.

Now we can just wait and see 😎. I said my bit, now, sorry but I won't answer to any other ask of this nature. I don't intend to spend the week worrying about episode 8, or being certain that it will be bad.

Needless to say that if your first impulse reading this post is to insult me anonymously (or with your name, in case you're braver than the average), just.... don't. You'll waste your time and your energy, all for a post that will go straight into the Tumblr bin 💜

[ugh-yoongi]

inspired by your post about your husband lol, what random things do each member of bts do that make them a new level hotter to you

this is such a cute question!! well, maybe not cute depending on the response, but. u know. 🤷🏻‍♀️

seokjin — i think people are expecting me to say his brat taming thing, bc it is objectively hot, but if this is a safe space and we’re oversharing together on a stormy friday night, i think it’s kinda hotter if he… doesn’t? like, knows you’re being a brat but goes along w it and “lets” you act up. so that’s not my answer, obviously.

so, to me, it’s his perseverance. i think it’s very hot to straight up say, “hey, i’m not all that great at this, but i’m gonna do it and try my best anyway.” i am a person who gives up the second i’m not good at something right away or as soon as it gets hard, so. yeah. very attractive and hot quality.

yoongi — cop out answer, but anytime he does anything with his hands. it almost put me in the ground when he made all those cutting boards. add on him playing guitar and i was donezo. he has really nice hands and he knows he has really nice hands and it’s sick. he’s sick.

hobi — idk how to explain it but hobi emanates this absolute freak aura and it’s, like. very hot. like you can just tell he’s comfortable and confident in himself and would be down to do anything and get a lil weird with it, and that kind of energy is powerful.

namjoon — this is where parasocial relationships come in handy bc this is something i find so hot hypothetically but would make me wanna strangle him irl, but: his petty streak. my god this man is SO petty and i find it SO hot, but if it was directed at me i’d cry so bad. like, hickeygate??? closer pt. 2?? kill me.

jimin — his absolute disregard for gender roles. really fucking hot. talking abt how much toxic masculinity sucks? hot. drawing the bigender symbol on himself? hot. being described as having “gender neutral charm”? hot.

this is not me trying to assign him a label. it’s me as a person who does not necessarily feel all that connected to their gender (hard to describe what i mean by this but: i’m cis and know i’m cis but i still don’t know what being a woman means to me personally, and therefore i feel disconnected from it sometimes) seeing someone look at what society expects them to look and be like because they’re a man, and say, “yeah, nah.”

taehyung — how messy he is. another trait that might drive me bonkers irl, but from a very far distance? love it. it’s similar to what i said about jimin in the sense that, as an idol, there are expectations for him. and he just waves them away. like, there are not very many idols who are gonna go on weverse and threaten to shoot someone in the neck for violating their privacy, but taehyung will, and that’s very hot of him. those pictures from that club in paris? also very hot of him. he just sort of does what he wants and in an industry that’s so rigid and boxed-in, i can’t help but love a rebel.

jungkook — idk man. fucking everything. i had an embarrassing and public meltdown over him last year in his calvin klein era and now i can’t look him in the eye. if you put a gun to my head and made me pick one, though? it’s the way he’s got this overwhelming sort of fuckboy energy but you also know you could make him cry. we love a man with duality.

[gumnut-logic]

Five times alan discovered a secret and one time he kept one (Part Four)

Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4

This one fought me like crazy. gordon is a slippery fish and doesn't like telling.

Many thanks to @onereyofstarlight for the read through and support. You are amazing as always ::lots of hugs::.

And thank you to thunderfam who continue to feed my pen with all your wonderful support ::hugs the lot of you::

Lots of terrible two in this one. I hope you enjoy it :D

-o-o-o-

4.

“Can you turn it off?!”

Alan glared at his brother. The fish was sitting where he had parked himself for the entire trip - his lumpy feet up on the dash, guzzling his disgusting cheese and watching that stupid Buddie and Ellie show.

Gordon didn’t even bother to turn around. “Why?”

“You’ve been watching it since we left Earth and I’m sick of it! And your cheese is getting into everything! Brains will kill you when we get back and I’ll help him!”

His fish brother finally responded this time, the holoprojector flickering off. He shrugged. “Okay.”

