#it’s okay though I’m sooo strong and brave

[menlove]

HELLO JAMES MENLOVE how are you this fine day. I have a very important question to ask, do you have any tips on writing an accurate Paul voice in fanfic? I’m trying to write Baby’s First Beatles yaoi here and I’m struggling. TYSM 🫶

EXCITED TO SEE WHERE U GO W BABY'S FIRST BEATLES YAOI. SEND ME SO MANY UPDATES. also love the new pfp us matching mclennon icon warriors are brave

and LORD okay take this all w the "I'm american" grain of salt but! depends on the era you're writing them in really imo! like any of them, when he's younger, pre-beatlemania and especially in liverpool/hamburg, his accent was thicker. ur gonna be out here googling slang words in 1960s liverpool. but to get a better idea of His voice specifically, a lot of those early interviews and ahdn are good, but also keep in mind he was sort of like. cleaning up his accent a little for the cameras. but it's lots of contractions, but focusing on cadence/wording is better, imo, than focusing on trying to write out the accent which can get grating to look at if you have an apostrophe every other word (but that's just me). lots of glottal stops happening

during/post-beatlemania it seems like he tried to clean up his accent. out of the 4 of them, imo, his accent is the Least strong. it's turned a bit more posh as he's aged (again if I'm mishearing any of this british people you guys do have the right to kill me with hammers) & watching some of his more recent interviews or later beatles interviews gives you a good idea of that! BUT this has the bonus of- you can always have more of the liverpool accent slip back in when he's upset/excited/particularly comfortable/etc etc

if u mean Content....... what I always keep in mind is just that paul is very diplomatic. he says what he thinks will keep the boat from being rocked, esp once they hit beatlemania. so it's always fun to have him sort of think through his words, think about what he Wants to say, go hm yeah can't say that in any dignified way without Consequences, and say something else that may even be contradicting his actions. on the other hand, though, he can be a bit of a dick. esp when him and john feed off each other. lots of early days stories of him encouraging john being an ass to people and being one himself. his asshole-ry comes in a sort of blunt flavor OR a very backhanded sort of bizarre flavor. like sending people postcards saying "obey your school master" and telling people they're not good vs his weird little "who knows, yoko!" type of comments when he's Trying to be diplomatic but still wants to kick shins. I always sort of view him as being kind of oblivious to how blunt & dickish he can come off 😭 great for writing scenes w him and george honestly. so it's fun to have him say or do smth that just. from the outside is sooo shitty but since ur in his pov he's literally just not even thinking about it

[honestlyitsjustsam]

alright now that i finished my first bg3 run lemme rate the companions from worst to best based on their story, voice lines and gameplay value

long as fuuuuuck thread

9. Halsin

It is with a heavy heart that I say this, but Halsin is maaaad boring as a companion, his story was so sleeping material next to the rest of the gang. He is too naive and often ignorant, and you get to see it by his voice lines when you reach Baldur's Gate. He lived for 350 years but is still trying to see the world as black and white… he is literally one second away from becoming an eco-terrorist, and even though it's hilarious, it’s not enough. Plus, he is sooooo weak in the battlefield except when he is a bear, and even then, the value he brings is non-existent. He just feels like goon material, sure he is hot and large, but… that’s kinda it. I wish he was polished and was a companion since the ending of Act 1.

8. Minsc

He is hilarious!! And I liked him more than I originally thought I would. His little companion Boo really makes me laugh, and some of the lines he says are straight-up ridiculous, which makes him very funny. But aside from this, he is kind of a dumbass, and even though I’m okay with it, I didn’t see much development for his character. Maybe if I played other BG games, my reaction would have been different, but he was kinda just there. But during battle, his movement speed is insane, and he wasn’t such a bad asset. I personally made a mistake and recruited him sooo late, so that’s on me.

7. Jaheira

Ohh Jaheira!! My mom, my mentor. I liked her more than I thought I would, and I am glad. I swear I got teary-eyed when she first called me “cub” 😭😭 MAMA!! That being said, I feel like she got the Minsc treatment from me as I haven’t played the other games. And I kinda dislike this “strong woman = absent mom” trope. I sincerely dislike it because strength doesn’t come from solitude; it comes from showing up when people need you, and it comes from showing your love. Also, the Harpers questline was booooring, kinda don’t care for a force that cannot do shit but use arrows. But she was a tremendous help during my fights, her becoming an owlbear and tearing up ass was such a delight to play as. Genuinely like her and would like to see more of her.

6. Wyll

Ahhh my prince charming. The one true good character of the gang. I really like him a lot; his story being this intertwined with Karlach’s makes me so happy, and he is genuinely a kind soul with a brave heart. And the locks mod for him? Uuh, made him 10 times hotter! But that being said, he is kind of weak in the battlefield (as I realized warlocks are uhhh), and his story with his dad wasn’t interesting to me. Thus, I destroyed the pact and didn’t even try to save him from Iron Throne. Be nice to your kid who sold his soul for his people, mf. And his pact with Mizora broke my heart; I wish he had another way to deal with her. But hey, the horns look good, and his heart is in the right place (though I always kinda cannot love purely good characters as they lack depth and kinda act like a book of virtue). He definitely lacked in the content department as well, so thus, I cannot add him higher than 6th…

5. Karlach

Ahh my beautiful fiery friend, Karlach is such an inspirational character because even though she is going through quite literally hells, she still keeps her upbeat and charming self up. She aspired me to look at problems with less of a scornful face, honestly. I'll try to be like her; I really want to. It pisses me off how short her story is compared to the rest and how sad her fate is: either go to the literal hell you are trying to escape or die. I'm glad in my run Wyll was able to go with her, but it was nothing but a temporary solution. Her story didn’t end in a way; just left incomplete, thus I cannot put her higher. I like her in battle; she was my tank after all, though I believe I wasn’t able to build her to her potential, thus Lae’zel was a better fighter than her. I still love her personality, her full-of-life views, and her hilarious voicelines. Her being a tiefling makes her more appealing, as they are probably my fave race in BG3! Long live my hot, fun, and energetic babygirl <3 <3 <3

4. Astarion

Ahhhhh the pale elf. Astarion is such a delightful character, from his funny lines to Neil's incredible performance to his story to his general behaviors, acts, and preferences to HIS INCREDIBLY STRONG BUILD for his battle style. I love him. I adore him, and I cannot wait to romance him as OG Durge hhihiih. I feel like a great amount of the taste of backstories of companions is locked behind their romances, thus to understand them more, I must romance them!! Oh joy, love it. Astarion was such a savior for me during fights, and especially if I managed to make him attack while sneaking, he was sure to get multiple crit hits. Though I feel like the rogue class is a bit boring to play as: I make one ranged attack, and if the enemy is close, I can do one close-range, but if not… well, I need to skip him. So yeah, it was definitely powerful, but the thrill always ended too quickly. I genuinely love Astarion's story. I love how devs showed his abuse—it’s not common to narrate sexual abuse towards male characters, and I’m glad his story is there to make me cry. He is truly a quality character, and as you get to know him more, you understand his hostile self in Act 1. That being said (I hope no one gets this the wrong way), I think him in general and his story are overrated as fuuuuck in the fandom space, and the way Larian only focuses on him to cater to the audience kinda annoys me, thus makes me not like him as much as I'd love to. It's a real thing that a fandom can make or break a character for me, and this is kind of his situation, so why I think he belongs to the 4th spot. But who knows—he may go higher or lower after I finish his romance path.

3. Lae'zel

Now if anyone told me that I’d like Lae’zel as much as I do now, I’d laugh at their face as I was kinda annoyed by her rude self as I was watching the EA version of the game, but OH LORD she is truly a gem, my soft frog treasure. Yes, she is rude. Yes, she is bloodthirsty. Yes, she is persistent. But they all make her such a compelling companion, as you get to see her kinder self. After the travel to Creche, you get to see how nice she is to Tav. She actually tries her best to cooperate and find common ground with you, not because of the affliction alone, but because of the time you spend together. She is suuuch a slow burn, and I love her for that. So me betraying her at the end really felt like a sharp knife to my chest. I tricked her after going and retrieving the fucking hammer—MIND YOU, HOUSE OF HOPE WAS LIKE HELLS FOR ME. I kept on dying and dying to those fucking fireballs, but to make her happy and contribute to the liberation of her people, I did it. However, at the end, I think I was gaslighted into thinking that the Emperor was the only choice for survival. It pisses me off how her story is intertwined with the ending this much. Maybe I should have picked Orpheus, so I wouldn’t be so disappointed in myself. A chance for another playthrough. I just love her a lot, AND SHE IS THE POWERHOUSE OF MY TEAM. She is the strongest companion I had, no joke. She crit hit so many people and saved my ass so many times. I’m actually so grateful for a queen like her. The reason I put her slightly lower is because her Act 2-3 story was not as strong as Act 1 for me. I did see her improve, but the spotlight of it turned from her development to the freedom of her people slightly, thus I wanted the spotlight to stay on her. I must romance her to see her even softer side, my frog queen!!! I kiss you; I smooch you <3 <3 <3

2. Gale

OHHH DEKARIOS you have captured my heart with your endless vocabulary knowledge and swagless rizz 💜💜💜. The real Gozde stans know she can never say no to a brunette malewife guy with pretty brown eyes. I LOVE Gale, and searching up his name after my run left me shocked as I saw that the majority hated him sdhsgdhsgd. Now, I'm not gonna lecture anyone, but if the only reason you hate him is because he eats only THREE of your artifacts (which are ridiculously easy to find in Act 1, Skill issue) and because he talks a lot, yeah, I don’t wanna listen to you lol. But if you are actually critical about his neutral self and his inflated ego, I’m all ears as it is always delightful to listen to takes that make sense. I kinda see myself in his story, thus maybe why it hit me this hard. The prodigy genius wizard (I’m not calling myself genius, but I had VERY high grades ehehe) who thought his studies defined him, thus became this egotistical guy who was pretty decent in magic. Literally ruined his life for his ambitions to become something more, burning out like a candle that gets lit up fast, locking himself up in his tower and succumbing to depression and self-hatred. A relationship that broke his self-love, and now he hides his deepest insecurities behind his shield of "Gale of Waterdeep" title. Thinking the world would be a better place if he just killed himself. Thinking himself so worthless that a small token of appreciation feels like a parade he needs to cherish. Thinking the only way to improve himself is killing Gale Dekarios and becoming the memory of a once-great wizard—not stopping there and actually trying to rise to godhood of ambition just to show everyone, Mystra and maybe himself, that he is enough. OH THE ANGST. In the past, I did have such cold feelings for myself; sometimes they still resurface. I did think of taking my own life because of the pain I caused for my family and friends. Even though my reason isn’t as explosive as his, I get him, and Tav's romance revolving around healing him and not having kinky sex 24/7 really touched something in my heart. I thought that maybe I, too, deserve to be loved. Maybe I, too, should reach for highs that are realistic and stop being a suicide threat 24/7. Ohh, I adore him. I can talk for hours about his story, but I gotta keep it short. He is incredibly powerful in combat if you build him right, and I believe I managed to do that. He taught me so many different words, and his sudden flirty remarks really left me speechless, just looking at the screen fucking dazed. Ahhhhhh I LOVE YOU FUNNY MAGIC MAN.

AND NOW THE WINNER IS

SHADOWHEART

Ever since I watched my bestie play EA, I knew she was going to be my fave character. I don’t know if it’s because of her soothing angelic voice, or because of her goth design, or the way she sees the world, or because we both share religious trauma, but I don’t care—she is my favourite companion, character, BABYGIRL, girl for girls, and everything really. In EA, she was a lot colder and had her walls up, but I feel like they tweaked her to make her more likable—probably because of the male audience lol. But nevertheless, my love for her didn’t lessen an inch. She is one of the realest characters. Her trauma is actually so heartbreaking: getting stolen from your fam because a CUNT wants to be the right hand of a deity who is nothing but misery and pain to people, getting educated your whole life in the ways of being cruel, GETTING YOUR MEMORIES TAKEN FROM YOU as if they aren’t what makes you who you are!! These are some hard-to-swallow things that I absolutely eat up when they’re fictional. Religion is a weird thing—it makes you feel safe; believing in something makes you feel grounded. But you also feel the pain caused by people who use that religion as their sword. Shart’s case? Shar was a master manipulator, played her like a toy, fucking used her to her liking. Thus, another reason why I’ll always HATE DnD or medieval gods—they’re all talk and no action. They only take and leave you disappointed. Fucking selfish mfs. And I was so glad to watch Shart embrace herself even though it cost her family’s demise. Don’t get me wrong, I really liked how her fam died—it really showed the player that they actually wanted what’s best for their daughter and not some cheap “fam reunion oh no you guys are dead again” trope. She jokes like a dad, and her smile is the warmest thing in the game. She is one of the most sapphic-coded characters I’ve ever seen, and I just cannot wait to romance her with my righteous paladin. When it comes to fighting, I feel like I wasn’t able to make her much of a fighter but more of a healer. Dgmw, she saved my ass multiple times, but she also missed. A LOT. Regardless, if I was playing the game without the party limitation mode, she’d def always be in my party both because of her aid and humour and because she is the prettiest girl ever. I LOVE FEMME CHARACTERS MUAH. 💜💜💜

[lumiereandcogsworth]

CALL THE MIDWIFE!!

thank you!!!!!!!!! :) this is long bc i said many words and used gifs hehehe

favorite female character: valerie my beloved!!! i have no idea why i just love her. she’s not perfect and she’s angry and she’s brave and strong and i just love her dearly. i also have a very soft spot for sister monica joan :”) AND SISTER JULIENNE THAT IS MY MOM!!!!

favorite male character: honestly i love fred. he’s just such a good man and he loves his midwives and nuns so much sjdksj. and he loves his wife!!! and reggie!!!! oh my gosh this man just has so much love and kindness in his heart your honor

favorite season: hmmm. i do love the early seasons, with jenny and chummy and cynthia and trixie! og gang!! also watching patrick and shelagh fall in love :”) gosh. but uh maybe also season 6? that’s when valerie comes but idk i love all the season lmao

favorite episode: AH i don’t know!! this show is always on in the background when i’m home lmao. the christmas specials are always fun, especially patrick/shelagh wedding and when they go to south africa AND when they go to scotland. super fun!! also 9x06 just for the ending scene with sister monica joan’s garden in honor of st. raymond!!! THE BABIES ARE THE FLOWERS!!! literally so wholesome. the rest of that episode is very stressful actually sjdksj but that ending is SO pure my goodness. i love all these stories though i don’t have one particular episode really. this show is just always such a good mix of suspense and wholesomeness <3

favorite cast member: ah i don’t really know any of the cast members! but when i watched the 10th anniversary behind the scenes thing, judy parfitt (who plays sister monica joan) was very funny. at one point they asked what everyone wanted to take from the set and she, who is very much in her 80s, said “other than some of the young men ;) i’m good” sjdksj iconic woman.

favorite ship: well of course i love patrick/shelagh, the parents of the show hahah. i also really liked trixie and christopher!!! i was bummed when that didn’t work out :/ and barbara and tom GOSH. but!!!!! i think favorite ship might be lucille and cyril :”) i think they had the longest courtship in the show and i just loved how,, idk, realistic it was? the show is always good about being realistic on things but i just like the hesitation and the nerves and how sweet they are and yes dancing is involved WHAT ABOUT IT? anyway they’re just SO cute!!!!

character i’d die defending: yeesh! is anyone coming for anyone’s life on this show? not that i’ve seen!! i don’t have anyone specific but i do love them all so i’d prob defend any of them.

character i just can’t sympathize with: mmmm. mother mildred. she BUGS me and i know she means well but she’s just!!! pretentious sometimes!! also sister ursula >_> which i do sympathize with a bit, like i get why she’s like that, but OH my gosh she just. causes so many problems. i was very glad when she left lmao

character i grew to love: sister evangelina! she’s very tough and annoying in the beginning and that doesn’t really change but it’s kinda like, you get attached to her anyway. or at least i did. she’s like a strict aunt that loves you SO much and yells at you but she’s just yelling at you to keep warm >:0 eat food! >:0 take care of yourself!!!!! >:0 and you’re like AH OKAY THANK YOU!!! sndksj

anti otp: ugh, jimmy and jenny. i don’t know if anyone actually ships them but gosh jimmy can you just. like OKAY i get it, he’s just SOOO in love with her. but my brother in CHRIST she is not into you that way. and he doesn’t do anything bad like he respects her he just!! persists way longer than is worth it. and that part when she’s just come back from, gosh i don’t remember. someone died or something. and he comforted her for like two seconds and then said “i love you” LIKE HOMESLICE IT IS NOT THE TIME READ THE ROOM. goodness. that BOY. (i can’t find any gifs of him/them luckily, so enjoy nurse crane, who i also love very much!)

anyway thank you 😌 my beloved comfort show <3

[red-writes]

sorry for being so busy, today was the final day to turn in work and i did all i could. i passed all my exams but i don’t feel proud of myself at all. i broke down during one exam and had to stay late for a bit but i’m fine now ): um if it isn’t a problem could i just have tsukki comforting me after a terrible day, maybe watch movies, play around, make cookies and other fluffy stuff ;—; - 🍰

Hi baby :( I was wondering where you were and how things were going, I’m sorry about how you’re feeling but I want you to know you did great and I’m super proud of you and yes I’ll give you all the tsukki comfort that u need xoxo

It’s been a very bad day and things just seem to keep getting worse and you feel like you can’t make it, a small knock is at your door paired with it gently being nudged open. There he stands, two cups of warm tea in his head and a very good shoulder to cry on. The first stage of cheering you up always begins like this, he pulls you into his lap and hands you your cup and wraps an arm around you while holding his own against his thigh. The warmth from him and the tea melts off your stress as you sob and cry to him, telling him how hard it is. He listens first and then speaks when he’s sure you’re done.

“You’re doing so well, I know it’s really hard but you made it and I’m proud of you” he says, you look up at him and he’s giving you a genuine half smile that only he can. You snuggle into his chest and for a while, stay like that, eyes gently lolling closed to the sound of your heartbeat. You end up falling asleep. But once you’re awake he explains to you that he’s run a bath for you both and when you’re in there it’s full of bubbles. He allows you to give him bubble beards and mustaches and anything else silly that’ll bring a smile to your face. Your next activity is watching a movie. It’s one you like, one you always laugh at. After all, his goal is to keep you smiling. The movies end credits inspire him to play some 80’s music and just dance around to them sing the funny lyrics and giggle and fall on top of each other in a breathless heap on the couch. If you’re hungry he’ll cook for you, you can sit on the counter while you swing your feet and talk about what you want to do after dinner. He’ll feed you bits of the meal while he’s preparing it and it’ll make you and your stomach anticipate the meal. If you ask him to feed you, he will and he’ll even clean off the bits of food that get left on your face. Next is dessert. (Let’s be honest man has been preparing for this day sooo) he has the ingredients to make your favorite cookies already. You ask him to help and he agrees on the condition that you can’t eat any of the raw dough, because he doesn’t want your tummy getting upset. It’s fun and the kitchen smells nice. You help him roll the dough into little balls and set them on the cookie sheet (you sneak a few bites of dough anyway, he notices but doesn’t say anything) while you wait for the cookies to bake you’ve decided to slow dance with him. Your head resting on his chest while his is buried in your hair and you just sway slowly back and forth to the music but once you hear the over ding you’re sprinting to the kitchen and he’s telling you to be careful taking them out and that you’ll have to wait five minutes before eating them anyway. So you decide to challenge him to an arm wrestling match. You win every time (mostly because tsukki likes the lil happy face you give him) and just like that the five minutes is up and you’re devouring them, he gets some milk from the fridge and dips one in there and holds it near your mouth, you end up eating the rest like that. The night goes on like this, the two of you full off cookies and milk and your dinner, you climb back up the stairs to go to bed and before you sleep, he’s just whispering to you how everything will be okay. That you’re so strong and brave and that even though it was challenging you preserved and you’re wonderful for that.

