#it’s really sad bc this person is like so genuinely open they lay every single thing bare to see

[cats-in-the-clouds]

i fear there are few things worse than having a friend with paper-thin skin who easily spirals into self-hatred and deprecation at the slightest inconvenience to them and can never be consoled… who is also genuinely mean and inconsiderate as a result of spending the majority of their time focusing on themselves in such a negative vicious cycle and needs to be gently admonished except you know full well if you do so they are just going to jump down even deeper into the pit of despair and not even listen. so you can neither say anything they don’t like nor cut ties with them lest they wail and lament that you really have secretly hated them all along and they guess they’re just a bad person etc etc the only action you are allowed to perform toward them is to continue giving them ceaseless validation that they won’t even absorb in an attempt to either console them in one of their fits or to satisfy the massive ego they pretend to have even though it’s clear as day they really just hate themselves and don’t realize that that’s a form of selfishness too

[cinnamon-roll-seth]

Happy Medium (Part Two) || Rafe Cameron x Maybank!Reader

Part One

Request: hi! um this is oddly specific but i had this idea so... can you possibly do an imagine where rafe and the reader are dating and rafe is like super super sweet (and she makes him a better person🥺), but the reader is also jjs sister and he gets really mad when he finds out about the relationship bc he is really protective of her, but at a party or something a touron messes with the reader and rafe sticks up for her so jj starts to come around to the idea of their relationship

“Babe come on. It’s your birthday, you have to have a party!” Rafe pleaded, pacing around his room as you laid on his bed reading some fashion magazine Sarah had given you.

“No I don’t. Lots of people don’t have parties on their birthdays.”

“Y/N you’ve had a party for your birthday every single year since like forever. It’s how I had your birthday memorized even before we started dating.”

“Yeah and no offense but most of those parties ended up getting ruined by kooks. Besides, it’s not like JJ or any of my friends will even be there so what’s the point.”

“But the kooks wouldn’t be there to ruin it this time. Please, just let me throw you a fun party for your birthday. It’ll take your mind off everything that’s been going on. You can get wasted off your ass and I’ll stay sober to take care of you.”

“Promise?” You ask, looking up from the magazine.

“Promise,” He grins.

“Fine. But I require fruity drinks that are going to taste like pure sugar but still get me fucked up after like five sips. Beer is getting really old.”

“Of course. Anything for you Sunshine. Hey I gotta go meet up with Topper and Kelce about something. I’ll be back in an hour, you good to stay here?”

“Yeah. Rose was gonna teach me how to make some Greek meal that she learned how to make when she visited there, since I’m always saying I want to go.”

“Alright well, have fun. I’ll see you in a bit,” He leans down to plant a kiss on your forehead before disappearing out his bedroom door.

-

“Oh hell no,” JJ growls, seeing Rafe standing on the porch in front of him.

“Wait,” Rafe sticks his foot out and stops him from closing the door, “Please JJ, it’s important.”

“What the hell do you want? I thought I made it clear that I don’t want you hear. Leave.”

“Y/N‘s birthday is in two days. I’m throwing a party and I want you and the other three to come. She’s been having a really tough time these past couple weeks and I know she’d be happy if you guys came.”

“A party at your kook house surrounded by other kooks, yeah not interested. Didn’t think Y/N would ever be interested either but I guess you got your claws deeper than I thought. I trust you’ll tell her happy birthday from me?”

“Okay dude, what is your goddamn problem? I get it, you don’t like me, but Y/N is your sister. You’re supposed to be there for her but no. Instead of supporting her and being happy that she’s happy you and your friends have all been complete assholes towards her. You guys have cut off all contact and have completely alienated her because you all have too much pride and hatred for kooks to accept that she’s in a relationship with one. I’ve sat and watched for two goddamn weeks as she’s been borderline depressed, struggling with the fact that you all have disowned her. You know you guys think we’re the bad guys but you have stooped so low as to treat one of your own like complete shit simply because she fell in love with one of us. This isn’t fucking Romeo and Juliet, get over yourselves. We’re not having the party at my house, it’ll be on the beach because I know she’ll be most comfortable there. And for your information, she didn’t even want to party. I begged her to let me throw her one so I wouldn’t have to watch her be sad on her own birthday. I came here to ask you if you’d come because I know it would make her happy but if you’re going to show up acting like that then don’t bother. Goodbye JJ,” Rafe rants angrily, stepping back to exit the porch while leaving your brother standing in the open doorway in shock.

-

“Jesus you look beautiful,” Rafe grins, watching as you do a little spin in the party dress he’d bought you. You told him not to but he insisted and who were you to tell him no.

“Stop, you’re making me blush,” You laugh.

“As you should be because you look gorgeous. You ready to go? I told everyone to start showing up at six.” You nod and he grabs your hand, dragging you out of his room.

When you get to the beach the sun is just starting to set and the beach is already packed. You and Rafe walk through the crowd, searching for Kelce and Topper, who were in charge of protecting your girly alcohol. You clutch your boyfriend’s hand, overwhelmed by the amount of people you don’t even know shouting happy birthday at you.

“Yo Y/N! Happy birthday! Don’t worry, we got the good stuff!” Kelce shouts as you near the pair of boys, handing a bottle of pink lemonade UV out towards you. (A/N: Fun fact, I got waisted off of Pink Lemonade UV on my 18th birthday and ended up puking all over my aunt. Good times lmao. Drink responsibly kids.)

“What, no mixer?” You ask, taking the bottle from him.

“Oh we got that covered,” Topper replies, holding up an old milk jug full of some pink liquid. Pink Lemonade probably, it’s a good thing that’s your favorite drink.

“Well thank you boys. I’m honored,” You smile, pouring a generous amount of alcohol into your plastic cup, followed by some of the pink lemonade.

You continue to hang out with Rafe and the boys, drinking, laughing, and just genuinely goofing around. While pouring your fifth drink you look up and watch as a familiar group of pogues walk along the beach, through the crowds of people.

“What the hell are they doing here?” You ask Rafe, pointing towards them.

“I asked them to come. I figured you’d like it if they came. With the way JJ reacted I didn’t actually expect them to show.” He replies, looking shocked to see them.

“Can you hold this for a minute? I’ll be right back.” You give him a reassuring smile while he takes your drink.

You head for your brother and friends, planning to confront them, until a random touron steps in front of you, blocking your view. He must’ve already been there for awhile, as he’s clearly wasted off of his ass.

“Damn girl, where you headed to?” He slurs as you gently trying to brush past him.

“I- um- can you just let me by please?” You ask politely.

“Now hang on a minute,” He grabs your shoulders, “Just stay a minute. You know, you’re one of the hottest chicks I’ve ever seen.”

“Thank you, but I have a boyfriend. Now can you please move?” You ask again, more insistent this time.

“What a shame. Surely he’d be okay with sharing though. I mean sharing is caring, right?” He looks up and down your body hungrily, making you shiver in disgust.

“No. Get off me.”

“Don’t be so mean. I’m only trying to have fun,” He leans in so you can feel his breath on your neck. You try to squirm away but he’s clutching your shoulders so tightly that you’re stuck in place. You whimper at the pain his death grip is causing. His lips barely make contact with your skin before he’s harshly shoved off and you watch in a blur as Rafe pins him to the ground and begins to punch him repeatedly.

You blink back tears as Sarah runs up to you and wraps her arms around you comfortingly. From the other side of the fight you see your friends staring at you with wide eyes, clearly they’d just witnessed that entire thing. Rafe doesn’t stop beating on the guy and nobody really does anything to try to stop him anyway. Blood splatters the sand as he screams angrily in the boys face.

“Rafe stop! You’ll kill him!” Sarah yells finally as the guy begins coughing and choking on his on blood. She turns to you softly, so nobody but the two of you can hear, “Y/N you have to tell him to stop. He won’t listen to anybody but you.”

“R-Rafe. Baby, please stop.” You plead softly. Immediately your boyfriend stops and stands so that he’s standing over the injured touron.

“Don’t you EVER lay a hand on a woman without her consent ever again. Now leave or I will fucking kill you,” He spits, watching as the bloodied boy scrambles up off the ground and limps away.