“And clean up your mess.”

“Sure.” Gordon flicked him a WASP salute and began picking cheese out of the air.

Alan grunted and went back to his checklist. He was in command of this mission. He had the right to ask his brother to behave.

Scott was counting on him.

Okay, so he was a little nervous. This rescue was one for the record books, after all. Not many people managed to make it to Europa. You needed special permission to land there as it was restricted for scientific exploration only with no commercial leases available - unlike Jupiter’s other moons.

Europa could have life on it - or in it - depending on your perspective and to get the chance to visit it?

This left Halley’s Comet in the dust.

How Buddie and Ellie had managed to get permission was beyond Alan’s comprehension.

Or maybe he was just resenting them due to having to listen to their voices for so long.

So, so long.

“What would you like me to do next, Commander.”

Alan blinked and looked back at his brother. There was no smart-ass expression on his face, just a genuine interest directed towards the back of the cockpit where Alan floated.

“Something productive maybe?”

“Like what?”

“I don’t know. Think of something.”

“Okay.” Gordon turned back to the controls and sat staring out at the blackness of space.

Alan glared at his brother, unsure of how to respond. Gordon could be…well, Gordon…and so frustrating.

Alan swore under his breath. Gotta love him. Can’t kill him.

He worked quietly for a while, relieved and finally relaxing just a little in the silence with a calming sense of work well done.

Oh great, now he was beginning to sound like Virgil.

And yes, he knew that wasn’t a bad thing. Thank you, biggest brother for chiming in with your two cents, too.

Space bonkers, here I come.

“Allie, do you need a hand?”

Alan startled and turned to find Gordon floating just behind him.

“Couldn’t find anything to do?”

“Well, you’re the astronaut, you tell me. I’m just a lowly aquanaut on the voyage to an extraterrestrial ocean.” His brother grinned.

Alan thwacked him with his clipboard.

“Hey, that’s violence in the ranks.”

“You deserved it.”

“Hmph. Well, if you don’t want me to watch Buddy and Ellie, what do you want me to do?”

“Be quiet.”

That earned him an arched eyebrow. “Okay.” Gordon shrugged and turned towards the hatch that led to the cargo bay. “If you need me, I’ll be in Thunderbird Four.”

“Fine.”

“Fine.” Gordon shut the hatch behind him, leaving the cockpit to Alan and his checklist.

-o-o-o-

Alan ran out of checklist eventually. He sat back in his pilot’s seat and relaxed, enjoying the quiet solitude.

It was him, his rocket and all the great unknown emptiness beyond. This was the life he wanted, the life he had been aiming for the entirety of his fifteen years of existence.

This was it. The dream…

And…

…damn, it was lonely without his brother’s company.

And so quiet. So, so quiet.

How the hell could he be missing Buddy and Ellie? It was noise. Silly, ridiculous, over-hyped noise.

But it was also Gordon.

Who had done exactly as Alan had told him.

Damnit.

He lasted another whole half an hour before throwing himself out of his seat in frustration. He pushed himself out of the chair and nearly whacked himself on the bulkhead.

See? Gordon made him do stupid things.

He launched from the pilot’s seat to the back door of the cockpit, throwing it open with no consideration for the lack of gravity.

It banged and bounced back at him, catching him on his funny bone.

Grandma wasn’t here to veto his cursing.

He fumbled his way through the hatch, floating down to the cargo bay.

It was quite a sight to see Thunderbird Four where the pods usually sat. She wasn’t small and her presence loomed, both secure yet out of place.

She had been loaded with her nose pointing up towards Three’s cockpit and her undersides facing Three’s cargo doors, ready to be deployed.

Consequently, entering the bay, Alan had no trouble spotting his brother asleep in Four’s cockpit.

He sighed. Typical.

But Alan’s shoulders sagged. Now who wasn’t being fair?

He floated himself down to Four’s hatchway and wriggled himself in. It took a bit to slide into his brother’s cockpit. Despite her size being much bigger than the average pod, Four was the smallest Thunderbird and there was a vast difference between her and Three.

In any case, he managed to slip in beside his sleeping brother and surprisingly didn’t wake him up. Lack of gravity did have some uses, apparently.

