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yanderecandystore · 4 years ago

Note

Hello, this is the first time I’ve come here and I’d like, if possible, you could place my order, I don’t remember if I already placed that ask or something, so if yes, sorry to bother you...

I can order something with Yandere! Vampire with a Vampire Slayer! Reader, please...

Welcome in!

Well yes boo, you did make a very similar request, and I'm sorry if it took me like a long time to answer you (at least to me it feels like a whole month has passed, time has been so slow and so fast somehow-) it's just that I'm dealing with a lot of stuff outside of Tumblr and although I try to not think about it, it does affect my performance in writing. Also you're not bothering me at all boo!

Also I just realized something, normally when I write I put really mean remarks about the reader but it's not supposed to be taken seriously by you guys, as it's mostly either an look into the perspective of the ocs (normally the bullies who are very mean and cruel-) or even an exaggeration on the reader's current mind state (if the reader feels dumb about a certain action they have chosen, I try to make them sound very exaggerated since I don't want any of you to take it personally, y'all are beautiful okay? Don't worry about the snarky comments and rude remarks that I may write).

I'll try to make it more obvious that it's mostly a character's exaggerated perspective next time, or maybe put trigger warnings about degrading language/mean comments.

TW/Tags: mentions of addiction (to blood) // male x male // male reader // vampy vamp // monster(vampire) x (human)reader // mentions of death // unofficial OC/just a random character I decided to create for this specific piece // captivity/kidnaping // mentions of torture/infliction of pain // mind control/gaslighting/manipulation and stockholm syndrome // being drugged/poisoned // kinda sadistic but not so much so cause I like giving y'all some softness.

🍭꒰⑅ᵕ༚ᵕ꒱˖♡🍮꒰⑅ᵕ༚ᵕ꒱˖♡🍰꒰⑅ᵕ༚ᵕ꒱˖♡🍮꒰⑅ᵕ༚ᵕ꒱˖🍭

True love is found in small bites [Yandere!M!Vampire x M!Vampire Hunter!Reader - Headcanon]:

Who doesn't like a little one on one with an immortal creature in a fight filled with sexual tension? Who wouldn't want to prove their worth to their dad who is a lonely vampire hunter?

Your dad had hunted vampires all by himself for years now and he won't stop until the day he drops dead, or at least that's what he told you.

He taught you everything that you needed to know, and honestly- You probably know a lot more than some of the guys who are paid to do this every month, Hell, your dad hunts them basically every week! That's kinda the reason why he won't accompany you this time, too busy dealing with vampires in a neighboring village, some rumours of some high profiled vampires coming into your hometown… He was very concerned for your safety before deciding that whenever these rumours were true or not, he needed to check them for himself regardless.

You decided to go on a hunt on your own, hunt one down and prove to your man that you'll do just fine all by yourself.

However, you have the knowledge from the books you read and from what your father taught you, but you don't have personal experiences in fighting vampires. So that's why you're finally going to take down a vampire all by yourself.

It took you some time to find the right target, but after hearing complaints about some odd things happening in the less wealthy part of town, you thought you had a pretty clear picture of what happened. You thought that maybe some vampires have been attacking the poorest people in town to not cause a bigger panic in the population, and sadly enough, you were right.

Apparently the vampirism started to spread uncontrollably as the newly transformed vampires weren't accustomed with the new malevolent power. Some would get addicted to blood and to the power they hold against humans, and start to bite more than what they can chew on.

You found someone who was acting suspiciously, a commoner who was acting more aggressively towards his neighbors and family, he had created a lot of enemies in only a couple of days after being transformed, as he was now acting like "royalty" surrounded by peasants. The poor bastard was out of his mind, and sadly you needed to take care of him before he would hurt more people.

The work of a vampire slayer (or at least, one who works on their own accord) isn't as glamorous or "pleasant" as most may think, it involves you constantly questioning yourself and your morals, the guy you're hunting has a family but from what you heard and from what you have seen as you observed him from afar- He is clearly gone, consumed by the addiction of human blood, he would end up hurting his own family if you didn't intervene.

You had to stalk him for basically the whole day, collecting information and waiting for a good opportunity to strike him- Sadly enough, you didn't know that someone else was also interested in killing him.

It was pretty quick now that you think about it- You were about to tackle him when someone else got to do it before you. You didn't know about vampire society's inner relationships but you are aware that there is some form of hierarchy, and that those who were transformed into vampires were considered to be closer to the bottom than those who were born into it. The bottom of their social structure being those who they could all feed on, so in other words humans.

As you have already prepared yourself to attack the blood addictic, this guy who seemed to have come out of nowhere has already noticed that he wasn't alone, you wouldn't be able to hide yourself at this point and running wouldn't be an option considering how fast he moved.

The only option was left was to fight this vampire who was clearly way too powerful for your newbie ass. It was a pretty tough fight, and even if you have lost- You did manage to prove that you weren't just a random human who found themselves in the wrong place, in the wrong time.

You were very well prepared- Idris was pretty impressed by your resistance, but from his eyes, you were lacking a lot in the intelligence department. You were a good brawler, but not a decent vampire slayer by far- He would question you about your level of skill constantly, even mocking the idea of you being an "newbie" at this job.

Idris had won in the end, making you his prisoner who he would bring back to his clan to be used as an easy food source while also giving them info about other vampire slayers. Of course you wouldn't give them anything, no matter how bad your situation was you would still fight to the very end.

Idris had used one of his abilities to bring you two to his clan's hideout in a blink of an eye, you weren't expecting it to be so quick. You were tied up and inside an "abandoned" mansion filled with vampires, you were sure you wouldn't survive this at all- Yet you had promised yourself to not give them any information about other vampires slayers, especially your father.

You have met them, all of them- All of the Nox clan of pure vampires (or at least the last of them), in one single place. They were all so eager to jump in and start the "fun" with you. To torture you, drink from you, control your mind so you would spill all that you know, they tried to but you wouldn't stop squirming and fighting their touch- However, your attitude has only helped to aggravate them.

Idris was in charge of taking care of you- And by that they meant he was the one who would be screwing with you the most. He would keep you alive with your bare necessities but would also be the one to punish and torture you to speak up.

Interestingly enough, Idris wasn't interested in violently taking the truth out of you- Oh no, boo- He was much more sadistic than that.

He saw you as a plaything, like a cat he would see you as something he should toy with before devouring- He would try to push you to your limits verbally, trying to trigger some sort of wound you may have. You were stronger than he assumed, he should have known you weren't so dumb to give in to his insults and threats.

He would still bite you though, hey, a man needs some blood before continuing his private interrogation, right? It's not his fault you're both his snack and the one being interrogated.

You were strong minded, you weren't feeling too awful about being taken as a prisoner, since you felt as if deep down you could still escape this- So the effects of the poison that he would inject on you weren't showing up at first, but after sometime of being under this terrible living condition with only him to talk with, you started to feel some type of weird way around him.

It could be the poison finally taking over, but you have started to notice some… Particular choices that Idris took when interacting with you. Again- It could be all some magic shit in your mind, but you could swear that the lingering touches from him weren't rough or painful as his threats.

Idris was never physically harmful towards you, even to his peers dismay as they would constantly scold him for being too soft. He was indeed very off putting and sadistic- But could he be hiding something deep inside his literally cold exterior? You started to think so… Well, you started to hope so.

See, although the poison is already making your mind dizzy and making you feel some kind of weird attraction towards Iris- It wasn't completely just your mind playing tricks on you, Idris has been trying a new tactic with you and it was working.

Maybe you haven't noticed yet, but for the last few weeks he has started to flirt with you more, touch you more and whisper less concerning things into your ears, and you were eating it all up due to your isolation and his poisonous bite.

The more he sucked your blood, the more enamoured you were with his softer "side", the poison becoming stronger with each bite. But everyday you two spend time together, Idris can't help but feel just as interested in you as you are to him. He may play it off as a sadistic manipulative (which he kinda is-) vampire who is above you and his own feelings- But whenever it's just you and him, he just feels like there is a bigger connection being formed.

The more you two get to know each other the more he'll start falling for you, to the point he doesn't know if he is faking empathy and care or if he actually likes you in a weird way. He has started to feel very satisfied whenever you start acting clingy, desperate even for his attention (again- He is the only one willing to even talk with you before biting you and sucking your blood), the sensation of power he feels is a little bit overwhelming- But very much appreciated.

You have started to feel some side effects from losing so much blood everyday, which has made Idris concerned and incapable of drinking from you for at least some time while you recover from it. But since you need some time to rest without being injected with more venom from fangs, which will cause you to start waking up from your brainwashed state and remember that A: It has been months since you were gone, your dad is out there looking for you and it's possibly thinking you're dead; B: You're trapped in a mansion filled with the last vampires of a powerful clan which has been massacred by vampire slayers like you; and C: You were starting to catch feelings for the one who brought you here- Regardless of manipulation and freaky vampire shit- You were indeed falling for his charm.

Whenever that happens, it will be obvious that you'll start trying to fight them and escape again, even if you're very, very weak from all these months without proper training and healthy eating habits.

You may try your hardest dear, but you'll need a better plan than just going feral on Idris. He is a lot stronger than you, especially since you can't even stand up on your own, and even hurting him makes you feel oddly awful- You had relied on him for so long, that it feels like you would be betraying him if you actually do hurt him, it seems like some of the effects of so much time under his manipulation are still present.

You can't hurt him, but you can still try to sneak out. You should still try to escape!

You would eventually come up with a plan to run away while it was still morning, even if it was a very flawed plan considering that the only place you knew in this entire mansion was Idris's room and bathroom. For some miracle reason, you would find a way to sneak out, it was pretty hard considering you have no strength in your legs, yet luckily no one seemed to be aware of your sudden movement around the corridors- Apparently the whole clan is composed of heavy sleepers.

Your escape was successful, but you wouldn't be able to reach safety anytime soon in your condition- And you knew that eventually they would wake up again and Idris would find you soon. Yet as you had promised yourself and your father, you weren't going down without a fight.

Idris is responsible for you, so whenever he notices that you were gone- He would first assume one of his kind has took you, but considering how everyone else in the clan considers him to be a nuisance and incompetent, he couldn't possibly ask around where were you. If he did, they would end up yelling at him and take you as their personal blood bag- He couldn't let them know that you have escaped.

He would search for you and be honest to god thankful that you weren't dead yet- He would be pissed but more concerned about your current state, after all you were supposed to be resting from losing so much blood and yet here you are: Trying to survive the wild nature around the mansion in a stupid attempt of escaping the vampires.

Idris would have to bite you more often while also giving some days off so you could rest, but doing in a way that you never lose the effects of the poison- He can't stand to see you fighting him so much.

I mean- He thinks that it's pretty attractive how fiesty you are, but he needs you to stay still in his bedroom and to start giving him those confused yet passionate eyes again- Idris doesn't know whether or not you're in love with him or is just acting in instinct considering your current position, and he soon will find himself begging for you to truly give in to this weird fantasy he has built around you two- But for now, all that he wants is the smallest affection that may come from you, even if it's not as true and morally correct as true love is supposed to be.

🍭꒰⑅ᵕ༚ᵕ꒱˖♡🍮꒰⑅ᵕ༚ᵕ꒱˖♡🍰꒰⑅ᵕ༚ᵕ꒱˖♡🍮꒰⑅ᵕ༚ᵕ꒱˖🍭

#yandere #sheep's stuff #yandere oc #yandere vampire #yandere x reader #yandere vampire x reader #yandere male x male reader #yandere male #male reader #yandere male x reader #yandere monster #yandere headcanon #yandere oc headcanon #special delivery headcanons #special delivery request

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jebazzled · 4 years ago

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SOOO the Drama: Making it Work with Tragic Backstories

Hi everyone, how are we doing? It’s been a while since my last unsolicited tutorial. Is everyone eating well? Is everyone drinking water? Dressing warmly if it’s cold wherever you live?

Today we’ll be talking about tragic backstories, and how to use them rather than abuse them.

This tutorial will mention a number of triggers, though not with great detail - more in the interest of providing context.

Specific triggers mentioned: abandonment, verbal abuse, child neglect, car accident, transphobia, animal death, cheating, bullying, parental death

In the rp community we often joke about loving to put our characters through hell - about really running them ragged - making ourselves weepy. For a lot of us, writing Heavy Emotional Content is a lot more fun than fluff, or characters who are happy, fulfilled, and well-adjusted. I’m literally planning to kill off one of my characters in the next couple of weeks. I get it.

But there’s also a fair amount of discourse in the rp community about what is pejoratively called “trauma porn.” It’s discourse that is warranted! Because while we love fictional drama, the truth is that sometimes...

well, sometimes it can be too much, can’t it?

Here’s the thing about trauma: a tragic backstory does not a well-developed character make. Too often, too many of us lean on these traumatic histories as a crutch towards building a character, without meaningfully exploring that trauma with any depth. The truth is, in fiction, tragedy only builds character when when you do. And tragedy is far from the only way to create a nuanced character.

In this tutorial, we will examine common approaches to character backstories, alternatives to tragedy-as-a-default, and figure out how to have your cake (the feels) and eat it too (with purpose.)

BUILD-A-BACKSTORY

In my experience, the most common approach to writing a freestyle application is writing a chronological history (you can read my app guides, including thots on alternative styles of freestyle, here). Ain’t nothing wrong with that! If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it!

It’s an approach that makes sense, as it forces you to fill in the blanks to answer the question: why is my character Like That? And often, as writers, our first instinct is to provide the saddest answer possible.

“Why is Susie so clingy?”

Her parents abandoned her at a fire station when she was an infant, and rather than being raised in foster care, she grew up at the fire station. But the entire company that raised her died while fighting a wildfire, and she is certain that any time anyone walks away from her, they will never come back.

“Why is Brent such a misogynist?”

His mother never wanted him and told him so every day of his youth. When he hit puberty, she stopped speaking to him entirely, and the day he turned eighteen, she changed the locks while he was at school.

“Why is Lichen such a high-achieving go-getter?”

Lichen was born with glass bones and paper skin. Every morning they break their legs, and every afternoon they break their arms. At night, they lie awake in agony until their heart attacks put them to sleep.