I hope this helped ;-; if u need anything else lemme know

[chimtaera]

imagine prince jungkook.

adventure time! 

jungkook isn’t the crown prince so outside of his princely duties he can go questing! exploring! adventuring!

of course his family doesn’t really approve of his activities, but they’ve basically struck up a bargain that he’ll attend court and such without making a fuss, as long as he gets to run around when he isn’t needed.

of course he has protection with him, the court approved putting together a little adventure party, which is basically just all his best knight friends, i’m sure you can guess who.

these guys have been together most of their lives, always getting in trouble as kids, climbing what they shouldn’t be climbing, fighting what they shouldn’t be fighting, eating what they- ok you get my point.

imagine a seamstress running frantically around after jungkook before an event because he always tears his clothing somehow.

or being chased out the kitchen before a big banquet with flour in his hair.

everyone loves him though.

he’s the baby of the palace, everyone dotes on him and lets him get away with mischief, ‘cause it’s cute.

and the people down in the villages love him too.

they’re always excited to see him ride out on an adventure, or to see him coming back form a quest.

and he’s often invited in for a drink at the taverns, to tell stories from one of his quests.

and if there’s any loot he shares it, because he doesn’t actually need any of the gold and jewellery. 

boy is more likely to like, take a hedgehog he rescued with him as a pet, or like, keep a really round rock he found in a river when he stopped for water, than he is to hang onto any of the valuable stuff.

people in the tavern be like “ooh, look at all that gold.” and jungkook will be like “ok sure but guys this rock is so smooth, u gotta feel it.”

probably has separate room in the palace just for his adventure keepsakes, and he keeps it very organised and tidy.

oh and people write songs and poetry about jungkook and his brave knights’ many adventures, but the best songs are of course his own.

because, like any royal, jungkook is highly educated.

in everything from politic and war, to the arts.

and, like any good royal, he’s also a brilliant poet.

so how did you two meet? ok story time

you live in the woods somewhere far away, at the bottom of a mountain, just u and ur doggo.

you have a little cottage that’s been with your family in generations, it’s where you’ve grown up and you didn’t really know much else so you stayed. 

you travel to the nearest villages if you need something, about a day’s journey, but you’ve never felt very welcome. 

they’re not mean, it’s just- you’re an outsider, and an outsider you shall remain.

so your doggo wakes you up one morning and you’re like?? what is it

it’s clear the doggo has found something outside and desperately needs you to come see.

you’re like, did you find another baby bird that’s fallen out of its nest?? do i gotta raise a NOTHEr baby bird ?? istg

the answer is no, but also yes.

jungkook looks to be fast asleep in the moss and soft heather, he’s got a few scratches, but he’s got lovely pink nose and lips and seems quite healthy.

you gently prod him awake like, u ok my guy ?? you’re gonna catch a cold come have some tea.

he’s a little spooked at first, with his big round eyes snapping open to stare at you, rendering you a little speechless at first. 

but eventually you explain that you live here at the bottom of the mountain and that your dog just have smelled him because they woke you up to come find him.

doggo takes the opportunity to introduce themselves, you know, the way dogs do, and that’d the first time you hear jungkook giggle, and suddenly you understand what your grandma was warning you about when she said to stay away from the pretty boys.

you invite him to come warm himself in your cottage, you just put a log on the fire before going out, so it should be warming up by now.

he’s like umm uh sure

and you’re not sure why he’s so hesitant, you’re not a very intimidating figure even though you live in the woods by yourself.

but then as the two of you start making your way back to your cottage you start to realise he has some difficulty keeping up with you.

it’s dark, but you still se him grimace when you turn to look for him.

“oh no, you must be hurt!” how silly of you, why else would he be sleeping in the woods behind your house.

“ah, no it’s- i’m just, uh... yeah. okay, yes.”

turns out he’s twisted his ankle falling from his horse, and the way down the mountain in the night has only made it worse.

you help support him the rest of the way back, much to his embarrassment.

as you sit him by the fire and make tea and a little breakfast he explains that he was on his way back home from his quest when he lost his companions, and later his horse when it got spooked. 

when he finally got to the bottom of the mountain, which had taken him almost all night, he was exhausted and fell asleep as soon as he sat down to rest a little.

he seems a little embarrassed, so you tell him it’s the sort of thing that could happen to anyone, and maybe you tell him that story about how you fell down the mountain as a child and almost scared your grandmother to death, but by some miracle you survived with barely a scratch. 

anyway, he’s lucky you found him.

jungkook asks how far the nearest village is. his friends will be looking for him and perhaps he can find a horse there, or send word of his whereabouts.

you tell him it’s about a day’s walk and he’s not going anywhere on his ankle, it needs at least a few days rest, but he’s welcome to stay with you in the meanwhile.

in that case his friends will probably go back home, and gather a party to come search for him, it might take a few days.

again, he’s embarrassed but very thankful, and you find it adorable.

he is very cute actually.

like super handsome, he’s tall and seems strong, he’s so well-spoken and well-mannered he seems almost otherworldly to you, but he has a shyness to him, and a playfulness, and the way he takes everything in with his wide, enthusiastic eyes really adds to his boyish charm.

as the sun comes up you get some water so he can wash up, and help clean the scratches on his face and neck.

he’s actually?? so pretty ?? it’s very distracting, you’ve never seen anyone that looks like this and especially when he blushes wow

you think it’s just because he’s embarrassed, but in actuality it’s because you’re really close and kinda very cute and you smell so nice?? like earthy and warm and dried flowers and herbs.

you spend your day like you usually would, but with jungkook helping out where he can, like chopping wood because he can do that seated.

and it’s so nice to have his company tbh, you two talk about everything and nothing, and in the evening you make dinner, and sit by the fire in the dark.

and that’s when he starts humming.

and you’re like?? omg what is this

you’ve only ever heard your grandmother sing, or like drunk people in taverns, and you only know a handful of songs so this is new!!!

you ask him to sing for you, and he’s a little flustered but he does so gladly.

and it’s a m a z i n g omg let me tell you

imagine sitting by the fire? in a little cottage miles away from anything? cozied up with your doggo and a cup of tea? and jungkook? singing? songs about epic battles and tragic romances and awesome adventures?

you make him sing every song he knows and eventually you ask to hear some of them again, and you two sit up sooo late sharing songs and stories.

jungkook never mentions he’s a prince though.

you let him have the bed and sleep in a chair by the fire that night, although it takes a while to convince him.

another day goes by like that, and you’ve come to really enjoy his company.

you know he has to leave, but you know it’s going to be strange to be so alone again when he does, and you find yourself wishing he could stay forever.

you were never discontent with your life, but you realise you like sharing it with someone.

that night he insists you sleep in the bed, and after a little arguing you agree, but only if he'll sleep in it too.

and he’s very flustered but he agrees and you pretend you’re not flustered too.

you two sat up until late again, talking and singing, but it’s hard to fall asleep with all the butterflies in your stomach, and he smells so nice??

like, you don’t know what expensive smells like. 

but that’s what he smells like. 

just the lingering remains of exotic spices and perfumed oils.

it’s really nice to wake up next to jungkook.

like, really, really nice. 

like, your heart swells with warmth and fluff and it feels like it’s gonna burst or do a dance or something so you have to get out of bed, and only watch him sleep for a very brief minute.

at breakfast you notice that one of the scratches on his forehead looks a little inflamed, so you go out and pick some healing herbs while he chops more wood.

you’re both very quiet as you apply the paste you’ve made of the herbs to the cut.

he’s sitting in the chair, you standing over him, and watches you so closely with his shiny rounds eyes that it gets very hard to focus.

as you finish up you meet his gaze and find it impossible to pull away like you had intended to do.

without a word, like magnets, the two of you are drawn to one another and meet in a kiss.

carefully, he wraps his arms around you and scoops you into his lap, and you in turn wrap your arms around his shoulders and deepen the kiss.

and then the doggo barks.

you pull away from each other but can’t look away, just smiling shyly at one another for a moment before the dog barks again, and you decide you should probably check it out.

outside, you call the doggo and they appear through the trees, followed by jungkook’s search party.

you feel a little forlorn as they greet one another as old friends and you realise you will have to say goodbye to jungkook already. 

but you knew it would happen eventually, so you suck it up.

“are you ready to leave, your majesty?”

“your majesty?” because of course he is, i mean, look at him.

cat’s outta the bag.

jungkook realises all too late that he has to leave you too, and makes a hurried excuse that he has to fetch something inside, to get you alone.

once you’re alone he kisses you passionately and tells you in a rush that he’s a prince, that you are the most enchanting person he has ever met and that he will return to you as soon as he can, that while he is gone he leaves with heart with you.

and then he leaves.

and you don’t know this but when he comes home he writes many sonnets and sings many songs about you, and your little cottage in the woods, by the foot of the mountain.

so much so that he begins a whole new movement in literature, a genre idealising the simple life, chopping wood, gathering herbs in the woods and raising baby birds, all with the one you love, miles away from anyone or anything.

and when he comes back to see you he brings you a horse, so you can come and see him whenever you want.

[vikingsagine]

The Sacrifices I Have Made (Ivar x Reader)

I don’t know how I feel about this one. It’s darker and more dramatic and Idk if I like the way its written, but yeah. This one is a bit, weow okay, that got real....Anyways, yeahh. Ivar is sexy. Alex is an amazing actor and so fkn sexy like bruh...that’s not even fair. And I just realised, I called Ubbe, Ubba, oops.

Summary: You and Ubbe end up fighting because you discover where Ivar is and you decide to return to his side. But you also find out, Hvitserk has a big mouth...

Warnings: Okay, this is a darker chapter. RAPE. FIGHTING. BLOOD. MORE BLOOD. You have been warned. Mind you, its Vikings sooo, yeh.

(I just realized Lagertha raped King Harald, huh...)

“You can’t leave.” Ubbe demanded, his staunch figure standing in the doorway of your home. You were packing your gears, weapons, clothes, food and what was left of your coin. You knew this was going to happen but made no move to fight Ubbe. “You said you would come with me and Torvi to Iceland. You promised.” 

“I don’t have time for this Ubbe.” You avoided his eye contact, strapping the bag over your shoulder and gripped the fur coat made of animal skin. It was already winter and where you were headed was far but also dangerous. If you played your cards right and left in time, you would be fine. But for that, Ubbe had to leave you alone. 

“I can’t let you go.” Ubbe clamped his hand over your forearm, preventing your calm exit as you tried to stay civil. If things continued this way, you knew it wouldn’t end well. Both of your eyes locked, his filled with determination and yours were the same. “If you leave, Bjorn will send men to find you. He will kill you.” You ripped your arm from his and stepped back.

“Even so, I need to find Ivar and you know that.” 

“You promised you’d come with me and Torvi, you said-” 

“Yes, I promised you that. I promised I would go if Ivar’s whereabouts remained unknown. But, I know he is alive and in Russ.” Ubbe was surprised by your response, staring into the sole of your eyes like, ‘How do you know that?’ You already knew Ubbe had this information, you knew he lied to you, he kept the information locked away. After you told him that one day you would return to Ivar’s side, Ubbe didn’t take it so kindly. “Hvitserk told me. Now move.” You pushed passed Ubbe and stepped out of your house, heading towards the mountain side exit. 

“I can’t let you escape Y/N. Your position remains here.” Ubbe called from behind you, the sound of his blade grazing the ground and his breathing grew heavy. You turned around and placed your bag to the side, knowing well you wouldn’t leave here unless you’d somehow deal with the tall, blonde and blue eyed man. 

“If you want me to stay, you better plan on killing me.” You held your axe in hand and the long metal blade in the other. He chuckled lightly and took slow steps towards you. You couldn’t help but get excited and quickly darted to the male, swinging both weapons instinctively. 

“Always the first one to attack, so impatient.” He mocked. Both staring each other in the eye, weapons pushed against each other, holding your ground. Ubbe dropped his axe and swung it under your right foot, knocking you down. Before his weapon dug into your chest, you rolled to the side, swiveled on the balls of your knees and went for a strike to the rib. 

“That’s because you’re a bitch.” 

“And who is the one on their knees?” He knocked your long edged sword from your hand and you quickly jumped to your feet, taking in deep breaths. Ubbe spat on the ground, challenging you to attack once again. 

“You wish horsetail.” Ubbe stepped forward, body lunging in a long extension and went for the obvious attack to your stomach but you swatted the metal blade, kicked his side and stopped your axe just before his throat. “How many times do I have to tell you? You have to be faster than that.” Ubbe growled and batted the axe away, turning on his heel to decapitate your head but you quickly ducked. 

Your sudden decision to leave wasn’t just because you found out where Ivar was. It was because of the constant dream-like visions. You saw ice and snow. A village built tall and strong but miles and miles of white. Inside was your crippled friend, laying in bed with healthy sighs and sturdy breathing. You could tell, he needed you though he might not know it. And you made a final decision to return to his side where you belonged. You just hoped that it didn’t have to end in you spilling any more blood then there already was, not when you didn’t have to. 

“I can’t let you go. I don’t care if your fate is to be beside Ivar, I won’t let you go.” Ubbe spoke through shallow breaths and a bleeding temple. You were in no better shape. Your lip was busted and your jaw ached, if it weren’t for the bolting adrenaline the pain would have taken more effect. Both of you had no axe or sword or anything in hand, all scattered too far away to actually reach and use. Your heart was torn. Ubbe has always been there for you, he was just as much as family as Ivar was to you. And no matter how a part of you wanted to stay, leave with him to Iceland or rather ‘paradise’ and depart from this life of fighting and survival, your heart screamed to be beside Ivar once again. After everything, you still wanted him. 

“I’m sorry Ubbe. Truly, I am.” Spitting out saliva, you raised your wrist to your face and wiped away the dripping blood. “But you know very well, I don’t belong here. You have to let me go.” His hissed at the words like he had been stabbed with a knife coated in snake venom. Then without hesitation, he threw a punch to your head, you blocked and returned the favor. He tackled you to the ground and wrapped his legs around your waist from your back, while his arms suffocated your neck. He prevented movement from your legs and restricted the flow of your body, squeezing the air out of your lungs. 

“Do you have no dignity?” Ubbe whispered in your ear, grip around your body firm as steel. You tried to pry the lock of his long arms, off but it was difficult. Your lungs began to burn and blood rushed to your face. “After everything he has done to you, you go back.” Ubbe was trying to reason with you, make you see the fault in your need to return to Ivar. He knew everything and he hated how you were so tied to his little brother, how his hooks were so deep in you. He wanted you to stay by his side because you were like blood. “Hvitserk told me everything.” Something sparked within you, a newfound determination and the gears inside your head kicked in. Like wheels, they spun and whizzed, analyzing the situation in a snap of fingers. You pulled Ubbe's mane from the bottom of his hair, yanking it to the point where his grip loosened and you popped your elbow into his stomach. Ubbe reluctantly let go and you rolled yourself free to finally catch air. 

Hvitserk told me everything.

Hvitserk told me everything.

Everything.

Told me.

