#it’s more committed than a typical platonic relationship but the distinction between platonic and romantic doesn’t matter

[echojedis]

Thinking about how Pacific Rim focuses entirely on the importance of platonic relationships

[thunder-pride]

Although aromanticism and asexuality are distinct orientations, they are similar in that both describe a lack of attraction and are both spectra with many flavours.

Aromantic people (or aro) experience a lack of romantic attraction in some way and asexual people (or ace) experience a lack of sexual attraction. Some people are aroace, while others are aromantic while experiencing sexual attraction, while others are asexual and still experience romantic attraction.

Some common varieties on the aro and ace spectra are listed below. In each case the description applies to romantic attraction for arospec and to sexual attraction for aspec.

Demi- : Someone who experiences attraction only once an emotional connection with another person is established.

Gray- : Someone who rarely experiences attraction

Litho- : Someone who may experience attraction but is either uncomfortable with its reciprocation or or loses their attraction if it is reciprocated

Cupio- : Someone who doesn’t experience attraction but still desires a relationship which incorporates this aspect

-flux/-fluid : Someone whose attraction fluctuates over time

Varieties are often known as “micro-labels” and are not used by everyone.

Ace and aro people also have varying levels of comfort with sex and romance itself. This is most commonly categorised into three broad groups:

(romance/sex) -favourable

(romance/sex) -indifferent

(romance/sex) -repulsion

These are distinct from the concepts of sex-positivity and sex-negativity, which are social and cultural perspectives that reflect on a wide range of sentiments like attitudes towards sex work or sex education. See more here.

Queerplatonic Relationships (QPRs)

QPRs are typically a deeply commited platonic relationship which typically involves at least one aro or ace partner, but can form between people of any romantic and sexual orientation. They can include physical intimacy, sharing assets and resources, even marriage if both partners want legal recognition of the relationship. QPRs are an important part of aro and ace culture and worth diving into to learn more about when writing an aro character. That being said, not all aro people have or want to be a part of a QPR so this is not a requirement.

Three Dos and Don’ts

DO

…celebrate the relationships the character chooses to form

…consider how the character chooses to showcase affection and love

…think about how the character’s experience is shaped by their lack of attraction

DON’T

…try to “fix” the character by giving them a partner contrary to their attraction and desires

…imply that platonic relationships are “less than” romantic relationships

…conflate sex-negative attitudes and sex-repulsion

Helpful links for further reading!

[Writing Ace and Aro Characters With Confidence] by J R Hart; 6-8 min reading time

[Going Over the Rainbow: Aromantic] by Bran Lindy Ayres; 3-5 min reading time

[Queerplatonic Relationships: A New Term for an Old Custom] by Stefani Goerlich for Psychology Today; 3-4 min reading time

And just for fun…

[50+ amazing asexual and aromantic reads for A-spec August] compiled by Ellie and Imi of Beyond a Bookshelf; 17-22 min reading time

[bonesandblood-sunandmoon]

Polyplatonic, but Open

Carnival of Aros - Aug 2019 - “Relationships” from The Aro Anarchist on WP [Link to Call for Submissions].

What does an ideal relationship look like to you?

What a coincidence that I posted something back in April in response to the implication that I have one ideal relationship [link to the untitled post]. By this point, I can’t pinpoint an exact year where I first heard about polyamory, but I’ve been using poly-flexible long enough that I struggle with trying put all of my potentially conflicting needs onto the shoulders of one partner.

This doesn’t mean I have to have a minimum of a certain number of partners, and I honestly may find that spoons drastically affect the point where I get polysaturated after trying polyamory out. It’s rather noticeable in trying to explain the conflicting people of that hypothetical group, but whether there’s a sexual drive or romance drive involved, those two typically aren’t combined and directed at one person. Or to put it another way, I don’t default to wanting to have a romantic and sexual relationship with the same individual. (Unless the planets and stars align just so? But I can’t really predict if or when that might happen; so, it’s safer to err on the side of it probably not happening.)