He stared at Gordon. Four’s interior lighting was off and only Three’s cargo bay lamps were providing any illumination. This left his brother’s face cast in reds and greys, slack in sleep.

Three was travelling at high speed and her autopilot was very capable of taking them all the way to Europa without any attention on Alan’s part, but he preferred at least one pilot to be in her cockpit at all times, usually himself. So there was no way he felt comfortable sitting down here for any long period of time.

“Enjoying the scenery?”

Alan startled. Gordon was smirking at him, obviously not asleep.

“What the hell are you doing?”

“I was having a lovely snooze before you banged your way in here.”

Alan glared at him. “I was just checking on you.”

“Sure you were.”

“Why do you have to be such an ass?”

Gordon stretched, interlocking his fingers behind his head. “It’s the reputation, gotta keep it maintained.”

“Gordon…”

His brother reached over and soft punched Alan in the arm. “No worries, bro. I’ve got your back.”

Maybe he was just making things hard to give Alan command experience. He stared at his brother. “Why are you down here?”

Gordon rolled his eyes. “So I’m not bugging you with Buddy and Ellie, derr.”

“You were sleeping.”

“So?” Brown eyes cast red by the lighting were peering at him. “Not much else to do, is there?”

“So this is what you do at the bottom of the ocean?”

“No. There is always something to do down there.”

“Like what?”

His brother sat up in his seat. “Life for one thing. Can’t say you’ll find a squid or deep sea fish out the window right now.”

“Hey! We’re at the cutting edge of science here. I’m streaming data back to Five that at least three different universities asked for. Do you know how many people would love this opportunity?”

Gordon shrugged. “Same for my girl.” He patted his seat eyeing the inside of his cockpit. “I have friends who would kill to play with her.” He turned back to Alan. “Space is your thing, Al. And Johnny’s. I’m just a fish out of water up here.”

“You don’t like space?” Alan stared at his brother. “But it’s so cool!”

Another shrug. “Whatever floats your boat, baby bro.”

“But you’re a qualified astronaut.”

“Of course I am. We all are. Dad made sure of it.”

And in Alan’s case, Scott and John. “You didn’t want to be?”

Eyes, almost a deep red, looked up at him. “I wanted to join International Rescue, it is part of the deal. Same for you. Can you say you enjoy the ocean?”

“It’s okay.” He had to say it, for exactly the same reason. Alan was not a fish of any kind. He could do what was necessary, but water was definitely not his favourite medium.

The soft smile on Gordon’s face was understanding itself.

Hmph.

“So what don’t you like about space?”

Another full body stretch and Gordon looked away. “The nothing. There is so much nothing with no life.”

“Yet. Who knows what we will discover. You do realise that we are going to be one of very few people who have landed on Europa? Do you realise that almost all of it is unexplored? Almost everything we will be seeing hasn’t been seen close up by a single human being!” It was so incredible, Alan found it hard to believe that Gordon and he were flying out there to do so many firsts. They would end up in the record books. In history itself!

“Except for Buddy and Ellie.”

Alan rolled his eyes. He was so sick of hearing about Buddy and Ellie.

But then if they hadn’t had their accident then Three wouldn’t be needed and Alan wouldn’t have this chance.

Gordon poked him with a finger. “If we find life, it will be in that ocean under all that ice. Not in space.”

“But you need to space to get there.”

“That’s the boring bit.”

“Aargh, you are so annoying.”

“Just polishing the reputation.” His brother grinned.

“How will that reputation stand up if I just happen to mention to Scotty that you squawked when I engaged the ion engines?”

Those deep red eyes widened. “You wouldn’t dare!”

“Oh, really?” Ahhh, blackmail material bullseye.

“Alan…” Gordon was frowning at him. “Don’t.”

Alan grinned. “Oh, I think it is a juicy bit of information that Scotty will definitely enjoy.” He pushed off the bulkhead and slid back out of the cockpit, aiming for the exit.

“Alan! Don’t you dare!”

And the chase was on. Alan was definitely the more experienced in space as he bounced himself expertly out of the cargo bay, leaving his brother tumbling behind him.

Gordon called his name several times, but Alan made it back to his cockpit way ahead of him. He was poking at the transmitter controls as Gordon finally caught up, pinwheeling through the hatch.