Everything.

~~~

“You called for me?” You entered the room with no windows, a room solid and cold but with a cripple sitting and waiting. It was odd. He usually sits in the hall where everyone can be seen and lacks privacy. Perhaps because of his win over the great heathen army it had given him paranoia. Or perhaps it was because he humiliated his older brother Ubbe. Or perhaps because Hvitserk stayed by his side. You did not know. “What is it cripple? You want to fuck?” You joked, resting your bow and arrows to the side.

“If I wanted to fuck you, I’d be better off fucking a pig.” Ivar joked and made you roll your eyes. You two had a complicated relationship. Right now, you were fuck buddies. Well, you were his fuck buddy while he was the man you were madly in love with. You couldn’t confess your feelings, since you promised him you wouldn’t fall for him. In the beginning, he specifically wanted to fuck. He said he couldn’t see himself with a woman like you. “You remember White Hair and his men?” Ivar motioned to the men at his side, eyes focused somewhere other than your form. You nodded towards them in acknowledgment.. One tall and quite big but old. The other two were young. You remembered White Hair. He fought nobly and bravely. “They have earned my trust and my allegiance.”

“Okay?” You were confused about your place here. You won the battle, great. Ivar gained new allegiances, good for him. He won the great heathen army, spectacular. But did you really need to be here? No, not really. “If you don’t have anything important to discuss with me, I will return to training your army. So please, save your boasting for your brother.” You turned on your heel and went to head back.

“You promised you’d do anything for me..” Ivar stopped you in your tracks and he gained your attention. “Do you still feel the same way?”

“Yes, of course. I don’t understand-”

“Don’t fight.” He finally pierced into your skeptical orbs, bright and blue. So beautiful. Annoyingly stunning. On the surface you appeared to be calm and collected, on the inside your heart melted at how they reminded you of jewelry. Eyes like Sapphire.

“Excuse me?” You were brought back into reality when the men suddenly took closer and predatory strolls to you. Looking at you like a piece of meat. Something they could take and claim. It pushed your buttons and immediately you drew out your sword from its scabbard, threatening them. 

“What is this Ivar? You said we could have the girl.” Something inside dropped. An overwhelming feeling that shook your bones. Not fear or anxiety. No. It was disappointment and disbelief. The older  peered over to their new leader, annoyed and growing impatient. Ivar reached for his crutch's and approached your figure, not daring to look into your eyes.

“I gave my word to these men.” Ivar touched your shoulder, eyes filled with guilt and displeasure. He did not dare to even see your reaction. He knew it would break him. He knew if he’d take another look at you, he would break the alliance. But the fire inside for his ambitions and his dream overthrew such emotions. And he straightened his back and held his gaze tight on the space in front. “Their loyalty and men for wealth and, and-”

“Me.” You finally pieced the puzzle together. It was an unfortunate truth. One that caused great pain but did not waver your fidelity. You felt a sharp pain travel to your heart, throat becoming dry as tears clouded your clear vision. “I understand.” You simply stated then threw your weapon to the side, shrugging Ivar’s hand off your shoulder in disgust. His touch still filled you with warmth and joy and swarming nerves. You weren’t disgusted in Ivar, you were disgusted in yourself. You were a strong woman. Everyone knew that and were intimidated by it. Every man that has met your path, every enemy is now cold and dead. Each one cut down and beaten bloody or slaughtered mercilessly from your hands. You were a woman of pride and no one could take that away. Or so you thought. Ivar was gone without a second word, his figure disappearing with a click of the door. He left you with sharks looking for a quick fix of your sweetness. The part of you that no one could take. You pushed the tears away, slowing the beat of your heart and wore the dutiful mask you used when committing your responsibilities. The man no older than you stepped in first, hesitant yet excited. He reached for your armor in a rush but you quickly stopped him, swatting his hands away. “I will take my armor off. That is mine.” They nodded in agreement. If they could take your virtue, the gift between your legs that you once had the choice over. You would not let them take your armour. Not like this. Fingers shaking, you stripped the tight leather of your clothes and it dropped. 

Shame.

The fighting part of you  screamed and struggled. Wanting so badly to rip their heads off. Wanting to feel the wetness and warmth of their blood. To hear their cries. Yearning for the satisfaction of their lifeless corpses. You threw the remaining material of your long shirt to the ground. Cool and fresh air hitting the miles of free skin. White Hair and his sons looked at one another, lust filled and proud. There were many men who pined to be in their position, not because you were the most beautiful but because you were an untamed bitch. A wild horse they would ravish and ride. “I will very much enjoy this.” White hair spoke loudly and pulled the strong woman to his body, squeezing and groping areas he had been dreaming of.  

Dishonor.

Tristian, the youngest of the men, had yet to lose his virginity. He is the son of White Hair. Tristian inhaled your sight, impressed by the marvelous sight of your imperfect skin. The body of a true shield-maiden. Not smooth or ragged, just the right thing. Scars and slight muscular arms and legs, but not thin like other women. He noticed you had meat in certain areas and his prick grew hard. “I can’t believe the cripple had all this to himself.” He muttered under his breath, curious hands gripping the back of your ass and slapped. His Father was already leaving his mouth wide open and wet kisses down your body, sucking harshly and biting down with force normal women would have yelped. But you remain stiff and frozen, daring not for them to hear your voice. 

Weak.

Leif, a meaty man,  older brother to Tristian. He wasn’t fond of raping women but he was very eager to fuck a girl worthy of his cock. A strong-willed woman. One like fire. He watched your face, saw the growing anger but also pain. He ogled how you remained cold and emotionless, just like how he discussed with his men. He and his friends joked once during the big feast to victory. He cupped your sex and eagerly pumped his finger, waiting for a reaction which he earned. You gasped and glared down at him. 

Betrayal.

Hvitserk stood outside the door, finding himself in an odd predicament. He tumbled upon the screams and shrieks of a woman coming from a small room. He also heard the sound of skin slapping skin, the groans of men and their vulgar language. Hvitserk was searching for his brother, wanting to know their plan to invade York and instead came across an intense sex session. With a sudden wave of curiosity, he decided to peek through the keyhole. The brown haired man was left stunned, opening his mouth wide as he saw yourself. Three men taking their share turn of fucking you. White Hair and his sons. At first he was mind blown and silently congratulated you for having fun, until he noticed the difference in your screams and the relentlessness of their thrusts. They were merciless and hard. Laughing with one another and mocked the way you were crying and begging. He was ready to knock the door down and slaughter the men for raping you like that. Of course he would, you were like family. A friend. A sister. That’s until he noticed the sword placed centimetres away from you, it was easy to grab and you could have killed the men like nothing. 

Rape.

You were left alone. Body scarred with new bruises, pride and ego taking most of the pain. They left you naked, dirty with their cum and limp. You felt like a corpse. Dead on the inside and a part of you wished it to be true. Wished that they had slaughtered you instead of taking your womanhood from you. Not only did your body burn from agony, but your sex burned like your body had been ripped apart. 

“Y/N?” You snapped your attention towards Hvitserk who stood at the door frame, looking at you with pity but also anger. You quickly pulled your naked self up and ignored the burning pain between your legs, hands aiming for your clothes. With an attempt to stand to your feet, you hissed loudly and fell. Thankfully Hvitserk caught you and wrapped you in his cloak. 

“What are you doing here? Get out!” You demanded and grew ashamed. You felt weak. You felt as if the Gods were looking down at you in such disappointment. You feared the Valkyrie would no longer take you to the gates of Valhalla. 

“Why did you let them rape you? Why did you dishonor yourself like that?” His words cut deep. Dishonor. Was it dishonorable if you did it for the sake of your people and the man you loved? You did not know and instead, pulled yourself away from Hvitserk and gripped the coat closer to your being.

“Tell Ivar the allegiance is a success and that I will not be able to train his army.” 

~~~

A shriek shrill tore through the summer morning, the birds awoke and flew far away. In the small cottage where the sound came and the women rushed, there was panic and pain. All you saw was specs of black and white, dots zooming passed like flies as every fiber of your being tore open. Another wave of pain dismissed and you relaxed for a second. Your Mother was beside you, holding your hand and ordering the frantic woman to stay calm. 

“Almost done, one more push. Just one more.” Your Mother soothed into your ear but it flew out the other. Your body felt like it was splitting in half. You rather be shot by an arrow or scorched by fire or stabbed in the stomach, not once or twice, multiple times. 

“Please, please. I can’t. I can’t.” You begged, your hair sticking to your sweaty forehead and your breath hitched again. Another wave of scorching pain taking over. You threw your head back and dung your nails into the sheets and the flesh of your Mother. “Ahhh! Fuck.” Giving the last bit of strength left, you pushed with all your might. The living thing between your legs slipping out and its sudden cry cursed your ears. Relief hit you like a bullet, dropping onto the sweaty and bloody sheet of the mattress you could finally relax. Without a second to spare, your Mother had left your side and was now cooing at the thing that was your child. The thing you dreaded all your life. Children weren’t a part of your plan. You knew having children would be a hassle because of the road you chose, the journey you had to take. But here you were, a Mother to a raped-born baby. An abomination.

“It’s a girl. A sweet little girl.” Your Mother adored the body of fat and new life in her arms, admiring such a little creature. You were very curious and had an instant need to hold the child, but you remembered Ivar. The great heathen army. The attack on Kattegat that was only moons away. Where you belonged. “Here.” Illiah, your Mother attempted to hand your child to you upon meeting your gaze but you declined.

“No, no. Get it away from me. Please.”

“Y/N, it’s your baby-”

“I don’t care, take it away. Just get it away from me. Please.” The older woman looked at you, her daughter, with sorrow and pity. Understanding your choice but also hating it. She knew your position, your dedication to a man she didn’t even know. And instead insisted that she, the baby and the nurses leave your tired figure alone. 