Feels like a lot, doesn’t it? I may have done a little exaggeration, but - not a lot, frankly.

Especially if other characters on a site are loaded with tragic histories, it can be hard not to equate a certificate from the school of hard knocks with a Pulitzer. You want something juicy to write about, yes? And this is all so juicy!

But here’s the rub: often, these histories will never come up again outside of an application, or will not be practically dev’d out beyond shock value. Susie will never be reminded of Frank, the fireman who taught her to ride a bike. Brent will focus his sexist comments on objectifying women’s bodies rather than degrading their personalities and motives, which were the issues with his mother. Someone who didn’t read Lichen’s app would have no clue that they have had a total horror show of a life.

If you are writing a tragic backstory that doesn’t have a continual impact on your character, you are writing trauma porn, and it is doing nothing for your character.

This doesn’t mean that your characters should be fully and constantly occupied with memories of their trauma - in fact, constant introspection is an easy way to stall threads (per my “why aren’t people writing with me?” guide here) - but it does mean that if your answer to the question, “why is my character Like That” is a compelling one, it is one that a reader should be able to answer even if they haven’t read your app, if they’ve read a few of your threads or other writing.

This is a careful balance, of course, but think of your characters the way you think of yourself! For example: probably the most Potentially Dramatic thing about my personal life is that my older sister is developmentally disabled, and I am one of her legal guardians. When my parents die, I will inherit my older sister, and will uproot my life from wherever I am living at the time to move back to my hometown and make sure she is taken care of and happy. This is not something that I constantly think about, but it is difficult to know me for any meaningful length of time and not be aware that I have a developmentally disabled sister, as I mention her in passing, think about her when her favorite music comes up on Spotify, and tell people to donate to her favorite charity, Special Olympics.

If I were writing an app of myself as a character and spent a good portion of the app untangling my relationship with my sister, and then never mentioned her in any of my thread posts, then is she really important to my character? Or was I flexing her for depth?

Do you see what I am getting at here? If it matters, it will come up more than once. If it only comes up once, and it’s in your app, you should think of something to explain your character’s personality and motivations that is perhas a little less loaded.

BUT WITHOUT THE SADS, HOW DO?

The good news is: you absolutely do not need a tragic backstory to write a nuanced character! Again - think of your characters the way you think of yourself, or of other real people. While everyone has gone through heavy things in their lives from time to time, chances are that your life does not resemble that of a soap opera protagonist. And aren’t you a multifaceted person, full of depth and life? Aren’t you someone whose story is worth telling, even if it feels like your life is pretty ordinary?

After all, it’s not the past that makes a character - it’s the present, their current voice, actions, and missteps. That is where you want the real juice to be, because that is the shit you’re writing!

Some potential “everyday histories” for our above cast of characters:

“Why is Susie so clingy?”

In elementary and middle school, Susie was bullied on and off - a few weeks spent hanging out with the in-crowd, followed by a month as a social pariah. She could never understand why. When she moved to a different state for high school, she attached herself like a barnacle to the clique the Tulips, and has made it her goal not to let herself get shaken back to the outskirts this time.

This isn’t as dramatic as Susie’s earlier backstory - in fact, it could apply to any number of people, being passed between friend groups for years on end. But again: your character doesn’t need a one-of-a-kind daytime talk show-worthy backstory to have a unique and compelling history and voice!

“Why is Brent such a misogynist?”

Brent’s mother never wanted children, and made it pretty clear to him throughout his youth. His father, though, as always there for him - including when his mother walked out and never came back, after cheating on Mr. Brent’s Dad for years. From then on, Brent and his dad only had each other - and their bitterness towards the woman who wronged them.

This still gives you some family drama - unloving mother, and some adultery - but having Brent be raised by someone who has their own beef with women eliminates the shock value of locking your son out merely for being a boy. Also, this take acknowledges misogyny as a learned behavior.

“Why is Lichen such a high-achieving go-getter?”

When their parents divorced, Lichen only came out to their mother as nonbinary, and presents a fully different persona when they are with their father. Being in the top 5% of their high school class and being a national champion Lincoln-Douglas debater is the only thing Lichen and (deadname) have in common.

I acknowledge that Lichen’s previous story was a meme. The above story could be made much more intense (for example, if Lichen’s father were a member of the Westboro Baptist Church and then Lichen’s supportive mother dies in a freak accident and Lichen, unable to hide their true identity, is imprisoned in their father’s basement until they pretend to have seen the error of their ways and identify as cis again) but the above gives plenty to chew on!

While drama and trauma can be satisfying to write, there is plenty of drama to be found in the everyday. Building a well-rounded character is much less about what happened to them and much more about what they are doing, thinking, and feeling now.

That said,

TIPS & TRICKS FOR WRITING TRAGIQUE CHARACTERS

Don’t go overboard. If it is not going to come up ever again after the app: leave it out.

Impact is about the character, not the reader. If it was important enough to leave in the app, it should have an identifiable impact on your character. The main purpose cannot have been to shock the reader.

It’s not meaningful JUST because it happened. If someone can follow your character’s story for any extended amount of time and not realize that, say, your character’s mother died in a boating accident, then it isn’t actually important that your character’s mother died in a boating accident, and you should let her live.

If ALL of your characters have a heavily dramatic backstory, ALL of your heavily dramatic backstories lose their meaning. Dramatic backstories are fun but they should not be a constant: they will begin to feel cheap and lazy.

Your character does not need to dwell on their tragic backstory! While a character should acknowledge their history, a character does not need to realize that their backstory is meant to be tragic. For example, Sally might have been raised by her Aunt Agatha after her parents disappeared in a hot air balloon when she was a baby. Rather than being sad about her missing parents, Sally might think of them as total strangers and of Agatha as her sole parental figure - and her sadness might be for Agatha, who does miss Mr. and Ms. Pumpernickel.

And that’s literally all she wrote! I hope you find this helpful when you’re writing your characters - tragic or otherwise - and developing their plotlines. The world is not made of trauma and fluff alone, friends. Go forth and contain multitudes!

#rp guides #resources #writing resources #rp writing #applications #character development

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kendrixtermina · 5 years ago

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I haven’t played all four routes yet but from spoilers I do know that Edelgard has some feelings for Byleth regardless of the route. While the shipper in me likes that detail, objectively from what I’ve seen of AM/VW so far I’m not sure why El would feel that way. I don’t want to chalk it up to waifuism right away. Any thoughts on this, since you’ve played all the routes?

Comments on the premise

(Scroll down for an answer to your actual question)

First of all this “waifuism” thing is exceedingly cynical.

Male antagonists in huge classical words of art are given a tragic crush or adorable little daughter/sister them all the time so as to humanize them, give them internal conflict and expose some contradictions about them, and people get how it’s tragic and gives them dimensionality and no one ever says the only reason is so fangirls will think they’re hot. If anyone gets made fun of it’s the fangirls for “not getting the depht” as if that were mutually exclusive. Vulnerability, temptation, struggle for independence... you find that all over the best stories ever told.

For every damself in distress there’s one dude (her boyfriend) who manages to be a full compelling non-satelite human being despite having romance as a motivator the problem isn’t romance it’s bad writing. There’s certainly a problem if almost every single female character in a setting were entirely by romance but the idea that liking someone is to degrade, flatten and cheapen yourself is just as toxic. It can coexist with other more complex motivations and in fact lampshade them.

You might perhaps call bad writing if it were one of those situations where the villainess has no other motivation than dudes, brings it up constantly or is so defined by it that it keeps her from acting in any self-consistent manner or just isn’t taken seriously as an antagonist. Not saying she’s a villain at all but you oppose her on the other routes.

I pretty much all the characters like Byleth and express regret when they go up against them... They have a sort of heroic charisma that’s why they’re the main character. (not per se the other way around - you don’t point the camera where nothing interesting/extrordinary is happening. Few stories tell us about a sack of potatoes falling over or people sitting on chairs, and if they did they’d be about pointing out how potatoes or chairs are actually plenty interesting)

They’re described as accepting ppl just as they are with that having been an attitude impressed on them by their father who himself is cool with Byleth’s own oddities, and also described as one hell of a badass field commander. Also you DO run around all day bringing everyone gifts, their favorite snacks lost possesions and listening to their problems/lifestories.

It’s not like it’s super over the top in your face it’s like a handful of lines many of which you might not even hear if you’ve recruited certain characters or don#t trigger certain engage quotes, and it ties into her greater characterization as someone with consummate laserfocus dedication who has pretty much given up on anything that doesn’t further her goal even her own feelings. - having a crush is just one example, she mentions how she’d have preferred a more peaceful life doing idle fun things and did enjoy her time at the monastery where she got to be just another classmate sand fight alongside everybody else as a comrade.

Though she enjoyed her time at the monastery, her resolve doesn’t waver... but now it hurts a bit more to go through with what she had planned all along since it means losing some of the relative normalcy she had not dared to hope for anymore

You actual question (ie what does she like about them)

Crushes, by nature, are just something that randomly shows up and can produce quite a bit of a reaction in a short time.

Regardless of route you save her from a bandit and there’s all the explore time dialogue and basically lived in close quarters/ saw each other every other day. Even if theyd spend more time with their own class theyd still be around the place doing cool stuff. That would be explanation enough, I mean it doesn’t necessarily mean that something had to come of it, that she wouldn’t get over it or that you’re immediately soulmates or whatever, I mean you can pair her off with plenty of other peeps in her route.

Which isn’t to say that the whole thing is just any old youthful crush. Crush or no crush she really wants them to be allies.

First of all Edelgard has been describing as being drawn to/ sorta ‘collecting’ people she views as talented and exceptional so if you are a badass she’s gonna like you (just in general not even romantically), and if you’re a badass who’s also her ‘type’ that might manifest itself as a crush as well.

She says pretty early on that she thinks they have similar personalities, and she clearly looks for like-mindedness in friends and allies as well, of the ones that she gets semi-friendly with even before the timeskip the only one with a significant different outlook/temperament is Dorothea, and everyone likes Dorothea, since she goes out of her way to befriend anyone who doesn’t resemble an arrogant dunce.

Also, she probably finds the idea of having an ally who is “like her” very enticing. First because she’s used to being misunderstood and someone who is similar might “get” her and relate to her. (Conversely there’s a lot of dialogue where she’s like “I know you’re lying” or “wow you’re telling the truth”... she doesnt find them that opaque/unreadable compared to the other characters. so this also goes both ways... this occurs regularly enough that its even kinda used to hint at who the flame emperor is (”I can tell you dont actually want to join me”))

Byleth is just generally described in a lot of scenes dialogues and supports as someone whos pretty accepting of peolples weirdness and quirks. Leonie thinks they get it from Jeralt. That tends to be a selling point for most of their romantic options especially the house leaders

Likewise, due to various reasons relating to her natural personality, station and backstory she finds it hard to step out of business mode, and ppl tend to sort of flinch away from her because she’s uncommonly powerful and also the princess, and she doesn’t like that/tends to feel somewhat isolated because of it. Even ppl who know Edelgard well enough to have significant insight into her (like Hubert or Ladislava) still speak of her with a kind of awe.

Due to their upbringing away from mainstream society, sorta unphased slightly flippant personality and their own considerable power/competence Byleth is one of the few who isn’t daunted to approach her like any ol regular person. They’re powerful enough for her to approach them on an even level, or even rely on them/ take pointers from them.

You also see that to an extent with Lysithea (who is not just a fellow experiment victim but also has a similar ‘serious/focussed’ outlook and love of sugary things) with whom she also gets various “I wish you’d joined me/pity that we must fight” sort of dialogue. She’s Edelgard’s one inter-house support (suggesting a similar “I kinda can’t help wanting to get to know you even though I know we might become enemies” dynamic at play) the “free recruitee” on the CF route (whereas the other cases are in situations where they have incentives to flip - Lorenz is only with the empire out of opportunism so why wouldn’t he join the kingdom if they look to be winning? And Ashe was flat out drafted and is only with the Rowes out of obligation) and if you spare her she’ll say that Claude explicitly told her to waive the white flag if things get tough because he figured that Edelgard would be likely to spare her.

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bflolocalpunk · 6 years ago

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Buffalo’s Forgotten Son

Trigger Warning: suicidal ideation

Things aren’t okay. I’m not okay.

I know people say to keep very personal things off of social media, but fuck it. I’m not in a good spot, and haven’t been in one for about half a year. I have no job, have no money, and have been extremely depressed. I can’t afford to do laundry, leave the apartment to go anywhere, pay my bills, or even buy groceries. I’d apply for Food Stamps again but the amount of hoops I need to jump through is too much to handle right now. There’s too much going on to deal with, but god knows I’ve been trying.

I finally got back on Medicaid after around three months of being without health insurance. Now I can finally see my counselor again, it’s just difficult with his schedule to try and see me every week. I’ve also been without my medication for a little over a week, but after seeing my psychiatrist this morning we’re going to get me back on track. There’s a lot of work that needs to be done.

My current living situation isn’t good at all. My roommate/best friend informed me through an angry text last month that he was ending the lease on May 1st and moving out. I haven’t had a job since early September. I have until April-ish to somehow find a new place and gather 1st month’s, last month’s, and a security deposit. I’ve been applying to jobs, but for the past few months I’ve been lead on by heads of HR departments and business owners about getting me in for positions only for them to ghost on me. On top of that my friendship with my roommate has been slowly eroding for almost a year, ever since he met and started dating his now boyfriend. He stopped caring and wouldn’t put any effort into our friendship. Things got ugly along the way with major fights. We could’ve honestly taken the right steps to repair everything last year, but he just refuses to acknowledge that he’s to blame for anything. Instead all the blame falls on me.

I like to think I have other friends, but I don’t really have any that try to spend time with me or ask to do things together. I sit home alone for the majority of the week while I watch them post about hanging out with each other or go places. Over 99% of the rare times I was asked to hang out with a guy between last year and now is because they just wanted to have sex. Do you know how degrading that is? The first person to ever tread me like an equal and made me feel like I belonged was my ex-boyfriend of 3 1/2 years ago. I wanted to hold onto that feeling forever, but it was ripped from me and I’m still struggling to find any closure. After him, my best friend followed suit by constantly checking in on me, forcing me to go out and do things, and comforting me when life became too unbearable. Since he met his boyfriend he stopped all that and didn’t even care that I was all alone on Thanksgiving and New Year’s. I have maybe 3 other friends now that do check in on me from time-to-time, but the majority make it very clear they want to sleep with me so it makes it hard to really trust their intentions. I’m not left with many choices though on who to confide in. I’ve just been so alone and feel so inadequate and worthless to everyone around me. It feels like no one can bother with me anymore.

