#Buncha buuuuuuuullshit

[cezulian]

I have a Crush™ on a dude from work but all I have are anxieties about these things bc he specifically is very chill and soft spoken in the way that it just makes me hyper-aware how fuckin loud and endlessly chatty I am and also I do this thing where I think every single person is irritated by me bc all I talk about is either the media I’m consuming or thoughts and ideas on shit that’s too deep in the realm of conversation to ever have a nice light talk about or I’m fuckin cracking stupid jokes because I’m naturally a very goofy person but I don’t want that to come off as trying too hard which I worry it always does? And also I hate my body because I have scars like everywhere on my torso at least and forreal I can’t even comfortably have sex unless I have a shirt on which is just awkward and stupid and horrible and I haven’t been in a relationship in fifty trillion years and my last one was a garbage disaster that ended badly so like??? I don’t even know how to do that bullshit anymore or what’s normal really or fuckin whatever bc I was 18 or 19 when that was over and I’m a totally different person now.

Also I don’t know how to fuckin act EVER did I mention this because seriously since high school I’ve been micro-analyzing every single one of my actions and people’s reactions to them bc I don’t want a repeat of high school where I was slowly being replaced in the friend group that I’d had for years by someone else and said friend group kept inching and inching away from me until I asked them what was up and they all went off on me about all these supposedly vexing character traits I had I wasn’t even aware of being there nor being something that was tearing us apart so now as an adult if I even think that someone is having an adverse reaction to my behavior I frantically try and fix it or redo it and then I obsess over if I did THAT right like an alien in a bad skinsuit trying to convince everyone that they’re a normal human being but their florglap fluid is sweating through their plartoch layer and its becoming more and more obvious to everyone that they’re not of this world.

Also people just straight up don’t wanna date me, like genuinely, yknow? I just don’t think I have a dateable personality and I mean that from an entirely objective standpoint. I’m very “cheeky best friend to male lead in a rom com who liked him the whole time but at the end decides that he’s better off with female lead and the end credits narrative shows me sitting on a train and the on screen text talks about how I later moved to Geneva to study philosophy and became a professor and never married or whatever” kind of vibe to me I mean really yall know me I’m bursting at the seams with infinity things I want to talk about all the time I never shut up unless I get tired or I begin to realize that I’m talking too much and spend the rest of the time I’d spend talking in complete silence obsessing over how much I’ve talked until my hands bleed from digging my fingers into my palms too hard and didn’t notice or someone literally shoots me dead. I’m a good listener and I love listening but I still feel like I haven’t mastered the distinct balance between giving people too much of my time this being talked over or taken advantage of thus not being listened to in return (not that I ever like “expect anything in return” for listening) and not giving people enough because I’m more concerned with helping them out or trying to make them feel listened to. Idk if its because of me or because of the different perspectives of the people I’ve dated or what dude. I’m also very very very emotional about everything and not a lot of people get that if they’re going to watch a show or movie with me or we found out we read the same book I’m gonna wanna fuckin GET INTO IT like CRAZY DEEP because I thrive on figuring things out and deconstructing ideas and finding out how they work and will work in the future but even people who know what they’re getting into with me end up exasperated and either try to change the subject or just have this look on their face like they’d rather be anywhere else. I definitely know people who can talk longer on one singular subject than I can but cmon yall that’s not the type of person anyone would actually want to be in a relationship with! And I always feel like I attract the extremes of one particular group or another whenever I do attract people because my interests vary so much? Like I love Shakespeare, Reality TV, Dragon Ball Z + other very specific genres of anime, Haute Couture, very specific genres of Video Games™, World history, Revolutionary War history, pretentious art films, politically-fueled rap music, shallow and bare minimum rap music, very specific genres of talk-singy freeverse indie music, astrology, 80s cartoons, social issues, weird gore art, and very specific genres of shitty youtube videos and all in all I know that these things aren’t unique or special and a lot of people are into these same things but I can never seem to find someone who isn’t just into only one of these things and is disappointed once they get to know everything else and just kind of drop me?

But because of all this I’m both super secretive and paranoid about everything and everyone as well as uncomfortably open and weirdly personal with everything and everyone and I get to a point where when I have a Crush™ on someone I work myself up into liking them a whole lot and then if they somehow end up liking me too I freak the fuck out about everything wrong with me and also obligation and commitment as a prospect and turn em down but then when they say “ok I’ll date x person instead” I also freak out because “how could you do this to me I thought we were real???” and when they go “oh ok so u wanna go out?” again I go “Oooh I’m actually in a really bad place right now sorry” and that’s not fair to anyone man!!

But guess what dude none of this matters anyways because this guy has a girlfriend and I don’t fuck with peoples’ relationships like that so even though we like the same very specific genres of both games and movies and even though he seems genuinely interested in what I have to say and vice versa and even though we share the same opinions on the goings on of various facets of modern human psychological/societal development and politics its like whatever man. I’m not trying to be a fuckin nihilistic douche or overdramatize my shit bc I’m not super sad or anything right now I’m just like trying to remember my cycle of bullshit and not come off as though I’m fetishizing my sadness and now I’m just like laying here its 6:04 AM and I’m paranoid about posting this and yall knowin all kinds of shit about me but also I want yall to because its only natural for people to want to be understood or to want to even feel like they could be understood and I know yall won’t read this but I don’t want that to sound like I’m fishing for pity because again I’m not sad I’m just workin out my shit ya feel bc I gotta go to work with this guy on Friday and I’m gonna let him borrow Silent Hill 3 because I said I would because I don’t know when to stop so this is all just on repeat in my head yall feel