As soon as there was no one around, you let out a loud sob. Here you were, again, suffering. Alone and in pain. Your heart didn’t break, but it felt fragile and weak. So much that perhaps a simple poke to the chest could cause it to cave and shatter. Curling your body into the sheets, you let out a loud cry and sobbed into the pillows. 

~~~

“Hvitserk told me everything, Y/N.” Ubbe repeated once again, staring at you with those light and blue eyes. His words brought back the pain of the past. The past you were so desperately trying to escape. You leaned over and punched Ubbe in the mouth. “He told me about White Hair and your baby.”

“Shut up, just shut up.” Crying out with little too much emotion, your fist came back up and pummeled into his face. Desperately searching for something that wasn’t there. Perhaps it was forgiveness. Ubbe pushed you off of him and climbed on top of you, knocking his forehead into yours with a rush of force. But you wouldn’t let him win, instead you kneed him in the balls and pushed his body into the dirt. “You don’t understand Ubbe, you don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“My brother had you raped and made you leave your child. Why do you crawl back to him like a directionless bitch? Do you not have honor or self-dignity?” He kicked you as you came hurling onto his body, rolling over to reach for his axe. 

“And why do you care so much? I’m starting to think you might be in love with me.” You couldn’t help yourself. There was no lid to your mouth nor will there ever be. You laid on your back, eyes closed as you felt the sting of his kick. “Say, are you in love with me pretty boy. Truly I’m honored but you have a wife and a child coming alone, I don’t know how that would work.” You yelped as his figure came out of nowhere and swing his axe like a sledgehammer onto your body.

“Why do you give so many things up for my brother?” He took another thrust of his weapon. “Why do you sacrifice yourself for him when he treats you like nothing?” He was on top of you, pushing the blade into your throat as you pushed back. This is not how you were supposed to die. “Tell me!” Ubbe screamed and one last time attempted to cut into your skull. You quickly punched his throat which made him choke and crumble beside you.

“Because he is my destiny.”

 You yelled back and smashed a rock onto his head. Hard enough for him to grow unconscious and stop fighting. His head pooled with blood but you knew he wouldn’t die. After a few seconds of catching your breath, you kissed the sweet man on the cheek and whispered. 

“And because I have to kill him.”

@soleil-dor @youbloodymadgenius @cececolber @heavenly1927

[hazelevesqueen]

Some of my unpopular harry potter opinions:

Harry and hermione should've gotten together. Their chemistry and love for each other is insane. they care so much about each other and it would be such a good and healthy relationship because they know each other so well and they've been through a A LOT together.

Besides they flirt every 5 seconds since the prisoner of azkaban so..

I don't like Sirius. He's childish, immature, irresponsible, dumb (very dumb) and sometimes mean.

I have an example. In the order of the phoenix he used floo powder to talk to Harry through the fire place a few times and there was one time when he suggested that Harry Ron and Hermione would meet him in the shrieking shack. Harry said that it's too dangerous (as he should've) because he's literally wanted. Sirius said that it's fine and that they shouldn't worry about it and Harry said no way. Then, Sirius told him that he's not as similar to his dad as he thought. HIS DEAD DAD. What the hell Sirius????? I'm sorry that he doesn't want you to get caught and be returned to AZKABAN. Ugh he's so annoying.

Harry is my favorite character (of all time). He is such a good person. He is caring and modest.. This may sound ridiculous to you but he's sooo polite and sweet (not when it comes to people he dislikes obviously) and sassy at the same time. This combination is just *sheff's kiss*. He's also insanely brave and he's willing to sacrifice himself for others and.. ugh I just love him so much. I know many people don't like him and I will NEVER understand that. Harry is the best and no one can change my mind.

I don't get why so many people LOVE luna.. she's fine and I love that she's weird (weirdos are the best people - coming from a weirdo) but I think she's really overrated.. I guess I don't love her that much because i don't understand her and not because she's weird. she's just not a really people-lover kind of person lol. She's nice to people yeah, but it's not like she has a strong connection with people you know what I mean? I blame my zodiac sign on this one lmao (I'm a leo).

I like luna tho I just don't love her.

Drarry is a terrible ship. Don't start scrolling just hear me out. Maybe draco has a crush on Harry, even though to me it seems like he's just extremely jealous of him, but there is NO WAY Harry has a crush on Draco. Draco is the opposite of what Harry represents and believes in and he would never have a crush on someone who bullies him and literally everyone??? This ship doesn't make any sense to me.

If you read the last opinion you can already tell that I don't like draco. I don't think I need to explain myself lol.

Okay that's it! Please respect my opinions♡

[lovelivingmydreams]

Next thing Roman knew he was pushed into Dante who caught him and helped him regain his balance. When he looked up Virgil was on the ground tackled by none other than...

"Archibald?" Virgil gasped in disbelief as he put away the dagger he'd held at the ready not a moment ago.

The greying collie started sniffing Virgil once he realized it was not the master he had tagged. Wait... that scent... it was master fear! He hadn't smelled master fear in sooo long!

"Remus it's Archie!" Master fear exclaimed before groaning in complaint as Archie gave his master kisses. Master fear always complained about kisses. Well his own fault! Archibald had waited, and master Fear never returned. Master Roman had been sooo sad...

A loud cackling made Archie perk up.

"I can see that. He was always so clingy with you." Oh! Master Remus! Master Remus had returned too! Did master Roman know? Archie barked at master Roman just to be sure. He wasn't going to let go of master fear though. It was his duty to protect master fear. Besides, master Remus tended to play too rough. Even as a pup it had been hard to keep up.

"Hey is... is he changing?" Master fear wondered.

"Oh, well yes. He tends to age depending on how he feels. He ages a lot when I'm gone too long, but he should... wait, he's shrinking?"

So he was. Very soon Archibald was a pup once more. Protecting master fear would be harder now, but on the upside, master fear was sitting up and holding him now. This was nice.

"He must be really happy to see us then," master fear mused.

Suddenly a loud, warm wind blew over Archibalds head and he looked up.

Two other creatures were looking down at him. Archie could tell they were wise and powerful. Even if one looked like any of the horses master Roman kept in the big dog house, stables humans called it. The other... looked like everything and nothing at all.

"It's tiny and fluffy now. What other tricks can it do?" The mixed creature mused.

The horse like creature just snorted and seemed very unhappy. Archie couldn't help but retreat against master fear's chest.

"Percival? What's wrong?" Master fear asked, stroking the horse -mister percival- soothingly. He got up and put Archibald down.

Well if Percival was a friend of master fear...

Archie sat in front of the horse presenting himself for inspection. Wagging his tail proudly.

Percival sniffed at him, he sounded rather unimpressed.

"Who are you and why did you attack my person?" he wondered.

"I am Archibald the brave! I am the king's fearless guardian with special orders to protect master fear," Archie replied.

"Doubtful. His name is not fear. He is Virgil. And he is mine to protect."

Virgil? Oh! The name! Master fear... Virgil had been thinking about his name for a while before he left.

"Okay you two enough with the staring match. Percy, wanna go to the stables and try that with someone more your size?"

Percival huffed and then he was no longer a horse. He was a big black Huskador.

Reading this fellow dog's body language was a lot easier and it was clear to Archie now that he was being challenged. He rose to the occasion and changed into his prime form. Not young and clumsy, not old and fading. He was strong and fierce and this was his home! His pack! He was alpha. Everyone was welcome, but no one would keep him from his duty.

"Okay! That's it!" Master Virgil stepped in between them and turned to Percival. Archie sat down and felt his ears droop.

Suddenly someone was scratching him. "Don't wory bud. Percival is new to having family. Give him time," master Roman said soothingly.

That made Archie whine in pity. A stray? Poor Percival.

Master Virgil assured Percival that he could come allong. Just no fighting. The mixbreed agreed with a reluctant whine and got a good scratch behind his ear as a reward.

"Guys check this out!" Master Remus screeched.

Around his neck was Mell. They too had turned into a dog... sort off. They had eight paws to carry his unnaturally long body with reptilian claws, their head was closer to a cat than a dog and their tail ended in a long colorful feather. Their fur was still their usual sandy collor.

"When did you tell him to do this?" Master Virgil asked astonished. "Never! We are just made fo each other!"

"I'm so fierce!" Mell was glowing.

Archie was speechless. "Just... let them be. It makes them happy," Percy told him. Archie nodded. It didnt matter what Mel looked like he supposed. They were still part of the pack.

"Alright!" Master Roman declared with a clap of his hands. "Now that the animals have come to an understanding. A tour anyone?"

Master Virgil chuckled. "Sure Princey. Lead the way."

Roman grabbed Virgil' arm and called for his brother to follow. Archie and Percival remained but one step behind their people. Sir Dante dismissed the guard and hurried to follow the princes and his captain.

Archibald, Percival, Mel and Solaris are open for asks.

Warning! From here on out you guys can lead the story much more. I might give you options for certain characters. Ignoring characters for a while might change their behaviour. Asking questions might change the way they think about something (Virgil was originally not going to catch onto Dante's admiration quite so soon by example. Now that he has, that changes things.) Also as you can see since I gave the animals sentience you can ask them questions now too. I might change the format later on but for now it's a make your own adventure. Have fun!

next part

[suncatchr]

Heyo if u wanna talk abt ur ocs can u tell me abt the newest ones (or at least the ones that r new to me which is all of them on the last pic of ur oc post I think?) :3

omggg thank you for asking :3 this is long sorry i haven’t organised my thoughts about them yet ahjfklsa but here we go

before i can talk abt rain n evie i have to explain the universe with kes, amaya, and rio. im sure you remember them :3 but umm you said they were based on pacific rim and i don’t know anything abt pacific rim fhjlafnj sooo i made a bunch of stuff up. soooo there’s a parallel universe/alternate dimension full of people and like, monsters. the alt. universe people r testing ways to break into our dimension and open the door permanently so that both dimensions are their domain. the... city...? that the story is set in is like a capitalists’s dream, split harshly between rich and poor with no middle class. the poor faction of the city that will be named soon is the one responsible for keeping the other-dimension-ers out of our dimension, most if not all of them are responsible in some way for keeping their area safe from those tears in the ozone layer. they in return are given technology, money, and supplies from the rich faction. those guys do next to nothing, they operate like any other city where everyone has jobs and pays their dues to the government. they are very strict about who they let into the city; they don’t want outsiders to know about their dimension problem lest they stop the warriors from doing their jobs or do something to make the tear bigger etc etc. they also don’t want poor people in the city, even if they’re responsible for everyone’s safety. I’m thinking of making the story a really obvious allegory similar to older-fashioned dystopian novels like animal farm and brave new world because i’m obsessed with those in concept. so i think supporting characters will be one-dimensional caricatures of types of people in society, and only the MCs will have nuance. this also makes it easier for me to write side characters ;3

so kestrel and amaya are siblings mostly born and raised into monster-fighting. you know when there’s a factory or whatever in town that most people in that city work at? there’s one of those but it’s like... a firehouse for monster fighting. they mostly live and sleep there, they’re fed and clothed here for free so long as they fight and they’re both content with that. I’m not sure what happened to their parents yet but they’re probably dead. not everyone’s parents are dead, some people have families that they live with at the... compound, these two are just tragic and whatnot. families are encouraged to fight together in duos or trios so that loyalty makes them fight smarter and harder to protect each other. when they’re not at the compound, like if they have shifts off or whatever, they live in an abandoned subway station and steal power from the government who’s unaware that that track is unused 😌

so as far as them as individuals, i kept the planets that u based them off of :3 kestrel is based off mars and mars is the planet of action, energy, motivation, temper. kestrel is moody and temperamental, but their choices are never made without careful consideration. they’re a quick thinker and that makes them confident, so they never back down from a challenge. they have a hard time masking their emotions and it’s easy to see what’s going on in their head. they’re hard to embarrass, though, and they’re very confident in most of their assertions. they’re impatient and crabby, but they aren’t at all shy.

amaya is based off venus, so she’s more emotionally rounded than her sibling and more interested in the poetry of life. she’s very expressive and polite, and she has a thing abt maintaining her image. she’s a bit materialistic and self-centred, focused on her looks and her space, but she’s realistic in her material n sensual desires because al things considered she lives in a subway station. she knows what to expect from life, or at least she thinks she does, and is just as confident in her own assertions as kestrel. she’s stubborn and argumentative for that reason, but her confidence makes her a natural leader and people flock to her for advice and assistance. she loves this.

and adrion, based off earth, comes into their lives later. rio used to live on the rich side of town until a second dimension creature escapes the notice of the warriors (i swear they won’t actually be called “warriors” forever 😭) and destroys his part of the city. his family is alright, but the destruction makes him feel like he could do a better job than whoever’s currently there. he leaves his family to join up with the. the compound, and when asked to find a partner to fight with, chooses amaya and kestrel because they’re a top-of-their-class team who are always talking about how things could be better. at first, they don’t want him bc they’re lone wolves and they do not like to be told what to do. but he’s a tough fighter and he’s got the motivation to be good, so they let him stay on the team. as far as personality, rio is really chill and understanding, often willing to let other people’s faults slide. as long as he’s allowed to do what he wants to do, other people can have their way. he’s cheerier than the other two but he’s quieter and more in-the-background. his strong will makes him sensitive and he refuses to change his mind often because he’s quite naive and gullible, making him easy to trick and take advantage of which makes him insecure. this makes him prone to snapping when people put pressure on him.

now for rain and evie. i originally created them as prototypes for their own narrative but the story seemed really similar to my other stuff so i scrapped it BUT i thought the characters themselves worked in this story instead so i kept them :3. rain and evie are brothers who were initially raised in a fighting ring. they live on the poor side of town but they never worked for the compound. they make a living by gladiator fighting, people pay to come in and bet on them and obviously they’re paid for winning fights. rain is an extremely adept fighter and usually manages to beat opponents with brute strength. evie is smaller and less physical and usually fights by using the opponent’s strength against them. they’re simultaneously popular and unpopular in their neighbourhood as they’re like. cool for being good in the ring but they’re really weird otherwise. they’re aggressive, angry and irrational, they act like they’re always in the ring. rain is more sociable and capable than evie, who tends to be reactive and angry. he doesn’t want to be here, but rain is more content in his abilities, so he handles mostly everything so that evie doesn’t have to be responsible for anything. they end up moving on from the ring after evie takes on an opponent that rain tried to tell everyone that he could never beat. evie takes a violent blow to the head that leaves him comatose, and rain spends a huge chunk of money for a piece of technology that replaces the damaged areas of evie’s head and functions in its place. no one tells rain, though, that the thing he put in evie’s head is technology from the other dimension. after the two leave the ring, they decide to make themselves useful and fight the monsters that forced them into this life in the first place.

personality-wise, rain is a laid-back, go-with-the-flow kind of guy. he likes to let things take their course and he isn’t much concerned with proceedings outside of himself and evie. he purposefully denies himself negative emotion and usually tries to fake that everything is good all the time. despite this, he’s emotional and reactive and extremely defensive. he doesn’t like to be challenged or made unhappy and in his dream world he and evie are always just hanging out doing what they want and not having to answer to anyone. people often find him charming bc he’s able to finagle most situations into him getting his way, he’s exceptional with people but he doesn’t like them.

evie is more sullen and droopy. he almost always lets rain do all the talking and he usually appears unconcerned with most goings-on because he’s letting rain evaluate the situation. he’s usually inside his own head, daydreaming or fussing. most of his interactions with others are verbal or physical fights bc he’s unsure how to manage himself without rain around and is often willing to fight for whatever he thinks rain would want. he’s independent outside of that, doesn’t like to be told what to do or how to act. not even rain can calm him down when he’s on his soapbox because he truly believes that if he had to grow up a fighting dog he should be allowed to do whatever the fuck he wants. in downtime he’s usually a little bit more uppity than rain but still similarly laid-back and willing to act like things are okay.

the five of these characters r in the same universe and they go on missions together often, though kes and amaya don’t really get along with rain and evie because they’re all so stubborn.

next are niko and andre, who i got from sammy! we got urban fantasy going on here, and i’m thinking of setting it in like. the mid 1800-s. i’m feeling spicy. umm so i think the key thing about this universe is that “hunters” are a species of humanoid monster. this world is spinning with vampires, werewolves, faeries, demons, etc. pretending to be human in order to survive, and hunters are a mimic species that look human but just... aren’t. they have an insatiable desire to hunt and kill (used to be for food but humans make food more easily accessible), but killing humans makes them vulnerable to being found out. killing other monsters is the perfect substitute, plus humans praise them for it. they’re onto each other but they can’t make scenes in human society so they have to dance around each other to do all of their killing in secret.

andre is a hunter living in the shadow of his older sister, angel. she’s a better, more ruthless hunter than he is, with stronger instincts and a greater prey drive. she’s popular with people in town and generally just more charismatic. he really wants to be like her, but he’s klutzy and insecure and his instincts are poor cuz he overthinks them. one day he comes across niko in a bar and, perceiving him to be human bc he has 0 instincts, they get their flirt on. until niko says something that makes andre realise he’s a vampire. embarrassed and ashamed of his attraction, andre tries to turn his feeling of betrayal into murderous instinct, and he can turn that anger into his first solo kill. niko keeps chasing after andre trying to catch his non-murderous attention because he actually really likes him and doesn’t want to let what they are get in their way.

personality wise, niko is a noisy little wisecracker who likes to be popular. he’s a genuinely nice guy and is famous wherever he goes for being wise and helpful. he’s usually pretty optimistic and very charming, especially in bigger crowds where he can fit in. he can be purposefully oblivious and is very good at disguising his feelings and intentions. he’s witty and sarcastic, often masking negativity for the sake of keeping it light.

andre is a straightforward intellectual type who likes to work and create and achieve. he’s intelligent and steadfast and always strives to do his best (which is why being terrible at hunting is upsetting for him). making achievements kind of replaces his understanding of himself, and not being good at things really digs at his self-worth. he’s not much of a people person but he’s not really shy, either. he’s polite and good-natured, though his feelings are quite fragile.

next generation, same universe, next is honour (whose name HAS to be spelled with the u), journey, and solace. resident throuple. honour and solace are hunters, and journey is human. honour was raised in a big home with lots of hunters under the iron fist of like, the mean nursemaid from annie. they hunt monsters as an organised group, but its a violent institution that doesn’t believe in autonomy nor the worth of human lives. humans exist as something to blend into while they exterminate all other monsters. honour stops believing this when she gets older, mostly due to meeting journey. she assumes journey is just going to be vapid and goofy bc he’s a human, but he ends up being a really cool dude who’s just as in-depth as her and she begins to realise how terrible the lessons she was raised on are.

journey’s family were aware that they were often surrounded by monsters and as such were very protective of him and his siblings. journey never gets to go out and do things, and being stuck in the stuffy comfort of his home is not what he wants to do with his life when he knows there are monsters out there. when he and honour hit it off, they decide to run away together, deciding to shed their upbringings entirely by changing their names to the things they want most.

i set this in the 1800s JUST so that i could have honour and journey use the train to run away. not nice public transit trains, i mean they are riding the dirty rusty rails to seek a better life. they intend to ride a long time to make sure that they’re never recognised. on one of the trains they catch to head north, they come across solace, helping him onto the train as he got there a split second too late to catch it. despite his initial gratitude, solace is unpleasant to ride with. turns out he’s been on the run for most of his life and is just trying to find a place to stay where no one will care that he’s a hunter. in human-only societies hunters are known as mimics and are heavily discriminated against if you’re suspected of being one and straight up killed if you are. after living an uncomfortable life and seeing his father killed, solace decides to go from town to town until he finds a place that’s mostly hunters. when honour reveals they’re looking for the same thing, solace decides to go with them. he’s hesitant to give up his name because it was given to him by his parents, but ultimately he wants to leave that life behind and embody comfort and. yk. solace.

haven’t quite figured these three out personality-wise bc i only finished their designs and names in time for posting the art, rip