“Thunderbird Three to Tracy Island.”

“Alan, no, please don’t.” A hand landed on Alan’s shoulder.

Alan frowned up at his fish brother.

“Tracy Island to Thunderbird Three, how are the two of you doing?” Scott’s hologram hovered above the dash and a wave of reassurance washed over Alan.

Scott was safety. Even several million kilometres away.

The hand on Alan’s shoulder gripped tighter.

“Just checking in. Three is cruising. Ion engines working like a dream.” He looked up at Gordon and frowned. There was so much pleading in his brother’s eyes, Alan’s throat knotted up for a moment. What the hell? “Uh, is Virg back from Venezuela yet?”

“No.” Scott’s posture shifted. “He’s had to take the long way round. There are now three cyclones across the Pacific.”

“Three? Is he okay?”

“He’s fine. A little grumpy perhaps. Tell Gordon he forgot to restock Two’s coffee supplies.”

“Oh, crap.”

“I heard that, Fish. You’re lucky you’re on the other side of the solar system.”

“Tell him I’ll buy him extra when I get back.”

“You can buy me some of that apple pie from Darcy’s. I’m the one who has to face him.”

“Ugh, sorry.”

“Apple pie, Fish. Lots of it. With fresh cream.”

Alan was grinning.

“Fine. FAB. Can do. Thunderbird Three out.” He reached over and killed the connection.

“You’re toast, Fishboy.”

“Shut up.” He pushed off, heading towards his co-pilot chair.

“So what’s with the big secret?”

Gordon didn’t look at him. “What secret?”

“You were terrified I was going to tell on you.”

His brother didn’t answer as he slid into his seat.

“Gordon, what’s wrong.”

He sighed and looked away a moment. “You can’t tell Scott. You can’t tell anyone.”

“Tell them what? That you squawked?”

“I’m serious, Alan.” His brother turned to face him, eyes earnest and determined.

What the hell?

“Okay.” A blink. “Why not?”

“You promise?”

Alan stared at Gordon…and held up a hand. “I promise. Tracy’s honour.” He frowned. “Now tell me what’s wrong?”

Gordon sagged in his seat…or as much as he could in zero gravity...and stared at the dash. “I told Scott I could handle it and I can. It’s just…took me by surprise, okay?”

“What?”

Gordon sighed. “I have a thing.”

“I repeat, what?”

“I’m fine. I can fly, I can sail, I can drive, it’s not a problem really.”

“Gordon, you’re not making sense.”

“It’s stupid.”

“It doesn’t sound it. I haven’t seen you babble like this since Miss Kent thanked you for saving her life.”

“Huh? Oh.” He waved a hand as if to dismiss the blushing and stammering because their school teacher kissed him on the cheek. “Nothing to do with that.”

“Gordon…”

His brother held up both his hands. “It’s speed, okay? I’m a bit funky with acceleration.”

“Funky.”

“Funky. I told Scott I was over it.”

“Over it.”

“What? You turning into a parrot? I have a thing with speed. I was going kinda fast when the hydrofoil…you know. That.”

“Oh.”

“Yes, oh. Took me a bit to get my legs back under me.”

Apparently in more ways than one.

“So you don’t like going fast?”

“Sometimes.”

“But you’re okay?” That dread at the bottom of his stomach that had blossomed into life that horrible day just over two years ago when Gordon nearly died in the hydrofoil crash. It had swelled and retreated so many times as his brother slowly recovered. He hadn’t felt it flutter in a while.

It was not a welcome return.

“I’m okay, Allie. I just don’t want to worry Scott. Or Virgil. Or Grandma. Or John. Or anyone really. So don’t tell anybody.” He looked down at his hands. “They’ve worried enough.”

“But-“

“I’m okay, Allie, I promise.” His brother’s eyes bored a hole into Alan’s forehead. “It’s under control.”

“Is that why you don’t fly very often?”

Gordon rolled his eyes. “God, no, the Tank is just a control freak.”

Alan looked down at his controls. They were travelling ever so fast. “That’s why you don’t like space.”

A shrug. “Maybe. Mostly because it’s boring and there’s no fish.”

Alan narrowed his eyes. “So you’d be happy if we discovered a space whale?”