Everyone starts going back to their partying, bored as the fight has ended. Rafe walks towards you and pulls you out of Sarah’s arms and into his own, petting your hair soothingly.

“I’m sorry you had to see that. Baby, I’m so so sorry.” He whispered comfortingly.

“It’s okay,” You tell him honestly. You were a bit shaken up but you felt so much better the second you were in Rafe’s arms.

“Y/N,” JJ says cautiously, stepping towards you.

“Look man. She’s already dealt with enough crap in one night so if you’re gonna get on her ass about being with me then just go away.” Rafe tells him but JJ shakes his head.

“No. I- uh- I came to apologize. Y/N, I’m so ashamed of how I acted. You told me that you were dating Rafe and I just, I just lost my shit. But you’re my sister and no matter what I should always support you and be there for you. These past few weeks I’ve been a horrible brother and I feel so shitty. It’s just that after years of getting the shit beaten out of me by him I didn’t want to believe that you were actually dating him. I felt a little betrayed. These past two weeks I’ve expected you to walk through the door telling me you’d made a mistake, begging for my forgiveness. I was only thinking about myself. I didn’t think about your happiness and I’m so sorry.”

“JJ I don’t know what to say. You abandoned me. You turned all my friends against me. You made me feel like a bad person for being happy.” You reply softly.

“I was angry. Anger does horrible things Y/N and I’m not proud of it but I’ll admit that I got those anger issues from Dad. I know that I can never take back how I treated you these past two weeks but I want to make it up to you. Please Y/N, I know it might take awhile but I’m willing to do whatever it takes until you forgive me.” He pleads. You’d never seen JJ Maybank beg for anything in his life until now.

“What about Rafe? I know you don’t like him and I’m not going to stop dating him.”

He turns to your boyfriend, “I still hate you...but I’ll tolerate you. Seeing how you protected my sister tonight and listening to how you talked about her the other day I know you love her. That’s all I ever wanted for Y/N, for her to be happy and loved. Maybe someday I won’t dislike you so much but for now can we just agree to get along for her sake?”

Rafe nods his head, “Happy medium?”

“Happy medium.”

Taglist (I hope I didn’t forget anybody 🥺)- @butterfliesinthenightsky @copper-boom @khiaraaa-in-spacee @n1ghtsh4d3-67 @jj-maybabe @ilovejjmaybank @starrystarkey93 @outerbanx96 @delinquentstarkey @justcallmesams @starkeysgirl @yeslifeofateen @frankiebcanon @tovvaf

[botls]

seeing hadestown 9/29/19 - part one

under the cut is my take on act one of hadestown after seeing it. i didnt really do a play by play of what’s happening in every scene so this is kind of assuming that you have some previous knowledge of the show and focuses on on the cast and the little things they were doing. part 2 here. meeting the cast. meeting tlt cast. if you have more questions or are curious about anything else PLEASE come and ask me in my inbox or messages i could talk about this show for the rest of my life

road to hell:

andre came out and it was AMAZING he held the last note of road to hell for what felt like eight years and it was incredible and for the entire time eurydice and orpheus were STARING at each other with the most perfect awestruck looks on their faces and it was such an incredible shot i was like 🤧 already

during the music part eurydice and the fates all mimicked drumming against the drum box thing at the same time it was Cute

any way the wind blows:

when eurydice lit her candle and the third fate blew it out she whipped her head around to look at the fate who just kind of shook her head innocently like “it wasn’t me” and when eurydice turned back around to light it again she just smiled and shook her head at the crowd like “don’t blame me”

this happens a few times but for the first time at the beginning of this song the fates walk towards orpheus aggressively and he gets so scared and runs back and ouch the metaphor for him being afraid of his fate......no thank you

come home with me:

come home with me was so fucking cute reeve was ADORABLE

this entire song was Fantastic for like half of it orpheus and eurydice are sitting together on the table and orpheus’ little paper flower is so genuinely awful it’s kind of sad ajhsgsvska but it was cute they showed him working very hard on it over on the side of the stage

when eurydice says “oooh he’s crazy” it leaned MUCH more heavily on the side of “i get it now this man is legally insane why are we letting him walk around amongst us” with a much longer pause that included an intense stare between eurydice and hermes that made it even funnier than the obcr

the oh a liar and a player too line genuinely caused me to ascend its better in person than you could ever imagine genuinely out of this world and orpheus sounded SO nervous when he rushed out “ohnoimnotlikethat”

wedding song:

every time reeve or eva sang the word “trees” they like thrusted their hands up violently and so did the ensemble and it was so cute and funny and the part where the table comes up behind eva was so funny and different from london it was just kind of pushed up behind her and it seemed to startle eurydice and as she leaned back she just kind of had this “whatever i’ll go with it” face on but she was Alarmed lmao

eurydice was pushed by so many tables in this song omfg

i wanted to voice record it so bad but i kept forgetting bc i didn’t want to miss A Single Thing but this was the first song where i was really really like “i wish i had recorded this” eva’s voice was chefs kiss mwah and at one part where she sang table her voice was like. palpable and she was like rubbing her hands all over a table it was heavenly

after orpheus gives her the flower in this song she legitimately doesn’t let go of it for almost the entire first act like id always assumed that she put it in her hair or her pocket but she seriously clutches it like a lifeline for a significant part of the first act it was 🥺

epic 1:

it was so stunning nobody ever warned me that wedding song ended with orpheus on his knees and hermes was like interrogating orpheus about his song while orpheus was like holding on to eurydice to not fall bc he was awkwardly balanced and i honestly think that was just reeve and eva being reeve and eva and not being orphydice and it was so cute

the whole company follows orpheus with this song like wherever he walks or turns the whole company is turned towards him paying Attention

livin it up on top:

when persephone comes down with her bouquet of flowers she tosses them over her shoulder and timothy caught them and he looked so happy he spun around in one foot and smiled so wide at the audience before setting them down on the side it was precious

at the beginning of livin it up on top persephone gives eurydice her flask and eurydice smiles really wide and nods at persephone but when persephone turns around she just looks stressed like “wtf should i do with this now”

eurydice gets up and goes right to the side of persephone while persephone is singing and she looks like she’s waiting for something and you kind of assume that it’s to give back persephone’s flask but when persephone finally turns to her at the end of the verse eurydice rushes forward with the biggest smile and presents persephone with orpheus’ flower and persephone smiles so wide and takes it from her and puts it in her hair and it’s the first time eurydice doesn’t have the flower in her hand since she first got it and it’s such a tender and precious moment

right after putting the flower in her hair persephone put her arm around eurydice and when persephone said “some may say the weather ain’t the way it used to be” she turned to face eurydice and gave her a Pointed Look and eurydice literally turned to the audience and made this 😬 exact face i was peeing

when persephone was leaving the balcony she hugged hades from behind and kissed him on his cheek and then as she was leaving he sort of lifted his hand in a mini wave and she gave him the MOST disgusted look ever and waved her hand in what i can only describe as a “fuck off and go to hell” gesture

during orpheus’ toast everyone is pretty much on the platform aside from eurydice who is right in the middle of the stage beaming at him

at one part timothy picks up eva and literally like. throws her i was like eva is flying high rn omfg he literally made it look like she weighed nothing she probably doesn’t but like.