I can’t blame others for my personal problems, but Buffalo has failed me time and time again. I don’t share my stories because I want attention or pity, it’s to make other people understand how difficult my life has been and to help celebrate my accomplishments. I can’t even get people to do that, I feel so left out and ignored. It’s been almost 7 whole years since I graduated from college and I still haven’t been able to get my foot in the door of my own goddamn field. I’m surrounded by my own peers who literally have the resources available right in front of them, but despite knowing full well of my past and what I’m trying to do with my life it feels like no one can lift a fucking finger to point me in the right direction. I’m not asking them to fix my life, all I’ve ever needed was just simple guidance. I’m met with disinterest every single time. It’s like my mere existence is something they don’t want to acknowledge. I went to college to actually be able to make a future for myself, but I’ve been questioning a lot lately on whether it was even worth it. Maybe in a different city I could’ve gotten people to give me the time of day, but I’m afraid it’s never going to happen here.

I’m at a point in my life again where I don’t know what I’m supposed to do anymore. I’m not attempting a GoFundMe or anything like that again. I tried it a few times only to face the realization that people can’t be bothered to even get the word out. Even when that disastrous interview in Artvoice happened in 2016, I was told repeatedly that people wanted to crowdfund on my behalf. Nobody did a goddamn thing. Sorry, but I’m not facing that level of rejection again. You would think that trying to build a future for yourself while being a member of a marginalized community would get people to at least listen to you. It doesn’t. Again I’m sure that being in Buffalo where the gay, art, and design communities only fixate on those that are already established has a lot to do with it too. All these years I never had anyone hold my fucking hand for me, I was the one who repeatedly picked myself up and fought further. Why isn’t that good enough for people?

So what does this all mean anymore? I need to, once again, figure everything out on my own. I’ve been struggling with suicidal thoughts for months now, terrified of the uncertainty that lies ahead. I’ve gotten as far as going over in my head what I would say in my letter. It’s a fucking terrifying experience. (Full disclosure: I have emergency numbers saved in my phone if it gets to that point.) I’m not going to sit here and lie to you saying everything in my head is all right, but I am going to tell you that I have people working with me to make sure it doesn’t get that far. If it does, then I know what steps I need to take.

I just want to get all of this out there now so other people can be aware of what’s been going on. I don’t have plans to kill myself right now, please do not go into a panic or send the police to my door. Again, I have my counselor and psychiatrist helping me. This is just where my mind’s been at. Things are very dark right now, it’s just going to be another huge ass struggle to pull myself out of it. I’m angry, I’m confused, I’m exhausted, and I’m so lonely. I just want to feel like I belong. I want to have something in my life work out for once. I want to be able to take care of myself. I don’t want to feel this way anymore. Seriously, is it too much to ask?

#mental health #mental illness #poverty #buffalo ny #anxiety #depression #life #ptsd #buffalo

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bts-is-my-life-as-always · 7 years ago

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Bts gif reaction to their s/o self harm scars.

Request: Anyways, I was wondering if you could write a reaction of the boys reacting to those kinda scars on their s/o? Because I’m very insecure about my scars and am afraid that they scare people away and I will never be accepted with them. :( Thanks in advance! It would mean the world!

(Credits to gif owners)

-Trigger warning-

First of all I would like to express once again how brave you are if you are able to live through life with all the hardships that you face, you are all beautiful no matter what, and I am sure that bts would not mind the scars that you bare on your body, they are really understanding and that’s why I love them so much, because they will never judge someone of their past or pain, I really hope this reaction can make you feel just the slightest bit better, because I know just as much as many armys, or anyone out there Just how you feel and if you need anyone to talk to I am here, I love you all, and I do not take any of you for granted.

Thank you.

Rapmon:

When rapmon first laid his eyes on you, he thought you were the most beautiful and the most powerful women he’d ever met, and he continued to think like that even when you revealed to him of your past, your scars, you were so scared to tell him, but he was determined to find out about what hurt you, and why sometimes you’d always try to bring yourself down, when in his eyes, you were the only gem and the only person that mattered to him, when you were chocking on your words, trying to explain what happened, he’d just silently hug you, protecting you from your own feelings,

“I’m here now, and I’ll never leave your side, your so beautiful in my eyes, don’t ever feel like you can’t talk to me, I’m here always”

Jin:

He first saw them when he walked into you getting changed on accident, and all he remembered was how you screamed at him out of the blue, you were fully clothed only you were wearing shorts, and then the second time, he really didn’t mean to, he just had a habit of living with 6 other guys which meant that he didn’t really see the need to knock, this time he didn’t walk out, this time he just stared at you questioning why you were so shocked when you were fully dressed, the only thing that showed was your legs, then he realised the scars, he would step closer to you trying to take a closer look, he’d question,

“Y/n? What is that on your leg? Are those scars?” But as soon as he saw you breakdown and sobbing chocking up how he shouldn’t have seen that, he’d caress you into a hug, and he’d whisper,

“Everyone has their own story, and to some their story is there forever, yours is in a form of a scar, it’s part of you and I’ll love it like I love you, don’t hide away from me”

Suga:

(Out of everyone in bts, suga has probably been through the hardest time, not saying that the others didn’t, but from what we know, his parents weren’t all that supportive in the beginning when he needed them the most, we also know that he’s been in depression, and from what I can tell you, and my experience no one can ever cure depression, just help it subside away)

He’d probably open to you about his worries, and when he feels like his depression is coming back to him, he’d want you to make him feel better, so when he’s bringing himself down, or shutting himself in one place, you’d always drag him out, and show him where the light is, so he wouldn’t suspect your past, until he saw the scar of where you used to cut and pick at the scabs, he’d just hold you and whisper,

“Your so brave, I’ll listen to you like you listened to me, let’s be each other’s pillar, I’ll always hold you up”

Jhope:

(I have a slight feeling that Jhope also went through depression, I’m literally just stating my opinion, I know that the whole of bts probably has at one point, but I think hobi would’ve gone through it like suga, took it quite hard)

Hobi knew more than anyone the feeling of depression, how lonely it could get, and how the thought of suicide was so tempting to him, he remembered back to how he used to get through it, he’d just dance and listen to music, and try to forget everything, and when he saw a similar image from you, he’d find it hard to question you, only because he didn’t want to see you breakdown, but when you literally refused to talk to anyone because you were slowly falling back into depression without meaning to, he’d talk to you, even if it feels annoying at that time, he’d just have you spill it all out, and you’d naturally trust him enough to show him your scars, which he’ll just caress and place light kisses onto

“Thank you for trusting me enough to spill all your feelings, I will never leave you, I will never ever hurt you, you are beautiful in my eyes”

Jimin:

Jimin would have a slight idea, like when he was lifting you up to take you to bed because you fell asleep, and when your sleeve slightly rose up and he went to take a look at your wrist, you jolted awake and covered yourself and distanced yourself, since that day, you’d spoken less and less to him, scared that he might think differently of you, what you didn’t expect was for him to confront you about it, the usual you with extreme anxiety that he’d never seen before came out and you were having a full blown breakdown in front of him, he’d be worried out of his mind and cradle you while you spilled everything to him and cried together,

“You didn’t have to hid away from me, I would never judge or degrade you for something like that, I love you”

Tae would feel absolutely devastated, we know how he’s been through a lot of deaths of people around him and close to him, he’d have a difficult time trying to process that you could’ve been one of them, and that he could’ve potentially never met you, and he’d cry and cry into you, and somehow him crying would sooth your pain, just knowing that someone would cry for you, and someone would’ve been in real pain if you were gone, made you (as morbid as it sounds) feel better, he’d just cradle into you, his heart hurting more than anything that someone could make you feel that way

“Tell me if anyone, I mean anyone ever says something like that to you, I will find each and everyone of them and ask them why, and how they could do something like that”

Jungkook:

It’s hard to remember a childhood that never really existed, you constantly tried so hard to please everyone around you, hoping and wishing that you weren’t that different to the other kids, it was hard, moving from one country to another, and then moving from one town to another, soon each and every friend that you made, you were sure hated you, the constant moving just made you not want to make friends anymore, why do that when all that’s going to happen is you move away, and you never speak to them ever again, so you spent your childhood locked away, you first didn’t know what this was, in fact you had no idea that you were ill, you had no idea you were mentally sick, you always sat in the corner of the room tucked away, and slowly crying yourself to sleep, soon you found your second home to be music, you dove yourself into music, loving the sensation of being enclosed and to yourself, you couldn’t hear anyone, and no one had to hear you cry, but before music existed, you found other ways to take the pain away, like falling over on your knees on hard concrete just so the physical pain would wash over the mental pain, the scars were still there over the past few years, and you couldn’t help but notice that it was quite ugly, each and every time you wore skirts or dresses you hated your legs being shown, so you hid them, jungkook always noticed how you hid your legs, it sounded stupid but he’d never ever seen your legs, so when he came by unexpected you almost hid your whole body away from him, not wanting him to see any of it, but jungkook being jungkook he hugged you as soon as he opened the door, and sat you straight down on the couch and cuddled into you, as soon as he felt you relax just a little from his touch, he would realise how your legs were on full display this time, he’d tilt his head slightly, looking over every detail of your legs, intrigued since he’s never seen them before, but as he landed on the scar on your knees, he knew instantly that they would’ve meant so much to you, and he knew how its story would be a hard one to tell, so he just caressed them with his hands, and whispered,

“You legs are beautiful, can’t believe I haven’t seen them until now, you can tell me about this beautiful scar later, I just missed you so much”

A lot of you have been opening up to me, and telling me about your hardest times in life, and remember, I’m always here if you need, and every soul is beautiful, every single one of you in so precious, and I don’t want to loose any of you, never, so I’m always here, love you all again, and don’t give up, ever.

#bts #bts rapmon #bts jin #bts suga #bts jhope #bts jimin #bts v #bts jungkook #bts reaction #bts scenario #trigger warning #kpop reaction #kpop scenario

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quadrantmusic · 4 years ago

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Tupac Essay

I wrote this essay in 2009 my Freshman year of college. It is on my old computer. I don't have a charger for my old computer. It is one of those old chargers. I will have to hopefully get one at some point. I wrote other stuff on that computer. That computer also has thousands of tape recorded rhymes on it. But I need the old kind of computer charger

I wrote this when I played basketball at UCSD so I was nervous and I could always rap well and write well when nervous I don’t know why but it always put me ina different state that was good. But they hurt me so I haven’t been able to play on a team and get nervous.

2PAC rapped what was the most meaningful, that came in the form of revelations from the heart, and thus his words and emotion function universally. PAC recycles a currency that builds upon itself and is also manipulated, constantly leveraging and expanding beyond itself. Pac, however, also is aware of the limitations of not only rap, but any art form in its mimetic necessity tied to human creation.

2PAC’s lyrics are crafted with the beat, with the timing, in a meaningful sequence in which the whole is greater than the sum of its parts and the removal of any aspect would devastate the creation. The brush strokes are not hidden. His masterpiece “Can’t C Me” embraces that it is man made. The rap begins with a man taking a breath to introduce PAC, humanizing himself and reinforcing its quality as a human creation. His early raps are not commercialized, modified, and distant in assimilatory fashion to be conveniently fitted into popular culture. His raps are alive, never resigning, moving every direction except closed, and still reverberating with the same intensity in its completion.

At the same time rap is a form of constrained writing. It mostly adheres to a general approximate time structure cut into 16 bar segments confined by a general conformity to rhyme that can be manipulated to convince a simultaneous expression of freedom. 2Pacs raps are not limited to benign belligerence and booty bouncing. In 2PAC’s reference and obsession to extremes in human behavior, he also points beyond them. This is a function of the use of rational, interpersonal compulsion against transcendent, melodic, yet unsettling harmonies. Pac’s music awakens, or opens the eyes of the viewer to the harsh realities of the world, yet simultaneously, through its creativity and expression, refuses the listener to resign to these.

The title “Can’t C Me” leaves out “you”. PAC is not merely saying that he is a figment of nothing to the listener, but he actually is no thing. Consequently he cannot be seen and if he is no thing, he cannot see the listener as well. C is the shape of a circle opened. He has escaped pidgeon-holing circumscription. Also C represents average. Functioning as a verb, he is saying he cannot be made average. It is also the third letter of the alphabet. Three reflects the west side sign with two fingers connected in the middle. On the album cover he points these to his forehead. Possibly three symbolizes a transcendence beyond duality (referencing his two fingers intertwined), metaphorically third eye vision. He says can’t as opposed to cannot. This is a sign of condescension and his sense of power over those who cannot see him.

By not using “see” PAC is alluding to something beyond vision associated with appearances. He is describing that, while he can be seen in the flesh, his true self exists in a dimension beyond the reducing effects of vision. In other words, PAC understands that he exists beyond the confines of his physical body. He proclaims “If you feel me, tell the tricks that shot me that they missed they ain’t kill me”. In so doing he confronts the listener with a paradox that defies his understanding of the self. The people or person who shot him hit his physical flesh, but did not hit “Him”. Again, PAC plays with the notion that he exists in a different dimension in sound, and accordingly cannot be felt in the literal sense. But going along with the notion that “he” exists beyond the physical, he is amorphous and can be felt. He could be stipulating that our essences do not exist in our separate bodies but in our transcendent connections and awareness that we are integrated in patterns beyond rational resolution. He extends “feel” to reflect that he is everywhere and amorphous.

