#it’s literally about hot dogs i don’t even remember the name i’ve a headache

[bibleofficial]

jamie loftus … my beloved bestie …., i just listen to the bechdel cast & become reinvigorated ‼️

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #367

“i should warn you that you may fuck me, but chances are i’m gonna fuck you over”

Where was the last place you went for vacation? The beach. When was the last time you wore makeup? Halloween. Do you watch soaps or drama series? If so, which ones? Not currently. What’s your favourite tomato variety? I hate tomatoes. What was your very first pet like? Dad had a dog named Trigger when I was born, but I have no memory of her, so I'm excluding her. I consider our first family pet to be Chance, a cat my mom took in after finding her literally in the trash. She was... god, incredible. She was a loyal friend, and I can imagine no greater mother than she was (she legit fought off a rottweiler head-on to protect her kittens). She was so smart, so gentle, and just simply amazing. I'll always miss her. What was the best school project you remember doing? Looking back, despite the fact it TERRIFIED me before, that would be my senior project presentation. It was about snake misconceptions and fallacies, so I made a slideshow to present to the special ed class. I made drawings for them to color, word searches, all that kind of stuff. They were just the sweetest and seemed really into it. What’s your favourite type of fish to eat? None. What kind of an old person do you think you’ll become? I really... don't like thinking about this. Like I'm weak enough now at 25, I can't imagine how my, say, 60s would be. I hope and just about pray that my physical health will improve, but I'm just going to exclude that part entirely from this answer. Personality-wise and such, I have a feeling I'll be the quiet and sweet kind, the one that loves her (hopeful) spouse like crazy, and comes most alive on Halloween if I live in a place where children come trick-or-treating. I imagine I would LOVE that. I'd love to be the type that goes on morning jogs to help stay spry. Which well-known person’s death shocked you the most, if any? Steve Irwin and Chester Bennington might be tied. Both were so, so sudden. Steve was like, invincible to my childhood eyes, and when I heard about Chester's death, I thought it was just a sick rumor. Two amazing people that died way too soon. What’s the craziest colour you’d dye your hair? That would depend on personal opinions. I want to dye my hair LOTS of colors though, if that tells you anything. What’s the coolest hobby one of your friends has? Uhhhh. Idk. Name a video game you can play over and over again: Shadow of the Colossus. It's a pretty short game if you know what you're doing, and it's super relaxing to me and just so goddamn pretty to look at. Every time I've played it has just been a pleasant experience. Do you like meatloaf? Yeah, it's fine. How about Meatloaf? I know who he is, but I've never really listened to his music. Do you take time to do charitable work? If so, what do you do? No. ;_; Especially with all the free time I have, I really should... What is something that will make you laugh instantly? Okay, don't ask, but if I for a SECOND see that commercial of Mr. Clean dancing while he's cleaning, I will die because of memories. What is something you hope you will never inherit from a specific relative? Diabetes. It runs heavily in my family. Name a movie you wouldn’t watch solely based on its name: The Human Centipede. No. Thank you. Have you ever played in a stack of hay bales? No. What’s your dearest souvenir? The stuffed moose I got at Cabela's during a visit to Ohio. I named him Brownie, and he was my "childhood plushie" we all have. Is there a lot of graffiti around your neighbourhood? Not in the actual area I live in, but there are DEFINITELY places where it's a pigsty of distasteful shit. Have you ever made your own soda? (Soda Stream doesn’t count!) No. Do you have a hobby that forces you out of the house? If so, what is it? Nature photography. Have you ever been part of a theater group? No, that stuff doesn't interest me. What’s the most ecological thing you do? We recycle, and I also use metal straws. Would you stop eating meat, if you had to raise and slaughter it yourself? Absolutely. There is no fucking way I could do it. What’s your favourite board game? Why do you like it best? I like Clue just because of the mystery-solving factor, and I think it's kinda cool how you can think ahead and use other's findings to your own advantage to win the game pretty early. Besides English, what other languages can you speak? Some German. It's gotten pretty weak with neglect, though. Besides English, what other languages can you read? I can read German well. What thing/person/happening has made you the happiest you’ve been? This is a complicated answer that I just don't feel like elaborating on. What’s the most freeing thing you’ve ever done? Letting Jason go. Have you ever had a restaurant dish that was made with bugs? If not, would you even want to try one? No, and I'm not interested. Have you ever tasted birch sap? No. How about the young buds/shoots of spruce trees? No. Which edible flowers have you tasted? Honeysuckles. What has been your worst restaurant experience? Well, it's a fast food restaurant, but lemme tell you about my vegetarian encounter with Burger King. I ordered their veggie burger. Which they have. It's not a secret. These idiots gave me a bun with tomato and lettuce, and I think mayo on it, after sounding confused when Mom was ordering for me. Mom went back in there of course to tell them, and oh god was the manager pissed, lol. I got my veggie burger in the end. What’s the most immature, adolescent thing that still makes you laugh? Some sexually inappropriate jokes can still get me sadly, lol. Have you ever had a life-threatening condition? If so, what was it? Not literally, but boy do I think depression counts. Do you ever compare your life to somebody else’s? If so, why? Y E P. I can't tell you why, I just... do it. I look at other's successes and am just like, "Why aren't I there yet?", and beat myself up about being a failure. What is a food item or a dish you absolutely cannot stand? Brussel sprouts, asparagus, runny eggs, many other things because I'm just mega picky. Have you ever had a custom print done on a shirt? If so, what was it? Just the spray paint kind that vendors like to do at the beach and stuff. I don't remember any I got, though. What does your favourite mug look like? It's black with a Markiplier quote on it, given to me by Sara. :') Do you ever read other people’s survey answers? Yeah! Friends', anyway. I love learning all the obscure things about them. Do you like daytime or night time better? Why? Daytime, specifically early morning, because it's better for my depression. Are you more comfortable as a leader or a follower? A follower that isn't afraid to speak up when I'm really against something. What is your favourite song right now at this very moment? I've been really into "7empest" by Tool lately, and the synthwave edit of "Voices" by Motionless In White. If you watched The Fresh Prince of Bel Air, who was your favourite character? I don't remember it well, but I think I liked the butler. Was there even a butler? Who was your first online friend? Emma. :') Do you have any plants in your home? No. If you wear makeup, what’s the most outrageous colour you use? I only ever use black. What was the last photograph you took? My cat being adorable while sleeping. <3 Have you ever submitted a video to Funniest Home Videos? No. What was the first sport you learned how to play? I want to say soccer? I absolutely hated it. Do you have a headache at the moment? Yes, actually. I've really been attacked by the Covid shot side effects. Are your parents still together? No, thank god. What was the last hot food you ate? I made a chicken and I think pesto (some Italian noodles, idk) Healthy Choice bowl for dinner last night. Have you ever seen a meteor shower? No. :( Do you ever feel afraid people will question your sanity? I'm sure people have before, and back then? Rightfully so. Which X Factor audition(s) was/were your favorite? Never watched it. Were you a straight A student in spelling and grammar? Always. It's so weird how it's gotten worse with time since leaving school, even though I write... Were you a straight A student in math? Yeah, no. I usually got Bs or Cs. What is your favorite shade of yellow? Pastel. I don't really like yellow. What is something you want to accomplish before you turn 30? Have a stable job. Are you afraid of getting yelled at? YES. Do you feel a connection to the moon? It's not something I think about, so not really, but I do believe all things in the universe are connected in some way. We are simply a part of nature, as all else is. What does your heart long for? Contentment in who I am and where I am in life. I know I also miss being in love. Do you know what your purpose in life is? We have no innate purpose; we make our own, and I want mine to be to show others that there is always hope for yourself in yourself, and also to spread the message of love of all animals. Did you decorate a pumpkin this year? Last year I didn't. I really should change that this go around. Have you ever seen a fox? Yes! They're a kind of rare sight here sadly, so when I had the opportunity to photograph a fox tragically as roadkill, it was a photographic experience I won't forget. God, I wanted to pet it (I obviously didn't), but I did talk to it about how beautiful (s)he was as I got some shots. I never had a harder time leaving one of those angels I've taken pictures of. Do you find Halloween fun or scary? FUN!!!!!! Is there anything about Halloween you find offensive? Not at all. What do the trees look like where you live? I mean, there's a variety, but the staple that you see literally everywhere are pine trees. What is your dream vacation? Somewhere with mountains, clear lakes, cool weather, beautiful and various wildlife... What was the best vacation you’ve been on so far? Disney World as a kid. What is the best class trip you’ve been on? The zoo in the 5th grade. It was the one occasion I got to see meerkats. Did you like field trips when you were a kid? I lived for them. Do you find museums boring or interesting? I find science museums to be very, very fascinating. Art ones are great, too. What are three issues you are passionate about? LGBT rights, the pro-choice movement, and wildlife conservation, to name a few. Would you ever wear a shirt with your country’s flag on it? No. I'm not patriotic enough at all. What size is your bed? Queen. What’s a medicine that makes you sleepy? When we were experimenting with my Klonopin dosage, I learned that 3mg was enough to knock me on my ASS. Do you like bath bombs? I mean they're pretty, but I wouldn't waste money on 'em. Who are your favorite small YouTubers? Yikes, a looooooot. But this also depends on what you think qualifies as "small." Most of my favorite "small" YTers are tarantula keepers or sub-1M let's players. Who are your favorite big YouTubers? Markiplier obviously, Snake Discovery, Good Mythical Morning (even if I don't watch them anymore, they are veeery dear to my heart and I will always support them), Sam & Colby... Again, there's a lot. When you don't watch TV and YT instead, you really get attached to a lot of them. What was your favorite girl group when you were growing up? Would you believe me if I said Pussycat Dolls? haha Do you like Disney movies? Um, DUH. Were you ever in the popular crowd? No. Have you ever used an outhouse? UGH, at like childhood sports games, yes. I could NEVER nowadays, oh my god. Could you possibly write a successful novel? I think I have the creativity to, but not the dedication. Are there any foods that make you gag? Beans, for one. I just canNOT with them. It's a completely involuntary reaction. Have you ever had blonde highlights in your hair? I think I did? Who was the last person you video-chatted with? The lady who was seeing if I qualified for TMS therapy. Do you think sleeve tattoos look trashy? Definitely not, I love those. If you had to get a portrait tattoo, who would it be of? I don't actually want one, but if I did, I'd go to a serious professional to get THE Darkiplier smile. :') If u know u know. Do you have any stickers on any of your electronic devices? No. Do you think half blonde/half dark brown hair is attractive? It looks great on some people, but it's not my favorite combo.

[feistypaants-archived]

Between The Pipes [Chapter 33]

Rating: M Words: 2860 Pairing: Kristanna Summary: When  a new owner takes over the Arendelle Ice Breakers, Kristoff isn’t sure  about his future with the team. That is, until a PR nightmare throws the  newest member of the media team, who also just so happens to be the  daughter of the new owner, right into his arms. Kristoff and Anna can’t  even stand the interviews they have to do together… how on earth are  they going to fix this mess? Hockey!AU.

[Chapter Index]

Where To Read: [AO3]

Notes: 🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰

Enjoy!

It was about ten days before Kristoff felt all of his symptoms had fully subsided. He had started going for jogs a couple of days ago, but anything more than that tended to bring the headache roaring back. So he continued to take it easy, go for a short jog in the morning, and only watch an hour of tapes per day. Anything longer than that hurt his head, too.

Anna had… not so slowly started moving her things in. She didn’t have much, but he told her to put her stuff wherever she wanted, that she could make this place as much hers as she wanted. And he genuinely meant it. His house had just been a house. He hadn’t put much thought into it beyond the comfort of his couch and bed. Decor was minimal, and everything was very much brown.

Maybe she could help him make it a home.

Her just being there already made it closer.

—

After four weeks, they broke her lease and she had officially moved in. They figured it would help her save some more in the long run, help her skate by for just a little longer, even if he told her over and over that she didn’t need to worry about money.

But Anna hadn’t wanted to start things out that way. She had some savings, and she could pay for things here and there, and she didn’t want him to feel like she was taking advantage. Kristoff assured her that he could never think that she was. But still, she insisted, and he told her that that was something he absolutely loved about her.

He had been able to start doing more normal exercises again. Working with the trainers was annoying, but there weren’t any headaches returning when he pushed himself like he used to. They told him if he could do this for a week without any symptoms popping up, he could get back on the ice. 

—

That week went by like a breeze, and Kristoff relished in the feel of crisp ice under his skates. There was no feeling better than being on the ice. He sighed with defeat as they told him they wanted to wait another week before they started firing pucks at him, but he grudgingly agreed. At least he was skating.

And then, even better, he got to come home and see Anna, her hair wrapped into a bun on top of her head as she sat with her knee to her chest, drawing in an almost full sketchbook, her tongue caught between her teeth. “Hi baby,” he smiled, his heart warming as she looked up at him and used the back of her hand to push hair from her eyes. He kissed her softly as he walked past, enjoying the pure domesticity of it all. “Have a good day?”

“Oh yes! I went to that cafe downtown that we like - you know, Oaken’s Mochas and Teas?” 

He always laughed at the name. So on the nose.

“And well, I noticed that they didn’t have any sort of logo or anything so… I don’t know. I just…” she blushed and spun around on the chair, dangling her legs off the side. “They know me and I figured what was the harm in asking - so I’m designing something for them now!”

His eyes widened and he took three steps forward to clear the gap between them, placing an enthusiastic kiss on her lips. “Anna, that’s so great.” 

“They’re paying me, too!” She was giggling against his mouth, and he couldn’t help but smile. “Remember how the last place wouldn’t pay? I took it because, you know, portfolio, but I offered for free, but they insisted.”

“I’m so proud of you, baby.”

Then her arms were around his neck and not letting go and she hummed low and slow, “how about you? Good day? Worn out?”

Oh. He was never too worn out for that.

He hoisted her up onto his hips, grinning like a madman as they moved backwards to his bedroom. Well, their bedroom. She never did sleep in the spare room.

—

He was growing slightly frustrated at the week-by-week status, but he knew this was his second head injury, and they wanted to be more careful this time around. But only progressing to the next step after a whole week was growing agonizing. At least he was doing non-contact now, grinning from ear to ear as he slapped each puck out of midair.

God it felt so fucking good to be back like this.

Anna had come with him today to spend some time with Honeymaren while they practiced, and he could hear her whooping from the stands. Every time he made a save, “that’s my baby!” Every time someone scored on him, “you’ll get it next time honey!”

It was the most endearing thing ever, as she jumped up and waved her hands in the air, as if it were an actual game. As if it weren’t just her in the stands, cheering him on during a practice.

God he loved her so much.

—

Finally they were letting him practice back in a regular jersey. No more no-contact. He was fortunate that goalies rarely got touched anyway, but now they guys weren’t holding back anymore. Slapshots and more risky wraparounds and pucks fired in a way that made him dive were becoming the norm again, and he felt so damn good with every puck he saved. 