i was wow she does this in real life at one part and i felt so blessed to witness it

all i’ve ever known:

during the intro they are staring at each other and persephone walks to each of them and puts a comforting hand on them like a mom it was Soft

the all i’ve ever known choreo was softer in person than you would ever imagine

the part where eurydice is leaning back and it looks like orpheus is holding her? that we’ve all been talking about lately? this part? they actually start on opposite sides of the stage and eurydice starts to do The Lean and orpheus halls ass and RUNS to catch her before she falls it’s so cute

the whole time for eurydice’s verse orpheus keeps trying to hold her but she keeps him at arms distance and steps back every time she says “alone” or “lonely” but when she moves into the “but now i wanna told you part” she holds him SO tight she was like first grabbing his nonexistent boobs so hard that he was backing up then his suspenders then clutching his arms and finally his hands

during eurydice’s parts the background stage lighting is a soft purpley/pink and for orpheus’ it’s a vibrant blue and then when they sing together it’s a beautiful mix of both

the just music choreo part was magical eva did the lift kick and it was majestic in person she is a Wonder

after when they’re laying down you see them holding hands and the way she sits up literally?? looks like they’re laying in bed having the conversation it’s ?? captivating strangely

after eurydice sits up orpheus comes up to hug her from behind and there is this lovely gif set from it and she holds him so tight and it really is one of the softest parts of the whole show my heart was beating triple speed because eurydice really seems on the verge of tears and orpheus just HOLDS her

way down hadestown:

they are The Most Couple couple ever first of all. after all i’ve ever known they make out for like eight years i was like????? reeva needs to calm down

persephone’s dance was just as amazing in person as you’d imagine

her dress is SO vibrant in person like. the coloring in this show is so fantastic with eurydice and hades wearing the same color and persephone standing out with her green and orpheus’ clothes are more white than the ensemble’s so it stands out wonderfully

eurydice and orpheus got interrupted while making out by being scared to death by persephone yelling at them about hadestown it was so funny

eurydice goes to dance on the platform and she tries to get orpheus to come with her but he’s reluctant so she just pats his stool instead so he sits and she dances in front of him/talks to him/touches his arms and hair it’s adorable

during the pregnant pause when orpheus did his little move in front of eurydice thing he LEPT like a gazelle and landed on one foot that made such a SOUND everyone laughed

orphydice are standing at the front at the end when everyone is saying “way doooooown” and eurydice is staring at hades and persephone descending and orpheus has his arms around her from behind and when he sees her staring he looks at the audience with a scared look on his face

a gathering storm:

when she says “did you hear me” it’s really upbeat but when she turns around and he’s already gone to work she says “orpheus...?” really sad and dejectedly

after she says “okay finish it” she climbs up to the platform and wraps her arm around him and fucking KISSES HIS SHOULDER before leaving stage i was ??🥺?!🤧?💗?!?!????🥺

epic 2:

it’s really cool - a good set up to chant with orpheus’ song finally coming together and the workers in the background really Make the scene

chant 1:

i was not ready for this

you think you understand how good the lighting in the show is but you don’t until you see chant live don’t even get me started

during hades/persephone’s opening part the entire back wall is a orange/yellow and then for orpheus’ next part they turn their backs to the audience and the back lights turn blue and for all eurydice’s parts they’re the purple/pick like from all i’ve ever known again

when eurydice asks “is it finished” her and hermes are walking behind orpheus in that order and then she turns around to ask “is he always like this” and hermes just lifts up his arms to gesture and nod towards orpheus who has already made his way back to his stool and is writing and then it’s eurydice’s verse and she disappears off to the side again after

when hermes says “orpheus? orpheus?” i had always imagined him trying to get orpheus’ attention but in actuality he’s trying to find him - for the first “orpheus?” he’s looking in the opposite direction off stage and then for the second one he’s looking up and then orpheus catches his eye and he turns to him and starts walking while shaking his head to say “poor boy working on a song” and it seems like he’s going to try and warn/help orpheus but then he seems to cave in after saying “look up” and he decides to just walk away like he’s giving up on stopping orpheus

which - if you go by the “hermes remembers the loop” theory can be read as he knows there isn’t any point to trying to stop him but he has to give it at least a shot

eurydice fights HARD for her bag and jacket it takes like three tries for the fates to take it out of her grip and it’s just as heartbreaking as you think to watch her fall i cried

for the rest of the song eurydice tries so hard to keep walking but she’s clearly freezing and keeps falling and she looks like she’s one of the workers at some parts

hey little songbird:

during this song eurydice is SO SAD the second that hades starts shitting on orpheus and saying he’s a penniless poet she turns to the audience with pouty lips and eyes and they don’t leave for the rest of the song it was Sad

for the beginning of the song she’s just more wary but curious but after that she genuinely just looks heartbroken it was soooooo heart wrenching

i think eva actually was crying too during this song and it was hard to tell at first but she was def crying by gone

at the beginning the three fates seem to be talking amongst themselves but at the first three isolated notes they turn to watch eurydice

when she says “weren’t we birds of a feather” she holds the flower out in front of her and looks at her really sadly

hades nods to the fates during “vipers and vultures” and at the piano group of three notes at the end in the higher key right after he says “they’ll pick you clean“ they smile and wave all innocently it’s so funny

when the chips are down:

the fates choreo was FANTASTICCC i cant even explain they were on fireeeee

when they’re trying to convince eurydice she has her hands squeezed against her ears and falls to the ground at one point

i forget exactly what song it was (i think this one but like i said it’s kind of unclear) but at one point eva dropped the flower and i have no clue if it was purposeful or accidental (i was leaning towards accidental) but she snatched it up so quick and gave a dirty look to the fates like warning them to stay away from it

when eurydice says “oh my aching heart” she looks forward at the audience but clutches the flower to her heart

gone i’m gone:

everyone jumped at the train whistles lmao they were LOUD tho

right after eurydice gives her tickets she puts her hands over her mouth like she can’t believe it and they stay there as she goes down

at this point i forget when exactly it happened but the flower had been out of her hair and she was back to holding it

when eurydice was disappearing after she left and the stage was dark hermes fucking picks up the candle he took from her in the beginnning and BLOWS IT OUT ????? FUCKING NOOO

wait for me:

the intro was sooooo sad the flower stood out so well against the ground

after hermes asks if orpheus has a ticket instead of sounding dejected like in the soundtrack orpheus sounds more affronted like “wha-no?!”

hermes picks up the flower and holds it over orpheus’ heart while he says “if you got the heart” and orpheus takes it and holds it for the rest of the time - mimicking eurydice clutching it for the entire beginning

i was seriously concerned about the lamps hitting his head. i don’t know how it doesn’t happen more often and honestly i totally understand that time it did bc i was like ??? how is he avoiding all these giant swinging lamps rn like he was ducking under them diving out of the way lmao well done reeve

during wait for me at one part the stage isn’t rotating so reeve is just running furiously in place and it’s so fucking funny like. he literally looks like a stressed cartoon character or something

the stage was splitting into three to represent his descent into hadestown during it and the fates were each on a part with their lanterns and looking around alarmed at each other like “wtf is happening. how is he doing this. mom come pick me up i’m scared”

why we build the wall:

even more powerful live. it was my favorite song for a long time and it didn’t disappoint

at the beginning when hades and persephone enter the stage from opposite sides persephone is walking a lot faster like “let’s get this over with” vibes and hades is walking more slow and purposefully

eurydice doesn’t join in until the very end when she turns to the front and puts her hand up like everyone else and sings the last line of the song

hermes and persephone look like they would rather be doing anything else in the world than singing this song rip

when eurydice is about to go up to sign the papers she makes eye contact with persephone who gives her a Look and eurydice just slightly raises her arms in like a “calm down” gesture lmao it was kind of funny but then persephone sadly turns away and shakes her head so it got real sad real quick

during intermission i was the very last row of the orchestra so there was a lot of commotion behind me and i heard someone ask “where’s the women’s room” and a random guy points to the line and says “follow the road to hell” i was cackling

[survivor-tierradelfuego]

Ep. 10: “Not all hero’s wear capes, some wear pajama pants and robes!” - Cody

Amy A

Everything worked out PERFECTLY. Ugh I love a good plan. Hopefully my new core 4 plus Najwah stays in power. 

Olivia A

WHAT THE HELL!! Grae was my closest ally this is so disappointing. On top of everything, Aimee didn’t even vote with us!! So we’re at a 6-4 disadvantage. I don’t think anyone wants to work with us. Our last hope is finding and buying the idols and utilizing Kalle’s fake idol. I hate this.