The irony of living in a culture that degrades and disparages you is that it brings you to release consideration of your self, which is liberating. 2PAC’s raps are composed of a currency that he circulates. This currency is transparent, yet simultaneously mysterious. 2PAC’s currency, while mired to rational dichotomies of the world, attempted to transcend it in overall formal dynamic interplay. In so doing he let’s go of preoccupation of ego and content, for as a currency it is not directly connected with him but a rotation of expressions built from a sentiment. He does not try to inflate his ego, and ironically degrades himself. Paradoxically this empowers him and infuses his music with transcendence. He has nothing to lose, and as a result, gains everything. He emphasizes violence (possibly to compensate for the fact that it is often ignored), yet at the same time instills a sentiment that there is a zone that transcends the irreconcilable opposites of our consciousness transposed into the world. Thus his music moves on the intersection of scandalous violation and eternal grace.

Slang permeates 2PAC’s raps, and is due to the realization that language, like art, is limited in that it is tied to human creation and thus cannot express the Truth behind the sentiment to speak or produce artwork. Slang can be adopted due to the underlying spiritual aspiration to express without preoccupation with impressing. Nigger is appropriated by PAC, as are other derogatory terms imposed on oppressed “groups”, to take away the pain and seriousness of the word imposed on them and to build themselves up to take verbal abuse. PAC transforms “nigger” into an amorphous boomerang. Slaves developed their own subtle forms of communication so as to communicate without being found out. Slang can undermine the English language that ‘blacks’ adopted from the ‘white man’. 2PAC’s slang was original and was used before it was repackaged and assimilated into culture. Only those on his plane, with his vocabulary and dialogue could understand the content of what he is saying. People get so caught up in his controversial lyrics and cursing that they do not see the subversive undertone and message. But the magnificence of his music is that it is not confined to content. The C also looks like an eclipse before it is realized. Eclipses are symbolic of darkness, or the dissolution of appearances. Those with receptivity to the complexities yet transcendent simplicity of 2PAC’s consciousness could understand that 2PAC is trying to bring about “2PAColypse”, or the death of dichotomy, when blackness takes over the light.

The title “Can’t see me” and the name of the album “All Eyez on Me” plays on the notion that music plays in a dimension that can simultaneously be anywhere and nowhere, shrinking space and time, yet the artist remains out of sight. The title of the song reflects the nature of good rap. Good rap is a formless art composed of transparent, ephemeral forms. 2PAC doesn’t tell you what you want to hear, or show you what you want to see. The significance of rap as a form of art is that it, if good is never a closed system. The listener cannot get stuck on one thing for too long as it is constantly flowing and hitting him with new lines and patterns and tones. Yet paradoxically his raps are presented with and pervaded by an order, pattern, and structure that allow memorization. He who cannot appreciate the underlying significance of the formal elements of 2PAC’s raps would immediately tune out. This memorization does not just consist in spoken word but rhythm and tone. Thus his raps can inculcate a message and sentiment beyond the immediately apparent.

PAC understands that the ghetto is the product of exploitation and manipulation by the status quo. PAC says “witness what hell made”. PAC associates “whites” with devils. He is throwing in the face what the silent majority finds convenient to overlook. Ironically, now the world has no choice, and the chaos and anarchy is coming back around. PAC describes “Visions of cops and sirens”. Visions occur when one wakes up from a daze, and often come in spurts that are fought off. The tide is turning as the upper tier of the status quo is amerced in its self-made disorder that it can no longer contain. By alluding to guns and sirens PAC is suggesting that witnessing is more than just seeing. Guns and sirens can be heard too and with a more frightening effect. PAC subtly calls “whites” “nigger”. He exclaims, “Ask me why I’m a boss player getting high, and niggers wonder why they can’t see me”. He poses this as a rhetorical question. Ironcially, he is saying, the group in power created “him”, the “boss player getting high” and can’t except it. The term boss subverts dominant notions. PAC extends the words high and by, which could also be hi and bye, playing on words in rhythmic juxtaposition. The listener could picture him (not see; there is a difference) in a fancy car. If that person is rich and white it could trigger envy; envy could also be emoted from a poor black person. Either way, PAC is claiming his space and letting his presence known. I propose that he encourages the listener to give into that envy, possibly so he could eventually find that pursuit of riches due to competition is ultimately empty and thus become open to the possibility of losing consideration of his “self” as well. PAC extends and accentuates dieeee as well, suggesting he will never die. He is the one with the power.

The deafening, ringing sound in the middle evokes a sense of slowly devolving and descending, as if Pac has finally caught you and is taking you into a pit deeper and deeper into the darkness. At the same time playfulness undergirds the song, compensating PAC’s serious tone and manipulating the listener to follow. It seems at any moment PAC is going to jump out of the speaker and say “boo”. PAC commands “Visualize what you can’t see”. What cannot be seen is the unknown, and entering the unknown always entails fear. A sense of power permeates the song. The listener is in 2PAC’s realm; he is in control.

One could say that within PAC’s music is a Marxist undertone and sense of power. Nevertheless, PAC adheres, and in fact, seems deeply mired to the dualistic consciousness used to enslave black people in the first place. But 2PAC also realizes that black people cannot be trusted. In fact, he proclaims “it’s me against the world”. He makes references to the white man, and the devil in other songs, but never adheres to a groupish white v. black mentality. He understands that there are complexities underlying black/white dichotomies. He even goes so far as to say “I can’t trust myself”.

Race is a social construction, not based on biology, manufactured by the group in power in order to entrench power into itself. A key component to the perpetuation of race-consciousness is to satisfy the ego’s desire to feel superior. This desire to be superior underlies all other categories as well. PAC is noted for his beef with East Coast rapper Biggie. The East West Coast feud was a domination struggle and part and parcel with domination struggles is oppressive structures under new produced encapsulations. When not introduced to a broader awareness, discontent due to oppressive structures can be driven within the categorized oppressed groups into encapsulated forms of internal strife such as racism, sexism, and geographical bias. 2PAC in his music becomes an actor in the existence of these categories, and he emphasizes their existence so overtly that he almost satirizes them. The passion with which he adheres to binaries is so intense that it points beyond them and himself to a yearning to transcend them. This I argue is the effect 2PAC wishes to produce. Everything in the universe puts itself first so it can become strong enough to break out of its protective enclosure. While people interpreted the West Side as being a beef reflecting geography, it in fact represented PAC’s desire to be a part of something larger than his “self”. Biggie was PAC’s effigy, representing an aspect of himself that he hated and was delivered from in death. By the end of PAC’s life his music reflects a transcendent awareness that a dimension exists beyond categorization and hierarchy. I believe that PAC’s life and death, whether staged or not, represents an art form of deliverance from dualistic thinking as represented in Biggie and PAC’s deaths.

In his glorified “Thug Life” Pac inculcates a principle to live by, a force to rally under, and an instrument for revolution, instilling fear in the upper tier and trust in a force of alliance and a super ordinate goal in the lower. In short he breathes a spirit of resistance essential for the healthy emergence of a new social order.

The rap induces in the listener a multidimensional sensory overload. Encouraged to see, feel, listen, and manipulated through a variety of emotions ranging from amusement to fear, he is almost brought to a state of numbness. The rap finishes with the distorted words of women saying “you can’t see me” and abruptly ends. The silence at the end is accentuated by the intensity preceding it. 2PAC trusts that there is a space beyond the dissonance and a silence that transcends silence. 2PAC in a sense attempts to dance the listener to a standstill.

It is human nature to dilute what is not readily understood into manageable chunks. The background voice in the rap warns the listener to, “stay off his dick”. There is a temptation to reduce transcendent qualities in PAC’s music, consequently diluting the experience. The form of his rap speaks to the subconscious, permeating the steal cage of content preoccupation sustained by constructed frameworks of thinking and understanding. Rap puts words into continuum and words that do not necessarily need to have a schematic connection. Yet it is often still within a structure of sense, pattern, and meter, keeping it within touch of the listener, while its constant flow simultaneously eludes him. It can be used to echo a rhythm and lyricism of a certain time and place or capture a consciousness. Nonetheless recorded speech entails concern with an ego, which is a primary limitation of rap. PAC avoided this by working with a currency that was developed from the spirit of his age with an awareness of the timeless.

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reactions-for-you · 7 years ago

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Humiliated. (Part 2.)

Characters: Reader X Dean

Cameos: (Y/N)’s mom

Genre: Angst

Trigger warnings: - none

A/N: Sorry for possible typos. lol

I could swear I had been staring at my phone screen for at least three hours now, even though I knew it had been only 15 minutes. Why is it that every time I send a risky text the time seems to slow down? Kind of like when you are in class and you’re waiting for the bell to ring but the last 5 minutes feels like 5 hours. That’s what it felt like waiting for his reply. Gosh... I can’t believe my best friend convinced me to actually do this. *deep sigh*

“I hope I don’t regret this.” I said to myself before getting up from my laptop.

The waiting game started to really frustrate me so I tossed my phone on the bed and went downstairs as my mom called me for dinner.

Mom: “You look tense? Why the sour face?”

(Y/N): “For no reason, really. I’m just a bit tired.”

I lied as tried to avoid eye contact so that she wouldn’t bring up Hyuk.

Mom: “Hmm alright..” She said while giving me a doubting glare.

I told my mom what happened at the house party and naturally -as my mother- she got really angry. She told me to cut all ties I had with Hyuk and never think, or speak about him again. I was going to follow her advice, but my best friend Jisoo had other plans. She convinced me to meet him in person so that I could tell him to stop trying to talk to me and just leave me alone. As much as I wanted to just ignore him for the rest of my life, I also wanted to release all the anger I had towards him all at once, and meeting in person would give me that opportunity. So, I decided to ignore what my mom told me and go with the -probably-a-stupid-idea- that my friend came up with.

Ever since I made the decision to meet him again, I had started to act differently and of course my mother started to pick up the changes in my personality and my responses. Somehow my mother would always know when I’m lying. I guess it’s some kind of “moms-only”- super power.

For the past couple days, me and Jisoo had been trying to come up with ways to message him. I swear I had typed the same message at least 200 times by now.. Eventually we came up with a message that was straight to the pint but it also seemed like he had a chance to pull himself out of this. Even though I had no plan to forgive him, so it’s was more to make him feel better, before I tell him to fuck off forever. That was the plan.

I came back to room once I finished dinner and I saw that my phone was light up. He had replied.

The text messages

17:42 Dean: Please (Y/N) all I want is your attention for 10 minutes so that I can apologize properly.

17:43 Dean: Please just let me see you. I feel horrible and I can’t live with myself if the only way I can apologize is through texts..

17:42 Dean: (Y/N), I know you’re reading these just please answer me.

17:46 (Y/N): Now, I’m only going to say this once and ONLY once. If you want to have a chance to talk to me or apologize or whatever I don’t really give a shit.. I’ll be at the café near my house at 7 pm. Come there if you really have something to say, but do not expect me to forgive you.

17:47 Dean: Thank so much (Y/N)! I’ll be there, thank you for doing this I really appreciate it. And no, I don’t expect anything from you.

End of texts

(Y/N): “Phew.. took you long enough to answer.”

I said to myself as I put the phone down.

So, it’s official then. The one thing I didn’t think was ever going to happen IS happening. I never thought I would be seeing him again. Now starts the second hardest part of this shenanigans. What do I wear? Since this is diffidently not a date so I wasn’t trying to impress him. Even though Jisoo told me to wear something sexy just so that he can see what he let go off. But I don’t think that going through all the effort to beat my face to the gods and wear my best clothes for an ex-boyfriend was worth it. “Nah.” I thought.

He doesn’t deserve to see me like that. Not anymore. Instead, I decided to put on a simple shirt with ¾ lace sleeves, jeans and some casual high heels. This way it deems like I’m not trying too hard, but also says that I’m doing good and feeling myself even without him. Also with heels I’m almost as tall as him which made me feel more confident facing him again. Thankfully he isn’t the tallest man out there.

By the time I finished getting dressed and did my makeup, it was time to me to head out and face him one last time.

As I was walking towards the café, I was getting more anxious step by step. The whole walk there I was repeating in my head what I had to say to him. But once I saw him sitting at the table, everything I planned to say vanished from my mind.

I entered the café but he didn’t see me since he was in the corner of room facing the wall with his hood up. After all he was a well-known celebrity so he was clearly trying not to cause any disturbance in the café. Part of me was wondering if it was good idea to meet him in public. But I knew for a fact that I didn’t want him inside my house and I most definitely didn’t want to be at his house and re-live the memories that lead us here in the first place.

I snapped out of my thoughts and walked towards the table and lightly poked his shoulder.

(Y/N): “So now that I’m here you’re just going to ignore me of what?”

Dean: “Oh (Y/N) sorry I didn’t see you. No, I wasn’t ignoring you, I was just thinking about you.”

Thinking about me huh? I’m not sure if that sounded creepy or.. nice? I thought as I sit down opposite of him.

Dean: “Soo how have you be- “

(Y/N): “Let’s just forget the small talk I wasn’t panning on staying for long. Just say what you have to say so we get this over with.”

I cut him before he could start the pointless small talk. Truthfully, I didn’t really give shit what he had been up to.

Dean: Alright. Well first I want to say the same thing that I’ve been constantly texting you and that is that I’m sorry. I’m incredibly sorry and I don’t except you to forgive me ever, but I want to explain why I said what I said.

(Y/N): “Well go on, I haven’t got all day.”

At this point I had no interest in listening to him trying to make what he said about me okay.

Dean: “First of all, I did love you a lot..”

(Y/N): “Mmm yes because people who love each other call their partner a whore in front of their friends. Sure.”

I said while giving him the biggest and the most dramatic eye roll I possibly could.

Dean: “No (Y/N), it’s not like that. I had NEVER called you that before that drunken moment. I swear I don’t know what got into me. I guess Drunk Dean was just trying to sound cool to his friends. I can barely remember what I said that night, and I’m pretty sure my friends don’t remember anything ether. So, no one thinks that you’re a whore or whatever I called you.”

(Y/N): “So, you expect that THAT is going to me feel better?”

Dean: “Huh? What do you mean?”

My eyes started to water and I started to get angry again.

(Y/N): “Hyuk, don’t you get it? I don’t care what your friends think about me. What hurts me is that YOU degraded me. You, someone I cared about so much. I’ve put so much effort to make this relationship work. I have supported you and your career through everything. I have had to deal with mean fans and death threats and all that shit and you really think that THAT half-assed apology makes up for everything I’ve done for you, for US? How can I be sure that you’re even being honest?”