“Sounds good to me.” Gordon nodded with a satisfied smile. “And a nice little astro-octopus for extra entertainment. We could call him ‘Bob’.”

Alan stared at his brother. “I won’t tell anyone, Gordy. I promise.”

“Thanks.”

There was silence after that.

At least a good five minutes before Gordon flicked up the next episode of Buddy and Ellie.

A sigh and Alan settled back into his seat. It was going to be a long trip.

But at least Gordon had a distraction.

-o-o-o-

Part 5

[skyward-floored]

I had a dream about the IAU where Legend is home from school sick and playing video games and Twi walks in (because he had a day off or something?) And started pestering Legend for skipping because he looked ok and way playing video games and Legend was like "It's my stomach that hurts not my thumbs :| " and Twi was all flabbergasted and like "DAAAD LEGEND IS BEING A SNOT." and basically like typical older brother pestering

And then Legend went to his room or whatever and Time goes out to pick Hyrule up from school because he had a headache and Twi is all doting and like "Hey buddy you okay?: and Legend walks out of his room and sees it and just his FACE was so offended and he was like "oh. You believe one of the three kids who actively tries to escape school but not one of the book nerds I see how it is. No loyalty."

And Hyrule half awake mumbles "He's a puppy he is all loyalty." And just general sibling bickering and Twi is like "Howst Dare Thee!" And Time is texting Malon like "Our kids are bonkers, also pick up advil. Not for them, for me." And sends her a picture of the 3 of them wrestling eachother on the couch.

It was a very unexpected dream but I woke up laughing from it

ABDGBJDBHDHVYKLD ANON THIS IS THE BEST THING I’VE HEARD ALL DAY thank you so much for sharing it

I’m losing it at Twilight being low key obnoxious and Legend and Hyrule at the end all wrestling HELP I love it

[hannahssimblr]

Chapter Sixteen

The snow exits as quickly and as quietly as it entered, and within a few days the streets are slick from the melted flurries, the odd pile of dirty slush piled into the corners between the steps and the walls of the georgian townhouses and on patches of grass where snowmen once stood. I miss it the moment it’s gone because it means that the end to my cosy week with Claire and Shane has ended, just like all good things do. I feel a sick, twisting kind of dread as I pack my bag for college on Monday morning, every fibre of my being wishing to avoid computer labs, to avoid Marnie and Fiona now that I’ve been hit with this realisation that I didn’t miss them at all during our week apart. In fact my life was actively better without them. 

I’m unfit after sitting around for the entire week and my legs are heavy and shaky on my bicycle, but despite this I hit the college gates on time, something I have been getting better at since I started, and it’s only taken six months or so. I’m the first one in the labs too, which seems to surprise our tutor, sitting alone at the top of the room clicking around on his PC, and he almost does a double take when he sees me walk in at a normal pace instead of frantically bursting through the doors in the manner that he’s become used to. 

I sit at my desk and calmly boot up the computer, signing in to my accounts and generally feeling very pleased with myself. Very organised. Perhaps this is my new frontier. 

And then Marnie comes in, and I have to suppress a sigh.

She immediately swings over to my desk and leans over me for a hug. “Evie! I missed you, bitch.” She says into my shoulder in a voice that very much suggests that she in fact, did not, further proven by the fact we didn’t text each other once. “How was your snow week?”

“It was fine.” I say. 

“So crazy right? The whole country just shut down like that. I didn’t know what to do with myself.” She leans her hand on my desk so that she’s in my eyeline. “Listen, I have something mad to tell you.”

“Do you?” I focus on loading up photoshop and navigating to my most recent project. 

“Yes, it’s absolutely bonkers, you’re going to love it.” 

I doubt it. “What is it?”

She perches on the edge of the desk then, ready to divulge the big piece of odious gossip or whatever it is. “Well during the snowstorm-”

“Good morning.” She’s interrupted by Dean, who has just entered the room. He saunters over to us, taking his usual seat next to me, leans back in it and looks at me, then at her, then back at me. “Well?”

“Hiya.” Marnie says to him while I start blushing uncontrollably all of a sudden, avoiding his gaze in case my feelings about him are somehow obvious, and as I angle my face away from them both Dean reaches out and touches my knee, shaking my leg playfully. “How are you, missus?”