Shot by shot, the rust was shaking off, and Kristoff felt ready to get back in a game. It was almost April, and he needed to be playoff ready. They had promised him he’d be back in by March 20th, which gave him a little under three weeks of in-game play before the playoffs started. They were so close to a playoff spot, and he knew that he could help them win it.

But he wouldn’t rush, and he was going to trust the physicians on staff, and take it slow. 

If for no other reason than Anna.

He knew she was worried about him getting back in. But they weren’t playing the Stallions yet - they had at least until the Eastern Conference, and by then he would undoubtedly be a one hundred percent. Plus, the guys had his back, and, he couldn’t help but laugh about it, Warren had been scratched for the rest of the season. Coach’s decision.

—

Right on the promised date, Kristoff was starting in net against Tampa, and the literal electricity in the arena had him amped up beyond belief. Their whole team was working together like a well oiled machine, and he hadn’t realized what a vital cog he was to the whole operation until he had been gone. Even if it had just been in practice, he already felt the connection, and he knew this game would be easily won.

Anna had threatened him with an indefinite withhold if he didn’t let her come on the roadie, so she was up in their box, undoubtedly screaming along to every play, and just knowing she was in the arena made his game that much better. 

They won, 5-2, and dog-piled in the middle of the arena as they clinched their playoff spot.

Fuck. This was still the best feeling in the world.

—

The rest of the season went by in a flash, and before they knew it, the Ice Breakers were facing New York in round one. It felt so easy now as they swept the round, and had extra days for recovery. 

The Stallions lost against Boston. 

It had been a weird moment, celebrating someone else’s loss, but Anna had come home with two bottles of champagne and they popped bottles and got a little drunk and Anna had taken him to bed and all right, he might be okay with celebrating another’s loss if it meant he got this. Plus, it was the team that almost took him out for the end of the season.

Yeah, he was okay with celebrating.

Philadelphia was a harder won match. They liked to play dirty. It went to game seven before they finally secured the win, and they all felt the tiring ache of it. Kristoff hated going to game seven - it meant they only had two days to recuperate before the next match started. 

But Anna had drawn him a hot bath, had snuck in to lay on his chest while he relaxed, and scratched her fingers against his chin as she waxed poetic about playoff beards and how maybe he should just keep it and then her hands sunk a little lower, and he was suddenly feeling a lot more prepared for the Conference finals.

He genuinely thought they might lose to Toronto. They lost the first two. Won the third. Lost the fourth, and if they didn’t win all three of the remaining games, they were out.

It was close. God it was so fucking close. 

Game seven. They were 3-3. Sudden death overtime. It looked like it might head into double overtime, with only eighteen seconds on the clock, but then --

Pederson scores! Ice Breakers win!!!! 

Thank fuck.

—

Anna was there for every game. Every win, every loss, she was there. And he knew he wasn’t being a good boyfriend right now, he knew that he was too focused on his career right now and this was what he had been so fucking concerned about from the beginning.

But after game two against Nashville, which they lost miserably, Kristoff was sulking on the couch watching tapes to figure out where they kept scoring on him, and Anna wrapped soft arms around his neck. 

“Hey,” she hummed, not even reacting to his short, irritated reply. “I just want you to know… How proud I am of you.”

That got his attention. 

“You had a really traumatic thing happen, and you bounced right back from it, and you’ve been playing so hard, and so well, and… There’s no fear, and that’s amazing.” He let one hand raise to her arm, stroking his thumb across her skin.

“I love you so much,” he muttered, tilting his head back to look up at her. “I’m sorry if I’ve been a bad boyfriend.”

“I know,” she smiled, placing one quick kiss against his lips. “And you haven’t. I can deal with your job being most important for two months of the year.”

“You love me still?”

“More every day.”

He felt more confident in game three. And four. And then they were up three to one, and only needed one more fucking win to win the whole damn thing. 

—

They were in Nashville and Anna was lamenting the fact that they didn’t have the time to actually see the city this week, and Kristoff pulled her close and told her if they won tonight they could stay here as long as she wanted and see everything she could possibly think of. She blushed and kissed him and told him that he better bring his A game, because she was holding him to it and would be horribly disappointed if they had to fly back home tonight.

That was an extra motivation.

They arrived at the arena early, amazed at the crowd already forming and the insane energy just surrounding the building. Playoff hockey was a whole other world, and he was so ecstatic that Anna was getting to experience it by his side. He kissed her deeply before she had to head up to the box and him to the locker room, with a quick squeeze of her bottom and a laugh.

“Hey!”

“It’s for luck!!”

Anna swatted at him but grinned as she followed Jelissa up the stairs to the visiting team’s box, laughing with the blonde about their stupid men and how on earth do we put up with them and Kristoff tuned out the rest before he heard something he didn’t want to. Then he turned his focus to the game.

“Men!” Sven hollered, his voice booming through the locker room. “This game is do or die. We’re ahead, but you better not let that cockiness mess with your game.”

Kristoff couldn’t help but smile. His best friend had perfectly honed his skill of making a speech lighthearted but also motivating. The team followed him into fire, and Kristoff had always admired him for it. When Sven wrapped it up and hopped down from his perch, Kristoff held out a hand, gripped his best friends’ and knocked their helmets together.

“Captain.”

“We win together or we die together, brother.”

Kristoff almost laughed at the drama of it all. “Calm down, Aragorn.”

Sven was silent for a moment. “When the fuck did you watch Lord of the Rings?”

“... Concussion recovery was rough.” He dropped Sven’s hand and smirked. “But it was actually pretty good.”

“Haven’t I been telling you for years that you would like it?” He smacked Kristoff upside the head and grinned. “Never listen to me, but the second you get a girlfriend…”

They heard the announcements starting, and moved out towards the runway. As always, they were last onto the ice, and as always, they fist bumped before they stepped out. He was as ready as he’d ever be. The timer counted down, they got into position.

Three.

Two.

One.

The puck hit the ice.

Period one had a rough start. 2-0 Nashville. But he was recalibrating, remembering what it was he kept missing. They got him on his glove side. They knew he was a little weaker, a little more hesitant with it after the injury.

But he could fix it.

Period two, nothing got by him, and the guys scored three times. 2-3 Ice Breakers. Thank god.

Period three, and the pressure is on. Nashville doesn’t want to lose, and the Ice Breakers don’t want to drag it out. They’ve played three long matches already. 

Nashville scores.

Ice Breakers score.

3-4.

4-4.

5-4.

5-5.

And then.

Carruthers, the kid they just brought up from the minors to fill in a gap from another injury, fucking scores with three seconds on the clock. His third game. His first NHL goal.

The fucking Stanley Cup game winning goal.

The whole team runs to center ice. The whole team dog piles on top of the kid, still silent and slack-jawed with shock, still not believing what just happened. 

“Fuck yeah!” 

“God damn it Ruthy!”

“How the fuck, kid!”

The incoherent screaming from the team didn’t drown out the booing from the crowd, but nothing would bring them down right now. Nothing could.

After their celebration, both teams basically let the three seconds run. Nashville knew nothing could be done, and the Ice Breakers weren’t about to let anything past them anyway. The buzzer rang and they all cheered again, whooping and hollering as they received the cup, went through the motions in the arena that wasn’t welcoming them. Then they ran down the runway, back to the locker room to find their family and friends waiting with enough champagne for every person in that room to have their own bottle.

Captain Sven Pederson had the pleasure of carrying the cup back with him. 

Music was blasting, everyone was screaming, champagne was already flying through the air and as the team started stripping some of their bulkier gear off, Mattias took to the stage. 

“I’ve never been more fucking proud of you boys. You rallied together and in just a few years, we’ve already risen so far beyond what people expected of this new little team in the middle of nowhere. I’m not going to make some big long speech,” Kristoff could see the tears in his eyes as he sniffled, and he let out a booming laugh as he looked around the room. “But you’ve all just… you’ve made me feel like a proud father.” He waved his hands in front of his face and shrugged. “But fuck my speech, let’s celebrate!”

And celebrate they did.

Bottles popped, beers were distributed, everyone drank way more than they should as Sven emptied at least 8 bottles of champagne directly into the cup and lifted it to pour into every players’ mouth. The man of the hour, Scotty Carruthers, was herded to the middle of the pack and drenched in champagne and beer before he had even fully finished processing what was happening.

After far too long, Kristoff found Anna, and she leapt immediately into his arms, placing sloppy peppered kisses all over his face. “I’m” kiss “so” kiss “fucking” kiss kiss “proud of you.” And then a hearty one on the mouth, as her hands pressed firm to either side of his jaw. 

Kristoff smiled with his fingers spread wide over her back as she threw her arms in the air to add more beer to the rain in the room. She laughed brightly, lowered her hands back to his shoulders, and gave him the best smile he had ever seen. “I love you so much.”

And then he thought that somehow that was worth more than the fucking Stanley Cup.

[lovemesomesurveys]

[zelthie]

What's were you doing before you got on the computer? Drinking coffee and watching TV.

Is there anything you really want right now? To not feel crappy would be nice.

What's the best gift you've ever gotten? I couldn’t possibly choose just one. 

What's a song you think the world needs to listen to? I don’t know.

Has there ever been a person you regret ever being friends with? Nah.

Do you think you have a good understanding on love? I haven’t experienced the romantic kind still.

You just discovered a new color! What would you name it? I have no idea.

What's your favorite ice cream flavor? I’m not a big ice cream person, but I do like strawberry, mint chocolate chip, cookies and cream, and birthday cake. I haven’t had ice cream in years, though.

What do you want to do on your honeymoon? I don’t plan on getting married.

What's one thing you remember learning in school? The Fifty Nifty United States song. And all of the Grammar Rock from Schoolhouse Rock VHS tape. <<< Awww, yep I remember both. Those Schoolhouse Rock tapes really helped me with my multiplication as a kid and it’s cool how the states song stayed with me all these years later.

Are you more of a cat or dog person? Doggo.

How do you want to be remembered by people? I don’t need to be remembered by people. I’m sure my loved ones will remember me and that’s all that matters.

Do you like road trips? They can be fun, but long car rides are rough.

Do you think Medical Marijuana should be legalized? Yeah.

If you were forced to dye your hair another color, what color would you get? I don’t know... I really just want to keep dyeing it red.

Are you excited for anything? No.

What do you think of your parent(s)? I love my parents, they’re the best.

Are your grandparents dead? My maternal grandparents are, RIP. <3

What celebrity do you think should of never become famous? All the pervy, gross, bad ones out there, which unfortunately seems to be a lot.

What's your favorite thing to do online? Tumblr and YouTube.

If you could appear on any TV show, what show would you choose? Nah.

What does your full name look like without the letters t,a,i,o,e,l,n or s? I’ll just do my first name: Ph. 

Your mood summed up into one word? Shitty.

How often do you talk to other people about the weather? I bring it up most when it’s hot.

Are you doing anything else besides taking this survey right now? Not really. My TV is on, but it’s more background noise at the moment.

What's a name you wouldn't mind having? I’ll stick with mine.

What's your favorite thing to wear that you own? My leggings and graphic tees.

What do you think of Barbie dolls? I was obSESSED with Barbies as a kid.

When you were little, did you ever want to go to Disneyland? Yesss. I was fortunate to be able to go a few times. I still get just as excited as an adult. 

What's the first thing you thought in your head when you woke up today? I woke up to my brother handing me a Starbucks, ha so that was nice. He’s so sweet.

If your best friend confessed that they can see the future, you would...? I don’t believe in that, but I’d question them about it and hear what they had to say.

Write a random quote that comes to your head: Nah.

What's your opinion on milk chocolate? I like it, but white chocolate is better.

What about Dark Chocolate? Ew.

You do know that white chocolate isn't even really chocolate, right? I don’t care.

Do you get annoyed when surveys mention a band you\'ve never heard of? No.

What's your opinion about Katy Perry's song "I kissed a girl"? I remember how risque that was considered at the time lol. People were like *gasp!* She what???

What's your least favorite pizza topping? I’m super picky and basic, so I don’t like any other toppings besides what I put on mine, which are white sauce, cheese (preferably feta and ricotta, but I’m not picky about the cheese), garlic, spinach, green onions, and crumbled meatballs if they have it.

What would you do if you discovered the US was now drafting for the war? I have a physical disability, so I’m out of the running but I’d be terrified about my brother getting drafted.

Are you even living in America, or are you from another country? Yes, I live in the US.

What's your favorite social website? Tumblr and Twitter.

Do you believe in heaven? If so, what's it like? If not, why? Yes. I’ve never been, obviously, but I imagine it to be like how the Bible describes it to be.

What's your favorite video game? Mario Bros games will always be a favorite.

In your opinion, is Bzoink the best place to find fun surveys? I never go on there myself, but a few fellow survey takers on here seem to find a lot of surveys there that I then steal from them, ha.

What's your opinion of high school? It had its ups and downs. The first two years were rough for me.

Do you prefer the country or city? I like both, but I think I prefer living in the city. I’ve never lived in the country, though, so I can’t say for sure.

Texting: Is it fun, evil, boring, or none of the above? I don’t text much at all, I’d just say it’s convenient and preferred over talking on the phone.

What email service do you use for your main (or only) email account? Yahoo.

What's your favorite dumb pick-up line? *shrug*

What are your plans for the next 48 hours? Same things as always.

Did you ever read "Captain Underpants" when you were little? No, I was older when those came out. My lil bro loved ‘em, though.

What's better: The old Cartoon Network, or the new one? Or do you not care? I’d say the old, for sure. I don’t know wth happened to that channel, mainly the Adult Swim segment. Like seriously, what. the. fuck.

Disney Channel shows are all pretty cheesy, aren't they? I’m definitely biased, but Disney Channel growing up and in my teen years was waaaaay better. I haven’t watched it in several years now, but I feel like the shows for kids and teens nowadays are super cringe.

What's your opinion on the Jonas Brothers? I’m a fan, but I was a huge fan in my teen years. I’ve kept up with them as a group and their solo and side projects all this time.

What are some of your favorite singers/bands? I have a lot.

Why do the lead singers in bands always get the most recognition? Because they’re the voice and face of the band. I think the other members certainly should get their recognition, too, though. They all together make up the band and its sound.

Did you ever believe in the Tooth Fairy? Yeah.

What's your favorite type of weather? Fall and winter weather.

What's your opinion on reading books? I love reading.

You're given a chance to act in a Hollywood blockbuster! Would you accept? Nooo.

What it if it was a movie directed by Tim Burton?(He directed Sweeney Todd) I enjoy his work, but still no. It wouldn’t matter who was directing it.

How do you feel about Taco Bell? I like it. It’s been awhile since I’ve had it, though. I went through a major Taco Bell phase a few years ago and was getting it all the time. 