In hindsight, I think knowing about appromour [link] and wavership [link] would’ve changed how I approached hypothetical Person E (QPP) when I first wrote that post. But the gist still stands that I’m open to doing activities a partner feels is romantic and/or others may read as romantic, even if I’m not sure I can differentiate romantic and platonic.

Do you consider yourself polyamorous or a relationship anarchist? What do those words mean to you as an aromantic person?

In my response to June’s CoA prompt (Imagine A World Without Amatonormativity [Link]), I mentioned that I first encountered amatonormativity from polyam discussions. I don’t quite feel confident in saying that I’m definitely polyamorous when I haven’t had actual experience with more than one relationship, so I’ve stuck with poly-flexible. Honestly, the realization that I’m somewhere in the aro spectrum/umbrella is still new enough that I’m more likely to consider myself a polyam person approaching the aro community.

While I can understand some of the foundational theory where relationship anarchists operate from, I actually haven’t really sought out solely RA (and not overlapping with polyamory) circles. It doesn’t come down to some sort of difference of ideas, opinions, or whatever that might sound reasonable. I just got the shitty luck of the first relationship anarchist I interacted with being someone I didn’t want to interact with any further so I avoided their circles, which extended to RA at the time.

These days, particularly on tumblr, it’s a bit of a coin toss in that I’ve typically found those who overlap polyam and RA in some way. Sometimes, it’s as simple as personally following an RA structure but interacting and tagging polyam because it is/was a larger community or had more frequented tags. For me, leaning into RA doesn’t seem to have room for allo friends who don’t want to fall into amatonormativity but aren’t really committed to RA themselves. RA doesn’t seem like a one-way endeavor, y’know?

How do you feel about various models that a-spec communities have come up with to talk about non-traditional relationships?

I suspect I tried so hard to poke at whether I might want a queerplatonic partner as Person E had to do with QPRs being the most commonly referenced non-traditional relationship model I’ve run into. It’s quite likely they still serve a need, or we probably would’ve abandoned this terminology, but sometimes, I have the distinct feeling that the vague, open spaces for what “queering a platonic relationship” looks like is a tad too vague and open for some people.

Honestly, I feel like I’m treading water with keeping up on friendship maintenance (particularly as it’s moved from in-person daily interaction from school environments to solely LDR/online spaces), and I haven’t really had the spoons for poking at non-traditional relationships. I have friends who I consider Important People, but that doesn’t mean it’s any easier keeping in touch, let alone asking allo friends about whether they’re comfortable doing xyz that’s different from what they’re used to doing in friendships.

Not to mention that bridging the allo to a-spec gap in a friendship isn’t exactly the same as trying to ask about non-traditional relationships. It’s one thing to be like ‘hey friend, do you mind if I do x or say z?’, but once things start to stray too non-traditional, it gets into educational territory and explaining that I’m not trying to date them. (Or force polyam on them, break up their relationship, encourage cheating, etc. Have you had an allo explain what an emotional affair was to you? 10/10 don’t recommend.)

-

tl;dr While I can understand some of the foundations of relationship anarchy, I’m more likely to describe myself as poly-flexible due to longer exposure to polyamory circles. In theory, being able to split different attraction drives between a group of people works better than putting everything on one person’s shoulders, but realistically, I’m not sure if I’ll have the spoons for that in the near future, particularly when you take into account friendship maintenance spoons.

[theclaravoyant]

hi! I was wondering about aromanticism a little bit. I feel like I'm just confused about drawing the line (if there even is a truly distinct line) between a platonic relationship and an exclusive relationship where one or more members are aromantic but are sexually attracted to each other? I feel like the desire for intimate nonsexual touching like a hand on a cheek or forehead kisses is romantic and something I don't do with even my closest friends, but other ppl consider those things platonic.