My voice started to raise and the people in the café started to give us looks.

Dean: “I AM being honest! You’re not even giving me a chance to speak. Maybe if you would stop cutting me off every time I try to speak you would actually understand me!”

(Y/N): “OH so now you’re blaming ME for calling out your excuses?”

Dean: “Well maybe if you stopped being so dramatic then maybe this whole thing could have been avoided! You’re too sensitive!”

(Y/N): “So you’re saying that this WHOLE shit storm happened because I was being dramatic and that it’s MY fault that I got sad because my own boyfriend degraded me?? What the hell else should have I done? Just accept your behavior and brush it off!?”

Dean: “I DON’T KNOW. I’m a guy, guys talk shit all the time I didn’t think it was a big deal. You always over exaggerate things!”

(Y/N): You are a sick fuck Hyuk you know that? I wanted to believe that you were good guy but I guess the truth must come out one way or another. And no, not all men are like you. You’re just one of the worst. You are a disrespectful pig and I don’t want to see you or talk to you ever again. So please, stop contacting and leave me. the. fuck. alone.”

I said as I gave me the most evil look I could possible give him with my teary eyes. I didn’t even give him a chance to respond. I was just glad to have the last word.

I got up from my seat and walked out of the café, not caring about the looks that the staff and everyone else was giving me. I walked to the street and took a deep breath. Happy, that I could leave all this shit behind and move on. I walked home quickly feeling happy, sad, frustrated and relived all at once. But more than anything I was happy that Hyuk was finally out of my life, for good.

The end.

A/N: aaah part 2. is finished. I really hope you enjoy this one and feel free to give me feedback. ^^

#dean #deanfluenza #kwon hyuk #dean scenario #dean scenarios #khh #khh scenario #khh scenarios #krnb #krnb scenario #krnb scenarios

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doorrepcal33169 · 6 years ago

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You created a machine learning application. Now make sure it’s secure.

The software industry has demonstrated, all too clearly, what happens when you don’t pay attention to security.

In a recent post, we described what it would take to build a sustainable machine learning practice. By “sustainable,” we mean projects that aren’t just proofs of concepts or experiments. A sustainable practice means projects that are integral to an organization’s mission: projects by which an organization lives or dies. These projects are built and supported by a stable team of engineers, and supported by a management team that understands what machine learning is, why it’s important, and what it’s capable of accomplishing. Finally, sustainable machine learning means that as many aspects of product development as possible are automated: not just building models, but cleaning data, building and managing data pipelines, testing, and much more. Machine learning will penetrate our organizations so deeply that it won’t be possible for humans to manage them unassisted.

Organizations throughout the world are waking up to the fact that security is essential to their software projects. Nobody wants to be the next Sony, the next Anthem, or the next Equifax. But while we know how to make traditional software more secure (even though we frequently don’t), machine learning presents a new set of problems. Any sustainable machine learning practice must address machine learning’s unique security issues. We didn’t do that for traditional software, and we’re paying the price now. Nobody wants to pay the price again. If we learn one thing from traditional software’s approach to security, it’s that we need to be ahead of the curve, not behind it. As Joanna Bryson writes, “Cyber security and AI are inseparable.”

The presence of machine learning in any organization won’t be a single application, a single model; it will be many applications, using many models—perhaps thousands of models, or tens of thousands, automatically generated and updated. Machine learning on low-power edge devices, ranging from phones to tiny sensors embedded in assembly lines, tools, appliances, and even furniture and building structures, increases the number of models that need to be monitored. And the advent of 5G mobile services, which significantly increases the network bandwidth to mobile devices, will make it much more attractive to put machine learning at the edge of the network. We anticipate billions of machines, each of which may be running dozens of models. At this scale, we can't assume that we can deal with security issues manually. We need tools to assist the humans responsible for security. We need to automate as much of the process as possible, but not too much, giving humans the final say.

In “Lessons learned turning machine learning models into real products and services,” David Talby writes that “the biggest mistake people make with regard to machine learning is thinking that the models are just like any other type of software.” Model development isn’t software development. Models are unique—the same model can’t be deployed twice; the accuracy of any model degrades as soon as it is put into production; and the gap between training data and live data, representing real users and their actions, is huge. In many respects, the task of modeling doesn’t get started until the model hits production, and starts to encounter real-world data.

Unfortunately, one characteristic that software development has in common with machine learning is a lack of attention to security. Security tends to be a low priority. It gets some lip service, but falls out of the picture when deadlines get tight. In software, that’s been institutionalized in the “move fast and break things” mindset. If you’re building fast, you’re not going to take the time to write sanitary code, let alone think about attack vectors. You might not “break things,” but you’re willing to build broken things; the benefits of delivering insecure products on time outweigh the downsides, as Daniel Miessler has written. You might be lucky; the vulnerabilities you create may never be discovered. But if security experts aren’t part of the development team from the beginning, if security is something to be added on at the last minute, you’re relying on luck, and that’s not a good position to be in. Machine learning is no different, except that the pressure of delivering a product on time is even greater, the issues aren’t as well understood, the attack surface is larger, the targets are more valuable, and companies building machine learning products haven’t yet engaged with the problems.

What kinds of attacks will machine learning systems see, and what will they have to defend against? All of the attacks we have been struggling with for years, but there are a number of vulnerabilities that are specific to machine learning. Here’s a brief taxonomy of attacks against machine learning:

Poisoning, or injecting bad (“adversarial”) data into the training data. We’ve seen this many times in the wild. Microsoft’s Tay was an experimental chatbot that was quickly taught to spout racist and anti-semitic messages by the people who were chatting with it. By inserting racist content into the data stream, they effectively gained control over Tay’s behavior. The appearance of “fake news” in channels like YouTube, Facebook, Twitter, and even Google searches, was similar: once fake news was posted, users were attracted to it like flies, and the algorithms that made recommendations “learned” to recommend that content. danah boyd has argued that these incidents need to be treated as security issues, intentional and malicious corruption of the data feeding the application, not as isolated pranks or algorithmic errors.

Any machine learning system that constantly trains itself is vulnerable to poisoning. Such applications could range from customer service chat bots (can you imagine a call center bot behaving like Tay?) to recommendation engines (real estate redlining might be a consequence) or even to medical diagnosis (modifying recommended drug dosages). To defend against poisoning, you need strong control over the training data. Such control is difficult (if not impossible) to achieve. “Black hat SEO” to improve search engine rankings is nothing if not an early (and still very present) example of poisoning. Google can’t control the incoming data, which is everything that is on the web. Their only recourse is to tweak their search algorithms constantly and penalize abusers for their behavior. In the same vein, bots and troll armies have manipulated social media feeds to spread views ranging from opposition to vaccination to neo-naziism.

Evasion, or crafting input that causes a machine learning system to misclassify it. Again, we’ve seen this both in the wild and in the lab. CV Dazzle uses makeup and hair styles as “camouflage against face recognition technology.” Other research projects have shown that it’s possible to defeat image classification by changing a single pixel in an image: a ship becomes a car, a horse becomes a frog. Or, just as with humans, image classifiers can miss an unexpected object that’s out of context: an elephant in the room, for example. It’s a mistake to think that computer vision systems “understand” what they see in ways that are similar to humans. They’re not aware of context, they don’t have expectations about what’s normal; they’re simply doing high-stakes pattern matching. Researchers have reported similar vulnerabilities in natural language processing, where changing a word, or even a letter, in a way that wouldn’t confuse human researchers causes machine learning to misunderstand a phrase.

Although these examples are often amusing, it’s worth thinking about real-world consequences: could someone use these tricks to manipulate the behavior of autonomous vehicles? Here’s how that could work: I put a mark on a stop sign—perhaps by sticking a fragment of a green sticky note at the top. Does that make an autonomous vehicle think the stop sign is a flying tomato, and if so, would the car stop? The alteration doesn’t have to make the sign “look like” a tomato to a human observer; it just has to push the image closer to the boundary where the model says “tomato.” Machine learning has neither the context nor the common sense to understand that tomatoes don’t appear in mid-air. Could a delivery drone be subverted to become a weapon by causing it to misunderstand its surroundings? Almost certainly. Don’t dismiss these examples as academic. A stop sign with a few pixels changed in the lab may not be different from a stop sign that has been used for target practice during hunting season.

Impersonation attacks attempt to fool a model into misidentifying someone or something. The goal is frequently to gain unauthorized access to a system. For example, an attacker might want to trick a bank into misreading the amount written on a check. Fingerprints obtained from drinking glasses, or even high resolution photographs, can be used to fool fingerprint authentication. South Park trolled Alexa and Google Home users by using the words “Alexa” and “OK Google” repeatedly in an episode, triggering viewers’ devices; the devices weren’t able to distinguish between the show voices and real ones. The next generation of impersonation attacks will be “deep fake” videos that place words in the mouths of real people.

Inversion means using an API to gather information about a model, and using that information to attack it. Inversion can also mean using an API to obtain private information from a model, perhaps by retrieving data and de-anonymizing it. In “The Secret Sharer: Measuring Unintended Neural Network Memorization & Extracting Secrets,” the authors show that machine learning models tend to memorize all their training data, and that it’s possible to extract protected information from a model. Common approaches to protecting information don’t work; the model still incorporates secret information in ways that can be extracted. Differential privacy—the practice of carefully inserting extraneous data into a data set in ways that don’t change its statistical properties—has some promise, but with significant cost: the authors point out that training is much slower. Furthermore, the number of developers who understand and can implement differential privacy is small.

While this may sound like an academic concern, it’s not; writing a script to probe machine learning applications isn’t difficult. Furthermore, Michael Veale and others write that inversion attacks raise legal problems. Under the GDPR, if protected data is memorized by models, are those models subject to the same regulations as personal data? In that case, developers would have to remove personal data from models—not just the training data sets—on request; it would be very difficult to sell products that incorporated models, and even techniques like automated model generation could become problematic. Again, the authors point to differential privacy, but with the caution that few companies have the expertise to deploy models with differential privacy correctly.

Other vulnerabilities, other attacks

This brief taxonomy of vulnerabilities doesn’t come close to listing all the problems that machine learning will face in the field. Many of these vulnerabilities are easily exploited. You can probe Amazon to find out what products are recommended along with your products, possibly finding out who your real competitors are, and discovering who to attack. You might even be able to reverse-engineer how Amazon makes recommendations and use that knowledge to influence the recommendations they make.

More complex attacks have been seen in the field. One involves placing fake reviews on an Amazon seller’s site, so that when the seller removes the reviews, Amazon bans the seller for review manipulation. Is this an attack against machine learning? The attacker tricks the human victim into violating Amazon’s rules. Ultimately, though, it’s the machine learning system that’s tricked into taking an incorrect action (banning the victim) that it could have prevented.

“Google bowling” means creating large numbers of links to a competitor’s website in hopes that Google’s ranking algorithm will penalize the competitor for purchasing bulk links. It’s similar to the fake review attack, except that it doesn’t require a human intermediary; it’s a direct attack against the algorithm that analyzes inbound links.

Advertising was one of the earliest adopters of machine learning, and one of the earliest victims. Click fraud is out of control, and the machine learning community is reluctant to talk about (or is unaware of) the issue—even though, as online advertising becomes ever more dependent on machine learning, fraudsters will learn how to attack models directly in their attempts to appear legitimate. If click data is unreliable, then models built from that data are unreliable, along with any results or recommendations generated by those models. And click fraud is similar to many attacks against recommendation systems and trend analysis. Once a “fake news” item has been planted, it’s simple to make it trend with some automated clicks. At that point, the recommendation takes over, generating recommendations which in turn generate further clicks. Anything automated is prone to attack, and automation allows those attacks to take place at scale.

The advent of autonomous vehicles, ranging from cars to drones, presents yet another set of threats. If the machine learning systems on an autonomous vehicle are vulnerable to attack, a car or truck could conceivably be used as a murder weapon. So could a drone—either a weaponized military drone or a consumer drone. The military already knows that drones are vulnerable; in 2011, Iran captured a U.S. drone, possibly by spoofing GPS signals. We expect to see attacks on “smart” consumer health devices and professional medical devices, many of which we know are already vulnerable.

Taking action

Merely scolding and thinking about possible attacks won’t help. What can be done to defend machine learning models? First, we can start with traditional software. The biggest problem with insecure software isn’t that we don’t understand security; it’s that software vendors, and software users, never take the basic steps they would need to defend themselves. It’s easy to feel defenseless before hyper-intelligent hackers, but the reality is that sites like Equifax become victims because they didn’t take basic precautions, such as installing software updates. So, what do machine learning developers need to do?

Security audits are a good starting point. What are the assets that you need to protect? Where are they, and how vulnerable are they? Who has access to those resources, and who actually needs that access? How can you minimize access to critical data? For example, a shipping system needs customer addresses, but it doesn’t need credit card information; a payment system needs credit card information, but not complete purchase histories. Can this data be stored and managed in separate, isolated databases? Beyond that, are basic safeguards in place, such as two-factor authentication? It’s easy to fault Equifax for not updating their software, but almost any software system depends on hundreds, if not thousands, of external libraries. What strategy do you have in place to ensure they’re updated, and that updates don't break working systems?

Like conventional software, machine learning systems should use monitoring systems that generate alerts to notify staff when something abnormal or suspicious occurs. Some of these monitoring systems are already using machine learning for anomaly detection—which means the monitoring software itself can be attacked.

Penetration testing is a common practice in the online world: your security staff (or, better, consultants) attack your site to discover its vulnerabilities. Attack simulation is an extension of penetration testing that shows you “how attackers actually achieve goals against your organization.” What are they looking for? How do they get to it? Can you gain control over a system by poisoning its inputs?

Tools for testing computer vision systems by generating "adversarial images" are already appearing, such as cleverhans and IBM’s ART. We are starting to see papers describing adversarial attacks against speech recognition systems. Adversarial input is a special case of a more general problem. Most machine learning developers assume their training data is similar to the data their systems will face in the real world. That’s an idealized best case. It’s easy to build a face identification system if all your faces are well-lit, well-focused, and have light-skinned subjects. A working system needs to handle all kinds of images, including images that are blurry, badly focused, poorly lighted—and have dark-skinned subjects.