Are you hungry right now? Yes.

How often do you go on to YouTube? Everyday. I spend a lot of time on there, mainly for ASMR videos, but also other stuff I like to watch. Usually while I’m eating I like to catch up on some videos.

It's possible to be addicted to anything... What are you addicted to? Caffeine.

What's your opinion of Walgreens? I like it. My mom also works there.

Back when Spongebob Squarepants was famous, were you interested in it? Not really. I just watched it here and there cause my lil bro was into it. There were quotable moments I liked, though.

What's your dream pet? I love having doggos.

You see a mermaid while relaxing on the beach with friends. What now? lol I’d just assume it was a group of people chillin’ with mermaid tails. You can buy blankets or costume pieces like that, so.

Who's been your favorite teacher growing up, and why? My 4th and 8th grade teacher, Mr. McG.

When you were little, did you ever like Pokemon? I did have a brief Pokemon phase. I collected the cards, too.

How often do you get headaches? Not often at all, so when I do - they really tend to hurt pretty badly. <<< That’s how mine are. I’ve been sick this past week and headaches have been apart of that, unfortunately, and they haven’t been fun. I can’t take anything for them either, which really sucks.

Do you have any songs stuck in your head right now? If so, what? That new Wendy’s jingle, “Bag alert, major bag alert.” That commercial comes on constantly and that’s literally the only words to the jingle. It’s annoying.

[nosleepstillweak]

cruller

My favorite type of donut is a cruller. Pity the man that begins his own love story with a monologue about his favorite pastry, but I feel like there’s something to be said here. It’s not like your traditional cake or long john or eclair. A cruller is in an avenue all its own. For one, it just looks cooler. Who doesn’t like a twisty donut? The dough is shaped into this endless spiral that flakes beautifully in the oven. Furthermore, the consequent increase in surface area also leads to the creation of these little pockets that are the perfect space for the outer glaze to nestle into. Top the whole affair off with a flawlessly reduced jelly filling and it’s like eating ambrosia. This opinion definitely isn’t mitigated by the fact that a literal goddess is the one to serve me these treats every morning, yet I still face opposition.

“You’re just a fucking weirdo, Jason.”

These are the words of my donut-apathetic comrade, Malachi. He’s a bit of an old-head, if you were to ask me, but sometimes the bluntness of his responses are in my best interest. As of late, he has been the staunchest--and sole--opponent of my onset infatuation with the owner of our newly discovered cafe destination.

“These twists taste like garbage. Admit it, you just have a thing for Donut Girl.” A key indicator of his disdain is the fact he continues to call her “Donut Girl,” even though her name-tag would lead me to believe that she actually goes by Sadie. Then again, given my previous history with “Pizza Chick” and “Gas Station Lady,” it’s fair to say that I haven’t necessarily made the best name for myself when choosing my romantic interests in the wholesale industry.

“Unsubstantiated opinions on Sadie aside, you can’t tell me that this isn’t a damn good donut.” I mean, he could, but he’d just be a liar. I take another bite in between sentences. “Plus, I don’t think you saw the way she looked at me this time. That was definitely some sort of signal.”

I can’t say that I’m not offended by Malachi’s responding scoff. “Yeah, a signal to round up all the idiots. I can’t believe you’re twenty-three years old and you still crush after women like you’re in a teen drama.” He scowls at me as I finish off the last of the half-dozen with a smile on my face. “Those donuts literally taste like sugar-coated metal.”

“Oh, heaven forbid they contain the slightest hint of high fructose corn syrup.” In traditional old-head fashion, Malachi is the type to complain about foods nowadays being too sugary; he gets a headache from eating a rope of black licorice. “Gather ‘round, folks, Old Man Malachi is mounting the soapbox again to preach about the dangers of processed foods--”

“Oh, fuck you, I’m leaving.” He, rather dramatically, snatches the coat off the back of his chair and storms out of the bakery. I can’t wipe the grin off my face when I remember that we literally work at the same office and will see each other again within the next ten minutes. What I find to be less amusing is the fact that he left me the entire bill, including his cinnamon-free cinnamon twists and extra-large black coffee. In lieu of my irritation, I take the situation as just a form of preparation: true love isn’t cheap.

“Here’s your bill.” A slip of paper slides across the table and then I’m blindsided by the sight of an immaculate Sadie smile. Now that’s priceless. I can’t describe it in words, but it’s just so… damn. By the time I’ve regained my senses, she’s gone off to help the next customer. I glance over the receipt, fishing through my wallet to produce the proper total and a hefty tip. My eyes widen when I catch something hastily scrawled at the bottom of the slip: a phone number. Next to a poorly-drawn smiley face, but that’s beside the point; the Sadie of Sadie’s Bakery just gave me her phone number. As I get up to leave, I even catch a glimpse of her smiling softly in my direction. I more than happily return the gesture. Malachi will come around eventually, but this train is definitely already in motion.

***

I have to hand it to Malachi because the first few weeks of my relationship with Sadie did actually feel like a teen drama. Our initial correspondence was nothing to write home about. I’d pick up a cruller every morning at the bakery and we’d chat for as long as it took for Malachi to spitefully gulp down his coffee and claim that we were running late for work. In between breaks at the office, I curated a myriad of internet bakery memes. Then, at night, I would bombard our text conversations with dancing donuts and cake icing videos and pretend to not absolutely lose my mind whenever she responded with a laughing face emoji. This continued for a while until I had to stage a self-intervention from giving myself diabetes. Sadie was surprisingly understanding and even offered to make me a sugar-free batch; had Malachi not physically taken my phone and responded with “no and goodbye,” I would have accepted.

In spite of his continued opposition, the train kept on moving. Sadie was actually the one who asked me out; I know, the misogynists are quaking in their boots. After she made the first move at the bakery, I wasn’t super surprised that she proposed the idea of dating one morning when I stopped by to pick up an office order. That being said, her delivery did not keep me from turning completely red and whooping at the top of my lungs in the otherwise moderately quiet cafe. I honestly still don’t know why Sadie got so embarrassed; she literally owns the place. All that being said, Sadie and I were officially a couple. Now, I just have to let Malachi in on it so he can be a supportive best friend and help guide me through my new--

“Jason, I love you, man, but this seems like a terrible idea.” Okay, ouch. This hadn’t been the first time he’d ever said these exact words to me, but for some reason, they hurt more this time around. “This is so sudden! I seriously worry that you’re getting ahead of yourself. What do you even know about this Sadie girl anyways?”

“Uh, well, for one, she runs the best bakery in town.”

“Debatable. Dinah’s Breakfast Cafe has killer pastries.”

“Unlike Dinah, Sadie’s smart and funny.”

“And you learned this from your 2 A.M. meme conversations?”

“Okay, either way, look me in the eyes and tell me she’s not beautiful.”

“Do you really want me to call your girlfriend hot?”

I throw a straw wrapper in his face and pout, genuinely upset. “That’s not the point and you know it.”

“Look, dude, I can understand that your initial feelings may be strong, but I just don’t wanna see you get hurt again. Physically or emotionally.” Malachi fixes me with a serious look and I suddenly feel like sinking back into my chair. “Especially after Gas Station Lady, I was hoping you’d make a little bit of a better assessment of things. I mean, like, do you even know how old she is? Friends? Family? Does she have any past relationships? Who’s to say that she isn’t hanging out with one of her ex-boyfriends right now?”

That last comment was a low blow and more than a little melodramatic, but I suddenly feel like I don’t know enough about Sadie to defend her. Now that I think about it, maybe everything is moving too fast.

“Just… be careful, man. Maybe reconsider. Again, the last thing I’d want is for you to get hurt.” Malachi shoots me one last sympathetic smile before walking out of the breakroom. Maybe there’s some truth to Old Man Malachi’s words. I stare at the cruller in my hand for a moment. When I finally move to take a bite, something inside leaves a sour taste in my mouth. The jelly filling doesn’t taste quite the same as before.

***

After that awful conversation, I decide it's best to have a heart-to-heart with Sadie. Our text conversations dry up for a couple of nights and I try to avoid the bakery as much as possible to give myself more time to think. However, as it turns out, the inevitable conversation didn’t end up being as painful as I thought it would be. Sadie actually laughs when I tell her that I don’t know anything about her; she says the same could be said about me. We spend the rest of the evening making donuts together and giving each other a basic autobiographical rundown.

Sadie Marissa Jenkins II is a first-generation British--it was at this point in our month-long relationship that I finally noticed the accent--immigrant who’d moved here in order to pursue her studies in culinary arts at the local university. She lives with her older sister, and her dog named Muffin, and she prefers riding her bike to taking the metro. She spoke of no past relationships and is in fact not currently cheating on me with another man. I was quite happy, and a little smug, when reporting my findings to Malachi.

“If you think she’s the one, then knock yourself out.” He’s speaking very nonchalantly for a man who’s wrestling with a stapler. “She actually gave me a free coffee this morning, so maybe she’s worth keeping around.”

“So free coffee is all it takes to get Old Man Malachi’s blessing?”

“Hardy-har-har.” He flicks a loose staple at my forehead. “This better work out, because I’m not picking your ass up again when you get dumped out of a pizza delivery car in the middle of town.”

“At least she didn’t run out of gas.” I jokingly shoot finger guns in his direction, snorting when he feigns a shot to the chest as he exits the breakroom. There are still a couple of crullers left over in the Sadie’s Bakery box on the counter so I help myself to one--and immediately gag. Okay, they actually do kinda taste like metal. They’re probably just stale from sitting out all afternoon. Yeah, that’s probably it.

***

I decide to lay off the crullers for a while and instead take the time to learn more about Sadie. What I learn instead is that both of us have pretty uninteresting lives, but I think it’s the thought that counts. Plus, her accent is precious and I can barely pay attention when we have midnight baking lessons at the bakery. These lessons are always followed by her getting into my car, me offering to drive her home, and us making out in the backseat instead. This goes on for several nights and I have never once complained about it. That is, until tonight, when she decides to take a chomp out of the side of my neck.

“What the--!” I instinctively push away from her and inspect the injury with my hand. My fingers come away smeared red.

“Oh my goodness! I’m so sorry!” Her hands hover over me as I frantically press the sleeve of my jacket to my neck to stop the bleeding. “I got carried away. Did I hurt you?” I mean, judging by the fact that I’m literally bleeding, I think it would be fair to assume that she did, in fact, hurt me. Nonetheless, I manage a smile.

“It’s fine, Sades.” Probably. The bleeding has stopped, anyways. “Honestly. I mean, it’s not like you said some other guy’s name, or something weird like that.”

“What? What other guy? When was there ever another guy?” Sadie jolts away from me like I’m made of fire. “What do you know about another guy?”

“Uh, nothing! It was just a joke.” A bad joke. “An American joke.”

“Oh. I see.” She nervously picks at the leather of the car seat, her teeth gnawing at her lower lip.

“Really, the biting thing was fine.” Probably. I lean forward and place a small kiss on her ear. “In fact, dare I say that it was kinda hot.” I don’t know what response I was expecting, but I was not physically prepared for the look that she gave me when I pulled away. Then, we were back at it again. From that point in the night on, it was just so… damn. Maybe I was just hallucinating before; I think the crullers taste just fine.

***

“You look tired.” Malachi inquires with a wink as he takes another sip of his morning coffee. To be quite honest, I probably feel worse than I look; after the whole biting incident and my subsequent flirtatious response, Sadie kinda took things into her own hands. I think it’s fair to say that what happened in that car stays in that car. Probably.

“I was just busy last night.”

“Busy?” Malachi snorts into his cup. “With Sadie?”

“Oh, shut up,” I tiredly flip him the bird, “don’t say it like that. We’re literally adults. It’s not like teenagers kissing behind the bleachers, or something.”

“Oh, yeah, sorry, I forgot when you got so mature. Just eat your damn cruller.” He shoves the half-dozen towards me and I nibble at one for a bit before taking a bite… which still tastes awful. Did she change the recipe for the filling? I need to talk to her about that. “Then again, maybe you’re right. I don’t remember them wearing scarves in August in teen dramas.”

I literally choke on the bite of cruller in my mouth. Okay, so maybe the biting incident wasn’t fine. You live and you learn.

***

“Uh, hey there, Sades.” I make my way into the sparsely lit kitchen of the bakery. “Whatcha’ up to?” My real question is, why does the kitchen look like a literal crime scene? There’s donut filling smeared all over the counters; there’s even some on the wall.

“Oh! Uh, nothing, just washing my hands. Cleaning up.”

“Did you cook something?” I look around the kitchen a bit. No pots or pans. Not even a baked good. “I don’t see anything.”

“N-No, not really. I was just preparing something for a batch I was going to bake tomorrow.” For a baker, that’s a totally normal thing to do. Probably.

“Alrighty, then. Should we head out now?”

Sadie smiles, but her face still seems tight. “Lovely.”

***

“Something’s off about Sadie, man. I’ve been getting these weird vibes lately.”

“Oh, so now you see it.” Malachi rolls his eyes, taking a bite into a fresh-baked, sugar-free twist. “Did you two have a fight? Does she not like it when you burp halfway through your sentences?”

“What? No, to both.” Well, actually, that’s a hard maybe on the latter. “Nothing specifically happened, per se, but, like, the vibes were off. She was acting really strange last night.”

“What’d she do, exactly?”

“Well, she…” Washed her hands? What exactly am I supposed to say in this situation? “...actually, never mind.”

“Good. Because, if you were about to say some kinky shit, I literally would’ve punched you in the face.” He chortles as I push hard against his arm. “Look, man, relationships are weird. Whatever’s on your mind, just work it out with her. Better now than later. Regret hurts like a bitch, dude.”

I stare down at the cruller in front of me and swallow thickly. “I think you’re right, man. I should just talk things out with her.”

***

Oh, god, I was wrong. I was so wrong. Screw talking things out. Malachi was right. Regret does hurt like a bitch. I should’ve listened to him, the first time. I wish I could go back and listen to him. I should’ve known something was wrong from the random nighttime hand washing. Or from the biting incident. Or from when any human woman found me to be conventionally attractive. Maybe that’s it. Maybe she’s just not human. She probably isn’t, given that she’s pulling this shit. She’s literally crazy, and I fell for it.

You wanna know what was in those crullers? The jelly filling: it wasn’t cherry or strawberry or whatever other random red fruit we thought it was. It’s straight-up human remains. ...Plus a shit ton of sugar and preservatives, but that’s beside the point. That’s why Malachi thought they tasted like metal. There’s iron and calcium in blood and bones; she was just feeding us metal. People. And I ate them! Almost every day! For two months! Oh my god, what’s wrong with her? What’s wrong with me?