Pedro A

woke up on the bottom...and thinking i was going home...guess what...im still here ahahahhahahahahahahhhaahhah...yall though...kalle is my guardian angel ...like if it wasnt for that girlll i would be out

ben kessler

Wednesday, July 29th, immediately after the tribal grae got voted out: heheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheh

Aimee

I had a long day and now Grae is gone. I’m honestly crying. Jay asked if I was okay and the river of tears just started flowing. I only knew Grae for a short while and really wanted to get to know them more. They brought such a beautiful, fun and loving energy to this game. Grae, I really am going to miss you. I’m just gonna go hug a stuff animal. 

Maddison

I knew Pedro was going to play an idol. He didn’t do one single puzzle, it’s obvious he felt safe. Snakes are slithering. 

Kalle N.

I truly cannot believe that our plan worked but it did and my splitting headache is totally worth it. I really feel like I deserve an Emmy or an Oscar for my performance with Maddison and Olivia after tribal but it's fine. I have absolutely no idea what comes next but boi will it be messy. I'm so sorry it had to be Grae but I didn't know what else to do. Also I hate that I'm working with Ben but don't worry I will use my chaotic energy to go against him eventually. I will now be erasing myself from the narrative and taking a break for several hours. Thank you for coming to my TED Talk.

Najwah

OK last night's tribal was wiiiiiiild af. I think the funniest part is that this all started with me planting a seed. I told Amy L that she is at the bottom of their alliance and that I was open to working with her to get Maddison out. She spilled all the tea about Maddison having two idols and that she's been wanting to gether out for a while bc she says the same thing to everyone lmao. I think the thing that pissed Amy off is that she told her "I feel closest to you" anyway, Amy didn't respond to me immediately so I thought she wasn't on board at first so I told Cody I'd work with him and that I have the idol from Alan. Ffs. Wrong move. Cody just trust other people wit information and it's really annoying. While I love Sarah, I can't really trust her bc she's really close to Ben and Aimee - who I do not trust. Well, Aimee I am not sure about. I guess I only don't trust her because of her close Ness to Ben and Ben blatantly lies. Anyway. So Amy told me that their alliance is still trying to vote Pedro which is perfect for us coz we can still stay Hanúha strong. So at this point I realise I wouldn't have to play my super idol and Cody wouldn't have to play his extra vote. Anyway. Amy tells Kalle about the plan to get Maddison out. I send Amy a long ass message Pedro sent Zack that Zack sent me. She tells her group that Zack had sent it to her, to solidify their vote for Pedro. And then She, Kalle, Ben and Pedro form an alliance and they pull off one of the most epic blindsided. I mean, wow. Amy told me beforehand so I saw it coming and I told Cody about it too. Lmao but Ccody just can't be low key he wrote something about Maddison's two idols and he asked in the Old Hanúha group whether anyone had known about the plan lmao obviously Ben was like "no" and wtf. Ben's facial expressions at tribal was hilarious especially because I know he careful conducted this whole genius plan. I mean people still think their alliances are with their alliances and that no one has moles but there are so many layers right now and there are a few moles. 

Cody just needs to shut up. Be like Ben who claims that everything he is doing is for James lmao but is in a secret alliance with the person that got James out lmao love it. I love that I can see through some of the BS right now. The only person that could fuck up my game is Cody atm but I am taking a leap of faith and trusting him. He needs to trust me too. I kept telling him to just trust the process last night and he kept freaking out. I think the realisation of Ben being a BSer got to him a bit. Also, he toldd Sarah that I spoke to Amy? Like I'm so fkn mad. Can he just shut up? Ugh that's my biggest problem right now. I LOVE CODY OMG WE SPEAK ON VIDEO CALL LIKE EVERY HOUR LMAO but I'm just scared that he is too trusting with certain people, especially at this point in the game. He also doesn't know how to be low key lmao which is kinda funny. Also, Pedro. Wev ebeen talking a lot. Pedro's friggin Greek they're speech and the vote with Grae that ended with "sorry not sorry" just. Lmao. I wish I watched this on TV. I'm sad that it happened via skype😂😂 also I am not sure how this VL confession thing works. Did I say the right things? Yall probably have all the tea already. I'm a little sad that Grae went home. She seemed genuinely nice but she was our only option because Olivia won immunity. Maddison also made us all uncomfortable coz she took the time to chat to none of the new people at merge. Like? Olivia and Grae made the effort. She just seems too safe. Too comfortable. She isn't even participating in this challenge. Is she THAT comfortable or just pissed? Who knows? Never keep to yourself like that. It makes people suspicious. Pedro does seem very smart and manipulative though and I will be weary of him. Let's go idol hunting then woohoo. 

Najwah

Also I keep laughing at how ridiculously bad I am at answering questions at tribal. Omg. Embarrassing. I need like a few minutes to THINK. I always look back, and wonder why tf I said what I said. In retrospect, I'd answer last night's question with "don't we all feel like we are on the outs?" ugh. I'm so bad at it. I realise it makes me look dumb and perhaps that's not a bad thing. I don't mind looking dumb tbh. Lmao. 

Cody A.

I haven’t done one of these written confessions in a while! Obviously things have been absolutely fish crazy. Idek what fish crazy means but it just came to me. And on the topic of fish... I’m pretty positive I called Maola a bunch of sharks at tribal council. 

If it wasn’t for Naj last night, I would have been completely blonde sided by the vote. I had no idea what was going on, I thought the plan was to put votes on Pedro and Madison and one of them would go. 

About 20 minutes before tribal naj called me and said she did not want me to feel left out of the events that were about to occur. She told me the real plan of Pedro and Madison both playing idols and Pedro casting the sole vote on Grae. Not going to lie I was scared shitless... I was so close to writing kalles name as a safety net for myself. What if Pedro would’ve cast the sole vote against me? At the very least it would’ve been a 1-1 tie between myself and kalle. I just didn’t want to be Denise’d out of this game. 

Ultimately I trusted my gut which told me to just trust naj. If I had got fucked over last night, at least I would’ve went out trusting the right people. Naj also told me about a 4 person alliance between Amy, Pedro, Kalle, and BEN... My Ben!!! Smh. So moving forward I have to be very careful with the information I give and receive from Ben which sucks because I thought I could trust him more :/ Basically THANK THE LORDT FOR NAJ. Not all hero’s wear capes, some wear pajama pants and robes! 

Kalle N.

So this entire time that I've worked with Ben, he always dictates our moves and every single thing I can or can't say to certain people. If I suggest something he immediately turns it down and will only do what he wants. Men are the worst. Anyways, a little bit ago after he told me what our next move is and didn't let me have any input, he suddenly said "Actually what do you want to do? You go ahead and tell me what you want". That is EXTREMELY sus and makes me think that he's just trying to make me feel better while he's secretly plotting against me. I could go along with it and just let him vote me out bc honestly I'm exhausted, or I could reveal all of the insanity that happened in the last vote to my other alliance and then expose him to his own tribe for working with me. Which would get him voted out. But that's a lot of work so I'm ngl I'm leaning towards just getting voted out myself

Aimee

I’m so glad I’m not actually on an island playing real life Survivor right now. I would constantly be in the ocean or somewhere in the bushes bawling my eyes out. And then coming back to camp like, “oh hey guys! No puffy face here, I promise! Yeah everything is peaches! Hanuha strong! Those red eyes are just from too much sun, I think I need to lay down in the shade” I’m not crying over Grae and how shitty I was to Maddison or anything, JayKay I totally am! I hate that I didn’t tell Maddison the votes were going her way. I’m not even sure why I didn’t. I’m so sorry Maddison, I really hope we can rebuild our connection and work together again. I just feel like barf and am exhausted. Trying to play this game with a full time job is tough. I hope I have the emotional fortitude to pick myself back up and put on a poker face. The last thing I need is anyone figuring out my tells and knowing what I am up to. I want to work with Ben and Maddison the most at this point. I hope I can make that work out. 

Pedro A

I'm honestly scared...for the next tribal ...I feel like everyone is gonna go after me...cause apparently I'm the villan lol

Kalle N.

It's a little hard to focus on the game at the current moment bc an exciting/terrifying development may be occurring in my life in the next couple of days. I'm having a prolonged anxiety attack. We were going to try to take out Aimee so F's in the chat to pay respect. Don't know what I'll be doing. Need to go cry in the shower now.