“Oh, I’m fine, thanks.” I say, and when I finally glance over I automatically erupt into this goofy, embarrassed smile because my body is a traitor to my feelings that I’ve never been any good at controlling. He lifts his hand to my face and squeezes my nose and then goes about booting up his computer.

Marnie is silent for a few moments, and I become afraid to look at her because I know. I just know. I know the look that will be on her face, I know that she’s figured it out but when I bring myself to meet her eyes her face isn’t doing any of the furious things I expected it would be. Instead she looks… entertained. Her eyes are dancing with devilish little flames as though she’s truly delighted by what she’s just seen, and somehow that look frightens me so much more than anything else I could have anticipated. 

“Well, I suppose I’ll leave you to your work.” She puts a hand on my shoulder, her acrylic nails scraping against the thin material of my top and whispers to me with minty breath on my cheek. “I’ll see you at lunch, we can catch up on our week then.” When she saunters away to her desk on the other side of the room, she leaves me sweating, palms prickling, brain whirring, and I don’t get a lick of work done for the rest of the morning. 

“You seem nervous, why are you nervous?” 

“I’m not nervous.”

Marnie stretches her legs out in front of her as we sit on a bench in the yard outside the college canteen. She’s eating a cheese sandwich and I’m eating nothing because my stomach is acting up again. “You always lie, Evie, and it’s very obvious when you do, I’m not sure you even know how bad you are at it.”

“I’m not lying.”

“You are.”

My leg is bouncing around and I’m worrying my lower lip with my teeth in an extremely nervous way, so I can see why she thinks that. 

“There’s a vibe between you and Dean.” She says at last. “There was blatant sexual tension this morning.”

“I think that’s just your perception.” 

“No, I have an eye for these things.”

“You don’t-”

“But why can’t you just be honest with me?” She says with wide eyes, a hand landing on my knee to try and stop it from jerking. “I don’t understand why you’d feel the need to lie about something to me when it’s very obvious that there’s something going on, in fact it’s been obvious for a while. I’m pretty sure everyone can see it. You like him.”

I sigh and say nothing.

“It’s okay, it’s not a big deal. In fact I’m glad that you like him. I feel like you’ve made, like, progress in your personal journey, like this is a sign that you’ve pushed through a mental block, so just admit it.”

“Fine.” I say. “I like him, and he seems to like me. We’ve been hanging out together a bit, I dunno.”

“Since when?”

“A few weeks is all, since that night that he said he’d choose me if he had to pick someone out of the three of us. We went to another bar when you left and he kissed me and we’ve been… kissing ever since.”

Her eyes light up with excitement. “Oh I knew it!” She cries gleefully. “I knew that you were lying when you said you wouldn’t get with him! You cheeky divil.” She pinches my cheek. “There’s nothing wrong with liking Dean Cullen, he’s a nice looking boy.”

Her reaction is confusing to me. Why is she so delighted by this when her entire being had seemed to rattle with white hot fury that he hadn’t chosen her instead. “Yeah I know, I just didn’t want a big deal made out of it.” I say. 

“And have you had sex yet?”

“No!” 

She grins. “Well I’m sure you will soon.”

I avert my eyes again, the word “soon” sending this ominous rush through me as the fact that something big, important, and scary is imminent springs to the front of my mind. I’m not having sex with him yet, but I might be… soon.

“How sweet.” Marnie hums, leaning back into the bench and balling the brown paper sandwich bag in her hands. “You two are so nice together.” The smile that she flashes at me seems to display an unsettling amount of teeth. “When it happens, be sure to tell me all about it.”

“I will.” I say, my mind quietly consumed with images of Dean kissing me in the dark of my bedroom, warm, bare skin pressed against mine, and the idea of him having me like that makes me drunk on some cocktail of fear and desire. I have to do it eventually, right? I think, and then shake myself away from my own lustful imaginings before they start showing on my face. Clearing my throat I say to Marnie: “Let’s talk about something else. What was it that happened during the snowstorm?”

“Oh, that.” She says, and tosses the balled up paper bag towards a bin across the yard, smiling with satisfaction when it hits its target perfectly. “It doesn’t matter. In fact it’s so stupid, I don’t think you’ll think it’s very interesting at all.” 