Malachi, or Mom, or Gas Station Lady, if you’re reading this, just know that I love you all. Actually, this is an inner monologue; you’ll never see this. Poetic cruller bullshit aside, this is absolutely crazy. Oh god, she’s back. Oh god, she has a meat grinder. Why would she have a meat grinder? This is the worst day of my life. Oh god, this is the last day of my life. I’m about to die. She’s about to grind me into bits and make me into donut filling. Oh, god, oh, god, oh, god. I should’ve known better, I should’ve--

Fuck, Malachi, please, don’t eat the crullers. Don’t eat the--

***

“I knew there was something up with you!”

“Excuse me?”

“Oh god, he even told me that you were acting strange recently--”

“Malachi, please, calm down. What’s the matter?”

“Cut the bullshit, Donut Girl. What did you do to Jason?”

A pause. Then, she smiles. “Welcome to Sadie’s Bakery, the best baked goods in town. Could I interest you in a cruller?”

[larkfox]

IcariaHQ Task 2: Character Development

BASICS

Name → Larkspur Durham Fox... But seriously, just call me Lark because my name is ridiculous. My mom swears up and down that she’d picked my name out months before I was born, which makes it worse than it being post-pregnancy nonsense. Larkspur because she thought it sounded beautiful and dangerous. Durham for my grandma’s maiden name. Fox because... that was my grandpa’s last name, so it’s my mom’s. And mine.

Age → 27

Date of Birth →  Ah yes, the 20th of July... 1993. A good day. I don’t remember it at all.

Hair → Blonde. I dye it, but that’s my business.

Eye Color → They’re a really light blue.

Accent (If any) → Steffi makes fun of me because of how Canadians say “about.” But I think I absorbed some inflection from when I lived in England and Germany. It’s more difficult to pick up any specific accent in Icaria because folks come from all over, so that’s probably or the best.

Height → Uhhhh should I measure myself? I think like 1.68 m/5′6″?

Weight → Okay, if I don’t remember how tall I am, do you think I know how much I weight? Maybe like 57 kg/126 lbs?

Tattoos or piercings and where → Single lobe piercings only. FUNNY STORY ABOUT THAT. My mom apparently decided to drop in and spend some quality time with me when I was two, and brought me back to my grandparents with pierced ears. Grandma’s still miffed about it. I can never decide on a tattoo design, so I haven’t gotten one yet. It’s probably for the best.

Birthmarks (if any) → I’ve got plenty of freckles? I have never managed to catalog them.

Scars (if any) → Haven’t found anything in a while. I guess some of the ones I had healed. Score.

Left or right handed → I’m left-handed. It’s annoying.

Single or taken? → I’m single right now, tragically.

Are you happy? → Happiness is fleeting. I’ve got some of that emotion at this moment, but I’m not content yet when there’s so much injustice.

How do you dress? → Casual. I used to dress a little better, but I’ve given up on presentation. When I’m done with my education, I’ll probably have to start caring again.

Is there anything you want to change about yourself? → Yeah, I’d like to be more charismatic, since I don’t know how to make people listen to me. Not just hear me.

FACTS ABOUT YOUR FAMILY

Mortal parent’s name and occupation → Diana Fox, office manager

Deity you’re related to → Zelus. I’ve met him literally once, but he sent me, like, a couple birthday cards before that. He seemed okay, but kind of a shit-stirrer. Did not have nice things to say about Grandma even though I’m 90% sure he’s never met her, so that’s annoying. I don’t have a high opinion of him.

Siblings (if any) → None from my mom. She said Apollo was really hot when she visited me a few years back, and I’m more than a little worried I’m going to end up with a much younger little sibling. It is harrowing to me that Mom hasn’t hit menopause yet. I know this because she tells me about her personal health in great detail.

Hometown → Calgary, Alberta, Canada. I still have Canadian citizenship, which is annoying. 

ABOUT LOVE….

Believe in love at first sight →  I used to, which mostly ended in misunderstandings for baby gay Lark. Listen, love is way too complicated to be boiled down to a glance. If I understood any more than that, I would be in much better shape.

Who ended your last relationship? →  Do we really need to get into those details? I think not.

Have you ever broke someone’s heart → Uh huh. I’m not proud of it.

Afraid of committing to someone →  No!! I will enthusiastically commit. Anybody want to take one for the team and commit to me? 

Hugged someone in the last week →  No. I want a hug.

Have you ever had a secret admirer → Yeah, and I made him cry. I was more selfish when I was younger, and should have turned him down better.

Has anyone ever broke your heart → I have a lot of feelings, okay?

TEN CHOICES

Love or lust → Love sure would be nice

Friendship or love →  Ultimatums give me a headache, but I’d choose friendship

Coffee or Tea → Coffee!! I’m not a coffee aficionado, but I need the fast juice

Cats or dogs →  Cats! I don’t have a cat, as I imagine they would not be nice to my current pets.

A few best friends or many friends → A few best friends

Television or internet →  Internet

Pepsi or Coca-Cola →  I think Coca-Cola is better

Wild night or romantic evening →  ​Romantic evening, but mostly because a wild night out often means trying to help my best friend get laid.

Day or night →  Daytime. I get to be awake for it, and stuff gets done.

Summer or Winter → Winter, but only because of hockey season

[sleepy-ruri]

Tag Game~

Tagged by @tsum-uwu-gi 💕

Name: Rurika, I guess? Haha, it's what I use as my username most of the time. My real name is a secret~

Nickname: You can call me Ruri! If you call me sleepy, there's a 99.9% chance I'll respond to that

Zodiac: Pisces ♓

Height: ...smol :D

Languages: Tagalog and English

Nationality: Filipino!

Favourite season: Ignoring the fact that my country only has 2 seasons I love winter the best!

Favourite flower: I'm clueless with flowers but I'm going with roses because why not?

Favourite scent: I like the smell of coffee (I'm a coffee addict)

Favourite colour: Anything that's close to the shade of purple, violet, lavender, etc 💜 And black!

Favourite animal: Cats. I have a cat named Oreo who I absolutely adore 💕

Favourite fictional character: ...I have to choose? Alas, I have too many but I'll list the ones I can remember right now.

Karma Akabane (Assassination Classroom), Osamu Dazai (Bungou Stray Dogs)

And of course since this is mostly an a3! blog: Azuma Yukishiro, Tsumugi Tsukioka, Itaru Chigasaki... You know what? I love them all. Don't make me choose please ;∆;

Coffee, tea, or hot chocolate: Do I even have to answer this? Coffee! ☕

Average hours sleep: My blog url literally has sleepy in it so... But on a weekday, it'll be about 4-5 hours. On weekends, it's a gamble between 3-4 hours to 10-20 hours (ﾟヮﾟ)

Cat or dog: Cats!

Number of blankets you sleep with: One or sometimes none

Dream trip: Well, does dreaming about sleeping all day anywhere with a comfy bed count?

Followers: I haven't really checked. It should be around 30+

A random fact: I believe I've been saying lots of random things about me but sure, let's add another one haha.

I'm currently doing computer studies so I know how to do basic programming in a few different computer languages. It gives me headaches but it's satisfying to see your program work after asking Google many times how to make it work.

Tagging: Anyone? I don't know many people here haha. Oh wait! @currywaifu, I'll tag you since you've recently made me fall in love with your fics. You're not obligated to do this! This is just for fun!

[sheddingserpent]

She’ll Put a Spell on You

A Sweet PeaxReader Fanfic

As the sun began to set and the heat began to mellow out, the banks of Sweetwater River began to fill with high school students ready to kickstart the first evening of summer vacation. Between the bonfires, music, booze, and haze of orange, pink, and yellow colors painted across the sky, it was something out of a teen movie for the ages. I normally didn’t attend these kinds of things, but caved this time around with enough pressure from my best friends Zoey and Lela. Lela bounds up to Zoey and I with a bottle of flavored vodka and plastic shot glasses, a grin on her face.

“It’s time to let loose, ladies! Let summer commence!” She giggled, pouring us each a shot.

We knocked the shots back, the music and laughter deafening behind us. Losing ourselves in the moment, the drinks kept pouring, and I had never felt more free. Zoey and I made our way to a crowd of people to dance while Lela made her way into the river to play a game of chicken with some kids from Riverdale. We lost ourselves in the crowd, letting the music move through us, until my eyes locked with his; they were a beautiful dark brown, intense, and I couldn’t look away. I had never seen him before, but by the gods was he captivating. Tall, dark, brooding, and handsome, he stood at least 6 foot 2, dark hair softly falling over his eyes, his t shirt softly defining his build, and a snake tattoo on the side of his neck. To most he’d be intimidating, but the grin spreading across his face as he stared at me left me breathless. I returned the smile as he made his way through the crowd. The next thing I knew, he was standing in front of me, holding his hand out. Between the music and the summer heat, it all felt like a dream as we danced the rest of the night away in an alcohol-fueled haze. We didn’t say a word, but between the dancing and body language we didn’t need to. I had completely lost track of time until Zoey and Lela emerged from the crowd, giggling and tugging me away from him for another round of drinks. Before they had ripped me away, he gently kissed the back of my hand and offered one last smile before the crowd seemingly swallowed him up. I couldn’t help but swoon over him before another drink was shoved into my hand.

I woke up the next morning at Lela’s with a splitting headache and no memory of the rest of the night.

“Who was that guy you were dancing with last night?” Zoey giggled as she pushed a plate of pancakes towards me.

“I wish I knew.” I rolled my eyes. “Maybe if you guys didn’t drag me off I could’ve gotten his number.”

“He was hot.” Lela said through a mouth full of pancake. “He’s a Riverdale kid, he has to be. I’ve never seen him before.”

“He’s not JUST a Riverdale kid, did you see his tattoo? He’s a Serpent.” Zoey teased me playfully, pinching my arm.

“So? He seemed nice enough.” I said defensively, downing my orange juice.

“Too bad you’ll probably never see him again.” Lela smirked. “Looks like our girl is quite the snake charmer.”

I rolled my eyes, but she was right. What if I never saw him again? I felt my heart sink a little, but I had to be realistic. It’s not like anything would’ve come from it, we were both drunk, and we were only dancing. It’s not like we would even have a chance to be anything beyond that.

I spent the summer thinking about the mystery guy with the Serpent tattoo, hoping I’d run into him again. It seemed hopeless, until my parents dropped some big news.

“Y/N, sweetie? Your father received a wonderful job offer in Riverdale, almost double the pay of his old job! We’ll be moving at the end of the summer, just in time for you to start the new school year. I hope you’re not upset that we just sprung this on you, but it was too good of an offer.” My mom placed her hand on my shoulder, almost apologetically.

“That’s great, you guys! It’s nice to see dad’s hard work finally pay off. Plus, I hear Riverdale High has great art programs.” I beamed.

Sweet Pea’s POV~

“You’re literally the dumbest person I’ve ever met, Pea.” Toni rolled her eyes.

“Yeah, you danced with her for most of the night and didn’t even ask her name?” Fangs chimed in. “She could’ve been an exchange student, or someone’s cousin from out of state, or maybe she was some drunken hallucination. Now your dream girl is gone forever and you’re doomed to a life of pining over some mystery girl and growing old by yourself.”

“Ok, Fangs. That’s a bit much but I think we all get the point.” Toni tried not to laugh but failed.

“Don’t you think I know I messed up?” I frowned, leaning against my locker. “But maybe if someone hadn’t triple dog dared me to take an extra shot of tequila, I could’ve actually been coherent enough to talk to her.” I glared at Fangs who smiled apologetically.

“Can we change the subject? You’ve been talking about the saaaaame girl all summer. At this point I feel I could describe her to a police sketch artist.” Toni groaned, shoving her books into her backpack.

I nodded and sighed as Fangs droned on and on about his family trip to visit his aunt and uncle. Maybe they were right, I just needed to suck it up and forget about it. She was just some random girl who was equally as wasted as I was, it wasn’t like she was gonna come waltzing back into my life after two months. It wasn’t like me to get hung up on somebody, but something about her was different.

Suddenly Fangs fell silent, and gestured behind me. “Uh, dude? Is that your girl right there..?”

“Stop being a dick, that’s not even funn-“ I turned around and trailed off, my eyes wide. There she was, walking through the front doors of Riverdale High, wearing a black dress with a white lace collar and some high heeled boots. Her hair fell over her shoulders, framing her face perfectly. “Holy shit.” I muttered under my breath.

“Wow, I never expected you to have such good taste. Nice job, Sweetpea. She’s spellbinding.” Toni chimed in, grinning. “Better go get her before she disappears again.” She teased.

“I see you’ve spotted our new transfer student.” We all whipped around to find Veronica had suddenly joined the conversation.

“Transfer? Where’s she from?” Fangs asked.

I kept my eyes on my mystery girl who was headed in my direction. As our eyes met, she smiled at me shyly. “Hey, I’ll see you guys later. I have some catching up to do.” I grinned, heading over towards her. She was as beautiful as I remembered, but I could only hope she was more than a pretty face.

Veronica seemed slightly surprised, but shrugged. “Does he know her? He sure seems to be under her spell already. Poor boy’s got it bad. Anyways, she just moved here from Greendale.” She said cheerfully.

Okay guys. I’m not sure if I wanna make this a one shot or develop it more? I’d love some feedback, let me know if you’d like me to write more of this!

[surveyjunkie]

Is there a bus stop near your house?: I’m not sure, I don’t take the bus anywhere

Do you prefer red wine or white wine?: White wine for sure

What’s the last airport you were at? Why were you there?: I was at CVG because I was coming back from vacation

Who do you live with?: My boyfriend and his brother

Do you read Reddit? If so, how often and what subreddits do you like?: No. I think I’ve been on there like four times and I never understood the appeal. The layout is so messy and confusing, but maybe that’s the point, Idk. < Yeah, I’ve been on there a few times too but I agree, the layout is really messy and old-school. < same

Have you recently broken up with a significant other or even just a friend?: no

What’s the weather like today? Is it nice enough to go outside?: it’s hot and sunny. it’s nice enough to go outside but not stay outside for too long unless you plan on going to the pool.

Do you know anyone who’s had a baby recently?: my coworker’s daughter just had a baby, if that counts?

Have you used a pen or pencil today? What did you write down?: i used a pen to write down events in my brand new PLANNER

What does your last text message say and who is it from?: “i love you :)” - josh

Can you count how many times you’ve seen your favorite film?: i have a few favorites, i’ve seen them all at least 30 times each

When was the last time you ate marshmallows?: probably the last time i made hot chocolate...so back in April?

Do you listen to any podcasts? How do you listen to them?: sometimes! i listen on my phone but also sometimes on my computer

How old will you be in the year 2030?: 38....vomit

How often does the kettle in your house get used?: we don’t even have a kettle, if we want tea we just boil or microwave water

Does your skin bruise easily? Do you have any bruises right now? What from?: i do, but i’m not sure if i have any right now or where they are

What was the last thing you spent $150 or more on?: a car payment

Do you prefer yes or no questions or more open-ended questions?: open-ended

What brand of toilet paper do you usually buy?: the cheapest brand, but never the store brand bc it sucks.