(2/2) sometimes ppl say I'm too picky bc I don't tend to have frequent romantic crushes but I feel like my romantic attraction stems from friendship. not totally sure where the line is but I feel like the defining thing might be desire to commit to the other person. what is it called if the aromantic party in a relationship doesn't want their romantic partner to have a romantic (not platonic) attachment to someone else? sorry if this ask makes no sense but thanks in advance!

-

Hi! Thanks for the ask.

For sure, it is a difficult line to draw no matter what your orientation is. I actually don’t consider myself aro, so I’ll open this to the floor for input by people with more experience than myself, but for what its worth here are my two cents:

I feel like I'm just confused about drawing the line (...) between a platonic relationship and an exclusive relationship where one or more members are aromantic but are sexually attracted to each other

A lot of this comes down to the definition between the people involved, but basically: the average platonic relationship doesn’t involve sexual attraction. If there is platonic friendship and sexual attraction both present, but not romantic love, this might be a “friends with benefits” situation - which is almost always not exclusive - or, it might be something akin to a “queerplatonic” relationship.

A queerplatonic relationship is a defined/established and often exclusive relationship that people outside the relationship may observe as a romantic relationship. It is usually a couple, though it can be a group, of people who feel a strong commitment to each other without a sense of romantic love. Again, the platonic/romantic line is up to the people involved to discover for themselves, but essentially a QP is a particularly strong or deep friendship often associated with the desire to do things together that romantic couples would usually do, from sometimes involving cuddling and/or sex, through to living together and raising pets or even children together. This is why it can be very difficult to draw lines - all the lines are in our own hearts and minds!

I feel like the desire for intimate nonsexual touching like a hand on a cheek or forehead kisses is romantic and something I don't do with even my closest friends, but other ppl consider those things platonic.

This is a common thing to feel, I think. Everybody has different comfort levels and different behaviours. For example, in some Polynesian cultures, forehead touching is a common platonic greeting whereas a lot of Western folk would see it as quite an intimate, usually romantic thing. It’s up to you to explore within yourself whether that is a comfort level or practice, or an orientation (and these things often overlap; different people and cultures have different experiences of sexuality and gender for reasons far beyond our comprehension. What you feel and how you choose to label it is very personal, though exploring other peoples’ personal stories can help you navigate).

Personally, I would see those acts or the desire for them as romantic, but not inherently sexual. I notice that you have not distinguished sexual desire/love in your question. If you have perhaps combined it into your definition of romantic love, it may be helpful for you to consider them separately. They often coexist, but not necessarily. If you are interested in exploring your own orientation or relationships, consider aromanticism and asexuality. It may be that you in fact feel strong romantic attraction, but little sexual attraction, which may be the source of some of your confusion.

sometimes ppl say I'm too picky bc I don't tend to have frequent romantic crushes but I feel like my romantic attraction stems from friendship. 

Again, this is a very common thing. In fact, in my opinion, the best and healthiest romantic attraction/relationships - especially as distinct from sexual attraction - stem from friendship on some level; otherwise, you’re probably falling for someone you don’t know or over-romanticising them which can cause trouble down the line.

This is another point toward exploring romantic and sexual attraction separately. Many “crushes” are based on physical / sexual attraction on some level, moreso than friendship, as they tend to be related to people we don’t know well. If you feel like you don’t really develop a “crush” on someone unless you know them (or feel like you do, eg. ‘knowing’ a character on a TV show might allow you to crush on that character and/or their actor) & have developed a friendship with them, you might want to look into demisexuality. It is on the ace (asexual) rather than aro spectrum but it sounds like something that might relate to your experience.

I feel like the defining thing might be desire to commit to the other person. what is it called if the aromantic party in a relationship doesn't want their partner to have a romantic (not platonic) attachment to someone else

Both of what you’re referring to here comes under “queerplatonic”. As mentioned above it is a relationship that often looks like a romantic couple, but based on internal definition by the parties involved, is not actually a romantic relationship. From my research, the defining factor was commonly described as “a desire to spend one’s lives together” (but without romantic attraction). If you’re asking based on my fic Peas in a Pod, the reality is that QPs are very much like romantic relationships in the way that they, including their exclusivity, are defined by the people involved. How FitzSimmons define their QP is definitely not representative of all QPs and in fact, due to the highly committed nature of a QP, above and beyond a typical friendship, a significant majority of QPs are exclusive, just like many monogamous and even polyamorous romantic relationships.