Beginning // Prev // Next

[justaboot]

So I was wondering how you think Goldie would have reacted if Scrooge had asked her raise the twins with him? Like say they were in a really good place and she was getting along with the twins relatively okay when they’re on adventures and he was like this. But full time? Or if they weren’t and he came to her devastated over the loss of his sister and said he needed help? What would she say? And how would he ask? I have my own thoughts but I’m really curious as to what others think would happen if Scrooge swallowed his pride and asked the woman he loved. Do you think he would do that? Would he even think about it? Would she want him to ask her?

(Sorry this is a long one it’s been on my mind non stop for days)

I think simply being in a good place would be exactly why she would leave.

Not strictly dt17, but if you mash their canon together, in the comics, she came back for him for their happy ending or whatever, and he thought she was playing him, and she kissed him. After stuff, he sent her away, for fear of getting attached and distracted, regardless of whether its already too late.

Cool, so she knows the answer is no at the turn of the century. She's not gonna let herself get burned twice.

Either way, by the time we see him, we already see that he knows (or believes) that the answer is no, so I think those sorts of conversation(s) happened much earlier in their story. Certainly by the 90's, I think he'd laugh himself sick at even the idea, which is what makes her bringing it up in the Foreverglades impactful.

Idk 150 year slowburns have to be slow, and there has to be a reason he doesn't. She's not his girlfriend for a century and a half, complicated is complicated. Being in a good place isn't even on their radar, which is what makes it being her idea so bonkers.

I'm interested in their timeline, though. She says they havent seen each other in a long time, we don't know why, but also Beakley says How could you let that thief back into our house, implying she's been there since Bentina's been living there, while Scrooge was retired. Idk.

[yourstrulylordi]

Dear Kathryn Hahn,

I’m writing to you because everything is your fault.

Ever since I got married to my beautiful wife I haven’t had a crush on anyone else. I suppose the only celebrity crush I’ve had is Jennifer Beals as Bette Porter on The L Word but that’s okay because I’ve liked since way before I ever met my wife, so that never caused a problem.

Well now you came along with Agatha Harkness and my little autistic antennas go absolutely bonkers and HELLO! NEW HYPERFIXATION UNLOCKED! So yeah… this is all your fault. Probably Jac Schaeffer too, but I’ll leave her out of it for now.

For the last weeks I’ve been completely immersed in Agatha All Along, watching every week’s episode, analyzing scenes and clues, studying the characters, sharing ideas and theories with strangers on the internet. This TV show started to heal something inside of me, this isn’t a story about witches, this is a story about women, about life, about finding one’s power. I’ve been finding my own power, I’ve been finding my voice and I have been fighting my biggest fear, which is to be seen. I’ve been reaching out to people whom I love and miss but I didn’t feel worthy of their love. I’ve been meditating, working on my emotions and negative thoughts. Trying to focus on the positive.

I’ll tell you a bit about us.

My wife and I are autistic, we both battle depression and anxiety, she also has OCD, so we deal with a handful but we are a team. We love each other so much and we are each other’s biggest fans.

My wife, she’s so precious, she’s beautiful, smart, witty, creative, intuitive, loving, funny, kind, a fighter, and is willing to give a lot for the people that she loves. But she’s so fucking terrified of living, she’s so angry at the world. She’s scared of being herself, of being seen, of being rejected, of being left, of failing, sometimes I think she is also afraid of succeeding and being accepted. She’s mad at the world for all the time it has failed her, for how mean and heartless people have been to her and are to others, for how selfish we as a society have become, always pursuing our own agenda and completely ignoring the well being of others and our planet, she’s mad because she’s also often misunderstood and made to be the “problem” (which also makes me mad), she’s always made to be too sensitive, too sick, too emotional.

She thinks she’s ugly and unattractive, but Kathryn… everyday I wake up and look at her I can’t believe how fucking lucky I am to be with her. We fought so incredibly hard for us to be together, I pretty much left everything behind and flew across the world to be by her side and I don’t regret it one bit. She’s my miracle. She gives me strength and hope and motivates me to want to get better and healthy and want to see the good things she sees in me.