Safety verification is a new area for AI research, still in its infancy. Safety verification asks questions like whether models can deliver consistent results, or whether small changes in the input lead to large changes in the output. If machine learning is at all like conventional software, we expect an escalating struggle between attackers and defenders; better defenses will lead to more sophisticated attacks, which will lead to a new generation of defenses. It will never be possible to say that a model has been “verifiably safe.” But it is important to know that a model has been tested, and that it is reasonably well-behaved against all known attacks.

Model explainability has become an important area of research in machine learning. Understanding why a model makes specific decisions is important for several reasons, not the least of which is that it makes people more comfortable with using machine learning. That “comfort” can be deceptive, of course. But being able to ask models why they made particular decisions will conceivably make it easier to see when they’ve been compromised. During development, explainability will make it possible to test how easy it is for an adversary to manipulate a model, in applications from image classification to credit scoring. In addition to knowing what a model does, explainability will tell us why, and help us build models that are more robust, less subject to manipulation; understanding why a model makes decisions should help us understand its limitations and weaknesses. At the same time, it’s conceivable that explainability will make it easier to discover weaknesses and attack vectors. If you want to poison the data flowing into a model, it can only help to know how the model responds to data.

In “Deep Automation in Machine Learning,” we talked about the importance of data lineage and provenance, and tools for tracking them. Lineage and provenance are important whether or not you’re developing the model yourself. While there are many cloud platforms to automate model building and even deployment, ultimately your organization is responsible for the model’s behavior. The downside of that responsibility includes everything from degraded profits to legal liability. If you don’t know where your data is coming from and how it has been modified, you have no basis for knowing whether your data has been corrupted, either through accident or malice.

“Datasheets for Datasets” proposes a standard set of questions about a data set’s sources, how the data was collected, its biases, and other basic information. Given a specification that records a data set’s properties, it should be easy to test and detect sudden and unexpected changes. If an attacker corrupts your data, you should be able to detect that and correct it up front; if not up front, then later in an audit.

Datasheets are a good start, but they are only a beginning. Whatever tools we have for tracking data lineage and provenance need to be automated. There will be too many models and data sets to rely on manual tracking and audits.

Balancing openness against tipping off adversaries

In certain domains, users and regulators will increasingly prefer machine learning services and products that can provide simple explanations for how automated decisions and recommendations are being made. But we’ve already seen that too much information can lead to certain parties gaming models (as in SEO). How much to disclose depends on the specific application, domain, and jurisdiction.

This balancing act is starting to come up in machine learning and related areas that involve the work of researchers (who tend to work in the open) who are up against adversaries who prize unpublished vulnerabilities. The question of whether or not to “temporarily hold back” research results is a discussion that the digital media forensics community has been having. In a 2018

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csemntwinl3x0a1 · 6 years ago

Text

You created a machine learning application. Now make sure it’s secure.

The software industry has demonstrated, all too clearly, what happens when you don’t pay attention to security.

Other vulnerabilities, other attacks

Taking action

Balancing openness against tipping off adversaries

https://ift.tt/2Vrb0Ym

#FEED 10 TECHNOLOGY

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repmywind02199 · 6 years ago

Text

You created a machine learning application. Now make sure it’s secure.

The software industry has demonstrated, all too clearly, what happens when you don’t pay attention to security.

Other vulnerabilities, other attacks

Taking action

Balancing openness against tipping off adversaries

https://ift.tt/2Vrb0Ym

#FEED 10 TECHNOLOGY

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messrsmemoirs · 8 years ago

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do you think Remus ever forgave Severus? i mean he said he did but how could he? (this is about the last post you reblogged)

I’m such a poor ask answerer that I’ve forgotten which post this was. I tried to go back and find it but I ran into Remus’ birthday marathon (90 posts, I think) and... I realized I tend to leave asks a little too long. Whoops. Sorry! So that just means you’ll be getting a broader post about a couple more Snape-Remus incidents, to really tackle the issues of Forgiveness.

To answer the question most openly and honestly, no, I don’t think Remus forgave Snape. There’s a lot of significant things happening between them over the years, and I think Remus tried to. I do genuinely believe that he tried, that he wanted to be the person that could and that perhaps he even told Harry that for more than just appearing to be the mature Adult. I think part of that is trying to also reaffirm to himself that it happened. But Remus is one of those people who has struggled in a particularly subtext way: I’m betting he’s had his fair share of “Get away from me werewolf”, (sorry Ron), but I’m willing to bet even more that on top of that is a layer of, “Yeah I don’t think we can hire people like... that.” It’s easier to be cruel behind the scenes. Remus suffers prejudice and poor reputation before he opens his mouth. And he tries to cement a few times that it hasn’t affected him, that the world can keep on pushing and that he’ll keep on chugging. But... let’s be honest: he’s a little bitter in his heart.

“Dumbledore wanted a spy, and here I was... ready-made.” HBP16.

“This time tomorrow the owls will start arriving. They will not want a werewolf teaching their children, Harry.” PoA22

These are little examples of the ways Remus doesn’t openly speak of his experiences, but they are hinted at nonetheless. Up top, he’s not mad at Dumbledore. He’s bitter that Dumbledore’s right--that he really is the man for the job that he really doesn’t want. That he’s already a werewolf, so why shouldn’t he be the one to go and face the others of his kind, something probably traumatic and triggering--or at least disturbing and uncomfortable for Remus, a man who straight up abhors anything wolfy let alone werewolfy. And the second? He just knows without having to think about it how mothers and fathers will react to him: the same way job makers do when he applies for a position, the same way landlords do when he applies for a lease. Hell, half his conversations in OotP are about how it’s impossible for him to find a job, and even the werewolf bitten in the ward is getting scared looks a full two weeks before his first transformation. Remus constantly pushes himself down, degrading his accomplishments and personal character, describing himself as a monster when we know he’s a kind, loving, brave, fiercely loyal and intelligent man. But nonetheless, he’s been beaten and brutalized mentally so much that he’s internalized it and he happily does it to himself, too. That’s not a happy man. That’s a bitter man. Remus says otherwise, but his words speak the truth for themselves.

To keep with that, Snape has never treated Remus particularly well.

He snapped his fingers, and the ends of the cords that bound Lupin flew into his hands. “I’ll drag the werewolf. Perhaps the dementors will have a Kiss for him too--”

“Don’t ask me to fathom the way a werewolf’s mind works,” hissed Snape.

These are minor quotes from right around the same part of PoA as the above. Look at the disdain Snape has for Remus--not even as a person, but as a creature. Snape doesn’t say, “I’ll drag the professor,” or, “I’ll drag Lupin,” no--it’s: “I’ll drag the werewolf.” “Don’t ask me to fathom how a werewolf’s mind works.” In other words, “Remus Lupin is not a man, he’s a savage beast who doesn’t even think like a human because he isn’t one.” And I’ve got several things to say about “drag the werewolf” too, but... I won’t. Not here.

Anyway.

Snape and Remus may have had their childhood quarrels, which explains Snape’s personal dislike. But during PoA Remus tries more than hard to maintain a civil relationship with his colleague, save the incident with Neville which I’m willing to write off was more to really deflate Snape in Neville’s mind than to straight up humiliate Snape, who by then had already spoken to Dumbledore about not hiring Remus at all and who was making wolfsbane potion for Remus anyway. Remus had had 12 years to distance himself from Snape, and he probably didn’t want to start stirring the pot on day 1.

At this point, it’s arguable whether Snape has done anything that really warrants forgiveness. Remus and Snape haven’t seen one another in 12 years, and I’m sure there are incidents we don’t know about. But the one we do know of is the most important one from that period: the Shack incident, in which Remus was seen by Snape and Snape was forced into secrecy. I sincerely doubt that Remus would actually hold this against Snape in any way. Remus knows Snape has it out for him. Remus expects the behavour our of Snape. And everything would have gone as normal if it weren’t for Sirius. Sirius is the one at fault here, not Snape, and I don’t think Remus felt any lasting resentment for that. Rather, I think he felt fear at having his greatest weakness handed to his worst enemy by a friend. I would argue that even knowing Dumbledore had bidden Snape into secrecy that Remus lay awake at night in terror of what Snape might do with that information. And I further argue that Snape probably made Remus’ life a living hell when he could, using that specific information. Just look at what he does 12 years later as a grown man: the infamous “turn to page 394″ business. It’s no secret that Snape was trying to get the students to figure it out, and quite actively. He was trying to get someone to shun Remus for him, because he was tied by some darn red tape into being a decent person and keeping his mouth shut.

But this doesn’t prevent Snape from spilling the beans by the end of the book, of course. And this is the first of the larger-scale things I would argue fall under the “forgiveness” umbrella, because while I think after having been loose on the grounds, arguably an understandable accident but dangerous nonetheless, that Remus would have resigned anyway. He knew that was an unforgivable error on his part, accident or no (not that he sees it that way, though) and that he didn’t want to allow the possibility to manifest ever again. Resigning was the right choice. Now, Dumbledore didn’t fire him, either. Formally, Remus quit. But Snape went ahead and told the entire school about his dirty laundry anyway. Snape outed him to the students, who outed him to their parents, who outed him to the larger wizarding world through gossip and outrage. I’m sure there was a Prophet article, and even a controversy about it. But the thing is, Dumbledore convinced the Minister of Magic himself that Remus was trying to save their lives that night. So Snape, outraged about the loss of his Order of Merlin, took it upon himself to “accidentally let slip” that Remus was a werewolf. At breakfast. In front of the entire school.

And Remus?

Lupin shrugged. “The news would have leaked out anyway. We both know he wanted my job, but he could have wreaked much worse damage on me by tampering with the potion. He kept me healthy. I must be grateful.”

Except that Snape was under orders to make the potion, obligated by potential murder charges and job loss to make it correctly, and Remus is essentially saying, “Sure, he cost me the best and most stable job I’ve ever had, but at least he didn’t poison me.” I mean, Snape did want to have Remus’ soul sucked out of his mouth and all, too. But Remus has to be grateful. What’s worse is that Remus believes that he has to be grateful, too. Sure, he says, he and Snape will never be bosom buddies. Too much history with Sirius and James and Severus. But at least he didn’t poison me.

I probably didn’t explain this in the best way, but think of it all like this: Remus thinks he deserves that kind of treatment, or he isn’t surprised by it. He expects it. But that doesn’t mean he’s not affected by it, doesn’t mean he doesn’t have to live with the realities of what Snape does to him. And that doesn’t mean that he isn’t privately bitter about it, because as we’ve seen he is affected profoundly by the life he’s lived. Whether he goes, “I hate Snape” or not, I don’t think Remus forgets that Snape has that part to play in the way his life has unfolded. I don’t think Remus is angry about it, but that doesn’t mean he forgives Snape even if he expects it. Remus trusts Snape because Dumbledore trusts Snape. That’s enough for him. But I don’t think they would actively work together without that tie to bind them together. I think Remus probably feels that Snape is a largely unchanged man, and I doubt he would honestly go to Snape for help unless he was going to die, and then he’d half expect to be laughed at, die, and have Snape kick his body off his doorstep like a man flicking something disgusting off his shoe. How can Remus not feel a level of resentment? Even if he wants to be the bigger man and say, “yes, I have forgiven him,” I don’t think that’s completely true. And I think that’s okay, that that’s human, and it’s especially so that Remus is trying to get himself to forgive. It’s astonishing, really. But I still think that there’s a pocket of underlying resentment that really stops it from becoming completely true, if that makes sense.

And I had more thoughts on this so I may edit or reblog and add more, but alas my free time has ended and now I have to cut it short here. So anyone else, feel free to add on to this or start a discourse or what have you.

Like what you see? Help make it happen. Give me things to write about! Or, buy me a coffee! Ko-fi.com/messrsmemoirs

#snape hate #i... guess #i mean i kind of lay it on thick but i'm trying to show things from the remus perspective and snape was not nice to remus #or to anybody really #but uh... yeah #so i'll tag as snape hate i guess #remus lupin #text #mine #Anonymous

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choosehereveryday · 5 years ago

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Week 1

What brought me in? What made you decide it was time to take action?

I lost really important relationships because of my anxiety that triggers crazy manic behavior, I have gotten violent I have hurt people close to me and tried hurting myself and I’m trying to do anything to feel better. Every day now I am severely depressed, I miss my previous partner so much and crave the communication and relationship we once had. And I want to learn to how to battle my triggers so I can be a better partner/friend/person, and generally survive in society with myself with minimal or no severe manic episodes.

Strengths

Charismatic, funny

Resilient

Self-sufficient

Street smart

Adabptable

How ________ effects my well being?

Intimate Relationships: Currently technically have none but my previous partner still weighs heavily on my mind constantly, I have spent days in bed crying and trying to find ways to be okay with literally no prevail I feel hopeless missing her so much, it hurts to even write this.

Friends: I feel as though I have lost a lot of friendships and invested my time into ones that don’t always benefit me.

I have a few friends at work who I would really consider my best friends, whether they think the same of me or not I’m not sure. Which doesn’t really bother me because they give me a nice release and I feel comfortable around them not comfortable enough to go to them when I am upset but just enough so I can say I am having a bad day and Dan will send me gifs and memes and sometimes we take walks that get me out of the office and to stop crying at work. Also all amazing and trusted people to bitch about the stresses of work too!

I really want to reach out to new circles because I am really tired of feeling insignificant in my friends lives and even being invited to a festival in a group and knowing they have a group chat but not being apart of it. I am taking everything as a grain of salt but life has been very lonely lately and I haven’t really done anything at all. I feel guilty every time I go out somewhere like I’m gonna get in trouble or if Erin found out she would be triggered and even though she obviously doesn’t want to talk to me I still cant help but worry it will hurt her and in turn me.

Family My family and I are not close and I guess eventually once I’m healthy again and consistent in my relationships I would love to grow closer with them again.

My dad stresses me out I feel unloved and undervalued by him, I don’t know if it is solely just mistakes I have made or his harsh outlook on life but he communicates and makes me feel so degraded and worthless.