and lastly my warriors ocs! I decided to make regular fanclans as opposed to using my existing ocs in an au mostly because i didn’t wanna add in random npcs (as it were) to fill the nursery and elder’s den even tho those r important to clan life. so, i made separate ocs, they live in the arctic! summitclan in the mountains, tundraclan in the plains, and glacierclan by the. glacier. the story so far is a murder mystery, cats of all clans are being killed and going missing and no one knows why. while most warriors assume there’s a bear or fox hanging around the territories, the apprentices saw something while they were hanging out that made them decide to investigate deeper...

our mc is snowpaw, a repurposed rp oc fjdkfjld;af. he’s a summitclan cat and he’s known to be strange and standoffish. he seems cold and apathetic about almost everything and it’s hard to see what he enjoys and dislikes. his secretiveness makes it easy for him to investigate the murders, no one ever questions where snowpaw is going or what he’s doing. with his friends and family snowpaw is a little more jovial, he has very dry humour and is also always trying to help

crowpaw is a tundraclan cat. he’s stuck up and big-mouthed, very arrogant little know it all. don’t ever tell him that, though, bc he’s very sensitive and he will cry. he likes to be seen as the best at everything so he dedicates excess time to learning and is actually a very curious and adventurous cat underneath.

swiftpaw is a glacierclan cat. he’s very mature and is often rumoured to be a great deputy choice when he’s old enough. he’s calm and level-headed, a quick-thinking problem solver with a bit of a superiority complex but not one that anyone in his life would be aware of bc he’s so darn polite. the warrior code is important to him and so are rules of daily clan life that reduce conflict in any way.

teapaw is also a glacierclan cat. she, like snowpaw, is a little bit quiet and secretive, the kind of person (..?) that kinda lurks in the back of important things going on rather than offering her voice. she’s a healer’s apprentice and takes a lot of pride in being effective and efficient with all her duties. she’s curious and observant, and shes good friends with her clan’s seer, deadhawk (i split the medicine cat position into two for these clans, healers do doctor stuff, seers talk to starclan), so she tends to be up to date w what starclan says, which helps her and her friends w their mystery.

and finally, breezepaw! he’s a summitclan cat and snowpaw’s bff. he’s kinda clueless and distractable, very much a follower personality as he likes others to decide what’s important for him to do. he’s a quiet cat, but he’s not afraid to speak his mind when the time comes. kinda a goofy jokester dude, but he knows how to read a room and keep quiet when he doesn’t know what to contribute and jokes won’t help. he likes snowpaw because snowpaw’s always confident in what he’s doing and never clowns on breezepaw for not knowing wtf is going on

[jokidden]

My disgustingly long essay presented by me Part 1

After watching the Old guard, my biggest emotion was yeah this is how it should always be! And in my enthusiasm I didn’t even notice the scale of how different this movie is until I actively started to look at how it differs from other superhero/mainstream movies. In a good way. The list could be endless but in this long ass essay I will try to show some of it. (I think this is the main reason why so many lame people found the old guard shitty and wrote negative reviews.) So buckle in folks.

What should we expect normally from a movie like this:

· A strong male lead.

· Strong male characters in all the leader positions.

· Real manly men with perfect buff bodies, no weaknesses or vulnerability, cocky, kinda aggressive, having a female love interest and at least a kiss at the end of the movie.

· Females being emotional compared to the Very Brave, Emotions Are Weaknesses bros and, in a bad case, poorly developed.

· The number of ladies are extremely low.

· Females being „badasses” by beating guys up in tight clothes and heels. Also sexy bods are a must. Nice ass, good legs etc. etc.

· Women die sometimes

· Lotta white people

· Basically non-existent non-white people who are killed off most of the time and also has very little important parts much less being main characters

· Villains shown in a sympathetic light

· Ah yeah also no homosexuals. It’s all Bromance, they aren’t In Love don’t try to insert your sick fantasies here there is no proof!!! (Well it is Time To Choke On Evidence Suckers)

(Spoiler alert: None of the above applies to the Old Guard).

Everything else is under the cut. It's long. And there is more.

Now let’s look at THIS movie:

The two main characters are ladies, one being a (breathtakingly beautiful *heart eyes*) black woman. Team leader: Andy (a woman), she is respected, her team follows her into hell and back and while they don’t question her ability to lead, they do tell her when she is in the wrong (like with Nile). They are both very well thought out characters and very badass without the tight clothes and high heels and mainstream sexy bods.

Okay so let’s talk about Andy. As I stated above she is the team leader, main character, possessing all the ”””manly””””” characteristics. Trying to hide her vulnerability? (Even though she is literally the most vulnerable in the movie, cus, you know, she can die) Check. Not wanting to show weakness? Check. Beats shit up? Check. Aggressive? I mean, yeah. Killing guys with guns and with a double edge axe thingy all ruthless? Check and check. Plus, she also swears because it’s okay for women to swear too. But we still see her cry one little tear when she learns Booker’s reasoning, her trembling lips when she says goodbye to Booker, although she is faces away. She isn’t emotionless she just doesn’t like to show it.

Nile? Also main character. A SOLDIER!! There are women soldiers here guys. She also seems to be the leader among her little women soldier group I think, but maybe I’m wrong, not sure here. So then she dies. (But not really). Loses all her friends and her family. Gets kidnapped by a crazy lady who SHOOTS her when she doesn’t cooperate. And what she does? Fights this like hell, stabbing the crazy lady, trying to beat her up in her frustration and anger. (Can I just point out that she doesn’t freak out when she sees Bookers insides? I would have def vomited and fainted in her stead.) She should be freaking out, trying to leave because What The Hell, but instead she just sucks it up and saves everyone. She doesn’t like to show weakness all that much either, puts up this brave front instead. Also, cool clothes and hair.

The scientist woman. (Another leader position!!) I love her okay. She is the mad scientist kind, hurting, basically torturing human beings in the name of science, because „we could do so much good!” but I think she’s just enjoying seeing them heal after everything she does. Because remarkable. She also has zero „emotional” moments, she doesn’t go oh no poor things what am I doing this is so wrong!! I must help them instead!! Yeah, no. She doesn’t care. People suffering under her hands? Not impressed, but look, they are healing! Mad men do this all the time. Women doctors? Compassionate and kind. Well, not her. Plus she is the only women who could die, seeing that movies like to kill women all the time, but I don’t think she did. I mean, yeah, she fought with Nile and Nile could have killed her, but I think she just knocked her out. She was only unconscious, but that’s what saved her from being shot in the head.

The other two soldier lady are also awesome and even though they are side characters still have a distinct personality. (One of them has a shaved head!! And she is So Pretty. The two has no connection whatsoever I’m just gently horny.)

Now onto the men!

Let’s start with the team. 3 man 2 women, which later becomes 2 and 2 instead of whatever number of men and one woman. None of them is the stereotypical manly men here. No buff and perfect bodies which is such a heavenly goodness. Sooo good to see. They look like people who fight all the time and it keeps them in shape and that’s that.

So. Emotions. They aren’t showed as weakness. No, they are actually showed in a good light, because it is love, it is caring for each other, it is anger when someone hurts your loved ones, it’s being vulnerable and still fell safe. In the van scene Joe’s reaction definitely falls into the too emotional, unnecessarily dramatic box, but that’s STILL not a bad thing. That’s just who he is and that’s okay. Guys can cry while saying I love you in a 1000000 words long poem they just thought up on the spot and then be kissed for it.

[summernightskyy]

My Top The 100 Men

So, @nomattertheoceans​ tagged me to post about my Top 5 The 100 Women, and while I was doing that, I got curious about who her Top 5 The 100 Men are (I’m almost positive I know at least one person who would be on her list, and I think he might even be number 1 haha). So I decided to do my own and then tag her in this! This was very hard, but in a different way from the women for me. I knew who my number one was, no doubt. But #2-5? I love every character on this list a lot, so really almost everyone else is tied for second place hehe.

1. Bellamy Blake

Oh Bellamy. My journey with him has been a long one. I started out the series nearly hating him, but then as we got to see the motivation behind his actions, I started to not only understand the character, but love him. Now, he’s one of my favorite characters across all media - potentially even my absolute favorite male character of all time. He’s an extremely nuanced character, and I love getting to see different sides of him. I love getting to see a lead male character express emotion the way he does (and not just anger); I love seeing a male lead get to cry, and not be portrayed as weak I think we need that more on TV and in movies. I grieve for the childhood both of the Blake siblings had, and I’m so proud of them (is it weird to say I’m proud of a fictional character?) for turning out the way they have. Bellamy, who was burdened with so much at such a young age, who probably never thought he would get to have a life outside of Aurora and Octavia, for fear of Octavia getting discovered. Octavia, who knew nobody outside of her brother and mother for what, like 15 years? Who probably thought she’d never get to have a life of her own either? (Ugh, I get so annoyed when I start thinking a little too much about Aurora and the decisions she made. She doomed both her children. I don’t know how she thought either of them, especially Octavia, would ever have normal fulfilling lives. If Octavia hadn’t been sent to the ground, they wouldn’t have.) Yeah, they’ve both lost their way at times, but I LOVE the Blakes (especially the eldest one haha). Season 7 has been pretty good so far, but I somehow became even more aware of just how much Bellamy (and B.ob, because he’s an amazing actor and portrays Bellamy so well B.ob antis DNI!!!! Regardless of what anyone thinks about him as a person, I think he’s a great actor) brings to the show for me with his extremely limited presence so far this season. I really enjoyed 7x11, even if it ended up with my boy being brainwashed. I stood by him even after he wrongfully and stupidly participated in the grounder army massacre, and I’m sure as heck gonna stand by him now too. @clarkegriffinlovebot​ said they would watch Bellamy Blake watch paint dry for 45 minutes, and I totally agree. (Is it weird that I’m tagging you? I don’t know you and I’ve never interacted with you past liking that post, but I wanted to give you credit haha) The show is just so much better for me when this adorable mythology and history nerd is in it.

2. Nathan Miller

Onto number 2! I chose Miller because although we *unfortunately* haven’t seen much of him or delve into his character that much, I’ve loved all the little bits we’ve gotten to see. He’s just so sassy and snarky, and I love it, in addition to him being loyal (sometimes to a fault) and trustworthy (lmao, that’s funny considering he’s a thief - but I don’t know, in my eyes he’s trustworthy when it counts 😂). I love him, and him hating all the planets they’ve been to is so, so relatable. I would be just entirely done and tired as well. I also really enjoy Millamy and Millarke as brotps (although I don’t think I’d mind if Millamy was a romantic ship haha). There’s quite a few things I would change about this show, but two of the things highest on that list would be 1) making Jarod Joseph part of the main cast so we could properly explore Miller as a character and give him his own full story line(s) and 2) making Miller x Monty canon, even if it was just for a little bit! Marper was cute, and Mackson is alright, but I think these two would have been cuter, and I’m so salty the show didn’t go down that route, especially since both Jarod and Christoper Larkin seemed to be on board.

Also, I really need to learn how to make my own gifs, because I was really hoping to find one with Miller saying “In other words, get the flock out of here!” I actually died during that moment. Maybe someone did make one, but if they did, I didn’t see it. That’s fine, though. I needed motivation to start trying anyways, because its something I’ve always wanted to do.

3. Gabriel Santiago

Everyone else on this list has been on the show since season 1, and I definitely didn’t expect to love a character who was introduced in the penultimate season as much as I love Gabriel. At the end of season 6, I was really hoping they’d keep Gabriel around, so I was super happy to hear they were going to, and I haven’t been disappointed. I love how he literally seems to thirst for knowledge. (I clearly have a thing for attractive, nerdy guys, okay?) I also find it incredibly brave that he pushed so hard for the Primes to stop what they were doing, because he had to know that all of them, including the love of his life, would turn on him. It was obvious that Ryker wasn’t fully okay with what was happening either, but he didn’t do what Gabriel did and fully renounce the practice. He clearly has a pretty strong moral compass, even if he was lead astray from it for awhile. I also really liked seeing him bond with Echo, Hope and Orlando. He’s smart, hot as hell, subtly funny, and not afraid to do what’s right even if that’s gonna end up making the people he cares about mad at him. 

4. Monty Green

Monty has been one of my favorites from the jump, and I miss him so much. He’s just so adorable and kind, and literally one of the best people on this show. He suffered through and lost so much, and I wish we could have had more focus on him dealing with those traumas. I hate that we never really got to see how he dealt with what happened at Mount Weather. The focus tends to be mostly on Clarke and Bellamy, but even then mostly Clarke. I think it’s easy to forget that while, yes, they pulled the lever, Monty made pulling that lever possible so he could save his friends. We also don’t really get to see much about him dealing with the trauma of having to kill his own mother, and even Jasper’s suicide was relatively swept under the rug. I mentioned earlier that there’s quite a few things I would change about this show, and when it comes to Monty, I wish we could have seen him process these events and heal. I also think credit for saving the day tends to go to Bellamy, Clarke, Octavia and Raven - but Monty has been instrumental in many instances. Those five, in my opinion make up the core five characters of the show, and honestly, the show hasn’t been the same without Monty. I love Jordan, he’s adorable and genuinely good just like his dad (and mom) but Monty’s part of the soul of the show to me. Also, how cute is it that Monty taught Jordan Korean?!? (I really think Jordan might be onto something about Cadogan and the Disciples interpreting the text incorrectly - so look at that, Monty might indirectly save the day again)

Also, shout out to @thelovelylights​ for making this gif - it’s one of my favorite moments of Monty, I’ve been following her for a long time, and her blog is amazing.

5. John Murphy

Honestly, I didn’t realize just how much I’d come to like and care about Murphy as a character until this season. I’ve been sooo stressed out watching every single episode he’s been in, worrying that he would end up dying. I’m a sucker for well depicted character growth / redemption arcs, (I mean lol, there’s a reason that some of my favorite characters include Bellamy Blake, Zuko, and Jaime Lannister), and Murphy’s had a great one. He was such a dick in season 1 who, unlike Bellamy - who clearly cared about Octavia at least, really seemed not to care about anyone but himself. It’s been so amazing to see him grow into the person he is now; a person who cares so much about the lives of random people, who was genuinely scared when he realized Madi was in danger, who reassured to her that she was safe and helped calm her down. I really hope the theories about a Memori baby end up becoming canon, because Memori has grown sooo much over the course of this series and they would be absolutely amazing parents.

Honorable mention: Lincoln Kom Trikru

Lincoln was just such a great character. I miss him so much 😭

Tagging @nomattertheoceans​ and anyone else who sees this and wants to do this!! 

[alwaysahiccupandastrid]

the only reason you like hiccstrid is probably because “uwu hiccup is sooo hot”, because they’re straight and white, and because you (like most hiccstrid fans) don’t care about astrid, you just want a self insert/girlfriend for your precious hero

Ooh boy, here we go.

I don’t know why you get that impression about me in particular because I haven’t posted much about HTTYD in a while (and most recently when I have, it’s been reblogging other people’s content), but I can honestly say that’s not true. Like at all.

I’ve written posts in the past about why I love Hiccstrid and why I think their relationship works in regards to the series, including their development in the movies and TV show, one of which can be found HERE. Ultimately though, it’s a cute ship and I love BOTH Hiccup and Astrid as a couple AND as individual characters for various reasons. The post I linked also includes quotes from the cast and crew, including America Ferrera who was Astrid’s voice in the movies and tv shows.

I frankly don’t even know where to start with your claims. I don’t find Hiccup “hot”? He’s cute in a dorky kind of way, but I don’t view him as “hot” - we saw him and the other riders grow from kids to adults in the series, so for me I can’t really view any of them as “hot”. It feels almost like you’re growing up with them when you watch the movies/shows, at least to me it did (and I only joined the fandom a year and a half ago), and I personally just can’t view any of them as “hot”. In regards to Hiccup, I like him as a character because he’s relatable, dorky, brave, a hero, disabled representation etc. There’s literally thousands of reasons I love Hiccup and his character, I could seriously make a dozen posts about why I think he’s an amazing character, and listing them all could take hours.

I don’t know where you got the idea that I view Astrid solely as a love interest but I can honestly tell you that you’re very mistaken. I love Astrid so much as a character, as she is as an individual, and it has nothing to do with her relationship with Hiccup. When I think of Astrid Hofferson, I think of the brave warrior who trained her whole life to prove herself, to become one of Berk’s best warriors and shield-maidens. I think of Astrid risking her own life time after time to save her friends and countless dragons. I think especially of Astrid and her beautiful bond with Stormfly, her good girl; I think of Astrid and Stormfly being a formidable team with a strong love for one another, of Astrid taking an arrow to the leg so Stormfly wouldn’t be poisoned, of Astrid not stopping whenever Stormfly was captured until she had freed her good girl, of Astrid intentionally punching a Slitherwing to poison herself so that it would be on her fist and could be used to save Stormfly’s life when she thought she was dying. I think of Astrid being brave, competitive, confident, intelligent, fierce, loyal, driven, dedicated, strong, and so many other things. Her friendship-to-relationship with Hiccup is wonderful, but I love her as her own character, as an individual, and I think she’s an amazing example of a strong female character for girls and young women to look up to.

As a feminist myself (not a radical one though), I feel that female characters and how they’re represented is incredibly important, especially in films that are viewed by younger and more impressionable audiences. I myself feel that I’m the person I am today because of a multitude of female characters I grew up watching and loving - Hermione Granger from Harry Potter, Jessie the Cowgirl from Toy Story, Belle from Beauty and the Beast, Susan and Lucy from the Narnia series, Lisa from The Simpsons, Mallory from The Spiderwick Chronicles, Lyra Belacqua from His Dark Materials. These were characters I saw and aspired to be from the age of four to my teenage years, and they were all incredible examples for girls to look up to in different ways.

As for the “you only like straight white couples” remark, that’s so false for obvious reasons. If you look through my blog, you’ll see that I ship a multitude of M/M and F/F couples: Richie/Eddie (IT), Kurt/Blaine (Glee), Grindelwald/Dumbledore (Fantastic Beasts), Syd/Dina (IANOWT), Santana/Brittany (Glee), Ellie/Dina (The Last of Us), Violet/Clementine (The Walking Dead), Queenie/Vinda (Fantastic Beasts - no, not canon unfortunately but I still ship it hard), Rachel/Chloe (Life is Strange)... That’s just naming the first several that immediately come to mind. As a part of the community myself, I wish there was more representation than there currently is, and that the representation we do get is not minor, badly written or just to serve as a secondary pairing to a heterosexual couple.

As someone who is white, I admit that I am incredibly privileged in that I have always been represented in the media. I really do wish there were more non-white characters in movie and television because there’s not nearly enough right now, especially from major companies/studios. Perhaps that’s why there’s admittedly few non-white characters mentioned in my list above - because I don’t watch a lot of TV, the movies I watch don’t have that representation, and there isn’t enough representation anyway. But within the couples I’ve just mentioned, a few aren’t white: Dina from “I Am Not Okay With This” is black, Santana from “Glee” is Latina, Clementine from “Telltale’s The Walking Dead” was described by one of Telltale’s staff as “African-American”, and Dina from “The Last of Us 2” isn’t white either - she’s described as Jewish-American, and modeled after an actress called Cascina Caradonna, who is not white (she apparently has Italian ancestry).

So I’m sorry, anon, but I’m afraid I’ll have to disagree with you on this one.

[bold-lettered-blog]

#17

things i imagined

kyungsoo/sehun, pg-13, 8000+ words

sehun is really proud of having more than two lines (and kyungsoo is too)

(sorting through my old computer, i found this gem i started way back in 2015, after the promotions of ‘love me right’. i don’t write fics anymore, which is kind of sad and somehow inevitable given the very different life i’m living right now, but it was so heartwarming to reminisce about all the beautiful times i spent loving sesoo and writing and this fandom... i thought i’d share it with you. so here it goes, in all it’s raw, unfinished, un-proof read glory, a draft from something that could have been a whole novel. at the end, there’s a long note i wrote to myself how the story would turn out)

The manager hyungs tell him the exact same thing that Baekhyun's been saying all along. "I feel it, I feel it sooo deep in my heart that you're going to slay the next comeback. You're going to have more than two lines, you'll see," is what Baekhyun said, but it left Sehun feeling nothing else but a bitter aftertaste in his mouth. He is perfectly aware of his incapabilities of singing, and he has so much to improve both dancing and rapping wise, he knows that, yet the cold fact that he has pretty much nothing to work with makes him grim and gloomy.

That is why, on a sunny Thursday morning, when all the members are gathered in one of the practice rooms with Jongin dancing to himself in one of the corners, he lacks the feeling of any kind of excitement. The lyrics are about to be handed to them - some of the parts he's heard, mostly Yixing's, when he was singing in the shower, but he has no idea what's about to come right to him. Maybe Baekhyun's right, and he's going to have more than 6 seconds to prove his talent, but that seems too beautiful to be true. God, Sehun, get yourself together, he thinks. Jongdae pokes him in the waist then, staring into his soul like he's looking at his only child. Oh, Sehun often forgets that his face is like a mirror to anything that's going on in his head.

"Why so down?" Jongdae says to him, his frizzly poodle hair crowning his head almost perfectly. Sehun sometimes feels jealous, because Jongdae is one of the very best vocalists in SM, even if he's not as smooth as Kyungsoo.

Kyungsoo. Well, if Sehun could be anyone for a day he sure would be Kyungsoo, Kyungsoo the brave, the manly, the one with the silky voice. He would sing like an angel and more. He would be smiley, and nice, and very delicate and soft. Because – and Kyungsoo would hit him if he heard that – this is what Kyungsoo is. And Sehun wants that, even if just a little bit, to feel that kind of power in his voice, to feel small and cute and down to earth at the same time. 