If I knocked on your door right now, would you be acceptably dressed?: i’m at work...so go right ahead.

Why did you leave your last job?: they weren’t giving me any hours after i got a second job, so it made more sense to just go full time at the second place and quit the first. also, i was kind of sick of retail.

What color were the last socks you wore?: black.

Are you studying currently? What level of education and what do you study?: in the fall i’m starting my 1st year of grad school in health informatics (aka bio-statistics) so i can finally start making some real money

Have you ever eaten at a restaurant and left without paying?: no

What was the last thing that made you laugh out loud?: there was a funny situation that just happened at work

What’s your favorite scent of air freshener?: i have one in my car right now that i really like called bay breeze or something like that. it’s just one of those little tree air fresheners.

How many weddings have you ever been to?: 7 i think??

Do you know anyone named Nora?: yes, that’s Josh’s grandma’s name

Are your hands and feet in good condition or could you do with a mani-pedi? I just painted my nails but I need to go over them again, and my toes need painted.

Have you ever been to a festival for beer or other types of alcohol?: many times

Do you own a record player and/or vinyl?: no

When was the last time you went out for drinks?: unless you count grabbing beers with dinner, a few weeks ago is the last time i went out to a “real” bar. Have you ever been to a strip club?: i’ve only gone twice in my whole life

What’s your favorite kind of smoothie?: mango or strawberry banana

Do you know anyone with a ‘virtue name’? (Google it): yep

Would you ever wear real authentic leather?: nah

Have you taken out the trash today?: no but thanks for reminding me bc it’s being picked up tomorrow lmao How often do you wear make-up?: like, once a week if that

What’s your opinion on The Simpsons?: it’s not really for me, i’ve watched a few episodes with Josh and found them funny but i probably wouldn’t watch it on my own time

Do you prefer horizontal or vertical stripes?: horizontal

What’s your favorite brand of deodorant/antiperspirant?: i just found a new one i love but i forget the name, it comes in a green matte container

Do you know anyone who has been through a divorce?: yes

If you had the money, would you take taxis everywhere instead of driving?: i live in a small town so there’s no need for taxis, but if i lived in the city then maybe

Have you ever done a juice cleanse?: no

Do you have any friends who you can’t decide if they’re attractive or not?: honestly, yes Is the inside of your fridge clean right now or does it need a cleanout?: it could do with a cleanout

When was the last time you washed the dishes?: Josh takes care of that, he washed them all on Saturday but we’ve been eating out since then. 

Are there any magazines that you read on a regular basis?: sometimes i read Game Informer but that’s literally it

Do you have to pay for parking in most places in the town/city you live in?: nope.

What’s the first thing you tend to do when you have a headache?: lay down or take an ibuprofen, drink lots of water

Tell me about your responsibilities at work: i’m a patient registrar at a doctor’s office, i check people in, verify their information/insurance, collect payments, scan orders, all that good stuff.

Can you hear lots of traffic from your house? Does it bother you?: no, it’s really quiet where i live. Have you ever had proper Canadian poutine with the squeaky cheese?: i’ve had poutine, but i don’t know what squeaky cheese is so i guess it wasn’t proper Canadian?

Do your parents know how to operate smartphones and/or computers?: yes

How old are your parents, anyway?: my dad is 56 and my mom is 57

Are you allergic to anything? What do you have to do to prevent them?: mosquitos, i don’t do anything

What song is stuck in your head at the moment?: shooting stars by....i forget the artist. 

Do you hate it when people try really hard or do you kinda like it?: it bothers me a bit

What’s your boss’ first name? Do you call him/her by that name?: amy. yes.

When was the last time you wore a uniform of any kind? What color was it? i’m wearing one right now, it’s a blue long-sleeved sporty looking collared shirt. 

Do you complete a survey before taking this one? Will you take one after?: nah this is my first. it got really slow at work and i needed something to do. Have you ever lost enough weight to drop a dress size?: yep. my weight fluctuates really bad. i go back and forth between a size 4 and a size 8 depending on the type of job i have. right now, i have a desk job so i’m chunky again. 

What’s your favorite kind of bread?: french

When was the last time you got pizza? What toppings did you get?: i can’t remember

Do you own Monopoly? Is it the original or a special version?: no

What was the last thing you said out loud?: bless you, cause someone sneezed

You have to choose one: cats or dogs?: dogs

Would someone being either a cat or dog person affect you dating them?: no, i love both cats and dogs. i’m just biased towards dogs right now.

How do you travel to and from work?: car

Do you primarily use cash or card for your purchases? Why?: card

Have you ever been to a stadium concert?: yuuup

[lalka-laski]

Where is your favorite place to get fries? Now this is my kinda question! I have a serious soft spot for curly fries, and Arby's in particular are bomb. And can't forget the cheese dipping sauce!

What is the most recent article of clothing you’ve purchased? A whole bunch of random shit from Amazon, most of which I'm returning. Yes I know, it's bad for the environment. It's a bad habit I'm trying to break.

Have you ever paid for anything with a check? I have before but it's very rare. I don't even know where my checkbook is currently.

Do you know anyone who was raised by their grandparents? No one that I'm that close with

Have you ever made your own pie from scratch? Nope. That sounds like my nightmare actually. I love to cook but despise baking!

Who was the last person you had an in-depth conversation with? Glenn, probably.

Are there any waterfalls nearby? I live about an hour's drive from Niagara Falls. There are several other parks nearby with mini falls, but of course nothing beats a literal world wonder!

What was the last food item you ate? Cheddar, broccoli & potato soup

What are your earliest memories of going to see a doctor? I remember my pediatrician very vividly. I definitely overstayed my welcome at that office ha...

Can you hear traffic right now? Nope

Have you ever pulled a muscle? Yep

What did you do last weekend? This past weekend I celebrated one of my closest friend's bachelorette parties. It was a lot of fun 'till my anxiety kicked in and I spiraled out of control. Thank God for understanding, caring friends who encouraged me to go home where I'd feel safer and calmer, and for my supportive fiance for making the drive to come get me. I'm very lucky to be surrounded by such pure love.

What is your favorite gaming console? None

Are you talking to anyone via instant messaging right now? Mhm, Glenn

Have you kissed someone today? I gave Glenn a kiss on the head when I left for work this morning

What is your favorite condiment? Mayonnaise. Bonus points for fun flavored ones like sriracha or garlic aioli.

Do you have a strong opinion for or against Justin Bieber? I am entirely too old and too removed from the popular music scene to have any kind of opinion on him. He's fine, I guess?

Have you used a telephone today? Yep, my work landline and my cellphone of course

Do you prefer coffee or tea? I love 'em both!

Have you taken a painkiller today? Nope but I wanted to

How many theaters does the closest movie theater from your house have? Uhh I have no clue. I'm not a movie goer.

Do you always have a stock of alcohol in your house? We have a random assortment of seltzers and beers

Have you ever had a pumpkin latte and if so, did you like it? Yeah. They're fine but not my favorite.

Have you had a nap today? I freaking WISH

Is there an antique store in your town or city? Mhm

Have you ever been to a baby shower? Yep. I hate the cheesy games but overall I find them fun!

Do you have a hyphenated name or know anyone with one? (eg. Carter-Brown) Nope. I briefly considered it but have decided to just change my last name altogether.

What would you wear if you were being taken out to dinner tonight? Well I'd actually prefer not to leave the house tonight. As soon as I get home from work, my ass is staying in jammies! We are gonna order Grubhub though. I'm thinking Taco Bell!

What were the last shoes you wore? Flip flops, always

Do you know anyone who has been to rehab? Yes. And I'm really proud of anyone who has made that choice for themselves.

Have you ever had a mojito? I honestly don't think so? I've had precanned cocktail versions of them but not an actual one.

Do you take your Christmas decorations down before or after New Years? We're superstitious and take them down before January 6th, lest the hobgoblins come get us!

What is the first thing you do when you get online? Facebook, usually. Although I'm considering deleting

How many romantic relationships have you been in so far? Uhh only 3 "real" and long-term ones. I was more of a casual fling kinda girl before settling down with Glenn.

Have you ever been camping in the wilderness? Not quite. Just on campgrounds, so that hardly counts.

Do you have any money on you right now? Maybe a dollar and some change.

Would you consider yourself to be a picky eater? I'm one of the least picky eaters I've ever known. There are only a handful of foods I dislike and even those I try to be flexible about.

Have you made a large purchase today? Nope. And I'm hoping not to make any for a long time.

What was the last candy you ate? Sour gummy worms

How often do you eat Subway? Bleh, never. We have Wegmans and Dibella's for REAL subs. You can keep your hot dog bun bread!

Have you ever lived in a house with a pool in the yard? The house I grew up in

What color is your toothbrush? Gold

Do you have gluten intolerance or anyone who does? I know a few people who do

Have you ever cried while watching a movie? L O L. It's rare if I DON'T cry.

First thing that catches your eye when you look out the nearest window? I can't see out this window.

Have you ever had a migraine? Honestly no. I've had killer headaches although I know those aren't the same thing.

Do you have a gym membership? Yes but I admittedly don't use it

Have you locked your front door today? Mhm

Have you ever slept in a car overnight? I don't think so

Have you washed the dishes today? Yeah, I washed my soup container and spoon after lunch.

Have you ever fainted? Nope but I've come dangerously close I think

Have you been awake before sunrise today? Sadly yes

When was the last time you went to the bank? Uhh it's been ages

Do you avoid conflict as much as possible? I try to

Have you ever used a leaf blower? Nope. I can't imagine that'd go over well...

[emeto-things]

My Emetophobia Story!

Hi my name is Abby and I’ve had emetophobia since 2011 when I was only 8 years old. It was the winter and the flu was going around. My brother got it, and for some reason he makes himself sick on purpose so he can feel better? Idk. Either way, my bedroom was next door to the bathroom. I woke up to the horrendous sound of g* and v*. I ran into my parents room and asked my mom what was going. She told me he was purposefully making himself sick and that everything was okay. After shaking and crying, I went to bed and couldn’t sleep because it made me so awake. I ended up catching the flu a couple hours later. I was so worried that I was gonna v* too and my mom could NOT convince me that it wasn’t part of the flu and he didn’t that on purpose. The whole time I had the flu I slept barely any, constantly worrying i’d v*. Thankfully I didn’t! After the flu was gone, I was back to my normal self. Until 2013, when I was 10. I was talking to a pen pal online and we decided to make a movie together. I was in charge of everything, and she’d call me everyday asking if I had worked on it. It stressed me out so much that I developed anxiety. Later that year, I was in the car and felt totally fine but had a scary thought of “what if I get motion sickness?” I had motion sickness when I was younger and I still might I just don’t wanna test it. I started to cry and shake uncontrollably and I didn’t know why. I guess that was my first glimpse of a panic attack but I didn’t know such thing existed back then. I realized my friend was not so much of a good friend after all and decided to cut ties with her. My anxiety kinda disappeared again. I then started to develop OCD. I would constantly check her social media’s and read our old messages obsessively to the point i’d Be sad that I left her. It took me monthsss to get over that. But I eventually did. In 2014, my fears got far behind me and I was having a really good life. I don’t remember having anxiety at all much that year. It was the best year ever to this day. In early 2015 when I was 12, I started having strange, violent thoughts. I’d be sleeping with my dog and get a random “urge” to want to shove him off the bed and hurt him. The thoughts scared me so much since I love him and would never want to hurt him. I started having them more. I’d have an “urge” to kill a family member or poison them. It made me so uncomfortable and scared and I thought I had a serious problem and was going to end up a serial killer. It wasn’t until a few months later I was researching OCD and found that those thoughts are an extremely common OCD symptom and that you’d never actually act on it. I felt so much better! I found out I wasn’t a crazy person! Now I don’t even have those thoughts anymore. I was going pretty good until April 2015. I had been in an art class for about 6 months, but I’m this particular day I went, apparently a sv* was going around but I didn’t know about it. And apparently someone in my class was s* and still came in. It was a very tight class with a lot of kids and we were all sharing the same markers and pens and pencils and one girl (I believe who was the s* one) coughed with her mouth open all the time and we sat literally right next to each other that I could feel her breath on me. I didn’t have emetophobia then so I didn’t get all freaked out. Besides, I didn’t even know anyone was sick! If I did, I wouldn’t have gone. Not because I was scared but because of common sense. (This part may be a little triggering but i’ll Try not to be. Skip this part if you want.) 2 nights later, I’m asleep. I wake up around 4am with a very bad feeling. I didn’t think I was s* I just didn’t feel good. I tried to go back to sleep but I couldn’t. I had a small stomach ache, I was kinda dizzy and my head felt really gross. I was also kinda hot & cold and kept having weird dreams every time I’d start to fall asleep. Since I had anxiety in the past, I figured it was just anxiety so I googled ways to calm down and then eventually, my stomach ache went away and I fell asleep. I was extremely tired & basically fell asleep during a small panic attack which is unusual. I woke up again at 7am and I remember my first thoughts were “omg I feel even worse than I did earlier” and I rubbed my head and felt kinda hot. Idk how to describe how I felt it was just horrible. I went on my iPod and went on twitter and was watching YouTube videos to keep my mind off of whatever I was feeling. I then suddenly just g*d. I went into my moms room and told her I had been feeling bad for a while and didn’t know why. She asked me if I was nervous about anything and I said no. I told her I hoped I wasn’t sick. We were counting the days of places I’ve been to see if it was a possibility for me to be sick. And when I said “I went to my art class the other day” my mom realized that could be a possibility but didn’t wanna say anything. She said she still thought I probably wasn’t s* though. I went back to bed and watched more YouTube videos. I suddenly got reaaaaaally tired and decided to listen to calming music. I put on a song and in the song, someone made a noise that sounded like a g* and that triggered my reflex since I was already feeling it anyway. I knew v* was about to happen but I kept on keeping it from happen. I even started to feel better. So I told my mom I was feeling better and would be downstairs for breakfast soon. I got dressed like I normally would, just feeling tired but not really s*. I went downstairs and got a banana and sat on the couch next to my mom. I ate two bites and started to feel s* again. She had on a cooking show which obviously didn’t make me feel any better. I told a joke to my mom that made me start laughing hard and then my headache and pain all came back. I went from laughing to g* within seconds and then it happened. I rushed to the sink, did my thing and then that was it. I ran back to the living room and started crying like crazy and screaming “what is wrong with me???” But thankfully I didn’t get s* again but I was just super tired and drained the whole day. But we had a birthday party at my house that night since I was feeling better. Since that day, everything has changed. The very next day, I started wondering about every bodily symptom that before then I would’ve totally ignored. Just thinking of bananas sent me into panic, my mom couldn’t watch her cooking show around me and the smallest stomach pain would send me into a panic spiral. Over the summer I got really busy and my phobia got pushed aside. I still worried about it more than I ever did before but I wasn’t panicking and I could get my mind off of it pretty easily. I even got to meet my favorite band (The Vamps) that summer! Which totally distracted me from everything. It was going pretty good until October 2015. I went to Starbucks and got a pumpkin coffee, and had a strange thought of “what if I’m allergic to pumpkin?” And I started to have trouble breathing (not because a health issue, it was my anxiety - but I didn’t know that then.) I calmed down, and the day went on like normal. That night, my family came over and I was in my room singing. I got extremely hot out of nowhere, so I ripped my boots, jacket and scarf off and turned on my fan. I got even more hot. Then my lips went tingly and so did my hands and feet. Then I started getting really dizzy. I ran downstairs to my mom. I had NO idea what was happening. I cried for hours and my grandma (who also has anxiety) helped me and told me it was a panic attack and how she has had them before. They really calmed me down, and after it was over I was so thankful and was glad i’d Probably never experience another one. I was wrong. The next morning, the panic symptoms came back and I was on the verge of another one. I had a panic attack everyday for around 2-3 weeks. I was miserable, tired and my nerves never got a chance to relax because any time I was almost calm, I would panic again. At the same time, my dad lost his job, my brother had a horrible cold that I caught (I’m not even telling that story because it’s too long. I didn’t v* though!!!) and my anxiety was the worst it had ever been. Christmas that year was a total blur because I was so sleep deprived and out of it that I honestly barely remember what happened. In 2016, my anxiety got a lot better. I was still very careful and worried a lot but I wasn’t panicking all the time. I developed OCD hard core though. I couldn’t do simple tasks like cleaning my room because I would have to refill a certain article of clothing 50+ times due to my OCD. My OCD would say “if you don’t fold it like this, you’ll get s*” so I listened to it. I feel like I was dead that whole year. My hair was dry and brittle and almost coming out because I stayed in the shower so long trying to get clean and I brushed my hair super hard because my OCD told me it was the only thing to prevent s* from happening. Thanks to a lovely girl online who helped me with OCD and the help of praying, my OCD went away almost completely!! I was so happy. This was in January 2017 when I was 14. My family had a stressful year though due to family problems. But around June 2017, my anxiety and emetophobia started to pick up again and it’s been bad again ever since. I worry about food and viruses more than I ever have and I’m starting to have panic attacks again. So sadly, that’s where I am now. 15 years old atm. My life is still pretty good I guess. I don’t have controlling OCD anymore, and since I’m older I’m able to think more logically than I used to. But I’m nowhere near recovery yet. Hopefully soon! Sadly, I can’t end my story on a positive note because I have recovered yet. But for all of you out there dealing with this horrible phobia, I know what you’re going through. You’re not alone. I know what it feels like to shaky uncontrollably worrying that any second you’ll be s*. I know what fake n* feels like. I know what worrying to the point you just want to sleep feels like. I know what it feels like to want to die than rather be s*. I know what you feel like! I’ve felt it several times and it’s horrible. But we can get through this together. We are so much stronger than we think we are and we won’t let this phobia beat us. I know it can be so controlling, but we can do it. Getting s* is soooo uncommon. People rarely ever v* and if they do, it’s because they were doing something us careful people wouldn’t. We are so careful that we have way less of a chance than people who aren’t like us - and even they won’t be s*!! Don’t worry. You will be okay. Remember all the times you’ve felt this way and been scared all for nothing. Each time you have a panic attack, it makes you stronger. And remember not to google your symptoms. Google doesn’t know everything and there’s a lot of liars and people who don’t know much out there. Some people probably post things just to scare us health freaks! You’re going to be okay. And you won’t be s*. Keep telling yourself that! You’re okay and we’ll get through this, together. Stay strong my loves!❤️❤️❤️