My mom is just so aloof with me, she left while I was 15 and never contacted me till years later when she just showed up at my graduation and then again the same year a few months later on my birthday because I was leaving for the military, she is my mom and I find some comfort in her but I also don’t care to have a relationship with her because it is very one sided, and it is not that way with my sister and that deeply hurts me.

My Grandma I miss her so much she passed away a few years ago and since that moment everything has been a blur i really just whole heartily think she could help and having a family member as constant as her would be so fucking nice most days and I cry out for her, I miss her so much when I am feeling like I cant cope. Sometimes I feel like its just because she is there and is trying to calm me down but I don’t know if that sounds crazy I just take comfort in her spirit

My other (living) grandma, I feel guilt that I am not spending more time with her but I don’t care as passionately for her as I did my other grandma and she always makes snarky remarks and its really hard to communicate and stuff with her. But she is top priority on my list to reconnect with

My sister, I run to her on my really bad days and she has saved my life without knowing it many times by just being available to sit with she and I get along really well but again our relationship feels forced and one sided there are a lot of things that have happened and that I simply think we both point the finger at the other for that I don’t think will ever change.

Do you have a strong group of friends? Do you seem them as much as you’d want? Have they been effected by your anxiety and or depression?

I don’t have a group of friends I can just call up and get together with or even really a single person like that right now and its really killing me, as an adult you cant just accrue those friendships as easily either and I really miss having a solid group of people, I think I have an issue being alone somewhat, while at the same time I literally do not experience anxiety going out in public alone, I have gone to dinners alone, and honestly found it to be enjoyable. So I am not sure exactly where my anxiety gets triggered from being alone, I think its human touch. But also I do not feel comfortable having anyone else touch me whatsoever.

Work Life: I find work work to be somewhat the only positive, while processes and management can be aggravating I find it to be a copiable feel and easily can vent it out. My co workers fill me with lots of laughs and an outlet for good conversation and like mentioned above I feel comfortable with them almost the most right now. I also love my job and feel like if I can make it full time with my upcoming interviews I could be my dream job and its been easier then ever to save money and no long live pay check to pay check

Faith, Meaning, Expansion Becoming more zen and more in tune with the world is becoming really important to me I always resonated with higher vibrations and I want to start tuning into those more, times when I did I was happiest, most healthy and least manic. I have been meditating every day and spending tons of time thinking and writing and creating when I can, becoming healthier physically emotionally and spiritually is something I’m trying to take in strides but one day at a time. But I want to learn more about energies and crystals as cliche as it sound and surround myself with healing energies.

What moves me? What are things I am passionate about?

I am moved by success, I find it fulfilling to explore and to see others explore, I want to always take joy in others accomplish really cool things and go really cool places, sometimes my jealousy and my own self has held me back from doing the things I always hoped I would be doing in my 20’s and I really am hoping to start getting out and seeing the world more now that I am not in a relationship. I also am passionate about weed and find it so interesting to learn about and have expanded my knowledge so much and I am using that as drive to grow in my current job because I do have the potential and that would make me happy. Also having money and the freedoms this job could give me to travel are huge.

Physical health:I walk a lot while getting to and from work I find joy in it and have noticed as I walk up certain hills that used to make me extremely winded I am able to glide up them. I have always be fairly athletic and happy with my body because of it and it is easy to remain and become toned which is another goal, possible plan to get into lifting eventually or join a crossfire gym.

Eating habits: it really varies I was over eating one week and this week I have found it very hard to acquire and appetite or motivation to cook meals, the week before this I bought Tupperware though made meals for the whole week stuck to it and was eating fairly healthy which is a new habit for me since leaving my relationship, we ate out a lot and I was much more willing to just grab a quick bite when I had her to share it with.

Substance Use: I used to have a huge issue with drinking and I ended up basically going to jail because I was so drunk and out of control and currently have a non-conditional probation, but since then I have spent 3-4 months being completely sober and then slowly started wanting to drink more and a lot of problems between my ex spiraled from that. She wouldn’t allow me to drink at all and it wasn’t even that I wanted to so badly, I just wasn’t going to be told that I couldn’t and especially since I know I have a hold on myself while drinking, I fought her on it and lied to her and would betray her trust, but I just never thought it was necessary anymore like she did, I enjoy drinking every so often and think that it is okay but could never come out on the top of that conversation with her.

Sleep I normally spend my nights trying to become as tired as possible so I can fall asleep without thinking about missing Erin, I have terrible ptsd/sleep paralysis/intense anxiety around my dreams and I just really loved having her to wake up next to I slept so well next to her I felt so whole when I would get to hold her in my arms. I miss that I wake up EVERY night at 5-6 am and I cannot get back to sleep even though I could just try and go to work I lay in bed for hours trying to find motivation. My bedroom has become my sanctuary.

Recreation, Relaxation, What do you like doing tn your free time:? I love going out and enjoying social environments and doing activities with lots of laughing and good times, I love going outside and just enjoying nature like hiking can be cool but even just sitting at the beach and looking out at a really nice view. I spend a lot of time on my phone to relax and occupy my mind. I want to travel more and go places I have never been more.

I am trying to not stress myself out and cause panic though so I am really staying in a lot and when I go out its normally just myself or its somewhere where I am free to leave whenever I please without feeling bad.

GOALS FOR 7 WEEKS

Feel less anxious and depressed

Have the ability to go to Erin with some change and hope it helps or the ability to find a way to move on more effectively

Feel more comfortable going out and finding people I am comfortable with besides co-workers that can commit time to me

Become lighter and less suicidal on my bad days

Feel more comfortable in general with my life the way it is/going to be now.

Reminder for this week:

Review goals

Use reminders in calendar Remind self of goals

Log your time in Daily activities form

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onetoomanythinks-blog · 7 years ago

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Retired Hoes Make the Best Wives

What a controversial discussion piece 🤗 I know y'all are like, "nah sis, you trippin". I'm not tho 🙄 One thing that women do that I hate entirely too much is support men more than they empower other women. Men set these double standards and women are the enforcers. Women understand other women and the things we go through from being sexualized, sexually molested, degraded, mentally & physically abused, denied, ignored, etc. Instead of supporting and encouraging one another, we let men tell US how to be women. Let me say that again 🗣, WE 👏🏾 LET 👏🏾 MEN 👏🏾 TELL 👏🏾 US 👏🏾 HOW 👏🏾 TO 👏🏾 BE 👏🏾 WOMEN ‼️ Walk with me for a moment... Let's look at women who experienced promiscuity in their younger years (anywhere from 13-24). Women and men are still in their adolescence. In fact, it has been proven that the human brain is not fully developed until they are about 25 years old. During these late adolescent/ early adult years, we are trying to find ourselves. We are in a new world and trying to figure out where we fit in this 7.4 billion (# of ppl on earth as of 2016) piece puzzle. The bodies we've been comfortable or uncomfortable with for years are starting to fill out. We're getting attention we never noticed before. We're being exposed to things we've never seen before. We're experimenting with things we can't even spell. We're just trying to be liked. This is the phase of life where you choose the popular thing over the right thing because the right thing is probably the lame thing and seriously, who wants to be the lame 🙄 Let's remember one key thing here: men and women experience this phase of their lives. In all honesty, men actually experience this phase way longer. So now that we've laid the foundation for this discussion, let me ask a question: Why do people refuse to let you outgrow your past? 🤔 People change daily. Life experiences mold you into the person that you are. Your lifestyle is something that is acquired, not ascribed. In layman's terms, the decisions that you make do not define who you are. However, people judge you based on the things you've done not understanding the experience or logic behind why you did it. While women are open and forgiving toward men, women & MEN are not as open to forgiving women. Men want women who are pure and untouched. They want a woman to be feminine, keep up with themselves (& their kids), have her own money, work, go to school, take solace in staying in the house for the rest of their lives, and above all, ACCEPT ALL THE BULLSHIT THEY'VE DONE BEFORE, DURING, AND AFTER THE RELATIONSHIP‼️😤 Like I've said before, people change. If you met me 3 months ago and we never spoke again, I'd feel we have to be reintroduced. I am not the same person I was 3 months ago, as I would hope you aren't either. People like to excommunicate you to a land you haven't lived in for quite some time. This can be disheartening for someone looking to grow or change their ways. We are often criticized for trying to be better than our previous selves. Let me say that again, WE ARE OFTEN CRITICIZED FOR TRYING TO BE BETTER‼️ not better than other people. Those who seek real change do it for themselves. Those who change for others are simply going through a phase. However, there are people that will genuinely despise you for outgrowing you. I'm convinced that as a defense mechanism, they constantly remind you of where you've been so you don't stray too far from the place you no longer want to be. For example, people who were once promiscuous will change... eventually. Women do not normally go throughout life sleeping around forever. At some people, we slow down because of a major life change. For some women, having children is their climax. Some women meet a particular man who actually overlooks their previous lifestyles and attempt to get to know who they are. This can trigger a woman wanting to escape who she used to be to be a better woman. Some women find God (🙋🏾). And there are some women who just grow tired of doing the same shit. Who knows? I say that old hoes make the best wives for a few reasons. Think about it. Why do men like hoes? They're usually fun and exciting. They are easy to talk to and rarely complain about anything. They are more than qualified in the bedroom. They are usually the women that men fantasize about. Men will say they don't want a woman who wears makeup or weave, who doesn't have a big butt or breast so they go out and get the exact opposite. Meanwhile, they cheat with the very women they claim they don't want. 😒 I say this is the true definition of a mentally challenged person. This is the same thing women do. We have a well thought out list of things we want for our men to do or have, but go and get the exact opposite 🤦🏾‍♀️ We're all dumb. Seriously though, what's better than a person with experience? Experience is the best teacher, right? You know exactly what it is that you want. You know how to please your significant other. You know how to be submissive. God forbid you used to be a side chick, then you know how to be submissive and compromising. You've had all the fun you were going to have so there is no point is cheating or being unfaithful. You know the value of openness and honesty. Your 20s are literally for you to experience life from all angles to see what works best for you. These are the years that you should travel with friends, have that one night stand, drink too much, party too hard, fuck up your credit, move in and out of your parents house more than you wanted to, make mistakes... no one gets it right the first time and shouldn't be judged because of it. What better time to make bad decisions than early in life? I know I don't want to be in my 50s w/bad credit and a venereal disease 🤢😷 We need to start seeing people for their character and stop confining them to their reputation. My favorite self motivating quote is, "people who dwell on your past belong there." If a person wants to live in your past, leave them there. They'll be miserable either way. That's what you call a STILL NIGGA 😬😏 Encourage growth. Applaud that glow up. Let people be happy with whoever they choose to be happy with. Learn to be supportive or leave people the fuck alone 🤷🏾‍♀️ Fin.

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wellmeaningshutin · 7 years ago

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Short Story #121: Click Click Click.