*a slightly more complex note, if the aromantic party doesn’t want their partner to have a relationship with someone else, but the other person does want one, that’s an issue that the couple has to sort out and they may not be right for each other if that is the case. However, they can mutually agree to be exclusive, or potentially agree upon a polyamorous arrangement that balances their desires. In this case, the party with one aromantic partner and one romantic partner might identify themselves as part of both a QP, and a romantic couple, while the aromantic partner would only consider themselves part of the QP and the third party, only part of the romantic couple.

-

Long story short: the line between platonic and romantic attraction is a difficult one, and we’ve been writing poems and novels and rom-coms about it for years, but in the end it’s up to each of us within ourselves. Separating platonic, romantic, and sexual attraction from each other can be helpful in exploring this and in particular, demisexuality is something you may wish to look into further, as are queerplatonic relationships. 

If you would like more information or resources, Jemma Simmons explores aromanticism in this fic, and I have included a lot of my research as well as sources themselves throughout. I’ve also been told that the narrative-ish format makes things easier to digest, for people who are exploring the subject.

I am but a humble fic writer so that’s what I have to offer, but if you’re thinking about aromanticism I recommend seeking out some aro bloggers who might help you out. Some that I know of include @unlessimwrongwhichyouknowimnot @just-a-funny-little-brain and @buskidsburgade. They may be willing to chat or direct you two some more aro (& maybe ace, if you think the ace spectrum might also be relevant to you) resources. And, of course, I am happy to help in any way I can.

[a-dinosaur-a-day]

gryfftech replied to your post “And with that, #Raptormonth and #Birds are Dinosaurs Week are over!”

I feel so out of it, I don't know what half of those terms are. But I still support this month!

I actually really love defining stuff, so @gryfftech, prepare yourself for some rad definitions under the cut

Gay - an umbrella term that applies to anyone who exclusively is attracted to the same gender as themself; however, is often used for men/partial men (such as demiboys) who fit this condition. 

Achillean - Men who are attracted to other Men (mlm) (also applies to nonbinary people who identify at least partially with Man and apply this label to themselves) 

Lesbian - "A person who is a woman or partially a woman who feels attraction, be it romantic and/or sexual, to other women and partial women.” 

Sapphic - Women who are attracted to other Women (wlw) (also applies to nonbinary people who identify at least partially with Woman and apply this label to themselves) 

Andro/Masc/Masexual/romantic - When one is attracted to men and/or masculine genders/individuals (these types of orientations are useful for nonbinary people who don’t want to use the terms gay or straight) 

Gyne/Fem/Womasexual/romantic - When one is attracted to women and/or feminine genders/individuals 

Diamoric - A flexible term that has two different definitions:  1) A nonbinary person who prioritizes nonbinary people and nonbinary partnerships in their life  2) A relationship that involves at least one nonbinary individual (even if one of the people involved is binary) 

Enbian - A nonbinary person attracted to other nonbinary people (nblnb) (like sapphic & achillean) 

Ceterosexual/romantic - Someone who is exclusively attracted to nonbinary genders (really only usable by nonbinary people) 

Bisexual/romantic - Someone who is attracted to two or more genders 

Polysexual/romantic - Someone who is attracted to three or more genders, or all genders to the exclusion of one, etc. 

Pansexual/romantic - Someone who is attracted to all genders, or attracted to people independent of gender 

Multisexual/romantic - Someone who is attracted to multiple genders; or a term used for the entire community of people who fit this description (bi, poly, pan, etc.) 