Najwah

Sigh. It's been a very long day. I really played hard at this challenge, knowing I have a 15% DA. Do I think it's insane that someone came into the game when half the players had already been eliminated and over half the 24 hours had already passed only to NOT even try to eliminate the one person not in our alliance in there, then pretend it's all kumbaya and eliminate our alliance (who we said we won't eliminate, we made a pact?) one by one? I mean yeah it's damn insane. And not that I'm a sore loser or anything, but I wish she'd have been there when things were actually heated and when everyone else was putting in the hard work. This isn't endurance in my opinion. This is coming into a game late and reaping all the benefits. However, well done on her tactic. Love it honestly. I think she made good moves and knew when to strike and for that, of course I think she's a fkn Queen. Even though I felt as though I was so close to winning immunity, even though I tried really hard. At the end of the day, it's how you outwit and outlast your opponents. Next time I'll be sure to not read challenge rules at 4am and then try to actually understand the game properly and how I too, can make things easier for myself dammit coz I think i keep making everything so hard for myself in this game ugh. I just need one fucking WIN. Goodness I am playing so hard. Wow. Wow. Starting to wonder what panderosa is like lol must be fun. Anyway I need to sleep coz the sleep deprivation is making me feel sick af and making me paranoid about having corona. 

Aimee

https://lovelyygifss.tumblr.com/post/618070044309700608/deserved-more-than-0-votesssss QUEEN SARAH!!!!!!! 👑 ♥️ This challenge proved to me so much that Sarah is in it for the long haul with me! I could tell she was never guessing for my word and I wasn’t trying hers. Team Casanova is once again coming up equal on all challenges and I love to see it! I can’t believe I got to have my Michele moment and come from behind after being hours behind in the challenge and eliminating the last three people in a row to kick down that damn puzzle! I am on such an adrenaline rush!!! After the low lows of last night this rollercoaster of game really proves you can get right back up and thrive! Haha it was so hard saying my word since I’m a pretty positive person and my word was “not.” Sarah and I never gave up in this challenge and we ended up being the last two remaining!!! I also really bonded with Najwah and Cody. That challenge was so much more than immunity it was also a great opportunity to bond with cast mates and I really capitalized on that. Even during this challenge I patched things up with Maddison too and it seems like we are back to trying to make things work with us. I feel like Grae would want that for both of us too. I went from crying my eyes out the night before to total redemption today. It was on my bucketlist to win an individual immunity and I did it on something I never knew I could win. I’m just so amped and trying to calm myself down. I’m just https://youtu.be/erG5rgNYSd Wheeler island in the sun The song I was listening to when I won immunity. 🎃🐻🌈🍑❤️💜🧡💛

Sarah

There have been so many things that have happened today... This morning Ben, Naj, and I gave Cody enough coins for him to hopefully get the idol. Cody showed me what was in the store and how there were two necklaces for $20 which was odd. He got one of the necklaces and we thought it was a real idol. Tbh we still don’t know if it’s a real idol. Cody sent a fake message to Ben and I showing that it was a “fake idol” (he got the message from Naj when she had found a fake idol). We thought it was real but when Cody found it it said “what seems to be an idol,” which makes me think someone planted a fake idol there and he did get a fake idol. I will send in more soon... 

Najwah

I thought that making it to merge would be enough for me lol but somehow my goal is just to get further now. I'm at a crossroads though bc there is no one I really want to get out or back stab or whatever. Cody found a supposed idol yesterday. I told him just to tell Ben it's a fake idol and if Ben wanted to use the fake idol, he could give him my idol. Thing is, Cody is paranoid about it being a real idol or fake one that he found. I think he should just chill about it and it'll be fine. I just want Cody to be calm, I feel like without Zack's constant talking and scheming, the silence is getting to him a bit. But I quite like the silence. He thinks it means something is happening or people are plotting against him. I just think it means people are trying to sleep lol. I mean even if he was a target, he still has an idol. Ugh. Anyway it's actually a religious holiday for me today and tomorrow. So I will spend time with my husband and perhaps go to a fancy restaurant or something. I haven't felt fancy in so long and I realised everyone in this game has really seen gross, messy haired, late night Najwah lmao like I usually don't even let my friends see me this way 

Najwah

It's silly trying to keep wondering who tf I can trust. I need to just go with my gut. There are a few people in the game I really like. Cody, Sarah, Amy, Pedro and Aimee. I don't know the rest and I don't trust Ben. I don't know what he's up to. He was supposed to be in some secret alliance with Kalle and Amy but he told Cody and I about them so what's really happening? Who knows? Also he keeps asking me what do I want to do who do I want out? Lmaoooooooooo. 

Najwah

We had a lot of deep, crazy conversations yesterday and one of my favs were actually drooling over survivor players and realising how gay everyone is lmao. I love that. As someone who has struggled with my sexuality for most of my life, thinking I'm gay for a long time and then finding myself attracted to boys too was bizarre in the early 2000s. and being told being bisexual is a "phase" or "confusion" or that it was bc I went to an all girls school (shout out to Rhenish girls High), being in a space where everyone is really open and accepting of all this is amazing. I'm happy i live in a country where gay marriages have been legal since 2006 and ironically being trans or gay is not that big of a deal here as it is in countries way more progressive than ours. I still struggle with non binary pronouns but I am learning thanks to this game. I feel free just being who I am, whoever tf that is in this game. And for that I'm obviously very thankful. Today, I'm married to a man who appreciates my sexuality and is open to me exploring it even more. Its been a long journey and it makes me extremely happy seeing people in this game, so much younger than me and so much more sure of themselves. I'm happy that they will be spared a lot of pain and confusion. I love GenZ. I love that they just are who they are and there is no pretense. This Is so important and a luxury previous generations could only dream. Of. 

Sarah

From two nights ago.... https://youtu.be/uebz8rVKNbg https://youtu.be/xQyiuiGeEpo

Olivia A

Our plan for this vote feels really ambitious but I think it’s gonna work. We’ll likely get the numbers back :)

Maddison

I’m going to have to use my advantage tonight to save my ass. Guess that’s what advantages are for, eh?

Ben Kessler

I am trying to vote kalle out. If it works, my name will be out there but it may pay off. Maddison and Olivia are definitely going for me which is fine. I need to tell Pedro 5 minutes before tribal to trust me.

Kalle N.

Maddison will use her advantage, Olivia will play my idol, the only votes that will count will be the votes we put on Cody. That's it that's the plan

Cody A.

https://youtu.be/PuZChTTJzzU

Pedro A

Okay so me olivia kalle and amy are voting cody...plus maddison will leave tribal......and olivia will play the idol kalle has....i swear if olivia votes for me...and i go HOMEEE....IM DONEE...i have a bad feeling about this tribal...im trusting the devil lol 

Olivia A

Kalle has been playing double agent this whole time and told everyone about the safety without power advantage grrr what a mess 

Maddison

I’m making a big move tonight and I’m not sure yet how it will pan out. 

Olivia A

Kalle has been playing double agent this whole time and told everyone about the safety without power advantage grrr what a mess 

Olivia A

Initially we were going to all (Maddison, Cody, Najwah, Sarah, Aimee, and I) vote Ben but we are going to switch it to Kalle because Aimee and Ben are kinda close and we want to keep Aimee as a number. I’m happy to see Kalle go after how much she has lied to Maddison and me.

Olivia A

I am SO nervous for this vote. Here is the whole plan: Maddison will play her safety without power advantage and I will play the (fake) idol that Kalle gave me. This is just so that Kalle doesn’t get tipped off that we know about her lies. Kalle believes Maddison, Amy, and I are voting for Cody and think that she is voting for him as well. In reality, Cody, Aimee, Sarah, Najwah, Amy, and I are voting for Ben. We suspect Ben, Kalle, and maybe Pedro are voting for me and expect it to work because of the fake idol that Kalle planted. I really hope this works because if people are lying then I’m definitely going home. 