Written: 6/12/2017 Inanimate Perspective Week

When I was made, I was made to do one thing: to kill. And thank the maker, the big S&W in the sky, that I was first purchased by somebody who never wanted to fulfill that purpose. I don’t like violence, I don’t like having to hurt people, I don’t like the way that people handle me, the way their sweaty hands feel their way around my trigger, the way they squeeze me when they make me send a bullet into whatever they want to put a hole inside. Its all crude, its vulgar, and I hate that I don’t have a say in any of it. If I could have my way, I would just sit in some locked box, or a safe, owned by a responsible owner who is just waiting around for somebody to force them to force me to kill, to protect themselves, which is very unlikely in general. Hell, if I could never get used that would be fine by me, but that’s probably just a factory defect. Naturally, others like me get excited whenever they get the opportunity to kill, or even just to maim, but that happens much less often that it seems like it would. We were not made to maim, and doing so can cause displeasure among many others, its only a tease of satisfaction, an event that leads some to repeatedly think over the event, to cause them to wonder what they did wrong, what they could have done to make things right, to kill their target, and it can even bring some to the brink of depression, but that’s not as serious as it could be for people. I mean, other that moping around, wherever we may be stored, what’s the worst that can happen? Its not like we can shoot ourselves. Maybe I’m just viewing it wrong, though, because I don’t want to kill, so I couldn’t understand being unable to, and, let’s not forget, there is something terrible to a life where death is only a possibility. I’ve heard stories about some who have been around since our race first came into the world. They sit around, either in glass cases or hung on walls, always sitting around on display, never having a chance of being used. It seems like, at first, it really wouldn’t be so bad, but I have to imagine that as the years go by things would just get worse and worse. They only live to do one thing, they live to serve one purpose, and they are forced to go on while being incapable of doing that, and eventually they start to realize that they never will be able to carry that out, and they have to focus on that, have to hope that they can have the chance of being broken, of being smelted down and getting killed, instead of having to constantly look at all sorts of people who would never hold them, load them, fire them, people who they would be unable to fill with holes, unable to watch as they dropped lifeless to the ground, blood pouring out of them, unable to feel the satisfaction of having done a job, and having done it well. Then, somewhere down the line, they get to a point where they become to old to ever fire a bullet again, and their minds start to go. They start to forget what they are, what they’re made for, their thoughts seem to be shrouded in a fog that they have no way of seeing through, no way of remembering how it even got there in the first place, having to deal with a vague hatred of the people around them, without knowing why, which can lead them to fell horrible about themselves, because they vaguely know that they want to kill everything in site, but they don’t remember that they’re supposed to feel that way, they don’t know enough to be unashamed of their desires. And they continue to live like that for hundreds of years, and some of them will always have to face that as long as humans feel the need to remember, the need to keep old things on display, so that the new people can know what the old things were like, what the past was. However, that seems like the life for me, I would give anything to be one of them, but I get worried that I’ll end up as another statistic, another gun that gets stolen from their loving home, the safe shelter of their drawer, their safe, where they can gather dust. Some of the worst crimes that we have been made to commit have been done after we’ve been stolen, people find value in making holes, in spilling blood with guns that don’t belong to them, and then they just throw their victims in a river, in a sewer, anywhere where they’ll be guaranteed to rust and die before anyone can find them. Even for me, that sounds like a terrible fate, but not as bad as the institutions where others like me get shipped off to be with people who will be guaranteed to use them, guaranteed to get the opportunity to make as many holes in as many people as they can. I’ve heard these institutions get referred to as ‘the lottery’, which is a term I don’t fully understand in the first place. But, if a gun gets shipped off to one of these places, then they say that they’ve won the lottery, or they’re going to the lottery, however you say the phrase. I don’t like to think about it much, it seems like it would be a nightmare for me. In general, I’ve been very lucky, I haven’t had to worry about being used appropriately. I just sit in a locked box for long periods of time, then every so often I have to be groped and squeezed, which I feel is the price I have to pay for the freedom from killing that I’ve been able to enjoy. Sometimes, if the people get too demanding with me, if they handle me too much, if I start to feel degraded, I just try to hit them with casings, but that’s the best that I could do in retaliation, and even that small amount of aggression makes me feel terrible. You may be wondering what it is that I hate so much about violence, about killing, about seeing blood and knowing that I was the one who was able to release it, that I was the one who was able to spill a person everywhere. Well, I can’t really say for myself why I’m so fucked up inside, maybe I have a notch or a scrape where it shouldn’t be, and that’s whats led me to be so deranged. And, yes, I can admit that I am unstable, that there’s something wrong with the way I feel, and that may come as a surprise to some people. Sure, I may have felt as if I was normal at first, but when you’re as batshit crazy as I apparently am, you start to realize that something is off when you have to deal with others. At first I thought the first couple of others that I met were fucked up inside, that they should be locked up, away from society, away from the people that they were so determined to kill. Then I met more, and more, and I was starting to realize that I wasn’t surrounded by psychos, it was me who was the problem. Yet, knowing the problem can’t do anything to fix it, and knowing that can be very upsetting. More than anything, I would want to be able to be like everyone else. I would love to be able to feel the hatred and the blood lust that all of the others feel, that I’m supposed to feel, but I just can’t, no matter how hard I try. It tears me up inside to know that I will never be able to be normal, I’ll never be able to fit in, or at least feel as if I deserved to fit in, because there was a point in my life where I learned how to pretend. And I’m really good at pretending, too. Hell, when others talk to me, they can’t tell at all that I feel empathy, that I have a distaste towards violence and don’t get all giddy and excited about it as they do. I’ve just learned to mimic whatever others feel, their expressions and reactions, just to make them feel at ease, like I’m one of them, but there’s something unbearably lonely about it. I hear others talk about the bogeymen in our society, the guns who have a distaste for killing, who live among every one else, pretending, hiding inside their twisted desires for peace, and I have to agree that those guns are horrible, all the while knowing that I am one of them, that I could never tell another, could never confide the twisted secret that I have inside, because there is no chance for acceptance. I am a monster, and I have to make sure that nobody will ever know it. I have to go through the motions of life, have to talk with others, have to be loved and accepted for the mask that I wear, instead of who I really am on the inside. I have to deal with my own fantasies about peace, about being one of those rifles that get flowers stuffed inside of them during protests, about being prop gun that will only have to fire blanks, and nothing else, and I have to feel the guilt that I have about these fantasies, knowing that I love them, that they get me excited, knowing that nobody should ever feel this way about such things. Oh, I know that if the moment ever came, if I was ever faced with the fact that I would have to take somebody’s life, I would jam up on the spot, I would try as hard as I could to not fire! I would actively do something that would go against morality, something unthinkable, and I would feel delighted in the process! Nobody like me should have to exist, why couldn’t I be normal, why couldn’t I want to kill like the rest of them? I hope, I pray that something will take my life before it ever gets to that point, I hope that I will be able to hide away, to never be tempted with pacifism, so that I could never have to perform such an evil act! If anyone knew any better, if anyone knew the thoughts that lurked in the darkest corners in my mind, all of my ghastly desires, then they would smelt me down before I could turn those thoughts into reality, before I could make the abstract into something concrete. I have to admit, sometimes I become more terrified of myself than other guns would probably become of me. I think what really scares me isn’t just my impulsive desire for peace, but its the fact that I’m able to hide such a desire. It seems as if I’ve become so adept at faking it, at going through the motions, at seeming normal, being likable, being just like everyone else, that no matter what I do, no matter what little hints that I drop, nobody will be able to pick up on the fact that I’m a non-violent son of a bitch. Its like I’m trying to warn them, I’m screaming on the inside for them to stay away from me, screaming for somebody to stop me before I refuse to kill, but its to no avail. I’m still just one of the guns, I’m still just an antisocial lump of metal that dreams about being a one-gun-genocide, just like everyone else. Its probably my fault though, because every time I make a joke (and by joke, I mean that I say my actual feelings about love, empathy, peace, but I pretend as if it was a joke, and it sort of becomes one to me, because they laugh but they don’t know, they don’t know), every time I get close to opening up about the monster that I really am, and somebody starts to see through it all, I start to do everything I am to convince them that I’m normal, that I’m not a deviant. Its like a reflex, I’ve just gotten so used to being likable with all of the others and I need to say whatever I can to make them like me, maybe my empathy is at fault too. Oh, how many problems has empathy caused me? How many times have I had to talk to others, have I had to pretend like I had their same lack of interest in the emotions of others, only to constantly try to hold back my thoughts of sharing their experiences, of how I loved and felt for them, of how I only wanted what was best for them, well, as long as that didn’t include them spilling any people. There’s something almost comical in the way that I can talk to others, the way that they also see me as cold and heartless, while on the inside I’m busting from the seams with love, passion, feeling, if only the could read my thoughts, could understand this part I play! Oh, how many times have I said something wrong, had I let it slip that I had compassion for another, that I deeply and genuinely cared for their situation, only to find that I had misstepped. How many times have I had to cautiously approach others with a situation, to have to gauge their reactions, just so that I could know how a healthy gun was supposed to react. What a burden this moral compass is! I can’t tell how many times I’ve heard of a mass shooting, where too many humans have died (oh, and even one is too many!), and I’ve had to bring up the news to another, because I know that feeling pitiful inside wouldn’t be the right way to feel! Sometimes I wish that everyone would be like me, but I know that nothing would get done if that was the case. Even if I may not know about it, there has to be a reason why we exist to kill, and to ask everyone to not kill, just so that I could be normal without changing, would be selfish of me. I just hope that they will one day hang me up for all to see, where I can be free from having to shoot anyone, where I can sit in peace with all of the others whose minds have gone, or are already going, who have to sit in horror knowing what is happening to them, where… oh, even in my wildest fantasy I couldn’t be happy! It would pain me to have to be around all of that misery, I just wouldn’t be able to enjoy myself, their burden, their sadness, it would all become my own too. All I want is for others to be happy, and even if I never say it, that’s all I want. But I also don’t want anyone to have to get killed by one of my own kind, and that’s also what my own kind requires to be happy. Its like there’s no winning, there’s no way for things to satisfy me, and its very clear that I am unstable. Maybe I should just pray that I could be alone, that I could get dropped in a sewer somewhere, where there would be no guns, no people, no animals, nothing but myself and my own thoughts. Somewhere where I could feel a sense of security in the fact that I would never have to pretend anymore, where I wouldn’t have to deal with all of those talks of violence, where I would be free with these conflicted feelings, these emotional burdens that I have to bury inside of myself, where I would be free from having my trigger pulled on another person, and having the shooter, the person who is just trying to go through life as it was meant to be, hear the click click click of an unsound mind. I’m sorry if any of this is upsetting to you, but I’ve had this on my mind for quite some time, and I just had to tell somebody. I can’t express how much stress this has caused me, how much the emotional toll has been. I’ve just needed somebody to listen. However, I will try to ease up on all of these upsetting revelations, and to do so I will tell you about a day dream that I had the other night. Although, now that I think about it, it could be taken as being very disgusting, very fucked up, so continue at your own discretion. I am in a place where bullets have torn everything apart, both furniture and people, its a scene that would make a reasonable mind very excited, a scene that is covered in blood, fire, all of that stuff. I am slung over the back of a man, one that I can never really see, his appearance is not important. He slings me around, grips me in his hands, and aims down my scope at one of the corpses. The trigger is pulled, but no bang, no shout, no click follows. There is no sound. A bullet comes from the dead man, right out of him, and finds its way down my barrel. As this happens, the blood finds its way back into the man, and he comes back to life. Time and time and again, the gunman uses me to shoot every dead person int he building, uses me to bring everyone back to life, to undo all of the death and destruction, to make the place peaceful and whole again. Afterwards, everyone hugs each other, and there is happiness all around. Everyone is grateful for what’s happened, somehow everyone has my same mindset towards the event. I know, disgusting, right? Okay, let me tell you about one of my most dreaded scenarios, that should comfort you, and help further display my mental imbalance. I’m slung on the back of a man, it may be the same man, I am unsure. I guess the importance is never on the person who ends up pulling the trigger, but is instead on the acts that I am forced to do. In front of me is the ground, it is moving further and further away. The man is climbing, and he continues to do so for a very long time, which requires me to have to sit there and dread whatever may happen next. Eventually he stops his climb, he finds a platform of some kind that has seemed to satisfy him. He walks over to a low wall, crouches behind it, taking cover, and points my barrel over the edge. He makes me look down at all of the people who seem to be enjoying themselves, who seem to be happy, and my eyes rest on a mother and her child. Then, he uses his big, sweaty, hairy hand to grope my trigger, and squeezes it. I scream out, but I realize that he has muzzled me, and my cries are not loud enough to warn the people below me! I have to watch as the mothers head disappears and is replaced by a cloud of blood, which also covers her child, who is screaming. I am groped again, and now it is the child who has become unrecognizable. Already it has become too much for me, it has become too horrible for me to deal with, especially since people below have started to take notice, they have started to run and scream, and I am forced to look at them. Everyone I see ends up falling to the ground, ends up spilling themselves everywhere, and there is no time to linger on one, there is no rest. When I am violated, when my screams are quieted, when I have to watch a person drop to the ground, its off to the next victim, to repeat the process. There seems to be no end to the amount of people in the crowd, my clip seems to be unable to empty, there is nothing I can do to stop it, I am unable to even look away. As this keeps happening, the man whispers to me “You want this”. He tells me, “This is what you want, this is what you were made to do”. I can’t even argue with him, I can’t even tell him that I’m not like the others, that I’m one of the fucked up ones, that I hate it, with every fiber of my being, but he doesn’t know, he never knows, and the carnage continues. Although, I have to admit that the chances of that happening are close to zero. It is nothing but a paranoid thought, a worst case scenario, an irrational fear. The chances of that happening are as likely as me running into another who is as mentally unbalanced as I am, and I doubt that lightning will strike twice in my life. If anyone really ever pulls the trigger on me, it will still be horrible for me, but it will not be as nightmarish, or wonderful (depends on how you see it), as that scenario. Chances are that I will probably end up taking the life of a deer, who was only trying to mind its own business, who was only trying to eat some grass and go on with its mysterious life. What is their purpose, are they also as heartless as my own kind? Can they even understand the problems I face? And what about humans, what reasons do they have for creating us? What reasons do they have for piercing one another? Do they also enjoy it as much as we are supposed to, or… Ugh, this will be embarrassing to admit, mainly because it is something that would probably be good cause for having me destroyed, it is probably one of my darker thoughts. Sometimes I like to pretend that humans are a lot like me, that they are able to feel for one another, that violence disgusts and horrifies them as much as it does for me. I like to pretend that they made us so that they could have something that could perform terrible tasks so that they wouldn’t have to, so that they wouldn’t have to beat at each other with their feet, their claws, whatever the hell they are naturally supposed to fight with. Who knows? Maybe they can also shoot bullets out of themselves, but they can’t handle the distress that comes from having to do the deed themselves, they need a middle man of some sort that could help them get rid of others. However, I just can’t figure out why they would have to kill any other humans at all. If they were all like me, then wouldn’t they never be at risk of violence, wouldn’t they be able to live happily together in peace? Its too much for me to try to understand, I don’t even have the smallest understanding of how they work. They work in mysterious ways. This must all sound like the ravings of a lunatic, like some sort of horror story. Well, since I’ve enjoyed being honest, I guess I’ll keep that going. Do you know what another one of my fears is, a more realistic one? Well, I often worry that the person who usually handles me, that disgusting beast, who I care deeply about, had to use me to protect himself from another person, who was using a gun with a sound mind to try and kill the person holding me. What the hell would I do in that scenario? Sometimes I worry that I would choose to jam up, refuse to fire, that I would decide that I would not want to take a life, to do my duty, but I know that the choice would lead to my handler dying instead. And if I chose to shoot, then I would be responsible for the death of the man who threatened my handler, and no matter how I play it over in my head, either way one of them will die. Its a no win scenario, and sometimes I think long and hard about how things could play out where nobody would have to be hurt, but I don’t know if there is one. There is something to it that can feel worse than the scenario with the crowd, maybe its because of how gray the whole situation is. If I take a life to protect a life, am I still doing good, or, or… Ah! Why does my head have to be filled with such tormenting thoughts, why can’t I be like the others? I only long for the day where I will rust, where my mind will start to fall apart and I will be able to think of such things. I wish that I could be put up on display, with that fog surrounding my every thought, so that everything I saw would be all that I could think about. If there was somebody in front of me, I would only be aware of them, and nothing else. Oh, that would be a better life than this one! It would be better to have a mind that had rusted to the point of becoming useless, instead of having one that is tormented by such depraved thoughts, images, ideas. And, if my mind was able to succumb to rust, I don’t think that I would mind the people at all. I don’t think that I would become like the others, the ones who are frustrated about wanting to kill, conflicted about not knowing why. I think that I would be able to enjoy it, I would be able to sit there and bask in the feelings of everyone who passed by. Sometimes that seems to be nothing more than a pipe dream, and who knows if I would ever feel that comforting fog. The others who deal with that are from a different time, were made a different way, and their minds were already functioning well to begin with. Who knows if I would ever be able to lose my grasp on reality, and who knows if I haven’t already? My thoughts are already unsound, everything I believe in and hope for is already unrealistic, backwards, baffling, so who knows if I haven’t already ended up like that? If I have, then consider this a call for help. I don’t want to suffer any more, please take me apart and keep me that way.

#Free Write #Short Story #Writers on Tumblr #Guns #Empathy

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