Sometimes Sehun forgets Kyungsoo is human. He is, after all, but Sehun likes to think that Kyungsoo is an alien, because only an alien could be so inhumanly impeccable all the time.

Chanyeol would oppose to that, surely, but Chanyeol is not someone Kyungsoo would want near 24/7. Who Kyungsoo wants near is Jongin, and Minseok, and Joonmyeon. He wants near Jongdae and Yixing and sometimes Baekhyun and very rarely Chanyeol. But he does not want Sehun, and the thought cuts down right to his core where it hurts the most to leave him bleeding out all cold and lonely. 

I'm horrible, Sehun thinks, to view hyung's distance that way when obviously he has reasons, but Sehun can't help himself. Can't help himself now when Tao is gone to LA and Lu Han is in China. The distance is too much, yet feels nowhere as far as Kyungsoo is to him.

"And Sehun," the manager says, and Sehun snaps out of his reverie. He takes his paper and bows. From the corner of his eyes he sees Kyungsoo smiling, bright, but it's not aimed at Sehun. Never at him.

Baekhyun was right - as much as Sehun didn't believe it, he got a whole of two more lines to work with, and Chanyeol comes up congratulating him grinning, patting the small of his back.

"You've worked hard for this," Baekhyun says, and Sehun feels grateful, and strong, and invincible. Almost like Kyungsoo.

Jongin laughs at him, then, saying he needs to improve his english even more, but Sehun pays no attention to him. All he cares about is the plus two lines he got and this brilliant opportunity to show himself and everyone else how great he actually is.

After practice and reading through the lines to the new song and mini album, 'Love Me Right', Sehun stays back at the washroom. He dismisses Junmyeon with a slight wave of the hand when Junmyeon tries to coerce him back to the dorms.

"I'm good hyung, don't worry," Sehun says to him when Junmyeon looks too adamant about staying in with him. "Just need a bit of fresh air."

"Alright," Junmyeon says hesitantly and slowly turns to leave. His face is all soft lines and little curves. He is beautiful and sings just right, and-- god, there it goes again, the awful feeling of not being enough screwing a hole right to the middle of Sehun's heart.

There are times that you feel not quite comfortable in your body, Sehun knows, and he's been through those days, months, even years, but still, the defeating sense of being worthless stings five times more than anything. Being worthless means being unwanted, and even though Sehun is familiar with the feeling, he hasn't been exposed to that kind of emotion in a long time. 

It hurts. There is no physical pain, but it hurts just as much as having your throat cut right open. It itches. Lingers. Then you bleed out. 

I'm pathetic – is what he thinks next. The water from the faucet has been running for a good ten minutes now. He sinks his hands under it, watches the drops falling apart somewhere between his knuckles. It's akin to the way he feels his own heart breaking right now. 

He hears the door clicking open, and someone steps in. Sehun almost spins around to say something not so very nice, but when he registers Kyungsoo standing by the entrance, his back plastered to the closed door, he looses all his words. 

Looking at Kyungsoo now is almost as bad as having his heart laying around in tiny little pieces. Kyungsoo the brave, the great, the smooth voiced, the awesome. He really is awesome, and also so far away. It makes Sehun feel a hundred times worse.

He splashes his face with cold water, his fingertips going numb pretty fast. Oh, how he wishes his feelings could go numb just as simple as that. He turns off the faucet, stares at himself in the mirror. Kyungsoo is still there, with his back to the door. He hasn't moved an inch. It makes Sehun feel bad for him, because Sehun hasn't been particularly nice. He turns to say something, something cheerful, something that would make him feel empty inside, like, "I'm alright. I was just feeling hot," or, "I'm feeling okay." All of them would be a lie.

"I'm proud of you, Sehun-ah."

Kyungsoo says that. Just when Sehun thinks about a truth to tell that would not be as judging or hurting, Kyungsoo simply says that. Smoothly. Sincerely. Like he has his whole heart behind it.

"There is no need to pity me, hyung," Sehun says, and it's true, although it doesn't entirely feels right on the tounge. Sehun isn't the type to make a big fuss, he's just loud and sometimes overhyped and childish, but he's never the one to start a fight. The simple thought of having a quarrel with someone makes him nauseous throughout his body.

"Why would I pity you," Kyungsoo takes a step forward. There is only about a meter between them but it feels like a whole ocean. "When you are so talented? I only pity your limited opportunities."

Sehun goes quiet after that, just stares at the little bow above Kyungsoo's lips. He has a pretty mouth, and a pretty voice, with a pretty face. A pretty, petite body. Nice muscles. Sehun has none of that, and something self-destructive tries to tentatively climb its way up his throat. Sehun tones it down with a shallow smile, but the way Kyungsoo leans towards him indicates that Sehun doesn't have to hide anything from him. 

He doesn't realise how long they stand there, wordlessly, Kyungsoo boring holes into his soul with his eyes. Sehun would feel self-conscious if it wasn't for the fact that he's practically empty inside.

"Um, alright," Sehun speaks up after what feels like an eternity. He starts for the door, to where Kyungsoo is standing. His back isn't pushed against the frame anymore, but Sehun still senses his presence there when he goes to click the door open. "Let's go back to the dorm."

Kyungsoo just stands there, staring at him. Sehun stills his hand on the doorknob. Kyungsoo looks majestic, even while shifting his weight from one leg to another. The eeriness of Kyungsoo's being makes him kind of calm, but doesn't fill in the empty cracks in his soul. 

Sehun then suddenly realises; this is the way Kyungsoo gives comfort. Sehun knows Kyungsoo isn't really good with words, because he has his feelings too complicated to say out loud. Kyungsoo shows affection with body language and slight brushes on the arm, the fingers, the knees. Kyungsoo is good at praising but never comforting. Kyungsoo is not an alien. Kyungsoo is a boy with dark eyebrows and a rich dip above his lips that Sehun will never have.

Kyungsoo reaches out to him. The moment his hand spills out wide on Sehun's back is the moment when the empty space inside him slowly starts to fuel up with untamed longing, the kind that you cannot foresee or outrun. It's just a feeling there, at the back of your heart, pulsing all vibrant and bright until it dies out in your throat. 

Sehun reminds himself it's Kyungsoo. His bandmate. Ex-roommate. Brother. Friend. Someone Sehun could never... 

He doesn't finish the thought. He doesn't dare to. Instead, he shies away from the touch. 

Kyungsoo isn't taken aback. Kyungsoo doesn't usually have his reactions excessive - he is always collected, meanwhile Sehun is falling apart. 

"Okay," Kyungsoo says, waits until Sehun opens the door and emerges. As Sehun watches him walking afore, the longing kicks back with full force. 

When did he become so infatuated? Kyungsoo has been there with him pretty much from the very beginning, the trainee days when Sehun was almost the same height as him, when they were still little kids with only dreams in their pockets. Kyungsoo knows every aspect of him, but Sehun doesn't know half of Kyungsoo's heart. How did Kyungsoo make him so defenseless? 

Maybe he was whipped from the start. Maybe it was when Kyungsoo walked in with his arms fasted close to his side, glasses high up on his nose. Maybe it was years later, around debut, when Kyungsoo first let Sehun really into the hall of his heart, but never opened more rooms for him. Or maybe, just maybe – it was the way Kyungsoo's hands stilled over his back mere fifteen minutes ago.

---

Sleep doesn't come easy that evening. He still remembers the warmth of Kyungsoo's palm on his back, the longing that the touch awoke - the fact that this simple genuine act of kindness affects him so much keeps him twisting and turning throughout the night. 

Junmyeon is fast asleep on the other side of the room. There is not much light, only a faint blue ray of moon shines in through the cracks of the blinds and paints Junmyeon's hair grey on end. Sehun takes the image in, thinks, if Junmyeon were to stay with him in the washroom, would have he felt the same longing that washed over him without warning? Would Junmyeon's touch on his back make him feel not as empty as much? 

Maybe it's just about his attachment to his hyungs – after all, they've been through so much, ups and downs, awards, tears, angriness – that he feels this connected. They are close. All of them.

So why does a touch of Kyungsoo make him this needy? Years ago, this touch would have meant nothing – or, at least, nothing that it means now. It would mean "I'm here for you", or, "There's no need to be sad". It wouldn't mean "I want you so much".

He shivers at that thought. He doesn't really want Kyungsoo, does he? Yes, Kyungsoo is small, and kind, and soft, but Kyungsoo is Kyungsoo. Kyungsoo is his bandmate. Ex-roommate. Brother. Friend. Someone Sehun could never... 

There's this thought again, scratching the back of his mind all tireless. It leaves Sehun unarmed and a sudden tiredness washes over him, the weight of the world pressing his eyelids closed. These confusing feelings are draining him of energy and if he doesn't sleep now, yesterday's dance practice will hurt like hell. 

He wills himself to sleep at half past three, staring at Junmyeon's hair painted all various greys. 

---

Promotions for Love Me Right are cut short - it's mostly because of individual schedules and the remaining stops of their Asian concert tour. Sehun doesn't really have anything to do - one photoshoot here, an other there, but mainly, there's nothing in his line up.

"They ain't no giving you schedules because they don't want to," Jongdae says to him one particular night out with the beagle-line. "It's because the company has a lot of controversies going on."

Sehun rolls his eyes at that. He wishes Jongdae could stop defending this shitty regime SM built up. He doesn't tell him how SM cut short Super Junior's promotions as well, doesn't argue him about f(x) being neglected, or SHINee unpaid, even though he would like to oppose. 

Jongdae is not the right person to have a quarrell with. He is bold and loud, words sprouting out his mouth like fire yet inside he's mellow and delicate. It's all contradictions; Jongdae sees only good, but his words are sharp, even if his heart is made out of butterflies and fine china.

"Um, let's not talk about this," Baekhyun says, but Sehun has enough of not communicating about their problems. This is the exact thing that happened when Kris, then Lu Han and Tao left, it's the same thing that is happening now. Sehun has enough of not talking. He wants to, but doesn't quite know how when all his members want to talk about is patbingsu, and the thought eats him away. He's long lost his appetite, but Chanyeol is still shoving fat dumplings down his throat.

By the time the patbingsu arrives, Sehun collects his courage enough to say, "I think we need to speak more often. About... Our... Problems."

He feels three pairs of eyes boring holes right into him, but doesn't dare to look up. He knows what they'll look like anyways; having their mouth open, paralysed, a dumb expression gracing all of their faces. Sehun knows talking isn't one of his characteristics per se, but there are things that need to be said. Even if it hurts. 

He wonders if Kyungsoo felt exactly like this, the other day back in the washroom when he had his narrow little back pushed against the door. He wonders if Kyungsoo struggled to say those words out, just like Sehun was struggling right now, if he had the same whirlwind of thoughts creeping to the back of his head. He wonders if it's anything more than it already is; if it was something Kyungsoo had on his mind all day long, and the thought spreads a warm tingling sensation throughout his chest. 

"Well... Let's talk then," Jongdae says. He has ice cream running down his chin, and for a split moment Sehun wants to reach out and wipe it away, wants to see if touching Jongdae feels the same as swiping a hand down Kyungsoo's arm.

"Yeah, let's talk," says Chanyeol, nodding, "It's true we haven't really had a conversation about... things."

Sehun tries to speak, tries to say something relevant, something meaningful, but every jumbled word of his gets stuck halfway between two mouthfuls of shaved ice. This is an opportunity to open up, as if he wasn't open enough, and now, goddamn, there's no sound coming out of his mouth. He thinks, why am I being like this, when he was the one to start up this conversation and they could talk for real this time, and, god, there is nothing he can say.

Baekhyun notices he's struggling. Baekhyun, on regular, notices a lot of things; he's observing, everything and everyone to the point where he realises individual gestures of feelings. He especially notices Sehun, lately, and it makes Sehun feel safe, like he has someone to lean on when the day is hard and heavy, the two of them sitting quietly at the back of the van, not really talking but still, Baekhyun's caresses are speaking to him. A light stroke on the hand means, "you are not alone," and two fingers circulating Sehun's wrist says, "you can tell me anything". Baekhyun can communicate well with both words and body, and that is something Sehun lacks. Too. Sehun lacks a lot of things. A strange feeling floods him all blue to his toes and he shoves the patbingsu away.

"Sehun-ah, we know it's been hard on you," Baekhyun says then, not looking at Sehun but watching his abandoned patbingsu instead. "The other members leaving does not mean we will leave you too."

Damn, Baekhyun observed Sehun too much. The cold truth of his feelings being said out loud by somebody else feels like a rock hard punch to the stomach. His hands are shaking, so he hides them under the table, never really looking Baekhyun in the eye.

"Is that why you're so down lately, Sehun-ah? I noticed you shying away the other day after practice. We're here for you, you know?" Jongdae says. His voice is smooth and rich like honey. It's another punch right to Sehun's core.

"Yes," Sehun says. He could tell them about Kyungsoo, and Kyungsoo's hand, and his narrow petite back, but chooses not to. They do not need to know that. 

"Don't be sad, Sehun-ah. Smile instead," is all Chanyeol says. It's unlikely of him, to talk this little, but Sehun knows the three ex-members leaving has made all of them sad in different ways. 

"I'm not sad anymore," says Sehun, and for the first time that night, he smiles. It's a real smile, and it comes forceless and easy, even though the feeling of blue still stings at his sides.

The car ride back is happy, Baekhyun and Jongdae singing along to crappy songs on the radio and Chanyeol beatboxing for them, but inside the dorm, locked in his room, Sehun cannot find his peace.

Sehun catches himself wondering too much lately – wondering about his worth, abilities, opportunities, chances he had missed, chances he had taken. Thinks about the times when training for being a part of an SM boyband was enough for him, when feeling like he belongs was his only desire. Remembers the the long afternoons spent in various practice rooms with boys just like him, scrawny kids who haven’t grown into their own skin yet, didn’t even know how to. All they knew was what they wanted – being stars, dancers, singers, maybe a bit of all three. But did they know what they needed? 

Junmyeon groans in his sleep across the room. Sehun looks in his general direction, but doesn’t see much – just stares into black nothingness, but imagines Junmyeon fast asleep with his knees drawn close to his chest, his hair crowning his head like a halo on his five hundred thousand won pillow. Wonders if sleep came to Junmyeon easy this night, if he dreams in colour, about things he wants to do, about things he loves. 

Wonders if Kyungsoo wonders as much as he does on sleepless nights when his bones and muscles are dense from too much dancing, stomach too full from after-practice dinner. Wonders, what if Kyungsoo is only nice to him out of pity, even though he said he doesn’t pity him; what if Kyungsoo is not particularly kind just to him, if he’s nice to anyone else, anyone other than Sehun, only he didn’t notice it, and the thought itself sends an ugly, deep, coiling feeling to his guts. He turns, away from Joonmyeon’s direction, stares at the plain greyness of the cold wall.

When he finally falls asleep, there’s a strange sense of guilt etched under his skin. It still stings in the morning.

---

The filming of Pure Love begins in June, summer heat too scolding hot to bear. Kyungsoo goes swinging between their concert tour and shooting, with very limited time on his hands to spend some quality “alone-ness” in the dorm. The absence of Kyungsoo’s being makes Sehun put his head under cold water, seeking a kind of strange comfort in anything he can find; an evening out with Jongdae, an afternoon spent with Jongin and his dogs, a brunch shared with Joonmyeon, but none of them truly makes him feel any better. The past few months of indescribable, unpredicted heartbreak and gloominess spent in agony and wondering about that particular day at the practice room cannot just go away with few laughters. Not even with a true, hearty one, one that Sehun tries to entertain throughout June, when Kyungsoo is away most of the time. 

The TV is on with Chanyeol’s face in the jungle on it when Kyungsoo comes home late at night, on a Sunday almost-morning. Sehun is somewhere between letting his eyes closing in shut and forcing them open, but the minute Kyungsoo steps in the living room, he’s wide awake. Every nestle Kyungsoo makes sounds ten times louder now with everyone gone to their respective rooms, only Sehun lounging around on the couch at this ungodly hour. Tomorrow they have practice for their concert, and Joonmyeon has been alarming him of it throughout the evening, but sleep hasn’t again come easy to Sehun this week, leaving him switching through channels all restless. 

Kyungsoo’s tired, is the first thing Sehun notices. He puts his keys on the hanger swiftly, but the next moment he comes stumbling across the room, one thing Kyungsoo rarely does. Clumsiness is not an adjective of many to describe Kyungsoo, Sehun knows, and when Kyungsoo hits the pillow next to him, Sehun doesn’t think twice about circling his hands around his waist. 

“Rough day?” Sehun asks, voice low, calm. Chanyeol’s face flashes on the screen.

“Just long,” Kyungsoo answers. “Had a lot of scenes today.”

His body has a sheen of sweet summer sweat all over it. Sehun collects them with his thumb as he swipes it over in circles on the back of Kyungsoo’s hand. “Maybe you should skip practice tomorrow.”

Kyungsoo’s eyes are fixed on the TV screen but his gaze is unfocused. Sehun wonders if he only sees colours and abstract shapes. “No, I’ll go,” Kyungsoo says, in return, a few heartbeats later. The sweat on Kyungsoo’s hand is slowly starting to dry, and Sehun stops drawing loops on his palm.

“Maybe you should go to sleep then,” is what Sehun says next. Kyungsoo looks down at their hands, almost intertwined. When Sehun starts to circle his thumb around Kyungsoo’s palm again, Kyungsoo stretches his fingers for Sehun’s to meet in the middle. It almost burns, the faint touch of Kyungsoo’s skin on Sehun’s, but it’s soft, almost like a feather. Almost like it isn’t there. 

It’s a pure movement, lacking any kind of ulterior motive or menace, needing no response. Yet still, the undeniable force of wanting to put their hands together strikes Sehun with dispatch, something he cannot foresee, something that is impossible to outrun. 

But want and incidence does not necessarily align. Kyungsoo’s hand is gone. He stands, starts for the bathroom. Sehun looks at him from across, the light in the hallway illuminating Kyungsoo’s sun-kissed skin that practically glows under white-ish led lights, and Sehun can’t help but think about ways to let Kyungsoo know that he wants his hand over his a little longer, a little more. By the door, Kyungsoo says, face slightly turned back to look at Sehun, “You should go to sleep too.”

“Okay, hyung,” Sehun says, but dwells there for a moment or two. Maybe Kyungsoo is just a really good friend with really beautiful skin, and a majestic voice, and deep brown eyes. 

Sehun can’t really pinpoint out what brings him to follow Kyungsoo into the bathroom – need… want? –, yet he’s there, arm slightly pushing against the doorframe in a try-hard nonchalant way. Kyungsoo is too tired to take notice of him or even acknowledge his presence with a mere humm as he takes off his shirt.

Suddenly there’s not enough air for Sehun to breathe in, the walls turning in on him too soon, too fast. Kyungsoo is just standing there, right by the shower as he waits for the water to cool down, and with a facile move, one blink of an eye, he’s in, completely naked.

It’s not like they haven’t seen each other naked before. In fact, Sehun has seen the entire band in their natural state, especially Baekhyun, who doesn’t care about what anyone thinks. Oh, how Sehun wishes he was anything like Baekhyun. But he’s not. Instead, he’s standing in the bathroom, Kyungsoo about an arm and a full ocean away, in all of his naked sun-kissed wet glory, and he feels like a fool. How did he get here, exactly, again?

The shower stall opens. Cold air gushes all over Sehun’s body. “Are you getting in or not?” Kyungsoo says. Like it’s nothing.

Maybe it really is nothing. Maybe they’re really just nothing, and this moment of vulnerability as Sehun stands there, wordlessly taking his clothes off, is barely just a dream of feverish thoughts. 

The water is cool enough to keep Sehun standing on both of his feet. Kyungsoo puts shower gel on a sponge, traces his skin with it over and over again. Sehun watches him, without a sound, because he doesn’t know what else to do. To be clear, he doesn’t know anything, not even lately. All he knows is Kyungsoo’s skin is beautiful and glowing and tan. He’s nothing like Sehun. 

Kyungsoo turns to him then, offers him the sponge. It’s still wet and soapy, and Sehun can practically smell his own desperation over the scent of coconut shower gel. He finds himself mulling about the muscles on Kyungsoo’s back as he turns, reaching up for shampoo, the muscles that he has never seen before. How long has this been happening? How did Sehun not notice? And why does the simple thought of Kyungsoo being close to him send him into overdrive?

By the time he’s soaped himself up, Kyungsoo is out, a baby blue towel fastened low around his waist. Sehun has little to no time to comprehend the deficit of Kyungsoo’s body heat. Everything is happening so quick, like a sketchy dream, in a non-linear realm of disjointed occurrents. Sehun feels like he’s out of his body and mind, and Kyungsoo’s gone again, only a few patches of water left of him on the bathroom floor. 

---

Sehun knows something is changing. Or, as Baekhyun says on a lovely, mildly hot August summer evening out on the roof of their apartment, stuffing their faces with ordered bulgoggi, “something has already been changed”.

“What do you mean?” Sehun says, mouth full of spicy rice cake. He very well knows what Baekhyun means, but it’s too soon to admit that. He’d rather play blind, like he’s been playing for who knows how long.

“You very well know what I mean,” Baekhyun says, pointedly. Sehun hates how he sees through a lot of things. Even more now, when he sees right through him. “Kyungsoo. And you. Or should I put it this way; your feelings for Kyungsoo?”

Sehun is compelled, at first, to say something opposing like “What, no,” or “Haha, you’re kidding me,” but nothing comes to his mind. It’s only blank, his heart, with a little vibrato at the base of his lungs and at the top of his stomach, sizzling with little heat and a nervous trembling. Somehow the half full bowl of bulgoggi seems disgusting right now, but he has no strength to push it away. An after-image of the practice room door and Kyungsoo’s tiny back pushed against it comes to him, accompanied by a ghost of Kyungsoo’s fingers against his flashes right before his eyes, clear, unabashed, unchanged. Then there’s the feeling: the feeling of not being good enough and being too much, too loud, too forgettable makes his heart sink, just a little, right where his stomach is pulsing with unkindness. Baekhyun sees right through him, but when has he ever not? 

Baekhyun reaches out, takes the bulgoggi of Sehun’s hands, puts it on the ground. The sky is simmering in blues both pale and deep dark, underlined with a kind of warmness of the setting sun, painted in low oranges and yellows at the bottom. It’s only after he’s sitting fast and close next to Sehun, his hands around his shoulder when he says, “You’ve been out of focus lately… If you want to talk about it, I’m here.”