Ben Kessler

Dearest confessional, My life is out on the line. I am in a very vulnerable position right now and if I stay in the game tonight damage control must be done. There are many complicated plans and I work best under chaos, so these votes are hopefully good for my game overall. If kalle actually gives her idol to Olivia and we vote out kalle, maddison and Olivia and Amy will be pissed, but they do not have the numbers. I would need to do some more work to make sure I get the info that kalle is currently giving me, but it's not as bad as going farther with kalle and then losing later on. I now need to video call kalle goodbye.

[buckygirl-fanfiction]

Psychedelic Love - Sparks Chapter 37

Word Count: 3K

Warnings: SMUT! drug use.

Summary: You get high and share a moment with Bucky and end up making love. The beautiful moment is then shattered when he finds out.

A/N: you all better enjoy this bc its 5:30 am and I spent all night writing it.

September 29, 2017

y/n’s POV

I'm alone. Utterly and completely alone. Even Effy, Effy who's the most destructive person I've ever known, has deserted me. What does that say about me?

I’m sat in the dark staring at the ceiling of my living room. The dark space of the room is lit only by the streetlights streaming in through the half open window. I pick up my head and look towards the street. It’s oddly calm outside, a surprising warm spell has come over the entire city erasing any signs of the upcoming fall and exhibiting a climate that is reminiscent of mid July rather than late September. It’s a perfect night for a walk. Although the spark i’d once feel at the prospect of a relaxing late night wander no longer ignites within me. It’s all just rather bland… and quiet. It’s times like this i’d usually go out seeking a party or a cheap thrill but even that seemed… disinteresting.

Instead I opted to take a equally as destructive yet more subtle route. I blew out the grey smoke in a large puff and stood up making my way towards my bedroom looking for some bottoms to wear on my midnight wander through central park. I chose something that would give me the least hassle to pull on in my giddy state, a mini skirt.

Walking through the park wasn’t as thrilling as i’d hoped it to be. It was also bland… the high as good as it was wasn’t evoking any of the emotions I desperately craved to feel. What else made me feel good? You know what makes you feel good. You know who makes you feel good. I tried to ignore the destructive little thoughts rising from within me yet somehow I found myself exactly where I shouldn’t be.

I walked past the security guard with my head down, giving him a quick glance and smile not wanting to be seen like this by anyone. Once the metal doors closed and I was inside the safe confines of the elevator I press the button to his floor. I catch sight of my red eyes in the shiny metal doors and dig into my purse hoping to find eyedrops. He isn’t the type to take advantage of me when i’m vulnerable and right now I just really… really want to be taken advantage of. I tilt my head back putting drops in each eye, blinking a couple times, and hoping the crimson tint fades away quickly. The elevator doors slide open and I automatically walk towards his apartment.

I wait outside his door for a long minute. I know the code. I could enter it and find myself in his warm bed like I had done countless times before. But it wasn’t complicated back then was it? I finally bring myself to knock on his door and it opens to his worn face. He look tired although I knew he hadn’t been asleep. It was around 1am and he usually drifts off around 2.

“Hi,” he says. HIs dark circle set eyes brighten up a little as they land on my face. “What are you doing here?” He asks a ghost of a smile beginning to spread over his face, yet even with it he looks somber somehow.

He takes a step back and lets me in through the door. I feel warmer the instant i’m inside. Just the atmosphere of his presence seems to warm me and I feel myself physically rise higher every passing moment. I walk towards his couch and let myself fall against it. My legs hang freely off the end and my eyes follow his form as he walks around me and sits on the chair adjacent. I turn my head and my body to face him. I’m laying on my stomach now regarding him curiously. I’m at ease, I feel free, quite out of character for the moment. For a second it feels like old times and I realize it’s not. I’m not free because things have changed, i’m free because i’m high. Things are just as complicated as they’ve always been. I push the thought out of my mind refusing to ruin the euphoria I feel pulsing through my veins and finally answer the question he posed to me at the door. “I wanted to see you,” I say smiling softly.

He returns the smile as he watches me from his position on the chair. He’s sat leaning forward with his elbows on his knees. His hair is pulled back into a bun with stray strands sticking out. I want to reach forward and brush them behind his ear. I want to run my fingers through his scruffy stubble. It’s amassed over the last couple weeks into an almost beard. So I do. I feel no longer restrained by my fears: of one day losing him if I let him too close, of getting hurt if I let him in. I reach forward and tuck the loose strands behind his ear and gently stroke his face. He closes his eyes and his lips part. He leans into my palm like a cat does when someone strokes its face. I giggle at his reaction. He opens his eyes at the sound and they crinkle at the corners as he smiles.

“Is that all?” He asks softly in reply. “Because if you came here to seduce me, congrats doll it worked… I’m seduced.”

I push myself up playfully on all fours before getting up from the sofa and walking towards him. I take my rightful place on his lap and sit astride him. He leans back into the cushions and watches me carefully with a genuine smile still plastered on his face. I lean forward and kiss him softly slipping my tongue into his mouth. I pull him forwards and wrap my arms around his neck pulling him closer to me. When we separate I look into his eyes and ask him something i’d never have said if I were lucid, “Do you love me?” I don’t wait for an answer instead I move my lips to his neck and begin to kiss and bite and suck every inch of viable skin.

“Yes,” He moans tilting his head back, “Always.”

“Then… Take me… to your… bed… and… make… love… to me,” I say kissing his neck, face, lips in between each word. At the last syllable I look up into his eyes and loose myself.

For a brief second I realize how desperately and pathetically in love I sound. It doesn’t sound like me, the words that come out of my mouth. Or maybe it does. Maybe it sounds like unharmed past me, before everything happened. It’s amazing what a little pot can do to abate your fears.

He picks me up and I wrap my legs around him clinging onto him trying to maximize our contact. My arms around his neck bringing his lips to mine I feel a sense of elation, complete and pure bliss. In my stoned state everything is intensified. Every single moment feels longer than it actually is.

I feel him place me gently down on the bed and I lay back down watching him watch me. He slowly moves over me and helps me out of my top. I’m not wearing a bra and he takes advantage of the situation by leaning over and gently biting and sucking on my nipple. It’s intensified, its all intensified and so amazing that mere mortal words could never describe the experience of it all. I tilt my head back into his soft comforter and feel his hands slowly slip down my waist towards my skirt. I feel him pull at the elastic band and slide it off along with my panties. His mouth follows the directions his hands took and I feel his tongue on my stomach, my hips, my thighs… And suddenly I feel sad.

The bittersweet thing about marijuana is not that it always makes you feel happy. It doesn’t. It’s not as simple as an upper. It makes you feel intensely what you already feel. That’s what it does. Simple as that and I suddenly realize something that brings me down real fast. I suddenly sit up. His eyes shoot up from his position between my legs and he looks at me questioningly.

I hurt him. I put my hands on his face and bring it up to mines. I hurt him and suddenly that thought grieves me immensely and I feel my eyes water. He patiently waits for me to react and I quickly blink away a tear and tell him, “I love you, you know that right?” I ask.

“Yes,” he moans softly and I lean in to kiss him again. I shift forcing him on his back and positioning him in between my legs I can feel his rigid length under me and I slowly rub myself against it. I feel the electric sensation everywhere. I pull him up and help him pull off his t-shirt and begin to leave a trail of soft kisses on his collarbone and chest and the scars around where his old arm metal was once welded. He groans when I do this and I pull away and look at him again. “I love you…” I sigh. “I love your face,” I say kissing his cheek, “... and your mouth,” I say planting a passionate kiss on his lips. “And your hair,” I say unknotting the bun he’s wearing and running my fingers through his scalp. He closes his eyes and leans into my hands. “And your heart,” I say slowly beginning to kiss a trail down his chest, “and your soul…” I’m at his stomach now and I slowly pull down the pair of black boxers he’s wearing and lick my way down his happy trail. I grasp him in my hand and I see him tilt his head back and hear him moan. As he looks back down at me I finish my thought and say, “and you…” Before I can pop what I want into my mouth I’m suddenly thrown on my back and I feel him pushing my legs apart. I feel his searing kiss on my lips and my neck. I feel his warm hand squeeze my breasts and pinch my nipple and squeeze my thighs. I feel him push into me slowly at first doing his very best to maintain control and a steady slow place. I feel him fall apart and lose his composure and shove into my giving me no time to adjust. I feel him kiss me again this time his tongue exploring every inch of my mouth. I feel him strain against me as he pumps into me trying his best to slow his pace. When he fails he flips us over and now i’m left on top. He sits up so were nose to nose and I begin to follow the pace he set earlier and rock down onto him.