[h0ldthiscat]

April in Austin

There is literally no need for anyone to write fanfiction for The Leftovers because it’s honestly the most perfect thing that’s ever existed, but because I do The Most, Always, I got this idea and it wouldn’t let me be. 

So enjoy this! Or don’t. 

X

The tile floor in the dealership is so shiny she can see her own reflection. There she is again, just below her sneakers. Alice through the looking glass. Herself and not herself. How would anyone tell them apart? Nora gone topsy-turvy. Both pairs of her simple, white sneakers are scuffed around the toes, shoelaces greying. The heels are reddish from the Texas dust.

The climate had taken some getting used to. She’d had a cough for weeks, a terribly dry, hacking cough that would wake her up in the middle of the night. She remembered the fire, being shaken awake by Matt, being pulled from between her stuffed animals weeks before she’d started second grade. She’d sit upright on their mattress, and take in deep, gasping breaths, splash her face with water in the bathroom, and rock Lily, who she’d inevitably woken.

But she’s used to it now.

She doesn’t miss the winter. She thought she might pine for snow, that it might make her a little melancholy to walk outside in February and not need a jacket. But two winters have come and passed in Jarden and she doesn’t miss March in New York, with clumps of greying snow still piled high in strip mall parking lots. She doesn’t miss the colorless skies and the days that end at 3pm.

“I didn’t know there were this many Garth Brooks songs,” Kevin groans, inclining his head to the speaker above them.

It takes her a moment to realize he’s spoken. “What?” Nora asks.

“It’s like the fifth one they’ve played.” He sings along tunelessly, “I’ve got friends in low places…” She manages a half-hearted smile that’s meant to encourage him, but he stops, clears his throat. “What time did you make the appointment for?”

Nora checks her watch. “Noon. It’s been nearly an hour.”

“We’re gonna have to reschedule with Jill.”

“No, don’t do that. She’s looking forward to seeing you.”

Kevin reaches over and squeezes her hand. “And you.”

She’s sure he’s right. Jill had taken to her quickly and without question two years ago, seeing Nora less as a stereotypical stepmother and more as a confidant. Things had never been awkward or terse between them, even after Nora had needed her space. Jill seemed to have an infinite well of forgiveness and understanding inside of her, something that most people would be lucky to have even a fraction of.

She thinks of the drive to Jarden, the four and a half interminable days in the truck, all of them buzzing with the energy of people starting a new life. While Kevin pumped the gas, she and Jill would take turns walking the dog--god, that fucking dog--around the perimeter of whatever concrete square they’d stumbled upon. Jill would speak freely, words coming out of her like she hadn’t spoken for a year, like her mother. Like her real mother.

“You should call her,” Nora says, taking a deep breath. “Tell her we’ll be late.”

“No, you call her,” Kevin sighs, checking his watch. “She won’t answer if it’s me.”

“Yeah, okay.”

Nora hadn’t gone with them to move Jill to Austin last year. They’d shopped together for a duvet cover and dorm room decor, searched online for cheap textbooks; she and Kevin had gotten into an argument loading the truck with those ugly clear storage bins. And then she just kept picturing the car ride up there: her and Kevin and Laurie and John and Jill all squeezed into the cab, a cut-and-paste family that they’d slapped together in the aftermath of the apocalypse. Would Jill sit up front with her dad? Would she want to sit with Laurie, sandwiched in the backseat? It made Nora’s head hurt, so she’d ultimately decided to stay home, said she wasn’t feeling well, and kissed Jill goodbye on the forehead.

Jill doesn’t pick up and the voicemail beep catches Nora by surprise.

“Hey, Jill. It’s Nora. Um, your dad and I are running a little behind at the car place, will you be okay if we don’t do lunch until 3? I know that’s a little late. Do you have class? Just call me, let me know. Bye.” She hangs up and chucks her phone into her purse. “Voicemail.”

“Yeah, I got that.” Kevin runs a hand over his face.

Nora checks her watch. “We made an appointment for a reason, this is ridiculous.”

“Maybe they’re just backed up or something--”

Before she can think twice about it, Nora marches to the front desk. “Excuse me,” she says loudly, making the young woman seated there jump. “Hi. We had an appointment an hour ago and no one’s come to check in with us.”

The woman smiles tentatively, her dark eyes wide. “I can look up the appointment for you, what’s the last name?”

She feels Kevin at her side, sliding a hand across her shoulder. “Everything okay?”

She gives him a quick smile. “Yeah honey, we’re fine.” She turns back to the counter girl. “It should be under Durst.”

“Durst…” The woman mumbles to herself and types it in the computer. “I’m sorry Mrs. Durst, we don’t have any records under that name…”

“That’s impossible, I made the reservation two weeks ago when we knew we’d be in town.”

“I’m sure you did ma’am, but--”

“Don’t call me ma’am.”

Kevin’s hand is at the small of her back, rubbing tiny circles. He’s so gentle she could punch him. “Nora.” His voice is quiet, so quiet she’s almost the only one who can hear it.

A headache throbs at the bridge of her nose and she tries again. “Can we, uh--Is there someone else who can show us some options today?”

“Y’all don’t want to reschedule?”

“No, we don’t. We’re only up here today, and I need to buy a car today because I start work next week.”

“Well if y’all are in a hurry I can show you some models that are ready to go. You can walk away with one of them today.”

“I know, that’s why we made an appointment.”

“Nora…” Kevin squeezes her shoulder.

She sighs. “That’d be great. Please.”

“Great! Well my name’s Lily, and I’m so excited you’ve chosen--”

For a moment Nora thinks she might pass out. She wonders if she’s fallen through the floor, become the Other Nora under her feet, her reflection. The girl’s lips move, but Nora doesn’t hear her. Her ears ring like someone’s fired a gun beside her head. For an instant, her chest is leaden, a huge weight crushing her, pulverizing her into the red dust stuck in the soles of her sneakers. She remembers reading once that the symptoms of a heart attack are different in women, but she can’t remember what they are.

“I’m--I’m sorry,” she hears herself say, though her tongue is thick and awkward in her mouth. “Can we--is there someone else who we--who can--”

“Honey, she’s the only--” Kevin stops. She feels his hand come to rest at the small of her back, grounding her. She comes back to her body, amazed to find herself still standing. Her chest loosens, her breaths rise and fall normally. Conscious and vertical, a professor of hers used to joke when he was asked after.

“You know what,” Kevin says, “why don’t we show ourselves around and we’ll come grab you if anything catches our eye?”

The girl nods and smiles; Nora thinks she feels her glare at her but she can’t tell. Kevin guides her away, out into the parking lot, and the heat hits her right in the back of the throat, like opening the dryer. Like her smoke-filled childhood bedroom. Like a bike ride on a very cold day. There aren’t really any cold days in Jarden.

Kevin takes her hand and they walk up and down the aisles, trying to find something new-ish that won’t break the bank. Before everything, on the days when she’d wanted some time alone, she’d pictured herself, hair tied up with a printed scarf, waving out the window of an old convertible on her way to god knows where. Now she’d settle for a sunroof and good gas mileage.

“You okay back there?” Kevin asks.

“I’m great,” she says airly, not meeting his eyes.

“Everyone here drives white trucks, you notice that?” Kevin says, pointing at the row as they walk past.

“They don’t get as hot, I guess.” Nora shrugs.

They stroll past shiny SUVs, past station wagons with their little hatchbacks and sedans that somehow all boast they were MotorTrend’s car of the year, and stop at the end of an aisle in the back, mostly older models that wouldn’t look as good out front.

“I haven’t shopped for a car since I was pregnant with Jeremy,” she says, hands on her hips. She squints into the Texas sun and Kevin shifts uncomfortably beside her. “It’s okay,” she tells him. “I don’t mind talking about it.”

“You just--you don’t say their names very often,” he says.

“It doesn’t mean I don’t think about them.”

Years ago when she’d tried therapy, her therapist had told her that grief was a river, and her loss was the current: constantly moving, shifting, but always in the same direction. She pictures her children in little bubbles atop the water, like Alice after she drinks the potion, floating along with 140 million other bubbles. Is Lily there with them? No, she thinks bitterly, Lily isn’t in the water, because her real mommy decided she wanted her back.

“Hey,” he says, “if you’re--nervous about going back to work…”

“I’m not nervous. I liked my job. I’m thankful to have it back. It’ll be good.”

Kevin nods. “Yeah.”

Nora kicks at a huge tire on one of the trucks in the row. “What if I got one of these things? How small do you think someone’s dick has to be to have a truck like this?”

Kevin laughs. “You don’t have a dick but you’ve got pretty big balls, I’ll give you that.”

“You sure know how to flatter a lady.” Swept with a sudden burst of affection for him, she kisses him hard, standing on tiptoe in her sneakers. “Wanna check this thing out?” she asks, inclining her head toward the ridiculously huge truck beside them.

“Is it unlocked?” Kevin asks.

She hoists herself up and tugs at the handle of the back door, and gets a rush of giddy delight when it opens. She’d been a pretty well-behaved teenager, with only the occasional burst of impulsive recklessness. No late night jumps out the window to meet boys at parties. No joints behind the dumpsters at school--well, not many. Her circumstances had been interesting enough, she hadn’t needed that thrill like the other kids did.

But now, in a used car lot in Texas, she gets why people break the rules.

“Nora, we--”

“Shh, get up here!”

From the backseat she extends her hand down to him. He looks at her the way he always does, with one eyebrow raised and a smirk in the corner of his mouth, like maybe he doesn’t believe anything she says. Or maybe he believes all of it. It’s been nearly three years, after all. Two and a half? Is that all? She’s not sure where she should start counting from.

Last year in bed, Kevin said, “Do you think we should get married?”

She’d shrugged. “I was married once and I don’t think I’d like to be again.”

“I don’t need it. I was just wondering if you wanted to.”

“A marriage to you would almost certainly end in divorce,” she’d teased. When he looked stung she’d laughed and kissed his shoulder. “I mean, historically speaking.”

“Your track record’s not so great either.”

“Kevin, all I’ve got are happy memories of you in divorce court and I’d never want to ruin those.”

In the backseat of the truck, he puts his hand on her knee, rubs his thumb at the apex of her patella. “Whatcha thinking about?” he asks.

She blinks a couple of times, almost heady with new car smell. “Who wants leather seats in a truck?” she asks. “Wouldn’t they get ruined?”

“Okay. What are you really thinking about?” Kevin asks.

Nora reaches over and picks at a hole in the leg of his jeans. He’s so warm all the time. “Divorcing you.”

He kisses her quietly, almost nervously. Like they’re teenagers in the back of someone’s dad’s car. Like he’s never lifted her off the floor of the shower when she doesn’t think she’ll ever be able to move again. Like he’s hopeful.

“What do you think?” he asks against her cheek. “A big truck for the lady with big balls?”

“I don’t wanna buy this one,” she says, “but let’s see how roomy this backseat is.”

Kevin smirks. “Are you serious?”

“As a heart attack.”