The closeness of Baekhyun is not unpleasant, but it’s nothing compared to Kyungsoo’s body heat hitting Sehun in the chest warm and kind and fast. Sehun feels like choking up, because, even if he tries not to, somehow he grew too fond of Kyungsoo and his many talents; his voice, his cooking, his body…

If Sehun could shout right now he would, he would let out a shriek so sharp it would almost represent his bleeding heart. Baekhyun senses his discomfort, so he pulls him closer, so close Sehun’s head fits under his perfect little chin. Baekhyun is as easy to hug as he is easy to love, something Sehun can’t identify with. An ugly bubble of jealousy boils up inside him, and now he’s full of colours, all sad blues and yellows of envy. 

If he doesn’t speak now he’s going to burst, so he does what he has to do; at least this he knows, so he says, quietly, “Why does everything have to be so confusing and hard?”

Baekhyun’s hands are still around him, holding him in place so Sehun doesn’t completely fall apart. Sehun appreciates Baekhyun’s sensible nature, but somehow thinks nothing, not even Baekhyun’s emphatic solacement could ever take away these blues.

“That’s just life,” Baekhyun’s voice is soft. “It happens to everyone, every now and then.”

Sehun breaks away from Baekhyun to look him in the eye. “Does everyone feel this worthless as I do?”

“Having ups and downs sometimes is human,” Baekhyun responds. There’s a chill breeze swiping past them the moment these words roll off his tongue and Sehun feels helpless. “Not being able to comprehend our worth is human. Hell, some people never get to know their real worth. Having someone you like, and maybe falling in love with them, and maybe loving them unconditionally and getting nothing in return is human. Loving someone of… the same sex is okay. Even if your parents say otherwise. Even if society says otherwise. And I hope you know, Oh Sehun, that I love you. And I want the best for you. And I also want you to know that having complicated feelings is okay. Everybody has. Everybody has to, at some point in their life, face hardships. But we will pull you through. We are almost brothers, remember?”

A moment of silence passes between them. Sehun is trying to make sense out of Baekhyun’s words, even though Baekhyun has been clear from the very start. Damn, Baekhyun is really good at unfolding the deepest, darkest pits of Sehun’s irregularly beating heart, but Sehun does not yet know what Baekhyun’s words mean to him. Is he really– in love? With Kyungsoo hyung? Kyungsoo hyung, who cooks for him at midnight, who accompanies him to movies no other wants to watch with him; Kyungsoo hyung, who not only has a voice, but has the looks, the strength, the passion, the heart? Kyungsoo doesn’t usually have his heart out on his sleeves, at least, not like Sehun has his right now, laid out bare and raw in front of Baekhyun to touch. Because Baekhyun, out of all people, is now seeing it; the rush of sadness that escapes Sehun in form of tears, hot and wet down the side of his cheeks. He’s crying, in relief or grief, in realisation or deny he doesn’t know; all he knows is he’s crying, on the goddamn roof, his bulgoggi growing cold on the ground, with Baekhyun’s arms around him in a consoling manner. 

There are times when Sehun is too lost, too deep in his thoughts to listen to anything that’s said to him. But this time he does, he really, truly listens, but Baekhyun’s words he cannot comprehend – yet. So he just cries, soundless, his broad shoulders shaking as he tries to wipe away tears that had been trying to break out ever since on that unfaithful day at the practice room.

“Good,” says Baekhyun, hand coming up to Sehun’s nape to linger a little bit. “We, I think, need to embrace sadness as well as we embrace happiness. Cry it out, Sehun-ah.”

So he cries and cries.

---

They say, after the rain comes the sun, and for Sehun it might just happen. The experience shared with Baekhyun on the roof with cold bulgoggi and mildly dark-yellow setting Sun and a lot of crying made Sehun feel ten times lighter in the chest. In some strange way, letting his emotions out in form of tears provided as a moderate temporary solution for an aching heart, even if Sehun was always sceptical of this form of pain-relief: he usually laughed away his tears with either too much dance or too many food, but this time around, crying his tiny heart out served him good, leaving him feeling a lot fresher in the morning. Not even the burnt toast Joonmyeon made him as a lame excuse of a breakfast took away his smile as he sat at the table, poking Jongin in the ribs with his index finger till Jongin had enough, pushing at him in revenge, and when it’s time for dance practice later, at around ten o’clock, nothing seems to make him feel down.

Until Kyungsoo appears. Because he does, he dares to show up in a slick black training suit, his hair a muzzled nest on the top of his head, with all of his brownish glowing skin, and Sehun suddenly feels a stone drop in his stomach, deep and low and hurting. 

The uneasy feeling stays throughout dance practice. However hard he tries, he just simply can’t bear to look away from Kyungsoo’s reflection in the mirror, and the longing that has been keeping him up at night for the past several months makes him unable to coherently rehearse his lines, leaving him feeling all kind of different blues again. 

Practice lets out at three in the afternoon, and everybody is up for lunch. Sehun doesn’t really have an appetite right now, seeing as how well Kyungsoo gets along with either Chanyeol or Jongin or Joonmyeon. Sehun sticks with Jongdae, sits close to him in the booth at their favourite diner with Kyungsoo across him.

Jongdae tells him bad jokes as Sehun watches Kyungsoo’s hand slide along Jongin’s shoulder, laughing at a very funny thing Chanyeol just said. Sehun couldn’t care less, he thinks, and turns back to Jongdae to feign a smile at another bad joke of his, the kind that only Baekhyun appreciates, but damn, halfway along the tenth shaggy dog story Baekhyun tells Jongdae, Sehun’s attention wanders back to the other side of the table. Apparently he cares, and wonders if Kyungsoo cares about him too the way he does about him. Wonders if that night in the shower meant the same to him as it did to Sehun. Oh wait, he doesn’t even know what it meant, or if it means anything at all. Questions he cannot yet answer flood his mind and the lightness he felt in the morning now seems so far away, even farther than Kyungsoo feels a few feet away to his upper right, laughing in a kind of joy Sehun can’t possibly share. 

Above a table full of food and light chatter on both sides, Sehun still ponders, thinks about the times when his feelings were left unchanged and discerning happenings in life seemed easy and quick. Now, all he has is a depot of amphigoric thoughts and a confused heart and Kyungsoo is still sitting over at the table in his pretty tracksuit and pretty face and Sehun can’t think about anything else. 

Somewhere between a bite of galbi and yet another fart joke from Baekhyun, Sehun’s fingertips start to tickle on end. Kyungsoo has reached over the table for a side dish, but missed and took Sehun’s hand instead. Sehun’s mouth goes dry as sand as Kyungsoo smiles at his own foolishness, and gives a light pat on Sehun’s hand before reaching over for kimchi. The chopsticks in Sehun’s hand are starting to slide off, and Sehun decides to collect himself. He won’t let the knot in his stomach stop him from eating all this delicious food, so he starts stuffing his face with various meats, korean barbeque first and foremost. Yixing laughs at him, says, “Sehun-ah, you’ll choke on your food, eat slowly,” but what Yixing doesn’t understand is, if Sehun stops forcing huge bites down his throat, he might as well suffocate from the knot in it. 

“Sehun-ah has been working very hard lately,” Kyungsoo says. “He needs to eat well.”

“True that, but he’s eating like a machine,” says Baekhyun, puts a hand over Sehun’s shoulders mid-bite. “Sehun-ah, you’ve been showing us your many talents this past comeback, you shouldn’t kill yourself with too much barbeque. Right, Kyungsoo?” 

It’s a huge bite that gets stuck in his throat and makes Sehun gag, Sehun would like to think, not Baekhyun’s rather smart remark to Kyungsoo. Baekhyun just smirks at him and Sehun thinks he wants to put his hands over his neck and just simply squeeze him to death, but that would be inappropriate in a diner Joonmyeon loves. And Sehun loves Joonmyeon, so he wouldn’t dare to make all of them get banned from here, so he sticks for killing Baekhyun mentally, maybe later on the roof of their dorm. 

“Told ya you would suffocate considering the amount of unchewed meat you shoved down your face,” Jongdae laughs and Chanyeol snickers with him, clapping his hands together. 

“Thanks for the reminder, hyung,” Sehun says in reply. Kyungsoo is just smiling at him, warm, kind, a heart-shaped smile Sehun could never erase from his memories, because the imprint would be always there. This, he determines, would he like to remember later, and not Jongdae’s unfunny jokes.

---

Staying in means wearing no clothes whatsoever while the others are out at their favourite bowling place. Sehun likes to call it ‘Hours’ with a capital H, indicating that it’s his very own, very special time he gets to spend by himself and himself only. Sometimes he likes to go out with the band, just to see the wrinkles of worry dissolve from Joonmyeon’s otherwise wrinkless face. They would go out and play games, mainly bowling, with Jongdae shouting over both Baekhyun’s and Chanyeol’s voice as Yixing sits behind them, snickering about something Joonmyeon just said to the others that has no effect on the shouting whatsoever. Jongin would lounge in one of the seats, popcorn all over his shirt, his hands, his mouth. And Kyungsoo – Kyungsoo would stand beside them, hands crossed on his chest, lips stretching far out into a wide smile at the others. Sehun does not know if he’s ready for yet another emotionally tumultuous day with either the Beagle-line or Kyungsoo, so he chooses to stay in, telling Minseok that it’s only because of tiredness. 

Partly it’s true. He’s genuinely tired from all the photoshoots and commercials and concerts and music programs, but he’s also tired from a completely different aspect, something he only could ever share briefly with Baekhyun. Good old Baekhyun… if only he could lift the weight off Sehun’s chest so Sehun could breathe properly again and not with restrain or guilt or pain or tears. 

Sehun doesn’t know how long he can stand this—this feeling, this sense of overwhelming thoughts, the feeling of not being good enough, of not being good of anything, of not being… Of not being enough. Simply. Truly. At all. Not for the band. Not for his parents. Not for the world. Not for Kyungsoo.

Is there a way to wipe my head clear of these thoughts?, he thinks to himself as he rolls over in bed to his other side. Or is he stuck in this blue nothingness forever with little to nothing to hold onto; not a single joy in life. Even food doesn’t taste the same as back then, back when he experienced happiness with the same intensity as he experiences these blue days of fog and self-loathing and question marks inside his head. There is, a possible way out, of course, is what he thinks the next minute, but the sadness comes back, kicking the front door to his heart open and leaving it torn into pieces without any kind of consolation; is that how it’s going to be always? For eternity? How does a person feel so low about themselves for this long – for months, not only a few weeks, but months, long months, on end and on  end an on end. Without stopping. No rest to the sad heart. No rest to the sad mind, either. 

He sits up straight, stares out the window. Summer is ending soon, trees that have been blossoming in green slowly turning into a harsh palette of browns and oranges. Everything around Sehun changes, but Sehun’s confusing feelings stay the same, the same as ever. Undiscernible. Hurting. As if someone took a knife and put it between Sehun’s ribs right through his skin and meat to the middle of his heart and left it bleeding. Nothing changes there. 

Maybe it’s really all just tiredness. Work has been cruel, to be honest, this past year, especially on his body. He knows he’s losing weight. And he also knows it’s not the main reason.

It’s… and it’s hard to even think to himself, let alone to say it out loud, it’s because of Kyungsoo. Kyungsoo the beautiful, brave, the amazing, the muscular, the toned, the one with The Lips. The Voice. With everything  Sehun doesn’t have. But what Sehun doesn’t especially have is, and what he’ll never could possess has nothing to do with how Kyungsoo looks. Or how Kyungsoo sings. Because those things can be changed; those things can be learned. What can’t be learned is how to have someone who’s heart is not reserved for you. Who’s not thinking of you the same way as you think of them. Who can’t, no matter how hard he tries, reciprocate those feelings for you. Because a person is a person; and not a thing to learn, or to change. A person has a mind of their own. And Sehun can’t possibly have that. Can’t have Kyungsoo when Kyungsoo doesn’t want him. 

He glances outside then. There’s a tree, a single tree in the street, right at the front of their apartment block. Birds usually sit there and chirp all day long if the weather is nice enough. The sun is shining today, but there are no birds on the tree. Not one. It makes Sehun feel even worse, as if the simple knowing that today he is alone because he’s unable to engage in normal human contact on any levels wasn’t enough. 

Maybe if he stared at the tree enough, some birds would come fly there and sit and chirp. But Sehun is no magician; he can’t make things go the way he wants. He can’t cast spells. 

The front door is unlocked. Sehun hears it clicking open. He takes a look at the clock; it’s only half past six. The guys usually come home around one a.m., slightly drunk, irritably loud. It’s still too early for that. 

He cranes his neck to take a peak through the open door – he’s almost scared how fast he recognises the footsteps coming in through the hall. Sehun just simply cannot know it by the sounds. Kyungsoo sticks his head in then, leans against the frame of the door. “Hey. Joonmyeon said you’d be home.”

“I am,” is what Sehun answers. He doesn’t know what else to say.

“Didn’t want to leave you all alone here, by yourself,” Kyungsoo says, closes the door behind him. It closes obnoxiously loud. “Can I sit with you?”

“Sure,” Sehun says, trying really hard to sound nonchalant, or at least not as wrecked as he feels. Kyungsoo sits next to him, clothed thighs slightly brushing up against Sehun’s naked ones. Sehun is now awfully aware of his own nakedness; he only has his super high gymshorts on, the bright blue one that Chanyeol always mocks him for having. He suddenly realises he feels exposed and it makes him shrink away from Kyungsoo, if even only by a few millimetres. Some sort of awkward silence takes a seat in between them, the kind that makes you fidget restlessly. Sehun often doesn’t know what to say; neither does Kyungsoo – but even in that aspect, there’s a gap between them; a gap in which Sehun is on one end, being the one who doesn’t know what to say – and Kyungsoo on the other, who knows what to, yet doesn’t know how. Sehun wishes he’d know what to, but wouldn’t be able to say – even in that way Kyungsoo is someone he looks up to. It’s hard. It’s hard to know your flaws and live with them, especially if those flaws are what restrain you from living your life to the fullest. And Sehun always wants the best. Always wants things he doesn’t have. What he cannot have.

“Sehun-ah, don’t frown this much,” Kyungsoo says then, makes Sehun whip his head towards him. Kyungsoo is dressed in full black, and he looks sleek, breathtaking even. How Sehun wishes he could peel away the black layers and reach beneath Kyungsoo’s skin to take a grip at his heart the same way Kyungsoo is squeezing Sehun’s right now. How he wishes he could do that, but he can’t, and shouldn’t, because Kyungsoo is his friend, brother, bandmate, ex-roommate… everything and nothing to him all at once. 

Kyungsoo too, is looking at him right now, all deep brown eyes and dark eyebrows knocking together in a questionable way, like he’s thinking too hard about something. 

“What?”  Sehun asks. It comes out weak and breathless. He pulls his knees up higher on the bed so he can lay a hand around them, as if hiding from Kyungsoo, even though he very well knows he can’t. 

“Wow, I just,” Kyungsoo says, looking down and away, pushing a hand through his hair. It’s cut short and even, laying perfectly onto his sun-kissed bronze skin on the sides. “I just realised something. Something I shouldn’t exactly be feeling… and yet…”

Deep breath and exhale. All the things Sehun thought he wanted to say are completely gone. In fact, all of his thoughts are far away. He says, with struggle, “What did you just realise, hyung?”

There’s a drop of sweat rolling down Kyungsoo’s nape, straight from his hairline disappearing into his loose black t-shirt. Summer has come to an end, as had Sehun’s thoughts just moments ago, and here he is now, following the trail Kyungsoo’s sweat makes all the way down his neck. It’s tempting to reach out and collect it with his fingers, brushing away the wetness and leaving traces of a tender touch on Kyungsoo’s skin.

“Something I don’t exactly understand… Nor am sure about,” Kyungsoo says. There is no trembling in his voice, no hesitance. He’s saying it like it’s a fact, like it’s easy to talk about such things, when Sehun perfectly knows it’s not Kyungsoo’s best feature. “And I’m not exactly sure about how could this thing… my realisation… affect you.”

Sehun’s heart beats like crazy. “Well… if you just told me, hyung… Maybe we could see the outcome.”

Kyungsoo turns quiet awhile. His hand rests on his thighs. Not quite sure how to continue, Sehun takes a glance at Kyungsoo, head hanging low as if he doesn’t dare to really look at him. All he sees is just a soft nervous tremble that radiates off Kyungsoo now, and it makes Sehun uneasy, equally nervous. He knows this something that could either break them or mend them together, but he doesn’t know how to say it out loud. 

He wants to say something, or do something, maybe just a nudge of a knee or a slight touch of an index finger -- but before he knows, the moment is gone, and Kyungsoo is on the other side of the room, gingerly clasping at the doorframe.

“I’m... I’m sorry Sehun-ah. Forget it. I am just tired.”

And with that, he’s out the door, leaving Sehun with all this inner turmoil and indecisiveness alone. He looks at his hands. The sweat has gone cold on his palms.

---

Weeks pass with promotions and dance practices and interviews, but all he thinks about is the last month - Kyungsoo has been very nice to him lately, and that is something Sehun can’t quite put his finger on. Not like Kyungsoo isn’t nice on a daily basis; he is a man with a great sense of politeness and good manners, characteristics that resolve in everybody loving Kyungsoo. What is there not to love? Sehun likes to think he is just as polite as Kyungsoo is, but who is he trying to fool? The only thing they truly share is their quietness – nothing else. Sehun is nothing like Kyungsoo. Kyungsoo is nothing like Sehun, and Sehun wonders if that palpable difference between them could dissolve one day.

[sehun keeps wondering about kyungsoo; the days go just like that. this is the era of “its ok its love” and sehun’s feelings for kyungsoo deepens as time goes farther. kyungsoo gets more affectionate towards sehun while sehun wonders if that is all that is; two good friends, holding hands sometimes and being affectionate with each other but every time kyungsoo puts his hands on his waist his heart beats faster, harder, irregular. sehun knows somethings’ changing, and he keeps wondering about his worth, about his abilities or lack thereof. kyungsoo is always there for him to assure him of his worth, to make him feel not so empty inside. sehun starts to wonder about what you want and what you have; if the two can align. can you get what you want, or you should get what you need? whats the difference between want and need? what if we could never get what we truly want or need? we cant have everything sehun knows, but he keeps wanting kyungsoo until the very day that he realises he really, really, really does want it. he doesn’t know how he wants kyungsoo, all he knows is kyungsoo’s presence makes him feel tingly and good and happy. meanwhile sehun realises kyungsoo is just as defenseless and self concious as he is, and they develop a very close friendship, a friendship that’s not yet enough for sehun. one time, around the promotions of another winter lovesong exo puts out regularly, on a slightly drunken night of winning a music program, sehun kisses kyungsoo and they start an affair of purely physical love. sehun is in too deep, even when he knows he wants emotional love as well as physical. kyungsoo is affectionate to him but he is affectionate to the other members as well which leaves sehun all sad, and begins to wonder about wanting and having. whats the endgame I don’t know yet, but I know the last words will be this: when he leaves, he leaves the door open.

ok so the physical side of love continues until sehun cant take it anymore; after wondering about months and months of what this means to him, he goes to ask kyungsoo about it. kyungsoo is surprisingly calm during the talk, explaining to sehun that he too, as sehun could notice, wants the affectionate closeness but not the emotions; hes not in love with sehun nor will he ever be; he doesn’t want anything more than there is. sehun is, at first, devastated, but later realises that that’s how life is; you truly can’t always get you what you want. after he accepted the fact that kyungsoo doesn’t want anything else, he feels thankful for kyungsoo of showing him so many things; of teaching him to love himself through the physical and emotional acts; to teaching him the difference between need and want indirectly. once sehun realises all these things, they stay good and close friends, although the memories of being more than that but not quite anything still mars sehun’s mind. a year later in a café he meets a boy with auburn hair, someone who he can connect with. in the end, sehun is happy and in love and is secure with himself, continuing his time with exo and being best friends with kyungsoo. a bittersweet ending!]

[antigenius]

Forever

A/n: a long, overdue fic trade for @verytiredartist !!! I hope you like it!!

The red carpet was like a cloud. Your dress was billowing in the autumn wind, a bouquet of your favourite flowers in your hands. Your friends and family were on either side of you, smiling. You smile back.

You breathe in to calm yourself, and stare at the man who was steps away from you. His scarlet eyes were shy, surprisingly, and he couldn’t seem to look at you for more than a minute. A film reel of memories went through your mind, watching each and every moment you had together.

Your highs,

“’Suki?”

The winter air nipped your nose, twinkly snowflakes falling down. The world around you was covered in little white crystals. The cold made you shiver. He seemed to notice, taking off his coat and pulling you in with it.

“Wh-“

“Shut up.”

The faux fur on the inside of the coat made you feel warm. The smell of burnt sugar filled your lungs as you smile. You watched him help you put on his coat, doing the buttons and the zip. You could only just see the sliver of a smile on his face as he did so.

 “… I love you.”

He froze. The zip was halfway done. You tensed, but you had been together for so long, it was okay to say it now… Right? His hands trembled with the zipper, small little crackles popping in his hand. You take his hands in yours, making him face you. His hair was frosted, but his eyes were burning. That was what you always admired.

He took your face in his hands, and closed the gap.

“I… l-love you too.” 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

your lows,

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Just shut up!” You scream, silencing the enraged man in front of you. You could see the steam coming his ears, his fists clenching and his glare piercing through your own. Your tears were making everything blurry. It was a duel. A duel to see who could stand their ground the longest, and you always lost. Not this time.

You rub your tears and grit your teeth, grabbing the keys from the hook.

“Where are you going.”

“You wouldn’t care, now would you?” You snarl, voice threatening to crack.

The fact that he was silent made you hold back your sobs. You had to be stubborn for once, he can’t always get his way.  If he didn’t care then fine, you didn’t have to either. You begin to turn the knob, but you felt his hand grab yours. You keep your focus on the door.

“..What.”

“It’s raining dumbass, you’ll get sick.”

“So?”

His grip only tightens. He’s quiet, but you could hear every single thought vibrating through the air.

“Don’t be an idiot.”

His words made you snap.