So back to our problem… Agatha All Along. The real problem arose when I developed a celebrity crush on you… or on Agatha? I don’t know. My wife’s had a fair amount of boy crushes, the current one is basically present in our everyday life, we bought his vynils, I bought her a sweatshirt and a t-shirt from his merch, we have a poster of him on our bedroom wall, we watched livestreams of his performances all summer long, watched interviews, documentaries, I’ve learned all conspiracy theories about him, and I now find myself listening to his music on my own. At first I felt so hurt and jealous, like I wasn’t enough for my wife, I felt like she would leave me for a man similar to the crush, I felt like I wasn’t giving her what she needed so she had to seek for it elsewhere. But I knew deep down those were my own insecurities, I knew she loved me, I knew she makes a choice everyday to be with me, so I worked through the feelings and thoughts. I talked to her about how it made me feel, I cried, she cried, she promised she would stop liking him, I begged her not to because I knew it gave her a break from pain and obsessive thoughts and depression and anxiety and all her demons. She felt ashamed because she shouldn’t obsess about things like that, she’s 31, she should grow up. I don’t think so, I think it’s beautiful the childlike energy and passion she gives her interests and hobbies.

I know myself, as an autistic woman, that the way we experience life is different, we feel so deeply, when we like something it becomes a deep part of our personality, when we’re happy we feel endless and powerful, when we’re in pain we feel the deepest darkness within us to the point we think it might kill us. I love her autistic joy and I love mine. I don’t want her to repress any part of herself just because of my own traumas and insecurities. I want to work through them, because she’s not doing it to hurt me, she’s just enjoying life to the best of her abilities.

I know that all what I was thinking and feeling… she probably thinks it about herself. She thinks there’s something wrong with her, that she’s the reason why I am so obsessed with this fictional character, that she’s not enough, that I’ll leave her for a woman that fits the image of Agatha Harkness.

Dear Kathryn Hahn, you’re beautiful and charismatic, but even if you knocked on my door on that fabulous outfit that Agatha wears when summoning the road on episode two and offered to take me, marry me, give me the world…. I’d ask for a picture and then close the door and go back to the arms of my beautiful wife.

I want her to know that, I want her to understand why I love Agatha so much, why I’m so passionate about this show. It isn’t about how hot you are or wanting to cheat on my wife. It’s about the story, it’s about Agatha and her relationships and losses, how she coped different than me with abuse and became a selfish asshole. I became an asshole to myself, I have spent years insulting myself, punishing myself, telling myself I’m bad and ugly and stupid and unworthy. I’m fascinated by the two polar opposites, I see what could’ve become of me. I don’t like who Agatha became and I don’t like who I became either. I want to find the light and power inside of me, I want to let myself be seen, be heard, be loved. I want to give the world a chance before it’s too late, cause after all Death does come for as all.

I want that life and I want my wife to have it too. I want her so badly to see how amazing she is, she doesn’t let herself be seen either, she masks as the person “she’s supposed to be”, and that’s so exhausting, I know it from experience. I want her to be unapologetically herself, I want her to say what she needs and wants, I want her to be loud, to say no, to try new things and enjoy failing, falling, and trying again. I want her to let herself shine because she’s my light, she saved me and she keeps saving me every fucking day.

I’m struggling because even though I know and understand how she feels… I know rationally that her feelings and my feelings are valid, that I didn’t intentionally hurt her and I am trying my best to be the best wife…. I feel like a piece of shit, I feel like I’m the biggest asshole, I feel like I should punish myself, throw away my AAA hoodie, cancel Disney+, self harm, do things that aren’t good for me, I want to hurt myself, I want to break me for hurting her.

I feel the same way she felt about her interest… embarrassed and like I should grow up and not like things so deeply.

I feel so undeserving of the tiny beautiful things. Depression is so crippling and debilitating… If I have to fight so hard for every breath of air am I deserving at all? Maybe I should just give up. But I know that’s not the solution.

Dear Kathryn Hahn, I know non of this is your fault. I know you haven’t done anything wrong at all, but it’s easier to blame you because you’ll never read this and it means it isn’t my fault.

Dear Kathryn Hahn… why?

Yours truly,

Lordi