She takes his hand and puts it on her thigh, just below her jean shorts. When she kisses him she tastes the sweat on his upper lip, feels his stubble against her chin, her cheek. He’s growing it out, but she knows he’d never say it’s for her.

He’s pulling her shirt from the waistband of her shorts when her phone buzzes in her back pocket, vibrating against the leather seat she’d mocked moments earlier.

“That’ll be Jill,” she mumbles, and thinks, fuck your daughter. She smirks against his mouth.

Kevin’s hands still at her waist. “Yeah.”

“Hey honey,” she says, answering the phone. “Did you get my voicemail?”

Jill’s voice is tinny on the other end of the line. Wind whips past the speaker, making her hard to hear. She’d totally gotten her days mixed up, she’s so sorry, couldn’t they do it the next time they’re in town? Her next class is in thirty minutes anyway. She’s really sorry. How’s Dad? How’s--

Jill stops, catching herself before it derails the conversation. Nora pretends not to notice. She nods and assures her that it’s fine. Kevin grumbles something about it not being fine and that he misses her, he’ll call her later. Nora gives a cheerful, upwardly-inflected goodbye; she hears herself like she’s at one end of a tunnel, like she’s racing uphill towards daybreak and the only desperate thought in her ragged mind is, just keep me where the light is.

[myndopeus]

Get to Know Me Tag

The Rules: Answer 92 statements and tag 20 people

 @bisexualpowerranger tagged me in this bc she a gemini

LAST: 1. Drink: Water 2. Phone call: My brother to let me into the house 3. Text message: my spouse-friend, Snake Spouse 4. Song you listened to: Heaven in Hiding by Halsey, bc i need to write my angst fic 5. Time you cried: idk man, like, a week ago maybe?

HAVE YOU: 6. Dated someone twice: No 7. Kissed someone and regretted it: Yup 8. Been cheated on: Yes 9. Lost someone special: ehhh kinda? 10. Been depressed: when have i not been, lmao 11. Gotten drunk and thrown up: ......yeah

LIST 3 FAVE COLORS: 12-14: Blue, Red, Black

IN THE LAST YEAR HAVE YOU: 15. Made new friends: i caught a bunch of hot ppl using a discord server 16. Fallen out of love: i think, yeah 17. Laughed until you cried: many times, yes 18. Found someone was talking about you: No, thankfully 20. Found out who your friends are: No?? 21. Kissed someone on your Facebook: not in the last year, no

GENERAL: 22. How many people on your Facebook know you in real life: i’ve met all of them irl, but i_dont_know_her.gif 23. Pets: I have a Dragon named Dog 24. Do I wanna change my name: i don’t wanna get rid of my name, but i would like to change between names sometimes 25. What did you do on your last birthday: i don’t remember, lmao, time doesn’t exist 26. What time do you wake up: um, it depends. sometimes its 11am, sometimes its 5:45am 27. What were you doing at midnight last night: boi, i can’t even tell u what i was doing 2 minutes ago oh wait, i was asleep, nvmd 28. Can’t wait for: a Power Rangers sequel 29. When was the last time I saw my mom: an hour ago 30. Change in life: a lot of my friendships have changes/matured, which has been a p big change 31. Listening to right now: The Trimberly Dwarves talkin shit 32. Have you talked to a person named Tom: Probably, at school 33. What gets on my nerves the most: migraines. fucking hate them. also sticky heat 34. Most visited website: tumblry/youtube 35. Moles: yeah 36. Birthmarks: i have a blue one on my back, its sick 37. Childhood dream: don’t remember, but i probs didn’t expect to be a depressed piece of shit 38. Hair color: Black 39. Long or short: i’m growin my hair out, but it’s still p short 40. Crush: Naomi Scott can kick my ass and i’d thank her 41. Something you like about yourself: fuckin uhhhhhhh, i have Good Hair? 42. Piercings: just earlobe piercings 43. Blood type: O?? i think?? 44. Nicknames: myn, mynd, mom/mum, momther, A Literal God (bc i won the hunger games simulator twice in a row) 45. Relationship status: single 46. Zodiac: Leo 47. Pronouns: Usually they/them, but i’m cool with any others sometimes 48. Fave TV show: don’t really have one atm, but i’d say wynonna earp bc s2 is on 50. Right or left hand: Right 51. Surgery: Nope 52. Hair dyed different color: i dyed my hair blue once 53. Sports: i currently do rowing and fencing, but i wanna do more martial arts and parkour 55. Vacay: no matter where i go, my depressed ass is still gonna end up lying in bed on my laptop 56. Current shoes: white sperrys?? (stole them from my mom)

MORE GENERAL: 57. Eating: ye 58. Drinking: ye 59. I’m about to: drink water bc i have a fuckin headache 62. Want: to not have a headache 63. Get married: i mean, i already am, lol (jk.... or am i?)) 64. Career: maybe psychotherapy 65. Hugs or kisses: i don’t like random hugs from most ppl, but if i’m good friends with you, then both. 66. Lips or Eyes: lips

67. Shorter or taller: shorter, but i’m also super short so unrealistic, so taller

68. Older or younger: it usually ends up being younger 70. Nice arms or nice stomach: i like both, fam, idc 71. Sensitive or loud: sensitive 72. Hook up or relationship: Relationship 73. Troublemaker or hesitant: troublemaker (but realistically? hesitant bc #anxiety)

HAVE YOU EVER: 74. Kissed a Stranger: Tragically, Yes 75. Drank hard liquor: Yes 76. Lost glasses/contact lenses: Oh yeah 77. Turned someone down: Yes 78. Sex on the first date: No 79. Broken someone’s heart: probably not, lmao 80. Had your heart broken: tons of times, lmao 81. Been arrested: No 82. Cried when someone died: Yes 83. Fallen for a friend: I’m gay, of course I have

DO YOU BELIEVE IN: 84: Yourself: hell naw, this bitch untrustworthy af 85. Miracles: maybe 86. Love at first sight: ehh 87. Santa Claus: used to 88. Kiss on the first date: ehh, depends on the mood

OTHER: 90. Current best friend name: Eliot, mah brow 91. Eye color: Brown/Black 92. Favorite movie: rn, Saban’s Power Rangers

I’m gonna tag uhhhh, idk, the trimberly dwarves, and anyone who wants to do this

[lilietsblog]

tag meme

tagged by @kerowyn-ankh​ man you keep tagging me in these wonderful things and I keep leaving them open in a tab to do later and then just. not doing that. im so sorry. i love them. please do this forever

Name: Hanna! or Anna. If you call me Ganna you'll be technically correct but I might just cry. LILIET FOR Y'ALL MY NAME IS LILIET

Nicknames: eeeh I'm assuming you are not trying to refer to my memories of being bullied from kindergarten to middle school nor asking about all the vast landscape of RP characters I've made on RP forums where your character's name had to be your nickname... so, um, Liliet. Or if you're asking for pet names / diminutives for my actual real life name, Anya, Anyuta... basically anything that Russian allows except Nyusha and Nyura I will fucking deck you for that

Zodiac sign: Equius what do you mean that is not a zodiac sign

Height: 156 cm

Orientation: aro ace last I checked

Nationality: Ukrainian

Favorite fruit: THIS IS LIKE ASKING WHICH OF MY PARENTS I LOVE MORE. I'll go with "tomato" just to underscore the feeling of being utterly lost that I experience looking at this question.

Favorite season: UHHHHHH. I HAVE TROUBLE PLAYING FAVORITES OKAY. I'll go with "summer" I guess bc WALKING BAREFOOT ON THE GRASS. And hiking. And swimming. And horrible, horrible stuffy heat you cannot escape from okay look I have trouble playing favorites okay

Favorite book: AAAA. HOW. ALL OF THEM. You know what I'll go with "Demon's Dance" by Zimina bc while she has very tenuous grasp of spelling, punctuation and grammar of the language she writes in her books have brought me hours of joy. It's trash. It's my favorite trash.

Favorite flower: uhhh roses. They are pretty. There's a reason they are a popular choice. SO MANY COLORS

Favorite scent: outdoors without exhaust fumes. I AM A BIG CITY CHILD. I literally don't give a fuck what it smells like give me cow manure and rotting swamp JUST AS LONG AS IT'S NOT EXHAUST OR CIGARETTE SMOKE.

Favorite color: fuuuuuuu this is REALLY HARD OKAY. I DO NOT DISCRIMINATE AGAINST COLORS. Maybe pink but like so many different shades of pink it's not even the same color so I guess I'm cheating by picking pink? Whatever.

Favorite animal: rats, cats, foxes, dogs, ravens, dolphins, rabbits, horses yes I did in fact give up thank you for noticing.

Coffee, tea, or hot cocoa: Tea, because it's much easier to make tasty than cocoa, doesn't cause headaches like coffee (COFFEE I LOVE YOU WHY ARE YOU SO MEAN TO ME) and has SO MANY VARIATIONS. I love all of them. Except the gross ones. Which ones taste gross to me varies day by day but thankfully tea is VAST AND DIVERSE.

Average sleep hours: hmmm if I say I go to sleep at 11 pm and get up at 7:30 that gives me 8:30. Sounds about right. Except for when I go to sleep at 2 am :>

Cat or dog person: I am a rat person. I love rats. I want to get a rat as soon as we move to our new house. I also love cats and am a cat person and have dreamed of having a cat for years and now my cuddlebug cat is my greatest joy. I love every single dog I've ever interacted with and we are going to get a dog and I'm so happy and I'm a dog person. I DO NOT DISCRIMINATE BETWEEN WONDERFUL AND JOYOUS PETS OKAY

Favorite fictional character: urgh. You are not making it easy on me. Basically I have several Types that I love every single one of: 1) nerdy stoic/emotionless bookish smart girl not good with people, aka me. Twilight Sparkle, Ayanami Rei (yes I group them together here bc I love them in the same way), Hermione Granger, the list goes on. You know them when you see them; 2) a kid who's been doing horrible things because of parental issues and struggles with the concept of empathy and being a good person bc they weren't really taught how. Vriska Serket, Marvel's Loki, I KNOW THEY ARE ALL TERRIBLE THAT'S THE SELECTION CRITERION BUT THEY ARE MY CHILDREN AND I WILL PROTECT AND GUIDE THEM TILL THE END OF MY DAYS; 3) a dark-haired (preferably LONG haired) stoic/emotionless pretty guy who's Been Through Shit and as a result acts offstandish to everyone but really just Suffers. Often overlaps with 2), like Marvel's Loki. Popular examples include Uchiha Sasuke. The fucking trashiest examples I get angry at myself for even acknowledging include Kylo Ren. I'm sorry. I'm so fucking sorry.

Apart from that, I also love TRAITS in characters that make them my absolute faves: - hypercompetence. Does not necessarily mean "can do anything they need to" but "has a very good idea of their own ability and can tell how hard a challenge will be realistically ahead of time". That's literally all I ask for how hard is it to provide writers (I am an anxious baby okay this is Important For My Mental Health) - hyperempathy. Gimme Heart of Gold who will sympathize with and forgive literally the person who is currently trying to kill them. Gimme someone who is legitimately tortured over not being able to help everyone at the same time and is running themselves to death forgetting self-care. GIMME - trickster traits. Like yeah I fucking hate pranks and the kind of joke where you're supposed to know the other person is not speaking seriously but tricksters - strategists, pranksters, shapeshifters, teleporters - are still delightful and wonderful and REALLY FUN. OH LOOK THIS IS ALSO LOKI FUCK THAT GUY FOR HOW MUCH OF MY HEADSPACE HE TAKES UP. wait not even a guy all the time Loki's genderfluid PRONOUNS ARE HARD - a politician who is selflessly working for the good of people. I WISH I WAS JOKING BUT I AM NOT. I have SUCH a hard-on for political fantasy and GO WATCH LOG HORIZON IF YOU WANT TO UNDERSTAND WHAT I AM TALKING ABOUT. This is one of my most favorite things in the book world

actually now that I've remembered Log Horizon I would like to nominate Shiroe as my Absolute Fucking Fave bc while tumblr provides very little content re: him and I cannot flourish in a fandom without other people, he is like the dense concentration of all my favorite things in one character. I can't even say that it's a flaw that he's a guy bc a certain flavor of selflessness and caring is much more fun in a guy bc girls are already socially expected to be like that and Fuck That Noise. I love him the way he is I love EVERYTHING ABOUT HIM /goes off to cry also he's aro ace fight me

Number of blankets you sleep with: one, but a REALLY BIG AND HEAVY one. I don't care how hot it is I will wrap myself around the blanket instead of the blanket around myself I NEED IT

Dream trip: hmm. This is actually an interesting question because I've never thought of it that way. I'd like to go everywhere possible but logistics of travel are hard and frustrating and I like hiking and grrrhh. I dunno. I want to be able to fly

Blog created: 4/13 2014, around midnight. I WILL NEVER FORGET

[suckitsurveys]

What’s your favourite cereal? Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Is there a bus stop near your house? There’s one at the end of my block. And a train station a few blocks away too. Do you prefer red wine or white wine? Red. What’s the last airport you were at? Why were you there? Midway, to pick up Sarah when she came here for my birthday.