“Don’t be an idiot?” You turned back to him, anger flaring through you. “Don’t be an idiot?!”

You jab him in the chest, pushing him back against the wall in fury. “You listen close because I’m fucking tired of you being so reckless and thinking ‘oh yeah, I’ll be fine’. You literally injured your arm Katsuki; you’re in a cast, and you just came home from the hospital but no, now you want to go work again. It’s like… It’s like you don’t know how much trouble that makes! Sure, maybe you don’t care but I fucking do! What if it’s not just your arm, it’s your legs, or your neck? Am I just supposed to man up? Be like, ‘my boyfriend was sooo brave’? I dunno, but I fucking want you here. I don’t WANT to be a depressed mess in a corner crying over your fucking remains because you didn’t think of me, so I’ll just get out of it now before I start caring.”

You walk back to the door, but he holds you back again, his grip only tightening further.

“Don’t be so selfish. There’s other people out there that need a hero, if I get killed in the process of saving people, then so be it. Of course you’ll be sad, but if I didn’t save them, imagine all the other sad fucks moping around. It’s my job.”

He pulls you back, making you face him. “I get it (y/n). I really do, but shit isn’t gonna happen if no one does anything.”

Your rage had simmered, having already exploded a while ago. He was right, but you were still reluctant to say as such. You slowly caress his face in your hands, tears slipping from your eyes again.

“At least rest you asshole…”

“Shut up shitty woman, I know.”

He presses his lips against yours, the embers of rage snuffed in calming waters.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

your first date,

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Train to Busan?”

You read the cover of the DVD with curiosity. He shrugged.

“Looked like the scariest one you got. The rest were rom-coms or those sad sap films.”

You scrunched your nose in a retorting manner. “So? What’s wrong with that?”

He snorted. “What’s wrong? They’re boring! That’s what’s wrong.”

Nose still scrunched; you mumbled. “You’re wrong…”

“What?”

“Nothing, let’s just watch this movie!”

The movie started out scary, zombie outbreak, everybody’s running, apocalypse on-coming, but then it became dark. The antagonist kills everyone to save himself, losing more people along the way. Katsuki sighed, the movie had become predictable now. Without the essence of thrill or action, it was just becoming another sad sap movie. He was getting pissed at the villain though, just the thought of him made his hands crackle. He looked down at you. Your eyes were glassy. Tears had been brimming ever since the first death had happened, but you managed to just sniffle them away. They were getting stronger and stronger though; it was hard to keep it all down.

“…”

His eyes trailed over your red nose and trembling red lips. Red was his favourite colour. It was strong, it was powerful, it was a fervid force that could destroy all.

But at this moment, it was weak.

It was weak, it was fearful, it was small.

So small, it only coloured parts of your face. How could something so small be as powerful as they say?

A single tear dripped from your eyes as another beloved character fell victim to the antagonist’s fervent greed to survive. Your knuckles were pale in comparison to your heated complexion.

The movie ends with the antagonist getting what he deserves, dying at the hands of the zombies which grabbed him. The movie didn’t end happily though, with almost everyone dead, it all seemed hopeless for the characters left. The credits roll and you hear a tch from beside you.

“That villain pisses me off.” Katsuki growled. “Fucking greedy, saving his life but not caring for others, he’s a big load of scum.”

You swallowed hard as you nodded in agreement, breathing in to calm yourself. “It was a good movie all the same though, the plot was nicely done.”

“You kiddin’ me? It was boring-“

 “Don’t act like you didn’t get scared at that first zombie!”

“What?! I don’t get scared shitty woman!”

In the midst of the banter, his eyes began to trail once again, but he noticed your face was still red. Red with anger, red with fear, and red with misery. None of those reds, however, could match the red of your smile. It was so strong, it overpowered all the other hues by a landslide. … It looked good on you.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

… it all flashed in front of you as you face the man you loved.

“Now repeat after me, I, Katsuki Baku-”

“Argh, this is taking too long, gimme the mic.”

Katsuki took the microphone and turned to you.

“Look, you know I love you, shitty woman. I love every single part of you, no matter what happens. If I act outta line, or I don’t treat you right, hell knows what I’ll do to myself. Not to mention, I told shitty hair to kill me if I did so.”

His lips curled into a smug grin. “So now the only thing is, whether or not you want this to be a permanent thing. Being with me’s a privilege, so you better think hard.”

 You laugh, the giggle escaping your lips as you hum. “I think I’d like that, Katsuki Bakugou.”

The crowd erupts into cheers and whistles as you sealed the pact. Life was going to be interesting with this man…

But boy, were you excited for it.

[sevensstories]

A Bottle of Courvoisier

Fandom: Hazbin Hotel Characters: Angel Dust, Alastor Ships: Radiodust Updates: One-shot, y’all! Warnings: Alcohol mention, soft gore mention, mature language

Follow the link to read it on AO3, or just read it under the cut!

https://archiveofourown.org/works/21673123

Alastor liked cognac.

Alastor liked fucking cognac.

Angel Dust would have never in a million years guessed that as Alastor's drink of choice. The blood of the innocent maybe, but not cognac. Not alcohol period. He was always so composed, so cold and calculated, that when he stumbled upon the radio demon nursing an empty bottle of Courvoisier at the hotel bar he was too shocked to even comment. Husker was nowhere to be seen, and Alastor was…

Well, to put it lightly, Alastor was plastered.

He didn't realize that at first, though. Alastor had his arms up on the bar and his face nestled in the crook of his elbow, like he was trying to take a nap. Angel Dust really just wanted to keep walking, but something stopped him. Something wasn't right.

"Al?" No response. "Hey, Alastor. You alright there, pal?"

Alastor made a sound that was a mix between a hum and radio static. Well, at least it was a response. Angel Dust leaned against the bar and tried to peek at Alastor's face, making sure to keep his distance. He didn't need to lose an arm just because he was caught being soft and doing something stupid. Really, really stupid.

"Alastor? Heh, you're not nappin' on the job, are you? Cause I don't think Charlie would-- WHOA!"

Angel Dust yelped as a lanky arm was thrown over his shoulders, Alastor pulling him down so their cheeks were pressed together. "Angel Dust, my good man! I was wondering when you would saunter my way!"

"You, uh, ya were…?" Angel Dust did not miss the flush in Alastor's cheeks and the scent of alcohol on his breath.

"Well of course I was! I've been starved of your company!" Alastor nuzzled his cheek, voice crackling with uncontrolled static. "That was quite cruel of you, my fellow, quite cruel indeed."

"You. Wanted to spend time with me." Angel Dust's tone was as dry as the bottom of Alastor's bottle. "Okay, now I know you're wasted. Why don't we, uh, why don't we get you to your room, yeah? Before anyone sees you like this and you murder me when you sober up."

"Oh, buy my dear Angel Dust, why would I ever do that?" Alastor looked at him with laughable innocence.

Angel Dust grabbed Alastor around the waist and hoisted him out of his chair. Luckily having extra arms made guiding drunk murder machines all the easier. "Uh, 'cause ya hate me? 'Cause I'm too flirty, and ya think I'm gross, and the only reason ya haven't killed me yet is it would be a PR nightmare for the hotel?"

Much to Angel Dust’s surprise, Alastor didn’t even hesitate to lean against him. The warmth radiating from the radio demon should have been concerning, but Angel Dust had never really gotten close enough to him to know whether or not this was normal. For right now it was probably best to just ignore it. Luckily, Alastor’s room was just down the hall so he wouldn’t have to risk his hide for too long. He started walking, Alastor’s stumbling footsteps sounding beside his.

Alastor’s smile faded a bit, though not completely. In truth, Angel Dust had never seen him without it. “Oh that’s not true, not true at all! I quite like you, you know.”

Angel Dust snorted. Yeah, Alastor was definitely drunk off his ass. “Oh yeah? Since when?”

“Since…” Alastor paused, pursing his lips a bit. “Well, since never I suppose.” The grin came back full force, and he looked up at Angel Dust with a level of enthusiasm usually reserved for schemes and carnage. “But I like you very much right now! What a wonderful friend you are, braving the spinning hallways just to get me to my room!”

“They’re only spinning for you, pal.” Angel Dust stopped at Alastor’s door. “Speaking of your room, we’re here so I’ll just leave you to i--”

“Oh nonsense!” Alastor shoved the door open and dragged Angel Dust inside with a strength that would have been very useful during the walk over. “Come in, come in! I could use the company you know.”

Angel Dust did his best to stop himself from being dragged into the room, but Alastor was stronger than he expected. Well, at least he had tried. “I mean, if you insist I guess.” He glanced around the room, taking note of the red and black decor. Not many surprises there. It was simpler than he expected, his only furniture being a wardrobe, dresser, bed, and nightstand. A small, old-timey radio sat on the dresser and a lamp rested on the nightstand. But the bed, oh the bed, it made even Angel Dust jealous. Black pillows, a black, plush comforter, and red sheets. Were those silk? If they were… well, that had implications.

He briefly wondered how painful his death would be tomorrow when Alastor was sobered up.

“Oh but I do!” The garbled static pulled Angel Dust from his thoughts. “Why don’t you have a seat?”

Angel Dust glanced around the room once again. “Yeah, Al, I don’t know if ya noticed, but you don’t got any chairs.”

“No, but the bed will do just fine.” As if to emphasize his point, Alastor sat on the edge of the bed and patted the spot next to him.

“Ah-ha, ya know, I’m not sure that’s such a good idea,” Angel Dust said with a nervous smile, taking a small step backwards. He liked keeping his arms on his body, and he was sure he’d have more than enough to answer for in the morning as it was. That was, if Alastor even remembered this. He was pretty toasted. “I think I’m gonna head back ta my room, but thanks for the invite. Really.”

Angel Dust was not at all prepared for what came next.

Alastor’s smile faded. In its entirety. He looked horribly disappointed, so much so that his ears actually pressed back. Angel Dust had never seen them move before, he was almost convinced they weren’t actually ears but just immobile tufts of hair. Alastor glanced down, his disappointment reflecting in his tone in a way that made Angel Dust’s heart ache. “Ah, yes, I… I suppose this is awfully imposing. Expecting you to stay when I’m sure you have somewhere else to be, and I have been less than kind to you in the past.”

“Exactly!” Angel Dust said, a tad too eagerly. “So I should probably go, and I…” He trailed off, taking in the heartbreaking expression on Alastor’s face. A demon famous for carnage should not be able to pull off puppy eyes. “...oh God damn it. Fine.”

Angel Dust didn’t miss the way Alastor perked up when he sat next to him, both sets of arms crossed. “But I want booze, ya hear me? I’m not doing this sober.”

“Oh but of course!” The grin was back, a glimmer of excitement lighting up Alastor’s eyes. “What’s your poison? I’m sure I can come up with something that’s to your liking.”

“I’m gonna go out on a limb here and say somethin’ sweet is a bit much for ya right now,” Angel Dust mused. He considered a moment before speaking again. “Ya know what? I’ll take whisky. It’ll be like old times.”

Alastor snapped and Angel Dust was holding a bottle of Whisky. Well, wasn’t that just nifty. “Old times, you say? Was this your drink of choice?”

“Choice is a strong word.” Angel Dust uncapped the bottle and took a swig, the liquor burning his throat like a trail of fire.

Alastor’s smile turned inquisitive. “If you don’t like it, then why do you drink it?”

Angel Dust shrugged, taking another sip. Damn that was strong. “Habit. Ya gotta look tough when you’re in the mafia, ya know? Tough guys don’t drink frou-frou stuff.”

Alastor’s brows arched in surprise. “The mafia? You?”

Angel Dust sighed. This motherfucker. “I swear, you gotta be the one person in hell who don’t know. Yeah, I was a mobster before I died. That was my whole schtick. Just ‘cause Val don’t let me out on jobs doesn’t mean I don’t still got it.”

“The mafia…” Alastor mused, vacant stare drawn to his empty bottle. “I suppose, then, you have quite the body count.”

“What?” Angel Dust glanced over, taken off guard by the question. “Uh… yeah, I mean, I’ve killed people. Why?”

Alastor hummed, taking a sip from the now not empty bottle. When did that happen? “I supposed I just never pegged you for the type is all.”

“Not sure if I should be flattered or offended,” Angel Dust snorted.

“Probably both.” Alastor’s smile had a hint of fondness that Angel Dust wasn’t ready for. “Honestly, it’s an appealing thought.”

Angel Dust cocked a brow. “What, me killin’ people?”

Alastor nodded. “Quite. It was my specialty, after all.”

“Oh yeah?” Angel Dust took another swig, this one a bit longer. The soft haze of intoxication was beginning to mask the bitter tang of his drink. “Vaggie told me ya caused a lot of demons a lot of trouble. Blood and carnage and all that.”

“No no, not here,” Alastor waved him off, then paused. “...well, yes here, but that’s not what I was talking about. In life, I mean.”

Angel Dust froze mid-drink. In life? He put the bottle down and swallowed, glancing over at Alastor’s thoughtful expression. He could be wrong, but that one little tidbit of information was probably more than anyone else in the history of hell had ever gotten from the infamous radio demon. He was “shrouded in mystery”, as Vaggie had told him several times. “That, uh… that so?”

“Oh yes.” Alastor took another sip, wavering a bit. A responsible drinking partner would have taken his Courvoisier away and given him some water by now, as he was clearly drunk enough. Good thing he was with Angel Dust. “I was quite the prolific serial killer in my day. Sooo many bodies…”

Angel Dust found himself frozen, transfixed by the information he was being given and silently praying for Alastor to continue. Any insight to the enigma that was the radio demon was more than welcome. “That uh… that so?”

“Oh yes.” Alastor traced the pad of his thumb around the rim of his bottle, lost in his own thoughts. “Especially in the 20s. You know, you can read all the anatomy books you’d like, but nothing will ever teach you so much as having a corpse right in front of you.”

“...oh yeah?” Angel Dust was now wondering if he should have drank more to prepare for this conversation, because if Alastor admitted he was a necrophiliac he was going to lose his shit.

Alastor took another sip out of his bottle before nodding. “Believe me, I would know. For example, did you know that the eyes don’t close on their own, and if you attempt to force them they just open again? Or that the blood will pool to whatever side you leave the body on?” A dangerous smile played on his lips at the memories. “Or that the dead can sit straight up due to a misfire of nerves, very much startling the poor, unsuspecting serial killer chopping them to bits?”

Angel Dust felt himself relax a bit. Okay, not a necrophiliac, just a psycho. He could work with that. “Huh. I knew the eye thing, but not the other stuff. Got any other weird shit to share?”

Alastor looked up at him, absolutely delighted at his interest. “Oh, I most certainly do! I do hope you don’t have anywhere to be, because I could talk about this all night.”

Angel Dust let out a light laugh, setting his bottle down. No, he wanted to be sober for this. Or, at least as sober as he could be with what he already had. Alastor getting excited about someone listening to his weird-ass anatomy facts was oddly adorable, which was not something Angel Dust ever thought he would ever use to describe Alastor. “Go ahead, lay it on me.”

-xxx-

When Alastor said all night, he wasn’t kidding. Angel Dust glanced at the pocket watch Alastor had discarded onto the nightstand some time before. He groaned when he saw that it was just after four in the morning. Knowing Charlie, she was going to be getting him up bright and early. That would give him maybe a few hours of sleep, if he was lucky and could actually fall asleep fairly quickly.

That was, if he could even make it to his room.

Alastor had slumped over and passed out a few moments prior. That in of itself wasn’t all that strange, he had been more that drunk enough to pass out. If anything, with how many times Angel Dust suspected he had refilled that bottle of Courvoisier, he should have been out much sooner. No, the predicament Angel Dust found himself in had to do with where Alastor had passed out. Angel Dust was currently trapped, with Alastor clinging to his waist and nuzzling his shoulder. He wasn’t sure how exactly he should handle this. The smart thing to do would probably be to gently wake Alastor up, get him off, and pray that he didn’t remember any of it in the morning as he made his way to his own room. However, Alastor was surprisingly warm, and oh so comfortable…

A soft murmur caught his attention and Angel Dust looked down, just in time to catch Alastor mumbling in his sleep and a faint, genuine smile playing across his lips. Whatever he was dreaming about, one thing was for sure. He was damn adorable, and Angel Dust would hate to disturb him.

Well, shit. It looked like his mind was made up for him.

Angel Dust carefully lowered both of them so they were lying down, thanking any deity above that he had somehow managed to do so without waking Alastor. He shifted just a moment to get comfortable before relaxing a soft sigh. Yeah, okay, this was nice. Angel Dust closed his eyes, and let himself bask in this temporary moment of bliss.

He could worry about the consequences later. For now, for this moment, it was worth it.

[maximusthewolfe]

I just need to talk about the mosaic kiss for a minute, okay? I was encouraged to do so by @coldwaughtersquentin​ (who blessedly made these gifs for me to include and is actually the best)  and @ahundredloveboats​ sooo, buckle up ladies and gents, let’s take a walk down adorable, mushy, emotional memory lane together, shall we? 

Here’s the thing. I love everything about this kiss, from Quentin’s and Eliot’s perspectives. I’ll probably focus a little more on Eliot here because he’s my child and I adore him endlessly, but you’re crazy if you think I’m not also going to go bonkers over the sweet bravery that is Q making this first move. 

The way Quentin talks himself up, mentally, to do things he wants has always been adorable to me, but here you can see him just thinking, Do it, Coldwater. Do it before you don’t, and spend the next six months wondering why the hell you didn’t do it. And don’t even get me STARTED in “Hey. Hey.” Because “Hey” has never sounded more like “I think I might love you” in my entire life than it does when those two exchange it softly, like a casual greeting even though they’ve been sitting next to each other and chatting for probably a couple of hours. 

And then he nervously starts to try and explain himself. “I, um -” and he realizes, if I try to talk about it, I’m not going to do it. So instead of waiting, or overanalyzing or making some stuttery, beautiful, heartfelt speech about how he didn’t expect the last year to mean so much to him, and how he didn’t expect Eliot to mean so much to him when they started, but now he does, and so, would it be okay if he, you know, kissed him?? He just does it. He goes in, like Now or never, Coldwater. And never’s not an option. 

And then Eliot. God, sweet, “confident” Eliot. The way he looks so dazed when Quentin pulls away. The softness in his face (don’t get me STARTED on those eyelashes, folks), the slowest blink in the history of blinks. Eliot wasn’t expecting this. He probably made jokes about it, about it being just the two of them, about getting stir-crazy, about falling into bed with each other, the kind of flippant, sexual jokes he always makes, especially when he doesn’t want to be seen, but he never really expected anything to come of it. I mean look at the way his eyebrows shoot up into his hairline. El is so clearly taken aback, in the best way. He takes a minute, with half-open eyes, to internalize the feeling of Quentin’s lips against his own, realizing in this exact moment how many times he’s thought about this without really letting himself think about it. And then, when he lets himself think about it, it’s a revelation. It’s Oh. OH. Oh, Finally. 

And Quentin pulls away, maintaining eye contact, being brave. But he doesn’t say anything - words have never really been his strong suit, anyway. He just looks at him, purses his lips in this little self-conscious smile that says Your move, Waugh. But he’s not defeated. He’s hopeful, he has the feeling of that quick kiss to lean on, the way Eliot looks like he’s actually been affected by something, for once in his life, to sink into. He has reasons to believe that this move might just work out in his favor. And after a quest that has sent them in a thousand directions, only half of which seem to yield the desired result, that feels pretty damn good. 

This. Two things about this. The first, which I know has been discussed at length but is WORTH mentioning again, is the little hand flip that Q does, the tiny, nervous gesture that speaks to the fact that even with those reasons to believe, he’s still insecure, still unsure. Well, I did that, it says. It’s out there. I kissed you and I can’t un-kiss you, so what’s next? And then there’s Eliot. Eliot, who immediately leans in, reassuring, to cover Quentin’s hand with his own. And I have a theory about this, about why he’s so quick to tell Q, in a physical way, that hey, it’s ok. Because he grew up in small town Indiana. He was ridiculed, constantly, for who he was, shouted at and told he was worthless by his own father. But here’s the thing about being visibly queer in a small, rural community like that - you become a magnet, for anyone else questioning their sexuality. So I have a headcanon that Eliot, well, he’s done this before. He’s been “the experiment” for the “straight guy.” It’s familiar territory. (And YES, Quentin is bisexual, but as we all know Eliot has some internalize biphobia he needs to work through so if we’re talking about Eliot’s POV here, which we are, I think that’s worth mentioning.) 

But then he covers his hand completely, brushes the back of Q’s so tenderly I could die about that alone. It’s this silent reminder that Hey, I’m here, Q. It’s just you and me. And it’s an allowance, too, a door Eliot lets himself open, to be okay with this, at least in this moment, meaning what it means to him, as he brings his hand up to Quentin’s face. And the microexpressions here, how Quentin adjusts his body, leaning in ever so slightly, already positioning his head in anticipation of Eliot kissing him back. Their bodies are so in tune here it’s like this gorgeous, tiny dance. 

Eliot leans in, wrapping his hand around the back of Quentin’s neck. And you all KNOW he did the thumb swipe across Quentin’s cheek approximately .2 seconds after this shot ended. There is this open vulnerability in Eliot’s face here, this quiet sensuality, in the small smile on his face. The tiny lower lip bite that likely murders Q as much as it murders me. The way his eyes flit down to Quentin’s lips as he leans in. It’s so soft, and sweet, and beautiful. It’s You bet your ass we’re doing this, Coldwater. It’s I’ve been waiting for this. It’s Me, too. 

And the kiss. THE KISS. The way Eliot’s eyes stay open for a half a second and then they slide shut, and he sinks into it, holding Q close. Eliot knows, that they aren’t planning on being here much longer. He said it himself when he offered the toast: “To our first, and last, year at this thing.” But that doesn’t matter. Because even if they figure it out tomorrow, Eliot wants this moment to have happened between them. He wants to remember the feeling of losing himself in Quentin’s kiss, he wants to memorize the way Quentin’s hair feels brushing against the back of his hand, the way he tastes like bad Fillorian wine and sunshine from a day spent working hard at the mosaic and a tiny bit of smoke from the torches they light every night. He never wants to forget exactly what it felt like when, for even just a moment, Quentin Coldwater was his. Quentin wanted him, and Eliot wanted him, too, and they both let themselves, for once, hold the thing they really wanted in their hands without being terrified of breaking it.