“No please,” he groans almost as if he’s in pain. “Slowly, be slow. I want this to last.” He begs and it tugs at my chest.

I slow my movements as much as I can and glue my lips to his resigning myself to the euphoria that is invading every inch of my being. We continue like this for as long as I can bear and then I’m shattered. I feel the waves of my orgasm radiating out from me in concentric circles of bright color. He’s right behind me and he hugs me almost crushing me as he pours into me, his head buried in my neck. And like that it’s over.

He falls back and I fall with him. I’m lying on top of him and we say nothing for a second. I push off of him and try to roll off but he holds me firmly refusing to let me go.

“Bucky,” I groan. “Let me go.”

“Never,” he says squeezing me playfully and I giggle.

“I love that sound,” he says, “It’s been so long since i’ve heard it.”

He finally releases me and I push myself off of him and rest myself on my elbows looking at him. “You should let this grow out,” I say tugging at the small hairs of his almost beard.

“Hmm, should I?” He asks.

“Yes, I like it.”

“Steve says I look like a caveman.”

“I like sexy cavemen,” I say giggling and I hear him chuckle for the first time tonight. I think he realizes the oddness of the occurrence for the first time. He realizes that something's different and I pray he doesn’t question it. But he does.

“You’re different,” he says sitting up. Whatever spell that was over us a couple minutes ago has faded away and I fear whatever's to come.

“No i’m not,” I smile looking up at him.

“Yes you are,” He repeats questions beginning to rise in his mind. Questions that I don’t want to face. “You’re still here.” He notes. “You never stay.” He’s right the handful of times we’ve done this before i’ve never stayed. I’ve always told him off or kicked him out or left myself.

“What if I said I wanted to stay?” I reply.

“Why,” he asks refusing to drop the topic.

“Because I want to stay,” I say giggling and pushing myself up and once again sitting astride him. I try to close the distance between us but he holds me back regarding me questioningly. “What’s wrong?” I say laughing a little too hard.

“You’re high…” He says almost as if he can read my mind. He’s just realized it. If he’d before he would have never done this. His face instantly begins to drop and I see an expression that can only be described as betrayal.

“Yeah maybe? So what. It doesn’t matter.” I say smiling trying to pull his face towards mine again. “Come on fuck me again. It felt amazing.”

“No!” He says almost angrily now. He lifts me off of him and stands up trying to maximize the distance between us. “Why?” He asks. “Why would you ruin such a beautiful moment by….” He can’t even bring himself to say the words and I suddenly feel a great break in my heart. A great sense of guilt and since i’m still stoned it’s only more painful and intensified. I try to blink back the tears but i’m failing fast.

He walks away from me and I think he’s about to leave for a second and I feel pure terror and panic. But he doesn’t instead he walks towards his dresser and pulls out one of his grey shirts and a pair of drawstring pajama pants and throws it towards me.

“Put on some clothes.” That’s all he says. His voice is kind and that's the only thing that keeps me from breaking down.

“Why?” I say playfully trying to bring back the moment. I sit up on my knees and say, “come back to bed.”

“y/n please.” He says and even just his tone causes me pain.

I pick up the shirt and put it on and stand up and pull on the overly large pants tying them snugly to me with a secure knot. I walk towards the bedroom door assuming I should leave. When I feel his hand on my wrist. “Don’t go,” he says again in that kind disappointed voice that just tears me apart. It would be better if he’d yelled or told me off or kicked me out.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to ruin it.” I say in the strongest voice I can muster. No I refuse to cry. I am strong.

“Why?” He asks simply.

“Because I missed you and I wanted to see you.” I reply. I didn’t have an answer.

“So you could have just come and saw me. Why did you have to… Why didn’t you tell me?”

“Because I knew if you knew you wouldn’t have…” I say trailing off.

“So what am I to you? Just another drug to use when you need to feel something?” He asks and the words hit me deeper than anything has hurt me throughout my entire life.

“No.” I say instantly taking a step towards him and he takes a step back.

“I’m sorry okay, i’ll go.” I say turning around.

“No. Don’t go… i’ll sleep on the couch.”

“No you don’t--” he cuts me off and walks towards the door.

“Just go to sleep y/n. Please.”

“Because I wouldn't have come if I was sober okay.” I say cutting in before he has a chance to leave. He doesn’t turn instead simply stands still listening. “You don’t understand okay. How scared I am. I’m always scared and it pervades every second of my existence every inch of my being of my world. And it’s so hard… you don’t understand how hard it is to be strong. And you scare me okay. Because if I love you one day you might die out there saving the world and i’m scared of what happens next. I don’t think I can live with that. So I was scared. But today. For just one brief second when I came here I wasn’t scared anymore. But you’re right. I can’t be high all the time and you can’t stop saving the world. So if I wasn’t high this wouldn’t have happened. I would have been too scared to do anything and i’m sorry okay. I’m sorry for being weak.” I sit down on the bed and realize just how much information i’d just volunteered about myself. “Wonderful thing about being high right… I’m not scared to tell you all this….” I trail off and let out a “ha.”

He still refuses to turn around and face me and that hurts me more than anything. But, I guess it’s fair because I’m not innocent in the hurting department. “You’re not weak. You’re the strongest person I know.” He says, “Go to sleep y/n,” with that he walks out of the room and i’m alone again in the dark.

I know its been like 10 years since I updated Sparks.

[psyclownsis-a-blog]

LITTLE CHARACTER THINGS

just a fun little character game. fill in the below categories with 3-5 things that your character can be identified by.

repost & tag away !

tagged by: @nchntrss​ tagging: @bangflags @adrenalinesaint @puzzleborn @purrsuasion @bestvictim​ @looneyed @comegente (yes im tagging u twice bc ilu) and anyone else who wants to do it !!

EMOTIONS / FEELINGS:

001. love-- but like, the kind of love that’s just too big to keep inside, the kind you can’t stop thinking about, the kind that makes you smile like an idiot at random times throughout the day. doodling hearts and flowers all over your notebook margins love. automatically thinking of them when you see stuff they’d like love. romantic love. platonic love. all the love. so much love.

002. laughing really hard over something you find genuinely funny-- the simpler, the better. the kind of giddy you get after reading something random and stupid on the internet but it just gets you and you end up laughing about it for half an hour afterwards. laughing at dog videos. laughing at puns. laughing at a funny face your friend just made. snorting, spilling your drink out your nose, cackling, clutching your side. that kind of laughter.

003. looking at somebody and imagining what your life would be like if you fell in love and got married. wondering what they’re like in bed. wondering how it would taste to kiss them. wondering how they’d propose to you. the thought disappears as suddenly as it came in the first place, but it wasn’t unpleasant while it lasted.

004. everyone you love is so genuinely utterly good in your mind that you can’t fathom why anyone would ever dislike them. you sniff out sadness like a bloodhound and you want to track the cause and snarl scarily and sink your teeth into it and crush vertebrae. nobody hurts your friends. nobody.

005. a man has hurt you and you still love him. this is not in spite of him hurting you. this is because you hurt him back in equal measure. because he is the king and you are the queen. you are the queen. you carry sledgehammers and you sic wild dogs. you do not let people hurt you anymore.

GREETINGS:

001. a running jump into your arms or onto your back and her arms thrown around you carelessly.

002. a big long loud kiss on your cheek, MMMMMMMMWAH, usually accompanied by lipstick.

003. all five fingers wiggling and a childish giggle.

004. “hey, bay-bee!”

005. “hiya!”

COLORS:

001. red. bright red. coke bottle red, cherry on top of the ice cream red, candy apple red.

002. blue. the kind of innocent color you picture when you think of cloudless skies. in the right light it turns into the sterile and washed-out shade of hospital tiles.