Who do you live with? My boyfriend and my father and Satan aka my grandmother. Do you read reddit? If so, how often and what subreddits do you like? I don’t. Have you recently broken up with a significant other or even just a friend? Nope. What’s the weather like today? Is it nice enough to go outside? It’s cold. Do you know anyone who’s had a baby recently? My best friend’s sister. She named her baby Hannah after me! Just kidding but a girl can dream. Have you used a pen or pencil today? What did you write down? Yes. What does your last text message say and who is it from? I don’t feel like typing it because it requires so much context. Can you count how many times you’ve seen your favourite film? Nope. I’ve seen it A LOT. When was the last time you ate marshmallows? Recently, in hot chocolate. Do you listen to any podcasts? How do you listen to them? Nope. How old will you be in the year 2030? 40/41. Does your skin bruise easily? Do you have any bruises right now? What from? Yeah. What was the last thing you spent $150 or more on? Christmas presents. Do you prefer yes or no questions or more open-ended questions? In surveys, open-ended. What brand of toilet paper do you usually buy? The store brand. If I knocked on your door right now, would you be acceptable dressed? I’m not at my house. Why did you leave your last job? I was only hired for the season. What colour were the last socks you wore? I’m currently wearing Bob Belcher socks which are black with white heels and toes and have Bob’s face on them. Are you studying currently? What level of education and what do you study? No thank fucking god. Have you ever eaten at a restaurant and left without paying? I have, on total and complete accident. I was in the bathroom and my friend at the time was at the table and she had the check and I was under the impression we agreed she was going to pay but her dumb ass thought I was going to pay. So when I came out of the bathroom, she was outside, so I figured she took care of it, so I walked out to meet her and we were like almost to the car when I was like “so how much was it?” and she was like “i don’t know, I didn’t look because I thought you were paying.” So I went back in and told the waitress what happened and she was cool about it and I paid. What was the last thing that made you laugh out loud? There was probably something since then, but Kristen Wigg and Steve Carell’s skit at the Golden Globes. What’s your favourite scent of air freshener? Ehh, just a fresh scent is fine. How many weddings have you ever been to? Hmm. 3? I’ve been in all of them too. No wait! That’s a lie, I forgot about my cousin’s wedding a couple years ago. I was merely a guest at that one. Do you know anyone named Nora? I used to. My Aunt’s husband’s mother was named Nora, but she passed away a while ago. Are your hands and feet in good condition or could you do with a mani-pedi? My hands and feet are SO DRY. I might treat myself to a mani-pedi this Saturday. When was the last time you played a board game? What did you play? Yikes, it’s been a while since I’ve played with an actual board. I played Cards Against Humanity online the other night with Ellen and Kayla if that counts. How old were you when you first became sexually active? 20. Have you ever been to a festival for beer or other type of alcohol? Yeah, I’ve been to an OktoberFest before. Do you own a record player and/or vinyls? There is one in our attic, but it’s my fathers. I have no real interest in it on my own. When was the last time you went out for drinks? I don’t really go out just for drinks. I’m usually getting dinner too. Have you ever been to a strip club? Nope. I’d love to go to one to be honest. Do you know anyone with a ‘virtue name’? I had to look these up. I know a Faith, a couple Graces, and a Joy. I used to know a Verity but only online. Would you ever wear real authentic leather? Eh. Have you taken out the trash today? Nope. How often do you wear make-up? Rarely. I plan on wearing some this weekend for our shop’s holiday dinner. What’s your opinion on The Simpsons? I don’t hate it but I’ve never really gotten super into it. Do you prefer horizontal or vertical stripes? Both are nice. Do you know anyone who has been through a divorce? A few people, yeah. If you had the money, would you take taxis everywhere instead of driving? No. I hate taxis and uber and lyft. Have you ever done a juice cleanse? No, because they’re all giant scams. Do you have any friends who you can’t decide if they’re attractive or not? I am friends with someone I was friends with in gradeschool on Facebook and she always posts really unflattering pictures of her face but every once in a while there will be a really pretty one so I’m like what is the truth? Is the inside of your fridge clean right now or does it need a clean out? Ugh we need to clean all of them out. The fridge in our kitchen gets filled up because my grandmother saves EVERYTHING she doesn’t eat. The mini fridge Mark and I have in the basement has been ignored because we have a full size one now, which can stand to be wiped down. That mini fridge is so gross we are afraid to open it haha. When was the last time you washed the dishes? Mark is usually the one who does the dishes. Are there any magazines that you read on a regular basis? There aren’t. Do you have to pay for parking in most places in the town/city you live in? Yeah, it’s so stupid because it’s not like there are free buses and trains and shit so whatever you do you have to pay to go places. Unless you are crafty and can find free spots. What’s the first thing you tend to do when you have a headache? Take something. Tell me about your responsibilities at work. I open doors with magic. Can you hear lots of traffic from your house? Does it bother you? There’s an expressway and train track basically in our backyard. I don’t really notice it inside the house, except for if the windows are open, but even then it doesn’t bother me. You become used to it really easily. The trains you can hear and feel on the inside of the house every once in a while, but not enough to disturb anything we are doing. Have you ever had proper Canadian poutine with the squeaky cheese? No, poutine does NOT appeal to me at all because I do not like gravy. Do your parents know how to operate smartphones and/or computers? My dad is pretty good with his phone and computer. How old are your parents, anyway? My father is 67 in April. Are you allergic to anything? What do you have to do to prevent them? Nope. What song is stuck in your head at the moment? There isn’t one. What’s your boss’ first name? Do you call him/her by that name? His first name is Anthony. Everyone calls him Tony. When was the last time you wore a uniform of any kind? What colour was it? It’s been AGES. Did you complete a survey before taking this one? Will you take one after? I did and maybe if I find one I like. Have you ever lost enough weight to drop a dress size? Hah. What’s your favourite kind of bread? Garlic. When was the last time you got pizza? What toppings did you get? It was fairly recently. There was definitely pepperoni on it. Do you own Monopoly? Is it the original or a special version? Yup. I have a Nightmare Before Christmas version I have literally never played haha. I think I have an original version too. What was the last thing you said out loud? ”Okay” You have to choose one: cats or dogs? Cats. How do you travel to and from work? My car that’s probably going to explode any day now. Do you primarily use cash or card for your purchases? Why? My credit or debit card. Because its SO convenient. Have you ever been to a stadium concert? Yeah, I’ve seen a few bands in stadium concerts. I saw Red Hot Chili Peppers with my sister like 10 years ago. And when I was younger I vaguely remember seeing the Counting Crows (hi @tapiooocasurveys) with my sister and father at a stadium. And Bob Dylan too. I feel there’s probably another one I’m forgetting. OH! Blink-182 when I was a pre-teen.

[sinrau]

Personal Experience

–Medium

Reid Gan

Everyone is asking how I’m doing and for the most part, I’m just angry at myself. Physically, at the moment, I’m actually fine. But I’m emotionally livid.

I’m angry that I clearly didn’t take the proper precautions, and didn’t take it as seriously as I should have. I’m angry that I’ve put my roommate and close friends in danger. I’m angry that I can’t leave my room without a mask and gloves just to feed my dog or make breakfast.

I’m angry that I’ve done a whole bunch of work on fitness this year just to take at least two weeks to lay down and not do anything. I’m angry that I can’t even go do socially distant activities. I’m angry that others went on spring break and didn’t get sick. Or maybe they did but didn’t bother to get tested because they were asymptomatic.

I’m angry because it’s a complete guessing game as to where I might have gotten it, but it still feels like entirely my fault. I’m angry that I can’t talk about that without feeling selfish.

I’m embarrassed that I got it, honestly. I took my pup for a short walk today (mask and gloves) and I felt like the character in a zombie movie that had been bitten and it was only a matter of time. I have an overwhelming feeling of guilt — it’s like I let everyone down. Truthfully, that’s been the worst part about it, for me.

For that, I’m sorry.

What COVID-19 Feels Like Physically, Thus Far

I should start by saying, I’m a 30-year-old in good health. No medical conditions to speak of, like maybe a cavity. I played sports all my life, and played soccer in college. I’ve continued on with fitness and competition somewhat rigorously. I’m in decent shape and I try to eat healthy meals as often as I can, with the occasional fast food, pizza, or cheeseburger.

On Wednesday, earlier this week, I felt it coming on. I just started to feel like shit — not really a better way to put it. I felt a bit congested and had a headache brewing. I felt really tired, more so than usual, like it wasn’t just the typical 2 P.M. workday slump, but I didn’t know what it was. I do remember hoping that it wasn’t the coronavirus.

I went home and made soup and started treating myself like I was sick already. After eating, I took a hot shower, popped vitamin C and ibuprofen, and bundled up in a hoodie and sweatpants. I’ve found that sweating out a flu and embracing the fever is one of the best ways to get it to break quickly. I’ve become a master of kicking any sickness — I get sick once a year for 24 hours and then it’s over — and was going to approach this the same way.

That night it took me for a ride in waves — I had the chills and then hot flashes. I woke up in puddles of sweat on a couple of different occasions.

In the morning, I called out of work, gave my boss and coworkers the proper warning, and started monitoring my temperature. It was 99.0 when I got out of bed. A little later into Thursday afternoon, it was 99.5, then 99.8.

And suddenly it was 100.9.

My skin started to hurt and I started coughing a bit. Then it would pivot and I would be freezing, literally shaking. It was definitely a fever and definitely a flu.

“My skin started to hurt and I started coughing a bit.“

Friday morning, after sweating it out one more night, I actually felt almost entirely normal.

Today is Sunday, and while I still feel fine, I’ve started to lose my sense of taste and my sense of smell. While I was cooking dinner, I twisted off the top on a jar of minced garlic and took a big whiff. Nothing.

I don’t mean to be overly dramatic by any means. Other than the taste and smell, it’s quite candidly like any other flu I’ve ever had. Don’t get me wrong, it sucked. But for me, it wasn’t the devil knocking at my door. At least not yet.

So far I haven’t had any trouble breathing, my lips haven’t turned blue, and things seem to be returning to normal.

Getting A COVID-19 Test

Thursday, my sickest day, I spent much of it trying to register for a COVID-19 test. The CVS website portal was slow as molasses, and it wouldn’t work. It kept showing me available times and then after I would fill everything out it would tell me that the appointment slot was not available and to choose another time. I did this seven times. This was hell while trying to cope with the sickness.

I knew I needed a COVID test because I needed to warn whoever I may have been in contact with, as well as take the proper precautions moving forward. So I kept trying.

I called the CVS nearest me and they were no help. After a 20 minute hold to speak to the pharmacy (I eventually just drove over there, while on hold — I spoke to someone faster that way), I was told that they can’t see me unless I make an appointment and they can’t make an appointment for me.

The gentleman told me to call CVS corporate and complain that the site was down. It seemed he’d been dealing with this problem every day for months.

“This was hell while trying to cope with the sickness.”

I grabbed a couple of Gatorades and drove home. I was exhausted, so I got in bed around 8:00 P.M.

Friday morning, one of my friends sent me a screenshot-flyer with the names and addresses of the testing sites set up by the county. After unsuccessfully trying three different addresses, I found one in the fourth. The first three were actually occupied by major protests.

The testing site I ended up going to was in a parking lot of some government building. There were a couple of tents, probably seven volunteer workers total, and a long line of cars serpentining through the otherwise empty lot. The workers were blunt and concise, but friendly.

One of them made it a point to reassure each person that it wasn’t the excessively long q-tip test that went viral, and that it’s not painful. I’ll admit I was a bit relieved at that, because going into it, I was scared to have my brain fluid swabbed.

When it was my turn, one of the workers approached my car in what was essentially a hazmat suit. They used a long stick with a claw mechanism to hand me a plastic bag with the materials I would need to perform the test myself. I drove up to the testing station, leaving Claw-Man behind. A nice woman approached my vehicle, also in a hazmat suit, and instructed me on how to administer the test.

Basically, they gave me a long, thin plastic stick with a slightly thicker sponge on the tip — the sponge was maybe one inch in length. I was told to stick it up each nostril, one at a time, until it was uncomfortable and swab it around five times.

She said it should make me want to sneeze. I sneezed both times, after removing it from each nostril. Then I put the stick, sponge-side-down, into a tube filled with some kind of fluid, that I imagine makes it easier to analyze. I sealed the tube, put the materials back in the bag, and handed it back the woman, who grabbed it with her claw. Claw-Woman.

It was not painful. I’ve heard some places are still using the q-tip, and that it can be painful, so I don’t think this is any sort of guarantee. Either way, worth it to know for sure.

The next day, within 24 hours, I got the text that told me my test did, in fact, detect COVID-19.

That text sucked. I already had plans for that evening, assuming that I was fine, mainly because I felt fine.

And then came the guilt.

Dealing With COVID-19 Mentally

The very first thought I had was actually to tell my family, warn my coworkers, and cancel my plans.

After that, I felt really guilty. I have been social distancing to some extent, but had a decent-size circle of friends that I had started to see with some regularity. I missed them and I needed them.

If you’re at all like me, you’ve been preoccupied with a lot of other issues happening, and COVID has kind of taken a backseat. Also, you’ve seen thousands of your friends and your friends’ friends protesting, partying, vacationing, and enjoying some of the newfound freedoms of early openings and more.

It seems like no one is getting sick.

And also, if you’re at all like me, you’ve been tired of social distancing for a while now, and you just want to feel normal again, especially with what’s going on in the world. This is a really scary, weird, sad, and new time for all of us. We all need each other.

I took the current scenario as a sign to be sure to show my friends and loved ones just how much they mean to me. So I wanted to spend time with them. I wanted to hold them. I wanted to soak them up.

But fuck, man.

Now I feel like a jerk. Now I may have just put all of them in danger. As someone who typically feels responsible for my friends’ wellbeing, the guilt that comes with that is unbearable for me.

“…you just want to feel normal again…”

I also realize that any one of them may have given it to me. And that it’s not exactly just my fault. For all we know, I’m just the only one who showed symptoms and was therefore the only one to get tested. Everyone’s just hoping, with blind optimism, that they aren’t carrying it.

Shouldn’t it be mandatory to get tested? If we can administer the tests ourselves, why haven’t we sent testing kits and instructions to every household, and made everyone find out? Why are we just relying on scout’s honor?

It’s a hopeless game to start guessing and trying to figure out how I might have gotten it, what surface I might have touched, etc. So I know I can’t let my mind wander down that path for too long. But then you’re also faced with an actual, legitimate, extra-cautious quarantine, which feels even longer than two weeks given the circumstance and your mind can’t help but take a gander.

My roommate (also my best friend) and I aren’t even seeing each other now, which is a little awkward, but we both know it’s for the best. It’s like we don’t exist. Meanwhile, I’m just in my room in silence, or with music or Netflix, thinking about how I let him down.

I’m particularly aggravated seeing people party on social media now, too. Like how are ya’ll not sick, and I’m in quarantine with COVID? It doesn’t seem fair. Not that I was some stellar example of social distancing myself, but I definitely was more careful than sharing a funnel and doing body shots on a boat.

My mom reminds me that sometimes doing the responsible thing doesn’t come with a reward.

Another aspect of dealing with this mentally is fear.

I’ve heard and read stories about how people get released from the hospital, thinking they’ve handled the coronavirus, and that’s when it rears its head and puts you on your back. It’s a scary virus.

It sort of seemed too easy to me. I actually was convinced that it couldn’t have been the big, bad coronavirus based on how quickly I was over it and felt fine.

So I’m sort of stuck between the ideas of laying down and resting constantly and also trying to remain mildly active. I don’t want to become weaker than the virus is already making me, but I also don’t want to overexert myself. I’ve been taking extra vitamin C to be sure my immune system is in working order, but doesn’t over-respond. I’ve been drinking tons of water and being sure to sanitize and disinfect whatever I can.

Strangely, as of writing this, I feel totally normal.

It’s a very similar vibe to the scene in a horror movie that’s just too calm to be unessential. And then they just cut to a new scene and it turns out everything was literally fine.

It’s like that, every day.

Again, this all may come off as mildly dramatic, especially with a lot of the other horrors that are going on right now. But I’m only trying to depict an accurate image.

I’m sorry this hasn’t been more of a feel-good rendition, so I’ll try to end on a happier note.

Honestly, I actually don’t feel sick at all. And I have been more than grateful for my friends who have reached out to check on me each day. They’re still making all the difference in the world.

So yes, definitely hold and love yours.

But it also wouldn’t hurt to get tested. And please, exercise more caution than you currently are.

–Medium

Reid Gan