Pluralian - An umbrella term for people who are attracted to more than one gender; one who prioritizes, or is proud of, all the genders to whom they are attracted equally; one who celebrates their multiple attraction; the community of people who are attracted to more than one gender; a descriptor of the attraction someone who is attracted to multiple genders feels towards anyone of any gender -> a term that is similar/aligns with “sapphic” and “achillean” and “enbian,” and can be used as a replacement for words such as gay, straight, and diamoric when pluralian/mspec people describe their attraction towards other people 

Asexual - Someone who does not experience sexual attraction 

Graysexual - Someone who experiences sexual attraction less so/differently than others 

Demisexual - Someone who only experiences sexual attraction once they have formed a deep emotional connection with someone else 

Aromantic - Someone who does not experience romantic attraction

Grayromantic - Someone who experiences romantic attraction less so/differently than others

Demiromantic - Someone who only experiences romantic attraction once they have formed a deep emotional connection with someone else 

Akoi/Lithsexual/romantic - Someone who feels attraction but it fades when reciprocated, or when a relationship is entered, or a person who feels attraction but has no desire to have the feelings reciprocated 

Intersex - An individual whose biological characteristics do not fit into the biological models of male and female 

Trans - An individual who does not completely, no-holes-barred identify with the gender they were assigned at birth 

Nonbinary - An individual who identifies with a gender outside of the societal binary of man/woman; used as both an umbrella term as well as just a gender in and of itself

Genderqueer - An individual with a gender identity outside of the gender binary, or with an identity other than man and woman (yes, this is very similar to nonbinary) 

Maverique - A gender characterized by autonomy and inner conviction that is entirely independent of male, female, or anything derived from the binary genders which is not without gender or a neutral gender; a distinct and firm Other Gender 

Agender - Someone who does not have a gender/experiences no gender whatsoever

Neutrois - Someone who has a neutral or null gender

Genderless - Someone without gender, or with a neutral or null gender, etc. (all three of these have a lot of overlap) 

Genderfluid - Someone whose gender changes over time, or has a gender identity that changes 

Genderflux - Someone who experiences shifts or changes in the intensity of their gender 

Demigirl - Someone who is in part, but not entirely, a girl/experiences the woman gender only in part 

Demiboy - Someone who is in part, but not entirely, a boy/experiences the man gender only in part 

Demifluid - Someone who is in part, but not entirely, genderfluid

Deminonbinary - Someone who is in part, but not entirely, Nonbinary 

Proxvir - A gender relative to male, but is something separate and entirely on it’s own 

Juxera - A gender relative to female, but is something separate and entirely on it’s own 

Xenogender - A gender that cannot be defined in terms of the male/female gender binary or any typical terms that are used to describe gender; and is thus described utilizing other terms (such as descriptors of nature, music, etc.) 

Graygender - A weak or indeterminant nonbinary gender, or an individual who is not invested in their gender

Cassgender - A gender identity that one feels is unimportant, or someone who is indifferent to the idea of gender 

Bigender - Someone who is two genders at once, or has two distinct gender identities 

Trigender - Someone who is three genders at once, or has three distinct gender identities 

Polygender - Someone who has multiple/many genders at once 

Alterous - An attraction that is not entirely or completely platonic or romantic, and is best described as wanting emotional closeness without necessarily being platonic and/or romantic 

Queerplatonic - A relationship that is not romantic, but involves a close emotional connection beyond what most people consider friendship/best-friendship; there is also a commitment level similar to a romantic relationship, where people partner up, oftentimes for their whole lives, to go through life together. 

Quoioromantic - When someone experiences something between romantic and platonic attraction, but doesn’t know what romantic attraction feels like and doesn’t know if they experiences, or just can’t differentiate between the two

Polyamorous - When someone does not desire to be in a relationship with only one other person. This often applies to the LGBTQ+ community and LGBTQ+ people are often polyamorous, so it was included here (I also am inclined to just include the term in the general community anyway, but that’s Discourse™ so I’ll leave it at that). 

Hopefully that helps!