003. pink. glitter confetti, scar tissue, sticky lip gloss. the most eye-catching highlighter in your backpack. feminine and cute and lurid and loud and impossible to ignore and sometimes painful to look at.

004. yellow. the sun with a smiley face in the upper corner of a child’s drawing.

SCENTS:

001. strawberry shampoo.

002. elephant ears. you’re at an amusement park and somebody just walked by with an elephant ear and you can’t remember the last time you had one and your mouth is watering and you’re feeling in your pockets for change to buy one.

003. cigarette smoke. hers? her boyfriend’s? her boy friend’s? nobody knows. it seems like a physical manifestation of the phrase “relying on the kindness of strangers”.

004. cake. maybe she was baking one, or maybe it’s her perfume, or maybe she was eating one. or maybe all three.

005. blood. more often than not it’s someone else’s that she gets all over her. she’s enthusiastic, not effective.

CLOTHING:

001. the harlequin costume.

002. a dark grey pullover hoodie with the letters GSU printed across the chest. it’s pilled and faded and even has a few seams starting to fall apart, but she refuses to get rid of it. maybe it’s the pride she has from getting her doctorate. maybe it’s something else from her college career. she’ll never tell.

003. fishnets stockings. you think you’ve seen her wearing an intact pair maybe once in the whole time you’ve known her. the knees are always missing.

004. a black combat boot on one foot and a red one on the other.

005. a man’s worn-out blueish-greyish-blackish t-shirt that can only cover one shoulder at a time and reaches halfway to her knees.

OBJECTS:

001. scented markers.

002. sledgehammers. pieces of things that used to be human body parts may or may not be present.

003. stuffed animals. every single one has a name and personal history.

004. heart-shaped glasses.

005. lipstick.

VICES / BAD HABITS:

001. popping gum and slurping soda.

002. sleeping around.

003. biting her nails.

004. falling for all the right people in all the wrong ways.

005. flirting with death. or, at least, giving death a hand-job in the back of the movie theater.

BODY LANGUAGE:

001. kicking her feet.

002. puckering, chewing, sucking, biting. her lips, i mean.

003. twirling and twirling and twirling and twirling.

004. propping her chin on her hand.

005. everything is open. her heart, her arms, her legs, her mouth. somehow she still makes it look innocent.

AESTHETICS:

001. 90s glitter glam.

002. sweet girl, but her mascara’s smeared and you saw her smoking cigarettes on the fire escape last night.

003. neon at night.

004. sunlight streaming through the window and making her blonde hair glow.

005. lay among the flowers. wonder what they’re whispering about. be content to know it is too beautiful for your human mind to understand.

[cezulian]

I have a Crush™ on a dude from work but all I have are anxieties about these things bc he specifically is very chill and soft spoken in the way that it just makes me hyper-aware how fuckin loud and endlessly chatty I am and also I do this thing where I think every single person is irritated by me bc all I talk about is either the media I’m consuming or thoughts and ideas on shit that’s too deep in the realm of conversation to ever have a nice light talk about or I’m fuckin cracking stupid jokes because I’m naturally a very goofy person but I don’t want that to come off as trying too hard which I worry it always does? And also I hate my body because I have scars like everywhere on my torso at least and forreal I can’t even comfortably have sex unless I have a shirt on which is just awkward and stupid and horrible and I haven’t been in a relationship in fifty trillion years and my last one was a garbage disaster that ended badly so like??? I don’t even know how to do that bullshit anymore or what’s normal really or fuckin whatever bc I was 18 or 19 when that was over and I’m a totally different person now.

Also I don’t know how to fuckin act EVER did I mention this because seriously since high school I’ve been micro-analyzing every single one of my actions and people’s reactions to them bc I don’t want a repeat of high school where I was slowly being replaced in the friend group that I’d had for years by someone else and said friend group kept inching and inching away from me until I asked them what was up and they all went off on me about all these supposedly vexing character traits I had I wasn’t even aware of being there nor being something that was tearing us apart so now as an adult if I even think that someone is having an adverse reaction to my behavior I frantically try and fix it or redo it and then I obsess over if I did THAT right like an alien in a bad skinsuit trying to convince everyone that they’re a normal human being but their florglap fluid is sweating through their plartoch layer and its becoming more and more obvious to everyone that they’re not of this world.

Also people just straight up don’t wanna date me, like genuinely, yknow? I just don’t think I have a dateable personality and I mean that from an entirely objective standpoint. I’m very “cheeky best friend to male lead in a rom com who liked him the whole time but at the end decides that he’s better off with female lead and the end credits narrative shows me sitting on a train and the on screen text talks about how I later moved to Geneva to study philosophy and became a professor and never married or whatever” kind of vibe to me I mean really yall know me I’m bursting at the seams with infinity things I want to talk about all the time I never shut up unless I get tired or I begin to realize that I’m talking too much and spend the rest of the time I’d spend talking in complete silence obsessing over how much I’ve talked until my hands bleed from digging my fingers into my palms too hard and didn’t notice or someone literally shoots me dead. I’m a good listener and I love listening but I still feel like I haven’t mastered the distinct balance between giving people too much of my time this being talked over or taken advantage of thus not being listened to in return (not that I ever like “expect anything in return” for listening) and not giving people enough because I’m more concerned with helping them out or trying to make them feel listened to. Idk if its because of me or because of the different perspectives of the people I’ve dated or what dude. I’m also very very very emotional about everything and not a lot of people get that if they’re going to watch a show or movie with me or we found out we read the same book I’m gonna wanna fuckin GET INTO IT like CRAZY DEEP because I thrive on figuring things out and deconstructing ideas and finding out how they work and will work in the future but even people who know what they’re getting into with me end up exasperated and either try to change the subject or just have this look on their face like they’d rather be anywhere else. I definitely know people who can talk longer on one singular subject than I can but cmon yall that’s not the type of person anyone would actually want to be in a relationship with! And I always feel like I attract the extremes of one particular group or another whenever I do attract people because my interests vary so much? Like I love Shakespeare, Reality TV, Dragon Ball Z + other very specific genres of anime, Haute Couture, very specific genres of Video Games™, World history, Revolutionary War history, pretentious art films, politically-fueled rap music, shallow and bare minimum rap music, very specific genres of talk-singy freeverse indie music, astrology, 80s cartoons, social issues, weird gore art, and very specific genres of shitty youtube videos and all in all I know that these things aren’t unique or special and a lot of people are into these same things but I can never seem to find someone who isn’t just into only one of these things and is disappointed once they get to know everything else and just kind of drop me?

But because of all this I’m both super secretive and paranoid about everything and everyone as well as uncomfortably open and weirdly personal with everything and everyone and I get to a point where when I have a Crush™ on someone I work myself up into liking them a whole lot and then if they somehow end up liking me too I freak the fuck out about everything wrong with me and also obligation and commitment as a prospect and turn em down but then when they say “ok I’ll date x person instead” I also freak out because “how could you do this to me I thought we were real???” and when they go “oh ok so u wanna go out?” again I go “Oooh I’m actually in a really bad place right now sorry” and that’s not fair to anyone man!!

But guess what dude none of this matters anyways because this guy has a girlfriend and I don’t fuck with peoples’ relationships like that so even though we like the same very specific genres of both games and movies and even though he seems genuinely interested in what I have to say and vice versa and even though we share the same opinions on the goings on of various facets of modern human psychological/societal development and politics its like whatever man. I’m not trying to be a fuckin nihilistic douche or overdramatize my shit bc I’m not super sad or anything right now I’m just like trying to remember my cycle of bullshit and not come off as though I’m fetishizing my sadness and now I’m just like laying here its 6:04 AM and I’m paranoid about posting this and yall knowin all kinds of shit about me but also I want yall to because its only natural for people to want to be understood or to want to even feel like they could be understood and I know yall won’t read this but I don’t want that to sound like I’m fishing for pity because again I’m not sad I’m just workin out my shit ya feel bc I gotta go to work with this guy on Friday and I’m gonna let him borrow Silent Hill 3 because I said I would because I don’t know when to stop so this is all just on repeat in my head yall feel